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Chapter Text

"Donatella broke up with me,"

That's all it took. Five little words for the life of nineteen year old Solido "Doppio" Naso to change forever. 

Turns out four isn't the real deal, it's actually five that's a bad omen! If only Father would talk about that instead of whatever he even goes on about in his sermons. And, okay, Solido "Priest To Be" Nado should know, but listen, staring at the people stumbling between prayers while trying not to fall from the decomposing kneelers and sneakily playing the circle game with his friends while at the altar is much more productive. But anyways.

As soon as he had said those five magic words, tears spilling from his eyes and from the darkening sky, he was pulled inside by his friends and welcomed in to hugs and consoling speeches and a few Told you so's sprinkled here and there. The wind creaked the wood of their super secret treehouse hideout as they held him close and pet his hair, the water poured outside and away from Doppio as he stained everyone's shirts with his tears and sobs. 

And then, the comforting sounds of rain became of terror as the old as hell house started shaking a little too much and everyone ran the fuck out. 

He doesn't remember who suggested it in the first place or even why. But what mattered was, as they watched their shitty treehouse (it wasn't even a treehouse since the tree was more of an over glorified bush) rattle and rattle with the mild breeze, someone suggested that they did what adults like themselves did whenever they were caught in a Bad Romance. Now that Doppio thinks about it, it was definitely him that suggested it. Only he would use that song as leverage. Only he has such good taste.

One thing led to another, and God knows how long later, Doppio, his friends and a few shared bottles of vodka giggled together under the moonlight at the beach, a phone with a video of a bonfire in the middle of their little circle. Donatella who? thought Doppio before he burst into tears again. 

Father didn't like his weird group of friends all that much, but he was glad that Doppio had friends now at least. Even if those friends consisted of… Well, those guys.

Squalo and Tiziano were fine. Two rich boys from rich families from different corners of Italy who moved to Sardinia because…?? Two rich boys who loved snorkeling and swimming and long walks on the beach. Two rich boys that, even though they were both eighteen while Doppio was nineteen and a half, acted like dads to him all the time. Yes, Father hammered the whole one man-one woman spiel everytime Doppio so much as breathed their name, but! They were both genuinely nice and caring people (and their families donated healthy sums to the church, whoops) and so, Father made an exception. He made a lot of those.

Cioccolata and Secco were… Weird. Weird as all hell, and Doppio might feel bad about using such profanities so lightly but also, what other word is he supposed to use, hm? They're just odd? Nah. Doppio's odd, kooky and also super cute. Those two, however, are none of these things. Cioccolatas family was also rich as hell and they had some ties to the church, and he was their little prodigy boy and doctor to be who probably tortured puppies on his spare time. And there was Secco, who just… Existed. Doppio had no idea if he had any family or friends outside of them. Sometimes he wondered if Secco was an actual guy and not something washed up from the sea. He was a horrifyingly good swimmer too! It made sense! Too much sense!

Carne was the personification of the gentle giant trope, so present in all those weird stories Doppio would read late at night. And he was rich as hell too, of course. Family had ties to the church. Really, who didn't have ties to the church in this fucking village? 

(A lot of people, actually. The vast majority. Doppio just didn't have that many friends.)

But you know what? Father and his church ties weren't fucking here, he was busy in the next town over being a good man or whatever, and he had trusted Doppio to stay alone one night. A huge fucking mistake on his part, but Doppio was absolutely going to take full advantage of it.

So here they were. Here he was. Drunk as all hell in the middle of the night (it was nine and a half, but listen, Doppio sleeps early) because Donatella dumped his ass because he was… What was it again? Weird? Jumpy? Easily irritable? Fucking whatever. Who cares! 

"Tizzzzzano-" Doppio stumbled, wiping away the leftover tears and nudging Squalo. No, he wasn't drunk enough that he was mixing the two up. Squalo was just blocking Tiziano from him, busy making out with him or whatever. "The fire's out."

"...Gh… What?" Tiziano said, turning to look at his iPhone 8 Rose Gold as Squalo missed his mouth by a landslide and started kissing his chin. "Oh shit. Batterie's dead."

"Same here," Cioccolata said with a smile, as if that was hilarious and not completely fucking tragic. Just as tragic as his iPhone 11 Pro Midnight Green having that ugly ass stethoscope sticker on the back. Who does that, honestly. "Hrmg. Oh, Secco… Secco, Secco, Seccoooo… Hey…"

Secco was trying to swallow one of the bottles, and Cioccolata just proudly looked at him with a wide smile that grew every time the bottle got further in. Carne, meanwhile, was staring at above and beyond. He knew. What did he know? All.

"Uhhh. Oh it's like. Late." Doppio said, checking the time on his Nokia 3310. "Oh man. Sorry for holding you guys up."

"It's fine, Dope," Squalo slurred as he shimmied away from Tiziano. "Tiiiz, I'm gonna sleep over tonight. No way I'm walking all the way over to my house like this." Tiziano and Squalo were next door neighbors.

"I think we should go too, Secco." Cioccolata said, although he was clearly more interested in watching Secco trying to gulp down the neck of the bottle. He looked like one of those snakes. All of those snakes, actually. "Carne, what about you?"

Carne blinked once, twice. Fate whispered its last prophecies, the stars blessed him one last time and the secrets of the universe were safely stored inside his memories. Carne gave a thumbs up, both to the Cosmos for their graciously given knowledge and to his dearest friends, stood up, stumbled right back down and fell on his ass.

"Ayyy, Carneee!" Squalo laughed, doing his own version of a stumble until he was by Carnes side and dragging Tiziano along the way. "Ay ay ayyyyy Carneee!" Squalo sang as he and Tiziano fell over Carne and immediately started laughing. 

"I WANNA GO HOME," Secco screamed, bottle out of sight and voice sounding slightly muffled as he got on all fours. Really, all of that was just Usual Secco Behavior, so Doppio wasn't even worried. 

"Lets go, Secco," Cioccolata said, bending over to lean onto Secco as he tried to walk. "Oooh, Secco… Secco… Seeeeccooo…"

Slowly but surely, they all managed to get up straight and form a (literal) conga line, with Doppio leading the front. Squalo and Tiziano were right behind, smushed together and followed by Carne, and then by Cioccolata and finally, Secco, who was now on the ground and holding onto Cioccolata by the single strap of his exposed (and extremely elastic) underwear.

"What the fuck are we doing," Doppio asked out loud, and the reply from his guys came as varying giggles. "No I'm serious. My house is on the other way, I can't lead this,"

"...Oh yeah," Squalo said, unraveling from Doppio and crossing his arms. "Guess I'll lead the way."

"Oh, great. We're going to get lost." Cioccolata said as Secco started trying to crawl on his back. 

"Shut that trap, aight?" Squalo said, finally starting to walk, as Doppio backed away from the group. 

They all lived pretty much in the same street. The rich bitch street, in fact. 

...Except for Doppio. The church was opposite of all the houses and so, he'd go back on his own. 

"Doppio, are you going be fine?" Tiziano asked as Squalo and Cioccolata bickered.

"Yeah. Yeah, I will! I know this place like the back of my hand." Doppio said, confidently, keeping a smile on as his friends waved and proceeded to zigzagg their way back. 

Doppio watched them walk for around three meters, before Secco slipped and ripped Cioccolatas pants down, who in turn slammed against Carnes back, who stood completely still and kept on power walking as Tiziano and Squalo managed to trip on each others feet and fall. And, comparing to Doppio, they weren't even that drunk.

But Doppio was still confident as he turned around and started making his way back, the sounds of his friends loudly arguing accompanying him. He had reason to be so sure of himself, after all.

Some months ago he had been talking to some other nineteen year old sadboy on one of his manga forums (on an anonymous tab, of course. If Father knew Doppio was out here reading such demonic teachings like Sailor Moon and even worse, Naruto, he'd be grounded for a month. And if he knew his username was Bitch12345, he'd be grounded for his whole ass life. Also listen, he made the account when he was like, thirteen. If he'd done it today, it would have been much classier, of course. Bitch696969 was the real fucking deal) and anyways, sadboy had suddenly asked for a hand pic. Doppio had found it kind of weird but he had sent it anyways, and the guy said, quote, your palms are very sexy young woman. I'd love to lick them. Smiley. Doppio had then clarified that he was actually a man and also how the hell can palms be sexy? And then the guy ghosted him for a month but ended up asking for more hand pics in the end. Cioccolata told him he should start charging, and okay, he sucks but he may be right about some things. He's still figuring out what a good price could be.

He's thinking about all of that for a reason. If his palms are so sexy, then by approximation the back of his hands must also be sexy and thus, also very smart. He's going somewhere, there's an analogy deep down but honestly, all he can think right now is if Donatella thought he had sexy palms and how he's crying again.

But whatever. He's going to be fine, he just needs to get his ass back home. Easy. 

Solido "Bitch12345" Naso wasn't fine and the back of his hand wasn't sexy at all.

He was actually kind of losing it. Father was full of shit most of the time but he was not wrong about the whole Alcohol Is Bad thing.

He was fucking lost. How, he didn't know, but he was. He looked around, and all he could see were rocks and rocks and beach and beach. No church, no… Nothing else, he's just looking for the church. 

The only relief to his sorrow was that he wasn't alone. Every step he takes, some little frog friend gets startled and jumps around. He'd love to stop and play, but they're way too jumpy right now. Pun intended? He laughs and falls face first into some rocks. 

His scream makes a few frogs jump out and away, and blood starts pouring from his nose almost immediately. Awesome. His arms shake as he raises himself back up, tears building in his eyes again. Everything is blurry and grey, except for...

He squints his eyes. There's a small blob just chilling on one of the rocks by his side, watching him with big googly eyes. Green googly eyes. 

A frog. A friend. 

Oooh, it's pink! Bright pink! Poisonous pink! The kind of pink that just screams, Hey! Touch me and it'll suck a whole lot!

And if that wasn't enough, the frog is coated in cute little black spots, nature's way of saying Hey! I'll eat your leftovers, kill you, fuck your wife and burn your house down if you ever look at me again broseph! 

All in all, danger and danger stared right back at him in frog format. And just when he's drunk out of his mind, disoriented from the fall and blood loss and emotionally broken, the most vulnerable he could possibly be.

