Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Things have been feeling weird lately. Inexplicably so. Everything seems fine. Everything is fine, actually. It’s all good. He’s happy.

Yet, Jaebeom can’t help the feeling. It’s strange, really. He feels stressed, but he doesn’t know why. Feels like there’s something wrong . Like he has to be ready all the time, without knowing what he has to be ready for. Youngjae keeps saying that he feels like there’s a storm approaching, perhaps it’s just that. But the sky has been clear and bright for days, and according to his radio, it’s expected to stay that way. It’s just weird. And Youngjae says weird things sometimes. Must be something else.

It just makes him more… wary. He also spends more time than usual in his studio. He just feels safe there, when it’s just him and his computer and his music sheets. Nothing he has to be scared of. Yet, he’s still too attentive, too aware of his surroundings, never really relaxed. Always feeling on the edge. Can’t rest, can’t seem to stop thinking. It’s tiring. It’s like he’s waiting for something that might never happen.

It does happen. Damn, it really does. It starts when he’s in his studio again, focused on composing what will probably end up being one of his best songs ever. He’s working on the bass line, trying to make it slow but powerful, just the way he likes. And, in the middle of it, suddenly, there’s a sound.

It’s a damn powerful one. Like something fell or crashed or maybe even like an explosion. It’s weird, because his studio is soundproof. 

He stills, getting that weird feeling again. His heart starts beating faster and he doesn’t even know why. It might be nothing at all, but it feels… dangerous. Frowning, he kicks the ground and his chair slides all the way to the opposite wall. He stares at the door, waits for another noise. There’s nothing, for a few seconds, but he can feel some cold air going through the door and it’s not supposed to be possible. And then he hears the same sound again, a bit louder. 

What the fuck , he thinks while getting up, getting closer to the door. And he thinks that again when he opens it and there’s - there’s a lot of wind. Outside, and he can hear it, but inside too and he can feel it. There’s wind in his house . It makes him lose his balance and it messes with his hair and he curses under his breath, holding onto the door handle for support. In a quick move, he pulls his hair tie from where it’s always around his wrist and tries to get all the long, annoying strands into a messy ponytail and away from his face. Then he hesitates. 

There's obviously something wrong. The wind is howling, the sky is almost black even if it's barely past noon and now that he's outside his studio he can hear the loud thrumming of the rain against the windows and feel the floor shaking with the intensity of the thunder. So there was a storm approaching. He's going to have to apologize to Youngjae later. 

The fact that he can feel the wind inside is honestly quite worrying and he fears that he let a window open or something, so he quickly goes back into his studio to put on his hoodie and shoes and then hurries down the stairs.

He freezes, when he sees water on the floor, flooding the whole first floor of his house. Great. That's just his luck. His shoes are not waterproof at all. 

It's barely an inch, but it reaches just over his sole when he steps forward and his sockets are soaked in no time. The thunder keeps rumbling, deep and strong and deafening as he tries to reach his kitchen. He curses, for what feels like the hundredth time, when he tries to turn on the light and it does absolutely nothing. He flicks the switch a few more times, frustrated, but it’s no use and he can’t help but think about his perfect song, which he of course hasn’t saved since about an hour ago. He sighs, then swears again. So, no more song, no more electricity, wind and rain inside his house. And it's getting worse. Awesome.

He wouldn't admit it, but he's actually starting to feel kinda scared.

He starts rushing his movements a bit, panic rising in his chest. In the kitchen, the wind is so much more powerful that it almost makes him lose his balance again and he has to lean against the door frame to stay upright. He shivers from the cold, and runs to the window that has somehow opened itself, but he doesn't seem to have enough strength to close it again, the wind working against him. When he sees that outside, a few trees and street lamps have been scattered to the ground, he gasps and takes a few steps back, realizing that he really shouldn't be standing next to a window right now.

It's only then that he realizes that he is not safe in there anymore. He stands in the middle of the kitchen, his heart beating hard and fast and painful in his chest, while he listens to all the deafening noises around him. When the thunder takes a break he can hear very worrying cracking noises that come from everywhere around him, the walls and doors and ground and ceiling. 

His brain has never worked so fast, but has never been this useless. He takes a few more tiny, shaky steps back, looking around for a solution that doesn't exist, breath hitching. And it keeps getting worse and worse, the water now reaching his ankle and a few pieces of furniture start floating around. There's shattered glass quite everywhere, too, from last night's tableware that he forgot to wash and that the wind blew off. And as he stays there panicked and unmoving, he realizes that he really shouldn't be here anymore.

Jaebeom's house is small but pretty and he loves it quite a lot. But it's old, all stone and bricks and wooden beams and it's definitely not made to withstand such a powerful storm. It's probably gonna fall all over him anytime soon and he needs to leave like, right now. So he does, when adrenaline pumps in his veins and strength comes back in his legs, he leaves the kitchen and runs to the front door, muttering an endless string of fuck, fuck, fuck .

He crosses the corridor and speed-walks to the living room, watching his steps because it's so slippery with the rain water everywhere. And when he reaches the door handle he pushes it down and the door won't open. He pushes harder, with his whole body and all the strength he can muster, but it does nothing. He's fucked. He has to pass through the living room to leave the house. Or he could jump through the window in the kitchen, but it feels like a really bad idea when it keeps slamming open and closed again and again and, by the sounds he's been hearing, it's probably broken and deadly dangerous by now. 

So he keeps pushing and pushing harder against the door, trying to make it move even the slightest bit. And while he does the thunder gets louder and the rain hits harder and he has time to think that it's not just a storm. It's a disaster, probably a hurricane or something but it's not normal.  

How, though, how would it be possible when there's never, ever been a hurricane where he lives. Not since he moved in there, not ever.

And while he struggles and hurts himself and feels close to giving up and there's water around his calves and so much wind in his hair that the hair tie breaks, he hears something.

A voice.

It's far and muffled and barely audible through the storm but it doesn't matter, because Jaebeom could recognise this voice anywhere and anywhen. How could he not. All that Youngjae is, he knows it by heart. 

He feels so relieved for a second. Because it's Youngjae who's there. Smart, reliable, lovely Youngjae and if someone can help him, it's probably him. But it almost makes him even more nervous, because as much as he wants and needs to be saved right now, he doesn't want his selfless sunshine to get hurt in the process. It's dark as if it was night time, he needs his sunshine, can't lose him, ever. 

"Jaebeom hyung ?!" the voice screams and Jaebeom pushes harder against the door, tries his hardest. 

"Jae, Jae," he yells in response, voice frantic and shaky and he punches the door, growing increasingly frustrated and angry and scared . "I'm here, the living room !" 

"Hyung," his boy repeats and this once his voice is louder, and he can hear hurried steps and splashes of water too. "Hyung you have to get out now !" he shouts and Jaebeom's hand presses so hard against the handle that he almost breaks it. 

"I know, I'm fucking trying, but the door--"

"It's the bookshelf, it fell right in front of it, hold on," Youngjae cuts him, his voice getting closer and closer and he speaks fast and loud but he still sounds much calmer than Jaebeom is. He almost doesn't think about how much time he spent trying to build that stupid bookshelf and how much he loves some of the books that were in it, because it's so, so reassuring to have Youngjae here than it overwhelms him for a while. 

The relief doesn't last long though, because as soon as he releases a heavy sigh, he hears a loud crashing noise from the other side of the door. He gets even more scared than before, of course, because it's Youngjae who's in danger now. His precious Youngjae, the very one person he can’t even imagine getting hurt.

"Jae, please, stay safe," he tells him but gets no answer, only more weird noises. " Jae ," he insists, a bit louder, "Don't hurt yourself."

"I'm gonna need you to push the door at three," Youngjae states instead, ignoring his warnings. "With everything you have. You ready ?" 

Jaebeom nods against the door, knowing that he can't see him but knows him well enough to guess . "Don't get hurt," he whispers, voice so low that he's pretty sure Youngjae doesn't even hear him, but he doesn't care. He would stay in this house forever and die here if it meant that Youngjae would be fine. But Youngjae doesn't care about himself. He's a reckless angel, who'd put himself in trouble a hundred times for his friends and Jaebeom has never hated it as much as he hates it right now.

Youngjae counts to three and when he orders him to “Push !” Jaebeom does just that. It makes him hiss quietly, because he doesn’t have a lot of strength left and his shoulder hurts from all the times he’s tried hitting the door with it. He ignores it, brushes it off, keeps doing it and when Youngjae yells “Harder,” he answers, “Are you even helping ?!” but pushes harder nevertheless. Because Youngjae’s wishes are his command and he’d do about anything this boy tells him to. 

Nothing happens. For a few seconds, they’re just struggling together uselessly. And when the door does open it catches them off guard so much that Jaebeom falls forward, landing right on top of the damn bookshelf. He twists his wrist a bit but he doesn’t care, doesn’t even take a single second to catch his breath. As soon as his hands touch the wood of the piece of furniture he uses it to push himself up again and he rushes to Youngjae, who fell backward too and he’s wincing and the idea of him being in pain is unbearable.

“Jae.” he whispers while crouching down, cupping his cheeks and tilting his head back with a thumb against his pretty jaw, scanning his face worriedly. “Are you okay ? Are you hurt ?”

Youngjae blinks a few times, looks out of it for a little while until he shakes his head with a reassuring smile. “I’m fine, hyung, what about you ?” he asks with a light voice, getting up and intertwining their fingers to help Jaebeom up too. He just nods, still looking at him up and down, searching for wounds. Deep inside he knows Youngjae wouldn’t have gotten hurt - it just really isn’t a Youngjae thing to do - but he can’t stop worrying. 

Youngjae tuts. “Stop that,” he mutters while rolling his eyes, but his voice is tender, affectionate. “I’m fine,” he repeats, “The bookshelf was just heavier than I expected, but I made sure to be safe, just like you told me. Now if you please could stop fussing over me, we gotta get the hell out of here right. now .”

He smiles, looking so so pretty when he does and takes Jaebeom’s hand in his again, who just nods and lets him lead the way through his own house. 

He had almost forgotten about how dangerous it was, his mind, as usual, filled with thoughts of Youngjae and only Youngjae whenever he was near him. But now that he’s safe and sure that his friend is too, he can focus more on the problem at hand right now and it’s alarming. The water keeps rising and while only Jaebeom’s legs are wet, Youngjae is drenched. From head to toe. Poor thing has probably made his way to Jaebeom’s house by foot, running under the rain.

Or maybe not, for when they finally get out, Youngjae bends down to grab his skateboard, that he had put down against the wall and that had almost magically stayed there, unmoving despite the wind. Jaebeom doesn’t say anything about how dangerous it could have been to use it in such weather, because he’s sure that Youngjae knows it already, and, well… Everything is dangerous right now so it really doesn’t matter.

“So what now ?” he asks as his friend keeps pulling him forward, keeps running under the rain and it’s just a matter of seconds before he’s drenched too and struggling against the wind.

“We’re going to Jinyoung’s,” he replies, “He’s got a basement and it’s safe there.”

“Safe..?” Jaebeom repeats, sending him a perplexed look. He doesn’t think anywhere is safe right now. Not a single building in the whole city is built to resist such a storm.

“Safer than here, i guess.” Youngjae states with a reassuring grin and Jaebeom nods, because that’s the best solution they have obviously, so they’re gonna have to go with that.

“We were together with Jinyoung and Mark when it started,” Youngjae keeps explaining, this time pushing him forward with a hand on the small of his back to make him walk before him. “We went to get each one of you as soon as it got… Too intense. Jinyoung is coming back with the kids, Mark with Jackson. I don’t know what’s going to happen after that but…”

“We’ll be safe.” Jaebeom assures him. “You’re with us, we’ll be alright.” 

Youngjae rolls his eyes, keeps pushing him forward. And it’s not because he’s angry at him or anything, but because he needs it. They should be running by now, but they aren't, because they can’t. There’s less water on the ground, but the wind is strong and against them and Jaebeom is sure that he wouldn’t even be able to take a single step forward if Youngjae’s hand on his back wasn’t helping him. And it’s reassuring, to have his boy behind him, quite literally watching his back. He’s not dumb, he knows that he made him walk before him to make sure he wouldn’t get hurt. That’s just his Jae. 

“Do your powers work ?” he asks, turning his head to see Youngjae’s face, because there might be a storm or a cataclysm or anything, but he still misses Youngjae’s face when he can’t see it, always.

“Dunno,” he shrugs, “Haven’t tried. Things are bad enough already, aren’t they ?”

And he smiles. Calm, light, cheerful. Of course, leave it to Youngjae to be the one to stay positive and smiling when everything goes wrong. Handsome, hot Youngjae, who keeps protecting and helping everyone. Such a sweet ray of sunshine. 

They keep walking. They’re slow, of course they are, but they just have to be extra cautious because everything can become harmful if they don’t pay attention. They take a longer route than usual, just so they can stay close to higher, stronger buildings that don’t look like they’ll fall on them the next second, and that can protect them from the wind. The streets are empty, half destroyed already and they have to dodge cars that are moving by themselves. It seems surreal, almost nightmarish really. Unidentified things come flying to them every once in a while, and Jaebeom has trouble avoiding them because he can’t see anything. He has long since abandoned his glasses, of course, but his damn hair keeps getting in the way. If they survive this, he thinks, he’s gonna cut them short and Youngjae is going to complain because he loves his long hair and it’s gonna be heartbreaking. Shit, he probably won’t. He can’t risk disappointing Youngjae, can he ?

It had to be expected, and it does happen eventually. He actually doesn’t know how it took so long to happen when it was just... inevitable. 

It’s a car door. A dark blue one. It’s flying as if it weighed nothing and it’s going straight to Jaebeom’s face. He sees it. But it’s too fast. He doesn’t have enough time to bend down or- to do anything, really. So he just stills, waits for it. And he would have thought, “ I’m dead. ” if Youngjae wasn’t there.


But he’s here. There’s a flash of white, blinding light, and a tiny second later the car door magically changes its trajectory and when it hits his left arm, hard and painful, Jaebeom is pushed back from the force. He collapses against the closest wall with a ridiculous “ Ackh !”, gritting his teeth.

It aches, his arm, but Youngjae’s worried voice hurts him even more. “Oh, no no,” he makes, as he, of course, hurries to check on him. Jaebeom lets his own arm go, releasing the grip he didn’t even know he had around it, and lets Youngjae examine it.

“Does it hurt too much ?” he asks, caressing it gently with his fingertips. Jaebeom shivers, not from the cold or the pain but from the contact. It’s skin on skin, his hoodie having been ripped by the harsh impact, it feels electrifying. 

