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If Zenitsu had to describe Kaigaku in one sentence, it would be two-faced.
He acted sweet around Gramps, around their neighbors, and around everyone who knew Zenitsu on a deeper level than just face and name. He only found this out when the two of them were forcefully paired together on a history project at their college. The older boy made it no secret as soon as he heard the news that he’d rather choke on a fish than work with him.
And come on! That’s just going too far- Zenitsu was at least better than a fish! It was inconsiderate. It was brash. It was immature, AND he’d belted it out right in front of their professor like that rebel in every high school movie. They were adults now. Please accept some responsibility and filter out your words or else no one will like you!
Back then, Kaigaku had done nothing but tsk and look away.
Their relationship continued like that for a while. The blue-haired heart throb was an angel around others, complimenting them for the most mundane of things. Sakura-chan got one inch cut off her hair? He was the first to notice and comment. Murata bought a new pair of shoes? He’d ask where he got it from because they were cool (they absolutely weren’t). But if it was Zenitsu who walked in with his hair cut shorter or in a washed dress shirt, smile on his face, Kaigaku would ask why he’s trying so hard and that it was pathetic to watch. It hurt. It embarrassed him and made him want to go home. His day always seemed darker after. He won’t deny that.
No matter how high Zenitsu’s grades were, not once did he suck up to him for their project. On the contrary, he’d judge each of his movements on the keyboard with disdain. Outrage over why his forefinger kept hitting the wrong button, or how dare he interpret this piece of music in that way were common in the form of insults thrown on him. Clutching three textbooks between himself and the other boy, he’d just cry and cower away like always.
The weirdest thing was this whole thing probably intrigued Zenitsu more than it should have.
Am I going insane?!
Probably.
Girls never hesitated to throw nice words around. They’d treat Zenitsu well, put on a pretty smile and a curtsy if it got him to pay for their food or jewelry one more time (Why do you need two bracelets? You’re going to question my tastes? Rude. I’m sorry-! Please buy as much as you want!). It may’ve been a day or a week or even a month later, but it wasn’t long before Zenitsu spotted them again under the arm of another guy at the mall. The clink of matching bracelets accompanied the crushing melody of his heart breaking.
Kaigaku wasn’t like that around him though.
He gave him attention. He was brutally honest. It was painful. But it was still the attention that he’d never gotten from anyone else except Gramps before.
So when on the day that their project was handed in, Kaigaku wordlessly shoved him into a deserted lecture hall and crashed his lips against his, Zenitsu didn’t hesitate to kiss him back. He accepted those arms around him, even as one hand pushed painfully against his shoulder and his back was bruised by the chalkboard.
He properly freaked out after. He was just kissed by a guy. He just KISSED HIM BACK! All the ladies had to mourn the loss of one more eligible young bachelor for the taking. Wondering where he went wrong, that was only the second time he ever really raised his voice against Kaigaku. The first time was their initial meeting. “W-We definitely need to talk about this…! Y-You can’t just push me around all the time and give off the impression of hating my very existence just to KISS ME LIKE THAT-”
“Everyone hates you.” Kaigaku only wiped his mouth off with the sleeve of his jacket. He scoffed. “You’re weak. You’re dumb as bricks. You’re the ugliest in the class, and you don’t know the first thing about music. Do you seriously think you’ll ever be noticed by someone like me again?”
Zenitsu had never been shut up quicker in his entire life.
Not even one of Gramps’ roundhouse kicks would’ve worked so chillingly well. It was the first time he’d ever experienced the horrible sensation. As their encounters in the empty classroom grew frequent, as the number of times that Zenitsu could call Kaigaku his boyfriend increased, so did the bruises and cuts on his back and arms. Weeks, months, even a whole year passed after their first kiss. He became quieter after that.
But…
People always said he was too loud, so maybe that was a good thing?
Kaigaku was making him a better person. The shame he felt gave birth to affection.
Which made it all the worse when it was ripped from his hands.
Genya was with him at the time. One of the only other people in the college aside from Murata who would hang out with him, the hollowed eyes and sunken shoulders of the blond were alarming him in ways he couldn’t decipher. Finally deciding to take action, he invited his friend out for bowling. In addition to archery, it always helped him relieve his anger and stress and some part of him hoped it would work for him as well.
