Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sam’s eyes open on the darkness of the motel room. From the other bed he hears Dean’s soft, regular breathing. Something woke him, some noise, maybe a car outside or an animal in the trash cans behind the parking lot. He turns onto his side eyes still open and there it is again, the sense of wrongness. Silently his hand slides under the pillow and grasps the handle of the demon blade. The lights of a car moving along the road flash through the thin curtains, momentarily lighting the space; enough time to see a dark outline on a chair between Dean’s bed and the door. Then the figure is just a denser patch of darkness again and Sam’s hand is achingly hard on the grip of the knife. Another car goes by and in the few seconds of its passing Sam recognises the figure that raises a finger to its lips and beckons him. When the next car passes the chair is empty.

Dean moans in his sleep, mumbling a name Sam doesn’t want to hear. Then Sam is out of the bed, silently pulling on jacket and jeans, gun stuffed into the waistband. By the door he pauses and listens again to his brother’s breathing. Then he’s outside in the night, blade clutched tight in his fist. He feels the cooler air of the night on the skin of his chest, naked under the jacket, as he takes in the almost empty parking lot at a glance and for a brief second thinks this may not be the best idea he’s ever had.

‘Over here’. The voice seems to come from right behind him and he spins, blade up. ‘Relax, chief.’ The drawling voice has a touch of mockery that sets Sam’s teeth grinding together.

‘If I’d meant you harm why get you all dressed an’ riled up … it’d have bin real easy when you were sleepin’ sweetly.’

‘What the fuck you doing here Benny?’

‘Ah, that’s the question ain’t it. What’re any of us really doin’ here?’

There’s that mockery again. Sam feels the fury rising in him and he steps forward. ‘I’m not afraid of you, so say whatever it is you need to say and go.'

The vampire smiles, all white teeth, ‘You’re right not to fear me, knowin’ I’d never touch a hair on your head for your brother’s sake. But yeah… let’s get to business. I have a proposition.’

Dean dreams that he’s lying on the deck of a boat. He feels the water rocking, rocking him, thinks he hears he slap of sea on wood, then realises it’s not water. The boat isn’t moving. The rocking continues.

“It’s me brother,” a voice whispers right in his ear, “I’ve got you, you’re safe. We’re both safe here, together.”

And Dean feels Benny’s arms around him, powerful chest against his back. Benny is rocking him like a child, very gently, very slowly. He feels himself sinking, relaxing into the body beneath him. 'Benny” he says, “How are we here?'

'Destiny maybe, or maybe we’re both jus’ dreamin’.

'I dream of you all the time and when I wake you’re gone and Sam … Sam he knows, he hears me. Knows I want you so bad it hurts … it hurts.'

'I know Dean, I know jus’ what you mean. But we’re here now ain’t we and I’m gonna love you and keep right on til’ it hurts real good … real good …'.

*

Reluctantly, Sam lowers the blade and warily follows the vampire as it walks to the edge of the parking lot and sits on a bench far away from the street lamps. Gesturing to the space beside it, it says, ‘Sit, I don’t bite … well, not on Thursdays.’

‘You think you’re funny?’ Sam hisses, ‘you killed my friend Martin so I know you bite. You may have Dean fooled but not me … you’re a cockroach like all the rest of your kind.’

‘I’m real sorry you think so little of your brother’s judgement Sam, he says only sweet things ‘bout you.’

Sam feels his blood pressure rising, and struggles to keep his breathing even and steady. A sudden vision of Dean and this thing together, together … rises in him like bile. This mouth on Dean’s mouth, tongue, fingers inside Dean. Christ! He shudders and forces it all away. Blinking he hears Benny saying,

‘Your ‘friend’? He wasn’t the full dollar, not okay in the head … but you knew that right and you sent him anyways. Looks to me like your friends don’t last too long.’

Queasy and serious Sam says, ‘You trying to take the high moral ground here Benny? Well fuck you!’

The vampire looks away into the dark and ignoring Sam’s outburst says, ‘He had my Elizabeth, my only livin’ family, tied to a chair an’ he’d cut her so blood was runnin’ down her neck. All the while him thinkin’ I couldn’t control myself, that one whiff of her good ol’ Southern blood would turn me into somethin’ he could justify killin’.’ The creature shrugs, ‘He didn’t know me … thought he did, jus’ like you think you do, but he was wrong and so are you, brother.’

Sam manages to grate out, ‘I’m not your brother, and neither is Dean.’

The vampire’s smile is sad and now looking at his face close to, Sam can see how changed he is from that first time they met on the dock all those months ago.

