Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rachel Hamilton came to America with the clothes on her back, hoping for a better life for her and her unborn son. She married a man she'd met while she was living in her hometown in the Carribean. James had promised her that he'd take her away to America so they could start a new life. "Live the American Dream with me", he would say, luring her with promises of penthouses and expensive cars. He was a US citizen, so she obtained a green card after they got married. Soon enough, Rachel realized that her husband had lied to her. He wasn't rich, he lived in a tiny apartment with mold on the walls. He was a destitute and pathetic man who had gambled and drank away whatever money he'd had. When Alexander was born, the Hamiltons were barely scraping by.

By the time Alex was 6, his father had lost his job. Rachel was barely making enough to feed her family. One day, James walked out the door and never looked back, abandoning little Alex and his mother. The boy was only 9 years old. They never heard from him after that, except for when he sent Rachel divorce papers.

"Mommy, why did daddy leave?" Alex asked his mother one night, while she was tucking him into bed.
"Shh, go to sleep, sweetie." Rachel whispered, tears in her eyes.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, baby?"
"Are you going to leave?" little Alex asked, sadness apparent in his voice.
Holding back a sob, Rachel said: "Mommy's not going anywhere, angel. Mommy's staying right here, no matter what. I love you so much, Alex. You mean the world to me." She hugged him, crying.

Alexander was 12 when his mother died of a terminal illness. She was holding him close to her as she died. He was heartbroken, having lost his only parent.

He was sent into foster care, and eventually, he was taken in by George Washington and his wife. Martha couldn't have kids, so they decided to adopt. The Washingtons loved Alex and his bright mind. Despite everything the boy had been through, they could see that he still had a fire in his eyes. An avid reader, Alex had a thirst for knowledge, reading every book he could get his hands on. He wanted to be a lawyer, so he worked really hard to get into the college he wanted.

Chapter Text

Alex woke up with a headache on Friday. He got up at 6 am, as usual, showered, put on his favorite cologne, and then met his brother Aaron in the kitchen for breakfast.

“Morning,” Aaron greeted him groggily. He was wearing boxers, a T shirt and no binder. Alex smiled. He was glad his brother felt comfortable enough around him not to wear one. He knew Aaron was self-conscious about it, but Alex always assured him that no one would think twice even if they saw him without a binder and that not all guys had completely flat chests. Aaron was also an early riser, although similarly to Alex, he could be fairly grumpy before his first cup of coffee. Some days, the Washington brothers seemed to be running on caffeine and pure determination alone, seeing as none of them ever seemed to get enough sleep due to their busy schedules.

“Morning. Do we still have milk?” Alex asked, already on his way to brew his coffee.

“I think you finished the regular one, you can have some of mine if you want,” Aaron replied.

“Nah, man, I don’t want to drink yours, you need it more than I do. I’ll just drink my coffee black. My head is killing me anyway,” Alex said. Aaron was lactose intolerant, so the boys always got 2 separate boxes of milk. Alex was constantly out of milk, since he drank a lot of coffee and ate cereal every morning.

“I don’t mind, but whatever. I was going to make a grocery run today anyway. We’re running low on… Well, everything. You want anything, by the way?” Aaron questioned as Alex reluctantly poured milk into his freshly brewed pot of coffee.
“Yeah, if you could get me some Red Bull, and a pack of Marlboro Red, I’d appreciate it.”

Aaron sighed. “You know that stuff’s not good for you, right?” He said, disapprovingly.

“Ugh, you sound just like Dad.” Alex argued, trying to hide his grin.

“You’re smiling, because you know I’m right!” Aaron said, playfully.

“Ha!” Alex jokingly hit Aaron’s shoulder, causing the two boys to laugh hysterically.

After breakfast, Alex got some work done for Mr. Trumbull’s class. The essay wasn’t due until the next week, but he wanted to do it ahead of time or else he was sure it would be done during an all-nighter right before class, and he didn’t want to compromise the quality of his work. He also read some materials for his other classes that his professors had sent over email. By the time he was done, Aaron had gone to the grocery store, coming back to the apartment with 4 different bags that all looked very heavy.

“Jesus, man! How much did you spend on that?” It wasn’t unlike Aaron to go all out with groceries, but this was too much, even for him.

“Don’t worry, dude, we still have enough money for this month, but I needed to get this taken care of. If we keep eating out, we’re going to be penniless in no time, “ Aaron chimed. The bags were divided into cleaning supplies, raw materials for cooking, canned food and ramen just in case the boys were too lazy or busy to make real food, and toiletries. Aaron really knew how to shop smart.

“Did you get the stuff I asked for?”

“I got you some Red Bull, yeah.”

“And the Reds?” Alex asked, disappointed. Aaron sighed.

“Sorry, I forgot” Aaron lied.

“Aaron!” Alex spat. “C’mon! It’s my last pack, I swear.”

“You said that last time, then it became a pastime, Alex. You need to take care of your health, man. You’re already not eating enough, and you’re working yourself into the ground. You’re mixing coffee with Red Bull, for crying out loud! You’re going to get sick.” Aaron said in an exasperated tone.

“I can’t listen to this right now.” Alex growled. “I need to get to class.”

“Alex – “ Aaron started, before being interrupted.

“Fuck off, Aaron! You can’t tell me what to do!” Alex yelled, turning on his heel and walking out the door. He immediately regretted yelling at his brother. He knew Aaron only wanted the best for him, but he could be so suffocating sometimes. Just like his mom and dad. He always felt guilty for being mad at his family. Alex couldn’t really explain it – it was almost as if they were too loving, too nurturing. He felt guilty for being mad at people for actually caring about him and loving him. But part of him felt like he didn’t deserve that at all. Why else would his biological father walk out on him and his mom? It was obviously because he wasn’t good enough for him, because he didn’t deserve to be loved.

When Alex got to campus, he was greeted by his friends, who were sitting on a bench. He could hear Lafayette laughing from a mile away. He and Hercules were smoking, while John sat a little farther from them, waving his hands around trying to blow away the lingering smoke and coughing frantically. John had asthma, so he couldn’t stand to be around cigarette smoke for too long, but he loved hanging out with his friends, so he made an exception for them. They all tried not to smoke in his presence if they could avoid it, although during that particular morning, their lungs were on fire and they desperately needed their nicotine rush.

“Hey, guys!” Alex chimed.

“Alex! Mon ami! How are you this fine afternoon?” Laf greeted him cheerfully, pulling him into a hug.

“I woke up with a killer headache, but I’m fine now. Could I bum a smoke off you, please?” Alex asked, feeling a little bit guilty for asking for cigarettes from his friends. But alas, Laf obliged, handing him his pack so Alex could pull out a cigarette.

“Here,” Herc took his lighter out of his pocket, holding his hand over the cigarette as he lit it. As soon as he did, Alex took a long drag, being careful not to exhale in John’s direction.

“Thanks, man.”

“Don’t sweat it, kid,” Herc waved him off.

“I thought you were trying to quit,” John said, adjusting his ponytail and coughing a bit.

“You know how it goes…” Alex replied playfully. “Bring it in, man!” He said as he kissed John on the cheek before hugging him tightly, keeping his cigarette as far away from his friend as possible. The hug lasted longer than some would deem appropriate for two friends, but they didn’t care. They’d gotten pretty close since their first semester started. While he was chatting with Laf and Herc, Alex had noticed John doodling in his notebook during their first day, not really talking to anyone. He came up to him, trying to make conversation, and Laf made a joke about John drawing Alex “like one of his French boys”. The 4 students burst out into laughter, and instantly became friends. Alex and John, especially, were pretty much inseparable. They refused to do group projects without each other, and they always helped one another with homework.

