Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

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— Professor?

God, what now? Couldn't he eat in peace? First Jeff with his existential crisis, then Chang entered the cafeteria, now some student probably wanted to ask him some stupid thing about a class he couldn't care less about. Reluctantly he looked up, ready to half answer anything he was going to get asked as fast as he could so he could finally have his breakfast at lunchtime. But the very second he saw her face his mind went blank. He couldn't care less about his empty stomach, his killing headache, or the rest of the world.

Her plump lips, sun-kissed skin, and brown wavy hair made his eyes unable to focus on one thing, he wanted to take it all in at once but take an eternity contemplating each of her features. So he focused on his most captivating one, her inquisitive light brown eyes. She had small wrinkles on each side of her eyes and on the right side of her mouth, the one that is gained from laughing and smiling.

He stayed silent for a second, as he tried to remember how to talk, she smiled a little more, the confused look on his face was amusing and quite endearing. He looked a bit like a deer between headlights, including his big brown eyes filled with confusion and panic — Yeah? — he finally said, apparently recovering some cognitive notions.

— Can I sit? — he couldn't understand much past pretty girl wants to sit with me and the alcohol and the headache weren't helping so he just nodded, trying to remind himself that she was probably a student.

She took a seat in front of him, and he found that the smile still lingering on her mouth made him even more stupid when it was up close — I'm in anthropology 101 but I wasn't able to attend class today, — how hadn't he noticed her on the first class? She looked so unmissable to him, like a spot of red wine on a white shirt — I was wondering if I missed anything important.

What was he supposed to say to the pretty girl? Well you didn't miss anything at all, I just pretended to be an anesthesiology teacher just to look at a hot girl who came into the wrong class. He couldn't tell that to the pretty girl, he had to make the pretty girl think he was a mediocre teacher at the very least. He tried to remember anything useful about anthropology to make up his second fake lesson of the day.

— Well, we talked about... — he remembered the little conversation they had — death, and how... people- cultures deal with It. — she nodded, attentive — So you know, religions, personal beliefs.

She promptly asked — Is that in the book?

— Oh, no, I don't have it. — he panicked for a fraction of a second. 'Would a more than mediocre professor have it?' He wondered. But his brain stopped his soon-to-be self-deprecating rant to a halt when she smiled and he relaxed.

— Me neither, it's way too expensive. — he smiled, she found his choice relatable and charming, to some extent, he was sure of it, even if he didn't know exactly why.

They stayed smiling at each other for a second before he had to continue with the conversation — Is there any other question I can answer? — never in a million years he would've said that -and meant it- to another student, but Pretty Girl had something he couldn't resist.

— Oh. Yeah, what's that drink? — she said, pointing at the cold, coffee-based, cream-filled drink standing on the table right next to his left hand.

He looked at It, trying to remember the name of that monstrosity they called drink — This is a... whipped coffee frap with a lot of cream.

— Is it any good? — she asked, slightly raising an eyebrow, smile still in place. Would she ever stop smiling? He didn't care if she didn't, not only that, he hoped she would never stop, much less at him.

— Do you want to taste it? — he froze. Why had he said that? Was it out of line? He looked at her fearing rejection or worse. He, for the first time in a while, didn't mean it with second intentions or anything like that, it was just an impulse to let her taste the stupid drink.

— Sure. — she assured as if it was nothing out of the ordinary. Ian grabbed the plastic cup and extend it to her, thinking she would grab the cup, drink some and give it back. Instead, she grabbed the top of the straw that was in the drink and drank some from there as he held the cup. Somehow there was something more intimate and so much more titillating in that interaction. Something about her hand grabbing the straw so delicately as his hands held the cup near her and her red-tinted lips slowly sucked from the straw he had just drank from and which he would use again, there was something about all that that tugged a small string inside of him.

She then let go of the straw and the moment was over, but her smile was still there — Thank you. — a small yet unmissable flush caressed her cheeks. Was she flushed by her own actions or his persistent gaze? He couldn't tell — It's really good- and sweet.

— Yeah. — he agreed — quite sweet. — he wondered if her lips would taste like that drink now, so sweet and soft. And she wondered the same about his, just for a fraction of a second, but she still thought of it and she reprimanded herself for it with strong words whispered in her head. And, as she did, her smile disappeared from her lips. It caught him by surprise, her smile leaving like that, leaving him all alone in the middle of nowhere, like his guiding lighthouse shutting down on a stormy night as his ship drifted in the dark.

He didn't mean to feel it like that, but he couldn't help it. He didn't receive such delightful smiles very often. He didn't really receive smiles. So, without even knowing, this woman was just giving him something he hadn't gotten in so long. And, now that it was gone, he wanted it back. — Is everything alright? — he asked, surprising himself yet again. He felt like a moron. He shouldn't care, he never did before. He was becoming an absolute idiot. He barely knew her, he shouldn't think of her as a pretty girl she should be just hot, not a lighthouse guiding him but some nice tits to look at..

— Yeah, — she smiled again and his heart rested, even if he didn't want it to — I just have class.

— Oh, sure. — he said, a bit disappointed as she stood up — I hope I was of some assistance.

— You have been, Professor Duncan. — she was about to leave but he stopped her for a second.

— Pardon me but I don't believe I got your name. — he said, just to look and hear her some more.

— Oh, it's Ale. — she shook her head and repaired — Alex.

— Nice to meet you, Alex. — he extended his hand to hers. Maybe it was just an unintentional excuse to touch her, he thought.

She smiled one last time, grabbing his hand and shaking it firmly — Nice to meet you too, professor. — he watched her as she walked away, hoping she wouldn't turn around and saw him staring.

The day and a half that passed between that moment and the next class couldn't have passed fast enough.

She was nowhere to be found as he entered the class, he was somewhat sober, he just had a quick drink or two to drown his nerves. Nerves of what? He wasn't ready to admit it, even if he knew damn well it was about seeing the pretty girl and having to teach something to her. The class hadn't started yet, but he was there, early, probably for the first time in the history of Greendale.

Then, as the clock marked ten o'clock and everyone was starting to settle into their sits, Alex slowly walked through the door. She looked at him with a soft half-smile, maybe wondering 'Am I on time?'. She stood there, a few feet from him, holding her notebooks in one hand and a cold drink in the other, apparently waiting for some sing to seat down so he complied — Alex, right on time. — he noted with some joy behind his words — Would you mind closing the door?

She did as she was asked and closed the door with her elbow, given both of her hands were busy, then he noted the drink in her hand wasn't just any drink but the one he had the week before, the one she had asked about. He thought about commenting on it. Is it any good? Sweet as mine? Interesting choice of beverage, Alex. God no. He decided not to but his eyes were still on the cup and she noted.

— As sweet as advertised. — she said with a cheeky smile, playing him an ambush in his own mind. He looked up to her face and felt word escape his mind as she extended the cup to him — Want some?

He nodded slowly. Why say yes? Saying no was so much easier. But he would be lying if he had said he didn't know why he had said yes. He thought of doing what she had done the week before, just taking the straw and drinking from there as she held the cup, but he was sure it wouldn't even be half as sexy as she had made it to be. Instead, he gently grabbed the cup, took a couple of sips, and gave it back to her, his hands shaking slightly in the process, maybe it was the alcohol maybe it was her fingertips caressing the back of his hand — Thanks.

She gave him an light smile, clearly meaning "it's nothing".

He watched her walk to her seat, and found himself a little dazzled when she sat down, he had to look away so she wouldn't catch him staring, but instead, he caught Jeff staring at him, one raised eyebrow and a smug look on his face, he knew something was up, no question about it. Lucky for him the rest of the class was completely in their own worlds, paying no attention to him, even Alex, who was talking to Abed. He wished to know what they were talking so energetically about.

He shook his head of those thoughts and tried to remember some of the things he had read about anthropology the night before at three in the morning. Luckily he had some notes to help him through the class. He took those papers out and cleared his throat, calling for everyone's attention — Hello. So today we're gonna do things. — there was a general disgruntled hum from the class — I know, I hate it, too. — he unconsciously looked at Alex to see her reaction, which was similar to a smile but less enthusiastic — Any-who. — he looked at his notes and read — Anthropology is the study of mankind -as we've said before-. — he said as he wrote "ANTHROPOLOGY" on the chalkboard — This science was divided into two branches of itself, the Social Anthropology and Cultural Anthropology. — he drew two arrows under the first word and wrote the other two below — So, today, we're going to... define them and add things about mankind we think would be studied by them. I open this to the floor. — he said as he walked in front of his desk and then leaned on it, almost toppling over a desk lamp in the process. Still, for a few seconds, which he took to look at Alex since she was writing things down, still no one answered — I'm not asking the complete number of pi. — the brunette of Jeff's group raised her hand and he pointed at her — Yeah, you.

— Cultural Anthropology is the study of humankind's culture and its changing, while Social Anthropology is about social structures.

— See? Thank you. — he looked at the rest of the room only thinking of how much he hated this subject — Not that difficult now, was it? — he added — Now- — a knock at the door interrupted him. He sighted — Come in.

The dean opened the door — Hello. I was just passing by, remindean everyone that the school flag contest ends today, — he looked around the room — everyone has until six to submit their design, anonymously. — Duncan looked at him waiting for anything else but he just stayed there for a moment, his hand in the doorknob as he nodded slightly — That was all. — he said before leaving the classroom.

— That was... pointless. — Duncan said to himself, earning a nod of agreement from a few students.

— Can we do the flags instead? — asked Troy.

Ian looked at him, his first instinct was to say no, but then he thought about it and nodded— Yeah, it's not like I know what the hell I'm talking about here.

Duncan sat down as everyone distracted themselves with anything they had at hand, only Jeff's group going to one table to laugh as they made some stupid flag. Ian wished he hadn't drunk the nice bottle of whisky he usually carried in his suitcase before class, but he had, and it left him with no other choice but to drink the cheap vodka in his "emergency" flask. Having nothing else to do -besides grading some physiology papers he wasn't going to grade- he put his feet up on his desk and drank some as the class run its own course, looking at Alex ever so often while she was reading. She was perfect, she seemed to be at least, so he gave up the wishful idea of dating her and console himself with the fact that he could look at her pretty face twice a week even if they probably wouldn't have another conversation for the rest of the year.

When he looked again she was standing up and going his way. He kicked his feet off the desk and straightened up a little. She stopped in front of his desk and smiled before speaking — Professor, I was wondering if I could have your e-mail?

She left him dumbfounded and, unable to formulate any questions, so he nodded, stuttering — I- ah- Yeah. Yes. Sure.

Chapter Text

“Did u see the flags?” She smiled at the text, remembering the various borderline obscene and very stupid designs for the new Greendale flag. Most were made for laughs and there were two or three that looked like they had some drug induced effort in it.

She put the phone down for a second, leaving her phone on her tray and preparing to pay for her breakfast.

As she walked away she grabbed the cellphone again and typed “God, yes. I'm voting for the butt one” she sat down in an empty table and drank some water.

Her phone buzzed on the table “Where there any non-butt 1s?” she laughed and covered her mouth to prevent spitting some water on the table. She swallowed the water and tried to calm herself after coughing for a little while.

She started typing “Fair. I meant the butt hole. The one with Latin” she send the message and followed it up with “Very classy and I very much doubt the dean will realize what it is before declaring it the flag” she left her cellphone on the table and continued eating while reading her notes from the her History 102 class and trying not to think about the fact that he hadn't replied for about twenty minutes. He was busy, most likely, and even if he wasn't, why should she care? Exactly, she shouldn't. Even if it made her feel strangely content when she was talking to him, even if he made her laugh like almost no one else could.

God, why did she had to feel like that? Sure the fact that she hadn't been in any sort of relationship for over two years made her more prone to feel those stupid thing for any idiot walking her way, but she refused to feel like that, or at least she tried to. And she thought she could manage but then, as she was tidying everything up to go to her second class of the day, her cellphone vibrated twice, making her smile to the idea of who was texting.

She was gonna take her cellphone and reply but she stopped herself. She wouldn't answer now, she would wait until the end of the class. And as she promised herself that, she started walking to her classroom.

She took a seat on an empty space, leaving her backpack on the table, and waited. And then she waited some more. And a little more. And then, as the clock marked the teacher's twelve minutes delay, she gave in and went to her messages.

“Good choice. He probably won't” read the first message. He was an awful texter, using abbreviation left and right, sometimes using numbers, missing letters and, on occasion, outright words. But at the very least he mildly punctuated his phrases “However, I prefr the 1 with d dangling penis b-hind the green apple and the thunder” it was ungodly but somehow she didn't mind, even if she very much did.

“Oh yeah, a true masterpiece that one. Very symbolic” she typed quickly and hit send with a stupid smile on her face.

As she waited for him to reply the teacher calmly entered the room — Good morning everyone. Sorry I'm late. — he left his belongings on the desk and started to look for something, but she wasn't focusing on him, she was reading the message Duncan had just send her.

“A gr-8 homage to what greendale is”

She laughed quietly and replied “Sums it up pretty simply. Stupid and ridiculous”

She realized that the professor had started talking for a while, so she tried to pay some attention, at least until she received a response that simple read “And pointless”

She smiled “Yes, very pointless”

“Any 2nd favorite?” He replied.

She thought about it and was about to say a few things about a couple of flags that had caught her eye but she realized she would end up texting him trough the entire class, so she put her phone in her backpack and tried to pay attention to the teacher.

It wasn't weird was it? Texting at teacher outside the curriculum? They were both very much adults and they were just chatting, grown up people who were friendly to each other, nothing wrong about that. Not that there would be anything wrong if there were something else than friends. Not that she was planning on it, it was just a thought. A dumb thought that had already found it's way to her bedtime daydreaming once or twice. It wasn't like she trying to think of him, he had just appeared there and she fell asleep faster.

She realized she was getting distracted again so she took a deep breath and focused on the task at hand. Lucky for her she liked biology and she was good at it so the class went by fairly easily.

She wrote the chapters the teacher said to read for the next class and then left the room, going to her locker to leave the books she had been carrying around all morning.

Since Duncan had taken upon teaching Anthropology her timetable had slightly changed. Now, instead of having Anthropology 101 right after Biology 102, she had four free hours in between. I had been signed off by the dean since it didn't bother any of the students in that class and it didn't overlap with Duncan's timetable. So now she had enough time to go back home and make lunch. Which meant she now had to pick up her nephew from school, do some chores and take care of her nephew before her brother picked him up before she had to get back in time to take the class.

She sighted and gathered the energy to do all that. Not short after she was waiting the bus and, out of boredom, got her phone out of her pocket, reading Duncan's text one more time.

She typed “If I had to choose another one it would be a tie between the smelly butt and the stick figure with the green explosion” she hit send and looked ahead, hoping to see the bus, it still wasn't there. She checked the time, it was a couple of minutes late, nothing to worry about.

Her phone rang shortly “The smelly butt?” Ian asked

“Yeah.” She typed, but she but the task on hold when she saw the bus nearing the stop. She hailed for it and got on as it stopped in from of her. When she sat down she started typing again “The one that almost looks like a sunrise over two hills” she sent and almost immediately got a response.

“I thought those wr boobs”

She laughed at the text.

“And what would the lines be then?” she asked, not picturing any interpretation other than the smell.

She observed the paved road and planted trees as she waited for a message, which she got after a few minutes

“A thing to show how gr-8 they r” he explained, bringing a lopsided smile to her face. And he followed it with “like a diamond cartoon”

Still smiling, she lifted a eyebrow while typing “Really?” She would often do that, doing facial expression as if she were talking. This time it took Ian about ten minutes to answer, which she occupied with some music, still she had to get off the bus before she was able to read it so, on the risk of getting mugged, she held back her impulses and promised to wait until she got home to answer the message, which took long since she had to pick up her nephew from school. She got home and she had started cooking lunch when she remembered the text.

“Yes” he said and then questioned “How can they b smelly lines? they arent wavy”

She flipped the chicken breast on the grill and stirred the vegetables on the pot before she texted him back

“Fair”. She sent, following with “But where are the nipples then? They could've put houses or trees but it doesn't have any. Hence a butt”

She put down the phone before calling for her nephew — Eric! — the nine year old showed up as she was carrying the silverware for the table — Can you tell granny that lunch is ready?

— Yeah! — the kid screamed before running off to the bedroom, leaving her smiling as she was setting the table. She went back to the kitchenette and took the vegetables off the pot. The kid showed up again with a big smile on his face — She says she's coming.

— Thank you. — she put the chicken on a plate — Now, go wash your hands, okay?

The kid did as he was told and she set the food, condiments and beverage to the table right before her mother got to the table — Hi.

— Hey, mom. — she gave her a smiled by reflex at her before sitting down — How was your day?

— It was ok. — her mom said as she grabbed the water bottle and pouring some for everyone — How about yours?

— Fine. I wasn't able to shop for groceries yet, I'll do it later today.

— Alright. —the elder woman said as she sat down — Is Franco eating here tonight?

— I don't think so, ma. — she took her mother's plate and gave her a serving before giving it back — He'll probably come pick up Eric and go home.

Eric came from the bathroom and stood In front of Alex, showing her his washer hands — Clean!

She playfully inspected them, looking at him with a fake suspicious look and nodding slowly — Alright.

They ate mostly in silence after that, only listening to Eric talk about school, his dog and the movie he went to see with his father. After eating, Alex did the dishes and her mom went to watch TV upstairs, leaving her to help little Eric with is English and Math homework, which she did as she cleaned around the house, sweeping, dusting, explaining multiplication and the correct use of the past tense.

Once she was done with both tasks she grabbed a sweet treat to share with her nephew as they watched some cartoons. She saw her cellphone and remembered the unanswered text she had.

“Still, the lines...”

She thought back to the flag, maybe Duncan was slightly right.
“Maybe it's showing a great butt instead of a smelly one” she wrote, smiling at the stupidity of the conversation.

She left the phone on the coffee table to ease the complains of her nephew about her not paying attention to the cartoon. After the show was done and both her and Eric had a juice box, while watching stupid videos on the internet with the kid, she got a call from her brother. She picked up, annoyed on his tardiness.

— Franco, where are you? — she complained without sparing a hello.

— Alright, calm down. I'm getting there. I'll be there in 20 minutes, half an hour tops. — she groaned, she knew the class wasn't that serious or anything, but it was nice to go there even if she learned nothing, she had a nice time and felt like she was being productive, even if she wasn't.

— C'mon, you can't do this to me, next bus leaves in ten minutes, I have a class. — she almost begged.

— Then take the next one. — he said as if she hadn't thought of it.

— The next one comes forty five minutes later, idiot. — she said irritated at his I-know-better attitude even when he didn't know shit.

— Okay. — he thought for a second before saying — I'll- I'll take you to class, then. Just be ready when I get there. Alright?

She nodded to herself pleased with the result — Yeah, alright. Bye.

— Bye. — she heard him say before hanging up. She sighted and looked at her nephew — Your dad's running late.

— Oh. Okay. — the kid said before going back to look at the computer. She found it amusing and ruffled the kid's hair before standing up and going to the backyard. She took the box of cigarettes off her hiding place and lit one up, relaxing into the wall as he exhaled the smoke. She grabbed her cellphone and went to the messages.

Duncan had already replied “I don't think so” once again writing a full sentence in actual English, without the barely needed and nonsensical abbreviations he usually used.

She lifted one of her eyebrows as she smiled and asked him “Have you seen the picture?” before taking another drag from the tobacco. She kept her phone in her hand as she waited, leaning against the wall and smoking to relax a bit. Soon the phone vibrated in her hand and, before she could look at it it, did it a second time. She opened it seeing a message from his brother beside the customary one from Duncan.

The one from his brother just read “There in 10” she didn't bothered to answer it. She took another drag from her cigarette before opening Duncan's message.

She smiled at his response “I have. Those r boobs”

She just sent “You're dead wrong” before smoking the last bit of her cigarette and leaving her cellphone on her back pocket. She went inside the house and grabbed her nephew's backpack, leaving it near the door — Eric, sweetie, can you put on your shoes and get ready to leave? Your dad will be here soon. — she said going towards her mom's room to check on her. She opened the door seeing her mom's grey hair stick out the covers as she slept peacefully, Alex closed the door and went back to the living room, helping the kid tie his shoelaces. Soon after they were both outside the house and getting into her brother's car — Hi. — she said, after helping Eric fasten his seatbelt.

— Hi. — he said back before starting the car and driving off to her college.

They didn't speak beyond Eric's homework and some small talk about her studies, his work or the weather. They hadn't much to say and they didn't really know eachother, and even thought sometimes they would have some sort of sibling bickering most of the time they were a little disconnected from eachother and they had never done te effort to connect.

She felt her phone vibrate in her back pocket and grabbed, seeing the expected response from Duncan
“I am? r u the the creator of this masterpiece? do u know its orignal in-10th?” She snorted shortly at the text, but was mostly amused for his spelling -if one could call it that- of intent. He was unbelievable.

“Maybe I am” she teased, following it up with another text saying “Thank you for appreciating my work even if you didn't understand it right”

— Should I park? — Alex looked up from her phone at the voice of her brother, seeing Greendale's front entrance half a block away from them.

— No, you can stop there, it's alright. — she assures before checking the time on her cellphone, seeing the class probably had already started but she wasn't tragically late. Just before she had put it away she got another message from Duncan.

“Most of d class dsnt think the same” she felt a bit shocked, he was discussing it with the class?

“What?” she sent right as his brother stopped the car. She took her eyes off her cellphone to look at her nephew, who was clearly falling asleep — See you tomorrow kid. — to witch he answered a sleepy goodbye that made her heart melt. She looked at her brother with a sincere but quick smile — Thanks for dropping me off. — she said before stepping off the car.

— No problem. — she heard him say as she started walking to Duncan's class.

She felt her cellphone vibrate again and looked at the text.

“Come by and d-fend yr point”

Oh, she would.

After debating through the entire time, Troy, Vicky, Abed and her finally convinced Duncan and Star-burns that it was a butt and not boobs. The rest of the class didn't care enough to argue for either side so they just watched amused or slept through it.

Already defeated, Duncan checked his watch and dismissed the class, she started to put her things on her backpack when she noted him looking at her. She smiled mockingly triumphant at Duncan as she walked towards him. He gave her a lopsided smile, accepting defeat yet letting her tease him about it, maybe even wanting her to — Told you.— she said, stopping right by his desk, the very one he was standing behind of.

— Don't let it get to your head.

Chapter Text

He had been showing videos for the entire class and it had all started with Alex e-maling him the link to a dumb video the day before with the subject "Something to study. Definitely says a lot about humanity" The same excuse he had given Annie weeks prior when they were discussing the flags for Greendale -Humans made them Annie, they're part of mankind's history now!-, which was a stupid excuse but fairly good at the same time. He had found it hilarious and sent him a different video back with the assurance that "defin-8-ly worth studying. Who d hell thought that was a good idea?" Which was fair to say. Who would think jumping from the roof of a two stories house to a pool, all in a bike, wasn't gonna end terribly? Well, two idiots from South Dakota, that's who.

She didn't reply but he didn't worry, the video was pretty funny and she was probably busy. He did, however, filled out a request to use the projector the next day, he was lucky it wasn't being requested by anyone else so he got it. So, there he was, finishing up the class with one last video of a cat playing the piano featuring god of farts, remix. All because of one email she had sent the night before at a quarter past eleven.

The class stood up as he struggled to take the projector, computer and little gray table to the back of the room, seeing particular danger on dropping the machine to the floor every time he tried to lift it over the each step. He left the table on the ground and lifted his arms in complaint — Jeffrey, a little help? — She, not even three feet away from her seat, looked at him and then at Jeffrey, seeing Winger give Duncan a fake sorry-can't-do smile as he shrugged his shoulders and walked through the door. She looked back at Duncan and smiled with endearment at the disbelief plastered on his face.

She turned around and walked through the classroom to stand on the other side of that grey table, leaving her backpack by her feet and then smiling softly at the British man standing by the other side of it with a dumbfounded look on his face. A beat went by when he didn't react at all, so she lifted her side of the table, looking at him a bit amused — C'mon. — he imitated her movements and carefully lifted the table with the computer and projector all the way to the back of the classroom as everyone emptied it out.

— Thank you very much. — he said as they left the table on the floor. It was still a bit weird, they talked all the time via messages, they were friends, but even if they saw each other at least twice a week it was strangely unusual to be this alone with each other. They hadn't spend all that time one on one, only talking in person a few times in the hallway after class. And maybe it was a bit more weird because they were in an empty classroom, he was touching her arm ever so softly and so briefly, not to mention there was an obvious smell of alcohol in his breath. She refused to admit it to herself but she blushed lightly at the touch and the kind way he was talking to her, and maybe, just maybe, she had noted the way he was looking at her lips.

— It's nothing. — she assured. There was a natural good mood on both of them, not only because they were talking to each other -which, they had both realized, put them in a good mood- but also because they had spent 90 minutes watching stupid videos on the internet, and that really didn't just ruin anybody's mood. She went to the place were she had left her backpack and Ian followed suit, at a cautious distance, trying not to step into her personal space, but hopelessly looking at her body and the way she moved so carefree and delicately. She felt comfortable in her body, or at least she appeared to be. Her movements weren't retracted or shy but they weren't dominant per se.

She stood still, slightly leaning on her right leg as she checked something on her phone. He couldn't help to notice her body and it's curves, he tried not to do it often, he felt kind of bad whenever he did it. Whenever he looked at her like that, it felt like he was somehow betraying her trust. They were friends now. At least he thought so. They had been talking for a few weeks and he felt like they were becoming friends. So, when he talked to her, he'd try not to flirt, stare or think of her like he would usually do about a woman he was sexually interested in. He had realized he had a little bit of a Madonna/whore complex. Still, he couldn't help it when he would wake up with a erection in the morning and the vague memory of his dream and how Alex's lips felt rapped around his cock in them. And what was he to do but get off to the thoughts and ideas of every thing he would do to her and every pace, position and place he would do it in? And He could've sworn it felt so much to think of her than to think of anyone else.

He didn't mean anything by it. They were fantasies and he assured himself wasn't delusional to the point of thinking they would come true, he just liked the idea. It was a wish he professed to the night not hoping much of it. However, in the morning, when they were just talking as friends, he pushed those ideas as far away as he could. But, sometimes it was harder, sometimes, like that time, his body would grow hot at the faint memory of that night's dream, making it so hard for him to compartmentalize his ideas towards her. Unable to leave in the night what belonged in the night, he'd remember how his brain thought she would sound moaning, how her back would arch at his touch, how her eyes would flutter shut as he went deeper inside her, how her skin would feel against his own, how her lips would taste and how her eyes would look at him as she told him she loved him.

His thoughts stopped and his blood rushed to his feet; that was new.

His fantasies never included things like that, they didn't include feelings, much less love, they were sexual in nature and far-fetched in concept, they were the escapades of a lonely man.

He would have to think the implications of his thoughts and fantasies later because right then, the apparently new found object of his affection, was standing in font of him, letting him see in her side profile that she was very annoyed about something on her phone. He slightly frowned and asked — What's wrong? — she looked at him, both inadvertently letting their faces relax.

— Oh, — she smiled and started walking towards the door as she was talking, apparently now in a hallway conversation with him — nothing; my brother is being an idiot. — he looked at her with interest, letting her know he would listen if she wanted to tell him. Surprisingly, it was true, he wasn't trying to get in her pants by feign interest, he actually cared to know why was her brother being an idiot and wanted to help — He's trying to guilt trip me into babysitting his kid. — as he nodded, seeing how that could be annoying, he realized they were reaching the cafeteria. Still, she felt the need to clarify — Don't get me wrong. I love the kid, and I take care of him almost everyday but he wants me to miss a class and I don't want to do that.

— Why not? — he asked, used to ask those sort of questions on therapy to get the full picture and the reasoning of the patient. Of course, she wasn't a patient but it was a force of habit and it worked wonders to get to know someone. Not that he ever really used it.

She stayed quiet for a moment, apparently thinking about it. Duncan realized that she looked even prettier when she was serious and thinking. He considered the idea of making the class take an exam the next week just to see her think for an hour, maybe, if he was lucky, she would even bite her lip or pen like she had done a couple of times before. At that moment he also realized that he wasn't as great at compartmentalizing as he had thought — I guess they don't take my studies seriously, — she finally said as they walked through the cafeteria to get in queue for lunch — and maybe they aren't, everyone knows this school it's mostly trash, but they're mine, and sometimes they are the only thing that is mine. — he nodded as she looked at him, both grabbing a plate to get some food — It's not like I haven't given it up before but you gotta draw the line somewhere, right?

He was mesmerized, she wasn't selfish but she wasn't a pushover either, she was realistic but seemed hopeful. He closed his eyes briefly, he shouldn't idealize her — Yeah. It's understandable, you don't owe them anything, especially if it's at your spend. — he hoped she knew he wasn't just agreeing with her to please her but that he actually agreed with her.

— Exactly. — she said before giving the lunch lady her plate asking for some pasta and veggies and then grabbing a water bottle, he asked for almost the same but with a little more pasta and a soda instead. She was already about to pay for her lunch when she asked on impulse  for a few Twizzlers — To share. — she explained to him with a sweet smile, making him light up to the understanding that they were having lunch together.

— Sure. — he nodded with a lopsided smile.

Chapter Text

She never stayed late at the campus, not this late at least. It was at least half past six and they had just finished putting the lights on for the last scene of Abed's movie. Or maybe it was the first one, or both. She wouldn't have stayed to help if it wasn't that Abed had asked her. Of course, the fact that everyone was talking about it, spraying rumors and starting urban legends about it made her want to be there even more. If it was as amazing as everyone was saying she had to see it with her own two eyes.

And some of it was amazing, like how deep in character Abed was or how much everyone was collaborating and how convinced they were that it was a masterpiece. She reserved her opinion, mainly because everyone at the AV class was idolizing Abed and she thought of him as a friend so she wouldn't want to be the one to point out that the movie made no sense; besides it was nice that everyone was so excited about the same thing.

As part of the small group of movie geeks and the audiovisual class she was also -almost automatically- part of the AV club. To be there was part of her -nonbinding- duty to help the other members.

When Abed sat down to see the raw cut of the movie she went to the back of the room to get some air, standing next to the cafeteria door checking the time to see how long she could stay. She had couple of hours until the last bus that would drop her near home would pass by. She sighted, wishing she had some more liberty with her transportation. Sadly, she couldn't, she was a terrible a driver.

She stayed there, toying with the small silver pendant of her necklace as she watched Abed react to his movie, it wasn't good. She felt bad but there wasn't much she could do. Slowly, the door next to her opened, showing a curious Duncan behind it. She smiled when she recognized his side profile. He closed the door and she cleared her throat — Cast and crew only. — she joked. He turned around slightly startled and then relaxed, giving out a smile with a silent chuckle.

She smiled a bit more, those dammed dimples he had that made him look stupidly cute had affected her more than she would've liked to admit.

— Hey. — he finally said before leaning on the free space on the wall beside her — So what are you, cast or crew?

— Crew. — she scoffed — You don't wanna see this — she pointed to her entire self — in front of a camera.

His eyes scanned her quickly as he became strangely serious but leaving some levity to it — Now, why wouldn't I?

They were already looking at each other but his comment made her feel giddy and grin like an idiot. She was able to control it, shaking her head to control her smile and light blush, but she wasn't able to look at him in the eye just yet. Still, she spoke looking at his feet for a moment  — So, what are you doing here anyways?

He sighted softly as he leaned backwards against the wall. She looked at him as the tedious reality settled back into his chest — Grading papers, drinking, avoiding going home. — he looked at the scene taking place about thirty feet from them, missing the way she was looking at him as the dim light graced the side of his face — Seeing the spectacle. — he added and she looked at it too. Everyone was still quiet, looking at Abed as he watched the computer with Starburns. She looked at Abed's mild expression of discomfort and sadness that his eyes carried, he didn't like what he was seeing. Maybe that meant that it would be over soon or it wouldn't be over for a long, long time.

She stopped looking at Abed the moment she felt Duncan's eyes on her — Nice combo. — she gave him a teasing, lopsided smile.

They stayed quiet for a moment as they both became aware of how close they were to the other. It was a big wall they were leaning against but their arms were managing brush against each other. She let it happen, feeling a small tingle of electricity go through her body every time, which made her feel kind of stupid since it was just the sleeve of his shirt that was touching her skin. Still, she absentmindedly got closer to him, to his light brush and the electricity and fire it provoked inside her, and he noted it but he assured himself it was the alcohol that was confusing him, that he was imagining it.

She thought she had seen Abed walk out of the set but she wasn't going to check twice, she didn't want to look away from his beautiful brown eyes.

She saw him scan her features slowly, lingering on her lips before rushing back to her eyes — So, do you have to stay long? — he asked, suddenly fueled by the wish to have her alone for him to talk, hear and see. There was enough of her beauty to share with the entire world, he was sure if it, but he was selfish and there wasn't much beauty in his life, he wanted to have as much for himself as he could get.

She gave him yet sly smile, knowing- hoping to know what he was thinking. Excitement rushed from her belly to the rest of her body as he looked at her lips for a moment and smiled back — I don't know, depends on what Abed decides to do. — she said, more to remind herself that she couldn't just get up and go, she had to stay — I'm help with the lights, I kind of have to stay here until they're done with the scene. — she said, slightly lamenting her previous compromise. Her eyes darted around his face for a few moments, seeing his soft lips curb ever so slightly as she glanced at them and seeing his eyes glimmer when she went back to them, softly asking — Why?

He smiled just a bit more, pleased she was interested. He wondered if it was too sudden to offer a little bit of slap and tickle. He decided against it, fearing she would pull back by an upfront proposal. He chose to play it subtle for once — Because I still have some of that wine I was talking about today and I was just about to watch some more videos in the classroom; and, to be honest, I wouldn't mind the help moving the projector again.

Her eyebrows shot up a little as she teased him — So you need my help.

His eyes darted between hers before looking away — Well, need is a strong word. — she laughed softly while looking at the floor before shoving him lightly with her elbow. He laughed a little with her, she had realized that morning that she liked that sound — Let's say I'd... appreciate it.

There was something in the way he said it that made her shiver just a little bit. She wasn't sure what it was. Maybe it was the pause, the subtle implications, the low tone he used or his accent, probably a combination of the four, but it made her feel giddy and excited.

But there was something that was unsettling her. It wasn't her usual tension. It wasn't the typical 'I wish you would touch me' electricity, there was something more to all of it, because she wasn't supposed to feel giddy and excited, she wasn't supposed to blush, smile and giggle, but she did and there seemed to be no turning back. She had missed the feeling and liked it too much to give it up.

She tried to chase away those doubts and came back to the teasing game — Well, in that case I might just do it. — she smiled — I just need to- — she stopped halfway through her words the second the lights went out, jumping a little closer to him by reflex. She felt the palm of his hand turn towards her and rest on her forearm, it made her feel grounded as her eyes tried to adjust to the weak light that was left.

She saw a familiar figure walk to the computer before swinging a bat against it, Ian grabbed her a bit tighter when the smashing sound reached them — What the fuck? — he murmured as the figure moved to the camera — Should we- go? — he asked her as the person, who appeared to be Shirley, took a swing at the camera.

She nodded — Yeah, let's go. — quickly, he led her through the doors. He held her hand as they started running through the corridors, there was no reason to run or to hold hands but they did it anyway. They stopped running and started laughing at what had just happened as they reached his office.

— What the hell was that? — she laughed out as they entered the small room.

Ian shook his head as he closed the door and turned around to see her — I've got no idea. — he smiled and then laughed with her for a little while. He clasped his hands together and rubbed them before saying — So, how about that wine?

— Sure. — she nodded as she checked the time on her phone — I've got time

Chapter Text

— Oh, that must've hurt! — Ian laughed out at the screen and she laughed with him. He was right, those crappy bloopers and whatnot were funnier to watch when drunk. And that was what they were, drunk, soon to be shitfaced, and she couldn't have been happier about it. It felt like ages since she last got drunk and she missed the feeling of floating in a dizzy cloud were everything felt good as long as she was having a nice time.

They had already drunk one and a half bottles of wine when Ian suggested to change it for something stronger, he had chosen whisky but she opted for vodka, mixing it with stolen orange juice from the teacher's launch, only drinking it straight a couple of times. She shifted in her seat and reached to her backpack, which Abed had bothered to return to her once everyone left. They invited him to have a glass of wine with them but he declined, assuring he didn't drink. However, he did stood at the door for a couple of seconds, staring at them in an indecipherable silence before muttering "Cool. Cool, cool, cool" and leaving. It was a weird spot to get out of but the drinking helped.

Her backpack already on her lap she took her pack of cigarettes out but she stopped for a few second before lighting one up, slowly trying to decipher her own thought before asking — Do they have smoke detectors h're?

He looked at her briefly before going back to the computer, trying to find something new to see — I'd be very surprised if they did.

She shrugged, putting a cigarette between her lips — Alright then.

They kept watching video after video as they drunk and she smoked. They felt fine and in sync laughing at the same things and commenting on the same stuff, a drunken back and forward following it's own unscripted course, constantly being interrupted with snorts and laughs. Everything seemed to be alright until a fall video involving a bus reminded her of something, her drunken mind slowly making the connections until — Fuck. — she muttered.

Ian looked at her, his face still lightly cringing from the sting of the whisky he had just drank — What? — he asked. She shook her head, as she checked the time on her phone.

— I forgot about the bus. — she explained and looked at him, feeling just a little bit sober and concerned — I don't have a way to get home now.

He thought about it for half a second before uttering — I'll take you

She narrowed her eyes, trying to remind herself of her few drinking rules: 1) don't drive, 2) don't let mom see you drunk, 3) don't let other drunken people drive — No. I- I don't think that's a good idea.

He looked at her and nodded slowly, brow furrowed and eyes darting between his feet — Yeah... maybe not. — he leaned further back against his chair as if he was relaxing.

And, with the three drinking rules in mind she thought about going home and having her mother see her drunk, especially in a week night, she would freak. She didn't want to freak her out or have to deal with her freaking out, so she resolved — I don' wanna go home anyway, so- — she grabbed the vodka bottle and took a big swing at it — Screw it. Y'know?

He watched her as she took another sip of vodka and he nodded — Yeah, screw going home.

— Right. — she smiled at him as he finished his drink in one big swing. He closed his eyes tight for a moment before opening them and looking at her with a stupid and obnoxiously cute grin. They stayed in that drunken trance for a few moments before she interrupted it with an absentminded announcement — I want to dance. — he gave her a questioning look as she stood up.

She swiftly leaned forward to use the computer and left her body so close to his that he froze. Her body crossed above his, leaving her torso in front of him, her hips and waist only a couple of inches from his face, the skirt of her dress dangling over his lap, her bare tight brushing against his own and the hand he had resting there, skin against skin. And she hadn't even realized how bothered she had made him, she kept looking for a good song to dance to. He wanted to reach out, to move his fingers and caress her leg, maybe even go up. He really wanted to do it, he wanted to slowly trace his fingers through her inner thigh, he wanted to drive her mad with the uncertainty of his movements, to keep her on the edge as she waited for him to go up her dress and under her knickers, only to explore more there. Maybe have her stand in front of him, trying to stay still as his hand re-

His hand.

He opened his eyes and stopped his imagination the second he realized he was actually caressing her leg with the back of his index finger, he froze, his hand wasn't supposed to be doing that. He was scarred she had felt his finger caressing her leg. But she couldn't have, he assured himself, she was still standing there.

Little did he know that she was trying so hard not to react to the sudden lack of friction on her thigh, and for the most part she didn't. Lucky for her he couldn't see her frown, just like he couldn't see her biting her lip before that. She quickly put the song she had been looking for. No longer having a sweet touch to convince her to stay in that position, she stood straight and swayed her hips as she stepped back to the lower step. She extended her hand to him as she jumped a little — C'mon.

He shook his head slowly, embarrassed smile on his face and a light blush on his cheeks, as he muttered — Oh, no. — adding — I'm not drunk enough — with a low laugh.

— Okay then. — she reached to her bottle of vodka and offered it to him. He smiled and hesitated but said no. She stopped the small sway of her hips and gave him puppy eyes without even realizing — Please.

He couldn't really resist it, the humiliation of dancing was nothing compared to the view of her giving him that look and that pouting lip, asking him to drink and dance with her. He reluctantly grabbed the bottle and, after seeing her do a couple of small up-and-downs to celebrate, he took a big swing at it, almost immediately regretting it once the burning settled in. He stopped drinking it, let it sting for a few seconds and stood up, feeling a lot dizzier than before. She grabbed the bottle from him and took a couple of sips before he started dancing with her.

Alex was giving short jumps at the beat of the song and swinging her head ever so often, turning in place a couple of times or swinging her hips from left to right just to change it up. Ian however was awkwardly moving his arms near his torso, giving little wiggles and bumps with his shoulders while barely moving his feet. Alex had yet to see it, her eyes closed until she remembered he might would've wanted to drink some more vodka, so she opened her eyes and saw him mid dancing -if she dared to call it that- with his eyes closed. She tried to contain her laugh but she couldn't.

He opened his eyes at the sound and found her bending over her stomach laughing. He smiled, both confused yet amused, seeing her smile was nice — What? — she stood straight, still laughing, one hand over her mouth and the other one on her belly, she shook her head, unable to stop. He realized what she was laughing about and smiled. God he wanted to kiss that smile off her face at that very moment — Hey, you asked for this. — he reminded her, pretending to be offended.

She shook her head, barely stopping her laughter long enough to say — No. It's good.

He gave a short snort and said — I don't believe it, and the- — the what? — the... — Oh, screw it — And that you think I would, frankly, it's insulting. — she calmed down a bit, still giggling a bit.

— But it is! — she claimed and he gave her a funny look — It's just... it's funny! — she smiled and he gave her half back — It can be the two things. — she assured, nodding as if she was convincing herself. He looked at her doubtful. She rolled her eyes and got closer to nudge him with her elbow — C'mon, — she asked with a sweet voice and he had to hide a smile — peace?

He let his smile run loose and extended his hand — Truce. — she took his hand and shook it once but their hands didn't leave each other, they left them in that soft grip one had on the other that spread through them electricity and a soft calming current; both looking into the other's eyes, both tempting themselves with the idea of closing in the distance and maybe one of them would've, maybe he was right about to when the clearing of a throat by the door interrupted them. He let go of her hand and got away from her as if she was burning him as he turned around to see a janitor there.

— Hey, Jerry. — said Ian — We're preparing a, — he looked at the computer, the music still playing loud, and then at Alex and the vodka in her hand — a -uhm- a presentation.

The janitor looked at him with a face that simply read "Do you think I'm stupid?" Duncan gave him an smile, more apologetic than anything else — Mhm, sure. — he finally said while glancing at the bottles on the floor and the one on Alex's hand.

After a awkward silence Ian said — I thinks is ready. — he looked at her — We should- — he extended his hand and put it on her shoulder before quickly retreating it — we should go to my office and discuss it further.

She looked at him, then at the janitor, then back at him — Yeah, — she slowly hid the vodka bottle behind back — discuss the... the presentation. — she nodded, lying trough her teeth and terribly so.

— Yeah, exactly.

They both turned to see the Jerry and he rolled his eyes — Sure, whatever, just- have this cleared in five, ok? — he said and left, shaking his head and leaving his equipment at the door.

After a few seconds of silence Alex and Ian started laughing both in a drunken haze as they forgot to understand what was funny about that. She shushed him by putting her hand on his mouth when she heard the janitor walking near the door. Some of his giggles escaped through her hand as she looked at the door so focused, waiting to see if Jerry would show up again. When he didn't, she let go of Ian's face and said in a hushed voice — Okay, let's go.

She got to pick up her stuff and he did the same, amused with her secretive demeanor. They walked out of the room after turning off the computer and found that the janitor was still there.

She blushed before saying — Thanks, sorry for the bother. — as she tugged at Duncan's sleeve to make him walk with her.

They were both carrying a bottle each since they had left the empty ones back in his office and the juice one in the trash. He was carrying her shoes and backpack, she had almost forgotten them in the classroom.

He was looking at her dance around the hallway. Her movements strangely certain and spontaneous, like she already knew the steps but changed the order. She looked stunning to him. Hair flowing and falling on her face, hands and lags moving with grace as she spun through the corridor. She was wearing his vest on top of her cherry red dress, he had lend her the coat on their way from the office to the classroom when she got a little chilly, and hadn't dared to ask it back, even if he was a bit cold himself. He noted she was spinning a lot, he hoped she wouldn't fall but if she did he hoped he could catch her.

She noted him watching her as she danced but didn't say anything. She liked it, the way he would gaze at her. She would convince herself that she was exaggerating afterwards, that he was just looking at her, that it meant nothing. But when she was right under his gaze she could swear she felt some kind of love that came with his attention. She would feel this connection and would be unusually sure that he felt it too, and that it meant so much more that either of them were willing to admit. So she kept dancing and let him think he was the only one watching, since she wouldn't want to be the one to end it.

They made it to his office and she started to feel the sleep weighting on her eyelids, the excitement of being glanced upon by his eyes fading away as the tiredness of the day and the drinking creped over. Seeing her so tired he offered her to sit on the couch and she did, grabbing the fake skull from the table beside it and playing with it as she laid her head on a pillow, the world spinning around her, only Ian's voice grounding her. Soon enough, halfway into the explanation on why Jerry probably wouldn't rat them out on their campus intoxication, she fell asleep. He smiled at the view of her body curled up on itself on his office couch. The deep red skirt of her sundress clashing with the blue drawings on his couch and the dark gray of his vest. He put on some blankets on top of her and let the fake skull were it belonged before sitting down on his one person couch, settling down to sleep there. He was very much uncomfortable. His neck was crooked as he was trying to lay his side on the couch with his feet on the coffee table in front of him. He remembered had slept in more uncomfortable and unorthodox places, so this would be fine.

Chapter Text

Ian woke up in what felt the blink of an eye. He was feeling everything but rested. He tried to go back to sleep but the couch wasn't half as comfortable sober, and it wasn't very comfortable when drunk. He laid there for a few seconds, looking at the side of his desk, before sitting up to face Alex who, he had almost forgotten, had slept the night there. He smiled at the sight of her face. She was beautiful and looked just right laying on his blue couch, wrapping an arm around her waist and griping his vest. How he had managed not to kiss her in the classroom was beyond himself.

He stood up and, fighting against his aching muscles, walked to his desk, grabbing an ibuprofen for each of them and leaving them on the desk. He grabbed the empty alcohol bottles and passed them through the window to leave them in the alleyway behind his office, trying to make as less noise a possible. He checked the time. He should probably wake Alex up, it was half past eight and she was likely to have a class to attend to. He did a quick run to the teacher's launch and got two cups of coffee, a lot of sugar and a bottle of water to take back to his office.

Alex woke up to the sound door closing and she cursed at the sunlight coming through the window, closing her eyes in an attempt to ease the headache — Good morning. — she heard a British accent chime and it took her a moment to remember she had slept in Professor Duncan's office. She got out of the light's way and opened her eyes, groaning at the symptoms of the hangover — Okay, it sounds like you need this, — she saw him drop a painkiller in front of her — this — a water bottle — and this. — a cup of coffee. She looked at him but he was already looking elsewhere, focusing on his cup of coffee, mixing in the sugar with one of those little sticks — Oh, and I also brought some sugar if you'd like. — she felt her heart do a little something. Maybe it skipped a beat or maybe it sighted at the thought of someone caring for her like that. It was so subtle, so tiny and so considerate. Painkillers, water and coffee for the hangover, a vest for the cold and a couch to crash on for the night.

Kindness was not something she thought he would excel at when she met him.

— Thank you. — she said, sincere.

He looked at her with a lopsided smile that brought up his right dimple — It's nothing. — he said and took a sip from his coffee.

Alex nodded, took the painkillers and drank all of the water before checking her phone seeing missed calls and texts from both her mom and her brother — Shit. — she skimmed through them, her eyes setting on a line of the last one, sent by her mother five minutes earlier “Also, you left you diorama here. Do you need it today?” — Fuck. I've got to go home. — she said, leaving the empty bottle in the table and looking for her backpack.

— Is everything alright? — she heard him ask as she grabbed her backpack and searched for her shoes. She saw them on the one person couch and went to grab them, calculating in the back of her head of how fast she would have to run to catch the bus.

As she put in her shoes she remembered she hadn't answer him — I- Yeah, I just forgot my diorama.

— Oh. — he said. He thought about it — I'll take you.

She stopped and looked at him — You don't have to. — she assured, suddenly weary of how kind he was being. She stood on both her feet and gave him a questioning look and, without thinking it twice, said — Did you do something that is making you feel guilty, or...?

He stopped for a moment — What? No. — he shook his head, chasing away the thoughts of what she might have thought he had done — I just thought- — he sighed it was a little early to try and explain himself but he tried anyway — Taking the bus is bad enough, no need to add a hangover and a diorama to it. — there was a short beat of silence before he added — And it was kind of my fault you didn't get home yesterday, I guess I may feel guilty about that. — he was pretty sure he didn't feel guilty about it but, if it made her feel better, he would say whatever she wanted him to say. She didn't say a thing. She seemed to be deep in thought. He left his coffee in his desk and took in a small breath before sincerely saying — Listen, I'm sorry if I was out of place or- or if I made you uncomfortable. I-

— No, no, you didn't. — she said, letting him have some of his peace back — It's just- — she gave out a soft sight with a sad grimace — nobody has been this kind to me for- well, a long time.

He gave her a sympathetic look — Well, there's nothing wrong with some suspicion.

She smiled — I guess not. — there was a pregnant silence were she looked at him as he grabbed his coffee again. She nodded to herself — I wouldn't mind it if you'd take me home. I mean, if the offer still stands.

He smiled and his dimples emerged on his cheeks — It still stands. — she was absolutely sure he looked as cute as it could be. His hair was messy and his tie undone, which reminded her she was wearing his vest. She thought of giving it back but she chose not to. Not yet. She could keep it just a little longer.

He pointed her to the door with his coffee cup and she hurried to open it, taking a moment to check all of her clothing being in place. She nodded to herself and opened the door, walking through it and waiting for him on the other side. He grabbed his keys from the top drawer and walked to her. He went back for a second, remembering to lock the office door, then returning right back to her. She looked at him expectant as he tried to remember where he had parked — That way. — he said pointing to her right. She nodded and they started walking to the parking lot.

She looked at him, he looked tired and messy but he didn't look like he hated life and everything about it. Which was weird because that was her default look whenever she was hang over.

— How are you fine? — she asked him. He looked at her, eyebrows slightly raised as he drank from his coffee.

He cleaned his mouth with the back of his hand and spoke — I'm used to drinking, I guess.

She was never that lucky. — So, you don't have a hang over? — she asked as they walked through the door to step into the campus yard. The sun was really had something against her today. She wished she had sunglasses.

— Oh, no, I do, but I didn't drink enough to get a bad one. — she made a face wondering how much was enough to give him a hangover — I do have wee bit of a headache, if it's of any consolation. — he said giving her a sweet and cheeky smile.

She smiled, just like he hoped she would, and shook her head to herself before looking at him — It's not.

He chucked a little at her honesty — Oh, Well. — he drank the last of his coffe and threw it in a garbage bin. Seeing his car in the car park ahead he got his keys from his pocket before saying — It was worth the shot.

She smiled after letting go a soft chuckle.

Soon enough they were in the road. She was guiding him to her place, knocking out the chance of sleep before class. How was she going to give that presentation was beyond her but she wasn't thinking about it, right then she was comforting herself on the fact that she might have to do it the next class instead. God, she hoped she would. Still, there was a more urgent matter at hand.

— Right here?

— Yeah. — she said, swallowing thick as the headache took a second place in her mind — Right here. — she nodded to herself, took a small breath and looked at him — Okay, you just stay here, keep the doors unlocked. — he nodded. She looked at her house and nodded, grabbing her backpack — I'll be right back.

She stepped out of the car and walked to her house, realizing how easy he had made it for her. He didn't push to help her and just did what she said. That was... nice.

She looked at the door, straightened her backpack, put her keys in and took in breath. She walked into the house and saw her mother and brother sitting on the table. God, this was going to be worse that she had imagined. They both looked at her.

— Ale! — her mother said both in surprise and relief but then her face turned more concerned — Where the hell were you?!

Alex froze. With my teacher. With a friend. At college. All true but she decided to go with the last — At college. — she took the momentary silence and went to her bedroom looking for the diorama.

— That's all you have to say for yourself?! — her brother said, chasing her through the small hall that lead to the bedrooms, their mother following shortly behind. She entered to her bedroom, trying really hard not to bat an eye at his self-righteous outrage — You disappear for the night and you were just "at college"! — he scoffed, stopping at her headroom door — Screw that. Where were you?

She took a deep breath, trying so hard not to snap back at him. God, she would've loved to bark back. To scream her head off in a shouting match against her brother, but she knew that would do no good so she just let the breath go softly and turned around — Not that it's any of your business but I was working on a project and lost the last bus back. I forgot to let mom know. — that last sentence made her cringe — God, am I seventeen years old or something? I have to let everyone know my every move? I'm sorry I have my own life. — she scoffed — I won't do it again. Promise. — she mocked before turning around to grab the cards and notes for the presentation and shoving them in her backpack. She felt a bit childish and wasn't sure if it was because of how they were treating her or how she was reacting. She moved to grab some underwear and another dress. She would take a shower after history on the joint PE and PEE locker-room.

— Oh, screw you! — Franco roared before taking a breath — I'm late for work. Bye, ma. — he said a bit more calmly, clearly not to Alex. She heard him leave and sighted, what a hard-ass.

— Ale. — she heard her mother call for her after a short silence. She turned around to see her.

Before she could say anything Alex spoke — I'm sorry, ma. I didn't mean to worry you, okay? I lost track of time and had to sleep there. — she sighted and started to walk away — I'm running late and need my diorama. — she hoped that was enough but her mother wouldn't give it a rest.

— Where did you sleep? And whose vest is that? — Alma asked and she felt like an idiot for not taking the vest off.

— At a friend's couch. And it's my friend's. — she brushed it off as she went to the office room, looking for her French revolution diorama.

— What friend? —she asked following her into the room.

She got her backpack nicely on her back, making sure nothing would fall out on her walk to the car — One from anthropology, ma. What does it matter? — she lifted the small Bastille diorama from the table, luckily it wasn't very heavy. She started walking out, her mother still following her.

— It matters to me! — she complained — Wait, did you drink?!

Alex stopped. She could've lied. She knew that. She could've lied and acted outraged as she stormed off but that would only start the same cycle over again. So she settled for — Ma, it's college, everybody drinks. — as she started walking to the door again.

Her mother sighted — Well, you're not everybody, Alex. — she didn't stop, walking to the door in a rushed fashion way before her mother stopped her — Alejandra, basta! — she stopped, letting the handle go — Mírame. — reluctantly, Alex turned around.

— Ma. — she sighted but her mother didn't let her finish.

— Amor, I need to know you're fine. — she looked calmly and paused, cautiously getting closer — Not just when you're out but all of the time. — she sighted — You worry me. I need to know you're not doing something... stupid, alright? — she explained, sighting as she prepared to say — Necesito saber que estás bien.

Alex felt a soft but ever present knot in her throat as she said — Ma, estoy bien. I swear. — she assured her — There's nothing to worry about. I'm not doing anything stupid. Well, maybe I am but not that kind of stupid. Okay?

— Alright. — her mom nodded, unsatisfied but letting it go — Just one more thing. — Alex nodded — Who's the guy in the car?

Alex felt a bit embarrassed — It's a friend, alright? Alright. Love you. Bye. — she rushed to get out, avoiding follow-up questions and getting to the car as fast as she could.

She sat in the front seat, looking straight ahead and Ian looked at her, trying to read her expression but all he could read was 'tired' — Is everything alright? — he decided to ask.

She closed her eyes for a second and nodded — Yeah, just fine. Ready?

— Sure.

She was falling asleep. She didn't mean to. Duncan wasn't talking much, focused on driving, and she was very tired. Beside there was something about him being near that made falling asleep easier. But by the time she was about to get some actual sleep he pulled up in the college's  parking lot. She stretched as far as the car and the diorama allowed her to as he killed the engine, getting out of the car to help her with the diorama — Thank you. — she said when he took the model from her hands.

He waited for her to get out of the car and settle herself before giving the mock-up back. He noted she was still wearing his vest but he didn't say anything. Maybe because she would be cold, maybe because he liked how she looked in it.

— Really, Duncan, thank you. For all of this. It was very nice of you.

He nodded — Ian, please. — he said and smiled softly — It's nothing. I'm sorry you got in trouble for staying. I saw that guy leaving, — he said, hoping it wasn't obvious what he was trying to find out — he looked pissed off.

She shook her head with a smile, knowing what he was really asking — Oh, don't even worry about, my brother is a hard-ass. Gets angry about anything. — he smiled in triumph and a bit of relief. She noted it and nodded absentminded before remembering there was a place she was supposed to be — I should probably get going.

He nodded, remembering he had class, too — Yeah, me too.

— You're going that way? — she asked, pointing at her left, a bit hopeful to an idea she wasn't admitting to herself.

He shook his head no and pointed the opposite way — No, that way. — he gave her a bit of a sorry smile that she returned. There was beat if silence that he cut off with — Well. — she looked up and he froze for a moment.

He did an awkward wave as he started walking backwards. He was about to turn around when she promptly stepped towards him and said — Wait! — he stopped and walked a bit towards her, curiously watching as she turned around and left her diorama in the hood of his car and her backpack on the floor. He watched her take off his vest before turning around and walking to him. She extended it — Here.

— Thanks. — he said as he grabbed it. Without much thought he put it on, the neck of it getting shortly stuck on his nose, making her smile a bit. He slithered his hands on top of the fabric, getting rid of a few wrinkles on the way but fixing nothing more. He looked at her, her eyes showing this hope-like feeling that only her and her eyes could show.

She looked at him with a smile, knowing she probably looked ridiculous, too. Her hair was probably as messy as his, her dress as wrinkled as his shirt, her eyes just as tired and her smile just as stupid. The only thing he had that she didn't was a crooked tie. She looked at it, it was orange and had a blue pattern that matched the blue in his plaid shirt and somehow combined with it and didn't at all. Without much thought she put her hands on it.

Ian stiffened at the touch. He didn't say anything, he let her do it, getting a warm feeling at her proximity complemented by a small electricity that gave the brush of her fingers on his chest, even through all those layers of clothes. He was holding back his breath, waiting for her to finish what she was doing. He felt her delicate hands tighten the knot on his tie and contemplated the concentration on her face as she tried to leave it straight.

She stopped. Her work was done. Absentmindedly, she slithered her fingers down the fabric to get rid of wrinkles, stopping on the edge of the collar of his sweater bit not leaving it. Ian's mind went completely blank, not sure of what to think. Her face was relaxed, like if it was a usual thing to do. Alex froze, suddenly becoming deeply aware of what she was doing. She got her hand off of him as if he was burning her and kept her eyes on his tie. She blushed hard for a moment, unable to meet his gaze.

She took a breath and looked up at him, finding him looking at her in a state of wonder. He was speechless. His mind racing, wondering what was her intent, what was she thinking. Alex on the other hand was trying to brush her own actions off. She smiled with embarrassment and got her hand to grab her arm — Sorry, I- it was crooked.

— Oh. —he looked down at it and nodded a little — Thanks. — he looked back at her. Neither of them moved. They didn't want to move from each other now that they had been so close. He didn't mind to stay like that for as long as he could. To have her looking at him with that light blush on her cheeks, standing so close to him. But he saw in the corner of his eye Dean Pelton walking by so he stepped back — I'll see you in class, then? — he asked, slowly walking backwards.

— Yeah, — she nodded, still a bit embarrassed — see you in class. — he nodded with a smile and turned around to keep walking. She hid her face in her hands and grunted softly as soon as she was sure to be out of Duncan's earshot.

— Will they won't they, sexual tension.

— Holy fuck, Abed! — she nearly screamed, trying not to drop her mock up in the process. She took a breath to calm herself as he quietly apologized. She nodded and was about to say that it was alright but stopped, thinking — What did you say?

— Self reference. — he explained, barely.

— Nice. — she said, more as a question than a statement.

— A bit lazy. — he said — But, yeah.

— Alright. — she hesitated, smiling as one of her eyebrows slithered upwards, showing her amused yet confused. She let it go as they started walking towards their respective classes, which were one next to the other — How are you?

— I'm good. — he answered almost instantly. Keeping up with her fast pace with no problem — We're having a movie night with Troy tonight. — he let her know, waiting a second before following it up with — Do you wanna join?

— Sure, l'll bring snacks. — she nodded, giving herself a second before adding with a smile — And this diorama.

Cool. — he assured — Cool, cool, cool.

She checked her watch by instinct and realized — Shit, I'm late. — she cursed out and then looked at Abed seemingly neutral face as he looked at her, almost as if he was studying her face. She crooked her neck slightly and lifted an eyebrow as she was looking at him and he imitated the movements — Aren't you late? — she asked, sincerely interested.

—Yeah but, since we walk together every Thursday and you let me know when you're not coming, I waited for you. — she smiled and let out a little "aww", even if it felt a bit patronizing to do so. Abed was actually, genuinely cute some of the time.

— Thanks, Abed.

Chapter Text

She should have left by then. Her eyes glanced over the watch on her wrist. She should've already left. The game was over, the streets were getting dark and her head was starting to spin. Nevertheless she had already ordered a fifth bottle of beer. She sighted as she wondered how long would it take for that cute waitress to bring her drink. And, just as that thought crossed through her mind for a third time, the waitress showed up, dark glass bottle being placed in front of her and then second one.

— I don't mind an extra beer but I only ordered one.

— Oh, yeah. The man over there sent it. — she said, pointing at a guy who was looking at her from the distance.

— Oh, ok. Thanks.

The waitress left giving her a smile and a sly wink that made her blush a bit.

