Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first thing Jaemin thinks is I have to tell Jeno.  

The second thing he thinks is I can’t tell Jeno.

Truthfully, he’s not sure which is correct. Maybe both. 

Jaemin wraps his fingers around the smooth white plastic of the pregnancy test, as if concealing those little pink lines will make any of this less real. It’s one of three, actually, but he only needed the one. He doesn’t have the heart to do two more and be triply reminded of this absolute disaster. He’s not sure what to do with it, and he feels this urge to hide it— Though for what purpose, he isn’t sure; the clerk obviously knew what he was buying (“Tell her good luck for me, okay?” and when Jaemin had retreated into the bathroom he whispered “Good luck” to himself), and any of the strangers, or maybe even acquaintances, as the local gas station bathroom is certainly not a hiding spot exclusive to him, would never be able to trace it back to him. He’s reminded again that men’s restrooms don’t have sanitary bags, just like how he’s reminded every month whenever he uses a public restroom, and somehow that makes it worse. There’s no one else in this restroom, at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday, but the idea of stepping out of the stall and stashing the used pregnancy test in the garbage somehow makes him even more ashamed. 

He and Jeno have always been careful— At least, for the most part. Jeno spent his teenage years messing around with cis boys and never worried about condoms, and his assurance that “nothing will happen” when Jaemin reaches into their bed stand and realizes that he doesn’t have one is unwavering. Jaemin tries to remember the last time they had sex without a condom. It was a stupid, messy encounter, in the living room of their tiny apartment, of all places, because Jaemin had class in twenty minutes and Jeno had just gotten back from work. When Jaemin had said “Wait, baby, I don’t have any condoms on me, can you grab one?” Jeno waved it off and reminded him, “Baby, you’re on birth control, remember?” And Jaemin was so horny and so in love and so sure that Jeno was right, it would be okay, that he went along with it. It wasn’t like it was the first time, and it wasn’t going to be the last. 

Except, it isn’t okay, nothing is okay, because now Jaemin has a baby growing inside him and his brain tells him no way can he and Jeno handle this right now. They just moved in together, the summer after their sophomore year of college, and they’re doing fine, for two college students. Not for two parents and a baby, Jaemin thinks, and he chews on his bottom lip. 

It’s not like they’re barely scraping by, they make ends meet nicely; Jeno has an internship and Jaemin has two jobs, even though Jeno told him he only needed the one. “Just in case,” Jaemin pushed back, and Jeno gave in eventually, and it had turned out to be a rather good decision. Jaemin’s second job ensured that their rent was paid when Jeno’s work flooded and he had to take a two-week unpaid hiatus, that Jaemin’s car got fixed when the engine failed, that he could sneak sweets into the shopping cart whenever they went grocery shopping. Jeno would pretend to be annoyed, and Jaemin would teasingly remind him “I’m paying for them,” and Jeno would break out into a rueful smile, because they both knew that even if Jaemin wasn’t paying for them with his extra money, Jeno would buy them for him anyway.

But adding a baby into this mess— The sheer resources they would need, not to mention the medical appointments, not to mention their one bed, one bath, living-room-slash-kitchen combo area is only just big enough for the two of them. Certainly not a tiny baby. Do they even have a backyard? Jaemin can’t even remember.

And yet, he can’t help but be a little excited. A little proud. A little happy, a little of everything, which he pushed down the moment he saw those two pink lines, but there’s no point in denying it now. There’s a baby inside him, half Jeno and half him, and he pats his stomach before he even realizes what he’s doing. He stops abruptly. I can’t get used to this, he thinks, and the only thing that makes sense to him is getting an abortion. But, Jaemin thinks, he’s not strong enough to do that. It scares him, and besides, he doesn’t think he wants an abortion. 

There are a million things going through Jaemin’s head, namely, Jeno, Planned Parenthood, wishing he was more stern with Jeno about using protection, this baby, how his family is going to react, how Jeno is going to react, when the fuck he can even tell Jeno, his jobs, and the terrifying idea of paternity leave, which in turn leads to the stark fear of being unable to afford their rent. He drops the hand holding the test and raises his other arm to his face, covering his eyes and wishing this was all just a dream. 

The bathroom door flies open, a loud bang echoing off of the tile floor, and Jaemin freezes. Whoever it is uses the urinal and leaves without washing his hands (disgusting) giving not a single thought to the guy standing with his back against the door in the last stall, and Jaemin breathes a sigh of relief. He realizes that he needs to get out, now, he’s been in here long enough. He unbolts the stall door and creeps over to the sink, wrapping the one used and two unused pregnancy tests in a wad of paper towels and throwing them into the trash can under the sink. Hopefully that’s enough. He washes his hands and steps out the door, but for some reason, he stops, one foot in between the door and the doorjamb. He glances behind him, like he’s leaving something behind, and maybe he is: He already knows that he’ll remember this specific moment as the one that split his life into two parts, a before and an after. Jaemin shakes the weird feeling crawling up his bones and heads out of the gas station as quickly as possible.