“Oh, so I don’t get a hug?” Herc asked, putting his hand on his chest, feigning being hurt.

“Come here, you big goofball!” Alex grinned, leaning into Hercules’ bear hug. The man was built like a tank. He was nearly 6’5, wide-shouldered and buff, with toned biceps from working out. He usually wore tight tank tops or close fitting shirts that hugged his ripped abdomen. His voice was deep and rough, but melodious, and often when he spoke, objects in the room would vibrate. Alex was intimidated by him at first, to say the least, making a mental note never to get on his bad side, but as he got to know him, Herc’s goofy antics made it impossible for Alex to see him as threatening in any way. He could definitely be intimidating when he needed to, his very presence being the cause of anxiety, although in the company of friends, Hercules Mulligan didn’t seem capable of hurting even a fly.

“So… Alex,” Laf grinned from ear to ear. “You have a date tonight, don’t you?” teased, causing Alex to blush.

“Leave the man alone, Laf,” Herc chimed in.

“When are you gonna introduce us to Tommy?” Laf asked curiously. Alex just smiled.

“Stop teasing, Laf.” John perked up.

“I’m just, how you say? Busting his chops,” the French student laughed.

When his last class was over, Thomas was waiting for Alex in the hallway. When he saw him, he pulled him into a hug.

“Hey, Tom!” Alex greeted him cheerfully.

“Hey, Lexi,” Thomas said, a small smile on his face. Alex had to restrain himself from staring at his lips. “This is your last class for today, right?”. Alex nodded. “I still have Adams’. I’ll see you tonight, yeah?” Thomas said as he put his hand on Alex’s shoulder, causing the student to blush.

“Y-yeah,” Alex replied nervously, licking his lips. He could hardly believe his luck when Thomas Jefferson had asked him out on a date. He was way too attractive for his own good, and they had amazing chemistry. Alex was happy Tom had made the first move, since he would’ve been too scared to ever attempt that.

“See you later, Lexi. I’ll pick you up at 8.” Alex almost melted when Thomas called him by his nickname. He usually hated people calling him anything but Alex, but with Thomas, it was different.

“Bye, Tom.”

When Alex got home, he remembered his fight with Aaron that morning, and he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He was too excited for his date to let that ruin his mood, though, deciding to apologize to Aaron.

“Hey, Alex,” Aaron looked up from his desk to greet his brother.

“Hey…” Alex replied. “Look, Aaron… I’m sorry about this morning. You were right, I need to take better care of myself. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like that, it was immature. I know you’re just trying to look out for me. It’s just… It’s too much sometimes.” He said in a sincere tone.

“It’s okay, Alex. I wanted to apologize, too. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” Aaron replied. Alex hugged him, and when they pulled away, Aaron planted a kiss on his forehead. “You got that date tonight?” He asked.

“Yeah. Tom’s picking me up at 8.” Alex blushed. He let out a nervous laugh. “Honestly, I think he’s way out of my league.”

“Oh, come on, man. You sell yourself short. I’m sure it’ll go great.”

“Thanks,” Alex breathed out. “Okay, gotta get ready.” And with that, Alex disappeared into his room.

Aaron heard his phone ring from across the room, going back to his desk and picking it up. It was his father.

“Hey, Dad,” he said as he picked up the phone.

“Hey, son. How are you?” Washington asked.

“I’m just doing some homework right now. Alex is here, too.”

“Yeah? How’s he doing? He never tells me anything. Doesn’t text, doesn’t call.”

“He’s okay. He’s working really hard for his classes. He’s, umm… He’s going out tonight. Taking a little break,” Aaron said, treading carefully. He knew it was too early for Alex to let his Dad know he was seeing someone.

“Yeah? With whom?” Washington asked, curiosity apparent in his voice. Aaron paused for a second before replying.

“Just… Just some friends.”

“So he’s… He’s made friends?” Washington sounded unsure, almost skeptical, but hopeful. Alex hadn’t really had any friends in high school, and he was bullied a lot. He had a tendency to pick fights, much to George and Martha’s dismay.

“Yeah, he mentioned a kid named John Laurens, a Hercules and a Lafayette.”

“Oh, Laurens! Is he Henry Laurens’ son? He and I used to be college buddies,” Washington perked up.

“I’ll make sure to ask Alex, Dad.”

“What about you?”

“I’m doing good. I think my professors really like me. And, umm, I started seeing this girl, Theodosia.”

“That’s really nice, son. Maybe you can have her over for the break. Anyway, I don’t want to keep you from your work. Call me tomorrow, okay? And make sure Alex doesn’t stay out too late.”

“I will, Dad. I love you.”

“I love you too, son, Take care.”

“You too, bye.” Aaron said as he hung up the phone. He really missed his dad. His hometown in Virginia was only about a day’s drive away, but it felt farther than that. Aaron had left his whole life behind. He really wanted to become a lawyer, and New York offered the best opportunities for that, but he couldn’t help but feel twinges of nostalgia. Nevertheless, he was so grateful that both him and Alex had managed to get into Columbia. It allowed them to stick together, and Aaron could keep an eye on his brother. He felt so lucky to be alive, and to be there, in New York City. ‘The greatest city in the world,’ he would chant excitedly when him and Alex first moved there.

At around 7:30, Alex came out of his room wearing light makeup, a dress shirt and a blue and white striped tie that Washington had given him for his birthday, and his best pair of pants. He had his hair down, which was a rare sight, since he usually kept it in a ponytail or a messy bun.

“Wow,” Aaron exclaimed. “You look great, man!” Alex paused for a second.

“You really think so?” He asked, seeming unsure of himself. Aaron put his hand on his brother’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

“Alex,” he whispered. “You look handsome. Thomas is going to love your tie. Heck, he’s probably gonna feel underdressed,” Aaron reassured him. Alex smiled. He really loved that tie.

“Thanks, dude.”

“How long are you gonna be out?

“I don’t know, we’re gonna catch a movie and get something to eat. I’ll probably be home by midnight.” Alex said.

“Okay, I hope you have fun.”

A little while later, there was a knock on the door. Since Alex had gone to the bathroom, Aaron was the one who answered, much to Thomas’ dismay.

“Hi, you must be Thomas. I’m Aaron.” He smiled, holding out his hand. Thomas shook it. “Strong handshake,” Aaron noted. “My brother will be out in a second.”

“Hi, Aaron, nice to meet you!” Thomas smiled. Alex came out of the bathroom, noticing Aaron and Thomas talking in the doorway. He took a deep breath, and walked over to them.

“Hey, Tom,” he said, trying not to smile like an idiot.

“Hey, Lexi. You look beautiful tonight. You ready to go?” Thomas asked.

“Yeah. Let’s go,” he said, excitedly.

“It was nice meeting you, Aaron,” Thomas said with a grin on his face.

“Likewise,” Aaron said, giving Alex a look that said ‘please be careful’. And with that, they left.
Aaron had a really bad feeling about Thomas. Something about him just didn’t seem right to him. He went back to his homework, but he couldn’t ignore it.

The date went well. Thomas was really charming. They ate dinner at the mall, talking about college, laughing about the latest gossip. They talked about their plans for the future, their hopes and dreams. Alex talked about how much he loved writing, even showing Thomas some of his poems. He didn’t know why, but he trusted Thomas with things that he’d only trusted Aaron and John with. There was just something about him that made him feel warm inside. Maybe it was his Southern charm. They were both from Virginia, so he felt like he knew him somehow. Or maybe it was the fact that Thomas didn’t seem to care what other people thought of him. He lived his life unapologetically. Alex opened up about losing his biological family, and being adopted by the Washingtons, although he didn’t go into too much detail.

