Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

And we climbed onto the roof of the museum

And someone made love in the grass

And I forgot my name

And the way back to my mother’s house

-Florence + The Machine, South London Forever

Dorian Havilliard had never been happier to be with his friends. He was currently standing in Aedion Ashryver’s kitchen, drinking a beer and chatting with Chaol. The final third of their trio was busy sucking face with Rowan Whitethorn.

A lot has changed while I was away, he thought.

While his friends had been here - going to parties, hooking up with people, making memories - Dorian had been stuck at his family’s summer house, 700 miles away.

He knew he shouldn’t complain, it was a nice house - with a pool and everything - but if he had to take another day of his mother being wine drunk by 3pm, his little brother’s tantrums or his father’s extremely racist, sexist and homophobic comments he would go crazy.

Of course, not everything about his summer had been bad, but he didn’t want to think about that now.

Instead, Dorian leaned back and took another sip of his beer, enjoying the fact that he was back. «I am not drunk enough to watch this,» he said to Chaol, nodding towards Aelin and Rowan, the former now licking - actually licking - the latter’s neck.

«I know, gross right?» Chaol said, mimicking himself throwing up and earning a chuckle from Dorian in the process.

«When did this even happen?» he asked. Last time Dorian had checked, Aelin hated Rowan. Thinking back on how she always complained about the star quarterback being an annoying pain in her ass with his alpha-male bullshit, Dorian couldn’t quite fathom the sight before him.

Chaol looked towards them again with a disgusted look on his face. «No idea, I think they hooked up over the summer,» he replied, turning towards Dorian. «How about you? Met any cute girls?» Chaol wiggled his eyebrows for emphasis.

«Ehm..no,» Dorian replied quickly, finishing his drink.

Liar, he said to himself. He had hooked up with someone. Had even been in a relationship, brief as it was. That relationship had been the only good thing about his summer, the only thing making it bearable. Yet he couldn’t get himself to tell his friends about it. He couldn’t get himself to utter the words:

You know what? I did hook up with someone over the summer. His name was Vaughan and he looked like a god. Oh, I’m bisexual by the way.

Dorian had known for a few years now, but he still hadn’t come out to his friends. It shouldn’t have been this hard - he was living in 2019 after all - and they had been a trio for as long as he could remember. Dorian knew they would support him no matter what, but he couldn’t get himself to say it.

His spiraling train of thought was thankfully interrupted when Aelin finally came strolling into the kitchen.

«What’s up, losers,» Aelin announced, hopping onto the counter. She tried giving them her usual smirk, but all snark and bravado was replaced by blushing cheeks and a huge grin.

Chaol handed her a drink, before saying: «Who are you and what have you done to our Aelin? I can literally see hearts in your eyes.»

Dorian expected some sassy comeback, but she just giggled, looking towards the backyard where her boyfriend stood, talking to his friends.

Oh yes, things had definitely changed over the summer.

«I’m in love,» she declared, flinging her arms out and nearly hitting Dorian in the chest. «You should try it sometime,» Aelin continued, winking at Chaol.

There is the Aelin we know and love, Dorian thought.

She turned her gaze from Chaol to Dorian, giving him a once over.

«You,» she said - pointing at Dorian - «got hot over the summer.»

He felt a blush spread over his face at her words. He guessed he had changed a little over the summer. He had grown a few inches, let his hair get a little longer - the raven black curls almost falling to his eyes now - and put on a couple pounds of muscle. His mind wandered back to Vaughan and how he had shown exactly how hot he thought Dorian was.

He tried to change the subject over to something else, and said the first thing that came to mind: «I can’t believe we’ll all be seniors from tomorrow on.»

Both of his friends looked at him then. «I know!» Aelin said. «But I’ve got a feeling this year is going to be great.»

She threw her arms around their shoulders, before exclaiming: «I’ve got my boys with me after all. What could go wrong?»

And as his best friend grinned at him - the feeling of summer and freedom still lingering, music playing long into the night - Dorian couldn’t help but grin back, letting all worries and secrets fade away.

For now, at least.

-

Manon Blackbeak was sitting in her room, reading Animal Farm. The semester didn’t start until tomorrow, but the curriculum was always published a few days ahead, and her grades wouldn’t suffer from coming to class prepared. Her grandmother would only accept the best, after all.

She put away the book as she heard something rustle inside her closet. Seconds later Abraxos emerged, his head stuck inside a t-shirt. Manon sighed at the sight of the little black cat, but stepped over to help him.

Once she had freed him, she was awarded with a loud purr, his head pushing against her thigh. Manon rolled her eyes at his antics. «You stupid worm,» she mumbled, but gave in and stroked him behind his ears.

«It’s getting late,» she said to her companion. «We should head to bed, so we’re well rested for tomorrow.»

As if he understood what she was saying, Abraxos hopped onto her bed and laid down on his usual spot, right next to her pillow.

Manon turned off the lights before laying down next to him.

I will be a senior from tomorrow on, she thought.

Her summer had been rather uneventful, as usual. They never went anywhere, never did anything. Manon’s grandmother was always very busy, so she only had her cousin Asterin for company - whenever she was home, that was.

Manon spent her summers waiting for school to begin again, getting the time to pass by reading herself up on various subjects, always working to maintain her perfect GPA.

Only the best will do. Her grandmother’s words echoed in her mind. You don’t want to end up like your mother, do you?

Manon had never met her mother - since she had died right after Manon was born - but her grandmother liked to remind her of how big of a failure the woman was, having dropped out of college after being knocked up by Manon’s father.

She had never met her father either. Apparently the man was a drunken nobody, wanting nothing to do with his daughter.

Her parents wasn’t something she thought about often, but once again she heard her grandmother’s words. You will do better. Be better. Understand?

Manon’s summer hadn’t only consisted of tedious schoolwork, she had also spent countless hours at the dance studio, practicing new moves.

Dancing was her one great passion. She loved closing her eyes and getting lost in the music, her body moving to the rhythm on its own accord. On the good days, dancing felt like flying.

That was the other reason to why she was looking forward to school starting again. She hadn’t danced with her team in months. They called themselves the Thirteen, and she was their captain. As soon the semester started they could get back to practicing, working towards their goal of beating Iskra Yellowlegs and her team’s ass.

As she closed her eyes, ready to drift off to sleep, her mind wandered to Asterin. Manon hadn’t seen her cousin all evening, so she came to the conclusion that she had most likely snuck out to go to some end-of-summer party. It wouldn’t be the first time.

As if on cue, someone knocked quietly on her window.

«Speaking of the devil,» Manon said to no one in particular as she got out of bed, walked over to the window and opened it, only to find Asterin standing outside.

The girl looked wild, wearing her usual leather jacket, wavy, blonde hair hanging loose, make-up smudged around her eyes.

«Move your ass and let me in,» was her cousin’s only greeting as she stealthily climbed inside, barely making any noise.

Manon chose to ignore her and crawled back into bed. Asterin followed, shoving Abraxos out of the way and laying down next to Manon.

The cat gave Asterin an offended look before running inside the closet again.

«How drunk are you?» Manon asked her cousin, trying to ignore the stench of alcohol.

This was going to be a long night, she thought.

Asterin turned to lay on her back. «Not too drunk, I can walk in a straight line,» she said, turning her face towards Manon’s and wiggling her eyebrows.

Manon wasn’t too sure about that, noticing the slur in her voice. All of a sudden, Asterin started to giggle.

«What’s so funny?» Manon asked, not bothering to hide the annoyance in her voice.

Asterin didn’t seem to care that her cousin would much rather sleep as she answered: «I’m just happy about life I guess. I have a boyfriend now.» She giggled some more, drawing out the syllables in boyfriend.

Asterin kept going, «His name is Hunter, and he’s perfect.»

So that’s why she’s been out so much lately, Manon mused to herself.

She went quiet after that, probably asleep already. Manon turned to lay on her side, -facing away from her drunk cousin - when Asterin spoke again. Her voice was quiet and surprisingly sober this time. «You didn’t tell her, right? That I was out, I mean. You know how angry she can get.»

Yes, Manon knew first hand how angry their grandmother could get, the small, white mark she bore on her left cheek proof of that.

Chapter Text

‘Cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine

But maybe not tonight

-Florence + The Machine, Delilah

Manon stared into her history book as the desks around her slowly filled up with students.

People were talking about their summers. Parties and hook-ups and vacations and memories made with friends.

She couldn’t have cared less.

The classroom buzzed with excitement over a new semester, a new year. She couldn’t have cared less about that either.

Manon only wanted one thing: To stay focused on her grades, get into a good college and get out of this hellhole. Only the best will do. You don’t want to end up like your mother, do you?

Shaking off her grandmother’s words, she looked up just in time to see Elide Lochan enter the classroom. The girl was wearing a light blue dress, wavy, dark brown hair cascading down her back, and she was headed straight towards Manon. Fuck.

She had managed three years of high school without having to share a class with Elide, but apparently her luck had run out.

Lochan was a walking ray of sunshine. Always smiling, always talking, always caring. She had been Manon’s best friend once, but that was a whole other story.

«Is this seat taken?» Elide asked, still smiling. Manon looked around to see that all the other desks had already been filled up with students.

«I guess it isn’t,» she answered drily before diving back into her book, trying her very best to ignore the girl sitting down next to her.

Elide put down her backpack, taking out her books and placing them in front of her. «How was your summer?»

That girl will only slow you down, stopping you from reaching your goals.

Manon shrugged, not taking her eyes away from the textbook.

She will find new friends as soon as you start high school anyway.

Elide - clearly not taking the hint - spoke again: «I really miss you, Manon.» Her voice seemed hurt, but Manon was certain she could hear a sliver of hope as well.

«No, you don’t.» She still couldn’t look up, couldn’t see the crushing disappointment surely written all over Elide’s face now.

You need to stay focused. You need to study, and not spend your time giggling over make-up and boys.

The next time Elide spoke, Manon lifted her gaze in surprise, for her voice was not shaking, it was hard, almost cold, as she said: «You think you can push me away, but I don’t believe any of this stone cold act you’re putting on. I see you, Manon.»

«No, you don’t,» Manon replied quickly, voice emotionless.

Elide didn’t cower under her stare, didn’t look away. She looked angry, and just as she was about to speak again, the teacher walked in.

Manon turned to face the board, their teacher clapping his hands together before saying:

«Welcome back! Before we get started on today’s lesson, I just want to let you know that the places you have now will be your places for the rest of the semester.»

Fuck.

-

Dorian was walking down the hallway with Aelin, who was furiously ranting about some book she had just finished.

«-and then she went to find this creature so it could tell her how she could heal him, and it reveals that they’re fucking mates! It was insane! So she did the only sensible thing, she stormed off, leaving him, but a few days later he finds her and he tells her everything and she accepts the bond - and believe me, I was sobbing when I read that part - and then they have sex for like 20 pages or something, it was wild - there are other scenes like that too and I didn’t know so I was reading the first one in front of my mom, and she just goes: you okay there Aelin? You look a little warm. I shit you not, she actually said that as I was reading this super steamy scene - anyway, you think everything will be fine but on the last pages EVERYTHING goes to hell and then it just ends!»

Dorian failed to hide his grin as Aelin gestured wildly. She looked mad. «You done yet?»

Aelin gave him a sheepish smile as she said: «Yes, I’m done. I can’t wait for you to read this so we can discuss it together.»

«I’m gonna start it as soon as I have finished my current read, did I tell you about that?»

But Aelin wasn’t listening anymore, Dorian noticed. She had stopped, her smile gone as she was staring at something ahead of them.

Dorian followed Aelin’s gaze until his eyes landed on Manon Blackbeak, standing by her locker, listening to her cousin with a bored expression. She was one of the seniors - just like them - but Dorian had never actually spoken to her. They had never shared any classes, and she wasn’t someone you could just walk over to and start a conversation with.

No, Manon Blackbeak was untouchable.

As Dorian looked at her, he had to admit she was rather pretty. She had long, silky, white hair, full lips wearing a bright red lipstick and her light brown eyes looked like molten gold.

Stop staring, you creep, he scolded himself, shifting his attention to Aelin.

«You okay?» Dorian asked his friend.

Aelin finally seemed to come out of her trance. «Yeah, she just gives me the creeps,» she said, nodding her head towards Manon. «I had PE with her last year, and I swear to god, she has the emotional range of a teaspoon.»

He looked over at her, smirking. «Did you just quote Harry Potter? Nerd.»

She lightly punched his arm. «We both know I could recite the whole series from memory,» she replied, rolling her eyes at him. «Besides, you took that reference. Nerd,» Aelin mocked back, mimicking his voice and sticking her tongue out at him.

Dorian laughed before realizing they now stood outside the science classroom. «Shit! This is my stop. See you at lunch?»

Aelin gave him two thumbs up and a grin before disappearing into the crowd.

As he stepped into the classroom, his mind wandered back to silky, white hair and a pair of golden eyes. Aelin might believe her to be incapable of feeling, but the depth of those eyes told a different story. A story Dorian wanted to hear.

-

«-five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three -.» The music came to a halt, Manon turning around to face the rest of her team.

«Why did we stop?» Vesta asked, panting slightly, always the first to speak.

Manon didn’t have the patience for this. Today had been stressful enough as it was. After having to spend an entire history lesson with Elide Lochan, her day had progressively gotten worse. It was only the first day of school, and she had already been assigned with two tests and a two-thousand word essay.

«You’re falling behind again, Sorrel,» Manon answered, annoyance clear in her voice.

The routine wasn’t that hard. As long as you focused on the music, it was easy to coordinate the moves.

She could see Asterin rolling her eyes as her cousin bit back: «It’s the first practice after summer vacation! We should start with something easier to get back into the rhythm.»

«You should be in ‘the rhythm’ already. Actually, you should have spent your summer getting better. All the progress we had before vacation is gone now. If we wanna beat Iskra and her team we need to step up.»

You need to be the very best. Always. I won’t accept any less.

Manon could see that Asterin was about to protest, but she beat her to it. «And need I remind you, Asterin, who’s captain of this team?»

She turned the music back on, her grandmother’s words still repeating in her mind.

«We’ll keep practicing this until you know it backwards.»

-

Dorian was lying in bed, looking at old photos, an episode of BuzzFeed Unsolved playing in the background.

He kept scrolling until he reached a photo of himself and Aelin grinning madly as they were riding a rollercoaster. He remembered Chaol chickening out at the last minute, how Aelin clutched his hand as they neared the top, himself puking into a trashcan as soon as they got off. It was taken years ago, but Dorian could still hear the children screaming in frightened delight, could still taste the cotton candy he had shared with his friends, could still smell the popcorn.

If he focused hard enough, he could still feel what it was like being a child. When you had nothing to worry about, because your dad was the strongest, bravest person in the world and your mom could fix every problem.

But it wasn’t like that anymore. They had grown up. Dorian had grown up, and along the way he had realized that his dad was a weak and pathetic coward and his mom could barely handle her own problems.

He looked back at the picture. It wasn’t just his family that had changed.

Dorian, Aelin, Chaol.

It had been the three of them for as long as he could remember. Dorian couldn’t even recall how they had met. Aelin and Chaol was a constant in his life. The one thing he could always rely on, no matter what.

All of that was changing now. He could feel it.

They would soon be scattered across the country for college, and Aelin was spending much more time with Rowan, now that he was her boyfriend.

That isn’t the only thing keeping you apart, a voice inside of him said.

It was also the matter of the secret he kept from them.

Dorian still hadn’t told them he was bisexual. His stomach grew heavy as he yet again reminded himself of the fact.

He didn’t know what he was so scared of. They would without a doubt support him - and he wasn’t ashamed of his sexuality, not in any way - but it was always a possibility, always a what if? And if he told his friends it would be out in the world, and Dorian would no longer have all the control.

The secret inside him kept tugging and tugging, fighting it’s way out, but something stopped it.

Dorian hated himself for not being able to just say it.

He was done letting this get in the way of his friendship.

This was the last year they all had together before going separate ways. He didn’t want to spend it pretending to be someone he was not.

He just had to find the courage first.

Chapter Text

Mother, make me

Make me a song so sweet

Heaven trembles, falling at my feet

-Florence + The Machine, Mother

«Is that drool I see on your chin?»

Dorian chuckled as Aelin gave Chaol a deadly glare for his comment. They were sitting at the bleachers, watching the football field where Aelin’s boyfriend currently were busy doing push-ups.

She had suggested sitting at the bleachers to study, had said that the fresh air was good for their brains. How convenient that we chose to study outside at the same time as Rowan Whitethorn’s football practice, Dorian thought.

When Dorian and Chaol kept mocking Aelin for the way she was staring, she turned back to them, a smirk playing on her lips. Anyone who knew Aelin also knew that smirk meant you should run.

«It’s not my fault you lot don’t know how to appreciate the gift that is the male body,» she countered. Chaol groaned before shifting his focus back to his books.

Don’t be so sure about that, a voice inside Dorian said after hearing Aelin’s words, the ever-present unease in his stomach growing. He knew he should just tell them, that this would be the perfect moment.

Hey, guys, there’s something I wanna tell you..

It was just words. There was nothing to be afraid of. He just had to open his mouth and speak.

But Dorian couldn’t. Every time he tried, he felt his throat tighten, the words stuck.

He looked at his friends again. Aelin was laughing at something Chaol had said. Dorian hadn’t even registered that his friend had said something. Just say it, you coward.

It won’t make a difference. They’ll love and accept and support you no matter what.

Repeating the words inside himself over and over again, he tried to speak, tried to tell them the truth, yet over and over again, he failed.

Dorian felt tears prick behind his eyes, getting more and more frustrated over the fact that he couldn’t just say it.

He was sick of it all. Sick of keeping secrets, sick of pretending, sick of feeling like he was watching his friends from behind a wall. He couldn’t sit here anymore.

«I have to go to the bathroom, see you later,» Dorian mumbled, abruptly standing. He gathered his things and walked away, not hearing what Aelin was calling after him.

He rushed past the students crowding the hallway, past the bathrooms. He just needed space, to clear his head, to think, to just fucking breathe for a moment.

Dorian swore he felt a pang of relief as he saw the wide double doors leading into the library.

The library was surprisingly empty, which meant his favourite spot would be empty too. Not many knew about the little alcove hidden at the very back, behind a shelf of some old novels that no one ever touched.

It had become Dorian’s haven over the three years he had attended high school. This was the place he went if he wanted to get lost in a book, or when he needed a break, or the times he just needed to sit and think.

All thoughts from earlier disappeared as he reached the alcove and saw what was in front of him. As he spotted a white-haired ponytail. Because there - in his spot - sat Manon Blackbeak, her head in her hands, her breath hitching and her whole body shaking.

-

As soon as the bell rang, Manon ran out of the classroom. She just needed to get away, needed to think, to breathe. Her head hurt, her vision was blurry and damn it, she just needed to breathe.

Ignoring the students coming out of their classrooms, she headed towards the library. The only place she could think of that would be empty and quiet.

Her feet were heavy, but she forced them to move. She needed to get away, to be alone.

Once inside the library - which was fairly unoccupied - she went all the way to the back, where she found an alcove. The light was dim and it was cold and exactly what she needed right now.

Manon let her back hit the wall, before she sank down, her head falling into her hands.

While focusing on her breathing, she tried not to think about the red B at the very top of the test she had hastily shoved down in her backpack.

She knew it was only a test, that this would hardly matter when it came to her final grade, but her grandmother would not accept it.

You’re a disappointment, an embarrassment to this family. Do you think you will get anywhere in life with grades like this? I always knew you would turn out just like your mother. Weak and pathetic and-

Her breathing grew heavy again, coming out in short pants. She tried to calm herself again, tried to block out her grandmother’s voice echoing in her head. She kept breathing, in, out, in, out.

Manon felt her pounding heart calm a little, the ringing in her ears stopping, her shaking body shaking a little less.

A sudden noise made her lift her head. She flinched slightly as she saw a boy standing in front of her, a worried look on his face. How long had he been standing there? Why hadn’t she noticed him approaching?

She recognized him as Dorian Havilliard. He was in her English class, and he always had his nose stuck in a book.

Now he was looking at her like she was some wounded animal. She couldn’t stand the look of worry and pity on his face, so she schooled her features into that cold, unapproachable expression she was used to wearing.

«Are you okay?» Dorian kept staring at her, kept searching her face for any indicator that she was definitely not okay.

«It’s none of your business,» she mumbled. Manon knew she should have stood up and walked away, but she wasn’t sure if her legs could carry her right now.

But Dorian kept standing there, looking at her.

«Leave me alone…»

He didn’t budge, just stood there.

Do not let anyone see you as weak. Ever.

«You’re in my English class, right? Manon?» He still had that concerned look on his face, and she couldn’t help but feel a little small under his gaze. She refused to meet his eyes. What did he care if she was okay or not?

So Manon did the only thing she could. She rolled her eyes and hissed: «I told you to leave me alone, can’t you take the hint? Besides don’t you have a book to get back to or something?»

As her words hit, he finally shifted his gaze away from her. Dorian looked down on his shoes, before he stepped over to the wall opposite of her and sat down.

Manon felt herself boiling with anger. Couldn’t he just leave? She didn’t need anyone’s pity, and the last thing she wanted was to talk about what had caused her panic earlier.

Dorian opened his mouth to speak again, but she stood up, gathered her belongings and walked out the door before she could hear what it was.

She heard him call after her - but like she did with everything else - she blocked it out.

-

Dorian couldn’t stop thinking about earlier today. About Manon, and whatever the hell she was going through when he found her. She might have claimed the opposite, but she was definitely not okay.

It was late, and he couldn’t sleep, so he had tried finding her on various social media so he could send her a message. He needed to tell her that he didn’t mean to bother her earlier, but if she needed to talk about it, he was there. He doubted she would reply, but it would make him feel better.

The mission quickly deemed itself impossible though. He couldn’t find her anywhere. He had tried writing her name in different ways, had found her cousin and looked at all the people she followed, but Manon wasn’t one of them.

Who are you? he wondered to himself.

His interaction with Manon had almost made him forget about what happened earlier with Aelin and Chaol. One day, he thought. One day he was gonna be brave enough to tell them.

Downstairs, he could hear his parents fight. The other reason to why he couldn’t sleep. They had been yelling at each other for a good twenty minutes now, and he doubted it would end soon.

Dorian closed his eyes, once again attempting to sleep. School was going to be hell tomorrow if he didn’t get enough rest. He almost managed to drift off to sleep, when his door creaked open and his little brother peeked inside.

Hollin was almost 7, and Dorian had to admit he was an annoying child. His brother was incredibly spoiled and was known for throwing tantrums if he didn’t get his way.

But as the little boy carefully stepped into his room, a scared look in his eyes and his teddy bear clutched in one hand, Dorian didn’t have the heart to throw him out.

«I couldn’t sleep,» he said quietly, sounding as if he was about to cry.

Dorian sighed, before making some space. «You can sleep here if you want.»

Hollin rushed over to him and climbed into the bed. Dorian put the covers around his brother before laying down himself.

The room was pitch dark, and they were both silent, the only sound to be heard was the sound of their parents still fighting.

Dorian thought Hollin had fallen asleep already at how quiet he was, but suddenly he whispered: «Do you think they are going to get divorced?»

His chest tightened at hearing his brother’s words. He had never really thought about how much the boy noticed. How much he saw and heard. How much did he actually understand?

«No, Hollin, I don’t think they are getting a divorce,» he said to comfort his brother, even though what he wanted to say was: I hope they get a divorce.

«Thank you for letting me sleep here,» Hollin said back to him while yawning.

«Goodnight Hollin,» Dorian said, listening to his brother’s breath become slow and even.

-

Manon was standing in the middle of the floor at the empty dance studio. It was late at night, but she didn’t care. She needed to be alone for a little while. Needed to get it all out.

This afternoon had been a disaster. She had come home from school, and her grandmother had immediately asked how the test went. Manon had only reached into her backpack and handed her the piece of paper.

She swore her grandmother’s eyes had gone dark as she saw the B. The woman had begun asking questions about whether she had studied enough, if she had paid attention in class, demanding to know what had made her distracted enough to fail.

«How could you fail at something so simple as math? If you keep this up you are going to end up like your mother. Do you not have any respect for yourself? You disappoint me Manon. You can do better than this. I will only accept the best from you. Do you understand?»

Manon had only stood there, staring at the floor, too ashamed to meet her eyes.

«DO YOU UNDERSTAND?»

She had actually flinched when her grandmother had screamed. Her entire body had stiffened, so all she could do was reply a weak «yes, grandmother, I will do better.»

The woman had stormed into her study then, slamming the door behind her. Asterin was nowhere to be seen.

Manon sometimes felt herself get jealous over how little their grandmother demanded of her cousin. She didn’t have to study day and night to get straight A’s or make sure she was always the best. She did what she wanted as long as she didn’t get in their grandmother’s way.

Knowing that Asterin had it much easier simply because their grandmother didn’t care made it all a little better.

She is a lost cause, she had said once.

And Manon knew the discipline would pay off one day. She would get into a good college, get out of this town, and be someone.

Her grandmother’s lecture kept repeating itself inside her head.

Do you not have any respect for yourself?

She walked over to the speakers and turned on the music. If she didn’t work harder, she would become a failure.

You disappoint me.

She knew that she should stay home and study, should focus on her grades…

If you keep this up you are going to end up like your mother.

Her grandmother had been so angry…

So disappointed…

I will only accept the best from you.

Manon decided she didn’t want to think about it anymore. Instead, she started moving her body to the rhythm, letting herself get lost in the music.

Chapter Text

There is love in your body but you can’t get it out

It gets stuck in your head won’t come out of your mouth

-Florence + The Machine, Hardest of Hearts

Asterin looked pissed. She and Manon were currently sitting on the floor at the dance studio, stretching after the long practice they’d just had.

«All I’m saying is that you’re not focused enough,» Manon continued. She had asked Asterin to stay behind with her so they could talk. Dance practice was about the only place she saw her cousin now, and even then, her mind seemed to be elsewhere.

While rolling her eyes, Asterin replied: «I just have a lot on my mind right now, besides, we’re doing good.» She shrugged, before moving on to her other leg.

Manon didn’t buy that whole a lot on my mind thing, so she pushed further. «Like hell you have a lot on your mind. I bet it’s that boyfriend of yours keeping you so distracted, you seem to spend all your time with him.»

«So what if I spend my time with him, he makes me happy,» Asterin scoffed as she finished stretching, now standing up to leave.

Oh, they weren’t done yet…

«I don’t care how happy he makes you when you can barely keep up with the rest of the team. Iskra-,»

«Relax a little, nationals are months away,» Asterin interrupted, turning around to face her cousin once more.

Manon hated to argue with her, but someone needed to make sure everyone on the team stayed focused, stayed in shape. «Nationals being months away isn’t an excuse to slack off. You know I can replace you at any time if you don’t keep up with the rest.»

Always the hard, disciplined leader.

Asterin almost looked hurt at her words. Manon kept her features cool and emotionless. She didn’t care about Asterin’s feelings. If she got kicked of the team, it was her own fault.

«There’s nothing I want more than to beat Iskra Yellowlegs like the bug she is, but you don’t have to be such a bitch about it. Go a little easier on the team, we have never been as good as we are now.»

Manon didn’t bother responding as Asterin walked out, slamming the door behind her. The sound echoed through the almost empty room.

They might be better than ever, Manon thought, but better than ever still wasn’t good enough in her grandmothers eyes.

-

Dorian usually enjoyed English class, but the teacher had been rambling about the importance of using formal language and how «kids nowadays talked to their peers». So instead of paying attention to what Mr. Norton was saying, Dorian continued reading the book Aelin had practically forced on him earlier. He had to admit, it was a good book. Especially the main character’s love interest.

Thinking about that sent a rush of sadness through him. Dorian knew Aelin loved that character as well. In fact, she hadn’t been able to shut up about him for the past few weeks. There was nothing Dorian wanted more than to geek out over their joint crush, but that would also mean telling Aelin that he liked both girls and boys.

He still hadn’t told them, still hadn’t found the courage. Dorian wasn’t sure what was holding him back…

The other reason to why he wasn’t paying attention in class was sitting two rows ahead of him. Dorian found his eyes wandering to the head full of white hair more times than he liked to admit.

It had been a week since he stumbled upon her having a panic attack in the library. Dorian had wanted to talk to her after, but she was hard to catch. He never saw her in the hallway, never saw her near the football field, never in the cafeteria, a few days ago he’d even checked the spot he’d last seen her, but it was as empty as always. The only time he actually saw Manon was in English class, but she was the last to enter and the first to leave, meaning it was impossible to go over to her desk and start a conversation while waiting for their teacher. Dorian had met her eyes, once, but she had looked at him like nothing happened, like she didn’t know him, before quickly looking elsewhere.

«-which will mean a lot for your grades.» Dorian only caught the tail of that sentence, but he shifted his attention to the board. Apparently Mr. Norton had stopped talking about formal language and instead moved on to presenting some assignment.

«For this project, you will be paired up two and two. You are to pick a book of your choosing, read it, and then make a podcast where you discuss it. I have put the deadline in two and a half weeks, it’s on a Friday.»

This made Dorian feel very exited. He hoped he would be paired with someone who’d let him choose the book. He already had a few in mind…

«These are the pairs,» their teacher said, pulling a document up on the board. Dorian searched the list until he found himself. He felt a surge of excitement as he saw who he was paired with. Right at the bottom, was his name, next to Manon’s.

This was gonna be a good couple of weeks.

-

This day could not get any worse, Manon though, looking at the board.

First, she had been woken up way too early by Abraxos yowling at her window. Good thing her grandmother was currently out of town. The lack of sleep had put her in a fairly pissy mood. A mood which had been made worse by fighting with Asterin after dance practice. Then she had been unlucky enough to be paired up with Dorian fucking Havilliard for a project counting 50% on their semester grade.