She looked at the beer and wondered, what was about a woman alone in a bar that made every other man think she needed company? She saw the man lift himself from his seat and say something to his friends at his table before walking towards her. She hated it. He seemed like an alright guy but she wasn't in the mood to get to know a stranger. Yet, no matter how much she wanted him to go back to his table, he sat down on the free stool next to her. He smiled. He had a nice smile.

— Hi.

— Hello. — she replied, begrudgingly accepted the hopefully short chat, telling herself it was something to do while she drank.

— So, what were you watching?

— What? — she inquired the alcohol in her brain slowing her ability to comprehend the question on the first try.

— Earlier you were watching something on the TV. — he explained, pointing at the TV that hang a few feet above them to his right — You seemed very stocked about it.

—Oh. Yeah. Right — she nodded, remembering why she was at that establishment in the first place — It was football. — she shook her head, remembering to correct the thing that had frequently led her to a small misunderstanding — Soccer. — and as she said that she remembered that it wouldn't be just a chat it would be a "get to know you" chat, and she was in no mood for one of those.

He raised an eyebrow, not sure of what he was expecting but knowing that wasn't it — Oh. — he said, looking rather interested, giving her an opening to talk a bit about it. There was a small silence as Alex decided to lead with some honesty — Look, — she took a breath, figuring out exactly what to say — you seem nice but I'm not really looking for anything tonight.

The brown haired man nodded but gave her a second glance, asking — Not even casual sex?

She hesitated for a second — No. — she didn't sounded convinced at her own words and he noted.

— You don't seem very sure about that. — he said, giving her a sly smile.

She chuckled a little, nodding before saying — You are somewhat handsome.

He smiled, flattered — Thanks.

She continued — But I don't really want to right now.

— Alright. I'll take it. — he said, raising his hands from the table and keeping them up by his chest for a moment — It's all good. — he said, walking backwards and turning around. He stopped for a moment and turned back around, walking back to her — Do you mind if I give you my number? — he rubbed his neck and seemed to shrink down a little — Just in case you do want to some time and I'm still as handsome.

Alex smiled, shrugging ever so slightly as she nodded — Yeah. Sure. — she reached for her phone in her back pocket and gave it to him.

She waited as he put the digits and name into her contacts and smiled as he gave her the phone back — I'm Kyle, by the way

— Alex.

He smiled and lingered for a moment on the silence and look they were sharing — I guess I'll see you when I see you. — she nodded, strangely charmed by how he was stumbling and fumbling with his words. She noted him unsatisfied with his exit line but she had liked it.

Alex smiled to herself and returned to her beer. She looked over at the second bottle, she shouldn't drink that, especially since she was alone and had to take a cab home. Maybe she should return it, have it sent back to the guy or something. But she didn't. She let it sit there as she drank the first beer, it was like she had already made up her mind about it. She was going to drink it, even if it made everything a bit worse later, because she would feel a little less at first.

— Alex?

Her eyes looked slightly up, meeting the familiar face of the familiar voice.

— Duncan. — she was a bit shocked but relieved that it was him and not anyone else.

— Fancy seeing you here.

He smiled and she smiled back, it was obvious he had just entered the bar, his red jacket still hung on his shoulders and he didn't have any drinks with him — Yeah. — she took a look at him. She was rather keen on this look. Red football shirt, red sport jacket, black jeans and wind-ruffled hair. She figured it was the first time she had seen him in something other than a buttoned up and an mismatched sweater-tie combo — Hi. — she smiled, still adjusting to the idea of having him there — How are you?

She was glad it wasn't as awkward as she thought it would be after the incident on the parking lot. She had seen him after that on the anthropology class and it hadn't been awkward then either but she figured it was because they had something to talk about -Abed's religious rap video. She hoped something similar would happen then. She hoped a nice banter topic would fall into their laps just like that.

— Quite alright. — he answered, a slightly cheerful tone flattering his voice — How about you?

She looked down at her bottle, her thumb outlining the side of its neck from side to side — Fine. A bit bored. — she looked up, taking her beer with her — What are you doing here? — she asked before taking a sip.

— Came to watch the game and drink. — he simply stated, as if to say "a typical Friday night plan" — My TV broke last week so I had no place to watch it.

— What game?

— Liverpool. — he did a subtle double take and asked — Isn't that why you're here?

She gave him a confused look and he pointed down to her clothes. She looked at her red and white football shirt and understood where he was coming from — Oh, no. — she softly smiled — This isn't Liverpool. It's River.

— Alright. — he nodded. A few seconds of disorientation passed by in silence before he asked — And that is?

— Argentinean football.

— Really? Why?

She gave herself a moment — It's my family's team, I guess? — she explained, hand reaching for her beer bottle a she continued — My mom's my dad's my brother's, even most of my grandparents

— I get it. — he assured, smiling at the likelihood of their upbringing — Any other team was out of the question.

— Yeah, exactly. — she saw him standing next to the table and felt a bit awkward that he was standing and she was sitting down. Luckily the height difference wasn't so large since she was sitting in a stool instead of a common chair — Do you want to sit down? — she resolved, gesturing at the free stool — I've got this extra beer.

— Yeah, sure. — he tried not to grin at the thought that the guy who bought her that beer was almost instantly asked to go away while he was getting the beer and the seat. Even if she had given him her number, Ian already had it and that let him rest assured he held a little bit of an advantage over that guy — Thanks. — he took a sip from the beverage and turned to her — So what are you doing here? Assuming your telly works just fine.

— Yeah it does. — she smiled and then pondered on what to answer — I was just — she wavered on what to say — getting away, I guess. — she looked at the beer between her hands for a moment — Trying to watch the game and drink a couple of beers without being told I'm relapsing. — she lifted the beer towards her mouth as Ian nodded but stopped before taking a sip, taking a second just to say — Which I probably am, but I don't want to be told that.

— I know the feeling. — he said, raising his own beer as if he was to make a toast — Cheers to that.

They clicked the bottom of their bottles and drunk down some beer. She looked at the screen above them and noted — You probably need to change the channel if you wanna see the game.

— Yeah. Right.

He stood up and reached the TV to change the channel, with much less effort than she had to put about an hour earlier, and sat back down again.

— So, who is Liverpool playing against?

— Arsenal

She took a sip of beer — Big game?

— A bit. — he answered and looked back at her seeing the game wouldn't start until a couple more minutes — What about River? Big game?

— Nah, it was a friendly game. — she looked away from his eyes, catching a not-too-short of a glance of his hands on the beer bottle. His finger seemed so long and held the bottle with a feather-like grip — I'm surprised there was a channel that had it on. — she said, almost absentmindedly, eyes still on his lanky yet gracious fingers. She shook her head slightly, trying not to focus on him or any of his body parts and took another swing at her beer. She might have thought it was time to go home but since he was there she had a reason to stay and another game to see.

And they kept talking about Liverpool's good season and the League's tournament until the game started. And as they watched they had a few more drinks, about forty five minutes worth of drinking and watching the game, that were promptly followed by drinking and talking during the halftime — It's nice, — he said — having someone to watch the game with. — he clarified and decided to drink some more to ease down the nerves that still lingered under his skin and spiked up a bit whenever they would share a glance.

— Yeah, it's nice. — she nodded — It's a shame you have to watch all these games alone.

— Well, you do too.

— I don't. — she said, sounding almost defensive. She stopped and cooled down, not meaning to come off that strongly — I didn't. — she corrected, not really wanting to get into it — My family and I used to watch all the games together.

He raised an eyebrow as she looked away to have a drink — What happened?

— Well, that's an easy one. — she assured, sounding a bit bitter but not towards him — The tradition fell away when my dad died.

— Oh. I'm sorry.

— It's alright, we still get together for the big games though. — she tried to brush it off but he didn't let her, looking at her until she gave in, giving him half a sad smile and a sincere — Thanks.

She stayed a bit too quiet for his taste after that, he could see her thinking, processing something in her head as she drank a bit more heavily than before.

— I get it. — he said, trying to get her out of her own head.

She looked up at him, drink still in hand — Yeah?

— Not entirely. — he clarified — I mean my dad isn't dead -I think-, just absentee. — he said in an offhand comment — But my grandparents are, and they basically raised me.

She gave him a sad smile as he drank down his beer —I'm sorry about that, then. — she said, sincerely.

He looked at her with a easy smile — Thank you.

They lingered on each other's eyes for a moment, calmed with no rush to move on to a new subject. At least until a drunken thought lingered on Alex's mind, a thought that whispered "kiss him", and it made her break their shared gaze. She straightened up and quickly finished the last bit of her beer before asking him — Should we get another round?

Chapter Text

By the time the second half of the game started she was almost drunk and very tired, holding her head up by laying it into her hand and paying no attention to the game, only the things Ian shouted at the referee. Things like — Bite my banger! — or — Go fuck yourself. — which she would reply in her head with “I would do nicer things than that to your banger” and “Fuck me yourself” only to giggle about it to herself. And he would smile at her. Unaware of what she was giggling about but glad she was doing it.

She slowly lowered her hand and head to the table, mumbling she was going to rest her eyes. His soft, drunken laughter filled her ears and made her laugh too. She was even drunker than he was and it made her feel alright to give up control like that. It was easy being drunk. It felt like floating yet not being able to fly. It was confusing state, feeling both great and awful, liberated and trapped.

She tried to rest but grew more uncomfortable by the second. The feeling of floating fading. The room seemed to be spinning, the air was humid and too warm for her taste, her cheeks were almost burning and no matter how cold the table was it didn't seemed to help. The noise of men cheering and laughing made her groan. She didn't want to be there. She didn't wanted to go home but she didn't wanted to be there more. And, just as if he was reading her mind, Duncan asked — Do you want to go? — she nodded frowning a little bit in a sad manner, like a sleepy toddler after waking up. He smiled — Alright.

She opened her eyes ever so slightly, seeing his left hand about a dozen inches away from her face. She focused on it. Her tired eyes traced through his long fingers down to the palm and back up, hypnotized by the movement of his hand as he tapped his fingertips rhythmically on the table. She looked up to his face. He was looking away, looking for a waiter to bring him the check. She wondered something. She couldn't quite put it into words.

Her head still against the wooden table, she felt her phone buzz repeatedly. She lifted her head from the table, seeing it vibrate on top of it. She picked it up and saw her mother's name on the screen. Alex hesitated but sent her to voicemail anyway once again in the evening. She exhaled. She knew that an almost endless stream of messages would follow, and it did.

She sighted at the first text “Why aren't you answering my calls. You were supposed to be here an hour ago. Where are you?” Her mother was right. We're was she? In a bar, almost past midnight, after drinking who-knows how many beers with her professor "You're a piece of shit" she thought to herself "Instead of staying home and keeping mom accompanied you're sitting on a bar drinking." She felt her throat tighten and her heart ache. How could she be so selfish, so shitty, so wasteful of herself. After everything? Piece of shit. She was supposed to be fine, she was supposed to be good. But she didn't deserve to be good. She deserved nothing, she was sure of it. She frowned at her own painful thoughts and felt something in her chest sink in pain. Her breathing became heavy but more agitated by the seconfd, only then noting her own tearful eyes.

— Hey. — Ian said. His quiet and concerned voice interrupting her torturous thoughts. Getting her out of her own head. His hand landed over her right shoulder and gave it a light press, trying to comfort her — What's wrong?

She shook her head slightly and covered her face with her hands — I'm sorry. — she lamented, voice trembling with anguish as she tried to dry her watery eyes — I'm okay. — she promised, getting her hands off her face, nodding as she tried to calm herself down — I'm okay. — she assured, mostly to herself.

— It's alright. — he tried to get her to look at him but she would avoid his gaze, trying to hide her tearstained cheeks from him — You can tell me. — he tried to sound sincere and sober, even if he wasn't the latter.

She shook her head, distraught and a little embarrassed — It's alright. I'm drunk. It's nothing. — she dismissed it, eyes fixed on anything but his face.

— So which one is it?

She gave out a failed, confused smile, finally looking at him. Her gaze melting right into his kind brown eyes that somehow brought her an soft  tranquility — What? — she asked,

— Is it alright, is it you being drunk or is it nothing?

— It's all three. — she said, genuine yet small smile on her face. Voice trembling yet amused.

— You're sure? — her breath laid heavy on her lungs. She nodded, not feeling like talking anymore. He nodded, too, unconvinced but unwilling to push her for more information.

A waiter brought them their check and Alex reached for her wallet but he stopped her — I've got it. You can invite the next time if you want. — she tried to oppose but he assured it was fine so she settled for leaving a generous tip. As the waiter brought back the change she answered her mother's message "Sorry, I can't talk. Movie night with Abed. I'm sleeping here tonight" She took long enough for Ian to have his jacket back on and be ready to go. They slowly walked outside. Alex laid on Ian's arm with her head on the upper part of it -she couldn't reach his shoulder- to steady herself and please her tiredness with some comfort. Luckily Duncan didn't seemed to mind.

They stepped outside and the chilly air made her shiver a little bit and made her lean further against him to keep warm. The car wasn't far away, at least it didn't seemed far away to her. She felt cold the moment he let her go to get into the car. Alex waited as he opened the car door for her from inside the car.

She sat down on the co-pilot seat, feeling a little bit more sober than before, but still feeling dizzy  — Where to? — he asked, the engine turned off and his hands laying on his legs.

— I don't know. — she said, looking at him way more tired now that she was in a quiet place that she knew — I don't wanna go home.

— We can go to another bar. — he put the keys in and shrugged as he turned the car on — Or the school. But I wouldn't go there. There are AA meetings on the weekends. They are a bummer.

She looked at him, he was clearly drunk — You shouldn't drive. — she warned. Bad memories cursing in flashes through her head. She didn't let herself think of them, trying really hard to focus on the present.

— It'll be alright.

She shook her head heart raising with fear — No driving. — she demanded. He looked at her and the pleading look she was wearing — Please.

— Alright. — he said, letting go of the wheel and killing the engine — What then?

They were looking at each other, both of them drunk and tired. She laid her side into the seat and he did the same. Their eyes still sharing an intimate look, a universe of their own — I don't know. — she almost whispered, a bit afraid of not knowing what to do or where to go. She didn't mind staying there, looking at him. She could do that, stay, just for a little while more.

Ian saw the way she was looking at him. A way that made him feel anticipation for something unknown. A way that made him yearn for more of her. But he dismissed it as her being drunk and sad, and maybe lonely. He knew all those feelings all too well. He knew if she were any other girl he would ask her to go to his place, just so he could fix her one last drink and kiss her right after. All to have meaningless, regrettable, drunken sex and have her leave before sunrise. But he didn't want to do that. Not with her. He wanted to take her home that night to know she would get through the night safe. And have the reward of seeing how lovely she'd look in the morning. He wanted to kiss her, sure, but not if it meant having her leave without saying goodbye. But he was still drunk, and the way her eyes looked into his clouded his better judgment — We can call a cab, go back to my place.

She smiled and his eyes roamed through it, seeing how the right side of her smile was always a bit more prominent and how the corner of her lips wrinkled a bit when they met with her cheeks. Her smile slowly relaxed but stayed a smile — Yeah?

— Yeah.

Her eyes lingered on his face. Was he offering a place to sleep or was it something more? No matter what it was, she wanted it.

— Alright.

Chapter Text

The first thing that her eyes met as she entered the apartment was the white eggshell color of the walls. It seemed to have come with the apartment since it matched the wall of the hall. She took her coat off, already warmed up — Let me get that. — Ian offered and she gave the coat to him, thanking him as he hanged it on the coat rack. She stood still and let him walk through first, inhibitions already back up after sobering up a little bit on the cab ride. It felt like she shouldn't be there, which was probably true. It was two am on a Saturday and she was still fairly drunk, standing just past the entrance of her professor's house.

She followed him into the living-room, her eyes roaming through the large room. First thing that came into view was the kitchen island that separated the two spaces. It was clean and it was made out if a dark material that gave the apartment a more bachelor's pad kind of style. It didn't entirely matched with the rest of the furniture, which was rather old and a bit uncoordinated in style. As she walked further in, she noted that there were a few thing that matched, like the worktop and the wine cooler that laid on top of the liquor cabinet on the other side of the room, or the tv's table and the small but old piano opposite to it, sadly the couch and coffee table didn't matched but where unceremoniously held together by the black and grey rug that kept them from touching the dark wood-like tile floor.

— Do you need anything? — he asked from the other side of the kitchen island. She looked at him, he seemed much more relaxed than in the cab — Water? Food?

— Water, please.

She thought back to the cab. The minute they got in he started looking so anxious and stiff, they had barely talked, he clearly seemed to have something on his mind. But right then, he seemed alright, even if just a bit distant.

— Thanks. — she said, taking the water bottle he was handing her. She drank some of it and Ian grabbed one for himself as she did.

He wasn't looking at her anymore, not like on his car. He seemed distant, even if he was being nice. The way he kept his distance and looked away whenever they would share a look, like if her eyes burned on his, she couldn't help but to feel disappointed. The moment he invited her she was sure they were both sharing the same idea, even if they wouldn't say it. But maybe she had misunderstood his intentions. Maybe he was just being nice and offering her a place to stay the night. Still, the memory of his eyes roaming across her body in the bar and her face all through the night begged to differ.

She thought whether to take the defeat or just try and make a move but reached no conclusion by the time her phone started ringing. She answered, a bit confused — Abed?

— Hey. Your mom just texted me to check, and I quote, "if she's really there right now". Which you aren't; so I'm assuming you're lying. — in spite of the time and the fact that he was probably sleeping he sounded as rushed and stoic as he always did.

— Yeah, sorry. — she apologized, starting to aimlessly walk around the room, looking mostly at her feet — You didn't tell her I'm not there, right? — she asked, suddenly concerned by the idea of being caught.

— No, don't worry. — he assured — I figured I'd call you first, unlike last time.

— Thank you. — she sighted relived. Slowly some shame washed over her as she asked — Just lie for me, please?

— Sure. But, where are you?

She hesitated, balancing from one foot to the other. She breathed out. What wrong could it do? — I'm at Duncan's.

— Nice. — he whispered to her surprise. She furrowed, mouthing a "what?" but not interrupting him — Remember to ask him about his life, maybe get to share some trauma, that will forward the romantic plot exponentially.

She chuckled — Alright. I'll do that, Abed. Bye.

— Bye. — she hung up, shaking her head at his antics. Trying not to linger too much on the idea of a romantic plot, hardly managing not to.

— Do you need a change of clothes? — he asked after a short hush. She turned to him, finally moving away from the thought Abed had introduced to her drunken self. He was finally sharing her gaze, his eyes a bit kinder, showing care, understanding and some yearning. Or maybe it was her projecting onto his eyes

— Yeah, that would be great.

— I'll be back in a jiffy. — and left her alone on the living room. Her eyes lingered on the door he had gone through for a bit until she forced herself to look away.

She looked around and moved towards the bookshelf that was standing on the right of the three person couch. She looked through the books, most of them being academics books on psychology, very few on moral philosophy, and a fair amount of novels, both classical and lesser known ones. She wondered if he had read them all. Probably not, especially the non academic ones. She read through the name of every book on the second shelf, they were ordered alphabetically and by subject but were dusty enough for her to leave a print with her finger every time she touched one. She crooked her neck as she read the title of a green covered book that caught her eye, it read "Introduction To Human Psychology. Ian Duncan. First edition." She took it out of the bookcase and opened it to skim through it. He had written a book, quite a long academic one. That was fairly surprising and quite the accomplishment. She stopped at a random page and read “When certain events, feelings, or yearnings cause an individual anxiety, the individual wishes to reduce that anxiety. To do that, the individual’s unconscious mind uses ego defense mechanisms, unconscious protective behaviors that aim to reduce anxiety. The ego, usually conscious, resorts to unconscious strivings to protect the ego from being overwhelmed by anxiety. When we use defense mechanisms, we are unaware that we are using them. Further, they operate in various ways that distort reality.” That stroke her curiosity, how could someone not realize that they were doing that?

— Alex. — she turned around at the voice of her professor and felt a light blush grace her cheeks when his eyes found his book in her hands.

— So, you wrote a book. — she said, feeling rather skittish under his gaze.

He smiled — Yeah, barely.

— Barely?

— I mean, it's an introduction book. Anyone can do that.

She gave him a playful look and closed the book — I can't. — she said and put it back in its place. Before he could say anything back she asked — How long did it take you to write it?

— I don't know. About a year and a half, I think. — she didn't ask anything else. Her back turned to him as she kept looking through the books. He took a moment to look at her. She was standing with one leg taking most of the weight and the other one crossing behind it. Her hair passing by her shoulders with ease, curls falling right below her shoulders, hands delicately touching his books, making them worth four times their initial price in his mind. The shirt she was wearing was a bit too big for her, it probably wasn't hers. Unlike her jean that hugged her every curve, her shirt hanged loosely on her body, it made her look smaller than she was. He wondered if his shirt would look the same on her, if it would make her look even smaller or if it would hug her just a bit better, if it would carry her smell afterwards. Then he remembered, he had the clothes for her to borrow. As if on cue, she turned around and he extended the shirt and a football shorts — The bathroom's there if you want to change.

She took the clothes from him and looked towards the door he was pointing at — Thanks. — she chimed before walking past him towards the bathroom.

If she was being honest with herself she felt bummed out that he hadn't made a move on her. He wasn't even stealing glances of her like he did every other day. It made her sad. She would always try to convince herself that those glances meant nothing, but given how she felt when they were gone meant that she was wrong. They meant something, at least to her.

Her still hazy brain made her eyes hurt when she turned on the lights of the bathroom. White walls made it even harder to bare the bright lights as it reflected them around the room. She changed into his clothes without thinking much of it until she looked in the mirror. She was at his professor's house, in his bathroom, wearing his clothes, that smelled like him and his lavender soap. The shirt was soft and it hanged loosely on her shoulders while the short had a more synthetic softness to it and the elastic on the waistband made it stay in place even if it fitted her a bit loose. She hesitated but ended up taking off her bra, thinking of wanting to sleep comfortably that night.

She checked her face in the mirror. Slightly smudged make up, sleepy and bloodshot eyes, regular imperfections on her skin, the way her nose grew wider at the bottom and how her hair looked a bit frizzy at that moment made her grunt. Her self-esteem, deflated by the lack of advances on Ian's side, and alcohol that was faltering in her brain made her exaggerate every single one of those perceived flaws. She stood up straight and looked down to her body, starting to lift her shirt to see her body underneath it. She stopped, knowing she would get too in her own head about her appearance and what she hated about her body and face, knowing that would make her too self-conscious about her body to behave normally. She stepped out of the bathroom, her clothes in hand, and saw Duncan leaving some blankets on top of the couch.

— Thank you for the change of clothes.

— You're welcomed. — he said, almost having to tear his eyes away from her body and stay on her face. Something about her wearing his clothes would have driven him insane if he would stop to really think about it. Which he would surely do the night after — You can leave yours by the piano. — they both turned to it and saw an empty bottle of rum and another half empty of scotch — Or in the bathroom, if you prefer. — she smiled and turned to the first option. Trying not to watch her walk away he turned towards the kitchen's pantry — Do you want some cheese and crackers?

— Sure. — he heard her say before hearing a few consecutive notes being played after a brief silence. He turned to take the small plate with the three different types of cheese and some saltines to the table and saw her step away from the piano and look a — I'm guessing this isn't decorative and you actually play, right?

He left the plate on the table and looked up to her. He still wasn't over the way that she looked in her shirt, if he'd ever be — Yeah, I play. — he managed to say without having his voice get two eights higher.

— Can I have some evidence to back that claim? — she asked, playful smile on her lips and a pleading look in her eyes. He reluctantly nodded and moved towards the piano.

He sat in front of the spinet piano and started playing slowly. She looked at his fingers roam through the keys. He did had good hands for playing the piano, she noted. His skinny, long and graceful fingers roamed on top the piano, cursing through the keys without much trouble, playing a quiet and somber melody. It reminded her of home, even if no one in her house ever played the piano.

— Where did you learned?

— The man who owned the pub where my mother worked taught me some. Mostly songs for me to play when it wasn't too crowded. — he spoke, letting his rhythm fault a little as he focused on the conversation, yet, he still played, like if it was second nature. She saw the space that was left on the chair he was sitting in and tempted herself with the thought of sitting on it, so close next to him. But she decided against it, choosing to lean against the wall next to the piano, to Ian's left, looking at him as he played — Then, when I came here, my grandparents made me take classes. So, I know a bit more now.

— For how long was that?

— Up until uni. — he said, his eyes going from her face to the keys as he spoke. They stayed silent for a few seconds, feeling comfortable with the music coursing thought the air, both listening as Ian played that delicate song.

It was a solemn song. It played slowly and quietly, the ambient feeling more somber as he played. Until a higher pitched noted broke the gloom. The next few dozen seconds, the song felt like the struggle of happiness trying to thrive in the middle of sadness. They both seemed to fight each other in it and it seemed like sadness wouldn't fade, but neither did the cheerfulness of the higher pitch, even if it did quiet down sometime. Was that how he felt? Because it felt really close to what she usually felt, too. She understood, at least she hoped she did. The happy undertone in the sadness of it all. As the song continued so did her thoughts, only those were drifting away.

— Do you miss it? — she asked, seemingly out of the blue.

He curiously looked at her and genuinely asked — What?

— Home. England.

— No. — he hesitated — Yes? A bit. — Ian stopped playing pace by pace a little less until he stopped. He slowly turned to her and she looked at him, he was staring at the floor. Had she asked the wrong question? She wondered up until the moment he looked at her — I'm not sure. — he concluded — I was a child when I was there and it wasn't bad, I remember it fondly. My cousins, my house, the little place where I used to play football with my friends. — he said as he remembered. A nostalgic smile graced his lips but faded a bit after, leaving Alex to long for those dimples that looked so cute on him — But now, whenever I go back it's just... empty. A few of my cousins are still there, my mom. — he shook his head, giving her a bittersweet smile, meeting her eyes instead of his memories — It just isn't the same. And this is home now. I been here for- well, quite a long time, so I don't really miss it like that. — she nodded and looked away, trying to get her head to think straight — Why do you ask?

— I don't know. — she murmured, looking at him and shrugging. Ian didn't say a thing, looking at her for her next words, no rush in his gaze. She stood up and without even thinking it she said — I guess I think my mom misses her home. — she said as she walked to the other side of the couch and sat down. She listened at herself carefully, almost as a spectator to her own words — so I was just wondering how that feels like. I figured you'd knew.

He nodded, standing up from the piano, and walking towards the couch — I can only speak for myself but, it feels like being in a place where you don't know anybody and you want to go back home, to what you know. — she nodded intrigued by his words, he had already sat down almost on the other side of the couch, but it wasn't a big couch — But then you get settled, meet people and start to have a good time so you don't miss it as often or as much.

— That must suck.

— It goes away with time. — he shrugged — Like everything else.

— I don't think that's true. — she doubted — Fear, pain, they don't always go away

He gave her a bittersweet smile — Well, they do, eventually. They're supposed to. — he watched how her thumb cursed back a forward through the same part of her forearm. She seemed to be soothing herself with that. He looked back at her face, trying to sound as comforting as he could — If it doesn't go away as fast as it should is because we don't let it.

He sounded so sweet. It almost shocked her that that was the same man who was shouting at a referee to bite his banger an hour or so earlier. His voice was so shooting right then, so low and somehow both sweet and raspy — Yeah? — she asked, slightly arching both her eyebrows upward. He looked at her like she'd always craved to be looked at. His eyes roaming trough her face and trying not to linger too long on her lips.

A big part of her wanted to kiss him right there but some other part stopped her because, even if she wouldn't admit it to herself, she knew it wouldn't be just physical. It had gone past just physical about three drinking nights before. But even if she wasn't ready to have those types of feeling for him, she had them. And she tried so hard to push them down, to negate and ignore them. And so far she had been good at it, for the most part, being able to just focus on the want rather than the yearning. So she leaned away a little bit, breaking both of them out of their short trance.

He pressed his lips into each other and nodded — I think so. Nothing is stationary.

— Isn't that sad? — she said, leaning further back into the couch and looking at the ceiling — That, no matter what you do, everything's gotta change. — she sounded almost angry at it. Annoyed and frustrated, she sighted and continued — That you can't live the same thing twice and every moment is gone the second you live it.

— I guess it is, innit? — she looked back at him, longing for a little more. He continued — But it makes you appreciate every moment a bit more and all that bullshit, right?

She laughed softly at the bluntness and nodded, smile on her face as she huffed out a sweet — Yeah.

After a few hours of talking, and a few minutes of half asleep, half drunken rambling from both of them, they fell asleep on the couch. Ian was the last to do so, his eyelashes fluttered over his tired eyes as they kept looking at her, her sweet face and how relaxed she looked. He lamented he hadn't kissed her but knew it was for the best. She was drunk and had cried and even talked about his dead father for a bit. She was vulnerable and he didn't feel right taking advantage of that, nor did he wanted to be her big drunken mistake. And he was sure she was looking for nothing more than a one night thing or a more casual just sex type of thing, but he couldn't do that, not with her at least. He figured she didn't want a romantic relationship with him, so he convinced himself to settle for the next great thing, her friendship.

He was the first one to wake up. He saw her sleeping right in front of him, her head laid on the back of the couch, her whole body leaning against it and hugging the big pillow in front of her. He smiled. For the first time in over five years the first thing he did in the morning was smile. Unlike any other morning, he stood up and went to the kitchen to get some breakfasts ready even if it was probably nearer to lunch time than breakfast. He put the kettle on as he wondered what they could eat.

— Good morning. — Alex's voice made him turn around and inadvertently smile.

— Hi. I'm sorry, did I wake you?

She yawned a little and then gave him a soft smile. He had woke her up but she didn't mind, luckily her head wasn't hurting all that much that day — It's alright. — she stretched her back, she hadn't slept in the best position but she could handle the discomfort on her neck.

He saw her go towards him in the kitchen and asked — Tea or coffee?

—Tea, thanks. — she smiled and took a seat at the breakfast table — What are we having?

— I have no idea. — she smiled and he did, too.

An idea came to her mind — I can do pancakes. — she offered — As a thank you for letting me stay the night.

— I don't think I have what you need.

— I can do them Argentinan style. It's so much easier. And better. — he chuckled at the final clarification — You got flour?

He checked the pantry and grabbed the flour — Surprisingly so. — he checked the expiration date — And it isn't even expired.

— Great. — she smiled — Cooking oil?

— Yeah. — he grabbed it from the top cupboard, leaving it next to the flour.

— Milk? — he hummed in affirmation and went to the fridge to grab it — Two eggs? — he nodded as he took those and the milk out of the fridge and put them the in the counter — And margarine?

He checked the fridge and shook his head — Sorry, I don't have that.

— Butter?

— That I do. — he said, getting it out of the fridge.

—Ok, then. — she stood up — Prepare yourself to eat the best pancakes of at least this week.

He chuckled and gave her the space to work, finding the stuff she needed to cook and making the tea as she prepared the Argentinean style pancakes. He was a bit distracted by how cute she looked when she was cooking, how she seemed so comfortable to be cooking at his place, wearing his clothes and using his slippers that he had insisted she wear so she wouldn't get a cold.

Only when she was done and they were both seating on the breakfast table did he realized — They look like the ones we ate back in England. — he said, pleasantly surprised.

— Really?

— Yeah. I always had them for my birthday.

She smiled — Well, happy birthday then. — he smiled back, dimples melting her for a moment — I'm not sure if they're all the same thought. Try them.

He grabbed one and saw she had put only jam and sugar on the table, so he went to the fridge to grab a lemon. Alex watched with curiosity as he got his pancake ready — Sugar and lemon? — he looked at her, nodding confused as it was obvious for him — It should be just sugar, you weirdo. — she teased.

— You're kidding, right? Lemon and sugar it's the best way to eat them.

She teased, hesitated and ended up trying them. Just as he tried them with just sugar — It's not bad. — she said. They both liked the new style but preferred to keep it the way they were familiar with.

When they were done with the food they went to get Ian's car from the bar. She had to return his clothes and put hers back on. She found herself missing their warmth and soft smell of him they carried.

Once they both entered the car they realized he had to take her back to her place. Both of them were tempted to stretch the meeting longer. Maybe get some actual lunch, some coffee, maybe ice cream. Both of them decided against it, knowing there wasn't any excuse to keep it going. And that was what she always needed, an excuse. Being drunk, needing a ride. Anything to delay facing her feelings, anything not to admit that she actually liked being with him.

He looked over to her as he drove. He had given her a ride enough times to know the road there so she was just humming along to the music of the radio. What would he do after she was gone? It was an odd question but it was the only question his mind would articulate. What would he do? Probably drink, maybe practice some piano. Probably just drink. So he focused on how she murmured some of the lyrics and smile at how she would change stations as soon as the commercial would come on. It landed on a old song they both liked and they sang it together.

A few minutes after it was over Ian pulled up in front of her house.

Alex stayed still for a moment, lingering on a goodbye. She didn't really wanted to go home. She never did. But where else could she go?

He watched her go and felt the car as empty as it had ever been. He really needed that drink.

Chapter Text

Alex walked through the party with her cup filled with beer. It was a milkshake cup, like the one's on dinners, but it was a mock one made of plastic and it had a red, plastic straw in it. She was looking for her shoes, she had given them to Vicky to hold them for a moment and after fifteen minutes Vicky had already lost them. She sighted, she wasn't going to find them until the party was over, if even then. And that sucked because those were very nice heels she had used just a few times.

She gave up after walking in circles through the library half a dozen times. Hoping that if she could stay until the end of the party she could find them then. She leaned against a wall and started drinking from the plastic straw, trying to think of a place that she hadn't looked yet where her shoes could be.

Before she could think of anything she hadn't thought of before she was ambushed by a man in a all black spandex doing a weird snake-like noises. He lifted the helmet display revealing Abed's face. Troy appeared behind him in a homemade yellow costume making mechanical noises as Abed took a quick look at her costume.

— Mia Wallace. — she nodded even though it wasn't a question — Nice.

She looked at them for a bit longer than Abed had done with her — Ellen Ripley, Xenomorph. — they smiled at each other, happy to be recognized — Cute.

— Thank you. — they said at the same time.

— Any chance you saw Mia Wallace's shoes. — she asked Abed since Troy had gotten almost immediately distracted, looking at his surroundings for something.

— No. — he tightened his lips a little in a "sorry" kind of way.

— It's alright. — she shrugged — Goes with the costume. — he gave her a finger gun a wink accompanied with a clicking sound from his mouth.

Before they could continue Troy tapped Abed's shoulder — Abed. Hot girls by the drinks. — Abed looked and nodded when they looked at each other  — Just like we practiced.

— Okay. — he lowered the helmet screen and made some more noises at her before walking away fully on character.

She chuckled to herself — Bye guys. — she took a sip from her beer and decided to head out and grab a smoke.

She went to the entrance of the library, chilly air brushing against her skin and creeping into her lungs. She looked for her cigarettes in the back pocket of her jeans and got them out before sitting down on the concrete stairs, only tumbling slightly as she did. She took one out and started smoking, she was bored out of her mind. She couldn't really get drunk without having to hear about Shirley's church's AA meetings the day after like last time she saw her had seen her drunk. She thought about going home but she remembered her shoes, she would have to stay all night if she wanted a chance at getting them back. She leaned into the column that was on her left and watched the people walking by. Drinking and smoking, she started to mentally rate their costumes.

When she was down to half her drink and lighting a new cigarette, she heard someone say — That will kill you. — she turned to the familiar voice, facing a tipsy Ian on a very dumb and quite plain Dracula costume. She smirked and rated it a five out of ten, just because he looked cute in it.

— It's got nothing on you and your drinking. — she teased back, looking away as he walked down a few steps.

— Drinking won't kill me. — he assured before taking a sip of his red cup, which she was sure had scotch in it. Maybe gin and tonic. He sat down next to her, leaving a couple of inches of free space between them.

— Tell that to your liver. — she wittedly replied, a teasing smile on her lips as she took another sip through the straw. It reminded him of the first time they spoke. Her index finger and thumb pressing down on the plastic tube, eyes on him, red tainted lips sipping from the straw behind a sly smile.

He stopped himself, looking away for a moment.

— My liver can handle. — he assured her and took a sip from his drink. He looked back at her, a small and playful smile on his face — Yours isn't far behind, anyway.

She smiled — Well, at least I don't do embarrassing things in front of the whole campus. — she teased and he crooked his head with curiosity, the ghost of a smile lingering on his lips. What had she seen him do? — Do I have to remind you of; — she cleared her throat preparing herself and left her drink right next to her tight— "My name is Ian Duncan and I'm here to say-" — he shook his head for a moment of disbelief as she tried to remember the rest. Covering his face with his free hand as she continued — "I'm going to rap to the beat in a rappy way. I got a-"

— No. — he stopped her, covering her mouth with the hand that was just on his face, letting her see a tint of embarrassment passing through his cheeks — No, no. — he felt her lips tough lightly upwards under his hand. A titillating feeling that only made him want to have his lips take the place of his hand, just to kiss her, to study her lips so closely and thoroughly that he would be able to draw them by memory — No need to- — he gave a short and soft chuckle at the memory and the few words he was prohibiting her to say — No need to remind me. — he assured, equally embarrassed and amused by the memory.

Alex nodded softly. Her big eyes were looking up at him and the black hair of her wig moved as she did. He smiled loosely at her response, slowly taking his hand away from her lips, a tiny smear of her red lipstick staying in the palm of his hand.

She smiled, deciding to keep teasing him just a bit more. Maybe -just maybe- she wanted him to shut her up again — I would've loved to hear the rest of that masterpiece.

She took a drag from her cigarette as he gave her a quick snort — You might be lucky and get to hear it tonight. — there was a small hush, both of them smiling and drinking the liquid courage they so desperately needed — So, what are you doing here? — he asked after enough sips of his drink.

— I like to stay in character but I can't smoke inside. — she deadpanned, blowing the smoke from her lungs right after — What about you?

— Jeff invited me but I think it was to have me standing next to him and make him and his six thousand dollars suit look even better beside this. — he said in a nice mood in spite of the topic, nonchalantly pointing at himself at the end. He shrugged — So, why comply?

— For whatever it's worth, I rather this — she pointed at all of him with the hand that was holding her cigarette — over the six thousand dollars showoff in there.

He raised his eyebrows, unable to believe her but not wanting her to call her a liar. However he tried not to show his surprise in his voice when he replied — Really?

— Yeah. — she smiled, looking at him as she explained — Six thousand dollars suit to a community college party? He's trying too hard. — she looked away, staring at her glass as she lazily stated — Dracula may be a bit too common and low effort, but you look cute in it. — she took a sip of the beer and then left it back to where it was. Maybe she was more tipsy than she gave herself credit for, she wouldn't have said it otherwise.

Duncan looked at her, baffled and a bit wary as she smoked her cigarette. She thought he looked cute. She thought he looked cute and she was there, saying it. He was sure that if anyone would've ever fancy him, even a little, they wouldn't admit it. He cleared his throat and tried to keep the bafflement out of his voice as he attempted to tease her — So you think I look cute then?

Alex smiled a tint of read making its way to her cheek — Oh, shut up. — she said, lightly kicking his shin with her bare foot. He looked down at her feet, confused by the soft blow he had received.

— Are you barefoot? — he asked even thought he could see her feet without any shoes on them.

She followed his gaze and found her feet, finally processing what he had said — Oh, yeah. No one was recognizing me with them on.

— Aren't you cold? — he asked, after all, it was the middle of fall.

— Yeah, a little. But I lost them, so.— she shrugged, looking away and taking a few more sips from her beer.

— We can look for them. — he offered after a beat, then saying — Or do the dance and make the loss be worth it.

She looked at him and left her drink on the floor — Sure. — she finally said, taking one last drag from her cigarette before standing up. He stood up as she passed her hands through her pants to get rid of some dirt. She straightened up and nodded with a smiled. He started to walk to the party but she stopped him — Where are you going?

He stopped a bit dazzled with her question — To look for the shoes? — he hesitantly answered.

— What? No. We're doing the dance. — she smiled — C'mon.

— Oh, no. — he whispered, slightly regretting his own words.

— I haven't done it yet. — she said, pouting a little for a moment — Please. — she asked. Putting her hands on her hips as she accused him with a — You offered.

He took a breath and nodded — Okay.

She did a tiny up and down in celebration as he walked over her. She started to move her feet and arms, doing the dance without much thought. Ian on the other hand was having a bit of a hard time with his coordination, looking at her, trying to keep up and copy her moves.

She laughed a little — Focus on your steps, not on me. — she said, noting he was having a hard time following her moves.

— It's a bit hard not to. — he murmured. She smiled and blushed a little, that had been a bit smoother than she had thought it would be.

She laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation and of his dance, stopping for a moment to look at him. He stopped after a few seconds, realizing she was no longer dancing. She smiled at his confusion — C'mon, leave the cup, I'll show you. — she moved towards him and extended her hands. Even if she wouldn't admit it to herself she knew what she was doing, and what she was hoping for.

Realizing one of his hands was busy with his cup, he took the rest of the liquid in a swing and threw the plastic cup behind him.

She grabbed his hands as she did the dance, taking control over the movements of his arms. He still wasn't getting it right. She looked up to him — Just focus on your legs, I got the rest. — he nodded, a bit petrified by her closeness, her touch and the faint smell of scotch and beer she carried in her breath. She looked back down to their feet and he did the same — Ok, now, with the right. Your right. — she started to slowly move her foot — Twist, twist, twist. — she marked a slow beat and he was following just fine. She smiled — And we're passing to the left. — he followed with some trouble but did it — Twist, twist. And we do what we did before.

They did that just fine for a little more but when she tried to pick up the pace he couldn't seem to coordinate his feet. They laughed as they slowly stopped what they were doing — I guess I'm just not made for dancing. — he laughed out, a little embarrassed of his terrible dancing skills.

— I guess not. — she said with a smile, looking at his face with her head slightly crooked, trying to meet his gaze.

Their hands were still intertwined and he was sure Alex was getting closer to him. He looked up from the floor to her face, finding her so near that it caught his breath. And she was giving him this look that had something that looked hope-like and said something he couldn't quite decipher. She smiled softly, inadvertently looking down at his lips and then back at his eyes. He couldn't resist it. He closed in on the distance, his lips desperately meeting with hers. She quickly let go of his hands and placed them on the back of his head, slightly standing on her tiptoes and returning the kiss just as eagerly as he had kissed her. He put his hands on her waist and pulled her closer against him. He deepened the kiss, pressing her body against his, and as he did that he heard a drowned yelp of surprise.

They parted a little and she gave out a shaky breath that made his insides quiver — God. — he breathed out and he looked down at her, lip slightly parted and an expecting look on her face. He couldn't believe that that look was meant for him. That her lips had just kissed his. That his kiss and touch had led her to sight. That she was leaning towards him to kiss him again.

He was out of words so he acted on what he wanted to say. Keeping his eyes on hers he slowly made them walk towards the column behind her, she followed suit to his movements, inherently understanding what he wanted to do. He locked her slightly shorter frame between the wall and his body. He wanted to touch and kiss every part of her, every inch of her skin. He wanted to feel her warmth, her lust and, if it was possible, her love. He wanted to take everything she wanted to give him and to give her everything she would take from him. Too caught up in the excitement of touching her, of having her so close, of being able to kiss her, he started to inadvertently prey on her lips, just for a moment. Not long after, he snapped out of it and started kissing her hungrily once again.

His kiss was fueled with adoration and an inexorable lust with her on the receiving end of it, and she was loving the feeling of it. She absentmindedly hooked her left leg to his waist and he got closer, pressing her against the wall. She moaned softly and it caught his breath. His instincts hit quickly after and he went for her neck. Kissing it with open mouthed kisses before starting to suck and nibble her skin. She reacted by pressing harder against him and swearing under her breath. He somehow knew what she wanted and liked, it was said in some sort of subliminal conversation that they both were taking part of.

She worried for a moment about who could see them there and what they would think, but the way that his hands touched her body and his mouth sucked on the skin of her neck made her forget about the world. And the soft moan she let out at the feeling of his teeth biting down her neck made them ignore the screaming from the girl whose neck was getting bit by Leonard.

Chapter Text

They overheard people screaming from the party and dismissed it as drunken idiots having a good time, too focused on each other's lips and bodies to care for the rest of the world. Her lips trembled as he stopped for a moment to give her whispered praises before crashing back into her lips. He was touching her so delicately yet so hungrily, kissing her with so much passion and care. It only made her want him more.

She heard a pair of boots running towards the party as she made him lean further into her and decided to block the rest of the world's sound, only focusing on the two of them. That was until someone screamed directly at them.

— Hey! — she heard the dean scream at them and she stopped kissing her professor and unhooked her leg from his hip, making him aware of the new situation — You two. — Ian closed his eyes as if he was in pain, cursing in his head. Ian slowly turned around and looked at the Dean. He did a few faces as he registered what he was seeing, looking at them before nearly screaming a high pinched — Duncan?! — he stopped them and himself from talking with a flick of his wrist and his palm extended in the air — I can't deal with this right now. — he murmured before looking at them, dead serious — Have any of you eaten the taco meat or got bitten? Be honest.

— No. — they both said, confused, but Ian did a double take — Sorry, did you say got bitten?

— Yeah, people are biting and infecting each other because of the meat the I bought. Big deal. — he said, nonchalantly — The real problem here is whatever the hell was that the two of you were doing?!

Alex frowned — Wait- people are what now?

— Don't change the subject. — he warned — I have to dean with what I saw. — he stopped and turned to Ian, putting one hand on his right hip — You were kissing her!

— No, I wasn't.

Alex looked at him and then at the Dean, both too busy in their confrontation to look at her. She did not understand what was happening. Why them kissing was such a big deal? Sure they were doing stuff that weren't entirely rated for general audiences but she was sure that wasn't it, it felt like she was missing something.

— Yes you were. I saw it! — he paused, incredulous — You have her lipstick all over your face. — he looked at her and changed his attitude to an impressed one — And it is still on your lips. — he frowned slightly — Did you reapply that?

— No. — she answered, confused by his question, Ian's answer and the people screaming inside the library. It couldn't be happening. Half of it didn't made sense, mainly the sick people biting stuff.

— Wow, — he smiled and looked a Duncan by reflex before quickly looking back at her, nodding — that is some lipstick. Where did you get it?

— Does it matter? — she snapped — There are zombies or people with, like, rabies in there or something. — she said, pointing at the library in disbelief.

— Yes it does, and you can tell me later. — he dismissed her and stopped for a moment — Look, this — he pointed alternatively at each of them with a disapproving look — cannot happen.

She frowned, taking a step towards him, not letting him say whatever the fuck he wanted to say — Why not? I know you got forms for this kind of things. — she crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at him with a conflicted look — Everyone knows about Winger and Slater.

— Well, that was because neither of them had a record. — the Dean turned to look at Ian, who was being strangely quiet since the discussion started — You already knew this Duncan. — the professor looked down but didn't let his head fall, he wasn't defeated but knew he couldn't meet Alex's gaze.

— What? — she questioned looking at them back and forward until she accepted Ian was not going to look at her — A- — she paused for half a second, trying to set things straight on her mind — A record?

The Dean hesitated and looked at Duncan — Do you want to tell her, Ian, or should I? — Ian looked up but didn't say anything, only glancing at Alex ever so often. Pelton sighted and shook his head — Alright. He-

He panicked. He should be the one to say it — I- I've slept with other students. — Alex looked confused, insulted and then mad, like she was about to slap him or run off, maybe both. He quickly realized what he had said and put his hands with the palms out in front of him, shaking his head — Not lately! — he tried to fix it but it still didn't sounded right — I mean- — he paused for a second. He should probably start from the beginning. Maybe he could say it in a way she would understand something he had yet understand about himself. Maybe she would understand that he was a selfish narcissist asshole but didn't really mean to. He breathed out — A long time ago, when I started working here. I guess the accent helped with things and- Well, it was messy. — he stopped talking even if he had barely stringed a sentence together. He knew he'd come out as an asshole anyway so he didn't tried to turn the story in his favor. Worst of it all was the way she was looking at him, wary, distrustful. It hurt him deep and it made his insides twist and turn with a phantom pain. So he stopped, his mouth shut and his eyes not meeting hers.

Pure silence, except from the groaning from the people -zombies?- Inside and the faint sound of some Abba song.

He looked hurt and ashamed and she couldn't really understand what he had meant. What did messy mean? She didn't want to think badly of him. She liked to think she knew him, and most of all, she liked to think she was a good judge of character. Yes, he was probably depressed and was definitely and alcoholic, but so was she. He didn't seemed to be the guy to do a actual bad thing with full intent. He seemed, to her at least, the type of guy who would unintentionally do kind of a bad thing out of ignorance or selfishness, maybe almost do a bad thing but retract before doing it because he finds out he's not as morally bankrupted as he thought he was. But he was a man and men were idiots, so she kept her options open as she looked at the Dean for answers.

Craig sighted, ready to let a summarized version of the worst start of a new semester of classes he had ever had the displeasure of controlling, and that was saying a lot for Greendale — He dated three student simultaneously and he was the psychologist of one. — that was bad, but not as bad it could've been. He was unintentionally bad because he was being selfish — She broke his car and tried to set his office on fire. — he paused as she tried to process that — The other two didn't care as much but they did some... — he tried to find the right words — public vengeance, if you will. — she looked at Ian. What did that mean? — So, yeah, things got really messy.

All of them let the words sit in the air for a moment.

Dean Pelton knew there wasn't much left for him to say, surely it was most of it out in the open. Even if she could somehow look past that, they couldn't date. That was that. So he checked his phone for the time. Calculating how long the Army would take to arrive.

Duncan couldn't even look up. Afraid of the look she would be wearing. He had found that her eyes could be so expressive. It had left him amazed when she was exited -he was sure they could lit up an entire room-, happy -they could knock out the air out of his lungs- or even with that glimmer of something hope-like he had found a couple of times -that one could almost have him kiss her on the spot, and had already made him do it by then.

Alex, however, was thinking. He had dated students before. Three. At the same time. That was a red flag. More than that. Those were three red flags, all tied together and waving in front of her. He probably had slept with some other students. Was that a pattern? Maybe it was a thing for him. Student-teacher fantasy but a bit worse because it was for real. A thought popped into her mind; had he ever traded grades for sex? That was another kind of bad. Like, actual morally bankrupt type of bad.

It was too much, too soon, or maybe not soon enough. Because it hurt that it was right then, right when she was letting her walls down for him. It hurt that he was not what she thought. And it hurt more because she liked him. She hated having to admit it but she did. She liked him. And it wasn't just physical or driven by the excitement of a "forbidden" relationship. She liked him. His jokes, his weird smooth-like awkwardness, his accent, his smile, his loneliness, the way they could just talk and drink and the way he would look at her, like if she was something he could cherish so dearly. But now it seemed to be all twisted and wrong. Part of a stupid thing he apparently had for college girls who wanted to fuck their professor — So this is like a thing for you, then? — she bluntly stated what was on her mind.

She sounded betrayed. And she was. Hurt, anger and something he couldn't quite put his finger on took over her eyes. It caught him by surprise, all of his blood rushed down to his feet, like if he was about to flee. But he didn't let himself do it. Instead he tried to make it right

— What? No! — he begged, feeling sick to the idea she had made of him. He pressed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to think — It just- I — he stuttered silently, unable to phrase his thoughts. He stopped and started again, looking at her general direction but not meeting her gaze — I was young, and lonely, and they wanted me, and I did a very stupid and fucking selfish thing, but this isn't a thing for me. — He tried to explain, feeling like shit that this was the way she was finding out. He hoped he would've had the chance to tell her on his own terms, even if he knew he was too much of a coward and too selfish to risk what they had over the truth — Fuck. — he mumbled before looking at her straight in the eye with an amount of emotion he didn't think he was able to display.

Alex's face softened. All the distress on his voice and the pain in his eyes made the ache in her insides shift, she wasn't hurting from his lack of honesty anymore, now it was for him. She was hurting because he was. She hated it, it was fucked up, but she didn't try to stop it. She knew she couldn't.

— I- I wish I wasn't your teacher. — he stated, looking at her with a apologetic look as her silence rested heavy on his chest — Everyday I wish I had met you at a bar, or a coffee shop or anywhere else and that you still had noticed me and asked for my number just so this wouldn't be so... — he sighted, looking down feeling so tired, his chest riddled with anxiety and sorrow, — so fucking messy.

In the silence that was born out of that repeated word they heard screams coming from the library. It was the non-zombie kind of screaming, so they knew it was their friends. They stopped for a second, all of their eyes on the door.

— We should help. — she said, taking a faint step toward the door. Ian feared for her and was about to stop her when the Dean spoke.

— The army said to keep them in quarantine until they get here. We shouldn't come in.

She looked at him incredulously — The army? — she asked and without thinking much followed up with a confused — What branch?

— That is your concern?

— I don't know! — the Dean complained, distressed as the idea was settling in — The army. — he placed, checking his cell phone — They'll be here in five hours.

— Are we supposed to just let them stay there and do nothing? — she complained, guilt and impatience eating her up inside.

— We can- — Ian intervened, looking at her with a pleading look — We can try and figure this out.

— There is nothing to figure out here! — the Dean stated — You are not going to date her. — Ian turned, looking tired of listening to his voice, as he warned — If you do I'll have to fire you.

— Oh, come on! — Ian complained in a child-like manner that would've amused Alex any other day, but she was in no mood to be amused.

— I'm serious, Duncan. — he warned and Ian let out a few exasperated noises.

Alex sighed — No need to fire him, Dean, — she said, strangely calm, but sounding disappointed and tired, like she was about to tell everyone to fuck off — we're done.

— What? — Ian asked, entirely caught off guard, but was ignored.

— Now, if you say that and then I find you two sneaking around, there will be some serious consequences for the both of you. — threatened Pelton and she tiredly rolled her eyes.

— I'm serious, Dean. — she said, feeling the burning gaze of Duncan on the side of her face but not facing him — We're done.

— Alright then, — he chimed — one problem solved.

She nodded slowly and then walked away, going back to the place she had started this whole thing in, the stairs. She lit a cigarette, hoping and needing to hear Ian's steps walking towards her, even if it was the last thing she wanted. But she felt her heart sink every second that he stayed still. She wanted him to fight for her. After a long time, she felt wanted by someone she wanted and she didn't want to lose it.

Ale hated the way he made her feel. It had been so long that she had lost control of her own feelings. She hated it. She couldn't get them off of her even if she kept listing to herself the many reasons why it wouldn't work, why it could be bad for her, and why she shouldn't. But she still hoped to hear his footsteps

Luckily for her heart, she got to hear him walking toward her when she was halfway through the cigarette. She sighed. Duncan sat down next to her but didn't utter a word for a long moment. Still, she knew he wanted to say something, maybe he was trying to figure out what.

As she was taking in the second to last puff of the cigarette he let the words out — So that's it, then?

She felt his words sting in her heart and chest, he was hurting and she felt so guilty — Ian-

— Please tell me. — he stopped her, knowing she wasn't going to explain it unless he asked, so he almost begged her.

She took her last drag and put out the cigarette on the cement, she knew what she was going to say but she hated to say it. She let the smoke out and said — I like you but, even if I could look past it, I'm not going to have you get fired for this.

Ian looked at her with confusion and sadness — Why not?

She gave a soft snort at his response, looking at him incredulously — Because it's ridiculous. — she stated, looking at him as if to say "I'm not the crazy one here". Her mannerisms and voice strong and rushed — This isn't even a thing. We don't know if it would last or even be worth it.

He softened his look and she mirrored him — It is worth it. — he waited for a second, trying to see her reaction but her expression was blank as if she couldn't really understand him. He licked his lips, looking away for a moment — A chance at this, a chance with you, it's worth losing my job at this second-hand community college. — when he finally faced her he noted her face was wearing some disbelief so he reassured her — It is, for me it is.

Her lip was quivering softly and her eyes darted on his face — I- — she tried to speak but got nowhere. She kept looking at him. The sincere look on his eyes, the hope he was wearing in his eyes, his hair that she had made so messy, the dimples that somehow showed up even when he was talking, even if he just had the faintest smile. He made her feel weak inside, and the way that he wanted her so openly made her feel so exposed and vulnerable but unafraid. She hadn't felt that way in so long and couldn't handle it. She solemnly shook her head — I don't want it. — it was quiet but he heard it. It was some sort of default answer. Like a picky eater after being offered a new food to try; her default was no, and that broke his heart — It's- It's too much pressure. — she continued, still shaking her head, feeling so much of herself crumble down — I'm sorry. — she walked away, trying to see through her blurry vision. She sat at the green table a few feet from the entrance, turning her back on him just to hide her sadness. She didn't even know her feelings were as fatal as they seemed to be right then. She wondered since when had he become a piece of her, and why did she note it so much now that it seemed to be gone.

She didn't let herself cry, not really. Whenever her sobbing started she insulted herself out of it, calling herself weak and everything that went down from there. However, she couldn't do much for the ache on her chest. She wasn't one to easily start trusting someone but something about Duncan made her feel easy and safe. And she realized she hadn't felt as unsafe as she was feeling in that moment, so far away from him. She wanted to be back in his arms, to have his breathing meet against her own, to have his hands touching her and his lips kissing hers as she rejoiced in the safety of his arms.

But she couldn't.

She didn't let herself do it. She was on the edge of something, of a chance, but she was too afraid to do anything about it. It was too much for her to be vulnerable and say "Yes, I want this. I want you. Let's do it". She had trained herself not to do it, not to say what she wanted, not to try and get it. She understood that doing it was giving the universe a free entry to rip her heart out of her chest and throw it away. It was giving up too much power, too much of herself to something that was out of her control.

So she tried to think of something else; like the library full of sick people. She really tried to think about it but her mind was fighting back on the topic. Yes, there was a library full with zombie-like people, biting each other and they didn't know if they were going to be alright. She knew many of them and there were even friends trapped in there. She was worried but her brain kept pushing her thoughts back to Duncan, back to her feelings, back to the way he kissed her and the way he looked as she told him she didn't want it, she didn't want him. Maybe it was because the idea of real life zombies was too much to phantom, but maybe it was because, since she had learn what was like to have him, he was the only thing on her mind now that he was missing.

Ian had sat there as she walked away from him. Trying to understand, trying to pick up the pieces of himself. He had been as sincere and vulnerable as he had ever willingly been and she said she didn't want it, that it was too much. And his insides twisted and turned and stabbed him in the core of his being and he couldn't have hated it more.

He stayed there, wallowing in his misery, until he remembered this had been a party not long ago and he had filled his flask with scotch right before going outside to see her. He ached a bit to the recent memory and grabbed the alcohol from his pants. He took a long swing from his drink, focusing on the burning on his throat instead of the ache on his chest. He absentmindedly stood up and walked away, laying his back against the cold wall and his eyes on the spot where he was sitting.

The pain kept him drinking, knowing he wanted the buzz to take over him, to take over every other feeling in his body. But the effect wasn't acting fast enough; he felt strangely naked and vulnerable, something he wasn't used to feeling. Usually he was protected by sheer disinterest, sarcasm and a fair amount of alcohol. But, that night, all three of his comfort blankets were gone and he was left cold and alone in the dark. Feeling every emotion he had ever tried avoid feeling, but, more importantly, that lonesome feeling he was long acquainted with was bigger than it had ever been.

His eyes darted around to look for the large white dress shirt and the girl who was wearing it, because, even if it hurt, it brought him a warm feeling that had just become a bit bittersweet, and was becoming more so by the second. And there she was, sitting at the green table, hair messy and free of the wig, her arms around her own body. And as the bittersweet took over him, his partially drunken self focused on the sweet for a moment, on the memory of the feeling. But as he saw her hide her face in her hands the moment died out, the present made itself be remembered, the bitter feeling overtaking him. He took a long swing of the scotch, trying not to feel what they were both feeling.

— You have a problem with that. — he heard the Dean say and he felt all of his body burn with annoyance and sudden anger.

He put the flask down and swallowed the liquid on his mouth, very much ready to tell him off — Oh, you think I don't fucking know that? I got a Psychology doctorate and a fucking functioning brain. — he said, sounding more annoyed than just angry. He put the lid on the flask as he prepared to say some more — Oh, I have an alcoholic dependency? Holy shit, I hadn't realized. — he said, deadpan yet sarcastic to a painful degree — Thanks Dean, I guess I'll go cure myself now, you fucking prick.

Craig was a bit startled, to say the least, and looked a bit sad, he didn't like to be screamed at and couldn't handle it all too well. He looked at the floor for a moment and said — No need to be so aggressive. — he looked at Ian with a bit more authority, he paced a hand on his hips and looked at him as if he was about to scold him — And you can't talk to me like that, Duncan. I'm your boss.

Ian snorted in disbelief, looking away — Oh, for fuck's sake! — he nearly screamed at the air and then looked back at his boss — Are we really counting everything as the apocalypse starts? — he said, annoyed beyond his natural capability — Who gives a shit about the zombies!? I told the Dean to go fuck himself, that's the real issue here!

Pelton looked at him, trying to look stern and a bit threatening but not quite accomplishing it — Look, I-! — Troy showed up behind Duncan, shirtless and distressed, startling both of the faculty members. More like startling Ian and scaring Craig. The Dean shouted as he got his pepper spray out of his pocket and pointed it at Troy. He walked towards him and past Duncan — Okay. Troy, be honest. Are you a zombie? — he said and immediately threatened — I will mace you.

— Give me the keys. — Troy asked, sounding tired and sad, he looked as if he had lost everything. And Ian recognized the look in Troy's eyes, it was almost the same one he was wearing. Ian's eyes went immediately to Alex. She wasn't paying attention to them, she probably hadn't realized Troy was there — People are gonna get brain damage if someone doesn't help. — Alex would want to help, Ian knew it but didn't do anything about it. He wanted her safe, he didn't want to be carrying the sadness and desperation that Troy was.

