Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: KEYBOARD
08:25, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

TWILIGHT, CAN YOU PLEASE GET ONTO IT SUPPORT. MY KEYBOARD IS STUCK IN UPPER CAPS STILL AND IT HAS BEEN THREE DAYS SINCE I SUBMITTED THE TICKET. 
ALSO YOU STILL HAVEN'T CHANGED YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS. AS DEPUTY CEO YOU ARE EXPECTED TO HAVE AN APPROPRIATE EMAIL FOR THE WORK ENVIRONMENT

TIME

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Old Man's Keyboard 
08:30, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Legend, please just go upstairs and fix the man's keyboard. He's driving me insane. 

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Ticket No. 171198
08:32, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Mr. Forester, have you tried pressing the Caps Lock key, located to the left of the keyboard below the tab key? 

IT

To: Legend Realm {[email protected]}
From: Time Forester {[email protected]}
Subject: Re: Ticket No. 171198 
08:34, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

OF COURSE I HAVE, THIS DELAY IN RESPONSE TO MY TICKET IS HARMING PRODUCTIVITY. PLEASE SEND AN ENGINEER UPSTAIRS AT ONCE

To: Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: I'm sorry
08:40, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Please can you go upstairs, the old man's keyboard is still 'broken' and he's demanding an engineer. I don't have the energy to argue and I'm up to my tits in password resets from Wild. 

Legend

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: I'm sorry
08:50, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

There was a deku seed stuck under the caps lock key. Old man denies all knowledge. 

To: Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re:Re: I'm sorry
08:52, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

For fucks sake. 

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Cc: Wind Outset { [email protected] } , Wild Hateno { [email protected] } , Warriors Knight { [email protected] } , Sky Chosen { [email protected] } , Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } , Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Good Morning !!IMPORTANT!! 
09:00, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Morning All

We're now in the third week of this season and I've yet to receive meaningful updates from any of you. This is a reminder that the deadline for your reviews is next week. Furthermore, marketing, I need something more substantial than 'mood boards' and 'vibes' to present to the shareholders as our winter marketing campaign. And absolutely no comic sans. 

I'd also like to remind all employees as we approach reviews that your work email address is a reflection of the company and should be professional.

Time

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] } 
Subject: Really? 
09:10, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Can you believe the old man called us out like that on an email we're all CC'd into? Outrageous. I'm going to have to cancel our Harry Potter marathon in the conference room later as no doubt Warriors will be down to make sure we're working. Just go out to the parking lot and take some photos of leaves and shit. 

Wind

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }, Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] } , Wild Hateno { [email protected] } , Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } , Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] } ,
Subject: Re: Good Morning
09:15, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Mr. Forester, 
I'd like to take this opportunity to ask about dates for the Winter Festival party. I've contacted Ms. Romani at the Milk Bar and she has availability for the 7th of Frostfall or the 14th. It's 50 rupees a head. Should I make a booking? 

Sky

To:  Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Really? 
09:18, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Sky used reply all. Again. I warned you the last time if you didn't supervise him I'd remove his email privileges. 
Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry. 

Legend. 

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] } ,
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: (no subject)
09:20, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Sky for the love of fucking Nayru stop using reply all. I can hear Legend sharpening that knife he keeps in his desk. I’m scared.

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] } , Wild Hateno { [email protected] } , Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } , Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Re:Re: Good Morning
09:25, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Morning Sky,
The 7th of Frostfall should be appropriate. Please make sure they’re aware Wind is not to be served alcohol.
Time

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] },
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: THIS IS IT
09:26, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

YOU’VE GOT THE OLD MAN USING REPLY ALL NOW TOO. IT TOOK ME WEEKS TO STOP HIM. I’M GONNA COME UPSTAIRS AND CONFLICT RESOLVE THE WHOLE OF HR WITH MY FUCKING BOOT UP YOUR ASSES

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: What is going on?
09:30, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Twilight, I’ve just walked past our HR department and it is empty. Not a single soul. I can hear Legend screaming. What on Farore’s green earth is going on? Warriors is due for a meeting with me in less than fifteen minutes.

Time

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } 
Subject: Help?
09:35, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Half the HR department is trying to hide in my office. It’s been ten minutes. I’d like to get back to actually doing my job, but it’s difficult when Warriors keeps banging his head underneath my desk every five seconds.

