Archive of Our Own ^beta

Steven never forgets anything, truth be told. He doesn’t forget the first time Pearl poofed in front of him. Nor does he forget when Amethyst’s gem was cracked and when Garnet’s body disintegrated, her eyes looking straight into his soul until she, too, was poofed. It feels like such a long time ago…

Others come and go. The Cluster. Bismuth. Jasper. Eyeball. The Diamonds and the Trial… Steven has tried to run away from it all, to avoid thinking about any of it - especially as he has more important matters to get done first. He has the Earth to protect and everything his mother left behind. Everyone she hurt. Instead, he aims to fix things.

Though, there’s… one thing that he can’t run away from, no matter how hard he tries. He realizes this as he looks at Lars, who’s now some pink being that was resurrected by Steven’s powers. The resurrection part is what terrifies him the most.

Sometimes, Steven can’t even… look at Lars. Not only due to the obvious skin tone change, but also the long scar on his friend’s right eye. Every time he gives these details attention, especially the scar, the younger boy is reminded of what transformed Lars in the first place. He’s reminded of his lifeless body falling to the ground, of it lying in the other’s arms as Steven held him close and mourned.

Of course, he couldn’t be any more grateful for his powers to save the older teenager. Still, it all did happen last minute, and there is no avoiding the fact that Lars died back on Homeworld.

Because of Steven.

He was abducted, taken to a totalitarian, alien planet and involved in the whole mess that is included in being Steven Quartz Universe, son of Rose Quartz. Lars could have been home, safe, but he and Steven battled to survive - or worse, the former was the one to battle the most to save the latter and the Off Colors from the shattering robonoids. And it cost him his own life.

Steven couldn’t have known his powers would work. They’ve failed before- he’s failed before, and he was still getting in the hang of them. Before he knew, Lars was dead in his arms.

And he can’t avoid it. Steven looks away whenever the grim memory comes back, except words in his mind make it through and deafen him.

This is because of you.

This is your fault.

As usual, the half-gem strives to put on a brave face, to not let people know about it. To be honest, he’s still not given further details as to how Lars turned pink. All he managed to say to the gems was that the taller boy had gotten hurt, while refusing to use “death” and “died”. However, out of everyone, only his dad and Connie understood the tragic implications. Greg comforted him when he found Steven looking at Lion with sadness; and, after the argument with Connie, they both talked it out and he told her everything. She hugged him tight and said it wasn't his fault. He doesn't say much after that. Then, it's not brought up again; or at least Steven doesn't insist on doing so.

He’s unsure whether Lars even told his parents and Sadie about it (he’s insisted he told them on his own, reassuring Steven not to worry). Either way, they still accept and love Lars, with weird powers and everything. Steven smiles to himself when he sees the pink-skinned boy spending more time with them, less afraid of himself now. Meanwhile, the same regretful thoughts return to the younger all at once, condemning him for not having the guts to tell others the truth. Steven is the last person to want that, given the fact he’s always been deprived of the truth behind his mom; and it’s cruel to have that happen to people close to him.

But Steven can’t. He can’t say anything. His mouth is shut and he’s almost hugging himself as a comforting action. It doesn’t help much because he can’t even pick his own pieces and put them back together anymore.

Regardless, this shouldn’t matter. What matters now is help Lars and his new friends adjust - or readjust - to life on Earth. The Off Colors have fallen in love with their new home, discovering all sorts of things such as flowers, food, the sunset - things Lars has mentioned to them while they were on Homeworld. They’re probably the first gems Steven has seen to be so open to accept Earth, it’s very endearing to watch.

Then, his dark eyes meet Lars laughing and smiling while he’s with them, and sometimes with Sadie, his parents and the Cool Kids as well. The fourteen-year-old boy smiles, until he stares at the scar.

He can’t think of flexibility, love and trust; instead, he’s met with death, despair and remorse.

Unfortunately, everyone notices at some point.

“Steven?” “Are you okay?” Rutile asks when it happens.

“You look… very... distraught,” Fluorite observes.

“O-Oh, I’m okay! I’m fine,” Steven laughs it off. “I just- r-remembered I had to meet up with the gems, we have an important mission to get done.”

Lars himself frowns in concern and he tries to read Steven; before he’s able to, though, the younger boy waves them goodbye and flees back home, staying there until he calms down. The gems wouldn’t be back in another hour, as far he’s concerned.

