Chapter Text
Fourteen year old Harry Potter banged his head against his desk. "I swear to God that my mum likes you better than she likes me," he said over the phone to his best friend.
"Well, hello to you too…. She does have three boys. I'm sure she must enjoy a break from the testosterone." Hermione's usual warm voice seemed a little flat. Harry wondered if it was a bad connection if she was annoyed with his lack of proper greeting.
"And that's not counting my dad. Or Sirius."
"So what brought on your realization of your proper place in the world?"
"Mum just made sure to mention that she's looking forward to you coming to visit."
"Are you sure she's not looking forward more to my parents?" Hermione's voice betrayed a sense of nausea. Neither Harry nor Hermione could prove it, and had no intention of trying to prove it, but they were fairly certain that their parents engaged in sexual adventures together that they had a burning desire to avoid knowing the details of. It was to the point that they were fairly certain that Hermione's little sister was actually Harry's dad's and Harry's youngest brother was Hermione's dad's. They tried very hard not to think about it other than praying that the Westermarck effect kicked in and Bianca and Lucentio (Luke) never thought of each other romantically. Technically it wouldn't be incest if they were right, but still ewwww.
"I am merely repeating what I've been told. Oh, and before I forget, for some reason they dumped your book orders in mine when I did my pick up."
"That's because Linda thinks that either we're dating and it gives us an excuse for us to visit each other or we're not dating and we just need a small push before we decide we're perfect for each other." Harry could hear Hermione roll her eyes.
"At least that's more subtle than my dad's demands that I make you his daughter."
"I'm glad my parents understand that I want to concentrate on my studies rather than romance." She and Harry were in Ravenclaw for a reason after all.
"Yeah, but your dad sounds disappointed about that. Isn't he supposed to be threatening to perform illegal dental experiments on me?"
"Honestly, Harry, you have to learn to accept that our parents are all insane."
"Ever wonder if they're actually using reverse psychology and trying to keep us apart?"
"No. My dad would never be able to keep that up."
"Anyway, do you want me to come over tomorrow to drop off your books? Or can you wait till the day after."
"Tomorrow is good."
"Give me a ring when you get back. So how was France?"
"Oh, it was marvelous. We stopped by a new library in Nice and…."
Harry let the familiar cadence of Hermione's babbling wash over him.
Harry retreated to a familiar corner of the Ravenclaw common room and buried his head in his hands. "Argh! If I have to deal with one more fangirl I'm going to go on a rampage! I don't even know which is worse: my own or the ones who want to get close to me because of my mum." He never did deal well with getting back to school after break.
Hermione resisted the urge to laugh. "Your mum is quite a popular role model."
"She's my mum! I don't want to hear people keep telling me how beautiful she is!"
"Isn't she?"
"Well, yes, but I don't want anyone except my dad and maybe my brothers saying it." Harry pinned Hermione with a mock glare. "And that includes you."
This time Hermione couldn't resist the giggle. "At least it's better than that first year who was asking if your mum really did rip out Dolohov's still beating heart and showed it to him."
Harry sighed and muttered something about the exploding heart suicide curse and how just because she ripped out his heart to stop the explosion, doesn't mean that it was beating at the time. It was a familiar complaint.
Hermione patted him condescendingly on the shoulder. "At least you didn't inherit your mother's tendency to get into trouble."
"It doesn't stop the teachers from acting funny around me. I swear they think I'm just saving up the chaos for a special occasion. The headmistress even called me to her office because I was a model student."
"After your dad can you blame her?"
"No. At least she's loosened up after Leo started school."
"Loosened up about you. I swear she visibly ages whenever Leo is in sight."
"You'd think she'd know better after dealing with my dad and my uncles. It's when Leo isn't in sight that you have to worry." It was actually everyone else that had to worry. Leo didn't prank his brother. Leo had apparently done something to Luke when he was a newborn that Harry had taken exception to. No one said exactly what Harry's retribution was except that it involved a straw, honey and ants, and none of the obvious guesses turned out to be right. Whatever the case, Leo knew better than to mess with Harry now, which just went to show that he didn't know his brother as well as he should. Harry would laugh off Leo's pranks on him. It was when Leo started messing with the baby that the claws came out.