⭑

Jaemin tests the waters with Jeno whenever he feels bold, putting an awful lot of energy into projecting a nonchalant persona which is more convincing in his head than in real life. Luckily, Jeno doesn’t seem to notice the difference. The first time is two days later.

“Jen, do you ever worry about getting me pregnant?” 

Jeno, from the kitchen table, looks up from his calculus homework and chews on the top of his pen. “No,” he says finally, and Jaemin scoffs.

“That’s dense,” he responds, and Jeno turns back to his homework.

“Baby, you’re on birth control, and we use condoms.”

“Not enough,” Jaemin interjects. The word baby sounds so different to him now and it comes with a whole slew of confusing feelings, a combination of unease and pride. Jeno looks up at him again, putting his pen down this time.

“What’s gotten into you?” he asks, but it’s not accusatory, just curious. Jaemin raises a hand to his mouth unconsciously, chewing on his fingernails. 

“Nothing, just, we don’t use condoms all the time. And we should.” 

Jeno can tell that this is important to Jaemin, so he nods. “Okay. You’re right, and I’m sorry. We’ll use them every time, I promise.” Jaemin gives him a small smile, and they sit in silence for a moment. Jeno is about to go back to his homework again, sensing an end to this conversation, but words come tumbling out of Jaemin’s mouth faster than either of them are expecting.

“Birth control only works 99% of the time,” he blurts, and Jeno raises an eyebrow. 

“What’s with you?” he asks again. “Come here.” 

Jaemin goes dutifully, plopping down in Jeno’s lap and letting Jeno bury his face in Jaemin’s shoulder, kissing his neck before speaking again.

“Everything’s fine, baby. I’m not going to get you pregnant. Stop worrying, okay?” Jaemin can tell by the intonation of Jeno’s voice that he’s not taking this too seriously, but he’s putting a front on for Jaemin, and he appreciates that. It’s not enough to quell his worry, though, nor his curiosity.

“What if you did, though,” Jaemin asks tentatively, feeling brave, “Get me pregnant, I mean.”

Jeno is quiet for a beat, and his lips stop moving up Jaemin’s neck.

“We’d figure it out,” he says eventually, and he sounds so sure, so positive, that Jaemin almost believes him. “Seriously, is everything okay?” 

Jaemin shrugs, jostling Jeno’s head where it’s still resting on his shoulder. “I was just thinking. It’s scary, you know. Knowing you could get pregnant. Men aren’t supposed to have to worry about that,” he laments, and Jeno sighs. 

“Jaemin, baby. It’s okay. That is scary, but I promise you, if it happens— Which it won’t— We will figure it out. I’m lucky that you do have to worry about it, for when we do want kids,” he teases, squeezing Jaemin’s sides, and Jaemin squeals before jumping off of him, putting on an air of disgust. 

“Gross, and weird,” he sniffs, crossing his arms, and Jeno grins at him. 

“I love you so much, Jaemin,” he coos, grabbing Jaemin’s waist and pulling him back, closer to him. “Every single part of you. All of your holes.” Jaemin’s jaw drops, and he shimmies out from Jeno’s grip, running toward their bedroom. 

“You’re disgusting, Jeno,” he shouts behind him, but he’s not serious, and he slams the bedroom door shut before throwing himself onto their bed, burying his smiling face into the mattress. Jeno comes barrelling in after him and flops down right on top of him, pressing kisses to Jaemin’s cheeks and the top of his head, no matter how hard Jaemin tries (not really) to get him off. 

“Maybe I am, but you love me,” he sing-songs, and Jaemin bites the insides of his cheeks to keep from smiling more. Eventually Jeno rolls off of him, and Jaemin turns over onto his back, staring at the ceiling. Jeno grabs Jaemin’s hand and squeezes it, and Jaemin turns to look at him. “Now will you quit with the baby talk?” He’s joking, because he doesn’t know that Jaemin isn’t, but Jaemin will let it slide for now. 

“I was just saying,” he pretends to sulk, and Jeno climbs back on top of him and kisses him silly.

Jaemin tries again two and a half months into his pregnancy, when they’re curled up on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy and one of the characters gives birth. Jaemin wonders if his birth will be like that one, or if they made it look easier on screen. Everything always looks easier on screen.

“Do you ever think about it?” Jaemin asks, coming off (he hopes) as absent-minded, but he has a very clear purpose in mind when he poses this question.

“Do I ever think about giving birth?” Jeno deadpans, and Jaemin smacks him on the shoulder. 

“Dumbass. What do you think?” 

“What do I think you’re talking about, or what do I think about giving birth?” Jaemin pointedly ignores him and Jeno rolls his eyes. “No, Jaemin, I don’t really think about you having a baby. We’re twenty. I’ll try not to think about it until we’re actually ready for kids.” This isn’t exactly the ideal answer that Jaemin wanted, but it’s certainly not the worst, and besides, Jeno has no idea why he’s badgering him like this and is probably just trying to shut him up. Still, it makes his stomach twist a little.

