Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It didn't seem like the kind of party Arya would throw, in part because there were a bunch of drunk kids hanging around; Jon didn't even see any of the regular guys, the hodgepodge of not-quite-athletes, not-quite-nerds were pretty hard to miss. Robb was on a beer run, Theon flirting with some of the girls around (didn't he realize they were too young for him?), Jon shoved his hands into his pockets. I'm too old for this, Jon started to realize looking around. When Robb turned eighteen, one month after Jon, he'd convinced Theon to buy the three of them a case of beer. He could hardly enjoy himself and stopped just shy of complete melancholy, drunk wasn't a look that suited him.

He looked around the clearing, trying to track Arya down and go when Sansa stopped him. "You're not leaving me to babysit alone, are you?" He hadn't realized he was chaperoning.

"I was just trying to find Arya to say good bye." He'd always thought Sansa was lovely, even more so now with her red hair and summer dress.

"She left a while ago," she took a pull from the solo cup in her hand. "Drunk friends aren't the same as sober friends. Gendry took her, Micah, Lommy, and Hot Pie to town." She started to walk toward the garbage bag, it appeared that she was the only one who even bothered, cups and cans were scattered around the area. "If you're trying to leave you should go before Robb gets back, he wouldn't like you ducking out early," she walked back over to Jeyne Poole before Jon could come up with a response.

Sansa was bit of a mystery to him. It was mostly his fault, not the all women are mysteries bullshit that Theon spewed when a girl wasn't interested in him. Even once he got to know her, she kept a lot close to her chest, he could be patient though. He made his way back over to Theon, awkward without Robb there to buffer their interaction. Jon nursed his beer in relative silence hoping he could just keep Theon from hooking up with a girl ten years his junior.

"You're a terrible wingman," Theon said as two girls in their varsity jackets walked away. Jon doubted Robb would encourage Theon in this endeavor either. "Who's that over there?" Jon turned his head, then scowled at Theon, feeling his fists clench. "Not Sansa, Robb would kill me, the girl with her."

"Jeyne," Jon answered, pulse slowing. Jeyne was giggling and Sansa was pulling her along. "They're coming over here."

"I can see that," Theon knocked him with his shoulder.

"Theon, Jeyne loves the jungle juice and I told her you made it." Sansa smiled. Theon threw him a look as though to say she's better at this than you are. He heard Jeyne flirt with Theon and wondered if Sansa knew what she was getting her friend into. Theon slid into a pretty smooth proposition that they get out of here, and then Jeyne said,

"What about Sansa, we drove together."

"Don't worry about me, Jon can take me home, right?" Sansa was looking at him with wide blue eyes, simultaneously reminding him why he was trying to stay away and why he felt to compelled to be near. Theon, Jeyne, and Sansa stared at him, he must have been taking too long to answer.

"Sure, yeah I was just getting ready to go." Sansa linked her arm through his and followed him through the crowd. Cars were parked all over the place, it took a while to find his truck. He unlocked the car as soon as it was in sight and opened the passenger door for Sansa. She climbed in with a practiced grace, like she'd done so hundreds of times before. "For someone so intent on hiding you were being pretty up front back there," he said as he drove through the clearing. "Theon could tell Robb."

"That you drove me home? That wouldn't be unusual." She turned in the seat to look at him, and grazed the side of his thigh. God, already.

"Sansa," he warned, even as she giggled. "This is a bad idea."

"Only cause you're driving." She retracted her hand. "Pull off the main road." She gestured to a side street absently, digging throught the glove box, he listened easily it wasn't often that he found her in such a mood. She was already clambering over the center console into the back seat. They'd been doing this for months, since her birthday probably, and he still felt guilty.

"You deserve better than this," he groaned into her neck. She ground her hips down, trying to find a steady rhythm over him.

"This is perfect," she said breathlessly, guiding one of his hands from her hips to her breast. When he took her back to his apartment at least it felt less illicit than this. He could pretend they were a true couple when they laid in his bed content and learning about the other. He wanted to give her better than quick hook-ups and take-out on his couch, but it was what she wanted and with Sansa he would take what he could get. "Jon," especially when she sighed his name like that. She had pulled the top of her dress down so he could feel her bare skin on his hand. It was dim but she seemed to glow.