And so, because Doppio is extraordinarily smart, he does the first thing any sensible human being in his situation would do.

He jumps in the frogs direction, snatching it up and holding it close to his face.

"Hellooooo… Mr. Frog. You are very cute. Love your eyes. And how you're going to kill me probably, you funky little baby."

His hands started burning up almost instantly, but Mr. Frog didn't seem to mind and if he didn't, then Doppio also didn't.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm rude. My name is Solido Naso, but don't call me that. I'm not a nose and I'm not solid. Not all the time anyways, that's not healthy. A bunch of people called me Doppio when I was younger because I had mood swings and stuff. I hated it at first but then I got some real friends and they call me Doppio as reclamation and because it sounds cute. I prefer it too. Call me Doppio, please,"

Mr. Frog only blinked at him.

"Hehe, you're cute. I like cute things. I think I'm cute but I don't like myself very much. But you're cute. And a friend. I don't have a lot of friends, Mr. Frog. I'm friends with the rich kids for real but I barely talk to anybody else because they think I'm weird. I had a very cute girlfriend called Donatella but she broke up with me."

Mr. Frog didn't react. The blood started pilling on his lips and some of it went on his mouth, and his face contorted in mild disgust. But one look at his new friend made him forget his worry.

"I feel like I can trust you. Can I tell you a secret, Mr. Frog?"

Mr. Frog blinked.

"Donatella didn't break up with me." Doppio said with a yellow smile. "I broke up with her."

Mr. Frog blinked in surprise.

"Yeah. I don't- I mean, I know why. Like. I really like her, you know? Like a lot. A whole lot. She's very cute and pretty and fun. But, um, Mr. Frog, I kinda feel like she deserves better. I don't know. I'm kind of weird, you know? There's a lot of worms in my brain and she doesn't like worms. I don't either but they're there. And I don't think she deserves that you know? I'm like, way too complicated. And she's super nice, you know? Mr. Frog, do you eat worms?"

This time, Mr. Frog croaked.

"You do? That's gross. I wish you could eat the worms in my brain, Mr. Frog. There's a lot of them there."

Mr. Frog croaked again.

"Mr. Frog, you're very nice." Doppio said with a smile, and cringed as the taste of copper filled his mouth even more. "I love frogs. They're very interesting and cute."

Mr. Frog half closed his eyes. 

"Hey, you know, I first got interested in frogs when I read a story book where a witch turned a prince into a frog, and then a princess kissed the frog and he turned back. It was the first book I ever read. There was this foreign cartoon about that too, I liked the cartoon more because the prince had blue hair and he had eye sparkles while the girl had pink hair and I like pink."

Mr. Frogs eyes shined under the moonlight, and Doppio smiled as the blood dripped down his chin.

"Are you a Prince? Blink one eye if you are."

Mr. Frog blinked one eye.

"...Oh? Mr. Frog, are you for real? Blink one eye if yes."

Mr. Frog blinked one eye.

"For real? Real? You're a prince? A whole ass prince? One eye!"

One eye was blinked.

"Holy shit! Mr. Frog! I- Your majesty! I'm so sorry! I- Oh my God, I need to help you!"

Mr. Prince Frog croaked.

"I, uh, I don't know any princesses, Mr. Prince! And um, I don't know any girls either! And I can't offer Donatella because that'd be weird and I'm not a cuck!"

Mr. Frog Prince blinked, and croaked.

Doppio blinked right back, and gasped.

"...M-me? But-"

Croak.

"But I-"

And then, Mr. Frog shifted positions. A new sign.

"W-well, if it helps! I- Here I go, I guess!"

Please have blue hair please have blue hair please have blue hair please have blue hair-

Time seemed to stop and lose form as Doppio closed his eyes and brought his Prince to be close. Would Father accept it? He was a frog Prince, not a man, did it count? 

He pursed his lips. This was it. His favorite scene from his favorite anim- His favorite cartoon would be reenacted amidst all the despair. Fate was a mysterious little thing.

They kissed.

Haha.

Why in God's name did he fucking do that.

Listen, when Doppio read that shit back then, he was hooked. And when he saw that, uh, cartoon, he was even more hooked. The girl had pink hair for fucks sakes! And the guy had blue! THEY MATCHED! 

But, as it turns out, cartoons and books aren't reality. Reality is, well.

Solido "Dumbass" Naso just kissed a poisonous frog. 

His lips burned. He opened his eyes as the world darkened around him and the frog looked up at him with curious eyes. 

"...Oh I'm going to die."

Solido "I have a headache and I'm dying" Naso woke up in his bed. 

He was confused, at first. He could vividly (okay, barely) remember the night before, something about… Frogs? Shouldn't he be at the beach? With dried blood and small flecks of rock clinging to his face and a few frogs using his body as home? Shouldn't he be like… dead?

No, he's not dead. He hazily got up, the inkling of a headache that should be much worse behind his eyes, and looked around his room. 

Everything was in place, as if nothing had happened at all. The crucifix by the door, his ratty old bed, that shirtless guy sitting on his desk and reading through his manga, his frog slippers, all in place.

...Wait.

Where the fuck are his pink frog slippers these are the green ones which he uses on Weekends only wh-

Wait.

WHY IS THERE A WHOLE ASS GUY IN HIS ROOM?!

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" He screamed, jumping up in the mattress and backing up against the wall. The guy, in turn, jumped as well, dropping the manga and also his whole cool composure.

Now that Doppio could take a better look, he had even more fucking questions. He rubbed at his eyes, and nope the guy was still there. He actually wasn't shirtless, but he was wearing… A mistake. A lace mistake. A pretty cute mistake. And normal pants. And his fucking green frog slippers what the fuck!

"A-"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU PUNK ASS BITCH! AND GET OFF MY SLIPPERS!"

Punk wasn't meant to be used as the actual style and more of like, an old people insult but now that Doppio thought further, punk fit this weirdo pretty well. With the whole hair situation, he means. There's probably a name to whatever the fuck that hairstyle is (yeah, it's called a mistake), but Doppio is instantly reminded of a watermelon. 

And now that he looks better… The guy is kind of uh, pretty. Like, obnoxiously so. Intoxicatingly so. Everything about him is so sharp and pretty and fuck. 

It is important to notice that yes, he's heartbroken but also, he's kind of what some people will call a, uh, fucking whore. And he's not that! He just, he has working eyes! Eyes that tell him there's a sexy ass guy with nice muscles and cute make up in front of him and oh, this is probably some religious shit. He's being tempted. That's it! God is throwing some irresistible stud in his way as a fucking test. And oh, Solido "Motherfucking Doppio" Naso is not fucking failing it.

So he jumped off the bed, picked his chair up, and tried smashing the guy with it. Duh.

"STOP! WAIT! MY DOPPIO-"

"WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?! M- I mean. My nickname? ...WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" Doppio screamed, throwing the chair to the wayside (listen, it's a good weapon but he needs that shit intact, how the hell is he going to reach his roof stash of Squalo-and-Tiziano-provided sweets without it hmm?) and getting one of the mangas off the floor. He got one he didn't give a shit about, some stupid video game world bullshit, which was good because he could roll it up without a care and hit the guy. 

"The frog! Remember! STOP!"

"WHAT FROG?!" He screamed right back, and just as his weapon was slapped away, he quickly reached down and got another volume, and ooh, bulky! Which means much more damage!

"YESTERDAY! THE FROG! STOP! STOP!" The guy screamed as Mr. Boruto and friends assaulted his head. 

"WHAT-" Mr. Boruto stopped mid air, fire in his eyes. "...Yesterday?"

...Wait shit. His hair looks not just like a watermelon. It looks like the pattern of Mr. Frog Prince. Kind of. And his eyes are kind of familiar, now that he looks. 

Wait, no. Doppio is not drunk anymore. That doesn't work!

"You're the frog."

"Y-yes, my Doppio. I'm the frog."

"Okay. Who paid you."

"...What?"

"I mean, Haha, hilarious, get some guy to freak me out after I drink vodka for the first time! That's soooooo funny!"

"My Doppio, I swear to you. I wasn't paid."

"Fucking sure! You don't look like a prince at all! You look like a hooligan! A teenage hooligan no less!"

"Thanks." Mr. Frog said with what he thought was a smug and super badass smirk. The kind of smirk the overpowered protagonists of those shitty edgelord mangas he would try to read before giving up and stirring shit up on their designated forums. Except those guys usually had black hair and/or red eyes, not… Whatever this guys hair is. And red is significantly scarier than green. Also those guys suck ass.

"That's not a compliment! How the hell are you of all people a prince?!"

"You see, my Doppio," Mr. Frog said with another smirk. "I am a prince. A prince of darkness."

...You know?

Death by poison sounds kind of cool now that he thinks about it.

"Shut the fuck up. I'm going to strangle you."

"...I'm sorry? I."

"What the fuck are you."

"...A demon?"

Doppio looked him up and down. He just looked like some... Guy. Not a demon. Disappointing, maybe?

"Okay, this isn't funny anymore. Shoo."

"I… I can't."

"Why."

"You saved me! And so I'm bound to you. Forever."

"...No?"

"Yes."

"No?? I mean- Okay. Listen. Fine, you're cute. But-"

At that, Mr. Frog stood up, easily towering over Doppio with his three extra centimeters over him (one and a half was just because of the odd locks of hair). Doppio would be mad at that, how fucking dare he be taller, but then his hands were being taken and Oh. Mr. Frogs hands aren't slimy at all. Oh, he gets it now. Mr. Frog has some sexy ass palms. 

"Oh, my Doppio, I can only dream of being as adorable as you are."

Holy fucking shit. Even though the line feels vaguely familiar (read: someone had been doing some research on those weird black and white books Doppio had and that someone had been waiting to throw that line for around half an hour now) it's so fucking smooth. 

"...A-ah, you-" Fuck. Doppio's confused, yes, but also… He's ridiculously easy. Sure, fine. Call him a whore, whatever. But he's just honest! And passionate! All it takes for him to fall head over heels is some minimal romantic attention (see Donatella) and he's done for. And this guy… "D-Don't change the fucking subject! Listen! I live with a priest! I can't just have some punk guy living in my room! As cool and hot as that sounds!" Doppio hissed. "I'm a holy boy!"

"You?" Mr. Frog asked, leaning closer in and making Doppios brain short circuit. Oh, this was terrible.