She had to find some way to get out of it. She could tell Mr.Norton she didn’t have time to meet up with Dorian. That she would read a book on her own and make an analysis. Or just ask to switch partners. Anything, to not do it with him of all people.

What are the odds - in a class with 30 students - of being paired up with the boy who happened to walk in on you having a panic attack a week ago?

Manon had zoned out in a train of thought, which were interrupted by their teacher speaking once again. «You can have the rest of this lesson to discuss how you want to go through with it,» Mr. Norton announced, sitting down behind his desk.

Fuck, now Dorian was coming towards her. She tried to look as bored as possible as he leaned against the edge of the table in front of her, hands in his pockets. He ran a hand through his curly, black hair, before asking:

«Were you okay the other day? I’ve been meaning to ask you, but…» He simply gestured at her, instead of finishing the sentence. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

Manon tried to keep her features calm, cold. «What are you talking about? I’m fine. Besides, it’s none of your business.»

Dorian raised an eyebrow, clearly not buying it, so Manon answered with a glare. That seemed to make him give up his interrogation, she thought as his expression faltered.

«Okay, so we should probably discuss what book to read,» Dorian said reluctantly, not ready to let go of the previous subject just yet.

«Yeah, no, that’s not gonna work,» Manon replied, her voice bored.

«And why is that?» The boy in front of her was smirking now. She wanted to punch him in the face.

Manon rolled her eyes. «Because I have a very tight schedule. We can just do it separately and then mix up our notes as we hand it in.»

As soon as the words had left her mouth, the bell rang, students all around them moving to get out. Thank god! Manon was about to get up and leave herself, but Dorian stopped her. He ripped a piece of paper out of his notebook before scribbling down something and handing it to Manon.

«Here’s my number. Why don’t you text me when you’ve found an available spot in your very tight schedule.» After putting an emphasis on very tight he had the audacity to wink at her, before walking out of the classroom.

And Manon just stood there, baffled by the whole exchange, with a sudden need to scream.

-

When Manon was lying in bed that night, she still couldn’t get her mind off the stupid project. She most definitely couldn’t work with Dorian, she decided.

So why do you still have his number?

She cursed the voice inside herself. He meant trouble, and there had to be some way she could do it alone. She would talk to Mr. Norton tomorrow and figure it out. She didn’t need to think about it tonight.

Manon tried to close her eyes and go to sleep, but all she could see was Dorian, winking at her as he walked away. Text me, she could hear his voice echo in her mind.

Then there was the other thing bothering her. She still hadn’t spoken with Asterin after their fight. She had hoped they could declare peace over dinner today, but she hadn’t come home after school. It was now midnight, and still no sight of her cousin. She was probably at Hunter’s.

Asterin being away meant the whole house was quiet. Their grandmother was away on some business trip and wouldn’t be back for another few days. Manon normally enjoyed the calm quiet of the night, but right now she couldn’t relax. Something was on her mind.

You have that something’s number, that voice said again.

«Fuck it!» Manon annoyingly exclaimed as she abruptly sat up, rousing Abraxos - who was lying next to her - from his peaceful sleep in the process.

Ignoring the clearly offended cat, she reached for her nightstand, where her phone and the note she had tossed beside it laid. She opened her messages and typed in Dorian’s number. She didn’t bother saving it. Then she angrily typed in a message before sending it and tossing her phone back on the nightstand. She didn’t wait to see if he answered.

The message only said: Saturday, 3pm, the library.

Manon hadn’t even bothered signing it. He would have to figure out who it was from on his own.

«Don’t look at me like that,» she said to Abraxos as she laid back down. The cat only purred before snuggling close.

Rolling her eyes at him, she tried to be annoyed, but Manon had to admit she didn’t mind the warmth. The cat purred even louder, apparently agreeing.

As she closed her eyes once more, she tried very hard not to think about Saturday and the boy she had just texted.

Chapter Text

Say my name

As every color illuminates

We are shining

And we will never be afraid again

-Florence + The Machine, Spectrum

Dorian was sitting outside the school building, waiting for Chaol. They had planned to get dinner together- it was Friday, and Dorian wanted to celebrate the big chemistry test they’d both had earlier today.

At least that’s what he’d told Chaol when he’d texted him last night.

Around midnight, Dorian had gotten a text that only said: Saturday, 3pm, the library. The person who had sent it hadn’t even bothered signing their name. Still, as soon as Dorian saw the text, he knew it had to be from Manon. He swore he could even hear her voice saying it, full of annoyance over the fact that she had to give in and agree to work with him.

He had replied it’s a date, and even added a smirking emoji, knowing it would irritate her to no end. Then he’d waited for her response - an emoji rolling it’s eyes or an insult or whatever - but she’d left him on read. Thinking about it now, Dorian doubted Manon Blackbeak used emojis.

The exchange - and the newly made plans for his Saturday - had left him so high on adrenalin that he’d texted Chaol as well, not really aware of what he’d done before the message was sent.

He was going to do it.

He was coming out to his best friend.

Today.

The adrenalin rush from last night had most certainly worn off. Dorian’s heart was beating faster than ever before and his palms were getting uncomfortably sweaty. He most definitely regretted sending the text - even if it was just a question about dinner - hell, he even contemplated making up some excuse and bolting.

But no matter how nervous he was, Dorian had decided to do it, so it would happen. Today. He was going to tell Chaol that he was bisexual, and then Aelin, and then some day in the future, he would tell his parents.

Dorian was sick of hiding, of pretending. Of thinking that his best friends wouldn’t accept him for who he was. They loved him, and his sexuality wouldn’t change any of that.

At least that’s what he told himself…

He pulled up his phone once more to check the time. The biology teacher had ended their lesson early today, so he had to sit and wait for Chaol’s lesson to end. The waiting didn’t exactly make his nerves any better.

You have nothing to be afraid of, he reminded himself, probably the hundredth time that day. But still, there was this tightness in his chest, refusing to leave. He knew it would be fine, but he couldn’t let go of all the what ifs.

As Dorian was about to check his phone again, he heard the bell ring. Shortly after, Chaol came strolling out of the building.

Dorian stood up, willing his knees to stop shaking and waved at his friend.

«You ready to go?» Chaol said in greeting, nodding towards his car.

Forcing a smile, Dorian gave a quick «yes» in reply, his voice cracking slightly.

Get your shit together, he scolded himself.

Chaol asked him about his day as they walked over to the vehicle, but Dorian could only get himself to shrug. «It was fine. The usual.»

Dorian opened the door and sat down in the passenger seat while Chaol begun talking excitedly about something that happened in PE today. «You won’t believe this, Dorian-,»

He tried to listen, tried to pay attention, but the words didn’t register as the engine started and they drove away, towards the diner. Towards Dorian finally telling the truth.

-

As they were driving, the trembling and shaking and sweating stopped for a moment. Dorian had felt incredibly relieved as he found himself able to listen, to even contribute with his own stories and opinions, and they slowly eased into the normal, carefree conversations him and Chaol usually had. They talked about the chemistry test, about the day in general, their plans for the weekend - Chaol wanted to head to some party, Aelin too apparently - Dorian even laughed as Chaol vividly described how his teacher had managed to show all the photos from his vacation to Hawaii instead of a presentation on world economy.

Talking about their weekend plans had also gotten his mind back on Manon. Dorian was genuinely excited for their project and the opportunity to get to know the girl. She might come off as cold and uncaring, but Dorian saw the way she looked at things, at people. He was desperate to find out what was going on in that mind of hers whenever she seemed to disappear in her own thoughts. He was desperate to find out who she really was.

-

The carefree feeling that had been present during the car ride was certainly gone now. They were sitting in their usual booth at the diner, trying to decide what to order. Dorian was shaking again, his hands trembling, heart thundering, lungs unable to get enough air. All the noise around him deafened by the roaring in his ears getting louder, and louder and-

«Hey!» Chaol waved his hand in front of Dorian’s face. «Are you okay? I’ve asked you the same question three times now…»

Dorian shook his head, willing his body to just calm the fuck down. «Yeah…um…just a little…peaky, I guess.» He tried meeting Chaol’s eyes, tried giving him a reassuring smile, fake as it was. Chaol didn’t buy it, his concerned eyes searching Dorian’s face for whatever was wrong. When Dorian just kept forcing that disgusting smile on his face, his friend finally shifted his gaze back towards the menu.

«So, what pizza do you want?»

-

Their food had been delivered half an hour ago, but Dorian had barely touched it. He was going to be sick. He needed fresh air, needed a break, needed some space.

Just do it, coward, that vicious voice echoed in his mind.

The meal had been awfully awkward this far. Dorian had tried to speak, had tried to say it, but he could never seem to find the right moment, and when he did, his throat would tighten, and the words would refuse to come out. As a result, Dorian was barely saying anything, instead just staring down at his untouched food.

At the opposite side of the table, Chaol was growing more and more suspicious, clearly sensing that something was wrong. Yet he didn’t say anything, just threw a worried look at Dorian every now and then.

Dorian felt his heart beating faster and faster, felt his chest tighten, blood rushing in his ears.

I can’t keep living like this, he decided. It has to be now…

It was so simple, in theory. It was just words after all. But the fear, the anxiety, refused to let go, and Dorian hated it. He was done with being afraid, done with lying awake at night, done with keeping the truth from his best friends. He had nothing to be ashamed of, nothing that needed to be hidden from the world like some dirty secret.

Chaol opened his mouth, no doubt about to ask if he was okay a second time, but Dorian beat him to it.

His throat tightened once again, mouth going dry, but he forced the words out. «I actually…um…wanted to tell you something. That’s why I asked you to hang out…» His voice was shaking so badly, and he was talking so low that he was surprised Chaol heard any of it, but he kept going.

Dorian thought his heart was actually going to jump out of his chest - that’s how fast it was beating right now - as he watched the look of surprise on Chaol’s face.

«Oh, okay, go ahead,» his friend said, giving him an encouraging smile, brows slightly raised in question.

It was even harder to speak this time, but he was determined to go through with it. The matter of his sexuality had already been a secret for too long. He wanted to feel proud of who he was, but it was difficult when he kept hiding it from his loved ones.

Ready or not, he was done being afraid.

«I’m bisexual.»

Dorian wasn’t sure he was breathing as he waited for Chaol’s reaction, as he saw his friend’s eyes widen. He had pictured this conversation in his head at least a thousand times, a different reaction for each of them.

This was a mistake, that voice inside of him said.

But then Chaol looked him in the eye, and said the words Dorian wanted to hear so badly.

«OH! Okay, cool.»

Then he smiled at Dorian. He smiled the way he had countless times before. He smiled the way he had that one time when they’d been 8, and they’d ridden their bikes so fast that they’d crashed in Aelin’s neighbor’s fence, and he had scraped his knees and it had hurt so much, but the sun was shining and the air around them was warm and they were carefree, happy children.

And as Dorian saw that smile now, after telling him his biggest secret, after finally being free of the fear and anxiety, he felt a tear land on his cheek, the wave of relief and pride crashing through him.

After that one tear came another one, then another. Dorian would have felt embarrassed by the way he was straight out crying, but he was just so relieved. It would be okay. This didn’t change anything, and they would be okay. He would be okay.

As the first sob wracked through his body, Chaol rushed over to his side, arms coming around him in a warm embrace. «Hey, don’t cry, it’s okay-,» Chaol whispered, comforting his best friend.

Dorian managed to get out an «I’m sorry» in between the sobs, but Chaol interrupted him before he could finish the sentence.

«You have nothing to be sorry for, okay? You being bi doesn’t change anything, you’re my best friend, hell, you’re basically my brother. I love you, no matter what, you know that right?»

The only thing Dorian could do was nod while trying to stop the tears. The tightness in his chest was gone, he noticed. In its place was a new kind of indescribable joy. And pride, of finally having told someone!

He had told someone.

He had told Chaol, and he still loved him. Nothing had changed.

Everything was going to be okay.

When Dorian finally managed to stop crying, Chaol moved back to his seat. «Have you told Aeling yet?»

Dorian shook his head. «You’re the first to know. Congrats!»

Chaol laughed at his joke, and Dorian laughed with him, just because he couldn’t help it. He was so, so happy. So relieved.

«So, how long have you known?» Chaol asked, voice curious.

«Since we were freshmen and I got a huge crush on Fenrys Moonbeam…»

«Not Moonbeam,» Chaol deadpanned. «He’s a walking cliché.»

«I know that now, but I was young and stupid,» Dorian defended himself, the two of them talking about the fact that he’d had a crush on a boy like they would talk about any other subject.

-

When Dorian came home that night, he felt lighter than he had in years. His heart was calm, his breathing steady and so easy. He still had a long way to go, still had a lot of people to tell, but he had a feeling it would be alright. In that moment, he felt invincible.

His phone buzzed, and he opened it to find a text from Chaol:

Hey, just wanted to let you know that this changes nothing between us. I think you are very brave for coming out, and I am honored by the fact that you told me first. You know you can talk to me about anything, no judgement, ever. Love you bro<3

-Chaol

Everything would be alright indeed.

Chapter Text

And I’ve been taking chances

I’ve been setting myself up for the fall

I’ve been keeping secrets

From my heart and from my soul

-Florence + The Machine, Lover to Lover

Once Saturday arrived, Dorian had almost forgotten about his plans to meet up with Manon and discuss their project. He couldn’t blame himself for forgetting, not when yesterday had been so eventful.

He’d done it. He had come out as bi to Chaol. After months and months of keeping it a secret, of hiding, of hating himself for being unable to just say it, he’d done it. And Chaol’s reaction had been better than he could ever hope for.

There was still a long way to go, he still hadn’t told Aelin, or his family, but he had taken that first, terrifying leap of faith, and that mattered. His father probably wouldn’t have the same reaction as his best friend, but Dorian found himself not caring that much. As long as he had Chaol and Aelin, the latter whom he’d tell the next time he saw her, everything would be fine.

Then there was the case of Manon Blackbeak. Dorian still couldn’t quite believe that she had actually texted him, had actually agreed to meet up with him on a Saturday, of all days, to discuss some English project. Even as he walked through the heavy doors of the communal library, he had to pull up his phone one more time, just to be sure it wasn’t all some figment of his imagination.

But there she was, sitting by one of the many tables, a notebook open in front of her. She was staring straight ahead, looking as if she might stand up and bolt at any moment. Seeing her out of school was…strange, Dorian thought to himself. It felt as if he had entered some brand new, undiscovered territory, as if he had found a window, offering a look at who she really was behind the mask of uncaring coldness.

Walking towards her table, he wiped his sweaty palms on the front of his jacket, trying to calm his thundering heart. You have nothing to be nervous about, he told himself, but he didn’t believe it for a moment. Dorian desperately wanted her to like him. He wanted her to smile and laugh and talk about the things she cared about. He just really wanted to get to know her.

«Hey,» Dorian said as he reached the table, pulling out the chair on the opposite side of Manon, whom he now noticed wasn’t staring at nothing, she was listening to music. And she seemed fairly lost in it. I wonder what she listens to, some voice inside him whispered. «Hey!» he said again, louder this time. That seemed to get her attention. She didn’t greet him back, her pulling out her earbuds and placing them on the table the only sign she even knew he was there.

«What were you listening to?» he asked in a nimble attempt to break the heavy tension, the wooden chair creaking as he sat down.

«Nothing.»

Dorian couldn’t tear his eyes off of her. Even while she was glaring at him, looking as if she wanted to be anywhere but here, there was no denying the fact that she was beautiful. Manon was wearing her usual leather jacket and vintage t-shirt, but her hair was loose, swept over one shoulder, and she wasn’t wearing any make up except for a bright-red lipstick. It somehow made her look younger, softer.

Deciding to play this the usual way, Dorian gave her a once-over, before bringing out his signature smirk. «You look nice today. New lipstick?»

-

«Cut the crap already. I’m not here to make ‘nice’ small-talk or to pretend I actually wanna do this, so let’s just pick a book and get it over with. I have other places to be right now.»

She must have done something really bad, Manon concluded, because some god was punishing her in the most cruel of ways. Dorian Havilliard was sitting across from her, giving her a look that, to her greatest horror, actually made her toes curl. He was handsome, there were no other ways to describe him, with his stupid, pretty blue eyes and his stupid, curly, dark hair. The smart choice would be to stay as far away from his as possible. He brought nothing but trouble.

But you’re not smart, are you? You would have stayed away if you were. You truly are your mother’s daughter.

And it was true, what she’d said. She had other places to be, and coming here today was a risk, one she already regretted. Normally, she spent her Saturdays in the dance studio, honing her already flawless moves. She had to, if she wanted to stay on top, if she wanted to be the very best. Nothing else is good enough. Manon didn’t want to imagine what her punishment would be if her grandmother found out she had been slacking today. Even if this was all for a school project. Good thing the woman was currently out of town.

Her attention shifted back to Dorian as he cleared his throat. «I have been thinking a little, and I think we should do our project on Harry Potter.»

Oh, he had got to be kidding her, Manon thought as she schooled her features to look as unimpressed as possible. Had she been anyone else, she would have laughed at his suggestion, but Manon Blackbeak didn’t laugh. The only emotion she showed was plain, unimpressed boredom. It was simply easier that way. Better to push people away before they got the chance to leave.

Because how could anyone ever want to stay with her, when not even her parents could?

But that trick didn’t work on Dorian. She was just as cruel and cold with him as she was with everyone else, yet he didn’t shy away, didn’t leave her alone. It was why she couldn’t stay away either. He saw something in her that no one else did, something she kept hidden in the very depth of her soul. Him asking her about her music had been enough to unnerve her. She didn’t share her music with anyone, but for a second, she had wanted to tell him, to show him. Dorian threw her off balance, and it terrified her. Not that she would ever admit it.

«It might not be the most traditional of choices, but there are a lot of elements to analyze and discuss, and Mr. Norton wanted us to show independence and originality. And besides, everyone loves Harry Potter once they try it.»

«Isn’t it a children’s book?» Manon asked, and eyebrow raised in question. She didn’t want to be here, and she most definitely didn’t want to read his book.

«Oh, you sweet, innocent muggle,» Dorian drawled. A deadly glare was Manon’s only response to what was clearly some nerdy reference she didn’t get. She did not have the time for silly stories.

There was a glow in his eyes now, a glow she knew all too well, only because she got that very same glow in her own eyes whenever she read about nearly forgotten historical events or some long lost mythology from worlds now turned to dust.

«There is no way I am going to read Harry Potter.»

«Do you have a better suggestion?» As he said that, Dorian looked way too smug for Manon’s liking, but he had a point. She didn’t have a better suggestion.

Deeming her silence a good enough answer, Dorian leaned back in his chair, placing his hands behind his head. «That’s what I thought.»

At this very moment, Manon decided she hated group projects. She hated the lack of control, hated the fact that she had to compromise every damn thing, hated that her grade partly relied on a smirking bastard and his ability to analyze a book. A children’s book at that. This was her senior year, for fuck’s sake, she didn’t have the time for this. She had to focus, had to avoid any distraction, her future depended on it, but Dorian Havilliard and Mr. Norton’s idiotic assignment made that very hard at the moment.

-

Later that night, as Dorian was sitting on his bed, once again reading the opening words of Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone, he couldn’t help but think of how somewhere else in their small town, Manon was discovering this fantastic world for the first time.

He wished he could be with her right now, wished he could see her reactions to all of his favorite scenes. Would she laugh? Would she roll her eyes? Would she fall in love with it as much as he had? Dorian sincerely hoped she would love it, and after today, he had a feeling she was the exact type to get lost in a story.

Their meeting had been very awkward at first, and Dorian had nearly been sure she would get up and leave at some point, but as they had begun planning and discussing their project, they had eased into a natural, flowing conversation, undoubtedly being on the same page when it came to how they wanted to go through with their project.

Then Manon had come up with the idea of comparing fantasy to real life mythology, and it was as if a brand new person had taken her place. While she was explaining how fiction almost always came from real events, and how world history had helped shape most literature, Dorian had gotten lost in the sound of her voice, so eager and confident.

She had almost smiled as she went on and on about ancient legends, her eyes practically glowing, and Dorian had felt like the fucking chosen one himself for being able to witness it. Manon had shown him a glimpse of herself, of who she was under that mask of carefully calculated coldness.

Did the real her look at everything with such passion? Dorian didn’t know, but he was hell-bent on finding out.

-

Manon should have gone to bed by now, but that stupid book was impossible to put down.

She had been right, it was a children’s story, and yet it had sucked her in from the very beginning. Was Dorian lying awake, reading, just like her?

The world was quiet as her eyes hungrily roved over page after page, a single lamp lit in her otherwise dark room. She was all alone, with the exception of Abraxos, who currently lay sprawled on his back by her side.

Asterin had not come home tonight either, and merely thinking about it caused a knot to form in her stomach. She had been lying to her grandmother about it for weeks now, protecting Asterin from the punishment that would surely come if their grandmother ever found out, but Manon didn’t think she could keep up the charade for much longer.

I have done everything for you, to make sure you do not end up like your mother, and yet you have the nerve to lie to me? That ungratefulness will bring you nowhere in life. You are pathetic, weak, worthless-

Manon could feel the sting of a palm against her cheek as she heard her grandmothers voice speak into her mind. She was becoming distracted, especially after today.

Apparently, it wasn’t bad enough that she was lying about her cousin, she had also lied today about her whereabouts. Instead of spending the day training, she had gone to the library to meet a boy. Dorian Havilliard to be specific.

And Manon hated to admit it, but she had enjoyed the time they spent together. They made a good team, the two of them. She had tried her very best to stay cold and disinterested, but planning their project had made her eager. If all went to plan, they were going to nail it.

Then there was Dorian. Manon had been set on not liking him, but talking together was so easy, almost fun. And the time had passed so quickly.

Despite herself, Manon actually wanted to spend more time with him, wanted to keep talking and keep sharing ideas and thoughts.

Friends will get you nowhere in life. They will only hold you back.

Her grandmother was right. She couldn’t let anything distract her. She had to be better. Had to do better. Beginning with getting enough sleep.

Only one more chapter, and then she would put the book away, even if she had decided she wanted to stay at Hogwarts forever.

As Manon kept reading, she reached a scene that was so ridiculous she couldn’t help but let out a rich laugh, the sound echoing through the otherwise empty house. It was so earnest she felt it deep down in her belly.

And although she was smiling, the grin quickly faded away when Manon realized she could not remember the last time she had done so.

Chapter Text

Would you leave me

If I told you what I have done?

And would you leave me

If I told you what I’ve become?

-Florence + The Machine, No Light, No Light

«How’s school at the moment? Do you have a lot of work?»

Manon looked up from where she was chopping vegetables to find Asterin leaning against the counter, a curious look on her face. It was Friday night, and since her cousin had decided to stay home for once, they were currently in the kitchen, making dinner together.

«It’s okay, the only major assignment I have right now is a book project in English,» Manon responded, said book lying open on her bed, waiting for her to continue with it.

Asterin only nodded, turning back towards the stove. It had been like this the entire evening, the air full off awkward silence and unsaid words. Manon wasn’t entirely sure what had happened for it to be like this, who’s fault it was, but one thing she knew: She couldn’t take it anymore, not even for a minute. She had to say something to break the heavy tension.

«How’s it going with you and Hunter?» That certainly caught Asterin’s attention, considering they hadn’t spoken of her boyfriend since their argument a few weeks back. Manon didn’t want to bring it up again now, either, but there was a big elephant in the room, and its name was Hunter.

A blush spread over Asterin’s cheeks, and Manon wanted to throw up at the sweet, lovestruck look on her cousin’s face. «It’s all great,» Asterin said, smiling dreamily, «I really like him.»

Manon twisted back to her vegetables so that Asterin wouldn’t see how hard she rolled her eyes. She regretted asking.

Her cousin didn’t seem to take the hint though, because she kept going, «I would have gone to his place tonight as well, but he’s visiting his parents this weekend.» Right, Manon thought. Hunter was in college. He was only a freshman, only a few months older than Asterin, but still, he had a car, had his own apartment, was an adult. And their grandmother, if she found out-

«You haven’t told her, have you?» Asterin suddenly asked, as if knowing where Manon’s mind had wandered when she’d gone quiet. She really didn’t want to have this conversation.

She sighed, putting down the knife she was holding. «No, I haven’t told her, and I’m not going to either. Just-,» Manon didn’t know what to say, had never been good with words, had always preferred expressing herself physically, «-just be careful, okay?»

«I know, and thank you, for not saying anything I mean.» Manon smiled at her cousin, the heavy tension between them seemingly gone.

They continued their cooking in silence, but this time, it was the relaxed, calm quiet that came when you were so comfortable with being around someone that you didn’t need to talk. Manon relished the feeling, at least until Asterin opened her mouth and spoke once more, «You have some secret boyfriend too? You’ve been in a disturbingly good mood lately?»

Manon only emitted a choking sound, becoming very interested in the floor as Asterin wiggled her eyebrows at her. She could feel her face go beet red, could feel her heart being thundering, yet she didn’t answer, and she didn’t have to either, as water suddenly began to boil and Asterin had to shift her attention elsewhere.

Thank god, Manon thought, silently cursing her cousin for even daring to ask, silently cursing herself for reacting in such a way, and silently cursing a certain blue-eyed, smirky bastard for being the first person she had thought of.

-

Although it was late September, the warm summer they’d had lingered long enough for Dorian and Aelin to spend their shared free period outside, sitting by the football field.

Chaol was busy having P.E, his class running laps on the track around the field. Aelin delighted in watching them, in giving Chaol a mocking wave whenever he passed them, accompanied by a look that said, Look at me, sitting here in the sun, not running laps.

Dorian enjoyed himself too, but not because of his best friends misery. He had always loved this time of the year. When the trees turned red and yellow and brown, as if they were aflame, but it was still warm enough to bask in the sun with a good book.

Which was what Dorian was doing at this very moment. He was about halfway through Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone, and he was enjoying every second of it, especially since he would get to discuss it with Manon later that very day. Dorian desperately hoped she would like it…

Too lost in his own thoughts, Dorian didn’t realize Aelin had asked him something until she waved her hand in front of his face. «Hellooo, earth to Dorian.»

He shook his head, closing the book and carefully laying it in his backpack. «Sorry, I got a little…lost,» he mumbled, Aelin rolling her eyes. «What was your question?»

«I was just wondering what you’ve been up to lately. I know I’ve been spending less time with you and Chaol because of Rowan and all, but you seem different today, happier, more relaxed, than you’ve been for a long time.»

This was it, Dorian thought, taking a moment to ponder over what she’d said. He had to say it now. So he took a shuddering breath, before blurting out, «I’m bi.»

Dorian watched as Aelin’s eyes went wide, as her face broke out in one of the biggest grins he had ever seen, and he couldn’t help it when he let out a relieved exhale.

«Oh! That’s awesome!» Aelin exclaimed, throwing her arms around him with such force he lost his balance and had to brace an arm behind him to keep them upright. Still holding him in a bone-crushing embrace, Aelin asked, «Does Chaol know?»

Choking out something that sounded like I can’t breathe, Dorian wormed out of Aelin’s grasp, smoothing his hair that looked slightly more disheveled than it had moments ago. «Yeah, I told him last Friday,» he answered, looking towards the field, where his friend had stopped running, instead looking up at them. As if knowing exactly what was going on, Chaol gave Dorian a proud smile that made him feel all warm inside.

Dorian shifted his attention back to Aelin, cringing slightly, before saying, «Sorry I didn’t tell you first-»

«None of that,» Aelin interrupted, clicking her tongue. «Even if I am slightly offended you didn’t tell me first, I’m just glad you trust me enough to tell me at all. I’m happy for you Dorian!»

This time it was his turn to pull her into a warm embrace, although less crushing this time. «Thank you,» Dorian murmured into her hair. Aelin tightened her hold in answer.

After a while, they both pulled back, smiling softly at one another. Dorian hadn’t felt this light ever, he thought. It had been a victory, telling Chaol, but both of them knew now, he didn’t have to hide anymore. He had told both of his friends that he was bi, and yet nothing had changed. Everything was fine. No, everything was great.

Looking at Aelin, he saw that her signature smirk had appeared, her eyes glowing with mischief and playfulness. Bracing himself for what was to come next, Dorian raised an eyebrow in question.

That terrifying smirk only grew wider as Aelin said, «Does this mean we can talk about hot boys together?»

Dorian couldn’t do anything but laugh at her question, although he was sure anything could make him laugh right now. He felt so light he wondered how gravity was able to keep him grounded.

«I thought you had a boyfriend.» Aelin rolled her eyes.

«Yes, but me being on a strict Rowan Whitethorn-diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at other snacks.»

«You’re gross.»

-

«Just admit it, you love it,» Dorian teased, and had they not been sitting in a library filled with other people, Manon would have punched him. Hard.

It was Wednesday, and they were using their English lesson to compare notes. They had agreed to set this lesson as their halfway point, and Manon had read half of the book, and then some.

She wanted to hate it, she really did, but she couldn’t. Since that Saturday, Manon had found herself unable to stop reading. Her busy schedule had made it so that she only could sneak in a few pages here and there, but she read, everywhere. She read while waiting for the rest of her team to show up to dance practice, she read late at night, until she was so tired she couldn’t keep her eyes open, she had even taken up the habit of eating her lunch outside, alone, so that she could read a chapter or two in peace.

Tired as she might be, it was worth it. The story was thrilling, funny - and with no better word for it - magic. Had the circumstances been different, Manon thought, she probably would have been as much of a nerd as Dorian.

