Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chat: HELP
Time: 4:13 pm

Pat💙 added three people to HELP

Pat💙: can someone proofread my story for the contest???

Logan: You’re entering the short story contest? Roman’s got competition.

RoRo: I DO NOT

RoRo: Also, for $$$ I’ll tell you how to increase your income using only your elbows

Pat💙: I have several questions, but just keep being you Roman!!!

Logan: I’ll proofread your story if you like, Patton.

Pat💙: I just added you to the doc!!!

Logan: Alright.

Logan: I’m not proofreading this.

Logan: Patton get back here, I’m not proofreading your Shrek fanfiction.

Pat💙: Lo, you promised!!!

RoRo: Just get Remus to do it hed pay you to read it anyway

Pat💙: Remus is scary tho!!!

Logan: Why are you using three punctuations at the end of every sentence? That is grammatically incorrect.

RoRo: stfu lolo justt let us be heccing dummmm

Logan: I don’t even know how to respond to a sentence that atrocious.

RoRo: i am stronk not smort leave me alooneeee

Logan: *Strong

Logan: *Smart

Logan: *Alone

Logan: Also, as I am clearly smarter and most likely stronger that you, your statement has no positive reflection on you.

RoRo: bet

Logan: Meet me in the gym. I can do more sit-ups than you in sixty seconds. I know this for a fact.

RoRo: nO YOU CAN’T

Chat: HELP
Time: 4:25pm

RoRo: Update: yes he fucking can my con go debts is crushed

RoRo: *confidence

RoRo: Also he was stretching before and he can touch his feet to his head while doing seal stretch I’m afraid for my life

RoRo: i think hes an alien

Logan: You are aware that I can see these messages, correct?

RoRo: sorry wrong chat please don’t murder me in my sleep

Logan: I believe Patton has this chat muted, so he will be more likely to reply if you send this to only him like you intended.

RoRo: no I meant to send it to the other chat hes got that one muted too i was just going to leave it for him to find when he returns

Logan: Other chat?

RoRo: yeah we’ve got one with us and Jan and our local feral cat we pulled out of a dumpster

Logan: Oh.

Logan: I assume that by “Feral cat” you are referring to Remus?

RoRo: ye

Pat💙: Aww kiddo! You don’t need to feel like your confidence is crushed just cause Logan’s good at situps!!! I bet there’s plenty of stuff you can do that Logan can’t!!!

Logan: Correct. It is an objective fact that I cannot sing.

Pat💙: That’s not true either Lolo!!! You just need more practice!!! But for now Roman is better!!!

Logan: What kind of story are you submitting for the writing contest this season, Roman?

RoRo: ...if i told you it was twelve pages of fanfic of you and pat getting married what would you say

Logan: “Falsehood. I highly doubt you would choose that topic or write a story that length.”

RoRo: it was twelve pages of fanfic of you and pat getting married

Logan: Falsehood. I highly doubt you would choose that topic or write a story that length.

RoRo: wow you were serious about that huh

Logan: I am always serious.

RoRo: either way if you don’t believe you can read it when it wins the contest

Logan: If, not when. Nothing is certain except for death.

RoRo: wow mr williams and his monotone Kermit the Frog voice is really getting to you huh

Logan: Goodnight.

Pat💙: GN!!!

RoRo: When the rays of morning light touch the rooftops, I may grace you with my presence once again

RoRo: Gn pat

Chapter Text

Time: 9:02 pm
Private chat

Pat💙: Hi!!!

Logan: I though you were going to bed?

Pat💙: Nope, just trying to get Roman to sleep!!! He takes a while to wind down most times and I don’t want him up until 2 am

Logan: True, he does have a tendency to do that.

Pat💙: Also I just wanted to talk to you!!!

Logan: Alright. What do you need?

Pat💙: Oh I don’t need anything, I just want to hang out with my best friend!!!

Logan: ...

Logan: Best friend?

Pat💙: Of course silly!!! You’re my bestest friend in the whole entire world!!! Roman is a close second though

Logan: I didn’t know you even considered me a friend.

Pat💙: Of course you’re my friend Logan!!! We’ve been hanging out together for years and you’re always so fun!!!

Logan: Apologies, I assumed my presence was more tolerated than enjoyed.

Pat💙: Aww no D: you’re amazing Lo I love you!!!

Logan: I care about you as well, Patton. Thank you.

