Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

John blinked his eyes open in the dark, listening to his phone ring. God. He hated the sound of his phone. He sighed and dragged himself out of bed, to where his phone had ended up, not even looking at the number before answering.

“What?”

His tone was definitely sharper than it needed to be, but he was groggy and felt gross and had just been on a plane or in airports for about a day in full. Who could really blame him?

‘Uh-hi, it-Mateo Hobbs? You were flying in to come see car?’

John blinked again. That was-that was a very nice voice. A very deep, accented, beautiful voice. And then it hit him what the man had said.

“Oh-oh! Shit, sorry- sorry about the-attitude, I just got up-the flight here was hell-”

Mateo laughed and John heard honking in the background. 

‘I heard it like that. Where are you staying?’

“Uh-some-hold on, I’ll get the address-”

John found where he’d written it down and repeated it and his room number to Mateo, probably butchering the name, and he rubbed his hand over his eyes. 

‘I about fifteen minutes away, I can stop to get you and take you to shop-if you up for it so soon after flying.’

“Yeah, I’ll be ready.”

‘Cool, I see you in a bit.’

John hung up and scrubbed his hands over his face again. He sat there for a minute, waking up a little more, before jumping in the shower and scrubbing himself down quickly, all the while thinking about Mateo. He and Mateo had been talking for the past seven months by this point, through text and emails. John had stumbled across the website for Hobbs Customs when he was searching for reputable place to get a custom car-his previous one, as much as he loved it, had been irreparably damaged during a...let’s call it an ‘incident with bullets’-and he’d seen that the Hobbs’ business had a one hundred-percent positive review rating, which was damn near impossible, but John had emailed them with an inquiry and been answered by Mateo. They’d discussed what John needed and if that was possible for them to do, agreed to a price, and after John had been put on yet another ‘extended vacation’, his new captain had suggested that he actually go to Samoa, both to look at the car and to relax.

John got dressed, his hand brushing over the scar on his hip. He wasn’t sure he was capable of relaxing. 

He wondered if he was also tense because of the enormous crush he had on Mateo. 

Today had been the first time he’d heard Mateo’s voice, but he’d really...really enjoyed texting him and emailing him over the past few months, and John didn’t enjoy people-really ever. Not since-well, not since a lot of things. Mateo had managed to break through a lot of those barriers, without actually being anywhere near John. Maybe that had helped; there was no pressure to do that performative bullshit that people always required. John could be himself more freely when all he had to do was type his thoughts out. Mateo had been nothing but sweet and funny and straightforward, too, and John found all of that very attractive. He looked in the mirror one more time, brushing through his hair again. He wanted to look nice. John hadn’t wanted to look nice for someone in a long time. 

There was a knock on the door and he grabbed his wallet, his phone, and debated bringing his gun. 

He grabbed it. 

John swung the door open and-

“John Shaw?”

Oh. Oh. Oh .

“Uh...is this-the right room?”

“Wh-yes. I’m-me. John. Yes-”

That was possibly the most embarrassing thing he’d ever done, but he couldn’t think about that at the moment, because he was entirely distracted by how absolutely, absurdly…’beautiful’ didn’t cover it. He smiled at John and John knew his eyes were huge.

“Hello, it’s really good to finally meet you-”

“Y-yeah. Mateo?”

Mateo nodded, and John managed to at least step out of his room and lock the door. He was almost sure he was running entirely on instinct. He didn’t know what he’d expected Mateo to look like, but-it was like being slapped in the face by a supernova. He was beyond beautiful. Mateo was taller than John by an inch or two and massive, he wasn’t just muscular, he was thick everywhere, and he was wearing a tank top that showed off his broad shoulders and a gorgeous sleeve tattoo, and some kind of patterned wrap over shorts. He wasn’t wearing shoes and John really couldn’t believe someone could have perfect feet, but, well. Today was full of surprises already. Mateo led him to a car, an old truck that had clearly been cared for and restored. 

“Would you like eat something first? You look exhausted.”

John sighed and, surprisingly, felt himself smile.

“Uh...yeah, that sounds-nice. I barely ate on the plane and just passed out once I got here. What’s good to eat?”

“Guess that depend on how willing you are to eat real Samoan food.”

He had a teasing tone to his voice, and John blushed, grinning at him. 

“I’m plenty willing.”

Mateo laughed and oh God, even his laugh was perfect. 

“Most people from places like America aren’t really into it. As long as you not allergic to coconut, you be fine.”

“Don’t worry, no food allergies over here. You know this place, I’ll follow your lead.”

Mateo glanced at him and shyly ducked his head away, and John caught a slight dark tint to his cheeks. 

“There a really nice place a couple blocks away. Though Mama might feed you more when you come to the shop, with how skinny you are-”

That got a laugh out of John and they settled into an easy banter until they got to the restaurant. It was more of a stand than anything, with outdoor tables, and John stood next to Mateo while he ordered a few dishes. It wasn’t a long wait before they were able to sit down with a few huge plates of food, and John happily listened while Mateo explained what everything was.

“-and this like our version of curry, it one of my oldest brother’s favorite foods, and this is sapasui, if you like soy sauce you gonna like that-and this is my favorite, it’s called koko alaisa, and these are panikeke-it fried dough, can you really go wrong with that-”

“There’s a joke here about cops and donuts.”

Mateo laughed and it hit John how close they were sitting. He was suddenly too warm, and cleared his throat before pulling his long-sleeved shirt off, leaving himself in a tank top. He hadn’t really wanted to be so bare, and that feeling deepened when he saw Mateo look at the scar on his arm. His brown eyes went wide and his face dropped with worry. John stared at the top of the table. 

“Got shot. It-it wasn’t so bad, third time I’ve been shot and the first two were a lot worse-”

“You been shot three times?”

John shrugged. 

“Yeah. Kinda comes with the territory, you know?”

He was still staring at the table, until a big, warm hand reached over and covered his own. 

“You should eat. You had a long flight.”

He appreciated that Mateo dropped the subject and even more so appreciated that Mateo didn’t act like he had to thank John ‘for his service’ or something. He hated hearing that. John tucked into the food and so did Mateo, the two of them enjoying the meal and the pleasant breeze and the bright sunshine. John was happy Mateo ordered so much, because both of them cleaned their plates and cleaned them quick. John had really liked the food Mateo had picked, and he tried to subtly stare at him on the ride to the shop. He had been mostly quiet after seeing John’s scar, and John frowned.

“Hey, you know-if you wanted to ask, you can. I don’t...really mind talking about it.”

Mateo smiled at him, this gentle, soft look and John quietly exhaled. 

“I think I don’t have anything to ask. I seen a lot of violence in my life, and-you a cop, so you have too.”

John stared straight out the window, watching the scenery. 

“It’s really beautiful here. Real change from the concrete jungle I’m used to.”

“Do you live in a big city?”

“Yeah. I don’t hate it, but-this place is-”

Mateo looked at him and his hair fell around his face, and John wanted to say that this place was beautiful and had nothing on him. 

“It’s beautiful.”

“It makes me happy when people say Samoa is beautiful.”

John nodded. Mateo smiled really big and turned down a dirt road. 

“We here.”

He pulled up to a series of buildings all connected together, some of which were in...rough shape. John raised an eyebrow. 

“Uh...we had a-incident, a few weeks ago.”

“Did something explode?”

“Ha. A lot of things did. Don’t worry, your car is fine.”

“That’s great, but-is everyone here okay? Explosions are serious shit.”

Mateo parked the truck and turned to look at John. 

“Yeah. There was-some injury and some people are still in a rough way, but no one seriously hurt.”

There was a moment of silence between them that John couldn’t quantify. 

“Come on. I show you the car and you can make sure it works for you.”

John followed him into the shop, and he couldn’t help but smile at the way it was full of sounds and people and life. Some people were working on cars and some were repairing the buildings. Mateo led him to a line of cars that were all finished, and John grinned when he saw his. It wasn’t a muscle car or anything, it was a Volvo s90, and he’d ordered a lot of extra safety upgrades. If Hobbs Customs came through, then the whole car should be bulletproof. It was a gorgeous car, though, and John ran his hand across the smooth metal. 

“We rebuilt it with stronger materials. Everything is bulletproof and we made the doors thicker so the right glass could fit in.”

“Feel like I should test that.”

Mateo shrugged. 

“If it’ll help you be sure. I notice you have gun earlier.”

But he hadn’t said anything, let alone glanced at the gun. John raised an eyebrow at him. 

“You serious?”

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

“Drive it outside.”

Mateo got the keys and John followed him on foot, pulling his pistol and making sure he had a full clip, clicking the safety off once Mateo was safely away from the car. John got closer, and shot the driver’s side door, the hood, and three of the windows. 

Barely a damn scratch. John was impressed. 

“Told you it was bulletproof.”

John looked over to where Mateo was leaning back on a car, his palms flat on the hood, his head turned up to the sun. That was unfair. How was John supposed to think, let alone talk, when Mateo just looked like that?

“Wanna drive it?”

John nodded. 