"Y-Yeah! And if Father finds out he's going to get mad and he'll confiscate my mangas. I can't… Have… That."

What is personal space anyways? Something stupid and unneeded. Mr. Frog does not care about his personal space and you know what? Doppio's fine with that.

"I see. I think I have a solution, then."

What he's clearly about to do sure doesn't fucking feel like a solution, but Doppio could not care any less. He can just blame his hangover for his terrible decisions. Because right now, there's no way in hell he's not going in (perhaps in more ways than one? Hoho).

And then, he's being kissed. 

Listen.

Doppio was over the moon. He was absolutely ready to start wavering poetics about plushy lips and fruity tastes and the hint of tongue and fireworks and all that bullshit- But in reality, as soon as Mr. Frogs (and also it's feeling weirder and weirder to refer to him as so, especially now) lips met his, it fucking ended. Not just the kiss, no. Suddenly Doppios hands were empty, suddenly there was no one looming over him and suddenly he was completely alone in his room with a massive fucking migraine. 

"What…?" 

He looked around, and wow, he's never drinking anything ever again. The guy's gone, and he's fucking insane. 

Doppio sighed, rubbing at his eyes, almost not noticing the sudden slimy feeling on his shin. 

He looked down. 

Mr. Frog, the actual frog, stared right back up.

"WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT-"

My Doppio.

Oh what the fuck this so much worse. Now there's a voice on his head now. Father always said drinking would lead him to a terrible life and to burn in hell or whatever but he never told him about this! 

"WHAT-"

Everytime we kiss-

"And everytime we touch?"

...What?

"Uh, nevermind. Uh."

...Everytime we kiss, I change my form.

Ah. Well, there go his plans. If just by kissing he turns back, what would even happen if they did more? Doppio wants and actually, also absolutely does not want to know what the fuck no. Gross. 

"...Huh."

If I'm two meters away from you, then I also instantly turn into a frog again. I can speak to you only when I'm like this, you see? Our thoughts are connected, my Doppio.

Oh that's a lot. A whole lot. There's a lot of feelings in his mind right now. 

"...This sucks."

Indeed it does. But I am grateful for your attention. It's better than nothing, anyways. You were the first to talk to me in a very long time.

"...Yeah, you looked alone. And you're cute. And I was drunk."

You're very cute too, you know.

"...I hate this? How do you uh. Make it stop."

...I don't know, my Doppio. I have yet to find a solution. 

"...Who did this to you? I mean, the frog thing."

I can't remember. Most of my memories from before are gone. That doesn't bother me, though. And besides, I'm not missing much. I'm only nineteen anyways.

"...I'm older than you?!"

What.

"I'm nineteen and a half!"

...No you're not.

"Yes I am! Holy shit!"

Whatever. I'm taller.

"Shut your mouth! But- Ah, we, I gotta help you!"

I'd appreciate it, my Doppio. You're very kind, you know?

"Stop fucking saying shit like that when you know I can't kiss you! This sucks for me too!"

I… I'm sorry…?

"I… Actually, first things first, what is your name? You're a whole ass guy and you kind of kissed me. I don't want to call you Mr. Frog cause that's gross."

My name? Hmm…

"Please tell me you have one."

I do. But I don't give it out to just anybody.

"Oh. Well, fucking okay then-"

But for you… I'll tell.

"...So what is it."

There was a pause. A long ass pause, for dramatic purposes only.

Diavolo.

My name is Diavolo.

Ah.

Fucking ace. Doppio's going to get grounded and sent to hell as soon as Father finds out. He doesn't have a singular fucking doubt. 

Solido "I kissed the Devil but he was a frog" Naso is conflicted. 

He needs help, but not from his guys. They'd probably push him towards being stupid. Squalo and Tiziano would immediately push him towards the keep him option. Cioccolata… His opinion on anything ever is wrong. If he said the sky was blue, Doppio would get a rocket and punch the sky until it became another color. Secco… Secco wasn't really an intellectual, and he could also be just as bad as his, uh, boy friend? And Carne is way too nice for his own good. 

And there's no way he's asking for Fathers advice. Almost every single part of the story would blow up in his face. Hey so, I got super fucking drunk, kissed a frog because I saw it on one of those cartoons you tell me not to watch, then a strange hot guy showed up in my room and I was 100% on board with going to town with him but then he turned back into a frog and he's a demon allegedly and I still have plans on going to town with him. Help? Like, that's one hell of a confession. 

No, he needs the opinion of somebody else. 

Solido "I have a plan" Naso knew just who to look for.

Risotto Nero was a stupid fucking name for a stupid fucking dish and an even more stupid fucking person. Doppio genuinely hated that guy and every time he saw him, he forgot every single holy preaching in his mind (all three of them) and immediately wanted to throw down. 

...And they also talked sometimes. After Doppio called him things that resulted in three hour sessions at the confessional and after Risotto finished his stupid goth spiel with his fancy words, they sat down and talked. Risotto showed him some music that Father said was from hell. Some of it sucked ass, like Risotto. A select few were obnoxiously good. Doppio, in turn, let Risotto eat the communion wafers when no one was looking (yeah, he was one of those guys). And then they'd fight again, probably, and go to the beach and hang out there for the rest of the day. One time, Doppio had borrowed a biology textbook from Cioccolata (okay, he had stolen it, but it was Cioccolata and he's not included in anything involving kindness ever. God probably thought Doppio ruled for doing that) and he and Risotto had read the entire thing together. Doppio had teared out all the pages about frogs, and Risotto in turn did the same with the ones about octupi.

And right now, Risotto was who he needed.

Cause listen. Risotto was a lot of things. 

He was a dumb shit idiot.

He was way too tall to be normal.

He was moderately smart.

He was Doppios first kiss (okay, first guy kiss), and then his second, third and all the way to the twentieth with the exception of the fourth (the reasoning behind it involving a party, a bottle of whiskey and a to be doctor. Yeah. It should have sucked way more and the fact that he was a good kisser made it even worse. Another argument agaisnt him not being a harlot).

They hadn't done the whole kiss thing in a while, since, well. 

Doppio has- well, had a girlfriend. And Risotto got himself a boyfriend not long after anyways.

He's not my boyfriend. Yes he fucking is, Risotto, shut the fuck up and accept that fact. No.

But now, well. Doppio and Donatella are no more. And Risottos boyfriend (He's not-) was out of town along with his brother, out on vacation, leaving Risotto free. Listen, it's kind of hard to bully Risotto when there's a blond guy (who, admittedly, is absurdly attractive. If he ever gets better taste and dumps Risotto, Doppio is making a motherfucking move.) just clinging to his arm and glaring at Doppio every time he calls Risotto a bitch. And he can't talk to Risotto without calling him a bitch at least once, come on!

So there he was, alone again because Diavolo (there's no fucking way that's his real name. Even for a demon that's pretentious) refused to go outside. He found Risotto loitering at the pier with his big dumb headphones on, sitting on an empty container that probably smelled like fish, burning up under the sun with one of his shitty Metallica hoodies that were also known as the I Have Depression uniform. His dad was one of those rich fishing guys, the ones with the big boats and the big nets and negligent habits, and so Mr. Nero Junior hung out there all the time because he had nothing better to do with his stupid life. 

"Hey bitch."

Risotto slowly took out his headphones, glaring at Doppio all the while. Some emo ass anime song was blasting from his headphones, and when he realized Doppio wasn't leaving, he grunted and turned the song off.

"What."

"I need to talk to you."

"Good for you."

"It's not. Talking to you sucks! Anyways. Since your boyfriend-"

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Since your booooyfrieeend is out of town, you're gonna have to deal with me. Move over." 

He didn't, of course, because Risotto doesn't know what manners are. Doppio gave him a hard shove (he didn't move an inch) and sat down by his side. And he was right, the container smelled like fish. 

"What is it."

"Well! I… Uh… I have to ask you something and it's weird as hell."

Risotto blinked, looking down at Doppios dirty clothes and at the pink bandaid carelessly thrown on his nose. (If Cioccolata saw such medical malpractice, he would have had a heart attack. Good.)

"...Okay."

"Also hmmm, I have bad news I guess."

"Okay."

"You're not my twentieth first guy kiss now I think,"

Risotto blinked, and looked at him with a mildly concerned look.

"What?"

"Yeah uuuuh…"

"What about Donatella?"

"We broke up."

"You cheated on her?"

"What? No! I'd never fucking do that! I- It was after! And- I don't even know if it counts!"

"You either did it or you didnt. There's no grey area here."

"...Well, uh." He stumbled. "Hm. Yeah uh…"

"Is he from around here?"

"No?"

"Foreigner?"

"...No, actually. He has a sardinian accent. Huh."

"...What's his name?"

"Stupid."

"...His name is-"

"No, his name isn't Stupid, it's just, his name is stupid!"

"..."

"Okay, shut the fuck up, I'm confused okay! I- Uh, listen. I got like, super sad about Donatella. And me and the guys went out to drink."

"They let you buy it?"

Doppio punched him.

"I'm literally one year and a half older than you!"

"Eleven months."

"Twelve!"

"Shut up."

"N-"

"Just tell me. Where's the body."

Doppio blinked. He couldn't tell if Risotto was serious. 

"If I had a dead body, I'd tell Cioccolata first dumbass. He probably knows fifty different ways to get rid of it. Or I could just ask Secco to eat it."

"You'd outsource it? Wow."

"Oh is that a problem?! Well then! I'm gonna kill a guy you know and then send his parts to you! How about that?!"

"You wouldn't."

"Oh I would! Just you fucking wait, I'm choosing my victim right now!"

"You don't know any of my friends."

"I'll hack your Facebook!"

By hack, he means put the password in and scroll through his very public friends list. The password that he knows is literally his username (xXx_Rizzotto_xXx) because Risotto is exceptionally smart and doesn't understand that the username and password are supposed to be fucking different. 

"Get on with it. What happened. You got drunk, and?"

"And uh… I, um. Kissed a frog."

Risotto frowned, waiting for Doppio to start laughing. When he didn't, his frown only grew.

"...You did what."

"Yeah."

Risotto sighed in relief.

"Then it doesn't count. It's a frog. I'm still the twentieth first to be." He turned back to Doppio. "But you're going to brush your teeth first, you… Why. What the fuck. A frog?"