“Hamilton is a pretty name, I’m glad you kept it.” Thomas said. Alex felt his cheeks get hot.

“It’s my family’s legacy, you know? I love my adoptive family, but I also loved my biological parents.”

“I get that, Lexi. I think you’re doing a killer job, too. You’re one of Mr. Trumbull’s favorite students.” Alex blushed at that comment. He was glad to hear that. He tried really hard to be a good student.

“Thank you, I appreciate that.” Alex said. “So… Obligatory ‘how did you come out?’.” He smirked. Thomas chuckled.

“Well, my family didn’t really care. They always wanted to know who I was dating though, and would invite me to bring them home. I’m bisexual, so one day I just brought a guy home, and they acted so casual. Nothing was different. We didn’t even talk about it, they just let me do my thing. Only thing they cared about was if I was happy with the guy I was dating.”

“Wow, that’s really cool. My family’s the same. They just didn’t care. We did have a talk, though. Like, I came out to them and everything, when I was about 13. They told me they loved me and that they wouldn’t see me differently, and that was that. My brother was also really supportive.”

“I’m really glad, Alexander.” Thomas said, pausing for a bit. “I like your tie.” Alex blushed.

“Thank you, my dad gave it to me for my birthday. It’s my favorite.”

“Well, it really suits you.”

When they were done eating, they went over to the movie theater. Thomas made a move, putting his arm around Alex’s shoulder, and he leaned into him. They stayed like that for the remainder of the movie. When it was over, they decided to go for a drive. It was getting pretty late, but New York was beautiful at night, Thomas had his car, and neither of them wanted the evening to be over just yet. Thomas drove to a spot near the Brooklyn Bridge. They parked there, and just sat for a while, taking in the sight of the city.

“I love New York,” Alex whispered.

“Me, too.”

“Do you ever miss Virginia?”

“Every damn day,” Thomas answered honestly, gazing deeply into Alex’s eyes.

“Thomas, I - “ Alex didn’t get a chance to finish as Thomas closed the distance between their lips. Alex melted into the kiss, letting out a slight moan. Thomas’ lips were soft, bending Alex’s to their will. A warm feeling filled his chest. This was perfect.

“I’ve been wanting to do this all night,” Thomas said in a low voice.

“Thomas…” Alex whispered softly, before kissing Thomas again.

When Thomas finally drove Alex home, it was almost midnight. He unlocked the door to his apartment, giving Thomas one last peck on the lips before he left.

“See you tomorrow, yeah?” He said.

“Of course, Lexi, goodnight.”

“Goodnight. Drive safe.” He said before closing the door. As soon as he did, Aaron came up to him, worry painted across his features.

“Alex! Are you okay? Why didn’t you answer my texts?” He asked frantically.

“You… You texted me? Shit! I must’ve left my phone on silent after the movie. I’m sorry, man.”

“It’s okay, I was just worried.”

“Why would you be worried? I was with Thomas.”

“Well, yeah. You were with a guy you barely know, in a new city, late at night.”

“Aaron…” Alex started.

“Next time, please at least text me.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.”

“Did you have fun?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah, he was really nice. I think I… I really like him.” Alex said softly, blushing.

“Just… be careful, okay?”

“Okay. I’m going to bed now. Good night. Love you!”

“Love you too, man,” Aaron said as he pulled his brother into a hug. “Goodnight.”

Alex had a dream about Thomas that night. Coincidentally, so did Aaron, although it wasn’t as pleasant as Alex’s.

Chapter Text

Finals were coming up, and Alex was already stressing out about it. His friends had convinced him to go to a party with them. Thomas had agreed to go, much to the dismay of Lafayette, John and Hercules, who just wanted to spend some quality time with their friend. Since Alex and Thomas had started dating a couple months prior, they rarely got to hang out with Alex outside of classes without Thomas around. Although, whenever one of them mentioned that, Alex would get mad, so they kept quiet about it. Still, they all thought it was weird how the couple had become a package deal.

Before the party, John, Hercules and Lafayette had met up with Alex at his apartment so they could all get ready, and spend some quality time alone with him before Thomas would pick them up. Laf had done everyone’s makeup, and he was proud of his work.

“Mon ami, you’re gonna turn a few heads tonight!” Lafayette joked, looking Alex up and down. All of them burst out into laughter.

“Well, there’s only one I care about,” Alex said, smiling.

Laf sighed. “Petit lion, can I confess something to you? But promise you won’t get mad.” He said in a serious tone.

“Sure, I guess.” Alex said, looking at Laf expectantly.

“I know it’s none of my business, but… I don’t like Thomas.” Laf sighed.

Alex looked to him sadly. “Can I ask why?”

“I just…He seems so possessive and jealous whenever you talk to other guys. And – I feel like we never get to hang out with you anymore, man. I mean just you. Even now, Tom is coming to pick us all up, and… I just need some quality time with my petite lion.” Laf explained breathlessly, frantically waving his hands around. When Alex didn’t say anything, his face contorted into an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have brought this up.”

“No, it’s okay. Look, I lo-“ Alex paused, sighing. “I love Tommy. Like, I’m actually in love with him,” Alex chuckled nervously. “We haven’t even said that yet. But yeah, you guys are my friends. I’ve never had a group of friends before. I’m sorry I’ve been distant.”

“It’s okay, mon ami. Hey, you know we all love you, right?” Laf said.

“ I’d fight for you,” Herc perked up.

“Me? I’d die for you,” John said theatrically, putting his hand on Alex’s shoulder.

They all laughed hysterically. “Hey, how about we get pizza from that vegan place this week?” Alex asks, excitedly.

“Sounds great!” John said.

“Alright, Tom is here,” Alex says, looking at his phone. “Let’s go have some fun!” He exclaims, before going to his brother’s room to say goodbye.

“Alex,” Aaron says before Alex leaves. “Please be careful.”

“I will, don’t worry. I’m with Tommy and my friends. I’ll be fine.” Alex replies, pulling Aaron into a hug. “Love you!

“I love you too, man. Have fun.” Aaron smiles.

The drive to the club is quiet, until John and Alex’s favorite song comes on the radio. Alex turns the volume up, and they both start singing along to it. After it ends, they start laughing hysterically, earning a weird look from Thomas.

“I can’t believe Seabury messed up our project! It would’ve been perfect if it weren’t for him!” John said, looking at Alex.

“Yeah, dude! I wanna punch that guy so bad.” Alex said.

“He does have a punchable face,” Herc joked, earning a laugh from Alex and John.

When they arrive at the club, Laf, Herc and John get out of the car, already heading inside. Before Alex could exit the vehicle, however, Thomas grabbed his wrist, scowling at him.

“Tommy?” Alex says, confused. “What’s wrong?”

“Why are you dressed like that?” Thomas growls.

“Don’t you like it?” Alex asked, his face contorting into a sad look. Thomas glares at him. “Tommy, don’t be like that. Laf worked hard on my makeup. I just wanted to look hot for you.” He leans in and kisses Thomas, who seemed to drop it. “Now, let’s go have fun.” Alex took Thomas’ hand and they went straight to the bar, ordering a round of Tequila shots for everyone.