“Y-yes. Yeah.”

He at least had the mind to grab the keys when Mateo tossed them his way. He got into the driver’s seat and sighed, smiling and sinking into the seat. It was so comfortable. Mateo got in the passenger seat and John waited for him to put on his seatbelt before starting the car. It was quiet, and John was happy about that. He drove a little mindlessly, just seeing how it handled, not thinking about where he was going. Mateo didn’t seem to mind; he was staring out the window with one foot on the dashboard, and it remained unusually comfortable. John didn’t like people, he didn’t like being comfortable with people, but he was when he was with Mateo or when he talked to him. John swallowed, nervous and warm and almost wishing he’d ruin the mood. 

But he didn’t really want to.

“I really-I’m really happy with the car, I-I figured you guys’d do a great job.”

“Thank you. We try to make customers happy.”

John pulled to a stop, drove in reverse for about fifty feet, and then put the car back in drive. Everything handled so well. Mateo had shifted in his seat, his body turned more towards John. 

“How long you be in Samoa?”

“Uh...about a month.”

“Must have been worried about the car, huh?”

John laughed and shook his head. 

“No, like I said-I knew you would do a good job, but-my captain said I-’need to relax’ or some shit, they basically told me to fuck off for a while-”

“Do your bosses not like you?”

John stopped the car again, putting it in park in a spot that looked over the lush green land. He glanced at Mateo, and his beautiful brown eyes looking curiously at John. 

“I...I had-an incident, at work-I-it was-”

He tilted his head back and sighed. 

“I keep gettin’ myself into the worst shit that a cop can get into. I-I’m not-I just want to do my job and protect people-”

John shook his head and sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He turned and looked at Mateo, his cheeks burning and he laughed at himself. 

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to-you’re not here to be a therapist or some shit-”

Mateo shook his head and reached out, grabbing John’s wrist and holding it far too gently for hands as big and rough as his were. 

“I don’t mind. I-”

He paused, apparently thinking about the words he wanted to use.
“-I like helping-to listen is helping, so I like to listen. You and me both seen a lot of bad things, so-I don’t mind listening about your bad things.”

John watched as Mateo visibly swallowed. 

“And...we been talking for a while...I think you’re friend, not just customer.”

John inhaled quietly and felt very close to Mateo. 

“I-I like to think of you as a friend, too, uh-do you wanna-are you busy the rest of the day? Or-are you busy tonight?”

Mateo smiled, and oh, goddamn, he had freckles, he had a lot of them across his nose and cheeks, and John felt his stomach flip with the most pleasant kind of nerves. 

“I not busy tonight. We could-we probably don’t have like your city does, but we have some bars and clubs, if you-if you like those?”

“Yeah-I’d-we could go get a drink, or-and maybe dinner?”

That beautiful bright smile appeared on Mateo’s face again and Jon really was stunned. 

“I like that, do you want-I need to clean and change clothes, but-you can hang around shop if 

you want until dinner?”

“Will your family mind?”

“No, I already told them about you, they will like you.”

Jon blushed harder at that than he had at anything else. He leaned forward a little, wanting to be more in Mateo’s space.

“You told them about me?”

Mateo laughed and it was more musical than the birds outside. 

“Of course. I want them to know about my friend.”

John couldn’t even say anything. He was caught up in smiling. 

“Wanna head back?”

“Yeah. I’ll meet you with Mama when we get back home.”

They started the drive back, with the windows rolled down and the radio on, some inane rock music playing on the way while they talked. Mateo directed him to drive away from the shop and down a different road, and John pulled up to the house-it was partly open, and the rest was very simple and some parts looked patched together, and John...really liked it. He was liking everything about this island. John followed Mateo up the steps and into the open door, and he tried his best to tamp down any anxiety he felt about really meeting Mateo’s family. He followed to a small kitchen and watched as Mateo hugged a woman in a long dress. They spoke in Samoan for a minute before Mateo grabbed John’s hand and pulled him more into the kitchen. 

“John, this is my mother, Sefina.”

John didn’t fight the hug he got from Sefina-he knew that would have been futile and possibly extremely rude-and hugged her back, blushing when she reached up and patted his cheek. 

“Hello, John-Mateo talk about you all the time!”

John glanced over at Mateo just in time to see him blush and duck his head down. 

“I-he talks about you and his brothers a lot, too. It’s nice to meet you, ma’am.”

“No, no, no, no ‘ma’am’-call me Sefina.”

John nodded and Sefina patted his cheek again. 

“Are you two to stay for dinner?”

“Actually-”

Mateo came to stand next to John, bumping his arm against John’s. 

“-we are going out to dinner later, I come home to clean up. John, you can-make yourself feel like home.”

“I will show him around, you get nice for your night out.”

John was happy to follow Sefina around the house and learn and listen to whatever she wanted to tell him; John actually liked learning about new places and things, even if he preferred to usually do it without contact with other people. Samoa was already interesting to him before he came there, and now that he was able to learn about it from someone who’d spent their whole life there...he considered the opportunity very special. Sefina sat him down at the table in the open area with some kind of coconut milk-based drink and he took in a few deep breaths. It was so nice outside here, warm and humid from the ocean, and he felt more peaceful than he had in a long time; but he wondered if that peace came from the ocean air and sunshine, or because he’d had an image of Mateo’s smile and the feeling of Mateo’s hand in his on his mind. 

“Are you enjoying Samoa?”

“Yeah, I-it’s amazing. I live in a-I live in kind of a big city, and I don’t...ever see things like the ocean or mountains, just-lots of buildings.”

“We very proud of our island. How long you staying?”

“About a month. I...had some vacation time I needed to use up.”

Sefina hummed and John turned his head at the sound of a loud, young voice. 

“May-may, I found a really cool-oh, hello.”

A young girl had run into the room. She looked like the rest of the family; long, curly hair, and she was probably some age of ‘teenager’. Maybe younger. John usually only worked with kids on occasion, so he wasn’t around them much. He blinked and so did she. 

“Hi.”

“May-may, who is this?”

“This is Mateo friend, he come to buy car and see Mateo.”

John waved. 

“John Shaw.”

“Samantha Hobbs.”

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too. You know my uncle?”

“Yeah, we-I bought a custom car from him and we became friends. You’re his niece?”

Samantha nodded.

“Me and my dad are visiting.”

“Cool.”

“May-may, can I have one of those drinks?”

“Of course, sweet girl.”

Sefina got up and went back to the kitchen, and Samantha gave John a curious look. It made him somewhat nervous. 

“Where are you from?”

“Ohio.”

“I’m sorry.”

That shocked a loud laugh out of John, and he laughed for a good full minute, and Sefina came back in, smiling at the two of them. John managed to stop and Samantha came to sit at the table with them. John wiped at his eyes and cleared his throat. 

“Th-that’s actually what most people say-I don’t know what everyone has against it. It’s not….well.”

“We’re from L.A.”

“You and your dad?”

Samantha nodded while she took a drink. 

“My dad’s girlfriend has the same last name as you.”

“Really?”

“Mhm. But she’s British.”

John froze. He narrowed his eyes at the young girl. 

“What’s her name?”

Samantha narrowed her eyes right back at him. He appreciated it. 

“Hattie.”

And then the blood drained from his face. 

“Hattie? She was-”

“Sam-there you are, I thought you were still in the sh-”

John turned and saw the truly massive man that had just walked into the room-absurdly massive. No one needed to be that muscular. John sipped at his drink and waved. 

“Hi.”
“Hi. Who are you?”

Man. He really was getting introduced to everyone.

“John Shaw. I’m Mateo’s friend.”

The man raised an eyebrow. 

“Another Shaw. Guess I’m just destined to be surrounded by that name.”

John swallowed. 

“Uh...yeah, actually-I figure you’re Samantha’s dad?”

“Luke, and yes.”

“Cool. So...she mentioned you’re dating a woman named Hattie?”

Luke shot a look at Samantha, who loudly drank through her straw. John liked the kid’s attitude. 

“Is there a reason why you’re telling strangers my relationship history?”

She shrugged. 

“He has the same last name as her. I thought it was neat.”

John cleared his throat and got Luke’s attention. 

“She’s British? Blonde hair, tall, take-no-shit kind of woman?”

Luke looked suspicious.

“Yeah…”

“And...you didn’t happen to meet a bald guy, kind of unbearable to be around, kind of-absolutely unbearable to be around?”

“Oh no.”

“Ah, goddamn it, you met Deck.”

“You’re telling me-”

“Those are my cousins. On my mom’s side.”

Luke was quiet for a long second before sitting down at the table and laughing. It was kind of an infectious sound, though not as musical and lovely as John thought Mateo’s was. Samantha’s jaw was even dropped, and Sefina just fanned herself, clearly amused by the whole thing. 

“I cannot believe-you’re Hattie and Deckard’s cousin? For real.”

“Mhm. My mom is their mom’s-well, I guess we’re kind of second cousins? But I stayed with them a bunch of times when I was a kid, cause their mom is my mom’s aunt, and she wanted to help my mom out. I’m kinda….I can’t believe you guys know them.”