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] }, Wild Hateno { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Legend
09:45, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I’ve managed to lock Legend in the third floor janitor’s closet. Please all return to your desks before Old Man starts asking more questions. Do not, and I repeat do not, let Legend out.
Four, he’s your problem now.
Twilight

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] } , Wild Hateno { [email protected] } , Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: Just so you're aware
10:30, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Legend has been safely returned to his desk. Please continue to give the IT department a wide berth until the coffee gets into his system. 

Four 

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
Subject: Ticket No. 171199
10:35, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I know it's not quite been 24 hours but if you could push through another password reset for me? 

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Ticket No. 171199
10:38, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

No.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Ticket No. 171199
10:39, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

What do you mean no? I know it's the third time in 72 hours but if I don't get access to my stock photos folder Wind will kill me. Please Legend. Please. 

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Ticket No. 171199
10:40, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

That sounds like a you problem, not a me problem.

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: You’re kidding?
10:40, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Could your guy not have left Legend in peace for five minutes? He just broke his coffee mug through gripping it too tightly. Tell me again why you hired someone who has the memory of a goldfish? Seriously, forty five password resets in a month?

To: Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: You’re kidding?
10:43, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I know, I know, but he’s a photographic genius. Remember that snap he got of Warriors tripping over his own scarf? It was like a renaissance painting. Scatterbrained yes, but talented. Look, meet me in the lobby at lunch. I’m buying. We need a plan of action for this year’s Winter Festival party.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Just checking in
10:44, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I saw you removing bits of coffee mug from your hand in the break room.
You are still taking your blood pressure pills, yes? Remember the breathing techniques.
Hyrule

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: The Incident
10:50, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

If you ever discuss the events of the janitor’s closet with anyone, I will break every single one of your fingers, before sharing the contents of the folder labeled ‘Work Stuff’ on your desktop to the company cloud server.
I know it’s not work stuff.
Love, Legend.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: The Incident
10:55, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

You wouldn’t dare. Don’t make me CC the old man into this.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: The Incident
Attached Files: Work Stuff.zip
10:58, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Try me, bitch.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: The Incident
11:00, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

You conniving little rat bastard son of a keese. 

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: 11:00 Sales Figures
11:15, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Hyrule, I’ve not yet received the 11 am figures. It’s unlike you to be late. Can you give me an update please?

Time

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Hyrule
11:25, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

The 11am sales figures have not arrived and Hyrule isn’t responding to my emails. Please go see what the hold up is. I’m currently on the phone to my wife and unable to escape for another half hour at least. 

Time

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: What is going on today?!
11:35, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

You all vanished this morning, the 11am figures are late, and nobody will answer my emails. Can you, who is responsible for managing humans, go and find out where my staff are for the love of the Golden Goddesses. If I have to come downstairs and interrupt the phone call with Malon, I won’t hear the last of it for weeks, and therefore neither will you.

Time.

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Spill
11:37, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

You’re on the same floor as sales. What’s going on? Old Man can’t get hold of anyone.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Spill
11:39, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Twilight is throttling Legend in the break room. Something about breach of personal data. Hyrule went in to intervene about a half hour ago but we’ve heard nothing since. Wild and I are taking bets on who will come out alive. Want to join in?

Wind

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Your time is nigh
11:40, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

There is a conflict happening in the break room between Legend and Twilight. Resolve it. And get Hyrule out of there before the Old Man comes down.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Your time is nigh
11:41, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I resign

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Your time is nigh
11:42, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

That isn’t an option.

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: 11:00 Sales Figures
Attached Files: 1120SEYOH.xls
12:00, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I’m very sorry for the delay sir. We had an issue with IT. Please find the requested figures attached. I assure you there will be no delay at 3pm.
Hyrule

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: I can see you
12:05, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

You slunk back into your office with a black eye about ten minutes ago. I can see you. They’re glass offices, idiot.
Be in my office in ten minutes.

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
Subject: Pay up
12:08, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I know you’re sitting across from me but I’m sending it as email so I have written proof. Legend clearly won that. You owe me 50 rupees.
I’m waiting.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] } , Wild Hateno { [email protected] } , Warriors Knight { [email protected] } , Sky Chosen { [email protected] } , Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } , Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Lunch Announcement
12:30, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

To say I am disappointed by today’s events would be an understatement. Petty workplace squabbles, bickering and especially violence has no place at Linked Corporations. In response to this, at lunchtime today you are all required to attend a team building lunch in the downstairs conference room. Attendance is mandatory. 