— Troy, there is something called chain of command, so, unfortunately-

Ian escaped his thoughts when Craig fell down in front of him and Troy reached for the keys tied to the Lady Gaga costume. The young man stood up and looked at him, waiting for him to do something but Ian stood still. And as the Dean screamed at him about being crazy Troy just said — Dude. — without any question, Ian moved out of his way, raising his hands a bit as if he had no say in the matter at all.

Troy went to open the gate but stopped when the Dean desperately asked — How are you gonna survive the zombies?

— I'm gonna be a nerd. — he said before opening the gate.

— Better have a plan B! — Craig screamed but Troy was already in, closing the doors behind him. Ian looked at Alex again. She hadn't moved, elbows on the green table and hands on her face, almost facing the floor. It worried him how she could be so absent even when there were people screaming and punching each other twenty feet from her.

He saw the Dean shake the dirt off his costume, saying how glad he was that his pantyhose hadn't been ripped.

Ian sighted, and called for him, a tired and pleading look on his eyes — Can we just have this one night? Just- — he breathed out — Please? — Pelton crooked his head. Duncan sounded sincere, which was very uncommon, especially for the Dean to see — There are people biting each other right on the other side of that door because of the food you gave them and the army is coming. So, can you please just let us have this for tonight?

Craig looked at him and then at the door where a few zombified Greendale students wandered. He closed his eyes for a moment and nodded reluctantly — Alright. — Ian looked at him in disbelief, Pelton stopped him, laying some ground rules — Just until the army gets here. And you can't leave! — he said — They told me to keep the perimeter tight.

Ian nodded, trying to prepare himself, his heart beating fast and with joy. He stopped himself and looked at him — Thanks. — he said, sincerely, giving him a short nod.

Craig smiled like he did when he was feeling included and surprised, which Ian didn't even see because his focus was Alex, he had a bit less than four hours with her and he wouldn't waste one more minute — Oh, it's nothing. — the dean said as Ian started walking away.

Duncan's palms were a bit sweaty as he walked toward her. He stared at the back of her neck and saw her softly run her hands through her hair and sight, and he did the same to relax. He quickly decided to just sit beside her on the table's bench. She turned to him. He noted her eyes were a bit red and some of her makeup was smudged. The sight she gave made his chest sink.

He kept looking at her tired eyes and she furrowed her brow a little as he tried to gather the courage to touch her face again.  She looked confused but didn't say anything as he took her jaw in his right hand and caressed the side of it as started to move towards her. Her eyes fluttered shut as he got near. She moved ever so slightly towards him and he stopped for half a second to see her, so willing, so vulnerable, so beautiful.

She faintly heard the shopping list on the Dean'splaylist fade into ABBA's "When I Kissed The Teacher". It seemed beyond just coincidence. And she would've laughed but the touch of Ian's lips took all of her attention away from all other senses.

He kissed her softly at first. Taking the time he hadn't taken before. He kissed her sweetly, gently placing his other hand on the back of her hand and slowly moving it upwards through her arm, feeling her soft, vanilla-scented skin against his fingertips. He felt her warm lips softly returning the kiss. And as they shared that closed-mouthed kiss he realized how truly lonely he had been and how jaded his feeling were. He had forgotten how it felt to be wanted more than just sexually and the sweet reminder she was giving him made his heart twinge in a good way, like getting a splinter off. It hurt but it brought relief.

Alex gently intertwined her hand in his hair and he forced himself to drown the small whimper her actions provoked. He deepened the kiss and transformed it into an open-mouthed one. And, even if it was filled with passion, it was slow and intimate, like a love confession from one friend to another. It slowed the time around them and it made it go faster all the same. Slowly but surely they started to pick up a pace but she stopped it into a halt when she remembered the Dean's threat. She looked at him, getting ready to talk, but she never got to; he knew what she was going to say and he already had an answer — It's just for tonight. — he said. It was almost a promise, a promise that he hated to make.

She gave him a sorry excuse for a smile that turned sour almost immediately, and then nodded shortly, almost to herself.

After a short solemn moment she turned her body towards him and slowly preyed on his lips. She knelt on her seat to get closer. Softly she rested her hands on his shoulders and he closed his eyes. He wanted to feel her close once more. He waited for her lips to touch his but all he felt was her body positioning itself in on top of him. He opened his eyes a bit surprised. She was straddling him. Her bum was lightly pressed against his thighs, her boobs closer to him and his face that he thought they'd ever be, and her face was a bit more elevated than his, looking slightly down on him. She smiled with a mix of mischief and lust as she leaned towards him, ready to kiss that grin off his face.

And she did just that, getting his mouth to be so busy with kisses and moans that he had no time left to hold up a dumb grin.

He hesitantly placed his hands on her thighs, as if he was afraid of touching her, and she grinded against him to tease him, giving him just enough friction to drive him mad. She smiled whenever a weak moan of a lustful sight escaped his lips. It seemed to be a bit like a drug for her. To make him feel so good that he would lose some control over himself, she had found that it could drive her mad.

She deepened the kiss and tried to stay as close to him as possible, almost trying to link every cell in their bodies. She held herself with one hand on his arm and the other one in the back of his neck. Alex was leading the kiss, it was something new for her but she liked it. She bit his lip and smiled mischievously as she let it go, leaving a small space between them and looking at him playfully.

Duncan was mesmerized, the woman in front of him was too much to take in just one look. Her bruised lips. Her sly smile. Her flustered cheeks. Her tousled brown curly hair. Her light brown eyes that were dwelling on his as she got closer.

She kissed him again, teasing his lips with her tongue, and he couldn't hold himself still. He grabbed her ass with both of his hands and pressed her against him, kissing her roughly and making her moan all at once. And she returned all of this just as much ferociously, tugging his hair a little and biting his lip in the process.

— Oh, ok. — he heard the Dean say and before walking away somewhere, but he couldn't care less because her sweet lips were kissing him, her warm hands were on his hair and both of her legs were straddling him down into the very uncomfortable metal seat. He didn't care about anything else but the woman on top of him. And, Jesus fucking Christ, kissing her was incredible. Beyond anything he would've dreamed of. But the way her body moved against his, the way it felt between his hands, it made him want to do so much more than just kissing and grinding. But they couldn't. Right? He thought about it for a second; they couldn't. Still, he rejoiced his senses with the sweet moans she was giving out, the rough movements her tongue made against his own and the not-too-subtle way her hips swayed forward and backwards. All of it was enough to help him get by with just wanking off to the memory of it for the rest of the year, not that he was new to the field.

And he continued to be kissed by her, letting her surround him with all her warmth and desire that seemed to carry a hint of love. He wondered how he had ever gone so long without any of the things she was giving him. It had been hell. Now that he had it, now that he had her, he wondered if he could ever go without it, if he'd ever want to. He didn't think so, he could barely manage the thought of it. So he tried not to think about it, he tried to focus on the present.

But, and with the future on his mind, he made his duty to leave a couple of noticeable marks for the week ahead. So, since he wasn't going to be able to touch her like that again he would have something of him on her to look at for at least a few days.

— Fuck. — she whimpered and he almost shuddered at the sound.

God, she was so prefect, so gorgeous, so selfless, so fucking good; too good for him, he knew, but he couldn't let her go for the life of him. She was so amazing, and he had been absentmindedly whispering it in her ear — You're so fucking lovely, my dear. — he said before nibbling her earlobe and then going back to her neck.

She smiled sweetly, just for him, even if he couldn't see it, and whispered his name like a prayer, one time for every law of God he made her want to break. And he thanked whoever was in charge of the universe for having him hear his name mouthed by such beautiful lips in a manner that made him feel as if he was blissfully stuck in a dream. He could've stayed there for the rest of his days, kissing and biting her neck as she spoke his name like a mantra, but he realised the slow and lustful movements she was doing with her hips had lead them to the edge of his seat in more than one way. And he softly kissed his way up her jaw as he said — You're gonna have to sit on top of the table now.

She smiled with a soft, lovesick giggle as he reached the edge of her lips — Why? — she mumbled between his soft kisses.

— Because I'll fall off the seat, otherwise.

— Oh. — she said, laughing softly with him. Feeling relaxed because it was him, and it was just so easy to be with him.

She managed to hold herself on her knees before sitting on the table. She smiled as he got off the seat and moved to the side of the table, she turned a quarter around, having him stand right in front of her. She waited for a second, heart raising, head spinning a little and cheeks blushed. She smiled as he leaned closer, it had been just a few second but she had missed him, his warmth, his lips. Slowly, he took the back of her neck and kissed her, making her forget about the world around them. She kissed him back and opened her legs to have him take back his place between them, she loved having him so close, and she loved it more when he pushed in against her, getting even closer letting her feel him. It had started to turn rough and fast, almost desperate, like it was the last time, because, for all they knew, it was.

Alex grabbed his sides and pushed him against her body, trying to show him how badly she wanted him, so he reacted. He kissed her rougher and started to explore her body with his hands. First her thighs, mostly the side of them, then her bum, he squeezed it and she jumped a bit, getting closer to him in process. His hands slowly creepied it's way to her waist, where his fingers lingered under the shirt, and then up to her boobs. She wasn't wearing a bra, which he had noted when he first saw her. He fondled them and even over the shirt he could tell they were soft and tender. She was sensitive to his touch, and he could tell that because she stopped kissing him for a moment to bite her lip when his fingers focused on her nipples. So he took the chance and attacked her neck, already knowing it was one of her sweet spots, and bucked his hips against her core. She moaned at the summative of pleasures, her body shuddered as her hands dropped from his body, grabbing the edge of the table harshly, trying to keep herself in place.

He smiled at her reaction and, as he bucked his hips a bit more, moved his lips to her ear — Did you like that? — he teased. She mumbled a curse and immediately moved her hands to his belt, wanting to retaliate, wanting to play a game of who could turn the other one to a puddle of goo the easiest and win it — Easy, love. —  he warned — I don't think that would be very prudent.

She mumbled and amused yet frustrated — Fuck you. — and kissed him deeply but slowly, trying to make peace with the idea of not going further than kissing and some mild dry-humping. She wished she had him in a empty bedroom with a bed on it. To have him do whatever he wanted to her and her to him. She kissed him softly and told herself she was alright with the promise they had made. Just tonight. It was fair, they both would lose what they could have had. The other way he would've lost his job and her, too, eventually. She was sure of it. She knew herself well enough; she would get scared or drive him away. Even if he didn't know, it was a fair trade. She knew, but she could take the guilt and sadness. And, as she thought that, as she thought that she would go back to feeling so immensely lonely she kissed him more dearly.

And they kept kissing, long enough to have their lips numb, long enough that they melted into each other, long enough that they didn't have to kiss anymore, long enough that they were just standing in a warm and lazy embrace and it was just as good, just as intimate. Her breathing was on his skin as she laid lazy kisses on his shoulder and neck, moving slightly to have access to every single freckle she had noticed there. And he felt the softness of her lips and the sheer care they came with. Unbeknownst to her, she was giving him something that he would treasure so dearly. And he was so close to say something so very stupid, but instead moved his face to look at her and, by the second she looked back, kissed her so lovingly that it almost pained the both of them.

He poured almost all the love in his heart into that kiss, because he hadn't poured none of it in a while and she deserved it. He was sure she deserved every ounce of love he had to give, and he couldn't be bothered with the building up walls and the hesitating, they had only a few more hours at most and he wanted to spend every single moment in those giving her every reason to give them a chance. And it was so sweet, sweet enough to make up for the bitter situation. And, as they stopped for air, they laid forehead against forehead, breathing each other in. She smiled and gave him a sweet and short kiss before melting back into his soft embrace, wanting to be held in his arms until the night was trough.

They were holding themselves close and dearly. Ian still between her legs, holding her with his head on the crook on her neck and both of his hands on her back, holding her as if she was about to slip away. She liked to be held like that. She tried to let him know it with one of her hands subtly roaming through his hair as the other one laid on his upper back, arm crossing by his waist, thumb slowly moving up and down. He had hoped that having her this close for one night would make letting her go easier but it only made him fear the lack of her touch. What would he do without her hands tangled in his hair, without her lips touching his neck, without her in his arms. He feared the ghost of her touch and her kisses would follow him forever. When would he have a woman like her touch him so lovingly again? He thought it was a once in a life opportunity for him. But even if it wasn't, even if he did meet a girl just as beautiful, funny and sweet as her, he would only want Alex.

Against his every selfish wish, a couple of military vehicles arrived at the foot of the stairs. He looked at it and, without a moment to waste, kissed Alex so desperately, deeply and lovingly that it made her whine in surprise and moan in pleasure just a second after. He pressed her tightly against his body, feeling as much of her as he could manage. He kissed her until he couldn't anymore. Her words ringing in his ears “we're done”. She had let them go so easily. Maybe that had change, just maybe.

He slowly let go of her, their hands being the last thing that connected them, and her hand felt so cold and small against his. His interlocked finger warmed her a little and worked as shelter from the chilly night. And she seemed so small as looked into his eyes before he looked away and started moving towards the army men, hearing Pelton say something about them being over where they were but she couldn't care less about any of it. She wanted more, a couple more minutes at least.

And as if he could read her mind, Duncan tugged her arms and pulled her towards him, catching her in his arms and giving her a soft yet passionate kiss. She took in a breath as he kissed her. Maybe it would be worth it. All those consequences, all the bothers and the secrecy. Maybe they were worth it.

She let go and smiled at him so sincerely that it melted his heart. He hoped she had meant it in a "We're gonna get through this" but maybe it was a quick way to say "Sorry. It was nice while it lasted", but he didn't get to ask her.

— Sir, ma'am, could you please come here?

He gave her a short smile and turned to guide them towards the Dean and the army guys, where it all began a couple of hours before. He felt like those damn stair would never be the same to him.

And, as they were a few feet from them, the army guy sprayed something into the Dean's face — Holy shit. — they stopped in their place as Craig fell to the ground, and he held her closer, stepping a little in front of her, as if that would be worth something, but the army guy walking towards them knew it wouldn't make a difference. She held his arm tighter as whatever was in that gas made it to their lungs and knocked them out.

Chapter Text

Some people were being questioned by the police, some were being checked by the paramedics. The two of them, however, were standing still, looking at the mild chaos that spread around them. Alex was hugging herself, no longer having her wig, shoes or memories of the past seven hours. Sure, she could remember a thing or two from the beginning of the party, like the haze of a memory of talking to Vicky about her shoes, but nothing past that.

Ian was standing next to her, they had woken up a few feet from each other, both looking a bit more alive than the rest of the party but just as confused. They had barely spoke since they had woken up but he still was waiting next to her as a paramedic started to check her. She had a few cognitive test on her reflexes and brain function, she was fine, or so the lady told her. She wasn't sure if she was. Alex wanted to dismiss the entire night but something about being drugged and not remembering anything made her feel... well, confused and scared. She stepped down from the top of the table and looked at Ian with a cordial and shy smile — You didn't have to wait. — she assured as she rolled down her sleeve from where the nice paramedic had taken her pressure.

— I know. I wanted to hear that you were okay, from a professional and not just the Dean trying to get us not to sue.

There he was again, caring for her, trying to see if she was alright, in a nonchalant way, as always. Ever since he had shown that side of him she started to reciprocate it. First, without thinking it through, with the tie and then with smaller things, being a bit more careful with the invasion of his personal space, like picking up something for him when he dropped it, saving him a slice of pizza the few Fridays they had had lunch together, and even paying Star-burns to stand guard and distract the Dean as they did some day-drinking in his office a few times. "I buy the liquor, you buy the security." He had said.

Alex wasn't sure of what to say or what to do as she got off the gurney. Luckily, he spoke first — I'm gonna go, do you need a ride or are staying with someone here?

She thought about it for a second and nodded — Yeah, I'll take the ride. — she wanted to go home to her bed. She had made plans with Abed but she could just cancel them — I just should let Abed know. — she looked around to see if her friend was near but he wasn't. She looked back at Ian — I'll go look for him and meet you outside, okay?

— Sure. — Ian agreed and she walked to the study room, supposing Abed and his group were probably there. And, as always, there they were. She saw Abed and Troy leave their seat on the table and start walking towards were she was standing.

— Hey. — Abed said as she joined them on their way to the exit — We were just on our way to the dorm.

— We're gonna see Marmaduke. — Troy chimed in, smiling tiredly but as bright as always.

— Care to join us?

— Actually, I'm going back to my place. That's what I came to tell you.

— Okay. — there was a beat before he questioned — See you tomorrow? — she nodded.

— Sure. — and they stepped out of the library. She saw Ian standing next to the last column and quickly waved goodbye her friends to go to him.

She didn't hear Abed say it but he commented to Troy about hers and Ian's minor side story. He said he it wasn't entirely a spinoff but it wasn't part of his and his friend's show, he was still trying to figure out what they were.

Ian stood still as she walked towards him — Ready? — she nodded and he guided her to his car. And, just like that, he was taking her back to her place once again.

She wondered if he lived nearby her house but felt it was a bit weird to ask, so she brought up how fucked up it was to had been roofied and how that only would ever happen in Greendale. He nodded along and assured that, to him, it had been Chang who had done it — Why? — she asked, more to keep the chatter going than to see why would he think of Chang as a suspect. She had taken his class as an easy A, there was no doubt the man had a few loose screws up in his head and would do weird shit like that.

— I mean, the guy isn't entirely sane. — he said gesturing with his hands but never quite taking them off of the wheel — Did you know that he assaulted me last year? — he said, almost like the first time she heard him say it — I mean, we're good now. — he added — But still. — she smiled, remembering the night that had happened.

— You did mentioned it on the first class. — she said and he opened his mouth in a small "ah", nodding a bit. She remembered that day, and subsequently the day that assault had happened. That was the first time she had seen Ian. It had been quite an impression — Besides, — she added — I was there when it happened.

He did a double take of her that his eyes finished by focusing on the road. There was a beat of silence where his brow furrowed and his eyes darted around the windshield for a moment. He looked at her — Really?

— Yeah, the transfer dance. — she says and chuckles a little to the memory. He tried to keep the eye contact with her but had to give up so he wouldn't end up crashing the car — You were rapping and got suspended.

He grunted embarrassed — God, I can't believe you saw that. — he breathed out, if he wouldn't have been driving he would've covered his face. He thought about it for a moment and looked at her — How did I not see you?

She shrugged, giving him half a smile as he turned back to look the road — I'm easy to miss I guess. — she wasn't going to tell him she was the one that had gotten him ice for his nose, he was pretty wasted that night and she didn't blame him for not remembering it, so, she kept it as a secret for herself, trying to keep that moment safe from something she wasn't quite certain about.

A lopsided smile formed on his face, letting her see his right sided dimple. He looked at her, shaking his head a little as his eyes examined her face and sweet smile — I beg to differ.

— Then beg. — she teased and he laughed, tempted to do so.

The car got quiet as Ian focused on driving so she grabbed her cell phone and checked her photo gallery, notes and messages. Thinking that, whenever she would get voluntarily high, she would start taking pictures, writing ideas and, on very unlucky and lonely nights, sending messages. This time she had done none of those, maybe, whatever they had slipped into the drinks, had a different effect from weed.

She saw the time on her phone and had to do a double take — Shit, it's already seven AM? — he nodded and did hummed a soft affirmative sound. She sighted — My mom's gonna flip if she sees me getting home this late.

He furrowed shortly at her comment — Not to be rude, — he hesitated, tentatively looking at her eyes, hoping she wouldn't take offence — but aren't you a full grown adult?

— Yeah, but she worries, and... she's got reasons. — she tried to explain but cringed at her own words. It made her feel so childish. Almost everything did when it came to her and her mother. Maybe because she had grown up, maybe because she felt she hadn't grown up enough — I just- I don't want to freak her out with the whole "party got drugged and I don't know what happened". I haven't even gotten my own head around it, I can't deal with her thousand questions. — Ian nodded along her words. A soft lull fell over the car before she turned to him and asked — How aren't you freaked out about it?

—Well, I'm used to it. — he shrugged — I get myself blackout drunk probably once a week. Maybe more. — he figured, hands on the wheel eyes on the road except for the few times that they would look right into hers — Also, I got my wallet, my car and my cell phone. There isn't a lot more they can take from me. — he said, glancing to her side. She nodded with a relaxed smile. She wasn't looking at him anymore, she was looking ahead, thrown back into the seat. He took the opportunity to look at her, seeing how the yellow lights of the street kissed her brown skin, how her curly hair fell down her shoulders, brushing her neck. He looked away for a moment to check on the street but did a double take on her neck, noting a few spots that looked like bruise. He furrowed. Hickeys. Those were hickeys.

A few questions rose into mind but the two more prominent were: Did she noticed them? Who had gave them to her? On the back of his head there was trace of jealousy that was promptly overshadowed by a rational concern that turned his blood cold. They all had been drugged, something bad could've happened. He pushed those thoughts aside, that wouldn't happen, right? Greendale was a crappy place, sure, but not that kind of crappy. He took a shaky breath. He should tell her, he knew that much. She was gonna see them anyway so maybe it was better for him to be there to help — Alex, — she looked at him with a wondering look on her face — I think you have something on your neck.

Her eyebrows furrowed before she reached for the mirror on the parasol to check for herself — Well, fuck. — her hands traced the few marks on her neck as her stomach dropped and the corner of her lips turned downwards — I'm hating not knowing what happened even more now. — she thought aloud, giving a short and bitter laugh at her own comment.

There was a morbid silence in the car. Neither of them were going to say it but they both knew what they were both thinking. It was scary, to say the very least, and she checked the rest of her body for other marks or sore spots but, to her relief, she didn't find any.

She leaned back into the seat and hid the mirror. Her mind was rushing and she was beyond scared, she tried to remember anything but her mind just gave her a big black screen of nothingness. She held herself in her own arms, trying to calm down. She didn't want to cry, she wanted to scream. If something bad had happened she was sure she didn't want to remember. She wanted to know, but, at the same time, she didn't. It was so very confusing.

She checked herself for the hundredth time in the last few minutes. She felt fine-ish. Her body felt a bit tired and her brain was a bit hazy, but she didn't feel like something bad had happened. The thing was, she didn't actually knew if something happened, and not knowing felt so unfair and infuriating.

She wanted to scream, but she couldn't; so she assured herself that nothing bad had happened, even if a piece of her was still afraid that it had.

He tried to look at her, try to see what she was feeling but he couldn't look long enough to figure it out. He was driving, concerned, confused and just a bit drunk, he knew he should just focus on driving but something had happened to her and he supposed she would need help processing it. He felt it was his duty to help, he was her friend and a licensed therapist after all. So he waited and kept his ear sharp just in case. But she didn't say anything for a while, not until they were parked in front of her house and seated in place.

— I mean, — she spoke, voice just slightly hoarse and eyes focused on the windshield — if anything happened, I don't know it. — she looked at him. She seemed fine, just a bit conflicted — Isn't that better? Psychologically speaking.

— Well, not quite. Psychologically speaking. — he tried to bring some levity but couldn't manage to, so he turned a just a bit more serious — Even if we don't consciously remember, our subconscious does. It affects us, and our brain has it's own ways of showing that to us. — she nodded, looking just past him, a bit more to his right, but he knew she wasn't looking at anything in particular, her mind was most certainly busy with so many things. He took a breath and continued — If you feel you're fine, you probably are, — he said, somehow trying to reassure and console her — but if you notice anything that isn't... fine; you can tell me. — she looked at him again — I know I work at Greendale and seem a bit of a joke but I am a licensed therapist after all, I went to a university, I even did a thesis. — he stopped himself from ranting — What I mean is, — he laid a hand on her forearm, trying to ground both of them, trying to comfort her, trying to let her know that he was there for her — you can talk to me.

She gave him a faint smile that meant — Thank you. — and laid her hand on top of his. She wasn't sure what she meant by it, but she did it anyway, it was comforting. Touching him always seemed to be.

The conversation was done but she needed a moment before saying goodbye and leaving his touch, comfort and car. Just one more moment before she had to go home and deal with everything she hadn't dealt with yet.

She took a breath and slowly took her hand away from him, and so, his touch retracted from her arm. She smiled softly and a bit sadly as she looked into his eyes — See you Thursday, right?

He nodded — Yeah. See you Thursday.

She entered the door and he tried to smile at it. She was ok. No matter what had happened that night, she was alright. 

Chapter Text

The music was unnecessarily loud, especially since no one was dancing, but the drinks were fine, even more so after she would spike her own with some vodka. She still went by the dances, partly out of costume and partly to do something on the weekends. This dance theme was basically "Halloween Redo: Let's Not Get Roofied This Time" but it was actually called "Costume Party". Needless to say attendance wasn't as good as the previous costume party, maybe because people didn't wanted to be reminded of the time they had been drugged without consent a few weeks prior. She had attended nonetheless, wearing another costume this time, she couldn't shake the bad feeling wearing the previous costume brought her -besides, the wintery wind made it hard for her to be barefoot, not that her new costume made it easier to stay worm. She was wearing a half-assed version of Dionne's costume of Clueless. She wasn't wearing Cher's outfit because she had barely gathered the plaid skirt and black blazer she was wearing and she sure as hell didn't own any bright yellow blazers or skirts. Not many people got her costume, mainly because she just looked as a regular girl in a skirt without the combining pattern. She did have a top hat on but it wasn't quite right.

She would've wondered why she had bothered going to the party were not for the company she had. Troy and Abed, dressed as a vampire and a vampire hunter respectively, stood next to her, lingering over the food table, wondering what to choose. She decided to serve herself half a cup of punch and filled in the rest with vodka, she was running out but still had a couple cup's worth. Troy grabbed some cookies and turned to the dull party, if it could even be called that — I think getting roffied was better.

Alex gave out a smirk — Free food at least. — she drank a bit from her flask before putting the lead on. She was about to put it back on her pocket when she noticed Troy staring at it almost as if it was a gun — What? — she asked and Troy looked at her with his eyes still wide open — Want some? — she asked, unsure as to why he was making that face.

— No. — he said suddenly, sounding almost offended and scared, as if she had asked him if he wanted to do some coke while driving a hundred miles per hour — I can't. That's No-No juice.

She smiled with endearment and amusement. Moment like those she would remember that him and Abed were basically kids — Alright. — she mumbled, putting the drink away.

In the short distance she saw Annie walking fast towards them. She was doing the Annie Walk, a fast paced-not-yet-running walk, looking straight ahead with a clear objective. It was quite fitting given she was wearing a rented Wonder Woman costume. She figured it was similar to a businesswoman's walk to an important meeting, except Annie did it for most semi-important things. For a moment she feared she was about to reproach her about offering Troy a drink when he wasn't above the drinking age. Luckily she just said — Guys I think we should go and dance. — Alex was relieved; Annie could be quite stern for a nineteen year old

— What? Why? — Abed quickly asked.

— The dean is not looking good and I think it's because of the party.

She looked ahead to where Abed and Troy were looking. The dean was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, basically pleading people to go dancing. It looked both pathetic and awkward, like a grown man crying in the middle of a party, because that was basically what it was. And then, after a few short seconds it was actually what it was — Oh no. — Annie mumbled, almost running to the weeping man to console him.

Alex cringed, both in second hand embarrassment and empathy-induced sadness — Alright, let's go. — she told the young duo, starting to walk towards the dance floor — Guys, make it as if you're enjoying yourself and get as many people to come dance as possible, I'll put some actual good music. — they both nodded as if they were soldier's being assigned a new mission and went on their way to bring people around, changing into fake wide grins and little dances to hype people as they asked them to go dancing.

She went towards the Dean's iPod where the music was coming from. She put the best dancing album Pelton had and went back to the dance floor where some people had gathered to awkwardly dance near each other she looked over at the dean and Annie, seeing her as she showed him the students having fun and dancing around. Craig seemed to cheer up a bit and stood up from his crying fetal position. Annie gave her a thumb up with a big, tight lipped smile. She smiled and rewarded herself with a swing that took out almost the entire cup.

— Well, that's a bummer. — Ian said, stopping next to Alex. She looked at him with a questioning look as he drank from his flask — I had a bet with Chang that he'd leave crying.

She chuckled a bit but noted — That's mean

— It was supposed to be easy cash. — he joked. He was right — You and your friends owe me twenty-five green bills. — she rolled her eyes playfully. They both looked on to the party. People convincing other people to go dance, some others getting playfully drunk, the Dean dancing with tears still drying on his cheeks — And now I owe him ten more dollars. — he said, looking at Garret's attempt at doing the worm. The word 'attempt' was doing a lot of heavy lifting to describe Grarret's weird wiggle on the ground. She laughed both at his disappointment and Garret's futile persistence on doing the dance move.

— What? — she laughed, right eyebrow shot up in question — You bet he'd do it right?

— No, I bet he wouldn't try. — he laughed as he tried to defend himself — Chang caught him practicing it last week. I was sure he'd had more self-awareness than that. — they looked at him, still on the floor but no longer trying to dance, just lying there and having people jump over him or walk around — Frankly it was hoping too much for anyone here to have any self-awareness. — Alex gave a big laugh, throwing her head back; it carried some meanness to it. He loved it, even if she was laughing at him. She could pant him if it meant having her laugh like that. Actually, no, he would rather have no laughter on her part if he were to have his pants down. Still, he would let her do most anything if it meant to hear her laugh.

She looked at her as she drank her spiked punch and barely moved her hips to the rhythm of the music. He wanted to ask her to dance. Put a hand out for her and say "shall we?" But he was quite a few drinks away from that level of confidence so he just asked — Aren't you gonna dance?

— Nah, — she shrugged — music isn't even that good.

He smiled amused but confused — You choose it. — he reminded her.

— I didn't have anything to choose from! — she complained a bit, drink swaying back and forward in her hand, somehow spilling nothing but a few droplets on her hand — Half of it was ABBA! And don't get me wrong, I love ABBA but I'm trying to get this party to be from the last one.

— Understandable. — he smiled — So all he had was passable pop rock ballads?

— That and a lot of recordings of his.

He nodded, thinking of what she said. They accidentally shared a look, both clearly showing a strange morbid interest. He smiled and squinted his eyes as he leaned over to ask — Don’t you want to know what they are?

— Oh, I do, but I won't subject everyone in this party to it. — she tried to suppress a smile and he knew she was thinking the same thing he was.

— Wanna steal the iPod and listen them somewhere else?

She turned to him in an instant — Sold. — her voice was rushed and exited. He smiled. And she smiled back, leaving the world frozen for a moment. But the moment passed and she called for Abed. Ian didn't questioned It, Jeff's pack of codependents misfits were known for their hijinks and wacky misadventures in a campus built on hijinks and wacky anything.

Abed walked towards them, regular cup of punch in hand, one hand in his pocket — What's up guys?

— Want to do a heist?

He gave her a look then looked away for a second before saying — You know I'm retired, Alex. — he barely sounded like Abed. He was doing a typical character of a heist movie, probably the old friend of the protagonist. Alex smiled, trying to get in character herself — After that heist at the Laboratory, I got caught. They found Fivel in my locker. — she tried not to laugh at the memory — I already did my time. I'm trying to live a normal life now.

— You weren't the only one who got caught then. I did my time, too. — she tried to say in a somber defiance but failing to do it properly. She turned her head slightly, smiling with an argument for their little adventure — Now I'm trying to get revenge. — Abed seemed to like it, something minuscule changing on his demeanor right before chainging it right back — Pelton's IPod. — she explained — All his weird, embarrassing recordings. We can laugh at the bastard that took Fivel from you.

He looked to the side for a second — Oh, what the hell? — he shook his head and looked at Alex — One last ride. For Fivel. — he nodded, extending his hand to Alex.

She gave him a half smiled as she took his hand — For Fivel. — they shook hands with a short up-and-down and a bit of a decisive staring contest.

— Who the fuck is Fivel? — Ian asked, interrupting their little scene.

Alex looked at him. He looked amused yet confused, brow furrowed, lips in a twisted smile and eyes switching from Abed to her over and over. She smiled, dropping the character — His laboratory mouse.

— They sold him and all the mousses for some budget for the transfer dance. — Abed said, in a way that seemed out of character. And then rectified with — Those greedy bastards.

They stood looking at him quietly, Ian's eyes darting in the air. He nodded. Abed and Alex kept staring at him so he grabbed his flask from the inner pocket of his jacket and raised it as if he were to make a toast. He was wearing an uncertain look on his face as he hesitantly said — For Fivel, then?

Alex smiled and raised her glass to the height of his flask — For Fivel.

They drank up and Abed just nodded as they did. His eyes became more focused once they finished the toast. He was back in character — Do we have a team? And, do we have a mandatory window of time?

— It's just you, Ian and I, and we can take as long as we want.

— Not good enough. We need a plan, people and race against the clock for the operation to work. — he said before quickly looking away to the side to think.

Ian looked at Alex and leaned in — What is happening? — he asked, before she could answer anything Abed spoke.

— Alright. It's gonna be risky. We'll need some men. — he nodded and pointed at himself with his thumb — Abed; observant, experienced planer in hijinks, unable to read most social cues. I'll plan the heist, gather the team and gloat in front of the Dean, without him knowing, once we finish it. — he looked at Alex — Alex; nerves of steel, stealthy, currently in charge of the music. You will study Pelton's playlist and replicate it on another device. — she nodded and Abed looked at Ian — Duncan; Functioning alcoholic, professor, familiar with the field. You'll get us a second IPod, one to replace Pelton's.

— I have one in my office.

— Perfect. — Abed nodded — Now, the crew. — he turned around and looked at Leonard, they all did. He was standing a few feet from them, grabbing food from the table and putting it in his pocket — Leonard. Old, blends in into any background, great reviewer of food, he's a wildcard put he's good. He will do ground work, part of the swap team. — Abed explained and stopped for a second before turning to Troy and propping Alex and Ian to do the same — Troy; skillful, athletic, fun, can eat an entire box of Lucky Charms under a minute and a half. — they saw him dance with Annie while being accidentally and constantly shoved by Neil — He'll drop from the ceiling with the hanger that I had installed last year and swap the devices. — Alex tried not to say anything about it. She could convince him out of it later, right then she would let him finish his plan.

They looked at Annie who was still dancing with Troy — Annie. Smart, known teacher's pet, eager to partake in adventures and get an A in Anthropology. — he gave Ian a look as he said that and Ian nodded — She'll handle Pelton up close. — he turned back around to them and they looked at him — We'll also need someone who can handle computers. The IT lady will be a hard sell but she'll help us as long as we can get her that new parking spot. Or maybe give her some chocolates. — he shrugged for a second. He shook his head as he started to speak — And, I hate to say this but, we'll need to bring in Pierce.

— Pierce, really? — Alex groaned.

— I know you have your issues with him but there's no guy like him to fake a heart attack. — he lamented — He's the best of the best.

Alex made a face of discontent. She was about to speak but Ian beat her to it — Isn't this a bit convoluted?

Alex hesitated — Yeah. — she thought back to all the things Abed had said. The IT lady, Troy dropping from the ceiling, Pierce faking a heart attack — It is. — she resolved. She looked back at Abed with a sorry look on her face — Abed, can we do a simpler one?

Abed alternated his eyes between them, she could basically see his gears turning in his head — Ok. No heart attack.

— Or hanger. — she negotiated.

— Alright. — it wasn't obvious but she could tell, he was disappointed. He twisted his mouth for a second, eyes looking to the side before looking back at them — Which of you two can act drunk and disorderly better?

— Duncan

— Me

Abed nodded — Good, I'll get Troy and Annie. You go copy Dean's songs and you go get your IPod. — he ordered — Meet back here as soon as you can.

They were all back in that place a little more than five minutes later. It was a bit hard for Ian and Alex, both tipsy and unfocused, to download fifteen of the Dean's song on Ian's IPod. Once that was done the plan was put in motion.

Ian was pretending to be a bit drunker than he actually was and already heading towards the IPod. He had taken the excuse of "getting in character" to drink the rest of his flask, only to pull out a second one and drink some of it, too. Sadly, Abed didn't let Alex join in, saying she needed a clear head for her part. He waited close enough to the device and waited for Abed's signal.

Abed looked at Annie talk to the dean across the people on the dancefloor, even with his height he was having a bit of trouble — Next time I'm getting earpieces. — he said.

They saw Annie lead the Dean further from where Ian was standing. She gave Abed the double thumbs up and Abed gave Ian a finger gun. Alex slowly walked towards her position, watching as Ian did a terrible impression of his plastered self and half-jogged towards the IPod. He bumped into the table where it stood and dropped it into the floor. The whole party stopped and groaned. Alex started walking toward Ian — Duncan. — Pelton complained as he marched towards him. Annie tried to stop him but, all in one second, Abed bumped into the dean, Ian fell and Troy turned the lights off.

Without thinking it twice, Alex ran the few feet she had left to get to Ian. She hadn't seen how he landed and it had been quite the fall. She kneeled next to him and put her hand on his shoulder — Shit. Ian, are you ok? — she asked, voice showing more concern than she had given it permission to.

— Yeah, I'm alright. — he groaned — Just, go get the thingy so I don't have to do that again.

She chuckled — Ok.

She heard Troy say a loud — Sorry. Sorry. — that was the signal. Alex stood up and swapped the devices and managed to put the Dean's IPod on her pocket just as Troy got the lights back on. She walked back to Ian and helped him up. She got the IPod she had just left on the floor and connected it, putting on the playlist they had made.

She looked at Abed and gave him a nod. She heard him speak to the Dean — Great music. — he taunted as he fixed some wrinkles in his costume.

Pelton gave him a side eye as he suspiciously said — Thank you.

Soon enough they were all walking towards the exit, lining up just before getting to it. To abed it was clearly a money shot, all the characters looking cool and dashing in slow-motion. In real life they looked mostly stupid, walking slowly towards the door just like Abed asked them to do.

Once they got outside they started walking normally, celebrating, little jumps and some high fives. Duncan grabbed his flask and raised it before drinking.

Alex turned to Duncan as she grabbed the drink he was offering — Is your elbow alright? — she asked before drinking from the flask.

— A bit sore but alright. — Alex nodded giving him the flask back — I just landed hard on my ass. — he said before drinking some more scotch. Alex laughed and Ian smiled at it right after swallowing the alcohol — What are you twelve? — he asked, incredulous smile still on his face.

She opened her mouth in a faked offence — Maybe I am. — she responded, snaching the flask off his hands and drinking

— Well, then I'll need you to give back the drink and hope cops can't read my thoughts. — he joked back.

She softly elbowed him while laughing, a bit embarrassed and amused, drinking some more to distract herself from the light flush of her cheeks. She took a second to hiss at the burn on her throat before asking — So, what made you slip?

— I think there was something spilled on the floor.

— It was beer. — Abed answered, not even looking at them, just seeing Troy and Annie decide what to listen to first

Alex looked at him with a suspicious frown on her face — How do you know?

— I saw Starburns spill it earlier. — Ian and Alex shared a short glance.

— Then why didn't you tell me? — Ian asked. Alex turned to him, eyes squinted knowing the answer wouldn't be "I forgot"

— We needed the momentary setback where someone almost get caught.

— Abed! — Alex complained but he paid no mind to it or the face Ian was doing, he was either hungry or angry.

— It wouldn't have been a true heist without it. — he explained as Ian let out a "What the hell, man? I could've gotten hurt" — Also, — Abed continued — it gave the romantic lead a moment of vulnerability and care.

— What?

— Romantic lead? — Ian questioned

— You guys kind of ruined it by not kissing af-

— Abed! — Alex shushed him, flushed with panic and embarrassment. She tried not to look at Ian so he wouldn’t see her state.

— What? — Abed asked.

— I know you know that was wrong. — she gave him a stern look, taking a brief pause before explaining — You have to apologize.

— But he's fine. — Alex shook her head. He let his shoulders down and looked at Ian, emotionally rolling his eyes as he said — I'm sorry.

— It's — he hesitated, looking at Alex for a moment. He knew in some other occasion he wouldn't just take the apology but right then, with Alex, he did — alright. — Alex gave him a sorry yet confused smile, as if to say “you don’t have to” but he nodded at Abed anyway and clarified — We cool.

Before anything else could be said Troy interrupted the conversation — We found something! — he announced.

They all moved towards him, trying to see what they had found.

— It's the longest voice recording he has. I think it’s the most likely to be embarrassing — Annie explained. And then looked at Ian — I'll be worth the extra credit.

— Yeah, extra credit, A pluses. — he said, paying no real mind to it — Congratulations on passing a useless, passable class. — he mockingly announced but Annie sparked up all the same.

They all leaned in when Annie pressed play, a small silence passed before Craig’s voice took over the ambient — I think I'm the reason my father left. I was just a kid but I was too much for him. I was always wearing my mother's jewelry, her make-up, dressing up as a tiger, putting shows in the living room. No matter what he did to "man me up" wouldn't work out, always find a way to be myself-

— I'm just gonna- — Annie said, pressing the forward button — pass that.

She let it play and a whimper came out of the speaker — -that day in school everyone called me No Dad Craig, I-

— Nop. — Annie said, mercifully pressing the pause button and leaving the space dead silent.

— Maybe the next one? — Troy said and they did just that, pressed play on the next one, and the next after that, and three more selected at random, just to make sure, but no, besides a small idea for a time traveling novel that Aded said to sound “Dreadful and positively paradoxical” there were only audios of sad stories, probably for therapeutic purposes.

Alex made a pitiful attempt to laugh and said —That was anticlimactic.

— It was just sad. — Troy added.

— Yeah.

After Abed said that they all went quiet again. Annie turned off the device; sure no one would ask to play another.

Ian spoke — Now we gotta change it back.

— Do we really? — Alex groaned, letting her shoulders hang and almost pouting

— That's my iPod we left, unless you want to buy me another. — he challenged.

Alex smirked at Ian before turning away and asking — Abed, what's the return mission?

And frowned — Heists don't have return missions. — he explained — It’s just the heist.

— Can't we do a reverse heist?

— That isn't a thing. — he rejected her bargain — And it would be too repetitive, we just did a heist.

— Abed. — she pleaded — Please

He gave himself a second as he looked around to his friends — Ok. — he accepted. Alex smiled triumphant until he added — But we're doing the convoluted one.

— Alright, — she hesitated — but no Pierce.

— That's fair. Garret can do the heart attack.

Chapter Text

They all stood still outside of the cafeteria. Annie's Wonder Woman skirt burnt, just like the IT lady's cat tail from her costume. Abed was grabbing his crossbow a bit too tightly while Troy, standing in front yet to the side of him kept his eyes alarmingly open. Ian was no longer wearing his Dracula teeth and had his clip-on bow tie undone, his arms extended on his sides unlike Alex, who was clinging onto her blazer for dear life, staring out slightly to the side, almost looking at the floor. Most of them were looking shocked or distraught. Except for Garret. Garret seemed amazed and looked just like he had before doing an attempt to warm dance.

— That- — said Garret and paused for half a second — was amazing. — he finished and started to walk away.

Ian watched him go, completely confused, unable to understand how any of the things that had happened could be seen as amazing. A flash of fresh memories flashed through his eyes and he grabbed the bridge of his nose as he attempted not to think about it. Still, he heard Garret repeat himself in the distance — Amazing!

Alex took a shake breath and unconsciously breathed out an — I- — but she kept quiet right after. Ian looked at her through his peripheral vision, seeing her brow furrowed and her eyes widened just a bit.

— Fuck. — Ian whispered, face still under his hand.

The IT lady cleared her throat and took a few hesitant steps forward before turning to face the group — I don't ever want to see any of you again. — she firmly stated. Ian still couldn't remember why she had joined the "mission" but he couldn’t really care for it at that moment.

— Bye, Darcy. — said Leonard as the woman walked the opposite way Garret had, high heels clicking through the silent night.

After a second of silence Alex shortly laughed out before shutting herself up almost forcefully. It wasn't a that-was-funny laugh, Ian could tell, it was a nervous-and-shocked laugh. It seemed devoid of most things happy laughs tended to carry. Most of the group gave her a quick side look but Duncan kept looking at her, concerned, hands off his face. Alex was looking ahead, eyes lost in the night, body slightly shaking — I can't believe the rope cut off.

He closed his eyes for a second. The picture of her falling in the dark rushed his blood to his feet. She hadn't been more than two meters high, but it was high enough that she could've gotten hurt.

— I can, — said Abed. Voice as stoic as always — it was a cheap rope. — Ian looked at him, demeanor slightly changing — Sorry about that. — he said and seemed to actually mean it.

— Aja. — Alex nodded off, still looking straight ahead, which made Ian know she probably didn't really listen.

Annie, standing by Alex's left side, rubbed her shoulder, trying to comfort her, and shook her head at Abed and Troy — That was too dangerous, you guys.

— Yeah. — Troy nodded — But it was awesome. — Ian was gonna tell him off on how it most defenetly wasn’t awesome and how they were so fucking lucky they hadn’t hurt her, but Leonard, whom he had forgotten was there, spoke first.

— Eh, I've seen better.

— Oh, shut up, Leonard! — he attacked — I know about your failed ornamental baskets business. — Leonard waved a hand as he walked away, an annoyed look on his face.

Alex watched him go absentmindedly while Ian just kept looking at her. He realised he was mostly sober right then, the accident had gotten his adrenaline to kick in and clear the fog off his brain. He gently rested his left hand on Alex's right shoulder and gently squeezed it as he asked — Are you alright? — he internally cursed at himself as the memory passed by his eyes again. How could he be so stupid, he should have done something to stop it. He was an actual adult unlike Abed's gang, who were basically kids, he should've known better. Of course, he was fairly drunk when they had come up with the plan, but he wasn't a man that would forgive himself that easily.

Alex nodded and he stopped paying attention to his guilty thoughts and endless regrets just to pay attention to her. For a second she didn't speak, she seemed to be unable. But then, in a soft voice, she said — I am. — she looked up at him — Thank you for catching me.

He nodded blood rushing to his feet once more at the memory — You could've gotten hurt. — he lamented. Alex nodded, apparently taking that idea into consideration. Ian hesitated for a second before asking in a slightly lower voice — Are we sure it wasn't some planned setback?

— It wasn't. — Abed interrupted, bith Ian and Alex turned their heads to look at him — I hadn't set up the hanger for a heist. — he explained — I just need a new props guy.

— Fuck. — Ian realized that, somehow, that was worse. It made the whole incident scarier and it made it almost impossible for him to be mad at Abed, even if he really, really wanted to.

— I really need a drink. — Alex stated after a beat, getting the tension and silence to dissipate a bit — lots of ‘em.

— Absolutely. — Ian nodded and then looked at the remaining people of the group with an inquiring question — Anyone else?

— We're not of age.
— No, no, I can't.
— No thanks.

They said almost simultaneously. Ian shortly nodded — Alright. — he accorded and looked at Alex — Pub or office?

— Pub. — she answered almost too quickly. She looked back at the group — Bye guys. — she said in a quiet voice before looking at Ian.

He understood what she meant. He started walking towards his car and she went along, walking right next to him, leaving Troy, Abed and Annie behind — Bye. — they all quietly replied at the same time.

It was worrisome. It really was starting to worry him. She wasn't uttering a word. Not that she was one to talk all the time, but the way she was keeping that silence was what concerned him.

He looked at her, her hands clinging onto that blazer, closing it tightly around her body. He considered something for a second. He knew hugging could be too invasive for her so he just put his Dracula cape over her shoulders. They were short ways from the car but he wanted to help her somehow. It seemed to catch her a bit by surprise. Maybe she was too carried away with her thoughts, he figured. Still, she smiled when she realized what he had done — Thanks. —she said, trying to get the bottom part of the cape not to get dragged against the floor. She failed to do so but still kept the cape hugged tightly against her.

After a few moments they made it to the car. Ian had turned on the engine and, after waiting a short few minutes for it to warm up, pulled out of the school's parking lot. Still, Ian hadn't stopped glancing at Alex to see how she was since she still wasn't talking. Alex couldn't ignore it anymore so, only to appease Ian's worries about her, she smiled lightly and asked — Where are we going anyway?

He relaxed himself into the seat and said — I was thinking of that place on the corner of Robinson and Quitt. — he explained, still glancing at her just for a short moment — Y'know, with the ridiculously tall yellow sign on the front?

— Yeah, — she said hesitantly before looking at him — the one that has the flamingo wearing sunglasses on the napkins, right?

He smiled softly — Exactly that one.

She smiled at herself and then,slightly frowning she said — I always wondered why they had flamingos on the napkins but nowhere else.

He nodded, laughing shortly before explaining — They used to have plastic ones all over the bar but people kept stealing them.

— Why?

— They were flamingos wearing sunglasses ! What more can you ask for? — he exaggerated his enthusiasm, just to make her laugh, and he did it. He looked at her as she laughed, wide grins on both of their faces. He was so very glad when he made her laugh, specially in that moment — Even I stole one. — he revealed.

She looked at him with a small real surprise and some fake offence — And where the hell was this cool-ass flamingo when I went to your place, then?

— If you must know, I have it in my bedroom. — he smiled — It's on top of the dresser. Third thing I see when I wake up.

She laughed again. He swore he could get tired of every good thing in the world but that laugh. He realised it would change a little bit every time she would laugh. Sometimes it would sound sweet and breezy, other times it would be big and loud and a few other times she had snorted a bit like a little piglet. He wondered how many different laughs she had. Luckily for him, she had an easy laugh so he could be lucky to hear many, maybe lucky enough to hear all. And even if she never avoided letting it out, sometimes she would cover her mouth if she would get too loud or snort, he found that was an even sweater picture. Her cheeks pressed by her own hand while it covered her mouth and bottom of her nose, eyes shut with her cheek pressing up on them, clearly laughing under her hand. Anything could become dull and boring to him but that could never get old.

—I gotta see it. — she said, clearly no double intentions of her visiting his bedroom in mind but it did make him think of it. And maybe she thought of it too because her cheeks shortly flashed pink before she asked — Is it one of those flamingos for, like, backyards? —maybe to move away from the idea of her visiting his bedroom, maybe to keep the conversation going, maybe out of actual curiosity.

— It's a bit smaller, I think. — he said before pulling up to the first free spot he saw available. He turned the engine off and glanced at her, explaining — It's a block away. 

She nodded and opened the door to get out, so did he, but before any of them closed the door or walked away from the car she said — Wait, — he gave her a questioning look but stopped nonetheless, looking at her over the hood of the car, he found it cute how her chin was a bit under the height of the roof, making her look tinier than she was — the costumes — she explained.

— Yeah, it's not actually Halloween. — he said as he unbuttoned the vest. Alex looked down at her costume, unsure of what to remove. She decided to just take her hat off — Fuck. — she cursed under her breath.

— What happened?

— I lost my hat.

He smiled at her as he took the vest off his shoulders — At this rate you'll have a full outfit in the custodians' lost and found.

Alex rolled her eyes, a light smile on her face, trying not to note how good Ian looked in just a white shirt. No vest or mismatched tie in sight — Let's go. — she said, swiftly closing the car door as she turned to the sidewalk.

— Actually, — Ian spoke and she stopped to look back at him— You have to lock it from there. — she turned her head slightly to the right — To lock the door, I mean.

— Ah. — she nodded, going a few steps back to the door.

— Yeah, you just open it — she did — and press the lock. — she pressed the lock and looked at him for confirmation — Yeah. Now just close it. — she closed the door, figuring she had grown accustomed to his brother’s car, then finally went to the sidewalk, waiting for Ian to join her and walk with her to the bar.

A few hours later Alex was sitting at the bar, alone. Her left elbow on the wooden counter as that hand held her head up and the right one held her drink. She was looking at Ian's beer sitting in front of her. More specifically, she was looking at the condensed water crawling downwards on the outside of the bottle. Ian had gone back to look for his wallet after a few drinks and a short debate of who was paying -she didn't have any money on her so she won the not paying part, again- so she was sitting alone as Ian went to fetch his wallet, and those drops of water kept reminding her of something.

Her thoughts were connected to flashing memories, these memories weren't of images but of feelings. The feeling of a bunch of strings and cables pulling her up and leaving her hanging in the air. The split second of nothingness, no pulling from harnesses or gravity, that brought such scare. And then, the sudden, domineering pull from gravity, that made her feel twice as heavy and so, so very afraid. Her stomach dropped as she had. Sour memories took her right back to that moment where she wondered a useless and pathetic "Is this really how I'm gonna go?" A incredulous question that was really asking if it was all a sick, stupid, meaningless joke.

Ian had already returned from fetching his wallet but he was hesitant to approach. Alex's eyes seemed to be the most wonderful, expressive thing he had the pleasure to see, but right then, the way she was looking at that bottle, it made his chest tug with discomfort. How could those eyes describe such despair? He slowly sat down next to her, trying not to startle her. Luckily he didn't.

Alex turned to him and gave him a tired, drunken smile — I was starting to think I would have to do the dishes to pay myself out. — she said, straightening up a bit.

Ian snorted a quick laugh — Maybe you would've been better off cleaning the tables. — he grabbed his beer from the bar, lifted it off the bar but didn't drink from it — Or maybe bring your wallet sometime. — he gave her a cheeky smile before drinking from the bottle.

— That was a low shot. — she was amused. Faking indignation to keep the bit going — Are we really keeping a tab on our friendship?

He raised an eyebrow and shrugged — We will if you never pay. — he shook his head a bit, a sweet yet smug smile still on his face. She wondered what the smugness was about and figured she was misreading amusement.

— I study at Greendale, — she replied — I don't have money

— I teach there, I don't have money either. — he said, trying to one-up her

— Alright, — she gave him a side smile — next time on me. — after a few sips she finished her drink and asked for another from the bartender, only asking for a cheaper vodka this time — So I won't have to owe you so much — she quipped.

— Shut up and get the good one before that burns a hole through your stomach.

She playfully rolled her eyes and kept drinking. They fell into a small, comfortable silence. That, sadly, made the ideas that Ian's bottle had generated resurface. She drowned the drink but it didn't do much and just asked for another. Ian gave her a look — I couldn't sip through that one. — she lied. Ian noted it so he kept his eyes on her — It just- — she cut herself off, thinking her words through. The bartender filled up her glass and Alex gave him a short nod. Ian thought of asking for another drink but decided to wait for whatever Alex needed to say — I hoped the whole rope cut thing had been an Abed thing. — she shook her head, disconcerted. She pressed her thumb nail against one of her front teeth. She looked away for a moment and then looked back at Ian, hand out of her face — Somehow it's worse that it wasn't.

— That's understandable — he nodded — There's no culprit to act as a scapegoat for your feelings towards the experience so you can't be angry at any one thing. So you get scared, sad, or whatever. — he explained — Also, it makes you feel less in control of your life, too. Because of the randomness of the event.

She nodded, head spinning a little as she tried to understand and analyze what he said. She frowned a little — Is this therapy?

— No...?

— 'Cause if it is I probably owe you a shit ton of money

He rolled his eyes a bit as he smiled at her words — It's not therapy. — he assured, stirring straighter in his seat and leaning his left side into the bar — And you still owe me money.

— Again with the money, man! — she laughed out loud and he defended with a "You brought it up" that she paid no mind to as she continued with — I get it, I'm a cheap bastard!

— I didn't say that.

— Oh, you did.

— I did not. — he warned with a dumb smile on his face that showed off his dimples. She couldn't help but to smile away from him at the bar. She shook her head, having her curls bounce a little in the process.

— We should get going. — she said, looking back at him — This place is closing and the bartender is giving us a bit of a dirty look. — she explained.

— Sorry, can we get one more round?

— Ian!

— What? I want another drink.

She covered her face as the bartender brought them a beer and a second glass for Alex. Next thing she could remember a group of twenty-something's walked in, forcing the bartenders to keep the bar open for an hour longer, being befriended by them and being easily convinced to do shots with them. After that she was leaning on Ian's shoulder to protect herself from the cold November air. They stumbled to the car and then they stumbled back when they realised they had gone in the wrong direction. By the time they got to the car she had to basically drag Ian by the arm to it so he would go faster — C'mon we're almost there. — she begged and he tried to pick up the pace.

They got into the car and she started to tremble — Fuck skirts. — she growled and then felt a long fabric being put on her shoulders. She hugged it and kept trembling for a bit. Ian relaxed back into the seat and stared. The noises and moves she was making were incredibly cute. She kept rubbing her legs with her hands, slightly hunched over herself as she let out a "brr" from time to time. As she warmed up and relaxed back into her seat, Ian started to close his eyes.

— We should- we should get home now. — what she had meant with "home"? She wasn't sure.

—Yeah. I just- — he said and accommodated himself on the seat, hugging himself under the black fabric that covered him — I'm g'nna take a special nap. Alright? Then home.

— Alright. — Alex nodded, not really sure of what she had heard — What's a special nap? — she asked but he had already fallen asleep. She took the glasses off of him and left them on the dashboard. She made sure they wouldn't fall. Then she locked the door and then she leaned back into the seat, turning to face him. She looked at him, he looked different like that. Asleep, without his glasses, without his dimples showing off. He looked quite sweet. His face relaxed, big brown eyes closed, hair ruffled by the wind. She smiled and just kept looking at him, unsure if she'd want him to wake up to see her staring or keep sleeping so she could keep looking at him like that.

She slowly realized he was wearing the cape of his costume. Alex frowned. She looked at what was covering her body, what he had put on her shoulder when she was trembling, to see it wasn't the cape, as she had thought, but an actual blanket. She figured it was his blanket for sleeping drunk in the car.

First she thought of what a smart and simple idea that was, then she wondered how often he fell asleep in the car, or his office or, as he had mentioned once, on the sidewalk. But then, just as she was falling asleep, she let herself ponder on how sweet it had been of him to give her the blanket and have the polyester cape for himself. And how sweet he looked like that, big brown eyes closed, face relaxed, breath steady and close to her.  How sweet indeed.

Chapter Text

Why had she done it? She kept wondering. Looking at the ceiling, waiting for an answer. But the answer wouldn't matter, the deed was done. She pulled the sheets closer to her chest, trying to hide herself, but there was no hiding, not under those sheets at least. It felt like she had turned back the time, back to when she was nineteen and desperate to feel something, to find something.

Alex turned away from the body next to hers and looked at the floor instead. Somehow that felt better. It made the heaviness on her chest fade a little, maybe because it was darker, maybe because the carpet seemed like the one in her bedroom, she didn't know. She wasn't trying to sleep, she wouldn't be able to even if she'd tried. It was barely a quarter past three and being there, next to a guy who she had met once before made it impossible to ease herself. She felt guilty, jaded and tired. So she stood up, gathered her things from the floor and quickly got dressed, hoping to get out of there and think things through elsewhere.

— You're leaving already? — Kyle asked, sounding more surprised than disappointed. Alex stopped right in front of the door, coat and cellphone in hand. She hadn't been on a one night -or afternoon- stand for a while so she seemed to have forgotten some of the intricacies of it, like you can only sneak out if the other person is asleep or showering. She breathed out and turned around.

Her eyes lingered on the ground before moving up to look at the man that was laying on his own bed. She nodded, face hidden behind her hair — Yeah. — she murmured — It was nice though. — he gave him a simple smile that meant nothing more than a "Yeah, it was" — I'll see ya. — she wouldn't. She knew she wouldn't.

As she rode the bus to campus she could only think one very stupid thing "Of course Abed was right"

She sighted. She knew why she had done it, she tried to convince herself out of a simple truth Abed had called to her attention to in a very rude manner“It is very obvious you want to date Duncan and that he wants to date you too, the oblivious act already outdid it's cuteness. Also, those bermuda shorts only make your thighs look bigger and your legs shorter.” She was both offended and shocked by his words. She didn't know what was up with Abed. She had seen him be mean to some girls but she figured he was trying to joke around and failing, now she knew he was actually being mean. He wouldn't have ever said that to her. Much less like that. Abed would've said something about moving the plot forward or would've gotten into the character of supporting best friend on a romcom to give her a sassy yet encouraging speech about love so she would run into Ian's arms. Instead he was mean, purposely so.

It had made her so angry. He hadn't even given her time to reply. He had said it loudly enough for some people to hear and left her there in the middle of the student lounge as a few people stared at her. She was angry, shocked and embarrassed, her brow furrowed, her mouth hanging slightly open. She walked away, first thinking of confronting Abed then realizing that would only turn things for the worse. She laid against a wall in the hall, she watched students go by, going in and out of classrooms, trying to distract herself from Abed's words that were

As Alex started walking, remembering she had a class to go to, she saw a familiar face walk towards her — Alex. — he chimed the way he always seemed to do as they both stopped in front of the other. She inadvertently smiled at his voice, which only made her panic for a second. He had done nothing more than say her name and she was smiling like an idiot. She tried up for a couple of seconds, some traces of her panic showing on her face. Ian gave her a questioning, worried look and cautiously asked — Are you alright?

— I have to go. — she stated, clearly distressed, and walked away quickly.

She cursed herself as she walked through the doors, the sunny day somehow worsening her mood.

She couldn't want to date him, she couldn't let herself want it. So she told herself "I don't wanna date him. If anything I wanna fuck him. Maybe I just wanna fuck someone". She quickly convinced herself of that. As she paced around the sidewalk she grabbed her phone and on a whim she texted “Hey, it's Alex, from the bar. Wanna meet up?”. She regretted it immediately, right until he answered. He said he had just gotten off work and had the afternoon free, so she asked if they could go to his place and she was there half an hour later.

It had been nice, very nice, but it felt wrong. She tried to distract herself from it but she knew those weren't the hands she wanted on her body, that wasn't the voice she wanted to hear, those weren't the eyes she wanted to look into. And it somehow made her feel guilty and sad. And she felt especially bad since she had missed a class to shag with a dude just to try and fail to convince herself she didn't have feelings for Ian. Which only made her feel stupid that she hadn't realized it before, she needed for a very mean Abed to spell it out for her. She wasn't in love, it wasn't as fatal as that. She just wanted to hang out with him and have the permission to kiss him whenever she felt like it, she wanted to wake up at his place, dressed in his clothes after watching some football match and staying over on his bed, she wanted him to fix a strand of her hair that was dangling in front of her face just to kiss her right after. She mentally grunted. If it wasn't love then it was dangerously close to getting there.