“Know who?”

John’s eyes went wide at the sight of Mateo, shirtless and wearing a different wrap than what he’d worn earlier. This one was a pretty blue color with a different pattern, and he had a short-sleeve button up in his hands. His hair was down and wet and John knew his mouth was hanging open a little bit. He was still barefoot. John still had enough brainpower to think he had perfect feet. Mateo smiled at him. 

“Your friend here is Deckard and Hattie’s cousin.”

Mateo’s eyes went a little wide and he looked at John. 

“You didn’t say?”

“I had no idea you guys knew them. What-can I ask how you guys know them?”

There was a collective sigh throughout the room. Luke pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“We...Deckard and I had to work on a case together-you didn’t hear about it? Eteon, worldwide destruction, all that?”

“Uh...I…”

John swallowed and glanced at Mateo. 

“I was in the hospital for about two months, before-’fore I came here. Didn’t have a lot of-access to news.”

Mateo frowned and came to sit next to John. He sat close and covered John’s hand with his. 

“We can talk about all that later. We should go to dinner now.” 

John nodded and they both stood, and they both hugged Sefina and said goodbye to her. Mateo said bye to Luke and Samantha, and John waved at them and was thankful for Mateo rushing them a little bit. He got in the driver’s seat of the car and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm his shaking hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder, running down to his wrist. John looked over at Mateo, and he was frowning again. 

“John?”

“Sorry-we’ll go, just-I need a second-”

“Do you want me drive?”

John took a deep breath, and nodded. They wordlessly switched seats and John tried to relax as Mateo started driving. 

“Do you want talk about-about...hospital? It-make you upset?”

“I...yeah. I-that couple of weeks where I wasn’t able to text you as much-”

“Was because of hospital?”

“Yeah. I...after my last-incident, at work, I had-a-shit, I-had a breakdown, I guess.”

“Breakdown?”

“I mean I got-I was really upset and...tried to hurt myself at work.”
Mateo was quiet. 

“How did you try to hurt?”

John swallowed and rubbed his hands over his face. He hadn’t really expected to talk about this today, but he’d wanted to tell Mateo since he was let out. It just never seemed like the right time. 

“I grabbed a letter opener-I don’t know if you’ve ever seen one, but it’s kinda like a mostly dull knife used to open envelopes-and-I tried to-cut my face with it.”

“Why?”

Mateo’s deep voice was still quiet. 

“I...have really severe post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s-I’ve gotten better at handling it, but-sometimes if something-triggers it, it gets...I have episodes, I guess. I’m not-I’ve been to therapy, but-I don’t think I’m used to talking about it.”

“You can-”

John looked at Mateo, again watching him figure out what words to use. Mateo was generally quiet, even through texts, and soft-spoken and careful of how he spoke. It was something John liked about him (one of the many, many, many things John liked about him). 

“You can talk about hurt with me.”

It was quiet in the car for a few minutes until Mateo pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant. He turned his body towards John and those big, intense, beautiful brown eyes looked into his and it should have felt like too much, but John just...felt safe. 

“When-when I was young, my father-he was criminal and made me and my brothers be criminal too. Luke end up-he called police on our father and he was put in prison. We never heard from him after, and it-broke family. I-I remember a lot of bad things from that time, especially because...I was-like bait, for the jobs.”

John frowned. 

“I-I didn’t know that.”

Mateo shrugged. 

“We don’t talk about that time a lot-we were...we got hurt, and-we don’t talk about hurt either. So I understand why you don’t talk about hurt, but I want-I want to be-I want to know you because I care about you.”

Oh. John couldn’t quantify how he felt at that moment, but he knew there was a warmth and sort of bigness in his chest and stomach, nervous and happy and he nodded. 

“I really-I really care about you, too-these last couple of months getting to know you-I’ve really liked it and I like being here with you.”

Mateo smiled at that and it made John happy to know he’d put that smile on his face. 

“I like to be here with you too.”

They sat and looked at each other for a minute, enjoying the closeness and the openness. Mateo’s cheeks turned just a little dark, and John swallowed. 

“We should go eat, huh? Can’t sit here in the car all night.”

“Yeah. Come on, this has good Samoan food here.”

John followed Mateo into the restaurant-it was also mostly open, like Mateo’s house had been, and they sat down at a table where they could feel the breeze and watch the sunset, though John was mostly watching Mateo. 

“You can order anything. I’ll pay.”

“You sweet.”

John shrugged and blushed, reaching up to brush his hair out of his face. It was getting too long. 

“I don’t know about that, but-”

The waiter interrupted them and he and Mateo spoke in Samoan, John happily listening. He really was just happy to be with him. Once the waiter left, Mateo looked back and John and smiled.

“What?”

“Nothin’. Just like listening to that. Samoan. It’s a pretty language.”

“Would you like learn some?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, if-if you really want, I can teach some. We can start with how to say Samoa right-”

He said it with a laugh and John laughed too, and he leaned forward, keen and intent on Mateo. 

“How do I say it right? Like how you just did?”

“It’s Sah-moa. It almost two parts in the first part. A lot of foreign people say it ‘Suh-moa’.”

“Sa-moa?”

Mateo giggled and his eyes got crinkles around them and John just adored everything about his current situation.
“No, no-it’s Sa-a-you have to say long ‘a’, you have to-”

He giggled again and shook his head.

“I never have to tell someone this until you, everyone here says it like the right way-”

“Okay, okay-”

John was giggling, too. He was pretty sure he hadn’t laughed like that in a decade.

“-so-Sah-moa?”

Mateo’s eyes crinkled again and he reached out and grabbed John’s hands.

“Yes! Very good-you got the longer ‘a’ sound-”

“I’m probably gonna sound stupid saying most of your words.”

“No, you won’t-it won’t be stupid, you’re just learning. Everyone has to learn things first time. I felt stupid to learn English, but-I would really like if you learn Samoan. I like that you like my country and language, it-it makes me smile a lot.”

Mateo stroked his thumbs over John’s hands. 

“You make me smile a lot.”

John turned his hands up so he could actually intertwine his fingers with Mateo’s. 

“I...I am really-I needed this. After-the hospital and work, I needed-”

He was interrupted by the waiter, and they pulled their hands away from each other, but smiled and looked at each other with blushing faces as their food was set down and they began to eat. 

---

Mateo was very cute when he was tipsy. 

His cheeks turned dark and his eyes got darker and he’d let his hair down instead of up in a bun, and it was slightly curly and fluffy and he was so beautiful and John had already wanted to kiss him the whole night, and only wanted to do so more now. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t, no matter how much he wanted to, but he could think about it. He could think about how nice it felt to hold hands with Mateo, which kept happening sporadically throughout the night; John didn’t know if people in Samoa were just more affectionate like some cultures were or if Mateo was trying to tell him something, but he was erring on the side of caution.
Annoying goddamn caution. 

Mateo leaned on John’s shoulder and yawned, John easily wrapping an arm around his shoulders. It was easy to be affectionate with him, no matter why they did it. John finished his drink and set it down on the table, turning his head to look at the man resting against him. 

“You okay?”

“Mmm. Happy. Maybe little tired.”

John sighed through his nose, smiling and warm and he reached up to brush his hair out of his face again.

“C’mon. I’ll take you home.”

Mateo sat up and shook his head. 

“No, shouldn’t-we shouldn’t drive.”

“Smart. Do you wanna call someone or-”

John swallowed, aware of how it may sound. 

“-or you could-stay with me at the hotel tonight? It’s only a couple minutes away, we could walk and get the car in the morning-”

John yawned too, and Mateo smiled with sleepy eyes. 

“I go to hotel with you. More happier with you anyway.”

“Gonna make me blush with talk like that.”

John and Mateo stood, steadying each other, and leaning on each other the whole walk to the hotel. The night air cleared their heads a little, but they were both still tired and Mateo seemed especially happy to finally be in the room, pulling off his shirt without hesitation and taking off the wrap around his waist. He paused at the button and zipper on his shorts, looking up at John. 

“Sorry-should have asked first-do you-okay with me to sleep like this?”

John nodded; even if he hadn’t been entirely enamored with Mateo, he’d seen enough in his life and shared enough stakeouts and locker rooms with other cops that a little bit of bare skin didn’t bother him. 

“Go ahead. Want you to be comfortable.”

Mateo ducked his head down, his hair falling around his face, framing it and John inhaled sharply, turning away. 

“Gonna brush my teeth and all that-you wanna get in the bathroom first?”

“I wait.”

John went through his nightly routine-routines were good. They kept his mind off of the more unpleasant things that tried to take over his thoughts most of the time. He tried to keep as strict of a schedule as possible, his job made that hard at times, but he tried. He looked in the mirror and sighed, stripping down to his boxers. If Mateo felt comfortable enough to be so bare, then John could do the same. 

Mateo was sitting on the bed when John left the bathroom, and he looked up at him, his eyes a little droopy. 

“You can get in there now.”

Mateo stood and bit his lip. 

“Do you have hairbrush I could use?”