But even if she liked the book, there was no way she would admit it. Sighing, she replied, «I don’t. It’s a stupid, silly children’s story.» Manon had to bite her lip to keep her mask of boredom intact.

«Then why have you read three chapters past where we agreed?» Dorian asked, lifting an eyebrow while pointing his chin towards her book, lying in front of her with a bookmark marking a page way past the middle of the book. He was buying none of it, Manon realized, yet she couldn’t admit defeat. Never.

Manon had to look away to stop herself from smiling, to stop herself from rambling on and on about how good this book was. «Because I will be very busy the following days. Dorian only gave her a look that said Sure you will.

Dorian was about to open his mouth and say something else, but Manon beat him to it. «We should just get it over with, so you can go have your lunch-date with the librarian.» As soon as the words left her mouth, Manon realized what mistake she’d just made. Dorian looked over to the 90-year old librarian who looked like she had been in this dusty, old building since the dawn of time, and as if she’d heard what Manon said - which there was no way she could have done, Manon was fairly sure the woman was actually deaf - she winked at him. Holy shit.

The boy in front of her only gaped, before he started laughing. Dorian laughed so hard his face turned red, laughed so hard he almost fell off his chair, earning a reprimanding look from a woman sitting a few tables down. Manon scolded herself for making that joke, for showing any other emotion apart from boredom and annoyance, for revealing that she might not be as uninterested as she let on.

Once Dorian had managed to collect himself, at least a little, he said, «I never thought I would witness the mighty Manon Blackbeak make a joke.» He grinned at her, his face still red from laughing, and damn her, Manon couldn’t help but grin back.

-

Dorian hated Wednesday nights. It was the one night a week where his entire family was home, which meant he had to endure eating dinner with his entire family as well.

All joy from earlier today, from coming out to Aelin and working with Manon, disappeared as he sat at the table, listening to his brother throw another tantrum, while simultaneously shutting out his fathers voice coming from the end of the table.

He hardly spoke during these dinners, content with just eating in silence and fleeing to the peace and quiet of his room as soon as he got the chance.

Today was not one of those dinners. Dorian felt as if he was boiling with rage inside as his father kept talking, never shutting up. Apparently, gay marriage was to be legalized in some country somewhere, and his father was not happy about it.

Trying his very best to ignore out his father’s words, to ignore all the discriminating, homophobic comments that deep, arrogant voice wouldn’t stop spewing out, Dorian forced another bite down. The food felt like glue in his mouth.

After speaking to Aelin today, he had actually contemplated coming out to his parents. He had felt brave enough to do it. All that bravery disappeared the moment his father said a sentence so offensive Dorian decided he never wanted to hear it again, not even in his own head.

He felt anger and rage churn inside him, his blood turning to ice. Dorian wanted to get up and scream at his father. He imagined himself yelling, «How can you say something like that when I’m sitting right here?» But he didn’t, he kept eating, kept pushing the tears back, kept silent, feeling heavier and heavier.

-

As Manon read the final words of Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone, she couldn’t help but feel a little gloomy. It was depressing enough that she was spending her Friday night alone, reading a children’s book, but she also only had a week left of her and Dorian’s English project. The deadline had even been postponed a week, yet she was sitting here, feeling sad that it would end soon. Why are you feeling sad about that stupid project? You don’t actually like him, do you? she heard a voice inside her say. She couldn’t decide if it was her own or her grandmother’s.

Manon hated herself for admitting it, but she did enjoy spending time with Dorian. She enjoyed how easy it was to talk to him, how he made her smile and laugh, how he teased, but never mocked or judged. Had she been anyone else, she might had wanted to be his friend afterwards.

But Manon Blackbeak didn’t have friends. Friends were nothing but a distraction, and she couldn’t risk anything getting in the way of her future.

You will only end up like your mother.

It was enough that she was seriously contemplating heading to the library before dance practice tomorrow, to pick up the rest of the Harry Potter series, she didn’t need to befriend Dorian Havilliard as well.

Besides, if she let her mask fall too much, he would take one look at the broken mess she really was and bolt.

Chapter Text

Happiness hit her, like a train on a track

Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back

-Florence + The Machine, Dog Days Are Over

This is not going to be a good day, Manon thought, standing in the girls' bathroom, washing her hands. She was already late for class, but she had gotten her period this morning, and it had apparently decided to be a bitch this month.

Not only had she been kept up half the night with cramps so bad it felt like she’d been gutted, she had also finally fallen asleep right before her alarm was supposed to ring, and thus slept through it. She had barely made it to school on time, but then she’d had to make a detour to the bathroom, and now she was five minutes late to class.

«Hey.» Manon jumped slightly at the familiar voice, looking up to meet Elide Lochan’s eyes through the mirror. I do not have the time for this right now, she decided. She was sure she’d been alone, but turns out some God was playing some sick joke on her today.

Manon focused intently on her hands, refusing to meet Elide’s gaze. If she ignored her long enough, she would surely leave her alone.

Seconds or minutes or hours passed, but Elide didn’t leave, she only stepped up to the other sink and started washing her own hands.

«How are you?» Elide asked, a hint of hope in her voice. Manon didn’t answer, just kept rubbing her hands, the skin going red. «I’m doing good, thanks for asking,» Elide said after what felt like an eternity filled with awkward silence. There was a certain bite to her voice that hadn’t been there before. She really didn’t have the time for this bullshit.

Manon abruptly turned off the sink, grabbed her bag and practically sprinted towards the door. As her hand touched the handle, Elide spoke behind her again. «You can talk to me, you know. I can see that something is wrong.»

Manon’s whole body froze, her throat bobbing once. «You don’t know shit,» she hissed, not recognizing the cold, vicious voice she was speaking with. There was nothing wrong with her, nothing wrong with her life.

Yet her mind wandered back to when her grandmother had gotten home last night. The woman had been in a foul mood, had let all her anger out on Manon, her palm hitting Manon’s cheek so hard it had kept throbbing for hours after. She had even left a bruise this time, a bruise Manon had tried her very best to conceal. Could Elide see it?

When they were kids, Manon sometimes wished she could come and live with Elide’s family. Elide’s parents could adopt her, she could take Abraxos with her, she knew they wouldn’t mind and then she and Elide would be like sisters, could share a room, could play together every day. She saw how Elide’s mother smiled and laughed, how she looked at her daughter with nothing but love in her eyes, how she asked about her day and made her dinner and read her bedtime stories. Manon had usually felt all awkward and uncomfortable whenever Elide’s mother did those things for her.

Once, when Manon had slept over, and they couldn’t have been older than 6, she’d been woken up by a nightmare, and had gone into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Elide’s mom had found her, and Manon had been terrified that the woman would yell at her, she’d started shaking, her heart thundering, had started rambling out apologies. But Elide’s mother hadn’t yelled, hadn’t gotten mad, she had embraced Manon, asking her what was wrong. Manon had told her all about the nightmare, and Elide’s mom had led her back to bed, singing to her until she fell asleep. When Manon had come home from the sleepover the very next day, she had told her grandmother about the nightmare, about Elide’s mom, had asked her why she never sang to her like that. That had been the first time her grandmother had hit her.

Shaking off the memory, still so clear after all these years, Manon made to push the door open, mumbling «I’m late for class.» Elide stepped in front of her, blocking her way.

«Can we just talk?» Manon met her eyes then, and she felt a wave of rage rise in her at what she saw. Pity. Elide was looking at her, and there was pity shining in her eyes.

«Move.»

«Manon-»

«Why can’t you just take the fucking hint and leave me the fuck alone? I’m done with you and your bullshit, can’t you see that?» She was shouting now, but she didn’t care, not as Elide went quiet, shrinking slightly under her deadly glare.

Not bothering to hear her response, Manon showed the girl aside and hurried, not towards the chemistry lab, but the exit. School could go fuck itself. The whole damn world could go fuck itself.

-

The moment he heard the cackling sound come from her mouth, Dorian decided that hearing Manon Blackbeak laugh, even if it was caused by his own humiliation, was the most beautiful sound in the whole world.

They had been in the middle of recording their podcast when he had said something that must have sounded like «Hey Siri», because all of a sudden his phone lit up and then a female, robotic voice said, «Hello Dorian, what can I help you with?»

When Dorian realized what had happened, he’d rushed to turn off his phone, knocking a bottle of water off the table in the process. His cheeks had been burning, his face turning beet red. He’d expected Manon to be furious, he had ruined their recording after all, and this one would have been perfect, had he not been a clumsy idiot and forgotten to turn off his phone.

And Manon hadn’t gotten angry, no, her eyes had first widened in shock, then, when it finally dawned upon her what had actually happened, she had started laughing, laughing so hard her face turned red, then purple, and she had to hold on to the table with one arm to not fall off her chair. Manon was always beautiful, but when she laughed like this, she was bewitching.

«Oh my god,» Manon managed to choke out between fits of laughter. «This is the greatest thing I have ever experienced. You should have seen your face-» And then the cackling broke out anew as she apparently remembered exactly what his face had looked like.

Dorian said nothing, just sat there waiting for her to finish laughing so they could make the recording once more. Hopefully he wouldn’t fuck it up this time.

«I’m so sorry,» Manon said at last, her hysterical laughter turning into a soft giggle. Dorian didn’t mind that sound either. The girl in front of him gathered up the notes that lay scattered all over the table, pressing the reset-button on the recorder. «You ready?»

In some miraculous way, they made it all the way through this time. Dorian might have been a stuttering, blushing mess, but there were no interruptions, no errors, no random fits of laughter, and as they listened to it, he had to admit it actually sounded pretty good.

Manon drummed her fingers against the table and nodded a few times. «I’ll be surprised if we don’t get an A on this,» she said, sounding pleased with their work. Dorian felt a surge of pride go through him.

«We’re a good team,» he told Manon, suddenly feeling sad that the project was over.

She was smiling, but as soon as he said those words, that smile faltered, and her face got an expression Dorian couldn’t read. Abruptly standing up, Manon began to gather up her things, tossing them into her bag with hurried movements.

«Well, thanks for everything. See you never I guess,» Manon mumbled, refusing to meet his gaze. She was about to walk out the door when Dorian stepped forward and grabbed her wrist, trying to stop her.

Manon looked down at where their hands touched, and then pulled back her arm as if he had burned her. When she looked up at him, there was nothing but rage in her eyes.

«I’m sorry, I-» Dorian begun, but he didn’t know what to say next. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted, either. The only thing he was sure of, was that the «see you never» didn’t sit right with him.

Crossing her arms, Manon waited for him to say something.

Dorian cleared his throat and said, «This doesn’t have to be the end, you know? We can still be friends.» He looked down at his shoes, unable to meet her eyes. Gods, he was even blushing.

«I don’t have time for this,» Manon said, turning to leave once more. Dorian reached behind her and closed the door. She was seething now, hands closed in tight fists. «The audacity-»

«We’ve had fun these past weeks, right? Who says it has to end?» Dorian pushed, not letting her finish. Manon merely scoffed, as if she had no idea what he was talking about.

«And we can keep discussing the books, because I know for a fact you were reading Prisoner of Azkaban at lunch yesterday.»

-

Fuck.

Manon had no idea what she was doing right now. She knew the wise choice would be to just leave and do her best to never talk to him again. Knew all of this was a bad idea.

Yet you still stand here, listening to what he has to say.

«You don’t know anything,» Manon breathed. Their eyes met, and Dorian had that annoyingly smug look on his face. Don’t I? his eyes seemed to say. He was winning this, they both knew it.

Had his eyes always been this blue?

Dorian took a step closer, and suddenly he was too close, too near. Manon’s back hit the wall with a quiet thud as she tried to step away. «What’ve you got to lose?»

Everything, she wanted to say. Manon Blackbeak didn’t do friends. Friends were nothing but a silly distraction, a distraction she didn’t need, couldn’t afford. This was her senior year, and she had to focus-

It had felt so good when he made her laugh earlier. She’d been in a pissy mood after the fight with Elide, but then she and Dorian had worked on the podcast, and he’d messed up the recording, and the whole thing had been so ridiculous she’d broken into a fit of laughter so bad the muscles in her stomach still ached a little.

Being with Dorian felt like dancing, like flying.

What’ve you got to lose?

His words echoed in her mind, and maybe it was the laughing, maybe it was the talking, maybe it was the fact that she’d never felt this free, this light.

Manon let out an exaggerated sigh. «Fine.»

-

As her phone vibrated for the fourth time that evening, Manon eventually put down her book and walked over to the cluttered desk to see who was texting her. She wasn’t surprised to see they were all from Dorian.

Dorian: Wanna hangout tomorrow? 22:37

Dorian: Do you go to bed this early? How do you have time to do anything? 23:06

Dorian: You’re ignoring me, aren’t you? 23:23

Dorian: :(( 23:35

«Idiot,» Manon whispered to no one in particular as she slung herself down on the messy bed. She really needed to tidy her room soon. Abraxos seemed to agree, since he had decided to sleep on a t-shirt she’d tossed on the floor instead of sleeping in her bed.

Manon smiled to herself as another message ticked in.

Dorian: I can see that you’re online now, so I KNOW you’re ignoring me! 23:39

Dorian: RUDE 23:40

Manon chuckled as she typed in her answer. What harm could a little innocent fun do?

Manon: Maybe I was too distracted by your breathtaking marvelousness to answer? 23:42

His answer came immediately, and Manon hated how it made her pulse quicken.

Dorian: Who are you and what have you done to Manon?!?!? 23:42

Dorian: Type 1 if you are being held hostage. 23:43

Manon: Haha, very funny. I already regret this friend-thing. 23:44

Dorian: Sure you do:):) I bet you’ve been thinking off me all day, missing my breathtaking marvelousness;);) 23:46

What was the deal with all the emojis? Manon honestly did not understand.

Manon: Creep. 23:46

Dorian: But for real, do you wanna hangout tomorrow? 23:47

Say yes, a voice inside her said. And she wanted to, damn it.

Manon: What’s in it for me? 23:48

Manon knew how stupid this was. If her grandmother ever found out-

Dorian: You get to spend time with me:))) 23:49

Rolling her eyes, Manon put her phone aside for a moment. She needed to think, needed to clear her mind, needed to really consider what she was getting herself into. She didn’t have friends, couldn’t let anyone see her for who she was. She was a weak, pathetic, broken mess, and-

Do you seriously think anyone would want you?

Her grandmother’s words echoed in her mind, and Manon was shocked to find that they made her feel angry. It wasn’t fair, to feel such things towards her grandmother, who only wanted her to succeed in life, only wanted what was best for her.

Yet Manon picked up her phone, her heart thundering in her chest, and typed in an answer. She didn’t wait for his respond, throwing away her phone and burying herself under her many blankets. He was probably done waiting anyway, had probably fallen asleep already.

Manon: Fine we can hangout tomorrow. As friends. 00:13

Dorian: It’s a date;) 00:13

Chapter Text

Sometimes I wish for falling

Wish for the release

Wish for falling through the air

To give me some relief

-Florence + The Machine, Falling

«So what did you do yesterday? Since you’re doing your homework last minute.» Dorian looked up from his math homework to find Manon taking him in with an amused expression.

They were sitting in the busy coffee shop a few blocks from school, spending their shared free period eating lunch together. Or, Manon was eating lunch while Dorian tried his very best to finish the homework he’d forgotten to do last night.

A few weeks had passed since the two of them had agreed to be friends, and almost immediately they’d fallen into a rhythm. They got coffee after school, they hung out during free periods, they met up at the library to do homework together. Manon still claimed she only did this so Dorian would stop bugging her, but she’d been the one suggesting they go out for lunch today.

«Erhm-,» Dorian begun, debating whether the truth would make her laugh or make him lose his last shred of dignity or both, even. Fuck it, he decided and confidently stated, «I was up watching Riverdale.» If you’re losing your dignity, better do it with swagger.

It took Manon a while to actually register what he’d said, but when she did, she set down her coffee and let out a snort. A snort that quickly turned into her lilting cackle. One thing Dorian had learned over these past few weeks was that nothing made her laugh harder than his suffering, and to be honest, Dorian didn’t mind. Not at all. She was adorable when she laughed.

«You didn’t mean that? Right?» Manon asked, suddenly all serious. «Please tell me you’re joking.» Dorian shot her a confused look.

«That show is literal trash,» she kept going once she realized Dorian had in fact not been kidding. «Sorry I changed my mind we’re not friends anymore, sorry, bye.» Manon even went as far as to start gathering up her things, but the barely-there smile playing on her lips told Dorian she was very much enjoying this.

«You just have to give it a try, it’s not that bad,» Dorian said, Manon sitting back down across from him. As he noticed a faint blush spreading on her cheeks, something in his head clicked into place. «You’ve watched it, haven’t you?»

Rolling her eyes, Manon answered, «Yes, but it was years ago. I watched a few episodes with Asterin.» Upon seeing Dorian’s smug expression, she quickly added, «Unwillingly.»

If it had been years ago…This time, Dorian was the one to break out into uncontrollable laughter. Oh my god, he thought, clutching his stomach. «You thought the first season was bad??» he managed to choke out. Manon only looked at him with a dumbfounded expression, having no idea what was so funny.

«I would give anything to see you watch season three and four. That’s when it really gets ridiculous,» Dorian explained, his laughter finally dying down. Manon chuckled and shook her head, returning to her half-full cup of coffee.

She stared out the window, and Dorian allowed himself to take her in, if only for a moment. There had been more and more of these moments over the past few weeks. Moments where she was looking a different way, moments where Dorian couldn’t stop his eyes from landing on her, moments where he found it impossible to look away.

Dorian hadn’t let himself think about what it meant. Manon had been very clear from the beginning that they were only friends, and they would never be more than that.

Manon was like the sun, Dorian had decided. You knew you shouldn’t stare at it, but that was the exact reason why you did, why it was so hard to look away.

«Okay, but apart from Riverdale, have you watched anything good? I don’t watch much TV, but…» She never finished the sentence, seemingly lost in her own mind. Manon did that sometimes, trailing off to gods knew where. Dorian was certain it was a beautiful place.

Taking some time to think, Dorian tried to come up with a good show, sorting through the catalogue in his mind for something it was likely she had watched. Suddenly he thought of how she had loved reading a fantasy series, how eager she got whenever they discussed history or mythology. Hesitantly, he suggested, «Game of Thrones?» Manon’s eyes lit up.

«Yes!» She put down her empty cup. «Oh that was so good-»

«-apart from the final season,» Dorian finished.

A sigh. «Jon Snow deserved better.»

«I know. His storyline was a tragedy.»

Manon bit her lip, sinking further into her chair. «You know, I only started watching it because I thought he was hot.» She blushed, and Dorian couldn’t help but chuckle. «I stayed for the plot though. I swear!»

Same, Dorian nearly blurted out, before a voice in his head reminded him, Manon doesn’t know you’re bi. He wasn’t going to think about this now, so he shook his head and forced his signature smirk to appear, ignoring the sinking feeling in his gut.

«I still can’t get over the fact that you drink chocolate Frappuccinos with extra cream.» Smooth, Dorian, it definitely does not seem like you’re avoiding the subject of your shared fictional crush.

«Why?» she chuckled. «You expect me to order my coffee extra bitter so it matches my soul? While we’re at it, let me just gather up my things and head home to my cottage in the woods where I fly around on broomsticks and brew weird shit in cauldrons. My black cat must be tired of waiting.»

They were both laughing now, Manon’s dark, wicked sense of humor still taking him by surprise. «For real though, what do you do when you’re not at school or at dance practice?»

«Uhm,» Manon looked down at her shoes, suddenly uncomfortable. They hardly talked about serious stuff, private stuff. Dorian was ready to change the subject once more, but then she spoke: «I listen to music a lot, I guess.» A shrug.

«Anything good?»

«Doubt it, you seem like the type to listen to mainstream shit.»

«Please. And I bet your music isn’t as special as you think.»

«I bet you don’t know half of the stuff I listen to.»

«Why don’t you give me some examples?»

«Why don’t I send you a playlist when I get home?»

«Can’t wait,» Dorian smiled.

-

Gods, how difficult could it be to make a playlist?

Manon had been sitting with her laptop for an hour now, scrolling through her endless Spotify library to find the perfect songs. Nothing too mainstream, nothing too personal, nothing too impersonal. This was one hell of a challenge, she decided.

After narrowing it down to twenty songs she loved, after finding the perfect balance between upbeat and slow, between sad and happy, after meticulously arranging the order, making it not only a playlist, but a musical experience, Manon decided this would have to do.

Why do you care so much? She didn’t dare answer the question, too afraid of what the answer might mean. This was just her sending a friend a casual playlist.

Except it wasn’t. Nothing about her music was casual. It meant everything to her. Manon listened to music when she was happy, when she was sad, angry, whenever she felt lost and needed to be pointed back in the right direction. She listened to music when she was dancing, dreaming, disappearing. If one listened closely, her music revealed all her secrets, all her feelings, and for Manon, who was used to keeping it hidden away, locked in a box deep inside herself, sharing that with someone was terrifying.

But what terrified her the most right now, was that she actually wanted to share her music with Dorian. Being with him always left her feeling light and happy, she had started craving that feeling like a drug. And today…today when he had made her laugh so hard she’d had to set down her half-empty cup so as to not drop it, for a moment, Manon had imagined what it would be like to just lean in and kiss him. It would have been so easy, would have felt so good.

She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that moment, about what it meant. Was she falling for him? Was she actually that stupid?

The only solution, really, was to stop hanging out with him, to ignore her feelings until they went away. So why haven’t you done it yet? Why do you keep going back?

Besides, even if she wanted to be more than friends, there was no way he felt the same way. Sure, he kept joking about how their meet-ups were dates, but that’s all it was, a joke. Being in a relationship with Dorian also meant letting him see who she was up-close, and as soon as he saw the broken, messed up truth, he surely would want nothing to do with her. Better to spare herself the heartbreak.

Ugh, feelings.

Manon decided it was too late to brood over such complex questions. Instead, she typed a quick message to Dorian, linked the playlist and hit send before she could change her mind.

Manon: Here’s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order. 22:03

And just like that it was done. Manon waited a few minutes for a reply and when none came, she quietly said to herself, «Girl, get your shit together.»

She stood up, stretched, and stepped out of her room to turn of all the lights, ready to just go to sleep. Asterin still hadn’t come home, but it was late, so she probably wouldn’t show up at all. What a surprise, Manon thought to herself.

When she reached the living room, she spied Abraxos staring at her from one of the couches. Manon turned of the lights and the creature immediately leapt to where she was standing in the hallway. «What kind of cat is afraid of the dark?» Manon asked her companion, sighing at his antics. Abraxos only stared up at her as if she was the stupid one.

It was true that the cat was afraid of the dark. Ever since he was a kitten, Abraxos simply refused to be alone in a room if the lights were off. Manon found it equally confusing and adorable.

She walked back to her bedroom, Abraxos trailing her like a shadow the entire time. Laying back down on the bed, Manon picked up her phone to see if Dorian had texted back yet. She couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when there was no new messages.

«Calm down, it’s not as if he’s looking at his phone at all hours, just waiting for you to text him, you creep,» she said to herself.

Instead of waiting, she opened Spotify, plugged in her earphones, and pressed play on the list she’d just sent Dorian, contempt to shut out the world for a little while.

-

That afternoon, when he’d gotten home from school, Dorian had waited, and waited, and waited, for a text from Manon, including a certain playlist she had promised him. He’d stared at his phone for hours, like some creep, hoping her name would pop up.

Around 10pm he’d given up and opted for spending some electronics-free quality time with his family. His mom’s suggestion, not his. Dorian had lasted about 20 minutes, before he once again fled to his room.

Leaving his phone alone had worked it’s magic though, because when he reunited with it, there was a text from Manon waiting to be opened. He was so eager he typed the wrong passcode. Twice.

Manon: Here’s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order. 22:03

The text was written in typical Manon-style. No spelling errors, perfect language, no emojis, only periods. What kind of teen only used periods when they texted? Manon never seized to surprise him.

Dorian opened the link, finding a playlist full of songs and artists he’d never heard of before. Told you. He could almost hear Manon’s voice say it, a smug smile playing on her lips.

Plugging his earphones in, Dorian leaned back and pressed play. In the right order, obviously.

-

About an hour later, as the final song died out into nothing, Dorian let out a long exhale, giving himself a moment to just be.

He didn’t know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. It was all so personal, so full of emotion and passion. The complete opposite of what he would have expected from Manon.

Dorian knew this was important. He had been shown a vital part of her, a part he suspected she hadn’t shown anyone before.

Who are you?

It was a question he had asked himself over and over again over the past few weeks. Manon was a mystery, a puzzle, and all that music, all that insight, felt like the most important piece of them all.

Who are you?

Yet he wasn’t sure if this had given him answers, or more questions.

-

Manon listened through the entire playlist without being able to fall a sleep. She had too much on her mind, too many thoughts churning in her head.

Her phone buzzed from the nightstand, and Manon sat up abruptly, knocking over a stack of books as she fumbled around for her phone. They landed on the floor with a bang, waking Abraxos from his carefree slumber in the process. The cat jumped and glared at Manon, then turned his back towards her, settling down once more. Manon did the mature thing and stuck out her tongue at him.

She’d nearly forgotten about the phone in her hand, but glancing down at the screen, she saw Dorian’s name, her heartbeat quickening in response.

Dorian: Sorry for not replying til now but I heard through the entire thing and fine you were right I hadn’t heard any of it before and yes you do have fantastic taste in music pls send me more!!!!! 23:41

Manon chuckled at his enthusiasm, pleased at having been right. She was about to type a response when she heard the front door open, then the sound of someone trying to stay quiet as they made their way through the house. Asterin.

She expected her cousin to go straight to her own room, but instead, Asterin stopped in front of Manon’s door, slowly pushing it open. She must’ve thought Manon was asleep, because she jumped slightly when she found Manon sitting upright, taking her in with curiosity and annoyance.

«I’m s-sorry, I thought you were sleeping,» Asterin whispered, her voice cracking. The sound of shuffling feet. A sniffle. Was Asterin crying?

Asterin walked over to Manon’s bed, and Manon made room for her, sliding under the covers. Asterin soon joined her, and neither said a word, Asterin’s soft crying filling the room.

«Did something happen?» Manon asked at last, unable to handle her cousin’s crying for much longer.

«You can’t tell her,» Asterin sobbed, burying her head in the mountain of pillows.

«Can’t tell her what?» Manon knew Asterin meant their grandmother, the heavy feeling in her stomach told her so. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear the answer. It couldn’t be anything good. Had she and Hunter broken up? Had someone hurt her?

Asterin furiously shook her head. «You have to promise, Manon. She c-can’t find out!»

«I promise,» Manon sighed, clearly uncomfortable. She’d never been good at dealing with crying people.

Still, Manon let Asterin creep closer, let her bury her face in the space between Manon’s neck and shoulder. Putting her arms around her shaking, crying cousin, Manon asked once more, «What’s wrong, Asterin?»

Asterin went completely still, not saying anything. Manon waited, waited to the point where she was sure her cousin had fallen asleep.

As Manon closed her own eyes, Asterin whispered something that made Manon go rigid, the words so quiet you could barely make them out.

«I’m pregnant.»

«Shit,» was all Manon could answer. She tried her hardest not to think about what their grandmother would do if she found out, panic spreading throughout her body.

Asterin started sobbing once more, so Manon began stroking her back, telling her to breathe, telling her to calm down, pushing aside her own worry and fear, for now. «It’s going to be okay,» she whispered to Asterin, not believing her own words one bit.

Chapter Text

I know that you’re hiding

I know there’s a part of you that I just cannot reach

You don’t have to let me in

-Florence + The Machine, Hiding

«Asterin, stop.»

Manon’s cousin turned at the angry tone, stopping on her way out the door. She was schooling her features into the usual look of ignorant bliss, and it annoyed Manon to no end. How the hell could she pretend to be so calm when the world was turned upside down three weeks ago?

«What?» Asterin replied, smiling as if everything was fine. Manon pretended not to see how the smile faltered slightly, how Asterin’s jaw visibly tightened, her breath quickening. A crack in the perfect foundation.

Crossing her arms, Manon leaned against the wall, giving her cousin a glare. «We need to talk,» Manon said, her voice demanding.

She couldn’t believe how three weeks had passed, and they still hadn’t talked about the fact that Asterin had been knocked up by her boyfriend. The morning after finding out the news, Manon had woken up to an empty house and a note from Asterin saying she was at Hunter’s. The following three weeks Asterin had managed to never stay in the same room as Manon for long enough to have a proper conversation. It was infuriating.

«Talk about what?» Astrerin replied, a sickening look of confusion on her face.

«You know perfectly well what I’m talking about.»

«That’s not your problem to worry about.» Asterin was about to pick up her bag and head out the door once more, but Manon managed to slam it shut in time, blocking her cousin’s path.

«It became my problem the second you asked me to hide it from our grandmother,» Manon hissed at her. «You can’t just come into my room in the middle of the night, crying, and tell me that you’re pregnant, for then to pretend nothing happened!»

Asterin still faced the door, avoiding Manon’s eyes. «I am dealing with it,» she whispered, finally turning around.

Manon’s anger faded a little at the look of utter defeat on her cousin’s face. Her whole body sagged against the closed door, silver lining her eyes.

«Do you-» Manon hesitated, letting out a long sigh, «Do you need me to go with you? To the appointment?»

«What appointment?» The confusion on Asterin’s face was real this time.

«The abortion?»

Manon might as well have slapped her cousin by the way her head shot up, eyes narrowed, mouth formed into a tight line, hands balled into fists.

«You’re not keeping it, are you? Are you insane?!» Manon yelled. She couldn’t believe they were even having this conversation.

«That’s none of your business,» Asterin said, voice cold. And the way she was staring down Manon…she had never felt so small.

