Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"You want another beer, Ben?"

I set down my newspaper, folding it in half and smile at over Rose. She's the sweetest little bartender I ever known. Cute as a button, too. I lick my lips and nod. Cheap beer for dinner again. It's hard to take care of myself after Rey died last year but I do alright.

Rose is quick, pops off the cap and sets it down with an adorable smile in record time. Ma keeps bugging me to go out and find a new woman to keep me company, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a little nervous around her.

Shame she's married...

But he's a nice guy, a good buddy of mine, even. I'll leave a nice tip for her and mind my business, like a good ole boy. I'd never wanna disrespect her or Hux in anyway.

I'm just so tired of being lonely...

I drink it down faster than the last six. Smooth now, barely taste the bitterness. Rose raises an eyebrow at me when I belch real loud. My cheeks turn fire engine red and I mutter an apology before digging my hand into the pretzel bowl. Whoops-a-daisy. She shakes her head and chuckles while she cleans down the bar.

God damn, she's cute... But I'm a good ole boy.

That's what I have to keep reminding myself, anyways.

Three more beers, a double Brandy, and two bowls of pretzels and... I'm sloshed.

My eyes keep going in and out of focus and my fingertips are numb. Just the place I love to be. It's easier to pretend that Rey is just waiting for me at home and that she isn't buried out in Jakku Cemetery, rotting and being eaten by bugs.

Best not to think about that.

I sway around as I shove my fists through my coat, failing miserably at trying to get in the arm holes. Fuck. I bite the tip of my cigarette between my teeth and huff. If Rey were here, she'd help me get this stupid damn thing on right. She'd -

I pause, closing my eyes, to take a staggering breath in.

"Ow..." I mutter while I place my hand to my chest. Alcohol is starting to lose its battle against my emotions. Not good.

Fuck this. Need a walk. Maybe go visit her grave and sulk in private. It's not too far from here... I turn too quickly and almost trip on my boots, grabbing one of the barstools next to me. Whoops.

"Ben, you alright...? Should I get Hux to come take you home?" I shoot my head over to look at Rose, who's looking at me like I'm something to pity while she cleans some cups. I hate that look. She gives it to me a lot.

I wave her off and try to smile. "Nah, nah, nah. Don't bug him, I'm just gon' walk on home. G'leave my truck here. I'll ring 'em in the morning for ride here, mkay?"

Jesus Christ on his throne, I can barely talk. Fresh air should do me good. Maybe I'll get a bite to eat at the diner, too... Too bad there ain't any flowers sprouting right now. Rey needs some daisies on her grave.

I grit my teeth. Fuck me. Her grave.

I need to get out of here before I start bawling like a baby. Don't cry in front of women. It's weak. Not right.

I almost leave without paying my tab but I stagger back and wish Rose a goodnight with a 20$ tip. Eh, why not? I don't spend my money on hardly anything but booze anyways. The bar is nearly empty but it's only around 7pm. Should pick up soon. College kids and shit.

I light another cigarette when I step out into the freezing cold air. It really feels like it's biting at me, a mean old bitch of cold out here... I stop by my truck and fumble with my two keys for a minute to grab my gloves and scarf. Least I can wrap my face a lil bit.

I set off into the woods, following the barely used trail towards the cemetery. My chest aches and I shiver, but that eventually leads into shaking which leads into crying.

God damn it all. My tears frost on my face and I bump into thin branches and kick rocks until I finally buck up and gulp down the lump in my throat. I light another cigarette and squint a little, glad at least there's a bit of moonlight to see.

Should have fuckin' drank more....

Chapter Text

I hate the fuckin' cold.

I swap between grumbling to myself and whistling. Hate the quiet, and it sure is quiet out here... I rub the back of my neck and glance around. I keep gettin' random goosebumps and I feel uneasy. I don't know why - no one is dumb enough to be out here. Except for me.

I light cigarette after cigarette on my way down the trail, having to open my new pack already. I pull up my coat sleeve to check my watch and see it's only 8:16pm and I'm already more than half way there.

Huh. I make good time when I'm freezing my ass off...

"Damn this damned... Fuckin'... Freezin' cold!" I shout into the woods at no one in particular. My finger tips are numb - probably bout to fall off.

