Chapter Text
HJ @hyunfortunately 2d
it is my birthday so i am instituting a 24-hour ban on onions. it is now illegal to own an onion. i’m sorry
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HJ @hyunfortunately 2d
i’m turning seventeen only so i can be eligible for status as the dancing queen there is no other reason !!
Seungmin doesn’t know HJ.
He doesn’t know HJ’s real name, or what he looks like. HJ doesn’t know Seungmin, either. HJ doesn’t even know Seungmin exists.
It’s strange how there can be all that un-knowing, but Seungmin still hopes HJ has a happy birthday.
---
Seungmin uses two social media sites: Instagram and Twitter.
Instagram is where he follows everybody he knows IRL and occasionally posts the pictures he takes when he thinks they’re good enough. He got Instagram because of Jeongin, who harassed him (okay, not harassed, but whatever) into following him. Seungmin has his face and his school on there. He is knowable.
Seungmin Kim. Orchard High ‘19.
And then there’s Twitter. Seungmin didn’t plan on getting one, but Jae from Day6 operates solely on it, and even though Jae isn’t his bias, it’s basic myday duty to follow him. So Seungmin secured the handle @myday325, and clicked follow, and that was supposed to be that.
Except then he followed a couple of other artists, and some fan accounts, and his timeline got more and more bottomless until there became another Seungmin, this time an unknowable one. He doesn’t mind his account much. Some people maintain their pages religiously, but Seungmin’s occasional tweets and retweets are random and on-the-spot. He has ten followers (three of which are porn bots), and zero internet presence.
But still, he’s on there. And the thing about Twitter is that logging in is like visiting a different planet, a digital space with its own customs and rules. Staying on there and reading tweets is like slowly sipping from some kind of multicolored party drink, without being certain what exactly is in there and what effect it can have. It took a while for Seungmin to catch himself and figure out how to stop himself from scrolling for hours on end. He’s a disciplined person but even he struggles, the scroll draining yet addictive.
He’s struck a balance as best he can, so he can consume content without it consuming him.
Anyway, HJ. He isn’t a myday. But a fan account had retweeted a tweet, which was funny enough for Seungmin to check out the rest of his profile. Seungmin remembers scrolling until two in the morning (a brief lapse of judgment, okay) before finally clicking follow.
Seungmin knows nothing about HJ, but he knows this—he’s funny and doesn’t take himself too seriously. Most of his tweets are random thoughts and glimpses of daily life, and he tends to be figurative and dramatic, which might explain why he tends to get retweeted. He likes dogs and quotes @dog_rates and @dog_feelings a lot. He lives in the Bay Area and watches dramas and thinks frequently about bubble tea.
Seungmin doesn’t know anything about HJ, but it’s funny, the way he also does. He looks at his phone and sees that it’s two in the fucking morning again. Damn, he should go to bed.
---
The day before spring break is dead.
First period physics. Seungmin rests his chin on his hands, eyes drooping. The kid in front of him is eating breakfast, cereal from the vending machine mixed with a carton of white milk. The teacher looks half-done, tie drooping against his suit. There’s zero energy in the classroom for either teaching or learning.
The classroom is only half full when the bell rings, Lia walking in a minute late. She takes a tardy slip off Mr. Sun’s desk before he can ask her if she has a pass and sticks it into her backpack. Seungmin waves, and she slides into the seat next to him.
“Hey,” she says. “Did we get any homework last night?”
“We haven’t learned anything all week, so I don’t think so,” Seungmin responds. Mr. Sun tells them they have a free study period, and Seungmin and Lia go and sit at their unofficially-officially designated lab table.
“It’s like a cemetery in here,” she comments.
“Yeah. If half the corpses up and left.”
Lia nods, taking her thermos out of her backpack, filled with some kind of milk tea. She never drinks water, and it should be bad for her, but she’s ridiculously pretty so it must work. “I wanted to ditch today but my mom said no.”
“You know me, I don’t have the guts to ditch,” Seungmin says. He has a perfect attendance record and he hates it— even on days where he has fevers, he shuffles to school and apologizes internally to those who have to concentrate while he sniffles. “You excited for spring break?”
“Honestly? I can’t even bring myself to feel anything about anything anymore, I’m so tired.” Seungmin relates. He’s burnt out, his schedule fraying at the seams. “I’m gonna sleep for the entire weekend and then a couple of friends and I are heading up to Wisconsin and Michigan to visit universities.”
“Nice.”
Neither of the states is a long drive from where they live, up at the very top of Illinois. Seungmin’s been to Wisconsin and Michigan once or twice each. “What about you? Are you doing anything?” she asks.
“Nothing.” It’s the truth. Seungmin has no idea what he’ll do for the next week. “Maybe my brother could drive me somewhere, but his spring break is ending just as ours starts. He’s going back to campus tomorrow.”
“Do you like your brother?”
Seungmin nods. He knows it’s strange, but yeah, he really does. Chan is nice and has never bossed him around.
Lia looks surprised, which is the usual reaction. “I wish I could say the same about my little brother, we want to kill each other half the time.” She swirls her tea. “I’m thinking of ditching after this period. The doorways in the swim hallway are always clear.”
“You probably won’t miss much if you do.”
“Exactly.” She takes out her pencil case to doodle Sharpie drawings on her notebook. “Honestly, I probably wouldn’t even have come to Physics if you weren’t here. You’re like the only person I can tolerate in this school, even if you’re boring.”
“Thanks,” Seungmin says dryly, and she grins to show she’s joking and makes an okay sign with her thumb and index finger.
Lia continues to doodle while humming. Seungmin takes out his math review packet, flipping it open to where he left off. Lia is really nice, really pretty. Seungmin feels like he should have a crush on her, but he doesn’t. Instead, they have an unspoken truce; everybody else in the class sucks, so they’re friends.
Seungmin has nothing against this arrangement. With their combined brainpower, they’re usually able to figure out labs and assignments, because Mr. Sun can’t teach— “he’s old,” Lia says, “when is he going to retire” — and Seungmin can confidently say that talking to Lia is one of the guaranteed good parts of the day. It’s just that they have separate lives and don’t hang out outside of school.
Seungmin has a lot of people like that at Orchard High, in-school friends, although he doesn’t like most of them as much as he likes Lia. Friends he can hang out with outside of school are a lot harder to come by.
When Physics ends, Mr. Sun hands them a thick study packet for break. Lia takes a detour, presumably to the swim hallway, leaving Seungmin to walk to his next class on his own. The thought of ditching passes his mind, too, but he doesn’t act on it.
No class teaches anything today. Seungmin attempts work for the first few periods, but by lunch he’s run out of both study material and motivation. He feels like a marble being rolled aimlessly around on a roulette board. Felix isn’t here today, Seungmin’s other guaranteed good part of school. Felix is out for a volunteering thing. How terribly Felix.
Seungmin puts on his headphones and lets his thumb drift down to the Moonrise album. Better Better starts playing. He lets the melody drift through his veins, bringing him a quiet sense of peace.
In Calc, his last period, he plays whiteboard-hangman with half his classmates, the other half on their phones. The bell rings and then he walks out of school along with the tide of other students. Slush melts on the sidewalk. The sky is an unbelievable shade of blue.
The air is cold but somehow tastes like spring.
---
When Seungmin gets home, he heads up to his room. Well, right now it’s a shared room, with Chan claiming his original side. Chan is horizontal on his bed, throwing a pencil up and down. “Procrastinating?” Seungmin asks.
“Absolutely,” Chan says. His laptop is open next to him. Seungmin is willing to bet that Chan was working on some sort of project and Seungmin caught him on break. Chan is crazy disciplined, in a different way than Seungmin. Chan doesn’t sleep. It’s mildly unhealthy.
Seungmin plonks on the bed and takes a look on the screen. There’s the tell-tale soundwaves that means Chan is making music, and a digital post-it note on the side of the window with what might be song lyrics. “Don’t look,” Chan says, nearly shoving Seungmin off the bed. “It’s not good yet.”
“Oh no, how incredibly embarrassing,” Seungmin says, shoving Chan right back, but he gets up and goes to his side of the room. Chan’s bag is open, contents spilling onto the floor. By now Seungmin’s stuff has taken over most of the room. All Chan has reclaimed is his bed. Seungmin kind of wishes Chan still lived at home because the room feels too big when Chan isn’t there, even if it’s supposed to be more comfortable.
Chan isn’t technically Seungmin’s brother. Technically, Seungmin’s biological dad was an asshole who walked out, and then Seungmin’s mom married Chan’s dad, who at the time was recently divorced and fresh out of Australia.
The American midwest isn’t that much like Australia— the most exotic animal here is the neighborhood squirrel, for one— but anyway, Chan’s dad seemed to like it enough to settle down. He and Seungmin’s mom got married in the summer, and then she and Seungmin moved out of their old apartment into their current residency.
Chan is nice. He has a way of making houses homes and all that. Anyway, Seungmin never felt out of place with him, or intimidated. Seungmin wishes he could say the same about their dad. Their non-biological dad is everything his biological one is not, reliable and steadfast, a stickler for habits and rules and discipline. He has ideas about exactly one should do and how it should be done. It's helpful but at times it chafes.
In the end? Seungmin’s a teenager. It’d be crazy if it didn’t chafe.
Their dad gets back at six, looking as he always does like he just got off a train after a long day of work. “What do you guys want to eat for dinner before Chan goes back to school?”
Seungmin reaches for the laptop. Their dad doesn’t even need to ask— Chan will always request for pizza and fried chicken. Chan advocates for pineapple on pizza on half, Seungmin retorts that no fruit belongs on any slice, their dad refuses to take a side because it “isn’t a big deal.”
Their dad goes down to the basement to work, and Seungmin and Chan pile pizza and fried chicken on paper plates (Chan won the pineapple argument). Since it’s the last day of Chan’s spring break, they boot up Crunchyroll to watch Food Wars. It’s a great anime as long as one politely ignores the scenes that can only be described as food porn.
“Why does Crunchyroll have so many ads?” Chan complains.
“I would say we switch to an illegal streaming site but last time we did that our computer crashed,” Seungmin answers, and Chan acquises. The show cuts to one of the food porn scenes and Chan skips ahead to the actual plot.
“I can’t believe I decided to go to a state school instead of going to a cutthroat culinary academy so that I can later open up a famous restaurant,” Chan says. Seungmin refrains from pointing out this is probably because Chan can’t reliably make anything besides fried rice. “Why did I major in engineering again?”
“Because you’re good at it?”
“Seungmin, We’re watching anime. Put your logic on hold for the time being.”
They get through eight episodes, plus Crunchyroll’s ads, before Seungmin starts to fall asleep. Chan switches out his earbuds for his expensive headphones and goes back to fiddling with his music.
Yeah, the chafing thing. Chan’s dad, as an engineer, fully expects that Chan and Seungmin to be engineers in the future. Chan’s an all-rounder who fits in fine with that expectation. He got into UIUC’s cutthroat engineering program and majors in electrical, but since he got so much course credit in high school he has some free classes. For those, he chooses music. He plans on minoring in it, which their dad doesn’t actively disapprove of, just “doesn’t get why.” It’s a running joke that their dad will white-out the music minor part on the diploma after graduation.
Chan says that music is the only thing worth living for, and Seungmin understands that.
It isn’t that Seungmin can make music like Chan does, but he likes to listen and sing. Seungmin really wishes that he could play the piano. Sometimes his friend Jeongin complains about his piano lessons, and Seungmin goes and nags him.
“You sound like my mom ,” Jeongin complains.
“You don’t even understand how lucky you are,” Seungmin grumbles, but he lets Jeongin be. He supposes the actual learning process might be unbelievably painful. But still, it’s the piano .
As for Chan, he never holds anything over Seungmin, but it’s natural that Seungmin feels slightly pressured and overshadowed. Seungmin isn’t one to hold grudges, just one to point out what exists. Chan is extraordinary. Seungmin is extra-ordinary. He’s not degrading himself, but that’s how he feels.
There isn’t much to him. He studies hard and generally gets A’s (except in English, he has no idea what the fuck it means when the dress is red or the flower pot is behind the stove.) He’s good at taking photos and is the cameraman for their yearbook. He’s good at making people smile at the train-station coffee shop where he works.
He’s good at people-watching. He’s good at thinking the world is beautiful.
But at some point high school will end, and he isn’t sure what he’ll do then. Those growing pains, those strange questions about the future, are getting more and more frequent. Seungmin falls asleep and dreams about black and white keys. He dreams that someone is playing piano on the train.
---
Chan leaves the next morning. Seungmin is up when he leaves because his body is used to getting up early. Seungmin sees Chan off, and before boredom can hit Jeongin texts him telling him to come over. Seungmin checks the clock— he has a couple of hours before his shift, a good amount of time to go bother his friend.
Jeongin’s house is perfect biking distance, but because the ice is still melting and the sidewalks are either covered with snow or nonexistent, Seungmin walks. It still only takes him a little over half an hour. One would think they go to the same school, but the dividing line of the district splits right between their homes.
Seungmin walks up the stairs of the apartment and rings the doorbell.
“Oh, god,” Jeongin says. “You’re here to bother me in person now.”
“You were the one who invited me.”
Jeongin grins, braces glinting silver. There’s something about Jeongin’s demeanor that just brings happiness. Seungmin thinks that if they ever stopped being friends, Seungmin’s world would get a lot darker.
“Are you sleeping over?” Jeongin asks.
“I have a shift today.” Seungmin hasn’t slept over in awhile. He usually just comes for three to four hours and leaves. Considering this, he says, “But I guess I could go take my shift and then come back if it’s not too complicated.”
“Okay, yeah, do that. My mom loves you, she won’t mind.” She thinks Seungmin is a good influence on Jeongin. It’s not polite to correct her, but Seungmin privately thinks that he has no influence on Jeongin whatsoever. Jeongin does what he wants.
As if on cue, Jeongin’s mom shows up and immediately offers them food. Seungmin knows at this point that it’s impossible to refuse, but he tries anyway. It doesn’t work, and Jeongin and Seungmin both end up on the couch peeling their tangerines.
“You ever think about how oranges are like the most considerate snack ever?” Jeongin asks. “Like they come wrapped and perfectly sliced and all you have to do is peel it.”
“It’s actually quite similar to the onion,” Seungmin says, which vaguely reminds him of HJ’s tweet. “But onions aren’t generally thought of as considerate.”
“Hey, onions are chill,” Jeongin defends. Seungmin knows that Jeongin doesn’t cry when he cuts them, but that’s probably because even onions can’t bring themselves to make Jeongin cry. “Whatever, let’s just eat these and then go outside.”
“Alright.”
Jeongin has long given up on versing Seungmin in video games. Seungmin is just absolutely terrible at them. So they go outside.
It’s cloudy and depressing and the snow is melting in the park where they play a modified game of tetherball. When Seungmin accidentally gets whacked in the face, they call a short break, and Jeongin tells him a funny story about how somebody broke a clock trying to high-five it at Fields High. Seungmin updates Jeongin these kinds of stories through text, but Jeongin prefers to use their messages to send over songs he likes and memes he’s seen, and then update Seungmin on his life when they’re talking face-to-face.
They split up in the afternoon so Seungmin can do his required shift, and then Seungmin comes back at around seven, texting his dad that he’ll be sleeping over at Jeongin’s for the night. It’s a strange exception to his dad’s strictness, or maybe a corollary, that Seungmin should have good friends and spend time with them.
Or maybe it’s just for Jeongin, since Jeongin is an integral component of a past that his dad wasn’t a part of.
Jeongin and Seungmin have a vague outline for sleepovers. After they eat dinner— Jeongin’s mom makes ridiculously good kimchi— they eat popcorn and watch videos until both of them are too tired to function and they start losing their brain-to-mouth filters, so Seungmin stops being so polite and Jeongin stops pretending to be mean.
“I kind of wish you went to my school,” Seungmin says.
It wouldn’t do much good, since Jeongin is in the grade below him and they wouldn’t share any classes and it’s a one in four chance they would have the same lunch, but Seungmin wishes. Then Seungmin would know the people Jeongin talks about.
“I think we’ve already talked about how our school district doesn’t know how to draw dividing lines,” Jeongin says. “Besides, we’re friends just fine now.”
“Yeah, but you always have to catch me up on your life. It’s like I keep missing episodes of a TV show,” Seungmin grumbles.
At least Seungmin can drop by his apartment. Seungmin thinks that he’ll never do a long-distance relationship— that would be truly inconvenient.
“Why does it matter we go to different schools? You’re still my best friend,” Jeongin mumbles, tired enough that he’s curled into his blanket. It’s the kind of admittance Seungmin will only ever get out of Jeongin when he’s half asleep, a fact that makes him smile.
They decided to be best friends when Seungmin was seven and Jeongin was six, climbing up playground slides and trading Silly Bandz during recess, far too young to care whether they were good platonic matches for each other. They might not have been, to be honest. Seungmin and Jeongin fought and squabbled and they grew up and they grew different but they end up sticking together.
Seungmin figures that he’s lucky that it worked like that for him, that Jeongin stayed in his life like that.
---
Sunday, Seungmin opens up his running Google Doc and attempts to compile a schedule, because he has this problem where school is boring but he also doesn’t know how to structure his life without it. He would just be lazy but he feels like a blob at the end of the day if he’s done absolutely nothing.
SPRING BREAK SCHEDULE
- Make egg (and egg variations)
- Run
- Physics and Calc packets
- Shift at the Coffee Stop
- Have mildly awkward dinner with dad
- Read/listen to music/take photos around the neighborhood
- Screw around until I’m tired, maybe Jeongin will actually be online
Lia has this thing called a bullet journal where she writes her schedules in calligraphy. It’s functional and looks like it belongs in an art museum. Seungmin can’t pull something like that off, so he’s got this. He stares at the screen with a wry smile, and flicks up to all his past schedules, also written on the doc.
Seungmin supposes he’s kind of boring.
He’s been called a robot, once. But he knows he isn’t. It’s more that he’s constantly managing himself. He doesn’t like running, but he does it whenever he’s lonely or sad, or when his body refuses to listen to his brain, and considering he’s sixteen he’s ran several marathons on those emotions alone.
The times he wants to give himself to the world, his form of art expression is photography. There isn’t much to photograph around here, but he makes do: the snow melting off the treetops, graffiti on the sidewalks (he once graffitied a sidewalk so he could take a picture of it), reeds poking out of a pond, with the no-trespassing sign hidden safely out of the frame.
He takes pictures of other people if they’re available. If not, he practices on himself, although selfie angles obey a mysterious physics of their own, and sometimes he just ends up playing with the filters. He likes the ones where his face turns into fruits.
On the first day of break, Seungmin runs and studies in the morning then goes around the neighborhood in the afternoon. He comes home at six with his camera slung around his neck, right as his dad’s pulling into the garage. Seungmin sighs. It isn’t that on he’s on bad terms with his dad, it’s just that they never have anything to talk about.
They eat jjajangmyeon for dinner, and Seungmin washes an apple to go eat up in his room.
Jeongin isn’t online. Seungmin is so bored he almost resorts to going back to Khan Academy for SAT practice, but he will never be that bored so he takes a picture of the apple, posts it on Instagram, then goes to check Twitter. Day6’s Jae has tweeted something, so he hits like and retweet. Right under that, there’s a post by HJ.
HJ @hyunfortunately 5h
;-; i was at the store and this song was playing over the speakers and i tried to remember some lyrics so i could search it up later but i can’t find it this is TRAGIC
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HJ @hyunfortunately 5h
it was in korean and it’s kind of got rock-pop-balladish vibes and the first line of it was “neoneun neo neoneun na” if anyone knows it PLEASE tell me
Seungmin stares at the screen. He thinks he knows the song Hyunjin is talking about. Seungmin checks the replies underneath the tweet— there’s mostly “no ideas” and one suggestion of a BTS song.
Seungmin doesn’t like to interact with other people on Twitter, but the questions seems almost aimed to him. He hits reply and types, “Try Hi Hello by Day6.” He takes a ridiculous amount of time debating how to phrase such a simple sentence, then exists out of Twitter as soon as he’s responded.
Half an hour later, he comes back. There’s a new notification:
HJ @hyunfortunately 12m
thank you you’ve saved my life
HJ has also followed him.
Seungmin quirks an eyebrow— he doesn’t post anything worth following, but HJ, unlike him, is very liberal with his follows, so Seungmin supposes it isn’t a big deal.
---
Considering the schedule Seungmin has set up for himself, spring break should be monotonous. And it is, except Seungmin has hesitantly sort of started talking to HJ. Not over direct messaging, but sometimes when HJ posts, Seungmin sticks in a reply.
HJ @hyunfortunately 30m
i can’t believe my friend told me that “bubble” in spanish was “teta” I JUST TOLD MY ENTIRE SPANISH CLASS I LIKE TO DRINK BOOB TEA
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Min @myday325 2m
One time I accidentally told my teacher I liked to eat pan de pene instead of pan de pina
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HJ @hyunfortunately 1m
adsklfjsl penis bread omg that might be even worse
To others, responding is probably natural. Seungmin knows many of his classmates carry out virtual interactions with ease, but he prefers face to face contact. Chan calls him an old soul. Seungmin just says that the gen-z genes got lost in him and doesn’t elaborate much.
But he should have known that for most people, the next step would be to start messaging. One day, HJ tweets about visiting a garden since his spring break has started and Seungmin responds to it with a picture of his dad’s windowsill marigolds, but HJ doesn’t answer directly. Instead, he sends a DM. Seungmin stares at the little (1) that’s appeared next to the envelope icon up top of the screen and contemplates his next move.
He is cautious of befriending HJ.
Seungmin’s lack of gen-z genes isn’t the whole story. In truth, he’s been unlucky— his internet friendships have been one disaster after another. Back at the beginning of high school, he was in that phase where it felt like nobody understood him, and the internet was sold as some sort of utopia or safe haven where one could make true connections. Reality didn’t quite match up.
No fifty-year-old ever catfished him the way his parents were afraid of, but people messed him up in other ways.
Some conversations cut off at the first message, refusing to give him a chance, while other conversations were boring or strange or got way too deep way too fast. One time he was in a group chat that took up all his time before it fizzled out into nothing. Another time he talked to someone for a month before they ghosted him — they had issues going on, and they would often disappear without a word, leaving Seungmin to worry. One day, they never responded again.
It hurt him a lot. He heals relatively easily, but it took him a while to stop feeling like it was his fault. After that, he told himself that he would stick to IRL friendships where it was easier to keep tabs.
Seungmin knows the internet isn’t like that for everyone. Chan, a gamer, has made friends with plenty of people on the internet, even dated some of them. Chan still games, and he still has friends on the internet. He’s said he likes the feeling of being anonymous and of being able to present himself whatever way he wants.
Seungmin kind of understands that, but he’s always liked to be genuine and for other people to be genuine, too, and the presence of a screen warps boundaries in ways that he isn’t fully comfortable with.
Now there’s HJ’s message, and honestly, Seungmin wants to open it. He promises himself a few things: if HJ starts talking about his problems by the second conversation, he’ll back away, and if he starts to feel responsible for HJ’s happiness or feels upset talking to him, he’ll cut it off. But first off all, he won’t have high expectations. HJ probably won’t find him too fun to chat with, anyway. Seungmin lets the message sit and opens it the next morning on the way to school, when he’s sure HJ will be asleep.
HJ
hey!! did you take the photo yourself?
it’s really good
Min
Yeah, thank you
The check mark turns blue. HJ has read it. Seungmin’s eyes widen— what time is it over there? America has multiple timezones, and California’s far away.
HJ
talent
i cant take photos to save my life
our newspaper is totally dependent on like
a few good photographers
Min
Your bio says california, right?
Isn’t it late/early over there?
HJ
oops yeah i suck at sleeping
i’ll probably go to bed in an hour
when the sun comes up
Min
You’re nocturnal?
HJ
alas
nocturnal would imply i had a sleep schedule
im hyunjin, by the way!
its really nice to meet you ur replies are funny
Hyunjin. Seungmin wonders if he should tell Hyunjin his real name. No, Min is fine for now.
Min
Really? I thought I was being weird.
I’m a bit curious as to why you followed me.
HJ
you saved my LIFE with the song
following you is the least i could do !!
besides im glad i did you seem chill
Min
Have you listened to any other Day6 songs?
HJ
no should i???
+ do you have recs?
Seungmin resists the urge to copy paste the entirety of Day6’s discography into their newly minted Twitter chat. He looks out the window and sees that the bus has nearly pulled up to their school, feeling slightly disappointed.
Min
I really like Better Better
Also I have to go now. School.
HJ
okay i promise ill check it out!
have a nice day
Seungmin pockets his phone. Hyunjin seems nice. Talking to him wasn’t as terrifying as Seungmin thought it would be.
The bus doors open and Seungmin steps out onto the sidewalk, yawning into his hand. Break is over. Time to do physics.
---
Felix returns to school four days after spring break is over, waving Seungmin over to his lunch table. Well, their lunch table. The others are more Felix’s friends but Seungmin gets along fine with them.
“Seungmin!” Felix says, making grabby hands at him. “Do you know anything about derivatives? I missed a few days of school and suddenly we’re on a whole different chapter."
Seungmin pulls Felix’s worksheet over. Felix has written ??? next to several problems, and Seungmin has to stifle a laugh. Felix is in the math class below him, and Seungmin winces as he tries to remember the rules for trigonometric functions, which have come to haunt him again.
As Seungmin explains the chain rule, Felix takes a couple of tater tots and switches them out for a scoop of Seungmin’s fried rice. “Oh, I think I get it now,” Felix says, after Seungmin’s worked through the problem. “Well, kind of. I’ll read the textbook later.”
Seungmin pops the traded tater tot in his mouth. “Why were you out of school so long again, anyway? Cruise got delayed?”
“I wished I was on a cruise, it’s freezing up north,” Felix grumbles. “But nah. Ecological restoration work in Michigan.” He shows Seungmin his hand, where there’s a scar running down his pinky. “I got distracted once and dropped a saw on my hand.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t get distracted next time when you’re holding a saw.”
Felix just shrugs.
Seungmin thinks that Felix’s heart is made of twenty-four carat gold, and Seungmin is certain that Felix will save the world when he’s older. Felix is always volunteering for a charity or supporting a cause. He’s well versed in human rights and will school anyone who runs their mouth in the wrong direction.
In ninth grade, when Seungmin had just started taking photos for their school newspaper and Felix just started running for Cross Country, they didn’t talk to each other. Felix’s voice was deep then (deeper now) and he was a shoo-in for Varsity despite being a freshman. The Cross Country coach was known for being homophobic, and Felix ran the State meet in rainbow sneakers. Seungmin snapped pictures and cheered him on, the boy with the determined smile on his face despite the pain.
In tenth grade, the two of them shared English together. They sat next to each other, and one day there was a scheduled walk-out for gun control. Felix stood up, turned to him and asked, “Wanna come with?” That’s the only time Seungmin’s ever ditched school. He followed Felix, mildly dazzled, and after the demonstration they went over to Dairy Queen and got fries.
Seungmin’s parents were afraid that he would get expelled and hurriedly called the school to apologize, which is as embarrassing as it is hilarious.
The truancy got taken off of his record, but Felix stayed his friend. Without Felix, Seungmin be a lot lonelier at school. Seungmin has people to talk to, but Felix is the only person that makes Seungmin feel like there’s nothing more needed than his company; he invites Seungmin to his church meetings, his expeditions, volunteer sessions, not needing school as a context for hanging out.
“Hey, two more months until summer,” Felix reasons, as he stares at his math worksheet in confusion. “We can’t cover that much more material. Shit. Is this in Spanish?”
---
After school, Seungmin heads over to the Coffee Stop. It’s not a stand-alone coffee shop— it’s more an addendum to the train station in his neighborhood, a few blocks away from his house. The Coffee Stop is tucked into a little corner of the building, where the room opens up into, well, a train station, benches and chairs everywhere for those who are waiting and a glass door that opens up into the tracks.
Since he works here in the afternoon, not many people come in until the second half of the shift. That’s when people really start flooding through the glass door, briefcases in hand, tired after a day of work.
“Hey, Seungmin,” Heejin, his coworker says. He nods at her, pulling on the designated hat, and parks himself at the cash register. She’s the one who makes drinks, but right now she discreetly has a textbook out under the counter, studying bio.
The sun floods through the window. Seungmin takes out his textbook as well.
At five, they put their textbooks away. The drizzle of people turns into a pour. Most of them aren’t into coffee, just into getting home, but there’s still a decent line and Heejin makes drinks while Seungmin pulls pastries out with tongs and sticks them into fancy paper packages.
“Excuse me, no ice,” an old woman sniffs, even though she had, in fact, said ice, and Heejin apologizes and quickly remakes the drink.
Heejin told Seungmin once that whenever someone is rude, she won’t react on the outside, but internally she’ll jinx them so that they’ll desperately have to pee the next time they’re on a jammed highway. Seungmin has adopted this strategy as well. When someone’s particularly rude, they’ll get a double jinx from both of them.
But most of the time people aren’t rude, a lot are just nervous or tired and the typical midwesterner is hell-bent on being polite anyway.
The Coffee Stop is the first place Seungmin ever had coffee, and he wished then that if he had to work somewhere during high school or college, it would be here. It’s warm, and Seungmin thinks it might have indirectly inspired him to choose photography— all those people, spilling out into the wooden floors, it’s like a brief snapshot of a hundred lives.
He thought it would be cool to capture that. He doesn’t know where they’re coming from, or where they’re going, but he knows that brief intersection. And that moment is when he would lift the camera to his eye and the shutter would click.
---
Hyunjin messages him when it’s ten at night.
HJ
does coke taste better in cans or bottles
Min
… Cans?
HJ
wrong it’s bottles
everytime i see the glass bottles of coke
im like damn i wanna drink that
Min
Are you currently drinking Coke?
HJ
no it’s track season!
so i drink straight h2o but like
i wanna drink coke… and eat pizza…
Seungmin likes Coke well enough. He usually drinks water to stay hydrated, but no one’s ever expressly stopped him on the occasions he wants a Coke. And he runs, but he definitely has never been on a diet for the sake of sports.
Min
One Coke won’t kill you?
HJ
no but my coach will
ugh im so tired
i run short-distance
whY do i have to do endurance runs
Min
Oh wow, I’m sorry. What event do you do?
HJ
i do 100m + 200m
one time i did 400m and nearly died
i prefer swimming
then the sweat isn’t so obvious
Min
But you’re covered in pool water afterward.
HJ
touche
my hair is chlorinated even in off season
oh my god my friend just sent me
a picture of him with a mini bottle
im gonna kill him
Seungmin raises an eyebrow. A mini bottle?
Min
Of alcohol?
HJ
no of coke
sorry i should have specified lol
ive had alcohol once and it’s gross
but maybe it was bc it was in a can
Min
I kind of get it
My parents never lock up the beer
The bottles are nicely shaped
HJ
!!! see u understand
yeah in college if i ever go to a party
ill just pour the alcohol into a cup
and then i wont want to drink it
Min
You’re kind of strange.
HJ
ive been TOLD
but anyway cup < can < bottle
Seungmin checks the clock and starts when he realizes that thirty minutes have passed, and he still has math homework to do. He wants five more minutes— Hyunjin is so easy to talk to, even if it’s about something random like bottles versus cans. Seungmin forces himself to cut the conversation off to focus.
Min
I have to go now
I have math homework
See you
HJ
! have a good night
---
Over the next two weeks, Seungmin forms a pattern.
He talks to Hyunjin once or twice every day— one time he forgets to check the clock and realizes that they’ve been talking for too long, and his eyes are burning. He sets an alarm after that.
Hyunjin will usually be on at Seungmin’s 10 o’clock. Actually, Hyunjin is on Twitter at really bizarre times, but not for long. If he messages Seungmin anytime before 10 o’clock, the conversation is guaranteed not to last for long, with Hyunjin having to run off to his next commitment— for Hyunjin, track is just the tip of the iceberg.
It’s not like his typical friendship, because Hyunjin is fun to talk to, but Seungmin figures the two of them will always exist in separate spheres. It’s the exact opposite of most of Seungmin’s school friendships. Seungmin and Hyunjin are over two thousand miles apart (he’s checked), with a two hour time zone difference.
In the meantime, Seungmin tries to stay grounded in his own life. The SAT date looms and then hits him in the face like a brick— school is halted for a day so eight hundred disgruntled juniors can sit in the auditorium and take the test. Seungmin thinks he did okay. He’s good at multiple choice.
“I feel like my entire soul has been sucked out of my body,” Felix comments, after they’ve filed out and everybody is waiting in the hallway to be dismissed. “You need a ride home, Seungmin?”
“No, I can bike.” The snow has finally cleared off the sidewalks, so Seungmin doesn’t have to worry about his bike careening into the street. “And I get you. I can no longer feel my brain anymore.”
Jeongin sends a text to gloat, since as a sophomore he doesn’t have to take the SAT and thus has a free day. Your time will come , Seungmin types.
He hasn’t been messaging Jeongin as much recently, probably as a direct result of Hyunjin. Seungmin feels guilty about that. He promises himself that he’ll text Jeongin tonight.
He remembers when Chan first got into League of Legends. Chan’s a star student, but for that semester even though his grades stayed high, he never came out of his room. Seungmin kind of understands that addiction when he talks to Hyunjin, and so he sets his alarms and makes sure they don’t talk for more than an hour on weekdays. Besides, Hyunjin has his own life, too, with all his sudden disappearances and occasionally sporadic response times.
Seungmin thinks it's cool they met, though, that in all the usernames and notifications they bumped into each other. It isn't a small world, but rather a random one, and sometimes it works out nicely.
Chapter Text
HJ @hyunfortunately 1d
if i was a secret time traveler i’d probably accidentally reveal myself by doing the shoot dance in 2014 or something like that
|
Min @myday325 1d
What would you even be doing back in 2014?
|
HJ @hyunfortunately 1d
the shoot dance. duh.
HJ
you know i’m kinda surprised you haven’t blocked me by now
Min
You know, I’m kinda surprised too.
HJ
…rude
anyway check this out !
[picture: a hand holding up a peace sign, face out of view]
Min
Oh hey I like the bracelet
HJ
YES i like it too
it’s a rainbow loom bracelet
one of the girls at the writing center i tutor at gave it to me!
she’s twelve her whole ARM is covered with them
Min
It’s quite fashionable
I always wondered how those were made.
HJ
tell me about it
i SUCKED at arts and crafts camp
bracelet making is truly a difficult art
anyway im super proud of her !!
she was scared about her paper
Min
Isn’t she twelve?
What kind of paper does she have?
HJ
ugh idk her junior high is really competitive
i know, messed up
it was a history essay about populism btw
Min
Well I’m sure whatever she wrote was good
When I was twelve I didn’t know what populism even was
I’m still not sure what it is
HJ
LMAO me neither no worries
Seungmin scrolls back up to the picture. The bracelet is complicated, rubber bands interlocking in loops and swirls. If Seungmin understands kid logic correctly, Hyunjin must be an excellent tutor, or else she would have given him a plain one, or none at all.
Seungmin likes these glances of Hyunjin’s life. Hyunjin reveals himself in snippets, pieces of stained glass that fit together to make a full picture. After the initial introduction Hyunjin hasn’t purposely tried to give Seungmin more details about his life, but it’s an inevitable side effect of conversation.
Seungmin knows Hyunjin lives near San Francisco, California, and his life seems from another world, like Seungmin’s talking to a character out of a YA novel. Hyunjin goes to an elite school, the kind with tracks for liberal arts and STEM, and although it’s a high school, the classes sound like college courses. Over there, obtaining a 1600 on the SAT is not a strange thing, and most students juggle an entire roulette of extracurriculars, with the organizations student-run and on a professional level.
It’s foreign to Seungmin, who figures studying and taking pictures is plenty, but fascinating to hear about. In return, Seungmin shares a bit about his life. He tells Hyunjin that at his school, the organizations are nowhere near professional— Seungmin can say as the cameraman that the newspaper and yearbook are complete messes. But he’s pretty sure that Hyunjin completely misses most of what he says because he’s too enamored that Orchard High’s Newspaper is called The Pawprint .
It’s this kind of thing makes Hyunjin to be the conundrum that Seungmin is starting to see he is.
Because on one hand, Hyunjin fits in at the elite. Seungmin knows he does countless extracurriculars— so far, Hyunjin has name-dropped track, enviro club, and newspaper, to name a few, and he always seems to be shuttling from some place to another, taking the train from city to city for events like it’s no big deal. He’s also taking classes that Seungmin can’t even understand the summaries of, let alone the material. But Hyunjin isn’t trying to throw his achievements in Seungmin’s face. Instead, he self-deprecates, portrays himself as a mess who loves his dog and is addicted to YA novels and dramas. There’s something so casual about the other. Hyunjin uses Twitter slang and swears, never bothers with capital letters, and complains about how much he procrastinates. His personality bleeds through his messages and turns them colorful.
HJ
min
why isn’t life like the sitcoms??
Min
What is this about?
HJ
idk
don’t you think that’s just rude though???
we should ask the universe for a refund
Min
I think we lost the receipt a long time ago.
The thing is that Hyunjin seems to exist outside of eliteness. He in no way indicates that he looks down on Seungmin. Actually, it’s just the opposite— Hyunjin seems to show a genuine admiration for him. A few days ago, Hyunjin told Seungmin he wishes he could be so disciplined.
That, Seungmin thinks, is the most unbelievable part of Hyunjin, but Seungmin has to admit that it makes the other very agreeable to talk to indeed.
---
On the flip side, Seungmin wonders what Hyunjin has gathered about him.
He hasn’t revealed his personal information. Hyunjin knows that he’s also in eleventh grade, and that he lives in Illinois, but that’s it. Seungmin hasn’t sent over a selfie, so Hyunjin doesn’t know his face.
But otherwise, Seungmin hides no cards. He replies the way he would to anyone, responding to Hyunjin’s wit with blunt honesty and the occasional sarcastic remark. There’s no use pretending to be somebody else.
He wants to let Hyunjin know that more than anything, he’s just average.
If Seungmin had to describe himself in one word, that’d be it: average. When he was in elementary school and junior high, he excelled, although now that he looks back, maybe even that was an illusion. He planned to go to Harvard and become a lawyer. Then, he got to high school, and everyone was on the same level as he was, and he saw the world was so much bigger than he previously thought.
That sounds sad but Seungmin is comfortable with it. He once voiced this thought to his mom, and she looked at him serenely and said, “I don’t think you’re average at all.”
“You’re my mom, you’re supposed to lie.”
“If I wanted to lie I’d hire a politician,” she answered. “But I swear to god, you’re something special, although you can’t see it.”
Maybe. But it’s hard to see anything when you’re in high school, which seems to stretch forever.
That conversation was a while back. Seungmin wonders if he’d be comfortable saying something like that to his mom now. He used to think his mom was the kindest person in the world, and that he would always have her unconditional love. He still thinks that, but things are also different nowadays.
Right now it’s May. All of the slush finally melts off the sidewalks, and Seungmin trades out his hoodies for t-shirts. There’s a month left of school and everybody’s talking about getting summer jobs, or starting on college essays. The teachers crack down on them, trying to squeeze the last of the curriculum in before the end of the year.
Math class is now miserable, with everyday being a practice AP test of some sort. Seungmin struggles and decides that he won’t get any college credit, the shit is just too hard. He would ask his dad for help, but his dad only understands the concepts in Korean and Seungmin hasn’t asked his dad for help since fifth grade.
AP testing is standardized across America, one of the few constants in their patchwork country, along with ridiculously expensive college education. Felix stresses about the Lang test— “I’m okay with any essay questions on feminism or civil rights, but if they ask about Gandhi I will start crying in the middle of the exam.”
Like Seungmin, Jeongin has only one he has to worry about, except it’s US History. i’ve already given up , Jeongin texts over. too many white men. too many johns. ill just take my zero and leave.
Meanwhile, Hyunjin has a completely different issue.
HJ
fuck i ran out of stickers
and had to write my student ids out by hand
Min
How many tests are you taking for that to happen?
HJ
seven
im gonna die
im not even worried about the actual test at this point
i just hoped i bubbled in my identifications correctly
Min
See, I’m worried about the actual exam.
HJ
!! im sure you’ll do fine
i heard the calc bc test is straightforward
(i mean i can’t math so im not taking that one)
but you’re smart, you’ll ace it
Min
I’m just curious
Where does your faith in me come from?
HJ
shhh i just know these things
anyway i’m in it for the memes
ap test memes are the best
Min
Wait, there are memes about the AP test?
Why?
HJ
what do you mean why??
once you see you’ll understand
they’re the best, if technically illegal
ill retweet some for calc bc on your behalf
Min
Okay lol I’ll look forward to them.
Make sure not to go to jail.
HJ
~ no worries i won’t!
Memes or not, Seungmin’s life descends into chaos. First of all, since the tests are during the school day, Seungmin ends up walking into classes with half his classmates absent and has to watch as his teachers struggle to decide whether or not to still teach. Second of all, Seungmin finds his test is on the exact same day that Chan is returning from university, and his mom is returning from Korea.
“Should we go to a restaurant and celebrate?” his dad frets. “Wait, she’ll be jet lagged…should we make ramen instead?”
Seungmin personally likes the ramen idea, because going to a restaurant will make the change so obvious, and Seungmin feels like there’s potential for it to be awkward. Then again, everything will be awkward no matter what, and Chan might as well have a good dinner for a welcome-back.
Anyway, Seungmin doesn’t really want to discuss it.
---
The day before his mom comes back, he gets halfway through an essay before he dials Jeongin. It rings a few times before Jeongin picks up. They don’t usually call, especially not during the school day, so whenever either of them reaches out it’s usually a sign of something important.
“Hey, I just got out of the shower,” Jeongin says. “What’s up?”
“Can you call now? Do you have homework?”
“I have a math packet but it’s due in a week, so no I don’t have homework,” Jeongin answers, which makes Seungmin smile.
“My mom’s coming home,” Seungmin says.
There’s silence on the end of the line. “Oh. Are you good?”
“I’m fine. I think I’m happy about it, it’s just been some time. And she’s coming back on the same day as my AP test and Chan is returning from college.”
“Damn, that’s a lot.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Seungmin gets up, walking downstairs to get an apple and finds there are no more apples in the fridge. He pulls a face and walks back upstairs. “I just wanted to listen to your Spotify playlist, can you put it on?”
There’s a bit of shuffling and music starts playing from Jeongin’s end. “Can you hear it?”
“Sort of,” Seungmin says. Jeongin adjusts the sound.
Seungmin writes his essay with Jeongin’s playlist emanating through the phone. Their music tastes are similar— both of them like pop and rock. Jeongin goes heavier on the Western music, with a lot of songs from the 2000’s, although he does have some Day6 and Twice as a result of Seungmin’s influence.
An hour passes, and Seungmin’s dad calls from downstairs. “I gotta go,” Seungmin says. “I’ll see you.”
“See you.” Seungmin hangs up.
Jeongin just understands, even if he likes Sam Smith too much.
May 15, Seungmin shuffles into the auditorium with everybody else to sit through three hours of hell. By the end of it he’s convinced that he’s failed and that it’s fine as nothing really matters. He’s so tired. He just wants to sleep. When he pries open the door of his house and slings his backpack down, about to faceplant onto the couch, he finds Chan already sitting on it.
“Hey!” Chan says, all cheerful, before realizing Seungmin’s state. “Oh. You look dead.”
“Welcome home to you too.”
“Hey, you survived, and it’s only gonna be up from now,” Chan says, even though they both know that Seungmin will have finals on top of this soon. “Go take a nap, though. You sound like you’re drunk.”
“And you sound like you’re Australian, what else is new?” Seungmin sits on the couch and pulls a square cushion onto his chest.
Chan rolls his eyes. “Dad is leaving work early to pick mom up,” Chan says. “He says we’re going to Shen’s Menu unless you have too much homework.”
Shen’s Menu is a semi-casual restaurant that they go to for basically every special occasion. The food there is good: Chan likes the ramen and Seungmin likes the mandu. Seungmin leans his head against the pillow and mumbles, “No, I don’t have too much homework.”
He falls asleep for a while and wakes up half an hour to six, then goes to find Chan in their room, gaming. Chan takes off his headphones when he sees Seungmin. “You’re awake, Dad texted me awhile ago that they’re on their way back.”
“Nice.” Seungmin sits next to Chan and watches him maneuver his avatar around, not sure what’s happening. There’s a little explosion onscreen and a red bar starts flashing on top of the avatar’s head. Seungmin hears the sound of a garage door opening and his stomach twists a bit before he realizes that it’s his neighbors.
Five minutes later, another garage door opens. It’s theirs.
“Let’s go,” Chan says. Seungmin can tell he’s unsure as well, with how jerkily he slides his headphones off and sets them down.
Chan opens the door just as the car is pulling in. Seungmin fists his hands in his t-shirt. He sees his mom’s face through the car window and his nerves spike. She gets out of the car, and Seungmin looks at Chan for what to do. Chan is already moving, embracing her, and after he steps away Seungmin finds himself maneuvering forward, as if on autopilot, to put his arms around his mom’s abdomen.
He’s taller than her by a good two inches, which will always be strange to him since she’s been the taller one for the majority of his life. It’s a premium hug, soft and warm.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Seungmin says.
“I’m glad I’m back, too.”
There’s an awkward silence, and their dad, never good with words, changes the subject. “Well, it’s around time for dinner. We were talking about going to Shen’s Menu. Your mom says she’s jet lagged but she’d still like to celebrate Chan finishing his first year at UIUC.”
Seungmin goes to put his beat-up tennis shoes on, then gets into the car. Their dad switches on the radio, which is playing Shawn Mendes, and Seungmin and Chan are both singing along by the time they’re pulling out the driveway.
“Oh, I know this song,” their dad says. “It’s the Stitches guy.”
“Stitches guy,” Chan mumbles in disbelief. “Yeah, him.”
Seungmin has a poster of him. It was for fifty cents and Shawn Mendes is a good artist.
“I still don’t know his name,” their dad admits.
The restaurant isn’t that crowded when they go in, as it’s the middle of the week. Seungmin lets everybody else order, since everything on the menu is good. He flips through the little dessert menu despite their family never getting dessert because the pictures are so enticing.
Chan’s phone pings and he pulls it out of his pocket. “Phones away,” their dad says.
“I know, I’m just checking.” As soon as Chan opens up his phone his face splits into a smile, barely contained.
Seungmin raises an eyebrow. “What’s up?”
“I gave my phone number to my friend Haseul, she just texted me.” Chan’s voice is casual but his face is red.
“Oh, you told me about her. The one that’s scared of birds?” Seungmin wants to tease Chan but refrains, since it isn’t like he himself has much ground to stand on.
“Text her back,” their mom says. Their dad shoots her a look. “What? It’s polite.”
Chan shoots off a message, then puts his phone in his pocket. “I told her I’m at dinner.” Seungmin can tell he doesn’t want to text her in front of them. Fair enough, since he has this dazed smile that Seungmin feels secondhand embarrassment about. People really get stupid when it comes to love.
“So is there anything interesting at university?” their dad asks.
“Uh, grades are in, all As,” Chan says. He isn’t bragging, he’s just the kind of person who gets all As, although they’re warranted with how much he studies. “I’m going to do research this summer.”
“Research about what?” his dad says, and that’s when Seungmin loses track of the conversation because it’s filled with engineering jargon which might as well be another language. He can feel his mom looking at him and stares at his lap for awhile before getting up to go to the bathroom.
He doesn’t really need to use the bathroom.
When he gets back their food has started to arrive, and there’s already some food portioned onto his plate. Their dad raises his glass of water. “To Chan and your mom returning home.”
Chan adds, “And Seungmin surviving the Calc BC test.”
They don’t talk much after that because food is food, and Seungmin’s stomach has fortunately loosened itself to make room for bibimbap and lollipop chicken wings. Chan and Seungmin finish first, and then Chan asks if Seungmin’s going to prom.
“I mean, I wasn’t going to, since tickets are fifty dollars,” Seungmin says. “But I’m going because I’m taking pictures for school.”
“Does that require you to wear a tux?”
“Well, I have to blend in, and tuxes are like the prom version of camo so I guess,” Seungmin says, grimacing. He’s forgotten about prom, he needs to check when that is. “Do you think I can paint my sneakers black and pretend they’re dress shoes?”
Seungmin feels the food coma settle in by the time they’re going home. It’s strange how he can be full but still feel strangely empty. He curls his knees up to his chest. There’s a few new notifications from Hyunjin.
HJ
okay im a coward so i didn’t rt the memes but
[attached are three Calc BC memes]
Seungmin smiles, faint.
Min
Thanks.
You’re right they’re pretty funny.
I’m really tired today so I can’t talk
HJ
dude that’s chill
get that sleep
i should do my homework anyway
---
Seungmin doesn’t know why he volunteered to take photos for prom.He doesn’t usually go to his school events, going to Jeongin’s instead. The DJs are probably equally terrible at both their schools, but Jeongin’s school is actually closer to Seungmin’s home (seriously, who drew the lines in their district?). But Seungmin puts on a tuxedo and slings his camera around his neck, ready to go. Chan’s driving.
HJ
yooo prom night tonight for us
Min
Really? Same here, actually.
HJ
no way?
icb we’ve synced up for once
are you going with anyone?
Min
Yeah, my camera.
I’m the photographer.
HJ
oh damn
your date sure sounds flashy
Seungmin stares at the screen and contemplates between laughing and somehow reaching through the phone to slap Hyunjin in the face.
Min
I’ll pretend I didn’t see that.
Are you going with anyone?
HJ
hell yeah im going with someone
shes super chill i love her
Min
Is she your girlfriend?
Sorry, if you don’t mind me asking.
HJ
i don’t mind you asking
to clarify she is absolutely not
that’s basically incest
we’re twins our last names are both hwang
related in spirit if not blood
we’re going with a group of friends
Min
That sounds fun.
HJ
it should be
actually it BETTER be
i paid SO much money for a ticket
Min
Our prom is expensive too
My ticket is free because I’m taking photos
HJ
nice maybe i should pick up photography
and sneak my way into formal events free
jk
well i hope you have fun!!
Seungmin puts his phone away. “Who are you texting?” Chan asks.
Seungmin hesitates for a second. “Jeongin.” Chan would definitely understand an internet friend, unlike their parents who would probably confiscate his phone for the next century, but Seungmin doesn’t feel like explaining.
---
He actually does have fun at prom. The complementary dinner is disgusting— chicken with the texture of burnt rubber; Seungmin should have ordered the vegetarian option— but at least Seungmin gets lots of photos.
Maybe prom night isn’t magical like movies make it out to be, but when Seungmin’s behind the camera, he can capture moments and frame them in whatever way he likes. He’s usually behind the camera instead of in front of it, but he’s curious what light other people would choose to paint him in if it were the other way around, if there comes a time when he’s the subject of a photo and not the photographer.
Seungmin didn’t plan on dancing but Felix finds him and coerces him into doing a few songs.
“Come on, you can be off-duty for a little ,” Felix wheedles. “Besides, this song is so terrible the only way to make it better is to dance.”
“I can’t dance,” Seungmin half-heartedly protests.
“Nobody cares, mate.”
The DJ has boosted the bass so much, it’s all Seungmin can hear. He laughs when Felix does the Macarena and tries to spin him around in a circle, his dress shoes hell on his heels, and they freestyle a bit before Felix disappears off into the group of friends that he came with.
Seungmin gets behind the camera, and takes the shot.
Someone else is responsible for the after-prom photos, and that costs extra so Seungmin texts Chan and asks him to come pick him up. am i your personal chauffeur or something??? Chan responds.
Seungmin types, Yes.
He can almost hear Chan sigh behind the phone. let me finish this level and then ill be omw
When Seungmin gets home, it’s ten o’clock. His body thrums with energy, leftover from the loud music. He trades the suit out for a t-shirt and sweatpants and turns the music on, dancing around to Twice (he’s memorized a concerning amount of the Heart Shaker choreography) before he crashes, falling asleep before he can take a shower.
He wakes up at three, sweaty and gross.
“Alright then,” Seungmin mutters. He goes to the bathroom and stands under the cold spray for awhile. When he gets out there’s a nervous sensation prickling under his skin that prevents him from going back to bed.
He checks his phone and is surprised to see a message from Hyunjin that’s from five minutes ago. He does the calculation to account for time zones, which is second nature at this point. It’s 1 AM over there for Hyunjin— eh, knowing Hyunjin, that isn’t even a strange time to be awake.
HJ
youre probably asleep
but prom photos
[pictures: (3)]
these were taken from my phone lol
very low quality
Even with the supposed low quality of the photos, Seungmin can tell that the place Hyunjin’s school rented out is infinitely fancier— he thinks that Hyunjin might be on a boat.
Min
They’re not that low quality
HJ
not THAT low quality he says
anyway what are you doing up??
aren’t i the one with the zero sleep schedule
Min
I don’t think either of us have room to talk
It’s past midnight over there for you
HJ
im just up with the rest of the school!
no one’s asleep rn
but yeji (the girl i went with) and i
left early to go watch movies
Min
What movies?
