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Meng Yao found himself lost in memories of past again.

They weren't exactly his memories, they were Jin Guangyao's. The person so messed up, he didn't blink before orchestrating a plot to kill his son, to kill his wife and perhaps most jarringly... kill the love of his life.

He can see the light in Mingjue's eyes vanishing as the other begs him to kill, to put an end on his misery. And he felt the strange dig of pain when the other cries, the ever-powerful Nie Mingjue, begging and crying for him to kill him.

It was all his fault.

He was so blinded by the power, that he mistook every ounce of concern as a threat to the throne. The throne he got, the throne he ruled for a long time.

The throne which felt so cold, so empty. Because he had taken away the life of the one he loves, taken the life of his son, taken the love of life of his best friend.

He had hatched the plan, but even for being a mastermind he wasn't prepared to deal with the possible outcomes.

Jiang Wanyin wasn't meant to die, Wei Wuxian was or maybe Jiang Yanli. If Jiang Yanli had died, that would have set the timer on Wei Wuxian's demise.

Wei Wuxian's death would have made Jiang Wanyin fell into a pit which would have made the power transfer smoother.

However, he underestimated Jiang Wanyin.

Jiang Yanli never came into the battlefield instead, they aimed for direct death of the Yilling Patriarch and then Jiang Wanyin threw himself in front of the sword.

The Yunmeng Jiang leader fell, all the power he held flowing out of him and mixing with the ground.

With him, fell the person who looked without judgement, without contempt at Jin Guangyao also fell. Lan Xichen died that day, smiles never as bright and despite everything being his fault, Meng Yao felt this one stab him right in his heart.

How many more have to die? He wanted to know but never asked.

Gusu Lan leader sobbed tears of blood and it was only half the battle.

If someone asked if he felt sad when he announced the death of his father, he honestly wouldn't know. However It felt strangely suffocating, thousands of eyes watching him as he recounted the "tragic incident".

Lanling Jin leader fell because of the things he had done and he doesn't feel sorry for him.

The last enemy remained the Nie sect. He felt his heart screaming at him as he steadily robbed the Qi of the person who was the first to show him respect, kindness and love.

He didn't stopped because how else would he face his mother?

And when years later the blade of Shouyue dived straight to his heart, he felt relief instead of pain.

He died next to the one person he loved the most, he died next to the person who loved him despite his wrongs, despite his anger, despite the black and white he believed in. He died next to the person he killed, whom he broke, whom he loved.

He remembered a few seconds before his death (because Mingjue didn't kill him, angry and betrayed he still loved him enough to not kill him unlike him-) he felt a warm presence next to him.

In that brief movement, he had wished to be given a chance to love the man as he deserved.

Despite his sins, someone listened.

A warm bigger hand warped around him dragged him back to present, a body that nearly hides his own holding him in a hug. Another hand brush his hair out of his forehead, kissing it gently.

"Thinking about it again?" The older man muttered softly in his ears, voice husky.

"You know I can't stop, my love. You don't even remember what I did to you." Meng Yao turned in the embrace, snuggling closer.

The other hummed, stroking his back as he slowly pulls himself back from the memory of a golden palace, long hair and the glint of Baxia. He pulls himself back from the sweetest memories of holding hands in the war tents and the darkest days of sitting on the throne with ashes to rule.

And pulls himself back to the arms of the man who is alive, because he is no longer Jin Guangyao, no longer a slave to revenge against people who have wronged him, no longer power-hungry enough to kill his lover.

He pulled himself back in the arms of the man who owned his heart, both back in the past and the present. Nie Mingjue opened his eyes and scoffed, "No use dwelling in the rotten past."

"But, A-Jue the things I have done-" He was cut off with a flick on his head.

"Not you, it was the person you were but you aren't him anymore."

"He will always be a part of me, I can't destroy the ambition as much as I want to. Sometimes I fear, what if the past repeats itself?"

"As much as he terrify you, I still love him. However it is your own problem to not let him overwhelmyou. Even with our past, you fucking murdering me, still wouldn't stop me from falling for you." Nie Mingjue snorted.

"You are horrible at this."

"This?"

"Talking, being comforting..." Meng Yao trailed off as he felt the other's chest shake in a silent laugh.

"Still love me anyway right?" Nie Mingjue smiled so wide that Meng Yao forgot what he was talking about.

He ran his smaller fingers through the other's hairs, "Yes I suppose I do."

The other hummed breathes evening out as Meng Yao kissed him on the cheek.

"Whatever happens, good or bad I would be with you." Nie Mingjue held him a little tighter as if his body agreed with his words.

"And I would love you and I suppose, refrain from stabbing you." Meng Yao wanted to drowned in the loud laugh of his lover.

He was home right in his arms. The laugh in his ears and strong body that cover his own, he was okay, he will be okay as long as he have Nie Mingjue by his side.