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Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, there’s a Mackerel Prince so shitty and loathsome that nobody wants to meet him without bribes in the form of fancy balls filled with top-quality wine, the best dinner buffet selection, and the most famous orchestra.
At least, that’s how Chuuya sees it. The balls have been happening on a yearly basis, because each year the shitty Mackerel Prince apparently doesn’t find anyone he’d like to accept as a wife. Or a husband, or so he’s heard. It’s not exactly because their kingdom is very open and accepting of homosexuality; it’s more out of desperation. The King and Queen are apparently itching to step down and pass the throne to their heir, and they can’t do that unless the Mackerel Prince gets married. So, they’re at the point of being okay with whoever. They’re that desperate.
…Not that Chuuya cares about such things. The affairs of royalty are meaningless to someone like him.
He’s content to live in the countryside, spending his days with things that make him happy. Admiring his collection of hats in the morning. Trying out different recipes in the kitchen. Getting hired to beat up the occasional bandits. Using his bare hands to catch some wild boar for lunch and/or dinner. Spending time with Shirase and Yuan and listening to their schemes of sneaking into the castle so they can steal some booze. Saving money so he can install a wine cellar underneath his house and fill it with the best of wines. Beating up any monsters or whatever that tries to destroy the plants he’s growing in his garden. Admiring his collection of hats just-before he sleeps.
…Totally normal stuff.
So, yeah. He doesn’t care about the affairs of the royalty. Even if he’s heard of the numerous affairs that the Mackerel Prince has had with various women. The shitty prince apparently eschews marriage and commitment, but happily proposes double suicides and one-night stands…?
Chuuya’s not exactly sure, because it’s not like he has any interest in these matters! It just so happens that everyone he’s in contact with talks about that piece of shit so much?
It’s not like he’s specifically eavesdropping or making himself available whenever someone’s gossiping about the bastard. It just so happens that everyone living in this particular countryside has a very loud voice! It’s a very useful trait whenever they’re busy foraging and/or hunting, making it easy to communicate over long distances. It’s just not very good for Chuuya’s peace of mind, because if he has to hear about someone sighing about sending their used underwear to the castle, he’s going to lose his shit.
And to think, he doesn’t even know how the prince looks like!
Now, how could a kingdom’s citizen not even know how their prince looks like, you might ask?
It’s totally not because each time there’s a parade or whatever… it’s not like he’s too short to see what’s in front… it’s not like he can’t see anything beyond the other’s chest… he’s not that short, damn it! His eyes just selectively not want to see an ugly sight! And with all of the gossip he’s heard about the other, the prince can only someone incredibly ugly! It’s definitely not because he’s short!!!
…A-Anyway.
The point is, Chuuya hears about the upcoming ball from Shirase and Yuan. And pretty much the entire neighborhood.
They’re all busy trying their best to get an invitation, as well as dress up for the event.
Lots of businessmen are thriving: ones that offer transforming a huge tentacle being into a hundred-person carriage; ones that promise being able to transform their rats into horsemen; ones that can make a thousand gown designs in an hour, as long as she isn’t disturbed.
Chuuya… because he has no interest whatsoever in a shitty prince, volunteers to do their chores during the lead-up to the ball. He cleans their houses, scrubs their chimneys, defeats ten times more monsters, admires his hat collection, feeds their livestock… Totally normal, really.
On the night of the ball, everyone in the countryside is going.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come, Chuuya?” Shirase asks. “There’s going to be lots of wine there, according to Akira and Shougo. There’s apparently a new supplier, one that has magic related to grapes.”
Chuuya twitches. Why is this the first time he’s hearing about it? But since he doesn’t want them to worry, he simply nods and watches them leave. The moment that their backs cross the horizon—aboard the hundred-carriage tentacle monster—he then quickly goes back to his house and searches for a passable outfit. He doesn’t have any interest in the ball itself, but that new type of wine sounds amazing!!! Of course he wants to try it!
He doesn’t have any plans of dressing up to look like a prospective wife or husband or whatever. He just picks a fairly casual button-up and slacks, adds his favorite hat, keeps it sleek and monochromatic. He’s known for his brightly-colored outfits, after all. And he doesn’t want to bring attention to himself. He just wants to sneak in, drink some wine, roll out of the castle with none the wiser.
It’s a very simple, straightforward plan.
Because of his daily activities, he’s able to befriend a lot of the cats and dogs and wolves and horses and… pretty much all of the animals in the area. They offer to pull his carriage. He declines their kind thoughts, because he’s also wearing his usual accessories: a 20-kg choker, 20-kg pair of gloves, and 20-kg pair of shoes.