"You're gorgeous," he said when her breath hitched. He dropped his hand back to her hip to help her keep a steady pace. "My sweet girl," she reached one of her own hands down from his neck to bring herself over the edge, it sparked his own release watching her find so much pleasure, from him, with him. Sansa held him to her chest as he came down, murmuring sweet things into his ear. Things he would think about later as he tried to convince himself to just tell the truth. She found a plastic bag for him to toss the condom into, "we don't have to hide."

She was shifting her dress back into place, shaking her head slowly. "Why are you doing this if you're too embarrassed to tell anyone," he wouldn't call it off even if she owned up to it. It was always damn near impossible to imagine going back to hiding once he was with her, he just wanted the truth.

"You think I'm embarrassed?" She scoffed, "Jon as soon as we tell everyone we'll have to break-up, or end this, whatever this is."

"No we wouldn't." He promised wrapping his arm around her, feeling her head press into his shoulder. He was convinced they would thrive without the weight of the secret looming above them all the time. The guilt would pass so long as he did things the right way.

"Robb won't like it, and he'll be mad at you. If it's between me and Robb, Robb wins." She didn't sound sad, she sounded like she'd run through this a hundred times. "And it wouldn't be a contest. You aren't going to lose your friendship because of me, I don't expect that and I don't want that. Can we talk about something else?"

It wasn't fair, and to be honest he didn't think she was right. It would be different, he loved her, that meant something. If they were happy her brother couldn't be angry, his best friend wouldn't begrudge him. They hadn't said it in so many words, but it had to mean something, didn't it?

Chapter Text

It seemed that Sansa Stark measured her happiness in periods. There was before Joff, she was still in high school then. After Joff, the period after his brief arrest and later the restraining order, after Joff could also be considered before Jon. During Joff and after Joff had been pretty bleak. Her time with Jon had been better, she’d been happier then. She hadn’t considered that after Jon would even occur, that was probably why it hurt.

She wouldn’t cry about it, not while she was sharing the couch with Arya. Instead she clicked the top button and shut her phone off, Jeyne meant well but still. It had been a while since she’d had the wind knocked out of her. She never expected Jon to be the cause.

Arya pressed her foot into Sansa’s thigh startling her from her train of thought. Okay? She mouthed, Sansa nodded firmly. She would be. Arya turned back to the move leaning her head back against the arm of the couch.

It wasn’t until later, after Robb got home, and everyone had gone to bed that she booted up her phone again. Sansa pulled the blankets over her head before she let herself read the messages. Five texts, she’d only seen the first four. She unlocked the phone and braced herself.

He’s here, that wasn’t bad. Jeyne was still hanging around Theon there was always a chance Jon would be around. Even though Sansa had asked her (more than once) to just let it go, Jeyne knew her better than that.

Usually after Jeyne texted her about Jon’s presence she would tell her how he looked. I don’t understand what you see in him, he’s so grumpy, well meant but Jon always smiled with her, not that she corrected Jeyne.

don’t freak out but he’s here with someone followed by you’re so much prettier than her. That was all she needed before she shut her phone off.

She had tried to be patient while Robb cooled down. She knew if he would just try to understand everything would be fine. She said didn’t want to come between them and she meant it. Her brother would have to come to terms with Sansa and Jon, until he did they’d agreed to hang back. Out of any guy she’d been with Jon made her feel safest. It’s what Robb always told her, I just want you to be safe.

Her brother had become practiced at finding a flaw in every guy she dated, all because of one miss. She played along in the past because he meant well, that was probably the problem. He felt so bad after everything with Joff, she didn’t blame him for it. She could imagine reacting the same way if it had been Arya on the hospital bed instead of her.

She hadn’t told Jon that. At first because she didn’t think he’d stick around so long; then she had to keep it to herself, she never wanted him to stop looking at her the way he did. Like she was a goddess. If he knew his eyes would soften at her like she was a kicked puppy. It didn’t matter anyway. She thought he had understood when she told him they would just have to wait it out. He kissed her so sweetly that night; he promised things would work out.

do you want me to hate her, cause I can. It wasn’t this mystery girl’s fault that Jon had found her, it was Sansa’s. If she’d just been honest from the beginning, let him take her to dinner things would be different. She should have told him that she loved him. He told her, he didn’t expect her to say anything, she knew what it looked like when someone wanted something in return. They should have told Robb at the beginning, either way she wouldn’t be hiding under her blankets trying not to cry nine months later.

