Archive of Our Own ^beta

There was a boy at the bottom of the pool.

With a barely-contained sigh, he strode over to the edge of the pool, disregarding the fact that he was in fact, trespassing, stripped down to his legskins and jumped in.

Surrounded by the water, he felt almost comfortable, enveloped in a calming presence that only he used to exude. He was no Haru, but compared to the truly turbulent seas that was the water before he met him again; five years later, five years wasted; the still, silent waters were now nothing but a relief, before barbs and thorns grew up and around his throat, always, again.

He hated to do this; he really did.

Reaching out, Haru's blue eyes had flickered open slowly in the darkness, undeterred by the water.

There was no flicker of recognition, though his eyes were clear.

Rin grabbed hold of Haru's shoulders; never his hand, it was not his place; and tugged him up above to the surface.

He might have been a coward before, but the least he could do now was to repent.

Both broke for air, spluttering reflexively, but Rin never stopped pulling Haru towards the starting blocks. Thankfully, Haru climbed out of the pool by himself, following after Rin. Rin did not think he could stand it, if he had unknowingly offered Haru his hand to pull him out. 

There was something to be said about Rin dragging up Haru from the depths of the pool like this, when the raven-haired boy was wearing running weights on his legs, and looked absolutely unwilling to leave.

Mumbling a half-hearted, barely-audible, "Haru can you not", Rin grabbed towels from his gym bag, threw one at Haru and wiped himself dry as Haru merely curled up, his arms circling his bent knees.

There was no admonishment, no yelling, no shouting, no crying. Not anymore.

Rin had been here by chance one day, finding the gates curiously unlocked and hearing quiet, little splashing sounds when there should have been silence in the dark, soulless compound. Peering past the wire fence, he caught a glimpse of a body, a dark silhouette framed by a far-off light against the night sky, disappearing beneath the waters, with a perfect, beautiful, haunting dolphin dive.

Somehow, in a trance, he had entered the school compound, and arrived at the poolside. His face blanched as the too-familiar black-with-blue-stripes slingbag by the deckchairs confirmed the identity of the late-night swimmer. 

It was one month after Makoto's death that day, Rin had remembered with a horrifying start.

Rin had started running, afraid of...death, he supposed, but at that moment, it did not matter. He did not even bother to shout; he knew how poorly sound travels in water from air. Almost tearing off his jacket, he dived in.

It was almost impossible to see underwater without goggles, much less in the dark. But Haru, Haru was perfectly clear.

Sitting there, at the bottom of the pool, in the remnants of light from the nearby lamp post, a circle of blue light enveloped him in a soft hue, with his arms circling around his bent knees, head tilted to the sky, seemingly searching for answers only he could see.

It was beautiful, in the clearest sense. Haru had always been beautiful, but this particular shade of melancholy suited him well.

But Rin barged forward to pull him out in a hurry anyway. Rin did not do gentle.

And that was when the shouting began. To be honest, it was all Rin; Haru did not even bother refuting any of his insults and words, taking all of Rin's words with an encompassing silence.

Then Rin had started to cry, because he was really afraid and he saw the running weights on Haru's ankles.

He was really, really afraid. 

As he was now, as summer slowly drew to a close and Haru's scouts grew more insistent than ever, unsatisfied with vague replies and silences. He worried about Haru.

The mocking thing was, Rin supposed, that Haru did not even falter in his swimming. If anything, his timings even improved, due to lengthened hours of 'training' and 'conversing with the water' after every swim club session. He did not know if Haru would still go back to the pool for extra practices, or to even swim in the sea, not anymore. The absence of warm green eyes next to Haru's intense blue ones were still unbearable. 

Rin did not know much about what was going on in Iwatobi; Nagisa and Rei always managed to blindside him whenever he asked; but he knew that at least, joint trainings were different now.

It was always different without Makoto.

He glanced over to Haru, who still had not moved an inch from his position, and heaved another sigh, before squatting down to wipe Haru dry.

His rough tousling strokes, incomparable to gentle caresses. But Rin was not Makoto. Rin did not do gentle.

Oh, but he could have been, would have been, had he managed to pull his head out from the gutter earlier. And he hated himself everyday for not doing it, being late by a hair.

He could have been gentle.

Heck, he wanted to be gentle, more than anything.

Makoto would have told Rin to take care of Haru.

So he did.

Unwillingly, though not really. Haru always needed someone to take care of him. Rin hardly minded, but...it was different. Different.

After making sure Haru was properly dried and washed and clothed ("I can bathe later after my run," Rin had said), Haru finally spoke, after hours of silence, "Makoto died today."

Rin tensed, his blood freezing in his veins. He continued packing his bag anyway, his hands secretly unsteady, "I know."

And so there's that.

Rin never asked if Haru wanted to go visit Makoto's grave together; Makoto carried different meanings to each of them, so there was no point, really.

Rin walked Haru home, making sure that he was safe when he entered his house. As to whom Rin was trying to protect Haru from, Rin did not know anymore. It scarcely mattered, because all was not right in the world (and it might never be) and all Rin wanted was someone to protect him too.

He ran, instead of taking the train. When he went back to his dorm, Sousuke raised an eyebrow from the top bunk and almost wanted to nag at him for straining himself again; he pushed himself more than ever after Makoto’s death; but thought better of it and went back to his classical pieces on his iPod.

