Chapter Text
Allison added Luther
Allison added Diego
Allison added Klaus
Allison added Five
Allison changed the group name to LEAVE NOTIFICATIONS ON!!!
Diego: Nope.
Diego left the group.
Allison added Diego to the group.
Allison: Stop being a jerk and listen for a second.
Allison: and I mean ALL of you listen.
Allison: Luther said to regroup at the super star bowling alley but none of u are here yet and we need to get to Vanya as soon as possible. I'm thinking we at least stay connected through here.
Diego has left the group
Allison: jackass.
Luther: dknt woryy aboyt him. ThIS is a gppd idfea Allkson
Allison: ????
Klaus: oh no r u drunk again buddy
Luther: no thyeee buttiins on myuy phouine ARtEe tpp smalkk
Allison: the buttons on your phone are too small??
Luther: 👍🏻
Allison: oh boy.
Five: Five has left the group.
Five: That did not work, did it? How do I do that?
Allison: Do what five?
Five: Whatever Diego had done earlier. It says he left the group.
Klaus: go to settings
Allison: WAIT NO
Five: Where is "settings"?
Allison: KLAUS SHHH
Klaus: it's like on the top corner of ur screen
Five: What corner?
Klaus: right corner
Klaus: its like a circle with the letter "i" inside of it
Allison: guys PLEASE stay in the chat we need to stick together
Five: I don't see it, Klaus.
Klaus: little man it's literally the only other button u can press
Five: Don't ever call me that.
Klaus: little man
Five: I will end you before Vanya gets the chance to.
Klaus: geez ok calm down just press the "i"
Five: i
Five: Did it work?
Klaus: no
Five: i
Klaus: ur just typing i
Five: But that's what you said to do?
Klaus: lol no it's not
Five: Is that morse code? "lol"?
Klaus: what
Klaus: omg
Klaus: allison
Klaus: alLISON
Klaus: he thinks lol is mORSE CODE jjnjsmJeksskjdsk
Five: What does it mean, Allison?
Allison: I'll tell you if you promise to stay in the chatroom.
Five: Whatever, just tell me.
Allison: It just means "laugh out loud"
Five is typing...
Klaus: it's been like 10 minutes wtf is he typing
Five: Jesus Christ. Is this some kind of joke to you, Klaus? Let me remind you, Vanya is ending the world in what may be just TEN MINUTES from now. All of us will seize to exist and all that will be left are the pieces of what was once humanity. That is unless we do something but we can't do anything until I get these calculations figured out but I'm not able to concentrate with these stupid sound effects blaring against my ear from this phone. I can not stress this enough; TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. Every millisecond delayed is a millisecond closer to absolute destruction. So Klaus, if you're looking for an audience to laugh at your nonsensical bullshit, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I'm not your guy. Though, I'm sure Satan himself is looking up at you grinning ear to ear knowing he will soon have another victim to patronize.
Klaus: lmao chill
Klaus: I didn't even read half of that shit
Five: What the hell is a "Lmao"? You're not making any sense, Klaus.
Klaus: jdkdndjekjsKLJGH
Five: Forget it. Allison, how do I leave the chat?
Allison: You don't.
Allison: We need everyone to stay.
Allison added Diego
Allison: Don't leave, please. I'm serious.
Five: Diego, how were you able to leave the group?
Diego: you go to settings
Allison: NO
Five: Where's "Settings"?
Diego: Top right corner. It's a circle with the letter "i" in the middle.
Klaus: that's what I've been saying!!!!!!!!
Five: i
Five: i
Five: iiiiiiiii
Five: It's not working.
Diego: You're literally just typing the letter "i"
Five: That's what you told me to do.
Diego: no it wasn't
Five: I don't have time for your games, Diego.
Diego: I'm not playing any, Five.
Allison: Hey guys
Allison: can we get back on track please?????
Klaus: lmao wait does any one have GamePigeon
Luther: no
Allison: no
Diego: no
Klaus: ur all lying :((((
Klaus: cmon diego lets play 8-ball
Diego: no
Klaus: why not
Diego: no
Klaus: plz
Diego: no
Klaus: pretty please
Diego: no
Diego: klaus.
Diego: KLAUS.
Diego: I will BLOCK you KLAUS
Diego: STOP SENDING ME REQUESTS FOR 8-BALL
Luther: giys fovys
Luther: gous fovys
Luther: guyts foicuis
Luther: guys focyus
Diego: is he having a stroke or something
Luther: tyhe svreen is tpp smqll
Luther: thre screem ias tioo smsll
Luther: the screenjh uss woo smalowk
Diego: or did he lose brain cells from being on the moon for too long.
Klaus: oof yikes
Allison: Diego don't be mean.
Allison: he's saying his fingers are too big for the touch screen.
