Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

To my dearest love,

Why did you have to leave so soon?

I’m not sure I understand why someone could do this to you.

I

Anakin stops writing and lets out a breath
He didn’t know he’d been holding it
But as his chest falls so do his tears

A child screams behind him
Your son
Giddy screams, those of joy

He has no concept of heartbreak
No attachments
No deep feelings

He wishes only to be fed, changed, and rocked to sleep
Anakin wishes to be that age again
Back when you two had first been together

He had always imagined his entire life with you
But now, there was no you
It was him and your son
Struggling
Limping
Dragging through everyday life

Anakin had cut himself off from everyone
Only occasionally sending Obi-Wan the letters he wrote for you
He couldn’t keep them himself
Obi-Wan did not read them, he was sure

Anakin brought his hand to his child
Your child
Slowly allowing his thumb to brush his cheek
Anakin whispers out your name as he locks eyes with your’s
These belong to your son however, the same shining color

Anakin’s tears are still falling freely
Tiny fingers attached to tiny arms reach out

“Ben,” he sighs out as he lifts his son into his arms

Ben, named after his uncle, once again reaches out to his father
His fingers splay across Anakin’s cheeks
Collecting the tears escaping down his face

The corners of Anakin’s lips tug up at the sight of his son
Your son
A beautiful toothless smile mirrors Anakin’s own
Brightly shining eyes crinkled in the corners
A shrill, bubbly, gurgling laugh escapes Ben’s lips

There’s so much of you in Ben
It’s almost as if he were a carbon copy of you
Anakin’s tired eyes sparkle as he rediscovers you in his son’s face
Your son

Anakin brings Ben to the table with him
He finally works up the courage to continue

To my dearest love,

Why did you have to leave so soon?

I’m not sure I understand why someone could do this to you.

I see you so clearly in Ben that it makes me smile.

He is so beautiful and I only wish you were here to watch him as he grows.

Obi-Wan was by the other day with some new supplies from the store,

I still cannot bring myself to face him, everytime I see him I feel as though

I’m fighting against his arms as I did when I heard the news.

One of these days I will need to face him, Ben is growing quickly and will need

New clothes soon.

I cannot drive, I will need to ask Obi-Wan, but that can wait.

I miss you more than the sky misses the stars during the day.

More than the moon misses the sun between eclipses.

More than anyone could physically fathom.

Sometimes, when I sleep, I hold my breath, hoping and praying that maybe,

I could find you again, but then Ben begins to cry and I remember that

I have a piece of you here with me.

My wedding band almost fell down the drain today, but it’s ok,

I caught it just in time.

I can’t think of anything else to tell you today, it’s been a rather difficult

day so, my mind is not the sharpest. I love you.

Until I see you again,

Anakin

Chapter Text

To my dearest love,

Obi-Wan came by to collect some of my letters today.

He said hello to Ben while I gathered them.

Ben was very happy to say the least, I think he sees his mother in

Him.

I made eye contact today, I looked into his eyes as I handed him my

Letters and fuck, it made me realize how much we’re missing out on.

It’s rather early for this letter but I wanted to let you know that I

Finally did it, even if it sent me into a fit of hysterics which Obi-Wan

Could not console me through.

He smells as you did,

I’m spending the day on the couch with Ben today.

Hopefully he can get some sleep.

He’s been restless recently and I can’t figure out why.

He wakes in the middle of the night screaming and crying

Staring out the nursery window onto the patio.

Sometimes, it frightens me but we usually move to the

Living room couch and he calms down.

I miss you more than broadway misses it’s crowds after a show.

I miss you more than cupid misses psyche.

Until I see you again,

Anakin

Anakin sighs as he walks toward his son
He’s on his back on the floor of the living room
Staring up at some colorful plastic
Daintily hanging above him

His toothless smile still makes Anakin’s eye light up
His garbling and babbling bringing tears to them

Softly cradling his son’s head to his chest
Anakin places a soft kiss upon Ben’s forehead

“I’ve never needed you more than I need you now.”