“Twenty isn’t that young,” Jaemin says, more to himself than anything, but Jeno still hears.

“Twenty is young to have a kid, Jaem. Do you have baby fever? Is that what this is?” He’s clearly joking, but Jaemin doesn’t laugh. Jeno pokes him in the stomach. “When we have kids, we’ll be older, more experienced. Richer.” Another joke, and this time Jaemin does laugh. 

“You never know,” he says vaguely, and Jeno wonders about that statement for the rest of the evening.

The third time, Jaemin abandons any type of subtlety and just straight up asks Jeno, as he brushes his teeth and Jeno combs his hair back before work.

“Baby, do you want kids? Right now?” 

Jeno looks at him in the mirror. “Um, not ideally. I don’t know how we’d pay for it. Seriously, Jaemin, I’m getting worried. Is there something you’re not telling me?” The slight raise in the corners of his lips suggest he’s joking, like he always is about this, and Jaemin sort of wishes he was joking, too. Jeno is pretty convinced that Jaemin does have baby fever and just won’t say it, but little does he know. Jaemin wishes he only had baby fever.

“No,” Jaemin flat-out lies, spitting his toothpaste into the sink, and he doesn’t say another word as he slinks out of the bathroom.

⭑

Jaemin’s pregnancy is kind to him, but that doesn’t make it any easier to hide from Jeno.

He meets with an Ob-Gyn within a week, and his worst fear (at least, what he thinks is his worst fear) is confirmed. He doesn’t cry, thankfully, because he’s accepted his fate at this point, and the woman is really, really nice and answers all his nervous questions with ease. He asks her about feeding the baby, when the time comes, because he got top surgery when he turned 18 and a situation like this was the last thing on his mind. She reassures him that 5% of child-bearers can’t breastfeed, and tells him the best formulas to use, which he types onto a locked note on his iPhone. He tries his best to schedule any appointments when Jeno will be at work, but it doesn’t always work out, what with the office’s availability and his own schedule, so sometimes he has to make things up and leave before Jeno can ask any questions. He starts working longer hours at his jobs, too, trying to make as much money as he can while he’s able to, contrary to his very kind doctor’s advice to take it easy. He doesn’t tell Jeno about that, either. He knows it will only make Jeno more concerned, so he makes up even more excuses, and it breaks his heart how good he gets at lying to Jeno. Jaemin knows that Jeno knows something is off, but he doesn’t ask, so Jaemin doesn’t tell. He has enough on his plate already.

On the rare occasions he does get sick, always in the morning and always when it’s still dark out, he rushes into the bathroom and shoves a towel into the space under the door in order to block any light or sound. Luckily, Jeno is a heavy sleeper, and Jaemin always wakes up earlier than him anyway. There is one day that he just can’t get out of bed, though, and Jeno calls into work for both of them and spends the whole day by Jaemin’s side. Jaemin is riddled with guilt the entire time, because he doesn’t just have a stomach bug, like he told Jeno, but telling Jeno the real reason behind his ailment is too scary to fathom. 

“Go to work,” he begs Jeno, but Jeno is not budging. 

“Baby, you look like you’re about to die. I’m not leaving you.” 

“Jen, I promise, I’ll be okay,” Jaemin says, and he has to close his eyes for a moment because he feels so nauseous and he’s started to see two Jenos hovering over him. 

“Baby, you don’t know that,” Jeno argues, but Jaemin does know that, he just can’t tell Jeno because he’s a coward. He already knows Jeno isn’t going to leave him, not when he’s like this, and it breaks his heart, because Jeno is so determined and loyal to him even when he’s lying to his face about something so important.

Jeno seems mildly concerned when Jaemin declares he’s fine the next day and heads right back to work, but Jaemin tries to assure him that everything is okay and he must have just gotten lucky and “it” passed.

The cravings are the worst, and the hardest to disguise. He finds himself turning his nose up at a lot of the things that either of them make for dinner, but he either forces it down or lies that he ate earlier. Simultaneously, he’ll eat entire packages of food they hardly ever have, and Jeno raises his eyebrows at Jaemin’s sudden interest in Oreos and sesame bagels. He walks in on Jaemin stuffing his face more than once, and he’s usually quiet until he’s engaged, but these days Jaemin is always in the mood to engage. 

“What, can’t a guy like snacks?” Jaemin grumbles one evening when Jeno wanders into the room and he takes note of his raised eyebrows. 

“Yes, but maybe you shouldn’t eat an entire family size box of Oreos for dinner,” Jeno answers, gentle but stern, and Jaemin gives him a withering look. 

“Come here,” he says, and of course Jeno goes because he does whatever Jaemin wants, no matter how much of a grump he’s being. “Open,” Jaemin orders, and when Jeno does he shoves an Oreo in his mouth. “There. Now I didn’t eat the whole container. Right?” Jeno shakes his head, chomping his Oreo loudly and sticking his hand out for the rest of them. Jaemin lets Jeno put them away and sneaks out to grab them again when Jeno falls asleep at night.