«You’re seventeen!» Manon was certain her cousin had actually lost her mind. She couldn’t be serious about this. A baby…they were still, technically, children themselves. And if their grandmother found out, when their grandmother found out…

Shaking her head, Asterin said, «So? And for the millionth time, this isn’t your problem. I can-»

«It is my problem when you expect me to lie to our grandmother every day! It is my problem when I have to explain why you’re hurling your guts up every morning, or why you’re never around anymore! Do you want me to keep lying when your belly gets all round? Or when you have an actual, living baby to take care of?»

Manon was screaming now, but she didn’t care.

«You’re not gonna tell her, are you?» Asterin looked scared, and Manon could see that she was shaking a little. Manon was shaking too, but not with fear.

«I-» Manon began, groaning in frustration. «I just don’t know what you think is gonna happen? You’ll just have a baby at seventeen and then you and Hunter and your baby will be a happy little family? That’s not how the world works.»

Asterin was tapping her foot against the floor, clearly pissed. «My mom was only seventeen when she had me.»

«And you see how well that went…How long has it been since she called you, Asterin?»

The words slipped from her mouth before she had time to think. It was a low blow, and Manon knew it. Unlike Manon, Asterin actually knew her mother, had lived with her for eight years, until the woman one day just dropped Asterin off at her grandmother’s house. In the beginning, she often called, even visited, but Manon had no idea when Asterin had last heard from her mother. It wasn’t something they talked about.

Her cousin’s eyes were focused on the floor, and when she finally looked up, her expression cold and empty, it sent a chill down Manon’s spine.

«I’m gonna go now, before I say something I’ll regret.» Asterin’s voice was devoid of any emotion.

«And where are you going?» Manon breathed.

«To be with my boyfriend, who actually cares about how I feel.»

Manon tried calling after her, but Asterin was out the door in a heartbeat, nearly slamming it in Manon’s face.

They couldn’t keep going like this. It was driving her crazy, the hiding, the lying, the tiptoeing. All of it, just to postpone the inevitable.

Because their grandmother was bound to find out at some point, and when she did, all hell would break loose. Manon could feel it, the wave of impending doom, coming closer and closer.

What was Asterin thinking? She was ruining her life. Everything their grandmother had done for them, to make sure they got into college, to make sure they didn’t end up like their own mothers - one of them dead and the other doing god knows what - and Asterin was throwing it all away.

Letting out another groan of frustration, Manon slammed her fists against the wall, head following suit. How could she? How could Asterin put them in this situation?

All the stress and guilt and worrying was eating her alive. She’d stopped sleeping at night, couldn’t focus at dance practice anymore, could barely keep up with her classes.

She had also began avoiding Dorian. Had outright ghosted him from the moment Asterin crawled into her bed, crying.

Thinking about it, she had been acting a lot like Asterin, with the way she refused to talk to him, never staying in the same room as Dorian for long enough to have a proper conversation.

It had been a mistake, all of it. The texting, the hanging out, the fucking playlist!

He’d stopped texting her about a week ago. Picking up her phone, Manon began scrolling through the thread.

Manon: Here’s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order.

Dorian: Sorry for not replying til now but I heard through the entire thing and fine you were right I hadn’t heard any of it before and yes you do have fantastic taste in music pls send me more!!!!!

Dorian: Are u awake?

Dorian: I listened to your playlist again…Damn you have good taste in music;)

Dorian: You left the classroom so quick today I didn’t have the time to talk to you, wanna get lunch?

Dorian: I really liked that playlist….

Dorian: Can we talk? Whenever you’re available…

Dorian: Have I done something wrong?

Dorian: Pls just answer me…

Dorian: I’m gonna stop texting you now, but I’m here if you ever wanna talk about what the fuck is going on…

Manon felt awful for avoiding him like this, not even giving him an explanation, but her life was a complete mess, and it was better to end things before Dorian realized it too. It would hurt less that way.

But Manon thought about him often. Missed him, even. She tried not to think about what it might mean.

Footsteps sounded outside, and thinking it was Asterin, Manon whirled around to confront her cousin once more, only to be met by the stern eyes of her grandmother.

The surprise must have been written on Manon’s face, because the woman in front of her said, «Expecting someone else?»

«No, I was just surprised. I thought you were coming home tomorrow,» Manon said, quickly shaking her head.

Her grandmother looked her over, always searching, assessing, judging. «And how have things been going while I was away?»

Plastering a reassuring smile on her face, Manon replied, «Good. The usual. I got an A on that history test I told you about.»

«Hm,» was her grandmothers only response, Manon’s smile faltering. «And the dancing?»

Manon swallowed, looking at her feet. «Getting there.»

«That is not good enough, and you know it, Manon.» She still didn’t look at her grandmother.

«I know, I’ll do better, I promise. It’s just…school has been very stressful lately.»

«That is not an acceptable excuse.»

«Yes, grandmother. I’ll do better.» Her heart was racing, palms sweaty.

«LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!» Flinching, Manon lifted her head, focusing her eyes on the wall beside her grandmother, unable to meet the furious stare.

The woman stormed over to where Manon was standing, grabbing her chin so hard Manon was sure it would bruise. Manon finally willed her eyes to meet those of her grandmother.

«Pathetic, utterly pathetic,» her grandmother said, voice low. She clicked her tongue, and let go of Manon.

«I will go into my office now, and when I come back out, you better be out of sight.»

And with that, she was gone, her office door slamming shut.

Bringing her arms around herself to stop the shaking, Manon couldn’t help the sigh of relief escaping her lips.

At least she hadn’t asked about Asterin.

-

Standing in front of Aelin’s house, Dorian had no idea how he’d actually gotten there. All he knew, was that he couldn’t take more of his parents’ fighting, that he had to get out, had to rant about it to someone.

The past three weeks had been stressful, to say the least. His parents were fighting more than ever and the load of homework, tests and assignments they were given at school seemed to never end.

Then there was Manon…Out of the blue, she’d stopped talking to him, stopped responding to his texts, making sure they never stayed in the same room for long.

He had tried catching up with her after class, had tried approaching her in the hallway, but he’d been unsuccessful. At least until today.

«Can we talk?»

Manon startled, turning around to find Dorian leaning against the lockers.

«I’m late for class,» she mumbled, eyes on the floor.

«Bullshit,» Dorian said, crossing his arms. «Class starts in 15 minutes.»

«I can’t-» Manon began, but she never finished, instead turning around once more to leave him.

Fuck, Dorian thought, chasing her through the hallway like some stalker.

«Manon! Wait!» he called after her, trying to keep up with her fast pace. She finally stopped right before the door to their classroom, tapping her foot impatiently.

«Can we just talk? Please.» She still didn’t look at him.

Dorian sighed, trying to meet her gaze. «Did I do something wrong?»

«No,» she whispered, the word barely audible. Manon looked up, but her eyes still didn’t meet his.

She looked tired, dark circles framing those golden eyes. And they weren’t their usual, glowing color today, more like a dulled version of it.

Unease settled deep in Dorian’s stomach. Carefully, he asked, «Did something happen?»

«What makes you think that?» she asked hurriedly, her tone angry. Her eyes finally met his, shooting him a deadly glare.

Before Dorian had the chance to explain, Manon said, «I don’t have time to play friends with you, which I told you, so please stop bothering me, and leave me the fuck alone!»

Dorian couldn’t move, could only stare as she turned around and walked away.

He had known for a while what he felt for her. Had known he wanted to be more than just friends. Had hoped they could be more than friends.

But Dorian just stood there, leaning against the wall, and watched that hope disappear into the crowd along with a white ponytail.

That conversation was maybe the biggest reason why he was now knocking on Aelin’s door. Dorian desperately needed advice, the kind only Aelin could give.

«Dorian! What are you doing here?»

Lost in his brooding, Dorian hadn’t noticed Aelin opening the door. She made her way over to him, pulling him into a tight hug.

Drawing apart, Dorian saw that she was wearing her boots and jacket. «You’re on your way out, aren’t you?»

Aelin shook her head, her eyes worried as she took in his somber state. «I was gonna meet Rowan, but I think you need me more right now.»

Dorian was about to protest, but Aelin beat him to it. «He’ll understand.»

With that, he followed her inside, escaping the chilly autumn wind. There was no point in arguing with his friend, she was the most stubborn person he knew.

Dragging him into the kitchen, Aelin asked, «Is it an ‘eat ice cream and cry’ kind of crisis you’re having?»

«I think so,» he said, but Aelin was already digging through the freezer, not bothering to wait for an answer.

«Dorian! Haven’t seen you in a while,» Evalin Ashryver Galathynius said as she made her way into the kitchen, cheery as ever.

«Weren’t you gonna see Rowan?» Aelin’s mom asked her daughter while pouring herself a glass of wine.

«Change of plans,» Aelin shrugged.

«Good. I missed having Dorian around.» As she said that, she squeezed his shoulder, the gesture so motherly Dorian had to try very hard not to cry.

He had always been jealous of how affectionate Aelin’s parents were, so unlike his own.

«Is school busy these days?» Aelin gave him a warning glare, as if to say, «Don’t answer that! She’ll never stop talking!»

Dorian looked Aelin straight in the eye as he smirked and said, «Very.»

Evelin leaned against the counter, sipping her drink. «Ugh, you kids have so much pressure these days.» Aelin rolled her eyes.

«I mean it, when I was in high school-,»

«Here she goes…» Aelin said, low enough for only Dorian to hear.

«I can’t remember us ever sitting up half the night with homework. We got to be wild teenagers, you know, your dad and I-»

«Okay, we don’t wanna hear about you and dad, bye mom!» Aelin said as she bolted out of the room, grabbing Dorian’s hand and pulling him with her.

«Wait!» Evalin called after them. The pair turned to see her holding the bottle of wine.

«If you promise to not tell your father, you can have what’s left of this.» Aelin’s mother winked at the wicked grin appearing on her daughter’s face.

Aelin snatched the bottle, yelling «THANKS MOM YOU’RE THE BEST!» while making her way towards her room. Dorian followed suit, shutting the door.

«So, spill,» Aelin said, flinging herself down on the bed.

«I don’t know, it’s just been a lot, lately,» Dorian sighed, not knowing where to even begin.

«Your parents fighting again?»

That was one of the things he loved the most about Aelin. She always seemed to know what he was thinking, voicing the difficult words so he didn’t have to do it himself.

He let his head fall into his hands, groaning. «I know it’s awful, but sometimes I wish they would just get divorced.»

Aelin gave him a grim smile, passing him the wine bottle. Dorian took a sip, grimacing at the bitter taste.

Searching him with her gaze, Aelin said quietly, «But that’s not the only thing on your mind, is it?» Damn her, and her ability to see right through him.

Dorian took a deep breath, before saying, «I made a new friend…»

«A friend, huh?» Aelin gave him a knowing smile, and Dorian could feel his cheeks turning pink.

«Yes, a friend,» he said, punctuating the last word. «We’ve been hanging out a lot, and for a while it was all great, but then she suddenly stopped talking to me and I don’t know why.»

Hard as it was, it felt good to let it all out.

«Wait, you said she? Is it someone I know,» Aelin asked, raising an eyebrow. Dorian tried handing her the wine, but she shook her head, giving him a look that said, You need it more than I do.

Dorian thought about it for a long second, debating whether he should tell Aelin the truth or not. He recalled her words from earlier, «I had PE with her last year, and I swear to god, she has the emotional range of a teaspoon.»

Remembering that comment, he suddenly felt a wave of anger rush through him. Aelin had been wrong. In fact, he was certain Manon felt more than most people.

When he didn’t answer, Aelin pushed further, «Is it someone from school?»

«It’s Manon Blackbeak,» he mumbled, words barely audible.

But Aelin had heard him, because she jumped up, a look of utter disbelief on her face. «You’ve been hanging out with MANON BLACKBEAK!?!?»

«Do you have to yell?» Dorian whispered, but Aelin didn’t hear him.

«HOW?!» she yelled even louder, throwing her arms in the air.

Giving her a glare, Dorian said, «If you please calm down, I’ll tell you everything.»

And he did, from the very beginning. Dorian told her about the project, about the bantering, about the hanging out, about the playlist, all of it, and Aelin stayed unusually still the entire time.

When he was done, she looked up at him and said, «She does seem like the person to do just that. Letting you think you’re friends and then just cut you out.»

«But you don’t know her,» Dorian tried. Aelin merely gave him a pointed look that said, And you do?

Dorian shrugged. «She didn’t seem like herself earlier today. Something was bothering her…But who knows, maybe she simply learned how much of a socially awkward loser I actually am and decided I wasn’t worth it.»

He had no idea where that last part came from, but it felt good to say it out loud.

«Oh, Dorian! Don’t you ever think that,» Aelin told him, shaking her head. «You’re literally one of the most amazing people I know, and anyone who gets to have you as their friend is the luckiest person in the world.» She was all serious, stern, even.

Holding back the tears gathering in his eyes, Dorian pulled Aelin into a tight hug. «Thank you,» he whispered.

«No problem. And if something was bothering her, I’m sure she’ll come talk to you again when she’s ready.» Aelin bit her lip, hesitating. «Are you sure you’re just friends?»

«Yes,» Dorian exhaled. «But-»

«But you wish you were more.»

He could only nod.

They stayed silent for a moment, before Aelin spoke once more. «You know, I only have guy friends, so I’m pretty shit at giving advice on things like this.»

They were lying in opposite ends of the bed now, facing one another. «I think you did pretty good,» Dorian said to reassure her.

«I still need to get some girl friends I think. I tried ranting to Chaol the other day about the trials and tribulations of living with a bitchy uterus, and I have never seen someone leave a room so fast.»

Dorian brought out his signature smirk, saying, «You can talk to me about your period any day, Aelin.»

Aelin stuck out her tongue in response, and for the first time in many, many days, Dorian laughed.

-

Manon opened the text from Asterin once more, reading the words.

Won’t make it to practice today:/ Talk when you get home?<3

Looking at it, she couldn’t t help but feel a little bad for how she’d acted earlier. They could discuss this in a civilized manner, hopefully coming to a solution that didn’t involve their grandmother in any way.

Manon shivered at the memory of a hand grabbing her cheek. She’d been right, it had bruised, and she’d had to wake up half an hour earlier today to cover it up with makeup.

A knot formed in her stomach. How could she think such things of her grandmother, who only wanted the best for her?

Surrounded by darkness, she made her way towards the house, the air cold around her. Fall had finally settled over their small town.

As she made the final steps towards the door, she wondered why the lights were off. Surely Asterin would be up, waiting for her?

Unable to shake off the feeling of unease, Manon carefully opened the door. «Asterin?» she called into the darkness.

Her bag landed on the floor with a thud, the sound echoing through the room.

«Do you have something you want to tell me?»

Manon jumped at the sound of her grandmother, turning on the lights to reveal her sitting in the living room.

Her heart started racing at the quiet rage coming from the woman. Her brows were slightly furrowed, eyes glowing with fury, her mouth forming a tight line. Judging by how calm she was, Manon knew she was pissed.

«N-no, grandmother,» Manon stammered, looking at her feet.

Her grandmother stood up, slowly making her way towards Manon. «Don’t. Fucking. Lie.» she spat, her voice shaking with anger.

The slap hit her before she had time to react, her cheek stinging at the contact. Manon could feel blood slowly starting to trickle, but she didn’t dare move, didn’t so much as breathe.

«How long have you known?» Manon still didn’t move, only stared at the wall in front of her, completely paralyzed. She must have found out…Manon had to find Asterin, had to make sure she was okay…

«HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN?!»

Quickly shaking her head, Manon tried to think of a way to get her grandmother to calm down, tried to find the right words. «I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,» she breathed.

The sound of her grandmother’s cold laugh filled the empty house, followed by the sound of her palm against Manon’s other cheek. Her head jerked to the side, staying there.

Her grandmother leaned in close, and Manon closed her eyes as she felt a warm breath on her face. «I have done everything for the two of you,» she hissed, «and this is how you thank me?! Going behind my back, lying and deceiving. You should be glad you’re not on the street right now, like that whore of a cousin you have.» She made a face of disgust.

«I’m sorry,» Manon whispered, as her grandmother took a step back.

«Here is what’s going to happen,» the woman said. «From now on, if you make so much as a single mistake, I’ll kick you out. Your grades, your dancing, everything, will be perfect. Understand?»

Manon nodded, lowering her head.

«And that slut…She’s off the dance team, and if I hear you talk to her, so much as look at her, I’ll make you regret it. Am I being clear?»

Manon nodded again.

«AM I BEING CLEAR?!»

Trying her best not to flinch at the raised voice, Manon managed to stammer, «Y-yes g-grandmother.»

Her grandmother clicked her tongue, shaking her head. «I truly thought you could be different from your mother, better. How wrong I was.»

The words stung almost as much as her cheeks.

«Now go to your room, I don’t think I can stomach looking at you anymore.»

«Yes grandmother,» she said obediently, hurrying down the hall.

As soon as the door closed behind her, Manon’s shaking body fell to the floor.

Around her, in her head, everywhere, it was going too fast, too much. The rush of blood, the way her lungs couldn’t get enough air no matter how hard she tried, the throbbing of her cheeks, the echoing of her grandmother’s disappointed words.

I truly thought you could be different from your mother, better. How wrong I was.

She had to be better, had to do better, had to-

Manon forced her breathing into an even rhythm. She had to stay focused from now on. No more distractions.

Manon didn’t notice how she’d stopped shaking, didn’t noticed the blood crusted on her cheek, didn’t notice the stillness of the world, didn’t notice how Abraxos placed his head in her lap, looking up at her with sad eyes.

She had no idea if minutes or hours or days had passed as she reached over to the headphones carelessly slung on the floor. Putting them on and pressing play, Manon drifted away to that distant place of hers, disappearing, dissolving. If only for a little while.

Lay me down

Let the only sound

Be the overflow

Pockets full of stone

-Florence + The Machine, What The Water Gave Me

Chapter Text

And the heart is hard to translate

It has a language of its own

-Florence + The Machine, All This and Heaven Too

«Manon! Gods, are you okay?» Asterin ran over to her, voice frantic, eyes lined with worry.

Throwing a glance over her shoulder, Manon contemplated the crowded hallway. There were too many nosey ears and eyes that could eavesdrop.

«Not here,» Manon hissed to her cousin, pulling her into an empty classroom and closing the door behind them. This wasn’t a conversation meant to be had in public.

For a moment, none of them said anything, and Manon let her eyes rove over Asterin. She was seemingly unharmed, and Manon couldn’t stop the wave of relief that coursed through her.

The same couldn’t be said for herself. She’d spent a grueling hour that morning trying to cover up the thin cut on her cheek, but to no avail, the angry red line still visible. She hoped Asterin was too distracted by the fact that she had just been kicked out to notice.

Uncomfortable silence filled the room, and in lack of better words, Manon asked her cousin, «How are you?» She wasn’t sure if she wanted the conversation that would surely follow.

«I’m fine,» Asterin answered, looking down at her shoes. «She was so eager to get me out that she didn’t even bother to fully yell at me.» She let out a low laugh, but it was devoid of any emotion.

«Anyways, I’m staying with Hunter from now on. I should have left months ago.»

Manon didn’t say anything, only crossed her arms. Her grandmother’s words from last night echoing in her mind.

If I hear you talk to her, so much as look at her, I’ll make you regret it.

This was a mistake. She should have ignored Asterin from the second she approached her. Already, Manon was disappointing her grandmother, was ruining everything for herself. How could she be so stupid? So weak?

She had lain awake most of the night, worrying about her cousin, trying to convince herself that she didn’t really care where Asterin was. For she was merely a distraction, an obstacle, keeping her from reaching her goals, keeping her from doing better.

I truly thought you could be different from your mother. Better.

She would. She would do better. Be better.

Yet here you are, that vicious voice in her head whispered.

«You can move in with us too. It’ll be a bit crowded, but we’ll figure something out. I’ve already clarified things with Hunter. We’ll figure this out, Manon.»

Manon blinked in confusion, taking a step away from her cousin, who looked at her with such worry, such pity. Manon didn’t want any of it.

«What are you talking about?» she hissed back, brows furrowing.

«You can’t stay there. You don’t have to endure her anymore.» Asterin’s eyes were burning with clarity, with determination.

«And why not?» How could she possibly think Manon wanted to move away from their grandmother? The woman who had done everything in her power to make sure they succeeded in life. To make sure they didn’t end up like their own mothers. And here Asterin was, throwing it all away. It was her own fault, Manon said to herself.

Asterin nodded towards her cheek, saying in a quiet voice, «She did that, didn’t she?»

Manon stilled.

Was it that obvious?

She focused her eyes on the wall, a feeble lie ready on her tongue. «I don’t know what you’re talking about. I startled Abraxos and he scratched my cheek. It won’t even scar.»

Guilt churned deep in her stomach for bringing her innocent cat into this, but she couldn’t handle Asterin’s judgement if she had known the truth.

It didn’t work though, for Asterin said, «We both know that’s bullshit. Abraxos wouldn’t hurt a fly.»

And it was the anger in Asterin’s voice that made Manon meet her cousin’s gaze once more.

Betrayal, that was the name of the thing burning in Asterin’s eyes.

«Why do you keep defending her?» Her voice was shaking, with anger or sadness, Manon didn’t know, and Asterin didn’t budge.

«She only wants what’s best for us,» Manon said, chin held high.

«You can’t possibly believe that? She’s insane, Manon.» Asterin was raising her voice. Anger, then.

«Where would we have been without her?»

«She kicked me out. She doesn’t care about us.»

Manon scoffed, crossing her arms once more. When she stayed silent, Asterin said, «How can you be so blind?»

She could feel her anger growing at Asterin’s accusations. How could she be so blind? Asterin was the blind one for throwing it all away. For choosing something as stupid as love over her own future. Manon was done with this conversation, wanted to end it as fast as possible.

Which was why she delivered one last blow to Asterin. «Getting kicked out is the least you  deserve after getting yourself knocked up by a boy who will leave at the first sign of some real responsibility. Don’t come crawling to me when you find yourself homeless and heartbroken. You’re off the dance team, by the way.»

Asterin had opened her mouth to say something, but she quickly shut it as Manon’s words hit her. Tears began gathering in the corners of her eyes, and she placed a protective hand over her still-flat stomach. The sight made Manon want to vomit.

She was certain that Asterin would run crying out of the room, but she didn’t. Instead, she took a steadying breath, looked up at her cousin with narrowed eyes, and hissed, her voice as vicious as ever, «I thought you were different, but you truly are her creature.»

Manon slumped against the wall as Asterin left the room, not understanding why it felt as if she’d been punched in the gut.

You truly are her creature.

-

Dorian had been staring at the same page for five minutes now. All day, he’d been looking forward to lunch, to finally finish the thrilling book he’d started reading earlier that week. Except it was impossible to focus.

Everywhere, it was so loud, too loud. The cafeteria, his friends, his own head.

The past week had been stressing, to say the least. Manon still wouldn’t talk to him, and he hadn’t had the chance, either, since he barely saw her at school. It was as if she’d become a ghost.

He tore his eyes away from the book to scan the cafeteria, hoping to spot that white ponytail somewhere in the crowd. His heart skipped a beat as he spotted Asterin, Manon’s cousin, but she was sitting alone, Manon nowhere in sight.

As he finished scanning the room, his eyes met Aelin’s. She lifted an eyebrow in silent question. Everything okay?

Shaking his head, Dorian shifted his gaze to the door. He jumped slightly as he spotted something resembling white hair, but it wasn’t Manon, and he couldn’t help the disappointment that filled his body.

When he looked back at Aelin, her face said, Don’t worry. She’ll come to you if she wants to talk. Giving him a kind smile, she dived back into the conversation she’d been having with Rowan and Chaol. Dorian had no idea what it was about, so he tried to focus on his book.

Don’t worry.

She made it sound so easy.

Nothing about the he was missing Manon was easy. In fact, it was close to driving him insane. And it was only the tip of the iceberg of the many worries he had…

Like yesterday, when he’d had to sit through another one of the weekly family dinners.

Dorian wasn’t sure what was worse. His parents fighting or them pretending everything was fine.

Through the entire dinner, he’d fought the urge not to vomit. All because of his father, sitting there, spewing out offensive comments, one after the other, his mother, pretending she didn’t hear any of it, and his brother, throwing ridiculous tantrums just to get their attention.

And it had been another dinner, where courage failed him, Dorian still hiding the fact that he was bi.

Someone in the cafeteria laughed a little too loud, and Dorian had to stop himself from covering his ears. He glanced at the clock. There were still 20 minutes left of lunch break.

«I-I have to get some air,» he stuttered to his friends, abruptly standing up, his chair scraping against the floor.

Before any of them had the chance to reply, he was out the door, heading towards his spot in the library.

He would have opted for outside, but it was pouring rain, so the library it was.

As Dorian rushed for the hidden alcove, he willed his breathing to calm, his head to keep quiet. All he wanted was some peace to read his book and not think so much.

What he hadn’t expected, was to find Manon.

-

You truly are her creature.

Since the argument with Asterin the day before, this had been the sole clear thought in Manon’s head.

She couldn’t focus anymore. Not in her classes, not at dance practice, not at night, when all she wanted was deep, dreamless sleep. Instead, Manon laid awake, worrying.

It was all too much. She couldn’t possibly keep her promise to her grandmother when she was unable to focus. She had a math test tomorrow, damn it, but whenever she tried to study, her mind went blank.

Luckily her grandmother had left for work again that morning. It made it all a little easier when she didn’t have to constantly lie about her schoolwork.

Manon had no idea what to do when she got a bad grade on that test though…

Right now, it felt as if the world was moving faster than what she could follow.

And all that guilt, for lying to her grandmother, for what she’d said to Asterin, for failing, again and again. It was choking her.

She’d gone to sit in the library, in that hidden alcove where she’d first met Dorian, during lunch, didn’t want to risk running into Asterin in the cafeteria, or the rest of her dance team for that matter. The news that Asterin was off the team hadn’t been met very well.

At least the library was better than the girls bathroom. Her life hadn’t gotten that sad yet.

You wouldn’t be so lonely, had you not pushed Dorian away, a voice echoed in her mind.

Manon cursed it.

Still, thinking about Dorian made her feel all strange. Was she missing him? Was this what was happening?

It had been a mistake to befriend him, if she could even call it that. A stupid mistake.

After she’d finished her lunch, Manon glanced at the clock and saw that it was still 20 minutes left of the break.

She relished the stillness of the library. Here, breathing was a little easier, thinking, too.

That was, until a panicked-looking Dorian appeared around the corner of the shelf.

It felt as if they were back to that day, months ago, when they’d first met.

«Why do you always show up whenever I want to be alone?» Manon tried her very best to hide the surprise and comfort and sadness in seeing him.

Her words seemed to pull Dorian out of whatever stupor he’d been in, and he gave her a narrowed look. «That was one time, and lucky for you, I’m not in the mood to talk right now.» His shoulders sagged at the last part, but his voice remained empty, cold.

As he sat down next to her, Manon was tempted do gather her things and leave, but she didn’t, as if curious to see what happened next.

You can’t stay away from him, can you?

She sighed, leaning her head back and closing her eyes.

Dorian didn’t say anything, the silence stretching out, becoming uncomfortable.

Sighing once more, Manon asked, «What’s up with the mood, anyway?»

«I thought you wanted to be alone?»

She didn’t answered, only stared, raising an eyebrow.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Dorian said, «It’s just…a lot, right now.»

Then everything poured out of him.

«Senior year is more stressing than I thought, and my parents are fighting all the time, which makes it really hard for me, because I’ve been trying to come out to them as bi for months, but my dad keeps being a homophobic asshole and I don’t think my mom knows what planet we’re on, and then you stopped talking to me all of a sudden and just-»

He groaned, head falling into his hands.

Manon had no idea what to say, what to do. She’d never been good with emotions. So she asked about the least complicated part of what he’d revealed. «You’re bi?» There was no accusation in her voice, or shock, only curiosity.

Dorian let out a breath of relief. «Yeah,» he said, voice weak.

«Cool,» was all Manon said in answer.

«You don’t care that I’m bi?»

«Why the fuck would I care about that?»

Dorian looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. Instead, that awkward silence returned.

Manon felt like she had to say something again. «I mean it Dorian, your sexuality is none of my business.»

«Thanks,» he said, giving her a tight smile.

Manon looked down at her hands, picking at one of her nails.

«So,» Dorian started, drawing a deep breath. «Why are you brooding in the library?»

She gave him a look that said, I’m not answering that.

«You’re the one who started this conversation.» Dorian stretched out his long legs, getting comfortable.

Oh, she wasn’t getting out of this one.

«I’m just-» Manon sighed, not knowing where to start.

I feel like a constant disappointment to everyone.

I feel like a failure, a liar, a fraud.

I miss you.

«I’m lonely,» she said.

Dorian searched her with those blue eyes of his, his expression going sad.

«Maybe you wouldn’t be so lonely if you hadn’t ignored me for weeks,» Dorian suggested quietly, still looking at her.

«You know nothing,» Manon hissed.

The realization of what she’d said, what she’d accidentally referenced, hit them both at the same time, and Dorian’s chuckle was quickly followed by one of her own.

«I’m sorry,» he managed to choke out between the fits of laughter. «This isn’t funny,» Dorian continued, but it was. It really was.

Why had she thought it was a good idea to ignore him? Manon asked herself as she tried, and failed, to control her laughter.

Because for the first time in weeks, she could breathe again…even if the breathless cackling said otherwise.

But everything it felt light, and easy.

Maybe…just maybe, this was what she needed to stay focused. To do better.

The only thing she was sure of, was that laughing with Dorian made her feel good, worries be damned.

