Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A flash of green light.

I’m falling.

I’m falling backwards, down, down, down, and I know I must hit the floor at some point but I don’t feel it. I don’t really seem to feel anything, see? That’s the odd part about it. One second here I am, fending off Death Eaters from my family’s house, and the next thing I know I don’t feel much of anything at all.

Where are you right now, Baby? You had plans with Alice, right? I can just see you right now, laughing your heads off, remembering all the fun we had in school.

Do you ever miss it? Hogwarts, I mean? Sometimes I wish we could go back, away from all the fighting and just be safe. Or at least pretend we’re safe. I don’t much fancy reliving those first five years, though. All the pining and hoping you’re lesbian… I don’t need to redo that bit. Just those last two years. The years with you. Really with you.

Then again, as much as Hogwarts was nice, I don’t think I’d ever choose to give up what we have now. All the memories we’ve made, the flat we own… how could I let that go?

I just wish we had more time. It always feels like we’re on the clock, always running before our time catches up with us. But I’m sure that will end soon, right? We’ll win this war and then we can live life as we want, no more running.

Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much. That’s what you’re always telling me, I suppose. Too much head-in-the-clouds, not enough thinking in the moment. I should live in the moment. What if I tried that? Living in the moment, rather than thinking so much?

I think I’ll try that. I’ll live in this moment. You can have your fun with Alice, and I’ll live in the moment and take care of these Death Eaters. Then I’ll join you two, yeah?

Living in the now… living in the now… You know, I don’t think I’m very good at that.

Do you remember the day we met? You were so confident and there I was, chewing at my nails. I don’t think you really liked me at first. Such a mess, right? Never really knowing what I was doing or where I was going, lost in thought and stumbling through life.

I looked up to you. Merlin, I admired you so much. You helped me become who I am, I think before we were even friends. I went from an anxious mess to a somewhat well-adjusted anxious mess in less than a year. That wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been around you all the damn time.

All that time I spent trying to impress the world… it was only ever to impress you. ‘See?’ I would say to myself. ‘If you can have as much confidence as she does, she might look at you the way you look at her.’ If only I had known you were looking at me all along.

Right, I was supposed to be living in the moment, wasn’t I? Sorry, I got distracted, Love. Just some deep breaths and then I’ll be focused again.

Deep breaths. In and out. In…

I… don’t think I can breathe.

I’m trying. I’m really, really trying. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

Baby, why can’t I breathe?

This’ll end soon, right? It’s just a panic attack or something, right? I’ll be able to breathe soon. Right?

Wait… what was that green light earlier?

I can’t really see anything that well. It’s all fuzzy and dark. And my hearing… it’s so muted. I’ve gotten clogged ears before, but never like this. I still can’t breathe. I don’t think I’m going to breathe again.

Is this what dying feels like?

Am I… Am I really dying?

No. No, I’m not ready. I’m not ready.

I have so many plans! There’s a ring waiting for you. Well, not really. In theory, I mean. I’ve been saving up for months. I was going to buy one and ask… I still need to do that! I can’t die yet!

And what about our friends? What about the Order? They all know I’m the bravest one around, well, after you of course. What will they do without me?

My thoughts are coming apart at the edges. I can feel myself drifting… Where am I going to go? Is it a nice place? One of those places with music and dancing? A place with light instead of darkness, to blind out the bad memories and remind us of all the good we lived for? Is it one of those?

Still, even if it is one of those nice places, you won’t be there. I think I’d rather be with you.

I’m… I’m really slipping. I don’t have much time left.

You know I love you. You—you know that, right? You know how much I love you? You can’t forget that, okay? Promise me. Promise me you won’t forget that.

Please, Baby, I don’t want to go. Can’t I just stay here with you?

Please?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving so soon—I swear I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry for all the things we won’t get to do. I’m sorry for all the mistakes I made, all the things I’ll never get to make up for. I never really deserved someone as forgiving as you.

I know you’ll remember me. How could you possibly forget Marlene McKinnon, right? But you’ll remember the good parts. The laughs, the love, the beautiful moments tucked in the corners of our minds, waiting to emerge whenever we need them most. You’ll remember those, right?

Promise you’ll remember me?

No. No. Not yet. Please, just a moment longer. I need more time.

Baby, I love you. I love you so much. Wherever I am, I’ll be with you in spirit, yeah?

Too cheesy, you would say. And then—and then you would smile, and I would know you didn’t really mind.

I think my time is up.

Dorcas, Love. I’m sorry.

I’ll see you on the other side.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

The wind sweeps around me. At least, I think it’s wind. I’m never quite sure. How can you know what is wind and what isn’t wind when you don’t know if wind exists here? When you don’t know if anything exists here?