His sex drive is also all over the place. Some days, all he wants is to cancel all of his and Jeno’s engagements and jump his bones like they’re wild animals, and then other times Jeno tries to kiss him and kissing him back feels like a chore. He tries really hard, one day, to convince Jeno to skip class just so they can have sex— He would have succeeded, but Jeno had an exam, something Jaemin will never forgive Jeno’s philosophy teacher for. 

“Jeno, daddy, just stay,” he begs, pouting, grinding down on where he’s planted firmly in Jeno’s lap. In his sex-crazed brain, completely flooded with hormones, he giggles, because Jeno doesn’t know the secret double meaning behind Jaemin calling him ‘daddy’ but Jaemin does.

“I wish I could, baby,” Jeno says, kissing him before pulling away, cupping his face in his hands. 

“You can,” Jaemin whines, and Jeno sighs. 

“I really need to do well on this exam, darling,” he says, lifting Jaemin carefully out of his lap, who promptly flops on his back on the love seat next to their couch. “Later, I promise,” Jeno had said before he got up and gathered all of his stuff for class, and he’d said it again before he bolted out the door. Except, when he got back Jaemin was feeling unenthralled and lethargic. They had sex after all, because Jeno always keep his promises, and Jaemin faked his orgasm, which was something he hadn’t had to do in a long time. 

On the bright side, he doesn’t have the added nuisance of his period, which is just as nice as he had expected it to be. Jeno, who knows his cycle well, even comments, “I haven’t heard you complain about cramps in a while, you feeling okay?” Jaemin gives him a half-hearted smile and says “I guess I’ve been lucky,” and changes the subject. He wonders if Jeno has noticed how conveniently “lucky” he’s been lately.

He doesn’t start to show for a while, despite his fears that with how thin he was, it would be rather obvious, but his worries are unfounded. He starts to wonder if there is a god or someone looking out for him. But he does put on weight, just in places that he didn’t expect, his hips and his thighs, which Jeno definitely notices and is pleased with. 

“Stop,” Jaemin whines one day when he’s laying on the floor (with his stomach on a pillow, for the sake of the baby), doing his homework, kicking his feet up behind him, and Jeno spreads his thighs and settles in between them on his knees. He doesn’t do anything too horny, thankfully, because Jaemin needs to get this assignment done before he goes to work. He just runs his hands up and down Jaemin’s thighs, squeezing a lot, and Jaemin smirks to himself. “Stop,” he says again, but he doesn’t want Jeno to stop, and Jeno knows.

“Mm, I don’t wanna,” Jeno responds, “You’re so sexy, you know that?” 

Jaemin scoffs. “Why, just because I gained a few pounds?” 

Jeno is silent for a second, and then he says “Maybe,” smiling to himself, and Jaemin smiles too, despite himself. 

“Gross,” Jaemin says, and Jeno tickles his sides, making him shriek and flip onto his back. Jeno hovers over him, moving so his knees are on either side of Jaemin’s. “Don’t,” Jaemin warns him, but Jeno just smirks at him and then his hands are all on the insides of Jaemin’s thighs again, moving steadily higher. “You’re so horny,” Jaemin says, laughing when Jeno lowers himself on top of Jaemin and starts kissing his neck. 

“I’m not, you’re just so sexy,” is Jeno’s response, and Jaemin laughs again, nudging Jeno’s face out of the crook of his neck with his fingers so that he can kiss him. 

Other than that, none of Jaemin’s bodily changes are too noticeable, and he gets good at tactfully concealing his stomach without making it too obvious what he’s doing.

Jaemin wanders in the bathroom one day when Jeno’s preoccupied, and he pushes the door half-closed and pulls his shirt up, examining himself. He doesn’t look that different, but when he turns sideways he’s got a clear little bump, which makes him feel a different kind of butterflies in his stomach. He cocks his head at his reflection. From straight on, he looks almost the same: only two faint surgical scars on his chest suggesting anything was ever different. He turns sideways again. If he sucks in, it almost looks like—

Jeno knocks lightly on the door before pushing it open, and Jaemin quickly lets his shirt fall back down as Jeno steps into the bathroom.

“Everything okay? I heard you come in here a while ago and I never heard you come out.” Jeno gives Jaemin a playful smile, but there’s something in his eyes that suggests anything but. Worry, Jaemin recognizes. He tries to give what he thinks is a reassuring smile back as he answers him. 

“I’m fine,” is all he says, because all of his many excuses he’s made up any time Jeno’s caught him in a potentially compromising situation have flown from his mind. “I was just…” He gestures at the mirror before letting his hand fall back down. Jeno steps closer to him, wrapping his arms around Jaemin from behind and resting his head on Jaemin’s shoulder. Jaemin prays he doesn’t notice anything unusual where Jeno’s arms are tucked around Jaemin’s stomach.

“Baby, be honest with me. What’s wrong?” Jeno asks, and he meets Jaemin’s gaze in the mirror. Jaemin drops it almost immediately.

“Nothing, Jeno. I’m fine.” Jeno sighs.