When the laughter had died down at last, a few giggles still escaping them, Manon and Dorian were sitting against the wall, face to face, eyes locked on one another.

«Why are you staring at me?» Manon whispered, butterflies in her stomach.

Dorian swallowed, not breaking eye contact. «I’m contemplating how stupid it would be to kiss you right now.»

Manon drew a shuddering breath, all while gazing into those blue eyes. She could get lost in them.

To hell with it, a voice said inside her. A voice she hadn’t heard before. It sounded wise, and confident, and Manon decided to listen to it. To hell with it, indeed.

Then she leaned in and pressed her lips to his.

Chapter Text

Hey, look up

You don’t have to be a ghost

Here amongst the living

You are flesh and blood

And you deserve to be loved

-Florence + The Machine, Third Eye

Holy fuck, Dorian thought. He was kissing Manon Blackbeak. Or she was kissing him, judging by how she’d just leaned over and done it.

There were a million thoughts running through Dorian’s mind, and he couldn’t even make out half of them. All he could focus on was her lips. How soft they were, how good they tasted, the feeling of them pressing against his, searching, exploring, the feeling of her hair tangled between his fingers…

He was kissing Manon Blackbeak.

And in the library, of all places. The scene was as if taken straight out of a wet dream. Thirteen-year-old him no doubt would have been proud.

«Manon» he whispered against her lips, drawing back slightly. She let out a breathless noise at the lack of contact, and leaned her forehead against his.

Dorian had no idea what to do, his hands still awkwardly holding her. He felt like he should say something, but before he got the chance, Manon withdrew at least, looking at him with a newfound curiosity.

He felt himself blush under her gaze, and she chuckled, biting her lip.

«I-» they both said simultaneously, filling the otherwise empty room with giggles and blushing faces once more.

This was really happening! Dorian had to remind himself, over and over again.

He looked at her once more, at the way her hair shone in the soft light, at her blushing cheeks, at her full lips. Her eyes shifted to his own, the blush replaced by something hungry, and Dorian swallowed once, before leaning towards her-

Then the bell rang, and the moment was over.

«Shit!» Manon blurted, scrambling to her feet.

Dorian didn’t move from his spot on the floor, he was busy trying to wrap his mind around what just happened. Like an idiot, he opened his mouth and said, «Wait! Don’t go yet, please…»

Manon stopped, throwing an anxious glance towards the door, towards the hallway filling up with students. «I can’t miss class, Dorian.»

He knew that all too well himself, but he kept going. «We should talk….just a few minutes.»

Shaking her head, she looked at the door once more. «I can’t,» she whispered, her expression faltering slightly. «I’ll text you, okay?» Then she was out the door, leaving Dorian by himself, as if their kiss had never happened.

And how on earth had it even happened? He’d come here because he needed to escape, to disappear, and then she’d been there, just like the day they’d met, months ago.

He hadn’t meant to tell Manon everything, about his parents, about his sexuality, but some part of him wanted her to know, because he trusted her, and he knew she wouldn’t judge or take pity on him. So he’d told her.

She’d given him a truth of her own, then. «I’m lonely.»

The words said so little, yet so much. He doubted she’d ever been this vulnerable with anyone, not with the way her voice trembled. By the look on her face, Dorian could see that this revelation was only the tip of the iceberg, but those glowing eyes begged him to not ask, not push further, so he didn’t.

Maybe she’d kissed him just to avoid talking. Maybe she’d done it because she’d wanted to. For a long while. Like he had.

Dorian found he didn’t care though. Not now, at least. They would have to talk about it, of course, but right now…right now, all he wanted was to savor the feeling of her lips on his and revel in the fact that Manon Blackbeak had fucking kissed him.

Collecting himself, he let out a long breath before he, too, headed towards the door. To math, and the utterly delightful company of one Aelin Galathynius.

He was so screwed.

-

Aelin followed him with suspicious eyes all the way from the door to their shared desk at the far end of the classroom. Mumbling a quick «I forgot the time, sorry,» to a disappointed-looking Mr. Kelley, Dorian hurried over to his seat, all while communicating for Aelin to «Keep your mouth shut for god’s sake.»

She didn’t, naturally, and as soon as his body hit the chair, she turned around with a frown on her face. «Why are you late?!» Her voice wasn’t exactly quiet, which earned her a stern glare from the teacher. Leaning in closer, she whispered, «Have you been crying?»

«Gods, no!» Dorian hissed in a low voice, trying to keep it down. «Why would you think that?» he followed, while opening his textbook to what he hoped was the right page. The equations on the board could have been random doodles for all he knew.

«Your face is all red and puffy,» she twirled her hand in front of her own, «and you didn’t exactly seem okay when you left the cafeteria…» That made Dorian blush even harder than he apparently had before. He’d forgotten all about what happened in the cafeteria, why he’d fled to the library in the first place. All he could think of was Manon and her wicked mouth…

Beside him, he could see the puzzle pieces click to place inside Aelin’s head, but as she narrowed her eyes, accusation ready on her lips, Mr. Kelley saved him by saying, «Ms. Galathynius, Mr. Havilliard, would you two like to come up here and show the rest of the class how you solve this problem?»

He gestured to the board, to the very difficult-looking equation scribbled there. Dorian shook his head, Aelin following suit. «Good. Then I suggest you two keep your mouthes shut and pay attention.»

By the end of the lesson, Dorian still hadn’t the faintest idea what they were actually talking about, but how was it possible to do math when your crush had just kissed you?

«Walk together to geography?» Aelin chirped, having already gathered her things. He could see how she itched to question him about earlier.

«I…eh,» Dorian tried, not ready for the full-on interrogation that awaited him. «I have to fix something, but I’ll, uh, meet you there?» If he left quick enough, he might catch Manon in the hallway. It would only raise Aelin’s suspicions, but he had to speak with Manon

Giving Aelin an awkward wave, he turned and rushed to the door.

Before he made it, a hand on his shoulder stopped him, pulling him back. «A quick word with you, Mr. Havilliard.» Looking up, Dorian met the terrifying eyes of Mr. Kelley.

Dorian gave him a tight smile as he sat down on the edge of the closest desk, but his heart was racing. How would he get out of this one?

On her way out, Aelin loudly mouthed «Good luck» while sliding a finger across her throat, the traitor. Why didn’t she have to stay behind?

«On with you now, Ms. Galathynius,» Mr. Kelley said, letting out a sigh. Then he closed the door behind her and turned towards Dorian.

«No need to look so frightened,» he reassured. Dorian forced himself to chuckle, but it sounded as nervous as he felt.

«I only wanted to let you know that this is the fourth time you’ve been late this year.»

Dorian opened his mouth to make up some excuse, but the old teacher interrupted him. «I’m not interested in why. You could have been kidnapped for all I care.»

«Okay…?» Dorian began, but it seemed Mr. Kelley still wasn’t done talking.

«Next time I will have to give you detention, so this is your official warning.» Although his words were stern, it didn’t look like the teacher took this very seriously. It seemed more like the «school says this conversation is mandatory but honestly I couldn’t care less» - kind of conversation.

As he stood back up, feeling a little relieved, Dorian said, «It won’t happen again, I promise.»

Mr. Kelley only made a half-hearted gesture towards the door. Opening it, Dorian heard from behind him, «Oh, and while the company of Ms. Galathynius can be quite entertaining, you do have math for a reason."

«Got it, sir,» was all Dorian replied. It wasn’t his fault him and Aelin had been seated together. Everyone knew that was the recipe for disaster.

Again, the stupid bell with horrible timing rang the second he stepped into the hallway, killing all hope he’d had to find Manon.

Grudgingly, Dorian made his way towards geography, telling himself she would keep her promise and text him.

He needed her to.

-

Manon sighed as she deleted yet another unsent message. She’d promised Dorian she’d text him, and she would, but she had no idea what to say.

She’d kissed him.

And now they needed to talk about it…

It hadn’t been intentional, but Manon’d had a shitty day, and he’d been there, and it’d felt so good to talk to him again, to laugh with him again, so she’d just done it, her grandmother’s orders be damned.

She knew all too well the amount of trouble this would get her in if her grandmother ever found out, however, Manon also had to focus on her schoolwork, had to get perfect grades, and she couldn’t do that when she spent all waking hours worrying about whether he had feelings for her or not.

So she’d taken matters into her own hands, and fucking kissed him…

Then the bell had rung, and she’d rushed off to class, leaving Dorian alone. Manon easily could have ditched with him, her thoughts had been too occupied by soft lips and exploring hands to really learn any biology, but once more her grandmother’s words had echoed in her head. It should have scared her, that she even considered ditching.

From now on, if you make so much as a single mistake, I’ll kick you out.

She would have to be careful. So very careful.

Usually, she would have felt bad for lying about Dorian, but he wasn’t a distraction, she told herself. He makes you happy, which makes you better. It wasn’t her fault her grandmother would never see that.

It’s for my own good.

When they’d talked, when she’d learned he didn’t hate her for ghosting him, it had been like drawing breath again after being trapped underwater for a long while.

It didn’t fix everything, of course, she still had Asterin to worry about, still had to stay focused on her schoolwork, but it made it all a little easier.

What did you want to talk about?

That didn’t feel right, and she quickly deleted the text. Why was this so hard?

I have feelings for you…

Gods no, she couldn’t write that…

Abraxos hopped onto the kitchen table, where she was sitting, knocking down a pencil in the process. Manon didn’t bother yelling at him, too busy with the texting. He wouldn’t care, nevertheless.

Before she had the chance to write another failed attempt at basic communication, her phone buzzed, a text from Dorian popping up on the screen. Shit…

Manon nearly dropped her phone in her hurry to open the message, her heart thundering in her chest.

Dorian: Did you mean it? 17:05

She let out a shaky breath, trying to figure out a response.

Manon: Mean what? 17:05

The typing bubbles showed up, disappeared, showed up again.

Dorian: The kiss… 17:06

Dorian: Or maybe I should say kisses;) 17:06

Manon chuckled at that, a blush spreading on her face. Gods, when had she turned into this girl? Face red and stomach filled with butterflies.

Manon: What would you do if I did? 17:07

Her fingers hesitated over the send-button for a while before hitting it, and she didn’t dare breathe as she waited for his answer.

Dorian: I would ask you to do it again 17:08

She couldn’t believe this was actually happening…

Manon: Good. 17:08

Dorian: And after I’ve asked you to kiss me again, I would take you on a date. 17:09

A date…How could she possibly hide that from her grandmother? A wave crashed over the butterflies, drowning them, as the feeling of dread settled in her stomach.

Dorian: It would be very romantic, and very cliché;) 17:10

Of course it would be…And she was curious as to what this- this thing, between them was. Her grandmother would never understand, but she needed this, deserved it, Manon knew that now.

Manon: I’m already rolling my eyes. 17:12

Dorian: I have no doubt you are:) 17:13

Damn him and the way he made her feel!

Dorian: Is it a yes then? To a date? 17:13

Manon blew a frustrated breath. If this went wrong, if anyone found out…From beside her, Abraxos gave her a look that said, «Why the fuck are you hesitating?»

«Fine, you’re probably right,» Manon mumbled back to the cat, sending the answering text before she could regret it.

Manon: We’ll see;) 17:14

What could go wrong?

So many things could, but Manon had a test by the end of the week, and she needed to study now. Putting the phone on silent and placing it on the table, she shifted her attention to the books in front of her.

Her phone buzzed once, twice.

Manon knew it was Dorian, but she told herself she could check it later. She had to focus on biology now.

And she did try, but after reading the same sentence five times without understanding it, she at last gave in and picked up her phone to read the messages. The sight that met her had her bursting into laughter.

Dorian: YOU USED AN EMOJI!!!!

Dorian: I’m shocked-

Dorian: Type 1 if you’re being held hostage

Dorian: Do you often use emojis? Just asking out of curiosity;)

Chapter Text

Oh, the queen of peace

Always does her best to please

But is it any use?

Somebody’s gotta lose

-Florence + The Machine, Queen of Peace

The music roared out of the speakers, and Manon moved her body to the rhythm, letting herself get lost in the upbeat tones. She had done this a dozen times by now, memorized this choreography weeks ago. 

But then she turned to the right, and it wasn’t Asterin dancing beside her - as it had always been - it was Sorrel. 

It startled her enough that she halted and messed up a few steps. Manon caught up with the others, but she was unable to pour her heart into it like she usually did. Her mind was too busy thinking about Asterin, worrying whether she was okay or not after their grandmother had kicked her out.

Manon had seen her at school a few times in the following weeks, but they hadn’t talked, and she doubted they would. Asterin probably hated her now, after all the horrible things Manon had said to her. 

Getting kicked out is the least you deserve after getting yourself knocked up by a boy who will leave at the first sign of some real responsibility. Don’t come crawling to me when you find yourself homeless and heartbroken. You’re off the dance team, by the way.

Manon hadn’t meant what she said, not really, but maybe this was for the better…

Her grandmother had made it very clear that she was not to talk with Asterin anymore, and Asterin avoiding her, hating her, made everything much easier.

Yet, if it made things easier, why did it also make her so sad? The house had been awfully quiet these weeks, so quiet it was near-stifling. Manon hadn’t realized how different, how empty, home would be without Asterin there.

Stop moping around you sad, pathetic fool!

Manon mentally scolded herself, forcing her attention back to the dancing. She couldn’t keep letting this distract her. Asterin was simply an obstacle who no longer stood in the way of her future.

Finishing the rest of the choreography, she ignored the desperate, disappointed voice inside her head that whispered; you’re beginning to sound like her.

When the music faded into nothing and her body stopped moving, Manon put on her usual mask of cold, calculating boredom and turned towards her team. She immediately knew something was up, as they were all looking at her as if they had something to say, but didn’t dare say it.

«What,» Manon said, more an order than a question. If they had all decided to gang up against her, she only wanted to get it over with. 

The girls exchanged wary glances, before Sorrel took a step forward and said, «We need Asterin on this choreo.» Manon was surprised when Vesta, who leaned against the wall with her arms crossed, stayed silent for once.

With a sigh, Manon answered Sorrel, «And why the hell do we need Asterin?» 

Yet again did they all look at each other, as if this was something they’d discussed behind her back. The icy feeling of betrayal snaked its way up Manon’s spine.

«Because it’s always been the thirteen of us. We’re off-balance without Asterin.» It was Ghislaine who spoke this time.

«You’ve said it yourself,» Briar shot in from the back of the room. «If just one of us is missing, the entire team falls apart!»

It was when Vesta finally opened her mouth that she snapped. «And you slipped up today, Manon. Several times!» 

«I have no idea what you’re talking about,» Manon hissed, clenching her fists so hard it hurt. «You have been distracted today, hell, you’ve been distracted, lazy and off-beat all week!»

«Because Asterin-» Vesta begun, but Manon didn’t let her finish.

«I don’t wanna hear another word about Asterin! It was her own stupidity that got her kicked off the team, and if you, all of you, don’t start working a bit harder, I won’t hesitate to replace you with someone else!»

The room was unbearably quiet when she was done talking, and Manon could hear her own heart thundering inside her chest. She had to stay calm, couldn’t let them see her fall apart, even if that was what she felt like doing right now. She was losing control, she was-

«I can talk to Asterin today if-»

«GET OUT!» 

Manon’s blood was boiling at the audacity of Vesta. Why couldn’t they understand that Asterin, with her carelessness, was jeopardizing everything they had worked towards? 

Her grandmother had been clear in her orders: everything had to be perfect, so they had to win nationals, which they couldn’t do when one of the teammates first of all didn’t bother showing up to half of the rehearsals, and second of all, would be heavily pregnant come spring.

When everyone had left, and Manon was alone once more, she didn’t let herself brood over the fight they’d just had, didn’t let herself recognize how awful this made her feel. She simply turned the music back on, and forgot.

She forgot everything she’d promised her grandmother, forgot the math test she’d butchered earlier today, forgot the fact that her whole dance team had probably just quit, forgot that she had no control over anything in her life anymore.

Yet as she kept moving her exhausted body, one thought remained. One of piercing blue eyes and soft lips.

And when she remembered that she had an actual date with him the next day, Manon smiled, despite everything.

-

«Why are you looking at me like that?»

How am I supposed to not look at you? Dorian wondered. Manon was radiant where she sat with her body leaned back, eyes closed, face tipped towards the sky. She was smiling softly, the autumn sun making her white-blonde hair glow.

Instead of telling her that, Dorian went with: «I’m just wondering what you’re thinking. You went quiet all of a sudden.»

She had. They’d been sitting here for hours now, under the huge oak tree in the park, eating and laughing and talking, but now she was silent, a calm, contemplating aura around her. 

Manon hummed in answer, before opening her eyes and twisting towards him. «I’m just…savoring the moment, I guess.» Her mouth quirked to the side, the movement making her nose scrunch, and Dorian had to let out a chuckle.

«Now who’s the cliché?» 

She’d been playfully mocking him for his picnic this whole time, even asking him if he was aware that they weren’t in every high school movie ever made. Dorian had begged to differ, telling her that the only reason it was a cliché, was because it worked.

And it did. After a while, Manon had reluctantly agreed that yes, maybe it was a little romantic. The admission had been accompanied by an eye-roll, of course, but what else could you expect?

«What time is it?» Manon asked after a moment. 

Dorian scrambled for his phone, finding it half-lodged under the picnic basket. «It’s almost 3pm,» he said, marveling over how much time had passed. He could spend all day like this, just talking about all and nothing with Manon. No matter what they discussed, she surprised him with her answers, whether it be a funny joke or an unusually deep thought, offering a new perspective on things. 

«I should head home soon,» she sighed, but Manon made no sign of getting up. Instead she laid down, Dorian joining her. «My grandmother will start to ask questions if I’m late.»

From what he’d gathered, Manon’s grandmother was very strict, especially when it came to boys, and Manon had told her she was studying at the library today. She rarely talked about her family, and whenever they touched on the subject, she quickly started talking about something else. Dorian knew not to ask questions, though. She would open up when and if she was ready, and those moments often came at the most unexpected times. 

«I had a lot of fun today, you know. Even if I still think you just googled date ideas and went with the first hit.» Dorian laughed at that, his stomach filling with what could only be described as butterflies. 

«Does that mean you would want to do it again?» They were lying on their backs, face to face, and all Dorian could think about was how badly he wanted to kiss her.

It had been weeks since their kiss in the library, but they hadn’t been able to do it again. All they’d gotten was stolen moments in between classes and late-night texts, their busy schedules making sure of that. Until now, that was.

«I would love to,» Manon offered, answering his question. «But next time I decide what we’re doing.»

«Deal,» Dorian grinned, his eyes staying fixed on her lips as she spoke.

Moments passed, the tension between them tangible, and then Manon whispered, «Is it weird that I really wanna kiss you right now?»

That was all it took for Dorian to crash his lips into hers. 

The kiss was exploring at first, her lips so soft and so perfect. He’d thought about their moment in the library constantly in the past weeks, but his memory could never do it justice, he knew now. This was the real thing, the real Manon, and she was bewitching. No other word could describe the experience that was kissing her.

Dorian pulled her closer, and Manon placed her hands in his hair. He had to continuously remind himself that they were outside, in the middle of a park, and anyone could walk by at any moment.

Yet he couldn’t stop either. Their mouths had gone from searching to ravenous, both of them trying to get closer to the other. Manon nudged him with her tongue, and he opened up for her, the taste of her exquisite.

His blood heated, skin becoming incredibly tight all of a sudden. He could keep doing this forever.

But they had to pull apart at some point to simply just breathe. And they did.

Manon let her forehead rest against his as they both panted slightly, Dorian reaching up to brush a strand of hair out of her face. «I really should go now,» she murmured against his lips, leaning in to kiss him once more. 

It was Dorian who pulled away this time, stroking her cheek. «I’ll see you later then.»

«Yeah,» she sighed, standing up in one smooth movement. The air around Dorian suddenly became unbearably cold. 

After Manon had picked up her jacket, ready to leave, she halted for a moment, and said, «I meant it when I said today was fun.» 

Then she leaned down to place a swift kiss on his cheek, stood back up and walked away, leaving him alone, all flustered. 

Dorian had to wait a moment before he could get up himself, because his pants had just become very tight. His face was burning at the fact, but he forced himself to think of dead puppies and his parents fighting and his gym teacher in those tiny shorts he insisted on wearing.

That last image was particularly horrifying, but it seemed to do the trick. Then, Dorian picked up his phone, only to find fifty new messages from Aelin in their group chat.

Sighing, he began to skim through the thread.

Aelin: Do you guys have plans for today?

Aelin: Rowan is busy

Aelin: And I’m bored

Aelin: Hellooooo

Chaol: I’m guessing I have plans now…

Aelin: I can actually hear how hard you’re sighing right now Chaol

Aelin: We’re seeing a movie today

Chaol: When?

Then there was a lot of planning back and forth, and both Chaol and Aelin trying to reach Dorian. The last message he got was a selfie of his best friends glaring at him, the text reading: Come hang out with us loser.

So Dorian stood, feeling lighter than ever, and began calling Aelin to hear where they were.

-

Stepping into the narrow hallway of her home, Manon carefully closed the door behind her, trying to stay as quiet as possible in case her grandmother was working. 

She hung her coat on the rack and turned her phone on silent. She rarely got any notifications, but that was before Dorian. Now they sent messages back and forth at all hours, most of it silly nonsense.

«Manon, is that you?» her grandmother called from the kitchen. Letting out a shaky breath, Manon made her facial expression that of someone who had studied in a library for hours and definitely hadn’t just made out with a hot boy.

Listen to yourself, you sound like some lovesick girl from those movies you hate so much, Manon mentally yelled, rolling her eyes at how annoying her internal monologue was becoming.

«Yeah, I’m back.» She stopped by the doorway to the kitchen on the way to her room, where her grandmother was sitting by the table, laptop open in front of her.

The woman glanced up at the clock on the wall, before looking back at Manon, her eyes searching. «You stayed at the library for a long time.»

Manon had to fight to stay fully still, to not flinch at her grandmothers words. She couldn’t know, could she? Putting on a fake smile, Manon said, «I just got into a really good workflow, didn’t wanna quit.»

Her breaths were getting faster, and she could feel the panic sneaking up on her.

Just keep it together until you’re alone! She always asks questions like these.

«I’m almost done with the history assignment,» she added to make sure her grandmother bought it. Even if it was all a lie. She hadn’t even started on the history paper.

«Good. I already made dinner, but there are some leftovers in the fridge if you’re hungry.» Her grandmother’s tone was pleasant, almost happy. She had to be in a good mood today, then. The whole thing felt deeply unsettling.

At least she was safe, for now.

«Thanks, but I’m not hungry. I’ll be in my room,» Manon said before turning and hurrying down the hall. Once she’d closed the door, she finally let out the breath of relief she’d benne holding, throwing away all pretense.

She couldn’t keep lying to her grandmother like this…

Not only did it make her feel awful, but the consequences would also be too great. She was putting her whole future at risk when she was acting like this, sneaking around and prioritizing boys over her schoolwork. 

Frustrated, she threw herself down on her bed, startling Abraxos who was sleeping on her pillow. Dorian made everything so much more complicated. Agreeing to go out with him had been a mistake. A huge, huge mistake.

Yet she’d felt better today, happier, than she’d had in a long time. She’d even managed to forget the catastrophe that was her dance team, if only for a few hours. And with this light, fluttery feeling, everything seemed more manageable. 

For now, she could do this, wanted to do this. The thought of not being with Dorian anymore… It didn’t feel right, and she was actually looking forward to Monday, when she would see him again.

She knew this, they, would have to end one way or another, but she couldn’t let go just yet.

Chapter Text

But I hear music

I feel the beat

And for a moment

When I'm dancing, I am free

-Florence + The Machine, Free

Manon stared at the blank document, hoping that maybe, just maybe, if she stared at it long enough, all the words would magically write themselves. 

It was Saturday, and she still hadn’t started on that damn history paper, which was due in no less than four days.

She had never been this late with anything, usually it would be handed in by now, but Manon was too stressed about everything else to be stressed about this. It was only two pages, anyway, and history was easy once she got started.

I wonder when that is gonna be…

Groaning, Manon slammed her laptop shut and turned on the TV instead. She would just do something else, and then inspiration would suddenly strike or the last-minute panic would work it’s magic.

If her grandmother had seen her now, slacking like this…

This is not how you get into college, Manon.

She cursed, and reopened her laptop. Hesitantly, she started on a headline. The…

«For fucks sake! Just pick something!» Manon scolded herself, willing her brain to focus. Abraxos shot her a look from the other end of the couch, probably wondering why she was yelling at herself like a crazy person. 

The…

The Cold War

There! Now she had something and Manon could take a well-earned phone break, knowing deep down she hadn’t accomplished shit. 

Her phone lit up as she pressed the home-button, and she was met with a picture of the dance team from a competition last year. Immediately, she latched onto the image of a grinning Asterin, her face so bright it was nearly glowing.

It was a huge contrast to the way she had looked the last time Manon had seen her.

With a sigh, Manon opened her latest message-thread with Asterin. She had lost count of how many times she’d opened this thread now, meaning to say something, anything, only to close it again. The last text had been sent before their grandmother had found out that Asterin was pregnant, and kicked her out.

Won’t make it to practice today:/ Talk when you get home?<3

It had only been weeks a few, yet it felt like years since Manon had come home to her cousin cooking dinner, or barging into Manon’s room, talking her into at least watching a movie since it was a Friday night, and school could wait another day.

God, Manon missed her cousin.

Her stomach churned with anxiety and guilt, worrying whether Asterin was okay or not, and she ached with longing, missing something she hadn’t even known she’d had. Not really.

All this pain, and still, that small, evil part of Manon was angry, too. Angry that Asterin had been so stupid when she knew the risks, knew what their grandmother was capable of. 

Before she had even written anything, Manon exited the thread. Her grandmother had made it clear what would happen if she so much as looked at Asterin, and Asterin had every right to never speak with Manon, ever again, after how she’d treated her.

Instead, she opened her thread with Dorian, already feeling a little better as she thought of talking with him, laughing with him, kissing him.

She knew it was stupid, knew this thing between them had an expiration date, not far into the future, but she wasn’t getting any work done anyway, and being with him was the only thing she could think of to make her feel just a little bit better. No matter how much these feelings scared her. 

So Manon sucked in a sharp breath, and typed: Do you want to hang out at my place today? 

After the text had been sent, she turned off her phone and threw it away, nearly hitting a grumpy Abraxos in the process.

«Sorry,» she grimaced, reaching over to pet him as her phone chimed once, twice, three times in a row.

Rolling her eyes, Manon picked it back up, not at all surprised, when she thought about it, that he had answered so fast, and so…enthusiastically. 

Dorian: Uhmmmm

Dorian: Is glee season three the best????

Manon had to smile a little even if she was very confused. As annoying as his rambling could be, it was also kinda cute.

Dorian: The answer is yes, if I wasn’t being clear enough:):)

Dorian: So what’s your super exclusive, super secret address?;)

Chuckling, Manon gave him her address, Dorian immediately replying with a Be there in 15<3.

-

«What’s up?» Dorian said as soon as Manon opened the door. He was leaning against the door frame, hair pulled down halfway over his eyes, looking down at her with smoldering eyes. He looked like the guy from literally every cheesy high school rom-com ever made.

«Oh my god, just get inside you idiot,» Manon answered, not sounding as annoyed as she’d intended to. 

Dorian shut the door behind him. «Yeah, no, I promise to never do that again.»

«Swear it, or I’ll make you leave again.» Manon met his eyes, and her death stare caved the moment he grinned at her. 

«I swear it on season three of glee,» Dorian said, voice solemn as he placed a hand over his heart.

Manon shook her head, but she was grinning now too, and then she turned and walked back into the living room. «I have no idea what that even means.»

«Don’t tell me you’ve never seen glee?» Dorian asked from behind her, apparently very shocked she’d never seen this show, or whatever it was.

«Uhm no, and judging by the look on your face, I’m not going to either.»

Manon prepared herself for the battle of wills she’d probably, okay certainly, lose in the end, but it never came.

Instead, Dorian gasped, and beelined towards where Abraxos was still laying on the couch. «Is this the famous Abraxos?!»

«Yeah, though he’s very shy around most people, especially strangers, so he’ll probably run and hide somewhere in any moment.»

Dorian still reached out to pet him, thus waking the cat from his slumber, but he didn’t run for his life, like Manon had expected. 

No, the tiny fucker purred louder than ever as soon as Dorian touched him, and when Dorian sat down next to the cat, he got up, walked the few steps onto Dorian’s lap, and stayed there.

Manon was sure she looked like an idiot as she stared down on the pair and simply gaped, but Dorian was too busy telling Abraxos how he was «the cutest cat in the whole world» to notice.

«He loves me!» Dorian exclaimed, looking annoyingly proud of himself.

«I wouldn’t be that happy, he also loves dead bugs.»

«Yeah right, you can just call me the cat whisperer from now on, because this handsome little man totally adores me.»

Abraxos purred even louder at that.

And no matter how much it annoyed her, the sight also made Manon feel all warm and tingly, easing her anxiety for now.

Still, later, when Dorian left for a moment to get a glass of water, Manon locked eyes with a smug Abraxos and mouthed traitor. 

-

The last thing Dorian had expected on this boring Saturday was a text from Manon, asking him to hang out, but he was very happy for it now. They were sprawled on her couch, halfway through the first episode of glee, and Dorian didn’t know what was more entertaining, watching the show itself, or watching Manon watch it.

«I don’t even have words,» Manon said for probably the fifth time in twenty minutes. He turned away from the TV to look at her, and had to smile at the look of pure disgust mixed with confusion on her face. 