He’s used to their weight—because of his daily activities—and therefore, he doesn’t even break a sweat when he jogs all the way to the castle.
Slipping inside and into the kitchens also doesn’t take a lot of work, because he’s used to climbing up walls. Not that stealth is particularly relevant, with the way everyone’s on the banquet hall, dancing and drinking the night away. He thinks he hears Shirase’s laughter (they have very loud voices, after all) and resolves to not get spotted. After all, he’s gone and said that he isn’t interested on going to this ball, it’d be embarrassing to be caught sneaking into it.
And then, they’d get the wrong idea. They’d (falsely) accuse him again of having a secret crush on the prince, whose face he doesn’t even know.
Just because he’s asked maybe twenty (or two hundred) questions about the other man (just so he’d know how shitty he is!) doesn’t mean that he’s interested!
Just because he always wants to be at the front row during a parade (…certainly not because being at the back means he sees absolutely nothing…) doesn’t mean that he likes the mackerel prince!
Just because he’s given him the nickname ‘mackerel prince’ (purely because of how rotten, slimy and stinky he sounds!) doesn’t mean that he has some special fondness towards the other!
He’s probably ugly as trash, after all! Definitely not good looking or interesting! Definitely without a nice voice!
A particularly nice voice asks a particularly nasty question. “Oh, why are you scuttling about like some slug?”
“Haa?! What the hell are you talking about?!” Chuuya bristles like an angered cat, jumping slightly as he tries to navigate the kitchens. The ceiling lights are switched off, leaving the lighting obligations to only the moonlight and the sparse oil lamps stuck on the walls. It isn’t enough to tell him where the amazing wine is being stocked, but it’s enough to tell him that there’s another person sneaking around.
A tall one, long limbs obvious even if he’s perched on one marble counter like some giant frog. A particularly slimy one too, given that the other is smirking like he’s the king of the world. Brown hair and brown eyes, even if said eyes look a bit reddish in the relative darkness. He’s wearing a black overcoat like a cape over his shoulders, and Chuuya frowns at their similar styles. He should look plain and forgettable—but he’s also wearing an unholy amount of bandages.
A part of Chuuya goes, oh, he looks like an asshole, it wouldn’t be a surprise if people want to beat him up for it. And then, a bigger part of him doesn’t sense any injuries on the other, so the bandages are just for… decoration? Urgh, he fights monsters on a daily basis, but this is just foul.
“Oh.” Obvious surprise. “Wow, I didn’t think you could talk. I was honestly expecting some angry barking with how much you look like a tiny dog…”
His entire body twitches. “You look like the ugliest, slimiest frog!” And then, “Just which part of me looks like a dog?!”
“You really want to know?”
A massive eyeroll. Their kingdom must really be filled with such nonsensical creatures, it’s quite annoying. “Would I ask if I don’t want an answer?”
“Mm, I don’t know, isn’t it common for people to not be honest? To ask questions when they don’t really mean it?”
Chuuya blinks at him and admits, “I am three hundred percent honest when I say you’re the ugliest and most annoying piece of shit I’ve ever met.”
“And you’re the smallest chibi I’ve ever seen… oh no…”
The sudden surprised gasping is too genuine. Chuuya immediately forgets his grievances and walks closer to where the other is perched. “Huh? The fuck happened?”
“…Oh, it’s just that you’re so small I suddenly lost sight of you, I thought I accidentally inhaled you?”
Because they’re now near each other, Chuuya uses the opportunity to whack the other’s knee. “I’m not that small, damn it! How dare you think I’m dust-sized?!”
The man’s eyes are fixed a few centimeters above his hat’s brim. “Mm, what should I do, I can hear some pinched screaming but I don’t see anyone…”
Chuuya thwacks the man’s forearms instead. “Are your eyes just for decoration then?!”
“…Oh?” A flutter of eyelashes. It makes him wonder if the other’s fighting off some dirt in his eyes, with how much he’s blinking. “You think my eyes are jaw-dropping, heart-stopping gorgeous enough to be considered as décor?”
“So not only are your eyes useless, even your ears are.”
“My nose tells me that there’s a wet dog nearby.”
And without preamble, the man leans forward and brushes the tip of his nose right at Chuuya’s ear. A squeak may or may not have crawled out of his throat at this sudden action. A warm puff of breath against his skin, making sweat build underneath his choker. He’s probably just imagining it (and that’s dangerous enough already) but there’s a hint of a pair of lips brushing against the side of his neck.
“How amazing.” And it’s only then that the man returns to his previous position, smirk wider. “You’re the first slug-microorganism-dog-chibi hybrid in this kingdom! How does it feel to be so small?”