"...He said he was a prince."

"...Did you drink or were you high?"

"I was under a lot of stress okay! And that's not even the worst part!"

"How can this possibly get worse."

"Well uh… Actually, I feel like you're not gonna believe me."

"You're right."

"I'm gonna show him to you then! But you gotta keep this a secret!"

"You kept him?"

"He followed me home!"

"Wow."

"He's uh, in my room? But he doesn't want to come out."

"Poetic."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Whatever." Risotto said as he got up. "I wanna see the frog."

Solido "Holding a poisonous frog in my hands who's also screaming in my mind" Naso may have committed a mistake. 

"...This sure is… A frog." Risotto said as he looked back up at Doppio. The two were sitting side by side on his bed now, which was much better because it didn't smell like fish.

"Yeah. He looks like a frog, right?"

"...Doppio."

"No, wait. Check this out." Doppio said as he brought Mr. Currently A Frog close to his lips. He expected that weird ass slimy feeling again, but instead, he was met with skin and a taste of strawberry. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you." Risotto said, not taking his hand away from Doppios mouth. Doppio frowned, trying to get out of his grasp, but to no avail. He tried elbowing him, but he couldn't because if he did he would drop Dia-Frog. He tried screaming, but the sound was perfectly muffled. He licked Risottos hand, and Risotto just looked mildly disgusted. 

And then he bit down, maybe a little bit too hard but fuck Risotto actually, who finally ripped his hand away.

"You-" Risotto had been just about to punch Doppios teeth in, when he realized they were being blocked by the frog. Doppio was kissing the frog. What the fuck. "What the hell is with-"

And then, light. Red and magenta rays flashed out and about from Doppios hands and sparkles materialized in the air as Doppio placed the source back on the floor and enjoyed the mini pyrotechnics show. 

"Oh wow." Risotto said, his fists falling to the wayside as colors finished pouring out in the disco ball style. "Cool." Right as he said that, all the sounds and colors and everything else condensed into a tiny frog shaped Big Bang and then everything went black. Now that Doppio didn't have his eyes closed, he could appreciate the transformation and be utterly fucking disappointed. No super cool rage mode, and no magical girl esque stuff either. In less than in the blink of an eye, as if the universe wanted to keep whatever was in between a frog and a human a complete secret, time seemed to warp- And so, the frog was no more and in his place, Diavolo stood. 

Doppio looked back at Risotto, who first got pale and then as red as a fucking beet. As red as his eye contacts (yeah, no, Risotto, no one is just born with red eyes and black sclera. Shut the fuck up) as he stared at Diavolo, much more taken aback over his appearance and not because a fucking frog just turned into a human in front of his very eyes. Risotto has issues. 

"Ah."

"Yeah I know."

Diavolo, meanwhile, didn't look all that happy. In fact, he looked both terrified and furious as he stared at Risotto.

"Doppio who is this."

"Uh. Hey. This is Risotto. He's a stupid motherfucker."

"D. Deep voice." Risotto said, stating the obvious because he's braindead. "Ah."

"Doppio. Who is-"

"Risotto. You can trust him," 

"...Risotto?"

"Yeah. Stupid name."

"W-" Risotto started, before getting up and oh fuck, he's taller than Diavolo. Sucks. Diavolo doesnt seem all that happy about it either. "Yeah. That's me."

"So, Risotto," Diavolo said with an accidental low drawl, and Doppio almost melted right then and it wasn't even directed at him. He's so fucked. "If I'm understanding it correctly, you're going to help me."

"I. Um. Your hair." Risotto said as his cheeks tried their hardest to reach the same shade of pink of said hair. He was failing miserably, of course. Diavolo blinked.

"My Doppio. I don't think you chose the right person to help me."

"...Uh. Doppio the bathroom is like, the first door after this one right." Risotto said, his eyes having migrated to roaming around Diavolos Unfortunate Upper Body Wear Situation. 

"Yeah?"

"Um. I'll be right back."

As soon as Risotto power walked out of the room, Diavolo turned to Doppio with a disappointed look. 

"...Doppio…"

"Listen, he's just stupid. Trust me. He's goth, you know? He probably knows a lot about demon stuff."

Doppio was sure he heard Risottos muffled screaming in the bathroom just by their side, but he promptly ignored it.

"My Doppio, all he did was doubt you and look at me like a piece of meat. How can you trust him?"

"Cause one, I'd doubt him too if it was with him, this whole thing is wild as hell and I still kind of think I'm dreaming. Two, I don't blame him on the second part. And three, just trust me. Okay? You don't need to trust him, just me. By approximation, he's fine!"

Diavolo sighed. 

"That logic seems a bit flawed."

"Listen. It just works. Don't worry." Doppio reassured. 

Risotto didn't take long in the bathroom, which was good, because if he had actually stopped the conversation just to crank it, then Doppio would have fucking mauled him. But no, he just came back with a completely neutral expression (or maybe he's just one of those quick ones and if so, Doppio is going to bully him for the rest of his life and then maul him). Back to business. 

"I, uh. I've actually seen some stuff online about this." Risotto said as he sat back down on the bed, and Diavolo frowned as he did the same, digging himself a space between the two. "It's actually not that uncommon and not that hard to solve."

Diavolos frown dissipated, changing into a hopeful expression. 

"...Really?"

"Yeah. They say you need to find whoever cursed you."

"And then…?"

"It depends. On the source, I mean. Some sites say you need to kill them. Others say you just get them to take it back. A few say you need to kiss the one who cursed you. It really depends. We can just try all the ways."

"...I don't… Know who did it."

"...Well." Risotto huffed. "We're going to have to find out, then."

"Okay, cool, but uh," Doppio spoke up, "It's probably going to take a while."

"Probably."

"...So… I'm going to need your help for the next step, Risotto."

Both he and Diavolo looked back at Doppio, confused. 

"And uh… I messaged Father before I left. He said he'd be here in an hour, which means we have uh... One minute."

Both Diavolo and Risotto turned around to gape at him at the same time, the same exact shocked expression on their faces. 

"WHAT?!"

Solido "Just got screamed at for being stupid, but fuck you, I know what I'm doing" Naso doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. 

So here he is. Here they are. Sitting together at the kitchen table as Father looks between them with nothing but confusion.

Doppio looks fine, which is good because inside he's fucking screaming. He changed out of his nose-blood encrusted, vodka stenched sweater into a brand new beige turtleneck, and he combed his hair down which makes him look like a good holy boy and not. You know. What he actually is.

Diavolo, meanwhile, is looking a bit, uh… Disgruntled. He's not wearing his mesh shirt disaster anymore, since Father would try to exorcise him as soon as he saw that- No, Doppio made him wear a white button up and white fuckboy shorts and he just looks… Sad. (He's also wearing sandals, for the record. Of course he's fucking sad, they took his Gucci loafers!). His hair is tied up in a ponytail to try and make him look less messy, and all the makeup was cleaned out from his surprisingly freckled face (cleaned forcibly, of course. Both Doppio and Risotto had to put on long sleeved shirts afterwards because Diavolo just would not have it and almost clawed them to death. Their arms will never be the same). Even his lipstick is no more. Doppio wishes he could have done the whole Haha you can clean your lipstick by kissing me, wink wink but Nooooo, no, Diavolo would turn into a fucking frog and he can't even have that and this sucks so much. 

Risotto is still with them, too, because Doppio needs emotional support, and also so that Diavolo looks less punk by comparison. And its working, kind of. Diavolo already looks less intimidating as he's squeezed between the two, and more of just… Kinda sad.

Kind of sad and uber anxious Diavolo, who's visibly sweating bullets as Father looks at him in disbelief, as if he knows just by looking. 

(The only thing Father knows is that whoever this kid is, his hair is a disaster. But it doesn't take much intellect to realize that, really.)

"Um. Solido, I uh… I'll admit this isn't what I expected when you called for a family reunion."

"I know, Father," Doppio said, trying to keep his voice as passive and quiet as he physically could. Risotto bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to kind of laugh at how stupid he sounded, and Doppio kicked his shin from under the table.

"So then…" Father continued, looking back at Diavolo who seemed two seconds away from a mental breakdown as Risotto tried stepping on Doppios shoes. "Uh. Who…?"

"I, uh. Me and Risotto found him at the pier. He… He's from Napoli."

"But one half of his family is sardinian-" Risotto added as he kicked Doppio under the table. Oh, yeah, Diavolo has a ridiculously obvious accent. He forgot. But he still kicked Risotto back. "He hid on one of my dads boats to come here. He's alone."

"He's looking for his uh. His dad. Who is sardinian." It made sense, right? Diavolo just screamed daddy issues. But that's also everyone Doppio hang out with. 

"Yeah." Risotto agreed, him being part of the daddy issues club and understanding the logic completely. "But he has nowhere to go."

"And uh… Since we have a lot of space here…" Doppio said, placing both his hands down on his lap and looking up at Father. His fingers dug on the fabric of his pants, and he hoped he didn't look as tense as he felt. 

Father blinked at him, and looked back at Diavolo. 

Diavolo visibly stiffened under his gaze. Doppio opened his mouth to finish his thought process, until he felt an overly sweaty hand suddenly grasp his under the table. Haha fuck. Sexy palms indeed. 

And then Father smiled, which only made Diavolo squeeze his hand hard enough that his bones almost gave. Which was not so sexy. 

"Solido, you don't have to ask twice. Of course we can house him. The house of God will always accept those in need with open arms."

Risotto huffed in relief, and Doppio jumped from his chair to hug Father. Fuck composure. 

"Thank you! Thank you, Father! Bless you!"

Father smiled, patting Doppios back with a hearty laugh. Doppio gave him one last squeeze before plopping back down on his chair with a smile. As soon as he did, Diavolo was holding his hand again, because Father had turned his hawk eyes back to him. 

"What's your name, my boy?"

Doppio felt his smile fall as he looked back at Diavolo with wide eyes, and so did Risotto. One job. You have one job. 

Diavolo opened his mouth. 

Me and Risotto recited like ten thousand names to you from BabyNames.com you sexy motherfucker. Please. Don't quote my mangas. Don't call yourself Boruto. There are so many cool ass names that aren't literally just "Devil". Please just-

"My name is Solido." Diavolo confidently said. 