“First round is on me!” He announced, earning a cheer from Lafayette and John. The five students downed their shots quickly, making their way to the dance floor.

Laf and Herc danced together, grinding on each other and making out. Alex always thought the two would make a really good couple, although Laf wasn’t exactly the most monogamous person, and Herc would probably want to be exclusive if they ever got into a relationship. That didn’t stop them from making out and having a little fun together now and again, so it wasn’t surprising for Alex to see them grinding against each other. He leaned against Thomas as he watched them.

“Babe, I’m going for a smoke.” Thomas said in Alex’s ear, loud enough so the latter would hear him over the music. Alex nodded, giving him a quick peck on the lips before he went.

Alex made his way over to John, who had been dancing with some guys who seemed to be in college. He held his hand out, and John gladly took it. They danced slowly, John with one hand on the smaller boy’s hip and the other on his shoulder, and Alex with both hands on John’s shoulders. Alex was glad to be with his best friend. It had been ages since they’d partied together. When the song that had been playing ended, John pulled Alex into an embrace, kissing his cheek.

“Alexander, you’re the closest friend I’ve got” He said, moving close to Alex’s ear to make sure he hears him. Alex smiled, gazing deeply in John’s eyes. They embraced, holding onto each other for a while.

“Wanna get another drink?” Alex asked.

“Hell yeah!” John said excitedly.

They walked over to the bar, holding hands so they don’t lose each other in the crowd. Alex ordered a Cuba Libre for him and John. Alex downed his drink, pulling John away from the bar.

“Whoa, take it easy, man!” John laughed. “You good?”

Alex nodded. “I gotta go pee. Be right back,” he asked.

“Sure, dude.” John said.

Alex was disappointed to see a line in front of the stalls. Deciding he didn’t have to go right away, he started making his way back to where his friends were. Then, a tall, lanky guy approached Alex. He was wearing a Pink Floyd tee shirt, with black ripped jeans. His blonde locks fell on his shoulders, and he was sporting a nose piercing. He looked older than Alex. If it weren’t for the dark eyeliner completing his rebellious teenager look, Alex would’ve thought he was in his mid-twenties.

“What’s your name, sweetie?” The guy asked.

“Hi, I’m Alex.” The student smiled.

“Name’s Sam.” The blond replied.

“Nice to meet you, Sam,” Alex said. “You from around here?”

“Born and raised,” Sam chuckled. “You?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Virginia.” Alex smiled.

“You a student?” Sam asked.

Alex nodded. “Columbia law,” he said, proudly. He seems nice, Alex thought. It had been a while since he’d actually talked to anyone outside of his circle of acquaintances. Maybe his friends were right, he did spend a little too much time with Thomas. In just a few months, he’d cocooned himself in his little comfort zone, and he was starting to dread that. He’d almost forgotten how much he loved schmoozing with interesting strangers. Alex had always loved the thrill of meeting new people, every exchange uncovering a little of the mystery of his interlocutor. People in his hometown in Virginia had such bland life stories, although New York was something else. Alex thought there was nothing quite like New York. Nowhere else in the world could you wander and hear every language, see people of so many different backgrounds trying to make a life for themselves.

Alex and Sam danced together, and Sam was surprisingly good. Alex had a few moves, but he paled in comparison. At one point, though, things got a little heated and Sam grabbed his ass. Fuck. Alex’s blood ran cold. Sam seemed to have misinterpreted the situation.

“Sam, I have a boyfriend,” Alex said. He backed away from Sam, but the blond inched even closer, completely ignoring what he’d said. Alex froze as he felt Sam’s hands roaming his body. The blond leaned in and pressed his lips against Alex’s. The student instantly pulled away, trying to distance himself, but Sam had wrapped his hands around his waist, grinding against him. Alex wanted to push him off, or yell at him, but he couldn’t. He felt stuck in this situation, and he didn’t know what to do. Suddenly, Thomas pulled Sam away, yelling at him and shoving him to the ground. He grabbed Alex’s wrist tightly and pulled him outside. John and Laf gave them incredulous looks as they noticed them making an A-line toward the exit of the club.

“What the FUCK were you doing?” Thomas yelled once they were outside, away from the crowd of smokers and other party dwellers. He loomed over Alex, a scowl on his face, still holding his wrist tightly.

Alex gulped. “Tommy, you’re hurting me.” He said. He felt like he was about to cry.

“You fucking slut! You think I didn’t see you flirt with him?” Thomas’ voice boomed.

“I-I didn’t!” Alex said. “He just came up to me, and we talked, and he – he…” His voice cracked as he trailed off. He gasped as Thomas grabbed the hem of his shirt, shoving him against the wall. Alex hit his head, crying out in pain.

“Fuck…” Thomas muttered as Alex looked at him, dazed. “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He pulled Alex into an embrace, running his hands through his hair. “Lexi, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He whispered. “I love you, baby.”

And there it was. Thomas was the first to say the word. Alex had been waiting for the right moment to say it, but he was scared to. As always, Thomas had made the first move.

“I love you too, Tommy.” Alex kissed Thomas deeply, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Let’s head back inside, darling,” Thomas whispered apologetically, taking Alex’s hand into his own.

“You okay, bro?” Herc asked, sounding amused but also slightly concerned. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Alex shrugged. His eyes were puffy and he had a sad look in his eyes. His hair looked disheveled, and his shirt was a mess. “I’m okay.” John looked at him questioningly, eyeing Thomas, who was standing next to him. His features softened as he put his hand around Alex’s shoulders. “Let’s have another round tonight.”

***

It was about 2 am when a drunk Laf announced that he and Herc were taking an Uber home, earning a cheer from Alex and John.

“You go, Herc! Get some” John whistled.

“Stay safe, a’ight?” Laf said as he kissed John and Alex goodbye before getting into his Uber with Herc.

Suddenly, Alex realized him, John and Thomas were all really drunk, and Thomas had been their designated driver.

“Guys, we don’t have any money left for an Uber, so I’m gonna call my brother to pick us up, alright?” Alex muttered, taking out his phone and dialing Aaron’s number. “Hey, did I wake you up?”

“Nah, I was working on an essay, what’s up? You okay? Do you need me to pick you up?” Aaron asked.

“Uh, yeah, Tom can’t drive. I’ll text you the address.” Alex mumbled.

“I’ll be there in 20.” Aaron stated.

Chapter Text

Out of anybody who could’ve called him that morning, John had never expected Angelica Schuyler would be the one. The Schuyler sisters were very popular at Columbia law, but they mostly kept to themselves and their tight-knit circle of friends that John was decidedly not a part of. He didn’t even know how Angelica had gotten his number, but alas, he jumped at the sound of his ringtone, realizing he’d been 5 seconds from falling asleep and cursing himself for pulling an all-nighter to finish the project he’d been working on. He was exhausted, and he wanted nothing more than to sleep, but the day was just beginning.

“Hello?” John answered the phone, noticing he didn’t recognize the number.

“Hi, is this John Laurens?” A female voice came from the other end.

“Uh, yeah, who is this?” John replied.

“It’s Angelica,” She said. “Schuyler. Is this a bad time? Did I wake you up?” She asked.

“No, no, not all. I actually just finished working on something. You know how it goes. So, umm, what can I do for you?” John asked.

“Well, I wanted to talk to you about something. It’s about Alex. It’s kind of important. Could you meet me on campus before class or something?” John felt a rush of anxiety at the mention of Alex’s name.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll be there in 30 minutes. I don’t have class for another hour, so we can take the time to talk. That cool?” John said.

“Yep. See you there, John.” Angelica replied.