She ended up going back to the campus past her timetable requirement. She told herself she was coming back to grab her backpack and a few things from her locker but she was lying to herself once more, she was going back to see Duncan. Since the only thing that her head kept saying was that Abed was right, she had to do something about it. Anything. She wished she had stayed oblivious to her own feelings for a bit longer, just to ignore them. But since she knew how she felt, she had to see him, to deal with it, to have it be true.

The bus stopped where she needed it to, Greendale. She stepped out of it and started walking. With an undecided and slow pace she marched to her professor's office, to tell him... something. She wasn
't sure what she was going to say or even do. She had no plan, no exit strategy, just an idea, "I think I want to date you". She stood in front of the office door, fidgeting with her shirt. She was about to knock when she looked down at her body. She suddenly felt self-conscious about her appearance. She tried to cover her legs by tying her coat on her waist, the comments done on her body creeping back into her mind. She sighted, she couldn't go home to change or put on some make up, no. She had come as she was, hair messy, make up slightly smudged, clothes wrinkled and probably dirty from being on some guy's bedroom floor. She knocked on the door and waited.

— Who is it?

— Alex. — she heard him stand up, and move for a few seconds.

— Uh, — he mumbled — come in.

She opened the door and found him standing next to his desk, one hand lingering on it, the other holding an empty glass. She smiled — Hey.

— Hi, hello. — he stuttered a bit in surprise — What's up?

Alex hesitated as she entered the office, she closed the door behind her and looked at him. He seemed confused, both shoulders tensed — Uhm- — she mumbled, looking into his soft, kind, brown eyes, wondering for how long she could get lost in them — I was just wondering If you wanted to, — "go out sometime" they were three easy words but she couldn't say it — y'know, — "go on a date" Blood rushed to her feet and her chest filled with fear — Uhm- have a drink right now?

— Sure. — he said, unconvinced that was all she had to say but following along nonetheless — I have wine. — he offered.

Alex nodded and he went behind his desk to look for it. She sat down on the blue couch and, for the first time, he sat there too. He put two tall glasses on the table and poured some wine in them.

— You think these shorts make my legs look bad? — she said, accidentally letting a thought escape her mind.

— What? — Ian inquired, taken aback by the content of her question. He gave her her glass of red wine as she mumbled while looking for an answer, embarrassment clear on her face.

— Nothing —she dismissed herself

Duncan smiled a bit, actually having heard her question — I think your legs look great. — he mumbled slightly into his glass, stealing a glance from her — They always do look great. — he quietly remarked afterwards. Alex heard it, he had meant for her to hear it, but she didn't dare to reply. She smiled, flustered, and tried to cover her gleeful face by sipping on her red wine.

— You wanted to talk about something? — he asked right after his first taste of the bitter red wine, still it was sweet compared to the scotch he had been sipping through the day, a fine scotch that a very relaxed Winger had gifted him, for some reason.

She looked into the red wine, hypnotized by the deep dark colour and the way it swayed on the glass. She shook her head — No. Just- — she looked at him, leaning the side of her body on the couch, her body facing him — tell me about your day. — she asked and he complied, telling her about an incident that happened in the lab that day. He was trying out some variables on the Duncan principle, mainly seeing how sounds and other sensory input outside of the subject's control could shorten the time of wait until the breakdown. Which it did. Especially for Chang, he said, telling her how he had broken the speaker he had put on the wall, delaying his project for a week or so. She asked some questions about it and even gave him an idea for a variable in the study; seeing if the subjects would break down faster when they were alone or in a room with other subjects.

He went on about the time he had thought of the principle, citing it as "the best use of my degree" and telling her about a few articles about it; for actual magazines about psychology and not just Greendale's paper. He kept talking about it, about psychology, starting to explain some concepts and case studies like it was the most exciting thing in the world and Alex watched him as he did. She saw a glimmer in his eyes. Feeling the interest for the subject in his voice. She wondered why he wasn't teaching at an actual college or, at least, one better than Greendale. He seemed to know a lot about the subject and be proactive with it. Was it the drinking that had led him there or having landed in such a place that had led him to drinking? She couldn't ask that, it seemed impolite to just ask it, so she hoped that some day she would find out. Finding him more and more intriguing by the day.

After a little while they ended up talking about the class she knew him from, talking about connections between the two. Duncan kept assuring her that psychology was better since it focused on why people do what they do and not just on what they do in general. He also complained that even if the subject was broad he was running low on things to do that weren't boring, so she started listing things that could qualify as studying Anthropology for the next few classes. She only managed to propose ordering different foods from different cultures, watching movies and playing football when she caught him staring. They both froze for a moment and almost instantly looked away, both slightly flustered.

She finished the last of her drink on one swing and stood up, shuffling a little in her place — I better get going if I want to catch the bus. — she excused herself.

— Yeah, sure. — he stood up, hands fumbling in the air before landing on his brown pants — Thanks for stopping by.

She smiled politely — Thanks for the drink. — she went towards the door and opened it, stopping on the threshold and turning around just to say — Bye, now.

She closed the door behind her and took a deep breath before walking to her locker. She saw Abed waiting for her, standing in front of the blue locker. She felt the faint smile on her lips fade a bit. She wondered, was this Regular Abed or Mean Abed?

— Alex, I'm sorry. — Regular Abed — Britta, Annie and Shirley got into my head and they liked when I was blunt and also robocop. — she frowned, confused as to how those two things were related — And then they said everyone was a bitch so my programming dictated I should insult everyone. — he paused for a moment, probably for dramatic effect, and then stated — I'm sorry.

— Abed... —she trailed off, sighting at the inevitability of her forgiveness, knowing what it felt to want to be liked. She stopped for a second, thinking of a more pressing point — How did you know I was gonna be here?

— You never leave for the day without you backpack

— Am I really that predictable? — she worried and Abed shrugged, it was her routine. She breathed in and exhaled slowly, going back to the first topic — It's alright, Abed. — she assured him.

He let a quick silence pass before asking — You didn't do what I said you should do right?

— No. — she frowned, waiting for him to speak

— Cool. Cool, cool, cool. That would've screwed up the pacing a bit

She deepened her frown, a feeling similar to the one she had that morning towards him resurging in her chest — Yeah, that would've been the only problem with that. — Abed, frowned for a second and she exhaled, knowing he hadn't meant to upset her. She looked away, rolling her eyes and slouching her shoulders down — You don't know some things.

Abed quickly interrupted her — Is this going to be a lot of exposition on a tragic backstory that brings some conflict into the main plot?

— Abed! — she complained with a sigh. Resigned, she turned to her locker ready to get her things and go home — Nevermind.

— Wait. — he said as she grabbed her backpack and closed the door. Abed wasn't good with faces and social cues but he understood he had said the wrong thing. He walked fast to get in front of her — I'm sorry. I want to help you, you're my friend. And also, I was mean to you. — she pressed her lips together, unsure as to what to say — You can tell me.

Alex straightened up and grabbed the straps of her backpack, looking at him in a questioning manner — You'll be sensitive about this? — he nodded. She looked at him as if she was testing him with her look — Promise?

— I'll be sensitive, supportive and serious, like a best friend on a tv drama with high emphasis on romance. Even if this doesn't feel like tv. It's another medium, I'm not sure which. — Alex stared at him, unsure of what to say to that. Abed shook his head for a second before continuing with — Nevermind. Your backstory, go.

Alex nodded, unsure on whether having him say that was a good thing or not. She sighted knowing there were only a few more people she would tell what she was going to tell Abed and that only he would know why it mattered in relation to Ian — In highschool my best friend and I were inseparable. And we were- — she hesitated for a moment. It wouldn't matter to him, Abed was cool like that — We were together. Dating. — she watched his eyes flick for a moment but nothing else in his face changed so she continued — And I- I loved her. — she smiled sadly, holding herself between her own arms — And I was sure I was going to spend my life with her but- she passed away, a long time ago. And I miss her. — she was glad there weren't a lot of people passing through the hall. Only Abed and a janitor heard her voice tremble — I miss her so much. She was the first love I ever had and she was so much more beautiful and nice and better than I'll ever be, but I never felt less with her. — she gave herself a moment to recover her voice and continued — And I thought I would never want to be with anyone after her. I swore I wouldn't. But now I do. And I- — she pursed her lips and shook her head, eyes glistening with droplets of salty water that didn’t drop — I don't know how to deal with it.

Abed was quiet. He wasn't accustomed to emotional drama. They did some drama, him and the study group, but it was mostly comedy and action. This was different. He should delve more on the subject, especially since her friend's spin off seemed to be a bit more dramatic than he initially thought. He lit up for a second, maybe he was the comic relief guy. Nice.

— I'm sorry about that, Alex. — he said, thinking back to the only thing that seemed to work in situations like these on TV and movies — She sounds wonderful. — he finished off by putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, squeezing it a little.

Alex nodded as Abed let her shoulder go. That was such a tv line, but it felt right and it was somewhat nice to be on the receiving end of it — She was.

There was a quiet moment in the conversation as Abed counted the seconds to say — But you know I was right, right? — she looked at him with an eyebrow shooting up — About the tragic and plot relevant exposition of your backstory.

— Yeah, — she nodded, feeling the stress from reliving that story shake off her shoulders — I hate it. — she chuckled as she joked, both of them starting to walk towards the campus entrance — Too heavy handed.

— Rooky mistake. — he noted — Show, don't tell

— How do I show that?

Abed shrugged — Crying at the cemetery, flashbacks. — She did a semi-approving gesture, mumbling a "yeah, I guess" — Maybe someone who knows this brings it up? — he said, a bit more excited by that idea than the ones before.

— Too late, we're going with heavy handed expotition.— she jokingly lamented and followed up with a more cheerful — If anything it's your fault for not knowing my backstory.

— Yeah. You're right. — he said, nodding before asking — Is there any more backstory I should know of?

She laughed even if she knew he was serious and decided to go along — Yeah, sure

Chapter Text

Alex hadn't visited Duncan's office that week. She had been busy. It was her father's birthday and she always went to visit him at the cemetery. And even if that was just one day, she used it as an excuse to herself. The truth was she could've gone to his office, she almost had, but was too scared to do it. Even in class, she could barely look at him without her mind flooding with thoughts of his sweet smile, his dumb cute face and those deep dark brown eyes he carried. She hated it. It would barely let her think. But at that moment she couldn't spare her thoughts of him. She needed to see him and drink some more. And the bus couldn't take her to campus fast enough. 

Her mind wouldn't sit still. Going over every bit of the fight with her brother. She did everything to chase the memories out of her head. Eyes glistening with tears and face twisting in pain as the fight flashed through her eyes. All of that over a fucking bottle of vodka. 

She should've gotten rid of it. She should've said it wasn't hers when he confronted her about it. She should've done anything other than say "What? I can't have a drink?" It was such a stupid answer but she was fairly drunk and that was the best thing she'd come up with. A defiant, stupid one liner. 

It was obvious where it would lead. And so it did. It led them to argue about everything from her drinking to her past and her future. He basically listed every way she had let him or their mother down. And since the both of them had a temper it kept going, getting louder and more aggressive by the minute. Neither of them let it go. Just screaming and bringing to the front old problems that never got resolved. 

The worst part was that she knew she was in the wrong. She knew she was the culprit of that entire fight but she wouldn't back down, a part of her in a defense mode that only led her to make him angrier with arrogant comments and the haughty attitude she'd put up. 

But, for a moment, he stopped. He took a breath and started over, talking calmly — I just don't understand why you do this. Is it because of dad's birthday? Did something happen? 

Alex looked at him, the compassion in his face twisted her face for a second. Yet, she coldly replied — It was just a drink, Franco. Get off my back. — she knew it would do nothing but aggravate the situation, and aggravate it did. 

— Oh, for fuck's sake, Ale! — he shouted, fed up with her attitude — Just a drink? It was an entire bottle of vodka in a day! — he took a short breath retrieving his hand from up in the air to leave one on his left hip, just like their father used to do — You always fucking do this! — she flinched at the shout, stumbling backwards afterwards — You start feeling however the fuck you feel and you retrieve to this shitty behaviour and then bite back when we try to help before you hit rock bottom. 

She felt so called out and it was so accurate. She shook her head, mostly to herself, and defended a — I don't do that! 

— You fucking do. — he said, exasperated to the point where he almost sounded calmed — You drank yourself into an alcohol poison three times now. And everytime time you disappear I'm sure I'll wake up with a call from the hospital or someday maybe the the fucking morgue. — he sounded so disappointed and angry in a way that felt so distant. Like if he didn't really know her. Like if she was just a person who bothered someone he knew. She saw his face turn a little angrier as he said in a contemptuous manner — If you're really that hell-bent on dying, why don't you do it quicker? 

She froze up. They both did. He had said it like it was nothing. The same way one would say "why don't you go fuck yourself, then?" to a stranger at a bar. And he seemed to regret it the second it left his mouth. Probably because he saw the way her face twisted in pain, and maybe he even heard her heart break. 

— Fuck. — he mumbled, regret and pain tainting his voice — Alex, I swear I didn't mean that. — he took a step towards her, trying to make peace, thinking of hugging, reaching her but she retreated back. Her eyes showed the deep ache that was twisting and turning in the middle of her soul — Please. — his voice sounded broken, almost as if he was close to tears, it only hurted her. It felt like little daggers cutting up her lungs — Please, Alex. I'm sorry. — she slowly shook her head and mindlessly moved backwards before going to the door —  I'm sorry. Ale, wait-! — she heard him shout after her but she kept running, keys in hand and tears on her face. 

She stopped running once she got to some solace she knew, the bus stop. She sat down and turned off her phone when it started ringing, not wanting to talk to him or anyone. Anyone but-.

She took the bus shortly after that. Maybe it was a force of habit, or maybe she had a person in mind. A person whose name was engraved on a plate hanging on the door she was knocking. 

Relief washed over her body when he opened the door, a soft smile on his lips, the same one he wore whenever he would see her. However it faded the second he saw her tear-stained face. Ian let her come in without even saying a word. She settled into the room and turned around as he closed the door — Do you got... anything? — she asked as she sat down on the couch. 

— Wine or scotch? 

She thought back on the drink of choice she had that afternoon and decided to go with something softer for that moment — Wine. 

He got her wine. Cheap red wine that didn't taste quite right. Luckily she wasn't savoring it. Alex was drinking just to get drunk. She set the empty glass on the table, wordlessly asking for more. He gave her more and she drank it up until the glass was half empty, when she abruptly stopped. He looked at her, eyebrows shot up almost asking if she was alright. 

— I really want to get drunk. — she explained, a little bit out of breath from the non-stop drinking — Unable to walk, talk or think type of drunk. 

He nodded a bit too hypnotized by her face — Alright. Let's get blasted, then. 

— Thanks. — she said before drowning her second drink. And a third. Duncan tried to keep up, but he could barely do it, too concerned by the look on her face and the silence she was keeping. She was rarely quiet and not listening. And she could barely make eye contact with him. He wondered if all of that behaviour had anything to do with the fact she hadn't gone to his office all week. 

Alex stopped by the sixth glass, knowing she was drunk already and feeling nothing but awful. He saw her look away at some empty space in the room. She looked so distraught. He could almost read the endless stream of thought on her mind through her face. 

— Do you wanna talk about it? 

— I- — she started off but realized she wasn't going anywhere. She sighted — I don't know. — she mumbled while taking a long sip of wine. Her eyes started to get glassy and he panicked at the idea of having to console her. Luckily he didn't have to. Only a second later she turned her head to look at him, eyes still watery — Do you know why you drink? 

She had caught him off guard and he could only ask — What? — as she finished her drink. 

She cleaned her mouth with the back of her hand — If you know why you drink? 

— I think I do. — he said, looking at her as she stumbled to get some more wine on her glass, not spilling any by what seemed to be pure luck. She looked at him, tired eyes and glass full — I do know. 

— Can you fix it? 

— I doubt it. 

— But, like. If you could, — she said, she said, after taking a long sip of her wine. She looked at Ian with a concentrated and confused frown as she nursed her glass near her chest — would you stop? 

He looked at her for a second before taking a sip from his glass, looking pensive and conflicted — I hope so. — he settled, voice tainted with disillusionment and doubt. He looked down to his glass and drank it just as fast as Alex had when she showed up. 

She felt bad, asking so many questions and bringing his mood down. She took a sip as he poured himself another glass. She tried to say something but all she could do was to ramble about herself — I don't think I know why I do this. I mean, I knew before, but now. — she looked at her glass, feeling as if she was lying but not knowing why — I'm not sure. 

Ian watched her for some time, studying her. She looked up and glared at him, a questioning look that showed just how nervous she got while being under his gaze. To her relief, he spoke — Do you really don't know or are you saying you don't so you won't have to do something about it? 

She smiled, hiding how close to home he had been — Oh, you're good. — she teased — You should get out of this shitty college and go teach at a real one. 

He smiled — Yeah, and you're deflecting. 

— Real good. — she teased, with a knowing look and a playful drunken grin. He chuckled for a second with her. 

A soft hush fell on them as he gave out a sweet smile to his glass — You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. — he clarified, eyes switching from his drink to her face. Looking at her with clear care on his gaze. She straightened up a little. A soft and thrilling quiver quickly passed through her stomach in anticipation. He left his drink on the table after a last sip and looked at her once more — I'm just worried. I want to help. 

Her eyes stayed on his, a hopeful and sad look painted on them. Mouth slightly open, fingers twirling on themselves. His hand was softly touching her forearm to bring her some sort of comfort that only he seemed able to provide. He looked into her eyes and for an instant they were on the same moment, on the same thought. 

Alex couldn't help herself as she leaned in. And Ian didn't resist it, not one bit. The roughness of her kiss took him by surprise but he went along with it. Gracing the side of her neck with his hand as she leaned further into his body, only after leaving the half empty glasses on the table. 

For a moment he wondered if she was kissing him to shut him up. Maybe to avoid talking about her issues. But he knew that wasn't it. She hadn't kissed him when he asked about it. She kissed him when he said he cared. He knew enough about her to figure that out, but he figured it wasn't about him carrying for her, it was about anyone caring for her. He was a little off on that count. 

She started kissing him hurriedly, hand tracing down on the sides of his body, happy that he had gotten rid of his sweater a glass of wine ago. She kept touching him until she reached his belt. She started to get rid of it, a sly smile on her busy lips. But, against the fervent wish of every cell on his body, he stopped her — I don't think that's a good idea. — he breathed against her lips, his hands on hers. 

— Why not? 

— You're drunk. — he whispered, unable to understand why did it matter to him then if it never really did before. 

— So are you. — she half-ass complained, frustration obvious in her voice. Her want and desire grew with the heat of his body — It's just- — she leaned towards him, preying on his lips with hers, looking down at them and then up at his eyes. She was sure he wanted her. She could tell, could almost feel it. So why wasn't he doing something about it? She sighed, getting discouraged on her pursuit but tried just one more time — Please, Ian. 

Duncan's brain short-cirquited — Fuck. — he breathed out against her lips, swallowing down nothing right after. She was almost begging. Asking "please have sex with me". Please. She really did not know how mesmerising she was to him. How much of a wild dream it seemed to him to have her ask for It, let alone want it. 

She would've never said that if she hadn't been drunk. Never in her life had she pleaded for sex. But it didn't matter at the moment, she just wanted him. All of him. From his kisses and soft touch to everything she had yet to discover. So she asked again knowing it had done something to him, only this time she felt more in control — Please? — she was looking deep into his eyes and asking for an answer. A positive one, if she could get it. She saw his pupils dilated and his lips almost crashed into hers. She closed her eyes and smiled just a little bit through the rough kiss.

He tightly gripped her by the waist as he kissed her. She knelt on the couch, letting their bodies meet in spite of the clothes. Kissing him deeper, she crossed her left leg to the other side of his leg, straddling it between her. It reminded him of a hazy memory that seemed to belong to a dream. It made a rush of adrenaline run through him like a lighting bolt, striking all his instincts into action. He lifted his leg a few inches, feeling the fabric of her jeans through the fabric of his khakis. She kissed him deeply as she started rolling her hips back and forward on his leg, her breath getting heavier by the second. He guided his hands down to her hips to feel her movements. It could've driven him insane. He lifted the leg a bit more and helped her press down enough that she had to let go of the kiss to bite her lower lip. He looked at her, studying her every expression. She had her eyes closed and had a soft frown on her face, one of pleasure and concentration. God knew he wanted to be the source of that pleasure and more, for as long as he could.

With the only goal of having as much of her as he could in mind he started kissing her neck. Luckily she seemed to like it, giving out a sight the very second he started. Kept kissing her, tasting her skin with soft wet kisses at first. She encouraged him to keep going, exposing her neck so he could have more of her skin to his will. He nibbled to see if she liked it and was rewarded with a drowned moan and a deep inhale. So he started sucking, nibbling and biting harder and harder, working towards a moan she could not drown. And he did it. He started sucking on a spot below her jaw and coordinated to lift his leg as he bit down on that spot. It felt like heaven to hear her like that, even if it was so soft. He wanted to hear it a thousand times more.

Luckily it reminded him of something.

— Fuck. Wait. — he whispered, leaving her neck lacking his lips and her body his heat. She looked at him with a puzzled look as he stood up and she settled down on the couch. She eyed him as he walked to the door and locked it.

Alex smiled slyly as he turned around — Good thinking. — she looked at him and fidgeted under his piercing gaze. He had his pupils full blown, messy hair and cheek flustered. She probably looked similar, messy hair, bruised lips. She was sure she looked even more red than him, feeling her cheeks and chest flushed, knowing the nibbling and biting on her neck wouldn't have gone unmarked.

He started walking towards her and she inadvertently started opening her legs to him, leaving one of them on the couch and the other one standing on the floor. She shivered under his hungry eyes as he took his place between her legs. He led her to lay down on the couch and let his body hover above her. He started kissing her lips with a passionate rush. Biting her every now and then, only to push his tongue in shortly after. She sighted a bit at it as her hands made their way to tangle themself up in his hair.

Ian's hands traced down her body trying to feel every bit of her he could, savoring every little part. He slowly reached her jeans. He unbuttoned them and then carried on to unzip it almost painfully slowly, his lips kissing her, slowly. His hand slithered between the fabrics. He smiled into the kiss as he felt her up, feeling her lean her hips into his touch. She wanted him and that was all he could care about at that moment.

The sound of her sneakers falling on the ground made him smile. The idea of getting her out of her clothes so close to becoming a reality. He traced up along her knickers, applying enough pressure to tease her with it and she breathed in as a response. He slowly straightened up and started to get her off of her jeans.

The view of her looking up at him as she was only wearing her knickers and shirt was one he didn't want to look away from. But the memory of her warm lips, soft skin and soft, enticing sounds didn't let his body be far from hers for long.

Fast as a magnet goes to metal, his lips were back on her's. She smiled as his hand went back down, finally his soft and long fingers on her skin. She still had her panties on but his hand was fully ignoring them, having them moved to the side in a rushed manner. The way he touched her almost made her shiver. It was soft and slow but he seemed so eager to touch every inch of her. It was almost like he was restraining himself to try and be gentle. She grabbed the side of the couch as he kissed her, being unable to hiss or moan at his long finger playing above her foldings, indirectly pressing down on her clit.

He slowly retreated and moved to her entrance to dip his fingers and tease her, slowly moving back up, his fingers wet because of her. She spread her legs to help him reach the most sensitive part of her, slowly letting her lips go and starting to nibble the soft of her ear. A quiet moan escaped her lips as he went on to softly kiss her jawline. His hand started to take a slow and steady pace, drawing with his finger small circles, pressing on her clit so softly that made her grind her hips against his hand for more. He started pressing down and picking up the pace, she rewarded him with a moan and a few kisses on his jawline. She felt him smile against her neck. He retrieved his finger just to tease her and make her whine. And she did. She whined with a high pitched moan, begging him to please her once more. He bit her neck in response, slowly re-starting the movement of his hand. He paced it up and pressed harder again, earning a few more drowned moans from her.

Ian straightened up, enough to look down at her as she enjoyed herself against his hand. It took her a moment to notice but, when she did, she opened her eyes. A soft crimson shade ran through her cheeks as she saw the way he was looking at her. His eyes were full of lust but there was a sweetness to it. She felt him dip his middle finger on her and lost a bit of restrain. It was like he had crossed a line, a line that begged to be crossed and demanded her to get more. Her hands rushed to grab his tie, pulling him in against her and erasing that lustful grin off his face. She kissed him so roughly that he could barely focus to keep up the pace of his fingers.

Alex's hands got rid of his tie and started working on the buttons of his shirt. He helped her get it out of the way, fingers leaving her core before he grabbed the bottom of her shirt and lifted it over her head, leaving both of their torsos exposed to the air. He smiled at the view and almost instantly went down to kiss the top of her beasts. She smiled as he kissed her skin, her hands tracing the side of his torso, enjoying the attention her cleavage was getting. His hand ambushed her from the side of her left boob as he went further down with his kisses on the right one.

Alex's hands reached down to the side of his hips and pressed him against her, asking for some friction on her core. He complied, bucking his hips against her as his lips busied themselves on her sensitive skin. Her knees slowly wrapped themselves on his hips, almost demanding more of him. She smiled as she got it, the feeling of his hardened shaft under those few layers of clothing driving her mad.

Her greedy hands started to reach down not long after, slowly grabbing him above his boxers. She felt him suck harder on her skin and grip tighter on her body as she started to caress him over that thin layer of clothing. She was both rewarding and encouraging him — Oh, god, that feels good. — he whispered in a low husky voice that still carried his accent and raspy-ness to it. 

He didn't wait any longer, suddenly moving away from her to get his pants and boxers off his body. She took the cue and took her underwear off, not daring to break eye contact with him. Letting his hungry eyes see all of her in the dim light of his office. He left his shoes, pants and boxers on the same spot as he went back to where he was. Recovering his place between her legs. His hard dick almost begging to be held. She licked her hand and grabbed him, hearing him almost whimper at the contact. She started to move her hand up and down, starting down slow and pacing it up a little. She checked his face for his reactions as she pressed a bit harder on him. He gave out a raspy moan as he ducked his head down, hips bucking against her hand.

After a few more strokes and moaning later he looked up and kissed her deeply. His hand grabbed the side of her face and she smiled inwardly. He let her go from the kiss but neither of them opened their eyes, swimming for a few seconds on that lustful haze they found themselves in — Let me fuck you.

She nodded and kissed him, releasing him from her grip. He started to place himself to do it when she stopped him for a moment — Wait. Do you have any condoms?

He thought for a second before answering — The table behind you has a drawer. In there. — she smiled and traced behind her, grabbing the box and giving him a teasing smile.

— Do this often?

— Not by a long shot. — And he seemed to be telling the truth since that box was full and didn't seem to be brand new.

Ale gave him one and put the box away as he put the condom on himself. She slyly smiled as he started to prey on her, slowly making her lean down on his couch. He kissed her right before he slowly entered on her, making her softly moan into his lips.

They started out slow, falling into an easy pace that he seemed to be pacing up every few seconds. Her ankles started to trace up his legs, finding a place on his ass, softly encouraging him to press down further. Her hands roaming through the sides of his torso as she tried to move as much in sync with him as she could.

Ian reached deep into her causing a moan to escape her lips, and then again making her give out a louder one. He watched her as he made her moan again and again, a soft grunt leaving his parted lips accompanied her sounds ever so often. And he did it again and again until her moans were almost loud enough for someone to hear, then he leaned down to her and let her moan in his ear, just because he could, and softly told her — Quiet, love. We wouldn't want someone to hear, now, would we? — Alex desperately hummed in agreement, he had sounded so hot with that growly voice whispering in her ear, almost scolding her about it. She sighted, a bit frustrated as she had to hold herself down and nodded for him. He kept up his pace, leaving her no alternative to moaning but for her nails to dig into his back and drag dowards whenever he would've made her moan.

He slowly stopped kissing her, too focused on fucking her right. His head fell on the crook of her neck, and he let himself bite and kiss her shoulder as he started to pound harder against her. Alex inadvertently let one of her hands grab the back of his head, grabbing his hair and almost pulling at it. She let him hear some of her whines and moans, whispering in his ear how much she liked it. She had to bite his shoulder a few times to keep her moans from being too loud.

Once she moaned for him a — God, Ian. Please. — his pace became faster and harder, almost erratic. The moans and whines she gave out almost drove him insane. She pressed her face against his shoulder once she noted she was getting too loud again, having every moan, gasp and wisper get drowned on his skin, hoping no one would hear them.

She guided her own hand down to her core, pleasing the part of her that was lucky enough to be first touched by Ian. She slowly coaxed herself into her climax, with Duncan hitting that spot just right, having her body shiver under his for a short moment. Once she regained a bit of energy she started kissing Ian's skin, hearing his soft moans and grunts, caressing his back, giving him soft incentives to finish. And he did, with a low grunt that made her want to start the whole thing over again just to hear it one more time. She softly kissed his jaw and cheek as he caught his breath.

After a little while he turned to her and kissed her lips before pulling away to look at her. She chuckled a bit at his glasses being fogged up from the heat. And he chuckled too. And it probably was the high of just having finished but she was sure that was the best sound in the world.

Chapter Text

Ian was laying next to her. His eyes were closed and there was a soft layer of sweat on his forehead that he quickly dried off with his right hand, leaving the other one acting as an impromptu pillow for his head. They were laying on his office couch but it all seemed strangely distant to her. For a moment it seemed to be in a haze of nonexistence, almost as if it was a dream, even if she knew it was real. But then, he opened his eyes. She felt herself sober up with the gaze he was sharing with her. It seemed to be every single thing and nothing at all. It was just sharing a look, but so much more too.

She felt his right hand slowly make its way through her waist only to stop at the small of her back short after. She felt herself relax at the warm caress of his skin. She inadvertently nuzzled up against his body, closing her eyes, laying her head on his folded arm, breaking the almost nonexistent space that was between them. The tip of his nose was touching the bridge of hers and she could feel his breathing against her skin. Her right arm was weirdly stuck between their body's, hand softly touching his chest and feeling it rise and fall with his breathing. She was so close to him that she felt like they could kiss and melt into the other almost instantly. But that thought scared her.

She pulled back a little, thinking of all the reasons why she shouldn't feel like that, why she shouldn't melt into him, into anyone. So she did the only thing she knew how to do.
Alex pulled away and sat up on the couch. She quickly located and grabbed her underwear from the floor and put it on, standing up as she did. She grabbed the rest of her clothes and put them on the table to get dressed. She noted Ian was following her lead and getting dressed, too, and she could feel his eyes on her, burning on the side of her face. She didn't look at him but she knew he was staring. Whether he was looking at her body, her face or just her general direction was unclear and she didn't dare to look and find out.

Alex was right, as he got dressed, Duncan kept looking at her. Part of it was to see her almost naked body for what he feared to be the last time. It was a sort of souvenir. Something like Jeff weird conquest trophies. He wondered if he could manage to keep anything of hers. He backtracked, that would be creepy.

It was just a last look of her like that. Of her bruised neck, the redness of her lips and her messy hair. All because of him. But in part he was looking at her because she seemed like she was about to run away. She was dressing in a sudden rush and wasn't looking at him. He was a little worried about her regretting it and wanting to leave but he was more worried that she was going to leave without saying anything. He knew that was where trouble would start.

Alex was already fully dressed and was looking for her cellphone. Duncan on the other hand was missing his tie, belt and just putting his shoes on. Quietly, and as she looked for her phone, he was thinking of how to proceed if she were to run off his office without a word, should he follow while only wearing one shoe, let her run away and hope she would talk to him later, stop her before she even crossed the door. None of them were ideal. However, those thoughts came to a halt once she found the cellphone, they both stood still as she saved it in her jean’s back pocket. She stayed put for a moment after that, eyes on the half empty glass she had left on the table. If she wasn't going to stay there she would have to go home. She could crash in Abed's dorm but she didn't feel like that would be a good idea, Abed would ask questions about some of the light bruises on her neck or something and she would have to talk about it, the last thing she wanted to do was talk about it. Her mind ran through the dreadful ideas of having to go home, having to face Franco and her mom. She sighted and grabbed the glass from the table, drinking what was left of it.

She dried her mouth and gave herself a second or two before looking at Duncan — I've got to go. — she explained as she put the glass down on the table, slowly walking towards the door — I'll- I'll see ya tomorrow, okay?

She didn't wait for a real answer but did look into his eyes just for a moment before leaving. He was confused, a bit disappointed and feeling even more lonely than before she got there. He took his glass from the table and drank it. At least she said she'd see him tomorrow. She had probably gotten confused since the day after that would be a Saturday but he decided to take the spirit of her words and assume she would see him Monday.

She stopped for a second by the bathroom before leaving the school, too afraid of seeing Abed or Troy and spilling everything out before saying hello. Hell, she would even tell Starburns about it. She needed to have her feelings out in the open but she was too afraid of doing it. Telling Abed that one time hadn't been enough. She didn't expect herself to act on her feelings so she barely talked to him about that. But right then, having mostly acted on her loneliness, horniness and drunkenness, it was too real. What she told him were mostly rhetorical fears at the time, now they were real and seemed to be much more serious than she first thought.

The second she got to the street she sat down on the stairs of the college's entrance, too dizzy to keep walking without stumbling. She wondered what time it was, not even knowing what time it was when she left home. She had been drunk most of the day, but she was pretty sure she left three or four hours after midday, now the sunlight was soon to be gone. She thought about checking the time on her phone but her hands laid heavy on her lap. Just like her feet on the ground and her body altogether. It felt like that because she didn't want to be anywhere, and that bench was as close to being nowhere as she could get, and she was sure she had just ruined the only place she felt alright to be in.

Her mouth was dry and the bench uncomfortable but she didn't move. Her eyes looking ahead but not really looking at anything. Some people walked by her but most didn't do more than give her a judgy or pitiful look. She didn't care, too out of her own head to notice, her mind going back and forward from one point to the other but never really reaching any final thought. Most of the time feeling dizzy and sad, until she felt mostly just sad. She didn't move then either. The lights in the streets had turned on but the sky wasn't entirely dark yet and she was thinking that going home was inevitable but she kept delaying it and making it worse. And just as she was close to convincing herself that she should call her brother, a warm hand laid on her shoulder. Maybe the hand wasn't really warm but she was really cold, she was shivering a bit after all. She looked up to her side, seeing the sweet smile of a stranger.

A thirty-ish year old woman with a round face, dark brown eyes with hooded lids and brown skin looked down at her, kind yet concerned look on her eyes — Are you okay? — Alex tried to smile but she seemed to be unable. The woman grew a bit more concerned and eyed her down — Having a hard time coming in? — she asked, drawing her own conclusions by the way that Alex looked.

— Coming where?

— The meeting. — it clicked on her head right on the spot. The AA meetings that happened on campus that Ian had mentioned — Do you want to go in with me?

Alex froze for a second, her brain reacting with a clear "No", yet she nodded. The lady stepped back and let Alex stand on her own, she stumbled a bit but she quickly regained her balance — Sorry. — she murmured.

— It's alright. We've all been there. — she gave her a compassionate smile and softly nodded as she assured her — Don't worry.

Alex tried to smile. That woman was so nice, so understanding and, unlike Ian, she hadn’t fucked her. She was all Alex needed right then so she followed her into this clean, well lit room where she once took History 101. It was different now, all the desks were off to the side of the room giving place to a circle of chairs facing the center of the round. She felt herself tense up. It looked just like in the movies and TV shows where scenes of character development, emotional breakthroughs, anger and tears would take place. Her chest filled up with fear. She didn't want to feel vulnerable, sad and exposed. She wanted not to feel any of those things, or anything for that matter.

Ale stopped dead in her tracks promoting the kind woman to look at her with concern — I'm sorry. This is useless. — Ale said as she shook her head. She stumbled a few steps back, face twitching with concern — I shouldn't be here.

— Hey, wait. — she stopped at the request. She saw her open her mouth to speak but hesitating a little before doing it — What's your name?

— Alex

— Alright, Alex. I'm Evelyn. — she introduced herself, looking at Alex with a compassion that didn't feel demeaning and even calmed her down a bit — I know trying may seem hard and painful, and it is, but it's not useless. — she emphasised — It's almost everything but that.

Alex sighted, eyes flickering to the side as if she was regretting her statement — I know. — she sighed — I think I want to do this. It's just- — she took a second to actually say it, almost looking like a teenage girl checking that no one else could hear the shameful secret she was about to say — I'm scared. — she finally let out — I don't want to screw this up.

There went her plan for no vulnerability or emotional breakthroughs.

It felt strange, she realized, to say something she hadn't realized until that moment and not feel bad. Most of the times where she realized something like that were times where she would be at a low place, fighting with her family or alone and drunk. It surprised her, to say the least.

— I get that you're scared, but there is no screwing this up. — Evelyn's words put her back into her mind and she tried to listen carefully — Not if you just keep trying. — she resolved — There's no way to lose if you don't let the game be over. Right? — Evelyn gave her a playful closed smile that Ale tried and failed to return, looking at the ground after the unsuccessful attempt. Evelyn noted the younger woman's retraction. For a moment she felt that impotence she used to feel when she was where Alex was at that moment. She figured she could use the words she had heard some time ago — It's alright if you're not ready today, you can come tomorrow or the day after that- but just try, keep trying and maybe someday it'll be alright. — Alex nodded, looking straight into her eyes, holding onto her words as if they were a promise — Let me give you my number.

— Why would I need your number?

— In case you choose to face the fear and try. — she shrugged — Or if you need help.

Just after Evelyn wrote down her number on a piece of paper the meeting started and Alex excused herself out of that classroom and back on the bench. She couldn't believe how much it frightened her. It was just people sitting in a circle of chairs but it seemed so grand, so imposing. It scared her more than turning on her phone to find hundreds of texts and missed calls from her mother and brother, so she did just that.

She frowned as she only saw her brother's name all over the screen and no "Ma" in sight. Before she entered the rabbit hole of texts she decided to put Evelyn's number on her phone, writing her down as Evelyn AA.

She looked at those two letters for quite a while. Thinking of what they meant. Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholic. She had referred to herself like that a few times, specifically when thinking about Ian's own alcoholism, but it still seemed weird. Like the word carried a certain gravitas she couldn't face. Maybe that's why they make you say it. I'm an alcoholic.

My name is Alejandra and I'm an alcoholic. I'm Ale and I am an alcoholic. — My name is Alex and I'm an alcoholic. — she felt her own deafening silence as those words slipped through the air — I'm an alcoholic. — she repeated, as if she was checking if she could say it again. She could.

She sighted. She wanted to go home and rest but there was only one good way to get there at that time. Especially since she didn't have money for a cab.

After deliberating on it for a little while, she turned her phone on. With a dozen notifications she saw her brother’s messages flood into her screen. She started skimming through them. The first few were apologises, asking her to come back, then he kept asking her to please not do anything stupid. She scoffed. Too late.

Her small mocking grin fell when she read the next message. "I know you turned off your phone but please Alex don't do anything stupid. Please come home. Please be safe. I didn't mean it. I swear. It was a stupid thing I said and I'm sorry. Please be ok. Please." She could almost hear him break down as she read it. She felt guilty. He had sent it three hours ago. He was fearing for her life and she was fucking around and drinking with her teacher. Sure he said some awful shitty thing but she couldn't help but to feel guilty. Was it like that everytime she left without saying where she was going? She remembered what his brother had said back at the beginning of the fight "Who do you think answers the calls you don't answer. I'm the one who has to calm mom down and tell her you'll be alright when I don't even fucking know that myself."

She sighted. How had she been so blind? She wasn't just hurting herself, she was hurting them too. She needed to stop it. She needed to do better. She slowly hugged herself with one arm and looked at the phone. She had to call him.

The phone didn't ring for long. And all she could feel was a knot in her stomach as his brother's voice sounded through the phone — Hello? — it stung. It was shaky and small. He sounded scared. She never thought he could be scared.

— Hey Franco. — there was a small silence that was broken by a sigh of relief.

— Ale. — he sounded more composed, still worried but not as afraid as before — Are you okay? — she didn't answer. She couldn't. Her voice flickered on her throat but stayed there — Where are you?

— I'm on campus. — she gave herself a pause, looking at her shoes on the floor. She was dying for a cigarette but she had forgotten them at home. She looked up, almost whispering — Can you come pick me up?

— Why were you not answering your phone? — he scolded her, sounding just like her mother when she was younger.

— Franco, can you please come get me? — she sighted, tired and already regretting the idea of going home — We can argue in the car.

As she waited she wondered what Ian was doing. He was probably drinking, she assured herself. She pictured him sitting in front his desk, looking at the couch they had just had sex in, hair ruffled, cheeks tainted red from the scotch, a few of the bites she had left on his neck showing through the popped collar of his shirt. She felt mortified at the idea of having to see him again. To have to explain to him- What would she explain to him? Her feelings, her fears? The fact that she doesn't want to see him again just because it is less painful than to see him? How could she explain what she had yet to understand herself? She looked at the cellphone in her hands. Maybe she should text him. Tell him that it was a one time thing, tell him she was sorry. She tried but couldn't, it was too much of a lie. She didn't want it to be a one time thing, she wasn't sorry. She wasn't sure what she wanted, even if deep down she knew what she wanted had something to do with how she felt about him, with what had happened. Still, she lied to herself, professing she didn't know.

Soon enough Franco was parking his car across from the bench she was sitting on. She looked up at his honking. Somehow she hadn't fallen asleep on the bench and was able to walk to the car without stumbling too much. She got in the car, avoiding looking at her brother as she sat down in the co-pilot seat.

There was a harsh silence in the car. The tension of it felt almost suffocating but Alex didn't do anything about it, she was waiting for him to talk. She wanted to apologize, sure, but she wasn't going to be the first one to break the silence. She was stubborn like that, unwilling to give up that part of her pride.

— You're a fucking idiot and you need help. — he spoke harshly. She looked away, malcontent and guilty. Somehow wanting to curse him off and apologize at the same time. He took a small breath and slightly turned to her, regret written all over his face — And I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm sorry. — she took a look at him as he was staring directly at the steering wheel — I didn't mean it.

— I know

He looked at her almost as if he didn't have a choice but to look at her — It just- you make me so fucking angry sometimes.

She gave a half smile and chuckled and he followed suit — Yeah, I know. — there was a small silence after that. It wasn't sad or tense. It was just the lack of words. Of her words. They both knew he didn't have much more to say yet — I'm sorry. — she said, breaking through the silence — I'm sorry I scared you and I- — she bit down on her own teeth and turned to her brother as she relaxed her jaw — I'm sorry I keep doing this.

— It's alright. — she looked at him as he nodded to himself, reassuring himself of his own words — I mean, it isn't, but- — he trailed off, giving her a defeated shrug.

— Yeah. — she said with a bitter chuckle and then sat back into her seat, weighing in the conversation they had, knowing it had yet to end. She felt a nerve pull on her stomach as she realized — You didn't tell mom, right?

He looked at her with a speck of disappointment in his eyes — I was hoping you would. — there was a hopeful sound to it. He was asking her to. She looked down to her legs. He felt like she had been lying about being sorry just from that reaction, she could tell by the sound of his hands tightening their grip on the steering wheel.

— Please no. — it was barely audible but he heard her — I'll be better, I swear, but — she looked at him, shaking her head as she said — I can't do it.

— Ale. — he warned in a disapproving manner, almost scolding her about her fears.

— Please.

— I can't keep doing this, Alex! — Frank snapped, throwing his hands against the steering wheel, aggressively letting it go, the car moving on itself by his movements. His brow was furrowed and his voice strained as if he was trying not to scream louder or not to cry, she wasn't sure which — I can't keep covering for you when you lie and then tell me that you're sorry, that you'll do better, to -sooner or later- end up here again! — this time his tone striked more like a plea. She bowed her head, shame and regret turning her stomach. Franco let out a shaky breath and waited for a moment before talking — I can't keep waiting for a rock bottom that'll finally make you stop. — he waited a second, talking softer than before — I have to know you'll be alright and I can't have that if you don't stop this.

— I'll stop drinking. — he faced her with a tired look, one of disappointment and disbelief, but most of all tiredness — I mean it. — she said, sincerely — I'll go to fucking AA meetings if you want me to. But, please, don't make me tell mom I started drinking again.

Frank kept looking at his hands on the steering wheel, eyebrows furrowed and jaw stiff, eyes sliglthly moving as if he was debating with himself — Fuck. — he breathed out and looked at her, almost analyzing her as if his eye carried lie detectors. He finally closed his eyes before looking ahead — Alright. But you'll tell her you're going to the meetings.

— I- — he gave her a look and she stopped, sighting and reluctantly nodding as she said — Alright.

— Alright.

She didn't answer, giving him the last word, knowing that even if he wouldn't admit it, he liked to have it, just like she did. Alex asked her brother to cover for her, to take her back to his place and let her sleep there. He did. Against every rational thought, he covered up for her. She was his sister after all, there wasn't much he wouldn't do for her.

She sat back on the seat as her brother turned the car on. She tried to doze off but she couldn't, her mind stuck revisiting every other time she had promised him she would try to do better, that she'd stop drinking. She sighted. They seemed too many to count. She meant it now and she had meant it most of those times. But she knew that after a while she wouldn't mean it anymore, after some time she would fall into the temptation of not being present, of not feeling, just for a few hours, a few days, some weeks, a month, a year. Her whole life. She hoped that would change.

Chapter Text

Ian didn't know how to deal with abandonment. Not in a healthy way, at least. And that was how he felt that Monday when she didn't show up, not even to say hi. He couldn't help but to feel disappointed. Especially given what had happened between them the week before.

How she had shown up to his office that friday, after a week without seeing him, drinking as if she was trying to break some sort of record, only to ask him to please have sex with her. And against his better judgement but for all his greater wants, he did. It was great except for the part where she ran out of the door right after. She said she'd see him the day after but she didn't. Granted, the day after that was Saturday so maybe she got a bit confused on that end, but she didn't see him the following Monday and didn't show up to class that Tuesday or Thursday, or even for their lunch on that month's pizza Friday. It had been a disappointingly dull and tiring week. He hadn't seen her once, hadn't even gotten a text from her. Yet he kept thinking about her, missing her company, her laughter, her body, her mere presence. He missed all and anything that could be missed about someone.

What was he supposed to do? All of his days had started to fill up with her and he got used to it. He had started to need it and it was nice. But now she was gone and it felt emptier than before. The part he had always felt missing now had the shape of her. So when the weekend came by again he was drinking even more than usual. Even more than he had through that week. Right then there were no actual tasks to get done, no responsibilities. No company, either. It was just him, his drinks and his thoughts, which seemed to be a more dreadful combination than ever.

He told himself that he was fine and he wasn't drinking that much, and, if he was, it wasn't because of Alex. He told himself it wasn't. It really wasn't about her. But whenever a thought of her came around he would wash it down with a glass of scotch. And it meant a lot of scotch and some gin, and anything else that was on his cabinet, because Alex seemed to be everywhere; sitting on the couch he was sitting on, laughing with him, preparing breakfast in the kitchen, sleeping in his clothes, lying naked next to him, under him.

He shook his head and drank half his glass but the memories wouldn't wash off anymore. It was her. The only thing his mind seemed capable of thinking was Alex and the lack of her. There was an emptiness that hadn't been remotely close to filled that Friday night and it somehow felt even emptier that night.

He always felt lonely, especially Saturday nights at his place, but drinking would somewhat help, it would distract him, but now the loneliness had a first and last name, the sweetest lips that he'd ever tasted and a face that he couldn't be distracted from. He wondered if there was any point in drinking anymore, wondered if he would ever have a peaceful rest from the memory of her or if the rest of his days would be spent thinking back to that Friday night. That night where her lips tasted so much like cheap vodka and whisky that vodka and whisky started to taste like her, that night where he felt her soft warm skin as if it was his own to explore, that night where she almost gave him all that he had been lacking, where he almost had her.
He shook his head and kept drinking, trying to taste her again.

He couldn't help but try to understand why she had needed to drink so much that day, what was she escaping? He figured it had something to do with her family. That seemed to be a sore issue for her. It was all she could talk about but the last thing she wanted to discuss. It would always seem to lead back to her mom or her brother. She barely ever talked about her father, probably on the account that he was dead, but he couldn't help but to wonder if there was something else there, as is usually the case with fathers.

He hated that he didn't actually know all that much about her. He wanted to know her, her family, her history, the way she viewed the world. He was interested in her, interested to get to know her, in every way he could think of, but there seemed to be a wall between her and most of the world. A wall with some see-through parts but a wall nonetheless. Even when they were having sex. He felt like she kept trying to keep it at a less personal level. Like if part of her heart was pulling away from it just to keep it physical. It hurted him to say the least, he wanted more.

He hated to admit it but he wanted caring looks and sweet caresses, even if it was just for that night. He wanted a connection. He wanted to connect like they had done with their friendship. It had been the first time he had had sex in over two years and he really wanted it to be more that just that. And now he couldn't help but wonder if it was too much for him to ask that of her. Maybe she was just hoping for a regular hookup and nothing more. He wondered if he could give her that. Could he manage to just get half of what he wanted? Would it be worse if he didn't even get at least half of it? Would it be more bearable if he had nothing to remind him of what he was missing? Of what he wanted the most?
He guessed he wouldn't be able to give her just that but he also knew he couldn't give up the opportunity of having her like that again, even if she felt so distant that it would kill him without dying.

Still, Ian couldn't help but to worry if he had done something wrong. He couldn't think of any one thing. When she pulled away, whether emotionally or physically, it seemed to be when he felt like they were getting closer. A sad thought made its way from the back of his mind. He thought that maybe it was him, maybe she was backing away because it was him.

A small ding broke the silence and he couldn't help but have his hopes rise to the idea of being a message from Alex, having forgotten he had just texted Winger to go to a bar. And even that fell through. He sighted at the "Can't. Busy'' shining on his screen. He went back to the message entry menu. Seeing Alex's contact right under an unanswered text from his mother. He absentmindedly opened Alex's messages. It was an old exchange that read "I have to pay you back for that whisky. I had most of it" "it was 120" "On the house then?"

He smiled and took a sip when that smile turned sour. He started typing and sent a "Hey" without even thinking about it and followed it with "Sor e its l8" a "u up," and "Alsp r wr cool?"

He looked at his phone, thinking of what else he could send. Maybe a smiley face.

Before he could send the very hard to write smiley face a ding came from his phone. "Hey" was all she had sent, his heart started racing a bit as he waited for something more to show up on the screen "We're cool" she answered, following it with a "Where are you?"

"Home. Want 2 comr" he sentreplied as fast as he could and added a “?” When he saw it he forgot to put it one.

On the screen popped a "You're drunk Ian. Go to bed". He could almost hear her say it. A small grin on her face that made her low voice sound even sweeter than usual.

He pouted and wrote "Com w me"

"Maybe next time. Get some rest"

He didn’t reply, looking at the ceiling and leaning back on the couch, letting a sight fall from his lips. "Next time", "See you tomorrow", it was all the same.

His eyes slowly fighted him to close down. “She’s right” he thought as he closed his eyes “I need to rest”

He slept mostly soundly through the night though he didn't quite rest. As he woke up he felt the world still spin a little and his head throb. He cursed off the midday sun and the blinds that left the light through even though they were closed. He slowly sat down and flinched at the sound of his cellphone hitting the ground. He picked it up and a memory from the night before jumped into his brain. He had started to text her. He wanted to know what he had sent but he was afraid to find out. He sighted and let his head fall downwards — Fuck. — he whispered, almost too softly to even hear it.

Ian looked at the phone and groaned. He quickly stood up and left it on the table. He would deal with it in a minute, first he needed to deal with the hangover.

He stood up and took an ibuprofen from the top cabinet in the kitchen. He drank it with a glass and a half of cold water, almost too fast. Still drinking the cold water, trying to drown the dry feeling of his throat, he put a kettle to the fire. He sat down on his kitchen stool once the tea was ready. One sugar, a splash of milk. He slowly drank it. He felt somewhat better as he did. The world wasn't spinning all that much and his headache was getting under control.

He went and grabbed the phone. Sitting back on the stool near the counter he winced at the messages he had sent. He needed to apologise, he wanted to.

His fingers hesitated, almost pressing the keys on his phone but not hard enough for any letter to appear on the screen. He kept thinking about what were the right words to say.

"Hello Alex, I wanted to apologise for the inappropriate messages from last night. They aren't as inappropriate as what happened Friday bu" No. He stopped and deleted it. Too formal. And he was sure he was starting to ramble with the whole Friday night thing.

He breathed and started again "Hey Alex" No "Alex," better "I'm sorry for txting that last n8. Hope we still cool" he read it through three times before deleting it. It was getting frustrating.

"Those texts. Am I right?" He wrote on a whim "Anyway, embarrassing. Let's forget about it" No. Terrible.

It seemed so hard to pick the right words to fit the occasion. He kept searching for something that said "I'm sorry if those messages made you uncomfortable but if they didn't I regret nothing". He could send those words but that would be considered blunt and rude and, even if he would usually be those things, it felt wrong to be like that with her.

His fingers slowly started typing a watered down version of what he wanted to say, deciding not to use abbreviations so it wouldn't seem too casual "Hi Alex, I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable with those messages. I'm sorry if I did." He read it again wondering if he should add something more, maybe a "If you want we can talk" but decided to just send the message as it was written.

Ian put the cellphone down as soon as he sent the message, like if he was looking away after pulling the trigger. The wait would be hell. His self worth and self respect lowering, rising and lowering, againg, like an emotional rollercoaster. He spiraled with regret of sending the message, reading over and over again. He went back to the messages from the night before, trying to convince himself that her tone was amused and not annoyed. He kept reading them over — "Come with me" Fucking brilliant. — he scoffed to himself.

He decided to let it be after a while, figuring it would do him no good, not that he was an usual advocate for his self care. He figured it was too much torture, even for him.

Reluctantly, he left the phone facing down on the countertop and looked ahead. What could he do to clear his mind? He looked at the bottle a couple of inches from him and reached. He was about to open when he remembered the night before, it seemed alcohol was no use against the thought of her. Even if he were to try it again, the hangover made him feel sick by the very idea of drinking. He sighted and let the bottle be. It made him feel uneasy, not being able to drown something in alcohol was something he wasn’t prepared for, it had been his way of coping and distracting himself for as long as he could remember, even if most times he used it just for the day to day. He took a breath and focused on finishing the tea.

After some self-imposed silence, he stood up, left his mug on the sink, grabbed a coat and went downstairs to the lobby of the building. With only some money in his pocket and his keys in the other. He started walking with no destination. He would've taken his bike like he used to but it had been more than a year since he last used it so it was probably in need of some maintenance before hitting the road again.

Walking felt a bit tedious to Ian. It had more constant effort than riding a bike, and had less of a leisure feeling to it. When he was riding his bike he used to feel like he was floating. He usually would gain up speed or take the drop of a hill and stop pedaling just to course through the asphalt in little zigzags and close his eyes, feeling the wind rush on his face. Walking didn't have that. Though it did have the lovely view of the cloud filled sky shining blue between the shadows of the trees. It had a calmer feel to it. It wasn't a small short rush, it was a steady easy calm. It made him wonder why he hadn't gone biking in so long, he used to love it, he probably still did.

He had walked about fifteen blocks and managed not to think about Alex through any of them. The houses and trees and the shades from green to auburn red and golden brown on the leaves carried him away from every unwanted thought. He reached a small park, and sat on a bench for a bit, soft autumn sun hitting his face and warming him up. He sighted as he looked over at the few people hanging around. Groups of friends, families, a few couples he tried no to look at and a few loners he couldn’t help but to. It was more than tempting to compare himself to the elder man that was sitting across from him, on the other side of the small undecorated field, Ian could see he was throwing bread at some pigeons, and could almost sense the sadness in his face. He also noted the brown bag that was standing up straight on that man’s bench, he watched him as he drank from the barely disguised bottle. Ian's face fell a little as he looked away, trying to focus on something else but deciding to just look at the grass that was in front of him and observe how the ants entered it from their line on the sidewalk, looking at them carrying leaves and crumbs.

After some time he decided to return to his flat, he hadn't done exercise in quite some time so he was already feeling more than a bit tired and hungry. He managed to buy some groceries on the way back . He left the products in the cabinets and the fridge, filling them with more content than usual.

He took a shower right after. He didn't spend long, singing some old song that he still carried in his head in an attempt to dissipate his thoughts. He went to the kitchen right after and started making some actual food. He would usually make himself a sandwich, cook some pasta if he was really feeling it, but not that day. He put some beef on the fire and cooked some rice and a few vegetables. It felt like the old bright-eyed Ian that had once graced that same apartment. He remembered those times with such a pessimist melancholy. Those memories felt like they had been made by a completely different person, more selfish but less jaded, oblivious to anyone but himself and with such a bright idea of his future. He felt something similar to happiness that he missed feeling, not because it was similar to happiness but because it was easier, easier than being sad and miserable and being aware of his own decaying life. He used to feel like he could finally have something, but all he got was a tenure, something he feared of getting there in his first year but that he somehow let happen to himself.

He finished cooking his dinner, a bit less cheery than before.

Finally ready to eat, a small vibration from his phone interrupted him. He stopped and looked at it. He shouldn't. He should try and keep his peace a little while longer. Still, before he could manage to talk himself in or out of it, he grabbed the phone and went straight to his messages.

He relaxed a little when he read the words under Alex's contact name "Hey. It's all good"
Followed by "Actually, I was wondering if we could talk sometime"

He quickly typed and sent a "Sure. Whenever u want 2"

He passed around his kitchen as he waited for her message, his food getting colder but paying no mind to it "How about tomorrow for breakfast?" She finally answered.

"Of course. On campus or...?"

She quickly tested back "Outside. There’s a nice place on the corner of L street and Orchard. I can meet you there at 8"

He wrote "Do u want a ride?" But decided against it, knowing she would've said so if she wanted one. So instead he sent "Gr8 c u then"

Chapter Text

Ian was waiting for her, with a clear head and the ability to blow way below the legal limit, unlike most days. He had gotten there almost ten minutes before the accorded time, he had also put on some old cologne he hadn't touched in ages, it was fairly nice but the scent was a bit too strong for him. He figured it wouldn't bother as much since they were eating on the outside, he had requested it that way, otherwise, what was the point of waking up earlier to go out and have some breakfast if you were going to spend the entire time indoors? Not that he had anything against indoor spaces, he spent most of his days in those, but the breeze of autumn did help him to keep himself awake and it was nice to actually look at the sky once in a while.

Alex was late. It wasn't unusual. One of the disadvantages of public transportation; it would sometimes run late. Not this time though. This time she was late on her anxiety's merit. She had gotten there on time but Ian had arrived earlier. Something about seeing him there, sober, excited, and waiting for her struck a cord on her. She was evil. She felt evil. She had used him. She didn't mean to but she did, having had sex with him at one of the many low points of her life and then ghosting him for a whole week took that low point slightly lower. She wasn't sure how long she would've put off talking to him if he hadn't messaged her first.

She took a small breath am walked towards him, towards the table. She stood next to the free chair and felt her nerves calm down the second he looked at her — Hi. — she smiled.

Ian felt himself relax. She was here.

After a second or so of smiling and looking at each other Ian shook his head and said — Hi. — he pointed at the chair she was standing next to — Sit. Please.

Alex sat down — Did you order yet?

— No, I was waiting for you.

— Oh. Thanks. — she said. Ian passed her the menu, letting her know he had already looked through it and knew what he was going to order.

They didn't talk much of anything until after the waiter arrived. She asked for a latte with an apple crumble and he ordered a tea with a splash of milk and a piece of chocolate cake that came with some strawberries and cream.

— Now I'm kind of regretting my order. — she joked when the waiter went away.

— I can give you some of mine if you let me try yours.

Alex smiled at his offer, nodding — Sure. Thanks.

There was a silence. It wasn't exactly an easy silence but it was definitely not tense. She knew they were both acting as nonchalantly and carefree as they could, but that the issue of "we fucked and then I ghosted you" was still unresolved and lingering around them like a very loud, very annoying fly. She took a breath.

— So-

— I'm sorry. — Alex blurted out. He looked at her with some surprise from the rather loud and suppressive apology but slightly nodded, wordlessly urging her to go on and explain herself — About the other Friday and last week. — she clarified even if there was very little need to — I'm sorry, I felt like maybe I used you in some way. Because, I was drunk and just a bit sad and you were there, and you were so sweet, you always are. — she gave him a shy yet winsome glance in between of all the shame she carried and continued — And I needed that, so I slept with you as some form of distraction, which is really shitty. — she nodded to herself while looking at the table. After a second she looked back at him and continued — I'm also really sorry for ghosting you last week. And for never paying you for the many bottles of yours that I drank. — she stopped, letting out a small breath — I think this amend was easier than I thought.

He frowned — Ame- You don't need to make amends with me.

— Well, I'm supposed to. — she answered, shrugging her shoulders right after — Ten days sober. — she informed him with a sorry excuse for a smile — I hate it. — she resolved but almost instantly backtracked — I- I don't hate it. It's just- hard.

— Yeah, the first weeks always are. — he gave her a bit of a sorry smile, nodding along with his words. He looked over at her. Sobering up, a fool's errand, at least to him. The waiter showed up with their food. Setting things down as Ian and Alex kept quiet like two children that were sharing a secret before an adult walked by. Once the waiter left they relaxed, Alex took a sip of her coffee after dropping way too much sugar in it. Ian wondered if that was why her lips had tasted so sweet; too much sugar in her coffee.

He took a sip of his tea and asked — So you're going to meetings or is it just you?

— Meetings. Twice a week. — she nodded, letting the mug down — Not sure how I feel about the religion of it all, but it's nice. The whole "things that I can't change" is a nice reminder

— Oh, yeah. — he nodded, a longing smile on his lips, the sort of smile that appears on most faces after hearing a story from childhood that, even if pleasant, had been forgotten — How did it go?

— God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. — she recited, almost as if it was a recipe.