Diego: oh.
Diego: wow.
Diego: that's great.
Diego: thats actually hilarious.
Diego: no seriously thank you for putting that image in my head I needed a good laugh.
Allison: I said DONT be MEAN
Diego: i don't know why you think I'd listen to you.
Allison: uh maybe because I'm ur sister and you love and care about me???
Diego: ok but
Diego: remind me again what number are you?
Allison: .....three
Diego: and what number am I?
Allison:....two
Diego: case dismissed
Luther: guiys wereee geytting off topkic agiain
Klaus added Ben
Klaus changed Ben's name to Octopussy
Klaus: there!
Klaus: now the whole gang's back together!!!
Klaus: three cheers for suppressed childhood memories!
Klaus: HIP! HIP!
Read at 9:21PM
Klaus: ok awkwarrrrrrd
Klaus: ben was suppose to say "hooray" but he can't type anything with his ghost hands
Klaus: I tolddd him to use his phone from the dimension he is in but now thinking aboutt it i doubt they have like service up there or whatever
Klaus: orrrr maybe they do cuz like they're closer to like satellites so wouldn't their connection to the wifi be like super strong
Klaus: u no what I'll just ask him
Klaus: he says he doesn't need wifi when he has books
Klaus: lol nerd amrightt
Klaus: he says hi btw
Five: Five has left the group
Allison: STOP TRYING TO LEAVE THE CHAT
Diego: this was a really stupid idea.
Diego: did Luther come up with it?
Klaus: OHHHHHHHHHH
Allison: No, I did.
Allison: Sorry for trying to find a way to communicate with u guys especially since y'know.... I can't speak anymore?????
Allison: Also, I wouldn't have had to create this chat if we all left our egos at home and actually worked together for once.
Allison: I just don't understand why we couldn't just meet at the bowling alley and work things out together
Allison: Now Vanya needs our help and we're doing what we always do... we've tossed her aside.
Luther: im sio sorryyu alliosopm
Luther: but vanyeesa hurt u asnd quittte litrerallkly tossedd pogo aside so I thyink itss onkly gfair tghat we do thre sawme to heer
Klaus: #DicksOutForPogo :(
Diego: don't say that klaus. his death is not a joke
Diego: and also
Diego: STOP SENDING ME 8-BALL REQUESTS FFS
Klaus: :(((((
Klaus: do you wanna play Words With Friends instead?
Diego: NO
Klaus: battleship?
Diego: I don't want to play ANYTHING with you
Diego: You'd get your ass kicked anyway
Klaus: bet
Diego: BET
Allison: omg
Allison: KLAUS.
Allison: DIEGO.
Allison: BE QUIET.
Allison: And Luther,
Allison: Vanya's our sister. We need to at least try to talk to her.
Allison: fighting her might be impossible anyway with her newly found powers. I wouldn't be surprised if she was stronger than all of us combined.
Five: Combined? That, I'm not so sure. You have me now after all.
Diego: oh
Diego: thank god for our hero.
Five: That's obviously not what I meant, Diego. I'm saying, the last time you guys tried to save the world it wasn't with me and it didn't go over so well. With more numbers on our side we may have an actual chance to take her down.
Diego: you're a bit too confident for someone who can't figure out how to leave a chat room.
Five: Shut up, Diego.
Klaus: heeeey maybe instead of taking vanya down we could hmmmm not take her down and idk talk to her???
Allison: Yeah I'm with Klaus
Allison: I don't want to hurt her anymore
Luther: buwt shje huryt yu
Luther: she cuyt ur throaet
Luther: shte kiolledd pogo n grcve
Allison: But she's still our sister.
Diego: there's just no way she'll give us the chance to even talk to her at this point. She seems pretty fuckin pissed.
Allison: But like all she wanted was someone to talk to her
Allison: to care for her
Allison: and her family of five cant even do that
Klaus: shit well if you put it that way,,,,,
Klaus: we rlly r assholes huh
Diego: honestly this whole thing could have been avoided if Luther hadn't locked vanya up like an animal
Luther: I diud whgart i haed toio do
Diego: hey dumbass you do know that autocorrect exists right?
Luther: shyut uoop diewgpo
Klaus: waitwaitwait i have an idea
Klaus added Vanya
Allison: uhhHHHH oh my god????
Diego: now why the fuck did you do that
Luther: vawsnuya givre us ur locvation noew
Allison: wait no first of all are you okay Vanya?????
Five: Vanya, how do you exit a chatroom?
Klaus: sHhhh let her speak
Klaus: wait Vanya do you want to play 8-ball with me uwu
Vanya: maybe later klaus
Vanya: fuck you Luther
Vanya: its the circle on the top right corner of ur screen five
Vanya: it has the letter (i) written in the middle
Five: i
Five: i
Five: i
Vanya: no that's not what I meant
Five: Goddamnit, guys. Learn to be more clear with your instructions otherwise nothing will get done.