“Small this and that, I’ll pummel you into dust!” He deals out a punch, his fist wheezing past air as the other simply dodges. A bit lazily too, because now Chuuya’s pretty much invading the other’s personal space, their chests too near each other.
Instead of pushing him away or retaliating or doing anything that could be considered normal, the other man simply wraps an arm around his waist, and then chuckles, voice low. “Mm, how cute. This is the first time I’ve ever had someone do this type of seduction.”
Chuuya wriggles against the other’s hold, but the other man is surprisingly clingy. “T, This isn’t—! I’m not seducing you—!! I hate you and want to strangle you—!!!”
“Such a passionate love confession too! The most romantic I’ve ever received! I’m so touched I could cry.”
Oh no, it’s a crazy person. “Are you stupid, what kind of love confessions have you been receiving?!”
Just how are death threats ranking as the ‘most romantic’?! Just pitiful is this bastard’s love life?!
“And you’re even jealous? It’s alright, I remember them because my brain is big. Because I’m very tall and also very big.” He’s leering like a jackass, and Chuuya feels dirty just listening to him. His ears even turn red, probably proving that he’s allergic to bullshit. “But don’t worry, all those confessions mean nothing to me now.”
“No way—!” Chuuya remembers Higuchi’s whole-town-effort of confessing to her senpai. Even if it’s doomed to failure, they’re still important feelings. “Those people may probably be blind and unhinged to ever want to confess to someone annoying like you, but it would be so disrespectful to them if they just suddenly mean nothing! Don’t be such a jerk, you shitty bastard!”
A slight pulling back so they can stare at each other face-to-face. Brown eyes blink at him owlishly. And then, a chortle. “…Pfft, you’re such a silly chibikko, huh?”
He screeches in dissatisfaction. “I’m a chibi before and now I’m a chibikko?!”
“Because you became even cuter.”
“T, That doesn’t make sense!” He tries to punch the other man again, but since he’s still trapped in his embrace, he can only beat the other’s back. Which makes it look like he’s eagerly trying to hug back. But he really isn’t! “I’m not cute at all! I’m badass and strong!”
“You’re tiny and cute,” the man amends.
He punches his back, stronger.
“…And strong, urgh, just what kind of fists do you have, chibikko?”
“The most badass in the whole kingdom!”
“…Pfft, sure.”
“I mean it!”
Another laugh. The arms around his waist tighten, until breath and common sense are practically siphoned out of his body. “Then, my tiny and cute and badass chibi, will you stay here with me, till death do us part?”
Till death—!
What is this idiot saying now—!!
They’re just trying (unsuccessfully, since they’re busy doing this strange hugging thing, urgh) to get some food and drinks from the kitchen—!!!
Chuuya frowns. He’s gotten distracted but this person is probably here to mooch off during the party too. How pitiful. (Not that he’s pitiful, even though he’s also sneaking around. He’s just here for the wine!) Is this person trying to get them caught…? He absolutely thinks that this bastard is the sort to think that getting thrown into the cells together would be the definition of ‘fun’.
So the answer is a solid: “NO FUCKING WAY.”
“Eh, why?”
Why does he sound so disappointed?! “Isn’t it obvious?!”
“Mm, if I make an announcement right here and now, then you can’t escape me, chibikko.”
Now he’s going for threats?! Chuuya hisses and tries to bite the other man. Sadly, because their faces are too close, it means that he ends up biting the other’s chin. And then a little bit further up. Oh, for someone so annoying, this bastard has very nice lips…
…After maybe fifteen or so minutes of biting each other, Chuuya’s mouth is swollen. He’s also a bit dizzy, and his entire weight is plastered against the bastard in front of him, who’s now dangling his legs off the counter. No, more accurately, his legs are now wrapped around his hips, much like an oversized koala.
Anyway, he needs to clarify things. “I’m not staying here!” It’s a bit more breathless than he would’ve liked, but the other man is squeezing him very tightly, alongside trying to stab him with a wriggling tongue, so it’s difficult to get words out.
“Ehh, do you have a reason to not stay here with me forever?”
Um, yes? Who would want to stay forever inside the palace’s kitchen? That’s just asking to be caught by the guards! Also, even though there’s constant food and drink supplies here, how about sleeping and bathing? How about his garden? How about his hats?! Is this person some kind of gremlin who can only live in enclosed spaces or something?!
Before he can try to explain a normal day-to-day life for this strange man, he hears a lot of voices filling the corridors. They sound a bit distressed and panicked? Seemingly looking for the mackerel prince, um, Dazai Osamu?
Oh no, the ball is almost over then.