Robb hadn’t really talked to her much in the month following the reveal of her relationship with Jon. She wasn’t sure what she would say to him if he did anyway. He spent this morning actively avoiding her, when they were finally in the same room he kept his eyes low. He probably heard her through the wall when she couldn’t stop from crying. She didn’t think anyone else could tell she was falling behind a familiar mask, back to normal. Or how she was before, whatever. Slipping back into her armor, she was safer that way.

When she thought she was just waiting for Robb’s approval she felt lighter. She had imagined the look on Jon’s face when she could say she was his, as he was hers. She was so stupid. Instead she sat at the table getting elbowed by her youngest brother while she pushed the bits of egg around her plate. Rickon smiled when he noticed her handing down her pieces of bacon to Shaggydog; her answering smile felt pained but she’d smiled that way since Rickon was old enough to remember

"So Sansa, any big plans for the weekend. Maybe a date?" Her mom had been worrying about her for a while. Since before Jon. Arya had been with Gendry for a while; she knew Robb had asked mom for grandma Lyarra’s wedding ring for Roslin. She felt her eyes lift to find her brother’s on instinct, his were still staring at a full plate. Sansa shook her head, moving her fork around on the plate again. The bites she’d eaten sat like a stone in her stomach.

Arya had been the one to ask her about her mood. She’d waited until after breakfast to bring it up, knocking on Sansa’s door before she walked in and closed it softly behind her. “Can I lay down?” Arya asked in a voice softer than she would usually use when she talked to her sister. Sansa’s back had been to the door, she moved under the blankets to let Arya crawl in beside her.

They didn’t say anything for a long time; although, she knew Arya had questions. “Do you want to talk about it?” Arya finally asked when the sun was high in the sky.

"No thank you." She heard Arya sigh and felt her fingers run through her hair. They hadn’t done this in a long time, since Sansa had gotten back from the hospital probably. Arya would braid her hair at the end of the day, Sansa’s arm was broken and she couldn’t do it on her own without straining her cracked ribs.

The right thing to do would be to ask her sister about her day, her week, her life but she couldn’t open her mouth without feeling the lump bubble in her throat. Arya was good at sharing a silence, after she tied of the braid Arya rolled to her back. “I thought you were getting better,” she didn’t sound bitter, just worried which Sansa considered worse. “It’s almost been a year, is it Jon?”

"Why would it be about him?" The answer was too quick to be a brush off, it was an accusation.

"You’re my sister, you taught me about being in love. The way a guy should look at a girl when he loves her, how he should look when he talks about her,"

"You thought that was stupid." Sansa said. She used to talk about being in love all the time, before Joff

"Yeah, I did. Gendry doesn’t do any of those things when I’m around." Sansa stayed still. "I thought you were full of shit until I heard Jon talk about you," Arya said. "I figured you would own up to it sooner or later."

"There’s nothing to own up to. It’s over." She was proud of herself, her voice didn’t crack when she said the words. It hadn’t even been a full day since she’d come to the conclusion and she was already sounding like she used to. Arya’s hand moved up and down her back. Arya didn’t ask why she just stayed until Sansa fell asleep.

"Ok come on," Jeyne pulled her out the front door three days later. "You can’t stay inside forever." Sansa didn’t plan on staying inside forever, she just had to settle back into place, like a vacant house. Jeyne waited until they got to the mall before she said anything else, "do you know what Arianne Martell says?"

Sansa sighed, she and Jeyne used to read Arianne Martell’s love chronicles in Cosmopolitan as girls. “What does she say?”

“Computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot.” Sansa didn’t have the heart to tell her she was quoting Carrie Bradshaw. “So you’re sad, and now you get to be happy again.” That sounded easy. She wondered if Jeyne had read any tips on how to do that.

While her nails soaked Jeyne talked about Theon, Sansa hoped she would be more sympathetic when they broke up. “Alys only drinks beer, I mean can you imagine? That’s so many carbs, I told her so but she didn’t care.”

"Who’s Alys?" Sansa hadn’t heard that name before. She knew the same people Jeyne knew.

"Alys Karstark, that girl." Oh, the girl Jon had gone out with; Robb was friends with her brothers. She wondered if he told them that Jon was still in love with the girl he’d gone with before her. If he told Alys that Jon was a good guy, but he’d drop any girl the second Ygritte showed up again. It was a thin excuse, Robb came up with better defenses against guys he’d met for an hour.

