Archive of Our Own ^beta

I perched on a bedpost, in Marco’s house. A year now, we’ve been living here. They’ve been living here, I guess. I haven’t. I’ve been far away from all of them for the longest time. I spent the first year just living in the woods, like I always did between missions. Cassie and Ax would come out to talk to me sometimes. They kept me up to date on everything that was going on. Marco’s rise to fame, Cassie and Jake breaking up, and Cassie moving back near the barn. Ax denying an offer to go back to his homeworld… All that stuff.

I never said anything back. I feel guilty about that now. I let the hawk take over for so long, but eventually… Eventually I decided to try something new. I spent the next two years flying. I visited Los Angeles, and from there I made my way across the country, all the way to New York City. I spent more time in some places than others, just feeling out the area and watching people. It surprised me, how so many of them just… Adapted. The war never even hit some towns. While I passed through Kentucky, I learned that there was an entire community that thought it was just a hoax. Blissful ignorance is a hell of a thing, huh?

Anyways. New York. It was nice, while it lasted. I always wanted to see it, back before we met Elfangor. My dad. But whether it was the war, or just the passage of time that brought the 90s into the 00s, the city looked different than I expected. Everywhere did, really. I spent a while just drifting after that, before eventually making my way back home.

And that’s what brings me to Marco’s house. It wasn’t hard to find this place or anything. I’ve gotten good at tracking people over the years, and Ax is a pretty easy guy to spot. Just look for the only Andalite in town. He was so excited to see me; once he spotted me he wouldn’t stop talking. I did manage to get a few words in myself before we arrived, though.

Marco’s place is practically a mansion. His parents live here with him, and I guess Ax and Jake have rooms here too. I haven’t seen Jake at all since the war. Still haven’t seen him yet. I asked if there was a room I could chill out in until I was ready to see everyone. Top floor, overlooking the swimming pool.

So… Here we are. Sitting on a bedpost in a vacant bedroom. There are some animal posters on the walls, so I think it was meant to be Cassie’s. I wonder if they’ll call her up, and tell her I’m back home. They’re probably throwing an impromptu “welcome home” party for me as we speak. I don’t mind giving them more time to get ready for my big debut.

My gaze drifts over to a desk, pressed up against the wall, next to the door. There’s a mirror on it. I flap my way over and land on the desk, and peer into the mirror. I see a red-tailed hawk staring back at me. Those golden eyes, the curved, downward pointing beak, the shades of brown that spatter my feathers. I twitch nervously and shift around on my talons. My brow, set in stone in this body, always makes it look like I’m sad. It’s not far from the truth.

The truth is that I feel like I don’t belong in a room like this. I can remember, once upon a time, having a room of my own. I don’t remember much about it, but I know I had one. I must have had posters like the ones in this room. Maybe a tv or something. That sounds about right. I can’t really recall any specifics though. Those memories are just too far away. It’s been almost a decade now. Almost ten whole years that I’ve been locked in this hawk form. And for most of those years, I’ve… I’ve had a way back.

I could still do it. I realize that now. I could still morph back into my old self, and I could lock myself back into that form. I’d never be able to morph again, but the war is over now. I don’t need to use that weapon anymore. The only thing holding me back is fear.

I haven’t been human in so long. I can’t remember what kinds of clothes I liked to wear, or what food I liked to eat. The last time I ate anything other than rodents or rabbits was a lifetime ago. I’d have to relearn how to be human; like how I learned how to be a hawk. I can do it. I know I can. I’m just scared to do so. What if I’m just too far gone? What if I’m just an animal now? What if that’s all I am? All I’ve ever truly been?

And… And I don’t like who I was. I was this awkward, shrimpy, clueless weirdo. I never knew how to be cool or funny. I just tagged along behind Jake because he protected me from bullies. I was a freak before I became a hawk. Funny how that works, isn’t it? The thought of locking myself back in that body just feels wrong. It’s like it’s not even my own body anymore. But I know the hawk isn’t my body either.

I wonder what Rachel would say, if she could see me now?

“You were never a freak,” She’d tell me. “And even as a bird, you’re amazing. Just follow your truth, and be who you want to be.”

Hah. Who I want to be. That’s such a joke. I’ve never wanted to be me. I only locked myself in the hawk form because it meant I wouldn’t have to be me anymore. It’s not like the hawk was my ideal form either. It was just better than the alternative.

Who I want to be. Those words keep bouncing around my head for some reason. I don’t know who I want to be. Not really. But I can become anything I’ve acquired. Anyone I’ve acquired. I could become my old self, yeah. But I could also become Ax. I could tap into my heritage, and learn more about my father and his people. I could be an Andalite like him. But that isn’t really appealing beyond a hypothetical. I don’t really want to spend my whole life as an Andalite.