“I… Jaemin, will you be honest with me?” 

“I am,” Jaemin replies weakly. They both know he’s lying.

“I know that you lose weight when you’re stressed and when you’re anxious. You get thin— I know you think I don’t notice, but I do. And now, you’re filling out more, and you look amazing, so I was wondering… Does that mean you’re doing really good?” 

Jeno sounds so hopeful, so sincere, that Jaemin almost breaks his resolve right then and there. But he stops himself, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment before he answers. “I guess so,” Jaemin says softly, and he turns his head so he can press his lips to Jeno’s. He hopes Jeno finds some sort of answer in his kiss. Everything he’s too scared to tell him. Jeno doesn’t deserve to bear this burden, not yet, he thinks. 

He doesn’t know if he believes that.

⭑

All of Jaemin’s fear is rooted in two main concerns: Jeno not wanting the baby, and by association not wanting him, and worrying Jeno about money. Jaemin knows that they’re fine, financially, but he doesn’t know if they’ll be able to afford this baby when the time comes, unless he hatches a plan in between now and then that results in them developing some new sort of wealth. He’s not having any luck so far, and he tells himself that by not telling Jeno, he’s saving Jeno the stress he’s feeling and bearing it all by himself. 

Little does Jaemin know, Jeno does want to help, wants to alleviate his worries, wants to support him, even though he doesn’t know what’s going on. And yet, Jaemin is adamant to himself that this is his fault, it’s his mess he got himself into, and Jeno shouldn’t have to deal with it. He’ll find a way to work it all out and tell Jeno then, spare him the stress, he swears to himself and the baby.

At the same time, though, Jaemin almost wishes that it was more obvious that he was pregnant, that he had a rough pregnancy or showed more or even just gained more weight, because then he’d have to tell Jeno instead of going to bed every night relieved that he doesn’t. Part of him, a shitty, selfish part of him, wishes that Jeno would just connect the dots and figure it out himself, but with Jaemin working overtime to quell all his suspicions and subdue himself, Jeno doesn’t get the chance.

It’s still there, though. Jaemin is really good at covering for himself, but it becomes clearer and clearer that there’s something he’s not telling Jeno. Jeno brushes it off for a while, but there are some things that he just can’t ignore. It’s all the worst things, though, that he picks up on— It’s not the eating patterns, or the weight gain, or the mysterious lack of complaining when Jaemin’s supposed to be on his period. It’s the last minute “Sorry, baby, I can’t make it for dinner, something came up” texts, it’s the way Jaemin sometimes doesn’t seem into it at all when they have sex, it’s the way he wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes and Jaemin’s not cuddling with him in bed, he’s in the living room, alone. As if he doesn’t want to be around Jeno.

You’re crazy, Jeno tells himself, Jaemin loves you. He doesn’t doubt that, not in the slightest. He knows Jaemin loves him, which is why he feels all the more confused as to why Jaemin is hiding something from him. Something big. The days tick by, and suddenly everything Jaemin does adds fuel to Jeno’s sad little fire. I’ll talk to him, he decides one night after Jaemin is mysteriously absent all evening— This time with no precursory text. There’s something growing in the pit of his stomach that he can’t ignore anymore. He twists his fingers together and hopes that he’s wrong.

⭑

“Can we talk?” Jeno asks the second Jaemin steps into their apartment, making him jump. It’s just after 11:30 p.m. He picked up a late shift at the diner, and Jeno is usually asleep when he gets home this late. But Jeno is most certainly awake now, perched on the edge of the sofa, obviously waiting impatiently for Jaemin to arrive.

“Yes,” Jaemin says, and he’s cautious, because he knows where this conversation will inevitably go and he’s not sure if he’s ready for it. He knows, they both know, that Jaemin’s been hiding something, that Jaemin’s been secretive about something. He’s lied about where he’s going when he has appointments, sometimes neglecting to tell Jeno at all when he’ll be gone and leaving Jeno to come home to an empty house and wait anxiously for Jaemin to come home from wherever he is, making some vague excuse about traffic or errands. It’s hard for him to keep things from Jeno, and it gets harder by the day, so he’s taken to keeping some distance between them and closing himself off, though it hurts. He knows now, just from looking at Jeno’s face, that he’s made a mistake.

Jaemin heads into the kitchen, putting a bag of leftovers into the fridge and washing his hands. Jeno follows him inside, leaning up against one counter with his arms crossed, and after Jaemin finishes drying his hands he turns to face him, gripping onto the other counter so hard his knuckles turn white.

“Are you seeing somebody?” Jeno demands, straight out of the blue, and Jaemin’s mouth opens, then closes, then opens again. He was expecting wheedling and some mild suspicion, but not this. Not such a wild accusation, hurled at him from across the kitchen, from Jeno, who Jaemin can clearly see, now, at least, that through the crossed arms and the cutting words and the demeanor of anger, is hurt.

