Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Please..."

Allura's hands are shaking and the pinpricks of anxiety stab into her chest and neck. She's on the verge of tears.

She continues praying.

"Please don't do this. Not to her, please."

Her words are quiet, mumbled. She isn't even aware of them as they spill from her lips.

"I deserve this, but she doesn't. She doesn't deserve it, please."

The waiting is agony, but a part of her prefers the agony of ignorance over what will come when she knows for sure. And, indeed, she believes she already does. The test is only to confirm, but she can already feel in her bones that it's true.

---

The moment Pidge walks into their shared living space, she knows something is terribly wrong. Allura sits on the couch, hunched over. Her eyes say clearly that she's been crying.

"Allura!" Pidge doesn't bother closing the door before running to her, kneeling in front of her. "Allura, what's wrong?"

Allura's expression is both sorrowful and guilty. Her voice catches, "Katie..."

Pidge takes her hands and holds them reassuringly. Her eyes search Allura's for answers.

"Katie..." Allura tries again, "I'm pregnant."

Pidge looks at her with confusion, then understanding dawns on her face.

Allura confirms what she's already thinking, "It's his."

Pidge is already hugging her, holding her tight. Allura shouldn't have more tears to cry, but apparently there was still something left, and now it streams down her cheeks. Pidge rubs her back and lets her cry it out.

"Is... is that even possible?" Pidge asks when Allura's sobs start to quiet. "If he was a hybrid..."

"Apparently." Allura's voice is hoarse.

"Someone should probably let Keith know."

Allura's laugh is small, weak, but Pidge is glad to hear it. She pulls back then sits on the couch beside her. Allura leans against her, still wrapped in Pidge's arms.

"So..." Pidge bites her lip and considers her next words, "What are we going to do?"

Allura is quiet for a moment before she says, "This doesn't have to be a 'we', Pidge."

"Don't say that." Pidge squeezes tighter. "This doesn't change how I feel about you. However you choose to handle this, I want to be here for you."

"I don't deserve you..." She says, quieter.

"Allura." Pidge's voice is firm. "This is something that's happening to you, not something you're doing to me. I can't tell you how to feel, but please don't feel guilty over me."

Allura takes a deep, shuddering breath. Her fingernails dig into her clothes, then release.

"I don't have a plan. I only just confirmed it today." She straightens, just a bit, and looks at Pidge. "What do you think I should do?"

Pidge runs her nails along Allura's arm. "...It's your decision, Allura. I don't want you to decide based on what I want."

She shakes her head, a small, slow motion. "I promise I won't. I just want to hear what you think."

Pidge nods and considers. "Both Earth and Altea have a population much lower than they had at their peak. It's one quarter Galra, three quarters Altean... and it was exposed to the quintessence field when we were. Pregnancy and child-rearing will probably pose unique challenges. Still... I'd be interested to see what comes of it."

Allura frowns. "You're talking like it's a science experiment."

Pidge takes her hand and kisses her fingers. "And, although I hadn't planned on kids... I would love to start a family with you, Allura."

"And the fact that it's Lotor's blood?"

Pidge squeezes her hand. "Lotor was a monster. But you were the one who saw there was still good in him, even after everything. Something he helped make isn't necessarily a bad thing just because he was involved."

Allura smiles for a moment, then her expression falters. "I... don't know if I could handle it. Every time I look at the child, I'd be reminded of him. Of what he did to me, to my people... what he almost did to all of us..." She curls into herself. "It wouldn't be the child's fault, but... how can I be sure I wouldn't resent them just for existing? That's no way to raise a child."

Pidge wraps her arms back around her and rocks her in place.

Allura shakes like a leaf. "Am I a hypocrite, Katie?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm the one who said there was good in him. But I..." She breathes, "I hate him. I'm glad that he's gone, and the idea of some part of him still lingering in my life... it makes me sick."

Pidge kisses the side of her head. "There's no shame in terminating a pregnancy you don't want."

"Can I deny it a chance to live for so selfish a reason?"

"Of course you can." She kisses her again. "Allura, if you can't promise the child they'll grow up loved and cared for by people who genuinely want them, then..." She trails off. She isn't sure how she can say it delicately.

She doesn't have to. Allura understands. "...I don't know if I can go through with that either."

"You don't have to decide now. You have time." Pidge stands slowly. She doesn't want to leave Allura's side, but she moves to the kichen and pours a glass of water. "Although, it has been a few months. I don't know how long Altean pregnancies last..."

"There's still time." Allura nods. "I'm not even showing yet."

Pidge hands her the glass, which Allura takes and downs quickly. She feels a little better. Pidge sits down beside her and wraps her in an embrace once more.

"We should still probably talk to a doctor. Maybe see how far along it is. Might affect your decision."

"I'll make an appointment." Allura nods. "Would you..."

"I'll be there." Pidge says. "Whenever it is, I'll drop whatever I have to to be there for you."

Allura nuzzles into her neck. "Thank you, Katie. I love you."

"I love you too, Allura." Pidge kisses her and holds her tight. "You're not alone. I promise."