“I can’t.” Zenitsu had only said, packing his bag without even looking at him. “Kaigaku would get angry if I was alone with someone.”
“What do you mean you can’t- you know what!” Genya was too lost to even comprehend their relationship. Instead, he shifted aside so to pull an unsuspecting Murata into their aisle. “YOU, this guy will come with us too!”
“My name isn’t ‘this guy.’” The black-haired boy was already crying. “Be more considerate to normal people like me.”
Murata did tag along anyway despite complaints. He, too, was worried about Zenitsu and the shared look he had with Genya confirmed their goal of cheering him up. They booked the biggest lane in the hall before even boarding the bus. It was pristine with lights flashing in fun shapes for each type of strike that was thrown. They were even served food in between turns.
It was when Murata excused himself to the bathroom that Zenitsu saw it. Fry halfway to his mouth and Genya lamenting about his score, his sight picks up on a silhouette about five lanes away from them.
It was Kaigaku, lip locked with a girl.
Zenitsu’s vision turned white.
Some part of his ears registers Genya’s voice yelling after him, but he can’t be bothered to interpret what he said. Before he even knows it, he’s dashing out of there as quick as possible. He just- he just had to get away. Anywhere far. That little voice in his head that had been substituted with Kaigaku’s and consequently keeping silent for a year suddenly rains down on him like hail.
Pathetic.
He is.
Not even caring, he bursts into the doors of the first bar that he finds. Zenitsu wasn’t a drinker. He didn’t like the way it clouded his ears and made the sounds of everyone around him murky and dark. Still, he slams his wallet down on the counter. Without pretense, he looks the bartender in the eye with tears pricking its corners. The noise didn’t even make anyone else in the room flinch. “Give me the strongest thing you have.”
The gentleman with a moustache doesn’t question it. This was a bar, after all.
Zenitsu complained about a lot about things. If an essay was a little difficult, he’d say it’s killing him. If he was given too many responsibilities by his classmates, he’d say he’s going to die from all of the stress. It was an exaggeration of course for when he was avoiding the trouble it’d take to do something. But for the first time in his life, he didn’t avoid it. He ran straight to it, wanted to drink and drink aND DRINK until he felt like he was going to die.
He thought Kaigaku was different. He thought that there was actually someone who genuinely liked him and would want to be with him. Stupid, useless Zenitsu with your impossible thoughts! Ah, there it was again. And for each echo, he gulped down another mouthful like it was his life’s nectar.
It didn’t take long for him to become blackout drunk. Everything was hazy. The sounds buzzed like a guitar playing off-tune to a blaring horn. His head hurt. He clutched it but it didn’t go away. And soon enough, Zenitsu couldn’t even remember where he was anymore.
But did it matter?
Suddenly, it felt like nothing did. That part of his head, freed by the restrictions of rational thought, commanded his arms like a puppet. The strings of his mind were his own undoing- for he had his phone clumsily hitting the table as he tried to understand the difference between swipe and press. He eventually did get the device to do what he wanted. Soon enough, he found his body swaying drunkenly to the ring tone as the call connected.
When the brisk sound of breath indicating that someone picked up finally arrives, Zenitsu screams.
He screams because it feels like it’s what he’s been holding in for months now. His loud voice and obnoxious personality that was stuffed down somewhere deep inside of him since the second Kaigaku started giving him love burst out. The drunk shackles of his brain couldn’t hold them any longer.
Some part of him wonders if he managed to break Kaigaku’s ears with it.
“I HAVE FEELINGS TOO, you ASSHOLE…!” His garbles and noises eventually form words. It’s like a dam is let loose as water drips from his eyes like a clogged tap. He bawls. It’s ugly. He doesn’t care. “You always said I was too cowardly to aim high, BUT I wanted us to move in together in a perfect house with a white-picket fence.” It was a dream of his that didn’t feel so far away since they became a couple. He’d never told anyone but gunned for it with all his heart.
“You keep insisting I’m too stupid to make it anywhere in life even after I got a contract deal with a high-end music company and worked my butt off at an interview JUST SO I COULD AFFORD THE HOUSE SOMEDAY! I WANTED US to cuddle in that home, watch the stars at night.” Maybe get married one day too, Zenitsu doesn’t say. He doesn’t want to.
