Chapter Text
The thing was, Bucky didn’t feel like Bucky at all.
That why Steve pissed him off every time he opened his big mouth and tried to make him remember the good old days. Bucky this, Bucky that, Bucky do you remember… Yes, he did, no he didn’t even feel like that memories were his. He just watched them, like a bystander, not really feeling anything to what was happening.
That was the whole thing, Bucky didn’t feel anything to that memories. Even his name didn’t feel like his own and he asked people to not use it, to call him James, but Steve didn’t understand. He was trying to be gentle and give him time and just be there, and James was so sick of him forcing him to be someone else. Sometimes he just wanted to scream: you fought for me so hard, why you can’t understand this is what I am! Why can’t you accept me like this?!
In the end he did nothing, too tired of confrontation and fights. He just wanted to be the one making decisions of his life now, the one to pick his friends, his foes, his favorite things without having everything thrust under his nose and being expected to just do what others wanted.
Maybe that why he liked the others Avengers more. The ones that didn’t know him. The ones that even if they started with glare and snark, now were friendly and he could be himself. At the beginning he didn’t think it would be even possible, not with how Steve was shadowing his every move, but with time he learned to go other way and compound AI helped too.
James didn’t understand why Steve didn’t like Tony that much. Almost his whole team didn’t like him… Almost was the key word. Sam stopped badmouthing genius in Wakanda when James was still in the freezer (Steve hated when he talked about cryo like that, but sometimes Steve can suck a dick). He read the Accords, then the amends Tony made and he understood and agreed with them. Then came the information that Tony made agreement in Berlin with higher-ups that they could make everything legal and Steve threw it away in his face without consulting Sam. He was pretty angry about it then, still was, James could see it easily. But then it was Sam’s fault, always blindly following Steve and Steve got used to it. Why ask about your opinion when you were expected to just follow. Yeah, not happening anymore.
And Scott, he was just… stupid. He was intelligent man, James knew, but he was naive, almost like a child and James just felt bad for him. And sorry Steve pulled him in the fight he didn’t need to be in. Or more Sam did it on Steve’s order and James knew that was another thing Sam was angry about it. Guilty too, he heard both of them talking and Sam apologizing, but apology won’t just fix everything.
But the rest of the team, James didn’t like that much. Steve just looked at him like James was someone else and waited for him to suddenly remember and just be Bucky, like James didn’t explained to him many times that not gonna happen. His therapist told him to stop just taking Steve’s word for everything and form his own opinions and look after himself first. James was sure Steve should have therapist too, but blond was stubborn and didn’t want to even hear about it at all. Clint was so angry all the time, angry at everyone for everything, spitting hate to everyone who was listening, but in the end he was the one mostly to blame for what happened to him. Why he even came, why Steve even called him when he was with his family, retired, James had no idea… No, he had… Adrenaline and feeling of being needed and important were powerful drugs.
Natalia… James remembered her. He remembered her as a little girl he needed to train, then as young woman he was working with. She was soft, warm memory with all the ice, murder and pain he went through. But she was just that, a memory. Natalia he looked at now was self absorbed woman with gigantic ego. He saw her government talk after mess in DC. She really thought she was so important and needed. Irreplaceable. She was good, that was true, but James remembered better Widows. Most of them dead now, Only Natalia managed to came to the other side like that. Looking for herself mostly all the time. How he picked Steve over Tony, James had no idea. She would be safe with Tony… Maybe she was angry she couldn’t read him fully, manipulate him just like she was manipulating Steve. Her loss.
He didn’t even want to think about Wanda. Steve’s sob story about misguided kid just made him want to almost vomit. Misguided kid his ass. He could remember her, remember people screaming he brought for her to train on. He was too important for Hydra to let her practice on him, even if it would mean his full submission without constant use of chair. He could remember her smiling, laughing when she destroyed people’s minds, leaving them drooling husks that were better dead than alive. He remembered killing them himself and bringing her new preys. He wanted to be sick… And she was walking around, pretending she never did it, that she was lied to and used, Steve even said she was just like James. Shame she couldn’t die and her brother to be alive, at least he was fun to be around, even if he was as crazy as her.
In the end he spend more time with younger Avengers, Peter, Harley and Kamala. He liked Riri too, but she liked spend of most her time in lab with Tony. If looking at that most of the younger ones liked spending time with Tony in lab, working on some of their own project or just doing homework. James liked spending time with them like that, everyone focused on something else, but together. He wasn’t part of that family, maybe someday, but not yet. So when they started gathering stuff to go for family dinner, James returned to his part of the Compound, where Steve and the rest were.
“You good?” Sam asked as he saw him walking in the kitchen they were using and James just nodded his head. “Just… Steve and Tony fought earlier today and he’s in bad mood. Just wanted to warn you.”