Benny nods and says, ‘You’re right. So, you asked what I wanted. The only thing I truly want in this life is your brother and he ain’t free, so the consolation prize is to free myself. And that’s where you come in.’

Sam’s stomach flips over at Benny’s mention of Dean. What the fuck does ‘I want your brother’ mean exactly? He says, ‘What are you talking about?’

The vampire folds strong, square hands together across his knees, head bowed. ‘When I was in Purgatory all I could think on was gettin’ out. But this here, this world and this time, it ain’t the right place for me, I don’t belong.’ He smiles lopsidedly at Sam, ‘You mayn’t believe it but I drink blood, not people, so vampires kinda shun me and the only human who liked my company, who trusted me and gave me work an’ a home got herself near killed by your friend Martin. I can’t ever get close again to someone who might get hurt ‘cos of me. I think you know that situation real well yourself. Am I right?’

Sam stares at the ground as years of loss and grief flash through his mind. He jerks his head in reluctant agreement. There’s a moment’s silence then, ‘How much has Dean told you ‘bout me an’ him?’

What the fuck! Sam snarls again, ‘Far as I’m concerned you’re a monster and there is no you and him.’

Benny nods. ‘Yeah, I understand, if I were you I’d be feelin’ the same. I’d want him all to myself too.’

‘I don’t have to listen to this shit!’ Sam leaps to his feet but a cold and powerful hand has him by the arm and before he can move or even speak he’s on his back pinned to the bench by the vampire’s solid weight, knife arm trapped. ‘Listen to me and listen real good you self-absorbed son of a bitch.’

Looking directly up into the vampire’s face Sam feels a flash of real fear.Benny is saying, ‘I know what all you did to him a few days ago, I know what you put him through. Only thing stopped me rippin’ your head off ‘fore you could hurt him, was knowin’ that he loves you.’

Sam’s guts churn as anger and guilt make him look away from Benny whose gaze, under the lurid lights of the parking lot, seems to strip him of all his self-assurance. Jesus? How does he know what happened, did Dean tell him that? Fuck, fuck, fuck! Suddenly, the ground under Sam feels like sand and the few things he thought were certain in life, Dean’s loyalty and his love shift and shift again. Has Dean really chosen this creature over him? Benny is close enough that his beard brushes the other man’s cheek, so close that in the sodium yellow of the streetlight Sam can just see a faint pulse beating in the vampire’s neck. He blinks. That’s not right, a pulse isn’t right. Then the weight is gone, he can breathe out and move and Benny’s sitting right beside him again like nothing at all just happened. Sam says, ‘What d’you want from me?’

*

Dean feels Benny’s mouth around him, cool and hard and with the power to suck the life out of him through his cock. He wants to say ‘I love you’ but even here in the dream something holds him back, though he knows it’s true. Because he does love the vampire and it feels all good and also everything that’s wrong. Saying it feels like it would be a curse, confirming an agonising thing he has no power to control. Benny moves his mouth to Dean’s ass, cold tongue pushing hard into him, beard rasping over soft skin. Dean knows he’s dreaming but his body responds anyway, brain wired for this, for Benny in him anyway he can be. Then the vampire moves suddenly along his body, pushing his legs open and up. Dean realises they’re both naked and wraps his legs round Benny’s neck. ‘You want me?’ Benny hovers, paused gazing down at Dean, cock in hand. Dean can feel his hole twitching over and over, nerves and swelling flesh protesting with need and expectation. ‘Always. Always want you. Let me feel you, let me …’. He raises his hands to Benny’s face and touches his mouth. ‘Show me,’ he says, ‘show me …’ and as Benny shoves himself hard into Dean he runs his fangs out and bends his head to kiss. Dean feels the fangs sink into his tongue, tastes his own coppery blood as Benny fucks him and sucks him 'til the white light starts in his head.

*

‘Like I said, I want you to listen real good. I don’t want no misunderstandin’s b‘tween us. You’re gonna listen and then, when I say so, you’re gonna use that big ol’ knife that’s tucked away inside your jacket.’

Sam stares, still angry and confused.

Benny lifts a finger to his lips then says, ‘Somethin’ happened b’tween your brother an’ me in Purgatory, somethin’ neither of us wanted. Mebbe it was the ritual, him carrying’ my soul outta there inside of him, but somethin’ bonded us together without us realisin’ it’d happened or what the consequence might be.’