“Just a little,” he admits, shaking his head. There’s no wound, no blood, no bruise yet, but he thinks it might be broken. Of course he lied. It hurts like hell. Youngjae sees right through it. "Shit," he mutters, looking guilty and concerned. "I'm gonna try again, just let me-" 

He raises his hand slightly, in a motion Jaebeom has seen him doing time and time again, and soon there's a light, yellow glow to his eyes that surely wasn't there before. 

Just like that, the seconds start stretching, time slowing bit by bit and just before it stops and starts going backward, Jaebeom reaches for his hand with his operational one, intertwines their fingers again and tells him to “ Wait. ”

Youngjae’s eyes get back to normal. The rain falls faster, the wind howls harder. Gravity feels stronger. “Don’t bother,” he says softly, squeezing his hand. “I’m fine. And with you not controlling your powers fully, we're not even sure you'll manage to do better than that. Let’s not waste your energy, okay ? Let’s just keep going, Jae.”

He stares at him, his big, round eyes shining with worry and tenderness. Jaebeom isn’t going to get used to that gaze, ever. It’s too soft, he can’t. “Are you sure ?” he murmurs, and Jaebeom nods, smiling for the first time since the storm started, trying to be reassuring. “Okay then.” Youngjae states, back to serious as if he flipped a switch that eased all of his worries away. “It won’t be long now. We’re just a few streets away.” 

He takes a few steps forward, and Jaebeom - Jaebeom is a bit distracted for a moment. Because he’s just so… gorgeous. And amazing. With his pretty hair sticking to his pretty cheeks, drops of water following his pretty jawline before falling to the ground. His eyes such a beautiful shade of brown when they’re not glowing. He knows he should start walking too but - he can’t take his eyes off of him. He’s just… He’s just too much sometimes. Jaebeom admires him too much when he gets all determined and strong like that.

He notices, of course. Shoots him a weird look, that quickly softens into a gentle grin, eyes crinkling with it. Yet, he sighs. Jaebeom’s heart skips a beat as he reaches his hand out. “Come here,” he tells him, voice loud so he can hear it despite the wind and thunder. Jaebeom does. And when he’s close enough Youngjae grabs his healthy arm and wraps it around his own shoulders. “Here.” he says, holding him by the waist. “I’ll help you.”

Jaebeom sighs in relief, because he would have never asked for it, but he kinda needs the help. The pain is slowly starting to get overwhelming, making his head spin a bit and while he can bear it… it leaves him with no strength available for anything else. "Don't move it." Youngjae says as he nods toward his left arm. He shakes his head. He hadn't planned to do it anyway, but now that it's an order from his favorite boy, he'll pay extra attention to it. 

Youngjae almost carries him all the way to Jinyoung's. Struggling alone against the wind, making all the efforts, carrying Jaebeom on one arm and his skateboard on the other. And he only releases him when they get there. They don't even need a key, the door is already open and Jaebeom is glad, because he thinks he's going to get fed up with doors quite soon. They're his worst enemies today. 

Youngjae gently pushes him toward where they know are the stairs leading to the basement. Jaebeom insists that he goes with him, only once. Because Youngjae squeezes his shoulder, assures him that he'll be back in a second. And Youngjae always knows what he's doing, so Jaebeom obeys and he limps toward the stairs. Ah, yeah, 'cause he hurt his leg too. And there is a bruise on his arm. A huge ugly one. He's just that useless.

As soon as he takes a step in the dark, humid room, arms start helping him walking and lead him to sit against a wall. A deep voice asks him if he’s feeling okay. Apparently Mark and Jackson came back safe and sound a few minutes ago. Jaebeom lets himself be guided and when he feels the wall against his back he slides down, exhausted and breathless. Not even a second later Youngjae is back, with a first-aid kit, because of course that’s what he has been looking for. He took risks just to make sure he could take care of his friends. Classic Youngjae. What a sweet boy.

It’s his arm that hurts the most, but the wound on his leg is uglier. More blood, more skin ripped off, so that’s what Youngjae takes care of first. Jaebeom keeps his eyes half opened, head resting against the wall and he stares at him while Youngjae carefully cleans and wraps the wound. He doesn’t even flinch when Youngjae releases the bandages for a while and they stay where he left them, mid-air, floating. Doesn't say anything about his yellow eyes.

At some point Jinyoung and the maknaes come back. Yugyeom is carrying a motionless Bambam on his back, panting a little with the effort. Youngjae looks over them, tenses. Jaebeom knows. How much he wants to run to him right now, how many questions he wants to ask, how worried he is. How he is dying to just leave Jaebeom here and go check on his best friend. He doesn’t. He takes a deep breath, then deals with Jaebeom’s arm, movements still slow and gentle, eyes soft but focused. 

He’s no doctor, so he does what he can do. He wraps a piece of fabric around his shoulder and tells him to let his arm rest in the loop it creates. It’s not exactly useful, but it does not worsen the pain, so he might just do it to please him and reassure him anyway. And when Youngjae is done making a knot at the back of his neck his fingers linger against the skin, stroking softly, up to the small hair on his nape and back down. Jaebeom sighs, relishing in the warm feeling that is so, so welcome when everything else is cold and damp around them.

“How are you feeling ?” Youngjae whispers, lips stretched into a tender but somewhat insecure, anxious grin. 

“I’m okay. Thank you, Jae. Go check on him now,” he nods toward where Bambam is laying, unconscious. “I know you want to.”

The younger boy smiles, nods. He does walk away, leaving him alone and cold, but not without staring right at him for a few more seconds, lightly brushing his cheek. Jaebeom leans into the touch as he falls a little more in love. He’s just so -- so… So much .

Turns out Bambam is fine. As fine as someone can be while they are knocked out, that is. No dangerous injury they would have to deal with, which is reassuring enough for Youngjae to allow himself to finally relax. Jaebeom doesn’t know what happened to Bambam exactly, he’s not really listening. His head hurts. He catches some parts of conversations, some words here and there. Hears how Jinyoung says that they’ll have to leave as soon as water starts leaking into the room. How silent they all get when Yugyeom asks where they would go. 

It’s only when they start talking about the storm, about how unexpected and sudden and frightening it was, that Jaebeom remembers. He gets that weird feeling again, something feeling very wrong, making nervousness grow in his stomach. He eyes Youngjae suspiciously, who’s still kneeling next to Bambam’s limp body, seemingly lost in thoughts. His brows are furrowed and he’s scratching his nape mindlessly. He looks mildly anxious. 

Jaebeom narrows his eyes at him, thinks harder. It’s wrong . And it’s weird because nothing has ever felt wrong about Youngjae. Everything, ever since they started talking to each other, has felt right and comfortable and honest. But now…

He doesn’t like being so far from them. Yes, he’s hurt, and quite badly at that, but it’s not a reason to keep him away from the conversation. Jackson, Mark and Jinyoung are whispering now, while Yugyeom is staying silently by Youngjae and Bambam’s side, hugging his own knees. Jaebeom feels lonely and a bit scared too, so he tries to get up, struggling as he does. Youngjae notices, of course he does, and in a second he’s right next to him, helping him carefully.

“You knew it.” Jaebeom states firmly, looking at him straight in the eyes. Youngjae stills suddenly, and looks up very slowly, his eyes big and worried. He looks so cute, like a deer caught in the headlights, Jaebeom wants to coo at him. He can’t, not right now. 

“...What ?” he makes, mouth agape while all eyes turn to them, curious and surprised. It’s rare to hear Jaebeom talking to Youngjae with a voice that is neither soft and loving, nor nervous and shy. Actually, it has probably never happened before. 

“You knew it.” he repeats. “The storm, you kept saying -- you felt it. You knew it.”

Youngjae releases a breathy laugh, one Jaebeom has learned is his way of protecting himself when he gets really uncomfortable. He lowers his head, stares at his shoes and he lets go of Jaebeom, letting him stand by himself. Jaebeom does feel like something is wrong with him. Yet he can’t help the fastening of his heartbeat when he sees him worrying his lip between his teeth. It’s just too endearing.

“I think…” he slowly says, fidgeting. “...maybe…” he keeps going, hesitantly looking up to Jaebeom before averting his eyes again. “It might be my fault.” 

Immediately all eyes turn to Mark, who furrows his brows and cocks his head to the side. He stares at Youngjae, silently for a while until his mouth pops open and his eyes widen. “Oh…” he makes. “Oh, that’s bad.”

Youngjae lets out a strangled sound, somewhere between worried and ashamed. Jaebeom has never wanted so much to take him in his arms and soothe him, hush him and keep him safe. He’s never looked so small and scared since that one time he shyly brought them all together, stood in front of them and told them with the lowest, cutest voice, “I… kinda can... control time and space”, leaving them completely dumbfounded and confused. They’re confused now, too. Blinking at him and Mark owlishly, waiting for an explanation. 

Youngjae looks at Yugyeom for comfort, all of them knowing that he wishes for Bambam to be here and awake, because he always feels more secure and more at ease when his best friend is here to help him. The youngest nods, making Youngjae sigh but answer with a nod of his own.

It takes a while for Youngjae to start talking. The others know how he tends to get really nervous and insecure at times, so they let him take his time. Jaebeom doesn’t know. He just… can’t think. Can’t believe Youngjae has been hiding things from them. From him.

“When I use my powers…” he begins, voice low and slow as if he still needs to think hard. “Mostly when I use them to rewind time. Sometimes, almost all the time… There are consequences. Like… I need to pay for it maybe ? Like everything I do has a cost. Which is often… Something breaking. Or someone getting a bit hurt. Things like that.” he stops, takes a deep breath. “Lately though… It’s gotten worse. I felt like there was going to be something… bigger… stronger…”

“Stronger ?!” Jaebeom repeats, belwired. “You knew it was going to happen and you still did it ?!” He turns to Mark, eyes wide in panic and anger. “Did you know ?” he almost yells. Youngjae winces, Mark frowns. “Of course not…” he answers. “How could have I known ?”

“You literally read minds !”

“We’ve been through that…” Mark sighs, bringing a hand up to rub at his forehead, visibly annoyed. “I can ask people’s minds questions and get answers from them. I can’t read them. I don’t know anything about that because I didn’t think about asking.“

Jaebeom groans, has to close his eyes for a second in order not to yell at anyone. He has to keep calm, but, how could he, when they might all die in the next hour ?

When he opens them again, he looks at Youngjae, who’s already staring at him with a blank face, waiting. Not daring, not aggressive. Just silently waiting for what he is going to say next. Yugyeom has gotten up and walked beside him by now, throwing an arm around his shoulders in a protective gesture. 

“I don’t understand…” Jaebeom mumbles, voice a bit softer, because it’s still Youngjae he’s talking to. “It’s not like you need your time powers often though… If you knew it was bringing something bad, why did you keep… Using them ?” he asks, confused. Youngjae lowers his head again, looks away, chews on his bottom lip. A slight blush spreads across his pretty cheeks.

Uh-oh , Jaebeom thinks. This is so wrong . He doesn’t know how but he can feel how heavy the air has become and how it’s going to explode very soon. The bad feeling he’s been having keeps growing stronger and stronger.

“I…” Youngjae stutters, hesitates. Where is his strong, confident Jae gone ? “I use them a lot…” he lets Yugyeom squeeze his shoulder, pulling him into a tight side-hug. “... When I’m with you.”

“ What ?!” Jaebeom raises his voice again, shocked, he would take a step back if he could. “So it’s my fault now ??”

“ NO ! ” Youngjae shouts at the same time as Jinyoung cuts in, telling Jaebeom, “Hey, geez, calm down ! It’s Youngjae you’re talking to !” and Jaebeom shuts up. He doesn’t want to yell at his boy. He’s just really panicking right now.

“It’s not your fault.” Youngjae murmurs after a short silence. “I just…” he bites his tongue, blushes even more. “I just wanted to make sure… You would like me.”

It doesn’t take a few seconds for him to grasp the meaning of it. He understands as soon as he hears it what it implies. It hits him like a train.

He can’t believe it. His head still hurts and he thinks maybe he didn’t hear right. If not… Then it would mean… That Youngjae has been using his powers on him. To go back in time each time he made a mistake. Each time he did something that Jaebeom didn’t like. It means he lied, pretended. Changed his way of acting just for Jaebeom to like him. Manipulated him, made him remember only the good things. It means… Everything is fake.

He turns to Mark, eyes wide in anger again. This time he says nothing, just nods without looking at him. And when Jaebeom glances at the others, they all do the same. They all knew. 

They have the decency to look ashamed. Youngjae, especially. Rightfully so. “Fuck…” Jaebeom growls, running a hand through his hair, frustrated. “It’s so fucking disappointing, I liked you so much…” he mumbles. Youngjae’s eyes go wide as he looks up at him suddenly, not missing a beat before he starts walking to him. This time, Jaebeom does take a step back.

“I like you !” Youngjae blurts out, despair in his voice. “I like you , hyung, so much, I’m so sorry, I--”

“You lied to me !” Jaebeom yells.

“I didn’t !” Youngjae shakes his head, looks up at him as if he was begging. “I promise, I never did ! I just wanted.. You’re just so perfect all the time, so out of my league… I just wanted to show you the best of me ! It was still me, I swear !”

“You’re fake !!”

Jaebeom’s movements start getting too wide that his arm and leg hurt and Youngjae starts getting too close. “SHUT UP !” Jackson yells as he grasps his friend’s healthy arm, pulling him back. “Don’t talk to Youngjae hyung like that !” Yugyeom adds. He gets a hold of Youngjae again, who looks close to tears. Somewhere in his mind, Jaebeom can’t believe he’s yelling at Youngjae. His Youngjae, the one he liked so much. Because he’s been manipulated. He’s been forced to like him, but everything was fake. Except how pretty he is, of course. There's no way to fake that. God , he feels so betrayed. 

“Fix it.” he snaps, voice and eyes cold as he scowls at him. Jackson squeezes his arm in warning, as if telling him to be nicer, but he doesn’t care. “It’s your fault, all this, the storm, you created it. Fix it.” His heart aches, when Youngjae, the one who’s never shown any form of weakness in front of him, ever, sobs and hides his face with his hands. Yugyeom has never looked that angry, eyes shooting daggers at Jaebeom as he hugs him, hiding Youngjae against his own chest. He tries to brush it off. Tries to ignore how much he still likes the boy, how much he wishes it would be him with his arms around his cute waist. He likes him, so much, but he’s so angry.