— Yeah, that's comforting. — he nodded, looking down at his food, picking at it but not eating any — So that's why you haven't been around.

— Yeah, a bit. — she sighed.

He looked at her as she took a piece of her dessert to her mouth. She looked guilty somehow. He thought back to what she had said about their night together. Was that really all it had been to her? A distraction. It hurt him, to say the least. But, he bargained, to be a distraction was better than to be a mistake. In some way it was. Or so he tried to convince himself. Was that why she seemed to feel guilty? Because she had used sex with him as some take-my-mind-off-things activity? He grew uncomfortable. Unable to say a word, struggling to keep his mind on track and understand all of the things he was feeling all at once.

She looked at him without uttering a word. His brow frowned, his eyes looking just past the table, a bit to the right, tea in hand but not drinking it. She felt her stomach quiver. She had to say it. She had promised herself she would, for the sake of their relationship, of her sobriety. She had to tell him how she felt, where she stood, where she wanted to stand, where she couldn't.

She took a breath, preparing to speak, and his eyes shot back to her, paying full attention to her and her words — I have to keep myself honest. One of the guidelines. — she justified — Also lying always leads me to more lying, which leads me to drinking. So, I'll just say it. — she took a breath and he waited eager and anxious — I -god, I'll sound like a thirteen-year-old, but-. I like you. — there was a beat of silence. Ian looked at her dumbfounded, he said nothing and barely moved a muscle, big brown eyes open like a deer's between headlights. She smiled awkwardly — See? Thirteen again. — she shortly chuckled at herself — But it's true. And it scares me because I haven't liked anyone like this in a long time, but I do. I like you. — she acknowledged with a short nod to assure herself she was content with her words. Ian looked at her, surprise wearing off but still feeling wordless. Alex took a small breath to talk again and he decided to remain wordless for a little more — Still, I can't start any romantic relationship right now. Another guideline. — she noted — Specially not with someone who's also an alcoholic. — she gave him a tight lip smile and clarified — No offense.

— None taken. — he spoke almost without thinking, answering that as a knee-jerk reaction, and then stayed quiet. He took a bit of chocolate cake and strawberries to his mouth and quietly chewed, looking absentmindedly at his plate.

She fidgeted to his absent stare, fearing the mention of a possible romantic relationship had been too much or too soon. She kept looking at him and decided to say something by the time he took a sip of his tea — So, I don't know. — she hesitated — What do you think?

He looked up at her, almost shocked that she didn't know how he felt. It was obvious, it had to be. He put the cup of tea down. If she hadn't noticed then he should say it. Looking at her, he calmly spoke — Well, I think I want to have you in any way you'd have me, at any time you can.

Alex blushed slightly, feeling like a little girl who had been asked to prom by the guy she fancied. She tried to keep her composure as she picked her mug and said — Right now we can hang out.

— Be friends?

She drank some coffee and crooked her head to the side and back as she amended — Be friends-yet-to-be-more maybe?

He smiled — I would very much like that. — he took a sip from his tea and nonchalantly said — So it means we can't have sex.

Alex smiled into her cup — Not yet.

— Kiss?

She thought about it for a second— I don't think so.

He took a bite of the cake and let the fork linger around his lips — Would going down on you would count as sex? — he said, using the fork to point at her for a second.

Alex laughed in surprise and embarrassment, her cheeks flushed as she nodded — Yes! It would.

— Alright, just checking. — Ian slyly smiled, happy with himself for having made her blush like that.

She shook her head. She thought, what a dumb and sweet man.

— So, you're on the amends still?

— Just starting. — she nodded — It isn't gonna be long. You, Abed, my mom, and my brother. Maybe a few of the janitors who had to clean my puke a few times. — she listed, shrugging at the end — Luckily my alcoholism only made me a slight annoyance and a constant concern but not a dick. — she shrugged — For the most part. — she grabbed a piece of her food but didn't eat it, just having it linger a few inches from her plate — It still gonna be hard with my mom, tho. She didn't know I had gone back drinking. — she pursed her lips for a second then shortly shook her head — I actually haven't done the twelve steps before. — she looked at Ian — I can guess you have.

He nodded, trying to chew the food on his mouth quicker. After swallowing, he spoke — Yeah, three times with the program, who-knows how many without it. — he gave her an amused smile and shrugged his shoulders as he semi-bitterly quoted — Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, right?

— Yeah, I guess.

He saw her mood being damper a bit. He didn't mean to bring her hopes down. He gathered himself and repaired — But it's good that you're trying to do this. If it's what you want.

— It is. I think. — she hesitated — I just don't want to hurt the people I love anymore.

— Yeah, that's the advantage of having no one you love around. — he humored — Can't hurt them.

She gave him a puzzled look — Really, no one?

— Well, mom's back in England, grandad and grandma are gone and my dog died three years ago.

She gave a curious smile and leaned forward — You had a dog?

— Kelly. She was great. — he smiled with melancholy, exhaling a chuckle through his nose — And old.

Alex looked at him, he was looking away, to the side of his mug. His mind was clearly filled with memories of his dog and his lips carrying the faintest of smiles. He looked so nice like that, caught in the memory of a friend, probably thinking of better times. He shook his head shortly and went to grab another piece of cake.

— Can I? — she asked, pointing at the pastry with her own fork he nodded and then grabbed a bit. As she was chewing he offered him some of her meal since that was what they had agreed on, he took up on the offer — Y'know, I do a homemade cake that's pretty much like this one except — she leaned in and looked to the sides as of she was going to tell him a big secret, she almost whispered — mines better.

He chuckled softly, realizing how much he had missed how sweet and funny she was for the last few weeks. After a second of looking at her and her sweet smile, he asked — From scratch? — she nodded — What else can you bake?

She thought about it for a second — Cookies, muffins, brownies, waffles. — he nodded impressed and she shrugged as she grabbed her mug — I don't know, some other things.

— Can you make that? — he pointed at the apple crumble she was having.

She put the mug down — Never tried, but my mom can.

— How about cooking?

— No, I can't cook for shit. — she chucked — I mean, I can, but it's not great.

— Well then you're in luck because, even if I'm a bit rusty, I'm an amazing cook.

She crooked an eyebrow — What's your specialty?

— Chicken stuffed with parmesan, wrapped in ham with a side of mashed potatoes, baked onions, and peas.

She nodded a bit. If he was that quick to say that one it must be good — Sound great.

Ian looked at her, drinking some coffee and then smiling at him. A stupid idea arose in his brain and he couldn't help but utter it out loud — What if you come by with some chocolate cake and strawberries and we have them for dessert after the chicken. — he grabbed his tea and drank it quickly, almost as if to keep himself quiet.

She looked at him and hesitated — Sounds like a date.

— Great.

She smiled and shook her head — No, I mean it can't be a date.

— Then it isn't. — he simply resolved, — It's just two people having dinner and dessert.

— Alright. — Alex bargained — Dinner and dessert, then. When?

— Friday?

She hesitated — I don't know. I have a meeting. — she explained — Maybe after? It ends at eight.

— Alright then, Friday at eight. Dinner and dessert. — he confirmed — At my place?

— Of course. — she smiled.

Chapter Text

— My name is Alex and I'm an alcoholic and I'm fourteen days sober.

— Hi, Alex. — the members of the meeting answered in unison.

— This week- — she took a breath and a quick look around the room. They were all sitting in a circle, looking at her, most of them either attentive or tired. A few chairs away from her was Evelyn, looking as if she was quietly encouraging her to speak. Alex looked at the floor for a second, preparing herself. — Well, this week was mixed. I did most of my amends. I haven't told my mom yet but-— she stopped to swallow down a sudden bitterness — I did make amends with my brother. He was the one that convinced me to do this. — she gestured at the meeting — He forgave me. We talked it out a bit, he apologized for not taking care of me when I was little and when our dad died. — she hesitated for a second on what to say. She didn't want to explain that situation further so she decided to go with — It was nice. Freeing even. — she gave a soft smile in a half confused, half moved manner — I didn't know I needed that until he said he was sorry. — Alex rubbed the back of her neck stopping for a second to see what else she could say — I also told my friend and made amends with him. Mostly for lying and making him lie for me. — she explained — He made a stunt of being shocked for a second for it to be like a drama series but then he told me that it was alright, that I could always confide in him.

Alex looked at Evelyn, almost to check if she could keep going. With a simple look, she made her remember her words from before the first meeting “You just say what you feel you need to get out of yourself” she knew she needed to get one more thing out — I also told my- — she gave herself a second to figure what to call him — my other friend. — she knew that wasn't all he was, she needed to explain a bit more — The one who I usually go-. Went drinking with, with whom I started binge drinking again. The guy that I like and had drunken sex with when I was closing in on yet another rock bottom about two weeks ago. — she quickly let out — He was good with it. He said I didn't need to make amends with him but I did them anyway. — she explained — I also told him about my... feelings for him but explained I can't start any relationship yet. He was cool with it, too. Really cool. I- — she stopped, not finding any words to say for herself and kept on explaining the situation — We decided to have some dinner. Tonight. Right after this. — she paused at the look of confusion Evelyn wore on her face. Alex looked away. — It's not a date. — she excused but hesitated right after. — Except, maybe it kind of is? It just- — she scratched the side of her neck for a second as she forced herself to explain — we kissed. On Wednesday. We were watching this puppy parade and afterwards he was gonna take me back home, and- — she smiled thinking back to the memory. Her back pressed to the car, his hands on her skin — We kissed.

She remembered how he had looked at her with a smile the second she turned around. He kept teasing her that “If you like puppies that much maybe I should get one and you would visit my apartment more often.”

“You shouldn't make promises you can't keep. I'm expecting to see a puppy Friday” Alex had said. She was trying to pay no mind to how close he was and how he kept looking over her face, eyes lingering on her lips.

“I probably shouldn't. Your attention wouldn't be on me if there was a little puppy running around” she remembered laughing softly at that before opening her eyes and founding herself closer, right hand on his chest. She looked at him, his eyes looking down at her, no longer smiling, just looking at her, transfixed.

— Actually, I kissed him. — she rectified, thinking back to when she had leaned into him, to the taste of his lips on hers. Remembering he tasted like wine and chocolate cookies — But he kissed back. And- he was gentle and passionate, which I always thought were mutually exclusive, but apparently, they're not. — he had kissed her in a way that made her feel cared for and craved for, in a way that made her doubt if kissing him wasn't the drug to replace all drugs. The new addiction she would get hooked on. Her smile faded a little as she thought back to that — But I worry because it really did feel like a high. Kissing him, I mean. — she rubbed her left arm with her right hand but dropped It as soon as she was aware of the gesture — It wasn't like getting drunk but it wasn't not like that either? And I wanted to keep going but I stopped it.

“I'm sorry, I really can't go further than this. I don't want to supplant one high with another.” She had said, hands on his chest to keep her lips from pulling her back to him. She had found it funny, their bodies touching on almost every inch but she was trying her hardest to contain herself from kissing his lips.

He had nodded quickly and mumbled an “Alright” as he closed in on her lips but not kissing her yet, his hands ran up her sides trying to have her even closer. She lingered forward slowly, understanding there was no rush. He pulled back just before her lips caught his own again. She looked at him, puzzled “Are my kisses not a high?” He asked in a teasing tone but only partly joking.

“Oh, shut up.”

Alex frowned a bit, conflicted — And now, with this dinner and dessert thing- — she hesitated, looking at the ground before looking back at the group — I want it to be a date. I do. But, do I want that like I want a drink or is it like I want a puppy, a friend or -I don't know- a-a healthy meal? — she said, passing a hand through her hair to partially lock a strand behind her right ear, as she looked to the guide of the group, almost as if she was asking him for an answer — I mean, am I trying to burry myself in him to distract myself, or is this an actual good thing that is ok to want? Is like I can't trust myself with those things. Or him for that matter. He's also most definitely an alcoholic, but he isn't in recovery. So, does that changes things? Does it make it more dangerous or whatever? Will he go get a drink and I'll say, "give me one" and screw it up? — she caught herself and stopped, realizing she was spiraling a bit. She took a soft breath and continued — I get that, because I'm an alcoholic, I need to be more careful about this than anyone who isn't. I can't have a truly normal relationship and much less an unhealthy one. But it- — she exhaled — It's just a bit exhausting.

Alex leaned back into her chair, almost deflating. The guide of the group accommodated himself and she looked up to him — Well, relationships, especially romantic ones or ones between alcoholics, are complicated. They're hard to navigate, and they're prone to leave one back at a hard place if there's a lot of dependency on the relationship. This is why one of the suggestions from the program is to have this type of relationship after the first three months sober. To have time to adjust to our new reality before changing it again. — he calmly explained before taking a breath and continuing — Nonetheless, with relationships, and everything, really, one should always keep in mind their emotions, sobriety, and honesty.

— Yeah. — Alex nodded taking in his words but quickly thinking back to her dilemma the second she realized his words didn't really contain an answer — But, should I do it?

Bruce, the guide, gave a breathy chuckle and shrugged a bit, shaking his head a bit — I can't choose that for you, Alex. No one can — Alex nodded and sat back into the uncomfortable chair again, deflating a bit once more.

— Well, that solves nothing. — she mumbled under her breath.

The meeting moved on and she stayed until the end, listening to the stories from the other people, trying not to feel like an idiot when people started to talk about family problems and childhood traumas after she had talked about boy problems. When the meeting came to an end they were welcome to eat some cookies and drink coffee. Alex was going to skip it but Evelyn got to her before she could.

— Want some coffee?

Alex shook her head. — No, I'm alright. — she said but quickly catching up to her intents to use it as a way to talk. — But I'll go with you.

Evelyn smiled and started walking to the coffee dispenser with Alex by her side. She didn't take long before saying. — So, this guy, is he nice?

Alex smiled a bit. — Yeah, he is.

— Are you sure? — she asked as she grabbed an empty cup, sounding almost too serious all of the sudden — The ones who drink and don't wanna stop it aren't usually... that great. — she explained.

— Well, he's nice. — she asked, telling her to trust her judgment with her tone. Still, she softened herself to sincerely say — Thanks for the concern, though.

— I'm just saying. — she said as she poured coffee into the styrofoam cup. — I've had my fair share of issues with alcoholics. I don't want you to go through the shit I went through. Especially not this early in the program.

— I don't think he's like that. — she waved off Evelyn's concerns — He's just- — she hesitated for a second, unsure of what she was planning to say. She gave up on finishing that sentence with a small drop of her shoulders — I don't know. But he's good. — Alex assured her even as she realized she didn't really know why she trusted him so much. Her sponsor kept looking at her no longer stirring the coffee, almost staring as if she was trying to puzzle Alex out, so Alex decided to change the subject. — So what about you? That thing with your niece?

— Oh, I don't know. — she said, almost dismissing the subject — I just don't want her to do the same I did. She's so young and It feels like I can't talk to her, or even get her to listen. All I can do is try to help her and trust she'll be smart enough to do better, or at least ask for help if she doesn't.

Alex looked at Evelyn as she drank her coffee — I don't know how you do that. Just- do and trust and choose.

Evelyn smiled with a soft, amused exhale out of her nose — I just say things, it's harder to actually do them. — she let her know, almost saying it as if it was a secret. After a second she shrugged, saying — But it gets better with practice. Like Patrick with these cupcakes. Seriously, try them, so much better than last week.

— Can't have a da- dinner.

— You mean the date that is a date but it's not?

She smiled even if Evelyn carried a somewhat accusatory tone — Yeah.

Evelyn's lips twisted a little as she said. — You know, the honesty Bruce keeps talking about is not just with others, it's with yourself too. — Alex nodded off her words but kept thinking about them after Evelyn walked away. It was true, she never was really honest with herself.

She sighed and checked the time it was twenty minutes until eight, she figured she could stay and talk to some people from the group. She did, not really talking but mostly listening to the support they have each other or the stories they would tell. She liked the people there, even if they terrified her when she was about to speak. Right then, however, when they were talking, they were just people, not alcoholics or an audience to her words, just people.

After a while she ended up next to Evelyn again, hearing the words from an older, heavier man with a white beard. He said a few words that resonated with her — You just start again. If you ever find yourself back there you just start again, that choice it's something no one else can take away from you.

She thought back to Ian's half-joked "Things I cannot change, right?" She wondered if, as she had before, he had taken away the choice of recovery from himself. He seemed to have tried multiple times, why hadn't it worked? Was it really a thing he couldn't change or a thing he was unwilling to? She couldn't ask him, not yet at least, but it did stay on the back of her mind as he looked at him, waiting outside on the cold, brown briefcase in hand, barely glancing at the people walking by in front of him. Evelyn and she were out of his sight but they could see him.

Alex lit a cigarette as she was getting ready to say goodbye but found Evelyn looking at Ian, so she just lit her cigarette and waited for her words — He seems nice but you can do better. — Alex shot her a dirty look as she blew the smoke away from her face. — I mean if he's your type you go for it. — she said, raising her hands in the air for a second in a "don't shoot" gesture before dropping them and saying. — Just be careful.

— Yeah. Alright. — Alex smiled with a short nod. — See you Wednesday?

— Yep, Wednesday. — she assured as she walked away — Have a nice not-a-date-date

She started walking and shook her head, amused by the tone of her words — Thanks.

As she was walking Ian caught her sight, she was wearing loose beige corduroy pants, a dark jean jacket that didn't seem to be warm enough for the cold of that autumn night and she carried the opaque red backpack she would always carry with her. She was smoking, he had noted that she had started to smoke more since she gave up drinking, he didn't say a thing, even if he didn't like the smell of tobacco, at least hers carried some mint to it.

When she was close enough to hear he raised a hand in a lazy wave and, with a relaxed smile on his face, said — Hey.

She smiled and waved back, stopping in front of him — Hey. — she said but she panicked right after. Was he expecting a kiss?

She watched his movement for a second but he just said — How was the meeting?

— It was alright. — she shrugged —Very sad, very sober. An AA meeting. — a half-ass smile planted herself on her face and he gave her a soft grin back — You got the things for the cake? — she asked.

— In the car. — he nodded, vaguely gesturing towards the parking lot — Shall we?

Chapter Text

It had been fun, Ian and Alex spent about an hour cooking next to each other. Alex tended to like cooking and cleaning alone but Ian had turned on the radio and let her pick the station before just cooking next to her, they had joked a bit, talked a bit, but it was mostly just being around the other. He was getting the already partly cooked chicken ready by stuffing it with cheese and then wrapping it in ham, all the while she mixed in the ingredients from across the kitchen island. Once the cake was in the oven she helped him with the vegetables and they made it a competition to who could cut it faster. A competition that Alex won.

When the cake was cooked, Ian put the chicken in the oven and Alex left the cake to cool next to a window as she got the whipped cream ready. Ian wondered out loud whether the chicken would taste a bit like chocolate since they cooked it one right after the other, Alex assured him it would be fine, even if she didn't know. She left the bowl of whipped cream on the fridge right next to the strawberries and got the chocolate ready. She took out of her backpack the only thing she had brought since she knew Ian probably wouldn't be able to easily get. She took the glass container out and gave Ian a soft smile — This is sixty percent of why my cake is the best. — she said while displaying the glass jar filled with a light brown material almost as if it was a commercial for it

Ian smiled, intrigued — What is it?

— Dulce de leche. — she cheekily said, leaving the jar on the counter and opening it with one strong swing.

— Oh, I've heard about it, it's like candy or maple syrup, right?

— Don't make me slap you, Ian. — she deadpanned, eyes looking straight at him — Don't insult me or my homeland like that again. — she jokingly warned and he smiled. She shook her head and extended him the jar — Taste some.

He hesitates as to how to grab it but he just gave her a questioning look as he extended his finger towards the jar, she nodded so he proceeded. With his index finger, he scooped a bit of the creamy yet sticky substance and took it to his mouth. Shockingly for him, he was presented with a much sweeter taste than he was expecting — Fuck, that's good. — he almost moaned out to the taste, going in for another scoop, Ale let him, setting the jar on the counter as she took the bowl of already semi-liquid chocolate off the boiling water. She grabbed two spoons and mixed half the dulce de leche with the chocolate, adding some nuts in the mix once it was ready.

— And what's that monstrosity? — Ian asked with a cheeky smile, seeing how the chocolate had taken the dulce's texture, no longer cooling down to hardness.

Alex rolled her eyes and took a bit of the mix in the tip of her pointer finger — The best thing you'll ever taste in your entire life. — she challenged before taking what she had on the tip of her fingers to her mouth, she licked it off as she went to look for the cake she had left by the window. Ian tasted the mix once she was looking away, he had to be honest, it was pretty fucking amazing.

After sixteen arduous minutes, the two-layer cake was ready and waiting in the fridge while the chicken was ten minutes away from being done. Alex had to put away the dulce de leche so Ian would stop stealing from it and they could get to wash the dishes they had used while she cleaned the kitchen's surfaces.

Through dinner they talked about a game Liverpool had recently played, it resulted in a draw but Ian swore it had been a really good game. On that topic, they talked about the past World Cup, both talking about how each of their countries had been beaten by Germany just a few months prior, which led to them curse off the team and laugh about it as they did.

By the time they had finished eating, they fell into a soft lull in the conversation so Alex suggested they'd eat the dessert, Ian agreed and offered to watch a movie as they ate. They ended up picking The Graduate, a film Alex had yet to see and Ian didn't mind re-watching. They cleared the table and, as Alex got some tea ready and served the cake, Ian got the set up for the DVD player ready, moving the tv as forward towards the couch as he could. Throughout the first few minutes of the movie Ian only sang praises for Alex's cake, assuring her that she was right and that it was better than the one he had ordered at the coffee shop, probably even better than any other cake he had eaten, ever. Alex blushed a bit at his praises saying that it was — A great dessert to follow a great dinner. — he thanked her and then they both went back to eating and watching the movie.

By the end of the movie Alex was laying on Ian's right side, she was laying between the front of his shoulder and his chest while his arm was around her. Her legs were propped up on the couch, knees gracing the side of Duncan's leg, but her shoes were hanging away from the fabric so she wouldn't leave dirt on it. She wasn't sure at what point she had taken that position but she was glad she had, Ian was surprisingly comfortable, and the faint sound of his beating heart combined with the small up-and-down movement his thumb was steadily repeating on her arm were making her feel calm. By the time Benjamin was about to crash Elaine's wedding she took in a breath and nuzzled a bit more into his arm, slithering her arm around her waist so she wouldn't dig her elbow into his side. She heard his heart but slightly faster and she smiled to herself.

Once the movie was over they got to do the dishes, Ian washed them and Alex would rinse. She had gotten a bit quiet the second they started, her eyes focused on nothing, clearly deep in thought.

Concerned, and as he held foam, a glass, and a sponge in his hands, he asked — Is there something wrong?

— Huh? — she hummed as she looked up, taking the glass he was passing her. Before he could repeat his question she said — Oh, no it's just, the movie- — she started but she trailed off, unsure whether or not to voice her complaints.

He furrowed at the teacup he was washing before looking at her, hesitantly asking — You didn't like it?

— No, it was good, — she said, softly laying the rinsed glass to dry — and I liked the ending, I just- — she grabbed the cup he was passing her and shrugged afterwards, shaking her head a little bit — I don't know.

— What? — he genuinely asked, the plate he had used about two hours earlier in his hand.

— I didn't get why Elaine was into Ben. — Alex finally said, leaving the cup to dry and looking at him before puzzling saying — It just doesn't make sense to me.

— Why not? — he asked as he passed her the second to last plate — I mean you're into me, right? — he said, managing to only hesitate a little in his words — That seems more far-fetched than someone wanting to get with Dustin Hoffman.

She took the plate carefully, glancing at him a couple of times with an ambivalent smile, fighting back the urge to tell him that he should shut up because he was cute as fuck but just said — It's not that. — her eyes finally locked on the plate she was holding as she finished rising it and left it to dry in an absentminded manner, all as she continued — And for your information a lot of people want to get with Dustin Hoffman. — he gave her a look as he passed her the last plate to rinse, implicitly and playfully asking if she was one of those people. Alex rolled her eyes with an amused twinkle on her face before she started to wash the plate, a bit more focused on it this time — What I mean is, he treated her like shit, slept with her mom, stalked her, and then she just- goes with him? — she left the plate to dry and shook her hands to get rid of some water before taking the kitchen rag Duncan was offering — I mean- — she weighed as she dried her hands on the rag. Knowing she had gotten her point across, almost as if it was a fact, she lightheartedly said, — You didn't do any of that, now did you?

— Not that you know of. — he joked back and she gave out a breathy chuckle before leaning back on the countertop, still holding the rag in her hands. She looked back at him as he dried off the surface of the countertop, he was still smiling a bit, enough to get his dimples to show up.

A bit overwhelmed by how he looked focused on the counter, a few hairs falling on the side of her face, she said — You're cute. — he looked at her, clearly caught off guard, positively shocked.

After a few seconds, and still wearing a baffled look on his face he dared to ask— What?

— You're cute. — she simply repeated, a soft smile gracing her lips in amusement at his disbelief. She was trying to figure out if he looked cuter like that or when he was cleaning. He didn't utter a sound so she explained in an effort to dissipate his confusion — Like with your smile and your dimples, and your jokes. — she stopped, knowing a hundred more thing to list off but leaving it at the reasonable amount of three, just to avoid any further embarrassment. She shrugged st his gaze, unsure of what else to say and simply repeating — You're cute.

— And that's good? — he asked, still looking a bit lost but seemingly coming to terms with the title Alex gave him.

Alex walked the few steps she needed to get to him — It is for me. — she said with a small yet cheeky grin. Ian's face loosened up and she took the moment to lean in towards him, laying a soft kiss on his lips.

Throughout his life, Ian had never got many compliments, if any for that matter, but he never thought he would be so glad to have been called cute. It wasn't a compliment he would've actively looked for, but now that he had it, he was going to wear it like a badge of honor. He smiled into the kiss for a second. Cute, he was cute.

She smiled after the kiss, and he would've done it too had he not been so entranced by her smile in the first place — Hey. — she said after a second, pulling slightly backward but leaving her hands on his forearm as she looked at him not once — Can you show me the flamingo from the bar?

— Sure. — he nodded. Seconds later, they were walking into his bedroom, they stood in front of the dresser with the bed behind.

— It's breathtaking. — she jokingly said looking at the pale pink plastic flamingo.

— Yeah. It's not a bad view to wake up to

— I bet. — she sat down on the bed, hands behind her back, arms propping her torso up in a relaxed position. Still looking at the flamingo, she crooked her neck a bit to the left all while her head was tilted slightly up. For some reason his mind brought back a bit of a hazy memory of her in his office, looking straight into his eyes, saying please. He almost choked on his spit when the memory came to him, he somehow managed not to. He looked away from her and looked back to the flamingo just to try and keep those memories at bay, trying not to get horny unprompted — I mean, those glasses are so cool.

He hummed in agreement, and she looked at him. She wondered why wasn't he looking at her? Why wasn't he closer? Maybe it had been the almost two hours she had spent leaning against him, but she felt like she needed him close.

Slowly, she brought the tip of her right shoe to gently touch his left calf in an attempt to get his attention, which she caught in an instant. She gave him a soft, easy smile and that was all the encouragement he needed to swiftly lean forward and kiss her lips. He moved away a little bit shortly after, not letting the kiss last as much as he would've wanted. He lingered there for a second, eyes closed, the tip of his nose touching the side of hers as he waited for her to reply to his unspoken question. She leaned forward and kissed him as an answer, leaving her hands on the back of his neck, right under his hairline, smiling a little as the tip of her fingers graced his hair. She hadn't realized how particular the texture was, it wasn't silky, but it wasn't quite wooly either, it seemed a bit like a mix of the two and she loved how it felt on her fingertips. As she caressed his scalp, joyfully passing his hair between her fingers, he started to lean into her, slowly having her lay on the bed, she complied, slowly moving backward and taking off her shoes in the process, he did it too, figuring it was better not to dirty the bed with it.

Shortly after they laid together he had made his way between her legs, both of their clothed bodies touching almost on every inch. First, they kissed softly, for moments passionately before going back slowly, his hand always roaming around somewhere on her. She sighed as he took a place on her neck, kissing and nibbling as his hands started to explore her body once more, but with more pressure this time, his digits softly digging into her skin on every chance he got. She grinned at his actions, so glad to have his hands on her body.

After a little while of enjoying his touch and kisses, she started returning his caresses, touching his body, kissing his neck, biting him a little. She got carried away with the last one and ended up accidentally biting him a little bit too hard causing him to jerk his head back at the pain — Ow! — he complained with a confused yet amused look on his face, hand going to his neck on the spot where she bit him. Alex laughed a little but gave him an innocent smile nonetheless. — That is not nice. — he teased with a mock complaint, a sweet and mocking grin adorning his words. — You shouldn't bite people like that. You wouldn't like it if I did that to you, now, would you?

An unabashed grin spread along her face as she offhandedly teased. — I mean, I don't think I'd hate it.

He had clearly taken it as some sort of challenge. His eyes narrowed on her and he went for her neck, a sudden ferocity taking over his movement as he pressed down on her and bit her neck. He wasn't as rough as she had been, but it was rough enough, especially with the way his hardening groin was laying just right top on her, subtly but steadily pressing down on the right spot. She hissed a little — Fuck. — her back arched on reflex, throwing her body upwards towards him, accidentally showing him how much she had liked it. She felt him smile against her skin of her neck before biting again, right next to the spot he had bitten just before — Ah, fuck. — he smiled at her reaction and lifted himself slightly away from her neck to get a look of her face before leaning back down, but, as he did, she stopped him, seeing him get a bit confused — Fuck. I'm sorry. — Alex mumbled, almost to herself. She looked at him in the eye, speaking softly but stuttering nonetheless — I'm- I'm not gonna- — she stopped for half a second and started again — I just don't-

— It's alright, — he interrupted with a soft smile, understanding what she was trying to say and trying to help her in her struggle to get the words out. He figured she was nervous because she thought he would be upset or angry about her decision, so he decided to explain— I wasn't expecting you to.

— Oh

— Not that I don't want to. — he clarified. She had sounded surprised for some reason and just wanted to set things straight — Because I do. I really do. — he assured her — Like, absolutely want to. — he saw her smile so he continued, just to amuse her — Like, please let me have you. — she couldn't contain herself and chuckled — Really, pl-

— Alright. — she said, laying her palms on his chest almost in a warning manner but wearing a lighthearted smile as she nodded — I've got it.

Ian, a bit more serious in tone but still smiling, doing so just because he was looking at her, said — But I get that you need some time to adjust to sobriety. — she hummed in agreement even if it wasn't necessary, feeling touched by his understanding and the sweet tone on his voice — And that's cool. — he said, in a surprisingly nonchalant manner, almost as if he was talking about any old subject and not of their emotional and sexual intimacy while laying on top of her.

— Yeah? — she asked, a bit surprised and therefore hesitant. In her experience most guys weren't entirely understanding of things like that one, she wanted to believe as the exception but it was a bit hard just trusting like that.

— Yeah. — he simply said, brown eyes filled with a mellow look gracing over her features but focusing on her eyes before following his hand on the side of her face as it accommodated a small strand of hair with the rest.

— Ugh. — she grunted in frustration.

Ian panicked a little — What?

— Now I wanna fuck you even more.

He smiled first in relief and then in a more teasing yet questioning manner, asking her — Really?

— Yeah. It’s kind of hot if you say it’s okay not to.

He stared at her for a moment, trying to understand why but then it clicked. He smiled ever so slightly — So, as I said. No worries. No pressure. Totally your call. — he teased, voice taking a paused tempo to remark each sentence. She smiled — We can go as far as you'd li- — she interrupted and shut him up with a long kiss, feeling the soft smile his lips carried as she did. They kept kissing for a while longer only to end up both laying on the bed, fully clothed and over the bedsheets, eyes closed as they stayed there.

They started talking for a bit, about Greendale, about the movie or their own lives, touching on any subject that would come up, only stopping when she absentmindedly started to loosen up his tie. She stopped her movements when she realized he had stopped talking and was just staring at her, she sheepishly smiled. A soft, genuine smile took over his features as he leaned towards her, softly laying his lips on the bridge of her nose. The softness of it caught them both by surprise. Ian was unsure what came over him that made him give such a delicate form of affection but he felt a bit more at ease once he leaned away and Alex gave him a tender look followed by a short, sweet and innocent kiss on his lips. She softly moved towards him after it, nuzzling herself into his chest and closing her eyes as she laid her head on the inner side of his upper arm as it surrounded her body to bring her warmth.

He was feeling himself fall asleep as she did too. His eyes were closed so he could only hear her breath, smell her shampoo and feel her body in his arms, still, he saw her image clear as day, her features relaxed as some hairs fell over her face, one of her arms was tucked at her chest as the other one laid on top of his waist, her forehead gracing his clothed chest and he was fairly sure the hand that was close to her chest was holding the end of the tie he was wearing. He wouldn't check if he was right about it, unable to open his tired eyes and unwilling to move even an inch away from her. Still, as a question rose on her mind he managed to mumble it out — Do you have to go back to your place?

— No, I don't. — she mumbled, voice tired and words slightly muffled by his chest and the lack of vocalization on her part. Right after saying that, she accommodated herself closer to him and he held her just a bit tighter. He breathed in, getting the soft smell of her sweet fruit-scented hair product. He laid the faintest kiss on the top of her head, pretty sure she didn't feel it since she was probably asleep.

He sighed, content — Good.

Chapter Text

It had been a nice weekend, more than nice, especially by Ian's standards. On Saturday he woke up to Alex next to him, twice, first in the middle of the night, where he took the opportunity and covered both of them with his bedsheets, the second time sunlight was pouring in from the window and Alex was still fast asleep next to him. Sadly, she had to go to her place to look after her nephew for the afternoon, but they managed to eat some breakfast together. Just some toasts and tea, nothing too special, almost mundane except that she was there.

Ian had found that she looked really pretty in the mornings, her dark curls were messier than ever as she tied it in a bun. She had done it so easily, throwing her head forward, doing a fair amount of circular movements then she stood up, and there it was, her hair messy yet steadily accommodated on the top of the back of her head, small strands of curly hair falling downwards, even a few in her face. They had laughed through breakfast and then the car ride. On Sunday they texted throughout the day and he ate the leftovers from the day before. By Monday he found himself as cheery as he had been while going to work for a long time, only drinking a bit of scotch and four glasses of wine throughout the whole day, stopping the day drinking once Alex passed by to talk. He finished drinking the glass of wine he had been savoring through those last hours of the afternoon and saved the bottle. Alex assured him that he could drink, saying that it didn't affect her, he shrugged it off saying he didn't mind not drinking but failing to say that the reason was her company, after all, there's no reason to drink away a good feeling. She smiled just a little bit at that, and she would've given a wide grin if she had known he didn't even think about drinking until after he got home, just a bit, to fall asleep easier.

The next day he woke up almost as glad as he had the day before. After having something mildly resembling a breakfast accompanied by some whisky. He packed two slices of Alex's cake and took them to work, having agreed to have lunch with Alex after class just the day before. He saved it in the teacher's lounge's fridge before going to the anthropology classroom, a bit late as usual. During class, he couldn't help but notice Alex's lack of enthusiasm. As usual, they were watching dumb videos but Alex was barely watching the screen, her eyes wandering around the room, not once looking at him. At some point, she had gotten a pencil out and she seemed to be drawing something on the table but without much care or attention. With fifteen minutes left on the clock, Ian got everyone early off class and slowly walked to her as she gathered her things.

— Hey.

Alex looked up, she gave a small faltering smile that did nothing to hide the tiresome look on her face — Hey.

Ian furrowed a bit. Her voice, usually chirpy and relaxed, carried nothing but weariness even if she was smiling at him — Everything alright? — he asked, taking advantage that most of the class was out of the room.

— Yeah, just tired. — she brushed off, hiding behind a quick smile — Lunch? — Ian nodded, still unconvinced by her answer but not pushing for more information.

— I brought cake.

After picking up some food at the sandwich place near the campus and getting the desert back from the faculty lounge, they went back to his office, agreeing it was too cold to eat by the oak tree near the building. They sat on his desk, eating opposite to each other, a tall glass of wine on Ian's right, a bottle of water on Alex's left, both of them eating and not really talking. It wasn't unusual, they had spent a few times just keeping the other company but this time was different. On those occasions Ian would be grading tests or doing some light reading while drinking, so would she, eyes eating up some author's words or a friend's she was texting, but at that moment, she was looking just past nothing, eyes lost in space as her mind clearly wandered, and, by the looks of it, it wasn't on something pleasant that it was wandering about.

Ian felt an urge to pull her out of that possible rabbit hole she was diving into — So — he hesitantly spoke and her eyes snapped up to her, clearly off of her trance and paying attention to him —, it's pretty chilly out. — fucking brilliant, he silently cursed at himself as he lightly stuttered to find what words would follow — I mean, it'll be nice for the holidays. With the snow and all. — he almost winced at his own voice, could he really not come up with anything better?

— You got any plans for it?

— The holidays? — Alex gave a short nod in answer — No, nothing really. — he hesitatingly grabbed the glass of wine and softly swirled it a few times as he spoke — I usually call my mom on Christmas and spend New Year's eve at some bar. — he took a short sip from the wine as Alex nodded to his answer — How about you?

— Probably with my family. As usual. — she shrugged. He saw how her eyes went back to their previous position before dropping a bit and he felt like a complete failure. There was something bothering her and he couldn't even help her distract herself or have her confide in him.

Still, on a whim, he continued — Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?

Her brows inched closer to the middle for a second, he figured it was probably a stupid question but he waited for an answer anyway, hopes riding up when she met his eye — I don't, actually. — she answered, shaking her head a little, hair following suit — A friend of mine did. I usually celebrated it with her family but — she gave half a melancholic smile, almost to herself, and Ian could've sworn that her eyes glistened a little — I haven't since. — she looked at him and leaned back into her seat, moving a strand of hair away from her face — I suppose you don't either.

— Not since my grandparents died.

She furrowed her eyebrows — They were American?

— Just my grandpa, on my mother's side.

— So you're not completely British? — she said, sounding both interested and in disbelief. He thought it a strange thing to have interest over but went along, happy to see her out of her head and talking.

— I guess not. — he shrugged — I think I also have some Irish in the mix.

— Oh, what a scam! With the accent and the tea. — she said, half a smile on her face and the sandwich long forgotten on the plastic plate that was sitting on her side of the desk — You got everyone here thinking you're British when you're only three quarters?

— Hey, — he warned her with an amused tone, one finger pointing at her as some sort of warning — I watch football. I'm British.

— Don't you mean soccer? — she playfully questioned, leaning forward, talking through a mischievous smile.

— No, I do not mean soccer, I mean football. — he defiantly replied, leaning in on the desk towards her before leaving away — And what are you going on about? You're an actual American. — he complained — You were born here!

— Oh, shut up, you imperialist pig. — she laughed off, leaning back into the chair and crossing her legs as a playful grin appeared on her face. They kept looking at each other for a little bit, both with a smile still lingering on their lips, feeling the nice moment pass by them, with them.

— Would you rather I’d be solely a colonialist pig?

She shook her head, looking down at her thighs while giving out a small, breathy chuckle before looking back at him. She shrugged her shoulders and made a disinterested face — Better than both. — Ian gave out a short laugh at her antics and she smiled in return, leaving both of them some time to breathe. She looked at him as he went to grab the last bit of sandwich he had left on his plate, a few sincere words growing in her, leaving her no time to think them through before saying — Thank you.

He crooked his head to the side and looked at her a bit confused, swallowing the food before asking — What for?

— Being around, I guess. — Alex shrugged off, looking away the second her words left her mouth, a bit embarrassed by them. She grabbed her sandwich with one hand but didn't lift it past a few centimeters off the plate, she looked at it for a second before looking back at Ian, carrying a pitiful smile that was meant for herself, displaying it in a sort of apologetic way — You probably noticed it but I wasn't having a good day. — she explained, looking away once more, seemingly unable to maintain a look into his eye in the aftermath of her words.

Ian watched her for a moment as she finally took a bite off her sandwich and chewed on it all while looking at her paper plate — Mind me asking why? — he spoke in a soft tone, eyes fixed on her as she looked up.

She stayed quiet for a moment before swallowing the food in her mouth and saying — I told my mom about AA and it went kind of shitty. — she left the sandwich on the table and grabbed her drink but didn't drink it — She just said some stuff and then gave me this look- — there was a big silence as she stared at the wooden desk but was cut off by her own sight — It just felt like shit, seeing how little faith she has in me. — her eyes went back to him as they started to glisten, she just shrugged, his affliction over her hurt going almost unnoticed — Not that I earned any but- — Alex's sigh came again, sounding more like a shriek to Ian, hitting him like a dagger to his heart, especially this time. It sounded so frustrated, so tiresome, all while being accompanied by teardrops on the edge of her eyes. Before he could say something she just shook her head and sneakily dried off her tears — I don't know. — she said, giving out a defeated shrug while looking down at her knees.

It hurt him seeing her like that. Furrowed brow, eyes glistening, gaze lost once more in a sea of nothingness. He was hesitant to speak but did all the same — Do you want to talk about it? — he asked, speaking in a low, hushed tone that carried both his sweetness and hesitancy that disrupted that same sweetness.

She looked up at him and hesitated, eyes dropping back to her legs the moment she spoke — I don't know. — he noted that her hands, both laying on top of her thighs, were fidgeting together, touching every finger almost as if she was checking if they were still there. Slowly, she looked away to the side, eyes finding the clock on his table, she frowned — Don't you have a class now? — she asked, looking back at him right after er the fact.

He hesitated to answer, hating that she was right, that he had responsibilities to attend to, even if they were responsibilities from Greendale. He finally decided on his words and, following that last thought, said — I do, but I can cancel it.

— No, don't cancel.

— You're upset. — he opposed, implicitly assuring her that there was no problem to it, that her emotional state was more important than one of his classes — And I'm fairly sure you do want to talk it out. — he added almost as a side comment. Still, she wouldn't take it.

— I'm okay. — she assured him — I'll wait for you. — she gave a soft smile that she partly had to force herself to display all while she could still feel the teardrop that had been creeping in on her eyes — I can stay here if that's alright.

— It's more than alright, but you don't have to.

— Ian, I'll wait. — she stated, trying to reassure him and to end the deliberation at the same time — I'm fine, really. — she nodded, seemingly trying to shrug off how she still had glistening eyes with a playful smile — You go teach, professor.

Silence held the room hostage. Ian was struggling to know whether she actually wanted him to stay in spite of her words. He had known of tales told by friends -Winger, the rare conversation with another drunk at a pub, or a locker room when he was younger, and, on one occasion, his father- that women said the opposite of what they thought in order to test the men they were dating. He had always taken those comments with more than just a grain of salt, but right then, he hesitated. Her glistening eyes didn’t say go, they asked him to stay.

— Are you sure? — he asked. Alex gave him a nod and a simple, closed-lip smile. He nodded his head, almost as if he was reevaluating her affirmation for any signs of doubt. He quickly tightened his lips and nodded — Alright, then. — he said, glancing away at his desk, causing his eyes to land on the clock she had previously looked at, figuring that if she got mad at him for leaving she would be the unreasonable one, and he didn’t think Alex to be unreasonable — Then I should go. — he said when he read the time, straightening up on the chair before standing up with a certain hesitancy. He fixed his clothes and grabbed his brown briefcase and slowly started walking towards the door but stopped once he passed by her side — The cake is still in the mini-fridge if you want some. — he said and stayed there even if he was done talking. He looked at the door and looked back at her, earning himself a curious look from her. He sighed ever so slightly and loosened up the stress on his shoulders before earnestly saying — Call me. If you need anything. — it sounded as if he was trying to convince her to do so.

Alex smiled softly at his words but it wasn't like the smile she had given him just seconds before. Alex's smiles weren't fake most times, but sometimes they were forced. Not forced in the sense that she had to smile but she didn't want to, they were forced in an easy way, as in, she had to make herself smile even if it didn't come naturally. They weren't fake, she really meant those smiles. But right then, it came naturally. A soft, sincere, and warm smile that showed both surprise and endearment. Ian smiled back at her, a heartfelt look in his eyes. He leaned forward and downwards to match her height on the chair, and, all in one move, he kissed her softly as a sweet goodbye, leaving her lips shortly after but lingering just near enough to see her smile afterward.

Ian was standing up straight once she opened her eyes, he quickly made a face that was tainted with embarrassment or apologies, maybe both mildly conflicted on what to do. He gave a short and hesitant nod and started walking towards the door. Alex's endeared smile transformed into an amused one as she said — Bye

He gave a soft chuckle once he gazed at her and registered her delight, he shook his head at himself and amusedly replied — Bye.

He went to the class with a certain regret, half-heartedly managing a subject he usually found somewhat entertaining. He still wanted to call the class off but he didn't, even if he found Alex's request a bit strange, she had told him to go for a reason. He figured she wanted to be alone for a little while, but something didn't feel right. He kept thinking back to her, trying to guess what she could possibly be doing in his office. His list of possible things included: doing some light reading, reading for some class, texting a friend, thinking about what her mother said, crying, or sleeping. Only halfway through the class did he think that she might've wanted to stay in his office to drink, and that, if she didn't, she could get tempted to do so while in there. The second that thought came to mind, he hurriedly called off the class early and went out the door before any student could.

He walked to his office, a foul feeling settled on the pit of his stomach, hurrying his step until he was lightly jogging through the school. Guilt and remorse started to flood to his chest by the idea that he had ruined Alex's nineteen days sober. Not that he was a firm believer in sobriety, but he didn't want to screw her out of her recovery, it seemed like something she wanted and needed to do, for her own sake. He didn't want to be the one to ruin that, even if he had been one to help her indulge in her vice only two weeks before.

Once he got to his office he didn't even bother knocking, he just opened the door and walked in, all while trying to play off the fact that he had gotten there almost running. His eyes caught sight of Alex sitting on his chair, leaning back and eyes fixed on the ceiling before getting refocused on him. She sat up straight and crooked her head a bit to her left.

— Is everything alright? — she asked. She sounded fine, not drunk nor upset, only an inquisitive and maybe even concerned tone tainting her words.

— Yes. — he nodded, knowing he had delayed the answer a bit much. She hesitantly nodded back, almost asking him to elaborate a bit more — I'm done with the class. — he explained, walking into his office and figuring he would have to seat himself on the other side of the desk since his usual spot was occupied. But, just as he laid a hand on the back of his new assigned seat, Alex spoke and stopped him from doing so.

— Actually, — she said — I was wondering if we could go to your apartment? — Ian quickly accepted her request without uttering a question about it, even if he was curious as to why she wanted to go so urgently.

In comfortable yet serious silence, they made it to his place, leaving the campus out of the sight of any curious eyes and traveling in the car with the soft sound of the radio. When they got there she went to freshen up in his bathroom and he put the kettle on for tea. Neither of them talked as he poured the tea and sat next to her on the breakfast table. They didn’t talk as they drank it, either. Ian followed his gut on the idea that she might not be up to trivial conversation. He was right, since it was until she was halfway done with her cup that she finally spoke, — She doesn’t think I can do it. — was all she said, eyes strained just above the kitchen island as her hand softly gripped the handle of the mug again, slowly giving it a sixth of a spin back and forth, hesitating on picking it up.

Ian was partially dumbfounded, right until he figured out that she was talking about her mother, — Why do you think that?

— She said it. — she stated, a defeated shrug making her words all the more, stoic face turning into a downcast one, her eyebrows itching together for a moment before she took the cup to her lips once more. Ian watched as she drank from her vastly sweetened tea, unsure of what to say and unable to say anything. His brain stood frozen as her lips parted from the cheap porcelain of his mug, she slowly put it down but the sound of the mug meeting the cold center island stopped him from finishing the few ideas he had for a reply — She said that there’s no stopping me. — Alex looked slightly away before looking back in his general direction. Still, she was not quite looking at him but at his hands as they held the mug that rested on the counter — She said she tried it all of her life, but it just doest work; that my brother’s brave to try, but- — words eluded her and she shook her head, her disbelief making way to her face, almost as if she couldn’t believe the words that she had spoken. A moment passed as she bit her lip, trying not to let her face hang demarcated, and let go of the mug, leaving her hands laying on the countertop as she looked straight ahead. She finally looked at him, straight into his eyes. He noted how tired she looked, how her lips were as red and scraped as the night she had come to his office solely to drink. She took a small breath and he directed all attention to her — I just keep thinking, what if she’s right? What if there’s really no stopping me?

Air escaped Ian’s lungs and his nostrils didn’t let any get in for just a few seconds. Alex looked away and drank some tea; Ian kept looking at her, trying to figure out what to say. She wasn’t one to ask for comfort but to seek it, and right then she was seeking it. She wasn’t changing the subject or posing a distraction as she would usually do. No, she was sitting there, right next to him, drinking tea, waiting for him to say the right thing.

He quietly cleared his throat as he tried for the right words — Maybe you didn't want to be stopped. — he said, trying to reassure her. She looked at him again, a questioning look on her face, he shrugged — Maybe you do now. — Alex looked down all while giving out a small smile, almost hiding it until it was gone, but Ian didn’t let that happen so easily, quickly adding — And if she really thinks you can’t stay sober, stay sober and rub it in her face. — he gave her a hesitant, amiable smile, waiting for a response just as she chuckled at his comment, slightly shaking her head as she looked at him.

She didn't say a word after that, only looking at him with a confronting smile and kind yet tired eyes.

It struck him as he saw her. The way she was looking at him, that small smile on her lips, it made his heart light up. But slowly the smile faded a little, giving way to something else in her eyes. He grew worried, unable to understand the change until his panicked eyes were met by her titillating gaze, and his partly opened lips were met by her’s in a soft kiss.

He kissed back, confused but glad. Accepting all of her contact, from her lips to the hand on the back of his neck. He didn’t dare to move much, almost as if he was seeing a rare bird and he was trying not to scare it off. Softly, he let go of the mug that he held on top of the counter and reached for her forearm to caress her skin. As he did, he felt her smile for a bit before feeling her fingers trace up to his hair, slowly taking them through it. Ian leaned into her touch, remembering what he hadn’t dared to forget, experiencing once again the softness of her fingers moving through his hair, tangling and untangling in it, pulling a little bit every once in a while before softly letting go. It felt so demanding yet comforting.

Alex slowly dragged her right hand from the back of his head to his neck only to end by his jaw. Stopping there to caress his face, he couldn't help but lean into it as she did. He then felt her keep going downwards through his shoulder, his chest, and then his waist. He almost held his breath throughout her expedition, letting her explore his body as he tried to gather the courage to do the same. But, as she pressed on his waist, Ian slightly opened his legs for her, almost as a reflex. She slowly slithered in, getting closer to him and letting their torsos meet as she stood in front of him, right between his parted legs.

His free hand slowly made its way to her waist, trying to let her know that he enjoyed her touch very dearly. Hands slowly explored her waist and lower back but didn't dare to move much more than that. Still, he couldn’t help but panic a little when she started to explore a lower place of his body, her right hand slowly falling from his waist to his hip until it rested on his left leg. After a few seconds he got used to her touch but he couldn’t help but to just think about it, he felt her hand twice as much as he felt anything else. The proximity it carried to his soon-to-be-aching area drove him crazy. And it almost drove him mad when she started to softly caress it, slowly inching towards the inner and upper part of his leg. Slowly but decisively, she traced her hands up to his crotch, lingering on the inside of his leg before cupping him through his pants. He couldn’t help but take in a shaky breath as her touch picked his body's attention, especially the part she was giving attention to. Slowly pulling away from her kiss, he gathered the necessary brain function to barely whisper, — You shouldn’t.

— I want to.

She kissed him again, softly and innocently, as if she wasn’t the one that had her hand pressing him between his legs. But he moved away again, silently cursing himself as he did — I can't. — silence froze the moment for a few seconds. Ian looked at Alex, her eyes were closed or she was looking down, he couldn’t tell. Her body was frozen, her hands yet to let go of him but softening their grip until they were off of his body. He pressed his eyes shut as she moved away from him, cursing a every morally upright fiber on his body, — I think you're trying to use this as a distraction and I shouldn’t enable it. You shouldn't replace one high with the other.

Alex closed her eyes before taking a few steps back, leaving half a meter between them. She turned slightly away from him, letting him see the side of her face right before she hid behind both her hands for a second, pressing down with all fingers on the bridge of her nose, covering the lower part of her face. Ian heard her breathe out and he just looked away, harshly questioning himself about his sudden morality when it came to her. Why couldn’t he just take the situation as it was? Caring was surely one peculiar thing, and something he thought he had left behind some years ago. But he seemed to be wrong, like he had some other times about the same issue. He cared about something, someone, and there was no easy way out of it. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted out.

— You’re right. — he heard Alex say and he looked back at her. She was standing half as far as before, her arms were tiredly crossed on her stomach and her eyes were on him — I was trying to distract myself. — she repeated and shrugged, moving slightly forward and losing up on her posture — I’m sorry. I guess you’re a good distraction.

Ian smiled, glad to see that playful glint back in her eyes — I would hope to be. — he joked and she just smiled for a second before staying quiet for a few more — And there’s nothing to be sorry about. It was a pretty good kiss. — she politely smiled at him, a short nod in agreement and then silence. She sat back down on the chair and looked at her cup of tea for a bit. He fiddled with his thumb, trying to unscrew the moment he had just screwed — You can stay over. If you want. — he said, trying to uplift her mood, just as he always tried to do.

She looked over at him, — You wouldn’t mind?

— Not one bit.

Chapter Text

Ian was thinking through something, she could tell. The way he was holding onto the steering wheel, shoulders slightly tensed up, even though he was driving slower than usual. He wasn't even humming to the song on the radio and the fact that he didn't change stations once the commercial break started was a huge indicator that there was something on his mind. Alex couldn't figure out what he was thinking of, especially since she had her own preoccupations in her mind. They were closing in on Greendale, only a few blocks away, and she couldn't figure out how to tell him that she wanted to walk the rest of the way there. She didn't want to seem rude but she had to do it. Stepping out of his car, in broad daylight, in front of everyone before walking into class was a lot. The dean would've got them signing those legal agreements before they walked into the building. It was too much, too fast. She was supposed to take her time and work the steps, both in their relationship and the program. But still, they were closing in on the campus. Inch by inch. Closer. She couldn't do it. It was all too much. — Can you stop the car? — she asked, even catching herself by surprise.

— What?

Alex looked at him, he was confused and slightly worried, not really looking at the road but glancing over at it every few seconds. She tried to be soft about it, — Just pull over to the side.

There was a moment of silence while he looked at the street in front of him, — Sure. — Ian said in an almost too slowly, seemingly caught off guard by her request. He slowly pulled the car over to the side of the road, stopping by the sidewalk and leaving enough space for other cars to go by. Alex’s right hand lingered on her door, not quite sure what to do as her hand fell back into her legs, — Is everything alright? — he asked as he put on the handbrake, the questioning look on his face making her feel even worse.

— Yeah. — she didn't want to hurt him, the night before had been nice, being with him always was, but she couldn't take a leap of faith that big. His big doe eyes kept looking at her, checking her sight from top to bottom with a worried look, — Yes. I just- — she looked at him again, seeing him relax a bit at her calm response. In turn, she felt some small weight lift off of her, — I think we should keep this relationship to ourselves. — she said in a rush, all out in a single breath before she paused for a few seconds, taking the time to weigh in any response he would give her. To her fortune or dismay, she wasn’t sure what he was showing on his face, he just slightly raised his eyebrows, not even aiming to respond, — So we probably shouldn't- — she hesitated as her words fell short, he looked away the moment she spoke again, looking as if he was bracing himself for a blow she was trying not to deliver. He turned to her at her sudden sigh. Her expression turned apologetic the second their eyes met, as she defeatedly said — I just think I should get to campus by myself.

— Oh. — he said as his voice fell an eight, displaying some sort of surprise or relief, she wasn’t sure.

— At least for now. — she tried to repair, — This just feels like too big a step for taking it slow.

Ian nodded as her words lingered in the air, and she added nothing as she waited for him to speak — Yes, I completely understand. — he said, sounding like he forced the words out of himself as he started to talk, nodding almost nervously as he fell into a lull of silence, looking away for a second before saying — I was thinking the same thing.

— Oh. — Alex said, sounding more surprised than she intended to, trying to chase away the slight scratch to her ego that comment had caused and focusing on the mutual agreement — Good. Yeah. — she said, unconvincingly, nodding similarly to how he had just seconds before as they fell into an awkward silence. Alex noted it was the first time she had felt that awkward around him, not knowing what to say or what to do. She felt it was too premature to leave, that there were some things that needed to be cleared up, even if everything she had thought of saying was said.

Alex’s eyes looked to the sidewalk for a moment, seeing the limited sunshine the autumn clouds let through, seeing a few leaves being dragged by the wind and missing the inside of the car just by the thought of stepping out of it. She was brought back into the car by the sound of Ian softly clearing his throat. She looked at him as he hesitated over his — So how do you… — he fell into silence as he focused on her eyes, regretting the setup for his question as he remembered how much he actually didn’t want her to go.

— Oh. Uhm. — she said before trying to think back to what she had thought to do — I was thinking of getting off here and walking the rest.

— Right. — he nodded, hands grabbing the steering wheel just a bit tighter — Yeah.

— Right. — she said, hand lingering in the air, oscillating between grabbing the door handle and getting out, and staying to talk out something she didn’t want to talk about. She took in a breath, trying not to leave things completely unresolved before getting out of the car — I'll see you in class.

— We don’t have class today.

Alex lightly winced at her own stupidity for a second, facing the still unopened door. She let out a breathy chuckle before turning to him with a slightly amused smile — Yeah, you’re right. — she accepted, still amused and embarrassed. Luckily Ian quickly smiled back at her and it helped her relax, no longer feeling the awkwardness or embarrassment she felt before. Slowly, she leaned closer towards him until she was halfway to where he was, she stopped for a moment to look at his lips before quickly tilting her head to the side to kiss him softly as an easy and agreeable goodbye. She kissed him once more when the first kiss was done, just quickly pecking his lips before releasing a small smile that quietly celebrated her actions. She went back to her first position, smile still on her face and her eyes still slightly closed before she opened them up and said, — So- I’ll see you around

It wasn’t a question and she didn’t leave time to answer, leaving before he could say another word but waiving once he got the car moving. She trembled a bit, Ian’s car didn't have the best AC but it was warm enough for the weather, templating the temperature enough not to feel the chilliness of autumn. She had felt it the moment she got out of the car, wind infiltrating in between her coat, cold enough to make her shiver. She exhaled out as she started walking, crossing her arms and hiding her hands under her armpits in an attempt to keep her hands warm, a stark contrast to how warm she had felt that morning, waking up in Ian’s arms, feeling his steady, warm breath on her shoulder as she hesitated to even wake him up for breakfast and work, not wanting to face the cold real world instead of the warm, nice bed in Ian’s growingly familiar apartment. Nevertheless, reality persevered.

She entered the campus and sighted, soon the coldness of the outside was replaced by the slight chill of the inside. And as she warmed up to the environment she couldn’t help but overhear a few snippets of conversations “I can’t believe they destroyed it” she heard, “The masquerade district was the best. I almost got with that weird blond from Women’s Studies”, “I still haven’t gotten my blanket back”. Shortly after her class, she had gathered enough information to look for Abed by lunchtime and ask him. She found him in the corridor on the way towards the cafeteria, she paced up to walk next to him and Troy, and, without even saying hello, she asked — What is this I'm hearing about a blanket fort? — and as she did she saw Troy holding a glass box with dirt, twigs, and leaves so as she pointed at it she asked — What’s that?

— This is Shelby. — he said, excitedly looking inside the glass box in his hands, unbothered by her lack of greetings. He lifted it up a bit to show Alex the snail hiding in its shell on top of the twig — We found him outside Abed’s room.

— We wanted to give him a tour of the school. — Abed explained, gesturing at the hall they were walking through. Alex nodded as they kept walking — And we built the blanket fort. — Abed answered her first question, sparring her with the ordeal of asking it again.

— It was awesome. — Troy added, a cheerful voice accentuating his amazement.

— But it got too mainstream so we destroyed it.

— Why wasn't I invited?

— You were. You didn't answer. — he explained.

— That's weird. — she mumbled as she got her phone out and stopped walking for a moment, noting they did as well but promptly focusing back on her phone, seeing it was turned off — Shit. — she cursed as she pressed the power-up button

— And I got a call from your mom. — Abed added, she looked up at him — I said you were with me like you told me to last time

She hesitated on what to say for a moment — Thank you. — she finally said — You didn't need to, but thanks. — she added, seeing him do finger guns right after. Alex looked back down at her phone as it turned on, seeing the screen flashing white she quickly looked back at Abed, — I wasn't drinking. — she assured.

— I know you weren't. You don’t smell like alcohol or that strong perfume you use to cover the alcohol. — he explained and she took sincerity kindly as it brought a fair point — Also Duncan is sober.

— What?

— When you drink with him, you both do.

— Yeah, but… — Alex kept quiet and looked at him for a moment, trying to see if she missed anything, — How do you know I hung out with him last night?

— I didn't. — he said with a short shrug. Alex looked at him both surprised but mostly just confused.

— He's a mindfreak. — Troy told her in a knowing voice, letting her know that that was due to a specific quality of Abed and not something everyone would notice, — That's why I stopped eating his candy behind his back. — he explained and Abed affirmed it with a quiet “True”. Alex lightly shook her head, amused, before looking back at her phone. As she checked her messages, all of them started to walk again, almost as if on cue. They were a few texts and missed calls from her mother, they had stopped coming in after eleven at night, probably when she called Abed. On the other hand, she had dozens of her brother’s missed calls, even a few from that very same morning.

She figured it was better to answer right then than to leave it be, but, shortly after she had sent two short messages, one saying “Hey” followed by “I'm sorry I scared you. My battery ran out”. She couldn’t even save the phone in her back pocket as they entered the cafeteria because it started crying out with a call from her brother.

