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English
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Published:
2019-05-11
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771
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Bucky Barnes is Very Familiar with America's Ass

Summary:

Based on the Screen Junkies Skit "Bucky Barnes Roasts Captain America!"

In the middle of watching a bad cable porno, Tony decided to take jabs at Steve's lack of experience in "Fondue". Bucky decides to step in.

Notes:

I want to emphasize that while the story idea is mine I relied heavily on Screen Junkies skit for Bucky's dialogue. I just thought it would be funny to see it in a different context. Go watch Screen Junkies video to see where this all started.

(See the end of the work for more notes and other works inspired by this one.)

Work Text:

“Come on Cap, we all know you haven’t had sex,” Tony said, grinning like he had it all figured out.

Steve just rolled his eyes and continued scrolling through his phone. The team had been flicking through the TV absentmindedly when they had come across some cheap porno channel. This had inspired jokes at the expense of the actors and their obviously fake performance.

When asked what he thought Steve just looked up from his phone and commented, “He’s doing that wrong,” before returning to the 21st-century device.

“How the hell would you know,” Tony accused mockingly.

“What do you mean,” Steve questioned, not very involved in the conversation to begin with.

“What do you mean what do I mean? My dad told me about the fondue incident, I know you haven’t done anything beyond some light hand holding.”

Steve raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. After an awkward beat of silence, Natasha gasped and let out a soft “Oh” before leaning back and smirking, ignoring Clint’s questioning gaze. When no one else piped in Tony let out a nervous but confident chuckle.

“Come on guys, you’re with me right,” Tony gestured to Bruce, “Back me up here buddy.”

Bruce shrugged and glanced over at Steve,” I mean there’s no evidence to suggest he has, but I can’t say-.”

“See Bruce agrees with me,” Tony cuts off. The room went back to a silence filled with the occasional moan from the TV.

“Whatever Tony,” he was long past done trying to convince the group that he had, you know, an actual life.

Tony looked ready to cry in frustration, ”Come on Cap, we all know you haven't had sex.”

The Winter Soldier A.K.A Bucky Barnes chose that moment to walk in, hair up and a bucket of popcorn in hand.

“Who hasn’t had sex,” he blew a strip of hair out of his face and sat down in front Steve, handing him the bucket and tucking himself into the super soldier's legs. Natasha laughed harder.

“Steve, of course, I mean you would know wouldn’t you Mr. Winter “I’m Cap’s best friend” Soldier,” Bucky’s eyes narrowed and he glanced up at Steve.

“They don’t think you’ve had sex,” he asked, voice laced with humor.

“Nope,” Bucky snorted and turned to Tony and the rest of the Avengers.

“Listen, I know you guys love to joke about Steve being a virgin so let’s clear that up right now, we fuck,” Steve slapped Bucky’s head and let out a sharp “Buck!” before he continued,

“I let this man plow me like I’m a snow drift blocking an emergency room. I mean look at him, he looks like if a Greek god wrapped himself in an American flag and then covered himself in baby oil. He has muscles a human should not have.”

At this point, the living room had evolved into soft giggling which Bucky quickly cut off.

“I am not ashamed of it. Sexuality is a spectrum and I’m somewhere between straight and I went bobbing for plums in Steve’s ass last week,” he pointedly looked at Tony, “Would you like to know more.”

Tony, looking quite pale at this point, shook his head vigorously, which Bucky ignored, much to Steve’s disdain.

“Steve has opened my asshole so much, Thor can use it as a portal to Asgard,” Bucky heard Thor cough at that one, but not in disgust, interesting. Bucky cataloged that for later and continued.

“My anus has been stretched further than Pepper’s tolerance level for Tony’s bullshit,” a choked gasp.

“I don’t know if Hydra is still trying to unlock the secrets to Dr. Erskine’s formula, but I have so much super-soldier DNA inside of me that I might be a national security risk,” he felt Steve tense behind him, probably red from embarrassment, but he wasn’t finished.

“Steve, I love you and I want you inside of me,” Steve’s eyes widened and Bucky slowly realized this was the first time they had said the L-word in front of the other. Shit.

“And I am, wow, just now realizing this is probably a conversation that you and I should've had one-on-one and in private,” Bucky winced and shut his eyes.

“Yeah, you think Jerk,” but his voice was soft, like the lips that were now touching his. He moaned and grabbed the back of Steve’s head forcing him to switch positions and sit on his lap.

Steve pulled back slightly, cheeks flushed and eyes wide. “I love you too Buck,” he whispered before leaning back into the kiss.

Tony’s voice broke the silence, "What the fuck Barnes.”

Notes:

Hope you guys enjoyed! Here's the link to the mentioned video

 

 

Bucky Barnes Roasts Captain America!

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