«You could try and express your feelings through song instead.»

Manon shifted her eyes to him, her stare promising death if he made one more joke about spontaneously breaking out into song, and said, «This is the worst show I have watched in my whole life, I think. It’s even worse than Riverdale.» She shuddered as she said the last bit.

«But in a good way, right?» Dorian couldn’t help but tease her.

«Absolutely not,» Manon frowned, though she looked back at the TV.

«I bet you secretly loooove it,» Dorian kept going.

«I will throw a pillow at you.»

«Wouldn’t that distract you from your new favourite show?»

«I’m serious, I will throw it at you. I throw hard,» Manon threatened, but they were both laughing now, and she was so beautiful when she laughed, and they both leaned closer, and then their lips met, show forgotten, and Dorian could do this all day, and-

Manon was the first to draw back, panting slightly. Of course, they had to breathe, Dorian had forgotten. 

He swept his gaze over her flushed face, lingering on her lips, so pink and swollen.

Mere seconds later, he leaned forward again, tasting her sweet mouth, his hands finding her hair, stroking her cheeks, her arms, pulling her closer. He could feel her own hands clinging to him, exploring his back, his chest, moving lower-

«We should probably stop,» Manon whispered against his lips, but then she kissed him again, her tongue finding it’s way into his mouth, and nothing had ever tasted so good, felt so good, and he could feel his dick getting harder and harder, and then Manon let out a low moan, and they probably should stop, but-

A thud sounded, and Manon practically jumped to the other end of the couch. Dorian quickly sobered, looking around to find the source of the noise, but all he could see was Abraxos heading towards the kitchen. Why would that startle Manon so much?

Then it hit him. She’d asked him to hang out today, at her place, which meant that her grandmother, who was very strict, from what he’d gathered, probably wasn’t around.

He searched Manon’s face, and to his relief, saw that she’d relaxed a little, probably coming to the same conclusion as to where the sound came from as him. Carefully, he asked, «Is your grandmother coming home soon?»

It was as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice water over them both, but Manon shook her head, cringing slightly. «She’s on a business trip until Monday, but…»

When she never finished the sentence, Dorian tried again, «Would you be in a lot of trouble if she knew I was here right now?»

Something in her eyes darkened slightly, but he’d barely registered it before it was gone again, and she smiled. «No, no, don’t worry. By the way, how far have you gotten on that history paper?»

-

Later that day, Dorian was sitting in his room, writing some more on his history paper. They’d gotten started at Manon’s, after she’d so elegantly changed the subject to avoid talking about her grandmother. 

Dorian’s gut feeling told him he should have asked more. He still hadn’t gotten over that look on her face, or how scared she’d seemed when she thought someone had come home. Maybe he was overreacting, but he would ask her again the next time he saw her. She’d seemed okay for now, at least. 

When they’d gotten started on their papers together, they’d quickly returned to that easy, carefree chemistry Dorian had gotten so used to over the past few weeks, laughing and teasing each other. They’d even been surprisingly productive, and now Dorian only had a page left.

Before he got started on the next paragraph, he sent a quick text to Manon.

Dorian: Halfway done now. I believe I might actually finish it before deadline this time!

Dorian couldn’t help but smile at how quickly she replied, as if she’d been waiting for him to text her.

Manon: Who even are you?

Dorian: Some people call me the cat whisperer

That had easily been the highlight of his day, maybe even his week, Dorian thought, when Manon’s very shy cat had liked him instantly and refused to leave his side. He wished he’d gotten a picture of Manon’s face as the cat crawled into his lap.

Manon: Never heard of him.

Dorian: Ask Abraxos:)

Manon: [redacted]

Dorian laughed out loud at that, the sound echoing in his empty room. He truly hadn’t laughed as much as he did with Manon in ages. Of course, he had Aelin and Chaol, but he felt like Manon saw him in a way no one else did.

He could be both funny or happy and sad or anxious with her, and she never demanded or expected anything from him. He could talk to her about everything, serious or not, and she would understand. With Manon, he could just be.

Suddenly more serious, he sent her another text.

Dorian: I really enjoyed being with you today, you know

The typing bubbles appeared, disappeared, appeared again, for what felt like forever, until she answered.

Manon: Me too<3

It filled Dorian with a new kind of warmth. The words, the heart, all of it. 

He stepped away from the desk, history project abandoned, and fell down on his bed instead. Closing his eyes, Dorian let himself think for a moment, how grateful he was that he’d met Manon. 

For the first time in a long while, he believed that everything could actually be okay in the end.

And as his mom called from downstairs to say that dinner was ready, Dorian decided that he would come out to his parents. Tonight.

Chapter Text

And it’s breaking over me

A thousand miles down to the seabed

Found the place to rest my head

Never let me go, never let me go

-Florence + The Machine, Never Let Me Go

«Family dinner» was the usual, and Dorian was starting to rethink his decision from earlier. The only sounds that could be heard in the spacious dining room was a fork clinking against a plate, or Hollin chewing with his mouth open. 

His mom had poured herself a generous glass of wine before dinner even started, saying this kid keeps giving me headaches, because Hollin had thrown a tantrum when he couldn’t have pizza for dinner. 

Dorian’s father was scrolling on his phone, ignoring his family, and seemingly oblivious to the tense atmosphere in the room. Occasionally, he would make some snide comment about whatever «politically correct bullshit» he read on Facebook.

In other words, Dorian was moments away from losing it. 

He’d felt so great earlier, riding the high of just being in Manon Blackbeak’s presence, that he’d even decided he would come out to his parents, tonight.

Now, he wasn’t sure how he’d be able to form a single sound.

All he wanted was to finish his dinner and head back upstairs as fast as possible. Yet he kept trying to speak up, kept trying to find the words. He would open his mouth, willing his voice to just work, but it wouldn’t, and Dorian feared this attempt would end like all the others.

He felt angry, frustrated, but also pathetic. Why was it such a big deal to him? It wasn’t like he was the first bisexual person to ever walk the earth, and his parents probably wouldn’t even care, at best, and maybe he shouldn’t-

Dorian stopped himself before he finished that thought. Coming out was important to him, because while his sexuality didn’t define him, it was still a big part of him, and he was done tip-toeing around his own family, anxious they would somehow find out on their own.

Without thinking, Dorian stood up, his chair scraping loudly against the floor. It had been so abrupt he even got his father’s attention, and the man was now staring at him, expecting him to leave the table.

But Dorian remained, completely frozen. 

His hands were clammy, and he could feel his heart racing. Now, he had to do it now. 

Before Dorian could even try to speak, his father asked in a bored voice, «Did you want anything, Dorian?» 

Dorian was just as tall as his father, taller, even, and the man was currently sitting down, for fuck’s sake, but right now he made Dorian feel smaller than ever. Insignificant.

«Yeah, I…» This was worse than imagined, and Dorian felt himself slowly beginning to panic. «I-»

Even his mom was staring at him now, her gaze more alert than it had been in a long, long time. There was a sort of desperation there, one Dorian couldn’t decipher.

He looked down at his hands, white-knuckled from gripping the back of the chair.

What were you thinking? he asked himself, ready to just turn on his heel and leave.

Then he remembered.

He remembered how Chaol had hugged him when he’d started sobbing after telling him, so relieved to have told just one important person in his life, remembered how Aelin had grinned, getting exited over the possibility of discussing «hot boys» with her best friend, proving that nothing between them had changed.

He remembered Manon. No judgement on her face, only curiosity and a soft smile she often wasn’t aware she was making.

Dorian drew a deep breath. He could do this. He would be okay, he had to be when he had his friends, had Manon. He could do this.

«I wanted to tell you something,» he began, once more looking at his father, whom now radiated impatience. Say it! Say it now!

«I’ve been trying to tell you for a while, actually…» 

Just rip off the band-aid, Dorian.

«I’m bisexual.»

It went quiet, even Hollin freezing momentarily, and the stillness was so loud Dorian worried it would choke him.

The first person to say something was his mother, to Dorian’s great surprise. «Dorian, you shouldn’t joke about this.» She was smiling stiffly, her voice light, but her eyes were still pleading, boring into him with a burning intensity. Unease spread in his body, and it confused him, seeing her so present, like she actually cared about something. Cared about him.

Shaking his head, Dorian stammered, «W-what? I’m not-»

But before he could finish, his father stood up slowly, his hard gaze sweeping over Dorian once. «Get out.»

The unease turned into a knife, stabbing him once, twice.

«Please-»

It was his mother again, and her words shocked Dorian to his core. His father quickly dragged him back to reality, though, and ice spread through him at the cruel words.

«If you’re gay, son, at least have the balls to fully admit it. Not this…What did you call it again? Bi-sexual bullshit. I can barely even stomach to look at you right now, the way you dare disrespect me like this. You can come back when you’ve decided to be a man. Now. Get. Out. Of. My. House!»

What unnerved Dorian the most, was how his voice stayed completely calm, cold, until those last words. Then his father picked up his wine-glass and chucked it into the wall behind Dorian, making him flinch as the glass broke into a thousand little pieces.

His mother stayed silent this time, and Dorian didn’t know which betrayal hurt the most.

Heart pounding, ears ringing, he turned and quietly left, avoiding the glass-shards on the floor. 

Dorian felt empty. Drained.

He’d expected himself to start sobbing the moment he was alone, but as the front-door shut behind him, the emptiness remained.

Was this what it was like to be in shock?

Lifting his phone, Dorian tried to debate his options, who to call, but the buzzing in his mind was too loud.

He was cold, too, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of his father’s words, or because it was November and he’d forgotten his jacket.

Instead of calling someone, Dorian started walking.

-

Manon had just settled under her blanket when someone knocked on her window.

She froze, breaths turning uneven. Asterin.

The last time Asterin had come knocking on her window, it had been the night before school started. She’d been at a party, and had been giggling as she’d laid down in Manon’s bed, telling her about Hunter for the first time.

So much had changed from that night. 

The knocking came again, and Manon realized she still hadn’t moved. She was afraid of what she would find on the other side, honestly, and what if her grandmother came home early, or found out in some other way?

Manon threw the blanket aside and got up, slowly walking towards the window. She couldn’t see anything, it was too dark, but she knew what she would find. Asterin, heartbroken or injured or-

She shouldn’t have trusted Hunter, Manon’d had a bad feeling from the start, and now Asterin was all alone, kicked out of their home, fucking pregnant.

But then Manon opened the window, and her heart stopped, because it wasn’t Asterin, it was Dorian.

Stepping back slightly, she took in the sight of him.

His eyes were wide, his face pale, but she couldn’t see that he was in pain in any way, and it didn’t look like he’d been crying. He was shivering though, and she noticed he was only wearing a thin sweater, outside, in November!

«Jesus Christ! Get inside before you freeze to death!» She stepped back even further to give him enough space to climb in, not knowing what to say or do.

Dorian didn’t say anything either, as he slowly climbed through the window, then slowly walked toward her bed in the middle of the room, then slowly slid down to the floor, sitting with his back against the bed.

And then he sat there, staring at a spot on the floor.

Hesitantly, Manon moved, crouching down in front of him, trying to meet his eyes. She felt sick with worry, trying to figure out what had made him like…this. 

«Dorian?» she tried carefully, but she got no reaction. Was he drunk? Had he taken drugs? Manon couldn’t make sense of it. He’d been fine when he left earlier. «What happened?» she then whispered, lifting a hand to his cheek, the touch featherlight.

That’s when he finally looked up at her, and Manon’s heart broke for the boy she had come to care so much for as his face crumpled almost in slow motion, and he broke down into choked sobs.

Pure instinct made her pull him into a tight hug, and Dorian simply buried his head between her neck and shoulder, breaths heaving as he wept. She could feel his tears soaking through her shirt at some point, but she didn’t mind.

Instead, she sat there, holding him and stroking his back, telling him to breathe, telling him it would be okay, until the sobs died down, and the world was once more quiet. Manon had no idea how long they sat there on the floor.

When Dorian lifted his head, Manon pulled away slightly to survey him. His eyes were read and puffy, and he looked exhausted, but at least he didn’t have that distant look anymore. It had terrified her to see him like that. 

«Are you cold?» Though Manon had no idea what she was doing, it was the most logic thing to ask him right now. He’d been outside without a jacket, after all, and by the looks of it, he’d walked all the way here, which meant he’d been outside for a long time.

Dorian looked at her for a moment, before answering. «Not anymore.»

They were both whispering, afraid to disturb the calm that had now fallen over them. 

«Would you like to sleep, then? You look tired…» Manon chewed her lip, looking down as she waited for his answer. He just nodded, but none of them moved.

It was madness to have a boy sleeping over, but her grandmother wasn’t coming home in another two days, anyway, and frankly…Manon didn’t care right now. Dorian was more important.

Things had changed. Manon knew that, but she hadn’t realized until that moment how much.

«You can take my bed, and I’ll, uh-»

Manon didn’t know what to say next. She had been about to offer taking Asterin’s old room for the night, but she’d gotten insecure, and hesitated. They hadn’t defined whatever was between them, but would it be so weird to share a bed when you’d been making out non-stop for weeks?

Not the moment to think about this! she chastised herself. Dorian needed to sleep, that was her mission.

Before she could overthink it any more, Dorian pulled her out of it, like he had read her mind or something. «Please, will you stay with me?»

He pressed his forehead to hers, and Manon nodded, before placing a soft kiss on his lips. 

Then she got up and started to move a few of the million pillows she had, off the bed, and onto the floor, so her double bed actually had room for two people. Dorian stood up too, limbs heavy with weariness. 

Their eyes met from across the room, and lingered on one another. Manon cleared her throat, her cheeks warming from what she was about to say next. «It’s okay if you wanna take off your pants. Sleeping in jeans can’t be comfortable.» 

«Trying to get me naked already, Blackbeak?» Manon nearly wept in relief at the bit of normality. His smirk didn’t fully convince her, but he was trying, he was making his usual jokes.

«I’ll go get you a glass of water while you-» she gestured vaguely in his direction, «-undress.» Then she left the room.

When she got back, glass in hand, Dorian was already under the covers, laying on his side, though not asleep yet. She placed the water on the nightstand on his side, then climbed in herself, noticing his pants discarded on the floor. 

Manon was wearing an old t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants, so it wasn’t like they were naked, but it still felt awkward. The bed wasn’t so big they could go a whole night without brushing against one another.

They both shifted, now laying face-to-face, and then Dorian said, words so quiet they were barely audible, «I came out to my parents tonight.»

«Oh?» His words, the way he’d looked standing outside her window, made dread pool in her belly. She didn’t like where this was going…

«My father told me to get out.» A tear slipped down his cheek, and Manon lifted a trembling hand to brush it away. 

«Dorian…»

He then told her the rest of the cruel, hateful words his disgusting father had said, and how his mother had tried at first, but ultimately just stood there as his father kicked out his own son. Tears had been steadily running down his cheeks as he whispered, and by the time he was done, Manon had pulled him into another hug, wanting to strangle his father.

«What I can’t stop thinking about, though, is how she looked like she actually cared about me for a moment. Why didn’t she do more?»

The question made Manon nauseous. Was she much better? Hadn’t she let the same exact thing happen to Asterin?

«Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not like they have to know, right?»

At that, Manon pulled away abruptly. «This wasn’t your fault, Dorian.» Just like it hadn’t been Asterin’s fault.

«I know, I just-»

«No, if you don’t want to keep your sexuality a secret, you shouldn’t have to, and it fucking sucks that there are people like your father who doesn’t respect that. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.» Manon sounded angry, almost, but it was important to her that Dorian understood this.

Another tear landed on his cheek as he nodded, lips forming an almost-smile. «Thank you. And I’m sorry to bother you with my problems like this-»

Manon placed a finger on his lips this time, shushing him. «Don’t you dare. I’m glad you’re here. I wish it was under better circumstances, but I’m glad to have you here.»

Dorian didn’t answer her, but his eyes told her enough. I’m glad to be with you, too.

They both went quiet for a while, when Dorian suddenly said, «You know, this was not how I imagined us sharing a bed for the first time.» Manon could feel herself go bright red, thinking of what his words implied. He imagines us sharing a bed. She quickly shut that thought down, though, because now was not the time.

«Weren’t you tired?»

«Tell me something, to help me fall asleep.»

«Like what?»

«I don’t know…Tell me about your parents.»

Manon blew out a long breath, though she didn’t mind the question. After what he’d told her tonight, she owed him a bit of naked truth, and Manon even found that she wanted to open up to him. «There’s not really much to tell. My mom died when I was very, very little, and my dad has never been in the picture.»

«So it’s always been just you and your grandmother?» 

«Yeah.» And Asterin.

«Don’t you wonder what they were like?»

«I mean of course, but not really. They’re both practically strangers. My grandmother barely talks about my mom. She made a lot of bad choices, I think.» 

Dorian nodded, eyes closing.

Manon did wonder, though. She often wondered who she looked like the most, who she acted like the most, or if she was all her grandmother’s influence at this point. 

When she was little, she’d fantasized about what it would be like if she’d been raised by her mother and father instead.

Guilt struck her. Her grandmother had always made sure she’d had everything she needed, had kept her fed, clothed, made sure she had a roof over her head. Manon should be grateful for the sacrifices she’d made.

Yet her mind kept spinning, images forming of a soft voice asking her how her day had been, two proud faces smiling at her from the audience of a dance recital, a fridge covered in childish drawings and then tests, even if a bright red B adorned them. 

Manon tried to ignore the way her eyes stung as she found Dorian’s hand under the blanket, taking it in hers. 

The last thing she remembered before falling asleep was Dorian mouthing thank you, and Abraxos suddenly appearing, curling against them both at the foot of the bed.

Chapter Text

Gone are the days of begging

The days of theft

No more gasping for a breath

The air has filled me head to toe

-Florence + The Machine, Between Two Lungs

When Manon had fallen asleep, she and Dorian had been resting side by side, their shoulders barely brushing against each other, but their hands intertwined. 

Now, as she slowly woke up, she was lying on her side, a pair of arms wrapped around her middle. Dorian had to be asleep, still, because she could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest against her back.

Twisting around, Manon allowed herself to shamelessly study his face. He looked so peaceful, such a contrast from the pain and panic she’d seen in him last night.

What his parents had said and done… It filled her with such rage she wanted to scream, but that wasn’t what Dorian needed right now, so she pushed it down.

Even if it had felt like a punch in the gut when he’d told her how his mother had just stood there, doing nothing, while his father kicked him out. It felt too close to her own situation. Was Asterin just as hurt by how Manon had done nothing? Right now, however, it wasn’t about her, so she wouldn’t think about it.

Instead, Manon lifted her hand, gently brushing a finger against Dorian’s lips. They were so soft, and something within her stirred at the thought of kissing them.

The featherlight touch was enough to stir Dorian awake too, though, and his eyes fluttered for a moment, before blinking open. They were still slightly red and puffy, along with his cheeks, Manon now noticed, but Dorian gave her a lazy smile as he found her studying him.

«Hi,» he said in a raspy voice.

«Hey,» Manon answered, her own voice just as raw.

For a long moment they just stared at each other, neither of them saying anything. They had too much to talk about, too little time to stay in this bubble they had created.

One of Dorian’s hands, which were still wrapped around Manon, began stroking up and down her back in soothing motions.

«How did you sleep?» 

The way Dorian winced was answer enough on its own, along with the dark circles under his eyes, but he said, «Better than I thought I would.»

Manon could see the exact moment he decided to cover up the gravity of the situation with his usual teasing and swagger, and his smirk wasn’t fully convincing, but she played along. They could talk later.

«I would have slept much better if you didn’t snore so loudly though.»

Manon gasped, clutching her non-existent pearls. «I do not snore! That you would even suggest such a thing-»

But she smiled, feeling a little lighter, and she could glimpse the usual humor in Dorian’s eyes.

«Why do you think Abraxos left in the middle of the night?»

Throwing a glance at the foot of the bed, Manon confirmed it was indeed empty. She hadn’t even realized her cat wasn’t in the bed with them anymore. Oops…

«He probably left because you take up all the space.»

Dorian scoffed. «What?! That is absurd. Outrageous. Absolute tomfoolery-»

That made Manon snort with laughter, and Dorian soon joined her. They were both grinning now.

«You’re pretty cute when you sleep, though. Even if you snore…»

He still smiled, but his eyes bored into her with a sudden intensity. One that made butterflies appear in her stomach.

«I told you I don’t snore, so I don’t know who you slept with last night,» Manon claimed, fluttering her eyelashes for emphasis.

Raising one eyebrow, Dorian said, «Are you trying to tell me you get possessed by a seventy-year-old man every night? Because that’s actually what you sound like.»

«Oh shut up!»

«Make me.»

So Manon did, by crashing her lips against his.

-

A while later, they were both standing in the kitchen, Manon watching as Dorian made scrambled eggs, Abraxos snaking himself against their legs in hope of getting a treat. It was almost 11 already, but seeing that it was a Sunday, they had all the time in the world to avoid talking about everything.

Or at least until Monday, when they both had school and Manon’s grandmother came back.

As if sensing her thoughts, Dorian turned away from the eggs, asking, «Your grandmother was coming back tomorrow, right?»

And just like that, their bubble was burst.

«Yeah…» Manon looked down as she spoke, unable to meet his eyes. They both knew he couldn’t stay here forever, but Manon felt awful for it. He’d just been kicked out of his own home, for fuck’s sake. 

«I want to let you stay, I really do, but my grandmother-» Before she could continue, Dorian stepped closer, cupping her face.

«I know. You’ve already done so much for me, Manon. Don’t feel bad.»

Manon placed her hands over his, getting lost in his blue eyes.

«I’ll call Chaol or Aelin later today. I can stay with one of them for a while, until I figure out what to do.» It amazed her how he managed to sound so certain, so reassured, after yesterday’s events, so she told him as much.

«You’re amazing, you know that?»

Dorian beamed at her, but then the moment was interrupted when a phone started ringing in the distance.

«Shit, that’s mine,» Dorian said, but he didn’t pull away. 

Pressing a quick kiss to his lips, Manon urged him, «Go. I’ll finish breakfast for us.»

Dorian obeyed, disappearing down the hallway, and Manon shifted her attention to the forgotten eggs on the stove, which were moments away from burning.

It didn’t take long before Dorian returned to the kitchen, ringing phone in hand and a look of shock and disbelief on his face.

«It’s my mom.»

-

Dorian just stared at his phone, letting it ring for what seemed like forever, before it finally went silent. He hadn’t believed it at first, when he’d seen who was calling, but it was his mother. He couldn’t even remember the last time she’d called him.

A moment passed, and then it started again, the display still reading Mom. Dorian was frozen, fearing what would happen if he answered.

«Hey,» Manon said in a soft voice, having walked over to him without his notice. «If you don’t like what she has to say, you can just hang up.»

Her words gave him the courage to press answer before it stopped ringing again.

With shaking hands, he lifted the phone to his ear, but he didn’t say anything. 

«Dorian?» The voice on the other sounded like his mom’s, but also not. It was too present, too caring.

He nodded at first, but then realized she couldn’t actually see him, and forced out a quiet «Yeah?»

Manon took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

His mother went silent for a little while, but then he heard her sniffle, as if she was crying, before she said, «Are you far away?»

Dorian wasn’t sure what was happening right now. His mother didn’t call to ask where he was. His mother was too deep in her wine glass to care about anything. His mother had just sat there last night while his father basically disowned him simply for being bisexual.

Except she hadn’t.

Dorian remembered now, how she’d tried to stop him. And it hit him, all of a sudden, that it hadn’t been to avoid an argument during family dinner. No, the intensity, the alertness in those eyes…that had been a mother desperately trying to protect her child.

That moment of action didn’t undo all the other times when she’d remained silent during his father’s constant berating, but it mattered.

To Dorian, it mattered.

«No.»

His heart was still hammering, but he managed short, simple answers.

«I-, I would like to talk to you, to apologize.»

«Okay.»

«But maybe it’s best in person?»

«Yeah.»

«Do you think you could come home? When you’re ready?»

«Mom-»

«Your dad isn’t here….He left last night. I’ll explain later.»

That got his attention. What the fuck had happened after he’d been thrown out? 

«What?»

«I’ll explain in person. I promise, Dorian.»

He looked to Manon, who’d remained by his side this whole time, breakfast forgotten. He still held her hand, as if it was a lifeline, but when she gave him a fierce look, along with a nod of encouragement, he knew what he had to do, even if it scared him.

Taking a deep breath, Dorian finally answered, «Okay. Give me an hour.»

Then he hung up.

-

An hour later, Dorian was walking up to his house with no idea what to expect. Did he even live here, still?

He refused to get his hopes up, for his own sake, refused to believe his mom would finally start being…well, a mom.

Not even 24 hours ago, he’d stood in this very spot, feeling empty and alone, betrayed, thinking he’d just lost his home.

Now, he was just as shocked, but his time with Manon had left him with a little more courage.

After he’d hung up, he’d shared a quiet breakfast with Manon. She’d offered to go with him, and he’d wanted to say yes, but deep down he knew he had to do this on his own. 

So they’d finished their breakfast, and after a long embrace (and a few kisses), he’d left, Manon wishing him good luck and telling him to call at any moment if he needed to.

What would meet him inside that house, no one knew, but it couldn’t get much worse than last night, and he’d survived that, so he could survive this too.

Dorian gave himself one more minute to try and calm down, then he stepped through the front door.

At first, there was nothing but silence, but then his mother rushed into the hallway, coming to a halt a few feet away from him. Hollin came in after her, still in his pajamas, and stopped to hide behind her legs.

Standing there, Dorian looked at his mom, not sure what he was seeing. She seemed more awake, more present, than she had in years, glad to see him whole by the way she smiled, but also nervous by the way her hands shook.

Then she spoke, the words so shocking that for a moment, Dorian believed his mother had actually been abducted by aliens, and this was the impostor they’d sent to take her place.

«Do you want pancakes?»

Dorian just blinked, and he must have looked as clueless as he felt, because his mother/alien-impostor explained, «Pancakes. Hollin and I made them for breakfast.» As she said the last part, she reached out to stroke Hollin’s hair.

Shaking his head, Dorian stammered, «I- Uh…I just had breakfast…actually.»

«Oh, okay.» His mom gestured towards the kitchen. «Would you like to sit down, so we can talk?»

«Yeah,» Dorian breathed, then he followed her into the kitchen.

He sat down by the small table, nothing like the huge, too-formal one in the dining room. Dorian couldn’t help but feel relieved they weren’t having this conversation there. Throwing a nervous glance at the room, it seemed like the mess from last night had been cleaned up.

«Just give me a moment,» his mom said, then she led Hollin into the living room. The way she spoke to him, so gentle and caring, baffled him.

«Why don’t you watch a movie while me and Dorian have a chat? We’ll be right in the kitchen if you need anything, alright? You can come and get me at any moment.»

Dorian could vaguely recall a time when his mother had been this soft and gentle person, but the few good years had easily been overshadowed by the later years, when she’d been distant and drunk most of the time,

Those early years had been good years, though, Dorian thought. He remembered being a pretty happy child, feeling safe and loved. His father had been gone a lot of the time, either at work or traveling, but he’d had his mom and her family.

Then something had changed, seemingly out of the blue. His dad became more controlling, his mom more distant. Their relatives stopped visiting. Then Hollin had been born, and things had gotten even worse.

Lost in thought, Dorian didn’t notice that his mother was back until the noise of a chair scraping against the floor filled the otherwise quiet room.

She sat down across from him, and to his great shock, yet again, she was cupping not a glass of wine, but a mug of coffee. It was into said cup she stared as she spoke. «I don’t even know where to start.»

Not knowing either, Dorian just asked the question he needed the answer to the most: «Where’s dad?»

«I told him to leave last night, so he did.»

His mother finally looked him in the eyes, then, her expression so awake, despite the dark circles. She looked like she’d slept just as little as him.

It sounded so simple, but he knew there was no way it could have been. A million possible replies went through Dorian’s head, but in the end he chose to go with «How?»

She took a long sip of her coffee, before she started explaining.

«As soon as you’d closed the door last night, Hollin completely lost it. He flung himself to the floor and started screaming, hands covering his head. Your dad told me to deal with it, then shut himself inside his office. It took forever to calm your brother down, and I swear I have never seen anyone so terrified…the look on his face-»

His mother stopped for a moment, as if lost in thought, but Dorian didn’t say anything, only waited for her to continue.

«After he’d calmed down in his room, and I’d assured him you were okay, I went to talk to your father, told him I wanted him gone immediately. He just laughed it off at first, but then I reminded him that I actually own this house, that he was nothing before me, that he would still be nothing without me, and it seemed to resonate with him, if only a little.»

Dorian was too stunned to speak. He knew that his mother came from a rich family, and that his father absolutely didn’t, but this-

«Then, I threatened to call the police if he didn’t get out of my house. I don’t think he would have been charged with anything, but it would have damaged his reputation greatly, so he packed a few bags and took off like the coward he is.»

There was no remorse in her voice, no fear, only steely resolve.

«What if he comes back?» Dorian found himself whispering.

«Then he’ll be met with a locked door. I’ll even get a restraining order if I need to.»

Dorian needed a moment to reconcile this woman sitting in front of him with the mother he knew. It was too good to be true. She couldn’t have just decided she wanted to try from now on. It couldn’t be that easy.

«What changed?»

She swallowed. «I’m not sure you’re aware of it, but you looked at me last night, as if begging me to do something, say something, and then when I didn’t, the disappointment in your eyes…as if you knew I wouldn’t act, yet you hoped-»

A tear escaped, then another. «I have never felt so ashamed of myself. Someone was hurting my child, and I just sat there and did nothing. Then it hit me, how I barely even know you anymore. You’ve grown into a wonderful, bright young man, and I can take no credit for it.»