He shrinks into a ball and cries.

Your fault

Your fault

Then, the nightmares begin.

At this point, Steven has grown used to them. The gems have witnessed him waking up in panic a couple of times, yet they’re usually in their own rooms, living their lives as always, so no one has any idea. He’s used to it.

Until now.

He keeps finding himself back there, at the First Kindergarten, watching Lars take down a robonoid until it explodes and he falls to his death.

Steven wakes up screaming and crying, because he never gets to save him.

He panics there in his bed, refusing to fall asleep and watch it again.

It reaches the point where he can’t sleep at all.

The others notice and ask him. They already know it’s related to Homeworld, but they believe it’s because of the Trial and his mother. They have no idea, so he makes excuses and leaves the house. He really doesn’t want to think about it.

So, he checks on the Off Colors. They’ve been somewhat living with Lapis and Peridot now, and the two introduce them to their lives in the countryside, featuring their meep-morps and obsessions with Camp Pining Hearts. They also discover they love vegetables - and Pumpkin, to this extent. It’s great.

Meanwhile, Lars is usually at Beach City, hanging out with Sadie and the Cool Kids. And, apparently, his relationship with Ronaldo has sort of improved, too.

Yeah. Everything is fine. Super duper fine.

Some days, he and Lion meet up with Lars at the beach, given the two pink fellows share similar abilities. On their first day, Lars finds out he can walk on water with ease - and jokes he’s “some sort of Jesus now”.

Yet, most of the time, Steven can’t focus. It must have been days, perhaps a week or so, that he hasn’t been sleeping well. Every night is worse than the last.

When they meet each other again, Lars immediately frowns in concern.

“Holy sh- Steven, when was the last time you slept?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it…”

It doesn’t convince him.

“Dude, you’ve been acting weird for some time now. Buck even told me you slept standing up once,” Lars argues. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, it’s… I’ve been excited with some stuff, so sleeping has become a little hard.” Steven yawns. “But I’m okay…”

He can barely stand on his feet, nor keep his eyes open for too long without blinking them to force himself awake.

And Lars, well, he won’t accept that.

“Okay, nope. We’ll have our lessons again after you get some sleep.”

“Hey- no, sleep can wait—”

“No, it can’t, this is about your health. You’re gonna get sick at this rate, you dingus.”

Lars sounds grumpy as usual, but there’s clear worry in his voice. It goes to the point of him carrying Steven without difficulties.

“Let’s get you home.” Lars sighs deeply, then he says to Lion, “C’mon, big guy.”

Steven ends up closing his eyes as he lies his head on the other’s shoulder, finding some comfort in it. Lars isn’t exactly warm, yet it’s… still soothing. When he no longer feels the breeze hitting his black, curly hair, he knows they’re home. Soon enough, the shorter boy is placed on his bed and tucked in with his big blanket.

“Get some rest, will ya?” Lars suggests, almost begging. “Then I can cook something for us later, and you can talk about… whatever is exciting you that much.”

From his tone, Steven can tell that his friend doesn’t believe him about the “exciting stuff”. He would be more nervous if his bed wasn’t so comfortable… he’s pretty much sinking in the mattress now.

“Okay,” He answers simply, drifting off to sleep.

He feels a hand soothing his hair and it only causes Steven to leave the real world faster.

The Homeworld Kindergarten is somehow scarier than the one they have back on Earth. Their holes seem deeper and there are many, many more in the huge walls; almost like a giant prison. And maybe it is, as the Off Colors have been stuck there for who knows how long.

The robonoids are chasing them all, to kill lives Homeworld considers unimportant. Steven has no idea what to do, when he catches Lars running towards one.

He can’t stop him.

For the most part, Lars is able to knock the robots down. It helps that he doesn’t have a gem, yet Steven can’t help but want to yell at his friend to get down, to hide, to stay behind him; even though he’ll likely get attacked due to the Rose Quartz in his belly.

Next thing he knows, Lars is riding one of the robonoids as it destroys everything around him. Regardless, the older boy doesn’t give up.

“EAT… THIS!” He shoves the rock shard into the robot.

It explodes.

And Lars is flying until he hits his head against the pillar behind him.

Steven gasps.

His friend is on the ground.

“Lars! Lars?!” Steven calls him as he rushes to him.

But he doesn’t answer.

He says nothing.

He doesn’t even move.

Steven desperately tries to hear a heartbeat, anything.