A curt sob follows
A head softly hits a pillow
A son clutched against a heaving
Hiccupping
Wracking chest

Eyes closed
Mind racing
Breath evening

Sleep

Chapter Text

Asleep in Anakin’s arms
One draped around your stomach

Ben
That’s what you’d decided to call him
After his uncle
The man who had saved your life
Anakin

Bodies pressed together
Warmth flowing between forms
Love palpable to those who entered

Machines beeping
Searing pain
Loud screams

Silence
Darkness
Cold

Anakin melts before your eyes
You try to reach out to him
Try to save him
But you can’t

He’s too far gone
His only anchor is his son
Your son
Ben

He doesn’t let anyone in
You read his letters over and over again
The only way he expresses emotion

His writing
His tears
His love for Ben

It all makes you wish
If you could just go back
But that’s impossible

You’re dead

Anakin will be a wonderful father
He already is
You could never help him

You could’ve never been as good a parent

He misses you
You miss him as much as Psyche misses Cupid
As much as the stars miss the sky

You could never compete with him
So you don’t

You stay far away
Rotting in your grave
Reading his letters
Feeling his pain
Wishing for him and Ben

Dead

Chapter Text

He spun around the living room
The sound of feet hitting the floor was quiet
He swiftly moved, arms held in a pose
His arms were set around a slender waist

The coffee cup on the kitchen table was stained
A faded pair of pink lips kissed the rim
It had been sitting there for days
He dared not touch it

The Led Zeppelin shirt sitting on the couch reminded him
It was full of holes and looked thoroughly worn
Just like their entire relationship
He dared not touch it

He let his eyes drift shut
His feet carried him through the house
His chest began to tighten

He stopped

The room he had found himself in was nothing special
A bedroom
Everyone has one

He looked around the room
He thought back to when you met
People told you that you didn’t know what love was

You’re too young to be in love
You’re young and dumb you don’t know what you’re doing

Phrases like these filled his head
His head began to spin
She didn’t love him
She didn’t care about him
They were all right

A stray tear slid down his cheek
He began to sob
Uncontrollable
Hiccuping
Ugly
Loud
Heartbreaking

He stood again
His heart racing and his head dizzy
He began again
He spun around the living room
The sound of feet hitting the floor was quiet
He swiftly moved, arms held in a pose
His arms were set around a nonexistent waist

It should’ve been you
But it was just his imagination

Ben screams behind Anakin
Shoulders drop
Soothing words are whispered
Dreams make their way into a baby's mind
Shadows haunt the man who once had his world

The shell of a man

Chapter Text

Skylar,
I know you had to leave this morning. Work stuff.

He took a shaky breath in as if inhaling the air would make this more bearable to write
As if taking a deep breath would solve every problem he had at this second
He wanted to make this perfect

I just need you to understand something

He let out a frustrated noise and crumpled up his work
He pulled another sheet out and began again

Skylar,
You said you had to work this morning. I know you didn’t. I know you’re with

“No.” He whispered to the walls
“NO!”
He screamed that time, threw everything to the floor, and began to cry

Skylar,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not enough for you. I’m sorry I don’t truly mean anything to you. I’m sorry I take away from the time you could be spending with him. I’m sorry. I’m honest to God sorry that all I do is waste your time. I’m sorry that I want a real relationship between us. I’m sorry that I’m clingy and I’m sorry that you don’t love me the way I love you.

He let out the breath he had been holding deep in his chest
This would be the end
If he finished this note, that would be the end of everything

He put his head in his hands
Why was he still crying
It felt right
The tears falling from his eyes landed on the letter below him, spreading the ink across the page like roots
The same roots that were covered in dirt and mud that were wrapping around his body
Filling his pores and covering his skin with an overwhelming feeling of sadness
He felt dirty, like he needed to scrub his body, like he had become a monster

He slowly readjusted his posture and tried to focus on the task in front of him
His tears obstructed his vision for a couple seconds until he blinked them away
The paper was still blurry
It was ruined
Good

He was in too deep.
His breathing would hitch because he was choking on her words
His heart would pound when she left, hoping that one day she would turn around and notice him
His head filled with pressure when she came home from “work” with a disheveled appearance
His throat burned from screaming into his pillow when he heard the car pull out of the driveway at 5 a.m
He was drowning and there was no one around for miles to save him

He tore the paper in half and threw it away
He retreated to the bedroom and took up position in bed
Their bed

The sound of a door unlocking echoed through the empty entryway
He didn’t hear it; he was asleep already
As Skylar placed her bag down on the kitchen table she noticed the discarded remains of his frivolous attempt to confront her

She walked into the bedroom and began packing
His things

When he awoke the next morning
You were the first person he called

And in an instant
You were there
To hold him in your arms
And tell him how much
You loved him

Chapter Text

Anakin and Ben
A pair that no one guessed would be inseparable
A son unable to thrive without his father
A father unable to survive without his son

Had it not been for Ben
Anakin would’ve been dead by now
Constantly looking for a way to see you again
Constantly seeking out your warmth

He tried to pretend he wasn’t as broken as he was
But everyone could see through him

However, Ben saw you quite often

Like all those times you would stand
Just outside the window to his nursery
Admiring how well Anakin took care of him

You always disappeared when Ben began to cry
Anakin couldn’t know
He would be devastated that you’d lied
For so many months

You ruined him
But you also built him

He was a new
Stronger
More beautiful version of himself
Because you died

Or at least
Obi-Wan said you had
And you had gone along with it

To my dearest love,

I can’t stand to be without you.