Time

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: Totem Time
14:00, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Please tell me you got a photo of that.

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Totem Time
Attached files: TotemTime.jpeg
14:02, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Naturally

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: HOLY
14:04, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Please tell me he got a photo of that!!

To: Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: Fwd: Re: Totem Time
Attached files: TotemTime.jpeg
14:06, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Naturally

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Totem Time
14:08, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I take it all back. He can submit as many password resets as he wants. The man’s worth his weight in headaches. That’s a work of art.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: That
14:10, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Please tell me that I was wrong, and you were definitely wearing underwear during that ordeal?

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From:  Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: That
14:11, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Nope.

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Cover
14:12, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I need you to take over for me. I have to go home and shower. Immediately.

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Well
14:15, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I don’t know whether to hate you or commend you. Team building? That’s what you call that? Remind me to never, ever cross you.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From:  Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Well
14:17, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

There’s a reason I’m still the boss, pup. I hope you took notes. One day, I hope to see you on my level of passive aggressive workplace banter.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] } , Wild Hateno { [email protected] } , Warriors Knight { [email protected] } , Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } , Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: A warning
14:25, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

I don’t know how it’s possible, considering we were all in the same room for an hour, but someone has eaten my mango yogurt. Did none of you learn anything from that exercise? What’s wrong with you all?!

To: Sky Chosen {[email protected]}
From: Time Forester {[email protected]}
Subject: The yogurt
14:27, 20th of Sun’s End, Year of Hylia

Twilight just mentioned to me you were missing a yogurt.
It was delicious.

Time.

Chapter Text

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, 
CC: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] } , Wild Hateno { [email protected] } , Warriors Knight { [email protected] } , Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } , Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Good Morning
08:30, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Morning all, welcome to the first week of the final season. A reminder that it is the annual Winter Festival party this Friday. Please keep the evening wear appropriate, even at the afterparty held here at the offices. After last year, I realise I have to stress that pants or some form of lower body garment is mandatory. 

Let’s aim for a productive week.

Time.

To: Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Wind Outset { [email protected]}
Subject: The Heist
08:35, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

You are still on for the plan Friday? You’ve not got cold feet on me, have you?

Come on, we’re buddies. For me.

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: The Heist
08:37, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Did you not hear Sky on the phone? Not a single bar from here to Termina is allowed to serve you. If I get caught doing this, I am deader than a Pols Voice at a Slipknot concert.
You owe me. Big time.

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
Subject: I’m concerned
08:40, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Wind’s up to something. He’s been doing that thing where he cackles and rubs his hands together for a solid two minutes now. I’m concerned.
Also, what’s the evening attire policy on thigh high boots?

Wild

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: I’m concerned
08:40, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Thank you for your report. I suspected as much. I will keep a closer eye on him. In response to your enquiry, do none of you people just own suits? What’s wrong with this company? Mr. Forester made the morning announcement not ten minutes ago and you’re the third one to ask me about some bizarre article of clothing. I said no to Legend’s tricorn hat last year too! Please just wear something smart, and normal.

Sky

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] },
Subject: Re: Re: Evening Attire
08:43, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Feathers?

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] },
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Evening Attire
08:45, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

NO.

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] },
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Evening Attire
08:46, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Okay, okay, what if we settle for the shorts with Time’s face on them that I got for Secret Santus last year?

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] },
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evening Attire
08:48, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I can’t even begin to describe to you how inappropriate that is.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] }, Wild Hateno { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }, Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Secret Santus
08:50, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I’ve been reminded that we have yet to organise the Secret Santus this year. Please come take your name from the box in HR. No cheating, 25 rupees maximum, and please bring it to the party Friday. Since we are exchanging gifts there, please make sure they’re appropriate for the Milk Bar.

Please, no giftcards. Especially not to Tingle’s Fairy Emporium. That’s plain mean.

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } 
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Who did you get?
09:00, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I got Warriors for the third year in a row. I’m so excited.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } 
Subject: Re: Who did you get?
09:03, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

It’s supposed to be a secret, Legend. That’s the point.
Please get him something nice this year. He wore that crop top for three shifts before we told him you were just being mean and he could throw it without you feeling bad.