She hesitated for a moment but she knew the same advice would apply, it would be better to deal with it sooner than later, so she signaled Troy and Abed to go on without her and answered — Hey.

— Where were you?

As she expected but hoped not to, she was met with instant aggressivity. Her brother sounded angry and impatient, she figured it was better not to make it worse and just give a straightforward answer. — I stayed at a friend's. I'm-

— Stop it. — he cut her off, controlling his voice like he would when he was a lot more than just angry. It was scary, it sounded like he was calm but something in his voice made it obvious that he was definitely not, — I know where you said you were. — he said, telling her he didn’t trust what Abed had told her mother — Where were you?

— At a friend's. — she honestly and hopelessly replied, — Just- — she hesitated, — Just not the one mom thinks.

Alex made a grimace full of pain and frustration as she heard her brother sigh on the other end of the line. A stern tone took over him as he spoke, — You promised you were going to stop doing this-

— I didn't drink! — she quickly interrupted him, trying to sound the least defensive that she could, hoping for the trust she hadn’t gotten from her mother just the night before.

— I meant acting like a child. — he quickly spat out, — I mean running away and hiding when things get rough.

— I didn't hide. — she childishly tried to defend herself, — My battery ran out!

— But you did run. — Alex stayed quiet, looking as Troy and Abed made their way to the cafeteria line, mostly oblivious to her conversation with her brother. She sighed, feeling tired — You always do.

— That's not fair. — she said in a monotonous and deep tone, sounding defeated, — It's not fair. You don't get it. — she continued, a tight knot tying itself in the inside of her throat, a feeling that reminded her of some few memories of her childhood. She knew she wasn’t going to cry, but she still faced away from most people in the room — She never held a grudge against you. You're fucking perfect but- — she sighted and swallowed dry, trying to control the slight shaking in her voice — I can’t do this now. Think whatever you want to think, Franco. — she said, with the full intention of hanging up, but his words stopped her.

— You're doing it again.

— Just stop it. — she pleaded, — What do you want me to say? — she sighed out, showing defeat and asking for mercy all within a few words, — She doesn't trust me, and I just needed time for myself without having to hear how much I'm doomed to screw it up.

— We don't do that.

— Mom does. — she said, almost stating it as if it was obvious. She dragged her hand through the right side of her tangled hair before continuing — It's in little ways and it drives me nuts and I needed to be alright for a minute

— So you drank? — Franco hesitantly asked, sounding empathetic yet saying it as if he was trying to trick her into telling what he thought to be the truth.

Alex let out a breath of air offended and fed up, — So I went and talked to a friend! — she almost shouted. She took a few short breaths trying to calm down before continuing — And stayed over. Because I could just be there without having to prove my innocence the second I walked through the door. — there was a small hush on the other end of the call and Alex took the win, pressing her eyes shut for a moment — Now can you and mom please stop doing this? — she asked — I get that you worry but I can have my own life. — she sighed with some pent-up frustration — I should. And I want to. Just- let me

There was a stale silence on both ends. Alex almost regretted her words. And after a few moments, she almost talked again, but she heard Franco breathe in and she stopped herself from doing so.

— I know. — he said and she relaxed like a sprinter at a finish line, slightly throwing her head back almost in a triumphal manner and letting her shoulder fall down, — I know you can. And you should. — he agreed with a certain regret in his voice. Alex wondered what the regret was specifically about before he audibly breathed in and interrupted her thoughts before speaking — But it's hard. — he admitted, — And you never made it easy.

— Yeah, I know. — Alex reluctantly let out. She looked back to Troy and Abed seeing them sitting at a cafeteria table with Annie and two others of their usual group, the tall man who was Ian’s friend and the blond woman she had shared a class with, all of them seemingly having a pleasant conversation. She focused back on the call with her brother —Look, I gotta get lunch. We’ll- we’ll talk about it. — her brother hummed on the other side of the line and she replied, — Alright. Bye.

Alex quickly got herself some pasta and vegetables and walked to the group’s table, seeing Ian’s tall friend had disappeared, — Hi, guys. — she said specifically to Troy and Abed before quickly looking at the other two occupants of the table — Mind if I sit?

— Not at all. — Troy and Annie both said in almost unison. Alex gave a small thankful smile as Abed and Troy moved to the side to leave her some room on that side of the table. As she sat she asked, — Where’s the rest of the group?

— Shirley is with his sons. Pierce called and said he had to go to Las Vegas with a bunch of hotties, so that means he fell in the shower and is trying to hide it. And Jeff just got a text and said he had to check on his car. — quickly answered Abed, fastly listing out every one of his

— That’s a sorry excuse. We should probably spare a thought for whatever chick he found willing to get with him between Candles 201 and lunch. — the blond one joked, as her quip fell mostly flat on the group she turned around and looked at Alex with a curious expression, — I feel I know you from somewhere. Weren’t you the bicurious brown Latina in my Women's Studies class from last year?

Alex took a beat, — Yeah, and you’re that white lady that made everything about labels.

The woman smiled as she threw her head slightly to her left side, — Yep, that’s me. — she said, extending her hand towards her former classmate — Britta.

— Alex. — she gave a tight smile as she let go of her hand. She took the fork from her tray and started to grab some pasta from her plate when she decided to say — And it’s bisexual, not bicurious.

Britta nodded once with a bit of an awkward smile on her face, — Understood, Elijah Wood! — she said, sounding dutiful and cheerful at the same time.

Luckily the conversation quickly returned to the subject of Troy’s new pet, who, according to Annie, seemed to be dead. As the conversation went on and Troy tried to feed the snail some of his vegetables, Alex noted Ian wasn’t having lunch in the dining hall. She figured he was in his office, probably drinking. She couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of what she said in the car, about taking it slow and not showing up as a couple on campus. She couldn’t help but think that he was trying to avoid her because of what she had said. It made sense if he was doing that, she thought, it was basically what she asked him to do, but it made her feel like shit because it wasn’t entirely what she wanted. She wanted to keep their romantic relationship on the low, not to terminate their friendship on campus. She supposed it was her own fault since she could’ve actually talked it out instead of rushing out of his car. But, aside from how upset it made her not to see him around, she was worried he had thought of her feelings as disingenuous since she was almost constantly pulling away. She had a previous experience of genuine feelings being mistakenly perceived as something less than what they were, she swore would be damned if she let that happen again, if she let misunderstanding rob her of her time with someone.

— I told you she wasn’t dead. — she heard Troy say with a slightly mocking yet triumphant tone. Alex looked over to the snail’s cage, seeing her happily eat a bit of lettuce on her little twig.

Chapter Text

Ian slowly set the car running a few seconds after Alex stepped out of it. Her kiss still lingered on his lips, mainly because of her fruit-flavored chapstick. He wasn’t sure which fruit it was but it was red and a bit spicy. Alex’s decision to arrive separately had both relieved and concerned him. It was true that he was taking an unnecessary risk by hanging out on campus with her, leaving, and subsequently returning, with her, and,
especially, by having with her sex in his office. He had been more than just lucky not to have been caught in his many indiscretions.

He knew he shouldn’t play with fire like that, because, even if he got fired by the Dean or not, Alex would still find out about his past endeavors. He knew that, no matter how long ago it had happened, and it hadn't been that long, it reflected badly on him. More than just badly. To him, it would show Alex just how much of an asshole he was sure to be. And, he was certain that if she found out she wouldn’t want to be with him. This left him with only one exit, he had to keep their relationship from the public eye until she graduated. Which, surely, couldn’t take long, even if most people at Greendale seemed to perpetually be on their four to forty-six years degree. So it was quite convenient for him since he wouldn't have to explain or lie as to why he wanted to keep things a secret; she wanted it a secret first. Sadly, as he entered the campus and directed himself to his department’s building, his mind wandered, leading him to the other reaction her request caused him.

Just like him, she wanted to keep this a secret, and just like him, she had to have a reason. He revised the excuse she had given. That they were rushing too much for a “take it slow” type of relationship. He wasn’t so sure about that, sure it seemed like a legitimate reason at first, but when he thought about it he couldn’t help but doubt a bit. If she wanted to take things slow, why had she slept at his place for the second time in the first week, or more specifically five days, of what he would probably call dating or a relationship. Were they in a relationship? He shook his head a bit, terminating that line of thought as quickly as it began.

Whatever their relationship was, that didn’t seem slow to him. Granted, he hadn't had that much experience in dating in general, but he was fairly sure that two out of five was a considerable amount. So, the question remained, why did she want to hide? And, as a bad light got him reflected on his office door, a terrible answer grew on his mind. Embarrassment. She was beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, hot, pretty; he couldn’t describe her as anything less than that but could say much more. And he was him. A thirty-three-year-old alcoholic community college psychology professor with a dubious relationship past and a three-day stubble he had forgotten to shave.

He gave out a low groan as he remembered he had a morning class and therefore couldn’t spend the first half of the day drinking. It was particularly annoying since it was a beginners’ class and he could already hear their stupid questions in his head. He had to do it, nevertheless. But, he thought, maybe a drink could help make it more bearable, or less annoying at the very least.

After twenty minutes he was late to class and had yet to finish his second glass. Once noted the time, he finished his drink in one movement and parted to the class. As he walked some students' eyes fell on him and he, already self-conscious, felt them heavier than ever. As he walked he fixed his tie and hair, all while assuring himself that he was not actually that bad, that Alex took both his situational, internal and outer shittiness and went with it, that she was not ashamed, that she did want to keep things slow and secret for her own sake and not to save herself the embarrassment of walking hand in hand with him on campus. He stopped for a second at that idea, did he want to walk hand in hand? His head went to the last time he could remember holding someone's hand. The last memory he could find was disappointingly old. It had been three months after his seventeenth birthday with a blond girl whose name he couldn't remember, it was either Sarah or Susan, he wasn't sure. It had been for a brief moment and he could barely remember It since it had been overshadowed in his teenage head by the experience of his first kiss with tongue that he had right after. He only remembered it being a bit awkward with the sweating hands and many teenage hormones; he figured that wouldn't be a bother now that he was an adult. But, still, was that something he really wanted?

After three hours of class, Ian sat in his office, drink in hand, waiting. He knew Alex wasn’t going to show up, they hadn’t arranged any plans for lunch, especially after that awkward moment in the car. He had, however, texted Winger to meet with him, offering a drink in exchange for advice, and when that offer was rejected he changed it for the forty-year-old scotch that Winger had asked to taste a few times on their drinking nights. That was good enough of an offer to have him agree to leave his manic little group and meet him at his office. It didn’t take long until he was sitting in the chair in front of him, relaxed into it with a glass of scotch in his hand, he looked at the drink as he swallowed the liquid, certain fondness showing in his eyes as he gazed at the content of the glass — That is smooth.

— Damn right it is. — Ian acknowledged — Best scotch you’ll taste until you become a lawyer again.

Half a grin appeared on Jeff’s face as he set the glass down on his leg, still holding it with his hand — So what is it that made you spend this fine drink, Duncan?

— I need help. Advice. — Ian said, setting his glass on the desk, turning it a bit as he prepared himself to speak — Jeff, I will tell you this in full confidentiality. If this gets out I could get fired.

— Duncan, I'm pretty sure everyone already knows you’re an alcoholic.

— No, not that. — he lamented, still swirling the glass on itself, trying not to sound too self-satisfied as he said — The issue, all the moment, is that I am seeing a student.

Jeff looked at Ian in silence for a few seconds, eyebrows rising as he did — I did not expect that. — he sincerely said, before taking a sip of the beverage and leaning in a little bit, showing Ian that he was at least a bit interested in his situation — Who is the unlucky lady?

— Alex. — Jeff kept looking at him, letting him know that he had no idea who he was talking about — She’s in anthropology. — Ian explained, still, nothing on his friend’s face. Ian leaned back a bit, a certain relief taking his body with the information that he didn’t recognize her by name or the class he shared with her and therefore probably hadn’t done it with her before. He hid his pleased smile and tried to describe her in a way he knew he’d remember her by. Luckily he was hit with a memory, — She's the curly-headed brunette that wore those tiny dark green shorts for my first class.

Jeff looked slightly up, showing Ian he was searching his memory for a woman based on his description, quickly he smiled, letting him know he had remembered that specific instance — Oh, yeah. — he said, seemingly pleased with the memory.

Ian couldn’t help but show a shit-eating grin, a competitive part of him filling up with triumph from Winger’s reaction to the woman he was romantically and sexually involved with, — Yeah. — he said, leaning back on his chair with a smug and amused face, overjoyed with the indirect approval.

Jeff’s smile faded into a flabbergasted look as he stared back at the Englishman, — Wait, you’re dating her?

Ian nodded, almost too eagerly, — Yep. — rejoicing at the amazing yet unexpected news he was telling his drinking buddy.

— Unbelievable. — Winger replied almost in a deadpan manner — And I do mean I cannot believe it. — Ian nodded in agreement, even if it was said as a joke for the most part. Jeffrey took another small sip of his drink and looked at him for a second — Are you exchanging sex for notes? Because if that’s the case you’re overcharging for the notes.

— No, she just likes me.

There was a beat of silence in which Jeff looked over Ian’s lively yet mildly incredulous face, eyes gleaming with excitement and amusement. Jeff’s cynicism spread throughout his body like a wildfire, the event only perceivable by the small adjustment of his eyes on Ian, slightly squinting as he looked down on him — For your personality? — he asked, maintaining the distant amusement that his voice was previously carrying.

— I am baffled, too, Winger. — Ian slowly assured as he leaned in towards the desk, almost as if he was saying it in confidence just between the two of them. Jeff gave a tight smile and a short nod — I do not know how it happened. — he finished. Slowly, he took his glass and leaned back into his chair. He took a couple of sips as he thought to bring out the real subject he needed help with — The thing is, — he added, now talking a bit more casual nevermind his nervous fiddling of the glass as he twirled it in between his hands — I’m having some trouble with her lately. — he drank a long sip as Jeff crooked one of his eyebrows.

— What kind of trouble?

Ian looked at his glass for a second, the gold-ish brown liquid swaying lightly in its little glass prison was almost hypnotizing — She’s not drinking and she wants to take our relationship slow. But yesterday she- — Ian looked down and then up to Winger’s face, wincing at the few words in which he could describe what had happened, — She threw herself at me. — he said in an unconvinced tone. Jeffrey lightly opened his mouth and nodded as if he just understood the whole ordeal.

— And now you feel guilty because you fear you took emotional advantage of her.

— No. — he said in a low tone, looking from above at the glass in his hand. Almost mumbling into the glass, he said — I told her she was trying to distract herself and that I shouldn’t enable it.

— What?

— What did you want me to do? Take advantage of the woman who decided to trust me?

— It’s what I figured you’d do! — Jeff looked at him as if he was somehow being unreasonable with the common decency he was suddenly displaying

— Well, I can’t anymore! — he protested in frustration, left hand extended in the air after he back slapped the air while talking. He let go of a breath as he tried to relax his body, hand dropping on top of his leg, rubbing it twice, first in a long stroke before doing a short up and down, all in another attempt to relax. He lightly pressed his jaw as he exhaled a small breath. — I care about her. — he explained as he broke the silence, — I do the right thing whether I want to or not. — the silence recovered its reign after that. Ian didn’t have much more to say, Jeff had yet to find what to say, his gaze lingering on the air as he slowly drank his beverage. Ian looked back at the glass in his hand for a few moments before throwing his head slightly back, completely emptying the content in his mouth. He winced a little as he softly placed the glass on the desk, right next to the bottle before pouring himself some more, with the intent of drinking it slower.

He looked at Winger as he sipped through the freshly poured whisky, watching his friend think of something. Ian remembered that look from the court back in the case he defended him. He remembered seeing that look in his face, or as he liked to call it back then, The Engines Are Turning Face of Jeffrey Winger, Genius At Law, or as he had come to call it after Winger’s first year at Greendale, The Conniving Face of Jeff Winger, Moral Relativism Enthusiast. Seeing him like that always intrigued Ian, the way Jeffrey had always managed to twist and turn people’s opinions for his own benefit or amusement. He had thought that he may have been right that first week at Greendale, that he could turn whatever he wanted into a truth, at least in other people’s minds. And maybe that meant he would give him a solution to his problem and, no matter how wrong it was, he would convince him that it was right with one swift speech.

— Look, Duncan, — he started, speaking in that calculated yet relaxed manner he reserved mostly for speeches like the one he was fabricating, — somehow you’ve managed to get not only a beautiful and nice woman to like you but, and most importantly, a surprisingly hot one. — Ian agreed to his partial insult and backhanded congratulation with half a nod and a quick press of his lips, — So, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. — he simply stated, looking at him straight in the eye. — If she wants to have sex with you, take it. She might be drunk, crying, or both, but if she has sex with you she might think she’s in love with you, and if she thinks she’s in love with you she probably won’t leave you. — he said, displaying his train of thought for Duncan to see, showing a supposedly flawless understanding of his situation and Alex’s emotional reality, — Just take what she gives you and don’t ask for much more. — he paused to show inflection on the next few words he would say, — Take the win.

Ian crooked an eyebrow — Take the win?

Jeff almost groaned at his question, wanting the conversation to be over but responding to his doubts nonetheless — Yes, take the win. — he said almost as if he wanted to grab him by the shoulders and aggressively shake him to get the information into his brain — Take what she gives you, give what she asks and you’ll be fine. — he assured. Ian nodded — And for your own sanity, try not to screw this up. — he asked. Ian almost laughed at that, knowing it was true, that if he got himself in the way of a relationship with Alex he wouldn’t forgive himself for it. As he thought that, he realized Jeff’s advice was good, if he wanted her to like him he should make a connection that extended beyond emotionality, and that if he kept cockblocking himself that wouldn’t happen, no matter how good or reasonable his motives were. Jeffrey nodded to himself as Ian seemed to be absorbing what he had told him, he relaxed into his chair and savored his drink, glad to put the subject to rest. — Now, if you don’t mind I would rather drink the rest of this in silence and not think about your junk while I do it.

— That is fine by me.

And so they did, both of them drank through the afternoon, Jeffrey blowing off his afternoon class while Ian canceled his meeting with the three-person staff of the Greendale psychology department. They didn’t talk much, both fairly comfortable with the mild noise provided by the hall outside the office but when the bottle was finished and Ian offered to open a new one Winger opted out, leaving Ian to lay in his chair, feet propped up on his desk as he slowly drank the wine he had left from the previous day, no longer in the company of his drinking friend nor the misery of his self deprecating thoughts, only feeling the world lightly spin, especially as he turned his spinning chair from one side to the other.

When the second glass of wine was almost empty he decided to just leave it on his desk until he felt enough time had passed to keep drinking. He started toying with one of the many trinkets he had on his desk as the golden light of the sunset managed to sneak through the window and lit his office with a comforting orange, he looked around for a little bit, seeing the tidy mess of his working place under that light brought back some memories from the past few months, most of them filled by Alex. He wondered how much of a terrible idea it was to go looking for her on campus, how unlikely he was to find her, then he thought about texting, maybe calling. He was unsatisfied with any of the options, he wanted to do something of a big gesture but was unable to think of one that seemed both appropriate and not too big a gesture. He figured calling her wouldn’t be too bad after all. He got his phone out and dialed her number. But as he waited for her to answer, her ringtone started ringing from the other side of his office door. He crooked his head as he managed to distinguish a soft silhouette that was cast onto the door’s glass — Alex? — he questioned, pretty confident he was correct.

— Yes? — she replied after a few seconds, ringtone still sounding from her cellphone; he wasn’t ending the call but she wasn’t picking it up nor rejecting it either.

He swallowed some saliva as he gathered the courage to speak, — Do you want to come in? — he hesitantly asked.

The music from Alex’s phone stopped for a few seconds before starting over again while Ian’s call still waited to be answered, — Are you drunk? — she asked, sounding like she knew the answer and she didn’t like it.

Ian hesitantly pressed the red button as he deliberated precisely what to say. The ringtone stopped and he felt as if he was drowning in the silence it left behind — I am, a bit. — he admitted after some time — I drank with Winger through the afternoon. — he clarified, fidgeting with his cellphone as he spoke — So, you know, that’s- that's better than usual drinking because it was buddy drinking. So that’s- better. — his voice faltered as he said it, ending in a regretful whisper that he was pretty sure she hadn’t heard. He looked attentively at her silhouette as it stood in front of the door; he looked at it hoping it wouldn’t go.

— Alright. — she finally said, unconvinced by his logic. Still, both to his relief and trepidation, she didn’t leave.

— Was there- — he faltered under the pressure of his own doubts as he tried to break the silence, he decided to stop for a second to clear his throat in an attempt to gather himself, all of Winger’s words ringing in his ear as he spoke — Was there anything you wanted to say? — Ian watched her silhouette with attention, seeing her fidget in place as the silence took over once more. The dark frail shadow in his door looked down and shook its head. Was she mad? Sad? Disappointed? There was no way he could tell but with every second of silence, he was even more sure she was upset in some way. He was almost completely convinced she was going to leave. He covered his face with his hands, exasperated with himself and the situation, understanding that, if she left, going after her drunk, in broad daylight would not be good by any measure.

The sound of the door opening and closing put an end to his misery. He looked up in a haze of shock, seeing Alex, just as nice as she looked that morning, in her blue jeans and dark brown coat, now with a grey wool hat in her hand and her backpack on her back — Hi. — he said as she turned around, somewhat bewitched by her presence.

Alex gave him a soft smile, seemingly in reaction to his greeting. She looked at the wool cap she held between her hands for a moment and looked back at him to say — I was going to ask you if you were free on Saturday.

He was unsure as to why she sounded somewhat shy or why she was fidgeting with the wool cap but he nodded almost enthusiastically nonetheless — I am.

— Good. — she said with a small nod as he noted that she was still standing by the door — Would you like to go out?

— I would, very much.

Alex smiled a little bit at his words — Good — she said and stopped fidgeting with the wool cap and let it rest near her legs, giving him one last look over before saying — I’ll see you tomorrow.

Ian saw her turn to the door but managed to speak before she grabbed the doorknob, — Alex, wait. — she turned her head to look at him, a confused look on her face — Are you mad that I’m drunk?

Alex’s body softly relaxed as she turned to him, taking half a step away from the closed door. — I’m not — she assured, sounding sympathetic and sweet.

Nevertheless, he asked, — You sure?

— I’m sure. — she said but Ian’s unconvinced gaze did not waver. To him, she didn’t sound convinced of her own words. But, before he could lie and say he was convinced and satisfied with her answer, she started walking towards him, it wasn’t in a rush; his office didn’t take that long to walk to completion. Still, he was too shocked and drunk to even think of raising himself off of his chair to meet her halfway. No, Ian stayed in his chair as she walked across the office, watching her in astonishment as she stopped next to his desk and leaned over it to reach for him and kiss him. He was at a loss as she held the side of his face with her right hand, leaning into him as he came to understand and appreciate what was happening. Unlike the one in the car, this kiss lasted longer, even if they were in an awkward position where they had to lean over the desk to meet. Her tongue swiftly invaded his mouth and he reciprocated as quickly as he could, trying to gain on her but not quite being able to. Still, just like in the car, she was the one to pull away a bit too suddenly. He opened his eyes as she did, and saw her, eyes closed, softly sucking her lower lip, softly frowning at her findings. She smiled a bit before an airly chuckle escaped her lips and she laid the back of her index finger in between her closed lips to cover them.

— What? — he asked, a bit confused yet amused, almost as if she was keeping a funny joke from him because she was laughing too much to tell it.

He saw her lightly shake her head at his question but then answered nonetheless — You taste like whisky and wine. — she explained, looking at him, her small smile faltering as she spoke. They shared a gaze for a moment longer but she ended up looking at his desk once her words settled into the air and the small smile her kiss had provoked fell from Ian’s face.

Alex didn’t say another word, and neither did Ian, both of them let those words wash away in silence before she gave him a small smile and walked back to the door, stopping for a second when he called for her again — I’m sorry. — he said, she shook her head a little bit.

—It’s alright. — she assured, giving him a tight smile right after — I’ll see you tomorrow. — her hand lingered on the doorknob for a second but she left him alone nonetheless. He figured it was for the best to leave it at that, even if it made him feel worse about himself, there was nothing that could be said that would have improved the situation, he was sure.

Chapter Text

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Alex hadn’t planned on being so nervous, but she couldn't help it. She was wearing an old black dress she loved dearly when she was younger but hadn’t worn in a couple of years. She had decided on wearing it the same day that she had set the date with Ian. She had gone home that day and looked through her closet, coming to realize she didn’t really have anything that she deemed good enough for a date except for some of her old clothes. She had chosen a dress she hadn’t worn all that much even if she had owned it for a long time. It seemed right enough for a date. It ended a little lower than her mid-thigh, it was loose from the waist down but comfortably fit on the torso and was completely black. She figured that was the kind of dress adult people were supposed to wear on a first date, even if it felt a bit juvenile. She figured he’d show up in a nice shirt, she’d wear a nice dress, they would have a nice dinner, chat, maybe he would lend her his coat as they walked back to his car, he’d drive her home, kiss her goodnight. She hummed to herself as she noted they had already done all those things, except for the fancy dressing. That, however, didn't release her from the twinkling in her hands and stomach that came from nerves and excitement for the evening to come. She put on the low black boots she would usually wear if she was dressing up, just to feel more comfortable in the dress and especially since it was so cold out that night. She had thought about changing up her dress for a warmer outfit but she had already shaved her legs early that morning and she didn’t want that effort to go to waste, still, she decided to wear some transparent pantyhose.

With some hesitance, and already hating how much she had smoked that week, she opened the window and looked for her cigarettes. She put on a cardigan that was laying on her bed once she felt the cold breeze coming in and lit an aromatic candle and then her smoke. As she smoked she thought about putting on some thicker black pantyhose but, by the time he had finished smoking, she forgot about it, being preoccupied with different concerns that plagued her mind.

Alex had had her doubts about the idea of going on a date the moment she thought of it, but it seemed like the only viable idea of showing Ian she really wanted to be in a relationship with him. Especially in the nervous state that she held that afternoon when he hadn’t even talked to her, not even via text, and therefore igniting fear she had ruined their whole relationship. It was the only idea she had that seemed worth trying and she did, and now part of her regretted it. She had always felt so comfortable with Ian, and that comfort had been helped and built on by the fact they were both always drinking together, and, later on, upheld by the sheer casualness of always being in his office, campus, or in his house. But by going on a date, an actual proper dinner date, all while she was sober, seemed to be a bit too far out of their comfort zone. She felt unprepared, her mind racing on about what they were going to talk about, where he would take her, who would pay the check, even if he was the one who would usually take care of it on their previous outings Alex’s brain felt it was a matter worth worrying over since she was the one who had suggested the outing.

She breathed out the last drag of smoke, closed the window, wrapped the cigarette butt in a paper napkin, and threw it in the trash. She focused on her reflection in the mirror when she straightened up. She looked over her entire self, eyes focusing on her face and hair. She wanted to put on some make-up, she was sure of that, but, what she wasn’t sure of, was of straightening her hair or not. Ever since her first year out of high school, she had stopped straightening her hair, only falling under her mother’s pressure and persistence on special occasions, birthdays, and holidays. It had taken her more than a year to restore her hair since she would iron it almost every day ever since her mom had taught her how to iron it at eleven years old. She had burned herself and her hair a lot that first year but, after a little while, it became a second nature to wake up and straighten it every morning. She was glad she had stopped, even if it was harder to take care of her curly hair instead of ironing it out, but at the same time it felt so much easier, freeing, and less troublesome than waking up an hour earlier every morning. Still, whenever she felt self-conscious about her appearance or her mom would mention it, she had to fight back her childish insecurity-driven impulse to fall in line with the more popular girls in school. She thought about it for a moment. Would Ian like it better? Would it be too much? She felt childish thinking about what he would think but, even if she hated to admit it, she cared about what other people thought, especially people she liked and wanted to be liked by. Still, she fought the urge and, taking with her a loose-fitting dark red corduroy jacket, some money, her cellphone, and her ID. Slowly stepped back to blow out the candle before she left her room.

Without saying much, she walked through the living room and left her coat on the couch as she saw her mother sitting by the table, calmly knitting a wool scarf she had just started that afternoon. She was halfway done; it wouldn’t be long before Eric had a new scarf for his collection of winter clothing. They hadn't talked all that much that week, so she hoped that would spare her the usual interrogation she was held subject to every time she went out. But ten minutes after she got to the bathroom, as she was halfway through her makeup, her mom came to stand by the door — You’re looking nice in that dress. — she said. The compliment was shortly met with a smile from her daughter before she focused back on the task at hand. Alma didn't speak for a few seconds but didn’t move either, looking at her as she got ready — Makeup? — Alex knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t asking about her makeup, she was asking where she was going and what she was going to do.

— I'm dining out with a friend. — she explained, painting the eyeliner on the upper eyelid with close attention.

— A date? — Ale looked at her, tired eyes asking to please cut it off but she just shrugged, trying to sound innocent as she said, — I’m just asking.

Alex hesitated for a bit, thinking of how she could answer, — Sure, — she reluctantly admitted as she arduously fought back the urge to sigh; it was never just asking with her mother, there always seemed to be an angle to almost everything she’d do or say. Still, not answering could turn things for the worse. She looked back at herself in the mirror, starting with her other eye. — I guess you could call it a date if you want. — she clarified almost with a bite, hoping she would take the hint and leave her alone. She knew things were never that easy with her mother.

— Where are you going?

She put the eyeliner back in the box and grabbed the mascara as she went along with her mother's request, — To a burger place, downtown.

— Sounds nice. — Alex didn't answer, too focused on not ruining her work with mascara, still, her mother stayed there. She put the mascara aside and grabbed her lipstick, knowing her mother would have something to say about that maroon color. And just as expected, Alma hummed in disapproval. Alex spared a quick glance at her and so she took the chance to speak — ¿El rojo? (The red one?)

— ¿Qué tiene el rojo? (What’s wrong with red?) — Alex asked, before looking at herself, trying not to move her mouth too much as she painted her lower lip.

— Es de puta, Ale. (It's a whore's color, Ale) — as her mother said that, the dark red lipstick left her lips and she looked at her, questioning her words even if she had heard them many times before. Her mother, in response to her gaze, rose her hands and looked at the reflection of her daughter instead of actually looking at her — No digo que lo seas, (I'm not saying that you are one?) — she started and Alex couldn’t help but roll her eyes, already knowing what words would follow, — solo digo que lo pueden pensar. (I'm just saying that they might think it) — they both said at the same time, Alex mocking her as she did. Her mother gave her a mix of a death glare and a stern look. — No me burles, Alejandra. (Don't mock me, Alejandra.) — she sternly warned.

Alex sighed with exasperation — You’ve been saying the same shit since I was thirteen, and I have yet to be paid.

— Alejandra!

— Mom, please let me and my lipstick be. —Alex pleaded as she rolled her head. Alma just dismissed her with a wave of her hand as she walked away. Alex groaned and looked in the mirror and rolled her eyes as she diffused the color with a tissue, leaving some on but in a more natural-looking way, still, she took the lipstick with her. As she looked in the mirror she wondered once more if she had overdone it but she assured herself that, aside from the lipstick, it wasn't a look too far off from the things she would usually wear.

She stepped out of the bathroom as she checked her phone, seeing Ian hadn't texted or called yet.

She sat down on the couch, keeping her attention on the TV which her mother almost perpetually kept on the news as background noise. It was fairly depressive; crime, world news, and natural disasters, not a very positive mood-building for the date but a fair distraction from her mother's comments, still Alma made her opinions known.

— You should iron your hair. — she said, again on her chair with her still-in-the-making scarf, — It looks so much better when it's ironed.

— Mom. — she complained, tired of the feedback. Still, she hesitated on the idea, thinking back to what she was pondering in her bedroom.

— It's just really messy today.

Alex refrained from answering, staying perfectly still as she watched the news, knowing her mother was looking at her with a reproaching look. However, her mind did go on with the thought of straightening her hair and, on the request of a whim, she stood up and went to the bathroom to look for the hair iron. With every strand she straightened, she hesitated on her decision but since it was coming along nicely she kept doing it. Fifteen or so minutes later her arms were tired and all of her hair was straight. It was odd seeing herself like that again, unable to remember the last time she had done that to her hair. It framed her face differently, the slick cascade of tar-dark hair made her miss the playfulness it carried in its natural state. Her right hand ran through it as she looked at it in the mirror. She regretted it a little but it didn’t look so bad, it just reminded her too much of her younger self, even if it did make her feel a bit more elegant and mature, it was still odd.

She unplugged the iron and left it in its place before leaving the bathroom to walk back into the living room, having her mother light up as she stepped out with her changed look — See, that looks so much better! — she chimed. Alex wanted to tell her that it wasn’t better, it was just fine but it wasn’t what she wanted, to tell her that she should stop trying to control her and make her more to her liking. But she didn’t, she just let her mother trance her hand through her fingers until she was annoyed with her lack of reply, which was pretty fast.

Alex moved away as her mother did and sat on the couch’s backrest, looking away from the TV and looking at the door instead. Her arms were crossed over her chest, her jacket laying on one of them as she waited. Luckily, and before her mother could throw another comment about her appearance, she heard Ian's car outside, followed by a text from him reading "I'm 8-side". She smiled at the incomprehensible choice of abbreviation and stood up from the couch, grabbing the jacket and her cellphone from the table.

— Are you staying over?

She stopped by the door at her mother's question, thinking of the question she was actually asking. She looked at her and shrugged — I don't know. — she said, maturely opting out of childishly replying "If he pays enough" as she had once done when she was a teen, no matter how many little parts of her wanted it. Granted that time she was going out with her friends, but it did get her one of the yellings and fights of her lifetime, plus the cancellation of her outing.

As she stepped outside she was instantly met with a cold, windy night, Colder than she expected for that time of year. She put her coat on and locked the door before walking towards his car, saying hello with a warm smile as she sat down on her usual seat, glad to be out of her house and even more glad to be there with him. She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, smiling as his eyes roamed over her face and body, — You look amazing. — he said after greeting her with a warm smile. His eyes moved to the side of her face and followed down before shooting back up, — And your hair- it’s different.

Alex smiled at his comment and nodded, trying to push away her worries about whether or not he had liked her hair, as she looked over his attire. Unlike his professor outfit, his dinner date outfit was more relaxed, for what she could see he was wearing dark jeans, a white grey and black with a single graham pattern buttoned up, and a red bomber jacket with white details on the cuffs, the collar, and the hem. She smiled, — You don't look too bad yourself. — she said and he didn't know how to take the compliment, fumbling a bit in negatives and "No, I- No. I doubt it, but thanks" She would’ve insisted on the compliments but she let it slide, understanding he couldn’t take them easily, so she just smiled and asked where they were going. Ian explained where the small restaurant was situated in the center of their town and how he had found it. It had been Professor Albrecht who had gone there with his spouse and had certainly liked it enough to share it with every other professor and teacher at the launch that Thursday. It had opened recently, according to the professor, and it had a nice ambiance. Alex gladly listened to him as he then went on to ramble on about how Chang kept standing by the door of the launch and aggressively complaining to every professor about how they had upgraded the launch once he had gone become a student. He told her how the previously crazy professor turned deranged student kept telling everyone they owed him a couch and a minifridge. Alex laughed at the insanity Chang had made himself known for through the school.

After a fairly quick and pleasantly chatty car ride, they found themself a few couples of blocks away from the entrance of the food place since the parking was too expensive, they only had to walk a few blocks, which led to them softly leaning into each other to warm up, but soon enough they were in the place. Alex noted the dark yet slick decor that ran through the establishment paired with a couple of neon signs and memorabilia on the walls. It had a nice ambiance, clearly a place for people in their late twenties to early thirties to grab dinner and a drink while maintaining the great quality of not being a bar. She walked next to Ian towards a free spot they saw in the back of the room. They weren't walking too close together, arms barely touching. She looked around once more, thinking that getting take-out food and eating at Ian's apartment would've been a better idea. There were so many people inside, anyone from Greendale could be there. Maybe Leonard was having a drink just right in the corner of that restaurant and before Monday would hit they would both be in a public relationship with at least three betting pools on how long they would last and who would be the one to end it, Odds eighty-seven to one it was her after before the second month. Her brain kept running and short-circuiting with her fears and concerns but, right as they sat down, Alex shared a gaze with Ian and felt at ease. His kind brown eyes looked at her with curiosity and excitement helping her ground herself in the moment they were sharing. She was having dinner with Ian, outside of his apartment, for the first time, it was a big deal but, at the same time, it was just a meal with Ian, one like the other dozen before, she could handle it.

Her body relaxed as her mind did. Slowly bringing up a smile on her lips, she looked at him, — You were right, this is a nice place.

— It was a good recommendation, yeah

They ordered a burger each, Alex asked for her’s to be without pickles and Ian ordered a plate of fries for the table. As the dinner came and went, so did their conversation topics, starting off with the look of the place and ending up with Troy and Abed’s pet snail, all as they ate.

They talked like they usually did, no fuzz over the topic, just about anything that would cross their minds or their sight. They were waiting for the check, in soft silence, when she noticed him staring at her, — What is it? — she asked and his eyes instantly fell from her hair to her eyes.

— Nothing. It’s just- — he hesitated — your hair.

One of her hands instinctively went to grab it as she frowned in slight disappointment and a reasonable surprise, — You don’t like it? — she asked, sounding sadder than she intended for such a petty little detail like his opinion of her hair.

— No. — he stuttered out in surprise and she frowned slightly more deeply — I mean- I do. It’s just- strange- — he winced at his words — No, not strange, but- It's- quite different.

Alex smiled with more than just endearment at his fumbling and mumbling. She decided to ask and see what he actually thought of her hair, maybe enjoying seeing him screw it up a little as he replied, — Does different mean good or bad?

— I- Uh- I mean — he faltered for a second as he tried to filter the right words through his brain and into his mouth — it’s nice, I’m just not used to it. — he said, significantly slower than before, hesitating to even say it.

She smiled at his answer, letting go of her hair as she leaned forward onto her elbows on the table — I used to wear it like this every day. — she reminisced.

— Really? Why?

— I don’t know. — she shrugged as she leaned back, trying to explain something that went beyond words at that time — It’s supposed to be prettier, tidier. — she settled, giving out a shrug to let him know those weren’t pre-settled parameters she looked for in ironing her hair — Less wild.

— I think I like it better wild. — he said seemingly without thinking. She smiled at his confession, — Don’t get me wrong, — he stopped her from speaking something she hadn’t even thought of yet — you look really hot like this but it’s not- — he paused — I guess it’s just- — he hesitated to say the words, thinking that maybe he was overreaching on his belief of knowledge of Alex. Still, he spoke with a slow hesitant drawl, — not quite you.

She smiled, — Yeah, it’s not. — she agreed, seeing her hair slip through her fingers as she passed them through it — It’s more like old me, actually.

— And how was old you exactly?

She frowned for a second at such a personal question. She liked it, and he seemed to be actually interested in what she had to say, hands laying on the table as they played with his cold glass. She took a breath, — She was, — She trailed off as she spoke, she remembered who she was not too long ago, and to speak of that old self was hard but she could manage — preoccupied with everything, yet painfully clueless. She was very... — Alex stopped again, trying not to insult herself as she spoke, smiling as she found a way out of the words as — Very constricted. Dull, even. But she was alright, I guess. — She shrugged, managing to cheer up her melancholic speech by the end. He looked somewhat interested in her words, something she had noted he consistently did ever since the first time they had actually talked, and she felt she did the same. Continuously feeling intrigued by him, even through their stupidest conversation; he was comfortable and interesting and she wanted to know more about him. She leaned in, supporting herself on her left elbow, propping her chin on the palm of that hand. She looked at him through her smile as she asked, — What about old Ian? What was he like?

He looked at her, she could tell he had the words but didn't want to say them. She raised her eyebrows at him and crooked her head, leaning a bit further into her palm, almost asking him the question again with her behavior, all of her attention was on him and he saw himself obliged to comply, — He was selfish. — he nodded, looking at the table cloth right after. He messed around with a little piece of a used paper napkin that lay on the table before looking back at her, — I still am, but I didn’t know it back then. — he clarified before returning to the ongoing list, — He was very optimistic, bright-eyed, oblivious. — he listed, trailing off in thought, — I’m not sure how, but he was both better and worse than me.

His eyes never returned to her, only lingering around the air above the table. Alex felt the impulse of throwing herself to his rescue, — For what it’s worth, I really like current Ian.

His eyes finally returned to hers, — That's good I figured you'd leave him for the old one. — he joked. He had said it in good humor, as a joke, but she could tell that it carried something else in it, he had looked away by the end, slightly frowning. Alex opened her mouth, almost about to talk when the waitress came to give them the bill. Alex went for her pocket but Ian stopped her with a few words — Don't worry, I'll pay.

— You don’t have to.

— It’s alright.

— No, really, you always pay.

He looked up from his wallet, fingers pinching the cash he had counted, ready to give the money to the waitress but not doing so yet, eyes focused on her with a relaxed and sincere sentiment — I don’t mind, Alex. — he easily assured her before continuing with his task.

Alex watched him count the money and give it to the waitress. They both thanked her as she left. They settled back into their positions, and a question occurred to her, — Would’ve past Ian taken the bill? — he looked at her with an amused yet intrigued smile.

Even though it was a silly question, Ian thought about it for a second, actually evaluating whether Past Ian would’ve done it or not, most of his upper weight laying on the table with his elbows — I don’t think so. — he honestly replied, relaxing back a little bit.

Alex smiled mischievously, leaning toward his side of the table, and alluringly said, — Then I think I choose the right Ian.

— Oh, it’s like that? — he cheekily challenged and she responded with an excitedly amused smile, nodding a little bit, happy to see him amused. His eyes were on her face as she responded with a small quiet “Yes”, dropping to her lips and then going back up until they flickered to the side of her face twice, one out of reflex and the other one in recognition. She was distraught for a second as he cussed out a short, — Shit. — she hesitated to look back to where he was staring but he stopped her, — Don’t look. The Dean just walked in. — he warned and she grew a bit stiff. She wasn’t sure of what to do, her brain entering a slight panic mode as she ran down the situation and possible courses of action.

— Shit. — she cursed as she tried to finish up a plan, — Did he see you? — she asked him, noticing as he shook his head that he was hiding his face and slouching forward a little — Alright, so he definitely didn't see my face. I’ll go to the bathroom and try to see a way out the door. You leave normally, trying not to be seen, and we’ll meet in the car. — she planned and Ian looked at her in some sort of amazement as he nodded, — Good. — she assured with a nod before running off to the bathroom. She entered quickly and lay against the door to close it. As soon as it clicked shut she breathed out in relief, hand over her stomach, before opening her eyes and noting the twenty-something-year-old girl looking at her with a shocked expression as the water ran on the sink she was standing in front of.

— Are you alright? — she asked, concerned yet standing still on the same spot. She was wearing some loose lightly ripped black jeans, some high heels boots, and a nice red blouse, upon which her box braided hair fell on top of.

— Yeah, — the girl relaxed at her answer — I was just on a date and now I’m hiding from someone.

The girl closed the faucet and dried her hands with a paper towel as she turned to her, intrigued — His wife? — She asked with a questioning look in her eyes and a pitiful smile on her lips.

— No, no, he’s- — she hesitated a little. If the girl's first thought was that she was dating someone with a wife, her situation would be no problem. She straightened out as she spoke, — Well, he’s my professor and the dean is out there.

— Uh, secret lovers! — she amusedly said, — I love it.

Alex, for a short moment, looked at her as if she was crazy, but she then remembered she was the girl hiding from her dean in the bathroom because he caught her in the middle of a date with her teacher — Yeah... I guess. — she nodded off — But now I gotta get out without the dean seeing me.

The girl shrugged, — I’ll help you.

Alex looked up at her as she offered her help — Really? — she questioned and the woman nodded, — Thank you. — she relaxed for a second and thought for a second about what to do before her eyes went back to the girl in front of her, — I’m Alex.

— Tyra. — she smiled and then focused back — Can you show me where the Dean is? — Alex nodded and turned to the door. Once Tyra reached the door she opened it slightly and scanned the room, looking for Pelton, she ended up pointing toward the table where Ian sat, the dean standing in front of him, talking. Tyra went back in, walking away from the door and turning back to her with a questioning look — You go to Greendale?

Alex panicked a little and cautiously asked, — Yes, why?

Tyra’s eyes widened as she smiled with amusement and excitement, — Who are you dating?!

Alex felt her blood drop to her feet, — Shit, you go there?

— Yeah. — Tyra laughed out, in a 'duh-uh' manner, before jumping back into her amused enthusiasm, — Now, who is it? Is it Ladders? Garrity? Slaughter?

Alex stopped mid mild freak-out at the surprise from the last name on Tyra's list, inquiring about it with morbid curiosity and utter confusion, — Slaughter?

Tyra made a face and shrugged a little, — You’d be surprised. — Alex laughed, a bit unconvinced, thinking about it for a second before shaking her head the second she did. At her silence Tyra grew impatient and insisted, — C’mon, who is it?

— I- — Alex hesitated as she trailed off.

— Alright, I’ll see it myself.

— It’s Duncan! — she called out, watching herself to not shout too loudly. Tyra stared at her for a moment, slight disbelief or confusion in her eyes, maybe both.

— You mean, — she gestured drinking before finishing her question, — Duncan?

Alex felt her cheeks heat up a little, — Yeah. — she nodded, only to be met again by a confused silence.

— Why? — she asked, deadpan serious, with seemingly genuine intrigue.

— Oh, c’mon! — she complained, dropping her shoulders as she slightly looked up at her, — He’s sweet.

— He is?!

— Yeah, he is. — she defended, — And he’s kind and funny. — she smiled a little as he thought back to him — A bit self-assured yet self-conscious. — she shook her head, smile still painted on her lips, — He’s just-— she hesitated for a moment, biting her lip as she figured out how to pack her perception of him into a single word. She shrugged as she hopelessly said, — nice.

Tyra looked at her for a little bit, a bewildered expression on her face. Still, Alex did not back down in embarrassment even if she was furiously blushing. — Oh, babe, — Tyra cooed looking at her as if she was the most pitifully adorable thing she had seen, — you got it so bad. — resolved her newfound confidante, a lighthearted smile on her lips, almost mockingly amused by her revelation.

Alex opened her lips to deny it but she didn't let herself do it, face frozen in motion as she realized, — Shit. I do. — Alex mumbled, feeling the weight of her own words escape her lips, feeling their bittersweet taste linger on the tip of her tongue.

— Well, good for you. You are way out of his league so you know you got him.

Alex chuckled a little — I- thank you? — she stumbled out, feeling a bit flattered but wondering if she had to explain in more detail how attractive and nice Ian was. She decided against it. She knew Ian wasn’t conventionally attractive but, she figured, neither was she, she wasn’t a skinny little white woman, no matter how much she ironed her hair, avoided the sun, or did diets for, — But, please don’t tell anyone at Greendale. I’m just not ready for that. — Tyra hesitated, eyes lingering on her as she thought about it with a hesitant face, — Please.

— I- just one person.

— Please don't. — Alex pleaded. Tyra looked away towards the floor, thinking about it but clearly not wanting to accept the condition — Please. For the forbidden love.

— Oh, don't strike me in my romantic heart. — she pleaded, following with a low hum that continued for a few seconds as she made a pout and slightly bounced on her right leg, resting year to her young facade — Alright, — she reluctantly agreed, — but you owe me.

— I do. I so owe you. Now let’s get out of here. — she walked toward the door and Tyra followed.

— You're tiny, just walk to my side, right behind me, and I'll cover you. — Alex nodded and, after liking their arms together, they both stepped out.

All while trying not to be noticed, Alex tried to look over at them, Ian spared her a look of interest but it disappeared quickly, most likely not to have the Dean take notice of his stare. As they were near the door, Ian stood up too, soon to exit and Alex rushed out with Tyra.

As they stepped out, they both shivered a little from the cold. But Alex, with the adrenaline rush, didn't notice it all that much — What're you gonna do now?

— I’ll just wait by his car. — she explained, and quickly gave out a — Thank you.

Tyra smiled — You're welcome. — she nodded, turning slightly toward the door but not walking away, — Is he- — she hesitated, eyes lingering on the floor before looking for her — Is he really that nice?

She was a bit shocked at the question but she answered nonetheless, — Yeah. — she shrugged with a doubtful easiness to it. — He’s… comfortable. — she said, yet again finding a good enough word that wasn't quite great enough, — And exciting, too. — she added, slightly confused as to how long had she had those feelings that were so wonderful to experience and hard to put into simple adjectives? She felt she needed thousands of dictionaries to string together a sentence good enough to describe her feelings or him in their entirety. But in the meantime she could only try.

— Ok now you owe me twice because I had to witness that. — Alex laughs, finally being conscious about her enamored smile that she tried to diminish as she nodded to Tyra's new terms, — Alright, I'll see you on campus when I think of something you can do for me.

— Alright. And, thank you, again.

Tyra shrugged as she walked back towards the door and said — Don’t worry about it, I’ll be repaid. — Alex laughed a bit at that, turning around right after and walking back to the car.

As she walked, her mind wondered about all those words she had said about Ian. She wasn’t sure where they had come from or why had she told them to a girl she barely knew. She guessed that between the situation, Tyra’s intrigue, and friendly approach, she had seen it as a fit place to voice her feelings, something she hadn’t done quite like that to anyone. It made sense, AA wasn’t the place to talk about it, Evelyn wasn’t the person to talk about it, she didn’t feel it would be something Abed would be interested in hearing, plus he never asked. She figured the only person she would tell those things to would be Ian, but to talk to him about it would defeat the purpose and be way too embarrassing. Tyra seemed like a nice person, and she really hoped she wouldn’t tell anyone, but she couldn’t help but feel embarrassed about what she had said. She covered her face with her hands and shook it a little as she quietly laughed out, — God. — she scoffed as she looked forward, seeing Ian’s car just a few meters ahead.

When she reached the car she leaned back into the passenger's door, she looked towards the way she had come, Ian was nowhere to be seen. As she stayed there waiting, she couldn’t help but to keep thinking back on what she had said. He really was, as she had put it, comforting, exciting, and calming, and exhilarating. Ian carried a warmth for her, his entire self, his hand, his words, his gazes. He was warm and caring, and she wanted to be warm for him, too. She wanted him to feel the same about her, to be a refuge to him, she was widely lost as to how to make it happen, but she wanted it. She wanted him to feel like she felt. And she knew that, to some extent, he did. She knew he probably felt that same rush when they touched or kissed. That probably, the feelings he caused on her, that feeling of tingles all through her insides, or the warm implosions, she caused it on him. But she did wonder, without any certainties on it, if he felt that lovely calm too, if he too felt lke was waking up at nine am on a Saturday without any worries ahead when he was with her. To her, he was an almost done puzzle, a meal that was nearly about to be served. He carried all the satisfaction of something that took work and with the excitement it brought it being nearly done and the calm that it brought knowing that it was well done.

She shivered a little at the thought, and then she realized she actually shivered at the weather, subsequently, she realized she had left her coat inside. She snuggled into herself and looked towards the way she had come. She hoped Ian would get there quickly.

Chapter Text

Things were going great, actually great. So well, in fact, that of all the dates he had been part of -and they weren’t many. It was one of the few ones his date wasn’t using the bathroom as an alibi for running off on him, however, this time his date, thought better in its own terms but still quite annoying, was using it to hide from Dean Pelton. They were having a good evening, talking through any and all topics, joking around, all while enjoying a nice, casual dinner, but then Pelton arrived, setting the almost finished date to a screeching halt. It was a bit weird for Ian, not the Pelton showing up part, though that too was unusual and odd, but the date part. He feared being a bit rusty when it came to dates, it had been more than four years since he had had an actual date. Of course, he didn’t count them exactly like four years straight, especially since he counted all those times he spent the afternoon drinking with Alex dates, even their explicitly not-a-date dinner and dessert was a little bit like a date in his mind. And those were good dates, but something about going out specifically to grab a bite and chat was more official and made it seem a bit more special. It was, after all, their first actual date.

He had thought about it throughout the dinner, wondering if after that date he could say they were dating, right? He wasn’t sure but given her words in the car and Jeffrey’s advice he preferred not to ask too many questions like those. He decided to just tag along and carry on, even without a name to call themselves by. But right then he couldn't just tag along and carry on with her since the Dean had yet to let him go. Luckily, he didn't seem to have recognized Alex but he had seen he was with someone, and Ian couldn’t get away fast enough before the gushing and joking and questioning began. Pelton was someone who was hard to get rid of, even a lie of having a date who had an emergency, that might have made it look like he was abandoned mid-date, especially since Alex had forgotten her coat, wasn't enough to be politely and quietly excused. Pelton was yet out of things to say. It wasn't as easy of an out as he thought it would've been with any other person, he knew he had gotten rid of Jeffrey with fewer words and almost no explanation, so why was he so hard to get rid of?

He nodded along and made it known that yes, he was fine; no, he didn’t want to stay for a bite; yes, he was sure he was fine, and yes, the date had gone well and he really did need to go, no specific reason as to why, thank you very much. Luckily, Pelton said goodbye after the second barely disguised outburst of impatience on Ian’s part. They gave each other polite smiles and went on their ways, Ian rushing off once he was outside, noticing a bit of sleet falling from the sky. He cursed, Alex would be freezing in that short, black, slinky dress that had been driving him mad through the whole dinner. He had liked the new look she was wearing that night -especially the dress- but he did miss her curls. And even though her lips looked scrumptious in red, a part of him longed for the casual Alex. This Alex, all dolled up, lacked her easiness in her own body, he could tell, the way she carried herself, arms hugging herself when she was standing, knees pressed against each other when she was sitting, shaking her head only to find strands of straight hair falling on her face. He saw she seemed somewhat conflicted about her hair, putting it behind her ear whenever she noted it. A thought appeared in his head, one that had never before occurred to Ian while looking at an attractive woman, was she comfortable? By the looks of it, right as he thought of it, no; she was shivering by his car, arms hugging herself and knees pressed together for other reasons than simple aesthetic and self-conscious tribulation.

He hurried up to her with worry guiding his body — Shit. — he cursed as he got to her, seeing her shivering and slightly damped — Are you okay? — he asked as he held her by her arm, feeling her skin cold against his hand. She nodded as he put her coat over her shoulders, softly rubbing her arms to bring her warmth but careful not to do it too harshly. She tried to speak but her shivering came to stutter and ended in nothing but hissed breaths. Ian softly moved her out of the door’s way to open it, he helped her In, careful not to make her move too fast or too quickly as she was still shivering. In a quick instant he got rid of his jacket, put it on top of Alex, and closed the door, he jogged to his side of the car and got in, panicking a little as she continued to shiver. Her cheeks were slightly tainted red, just like the tip of her nose and the knuckles on her hands.

Ian looked for the blanket he kept in his car, knowing it had to be in the backseat. He promptly grabbed it and put it on top of her legs. He moved his hand to her face to check her temperature. — You're freezing. — he stated in concern. He turned the car on but stopped himself from putting it in motion since starting out as cold as it was would hurt the engine.

— I'm f-fine. — she stuttered, speaking between shallow breaths as she did. Ian noticed she started moving her legs, rubbing them slightly against each other as her body shook — I-I ju-just c-can't stop sh-shiv-vering.

He looked at her up and down, trying to figure out what to do, he luckily remember what had been the course of action his grandma had taken when he returned from school, freezing cold and with most of his clothes wet after a prank his classmates had pulled on him — You need to take off your dress.

— I d-don't t-think this-is th-the time for that. — she joked between stutters and shallow breaths, her body still shivering even if her face showed a small grin.

He laughed a little but it was mostly stiffed by his concern — Don't joke. — he asked, snickering a bit but trying not to. — You're gonna get sick, you need to take it off.

— I d-don't think I can do it h-here. — she declared, as — I j-just-st need t-to warm up.

Ian nodded and without saying anything started the car, not waiting any longer to take her home and help her. As he drove he thought if she would rather go to her own place. He knew she lived with her mother, or maybe she lived with her brother and her mother, but, whatever the situation was, she had said she wanted to slow down on their relationship so he thought meeting her family would be the opposite of that, and he wouldn't just leave her there, he wanted to make sure she was fine. And, on a more selfish note, he didn't want her to leave just yet, he wanted to end the date on a bright note. If she wanted to go to her place afterward he would take her, but he really wanted to see her be okay at room temperature without having to concern himself on whether or not he had stepped over the line or rushed things by incidentally meeting her mom.

As soon as they arrived at his place, he fetched her some sweatpants, a shirt, some warm socks, and a hoodie he had in the back of his closet, and grabbed a towel on the way back. When he got to her, she wasn't shivering as much. He helped get rid of the coats and, once faced with the dress, he hesitated on what to do. He looked at her but couldn't see much more than the side of her face since he was standing behind her. — Umh. — he mumbled, unable to make up the right question to ask.

— Jus-st t-take it off.

To her command Ian unhooked the zipper and slowly got the sleeves off of her shoulders, he moved to stand in front of her as she slowly raised her arms. He understood how she took off the dress and, as she finished raising her arms, he grabbed the shoulders of her dress and lifted it up. He saw her wiggle a little bit to help the dress move off of her and then she was free of it, standing in his living room in just her underwear, still shivering, visibly cold, hugging herself with her arms to keep warm and maybe some decency. Still, he couldn't help but to look, seeing the tantalizing black bra with the matching black knickers. There wasn't a lot Ian knew about fabrics but he was almost sure that that bra had what he had learned to know as lace. A thin layer of almost transparent fabric that had a few delicate patterns in it covered the top of her soft breasts as the rest of the black fabric hid them from his view. He had managed not to stare all night but right then he was failing and he was sure he couldn't be blamed.

— Ian.

— Sorry. — he hurriedly said as he gave her the towel and shirt, keeping the damp dress on his arm and immediately stepping away from her, trying to give her some space.

Alex held the towel to her chest and started to softly dry herself as he went to the thermostat to warm up the environment a bit. Once he turned around, he saw Alex again, this time from the back, seeing her figure now hidden under his shirt, seeing the fabric fall limp, almost no indication of her body being under it up until it reached her hips where it kindly lingered on her ass, and the fabric stopping just a bit past it, letting him see the very top of her thighs but not much more. He hurried back once he remembered he still had the sweatpants, hoodie, and socks with him and she was going to seriously catch a cold or something if she didn’t warm up. He gave her the sweatpants, even if seeing her in just his shirt was a dream, left the flops on the ground close to her, the hoodie on the kitchen table, and went to hang the dress by the window so it would be dry by the morning after when the sun would hit it in the morning.

Alex, already dressed, moved to the couch and covered herself with the blanket that was laying there. — I’ll make you a cup of tea. — Ian let her know as he moved to the kitchen. She thanked him as she continued to huddle over herself on the couch. As he made the tea, he saw how the shivering slowly died down and her body relaxed a bit. He walked to her, tea in hand. — Here you go. — he said as he gave her the cup.

— Thanks. — she softly replied, turning to sit comfortably on the couch before taking the cup in her hands. Ian sat next to her but gave her enough distance to let her sit comfortably. He watched for a bit as she drank the warm beverage. Slowly, his eyes turned to the tv, looking at the black screen as he drank his own. — Should we watch something as you warm up?

— Sure. — she nodded — What you've got?

— I can check. — he said as he stood up and walked to the tv, checking under the tv table for the small collection of films — What do you feel like watching?

— I don't know. Something entertaining. — Ian panicked a little at those words, scanning the movies and wondering what could be entertaining to her. Upon the silence and his incessant gaze on his movies, Alex spoke again — A comedy maybe?

He took a movie and looked at her as he offered it — I've got Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

— Sure. — she shrugged a little as she agreed to it — I've never seen it.

Ian did a double take to those words. — How are you a part of the film nerds club, then?

— AV Club. — Alex corrected with a playful roll of her eye.

— Whatever it's called, they should revoke your membership immediately.

— Yeah, yeah. — she teasingly brushed him off — Put the movie on.

He shook his head and got the DVD out of the box — I'm telling Abed on Monday, we'll see if he's still your friend afterward. — he jokingly threatened.

— If he could survive me not seeing Fight Club, I'm sure he’ll survive this.

Ian turned to look at her, the same unbelieving expression as before — You haven't seen Fight Club?

— I have now. — she rolled her eyes, faking a small annoyance — Just put the movie on or I'll freeze waiting again. — Ian shook his head as he put the movie on and grabbed the remote. He turned to her with a small smile as he walked to her.

— You know that wasn't my fault, right?

Alex smiled with a shrug as she settled to sit next to him — Yeah, — she nodded — but I'm not gonna let you live it down.

As they settled in to watch the movie Alex brought her feet back up on the couch and leaned in against his shoulder. He felt himself stiffen at the touch but the minute the movie started playing and she started laughing he relaxed. He started laughing with her, having to pause the movie for a moment when Alex's stomach started hurting from laughing too much.
He gladly let her rest on his shoulder as they watched the movie, finding himself waiting for the next joke to send her into a fit of laughter that might make him press pause so she wouldn't miss a thing. At some point near the end of the film, she started to hold his hand. She wasn't really grabbing it but just laying her hand next to it, fingers gracing his palm as she had grabbed his arm to lightly hug it. By the time the movie was done and the credits started rolling they were lying on the couch side by side, Alex still leaning on his shoulder but somehow leaning further in as the credits continued, face almost buried in his clothes as she watched the t.v. with tired eyes. He could feel her breathing and against his arm feel some warmth radiating from her body, her hand. It's lack had scared him to death less than an hour before but right then it was gently calming him as she traced her fingers along the side of his hand.

— We should go to bed. — Alex spoke a while after the movie had ended, speaking in a hushed tone to keep the soft silence that had made itself reign over that cold night.

— Yeah, we should.

Chapter Text

She was kissing him. Alex was kissing him. It was as simple as that. One of her hands was on his shoulder, almost to his neck, the other one on the right side of his face.