Well, that was weird, John thought to himself after hanging up the phone. He wondered what Angelica needed to say to him. He knew that Alex and the Schuyler sisters had gone to the same high school and used to be pretty close, and Alex had vaguely talked about some drama between them. Something about Eliza dating Alex despite Angelica having a crush on him, and some other girl getting between them. He couldn’t remember the details, although the prospect of Alex dating girls and being attractive to girls had always been weird to him. John knew that Alex was bisexual, but he’d only shown interest in men since they’d met, so it was hard to picture Alex pining after a girl. Although, having seen the Schuyler sisters, he could definitely understand the appeal.

John poured himself his fifth coffee within the last 24 hours, feeling blessed that he only had 2 classes that day. He ate avocado toast, olives and a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches. Since he’d worked all night, he was starving. Unlike his friends, he only allowed himself to be unhealthy with regards to his sleep schedule. Breakfast and lunch were sacred to him, though. He couldn’t afford to walk around New York City both sleep deprived and famished. He felt lucky to live so close to campus, and that Henry had agreed to get him his own apartment so he wouldn’t have to endure life in the dorms. John and his father had their disagreements, but ultimately, Henry wanted the best for his son.

When he got to campus, he saw Angelica sitting on a bench right outside the building. She looked well rested, full of energy. The complete opposite of John. Her hair was down, her curly locks falling just beyond her shoulders, which was a rare but beautiful sight. She was wearing a pink chiffon dress that was just short enough not to be considered too humble or modest for her age and just long enough to provide an air of seriousness and professionalism fit for an aspiring lawyer. She tended not to wear that much makeup, sporting only some dark red lipstick on and a touch of mascara. She looked stunning.

“John, hi” Angelica perked up, looking happy to see him. She pulled him into a quick hug, and John could smell her flowery perfume. He knew that the Schuylers tended to be really friendly, even with people they weren’t that close to, but he couldn’t help but feel a little taken aback by her jovial welcome.

“Hey, Angelica.” John greeted her. “You look nice today.”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “How about you and I go for a walk?” She suggested.

“Alright,” John said.

They walked around campus, and for a few minutes, none of them said anything. John tried to contain his anxiety, taking deep breaths. Angelica noticed this, taking it as a sign that she needed to get to the point.

“You look tired… How many classes do you have today?”

“Just two, thank God.” John chuckled.

“That’s good, you should really catch some sleep. I could say the same about Alex, I swear that guy functions on caffeine alone.” She laughed, and John couldn’t help but let out a chuckle as well. Angelica’s laughter was contagious. “Speaking of Alex…” Her tone was serious. She stopped walking, causing John to do the same. She looked around, almost as if she was wary that someone might overhear their conversation. Her face contorted into a look of sadness. In less than a second, her entire demeanor had changed. She sighed. “You remember that party you guys went to last weekend?” She asked.

“Yeah, we had fun… I mean, there were some bad vibes, but… Yeah.” John mumbled. Stop being so awkward, he cursed himself.

“Did you,” she paused. “Notice anything strange about Alex?”

John gulped. “Um, yeah, Alex went to the bathroom and next thing I know, Thomas is basically dragging him outside. I’ve no idea why. Seemed real angry, too. When they came back, Alex was a mess. I didn’t pry, though, figured it was just some stupid argument and that he didn’t wanna talk about it.” He said.

Angelica sighed. “Well, me and Liza stepped outside for a bit.” She paused, taking in a deep breath before continuing. “We were out for a smoke, and we saw Thomas shouting at Alex.”

“Okay…” John said quietly. He didn’t like where this was going.

Angelica took John’s hand. “John…” she whispered, searching for the right words. “Thomas yelled something about Alex flirting with some guy, I didn’t really hear any of it. Then he… He shoved him, John. Against the fucking wall.

John stared at her in disbelief, mouth agape. “Jesus Christ,” he breathed.

“I really wanted to intervene, but Liza stopped me. She’s real sensitive about this kind of stuff.” Angelica averted her gaze. She cleared her throat. “Anyway, they just kissed and made up after that. As if nothing happened.”

“It must’ve been just a misunderstanding, right? I mean, fuck. I’m sure he didn’t mean to…” John trailed off.

“I don’t know… But I’m telling you, nothing good will come out of this.” Angelica sighed. “Look, Alex doesn’t talk to me and my sisters like he used to. But… He talks to you, right?” Barely. Alex had been distant lately. John figured he needed some space, but it was hard not to feel a little hurt by it.

John shrugged. “Sometimes… I mean, he opened up about some stuff. I know he had a really rough time when he was younger.”

“Yeah, he was really struggling for a while. My sisters and I tried to be there for him as much as we could when we were in high school, but things just got… messy. Anyway, it’s all in the past now. I’m glad he has someone there for him now.” Angelica trailed off.

“I’m gonna be honest… We haven’t even hung out properly in god knows how long. I just… I feel like he’s shutting us all out and I don’t know how to be there for him.” John said.

Angelica sighed. “There has to be a way to get through to him. I don’t like this situation at all. I don’t like Thomas one bit. I want to be wrong about him, believe me, but I just…” Angelica pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. John gently put his hand on her shoulder, and she pulled him into a hug.

“Look, I don’t think we should jump to conclusions right now. I think we should talk to Tom. Maybe sit them both down. I don’t know. It’s just… It needs to be addressed, you know?” John said.

“I guess… I still don’t trust Jefferson.” She said. “Anyway, thanks for listening to me,” She said, kissing John’s cheek. “You’re a good person, John. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you, okay?”

“Thank you… I really appreciate that. I know we haven’t gotten to know each other, but I think you’re really cool, Angie.” John said. He looked at the clock on his phone. “Shit, I should head to class. I’ll see you around.”

“See you, John. Hey, get some rest when you can. You look like you need it.”

***

John was glad to be done with classes for the day. He was beyond exhausted, both physically, and emotionally. He just wanted to feel a soft pillow against his head.

“Hey, John, you got a minute?” Aaron asked, waking John from his bed-related daydreaming. He rubbed the back of his neck. His tone was filled with urgency.

“Yeah, sure.” John replied, not being able to help a yawn.

“Would you like to have coffee with me?” Aaron said. John was surprised, if not a little annoyed by the prospect of having to drink more coffee instead of falling face first into his bed. Him and Aaron would text sometimes, and they’d seen each other at events and some get-togethers with Alex and his friends, but they didn’t exactly hang out on their own, so he definitely thought Aaron’s invitation was peculiar. Is he asking me out? John asked himself for a second, then quickly shook away the thought. Ugh, don’t be an idiot, John.

“Um, I guess,” John agreed, unsure. “Right now?” He asked.

“Yes,” Aaron gave a small smile. “Its’ – it’s important.”

Oh, John thought. What could be so important that Aaron needed to talk to him specifically, and right away? Does this have to do with Alex? He asked himself. The memory of that morning made its way to the forefront of his mind. The worry in Angelica’s voice. The puzzle pieces seemingly coming together to form a terrible picture that John wasn’t quite ready to accept yet. The way Aaron carried himself reminded him of that. A feeling of dread set in John’s stomach.

John groaned. “Let’s go.”

He tried to keep his anxiety under control as they made their way to the nearest coffee shop. It always got worse when he didn’t get a good night’s rest, so John once again cursed himself for having stayed awake all night.  The cafe was a quaint little place, with stairs going down into a small, cozy room. Inside, there were two round tables with small white chairs, as well as a wall table with barstools scattered across it. Fortunately, there was no one inside, so the students had a little privacy.