Doppio slammed his head on the table.

One. Fucking. Job.

Chapter Text

"My name is Solido."

Solido "The Actual Solido" Naso was wrong. 

Turns out four actually is a bad omen. Four little words just fucking ruined any chance of this working ever. Four little mouth sounds just took their carefully concocted plan of getting Diavolo to introduce himself like a human being and threw it in the garbage. Four little words just made Doppio, Diavolo and Risotto to an extent their little bitches. 

Also there's four people on the table holy shit. Four is actually genuinely a bad number this isn't even funny anymore. 

He raised his head back up, furiously glaring at Diavolo "Identity Thief" Solido who had the gall to be smiling at him, all proud- Proud of what?! Fucking it all up?! Having a cute smile?! He should be proud about only one of those things!

"SOLIDO?!" He screeched, slamming a fist on the table. His other hand still held onto Diavolos of course. He may be unbelievably stupid but he also has some sexy ass palms. "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" He screamed, and Diavolo just looked at him with a neutral expression. That smug bastard. He was just about to start screaming again when the rational part of his brain reminded him Oh, wait, Father. Welp. I'm fucked. Grounded forever in three- No, grounded forever in four-

"Solido Naso," Father said, and Doppio cringed as he slowly looked back at him. There it was, the whole I'm not mad, just disappointed, and also you will not be getting desert today young man look. "Do not use such foul language ever again. And don't scream. Please. We've talked about this."

"...........Sorry," Doppio said, not feeling sorry at all.

"What was that?"

"I'm sorry for using bad words and I'm sorry for yelling and I'm sorry I was rude to our guest," He said, making sure to tighten his grip on Diavolos hand as he called him a guest and not what he was. An uninvited visitor. A hot motherfucker. A sweaty punk. A lot of things, but all of those were rude or incriminating and so, Diavolo "Guest" Solido it is. "Sorry."

"That's more like it." Father said, turning back to face Diavolo. "I'm sorry, you said your name was…?"

There you go, you fucking idiot piece of hot stuff. He's giving you a fucking chance to-

"My name is Solido," Diavolo repeated.

Doppio squeezed Diavolos hand so tight he almost broke his hand bones, every vein in his head popping as he tried his hardest not to jump Diavolo and strangle him. And Diavolo had the fucking gall to keep on his blank stare as he ruined everything. 

Risotto, feeling the very obvious tension in the room, decided to speak up and help Doppio as he should.

"...I… Should get going." He said, getting up from his chair while starting his Where are my earphones quest. 

Motherfucker bitch shit idiot no you shouldn't! 

"Oh, it's almost noon, isn't it? Why don't you stay over for lunch?" Father said. 

Doppio glared at the stupid idiot goth, and Risotto glared right back. 

I'll fucking gut you if you don't stay fucker!

Try me.

I will!

I'm waiting.

Doppio frowned. He hoped his glare interpretation was right and that he was actually telepathically fighting with Risotto, otherwise he'd just look stupid. 

Don't leave me!

What if I do?

Bitch! I'll kill you and your entire family!

That's not very holy of you.

And then Diavolo entered the chat. 

My Doppio.

The problem with that is that he could actually telepathically speak with Doppio and not just assume things. And the fact that he's starting with the whole my thing right now… Father is right fucking there! And the way he's holding his hand now… So tenderly…

I think it would be good if he could stay. 

Doppio closed his eyes. 

"Risotto," Doppio said through gritted teeth. "Stay. We have food."

"Yes! You're just in time." Father said. "I know that your father will only arrive at night today, so why don't you join us?"

Risotto made a slight face, both at the mention of his dad and also at the trap he had fallen in. The spaghetti flavored trap.Try saying no to the priest and whole ass adult now, dumbass.

"...Alright." Risotto mumbled as he sat back down. He also did not find his earphones. Good riddance.

Father smiled, ultimately victorious over goths as whole through the power of food and politeness. 

"I'll be making spaghetti a la diavola. Is that okay?"

Doppios mood immediately skyrocket back to good. Hell yes! His absolute favorite-

He was so excited he barely noticed Diavolo snort by his side- Key word, barely. 

Oh. Oh. Oh shit. 

"Oh?" Diavolo asked, and Doppio turned around and gave him a death glare. 

"It's his favorite," Father said with a hearty smile, and Diavolo grew a smug ass grin on his face. 

"... Yeah." Doppio said, wanting nothing more than to dig a hole on the floor and die. The first part would be kind of easy considering how old the church floorboards were, but he has the impression he would be kept alive through the sheer power of shame. And also through the power that is Diavolo mentally bullying him for liking a dish that happens to share his namesake, because the universe personally hates Solido "I want my spaghetti" Naso.

"Oh, interesting." 

"Is that okay for you to eat? Solido likes it especially spicy, so I understand if you'd like something else." Haha this sucks. 

"I can take it." Diavolo said with a shrug. 

"Me too." Risotto said, having found the fabled earphones but having the decency to only put one on. Or maybe he just thinks it makes him look like a cool guy, which he isn't.

Father smiled one last time, before he got up and left to start making the unfortunately still enticing spicy spaghetti.

As soon as Doppio heard the sound of the kitchen door close, he turned to Diavolo.

"What the literal fuck is wrong with you?! Solido?! Are you fucking serious?!" Doppio hissed, trying to keep his voice down and also trying to sound intimidating. "Did BabyNames.com mean nothing to you?!"

"...Yeah that was stupid." Risotto added, crossing his arms over the table and planting his head on them. "At least I'm getting free food."

"...What's the problem? It's just a name. And I like your name, Doppio."

"Don't try to play sweet with me!"

"I'm just being honest, my Doppio."

Doppio whined, planting both of his sexy palms on his forehead. 

"This is torture. Torture. I hate this. I can't fucking kiss you! Stop being cute!"

Diavolo opened his mouth, probably to torture him even more, but Risotto was quicker. He jolted up from his chair and power walked towards Doppio, pointing a finger right on his face. 

"It doesn't count. He was a frog."

"...Oh yeah."

"What?" Diavolo asked, looking between the two in confusion. 

"Well, cry harder, bitch. You lost your place at 21th guy kiss. It's gonna be this guy over here!" Doppio said, pointing at Diavolo with a smile. 

"You're not going to last."

"Yes I will!"

"My Doppio what are you-"

"I don't think you chose the right guy." Risotto said as he looked back at Diavolo. "Doppio is a harlot."

"Shut up! No I'm not!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, who should I have picked then? You?" 

Risotto shrugged, his cheeks visibly burning pink yet again. 

"Maybe."

"I've made my choice."

"Okay, I'm going to test it then." Risotto said, and turned back to Doppio. "Who's going to be your 21th kiss?"

Hehe, whoops. Too close for Solido "Might be a harlot" Naso. 

"...I uh. Have two hands." Doppio said after an uncomfortably long pause. 

"...What."

"Two hands," Doppio repeated, raising both hands up. "Two people,"

Diavolo raised both brows. Risotto, meanwhile, was clearly upset at being utterly defeated. 

"He's right." Diavolo decided, taking a hold of one of his hands, and when did they even stop holding hands again? Eh, doesn't matter.

"You're defending him now?"

"I'll defend him until the day that I die, Risotto. My Doppio can do whatever he pleases."

"Oh can he?" Risotto said, and turned back to Doppio with determination in his eyes, holding one of his cheeks and-

Fuck. 

One shitty thing about Risotto is that he insists on wearing this garbage lip gloss that's strawberry flavored. Doppio absolutely hates it, and Risotto seems keen on wearing it specifically to piss him off. Like now. There's strawberries near his mouth and he hates it.

Everything else, though? It rocks. For such a goth emo man like him, he's surprisingly shy. But because Doppio is extremely patient, as shown before, he just sits there and waits for Risotto to seal the deal. 

There will go his 21th guy kiss to Risotto, and it's going to be right in front of the other potential 21th one. Sucks. Things change and things stay the same. 

"Solido?"

Risotto jumped away from Doppio at lightning speed, and Doppio in turn pushed him away even more. 21th kiss has remained intact, courtesy of Father the ultimate cockblocker! 

"Y-yeah, Father?" He called back, while Diavolo looked at him in shock, confusion and some interest. 

"Could you help me with the plates please?" Father asked, taking Doppios thoughts away from the fact he almost cucked a frog Prince. His life truly is something else.

"Sure!" He answered, getting up and telepathically telling Risotto to eat a bag of dicks. Risotto ignored the insult, already deep into heavy metal at a mildly acceptable volume because this is a church afterall land.

"I'll help too-" Diavolo said, getting up. Oh, how nice of him. Certainly there's no catch there. 

As it turns out, helping with the plates, according to Diavolo, means watching Doppio carry everything while doing literally nothing to help. Risotto at least put the glasses and cutlery in place while Diavolo just watched. 

Father served Diavolo and Risotto first because Doppios life sucks, actually. The spaghetti looked delicious, at least! Steam was coming out from it and the sauce was that perfect shade of red with some greens he didn't know the name of all around, and Doppio just realized he didn't eat breakfast. Father couldn't serve him fast enough. 

Father called for a quick prayer, and unsurprisingly, it was a disaster. Risotto didn't know what the fuck he was doing and just kept quiet, Diavolo didn't do anything other than just stare wide eyed at Doppio, and Doppio himself kept stumbling between words because he was trying to pray, calm Diavolo down, telepathically bully Risotto and mentally prepping himself for his spaghetti. Four things. His life fucking rules.

"...Amen." Father and no one else said. "Well, dig in!"

Risotto immediately started cutting up his pasta, and Doppio would have beaten him to death right then if Diavolo hadn't coughed. 

And then again. 

"...D- Solido, " Doppio said, and Diavolo was scrunching up his face as he tried chewing. "Are you okay?"

Diavolo waved his hand in dismissal, and then coughed again. He was red as a beet already, pretty much matching with his hair. 

"Oh dear, let me get you some water-" Father said, quickly getting up.

"Get him some pasta without sauce," Doppio added.

As soon as Father was back in the kitchen, Diavolo turned to him with tears in his eyes.

"What's in this?!" He hissed between coughs, pushing the plate aside. 

"Sauce," 

Diavolo hissed again, waving his hands around himself. 

"I thought you could handle it?"

"I-I can! But this isn't spice, this- I don't know what it is!"