“Yeah, it’s sitting on the sink.”

John brushed his fingers through his own hair, pushing it back again and frowning. 

“Not that it does me much good.”

Mateo laughed and came up to John, reaching up and gently touching a few of John’s curls. As close as they now were, John could see the two horizontal scars under Mateo’s well-developed pectorals. 

“I like your hair. I don’t see red hair most of the time.”

“Y-yeah. Two percent of the population or something like that. Uh...but-”

John hesitated, but finally put his hand up and touched Mateo’s hair-God, it was so perfectly soft. 

“-I like yours a lot, too.”

He let his hand rest against Mateo for a moment before pulling away, and Mateo was smiling and John’s face felt hot and the beautiful man across from him laughed quietly. 

“Lay down, I be out in a minute.”

John nodded and Mateo went off to the bathroom, and John laid down once the door was closed. That had been...a lot. He wondered how much of what had happened was drink-induced and how much was something more. He wanted it to be something more. 

His eyes drifted shut, dozing off until the bathroom door opened. He blinked and watched as Mateo stretched his arms over his head-which, wow-before getting into bed next to John. He laid on his side, and John turned the lights off before laying facing Mateo, who spoke softly in the dark. 

“I really enjoy today.”

“I-I had a good time too. Happy I’m gonna be here for a few weeks.”

“I’m-I’m happy too, if-do you want….maybe spend more time together?”

John laughed, moving a little closer. 

“Yeah, of course-you’re one of the reasons I came here. I wanted to see my car, but I wanted to meet my friend more.”

Silence, apart from the sound of breathing. 

“Can you come closer?”

John nodded, and realized Mateo couldn’t hear that. 

“Y-yes, I-yeah, c’mere.”

They both moved closer to each other and arranged themselves so that Mateo was on his back and John was resting his head on Mateo’s chest. 

This definitely felt like ‘more’. 

“Good night.”

“Manuia le po.”

John fell asleep smiling against Mateo’s chest, his face buried in soft, ink-black curls.

---

“-so ‘hello’ would be ‘talofa’-”

John repeated the phrase back to Mateo, both for the sake of learning and to see that smile stay on Mateo’s face.

“You doing good, you have-how to say the words down good.”

“And-say the other one again?”

“‘O ai lou igoa’ is ‘what is your name’.”

“O ai-lou-”

“Igoa, you’re doing good.”

John grinned, picking up a piece of fried dough. 

“I have a good teacher.”

Mateo blushed and pulled his hair out of the bun it had been in, shaking it out and letting it fall around his shoulders. He brushed his fingers through it and John blatantly stared and sighed. 

“You really do-your hair is beautiful.”

Mateo giggled, pulling his hair to all rest over one shoulder. 

“You’re nice. I thought-I thought to cut it, but-I don’t know how to have short hair, it been long since-once my father was gone.”

That sobered John’s mood up a little. 

“Did he not let you grow it out?”

Mateo nodded, grabbing a piece of mango and tearing it into small chunks, but not eating it.
“He didn’t like-he said-”

He lowered his voice, and John listened. 

“-he said...if I’m boy, then I should have short hair like one.”

John physically winced at that. 

“I’m sorry. That’s-your hair length has nothing to do with that, he was just being a dick.”

Mateo huffed out a laugh and reached across the table, putting a few pieces of mango in front of John. 

“He was. I know he lied, but-he was never-support me with that.”

“What about the rest of your family?”

That made those brown eyes light up. 

“They always-my mom and brothers always support me. They don’t-they don’t even mind that I like men, even if it not-what I’m supposed to do. But they never tell me I shouldn’t be me and they help me to get-medicine and-”

Mateo gestured at his chest with a laugh. 

“-these taken off.”

John laughed a little too at the phrasing. 

“I’m happy you have such a good support system.”

“Being-trans-still not used to that word-is not so weird here. We always have people in the community who were...they born men, and raised as women, they’re important part of community-so when transgender people happen, it’s not weird to people here.”

He sighed, popping a mango chunk in his mouth. 

“Wish liking men was as normal.”

“Yeah...it’s not-”

John leaned back in his seat, inhaling the warm air. 

“-it’s a little more accepted in America, but-not entirely, and being trans is-I think it’s way worse for trans people in America than here.”

“That’s because America has-what’s...the people who came and made it America?”

“Colonizers?”

“Yes! That also why being gay in Samoa is not liked. Native people-I read about native people over there who did have third people like Samoa does, but people from Europe come over and-”

“Colonize the shit out of everything.”

Mateo laughed and John reached over to grab another piece of mango. 

“You have way with words.”

John shrugged. “

“I uh...I actually got a minor in civil rights studies from when I went to college, and-I think if I didn’t, I wouldn’t know all that.”

“That why I like you so much, you know things and want to help people with it.”

“I’m...starting to think about that.”

Mateo tilted his head.

“What you mean?”

John put his elbows on the table and rested his cheek on his hand.

“I just-after-I want to help people, and-I’ve told you about this before, we’ve talked about it a couple of times, me...maybe wanting to not be a cop anymore.”

A look of recognition flooded Mateo’s face, and he nodded.
“Ah. You have been saying for...a couple months, that you might.”

“I still don’t know if I should.”

“I told you how I think about it.”

And boy, he certainly had. John had talked about this with Mateo probably three times over the past seven months that they’d been communicating, and one of thoses times had been during his hospital stay. Mateo had been very vocal about how he’d felt; he believed if John felt like being a police officer was doing more harm than good, then he should leave. He’d been nothing but encouraging and sweet, always telling John that he was too good to not be helping people. John smiled and placed his hand over Mateo’s on the table. 

“I know. It’s-I’ve been doing it since I was out of college, I’m so damn used to it-”

“But you not happy.”

“....no, I’m not.”

John scrubbed his free hand over his face. 

“I’ll think about it more while I’m here. I can’t make that decision on the spot.”

“Well...also think about having fun while here.”

Mateo had laced their fingers together and squeezed John’s hand before pulling it away. John didn’t blame him. Public displays of affection didn’t seem encouraged here.

“I’m with you, how could I not be havin’ fun?”

He grinned and Mateo laughed and they ate, and John’s thoughts strayed to what made him happy.

---

John shook the water from his hair and laughed, deep from his stomach. He hadn’t laughed this hard in a long time. He hadn’t felt this good in a long time. 

Mateo was taking him exploring, to all the little hidden spots that you could only find if you lived there long enough, and it had taken up all of his third day there so far. He hadn’t really been away from Mateo the entire time, and while being near someone so constantly would usually annoy him, it was different here, with Mateo, and his beautiful eyes and long hair and the way he smiled that made his whole face shine and the way he made John feel better than he thought he could. 

He hoped he made Mateo feel the same way. 

“Come here-come here, I want to show you-come on-”

John followed Mateo under the small waterfall and into the cave beyond it. It was still lit by the sun coming through the curtain of water, and Mateo sighed, laying back on the solid ground. John did the same, staring up at the plants and moss growing on the cave ceiling. 

“This is amazing.”

“Happy you like it.”

They let the silence rule for a few minutes, catching their breath and relaxing; and John felt Mateo slip his hand into John’s, once again intertwining their fingers. It felt very nice, here behind the water, on the cool rock, with his hand held by this man. He wanted to believe so badly-against the voices in his head saying otherwise, screaming otherwise, telling him there was no way Mateo could be interested-that Mateo did want him as more. John wasn’t even sure how to bring it up. 

He closed his eyes and enjoyed the moment. 

“John?”

Even as quietly as he’d spoken, Mateo’s voice echoed a little in the quiet cave. John opened his eyes and turned his head to meet Mateo’s gaze. 

“Yes?

“Do you...would you come to church and dinner with my family?”

John smiled and squeezed Mateo’s hand. 

“Yeah, I’d love to. I’d-if you wanted, if-you thought it would be okay, I’d like to get to know your family more while I’m here. I liked talking to your mom and niece the other day.”

Mateo grinned and sat up, and John did too, letting Mateo hug him. 

“Thank you-I’m-that makes me happy.”

John gently brushed Mateo’s hair away from his face, stroking his thumb over Mateo’s prominent cheekbone, noticing (once again) the many freckles scattered on his skin. 

“I’m looking forward to it.”

Mateo’s lips parted just a little and he breathed out, and John could feel the puff of warm air with how close they were. He looked into those deep brown eyes and leaned forward just a bit.

“I...I don’t know how else to ask this-but-Mateo, do you wanna go out with me?”

“We been going out the past few days?”

“No, I mean...do you want to date me?”

Mateo gasped and brought his hands up to cover his face, and John gently put a hand on his back, rubbing the thick muscle. 

“Hey-I’m sorry-”

“No-”

Mateo peeked out from under his hands. 

“-don’t sorry, I-I was-I was hope you would ask, because-I like you, and-I want to be-with you-”

John grinned and laughed and wrapped his arms around Mateo, kissing the back of his hand where it covered his face.
“Really?”