“Jeno, no, of course not,” Jaemin says softly. He’d never even considered that Jeno might think this was a possibility, because to him, it was so far out of the question that he would never even dare to think of it. He can see now that it was a mistake to keep everything from Jeno for so long, because the lies he’s told, the evenings he’s been absent, the barrier he’s put up between them, has resulted in this. It’s probably the only scenario that Jeno could come up with, because, Jaemin hates to admit, it makes sense, and he hates to think that this idea has been festering inside Jeno for so long. 

“Then what is it?” Jeno asks, and now it’s clear to both of them that he’s been torn apart over this for days, “What are you keeping from me?” His eyes are shining, and he doesn’t look close to tears yet, but Jaemin knows they’re coming. 

“Jeno,” Jaemin says, and he steps closer to him. Carefully, he uncrosses Jeno’s arms, taking Jeno’s hands in his own. Jeno looks first at their interlocking fingers, then at Jaemin’s face, then down at their fingers again. He’s silent, and it hurts. “Jeno,” Jaemin says again, and Jeno meets his gaze again, and now his eyes are brimming with tears. 

Jaemin doesn’t know how to go about this. He’s never been in a situation like this before, never known anyone who’s been in a situation like this before, and this is a bombshell that he knows Jeno (and deep down, he, too) is not ready for. There’s no use in skirting around the question anymore, he’s been doing that unknowingly for days, so he decides the best way is to just say it. 

“I’m pregnant,” Jaemin says, and his stomach is in knots and his heart is pounding, and he’s so so scared, but he says those two words loud and clear, unwavering, and holds Jeno’s gaze.

The silence is deafening. Jaemin wants to cry. Jeno hasn’t said a word, and Jaemin is both bursting to hear and terrified of hearing what Jeno says next. 

“So that’s what this was all about,” Jeno whispers, and Jaemin doesn’t know if this is good or bad, and he certainly doesn’t know what to say, so he waits for Jeno to say something else. To yell, or get upset, or kick him out, or break up with him— It hits him all at once how unfair this was to Jeno. This baby is half Jeno, but Jeno has been none the wiser for four whole months. Maybe if he had told Jeno a while ago they could have worked this out, could have avoided this, and Jaemin just hopes deep down in his heart of hearts that Jeno takes this well. He knows he owes Jeno more answers, and he waits anxiously to give them. 

But Jeno doesn’t say anything else, he unlinks their fingers and throws his arms around Jaemin’s neck, pulling him close and hugging him so so tight. Jaemin starts to cry, out of relief or happiness or just plain adrenaline, and he hugs Jeno back, clutching onto his back like he’s a lifeline.

They pull apart, but Jeno links his arms snugly around Jaemin’s waist, and Jaemin places his hands on Jeno’s chest. 

“Really?” Jeno asks, in awe, and Jaemin knows he’s just asking because it seems so unfathomable, or maybe incredible, or even both, and he nods, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Jeno, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know— I was scared— I was waiting for the right time, I guess, because I was terrified and I didn’t want to worry you and I wanted to be sure—” He takes a deep breath. “Is… Are you…?”

Jeno beams. “A baby,” he whispers, like the word is foreign to him, because it has a whole new meaning now. “You— We— A baby, Jaemin. We’re going to have a baby.” Jaemin smiles too, and then Jeno’s grin falters again, hesitant. “So this whole time— Sneaking around, lying to me… Jaemin, why didn’t you tell me?” There’s hurt brandishing every word, and it makes Jaemin’s heart sting. 

“I don’t know,” Jaemin admits, “I was so scared. I didn’t know how you’d react, and I didn’t want to stress you out. It’s a terrible excuse, I know.” He gives Jeno a weak smile and Jeno reaches up to caress his face with his hand.

 “How long…?”

“About four months,” Jaemin replies, “I didn’t know until maybe six weeks? I thought I was just late, but then I took a pregnancy test, and I thought I’d ruined everything, and I was so scared… I thought that hiding it from you was the best thing, I don’t know why, and I thought about getting rid of it but… I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I’m sorry, Jeno. I should have told you a long time ago.” 

Jeno pulls Jaemin into another hug, and when he releases him, Jaemin sinks down onto the floor, tugging Jeno down with him. Jeno takes one of Jaemin’s hands, pulling it to his mouth and kissing each of his knuckles. 

“Jaemin, I’d never ask you to do that. Ever. But if that was what you wanted— Is that what you want?” He peers at Jaemin curiously, and Jaemin shakes his head adamantly. 

“No. I couldn’t, Jeno, I can’t. I don’t want to.”

Jeno gives him a small smile. “If you’d wanted to, it would be okay. But I’m glad you don’t. I just wish… Jaemin, I wish you had told me. I’m sorry you had to go through this alone.” He looks so forlorn that Jaemin pats him softly on the cheek.

“It’s okay, Jeno. I’m okay. You’re here now, and I’m not alone anymore. You don’t have to be sorry for anything, you didn’t know, and that’s my fault. I’m so sorry, Jeno.” He bites his lip. “I have an ultrasound tomorrow, if you want to come,” he offers shyly, and Jeno’s whole face lights up. 