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Secret Santus
09:05, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Legend just left here grinning from ear to ear. You promised me you would withhold my name from the box until he’d picked. Please tell me you didn’t forget.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] } 
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Secret Santus
09:07, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I swear that I did! The only person that picked before him was Time, and he said he got his own name so chose again!

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Delivery
09:10, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Boss, there’s a delivery at the front desk for you. Tatl is getting quite irate because it’s blocking the fire exits. This can’t all be Malon’s winter present, can it? Just how many boxes of Holodrum Wine did you order?

From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Delivery
09:12, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Enough.

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Delivery
09:25, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Err, they’re still coming. We’ve had to start moving them into conference room three.

From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Delivery
09:30, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Good

To: Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: DO IT
09:45, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Twilight’s just headed back upstairs. This is your chance. 

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: DO IT
10:00, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

The server room closest to your workstation. Behind the leftmost tower. Three boxes, as promised.
Remember, you owe me. The old man will find out.

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: The Wine
10:15, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I thought you’d might like to know three boxes of it somehow ended up in the graphic design department under Wind’s desk.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: The Wine
10:17, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Bold of you to assume I wasn’t already aware.

To: Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: DO IT
10:20, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Four, these boxes are fucking empty. There’s just post it notes with “sike” “u” “thought” on them.

From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] },
Subject: How do you do, fellow kids?
10:25, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I trust you heard the long list of expletives from our graphic design apartment. Did I use ‘sike’ correctly? I hope it had the intended effect.

Time.

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: How do you do, fellow kids?
10:30, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I am simultaneously impressed and embarrassed. How did you know? How did you even?
Teach me your ways.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
CC: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] }, Wild Hateno { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Friendly Reminder
11:00, 3rd of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

A reminder to all employees that no alcohol is to be kept on premises in work hours.
Except for me, of course.

Time

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, 
CC: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] }, Wild Hateno { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Good Morning
08:30, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Morning all! I hope you have recovered from any hangovers you may have sustained. I have been informed by the janitorial team that there’s a purple lace bra in the breakroom coffee machine. While we all like to have fun and kick off steam, please remember the poor souls who had to clean up after us on Saturday.

Time

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: The Bra
08:35, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

It was yours, wasn’t it?

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: The Bra
08:40, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I will neither confirm nor deny such claims.
Could you check in on the sales team? According to the CCTV footage, Hyrule didn’t leave the building until 1pm Saturday. It’s probably best to make sure he’s okay after spending a night in the second floor bathrooms.
Time.

To: Sky Chosen {[email protected]}, Wind Outset {[email protected]}, Wild Hateno {[email protected]}, Warriors Knight {[email protected]}, Hyrule Woods {[email protected]}, Legend Realm {[email protected]}, Four Smith {[email protected]}
From: Twilight Ordon {[email protected]}
Subject: Fess up
08:42, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Who got me the twelve VHS copies of Dances With Wolves?
I just want to know why

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] } 
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: I know you have it
08:43, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Give me back my stapler.

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] } 
Subject: Re: I know you have it
08:44, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

What stapler? What even are staples? I have no knowledge of this place.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] } 
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: I know you have it
08:45, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I CAN SEE IT ON YOUR DESK

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] } 
From: Legend Realm {[email protected]}
Subject: Your gift
08:45, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I trust you've seen where I've installed your gift. I really think having a life size cut out of the old man brings your office together.

Legend

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: Did you see her?
08:50, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Midna Black is in reception asking for Twilight. You know, Midna. From Fused Industries. I suggest we all go for a coffee break immediately

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: Your skills are required, padawan.
08:55, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Get your best zoom lens, go into the parking lot, and pretend to be taking photos of robins and crap. The woman in reception is Twilight’s ex. We need to know what’s going on.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Midna
09:00, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

She’s downstairs. She’s been waiting ten minutes. I would not keep her waiting longer.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Just checking in
09:02, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Hey, you do know Midna’s downstairs? Do you want me to bring her up? Everyone seems to be clogging up the break room.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] },
From:  Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: HAH
09:05,10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I think this is the opportune moment to remind you that the subject of your ‘Work Stuff’ folder, which I still have in my possession, is in reception downstairs.