Doppio smirked triumphantly, even more so when Father put a plate of spaghetti aglio e olio and no spice and a glass of water in front of Diavolo, who chugged the whole ass glass in a millisecond and almost died. 

Doppio slid Diavolos plate to himself, and waited for him to get back to his normal non red color so that he could actually start eating. 

"You good?"

"...Yeah." Diavolo mumbled, picking his fork. Utterly defeated by a plate of spa-

...Oh, Diavolo has literally no table manners. He's eating it like he hasn't eaten in fucking months, just swallowing the barely rolled up strands without even chewing, his tongue coming out to lick the minimal garlic that kept piling on his sexy ass lips, and he's loud too.

Risotto looked mildly disgusted, but he was also busy trying to pretend he wasn't suffering because of the spices. Doppio genuinely likes it spicy and that's not just a dirty joke. Risotto's red all over again, but this time it's not because he's a-

"Solido, are you feeling well? You haven't even touched your plate yet." Father asked. "Is this about-"

"I'm fine! I, uh, sorry."

Doppios plate had remained untouched all the while, not because of Donatella (his food strike had already happened, wasted a perfectly good cassòla too) but because of the disaster by his side. His mouth was slightly agape as he used his remaining forces to hold himself down from both screaming at Diavolo for being fucking rude and gross, and also to keep the monkey brain part of himself in check. 

He slightly nudged Diavolo, curling a few strands of his own pasta with the help of the spoon (wink wink, Risotto, you fucking animal) and staring at him as he slowly chewed with his mouth closed. Diavolo blinked, looked back down at his plate, and went back to slurping. 

Ooh I can't not fuck him-

"Soli-"

"I'm eating!" He said, shoving pasta on his mouth while keeping an eye on his pasta friend. He didn't cough once, and as he went for more both Diavolo and Risotto looked at him in a mix of shock, admiration and envy. 

Diavolo was the first to finish and then Risotto, and a super cool awkward ass silence settled as Father and Doppio took their sweet ass time eating, appreciating spaghetti in the right way. Just as Doppio eagerly went for a third round, Risotto spoke up.

"...I should… Go." Risotto said, getting up from his seat so that Doppio wouldn't have room to argue. 

"I'll take you to the door," Doppio quickly said, getting up as well. Diavolo didn't even blink before getting off his seat. 

Risotto blinked, his brain visibly resetting as he looked at the two, back at Father, at the spaghetti, and then into the void. 

"...Okay."

The three walked in complete silence to the door, an almost post funeral like mood settling in as they walked side by side. There were a lot of things they should be discussing and especially now that Father wasn't near, but also, nah.

"...Uh. Bye." Risotto said. "See y-"

"... I think I have a hand fetish?" Doppio said out loud. 

Risotto closed his mouth and died. Diavolo, meanwhile, didn't react, didn't even stop their current handholding because he's just cool like that. 

And then Risottos soul came back to his body, and he shrugged. 

"Meh."

"What do you mean meh? Is that normal now? You're a fucking sex pest then?"

"I didn't say that." He argued. "It's not that bad. I've heard worse."

"...You're a freak."

"My friends are freaks."

"You're a freak by association!" Doppio exclaimed. "Shoo!"

Risotto was about to shoo away, but Diavolo was quicker on the draw. He cleaned his throat, and both Doppio and Risotto turned to look. 

"...I… Appreciate your help, Risotto. I look forward to seeing you again, despite… A thing or two." Diavolo said. "...And I like your hoodie."

"...Okay."

And there goes Risotto. Finally, he fucking leaves, his face red all over and while he tries to choke himself inside his cool hoodie because he can't handle compliments. Oh, he tripped. Idiot.

Incredible. Risotto has the gall to call Doppio a harlot and he's out here losing his mind over this super cool punk that's clearly way out of his league. Although…

...Oh that would be fucking hot. Two goths (well one is a punk but whateverrr), one twink. 

Yeah no. As he and Diavolo walked back to Spaghetti Town, Doppio realized he absolutely could deal with that. He has two hands but so do they, right? They can make an actual love triangle (Doppio is the acute angle, because 69° and also he's a cute. So is Diavolo also? But then, according to math, if there's two sixty nines- Okay, forget it). And well, Risotto has a boyfriend (HE'S NOT-) but Risotto also has a third arm. Metaphorically.

But who cares about arms. Hands are the real deal anyways!

"Solido?"

Oh shit no this isn't hot Father is just around the corner-

"Could you come over here please? Bring the dishes."

He sighed, trying to pry away those absolutely not holy boy thoughts from his head as he headed back to the dining table and started gathering the dishes. 

The empty plates were left on a pile as Diavolo closely watched and didn't help at all. As soon as Doppio stepped away from the table, however, Diavolo encroached on him, looming over like a gargoyle and locking his head on the crook of Doppios neck. 

"What are you-"

"Two meters, remember?" He said quietly.

Oh yeah. Fuck. That explains it! He completely forgot about that. Oh boy this is a disaster. 

"...But can you like… Stand a little more behind." He whispered. 

"Oh. I'm sorry, my Doppio."

"Stop being cute! Fuck, okay, wait. Just, stand here by my side. And, uh, get the serving dish so it looks like you're helping me."

Diavolo did get the serving dish. He picked it up, put it on Doppios dish pile, and crossed his arms with a smile.

Fucking bitch.

"I have arrived with the dishes," He announced as he entered the kitchen, and Diavolo stood behind the wall. Father looked at him with a smile and quickly took a half of the pile away. See, he's polite. Unlike some other people. 

"I almost forgot to ask," Father said as he started rinsing one of the plates, "What happened to your nose?" 

"Ah, it's fine. I just tripped."

"...Solido, tell me the truth."

Doppio felt himself go pale. He quickly got himself mentally busy by filling the sauce encrusted pot up with water to let it rest. The classic tactic of when you need to clean a dish but really don't feel like it at the moment. The dish washing version of what he's trying to do right now- pretend the situation isn't there and just leave it for future Doppio to deal with.

"Did… Did that boy attack you? Is that it?"

"W… What? No! No, I swear! I was playing with the frogs and I fell on the rocks!" He said. Kind of a lie? I was shitfaced and almost broke my nose because I was looking at frogs sounded not that good, actually. He could almost feel Diavolos heartbeat quicken behind the wall as Father stared at him. 

"Solido."

"Listen, I know he looks…" He dumped some dish soap in the pan to busy his hands. "Odd, but like- He's just, like, rebelling, it's a phase."

"I can see that. Risotto has been rebelling for four years now." Father said, taking the pot from him and actually starting to clean it. 

"...Well I mean. He's grieving."

"I understand, I won't hold that against him. He's a bit… Different, but he's a good kid."

He's a bitch, Doppio thought to add, but that wouldn't fly. Instead, he started washing the spoons. He glared at the two unused spoons, he needs to teach Risotto and Diavolo how to function like real people, holy shit.

"I just… I worry about you, you know? You have such a kind and innocent heart, Solido, and I fear that people will take advantage of that."

Doppio didn't say anything in response. He didn't really feel like a good person most of the time, if ever, but he knew well that he trusted people way too quickly and that he was very easy to trick. He just thought it was less of him being nice and more of just plain stupidity. 

...Father was right. Diavolo could be a master manipulator who would take his soul while he slept all because he couldn't just tell him to fuck off and go back to his swamp. 

…But… 

It was weird. When Doppio looked at him, he felt a weird sense of familiarity. Which was confusing since he's pretty sure he'd remember meeting a Frog Demon Prince Punk and Etcetera.

It was at that moment that Solido "Professional Spoon Washer" Naso realized he had already made his decision. Diavolo, the name stealer, frog prince, possible demon, guy with pink hair, male stripper look alike and as many other titles he has will stay, and Doppio will do whatever it takes to help him. 

"I want to give him a chance," He decided, putting the forks under the tap and getting a tsunamis worth of water on his face immediately after.

Father chuckled, shaking his head as Solido "Not Actually A Professional Spoon Washer" Naso screeched. 

"What am I going to do with you, Solido." He said with a sigh. "Alright. But I do not want you neglecting your studies, alright? And that means both the bible and the course studies. You can't lose your scholarship."

"Thank you Father! And I won't!" He said. Y'know, maybe he could use this whole situation for his thesis. The Psychology Of A Frog Prince Demon Punk Guy.

...You know, maybe that's why nobody talks to him…? Yeah, no, that's a terrible idea. Well, not like they can fucking judge him, anyways! His course is full of freaks! And-

"I'll admit, it's going to be a little weird having two Solidos on the house." Father said. 

"Weeeell, maybe one of those two has a super cute nickname you could use?" Doppio replied, twinkling his lashes. He's postponing the thesis discussion, but boy, Diavolo better get ready for some impromptu therapy sessions sooner than later. 

Father chuckled. 

"I'll think about it."

"Can you also think about letting me dye my hair pink too?"

"No."

Doppio pouted. One day. One day, he'll get his pink anime hair. Pink… Hair...Just like Diavolo…? Without the spots or the gradient, though. Just pink. A tiny bit shorter and more well groomed too.

"Fine." He put the forks to dry and smiled. "Thank you, Father!"

He turned around, ready to go back to hand holding and frog theorizing. 

"And just where do you think you're going? You still have plenty of dishes to wash!" 

Solido "Master Of Deception" Naso was having some doubts.

After the dishes were actually washed, Solido "Actual Solido" Naso, Diavolo "Plagiarism" Solido and Mr. Father Dadman went back upstairs. Doppio held a few spare blankets and a pillow on top as he walked, Father explained the church around and pointed out important rooms such as bathrooms and… Well, just that really. Not much a teenage could do with confessionals, especially not an edgy one and even more especially when said teen is a maybe sorta demon. A maybe sorta demon who hasn't uttered a single word and just keeps looking around as if he's waiting to be jumped. 

Father stopped walking, and both Doppio and Diavolo walked ahead a good and embarrassing distance before they noticed. Father chuckled, clasping his hands together and sighing. 

"Well, I imagine that you must be tired." He said, looking at Diavolo. "Let me show you where you'll stay. We have a few unused spares right at the-"

"Father can he stay in my room with me?"

Father closed his mouth, a surprised look on his face as he did so. 