I growl and swat at a thick branch that swings back with a vengeance and smacks my arm. I angrily rip it from the leafless tree and it breaks clean off. My emotions switch faster than a keg tap and I grin down at it and jump into a defensive fencing stance, sliding my old boots on the hard soil.

Ma had me take lessons when I was a kid, her blue blood tendencies still running hot to this day. I wonder if dad would have thought it was a good thing to waste money on or if was just a plain dumb waste of money.

I jump over a puddle and pretend to sword fight against my dear ole dad, stepping back and forth clumsily. I was winning, since I figure he'd always been better with a gun, anyways. I laugh until my boot snags under a thick root and I fall on the ground, hard.

I lay there, breathing heavily on the cold, hard dirt and glared at the darkness of the woods. Who gives a fuckin' hoot what he thinks anyways... He left us behind for a life of crime and sin with his... His lover.

There's a noise somewhere off of the trail, deep in the woods. I think it was just a stick breaking from an animal steppin' on it but it still scares me enough to jump out of my skin for a second. I hold my breath, listening for another noise but there's nothing more...

I squint and search along the tree line, wishing I had brought a flash light. Or a gun. Stupid to come out here unarmed but I almost wish a bear would tare me apart and put me out of my misery. It's what I deserve. Maybe. I don't know.

I huff and shove my face down into the cold ground, grumbling while my heart slows down.

"Get it done and over with. Go home, have a few beers. Go to sleep. Go to work. Do it all over again... Fuck it."

I push myself up with a old man groan and brush my clothes off and stagger back onto the trail, picking up my stick sword as I pass it. I wobble around and feel for my cigarettes in my breast pocket, noting they were only partially smooshed from the fall. My lips form a hard line and I try not to cry again.

My feelings are all over the place tonight. I don't have control anymore.

I hope dad and Uncle Luke are real pleased as punch about doin' that to my ma. Rat bastards... I should have bought some flowers for Rey. She loves flowers. No. Loved... Past tense. I rub the snot from my cold, red nose. Gotta remember that.

Loved... Past tense.

I was finally coming up the hill to where the cemetery sits and the half moon shone down on it, peaceful and pretty. I slow my heavy stomping when I come up to the wrought iron gates and flick my cigarette behind me. It's rude leave cigarette butts on hallowed ground I think.

I wrap my fingers around the swirly design of the gate and take a deep, shaking breath through my nose. I don't want to go in but I'd only been here three times in the last six months and that wasn't right. I shook my head before turning and knocking it against the gate.

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk...

"Don't chicken out now, you big goon. You owe her more than that. Just get in there and do it!" I growled from my bared teeth, eyes mashed shut.

After a big, gusty sigh, I think I'm ready.

I shuffle through the cemetery, trying to be respectful and I fix up some graves I pass by. I don't know why. I never gave a shit about the dead before this... But this is all Rey's land far as I'm concerned so it's my job as a husband to look after it.

At least I can do that for her.

I finally reach her headstone with a thick lump in my throat. I slowly kneel down on one knee, grimacing at the crunching and popping noises it makes. I shouldn't feel this old at 36. Shouldn't have a dead wife at 36 either...

Rey Solo

1947 - 1967

Beloved Wife

Sunshine On A Cloudy Day

My hand slowly reaches out, quivering in the stupid cold, to softly trace the cursive lettering of her name. I choke on a sob I can't hold back anymore. I lose it completely and fall forward to hold the slab, embracing it like it's actually her.

"Rey -" I bawl, tears and snot running down my face. "Rey... I'm so sorry. I miss you so much honey, so much. I - I hope you're happy up in heaven. I hope you -"

I can't finish my sentence; I'm trembling like crazy, caressing the stone while holding on to it like I might be swept away into the dark if I let go, even a little. I might break it in half if I hold on any tighter. I can't let go.

But this is about more than just her headstone, more than just me drowning in my own sadness.

It doesn't matter what happens - I can't let her go. I won't.

Ever.

Time passes by and I finally start to calm down, just a little. I place my forehead against the freezing stone before I kiss it and lean back. I look up the moon, now in a different place in the starry sky. I shiver and wonder what time it is. I check my watch and see it's almost midnight.