I can’t take it.

I’ll be with you soon.

I miss you more than the clouds miss the rain.

More than a child misses their mother.

I love you.

Until I see you again,

Anakin

Chapter Text

Anakin sits with ben as he lets out a soft sigh
He smiles lightly at ben
Ben garbles back and chews on his cheerios

Anakin's hand shakes
His hand gripping a pen
Almost too tightly
He begins to hastily scribble down his thoughts

on the bathroom tile, my feet cool
the world around me spinning
quickly, mixed emotions flood
to my senses

I am frozen in a
statuesque state, fixed
in a pose created by someone
else, the world begins to slow
as my mind reels

staring into my own eyes, I
see every flaw melt into
my landscape, you don’t criticize
a mountain for being too tall
nor a valley too deep
I whisper to my shaping reflection

as my image shapes
into something i long for
it to truly be
i reel back

tears slip down my face
as i realize that i already
am who i need to be

what i want to be
doesn't facilitate
what i need to be

though i'm alone
and afraid, i have
the instincts to
be an amazing father

the reflection
in the mirror
is the perfect
image

an image of me, I could
be the man who loves himself
the ideal substance

Anakin is broken from his thoughts
A sharp knock on his front door
He stands to answer it

Opening the door to reveal Obi-Wan
A package rests under his arm
A warm smile pulls across his lips

"Mind if I come in? I have something to give you."
Anakin nods cautiously
He moves to the side to let Obi-Wan through
He follows him to the table
Ben lights up at the sight of his uncle

The air around Obi-Wan is not filled with the same light mood
He drops the package in front of Anakin
Anakin read the outside then reaches in

It's filled with letters
And they're all addressed to him

They're all from you

Chapter Text

Anakin lifts the first letter
Perfectly centered on the front is a number 1
Your handwriting, exactly as he remembers it

He opens it slowly
As if it would fall apart between his fingers
His newest memory
Disintegrating between his fingers
Sand slipping by like an hourglass

Your words are too strong
They feel like a bullet to his chest
You had responded to each of his letters

Obi-Wan had given you his letters
You were still alive
Ben’s mother was still alive
You were still alive

He couldn’t wrap his mind around it
You had been gone for so long
But know you aren’t gone

He knows you’re still out there
But, do you want him
Do you need him anymore

He’s needed you now more than ever before
The weight of the letters
The presence of Obi-Wan next to him
The thought that you’re still out there
And obviously not far

Then the anger settles in
Why did you leave
Why did you leave the two best things that ever happened to you
Alone
Without you
Vulnerable and scared
Tired and overwhelmed

Anakin let the tears fall from his eyes
His mouth twisting in pain
He let out a short shout
Slammed the letter to the table
Stood and opened the door

“Get out Obi-Wan.”

The other man nodded
Making haste and leaving quickly

Anakin moved to close the door
Ben screamed

Anakin picked up his son
Mirror images of each others emotions
Ben knew Anakin was upset
Anakin knew he needed to calm down

He lay on the couch
His son swaddled to his chest

“I’ll never leave you Ben. My allegiance is to you, to your life.”

Tiny snores left the body on his chest
Soon Anakin relaxed as well
Allowing himself to slip from consciousness

You peeked through the window of the living room
Your heart shattering
Dried tears rest on Anakin’s cheeks

Your fault

You slip the letter beneath the door
Your fingers feel as though they carry the weight of 100 men
That letter is the most important one
You’re finally going to face your past

Chapter Text

Dear Anakin,

I'm so incredibly sorry.

I don't know why I've done this to you.

I don't think I could ever explain myself well enough on paper.

Meet me in the spot we both know tomorrow at 7 pm.

Bring Ben please, I've missed holding him dearly.