Mateo nodded and finally moved his hands, wrapping them around John’s waist, the two of them holding each other in the cave, their feet still in the water. Mateo pressed his face against John’s neck and inhaled, and John rubbed one hand over Mateo’s back again. He supposed part of enjoying the moment involved making the most out of it, and he wanted to make the most out of all of his time here with Mateo. He knew the feelings had been there for at least a few months, and had figured, hell, why not just ask? The worst that could happen would be Mateo saying no. 

And that had not happened, thank God.

“You make me so happy.”

John kissed Mateo’s shoulder, closing his eyes and really feeling every point of contact between them-it was like how he’d been taught in therapy to cope with episodes, but with a more positive connotation. 

“You make me really happy, too-wouldn’t have gotten through that hospital stay without-if I hadn’t known I’d get to see you when I got out.”

Mateo pulled back a little, a small frown on his face. 

“What-what do I do if you have-hurt episode here?”

John leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Mateo’s, his eyes shut and he felt those big, gorgeous hands come up and cup his cheeks. 

“I-just be there with me, mostly. If I try to-if I try to hurt myself, take whatever I’m trying to use away, but it’s best to-remove those threats beforehand. Then just calm me down. I have-pills that I take for some of them. God-thank you for asking, I’m...I’m bad at asking for help, but I don’t want that to scare you.”

“Just want you to be okay.”

“I will be. Even if-even if I end up having one, it’ll be okay, and-I don’t know if you have anything like that, but...you can always-I’m here for you, too.”

Mateo pulled away, one hand still cupping John’s cheek. 

“I know you are. You’re good like that.”

He leaned forward and bumped his nose against John’s. 

“I want to kiss you.”

It was said softly and bluntly and John just nodded, letting Mateo press his lips to his. They were soft and warm and John pushed forward, until Mateo was leaning back on his elbows, one of John’s legs between Mateo’s and he broke the kiss, throwing his head back and panting. John took the opportunity to kiss at Mateo’s exposed jaw, his neck, nuzzling the soft hair of his beard. 

“Oh-John-”

“God-wanted to do that before I even fuckin’ got here-”

“I...I wasn’t sure before you got here but I wanted-I like you too, before you came, I wanted-I haven’t-date someone for a while, but you-made me want to.”

John kissed at Mateo’s neck again, then down to his collarbone, and Mateo gasped, spreading his legs. John was peppering kisses halfway down his chest when he felt one hand in his hair, the other coming between his mouth and the soft skin of Mateo’s stomach. 

“W-not here-”

John grinned and kissed Mateo’s hand, looking up at him, taking in the freckles on his chest and shoulders, the details of his tattoo, the details he could see of the tattoos on his legs under his shorts. John desperately wanted to kiss every line and dot of ink that was on him. 

“Okay-okay, no more foolin’ around in the cave.”

He sat up, still grinning and leaned forward. 

“Well...maybe one more kiss?”

Mateo giggled and pulled John down to kiss him again, the two of them pressed chest-to-chest, smiling, their hands tangled in each other’s hair. 

---

Things didn’t feel different than they had before now that John and Mateo had made their relationship official. They talked the same and did the same things and when they went out in public, they snuck every opportunity to hold hands. Mateo had spent two nights sleeping at home, instead of at the hotel with John, and those had been two lonely nights-made up for by long makeout sessions in the car or in whatever hidden cove that Mateo led John to that day. 

John was happy he’d brought at least two nice shirts with him. He was going to church with Mateo’s family that morning-a cool and pleasant Sunday morning, and all John could think about was how much he was looking forward to this. 

He stared at his gun where it laid on the bed. He was sure that bringing it to church wouldn’t be necessary, but he couldn’t ever drop the feeling of hyper-vigilance, thinking of every possible scenario in which he’d need it. John frowned. He and Mateo had talked about that, about how John had kept his gun on him no matter where they went, about how he’d almost had a panic attack when someone had dropped something at a restaurant they’d been in. He knew Mateo was worried about him (and had been for a long while), and he’d been encouraging John to leave his job-John still was doing weekly therapy sessions, just through skype while he was on vacation. Mateo had sat in for one, occasionally piping in with what he thought. John really loved that persistent honesty that he had. 

The hotel room door opened and it didn’t make John panic. He’d left it unlocked specifically for Mateo. He poked his head out of the bathroom and smiled. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Mateo was as beautiful as always, his long hair down-he’d started wearing it down as per John’s request (just like John had, for the most part, started going shirtless). 

“I’ll be ready in a minute, I just need to brush my teeth and hair.”

Mateo nodded and laid on the bed-carefully avoiding the gun-and pulled out his phone. John finished up and made sure he looked presentable-he wanted to make a good impression on Mateo’s family. He frowned in the mirror and came out of the bathroom, leaning against the doorframe. He crossed his arms over his chest, letting his eyes travel over Mateo’s body appreciatively for a moment; he had on a button-up shirt and the blue lava lava, which John had learned the actual name for two days ago. 

“Hey, baby-”

Mateo got a dreamy look on his face, like he did every time John called him that, now that he’d started.
“What up?”

“Have-I know your family knows we’re close, but have you told them we’re dating?”

Mateo put his phone back in his pocket and sat up. 

“Wasn’t gonna tell. Was just gonna...show?”

John laughed and came over to the bed, straddling Mateo’s thighs and sighing happily when thick arms went around his waist. 

“So you’re okay with-touching and holding hands and everything in front of them?”

Mateo nodded, leaning in and rubbing his face against John’s chest. 

“Yeah. I want-I don’t want hide it from them, want them to know-see how much important you are to me.”

John kissed the top of Mateo’s head. 

“I want them to see that you’re important to me, too.”

“People here, actions always more important than saying, so-I want them to just see it. I think-they probably already know, from what I told them about you, but-”

“It’s still important that they’re sure.”

Mateo hummed, squeezing John tight. 

“We gotta go.”

John rubbed his fingers through Mateo’s hair for a moment. 

“Okay, baby.”

He grabbed his gun-and avoided the frown on Mateo’s face-and locked up the room, following Mateo to the car. It was Mateo’s, a gorgeous black Chevy from 1968, and John adored how cool his boyfriend was. His boyfriend. He still almost couldn’t believe it. 

“So what’s church like?”

“Do you go when you at home?”

“No. I’m usually too tired on Sundays, and...you know. Crowds.”

“Will you be okay with crowd here?”

“If I start to have an episode, I’ll step out. Promise.”

“Let me know if you do, please?”

John squeezed Mateo’s hand where it was resting on the gear shift. 

“Of course.”

“It’s not different from any other church. It starts with prayer, then sermon, then another prayer, and that’s it.”

“I haven’t been to church since I was a kid, it-hope I don’t embarrass myself.”

“You won’t, everyone will like to have you there. After we go back to house and make meal and eat together.”

John stroked his thumb over Mateo’s hand. 

“Lookin’ forward to that.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, John still gently touching Mateo’s hand. 

“John?”

“Yes?”

“Do you-believe in God?”

John frowned. 

“I...don’t know. My family was Christian growing up, but it just-sometimes-a lot of cops stop really believing in God cause of what we see all the time. It’s hard to believe there’s some-loving higher power when...when you see all that. I guess I don’t discount the possibility. It’s nice to think that-good or not-there’s something up there. I just...can’t commit to saying I believe for sure.”

He swallowed and glanced at Mateo.

“Is that...okay, with you?”

“I don’t mind you not believing. Everyone think about God different. Just because you think about God different than me doesn’t mean I think less about you.”

John smiled and squeezed Mateo’s hand as they pulled up to the church. He could already see two other cars from Mateo’s family, and once the car was turned off, John pulled Mateo into a kiss. 

“If there is a God, I know he put you in my life for a reason.”

“I know for sure God have me meet you. You blessing.”

John kissed Mateo again, cupping both of his cheeks and moaning. He had to break the kiss, and Mateo smiled, leaning his head up just enough to kiss John’s nose. 

“Come on-I’ll meet you with my other brothers.”

John followed Mateo to where a few men and Sefina were standing-Luke and Samantha were there too, and Samantha waved hello to John and he waved back. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Mateo put a hand on the small of John’s back, gently pushing him closer to the family. 

“John, this is my brothers: Jonah, Timo, and Kal.”

“Hi. It’s nice to meet all of you.”

He shook their hands and they looked a little suspicious of him, which he could understand. They were probably protective over Mateo. Sefina led them into the church-it was fairly big, but still very open, and John sat at the end of the pew; Mateo didn’t try to have him sit anywhere else. He was well-aware of John’s possible need to escape. John did have to focus very intently on breathing properly, on the prayer that the priest was saying, and not on how crowded the church had become. Mateo grabbed his hand when someone loudly called out-a normal response to the priest’s own excitement, John knew that, but he still felt his heart rate jump at the sudden sound. He’d felt Mateo squeeze his hand, lacing their fingers together and quietly whispering that it would be okay. 

John spent the entire sermon trying to believe him. 