Benny looks away into the darkness as he says this and Sam guesses it’s a kind of tell; the vampire’s lying, or at least not giving the whole truth. He says nothing and the other continues,

‘Six months ago he called me up an’ said ‘end of the line’, he wouldn’t be gettin’ in touch again. I knew it was ‘cos of you, that you wouldn’t stand for him havin’ a friend, ‘specially not one like me. But it was his decision, an’ I respected it. You’re his kin, his blood an’ he wanted to do right by you.’

Sam watches as Benny clasps and unclasps his fingers as he speaks. There’s something surreal, something particularly unsettling about sitting here, voluntarily, beside this nightmare thing which wants to have a normal conversation about his brother, his Dean. Did he imagine that he saw a pulse beating in its neck just moments before? Part of him is so angry he can barely sit still; part of him is terrified the vampire might actually tell him what did pass between him and Dean in Purgatory because although he’s been demanding just those answers from his brother, truth is he doesn’t really want to know.

Benny’s speaking again, ‘I got as far away as I could, almost to Alaska ‘fore I realised somethin’ was wrong.’ He turns to face Sam, ‘You must’ve noticed how he’s bin these past few months? Kinda low, maybe kinda distant?’

Sam nods. ‘I noticed. So, what are you saying? That it’s on account of you, of this thing that happened in Purgatory?’

‘Yeah, it is. I know ‘cos I've seen it before an' I felt it too; further away I got, worse I got. I knew it was a vampire thing, this bond, and ‘cos Dean ain’t a vampire I thought it was just me, my problem. So I came back, an’ stayed out of the way of you both, seemed the only way to get by. Then one day I was close enough to tell he wasn’t okay, not one bit, an’ I realised it ain’t just me that’s bein’ tormented.’

‘So what are you saying? That there’s some special bond between you and Dean, some vampire curse thing that can’t be broken? That sounds like a load of bullshit to me, like any excuse to be around him.’

Benny’s knuckles are white where he grips his hands together on his knees but his voice is soft, ‘So how d’you explain what all’s bin goin’ on with him … the pain? ‘Cos that’s what we’re talkin’ about here brother, real soul pain and a kinda sadness that eats away at you an’ won’t let you go.’

‘Even if what you say is true, there’s got to be a way out of it. Every curse has a reversal. We can fix it.’

Benny smiles, ‘That’s just what he said. Trouble is, it ain’t no curse and there’s nothin’ goin’ to change it ‘cept one thing.’

‘And that is …?’

‘One of us needs to be gone. As in dead an’ gone.’

Sam feels his pulse start to race, ‘And that sure as hell isn’t going to be Dean …’

‘Jus’ so brother. Which leaves me. An’ you. An’ that big ol’ shiny blade of yours.’

*

‘Benny! Benny?’ Dean wakes with a start. Shit! His heart is pounding, pounding in his chest and he’s sick and tired of dreaming of Benny, waking each time, breathing like he’s just run a race, blood roaring through his veins. His face is wet: sweat, tears, he can’t even tell. Then he realises his crotch is wet too, warm and wet, cock still at half mast. Christ! Even asleep there’s no peace from what he feels and he hates it. Hates himself, he realises, for feeling like he does and hates Benny, fucking hates the vampire bastard because he’s losing himself in all this, losing his heart, his life; losing Sam. Maybe he’s really going crazy? He breathes deep and slows his heart. At least he knows now why it’s happening, or at least he knows why Benny thinks it’s happening. What if they never get free of each other? If every day the rest of his life is this longing, this fucking need that can’t ever be truly satisfied?

He listens intently for Sam’s breathing but the room is silent. Without turning on the lights he gets quickly out of bed pulling on jeans and boots and a plaid shirt. Before opening the door of the motel room he looks out between the curtains into the parking lot. The Impala sits, shiny black under the streetlights. Everything seems quiet. Maybe Sam just went to get water or a snack? But no, something ain’t right, he feels it, something itching at him, the closeness of something important. Something … something like Benny. Fuck! Benny’s here, he can feel it now and wonders how he didn’t feel it sooner. But of course he felt it … that’s why the dream was so strong. Benny’s here and Sam’s missing. He feels a panic starting to rise in his chest again, and without asking himself whose safety he most fears for, picks up the shotgun and holsters his handgun in the waistband of his jeans. Opening the door he steps outside, closing it quietly behind him.

*

‘Let me get this straight.’ Sam is staring directly at where he thinks Benny’s eyes are, though all he can see in the shadow here are dark smudges in a paler expanse. ‘You want me to kill you, but you don’t want me to take your head because you don’t want to go back to purgatory. Is that about right?’

‘That’s it chief, in a nutshell.’

‘So you want me to use the demon blade because …?’