“Don’t talk to him like that, asshole.” Yugyeom growls again.

“Asshole ? He’s the one to blame ! Why don’t you talk to him like that ?! We’re going to die because of him !”

“Seriously, stop ! Talking !” the youngest hisses through gritted teeth. He holds Youngjae closer as he cries harder. 

Jinyoung sighs. He hits Jaebeom’s shoulder, quite hard but far enough from his wound that it doesn’t hurt. Then he gets closer to Youngjae, and gently plays with the mess of brown hair on top of his head. “Youngjae…” he breathes softly. “Don’t listen to him. Do you know a way to stop this storm ?” The younger nods, against Yugyeom’s neck, then turns his face to look at Jaebeom while still hugging the hell out of his friend. He’s already stopped crying, but there are trails of tears on his cheeks and Jaebeom’s heart breaks. He doesn’t show it.

“I guess I could turn back time…” he whispers sadly, still eyeing Jaebeom. “But that would mean… Erasing all those months we spent together… Forgetting… Our relationships, not knowing each other anymore…”

At that, everyone looks sad. They all know it’s the only way, but they seem to hate it. Even Jinyoung is at a loss of words, smiling sadly as he rubs circles against Youngjae’s back. Youngjae, who’s still looking at him as if it was Jaebeom’s decision to make and he’s waiting for confirmation. He shrugs, his arm hurting as he does. “I don’t care,” he states, “It wasn’t real anyway.”

Jackson sends him a warning look, but Youngjae just sighs. He gently taps Yugyeom’s shoulder, before breaking the hug and then he bids his goodbyes to Jackson and Jinyoung, who are going to forget about him, with a disheartened, bitter smile. Of course, Jackson sheds a tear and Youngjae takes him in his arms. They’ve become such great friends those past months. Jaebeom watches all of it with the most expressionless face he can manage.

“You’re gonna remember ?” Youngjae asks with a grin when he turns to Mark. The oldest nods.

“Of course,” he smiles, “I always do.” Jaebeom feels even worse. Mark knew all along. Yet he never warned Jaebeom, never told him how he was getting manipulated, how his feelings were getting played with. He’s supposed to be his friend, not Youngjae’s, and he hid it from him. 

He expects a goodbye. After all, he’s going to forget too. But as he stares at Youngjae, waiting expectantly, the boy just stares back and says nothing. He still looks sad, eyes shining with suppressed tears. And then he turns his back at him. Jaebeom aches as time slows down. He still does as it starts going backward. And it’s not his arm, nor his shoulder, nor his leg. It’s his heart. If things had been different, he thinks. If Youngjae had been honest. They could have been so so happy together.

There are flashes of white light every few seconds, memories tangling in his mind until it’s all he can see anymore. He can see the few last minutes of his life getting further and further away and his head hurts even more. It spins, and soon Jaebeom can’t tell if he’s standing up or laying down. Gravity gets lighter and lighter until there’s no ground, nothing under him anymore. 

And then it stops. The seven of them are still in the basement. Bambam is still unmoving. Jackson, Jinyoung and Yugyeom look at each other, confused. Mark glances at Youngjae with a dumbfounded look. Youngjae stares at Jaebeom. He looks so sad that Jaebeom’s heart skips a beat. Oh, that’s right, his pretty boy was about to tell them something really important.

What was it about, again ? He's forgotten.

“Jae ?” he asks, feeling something weird, a strange feeling settling in his stomach. He didn’t look that close to tears a few seconds ago. He had been looking confident, even if a bit concerned. Deep down he feels like he knows what happened. But he can’t remember.

He walks closer. Jaebeom has to fight the urge to just grab him by the waist and hold him tight. Instead he settles with putting a hand on his shoulder and caressing it, with the foundest smile he can manage on his face. It’s not like he needs to fake it anyway. He’s so soft for this boy. “What’s wrong, Jae ?” he whispers. The moment feels special and it makes him shy that all eyes are on them, curious, but he can’t focus on anything else than his Youngjae.

“I like you, hyung.” he says with a surprisingly firm voice, gently fisting his hoodie and Jaebeom - Jaebeom is left completely… Dumbfounded. Speechless. His heart is beating way too fast in his ribcage and he can feel himself getting flustered. With warm cheeks and mouth moving as if he wanted to talk but couldn’t. Which is exactly what’s happening. He knows he looks stupid. Ridiculous. But Youngjae. His Youngjae. Hot and sweet and lovely and perfect Youngjae. Just told him he likes him. Wait... He likes him ? He really does ? He’s not just imagining it, is he ? He heard it right ? It’s not his mind playing tricks on him… Is it ?

“You do ?” he asks shyly, holding onto Youngjae’s shoulder tighter, needing something to ground him. His friend nods, with a smile that has an edge of bittersweetness to it. “Yeah. I do.” he assures him, but it’s unlike him to not make a move, to not touch Jaebeom at all. Ah, it’s nothing, he’s probably just nervous. Jaebeom would have been shaking in fear already, had he been at his place. He needs to say something, he thinks. He can’t leave his boy hanging.

“Oh, Jae, my baby…” he murmurs, his heart fluttering when hearing those words leaving his mouth. He’s called Youngjae his, hundreds of times. In his mind. But saying it out loud, letting himself be affectionate, it feels... different. Definitely a good kind of different. He’s so happy. “I like you, too…” he whispers as if it was a prayer, letting his hand brush against Youngjae’s skin, up and up until it brushes his neck and settles on his cheek. He caresses it lovingly, thumbing at the cute mole under his eye. 

He’s still looking pained and Jaebeom can’t understand why. “Jae…” Mark warns, sounding wary and it makes him really wonder what’s happening. He forgets, though. When Youngjae leans in with tears in his eyes and the saddest little grin and he kisses him.

He kisses him. It’s enough for Jaebeom’s brain to short-circuit. His mind is empty, nothing but Youngjae, Youngjae, Youngjae in his thoughts and all he can focus on is kissing back. His crush. The boy he likes like he never liked anyone else. They’re kissing. Oh god.

He really can’t focus. His head still hurts. Then there’s a flash of white light that blinds him even through his closed lids. And pictures start appearing. Pictures of all of them. In this very basement. Of Yugyeom and Jackson yelling at him. Of him… Yelling at Youngjae. Of Youngjae crying and admitting that he…

“No !” he screams suddenly, pushing Youngjae away with a little too much force. “No, don’t kiss me ! You’re fake !”

Youngjae doesn’t do anything, even when Mark walks to them and starts shouting at Jaebeom not to hurt his friend and grips his collar. Even when Jackson gets between them and tries stopping Mark from punching his own best friend. He just looks away with a wince and a cute blush on his cheeks. God, he’s so cute. But so manipulative. Jaebeom can’t believe he’s fallen into his trap. Twice. 

And when he does look up at him he does it with a bitter laugh and tears running down his cheeks. “So that’s what it takes for you to remember huh…” he shakes his head. “That’s ridiculous.” Jaebeom agrees. It really is. “Fix it.” he demands and Youngjae laughs again. “Yeah.” he answers while his eyes turn yellow and the familiar feeling of time slowing starts again.

They’ve never made such a long trip in time. Everything disappears bit by bit until there’s no ground nor walls nor anything around them. It’s not black. Not white either. It’s nothing. Jaebeom looks around. He’s never seen nothing and it’s interesting. He jumps, when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Somehow Jinyoung is with him. Is it really possible ? Or is he just dreaming ? He’s so confused. Jinyoung is looking at him with his usual deadpan face that he uses each time he’s got something to blame him for. The one that looks very patronizing but that Jaebeom loves still, because every single time it’s associated with very useful advice that stops him from making very bad mistakes. 

“Before we forget everything.” he says, his voice sounding slower and deeper than usual, as if someone put a strange filter on it. It scares Jaebeom, the too serious face and voice. He gulps nervously. “You hurt him.” his best friend states, and Youngjae’s face immediately appears before his eyes. “And unlike us he is going to remember.”

Shit, he did. He yelled at Youngjae. Youngjae, who had played with his feelings… But has been such a sweet and loving boy all the time before. Always so caring and attentionate. He probably… No, surely didn’t deserve this at all. Jaebeom panicked - who wouldn’t have ? - but he went too far. He hurt his friend. His crush on him doesn’t even matter, he can’t just let him go like that until they see each other again in another universe and he won’t even remember that he needs to apologize. But Youngjae will. He needs to find him. Now.

“Fuck, I fucked up,” he groans, and doesn’t even wait for Jinyoung to nod and tell him that, yes, he did, because he knows it already. He runs to where he last saw Youngjae. Which is, just in front of him, but he’s not here anymore. There’s nothing, he disappeared. And when he glances back, he sees that Jinyoung did too. He keeps running. “Youngjae !” he yells, looking around, trying so hard to spot hin m.

He’s lost. Where there was nothing before, now there’s a mess of pictures and memories everywhere, around him and below and above him. There are scenes he doesn’t even remember, that never happened to him. Youngjae apologizing with the most insecure look he’s ever seen. Youngjae crying in his arms. Youngjae having a full mental breakdown in front of him, Youngjae being weak. But genuine. 

Those blinding flashes keep happening, over and over and over again. It makes him dizzy. God, his head hurts so much. “Jae, I’m sorry, I didn’t --” he screams to noone, out of breath, not knowing if he’s still running. Everything is spinning, he keeps seeing random pictures, hearing random noises and some of them are normal while others feel like he’s pressed the rewind button, and others like they are going backward or faster or slower. It’s a mess. He thinks he’s going to fall soon, but maybe he’s already fallen ages ago. How could he know, when time and space don’t exist and he’s not sure he even exists anymore. 

He’s breathing hard, lungs burning. His arm and leg have long since been healed, but he aches everywhere. He’s going to pass out, he knows it. But he can’t. He has to find Youngjae and apologize, he needs to. Poor boy is going to be so sad if he doesn’t. He can’t do that to him.

“Youngjae,” he pants, slowing down against his will, pressing his hands against his racing heart. “Jae, baby, I --”

But then everything turns to black.

Chapter Text

Jaebeom wakes up in the middle of a class. Except he doesn't wake up, because he hasn't been sleeping. He looks around, feeling lost and confused, trying to remember what he was doing, but his memories feel strangely foggy. The class is silent, and so is the teacher. She’s sitting at her desk, looking through some papers and scribbling things on a sheet. A few students are whispering to each other. Were they supposed to do something ? Read something, maybe ? But there’s no new document on his desk and the others are not doing anything either…

“Psst,” he makes, elbowing Jinyoung who’s sitting next to him. “What are we doing again ?” he asks. Jinyoung turns to him, blinking a few times before he makes a humming sound, looking around too. 

“... I don’t know…” he murmurs. Jaebeom raises an eyebrow. Of course, it makes him smirk.

“Oh ? Was the ever so serious, perfect student Park Jinyoung daydreaming ?” he mocks. Jinyoung huffs, rolls his eyes. 

“I wasn’t, I just… Ugh…” he answers, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair as if he was extremely frustrated. Jaebeom’s smile vanishes immediately, because it is really unlike Jinyoung to not retort with a sassy comment to his teasing. Surprised and concerned, he puts a hand on his shoulders while his best friend rubs his face with his hand.

“Hey,” he makes, “Are you feeling unwell ?”

“I’m fine…” Jinyoung assures, but with a voice lower than usual, sending him a tired look. “I just feel weird like… I don’t know…”

“Yeah.” Jaebeom cuts him, squeezing his shoulder for good measure. “I felt it too. Maybe we caught a cold or something ? It’s winter after all.”

“Wouldn’t be surprised,” Jinyoung retorts with a teasing smirk that reassures Jaebeom as much as it usually annoys him. “With you still wearing that stupid leather jacket of yours even when it’s freezing outside. I don’t care that you don’t know how to take care of yourself, but if I get sick because of you I swear I’ll kill you.”

Jaebeom shrugs, doesn’t answer. He likes his jacket. And he likes cold weather, so he doesn’t need more. Jinyoung knows it, he’s just being annoying.

They end up asking Younghyun, the man in front of them, what is going on. He explains that the teacher is about to announce who will be paired with whom for the next song project, since they didn’t get to choose who would be their partner themselves. Apparently she has to make last-minute changes because of some people who dropped off the class without warning her. They both groan, wondering how they could have forgotten this when every single student has kept talking about it 24/7 for the past two weeks. 

“Why can’t I just work with you…” Jaebeom complains, resting his head against his arm, sighing loudly. He won’t admit it, never out loud. But he actually doesn’t like being separated from Jinyoung. It’s the both of them or nothing at all. It’s unfair, he thinks. Jinyoung is one of the two or three people he’s ever felt comfortable with and all the teachers keep wanting him to work with other people. So annoying. 

“We’ve produced hundreds of songs together already.” Jinyoung answers, always so serious and responsible, but not looking any less grumpy. “I’ve got nothing to learn from you anymore.”

“I’ve never had anything to learn from you and I don’t complain !” Jaebeom whines, earning a well deserved hit behind the head that makes him choke. Jinyoung calls him an old brat and Jaebeom sulks. He hates meeting new people. (He loves it. He’s just very bad at it.)

They keep bickering even when the teacher starts talking, because if there is one thing that Jinyoung likes more than paying attention in class, it’s bothering Jaebeom. It’s only when Younghyun shoots them a warning look, more like a friendly warning than an annoyed stare, that they realize that the pairs are already being announced. Jinyoung clears his throat, embarrassed, and straightens his back while Jaebeom huffs and crosses his arms against his chest, trying to look angry when he, in fact, is just panicking inside.

It’s so stressful, to work with someone he’s not comfortable with. He doesn’t know how to act around people he doesn’t know well. Should he give ideas and advice or would it hurt his partner’s pride ? Should he let them do half of the work even if it meant that the song would turn out worse than if he did it alone ? And, worse, what if he has to work with someone he really hates ? Like one of those stupid, racist and homophobic assholes on the fifth row, ugh, he can’t stand them. Given how lucky he usually is, he’ll probably end up with one of them. He wants to die.

When the name Chae Hyungwon is pronounced, he raises his head, getting his hopes up. He actually likes Hyungwon. He’s not very close to him, but they’re friends. And they’re used to working together, since every time they have to work in groups of three or four, it’s either with Hyungwon or Younghyun. It would be so great, to get paired with him, to work with him. 

Then the teacher says “With Park Jinyoung.” and Jaebeom lets his head fall right on his desk with a groan, not caring about the loud sound it provokes nor about the surprised stares he gets. He’s so jealous. Life is so unfair.