Mateo switched between tapping out random patterns on his hand and squeezing it, giving John some kind of physical stimulus to focus on. That definitely helped, and before he knew it, they were saying ‘amen’ and the priest was telling everyone to have a blessed day. John and Mateo waited for the building to empty before leaving, and John felt extremely lucky to have a boyfriend who understood his needs.

John was talking to Kal and Jonah when he heard someone call Mateo’s name. He turned and saw three people-two girls and a guy-walking towards them. Mateo was smiling and he once again put his hand on the small of John’s back. 

“Hey!”

“Fea na e iai?”

“Ma la’u ka’a.”

All three people looked shocked and their eyes went right to John. That made him nervous.

“Talofa. O lo’u-igoa o John.”

Mateo slipped his hand into John’s and squeezed it. 

“You said so good!”

John blushed, not totally pleased to be under scrutiny, but very pleased to get praise on his Samoan from his boyfriend. One of the girls held her hand out. 

“Talofa. O lo’u igoa o Rosa.”

“David.”

“Masina.”

“Fiafia ua ta feiloai.”

John remembered that that meant ‘nice to meet you’, and he smiled, pressing a little closer to Mateo. 

“Uh-John mostly speak English, if you can-”

“Oh, no, you guys don’t have to-I’ll get what I get.”

Rosa and David laughed, and Masina giggled very loudly. 

“You funny. You move here?”

“Just staying for a while. Came to see Mateo and get a car.”

“His family make the best, they make my mama’s car. Thing been around for past ten years.”

John laughed, trying to shake off his nerves. 

“Yeah, they’re-really good at their job.”

“When you two start dating?”

“When John came here.”

“Good. Mateo been talking about you forever.”

Rosa frowned as Masina spoke. 

“Might want to move away, priest is coming.”

John let go of Mateo’s hand and they moved about a foot apart-their hands hadn’t even been that visible, but John didn’t want to take any chances. The priest passed them by without saying anything, and John saw the other four people around him visibly relax and exhale. 

“I take it he’s not...super into the whole ‘two men together’ thing?”

Mateo frowned, ducking his head down. 

“He really not. He let us come to church, but…”

“Us?”

John turned to look at the other three people. 

“Are you guys-”

Masina intertwined her arm with Rosa’s.

“Me and Rosa together for four years.”

David shrugged, smiling. 

“I like boy and girl.”

That made John feel more comfortable, at least, and he got how Mateo knew these people. He smiled and once again squeezed Mateo’s hand. 

“It’s...really nice to meet you guys. Meeting queer people-just makes you feel more at home.”

David smiled and Rosa laughed, and Masina just looked like she understood. Mateo leaned down and spoke against John’s ear. 

“We gotta go now, help Mama cook and everything.”

“Okay, baby. It was nice to meet you all, I hope-maybe me and Mateo can hang out with you while I’m here?”

Masina smiled. 

“I’d like that. Come on, we let you go now.”

“Tofa!”

“Tofa.”

Mateo’s friends walked away and John turned to look at him, blushing at the way he was looking at John. 

“What?”

“Nothing. I like to see you with my friends. Makes me happy-makes me feel like you’re part of home.”

John swallowed and felt the warmth of Mateo’s hand in his. 

“I-that means a lot to me, hearing you say that.”

Mateo bit his lip, looking at John with very heated eyes. 

“Come on-we take the long way home.”

John grinned and followed Mateo to the car. They parked a ways  down the road from Mateo’s house and Mateo crawled into the passenger seat, straddling John’s legs, immediately cupping his cheeks and pulling him flush for a kiss. John let his hands roam over Mateo’s back, his ribs, pushing his shirt up and trying to touch at the warm skin. Mateo ground down against John, drawing a long groan out of him. He grabbed Mateo’s hips and pulled him down, pushing up against him at the same time, and Mateo broke the kiss, whispering and whimpering, and John gripped the back of his neck, making him look at him. 

“Fuck-Mateo, I-hate to say it but-doesn’t seem like the time-”

“Please-I need you-”

“God-what-”

“Like this-more like this-”

Mateo started grinding down again, and John swore, reaching between them and untying Mateo’s lava lava, and he drank in the whimper Mateo let out as he undid the button on his shorts, pulling the zipper down and pushing his hand into Mateo’s shorts. 

“Oh-oh!”

“T-tell me if you need me to stop, baby, I need to know-”

“No no no-no stop-”

“What-what words should I-”

“Doesn’t matter-I just want-touch me-”

John cupped Mateo’s mound and slotted his middle and ring fingers around the thick flesh of Mateo’s clit-or cock, he would probably use that; Mateo said it didn’t matter but John wanted to be affirming. He was dripping around John’s fingers, and John stroked at his small, hot cock, changing the angle of his hand to grip it between his thumb and index finger. Mateo cried out and leaned back, rocking his hips back and forth. 

“Oh-mm-oh-please-”

“Come on, baby-spread your legs more-”

Mateo spread them as much as he could in the space he had available, and he looked so gorgeous, panting and flushed, a sheen of sweat over his face and John pushed Mateo’s shirt up so he could lean in and wrap his lips around a dark, hard bud, sucking and tracing it with the tip of his tongue. Mateo was loud, reacting to everything John did so intensely, one hand braced on the dashboard and the other tangled in John’s hair. 

“That’s it, that feels good, huh?”

He grinned because Mateo couldn’t even talk. He was completely lost in it, in the feeling and urgency and need, and John could feel more wetness coming out around his fingers, and he carefully slipped his middle finger into Mateo, watching his eyes shoot open.

“Oh! G-I-fuck-”

His eyes rolled back and John could feel Mateo’s legs shaking, and he worked that finger in and out faster, adding another and making sure his palm rubbed against Mateo’s cock the whole time. It was only a few moments before Mateo screamed, tightening and pulsing around John’s fingers, slick damn near pouring out of him. He twitched in John’s lap for a minute, breathing heavily, staring at John with big, wet eyes. John pulled his hand away and set Mateo’s shorts right, even tying his lava lava back around his waist. He straightened his shirt out and took a few deep breaths himself. Mateo leaned forward and wrapped his arms around John, shaking just slightly. 

“Baby? Are you-are you okay, was that-too much?”

Mateo shook his head against John’s shoulder. 

“Really liked-haven’t been-touched in while-felt good, just-”

“It was a lot?”

“Yeah.”

John huffed out a laugh and held Mateo tight, letting his eyes close as he calmed down. He was still hard, and Mateo noticed, pressing down just a little. 

“Can I-”

“If you want to-”

Mateo carefully moved back to the driver’s seat, leaning over and opening up John’s pants, quickly pulling his cock out-John just sat back and let Mateo touch him however he wanted. He tilted his head back as Mateo wrapped his fingers around John’s cock, stroking it a few times, moving as close to John as he could, kissing at his neck and biting at his earlobe. 

“It so big-want it inside me-”

“Oh, fuck-”

“Take me to hotel tonight, want you to fuck me-”

John panted, Mateo moved his hand faster up and down on John’s cock, and it really wasn’t too long before his hips jerked up, his cock twitching and pulsing as he shot onto his chest. He caught his breath and grabbed Mateo’s wrist, and he heard Mateo’s quiet laugh.

“You look amazing.”

John laughed, opening his eyes and looking down at himself. 

“I look like I just jerked off in a car.”

Mateo giggled and helped unbutton John’s shirt, and he pulled it off and tossed it to the floorboard. He’d thankfully worn an undershirt, and Mateo kissed at his cheek. 

“Family won’t mind us being late.”

“If they ask, just-tell them I needed a minute to myself.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I-I don’t mind. They know about my….head...stuff, right?”

Mateo settled back into the driver’s seat and started them back on their way to the house. 

“I told them little of it yesterday. Wanted them to know before church. But I didn’t tell them all of it.”

“Thank you.”

Mateo looked over at him and smiled. 

“Want them to understand you, too.”

It was a short drive to the house, and they immediately were pulled into helping with dinner; Mateo helped carry things in and out of the house, while John was taught how to wrap things in various leaves and how to cook them on a fire. It was him and Sefina and Timo doing the cooking, while Samantha and Luke helped prepare things. It felt...really nice. Apparently the whole rest of Mateo’s family-mostly cousins-were doing the same thing at their own homes nearby, and John really liked the idea of a community that had traditions and rituals like that. He hadn’t really come from any kind of tight-knit community, even though his own family-as much of them were left, at least-did try to stay in contact, tried to see each other. 

But it was nothing like this. 

Mateo came and sat next to him after a while, leaning his head on John’s shoulder while he stoked the fire. 

“Hey.”

“Mm.”

“How you feeling, baby?”

Mateo sighed and snuggled up closer. 

“Good. Want to be alone with you.”

“Just a little bit longer, we gotta eat first.”

John wrapped an arm around Mateo’s waist, kissing his hair, inhaling against it. It was yet another moment where he was overwhelmed by how much he adored the man next to him. 

“You’re so-fuckin’ amazing, did you know that? Never in a million years did I think I’d meet someone like you.”

“John…”

Mateo leaned up and easily pressed his lips to John’s, the two of them softly and slowly kissing, smiling more than they were kissing. John only stopped when he heard someone clear their throat. He broke apart from Mateo and looked up to see Jonah standing a few feet away from them. 

