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Steve prides himself on his parties. Back when he’d first come back to Hawaii, the idea of opening his house – his Dad’s house – to relative strangers had horrified him. That, and the mess a party would cause. Then Danny had taken over his life, along with Grace, Chin and Kono. And suddenly they’d found themselves out on his lanai with beers every Friday night.
Friday night beers had morphed into parties. Small at first. They’d grown along with his network of friends. Somehow his house gradually became the first choice for any ohana gathering. Now it’s the first place anyone suggests for a party.
He still thinks his Dad would be horrified by the intrusion.
It’s Christmas Eve 2019. His house is full of people – again. He’s cleared out the dining room. The garage is full of furniture. The TV and recliner have been pushed to the sides of the room. When he and Danny had surveyed their hard work earlier that afternoon he’d been worried there was too much space. Now he’s glad they’d made the effort.
From his seat on the sofa he can see through to the garden. Lou’s out there, grilling steaks and swapping stories with anyone who will listen. Quinn and Noelani are standing next to the water, deep in conversation. There’s music playing. The dining room’s been turned into a dance floor. Tani and Junior are dancing: Junior’s all arm and legs. He grins to himself. Their love for each other is infectious. Hopefully 2020 will be the year they finally get a clue, he thinks silently. He drags his eyes away, suddenly feeling melancholy.
Rubbing at his nose, he looks for something else to occupy him. His eyes settle on Danny and Charlie. They’re dancing too. Charlie’s giggling madly as Danny twirls him. He giggles more as Danny twirls him back the other way. Danny’s eyes are sparkling with laughter. He’s wearing a white-tee and jeans. His feet are bare.
He looks happy.
“Uncle Steve? You okay?”
Steve drags himself back to the present. Grace is standing next to the couch, looking worried. He raises his arm, inviting her in. She might not be a little girl anymore but she still slides in, next to him. Getting comfortable, she tucks her feet under her.
The knot of grief in his chest unwinds, slightly.
“I’m fine. Really,” he smiles, as she continues to frown. “I get to spend Christmas with you, and Danno and Charlie.”
“And Mary and Joanie too.”
“Yeah.” He nods to himself, anticipation making his smile grow. They’d flown into Honolulu that morning. They’re due at the party any time now. “It’s gonna be pretty special.”
Grace gives him a sideways glance. Her expression turns thoughtful. She chews on her bottom lip. The gesture is so familiar, so Danny, it makes his heart ache. Blinking hard, he looks away.
“Uncle Steve?”
He swallows hard: there’s a lump in his throat. His eyes are burning too. Idiot, he curses silently. He’s got all his friends around him. His house is full of life. But he’s still missing all the people who can’t be here.
He’s mourning the things he can’t have.
“I’ve just…I’ve got to get more chairs from the garage,” he lies. He’s moving before Grace can reply. He hurries through the kitchen, startling Renee who’s in there making drinks. Stuttering out an apology, he heads for the garage, slamming the door shut behind him.
Leaning his back against it, he listens to himself breathing heavily.
Fuck.
It’s been like this ever since he got back from Mexico. These unexpected moments when his grief hijacks him. He’s tried to keep a lid on it but it’s not working. He’s never felt so out of control before.
There’s a hesitant knock on the door. He doesn’t need to ask who it is. Rubbing his palm across his face, he takes a deep breath. It’s a couple more breaths before he steps away, pulling the door open behind him. The sound of music and laughter floats in.
Danny steps through. He’s wearing a worried expression - and a pair of slippahs that are a couple of sizes too big for him.
Steve forgets whatever he was going to say. “Are those mine?”
Danny shuffles in further. He carefully closes the door behind him. Silence falls again. “It’s a disaster area in here,” Danny says, taking in the garage and his bare feet in one expansive wave of his hand. There’s a pause. “You okay, babe?”
Steve takes a step backwards. He bumps into his Dad’s Mercury Marquis. He plants his hands on the hood to steady himself. “Why do people keep asking me that?”