Klaus: buddy I don't think we can be any more clear
Allison: Are you okay Vanya??? Where are you right now???
Vanya: yeah I'm ok. bit hungry ig.
Vanya: this is kinda awkward tho I thought I killed y'all motherfucks
Klaus: haaaa but ya didn't
Vanya: yeah I see that lol
Allison: Where are you now??
Vanya: uhhhhhh
Vanya: I'm at sawcon
Five: Hold on, Sawcon? Where is Sawcon?
Vanya: sawcon these nuts
Klaus: LMAO GOTEMMM
Vanya: lol
Vanya: k brb imm bouta rip this theatre a new one
Vanya: see y'all beta bitches in hell 😘✌🏻
Luther: waiot donnt leacve vanyuea
Vanya left the group
Luther: well
Luther: thjatt weyNT teyrribblky
Diego: you guys were yelling at her for information through a messenger app what the fuck did you expect
Allison: hold on
Allison: "Tear this theatre a new one"
Allison: What the hell does that mean?
Five: More importantly, we need to figure out where "Sawcon these nuts lol" is. Has a bulk barn recently opened around here? Perhaps that's the first place we start.
Klaus: oh nooo five
Klaus: I--
Klaus: should we tell him? i think we should tell him.
Diego: nah just let him be. It'll teach him to be humble.
Five: What? Tell me what?
Klaus: nothing 😇😇😇
Diego: wait
Diego: oh shit hold on Allison
Diego: I'm pretty sure vanya has a performance at the Icarus Theatre tonight
Allison: wait really????
Allison: how do you know????
Diego: I saw a poster on gareld henkin's fridge for it
Luther: at leerest we kniw wherwe shre is. we needd tlo go theeref now
Diego: No shit asshole.
Diego: Meet you guys there in 5.
Luther: 5 what? 5 minuretes? 5 hoiurs? 5 days?
Diego left the group
Allison: 🙄🙄😣
Five: Okay, I've had enough of this. Can someone FOR THE LOVE OF GOD tell me how to leave the chat?!
Klaus: bRooOoo I've been telling you this whole time
Five: iiiiiiiiii
Five: iiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Five: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Klaus: five
Klaus: listen
Klaus: you gotta look at the TOP RIGHT CORNER of ur screen
Klaus: you will find a CIRCLE WITH THE LETTER "i" INSIDE
Five: Klaus, there is no "i" on the top right corner of the fucking screen. I even checked the top left corner, and all the bottom corners. Stop wasting my time.
Klaus: ????
Klaus: what do yOU MEAN THERES NO i IN THE CORNER OF THE SCREEN WE ARE ON THE SAME APP
Five: i
Five: i
Five: i
Five: iiiiiiiiiii
Klaus: oH MY GODDDD
Klaus: ur stressing me out buddy
Klaus: n I've been through war
Five: Oh, YOU'RE stressed out?
Klaus: yeah just a tad
Five is typing...
Klaus: 🙄
Five: Do you have any idea what I'm going through right now? To add onto that; do you have any idea what I've BEEN through? I've spent the last thirty years walking through nothing but rubble and dust with no certain direction. I've cracked skulls and necks of individuals with shotguns for arms. Blood stains of both animals and humans who tried to eat me alive, covered every inch of my body. Those cold nights with nothing but Delores and the howling of the freezing wind was all that accompanied me. Cockroaches kept me fed and if I was lucky, there were twinkies. I've been through hell, Klaus. Absolute hell. Hell might even be an understatement for the amount of shit I've lived through. Thats what stresses me out, Klaus. Living through worse-than-hell. And you? You're just doing a shit-poor job instructing me how to fucking exit a chat and somehow that's stressful for you? You have no idea what stress is.
Klaus: k
Klaus left the group
Five: Unbelievable.
Five: This is suppose to be a simple task. Where the hell is the "i"?!
Five: oh wait, I found it.
Five: I'll see you guys a bit later. I have to deal with something first.
Luther: wwait we havbe tio sttivkk togethgher
Five Left the group
Allison: omg why is everyone leaving
Luther: Its frustyreatung i knpow
Luther: but we caant be worryinmg about this now. righhht now we hawve to truist thatt theywre heasding to the theaaatredre
Luther: I'kll sssee u soon
Allison: wait stay
Luther has left the group
Allison: omggg WHYY
Allison: there was absolutely no reason to leaVE
Allison: hello???
Allison: is anyone still here????
Allison: .....great
Allison: 😤😤😤
Allison has left the group
Octopussy: :(
Octopussy left the group