“Everything is done. We gotta bring it in.”

John stood and held his hand out to Mateo, who took it, and he helped him up, joining both of their hands together and pulling him close. 

“I can’t wait to get you alone, though.”

Jonah cleared his throat again and they focused on the task, bringing in big woven plates of food-Mateo explained that his family had had them for years and used them whenever they cooked. Apparently there was some symbolism to the woven mats, but Mateo was interrupted in telling John about that by Jonah asking to see John for a minute. 

He followed the oldest brother to a quiet spot in the front yard. Jonah crossed his arms over his chest and John tried to appear open and not-hostile. 

“What’s up?”

“You treat my brother well or you don’t leave island.”

Ah. The shovel talk. John was wondering where and when it would happen.

“Of course. I can’t imagine any of you letting me get away with hurting him. Don’t have any intention of doing so, but if I do for whatever reason, I’ll take what I deserve for it.”

It didn’t look like Jonah had been anticipating John being so accepting of the threat of violence, but John just kept his posture open, trying to stay calm. 

“Good. He been through too much to have someone he love hurt him.”

The word ‘love’ being tossed out there made John inhale a little sharply. He nodded, though; he knew that Mateo only deserved love and care after the life he’d led. 

“I’ll-I want to make him happy. That’s all.”

Jonah hummed. 

“Come on.”

John followed Jonah to the table, and he sat next to Mateo, who leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. That helped melt away any stress he’d felt, and he brought Mateo’s hand up to his mouth, kissing at his fingers. 

Jonah prayed over the meal before they ate, and it was good. The food, the conversation, the little bit of teasing about John’s pronunciation of Samoan, the way Mateo kept pressing against him and smiling at him. John felt very at home, even though home was never quite like this. They both declined any alcoholic drinks, wanting to be entirely in their right minds for the rest of the night. 

Of course, after all the food, John was pretty sure all they’d be doing at the hotel was sleeping. 

They did stick around for a few hours, after dinner; Mateo wanted John to spend time with his brothers and mom, and John wanted to do that, too. He wanted to keep feeling like he was a part of this family. The more he considered things, the more he was happy that he went ahead and asked Mateo out so early into his trip; he felt like it gave him more time to do what was important. John and Mateo hugged everyone-John even hugged Mateo’s brothers and Samantha, and that made him feel happy and warm and quiet-before walking to the car, quiet and sated and happy. Mateo drove and John closed his eyes on the way to the hotel. 

“Did you-have good time?”

“Hm? Oh-”

John blinked, turning his head to smile at his boyfriend. 

“Yeah. I had a lot of fun. I really like your family, baby, and-church was...a little stressful, but you helped me through it.”

Mateo’s lips turned up. 

“I like to help you.”

“I know. I-you have no idea how much it means to me, every time.”

John thought about Jonah saying earlier that Mateo loved him. John didn’t really doubt that; he believed it was normal to love a romantic partner as a friend before you loved them as a partner. He loved Mateo as a friend already, but he wondered if he loved him in a romantic sense so soon. John had only been in two serious relationships before this, and he did consider it serious already, and he tried to compare how he’d felt falling in love those two times with how he felt now. 

It wasn’t that different. 

Maybe he was already in love. That couldn’t be a bad thing, even if he worried about pushing too fast-he knew sometimes PTSD could make you be impulsive, especially in personal relationships. But he wasn’t going to go blurting out any declarations anytime soon. He was happy that he and Mateo got together as quickly as they did, but he truly didn’t want to rush Mateo or make him feel pressured. 

And then he looked at the way Mateo smiled and the way he laughed and the way he talked to John when John was scared or worried, and he knew they’d be alright. 

Mateo pulled up next to John’s car in the parking lot and he turned the car off, turning his body towards John. 

“I...I said earlier I haven’t date in a long time, and-I was-never been with someone like you. I really-um-I don’t know how to say-”

“That’s okay, baby-”

“No, I-I want to say. Cause you been important to me, and you even more now-”

Mateo sighed, leaning his head back on the headrest. 

“I hate to not know words.”

John laughed and reached over, gently grabbing Mateo’s thigh and massaging it. 

“Oh, sweetheart-”

Mateo laughed and sighed, covering John’s hand with his. 

“Want to do more like earlier?”

John grinned, moving his hand a little further between Mateo’s thighs. 

“If you’re sure, baby.”

Mateo breathed out and spread his legs. 

“Please-only had myself for two years, I want-”

“Come on-”

They rushed into the room, John making sure to lock the door behind him and making absolute sure his gun had the safety on and was put away properly before making a little yelp as Mateo pushed him onto the bed. He laughed and Mateo crawled on top of him, straddling him and stripping his shirt off, then his lava lava, reaching back to push his sandals off. He certainly wasn’t wasting time, and John reciprocated, pulling off his tank top. Mateo moved back enough to get John’s pants off, the two of them finishing getting undressed as quickly as they could. 

Seeing Mateo entirely bare for the first time felt overwhelming and surprisingly calm all at once. It felt right, and he was as beautiful as John already knew he was. Mateo stood in front of the bed, his chest raising with each quick breath, and he let John look at him; thick muscle on his arms and legs and chest, those two thin scars under his pectorals, a few other scars dotting his body here and there. The long sleeve on his tattoo and then the ones that went from his hips to his mid-thighs-Mateo had told him he had been in the middle of getting the pe’a done when everything with John’s cousins happened. John reached out and grabbed his hands, pulling Mateo closer, to stand between John’s legs. He ran his hands up and down the backs of Mateo’s thighs, leaning in and kissing at his stomach. Mateo put his hands on John’s head, threading his fingers through his hair and humming. 

“Feels good.”

John spoke between kisses. 

“Good. Wanna make you feel good.”

“Do you have condoms?”

John pressed one more kiss to the softest part of Mateo’s stomach and stood, going to one of his bags. He’d only brought them to make it easier to clean up if he touched himself or on the very rare possibility that he’d need them with Mateo-he was ridiculously happy that they were coming in handy for the latter reason. He grabbed one and went back to the bed, laying down first, and Mateo laying next to him, leaning up on one elbow, trailing his fingers up and down John’s chest. John just enjoyed the quiet moment, and the way Mateo’s hair was falling around his shoulders, the way their bodies felt against each other.

“Do you-what do you like?”

Mateo tilted his head, smiling softly. 

“Just normal sex, I think.”

“I mean-do you like topping, bottoming-”

Mateo shifted until he was laying partially on top of John, with his chin resting on John’s chest, looking up at him. 

“I not use to those words, is that-for who does what?”

“Yeah, it’s-basically ‘bottom’ is getting fucked, ‘top’ is doing the fucking.”

“Oh. Then-I only bottom before. I can’t really-I can’t really to do the other.”

“I mean...if you wanted to try-we could make that happen.”

Mateo blinked, a little frown on his very cute face. 

“How? I don’t have parts for it.”

John frowned. 

“Babe, do you know what a strap-on is?”

Mateo’s eyes widened. 

“Oh! Like what-I know Rosa and Masina to have one of those, but-I didn’t really think ever to use something like that-do...do men like me do that?”

“What, top? As far as I know. I’ve seen trans guys top in porn before, I’ve heard some talk about it.”

Mateo looked like he was very seriously considering the option. John huffed out a laugh and leaned down, kissing Mateo’s nose and cheeks. 

“Wanna figure that out later?”

Mateo grinned and pressed his lips to John’s, moaning against him, moving up and straddling one of John’s thighs. He could feel a little dampness on his skin, the thick nub of Mateo’s cock pressing on him, and he moved his hands to Mateo’s hips. 

“Yeah-more important thing to do now.”

John gently flipped them so that he could lay on top of Mateo, between his spread legs, and he started to kiss him more intently, one hand coming up to tangle in that soft, beautiful black hair. Mateo’s arms went around John’s shoulders and he whimpered, the kiss becoming more and more intense. John slipped his tongue into Mateo’s mouth, thrusting his cock against Mateo’s mound, shifting until their cocks could rub together. Mateo let out a yell and broke the kiss, one of his hands going down to John’s chest, and he gasped when he felt that rough palm running over his nipple. 

“John-p-please-”

“God-fuck-hold on just a second baby-”

He pulled away to grab the condom, quickly tearing the wrapper open and pulling it over his cock, stroking himself a few times. Mateo watched and licked his lips, moving one hand between his legs and gripping his cock between his fingers and thumb, stroking it until it was fully hard; John wanted to make sure he did everything to make Mateo feel good and loved right. John licked his own lips-he could taste Mateo on them and he wanted more of that.

“Can I use my mouth on you?”

Mateo’s whole face flushed red and he nodded. 

“Yes-only one person done that before-”

Mateo sat up and gripped John’s chin, licking at his mouth with that wonderful, terribly long tongue, and he looked right into John’s eyes. 

“I want you to suck me off.”