Dorian felt tears of his own fall down his cheeks, and as he sniffled, his mom reached out to grab his hand.

«I’m so sorry, Dorian. For last night, for all the other nights, for the previous years-»

The tears kept falling, but he let them.

«It also hit me that while it might be too late for me to be the mom you deserve, it’s not too late for Hollin. He’s still so young-»

«It’s not too late,» Dorian managed to choke out. 

His mom let out a sob at that, and for a while, they just sat there, crying together over everything they’d lost.

«I can’t promise you things will be perfect, but I’m gonna try, Dorian. For you and Hollin, I’m gonna try.»

Dorian nodded.

«I’m seeing a therapist on Tuesday, already, and I’ve made an appointment with a divorce lawyer.»

He’d promised himself he wouldn’t, but her words filled him with such hope. Maybe things would actually change for the better.

«I also spent a few hours on the phone last night, with your aunt Philippa. Do you remember her?»

Nodding once more, Dorian recalled the image of his aunt. His mother had lost touch with her sister several years ago, but they’d been close when he was little. She was a few years younger than his mom, and as far as he knew, still unmarried with no kids. He’d liked aunt Philippa.

«She’s coming to stay for a while,» his mom said, smiling faintly now. Things really were changing.

Her smile quickly fell, though, at what she said next. «I’ll also start attending AA-meetings.» She looked down. «I know I have a problem, but I’ll try my best to get better.» Dorian looked over her shoulder, towards the wine rack hanging on the wall, but it was empty.

Squeezing his mother’s hand, Dorian whispered, «That sounds like a good idea.»

They talked some more, having a lot to work through, but then his mom asked, «Did you stay with Chaol last night? Or Aelin? You are still friends with them, right?»

Dorian let out a chuckle. «Yeah, I am.» Then his face went warm as he thought of how he’d woken up this morning, the body he’d been pressed against. «I stayed with Manon, though.»

«Is she your girlfriend?»

Dorian quickly shook his head, slightly mortified.

«But she’s more than a friend?» his mom pried, raising an eyebrow.

Was he that obvious?

As if reading his mind, she said, «Your whole face changed when you said her name. In a good way, though.»

That made him blush even more, and he mumbled something about them not labeling anything.

«As long as she makes you happy. Though I always thought you would end up with Chaol.»

Her words didn’t register at first, but when they did, he burst into tears once more. After last night-

It was such a subtle, casual way to let him know she fully accepted his sexuality, and it meant the world to Dorian. He hadn’t known how much he needed this.

As he sobbed, his mom stood up and came around to his side of the table, pulling him into a tight hug. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d hugged his mom.

And as she whispered «My brave, beautiful boy. I love you so much», he finally believed everything would be alright.

-

A while later, Dorian entered the living room, where Hollin was sprawled on the couch, hypnotized by what seemed to be a Cars movie.

The seven-year-old was so transfixed he didn’t even notice when Dorian sat down next to him. 

«Is that the one with the spies?»

Hollin nodded absentmindedly. 

«Awesome! I love that one.»

That seemed to catch his attention, because the kid twisted his entire body, frowning at Dorian. «Really?»

«Yeah,» Dorian shrugged. In fact, he’d watched it with Chaol and Aelin just a few weeks ago. Their movie night may or may not have also involved alcohol, but it had still been hilarious.

Hollin stared at him for a long moment, before he flung himself at him. Dorian was stunned for a few seconds, but quickly returned the embrace.

«I’m glad you’re still my brother,» Hollin mumbled into his chest, burrowing even closer.

His words broke Dorian’s heart, and he held back a fresh wave of tears as he said, «I’ll always be your brother, dude.»

Then they both settled on the couch, Hollin snuggling against Dorian’s side, to watch the rest of the movie. All throughout, Hollin excitedly told Dorian about which cars were his favorites and why.

Dorian’s phone buzzed once, and he picked it up to find a text from Manon:

Manon: How did it go? Are you okay?

His heart warmed at her concern, and he found himself smiling at his phone.

Dorian: We’re all good for now

Dorian: Had a really long talk

Dorian: I’ll call you later tonight

Dorian: Thank you, btw, for yesterday<3

Dorian: And this morning<3<3

Manon: <3<3

Chapter Text

Then it tries to find a home

With people or when I’m alone

Picking it apart

And staring at your phone

-Florence + The Machine, Hunger

Dorian broke into a huge grin as he opened his Christmas present. He’d been saving this one for last, knowing it would be something good.

And he’d been right.

Inside the messily wrapped box was a special edition of his favorite book, one he’d tried to find for years without success. How she’d even gotten this-

He lifted the book, admiring the gorgeous sprayed edges, then picked up the second item. It was a custom library stamp, saying From the library of Dorian Havilliard. Dorian felt almost giddy, wanting to use it on all of his books immediately.

It really was the perfect gift, and the fact that it was from Manon made him all warm inside.

«Show me what you got,» Dorian’s mother urged from her spot next to him on the couch, trying to look over his shoulder. 

On the floor, aunt Philippa was helping Hollin build his new Lego’s.

It had been over a month now, since that fateful night that had begun with Dorian coming out to his parents, and ended with his mother leaving his father, basically starting a new life for her family.

Things weren’t perfect, they’d had plenty of bad days, but they were doing better. His mother had managed to stay sober, as far as Dorian knew, and she still went to her meetings, still saw a therapist on the regular. 

Sometimes, the three of them even saw a family therapist together, and Dorian found that having someone to guide them through all the difficult conversations really helped. It had most definitely helped Hollin, who seemed like an entirely different kid now. He hardly had tantrums anymore, he did way better in school, and overall he seemed much happier.

He also seemed to adore his new aunt, whom he’d not even met before, but who’d stayed with them for three weeks after the fight, and now visited as often as possible.

Thankfully, their father had left them alone. Dorian hoped it stayed that way, that he never had to see the bastard ever again. 

Looking around, Dorian took in the small, but cozy living room he was sitting in. 

They’d moved here about a month ago, their old house being too big, too empty, too full of bad memories, and things were finally settling. Already, this felt more like a home than their old house ever had.

«Is that from Dorian’s secret girlfriend?» Philippa asked just as Dorian handed his nosy mother the book and library stamp. 

The nosiness didn’t bother him, though, not in the slightest, because it meant she cared.

«She’s not secret, and she’s also not my girlfriend,» Dorian pointed out, but his aunt just waggled her eyebrows and then joined them on the couch to take a closer look at the gift.

His mom gave him a playful look. «If she’s not secret, why does she only have time to visit when you’re home alone?»

Dorian simply shrugged, feigning innocence.

«Give it a few years, Georgie, and you’ll be planning their wedding.»

«Okay-» Dorian said, plucking his things from the hands of his gushing mother and aunt. «That’s my cue to leave.»

He quickly stood up, trying to hide the fact that he was very much blushing, and announced, «I’m going to my room, alone, so I can call my not-secret not-girlfriend.»

Then he left, hurrying as he heard his aunt quip, «Did you see how red he got?»

Dorian let out a sigh of relief as he closed the door behind him, pulling his hand through his hair. 

After carefully placing his gift on his desk, he flung himself down on the bed and pulled out his phone, dialing Manon’s number from memory (which was an absolutely normal thing to remember about a person that absolutely wasn’t one’s girlfriend).

She picked up almost immediately, and Dorian let himself imagine that maybe she’d been waiting for him to call.

«Merry Christmas,» Manon greeted, her voice so bright.

Grinning, Dorian returned the words, then asked, «What did you think of your present?»

«It’s beatiful,» Manon breathed on the other end of the line. «Thank you.»

He ‘d gotten her a necklace. It was simple, really, just a silver chain with a shining star in the middle, two smaller ones on each side, but Dorian knew he had to get it as soon as he saw it. 

«I’m actually wearing it right now,» Manon added.

«The shirt? Sexy.»

Because as Dorian stood there with the necklace, he’d also thought that while it was perfect, it was a little too cliché, too couple-y, se he’d needed to get something else as well, something less serious.

It had taken a few days of searching, but he’d found it eventually: A hot pink shirt that said the words «You’re looking at a crazy cat lady». The letters were black, in fucking comic sans, and the message was underlined by rainbow-colored paw prints. It was honestly the ugliest shirt Dorian had ever seen, but he knew Manon would love it.

She chuckled, before saying, «The necklace, dumbass. I’m saving the t-shirt for prom.»

They’d seen each other just two days ago, but it had been long enough for Dorian to miss talking to her, miss their playful banter.

Cold, unapproachable, mean, bitchy. They were all words he’d heard to describe Manon, but as he’d gotten to know her, he knew she was none of those things. She might let the world believe otherwise, but Manon was kind, caring, clever, and downright hilarious.

«I’d expect nothing less. Thank you very much for the book and library stamp, by the way. You couldn’t have given me a better gift.» Dorian glanced over at said gift, smiling at how well she knew him.

«Maybe Aelin won’t steal all your books now, if she’s constantly reminded of who they actually belong to. And if it looked like your gift was wrapped by a child who loves tape too much, it was all Abraxos’ fault! He just took over, insisting he did it!»

Dorian laughed, picturing a very frustrated Manon trying to wrap a Christmas present. «Don’t bring Abraxos into this, he probably wraps his gifts beautifully!»

They kept going back and forth like this, Dorian’s facial muscles beginning to strain from all the smiling he was doing.

«What are you doing right now?» Dorian asked after Manon had given a detailed description of how she’d tried, and epically failed, to make gingerbread cookies last night.

«I’m chilling in my PJs, watching the greatest Christmas movie of all time.» 

«Let me guess…The Grinch?»

«Shut up, he’s my literal soulmate!» Manon claimed, sounding as if she tried not to laugh. 

«You probably love something annoying like Elf or Home Alone.» Dorian could hear the eye-roll.

«And what if I do?» he teased, even if those two were among his favorites.

Manon’s reply came quickly. «Then I’m afraid I can’t be seen in public with you anymore.»

Just as Dorian was about to make a retort, his mom knocked on the door, asking if he wanted to play Mario Kart with them. As much as he wanted to keep speaking with Manon, he had a title as reigning champion to defend, so they made their goodbyes, promising to talk again the following day.

Then Dorian went to join his family, ignoring how he’d felt the urge to end that phone call with three very significant words.

-

After ending the phone call with Dorian, Manon returned to her movie, snuggled up with Abraxos on her bed. 

She’d felt so light, mere moments ago, laughing and bickering, but as soon as she’d hung up, a heaviness had settled over her again.

To her, Christmas had never been the warm, joyful holiday everyone else believed it to be, but this year was particularly depressing.

All morning, she’d tried not to cry as she thought about how different it would be if Asterin was still here. They would have opened their few presents together, Asterin waking her up at some ungodly hour, then they would have watched movies in one of their beds, gorging themselves on candy, before they went ice skating, and returned to a not-horrible dinner with their grandmother.

It physically hurt, to be doing it all alone this year. 

Especially when Manon knew it was all her fault.

She was the one who’d pushed Asterin away, who’d answered with insult after insult when all Asterin had done was care about her.

Manon hoped she was okay, hoped she was happy with her new family.

Her grandmother was still making dinner later today, but Manon wasn’t sure she could sit there and pretend something vital wasn’t missing. It was becoming more and more clear how Asterin had been the one bringing some light to this house.

In addition, Manon was beginning to run out of plausible lies as to why she was spending more time out, and less time in her room studying. It was hard to keep someone hidden, when they had become such a huge part of her life.

At least she still had Dorian, Manon thought, touching a hand to her new necklace.

She’d been so relieved when he’d called her after he’d gone home that morning, telling her all about how his mother had finally stood up against his father, how she’d promised things would change. His voice had been full of disbelief back then, but his mother had kept her promises so far, and it showed, because Dorian seemed happier and happier by every day.

As he’d retold their conversation, though, Manon couldn’t help but draw parallels to her own situation, a heavy feeling settling deep within her.

She wished she had the strength to stand up for the ones she cared about like that. To do something, say something. Maybe then-

But you’ll never manage to do that, stupid girl! You’re nothing more than a pathetic coward, exactly like your mother-

That fucking voice… Manon would give anything for it to shut up. 

She turned up the volume of the movie in a feeble attempt to drown it out, but it only reminded her of how she didn’t have Asterin beside her, making funny comments the entire time.

Manon contemplated calling Dorian again, but he was spending time with his family, and she knew how much he valued that time, so she quickly let go of that thought, instead choosing to let herself mope some more.

«Christmas is overrated, anyway,» she said to a snoring Abraxos, who continued to ignore her.

Sighing, Manon mentally prepared herself to go and get more snacks, but then her phone started buzzing somewhere underneath all her blankets. 

Shen frantically searched for it, thinking it was Dorian calling, but her face fell as she saw that it was an unknown number.

Normally, Manon would have just ignored it, letting it go to voicemail, but this time, it was as if a voice urged her to pick up, just this once, pick up!

So she did, trying to remain calm as she said, «This is Manon speaking.»

The person on the other end drew a deep breath, before replying in a shaking voice, «Hey, Manon. This is your father.»

Chapter Text

Hold me down, I’m so tired now

Aim your arrow at the sky

Take me down, I’m too tired now

Leave me where I lie

-Florence + The Machine, Sky Full of Song

Manon’s heart was beating so hard and fast she was sure it would crack open her chest and escape at any moment. Closing the front door as quietly as she could, she prayed to whatever god might listen that her grandmother had gone to bed early.

«And where have you been?»

Fuck.

She didn’t know why she’d even hoped, since luck clearly hadn’t been on her side lately.

Willing herself to calm the fuck down, Manon stepped into the living room, a fake smile plastered on her face. «I was just dancing.»

The lie came automatically, one she’d used countless times by now. She needed to get through this interrogation quickly, so she could lock herself inside her room and let her growing panic rise up to the surface.

Because if her grandmother found out where she had actually been, who she had seen, the things she had learned…

Merely being in the same room as the woman made her feel physically ill, but Manon needed to keep it together, needed to pretend everything was normal until she could think properly through everything that had just been revealed. And tonight was not the time for that, not when it felt as if her head was about to explode.

«Dancing?» her grandmother asked with a look that told Manon she needed to be more convincing right now or she would face dire consequences. 

«Yeah. I needed to make sure this new choreography was perfect for practice tomorrow.» It was all bullshit, of course. Dance practice had been the last thing on her mind lately, and if it continued this way they would surely lose against Iskra and her team in a few months. Though that was the least of Manon’s problems.

«And the others are working just as hard?» 

Please, just keep it together a little longer, Manon begged herself, fighting the urge to scream.

«They are.» Because it didn’t matter if Manon did her very best. If the others on her team failed, that was also her responsibility. She could practically hear her grandmother saying something along the lines of «of course they fail when you lead them like that».

Her grandmother silently looked at her for several torturous seconds, and Manon was sure that this time her lies had gone too far, this time she hadn’t been convincing enough, this time she would get caught and her whole world would come crashing down.

Still, Manon forced herself to meet her grandmother’s cruel stare, hoping she couldn’t see how she was shaking slightly, her heart thundering in her chest.

«You have school tomorrow, don’t stay up too late,» her grandmother said at last, in a displeased tone. Then she turned on her heel and left the room, luckily quick enough to miss the way Manon’s whole body seemed to sigh in relief.

It took everything in Manon to remain calm as she walked down the hall, all the way to her room, because if she sprinted like she wanted to, if she slammed her door shut, if she let out the scream that had been building up for hours, her grandmother would know for sure.

Manon wasn’t fully convinced she was off the hook, but she was safe for now. At least it bought her a little time to figure out what the fuck to do. 

Finally inside her room, Manon closed the door and twisted the lock, before slowly sinking to the floor, gasping for breath. All because of that damn phone call a week ago…

-

«Hey, Manon. This is your father.»

It took a moment for the words to register, but when they did, Manon’s heart stopped. She would have thought it was just a prank, and not a very good one, had it not been for the emotion in that voice.

«…How?» The word came out so quietly she wasn’t sure he’d heard it, but his answer was fast.

«Your cousin, Asterin, contacted me a few weeks ago.»

Manon couldn’t believe what she was hearing. All her life, she’d been told her mother had gotten pregnant young, but died around the time she was born, while her father had wanted nothing to do with her from the very beginning. 

Someone surely had to be messing with her, but her gut feeling told her otherwise, and the fact that Asterin was behind it-

«I-,» she started, but didn’t know how to finish that sentence. What did you even say in a situation like this?

In the end, she went with: «I don’t even know your name.»

«Tristan Crochan.»

This was madness. Pure madness. 

The wise thing to do would be to just hang up, but Manon was frozen, stuck between wanting to pretend this had never happened, and wanting to hear what this  complete stranger had to say.

«Look,» he said, his voice cracking. «I know this must come as a big shock to you, and I’m so incredibly sorry for not being there, but I would love to explain everything whenever you’re ready for it.»

Manon almost scoffed, thinking that she could never be ready for that conversation, but then that same voice from earlier, the one that had urged her to just pick up the phone, urged her to say yes to this.

For her own sake, she needed to say yes to this.

-

In fact, she’d said yes to meet him, her father, at a café downtown only a week later. That was where she’d been, not at dance practice like she’d told her grandmother.

And now she was left feeling confused and shaken. Manon had no idea what to believe about anything anymore. Because the things Tristan had told her-

-

Manon looked around the café, trying to find the man that apparently was her father. It wasn’t too difficult, given that it was new year’s day, and the few other people there were all in groups. So she drew a deep breath, trying to calm herself, before she strode towards the man sitting all by himself in the back of the room.

She still couldn’t believe she was doing this. What if someone was messing with her? What if this was just a creepy stranger? Who even got a call from their basically non-existent father after eighteen years of nothing?

All doubt vanished, though, as she reached the table, the man standing up to greet her.

«Manon,» he whispered, his eyes lining with silver. 

Manon just stood there, unable to speak, unable to think. The man in front of her was slightly taller, seemingly in his mid-thirties, and he had short, light hair, though not as light as hers. What really caught her attention, though, were his eyes. Everything, from the shape to the color, was identical to her own. 

«Please, have a seat.» Tristan gestured awkwardly toward the other side of the table as he spoke, seeming just as nervous as she was.

They both sat down, but Manon still didn’t say anything. Even if she managed to think of something to say, she wasn’t sure if her voice would work right now. So she kept her gaze on the table, waiting for him to start.

«I’m sorry, I just-,» Tristen began, clearing his throat before he continued. «I thought you would look like her.»

Manon looked up at that, realizing he’d meant her mom.

«Sorry to disappoint,» she shrugged, deciding to wear her usual armor of cold and uncaring. She felt too vulnerable without.

But Tristan only let out a nervous chuckle, running a hand through his hair. «I’m not disappointed, just surprised. I didn’t think you’d look so much like….»

«You.»

«Yeah.»

«So you really are my father?» Manon hadn’t wanted to believe it, still fought against the truth, but she couldn’t ignore the apparent evidence.

Tristan swallowed once, face suddenly very serious. «I am. If you need a DNA-test to be sure-»

Interrupting him before he could finish, Manon said, «I don’t think that’s necessary. I believe you.»

Because this was all because of Asterin, Manon reminded herself, and her cousin wouldn’t have done it if she wasn’t completely certain. No matter how much she hated Manon right now.

«Okay,» he nodded, seeming slightly relieved.

Breaking the awkward silence, Manon asked about the one thing she needed to know. «Where have you been all this time?»

«That’s a very long and complicated story,» Tristan said, letting out a shaky breath.

Manon didn’t answer, simply gave him a look that said: « I have all the time in the world right now.»

«How much do you want to know?»

«Everything,» Manon breathed.

Tristan looked down, taking a few seconds to gather himself, before he started:

«I met your mom during my freshman year of college. We had a class together, and I was instantly drawn to her, because she was beautiful, yes, but also because she was the most kind, compassionate person I had ever met.»

Manon struggled to make this image match with the one she had of her mother from before, the image her grandmother had formed of a college drop-out who’d gotten knocked up by the wrong guy.

Weak and pathetic, just like your mother…

«It didn’t take long before we started dating and fell in love, and I’ll spare you the details, but two years later Lothian got pregnant. With you.

«We were only twenty at the time, but you were so wanted, Manon. So loved, even before you were born.»

He looked at her, eyes lined with silver, and the pain in his voice was like a knife to her heart. If she’d been so wanted, why had they both left her?

«A few weeks before you were supposed to be born, Lothian was driving home from her sister, and she got into an accident…»

Tristan closed his eyes as he whispered the next part. «She died that night.»

A tear escaped as he opened them again.

«I got a call from the hospital, but they’d called her mother too, and she’d gotten there first.»

Manon felt herself pale, dread pooling in her stomach. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know what happened next.

«Lothian had cut all contact with her years before, yet they still called her…»

He got this distant look, as if he’d gone over this exact detail over and over again, to figure out where it all went wrong.

«When I got to the hospital, she was waiting for me. She told me that Lothian died in that car accident, that there was nothing to be done. And then…»

Manon wasn’t sure she was breathing. It seemed like it physically pained him to talk about this, but she needed to know. If she’d been lied to her entire life…

«When I asked about the baby, she said you’d died as well. I wanted to see you, if only to say goodbye, but they wouldn’t let me, claiming some bullshit about there not being proof I was family. I tried, I tried so hard, but they refused, they threatened to call security, and in the end, I had no choice but to leave. I lost everything that night.» He was openly crying now.

Trying to hide how badly her hands were shaking, Manon breathed at last, «You thought I was dead?»

Tristan nodded once, wiping away his tears. «For eighteen years, I’ve thought you were dead. And I never got to see you, never got to attend a funeral, never got to say goodbye.» 

He glanced out the nearby window for a moment. «I reached a low point after that. I quit college and had to move back in with my parents for a while. I thought I’d never come back here.

«But then Asterin called me three weeks ago. She was just a baby the last time I saw her.» His voice was filled with hope now, and he looked back at her, smililing sadly as he said that last part.

«I was so shocked to hear you were alive. And that you thought I’d left…that I didn’t want anything to do with you…»

Manon blinked furiously to keep her own tears at bay. She believed him, because this, it sounded exactly like a thing her grandmother would do, either to punish her own daughter, or to get a second chance to raise this twisted image she had of an heir or something. Manon felt sick at the mere thought of it.

«I’m so sorry I wasn’t there, Manon. I should have done more.»

«I- I don’t know what to say right now,» Manon whispered, sounding out of breath. It was too much-

Tristan gave her a soft smile, and Manon flinched at how fatherly it felt.

«I understand how much of a shock this must be for you. I felt the exact same way, that’s why it took me a few weeks to call. I was so terrified…» He shook his head, letting the sentence remain unfinished.

Then Manon was hit with another shocking revelation.

«You also have a sister. Her name is Rhiannon. She’s four.»

She definitely wasn’t breathing now.

«I live about 45 minutes away, with Rhia and her mother, Hannah. It took me years after your mother-»

«You don’t have to justify it,» Manon interrupted, before he could make some sappy excuse about how he thought he’d never love someone again. She didn’t care. And this was all too much for her to process at once. «I don’t even know you.»

Tristan hid his disappointment well, saying, «I know. But I’d love to get to know you when you’re ready for it.»

She had a father. One who cared about her, who wanted to get to know her, and her grandmother had been lying to her for her entire life-

«My grandmother…» Manon began, not even realizing what she’d said until after she’d spoken.

«…are you safe with her?» He was hesitant to ask, and she couldn’t take the concern in those damn eyes that looked too much like her own.

No, she wasn’t fucking safe! Her grandmother was a psychopath , and Manon was an idiot to not realize it sooner, but she needed to process all of this on her own, needed some space to fucking think .

So she muttered a quick «yeah», unable to meet Tristan’s piercing gaze. 

None of them said anything after that, and the silence was killing her. Manon couldn’t do this anymore, she needed space, needed to breathe-

«I need some time,» she mumbled, before she abruptly stood up and bolted. She was half convinced her dad would come running after her, but thankfully he didn’t. So she simply left, a million thoughts rushing through her mind.

-

Sitting on her bedroom floor on the verge of a panic attack, Manon tried desperately to figure out a plan. 

Her grandmother would go on another «business trip» the next day, if that was even what she did whenever she left, so at least it gave Manon some time. 

Right now, though, all she could do was breathe.

What she really wanted to do was to call Asterin, to ask her why she’d searched for Manon’s father, why she’d contacted him. But in order for that conversation to happen, they first had to talk about the fact that Asterin had been right about their grandmother all along, and then Manon had to apologize, something she wasn’t ready for just yet.

She had to gather up the courage first.

And she had to deal with the whole fact that she had a father who’d believed she was dead for eighteen years all because of her grandmother. And she had a sister-

The mere thought made her dizzy. Stuff like this didn’t happen in real life, to real people-

Still, Manon knew it was true. She could feel it with her whole heart. 

It filled her with such rage and sorrow, to know her grandmother had robbed her of an entire childhood feeling loved and safe and happy. 

She thought of that little girl, who’d only wanted someone to hold her, to tell her they were proud of her, that they loved her. A tear escaped, then another, then another, until she was full-on sobbing.

Manon sobbed for the mother she’d lost.

For the father she’d been taken from.

For the childhood she never got to have.

For the monster her grandmother had made her into.

For the cousin she’d hurt so badly, whom she missed so badly.

And for the boy she loved, whom she was bound to hurt someday in the future.

Oh, how Manon wished Dorian was here right now, to hold her, to comfort her, to tell her everything would be alright.

She wanted to tell him everything, but she knew she couldn’t. It was all too complicated, too fucked up, and he didn’t deserve this mess, not when he’d been through so much of his own.

Manon would let herself pretend for a little longer though, would let herself keep this one good thing in her life, even if it couldn’t last.

Because soon, everything would come crashing down.

Chapter Text

You only get one night upon the shore

So dance like you’ve never danced before

And the dance floor is filling up with blood

But, oh, Lord, you’ve never been so in love

- Florence + The Machine, Mermaids

Dorian glanced at Manon for what was probably the hundredth time in the fifteen minutes they’d been sitting in the library, working on their homework together. 

She looked entirely consumed by her math problems, but Dorian knew her well enough by now to notice the tension in her jaw, how high her shoulders were. The whole day, really, she’d seemed…off.

He’d wanted to ask her about it earlier, but the whole day had been a whirlwind of catching up with friends he hadn’t seen for weeks, teachers bombarding them with fresh assignments, and just trying to stay awake after waking up so early again.

Now, though, things had calmed down at the end of the day, and Dorian finally asked, «Is everything alright?»

Manon didn’t even look up from her notebook, she just shrugged. «Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?»

To anyone else, she might have been convincing, but Dorian noted how hard she stared at the book in front of her, how her voice was a little too light.

«Are you sure? You just seem a little…tired today.»

She sighed, before finally looking up, meeting his eyes. Her own had dark circles underneath, giving further confirmation to Dorian’s worries. 

«I didn’t get enough sleep last night, and then I show up here and we get way more assignments than I had expected, and we’re not where we should be with the dance team, and-»

Manon halted, squeezing her eyes shut. «Sorry, you don’t wanna hear about all this.» 

The last words came out as a whisper, and she looked down at the table once more. Reaching over and taking her hand in his, Dorian said, «Don’t apologize, please. You can always talk to me.»

She didn’t answer, only stroked his hand once, twice. He could tell that there was something else on her mind, but Dorian knew when to stop pushing. They could talk about it later, when Manon was ready.

After a few moments, she gave him a teasing smile, glancing up at him. «As soon as I finish these math problems things will get ten times better. You don’t happen to be an expert on differential equations, do you?»

Dorian snorted. «I sit next to Aelin in that class, so I rarely have any idea what Mr. Kelley is talking about.»

«He’s the teacher who doesn’t give a shit, right?» Manon said with a chuckle, the she cringed. «I was lucky enough to get Mrs. Hughes for the second year in a row.»

«You have my deepest condolences,» Dorian said, putting a fist to his heart as he recalled countless horror stories from other students about the teacher. She loved giving huge assignments without warning and with way too little time to finish them, rarely gave anyone above a B- out of principle, and should have retired about twenty years ago.

Manon was laughing though, her eyes seeming a bit more alive. «I heard she actually got fired once, but they couldn’t get anyone else, so they had to rehire her.»

«This gives me a newfound admiration of Mr. Kelley, you know? He wants to be there as little as we do, and honestly, he’s so real for that.» «Is it true that he just let someone sleep through an entire lesson once?»

Grinning, Dorian said, «Not just once. He believes that if someone doesn’t want to learn, then that’s not his problem, and if they’re not disturbing him, he doesn’t give a shit.»

«Ugh, why did you get all the fun teachers?» Manon fake-whined, rolling her eyes.

Dorian batted his lashes as he joked, «I guess someone as talented and good-looking as me simply deserve it.»

«Can you make out with a mirror somewhere else, please? I’m trying to do math here.» Manon gagged for emphasis, and then they both lost it, dissolving into giggles, homework forgotten. 

These study dates were fun, but they also had a habit of distracting each other so much they rarely got any work done. Not that Dorian minded, though.

«Hey, do you have any plans this Saturday?» Dorian asked when the laughter had died down, suddenly remembering another question he’d been meaning to ask.

Manon closed her book, giving up on the homework for now. Raising a single eyebrow, she replied, «Nope. I’m actually home alone this weekend.»

«Well so is Aelin, and she’s throwing a party, obviously,» Dorian smirked, remembering Aelin’s excited rambling from earlier that day:

«Those idiots has asked my cousin Aedion to ‘keep an eye on me’, so he’s obviously getting us booze and not saying a word about the party as long as he gets to join!»

«Would you perhaps like to go with me?» He gave Manon his best pleading eyes as he asked, hoping and praying she would say yes. When she didn’t answer, he added, «I promise it’ll be fun, and we can leave whenever you want.»