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Your skills are required, padawan.
09:10, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Warriors frogmarched Twilight downstairs, and now he and Midna are heading into one of the private meeting rooms in the left wing.

To: all.staff
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
09:15, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

TO ALL STAFF

Congratulations, you’ve got a free paid coffee break at the Starbucks three doors down. Please vacate the building immediately. Do not return until 10am. Do not enter the left wing. Do not speak to Twilight Ordon. Do not ask questions.

Time.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: So?
10:15, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Would you like me to help you delete the ‘work stuff’ folder? Or should I put in an order for a new 1tb external hard drive for it?
Spill. Boss man doesn’t just empty the building for a business meeting.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: So?
10:20, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I’m going to ram an external hard drive up your fucking ass, Legend.
Me and Ms. Black have a perfectly professional relationship. We were discussing a particularly sensitive business arrangement. That is all.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: So?
10:25, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

So that’s the reason you were hiding in the server closet until Warriors forced you downstairs? Wind just sent me photos. He says you were crying.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: So?
10:30, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Wind’s a lying little shit. If you must know, because I know if I don’t tell you then that fucking folder will end up in Old Man’s inbox, we’re going out to dinner tonight. I know you haven’t spoken to an actual, breathing woman in over a year but some of us have complex emotional relationships, you fucking rat.

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: I’d like to report a murder
10:31,10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Legend just choked on his coffee. 

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] }, Wild Hateno { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
BCc: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] },
Subject: The Twilight’s Relationship Status Company Watch Club, Frostfall Update
15:00, 10th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I’ve been the president of the TRSCWC for three years now, but tonight may be our most important yet. Twilight is going for dinner with the she-devil. I want everyone on their best form. Wind, I need you to compile two folders of content for our work chat; one if it goes well, one if it doesn’t. Hyrule and Sky, you’re on emotional support watch. Sleep in shifts if you have to, someone must be accessible at all times. Warriors, hit him with the chat up lines. Wild, I have reliable information that they’re going to Castle Town Heights, I need you to provide us with your best blackmail material for all circumstances. And Four, you’re with me. We’re digging up every bit of dirt we can on the wench.

Remember, we do this because we care.

Legend

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Last Night
08:00, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I’m guessing it went well, then?

Time

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Last Night
08:05, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

How can you tell?

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Last Night
08:07, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

You strutted into your office this morning.

Time

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: The Club
08:10, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

It’s my duty to inform you as patron of the TRSCWC that Twilight strutted into his office this morning.

Keep up the good work.

Time.

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] }, Wild Hateno { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
BCc: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: THIS IS NOT A DRILL
08:12, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

WE HAVE STRUT-OFF, I REPEAT, WE HAVE STRUT-OFF

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: OMG
08:14, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Please let me organise the wedding!

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Eyyyyy
08:15, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

A little birdie tells me you scored last night. Did the wormdo line clinch it? Come up here for a coffee and tell me everything.

Warriors

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Fro m: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Eyyyyy
08:20, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Whoever told you is in clear breach of our company ethics policy. My private life is none of yours, or any of the other seven people who’ve emailed me this morning’s business. And no, I did not use the wormdo line.

Twilight

(P.S. She was fantastic. That’s all you’re getting)

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] } 
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
Subject: Uh
08:21, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I’m guessing this means I should go take down the dartboard with her face on it from the breakroom before he sees?

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] } , Wild Hateno { [email protected] } , Warriors Knight { [email protected] } , Hyrule Woods { [email protected] } , Four Smith { [email protected] }, Legend Realm { [email protected] }
CC: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Stop
08:25, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I’m forced to do this because I’m fed up of replying to all you fucking snakes individually.
Me and Ms. Black had dinner last night to discuss a potential merger of our companies. I have been getting some highly inappropriate emails and if this continues, I will be forced to take severe action. I’ve CC’d Mr. Forester into this email, so yes, this does constitute a formal warning. Another word from any of you and I’m removing the vending machine.

Twilight

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
08:28, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

The companies weren’t the only thing merging last night, amirite?

Time

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, 
CC: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] }, Wild Hateno { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Good Morning
08:30, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Morning all, as you may have seen in previous correspondence from our deputy CEO, we have a proposed merger with Fused Industries. I’d like to stress that the merger is not yet finalised and therefore should not be discussed with outside parties, and I’d like to reassure you all that in events of a merger, your jobs are secure. This is a positive step for both companies.