You guys still watching them?
HJ
pixar movies
and no I just got home
im kind of tired but also like
idk i dont wanna sleep
Min
I don’t think that’s anything new for you
HJ
don’t CALL ME OUt like this!!
anyway min… can i tell you something
or do you wanna go back to sleep
it wont take up too much of your time
Seungmin hesitates. He isn’t good at comforting people, and if Hyunjin is having a meltdown on the other side of America Seungmin will have zero idea what to do.
Min
I mean, what is it?
HJ
okay uh how do you feel about rainbows
Oh, nevermind. Seungmin has this in the bag.
Min
They’re great.
HJ
how do you feel about people
who use rainbows to represent themselves
Min
They’re great, too.
HJ
okay so you’re chill with me being gay?
Min
Yeah. No reason I wouldn’t be.
From Hyunjin’s posts, Seungmin’s discerned that Hyunjin feels strongly about gay rights, but Seungmin didn’t want to assume anything since it wasn’t his business.
HJ
thanks min
i was just thinking that because
prom was cool and all
but i wanted to go with someone i really liked
that’s kinda stupid
Min
I don’t think it’s stupid.
But prom is just one night
In the future you can dance with whomever you like whenever you want
Besides, aren’t you a junior? You have next year.
HJ
lol it’s the ya books setting my expectations too high
i should really stop reading those
and yeah im a junior but at this point all the guys at my school fall into two categories:
(A) i don’t want to go with them, or (B) they don’t want to go with me
Min
High school sucks.
HJ
PREACH
anyway sorry for dumping that on you
im gonna go listen to nicki minaj now
go to sleep! sleep is healthy
Min
I’m not taking sleep advice from you
But I’ll see you, have a good night.
HJ
you too!
---
Seungmin hasn’t really thought about romance. His body has, sure, since he’s a teenager, but his mind hasn’t caught up. He doesn’t think he’s really been attracted to anyone since high school started.
Hyunjin knows he’s gay. Seungmin isn’t sure. He thinks girls are objectively pretty, but he also thinks guys are objectively handsome. He got really nervous around Felix in his freshman year, and wonders what the line is between admiration and infatuation. But that ship has long sailed. He can’t imagine being more than friends with Felix.
And like Hyunjin, as a junior, Seungmin doesn’t have high hopes for a high school romance. By now he’s assessed all the fish in his school’s metaphorical pond, and well, the options are somewhat limited. What Seungmin’s really concerned with is just getting through these four years okay.
His plan looks something like this:
- Finish junior year.
- Finish senior year.
- ????
Number one on the list is about to be completed, with finals right around the corner. Seungmin actually has more free time than usual before finals, as he doesn’t know how to cram and doesn’t bother to try.
The air in the school changes. It smells different, like an ending. Seungmin walks through the hall in the different air and thinks about summer, what he’s going to do then, and tries not to think about senior year and how he has no idea what to do with his life.
His mom is home, but Seungmin doesn’t talk to her much. He spends most of his time in his room, listening to music. Since his mom is in-between jobs right now, she spends most of her time preparing for interviews. Sometimes she’ll walk up to his room with a bowl of neatly sliced apples.
Seungmin is so used to eating his apples whole at this point that seeing sliced apples makes him feel weird.
“Are you going anywhere over the summer?” Felix asks, as they’re out on the curb, eating lunch outside.
“No, I’m stranded,” Seungmin says, truthful. “What about you?”
“I’m doing this camp thing in Wyoming during June, but after that we should definitely hang out.”
“Wow, Wyoming?”
“Right? I don’t think Wyoming is real, but I guess we’ll find out,” Felix says. “Text me. You know how to text, right?” Felix elbows him on the side, teasing.
“I suppose I could learn for you,” Seungmin says dryly.
Seungmin tells several people that he’ll text them and that they should hang out over the summer, but he’s sure that Felix is the only one who’s taking it seriously. For most people it’s a courtesy promise, not one to actually be fulfilled. Felix is cool in that he’s different.
All of Seungmin’s classes slow down in preparation for the end of the year, except for physics, with Mr. Sun trying to shove the last unit in their minds because he’s terrible at scheduling. Eventually, even he gives up, saying, “Just remember the formulas, I have nothing else I can tell you,” and spends the next class periods showing documentaries.
Seungmin and Lia tune out most of them. She brings in a card deck and they play Nervous Breakdown and Speed at their lab table. The only documentary they both pay attention to is the one on radio waves, the narrator talking about how even after there is no trace of humanity left, the waves will still travel, until they reach the edges of space and eventually blend in with the background noise of the Big Bang.
Seungmin wonders if there is another him out there in the universe, lightyears into the future. Listening in to the broadcasts from earth, conspiracy podcasts and TV transcripts and 80’s music, equally confused as to what to do in life. Probably. Definitely. Anything could happen such a long distance away.
“Imagine aliens receiving our radio waves and hearing Despacito blast through the speakers,” Lia says despondently. “I guess Earth will never be contacted. The rest of the galaxy has decided we’re all insane.”
“I mean, we are.”
“Yeah.” She lifts her arm up for a fist-bump, her silicon bracelets falling on top of each other. “Have a nice summer, Seungmin, and good luck on finals. I hope I have a class with you next year.”
“I hope I have a class with you, too.” Seungmin fist-bumps her back and smirks. The warmth of her words last him for the rest of the school day. When he gets home, he sits on the porch with the sun on his shoulders. His mom looks at him through the window and smiles.
---
Junior year hurtles to an end. Seungmin fills in the last bubble on the scantron for his last final, Spanish, turns it in, and goes home.
The reality of summer hasn’t sunk in yet. He still feels like the next morning he’ll have to get up and drag himself to school. Seungmin opens Twitter, and sees that Hyunjin has posted.
HJ @hyunfortunately
i have finals so i’ll be gone for the next two weeks!
Oh. Seungmin won’t even have Hyunjin to talk to this June. He messages Hyunjin, whose account is still activated. Good luck with finals . He gets a response six hours later.
HJ
thank you!
im deleting my acc for the next two weeks
but i still wanna talk to you
Seungmin has garnered from Hyunjin’s tweets and interactions that Seungmin is one of Hyunjin’s many friends, one DM in a long list, so Seungmin is a bit flattered that Hyunjin would say this.
Min
I mean, I’ll still be here after two weeks.
HJ
YEAH but like
two weeks is so long
Min
Aren’t you deleting Twitter to study?
We talk a lot I’m sure I take up your time.
HJ
nah it’s not so much the time
but more like how draining twitter culture is
Truthfully, Seungmin’s wondered how Hyunjin can stand it. Twitter has a mean streak: people overestimate the legitimacy of their own opinion and underestimate the impact words can have on others when they’re safely tucked behind their screens. Cancel culture is particularly terrifying, all those users descending upon the corpse of the victim like maggots upon rotten flesh.
Hyunjin isn’t mean at all. He’s sensitive and too kind. No wonder he should get tired at some point.
Min
I get you.
HJ
and like
i try not to care about unfollows and mutes and whether im relevant or any of that but sometimes i do
i like talking to you cause you don’t care about that
Min
Ah.
I hate to admit it but
I like talking to you, too.
HJ
idk if youre comfortable with this but do you want my #?
you dont have to text me
Red flags go up. If Seungmin texts Hyunjin, and therefore gives Hyunjin his phone number, then Hyunjin will exist outside of Twitter. If need be, it will therefore be harder to cut him off.
But Seungmin isn’t sure he wants to cut Hyunjin off. He has felt comfortable talking to the other so far, their conversations easy and mundane, and after the novelty of talking to Hyunjin has worn off, Hyunjin just feels like another friend. They’ve known each other for two months. That’s a decent amount of time.
So he hesitates.
HJ
xxx-xxx-xxxx
again, only if youre comfortable!
i’ll be back in two weeks anyway
Seungmin adds the number as a contact. He’ll think about it.
---
“Hey,” Seungmin’s mom says. “Since you’re done with finals, do you want me to take you out for frozen yogurt?”
Seungmin looks up. He doesn’t have an excuse to say no. His go-to excuse during school was that he had homework but now it’s summer. His mom has phrased it as a question, so Seungmin could decline, but that’s rude. Besides, he likes frozen yogurt.
“Sure.”
The ride there is silent, the radio playing to fill the space. Seungmin likes how music makes the air warmer, loosens it into something natural. Day6 is going to release a new mini album soon and he’s excited. The summer air blows through the open windows and for a moment Seungmin is completely at peace.
At Freeze Haven, he and his mom both get the plain kind, although Seungmin adds some chocolate shavings on top for the aesthetic. When he was younger, he would beg her to scoop some gummy bears on top of hers so he could eat them without having to combine chocolate and gummies himself.
Seungmin smiles to himself at the memory and sticks his spoon into his mouth. He scrolls through conversation topics in his head. He used to tell her about his photos, and show her all the songs he liked. And then several months ago she became quiet, and his attempts to show her anything were rebuffed, and it was all so silent.
He doesn’t hold a grudge against her — she was in more pain than he was — but it makes him cautious now. School is boring, but it’s a safe topic, so he sticks to that. “I got my grades back on finals,” he says. “Four A’s and two B’s.”
“Good job,” she says. “I’m proud of you.” Seungmin can’t tell if it’s genuine and isn’t sure if he wants it to be. He’s always hated for his effort to be judged by the result.
“Well, it’s another year down. Now I just have one left. I wonder how it will be.”
She waves a dismissive hand. “If you keep going as you are now, you’ll be fine next year. I’m not worried about that. Do you know what you want to do over the summer?”
“I have extra shifts at the train station since I don’t have school anymore.”
“Are you always so diligent?” she says. “I meant, what are you going to do for fun?”
Seungmin’s back in his head again, scrolling through answers. He can’t tell her that he’s going to talk to Hyunjin, because (1) he still hasn’t decided if he’s going to text the other and (2) Seungmin hasn’t told anyone about his internet friend. And he doesn’t want to talk about photography or music because again, he fears she won’t care.
“Hang out with Jeongin, probably. Maybe Felix.”
“Oh, yeah, Jeongin’s a good friend of yours, make sure to keep him around,” she says, and Seungmin can see her scrambling to remember who Felix is. “Is Felix the really nice one? The one you said was going to save the world?”
Seungmin’s surprised she remembers that exact phrasing. “Yeah, him. And maybe not the whole world, but at least Illinois.”
“Okay. I’m just making sure you’ll somewhat relax over summer.”
There’s this look on her face and Seungmin wants to take a picture of it to analyze, but he doesn’t have his camera and her face is back to neutral as soon as he blinks. He goes back to his frozen yogurt. He wants to ask her, do you feel better ? But he doesn’t feel like it’s his place to ask, so instead he studies her. She looks healthier than she did before the trip, and her eyes don’t seem like those of a ghost’s anymore. Sunlight filters through the windows and glints across the floor. His mom puts a gummy in his cup.
---
Seungmin
hey
this is min?
Hyunjin
hey!!
It turns out talking to Hyunjin over text is pretty much the same as Twitter, except there’s less of a lag time and Seungmin doesn’t distract himself looking at tweets while he waits for Hyunjin to respond.
Seungmin does as he tells his mom. In June, he works at the train station and hangs out with Jeongin, as currently Felix is out in another state, and Chan has his internship and university friends. Jeongin is harder to reach than usual— the younger is swamped with Driver’s Ed and forced SAT practice. Poor Jeongin.
In the times that both of them are free, they go to the park and sit on the swings or play soccer, while Jeongin complains about scantrons and the graphic videos his Driver’s Ed teacher shows. Sometimes they pool their change together and get rocket pops from the convenience store. It isn’t terribly exciting but it also isn’t such a bad way to spend summer.
---
Seungmin
Today someone came in and asked for a venti cup of whipped cream.
It wasn’t hard to make, we just weren’t sure how to charge them for it.
Hyunjin
sounds like me tbh!!
my friend cb did that with tapioca pearls once at a bubble tea shop
lmao the cashier was horrified
Seungmin
Really? Why on earth would he do that?
Hyunjin
it’s kinda a long story
Seungmin
I got time
Hyunjin
okay well
…
actually min im sorry
but im kinda sad right now
don’t really wanna talk
Hyunjin’s admittance jars him. On a logical level, Seungmin knows that Hyunjin has problems of his own and isn’t always this happy-go-lucky person he portrays himself to be on Twitter, but this is the first time he’s seen actual proof, and he isn’t sure what to do about it.
Seungmin
Okay, do you want to be left alone?
Hyunjin
yeah
unless you want to be subject to my rant
Seungmin
I don’t mind.
Hyunjin
you SURE
it’s a big rant and it’s dumb
Seungmin
I’m sure it isn’t dumb
You can call me if you want.
He regrets the offer as soon as he types it. Shit, he didn’t think. It’s just that whenever Jeongin has a problem, he calls Seungmin, unless he’s in a public place and can’t talk. Seungmin can’t believe he made the offer— at least Hyunjin probably won’t take him up on it.
Hyunjin
yeah i’d like that
thank you
Nevermind.
A second later, the phone rings. Seungmin stares at the screen. He’s going to hear Hyunjin’s voice, and Hyunjin is going to hear his. Okay. Seungmin isn’t super in love with his voice, but he has more faith in it than, say, his face. He picks up after a few rings, telling himself his voice is a fairly innocuous piece of information about him, as Hyunjin doesn’t even know his full first name.
Hyunjin still knows him as Min.
“Hey?” Seungmin says hesitantly.
There’s silence on the other end, and then— “Hey.”
Seungmin doesn’t know why but he starts laughing, and Hyunjin starts laughing too. Hyunjin’s voice is different that Seungmin expected, but not in a bad way. “You have a nice voice,” Hyunjin says, genuine. His end crackles a bit with static.
“Thanks. You too.”
“I, um, okay,” Hyunjin says, then cracks up again. “Strangely, I already feel kind of better? But, um, I’ll try not to make this too depressing. Are you busy right now? I’m not taking up your time?”
“I’m not busy, and I’m fine with you taking up my time.” It’s eight at night and Seungmin is alone in his room. His dad is downstairs, and Seungmin holds the phone closer, a little self-conscious. “So… are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m okay.” Hyunjin sighs, a little burst of air. “I just got rejected. It sucks.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.” Seungmin can’t imagine anyone rejecting Hyunjin, but he knows that sometimes people just don’t click. “I wish I could send you some iced tea or something, but I’m not sure that’s how it works.”
“Yeah, the ice cubes would melt by the time it reached where I was,” Hyunjin agrees. “I mean, I’m sure I’ll get over it. The backstory is, seniors end school earlier than us, and since it was his last day I just decided to tell him that I liked him. He was really nice about rejecting me but for some reason that hurts more.”
Seungmin doubts there’s a good method of rejection. Anyone with an ounce of pride would feel the sting even if it was done kindly. “I understand.”
“I liked him for around a year? He’s on swim team and track with me and we’re friends and then I just had to mess it up by falling for him.”
“I mean,” Seungmin says, choosing his words carefully. “I don’t think you can control who you like.”
“I really can’t, if I could I would like people that actually liked me back. Because I could tell he couldn’t see me like that. But it’s fine. It’s fine . I’m fine.”
Seungmin bites back a retort that repeating it’s fine three times does not make it more convincing, instead saying, “I mean, it’s his loss.”
“I’m not sure.”
“Well, I’m sure. It’s one hundred percent his loss,” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin laughs a bit at that. “Are you holding up okay?”
“I mean, I have to? Finals is literally in three days. I chose the worst fucking time possible to have a romantic crisis.” Hyunjin laughs, dry. “But… I will be okay. It’ll just take some time. After school ends, I’ll have all summer to get over him.”
Seungmin folds his legs against his chest, resting his arm on his knees.
“I guess part of it is that it never rains but pours. I forget about Mark— the guy I like— for a second, and then I’m worried about finals. I don’t know anything, and everytime I write something it’s just all bullshit, and I’m scared that some day everybody will finally figure it out.”
“I don’t think so, I think you actually know what you’re talking about,” Seungmin says.
“Nope. It’s all bullshit.”
“Then the Avengers called. They want their superpower back.”
“What, the superpower of bullshit?” Hyunjin giggles, making the phone crackle a bit. “It would be kind of useful, actually. You could just say the city was fixed and then. Bam. It is.”
“I haven’t seen many of the movies but destroying the city seems to be a trend, so you’re right.” Seungmin shifts. “Real talk, you have what, a week until summer? You’ll be free then.”
“For a while. In July I’m getting shipped off to Las Vegas for a law internship. Hey, that’s kind of close to Illinois.”
“Hyunjin, that’s nowhere close to Illinois.”
“Shut up, I never learned geography.”
There’s a comfortable quiet. Seungmin can’t see Hyunjin’s face, and Hyunjin can’t see his. They’re separated by two thousand miles connected by an invisible telephone line, thin as a thread but strong as steel.
“You ever dated someone, Min? If you don’t mind me asking?” His voice is hesitant.
“No. You?”
“In freshman year I flirted with a guy online for like, three weeks before he cut it off. It hurt, not gonna lie.” There’s some shuffling on Hyunjin’s end of the line. “I don’t think I’ll get to date someone in high school, so I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’ll meet someone who likes me back in university.”
Seungmin suddenly gets this image of Hyunjin, on the other side of America, stuck in the present and dreaming of the future. Hyunjin might be faceless to him, but it still feels a lot like looking into a mirror. “I’m sure you will,” Seungmin says.
“Thanks for your vote of confidence.” Seungmin can’t know but he thinks that Hyunjin might be smiling. “Okay, I have to go write my semester paper now. Thanks for hearing me out, Min. I swear I won’t be this depressing in the future. I mean, Mark? Who is that? I’m already forgetting.”
“You’re allowed to be sad, you know.”
“Mm.” It’s a non committal response. “See you.”
“Try to go to bed at a reasonable time.”
“No promises.” Hyunjin laughs and then the phone clicks off, the echo of his voice like music.
“Who were you calling?” his dad asks later.
Seungmin doesn’t miss a beat. “Jeongin.”
---
Seungmin
Seungmin.
Hyunjin
?
Seungmin
That’s my real name.
Hyunjin
oH! wow that’s a plot twist
makes sense though
seung/min
it’s a nice name daslkfjls
Seungmin
LOL it’s just my name
Hyunjin
idk it just fits you!
---
Seungmin is sure Hyunjin is going to be okay.
Hyunjin finishes with finals— the bs strikes again! — and goes back to talking with Seungmin about whatever crosses his mind. The conversation topics are neutral or happy, but occasionally Seungmin will get something about wanting ice cream or stalking Mark’s Instagram page.
Seungmin
Stop looking at his Instagram page.
Hyunjin
salfjdaslajk oKAY
Day6 releases their new album. Seungmin stays up until 3AM to listen to it, and regrets his decision absolutely zero percent because the title track, Shoot Me, is amazing, and one of the b-sides, Somehow, even more so.
The next day Hyunjin excitedly texts him that Day6 has released a new song— he got in his YouTube recommendation— and that Seungmin should go listen to it. Seungmin has already listened to it ten times, but he appreciates the heads-up anyway.
“Why are you so tired today?” Jeongin asks, when they meet up at the park. “Oh, wait, Day6 just released their music. Nevermind.”
Seungmin yawns. He isn’t Hyunjin, who probably needs negative hours of sleep to function. “Did you listen to it?” he asks.
“Yeah, but I didn’t stay up all night. You’re on another level.”
“It’s good music,” Seungmin defends. “I got another friend into it.”
“Who?”
Seungmin hesitates. “His name’s Hyunjin. I met him on Twitter.”
“Oh, that’s cool. Is he nice?”
“Yeah. He is.”
Notes:
okay this fic is 85% written and 50% edited so i promise i will see you to the end reliably. my fav svt fic dropped off at 22/26 chapters and i would not want to wish the pain of an incomplete work on ANYONE !
Chapter Text
Felix
SEUNGMIN!!!!!!
im BACK
Seungmin
HEY FELIX
How was Wyoming?
Did it turn out to be real?
Felix
oh yeah
turns out it IS real
crazy right ?
anyway it was fun but we should hang out now
Seungmin
Aren’t you jetlagged?
Felix
not like RIGHT NOW
and no i’m not jetlagged i have the power of god and anime on my side
Seungmin
Okay Felix
Felix
omg wait i just remembered
chicago pride is soon do you want to go with me?
only if you want though
Seungmin pauses, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.
Here is the thing about Pride. Seungmin knows that there are no restrictions, but he still feels like he’d be an imposter in the crowd. He’s seen pictures of the parade online from last year, glitter painted across torsos and colors everywhere. It’s beautiful, but he feels like he should admire the crowd from afar, like he’s got no right to stand in it.
Seungmin
I’m not sure
Felix
okay lmk if you decide!!
---
Seungmin
My friend asked if I want to go to Pride with him.
Hyunjin
omg
do you want to go??
Seungmin
I’m not sure.
For some reason I don’t know if I’d fit there.
Hyunjin
okay i kinda get that but also
anybody can go you know??
i know straight people who go
Seungmin
I don’t know if I’m straight.
Seungmin surprises himself by his own admission, but he supposes it’s fitting that he should start by telling someone out of sight, a gray face to a gray face. He plows on, not sure what to finish with.
Seungmin
I mean, I don’t know if I’m gay either.
Yeah.
Hyunjin types for a long time, and even though his response is cool Seungmin can tell it’s probably a forced kind of cool, because Seungmin kind of just dropped that out of nowhere.
Hyunjin
no worries if you haven’t figured it out
if you do go to pride tell me about it !!
ive never been and i really want to
Seungmin
You’re not going?
Hyunjin
no las vegas is too soon
and my parents have this tracker on my phone
its to keep me from getting lost but like…
im nowhere near out irl and im scared?
i guess?
tbh i feel like that too. like i don’t know
if id belong there
Seungmin figures that maybe it’s the name of the parade. Pride . It’s a celebration of self-love, and Seungmin doesn’t hate himself but he doesn’t love himself either, is just confused and in-between and someone who prefers to blend in the background. But most people have problems loving themselves. It isn’t just him.
Seungmin
I could go
And I could take pictures for you
The suggestion feels stupid. Hyunjin can get photos from anywhere.
Hyunjin
!!!
that would be so cool
i mean are you sure though?
i don’t want you to be pressured or anything ;-;
Seungmin
Yeah.
It’s no problem at all.
---
Seungmin
Okay, let’s do it!
Felix
YEAAAAAAAH !!!!!!
The day of Pride is hot and sunny, the air uncomfortably warm even in the morning, which is perfect weather for the lie that Felix and Seungmin have hashed out. The lie is that the two of them are going to go running together on the nearby bike trail, which would require them to start early so they avoid mid-day heat stroke.
In the spirit of the parade, Seungmin wears the most colorful shirt he owns, which is only three shades. There is nothing he can do about his pants. Chan owns some tie-dye but Seungmin doesn’t dare borrow anything. Felix rings the doorbell at seven in the morning, and Seungmin panics because he isn’t good at lying and he doesn’t like it.
It’s his mom that answers, which is at least better than his dad. Seungmin knows his mom isn’t against gay rights, because she’s friends with their lesbian neighbors, aware that they are a couple. Seungmin infers she’d be okay with Felix being gay, but he isn’t sure if Seungmin going to Pride would still be within bounds for her.
It’s one of those unfortunate topics that’s hard to bring up, so he can’t even check.
“Hi, Mrs. Kim,” Felix greets. He looks innocuous, the only rainbow on him the tame one of his shoes, and he’s wearing athletic clothes. Seungmin can see his mom falling. Felix is naturally charismatic, all adults love him. “I’m Felix.”
“Nice to meet you,” she says. “Seungmin has told me about you before.”
“Ah, really?” Felix says. Seungmin slings the strap of his camera bag around his neck.
“You’re going to take photos while running?” his mom asks, and Seungmin feels his blood run cold. He can’t do this. He can’t.
“Oh, the bike trail is really pretty, we were going to post some pictures for Instagram,” Felix says brightly, saving Seungmin from having to respond. “Seungmin’s a really good photographer.”
“He is,” she agrees. “Well, have fun, okay? Seungmin, text me after when you have lunch so I can know you ate. Felix, please come over sometime.”
“Of course,” he says, and Seungmin practically runs out of the house before any questions can be asked. Felix’s car is parked on the side of the street, and the window rolls down.
“Hey, you guys,” Minho says. “Seungmin, I haven’t seen you in a while!”
Seungmin suppresses a sigh. Minho is Felix’s brother and the sour to Felix’s sweet. Seungmin can’t stand him. “He’s really not bad when you get to know him,” Felix says, but Seungmin has no intention to get to know him more than he needs to.
When Felix and Seungmin have hung out at Felix’s house, Minho generally doesn’t bother them, but occasionally he sticks himself into the conversation, and when he does Seungmin feels like the talk becomes some sort of verbal chess that he didn’t sign up for. Seungmin doesn’t like those who play games.
“Hey, Minho,” Seungmin says politely.
Minho cackles. “You don’t look like you’re happy to see me. No worries, I mind my own business.”
“No way my mom was going to let me go to the city by myself,” Felix explains, and yeah, now that Seungmin thinks about it, his mom would probably be more concerned about him going to the city without an adult than she would about him going to this particular parade. “So Minho volunteered.”
“Don’t make it sound like I’m doing it for you,” Minho says to Felix, offended. “This is a once-a-year free pass to flirt, I wouldn’t pass it up.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re allergic to being nice,” Felix says. “We have to move, let’s go. Seungmin, you want shotgun?” Seungmin shakes his head, and Felix opens the back car door and sweeps the junk that’s accumulated on the seat onto the floor, with a bit of an apologetic look for the mess. Seungmin gets in and Felix hops to the front.
“We’ll drive to the station and then we’ll take two trains to Chicago. We might be late but we should be able to make it,” Felix informs him while he struggles with his athletic top to reveal a rainbow shirt underneath it.
“We won't be late, time isn't real,” Minho says. He sticks his key in and the car revs up. Seungmin feels ridiculously sixteen, going on a trip with his friend and his friend’s brother with very half-assed parental permission while said friend fiddles with the aux cord until Coldplay blasts out of the speakers.
“What is with you and Coldplay,” Minho says, but makes no move to change it.
Seungmin, despite technically working at the train station, is unfamiliar with the train routes. Fortunately, Minho and Felix seem to know what they’re doing, so Seungmin just hands over money when he needs to and follows their lead. They have to switch routes midway through from the Metro to the L.
On the L, a lot of the people in the car are wearing rainbow. They make eye contact, and Seungmin feels that unspoken connection between all strangers who are going to the same place for the same or similar reason. The sun is high in the sky when they exit out into Chicago, where it’s crowded and rainbow is bleeding into the streets. Seungmin can hear Born This Way playing from some distant speaker, over the noise which is so loud he can feel it in his eardrums.
Chicago itself is so different from the suburb that Seungmin lives in, with its big-city feel and crowded streets. Seungmin doesn’t fit, but it’s fine, because nobody fits in. He’s one crooked jigsaw piece in a sea of many. He pulls at his camera strap around his neck, the weight familiar. It grounds him to have a manifest purpose.
This is for Hyunjin .
Minho drifts slightly apart from them, and even though it’s only a few feet they have to be careful not to lose him in the crowd.
“Hey,” an unfamiliar voice says. Seungmin turns to look and sees a boy around his age, wearing a snapback and a white t-shirt, a makeshift rainbow bracelet Crayola-markered around his wrist. “I like your shirt. Thank god I’m not the only one not decked out in rainbow.”
“I like your bracelet,” Seungmin says. “Nice improv.”
The boy smiles. “I’m Jisung.”
“Seungmin.”
After he introduces himself he looks over to make sure Felix is in his line of view— Felix is, two people over and talking to someone himself— and then he turns back to Jisung, who says, “This is my first time here. I snuck out.”
“Are you from around here?”
“My apartment is actually really close,” Jisung says. “I wanted to go with my friend but her boss threatened to fire her if she missed another day of work. Where are you from?”
“The suburbs, I came with my friend.” Seungmin jerks his hand over to where Felix is. “I’m just here to take pictures.”
“Understandable. I’m just here to look.” Jisung pulls at the hem of his shirt, a bit nervous. “Oh, shit, it’s starting!”
Seungmin lifts the camera. Everytime he does so he’s reminded of why taking a picture is called taking a shot— the satisfaction of getting a perfect photo rivals hitting bulls-eye. Seungmin tries to think of the camera as a third eye, so looking at the photo will be like looking exactly through Seungmin’s view, seeing what he sees.
His wrists and forearms hurts after awhile from taking so many photos but it’s worth it. Pride is full of good shots, whether it’s from the actual parade or from the sidelines. He gets a photo of one woman proposing to another, the background blurred like the world has just narrowed down to the two of them; he takes a shot of a sea of pride flags held in the air, a cross-stitch of color pooling across the streets; he aims his camera at a girl with rainbow wings, like she’s ready to take flight.
“You getting anything good?” Jisung asks.
Seungmin lowers his camera. “I better, I’m basically watching the entire parade through the camera lens.”
“Can you send them to me, too? I’ll give you my number.”
Jisung says this very fast and Seungmin’s cheeks flame when he realizes what Jisung is trying to do here. “I…”
“No, um, you just seem cool,” Jisung says, stuttering over his words. “And I want to keep talking to you? Yeah.” His voice gets increasingly higher pitched as his sentence continues.
This has really, really never happened to Seungmin before. A cute boy giving him his number. He knows shit like that happens to people but he it doesn’t happen to him. And he should say no, that’s what he would do on the usual day, but the energy from the parade is bleeding into the air and his whole body is singing with a carelessness and confidence he never has.
He takes out his phone and opens it to the contact page, letting Jisung key in his numbers. Jisung’s face is bright red by the end of the exchange, and Seungmin isn’t sure he’s any better. When Seungmin reunites with Felix and Minho to go home, Jisung long having vanished, Seungmin doesn’t say a word.
He would be convinced Jisung isn’t real if not for the new contact.
Minho got a whole score of numbers, but he doesn’t seem too moved by it. Maybe people throwing themselves at him is a common thing. It probably is— Seungmin has to admit Minho is easy on the eyes as long as he doesn’t open his mouth and ruin it.
When Seungmin gets home he feels like evidence of what he did is all over him, but nobody else seems to realize anything. His phone burns a hole in his pocket, and when he takes it out at night he deliberately avoids looking at his contacts list when he opens up his conversation with Hyunjin, sending him the photos he took.
That was the original intention of the whole thing. But Seungmin can’t help but feel like he had no idea what he was getting into at all.
Hyunjin
!!!
thank you so much
youre amazing
Seungmin
No problem
It was really fun
I got offered lots of condoms lol
But I threw them away
Hyunjin
shame those make good balloons
did anybody ask you out?
Seungmin gets this strange feeling like… he’s being disloyal. He can’t figure out why. He can’t shake it off, either. But he tells himself to remember it.
Seungmin
Someone gave me their number
Hyunjin
omg
Seungmin
He seemed fun
I think we could be friends
Idk I’ll see where it goes
Hyunjin
again, omg!!!
i CALLED it though
you’re hella cute
Seungmin
You have no idea what I look like.
Hyunjin
I JUST KNOW OKAY
Later at night he opens up his contacts and stares at the screen. Jisung has saved himself with a little rainbow emoji next to his name. This is the first time anybody has expressed interest like this in Seungmin, maybe that’s why he reacted the way he did. He replays the whole interaction and it makes his chest feel weird.
Seungmin is rational, but he’s also sixteen. He’s sixteen and it makes him kind of crazy.
---
It turns out Jisung is easy to talk to.
He likes rap music and he’s funny as hell, sending over memes and snippets of songs that he’s written. Seungmin likes messaging him, but when he tries to picture going on date with Jisung and holding his hand, he comes up short.
Seungmin is a little disappointed, but mostly relieved. Pride Seungmin was different than Normal Seungmin. Normal Seungmin wouldn’t give away his phone number to a stranger. Normal Seungmin has enough to worry about without romance complicating the equation.
Seungmin
Hey Jisung
I’m sorry
But I don’t think we should go out
Jisung takes a while to respond, but he always takes a while to respond.
Jisung
no reason to be sorry
you can’t force feelings >.<
uhh we can still talk though right
cause i do like talking to you
Seungmin
Yeah, of course.
Jisung
okay just give me a day then!
im gonna eat some ice cream
and then ill be back to normal
Jisung’s honesty surprises him, and Seungmin realizes with surprise that he just rejected someone. He can’t quell the spark of guilt that flashes in his chest, even though he can’t see himself having done anything wrong. He really was trying things out and didn’t want to lead Jisung on when he saw it wasn’t going anywhere.
He wonders if he just isn’t capable of liking people romantically, but he has a feeling that’s not it. He’s spent a lifetime listening to love songs. One day those lyrics are going to be about him.
He wants to say something to Jisung to reassure him but comes up with nothing. Rejecting someone sucks, but it’s got nothing on being rejected. He won’t patronize Jisung by reassuring him that someone’s gonna fall for you one day , even though he’s confident that it will happen.
---
Besides Pride, Felix invites him to hang out in other, less complicated circumstances. Seungmin has to say no a couple of times due to work, but today he finds himself with Felix volunteering at a nearby small farm.
Farm is a loose term— it’s less than an acre and located in someone’s backyard. Sun beats down on Seungmin’s shoulders and the heady scent of tomato plant pervades the air. He thinks Felix looks a little out of it today. “Got you,” Felix says, working his fingers around a pea pod and snapping it off the vine with more force than necessary.
“Something wrong?” Seungmin asks.
“It’s stupid,” Felix mutters. “I just checked my phone and the guy I was talking to at Pride still hasn’t responded.”
“He had the nerve to do that to you?” Seungmin asks incredulously. Nobody has the right to go breaking Felix’s heart. “Tell me his address, I’ll castrate him.”
“No! No castrating,” Felix says, and Seungmin says nothing, simply snapping off a pea pod with an air that suggests he could snap off other things if need be. “He’s nice and I kinda like him… whatever. It isn’t like I have time to worry about some guy anyway. I haven’t started college apps, have you?”
The words are an unpleasant reminder that this is the summer before senior year. “No.”
Felix gets to the end of the row of peas and plunges his hand into the thick grass surrounding the vines, searching for any pods he missed. Seungmin spots a couple hanging to his left and snaps them off, dumping them in the container.
“And besides, I saw you talking to someone at Pride, too,” Felix says. “Don’t think I didn’t notice that.”
“Yeah, he gave me my number and now we’re friends.”
Seungmin omits the part about the rejection, and the part where he was going to try it out. It isn’t like Seungmin has much time to worry about guys, either, even if he isn’t as busy as Felix is.
“I hate to ask this,” Felix says. “But does he know that you’re just friends?”
“Yeah.” Seungmin doesn’t look at Felix. “I think I could have liked him. I just didn’t.”
“What, is there somebody else you do like?” Felix asks, and Seungmin is so taken aback by this question that he has to pause for a whole second. What a strange thing to ask.
“No, no,” Seungmin denies. “There isn’t.”
Felix is the kind of person who always knows what to say, and in this case he doesn’t say anything at all, and Seungmin is grateful. Since they’re finished with the peas they sit along the raised-garden beds. Felix pulls weeds, picking fights with the thistles that have their roots stubbornly lodged in the dirt, and Seungmin trims tomato plants, mulling Felix’s words over under the hot midday sun.
---
Hyunjin
Seungmin!!
do you have time to call?
Seungmin
Is anything wrong?
Hyunjin
not really I just wanna talk to you
i’m at las vegas and idk anybody
is that okay?
Instead of answering, Seungmin hits the call button. Hyunjin picks up after two rings.
“Hi,” Hyunjin says. “
“Hey.”
“My roommate’s wearing these big-ass headphones so I shouldn’t be bothering him,” Hyunjin says. “I guess I should be glad I’m dorming with someone who likes psychedelic trance.”
It’s strange, but Seungmin likes hearing Hyunjin’s voice. “I didn’t expect you to be someone who likes calling,” Seungmin comments.
“What, because I’m so stereotypically gen-z?” It’s phrased as a joke but they both know there’s an element of truth to Hyunjin’s words. “You’re kind of right. Texting is easier, but I like calling more.”
Seungmin fits that into the picture he has of Hyunjin in his head. Seungmin can tell Hyunjin is a romantic, the kind of person who wants to make meaningful connections, but will take what he can get. That’s why I talk to so many people on Twitter , Hyunjin says. But the first conversation is usually the best, and then it sputters out .
“My friend Felix is like that. He texts, but he’s always wanting to talk face-to-face.” Honestly, Seungmin takes Felix for granted— there aren’t many people who take such initiative in friendships, but Felix is one of them. “How’s Las Vegas?”
“Oh, you know. Already made a million dollars in the casinos,” Hyunjin deadpans. “I found I’m particularly excellent at poker and roulette.”
“Do you even know how to play poker?”
“I know it involves cards.” Seungmin laughs. “Las Vegas is really hot. Makes sense, since we’re out in a desert, but I constantly feel sticky.”
“Sorry.”
“Eh. The city’s cool enough to make up for it. Obviously I’m here for an internship so I’m not out exploring, but the place kind of feels like the setting for a sci-fi book since Las Vegas is almost entirely man-made.”
Seungmin gets this vivid image in his mind’s eye of a sillouhette of Hyunjin, standing on an artificial floating island, staring up at the night sky. It’s so magical it takes his breath away. “Are you outside right now?”
“Yeah, I just got back from the pool. It was a crazy large pool. I felt like I was practicing swimming in a lake.”
“Which is funny, since you’re in a desert.”
“See? I told you it was sci-fi.” Hyunjin’s voice gets slightly distant before returning back to normal.
“Do you like swimming?”
“As a past time? Absolutely. Competitively? I deal with that.” Hyunjin sighs. “I’m probably not swimming the way Coach wants me to, but the internship tires me out and I don’t really have time to train.”
“Tell me about the internship.”
“Lots of paperwork and filing. The company puts me on grunt work,” Hyunjin says. “Which I actually don’t mind, I kind of like paperwork. It’s just the atmosphere in the company that gets me. It’s so cutthroat.”
“I get why that would be tiring.” Seungmin was in debate and math team freshman year and it was cutthroat. Hyunjin’s scenario is probably ten times worse, given that it’s a law firm and Hyunjin had to compete for the internship in the first place. “Don’t let anybody psych you out. You’re competent.”
“Thanks. This is probably what it’s going to be like constantly as an adult, anyway,” Hyunjin grimaces. “I think I can pull off the actual law part of being a lawyer, given that my superpower is bullshit, but the cutthroat and thick-skinned part, I’m not sure.”
Hyunjin told him about crying over a dog video yesterday. Seungmin can see why this is a concern.
“You want to be a lawyer?” Seungmin asks.
“Ah… I don’t think I want to be a lawyer for the sake of being a lawyer, but because I think I could use that position to fight for good causes, if that makes sense?” Hyunjin says.
“It does.”
“My parents are really happy about this internship,” Hyunjin says, and here he sounds exhausted. “They think it’ll get me into Harvard. Please, there are so many people more eligible than me for Harvard.”
“Do you want to go to Harvard?”
“Doesn’t everybody?”
That’s a strange question. Seungmin doesn’t want to go to Harvard, and not just because of his miniscule chances of getting in. “I don’t,” Seungmin says finally. “But you should have faith in yourself. Who will they take if not you?”
“Let’s not have that discussion because we’ll be here all day,” Hyunjin says. “Have you ever watched Legally Blonde , Seungmin? I watched it when I was in middle school and thought that was what Harvard law school would actually be like.”
“I haven’t watched it.”
“You should. Reese Witherspoon is amazing,” Hyunjin says. “But yeah, good movie. Actual law is dry as dust. Managing to make it about pink suits and gay alibis takes some serious Hollywood magic.”
“Oh. Where can I see it?”
“It’s really old, I’m sure you’ll be able to find it for free,” Hyunjin says dismissively. “Anyway, I gotta go now. I’ll see you.”
“See you.”
---
Hyunjin hadn’t sounded sad, exactly, but resigned.
Seungmin thinks about their conversation as he takes orders at the Coffee Stop. Harvard. Even when Seungmin was younger he knew what Harvard was even when so many other universities just sounded like strings of letters to him.
He can imagine Hyunjin at Harvard. It’s a little funny because Hyunjin as of now is two thousand miles to the west, but if he goes to Harvard he’ll overshoot Seungmin by one thousand miles east.
The door opens and Jeongin walks in, a textbook under his arm.
“Hey,” Seungmin says cheerfully. Jeongin sets his textbook down on a table so carelessly one would think that he wants someone to steal it (which Seungmin knows Jeongin secretly hopes for) and orders a smoothie.
“Do I get any discounts?” Jeongin asks. “Since I know you and all?”
“Since I know you and you’re you , you’re stuck with paying full price,” Seungmin says.
Jeongin sighs. “What’s the point of you working here, then?”
“I guess there isn’t.” Seungmin gestures at the textbook. “What’s the kind of torture this time?”
“Still SAT Practice,” Jeongin grumbles. “One day my parents will accept that I’m just not good at standardized testing, but today isn’t that day.”
Despite Seungmin’s words he punches in a discount, and Jeongin sits down at a table to work. Jeongin never talks about college, which makes him a comfortable friend to be around, and he doesn’t stress about the SAT because to him, it’s more a test he’s being forced to take than a stepping stone toward university.
It’s a carefree mindset that Seungmin wishes he could have, but talk of college has cropped up a couple of times now, like a drizzle that Seungmin knows will soon turn into a downpour. The future is a shadow that looms in the distance, getting closer by the day.
Seungmin is expected to go to university. But their family is middle-class, and university is ridiculously expensive, so Seungmin is working to try and ease the burden a bit. Back when Chan was applying, he got into a couple of elite schools, but eventually settled at UIUC, their state flagship school, since they gave him a scholarship the size of Jupiter.
Seungmin is not about to get any planet-sized scholarship, but the in-state tuition still makes the cost a bit more bearable than going other places. He just has to get in.
Felix wants to go to school in New York or California, the dream to get out of the midwest so strong it might overpower reality, but Seungmin has never hated the place he lives. He lives in the ring around Chicago, so not in the somewhere , but close, right between nowhere and somewhere.
He wants to ask Felix— is it really so bad, to stay?
The afternoon sun strikes the glass and Seungmin shades his eyes. The doors open, people spilling out of the train. Lately Seungmin has this crazy urge to scan all the faces on the platform. Like one of them might have taken the train from San Francisco and traveled all the way here. What a stupid thought...
Seungmin doesn’t even know what Hyunjin looks like, but he has the illogical feeling that he could still recognize Hyunjin in a crowd. He feels like he would just know .
---
Hyunjin
i was in the lobby
and this guy in maybe his twenties
tells the person next to him
‘oh it’s another chinese kid
looking to beef up their college application’
he looked right at me as he said it
Seungmin
What the fuck?
Are you okay?
Hyunjin
goddammit
i hate this place
do you have time tonight?
can you call?
Seungmin
What time?
Hyunjin
your ten o’clock ?
Seungmin
Sure
The phone rings exactly at ten. Seungmin’s just finished taking a shower and is drying his hair. He picks up, and they do their regular routine of saying hi to make sure both ends of the line are working. Apparently Hyunjin is hiding in a stairwell to talk to him. Seungmin isn’t even going to question it.
“I know I sounded upset over text today but I’m fine now,” Hyunjin says. “It’s 2018 and that shit shouldn’t happen but it does.”
“Doesn’t justify it.”
“No. It doesn’t.”
Seungmin’s been on the receiving end of racism a couple of times, too. He doesn’t remember the incidents unless they’re really outrageous, but he knows there have been times where comments have stung him like paper cuts.
He’s learned to deal with it. Felix once admitted that he felt like a banana because he didn’t know Korean and was really Americanized. Seungmin personally checks off the boxes of some stereotypes but not others, and he’s accepted a long time ago that some people will think he’s too Asian while others will think he isn’t Asian enough. He can’t make everybody happy so he might as well just be himself.
“Whatever, I don’t wanna talk about it,” Hyunjin says. “I’m sorry, you’re probably really tired of dealing with my shit. I swear usually I’m more fun to talk to.”
“You’re fine. I always like talking to you.” Seungmin actually appreciates that Hyunjin is willing to be real around him, even if Hyunjin seems to be doing it on accident. “What do you wanna talk about, then?”
Hyunjin hums. Seungmin flops down on his bed.
“How’d things go with the guy you met at Pride?” Hyunjin asks.
“It went nowhere. Well, that’s not true. We’re friends now and we text sometimes, he’s really funny. I didn’t want to lead him on when I didn’t feel anything for him.”
There’s an explosion of static on the other end so Seungmin only hears the tail end of Hyunjin’s words. “That’s good. If someone didn’t like me, I’d rather they not lead me on.”
“Did the guy you like lead you on?”
“No, he didn’t. He always made it really clear we were friends— he was good about that— I was just dumb,” Hyunjin says. “I fall for people too easily. I don’t think I like him anymore, though. He texted me yesterday and I didn’t feel bad about it.”
“I know I’m biased,” Seungmin says. “But I think he was stupid not to like you back.”
“I appreciate that. I really do. But, I mean, now that I think about it, it was good he didn’t like me back. I mean, I sort of hero-worshipped him and I was so nervous around him that we couldn’t really hold a conversation.”
“That’s a shame, you’re fun to talk to when you’re not nervous.”
“Yeah, I was thinking next time I like someone I should like someone I could talk to,” Hyunjin says. “What about you, Seungmin? What kind of people do you like?”
Seungmin hums. “I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about it. I’m the exact opposite of you, I’ve never really liked anyone at all.”
“I wish I was like that. Maybe I’d make a fool of myself less.” Hyunjin’s voice fades like he’s far away from the phone. “Next year I’m going to stop liking people and live through rom-coms. Other people’s love stories are always better than my own.”
Seungmin grins. “You’re just going to stop liking people. Why don’t I believe you.”
“I am so hurt ,” Hyunjin says. “I will let you know that I can shut my feelings off at any time. On-off switch. I will make my decisions using the most logical, rational criteria from now on—”
“You’re going to shut off your feelings but you started your sentence off with I am so hurt .”
“I am making the logical, rational decision to be hurt because you’re just so mean,” Hyunjin says, and laughs, a carefree sound that makes the phone crackle. “Nah, I’m kidding. I think you might be one of the nicest people I’ve met.”
“I don’t think I’m nice.”
“Nice people never think they’re nice,” Hyunjin says dismissively. “Anyway, I have to go now, I’ll see you.”
“Yeah, I should go, too, I need to sleep,” Seungmin says. “Since I have a sleep schedule. Unlike someone else I know.”
“I take the nice thing back. You’re mean,” Hyunjin says, with no bite whatsoever. “Night, Seungmin. Oh shit, someone’s coming, I really gotta blast—”
“Bye,” Seungmin says, and he hears the beep as Hyunjin ends the call.
He brushes his teeth and changes into pajamas, pulling the covers over himself. He’s glad that Hyunjin’s over his unrequited crush. Hyunjin might be okay with not being liked back, but Seungmin’s bitter. Somebody really had Hyunjin’s heart and decided they didn’t want it? Stupid. One day someone’s going to fall so hard for Hyunjin, they won’t know it until the wind’s already been knocked out of them with no hope of getting back up.
The thought is so vehement that it makes Seungmin uncomfortable. He rolls over so that his face is suffocated in the pillow, and tries to sleep.
---
HJ @hyunfortunately 2h
me: i will never like anyone ever again
cute person: *is cute*
me: okay so hear me out —
“You wanna go to the park and play basketball?” Chan asks.
Seungmin acquises, and the two of them put on their shoes and head out. Seungmin’s shoes are falling apart. He can’t remember when he bought them. At some point they’re going to have to be held together by duct tape.
Seungmin hasn’t seen much of Chan this summer. Their schedules don’t overlap— Chan’s been busy shuttling back and forth for his research project, and Seungmin has occupied his time with work. Most of the time, Seungmin has their room to himself. Chan really is knee-deep into the adult world now, Seungmin thinks wryly.
The park near Jeongin’s apartment is a lot better than the one near their house. This park is a sad thing, a pool of woodchips with two slides and a single basketball hoop on a little island of pavement. Chan dribbles the basketball with all the skill of someone blessed with natural athleticism.
“What should be my handicap?” Chan asks.
“Only seventy-five percent of your shots count.” Seungmin hates when people let him win, but this only applies to people who he has some chance against.
“Alright. Loser buys popsicles from the convenience store.”
It’s not really basketball— it’s more a game of getting in each other’s faces, chasing after the ball when it skitters off, and screaming each time a hoop is scored. Chan loses with the handicap, and Seungmin unwraps his grape popsicle and sticks it in his mouth.
Chan looks at him in disgust over his own blue raspberry. “Why do you like grape? It tastes like cough medicine.”
“Blue raspberry isn’t even an actual fruit so you have no room to talk, we’ve been over this.”
“Blue raspberry was engineered specifically for the purpose of being the best artificial flavor, we have been over this,” Chan says. “And second, I paid for your popsicle, so I think it’s actually you who has no room to talk.”
“Shouldn’t have accepted my handicap, then.”
“You’re right. You being taller is enough.”
Seungmin hums, crossing his legs against the curb. A bug is crawling over his leg and he flicks it away. “What have you been doing over the summer?” Chan asks. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in awhile.”
“That’s your fault, not mine, I don’t even see you most nights,” Seungmin protests. “And I haven’t been doing much. You know me.”
Seungmin hasn’t told Chan about Hyunjin, even though Seungmin knows that Chan wouldn’t judge. Seungmin can’t explain it, just that Hyunjin is… well, Seungmin doesn’t want to ruin their friendship for anything. He doesn’t know.
“Dad was asking me to take you to UIUC for a college visit,” Chan says, and Seungmin grimaces around the last sweet ice of the popsicle. Most of the people he knows have gone for college visits already. “I think you have to sign up.”
“Okay,” Seungmin says, crumpling up the wrapper. “I’ll do that.” And he will. Once he says he’ll do something, he does it, he’s reliable like that.
“He specifically wants you to check out the computer engineering program,” Chan says, and Seungmin sighs, although he tries to hold it in. “But if you don’t want to do that part, don’t, I won’t tell him.”
“I mean, I guess I should, right?” Seungmin mumbles. “See what I’m getting myself into.”
Computer engineering.
So— one of the genuinely annoying things about high school is the contradictory messages it sends. The teachers and counselors say it’s okay to be confused and to take time to figure it out, but way more powerful than those words is the unspoken pressure to figure it out! Figure it out!
It’s a nightmare.
Seungmin doesn’t know what to do in life, and when he was an underclassman, that was okay, but he feels the impatience now. His dad wants him to be an engineer and he’s running out of viable excuses to say no.
Computer engineering’s a hot field, and since Seungmin is shit at building stuff that’s what he’s being pushed toward. Computer engineering is okay; he took a class on it one time and coded a tic-tac-toe board for the last project. But he never switched his computer to dark mode or did a hack-a-thon or made anything he wasn’t required to. He never thought this is what he wanted to do his whole life.
“Did you know there isn’t even actual hacking in a hack-a-thon?” Seungmin blurts out. “That’s false advertising.”
“Seriously, Seungmin, if you don’t want to do computer engineering you should say so.”
“It’s okay, I probably won’t get in for UIUC’s computer engineering anyway,” Seungmin reasons. “Isn’t it like, hilariously competitive? Even more competitive than electrical?”
“It’s not easy but it’s really not impossible, and you’re a good student,” Chan says. “But that isn’t the point.”
“What is the point, then? I just— I don’t hate it, okay?” he says sort of helplessly. “It’s fine, I’ll go there and check it out.” Seungmin can feel Chan looking at him and he hates the look. Seungmin’s mature for his age, he doesn’t want to be looked at like someone to be pitied or to be taken care of.
His dad doesn’t disapprove of Seungmin, but he’s never understood Seungmin’s love of music and photography. Seungmin thinks his dad is a little afraid that Seungmin will ask to major in photography. Seungmin’s not going to do that— he likes photography too much as a hobby to ever make it his job— but maybe it’s the concept that sets his dad off.
That Seungmin would rather observe the world rather than manipulate it.
Seungmin should sign up for the program overview, though, maybe as a silent token of apology for having this entire double life. He wonders when he started having so many secrets: Hyunjin, Pride, Jisung. It’s not the secrets themselves, but that Seungmin feels like he’s different than before because of them.
He isn’t afraid enough to try and revert back to the exact way he was before, though.
---
On Wednesday Chan and Seungmin head to UIUC to check it out. Seungmin’s never seen it before and it looks different than he expected, although he isn’t sure why. Chan parks and Seungmin looks out the window, at all the buildings on campus. “Do you want food?” Chan says.
“Yeah, let’s get food,” Seungmin says.
They go over to a cluster of restaurants and get burgers and fries, staple lunch fair when out and about, and Chan keeps pointing out places and naming them like some sort of unofficial tour guide. Seungmin is mildly amused, but he supposes it is Chan’s turf.