“Ms. Trumbull, hi!” Aaron greeted her. “I’ll have a double espresso and a biscuit, please.”

“Right away, dear.” Ms. Trumbull replied, cheerfully. “What about you, John?” she asked.

“I think I’ve had enough caffeine for the week,” John chuckled. “I’ll just have a hot chocolate, and a ham sandwich.” He said.

“You want the sandwich heated or cold?” Asked Ms. Trumbull.

“Heated,” John said. The woman took the sandwich out of the small display case, putting it into the microwave.

“Coming right up, I’ll bring them to you guys when they’re done.” She smiled.

Ms. Trumbull was a jovial woman in her late 40s. Her and her husband, John Trumbull, who happened to be Alex’s favorite teacher, had been running this business for years. She knew every student that came in by name, and was always a source of positivity and amazing coffee for tired students who ran on caffeine and pure strength of will. At that particular moment, she thought Aaron and John perfectly fit that description. She was the epitome of settling down with a partner with a white picket fence and having kids who would blow everyone away some day, a prospect that college students in their prime didn’t quite understand or feel the need for yet, save for the odd few who already had plans for the ball and chain.

“So…” John looked at Aaron expectantly. When was the last time he slept, he thought, noticing the bags under his eyes. Despite looking as if he was about to die from exhaustion, something that the two currently had in common, Aaron was still dressed impeccably as always, his head and face freshly shaven, his white dress shirt tucked into his pants, his tie hugging his neck tightly. How does he breathe in that thing, John wondered as Ms. Trumbull placed their orders on the table. “Thank you,” he said absentmindedly. John couldn’t help but notice the strong smell of Aaron’s cologne, and his excellent posture. He wondered how Aaron could sit up so straight, especially when he was so tired.

“So,” Aaron mirrored a few moments later, sipping on his coffee and clearing his voice. He paused for a couple of minutes, while John looked at him expectantly. He sounded unsure of himself, which was really unlike Aaron. Usually he was so confident, never losing his composure and allowing himself to be overtaken by emotion, never having trouble finding the right thing to say. I suppose they have that in common, John thought. Despite being foster siblings, the Washington brothers were exactly the same in that regard. Whereas Alex wrote everything down on paper as well as constantly verbalized his ideas, Aaron tended to be more reserved, choosing every word carefully and only revealing his innermost thoughts to his narrow, but very close circle of friends, whom he would undoubtedly trust with his life. Right now, though, the roles seemed to have reversed. Alex was the one who was reserved, and Aaron was the one reaching out, grasping at straws. John looked at the man in front of him. For the first time since he’d met Aaron, he seemed to be at a loss for words. He had a distant look in his eyes, and the worry was evident. It made John feel really uncomfortable, having to focus on his breathing. After a long, uncomfortable silence, Aaron took a deep breath, and finally spoke. “We need to talk about Alex.”

“Alex?” John breathed almost immediately. His stomach churned. “Is this about what Angelica said?” He asked.

“Yeah, I talked to her. Before she came to you. So, you know what happened at the party?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah…” John replied in a small voice, and the two silently agreed that they needn’t reiterate what they both knew.

Aaron ran his hand over his face. “Angie… she talked to me.” He took a deep breath. John had never seen such a look of defeat on his face. “I’m worried for him, John.”

“We need to do something about this,” John stated sternly, trying to maintain his composure. Between the obvious sleep deprivation and worry for his brother, not to mention the stress of upcoming exams, Aaron looked like he was 2 seconds away from a nervous breakdown, so he decided it was best to keep calm.

“He won’t talk to me, that’s a non-starter.” Aaron sighed. He reached over and put his hand over John’s. “Please, keep an eye on him for me? You’re his best friend. He might listen to what you have to say.”

“Actually… I think he’s shutting me out,” John whispered.

Aaron sighed. “Please, promise me you’ll try. Just… I don’t know. We need to talk about this with him.”

“Okay,” John said. “I promise. And Aaron?”

“Yeah?” He said.

“Please get some rest.” John pleaded. “You look like you need it.”

***

John had slept for 15 hours, waking up the next day with a slight headache, but otherwise completely, and utterly rested. Alex, on the other hand, hadn’t had a good night’s rest in about 4 days. Studying for finals and doing extra credit work, as well as spending time with Thomas, had left him incredibly sleep deprived. John had practically begged Alex to take a break and hang out with him after class, so they decided to get bagels from a Jewish place near campus, and headed to John’s apartment so they could watch Netflix and smoke some weed.

“Can I ask you something?” John said as he lit up a joint, taking a long hit before passing it to Alex.

“Sure,” Alex said, voice barely above a whisper.

“Are you… are you doing okay?” John questioned. “You’ve been a little off these last few weeks. Is everything okay?”

For a second, John saw something in Alex’s eyes, before Alex quickly averted his gaze. John couldn’t really place it. It seemed like he was scared of something. He’d noticed that before - sometimes Alex would tense up and curl in on himself as if he wanted the earth to swallow him whole. It was very unlike him, which was why it was so striking to see his friend act like that. Between his conversation with Angelica, and Aaron asking him to keep an eye on Alex, John had been growing increasingly worried for his friend.

“Yeah, I’m okay, it’s just...” Alex trailed off. “I’m tired.”

“Alex…Angelica said she saw Thomas push you.” John said, trying to hide the concern in his voice. “At the party.” Alex was silent, taking a hit from the joint. “You know you can trust me, right?” John whispered, putting his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you, and I’ll be here for you no matter what.”

Alex sighed. “It was just a misunderstanding. He saw me flirt with some guy and he got a little carried away, that’s all. It was my fault.”

“Wait, flirting?” John asked, incredulously.

“A guy came up to me and we started dancing. Then he… He grabbed me. Tom pushed him off.” Alex explained. “It’s… It was my fault. I led him on.”

“Alex, no…None of that was your fault. The guy shouldn’t have done that shit to you, okay?” John said. “And Tom… Alex, I can’t believe he shoved you!” Alex lowered his gaze at the mention of his boyfriend’s name, almost as if he was ashamed. “Why didn’t you say anything?” John questioned.

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Alex all but whispered.

“Alex! He literally pushed you against a fucking wall! He could’ve split your skull open, for God’s sake!” John said, his tone sounding harsher than he’d intended.

“Forget it!” Alex spat.

“I’m sorry.” John said softly. “Look, I care about you a lot. You, and Laf and Herc, you guys are the only real friends I’ve ever had. I just want you to be okay.” John said.

“I’m fine,” Alex said curtly.

John sighed, exasperated. “We both know you’re not.” He pulled Alex into a hug, holding him tightly. “Please, just… Talk to Thomas. This isn’t something you can just sweep under the rug.” He said, kissing Alex’s forehead. “You know I love you, right?” He whispered, his voice coarse from the smoke he’d inhaled.

“I love you too, John,” Alex said softly.

They both got really high. Alex sat in John’s lap, while John played with his hair. After nearly 100 hours without sleep, Alex finally drifted off. Finally, John thought. He wiggled himself from under Alex, grabbing a pillow and blanket from his bedroom, tucking Alex in and ensuring he would sleep comfortably. He hoped the couch was soft enough for him. Knowing Aaron would start to wonder where he was soon, and since Alex was out cold, he texted Aaron: Alex is with me. We hung out. Talked about the incident a bit. Let him crash at my place.

Aaron’s reply came pretty quickly. Thanks for taking care of him, John. I appreciate it.