Nothing.

Lars is…

Steven’s eyes flood with tears.

It’s so quiet.

So lifeless and dark.

Lars is gone. He doesn’t sense the Off Colors anywhere, either. Maybe they’re gone, too.

And it’s all Steven’s fault.

The younger boy holds Lars close, sobbing. He removes the other’s curly hair from his face, discovering a trail of blood. There’s metal buried in his right eye, and so much red dirtying him and Steven’s hands that he feels himself getting sick.

“Lars, no,” Steven whispers. “No, no—”

He tries to shake his body, to get anything out of him.

Still nothing.

This is your fault.

“No, I can’t- I can’t-!”

Yet, all of a sudden, he hears something. A voice?

He can’t understand it.

“Lars?” He calls again, yet the boy in his arms doesn’t open his eye, he doesn’t breathe. Blood still comes out of him.

“Please, w-wake up!” Steven begs. “I-I’m sorry!”

Nothing. If anything, the noises are louder.

“Wake up!” Steven yells and shakes him more furiously, more desperately. “Lars!”

His breaths rush and then the boy wonders if something is coming for them. He must- he must get them out of there. He’s gotten his friend into this mess. He shouldn’t let anything happen to him.

But Lars is dead.

This is your fault

Your fault

YOUR FAULT

Steven tries to wake him, yelling louder, “N-No, no, no, please-!”

Something touches him. He feels he’s not holding Lars anymore.

“ LARS! ”

It nears the end of the day when Lars checks the fridge to find anything for them to eat - or at least for Steven. He doesn’t find much other than a couple of eggs, milk and cheese. From what he’s aware, Amethyst tends to eat literally everything the kitchen stores, so they constantly need to buy more groceries. Even then, Steven is someone who goes out a lot, so he ends up sticking with food like pizza or french fries.

When checking the freezer, he finds some Lion Lickers; and soon after that, Lion is glued to his side, and steals the treats before the teen can get them. Lars can’t help laughing at how Lion tears the paper out.

So, Lars concludes he might just make some omelet, especially as he discovers some spices on the counter. He might stay at Steven's house for a while, mostly after Pearl came to check on Steven, noting his lack of sleep and silently begging Lars to look after him since they've probably been trying hard to help. Understanding that, he nods and accepts it.

Furthermore, he also lets his friends know he might not make it for movie night at Sadie's. They have also been aware of Steven's sleep deprivation, so they comprehend.

Once Lars makes way to the couch, he feels… something.

Something odd. Something… bad.

He can’t describe it.

From the looks of it, Lion even stops eating the Lion Licker as he gazes at the ceiling.

What follows are noises. Distressed, scared sounds that come from upstairs. Lars freezes for a moment before he’s on his feet, rushing to Steven’s bed. When arriving there, he finds the younger boy moving a lot, having pushed his blanket away. His eyes are closed, yet he’s… he’s crying.

“Shit--” Lars mutters to himself when he reaches the other’s bed.

“... I can’t- I can’t-!”

“Steven? Steven, wake up, it’s not real,” Lars tries not to touch the boy, so he attempts to talk to him.

For a moment, Steven is silent, as if he’s heard him; yet he doesn’t appear to wake up, as he sounds more desperate afterwards.

“Can you hear me? Steven!” Lars approaches more.

“... w-wake up!” Is what he gets. “I-I’m sorry!”

Goodness, what could he be dreaming about? And what can Lars do without scaring him more?

“Steven, wake up! It’s just a bad dream!” He pleads.

Instead of helping, it only makes things worse. Steven is crying harder and hyperventilating in his sleep. He yells something that doesn’t make sense.

Panicking, Lars finally grabs his shoulders. “STEVEN!”

Then, the other boy jolts awake with a piercing scream.

“LARS! ”

Steven’s eyes are open wide and filled with tears, and he flinches away from the grip. The taller teen is caught off guard for a moment. He’s- was he dreaming about him?

The younger is staring at him, as if striving to figure out who’s in front of him.

“Steven,” Lars tries to sound calm, except he’s freaking shaking right now. “Steven, it’s okay. Whatever it was, it wasn’t real. You’re okay; I- I’m okay.”

He doesn’t know what happened but he tries to prove him he’s fine. Lars is now sitting on the bed and carefully approaches Steven, who struggles to breathe at a normal pace.

“L… L-Lars?” Steven’s voice is so small and lost, it simply breaks his heart.