"Feeling better?"
"No!"
"Maybe you would have fewer fangirls if you gave up Quidditch. Or maybe stopped catching the snitch as frequently."
Harry shot Hermione a look of horror that prompted another giggle. "Don't even joke about that."
"Well we'll need to think of some other way to make you less attractive then. Have you considered shaving your head?"
"Worth a try."
Harry stopped abruptly as he entered the Great Hall for dinner, causing Hermione to walk into him.
"Is something wrong?" she asked.
Harry just pointed mutely into the Great Hall, where it seemed that every male Gryffindor year three and above also was missing their hair.
"Leo or the Weasley twins?" asked Hermione with some exasperation.
"Oh shit!" came Leo's voice. "I'm sorry, Harry! I didn't think I'd get you too." Leo was on the ground bowing in contrition. "I'll do anything to make it up to you. Just don't bring back the ants!"
"Are you ever going to tell me why he's so terrified of ants?" asked Hermione.
Harry just pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. "Leo, just why in Merlin's name did you decide that this was a good idea?"
Leo jumped and pointed at the Weasley twins. "They challenged me to a prank war!" Then more thoughtfully, "But why were you using the shampoo from a Gryffindor guy?" Leo paled and his eyes widened comically. "Nooo!" he screamed as he fled the hall.
"Did Leo just jump to the conclusion that you're gay?" asked Hermione into the silence that followed.
"That was so worth shaving my head for," said Harry.
Headmistress McGonagall sighed dramatically at the head table. "Remus. I'll leave this one to you."
"Pup… did you prank your brother by pretending to be pranked by him?" asked Remus.
"No. My current state of shaven-headedness is a complete coincidence. I'll even submit to Veritaserum to prove it."
"Why do I get the feeling that just means you found a way to get around Veritaserum?" wondered Remus aloud.
"I'll also submit a pensieve recording of the conversation where I decided to shave my head."
Remus sighed. "We've obviously done much too good a job at training you not to get caught. I suppose it only makes sense given who your mother is. Let me go track down my godson before he gets the House Elves to find him a batch of sour cream to swim in."
"Sour cream, Remus?" asked Professor McGonagall.
"Last time the ant thing came up…." Remus shuddered. "If Leo's having flashbacks then I think he's already been punished for the hair thing."
Remus ran off and Harry and Hermione sat down to eat. Harry barely had time to get some pumpkin juice before he was interrupted by a bald headed Fred and George.
"Harrikins, are you trying to get in on our prank war?"
"Because that was evil."
"Devious."
"Vicious."
Hermione broke into the twin's routine. "Just what is with the ant thing?"
One of the twins gasped "You mean you didn't tell her?"
"It really isn't that horrible," Harry protested. "I kind of feel embarrassed at how non-horrible it was considering all the horrible, horrible ideas Hermione has had."
The other twin looked at Hermione appraisingly. "Do tell what kind of vicious ideas your lady love has had."
"We aren't dating," Harry and Hermione chorused.
"Right…." replied both the twins in the least sincere way possible.
"This is going to seem anti-climatic after your ideas about staking Leo out over an anthill and writing words on his skin in honey. But all I did was put some ants into a straw with some honey and told Leo to imagine it was his urethra. I didn't even touch him."
"That doesn't seem to be so bad…." said Hermione.
"I think I'm going to be sick," said Roger Davies a few seats down as he fled the table.
Anthony Goldstein pushed his food away and squirmed in place. "I lost my appetite."
Hermione stared at the two boys in obvious disbelief. "Men and your penis sensitivity. But where did the sour cream come from?"
Harry shrugged. "Beats me. Leo's head is a strange place. So, no, I'm not joining in your prank war. It's all a horrible coincidence that I'm guessing that was driven by karma for some bad decisions Leo has made in the past."
"And aren't you two a little too old to be in a prank war with a second year?" demanded Hermione.
"Leo was bragging that he was the chosen successor for the Marauders," replied one of the twins.
"Ever wonder if Harry was just waiting until Leo was in school to start pranking so that he'd have a scapegoat?" mused the other.