After all, the mackerel prince is notorious for suddenly disappearing from said balls, especially near the end. Because he’s always disappointed in the people lining up to marry him. So he instead tries to invite a string of hapless women to double suicides? Yeah, he also can’t understand the logic.
But in any case, this means that he doesn’t have a lot of time—!
And looking at the man pouting in front of him, he suddenly feels like not just any explanation will do! He needs to give a solid reason for rejecting his offer to stay here in the kitchens and then get locked up after—!!
And so, Nakahara Chuuya opens his mouth and says: “I can’t stay here forever, I still want to meet the mackerel—I mean, Crown Prince Dazai!”
The pout disappears, and is replaced by intrigue. “Oho? Why? That man is notoriously evil and creepy, right?”
“Yes!” Wait, he’s not supposed to admit that! “But, uh, I still want to meet him!”
“Hmm? Why?” His expression turns wicked. “Did you fall for him at first sight?”
He hasn’t even seen his face!!! But to admit that is going to invite a dozen more height jokes at his expense so he bites his lip and (falsely) admits, “Y, Yes, I did! I fell very hard!”
(In fact, he did fall the past few times he’s tried to catch a glimpse of the other’s face. Everyone gets a bit rabid when trying to sight the prince during the parades. Chuuya thinks that it’s part because there’s a lot of deluded citizens dreaming to be his ‘wife’ and there’s also a lot of angry people trying to assassinate him in broad daylight.)
“Even though you know nothing about him?”
…Busted.
But wait—! He knows a lot about that mackerel! “I know enough!”
A sudden kiss, and then when he pulls back, his eyes are shining with interest. “Oho? And what exactly do you like about him?”
…Oh, this guy is a gossip too, just like everyone else…
He hears the voices from outside approach. So he has to think fast!
“I admire him a lot.” Chuuya meets the brown-eyed gaze dead-on. “He’s broken the hearts of so many ladies and yet none of them are able to assassinate him yet, which means he’s strong, right?” And then, very earnestly, “Plus, he’s supposedly slept with more than a thousand women and yet he’s never had an STD. That kind of health is admirable.”
The man in front of him is obviously shocked by his response.
It makes him feel reckless, like he wants to deal a decisive blow. This kind of expression suits the other man well, after all.
So he concludes his speech with a very heartfelt (very fake) confession: “I really, really like Prince Dazai.”
The man stops breathing, which makes it easy for him to slip out of his hold. The voices are just a few steps away from the kitchen doors, after all! Chuuya considers his options—he can always run, but he would be so much faster if he removes some of the weights he’s wearing!
And so, he tries to jump off the same window he’s climbed in, after he removes his shoe. Just one, because he quite likes this design, so he wants to keep one as reference. He can save up money to have another one made based on this one! He’s so smart even under duress!
The brown-eyed man still looks like he’s in shock. Chuuya laughs and throws one 20-kg shoe towards him. “Go and run too, you stupid shit, or else they’re gonna catch you!”
Chuuya jumps off the window right at this moment, so he misses Prince Dazai pick up his shoe and murmur, “Mm, I’m going to catch you alright.”
-
The very next day, Chuuya wakes up late for the first time since he can remember. And it’s to nearly the entire town at his doorstep? Higuchi sobs and pats his shoulders with one hand. Her other hand is busy dabbing a handkerchief to her eyes.
“…The fuck is going on?”
“My greatest condolences, Chuuya-san,” is what they unanimously say. Right before handing him a flyer that came from the palace.
A flyer that goes:
Wanted: Microscopic Slug-Dog-Chibikko hybrid.
Crime: Stealing Prince Dazai’s heart.
Proof of Crime: A 20-kg shoe that smells like wet dog.
Punishment: Staying locked inside Prince Dazai’s castle and being in a lifetime marriage, no divorce allowed.
“Chuuya-san, everyone knows you’re the only one who can wear a weighted shoe…”
Chuuya doesn’t even bother listening to them, and just starts running the hell away.
His only thought? I can’t believe I just said such an embarrassing confession to some shithead mackerel prince!!!
-
Chuuya’s plan to run away lasts for fifty-five minutes. Because then there’s Dazai who sneaks into his house (and to his beloved hat collection). And promises him a lifetime supply of expensive wine and an exclusive access to a tailor that specializes in making fedoras.
…That’s the only reason he agreed, okay?
He’s definitely not in love with a mackerel prince!
He yells that all the way to his wedding day and to his fifteenth honeymoon trip and to his fiftieth wedding anniversary, but even with his loud voice that can be heard by everyone, nobody really believes him.
-
and they lived happily (???) ever after