“Of course I want to come! When will we find out if it’s a boy or a girl?” He sounds so eager that Jaemin’s heart swells, and he laughs.

“Maybe tomorrow, but don’t get your hopes up.” Jaemin scoots over to sit cross-legged next to Jeno, laying his head on Jeno’s shoulder. “I’m so glad you finally know. Keeping it from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I was so… Unsure.”

Jeno ruffles his hair and kisses the top of his head. “I’m just glad that you told me. Jaemin, you never have to worry about telling me anything. I promise you I’ll always be here, I’ll always want to help. I even promised you we’d figure it out if we had a baby back when I thought you were just talking crazy, but I meant it, and it’s true.”

“I didn’t want you to have to worry about money,” Jaemin admits. “I guess I thought I could hatch some master plan to make more money before I told you, take some of the stress off, but I was just being foolish. I’ll just have to work more hours for as long as I can.”

“I’ll get another job,” Jeno says suddenly, “I can make it work. I can. And I’ll have a reference from my internship. We’ll make it work, Jaemin.” He pauses, and then he leans down, closer to Jaemin’s stomach. “We’ll make it work, little one,” he says softly, patting Jaemin’s tummy, and Jaemin flushes. 

“I’m glad you finally know,” Jaemin says again. 

“Me too, Jaem.”

⭑

It’s a girl. 

They throw a little gender-reveal-party-slash-babyshower at their apartment, which seems even smaller with all their friends squished inside. All of their friends are in college, just like them, but they still turn up with diapers and baby books and teeny-tiny socks, and every gift brings Jaemin closer to tears, because he’s just so grateful and excited and happy. They have pink frosted cupcakes and soda and that’s about it, but it’s fun nonetheless. 

Their parents are shocked, wary, and apprehensive, but the idea grows on them rather quickly. Both Jeno’s and his own mom start making random drops by the house, bringing old baby toys they just knew they had stashed in the attic years ago for this very reason, or two heaping plates of whatever they had cooked for dinner that night, one significantly fuller than the other, or just to check on Jaemin and make sure everything is going smoothly and that he feels 100%. Even Jaemin’s dad eventually texts him an article listing where to get the most bang for your buck when it comes to shopping for baby supplies, which he swears he saw on Facebook, but Jaemin’s mom confides in him that he’s taken to bumbling around on Pinterest and typing in “first baby,” looking for such articles to send to his son.

Contrary to all of Jaemin’s secret fears, Jeno is the proudest soon-to-be-father he’s ever met. He’s excited and he tells everyone who will listen, even strangers sometimes (like when they go out to eat one time and Jaemin orders quite a lot and Jeno says to the waitress “He’s eating for two,” smiling conspiratorially. Jaemin rolls his eyes before snatching Jeno’s menu and handing both of them back to the waitress, who suddenly looks notably more excited to be serving them than before).

Jaemin is able to work pretty much up until he’s due, and to be honest, he doesn’t show much (and Jaemin wouldn’t expect him and Jeno to make a very big baby, anyway). Most people who recognize him at his two jobs just figure he’s put on some extra weight, but some of his regulars, the ones who know him well, put the pieces together and coo at him (“You’re absolutely glowing! Are you expecting? Be honest, don’t be coy with me, dear”). Jeno does take on a second job freelance editing, which feels a little bit too lucky, but it somehow fell right into his lap and allows him to keep the same schedule at his internship and at school. They buy a crib at Ikea and assemble it in their living room before carting it into their bedroom and tucking it neatly into the corner, and it gives Jaemin butterflies every time he glances at it before crawling into bed next to Jeno.

He can tell that the baby is coming soon within about a week of his due date, and his two jobs are more than happy to grant him leave. (At Jeno’s insistence, because Jaemin is more than willing to continue work, but Jeno more or less forbids him in the name of the baby.) He spends five days at home, a combination of lounging and sulking around the apartment, feeling useless but also entitled. He’s watching reruns on the couch one day when he can feel the contractions start and he knows. 

Jaemin calls Jeno, and Jeno doesn’t even answer before he packs up his desk and hollers at his boss “The baby.” She waves him on, watching from her office as he gathers his things and runs out to his car. 

“It’s romantic, isn’t it,” she says to her secretary, almost wistfully.

“He’s just a kid,” the secretary points out, but she, too, can’t help but feel a little mushy. 

“A good kid. A responsible one. He’ll be a good father.”

The secretary can only nod in agreement.

It’s a textbook birth, quite literally. Jeno is there all the while, and when the nurse presents them with a tiny baby, swaddled and snoring— Their child— Jaemin cries, and it takes everything in Jeno not to cry, too.  

⭑

Five months later.

The doorbell rings, and Jeno rushes to answer it, nearly tripping over several toys on the way. 

“Hi!” Yerim says as soon as Jeno opens the door, and he waves her inside. 

“Hey, Yerim. Thank you so much for doing this, it’s been a while and… Jaemin needs a break. He really does. He’s insistent that he’s fine and I know he doesn’t want to leave her, but… He deserves a night off. I really appreciate you.” 