Pat💙: Virtual hug since you don’t like hugs!!! >-(^-^)-<

Logan: >-(•-•)-<

Pat💙: GASP WAIT!!!

Logan: What is it?

Pat💙: >-( (^)-(^) )-< GLASSES!!!

Logan: >-([•]-[•])-<

Pat💙: Anyway love you Lo!!! Gn for real this time!!!

Logan: Good night, Patton.

Time: 1:15 am
Private chat

😈: Good morning!!!!!!!!!!! Its technically morning

Logan: Good morning, Virgil.

😈: I have three iced coffees and god can’t stop me

Logan: I would advise you not to drink that many coffees this late at night.

😈: G O D CANT STOP ME LOGAN

Logan: Technically, if there is in fact a god you could potentially be stopped by being struck by lightning.

😈: yo u dont eeem to understaf that i am currentlg unstoppadble

Logan: Your spelling is decreasing in quality, and from past experience I would say that is your cue to go to bed.

😈: Im beimg bullied /j

Logan: You should sleep, I believe you have school in the morning.

😈: Logan you knoe my grates rn font matter since im movind to public schiol soom

Logan: True, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a decent sleep schedule.

😈: Lst me take advabtage if beinh homeschooled wgile i have the xhance

😈: stopvsinga lutddje bitch anout ir

Logan: I cannot understand a single word of that sentence except “Bitch”.

Logan: Virgil? Are you still there?

Logan: As you’re probably asleep, I’m going to leave you alone now.

Logan: Good Night.

Chapter Text

Chat: HELL.net
Time: 6:27 pm

🤠🤠🤠: YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED

Pat💙: What happened???

RoRo: So we were going to sign Remus up for dance classes see

JannyDeevito: That already sounds like a bad idea

RoRo: Shut up.

RoRo: So he’s going into hiphop, but we passed the ballet rooms on our way there

🤠🤠🤠 changed their name to HipHipHipReplacement

JannyDeevito: I have several questions

RoRo: Guess who’s doing ballet?!

JannyDeevito: You’re being overdramatic, just tell us

HipHipHipReplacement: OUR LOVELY FRIEND WHO MANAGES TO BE BOTH DUMB AS A ROCK AND ALBERT EINSTEIN AT THE SAME TIME AND ALSO CAN LIFT HIS LEG ABOVE HIS HEAD APPARENTLY

Pat💙: Logan???

JannyDeevito: Logan can wHAT

Pat💙: That’s so cool!!!

HipHipHipReplacement: Also, if I may add,

RoRo: You may add

HipHipHipReplacement: I would join that damn ballet class just to see him like that again because 👀

RoRo: You may not add

JannyDeevito:
Go to horny jail *bonk*

Time: 7:03 pm
Private chat

Pat💙: You never told me you did dance, Lolo!!!

Logan: How did you find out about that?

Pat💙: Roman and Remus saw you there!!!

Logan: Ah.

Pat💙: That’s really cool, Logan!!! I wish i could do stuff like that!!! I don’t think we can afford it right now though!!! :(

Logan: You think it’s cool?

Pat💙: Of course!!!

Logan: Well, I’m sorry to have hid it from you then. Past friends have not been so... open minded about it.

Pat💙: Aww Lo :( if they don’t accept you for who you are and what you do then they’re not really your friends!!! Unless it’s drugs but that’s different.

Logan: I think that’s the first time you’ve used a singular punctuation.

Pat💙: It is!!!

Logan: Since you already know about my classes, I figure I should inform you that next week my friend from my class will be moving to our school.

Pat💙: Yay!!! New friend!!!

Pat💙: And for me... new son??? 👀

Logan: As I was saying, I think under normal circumstances he could handle himself, but he is prone to cognitive distortions and takes failure rather... heavily. I worry about his reaction to Mrs. Sandra.

Pat💙: Yeah, she’s a meanie!!! ):{

Logan: That’s one way to put it.

Pat💙: We can take care of him!!! We can cheer him up if she’s mean!!!

Logan: Thank you for understanding.

Pat💙: Of course!!! Does he have a phone??? You can add him to the group chat!!!

Logan: I’ll ask him.

Chapter Text

Time: 7:33 pm
Private chat

😈: first day of school. Tomorrow. I can do this, right Logan?

Logan: Of course you can.

Logan: But there has been a... change of plans and I figured that it would be better to tell you in advance.

😈: ...yes?