My whole life. I can’t believe I’m really thinking about becoming a nothlit again. Giving up my powers just to live a normal life. But the more I think about it, the more I think I have to do this. If I don’t, I’ll just give myself over to the hawk forever. I’ll just be an animal until the day I die.

I don’t think Rachel would want that. Of course, she’s dead now. What she wants doesn’t really factor into our lives anymore.

That’s a lie. It matters to me. Always has, always will.

She’d want me to be true to myself. She always saw clothes, fashion, as a way of self expression. I always just saw them as something you wore because it was the normal thing to do. I guess morphing, the forms we take, is a form of self expression too. Maybe if I look at things from that perspective, I’ll be able to figure this out.

I throw out my human self. I throw out the hawk. What do I want to be? Who do I want to be? What feels like me? What do I want to be for the rest of my life, out of all the options at my disposal? Out of all the forms I’ve acquired?

Ax’s human form was an amalgamation of Jake, Marco, Cassie, and Rachel. All four of them, mixed together into an all new body, which was a bit of each of them, and yet totally Ax. I’ve acquired a few people too. I could… I could do what he did. I could make myself a new form. A new body.

I hear a knock at the door, and then a voice. Marco.

“Hey bird-boy? Tobias? You still in there?” He asks. He sounds so much older than when I last spoke to him. His voice is deeper, but I can still hear that confident swagger. I’m glad he managed to remain unchanged by everything we’ve been through. Genuinely glad.

< ...I’m here. What’s up? >

“Oh thank God. I was hoping you hadn’t split. Jake just got back from therapy, and we called Cassie. She’s on her way over now. We’re throwing you a welcome back party, dude.”

Called it.

< Okay. I’ll come down later, but just… Give me a little while, okay? >

He doesn’t respond for a bit, but then he clears his throat. “Yeah, sounds good. Just give us a shout if you need a mouse or something, okay?”

< Will do. >

I won’t need a mouse, I don’t think. Not ever again. I’ve made up my mind, and I know what I’m going to do. No better time to do it than at a party in my honor, right? I’ve only got a few human morphs in my arsenal, but I know what I’m doing. I fly over to the bed and settle in. My heart is racing in my chest, and I feel like I’m gonna throw up from the nerves of it all.

I have to get it over with though. Otherwise I might chicken out and never do it. I picture the forms in my mind, and I start to change.

It starts with my legs. They grow longer, and I can feel the hollow bones fill out; growing harder and more sturdy. Strong enough to support the full weight of a human skeleton. My wings start to shift next. My feathers become fingers. Short and stubby at first, but they grow longer. They’re long and slender and pale. So are my legs, now that I can see them growing to their full length. My neck twitches and jerks as it too grows more human. My beak retracts into my face, and I can feel a human nose and mouth begin to grow in its place. The lips aren’t my lips, though. They’re softer than my old lips. More full. I form proper human hips, and a chest at the same time. My feathers fade into my skin, and finally, at the very end of the morph, I can feel blonde hair sprout from my head.

I stand up slowly, and hold my hands out in front of me. They’re not as big as my old hands. They’re small, and gentle looking. But I’m taller than my old body ever got to be. I stumble forward, closer to the desk. I’ve gotten rusty when it comes to using human legs, but I manage to get back into the swing of things pretty quickly. I pick up the mirror on the desk and look at my reflection. I see my face. My new face.

The face reflected back at me looks soft, and gentle, and kind. I have bright, crystal clear blue eyes. Hard to say whose eyes they are, exactly. But my nose… My nose is definitely Rachel’s. And my lips, I think, belong to Taylor. But the color of my hair is my own, a dirty blonde, even as it reaches past my shoulders like theirs did.

I smile at my reflection, and I think… I think I’m happy with this form. I think this is what I want to be. I’m not the boy I once was, or the hawk I had become. I’m Taylor, and I’m Rachel, and I’m me. Little pieces of all of us, adding up to a whole new body. One that’s never existed before.

My vision is getting blurry. I can’t believe I’m crying over this, but I am. Wet, hot tears start to well up in my eyes, and I wipe them away with the back of my hand. I have two hours to sit around and do nothing until I’m locked into this form forever, and I’m surprised that, well… I’m looking forward to it. I can’t wait.