“Lucky you…” he mumbles, turning his head toward his friend without even bothering raising it from the desk. Jinyoung grins, smug, and winks at him. He’s so annoying sometimes, Jaebeom hates him. 

A few names after the teacher says “Choi Youngjae…” and everyone but him looks up. “With Lim Jaebeom.” she states. This time Jaebeom does straighten up, blinking incredulously. 

“Lucky you ,” Jinyoung chuckles and he hums, thinking.

“Yeah, I guess…” he breathes, although he’s still processing. It makes sense, thinking about it, that they get paired together. Youngjae is probably one of the few people in this class that Jaebeom can learn from. He’s known for being incredibly good at making music, which explains how he got to study with all of them despite being younger by two years. He plays the piano and the guitar and is learning how to play drums. He has the voice of an angel, too, singing low and high notes everyday like it’s nothing. His producing skills are up top as well. They all know it, not only because he almost always gets the best grades, but also because someone leaked his soundcloud account, which he had been keeping private before. 

Jaebeom has listened to it, of course. Almost every student he shares class with has. And he had felt a little guilty while doing so, because he usually hates gossip and people who don’t respect someone’s privacy. But everyone kept talking about Youngjae as the one person who could compete with him, so he got curious. He wanted to know if the boy was as good as everyone made it seem… And he is. Jaebeom loves his songs. And his voice. He’s so stupidly good. He even got contacted by real producers and song-writers. Unfair.

Honestly, Jaebeom would have considered him his rival… If he wasn’t also known for being a sweetheart. Every single person who has talked to him has then claimed that he was kind, honest, caring, helpful and just overall great. It’s not that he is friends with everyone in the class, it’s really not. He actually always keeps things very professional. But if you go to him to ask for advice on the song you’re working on he’ll come back the next day with a whole paragraph where he kindly wrote what is great, what isn’t, and some additional ideas. If you ask for his help on an essay he will meet you at the library and help you for a few hours without complaining and without asking anything in return. 

Jaebeom has never asked for any of that. Of course he hasn’t, he’s too proud. But he’s talked to him, three or four times at most. It’s not enough to consider they know each other. They’re still strangers, they even still call each other “Youngjae-ssi” and “Jaebeom-ssi”. But each time, when Jaebeom had wanted to know what grade he got or how well he thought he did on an exam, he has been great. Answering politely and kindly with a pretty grin. And even if he usually gets a slightly better grade than Jaebeom does, he never brags about it. He’s a cool guy. Nice and humble and definitely gifted in everything that has to do with music. Working with him promises to be interesting… And probably even enjoyable. He still would rather work with Jinyoung, but he thinks he got pretty lucky. 

At the end of the class Jinyoung pats his back, tells him he’ll join him in a second and goes to Hyungwon to discuss the whole thing. Jaebeom figures he should probably do the same thing with his own partner, so he gets up as well and looks for Youngjae.

He doesn’t need to search for too long, because Youngjae always sits at the same desk. At the very left of the room, second row. Jaebeom spots him, and tries to put on a calm grin as he walks toward him.

“Youngjae-ssi, hello.” he says when he’s next to him, the boy still stuffing his back with notebooks and a very well organized folder. He answers with a polite smile and a nod, that has Jaebeom grinning wider. He just likes calm and respectful people. Who can blame him ?

“I don’t know if you heard, but we got paired together for the song project so maybe we should -- Hey are you okay ?!” he asks suddenly, only now realizing that Youngjae looks… Exhausted. His face is pale, skin looking even whiter than usual and he’s got dark purple bags under his eyes. His fingers are shaking where they are resting on his desk. He honestly looks like he hasn’t slept for years and Jaebeom is, of course, overwhelmed by concern. He actually cares about people, even if he tries very hard to look like he doesn’t. And right now all he wants is to hug the younger man with the fluffiest blanket he can find.

“Actually…” Youngjae murmurs, his voice weak and a bit shaky. “I don’t feel all that great… ‘M sorry, I heard, but…” he averts his eyes with a light blush, rubbing at his neck with an apologetic, shy smile. Jaebeom is quick to reassure him.

“It’s fine !” he assures. “Jinyoung and I weren’t feeling great either earlier, maybe there are germs spreading around. You should probably go home though, you look… really sick…” he says slowly, thinking that he must sound quite rude.

“Yeah… I think I will, thank you Jaebeom-ssi…” he still looks like he feels sorry and guilty, and kind of sad too for some reasons, which is weird. Jaebeom would really like to take all that off his shoulders but… what can he do ?

By that time Jinyoung has joined them and is throwing glances at him, curious and worried. When he asks what happened Jaebeom answers, “Youngjae-ssi is feeling sick, he’s going to go home now.” Then he turns to the younger again. “Make sure you take your meds and stay warm, yeah ? Don’t think about work for the rest of the day, just rest. Do you need someone to give you a ride perhaps ?”

Youngjae chuckles, looking a tiny bit flustered, but he shakes his head. He assures him that he’ll be fine with the most reassuring smile he can manage. Which is, not very reassuring, because as soon as he gets up he looks like he’s going to fall. Jaebeom and Jinyoung shoot him a last worried glance before they walk away slowly. Jaebeom starts overthinking, of course he does. He could have taken care of him better. He hates it, when his awkwardness makes him unable to help people.

“Wait !” blurts out a broken voice behind them. When they turn around, they see Youngjae trying to catch up to them with his weak legs and heavy bag. 

“Hey, hey. Don’t run !” Jaebeom panics, hands ready to reach up and stabilize him if needed.

“Jaebeom-ssi.” he smiles, handing him his phone. Jaebeom blinks down at it, dumbfounded. “Let’s exchange numbers, so you can text me the details ?” he asks with a sheepish smile. Jaebeom quickly agrees. He’s never been so fast to fetch his phone from his pocket and to hand it to an almost stranger. 

When Youngjae finally leaves, he does so with a last wave of his hand, always cheerful even when he is sick as a dog. Jaebeom and Jinyoung watch him leave, walking a few steps behind him until they’re sure he won’t pass out out of nowhere. Then they keep walking, heading slowly to the next class while the freezing wind tangles his long hair. They stay silent until Jinyoung nudges him with a shit-eating grin. 

“You think he’s cu--”

“Shut up.” he snaps.

Jaebeom actually wonders why Youngjae gave him his number. They follow each other on twitter, they could have easily contacted each other there. Jinyoung and Mark, who joined them for the lunch break, give him an unimpressed look and tell them that it’s a normal thing to do when you have to work with someone. Jinyoung even rolls his eyes. “Who cares,” he says, “Just text him already.”

Jaebeom doesn’t. He will, but he would be a hypocrite if he did it right now when he was the one who told the boy to not think about anything college-related for the day.

So he waits. At least 24 hours. His hectic work schedule keeps him busy and allows him to actually forget about it until the day after, when Jackson and him enter the cafeteria, exhausted after their dance session. They settle at a small table, and while Jaebeom sits down and waits for Mark and Jinyoung to join them, he remembers the new contact in his phone, awaiting to be sent a message. 

He opens it, sipping on his strawberry milk he had just bought. He could do it now, since he’s alone, Jackson having gone to another table for a few minutes just to talk to a dozen of his friends, and Jaebeom would rather die than interact with so many unknown people. So he types a quick text, only reading it over once to make sure he didn’t make any typo, not allowing himself to think about it too long. It’s not that important anyway. 

He smiles, though, when he gets an answer barely a minute later. 

to: Youngjae [12:36]

Hi Youngjae-ssi, it’s Jaebeom. I hope you’re feeling better.

from: Youngjae [12:37]

Hey Jaebeom-ssi ! I am, thank you ^^

from: Youngjae [12:37]

Should we meet up today to discuss the project ?

to: Youngjae [12:39]

I take that you actually do want to work with me ?

from: Youngjae [12:39]

Of course Jaebeom-ssi, what made you think I didn’t ?

from: Youngjae [12:42]

Although… I do think it is a bit unfair for the others. We’re 
gonna be so much better than them. They’ll be so jealous ;)

to: Youngjae [12:43]

Mmh ? What makes you think that ?

from: Youngjae [12:44]

Well… I mean, with me usually having pretty good grades
and you being the best singer and producer of the class…

Jaebeom’s heart actually skips a beat. Is Youngjae really implying that Jaebeom is better than him ? It can’t be. He can’t not know how good he is himself. No one can be that humble.

Although… It’s pretty cute. He can’t help but smile wider as he types an answer.

to: Youngjae [12:46]

Producer, I don’t know… but you’re definitely the
best singer. Your voice is amazing.

from: Youngjae [12:46]

Oh ? You think so ? Well… thank you !

from: Youngjae [12:46]

How do you know my singing voice though ? 

to: Youngjae [12:50]

Ah… I must admit, I’ve been listening to your soundcloud… I’m sorry.

from: Youngjae [12:56]

Oh, It’s fine… 

from: Youngjae [12:57]

It’s just, you know… I’d have preferred to be able to
choose the people I wanted to show these songs to. 

to:Youngjae [12:57]

I know… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. I’ve been too curious

to: Youngjae [12:58]

If this is any consolation though, I really like your music.
And, like I said, you have the voice of an angel.

from: Youngjae [12:58]

Oh ? Are you trying to make me feel better by getting
me flustered, Jaebeom-ssi ?

to: Youngjae [12:58]

Call me hyung.

from: Youngjae [12:59]

Are you trying to get me flustered, hyung ? ;)

“What are you smiling at like that ?” Jinyoung voice asks, making him jump and look up from the phone he’s been focusing on for a while. He immediately smothers his smile down, trying to look serious and not cheerful at all. Mark is next to Jinyoung, putting his tray down on the table in front of him with a playful grin. He looks like he knows something that Jaebeom doesn’t. Which is probably the case, with his mind-reading-or-whatever-this-is powers. 

“I’m not smiling.” he retorts, but only earns an amused chuckle from Mark and an eyebrow quirk from Jinyoung. He huffs. “Fine. I saw something funny on twitter. So I smiled. Like every normal person would have done without getting interrogated because of that.” Jinyoung hums slowly, bringing his fork to his mouth. “Ah… So I guess you contacted Youngjae eventually.” he smirks, Jaebeom rolling his eyes as he does. He hates how his friends always know everything. Jinyoung doesn’t even need a power for that, he just knows him by heart and it’s annoying. Scowling at him one last time he decides it’s better to just ignore him and focus on his texting. 

to: Youngjae [1:02]

I’m just being honest… If you don’t like my compliments I’ll take them back.

from: Youngjae [1:04]

No, no take backs allowed. I like them, I’ll keep them. 

to: Youngjae [1:04]

Good. Shall we meet up today then ?

He doesn’t get to read the answer because the brat he still considers as a best friend gets bored and when he’s bored he’s an asshole. He snaps his phone away from him and proceeds to read all the texts they’ve exchanged. Jaebeom lets him, because he knows it’s a lost cause, and he’s in too much of a good mood to be angry anyway. Talking to Youngjae, at least on the phone, is fun. He definitely got lucky. 

He finishes his lunch while casually chatting with Jackson and Mark, letting Jinyoung tease him because of his “bad flirting”. If it makes him happy…

He does meet up with Youngjae later that day, though, sitting with him at the library and discussing the style and theme of their song. Youngjae has a loud laugh, a cute smile, and keeps cockily stating that all of their classmates are going to feel so humiliated. Jaebeom can’t erase the grin from his face the whole time. 

The weird thing, though, is when Jaebeom attempts to put his hand on Youngjae’s shoulder, to cheer him up after teasing him enough to make him pout. When he does Youngjae doesn’t only flinch, but even jolts, and looks up at him with panicked eyes, as if he is expecting something really really bad to happen. He’s scared like he thinks Jaebeom is going to yell at him or something. Jaebeom brushes it off when Youngjae apologizes for overreacting with a flustered laugh. Maybe he just doesn’t like physical contacts. Maybe he got surprised. But it feels a bit weird still. 

They easily become friends. Jinyoung takes a liking to Youngjae, declares him his new best friend and tells Jaebeom and Mark that he doesn’t need them anymore. Of course Mark pouting cutely is enough for him to change his mind. They spend some more time together, Youngjae not believing at first that he was also best friends with Jackson Wang, the Jackson Wang, the one who’s friends with the entire city. When he introduces Youngjae to them all, he and Mark instantly get along well. Which is a bit strange, since Mark is usually pretty awkward with unknown people. Jaebeom is sipping on his strawberry milk, biting the straw to stop himself from grinning while he watches them sending each other knowing smiles and playful glances. They’re both pretty cute when they smile cockily like that. It’s just another brat in his friend group, he guesses. 

It’s not long before they start sitting at the very left of the room in the classes they share, at the third row. 

The song is progressing greatly too. They really might humiliate their classmates after all. Each time they work on it they do such a great job that it eventually has Jaebeom thinking that they are just made to work together. It’s amazing really. He doesn’t think he’s ever made such an amazing song - and it’s only the beginning, they haven’t even finished the instrumental part yet.

They take a lot of breaks, because they can. They’re progressing way faster than they thought they would and they might finish the song in three weeks instead of the five they were given. That’s what they’re doing, right now, a break. Jaebeom is lazily slumped on his small couch while Youngjae looks around in his studio. He loves his studio. When he discovered that Jaebeom has it in his house -and that he has a house !!- he wouldn’t stop looking up at him with eyes shining with admiration and envy. During half an hour he proceeded to explain how much of a lucky man he is, leaving Jaebeom with redness across his cheeks that he blamed the cold for. He quickly told him that his parents paid for it, not bothering to explain further. Yeah, he’s a spoiled kid and a rich bastard. But he doesn’t like admitting it, because he’s been called arrogant quite a few times when all he did was stating facts and really not trying to brag. He’s learned to shut up about that, rather feeling ashamed of it because there’s nothing to be proud of. It’s his parents’ fortune, not his.

Fortunately Youngjae hasn’t said anything about it, other than the fact that it was absolutely amazing, that he was so jealous and that he wanted to have the same. Since then they’ve always worked here. Each time Youngjae has been a cute excited bean and Jaebeom is always struggling not to smile. It’s hard really, to stop grinning when Youngjae beams and laughs. His happiness is contagious. 

While Jaebeom is just lazing around and stretching his arms above his head, Youngjae spots a few pictures of tiny Mark, Jinyoung and him and asks about it. He tells him about their childhood together, how they got to know each other and got close when they were very young. In return he asks about Youngjae’s own friends, whom he doesn’t know anything about. With a fond grin he talks about his best friend, Bambam, which is a pretty weird name, and his best friend's roommate, Yugyeom, which is a much more normal name. They’re both younger than him, and therefore significantly tinier than Jaebeom and all their classmates, which makes him curious. 