I love you more than I could consider keeping this secret,

You didn't sign your name
You had no reason
He knew it was you

He knew you were alive
You weren't gone
Like he had assumed you were

Your heart broke
Thinking about how you left them

Defenseless
Sad
Scared
Confused

You flipped their world
Ben, not even old enough to understand
Anakin, having already been through Shmi

His own mother
And then you
You hated yourself for it

It had to be done
This had to happen
It had to be this way

You lied to yourself
Seeing Ben every night
It had to be this way

You lied to yourself
Every time you watched Anakin break
This had to happen

You lied to yourself
When Obi-Wan would told you of how Anakin pushed him away
It had to be done

It didn't have to happen
But you had wanted it to
At the time

That time had passed
You have to face it

The faces presented to you
Were ghosts of the past
The past you had chosen

Phantoms of your memories

Your husband
And your son

Chapter Text

There you were
Clear as day
One full

ALIVE

Human being
Stood before him
In that old doorway

He watched you leave
But never thought you'd be able to return

But here you are
Ben is secured to his chest
Held tightly as if you would hurt him

He knew you wouldn't
But he was scared that
Maybe even just a glimpse
Would shatter his wonderfully perfect son

Your eyes were downcast
Staring at the socks that were planted before you
An extension of Anakin
Something you never thought you'd see again

His eyes burned into your skull
You could feel the heat
The weight behind his gaze

You didn't expect joy from Anakin
But you didn't quite expect this either
You felt like a child
One that was being yelled at by a teacher

You couldn't look up
Even when his broken voice asked you to
He grabbed your face
Angling you to look him in the eyes

His eyes were filled with tears
His brow set low and angry
His lips pulled into a deep frown

He looked like he could go on for years
Chewing you out
Yelling at you until the house crumbled around you

But that fight never came
Those screams of fear
Of frustration
They stayed below the surface
Only one word floating to the top
Buoyant on the tension between you

Why

You had no answer
No way to explain
So you just looked him in the eyes
Let your tears fall
And shook your head

He let out a quiet sigh
Moved from the door
Sat down with his back to you

Close the door and sit down
Was all he said

Chapter Text

The couch was worn
Looking exactly the same as
When you left

That was supposed to be for good

First and last tie
You would ever leave
The two biggest loves

Behind
Forgotten
Gone
Dead

That's what you were
What you were meant to be
To Anakin and Ben at least

Of course you broke
Your weak resolve
Your maternal love

Your love for Anakin

Oh, your dear
Sad
Broken
Lonely Anakin

Why had you made this choice
What compelled this

These were the basis of his questions
But you still couldn't answer him
Your eye brimming with tears
As the words tried to bubble over

Those words had been stuck forever
Ever since you left

They were trapped beneath a rock
The rock that sat in the pit of your stomach
The same rock that forced its way into your throat
Stopped you from telling him
Blocked off your airways until your eyes began to water

You cough
A harsh, sharp cough
One that has Anakin bracing a hand against your back

That one tiny movement
That bit of encouragement
That tell that showed he still cared
That he was mad but relieved
That he hadn't stopped loving you while you were gone

The rock in your throat shattered
Sharp pieces making their way into your esophagus
Tears erupted and spilled over onto your cheeks
But

The rock was gone
Not forgotten
Scarring you and breaking you down once more
However, leaving behind a space
No matter how tiny and ragged
Rough and sharp and painful to work through

A space that allowed you to tell him
The reason why you had been dead to him
To the world
To Ben

I'm sorry
You started
I was scared and stupid and
You choked

Anakin still had his hand resting firmly on your back

I'm sorry
Was all you could manage to get out this time

You hung your head
Tears dripping to your chest
Shaking your head back and forth

The space wasn't wide enough
Wasn't smooth enough
Too difficult to effectively navigate

Not yet

Chapter Text

A deep breath
Shaking shoulders
A soft snore

Ben had fallen asleep
Right in Anakin’s lap
Right next to you

Next to you
Ben was next to you
Anakin was next to you

Wet cheeks
Chapped lips
Stolen breath

Anakin placed his hand on your chin
Daring you to look into his eyes
Watching him as he took in your face

Your nose
Your eyelashes
Your eyebrows

Things he could never forget
Things that haunted his memories
Haunted his dreams

Your cheeks
Your chin

Your lips

Longing
Hurt
Love

Anakin sucked in a breath
His eyes closing
Lips parting

His hand moved to cradle your cheek
His thumb brushing against it

He opened his eyes
Looked at your lips
And he leaned in

His lips set upon yours
Eyebrows pulled tight
An expression of pain
Loss
Suffering