Time

P.S. In the event of the vending machine being removed, I would like to reiterate the one in my office is strictly off limits.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Midna Black {[email protected]}
Subject: Ticket No. 191198
08:40, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Good morning, Mr. Realm. I’d like to be fully instated as a user on your business network per this mornings communications.

Midna

To: Midna Black {[email protected]}
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Ticket No. 191198
08:45, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Only if you promise not to break our deputy ceo’s heart again, bitch.

Love, Legend.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Midna Black {[email protected]}
Subject: Re: Re: Ticket No. 191198
08:47, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I hardly think that’s a professional start to our working relationship.

Midna

To: Midna Black {[email protected]}
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Ticket No. 191198
Attached Files: 6FF2100.jpeg, 6FF2105.jpeg
08:50, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Neither was the way you were restarting your ‘working relationship’ with Twilight last night.
I’m watching you.

Legend.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] },
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, 
Subject: You’re fucking kidding me
08:55, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

The biggest merger in our companies history, and you’re threatening her with blackmail? How many people have seen those photos?! How did you even get those photos?!

Ms. Black and her company assets are invaluable to the ongoing profitability of this company. The only reason I’m not calling you into my office right now is you’re the only one who understands the fucking computer system in this place.

Twilight

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: You’re fucking kidding me
09:00, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I’d wager half of this floor has seen Ms. Black’s ‘company assets’ by now.
I’m just protecting you from the she-devil.

You’ll thank me later.

Legend

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: Help
09:10, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Legend and Twilight are fighting in the break room again. A tooth just rolled across the floor. I don’t know whose.

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] } 
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: Run
09:20, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

The Boss is coming downstairs.

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] } 
Subject: Re: Run
09:22, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

HE BURST IN, ROARED STOP, AND YEETED TWILIGHT RIGHT OFF OF LEGEND. LIKE ACROSS THE BREAK ROOM. HE JUST PICKED HIM UP LIKE HE WAS A FUCKIN BAG OF SUGAR. HYRULE IS CRYING.

Do you have that popcorn stash in the stationery cupboard still?

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: !!!
09:30, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Why am I hired as conflict resolution when the Old Man can do that?

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: !!!
09:32, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

The law requires me to have no idea what you’re talking about.

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Ahem
09:45,11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

It’s my duty to remind you that society frowns on drinking that much wine before ten am. Can I come and join you?

Warriors

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Dentist
10:00, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Are you absolutely certain you don’t want me to take you? 

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Dentist
10:03, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

What’s he going to do, stick the fucking tooth back in?

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Dentist
10:05, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

Look, I’m not saying you deserved it, but what did you expect to happen, sharing those photos around? Can you not just give her a second chance? Is this about Twilight, or is this about the incident with the car? I know you sent her the bill back then.

Legend, for the sake of your job, let it go. Twilight’s grown up enough to make his own mistakes.

Please take your blood pressure pills.

Hyrule

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: You’re never gonna believe this
Attached files: Legend_Realm_Company_Pass.bmp
11:23, 11th of Frostfall, Year of Hylia

I was digitising the personnel files and I found Legend’s original company ID card from when he started.

Look at this hair!

Chapter Text

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] } 
Subject: Horse
08:07, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Why is there a horse in the parking lot?

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] } 
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Horse
08:10, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

It’s the bossman’s. I’d leave it alone. It bites.

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] } 
Subject: Re: Re: Horse
08:11, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Doesn’t he own a car?

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] } 
From: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Horse
08:13, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

He does. He also owns a horse.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: The Horse
08:15, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Is there… a reason he decided to ride into work today? I’m almost certain there’s a traffic bylaw against that. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure no animals are allowed on company property

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: The Horse
08:20, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

It’s an emotional support horse. 

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: The Horse
08:23, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Dare I ask for what emotion he requires support?

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: The Horse
08:25, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

The daytime drinking kind.

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: From a concerned friend
08:27, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Time, I don’t know whether you can get a DUI riding a horse, but I really can’t afford to bail you out if that’s the case. Do you want to come into my office and talk about it?

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: From a concerned friend
08:29, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Does your office have wine in it?