Danny stuffs his hands in his pockets. He considers the question with a bob of his head. “Maybe...maybe because it’s because we’re worried about you. Christmas is a tough time of the year—”
“I came for a chair.”
Danny raises his eyebrows. “A chair?”
“Yeah.”
“You sure about that?” Danny’s voice is soft. Concerned.
Steve scans the garage, his sense of panic growing. His eyes are starting to prickle. There’s furniture stacked everywhere. He’s got nowhere to run to. “I’m fine.”
His voice catches, betraying him.
“Steve—”
He takes a breath to steady himself. For a moment he thinks it’ll work. Then he looks into Danny’s eyes. The worry he sees strikes straight at his heart. He tries for another breath but his control is already slipping away. He blinks, blinks again desperately. But the tears come anyway.
“Hey. Hey.” Danny’s shuffled closer. Reaching out, he wipes away the tears with his thumb.
Steve freezes. It’s a simple, compassionate gesture. It’s so Danny. But a jolt of electricity has just gone down his spine. He lets out a surprised ‘oh.’
Danny’s eyes have widened. His hand is still hovering next to Steve’s cheek. There’s a pause. Silence. Then suddenly he’s shuffling backwards. His worried expression is morphing to fear. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he stutters, spreading his arms wide, like he’s surrendering. “I took advantage…that was wrong…”
Steve watches: he feels like he’s dreaming. He’s still crying, his nose is running, but his heart is fluttering with excitement and how utterly fucked up is that? He opens his mouth to say that – to tell Danny it is okay – when Danny bumps into a stack of chairs. Danny tries to right himself but he’s forgotten about the ridiculously large slippahs. He trips – and suddenly he’s falling.
Steve grabs hold of Danny’s tee-shirt, without thinking. He hauls him upright, pulls him in. One second he’s looking into Danny’s eyes, his heart twisting at the love and compassion he sees there. The next second they’re kissing furiously.
Time blurs. Everything is reduced to sensations. Mouths, teeth and noses collide and it’s good, so good. Danny’s body feels so solid and real and it’s everything he’s dreamed about.
“Steve? Your sister’s here.”
It’s Quinn who’s yelling through the door. They freeze again. Their lips are still touching. There’s silence then the sound of footsteps retreating.
Steve sends up a silent prayer of thanks that is was Quinn who came to find them. He’s pretty sure she won’t barge in. Then his brain kicks in with a shocking dose of reality. “Our families are out there.”
Danny’s face reflects the horror he’s experiencing. “Shit.”
“What are we going to do?”
He’s expecting Danny to rescue them from this nightmare. Danny laughs instead. There’s a hint of hysteria seeping through.
Disgruntled, he leans back to study Danny’s face. “It’s not funny.”
Danny’s head bobs and weaves. He laughs again. “It is. Kind of.”
“Fine.” Steve crosses his arms. Straightening up, he tries for a nonchalant tone that he definitely isn’t feeling. “You can go out there and tell Grace and Charlie that we weren’t in here looking for chairs.”
The comment has the desired effect. Danny stuffs his hands in his pockets and shuffles. His giant slippahs leave marks on the dusty floor. “We don’t have to tell them. I mean…we can tell them later. We don’t have to tell them right now.”
Steve nods. That’s not a bad idea. He’s not ready to share this – share Danny – just yet. Relieved, his mind’s already wandering back to other things: hesitantly he dips in for another kiss. The second kiss is even better than the first. Danny’s up on tiptoe, running his fingers through his hair, when the door rattles.
“Steve!”
His heartbeat shoots through the roof: it’s Mary. “Coming!” he yells back, automatically. Kissing Danny hard and fast one more time, he smooths his hair back down. Wiping his shirt sleeve across his face he grimaces: it’s covered in snot and tears. He raises his eyebrows at Danny. He can’t believe they’ve chosen now to reveal their feelings for each other. Their timing couldn’t be worse.