“The campus is sort of ugly but it functions well,” Chan says.
“Really? I think it looks okay,” Seungmin says. Felix has visited some out-of-state colleges and has named a few campuses that were really pretty, but Seungmin doesn’t see the importance of that. There’s a building under construction here which is sort of annoying but otherwise he sees nothing wrong with the layout.
“You signed up for the engineering overview first, right,” Chan says, and Seungmin sighs.
“Yeah. Where is it?”
Chan pulls him over to the engineering building and Seungmin meets with an advisor who hands him a truly astounding amount of flyers that Seungmin meekly shoves into his bag. The comp sci track sounds appropriately cutthroat and difficult and the whole thing rather tires him out.
Chan is waiting outside playing rip-off Flappy Bird on his phone, and when he sees the look on Seungmin’s face, he asks, “Do you want me to buy you more food?”
“If you think my problems can be cured that easily,” Seungmin says dryly. “Well, I’ve got nothing to say. You are correct.”
“Have you ever had bubble tea?” Chan asks, and Seungmin thinks of all of Hyunjin’s love letters to bubble tea and smiles a bit to himself.
“No, I haven’t.”
“There’s so much bubble tea on this campus, I swear to god, so you better try some.”
Seungmin gets a strawberry bubble tea with lychee jelly and takes a sip. He can’t wait to tell Hyunjin his thoughts on it. He carries his bubble tea to orientation, which is boring and involves a lot of statistics, and mostly watches the two ladies up front who are translating the whole thing real-time into sign language. Eventually the crowd is divided into groups to go on the tour and Seungmin files out with the rest of them.
The tour guide is saying stuff but Seungmin is more preoccupied with looking than listening. The campus is so different from his high school— it’s like a small town, with its buildings and dormitories and wide-open quad. Seungmin didn’t bring his camera but he takes several pictures on his phone.
The more he walks he thinks he understands it, the unexpectedness.
It might sound strange but Seungmin never really thought about what a campus would look like. To him college was always painted as a finish, an ending. Subconsciously, he imagined it looking like a certificate or a giant ribbon.
Turning sixteen made him feel old, but now he realizes it isn’t old at all. He still has a lot of time left, so much life left to live. There’s a lot more to the world than just high school.
He imagines himself in the pictures he takes: walking around campus, going to the research lab, staying up late studying with his roommate, and it makes him feel like in a year he’ll be poised at another start line, ready to run. It’s just a little confusing as to in what direction it will be. The comp sci flyers weigh heavy in his bag, and he sighs.
---
HJ @hyunfortunately 3h
going [airplane emoji] home !! god bless
Seungmin
I’ll have you know I tried bubble tea for the first time today
Hyunjin
!!!!!
YOOOOOO
how was it???
Seungmin
Pretty good
Not sure why you’re obsessed
But it’s pretty good
Hyunjin
you escaped the addiction bc it’s your first time
a couple more times and you’ll be as bad as me
shit’s like drugs
Seungmin
Lol
No I don’t think I’ll have it very often
My brother bought it for me when we were visiting his uni
Hyunjin
oh?
which uni?
Seungmin
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Hyunjin
NO WAY
well actually idk what i expected you live in illinois
but my friend changbin is going there!!
not sure if i told you about him but he’s insufferable
Seungmin
Is this the same friend who mistranslated bubble tea as boob tea?
Hyunjin
?? how do you remember that?
but yes he’s going for there comp sci + music program
i’ll tell him to say hi to you ~
Seungmin
Yeah i’ll pass
HJ @hyunfortunately 2h
my friend has no brain to mouth filter and that’s why he raps so well PERIOD
---
Hyunjin
seungmin do you have an english name
Seungmin
Hmm
Sort of, but not really?
Hyunjin
wtf what does that mean
Seungmin
Well I asked my mom once
She said if I had one it would be Sky
But it isn’t official
Hyunjin
that’s pretty though it fits you
Seungmin
You think everything fits me
Hyunjin
well IM NOT WRONG
Seungmin
Do you have an English name?
Hyunjin
~ yes i do it is sam
i went by it when i was younger
but in third grade there were 3 sams in the class
a surplus of sams
Seungmin
I think we had this issue but with David
Hyunjin
yeah so it was kinda confusing
so i was like “guys it’s ok! i have another name”
“it’s hyunjin you can call me that for the year”
and then it stuck way past the year
Seungmin
LOL
Hyunjin
right it was so innocent
do you have any stories like that
Seungmin
Uh
When I was younger I would announce the place I was in
Like Seungmin in the __
So if I was in a building
I would be like, Seungmin in the building!
Hyunjin
omg
SEUNGMIN IN THE BUILDING !!
---
It’s the beginning of August when Hyunjin offers to show his face. He’s back in Cali so their text conversations are significantly less disjointed than when Hyunjin was running around in his internship.
Seungmin has to admit that he’s curious. He’d never pry, but it’s a natural instinct to want to put a face to the person he is talking to, considering that is usually the first piece of information one learns about someone. But that’s the funny thing, that they’ve done things so far in whatever order they wanted. Only recently has Seungmin given his first name away.
Hyunjin
seungmin do you want to see what i look like?
Seungmin
How are you sure I’m not dangerous?
I could be fifty
Hyunjin
honestly with the way you type you could be
but i don’t think you are
if this is part of some big plan to get me
i gotta say, it’s been five months
you’re rather inefficient
Seungmin can’t argue with Hyunjin’s logic there.
Seungmin
I mean…I guess I am curious?
Hyunjin
so am i tbh
but if i send a photo you don’t have to send one back
honestly i think you’re the careful one out of the two of us
Seungmin
How so?
Hyunjin
alright maybe i’m overly trusting
but like if it was just a privacy thing i would have sent a pic a long time ago
it’s just i’m kind of weird about my face
people tend to like me solely for my looks and it’s annoying
That’s an unexpected piece of information. Whenever Seungmin pictured Hyunjin, he figured that Hyunjin looked good, simply because people with good personalities tend to be more attractive to him. But Seungmin does live in a society where looks matter. He understands why Hyunjin would withhold the picture.
Seungmin
That IS annoying
I’m average looking so I’ve never had that issue
But I wish people could see past faces in general
It’s just packaging
Hyunjin
yeah humans are the worst
Seungmin
I mean if you sent me a picture
I’d send one back. It’s fair that way.
Hyunjin
okay let’s do it on three
[picture]
Seungmin
[picture]
Seungmin opens up the picture and looks.
Hyunjin is right, he is conventionally attractive. But after a while Seungmin realizes that he wouldn’t have focused on this had Hyunjin not brought it up himself. It’s more of an oh sensation, putting a face to the name and voice. That this is who he has been talking to. He thinks it would have made Hyunjin beautiful no matter what.
Not beautiful as in good-looking. Beautiful just in the way people are when you get to know them.
Hyunjin
!!!!
I WAS RIGHT
Seungmin
What?
Hyunjin
you ARE cute !
Seungmin is so startled he laughs out loud.
Seungmin
Hyunjin WHAT
I am not cute
Hyunjin
oh hell no you totally are
100 % scientific consensus
seungmin is cute
Seungmin
… Thank you?
Hyunjin
you’re welcome !
Seungmin can’t get the conversation out of his face. It isn’t Hyunjin’s face— he’s handsome but Seungmin has met plenty of handsome people in his life. It’s his words. That ever so natural you ARE cute . He wonders if Hyunjin just goes around saying that shit to random people.
It isn’t good of Hyunjin to flirt like that. Seungmin might take it the wrong way.
Notes:
wow i wonder who hyunjin was tweeting about?
Chapter Text
Since Seungmin and Hyunjin have now seen each other’s faces and Hyunjin’s back home, they agree to try out FaceTiming rather than just calling.
FaceTiming Hyunjin is strange. Before, Hyunjin was a persona somewhere on the West Coast. Now there’s the square of background, and Seungmin’s privy to a small glimpse of the world Hyunjin inhabits, even if the lighting is terrible and everything is pixelated. It takes a while for Seungmin to get the audio on his end but once he does it’s fine.
“Hey,” Seungmin says. Hyunjin starts laughing, eyes crinkled up. “What?”
“I don’t know, I’m just nervous,” Hyunjin says. Seungmin doesn’t show it but he’s kind of breathless as well, and looks at his door to make sure it’s shut.
“I’m in my room right now,” Hyunjin says. He pans the screen around to a half-unpacked suitcase. “I should probably start the laundry but I don’t really feel like it.”
Hyunjin’s room is a comfortable sort of messy. There are papers strewn all over his desk, some socks on the floor. His bed is unmade. There’s a little stuffed eggplant next to the pillow, and Hyunjin holds it up to the camera. “For the record, I hate eggplants. People who think eggplant emojis are sexy clearly have never had to eat the actual thing.”
Seungmin laughs. “Why do you have that, then?”
“My friend that’s an asshole gave it to me for my birthday.”
“Changbin?”
“The one and only,” Hyunjin says. “Ah, we’ve known each other since forever. I’m kind of stuck with him.”
“Same with my best friend,” Seungmin says. “We don’t go to the same school anymore. The district drew lines so that the kids that went to the same middle school funnel to two different high schools, even though I can walk to his house.”
“That’s so stupid. I declare that illegal as, um” — Hyunjin searches for a word to throw out — “gerrymandering. I guess it’ll be weird next year when Changbin leaves, but I’m sure he’ll find a way to piss me off even two thousand miles away.”
There’s some barking noises off-screen and Hyunjin laughs delightedly. “It’s Kkami,” he says. The cam flips over to Hyunjin’s hand petting his dog. “Kkami, this is Seungmin! Say hi!”
Kkami looks somewhere to the left of the screen and woofs.
“Sorry. Guess dogs haven’t yet mastered video-calling yet,” Hyunjin says, and the cam rights itself. “I love my dog. Maybe I should make her my new best friend. She’d never give me a stuffed eggplant for my birthday or mistranslate bubble tea.”
“Does Kkami understand Spanish?”
“No, but she’s bilingual, with all the Konglish that flies around our household,” Hyunjin says. “You guys speak Korean at home?”
“We use Konglish too.”
They talk for a while and Seungmin feels like he could exist forever wrapped in the digital thread that connects them, but eventually a voice on Hyunjin’s end calls his name and Hyunjin jumps. “HYUNJIN! YOU FORGOT TO DO THE DISHES!”
“Sorry, that’s my mom,” Hyunjin says. “And I guess I gotta do the dishes now. I’ll see you.”
“See you,” Seungmin says. Hyunjin waves and the screen goes dark. Seungmin looks at his phone, suddenly aware that he’s alone. His stomach feels funny. It doesn’t hurt, but he feels like he just stepped off a rollercoaster.
---
HJ @hyunfortunately 3h
the only thing worse than being an infp is being an infp-t. on an unrelated note, take a wild guess what my mbti is
HJ @hyunfortunately 3h
what is mbti is it like bdsm— yes absolutely curiouscat.me/post/
HJ @hyunfortunately 3h
don’t say that i love infps :(— do you know how much it sucks to be told i am scientifically a pisces? curiouscat.me/post/
Seungmin has been trying his best to ignore his feelings but it’s difficult.
The more he tries not to think about it, the more he does. He wishes there were other explanations for the warmth in his chest, the way his head spins when he thinks about holding Hyunjin’s hand. Not that he could hold Hyunjin’s hand even if he wanted to. But the imagination is a funny thing, because he thinks about it anyway.
Hyunjin
yooo so!
i was up at twelve last night
Seungmin
Why are you telling me this
Twelve is afternoon for you
Seungmin tells himself not to be this excited about the sight of three bubbles dancing. It’s just one of their mundane conversations.
Hyunjin
i was recording !!
it took me like twenty tries
anyway im not v good at the piano but you said you liked this song
[mp3 file]
Seungmin sticks his earbuds in and listens. And oh, he recognizes the song after a couple notes. Hyunjin is playing Better Better on the piano. It isn’t professional by any means but it’s enough for Seungmin to be done for.
He loves music. He loves people who can make music. That somebody would ever make music for him and take account of what he likes to listen to is like a dream. It’s a KO. He can’t recover from that.
Seungmin
Thank you
It’s amazing
And I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re a good pianist
Hyunjin
haha sure
and no problem it was fun!!
i ate some ramen afterward
ramen + music = good life
Seungmin
Ramen + egg + music = good life, for me
Hyunjin
?? why would you ruin ramen with eggs?
Seungmin
You like pineapple on pizza
You’re in no shape to judge my taste.
Hyunjin
you just don’t recognize genius when you see it
pineapple + pizza = god’s menu
but i GUESS i could stand ramen with egg if i got to eat it with you
Seungmin swallows and reminds himself this is all in the inventory of ‘Shit Hyunjin says.’ He’s just being nice, and Seungmin would eat terrible food combinations, like pineapple on pizza, if it meant he got to eat it with Hyunjin too.
As if sensing Seungmin’s unease, Hyunjin quickly adds to his text.
Hyunjin
green onion topping is where i draw the line though
im not eating that with ANYONE
---
The thing is there is no way this can happen.
Seungmin can’t like Hyunjin when they haven’t met and can’t meet. How would dates even work? They would have to set up a webcam, and then they would have to start a movie at the exact same time, and they would have to— no, Seungmin can’t be thinking about the logistics of going on a date with Hyunjin.
They’re both going into senior year. It would be so cruel to start something just as everything was ending, to start something with a clear expiration date stamped on it. That might be the worst decision he could ever make.
Seungmin spends a week trying to convince himself he feels nothing but platonic affection, and it’s as useful as trying to stuff the Willis Tower into a suitcase. Eventually, his subconscious, exasperated, proves him wrong by presenting him a dream about Hyunjin that makes him peel himself off the mattress at five in the morning to take a cold shower.
He shivers under the spray and thinks wryly he would have to admit it to himself eventually. Seungmin’s never been someone to run from his feelings, even ones as inconvenient as these, and he’s almost glad to face it. If he denied it any more it would be cowardly and stupid. It isn’t great that the first time he falls for someone, it’s for someone literally out of reach— it’s like jumping into a new game at the hardest level right off the bat. But there’s nothing left to do but to accept it.
It’s five in the morning when he makes room in his stomach for a coil of longing, sets aside a space in his heart for his wish for Hyunjin to reside. He wants to tell Hyunjin that it’s impressive that Hyunjin got someone to like him from two thousand miles away.
Or maybe Seungmin’s just weak.
---
After the initial discomfort where Seungmin doesn’t talk to Hyunjin for a day, things revert back to normal, Seungmin accommodating to the crush. He’s eating an apple and reading a book in the living room when Chan and Minho walk in, both with laptops under their arms. Seungmin frowns. What is Minho doing here?
“Hey,” Chan says. “Minho, this is Seungmin, my brother. Seungmin, this is Minho.”
“We know each other,” Seungmin interjects. “How do you you guys know each other?”
“He’s in my year at UIUC,” Chan says. “I ran into him today and figured we could work together, since I have research and Minho’s got some problem sets for summer classes. He’s a physics major.”
“You’re a physics major?” Seungmin asks Minho in disbelief.
“What did you think I would major in?” Minho asks, and Seungmin really has no response to that. Minho really is just a normal person like the rest of them. “I’m good at physics, I saved Chan’s ass in Mechanics last year.”
“He really did,” Chan agrees generously. “I didn’t know you guys were close.”
“We are not close,” Seungmin says. Minho looks at him with a mock-hurt expression, head turned so that Chan can’t see. “We just know each other.”
“It’s a small world,” Chan comments.
Minho says, “My brother Felix is friends with Seungmin, and we all went to Orchard. Figures we might all run into each other at some point.”
Since Chan and Minho know each other than Seungmin and Minho, Seungmin returns to reading while Minho and Chan set up camp, their conversation dissolving into STEM jargon that Seungmin tunes out. He and Chan have a truce where Chan doesn’t ask Seungmin to leave the room when his friends are over if Seungmin doesn’t intrude into their conversations, and Seungmin adapts this rule to the situation accordingly.
Minho’s phone goes off with a series of notifications and Chan groans. “Minho, is that Grindr?”
“I thought I deleted it, hold up, I’m uninstalling it right now,” Minho says.
Seungmin lowers his book. “Grindr?”
Minho says, “I downloaded it for kicks. Like all dating apps it’s kind of useless.” He smirks at Seungmin. “You ever tried any dating apps?”
“Um, no,” Seungmin says, mouth dry. Unless you consider Twitter. He mentally slaps himself for the thought.
“Well, you could try Grindr out, it’s pretty fun,” Minho says, and Chan furrows a brow, confused as to why Minho is recommending his brother a gay dating app. Seungmin’s mouth goes dry. “Although I don’t think you need it, what with”— Seungmin braces himself — “all the other apps you could use for trolling.”
Trolling.
Seungmin looks at Minho and the other has an impassive expression on his face, but Seungmin has a feeling that Minho checked himself from saying what he was originally going to say.
Chan doesn’t notice anything amiss. “Not everyone is into chaos like you, Minho,” he scoffs, and Seungmin breathes a sigh of relief. “Anyway, let’s call a break, my mind got messed up somewhere between Seungmin and dating apps .” Chan slams his laptop closed. “I’m gonna go get food from the convenience store. Seungmin, you want pizza as well?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll get three slices, then.” Chan puts on his shoes and heads out, the door closing behind him.
“Shit,” Minho says. “I wasn’t careful, did I say something I shouldn’t have?”
“You’re fine,” Seungmin says, weirded out that Minho is apologizing.
“How much does Chan know?”
“I didn’t tell him I went to Pride,” Seungmin says. “He doesn’t really know anything because I’m still figuring it out as well.”
It’s weird. Talking to Minho without Chan in the room. Seungmin really never foresaw any of this coming but he supposes that he might as well experience some heart-attack inducing situations while he’s still in high school. It wouldn’t be fair if it was all smooth sailing, although it would be nice.
“I’m sure you know better than I do that he won’t judge, but obviously it’s your call,” Minho says. He smirks. “Anyway, it’s interesting you keep secrets. Makes you seem like less of a nerd.”
Seungmin crosses his arms. “You think I haven’t heard that one before?” he says. “Save your opinions for someone who cares.”
“Wow,” Minho says. “You’re so nice when you talk to Felix, where is that now?”
“Because Felix is nice, there isn’t any reason I wouldn’t be nice to him as well,” Seungmin retorts, but it doesn’t have much bite to it.
“So are you gonna download Grindr?”
“No. I already have a guy I like.”
Seungmin didn’t think that the first person he would admit this too would be Minho but it’s oddly freeing. It’s a little embarrassing as well so he tilts his chin up, defiant. Minho looks like he might laugh at first, and Seungmin figures the other will make fun of him. Minho’s grin is slightly condescending when he says, “Cute.”
Seungmin just rolls his eyes and goes back to his book.
The door opens and Chan barges in with pizza and a liter of Coke. Minho covertly mimes a zipping motion with his mouth: Seungmin’s secret is safe. Seungmin takes a slice and tries not to think about how he’s getting more reckless by the day.
---
Hyunjin
seungmiiiiin
im BOREd please help
911 this is an emergency
Seungmin
How bored are you
Hyunjin
sO bored
and it’s too late at night to go outside
sigh
hey do you wanna watch a movie with me
Seungmin
Oh yeah
Text me the address of the theater
I’ll be there in five
Hyunjin
SKFJDSLFSLF
five DAYS, maybe
nah but have you ever heard of rabb.it?
Seungmin
? No
Hyunjin
omg it’s amazing
we can watch the same movie at the same time
It takes some time for Seungmin to set up an account and for him to find Hyunjin on the website, but after they do, Seungmin realizes that Hyunjin wasn’t exaggerating when he said it’s amazing. In the middle of the website there’s a box where the movie plays, and all around it are ways of communication: a chat box, a mic, and a webcam.
Technology’s really come far. Of course it isn’t like meeting up at the theater, but it’s as seamless an approximation as can be achieved digitally. Seungmin thinks that whoever designed this website did it with long-distance relationships specifically in mind, for all those who dare try that painful endeavor.
Hyunjin types in the chatbox, what do you wanna watch?
Of course Hyunjin doesn’t even know what he wants to watch. Seungmin has half the mind to be exasperated but he’s more endeared than anything, which is annoying. He then remembers a movie Chan mentioned liking.
My brother recommended me a movie called 3 idiots.
oooh the bollywood one? ive heard of it too! hell yeah let’s watch it .
The movie is old enough that Hyunjin is able to find a bootleg of it fairly easily. He checks to make sure that there are subtitles and then before he plays it, types, do you wanna turn on our webcams ?
Sure . It takes some fumbling around, but then Hyunjin’s face appears in a little circle at the bottom of the screen, as does Seungmin’s. He feels even more self-conscious than the first time they video-chatted, perhaps because he is now conscious of the way he feels.
“Hi,” Hyunjin says.
“Hi.”
“I’m gonna start the movie now.”
“Okay.”
The movie is two and a half hours long, but it’s so well-paced that Seungmin doesn’t even register the length, although it’s rough that the website occasionally freezes on his end. Hyunjin seems to like the movie as well— he only occasionally comments, but his face says it all. Hyunjin watching a movie is like a movie itself, his reactions playing across his expression like he he’s right there with the characters.
3 Idiots doesn’t shy away from harder topics, but the overall tone of the movie is funny and warm-hearted. While Seungmin watches, he feels a weight lift off his shoulders with the messages it sends: that life isn’t a race, that everybody has their own path, and that most importantly, that one should never commit suicide because there is always, always a better option.
Hyunjin is crying by the time the credits roll. “Why are you crying?” Seungmin asks, genuinely confused. The ending is complete in its happiness, everything coming full circle.
Hyunjin rubs his eyes. “I don’t know.”
“I could relate a lot to the side character,” Seungmin says.
“Which one? Farhan?”
Farhan is the guy who goes into the cutthroat engineering college secretly passionate about photography. It’s not an exact match— for Seungmin, photography is a hobby, but the gist of spending time going after a dream not his own is the same.
Seungmin nods.
“I could relate to Raju,” Hyunjin says.
Raju is the guy who loves engineering, but is terrified of being not good enough, cracking under pressure from his parents and from himself. He constantly lights incense to the gods, wears rings on his fingers to try and stave off his insecurities. His fears and doubts overpower him, dragging him down and preventing him from living life.
Seungmin wonders what Hyunjin has to be afraid of, but doesn’t press it.
“I feel like if our lives were a movie you’d be the main character,” Seungmin says. He doesn’t know why he says it.
“What do you mean?”
Seungmin shrugs. “To me you’re the main character of a YA novel. That’s all.”
“Damn, guess I better watch out, might get drafted into the hunger games or meet a vampire tomorrow,” Hyunjin laughs. “Aren’t we all main characters, though?”
“No,” Seungmin says. “I feel like I should be the side character in someone else’s story.” He realizes it sounds sad, but he doesn’t mean for it to be that way. Often times honesty comes off sad.
He waits for Hyunjin to contradict him, but Hyunjin says, slowly, “I think the side characters are the most important to any story. Without them everything is boring and one-sided. Besides, they’re always the ones I like.” He offers Seungmin a lopsided smile. “You’re my favorite character, if so.”
Seungmin’s heart hurts like it can’t fit inside his chest anymore.
---
Senior year begins. It’s still hot as hell outside, no autumn breeze to speak of, but that’s what happens when your district is crazy and starts school before the middle of August.
Seungmin doesn’t have lunch with Felix this year, but they have AP Biology together since last year Felix begged Seungmin to it “so I’ll have somebody to suffer with.” He also gets English and Statistics with Lia. So all in all, not a bad schedule.
“Long time no see,” she says, when he slides into the seat next to her in Stats. Her ponytail has a streak of blue in it, and she’s considerably tanner.
“How was your summer?”
“I went to soccer camp and got the worst tan lines,” she groans, and Seungmin widens his eyes when she pulls her leggings up a bit to show the difference. “I won’t be able to wear any dress to HoCo like this.”
“You could wear a suit,” Seungmin offers. “That’s something you could pull off.”
“I don’t know if you’re being serious but I might actually do that.”
Seungmin falls into routine. It’s senior year, his twelfth year of school, and at this point he’s used to everything. No need to buy school supplies— two notebooks and a pack of mechanical pencils will suffice. The halls of Orchard are familiar and well-worn and he learns the route to his classes the first day.
The saying is that seniors rule the school, and while Seungmin isn’t royalty he’s definitely in a more comfortable position than any wide-eyed freshman he sees in the hallways, all frenetic energy and surface bravado. Of course, once outside of the halls they have to deal with the set of problems that comes with being a senior.
Seungmin swears to god every single conversation now starts with some variation of What colleges are thinking of? And what are you going to major in? He understands that it’s easy small-talk, and he is guilty of asking people these questions himself when he doesn’t know what else to say, but it’s seriously tiring. Maybe it’s simple for those who know exactly what they want and want nothing more to run toward that future, but for Seungmin it’s uncomfortable.
Eventually he hears this question enough times to have a rehearsed response. Most people back off once they hear UIUC. It’s a boring answer.
Some people are allergic to the idea of staying here and going to their state school. The midwest has a reputation of being a giant cornfield, and there’s a magic in the idea of getting out of here . But at the same time, they’re pretending that they live in some small rural town, when there isn’t an actual farm in sight and the shopping mall is ten minutes away. Some of his classmates talk of the coasts like life must be so much better there, technicolor rather than black and white.
Seungmin doesn’t really believe it.
Then there are the people who do want to go to UIUC, and there are the people who want to go to UIUC for engineering, and they ask Seungmin if he’s started his essay yet and if he thinks he’ll get in with the ten percent acceptance rate and it’s all rather awful. Counselors are brought into classrooms to discuss majors and future careers, and it’s just—
They’ve spent the past three years trying to fit themselves into the four walls of their high school and suddenly it’s like the door to the rest of the world has been flung open. So wide and bright that it’s blinding with paths snaking out into a thousand different directions. It’s overwhelming.
The questions on the application forms are endless, and even Seungmin who is not inclined to procrastinate wants to put it off. The teachers give him enough homework anyway that he has reason to. Between homework and photography and shifts at the Coffee Stop, Seungmin finds himself like everybody else: busy.
Perhaps not exactly like everybody else, though. On the surface Seungmin has nothing to hide but he walks down the hallways with butterflies in his stomach and sparks in his chest. He’s in class and he finds himself thinking about Hyunjin and when his phone goes off it sounds like a drum. His body and mind are in Illinois but he’s mailed his heart two thousand miles away, and now it’s owned by a boy in California.
---
On Friday of the first week of school, when lunch comes, Seungmin goes to the library to eat and pulls his phone out of his pocket. 6 New Messages. One of them is a spam address, but the other five are from Hyunjin, sent four hours ago.
Hyunjin
yo
just got my wisdom teeth removed
the physical pain is fine but the embarrassment is not
my mouth is so swollen
i look like a balloon
Seungmin
Lol I’m sure you look fine.
Hyunjin
thanks for your faith
anyway are you in school rn?
don’t get your phone confiscated
Seungmin
I’m at lunch
Hyunjin
oh okay
haha you have school
… im gonna start in three days
hopefully i’ll look less like a balloon then
Seungmin
Forget about the balloon thing
Does it hurt a lot?
Hyunjin
im on pain meds so no
but im probably a little loopy rn
so if i say anything weird
don’t hold it against me
Seungmin
You’re ALWAYS saying weird stuff.
Hyunjin
you’re so MEAN
why am i even talking to you?
or texting you i guess
my mouth hurts too much to talk
Seungmin
You make it seem like it hurts your mouth to text
I hope you feel better soon.
Hyunjin
i feel better talking to you
but pain meds aside
if i ever said anything to make you uncomfortable
you’d tell me right?
Seungmin
Yeah, of course.
Hyunjin
promise?
Seungmin
No worries.
I don’t have issues calling people out.
Hyunjin
okay
i’m gonna go now
i don’t trust myself on pain meds
gonna go sleep it off
Seungmin
See you
Hyunjin
THIS ICE PACK IS SO COLD
bye!
Seungmin puts his phone in his pocket. In three days their schedules will be mismatched again, with Hyunjin’s school starting up too. Seungmin gets his homework out and slides his headphones on, letting JJ Project’s Verse 2 ease the pain of English.
---
The day before school starts for Hyunjin, Seungmin receives a call. “Hey,” Hyunjin says, voice crackling through the line.
“Hi.”
“Your mouth all better?”
“Still feels a little funny, but I don’t care. I probably won’t be able to call again for awhile,” Hyunjin says. “I kind of overloaded my schedule senior year, and then on top of that there’s college applications. Sorry.”
“You should be sorry. I looked at Harvard’s admission requirements because I was curious on your behalf, and now I have that on my search history,” Seungmin says. Hyunjin laughs, and it’s like music. “No worries. We can go back to messaging.”
He’ll miss hearing Hyunjin’s voice, that tangible connection between them, but Seungmin can deal with it. Maybe he’ll get over Hyunjin this way, too, if Hyunjin isn’t so present. Because in the end, they live two different lives. Hyunjin is applying to Harvard, while Seungmin really did feel ashamed looking up their admission requirements. It felt so presumptuous, even if he isn’t applying.
“But I wanna talk to you,” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin’s face flushes. “I always prefer dialogue quotations to text format.”
“Come again?”
“YA Authors are starting to try and write texting into their books. Most of them are not doing it very well.”
Seungmin grins. “You and your YA.” He adds, “Are you gonna do early action for Harvard?”
“Yeah.”
There are two application deadlines— one in November and one later. The one in November is early action, and for Harvard, it’s restricted. One can apply to public state schools during that round, but not to other private schools. Seungmin thinks it’s overkill. Harvard really needs to weed out more competition?
“You must think I’m crazy.” Hyunjin sounds a little sad.
“I do, but just because it’s so much work. Interviews and teacher recommendations and those essays? I looked at the prompts. I wouldn’t even know where to start with writing them. They seem to assume that the person writing is accomplished.”
“You know me,” Hyunjin says. “I’m not accomplished. I’m just good with bullshit.”
“I call bullshit on your bullshit,” Seungmin says. “You think you can underestimate yourself, but I won’t. You don’t bullshit. You’re just really good with words.” Seungmin’s never read any of Hyunjin’s essays or anything, but he’s gathered that Hyunjin’s good— he tutors at a writing center, he gets As on his essays, hell, even his tweets always land perfectly. There’s a manipulation of language in under 280 characters that Seungmin knows he doesn’t have.
Hyunjin’s words are precise, a smooth grip of English that makes him easy to talk to. Even easier to fall for.
“Maybe,” Hyunjin says, sounding unconvinced. And then his tone changes. “Shit, we literally spent the past half hour talking about me. Please tell me things about you.”
“Alright.”
---
Now they’re both back in school, adjusting to having most of their day occupied with coursework. Seungmin doesn’t know exactly how it is for Hyunjin— all Hyunjin says is that he misses summer— but Seungmin finds himself enjoying his own classes.
Seungmin likes his Statistics teacher, for pretty straightforward reasons: she’s funny, and she promises baked goods if they do well on tests. Mrs. Jaron has a pretty laissez-faire way of teaching, spending some class periods going over notes but otherwise letting them to their own devices.
They have the class period to complete a worksheet, by oneself or with a partner. In cases like this in Calc, Seungmin would have put on his headphones and done the worksheet by himself, but he has Lia this year, who’s already figured out how to work the TI-89, which Seungmin still regards as alien technology.
“What is the point of a stem and leaf plot,” Lia grumbles, as she starts listing numbers off in numerical order. “Box plots, I can at least understand.”
“Probably just to make us suffer. Jaron says it won’t be on the finals, so we don’t have to think too much about it,” Seungmin says. He squints at the calculator. “Hey, how do you get a mod box plot again?”
Lia reaches over, pushes some buttons, and hands it back with the box plot onscreen. Seungmin gives her a thumbs up and starts copying it onto the worksheet.
“You know what’s ironic, for someone who’s a Stats teacher, Jaron has a statistically improbable life,” Lia says, propping her chin up on her hands. “She met her husband in high school , and they did long distance for six years. God. I couldn’t do that.”
Seungmin adds in the whiskers for the box plot. “All of the math teachers in the school have weird love stories. I found out a week ago that my Calc and English teachers from last year are married. I wonder if ruining students’ lives was part of their wedding vows.”
“And I will take care of you in sickness and in health, and fail high school kids at least twenty-five percent of the time, till death do us part,” Lia monologues. “Yeah, you didn’t know about them? Fair enough, she didn’t change her last name. Apparently they met as coworkers.”
“Sounds like a sitcom.” Seungmin reaches for his calculator. “You wouldn’t do long-distance? Why?”
“First of all, I wouldn’t marry anybody from our high school, like have you seen the guys here? I mean, no offense,” she says. “And second of all, long distance doesn’t work. It just doesn’t.”
“It worked for Jaron,” Seungmin says. And then, “But otherwise I guess you’re right.”
Seungmin is a bit distracted after that, and Lia draws several poodles onto his worksheet without him realizing.
---
Something Seungmin discovers is that his and Jisung’s lunch periods overlap despite being in different schools, so more often than not one of them sends a text over during that time.
Jisung
dude check out this sandwich
[picture]
what the fuck. what the fuck
is it radioactive? is that it???
Seungmin can reasonably talk to Jisung about most things except for Hyunjin. He specifically avoids the subject of Hyunjin. It isn’t like Seungmin’s told anyone else, even Jeongin, but with Jisung it’s a special kind of awkward because Seungmin did sort of reject him. Seungmin doesn’t regret it. They’re good as friends.
Jisung is a comfortable sort of person in that he doesn’t ask Seungmin shit about college. Seungmin knows that Jisung is applying to UIUC for environmental science because of a throwaway comment, and Seungmin thinks it’s hilarious that Jisung actually has positive feelings about living in a cornfield, as Seungmin is neutral about it.
It’s nice, and he sticks Jisung onto the very short list involving Felix and Jeongin of people that he can really call a friend.
Jisung’s birthday falls in the middle of September, a day before Felix’s. Seungmin is unable to gift Jisung anything since doesn’t live close enough, but he gets Felix a phone case.
He gives it to Felix when they’re on the bus together to Felix’s Cross Country meet, Seungmin yawning into his hand because it’s Saturday and he had to get up at five in the morning to catch the bus with the team. He isn’t running, just taking photographs, but he has to suffer just the same.
“Happy birthday,” Seungmin tells Felix, once they’re situated in a seat.
Felix makes an unintelligible noise, closing his eyes and pulling a blanket over himself. “Nngh.”
“You’re gonna get a PR today.” This is a term Seungmin has learned from Felix: PR, personal record. The other one he’s learned is fartlek , which is a type of speed exercise that is just as horrible as it sounds.
“Don’t want a PR,” Felix mumbles. “Wanna sleep.”
The rest of the bus seems to share the same sentiment, with none of the noise one would expect from a bus full of teenage boys. They start to wake up at the one-hour mark, due to someone blasting Soulja Boy from a handheld speaker. Felix groans and covers his ears.
Seungmin gets off the bus, lagging behind the rest of the team with Felix, the two of them staggering under the weight of the water tank they’re carrying to they’re base. It’s Felix’s birthday but he’s carrying the tank anyway. Seungmin hates him sometimes.
The girls’ Cross Country team has already arrived, their tent neatly set up. Seungmin can hear Nicki Minaj’s Super Bass blasting through the tent folding.
He’s got time to kill before he has to start taking photos, so he makes his way around the area, familiarizing himself with the route. By the time he gets back the Boys JV team is warming up, and the sun is comfortably situated in the sky.
There are six races in total. Girls JV, the first race, starts in half an hour, and Seungmin positions himself along the route with his camera slung around his neck. At these meets, the focus is all on Varsity, but Seungmin likes taking photos of everyone. He hears the whistle blow in the distance. The air is still, and then it explodes.
Go.
Seungmin can be loud when he wants to, and he shouts encouragement every time someone from their school runs by while he aims his lens. It’s an unfortunate truth that he doesn’t know the names of over half of the people he’s taking photos of, but he cheers all the same, even though by the end of all the races he knows his mouth will be dry and his wrists sore.
There are two people he’s watching for in specific: Felix, as aforementioned, but also Lia, who’s recently been bumped up to Girls Varsity. She’s in the middle race and he manages to get a photo of her, a a good one, her eyes laser-focused, ponytail mid-swing, a small smile on her mouth despite the pain.
Felix is in the last race. He’s said that he does better when people are cheering for him, so Seungmin yells Felix’s name at the top of his lungs although he’s dehydrated at this point and he isn’t sure Felix can hear him over all the other screaming. But Felix speeds up, so Seungmin is pretty sure he’s heard, and finishes in fourth place.
Seungmin will congratulate him later, after he’s done taking pictures.
When he gets back to home base, he runs into Lia first, who’s got her water bottle in hand and is talking to her friend. Seungmin raises his hand for a high-five and she slaps his palm, then looks at his camera. “Please tell me you didn’t take a picture of me.”
“I did. But no worries, you looked good.” She frowns, clearly not believing him.
“Hey, Seungmin!” Felix runs over, having regained some energy from the race. “And, hey, Lia! You did amazing.”
“So did you. I heard Coach saying something about an under sixteen minute time,” she says, and Felix grins, bashful. The Coach yells Lia’s name, and she sighs. “I have to go do cool down now. I’ll see you guys.”
“Cool down,” Felix says with distaste. “I never get it. We already nearly killed ourselves running three miles, what kind of cool down is running a mile more?” He slings an arm around Seungmin’s shoulder. Seungmin winces. Felix is sweaty .
“You wanna go get food or something?” Seungmin asks, not so subtly shrugging Felix’s arm off.
“I gotta go to the bathroom. Hopefully there’s some toilet paper left at the porta potties,” Felix says, suddenly looking very nervous. They walk to wear the blue plastic stalls are set up. Turns out there is no toilet paper left, but a girl decked in orange offers several squares when Felix asks, and he thanks her profusely.
Seungmin hangs with Felix for the rest of the meet. Felix gets nachos from the food stand and says hello to some of his friends from other schools because of course he knows everybody. Eventually Felix is accosted by his teammates yelling about how someone made birthday pie and Felix smiles so wide it rivals the sun.
Seungmin takes more photos of the entire team. The sun heats up his hair like a toaster. The atmosphere is good, though, and even though Seungmin isn’t on post-race high, he feels a certain sort of peace.
On the way back from the meet, they stop at a convenience store, and Felix buys a five-pound bag of Swedish Fish because they’re half-off, passing the bag around the bus. When the bag makes its way back to Felix, practically empty, Felix says drowsily, “You know, this isn’t a bad start to turning seventeen.”
Seungmin grins. “I would hate to have to get up at five.”
“Yo, I’ll definitely crash when I get home,” Felix says. But the crash happens before that, at least for everybody else, and as the sun goes down the bus reverts back to the state it was in the morning, except significantly more sweaty.
It sets a specific sort of mood, like the world has stopped revolving outside the bus. Felix curls his legs up and sets his chin on his knees. “Seungmin,” he says. “The guy I met at Pride. Eric. I really like him.”
Seungmin knocks their shoulders together. “Why do you say that like it’s a bad thing?”
“Because, I don’t know, it’s so long distance,” Felix sighs. “He’s a whole train ride from here.”
A whole train ride. Seungmin has the sudden urge to throttle Felix or do something equally stupid.
He goes with the second option, and blurts out, “The guy I like lives two thousand miles away. So I think you’re good.”
Felix’s eyes get wide. “Wait. WHAT?” Seungmin knows he’s made a mistake as soon as Felix asks this, because it’s in a tone that demands answers . Seungmin thinks about not giving any but figures that since he already dug his grave, he might as well lie in it.
“His name is Hyunjin and he lives in California. We met on Twitter.”
“Oh my god, that’s so cute,” Felix says, starry-eyed like he wasn’t just complaining about his own crush being a whole train ride away a minute ago. Seungmin doesn’t say anything to Felix’s words, his face heating up. “I really hope it works out for you, Seungmin.”
“It’s one-sided,” Seungmin says, except every day he’s less and less certain. “There’s really nothing to work out.”
“Sure,” Felix says, but changes the topic when he sees that Seungmin is uncomfortable. “Also, Seungmin, I just realized. When is your birthday? I don’t know.”
“Not for a while.”
“Oh. Well, let me know when it is, then.” Seungmin is spared from having to say by the bus pulling up to the school, and the coach is opening up roll call and yelling out names and any talk of birthdays or trains is lost in the midst.
---
Seungmin’s answer to the birthday question is a lie. He’s turning seventeen in a week.
He used to like his birthday, but around when he turned fourteen he stopped telling people when it was. Seungmin likes celebrating other people, but he has mixed feelings about it for himself.
“What do you want to do for your birthday?” his mom asks.
Seungmin used to humor her even though he didn’t want to, but he’s felt blue all week, September 22 encroaching like an unwelcome deadline. “Nothing. Let’s not celebrate it,” he says. “Pretend it’s a normal day.”
“Why not?”
“I just don’t want to,” Seungmin says. “I’m too old for birthdays.”
This isn’t the entire truth but he doesn’t explain it further, and his mom drops it, looking a little sad. Seungmin feels guilty, but not so guilty it prevents him from shooting a text off to Chan telling him not to come back for the weekend, work on his project, it’s fine.
Are you okay, Seungmin ? Chan texts back, and Seungmin answers, Yeah . He doesn’t know how to describe his feelings, just that seventeen feels so old, and the change of the number makes him panic that he hasn’t done anything his entire life.
Seventeen is on the cusp of adulthood, and he isn’t ready for that.
So when Saturday rolls around he gets up and starts working on his homework, pretending that he doesn’t know the date, pretending that he doesn’t feel like there’s an weight on his shoulders. He sends a text off to Hyunjin that he’s really busy today, sorry, but Hyunjin should text him about the swim meet he has, then turns his phone off.
But Seungmin doesn’t account for Jeongin. “HEY,” Jeongin says, barging into Seungmin’s house at three in the afternoon like he owns the whole place, or at least a good chunk of it. At this point, Jeongin probably does. “Happy birthday!” He shoves a gift into Seungmin’s hands.
Seungmin takes it. “Thank you,” he says. Jeongin never mentioned anything in the week before, and Seungmin assumed Jeongin forgot. It’s rude not to open the present, though, so he does, and smiles when he sees a keychain shaped like a music note.
“So what are we gonna do?” Jeongin asks. Seungmin hesitates. “I know you don’t want to, but I drove all the way here and nearly ran into a stop sign so we’re celebrating.”
“You— nearly ran into a stop sign?” Seungmin asks, and Jeongin waves him off like it’s no big deal. For Jeongin, it probably isn’t— Seungmin thinks that Jeongin could get out of a parking or speeding ticket with one silver smile.
“So what do you want to do?” Jeongin asks. “Nevermind, I don’t trust you to answer. Let’s go.”
Seungmin follows Jeongin outside. Jeongin knows him too well, knows that Seungmin has a penchant to be polite.
“You wanna go get ice cream? You can pay,” Jeongin says, and they head to the local convenience store to get popsicles before Jeongin shuttles them off to the nearby park, where they sit on the swings and eat.
Seungmin hates to admit it but he feels better, because Jeongin just has that kind of effect on people, and while Jeongin talks about how junior year just sucks and how all his friends have Homecoming dates, Seungmin forgets to be sad.
After they’ve exhausted themselves on the baby swings they go back to Seungmin’s house, where they boot up Chan’s XBox and start a game of DDR. Neither of them is good at this game, and they spend the next two hours attempting to just hit some of the arrows, only interrupted when Seungmin’s mom comes in with cake.
“What,” Seungmin says. “Where did you hide the cake?”
“In the refrigerator, you just didn’t look,” she says, and hands one slice to Seungmin and one slice to Jeongin. The frosting is strawberry, scalloped at the edges, and it isn’t too sweet in a way that lets Seungmin know it’s from a bakery and not a grocery store. They eat the cake in the kitchen, while they listen to Jeongin’s playlist, which contains suspiciously more Day6 and less Bastille than usual.
“It’s getting dark outside, you should leave,” Seungmin says. “So you don’t hit any stop signs on the way back.”
“I’m telling you I’d hit stop signs either way, but alright,” Jeongin says. “You sure I shouldn’t stay overnight?”
Seungmin shakes his head, and Jeongin must see the line drawn in his expression because Jeongin puts on his pink Converse and heads out. Seungmin makes sure that Jeongin gets out the driveway safely before he heads back in to clear out the plates.
There’s a hollowness to his chest, an empty feeling that Jeongin’s presence had obscured. It’s fine, his birthday is over, and the hollowness will clear up in a few days. He’s seventeen now. He feels the young wings on his back unfurl just a bit more, elongating and stretching toward the sun, but he’s scared, keeps his feet on the ground, not knowing which way to fly.
---
HJ @hyunfortunately 2h
i have such bad impulse control one day i’m gonna get myself killed
Hyunjin
hey seungmin
have you heard i like you?
When Seungmin gets the notification, he nearly drops the phone in the toilet. His heart rate explodes, racing a hundred miles an hour.
Seungmin
What?
Hyunjin
the Day6 song!
it’s really good
Oh.
Okay. That’s what Hyunjin meant.
Seungmin
Lol I’ve heard all their songs
Yeah I Like You is pretty good
All of their music is
Hyunjin
i challenge you to stop being a myday for 1 second
Seungmin
Sorry, challenge failed.
Hyunjin cleared up the meaning but Seungmin’s pulse doesn’t slow. He narrows his eyes at the screen. Hyunjin is good with words and should know the ambiguity of his statement. He should also know that there is no Day6 song Seungmin hasn’t yet heard. Seungmin isn’t one to get his hopes up but he isn’t stupid, either. He’s almost certain that this was an aborted pick-up line.
---
“Hey, Seungmin, you coming to Homecoming?” Felix asks.
Seungmin shakes his head. “Someone else is on photography duty.”
Felix is going with a group of his Cross Country teammates, Jeongin with his school friends. Lia is actually going to the Fields dance as well because her best friend, a girl named Chaeryeong, goes to Fields like Jeongin.
The school is in Homecoming mode, balloons taped to lockers and spirit week announcements spread throughout the halls. At a Cross Country meet, one of Felix’s teammates stands at the finish line holding up a poster with an invitation on it— she says yes, by the way, and Seungmin can’t help but smile with everyone else.
In biology, someone writes Hoco? in impossibly miniscule font and fits the paper under a microscope slide. There’s a shout of excitement while everybody else is hunched over looking at onion cells when it finds its intended recipient.
“Damn,” Felix comments. “AP Bio goes hard.”
Once Seungmin and Felix are done with their lab Seungmin opens his phone under the table to tell Hyunjin about it. This is exactly the shit Hyunjin likes.
Hyunjin
cute???
that’s so elaborate omg
i would say yes for sheer creativity
Seungmin
Would you say yes even if it wasn’t creative?
Hyunjin
hmm depends on how much i like them
are you going to hoco with anyone, seungmin?
Seungmin
Ah I’m not going to Homecoming at all
I am not asking anyone, nor have I been asked.
Hyunjin
? hello? what?
i would totally ask you
Seungmin
Like as friends?
Hyunjin
like with a poster duh
you deserve some effort
Hyunjin must be purposely driving him insane. They talk and Hyunjin will send those one or two messages that make Seungmin wonder if Hyunjin is purposefully flirting with him, and Seungmin can’t stand it. Every day his crush just gets worse and Hyunjin is there dumping fuel on the flames.
Seungmin
That’s really cheesy
Hyunjin
that’s the POINT
but would you say yes?
Seungmin
Hyunjin, do you mean it?
Don’t play dumb. Be honest.
Hyunjin types for a long time. Seungmin hopes his message comes across. Hyunjin’s style is to be indirect, and Seungmin’s style is— well, he isn’t sure. But the conversation was already in dangerous waters, Seungmin just dragged it in deeper. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Hyunjin tries to avoid the question.
He thinks it might just break his heart.
Hyunjin
yeah. i do.
i like you.
Seungmin isn’t going to lie; his first reaction is along the lines of what the fuck ? He didn’t know what response he expected but it was not that .
Hyunjin
so what about you, seungmin?
do you like me?
Once you get a ball rolling it’s hard to stop it. It’s hard to control its path, too.
Seungmin
Yeah, I do.
Hyunjin sends over several exclamation points and a <3 symbol before they switch topics, both of them too shy to say more, but Seungmin keeps scrolling up to re-read the messages to make sure they’re real. He is sure he has the most stupid expression on his face, and he hopes Hyunjin doesn’t mind the reticence of his confession. It’s because he’s scared of how happy he is. It’s because it’s his first time to like someone and the first time he’s liked back and he isn’t sure how any of this is going to go.
But he thinks he would like to find out.
Notes:
rabb.it is now kast.gg!
i wrote this a long time ago and hyunjin's day6 pickup line took me off guard i was like ??? an i like you already?
honestly my reaction is still ??? an i like you already i'm too used to doing slow burn haha let's see where this goes
Chapter 5
Notes:
uic- university of illinois at chicago
uiuc- university of illinois at urbana-champaignhmm just a heads up that some of the decisions made in here might be a bit questionable and that my line of thinking about the world might be a bit strange... don't take me too seriously and just enjoy <3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
For the next couple of days Seungmin lives in a state of mild euphoria. He’s never done drugs, but he’s pretty sure that this is what it’s like to be high.
He remembers Hyunjin’s dumb pick-up line and heart emoji at random times and is unable to contain his smile, so much that on Friday his biology teacher calls him out on it. Seungmin is caught-off guard and stammers out a denial.
Saturday is Homecoming, and their school is crazy so a cross country meet is scheduled on the exact same date, just in the morning. Seungmin goes to take pictures as usual and is amused to see Lia running the race with her nails done, pale yellow in the sunlight.
On the way home, Felix comments, “Seungmin, you seem really happy.”
Seungmin’s face goes red. He thinks of the recent selfie that Hyunjin sent him, two fingers up in a peace sign, captioned I’m thinking of you! “Oh, really?” Seungmin says, surprising himself when his voice is neutral. “Huh. I didn’t realize.”
Seungmin isn’t a cynic. He figured there would be a time when he fell for somebody, and he knew if he ever did, he would do so wholeheartedly. But he also thought that he would do it carefully, ease himself in, know what he was getting into.
Hyunjin doesn’t make him want to be careful. Hyunjin makes him want to dive into the deep end with no care if he’s able to swim, makes him want to buy plane tickets to San Francisco and take off in the middle of the night. Seungmin is naturally down-to-earth, doesn’t do daydreams, so it’s a shock as to how loopy he is now. He feels like a balloon floating up in the clouds, suspended above the earth on digital helium.
Feet on the ground , Seungmin reminds himself. That’s how you’ve always been .
He thinks of airplanes touching down, reunions on sidewalks, chance encounters in coffee shops. Love makes wrecks of us all.
---
But Seungmin is a level-headed person, so after the initial high has worn off he calms down and considers logistics. For one, there’s a geographical barrier. For two, Hyunjin might have said he likes him, but he hasn’t actually asked Seungmin out yet, nor has he defined a relationship.
No matter how much Seungmin might like Hyunjin, the most important thing is that they stay friends, and that their friendship doesn’t get messed up. Seungmin curses himself for momentarily forgetting this.
Besides, life gets in the way.
It’s October and the fervor surrounding university reaches a fever pitch, everybody talking about it and reminding each other of it in a truly unbearable cycle, like there are hundreds of speakers next to each other and the resulting feedback screeches into the air in headache-inducing dissonance.
It isn’t that Seungmin hasn’t been working on it. His applications are coming along and he has his Common essay done. It’s just that everybody else stresses— and Seungmin loves Felix, he really oes, but Felix needs to calm down — until Seungmin feels like he should be stressed as well.
The worst part of school is the time before AP Bio starts. AP Bio and Chem are on opposite sides of the same hall, and both are one and a half periods long, so there’s a ten minute wait where students from both classes are in the hallway, eating and talking and making a ruckus that gets a teachers to yell at them to keep it down every week.
These are the kids who have spent their life at the top five percent of their class, who obtain straight-As, who have grown up hearing that the world was theirs and to take it, be the best . Their shoulders sag with all-nighters and pressure from others and even more pressure from themselves. It makes some of them desperate and insecure, and it comes out rude at times.
Seungmin gets it, but seriously, putting all of them together is just awful. There’s talk of applying to a double-digit number of colleges and analyses of university rankings, and when this kid despairs of “not getting in anywhere” and “having to go to community college” Seungmin throws him a glare like ice. Lia is going to their local college for two years, and he won’t let anybody talk down to her, even indirectly.
Besides, those who judge the paths of others are in no shape to walk their own.
“What if I don’t get in anywhere?” Felix asks, finally cracking after hearing too much of other people saying it, and Seungmin hits him.
“Don’t say that, if you don’t get in anywhere what does it say about me?”
Seungmin tries not to let all of their doubts swallow him whole as well. The autumn wind is cold but he goes running outside anyway, shoes slapping the sidewalk. The leaves skitter across the streets, knock against the curbs.