"Subtle."
"Sneaky."
"Dastardly."
"Does that mean I need to grow a mustache?" asked Harry.
Hermione snorted. Snorted! "You'd look ridiculous trying to grow a mustache, Harry."
Harry looked at the twins. "Should I be more offended at the try part or the ridiculous part?"
"I wouldn't get offended at the truth, mate."
"It wouldn't go with the hair anyway."
Harry scoffed. "Like you're ones to talk."
This time it's one of his own fangirls that makes him tear out his hair. He hated the whole Boy-Who-Lived mythos, because he didn't do anything. It was his grandmother who deserves all the credit.
"I think if that horrid hair stubble isn't driving off these stupid trollops I don't think anything will," Hermione says.
"It itches too." Harry sighed. "And one of the girls said that I remind her of Viktor Krum now. I don't scowl that much do I?"
"I think she meant it in a complementary manner." Hermione frowned. "I suppose you could have a meaningless fling."
Harry made a face. "Not with any of these… what's a word for-"
"Bints?"
"That won't get me hexed by you?"
"I think I'll let it slide for those idiots."
"Merlin. I don't even know what I might catch from just breathing the same air as some of them. Right now there are a grand total of two girls in the entire school I'd even consider dating."
"Padma?"
"Is she even into guys?"
"What makes you think she isn't?"
"The way she was making out with her sister."
How to explain to Harry that they were trying to entice him into a twin threesome…. Actually, scratch that. Hermione preferred Harry to be slightly naive. "Daphne?"
"Greengrass? I know it's nothing personal, but I get the feeling she'd rather dissect me for science than date me."
"Cho?"
"Not after she threw that hissy fit when I beat her out as seeker."
"Susan?"
"Pretty sure she's dating Hannah."
No, that was trying to tempt Harry into a busty Hufflepuff threesome.
"Actually, now that I think about it, there seems to be an awful lot of lesbians in Hogwarts. Besides, she's my mum's boss's niece who's like a daughter. That's asking for all kinds of awkwardness, even without considering the fact that Aunt Amelia's favorite phrase is 'there's a difference between regular brutality and police brutality'."
"Oh. What about Angelina?"
"She's dating Fred. Obviously she's completely insane."
"Ok, I give up. Who are your two?"
"Luna-"
"And you vetoed Angelina because she's insane?"
"Luna may be a little unconventional but she's not 'boil my pet rabbit if we break up' insane."
"I highly doubt Angelina is going to go all Fatal Attraction on you, but I do wonder if you've got pedophilic tendencies."
"Luna's only seven months younger than me. I'm pretty sure less than a year difference is kosher."
"Yes, but she looks like she's younger than that."
"She's a nice girl, smart, not a lesbian, and I'm fairly certain that she won't try to dose me with a love potion."
"It's sad that those are your standards. Wait. I'm smart, not a lesbian and wouldn't dose you with a love potion."
"And sixth year I might ask you out."
"Right. Now is too early and next year is OWLs." Thank goodness for the good influence of Harry's mother. Given his father and godfather it was easy to imagine Harry growing up with no academic ambitions. Professor Lupin was a toss up. Obviously he supported education, but didn't stand up very well against his two friends.
Harry groaned. "Why should trying to have a lack of a love life be this complicated?"
"We could pretend to date."
"I thought about that," Harry admitted.
"Why not?"
"Because we'd need to do things like kiss to sell it, and I wouldn't want to take your first kiss away from you for an act."
Hermione blushed and turned away.
"Hermione?"
Still looking away Hermione said, "Umm. We've already had our first kiss."
"Ok, I know I'm male and therefore clueless about romance stuff, but even so I'd think I'd remember having my first kiss."
"Not if you were unconscious from a Quidditch injury."
"Really?" Harry sounded somewhat upset.
"You know how in the fairy tales a kiss will wake up the princess? Well, I was only twelve."
"I guess I can forgive it then." Harry looked around before asking, "So how was it?"
"Disappointing. Your breath stank."
"I'd feel more guilty if you hadn't taken advantage of me. Is that why you bought me all those breath mints first year?"