“Why don’t you ever hang out with people as old as you ? Or older, like people you share class with ?” he asks. 

“Well I hang out with you and your friends now !” he retorts cheekily, another cute beam making its way to his face. Jaebeom rolls his eyes but isn’t strong enough to prevent himself from smiling. 

“Actually…” Youngjae mutters with a much lower voice, sitting next to Jaebeom on the couch, with only a tiny bit of space because Youngjae or not, Jaebeom won’t sit correctly. “All of the people who share our classes… They only know me because I’m young and have good grades.” He looks a bit more sad now and Jaebeom does sit straighter in the end, looking at him with concern. It’s not often that he speaks his mind. Usually he’s a bit too shy and awkward with him still. “When they talk to me it’s never to become friends. They just want me to help them or tell them what grades I got. It’s fine, I don’t mind really, but sometimes it’s a bit hard… To see all of them get so competitive and then each time see the disappointment on their faces when they realize I was once again better than them… It makes me feel a bit guilty so… I feel too bad for them to try and befriend them.”

Jaebeom has the urge to put a hand on his shoulder or to ruffle his hair or something, but Youngjae still doesn’t seem to like Jaebeom touching him. (It’s a bit weird, because he seems fine when Jackson and Jinyoung do, but always looks scared when Jaebeom gets even slightly too close. He brushes it off.)

Instead he just looks at him with the most apologetic face he can manage. “I’m sorry…” he says, “I didn’t realize it makes you uncomfortable. You know Jinyoung and I aren’t like that, right ?” Youngjae chuckles a little, raising a brow at him.

“Aren’t you ? You seemed pretty competitive actually, hyung…” he teases with a smirk and Jaebeom needs to remind himself that he mustn’t touch him, because usually with such brats he answers with a harsh pinch against their nape until they apologize. Now he has no way of defending himself so he just stares with a pout, which makes the younger laugh harder. 

“Aww come on !” he makes, giving him a soft pat on the leg that makes him inhale sharply -he touched him !!- before becoming a bit more serious again. “With you, it was fine actually.” he assures, his grin soft and reassuring. “It was more like a rivalry kind of thing, sometimes you would have better grades than me, sometimes not… I didn’t need to destroy your hopes all the time. Plus, I could see how you really thought of me as a kind of reference but still stayed calm and kind all the time. It was fun, hyung. There’s no need to apologize.”

What can he do except smile, really. It’s so hard not to smile. It’s scary almost, how quickly Youngjae is becoming a great friend. He thought that about Mark earlier, but he’s just the same. Usually it takes a whole lot of time for him to become comfortable with other people. Hell, it took him nearly a year to accept Jackson in their friend group when they met him. On the other hand… He’s known Youngjae for barely two weeks and he’s already so close to all of them.

It’s weird, but Jaebeom won’t deny that it feels great. Although he won’t admit it either. Not out loud at least. 

“Don’t feel guilty because of your grades Youngjae-yah.” he tells him firmly, but with an honest grin. “Be proud. You’re working hard, you deserve it.” Youngjae beams at him, doesn’t even bother getting flustered. He just looks so happy, it’s adorable.

They keep talking for a while, the whole thing feeling strangely light and calm, relaxing even. Then they work on their music a few hours more until the clock shows 7pm, Youngjae insisting that he needs to leave. He shakes his head when Jaebeom asks him if he needs a ride, stating that he’ll just go home with his skateboard. Of course when he hears that Jaebeom’s eyes go wide and he almost chokes on the water he is drinking. 

“You have a skateboard ?!” he asks after having coughed a few dozens of times. 

“Yeah.” Youngjae answers with a playful grin and a cute giggle, not looking the slightest bit surprised at his reaction even if it was, according to Jaebeom, quite exaggerated. No, he looks like he’d been expecting it. It’s hot though, that he uses a damn skateboard. He shrugs with a shy grin and reddened cheeks when Jaebeom tells him how cool he thinks it is. Then Jaebeom asks him if he can teach him someday. It takes a whole lot of eye-begging and a promise that he’ll let Youngjae come to one of his dance sessions to watch him. Youngjae leaves with a huge smile on his face and a skateboard class scheduled for the next saturday. 

Dancing has given him quite a great balance, so standing on the skateboard ends up being quite easy. The great thing is that when he threatens to fall at the very first tries Youngjae lets him grip his shoulder to stabilize himself without flinching. Then he even holds his hand to pull him forward until Jaebeom swears he can do it alone. He can, but he’s not all that good. The bad thing is that he ridiculizes himself quite a bit. The best thing is that while he doesn’t mind the cold and the snow falling on them all that much, Youngjae is a block of ice and it’s not long until they decide to go to the nearest coffee shop. They stay there all afternoon talking about anything and laughing at everything. 

Youngjae is great. Kind and caring and helpful just like everyone told him he was. But he’s also funny, loud, hot and the cutest little fucker Jaebeom has ever seen. When he does come to watch him (and Jackson, of course) dance he doesn’t even feel shy or intimidated. He does silly dances for a while to hear him laugh, because his laugh is pretty. Then they get to the choreography they’ve been learning and it’s a damn sexy one. He gives it his absolute best to hear him gasp. Turns out his gasps are pretty too. Overall… Youngjae is very pretty. 

Jinyoung teases endlessly, but Jaebeom just ignores him with a few practiced grins and shrugs until he gives up. He doesn’t understand why he deserves it more than the others. Sure, he’s getting really close to the boy, really fast. But Mark literally plans video games nights with him every weekend and Jackson won’t stop hugging him and saying he’s the cutest boy he’s set his eyes on. Even Jinyoung is like that, sometimes him and Youngjae talk for hours about god-knows-why while sharing smug smiles and loud laughs. They all are equally whipped for him at this point. 

But Youngjae isn’t just cute and kind and happy. He’s also strong and reliable, Jaebeom sees it every time they get to spend time together outside his studio. He discovers it when Youngjae stands up for him against another useless man who called him an arrogant jerk. Or when he spends an hour with him after to make him feel better when he, of course, hasn’t shown that it affected him in any way. Turns out he is pretty good at reading him, which is… a bit annoying at first honestly. He usually hates when people can tell what he’s thinking, when he has to rely on someone else. There are times when it’s needed and when he turns to Jinyoung, of course, but he does it as little as possible. He doesn’t want to annoy others with his issues and he doesn’t want to be weak.

He gets used to it, though, because Youngjae is thoughtful and never says anything about all these small actions, as if he didn’t even realize he was helping him. He never acknowledges that Jaebeom needs it, so it makes it easier to rely on him while pretending he doesn’t. It’s funny how good Youngjae is at that. It’s like he knows exactly the perfect way to act around him, to take care of him. It’s also scary. Like he’s known him for longer than he actually has or something. 

Jaebeom brushes it off.

With the newly allowed skinship and the song they’re still working on they get closer and closer until he spends more time with him than he does with Jackson. Youngjae seems pretty much perfect. He’s a great friend. 

It’s only after a few weeks of knowing each other, when all they need to do to finish the song is recording the lyrics, that he discovers that Youngjae isn’t all that perfect. That’s also the day he realizes he likes him quite a lot.

It’s not that he has flaws, really not. Or at least not bad flaws. That’s just the very first time that Jaebeom sees how he isn’t strong all the time, how he, too, loses control sometimes.

It happens during another Music Theory class. The chairs next to Youngjae’s were already occupied when they went in, so Jinyoung and Jaebeom have to sit at their previously usual place, behind Younghyun and Wonpil. That’s also the day when they have to give back a written essay to their teacher. Who still writes their essay on paper seriously ? It’s so annoying, Jaebeom is so used to just typing it and sending it by email. He complains, of course, resting his head against his arms crossed on the table. Jinyoung tells him that the teacher is old and doesn’t even know what a computer is. Once again, he’s the one giving him a full explanation, but he doesn’t look any less annoyed. 

Not only do they have to give her their essay on paper, but she also refuses to just stand up and take them herself, or to ask them to put them all on a desk at the front of the room, no. What she wants, is to call them one by one in alphabetical order so they have to do the walk of shame all the way to her desk to hand her their essay in front of everyone. It’s like she wants to waste time. He hates her. 

He tries not to look at any of his classmates, of course, because he would absolutely hate it if one of them looked at him. But when Choi Youngjae is called, he, just like everyone else, raises his head. He’s learned to pay more attention to him lately. He’s his friend after all.

He’s probably the only one who notices. How he walks quickly but almost reluctantly, his head low. How his fingers are shaking against his paper. How he not only bites his lip, but keeps his teeth here and chews on it until it looks like it’s going to bleed. He gets overwhelmed by concern, sadness filling his chest when he sees him walking back to his chair, looking down to try and hide his furrowed brows. Not knowing what’s happening, he plans to go and ask as soon as the class is over.

Except when it ends, Youngjae is not at his desk anymore. Jaebeom looks around, tries to spot him in the crowd of students making their way out, and checks the door at the left of the room just in time to see a now familiar grey hoodie disappearing through it.

“Be right back.” he tells Jinyoung, already picking up his backpack and rushing to the door. 

He lost sight of the boy, so it takes a while to find him. It’s only when he has the idea to check the toilets of this floor, the ones that are so old and poorly maintained that nobody ever uses them, that he finds him. He’s crouched down against a wall, hugging his own knees to his chest while shaking like a leaf. His sobs are muffled because he’s hiding his face, forehead pressed against his thigh and Jaebeom’s heart breaks . He’s never seen him like that, so sad, so vulnerable, not even a second passes before he’s already on his knees in front of him, his bag abandoned somewhere on the floor. The boy gasps and shakes even harder when he lifts his head and sees him.

“Youngjae…” he breathes, worried as he’s ever been, but before he can even say anything the boy hides his face again and frantically shakes his head. “Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re fine,” he tells him, panicked. He tries putting a hand on his knee, carefully because he still doesn’t fully believe that Youngjae is fine with Jaebeom touching him. He doesn’t do anything though, doesn’t acknowledge it, just keeps crying and breathing hard. “You’re fine Youngjae,” he repeats, trying to keep his voice low and slow even if he’s freaking out inside. “You just need to breathe, come on. Breathe with me Jae.”

“I’m sorry !” Youngjae whimpers, looking so sad and pitiful that Jaebeom, too, feels like crying. Somehow he ends up gripping Jaebeom’s shirt and resting his head against his chest, sobbing harder the more time passes and he keeps pulling him forward until Jaebeom needs to put a hand against the wall to stabilize himself. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, hyung, I’m sorry I--”

“Shh... “ he soothes, wrapping him in a hug. “Shh, it’s alright, just breathe…” While he tries to get him to calm down his brain keeps thinking about what happened, about what got him panicking like that. “What happened, Jae ? I’m here, you can tell me, you’re fine with me,” he keeps doing his best to reassure him but Youngjae just shakes his head again and apologizes a few hundred times. 

It takes a while for him to calm down and when he does it’s still so sad, the way he sniffs and leans back to wipe his tears with his sleeve. Jaebeom keeps him in a loose hug, looking down at him with concern. 

“Gosh, sorry, I…” Youngjae chuckles breathlessly. Jaebeom shakes his head slowly, uses his thumb to dry the few tears that are still running down his cheeks.

“It’s okay Jae… What’s wrong, what happened ?”

He hesitates for a few seconds, looking at him with fearful eyes and Jaebeom tries to keep his own soft and honest, as reassuring as possible. “It’s nothing serious, I’m sorry hyung, I just… I’ve been so stressed over this essay, it’s so shitty, I already knew I was going to get a bad grade and disappoint everyone but when she told us to walk in front of everyone like that, and… And all of you expect me to do something amazing but I couldn’t and the teacher -- she’s going to get so mad -- and then there’s you and… I just… I don’t know. I’m so tired of this, Jaebeom hyung…”

“What about me ?” he asks, genuinely surprised, but Youngjae just shakes his head again with a sad smile and a heavy sigh, looking down again. “Okay, alright, you don’t need to tell me, just… It’s okay, Youngjae. It’s okay to be stressed out sometimes and to not always be the best at everything. Don’t worry too much, you aren’t going to disappoint anyone, it’s okay. Plus, I’m sure your essay is amazing.” he grins, but Youngjae makes a face, almost like a wince.

“Not helping…” he pouts, before hiding his face against his chest again. Jaebeom can’t help but chuckle as he wraps his arms tighter against him.

“Alright, okay,” he laughs. “I get it, no pressure. It’s true though.”

Youngjae whimpers again, but they stay there, hugging each other on the floor of a dirty bathroom. Jaebeom sways them from side to side, plays with the younger soft hair, not saying anything until he moves and tries to stand up. “How are you feeling now ?” he asks softly, not able to suppress his grin at the sight of his friend like that, with pink cheeks, tousled hair and pouty lips. 

“I’m fine…” he mumbles, flustered enough to not be able to look at him in the eyes. “Thank you hyung.”

“Alright, let’s take you home now, yeah ? I’ll give you a ride.”

Youngjae nods slowly, still pouting with embarrassment. But when Jaebeom tries to guide him out of this smelly room he suddenly asks him to wait. When Jaebeom looks back at him curiously he sees him raise his arm a bit, looking thoroughly focused as if he was thinking really hard. He stays like that for a while, pondering, until he seems to give up and his arm falls back. “Never mind.” he says, shaking his head. “Let’s go.”

Jaebeom does as ordered. But something feels weird. It might have only been his brain playing tricks on him. But he’s pretty sure he’s seen Youngjae’s eyes turn yellow for a second. 

When they’re in his car Youngjae plays with his fingers, looking down in shame. “I didn’t want you to see me like that,” he admits. “I never wanted that, I…” he stutters a bit, cheeks bright red and eyes deeply sad. “I’m sorry, I really wanted to stay the same for you, to be strong but--”

“I’m gonna stop you right there.” Jaebeom cuts him, trying to focus on him and on the road at the same time, which proves to be a bit tricky. “You are strong. You’ve got a lot of pressure to deal with because you’re the youngest and people are used to you being perfect all time. But you don’t have to be. Actually, you can’t, no one can. It’s pretty admirable already that you manage to always live up to people’s expectations like that without ever complaining. It’s only natural that it gets too much sometimes.”

They stop at a red light, so Jaebeom is able to look at him and send him a smile. “It’s fine, really. I don’t see you any differently, I still trust you, still want you to be my friend, none of that changed what I think of you. Stop worrying Youngjae, you don’t need to worry when you’re with me.”

