Archive of Our Own ^beta

This story came into being because I wanted to explore the possibilities of Nico’s Shadow Self. Contrary to popular belief, his Shadow is NOT, in fact, his psychopathic alter ego, mainly because his fears and burdens remain constant despite which personality is active. In my version, each character is plunged into a vivid waking dream that they cannot escape until they confront their darkest secrets, deepest fears, and subconscious facades. This concept kinda reminded me of Persona…anybody else?

As Nico quietly slid the door shut behind him, something shifted. It was almost imperceptible; a tiny change in the air, in its temperature and weight and the color of the room around him. Nico paused and tilted his head in confusion. That was weird…maybe he wasn’t fully awake yet.

-You’re here

-Nico…

“Huh?!” He jumped at the words that came out of nowhere. The voice was deep, raspy, yet uncannily familiar. “Who’s there?”

There was a long silence, and the room steadily grew darker, like night falling in time-lapse. Nico saw a figure about his size – that guy hadn’t been there a moment ago! – standing a few yards away. The figure was hazy, dark around the edges, and a sudden chill went through Nico’s slight frame.

Something felt wrong. Completely, entirely wrong.

And it got worse.

The person standing in front of him began to become clearer. Clearer and clearer until Nico could make out the exact features with ease. He gasped, horror flooding him.

It was HIMSELF.

No, not exactly. This…this doppelganger…had dark skin, not dark like his, dead and dark like that of a corpse. The hair was gray up until the edges, where it turned black, seemed to have been dunked in a black liquid that oozed down in horrid, stringy strands and flowed across the floor.

But the eyes were worst.

His one eye stared at Nico with as much emotion as a dead fish. It was completely black, and looked more like a gaping wound than an eye, dripping dark fluid that ran down the face and joined the ooze on the floor.

Nico stepped back shakily, hands groping out behind him for the doorknob. This was too freaky. Time to leave. But his hands didn’t find the knob where he knew it should be. He began to panic, his heart beating like the wings of a terrified bird. Where was the doorknob? What was happening? Why was it all dark around him?

-Why do you think they accepted you

-A delusional child with no more sense than a dog?

That voice came again, raspy, sharply accusing. But strangely, the sound helped Nico to focus. He brought his head back up, facing the apparition. The voice was familiar and now he knew why. It was his own, the voice from his dreams. His nightmares.

“Why are you here?” he asked quietly.

-I am here because I need you

-And you need me

He pondered this for just a second before replying “Why do I need something so scary?”

-This is what I mean

-You’ll run from the things that frighten you

-You’d leave your friends behind wouldn’t you?

-You’ve left them before

“No! That’s not true. I won’t ever leave them!” Nico cried out as if in pain. It DID hurt, but not in his body. It hurt with the pain he always tried to suppress, the aching cold in his heart he got sometimes in the silent hours of the night. “What are you trying to do here? Leave me alone!”

-You need to listen to me…

The doppelganger’s head lolled to one side and the air shifted again. Suddenly the black liquid running from the shadowy figure’s hair snapped up, came to life, and surged toward Nico. Before he could move, they’d entangled his arms and legs and throat tightly, shoving him up against a wall he could not see and contracting steadily, bit by bit.

Nico struggled against the choking cords, but to no avail. The more he fought them, the tighter they became.

-Ready to listen yet?

Finally the boy forced himself to calm down. He was still breathing, right? So he wasn’t gonna die or anything. In fact, now that he ceased trying to throw off the strings, they ceased tightening around him. “Okay…okay. I’ll listen to you.”

-What are you afraid of most

-Can you remember such a thing?

“Um…” Aside from this bizarre situation being scary, he couldn’t think of anything. Not that he was fearless, he knew he was far from that, but…nothing specific came to mind.

-You have fears

-But you’ve hidden them

-This is not good

“Alright…” Nico took in a shaky breath. “What do you want? Why are you doing this?”

-If you suppress the bad it comes out in others ways

-In your illness

-In your relationships

-In your dreams

-That is why you need me

“I don’t need fear.” He recalled sleepless nights, half-formed nightmares of the people from the old days, jarring thoughts out of the blue that terrified him that faded comfortably when he turned to the TV or a nice book. “Why do you say I need fear? It’s useless and it hurts!”

-I am not fear

-I am your Shadow Self

-All the things you’ve hidden and pressed upon me

-I’m not fear

-But I’ll remind you what you’ve forgotten

-Because you can’t hide it forever

-You need to face what frightens you

Nico had no answer to this and stood against the unseen wall, his breaths feeling bitterly cold in his throat. The figure in front of him strode forward slowly and began speaking just as slowly. And with his words, everything that Nico had managed to push away came flooding back.

-See if this sounds familiar

-You’re a burden to them

-If you weren’t around, they’d be better off

-You’re weak

-When they need you, they won’t be able to count on you

-You’re worthless

-Like a stray dog dependent upon others

-That broken body of yours could crumble at any minute

-You’re a weak, simple-minded child

-They call him ‘Nico’ because he’s a child with two faces

-You never know what could happen if you lose your medicine

-One day you’ll let them down

-One day you’ll be all alone

Each statement awoke a world of mental pain. Like he’d been stabbed through the heart again and again. Empty, hopeless despair washed over him, and he remembered why he’d tried so hard to forget such worries. By the time his Shadow had finished, he was standing a mere foot away from Nico’s trembling form.

“Yes…I’ve had these thoughts.” Nico got the words out, his voice cracking. He forced back a sob and lifted his head, staring at the doppelganger, and cried “Why do you have to bring it up? Everything was okay before!”