Hermione nodded sheepishly.
Harry began snickering and then started laughing out loud.
"What?" Hermione asked suspiciously.
"I was about to say we could have a fake relationship where we take things slow. I was just imagining Sirius's reaction if Mooney reported that we had been dating for six months and had just gotten to the stage where we were rubbing noses."
"That's Professor Lupin in school," said Hermione, but with a smile.
"So how about a fake relationship of shyly holding hands and meeting each other's eyes and giggling?"
"You want to date like six year olds?"
"With less sand and dirt."
"Well, it would get the girls trying to get me to be more feminine off my back."
"So you are going to try to varn me off of your girlfriend," Viktor said flatly.
"I'm not going to threaten you or anything. I'd just like to point out that my mother is very fond of Hermione. My mother whose nickname is Bleeding Lily and almost every year she's been in active service as an Auror prompted new police brutality legislation as she figured out new loopholes in the existing ones. The only two years this wasn't the case were 1987 where the legislation got held up in committee when they tried to make it completely free of loopholes and two years ago when she was on extended maternity leave after my youngest brother was born. And because my mum is so fond of Hermione she's taught her basically every way to crush a man's testicles that she knows of, and that number is a lot larger than I'm comfortable knowing."
Viktor felt distinctly green. "So you are saying…."
"I'm not warning you for her sake or my sake. I'm just saying that if you want to have children in the future you might want to stop bothering her in the library when she's trying to study. She knows at least three different ways to render a man sterile with a heavy book."
Viktor could think of two off the top of his head and decided that he didn't want to know what the third one was.
"The disturbing part was the transfigured bodies that my mum created so that they could work on their technique. To be honest I think she was more interested in punishing my dad for something than training Hermione, but that doesn't change the fact that they know from experience exactly how much force it takes to explode a testicle with a nutcracker."
Viktor swallowed nervously.
"Then there's what her own parents taught her. They make their living strapping people down and boring holes in their teeth. Well, not just the teeth, sometimes they cut away at the gums and-"
Viktor felt no shame in breaking and running at that point.
"Harry," Hermione said evenly. "Do you happen to know anything about why the students from Durmstrang also seem to be dreadfully afraid of me?"
"I do believe they're of the impression that you're a dark lady in the making."
"Would you happen to bear any responsibility for this impression?"
"Viktor Krum had the nerve to suggest that I would threaten him when you're perfectly capable of defending your virtue on your own."
"So you didn't pull a jealous boyfriend act?"
"Nope. Nor did I do the overprotective best friend act. Though I may have implied that my mum and your parents were perfectly happy to be overprotective on your behalf."
"My muggle parents."
"Your muggle torture professional parents."
"My parents are not torture professionals."
"I think you'll find that a majority of British schoolchildren would disagree. Besides which I never actually said they were torture professionals. I just described some dental procedures in basic terms. Not my fault he couldn't understand the medical benefits."
Hermione silently counted to ten and then to twenty. "The sad thing is you probably honestly think you're doing me a favor. You would have done the same thing if we weren't in our current relationship, wouldn't you?"
"I think it's fair that anyone interested in you should know exactly what kind of crazies the adults in your life are like."
"You realize that you included your mother in that list, right?"
"My mother doesn't consider crazy to be a pejorative."
Hermione sighed in defeat. "True, though I still have a hard time imagining her in crazy bitch mode." She said the last three words with some degree of distaste. However those were Aunt Lily's exact words. When you're a woman in law enforcement you have to be better, meaner and tougher than the men if you want to do well.
"Hermione, mum taught you how to make a man's testicles explode."
A male Hufflepuff firstie passing by made a panicked meeping sound.
"Not literally. Just rupture," she tried to reassure him. She obviously failed because the firstie ran away in terror.
Harry sighed as well. "There's a reason why I think you need to come with a warning label. At least he didn't cry."
"As if you're one to talk, Mr. Ants in the Urethra."
Harry crossed his arms defiantly. "There are certain boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. I regret nothing."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "You know that you'll be declared a dark lord too."
Harry smiled. "Do you think it would keep the fangirls away?"
"No."
Harry's face crashed. "Damn."