“Brilliant.” James sighed softly. “Where is he now? Gym?”
“Came back ten minutes ago, so I think he’s taking shower. If you are fast-”
“Bucky!”
James sighed and just sat at the counter, looking at Sam pleadingly. Airman grinned at him, before putting can of coke in front of him and moved to make more food for James too. They both knew it was better for James to look like he was there all the time, so Steve wouldn’t start pocking around. God, he was sneaking around like he was some kind of abuse victim, doing everything to not anger his abuser. His therapist wouldn’t like that if he tell him. When he tell him… that kind of things he should tell him.
“Bucky, I was looking for you earlier. Wanted to ask you if you wanted to spar maybe. Or get a dinner together. We were all thinking about ordering something and watching movie.” Steve said as he walked in, eyes zeroing on James, like there was no one else there.
“All?” James mouthed at Sam, who just shook his head. No, he wasn’t part of that conversation, so it were only Steve’s followers. He finally turned to look at Steve, face schooled in neutral expression, even if he felt just tired. “Sorry, but I already made plans with Sam about dinner.” he said and pointed at Sam, who was already cooking.
Steve blinked and followed his hand, like he didn’t see Sam earlier and maybe he didn’t. When Steve focused on one thing everything else disappeared. He smiled at Sam, before looking back to James. His brows furrowed as he zeroed on James’ face and James felt cold shiver run down his back. He saw Steve’s hand moving, touching his cheek, before coming back dirty with something dark. Oil from the workshop.
“Where were you earlier?” Steve asked, his voice completely neutral and blue eyes so focused James felt like he couldn’t move. “You never said where you usually disappear.”
“I don’t think it’s your business where I go in my free time.” James said finally, hands clenching in fists. His heart started pounding too and he hated how Steve made him feel. Like he was doing something he shouldn’t, like he was waiting for punishment.
“I am just worried about you, Bucky.” came words James fated, making him feel guilty instantly. Steve sacrificed so much for him, even when he didn’t like Steve that much, if not for him he may be dead or still have his conditioning, or… “People may take advantage of you when you don’t feel good and I just want to help. You’re my best friend, Buck. I would never leave you behind.”
But you did, James wanted to say, but stayed quiet. You just care about the memory, not me.
“So, where were you today?” Steve asked again and James had no idea what to say. Lie, for sure, but what? His mind was fuzzy already, full of cotton and his mouth felt heavy.
“We were in garage, working on his bike.” Sam answered for him and James felt like he could take a breath finally. “I ended earlier, it was quite boring, but he just came back. I take you put it back together.”
“Of course.” James felt so grateful as he looked away from Steve to Sam, who looked so concerned. Thanks God for Sam. “Good as new.”
“That’s good you have hobby, Buck!” Steve grinned and clapped his shoulder. “So, Sam, if you are cooking, we could get all team here and-”
“Sorry, Steve, I just burned it all.” Sam sighed and threw all the food in the trash. James could see and smell it was burn, but Sam never burn anything. “James, you still own me dinner. Chinese?”
“Sounds good…” James answered, not understanding why he was even asked about it.
“Good, come on, we will get Scott too, he said he had talk with his daughter today.” Sam took his forearm and bodily pulled him toward exit.
“Or you could join team and…” started blond, but Sam was already shaking his head. God, Thank you for Sam.
“No can do, gossip time, Cap. Only my girls.”
“I’m not your girl, Wilson!” James protested with smile.
“Of course not, you are my bitch!” Sam grinned back, walking quickly toward Scott’s room.
When they knocked, Scott just took one look at them and let them in, quickly locking the door behind. Sam sat him down and only then James felt his hands, both of them, were shaking, which was weird, his metal arm shouldn't shake at all.
“Nerves.” Sam said gently, like he was answering his question. “You’re murmuring under your breath, idiot.”
“Oh.” James said, before he took slow breath and forced his body to calm down, his heart to stop pounding. “I’m okay.”
“That didn’t look like you are okay.” Scott came back with glass of water and James took it slowly. “That looked like anxiety attack. What happened?”
“Steve.” Sam didn’t need to say anything else. “We’re going out to get some food. You’re coming with us?”
“Yeah. I don’t want to eat alone again.” Scott nodded his head. “Where are we going?”
“Chinese.” James rubbed his face, before smiling. “Sam said we are his girls and it’s gossip time.”
“Fuck yeah, I love gossip time!” Scott grinned widely. “Let’s go then!”
James looked as Sam shook his head with fond smile and Scott got ready and he frowned at himself. He didn’t understand why he reacted like that, his body just doing what it wanted. There was nothing to be nervous around Steve. Yes, he pissed James off all the time and he didn’t listen, and he thought he was always right, but Steve was… Steve. He would never do anything to James. There was nothing to be worried about.