Then they softened
Love
Warmth
Home

You pulled away
Scared he wasn’t thinking
But as you looked at him you saw nothing but love
Warmth
Home

Leaning in
Closed eyes
Chapped lips

Love
Warmth
Home

Anakin

Chapter Text

Anakin's legs
Crossed
Folded
Under himself

Ben's tummy
Pressed to the grass
In front of Anakin

Soft coos
Sneezes
Little cries

This is exactly
What you were missing
What you walked away from
What you meant to leave
Behind completely

Never to consider again
But now
It's different
So different

The grass is soft
The air is fresh
The sun is warm
The scene before you

Glowing
Radiating
Blinding

As the sun shines down
Onto your face
You're kissed by the honey colored
beams of life

The slivers of warmth
That have made you
Who you are

That have defined you
To everyone else

That have shown you
What you are alive for

That have created
New life
New thoughts
New emotions
New experiences

That have recreated
Old happiness
Old warmth
Old love

It feels so new
Even though you've done it
Several times before

You feel reborn
Rediscovered
New

A new you
That stays
That loves
That feels

That's here
With Anakin
With Ben

With your family
With your old new life

Chapter Text

when nothing seems to fit
there’s always a new route to take
whether that route
includes you
or completely forgets your existence

it’s still there
there for him
to walk
or to run
or to just look at
it’s there

whether he takes your hand
and leads you to a new
undiscovered
beautiful future
or whether
he ventures through it alone

he knows he doesn't
need you to be there
by his side for the journey

the reminder of you
the thought
the memory
the smell
all of it
so distinctly you
is enough
to allow him
to finally
just let go and

breathe

the idea
of moving without you
is so strange
yet it’s the only one
he could fathom
at that moment

the only idea
that allowed him
to stay whole

the only idea
that allowed him
to walk through life
and not care
about what others
may think

without you is
the only choice
he still had
for the choosing

the only thing
he has left
that makes him feel
like he truly
has a choice
a path
a voice
in this never ending
sea of pain
this never ending
field of unrealized
unbecoming
empty dreams
thoughts
feelings

the empty void
you’ve left him with
is not enough
to allow him
to feel differently
he still loves you
he always will
he always has

nothing
will ever
change that
about him

nothing will ever
truly take away
the pain you have left
inside of him

the long
wasteful days
and the nights
oh, the nights
when he felt
freer than he's ever
been allowed to feel
in his life

you did this to him
and now
he's the one
who has to
live with it
forever.

Chapter Text

a journal
sitting on a nightstand

several pages
dogeared
bent

imperfect
just as you
just as Anakin
just as Ben will be

one page
barely out of line
slightly askew

torn
crumpled
shoved back in

pulling it out
you lift it to the light

the room feels colder
the air denser

it becomes harder to breathe
easier to read

in the time
I’ve spent
thinking about
who I want to be
the only thought
that arises is
normal

I can’t even comprehend
what that is
supposed to mean
there are so many
definitions of that word
normal
how can one
be normal
in a world
of difference
in a world of
creativity

normal
that’s all I want
even though
I can’t define it

normal
normal
normal

the page falls
floats to the ground

a stone in your stomach
a lump in your throat
an aching in your heart

you hurt him
to an immeasurable capacity

you shouldn't have done
what you did

"Anakin"

you turn to him
sitting on the bed across from you
slowly rocking Ben

his eyes lift to you
a sad smile gracing his lips

"I'm sorry"

he nods
biting his lip
flaring his nostrils
looking back to Ben

"Don't worry about it"

Chapter Text

breathe in
breathe out
hold and wait
repeat

eat the food
drink the water
do the dishes
don't forget to smile

go to bed
be the perfect wife
have a perfect life

breathe in
breathe out
hold and wait
repeat

i love him
i love what we have
i love who we are

i hate who i am
i hate what i've become
i hate this world i've put myself in

breathe in
ears ring
breathe out
heart pounds
hold and wait
there's nothing to be afraid of
repeat

a kiss
a shared bottle of wine
a good night in bed

breathe in
breathe out
hold and wait
repeat

scream
for everything you could've had
scream
for everything you do have

cry
for what you've lost
cry
for what remains

repeat

a new life
a new responsibility
a new weight on your shoulders
a new reason to feel not good enough

a letter

breathe in
breathe out
hold and wait

leave for good
don't return
mourn your life
repeat