Seungmin has always ran at his own pace. He reminds himself to do so now.
---
“Seungmin, let’s talk,” his dad says, and Seungmin gets this feeling that the ensuing conversation is not going to be a good one. He plants his ass in a chair and resigns to a painful half hour.
His dad studies him. “Why do you look so nervous? I’m not going to punish you.”
Seungmin just fidgets. “What did you want to talk about?”
“I want to know why you’re on your phone so much nowadays,” his dad says, and Seungmin swallows. This is the worst question. His nerves fry, and he feels cold sweat drip down his sides and a heavy stone settle in his stomach. Guilt ties up his throat. “It isn’t like you.”
Shit. His parents don’t seem to monitor him that closely, and Seungmin talks to Hyunjin forgetting that his dad might not speak English that well but understands it perfectly, and his mom does try to look out for him even if she doesn’t show it. Seungmin’s been too careless nowadays and now the consequences are showing.
Their family has a rule about absolutely no dating in high school. And his dad always talks about how dangerous it is to meet people on the internet, but never talks about the possibilities of people not being straight, unless LGBT legislation comes up on the news and his dad’s expression is so horribly, horribly neutral yet unimpressed.
“I’m just talking to my friend,” Seungmin says, mouth dry.
“Who?”
Seungmin mentally prays for forgiveness. “Sam.” A half-truth. He hates lying…
“Again, I’m not punishing you,” his dad says, and that is the worst part, that it’s all a genuine question and it’s tinted with worry rather than anger. “I just want to remind you that you’re in the last stretch now. You’ve done well the past few years and you don’t want that to be wasted.”
“Right,” Seungmin says, nodding.
“Have you finished your UIUC essays?” his dad says, and Seungmin curses that he was asked this specific question when it’s the only one he can’t answer well.
“No. I’ve been writing the other ones.”
“You know you should be focusing with UIUC,” his dad says sharply, and there’s the annoyance and anger now. “I know you don’t like when I talk about rankings but that’s the one with the best computer science program.”
“I know,” Seungmin says. “I’m sorry, I’ll write them soon.”
“You should consider spending less time on the phone. You’re naturally disciplined but lately I think you’ve been slipping. Right now your grades are still fine but if they drop I really will have to punish you.” Seungmin’s stomach is so tight he feels like if he looked down he’d see his abdomen twisted. “Who is Sam, anyway? I don't think you've ever mentioned him.”
Seungmin swallows, hard. “He’s my friend from Biology.”
His mind clouds with the terrifying fear that his dad won’t believe him and ask to check his phone, and he thinks about the thousands of messages that he and Hyunjin have sent over several platforms, just a tap away if anyone wants to find them. And he isn’t dating Hyunjin but their conversations are so not platonic and oh god, he would be so fucked.
“Well, your friend should consider spending less time on the phone, too,” his dad says, and then he smiles, warning done, and he ruffles Seungmin’s hair. “I know it’s tiring but you just need to remember not to get lazy, okay? And I trust you’ll get everything done on time.”
Seungmin is let loose after that to go to his room, and he does his bio homework while his stomach tries to untwist itself. Seungmin feels half stupid for being so careless and half guilty. His dad isn’t a villain, is genuinely just looking out for Seungmin with a gentle parental rebuke. Seungmin is the one with the secret.
He’s finding it’s a lot easier just to be good and follow the rules. Once you sign up for a secret, it’s hard to back out.
The next few days Seungmin works extra hard on his homework and applications. He sets his alarms with renewed vigor and tells himself to be disciplined. Hyunjin juggles everything in his life by not sleeping; Seungmin doesn’t have that sort of superpower but he’s good at time management, and so he reminds himself that school is his priority but sticks Hyunjin into all the open gaps in his schedule he can find.
At least Hyunjin finds the whole Sam from Biology thing funny, if in a sad way.
Seungmin is starting to understand why relationships take up so much time. He understands why so many people say they don’t have time to date. But he can’t bring himself to tell Hyunjin that they should go back to the way they were, and he feels bad for hiding Hyunjin from his family, but he doesn’t know what else to do.
---
Well, there was one truth in his conversation with his dad. Seungmin has in fact been avoiding the essays for UIUC, which is why he isn’t finished. He just doesn’t know what to write. The question prompt asks him about his past experiences with comp sci and why he wants to major in it. And, as Seungmin has said before, he is a bad liar.
He purses his lips and opens his messages.
Seungmin
Hey Hyunjin
Can you help me with a college essay?
Hyunjin
!!!!
of course what else am i good for
do you have time to call right now?
we can talk about it over the phone
Seungmin
Aren’t you busy
With, like, everything?
Hyunjin
will never be too busy to help you out
call me!
Seungmin does. There’s the familiar flutter of nerves whenever he dials Hyunjin’s number, because his subconscious refuses to shut up about Hyunjin even when he should have his complete focus on other things. Seungmin will learn to live with that. They haven’t been able to call much recently. Hyunjin’s been extremely occupied.
“Hey,” Hyunjin says. “You can hear me okay over there?”
“Yeah,” Seungmin says. “You can hear me?”
“Yeah. Okay, so, by help, what do you mean? Do you mean edits?” Hyunjin sounds more businesslike than usual and it makes Seungmin smile a bit.
“No, I mean ideas. I’ve been staring at a blank document for the past hour.”
“Oh, damn. Okay.” There’s some shuffling on the other end of the phone. “Sorry, just let me get on the computer.”
Seungmin hums. He’s less stressed out now that he’s talking to Hyunjin, even if Seungmin didn’t originally plan to ask for help. He’s bad at that, asking for help. When he asked for teacher recommendations he felt like dying inside. “I have to talk about why I like comp sci and what I’ve done with it,” Seungmin says.
“Oh, it’s that kind of question,” Hyunjin says, with the kind of voice that makes Seungmin think Hyunjin is scrunching up his face on the other end of the line. “Is this for UIUC?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay then Changbin was writing this exact essay a year ago. UIUC doesn’t ask for anything crazy. Just be straightforward and be sure there’s no obvious grammar issues and you’ll be fine,” Hyunjin says. “So, uh, did you do anything with comp sci in high school?”
“I took a class and made a tic-tac-toe board,” Seungmin says, deflated. “Every time I start writing it just feels stupid, though.”
“You sound really enthusiastic,” Hyunjin says. “Please tell me you’re not applying for comp sci although you hate it.”
“I don’t hate it,” Seungmin defends himself. “Hate is a strong word.”
It’s quiet on the other end of the line and Seungmin wonders if Hyunjin believes him. And then the moment passes and Seungmin almost feels angry about thinking that he has to convince Hyunjin that he isn’t making a mistake.
“Then here’s what you’re going to do, you’re going to write about the class and then you’re going to fill the remaining word count with why you think comp sci, and especially comp sci at UIUC, is cool,” Hyunjin says. “Then pass it over to me. I’ll edit it.”
Seungmin cracks a smile. “I think you just desperately want to criticize my writing.”
“I’m sure your writing is good,” Hyunjin whines. “Is it so bad I want to see it?”
“Fine.”
“Yay,” Hyunjin cheers. “If it isn’t good then I’ll edit it into good writing. I’ll be ruthless.”
Seungmin laughs. “You? Ruthless?” But he’s sure Hyunjin isn’t lying. The nicest people turn into the harshest over things they are passionate about. “Okay, I’ll write it and send it to you, then.”
“Wait, you should get somebody else to look at it, too,” Hyunjin says, suddenly uncertain. “I don’t know if I should be this confident, I don’t want to mess your chances up.”
“No, be confident. It suits you,” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin coughs on the other end, embarrassed. “I’m sure you’re great at editing. If I don’t get in it won’t be your fault at all. It’ll only be on me.”
“Just remember whatever you’re writing, it’s never as bad as you think,” Hyunjin says quietly. “Have faith in yourself.”
Seungmin rolls his eyes. “I should absolutely say that to you ,” he says. Hyunjin can’t say anything to that, they both know Seungmin is right. There’s the tap of keys as Seungmin jots down a few notes onto the document, which will hopefully be turned into paragraphs later, a crackle of static as Hyunjin is silent.
“What’d you write about for your Common essay?” Hyunjin asks.
“Photography. I didn’t have much trouble with that one,” Seungmin says.
Hyunjin hums. “It’s a little ironic, you being a photographer. You can see the world so clearly but you can’t see yourself.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You keep saying you’re average. You’re not.”
“You’re biased,” Seungmin retorts, tapping at the keyboard with a little more force. “What did you write about for your Common essay?”
“I have like… three different versions,” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin rolls his eyes. Of course Hyunjin does.
The pressure on Hyunjin must be even more intense than it is on Seungmin. At Seungmin’s school, the strongest kids are applying for the Top 20 universities— at Hyunjin’s, they’re applying for the Top 5. Apparently some Ivy Leagues aren’t even considered “real” Ivy Leagues over there, which Seungmin doesn’t understand so he just doesn’t comment.
“And all three of them are amazing,” Seungmin says, choosing to comment on Hyunjin’s essay-writing skills instead.
“You know me,” Hyunjin says. It sounds kind of bitter. “I’m good at bullshit. I’m good at finding the best lighting to paint myself in.”
“Isn’t it still you, though?” Seungmin says. He refuses to let Hyunjin talk shit about himself if he can help it. “We all take selfies from flattering angles. Doesn’t mean it isn’t us.”
“I don’t know,” Hyunjin says. “I know some of the stuff I write is real, but these essays really aren’t. I wish I could be as genuine as you.”
It’s so heartfelt that Seungmin wonders how much Hyunjin pretends on a daily basis. That’s a pretty sobering thought. Seungmin wishes he could go over there and give him a hug. He can’t, though, which is one of the cons of all this.
“Don’t spend too much time editing my essays,” Seungmin finally says.
“I won’t.”
After the call ends Seungmin starts typing. It feels terrible, like trying to get toothpaste out of an empty tube, but he remembers what Hyunjin told him and just gets the words on the page. It feels like lying.
He’s self-conscious about sending the essay to Hyunjin because it’s genuinely a hot mess. But he gets Hyunjin’s email out of it, and his last name, which is the final piece of information that makes Seungmin feel like Hyunjin has permanently tattooed himself into his life. Seungmin is surprisingly okay with that.
The essay comes back a day later with more corrections than words.
Seungmin
Wow you really were ruthless
Hyunjin
im sorry!!
it was good i liked reading it
most of the corrections are minor
Seungmin
Yes, and the Mariana Trench is a pothole
Hyunjin
FLSJFDFLSK
are you offended ??
Seungmin
No, thank you a lot for your help
It’s 100% better now you’re magical
Hyunjin
;-;
i’m really not lying when i said i liked reading it though
your writing voice is very you
Seungmin
As in…
Hyunjin
it’s like… blunt? and concise
you say things very directly
Seungmin
That makes me wonder what your writing voice is like
I’ve never read anything you’ve written
Can I read something of yours?
Hyunjin
akfljaldf this is nerve wracking
idk if ill be able to live up to expectations
so no
Seungmin
I’ll trade you a selfie in return.
Hyunjin
nvm
what do you want to read?
Seungmin cracks a smile. Someone take this power away from him.
Seungmin
Anything you send me is okay
Hyunjin
uhhhh
here i’ll send you this poem from my math notebook
it’s kind of unpolished is that okay?
Seungmin
You write poems in your math notebook?
Hyunjin
? What would I actually put in my math notebook? Math?
Seungmin
Understood
Send it to me.
Hyunjin
[picture]
[picture]
The Wordsmith
When I was younger
I learned words were cheap
a mouthful for a breath of air
a handful for a cut of ink.
I lined them like dominoes on a page,
watched the paper curl into three dimensions
built miniature apartments from stories
to keep me company.
When I was older
I learned words were powerful,
that they sliced people like blades
that they buried truths like metal masks.
I crafted a style as loud as thunder
designed a voice as strong as steel,
became someone who channeled sentences
like lightning through a metal rod.
In the day I am a wordsmith.
I make silver bullets to cut through lies
present tiger teeth to those who can’t speak
offer bone swords to those who are empty-handed.
I wear my scars of ink
as a reminder of who I am.
In the night I am just me.
I become someone quiet.
shape words into something soft.
I gift butterfly wings to the lonesome dreamer
pop glass bottles to hold feelings and memories
erect a stone bridge to the kingdom of your heart.
Tell me, when I leave the forge, that
I will have a place to call home.
Seungmin
Wow
Your writing voice is very you, too.
Hyunjin
?? I don’t know what that means???
It’s beautiful , Seungmin thinks, but does not say.
Hyunjin
anyway
keep your end of the bargain
selfie?
Seungmin
[picture]
Hyunjin
nice doing business with you ~
WHEN will you admit you’re cute??
Seungmin
Never. I’m not.
---
November 1 rolls around in all its deadlined glory. Seungmin manages to get all of his early applications submitted two days in advance, so the day is a normal one for him, a freezing autumn wind blowing on his way to school and the clouds as puffy as cotton candy up in the skies.
He submitted to four schools in total: UIUC, which he applied for so meticulously; Purdue and Wisconsin-Madison, which are in neighboring states and he doesn’t think he’ll actually attend; and UIC, which is another University of Illinois campus, located in Chicago.
Seungmin isn’t Hyunjin. He didn’t apply to Harvard. But his most shameful Google search, worse than plane tickets to California, is one for small schools around Harvard, schools Seungmin might be able to get into. He only looked for half an hour before shutting his computer down.
He won’t mess with his future, or take advantage of his family, for anyone.
Seungmin figured the fervor at his school would die down after November 1, but it doesn’t. He officially gives up after this, and in the ten-minute wait to AP Bio he doesn’t bother to partake in conversation, opting to stick his earbuds in and blast Day6’s Unlock album until they’re ushered into the classroom.
It turns out UIC has rolling admissions, which means a few days after Seungmin submitted, he finds a red packet in the mailbox announcing that he got in. “One out of four,” his mom says, when he puts it in front of her. “Congratulations! I didn’t even know they gave out answers this fast.”
“Me neither,” Seungmin says. He’s smiling— he’s guaranteed somewhere to go in the fall, now. And for him that’s enough. He can wait for all the other decisions to come out in peace.
It’s seven o’clock in the evening when Seungmin gets a call from Hyunjin, right at the end of Seungmin’s shift at the Coffee Stop. They never talk at this time— it’s five o’clock over there, doesn’t Hyunjin have swim practice? Seungmin wonders if something is wrong as he hits answer.
“Hello?”
“Seungmin. Seungmin ,” Hyunjin says, voice lowered into a whisper and shot through with excitement. “I’m hiding in the bathroom and I gotta make this fast but I got news .”
Well, that explains why Hyunjin’s whispering. “Okay, what’s up?”
“My older sister lives in New York, I’m not sure if I ever told you about her, but we’re visiting her over winter break,” Hyunjin says. “I just found out that we’ll have a layover in O’Hare en route.”
It takes a moment for Seungmin to register his words. “Oh,” he says faintly. O’Hare airport is not exactly where he lives, but it’s pretty close. He could drive there easily. And Hyunjin is visiting.
“We haven’t hashed out the details yet but I just needed to tell you that. Okay I gotta head back to swim practice now, I’ll see you,” Hyunjin says, and the call cuts off.
Seungmin reels. For a few hours, the distance between them will be cut from two thousand miles to twenty. He doesn’t want to miss the opportunity. He wants to meet Hyunjin so badly he never even let himself truly consider it because the reality would hurt too much. But now it’s different.
There’s so many wishes in him that if he was cut open right now he might bleed dandelion seeds.
---
Twenty miles, however, is still several miles, and he isn’t sure he’d be able to leave unnoticed, especially since it turns out the layover is from 5 to 9 PM.
None of his family knows about Hyunjin— his parents don’t approve of online friendships and Seungmin hasn’t told Chan. Seungmin briefly considers Felix to use as an excuse again but Seungmin also would not like to add onto his list of lies to maintain.
Sneaking to O’Hare and conning his whole family is really not his thing.
So during Thanksgiving Break— which is thankfully the same for both Chan and Seungmin, although Seungmin’s is shorter because he still has to go to school on Monday and Tuesday for some strange reason— Seungmin bundles up his courage, throws a pillow at Chan, and says, “Hey, I have something I need to tell you.”
“Hmm?” Chan says, looking up from his laptop. “What’s up?”
Seungmin wonders the extent of what he should tell. Seungmin and Hyunjin aren’t dating but they’re not just friends either, and Seungmin definitely likes him, and Hyunjin likes him back, and oh this is so awkward. He should have thought this out more.
“So I met this guy on the internet, he lives in California,” Seungmin says, feeling like he’s stepping off a precipice. Now that he’s said it, he can’t take the words back. “We’ve been talking for about… half a year.” Shit, it’s been that long already?
“Oh, that explains why you were on your phone so often,” Chan says, nodding. “I thought you were running a Day6 fan account or something.” There’s no judgment in Chan’s voice and it makes things a bit easier.
“That’s a valid guess,” Seungmin says. “But so, this guy, he’s visiting his older sister in New York over winter break, and he has a layover at O’Hare.”
Chan squints. “So… you want to meet him.”
“I do.”
“Our parents don’t know about this.”
“They don’t.”
Chan sighs, and does the thing where he runs his hand through his hair because Seungmin is being a conventional younger sibling and driving him up the wall (it’s not something that happens often, so Seungmin supposes it’s a win). “Isn’t a layover only a few hours, anyway?” he asks. “You’ll only see him for a moment.”
Seungmin fidgets, uncomfortably. “I mean”— A moment is better than nothing, and I don’t know if we’ll ever get anything else. — “I guess it would just be cool.”
“Your face is really red.”
Shit. “No, it’s not,” Seungmin denies.
Chan is smirking. Seungmin drafts a eulogy in his head and only asks that they play Sing Me at the funeral. “So, Seungmin, I didn’t want to push it, but like, last time I visited you were smiling a lot and you said it was because of Day6’s Japanese album but—”
“It was,” Seungmin says, staring at the ground. “I mean did you listen to it?"
“Seungmin,” Chan says, and Seungmin sighs and drops the pretense. He tells himself, Chan is friends with Minho, Chan is liberal, Chan won’t judge him. “You don’t have to lie to me.” Chan sounds sad enough at the idea that Seungmin might not trust him that Seungmin is struck with a pang of guilt.
“I’m sorry, I was trying to figure it out myself,” Seungmin says. “And he’s mostly my friend, okay? We’re not dating. I just like him.”
“Does he like you?”
Seungmin can’t hold back his smile and Chan points at him and says, “Seriously? Seriously?”
“Chan, please, shut up—”
“What’s his name? What does he look like?”
Seungmin realizes there is no way out and unlocks his phone. He is sure his face is burning enough to fry an egg at this point. “His name is Hyunjin.” He scrolls through his camera roll and stops on the first selfie that Hyunjin sent him. “This is him.”
Chan stares at the phone for a few seconds, then says, “I hate to ask this, but are you sure that’s him?”
Seungmin’s stomach drops.
He hates to answer just as much, but he supposes it’s inevitable. “Yes, we facetimed, that’s him,” Seungmin says. “I know he’s conventionally attractive. It’s not why I like him.” His voice is tired and the words hurt coming out of his mouth. He realizes that the initial assumption would be to anyone that Hyunjin is out of his league. How cruel.
“Sorry, Seungmin, that was shitty of me to say,” Chan says. “I was just checking.”
“It’s okay.”
“So… you guys are are meeting up.”
Now they are finally back to the starting point. Goddamn, this full circle was a rollercoaster. “Yeah. I know it’s not going to be anything dramatic. His parents are going to be there,” Seungmin says. “I was actually going to ask you to come with.”
Chan looks surprised at this. “That was what I was going to ask you,” Chan says. Seungmin shrugs. He’s loopy nowadays but not that loopy, it would be better if Chan accompanied him from a safety and cover-up standpoint.
“Don’t give him a shovel talk, though,” Seungmin warns. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Yet,” Chan says, and Seungmin tries to resist the urge to whack him. “And I won’t say anything to him , but as your older brother, I still have to ask y ou some questions—”
“Chan, for the love of god—”
“He doesn’t make you uncomfortable in any way, right?” Chan asks.
Seungmin sighs. “No, he doesn’t. He’s a really good friend to me.”
“And you don’t think he’s secretly a fifty-year-old man sitting in the basement eating Doritos and catfishing you?”
“Chan.”
“I trust you! I just have to make sure. Shit, I’m just trying to be responsible,” Chan says, and Seungmin figures that’s fair. “Look, if you want to meet up with him— I can tell you really want to meet up with him— then I’ll help you out. It’s just natural for me to worry.”
“You’re so old.”
“Watch it,” Chan says, but he’s joking.
“So we have a deal?”
“Yes. And I won’t tell our parents. Unless Hyunjin does something bad enough that I have to.” Chan smirks. “I can’t believe it, though, you liiiiiiiiike someone.”
“Please go back to doing whatever you were doing,” Seungmin groans. At this point he’s on the floor, staring at the ceiling. “I regret having this conversation with you.”
“Yeah but I’m really glad you told me,” Chan says, genuine, and Seungmin is kind of relieved, too, that he doesn’t have to hide this from someone close to him anymore. It feels like breathing in clean air after spending a long time with a mask over his face. Chan was kind about it, too, within all the embarrassment. That’s Chan. He’s kind.
“Wait. Wait. One last question. You guys don’t send each other nudes, right? Because—”
Seungmin takes it all back. He regrets telling Chan so much. And as for the answer to that question, the most risque picture Seungmin has sent so far has been a selfie with a strawberry filter on it, so no. He peels himself off the floor with murderous intent.
“Chan, you have ten seconds to run .”
---
Seungmin can’t believe that he’ll meet Hyunjin in person. Every time he pictures it, it’s like liquid fire shooting through his veins. He will definitely bring his camera. The airport is not a bad place to take pictures, and he hopes that he can catch the last glimmers of sunlight to paint Hyunjin in ropes of gold. That’s probably too much to ask. Days in the midwest are terribly short in winter.
Of course Seungmin is nervous, that they won’t get along in real life the way they do online, but Seungmin wants to meet Hyunjin so badly he doesn’t even care.
In the meantime Seungmin has to wait. The current mood in his academic sphere is strained and frenetic: universities will release decisions soon and finals are coming up. Lia is the most unbothered out of the people Seungmin knows. She knows she’s going to Lane College, so she isn’t fussing over acceptance rates and probability calculations.
Meanwhile, Felix looks more and more exhausted as the days pass by, although he’s forbidden himself from talking about university because, quote, “the topic is staler than hundred-day old bread.”
“Are you doing anything over Winter Break?” Felix asks, as he colors the chloroplasts on his photosynthesis diagram green, although he is definitely not supposed to be doing that.
Seungmin debates telling him and then decides, why not . “I might meet my internet friend,” Seungmin says. “The one from California.”
“Oh my god, the one you like?” Felix says. Seungmin casts a panicked glance around the room, then whacks Felix with his binder. “Holy shit. You are . I’m so excited, please tell me how it goes.”
“I will if you stop being so loud about it,” Seungmin hisses.
“I’m sorry!” Felix says, so genuine that Seungmin can’t even be mad in the first place.
On the outside Seungmin keeps his expression serene but inside he’s a hurricane: exhausted from the loop of studying and going to work, anxious for UIUC’s decision, idiotic because he’s going to see Hyunjin. Time hurtles by, too slow and too fast, Seungmin goes over his notes and takes people’s orders and listens to Day6’s new album on repeat through his cheap earbuds.
“ Some people say love/but I think there’s something more than that ,” Jae and Sungjin sing. Seungmin mouths along to the lyrics, pen scratching his notebooks when it’s late at night and the rest of the city seems asleep. “ If you know, tell me/If there isn’t, make one up/To this beautiful feeling. ”
---
Pop.
Pop pop pop.
Decisions come in one by one then all at once like popcorn exploding in a microwave. Seungmin knows that Felix really wants to go to Stanford, but December 7 comes and goes and Felix says nothing so Seungmin doesn’t ask.
On December 14 there’s a noticeable tension in school because so many of them have applied to UIUC— people might complain all they want about how it’s situated in a giant cornfield, but it is their state school. The decision comes out at 4 PM on the dot and some of his classmates have agreed to open their decisions together. Seungmin would prefer to do it alone, although he agrees to Lia when she says, “Tell me afterward if you get in.” She pauses. “But, of course you will.”
Seungmin just laughs.
He does not get to do it alone, though, because his dad comes home early and insists on opening it with him, and Seungmin freezes up with the laptop on the kitchen table as the hour hand of the clock slowly makes its way to four. He can feel his dad’s gaze boring holes into the screen, although Seungmin is sure that isn’t intentional.
Three minutes.
“Hey, I just want to say no pressure,” his dad says, which is kind of funny in its irony since his extra presence alone is creating more pressure. “If you don’t get in, we can apply to other schools. There are lots of other options. Okay?”
Seungmin hates the use of the word we , because sure, he’s glad for the support but sometimes it’s suffocating, especially when this is largely a solo endeavor. “Okay,” he agrees. And Seungmin wants to say, he has another option. He got in for computer science at UIC already. But his dad keeps forgetting that.
Silence. Two minutes. One minutes.
Seungmin logs in and clicks on the application bar. There’s this moment when he suddenly regrets everything that lead up to this moment, when time seems to freeze, but it passes too quick and the screen has loaded.
The first thing Seungmin registers is the blue and orange coloring. So he got in.
The second thing he registers is the Division of General Studies label in smaller font. So he got in, but not for computer engineering.
“You got in!” his dad says, and Seungmin closes his eyes. “I knew you could do it, you worked so hard—”
“Not for engineering,” Seungmin says.
“What?”
See, this is why Seungmin wanted to open it on his own, now he has to explain it. He points to the letters at the bottom of the screen. “I’m in the undecided track. I’m not in for computer engineering.”
His dad is silent.
Seungmin grits his teeth.
“Yeah, I’m going to go study for finals now,” Seungmin says, closing the laptop and backing out of the kitchen. His stomach hurts but not on his own behalf, but because of the disappointment all over his dad’s face. He can’t concentrate on studying, he just sends texts to Felix and Hyunjin telling them about how he sort-of got in then shuts his phone off.
He should have expected this. He knew it was something that could happen.
It turns out that a lot of people are like Seungmin, in a weird space between rejected and accepted. It was a pipe dream for many that all that anxiety and fretting about uni would be resolved by December so that second semester of senior year would be carefree.
Some people he knows aren’t rejected but deferred so that the final decision will come in March and April. Seungmin is too exhausted to care, and anyway, it’s finals week, so he fills out the scantrons as best he can, listens to music if he finishes early, and naps when he gets to go home.
Meanwhile, people cannot stop talking: Renjun Huang got into Princeton, Ryujin Shin got into MIT. Ryujin doesn’t even go to their school, she goes to Fields. Good for them, but is it really such a big deal?
Jisung texts him that he’s in for UIUC for the environmental science track, which makes Seungmin happy— he knows Jisung wanted to go there— and Hyunjin texts him to say he got deferred from Harvard, a single sentence before he changes the subject to something funny that happened at his school.
“I got deferred,” Felix finally admits. It’s Friday and they’ve both finished up their last final (biology), and for some reason they decided to wait for the buses outside, the sun reflecting off the snow like white glitter. They’re standing on the stone steps with their jackets half-zipped up. It isn’t too cold. The air is more crisp than anything.
“That sucks,” Seungmin says.
The reaction to a deferral is a funny thing because logically, the person deferred still has a go. The uncertainty is terrible, yes, but it’s technically like making it past the first round and into the second. But for some people it’s a slap in the face.
“It’s just, I saw the low acceptance rate, single-digit, but I kept on hoping it was me,” Felix says. “You grow up thinking you’re unique, and you get deferred, and you wonder why, because you worked so hard. And then you accept that everybody else worked hard, too, worked harder. And then you realize that you’re not unique at all.”
His voice grows quiet near the end, and Seungmin wonders how much it must hurt to have to switch from first to second person midway.
“I mean, I guess you’re kind of right,” Seungmin says mildly. “But you’re also so fucking wrong.”
Felix looks up, surprised— Seungmin generally doesn’t swear.
“You’re not unique because some school says you are,” Seungmin says, pulling at the straps on his backpack. “You’re unique because you’re you . I don’t know anybody else who cares about the world half as much as you do, or is half as funny and smart all at once.”
Seungmin tilts his head up at the sky, too embarrassed to look Felix in the eye. “If you didn’t befriend me and invite me to everything I would be lonely, and high school would suck so much more,” he says finally. “So don’t say shit like that to me. I won’t buy it.”
“Thank you,” Felix says, small. “I needed to hear that.”
The buses are rolling in so Seungmin stands up. “Have a good winter break,” he says.
“You too,” Felix says, and they go their separate ways.
---
Seungmin and Chan are both home now. Hyunjin’s flight is Saturday, December 23, which is the first day of Seungmin’s break— he’s still half-dead from finals but he feels this almost sick feeling of adrenaline. Before, he’d repressed his excitement so that he could concentrate on finals but now he doesn’t have those anymore.
He has a hard time falling asleep and wakes up at 4 AM anyway with his stomach in knots, gets up at 5:30 because that’s a more acceptable time to get up and fries an egg for breakfast.
Seungmin is unsure what to do with the other part of the day, because he’s been so occupied the last month that it’s strange to be on break. 11 AM he’s watching Bob Ross tutorials on YouTube in the living room and trying to follow along with a pencil (it isn’t working) when Chan wakes up as well, because when Chan does sleep he sleeps a lot.
“Is that Bob Ross?” Chan asks, blearily looking at the screen.
“Yeah,” Seungmin says, sketching a tree that looks a little more like a melted lollipop. This is why his medium is photography.
“Alright,” Chan says, and heads to the kitchen. There’s a patter of cereal hitting the bottom of a bowl, followed by a sploosh of milk. Then their dad heads to the kitchen as well with a smile on his face.
“I have a surprise I think you two will like,” he says. “Seungmin, you come here as well.”
“Oh?” Chan says through a mouthful of cereal. Seungmin obediently pauses the Bob Ross video and heads in, sitting down on a stool.
“Since you two are both on break now and you’ve both worked hard this semester, I figured we should celebrate,” their dad says. “So I got our family tickets to the Chicago Symphony Orchestra concert tonight.”
Chan’s spoon clatters into the bowl. Seungmin freezes.
This cannot be happening.
“What time?” Chan says, after a moment.
“7:00 PM,” their dad says, unaware of any pre-made plans currently going to dust. “I figure we can spend the afternoon at Chicago, too, since we’re already going… there’s the Lincoln Park zoolights that are very close, you’ll like it.”
“Oh,” Seungmin says.
“What’s wrong? You don’t look excited.”
“No, I am,” Seungmin says hastily, pasting a smile on his face, and in any other circumstances it would be genuine. Their dad doesn’t understand music but he tries, and classical music is the ground that he’ll concede. It’s not Chan’s or Seungmin’s favorite genre, but Chan has some Satie and Debussy on his playlist and Seungmin likes music of all kinds.
Plus, the Chicago Symphony Orchestra really is good, even if Seungmin wishes they didn’t exist right now.
“You already got the tickets?” Chan says, and their dad nods.
Chan looks at Seungmin.
Seungmin is running through excuses in his head, words changing before they ever make their way out of his mouth, but in the end he’s already given up. He’s trapped by the fear that if he lies their dad will find out, and then their dad will find out everything. Seungmin’s spun a web of deceit and now it’s got a hold on him too.
Goddammit, why did their dad already have to buy tickets? And how could Seungmin ever think that all this would turn out well?
Seungmin
Hyunjin I’m sorry
I don’t think I can make it
Hyunjin
why not? what happened??
Seungmin
My dad already made plans for today
He bought tickets and everything
I don’t know how to say no
Hyunjin
what kind of luck
and you can’t get out of it??
Seungmin
Yeah
Hyunjin is typing, typing, three bubbles popping up at the bottom of the screen. Seungmin almost hopes that Hyunjin will tell him what to say, just say to your dad this and fill the remaining word count with that , but they both know that if Seungmin was capable of making a good excuse he would have made one now.
Seungmin didn’t even try, but Hyunjin doesn’t know that.
Hyunjin
hnnnnnnghhhhh
the universe really fucked us over huh
Seungmin
I said this before but I’m really sorry
I wanted to meet you so much
Hyunjin
i know
don’t worry about it
now you owe me a facetime though :<
Seungmin
Will do
Hyunjin
we WILL meet sometime!
i’m manifesting it now okay
we just have to wait a little longer
The disappointment Seungmin feels is so thick it wraps around his windpipe like a chokehold, and even more than that is the guilt that almost consumes him, acid eating its way through his heart. He finishes the rest of the painting tutorial, hands shaking. Seungmin always felt like Hyunjin was on a different plane of existence, almost like a dream. It makes a sick sort of sense that no matter how close they are, they would still be too far away.
---
Seungmin resolves to put it out of his mind, since it’s already decided. He puts on his shoes that afternoon with a steadfast smile like it’s another day. In the car, Chan asks him quietly, “You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Seungmin says, and cuts a glance at Chan like drop it .
“I’m just saying, I hope that Dad got the Zoolights at Lincoln Park correct,” Chan comments, loud and distracting. “Remember last year’s Clown Fountain incident?”
From the front, their mom cracks up. Last year when they went to Chicago their dad swore up and down that they needed to go visit Clown Fountain , despite the confusion of both Chan and Seungmin. “It’s two clowns that spew out water,” their dad insisted, until they finally got to Millenium Park to see what he was talking about and Chan said, “Oh, you meant Crown Fountain!”
They family still hasn’t let that go, and probably never will. “Maybe he meant the Shoelights at Lincoln Park,” Seungmin says sagely, around the lump in his throat. “You know, it’s neon boots strung all around the area, very festively.”
It’s just a joke. The Zoolights at Lincoln Park are, in fact, gorgeous, fairy lights strung everywhere. It’s a photographer’s dream, but today Seungmin can take pictures only halfheartedly. It’s cold, he says, when their mom asks if anything is up— moms are insanely astute about that sort of thing— and is very quiet otherwise.
For dinner they go to the Water Tower Place, which is absolutely delicious and expensive and Seungmin wishes they went at a happier time because this kind of thing is once-a-year. Instead he just focuses on choking down some noodles through the protests of his stomach.
The noodles are good. Seungmin almost feels better by the time they get to the Symphony Center. He has a fast recovery time — by tomorrow, he knows that he truly will be fine— but today he has to pretend. The Symphony Center is gorgeous, all royal red velvet seats and high golden ceilings, and he ends up talking to the old man sitting next to him who seems delighted to find youth that enjoys classical music. Seungmin is not about to burst his bubble, so he nods and pretends he wouldn’t rather headbang to korean pop-rock alone in his room.
The repertoire is slightly winter-themed as it is the holidays, and, okay— the issue with classical music for Seungmin is that while it is incredibly beautiful, he generally listens to it while also doing something else. He is a casual listener, not a fanatic. As the time stretches he looks at his watch and he feels like he’s fallen off a precipice.
Hyunjin’s layover has almost ended.
They are double-digit miles away from each other and even now if Seungmin left it wouldn’t matter with the traffic and darkness. He swallows. The room is big and grand and it feels like a golden cage. He wishes he was at the airport. He should have fought harder, shouldn’t have given up so easily, but he can’t turn back time.
How could he have given up so easily…
The little window where they share a city passes by, faster than an eclipse. The song playing is incredibly bittersweet. Scenes flash by: now Hyunjin is boarding the plane to New York, now the pilot is telling the passengers to buckle their seatbelts, now the plane is gliding down the runway and taking off. All Seungmin can do is listen to the melody.
By the time Seungmin walks out of the building Hyunjin is long gone, up somewhere with the stars in the night sky.
---
Winter break is okay.
On Christmas, Seungmin spends the afternoon over at Jeongin’s house. Jeongin insists on making chocolate-chip cookies, and they actually come out fine because Seungmin abides by recipe, although Jeongin adds sprinkles into the batter just because he “feels like it.”
“These cookies looked like a rainbow vomited in them,” Jeongin comments.
Seungmin raises an eyebrow. “You were the one who wanted to add the sprinkles.”
“I’m not complaining , I’m just commenting ,” Jeongin says. “Hey, do you think this one kind of looks like a grumpy man?” He holds the cookie up to Seungmin’s face.
“Kind of,” Seungmin agrees. The more he looks, the more he sees it, a grumpy man decked out in pride attire, and Seungmin and Jeongin are both unable to eat it out of respect, so the grumpy man cookie goes in the trash where he’ll hopefully live out his life to the stalest extent.
For gifts, Seungmin gives Jeongin a 100-pack of cheap mechanical pencils because Jeongin says his pencils always disappear into the void, and Jeongin sends him an audio recording of himself singing Everglow . Seungmin suspects that this is less out of thoughtfulness and more because Jeongin is broke, but Seungmin loves that song and he loves Jeongin’s singing voice so Seungmin has zero complaints.
Seungmin isn’t expecting presents from his parents, since Christmas has never been that big of a thing for their family, which is why, when he gets back home, he’s surprised to see his mom with a thin square wrapped in red.
It’s an album. That’s what Chan usually gives him.
“I played rock-paper-scissors against your brother to decide who got to give it to you,” she says. “I won.”
Wonpil’s face stares at him from the CD. Seungmin wonders if their mom accidentally got the Wonpil version, there’s a one out of five chance she’d pick it, or if Chan told her that Wonpil was Seungmin’s bias, or if she knew all by herself. He hopes it’s the last one.
He tapes the Wonpil card to his wall. At least Wonpil will never fail him.
The rest of winter break is not that great. Since UIUC didn’t take Seungmin for the computer engineering program, and he hasn’t heard back from Wisconsin-Madison or Purdue yet, his dad asks him to apply to more schools.
Seungmin already got into UIC for computer engineering and at this point he doesn’t care where he is going. The illusion of having more options is just that, an illusion, how does it matter when he doesn’t have a dream school and computer engineering is a chore? But he pries open the application window anyway, feeling like somebody who’s opening Pandora’s box back up just when they thought that shit was finally closed.
He is also kind of worried. Hyunjin’s replies slow down to once a day, to once every other day, several hours after Seungmin texts anything. He hopes that Hyunjin is doing okay.
New Year’s arrives, another year.
Hyunjin
happy new year’s seungmin
it’s midnight there for you now right?
i can’t believe i got to meet you in 2018…
you have no idea. i was so lucky
i hope you get everything you want next year
sleep well
January comes. The holidays are over and ice blankets the ground. The clouds are thick and gray in the sky, laden with the promise of another incoming snowfall. When you step out it’s like the world is holding its breath, not a single sound in the distance.
Radio silence. Seungmin’s phone falls quiet as well.
Notes:
chapter count has been bumped up because somewhere in my exceedingly aggressive editing process (this is what happens when you don't have a beta reader) the last chapter got split in half.
anyway if you are here with me right now we have reached the halfway point! there's a bit of turbulence up ahead~
Chapter 6
Notes:
minor change: the song seungmin and hyunjin meet on has changed from "goodbye winter" to "hi hello" because i feel like they should meet on a hello song and not a goodbye one. i love goodbye winter it's just SO SAD
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Hyunjin stops messaging him.
Seungmin is worried about the dead quiet on the other end— because what if something happened?— but then Seungmin checks Twitter three days later and sees that Hyunjin has posted. Hyunjin’s fine, just not talking to him. Okay.
On one hand, Seungmin is relieved, but it does make him wonder what’s going on. He messages Hyunjin a few times trying to initiate a conversation, but there’s no reply. Seungmin is not one to overthink— he knows Hyunjin is busy and that he has his own life over there, there’s been times when Hyunjin’s dropped off for a day or two before.
This is different. Excessive.
And although Seungmin has a strong mentality, with Hyunjin it’s less an issue of the mind and more of the heart, so the quiet has more of an effect than he wishes. He goes to check his inbox every time a new notification pops up, finds it not-Hyunjin, and feels like a deflated balloon every time.
He feels like an idiot, like a teenager in the worst way. He can’t believe someone else can have such an effect on his mood. The worst part is that it hurts. Seungmin looks at his recent messages, and wonders if he said something wrong, or if it will look bad if he sends another text because the other has even ignored his DM and email. Seungmin would like to think Hyunjin wouldn’t disregard him just because they didn’t get to meet, but nowadays it seems a possibility.
Seungmin’s chest weighs heavy, his stomach a ball of knots. So this is what it’s like to be heartsick.
---
School is always there, so Seungmin does his best to study. His mom keeps asking if something is wrong — “you seem a bit unhappy, that’s all.” He tells her not to worry and puts on a smile, then goes to finish another worksheet.
The skies are all gray now. Midwestern winters get flack for their frigidity, but Seungmin is less bothered by the cold and more by the lack of sunlight. It’s gloomy and dismal, the nights so dark they eat through your soul. Seungmin shuts his phone off, not wanting to conduct another check to see that his notifications haven’t changed.
Suddenly Day6 songs are hitting a lot closer to home. It’s an old fandom joke that someone must have hurt Young K a lot for him to write such sad lyrics, but Seungmin never minded it until now.
It’s such a dramatic thought and he hates it. A while ago, when Hyunjin had been messaging him, Seungmin felt a sense of euphoria. Now with the radio silence he’s suffering the opposite end of the spectrum. It isn’t just because of his crush. He just cares about Hyunjin, plain and simple, and the other isn’t talking to him.
At least he isn’t the only one suffering. “Hey,” Felix says, as he turns the ribosomes on his DNA worksheet into tiny storm troopers. “I cut things off with Eric.”
It snaps Seungmin out of his attempts to memorize the ridiculous list of enzymes involved in transcription and translation— he swears this is even more complicated than photosynthesis— and says, “You what? Why?”
“Eric got into NYU.” Felix shrugs. “I don’t want to hold him back, you know?”
“You wouldn’t hold him back,” Seungmin says, surprised. Felix, the kindest, most morally aligned person on the planet, hold somebody else back ? It’s unlikely. “If that’s your only reason you really have to reconsider.”
Felix sighs. “It’s just we’re going to college soon, right? We’ll both end up meeting people at university and it’s highly unlikely that we’ll last.” Felix reaches up to check his pulse. “Long distance doesn’t work out.”
Seungmin wishes he could go back to the time when he didn’t know why long distance didn’t work out, but now he’s got a pretty good picture.
“This is so sad, I ran out of ribosomes,” Felix whines.
“Oh no, you’ll actually have to start the worksheet now,” Seungmin says, and shoves Felix lightly. He wants to tell Felix it will be alright but stays silent. He knows Felix will be alright, but can’t promise anything about the relationship.
Because the truth is long distance is hard.
Seungmin can’t just barge over to Hyunjin’s house and ask what’s wrong. He can’t give Hyunjin a hug, or read his body language. Seungmin felt secure when they were texting back and forth, but he didn’t register that their phones were the only way they could talk. If one person cuts off the connection that’s it. It’s dead. A conversation doesn’t go one way.
Internet friends are real. Seungmin knows that. But in a way, they’re real only in one’s mind. Seungmin has never met Hyunjin, even though Seungmin is sure that somewhere in San Francisco Hyunjin exists. All he has are Hyunjin’s messages and a few pictures of his face. Hyunjin’s presence in his life disassociates, fading into binary and pixels, and Seungmin discovers the distinct loneliness of the empty inbox.
It’s been two weeks and there’s no sign of a response. Seungmin stops trying to call, stops sending over updates of his life. It’s funny. Technology has advanced so far that messages can travel thousands of miles in a split second, but what’s the use of that if nobody’s sending them?
---
Seungmin decides that even if this is the end, it’s fine. He’ll be fine.
Because Seungmin does have a life in Illinois. He was happy before Hyunjin, and even though Hyunjin turned the world technicolor, Seungmin is content with a life shaded in with a regular rainbow, even if it seems black and white right now. Seungmin can’t live constantly looking through a lens to California, especially if the lens is capped.
But dammit he still cares—he cares about Hyunjin, even if he can't call it love yet— and at least Hyunjin is on Twitter so Seungmin knows he’s alive.
One day Seungmin falls asleep and dreams, which he hasn’t done in awhile. He dreams that he’s sitting in the cafeteria with Felix, which is weird because that was last year’s schedule, but Seungmin doesn’t question it because, well, it’s a dream. He’s just there, eating a sandwich, and Hyunjin walks in through the door and slides in the seat across from him.
In the dream apparently this is a perfectly normal occurrence so Seungmin doesn’t realize how lucky he is. It’s just Hyunjin, jabbing an elbow into Felix’s side and saying something without sound. Dreams don’t create perfect reality, Seungmin supposes.
The lunch bell rings, silent, and Seungmin stands up to slide the sandwich wrapper in the trash. He’s about to go to another class— not sure which, since his schedule’s all messed up anyway, but Hyunjin catches up with him in the hallway.
“Hey,” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin says hi back.
They talk and the hallway becomes paved with cobblestones, and they’re surrounded with whirlwinds of fairy lights. They’re inside of the pictures Seungmin took at Lincoln Park during winter break. Hyunjin threads their fingers together, and Seungmin looks down at their interlocked hands.
Dream Seungmin is dumb but smart enough to appreciate this.
“Hey, I have a secret, but you can’t tell Seungmin,” Hyunjin says, unable to be straightforward even in this alternate reality.
“Yeah, sure,” Seungmin says.
“I miss him,” Hyunjin says. “And I’m sorry that I stayed away for so long.”
There’s a ringing in the distance. The cobblestones dissolve. The fairy lights lose their shapes, the colors fading into indistinct blobs.
Seungmin’s eyes open slowly. It’s his alarm, and he squints at the bright red numbers for a second, disoriented. And then reality sinks in. He’s in his room and he had set his alarm early so he could study before his test. He’s alone. Hyunjin is in California. Like always…
It’s always cold in January but Seungmin can physically feel the warmth in his chest cool to below-zero temperatures. He stands up and goes to the bathroom to take a cold shower even though it isn’t that kind of dream. No, this is worse. Seungmin’s subconscious is plain cruel.
The shower is so cold Seungmin can barely tolerate it, but he stands under the spray until the water running down his cheeks rids itself of salt.
---
Seungmin isn’t so happy as usual but at least his calm returned, and he’s content to wait for happiness to return as well. In the meantime he strings together good moments like glass beads: he looks forward to English where he and Lia attempt and fail to piece out sense from the nonsense that is As I Lay Dying , and Biology where Felix royally fucks up the gel electrophoresis and they both can’t stop laughing.
And Jeongin messages him reliably. They’ve known each other for so long that Seungmin knows exactly what Jeongin is going to say and it’s the sort of comfort that Seungmin likes but took for granted up till now.
At the Coffee Stop, Seungmin tries to stop scanning the crowd as they spill out of the train. He knows he won’t see who he’s looking for. And it sort of works— on the third Saturday of January, Seungmin wakes up to double-digit notifications and only figures Jeongin found some new meme format that he got carried away with.
It is not Jeongin.
Hyunjin
seungmin
seungmin i am so sorry
i know i haven’t been replying
i’m the worst
the past few weeks have been terrible
i can’t apologize enough
thank you for being here though
just
there’s been a lot of pressure
and i’ve been really confused
i haven’t really been talking to anyone
please forgive me
how are you?
are you doing well?
idk i miss you
that’s so hypocritical of me to say
but i do
Seungmin stares at his phone. It’s weird. He wanted Hyunjin to reply to him so badly, but now that Hyunjin has, all Seungmin feels is empty. Hyunjin is good with words, but words don’t necessarily mean anything.
The most precious commodity is time, and Hyunjin hasn’t talked to him for almost three weeks. Seungmin taps on the reply button but is unsure of what to say. The empty space in him fills up quickly, with relief that Hyunjin is here, with anger that disappears almost immediately because it isn’t anger. It’s hurt. There’s so much hurt bleeding through his veins that he can’t muster a coherent sentence.
In the end, he pockets his phone, leaving Hyunjin on read.
---
Seungmin re-reads Hyunjin’s messages a few times. As he does so a new notification pops up.
Chan
YO SEUNGMIN
i’ve been meaning to ask you but like
are you okay now? you seemed sad during break
Seungmin
Not sure but it’s fine
I’m good at being okay.
Chan
? what does that mean
if you’re sad you’re sad don’t pretend otherwise
do you want to call me? my roommate is out
Seungmin
Sure.
Seungmin isn’t surprised Chan noticed— he’s ridiculously astute when it comes to picking up other people’s moods. He probably would’ve figured out Seungmin liked Hyunjin a lot sooner if he wasn’t always at university.
The thing is that Seungmin doesn’t need to call Chan, but it isn’t just for himself. Chan likes to take care of others. He hates not being able to fix someone else’s sadness. And obviously that isn’t possible all the time, but Chan would still prefer if at least Seungmin trusts him with a problem.
Fortunately, it checks out: Seungmin is adept at standing up straight, but Chan’s one of the few people he’ll allow himself to lean on.
The phone rings twice and then Chan picks up. “What’s up?”
“Before you go all advice on me,” Seungmin warns, “let me just say it is not that bad.”
“Is it Hyunjin?”
… Sometimes Seungmin really hates the lengths of Chan’s astuteness. “Am I that predictable?”
He can almost hear Chan’s apologetic smile in his tone. “I mean, I read people better than most.”
“Don’t try to make me feel better.” The whole thing already feels so dramatic—what, someone isn’t replying to him? Well, he supposes that Hyunjin has replied to him by now, but it just serves to hurt more. Seungmin hates this. It’s all so seventeen.
“Is it because you didn’t get to meet?”
“No.” That only hurt for a day. Sometimes circumstances are just unfortunate.
“What’d he do then?” Chan asks. “Do I need to buy plane tickets to beat him up?”
“I’ve looked up the prices, they’re expensive,” Seungmin says, laughing. He’s got to find something funny about this or else it will just be too sad. “You don’t need to beat him up. It’s stupid, he just didn’t respond to me for three weeks.”
“Hell yeah I’m beating him up.”
“Don’t, he probably had his reasons.” Seungmin stares at the lights, held to the ceiling with duct tape. “He texted me yesterday, saying sorry.”
“Did you reply?”
“No.”
“Why? I mean, I’m not judging you. I just want to know.”
“Ten percent I don’t want to respond to him so quickly when he left me on read for three weeks,” Seungmin says. “The other ninety percent… I don’t know what to say. Because it really hurt. Hey, how about we don’t talk about this?”
“I retract my statements about beating him up, that doesn’t set a good example,” Chan says. “Look— Seungmin. Maybe you should tell him what you’re telling me, that you’re hurt, and that he shouldn’t do it again. Unless you already said something like that.”
Seungmin twists his mouth. “And if he does do it again?”
“I mean… I don’t know,” Chan says quietly. “You know what you always hear about communication being important, I guess that’d be really true for you. Because if I’m not wrong, communication is all you have.”
Seungmin thinks about the dead silence of their phones for the past weeks. He thinks that to love someone is to set a fire: it can be a bright wildfire that burns uncontrollably until it dies down and leaves only destruction in its wake, it can be a soft campfire that keeps you warm for the rest of your life. Or it can fade until it’s only a faint glow of ash and ember before crackling down to nothing.
Seungmin didn’t even get to set a flame yet, it was only sparks and the promise of kindling. He had hoped secretly that it wouldn’t end there. But it can’t keep going if the other side won’t reply.
Even more than that, he just wants to keep Hyunjin in his life.
“Wait, did you ever say that you were dating?” Chan asks. “Or are you still in that weird in-between zone?”
“Still in that weird in-between zone.”
“You guys really need to get that shit figured out,” Chan comments.
“Don’t I know it.”
“You sound really uncomfortable,” Chan snorts, and Seungmin laughs. “Am I right about that?”
“Yes, Chan, you are right, you are always right,” Seungmin says, rolling his eyes.
“Fine, then I’ll just say this. You know I have long-distance friends myself, alright? A rule of thumb I go by is to reply by twenty-four hours, and the friendship usually stays solid, with some exceptions depending on how close we originally were.”
Seungmin picks at a thread on his jeans, listening.
“It doesn’t always work out. I’ve fallen out of touch with a lot of people because we just don’t keep in contact,” Chan says. “Sometimes you have to decide whether a friendship is worth keeping.”
Seungmin sits up, resting his chin on his knees. “Why does this sound like so much work?” He doesn’t know why he’s asking— he’s never minded hard work. Maybe it’s because this is for something he never knew he would have to work for, especially not at this age.
“Because a lot of times relationships don’t happen naturally, they require effort,” Chan says, sounding wiser than he has any business to be. “Ask Hyunjin to send you a reply every twenty-four hours. If he can’t do that, then, well, a friendship is a two-way street. You might have to let him go.”
It pains Seungmin, the idea of letting Hyunjin go, but what Chan says makes sense. “Okay. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“I’m done, you can go now,” Chan says.
“You know if that engineering thing doesn’t work out, you could always become a therapist,” Seungmin says wryly.
“Nah, I’d get way too invested in my patients’ lives,” Chan says, sounding like he has thought about this before. “Anyway I don’t need to be a therapist, you can get my wise advice for free.”