I spend the time thinking of Rachel, and of Taylor. Digging through the parts of them that was carried through to this form via their DNA. Taylor was so cold, so cruel, so unhinged, when I met her. It was impossible to tell where she ended and her yeerk began. But that was all nurture. Her nature, who she was before the fire destroyed her body, was sweet and kind. She never deserved what happened to her. And as for Rachel, I find mostly her aggression, and her love of the fight. But I also find her softness. The part of her that didn’t want to become the soldier she was.

The part of her that died telling me “I love you”.

I shut my eyes and can’t help but laugh. It’s so weird. Not just me choosing this as my new body, but the fact that one of the people I’m morphing is my own dead girlfriend. What the hell does that say about me?

I lean against the desk and press a hand against my forehead. I still have well over an hour left. I guess I could sort through all these feelings. I could try to understand the fact that, for some bizarre reason, I’m locking myself into a female form. I can already tell Marco is gonna give me shit for it. Ax might understand, being an alien and all. Maybe Andalites don’t have hangups over gender stuff like us humans do.

And, of course, there’s also the matter of me currently being completely naked. I pad across the room’s carpeted floors and pull open the drawers to the dresser, near the bed. I must have been right about this room being meant for Cassie, since there are some t-shirts in the top drawer, and jeans and overalls in the middle one.

I go to grab some clothes at random, but I stop myself short. The little piece of Rachel that’s in my head tells me to put more effort into my appearance. Taylor agrees. I think I agree with them too. So I take my time picking through the clothes I have at my disposal, and I dress myself slowly. I put the effort in, because that’s what they’d want me to do. Looking at the final result, I think I managed to do quite well for myself without Rachel there to pick out my outfit for me.

And let’s be honest here, I totally just cribbed Rachel’s own sense of fashion. I haven’t seen anyone else pull off a choker as well as her. Not until now, that is. Sorry Rachel, but we both know you’d agree if you could see me right now.

God, I still miss her so much.

I get restless after the first hour comes to a close. I dig around through the room for something to do, and I manage to find a rubber SuperBall that I can bounce around to pass the time. It has the side benefit of helping me acclimate to this body. I keep an eye on the alarm clock that’s on the dresser. Of course, that only worked for so long, before I accidentally smashed it with the SuperBall. Ten minutes left before this becomes me forever. No more hawk. No more boy. I’ll be a young woman until the day I die; unable to morph ever again. Unable to fly. I’m going to miss it.

I close my eyes and smile to myself. The butterflies in my stomach are gone. I’m feeling giddy. I’m excited to cross over that line, and become a nothlit all over again.

< Tobias, how are you doing? We have not heard from you in quite some time, > Ax asks from downstairs. I lean my head back, against the bed’s mattress, and toss the ball into the air before catching it.

< Yeah, I’m all good Ax-Man. I’ll be down soon. Is Cassie there yet? >

< She just arrived. She has a cake, but we are not allowed to eat it yet. >

< Stay strong, buddy. Just five more minutes, okay? >

< Five of your Earth minutes? Tobias, are you- >

< Don’t worry, Ax. I’m fine. Better than fine. See you soon. >

His thoughts fade from my mind, and I think of Rachel again. I wish she was downstairs with them, waiting to see me now that I’m back home. I bet that she’d be excited to see this form I’ve created for myself. She’d gush over how cool it is to see who I’ve chosen to become, and she’d make me swear to go shopping with her… I hope that she’s somewhere else now, watching. I hope she knows.

I think it’s time now. I think I’ve crossed past the two hour time limit. Of course, with the alarm clock broken, I can’t be certain. I stand up and stretch my new arms and legs. I check my appearance one more time, and smile at the young woman I’ve become.

I’m ready now. I grab the doorknob and turn it, and step out into the hallway. My toes dig into the carpeting beneath me, and I make for the stairs. My heart is pounding in my chest like a jackhammer, and I see my friends before they see me.

One by one, their eyes catch sight of me, and they start staring. I smile awkwardly as I walk further down the staircase. Cassie smiles softly, and I think she’s the first one to get it. Marco looks about as confused as he was the day we met Elfangor, but I can practically see the wheels turning in his head. If Cassie doesn’t explain it to him, I will. Jake’s standing there all cool, hands in his pockets and nodding his head like this is nothing. He looks so tired. I hope he’s managing alright.

Ax though… Ax gallops across the room and wraps me in a hug. He doesn’t even have a mouth, but I know he’s laughing with joy. I hug him back, and I do hear laughter. It takes me a few seconds to realize that it’s my own.

When he lets me go, and I get a chance to catch my breath, I find everyone looking at me expectantly. Like they’re waiting for me to say something. And for the first time, I speak with my new body, with my new voice. It’s light, and airy, and it reminds me so much of the wind I loved to soar through.

“I’ve missed you guys.”