John made his way over to his bedroom. It had been a relaxing day, and he was glad he finally got some quality time with Alex. He was also glad that Alex was finally getting the sleep he needed. He couldn’t help worrying for him. When they talked about the incident with Thomas. Alex had been so dismissive in a way that was uncharacteristic of him. John opened his prescription bottle and took one of the pills inside, swallowing it and chugging some water before going to sleep.

That didn’t stop the nightmare. It was the same one he’d gotten every night for the last few weeks. He was in the middle of the ocean, lying on a drift wood, singing softly, looking up at the stars. Alex was next to him, holding onto the drift wood, his lower body engulfed by the freezing water. He had ice in his hair, and his eyes were closed, his mouth agape. John could see a bright light coming from a boat that was approaching them. Distant voices were calling out.

“Alex,” John shook Alex’s hand, trying to wake him up. “Alex…” He whispered. “Alex, there’s a boat.” John kept trying to shake Alex out of his slumber, whispering his name over and over, but Alex wouldn’t wake up. “Alex, there’s a boat,” he cried. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. The boat was leaving. “Come back… Come back!” He spoke as loud as he could, but his voice was weak.

Suddenly, Alex’s hands slipped from the drift wood. John tried to hold onto him as tightly as he could, but he wasn’t strong enough. “I’ll never let go. I promise.” John said as he watched Alex’s lifeless body swallowed by the ocean. He laid back down on the drift wood, looking up at the stars, closing his eyes.

Chapter Text

Aaron made himself a cup of strong, black, sugarless coffee. He’d finally gotten 8 hours of sleep, and he was feeling pretty rested that morning. He did feel a little lonely, since Alex hadn’t joined him for breakfast due to his sleepover at John’s. He liked having company when he was home, especially from people he felt really comfortable enough with to let his guard down. He considered inviting the Schuylers over, but he knew they were probably busy, so he decided against it. Since he didn’t have classes that day, and Alex wouldn’t be home for a while, he decided to FaceTime his dad.

“Hey, son,” George’s voice came from the other end. “What’s up?”

“Hey, dad! I just woke up, I’m going out later today. Alex is out right now so I have the morning to myself.” Aaron smiled.

“He’s out so early?” George inquired.

“Yeah, him and John hung out at his apartment yesterday, and Alex was so tired that he fell asleep on his couch. John just let him stay the night, since he couldn’t remember the last time Alex had gotten some shut-eye.” Aaron chuckled.

“I’m glad he’s finally getting some sleep. That boy is non-stop.” George laughed. “What about you, you said you were going out?” George asked, curiosity washing over his features.

“Well… I’m seeing,” He paused. “This girl I’m dating.” Aaron continued. George’s smile made him blush.

“I’m glad you found someone, Aaron. What’s her name?” George asked.

“Theodosia. She’s really sweet. We’ve been friends for a while, but we’ve only been going out for a couple of weeks. She’s an art student.” Aaron enthused.

“Art,” George mirrored. “I guess opposites attract, huh,” He chuckled.

Aaron chuckled. “Um, I haven’t… I haven’t told her yet.” George gave him a knowing look.

“It’s okay, son, you’ll come around to it.” He said.

“It’s just… I’m kinda scared, Dad. What if she’s not gonna want to be with me?” Aaron sighed.

“Son, if that’s the case, then she’s really not worth your time. Just be honest with her, and things will be okay, alright?” George said softly.

“Alright…” Aaron said. “How’s mom?”

“She’s doing better. The meds seem to be working. Got these really important clients at work. We really miss you guys. You coming home after finals?” George asked.

“Of course, I can’t wait.” Aaron smiled.

***
Alex came home at about 1 pm. For once, he didn’t look disheveled. He’d washed his hair, he was wearing John’s oversized hoodie, as well as his deodorant and cologne, and he looked more rested than ever. He was in a cheerful mood.

“Wow, you clean up okay,” Aaron teased. “I see you and John had fun,” Aaron said.

“Yeah, we just smoked and watched some Netflix,” Alex perked up. Aaron smiled, ruffling Alex’s hair, earning an annoyed groan from the shorter student.

“Are you going out? I could smell your cologne from the hallway.” Alex questioned.

“Yeah, I’m seeing Theo.” Aaron said cheerfully.

“Oh, right. How are things with her?” Alex asked, making himself a sandwich, having promised John to remember to eat that day. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Well… I really like her, but I haven’t…” Aaron’s voice trailed off. He waved his hands around. “You know.”

Alex nodded. “It’s gonna be okay, man.”

“It’s just… I’m scared. Dating was never quite my style, and it’s not like I’ve come out to that many people before.” Aaron said. He’d only had to come out to his family. He had switched high schools in order to avoid having to out himself to everyone, and after getting his legal documents changed, he hadn’t felt the need to share his history. Alex had always done his best to be there for him, just like Aaron had been there when he realized that he was bisexual. He’d been the first person Aaron had told. He was there when Aaron had decided to talk to his parents, and while George and Martha ultimately understanding and supportive, it was still a difficult experience.

Alex put his hand on Aaron’s shoulder. “Hey, It’ll be okay. “Look, you just gotta be unapologetically Aaron.” That earned him a snort. “I’m serious. Just tell her this is who you are, and if she doesn’t like that then tell her to fuck off.”

“You make it sound so simple,” Aaron sighed.

“That’s because it is. Look, when someone loves you, they just love you, the way you are, take it or leave it. And I can guarantee that you’re twice the man that any of the guys she’ll meet are.” Alex smiled.

“You flatter me, Alex,” Aaron said.

“That’s what I’m here for,” Alex sang. “I’m out of milk again… Can I borrow some of yours… again?”

“Fine.”

***
Theodosia was standing in front of the café they’d agreed to meet at, fiddling with her phone when she noticed Aaron approaching her.

“Hey,” Aaron greeted.

“Hey!” Theodosia said, hugging Aaron and planting a kiss on Aaron’s cheek. She was wearing a denim skirt with thigh high socks, high heels and a wavy white dress shirt. Her wild curly hair was down, and she had winged eyeliner and purple lipstick on. She smelled like apple juice and peach, something that Aaron loved about her. “Let’s go inside,” Theodosia urged. “You gotta try the smoothies here.”

Inside the café, the smell of freshly roasted coffee filled the air, which pleased Aaron. It was a small, hole-in-the-wall venue, with various pieces of pop art and vinyl records scattered across brick walls. The place was small, but usually had plenty of customers. Aaron and Theodosia ordered the same strawberry smoothie and headed towards a table. Most people who frequented the place were either students or writers with their MacBooks and a seemingly endless supply of coffee. Aaron wondered if any of them were secretely writing the next great American novel right under his nose. The music choice was interesting. Lots of late 90s- early 2000s ballads. It wasn’t too loud, either, which put Aaron at ease a little. He thought it was the perfect place where they could sit down and talk. Theodosia took note of this, as well as Aaron’s stiff and serious demeanor, but didn’t say anything. Aaron took a sip of his smoothie.

“This is good,” He mumbled. “Like, really good.”

“Told you,: Theodosia smiled, chuckling. “So, what do you need to tell me?”

“What?” Aaron asked.

“You clearly have something on your mind.” She stated. Despite her serious tone, she had a warm expression on her face.

“Gee, how do you know me so well?” Aaron laughed nervously.

“Alright, out with it. You’re either breaking up with me or you’ve got some dirty little secret.” She said. “So which is it?”

Aaron cleared his voice, taking another sip of his smoothie, before taking a deep breath. “Look, Theo, there’s something you need to know about me.”