Danny smiles at him. It’s cheeky and fond in equal parts. “Let’s go.”
Steve follows him. He’s floating on cloud nine. Or at least he is until he sees the back of Danny’s white tee-shirt. It isn’t so white any more.
“Um…Danny…”
Danny follows his gaze down. There’s a big dusty hand print on the front of his tee-shirt. There are two more on the back. It’s clear from the placement what they’ve been up to.
“You’re an animal.” Danny’s growling but the laughter’s back and this time it’s real.
Steve shrugs. There’s a frisson of excitement lighting up his spine. “You could take it off.”
“Seriously?”
“It was just a suggestion—”
“Right—”
“It’s only dust. Let me get that and—”
“Get off. Jeez, stop touching me—”
“Really?”
“No. Of course not really. But your sister’s on the other side of that door.”
“Killjoy.”
“Get out there,” Danny grumbles, grabbing his arm.
Steve briefly considers arguing. Briefly. Danny’s touch is making his skin goose-pimple. Before he realises what’s happened, he’s being bundled out into the kitchen and through to the living room.
The music’s still playing. But everyone’s gathered in the dining room. He has a moment to take in Mary standing in one corner, Grace standing beside her talking animatedly. Charlie and Joanie are sitting on the carpet, already playing in their own world. Then as one their ohana turn towards them - and eyebrows raise.
Steve wonders if there’s still time to run for it. Beside him, Danny’s giving off nervous vibes. Blindly he searches out Danny’s hand and grabs it. Danny squeezes back.
It’s no surprise that it’s Lou who breaks the silence. “You boys forget something?” he asks, deadpan.
“What?” They share a panicked glance: they sound guilty as hell.
“Chairs.” Lou’s lips quirk up. His gaze travels over Danny and the incriminating evidence that proves they haven’t just spent a ridiculous amount of time hunting for furniture.
Steve clears his throat. It’s obvious their plan to pretend nothing’s happened is a bust. The phrase ‘looking like a bunny in the headlights’ has never felt more relevant. “Yeah…about that. Er…Danny and I….I mean…Danny and me…we…”
He’s cut off by a whoop of joy from Grace’s direction. It acts as a signal for everyone to move. There’s laughter and clapping and hugging and Mary squeezing the air out of his lungs. He finds himself being passed around, congratulations ringing in his ears.
He looks around for Danny. He finds him standing next to Grace, his arm slung around his daughter’s shoulder. Tears are rolling down her face. Concern makes him take a step forward. Then Danny catches his eye and grins and he looks fucking radiant and finally he gets it.
Danny loves him. And Grace is good with that too.
Feeling like a goofy teenager, he closes the space between them. Pulling Danny to his side feels like the most natural thing in the world. Kissing, on the other hand, still feels unreal. Mentally he pinches himself: he’d been dreading Christmas this year.
The thought delivers another painful dose of reality. Breaking off the kiss, he blocks out the clapping and laughter and looks around for Mary. She’s hovering on the edge of the crowd. She’s smiling but the sadness in her eyes is familiar.
Grief stirs in his chest again.
Danny slides his arm around his waist. He squeezes his hip, reassuringly. “Get over here,” he says, gesturing at Mary. “Family hug time.”
Mary rolls her eyes but she comes. So do Charlie and Joanie. And Lou and Renee, Tani and Junes. And everybody else in the room, including Eddie. It’s a bundle of happy, grinning people. They’re giving off so many positive vibes. It’s impossible to feel sad.
“Okay, babe?” Danny whispers, his lips right next to his ear.
Steve shivers: Danny’s warm breath is tickling his skin. He slips his arm around Danny’s waist, revelling in the fact he can touch. Sometimes the only thing you can do is look forwards, he thinks, and live with the cards you’ve been dealt. Right now, the cards he’s holding look amazing.
“Yeah,” he replies vaguely, giving himself a moment to take comfort from Danny’s presence and just enjoy it. “Yeah, Danny. I’m good.”
The End