Humming, as if deep in thought, Manon stood up, walking over to Dorian’s side of the table. He pushed his chair out to stand up as well, but before he got the chance, she gracefully sat down on his lap, hands resting on his shoulders.

«I suppose I could…» Manon replied. «Would your friends even want me there?» The question was careful.

Dorian brought his hands to her back, going up and down in lazy strokes. That she even worried about this brought a stinging sensation to his chest. «Of course they would. They know I care about you, and I think you’ll get along pretty well, once you get to know each other.»

He actually worried a little, for the chaos that would unfold when Manon and Aelin eventually became friends and ganged up on the rest of them. He was mostly excited, though, because no doubt Chaol would be the one suffering the most. 

«How much have you told them about us?» Manon chewed on her lip as she asked, playing with his hair.

«That we’re friends, but also…more.» They still hadn’t defined whatever was between them, even if Dorian knew exactly what he wanted. He had known for a while though, he just needed to find the right moment to ask…

Fuck it…

Holding Manon’s gaze, her eyes like golden flames, he took a deep breath. «I would love to introduce you as my girlfriend, though?»

He’d known from the second he’d wanted to ask that there was a big chance she’d say no, but part of him had still hoped, and that hope grew as she smiled slightly.

Then she crashed her lips to his in a hungry kiss. While her hands cupped his face, his own traveled down her back until he got a good hold of her magnificent ass. Manon let out a low moan as he squeezed, and the sound sent a jolt of pleasure straight to his dick.

Her tongue pushed against his mouth, and he opened for her, yearning for the taste of her. 

Dorian wanted more, needed more, but then they both seemed to remember that they actually were in the middle of the school library, and even if they were alone right now, anyone could walk by and see them.

They managed to force themselves apart, and Dorian was surprised he could even speak, since he was in the midst of the single fucking hottest moment of his life, and all that. «Is that a yes, then?»

Her forehead resting against his, Manon breathed, «Yes, I’ll go to the party with you…as your girlfriend.»

A grin spread on Dorian’s face, one that was mirrored on Manon’s, and she let out a bright laugh, the sound of it the most wonderful Dorian had ever heard.

«Can’t wait,» he murmured back, pressing a quick kiss to her lips.

«Me neither,» Manon replied, then she stood up, moving back to her own side.

Before Dorian could even register what was happening, she’d gathered up all her things, putting them in her bag. «What…why…» he stammered out.

Giving him a teasing look, Manon said, «We should probably leave before someone catches us and gives us detention. I also have to be home soon.» Her tone got more serious as she said that last part, and Dorian wished they could have stayed in this bubble forever.

He didn’t move, though, and when Manon was done packing, ready to leave, she asked, «Are you coming too?»

Dorian glanced down, then shifted, trying to hide the boner he was currently sporting. «I can not walk out in front of other people right now.» His face was burning as he said the words.

Manon looked confused for a few seconds, before she broke into a taunting smirk, throwing a pointed glance at his lap. «That sounds like your problem to deal with.»

Then she turned around and left, throwing a careless «Goodbye» over her shoulder. Dorian was sure she swung her hips as much as she did on purpose, knowing his eyes would stay locked on them (and her ass, let’s be real here) until she was out of sight, It certainly didn’t help his situation.

Oh, how he fucking needed it to be Saturday already.

-

When Manon had agreed to go to the party with Dorian, she had still been a little skeptical, but now, as she walked up to Aelin’s house, hand in hand with her boyfriend, she felt nothing but excitement.

Naturally, meeting and hanging out with his friends made her a little nervous, but she trusted Dorian, believed in him, when he said everything would be fine.

Already, it was filling up with people, the bass of some pop song pulsating out into the cold January night.

Dorian stopped right before the porch, turning towards Manon. «Ready?»

Letting out a foggy breath, Manon gave him a bright smile, reaching up on her toes to press a kiss to his mouth. «Lead the way,» she said, before Dorian brought his arm around her shoulders, tucking her in close.

Together, they entered the house, Dorian taking them right to a spacious kitchen, where Aelin, Chaol, and a few other people Manon recognized from school, were in the midst of an eager discussion.

Immediately, Aelin spotted them and leapt from where she was cozied up to Rowan Whitethorn. «You made it!» she exclaimed, throwing herself around Dorian. Manon didn’t really know what to do with herself, so she just stood there, giving Aelin an awkard hi once she was done embracing Dorian.

Manon had expected a short, somewhat friendly greeting in return, but Aelin had to be pretty drunk already, because to Manon’s great surprise, she threw her arms around her as well. Manon stiffened at first, unsure what to do, but then decided to just roll with it and return the hug. She threw a questioning look at Dorian, but he simply shrugged, giving her a warm smile.

«I’m so glad you wanted to come, too!» Aelin said as she took a step back. Then she turned towards Dorian again, pointing a finger at him. «It was about time you brought your girlfriend around!»

Dorian smirked in answer, and it quickly became clear that Aelin had said it as a taunt, having no idea that as of five days ago, they actually were official, because she went entirely still, then her eyes slowly widened, mouth gaping.

«You ass! You have a girlfriend now and you didn’t tell me?! When did this happen? Give. Me. All. The. Details.» Aelin punctuated those last words by whacking his arm, Dorian twisting away, walking further into the kitchen, to escape the interrogation.

Manon took in the spectacle with a grin, feeling giddy and light, both at being referred to as Dorian’s girlfriend and at the warm welcome. Looking around, she met the eyes of Chaol, Dorian’s other best friend, who gave her a wry smile, then gestured towards Aelin and Dorian. «Good to see you, just help yourself to anything in the fridge while these two wrestle.»

-

They stayed in the kitchen for a while longer, chatting, drinking and laughing together, music blasting through the house as even more people arrived. Aelin had shrugged when Chaol asked, a simple «Aedion» being her only explanation. 

Happy to mostly observe the friendly banter, Manon stuck to Dorian’s side, taking the occasional sip from her second beer. She found herself relaxing more and more, and not only because of the alcohol. 

It was so nice to not worry about anything for once, to just be. No expectations, no demands. Manon needed this after the week she’d had, full of important assignments, tests, and…everything else churning in her mind. She’d promised herself not to think about that tonight, and she would keep that promise.

Instead, she leaned further into Dorian, snorting as he told the story of how him and Aelin had made a bet on how long they could keep a carton of milk hidden in their middle school classroom, and how in the end, it had smelled so bad they needed to have class in the library for three days.

«The best part is, we never even got caught,» Aelin stated proudly, high-fiving Dorian.

«I think putting you two in detention would have caused more trouble than it was worth,» Manon found herself replying, earning a slightly maniacal grin from Aelin. 

Dorian laughed, his whole body shaking against hers. «It would have been absolute chaos.»

«And you two would probably have found some way to pull me into it,» Chaol sighed, which made them all howl.

Soon after, Rowan announced he was going to see if Lorcan had showed up yet.

Aelin grimaced. «Ew, tell him to fuck off, will you?»

He knocked back his drink, then pressed a kiss to Aelin’s lips. «Anything for you, babe.»

Both Dorian and Chaol pretended to gag at the sight, but Aelin just blew Rowan a kiss as he left, then turned her attention back to the rest of the group.

«Anyone wanna play beer pong?»

-

Dorian and Chaol more or less got their asses kicked. Dorian had first tried to team up with Manon, but Aelin had protested, claiming that both him and Chaol sucked, and therefore she wanted to be on Manon’s team. Manon had just smirked, flipping them off over her shoulder as she joined Aelin.

It was a terrifying sight, really, but it was also everything he had wanted for tonight, to see Manon getting along with his friends, having fun, even. And after their massive win, Aelin had dragged her towards the dance floor, claiming they had to celebrate, and that this song was amazing!

Manon had easily followed, laughing the entire time.

«You two seem really good together,» Chaol now said from next to him, nodding towards the two girls.

Dorian smiled, savoring the warm, fuzzy feeling in his body. «Yeah, she is just…»

Everything, he wanted to say, but one look at Chaol told him that his best friend knew exactly what Dorian meant. 

Chaol’s expression softened. «It’s nice to finally see you so happy. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.»

«Thanks, man,» Dorian whispered back, suddenly getting emotional. Because he was happy.

He was so indescribably happy. 

Looking over at Manon only heightened the feeling. She was dancing with Aelin, and he could see that she definitely knew what she was doing, her lithe body moving smoothly in time with the music, but it was also something carefree over her, something relaxed. 

She looked luminous where she moved in the middle of the room, head tipped back in laughter even while she still danced, her hair cascading down her back, glowing in the low light. She was surrounded by dozens of people, but Dorian only saw her.

Then Manon turned around, her eyes locking with his, giving him a bright smile. Dorian wished he had taken a photograph of her in that exact moment, cheeks tinged with pink, golden eyes shining with joy, but he knew if he had, he would have never stopped looking at it.

All Dorian wanted was to close the distance between them and crush his lips against hers, then find somewhere they could be alone. He needed to feel her, taste her. 

Manon must have seen the hunger in his eyes, because her smile fell, replaced by something just as wanting, something intense, all-consuming. She motioned towards the dimly lit, less-crowded hallway, and Dorian gave her a confirming nod. 

He watched as Manon said something to Aelin, then left the room. Dorian made himself count to ten, before he made up some excuse to Chaol as well, then followed her. 

As soon as he stepped away from the crowd, into the more private hallway, Manon was on him, pulling him against her. Their lips met in a hungry kiss, tongue’s clashing, eager to taste one another. Dorian’s hands immediately went to her hair, the long strands like the softest silk against his fingers.

While Dorian slowly backed them towards the wall, Manon’s hands roamed up and down his chest, exploring. She hit the wall with a soft thud, her body flush with his.

Dorian sucked on her lower lip, which made Manon let out a low moan, the sound going straight to Dorian’s hardening cock. 

Needing a moment to breathe, Dorian forced himself to pull away. He braced his arms on either side of her head, both of them panting.

«Is there somewhere we can…» Manon began, chewing on her lip.

 It took everything in Dorian to not lean down and capture that lip between his own teeth. Instead he nodded, leading her towards what he knew was the guest room.

-

Manon needed to be as close to Dorian as possible right now. She had never been so sure of anything in her life.

Holding her hands in his, he led them up the stairs, and into an empty bedroom, door closing behind them and reducing the noise of the party to a low, thrumming heartbeat.

Her own heart was hammering right now, but not from nerves, only from pure need.

So Manon reached up, claiming Dorian’s mouth while pushing him towards the bed in the center of the room with hurried steps.

He sat down, pulling her with him so that her knees rested on either side of him.

Manon could feel his erection pressing against her core, the sensation sending a wave of pleasure through her. She rolled her hips once, drawing a groan out of Dorian, who started trailing kisses down her neck.

His hands moved beneath her shirt, slowly lifting it, and Manon found herself panting, «Just so you know, I haven’t done this before.»

He abruptly stopped, Manon mentally cursing herself for opening her stupid mouth. He looked up at her, his hungry expression replaced by that caring gaze she knew so well.

«It’s okay, we don’t have to-»

«I didn’t say I didn’t want to,» Manon interrupted, because she definitely wanted to have sex with him right now. It had been the only thing on her mind as she’d locked eyes with him across the room when she’d been dancing earlier. He’d been smiling from his conversation with Chaol, his deep blue eyes twinkling, his hair perfectly messy. Manon had wanted to brush her fingers through it, see how much more messy she could make it. Had wanted to feel his skin against hers with nothing between them.

Now, though, she felt herself blush under his attentive gaze.

«It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,» Dorian murmured, brushing a featherlight finger over her burning cheek.

Manon knew it was nothing to be embarrassed about. There weren’t that many opportunities to lose your virginity when you spent all your time at home, doing schoolwork, and she was fine with that, but being so unsure of what to do, what to say, was an unusual feeling for her, when she was so used to being in control all the time.

As if reading her thoughts, Dorian said, «If you tell me when something feels good, or when it doesn’t, and I’ll do the same, we’ll be fine. I promise.» He pressed a light kiss to her lips. «And we can stop at any moment if you need to.» Another kiss.

She had never felt so vulnerable before, but that was the thing about Dorian; being vulnerable with him never felt scary or overwhelming, it felt safe, good, even. It made her feel free.

So Manon reached down, taking the hem of her shirt and pulling it over her head, before claiming Dorian’s mouth. His hands immediately went to her lace-covered breasts, fingers brushing over her hardening nipples.

Manon moaned in response, urging Dorian to take his own shirt off. The rest of their clothes soon followed, leaving them in only their underwear.

Then Dorian reached behind her to unclasp her bralette, freeing her small breasts. His mouth started trailing down her chest, and right before he reached one of her nipples, he looked up at her, asking, «Is this okay?»

«Uh-huh,» Manon nodded in answer, grinding against him as he finally brought his mouth to that nipple, sucking lightly on the rosy peak. Dorian was fully hard against her now, and Manon rolled her hips, needing more, more, more.

Dorian’s back hit the bed, pulling her with him, then he rolled them over so that he was on top. 

He cupped her breasts with his hands, leaving goosebumps in their wake as they then trailed down, down, stopping right before the line of her panties. Before he could even ask, Manon lifted her hips, urging him to take them off and just touch her already. She was burning from within.

Dorian obeyed with a smirk, then brought a single finger to her center, cursing when he found her to already be soaking wet. He stroked that finger up and down her slit, before he thrust it inside her. 

Manon moaned, rolling her hips in time with his strokes, her own hands palming him through his boxers.

That finger was soon joined by a second, and when Dorian started applying pressure to her clit, Manon quickly found herself cascading towards release.

«Dorian,» she moaned as she came undone on his fingers, her body going taut, then loose, Dorian’s fingers still stroking her through the entire thing. It was all too much and not nearly enough at the same time.

As she came down from her high, Dorian brought his hand up to his mouth, licking it clean. The sight had Manon ready to go again in seconds, and she reached into his boxers, pulling the length of him free.

She’d felt it earlier, that he was big, but her eyes still widened slightly at the sight of him, hard and ready. Dorian groaned as she stroked him once, twice. Meeting his sapphire blue eyes, she said, «I want you. Now.»

Dorian blinked, then leapt off her, discarding his boxers and picking up something from his jeans lying on the floor. Manon let out a low chuckle at his eagerness, but already, she craved the feel of his skin against hers again.

When he returned, Manon saw that the object he’d retrieved was a condom. He made quick work of putting it on, and when he was done, Manon reached up, grabbing his shoulders to pull him back down to her, their mouths meeting in a deep kiss.

She spread her legs to make room for him, and Dorian lined himself up with her core, but then he stopped.

«Are you sure?» Dorian asked one final time, his gaze so intense she couldn’t look away even if she’d wanted to.

«Yes,» Manon breathed, then he so slowly, so gently, pushed into her, all while stroking her clit.

Manon moaned at the sensation, at how he filled her, stretched her open. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it wasn’t a feeling she was used to.

«You feel so good, you’re so good, Manon» Dorian groaned, and his words made her center throb in pleasure. She had never felt so full. 

He gave her a moment to adjust, but Manon soon found herself needing more friction, so when she wriggled her hips, he pulled out slightly before pushing in again. «Tell me if it hurts, right?» 

Manon nodded in answer, unable to form words right now.

Dorian soon found a slow, steady rhythm, and Manon started rolling her hips to meet his thrusts.

After a few moments, he stilled, though, and when he didn’t move, Manon asked in a breathless voice, «Why did you stop?»

«Just trying to make it last longer,» Dorian panted, burying his head in her neck.

Stroking up and down his back, Manon suggested surprisingly confidently, «Can I be on top?»

«Fuck yes,» Dorian mumbled against her skin, before he slowly pulled out of her and sat up, tugging her with him.

Manon could have cried at feeling so empty after being so full mere seconds ago, but it didn’t take long before her mouth was on Dorian’s again, and she fisted his cock, positioning him against her core.

They both groaned at the sensation as she gradually sank down on him, this position allowing him to go even deeper, hitting that sweet spot inside her.

She started moving up and down in a slow rhythm, one of Dorian’s hands going back to her clit, the other to her hip, helping in guiding her.

The deep strokes paired with the pressure on her clit made that blissful wave rise again, and Manon let her forehead fall to Dorian’s, her eyes landing on where they were joined.

It was the hottest fucking thing she had ever seen, and stroke by stroke, the wave rose, nearing the edge. 

Dorian was shaking beneath her, trying to hold back his own release. «Fuck, Manon.»

«I’m close,» Manon managed to choke out. She sank down on him one final time, right as Dorian pressed his thumb down on her clit, sucking on a sensitive spot on her neck.

She cried out as she came a second time, her whole body tightening. In her pleasure-haze, she was aware of Dorian’s rhythm faltering, him moaning her name against her neck as he joined her in that glorious release.

They clung to each other, staying as close as possible, as the world went quiet. Dorian brought a hand to her face, brushing her hair out of the way, and Manon gave him a soft smile, her body feeling wondrously calm. 

«Are you okay?» Dorian whispered, always caring about her wellbeing.

Manon pressed a featherlight kiss to his lips before she whispered back, «More than okay.»

-

Later, Manon lay cradled in Dorian’s arms, listening to his steady breathing.

She felt almost giddy, even if her eyelids were heavy, moments away from falling asleep.

Tonight had been probably the best night of her life, cliché as it was.

And it had made Manon realize what she’d missed out on, all this time. Not just the partying, but having friends, joking about anything, laughing, feeling so light and free and like she could just be, and no one would fault her for it.

She deserved to feel this way, deserved to be happy. And she deserved to be happy with Dorian. Because how could she go back to her old life, where all that mattered was living up to her grandmother’s impossible expectations, when she had finally learned what it was like to actually live?

Her grandmother could go and fuck herself, Manon decided. She only had a few months left before she could leave that house for good. And until then, she could pretend, she could be good, stay in line, but she refused to give up on all the good things in her life, refused to give up on Dorian.

Chapter Text

I feel nervous in a way that can’t be named

I dreamt last night of a sign that read «The End of Love»

-Florence + The Machine, The End of Love

Dorian was normally against the concept of Sundays. Aside from being the most boring day of the week, Sundays always made him feel weirdly sad and anxious. Another weekend was coming to an end, and he hadn’t enjoyed it to the fullest, and then there was Monday, getting nearer and nearer, looming over him with all its responsibilities and assignments.

This Sunday, though, could last forever, and Dorian wouldn’t mind at all. 

He was cuddled up in bed, watching some trashy reality show. That in itself wasn’t unusual for him, but what made this Sunday so different was the fact that Manon was cuddled up with him, currently leaning against his chest and laughing from the show she «could watch for his sake but would need to bleach her eyes, ears and brain after being exposed to».

It was well past noon, but neither cared to get up just yet. They’d left the party at Aelin’s at an ungodly hour, after all, making it back to Dorian’s and sneaking in as quietly as possible to avoid waking his mother and brother.

«I wish this weekend could last forever,» Manon sighed after a while, twisting in his arms until they were face to face.

She looked breathtaking in that moment, Dorian thought, with her swollen lips and tousled hair, her golden eyes bright. Images from last night flashed through Dorian’s mind, and he felt himself harden at the memory of how her bare skin had felt against his.

Manon must have felt it too, judging by the way she now smirked and shifted a little, so that she was fully straddling him. Dorian let out a groan at the sudden friction, his cock going from half-hard to ready and aching in a matter of moments, and his hands moved to grip Manon’s hips, guiding her against him in a rhythm that had them both panting.

«We could just never leave my room? School can go fuck itself, for all I care» Dorian suggested with a shrug. Manon’s answering chuckle was quickly interrupted as Dorian brought his lips to hers in a hungry kiss, a gasp escaping her she tasted him. 

«Sounds like a great idea,» Manon managed to get out between kisses, still grinding against his hard cock. Dorian let a hand drift under the t-shirt she was wearing, his t-shirt, and moved it upwards, until he found one of her breasts. He brushed a finger against her peaked nipple, and Manon let out a low moan at the sensation.

Manon sat up, hands moving to lift the t-shirt over her head, and gods, the day Dorian died, he wanted this to be the last image he saw; Manon, sitting astride him, arms lifted and glorious tits on display, face flushed and moon-white hair falling down her back.

Sundays might not be so bad after all.

-

It was already dark outside, by the time Manon left Dorian’s, having spent all day cuddled up in bed, alternating between sleeping, mindlessly watching TV and exploring each other’s bodies. 

She’d even met Dorian’s mother, Georgina, which had been a surprisingly pleasant experience. They’d had to venture into the kitchen to get something to eat eventually, and Dorian had been sure they were home alone, from how quiet it was, but the moment they’d stepped out of his room, the front door had opened, his mother and brother back from wherever they’d been.

Dorian had assured her, earlier, that if they ran into his mom, she wouldn’t mind, but Manon still felt mortified as she stood there, hand-in-hand with Dorian, her cheeks bright red. She’d been wearing his shirt, for fuck’s sake! They might as well have had a blinking sign over their heads saying «We’ve spent all night having sex!»

Luckily, Dorian’s mother had been nice enough to not make any teasing comments (at least not while Manon was there, but she’d gotten a text from Dorian exactly one minute after she’d left, begging her to come back and save him). 

Instead, she’d pulled a blushing, mortified Manon into a warm hug, telling her how nice it was to finally meet this «friend» Dorian kept talking about. 

She’d been even more delighted when Dorian, just as blushing, had stammered out a «she’s my girlfriend, actually». The conversation had ended with Dorian’s mother insisting she come over for dinner some day, and Manon surprising herself by finding she actually wanted to.

All in all, it might have been the most embarrassing experience of her life, but it had also been kinda nice. It helped that Dorian was absolutely adorable when flustered.

As she walked home, Manon tried to think of the last time she’d had this lazy of a Sunday,  and quickly found that she couldn’t. It didn’t fill her with panic and restless energy, though, like it normally would have. A weekend like this was exactly what she’d needed, after a long, stressful week. Especially when next week would be just as bad, with her grandmother coming back and all. 

Merely thinking about it was enough to ruin Manon’s good mood. She’d be back to constantly walking on eggshells, constantly keeping her mask on, constantly lying to keep her grandmother pleased.

Only a few more months, Manon reminded herself. Then she’d be free.

Gods, if her grandmother had known what she’d been up to for the past day-

Manon smiled to herself as she thought back to last night, already looking forward to the next time she’d be home alone, but then she turned down her own street, her house becoming visible, and the smile quickly disappeared, along with any joy she felt, dread taking it’s place instead. 

The lights were on.

Could her grandmother have come home early? Manon’s heart raced at the possibility, especially when she had no idea of knowing how early.

As she got closer and closer, she tried to rationalize, tried to keep the panic at bay.

She could have forgotten to turn the lights off yesterday? But Manon knew that wasn’t the case. She never forgot.

Some small part of her hoped that Asterin had come back, and she pictured walking into the house, her cousin greeting her, asking her what she’d been up to, as if nothing had happened. They would make dinner together, like they’d used to, and when Asterin suggested they watch a movie together, Manon would finally say yes, forgetting her homework for once.

It was that delusional hope that drove her forward, kept the fear from consuming her, even if she deep down knew the truth already.

Because as she entered the house, as she stepped into the living room, it wasn’t Asterin greeting her.

Manon forced herself to look her grandmother in the eye, to seem as unbothered and unafraid as possible, as the elder woman demanded, «Where have you been? It’s late.»

«Just dancing, I forgot the time,» Manon hastily replied, the lie easily slipping off her tongue. It had become so rehearsed lately she didn’t even have to think, and she begged whatever higher power might listen that it would work this time as well.

But Manon realized, before her grandmother had even spoken, that it wouldn’t, from the way her grandmother’s eyes darkened. 

«You’ve been dancing since last night?»

Shit. 

This was the moment she’d been waiting for. Dreading.

Manon swallowed audibly, trying to come up with a good answer, something to get her out of this mess. «I-»

«Don’t even try lying to me, you ungrateful brat!»

Her heart was racing, and she was sure it would burst out of her chest at any moment, but all she could do was stand there and take the verbal beating that was sure to come. There was no way she could lie her way out of this, no plausible reason for why she’d been away all night.

«The moment I go out of town, you start acting like an irresponsible slut, is that it? You are nothing but a disappointment! I expected you to do better, be better, but then you go and whore yourself just like your mother and that pathetic cousin of yours, throwing away everything I have done for you!»

«I’m sorry,» Manon whispered, eyes locked on her feet as she wished for the ground to open and swallow her whole. The familiar feel of shame and panic filled her, like all the other times she’d stood before her grandmother like this. Frozen. Powerless. And this time, there was no way out of it.

Manon thought of the countless times she’d been in this exact position, apologizing for whatever wrongdoing had aggravated her grandmother this time, of how she time and time again pushed herself beyond her limits to please her, yet it was never enough, and suddenly found herself feeling angry, more than anything. 

The anger filled her veins, drowning out the fear and giving her courage. Enough courage for Manon to do something she’d never done before. 

Lifting her head and meeting her grandmother’s furious gaze, Manon spoke with a surprisingly calm voice, «If you’ve done such a good job at raising me, you should trust that I know what I’m doing. Having fun and being a teenager for one gods damned night doesn’t mean I’m throwing away my whole future.»

Her grandmother seethed, her expression shifting into something darker, something dangerous, but Manon must have lost her mind already, because she didn’t back down, didn’t cower, even as her grandmother yelled, «How dare you talk back to me?! You are nothing but a worthless piece of shit! I should-» 

But before she could continue her furious rant, she was interrupted by a loud yowling, Abraxos marching into the room at the worst possible moment.

And just like that, Manon’s heart stopped, her courage reduced to nothing as her grandmother’s hateful gaze slowly shifted from Manon to the cat. The woman tolerated his presence in the house at best, but for him to interrupt her like this, when she was already so angry…

Before Manon could react, her grandmother harshly grabbed Abraxos by the neck, yanking him up from the floor. The cat hissed and scrambled to get free, but her grandmother’s grip was too tight. Manon couldn’t breathe, this wasn’t happening-

«I never should have allowed this fucking creature into my house!» 

«STOP! Please, you’re hurting him!» Manon begged, her vision blurring from the tears gathering, threatening to spill over. 

Her grandmother’s eyes focused back on Manon as she screamed, Abraxos still being held in an iron grip, and the panic in his features shattered Manon’s heart into a million little pieces. She would never be able to forgive herself for this. 

«Please,» she tried once more, willing her voice to calm. «I’ll do better, I promise. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again! Please!» 

«Fine,» her grandmother spat out, and Manon let out a sigh of relief, hastily brushing away a stray tear that had managed to escape.

Manon had stupidly enough expected her grandmother to then gently put the cat back down, before continuing her rant, but that wasn’t what happened.

Instead Manon’s grandmother gave her a malicious smile, before she flung Abraxos at the nearest wall. Manon let out a cry as the cat hit the wall, then the floor, with a painfully loud thud. 

It was only a matter of seconds, but it felt like hours, where Manon’s heart stopped beating, where her lungs stopped breathing, where Abraxos lay on the floor, completely still.

Her mind had never been so quiet before, never been so loud. This wasn’t happening, she couldn’t lose-

Then the cat moved, scrambling out of the room. 

Manon trembled, completely paralyzed as she stared at the spot where Abraxos had just been. She registered her grandmother stalking closer, until she was right up in Manon’s face, registered the hissed «If you ever cross me again, I’ll make sure that pest doesn’t make it out alive», registered her grandmother then walking away, but Manon couldn’t bring herself to answer, to move.

All she could do was stare, and stare, and hope she woke up from this nightmare soon.

It wasn’t until she heard the door of her grandmother’s study slam shut that her body started moving, taking her to her room. Manon had no control over her movements, feeling as if she was viewing her body from the outside.

As soon as she’d crossed the threshold, she carefully closed the door behind her, then made her way towards the bed with robotic movements, slowly lying down on her side. 

He’s not dead, she repeated to herself, over and over again, as her breaths became more hurried, more shallow. He’s not dead, he’s okay, he’s notdeadhesokayhesokay-

Even in her panic, Manon could feel something warm settle against her, and it was this that finally broke her.

Between quiet sobs, she managed to whisper, «I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you. I didn’t mean to get you hurt. She’ll never hurt you again. I promise. I’m so sorry.» 

Tears blurred her vision, and she couldn’t fill her lungs properly, but she kept stroking the soft fur, kept apologizing, hoping he would understand. 

This had all been Manon’s fault. Abraxos had been home alone for 24 hours, and Manon had left him plenty of food, but of course he would want attention as soon as he heard someone in the house. She shouldn’t have stayed so long, shouldn’t have been there at all-

She was careless, stupid, worthless-

The tears kept falling and her body kept shaking. She tried to gather her thoughts, tried to come up with a plan, but her mind was utter chaos. Everything had gone so wrong in such little time. The only thing grounding her was the steady rise and fall of Abraxos’ chest, proof he was okay, proof he didn’t hate her for letting her grandmother-

She’d almost lost him today.

And had the rational part of her mind worked in that moment, she might have felt a little pathetic for being this attached to a pet, but Abraxos had been there since she was a child. In periods of her life, he’d been her only companion, her only comfort, while growing up under the roof of this monster. 

She’d almost lost him today.

Manon couldn’t let it happen again.

Even if it meant going back to spending every waking hour working to meet her grandmother’s expectations, going back to being careful, never stepping out of line.

She couldn’t risk anyone else getting caught up in this mess, getting hurt because of her. 

She only hoped he would understand, if not tomorrow, but some day, that this was for the best. Him hating her, was for the best.

Only for a few more months, she repeated to herself, like a mantra, through the hours of the night, until she finally fell asleep, Abraxos having settled on top of her chest.