Shit. Did he know? Did he know about his, uh, second intentions? Did he snoop around on Doppios laptop? Holy fuck, that'd be awkward as all hell. He doesn't know what would be harder to explain; the hand fetish guy, the porn or Naruto. No, no… That couldn't be it, Doppio always uses the anonymous tab for his wrongdoings. Father doesn't even know what a Google Is.

"It's just, um. Can I tell him?" Doppio said, turning to Diavolo. 

Diavolos eyes widened in shock as Doppio turned back to Father.

"He, uh… His family was kind of… Shitty."

His shock turned into confusion.  

"And uh, I wanted to be near him. In case that he feels bad and wants to talk to somebody. I think," He said, taking Diavolos hand in the most platonic way one could hold a hand and almost dropping all the blankets. "I really think we could help him, you know? And I think this will be good for me too. I am a priest to be, right?"

What a load of fucking bullshit. He feels bad for lying, he still has a conscience and it sucks having to do this but he has no other option. It's a sin, yes, (...Wait. Is lying a sin?) but it's for the ultimate benefit of not only him, but also Diavolo. Who is a maybe demon. Double sin. Fuck. Doppio sin? Cool! He's going to hell!

"Oh, Solido, you don't know how happy hearing that makes me." Father said with a tender smile, and Doppio almost exploded in relief. "It's a shame you and Donatella broke it off, because you really grew in this time you were with her."

Doppio smiled back, and bit the inside of his cheeks so that he wouldn't cringe or cry. 

"Of course you two can share. But you'll have to get the spare bed yourself! I'm way too old, my back wouldn't be able to handle it!"

Doppio smiled, pulling Father into a hug and accidentally dragging Diavolo with him. 

"Thank you, Father!" Doppio said, pretty much skipping his way to the storage room and dragging a very confused Diavolo behind. 

Doppio had a bit of trouble dragging the spare bed all the way back to his room. He shouldn't have had, but fucking Diavolo, instead of helping, just sat down on the mattress and let Doppio drag the thing on his own. He just stayed there with his legs crossed and idly watched, not lifting a single finger to help like a bratty prince. 

...Oh, oh wow, whoops. This is going to be a disaster. 

Doppio isn't old but his back was almost fucking killing him when he finally arrived at his room. He ended up making an L with the beds so that way they wouldn't break the two meter rule while also not being dangerously close. Yes, putting Diavolos bed right next to his was his first thought, but it would be kinda hard to platonically justify that to Father. The L formation it is!

He huffed, cracking his back and shooting Diavolo a dirty glare before plopping down on the mattress by his side, head facing down. 

"I want a blanket." Diavolo said, laying down as well. Bossy motherfucker. 

"No."

"...Please?"

"Okay, fine. You want the pink one or the blue one."

"Pink."

"Well the pink one is mine. So, Mr. Lazyboy, you get the blue."

"No."

"Sorry. You're blue now. You're Eiffel 65."

"I don't like French people."

Doppio raised his head from the mattress to see if Diavolo was smiling and that was just a weird ass joke. He wasn't smiling. He looked pretty pissed off, actually.

"... O… Okay? " He said. "I don't think they're french- They're the guys who made the song! You know? I'm blue? I'm in need of a guy? I could beat off a guy? Da ba de da ba die?"

"...What? Is that a spell?"

"It's a bop! Wait, hold on, you can do spells?"

"...It's complicated. I'll explain later, I swear. Just… Tell me about Eiffel, whoever that bitch is."

Doppio giggled. He didn't know why he found Diavolo cursing and insulting a band for no reason so funny and cute, but he did. Maybe french people suck. 

"Hold on, I think I might have it in like, a midi version. My phone sucks but my guys helped me with some stuff that shouldn't be even possible actually." He said, reaching into his pocket. "...Where the hell is my phone."

"You mean that grey thing? It fell from your pocket when I was dragging you here. I left it on the beach."

"...Hey wait a minute how the fuck did you know I live here and how the actual fuck did you guess which bedroom was the right one."

Diavolo smirked.

"Oh, I just know things. Don't worry about it."

In actuality, the church was the closest place and Doppios room literally had one of those wooden plaques with Solido Naso written on it in cursive. It even had a frog under it. So yeah, shit luck, laziness and the ability to read were what actually took him here, but that's just not cool, is it?

Doppio sighed, and then realization hit him like a train. Or a slap. Or four bullets. It hit him like death and he was dying. 

"You left my phone behind."

"Yes?"

"YOU LEFT MY FUCKING PHONE BEHIND?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! MY- HOW THE FUCK-"

"Solido!" He heard Father call from downstairs. He bit his tongue, and furiously looked back at Diavolo. 

"We're getting it back right now. How the hell am I supposed to play snake? And how the hell can my guys call me-"

He paused. Oh fuck.

"...Oh my God I need to tell my guys about you."

"More people? My Doppio… I can concede Risotto, but..."

"Listen, they're going to find out one way or another! They're my best friends! And I want to show you off! And and you left my dear Nokia 3310 behind! I bet the frogs are changing my ringtone and beating my record at snake as we speak!"

"...Doppio."

"Please! Please please please!"

"No."

"Pleeeeease!"

"No."

Solido "Master Of Deception And Master Of Convincing Others To Do Stupid Shit" Naso still had doubts, but he also had something super cool.

"You guys want to see a frog?"

Doppio smiled at his friends, his hands perfectly hiding his new and cool friend (and still leaving him room to breathe, of course). Usually he had shit luck, but just this day, he managed to find them all at one spot. Specifically, at their last hangout place, because Squalo and Tiziano felt bad about polluting the beach with vodka bottles and they dragged Cioccolata and Secco along. Carne came too, since he was nice. 

"I WANT TO SEE THE FROG!" Secco screamed, and his voice sounded as glassy as the day before. It'll probably stay that way for a while. 

"...Doppio, I have a migraine. And I have so much I need to study. Med school is not-"

"Cioccolata stop being a fucking ass, everyone who's here is hangover and everyone here also knows that you wouldn't study today you fuck." Squalo scoffed as he closed the trash bags where the last evidence of their hangout was.

"That's-"

"True!" Secco said as he aggressively nodded. "We're going shopping today! I stole a credit card!"

"...We borrowed it, right Secco?"

"No!" He shook his head. "I stole it from that fishermans kid! His bowl cut sucks and he sucks too!"

"Secco! We-"

"We're going to buy sugar for me! And some dumb books for him! And a collar!"

"Wait. Cioccolata you're… Getting a dog? " Doppio asked, not at all bitter that they couldn't get any animals to live on the church. Not even fucking fish, and no, he was not jealous of Squalos pet piranha and he was definitely not jealous of Carnes little corgi baby GhhHggh- Okay he's definitely jealous of him. That baby puppy is so endearingly fugly and chunky (Notorious S.M.A.L.L. as Carne calls him) and yeah no okay he's going to steal him definitely-

"The collar is for me!" Secco exclaimed. 

…

...Ah.

Well, there's a line that hadn't been crossed! Great!

"Why." Doppio said, and he was sure he heard Diavolo hurling inside his head. 

"..."

"...I agree, Carne. What the fuck, Cioccolata."

"Wh- Did I ask for any opinions?! This is a matter between me and Secco!" Cioccolata exclaimed. "Doppio, just show us the frog. My intimacy is not in place for discussion."

"Cioccolata you're gross as hell and if I see Secco wearing a collar I'm going to bully you until you turn into a raisin. But I wanna see the frog too!" Squalo said, dragging Tiziano over. 

"Secco is going to show up in a BDSM bodysuit if he fucking wants to!" Cioccolata retorted. 

"Yeah!" Secco exclaimed. "And we already own one anyw-"

"S-Secco, please," Cioccolata interrupted with an uneasy smile, because he still had a sliver of shame in him. For now. "Anyways. The frog."

"Cioccolata if you ever display any type of fetish ever, I will strangle you," Tiziano said with disgust. 

"I-"

"Hey!" Doppio called, holding up his hand-made frog cage up in the air. "Frog time! Not fetish time! Check this baby out!"

Like a flower blooming for the first time, he opened his hands and held up Mr. Diafrog, who said a few not so polite things in his head as he was forcibly shown to the world and to Cioccolata.

His friends stared at the frog in silence, neutral expressions on each of their faces. Squalo frowned. 

"...Hey isn't that-"

"DOPPIO THIS IS A POISONOUS FROG ARE YOU INSANE?!" Cioccolata screamed, pushing Secco (who had been just about to touch Mr. Frogvolo) behind him. "PUT IT DOWN!"

Everyone immediately took a step back as if Doppio was carrying the plague.

"...!"

"Guys it's just-"

"DOPPIO DROP IT! DROP IT DOPPIO!"

"Squ-"

"DOPPIO LET THE FROG GO!"

"T-"

"We need to amputate your hand right now!" Cioccolata decided, almost lunging for Doppio and reaching into one of his pockets. "I-"

"WAIT!" Doppio screamed. "LOOK! WAIT!"

And then he kissed DiaFrogVolo, who exploded into red light before his guys could judge the shit out of him. 

Diavolo popped up again, looking uber uncomfortable and even more as all his guys stared at him with wide eyes. At least he wasn't wearing just his mesh thingamajig now, since Doppio lent him a leather jacket from his box of Things I Shouldn't Have But I Have Anyways, Don't Tell Father. The jacket was a little too big for Doppio anyways, and it's not like he would ever be able to use it. Really, his secret box of secret stuff is as dusty as it can get. The only reason there's no spider webs growing yet is due to the fact that he also stores his goth porn in there. 

Also Diavolo didn't close the jacket, showing a good chunk of his mesh shirt thingamajig to the world. A bad boy, who would have known. 

And wowie, silence again, but even more awkward, somehow. Everyone just stared at Diavolo with a completely blank expression, as if time had frozen and they had no choice but to look.

"Who the fuck is this guy," Secco said, breaking the mood completely, "And why is he hot,"

"Well! He's a frog Prince demon thing, he has a lot of titles." Doppio said with a smile.  

"...No?" Cioccolata said. "...No. No, no, no this… What?"

"What the fuck," Squalo said.

"..."

"Doppio is this… A magic trick… I-" Tiziano stumbled. "What… Is this an illusion. What is this."