“Alright, now you’re pushing it,” Seungmin deadpans. “See you.”
“Good luck with your love life,” Chan sing-songs, and the phone clicks shut before Seungmin can tell him to shut up.
---
HJ @hyunfortunately 7h
2012 was a fever dream we really thought the end of the world depended on when gangnam style hit 1B views and we didn’t even stop watching it
HJ @hyunfortunately 2h
do you ever just. royally fuck up one of the best parts of your life just by being you? asking for a friend
Hyunjin is typing something. Seungmin can see the three dots on the screen. They dance up and down for an indefinite amount of time before disappearing. Seungmin turns the phone over in his hands and hits call.
Two and a half rings and Hyunjin picks up. “Audio check,” Seungmin says, because they might be weird right now but they still have to make sure their phones are working.
“I can hear you,” Hyunjin says. “Hi.”
“Hey.”
And now they actually have to make conversation. Oh, it isn’t supposed to be this hard.
“Listen, Seungmin— I messed up,” Hyunjin says.
“You did,” Seungmin agrees.
“If you don’t want to talk to me anymore because of it, I’ll understand—”
“Whoa whoa whoa, stop right there, you did fuck up but it was because you didn’t talk to me, so what the hell makes you think I want to stop now?” Seungmin says. “Hyunjin, I’m not mad at you, but I want to know what happened.”
“I…” Hyunjin is quiet for a moment. “I got stuck in my head. Sometimes it happens.”
“Okay,” Seungmin says. “I’m gonna need a bit more of an explanation.”
There’s a long silence on the other end. Seungmin waits.
“You know I got deferred from Harvard,” Hyunjin says. “And I acted like it was no big deal but my parents were so disappointed in me. My sister got into Princeton on the first round and I kept on feeling like… my parents messed up on the second go.”
“Oh,” Seungmin says, soft. Hyunjin’s tone pains him. It sounds like he’s slicing into himself to get the words out.
“And my classmates, I guess some of them see me as arrogant like I think I’m better than everyone else and, people like to see others fall, so I got deferred and it’s… really cutthroat here. Some people will act nice to my face then say absolute shit behind my back. That I’m nothing more than my parents’ doing and a pretty face.”
The sentence hitches at the end, Hyunjin is trying to stop himself from crying and Seungmin wants to reach over, pull Hyunjin’s head to his shoulder and let Hyunjin cry into the fabric of his shirt, but he can’t. “Do you believe that?” Seungmin says.
“I don’t know,” Hyunjin says. “I’m not you, Seungmin. I’m always thinking about what people say about me.”
“They’re wrong.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I think you underestimate me.”
“And you overestimate me,” Hyunjin says. “I am like that, Seungmin. I don’t know why the hell you talk to me, and why you care about me, I didn’t know what to say to you for the past few weeks because you’re better off without me.”
“No, you’re not allowed to say that. You’re not allowed to tell me how to feel about you.” Hyunjin is on the phone with him for the first time since New Year’s and Seungmin isn’t going to let him go. Seungmin might be far away but he’ll try his best to pry Hyunjin out of the walls of his mind, grab his hand and pull him up from the ground.
“I was miserable when you weren’t talking to me,” Seungmin says. “And that’s a feat, because I’m not someone to be miserable. You know how awful it was sending all those messages and not getting any response? Not getting to hear about how you were doing? I was so worried.”
“That’s only because you’re used to talking to me.”
“No, it’s because I care about you. I care about you so much sometimes I can hardly believe it myself.” Seungmin is ripping himself open to make his point so he hopes the message is getting through. “Every day, I think about how lucky the people around you are to know you. I wish I could be one of them.”
He isn’t Hyunjin. He isn’t magic with his words. He can only be honest about how he feels.
“I think that about you, too,” Hyunjin says, so quiet Seungmin can’t hear it.
“Then please stay with me,” Seungmin says. “I promise you only make my life better.”
Hyunjin laughs, defeated. “You know I missed your voice so much. You’re using this against me.”
Seungmin smiles. He didn’t know his voice even was a persuasion factor but he isn’t complaining if it works. Hyunjin is selfless; Seungmin is selfish, he admits it, he wants to keep Hyunjin. But don’t all relationships need a bit of selfishness, it’s a little like gravity, to stay in each other’s orbits.
Until the day Hyunjin gets tired of him, Seungmin won’t give him up.
“I think I feel a little better today,” Hyunjin says. “It was so bad a week ago.”
“This doesn’t happen often, right?” Seungmin says. Hyunjin’s always had a touch of insecurity in his messages, and sometimes the self-deprecation is a bit much, but he hasn’t had it so uncontrolled before. Chan had a phase with psychology books and Seungmin read some of them as well, if Hyunjin struggles like this all the time then it’s probably something a therapist should handle.
“I don’t think so,” Hyunjin says. “I just, I know I’m not thinking logically right now, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Seungmin says.
To be honest, this whole conversation is uncomfortable and makes him want to hide inside a shell. It would be so easy now to change the topic to something simple, like they always talk about. But Seungmin is also so relieved to finally discuss everything that’s been going on, to air everything out into the open, and he figures while he’s being honest he might as well go the whole way.
“Hyunjin, I want to tell you something,” Seungmin starts. “It isn’t something I tell people much.”
“Please go ahead.”
“A little more than a year ago, my grandpa died,” Seungmin says. “I loved him, of course, he was so funny and gave really great hugs. And when he died I was so sad. But my mom, it hit her especially hard, especially because my grandma died when my mom was twelve so for a long time my grandpa was all she had.”
“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin says.
“For a few months my mom just shut down. I used to talk to her about everything but after that it felt like she wasn’t there,” Seungmin says. “She would pretend she wasn’t sad and that everything was fine. But she was grieving so much. I didn’t know what to do.”
Seungmin tried to help her out, sometimes he brought her tea or talked about what happened at school despite the lack of reaction. One day he walked up to her with a glass of water and although she never raised her voice, she did then. “Stop!” she screamed. “Just stop! I’m sick of you, Seungmin.”
Shortly after that, she left for Korea, and around that time was when Seungmin met Hyunjin. That Hyunjin made him laugh then, Seungmin will always be grateful for the rest of his life.
“It hurt that she said things she didn’t mean, but I know she didn’t mean them. It hurt worse that she pushed me away,” Seungmin says. “I have a sore spot with that, being pushed away. So I’ll respect you if you need space but don’t push me away… I’m already two thousand miles from you so there’s nowhere much for me to go.”
“We’ll never shut up about how we’re two thousand miles from each other,” Hyunjin comments, and Seungmin laughs. “Is your mom better now?”
“Yeah, I think she is,” Seungmin says.
“That’s good,” Hyunjin says. “Thanks for telling me. I’m really sorry, by the way, for ignoring you. If I do it again, book a flight to California and kick my ass.”
“If it was so easy to book a flight to California I would have done it a long time ago,” Seungmin deadpans. “I’ll teleport over, how about that.”
“Right, why are scientists concerned with going to Mars when I can’t even visit someone who lives in my country? We’re not even on opposite coasts,” Hyunjin says. “America is too big.”
“Tell me more about how we’re two thousand miles from each other,” Seungmin says, and they both laugh. Seungmin feels lighter. He hadn’t known even known there was a weight in his chest, but now it’s lifted. They haven’t solved all their problems by a long shot but it’s nice to start.
“So you forgive me?” Hyunjin says.
“I wasn’t mad,” Seungmin says. “But I will be mad if this is a repeat thing.”
“It won’t be,” Hyunjin says. “Okay, Seungmin, I have to go now, but I’ll call you next weekend, okay? See you.”
“See you.”
---
Chan
you guys talked?
Seungmin
Yeah
Thanks
---
Hyunjin
changbin ordered me a plant
late christmas present he says smh
[picture: plant]
Seungmin
It’s cute.
Did you name it?
Hyunjin
no changbin did
her name is salami
“so it can rhyme with kkami” he said
Seungmin
I see where the rapper thing comes from
Hyunjin
right???
Seungmin
I actually had a Christmas present for you
I was going to give it to you at the airport
Hyunjin
;-; omg
maybe it’s good we didn’t meet
i didn’t get you anything
Seungmin
No worries
It’s just ingrained in me not to come to anything empty-handed
My parents always bring cheesecake / wine to any event they go to
Hyunjin
so do my parents actually
i guess the polite genes got lost in me
what was your present?
it wasn’t expensive right?
Seungmin
No it wasn’t
It was one of those pen-stylus hybrids
It says San Francisco on it
Hyunjin
i’ll get you something too when we meet then ;-;
Seungmin thinks about what Chan had said about Seungmin and Hyunjin not being friends but not being lovers, either. You guys really need to get that shit figured out.
It isn’t that Seungmin hasn’t tried.
He walked into this fully aware that there was no way it was going to go well, which sounds incredibly stupid. Maybe it is. They are long-distance, and it’s senior year, and from current events it’s clear that neither of them are in any position to date.
From the beginning Seungmin’s been hiding this from almost everyone close to him, only telling Felix because Felix shared his situation and telling Chan out of necessity. He didn’t tell his parents, and it backfired incredibly with the airport situation. Seungmin isn’t someone to break the rules and in these circumstances rules demand to be broken.
Meanwhile, Hyunjin doesn’t believe in himself, and by extension he doesn’t believe in his relationship with Seungmin either. There’s an extreme level of confidence and trust that would have to go into dating each other if they could never meet and simply had to rely on the other person’s word.
They’re not ready.
And Seungmin always knew this would have an expiration date. For god’s sake, the whole time they were flirting with each other they were applying to different universities, and of course Seungmin was aware of that. That he was going to go somewhere around here, and that Hyunjin would overshoot him for the East Coast.
What, are they really not going to look at anybody else on campus for four years or more? Hyunjin already has to shove Seungmin into the nooks and crannies of his life as is, fitting him into odd hours and train rides and the small breaks in his schedule, and Seungmin struggles to make room for Hyunjin as well. It would only get worse at university. They can’t do it. They can’t live life waiting for each other.
Seungmin knew all that and went for it anyway.
The craziest part is that he can’t even bring himself to regret it. He likes Hyunjin that much. It’s just difficult to decide what to do now.
---
Seungmin is finishing up folding the laundry the next weekend when Hyunjin, as promised, calls him. The week has been good. Seungmin couldn’t but be wary about sending a message and not getting a response, and Hyunjin’s updates were a bit mechanical at first, but they have returned to sending each other messages through the day.
“Hey,” Hyunjin says.
“Once second let me put the clothes into the cabinet,” Seungmin says. After he’s done, he picks up the phone again. “Hi.”
“I just came home from track practice,” Hyunjin says. “I’m not used to running, my legs hurt.”
Seungmin scoffs. “I think it’s unfair that you’re athletic in water and on land. Well, I guess my brother couldn’t pick just one either. But still. It’s too much.”
“Shut up, I’m not even that good,” Hyunjin says, making an aborted noise.
“I disagree.” Seungmin knows they could argue back and forth on this for the entire conversation so he switches the topic while he has the last word. “As for me, I just like to run.”
“You do? Why?” Hyunjin asks, affronted.
“Aren’t you the one on track?” Seungmin asks, smiling. “And I don’t know, it just helps clear my head.”
“I guess ,” Hyunjin says, clearly not believing him. “Hey, you should come to my track meets! You can take photos.”
Seungmin, along with being willing to give up his life savings for a ticket to California, would also give up a kidney to take photos of Hyunjin running. Partially because it’d be a good photography exercise, but mostly because Hyunjin, running. He hastily exits out of that thought like it’s a pop-up virus and says, “Yeah. I’ll bring a poster, too.”
They both laugh at that.
“I think I’m good for the rest of the year,” Hyunjin says. “I just… have to make it through second semester without dying. That should be feasible.”
“That’s been my mindset throughout the entirety of high school. It’s been working so far.” This mindset unfortunately failed to predict Hyunjin, but Seungmin has learned to accommodate for that.
“I’m gonna miss having Changbin on track with me,” Hyunjin says. “He was on math team and track, and it was really funny because our track coach hates my math team coach and vice versa, and Changbin had to make up ridiculous excuses every time he ditched one thing for another.”
“Such as?”
“There was this one time he hinted he was secretly Spiderman, and that’s why he missed a meet,” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin cracks up. “Another one where he was busting the moon landing hoax, and that’s why he couldn’t make it to practice.”
“Was he also on swim team with you?” Seungmin asks.
“He wasn’t. That would be an actual tragedy,” Hyunjin says. “He likes to say he can swim, but I was there when he nearly drowned in the kiddie pool. Might be because of his height, though. He’s short.”
Seungmin eyes the phone with doubt, even though he knows Hyunjin isn’t there to see the expression. “Maybe you’re just tall.”
“I’m not that tall.” There’s a whump on the other end that Seungmin realizes is Hyunjin falling onto his bed after his voice comes out muffled afterward. “Dammit… I’m so tired, and I have so much homework to do…”
“Why are you calling me, then?” Seungmin says, alarmed. “If you’re so busy?”
“I’ll never be too busy for you,” Hyunjin says.
Seungmin wonders how Hyunjin can say that shit without dying— it’s a scientific miracle— then thinks about how Chan had asked him where the hell Seungmin and Hyunjin were and Seungmin basically had to say he had no idea.
“Hey, Hyunjin, you never asked me out, right?” Seungmin asks. There’s a hum of affirmation on the other end, that also sounds slightly confused.
“Good,” Seungmin says. “I don’t want to go out.”
“Alright, what are you saying,” Hyunjin says, voice laced with trepidation and hurt. “You want to be friends?”
The word hits so wrong that Seungmin has to laugh. “I’ve gotta say, Hyunjin, if you act like this with all your friends I’m a bit offended.”
“That is not what I meant and you know it,” Hyunjin protests. “So, you don’t want to be friends, you don’t want to go out, then…”
“Are you serious about me?” Seungmin asks. “Be honest.”
There’s a moment of quiet. “Yeah. I really am.”
“Alright, I’m serious about you, too,” Seungmin says. The words make him uncomfortable. He can’t be casually smooth like Hyunjin so any admittance of feelings always jarrs him. But he continues away. “So let’s still be friends, but with some rules.”
“Oh, like Lara Jean and Peter did in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before ?” Hyunjin says.
“I’ve vaguely heard of that movie but I don’t know what it is.”
“No, I’m talking about the book,” Hyunjin says. “It stuck out to me because Jenny Han, the author, has this really distinct style even though fake dating is kind of an overused trope— wait, that was not my point, sorry. My point was that they made a list of rules to govern their not-relationship, is that kind of the thing you’re talking about?”
“I think so.”
“Okay, so what are your rules for me?”
Seungmin thinks for a second. “No repeat episode of ghosting me, if you need space tell me and I won’t message you for a while but otherwise shoot me at least one text per day,” he says. “And call me on weekends. Unless you’re busy, in which case tell me so as well.”
“I can do that.”
“And— if you meet someone that you’re interested in, you need to let me know,” Seungmin says. There’s a weighted silence on the other end like Hyunjin is struggling to decide whether he can follow through with that. “You know me. I wouldn’t be mad, it’s completely understandable if you ended up wanting to be with someone closer.”
It’s just a plain truth but Hyunjin’s breath hitches slightly. “I wouldn’t,” he says. “But, same goes for you. If you meet someone that you’re interested in you need to let me know too.”
“Okay.”
“Alright.”
“Any other rules for me?” Seungmin asks.
“Yes. Next time I show up at O’Hare you better be there, I swear to god,” Hyunjin says quickly, like he’s been thinking about it for a long time, even if the request is so specific as to sound mildly comical.
“I will,” Seungmin says.
“Am I still allowed to flirt with you?” Hyunjin asks. “Is that part of the rules?”
“Are you physically capable of not flirting with me at this point?” Seungmin asks, and Hyunjin dissolves into peals of laughter. “And speaking of that, you can do that anytime, so go do your homework now.”
“Okay! Okay, I will,” Hyunjin says, between laughs. “See you.”
---
February greets the midwest with a cold snap that turns the neighborhood Seungmin lives in to a freezer. It’s so cold that the air is still, that when he steps outside the wind cuts through his clothes like a knife and when he breathes his lungs frost over.
Hyunjin tells him there’s a cold snap in California as well, it’s fifty degrees over there, and Seungmin tells Hyunjin to shut up. Hyunjin has, probably in accordance to the rules, started sending Seungmin a good morning message every day, which pleases Seungmin more than he would ever like to admit.
The heater in Jeongin’s apartment breaks, so he and Seungmin go to the library as soon as it opens, filled with people probably also trying to take refuge in the warmth.
Jeongin sprawls out on the floor underneath a cubicle. “What are you doing?” he asks Seungmin, who’s carrying his laptop from table to table.
“Trying to get wifi,” Seungmin says. He finally gets two bars near the window. When he touches the glass pane, he can’t feel his fingers.
“Are you doing homework?” Jeongin asks. “I am personally not doing homework. The weather has decided that I need an off day.”
School is out, not so much a snow day as it is a cold day, with the temperatures plunging in the negatives. Seungmin’s biology teacher has sent them a brutal reminder that their bacteria transformation write-ups are still due Friday, and Seungmin is a reliable partner who won’t leave Felix hanging.
“Come on,” he mutters at the screen, where the offline symbol appears every few moments like a bad omen.
“You’re crazy,” Jeongin decides. He walks through the shelves, occasionally pulling out books at random. He flashes a cover with a yarn ball on it. “You think we should pick up knitting?”
“Didn’t we try to knit back in elementary school?” Seungmin asks. The art teacher formed a knitting club, which some of the kids in their class hijacked by turning the needles into makeshift lightsabers. Seungmin actually wanted to knit, but the club got shut down before he could make much progress.
“Yeah, I’d probably stab myself with a needle on accident,” Jeongin decides, but picks up the book anyway and settles at Seungmin’s table. Google Docs finally gets itself into an okay shape to start typing. When Seungmin focuses he tends to get hyper-absorbed, so he doesn’t hear outside noises, until Jeongin says, “Oh, I think that’s you,” and turns Seungmin’s phone over.
Hyunjin
good morning <3
Seungmin freezes.
Jeongin’s brows raise, and he asks, slowly, “Who is that?”
“That’s Hyunjin, from California,” Seungmin says. Outside the world is still. Jeongin just looks at him. “He’s my… friend.”
On that note, the screen, which has faded to black, lights up again.
Hyunjin
i miss uuuuuuuu
Seungmin makes a grab for the phone but Jeongin pulls it out of reach, expression murderous. “I feel like you’re not telling me something,” he says. “He is not your friend. We are friends, and I don’t send you heart emojis and you don’t tell me you miss me.”
“Jeongin—”
“Or are we friends?” Jeongin asks, gesturing wildly at the phone. “How long has this been going on? You haven’t said anything !”
“Keep it down, we’re in a library,” Seungmin says, because apparently even in crisis situations, courtesy kicks in. It’s not that great because Jeongin looks like he wants to kill Seungmin even more now.
“Is it because you think I’d judge?” Jeongin asks. “Do you think so low of me?”
“No, it’s not that,” Seungmin says. He has to admit that he put himself in an inconvenient situation— at some point he was going to tell Jeongin, but he waited too long and now he has to explain it because of some wildly incriminating texts. “It just never came up.”
Seungmin and Jeongin don’t talk about this stuff. They talk about music and astrology and the proper way to fold mandu (their parents disagree as well) and everything except for romance. Jeongin never explicitly tells Seungmin about liking anybody, Seungmin just infers from when Jeongin talks about someone a little more than others.
But Seungmin definitely could have mentioned Hyunjin a little more. He isn’t sure why he’s so secretive, but it probably stems from fear. He has his life in the midwest, and due to distance his thing with Hyunjin is naturally separate, and he isn’t sure how to go about mixing it all together. That mindset is problematic, and Seungmin figures it’s a good thing that Jeongin found out. Even if it’s awkward.
“How long has this been a thing?” Jeongin asks.
“Maybe since last September,” Seungmin says, wincing at the answer, and Jeongin looks like he might combust.
“What? It’s been actual months!” Jeongin snaps, shaking his head, but Seungmin can tell that after the initial shock, Jeongin isn’t actually that angry. “I mean I sort of get it but seriously?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You are the worst ,” Jeongin says.
“I am,” Seungmin agrees readily. “Forgive me.”
“Well, I guess , since you asked so nicely…” Jeongin sniffs. “But you’re getting me hot chocolate on the way back.”
“Deal.”
To Seungmin’s horror, Jeongin’s mouth twists into an evil grin and Seungmin almost wishes that Jeongin actually got mad rather than this. “So…” Jeongin says. “You have a boy sending you cute messages. Do you send them back?”
“Please stop, I have a biology write-up,” Seungmin says, struggling to keep his tone neutral. He goes back to the google doc to finish up the paragraph on plasmids, not quite sure what he’s even writing.
Jeongin wipes away a fake tear. “You’re growing up.”
Seungmin reminds himself that they’re in a library, he can’t raise his voice, and that he lives in a society, he can’t kill anyone. “I’m older than you, you demon,” he whisper-yells, and Jeongin just cackles and goes back to his knitting book.
In the afternoon Jeongin gets a text that the heater at the apartment has started up again so they leave the library. Seungmin buys the ridiculously overpriced hot chocolate from Starbucks without much mind, as this is definitely not the worst thing that Jeongin could have extorted from him.
“Can I meet him?” Jeongin asks.
“Sure, you can buy the plane tickets,” Seungmin says dryly, and turns up the volume on the radio.
“I don’t mean that,” Jeongin scoffs. “I mean like over video-call or something.”
Seungmin considers this. “I’ll ask him,” he says. He wonders if Hyunjin would agree to that. He wonders if he wants Hyunjin to agree to that.
---
Hyunjin does agree and Seungmin relays the message to Jeongin. It works out fine because the next weekend is Jeongin’s birthday. Well, Jeongin’s actual birthday falls on a Friday, but since there’s school the celebration is rounded to the weekend.
Jeongin invites his friends to hang out at the nearby indoor pool, an informal thing. Seungmin swims and eats the pizza that they get from the cafeteria and has a good time. He likes other people’s birthdays, the secondhand joy. Afterward Jeongin and Seungmin head back to Jeongin’s apartment to watch a movie and cut the cake.
Jeongin’s parents let him drive someone else for the first time, and Seungmin tries not to feel terrified, sitting in the passenger seat with Jeongin at the wheel. Logically he knows that Jeongin knows how to drive, but Seungmin has been friends with the other too long not to have some qualms about Jeongin hitting a mailbox and/or killing them.
After they get back to Jeongin’s apartment— both of them are in one piece, to both Seungmin’s relief and disbelief— Jeongin steps out onto the curb in the twenty degree weather and says, “Hey, Seungmin, isn’t it so warm outside?”
“Sure is,” Seungmin agrees.
They’re only exaggerating a bit. After the polar vortex, any kind of double-digit temperature feels like summer.
They look for movies and decide to watch Crazy Rich Asians , because Jeongin has been meaning to see it but never got around to it. At the mahjong scene Jeongin has to pull his phone out to Wikipedia it because neither of them knows how mahjong works, and they both smile at the ending.
After the credits roll, Jeongin whacks his arm and says, “Let’s call Hyunjin now.”
Seungmin sighs. He’d thought Jeongin had forgotten about it, but of course not.
They’re alone in the living room, as by now both Jeongin’s parents have gone to bed. Neither of them keeps tabs on Jeongin anyway, as the most rebellious thing he has ever done is add too much cooking wine to a dish on accident. Seungmin pulls out his phone and presses call.
“Yes, I’m gonna third wheel your phone call,” Jeongin says, rubbing his hands together with all the power of someone who now has unlimited ammo over their friend.
“If anything, he’d be third-wheeling, since he’s over in San Francisco,” Seungmin retorts. The phone bloops and Hyunjin’s face appears onscreen. Jeongin leans over and Seungmin can see the wheels turning in his head as to how to maximize embarrassment.
“Hi,” Seungmin says. The screen glitches, rights itself. “This is Jeongin. It was his birthday yesterday so we are currently celebrating.”
“Oh, happy belated birthday!” Hyunjin says. “It’s nice to meet you. Seungmin talks about you a lot.”
“Nice, I’ve heard about you, too,” Jeongin says, using a voice that frankly he didn’t have to use. Seungmin kicks him in the shin. “Hyunjin, right?”
“Yeah.” Hyunjin runs a hand through his hair. “Are you guys doing anything over there?”
“Not really, we just finished watching Crazy Rich Asians,” Jeongin says, and turns the webcam to show the credits rolling across the screen. “Have you seen it?”
“Yeah,” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin can tell Hyunjin is muting his enthusiasm because Crazy Rich Asians is (1) a stellar rom-com and (2) is a big win for every Asian-American out there, crazy rich or no, and Hyunjin has expressed his excitement for it at least twice in the past. “It’s one of the only times the movie was better than the book.”
“Oh yeah, I tried to read the book, it wasn’t that good,” Jeongin says, and Seungmin is still embarrassed but at least no one is left out. Honestly if Seungmin ends up being the third wheel he wouldn’t mind, as long as Jeongin doesn’t say anything too incriminating.
The conversation shifts from the movie to the soundtrack and it turns out that Hyunjin and Jeongin have similar taste in music; both like H.E.R. and agree that Tomorrow, Today by JJ Project needs more views. Somehow Seungmin ends up getting made fun of for his Day6 obsession, which is honestly a fair outcome.
“Hey, I like Tomorrow, Today , too,” Seungmin protests, which is the last thing he says before they have to say their goodbyes, as it’s getting late here and Hyunjin has work.
As soon as the call has safely disconnected, Jeongin thumps his head on the couch. “Oh, that was awful, he likes you so much,” he says. “When is anyone going to look at me like that?”
“For the love of god, Jeongin—”
“Is he CGI? Is that how it happened?”
“Pretty sure the answer to that is no.”
“I’m so upset,” Jeongin says, and Seungmin can only roll his eyes and let Jeongin finish with the dramatics.
---
On February 14, Seungmin and Hyunjin manage to be online at the same time in the morning, Seungmin texting from the bus and Hyunjin from an all-nighter. Hyunjin spends most of it yelling about how Fruit Loops are superior to Cheerios, although he admits the apple cinnamon ones are nice.
Seungmin is surprised. He thought that Valentine’s Day would matter to Hyunjin as Hyunjin is a romantic, but Hyunjin dismisses it as a capitalist scheme that he doesn’t care for.
Seungmin
I don’t know
I think it’s kind of sweet
Hyunjin
?? really?
that’s so unexpected
Seungmin
Same could be said for you.
Hyunjin
maybe we switched personalities today
next thing you’ll type in lowercase and i’ll capitalize my sentences ;-;
Seungmin
omg maybe ;-;
Hyunjin
OK OK STOP THAT’S WEIRD
Orchard High sells flowers and candygrams from a table in the Main Hall, as it does every year. The pink carnations are pretty and Seungmin rummages around his bag for spare change and buys three. He gives one to Lia and one to Felix, and the other he sticks in his bag.
“Thanks for the flower,” Lia says, who arrives at English with it stuck behind her ear. “It’s just a nice feeling to have a flower to carry around, you know?”
Actually, Seungmin mildly understands this. “Dude, I get that. No one even gave me this carnation, I bought it myself, but it’s still an ego boost to have it in my backpack.”
“It’s nicer to have a friend give you flowers than a lover, anyway,” Lia comments. “With a lover it’d be a courtesy thing.”
Felix leaves a candygram in Seungmin’s locker. Seungmin opens the folded note next to the Twix just to see the words “YEET - Felix” written across the fancy paper.
It’s a good day. As Seungmin said, he isn’t a romantic, but he isn’t a cynic, either, and Valentine’s Day has always been kind to him. In elementary school they got cupcakes and although they’re in high school now there are still some teachers that do something like it— in Stats, Mrs. Jaron brings candies to demonstrate a chi-squared test before letting the class eat them.
And every February 14, Seungmin’s dad gives his mom a bouquet of flowers. Hyunjin can call that a capitalist scheme all he likes; Seungmin thinks it’s cute.
When he checks his inbox after at night, he finds, of all things, an email from Hyunjin.
From: [email protected]
Seungmin,
I’m typing this on the bus on the way home from my swim meet. I still think Valentine’s Day is a capitalist scheme but writing is free so I’ll send you the closest thing to a letter I can. E-mail is so antiquated it’s basically a letter, right? Is that too gen-z to say?
Anyway this is lame and you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. I’ll keep it relatively short. I just want to say that I’m really glad you like Day6 and I’m really glad whoever was in charge of the background music at the store last March likes Day6 too. I got to meet you because of that. Sort of meet. I hope we actually meet at some point.
I’m always looking at plane tickets to Illinois. I really want to hold your hand. That’s on my bucket list, hold Seungmin’s hand. Which is really embarrassing. Anyway, I like you a lot (I’m pretty sure that’s obvious) and I hope you have a nice 2/14.
- Hyunjin
Seungmin sends an email back— it makes his face burn and will fortunately never see the light of day outside his inbox— before he goes downstairs and gives the carnation to his mom. It doesn’t match his dad’s bouquet of lilies at all, but his mom’s face still blooms with a smile.
---
It’s still winter, still fucking cold, but there’s a slight shift in the air that Seungmin can detect after living so many years here. The ice on the sidewalk recedes, leaving damp patches on the gray concrete.
Seungmin gets some acceptances from some out of state universities, some money, too, but he tells his dad it’s too complicated and that he just wants to stay here, he’ll go to UIC in the fall. Having that settled, he dumps the University of Minnesota and Iowa and Wisconsin flyers into the recycling bin.
Felix is still set on going out of state and far away. Hyunjin is still set on going to the East Coast as far as Seungmin knows. Seungmin decides not to miss Felix, he’ll hold on to their time together as long as they have it. He decides not to doubt Hyunjin, and accepts the other’s good mornings as they come. There’s still plenty of the present left. He’ll live in it.
The sky is like someone had poured blue paint all over it. Like all the clouds that had persisted and hung out there for months were never there.
It feels like waking up from a dream.
Seungmin looks up, jacket half-hanging off his shoulders, sneakers braced on the thawing sidewalk. He breaks off into a run. There’s a few months left of high school and he’ll finish it off strong. He can’t see what’s across the horizon but the sky is clear, the wind blows across his face, and well, he just can’t find it in himself to be afraid.
Notes:
"fake dating is overused" i say as i bookmark my 50th childhood friends to lovers fic
i know the last chapter may have made you think "what the hell is wrong with you????" i hope this chapter may have- well, not made you believe in my username, but at least convinced you i'm not actually evil?
Chapter 7
Notes:
warning for a scene with underage drinking. let it be known that the character who does the underage drinking is 2000 miles away from the main setting... i am straight-laced even in writing, apparently.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Seungmin is struggling not to fall asleep on his lunch when he gets a message. He assumes it would be Jisung but it’s Hyunjin. Seungmin frowns. Hyunjin normally doesn’t text at this time.
Hyunjin
seungmin
i got a full ride to uiuc
i can’t talk rn
but i just needed to let u know
There is a brief, disorienting moment where Seungmin tries to figure out which Ivy League UIUC is before he realizes that’s University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. That’s the school here .
Seungmin
I’m so confused
Hyunjin
i’ll explain over the phone on the weekend okay
The weekend cannot come fast enough. Seungmin calls Hyunjin Saturday morning, praying for him to pick up. Fortunately, Hyunjin does.
“Audio check,” Seungmin demands.
“I can hear you,” Hyunjin groans. “Seungmin, it’s seven AM over here. It’s too early to be alive.”
“You really won’t be alive, if you don’t explain the UIUC situation.”
“Scary, but please give me a moment to just put my pants on and brush my teeth,” Hyunjin says. Seungmin scoffs and waits, listening to Hyunjin putter around on the other side. “Okay, shoot.”
“What do you mean you got a full ride to UIUC?” Seungmin asks. “Do you mean University of Illinois?”
“I don’t think there’s any other UIUCs,” Hyunjin deadpans.
“You’re lucky you’re over in California or I’d punch you right now,” Seungmin says. “Explain.”
Seungmin is so confused he’s almost angry. From what he knows, Hyunjin applied to one public school in California as his safety, and the rest of his applications were to top schools with acceptance rates lower than they had any right to be. UIUC is a good school, but it’s definitely not an Ivy League.
“In October, actually, when I sent in my early applications, I applied to UIUC on impulse,” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin wants to kill him. Only Hyunjin Hwang would apply to a school on impulse then somehow get a full ride.
“Why?” he asks. The endeavor might have been on impulse but it’s one with great effort. UIUC has a separate application and essays and everything.
“I mean isn’t it obvious, I was literally crazy about you, I would do anything to be near you,” Hyunjin says, exasperated. “I didn’t tell you about it because I knew I wouldn’t go.”
“Then why are you telling me now?”
“Because I do want to go.”
Seungmin closes his eyes. He thinks, this is so impossibly cruel, it’s like there’s a balloon of want in his chest instead of lungs. He wants to tell Hyunjin to take the money and come. They would still be at different schools, UIC and UIUC, but there would only be two hours between them. And then they wouldn’t have to live in exclusively separate spheres, their phones the only bridge between them, only able to meet in dreams.
“Don’t,” Seungmin says.
“What?”
“If I’m even a factor in you thinking about coming to Illinois. Don’t do it.”
It takes all of Seungmin’s discipline to say it, but he would hate himself otherwise. Seungmin knows he has power over Hyunjin. He knows it because Hyunjin has the same kind of power over him. Hyunjin makes him want to throw away a future for a moment— falling for Hyunjin has been terrifying because of it.
Seungmin operates on logic, but there’s nothing logical about feelings, and sometimes Seungmin can’t tell whether it’s his rationale in the driver’s seat or his emotions pretending to know where they’re going. Hyunjin is a genius but he’s seventeen and Seungmin doesn’t trust that either of them knows what the fuck they’re doing.
Hyunjin is silent on the other end of the line.
“If I was out of the equation, would you still want to come?” Seungmin asks.
There’s a dry laugh. “Ouch, Seungmin.”
Seungmin grits his teeth, clamping down the words I mean obviously I want you here .
“I’ll admit the reason I looked into it was because of you,” Hyunjin says. “But I think I want to go for me.”
“I thought you wanted to go to Harvard.”
“Well, maybe I don’t. Look, don’t you think I’m confused as well?” Hyunjin asks. “Fine, let’s pretend we’re just friends, and let’s talk it out.”
“Okay. I’m listening.”
“My whole life, I’ve been competing for the number one position and it’s been killing me,” Hyunjin says. “I didn’t know how much it was killing me until I met you and I didn’t have to compete with you.”
Seungmin doesn’t say anything.
“I hear people say that Harvard is a prestigious school. I hear people say that if you don’t go into a prestigious school you can’t have a good life. I hear it so much I can’t tell my thoughts from those of others.”
“Hyunjin…”
“I— you know the place I live in, there’s the culture that the first eighteen years of our lives are in place only so we can prepare for an elite university. It makes me tired. But I’ve also been listening to this rhetoric for the entirety of my life so it’s hard to change. That’s why I read so much. It’s a form of escape.”
Seungmin can’t say anything. He realizes that he’s been lucky.
Yes, he was taught that he should work hard and plan for the future, but he was also taught it’s more important to be a good person than anything. That if his heart is in the right place it’s more valuable than all the status and money in the world. And also that if he gets a full ride somewhere he should absolutely fucking take it.
“I’m sorry,” Seungmin finally says.
“I pretend for everybody. But I pretend the most to my parents. I love them. I’m always trying to repay them for what they did, coming to America and raising me. I want them to be proud of me.”
Hyunjin exhales. “But I’m so tired.”
It’s weird because if it was Jeongin that got a full ride to UIUC, Seungmin would be telling him to take it, what the fuck. Seungmin wonders what makes Hyunjin different. Maybe there is no difference.
And Seungmin decides he’s sorry. Deep down he’s always thought of Hyunjin as untouchable, destined for some golden future Seungmin couldn’t imagine or want for himself. He did so when Hyunjin trusted him not to do so, trusted Seungmin to evaluate him as his friend and a person rather than by society’s standards of success.
“Your parents should be proud of you. They raised someone kind and hardworking and eloquent,” Seungmin says. “If they can’t see that because of what school you choose to go to, that’s a shame. And shouldn’t they be impressed that you know, got a full ride to somewhere?”
“It isn’t about the money for them,” Hyunjin says. “They’ve been saving up since I was born… it’s like, for Harvard or Princeton or Yale, as long as I got in, they’d pay.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. So what I’m told, is that the way to success is a prestigious college and a high-profile job. And I’m trying to tell myself that it isn’t the only way. Because I like to compete but not all the time, and I’m not sure I want to go to a school with all these kids who were the top one at their school and try to be top one there.”
Hyunjin pauses.
“More and more I think that all I want is to be happy and for life to be simple. Is that crazy? Maybe it is.”
Sometimes older people talk about how easy it is for kids nowadays, but Seungmin doesn’t think it’s that way at all. Gen-Zs are born into a world that moves at lightspeed, in a world of airplanes that travel the world in a matter of hours and technology that updates every millisecond.
The rhetoric of being the best no longer works when there is always someone ahead, always more to be achieved. Seungmin just wants to find his niche in an ever-shifting, splintered world. That’s what he’s afraid of, not being able to find his place, instead of whether that place is seen as successful or not. Maybe Hyunjin wants that same thing.
“I think you’d do well in any college you went to,” Seungmin says carefully. “So I’ll support you wherever you go, as long as you do it for the right reasons.”
Hyunjin laughs. “I wish you could make the decision for me,” he says. “But we both know you’re too logical to do that.”
“Somebody has to be logical here,” Seungmin says. “Also, I will have to tell you that the stereotypes are true. UIUC is basically in a cornfield so I don’t know if you want to live in that.”
“Yeah, I’ve been there before,” Hyunjin says. “I went there summer of freshman year.”
This is news to Seungmin. “Really? You did?”
“It was for comp sci camp, I was into that back then,” Hyunjin says. This conversation has been so ridiculous Seungmin can’t find it in himself to react. “I liked the cornfield. And the bubble tea. The mascot needs to change but that’s fixable.”
“Oh.”
“We both know it’s a good school.”
“This is just an information overload,” Seungmin says.
“Tell me about it,” Hyunjin mutters. “Anyway, I’m still waiting on regular decisions, and I don’t have to choose until May, so I’m just not going to think about it. For now I have so much school to focus on. March will be hell month.”
“Good luck.”
“Thank you,” Hyunjin says. “I’m going to go eat breakfast now. See you.”
The call clicks off. Seungmin turns his phone over in his hands. March will be hell for Seungmin, too. And April. Because he wants Hyunjin to come so much, but he won’t say anything. There’s this fizzy hope that threatens to bubble over but Seungmin wrestles a cap onto it. This is Hyunjin’s life, not his own.
Seungmin doesn’t want to be a factor in Hyunjin’s decision, but the truth is Seungmin isn’t sure that’s possible for Hyunjin, who operates more on emotion than on logic. And Seungmin doesn’t know everything, either. Maybe for Hyunjin, finding his place in the world includes finding someone to fall in love with. Seungmin just doesn’t want Hyunjin to have any regrets.
---
Hyunjin doesn’t kid about March being hell month. His messages dwindle down to a handful per day, although he sends his good mornings without fail. He is never online when Seungmin is— the messages roll in between classes, or when Seungmin is asleep. Hyunjin should be asleep, too, time difference factored in.
They try to call on Saturday, but on the other end of the line it’s clear that Hyunjin is busy. His sentences drop off half-unfinished and he answers Seungmin’s questions only when Seungmin’s asked them twice. Seungmin opens Two Dots on his phone fifteen minutes in and ends the call ten minutes later.
Hyunjin
sorry
i dont think i should call this month
Seungmin
No problem
Do your stuff
You got this.
The problem is that a telephone can provide a physical presence but mostly through sound. Seungmin can stay silent on the phone with Jeongin, because Seungmin knows what it’s like to have Jeongin there. His relationship with Hyunjin has always been defined by words, needing something to bridge the distance.
Seungmin works with Lia in AP Stats and he thinks that there’s a certain peace to sit near a friend. Seungmin would give a lot to study in the same room as Hyunjin, which is a strange thing to wish for. But he’ll take Hyunjin’s whimsical updates and the occasional thing he’ll post up on Twitter.
HJ @hyunfortunately 2h
in doofenshmirtz's defense without the fedora perry the platypus IS virtually indistinguishable from every other platypus out there
Seungmin realizes that he met Hyunjin during March of last year, and can’t tell if he feels like he’s known Hyunjin for more time or less. Hyunjin was dealing with hell month that time, too, but back then Seungmin had no idea.
Because Hyunjin’s (mostly) MIA, though, Seungmin doesn’t use his phone as much. Seungmin is usually always careful not to give Hyunjin too much of his time (because if he didn’t monitor himself he could talk to Hyunjin all day), but always carved out a piece of his schedule to maintain a connection.
His parents notice the change. “So,” his dad starts, when he and Seungmin happen to be in the kitchen at the same time— Seungmin couldn’t find any excuse to eat dinner in his room because Hyunjin might be in hell month but Seungmin’s already finished all his homework. “You’re finally off your phone.”
“Are you fighting with Jeongin?” Seungmin’s mom asks.
It will never not be awkward that to Seungmin’s parents, Hyunjin is either Jeongin or Sam from Biology. “Um, no, I’m not fighting with Jeongin,” Seungmin says, and hates the hole he’s dug himself into.
“Your mom has said not to mention it anymore but I think I should mention it,” his dad says, and Seungmin’s stomach clenches. “You’ve been on your phone a lot these past months. It’s good you’ve decided to focus.”
Seungmin sticks a spoonful of rice in his mouth. It tastes like sawdust. “Thank you.”
“I know your grades are fine and everything,” his mom says later, after his dad has left the kitchen, and Seungmin contemplates jettisoning himself out of the kitchen in favor of a last-minute, made-up project. “But is there anything you want to tell me? You’ve been different.”
“I don’t think I have,” he says. He knows she’s right, this whole thing with Hyunjin has been a rollercoaster. His stomach churns. He no longer wants to eat.
“Okay,” she says. “But you can tell me anything.”
Seungmin nods and then takes his plate up to his dinner room, where now he wishes he had homework so he could occupy himself.
Seungmin is naturally dutiful, and he loves his family members although sometimes he doesn’t like them, and he doesn’t want to lie. He will always be uncomfortable when his dad asks about who he’s on the phone with and he lies. There’s now a permanent knot of guilt lodged in his stomach, most of the time he just ignores it.
But it’s his mom asking with such concern that breaks him. It makes him almost wish he’d never answered Hyunjin’s tweet, never met him, and everything would be simple. Or that they met in the conventional, irl way, Hyunjin really being Sam and Seungmin taking notice of him at school.
Seungmin doesn’t really wish that, though. Life might be inconvenient but he thinks the universe is on his side that he got to meet Hyunjin at all.
---
Jisung
hey seungmin!!
it’s spring break for you too right?
Seungmin
Yeah?
Jisung
WORM
do you wanna hang out???
we haven’t seen each other irl for a hot minute
Seungmin
That sounds good
Wait can I bring my friend? I feel like you two would get along
His name is Felix he also went to Pride
Jisung
ooh sure !!
Seungmin
Where do you want to meet up?
Jisung
um
Jisung apparently has not planned that far ahead, so Seungmin ends up texting Felix about the meet-up and Felix suggests the Woodland Mall (“so we can be basic-ass high schoolers”). Seungmin relays the information to Jisung, then decides it’s better if they just make a group chat so he doesn’t have to play messenger.
Seungmin titles the chat the September Squad and Jisung adds a rainbow emoji; Felix complains that Seungmin never told him about his birthday and Seungmin responds with a shrugging emoji. They hash out the basic details for when they’re meeting, and decide on Saturday at noon.
Felix picks up Seungmin and they spend the car ride yelling out the lyrics to Viva La Vida with the windows down.
“I love going to the mall,” Felix says. “It makes me feel like I’m in a coming-of-age movie.”
“I haven’t been in a while,” Seungmin says. He and Felix are different, Seungmin just associates the mall with trying to find a few pairs of jeans that fit whenever he outgrows his old ones. It’s kind of cool that they’re going just to hang out, though, and not for the purpose of purchasing stuff.
They meet up with Jisung at the JC Penney entrance, and Felix and Jisung introduce themselves to each other in a way that makes Seungmin already think that he was right and they’re going to get along like a house on fire.
“Alright, I’m telling you right now that I only have like ten dollars so I can’t actually buy shit,” Jisung says.
“Oh, same,” Felix says. “Let’s just get food and then, like, loiter. What food do you guys want?”
“I don’t know, let’s get out of JC Penney first,” Jisung says. “How the fuck does this place work, anyway?”
Felix has been here the most times out of the three of them, so they follow him. JC Penney exits out into the main hub of the mall; they’re on the upper floor and they’re surrounded by rows of shops, the epitome of a suburban gathering spot.
Right next to them is a Cheesecake Factory and Jisung gasps. “Oh my god, I’ve only been there once but it was a religious experience,” he says. “A very expensive religious experience. I don’t think we can buy anything from there.”
“Definitely not,” Felix agrees.
“What food do you want to get, then? First order of business.”
“Oh! There’s a bubble tea shop right around here,” Felix says. “Should we go there?”
“Fuck yeah, I love bubble tea,” Jisung says. “Seungmin, you in?”
Seungmin shrugs. “You guys can get it without me.”
“What the hell? Do you not like bubble tea?” Jisung demands, scandalized, looking like he’s ready to square up.
Seungmin’s about to answer but Felix is already defending him. “Hey, Seungmin’s allowed to not like bubble tea, it’s his taste. I mean, he’s wrong , but it’s his taste. It’s no problem; there’s also a rolled ice cream place I’ve been meaning to try, let’s go?”
“Nice,” Jisung says.
“Sounds cool,” Seungmin says, and they head over to the rolled ice cream station.
Seungmin has never had rolled ice cream, never even heard of it, so it’s quite interesting. He gets a green tea flavored cup and it’s so aesthetic that he regrets not having brought his Canon. He takes a picture with his phone as consolation.
They spend around an hour simply wandering around and looking at the different stores. Felix and Jisung as a duo are very loud so most of the time Seungmin is content to just listen to them, unless one of them says something stupid and Seungmin has to comment.
Eventually they settle at the newly installed food court, ice creams long gone. They have about seven dollars left pooled, so they buy a large fries and share it. Seungmin looks at all the people sitting at all the tables and feels a weird sense of community. Even though everybody’s minding their own business, they’re occupying the same space and it’s nice.
“Why do I go to a different school?” Jisung asks, biting into a fry. “I want to sit with you guys at lunch.”
“It sucks because Felix and I actually go to the same school, but I can’t sit with him because we have separate lunch periods,” Seungmin says. “I mean, I can get more homework done without him, so that’s the upside.”
Felix pouts. “Rude.”
“This mall would be such a nice date spot,” Jisung says. “If only I had someone to date me.”
Felix laughs. “Wait, Seungmin does have someone to date, but he can’t come to the mall, isn’t that ironic?”
Jisung’s eyes go as wide as dinner plates and Seungmin winces. Felix immediately realizes that he said something he shouldn’t have and says, “Oh shit, nevermind,” but of course by then it’s too late and Jisung’s already yelling about Seungmin having gone and gotten a boyfriend like it’s the news of the century.
Seungmin says he doesn’t have a boyfriend, which leads to questions about what Felix meant, and Seungmin finds himself saying more than he ever planned to. Eventually he makes a deal that he’ll show them a picture of Hyunjin if it means that for the love of god they will shut up about this topic.
“Alright,” Jisung says.
Felix vibrates in excitement. “Yes. I’ve actually never seen what he looks like.”
Seungmin pulls his bag off his shoulders, getting his phone out. He unlocks it and scrolls through his camera roll until he gets to one of Hyunjin’s selfies. He doesn’t know if Hyunjin being good-looking is going to make this better or worse.
Definitely worse, he decides, when Jisung’s eyes widen.
“Wow,” Jisung says. “He’s hot.”
“He really is,” Felix agrees, looking at Seungmin with a knowing smile.
“When am I going to find someone,” Jisung sighs, and rests his chin on his hands. “And I don’t want to have to go all the way over to California. Is there anyone in like, Illinois?”
Seungmin is about to answer but he’s sitting opposite of Felix and Jisung and suddenly he sees somebody that looks familiar, standing at the Blaze Pizza station. He squints.
“Hey, Felix, isn’t that Minho?” he asks, and Felix whirls around. It is Minho, Seungmin realizes, on second glance.
“Hey, Minho!” Felix says, standing up and waving. “What are you doing here?”
Minho turns around, confused, before he sees who they are and walks toward them. “I’m buying some shit before school starts up again,” he says. Seungmin remembers, oh yeah, Minho and Chan have the same schedule— their spring break is ending right as Seungmin’s starts. Lame. “What are you doing here?”
Felix doesn’t answer, instead stealing some pizza. Minho whacks him before sitting down next to Seungmin, now one slice short. “Hey, Seungmin,” he says, and looks at Jisung. “And you are?”
Jisung looks like he’s having mild trouble remembering his own name.
“That’s Jisung,” Felix says, suddenly looking very, very tired. “Seungmin met him at Pride. He’s cool.”
“Oh, nice,” Minho says, and asks Jisung, “Can I have some of the fries? I’ll trade you my pizza.”
Jisung recovers his powers of speech enough to answer yes. Felix appears as if he wants to die. Seungmin pulls out his phone and texts Felix, hey, they’re both going to UIUC next year . Felix just texts back kill me and excuses himself to go the bathroom.
Once Minho leaves Seungmin cracks up.
“So,” he says.
“Don’t,” Jisung says. “Just please don’t.”
---
At night, Seungmin gets a video call from Hyunjin. He frowns, because one, Hyunjin’s spring break doesn’t start until next week (seriously, Seungmin has so many schedules in his head at this point he’s going to forget which one is his own), and two, Seungmin has already had enough social interaction for the day. Still, he picks up.
As soon as he does there’s an explosion of noise on the other end and Seungmin is glad he’s wearing earbuds. The camera is out of focus, several blobs of color on screen. He hears, “Changbin give the fucking phone back!”
“No, let me meet him! You talk about him all the time!”
“Yeah but I don’t know if he wants to meet you!” The camera falls over. Seungmin can’t really see what’s going on but the whole thing is amusing anyway. “Oh my god did he pick up?”
“Hi Seung— mmph — Hi Seungmin!” Changbin shouts.
Seungmin considers his options. He could hang up, but he’s curious about this Changbin who relays incorrect translations and gifts stuffed eggplants. Besides, he feels like Changbin is a part of Hyunjin, the way Jeongin is a part of Seungmin, and Hyunjin had met Jeongin with no hesitation.
“Hi, Changbin,” Seungmin says. “Nice to meet you.”
The camera rights itself and finally focuses. The boy onscreen has dark eyes— most people have brown eyes but his eyes are almost black— and a sharp chin. He’s looking at Seungmin with a small smile. Hyunjin is out of the frame, attempting to edge in.
“So you’re Seungmin,” Changbin says. “Hyunjin talks about you so much that I feel like I know you.”
“Hyunjin talks about you a lot, too.”
“Well, yeah, Hyunjin talks about everyone except himself,” Changbin says, shoving Hyunjin out of the frame. “I’m sure that he’s told you all sorts of shit about me, but let me assure you that Hyunjin is a big liar and—”
“Hello, you’re on my phone,” Hyunjin says, trying to twist it, but Changbin keeps the webcam trained on himself.
“And you’re in my house,” Changbin says. Seungmin is ninety percent sure they’re kicking each other off-screen. “Which you’re not supposed to be in, by the way, you just come here and mooch off of the cubed fruits.”
Hyunjin rubs his temples. “Changbin, unfortunately, came back for spring break,” he explains to Seungmin. “He’ll be out of here in a few hours though for his flight back. And then he’ll be your guys’ problem again.”
“You’re so mean,” Changbin says. “Are you this mean to Seungmin?” He turns to the screen. “Is Hyunjin this mean to you?”
“No, he’s really nice to me. I kind of feel like he has split personality right now,” Seungmin says. He thinks Hyunjin and Changbin should host a radio station where all they do is argue and occasionally manage to agree on a song to play.
“You are supposed to be finishing packing,” Hyunjin tells Changbin, who just rolls his eyes. “Don’t forget your fancy calculator back home like you did during winter break—”
“—It’s a TI-nspire and it isn’t that fucking fancy—”
“—It costs more than my iPhone and it could probably open a wormhole to Mars if you pushed enough buttons—”
“But you would settle for a wormhole to Illinois, eh?” Changbin says, elbowing Hyunjin, who elbows him back hard enough that Changbin hisses out a small ow . “Don’t kill me, I’m too precious to die.”
“Nobody will notice if you don’t board the plane this afternoon,” Hyunjin says flatly.
“Hey, did Hyunjin show you the stuffed onion that I gave him for his birthday this year?” Changbin asks Seungmin. “It goes with the eggplant.”