Except it did change the way he sees him. Now Youngjae is all that he was before: kind, funny, cheerful, caring, helpful, thoughtful, strong and reliable. But now he’s also a cute boy who has weaknesses and whom Jaebeom really really wants to take care of. He wants to protect him from all the dangerous things in the world, to make sure that he never meets bad people, that he never gets hurt. He might really wrap him in a fluffy blanket one of these days.

And he’s had these kinds of thoughts toward his friends too, he really has, but it was never exactly like that and… Yeah. He can’t deny it anymore. He likes him. In a more than friends way.

Chapter Text

He doesn’t freak out. It’s not a big deal anyway. It’s not like this intense affection he has for Youngjae is new, it’s just that he didn’t realize how far it goes until now. It’s fine though, he’s not worried. It’s been a very long time since he’s last had a crush and it’s good, to feel that again. He’s well aware that Youngjae most likely doesn’t feel the same, at least not right now, because they’ve known each other for barely a month and it’s probably too little time for Youngjae to catch feelings like he did. 

He’s okay with that. He can take his time, bask in the joy he feels every time Youngjae focuses on him, and smiles or laughs or feels good thanks to him. Which happens a lot, by the way. Youngjae might not like him the way he does but he still gives him a lot of attention. More than he does to Jinyoung or Jackson or even Mark, despite how well they seem to get along. They spend a lot of alone time together, just the two of them, and it’s not only because of the songs they’re producing. Yes, songs , several songs, because they’ve already finished the one for their class project, but they decided that they wanted to do more, so they keep meeting in Jaebeom’s studio at least once a week. Everyday, when they have enough time. But they also spend some of their afternoons in the coffee shop they went to the first time, with no ulterior motive than to just hang out. Because they like it.

And even when they’re all together, with Jinyoung, Mark and Jackson, and Bambam and Yugyeom too, whom they’ve met eventually. (It’s way more awkward with them than it is with Youngjae, and the hope Jaebeom had to finally be able to make friends easily was sadly shattered, but it’s normal though, because it’s Youngjae.) Even then Youngjae seems to be paying a bit more attention to him than to the others. His eyes linger on him, their gazes keep meeting and each time Jaebeom grins and Youngjae smiles back with a light shade of pink on his cheeks. So maybe he likes him back, at least a little bit. Jaebeom isn’t going to do anything about it though, he doesn’t remember how all of this works. He’ll just let time do its thing and when the tension between them becomes unbearable, he’ll start thinking about it.

For now, he’s enjoying it as much as he can. It’s chill, comfortable and cute. Honestly he hasn’t seen himself act in such a cute way, ever. Jinyoung calls him a sap and he must admit, he’s a little bit of that. Who can blame him. It’s hard not to get cheesy when Choi Youngjae , the best student in their class, smart and mature but also overwhelmingly cute, kind and lovely, looks his way. 

A few months pass easily. The snow melts, to Jaebeom’s great disappointment, and from under it seeds start to grow. The white landscape turns green and then yellow, because it hasn’t rained for a very long time. They get an A+ on their project and Youngjae, an A on the essay he was panicking over. Jaebeom gets an A too. Still didn’t manage to get a better grade than him. It doesn’t matter as much as it did before they knew each other.

He’s still a little bit uncomfortable with Yugyeom and Bambam, especially with Bambam, because he’s so loud and unpredictable and he also does not seem to like Jaebeom a lot. Plus he really hates the hot and heavy air outside, so him and Youngjae spend more and more time in his studio the more summer approaches, just the two of them. Youngjae whines about it, because he loves summer. But he also loves Jaebeom’s studio. And Jaebeom’s company, hopefully. He never refuses when Jaebeom invites him over.

They’re working on yet another song. It’s an important one because it’s the tenth one they’ve done together. They got better with time, learning from each other, discovering and exploring new things until they find the perfect way to make both their styles work together. They’re getting there. Maybe this one song will be the perfect one. 

They’ve already finished the music itself, chosen the melody. All that’s left for it to be finished is writing the lyrics and recording. For the writing part they don’t even need to be in the studio, they could have done it outside, but Jaebeom insisted. So they laze around on the couch, getting a surprising amount of job done, given how distracted they tend to get. Youngjae is currently sitting at the end of the couch, an old notebook and a pen in his hands to write the lyrics whenever they find something that fits the melody. To make sure it does he hums it from time to time, or even sings out loud to test it out. 

Jaebeom saw an opportunity, so he took it. He’s lying beside Youngjae, using his thigh as a pillow, which turns out to be the most comfortable thing ever. He tries to help Youngjae with the lyrics, he really does. But with the occasional soft singing, the thigh under him just plump and warm enough, the comforting smell surrounding him and Youngjae’s hand playing with his hair mindlessly, scratching his scalp just right … He’s slowly falling asleep. The younger doesn’t seem to mind, each time Jaebeom opens his eyes for a second he sees how he’s smiling softly at his notebook. It’s adorable. Jaebeom does end up falling asleep not even five minutes later. 

He wakes up when Youngjae shakes him by the shoulder, and it makes him whine a little because he could have stayed there for a few hours (or a few days) more. Youngjae makes fun of him, of course he does, this brat. Jaebeom is too content to mind, he smiles lazily when Youngjae grabs his skateboard he had put against the kitchen wall, then walks him to the door.

Except he’s still somewhat sleepy, brain hazy from his nap, and what should have been their now usual hug turns into him leaning forward and kissing Youngjae goodbye. It’s nothing indecent really, just a quick press of his own lips against Youngjae’s cheek, very far from his lips. Yet when Jaebeom feels the man’s cool skin against his warmer lips he immediately wakes up completely and he leans back at the speed of light, very much aware of how much of a mistake it was.

Youngjae hasn’t moved, not even an inch. He’s looking up to him with big eyes, his face having turned really pale. He looks shocked and confused, but he doesn’t complain, so maybe… Maybe it wasn’t that bad ? Maybe it was allowed ?

Tentatively, unsure but so excited that his heart starts beating hard in his chest he brings a hand up to gently brush the younger’s cheek, then begins leaning forward. He makes it slow, giving a lot of time for Youngjae to stop him, trying to gauge his reaction. Eventually he gets to the conclusion that he’s going to let him do this, and he’s so, so happy, oh god . Fighting the urge to smile he closes his eyes and closes the distance between them.

He opens them again, when just before their lips can touch a hand suddenly collides with his chest and pushes him away, hard. Jaebeom takes a step back and scans Youngjae’s face worriedly. He’s stupid. God, he’s an idiot. What he thought was confusion and excitement on Youngjae’s face is in fact obvious panic and he didn’t even see it. He panics, too, knowing he messed up. He’d give everything to turn back time right now.

Youngjae still hasn’t said anything nor moved, his hand starting to shake where it’s still placed against Jaebeom’s chest, keeping him at a decent distance. Jaebeom can almost feel how hard and fast his brain, lungs and heart are working. He’s seen Youngjae having a panic attack a few times already, he knows the telltale signs. But he really doesn’t want him to have one because of him, when he’s usually the one to take care of him when it happens, to make him feel better.

“Hey.” he acts quickly, cupping Youngjae’s face with both hands without getting any closer. “Hey, sh, shh… It’s okay.” he whispers. Youngjae breathes harshly, looking like he wants to say something, but can’t. In the end he just shakes his head and tries to step back. Jaebeom won’t let him of course, he’s in taking care of Jae mode and there’s no way he’ll let him leave in this state.

“Calm down, breathe, it’s fine I won’t do anything, I’m sorry. I tend to forget how uncomfortable you get with skinship, I don’t know all your boundaries yet, but I won’t do that again I promise. Calm down, Jae.”

“Don’t kiss me,” Youngjae whimpers, shaking his head again and pushing harder against his chest. It hurts a bit, the words, not the hand, but Jaebeom won’t care right now. He will be sad about it, he knows it, but later.

“I won’t. I won’t, don’t worry, it’s okay. I’m sorry.”

Jaebeom plans on pulling him into a very tight hug, because it’s what usually works, but Youngjae doesn’t give him enough time. He grips both his wrists a bit harshly, and pulls Jaebeom’s hands away from his face. Then he looks at the floor with a sad gaze for a moment, murmurs “Sorry.” and before Jaebeom can even react he runs away. 

He could follow him. Go after him in the streets, call his name until he stops and Jaebeom can take him in his arms and make things right again. He could. But he thinks that Youngjae probably doesn’t really want to see him right now, it’ll make things worse. So he just texts Yugyeom, to warn him, because he still doesn’t dare texting Bambam. Then he goes back to his studio, where Youngjae’s smell still lingers and where he can freely cry over Youngjae rejecting him. 

It’s fine, he tells himself. He’s been there. He’s healed his broken heart before, he can do that again.

It hurts though. 

He would have been fine, he thinks. Probably. Maybe after a week or two. If Youngjae hadn’t been avoiding him. It makes sense that he does, it was naive of Jaebeom to think that things would stay the same. That their relationship wouldn’t change. Youngjae doesn’t talk to him anymore and he has every right to do so. He just thought… That their friendship was stronger than that. That maybe it would be weird for a few days but that they would be able to get over it and act as if nothing happened. But they don’t even spend time together anymore. Youngjae doesn’t come to his studio anymore, their song, which was so great already, is left unfinished. And even when they hang out at school - the breaks and meals they used to share, all seven of them, now they’re back to being four. Or even six sometimes, when Yugyeom and Bambam are with them but Youngjae seems to disappear each time.

It’s sad. It has him moping around a lot. Everyone knows about what happened, because Jinyoung and Mark noticed something was wrong at the exact second he greeted them the morning after. He told them, who told Jackson, and Bambam and Yugyeom know from Youngjae. It’s like secrets don’t even exist anymore in this group. He hates it. It’s humiliating.

He’s in the library, with Jinyoung and Bambam beside him, when he notices something else is strange. It’s not just Youngjae. The others have been acting weird around him lately. He hasn’t really paid attention to it, he’s been too busy being depressed. But this day it’s obvious.

Jinyoung is trying to make him work on an essay they both have to do, but he doesn’t have any strength left. He’s tired.

“Come on ! Stop thinking about Youngjae all the time and work a little, you sap !” Jinyoung grunts, not even caring about how he’s talking about Jaebeom’s attraction toward Youngjae when the latter’s best friend is right here. Doesn’t he realize how uncomfortable the whole situation is ?

“You’re the one who’s mentioning him. You think about him a lot too.” he mumbles, his cheek pressed against the hard wood of the table. Youngjae’s thigh was much more comfortable, his useless brain provides. 

“Yeah, ‘cause he’s my friend.” Jinyoung answers as he digitently writes ideas on his papers, not even focusing on Jaebeom. “But I don’t talk about him 24/7 like you do.” Jaebeom sighs. As much as he loves Jinyoung he’s fucking annoying sometimes. He doesn’t understand that sometimes not bothering him is better. That he should just shut up.

“Yeah well you’re not stupidly in love with him either so I guess that helps.” he snaps, closing his eyes, trying to pretend Jinyoung isn't here. He doesn't want to be here, he didn't want to come. He doesn’t even know why he agreed. He’s so tired, and it’s so hot outside that just surviving is using all his energy. He’d rather be sleeping. 

Before Jinyoung can even answer with another sassy comment Bambam, who has been ignoring them since they started talking, snaps his head up, looking at Jaebeom with shocked eyes. “Oh, so you’re in love with him ?” he repeats, a bit sassy too. Out of all the people he could have met today it had to be the two biggest assholes of the group. He’s so annoyed. 

Although now that he thinks about it he realizes that he did just say that without even paying attention to it. Oh, no, they won’t ever let him forget that. He’s so stupid, he doesn’t know if he’s angrier at them or at himself.

“I didn’t say that.” he retorts with a blank face, knowing that even if he was a good liar, which he is not, they wouldn’t have bought it. It’s useless but he still isn’t going to admit it.

“Oh but you DID !” Jinyoung blurts out, looking even more appalled than Bambam. He even puts down his pen. Suddenly, while he wasn’t giving any fuck just seconds before, the whole conversation seems very much interesting now that he can make fun of his friend. “Oh my god, hyung, you’re in love !”

“I’m not !” he almost shouts. “I like him ! And that’s already sad enough as it is !”

“But you just said-”

“Hyung.” Bambam interrupts, still staring at Jaebeom with a way too serious gaze as if he was analyzing him or something. Ugh, Jaebeom really doesn’t like him, he feels so uncomfortable with him. “Hyung he’s never said that before.”

Jinyoung falls silent. He, too, turns to look attentively at Jaebeom, who is really really starting to get annoyed. “Never ?” he repeats. “You mean…”

“Never.”

“Oh, but…”

Jaebeom thinks it’s stupid. Of course Bambam hasn’t ever heard Jaebeom saying he was in love. They’ve known each other for a few months and it’s been years since Jaebeom last felt that way for someone. It’s really not worth mentioning it and even less worth freaking over it like they are doing right now, looking at him with those stupids big eyes that make him want to leave and go hide somewhere. Straightening up on his chair he tells him just that, but Bambam just rolls his eyes as if he thought he was extremely stupid. 

“Whatever.” he says. “Jinyoung hyung, could I talk to you for a second ?”

It’s rare to see Bambam looking so serious, it’s like something really bad just happened. Jinyoung quickly nods and follows him to a more quiet part of the library, telling Jaebeom that he’ll be right back. But Jaebeom doesn’t wait for them to come back. He gathers his stuff and leaves. And if one of their books gets stolen, it’ll be just what they deserve for being such assholes. 

That’s the first time he notices and it’s as if now he can’t unsee it. They don’t act the way they used to anymore. All of them - well, except Jackson maybe. Jinyoung and Mark, his very own best friends, spend a lot of time with Yugyeom and Bambam and whenever Jaebeom joins them they suddenly stop talking and leave fast. It’s like they all share a big secret and he’s not part of it. It’s bothersome and honestly quite offending too. They act all cold and distant with him. Mark and Jinyoung barely answer their group chat anymore. 