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: From a concerned friend
08:30, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

No, it doesn’t.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: From a concerned friend
08:32, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Well then, I’m fine here

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, 
CC: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] }, Wild Hateno { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Good Morning
08:40, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Yes, another fine morning. Remember that all summer annual leave must be booked by the end of business Friday. Don’t feed the horse.

Someone bring me a pop tart.

Time.

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Good Morning
08:44: 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Will a cereal bar be sufficient?

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Psst
08:45, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Malon’s pregnant, pass it on.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Psst
08:50, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

And how do you possibly know that?

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Psst
08:52, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

The horse is here.

Fifty rupees says I’m right.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Psst
09:01, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

You know you’re banned from making workplace bets after the chu jelly incident.

Stop being such a gossip.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: A Wager
09:10, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

I bet you fifty rupees we’re going to hear the pitter patter of tiny management feet

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: A Wager
09:13, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

You’re crazy.

Make it 100.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: A Wager
09:16, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

You son of a bitch, I’m in.

To: Wind Outset { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Ticket Number 131202
09:18, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Professionally, I have to inform you I’ve finally discovered the reason your inter-departmental email server has been slow for the last six months, and would advise you and Mr. Hateno I’ve had to delete the almost two terabytes of cat memes you’ve been sending each other thrice daily.

Unprofessionally, what the fuck, Wind?

Legend

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: The screaming
09:18, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

From the copier room. I’m getting concerned. It’s been ten minutes.

To: Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Help
09:25, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

We have a situation in the copier room.

Please don’t tell Legend.

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: The screaming
09:32, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Regarding the copier room, you are our first aider, yes?

I need you and your complete confidentiality.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] } 
Subject: Thought you might know
09:48, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Sorry for the weird question, Hyrule said you’re the man to ask.

Hypothetically, how would I remove a dark red stain from carpet?

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] } 
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Thought you might know
09:50, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Dark red? We talking red wine, or blood? Is it a wool carpet, nylon?
Should I be concerned?

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Thought you might know
09:55, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Hypothetically, if it were blood and whatever the copier room floor is made from?

No need for concern.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon {[email protected]}
Subject: New photocopier order?
10:30, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Legend, why have I just received an automated invoice for a new colour photocopier? Ours is only a year old, and it was a very costly model at that. Can we not get an engineer out for it?

Twilight

To: Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm {[email protected]}
Subject: What the fuck
10:32, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

What the absolute fuck has happened in the copier room?

Get your ass and janitorial down here now.

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }, 
CC: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }, Wind Outset { [email protected] }, Wild Hateno { [email protected] }, Warriors Knight { [email protected] }, Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Legend Realm { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Important Message
11:00, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

The IT department has asked me to pass on a message to all staff that all IT equipment, especially printers and photocopiers, are strictly for professional use. Legend would like me to emphasise that photocopiers cannot hold body weight and are not intended to scan parts of your anatomy. If an incident of this nature occurs again, the cost of repairing this equipment will be deducted from your paychecks.

Our graphic design department will be unavailable for the rest of the day, please forward any necessary work you have for them onto Warriors, who will make sure it gets to them.

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }, Four Smith { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: The accident book
13:00, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

I know your lunch hour has already been cut short, but I need you two to come up to HR so you can help me fill out today’s incident in the accident book, as both Wind and Wild are at the ER. Sky said everyone’s a bit shaken up, so he’s made you some sweet tea, and we’ve raided the old man’s biscuit box. I’ve seen the CCTV footage.

Warriors

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] },
CC: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Accident Report #438
Attached Files: 280420.mov
13:40, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku.

Please find below my report of the incident that happened today, 28th of Faron’s Tide. Attached is CCTV footage.

At about 09:10 this morning, Mr. Woods reported hearing screaming and distress from the copier room. When this had not subsided by 09:18, Mr. Woods notified Mr. Chosen of this. Mr. Chosen went to investigate at around 09:20 and found Mr. Outset entangled with the colour photocopier, which Mr. Smith insists I note was an expensive Sharp MX-4070 that he referred to as ‘his baby’.  Mr. Hateno was attempting to extricate Mr. Outset, who had been making scans of his rear end. The glass had shattered, and Mr. Outset was in considerable distress. At 09:25, Mr. Chosen contacted Mr. Smith, and then at 09:32, Mr. Woods who is our first aider, to attend the situation. By 09:45, the combined efforts of the four men had managed to get Mr. Outset out of the copier, however Mr. Hateno had sustained multiple wounds to the hands from the shattered glass. Mr. Woods informs me he ‘began to remove glass from parts of Wind he never wants to see again’ but due to a large amount of bleeding, the decision was made to call an ambulance. Mr. Hateno insisted on staying to try and clean up the mess caused, but myself and Mr. Chosen insisted he accompany Mr. Outset to the ER.