She was kissing and holding him, and he wasn't quite sure what he was doing. His lips were kissing her, he thought, yeah, and his hands were on her, he just couldn't quite know what they were doing. They were moving. Up and down her back, it seemed, bringing her closer to him. He almost couldn't tell, feeling only the places where their bodies met and nothing more. Just her, there, with him.

He could've gone like that forever, his lips on her lips, skin to skin, heartbeat to unsteady heartbeat. A burning touch, restlessness. He wanted more, all of her and nothing at all.

He had enough but his hunger was all the same satiated with whatever food she would give. A single piece of dried fruit, he would have it. A full course meal, he would ravish it. He wasn't a patient man but he would wait for her. He wasn't a religious creature but he would pray for her. He wasn't a good person but he would try, for her.

Arms embracing her like the all-encompassing warmth of a hot fire on a cold winter night, hands caressing her with adoration and care, the way one might hold a fine piece of priceless jewelry. Her lips on him, feverish and passionate, she grabbed his right hand and took it for a loving tour of her body. With a smile, she leaned away to playfully yet fervently say, — No need to be such a fucking gentleman. — as she passed his hand above her thigh, barely touching her skin, and slowly led him inside the sweatpants he had given her. He had never thought the sight of a woman under his clothes would be so tantalizing.

Alex leaned in and bit his lip as his fingers first graced that heaven-sent black lace he had seen mere hours ago. He breathed in at the warm wet feeling of her knickers. No clear thought came to mind as he pressed his hand against her warmth, only a primal instinct that would always linger over him whenever she was around him. There was no hesitation on his side as he grabbed her waist and drew her closer, but there were a thousand thoughts coursing through his head as she took the inertia of his motion and let herself straddle him between her legs. Ian let her, taking the kind position to explore her body, loving the way her hips moved on top of his.

She was going to be the death of him, he was sure of it.

His hands felt up her body inch by inch. He noted how the softness of her legs was different from the one on her ass, and from the one in her stomach, she noted how he could feel her spine upon the lightest touch but could not yet find her ribs unless he put in some pressure. He felt the way her pulse was rapidly beating under her jugular, he wanted to squeeze in a bit, see a reaction, but he didn’t get to, just as he was about to wrap his palm around her collar, she went after his. She bit down, hard. He hissed a little from it, body jerking up at it, hers staying down. He felt her smile against his skin, chuckling a little. He quickly took her hips in his hands and pushed her down as he jerked up, mimicking the movement he had made before but with more precision and a clear objective in mind. She inhaled deeply through her nose, almost moaning a little afterward. He didn't let go, though, steadily forcing her body down towards his. She inhaled, deep, shaky, and breathed out in the same manner, — We should go to the- — she breathed in, quivering at Ian’s movements. He couldn’t help but smirk, — The bedroom.

And so they did. Ian kissed her cheek before picking her up. Making a mental note to himself to try and build actual muscle so he could carry her like that, arms and legs wrapped around him, every day, anywhere.

He softly dropped her on the mattress the moment he reached the bed, her body bouncing as she fell on it. She was smiling, looking up at him until her amusement turned into something slightly darker at the sight of his own lustful glare. She almost stood up to kiss him but he beat her to it, his lips reaching her before she even concluded the thought of standing up. He gently laid her back, and she let him, loving every kiss he gave her as he convinced her to give up control. The bed cricked just a little bit as they laid on it, and, as he stopped kissing her for a moment, she smiled, — Hey. — she almost whispered, an ever-twisting and turning ball of wool growing inside her.

He looked into her eyes, surprised by the worlds inside them, honey-infused chocolate with small, golden treasures hidden in them whenever light would hit just right, — Hey. — he replied, a small chuckle dressing up the air. Ache was not quite the word for it, no, it was like a small continuous tug from the inside of his chest, almost as if his heart were trying to escape it, maybe it had outgrown the cage of his ribs, doubling its size with each warm look she would spare him. He felt as if his lungs were shortly filled with vapor that both suffocated him and made his breathing easier once he let it go.

And so he did, he let his breath softly go as he admired her, eyes traveling up and down her face. She smiled and touched his cheek with the palm of her hand, and he kissed her. He could almost feel himself pouring out all his love for her. He had always been so selfish about it, needing it, hoarding it, afraid of the next drought, but not then, at that moment he could only think of her and how much she deserved it. Even if it meant his soul would end up parched, he would’ve watered her’s, no matter the cost. Still, he did it even more gladly since she would’ve never let him run dry, he knew she would pour out her love in due time, even if right then she could only do it in droplets and splashes.

Slowly, and after he got rid of her shirt and bra, he flooded her body with kisses. Cascading from the valley of her breasts to the bottom of her stomach, watering the planes and lovely lands of her body. She looked on as he did so, hand on his hair, eyes devouring him.

His long fingers hooked themselves on the waistline of her sweatpants and slowly pulled them down. She helped him get her out of them, slowly moving backward on the bed and wiggling herself out of them. He smirked at her half-naked figure, eyes hovering over her tan legs, drifting back and forwards through her attributes up until he found her face. He softly leaned in, — You’re beautiful. — he said. Her smile came without warning and she couldn’t hide the flatter and shyness it provoked in her. His right hand touched her left thigh, gracing its outer side, — Truly. — he said as he leaned in towards her leg to kiss it.

He felt Alex’s stare as he kissed her leg again, and again, and again. Traveling up, closer. He slowly kneeled. The moment his knees reached the carpeted floor he realized two things: he had grown uncomfortable in his pants, and his knees were shaking. As he settled in, lightly sitting on his legs, he gracefully hooked his fingers on the waistline of her knickers, lace softly tickling on his fingers. — You don’t have to. — she said, voice strained in a higher pitch.

— I know. — he replied, looking up towards her, the ghost of a smile lingering on his lips as he leaned in towards her hips. — I want to, though. — he said before kissing her, lips meeting the damp fabric between her legs. She nodded, looking straight into his eyes. Excitement crept into his chest and displayed itself as a smile upon his lips, she seemed so eager.

He felt her tense up a little in the time it took him to take off her panties and return to his original position. He reminded himself to ease into it. He had noted that it seemed to drive her insane when he did it. He slowly touched her inner thigh and couldn’t quite believe it when she shivered at the contact. He let out a breath. It had been a long time since he had last done it, and he hadn’t had quite a lot of practice before. He took a breath and tried to ease himself by starting with kissing her thighs, keeping himself on dry land before jumping into the ocean. He kissed one leg, then the other, then the first one again, following them like that, as two lazy rivers interlinked with each other for a few more pairs of kisses, sweetwater leading him into the salty waves of her pleasure. She had moaned on the first contact, which rose up straight to his head, pride and confidence rising, as well as going down straight to his briefers, making them feel a whole lot tighter.

Before moving forward he placed his glasses above his head, knowing they would eventually get in the way. With that done, he kept kissing, licking, and sucking on her, wanting to hear her moan, whine and sigh, feel her shake beneath the touch of his tongue. As he got her whispering his name, an idea came to mind and his fingers reached her skin. With little to no rush, he guided them through her left leg, rising through her soft skin, making her shiver as they inched closer to where his mouth was. Ian hummed in pleasure as he felt her velvet walls around his fingers, and so she moaned. He suddenly felt her hands back on his hair, making his glasses fall onto the floor.

— Shit, — she cursed, sounding soberer than when she was moaning out his name. Ian could feel her torso rising and the grip on his hair loosening. He quickly took his free hand to hold her right leg, keeping it in place as he put more focus on his task and twisted his fingers — did I- — her words were cut short by a moan and the tightening of the grip on his hair. Ian shortly grinned as he heard her slump back into the mattress, still deepening his fingers inside her to have her sink back into the feeling, — S-sorry. — she hazily let out as she squirmed around herself.

He quickly detached his mouth from her just to rushedly say, — Don’t worry about it. — before diving back into her.

He did everything he knew he should do, he followed every moan she gave him, every hazily spoken Yes's and God’s, up until her voice went strained as her body tensed up around his fingers, and then eased down with a quiet yet constant whimper of pleasure. He couldn't control his hips as they bucked forwards, following the tantalizing rhythm of her soft whimpers. Still, he kept pumping her fingers in and out of her, well past her last hum of hazy approval. He kept eating her out with patience and care, even if his hand and tongue were cramping as he did. — Ian, — she called, voice weary — Ian, please, just- — he curled his fingers inside her and she stopped talking to take a sharp breath. He detached his mouth from her and unhurriedly slid his tongue through her folds as he slowly got himself ready to stand. He quickly located his glasses and got up from his knees, using the hand that was on her leg to get himself upright.

He managed to get a better look at her body once he was wearing his glasses and standing in front of her, legs no longer trembling with anxiety, only a bit sore on the knees. He got rid of his pants and briefers, his dick twitching at the release and the sight of her lying in his bed. The sight of her graceful curves completely displayed above his bed was a hard one to believe. She was lying there, so willing, so disposed and trustful, looking at him as she raised herself off her back, covering herself by closing her legs and raising an arm to her chest. She smiled at him as she finally sat herself up. He was struck by the smile. It was so relaxed, so sweet and gentle, he couldn’t help but lean down towards it, taking the right side of her face as he kissed him. He noted that her smile did not waver until his lips were on hers, and maybe not even then.

Their lips stayed connected as they both settled into a new position, slowly crawling back towards the headboard. Once his feet were off the ground and he felt they were in the right place he stopped moving and started to lean down on her, having her lay on the bed. Alex spread her legs a bit further to have him take his place between them and he kissed her deeper as she did. He wondered if she could taste herself on his tongue and his cock twitched at the thought. He slowly got himself closer to her until he felt her slick entrance against his most sensitive skin. Alex quickly hummed at the contact, her hands reaching for the sides of his torso, bringing him closer to him, nails lightly scratching his skin.

He instinctively took his shaft in his hand, rubbing at it a couple of times with his hand even if he was beyond hard. He slowly got the tip between her foldings and he let go of her lips to quiet down a moan. He leaned his head near her neck. — Fuck. — he grunted as he both teased her and edged himself on, slightly pushing into her. He felt his brain shortcircuit as the sound of Alex gasping and the feeling of slowly burring himself around her tight, silky, warm walls took over him.

— Wait. Ian. Fuck — she called, out of breath but clearheaded enough, and so he stopped moving and hummed questioningly, unable to actually speak — Condom. — right. Shit. He was disappointed to say the least, he had forgotten all about that latex wrapper. And with the way her warm, slick walls felt against him he wanted the dammed thing to not exist altogether. He stayed inside her for a moment, lamenting that he would have to put a thin yet noticeable wall between heaven and himself. — Ian.

He could’ve said that he was all out of those and gambled on the fact that she was horny enough to go without one, but he couldn’t actually do that to her. — Yeah. — he nodded as he pulled out of her, cold air greeting him harshly.

He leaned towards his bedside table and got one out. She looked at him as he was ripping the package, and once he put it on she said — Just so you know, I hate it, too. — he looked at her with some surprise. — You feel so fucking good but-

He could’ve choked at her words but he managed to focus and nod at the words left unsaid, — I know.

She slowly sat up and touched the left side of his waist, getting closer to him as she did — Maybe, some other time, we could manage without. — she had never sounded so titillating to him, stirring all of his desires. To feel her fully, once again, was a provoking idea.

She started to lure him downwards with a tug of her hands. He kissed her and guided himself back to her entrance, feeling a bit less than before but the way she was kissing and flushing her body against him made up for some of it.

She gasped as soon as he was inside her, letting go of his lips and making some soft, sweet, and tiny noises in his ear. He could hear every change in her breathing, every little whimper, and he loved it. — Fuck — she whispered after a beat, as he started to speed up. She was already starting to pant, talking in between her breaths, — Fuck, Ian, just like that.

A part of him wondered if she was making a bigger show of it since he had been disappointed about the protection but he pushed those worries aside, trying to get out of his head and into the moment.

He felt her right hand take its place on the back of his head. She was running her fingers through his hair before going over his upper back and shoulders, her hands so soft and light on him. She started to pepper in some kisses against his neck and he focused on the way he felt inside her, how tight and warm she felt. He wanted to scoff at himself, she felt amazing either way, and he could count himself lucky just by being able to hear her like that.

Trying to get in a better position and do a more thorough and satisfying job, for both of them, he raised her right leg up to get it as out the way as possible. The result was a drowned moan in her throat before she exhaled a choked breath. She struggled not to moan as he rammed down into her. She kept her eyes on him as long as she could but they quickly dragged up and closed down at the feeling. Ian was enthralled by her expression, lips caught between her teeth as her almost closed eyes showed mostly white. He couldn't find the word for it, but it did something to him, to see her like that. A thin line of sweat forming at the base of her hairline, ragged breaths escaping her lips every few seconds up until a soft moan slipped trough her mouth and something clicked inside Ian. He leaned in, closing his eyes and moving faster against her.

After a few moments, as he was getting more carried away by the feeling and the sound of her short and choked moans, she held his forearm with her hand and squeezed, — Wait, wait. Cramp. — Alex called and he put his movements to a halt as he felt her straighten her leg, and pulled out of her as she sat up and accommodated her leg to rub it.

— All good? — he asked.

Alex stretched her leg, hand pressing down on her hip — Yeah, better now. — she replied before looking up at him.

He relaxed — I think we’re straining your body a bit much tonight. — she chuckled a bit with him and he ended up smiling at the sight, enchanted. She was there, gorgeous, naked, with light sweat adorning her skin, laughing at some stupid shit he had said. Winger was right; he couldn’t lose her, for his sanity's sake.

Swiftly, he got closer to her and she looked back up at him, a smile still lingering on her lips. He drew her in, kissing her as softly yet passionately as he could. He wanted to tell her how he adored her, as well as remind her of how achingly hard he was and how hot she looked.

He leaned back with her until she was laying on the couch and he was at her entrance. He straightened up, raising her hips to match his height as he accommodated himself in a kneeling position. He buried himself inside her as quickly as he could, missing the warm and homely feeling of her inner muscles tightening around him, hearing her gasp as he did. He tried to recover his previous rhythm and soon enough she started moaning a bit louder than before. He looked at her for a moment, her brow lightly frowned, head slightly turned upwards as her curls sprayed around her like a dark wavy halo. He held onto her waist and noted the way her back was arched, liking how she fitted between his hands. He noted how her tits bounced with each thrust, persuading him to ram into her harder and faster, making her moan out his name like a prayer and hold onto his sheets.

He looked at her face again, brow furrowed eyes closed and mouth mildly agape as she softly moaned out. He wanted that heavenly image burned in the back of his mind. He pushed deeper, grunting as he did and he saw her mouth open wider for a moment before she closed it and hummed her moan. He pushed halfway out and thrust in again, he wanted to see those lips part once more, wanted to hear her tired vocal cords give out the sound of angels. She didn't do it, biting her lip instead, whining a little, and even if that sight was just as beautiful it wouldn't cut it, he needed to see her mouth agape as she moaned, for his own sanity. He went again and again and again. Harder, deeper, and faster in between, the request lingering on his tongue. Would it come out as a command or a plea? He didn't know. And he didn't get to find out. Soon enough she opened her mouth as a loud and needy moan escaped her. And it could've easily thrown him off the edge, the look, the sound, the feeling, her body, as close as it could be, but her voice stopped him.

— Ian. — she called. He replied with a look, a hum, and a few swift thrusts. She got lost in his actions for a moment before she fought her eyes open. — Kiss me. — she asked.

He quickly dipped down and brought her up, kneeling on the bed and holding her against his lap as he kissed her, the movements of his body becoming more erratic the moment she kissed back.

Without realizing it, he started kissing away from her lips, following a trail towards her neck by mere instinct. He held her as she got her legs in a better position, moving some of her weight off of his legs, helping herself move against him. He kept diving inside her, the feeling of her body completely against his, of his cock being inside her to the hilt, of her sloppy kisses over his skin, all too good to be able to think of anything else. That was until a sharp pain invaded both legs in a way he couldn't quite describe.

— Shit, wait. — he said before dropping both of them down back onto the couch. They fell on the bed with a soft thud and he quickly realized what he had done — Fuck. Sorry. — he said, propping himself up to look at her before he heard her laugh. He laughed with her for a moment. — You okay? — he asked, eyes tracing her face, still chuckling.

She looked at him, sweetness oozing out of her cheerful look. — Yeah. Are you? — she asked as she hooked her arms around his neck, smile lingering.

— Just dandy. — he replied and she shortly chuckled as she stared with that soft, warm look.

She rose up and kissed him very slowly, he followed the cue. His hands started roaming her body, tracing from her hips to her chest and back on her waist; over her cheek, behind her head, and down to her neck. He started to move inside her again, flushed chest against flushed chest. She moved her legs to his convenience and to her comfort, leaving him plenty of room to move on and no cramping on her leg.

He grunted the moment Alex's hands traced down from the back of his head to the beginning of his middle back, fingernails tracing sharply along his skin. He pushed deeper and bit her shoulder, she jumped a little in place but quickly flushed her body against his, helping him tighten his grip on her waist as he was no longer just holding her with his hands but surrounding her with his arms. He felt her mouth agape right next to his ear, her breath quivering as she tried to meet his movements, moaning when she wasn’t trying to either suck or bite on his earlobe or neck and whimpering when she managed to catch his skin.

She started kissing up to his shoulder, then his neck, slowly tracing her way to his jaw, hands quickly rising from his back to his shoulders, all while small and beautiful sounds escaped her. On an instinct, he readjusted his position and she moaned out louder the moment he did, moving and letting him hold her tighter, — God, like that. — she pleaded, almost in his ear, coaxing him to go faster. She sloppily kissed her way to his jaw and suppressed a moan on her way there. — Fuck. — she hissed, — Right there, Ian. Fuck!

That was all it took, her voice worn and choked out like that, her core so tight on him, her touch so soft, her lips so close. His adrenaline kicked in with it. He pounded at her, fast. Soon she was a stuttering, whimpering mess and he was grunting at every sensation, trying so very hard to not lose his grip on her, to keep up his speed and make her come on him since he wasn’t sure how much longer he would last with a view, feel, and sound like that. Adrenaline coursed through his veins as he chased his release and hers, wanting to feel her walls clench around him again. He wanted to feel her completely. Wanted to have her moan out his name again. He wanted her to get lost in him as he knew he would do on her. And so she did. And something took over him as he told her to say his name and she did, softly moaning it in a hoarse voice that made it sound like he had fucked her beyond her limits. Something clicked on him that had her moaning once again with nonsensical noises as he chased his high and found it.

He saw white for a moment. A pure white pleasure that slowly faded just as her breathing and her moaning calmed down. And so did he. His heart was thudding against his ribcage and he thought it might have burst through it to settle down next to hers.

He rose a little bit, kissing right next to her ear, trying to see her tired face before he realized he had to pull out of her and get rid of the condom. And before he did that last part, he teased her sensitive clit with the tip of his latex-wrapped dick, just like he had done before. She let in a shaky breath as he did and let out a shaky breath as he pulled away. — Don’t tease me. — she half-consciously pleaded, eyes still closed, head turning a bit to the side as she tried to face him as he stood up. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight. Pleased and spent, all by his own doing.

— Alright, no teasing. — he said as he got the covers off of the bed. He would have to wash it in the morning, but right then they needed sleep — C'mon, let's get you inside the bed.

— Can I have the shirt back? — he looked at her, eyelid heavy as she sat up on the bed and tried to get the covers off the mattress without having to stand up.

— Sure, just get in bed. — he said as he walked around to the comforter, grabbing his briefers and putting them on on the way there. He grabbed the shirt he had lent her, grabbing her knickers and a shirt for him.

Alex was getting under the bedsheets, trying very hard to do so while not leaving the bed, his eyes roamed her body as he moved to his side of the bed. Leaving the scenery of her naked body against his sheets to his disposal for just half a minute longer as he sat next to her in bed — Here. — he said as he passed the clothing to her. She put the shirt on, as did he, and, as she put her underwear back on, he laid on the bed.

She pulled her hair out of her face, leaving most of it on her right. Softly she leaned back and he watched her as she sleepily moved around the bed to end up next to him, looking at his face. He slowly covered them both under the sheets, blankets, and comforter. She stared for a few seconds more, perplexing him as he stared back. A minute smile graced her features and he relaxed. Slowly she moved towards him to lay on his chest and he moved in sync, laying on his back and wrapping his right arm around her. She laid between his shoulder and his chest, facing her body as her side rested on the bed. He felt a soft kiss through his shirt before she sighted and relaxed on him. For a few seconds, he stayed frozen, brain trying to understand the weight of her head just a few inches away from where his heart beat so fast, trying to understand when had his luck changed so drastically that that scene was something feasible. But, before he could manage to understand how his life had changed so radically, to understand that he didn’t feel a constant lack anymore, that he could feel her touch trace along the side of his torso and her hot skin under his fingertips; before he could feel any of those things as real, his eyelids fought him to close and the calming heaviness of sleep reached him.

Chapter Text

Her phone rang through Ian's apartment and Alex frowned as she felt something move and shake her lightly, making her aware of the familiar ringtone that reached her ears. — Hey. — he heard Ian's soft, raspy morning voice. She turned to it. — I’m sorry; it’s your phone. — she nodded as she sat up, eyes still closed. — Alex? — he asked and she nodded, trying really hard to wake up.

She finally opened her eyes a bit and looked at Ian who was standing and walking around the bed. — Where did I leave it? — Ian smiled lightly, fairly amused by her confusion and the dire state of her hair and makeup.

— In the sitting room. I’ll go get it. — Alex watched him go as she nodded, not quite focused on anything.

— Thank you. — she mumbled as the information settled in her tired mind. She slowly stood up, putting on the pants Ian had given her the night before, making sure to grab the slippers. As she stood up she realized she felt fine, the strenuous weather misshapen of the night before leaving her with nothing more than some sensitive fingertips and cheeks, and a few sore muscles, though that might have had something to do with what they had done later that night. Just as she walked past the door and Ian started walking towards it, the phone stopped ringing. — Who was it?

Ian shrugged as he passed the phone to her, — I couldn't catch it.

— Thanks. — she replied as she looked for the missed call. — It was my mom, Imma call her back. — she said as she pointed towards the door of his bedroom, letting him know that she would make the call there.

Ian nodded — Alright. — he said. — I’m going to make myself a cuppa. Do you want one?

Alex stopped and smiled mischievously, she saw in Ian’s good-humored annoyance that he knew what she was finding so funny. — A cuppa? — she asked, ungracefully and notoriously holding back a giggle.

— Yes, — Ian challenged. — a cuppa.

— Alright, mate. — she laughed out in a fake British accent that was completely unconvincing. Ian watched her as she laughed, crossing his arms even if he was amused.

— I’m going to make you a tea as terrible as that accent. — he punctually said as he walked away with a barely disguised smile.

— Oh, cheer up, you old bugger.

He looked at her, amusement gleaming in his eyes — I'm pretty sure you don't know what that word actually means.

She stopped for a second realizing she didn't know, not really. She knew it was some kind of insult and it could probably, as any other insult, be used playfully. She laughed a bit more as she shook her head, letting him know he was right, she didn't know. He smiled and went on with making the tea, still visibly amused. Alex lingered on the sight for a bit. Him, in a shirt and joggers, making tea by the counter as the late morning sun came in from the window. It was a sight she could get used to and maybe she already had.

— Actually, — Alex said, getting Ian's attention back — Do you mind if I grab a smoke on the balcony?

Ian shook his head — Not at all. — she gave half a nod as she lit up a bit, walking towards the piano, where her purse was laid on top. — Just- — he stopped her — Wear a coat. — he requested, playfully but meaning it all the same. She silently chuckled and agreed to it, looking for a sweater in his bedroom like he told her to.

His wardrobe was quite a sight, vest, sweater and sweater vest, button-ups, and ties, all with enough patterns to drive any sane person mad, but all between a moderate palette of brown to blue with an occasional pop of color in between. She went through some of the sweaters looking for one to wear but also taking pleasure in seeing something so personal of his. She finally found a brown and gray argyle sweater to match the other bits of his wardrobe he had lent her. It was the softest he had, and it smelled just like he usually did.

As she put it on she took one last sniff of his perfume in the cuffs. She realized it wasn’t his perfume but the fabric softener he must probably use. She smiled at the smell anyway, it was a bit flowery but it still reminded her of him. She was sure to steal it for the week at least. She walked out of the bedroom and felt Ian’s eyes on her as she walked to her cigarettes out of her purse and went outside. 

Once outside, she stretched her arm to get her hand out of the surplus of fabric she had on the sleeves, all this to grab a cigarette and then repeat the action to light it up. She took a couple of drags as she looked around. Ian's apartment was on the first floor so he didn't have much of an aerial view, from that balcony one could mostly see the top of the trees that were on the streets. She leaned into the railing and looked down seeing a few people walk by on the sidewalk. She realized he lived in a nice neighborhood. It wasn't full-on suburbs; the streets were straight and there were a couple of small apartment buildings like his but there were few run-down buildings or distasteful stores along the street.

As she took a fourth drag she remembered she had to return her mom's call. She grabbed her phone from the sweatpants' pockets and dialed her.

After a few rings, her mother picked up — Ale?

— Hola, ma. (hello, mom)

— ¿Pasó algo? (did something happen?)

— ¿No?

— Ah.

Alex took a breath and pressed her eyes shut for a second. She licked her own teeth as she prepared herself to talk. — I'm calling back. I didn't get to pick up when you called. — she heard her mother make a small humming noise but said nothing. Alex took another breath. — So I called to know why you called.

— Well. I wanted to know if you were coming for lunch since Sarah's parents are stopping by-

— What?

— Jessica, Isaac, and I think Nick, too.

Alex sighed, almost rolling her eyes at her, — Yeah, mom, I know who Sarah's family is. 

She stopped for a second, she felt angered but saying Sarah's name stopped all of her emotions in their tracks. She hadn't said her name in so long. She had talked, thought, and cried about her but she hadn't uttered her name in years. Alex wouldn't usually bring her up, much less by name. But now she had said it, annoyed and somewhat angry, with a bit of spite to it. It hurt, somehow, to say it like that, to even say it at all.

Alex looked down at her feet. She hadn't talked for a while but her mother hadn't made a sound. She was calmer now, however upset she felt inside, she wasn't angry anymore, — I'm just asking why you didn't tell me.

— I did.

— You didn't. I think I'd remember if you told me Sarah's family was coming over. — she said, a bit angrier, somehow misusing her name again. She sighed. — If I knew I wouldn't have- — she cut herself, thinking about where she was, who she was with, how she had felt just moments before. All in one second it flipped. All the softness of her unexpected new beginning suddenly felt like treason. Swiftly and in one go that feeling sank into her chest and gut, like the weight of an unkempt promise, tainting her insides. The words she hadn't said cemented that feeling even more.

— I did tell you, Alex. — she let go of her breath at that, no longer wanting to talk to her mother, not even wanting to stand on her feet, feeling the gravity pull at her body towards the floor, and beyond that.

— Look I'll be there around twelve. Alright?

— Okay, I guess I'll cook.

Alex sighed ever so softly, not even having the energy to be angry or annoyed at the passive-aggressive comment, — Bye, mom. — she said before hanging up. 

Her arms rested on the railing as she bowed her head down, looking at the cigarette burn, slowly consuming itself by simply being lit. Her gaze got lost in the smoke for a moment before she took the cigar onto her lips and took a drag. She moved back from the railing and looked at the door. She didn't come in, she decided to just sit on the floor since there was no chair. It was cold but it wasn't wet since it was sheltered by a small plastic roof. She looked on at the sky as she smoked, and she kept looking at the trees as she lit up a second cigar, and as she sat more comfortably and lit up the third, Ian showed up on the door with two cups of tea.

He looked at her on the floor and gave her one of the mugs. She took it and he slowly sat down next to her, to her right, being careful not to spill any tea over either of them. He didn't say a word and Alex just wanted to lay her head on his shoulder, hug his arm, have him hold her, anything. She just wanted him. And that was the worst of it all, those desires were making her feel worse, in almost every way.

— Is everything alright?

Alex didn't say a thing for a moment, she couldn't answer that, she didn't know how to begin, how much she wanted to disclose. But most of all, there was nothing he could say to make it all better, and if there was she wasn't sure he would find it.

— Yeah. — she lied. It was for his sake, she assured herself, he wouldn’t want to talk about that, — Something came up with my family so I'll have to go in a bit.

— Did something happen?

— No, just umh- — she hesitated on how to phrase it, trying to find something that would sound inconspicuous. — Some family friends are coming over. — she said, sprinkling in some truth to make it a bit more convincing. His eyes stayed on hers, almost as if he could tell something was up.  — For lunch. — she added and looked away, wondering if he could really tell, if he could just know what was up, maybe that would make things easier, maybe not. Still, for a few moments, she wished he would just know and understand, without having to say anything. That he could just nod, take her in his arms, and kiss the top of her head, giving her just a moment’s rest. 

— You seem a bit too afflicted over lunch. — he said as she blew out the smoke she had just inhaled.

It would be better, she was sure. It’d be so much better If he just knew, magically. If he could know everything about her, her past, her grief, all of it, without even a word being uttered, without any changes. It would sometimes feel as if he did know her, just like that, the way two matching puzzle pieces know each other. He just knew her, and sometimes she just knew him. She just knew how to be around him, and he knew how to make things better, but neither actually knew the other. Not their history, their mistakes, regrets. They knew each other's presence but not a lot about the other's past, and she wasn't sure she wanted him to. But still, he knew her well enough to realize something was up.

She nodded, still unable to look him in the eye. — Yeah. — she sighed as she weighed the idea of telling him once more. Her cigarette was close to finished, the tip still glowing red as it consumed itself with the cold wind of December, — It's complicated. — she concluded, taking a drag of smoke before looking at him.

He looked at her for a second. — I can do complicated.

Alex's mouth turned downwards, he was asking, and she knew right then that she wasn't going to tell him, not at that moment at least. She blew the smoke as she looked down, shaking her head a little. — I'd rather not. — she said, her words sounding like a lament, as if she regretted her sentiment as she said it. 

A pitiful smile adorned her face as she looked at him. He nodded, his body and face a bit stiff as he looked at her.

Alex thanked him after a moment of silence and they stayed outside until their tea cups were empty, the warm liquid keeping them from shivering or feeling too cold. By the time they settled back inside Alex couldn't help but feel a bit guilty; the perfect synchrony in which they had woken up that morning had gone by a mere talk or lack thereof. Alex's eyes were glued to the back of his head as he washed the mugs. She wanted to know how to turn their situation back around, she wanted their ease back. She hadn't told him about Sarah for so many reasons but one of them was to not change them, their relationship. She feared a change in his demeanor, in his treatment. She feared his pity, feared becoming a sad story he heard and not just her, not just Alex, the girl he was with, the girl that had such fondness for him.

Alex took a few steps towards him, seeing him leave the cup to dry. — I was thinking. — she said, extending each syllable more than usual. — Maybe we could have another cuppa before I go? — she tentatively said, trying to recover the ease.

Ian turned to her, drying his hands on a tablecloth, frowning a bit before he said. — You could've told me that before I finished rinsing them. — he complained with a smile.

— I could have, — she shrugged, amusement and mischievousness making their way to her voice. — but I like to see you wasting your time.

He nodded off with a smirk, entertained by their back and forward, glad they were having their early easiness back. — Good to know. — he smiled off, turning to turn on the fire for the kettle.

Ian was an easy person to read for her, he didn't hide his reactions most times, and it would let her rest assured that her company was welcomed because she would know if it were otherwise. She liked that, it made her rest easy around him. As they drank the tea Alex relaxed, it felt like them again. Banter and sweet mockery going back and forward as the common currency of affection. It was easy once more and Alex cherished that. She knew what she had when it came to them, she didn’t need to lose it to see it.

Soon after the second tea, it was time for Alex to go. She changed back into her clothes and Ian changed out of his pajamas so he could drive her home.

The drive to her place was quiet and just slightly uncomfortable. Ian could see her hands fidgeting on her clothes, Alex had no doubt that he could see it, but they didn’t talk about it, she said she would rather not do complicated, and Ian wasn’t going to ask for more than she was willing to give. In a way, Alex was grateful that he didn’t push for more information, knowing she wouldn’t be able to handle the reunion lunch after revisiting her history with Sarah. She wasn’t even sure if she would be able to handle the reunion, period. She felt she wouldn’t be able to make it through the chatting before the meal, let alone through coffee and flan.

However, deep inside, she longed for him to ask just one more time, asking the almost impossible, hoping he would somehow see through all the concerns and fears to see a clear need to let it out, deep inside her, so deep inside that she wouldn’t let herself admit it past a quiet plea in the back of her mind that begged: “Please, ask once more”. But, at last, for better or worse, he didn’t. Ian took her home without mentioning another word about her dire sentimental state, just like she asked, but against all she really wanted. It was unusual for her, to say she wanted something she didn’t want, she felt childish, but it was what she actually felt, she didn’t want to talk about it but she needed to. 

Still, she kept quiet and said goodbye with a slow word, a sweet look, and a quick kiss. She was out of the car and in the house less than a minute after. She pretended not to see her entire family and the dining guests looking through the window to where she was being dropped off.

— Alex! — she was excitedly welcomed by Sarah’s mother. She was a nice woman that always gave long and loving hugs. She was wearing a pink beige sweater with black pants and a wide smile. It was weird seeing her like that, smiling and groomed. Lively. The last time Alex had seen her, she was crying inconsolably, in a black dress that had gotten dirty as she fell down on the grass. Of course, she had gone back to Sarah’s house a few times afterward, but she had never bumped into her again, not even when they sold the house. She figured it was hard for Jessica to see her, she would probably remind her too much of Sarah. She knew the same happened to her. — You’re all grown up! — Jessica chimed as she grabbed her shoulders and took a look at her, a bit of sadness getting through her eyes and words as she did.

— Yeah, thanks. — Alex awkwardly said, still in Jessica's loving yet slightly smothering grip. As soon as the older woman let her go, she was met by the wide and loving smile of Isaac. — Hi. — she said as he came in to hug her for a little bit as well.

— It’s been a long time, kid. — Alex smiled with a chuckle at this. Issac was an extremely proper man, not a hair out of place, not a word misspoken, yet he still was easygoing and nice to everyone, no matter how improper. Actually, in Alex’s, Sarah’s, and her brother -Nick- case, he was rather amused by a certain amount of improper behavior. It wasn’t weird seeing Isaac alright, or at least not actively crying. She had seen him many times after Sarah’s funeral. Isaac let her stay in her bedroom most days, just letting her be in there, whether she was crying, sleeping, or hiding out, he let her stay there. And some days he would tell her to watch TV with him, to help him out with some chores, especially after Nick and Jessica moved when Nick’s first semester started. He was left alone as he waited for his job to grant him that transfer before they would sell the house. Isaac didn’t like the idea, he had said to Ale, but he loved his kid and wife too much to live in another state. He would just have to get used to a two-bedroom apartment, he had said, one without memories of her daughter for his wife to cry to.

— Now, Honey, who was that fellow that dropped you off? — Jessica animatedly asked, a knowing smile on her lips. — Was that the guy your mother was telling us about?

Alex smiled, partly uncomfortable part embarrassed. — I guess he is. — she hesitantly replied, a sense of panic ran through her and made its way to her face and voice, even against her best attempts to disguise it.

— Why didn’t you invite him for lunch? — she asked, unwavering enthusiasm in the face of Alex’s awkward reclutancy — It would’ve been lovely to meet him.

— No, I-

— Mom, let the poor woman be. — a younger voice interrupted. Alex caught sight of the owner of that voice, seeing the face of her old high school friend, Nick. She almost laughed at the sight. The twenty-nine-year-old Nick looked more like his father than he had ever before, even if he dressed almost nothing like him. Just like his dad, Nick had a full set of curly hair that was slowly but clearly graying, and, unlike his father, he was wearing a more informal look, with jeans and a dark buttoned-up shirt instead of dress pants and a brown embroidered sweater. — Hey, Alex. — he said with a warm smile. In Alex's mind, her first impulse was to softly punch him in the arm, like she used to do, but she didn't do it. No, they weren't kids anymore, she had to greet him with more decency than that. So, before she even realized it, she was hugging him. She almost felt like crying, it felt like hugging her old childhood blanket. It felt safe and warm, and she had missed it so goddamn much. Still, she couldn’t help but think the last time they hugged was- 

God, she thought, this day was a fucking minefield and there didn't seem to be any safe ground.

— Hey. — she said as they both let go of the hug, smiling at him as she recovered from the rollercoaster that had been that hug. — How- how are you? How’ve you been?

Nick shrugged with a sheepish yet content — Not bad. — Alex looked at him in awe. Seeing how he was… ok. After it all, he was okay.

Alex chuckled at his unassuming response. — Yeah, not bad, Mr. Lawyerman. — she joked with a sisterly mock, a playful accusation, and he laughed it off, — You think my mom lets me forget that? It’s how she greets me ever since you graduated.

— Alejandra. — her mother quietly reproached as she came from the kitchen, just catching that last exchange by coincidence. Alex didn’t pay mind to it, knowing it was her mom’s weird internal competition for best mother against Jessica. Always having a mild complex against the parenting of the white, slightly wealthier, younger mother. She also had a small resentment with the small insensibilities she had displayed more than once, calling their food exotic and spicy, calling her brave and an example of a hard-working immigrant in a way that it felt just a bit condescending, whether or not Jessica meant to. Alma quickly changed her demeanor as she stopped just by the outskirts of the group. — Food’s ready. — she said, smiling as she did.

They all moved to the table as Franco set the meatloaf on it, leaving the meat in the middle. In a heartbeat Eric was in front of her tightly hugging her waist with so much strength it surprised her. — Alex! 

— Hey, kid! — she huffed off in the first impact, ruffling his hair for a second before he shrieked away laughing, — You washed your hands? — the kid looked at her with a pout, huffed in annoyance, and ran off to the bathroom. Alex laughed at his reaction as she went to help her brother with the accompanying plates, giving him a quick hello and taking the salad and the dressing to the table as he took the plate with baked potatoes, sweet potatoes, and peppers that seemed to be a bit bland for the house’s usual taste. Alex smiled in amusement, looking at Fran as they took the meal to the table, knowing he had thought the same and being proved right as they both silently giggled about it, Alma had chosen the whitest meal on their menu and took away almost all species off of it.

— This looks delicious! — Jessica chimed as they put the plates down on the table. Alex saw her mother smile with smug satisfaction before thanking her. Franco sat down by her mother’s right side, on the first chair of their side of the table, right across from Jessica and leaving Eric to his side, so Alex sat on the spot next to her nephew and opposite to Nick, sparing him with a smile as she sat down. As they all served their plates Jessica looked at her with a smile, — So, Alex, this guy you’re seeing..?

Alex looked up in a mild panic that slightly dissipated as Nick intervened with an amused smile.  — Mom, you haven’t seen her in years, you can ask about something else. — lifesaver, just as when they were kids.

— Well, I’m just curious! — his mother replied and then looked at Alex. She already knew there was no way out of it, — You never really had any boys hanging around back then, — she said, leaning in a bit, shrugging softly as she spoke, — I just want to know what’s so special about this fellow.

— Uh- — Alex mumbled, stumbling on her own tongue. What could she say? I just like him because he’s the first person that treated me so kindly in so long. Because he’s messed up enough that it makes me feel safe with him but is not so much more messed up than me so it makes me feel cared for. He’s the sweetest man I know. He’s so different from me but we’re the same. He knows me even if he doesn’t know my past, and maybe knows me better because of it.  No. She couldn’t really say that. — Well- It’s kind of new. We were just friends up until a few weeks ago.

— Oh, that’s so sweet! — Alex smiled and accidentally thought back to the moment when that line of friends was blurred, not so sweet really. — What’s his name? Where did you meet him?

She felt her pulse rise, the next question on the list would probably be “What does he do?” She wasn't ashamed of their relationship or the fact he was her professor but she was aware of what reaction that would bring out of her mother. She had to choose whether, to tell the truth, or see how to avoid it. — I met him on campus. — she said, hesitating a bit, her mind racing between her choices. An idea popped into her head, a distraction. — His name’s Ian, he’s British-

— Wait, — Fran quickly said, hands stopped mid-motion, leaving the fork just inches above his plate, eyebrows furrowed — Fucking British? — Alex tried not to smile as he took the bait, it was especially hard since her nephew was covering his mouth in shock as his father had said a bad word and Nick giggled at it.

— Franco. — hushed their mother, as if he wasn’t a forty-four-year-old man with a child and a mortgage. Franco didn’t get to reply, Jessica's confusion taking front and center stage in the scene.

— What's wrong with the British?

A more notable laugh erupted out of Nick before he drowned it under his hand. Alex looked at him with an amused smile as did his father, Franco would’ve too if he weren’t just staring at Alex as if she were a puzzle he could not solve, — Why? — he demanded.

Alex furrowed at the bluntness of the question — What? — she asked, acting disoriented as if that reaction wasn’t the plan. 

— There was a conflict between Argentina and Britain back in ‘82. — Nick quietly explained to her mother, trying not to interfere in the family conflict unfolding in front of them

Franco looked at her as if all his patience had leaked out of him, — ¿Qué “what”, Ale? ¿Un britanico? — Alex huffed off a breath, almost as a reflex, bothered by the expected results of her own tactics. She understood, but she did often forget that he was alive when it happened, conscious of it, with a few friends that had been drafted, too. For him it wasn’t history, a cautionary tale, it was part of his life, — Sabes lo que hicieron.

— Over what? — Sarah asked, yet again in a hushed tone.

Alex slumped her shoulders, her distraction being more of a problem than he thought. Did she expect a more amiable confrontation? Yes, and perhaps that was a bit dumb of her. Still, she stated as a matter of factly — Sí, pero- no es culpa suya-

— Franco, Ale, lo hablamos después. — Her mother ordered as Franco twisted his face as if she was being completely foolish and unreasonable.

Isaac leaned in towards his wife and answered, — Over the Falklands islands.

— Malvinas. — all three Acosta corrected, finally acknowledging the second conversation going on beside them. Franco doing so sternly, Alma sounding more gentle but quite firm, and Alex in a more careless way, like a reflex.

Isaac gave a tight smile, — Right. — he politely said — My apologies.

— It's alright. — Alma said, glancing sternly at her children before looking back at their guests, — Let's just eat.

Chapter Text

Alex couldn't quite understand the show unfolding in front of her. As she stood by the piano, where Ian played some tunes, she looked as Abed and his friend sang, quite nicely in tone but just gibberish in lyrics. She couldn't quite understand as they all did it with straight faces and actual mid-tier choreography that they all seemed to know. As the grand finale of the made-up song came and they all sang on a few different notes at the same time as Ian laid down his fingers on the final notes and it all came to a soft and harmonic end.

— So what do you think? — Abed asked as he stood second to the right in the arrow formation, Annie being the head followed by Troy to her left, Britta behind him, and Jeff following behind. Shirley stood next to Abed while Pierce stood behind her a bit out of place, all still smiling and with arms still stretched out in place.

Alex wasn't sure what to say, — It's… good. — she hesitated, voice pitched higher than usual with a small yet stiff smile on her lips, clearly unconvinced.

Pierce huffed, letting his arms fall on his legs, — Great, it's garbage. — he said, turning away as they all broke position.

— No, it's not. — she defended, stepping towards the group — I just- why don't you sing, y'know, an actual song?

— The Dean doesn't wanna get sued again.— Ian explained and she turned to see him, being a bit too pleased by how he looked sitting in front of the piano -vest and tie never fitting him quite as much as it did right then-, looking up to her, turned halfway towards the group, which reminded her to turn back and look at them and not stare at him.

— Then why don't you do an old Christmas song? — she suggested with a shrug.

— They won’t let us. It's a seasonal break, not Christmas break. — Annie explained, probably paraphrasing the Dean’s words.

— Call a turkey chicken, it's still a turkey. — Shirley commented almost under her breath but loud enough for everyone to hear.

Annie paid no mind to the comment to say — Besides, this is what other Glee club was planning to do, you know before they… — not saying that one word as Shirley whispered a short prayer, — Mr. Radison even gave us the sheets they got from the wreck.

— Wait what? — Ian said, shocked as he looked at the music sheets he had just taken into his hands.

Abed, paying no mind to Ian’s concerns, asked Alex, — But about the song?

She looked away from Ian to see Abed’s big eyes stare right at her, and simply shrugged — It's good, all things given. — she said, — But the singing is great.

— Great, — Jeff finally spoke, — now that we got a seal of approval out of Duncan's girlfriend, can we go? — in a quick consensus, most of the study group started walking away.

— Ha! You might be the one hooked on pills 'cause there's no way that's happening. — Pierced laughed out, lazily pointing at the space between her and Ian as he wheeled himself to the classroom door, following behind Jeff and Britta, — No way, José. — he said as he looked over his shoulder at Alex, stopping for a moment a few meters from the door — No offense to you or your people, Alex.

Alex's brows furrowed as she slightly crooked her head to the side, — None- taken? — she hesitated to say as Pierce went out the door.

— He thinks José is a slur for Mexicans — Troy explained, looking at them as walked by, placing his backpack on his shoulder.

— I'm not Mexican.

Abed shrugged as he walked next to Troy, he stopped for a second and looked back at them, Troy following suit just a few inches ahead, before asking, — Are you eating with us?

Alex looked back to Ian, checking with him about what he wanted to do. He looked slightly flabbergasted the moment he locked eyes with her, an expectant look on her face as his mind tried to catch up to it all. As soon as his brain let him move past the surprise, he nodded, almost too briefly and lightly, but she saw. — Sure. We’ll be right there.

Abed looked at Ian as he seemed to be analyzing all that had just happened. She turned to see Ian and he seemed to be asking her for some help with his eyes, only looking away from her a few times to look at Abed. She was smiling, maybe with a pinch of a light mockery, just a little bit of amusement as he did he looked a bit like a fool. She looked back at Abed and saw Troy behind her giving her a questioning look, so she shrugged and mouthed a quick “I don’t know”

— Alright. — Abed suddenly said, sounding as he always did, as if he hadn’t been scrutinizing Ian with his eyes mere seconds before. Alex quickly turned his eyes back to him — I’ll save you guys a seat. — He said before turning away and leaving, Troy following suit after giving both of them a quicksand confused glance over.

As they walked out the door Ian seemed to relax, Abed’s all-knowing stare finally leaving him. Alex waved a small “later” to the guys and by the time they were out the door, Ian was close behind her. She smiled as his hand took its place in the small of her back and she felt a faint gust of his breath behind her ear that almost made her shiver.

Alex slowly turned around to look at him. She smiled up at him and he kissed her as soon as she did. A slow kiss on her lips, a gentle and loving hello. A proper greeting she felt they hadn’t had the chance to give each other since Jeffrey’s gang of lovable goofballs were with them as they saw each other for the first time that day. She found it silly for a moment, they had spent most days together since that last Sunday, morning to dusk.

It seemed she had spent more time with him than at her own house that week. She had mostly left his company just to babysit Eric or hang out with Tyra or Abed, maybe someone else if she had any homework to really get done. But, she hadn’t done any of that that week. No, she had just gone to class, grabbed some clothes from home, and returned to Ian’s place. She had been chewed out by her mom a couple of times for it, but she couldn’t just stay home ever since that dinner. Especially with Nick trying to contact her over there.

She had been dogging him every call, she couldn’t face up to him. Not again. She didn’t know how to so she just kept the subject out of her mind

Ian seemed to notice something on her face as she thought of that. She was worried for a second, she had avoided the subject altogether ever since that day. She hadn’t even told him what had transpired that noon, he had barely asked about it. Just an “All good?” the moment she appeared from behind his door. A question she answered with a nod and he didn’t ask again. She felt both thankful and sad about it. Sure, she liked the ease they had, the fact that he wouldn’t push for something that she wouldn’t give, but part of her wondered why he wouldn't push even a little.

— Hey. — he softly spoke as he let go of the kiss, a quiet curb of his lips — Are you okay? — he asked.

It was a serious question, it wasn't just courtesy, it wasn’t a throw-away question. He was looking at her, meeting her right in the eye, no hesitation on his face. He knew something was off and she just had to admit it. And, just like that weekend as he found her sitting on his balcony and then again when she came back home to him that same night, she was so close to spilling everything to him. Not only then but every time he had looked at her with that shade of worry and light curiosity in his eyes. And the words were melting on the tip of her tongue as that gentle gaze graced her. A thin layer of fear was what kept her from saying that she just needed for him to hold her tightly as she let out everything that was on her chest. Only a small pinch of hesitation held her back from asking him to take her home so she could lay by his side in bed and have him hold her as she told him everything.

But she didn’t.

And, if she was honest with herself, she would know that she never would unless there was no other choice and she was on her breaking point.

— All good. — and it hadn’t even been that convincing.

— You sure? — he replied, almost in a whisper, even if there was no risk of anyone hearing. Maybe it was a costume of his, to speak of delicate matters softly. She nodded profusely for a short moment and he looked at her, sizing her up, almost as if he was trying to see if there was a crack in her armor. Still, he let it go. He slowly moved his hand to catch a strand of her curly hair and set it back behind her ear. His eyes followed the movements of his hand and traced her face below it as he said — So, — he cut the silence in half, looking at her with the scrutinizing gaze out of his eyes. She knew he was about to cut the tension and he held him dearly for that, — why did it feel as if Abed was seeing through my soul?

Alex smiled, just as every time, relieved. — ‘Cause he can. — she cheekily replied making him smile and breath out a chuckle. Alex traced circles on his shoulder with her hand before she started observing her own playful movements. — He knows we’re dating. — she sheepishly explained, looking up to meet his gaze as she did.

He seemed slightly surprised, pleasantly so, with a raised eyebrow as he asked, — You told him?

— Yeah. — she nodded, hesitance in her voice. The inner ends of her eyebrows drew up with an unforeseen concern, — It’s that okay? — slightly moving away from him as she asked. She was still between his arms but no longer laying against his chest. — I know we said to keep it on the low but-

— It’s alright. — he assured, planting his palms tighter on her waist, — I mean, — he shrugged shortly — I told Winger.

Alex frowned a little to the surprise, a smile still wide on her lips. — You did?

— Yeah. — her light frown disappeared as she saw the soft look on his face — It’s alright, isn’t it? — he wondered out loud, — Just two people know. Our confidants of sorts. — he went on, almost bargaining to himself — It’s not really out.

— Yeah, — she nodded, moving away from him as she went to pick up her backpack. She grabbed it and turned around, backpack in hand, — Except… — she hesitated, — Troy probably knows, too. — she figured as she seemed to be lost in thought, slowly placing her backpack on her right shoulder. She looked at him, — And Jeff does keep referring to me as your girlfriend, in front of everyone.

— Alright. — Ian weighed, a hint of worry creeping its way onto her face. He started to stroll towards the exit and she followed with, — So probably the rest of that charming group know, too. — he nodded to himself, and she nodded along, studying his face. Noticing something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

— And Tyra.

He turned his head towards her. Confused, he asked, — Who’s Tyra?

— The girl who helped me out of the restaurant. — Alex reminded him, frowning a bit whilst lightly crooking her head. — I told you about her.

Ian nodded but quickly frowned — She goes here?

— Yeah. — she nodded. — Didn’t I tell you that?

He frowned a little and shook his head. — I don't think you did. — now she was the one sizing him up, he had started to sound and look a little concerned. Concerned enough, it seemed that when they reached the door, he stopped them both, turning to her and softly holding her wrist in his hand. She looked at him, a bit disoriented — So the entire school will know in a week’s time.

Alex chuckled and nodded, he didn't sound all that distraught but there was something. Maybe in his averted gaze, the quick frown of his eyebrows. Maybe it was the way he was holding her wrists, or the distance he wasn't cutting short. She tried to ignore it.

She couldn't find anything else to say other than a lighthearted, — Yeah, probably. — and he lightened up just a little at the careless expression on her face, showing him that she didn't quite mind if everyone knew she was with him. She slowly inched closer to him, placing her free hand in his arm, trying to move past his earlier reaction — Don't worry, — she shrugged, — we'll just have to bribe Pierce so he won’t tweet about it and we’ll be fine.

He smiled at her joke but shook his head, — That man won’t take a cash bribe, I don’t feel comfortable with anything he might ask.

She playfully gave a standoff-ish look, smiling as she lightly squinted her eyes — Hey, it’s my underwear he will ask for.

— Please don’t give Pierce your underwear.

— I won’t. — she shook her head, seizing the opportunity to move a bit closer to him as she playfully turned her face to her right and looked away, — Probably.

He gave a short chuckle as she kept inching closer to him, with the clear intention to kiss him written on her face. And so she did. It was chaste, just a soft kiss to share. Still, he found the time to stroke the skin of her hand as he held her. And he stared into her eyes before she looked down at their intertwined hands, turning them to their side as if she was inspecting them, both with tact and sight. There was something about his hands, how large yet slender they were, how soft and delicate for someone who could sometimes manage to be quite crass. And she found it a little funny how they were a bit hairy but knew they didn't lose any charm for it, they were his hands and she really liked them. She liked them on her skin, in her hand, touching her, holding her, even just pouring her a drink.

— We should probably catch up to the group and talk to our confidants then. — Alex had raised her eyes to his face the moment he started talking. The concerned look had come back.

She felt herself stare him down for a moment, trying to see what he was thinking. She had tried to get his mind away from the bad things that could come out of everyone finding out, but there seemed to be something more. And she wasn’t quite sure whether she wanted to find out or live in blissful ignorance.

He seemed to get more nervous by every passing second, so she just nodded as her face relaxed, softly pulling away from him. — Sure. — she said, softly letting go of his hands. He opened his mouth for a moment but she didn’t let him get a word out, placing her hand on the door and pushing as she said — You go talk to Jeffrey. I'll see you in the cafeteria. — she pushed the door open and walked out.

— I’m a fucking idiot — she heard him grumble to himself from just a few steps away, as the door slowly moved to close in front of him.

Alex shook her head as she moved along the corridor, catching up to Troy and Abed at the front of the group. — Alex — Abed called her as she got herself to his side — Can you take care of Shelby tonight?

— Abed, it’s a snail, it can take care of itself.

— She can’t — Troy corrected.

— It’s Troy’s twentieth birthday tomorrow, so we’re getting together to study all night.

— That’s your birthday party?

— I don’t celebrate it. — Alex just nodded and was about to ask why when she heard Ian’s voice calling for Winger. She almost froze in place as her confusion about Ian creeped up on her. She wasn’t quite sure what to feel or think. It was clear Ian was hiding something and she couldn't shake the feeling it was something she would be better off knowing.

— So you’ll do it? — Abed asked. She nodded, not paying any mind to what was being asked of her. Her thoughts stayed with the tall British man a few feet away from her.

She was sure most people hid something or another, consciously or not, with ill intentions or for self-preservation, maybe both. And heaven knew she had her secrets, but they were never in relation to him. She remembered her feelings that Saturday late morning, how she wanted him to ask again even if she didn't. She wondered if he wanted the same, but he didn't seem upset like she had been that weekend. He seemed upset about them. What was there to be upset about? What didn't she know? There were a thousand thoughts going through her head but near to none seemed sensical, except one. That, whatever she kept to herself was just her’s to keep, and it barely even involved him. But this, she had the ich to know what he was hiding. She knew it wasn’t entirely fair to him, hiding things from him and then demanding to know everything he felt like keeping to himself, but love was never fair.

Love?

She shook her head. No. She was about to freak out but the device in her left pocket didn’t let her start on her oncoming rant. She took it out by simple inertia, too stunned by her latest discovery to even dare to think. Her screen quickly displayed the incoming call. Unknown number. She hesitated but picked up. Maybe whatever the unknown caller had to offer was better than what was roaming inside her head.

— Hello, Alex? — Fuck. Nick. Alex stoped to a halt. Blood rushed down to her feet. Flight or fight response kicked in, but she seemed to have chosen the third secret option of freezing up like an idiot.

A beat of silence took over the phone call, swiftly interrupted by Nick’s hesitation — Hello?

Her feet darted on the floor, taking her to the adjacent corridor without her thinking too much about it, taking her away from the group and any familiar face. She stopped by the wall, near an empty classroom door. She held her right elbow with her left hand, taking some semblance of cover between her arms, her head low as she talked to the phone, a surreal feeling taking over her, — Nick. Hey

— Hey. — a beat, she kept on walking — I’m sorry about calling you like this but I couldn’t get a hold of you. — Alex stayed quiet, not knowing what to say, guilt, sorrow, and shame riling up inside her chest. She stopped walking, opening her mouth to talk but nothing came out of it, — I got this number from your mom.

— Oh. — that was all she had managed to spit out. She closed her eyes, wanting to bury herself underground.

A desperate sigh came from the side of the call, — Look I know you’ve been kind of avoiding me, and I get it, but- We leave tomorrow night and I wanted to talk to you. — A rock seemed to make home inside her throat, she couldn’t speak or swallow, she could barely even breathe — Can we- can we meet tonight? — she breathed in — Please?

— Nick, I’m- — her voice sounded stranded, vocal cords wavering as the corner of her eyes slowly filled up with water. She breathed in, trying to calm her nerves. — Yeah, of course. Sorry.

— There’s nothing to be sorry about. — she doubted that. He cleared his throat, — I was thinking of the diner we used to go to. — Alex’s breath hitched for a second. Nick retracted — But if that’s too much we can just go to the cafe next to the hotel.

— No. — she hastily cut him off, quickly swaying between her legs and nodding as she said — No, it’s alright. We can go to the dinner.

— Are you sure?

She swallowed, — Yeah.

There was a peaceful silence on both ends of the line. Alex breathed in, a heavy relief taking over her body. She wasn’t done yet. She had a long way to go. But she was finally going.

— Are you free at six?

— I have an AA meeting.

She wasn't sure why she just said that. Force of habit probably. She used to tell him everything. Well, most everything at least.

— When can you grab a bite then?

She looked at the table where she was expected to eat. Seeing all of them talking, and laughing, she couldn't stomach it.

— Right now actually.

Chapter Text

“So, how are you”

It was odd. Surreal, really. Sitting at that dinner with Nick in front of her. It felt like a dream, a dreadful one, scary and confusing. One where all the faces were messed up, where the place was the right one but it looked off, completely different but with the same feeling. She could tell a few things had changed, beside her and Nick. The glasses were different too, they were a sort of oval shape, thinner. She felt it was a stupid thing to notice, but she did anyway, the moment she took it to get a sip of water, it didn't fit right on her hand somehow, she got used to it after a bit. The tables were new, and the booths and chairs had a different tapestry. They were brownish red, instead of that old, worn down dirty yellow. The floor was now a sleek hardwood, or at last a tile made to look hardwood.

The place seemed more refined, more mature, just like Nick and her in a way. No longer those moody teenagers, carelessly wasting hours in the afternoon, complaining about something or talking about nothing, filling up on sugary drinks or sharing a meal. No longer three stupid teens, now only two complicated adults. She had been nostalgic about those times ever since they slipped out of her grasp all those years ago. And even if she didn't think about it as much as before, there was always a part of her that longed for what was lost. Always present, like never ending embers of a fire long gone, no longer keeping her warm, just a reminder of what once was.

“Fine. I guess”, she could barely look at Nick. There was something about him that brought her pain. Maybe it was his face, so similar to his sister's, even if aged. Maybe that was part of it too. In her memories Nick was always that young bright guy with wide eyed stare behind those thick black frames and wild hair, the kind that was cracking jokes left and right, always thinking of something clever to say, always trying to make everyone around him laugh, in most of her memories at least. To see him now, grown, a serious man with a calmer stare behind slimmer metal frames, curly hair softly falling slightly on the side of his face . It struck her. “You?”

“Fine” he looked at the table and made a face “It’s weird being here”

“Yeah, the whole place is changed. It doesn’t feel right”

He looked up “Yeah, that too. But I meant here in town” she looked at him, seing a hint of his sadness show through that calm face he seemed to wear now. “It’s the first time I’m back”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’ve been busy” he paused, lips turning downwards for a moment. “And I really couldn't bear it before” his hands started playing with the menu in front of him. “I’m not sure I can stomach it now either but-” he sighted. They sat silent for a moment, he wasn't looking at her, he was looking at his hands, fidgeting with them ever so slightly, fingertips on the edge of the plastic menu.

“Hi” A short, bright eyed girl walked up to the side of their booth, it was the same one that had left their menus in front of them just a few minutes before “Are you guys ready to order?”

“Yeah” said Nick “I'll have a latte and a donut”

“Chocolate, strawberry or vanilla glaze”

“Strawberry”

The girl nodded as she wrote it down “What about you?” she asked as she looked at Alex.

“A tea” the girl wrote it down “and a cookie. Chocolate chip”

“It'll be right up” the girl took their menus and turned back to where she came from.

The silence that had occupied the moment they sat down and had lingered for a moment came back. She wasn’t sure what t d with herself. Nick took a small breath, “So you're in AA?” he said, glossing over what he was talking about before. Alex nodded, letting the previous topic go.

“Yeah” She nodded, unable to figure out what to say next.

“Dad said you started drinking back when they sold the house”

Alex pressed her lips “Yeah- I never did apologize to him about that”

“It’s fine. I’m sure it helped him in a way.” he shrugged, “Having to take care of you, I mean” Nick looked down, the menu now gone, just staring at the table or at his hands, she wasn’t quite sure “He was all allone out here and-” he shook his head ever so slightly “I never apologized about my stuff either.” he looked up back at her “No one did. I guess, we all just- did what we could. Right?”

“Right?” Alex nodded “I probably should, though. It’s part of the whole make amends thing”

“Right”

They couldn’t quite look at eachother in the eye anymore. There was something off about it. She kept looking around his face, not quite at him, and so did him. It was odd, he sounded different but it was his voice, he looked different but it was still him, he’d just grown. She had, too. She wasn’t sure how they could fit anymore, she wasn’t sure if they should even try.