The vampire shrugs. ‘Cos when we were in Purgatory, Dean told me stories about you an’ him killing evil sons of bitches with that there blade, the clincher bein’ that it finished them off real permanent.’

Sam nods. ‘That’s right.’ He hesitates briefly, ‘Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m more than happy to oblige, but I have a few questions … First, I just don’t get why you’d want that and second, how do I know what kind of effect your vanishing off the face of the earth would have on Dean? How do I know it wouldn’t mess him up worse than he is now?’

‘Dean? He’ll be fine. I’ve seen old vamps tied together like me and him are, one of them goes, the other one’s set free. But he can’t ever know it was you that did it, you gotta promise me that.’

‘Why?’ Sam shakes his head, ‘if it sets him free of you, why would he care how it happened?’

Benny growls, ‘Listen to me man. He will be free, eventually … but I never said it would be easy. He’ll need you, it takes people differently, but I’m guessin’ he’ll need you to look out for him immediately after it’s done. He’ll be disorientated, maybe even kinda shocked for a little while and if for one minute he thinks it was you that ended me he’ll never, ever trust you again. Believe me, I’ve seen it.’ He pauses. ‘My own uh … maker used bond-breaking as a way to keep some of his older vamps in line. It never ended pretty. The ones left behind still hated him centuries later.’ Benny looks at his hands once more. ‘He needs you, he loves you. Don’t take that away from him.’ He leans in towards Sam until his face is only inches from the other’s, ‘And don’t ever do again what you did the other day. I won’t be here to stop you, but the angel knows.’

Sam’s head jerks and he feels a spreading heat up his neck and face. Jesus! He swallows hard and looks away.

Benny nods slowly, ‘Yeah, Castiel, he knows.’

Sam says in a voice dry with something he doesn’t want to think about. ‘And the other uh, question, why you want a permanent end?’

The vampire shrugs. ‘I’ve bin human, vampire, kinda ghost or whatever in Purgatory, then vampire again, an’ like I said, I’m tired of it, tired of bein’ like a fuckin’ animal on a wheel an’ not bein’ okay. ’ I was 50 years in purgatory before your brother came along. I don’t want that constant killin’ shit again, ‘specially not when every place’d remind me of bein’ there with him.’ Benny looks speculatively at Sam and unlike the human he can see in the dark, see clearly the tension and confusion in the man’s eyes. ‘You don’t ask what all it was Dean and I did together in Purgatory. You asked him didn’t you, you asked him loud enough for the whole world to hear you through a brick wall. How come you don’t ask me?’

Sam feels a stab of fear and anger twist right up through him. No, no, no! Please, no … He whispers, ‘Because I don’t want to know anything from a vampire and like I said, far as I’m concerned there is no ‘you’ and ‘him’.’

Benny lifts one shoulder, lets it fall. ‘Denial sure seems to be a river in Egypt for you Winchesters.’ He laughs, low and warm. ‘Jus’ watch out for them crocodiles.’ He stands up abruptly, holds out his right hand to Sam who also stands. ‘We in agreement then? You’ll do it?’

Sam hesitates but only for a moment then takes the hand. He flashes back to the night they first met on the dockside when he'd realised Dean's new friend wasn't human. Despite his expression of feeling for Dean, even some evidence of altruism, Benny’s hand is still icy and hard, the hand of a monster. ‘Yeah, I’ll do it. When? Where?’

‘Now. And the where is anywhere you can hide my body without Dean stumblin’ over it.’

Used as he is to killing and to death, Sam finds the vampire’s casual discussion of his own imminent end unsettling. He wants Benny gone for a whole raft of reasons, most of which he doesn’t want to consider, but he’s thinking fast about what the vampire said, about how Dean might be after the execution and it scares him, the idea of being left alone, with Dean facing some unfathomable loss he’ll be responsible for. They’ve always kept secrets from each other, big and small and it’s always ended badly. Surprised, he senses a hesitation in himself now the moment has come. As if reading his mind Benny turns on him, one hand gripping the long hair at the nape of his neck, the other lightly wrapping his throat. Again, Sam feels the cool power of the body under the unassuming clothes. The vampire’s mouth is close enough for him to feel the brush of beard against his ear as it hisses,

‘Don’t be a fuckin’ pussy Winchester, if I have to hurt you to make you do it I will. If you need reasons to feel good ‘bout doing it I can give you a thousand, startin’ with Martin and workin’ backwards.’ Benny relaxes his grip and steps away from Sam. ‘I saw a place over there earlier today, a wood with a small lake. Save you having to dig, just let me go in the water. Us vamps don’t float as I recall.’