Logan: I have a fever. I don’t feel too bad but my parents won’t allow me to go to school tomorrow.

😈: FUCK

Logan: I’m sorry, Virgil. I’m truly sorry.

😈: It’s fine. Its fine. I can handle this. Going through my first day of school in over a year alone. Definitely.

Logan: You will not be alone. I’m sure my other friends will be happy to help you, and you can text me throughout the day.

😈: That’s... better but not by much

Logan: I’m sure that you will do fine. The only thing I am afraid you will have an issue with is a certain teacher, Mrs. Sandra, who Roman eloquently described as “That fucking ableist bitch”

😈: Ok, thanks L, I really needed that EXTRA anxiety right now.

Logan: I just wanted to inform you because i need you to know that
a) not all teachers in the school are like her
b) anything she says is not indicative of your actual talent

😈: Great. Great. Thanks.

Logan: Would you like me to add you to the group chat with my friends?

😈: Sure, why not.

Logan: Actually, I think it would be wiser to wait for a few minutes.

😈: And what brought you to that fucking conclusion, Logan?

Logan: You’re using punctuation, which you only do when you’re panicking. Do you remember your breathing exercises?

Logan: Virgil? Are you alright?

😈: im back

😈: better now

Logan: Good.

Logan: Would you like me to add you now?

😈: Sure

Logan: Alright. Patton may be a bit much, but he just has too much positivity to contain.

😈: ok

Chat: HELP
Time: 7:57 pm

Logan: Good morning. I will not be attending school tomorrow, so I would appreciate it if you could get to know Virgil beforehand.

Logan added 😈 to HELP

😈: Hey

Pat💙: HI!!!

RoRo: Greetings

Pat💙: Im Patton!!! Im really excited to meet you!!!

😈: Im Virgil

Pat💙: 0: that’s such a cool name!!!

😈: You think so?

RoRo: The name of a poet, so im guessing youre a nerd like logan huh?

Pat💙: Roman!!!

Logan: Besides, he’s nothing like me. He’s more like you, honestly.

RoRo: How dare you!

Pat💙: Roman!!! Don’t be mean!!!

RoRo: ...fine sorry Patton

Pat💙: Are you excited for school Virgil???

😈: a little i guess

😈: mostly just nervous

😈: I‘ve just been in private school for a year so the change is a little much

Pat💙: We’ll try our best to make you feel at home!!!

RoRo: Why did you stop going to school?

Pat💙: Roman thats not polite why are you being so rude today???

😈: no its good

😈: I have sensory issues so school can be overwhelming

Pat💙: Is there anything we can do to help???

😈: i don’t think so

😈: wait do you know ASL

Pat💙: Yeah!!!

😈: well sometimes i go nonverbal when I’m overwhelmed, so you could translate for me if it happens

😈: otherwise idk

Pat💙: Well I’ll help however I can!!!

Pat💙: Im going to bed now!!! Gn friends!!!

RoRo: I should probably get some beauty sleep as well!

😈: yeah, you need it

RoRo: How dare you!

RoRo: Gn

Logan: Goodnight.

Time: 9:47 pm
Private chat

Logan: So how was it?

😈: ...I like Patton

Logan: And Roman?

😈: i don’t think he likes me

😈: hes mean

Logan: He seemed to be a little more aggressive today. I’m sure he’ll warm up to you.

😈: I hope so

Chapter Text

Pat💙 has added 😈 to HELL.net

Pat💙: Hi!!! We thought we’d add you to the chat without Logan!!!

😈: why do you have a separate chat without logan

HipHipHipReplacement: Patton has a heart boner for him

RoRo: ...a crush. Its called a crush. Patton has a crush on him.

HipHipHipReplacement: Heart. Boner.

Pat💙: He just!!! He’s pretty!!! And smart!!! And nice!!!

Pat💙: I mean you already know that though right Virgil???

JannyDeevito: ...virgil?

😈: I greatly dislike what you have named yourself currently janus

JannyDeevito: Pat why did you add my brother to the chat without telling me

Pat💙: I didn’t know he was your brother!!!

😈: yeah im just here cause i know logan

😈: can i go now?

Pat💙: No!!! I wanna talk to you more!!! Please!!!

RoRo: Let him go, Pat! He doesn’t belong here anyway! This chat is for romance!

JannyDeevito: You do realize it’s called Hell.net

😈: fine. ill stay, just to spite princey.