“Y-Yeah, it’s me. I’m here. I’m right here, I’m okay,” He rambles, gesturing at himself with a weak, reassuring smile.

However, Steven keeps staring at him as if he were a ghost. He shakes his head as more tears roll down his face.

“I’m sorry,” Steven sobs. “I-I’m sorry—”

“Hey, hey, you don’t need to apologize. It’s okay,” Lars reassures him, while confused. For once, he tries to reach him and hug him, only for the younger to break more.

“I-It’s not okay!” Steven snaps. “You DIED , Lars!”

Lars flinches at his tone and stops right there. The air around them is somehow colder now. Steven is still crying and he’s furious, guilty and sad.

“Y-You… You died. I c-can’t… run away from it,” He admits, quieter. “I can’t look at you without- without watching it happen all over again. Y-You fell, you were in my arms, and you weren’t moving, a-a-and…”

The half-gem can’t even speak without bursting in tears. Meanwhile, the older is unable to say anything, processing everything he’s being told, and the intensity of the words.

Lars has known something was odd. Sometimes, he would catch Steven looking at him with a strange expression; yet the pink teen never questioned it. Now, he might regret not doing it sooner. He never stopped to think about the fact that Steven saw him die before his eyes. Sure, he revived Lars yet, from what he recalls, he hadn’t even known he could bring people back to life.

Lars can’t imagine the feeling. Yeah, he's the one who died, but he couldn't remember it. He remembers passing out and when he woke up, he was already pink. But Steven saw and remembers everything. For Christ’s sake, he is just a kid.

The shorter boy is hugging himself, hiding from the other at all costs. Steven’s cries are deafening his ears and it’s too painful for him to take it. Lars should’ve done something, he should’ve-

He feels something touch his knee.

Lion.

The pink cat is looking at him, as if telling him to help Steven rather than drown in his guilt. With the boy’s sobs still echoing in the house, Lars silently nods at the feline and takes a deep breath. He lowers and softens his voice.

“Steven, I…” Lars feels his own eyes burning, so he dries them with one of his hands. At first, he doesn’t know what to say, so he looks at himself. He finds his own chest and…

He might have an idea.

“Steven, I know you’re scared. But can—” Lars gulps. “Can you please come here? I wanna show you something.”

For a moment, he fears that won’t be enough; but Steven briefly stops sobbing, and his glassy eyes are visible. It hurts seeing him like this… Still, Lars keeps on a supportive smile.

“Please,” He insists. “I promise nothing bad is gonna happen - to either of us. We’re safe and we’re not there anymore; we’re both home now.”

Lion lets out a noise, perhaps to reassure Steven of that, too.

Steven looks hesitant, yet there’s a shred of hope in his eyes. With that, Lars opens his arms more, and opening the space between his legs. It takes a couple of long minutes, but Steven makes way to said space. He’s still for a moment, unsure what to do, when Lars slowly places a hand on the back of the younger’s head, pulling him close to his chest. Steven tenses and the taller caresses his black hair.

“Can you hear it?” Lars asks.

Steven listens to it. His heartbeat. The other can feel it, too; it’s slow but… it’s still there.

The fourteen-year-old gasps and lets out a tiny, “Y-Yeah.”

“Yeah. I’m… I’m still here. I know it’s not like how I wanted it to be,” Lars sighs. “The scars are here and they won’t fade... but they can heal. And right now, I’m alive. You saved me.”

There’s only silence again, if not for Lars’ beating heart, when there’s a sniff, and so Steven is breaking down once more. He buries his face in the other’s chest, and Lars wraps his arms around him tight.

“I-I’m so—” Steven is almost doing it again. Blame himself, and Lars keeps rubbing his back.

“Shhh, it’s not your fault,” He reassures the crying boy. “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, ya hear me? You saved my life, and that’s all that matters to me.”

Steven sobs louder, to the point of screaming, and Lars only holds him tighter. Lion manages to include himself in the hug, nuzzling against the latter’s body. It almost feels too familiar, when Lars used to get nightmares when he was younger. He remembers his parents doing this for him as well.

In the meantime, it strucks Lars the fact that Steven hasn’t reached out to anyone about this. Knowing him better now, he must think it doesn’t matter. But it does.

They hug and don't let go any sooner. Tonight, Lars is the one to take care of him, and he hopes that Steven allows it more in the future.