"If it’s any consolation he didn’t seem happy to be out." Jeyne shrugged. "He didn’t offer to take her home or anything." It didn’t matter.

By the time she got home dinner was already cleared from the table, dad was helping Bran with his homework, mom was trying to wrangle Rickon into his pajamas; it seemed like a normal night. She made her way up the stairs to her room when she heard shouting.

"This isn’t about you Arya,"

"It’s not about you either, you had no right to do that,"

"It’s for the best, if he moves on she will too."

"To who?" She’d argued with Arya enough to know she had gotten Robb where she wanted him. "If Jon’s not good enough who is?" They were arguing about her. She pulled the blankets over her head again, trying to hide like she taught Bran, like he retaught her after everything happened. "Joffrey didn’t kill Grey Wind, he killed Lady." She shut her eyes. "You weren’t the one he shoved down a fight of stairs. We’re all worried about her, but if she’s really ready to move on you need to let her."

She couldn’t listen to them fight about her. Her family was falling apart because of her. Soon Bran would choose a side, and her parents would get involved. She put her earbuds in and fell asleep with her head between two pillows. Arya and Robb talked into the night, she couldn’t listen any more.

Breakfast was a tense affair. Arya was still cross, Robb’s frown from the past month seemed to take permanent residence on his face, making him look more like her father than usual. It seemed that everyone at the table had heard the fight last night.

Rickon offered to switch seats with her so he didn’t elbow her when he ate. Bran had taken Arya’s usual seat next to Robb, her parents looked on at the scene. It was normal for siblings to fight, usually everything was reconciled by lunch, it didn’t interrupt their daily lives either. Breakfast took a long time, she couldn’t pass Shaggydog her scraps with her mother’s eyes watching her.

“Can we talk?” Robb’s voice caught her attention while everyone cleaned up. She nodded, she didn’t want her family to fight anymore. Robb seemed startled that she didn’t fight his request at all, then his face went sad. She wondered why. “Do you feel like going for a drive?”

Ten minutes later she sat beside her brother on the road toward an unknown destination.

“Why did you hide?" She was surprised that he jumped to the point so quickly. Since he asked her so honestly she understood he wanted her honesty.

"You’re notorious for shoving guys away. Harry was slimy, I suppose you were right on that one. Sandor had some issues to work through, no matter what I did I couldn’t have fixed him. Willas was too old for me, that’s true, he’s closer to uncle Edmure’s age than mine.” She took a breath, he was letting her have a go at him. She had to finish her thought, “and maybe I wasn’t ready then, that’s why I didn’t try with those guys. I wanted to be sure with Jon, he’s you’re best friend and I wasn’t going to ruin that.” His mouth was a thin line, “how could you think Jon wasn’t good enough?” He didn’t say anything. “It doesn’t matter,” she shrugged.

“What do you mean?” he glanced at her. “Is this about the date?” He wasn’t going to get a reaction from her on that. She had no reason to be jealous, she and Jon were never really official. “That was my fault,” he gauged her reaction. “I set him up with Alys, he hasn’t talked to me since actually.”

“Why would you do that?” She tried to sound casual, but she was hurt. Robb was supposed to be on her side, she hadn’t expected him to betray her like that.

“I just don’t ever want to see you like that again, hurt so bad and I can’t save you.”

“You don’t get to make my past about you Robb,” she said as they made their way into the city.

“I know that now. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away, but I hope you can some day.” He parked the car, she understood the point of the trip now.

“I can’t go up there,” she said softly. “We haven’t talked since we told you.”

“He misses you, and you miss him.” Robb said. “I don’t want to lose my sister and my best friend over something stupid.”

She took the elevator up to his floor, Sam answered the door with wide eyes. “Is he here?” He led her to the closed door, Jon’s room. She knocked.

“I said I’m fine Sam.” She twisted the knob. He turned in his bed. “Hey,” he was surprised.

“Hi,” she climbed in beside him. “I missed you,” she pressed her cheek into his back.

“I missed you too,”

“Do you think we could start over?” she asked. “You know do things the right way, how you wanted? I don’t think my way was working.” He turned to his other side meeting her eyes. He lifted a hand and ran a thumb across her cheek, and nodded.

“You look sad.”

“I’m getting better,” and he smiled softly.