I don’t know where I am. I’ve been here for a while. I know that. Not much happens here, you know. Nothing much to see, only endless white, stretching on and on and on and on… 

There’s a bench here. I sit in it sometimes, but then I get bored and walk around again. The bench is real, that I’m sure of. If it weren’t real, how could it support my weight? I would just fall to the ground, wouldn’t I? The bench must be real, or at least as real as anything can be here.

I don’t know where here is, though. If I don’t know where here is, how do I know it exists? What if this is all in my head? I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. After all, I used to create universes in my head all the time, from the strange castles and kind monsters I dreamt of as a child to the stories woven in my head from the songs you sang. Honestly, though, if this is a place I built in my head, I’m rather disappointed. You’d think someone with my imagination could come up with something far more interesting than a bench and endless white.

This place must be real. It must have been built by something else, because I could never think up something so dull. 

Where is everybody? I’m so tired of being alone. I have ways to entertain myself, sure, but the loneliness does creep in at times, just like it did on the nights when you were on missions and I had to stay home alone, surrounded only by the darkness and the fear that I wouldn’t see you again. Except it doesn’t get dark here. Time doesn’t seem to matter. There is only loneliness.

I’ve forgotten my name, you know. When there’s no one else here to use it, it loses its meaning. I am simply me now. It’s freeing, in a way. But also terribly confusing. I become terribly confused here quite often, actually. I couldn’t tell you how often that was, for I don’t know how long I’ve been here, but it is a significant portion of the time.

I never forgot your name, though. Dorcas Meadowes. The strongest woman in the world. You were my hero, my lover, my friend, my support, my person to tell stupid jokes to who would still laugh, my person to laugh and scream and cry and dance with, and the love of my life. I say all this in the past tense, not because they are no longer true, but because you generally talk about dead people in the past tense, and I am unfortunately dead. But even if I’m dead and have forgotten my own name, don’t worry, Baby. I’ll always remember your name.

I don’t know why I’m here. It feels like I’m waiting for something, but what is it? What’s keeping me here? What’s keeping me from moving on to whatever comes next?

~~~~~

The blinding light turns from green to a pure, calming white. 

I look around. This place, whatever it is, is almost barren. There’s just a never ending path made of pure white. Even the differences between the floor and walls and ceiling aren’t defined.

When I squint I can see something off in the distance. I start walking towards it, if only because I have nothing else to do. 

I’m dead now. I’ve accepted that. No real point in worrying about it, the way I see it. After all, I would have gone down eventually. At least I found a worthy opponent.

Marlene, Love, are you here? Please tell me you’re here. I died trying to avenge you. The least the world can do is let me see you again, right?

The object in the distance was a bench, it seems. It’s a nice enough bench, I suppose, but I am a little underwhelmed. One object in all this vastness after death, and whoever made this place chose a bench? It’s not even cushioned! It’s a regular, wooden-backed, uncomfortable bench and it looks like the only place around here to sit down. Honestly, you’d think the afterlife would have some better planning.

A breeze rushes past me. Wind after death. Not what I was expecting either, but it is a little more interesting than the bench, even if it is just as uncomfortable. This place isn’t exactly warm.

I fold my arms for heat. What is this place? Why am I here?

“D-Dorcas?”

My heart stops.

Well, my heart has already stopped, but that’s besides the point.

Baby, that’s your voice coming from behind me. You, saying me name… I missed that sound. I hated my name growing up, but you… you always made it sound like something to be proud of. If it was you saying my name I was never bothered.

You’re still here, right? Please don’t let this be a dream, please.

I turn around.

And there you are.

My love. You’re just standing here in front of me, beautiful as ever, no blood, no marks, no fears. Marlene. You’re really here.

“Marls?” My voice sounds broken.

You take a step forward and I close the gap between us, too lost in your eyes to say anything.

“You’re really here?” I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you so hopeful in your life.

“I’m here, Baby.” I’m right here. I’m finally here with you.

“But you shouldn’t be dead. Not yet. It’s too soon!”

“You shouldn’t be dead either.”

You don’t have a response to that.

“Neither of us should be dead, you’re right. But at least we get a moment together,” I say.

I reach my hand out and hesitantly brush my fingers along the side of your face, worried that if I move too quickly you’ll vanish, and everything I’ve done will have been for nothing.

You don’t vanish, which I will forever be thankful for. Instead you lean into the touch and tug me closer until you wrap your arms around me and I’m enveloped in your warmth. God, I missed this feeling.

“Do you know how long we have here?” you ask.

“No.”

“Do you think we’ll be together wherever we go next?”

I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I hope so.”

You bury your face in my neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I whisper.

I swipe a kiss across your cheek and you lift your head so your lips meet mine. 

This moment is fleeting, I know. 

But if there was ever a Heaven, this would be it. Here with you I’m in Heaven.