Pat💙: Yay!!!

😈: but im going to bed now

JannyDeevito: Wow, going to bed at a decent hour for the first time in years.

😈: shut your fuck Dee im going to bad school tomorrow

RoRo: I will retire as well! As I said earlier, I mist get my beauty sleep!

😈: and as i said before, you need it

RoRo: Fuck off, Marilyn Morose!

😈: you too sir sing a lot. gn to everyone except princey

RoRo: How dare you!

Chat- HELL.net
Time- 10:45 am

JannyDeevito: Guess what time it is

JannyDeevito:💖~arson~💖

Pat💙: No!!! No arson!!!

JannyDeevito: Yes arson

JannyDevito: Arson and tax fraud should not only be accepted but encouraged

Pat💙: No!!!

JannyDeevito: No you don’t understand

JannyDeevito: What’s her face the bitchass art teacher slapped Virgil’s hands down when he started flapping

Pat💙: ...

Pat💙: I’m about to cut a bitch

RoRo: ASDGKLGF PATTON

Pat💙: No one hurts my child

RoRo: Don’t worry I took care of it!

RoRo: Anyway I’m currently in the office and being suspended

Pat💙: What happened???

RoRo: So you know how shes so proud of her garden gnome collection on her desk?

RoRo: Well.

RoRo: Did you know that garden gnomes are hollow and easy to shatter?

HipHipHipReplacement: Yes! You’re finally following in my footsteps! Im so proud!

RoRo: Ew no

RoRo: I just did what was necessary!

😈: hi

Pat💙: Virgil!!! Are you okay???

😈: thanks guys

😈: and yeah

😈: logan was right, shes insane

JannyDeevito: Do you need me to call Mom?

😈: no

😈: i can do this i just...

😈: i don’t know if i can handle her class

JannyDeevito: We should probably let Logan know what happened. Ill ask mom if we can get you out of her class.

😈: ok

Pat💙: If we add Logan to this chat he cant read past messages right???

😈: dont think so

Pat💙: Then I’ll add him!!!

Pat💙 has added Logan to HELL.net

Logan: What’s this?

😈: hi. so i met ms sandra

Logan: And?

😈: shes a fucking bitch

Pat💙: She slapped his hands down when he was stimming!!! That’s NOT okay!!! No one hurts me child!!! Roman took care of it, but he god suspended!!!

Logan: Are you alright, Virgil? I knew there would probably be an incident but I didn’t predict that it would be so... extreme.

😈: im fine

RoRo: I smashed all her stupid garden gnomes! I’m probly going to have a scar but itll be such a good story!

Pat💙: Scars are good for starting conversations!!! They always have stories behind them

😈: im covered in scars but theres barely a story behind any of them but one, im just really clumsy

Pat💙: Ooh tell tell tell!!!

😈: So were at dance and theres this big heater in the dressing room. I dropped a bunch of homework on it and its old so the metal gets irrationally hot so the paper pretty much immediately caught on fire in like ten seconds. I grabbed it and threw it on the ground so i could put it out and now i have a scar on my hand

Pat💙: Thats so brave!!! Its an awesome story!!!

😈: “oh shit if the fire alarms go off its gonna hurt my ears a lot” isnt bravery, pat

RoRo: How the hell did your homework stay on the heater for ten seconds without you noticing?!

😈: listen when you’re busy kissing someone you don’t have great attention to detail, princey, not that you’d know

JannyDeevito: When you’re busy WHAT

😈: oh shit i forgot you were here

JannyDeevito: WHO THE HELL WERE YOU KISSING

😈: don’t worry no one you’d disapprove of

JannyDeevito: Doubt

😈: it wasn’t!

JannyDeevito: Who was it then?

😈: were still friends and even if we weren’t im not outing my ex to someone he knows without permission

Logan: Virgil, its fine.

Logan: It was me, Janus.

JannyDeevito: Nvm Logans fine hes a good influence

RoRo: Wow never would have thought Logan would like someone like you Emo Nightmare

😈: what the hell is that supposed to mean

RoRo: Sorry I phrased that badly

RoRo: You just don’t seem like his type! He seems like he would like someone more... similar to him

RoRo: Aka boring

Pat💙: Roman!!! Don’t be mean!!!

😈: whatever, gtg i have class. sorry for leaving you alone at lunch pat, i needed some time alone

Pat💙: Its fine kiddo!!!