We are still assessing the cost of repairing the copier and having the carpet professionally cleaned. Mr. Woods has also requested counselling.

Yours, Warriors Knight.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Four Smith { [email protected] }
Subject: The Wake
14:45, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Somehow, despite being only a year old, the copier is ‘end of life’ from the company. I am in mourning. She was beautiful. Our only A3 sized document scanner. I set her up myself, I still remember the day she arrived. We have no choice but to order a replacement, and I guarantee Twi will only give us the budget for a fucking Epson. I’m burying her toner cartridges outside, will you join me for black coffee in the break room afterwards?

We can grieve together.

Four

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: The phone
14:58, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Tatl says she’s been trying to patch your wife through to you for twenty minutes, but you’re engaged. I can’t see you on the phone. Should I ask her to try again?

To: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
From: Time Forester { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: The phone
15:02, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Hello, you’ve reached Mr. Forester’s automated email system. I’m afraid I’m not at my desk right now, and would encourage you to contact me again within normal business hours

To: Time Forester { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: The phone
15:03, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

You are literally at your desk as I’m writing this, you shit.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: The old man
15:33, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

Time’s trying to leave on his horse after consuming his third bottle of Chateau Romani. You live closest to him, could you try to get him to accept a ride home from you? He’s been avoiding a phonecall from Malon all afternoon, so maybe best to take him back to yours. I’d do it myself, but I’m trying to explain to our insurance company how we didn’t have signage up to advise people not to scan their fucking butts, because we didn’t think normal adults would do that. You can have the rest of the day off.

Twi

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Twilight Ordon { [email protected] }
Subject: UPDATE
15:36, 28th of Faron’s Tide, Year of Deku

He’s fallen off the horse.

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: I’M RIGHT
08:42, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Did you see Malon’s in reception? Tatl’s doing that woman thing where she’s gushing how ‘glowing’ she is. Malon’s definitely pregnant. Warriors owes me 100 rupees.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: I’M RIGHT
08:47, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Legend, we got invites to the baby shower last week. Have you been under a rock?

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: I’M RIGHT
08:48, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

They’ve announced a baby shower and I’m not invited?

To: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Oi
08:50,12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Did you get an invite to Malon’s baby shower?

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Wild Hateno { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Oi
08:53, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Yes! I’m doing some photos for her. I’ve printed Time’s face onto a baby onesie, I’m sure she’s going to love it.

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: I’M RIGHT
08:55, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

THE NEW GUY GOT INVITED TO THE BABY SHOWER AND NOT ME?

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: I’M RIGHT
09:00, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Have you checked your pigeonhole? You know, the one filled with letters from the tax office you refuse to open? If you really haven’t, I’ll take you as a plus one, on the condition you behave yourself. Midna’s become Malon’s new BFF or something.

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I’M RIGHT
09:02, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

MIDNA GOT INVITED TO THE BABY SHOWER AND NOT ME?

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Excuse me
09:12, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Why is my stapler on your desk?

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Excuse me
09:16, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Your stapler? I don’t see your name on it

To: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
From: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Excuse me
09:20, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

My initials are clearly written underneath it in my finest gold calligraphy ink.

To: Warriors Knight { [email protected] }
From: Sky Chosen { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Excuse me
09:22, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Firstly, you stole it from me in the first place.

Secondly, I’ll let you keep it if you tell me what the P stands for. 

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: So?
10:05, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Was it in the pigeonhole?

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: So?
10:12, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Yes.

To: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
From: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: So?
10:15, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Did you open those tax letters?

To: Hyrule Woods { [email protected] }
From: Legend Realm { [email protected] }
Subject: Re: Re: Re: So?
10:20, 12th of Nayru’s Rain, Year of Deku

Absolutely fucking not.