"Nope!" Doppio said, putting both hands on Diavolos shoulders and smiling. "I don't know what the fuck this is either! But this guy here is my new friend!" He said, sideways hugging Diavolo with a smile. 

"...No??? D-Doppio. This. Do you know human biology? Because- Doppio. I-"

"Cioccolata, I don't know human biology. I barely even know normal biology, only frog stuff. My highest bio score ever was six out of ten and that was because I copied my answers from you."

"So you did cheat! I knew it!"

"That's past now! It does not matter! All that matters is that I have a new friend with cool watermelon hair and nice hands!"

"... Nice hands…?"

"Doppio not you too! Don't tell me you're a fetish freak, I actually like you!" Squalo whined. 

"I-I don't- Listen, whatever, okay what the hell does it matter if hands are sexy or not!"

"Doppio they're just… Hands," Tiziano said.

"They're not!" He exclaimed, nudging Diavolo. "Show them your palms!"

Diavolo looked at him with wide eyes, and kept his prized goods stuffed within his pockets. Sure, whatever, make him look like a freak. 

"...I need to sit down." Cioccolata announced and proceeded not to sit down. "...Science… Biology… Was a lie…?"

"Let's not get radical," Tiziano said. "I, uh. Doppio. What…" He paused, and snapped his fingers. "I get it! Notice how he hasn't said anything and has barely moved at all. It must be a hologram!"

"He hasn't said anything because he's shy," Doppio retorted. 

"...Hey guys has anyone noticed how quiet Carne has been?" Squalo asked. 

All heads turned to Carne. 

His eyes were blown away, as if he knew. And he did. He saw it all. The past, the present, the future. The connections and inter and intra dimensional links between them, the inner workings of the universe tying them together once again, the machinations of fate doing what it liked best, reality bending to put those pieces back together like they once were, for they were made to be one no matter what.  

Slowly, Carne raised a thumbs up without a single other word.

They were not yet ready to know. 

"...................Anyways I found him at the beach yesterday."

"How did you find out about… You know." Tiziano asked, pointing at his lips. 

"...Yeah I uh… Trial and error…?"

"That's fucking gross!" Squalo exclaimed. "I-"

Before Squalo could insult him and before Doppio could defend himself, Cioccolata quickly slid in between the two with a newly formed smile in his face, eyes not on Doppio, but on Diavolo. Secco quickly stumbled to the doctor-to-be's side, leaning on him while holding onto his arm and also ignoring the whole personal space of the frog man thing. 

"You're alive, correct?"

Diavolo didn't answer, but he did grimace as Cioccolata roamed his eyes around his face and body. And then he shoved a finger on his chest, exactly like he does whenever he gets too into something. Doppio was pretty sure he had a scar on his chest after the many times Cioccolata excitedly ranted about human bodies while fingering one of his lungs. 

"Oh, your organism is probably so captivating! I wonder how it all looks inside? Is it more similar to amphibians or does it stay the same? Are some parts of it atrophying? And I wonder how your grey matter is. Is it mutating along with you? When you change forms, does your skeleton stays the same? Do you know how your breathing works? Do you eat? If so, how and what? How is your tongue? Is it human or amphibian? Is your skin poisonous? Can you sleep? Are all your parts intact…?" He said, the tip of his finger sliding from Diavolos chest and all the way down to his navel. "Does it all work, still? Do you have genitals?"

Doppio was kind of glad he had been paying attention, because if he hadn't, then Diavolos fist would have met Cioccolatas face right then. He hugged Diavolo close to himself as he thrashed on his grip, trying to punch or scratch or hell, even bite Cioccolata. Super cool first impressions, but also, that was pretty much how it went when he first met Risotto (except well. Risotto wasn't that creepy and there was no one to hold Doppio back. How to ruin a church donation dinner 101) and that's… Good? Maybe? He just hopes they don't start kissing. Cioccolata is not hot enough to justify it.

"Why don't you fucking come here and I'll show you what works, you piece of shit," Diavolo hissed, "Since you're so interested!"

"Oh! He speaks! So your vocal cords do work!" Cioccolata exclaimed with a smile that was way too wide to be comfortable. "I'm not interested. Not like that. No, no no no no, this requires further analysis! Listen, I can get you hooked on some anaesthetics, top of the line stuff, you won't feel a thing! I'll just, cut you up so nicely all over and know just how you work… It won't hurt at all…" 

Diavolo tried lunging forward again, and while Doppio wasn't weak, he also wasn't … Ripped. Neither was he a maybe sorta demon. Which meant Diavolo only needed one more lunge and Cioccolata would be a sad little dead man.

"Hey, hey, hey, I know he sucks but don't kill him please," Doppio said. "...Also two metters, remember," He whispered, and Diavolo immediately froze in place. "Cioccolata, fuck off. Science isn't real and you're not cutting him up!"

"...Fine, whatever." Cioccolata said with a roll of his eyes. "...But, ah, maybe you could give me a bit of skin? Some hair? And uh-"

"Cioccolata shut the fuck up,"

"...Holy shit." Tiziano said, getting up close and personal as Squalo passively stood behind. "You…" 

He slowly raised his hands, lightly touching Diavolos cheeks with curiosity. While Squalo was more of a I'm seeing it so it's real kind of guy, Tiziano was more of a It's only real if I can touch it. And Tiziano also had some trouble understanding the concept of personal space overall (even more than Cioccolata, incredibly), so when he started roaming his hands around Diavolos face, Doppio doesn't even blink.

Diavolo, however, doesn't know of Tizianos scientific methods.

"...Doppio," He said, sounding maybe a little bit too desperate.

"He's just making sure you're real," Doppio explained. Well, he introduced the concept, more like, because he was not getting into that can of worms, not today sir. Worms are gross and hey wait a minute didn't Diavolo say that he can eat worms? Oh, so then- 

His worm thoughts were cut short as he saw Cioccolata whisper some things in Seccos ear, who in turn smiled and made a few noises that could be described as ???. A few happy ???'s, to be more precise. The two caught him staring, and they both smiled in that way that was beyond the line of just creepy. 

"...Hey do you know how to sleep with your eyes open?" Doppio said as he turned back to Diavolo.

"I'll kill them both." He said as Tiziano squeezed his cheeks together. 

"Okay but can you?"

"I can-"

"I meant the first thing."

"...Yeah."

He looked back at Cioccolata and Secco. They smiled even more. 

"...Can you teach me how to do that too?"

Solido "Will soon be able to sleep with open eyes, that's so cool" Naso was feeling peachy.

After Cioccolata and Secco got done being creepy (well, for that encounter. Cioccolata and Secco will not stop being creepy like ever), they fucked off to buy their creep shit. Tiziano and Squalo decided that they'd just hang out at the beach and Carne had to leave to take care of his cute dog. God Fucking Bless the break from Uni, where dumbasses like Doppio can fuck around, cry a lot and discover frog princes at the beach. The usual. 

He and Diavolo actually found his phone pretty quickly. Turns out Doppio had just walked a straight line from where he and his guys had been, he wasn't even actually lost. Embarrassing.

"So you use that to talk to other people?" Diavolo asked, looking over his shoulder as Doppio checked to see if everything was in place. 

"Yeah! Other phones can do fancier stuff but this one can't handle all that much. It's hard as a brick though. Tiziano spends around one hundred euros per month because if you even breathe on his phone it breaks, while mine has been working for… Uh… A while. More than his."

"Hm."

Doppio finished making sure that his snake records were intact before he looked at Diavolo. 

"You're looking kinda pensive there. What's up?"

"I was just thinking. You could maybe talk through that whenever I telepathically speak with you. It's less… Suspicious."

"What about the ringtone? Phones always ring whenever they receive a call. My ringtone is a midi version of my favorite song, also."

"Cute."

"Hehhe, thank you! Oh boy, I have to teach you what music is, I have so many songs I need to show you! I bet you'll like them!"

"I know what songs are, my Doppio. I learned a few things about humans through some reliable sources."

"...What sources."

"...It's a little, um. Not great."

"Tell me your sad backstory right now!"

"It's not sad, it's just pathetic."

"Diavolo. My middle name is Pathetic."

"That's terrible."

"It's better than Solid Nose! "

"It really isn't."

"Just tell me! Please!"

Diavolo sighed.

"I have a few vague memories, they've been slowly hitting me the more time I spend as a human. I was kept as a pet for a while and my keeper had a rock aficionado dad. He blasted Ronnie James Dio every damn day."

"...Oh my God. That's why you look like that!" Doppio exclaimed, as if he had discovered the secrets of the universe. "You're a punk! An actual punk!"

"...Yeah. I liked the rock, I guess. I have a few bands that I enjoy, in fact."

"Really? But- How did you not know who Eiffel 65 is?"

"Because they're French and I hate them."

"...I don't think they're actually French? Okay, you'll have to explain to me why you hate french people so much."

"Oh, I will. Once I remember why." He said. "But, um. Back to what I suggested. You said phones ring. So can you just… Make the noise yourself?"

"...No??? That's that's even worse!"

"Is it?"

"Yes it is! I'm not doing that, ever!" 

…

"...Okay but like do you think that would work?"

Diavolo, a nineteen year old maybe demon, ex but not really frog, Prince (not the singer unfortunately), edgelord and completely socially inept individual who doesn't even fully understand what phones are, smiled with all the confidence in the world at Doppio, who immediately trusted him despite everything going against that. 

"Of course it will."

Doppio smiled back. 

Right, maybe this could work. 

Father didn't suspect a thing.

His guys were… Fine with it, probably.

Cioccolata and Secco- well, he'll just lock the door and windows. Maybe learn karate.

Bitch Risotto is on their side. 

And, and- Even better. 

Doppio has not one, but two possible leads on who could have done this to Diavolo.

French people. A Rony James Dio aficionado. Said aficionados child.

That's three. That's three leads and he doesn't know how to count. 

Three is not an unlucky number, however. 

They'll do just fin-

"Oh, my Doppio, since we're here with the frogs," Diavolo said, sitting down on a rock. "Why don't I show you my other friend."

"......................Is that an euphemism for your dick?"

He smiled. 

"No."

Diavolo cupped his hands together, and red light started pouring out from it. Doppio sat down in front of him, his eyes blown wide already.

"My Doppio." He asked, his hair swaying in the nonexistent wind, the red glow making him not look Blue, Daba Dee Daba Die.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to see a frog?"