-Not okay

-You didn’t deal with the fears

-Just hid them

“Why is that wrong?” At the time, it was the only way he could think of to make the pain stop. And it worked, or seemed to. The alternative was to let himself go back to that place from years ago, the place he was in mentally, where every day was a nightmare and life was too difficult to live. He didn’t want to revert.

-Because they’re still there

-Everything you were afraid of stayed where it was

-Just stayed like poison in your body

-You’ve felt that, haven’t you?

He thought this over. “It hurts because I’m sick, that’s all,” he protested halfheartedly. By this point, he knew that the dark figure was right in everything he said, but he didn’t want to accept it.

Apparently lies irritated the Shadow, because the choking strands tightened around Nico’s throat.

-If you delude yourself it only gets worse

-Listen to me

-You need to understand this

The only way to get free was to submit completely. “I’m sorry, I’ll listen.” He lowered his head, tears starting to roll down his face. “I know you’re right, but I hate it…”

-That’s a start

-Accept what I’m saying

-Because it’s the truth

-These are your fears, aren’t they?

“Yes,” he whispered brokenly.

-They are your fears

-So you need to stop running from them

-Face them head-on

-Otherwise you and I will remain here forever

-Unable to take a step forward

Nico thought this over. It made some kind of sense. The fears didn’t always hurt him, but it was only because he managed to forget them. When his friends were in trouble, the terror came rushing back. He was always able to put his fear aside and do his best to help, but the Shadow was right…they never really went away.

“You’re right. I think I see it.” He faced his doppelganger, looking resolutely into the dripping, dead eye. “But the fears aren’t true…I don’t think they’re all true. Right? You’re not telling me that everything I’m afraid of is true, are you?”

-Of course not

-Some things are true, some are not

-That does not mean you can allow them to remain unattended though

-You are weak and you depend on them, this is true

-But this does not make you a burden on them

-Without your medicine terrible things could happen

-But you know in your heart you could never hurt your friends no matter how insane you’ve become

-Do you understand?

“Yes.” He did understand, and gradually the bonds the Shadow had placed on him relaxed in response to his comprehension. “I hated being afraid, so I pretended not to be, and I even fooled myself. I won’t ignore my fears anymore.”

-I’ve convinced you then

Nico even managed to smile. “Yeah. I see what you mean…if I let the fears stay, then they still control me and still hurt me. It might not be possible for me to be completely brave but I’ll try.”

-Not just for them

-For yourself too

-Because, Nico…

-You have worth, you know.

That was unexpected. His eyes began to burn with tears again. “You’re right there too, huh?” Tears rolled down his face, but the painful knot in his heart was loosened. “For myself as well…I’ll face my fears.”

-I know that you will

-Then I’m done

-I am not needed here anymore

Nico’s Shadow Self began to fade, bit by bit, from the legs up. Nico watched it dissipate. As it did, a strange thing happened. It slowly began to look more like him. The dead, dark color lightened to match his skin and hair tones. The haze around it vanished. At the very last second, it was as if he was looking into a mirror.

“Shadow me…”Nico had to say something, felt like he had to say something before the apparition was gone. “You have worth too. From now on I’ll accept you.”

Shadow Nico smiled warmly.

-Good

Then it was gone.

Nico found himself leaning against the door in the recreation room. Everything looked normal again; the lights were on and the Shadow was nowhere to be seen. He stood that way for a while, staring at the floor as he turned the encounter over in his mind. Thinking about it, it should seem strange, it should seem frightening, but he felt more at peace now than he had been for years. Not that he’d be like this forever. He knew the nature of fear, and he knew he’d start to worry again, but he also knew that he’d be able to overcome it.

No more hiding.

Nico straightened up, took a deep breath, and headed back to his cell.

In Cell 13, the guys were still asleep. He’d only been gone for about five minutes, but it seemed like months had passed. They looked different. Nothing had changed, but he saw them differently.

When you can put fear aside, when you can learn to value yourself, you value others so much more.

Suddenly he just had to talk to them. He wanted to see them awake, he wanted to be near them, he wanted to tell them about this wonderful lightness he’d long ago given up on finding. Overcome with excitement, Nico reached out and shook Uno’s shoulder. “Hey, wake up! I want to tell you something!”

“Eh…eh, what?” Uno slowly came out of his sleep and noticed the boy. “Nico, it’s really early…”

“I know, but…” He wanted to speak, but he couldn’t find words yet. “I just wanted to say I’m glad you’re my friend!”

“Nico…” Uno was about to protest at such a sudden proclamation at an inconvenient hour, but Nico had flung his arms around him in a tight hug, cutting off any complaint he was about to make. After a moment, he chuckled. “I’m glad too, Nico.”

I won’t be afraid of dragging him down anymore.

Jyugo, the lightest sleeper, watched the exchange with amiable confusion. He was next on Nico’s hug list. “And I’m glad to have Jyugo as my friend!” Nico declared as Jyugo tried to process this action. Affection was never the heterochromatic boy’s strong suit.

I won’t be afraid of hurting him anymore.

Then Rock, who was rather difficult to rouse, received the same treatment. “I’m glad that Rock is my friend!” He embraced his young friend back warmly.

I won’t be afraid that I’m useless to him anymore.

Rock smiled wryly as Nico pulled back. “That’s great, kiddo,” he rumbled. “And you know what else friends do?”

“What?”

Rock playfully rubbed his knuckles into Nico’s head. “They let their roomies sleep until wake-up call!” he finished, mock annoyance in his voice. Nico giggled and tried to get away. “Stop it Rock! Please, I’m sorry!”

 “What time is it, anyways?”

“I knew I should have gone to sleep in the guard’s room.”

“Oi, now I’m gonna be starving before mess call!”

“Guys, guys, I almost forgot to tell you what happened when I left this morning…”