Seungmin furrows his brow. He didn’t know it was Hyunjin’s birthday, but it makes sense. They met in March last year and somehow he still remembers Hyunjin’s tweet about banning onions for the time being. He supposes it’s been exactly a year, then, since they first started talking. He wonders what his past-self would think about how much Hyunjin means to him now.
“Oh my god,” Changbin says to Hyunjin. “Did you forget to tell him that your birthday was this week?”
“March is hell month, I forgot everything,” Hyunjin protests.
“It’s true, he forgot,” Changbin sighs. “On March 20 I gave him the onion and he looked at me like why are you giving me this fucking onion?”
“I mean, I still don’t know why you gave me this fucking onion,” Hyunjin says.
“Happy belated eighteenth,” Seungmin says, elbowing his way into their argument, which seems like it could go on for hours. “I can’t believe you’re lawfully an adult.”
“I don’t care what the law says, he isn’t an adult,” Changbin says. “I mean Hyunjin can’t take care of himself to save his life.”
“Hey Changbin,” Hyunjin says. “Shut up! Pack!”
“I really should go,” Changbin says regretfully. He stares into the camera. “Hey, Seungmin. If you mess with Hyunjin I will murder you in the nearest cornfield and nobody will ever know. Understood?”
“Oh my god,” Hyunjin says, covering his face. “Seungmin, I’m so sorry for him. I apologize for his behavior. I—”
“Understood,” Seungmin says. It might have been phrased as a joke but Changbin’s eyes got a few shades darker. Seungmin doesn’t mind; he would have threatened the same if it was the other way around. He smiles. “It was nice to meet you, Changbin.”
“Likewise. Let’s meet up and get food sometime!” Changbin says, before the call disconnects.
Hyunjin
… and that was changbin
Seungmin
He seems cool
Hyunjin
lol
---
Hyunjin
by the way when is YOUR birthday?
we’ve been friends for a year and it never came up
so i’m thinking (1) you didn’t tell me or
(2) you don’t have a birthday and just popped into existence
Seungmin
Second assumption is correct.
Hyunjin
seungmiiiiiiiiiin
Seungmin
Fine it’s September 22
I don’t really like telling people about it
It isn’t a big deal
Hyunjin
;-;
you SHOULD have told me!
i would’ve mailed you a present
and it wouldn’t have been a stuffed onion
Seungmin grimaces. He wouldn’t have wanted to contend with explaining a random package from California to his parents. It probably would’ve turned into yet another lie.
Seungmin
Do you want me to mail you a present?
Would your parents think something was up?
Hyunjin
i order random shit sometimes so no
but seungmin! you really don’t have to do that
your presence is enough
Seungmin
Well I would like to give you a present
Hyunjin
in that case…
i AM running low on hoodies
Seungmin
Okay I’ll order one and ship it to your address
What’s your size?
Hyunjin
no you don’t have to spend money
you can just send me one of yours
Seungmin stifles a laugh.
Seungmin
? I might not be your size?
I can really buy you one it’s no problem
Hyunjin
I remember you saying you’re 5’10’’
it works out
Seungmin
It’s more convenient for me to just buy you one
Hyunjin
seungmin
I just want one of your goddamn hoodies okay
Seungmin
Hyunjin you’re not slick
Hyunjin
YOU WERE MESSING WITH ME
Seungmin
Maybe
Alright let me go look up how to mail something I haven’t done so in years.
---
On March 28 Hyunjin sends him a text saying that he made it into Harvard. It’s short and to the point, meant to seem innocuous, but Seungmin knows by now that Hyunjin makes big deals out of small things and plays down what actually matters to him.
And under all of it— his laughter, his charm, his easy love— there’s a loneliness and a fear of not being good enough. Seungmin doesn’t ever want him to feel like that.
Seungmin
Congratulations
I knew you could do it
I’m proud of you, you know?
That’s not an easy feat
Hyunjin
seungmin
i’m sorry if I don’t know what to choose
Seungmin
Hey it’s okay
Whatever you do I’ll support you
I know you’re worrying
Don’t worry.
---
As Hyunjin’s spring break starts, Seungmin’s ends. It’s noticeably difficult for his classmates to return to school, as if spring break had bled into their skin and is now permanently lodged in their bones. Seungmin is one of those oddly immune, maybe because the promise he made to himself to finish off the school year strong is so vivid.
The six-month-long winter of the midwest is ending. Snow still stubbornly sticks to the grass, random piles of it around the trees, but the air is sweet like melted ice, and green shoots are starting to appear on otherwise bare branches. Only two months left of school. Until graduation.
Still feels like forever.
“Alright,” their Biology teacher says, slamming a packet down on the table. “You know why evolution is our last topic? It’s because we’ve been covering it all year. I know most of you are in no shape to pay attention right now.”
“Amen,” somebody says.
“But while you’re here you still have to study,” he says. “Your AP tests are in a month and I don’t plan on getting lower scores than those bio kids over at Fields. And, in case you don’t remember, if you don’t get higher than a C in this class you have to take finals.”
There’s a good-natured round of groans and they disperse off to their lab tables to watch videos on finches. Taking Stats in tandem with Bio has been useful— they’ve been doing probability and chi-squared tests recently and Seungmin already knows all of that.
“How can you focus?” Felix demands, taking his earbud out. “Are you human?”
“Well, I’m not a finch,” Seungmin says, and Felix rolls his eyes and puts the earbud back in.
But Seungmin thinks even his focus might give out at some point. His discipline is hardy, like the midwest snow, but it’s still not immune to melting.
In Stats, all the material has been covered, so there’s only review. Mrs. Jaron apologizes that they’ll have to be doing graded multiple choice practice every Monday and Tuesday, but on Wednesday and Thursday they get to do free responses together and Friday they compete to the death for Jolly Ranchers on Socrative.
Seungmin and Lia get second place, so Seungmin selects a grape one and Lia a blue raspberry. Lia looks at his choice of artificial flavor with distaste.
“What is wrong with you?” she asks, and Seungmin just shrugs and pops the Jolly Rancher in his mouth.
---
Hyunjin sends him a picture of himself wearing Seungmin’s hoodie. It’s white with PACEMAKER written on it in ice blue. Seungmin had sent it over with the pen-stylus hybrid that said San Francisco on it. Hyunjin looks good wearing the hoodie and Seungmin looked at the photo for longer than he cares to admit.
It almost makes Seungmin wish he had a piece of Hyunjin here with him, although he would die before he so brazenly requested something like that.
Hyunjin calls him on Saturday, hell month officially over, and they talk for a little bit before Seungmin notices that Hyunjin sounds different. The more they talk the more Seungmin thinks this is true, but he can’t put his finger on it. “Hey,” Seungmin says. “What’s with your voice?”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t know, you just sound…” Seungmin frowns. “Looser?”
“Okay fine,” Hyunjin says, voice coloring with guilt. “My parents don’t lock their liquor stash so I drank some of it. It wasn’t much, alright? I’m still perfectly conscious.”
“Hyunjin!” Seungmin says, scandalized. Fine. So he might not be straight but he’s definitely straight-laced. He’s long embraced it. “Why?”
“It was to calm down, I promise it isn’t something I do often,” Hyunjin protests. “This is why I didn’t tell you, I knew you’d be mad.”
“I’m not mad, I’m just extremely irritated, I didn’t know you were a frat boy,” Seungmin says, rolling his eyes. “If you call me when you’re drunk again I’ll come over there and punch you.” He pauses. “Wait, no, I won’t, I’ll just hang up. That would be more of a punishment.”
“You know me so well.”
“Don’t do it again, okay? It has adverse effects on the brain,” Seungmin says.
“Alright, Seungmin Kim, I won’t,” Hyunjin sighs. “Just don’t hang up on me.”
They lapse into comfortable silence before Hyunjin broaches the topic that Seungmin wasn’t going to say. “I’m going to tell my parents I want to go to UIUC,” he says. “Wish me luck.”
“Good luck,” Seungmin says, knowing that Hyunjin’s parents have been pushing the Harvard agenda since he was in the womb. Seungmin’s heart squeezes painfully tight.
Hyunjin wants to go here. Seungmin wants to say, fuck your parents, you got a full ride, take the next airplane over , but he keeps his mouth shut. Which is something Seungmin would be incapable of if he were drunk. He still cannot believe Hyunjin’s nerve. But they both know why Hyunjin was drinking. Showing his cards to his parents can’t be easy.
“I made a Powerpoint,” Hyunjin says.
“That’s good. Powerpoints are always good.”
“I mean, I got a full ride,” Hyunjin says quietly. “And there’s no difference between a Top 5 and a Top 50 school.”
Seungmin smiles. He isn’t the one who needs to be convinced, but it’s interesting to hear Hyunjin say it. “You tell me.”
“Except that maybe one would be better for my mentality than the other,” Hyunjin concedes.
Seungmin hums and just listens.
“You know, my favorite author, he’s actually not a fiction writer. He writes creative nonfiction. His name’s Malcolm Gladwell and he went to University of Toronto. I loved his book Outliers so much,” Hyunjin says. “It made me like nonfiction, before that I hated it.”
“I might read it,” Seungmin says. Hyunjin recommends him book sometimes, mostly on accident, and a lot of them have been to Seungmin’s tastes.
“He has this new book called David and Goliath where he made the case that elite universities aren’t for everybody and you don’t need them to be successful,” Hyunjin says. “It stuck with me because this was the first time I heard that, yet he said it so well it convinced me. He inspires me to write. I want to change people’s minds like that.”
“I mean, you’re well on your way,” Seungmin says. “I liked the poem you showed me.”
“Yeah, I don’t know why I showed it to you,” Hyunjin says. “It embarrasses me.”
“Shut up,” Seungmin retorts. “I’m allowed to like it.” He thinks about the last few lines of The Wordsmith.
I gift butterfly wings to the lonesome dreamer
pop glass bottles to hold feelings and memories
erect a stone bridge to the kingdom of your heart.
Tell me, when I leave the forge, that
I will have a place to call home.
Seungmin, who never likes anybody, who never breaks the rules. Hyunjin’s already changed his mind so many times.
“I’m so fucked,” Hyunjin says. He lets out a sound between a laugh and a sob. “My parents are going to kill me.”
Sometimes Seungmin thinks he has a good mental picture of the place Hyunjin lives, but later realizes that, no, he’ll never understand the culture there. That all-or-nothing mindset. Like the hallway between Bio and Chem but everywhere, everyday.
“Whatever happens, it’ll be fine,” Seungmin says. “It’s not like this is the last chance you’ll ever get to make a decision, and honestly, you’d do well in Harvard as well. You might not like it, but you would.”
Hyunjin laughs, harsh and self-deprecating. “How am I supposed to become a Harvard-style lawyer if I can’t even convince my parents what school I want to go to?”
“Because talking to your parents is different than talking to strangers,” Seungmin says, patient. “Sometimes it’s even harder.”
He would know.
“Seungmin,” Hyunjin says. His voice is small. Sad. “Why do you always talk like you don’t want me here?”
Seungmin is taken aback because the statement is so wrong, but at the same time, Hyunjin has a point. And Seungmin knows that Hyunjin sometimes doubts he belongs with Seungmin, so Seungmin chews his lip, debating on what to say. To not push Hyunjin away but not pull him closer, either. It’s agonizing.
“It isn’t that I don’t want you here,” Seungmin says carefully. “But people’s feelings change. My mom loved one man, and then she loved another. I don’t want you to come here with me in mind and then regret it.”
“Do you think I don’t know it might not last?” Hyunjin says, and something in his voice makes Seungmin feel like all his careful logic is the most foolish thing in the world. “But I would never regret it all the same.”
Seungmin sits on his chair, one knee pulled up to his chin. The phone is silent on the other end except for Hyunjin’s breath. They don’t talk. There’s a patter of raindrops on the windowsill, the gray sky finally releasing its tears. The water pools on the streets, darkens the bare trees. It seeps into the earth and all the roots underneath the surface. The four-leaf clovers in the grass, the pennies dropped on sidewalks, Seungmin wants them all for Hyunjin. But he’ll trust in Hyunjin’s wit and bravery instead.
---
“Chan?”
“Hey. You can hear me?”
The sound is slightly distorted, but yes.
Seungmin isn’t calling Chan alone this time. Their parents have made the executive decision that Chan is getting to become too independent— “Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen at university?” Chan grumbles— but Seungmin just knows it means they miss him.
Anyway, it’s not so bad. Chan used to call them frequently in freshman year, but now that he’s in sophomore year he’s busier, and that means he’s forgetting to call. So their parents are implementing a rule that Chan has to video call them at least once every two weeks.
Seungmin thinks wryly that perhaps most long-distance relationships need some rules.
Chan is all blurry and it takes some time for the screen to focus before their parents settle down in front of the computer. Seungmin has homework so he goes to finish that, inevitably listening in because their mom and dad have this tendency of shouting into the computer like that will make Chan hear them better, although it probably just blows out his eardrums given those big-ass headphones he wears.
The screen pans to a piece of cake. “Is that cheesecake?” their mom asks, and Seungmin thinks of Jisung, because Jisung talks about cheesecake so much Seungmin automatically associates the food with his friend now.
“Yeah,” Chan says. “I went and got it with Haseul at a nearby bakery. I wanted to pay but she beat me to it. Literally. She sprinted.”
“Why were you there?”
“Ah, it’s our half-year anniversary,” Chan says, awkwardly. “But mostly we both just wanted cake.”
Seungmin’s impressed that Haseul beat him at running. Chan is fast . Anyway, Chan keyed all their anniversaries onto Google Calendar the day they got together because Chan sucks at remembering anything not related to work. It’s to the point that Chan has to put his own birthday onto Google Calendar, which Seungmin finds rather hilarious.
“Ah, that’s so nice,” their dad says. He nudges Seungmin “You’ll probably meet a girl in college, too.”
Seungmin’s smile gets stuck to his mouth. Chan’s expression stays blessedly neutral, and he says, “Don’t talk to Seungmin about that stuff, he doesn’t think about it at all.”
Like Seungmin, Chan dislikes lying, but he has no problem lying on Seungmin’s behalf. Seungmin doesn’t know if he feels better or worse with Chan’s words, though. Because he doesn’t want to lie.
“Right, Seungmin’s been focused on his studies recently,” their mom says warmly, and Seungmin can feel his phone as a traitorous weight in his pocket. He’s irrationally afraid his mom will ask him why he’s missing a hoodie, even though that should be the least of his worries.
Seungmin hurts, in a similar way that Hyunjin hurts. The rules were comfortable until they weren’t, until they got too tight. Their dad doesn’t think Seungmin and Chan should talk to people on the internet. He doesn’t think they should date in high school. He does, however, think they should meet a nice girl in college and get married later.
Well, zero out of three isn’t so bad.
“Oh, Chan, I’ve been wondering,” their dad says. “It is possible to get into the engineering program from the division of general studies, right?”
Seungmin holds back a sigh. They had looked up what his strange decision status meant, and it amounts to this: if he went to UIUC, he would enter without a major, and choose one sometime in the first two years. But since UIUC’s comp sci program is so cutthroat, if he wanted to choose that specific major he would have to essentially apply and compete all over again.
“I mean, of course it isn’t impossible to get in, I know people who transferred, but it’s difficult,” Chan says slowly. “I just…”
They both know what’s going on here and Seungmin can’t stand it. “Dad, I’m going to UIC,” he says. He doesn’t know why their dad is so fixated on him having more options or why their dad is so fixated on UIUC’s engineering program in particular. It’s highly ranked, but, at this point all it’s doing is causing pain. “So why are you asking?”
There’s so much sadness in his voice that even their dad, who’s not great with emotions, catches it. And Seungmin can see it, the genuine surprise that flashes across his face. “It’s because you like UIUC,” their dad says. “And I know you want to go.”
It’s not the answer Seungmin is expecting, mostly because it’s correct. Back in fall, when people were asking Seungmin what his dream school was, he always said he didn’t have one. He figured he didn’t, because there was nowhere he was obsessed with going.
But he thinks about how he had always listed UIUC as his first answer, how he always read the pamphlets they sent him, how when he visited it felt vaguely of home.
“If you know what Seungmin likes,” Chan says, breaking Seungmin out of his thoughts. “How come you don’t know that he doesn’t like computer engineering?”
Their dad is caught off guard. Seungmin stares at the screen, homework forgotten, surprised at first as the words register, and then devastated. How could Chan say that? The worst part is that of course it isn’t meant to cause harm. But there’s just some shit you’re not supposed to say.
Their dad turns to Seungmin. “You’re okay with computer engineering. Right?”
Seungmin is frozen. He nods, but he isn’t in any shape to lie. “Look, I know you don’t mean to do it,” Chan tells their dad, “but it’s awkward that you expect me and Seungmin to be the same person. It isn’t good for either of us.”
“I know you two aren’t the same person,” he says, looking lost.
“Chan, stop,” Seungmin says.
Chan says, “I just happened to like engineering, and that’s why I do it. Seungmin doesn’t like it. He likes other things. Not just photography but he’s good with math and science. You’re hurting him.”
Why is Chan doing this?
“I’m hurting you?” their dad asks Seungmin.
Seungmin says nothing. Maybe it’s the screen. Seungmin has said things he never thought he would say when there’s a screen, and maybe the screen makes Chan brave, too. He thinks that he still has half a worksheet left for Biology, this one is really tedious. He thinks that there is no way this conversation will stick, it’ll take a few days, but they’ll all forget about the things Chan said.
Seungmin is good at being okay.
“It’s hurting me,” Chan says quietly, and Seungmin is afraid that Chan is not as good at being okay. “Sorry, Seungmin. Goodbye now. Thanks for the call.” And the screen goes dark.
---
Seungmin doesn’t end up finishing the biology worksheet for a long time. He scrolls through his playlist and listens to music, trying to let the melody drown out unwelcome thoughts.
Chan should’ve minded his own business.
Seungmin knows why some people like comp sci. For some, it’s a good feeling to watch the logic whirl through the code, branching off at if statements and circling around at while loops, a jigsaw puzzle pieced together into a finished website or app. He gets why somebody would spend hours combing through code to get it just right.
But for him, it’s a pain to stare at the computer screen, picking through the variables to figure out which one he set wrong, to speak in the bland, soulless language of machine. He would rather be out in the outside world than contained in the pixelated space of a digital one. It’s why Seungmin does photography. It’s why being with Hyunjin is, while one of the best experiences of he life, is also one of the most painful.
He thinks of the myth of Sisyphus, rolling a boulder up a hill day after day. That isn’t hell. That’s just a 9 to 5 job that you don’t like.
The door opens. “Hello,” his mom says tentatively. She holds a bowl of apple slices. Seungmin stares at it in trepidation, knowing they’re just there to dull the discomfort of the upcoming conversation.
“I have homework,” Seungmin says, and she looks sad enough that he caves. “But I can do it on Sunday.”
“Was Chan saying the truth when he said you’re hurting?” she asks.
Well, hurt might be a strong word, Seungmin thinks. It isn’t like there’s a knife in his side that permanently distracts him. In fact, he’s probably the most focused he’s ever been.
But isn’t that, well, abnormal? It’s April and he has no problem burying himself in his studies. His classmates are all pumped up ready and ready for the future, barely able to contain themselves, and Seungmin has no trouble keeping himself on the ground. It’s almost the same way kids drag their feet toward a punishment.
“I’m fine,” Seungmin finally says.
She sets the bowl on the table. “I messed up last year, didn’t I?” she says, and Seungmin stares at her blankly, forgetting for a second what she is referring to.
“What? No, you didn’t,” he says. “That’s all in the past. Don’t worry about it.”
“I don’t think it’s all in the past,” she says. “We used to talk so easily but nowadays you seem to shut yourself in. Every day, I’m sorry about that.”
Seungmin doesn’t know what to say to that. He thinks about all those sliced apples, trying to convey words she could never bring herself to say. It should be a good thing that Seungmin can stand on his own so well and not need help. But she’s his mom. If he doesn’t need her help she feels jobless.
“You were grieving,” Seungmin mumbles. “How could you control that?”
She sits down on Chan’s bed and Seungmin resigns himself to really not doing any biology homework tonight. His phone rings and he turns it off. Would he have told her about Hyunjin if last year hadn’t happened?
“I wasn’t there for you when you needed me,” she says. “And I don’t know how to forgive myself.”
“I forgive you,” Seungmin says. “Doesn’t that count for something?”
“I just want to do better,” she says quietly. “You never liked computer science. You always did it to make your dad happy.”
“It wasn’t so bad.” Seungmin offers her a half smile. “I made a tic-tac-toe board.”
“But you never wanted to do more than make a tic-tac-toe board. I see when you’re passionate about something, like when you have a camera in your hands.” He opens his mouth to say that he doesn’t want to do photography as a job, but she beats him to it. “And I see when you’re happy about something. I always want you to be happy.”
“I am happy.”
“Sometimes.”
“Well, what can I do?” Seungmin says, and here he feels almost angry. It’s the same thing he felt toward Chan, messing things up right when they’re almost set, like running a bicycle through drying concrete. “It’s already April. Decision day’s in less than a month. I can’t go about sending more applications.”
“It’s April but you’re seventeen, you have years to figure it out,” she says, and okay, he walked into that one. “Also, you don’t have to send more applications. You got accepted for the division of general studies at UIUC.”
He stares at the ground. He’s thought about it. Of course he’s thought about it.
“Since you’ll be undecided for the first year, you can have a bit more time to choose what you really want to major in,” she says. “And if you decide you do like engineering, well, that program is hard to get into, but when you focus on something I’m sure you’d be able to do it.”
Seungmin takes a deep breath and stands up. “I’m going to UIC for comp sci, okay? They gave me a bit of a scholarship, and it’s a good school. There’s no reason not to go. I can even take the train back on weekends.”
She just looks at him. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Seungmin crosses his arms. “I really do have a lot of homework, I need to do that.”
“Okay,” she says, and leaves the room, the door gently shutting with a click. He pretends like he doesn’t see the hurt painted all over her face and jams his earbuds in, then promptly takes them out as Live Your Life by Day6 is playing through it and he’s not in the state to get judged by his favorite artists right now.
His phone buzzes with a message.
Hyunjin
hey i tried to call you
but if you can’t call this weekend it’s cool
i’m trying to convince my parents rn
i think they think i’m joking or smthn… a not funny joke
they’ll probably get to the mad stage soon
Seungmin rubs his eyes.
On one hand, it’s nice to have a set road in front of him even if it isn’t the best one. There’s something terrifying in straying off the path, in wandering by yourself in the unknown. On the other hand, he is good at many things besides comp sci. He’s never minded the phrase jack of all trades, master of none— as the shoe fits, he's proud to wear it. The world is beautiful and so many jobs wouldn’t be a chore to him.
He thinks about how it’s easier to take a leap of faith if you’re jumping with someone else.
Notes:
cooking like a mess, still a five-star michelin
(i get five stars because i'm still going, and tbh sometimes that's all that matters)behind the scenes i am writing editing ch 9 + 10! so if there is anything confusing here please ask me in the comments, i edited this chapter as best i can but there's a lot going on and if something is not clear i would like to improve it <3
Chapter Text
Seungmin ends up sticking the issue on the backburner— damn, the backburner is crammed, he’s going to have to clear it out soon— and focuses on other things.
He watches his classmates start to decide where they will go. The anxiety from the past few months finally dissipates, people finding places to settle down. Pictures of university t-shirts and logos begin popping up on Instagram and it makes him smile. Class of 2019 is going places.
Felix got accepted to UCLA and Seungmin thinks with mild amusement that he’ll have to contend with another friend in California.
“Don’t go falling for me, too,” Felix jokes.
You’ll be in Los Angeles , Seungmin thinks. I only like boys from San Francisco . He of course says no such thing. “You know, sometimes you really aren’t funny as you think you are,” he says instead, which does not deter Felix from cracking up.
But it’s also surreal, in a way, the realization that they’re all about to head in different directions. That some of these people who he’s walked the same halls with for the past four years, he might not ever see again. And then there’s his own headache and the May 1 deadline. Seungmin misses being sure of himself.
At least he knows some other people will waffle to the very end with him, like Hyunjin. Unfortunately, this means Seungmin keeps his mouth shut about his own issue on his phone calls, and Hyunjin has no idea that Seungmin might not be going to the school he said he would go to in February.
Seungmin wants to rewind time, but it’s impossible. Life only goes forward. And even though he has the issue on the backburner he keeps on thinking about it. Nights where he lies awake and contemplates his mom’s words and his own hypocrisy.
He wishes that he were someone who being good came naturally to, someone who naturally fit social norms. A square peg sitting nice and comfortable in a square hole. Yeah, that would be so nice.
---
“I,” Lia groans, planting her head on the desk. “am so tired.”
“Me too,” Seungmin agrees. It’s a free-response day, which means that he and Lia can talk. At this point they’ve done so many free responses that it’s mostly fill in the blanks, although Lia occasionally doesn’t know where to get started and Seungmin still cannot remember what the buttons on his calculator do.
“Do you want lemon cake? My friend gave me some last period,” Lia says. Seungmin nods and she holds the tupperware out toward him before pulling it back to her chest. “I mean, do you mind that it isn’t artificially grape flavored, because you’re crazy—”
“— Stop,” Seungmin groans, and she laughs before handing him a piece. It’s good lemon cake. Homemade.
“It’s cool seeing where everybody’s going,” Lia says, resting her chin on her hand. “I mean, I never got to be part of the craze, because I’m just going to Lane to avoid going bankrupt fulfilling my gen eds, but it’s interesting seeing other people, you know?”
“I get that,” Seungmin says, preoccupied with fighting off her pen from where it’s trying to doodle a ladybug on his worksheet.
“You’re going to UIC, right? That’s pretty close. We should meet up sometime.”
“Well,” Seungmin says, hesitating, and she takes the moment to add some spots on the wings of the ladybug. “I don’t know. My mom brought up maybe going to UIUC instead.”
“Oh god, you’re going to the cornfield too?” she asks, which makes him laugh.
“I don’t know yet.”
“Well, why?” she asks.
“Because,” he says, “I was going to go to UIC for computer engineering, but she sort of called me out for hating computer engineering, and said maybe I should go to UIUC for undecided instead, and now I don’t know.”
Lia taps her pen on her chin. “Did you just want to get that off your chest, or do you want to hear my opinion on it?”
“Well, now I’m curious what your opinion on it is,” Seungmin says.
“Okay, then, hear me out,” Lia says, and gestures at him. “You’re like, crazy smart. Maybe not at English because that shit makes no sense but I’m your classmate in Stats and Physics and you always know what you’re doing.”
“I’m not—”
“But you’re not insufferable about being smart like some people are, you’re kind and well-spoken and that’s why we’re friends. And so I always thought — whatever you do, you’d be good at it. You know?” She shrugs. “And if you got stuck behind a screen when you want to be doing something else, just because you think it’s what you should be doing, that would just be really sad.”
She pauses for a moment, trying to sum up her thoughts. “I guess, what I’m trying to say is that you should go do what you want to do. Because I’m sure you’d find your way no matter what.”
Seungmin just looks at her for a moment. It’s weird, he’s the photographer, the one looking out through the lens. He never thought anybody would be looking at him right back. “I don’t know,” he says finally. “But thank you for saying that. It’s the nicest thing I’ve heard in a while.”
“It’s just my input, it’s ultimately your decision,” she says. “And anyway, how do you not like comp sci? It’s so interesting.”
“Yeah, let’s agree to disagree.”
Lia ends up doodling more ladybugs on his free response and he lets her.
---
I can switch from comp sci when I don’t like it , Seungmin thinks to himself, one final night. But if I know I’ll switch doesn’t that mean I shouldn’t go into it at all?
He goes downstairs. His dad is watching a movie on the computer, headphones on. Seungmin suddenly wonders why he is wearing pajamas for this conversation and goes to at least put some socks on.
His dad takes his headphones off. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t want to do computer science,” he blurts out. “I don’t.”
His dad sighs. “Your mom told me you might change your mind like this.”
Seungmin can’t read his face.
“It’s the most stable job out there and it’s a growing field,” his dad says. “How are you sure? You’re too young to know if you like something or not.”
“Then let me try other things out,” Seungmin says. He can’t stand the expression his dad is wearing but he holds his ground, concentrating on the feeling of the wooden floor against his feet.
“Let me tell you something.” His dad stands up, pushing the chair back. “You’re never going to find a job you like one hundred percent. It isn’t possible. And if you go looking for it you might find you’ll never have a job at all.”
Seungmin is suddenly aware of the two inches he has on his dad, and the thirty years his dad has on him. “I know that,” Seungmin says. “I don’t want to find a job I like one hundred percent. I just want one I don’t feel trapped in.”
“You don’t know what it’s like to be poor,” his dad says. “You might think you know everything but you don’t know how lucky you are to have all this. Dreams are for those who have never experienced having nothing.”
His dad is pushing all of the buttons, all of the things Seungmin has considered. But here is the thing— Seungmin has his insecurities, but he isn’t an insecure person. He has his own quiet streak of confidence, a faith in himself that’s gotten him this far. He has to be sure of himself since he grew up in a world never sure of itself.
“Maybe you think I’m wrong,” he says finally. “But I want to try.”
“So you want to go to UIUC?”
“Yes.”
They stare each other off. His dad breaks eye contact first. “It’s your life, I can’t stop you,” he finally says, with all the air of someone watching someone else step on the path to ruin. He slides his headphones back on and Seungmin walks to the kitchen to get a glass of water before he goes back upstairs.
He feels like he might throw up. His dad’s voice, so certain that Seungmin is doing something he’s going to regret in the future, is almost enough to change his mind. But once Seungmin says he’ll do something, he’ll do it. He cracks a smile.
He’s reliable like that.
---
May 1.
Seungmin
Hey Jisung
I’m going to UIUC next year
Jisung
WORM
REALLY????
we should be roommates
(At this, Seungmin has this terrible sense of foreboding, but is not quite sure where it came from).
He doesn’t click on Hyunjin’s conversation thread. Right now it’s like Schrodinger’s decision: Hyunjin is going to both UIUC and Harvard, will be flying to both Illinois and Massachusetts in the fall. Seungmin tells himself it will be okay either way. If Hyunjin is off to Harvard, Seungmin will be strong enough to let him go.
There’s a notification and Seungmin scrambles to open it.
Hyunjin
aaayyyyyy
blue and orange baby !!
ugh that doesn’t go with my skin tone at all ;-;
Seungmin
Hyunjin for the love of god
Can you say it out directly just this once
Hyunjin
i’m going to uiuc !!!!!!!!!
Seungmin
Nice
So am I
Hyunjin
no you’re going to uic?
Seungmin
No I’m going to UIUC.
Hyunjin
?????
WHAT THE FUCK
SINCE WHEN????
Seungmin
Since today, actually.
Hyunjin
EXPLAIN OVER THE WEEKEND.
SERIOUSLY YOU CAN’T JUST DROP THAT SORT OF BOMB ON ME
WE’RE GOING TO THE SAME SCHOOL?????
Seungmin
Calm down
Hyunjin
I WILL NOT!!!!!
It’s a slow realization, trickling down his throat like honey. It’s like Seungmin is so accustomed to being patient, to only meeting Hyunjin in the shadow space between their phones, that the thought of their real-life spheres intersecting almost doesn’t register with him. That he would have Hyunjin. That he would really have Hyunjin.
He never allowed himself to think about it because to think about it and then have it actually not happen would hurt too badly, so Seungmin checks their messages over and over to make sure that it’s real, that Hyunjin is coming here. That their cornfield which gets so much flack will contain Hyunjin Hwang in a few months.
The thought is so dizzying that Seungmin only lets himself think about it at night, studying for his biology exam, when the world has fallen quiet and it’s time to dream anyway.
He’s on a problem about cellular respiration when his phone rings. Seungmin looks at the contact name and rolls his eyes in slight exasperation (and fondness). He puts the practice exam away and picks up. “Audio check,” Seungmin says.
“I can hear you,” Hyunjin says. “Hey, what the fuck? Explain? You said you were going to UIC!”
Seungmin shrugs although Hyunjin can’t see him. “Near the beginning of April it was starting to become clear I didn’t actually want to go into comp sci,” he says. “Since I’m automatically in the undecided track for UIUC I decided to go there.”
It sounds so simple when he puts it like that. Like he didn’t spend weeks waffling and agonizing over it, and there’s still a shadow of doubt in his mind that he might not have made the right decision.
“Didn’t you say you would call me over the weekend?” Seungmin asks “Today is Wednesday. You have AP tests you said you were going to study for.”
“I was so confused yet excited about your messages, I couldn’t wait or study,” Hyunjin groans. Seungmin is mildly amused that Hyunjin is the more high-achieving of the two of them. “And also, what the hell? How could you not tell me, and for a whole month ? I never thought I’d say this to you but fuck you, Seungmin.”
“Say it a little louder, it might actually sound like an insult then,” Seungmin says. “And I couldn’t tell you… I know you get annoyed when I say that I don’t want to influence your decision but you influence my decision, too, you know? And I just wanted to think it through on my own.”
“That’s so logical, I hate it,” Hyunjin says.
“Although you might have influenced my decision anyway,” Seungmin admits. “I saw you doing a difficult thing on your end, and I thought, hey, if you can be brave, then so can I. It wasn’t that easy to switch. I always thought I’d go into comp sci.”
“I could tell from your essay,” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin laughs at that. “You’re a naturally good writer, and since you were struggling so much there must have been a reason.”
“Okay, Hyunjin, you can save your hindsight.”
“What, you don’t want to hear about how I was right all along?”
“Shut up,” Seungmin says. Hyunjin is laughing on his end too. It sounds a little breathless and drunk in a way that is— well, hopefully— not due to alcohol. “My dad is not very happy with me right now.”
“Oh, tell me about it, my parents think I ruined my life,” Hyunjin says breezily. “I’m glad I have tutoring at the writing center tomorrow because I don’t think they can stand to look at me.”
Seungmin frowns. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, it isn’t your fault,” Hyunjin says. “And I know you said you didn’t want us to factor into each other’s decisions but I guess we got here naturally, huh? We’re going to the same school next year.”
There’s no mirror in Seungmin’s room, but he catches his reflection in the darkened window and has to turn away so he doesn’t acknowledge how wide he’s smiling. “It’s funny, it’s usually the other way around,” he says. “Senior year is so rough because everyone’s paths are diverging. But for us it’s the opposite way.”
“And I don’t mind that! I really, really do not mind that,” Hyunjin says. “Senior year was rough for us anyway, so at least we have that.”
“Sorry you didn’t get to live your YA tropes.”
“Seungmin I know you’re joking but I’m so happy right now,” Hyunjin says, voice soft. “I can’t believe we’ll see each other on campus next year. I was gonna be cool with a two hour commute from where you are so this is insane.”
“Yeah. It’s crazy.”
And it is silent for a moment, in appreciation of how crazy it is. It is silent because even though Hyunjin is a wordsmith and Seungmin is well-spoken, some things you just don’t need to say.
---
On Friday there is the senior picnic. The sky is cooperative, a mix of cartoon white clouds and blue gaps in between. Instead of eating lunch in the cafeteria, the twelfth grade is spread out on the field, sitting on blankets and towels.
Seungmin is sitting with Lia, the two of them eating out of the brown paper lunches they’ve been distributed. It’s not so much about the food, and more about everybody wearing merch to show where they’re headed. Seungmin is wearing one of Chan’s UIUC t-shirts, and Lia is wearing a purple and white t-shirt with Lane College’s logo emblazoned across the chest.
“It’s weird to see the proof that we’re all going in different directions,” Lia comments. “Like I don’t know half of these people, and I don’t like half of these people, but it’s just weird. It’s been four years.”
“Yeah,” Seungmin agrees. There’s a chunk of people who are also wearing UIUC t-shirts, but they aren’t people he knows terribly well. Seungmin supposes if he ever saw them on campus he’d say hi, simply due to familiarity.
He joined the UIUC class of 2023 page on Facebook. It’s more amusing than useful— as freshmen everybody is so unnaturally anxious and polite, all “hmu”s and “add me on Snapchat”s and “i’m looking for a roomie so if anyone is down”s! Seungmin supposes he’s impressed by the people who were brave enough to post in the first place, though. There’s no way he’s putting himself out there like that.
HJ @hyunfortunately 5h
y’all WHAT am i gonna do at uni i haven’t befriended someone since third grade
|
HJ @hyunfortunately 5h
me, to the person next to me in the lecture hall: omg your pencil case has so many pockets ;-; can we be friends
|
Min @myday325 30m
Are you going to say the ;-; out loud
|
HJ @hyunfortunately 1s
? i literally don’t know you? shut up
Seungmin checks the notification then sticks his phone back in his pocket.
“So,” Lia comments, “since the school year is ending and everything, will you finally tell me who your secret lover is?”
Seungmin stares at her, wide-eyed, and doesn’t say anything.
“Okay, I was kidding, I figured you might have joined a fandom or something and that was why you smiled at your phone so much,” she says. “But judging by your reaction I’m right?”
“Hey, you guys!” Felix says, flopping down on the blanket wearing his UCLA t-shirt. “What did I walk into?”
“Did you know about Seungmin’s secret lover?” Lia asks, and Seungmin sighs and contemplates sticking his head into the nearby crack in the dirt.
Felix looks like keeping his mouth shut is physically paining him. Seungmin is embarrassed enough that it’s physically paining him, but he figures Lia would be chill— she went to watch Love, Simon the day it came out, then told him about how it was good but the book was better (honestly, she might be good friends with Hyunjin). And she deserves to know since she figured it out herself.
“Go ahead, you can say it,” Seungmin says to Felix, dryly. “I know you’re dying to.”
“Seungmin is kind of in a relationship with this guy from California and he is really fucking hot,” Felix says all in one breath, which is not the way Seungmin would have phrased it, but he supposes that it gets the message across.
“Oh, wow,” Lia says. “Long distance, huh?”
Seungmin shrugs. “He’s going to UIUC, too.”
“He’s WHAT NOW,” Felix says, extremely excited.
“Felix, please.”
“That’s incredible,” Felix stresses. “Let me meet him! Wait, goddammit, I can’t meet him, though, because then I’ll be in California.”
“You should have just stayed in the cornfield with the rest of us,” Seungmin says, not meaning it but also sort of meaning it, because Seungmin is happy on Felix’s behalf that Felix is going to follow his dreams, but also sad on his own behalf because Felix is his friend and Seungmin will miss him. “Then you could meet him.”
“You have like this whole secret life,” Lia says to Seungmin. “I’ve been duped.”
“Sorry.”
“Is he going to prom with you, then?” she asks. “Or is he coming in the summer?”
“In the summer,” Seungmin says, and thinks about it, the promise of another chance at meeting. There’s not a set date for Hyunjin’s arrival yet but it’s a when , not an if , which is infinitely better. “So no prom.”
“Are you going to prom, though?” Lia asks. “If you’re not I’ll be severely disappointed. That’s just too cynical.”
“I’m going to Field’s with my friend,” Seungmin says. Some time ago he called Jeongin and asked if Jeongin was going to prom, since as a junior he was allowed. Jeongin was hesitant, as he originally planned to go next year, but Seungmin said he would rather spend prom with Jeongin than go the one at his school, so Jeongin agreed.
Also, Field rents out an amusement park for after-prom, so there’s that.
“No way, I’m also going to Field’s with my friend,” Lia gasps. “We can go together!”
“You two are traitors,” Felix says.
“Says the one who is leaving us for California,” Lia says, and she and Seungmin high-five as Felix stares at them with a look of absolute devastation.
---
AP testing is a special kind of hell.
Seungmin has two tests. He knows Hyunjin has six or seven, but Hyunjin is flippant, since he knows several people who are tripling up on AP Bio, Chem, and Physics, which is aptly titled as going on death row. Seungmin doesn’t know anyone on death row. His school might not have geniuses, but the students have common sense.
Anyway, Hyunjin might not think much of it, but he tells Seungmin that May is another hell month for him. Hyunjin ends school later than Seungmin, and Seungmin knows that Hyunjin will always make time for him, but Seungmin promises himself that he’s going to try and be mindful of Hyunjin’s schedule so the other can graduate in peace.
“Two down, one to go,” Felix says, after they straggle out of the auditorium after Bio, every mitochondrion in their bodies completely done with being the powerhouse of the cell.
“You think you did okay?” Seungmin asks.
“I don’t even remember what was on the test,” Felix says. “I just blacked out for three hours.”
Seungmin laughs, tired. He’s about to ask, what about the finals, but then he remembers, oh yeah, seniors don’t have finals. It should be an amazing feeling but it just confuses Seungmin, because the ends of his past three years have been defined by a scantron but this year it will be by a diploma.
“After the Calc BC the final one-third of my brain will be gone and my skull will be nice and empty,” Felix says happily. “Bye, brain. Good fucking riddance.”
The next Thursday Seungmin sits next to Lia for the AP Stats test. Seungmin finishes the free response ten minutes early, draws a fried egg on the last question because he isn’t sure how to answer, and looks around the room. Someone is praying. Lia is rubbing her eyes. Even her ponytail looks like it’s struggling.
Seungmin looks back at the sixth question. He genuinely has no idea what’s going on in it— he spent the whole year learning how to construct a confidence interval with his calculator, but this question mocks all of his hard effort. It’s fine.
This is the last big test of the year. The last big test of high school. That’s kind of crazy.
Seungmin hopes there are good memes.
Chan comes home and it reminds Seungmin of last year. He feels like although time always moves forward, there’s little pools of it that seem to flow cyclically.
It’s been a crazy few months, though.
The next day is senior ditch day. Well, Orchard’s Class of 2019 is a mess, unable to coordinate a day for everyone to ditch, so it’s more like choose one of three ditch days. Seungmin and Felix just pick the same one, Friday right before pro, and agree to meet up at Felix’s house in the afternoon.
However, in the morning, Seungmin doesn’t have much to do, so he sleeps in and checks social media after he’s eaten breakfast. On Instagram are all the pictures from the senior picnic. Jeongin texted him a few days ago that it was strange, seeing all those pictures of people in college shirts. Tell me about it , Seungmin thinks.
All of a sudden it’s hitting him that senior year is really ending. Maybe because AP testing is done and there are no finals. It’s like he’s listening to the outro of a song. He shakes that thought off, spends the day finishing up Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, and heads to Felix’s house at five.
“Hey,” Felix says. “What’d you do with your ditch day?”
“Absolutely nothing,” Seungmin says. Minho pops up out of nowhere to say hi, then pops away just as quickly.
“He’s tired,” Felix explains. “Finals killed him.”
Seungmin nods, understanding. “What’d you do with your ditch day?” he asks.
“Went to Chicago,” Felix says. “I visited Eric.”
Seungmin thinks that of the two of them, Felix’s life is the more sitcom-esque one, because he and Eric broke up but then they weren’t broken up, or at least Felix said something about them not being just friends anymore, and it’s confusing, but probably no more confusing than the average high school relationship.
“Oh,” Seungmin says. “Uh— what’s the deal with him, again?”
“Same as you. Sort-of boyfriend.” Felix offers a sad smile. “No, I just, I know we’re not going to have a happy ending. We’re both terrible at responding and like, I already know it won’t work out, it’s not like books, but…”
“But?”
“I like him. You know? I feel like if we met in different circumstances it would’ve been better. Or if we were going to be in the same city. In any case, he agreed to go to prom with me.”
Seungmin doesn’t know what to say. It’s a dream to go to prom with someone you like, that’s the ultimate high school capstone, but at the same time it’s bittersweet because it marks an end. “Are you happy about that?” Seungmin asks, finally.
“It’s a waste of breath to be sad about it, so yes,” Felix says. “You wanna go play Minecraft?”
The last time they played Minecraft Seungmin dug himself into a hole and lost his bearings, and the only reason Felix rescued him was because Seungmin accidentally found some diamonds while at it. Still, it’s better than Call of Duty. “Alright, let’s do it.”
---
Field’s prom has a beach theme this year, and it’s called Dance the Night Away . Seungmin is curious as to who was the Once on student council that pulled that one off. Chan is appropriately jealous that he never had a Twice-inspired prom; he offers to be Seungmin’s plus one. Seungmin politely declines.
“It’s not even my school,” Seungmin protests, when Chan gives him the cold shoulder. “The only reason I’m allowed to go is because I’m with Jeongin.”
They had to register themselves as a couple to get tickets, which was all sorts of amusing. Lia had done the same with Chaeryeong. It works out since Chaeryeong and Jeongin actually know each other, so they’re going in what appears to be a perfect double-date, except neither Seungmin nor Chaeryeong swings that way.
“Are you gonna take pictures of, like, you this year?” Chan asks. “Mom was complaining that you take all these great pictures and you’re not even in any of them.”
“I think she might murder me if I don’t,” Seungmin says. “So yes.”
Lia’s house is the designated meet-up spot, and then afterward the four of them will head to the place Field’s rented out.
“It’s a trap,” Lia groans, when she tells Seungmin about this plan. “My parents just want a professional photographer for free. You have no idea how happy they are about this.”
Seungmin laughs. “I’m glad to be of service.”
When he and Jeongin get there and ring the doorbell, it’s Chaeryeong who answers. “Lia is still getting ready,” she explains, looking mildly exasperated but also used to it.
Seungmin figures that he and Jeongin are lucky; all they have to do is make sure the tuxedo fits and that they use an okay amount of hair gel. Seungmin has heard the girls in Stats complain about the cost of getting nails done, getting hair done, getting makeup done, and buying a dress that looks okay without needing to fork over a down payment.
“You look great,” Jeongin tells Chaeryeong. She’s wearing a deep pink dress that makes her look like a princess, and her hair falls in curls down her back. “I like the dress.”
“Thank you! Lia and I got our dresses at a sale for twenty-five dollars each and I gotta say, we don’t look half bad. And speaking of Lia—” she screams up the staircase “— HEY LIA ARE YOU DONE OVER THERE?”
“ALMOST!” Lia screams back. A moment later there’s the sound of a door opening along with the fretting sounds of a mom telling Lia to be careful , before Lia, dress hiked up, runs down the staircase. “Hi,” she says, sort of breathless. “The hair took longer than I thought.”
Lia’s hair is half-up in a pretty but impossibly complicated network of braids, the rest cascading down her back. “It is slightly different from your usual ponytail,” Seungmin comments.
“Just slightly,” Lia agrees.
“You look so cute,” Chaeryeong tells her.
Lia beams. Her dress is midnight blue, the neckline a wide V, a silver necklace at her collarbones. “Thank you, you look gorgeous too.”
Lia’s parents offer them food, and Seungmin feels Lia’s dad’s gaze zero in on the camera slung around his neck. Seungmin takes a sandwich and Lia mouths at him, don’t do it, you’re selling them your soul .
But Seungmin really doesn’t mind that after their stomachs have been appropriately lined, they’re herded out to the nearby park and Lia’s dad says, “Seungmin, is it okay if you take some pictures and send them to us? I’m sure you’re far more skilled.” He’s genuinely happy with this arrangement, even if Lia thinks he’s being used. It isn’t every day he gets to take such nice photos.
Lia, Chaeryeong, and Jeongin obediently pose for a series of snapshots, and then Seungmin gives the camera to Lia’s parents.
“Would you take some, too?” he asks. “My mom would really like a few with me included.”
“Of course,” Lia’s mom says, and Seungmin gets into the picture.
“Is being on this side of the camera a new experience for you?” Lia whispers, and Jeongin cracks up.
Eventually, Lia comments that if they don’t go now they’ll be stuck in a photoshoot for the rest of the night, so they pile into Seungmin’s car and go. Lia kicks off her heels as soon as she sits down, silver to match the necklace, and Chaeryeong says, “Let’s all pray that the DJ doesn’t suck.”
“Amen,” Seungmin says.
He knows his music taste doesn’t align quite perfectly with what’s mainstream, but he would rather that the DJ didn’t boost the bass until nothing else can be heard and drive it even farther from what he would rather listen to.
The prom committee has done a number with the Dance The Night Away theme; the lighting on the walls makes it look like ocean waves wash around them, and palm trees and seashells decorate the room. Unfortunately, the regular dinner that is offered is dry and tasteless, but Chaeryeong got the vegetarian option which is infinitely better so they all end up sharing her noodles.
And then they dance. It is, after all, a dance at heart.
There’s something magical about prom, even if it’s just on the surface, and inside are petri dishes of drama stemmed from group chats and who’s going with who and parties after, and kids might be ditching to vape or drink or have sex in cars in ways that are decidedly less magical than movies portray.
Maybe it’s because it’s a cornerstone of a high school experience. Sure, you can call it overrated. It’s just one night, anyway. What could it be about?
Seungmin thinks he gets it. It’s just one night, imperfect and ephemeral, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be. He remembers Hyunjin talking about how he wished he could go to prom with someone he really liked, last year when they still didn’t know how much they would like each other.
Seungmin wouldn’t have minded going to prom to Hyunjin. He would have loved it, actually.
But he wouldn’t trade this out, either, dancing to terrible music surrounded by the student body of his rival school. He thinks he’s lucky to go with Jeongin, his best friend; Lia, the girl who made several of his high school classes bearable; and Chaeryeong, a girl who he gets along with well enough that he thinks they could be good friends, but if not, they can just pass these hours together.
In the night it’s cool and the stars are out, with the moon suspended in between. Six Flags is empty, and all those students spill into the amusement park that is all theirs for the time being. Lia yells when she’s dragged onto the Raging Bull, screams ripped out into the air as they tip down an almost vertical fall.
Seungmin goes on X-Flight a few times. It’s not the craziest rollercoaster but the way it seats him, he can almost pretend that he’s up in the air of his own accord, wind rushing through his wings.
---
Senior year doesn’t seem like it will ever end until it does. The last day suddenly pops into the distance, getting closer and closer. There are no more lessons in classes, now, all anyone does is hang out and eat food and text people. Lia brings cards and she and Seungmin play Nervous Breakdown and Egyptian Rat Slap in Statistics.
The blackboard at the back of the room is open for drawing and it’s already graffitied six ways to Sunday.
“It’s strange, because I spent so much time the last four years ready for all this to end,” Lia comments. “But now that it’s actually ending I’m kind of like, hold up, give me a sec. You know?”
“Yeah, I do,” Seungmin says. There’s a double and Lia’s hand comes down as fast as lightning, claiming the pile.
Lia is right. They’ve spent so much time searching for the light at the end of the tunnel that now that they’ve gotten there they hover uncertainly, wanting to take a step back. But that’s impossible.
Suddenly it’s the last day of school. It’s a half day, twenty minutes each period. The hallway has a musty smell, like endings and rain. It’s the same smell as the last day of second grade, and suddenly Seungmin is seven again, wearing the same sneakers as he is now but in a smaller size. Some things never change.
Seungmin can pick out the juniors in Stats by how tired and bored they look. It isn’t the last day of school for them, even for this year— they still have finals to go through. They are, however, excited when Mrs. J announces that she made cookies, take your pick out of three flavors. The chalkboard at the back of the room is open for drawing.
“You wanna sign my yearbook?” the girl who sits in front of him asks. Her name is Olivia and sometimes Seungmin stares at the purple streaks in her black hair when he’s stuck during tests.
Seungmin takes the proferred pen and opens her yearbook. Seungmin isn’t quite sure what to say, but also doesn’t want to be the asshole who writes H.A.G.S. either.
In the end, he’s the asshole who writes You’re pretty cool, have a good summer!
“Last day, huh? What are the chances we survived?” Lia asks from his side, as they watch a few of their classmates turn the chalkboard into a viable wall of graffiti.
“Zero. We’re statistical anomalies.”
Lia laughs, and opens her yearbook. “You took a bunch of these pictures, right?” she asks, gesturing at the bundle of glossy pages.
“Some.” Seungmin doesn’t remember exactly which ones he took. He takes his own yearbook out of his backpack and opens it, looks at all of these people, many which he doesn’t know but he must have passed in the hallway.
Yearbooks are terribly expensive and Orchard’s is arguably lame and unprofessional, but they’re a collection of memories and that’s good enough. Seungmin doesn’t care if they aren’t his memories or that the captions on his photos are drier than sawdust. He thinks that these moments must be important to at least one person. Someone lived it, and someone else took the snapshot.
“Damn, they make the freshmen smaller and smaller every year,” Lia says.
“They really do.”
“Do you wanna sign mine?” she asks. “I’ll sign yours.”
“Will you kill me if I write HAGS?”
“You might not make it to graduation, yeah.”
Seungmin laughs. Takes her pen and writes a paragraph easily. It isn’t hard to write something when you genuinely like to write it. Because in truth, when Seungmin thinks of these years at Orchard High, he thinks a lot of Lia.
His high school experience isn’t as fruitful as the movies expect it to be, but Seungmin has never cared much about societal expectations, anyway. For him, the good moments and the ones that stick with him are the simple kind. And for him, that’s Lia. She asked him to sit with her in Physics last year, initiating conversation even though most people only talk with the friends they’ve already made by that time. And he remembers: running jokes about Mr. Sun’s mustache, quips on his teaching abilities, poking her in class when she was falling asleep.