Alex held her hands together above the table and looked at them as she played with her fingers. She still had no idea why he had dragged them to meet there, of all places. She had no idea why he had come back, this year of all years, or what his life was like now, she had no idea of anything whatsoever. She felt so put out f it, it all felt too real, real enough to make it seem fake, like it was all a twisted memory of a realistic dream. She wished the dinner still allowed to smoke indoors, she wasn’t sure what to do with her hands, with her mouth, with herself. It all felt so incredibly weird. It was Nick in front of her, in the same place they used to hang out all those years ago, but it wasn’t really Nick and it wasn’t really her either, it barely even felt like the same place. As stagnant as she felt, as childish and immature, she had changed. And so had Nick. It wasn’t as it was in so many ways, because they weren’t who they were back then.

“Nick, I-” she looked up to face him, he did the same. For a moment it felt real “I really don’t wanna sound like a bitch but, why did you call me?”

“Yeah-” he straightened up as he breathed in “I just needed to know how you were doing” he let out in one breath, shaking his head and shrugging ever so slightly “I just left. I never reached out-”

“It’s not on you- I could’ve-”

“Yeah. But I could’ve, too.” he cut her off “I should have” he added “I left” Alex bit her lip, looking away for a moment, staring out to the dinner, seeing the waitress walk to the kitchen “You were alone. Here” she looked back at him, he looked so remorseful, so guilty “But- It’s-” he shook his head, eyes lost in the nothingness beside her “It was all just too much. I didn’t want to think about it”

“Neither did I” she sincerely said “We just did what we could”

“Yeah” he swallowed “I guess I just wanted to check in. Make sure you don’t hate me”

Alex froze.

“Why would I hate you, Nick?”

“I don’t know.” there was a beat of silence that she didn’t know how to cut, but
he kept goin “We were supposed to go through it together but I left. And grieve does- things to people” there was a strange candor in his voice “You blame whatever you have near you. Get angry” she nodded, hearing what was being said between the lines.

“You hated me back then”

Nick pressed his lips together, not looking at her. he breathed out, touching his nose with exasperation.

“Yeah” he looked up at her “I know it wasn’t your fault”

“Don’t”

“Alex. It really wasn’t”

“Please. Don’t.” she stopped him, a harsh monotone element to her voice that almost covered up the trembling in it “I know. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t make it happen. I wasn’t the one that-” she stoped, the trembling taking over for a moment, she composed herself so quickly it almost scared her “But I didn’t prevent it either, I could’ve-” she assured “If I’d known.” tears stinged in her ayes but she tried to ignore it “If I hadn’t been so childish. I-” Nick almost reached out for her hand, but he stopped just after the first reflex, contained himself, unsure why.

“You were a kid. We all were” he assured, but she didn’t take confort in it so he said “And I could play that game too.” Alex looked up to him, concerned “I mean, if I hadn’t left-”

“Nick, you told me to look after her and I didn’t” tears were well formed in her eye.

“Stop it”

“Nick, I-”

“Are we really gonna play a game of chicken about who killed my sister?”

An unexpected laugh escaped Alex, and Nick snickered too. They smiled at eachoter, with a bitter bite to it and tears on Alex’s eyes. Their smiles turned sour almost instantly, but there was no bitterness between them.

They let a beat of silence take them, as if they needed to stop and recompose, let the moment pass for a minute. When that moment went by, Alex’s face turned sadder, she cracked her head and spoke, voice cracked with her drowned cry, “Nick”

“I’m sorry”

“I-” she stoped, tears streaming down her face. She wasn’t weeping, her tears falled quietly down her cheeks, not a sound scaping her mouth, her eyes lost as she faced away from him.

“Alex, look at me” she did, wiping her tears with the back of her hand “It wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t mine” he swallowed, looking at her anguish filled face “It’s just a fucked up thing that happened. Okay?” he breathed out “We can’t control everything”

Alex nods, staying quiet for a moment before saying “I’m sorry. For whatever it’s worth”

“You don’t have to be. But thank you” he sighted “I’m sorry, too. For whatever it’s worth”

Alex gave him a tight lip smile. Neither off them spoke for a moment, not until the waitress brought their order. “So, really, how you’ve been? What you’ve been up to?” He said, grabbing his mug, taking a sip after speaking.

“Not a lot really. I’ve been going to community colleague for a few years now. I have a few friends there.” she nodded “And I’ve been seing someone, as you know”

“How’s that going?”

Alex grabbed her drink and nodded “Pretty well, He’s- nice”

“Just nice?” he coimplained in a jokely manner “C’mon, give me something more”

“I don’t know.” she hesitated “He’s funny. Attentive. He’s- he makes me feel better, makes everyday better.” she said, loosing up a little bit, remembering it wass Nick she was talking to “When I don’t see him for a whole day it just- It feels empty, like it wasn’t really a day.” Alex almost blushed at her words “That sounds stupid but-”

“No, I get it”

“Yeah?”

“It’s the way I used to feel about you”

Alex froze for a moment “Oh”

“Sorry. I didn’t meant to-”

“No it’s okay” she stopped him, nodding at him with understanding

Nick chuckled a bit “What I meant to say was that you were that kind of person to me. You know?” Alex nodded, a shared understanding in their gaze “I just felt alive when I was with you. When we were kids”

“I felt it too, a bit.” she smiled at him “With you and Sarah” Alex sighted “With her mostly” Nick nodded before taking a longer drink of his coffee. Alex shifted in her seat “What about now? Do you have someone like that in your life?”

“Not really” Nick said, leaving his mug no the table “I mean. I have friends, good friends. And it’s good. My life, I mean.” he assured, Alex didn’t doubt his words, there was no reason to “I have a job, a house, a dog. I just don’t have that” Nick looked away for a moment, mug shifting between his fingers, his donut left untouched “I don’t think I need it, either” he declared, almost as if that tought occurred to him in the moment. Alex doubted that, but she wasn’t going to debate him on it.

“That’s good, being able to live just by, living”

There was a silence, Nick was thinking.

“I miss it thought” he finally said “The connection, the importance” there was a melancholy to his voice “I’ve been kind of disconnected” he sincerely said, looking at Alex with a honest stare ”From everything I mean. I’m just there” he shrugged “And it’s fine. I- It’s good. I’m good but-” his voice wondered to silence, he breathed out a tiresome sight “I don’t think I’ve let myself connect”

Alex looked at him, the newfound sadness in his eyes, his defeated posture, recognizing the tired tone in his voice.

“I hadn’t either. Not before Ian, I mean” she said, trying to show him some empathy some sense of shared sadness. She shrugged, looking at him with sympathy “It’s hard”

Nick nodded “It really is”

She felt terrible. He looked so beaten down in that moment, when he looked so well when they had sat down. She wondered if it was part of the disconnection he had made known, if that look of put-togetherness was just a unconscious facade, a mask that he wasn’t aware he was wearing, and had only come out in her presence. She wanted to make it better somehow.

“We can- connect again” she offered, sincerely “If you want”

Nick looked up at her, a faint smile in his lips.

“I think I’d like that”

Chapter Text

Ian was concerned. Through the entire day. Never mind just that, he was going absolutely mad with concern. Alex hadn’t shown up to lunch and he hadn't seen her since. He had sat there, chewing on some mediocre sandwich as he tried to get a more detailed answer from live-action Bert and Ernie than “She left to answer a phone call and didn't come back. We didn’t even set a time for her to pick up Shelby”. On top of it all, he was getting tired of the playful and cherie harmony that the group always carried after every Glee practice. He didn’t give a shit how close they were to regionals, he wanted to shake them all out of it. Not even he was as delusionally happy, and he was dating the hottest woman ever in his life. At least as far as he knew he still was. He took comfort that they would be dumping that sing-song heartfelt spiel after winter break. A visit from the seasonal regret and family visits was all they needed to get their cynicism back on track. There was no way they were getting the club to regionals, or sectionals or whatever after the winter break.

It didn’t matter anyway. He was just looking for something to be mad at, and at that moment it was the group of seven cheerie dumbasses in front of him was a perfect output for his frustrations. Even Jeffrey had been nothing but fairly agreeable when Ian asked to keep his secret. Barely commenting negatively, only a handful of sarcastics remarks. After all, there was only so much that Glee club could do, anyway. Still, he had agreed not to tell anyone, and even to dissipate any rumors he might have started. He even gave him a solution for his Pierce problem, assuring him that Pierce had probably violated the terms of service on his birdy app more than once so it would only take a few reports and he would be out of there. Ian kept it in mind.

As the day went on he kept trying to find Alex. He had seen her talking on the phone, looking quite afflicted before lunch and his anxieties were getting the best of him. He had decided not to interrupt her but, not long after, became increasingly paranoid and hung up on the idea that Alex had found out about his past within the five-minute walk from the classroom to the cafeteria and that the phone call had, somehow, something to do with it.

Something typical for Ian's self-centered worldview. But more paranoid than usual.

Maybe she was calling her brother to come pick her up, he thought, maybe that was why she was nowhere to be seen. He would’ve asked her if it weren't for the fact that she wasn't answering his text nor those three desperate drunken calls he had the misfortune to have made.

Ian was afraid that maybe she finally, somehow, had seen him for what everyone else saw him, for what he quite possibly, actually was. Terrified that maybe her rose colored glasses had broken and she could finally see his warning label, reading in bright red and bold letters. Caution: do not date, befriend or lend money to.

He had to see her, as soon as possible. Assess the damage, try to fix it somehow. However, he was sure there was no way to fix it if she didn't let him speak to her, so he tried not to think about it, and there was only one way he knew how not to think about it. A knock came to his door, by the time it was dark outside. He had fallen asleep on his couch, a nice little special nap he had taken with his phone still in his hand, no missed calls or new messages, and a dizzy drunken state still lurking around.

A knock came to interrupt the quiet solitude that he was drowning in. The knock gave him hope and an electric current through his body that made him stand up and look at the door. The shadow casted on the glass of the door killed his hopes but sparked his curiosity, two people were standing behind it. He hoped it wasn’t just some students coming to inquiry about the curriculum or anything like it. He hoped it was someone that could somehow distract him, or at least come into the pitiful hole of despair with him. He walked to the door and opened it, he saw the campus very own Bert and Ernie.

“Is Alex here” the motone tone of Abed annoyed him, and not for the first time.

“No” he answered, even if a more honest answer would’ve been ‘I wish she were’

“How good of a petsitter are you?” Troy inquired.

“Decent, I guess” he said, “Unless it's a parrot, they get way too infatuated with me. Birds of a feather and all” and Troy extended him a glassbox Ian hadn't noticed he was holding. He grabbed it, without any real sense of what he was getting into.

Abed looked a Troy with a certain look of concern “I’m not sure about this” he said .

Troy landed a soft hand on the back of Abed's shoulder and in a soft and calming voice said to him “Don’t worry, he’ll only have her for a few hours” Abed nodded, Troy turned to Ian “We’ll come pick her up in a few hours”

“Pick who up?” asked Ian.

“Shellby” Troy pointed at the glassbox, more specifically, at the little creature living inside it.

“Oh” Ian said, looking down through the little mesh net that covered the top of the glass container, seeing the little shell of a snail, frowning with confusion at the sight.

“Don’t let her eat too much, she has already eaten dinner, just put a little cap of water inside every few hours. Bottled water, no tap water, please. You can drop a twig in there if you’d like. But don’t let her out of her box, she’s sneaky” Troy said, not paying any attention to Ian’s perplexed face.

“We’ll be back in a few hours” Abed continued “if Alex comes by, tell her she’s allowed in my room, she has a key. Just keep an eye on Shellby until we come back”

“Thank you so much, you’re a lifesaver”

That’s how Ian found himself slowly sobering up as he watched Shellby spend the next thirty minutes making its way up a twig only to slowly eat one of the leaves on it, and he just watched, occasionally rambling to it about a game he watched, or a book he was reading, but mostly the whereabouts of his paramour. By the time he decided he should accept his destiny and go mad waiting for Alex with the sole entertainment of watching that little pet slowly move around its tiny enclosure, he changed his mind and decided he had enough, that he would look for her one last time.

He left a cap of water on the enclosure of the little pet, and promised her he'd be back in a jiffy. Luckily for him, after basically running around school grounds for less than half an hour, he found her.

She was leaning against a brick wall, back on it, cigarette in hand, hair pulled out of her face by a clip that held half of her hair in the top part of the back of her head, leaving the lower part of her hair free, as well as a few locks on her face. She was staring blankly at the floor, leather jacket hanging from her shoulders, blue jeans tight around her legs. He suddenly forgot about his concern all together. Seeing the beautiful and hauntingly hot woman that was standing there. He looked as she smoked her cig, slowly and unconsciously walking towards her, like a moth to light, barely aware of the danger, the burn, too hypnotized to even think of turning away.

He watched her lips pose upon and beneath the white paper of the cigarette, he watched as her hand took it away and her lips slowly let a faint white smoke leave her mouth. He could almost tremble at the sight. She looked serious, deep in her mind, her eyes glazed with the currency of thought. She looked even more breathtaking, as if she was in her natural state, however serious and melancholic her state was. He was a few meters from her when he stopped, the light of the patio that was gracing her face was on him as well. He cleared his throat and she looked at him.

In one swift motion she let her cigarette fall to the ground and moved towards him, not quite running but with a quickness to her step, he met her halfway. She quickly wrapped her arms around his neck, like a slap bracelet, unwavering. She hugged him tightly, a soft breath leaving her mouth in a charged relief.

Ian was flabbergasted but quickly reacted to wrap his arms around her waist. “Hey” he softly cooed, slowly caressing her lower back.

“I'm sorry”

“There's nothing to be sorry about” it wasn't quite true. He had been so scared, she had disappeared without warning, hadn't been answering his calls or texts, but by the looks of it, there was a reason. She hugged him tighter than before and then let him go. “Are you alright?”

“I’m not sure” she confessed in a hushed voice. He held her slightly tighter. Ian wasn’t one for hugs, not much for physical affection, but when it came to her, to this wind whirl of a woman that he had grown so accustomed to, so endeared to, he had no reservations for it. She nuzzled up on the crook of his neck for a moment before letting go. “Can we go to your place?”

“I would love to, but we've got one issue” Alex took half a step away to look at him. “We’re pet sitting a snail for the two whack-jobs from our shared friend group”

“They left Shellby with you?” Alex asked, surprised, melancholy fading from her ever so softly.

“Is this a known fact?” He said, actually confused, then, making fun of it “This pet, if you can even call it that”

“I mean, they just got her, I’m surprised they chose you”

“Well, they didn’t” Ian rebutted, “They wanted you, I’m just what they found”

“Stil, they could've gone with Leonard or Garrett

“Excuse me, I believe I can take care of a snail better than Leonard or fucking Garret”

Alex shrugged, messing with him, faint cheeky smile “If you say so”

Chapter Text

It was becoming a routine, she was sure, Tuesdays and Fridays when she left AA he would go pick her up, or sometimes just pass by to say hi and offer her a ride home, more often than not with the sorry excuse that he was working late as if any of them bought that notion. It had only been a couple of weeks since they started doing it regularly. If she thought too much about it, it could almost be funny, the greatest risk to her sobriety was waving a polite hello to her sponsor. It wasn't really, maybe just a bit ironic. Then they would have dinner, usually at his place, or pick up something to eat in the car, never really going into a dinner or something together, not since the incident with the dean. 

She smiled when she saw him waiting by the wall near the exit of the building. He perked up the moment he heard footsteps. “Hi,” she said, unsure whether to kiss him or not. She knew, sooner or later in the night, they would kiss and she would be able to taste some wine, whisky, or, on one occasion, beer on his lips. She wasn’t yet sure if she was comfortable with those tastes. They were a bit like a siren call, like her brain tried to justify drinking, as if she had already broken, in some principle, the sobriety by just tasting it on his lips and tongue. She tried to quiet that part of her mind.

“Hey” he replied, pausing for a moment to look at her with a lingering smile before saying, “Got your luggage?” She nodded, showing him the suitcase that was behind her,”Shall we?” and pointing towards the parking lot. She nodded. Shortly after they were in the car, he was driving in silence, only the faint music from the radio and the engine running. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't all completely at ease either. Things were odd still, even if they had talked it out, some of it still lingered in the back of her mind, and maybe his too, she suspected. After her disappearing act, it got worse a few days after that, at lunch, they sat down to eat opposite each other in the cafeteria with Shirley, Jeff, Abed, and Tro,y who were already engaged in a lively banter that they barely broke to say hi to them.

Once there was a lull in the conversation, Alex chimed in to say, “Duncan told me you guys aren't doing the holiday carols anymore”

“No, it was a stupid idea, and no matter how much the dean begs, we're not getting dragged back into it” Jeff declared, dry and detached as always, sounding even a little mad.

“A girl rejected him yesterday for being in Glee club,” Troy let her know.

“It's not because of that and she’s just a stupid chick that doesn't know happiness and thinks this is still high school” the group stared at him for his little outburst “But it's still lame and we're not doing it” he said, a little more composed, before picking up his cell phone and start typing, in what seemed to be a defense mechanism.

Shirley made a face and tried to move the conversation over to a different topic, looking back a the group, “Well, I don't mind the extra time to start the Christmas preparations” she said with a lovely and excited smile, she looked at Alex and sweetly said “What are you planning for the holidays, Alex?”

Shirley probably just asked to be polite, and was probably more inclined to ask the girl with the cross necklace, the girl she knew was Christian, over the rest of the secular, pagans, and non-Christians at the table. She knew Shirley was just being nice, she didn’t know that was just about the only subject Alex didn't want to touch on at that moment. She had news, a rushed decision that she was both terrified and excited about. But importantly, at the moment, a decision she hadn't yet discussed with Ian. “Well, uhm” Ian looked at her, eyes narrowing just the slightest bit at her hesitation, as if to ask her what was going on. Of course, he was sober and paying attention. “A friend of mine invited me to go and spend Christmas with him and his family” she spared a glance at Ian, seeing him frown at her words. He looked at her, confused to say the least.

Alex's gaze went back to Shirley as she chimed, “That’s nice!” and then Shirley said, in the cutest way possible, the worst thing she could’ve said in that moment, “Is he a special someone?”

Alex saw both Abed and Ian perk up at the idea. Alex shook her head no, but before she could say so, Abed said, “Love triangle. I did not see that coming”

Alex shot him a look “What?! No” she looked back at the group, especially at Ian, “He’s just a friend” Alex saw Ian's demeanor; it was like nothing she had seen before. Dejected and retreated, somewhat angry or something similar to it, she couldn’t quite place it. It felt foreign to what he usually was, at least on the surface, or at least with her.

“Then why are you spending Christmas with him?” said Jeff, surprisingly. Phone still in hand but with a piercing look directed to her, nonchalant words but serious tone, saying what Ian was probably thinking.

Alex felt a bit small, looking a little to the side as she said, “We just… have a history”

“That sounds completely uncomplicated and unromantic,” Winger said, sarcastically. She gave him an annoyed look.

“Whose the guy?” asked Troy, intrigued by everyone else’s interest in the topic.

Alex looked at Ian for just a moment, trying to read his thoughts, “Nick, a friend from highschool” He was unreadable to her then, eyes darting between her and whoever spoke, the usual levity of his character gone completely.

“Didn’t you say he used to be in love with you?”

“Abed!” Alex quietly reprimanded him. As she looked back at the group, she caught the quick exchange of glances between Ian and Jeff.

“High school sweethearts has a nice ring to it” Shirley teased in a sweet and hushed voice, almost in a sing-song way.

“We’re not” she said to her, and looked at Ian, a bit not too subtly, “It was a long time ago” she looked back at the group, “And we’re adults now”

“What was a long time ago?” Jeff asked, almost sounding as if he were in front of a stand and she was on it, trying to defend her statement.

“High school”

“And him being in love with you” Jeff added, almost accusing her of something.

“Possibly”

“So if you weren’t so sure, why would you tell Abed that he was? Why would you tell him at all if it’s so non-important now?” he was trying to scrutinize her. She took some offense, for someone who hadn’t taken the time to actually talk to her more than a few casual hellos and goodbyes, he had a lot of nerve to meddle in her things, even if it was in the name of his friend.

She straightened up, the whole group paying close attention in some way or another, “Because I was telling him a story and it was context”

“What story?”

“A personal one”

“About your love life?”

“No”

“Lie” Abed chimed in. Alex glanced at him a bit annoyed, but didn't say anything. She shouldn't have lied, it made her look flimsy, untrustworthy. She looked back at Winger. 

“Yes, but not with him”

“Then with who?” Alex stared at Jeff. He stared back. For a moment, neither of them backed down. She looked at the group, Abed and Troy were looking at them as if they were an enthralling tennis match, Shirley was wearing a somewhat uncomfortable look, and lastly, Ian was looking at her almost as Jeff was, waiting for her to crack and tell the truth. Alex frowned and immediately huffed, quickly standing up and leaving the table in anger, purse on her shoulder, jacket in hand. She heard Jeff said, “I rest my case” followed by Abed and Troy wow-ing and awe-ing at him. She couldn’t care enough to retort that she hadn't lost anything and that there was no case to rest, she was just too angry. At him, at Ian, even a little bit at Abed.

It wasn’t until the next day, as she was leaving AA that she saw Ian, waiting by the wall where he had found her smoking not long ago. For a moment she was glad to see him; it had felt weird and even sad not talking to him, not even texting him. She hadn’t been trying to give him the cold shoulder, but she was just too annoyed and stubborn to be the first one to break the silence. Then, the moment of easiness ended and she was angry again, just for a few seconds, as she remembered how he had said nothing as everyone grilled her about Nick, and even worse, how he seemed to be on board with how Winger had treated her. 

Then, she thought, he was there, taking the first step, yielding and, somewhat, admitting defeat, or so she thought. It wasn't long after an awkward hello and the usual offer to give her a ride home that they were in the car, no plans of grabbing a meal or stopping by his place were made. It was a quiet ride until he said it. 

“So you’re leaving with Nick”

She didn’t look at him, not even for a second, just retorted, “I’m not leaving with Nick”

He shrugged a little while turning his head slightly to the side and grimacing as he said, “Well, you are”

“No, I’m spending Christmas with him and his family”

“Sounds about the same”

“It’s not” she looked at him, a bit angered but mostly hurt “You’re being unfair”

“I’m being unfair?” he retorted, almost sounding offended. She thought he was somewhat right; she had been unfair, accidentally, but it didn’t take the blame out of him either. 

“Yes, you are. I’m spending a holiday with people that were like family to me. That still are”

“And the guy who’s in love with you”

Alex huffed, annoyed and angry that that was what he was getting hung up on. Sure, he didn’t even know half of it, but couldn’t he just trust her? There was a tense and charged but solemn silence as he drove and she looked out the window. After a while, in a softer voice, he asked, “Is your family going too?”

“No, Franco wants Eric to spend christmas with his mom’s family” she said softly. Still, she knew what that answer would lead to, no matter the context, the unexpected and unplanned character of her plans, no matter what she would say, she knew Ian would stay hung up on the fact that it was just her with Nick, a person who, prior to the little group argument, Ian had no hang ups about. To her knowledge, at least. She had told Ian about him that night, less than a week ago, about him showing up and bringing up some sore subject about her past she was not yet ready to discuss with Ian, and he had taken it in stride, not even a second hesitant glance, and then, this.

“Right, so it’ll be you and Nick at his parents house” Jealousy, of course. She wanted to smack it right off him, but she couldn’t, much less with the angered state she was in.

“I’m staying at Nick’s house” she said, not even thinking about it, almost like a knee jerk reaction, a little part of her almost wanting to make him mad, for making her mad in the first place, for turning this weird, complicated, personal thing into an argument on whether Nick wanted to fuck her or not, and into a judgment where she had to prove she wasn’t trying to fuck Nick over the christmas break, for christ sake.

“Great” 

Alex froze, irritated. “Don’t do that”

“Do what?” 

“Think you’re right” she spat “Like fucking Jeff, thinking he won because I didn’t want to argue”

“Well, you didn’t quite make a good case for yourself” he seemed to want to make her mad, not really, but it felt like that for Alex.

“It isn’t a fucking case and I’m not some witness he has to interogate to win it” she said, almost through gritted teeth, remembering the other thing that had angered her before “And you didn’t even say nothing! He was treating me like shit”

“He wasn’t treating you like shit, he was just asking questions” Ian’s eyes remained on the road, ever so subtly calm, in a way that enraged Alex.

“On your behalf!”

“Well, I am interested to know why you’re running off to spend Christmas with bloody Nick!” He finally looked at her, and she saw some hurt in his eyes, just as he looked away.

“I’m not running off, and you could’ve asked!” she yelled in a quiet way that seemed more menacing than an actual scream, almost snarling some parts, the anger feeling more empty than ever, like a motor without fuel, no longer red hot, just broken and sad.

A few minutes passed as Ian drove the last stretch of the road and stopped the car. They stayed there for a moment, in silence, neither of them knowing what to say, or how to say it. Ian’s hands slowly dropped from the steering wheel down to his lap. Alex grabbed her backpack from the floor, not quite ready to leave, but showing she had to, she might, even if she didn’t want to leave it like that. 

Finally, he spoke, “I don’t even know where you’re going” his voice sounded quiet, sad, and disappointed. “Or when”

She looked at him, “Chicago, on the sixteenth” He didn’t say anything, neither did she, not until she looked back at the house and saw her mom by the window. “My mom’s waiting” she looked at him, both defeated and hurt. She wanted to kiss him, almost as a reassurance, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to do it, as unnatural as it felt to leave his car like that, she just said “Bye” and left

She didn’t know how to be in a fight, not while as a couple, much less as a couple that wasn’t really a couple, publicly or, really, in private. They had never gone on to put labels, but it was obvious what they were, and it was proven further with Ian’s reaction to the mere idea of her spending time with someone who, to him at least, wanted to get with her. Still, there was a complete and utter awkwardness to the anthropology class that seemed to be on everyone. By something or another. It was the last class of the semester, and Ian had shown up late and avoided her eyes the whole time. Was it shame, anger? She wasn’t sure. What she was sure of was that he was drunk, so when he called off the class early and left almost running, she just let it be. It wasn’t until deep in the night, as she was getting to bed, that she got a message from him. 

“I have been an absolute wanker” No abbreviations, that’s how she knew he was serious.

“A bit. Yeah” she replied

“can we talk 2morrow” 

“Sure, after AA” 

“gr8 c u thn”

It had been a long day, and the expectant meeting after AA kept her on edge, she wanted to talk it out, for him to apologise for her to do so in return, she wanted to kiss him, to lay with him, to talk with him, to have him close, she just wanted to go back to normal. As she saw him again, for the second time that week, waiting by that wall after a fight, she felt a tinge of something through her body, she couldn’t quite place it, just as he looked at him. Maybe it was excitement, she wasn’t sure. They walked in synchronicity towards each other.  “Hi” he said softly.

“Hi,” she replied.

“I was thinking we could go to my place, order something” she smiled at the suggestion and nodded. Ian drove them to his place as they debated what to get and from which place. They didn’t reach any verdict, not even as they got into Ian’s apartment and started to shed their coats off.

“I just don’t get what’s wrong with Chinese from Wo's,” he said, hanging his coat by the door.

“I swear that little piece of rice moved last time! It was a maggot, I’m sure” she said as she extended her coat for him to hang it, he took it and did so. She moved into the kitchen and got two glasses out, pouring water in both of them.

“We watched it for four minutes and it didn’t move again, if it was a maggot it was dead” She passed him the glass and then drank from her own.

“That brings no comfort” she deadpanned, taking another sip of water.

“But they make great chicken”

“Doesn’t trump the maggot” she left the glass on the counter as he drank from his.

“In my books, it does” he said with a cheeky smile.

“Does not” She smiled, and he looked at her, enthralled. She shifted a bit, uncomfortable and suddenly embarrassed by the attention, as he softly moved towards her and left his glass next to hers on the counter “What?” she asked as his hands reached her waist

“I’m sorry, I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry” 

She placed her hands on his forearms, holding him in some way, “I’m sorry, too” she said, sincerely, “it just got out of hand”

“I know, I’m sorry. I talked to Winger about the way he treated you, alright? You will get a nonchalant apology any day now” she smiled both by the action and the joke.

“Thanks. And you have nothing to worry about with Nick, alright? He’s a friend, that’s all he’s ever been”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind, I just got-” he stopped himself, words unspoken that intrigued her.

“Got what?”

“Scared” there was no need to clarify further, she just smiled at him with tenderness and kissed him passionately, repeatedly, he kissed back harder, more desperately. She could taste the wine on him. He held tight, hunger and affection mixing in and out of his touch and kisses. He went towards her neck as he held her closer, kissing softly and nibbling harder in between kisses and tugs on her body. She could feel every inch of him aching for her.

“Don’t be” she breathed out as he bit her a little more, “I won’t leave you” it was a promise she wasn’t sure she could keep. How could she know? But she felt it true in the ecstasy of the moment.

Started to undo his belt as he bruised up her neck by biting and sucking on it, only kissing it better after it was purple and sensitive. His lips finally let her neck go as he looked down to where her hands were. A panicked look flashed through his eyes, and he swiftly grabbed and pushed her up the counter, just barely not throwing the glasses off it. With one hand she moved them further back, avoiding any possibility of shards ruining the evening, “Sorry,” he said “just not quite ready yet” she nodded and started kissing him again, flushing her body against him, trying to psych him up, trying to show how much she wanted him. 

She moved forward towards him, almost by the very ledge of the counter, and pulled him into her. She noticed he wasn’t ready yet, not even halfway there, so she just kept kissing him, softly, then a little bit rougher, faster, down his neck and up again. She guided one of his hands to her chest, showing him he could touch her as he pleased. So Ian did, getting under her bra and slowly kissing down her neck until he met with the soft skin that was bare naked just above his hand, working up her sensitive skin with more enthusiasm than skill, with finger, tongue and a delicate amount of teeth after a few minutes he moved to the other side, paying attention with one hand to one of her tits and with his mouth on the other and keeping like that as she worked her hands down his torso and started palming his trousers. She didn’t feel him hard still, in a swift movement, he let go of her sensitive breasts and grabbed her wrists, stopping her from further investigating what seemed, by the look of his face, to bring him shame. 

She looked up at him, a bit confused at first. She crooked her head, “Are you not-?” Ian kissed her. Partly to shut her up, partly to declare that his attraction to her was very much not the problem. She moaned as he deepened the kiss and guided his hands back up to her body. He decided to press his hip against her sensitive core, pressing slightly against her as she started to pick up on his intentions. She absentmindedly started to move herself against him.

Softly, he pulled her lips between his teeth, having her breathing pick up. He let it go and watched her as she opened her eyes ever so slightly, the rocking in her hips ceasing as she watched him expectantly. Her lips were bruised red and swollen. He grabbed the left side of her face, palm steady above her jaw as his thumb caressed her bottom lip, “God, you're gorgeous” he said, mesmerized and slightly out of breath. She smiled, caught off guard. He kissed her again, lovingly and desperately, feeling her up with both of his hands.

He started to move his kisses down her jaw and she moved her head back, leaving her neck to his will and desire, so he decided to reciprocate what she had tried to do just moments before, hands going down her torso as he kissed her neck, chest, collarbone, whatever was at reach. He smiled, loving to see how much he could affect her as he slid his hand under her pants and over her underwear. He started to aimlessly touch her, his fingers feeling her wetness through her knickers. She had a shuddering breath when he moved the last piece of fabric that kept their skin apart and started to explore her further, two fingers that played between her foldings, grazing the right spot every so often, she wasn't sure if he was teasing her, he had found it before, but this felt on purpose. Slowly those two finger reached deep and started pumping her as his thumb pressed down and moved over the right spot, she hadn’t notice but she began to moan at some point, little shaky breaths escaping her in between those shrieks and yelps of pure ecstasy, his name kept escaping her lips almost as if it were the only word could conjure, and as he fastened his pace she had seemed to lose even the ability to say that. By the end of it, just before the tension he had created had released on his command, she managed to speak his name one more time, strained and coarse as he sucked on her breast and held her in place with his left hand. His rhythm slowed down, and he guided her body towards her as he kissed her once on the lips, a dozen little times on her neck and collarbone. “Good?” she nodded, a bit exhausted and completely dazed. “Bed?” his shaky voice asked.

“Yeah”

She almost blushed as she entered Ian’s place, luggage in hand following suit, like Ian, last friday’s memory swarming her relentlessly, her lack of decor, of shame as she sucked the fingers he put by her lips, tasting herself right before they went to bed. She looked at him and tried to play it off, for him not to notice her flustered state, “Chinese?” she asked, following the conversation they once again had in the ride over. He smiled.

“From Wo's?”

She gave him a look, leaving her suitcase by the door, leaving her coat on top of it, “Rather not”

He smiled, “Alrigh,t but if the chicken's dry, I’m gonna be very disappointed”

She chuckled, “Fine, better dried chicken than a worm in my rice”

“It’s extra protein” he joked, and she shook her head and walked in to sit on the couch. He followed suit, grabbing the landline on the way over, “What time’s your flight?”

“Eight AM, wanna be there an hour earlier, at least”

“Completely unnecessary but alright” he was about to dial the number, but stopped. “Why not pizza?”

“Alright” she shrugged, and he dialed the number. “Wait, is it just to avoid the dry chicken?”

Ian held up a finger while smiling cheekily. Alex threw her eyes back, amused, “Hi, could I get a large pizza with pepperoni?”

Chapter Text

She had left for the plane a few minutes before, he had kissed her, almost as they do in the movies, with the gripping of her whole body as he kissed her passionately, and the last soft kiss before releasing her from his arms and watching her walk to her gate before disappearing into a small crowd of people and luggage. He waited for a moment there, almost as if he were seeing the ghost of her go away again and again. It had been the only movie-like thing they had in those last twelve or so hours together

His body couldn’t even give him that one, help him to make up for last time, to leave her with a reminder of how good he could be to her, how thorough and efficient of a lover he could be; he couldn’t even get that right. It was his fault. He shouldn’t have drank those last three glasses of wine, he suspected that was why it had happened the time before, he shouldn’t have risked it. Of course, he had gone down on her like a gentleman after he started having a few technical issues. He then made her come with his fingers and a bit of her guiding hand and words. He had kissed her all over, he had whispered sweet nothings in her ear and told her how pretty and lovely she was, how much he wanted her. She hadn’t asked about his little problem after, leaving it at that one question right before he had decided to eat her out “All good?”. He suspected it wouldn’t be long before she began asking questions and being wholly and thoroughly disappointed.

He was still somewhat scared, and sad, and soon to be very lonely. The ache of knowing he wouldn't be with her for ten days felt heavy and annoying. He knew they would keep in touch, they would text, even call. He had asked her for an address and planned on sending a present he had yet to buy. He thought about how he should get cracking on that, at least think about what to get her. He thought about it, all the way back home, through his first glass of whisky, by the third, it had already slipped his mind, and he was texting Winger to ask him if he wanted to grab a drink. By the fourth, he was asleep on his couch, hugging a pillow with an unanswered text from Winger saying “Tomorrow maybe”

By the time he woke up, it was already night time, his head was pounding a little, and his throat was dry. He sat back up on his couch and took a drink from the abandoned glass on the table. It burned more than it did before. He straightened his glasses and stood up to turn on the kitchen light. He got himself a glass of water, and as he drank it, he received a message from Alex. “Just settled in. Very snowy and cold here. Should've brought a better winter coat. Everyone seems happy I came. It’s a bit odd but nice. We already did some sightseeing and they showed me this metal thing that looks like a bean, can’t wait to show you the pictures when I come back. it’s the weirdest thing. How are you?”

He thought for a moment if that was a good present. It wasn't. She was coming back three days after Christmas, so he needed to give her something that would signify something more or that, at the very least, would be useful for more than two days. He couldn’t think of a single thing that his mind didn’t shoot down immediately. Underwear, too sleazy. Pajamas, he wasn’t her grandmother. A framed picture of them, he was sure there wasn’t a good picture where they weren’t drunk, or many at all. He figured he could think about it in the morning, maybe talk it over with Jeff. As much help as he could be. He looked back at his cell phone and hesitantly wrote and rewrote a message that read “glad ur h4ving a gd time, dont catch a cold. :) I’m fine, gtting drinks w winger 2mrrw” he wanted to write more, but words didn’t come easy, what was he supposed to say? Hated texting; he wanted to actually talk to her. In an impulse, he texted “call 2mrw?” he waited for a reply to no avail so he walked to the living room refilled his glass with whisky, rubbed his eyes, and turned off the light, guiding himself through the living room and into the bedroom by his memory and the little bit of light that came in through the window.

He had always hated winter break, this one seemed to be the worst in recent memory never had he felt more lonely, mostly because of the lack of Alex. It was worrisome how easily he had gotten used to her presence, he wasn’t sure he could really go back to the way he was before. He had never been a popular person, never had a large group of friends or even an actual best friend, the closest to that he ever got was Winger and a childhood friend from Birmingham, and his romantic relationships had been few and far between. He was never sure how much of it was his fault or how much was bad luck. What he was sure of was that when Alex looked at him he felt like the luckiest bastard in the whole world, but now she wasn't there and he was sitting in his bed, alone and a bit cold, drink in hand and pounding in his head, hoping that he would fall asleep quickly.

The next day he had managed to get a hold of Winger and coordinated drinks at some high-end bar Jeff liked, things were a bit too pricey for his taste but his friend was on the hunt, so it was fine to have a nice drink and talk about whoever Jeff had his eye on. And Ian desperately needed a distraction. But as time passed he grew tired of talking about whichever pretty blond or brunette his friend was considering as the prize of the night. “Why don’t you just go talk to any of them, we know that unless they’re married you’re gonna get them”

“And even so” he rectified before turning in his stool and facing the bar for the first time since they got there “It’s just not right, too early. Any self-respecting woman would wait until at least after nine” he took a drink “I’ll have to put too much effort if I strike now”

“And what a disgrace that would be,” he replied, taking a drink and trying to savor the taste of that overpriced bourbon, which was still too damn expensive because it was however many years old with tones of whatever the fuck it was.

Jeff turned his head towards him, an eyebrow raised with an observation and perhaps a witty remark ready to shoot “Your characteristic charm and positivity are really shining through tonight, Duncan” Ian gave him an annoyed look before looking back at the wall full of high-end and pricey bottles.

“Yeah, screw you, too Winger” he took a sip of his drink, slowly. He prepared himself to speak of the thing he had avoided thinking of all day “Alex hasn’t answered my texts”

Jeff looked at him surprised and confused “As in any?”

“The last two”

Jeff watched as Ian drank, a slightly bewildered but mostly amused smile in his face “What did you do? Ask for nudes?”

“No, just asked her if she wanted to have a chat last night, and sent her a good morning text today” he replied bitterly before drinking again, a bit more this time.

“Well, that can’t be good”

“No shit”

Jeff stiffened just a little and took his phone out, nonchalantly texting, as he usually did “If it’s any confort I’m pretty sure she’s not fucking that guy right now”

Ian was struck with annoyance and anger, and shot him a dirty look “Well, at least I’m texting someone” Jeff stopped typing and looked at Ian, serious and hurt. Ian closed his eyes briefly, regretting using that sensitive information just a little bit, and looked away as he said “Sorry, that was shitty”

“Yeah, mine too,” he said, putting his phone away just to look at the bar, same as him. Ian knew that right then, all the pretending and detachment were gone. Right then, they were just two broken people drinking in a bar.

After a moment of silence, Ian spoke softly and carefully, even if it was the truest words he had spoken in the whole day, “Is it weird that I wouldn’t be mad if she went for some slap and tickle with that guy?” Jeff looked at him, but Ian paid almost no mind to him, his eyes were lost in thought, looking slightly downwards, defeated in his own admissio,n “I think I’d be relieved”

“Relieved?”

“Yeah” he nodded, still lost for a moment longer before looking at Jeff “It would mean I wouldn’t have the chance to fuck it up, that it wouldn’t have been me” he raised his glass to drink but before doing so he added, “That’d be a first” even after he drank Jeff didn’t say anything, so he kept going “And it’d be better for her, too. The guy’s a lawyer. Not like you, a good lawyer. For trees and animals and whatnot. And they know each other from fucking ages” he nodded at himself, “I think I’d understand it if her next message is to tell me she realized she’s in love with Nick and she’s never coming back. I’d be happy for her”

Jeff looked at him for a long moment before admitting what they both knew to be true “I don’t think you’d recover, buddy”

Ian looked at him “From losing her?” Jeff nodded hesitantly before drinking. Ian tightened his lips with a face of defeated agreement “Yeah, probably not. But it’s the most likely scenario, so I better brace myself, right?” he drank again, unable to do anything else than felt right.

Jeff looked at him confused and straightened up before saying “Don’t you think there’s a chance?” Ian looked at him, almost by reflex “If you’d get your act together, try to be better for her, do it right. Don’t you think you might end up with her?” Jeff started to sound hopeful, or the closest thing to it that he was capable of “She likes you, god knows why. She might even love you by the looks of it, and I think you probably do, too” a bittersweet smile lightly stuck Ian’s face before he looked away, down at his glass. Winger kept speaking with his relaxed moxie, almost talking like a hype man, a life coach, a religious leader. He looked away as he spoke, it almost seemed like he was talking to himself “You got what every stupid self-absorbed self-hating miserable lonely screw-up wants”

Ian scoffed just lightly, almost incredulous, maybe even annoyed that Winger’s words were giving him hope, “And what’s that?” he asked, still cynical.

“Someone to be better for”

Neither of them spoke for a while; they just drank. The heaviness of the words, of Ian’s mood, kept them in a sort of quiet and solemn calm. Like the calm of the sea before the next tide, unstable, painful, and not actually calm. Ian knew Jeff was right; it was time for that change, just to have the chance to have her, to be good for her, to make it work. If it ever could be, it would only be like that. With him sober, acting right, caring for himself so he could care for her. He wanted to be that. To regain that control, that bright-eyed optimism he once had. He knew she deserved better, and even if he wasn’t sure his best was as good as she deserved, he had to try. For his sake and hers. He’d never forgive himself otherwise. He knew that and he still drank as he thought it, because even if it was true, even if he knew that giving up drinking was part of bettering himself for her, he was so very lonely that night.

After a while, Jeff spoke, straightening himself up as he looked at a dirty-blond girl in a tight black dress who was standing at the back of the room, “Alright, it might still be early, but that girl doesn’t seem to be so self-respecting, and she’s smoking hot”

“Go get ‘em tiger,” Ian said, just slightly tongue in cheek and without much enthusiasm “I’ll head home, thanks for the drink”

Jeff stood up and fixed himself as he said, “I’m not inviting you anything, pay for yourself”

“Yep. Right” Jeff left, and Ian called for the bartender “Give me one more double and put it on his tab” the man nodded.

It wasn’t long before he was drunk at his place, pouring himself another drink in his freshly empty glass. An old comedy tape that he probably already knew completely by heart was playing in the background, but he wasn’t listening to it, he went to pause it when his phone started ringing. He picked it up as soon as he found it “Yellow”

“Hey” his heart picked up its pace as he heard Alex’s voice, he felt mellow. He sat back down on the couch and picked up his drink to give it one more sip “I’m so sorry, my charger broke and I had to buy a new one”

“Is alright” he could hear he was slurring his words, partly from his drunkenness, partly from hearing her voice “How are you?” he asked her, leaving the glass on the coffee table.

“Fine. Just getting ready for bed” she said, Ian could hear some movement from her side of the call, it sounded like ike her taking her clothes off “My feet hurt, we’ve been walking all day”

Slowly, he started leaning against the left armrest to lie down, fixing up the few pillows to make it more comfortable, he finished by turning to his left “Where you’ve been?” he could still hear her moving around, the soft sounds of fabric being removed and placed somewhere else. He couldn't picture where she was exactly, how the bedroom looked or anything like that, but he could see her crystal clear in his mind. Right about then, she'd be pantless, taking her socks off, sitting in the bed, and about to take off her shirt before putting on whatever big shirt she had taken as a pajama.

“We went to this big park, then another. And a museum. We went to the mall, too, got myself a nice coat. Then we went to the pier, and the sunset was beautiful. Then had dinner with some of Nick’s work friends” she probably didn’t know that every ‘we’ was killing him a little bit “They were so fun” he heard how she placed the phone down for a short moment and pick it up not half a minute later, “Did you go out with Winger?”

“Yeah, just came back from there,” he said, turning to face the ceiling and sitting up a little bit. Unsure why but his couch didn't seem to be quite comfortable that day “We had a nice chat” he said, and just as she finished he heard the tiniest little moan escape her lips, or so he thought. He stayed silent for a moment, as she breathed softly by the phone, only a little inflection on her breathing after a few seconds, he asked “What are you doing?”

“Massaging my feet” she says nonchalantly. She shortly sucked in some air from what seemed to be a sore spot “Why?”

“I- No reason” he lied, but her little noises, the alcohol, and the view of the kitchen counter were stirring something in his mind. Alex breathed hitched up with some pain and Ian remained in quiet for just a second. But his impulses got the best of him “What are you wearing”

“Ian!” she said, her amusement noticeable in her voice.

“Sorry,” he did sound sorry, but not quite. There was some movement on Alex's side of the call and the next time she spoke she did so softly

“Your t-shirt”

“Really?” he perked up with her reply, her soft and mellow voice talking in a quiet excitement, testing the limits, getting seduced by his ideas. “Anything else?” he asked, with a quiet voice, in a slightly lower register, enticed by her breathing on the phone which seemed to be growing a little heavy.

She stayed silent for a bit longer but Ian wasn't concerned, she was still there, probably debating whether to answer or not “No” she said very timidly.

“Where are you?”

“In bed” she stated and he heard her shift between the sheets “You?”

“On the couch” he replied, and saw what he had seen before “Looking right at the kitchen counter,” he said, hoping to stir some of those memories in her mind too.

Alex lets go a little breath in a soft laugh “Ian” she warns, breathy voice still intact.

“‘M Sorry, but I am” Again, he didn't sound like it. He was very much glad to have said it, especially if it had the intended effect on her “I just miss you”

“I miss you too, that’s why I have your shirt on” oh, he thought, it is so definitely happening.

“Is it really?” she hums a positive reply, he sank a little bit into the couch “Still smells like me?”

“Yeah”

He grinned ever so slightly, drunk on more than just the booze “So you can picture me there”

“Ian” she complained, but it still sounded just like when he would stop kissing her harder to look at her, just a little bit on edge, just about ready to lose her poise. He could almost see her, biting her lip, hand placed on her hip, a little too close to where she wanted him to be, breathing heavily, just as he heard her through the phone.

“Can you?” he said, hand moving downward to where the bit of tension was starting to present itself. He couldn't help but feel a bit giddy at the idea. He had missed his elections, if he were being honest “Me right above you? Kissing your neck slowly? Touching you right where you want me to?”

“Ian” his hands quickly went under his pants, trying to stimulate himself, picturing it was her doing it. She sounded almost right on point, a little breathy, just slightly tired and a bit disheveled, walls softly torn down

“Yeah?” he asked, eyes closed. It wasn't working just yet, but if she kept saying his name like that, it might.

“Ian, I’m not doing this here”

He stopped himself “Oh”

“I can’t”

“Alright,” he awkwardly took his hands out of his pants and sighted “Sorry,” he said, and he actually sounded like he meant it.

“It’s fine” she said quietly.

There was a silence. Ian didn't know quite what to do. He hoped he hadn't made her uncomfortable, as far as he thought they were both having fun, but maybe that wasn't the case this time, and he was too afraid to ask. He let a silent moment pass and then asked the first thing that came to mind, a question he had been wondering about since before she left.

“How are you holding up there? Without AA, I mean” it was a big change in conversation but he wanted to leave the awkwardness behind.

“Fine” she said, “Nick told me that there’s a meeting nearby on Sunday and Tuesday if I need it, and one after Christmas”

“Do you think you need it?”

“Not sure. Today was fine, it was easy not to drink at dinner”

His heart was pulled a little by an invisible pinch and he asked “Is it not easy here?”

She hesitated, a moment of silence on the speaker before she said “No. I don’t think so”

“Does it bother you when I drink?”

“Ian” she protested, almost as a plea, asking him not to make her hurt him or maybe not to make her talk about it right then.

“It's fine. Just- Do I make it harder?” he said, noting how he slurred the words. She wondered if she could tell, or if she chalked it up to tiredness.

“No? Maybe?” She hesitated, and he felt his heart sink, and hers too “I mean you don’t make it harder, but- your glass does, you know?”

“Yeah”

They stayed in silence for a bit, breathing in each other’s ears a thousand miles away. He felt horrible, like an asshole, a stupid piece of shit who should do better. He heard her shift in bed and breathed out, his ears picked up, just barely skewing sleep thanks to that sound.

“Look I’m- I’m a bit exhausted, can I call you tomorrow morning? We can keep talking about it if you want” she said softly, carefully, sheepishly.

“Sure. And- you can call me whenever you want” he said, still almost asleep

“Thanks. I-” there was a pause “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” he smiled just slightly, nothing else mattered but the sound of her voice.

“Okay” he replied, relaxed, on his way to sleeping.

“Bye” she said sweetly

“Bye” he replied, and Alex hung up “Love you” he said, almost asleep, without even realizing it.

He woke up the next day, with a sore back, sore neck, and a pounding head. He wasn’t sure what to do. Luckily, Alex’s proposed call came through, and they talked as he drank some tea. It was a nice chat where neither of them touched upon the topics of their latest call, only Alex let him know she would go to the meeting to keep herself in check, they laughed about Ian’s morning voice being always so easy to recognize. She told him about her plans for the day and told him about this tradition of Nick’s family that they still uphold. Biweekly morning walks, and it seemed that that day was Walk Day. They said goodbye and she went off to her walk.

He looked around, unsure of what to do. Inertia or loneliness made him pour himself a drink, but he stopped himself as soon as he did. He reminded himself he had to try, at least. So he did. He took a shower and went for a walk. When he came back, he started working on some early lunch and remembered he had his bike down at the storage. He made it his plan for the weekend to fix it up, just to have something to do. As he tried to keep his mind off of alcohol the poured whisky glass and bottle stayed in the same place, gathering dust and little dead flies on the brown liquid as it sat on the kitchen counter. A reminder.

By the time Monday rolled around his apartment was clean, his hair was recently cut, he had figured out what to buy Alex, and his bike was ready to go. He took it downtow. He had forgotten biking could be somewhat extraneous from time to time, especially since he was so out of shape, even if he was mostly just taking a ride, no rush or anything. He got Alex's present, found something sweet he thought she’d like, and went straight to the postal service. He bought a little card to write something and ended up paying for the package to be priority delivery so it would get there on time, most likely. He crossed paths with another professor from Greendale at the grocery shop, one of the bullshit classes, and afterward went back home and had a nice bath and then dinner.

Just before he was about to get ready for bed, after a shower to get the sweat off of him, he got a call from Jeffrey Winger. That’s how he ended up at a party at some random house. Winger ditched him as soon as the girl who invited him told him to accompany her to make themselves a drink. Ian refused the invitation to drink and his friend didn’t even notice, too enthralled by the blonde with big eyes and boobs. He couldn’t blame him, she did have great boobs and a nice face. He was sitting on a couch, next to the girl’s uglier and flatter yet still cute friend, who looked at him with a bit of disappointment when he was first introduced but was growing less avoidant and more agreeable with each passing drink in her hand. He wasn’t sure if Winger had thought things through when he invited him, but the girl he was talking with could at least keep up the conversation they ended up having about psychology and some philosophical ideas, even if she was fairly drunk.

Still, even if Duncan had someone to talk to he still felt out of place, most people at the party seemed younger than him, they were definitely drunker than him. And even if he was sure he had seen Starburns pass by on the other side of the room he still felt like the odd one out. So when a beer landed in his hand he wondered ‘Why not?’ and drank it. An hour later he was three beers, a gin, and eight tequila shots deep with the girl whose name he couldn’t quite recall. Maggie or Maddie, or something like it. They were dancing, like a few other people around them, to some Black Eyed Peas song and she was getting closer. He didn’t mind, he hadn’t quite looked or thought of her in a while. He had forgotten that drinking heavily after even a little while of not drinking felt even better.

For a moment he touched her, the girl with the M name and the thigh little dark green dress, and short straight hair, but she felt different from what he hoped. Her hip was harder than he had grown accustomed to, her waist thinner. She was scrawnier than the body he actually wanted to touch. She put his hands on his shoulder and it felt odd, she had long nails and she reached him with more ease, she was taller. He opened his eyes and there she was, this girl he had no business being near to, and she was getting closer, body almost pressing to his. He felt sick to his stomach. He was an asshole, a piece of shit, he knew he was the worst man to exist, right after his father. He was taking the torch after him and fucking sprinting for the finish line. But he couldn’t do it. Not even if he wanted to because she was tall and pretty and hot and seemed agreeing, maybe even suddenly eager, and he was drunk, and she smelled so nice despite all the alcohol, and maybe because of it. But he couldn’t do it. Not even if she was about to whisper something in his ear, probably something dirty and nice that would make him invite her to his place or go to hers and have him try to fuck her without that haunting thought in his mind. But despite it all, she wasn’t Alex. And he couldn't.

He stepped back before that last spell was cast, right before her lips reached his ear. He said he had to go and practically sprinted to the door. He saw, as he was getting to the exit, how Winger watched him leave, the blonde girl next to him.

Ian walked home with the world spinning around him and he got his phone out of his pocket to check if he had a phone number for a cab but to his surprise, he found a voice message from Alex. He hadn’t even realized she had called. He clicked to listen to it as he kept walking. “Hi, I- you might be sleeping and- I’m sorry I’ve got to do this by a voicemail but- after the meeting yesterday I just kept thinking about it and I think I need to let it out.” there was a sigh, Ian was too drunk to follow the entirety of his feelings, but one thing was sure, he wasn’t feeling good, in more than one way “It is hard for me to see you drink” Ian kept walking, he was pretty sure he was finding his way back “And it’s not just because I wanna drink too. Or because I’m unsure about kissing you afterward, or that I can still smell it on you when I see you after the meetings. It’s- It’s because I know why you do it, like with any-” she hesitated “with any alcoholic.” Ian nodded, almost as if she was telling this to him in person “I hate to see you like that. Not-, not because you’re drunk, but- because you're numbing yourself. When I’m right there.” she sounded so vulnerable, he felt like an absolute dick “I care about you. I-” she sighed a bit more heavily this time, maybe even on the verge of tears by the way her voice sounded as she began speaking again “I care about you and I want you to be fine, to be good. I can help you. We can help each other. I think. Maybe a little” Ian smiled ever so slightly with a bittersweetness to it “And I don’t want to force you into anything but- I want you to be okay” she sounded so sure, it made him hopeful “and I’m sorry if this is the first thing you hear tomorrow but I needed to-” Alex’s voice got cut off and the machine told him that the message was over. She had probably run out of time. He pressed the number one to replay the message and listened to it two more times until he reached the steps of his building, where he ended up sitting to pick up the keys he had dropped, and eventually woke up in the early morning, phone and keys in hand.

He felt even more like shit than he had through the whole week, he felt embarrassed to even look in the mirror. He took a shower and laid on his bed feeling like shit, in every way possible. He felt like a traitor, even if he had stopped himself just in time; his entire body was weak, his head was pounding, and every inch of his back, neck, and other joints felt like they had knives stuck in them. And Alex’s words were stuck in a loop along his usual insults to himself, like a weird signal mix-up. “You fucking asshole” “I care about you” “Useless piece of shit” “I want you to be okay” “You absolute useless wanker” and so he fell asleep.

He got woken up by a small noise from his cell phone. He tried to stand up, but his body ached as he did, so he stretched his arm and slowly reached and got his phone close enough to grab it. It was a text from Alex.

“Are you okay?” it was preceded by two others “Just let me know how you feel” and an earlier one that said “You can call me when you listen to the voicemail” It was almost dark outside, she had been worried the whole day, and he was still an asshole. He called her, not even thinking through what he was going to say. What he could say. He closed his eyes as the phone rang for a moment until she picked up.

“Ian?” she sounded concerned.

“Hi” he sounded like shit. His throat hurt as he spoke, he tried to clear it

“Are you okay?”

“I think I caught a cold last night” he said, trying to put her at ease, still sounding a little bit like a dying patient “I went out with Wingger, and I-” he stopped himself “I drank too much” he couldn’t tell her, not about sleeping on the stairs, not about the girl, not about his latest attempt at sobriety.

“Oh”

“I feel like shit,” he said “Not just because of the cold and the drinking. I heard your message. Several times as I came back home. I-” he sighed and then coughed from the strain on his throat “You’re right” he said “I need to stop and I know it. I’ve known it for a while. Even before meeting you. Now it’s clearer I guess” he wasn’t saying what he actually thought, what Winger had said to him before, he had a reason now. He knew he couldn’t say that to her. “I’ll try”

“Good” she said softly “Thank you”

“I’m sorry if I got you worried today”

“It’s alright. You’re worrying me more now with that voice and cough” she admitted “I can call Abed if you need help, or Jeff”

“No, no, it’s fine”

“You sure?” he hummed an affirmative “At least make yourself some tea with lemon or honey, please?”

“Sure”

“Do you have a fever?” He put his hand on his forehead, he was burning up, or his hand was way too cold

“I don’t think so”

“Alright” she said, unsure “Keep it in check?”

“It’s just a cold Alex. I’ll be fine” he tried to put her at ease “I'm going to make myself that tea and then probably go back to sleep. You go and enjoy the night, alright?”

“Alright” she said, unsure “I’ll call you tomorrow” she reassured.

When they finally ended the call Ian made himself a chamomile tea with lemon and honey and went to sleep. Throwing away the glass of whisky that still was on the counter. The next morning, still feeling like shit, after talking to Alex and saying he felt better, he made himself another tea and added some vodka he saw on the liquor cabinet. And so he kept going unsure of what day it was as he fell asleep and made himself another tea when he woke up, with no sense of time or amount of his alcohol intake. His only one tether with reality, Alex, and her texts, they had a few calls but short and far between, because he said his throat was still not recovering which was true but he merely used it as an excuse. In reality, he didn’t want her to hear him drunk at whatever hour it was, especially when he was supposed to try and stay sober.

When the twenty-fourth arrived Alex sent him a text to have a call. He said yes, that he would call after a nap, and so he called her after sobering up a bit. He practiced to get his voice to sound better, both in quality and modulation. He finally called her and she picked up,

“Hey”

“Hey” Alex replied, sounding a little off.

“All good?”

“Kinda” she sighed “I just had a call with my mom. She’s still angry I left and it’s just a bit- I don’t know” she hesitated “She knows how to bring me down”

“Moms” he resoluted “Can’t live with them, wouldn’t be alive without them”

Alex chuckled slightly “Yeah”

He knew that wasn’t enough, he tried to scratch some part of his brain for a good thing to say “Look, don't let her get you down. You had to leave for a little, there’s nothing wrong with that”

“It’s Christmas” she said, seemingly repeating what her mom had said.

“There’ll be a Christmas next year” he said “Just focus on the nice memories and good time you’re having there”

“Yeah, you’re right” she said, and took a breath before speaking again, a little more upbeat “You sound way too optimistic for someone who just woke up from a nap with the worst cold ever”

“I guess it’s just nice to wake up to your voice”

“How's the cold?”

“Better” he wasn’t lying, alcohol or not, the tea worked “Did your present arrive?”

“Yep, this morning” she said “Nice wrapping paper” he thanked her; he had used the one with rabbits and flowers in a Sarah Kay style, he’d figured she’d like it “Did yours?”

“No, must’ve been some mistake with the postal service”

“I’m sure it’ll arrive anytime now”

They talked for another minute or two before she let him know she had to go and help with dinner. They wished each other a merry Christmas and hung up. Ian kept drinking his little mix of Christmas joy and recovery as he watched The Muppets Christmas Carol. He was almost at the end of the movie when a knock came to his door. He stood up and went to open it, stumbling a bit along the way. Abed's face greeted him on the other side of the door, a box wrapped in holiday-decorated paper in his hands. “Merry Christmas” he said and extended the box to him. Ian took it, confused “Hope you found the meaning of Christmas, Duncan”

“Yeah, thanks.” he said, still a bit startled “I don’t have anything for you”

“It’s fine”

He looked back at his empty apartment “Want a drink?”

“I don’t drink,” Abed replied.

“Why?”

Abed shrugged and looked at something behind him “Great movie”

Ian looked back at his TV for a moment “Yeah”

“Didn’t figure you for a muppets guy”

“I mean, they’re great”

“Yeah“ Abed nodded “I’ll let you know if we ever do a muppets episode”

“Sure” Ian said, unsure and still a bit unnerved by Abed’s previous breakdown, wondering if that was a sign of his next possible delusion. Still, he said “I’m watching The Christmas Toy afterward if you want to pop in”

“No, thanks. I’m watching Die Hard with Troy. He doesn’t celebrate Christmas but that doesn’t mean he can’t watch a movie” Abed looked at him, a bit more acutely, maybe seeing something in his semblance “You can join us if you want”

“No, it's fine. I think I’ll stick to the muppets”

Abed nodded “Merry Christmas, Duncan” and turned around to leave.

“Yeah you too” he replied as he closed the door. He walked a few steps into the apartment, unsure where to leave the box. There was no tree to leave it under, and he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to open it. As he looked around, he caught a glimpse of himself in his bathroom mirror. He looked like shit, stained white shirt, his hair was a mess, he had a bit of an overgrown stubble, he could see some of the mess of his apartment through the mirror, and in the middle of that whole shitshow, in his hands, the neatly wrapped gift, it seemed to be the only lively thing in the entire place. He looked like shit, he felt like shit, he wanted to be better but it all felt too much, he felt too screwed up to even try. He hated himself for it.

Ian opened the box without thinking much of it, trying to stop his downward spiral in some way. There was a sweater with a brown and grey argyle pattern on top of black on the chest and unpatterned sleeves. He picked it up with a faint, timid smile but froze slightly as he saw something under it. He left the sweater to the side of the box and picked up the hardcover book under it. He froze as he saw what it was.

She got him a Paddington book.