Hours later, as Rin lay on his bottom bunk, unable to sleep, he thumped the underside of the top bunk with his outstretched leg. He knew Sousuke would not sleep until Rin slept; Sousuke was a protector like that.

If only Rin had wanted Sousuke's protection, maybe he could have been less miserable. Maybe. But it was never Sousuke's collarbone that he wanted to cry into in the first place, so that was mostly a moot point anyway.

Thumping the underside of Sousuke's bunk, Rin told him, "Sou, Makoto died today."

A pause. Then, "I know. You told me this morning."

A slightly longer pause this time, before Rin spoke again, careful to speak in English, because Makoto did not understand English (though he knows, it doesn't matter anymore) "I love him a lot, y'know."

"I know." In English.

Somehow, those two words made all the delayed waterworks pour out over the waterline of his eyes, and he scrubbed at them desperately with the backs of his hands like a child would do; like how he did when he was younger and Haru almost drowned to death; choking back his sobs, his teeth worrying at his bottom lip until it began to bleed. 

Stuck in the grey area, that was Rin. Unable to move on nor let go, constantly running  on the spot, chasing after the shadow of a ghost long gone.

He cried, and he cried, and he cried. "I'm sorry, Sou."

A lengthy pause, and Rin thought maybe Sousuke had fallen asleep and the half-assed, but truly, sincere apology was missed. But Sousuke replied, "Don't be."

Then, "Go to sleep. You have early  morning lessons tomorrow."

Things were finally stabilising after a while. At least, that was what Rin thought. 

Rin got used to pulling Haru out. Sometimes it was Nagisa or Rei, when Rin was not there. Even Gou, who had zero talent for sports (and proud of it), started to ask for swimming lessons, if only to offer some measure of help.

Haru still ignored the scouts. Rin accepted a few, some of the offers coinciding with Sousuke's. Iwatobi welcomed a new swimmer, Kaede, but he knew he was just a replacement; he had intended to be a replacement because he owed Makoto too much, and he happened to swim backstroke. He was not as proficient as Makoto's (no one would be), but it got the job done; Iwatobi was still able to swim the medley relay with Rin, against Rin, against Samezuka.

Rin still visited Makoto's grave twice a month, standing wordlessly in front of the tombstone with all his regrets stuck in his throat, after all this time. Rin still went for practices and extra practices and joint practices and stayed behind with Haru. Rin still walked Haru to his house before running back to Samezuka. Rin still cried. Sousuke still watched over Rin. Things were still wrong, but maybe Rin was slowly mapping out this organised mess, inching forward on tiny steps, stumbling along with baby steps, finding small routines that both comforted and scared him.  

But yes, Rin was about as fine as he could be. And he was nothing but terribly grateful. 

"So then, I'm off." Rin had been discussing dorm plans and university admissions and picking courses with Sousuke. He was still waiting for a reply from Sousuke's university, but Sousuke said there would not be any problems and there was no harm in planning ahead. 

"Wait." Sousuke chucked an umbrella at Rin, who caught it just before it could form a bruise. "The weather forecast said something about broken clouds. Bring one just in case."

Rin waved goodbye with the shark-printed umbrella and left for Iwatobi.

There was a boy in the pool.

Rin sighed and began to settle into his comfortable routine; stripping down to his legskins, jumping into the pool, swimming to the bottom of the pool.

He sounded like a pearl-harvester, even to himself. But he supposed Haru was sort of a pearl, one that Rin was unable to retrieve from the ocean, because the ocean would forever be a part of Haru, no matter how it tore at him and wore him down, making him despairingly beautiful.

Haru was a pearl, one that did not belong to him, just...left here for safekeeping.

As Rin dived into the pool, tears from the heavens started falling. So, Sousuke was right about the broken clouds. Broken clouds...maybe the sky pitied them enough to cry too; Rin was poetic enough to believe that.

He was always afraid; really, really afraid.

Rin dived down, ignoring the clenching feeling of his gut, like he had forgotten something, like he had somehow missed something--

He grabbed hold of Haru's shoulder, but it was cold.

Rin shook Haru's shoulders roughly, because he did not do gentle, but Haru's eyes did not open.

He tried yelling into the water, despite how badly sound travels underwater, but Haru did not hear, could not hear.

Rin tugged Haru up to the surface, as per his routine. Dragging Haru up from the depths was torture. Only Rin spluttered for breath. Not Haru. He was so cold. 

Pulling Haru up onto the poolside because Haru would not respond to anything now, and felt for his heartbeat when there was none; nothing but cold, so cold, cold flesh and bone.

(he was too late)

(too late too late too late latelatelatelatelate)

He still performed CPR anyway, because Makoto would have told Rin to take care of Haru so why couldn't he do anything right why was he such a failure why was he late by a hair again why why why did you have to go too—

He dropped his head onto Haru's unfeeling, silent chest, turning blue by the minute; intense blue like Haru's eyes; and cried, and cried, and cried.

(broken clouds)

(broken people)

(broken souls)

(broken)

fin.

(I loved him a lot, y'know?)

(Makoto died today.)

(I know.) (I know.)

(I don't.)