“Jeno, it’s fine,” Yerim insists, hanging her coat up, “Seriously, it’s not an issue. I’m happy to help.”

Jeno gives her a rueful smile. “They’re in the bedroom. I’m gonna finish getting ready, you can head on in.”

Yerim taps on the doorframe when she gets there, sticking her head in to see Jaemin playing with who she thinks is possibly the cutest baby in the entire world. 

“Hey, Yerim, what are you doing here?” Jaemin asks, glancing at her for just a second before returning to fawning over his baby. 

“Jeno’s taking you out tonight, remember?”

Jaemin wrinkles his nose. “Already? I don’t know if I’m ready to leave her…”

Yerim sighs to herself when he’s not looking. “Jaemin, I know, but you should really take some time. You and Jeno haven’t gotten to spend any time together that’s not spent changing diapers or entertaining a baby and that’s fine, but you need a break.”

Jaemin gives her a look. “I don’t need a break.” Yerim rolls her eyes.

“Jaemin, Jeno is taking you out tonight and I will be with Jiyeon the whole entire time. It’s just a few hours, sweetie.” 

Jaemin bites his lip. He can’t remember the last time that he and Jeno went even an hour without worrying over the baby, and of course he loves his daughter and wants to be around her 24/7 but a dinner out with Jeno and nothing to worry about does sound enticing… Fucking in the back seat of Jeno’s car sounds enticing, too, and that’s what convinces him. 

“Okay,” Jaemin says reluctantly, and Yerim grins. 

“That’s what I thought. Give her to me, okay? And get dressed. You look… Unkempt.” Jaemin gives her the stink eye but passes his baby over to Yerim anyway. Jiyeon coos and wraps her tiny fingers around one of Yerim’s braids, and both of them look at her fondly.

“Get dressed,” Yerim repeats, and she carries Jiyeon into the living room.

When he thinks he finally looks presentable, at least, he doesn’t look like he gave birth in the past six months, Jaemin meanders into the living room. Yerim is sitting on the floor with Jiyeon between her legs, and Jeno is on his haunches, letting her pull on his finger. Jaemin nearly dies from the cuteness of it all. He always knew Jeno would be a wonderful father, and he’s so grateful that he has Yerim here to take care of the most important person in his entire life while he goes out with the other most important person in his life. It makes Jaemin over-the-moon happy, knowing that his small family is exactly as it is. He wouldn’t want it any other way.

Yerim smiles up at him and Jeno notices, gently detaching Jiyeon's fingers from his own and raising to his feet and turning around. He looks… Fucking delicious, actually, Jaemin thinks. He doesn’t know if he should be as near-turned on as he is right now, in front of their child, so Jaemin grabs Jeno and starts to pull him out the door. “Let’s go,” he says impatiently, and Jeno follows, amused. They pause so that the couple can bid their goodbyes to Yerim and share their thanks again, and then they’re out the door. As soon as they’re on the porch, Jaemin lets out a huge sigh of relief— He hasn’t felt this care-free in… Well, five months. He catches Jeno looking at him adoringly, and he grabs Jeno’s face in his hands, kissing him somewhere in between gentle and impatient. 

“Yeah?” Jeno says when they break apart, raising an eyebrow, and Jaemin gives him a grin.

“Yeah.” They look at each other for a moment, and then Jaemin bursts out “Let’s fucking go, when’s the last time you took me out, you bastard?” He starts to prance toward the car, leaving Jeno to watch him in a mixture of incredulity and admiration. 

“I’ve been trying for five months!” Jeno insists, and Jaemin just scoffs. Jeno rolls his eyes and unlocks the car, sliding into the driver’s seat with Jaemin, who has already made himself quite comfortable in the passenger’s side. 

“Where are we going?” Jaemin asks, and Jeno gives him a mysterious look. 

“You’ll see.”

“Dramatic as always,” Jaemin mock-sulks, and Jeno snorts.

“Says you.”

“Hey! I gave birth to your fucking child, Jeno,” Jaemin whines, and Jeno smiles at him.

“That you did, baby,” he says softly, patting Jaemin’s thigh, and Jaemin melts. 

“I missed this,” he admits, looking out the window. 

“Me too,” Jeno responds, “I’m glad we convinced you.” 

“What convinced me was realizing that you’d probably fuck me in the back of your car, like we’re in high school or something,” Jaemin retorts, and Jeno smirks. 

“You want me to give you another baby?” 

Jaemin turns his head so fast that he nearly gives himself whiplash, and he tries to formulate a response, but he can’t. He just sits there, face burning and mouth slightly open, and Jeno just gloats. 

It’s not until a few hours later, when they’re in the back of Jeno’s car (with a condom, of-fucking-course, because they aren’t taking any chances) that Jaemin finally answers that question. 

“Mm, I do want you to give me your kids, daddy,” Jaemin murmurs directly into Jeno’s ear, and Jeno cums so hard he sees white.