“Oh-fuck, God-yes-”

John scrambled to get down between Mateo’s legs, gently nuzzling his cock, licking at the hard flesh; it was only an inch and a half long, give or take, and swollen and red and covered in Mateo’s own slick. John breathed on it, before sticking his tongue out and just barely- just barely-brushing his tongue on the tip. He looked up at Mateo for a moment before actually licking at it, the broad flat of his tongue swiping over the tip and the underside. John did that a few times, letting his tongue brush against Mateo’s folds and tasting his slick before wrapping his lips fully around his cock, gently sucking on it, moving his mouth up and down. Mateo’s hips jerked and he cried out, his back arched up and his fingers tangled in John’s hair. 

“Oh! Oh-oh-mmm-J-John-I-”

Just from the little they’d done, John could already tell that he loved how lost Mateo got in the feelings and sensations of sex. He responded so beautifully, so openly, and John wanted to drag every possible reaction out of him. He sucked a little harder, flicking his tongue against the small tip, and he felt Mateo push on his head, pushing him closer. 

“Mm-n-p-put-something in-”

John grinned around Mateo’s cock and reached one hand up between his legs, slipping two fingers into him with ease. He crooked them up and kept sucking, thrusting his fingers back and forth, and Mateo put his thigh over John’s shoulder, rocking his hips up, both of them working together until Mateo cried out, his hole tightening around John’s fingers and that beautiful little cock twitching in his mouth. John pulled away and kissed at the still-twitching flesh, then moving down to kiss at his hole, licking up the slick. He nuzzled the soft skin of his vulva and the soft, dark hair on his mound, kissing his way up to Mateo’s stomach and chest, his neck and jaw. Mateo was just catching his breath, smiling and happy and John very much liked that look. 

John bumped his nose against Mateo’s cheek, unable to stop grinning. 

“How’s that stack up to the other guy?”

Mateo shook his head, blinking a few times. 

“No-no, no-nothing-not even same thing-you-”

He took a big breath out.

“-you something else entirely.”

John laughed-he laughed so much with Mateo. It made him feel like he hadn’t laughed in a long time, not truly and genuinely like he’d been doing the past few days. He reached down and wrapped his fingers around his cock, pumping a few times-he hadn’t flagged at all, still as rock-hard as he’d been since making out with Mateo earlier. Mateo noticed where John’s hand had moved and he smiled, shifting to lay on his side. 

“Still want that.”

“Mm? That so?”

“Yes, I still want-need it in me, been too long since someone makes me feel good-”

John hummed and pressed his lips briefly to Mateo’s, before pushing him onto his back. He got on his knees between Mateo’s legs, running his hands up and down over those thick, tattooed thighs. 

“You’re absolutely sure?”

“Promise.”

“You’ll-you’ll tell me to stop if you need me to?”

“Yes-I know you won’t hurt me. But if I need-I’ll say you to stop.”

John leaned down to kiss him again, resting his forehead against Mateo’s for a moment. He just...wanted to enjoy these quiet little minutes with him. John always felt like things were too loud and too fast and too crowded, but he was trying as hard as he could to not get that feeling with Mateo. There was only so much he could do, but he could do that. He grabbed his cock around the base, making sure the condom was still on, and he guided himself to Mateo’s hole, sliding his head along the dripping slit a few times. He nudged his cockhead up under Mateo’s still-hard cock, and finally, finally pressed it against the slick, just-stretched hole, thrusting forward slow and steady and savoring the feeling. Mateo was so perfectly, beautifully tight, pulsing around John’s cock as he bottomed out. He rolled his hips once and twice and a few more times, letting Mateo adjust to having John inside him. Mateo was just holding onto John, his arms loosely around John’s shoulders and his fingers stroking through John’s hair. He gasped and wrapped one leg around John’s waist. 

“Nn-I-it feels-is so big-”

John leaned down, bracing himself on his elbows and letting the whole front of his body press against Mateo’s, and he worked his hips back and forth in a pace so slow that it was almost certainly on the bridge of hurting both of them. He felt Mateo’s hands traveling over his waist and hips and back, and he moved his hips a little faster, a little more deliberately. It was so easy to do this with Mateo. He almost felt all his worries melt away, and he gasped, feeling a shock of heat through his body. Everything felt like a slowly-building static charge, every time Mateo’s fingers trailed over his skin or his hole tightened up, and it was already a lot for John. He grabbed Mateo’s thigh where it was up against his hip, holding him and shifting position for better leverage. 

He started to really pump his hips, looking into Mateo’s half-open eyes. 

“God-you’re so-so fuckin’ good-so goddamn tight on me-”

“Feels-oh-I want it more-please-want this every day-”

“Y-yeah? You-fuck-want me to fuck you like this every day? Fucking-love this dick that much already?”

Mateo nodded and squeezed his eyes shut, his lips trembling; he was so gorgeous and cute and John made one especially sharp thrust, growling as he did, fucking into Mateo with thrusts like that, driving into the deepest part of him. Mateo whimpered and pulled John closer, letting John bury his face against the crook of his neck and shoulder, inhaling against a faceful of black curls. 

“I-fa’amolemole-oute-oute m-mana’omia-oe-oh-oh-”

His voice was deeper and throatier and practically singing for John, and John loved it. He braced his knees up on the bed, behind Mateo’s thighs, and thrusted harder, his cock sliding easily in and out of Mateo. He was so slick that there was no resistance, just heat and wetness and that overwhelming electric feeling all through his body. He could feel his abdomen tightening, his body more and more urgent. Mateo was still speaking, saying things that John understood little bits and pieces of, and he lifted his head enough to talk right against Mateo’s ear. 

“Best-fuck-best feeling I’ve-ever had on my dick, baby-fuck-you gonna come a-again? Want-fuck, fuck-oh-want me to make-make you come again?”

“Ioe! Ioe-fa’amolemole-”

John grinned and panted, sucking on a few of his fingers before reaching that hand between them, sneaking it down between Mateo’s legs, gripping Mateo’s little cock and pumping it, thrusting his hips at an upward angle at the same time. He himself was so close, but he was determined to drag another orgasm out of his sweet, needy boyfriend. John growled low and deep and pushed harder, faster, rubbing his thumb in circles around the tip of Mateo’s cock while he fucked him, and gasped, biting at Mateo’s ear when Mateo finally screamed, wetness pouring out around John’s cock and Mateo’s whole body twitching. John wrapped his arms around Mateo’s waist and started fucking him without rhythym or pace, without anything but the need to come. He hid his face against that beautiful hair and cried out, his hips jerking a few times before stilling as he came, only realizing there were actual tears at his eyes once he’d calmed down. He took a few deep breaths and carefully pulled out, pressing against Mateo’s side, shaking slightly. 

“John? Are-are you okay?”

He wrapped his arms around John and held him tight, kissing all over his head.

“John, please-please talk?”

John breathed deeply for a minute more, and nodded. 

“I’m-fine, I-just got-overwhelmed, I think-I really-with what-”

He moved up a little, so he and Mateo could face each other. 

“-with what goes on-in my head, with my head-sometimes if-it’s hard for me to be happy. And I want to be happy with you, so-I’m-fighting myself, kind of.”

“Oh, John-la’u ma’asoama-I-I’m sorry that happen to you. What can I do?”

“Nothing, that I can think of. I-I really do want to be more-I want to get to a point where that’s not happening as much, and-I do know I’ve felt better here than I’ve felt in a long time.”

Mateo stroked one big hand over John’s hair, pushing it away from his head so he could see him. He cupped John’s cheek, running his thumb over John’s cheekbone. 

“Would...I didn’t want ask too early-but-would staying here...make you happier?”

“You mean-staying in Samoa?”

“Yes.”

John laid against Mateo, his head resting on Mateo’s tattooed shoulder. 

“Maybe. I can’t-I can’t say that I’d do it, not right now-as much as I want you next to me every day-but...I don’t know.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, relaxing and calming down. Mateo kept petting John, touching his face gently and humming a song. 

“I’m gonna quit, when I go back.”

Mateo inhaled sharply.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I can’t-I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know why I-I don’t even feel like I remember why I became a cop, but it did things to me that I never-it’s hurt me more than it’s helped me, or anyone else. I need-I need to do something else.”

“I-”

John hid his face in Mateo’s hair. 

“I am proud of you. I know-you wanted to stay and make different, but it’s making you hurt. It been making you hurt since we first talk. I think it best for you-even if...it’s hard to make decision. I proud of you for doing that.”

“....thank you. Think-I needed to hear that from you.”

Mateo tilted John’s head up so he could look at him. 

“If you need to hear me to say those things to you, tell me. I want you to feel good.”

John blushed, leaning up and pecking Mateo on the lips.

“I’m really happy I met you.”

“I’m happy I meet you, too.”

John laughed and kissed him again, sighing and sitting up. He pulled the condom off and tied it, tossing it in the little trash can. He scrubbed his hands over his face and back through his hair. He looked down at Mateo, reaching one hand over to rub Mateo’s stomach. 

“You wanna come clean up with me?”

Mateo grinned and stood, pulling John into the bathroom behind him.