Shit. Gotta be up in about four hours... I'm probably not gonna get any sleep tonight. I never do when I visit her. I wish I could make this pain just stop.

I wish I could wake up one morning and she would be in kitchen, fixing me breakfast like she used to. She loved to cook and bake. Always a morning person when I never could be. She spoiled me endlessly and I tried to do the best I could to provide for her.

Every morning, she would make my favorite: three over easy eggs with a sprinkle of salt, four pieces of toast, six pieces of bacon, fresh baked biscuits and the strongest black coffee in the galaxy.

The memories flew passed my eyes, no matter how hard I tried not to think about them...

Rey giggling at me because she flicked paint on me while we painted the living room. Rey and Rose splashing each other in the lake while Hux and I grilled burgers on the shore. Rey tanning out in the backyard buck naked so she didn't get tan lines, laid out happily in the wild flowers. Her skin always tanned so dark that we figured at least one of her real parents had to be something other than white.

She wanted babies so bad, but we were holding off until we had a good lump of money. We were almost there. Just another month or two and we would've been set to finally start popping out some critters. My hands clench into fists and they shake with fury.

"So fucking close..."

The anger builds up so fast I don't have time to be ready for it. My mouth opens and the roar rips out of me so loud it echoes into the open space around me. I spin around and claw at the unrelenting hallowed ground but I refuse to give up. It hurts so bad but I keep trying to shred into the soil anyways.

She's coming home with me tonight - no matter what.

"Don't worry, baby. I'm gonna bring you home. You're coming home. You're coming home." I mutter over and over again.

I grit my teeth and double my efforts. I'm sweating now. Should have brought a shovel. Would have, should have - but I ain't got one. Fuck it. I'm strong; this will work just fine. It has to. Come on, Ben. Come on! No excuses!

I growl like a wild beast, possessed by my task. I'm finally getting hand fulls of cold soil and scooping then behind me, going faster and faster. I'm starting to get tired but I just need to push through it. Sweat drips down my face and my hair sticks to it.

How deep are graves again? Bout six feet, I think? No problem. Shouldn't take too long. I'm about a foot or two already. Easy. Easy as cake. Pie. I laugh, gasping. Rey loves pie. She can bake some when we get home and then we can eat it and snuggle in bed an-

Something touches my shoulder and I freeze, my breath puffing out of my mouth like a stream engine train.

"What the fuck -"

I spin around, crazed and startled. I'm gonna have to kill this person. They can't get away and tell people I was digging up my dead wife. I'll be thrown in jail -

Wait. I know those feet...

My head snaps up and I can't believe my fucking eyes.

No. No. This can't - No. I'm insane. I'm insane. I've really fucking lost my mind now and more than just in a 'digging up my dead wife' sort of way. I can't breathe, strangled by every single emotion in the world. This can't -

"Ben? What are you doing, honey?" Rey asks, her head slightly tilted while she looks down at me.

She's naked, and her skin is a lighter shade than the last time I saw her. Her hair is longer, too. My jaw is hanging off my face and it opens and closes a bunch of times like a fish because I don't know what to say. Where do I even start? Her eyes flash in the moonlight as she smiles. It makes me flinch back at first, unsure.

But no - it's her - it's Rey.

Without thinking, I instantly scurry towards her through the dirt and wrap my shakey arms around her bare legs. I tremble and squeeze her, making sure she's real. She feels real...

And cold.

"Oh!" I let go of her to rip off my coat and hop up, wobbling back and forth and rub my runny nose. "Shit, baby, you're cold! Sorry! I'm sorry!" I stammer out while I help her into it.

"I - I..." I can't breathe. "Doesn't matter." I pick her up into my arms and stumble. She's a little heavy. "Let's just... Just go home."

Rey shrugs in my arms. Her long, slender legs and feet dangle and I hurry up out of the cemetery.

"M'kay, honey."

Her voice doesn't sound quite right... Fuck it.

Doesn't matter. I'm not about to look a gifted house in the mouth. Not now. Not ever. God gave me back my wife and that was enough for me. I don't need answers, I just need her ass home and warmed up.

I ran as fast and as carefully as I could back to the truck. I struggled to watch my footing and not her even though I could feel her watching me. I gripped her tightly in my arms and nothing could wipe this smile from my face.

Nothing.