“You think I’m weak, but I WANT to learn to protect you someday. I WANTED you to GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS LONG ENOUGH TO PROTECT ME TOO! So what if you’re rough and mean? For every scathing remark and for each time you hit me, you’d kiss it better.”
He choked. He could tell he was getting stares from the other patrons of the bar but Zenitsu plowed on anyway. “It was okay. As long as you did that, as long as you love me, everything else that you said or did was just fine! So I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY! I hope you’re happy in your Mercedes-Benz car that your friend bought for you because you manipulated him into thinking you were ill. I hope all of those free lessons you got from our Professors that you spent actually stealing the test answers will help you out in the real world WHEN NO ONE GIVES A CRAP ABOUT YOU ANYMORE! You insist I’m crazy for thinking that anyone else will or can ever love me. But I hope-”
Zenitsu cuts himself off with another sob. This next part was like pulling out teeth to get out, but he had to say it. “-I hope that girl who’s with you finds enough peace within herself to love you, because I just can’t anymore. I just can’t-”
“I’m sorry.”
And that’s when Zenitsu felt his entire world ending.
With a higher tenor and a voice the sound of wind chimes, this person was possibly the furthest from being Kaigaku that he possibly could’ve been. The blond finally rips his phone away from his wet cheek long enough to focus his blurry vision on the screen. Sure enough, the number blaring back at him is one- no, three (three?!) digits off from the one he’s had memorized since the very day that history project ended.
When the person on the line speaks again, Zenitsu finds it hard to comprehend that the other’s irregular breathing pattern indicated that he was crying too. “You don’t deserve what happened to you.”
What, why are you sobbing? This has nothing to do with you, you know! Zenitsu wants to say, but the embarrassment and horror of the situation finally catches up to him and overrides any urge he has to speak with this stranger. Really- REALLY, Zenitsu?! He pours his heart out, finally gives Kaigaku what he’s been holding in for a year, and he’s too dumb to even send it to the right person. It figures-!
Suddenly, Zenitsu is just so tired.
“It’s fine.” He says instead, voice devoid of emotion. “Sorry for bothering you. It’s my mistake.” Then he hangs up before the other can even reply. Now that he’d shouted every bit of his heart into that call, he can’t find the energy to do much else. So instead of lashing out, instead of repeating his mistake, he whipes his phone back out to the correct number. Maximizing Kaigaku’s chat screen, Zenitsu types out a haphazard message in under three seconds without even looking at the keyboard.
van;t do this anynore
brwaking up witg you
Mind surprisingly clear, he gives the bartender a generous tip and nearly refuses the offer of water that he gets. But after a pat on the back from the surprisingly fatherly man, Zenitsu relents and chugs it down. After assuring him that he was taking public transit back, the blond doesn’t even raise his gaze from the floor as he treads out with heavy footsteps. He doesn’t remember most of the walk back to his dorm room. Everyone else goes about their night as usual, laughing among friends as they carried take-out boxes or homework. The world continues to spin while Zenitsu felt inexplicably dead inside.
He somehow finds his way to his bed. Books are scattered all over it from where Kaigaku had left them just the day before. Zenitsu doesn’t even blink while he shoves the accursed things to the floor before landing face-first in his pillows. The impact agitates that bruise in his stomach that Kaigaku gave him once after failing a test. It made him sick. Before he can sleep though, his phone vibrates.
A call…? It shakes on his blankets but the blond doesn’t answer. He’s too exhausted.
After six rings, it finally stops. Zenitsu thinks it’s the end of it but when it beeps again for voicemail, he nearly jolts out of his wits as that same voice from before fills his room. The wind in its sound soothes him and, for a moment, Zenitsu wonders if he’s imagining it.
“I-I know that wasn’t meant for me!” The other boy on the line is nervous. He can tell. “I shouldn’t have continued listening and invaded your privacy. I’m sorry. But if it means anything, I think that dream of yours to live in a perfect home with a white picket fence and the one you love is really beautiful! I-I mean... I bet you worked really hard for that job and will amaze a lot of people with your music. I don’t think you need to work on protecting anyone, because I know you’re strong enough. A-And-”
“What are you trying to say?” Zenitsu finds himself replying even when he can’t hear him.
“…You can be loved. I believe that with all of my heart.”
At hearing that, Zenitsu breaks. He cries.
Maybe, just maybe, he can.