You write something like I wish I got to know you better on people’s yearbooks and maybe you think you mean it, but you really don’t. Because you had four years and you didn’t get to know them better. Lia is someone Seungmin did get to know, even though he didn’t mean to, and somewhere between everything they wound up friends.
Maybe they won’t be friends, afterward. They did always rely on the classes they had together to talk— Seungmin has her number, she gave it to him when she was sick and needed the homework, but they never texted unless there was something they had to text about. So he doesn’t know but that’s okay. Thanks for making school bearable , he writes. I wish you the world in college . Seungmin hopes for her happiness, and success if she wants it.
He follows her on Instagram, so he’ll see her on his feed. At least he’s guaranteed that.
“Wow,” she sighs. “Can you believe graduation is tonight?”
“I really, really cannot.”
---
Seungmin can’t figure out how to get the graduation cap onto his head. His head is round, and the cap is square, and whoever designed this system clearly didn’t account for this confusion.
Eventually he gives up and accepts the state it is. “Nice gown,” Chan teases. “You think the school got those on sale?”
“You act like you weren’t wearing this exact same thing two years ago,” Seungmin retorts.
“Seungmin, camera,” their mom says, and Seungmin rolls his eyes and hands his Canon over. She says he’s not allowed to take pictures with it tonight until his picture has been taken at least several times. Chan looks appropriately amused. Seungmin hopes that she doesn’t cry the way she cried at Chan’s graduation but that’s probably too tall of an order to fulfill.
The arena they’re graduating in is massive. The energy is frantic, attempting to pull a ceremony like this off, and Seungmin tries to listen to the directions he’s hearing from all sides and not accidentally sit anywhere he isn’t supposed to sit. It’s hot under the gown. Class of 2019 is corralled into alphabetical order, ironically like kids on an elementary school roll call all over again.
Eventually Seungmin gets into the right seat. The lights are blinding. The freshmen to juniors of their school orchestra provides background music, and Seungmin thinks how for them it’s just a matter of getting the song right, but in time they’ll get it. They’ll be the ones the music is being played for, and it’ll be a strange feeling. Seungmin isn’t immune to the atmosphere, nobody is.
It’s the last page of a book before it snaps shut and if nothing else people want to nail the ending.
“Good evening, everyone. Welcome tonight to the graduation of Orchard’s Class of 2019,” the principal says, and the ceremony commences.
Most of it is like a movie. Seungmin watches his classmates walking across the stage, listens to the speeches, registers the cheers of all the friends and family in the stands. He feels like a cameraman without the camera in his hand.
He picks out the goliaths of their grade: the one who everyone says is going to cure cancer, the one who scored the winning point at the football match, the one who already plays piano for a professional orchestra, the one who says the funniest shit in class. He claps loudest for his friends, the ones whose names are associated with memories, and claps for his acquaintances too, because hey, he knows them.
He replays the past four years in his head because he can’t help it. There are no do-overs, but something about all this makes him think about what he could have done differently. That he should have made more friends, should have went to more events.
But the truth is high school kind of sucks no matter what. It was always going to have loneliness and confusion and staying up past midnight for homework, classes where he trained his eyes on the clock, desperately ready for the period to be over. It was always going to be wondering if he was good enough, thinking everyone else had something he didn’t, feeling like he didn’t belong.
It was all that but he doesn’t mind. That’s what the past four years were for, to grow. Ultimately, he accepts that he has no regrets.
“Seungmin Kim,” the principal calls, and Seungmin gets up. There’s cheering but he can’t tell from who. He walks across the stage, shakes the principal’s hand, accepts his diploma and sits back down.
The rest is a blur. But he remembers what comes after. His mom is crying. It’s understandable because so many people are crying, especially the ones who said they wouldn’t cry. While Seungmin is dry-eyed many of those he knows are not as lucky. He remembers getting his camera back. He remembers getting asked to take pictures.
He remembers being a high school photographer for the last time.
---
And so it ends.
Summer tastes different from all the ones he’s had before. Twelve years of schooling, over. It’s the space between the end of one book and the start of another one and he doesn’t quite know what to do when there are no pages to read from.
He knows his family is visiting South Korea in June for two weeks. Seungmin hasn’t been there for years. They’re going to go see his grandma and grandpa on his dad’s side, so technically Seungmin isn’t blood-related to them, but last time he visited his grandma fussed over him the exact way she fussed over Chan and that was nice.
Their grandpa is forgetting things. He can’t recall Seungmin’s name or who he is, but he’s very polite.
Chan is in their room making music and Seungmin doesn’t want to disturb him, so he steps outside to call Hyunjin. There’s a back door that leads to the kitchen and he sits on the stone step that just into the ground. There’s a gentle slope of grass that leads away from it to the nearby cul-de-sac and he stares out at it.
It smells like rain. The sky is gray and puffy, and it isn’t hot but it’s humid, like he’s in a swimming pool.
“Hi,” Seungmin says, when Hyunjin picks up.
“Hey. Can you hear me?”
“Yeah.”
“You just graduated, right?” Hyunjin asks, and Seungmin makes a noise of affirmation. “Congrats, I wish I could’ve been there. I would’ve cheered.”
Hyunjin graduates in two weeks. He does, unfortunately, have finals. “You’re in the last stretch,” Seungmin says. “And then it’ll be summer.”
“That it will be.”
They continue to talk and Seungmin feels like something is off. He doesn’t mean that Hyunjin is drunk again. Hyunjin sounds— Stiff. Quiet. He sounds further than usual and that’s an impressive feat considering he’s already over on the other side of America.
“Hey,” Seungmin says cautiously. “Is everything alright?”
Hyunjin doesn’t say anything and Seungmin gets this bad feeling.
“I was just thinking,” Hyunjin says. “When we go to university, you should see other people.”
What.
“Okay, what brought this on,” Seungmin asks, but he’s already flipping through his mental records of the past month, looking for clues.
My parents think I ruined my life , Seungmin recalls Hyunjin saying, glossing over it, exactly like he had glossed over his deferral from Harvard. Seungmin hadn’t picked it up. How could he have not picked it up?
Seungmin knows. Because it was May, and he was too busy trying to sort out his own life, and Hyunjin is very, very good at talking about all the things except the things that matter. Maybe if they knew each other in real life, Seungmin would have seen the signs. Maybe he would have realized.
In any case, he was late. And now he looks at the past month through Hyunjin’s eyes: his parents’ anger and his classmates’ condescension, that feeling of fear after breaking rules that shouldn’t exist in the first place, that gorgeous stained-glass heart shattering to pieces, that wide expanse of mind clouding with doubt.
How alone, Hyunjin must have felt.
“I’m just saying, UIUC is big,” Hyunjin says. “You’ll probably meet someone who’s better for you than me.”
“I don’t think even Earth is big enough for me to find someone like you,” Seungmin retorts. “Haven’t I told you this before? I like you. I want to stay with you until you get tired of me, not until you think I’m tired of you.”
“You just think that, okay?” Hyunjin says. “You’re wrong.”
“What am I wrong about?”
“You don’t know me,” Hyunjin says, frustration and sadness coloring his voice. “You don’t know what I’m like in real life at all. I put up this front for you, I present this better version of myself, just so you could like me. But it wasn’t me.”
“Then who was it?” Seungmin asks. “If it wasn’t you, who was it? I was talking to you. Everything you say, everything you write, it comes from you.”
“I’m good with words,” Hyunjin says. “And I’m good at bullshit, and I made you believe I’m this person that I’m not.”
“Give yourself a break, Hyunjin,” Seungmin says. He checks his phone to make sure there’s enough battery because he doesn’t want this conversation to end before he can get Hyunjin out of his own head. “You didn’t quote-quote make me believe anything. I’m good at telling when people are genuine. I know you.”
“You can’t be sure of that,” Hyunjin asks. “You’ve never seen me in real life.”
“I video-called you with Changbin.”
“That was one time.” There’s this note in Hyunjin’s voice like deep down he knows he isn’t making complete sense right now but he won’t acknowledge it.
“And it was enough,” Seungmin says. “I just, you need to hear me out, okay? You think I’m seeing you incorrectly but maybe you’re the one seeing yourself incorrectly right now, maybe because of the last month.”
He doesn’t know how to continue with this. Seungmin is generally able to pull Hyunjin out of his slumps but this is on a level he hasn’t dealt with before.
“Fuck, how do you know about that?” Hyunjin swears. “ Yes , the last month was awful. So I’m telling you my life is a mess and there is nothing good that will come out of being with me so you should be with somebody else .”
“But you can’t tell me to do that,” Seungmin says. “You can’t just decide something like that on my behalf.”
He feels the humid air pressing down all around him, and he thinks about all those beautiful words floating inside Hyunjin’s mind like golden strings, how normally it’s like that but right now all those words are jammed, tangled, pulling Hyunjin’s thoughts into knots that aren’t logical but seem to Hyunjin like they are.
Seungmin thinks about how the last time Hyunjin got trapped into that maze of fun-house mirrors, Hyunjin tried to cut Seungmin off. As long as Seungmin’s on the other end of the line he’ll do his best to pull Hyunjin out of the darkness he’s trapped in, but if Hyunjin wants, all he has to do is end the call.
There has never been another time when he has hated the distance so much. He doesn’t care that it’s an inconvenience. Life is full of inconveniences. He cares that Hyunjin is hurting and Seungmin can’t climb through his window, pull Hyunjin close to him, kiss him until Hyunjin has forgotten his pain long enough to hear Seungmin out.
“Yes, I can,” Hyunjin says.
“If you’re asking me to let you go to go find my soulmate I’m telling you now I don’t believe in those,” Seungmin says. “I only know you. You’re the one who taught me to take a risk, and convinced me I was something more than average, and you made me stop existing and start living. To me that counts for everything.”
“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin says finally. “I can’t believe you.”
“I like you, Hyunjin,” Seungmin says. His free hand which is not holding his phone is clenched in a fist so tight his nails are digging crescents into his palms. “And if you think I’ll leave you’re wrong.”
“Then I’ll leave.” Hyunjin’s voice is so far away. “I have to go now. Goodbye.”
“Stay on the line,” Seungmin demands, but the call clicks shut. Seungmin closes his eyes, reeling. It’s like there’s stones in his chest and a desperate acid bleeding through his veins.
Footsteps come around the house.
“I wanted to get the mail before it started raining, and I thought I heard voices,” his dad says. Seungmin opens his eyes and stares at his dad, wondering how much he heard. It doesn’t matter. From the looks of it, it was enough.
If this was any other moment Seungmin would be afraid of that ice in his dad’s voice and the fire in his eyes, but he feels nothing. He feels numb. He looks past everything and into the gray, lightless sky.
“So,” his dad says. “And don’t lie to me this time. Who were you on the phone with?”
Chapter 9
Notes:
thank you to ao3 user standsinthetrees for looking this over i'm very grateful
heads up that in the first scene, seungmin is having a panic reaction and his dad is saying some shit so please keep a safe mental distance from the screen. okay now let’s continue with the story ~
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Seungmin is seated at the kitchen table.
His life flashes before his eyes, but all he feels is empty, like he isn’t Seungmin but rather a bystander watching this trainwreck unfold. His dad gets a cup of tea and sits across from him, and Seungmin prepares himself for the worst hour of his life.
“Explain,” his dad says.
“I was talking to Hyunjin,” Seungmin says, on autopilot. “He was who I was on the phone with.”
“And who is Hyunjin?”
“He is my friend from California,” Seungmin says. His body, ever so slightly, begins to tremble, like a leaf in the wind. “I met him last March on Twitter and we started talking. That was who I was always talking to.”
“You weren’t talking to Jeongin.”
“No.”
“You weren’t talking to Sam.”
“Hyunjin’s English name is Sam,” Seungmin says. His dad’s eyes are pitch black and Seungmin distantly thinks that he’s going to die.
“I heard you say on the phone that you liked him,” his dad says. “What did you mean by that? Did you mean this as a friend?”
“I like him,” Seungmin says. “I didn’t mean it as a friend. I like him as I want to be with him.”
Everything is out in the open now. For a second, Seungmin is almost relieved. He doesn’t have to lie anymore, he doesn’t have to hide. He doesn’t have to pretend to be someone he isn’t.
And then the fear kicks in. It overwhelms him, washes over him like a tsunami. His stomach twists so violently that he thinks that he might vomit and his body shakes so hard he has to try and keep himself in the chair. He can hear his heartbeat thudding against his chest. There’s a ringing in his ears. His vision blurs.
“So you lied,” his dad says. His voice is still terrifyingly neutral. “You lied to us for over a year.”
“Yes,” Seungmin whispers. “I’m sorry.”
And Seungmin can see it, the moment when fury sparks in his dad’s eyes, like a volcano finally exploding after a steady build up of magma. “ How could you do that ?” his dad roars. “How could you do something like that? Answer me .”
It’s a rhetorical question, and they both know it. “I don’t know.”
“It was your junior and senior year,” his dad spits. “I thought you were someone who was disciplined, someone who had his priorities straight, but instead of focusing on your studies you were secretly dating somebody? You pretended you were working your hardest when you weren’t working hard at all.”
“I wasn’t dating him,” Seungmin says. He doesn’t know why he says this. It’s unbelievably useless. But it’s like his brain has shut down, and all he wants to do is run far, far away.
“Don’t lie to me! Don’t lie to me anymore!” his dad shouts. “You’re seventeen, how can you even be thinking about something like love? And with a boy? Is Hyunjin a boy?”
“Yes,” Seungmin says, and he is about to apologize again, but he realizes this is something he can’t apologize for. And so in one last stance of bravery he adds, “And I don’t know if it’s love, but I really do like him.” At this his throat closes up, unable to say anything more.
He wonders if he’ll cry. Maybe if he does, it would make his dad forgive him easier, but all he can do is sit there stone-still and pale, and take the volley of words his dad hurls at him. Perhaps it’s because Seungmin thinks it’s justified. Perhaps because even with how awful all this is he won’t have to pretend anymore.
“How dare you say that, you met him on the internet, you don’t even know who he is,” his dad says, and Seungmin feels his heart break. “How can you be so stupid to believe you know who he is?”
“I do,” Seungmin chokes out.
“Even if that’s true— it’s wrong. I liked people in high school but it was all nonsense then, it didn’t mean anything. I told you about the two students in my class that dated, now they have nothing. In high school I studied. This was the only thing I did besides help out my parents. You think to have a good life is easy? You— you—”
Seungmin lowers his eyes to the floor. There’s so much shame pulsing through his veins.
“Chan got into Harvard and MIT, he chose UIUC because of a scholarship. You didn’t even try for those kinds of schools,” his dad says. “I said nothing because I thought you had given all your effort already. But instead you were wasting time behind my back. I don’t even know who you are.”
At this, tears finally fall. He feels them drip down his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
“How could you have no shame that you lied like that?” his dad asks. “Not just to me. To your mom as well. How could you do this to her, fail her as a son, when she already lost both of her parents?”
Seungmin cannot, for the life of him, even registers what happens next. His dad continues to rail at him but he’s shut down, a wire that’s so overloaded it short circuited. He checks out, his mind sinking into the depths of some mental ocean, drowned under tidal waves of so many emotions that he can’t process anything anymore.
Of course Seungmin didn’t want this. He wonders if it makes it forgivable that he couldn’t resist falling for Hyunjin any more than he could resist gravity. He wonders if that makes it more of a crime.
That day when he typed Hi Hello on Twitter, should he not have introduced himself at all?
His dad is saying something about Chan. Seungmin doesn’t say that Chan didn’t perfectly follow the rules, he’s dated people online in high school. Seungmin doesn’t want to add throwing his brother under the bus to the list of everything that’s happened today. He wonders if it’s natural that he and Chan should be compared. Seungmin thinks he could have been someone who applied to schools like Harvard and MIT if he wanted, he just didn’t. He cared more for learning than for grades and it’s funny how that’s seen as a mistake.
Seungmin is sorry to his mom. He thinks he can’t forgive himself if this is how their family splits in half. They were always a family soldered together, but Seungmin and Chan are so close that most of the time the hairline crack doesn’t register, and their parents always do their best to treat both of them equally. But it’s times like this, when they bend and that their family wasn’t naturally together might cause them to break. Seungmin isn’t technically his father’s son. His biological father is long gone, and Seungmin always swore to be better than him.
He breathes in and out. It’s hard. It hurts.
“Get out,” his dad finally says, and points at the doorway of the kitchen. “I don’t want you in my sight.”
Seungmin feels like he isn’t contained in his own body when he stands up and walks out, somehow on steady feet. He heads upstairs to his and Chan’s room. Chan has headphones on, bobbing along to some beat on his laptop, and in the last vestiges of Seungmin’s shredded mind he thinks those big headphones really do block all outside noise.
It starts to rain outside. All at once, like the sky has split open, the raindrops coming down so hard it feels like the roof is a drum.
Seungmin sits down on the ground. Actually, he doesn’t sit so much as fall because his legs give out from under him. Chan looks up, and his eyes widen in alarm. He yanks the headphones off and walks over. “Seungmin?” he says. “Seungmin are you okay?”
There’s still tears streaming down his face. “I’m okay,” Seungmin says. I will be okay, he tells himself. I will be okay, I am always okay, everything will be okay . To his horror the silent crying becomes uncontrolled sobbing, the noisy, terrible kind. He pulls his knees to his chest and pushes his hand over his mouth in an attempt to stop it.
The noises he’s making are jagged and almost inhuman. “Breathe,” Chan commands. “Deep breaths.”
Seungmin sucks in a lungful of air. He can’t stop shaking. “I—” he chokes out. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Clearly you’re not in any state to talk about what happened but you should get off the floor,” Chan says. He holds his hand out and when Seungmin doesn’t take it he grabs Seungmin’s hand and forcefully yanks him up. Seungmin backs away a few steps and sits down his bed.
How can something hurt so much that it feels like physical pain?
“I’m here,” Chan says, and moves his laptop over to sit next to Seungmin on the bed. Seungmin stares up at the ceiling, counting the tiles. He counts until he’s stopped crying and then he doesn’t move. He feels like someone has ripped everything out of him until he’s hollow and bleeding.
He doesn’t come out for dinner. Chan asks if he wants instant ramen and he says no. When it’s past midnight, Seungmin is finally sure enough that their parents have gone to bed to venture out to the bathroom to brush his teeth and pee. He lies down on his bed still in his day clothes. Sleep doesn’t come.
Their dad must have already told their mom about all this. Seungmin wants to cry all over again at that thought but instead he takes his earbuds out. He opens his phone, a rectangle of light in the darkness, and plugs his earbuds in. Of course there are no new messages in his inbox but that isn’t what he’s looking for.
He goes to his playlist and hits I Need Somebody. The soft, sad sounds of piano float through the speakers. The first verse wraps around his body like a blanket, propping his head on a pillow of clouds.
“ Why am I alone/among all the people surrounding me? ” Young K sings. “ Why am I alone? / I’m all alone, I need someone/ I need someone right now ,” Sungjin continues, and Seungmin’s lips curve up in a tired, wan smile.
“ Hello? Is anyone there/ Anyone who can accept me? / Is anyone here? ” Jae asks. Seungmin doesn’t know the answer. He can only let the lyrics wash over his soul like water over burned skin, the melody stitch together the shattered pieces of his heart.
In the darkest nights, music is always there.
---
The next few days are, suffice to say, not the greatest days of Seungmin’s life.
He operates on the belief that everything is washed away by morning, but he wakes up after two hours of light sleep simultaneously exhausted and impossibly awake. He looks at the clock and sees that it’s five AM. The rest of the house is silent.
Seungmin gets ready quietly, then puts on his sneakers. He runs for an hour until he’s out of breath and the only pain that registers is the one in his legs. When he gets back, he hears the sounds of his dad getting up, so Seungmin pours a dry bowl of cereal and takes it up to his room.
The hurt is so sharp that he can’t confront it right away, so he does everything possible to distract himself: cleaning his desk, completing several circles of Duolingo, reading the book his Bio teacher had recommended them. At lunch, he forces himself to enter the kitchen; Chan says meaningless things in order to fill the silence. Their dad gives slight acknowledgments to Chan’s words, clearly in a bad mood. Seungmin sits and eat his noodles. Their dad doesn’t even look at him.
“Jesus,” Chan exhales, once they’ve been released.
“Yeah,” Seungmin says, listless, and opens up a Bob Ross video to follow along with a pencil.
And so the days go. In the nights, Seungmin listens to album after album, draining his phone battery to the point he constantly has to charge it. He gets little sleep and drearily wonders if this is what the summer will look like.
Well, no. They still have to go to Korea. So at least the misery will have a change in setting.
He checks Twitter only once.
@hyunfortunately
This account doesn’t exist
Try searching for another.
Three days in, their mom enters the room during a Bob Ross tutorial and says, “Seungmin, let’s go to Freeze Haven.” Seungmin pauses the video, knowing that there is fear painted all over his face. He hasn’t talked to her yet. He was kind of hoping that he would never have to talk to her.
But Seungmin won’t run away, so he nods and puts on his shoes, feeling like he’s on autopilot. The drive to Freeze Haven is silent. Seungmin doesn’t know how much frozen yogurt he can actually finish with the state of his appetite so he only gets a small swirl of vanilla, barely enough to coil around the bottom of the cup.
“Your dad told me,” she says, once they’ve settled at a table, and Seungmin looks down.
“Okay.”
“I’m not here to yell at you again.” This is the kind of shit parents say when they are, in fact, about to yell at you again, but Seungmin unfortunately trusts his mom with this kind of thing. “I want to hear your side of it.”
Seungmin pauses. What even is his side of it?
“Your dad was really angry,” she says gently. “When people are angry they say things they don’t mean.”
Seungmin knows that. In the past three days, in the instances when he could push through all his hurt long enough to actually think it over, he realized that some of the stuff his dad said was unfair.
It wasn’t wrong of Seungmin to talk to someone on the internet. The world has an undeniable digital component to it now and to completely shun it is nearly impossible. And social media at the core, past all of its genuinely terrible side effects, is about connecting people.
It wasn’t wrong of Seungmin to like someone, either, boy or girl or anyone in-between. He didn’t even date Hyunjin; he really did try to respect his dad’s wishes in that respect. It wouldn’t have been wrong even if they did choose to date. Seungmin never made Hyunjin his entire world, always keeping mind of his priorities.
Saying that Seungmin disappointed his mom because of all that was a low blow, and not even necessarily an accurate blow.
But Seungmin will admit that it wasn't right of him to lie. The one aspect of this that he doesn’t hate is that he doesn’t have to lie anymore and can go back to being honest. He thinks maybe he should have been more open from the start, but then again, he doesn’t know how he could’ve done it. His dad would have shut him down right away.
But maybe Seungmin could have tried more. So he takes a deep breath, and starts now.
“What did Dad say?” he asks.
“He said you have a boyfriend who you met online, who lives in California,” she answers, which, judging by her tone, is definitely the abridged version of all his dad said.
Seungmin pauses. He recognizes that she’s giving him time to come up with a good answer; this was not true in the conversation with his dad, where it was one-sided and his dad was too angry to hear him out, firing a barrage of questions his dad had already assumed the answers to. So Seungmin thinks carefully, before he responds.
“It’s true that I met someone online. His name is Hyunjin, and he lives in San Francisco,” Seungmin says slowly. “He isn’t my boyfriend, though. I tried to explain this but I don’t think it got across.”
Hyunjin really is not his boyfriend now. Seungmin thought about trying to contact him again but the truth is that Seungmin is struggling on his end right now and has to deal with that first. He’s in no shape to console someone else when he’s barely holding it together himself.
“But are you guys only friends?” she asks.
“No, we’re not,” Seungmin admits. “I really like him. I like him a lot. Remember that concert we went to back in December, with the CSO?”
“Yeah?”
“Hyunjin had a layover at Chicago that day. Chan and I were about to go meet him in the afternoon. But Dad got us tickets to the concert at the same time, and so I couldn’t see him, and I was really— are you laughing?”
She is. It’s just a snort at the beginning, but then she continues to laugh until there are tears in her eyes. It’s contagious, so Seungmin ends up cracking up as well, until they’re both holding their stomachs and the frozen yogurt is melting into soup in their cups.
“What kind of timing is that?” she asks, gasping. “Did he know?”
“Yeah,” Seungmin agrees, catching his breath. “It’s like he knew.”
“Oh, that is incredible,” she says. She sighs. “You know, sometimes I forget you’re seventeen. You act so mature for your age.”
“Maybe,” he says. Does anybody ever really feel like they’re mature?
“But things like this, they remind me that you really are seventeen,” she says, and Seungmin eats the last of his frozen yogurt as he wonders if he should feel offended.
She puts her chin on her hand, reminiscing. “Back when I was in high school… there was this guy I liked. I liked him so much, I couldn’t eat or sleep. I wrote notes to him and sometimes I put them on his desk.”
“I see,” Seungmin says. This is new information. His parents never really gave him a talk, romantic or sexual. And his dad acts like he was an amoeba back in high school, solely focused on survival and swimming through his coursework. He forgets that his parents used to be kids, too, kids with parents who yelled at them for making mistakes. Why do adults always act like they were never young? Do they forget how hard it is to grow up once they’ve gone through the process?
“One day my teacher found one and got so mad, that I was thinking about things like that at all,” she says. “My parents, too. They were so angry. And the guy didn’t even like me. He thought I was weird and always avoided me after that.”
Seungmin cracks a smile.
“So I just want to say, I’ve been there as well,” she says.
“Yeah.”
“It really was wrong that you didn’t tell us,” she says, like she can tell that Seungmin’s stomach has loosened and is now— well, not enjoying the conversation, but definitely not suffering too much either. “I wish you had told us.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I really am.”
“But I also wish we had tried to understand you more. Then maybe you would have felt like you could talk to us.”
Seungmin shrugs. He doesn’t know how to respond to something like that, his mom is interesting in that she’s a parent who’s willing to apologize to her kid, when it’s generally the other way around. “It’s fine.”
“Your dad is a good guy. Sometimes he’s a bit stubborn, but he’s a good guy. The last guy I picked was not so good,” she says. “Your dad really does love you, when we were going out he was so happy the first time he got to meet you.”
And now… the conversation is uncomfortable. Seungmin shrugs again. He doesn’t know, because what if his dad isn’t happy with him now ? “Thank you for forgiving me,” he says instead. He’ll take this, no questions asked, whether his dad will remain angry is something he’ll worry about separately.
“You’re welcome. And give your dad a little time and he will come around too.” She pats his hand. “Now, can I ask you a question?”
“Go ahead.”
“Are you gay, then?”
“Yeah,” he says. “At least I definitely do like guys.”
“How do you know that? What does it feel like to like a guy?” Again, on most people a question like that would come off judgemental, but her tone only has genuine curiosity.
Seungmin isn’t quite sure how to answer that at first. That feeling’s impossible to explain. It’s the feeling of all those 3 AMs where Seungmin felt like he wanted Hyunjin so much he might die and these current 3 AMs where Seungmin feels like there’s a hole in his chest because Hyunjin pushed him away again .
“It’s just the same way you like Dad,” he finally says.
His mom’s face goes pensive, then understanding. And Seungmin feels like for the first time this week, he has managed to say something right.
---
Their flight to South Korea is scheduled in two days, so any tensions are drowned in a flurry of packing and going over flight itineraries. Seungmin wryly thinks that both he and Hyunjin had underestimated how difficult it would have been to meet up at O’Hare even if Seungmin had been free that day. O’Hare is a big-ass airport.
International flights are at Terminal 5 and Seungmin just tails Chan and their parents through check-in and security. Maybe knowing how to navigate airports is one of those things that come with being an adult. The last time Seungmin was in an airport was quite a while ago, so he looks at everything in wonder.
In theory, airports are of the most magical places on earth. All of those people from different corners of the world, each with their own story, briefly intersecting before going off on their separate ways. You might walk past the love of your life and not even know it, you could stand in line behind your potential worst enemy. The planes gleam silver with their cutting-edge wings. Arrivals and departures. Ends and beginnings all at once.
Of course, in reality, it’s a giant fucking hassle, and everybody is tired and just wants to go where they’re supposed to go. Nobody is in the mood to contemplate the liminality of the space they currently occupy.
“Damn,” Chan says, checking out one of the shops. “Those sandwiches are really overpriced.”
“Yeah, let’s just eat on the plane,” Seungmin agrees. They end up in a makeshift bookstore sort of place and the cashier eyes them with irritation as they go through the very limited selection of books in there. Seungmin actually ends up finding one of them to his taste and makes a mental note to check it out from the library at some point.
Eventually they board the plane. Since it’s an international flight there’s a standard pillow and blanket even in economy. Seungmin takes the window seat, Chan takes the middle, and their dad takes the aisle. Their mom is a few seats away. Seungmin mentally thanks Chan for his placement. He mentally thanks Chan for being here this summer, choosing to take classes online rather than stay on campus, because right now things aren’t great but without Chan as a buffer they’d be infinitely worse.
Their dad has stopped glaring at Seungmin and is now polite, but it’s so awkward.
The airplane slowly rolls forward, until it gains in speed and Seungmin feels it tilt upward, wheels off the ground. He watches in fascination through the little window as the ground falls away from their feet, everything down below getting smaller and smaller. Eventually they rise above the clouds as well, truly embraced by the sky, and only vague shapes can be made on the earth.
The flight from Chicago to Seoul is over half a day long. Chan keys up a show on his laptop, and he gives an earbud to Seungmin. Surprisingly, Chan passes out around the sixth episode despite his general struggles with insomnia— maybe being up in the air helps?— and Seungmin gently shuts the laptop.
He looks at the TV up above that displays the map of their flight trajectory. They’re currently above Northern California. Seungmin wonders if Hyunjin looked up at the sky right now, he would see a passing airplane.
“Hey,” his dad says gruffly, and Seungmin looks up, surprised. His dad passes his blanket over to Seungmin. “You should sleep as well. It’s a long flight.” Seungmin gives a thin smile and nods. He closes his eyes. Tries not to think about anything. Eventually he fades out of conscious and dreams of puffy white clouds.
---
The air in Seoul smells different than that in Illinois. When Seungmin breathes it in he imagines a different life, one where he grew up walking the alleys between apartments rather than the blocks between townhouses, reading street signs in Korean rather than English, being Kim Seungmin rather than Seungmin Kim.
Seungmin’s Korean is rusty, but he knows enough to get by, and he dons his natural midwestern etiquette but pairs it with bowing and honorifics.
“Oh, it’s so good to see you,” his grandma says, fussing over him. They aren’t biologically related but she doesn’t seem to care at all and Seungmin listens in mildly jetlagged amusement as she lists off foods that they need to eat, since he’s too skinny, and apparently Chan is too skinny too, what have they been eating in the States?
His grandpa doesn’t remember him. Seungmin hears him whisper, “Who is he?”
They are staying here for two weeks. The first two days Chan and Seungmin are so tired they can barely function, but the other days they go out, sometimes with their mom and dad, sometimes with their grandma (their grandpa is too frail to leave the house for extended periods of time). They visit Gyeongbokgung Palace. Myeongdong Street. Lotte World.
Seungmin takes picture after picture. Snapshots from the world he could have lived in but didn’t, and he knows it’s only a highlight reel but it’s fascinating to him anyway. Their grandma is fond of flowers so he takes photos of some for her, to her delight.
“You grew up so well,” she says fondly. Seungmin and Chan are helping her fold mandu, and their mandus look like trainwrecks next to hers, but she praises them on a job well done anyway.
“Thank you, halmeoni ,” he says, shaking some of the filling of his chopsticks. She can scoop the perfect amount every time and he has no idea how she achieves it, he always has to shake off excess or scoop a little more
“Your appa seems to be a bit off with you right now,” she notes, and Seungmin sees Chan stiffen, sealing the mandu with a bit more force than usual.
“Oh. Yeah. He’s a little mad at me,” Seungmin says.
She doesn’t ask him what he did wrong and he is so grateful. “Ah, that man, he’s stubborn. And a bit too proud to talk things out,” she says. “You will fix it eventually.”
Seungmin smiles, faint, and then she asks Chan about how things are going in university, what he’s learning, and Chan attempts to translate engineering jargon into Korean with his limited vocabulary, his accent Australian and American all at once, and Seungmin laughs only because it’s still better than he can speak it.
Seungmin doesn’t talk to their grandpa a lot, but Seungmin shows him a Bob Ross video because apparently he was an amazing artist back in the day. Although it’s a bit shaky, their grandpa almost perfectly replicates the painting with colored pencils, which is incredible.
One day, a little before their flight back, Seungmin and Chan go to a ramen shop for dinner. Their parents have gone to visit their respective university friends. Seungmin eats this ramen and thinks that the ramen in America is blasphemy in the form of a noodle when this exists. He’ll miss the food in Seoul for sure when he returns.
“I told our dad that back in high school I had online friends and I dated a few of them,” Chan says.
“Ah. Recounting the tales of the_z00keeper13 to the parent, I see,” Seungmin says. When Chan doesn’t smile Seungmin drops the joke. “You didn’t have to do that, you know. But thank you.”
“Of course I had to. Don’t you know how awkward this is on my end, as well?” Chan asks, running a hand through his hair.
Seungmin just sticks another chopstickful of noodles into his mouth. It’s better to eat them fast so they don’t bloat. And Seungmin knows Chan is thinking about it too, their splintered family tree. Seungmin can’t visit his biological dad’s parents because it’s too painful, and his current dad’s sister doesn’t want to meet him because she thinks the whole thing is scandalous. And both his mom’s parents are dead, now.
“Sorry about that,” Seungmin says, guilt twisting around his chest. “It must suck to be in the middle.”
“No, no, I’m fine,” Chan says. “How are you holding up?”
Seungmin shrugs. “I’m fine, too.”
“You don’t have to lie.”
“I’m not lying.”
Chan squints at him, trying to discern if he is lying, but Seungmin doesn’t think he is. Maybe they don’t have the same idea of the word fine. Sure, Seungmin definitely isn’t the happiest that he’s ever been, but is he holding up? Yeah. He isn’t an obviously strong person; he isn’t strong like steel, he’s strong like rubber, someone who will bend but not break.
Somewhere in all this he found himself. He’s always been down to earth, but this year he’s learned to stand his ground. It hurts that their dad doesn’t seem to accept him right now, and it’s painful that Hyunjin isn’t speaking to him, but despite this Seungmin will still live life. The world is too beautiful to drown in his own sadness.
UIUC is a big campus with tens of thousands of people, but Seungmin found Hyunjin somewhere in the millions of people on the internet, so Seungmin’s worked with worse odds. If school starts and Hyunjin hasn’t come back to him, Seungmin will ask around the liberal arts and sciences department if they know a Hyunjin Hwang.
And he will see if Hyunjin can look Seungmin in the eye when they are face to face, and say that they shouldn’t be together.
“This should be a time to celebrate,” Seungmin says. “I’ve finished high school, I’m about to go to university, we’re vacationing here with family we haven’t seen in person for years. It’s okay I’m a bit worse for wear.”
Chan smiles. “Alright.”
And that is that.
---
The two weeks pass, and they return. Although Seungmin is of Korean descent, he’s lived in America his whole life, so it’s good to be return home. It does take a day to get settled back in, to comfortably re-settle into his roots, weighed down by jetlag and slight motion sickness from airplane turbulence.
He does feel better than he did when he first left, though. Maybe everybody needs a change of pace from time to time.
When he was in Korea he didn’t really check his phone, because if he’s going to recharge he’s going to do it right— he did have to meet some deadlines set by UIUC, and he kept in contact with Jeongin, but that’s about it— so after the jetlag has worn off and all his shit is unpacked, he goes through his inboxes.
His email is mostly filled with advertisements and more university stuff— there’s one about getting some free merch that he stars because hey, free merch. There is actually so much build-up that he actually scrolls past the email from Hyunjin before he double takes and scrolls back up.
An email. From Hyunjin. Shit.
Seungmin stares at it in slight trepidation. It was sent a few days ago. There’s no subject, and he can only see the one line that Gmail lets him preview. In theory he has made peace with whatever might happen with Hyunjin, but to be confronted with the reality of it is different.
He bites the bullet and his cheek, and opens it.
From: [email protected]
Seungmin,
Hi. I don’t know where to start. Most of the time I look at a blank page and know, yes, this is exactly what I’ll write on it. But I don’t know with this. Maybe because it matters so much to me.
I’m not sure if I have the right to ask this, but can you just read this email all the way through? And then you can decide whether to forgive me or not. I know I messed up. I messed up so badly.
It’s easy for me to flirt with you, but hard for me to truly show you all my cards. It’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of being truly seen. And I said that when I’m the best at lying when I write but I am, paradoxically, the most honest I ever am when I write as well. You asked me last year to show you a piece and I gave you The Wordsmith . But there was another poem I wrote along with it, that I didn’t show to you then because I thought it was too soon for you to know everything. I ended up turning it in for a class. The teacher really liked it, asked me who I wrote it about. Here it is:
The Photographer
I tried to keep myself under a mask,
A perfect image for the world to see
I got so good at keeping up this task,
That my reflection stopped reflecting me.
I couldn’t see myself within the mirror
And then you took a photo of my face,
I don’t know how you got a shot so clear,
And at your magic I was first afraid.
In the picture I was beautiful yet flawed,
The heart of who I was and I could be,
But after I stopped fearing what I saw,
I recognized that you are what I need.
I don’t know how exactly to repay,
Just know I look at you in that same way.
I don’t know how I could have been so lucky to meet you. On our last phone conversation I said that you should see other people, and I have no explanation to that except that I’m blinded when I get stuck in my own head, and I thought I was being selfless when really I was being a coward. And even if I am being selfish, I don’t want you to see other people. I don’t want to give you up. I have trouble believing in myself, but I want to believe that I am good enough to keep you. I was stupid to hang up. If you decide I am worth the trouble, please give me a call.
- Hyunjin
It takes a couple of re-reads for the entire message of the email to sink in. Generally, Seungmin doesn’t get emails like this. It’s a little overwhelming, to say the least, so it takes some time to process.
Seungmin has never doubted Hyunjin’s feelings toward him. He promised himself this from the very start, because he knows so many people must have crushes on Hyunjin over there and if Seungmin cared about that, this couldn’t function. So Seungmin knows that Hyunjin likes him. It’s just that Hyunjin doesn’t like himself.
Seungmin thinks for a bit, then presses on the phone icon.
His thumb slowly dials Hyunjin’s number. It’s honestly easier to do that than to scroll through the contacts, since his fingers have memorized the pattern at this point. It rings three times before Hyunjin picks up.
“Audio check,” Seungmin says.
The audio doesn’t work, which is terribly inconvenient, and it takes several instances of them trying to call each other at the same time and therefore missing each other’s calls before Seungmin finally is able to pick up on his end, and the audio works.
“Hi,” Hyunjin says. He sounds like his nerves have been twisted to hell and back, the malfunctioning technology not having helped at all, his voice splitting at the seams with a mix of trepidation and hope.
“I was in Korea for the past two weeks,” Seungmin says. “I just got your email.”
“I didn’t think you’d call me.”
And Seungmin thinks about the last time they— well, not argued, because they don’t argue, but the last time when the combination of distance and personal circumstances put a significant strain on their relationship. He thinks he understands what Hyunjin meant when he said he missed Seungmin’s voice.
He’s so relieved to hear Hyunjin talk to him again. Even if it’s on a phone that fades and crackles more often than not. It must be so clear in real life.
“I told you,” Seungmin says. “I’m not leaving.”
Hyunjin lets out a choked laugh. “I must have saved a country in my past life,” he says. “I don’t know how else I deserve that.”
“You were having a hard time,” Seungmin says. Maybe people would say he forgives too easily but that’s the only way he can live, or else his heart would get hard as rock and the world would be too gray. “And you technically gave me a heads up. You were figuring it out and needed space.”
“I was self-sabotaging.”
“Well, you said it, not me.”
Seungmin is pretty sure that Hyunjin is crying on the other end and chooses not to comment on it. It must have hurt, Seungmin thinks. He knew it wouldn’t be easy when Hyunjin chose UIUC. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction: when you push against norms, they do their best to push back on you.
Hyunjin went a different way and he was punished for it. Seungmin, too, if he really thinks about it. But he has faith that they’ll make it through. The storm has passed. Now they just have to survive the debris.
“Thank you,” Hyunjin says.
“For what?”
“For staying.”
It’s funny. Leaving and staying, they’re two sides of the same coin, flipping depending on the situation.
Sometimes it’s best to leave. To kick an addiction, to rid a toxic mindset, to break an abusive relationship that keeps causing more and more pain no matter how much you tell yourself it will stop eventually. In that case it takes strength to leave, and it’s best to get out.
But Hyunjin isn’t any of those things, he’s just someone who struggled so deeply to fit himself in with the standards his entire life, that the first time he dared to truly go against them, it nearly destroyed him. Now, he stands in front of Seungmin, with all of his scars and cards on display, asking Seungmin to accept him.
And Seungmin will. Hyunjin gave him so much color, Seungmin won’t give up on him just because he has a few issues he needs to sort out, just because Hyunjin struggles with some demons. Seungmin isn’t another set of standards Hyunjin has to conform to so that Seungmin will like him. Seungmin’s a simple person, who will embrace Hyunjin with open arms, who has enough sun to weather the storm for both of them.
In this case, it’s easy to stay.
“You don’t have to thank me for that,” Seungmin says slowly. “But you have to try and love yourself more, or else this isn’t going to work.”
“I will,” Hyunjin says. “Like I said, I want to believe I am good enough to keep you.”
You are , Seungmin thinks. I won’t take anyone else . “I can’t believe you wrote a sonnet about me.”
“Why not? It’s like, a very you form of poetry,” Hyunjin says. “Fourteen lines, specific rhyme scheme, iambic pentameter— actually, the iambic pentameter was rough— hey , what’s so funny?”
Seungmin is wheezing. “I should have paid more attention in English class,” he says, “apparently there’s a structure of poetry as orderly as I am.” He continues to laugh as Hyunjin frantically tries to explain that isn’t what he means, until Hyunjin ends up breaking into laughter as well.
It makes Seungmin think about what if Hyunjin had been in his English class. He wonders if he would have noticed Hyunjin— Seungmin doesn’t care for pretty faces, and Hyunjin’s would have warranted a glance at most, but maybe Seungmin would have admired Hyunjin for the way language seemed to bend to his will.
Maybe Seungmin would have liked him. Maybe Hyunjin would even have liked him back. But honestly, it isn’t likely, and Seungmin realizes that even though it might have been easier if they knew each other in real life, paradoxically, it might not even have happened at all.
“So what now?” Hyunjin asks.
Seungmin frowns. “What do you mean?”
“Like, do we go back to being friends with rules?”
The phrase fits almost hilariously wrong from when they established it months ago. Seungmin is sure Hyunjin realizes it. But they just got back on their feet, so Seungmin says, “Yeah, let’s keep the rules.”
The rest of the phone call, Hyunjin asks about Seoul, and Seungmin tells him about folding mandu and taking pictures of flowers and eating ramen, and they argue about the validity of bloated noodles. The heavy knots that Seungmin had carried in his chest for weeks untwist themselves. He feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.
He feels like they’re really going to be okay.
---
It’s late at night when Seungmin finally gathers the courage to talk to his dad. He puts on jeans and socks and goes downstairs. His dad is watching a movie on the computer, and it feels like telling him about UIUC all over again. Sensing movement, his dad pulls off the headphones and faces Seungmin with a look of expectation.
Expectation and fear. Maybe his dad has hurt about all this just as much as Seungmin has, but was just too proud to speak out.
“I’m sorry I lied to you for so long,” Seungmin starts. He forces himself to keep eye contact even though all he wants to do is look down. “So I will be honest now. When Hyunjin and I were talking on the internet, we really never dated. Although we liked each other, we agreed to only be friends.”
He swallows. He feels the kind of anxiety that makes his entire body react, clogs his throat and twists his stomach, yet he continues. “But he’s coming to UIUC with me. And I plan to date him then.”
There’s this awful moment when they continue to stare each other off, and then his dad heaves a deep sigh.
“You know, the reason I was so mad is because you are my son,” his dad says. “If you were some other kid I would just be like ah! Whatever! Let him do what he wants. What does it have to do with me?”
Seungmin really has to look at the ground then. It took a lot of his dad’s yelling to make him cry but this resigned kindness…only a sentence of it and Seungmin is blinking tears back.
“I made many mistakes in life,” his dad says, almost to himself. “When I went to university I majored in the wrong thing at first and wasted several years on it before I switched to engineering. I will never get those years of my life back.”
Seungmin doesn’t say anything, but inside he’s thinking, is it really a waste, though, to take time to figure yourself out? Is life not about a journey, and all about a destination? What destination? We all die at the end anyway.
“The first woman I married, I married her too young. I was so heartbroken. The divorce was awful. Chan suffered from it, too, and I always felt terrible about that. I was lucky to meet your mom when I did. So I don’t want that. I don’t want that for you.”
So maybe Seungmin is young and dumb, or maybe the youth know more than they’re given credit for. It depends on who you’re asking. But, he thinks that he doesn’t want to live life taking the safe path, praying it always keeps him out of danger. Besides, the safe path only becomes clear in hindsight.
Even if it’s terrifying, Seungmin wants to live life making mistakes, stumbling from time to time, having the strength to pick himself up when he does.
“I think you did fine,” Seungmin says. “I admire you a lot.”
It’s true, Seungmin remembers his mom when his biological dad first left her, a dysfunctional mess. And then she met Chan’s dad and slowly recovered herself again. Seungmin and Chan’s dad, he isn’t good with words, he doesn’t get Seungmin; but he has kept their family reliably together, a mark of a good man.
Seungmin never wanted to disobey him. He respects his dad’s opinion, gives it weight, which is part of why this entire ordeal was so hard on him. Seungmin wouldn’t care if it was someone else telling him he was doing everything wrong.
But he can’t listen to his dad forever. Seungmin’s grown up. He’s got his own voice, his own opinions, and sometimes they’re different from those of his parents.
“Honestly, I don’t understand any of what you’re doing, or the choices you’re making,” his dad says finally. “But I’ll try.”
And Seungmin supposes that’s good enough.
---
It’s the end of June, the temperatures sloping up to the eighties and nineties so it’s uncomfortable to be outside midday but pleasantly warm in the evening. The sun has set when Seungmin steps outside, the sky a bolt of navy blue fabric with one wispy sillouhette of a cloud illuminated by the moon.
He goes out the back door from the kitchen, Seungmin stands there for a moment, his phone in his hand. He feels free. He can call Hyunjin here without feeling like it’s some big secret. Even if he is overheard, well— Seungmin isn’t the one who says the embarrassing things, that’s more Hyunjin’s style.
Seungmin was so afraid of his family knowing, that he couldn’t imagine how good it feels now that they finally do.
A few fireflies flicker on and off on the lawn. When Seungmin was younger he used to think they were magic, that they were little stars that had come down to earth. In Bio he learned that actually they just flashed due to a chemical reaction with oxygen and that the reason they lit up was to find a mate.
Cicadas, too: he used to wonder why the trees seemed to hum at night, but turns out that cicadas are also lonely bastards calling to hit another up. He supposes it’s still kind of magic. The whole world is just stupid for love.
Seungmin smiles. He’s no different.
He dials Hyunjin’s number and sits down on the stone step. Hyunjin picks up, they conduct their audio check, and talk a little about what they’re doing with their summers. Nothing, the answer is nothing.
“Hey, Hyunjin,” Seungmin says. “I told my family about you. They know now.”
“Oh,” Hyunjin says. There’s a small pause. “How did it go?”
“Honestly, it was not the smoothest time,” Seungmin admits, an understatement. “It’s okay now, though. My mom is cool with it. My dad is trying to be cool with it. My brother has known since last year and he is definitely cool with it. Maybe a little too much… I could do with less teasing.”
“I’m sure you know that’s a pipe dream,” Hyunjin says, and they both laugh. “I told my parents about you, too. They were kind of resigned, I guess. They asked me if you were the reason I ruined my life.”
Seungmin has gathered at this point that Hyunjin didn’t really get his parents’ full approval to come to UIUC. No matter how much Hyunjin tried to change their opinion, in the end, he was forced to play the cards he didn’t want to play: that he was eighteen and that he had a full ride. By the time his parents registered that Hyunjin actually chose UIUC, the deadline of May 1 had come and gone and there was nothing to be done about it.
Someday Seungmin hopes that Hyunjin’s parents will see that their son isn’t a disappointment, or a failure, just because he didn’t decide to go to Harvard. That Hyunjin is the best that the West Coast has to offer, and the world should watch out because Hyunjin’s got a magic that not many people can say they have.
Seungmin twists his mouth, says carefully, “You know you didn’t ruin your life, right?”
“I know in the long run, I will be happier, but in truth I’m suffering right now,” Hyunjin says. “When I get on campus I’ll get in touch with counseling services so you don’t have to handle the full force of my occasional breakdowns.”
“I didn’t even know they had counseling services,” Seungmin says. “But that’s good.”
“Yeah. I deleted my Twitter as well, I’m sure you know that already,” Hyunjin sighs. “Twitter hasn’t been a good place for me to be on for a long time, but I didn’t want to admit that to myself. But I’ve finally deactivated.”
“I don’t really use Twitter anymore,” Seungmin says. He stopped using social media a while ago simply because that chunk of time became occupied by Hyunjin. He doesn’t need to make any more internet friends. All those failed online relationships from ninth and tenth grade, Seungmin likes to think he was earning luck so he could encounter this boy in San Francisco. He knows that kind of luck is a once in a lifetime thing, that he will never be able to meet anyone even ten percent like Hyunjin in the online arena again. “I’ll miss your ATLA tweets though.”
“It’s okay, I can just text you my 3 AM thoughts about the worldbuilding and my theory that the state of Zuko’s hair symbolizes what point he is on his redemption arc,” Hyunjin says.
“Next year you can tell me them in-person, too.”
“Oh, wow. Okay. You’re right, I suddenly realized that’s an option,” Hyunjin says. “This summer’s been weird. Most of the time, I’m living in the present, other times, I’m living too much in the past, but this summer is like a bridge to the future. It’s jarring. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah,” Seungmin says. He knows exactly what Hyunjin means.
The dust is settling from the trainwreck of the summer’s start, so Seungmin can finally register that these months are in limbo. A graduated senior and an incoming freshman, the present almost feels like a dream. And since Seungmin doesn’t prefer to dwell on what’s behind him, the only option is to look forward.
“What do you think about for the future?” Seungmin asks.
“I still have some dignity, so I won’t say you,” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin tamps down his smile. “I guess, I’m thinking about how I want to go into law. And at first I didn’t know if I could, because I’m not ruthless. But for me it isn’t about being ruthless, or winning arguments. It’s about using policy to improve the world. Because even though I might be really flawed in real life, it’d still be nice to do some good for others. I don’t know if that’s too idealistic but I guess I’ll find out.”
“The world needs that kind of idealism,” Seungmin says. “I have complete faith you’ll do well.”
“Maybe,” Hyunjin says, unwilling to completely share Seungmin’s confidence, but Seungmin will take that at least Hyunjin didn’t outright deny it. “What about you? Your thoughts on the future?”
“I think… I’ll just go wherever society needs me,” Seungmin says. He won’t lie, it makes him uncomfortable that he doesn’t have a major or a set path, but he trusts that he’ll find his niche eventually.
“That’s such a you answer,” Hyunjin says.
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Not at all,” Hyunjin says. “It’s a good thing.”
There’s a pause.
“But you know, I was an idiot a year and a half ago… so when I first met you on Twitter, I thought you were really boring.”
Seungmin snorts. He isn’t even offended, that’s so amusing. “You did? Why did you keep talking to me, then?”
“I think it was because you just messaged me so reliably. But yeah, I was like, look at this guy, he capitalizes his sentences and says exactly what he means.” Seungmin only laughs harder at this. It’s true, the internet has expanded the boundaries of language, and while Hyunjin fully utilizes it Seungmin speaks more traditionally.
“Wow,” Seungmin says. “Look how far you’ve fallen.”
“Yeah,” Hyunjin agrees. “I really have.”
Seungmin gets the feeling that Hyunjin just twisted his words around to another meaning, but he expects nothing else. “I have to admit my first impression of you wasn’t like that. I always thought you were really interesting.”
“I think you’re interesting now, too. It took a while but I realized, to be as confident and genuine as you, that’s more impressive than what all the rest of us are doing,” Hyunjin says. “I feel really peaceful when we talk. I don’t think I’ve felt peaceful since like… sixth grade. Remember 2012, when we all thought the world was going to end?”
“Oh, yeah,” Seungmin says. He had thrown a little pre-apocalypse party in the backyard, perfectly comfortable with the idea he might not wake up tomorrow. “With Gangnam style and everything?”