At first he’s angry but it’s soon replaced with sadness. And guilt, because he doesn’t know what he did for all of them to act that way, but it must have been bad. He would have been fine with the whole Youngjae situation really. But it’s Jinyoung and Mark he’s talking about now. His bestest best friends. The two boys he knows basically since birth. Two of the most important people in his life. They’ve grown up together, the three of them against the rest of the world, always having each other’s back. And now those two boys are basically ignoring, avoiding and abandoning him. Leaving him behind whenever they can. He really doesn’t know what he did to deserve that, they’ve never, ever acted that way around him. It just makes him even more depressed. And lonely. It’s not that he’s a very weak man who acts all tough, he’s really not like that. He’s a normal person. Strong enough to go through life without any problem most of the time. Still, right now it feels a bit too much. Without a boyfriend he can survive. Without his best friends…

It leads to spending more time with Jackson, who seems to be just as clueless as he is. And while he loves Jackson with all he has, still… He’s not Mark and Jinyoung. No one can replace them.

It’s their decision though, and he thinks he should respect that. For a week he tries to act as if he doesn’t notice anything, as if everything is normal. But if they don’t want to be his friends anymore, and they obviously don’t, who is he to force them ? One day he gets to the conclusion that he would be a selfish asshole if he didn’t give them the space they seem to need. If he got jealous over Bambam and Yugyeom, two strangers that apparently replaced him quite easily. No, he can’t do that, he’s better than that. 

So on a Saturday night he makes himself a promise. He’ll stop trying to hang out with them all the time. He’ll stop being annoying and clingy, he’ll stop sending the first text. He’ll leave them alone for a while, until they decide that he’s decent enough to go back to him. If they ever do, that is. 

The next Monday when Jinyoung goes to sit next to Youngjae, Jaebeom doesn’t follow him. A bit more shyly than he would usually do, he asks Hyungwon if he can sit with him for an undetermined amount of time. He sighs heavily, from relief, when he answers with the warmest smile and tells him that, “Of course you can, it’s been a while, how have you been ?”

It’s sad, when Jaebeom realizes how much of a long time it has been since the last time someone genuinely smiled at him.

The next class is great, Hyungwon and his friend that Jaebeom had never met before, Joohoney, are good fun. They make Jaebeom release quiet chuckles from time to time, and allow him to relax slightly. He enjoys it for as long as he can. Which isn’t long, he knows it, because he hasn’t missed Jinyoung’s confused gaze when he looked his way.

As soon as the teacher dismisses them Jaebeom bids his goodbyes to Hyungwon and Johooney, throws his bag on one of his shoulders and leaves the room, feeling very heavy and anxious. Jinyoung isn’t the only one who knows him by heart. It goes both ways; he, too, is able to predict what his best friend’s actions are going to be and now he knows he probably won’t avoid a little bit of questioning.

He’s correct, for when he passes through the door frame he sees a familiar figure waiting for him in the corridor. Taking a deep breath, he slowly, reluctantly walks closer, mentally preparing himself for a very serious talk. 

“Hyung.” Jinyoung tells him when he’s close enough. Jaebeom answers with a low “Hi…” almost whispered, trying to look as humble as he can. One of his theories regarding his friends’ change of behaviour is that maybe he got arrogant again, so he’s trying to work on that a lot. Better put his pride aside for a while and appear a bit pitiful, rather than having his favorite people hating him.

Jinyoung’s eyes squint, then widen, allowing Jaebeom to spot the exact moment he understands. Yeah, they still don’t need words. It keeps being impressive each time, how easily they understand each other. Jinyoung doesn’t waste a single second. He takes his hyung’s hand in his and leads him through the corridor, going outside the old, grey building to find a somewhat less crowded, more private place where they could talk. 

“I’m sorry--” he says as soon as he turns to face him. “I just--” Jaebeom says at the almost same time, both shutting up immediately, wanting to listen to what the other has to say. Jaebeom keeps looking down, ashamed, his free hand tightening its grip on his backpack’s strap. 

“Yeah, hyung, tell me how you feel.” Jinyoung encourages, his thumb drawing soothing circles against the back of his hand, that he’s still holding.

“I just-- I don’t understand. I don’t know what I have done for you to act this way but… Whatever it is, you know I’m sorry, right ? If I’ve been an arrogant jerk of something… I mean, I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes but usually you understand that I don’t mean it and you don’t… Get mad like…” he trails off, still gloomily staring at the ground, wondering if he made the best choice of words, or if he messed up even more. 

“Oh, hyung, no.” Jinyoung answers without any hesitation, wrapping his arms around his back and pulling him to his chest. Jaebeom lets his bag fall heavily to the ground and hides his face against his friend’s neck, humming but not knowing what he means with it. 

“I’m sorry, really, I didn’t realize…” Jinyoung keeps going, holding him really tight, just the way Jaebeom likes. “I’m just in a weird place right now, there’s something… There’s something that made it hard for me to be comfortable around you. But I swear, it’s nothing you have done, it’s not your fault, you’re not an arrogant jerk, you’ve never been. Don’t let all those people who don’t know shit about you make you think otherwise.” 

“But then,” Jaebeom hesitates, not understanding the situation enough to allow himself to feel relieved, “Why…”

“I’m really sorry.” he repeats. “There’s something… As your best friend there’s something I feel like I should tell you. But I also don’t think I should be the one saying this… And I promised I wouldn’t. That’s why I didn’t know how to act, and I thought about it so much that I didn’t pay attention to how you were feeling. I’m so sorry, hyung. I failed you. If anyone was a jerk here, it was definitely me.”

Jinyoung can be an asshole sometimes. An annoying sassy boy. But Jaebeom can tell when he’s genuine and these apologies, he means them. And he can also hear the bit of insecurity in his voice. Jinyoung has always wanted to be a good friend for him. And, yeah, he is that, too. He’s a lot of things and Jaebeom loves him to death. 

“It’s okay, just…” he tells him, eventually putting a little bit of distance between them because he already feels way better, now that he knows he doesn’t need to feel guilty for anything. “Let’s just go back to how things were before, please. I can’t take this anymore. And… If there’s any way I can help you with this situation, please… Tell me how I can solve it.” He stares at Jinyoung with a serious gaze, to make sure he knows he means it. Jinyoung stares back, with the blank face he always has when he’s thinking really hard. He hesitates, a few moments.

“Maybe…” he murmurs, very slowly, an obvious lack of confidence in his voice, “...You should talk to Youngjae.”

Youngjae.

Jaebeom’s heart, which had just started beating normally again, drops. Yeah, right, Youngjae. He’s been so focused on Mark and Jinyoung lately that he had almost forgotten about this issue. But hearing his name again, it sends an ache in his chest that he still hasn’t figured out how to deal with.

“What do you want me to say ?” he asks, a bit sarcastic. “ ‘Hey, Youngjae, I’m so super in love with you that it hurts when you’re away and I miss you real hard so please come back to me even as a friend, I’m desperate enough to settle for this.” He says that while rolling his eyes, to show how ridiculous he thinks the idea is. But Jinyoung just keeps staring and slowly, very slowly, nods.

“Yeah. You should start with that.”

Jaebeom doesn’t. He’s definitely not desperate enough. It’s not that he doesn’t need it. He does. He’s not over it, not at all. But he will be. Plus, Youngjae’s rejection was crystal clear and he doesn’t want to be one of those dumbasses who can’t take no as an answer. Nah, he’s a grown up, respectful guy and if Youngjae doesn’t want to see his face anymore, then he won’t. Is Jaebeom going to be sad about it ? Yes. Is he willing to do this, for Youngjae’s well being ? Definitely. 

It’s Mark who eventually convinces him. In their trio, Jinyoung is the advice-giver, always. And when it’s him who needs advice, then Jaebeom delivers. Mark, though, he very rarely does it. Because his power gives him information about people’s private life that he really doesn’t want, and doesn’t allow himself to share, he always thinks very carefully about his words and when the subject is too serious he tries not to intervene. He’s thoughtful like that.

And while Jinyoung’s advice is usually pretty good, it still doesn't have as much meaning as Mark’s does. Mark gives some only if he knows that it’s absolutely necessary and that it is, without any doubt, the best and safest solution there is. So when Mark solemnly tells Jaebeom, “You should really talk to Youngjae,” Jaebeom decides he’ll do just that.

He needs to think about it first though. It’s really not that easy.

It takes him a whole weekend to prepare himself and even after that he’s still not completely sure. But if Mark and Jinyoung want him to do it, then he will. Especially if it can free Jinyoung from the guilt he’s been feeling a lot lately. 

It’s as he’s already waiting for Youngjae, just in front of the building where he knows the boy has his last class in, that the thought comes to him. He hasn’t talked to him since that one day. Sure, he’s seen him around. From afar he could see when Youngjae got a new haircut, and while Jaebeom already thought he looked gorgeous before, now it’s even worse. He’s also seen how sad and anxious he always looked whenever their eyes met for a second, before Youngjae averted his own. Apart from that, not a single word, smile, or touch has been exchanged between them. He misses him, yeah, but he’s also completely forgotten how to act around him. 

So when he actually appears and their eyes meet he freezes, panic rising in his chest. He can tell Youngjae is just like him, because the rhythm of his steps falters an instant, before he resumes his pace as if nothing had happened. Jaebeom makes sure to wave at him, making known that he is here for him , and takes a deep breath as he sees him approaching. It’s already so awkward…

“Hey…” he takes a step forward when Youngjae is already close enough and, god, he’s missed this face. He’s suddenly reminded of how great this man is, how happy he was by his side and how now it’s over. His heart keeps aching, no matter how many times he tells himself that he’s just being a drama queen, that it’s too cheesy to be hurt that much over something that stupid. But fuck it, he’s in love. Of course it hurts.

Youngjae doesn’t do anything but stare at him, so Jaebeom takes this as a sign that he’s at least willing to listen. It’s a bit embarrassing, and Jaebeom feels uneasy, because normally he’s used to having his hand held when he’s having serious conversations (courtesy of Jinyoung). But he can’t really reach for Youngjae’s now, can he ? The whole point of this is to show him, prove him that he’ll never do anything to make him uncomfortable again. So he keeps his distance and talks, just like he swore he would.

“I think Mark has probably warned you already but I really-- I really wanted to talk to you about what happened last time.” he takes another deep breath, the nerves getting the best of him as Youngjae makes a face as if he had just bitten into a lemon. “I know I did something that I shouldn’t have done and that you have every right not to talk to me anymore but I just… I wanted to say sorry and that-- That it pains me how we’re not friends anymore. I’m not asking anything from you, I swear I was fine with what we had before all that happened, I’m sorry really, it won’t happen again, just…”

He feels tears filling his eyes and it’s stupid. He’s an adult, he should be able to just talk to his crush without crying, damn it. But it’s been so long. And he’s been feeling so lonely .

Youngjae seems sad, too. He lowers his head, looking ashamed and a little bit guilty too as he lets out a quiet “Sorry.” before he falls silent again. Jaebeom aches , seeing him like this, so calm and quiet, his face, where his huge cute smile usually rests, now expressionless, dull.

“I didn’t just want to talk to you for selfish reasons though !” he’s quick to assure, taking a step forward because he doesn’t know how to comfort people without being close to them. “You know, I’ve been looking at you a lot these past few weeks and you… You’ve been looking... so… sad …” He looks at Youngjae as if he’s begging, for him to react, say something, do something, but he doesn’t. He keeps avoiding his gaze, lips sealed. “Please Youngjae…” he insists, “I came here to make things right. If not for me then at least for you, I don’t want to keep seeing you suffer like this, I don’t… I just want to help, please let me help.”

This time Youngjae does look up, his eyes red and shining with suppressed tears. Jaebeom has to actually fight himself not to hug him right there and then. “Why do you care ?” the boy asks, but his voice is soft, weak even, not harsh. Jaebeom sighs, saddened by the mere fact that Youngjae thought he didn’t . Has he given him such a bad impression of himself ?

“I care, Jae.” he whispers, ignoring the growing urge he has to get closer, wrap himself around him, comfort. “Of course I care.”

“Why ?” Youngjae repeats, firmer this time, like he really expects an answer and honestly, he’s gonna get one. Jaebeom has given a lot of thoughts about what Jinyoung told him that day. How he should be honest and confess, tell him how deep his feelings truly are. He’s not sure how this is going to make things better, but he agrees that not hiding, not ignoring the truth may be better now. 

He takes another breath, because he needs it, because he’s shaking already. Then he looks at him dead in the eyes, but with the softest look he can manage. “I like you,” he confesses. Firmly, without any hesitation, dropping the nonchalant act once and for all. “I like you, that’s why I care.”

If anything Youngjae looks even more pained than before. It’s not good. But Jaebeom can take another rejection if that’s what it takes for him to feel better again. At least now he’s said it, he won’t have any regrets later. Or that’s what he’s trying to convince himself of.

“You said the same thing back then…” the younger murmurs, making Jaebeom even more confused. Back then ? He hasn’t said anything back then, what is he talking about ? Why does it remind him so much of what Bambam said that one day at the library ?

“...Jae ?” he asks softly, not understanding anything anymore. Whatever this big secret they all share is, he really hopes they’ll tell him soon. Not knowing is the worst. 

Youngjae looks up at him again, warily this time, eyeing him suspiciously for a second. Then he sighs, heavily, in what looks like surrender. “I’ll lose you.” he whispers, the tears he is so stubbornly trying to suppress, loud and clear in the tone of his broken voice as he steps forward.

Jaebeom wants to tell him that no, he’ll never lose him, that Jaebeom isn’t going anywhere, that he’ll always be here for him, no matter when or where or what for. That he’ll protect him, that he loves him. 

He can’t, because suddenly there are lips on his own and god , he’s dreamt of those lips. And he can’t even focus on how soft and plump and warm and perfect they are, because almost immediately his head starts spinning.

It’s a cheesy thought, that such a simple kiss makes him dizzy, but it really does make him dizzy.

He really can’t focus. For some reasons his head starts hurting really bad and it’s like the world around him starts spinning. He feels lightheaded, his limbs becoming numb as if no more blood could reach there. 

Then he sees a white flash. And one more. And again and again and in between them he can see scenes that show him but that he’s never lived. Or has he ? He doesn’t remember. He can’t even tell what’s real and what isn’t, he doesn’t know, he can’t think, can’t breath. The scenes all showcase him and Youngjae and sometimes other people like their friends but they feel as if they’d been filmed from an outsider point of view. And they overlap each other until it’s impossible to guess which one is what. It’s a mess. It makes him ache.

He’s overwhelmed, not even aware of - of anything anymore really. He doesn’t even get to ask himself what’s happening because the flashes and pangs of pain in his head and in other weird places in his body like his leg and arm don’t give him enough time, he can’t take a break. He feels so sick, like he’s going to pass out any second, when everything around him and in his own mind is so fast and harsh and overwhelming. 

Then it stops. 