“You aren’t dealing drugs, are you?” She joked.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Aaron chuckled, flashing her a devilish grin.

“My ex was like, an actual drug dealer so, yes, I would very much like to know,” She deadpanned.

“Wait, really? Damn.” Aaron said.

“Anyway, you haven’t answered my question.” Theo said, sipping on her drink.

“It’s… I don’t even know how to say this, but…” He paused. “Look, I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while now but I was scared of how you’d react. I’m…” He sighed, before continuing. “I’m transgender. I’m a trans man.”

Theodosia looked at him for a second before comprehending what he’d just said. She was silent, and a part of Aaron wanted to crawl out of his skin and run for the hills. “So that’s why you wouldn’t…” Her voice trailed off. That’s why he wouldn’t have sex with her. It was a pretty big point of contention between the two. Theodosia was very attracted to him, but whenever the time came for them to actually fuck, Aaron would turn her down with no explanation. Not that he needed one. At least, Theo had said as much. But he could tell that she’d been growing frustrated. Theodosia let out a resigned sigh. “You should’ve told me.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Look, if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I completely understand, I just…” His voice trailed off. He was searching for the right words, but he was at a loss. He’d gone over this exchange countless times in his head, but now that he was faced with the reality of it, he was stumbling on his words. Theodosia took his hand, squeezing it gently. She smiled at him as she scooted closer, pulling him into a hug.

“Aaron,” She whispered in his ear. “I really, really like you, and I want to be with you.” That was… Surprising. Aaron had definitely not expected that. A not so small part of him was scared that she’d react badly, that she’d completely freak out, start yelling slurs at him and tell him that she never wants to see him again.

“You’re serious?” He asked, incredulous. Then, Theodosia did something even more surprising. She leaned in and kissed him. It was a deep, passionate kiss, filled with longing and affection. It made Aaron feel butterflies in his stomach. He’d always found it silly when people described what it feels like to be in love that way. But that was exactly what he was feeling in that moment, for the first time in his life. He was in love with Theo. Knew it was too early to say it, that they hadn’t known each other for long enough. But he knew he’d fallen for her. Theo placed her palm on his cheek, gazing deeply into his eyes. “Deadass. This doesn’t change anything. You’re still Aaron, and I still lo-“ She stopped herself before she could finish that last word. Aaron felt his heart skip a beat. So Theo felt the same way about him. She’d almost let it slip out, but like Aaron, she knew it was too early. “I still like you a lot. ” She blushed.

“I like you too,” Aaron smiled.

“Thank you for telling me. I know this must be really hard for you.” Aaron nodded. Theo’s tone was almost matter-of-fact. “You know, you’re not the first trans person I’ve met.” She huffed. “Not even the first one I’ve been with. My ex, she… She came out to me when we were together. I tried to be there for her, but I’m straight, and,” she chuckled. “I knew it would mess her up if we kept dating, so I had to break it off.” Theodosia explained. Aaron was perplexed. He’d been prepared to have to explain what being trans even means in the first place, yet here was Theo, basically telling him that she’d probably known more trans people than he did. Aaron had been to support groups at a local LGBT center, but he hadn’t had the chance to really meet other people like him. He was glad to have Alex by his side, though, who sometimes seemed like he was more accepting of him than he was of himself. Aaron hadn’t even gone to Pride, although him and Alex did plan on going the following summer, since they were in New York.

“Wow,” Aaron said. “I didn’t expect that.” He breathed.

Theo hummed. “We’re still really good friends, though. She goes to NYU and I think she’s found someone new. Sometimes, I look through old pictures from when we were in high school and I don’t even recognize her, she looks so different now.” Theodosia said.

“That’s really cool.” Aaron smiled. He let out a happy sigh. Theo had accepted him. She hadn’t run off, wasn’t reluctant to continue dating him. She’d simply acknowledged who he was and moved on. “Hey, Theo?” He took her hands in his.

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad we got this out of the way.” He said, relief evident in his voice.

“Me too.” She kissed his forehead.

“Can we circle back to you dating a literal drug dealer, though?”

“That’s a conversation for another time.” Theo laughed. “Hey, you wanna head to my place?” She asked. “We could drink some wine and watch 90 Day Fiancé reruns.”

“Sounds good.” Aaron said.

“Let’s get an Uber, though, my feet are killing me.” She groaned.

“That’s your fault for adhering to patriarchal notions of womanhood,” He teased. Theodosia punched his shoulder lightly.

“Look who’s talking, mister ‘I shave my head and wear suits.”

“You know you love it” Aaron said playfully.

The ride to Theodosia’s apartment was quiet. They both sat in the back, Aaron put his hand around her shoulders, and she leaned into the touch. They looked out the window, taking in the sights of the city. They passed the Empire State Building, and Aaron couldn’t help but sigh. New York was truly breathtaking. He was glad he’d finally come out to Theo, thanking whatever gods were up there that it had gone well. He felt accepted, and so… loved. He couldn’t stop thinking about Theo almost slipping up and telling him that she loved him. Aaron figured she’d tell him when she was ready, just like he told her about himself when he’d felt ready. If there was anything Aaron was certain about, it was the fact that he definitely loved her back. For the first time in his life, he’d fallen in love, and it felt liberating. He’d never thought there would be someone like Theo who would want him, who would like him for him and nothing else. But there she was, with her head on his shoulder. There she was, getting out of the car and leading him to her apartment. Laughing at his silly jokes, making fun of bad reality shows with him, gushing about her favorite authors and the books she’d recently preordered, offering to lend him some of her favorite titles, goofing around with his tie. Aaron leaned in and kissed her. He unbuttoned her shirt, nipping and biting at her neck. “Is this okay?” He whispered. She nodded, so he continued, leaving a hickey on her neck. She let out a loud moan as he pushed her down on the couch, taking off her bra and lightly touching her breasts. Her hand inched down to his crotch, and he froze, pulling away.

“Are you okay?” She asked as she got up, her breath still heavy. Aaron nodded, but she wasn’t convinced. “Look, we don’t have to do this if you’re uncomfortable. I don’t want to make you dysphoric.” Aaron wondered what he’d done to deserve someone so considerate.

“No, it’s okay, I just…” Aaron sighed. “I…” his voice trailed off. He was a virgin. He’d been too dysphoric to have sex before he started T, and afterwards, despite his increased sex drive, he could never feel comfortable enough with someone to let it get there. Had been terrified by the prospect of having to come out.

Luckily, Theo didn’t seem to mind that. “Is this your first time?” She asked softly. He nodded. Theo placed a hand on Aaron’s cheek. “Do you wanna go on?”

“Yeah,” He whispered. She unbuttoned his shirt, exposing his binder.

“You can leave it on if you need to,” She whispered, and Aaron silently thanked her for offering that suggestion. This time it was her who pushed him down on the couch, kissing him and roaming his body with her hands.

***
“God, I’ve been wanting to do that for so long,” Theo said, still panting.

“It was great,” He smiled.

“I’m flattered that I was your first.” She chuckled, kissing Aaron’s forehead. “Aaron, can I tell you something?” She asked.

“Of course,” He said.

“I think I…” She trailed off. “I love you,” Theo whispered

“I love you too.” Aaron replied. He embraced her, holding her as close as he possibly could. He couldn’t help but smile like an idiot. He’d finally found someone good for him, and he’d just had sex for the first time. It was still hard to wrap his head around that. He pondered it as he stroked Theo’s hair, until they both fell asleep.