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Arms wrapped around each other, foreheads pressed together, the music playing softly in the background while we sway as one. And it’s everything I ever wanted, everything I ever dreamed of. Her breath is warm against me, as warm as her hands holding me. It’s perfect, everything about it is exactly what I wanted, except I don’t feel anything.
Each night I would lay in bed and wish to be back here, wish I could have a normal life with Peggy. And now here she is, now here I am, now we are finally having the dance I promised her all those years ago and… it’s just a dance. It’s just two people dancing, nothing more or less. This is everything I wanted except… somehow it’s not. I wanted to come back and be with the woman I’ve been in love with all these years, but what if I’m not actually in love with her? Maybe I was then, I can’t know anymore, but this isn’t what I wanted. What if I was just in love with the idea of her? What if I was just in love with the idea of a simple, cozy life and she was just something to center those dreams around?
That’s not love.
I pulled back from her, though Peggy was still holding onto me, “what’s wrong?” She furrowed her brows at me, still trying to sway a bit with the music even though I stopped. It’s not right to string her along when I don’t feel towards her like she does to me. But then what am I supposed to do if my happy ending isn’t with Peggy? All I’ve ever dreamed about was to have my dance with her and be happy with her and have Bucky by my side-
Oh my god how could I leave Bucky behind?
I tried to give her a smile, more out of sympathy than anything, “this dance was swell, Peg, but I can’t stay,” when her eyes widened in surprise, I tried to explain best I could, though that’s hard when I’m still trying to figure that out for myself, “I don’t belong here anymore, and as much as I always dreamed for a normal life here, it’s not for me. I have people I need to go back to.” I wouldn’t just be leaving Bucky, I would be leaving Sam too, I would be betraying both of them. I fought so hard to stay with Bucky, I even became a rogue convict for him. I can’t just leave him for a woman that, in the end, I don’t really know.
That is when she finally let me go, “I’m sorry, Peggy,” I told her again before turning and walking out of the house. No point lingering it and causing her more pain. Would it have even been right for me to stay? Staying would mean she would never marry the man she’s supposed to and have the kids that she will love so dearly. I can’t take that from her. And oh my god if Sam or Bucky found out I stayed behind for Peggy after I made out with her future niece, I would never hear the end of it.
She did not stop me, she did not chase after me, I’m not sure what I had expected but not nothing. I mean, it’s different walking away from someone than crashing your own plane through the ice and presumably dying. I could stay here, and no one could stop me. I could stay and be with Peggy and have a calm life. I could have a life like Tony told me to.
But maybe that’s just not for me.
Going back doesn’t mean I can’t retire, Tony got a five year break before he was roped into another universe level threat. Maybe I could get a few good years before the next inevitable threat too. Or maybe I could even retire permanently, if I’m not Captain America then maybe they won’t need me anymore.
But who can be Captain America? It has to be a good person, someone that won’t be corrupted if they have the title to live up to. If it wasn’t for Hydra, Bucky would be my first choice. But after everything he’s been through, he deserves a retirement more than any of us. My only other best friend is Sam and he… he could work. I’m sure he would want to be, he’s a good fighter, a team player, and most importantly a good man.
Finally, I decided once and for all to go back to modern times, back to my life, back to Sam and to Bucky. Playing with the watch, I activated the Pym particles. In an instant, I was back on the platform outside, as if I had never left at all. As if nothing happened at all.
Immediately, Bruce began to cheer, announcing my arrival as if Bucky and Sam did not see me poof back in front of them. Sam was the first one to approach me, running up on the platform and embracing me immediately, so tight like he thought I had died, “that was only a few minutes for you,” I chuckled while I hugged him back.
He pulled back, “I know, but you never know what could go wrong,” or if too many things can go a bit too right for me to not want to leave. “I’m glad you’re back, man. The way you were talking before you left, you sounded like you weren’t coming back.”
I nodded, well I’m way too obvious for my own good , “I thought about it, but I don’t belong there. And maybe I don’t belong here either, but I have people here I couldn’t leave behind,” I told him honestly. Sam has been here for me like no one else, I can’t repay that loyalty by abandoning him. And after how many times I’ve lost Bucky and had to fight tooth and nail to get him back I couldn’t just throw him aside for the next shiny toy. How could I be called a good man if I did that?
Sam nodded, seeming to understand, “well I’m glad you’re back.” I matched his grin before looking at Bucky. He had a smile on his face so big it would have made the one he gave me when we saw each other for the first time after Shuri helped him seem like nothing.
Stepping down the platform, I pulled him into a tight hug, he dug his head into my shoulder, whispering low enough Sam could not hear, “I thought you would stay back there.”
“Well I did promise I’d be with you till the end of the line.”