Slowly, out of breath, he opens his eyes that he didn’t even remember he’d closed. And when he does his gaze falls on Youngjae, whom he’s still hugging loosely, arms wrapped around his waist - when did this even happen ?!

There’s something weird though. When the cloud in his brain dissipates he can see how things have changed . Not Youngjae himself, but something about… The lights… And the weather maybe… 

When barely a minute before - or has it been an hour ? - it had been sunny and hot and bright, now the colors seem a bit darker, more dull. As if someone put a weird greyish filter in front of his eyes. And he can’t feel the heat anymore, nor can he feel any cold air… Or any air at all. He can’t hear any bird or any conversation either.

He’s so confused. He blinks at Youngjae a few times, quietly, then looks around. And wow. Just. Wow.

They’re a whole damn storm happening. But not just a simple, harmless storm. A huge one. One that seem really fucking dangerous. The trees around them look close to their breaking point from the powerful wind and pouring rain. It feels like there’s a hundred lightings per second and so much wind that they should be flying around right now. He’s never witnessed such a storm.


Or has he ? 

How come he can’t feel anything though ? Not the wetness of his clothes, not the rain against his naked arms, he can’t even hear the wind howling nor can he feel it in his hair. How come he’s not panicking either, just looking around curiously, observing, a distant voice telling him he should be scared. And while he agrees with that, he just… can’t. He’s relaxed. Serene, even. Just confused, so confused. 

He does feel a puff of air landing on his cheek. He turns back to Youngjae. Oh, he had almost forgotten. Youngjae. Who’s so close to him right now. Who just kissed him. Whom he loves.

He doesn’t say anything, but his face must give out his emotions anyway because soon Youngjae, who had been doing nothing but expectantly looking up at him until now, grins reassuringly and puts a hand against his cheek. 

“Shh, it’s okay.” he promises. Then he kisses him again. 

It starts all over again. It’s torture, it feels like it will never end. And it hurts so much, so much, he wants to cry and beg and ask for mercy until someone makes it stop . It’s too much, the flashes, the pain, the memories he can’t even comprehend, the--

It stops again. This time it feels real. He hadn’t realized it but the gravity had gotten lighter and now it’s normal again. Everything is back to normal actually, the sun and birds and heat, the people around them. And he can actually feel. So much that he needs to bring a hand up to his head because it hurts so damn much. His heart is pounding against his chest, too big, too heavy, too fast. 

Then there’s a pair of cool lips against his cheek, that make him calm down a little bit. It’s soothing. He blinks down, sees Youngjae. His Youngjae. Who had used his powers against him. His powers ? Wait, no, he hasn’t. In another universe maybe ? But what… And why…

What the hell are these memories ?

His brain gets to work slowly. Probably trying to analyse the huge amount of information he has received, eight months of his own life - but then again is it really his life? - needing to be registered in less than a minute. It’s cloudy, foggy, as if he still can’t remember everything, all the details. Yet the more he tries to think about what he’s just seen, the less he feels like he’s missing something. Given enough time, he thinks he would actually be able to make sense of it all. 

Youngjae seems to know that. At some point he tried to take a step back, but Jaebeom didn’t let him, quickly wrapping his arms around him again. So now he’s waiting. Patiently, calmly, although looking a little bit apprehensive. Which is… understandable. Legit. 

When he finally comes back to his senses completely, Jaebeom’s heart misses a bit. Oh, he doesn’t remember everything, but he remembers… enough. Enough to know what happened last time. The storm, Youngjae, the yelling, the crying, the kiss. Damn.

“Oh, baby,” he breathes, tears filling his own eyes as he looks at Youngjae. “You must have been so scared it would happen again…”

It’s like he’s been waiting for Jaebeom to say something to finally react. Almost immediately he lets out a loud sob, then nods, heavy tears running down his cheeks. Jaebeom tugs him closer, allows him to hide his head against his chest, then he hugs the hell out of him. 

“It was so hard, ” Youngjae wails, fisting his shirt and pressing close, so close to him. “I’ve been so used to using my powers every time something go wrong and it was so reassuring and easy but then-- I had to restart everything and you ordered me not to use them anymore but I-- I had to see myself making so many mistakes knowing that I could do something but I couldn’t and I was so -- so scared that you would -- that I would deceive you and this time I wouldn’t have any excuse to turn back time and I’d just -- lose you -- forever--”

“That wouldn’t happen,” Jaebeom reassures softly, rubbing his back, hiding his own face in the younger’s hair. He’s crying, too, more quietly and calmly, he’s pretty sure Youngjae can’t even tell. He doesn’t know why he does. He’s just overwhelmed. “It won’t happen, Jae. Never.”

“But I--”

“Shh, calm down…” he sways them gently, doing his very best to make him feel better. “Breathe, stop crying, we’ll talk later.”

Youngjae cries until he has no more tears to give. All the while he clings to Jaebeom, holds him so tight it takes his breath away sometimes. He doesn’t care. Neither does he about his slowly becoming drenched shirt. It’s nothing, compared to what Youngjae went through. And as he calms down, loud sobs turning into small hiccups, then quiet sniffling, Jaebeom’s own uneven breathing becomes audible. 

When he does completely calm down, Youngjae leans back so he can look at Jaebeom’s face and freezes. “How are you feeling ?” the older asks quietly, not allowing him to go too far. Youngjae frowns, reaches up to dry the few tears that are still sliding down Jaebeom’s sharp cheekbones. 

“Sorry,” he murmurs, “And… Guilty. I’m really sorry.”

Jaebeom grins, shakes his head and leans into Youngjae’s hand on his cheek. “You made a mistake,” he admits, “And when you realized it was bad you stopped doing it even when it got hard. You were great. In this universe, Jae, you’ve done nothing worth apologizing for.”

He smiles. It’s weak, a bit sad still, but it’s a smile, so it’s a success. They still have so much to discuss though, Jaebeom has so many questions to ask. He doesn’t even know where to start. 

“... Why haven’t you told me ?” he ends up asking. “I mean the others… I mean Jinyoung and Mark, they know, don’t they ? Why did you tell them and not… me ?” Youngjae winces, takes his hand away from Jaebeom’s face, putting it against his chest instead, so he can play with the collar of his shirt.

“I was scared and… You didn’t exactly react in a great way back then, you’ve kinda been… harsh. I wanted to make sure I still wanted to be your friend… or… that I would still be able to fall in love with you after that.”

Jaebeom frowns, tries to order the newly acquired memories in his brain to recall what he has done. He does remember some yelling… Yugyeom and Mark’s angry faces… But he doesn’t know what caused it. “Have I ?” he asks, confused. Youngjae smiles bitterly. He nods, then without a warning he kisses him again.

Jaebeom really tries to focus on the kiss this time. He doesn’t even know if he was able to kiss back the first two times. This once neither, he can’t. His efforts are no use, in one second he finds himself overwhelmed with new memories again. They’re more distinct, now that he’s grasped the situation a little bit more. He’s panicking less. So, since he can’t concentrate on Youngjae anyway, he chooses to concentrate on the pictures instead. 

It’s quite awful, seeing himself yell at his boy like that. Sure, he was hurting, panicking, and he didn’t know how sensitive Youngjae could really be. And sure, he had every right to be angry. But damn, it still breaks his heart, each time he sees Youngjae cry… And because of him... 

“Oh, shit, I did…” he breathes when he comes back to reality. Youngjae chuckles anxiously, bites his lips and shrugs. He’s so cute. Jaebeom would really like to be able to kiss him properly. “I’m sorry,” he says instead. “For what I said back then, I’m deeply sorry Youngjae.”

“No, hyung, don’t.” Youngjae sternly, firmly answers. “You haven’t done anything wrong. Your reaction, although painful, was normal and logical. You don’t need to apologize for anything. In any universe.”

“Then does it mean that… You managed to fall in love with me again ?”

This time the smile is genuine. And soft and cute and pretty and damn it, Jaebeom wants to kiss . He’s hated Youngjae’s powers during their fight. But he hates them even more now. “Yeah, I did.” the boy nods, eyes glinting with happiness. “You’re an amazing person, hyung. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Fuck it , Jaebeom thinks. If he can’t kiss him on the lips then he’ll do everywhere else. He showers him quick pecks on his cheeks, his eyebrows, his forehead, the mole under his eyes, the one on his neck, trying to show how grateful he is. 

Youngjae is like Jinyoung in a way. He doesn’t ever hesitate to show how much he loves his close ones, but putting it into words is often too awkward for him. He doesn’t compliment people easily. So hearing him saying this, so confidently, so certain… Jaebeom is so happy. So thankful.

“Hyung, stop--” Youngjae whines, trying to get away from the kisses. Jaebeom tightens his hold around him as he keeps struggling. His cheeks are so red, it’s adorable. He’s so fucking cute, Jaebeom can’t . “Hyung seriously we’re like, in the middle of the campus you can’t -- everyone can see us--”

“Don’t care.” he ends with a peck against his lips, quick enough that no flash can appear. “I’ve waited long enough and we’ve been hugging for ages anyway. Let them see how much I love you, I want them to know.”

Youngjae freezes completely. He looks up at him, shocked enough to have Jaebeom chuckle. “Love… ?” he stutters. He’s beet-red by now, and if it isn’t the best thing Jaebeom has ever seen. 

“Love.” he repeats with a nod and a smirk.

“But, but you… You’ve never said…”

“I did, just now.”

“But… I…”

Jaebeom lets out a full laugh. He’s so happy, and Youngjae being a shy little bean makes him even happier. He drops another kiss on his forehead, between his soft strands of wavy hair, because he can’t resist. “Babe.” he states and smirks when Youngjae groans, embarrassed by the nickname. “As much as I liked you back then. I think I love this Youngjae even more.”

He gets a whimper, and Youngjae hides his red face behind his hands. Jaebeom lets him, poor boy deserves a break. “I know…” he whines. “I’ve noticed how it took you less time to catch feelings this time… I can’t believe…” he makes another embarrassed sound, that Jaebeom can’t help but find absolutely endearing. “...That you like the lame me better.” he finishes. 

Lame ? Lame ?!! Jaebeom can’t believe his ears. Lame, for real ? Does he seriously mean that ? He clicks his tongue, annoyed. For the smartest boy of the class, he’s being pretty dumb right now.

“Okay, let’s agree on a first rule.” he snaps, gripping Youngjae’s wrist to prevent him from hiding. “Don’t ever say mean things about my boyfriend again, okay ?”

He’s being cheesy. He knows it. But he just likes making his boyfriend blush, who can blame him ? He does, blush. He also widens his eyes and looks at him as if he had grown a second head. Then he tries to regain his calm by averting his eyes and coughing a little. He lets out a croaked “Okay.” and only then a smile finds its way back to his face. It's small, soft, but undoubtedly satisfied and pleased. He’s gorgeous. 

Great, so that’s settled. They’ll be boyfriends. It’s great . But he still has a few thousands questions in stock.

“Jae, I’m sorry, I need to ask…” he begins, back to serious. “Have you been using your powers on me again ?”

At this, Youngjae surprisingly smirks. He bites his lip again and nods, slowly, a teasing glint in his eyes. Jaebeom arches an eyebrow, not sure what he might find amusing in this situation, but he doesn’t give him enough time to worry too much. “I have.” he states. “You tend to underestimate how easily you get hurt, hyung.”

“... Getting hurt is an important part of life too, babe…” Jaebeom answers carefully, not sure what to think of that. 

“Really ? Ah, well I guess I should have let you get hit by that car and sent to the hospital. Weeks of not being able to see me, hug me, make music…”

“Alright nevermind.” Jaebeom cuts him. “Whatever you’ve been doing, keep doing it. You’re doing great, sweetie. Good job.”

Youngjae laughs. He always laughs the most when he’s being mischievous. He’s a little demon, but Jaebeom can’t mind it when his arms suddenly wrap around his shoulders and he gets pulled into a hug. Not a too tight one like when he’s trying to cheer Youngjae up, or too loose like what they’ve been sharing while talking. This one is perfect. Soft and calm and relaxing. With Youngjae’s head against his chest and him being able to bury his face in his boyfriend’s soft hair. He can get used to it. He’s still worried though…

“Jae…” he sighs. “Does it mean… There’ll be another storm ? It’s in two months, right ?...”

“There won’t.” Youngjae answers confidently. “And you’re gonna make fun of me for years if I tell you why.”

Jaebeom leans back, raises his brows, curious. The whole conversation is so out of his comfort zone, too many different emotions at the same time, too exposed. He was happy seconds ago, now he’s just… Concerned. “Meaning ?” he questions.

“Hyung.” Youngjae chuckles. “My power. It’s ridiculous. Like, the fact that you remember things when I kiss you ? Cheesy as hell. But there’s also like… A rule. I don’t know who created it but it’s so dumb. If I use it for a selfish reason. Something bad happens. But if I only want to help other people, it’s fine. So, no storm. Because the only thing I’ve done is prevent you from getting hurt.”

“... Seriously ?” Jaebeom huffs, biting his lips to stop himself from smiling. Youngjae has that playful gaze and grin again, and Jaebeom is so fond. If someone told him there was someone more lovable than him, he wouldn’t believe it.

“Come on, laugh. I know you want to.” 

So Jaebeom does. He laughs loudly, letting his forehead bump against Youngjae’s. “Sorry babe,” he says in between bursts of laughter. “It’s just so cliché !”

His boy doesn’t seem to mind. He laughs, too, patting Jaebeom’s back. And when he decides they’ve mocked his power too much, he gets closer and shuts him up by stealing another kiss. Jaebeom is slowly getting used to it. He lets himself drown in the mess of new memories, in the storm that is his mind, still frustrated, but he figures he’ll deal with it, if he wants to be with him.

“This is hella annoying,” he still complains when Youngjae breaks the kiss, pouting because apparently, it’s frustrating for him too. “Do you know any way to make it stop ? I want to kiss you properly,” but he only gets a shrug. 

“Don’t know. Maybe when you remember everything and there’s no more things to see it’ll stop ?”

“We’ve got a lot of kissing to do then…” Jaebeom suggests with a smirk. When Youngjae answers with one of his own, he decides they’ve spent too much time in plain sight already, and that it’s about time they find somewhere private to… continue what they’ve been doing. 

So he takes one last look at him, grasps his hand, and they make a run to the dorms. 

“You’ve found it.” Bambam tells them later, when they’re all gathered at a restaurant to ‘celebrate this’ (Jackson’s idea, of course). Youngjae nods with a dazzling smile, but Jaebeom is confused.

“What ?” he asks.

“The one universe in which you’re happy together.”