“Yeah. And for most people that was a small thing but for some reason… it stuck with me. I had insomnia for some time because of it,” Hyunjin says. “The world’s so messed up and crazy that I was afraid it was really going to end.”
“I can’t relate, but I’m sorry,” Seungmin says.
“And now, I still think the world might end during our lifetimes. But I also think because of that… since we have nothing to lose, we might as well do our best to improve things while we can,” Hyunjin says. “Somehow talking to you made me think of it that way.”
“I’m glad.”
He suddenly recalls that documentary he and Lia watched in junior year, and it takes him a while to figure out how to summarize it to Hyunjin because he normally doesn’t say things like this, these kinds of big ideas that expand beyond the earth he walks on.
But Seungmin tells him, “You know, I ended up thinking about the apocalypse one time as well because of this book I read, except what I thought of with that was this fact I learned from physics… that radio waves are immortal. So even if the world ends we’ll still have that. They won’t die until they reach the edge of the universe.”
“That’s beautiful,” Hyunjin says. “I hate physics but that’s really beautiful.”
Seungmin stares up at the sky, at the infinite universe just outside of the atmosphere. He thinks of the radio waves with all their love songs and stories, streaking out into the unknown. What is two thousand miles in terms of light years?
“Is the moon out there for you?” Hyunjin asks, and Seungmin turns his head. With all the light pollution the stars are unreliable, but the moon is always a constant. It hangs up in the sky a little above his house.
“Yeah,” Seungmin says. “What, are you thinking about us looking at the same moon or something?”
“Of course I wasn’t,” Hyunjin says primly, which means of course he absolutely was. “I just wanted to say I prefer crescent moons over full ones. I think they’re cooler.”
“Alright, Hyunjin,” Seungmin says. “I know what you’re really trying to say.”
“You know me so well, huh.”
“I do.”
“Okay, then do you know this?” Hyunjin asks. “I want to kiss you so badly. I think about it all the time.”
A firefly flickers into view above the grass, and it’s a relief that humans don’t bioluminesce because Seungmin would light up for Hyunjin like the Fourth of July. Unfortunately, humans do blush, and Seungmin puts his arm up to hide his burning face even though he knows Hyunjin can’t see him. “You shouldn’t say things like that.”
“If you don’t like it then of course I’ll stop.”
“I didn’t say that,” Seungmin mumbles. “But I wonder if you can only say these things with all the distance. And when we meet in real life you’ll be too shy.”
“Honestly? You’re probably right,” Hyunjin says. “But I’m taking this as a challenge, so let’s see.”
Please , Seungmin thinks. Please say it when we meet . But he just listens to the chirp of cicadas and watches for the glow of fireflies, bracing his hands on the stone steps. An airplane flies across the moon. Seungmin wishes for the day that an airplane from San Francisco to Chicago will take to the sky, and he can finally hold Hyunjin in his arms.
---
It’s 3 AM, but Seungmin is wide awake, when he gets the notification.
Hyunjin
seungmin
i know i said we’re friends with rules
but i really would like to call you something else
so will you go out with me?
Seungmin stares at the screen, aglow in the dark. He will freely admit he likes Hyunjin. He’ll tell his friends, he’ll tell his family, hell, he’ll even tell Hyunjin. But he can’t tell it to himself anymore. At some point his feelings outgrew the word.
He doesn’t know if he’s capable of loving someone. He’s only seventeen. But he thinks that he’s gotten as close as he can to love with Hyunjin. Hyunjin, who taught him to take a risk, who showed him that he was the main character of his own story, who brought out aspects of him that he didn’t even know he had.
Seungmin won’t expect this to last a lifetime. Maybe one day they will change their minds about each other. It’s what usually happens.
But the thing is, Seungmin meant it when he said that he doesn’t believe in soulmates. He believes in finding someone you have a spark with and then working with that until you are soulmates, until you round out your edges to fill their hollows and they carve out spaces to fit your jagged shards, and all the rest that doesn’t work you glue and duct tape together with memories and time and conversations shared until it does. That’s the closest thing there is to a soulmate on this imperfect earth, and Seungmin believes in not letting go until he gives it his best shot. Even if they say long-distance can’t work out, that first loves never last, that high school sweethearts don’t exist, Seungmin wants to give it a try. He hopes that he and Hyunjin will miss those boxes. Obtain zero out of three. Completely, utterly fail at living up to expectations.
But for now he simply answers Hyunjin’s text.
Seungmin
Yes.
Hyunjin’s heart comes to him in pieces. Seungmin assembles them quietly, carefully, the way he does most things. He will keep it safe for as long as Hyunjin wants.
Notes:
ch 10 will be up soon. if you comment on this chapter i’m sorry if i don’t respond, i will be busy writing and editing but i will see your comment + cherish it ;-; if you made it to here with me [offers you basket] get yourself a kudos
i know everyone is waiting for one thing and i will deliver it, just hold on a bit longer. i have to add a few (lighthearted) scenes and give send-offs to some other characters, but all the major loose ends have been tied up. i hope you enjoy the finale :’)
Chapter 10
Notes:
[sighs and switches username] some people figured out my past account despite the different psued so hello im strayion
anyway, it's less that i wrote this chapter, and more that this chapter wrote me. i hope you enjoy and that it's a satisfying finale <3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Seungmin isn’t used to summer. He’s used to winter, the snow plows and puffy coats ready to go. He doesn’t know what to do with the heat and lazy days. Still, he tries his best, goes to the pool and eats ice cream and occasionally switches his sneakers out for flip flops that leave tan lines across his feet.
And in July, he heads to the carnival with everybody else. Orchard, Illinois, isn’t an exciting place. It’s a place to live, not a place to visit. So when the carnival comes to town, everybody goes, buying a sheet of tickets to pass the afternoon.
Seungmin and Jeongin go on the third day, July 4th, which is the day of the fireworks. They pool their pocket change, slap on patches with mosquito repellent. The water sold is priced so high it’s daylight robbery and the portable bathrooms are so disgusting that they’re health hazards, so Seungmin brings two bottles of water from home, and he and Jeongin walk the careful line between being dehydrated and desperately needing to pee for the next few hours.
July is sweltering; Seungmin’s sweated through his shirt and his hair is matted to his forehead. He’s relieved once the sun dips toward the horizon, devolving from a blazing white that melts the concrete to a liquid gold that lights up the clouds as it passes by.
“We have like two tickets left,” Jeongin notes. “That’s enough for like, half a ride.”
“So we go on the Fireball, get to the top, and don’t come down,” Seungmin suggests, and Jeongin rolls his eyes. “I’m kind of done with rides, but if you want, we can go get some more tickets.”
“Eh. I thought it might be nice to go on the ferris wheel but the line is too long.” It’s the kind of line that’s so long it seems short, because it’s snaked around so many times the end is close to the start. “Let’s go get food, I’m starving.”
They exit and head over to the food tents. A gentle breeze passes by and Seungmin thanks the gods for it. Since everybody is here, he and Jeongin both end up saying hi to the respective people they know and run into. “It’s so awkward ,” Jeongin says, when it comes to the people they don’t know too well.
At some point they bump into Lia and Chaeryeong and Chaeryeong says, “Hey, we meet again.” They both have corn on the cobs, holding onto them by the sticks stuck through their cores. Seungmin actually hasn’t had corn on a cob in a long time. He wonders if they’re going to revoke his Illinois card.
“Are you guys going on another ride?” Jeongin asks.
“Mmhm. We’re gonna try and wait in line for the ferris wheel,” Lia says, with a wince.
“Good luck,” Jeongin says, and Lia salutes him.
Lia and Chaeryeong leave. Seungmin checks his watch. There’s an hour before the fireworks start, and he hopes Lia and Chaeryeong will have finished before then. Better yet, he hopes that they’ll be one of the lucky ones who get to be on the ferris wheel during the fireworks, seeing the dazzling colors up close.
He and Jeongin have five dollars left so they get a large fries and wander around the fair, eating and looking. The sky fully darkens, and the fair lights up, the rides flashing neon. Thirty minutes before the fireworks they set up camp on the curb. A biker rides by, ribbons threaded through the spokes of the wheels, a blur of red, blue, and white.
“Goddammit,” Jeongin says. “I think I got another mosquito bite. That’s like the fifth one.”
“Really? I haven’t even gotten one,” Seungmin says. “I guess they all went for you instead.”
“Haha, you lucky bastard,” Jeongin grumbles, slapping at his exposed shins. They’re sitting on the grass, since neither of them brought a blanket— Seungmin only recalled the water, and with Jeongin it’s impressive he even remembered his wallet. “Man, the mosquitos must really love this carnival as well.”
“Works out for everyone,” Seungmin says, acting apathetic, but when he sees a particularly large fry covered in cheese and ketchup, he lets Jeongin have it. Distant screams drift from the fairgrounds. Seungmin can’t tell if they’re from the Zipper, the Fireball, or both.
“I can’t believe you’re going to college next year,” Jeongin says.
There’s something about this moment before the fireworks on the Fourth of July that loosens people’s tongues. Last year Seungmin and Jeongin were sitting next to a group of people who revealed their sophomore year drama to the whole damn street since they spoke too loudly. Seungmin remembers one of the guys asking one of the girls out and he cheered with the rest of everybody else on the block who heard.
“ I can’t believe I’m going to college next year,” Seungmin says.
“You better come back and visit,” Jeongin says. “Don’t forget Orchard for Urbana-Champaign.”
“You mean don’t forget the suburb for the cornfield?” Seungmin asks dryly. “You know you can visit me on weekends, too. It’s close enough. Just as long as you’re not the one driving, I don’t trust that.”
“I’ll have you know my driving skills have improved, nobody honks at me anymore,” Jeongin retorts. Seungmin knows, he’s just joking, he doesn’t think twice of it when he gets into a car with Jeongin nowadays.
“And you’ll be a senior,” Seungmin says. “Class of 2020.”
“Let’s not talk about that,” Jeongin whines. “Can’t I enjoy summer in peace?”
Seungmin laughs. Jeongin doesn’t want to go to UIUC— like Felix, he wants to go to the coasts, which is inconvenient for Seungmin, but he gets it now. He knows the midwest can be boring for some. Jeongin’s been looking at schools in the East, maybe Boston, or NYU. He’s got some real guts telling Seungmin not to forget Orchard.
Seungmin hopes Jeongin’s senior year will go smoothly. Seungmin thinks it will— Jeongin’s wanted to become a teacher since a few years ago, and his parents are very supportive of it since teaching is a noble, if underpaid, profession. But who knows. Seungmin doesn’t have 2020 vision.
And even if Jeongin’s senior year isn’t smooth, Seungmin has faith the other will get through it. The kids these days, they aren’t so easily broken.
9:08 PM. The first firework whizzes up into the sky, a blue one that explodes in a shower of sparks. “It’s starting!” someone shouts, and then the whole street falls quiet, everybody staring up.
Some people are on their phones, recording the fireworks for Snapchat or Instagram. Seungmin won’t even try, even if he’s sure the quality of his photos wouldn’t be too bad. Fireworks are one of those things you just have to live, one of those things where it isn’t so important to capture it as it is to experience it.
More fireworks unfurl, some that bloom into interesting shapes, some that gracefully streak their way back down to earth like metallic rain or snowfall. By the climax, the sky is streaked in smoky afterimages. Fireworks, they sound like the heartbeat of someone falling in love. They signal ephemeral moments that will last forever.
Inside Seungmin’s bag, his phone lights up with a notification, but he doesn’t see it until a few hours later, when only the occasional stray firework is still going off in the distance and he’s changed into his sleep clothes.
It’s a screenshot of a flight ticket. San Francisco International to O’Hare, to land on August 12 at 3:05 PM. It’s captioned, don’t miss me this time .
Seungmin would not miss it for the world.
---
As much as Seungmin wants to enter a Bob Ross painting, go to sleep, and wake up when August 12 comes, there’s a plenty to keep him busy this summer. UIUC bombards him with emails; he has to register for classes and attend Q & As and set up accounts. Turns out there’s a lot of preparation associated with entering the next stage of your life.
Seungmin and Changbin meet up one time for coffee, since Changbin is staying here for the summer. Seungmin is mildly anxious, but he figures if worse comes to worst they can discuss Hyunjin, since he’s their common ground. Changbin does complain a little about how Hyunjin is arriving the day after his birthday, but they mainly converse about music, which is a nice twist of events. Since Seungmin doesn’t know too much about the logistics of songwriting, and Changbin knows a lot, Seungmin ends up listening with great interest as Changbin explains the ins and outs of composition and production.
Seungmin thinks Changbin grudgingly approves of him because of that.
On another note, Seungmin isn’t quite sure how he ended up rooming with Jisung— he’s pretty sure it’s like he signed his soul to the devil or something, as in he isn’t sure how it happened but it did. At least UIUC has a lot of libraries so Seungmin can get out of the dorm in case he and Jisung ever want to murder each other. Their texting thread morphs into a struggle to figure out what to bring to the dorm. Well, it’s mostly Seungmin struggling.
bruh idgaf what color the rug is , Jisung texts , we just need a minifridge .
Seungmin sighs. Noted .
It’s strange. Seungmin and Chan’s room at home, which used to house both of them, will be empty next year. Seungmin wonders what he should take. He looks at lists of things to bring and not bring, made by YouTubers who are unnaturally gorgeous for all they say they’re stressed college students. Seungmin tries to take the advice, but at times his opinions differ.
Seungmin
I want to bring these CDs even though they’re for all purposes useless
I don’t even think laptops accept CDs anymore.
Hyunjin
i get it
like on a logical level, i know i shouldn’t bring all these books
i will have zero time to read and i have limited luggage space
but on the other hand… aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe… ;-;
Seungmin
Is that the one you really relate to
Hyunjin
yes dante may be a mexican-american boy living in the 1980s but otherwise we’re the exact same person
Seungmin
Just take it with you then
Oh who’s your roommate?
Are they from Illinois? Maybe they can take care of some things
Hyunjin
no he’s fucking useless
jk
he’s nice his name’s daehwi i talked to him
but he’s from LA ;-;
we’re both gonna die in the winter
Seungmin
I mean it really doesn’t get that cold
Hyunjin
that is a midwestern flex and you know it
Seungmin
Probably
But honestly if you end up needing anything you can borrow from me
I’ll probably bring more than I need anyway
Hyunjin
bless up
i’ll go tell daehwi my boyfriend is from illinois he has us covered
Seungmin
Hyunjin I hate to say this
But I’m not the one with the midwestern flex here.
Seungmin really shouldn’t complain about the hassle when Hyunjin has it infinitely worse. Hyunjin plans on buying some stuff here, but he still has to fit plenty of shit into only a backpack, a carry-on bag, and one large suitcase. Compared to that, trying to get a minifridge and bedsheets that fit the weird-ass beds in the dorm doesn’t seem so bad.
He and Hyunjin didn’t even discuss rooming together, they both know it’s a bad idea. First of all, it would be incredibly awkward if they break up, and second of all, Seungmin is paying too much money for classes to get distracted by Hyunjin and fail them.
Jisung teases Seungmin rather mercilessly about Hyunjin once he finds out they’re going to the same school— you guys are like a modern-day star crossed lovers story except instead of dying at the end you end up in a cornfield together , Jisung texts.
Shut the fuck up , Seungmin responds, if only because Jisung is kind of right and it pisses him off.
kadlsfj i think this is first time i’ve seen you swear i’m proud of myself . but hey if you ever have hyunjin over just lmk, and i’ll clear out ;)
At this, Seungmin physically recoils from the phone screen, turning red. His immediate instinct is to say I don’t know what you are talking about, we won’t do anything, but—
Honestly? The one and a half years and two thousand miles are finally kicking in, and Seungmin is dying a slow death.
It’s human nature to have part of him always be discontent, and he can deal with it when that part is miserable or stressed or anxious. But now it’s... sexually frustrated, and he has absolutely no idea what to do. He’s a Times New Roman sort of person and this is a Comic Sans problem. It’s stupid and strange and borderline comedic, but he has truly never experienced this kind of pain in his life and it’s killing him. He goes on runs every morning and takes cold showers and occupies himself with whatever he can find so that he doesn’t end up thinking about Hyunjin and how for all of his discipline and propriety, Seungmin wants to kiss Hyunjin, he wants to do more than kiss Hyunjin, he wants to do all kinds of terrible and graphic things to Hyunjin that are so bad, he can’t even admit them to himself.
Will do , he finally texts Jisung, and lets Jisung get all the HAHAHAs out of his system because Seungmin is so embarrassed but also not about to deny it. He sticks his phone on his bedside cabinet and goes to put on his sneakers. Time to run before the sun gets too hot.
---
Felix revives the September squad group chat and asks Jisung and Seungmin if they want to go to Woodland mall with him again, and since all three of them enjoyed the last time they did so, they set up a time and date and agree to meet up at the JC Penney entrance.
Seungmin goes with Felix, whose skin has tanned considerably this summer, all bronze-gold, freckles on full display. It’s a good look on him, a Californian look, and although it’s bittersweet Seungmin thinks that Felix really will do well at UCLA.
Jisung bounds up to them on the sidewalk outside of the mall, and they head in. The advertisements from the winter have been swapped out for summer ones, mannequins wearing t-shirts and shorts.
“Oh, hey,” Seungmin says, as they make their way through JC Penney. “Isn’t that Lia?”
At this point he’s realized that going to Woodland Mall essentially entails running into some acquaintance or another, as there’s only so many places to hang out in their small collection of suburbs. Lia’s in Sephora, inspecting a tube of lipstick, and when Felix calls out to her she whips around. Her eyebrows furrow before she sees who it is and smiles, exiting the Sephora and walking over.
“Hey,” she says. “I was testing some colors out, although I’m not actually buying anything. The makeup in there is too expensive, I’ll just get the off-brand version at Five Below.”
“I’m quite sorry,” Felix says sincerely, “I don’t know the prices in Sephora but I’m sure they’re terrible.”
“I’m Jisung,” Jisung tells Lia. “And I totally agree with you, the makeup in there is so overpriced. Friends don’t let friends impulse buy in there.”
Lia’s eyes crinkle. “Nice to meet you, Jisung. I’m Lia.”
“You wanna hang out with us?” Felix asks. “We’re just getting some food.”
“Sounds good. My mom sent me here to buy some pants before college starts but again, I can just get those at the thrift store.” She beams. “Oh, hey, do you guys like bubble tea? We can get some of that.”
“Seungmin doesn’t,” Jisung says, taking the opportunity to step on his soapbox, and Seungmin sighs.
“Oh come on, first the artificial grape flavoring and now this?” Lia asks, sounding extremely disappointed. They argue about the validity of Seungmin’s opinions for a bit, which drifts into the “milk first or cereal” territory before Seungmin pulls them back on track, saying he’ll accompany them to the bubble tea kiosk, and simply get a smoothie for himself from the lower level afterward.
There’s a small tip jar at Chill Bubble Tea that’s labeled Only Sexy People Tip. Jisung asks, “Can you tip even if you aren’t sexy?” a little too loudly on accident.
The employee behind the counter wheezes, and Jisung burns red. Lia nudges him, says, “You’re sexy, so shut up and tip,” and Seungmin delights in the mix of confusion and flattery that paints Jisung’s features in response.
After they’ve all acquired their drinks (Felix gets chai, Lia gets strawberry, and Jisung gets Oreo; Seungmin gets a pineapple mango smoothie from downstairs with minimal complaint), they sit at one of the tables at the food court. Seungmin and Lia end up talking about transportation in Illinois, Jisung jumping in, and Seungmin realizes that Felix is quiet.
“Hey, Felix, you better visit me on your breaks,” Seungmin says. “Your schedule is different, but even if I’m in school you should still show up and we can hang out.”
“Oh yeah, same,” Lia agrees. “You’re so lucky, by the way. I can’t believe UC schools start late September.”
“Yeah, it’s crazy.” Felix’s face lights up. “And Seungmin, since I’ll still be in Illinois in August, you can introduce me to your boyfriend. Wait, your sort-of-boyfriend— is he your boyfriend yet?”
Seungmin’s inability to keep his mouth in line despite his best efforts answers the question and Lia covers her eyes, saying, “Oh my god, don’t smile like that, I’m going blind.”
“When am I going to get a boyfriend?” Jisung asks, slumping forward.
“When am I going to get a girlfriend ?” Lia asks, and Seungmin’s astonishment must show because she shrugs and says, “It took some time for me to figure out, okay? Don’t look so surprised.”
---
On July 15, Day6 drop their new album, The Book of Us: Gravity. The band is going on a world tour, and they’re finally coming to Chicago for the first time (last year, the closest concert was in Minneapolis, and Seungmin bitterly wondered what Minneapolis had that Chicago didn’t). The craziest thing is that they’re coming on his eighteenth birthday, so it feels like a personal gift.
Seungmin listens to all the songs over and over, especially Time of Our Life. He thinks half of his search history is that exact YouTube video now. In between it are some other searches: maps of O’Hare, Seungmin thinks he’s looked at them closely enough that he has the whole layout of Terminal 1 memorized; and lists of things to do around Chicago, although none of them feel quite right.
He shows his parents the screenshot of the flight ticket, knuckles white at his sides.
“Be back by nine PM,” is all his dad says. “And take Chan with you.”
These are better conditions than Seungmin had even expected. He calculates the amount of time he’ll get with Hyunjin will probably be less than is explicitly given, as they’re helping drop Hyunjin off at a nearby hotel he’s staying out and towing his luggage along with it— Bang-Kim moving services , Chan teases , free only if Seungmin likes them enough . He ducks out of the way when Seungmin lunges at him.
But yeah, he keeps listening to The Book of Us: Gravity. It’s a mini-album and he doesn’t know if musically they’re any better than most of the masterpieces Day6 has already put out, but it’s his favorite because it feels like all of this. Like this endless summer. Like a start line and finish line all at once. Like they fit his entire coming of age story into the little pods of his earbuds.
It’s crazy and he doesn’t know how they did it. He just breaks the replay button.
Felix hosts a graduation party near the end of July. Since it’s Felix, the party feels less like a party for himself and a party for everybody. By the beginning of August people will start moving out, leave Orchard, ready to take on the rest of the world.
It’s supposed to be small, but a lot of people like Felix. Half the Cross Country team shows up, and they bring their friends and girlfriends, and long story short the house is crammed full of people. There isn’t any alcohol provided, but Seungmin wryly thinks that some of the guests are definitely drunk.
Felix does, however, provide food, with others contributing as well. He tells Seungmin that the Cross Country team would have these pasta house parties before meets, where the host would provide these giant foil dishes of pasta and boxes of breadsticks, while those who weren’t hosting would bring desserts and fruits. It’s the same way here.
There’s two breadsticks left in the box, and Seungmin takes one.
“Hey,” someone says, and Seungmin turns around. It’s a guy his age, with the kind of smile that charms the whole room. “You took the last politically correct breadstick.”
Seungmin laughs. He gets it, he could never take the last breadstick. The guy must operate by the same rules, so Seungmin taking the second to last breadstick equates to Seungmin taking the last politically correct one. Seungmin breaks it in half and hands it off. “Here you go.”
“Oh, wait, no you don’t have to.” But Seungmin insists, and the other guy relents and takes it. “But I guess, with that line of thinking, you can’t take the third to last breadstick either. So can you never start eating the breadsticks at all.”
“I think there’s probably a logical fallacy somewhere in there.”
“Yeah, probably.”
Felix suddenly appears in the kitchen. His eyes widen. “Hey! I see you two met.” He points at the other guy. “Seungmin, this is Eric. Eric, this is Seungmin.”
“Oh, hey,” Eric says. “I’ve heard about you.”
“I’ve heard about you too,” Seungmin says. “Nice to meet you.”
Felix reaches out and takes the actual last breadstick, completely oblivious to the previous conversation topic, and says, “There’s another box in the oven if you want some.” Seungmin and Eric look at each other, the silent joke in their eyes. Someone calls Felix’s name and Felix waves at them, walking out to attend to something else.
“I guess that solves the breadstick problem,” Eric says.
“Yeah.” Seungmin is looking at Eric who is looking at Felix, outside the doorway. Seungmin almost wishes he could capture that look with his camera. That bittersweet feeling in Eric’s eyes. And then Eric smiles, and the feeling dissipates, but Seungmin can’t forget it. That one can be sad about something ending, but not regret it all the same, because it would have been worse if it never happened at all.
---
Finally, July slips into August, and Seungmin realizes this is truly the end. It’s weird that these shifts at The Coffee Stop are his last. Seungmin is going to move away soon, get a job on campus. His stuff is in boxes and his mom keeps looking at him like she wants to put him in a burrito and keep him safe but knows she can’t.
“Wow, can you imagine these are some of the last orders you’ll take at this place?” Heejin asks. “I’m sure you’ll miss people asking us for Starbucks specific drinks and getting mad when we can’t make them.”
“I know you’re joking,” Seungmin says. “But—”
“Oh, god,” Heejin says. “You really will miss it?”
Well, maybe not that exact aspect, but Seungmin will miss something. He’ll miss all those people spilling off the train into the afternoon sunlight, and he’s just so used to all of this that it’s hard to imagine leaving. The familiar wooden benches and flooring, the stack of newspapers next to their kiosk, the display of pastries so artfully arranged.
And he’ll miss Heejin. She’s staying here, taking a gap year to save up for art school. She already has a bit of a platform online, gets commissions here and there. Seungmin has seen some of her drawings and all he can say is that she’s incredibly talented. Also, there’s this girl who’s been coming to buy focaccia bread lately, and Seungmin thinks Heejin has a crush on her. Seungmin thinks the interest might be reciprocated. But he’s leaving, and he will never know how that story unfolds. Or if it unfolds at all.
The day of Seungmin’s last shift, he and his coworkers share some of the leftover pastries and they wish him well. He walks out the door, then looks back. He looks at the brick building with the tracks running next to it, at the large bronze letters at the top that spell out ORCHARD METRO STATION.
Seungmin has been on this train for the better part of his life. He didn’t know exactly where it was going, and until recently, he didn’t even realize it was passing by, as he played woodchips at recess, ate Freezies on field day, borrowed his friends’ iPads to play Temple Run and Geometry Dash; he sang along to Counting Stars and Pompeii and Shake It Off when they came on the radio, ran through the sprinklers on nearby lawns in the summer, and came home every day to 419 Birch Street.
People got on and off the train, but there were always people there. Now it’s just him, and some of the people closest to him, and even they won’t stay much longer. The train is pulling into the terminal. Seungmin is going to walk out into this unknown place and try to find his own path from there. There will be all these new people to meet, and one person he already knows, but never got to see, since their paths were always separate. That person took the flight over from San Francisco to Chicago, his former world pared down to three bags worth of things.
Tomorrow, Seungmin and Hyunjin will meet each for the first time.
---
The Interstate 90 runs to Chicago, a constant line of people surging in and out of the city. It’s worst during rush hour, but even when it isn’t, there’s the likelihood of bottleneck and traffic jam. Seungmin sits ramrod straight as the car crawls forward, surrounded by hundreds of other people, camera strap digging into his neck.
He wonders if in all the times he jinxed rude customers to be stuck on the highway as they desperately needed to pee, one of them looked back at him, and jinxed him to be stuck on the highway as he was about to meet Hyunjin. It isn’t likely, more likely that it’s bad luck, but Seungmin hates being late, and especially doesn’t want to be late to this. He grits his teeth, reminds himself to be patient.
The sky is full of airplanes around here, some of them so close it’s almost as if Seungmin could reach out and touch them if he just opened the window. They drift toward the ground, getting larger and larger. One forgets how big airplanes are when they’re just a tiny blip in the sky, miles above.
“You nervous?” Chan asks. He’s driving.
Seungmin changes the radio station so he can have something to do with his hands. “No,” he lies.
“Really? Because I am so nervous,” Chan says. He gestures. “Like, the secondhand excitement is unreal.”
“Both hands on the steering wheel, we’re on a highway,” Seungmin admonishes. His back is rigid and his nerves feel like wires pulled taut. The back of the car seat sticks to the fabric of his shirt and frissons of anxiety run up and down his spine. He wanted this for so long, he didn’t realize how terrified he would be when it finally came.
“You only get all stuck up when you’re trying to hide something,” Chan says, and Seungmin can’t disagree, so he just stares out the window, at the airplanes low in the sky.
The car finally gains forward, no longer stuck in a slow crawl.
“You should put on Time of Our Life,” Chan says. “For background music.”
Seungmin sighs. “Why are you so invested in this?”
“Just do it.” And Seungmin is grateful to Chan for everything so even though it’s royally embarrassing, he connects the aux cord to his phone and keys up Day6’s title track on his playlist, closing his eyes out of pain.
The song starts with its euphoric piano intro, Chan nodding to the beat with his head, and YoungK launches into the first stanza. “ It’s not a secret / that I have been waiting so long/ and I think you’ve been waiting along ,” he sings. “ Counting down the days/ on the calendar that knows all our songs .”
Seungmin knows all the lyrics. He can’t not. It’s like Day6 were writing out this exact moment, and in any case it’s a good song, both the melodies and harmonies incredible. So even though Seungmin kind of wants to die, he gives in and jams out, too.
“ I know that honestly / you had endured quite a lot / more than me to the end you fought ,” Wonpil sings. It’s the second stanza of the second verse, and it’s probably Seungmin’s favorite, Wonpil’s voice just stands out so much here. “ Thanks for holding on/ now our time of wait is finally done .”
The pre-chorus and chorus, of course, go hard.
All about you and I
All the rest can wait awhile
Now come with me take my hand
In this book of
Gold and silver youth
Write the story of us two
Our memories that fill up
Each and every page
(Come on!)
Don’t you worry
I’ll do anything
I’ll take care of everything
So that this moment will be
Something that can last forever
The page that marks our starting day
Hey! Eieayo, eieohoh
This is our page
Hey! Eieayo, eieohoh
Our page
Seungmin doesn’t want to admit it, but he feels some of the anxiety in his chest dissipate. The song reminds him that while it’s natural to be nervous because it’s such a first, more than anything, he worked hard to make this happen, so he should enjoy it.
Last night he had a dream that they met at O’Hare, but it was for a layover from San Francisco to Boston, Hyunjin on his way to Harvard, Seungmin on his way to UIC. They met, and although it was good to see Hyunjin in-person, it also hurt because instead of a hello, it was a goodbye.
Seungmin woke up at five with an ache in his chest, unable to go back to sleep. He thinks about how while their first meeting was due to chance— HJ happened to be at a shop that had been playing Hi Hello , and Seungmin happened to be online when HJ asked what song it was— the rest of it was choices they made on their own.
That Seungmin took risks although at times he was afraid. That Hyunjin believed in himself although at times he doubted himself. Before it was luck, after that it was all them.
After he had stopped thinking about the dream, he got dressed, deciding that while he wanted to look presentable, he wouldn’t wear anything too different from the norm. He has on his lucky shirt with musical notes on it that spell out CABBAGE, tan shorts with pockets, and sneakers without too much wear, since he bought them last month.
It was partially so Chan wouldn’t tease him for dressing up, and mostly so Hyunjin would see an honest version of him.
They pull into O’Hare’s parking lot, thousands of cars glinting in rows under the bright afternoon sun. The traffic has delayed them just the slightest bit— it’s 3:05 already. He and Chan note down where their car is because this parking lot is huge, and then they make their way to the entrance of Terminal 1.
Seungmin’s phone buzzes.
Hyunjin
i’m here
Seungmin
So am I
Hyunjin
i’ll see you, then.
Seungmin
See you.
Seungmin is painfully aware of every step he takes. His heart pounds.
The inside of O’Hare is air-conditioned and smells like airport. The last time Seungmin came, it was for departures. Now he’s at arrivals. He and Hyunjin agreed to meet up at the baggage claim, which is how pick-up generally works for domestic flights. There’s a sign that directs them there and Seungmin’s sneakers seem to echo along the ground.
Chan pushes open the door and Seungmin follows him in. The room is full of people who’ve just gotten off their flights and the people who’ve come to meet them, standing around all the baggage carousels. It’s hard to breathe. Seungmin looks at the screen that lists all the arrivals.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — 3:05 PM — 5 — LANDED.
“Okay, Carousel 5,” Chan says, and Seungmin is thinking about how Hyunjin is in this room, all the miles between them reduced to this, how all Seungmin has to do is look around for a bit and then Seungmin will see him.
Seungmin walks forward. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Once he stops, it takes only a moment. Even though there’s a lot of people, it’s not like there are that many people. And Hyunjin is here, after all.
It feels like a dream.
Seungmin swallows. Hyunjin is a few yards away, and he isn’t looking at the baggage carousel, instead scanning the room like he’s looking for somebody, like he’s looking for Seungmin. Seungmin’s mind slows, occupying itself only with memorizing everything about him: white t-shirt, blue jeans, black Converse. Hyunjin’s hair is slightly messy from the hours on the plane and his eyes are sharp with anticipation and hope.
It makes sense that Seungmin would see Hyunjin first, since Seungmin has the advantage of knowing the carousel number, while Hyunjin is in an unfamiliar place and doesn’t know what direction Seungmin will be coming from. Seungmin thought he would have more time to prepare himself, that Hyunjin would take longer, but on Hyunjin’s next sweep of the room, their eyes lock.
Seungmin can pinpoint the exact moment that Hyunjin sees him. Hyunjin’s eyes widen; his mouth parts, then tilts up into a smile that’s quiet and radiant all at once. Hyunjin is looking at him and Seungmin has never been looked at like that before. Like he’s the only other person in the room, like he’s someone extraordinary, like he’s a blue sky after an eternity of rain. Hyunjin’s gaze pins him in place and Seungmin is paralyzed. He can’t move.
But Hyunjin can. Seungmin watches as Hyunjin pulls up the handle of his carry-on suitcase, tilts it onto its front wheels, and walks toward him. Hyunjin stops about two feet away, and Seungmin’s mind, usually so reliable, is rendered completely broken.
“Hi,” Hyunjin says.
“Hello,” Seungmin manages.
Hyunjin is tall in real life. Seungmin knew this, knew he was five foot ten, but it’s different to experience it when Hyunjin’s only ever been an image on a small screen. Hyunjin is actually just a touch taller than Seungmin, has maybe half an inch on him. Seungmin is used to being the tall one of his friends. He likes this a lot.
The pictures Hyunjin sent didn’t do him justice at all. Seungmin isn’t about looks, but that’s just a fact.
Hyunjin turns to Chan. “Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Chan,” he says, before realizing his mistake. Immediately, panic crosses his face. “Wait, oh my god, I’m sorry. I’m Hyunjin, you’re Chan, I just heard about you from Seungmin—”
At this, Seungmin is finally broken out of his stupor, and he laughs. It’s good to know Hyunjin is anxious, too, although he did a better job of not showing it at first. “We should get your other suitcase,” he says. “Since we’re at baggage claim.”
“Oh, yeah, probably,” Hyunjin says, and they go back toward the carousel, which still has a few suitcases circulating around. Hyunjin points to the one that’s coming around the bend. “That’s mine.”
Seungmin holds his hand out. “Give me your backpack.” He’s so self-conscious that he can’t look directly at Hyunjin, but it isn’t a bad feeling. It’s like there’s liquid gold running through his chest, this impossible warmth that he can’t explain.
“Hmm? Okay?” Hyunjin says, mildly confused, but pulls his backpack off. Seungmin takes it from him, their hands both on the strap for a moment, and hauls it onto his own shoulder. It settles onto his back, warm. “Why?”
“It’s polite,” Seungmin says. Chan hauls Hyunjin’s suitcase off of the carousel. “You really think we were going to make you carry three bags by yourself?”
“Ah, yes, the infamous etiquette,” Hyunjin says, smiling. It makes his eyes curve into crescents and it skewers all of Seungmin’s rationale to pieces. Seungmin would offer to grab the carry-on bag as well, but Hyunjin’s fingers flex around the handle out of stress, and Seungmin knows Hyunjin would be uncomfortable if he were totally empty-handed. “Nice to see it in action.”
Seungmin can’t help it, he smiles as well. He can’t even control it.
“Alright, if that’s everything, let’s go,” Chan says. Hyunjin’s footsteps fall in sync with Seungmin’s, the wheels of the suitcase rolling along the linoleum.
“Wait,” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin and Chan stop. There’s a poster on the wall that reads THANK YOU FOR FLYING WITH US alongside an image of an airplane, and the lighting in that area is nice. “Can I take a picture of you, first?”
Hyunjin’s eyes land on the camera slung around his neck, mouth quirking up in amusement. His lips are full and Seungmin tries not to focus on them. “Sure,” Hyunjin says. “Wait, is that okay with you, Chan?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Chan says. Seungmin tells Hyunjin where he should stand, and then Seungmin holds the camera up to his eye. It’s insane to see Hyunjin through an actual camera lens, not just the metaphorical one that the internet provided, and while Seungmin adjusts the dials, he thinks, he will never get tired of this, trying to find the perfect angle to capture Hyunjin, so maybe one day Hyunjin will literally be able to see himself the way Seungmin sees him.
---
Of course Chan wants to have some fun, though, so he “reminds” Seungmin that “the front seat of the car is broken and he has to sit in the back.” Seungmin glares daggers as the whole thing hopefully goes over Hyunjin’s head. The three of them locate the car in the massive parking lot and Chan unlocks it with the key fob, and they start loading in Hyunjin’s luggage. The back trunk of the car isn’t a closed off space, and since the main suitcase is big, they have to push down the rightmost second-row seat to make room for it.
It leaves only the middle and leftmost seats open, so Seungmin genuinely (well, he could sit in the front, but like Chan says, apparently shotgun is broken) has to sit right next to Hyunjin. Seungmin doesn’t know where to look: definitely not up, because he would one-hundred percent surely catch Chan’s smirk in the rearview mirror and melt of embarrassment, and definitely not left, because Hyunjin’s face is right there, and Seungmin would die.
He ends up keep his head down, incongruous to his usual posture, looking at the invisible line that separates his body from Hyunjin’s. At his shorts next to Hyunjin’s blue jeans, his paler arm next to Hyunjin’s tanned gold one, the black watch wrapped around Hyunjin’s wrist reading 3:57 PM.
Seungmin’s tongue is still decently tied when they’ve pulled out onto the I-90, so he ends up blurting out the first conversation starter he can think of. “How was the flight?”
“It was like, not bad? The person in front of me was watching Ratatouille and it had subtitles so I was looking through the seat crack watching with them,” Hyunjin says, and it’s such a Hyunjin thing to say that Seungmin laughs and Chan snorts. “They closed it right as Ego was having his flashback, though. What was up with that?”
“Seungmin, he’s a keeper,” Chan says, wheezing, and Seungmin burns red.
“Thanks for picking me up, by the way, I forgot to say that before,” Hyunjin says. “I’m sorry I have so much luggage.”
“No way, moving out of state is hard, my roommate last year was from New York, he apparently brought six suitcases with him to the airport. To this day I have no idea how he pulled it off,” Chan says.
“Yeah, I don’t have it as bad as my roommate, he was saying something about taking his sewing machine and his candle collection with him,” Hyunjin says dryly. “So if the fire alarm ever goes off at Allen Hall, you know who’s responsible.”
“Throwing your roommate under the bus like that already?” Seungmin asks.
Hyunjin grins and it’s brighter than the sunlight glinting through the windshield. Seungmin feels a million tiny wings fluttering in his stomach. “I’ll probably be the one who knocked the candle over, so yes.”
Chan turns off the I-90 onto one of the smaller roads, the car slowing down from its highway pace. Hyunjin looks out the window. “This place is so flat,” he marvels. “It’s all hills over in the Bay Area.” And it makes Seungmin wonder, because the flatness is all he’s ever known, it’s strange to think that it’s out of the norm in other places in America.
“Welcome to the midwest,” Seungmin says. “You’re allowed to make corn jokes now.” He once said that Hyunjin had to come to Illinois first before he could do those, because it’s said with fondness over here but he can’t be sure if it’s condescending when it comes from the coasts.
“Yay,” Hyunjin says cutely.
As they continue to drive, the surroundings become more and more familiar to Seungmin, although to Hyunjin it’s all new. Seungmin’s heart twists in his chest, feels so full it almost hurts. Eventually, Chan pulls off the road and into a parking lot, and they get out of the car, Seungmin leaving his camera in the back. Hyunjin looks around, not sure where they are.
“Okay, I’ll leave you guys to it,” Chan says. He gestures over to a building away from here. “I’ll be at the cafe editing tracks. Let’s meet up at seven thirty.”
Chan leaves, and Seungmin and Hyunjin watch him go. When Seungmin and Chan planned this out, they agreed that they would both meet Hyunjin at the airport, and then they would split up, because while Chan wants to be present for the first meeting he doesn’t want to third-wheel for three hours, and although Seungmin didn’t say this, he wants to be with Hyunjin alone.
Hyunjin turns to Seungmin as soon as Chan is out of earshot and exhales. “Your brother is so nice,” he says, glowing underneath the afternoon sun. “I was so anxious.”
“That makes no sense.”
“I accidentally introduced myself as Chan, oh my god,” Hyunjin groans. “I wanted to die of embarrassment… Seungmin. Seungmin stop laughing this is serious.”
It’s true that he doesn’t have a perfect impression of you , Seungmin thinks. But Chan will like anyone that makes me happy, and you make me happy . “I’m sure he thought it was more funny than anything else.”
“Still. Years later I’ll remember that moment at 3 AM and be unable to sleep for the rest of the night,” Hyunjin says. “Anyway, where to?”
Hyunjin’s eyes are so full of trust that Seungmin almost can’t stand it, that Hyunjin’s in this unfamiliar place but fears nothing since Seungmin is with him. And Seungmin, he said he wanted to present an honest version of himself to Hyunjin, so—
They aren’t in the city. Whenever Seungmin tells anyone outside of Illinois where he lives, he’ll say Chicago, but while he technically lives in the Chicago Metropolitan Area, he really doesn’t live in the sprawling city with all its skyscrapers and secrets, the bright lights and years of history.
No, he lives in the outskirts, right between somewhere and nowhere. He grew up in Orchard, with its rows of neat houses and cul-de-sacs and green lawns, the place so cookie-cutter and uniform that it could suffocate a person whole. Fortunately, Seungmin is okay with order, so he lived with it, and took photos of the pockets of beauty that did pop up within all of the sameness, and was content. Then Hyunjin showed up, ran the streets crooked and turned the townhouses to castles.
The suburbs could never suffocate Hyunjin. They can’t even contain him. When you have magic like that, it doesn’t matter where you live, or where you go.
Seungmin and Hyunjin are at Woodland Mall, at the JC Penney entrance. Seungmin doubts himself for a moment, and thinks that maybe he should have taken Hyunjin to the Fashion Outlets of Chicago or the Magnificent Mile instead. He curses Jisung for saying this mall would be such a nice date spot because it isn’t like they ever had any other options.
But Hyunjin walks through the double doors, and asks, “Have you been here before?”
“Yeah,” Seungmin says.
“Thanks for taking me, then,” Hyunjin says, so casually. Like he isn’t standing here in the sphere that Seungmin occupies, fitting so perfectly without even trying, erasing all the worries Seungmin’s ever harbored about their different backgrounds.
It’s so familiar, the mannequins and the neatly folded piles of shirts and pants, but Hyunjin is with him, so at the same time it isn’t familiar at all. There’s this song playing over the speakers and Seungmin frowns. He doesn’t recognize it, but it’s good, and although his mind is only barely recovering he never passes up a chance to find new music. “Do you know what song this is?”
“Oh, it’s Eden by The Script. Whenever I listen to it I always think about—” Hyunjin shakes his head. “Nevermind. You should listen to The Script, they’re like an Irish Day6. Or, Day6 is like a Korean The Script? I don’t know. They’re equally good.”
“Alright, I’ll listen to them,” Seungmin agrees.
“Speaking of Day6,” Hyunjin says, “You know how they’re having a concert in Chicago on your birthday?”
“I’m the one who told you about that, so yes,” Seungmin deadpans. “What about it?”
“You also know how tickets went on sale two days ago, and I told you to wait a week because TicketMaster gets kind of weird the first few days?” Hyunjin asks.
Seungmin nods. He doesn’t really care about fighting for VIP tickets, he’s content enough just to watch them perform, but he would of course prefer if it wasn’t from the very back. “Yeah?”
“Well, I actually have no idea if that’s true, it could be,” Hyunjin says. “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t buying any tickets. Because I bought two, if you would like to go with me?” Seungmin’s mouth drops. He prides himself on being astute but he somehow did not expect this at all. Hyunjin offers him half-smile. “I told you I wouldn’t come empty-handed this time.”
“I—” Seungmin stammers. “Of course I would like to go.”
Oh, he must look so stupid right now.
Hyunjin grins, pleased with himself. “The pianist is your favorite, right?” (The correct fandom terminology is bias, but whatever, sure). “You’re gonna see the guy you like so much in person.”
“Actually, that’s already happening today,” Seungmin says, partly to get back at Hyunjin for catching him so off-guard, and partly because Hyunjin walked right into that one. He can see almost see Hyunjin short-circuit, standing next to the Sephora kiosk, and since they’re both going to kill each other at public at this rate Seungmin lets the subject drop.
They exit out of the JC Penney and into the interior of the mall, and Hyunjin follows Seungmin as they walk forward and take a turn right. Seungmin stuffs his hands in his pockets when Hyunjin’s eyes shine seeing the Chill Bubble Tea logo.
“I can pay,” Hyunjin says immediately.
“What, no, put your wallet away, I’m paying,” Seungmin says. “You bought concert tickets, those are way more expensive.”
“I’m not good at being polite, I need practice,” Hyunjin retorts.
Seungmin sighs, compromising. “Let’s just pay for ourselves, then.”
Once they get to the front of the line and order (green tea for Seungmin, red bean for Hyunjin), Seungmin sees Hyunjin notice the tip jar on the counter that reads Only Sexy People Tip and wants to laugh at the expression of conflict on Hyunjin’s face. They both know that if this was online, Hyunjin would have already screenshotted it and captioned it Seungmin you know what to do .
But it isn’t online, it’s real life. Hyunjin’s shy, and Seungmin doesn’t know if he can handle hearing something like that yet without dying himself, so he says, “We should both tip. It’s polite,” to save Hyunjin the trouble.
Once they get their orders they walk around. Seungmin chews on the little tapioca pearls when they come up the straw. He has no idea what he and Hyunjin are talking about, there’s no specific topic, but they don’t run out of conversation. Seungmin’s anxiety melts away so he’s fully comfortable, and he listens to Hyunjin’s voice without the extra static, smiles at Hyunjin’s wit without the lag time.
They keep bumping into each other, Seungmin doesn’t know if it’s accidental or purposeful, but when a kid runs past them chasing after another kid and Hyunjin almost crashes into Seungmin trying to get out of the way, Seungmin doesn’t accept Hyunjin’s “sorry.” Instead, looking at the ground, he takes Hyunjin’s hand in his own, interlocking their fingers.
He feels a half sleeve of butterflies fly up his forearm. Hyunjin’s hand is warm, his grip solid.
Time passes by too quickly, Seungmin sees Hyunjin glance at his watch a few times, like he wants to freeze the second hand. At six o’clock Seungmin says they should go get food because Hyunjin can’t have eaten well at the airport, and they settle at the food court, Seungmin getting food from Pho Cafe and Hyunjin getting food from Maoz Falafel & Grill, and it’s just—
It’s so ordinary and it’s nice. They’ve always had to be ridiculously creative to even achieve a fraction of what most relationships have, with Seungmin buying stamps to mail a hoodie and Hyunjin writing sonnets since they couldn’t kiss. They’ve never been allowed to be two teenagers on a date before.
Hyunjin sighs. “I don’t want to leave.”
“We’ll see each other on campus,” Seungmin says, but he gets what Hyunjin means. Seungmin checks the time on his phone, sees they have about half an hour left. “You wanna go outside?”
“Yeah, sure.”
They go out via one of the side exits, which leads to one of the back, relatively empty parking lots, moving out of the way of the doors so they don’t disturb other shoppers. The sky is bright blue, the sun rose-gold in the distance. Hyunjin stares upward, and Seungmin remembers this one time he was complaining that it was going to rain for a whole week, and Hyunjin said that he loved the sky no matter what mood it was in.
There’s a sidewalk, a strip of grass. Hyunjin balances on the curb. “You know,” Hyunjin says. “Sometimes I didn’t think you were real. I kept on having dreams where I would go to the airport and look for you but it turns out you never existed.”
“Sounds like the plot of a bad movie,” Seungmin says. “I’m very real.”
“Well yeah, I know that now.” Hyunjin’s hand finds his again. “It’s funny… when I saw you at the airport, the first thing I wanted to do was conduct an audio check, but then I realized we didn’t have to do that.”
“You should have done that, it would’ve been funny,” Seungmin says. He’s so happy right now. He wonders if it’s illegal to be this happy.
“I like your voice even more in real life.”
They sit on the curb. The sun is melting into the horizon now. It’s okay, it will come up tomorrow and the day after that, and Seungmin will be able to see Hyunjin again. They discuss move-in day and what Hyunjin will do in the week before that, because he still has to buy some stuff around here and get familiar with the area.
They’re only two people in this big expanse of world, but to them it means the whole world, that they’re here together as they’re about to head into the next chapter of their lives.
Eventually, Hyunjin’s watch reads 7:19 PM, and Hyunjin reluctantly says, “We should meet up with Chan now.”
That would be the logical thing to do. “Okay,” Seungmin agrees. So they get up, to walk back into Woodland and trace their way back to the JC Penney entrance, but neither of them seems to want to move. Hyunjin keeps looking at him. Like he never wants to stop looking. Seungmin would feel shy about it if he didn’t like it so much.
“Let’s go,” Seungmin says, but he can’t make it sound like a command.
They’re so close. Miles to yards to feet to inches, and somehow it still isn’t enough. Hyunjin speaks. “Seungmin.” His hands are curled into fists at his sides, but the determination in his eyes is like steel. “Can I kiss you?”
“We just met,” Seungmin says, in order to show some restraint. “But I guess we did everything out of order anyway.”
He’s standing here with a boy he met for the first time and Seungmin is so in love. It should be ridiculous, yet it makes perfect sense. He lets his eyes fall shut.
Seungmin has never kissed anyone and Hyunjin has never kissed anyone he really liked, so in a way it’s a first for both of them. But Hyunjin is the one who knows more of the logistics, and he’s also the one who asked. Seungmin feels Hyunjin’s hand cup his cheek, his other hand come up to cradle the back of his head. And then he feels Hyunjin kiss him.
Hyunjin’s mouth is soft and warm. Seungmin’s brain exits his body, he could be melting for all he knows, but he doesn’t know. It’s all the 3 AM fantasies that Seungmin tried to stop except a hundred times better, because it’s real, and Seungmin doesn’t try to stop it. He lets himself drown and doesn’t care if he doesn’t know what he’s doing, wrapping his arms around Hyunjin’s waist, his fingers twisting into the fabric of his shirt. He wants them to be so close that California and Illinois become one state, that San Francisco and Chicago become one city, that two thousand miles becomes nothing at all.
Eventually they have to separate, and Seungmin can see the whole galaxy in Hyunjin’s eyes, shining with a mix of love and joy. They’re both crazy, but isn’t everybody who falls in love crazy, they might crash and burn the next day and they don’t even care. They worked too hard to even stand at the start line together, the world and the future at their feet.
Scenes flash by, pages out of a book still unwritten, photos from a camera roll still unfilled: the day when Hyunjin takes another one of Seungmin’s hoodies, citing the cold midwestern weather as his reason; the night when they’re first alone, and Seungmin tells Hyunjin that he doesn’t want to sleep; the phone call with Hyunjin’s parents, when he comes off the line with wet eyes and a quiet smile; the class when Seungmin looks at his notes, and realizes he wants to do this for the rest of his life.
There will be the afternoons when Hyunjin gets locked in his own head, and Seungmin has to pull him out, evenings when Seungmin gets too focused on his work, and Hyunjin has to make him take a break; and then there will be a few months where they will be separated yet again and have to go back to setting rules. Most importantly, there will be mornings when they do get to wake up together, and they will think, how lucky I am to be next to him .
But Seungmin knows that right now, Hyunjin doesn’t need his pen, and Seungmin certainly doesn’t need his camera. This moment will be frozen in his mind forever, kept in the warm gold glow of the setting sun. He will always remember the electricity in his veins, that feeling of coming home, when Hyunjin leaned in, and closed the last of the distance between them.
Notes:
july 15, 2019, i listened to the song time of our life by day6, and imagined a scene of two people meeting at an airport for the first time after waiting a long while. (in order to better understand this, you can listen to my friend’s cover which has the in-fic lyrics. her voice is gorgeous).
i couldn’t stop thinking of this scene for a whole year, i kept wondering why these two people were so excited to meet. this story is the explanation.
as i continued writing this, it became equally about the journey as it was about the destination. i only hope that if you are here with me, this fic made you feel something. if you want some bonus notes, you can check the comments on ch 10, if you want to see more of my writing, you can check my bookmarks. in any case, thank you for reading.
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