Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1
Sam

“I love him, Sammy.” Dean’s voice breaks as he sits at the table.

I’d been trying to get him to talk to me. He didn’t seem like he was handling thongs well, after Jack told him Cas was in Heaven after escaping the Empty.
My brother thinks he can hide what he’s done to himself.
He’s been so angry with the way things have been and he doesn’t know how to cope, so he took it out on himself. I can see the scars up his arms.
It’s been months since Cas went away. There are bottles of alcohol, smashed and intact littered around his room.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he pushes me away.

“What did he say to you?” I ask, pouring him a bowl of cereal.

Dean stabs at the hard cereal as best as he can, with a spoon.
Eileen is still upstairs asleep, we’ve gotten up early and we’ve been planning what to do, now that we’ve come to a realisation that we don’t want to hunt anymore.
Eileen and I have been trying to get Dean to cheer up, but...it’s been hard.

“He said he loved me, Sammy. The Empty took him because he experienced a moment of happiness… and that happiness was confessing that he loved me. He cares for you, Jack and me and they took him.” He pauses, sobbing. “He said it was something he can’t have. He thinks I don’t love him.”

Dean puts his head in his hands and I can see more of the bloody scars. Some are fresh.

“What did you do, Dean?” I whisper, sadly.

I get a cloth and tend to his cuts.

“The voices in my head keep telling me I’m not worth it, Sammy. I didn’t know how to feel. I tried to say something...but nothing came out. He saved me. Sam and I just screwed it up, like every other time. Is that why Cas hasn’t showed his face? Because he can see what I’ve become?”

I shake my head.

“Dean, you can’t think like that. You are getting better. But you need to find better ways of venting your anger. I know Cas wouldn’t like to see you like this.” I say honestly. “And I know you love him. I know its hard for you to say how you feel, but you’re learning.”

I know we’ll find Cas, or Cas will come to us. He’s helping Jack rebuild Heaven, but a hello every now and then, would be nice.
Cas and Dean clearly have unfinished business.
And I don’t want to watch my brother die.

“Dean, you need to tell him how you feel.” I say softly.

“How can I when he’s not here?”

I think for a moment.

“When Eileen comes down, I want you to spend some time with her.” I say.

“Where are you going?” Dean asks.

“I’m gonna get a Christmas tree,” I lie. “Don’t touch any blades or broken glass. Please?”

He mumbles something and pull him close, telling him everything will be okay. He promises he won’t touch anything, and says he’ll clean up his room.

I have a plan. I want this to be a good Christmas, and if my present is Cas coming home, than it will have been worth it.
I pull out a box of Christmas ornaments and lights from a cupboard that belonged to Eileen,

“Put these around the house and the Bunker. I’ll be back soon.”

Dean nods and I watch him leave.
As soon as I’m out of earshot, I round the corner and get in my car, making it look like I’m going to get a Christmas tree in case anybody has followed me, but I look up to the sky, and begin praying.

Nothing.

Then Jack appears,

“Sam? What’s wrong?”

“You know damn well what’s wrong.” I cross my arms.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2
Cas

Its not like I have been avoiding him on purpose.
Its just that I do not know what to say.
I’ve been busy helping Jack that I do not know how to put more of my feelings into words, since we all know what happened the last time I did.
I don’t know how to tell Dean that I’m Human.
I can return to Earth once my job is done, and live my life as a human.
But I don’t know if he wants me to be a part of his life anymore,
I’ve hard his prayers. I don’t know how to answer them.

I love him. I love Dean Winchester and I love my family, we are a family… but what if I’ve ruined our chances?

I’ve been hiding out here. I cannot see what he’s up to anymore. I can only hear his cries at night and it scares me to think what state he will be in, if I return.
I can’t sleep at night. I can’t remember the last time I slept, and it’s torture.
I want to return home.
But I don’t know where else I belong.

A few fallen angels escaped The Empty when Jack pulled me out. We managed to track them down and stop them from hurting anybody. But they were too close to home for my liking and I’d never forgive myself.
Becoming mortal made me realise I’m not comfortable with most things anymore. How can I protect the ones I love when I’m mortal?
One wrong move and we’re all dead.

I notice I haven’t seen Jack today and I wonder where he is. I decide to take a walk through Heaven to clear my mind.
I’ve seen Bobby, I’ve seen Mary and John and everyone else we’ve come across over the years.

I heard Dean almost got taken out by some vampires, but I put a stop to that. I made sure he survived.
I stop at Bobby’s house, deciding to see how he is.

“Castiel.” He smirks, letting me in. “What can I do for you?”

“I need some advice.” I say bluntly.

“About Dean?” He asks without missing a beat.

He passes me a beer, but I do not drink it.

“I don’t know what to do.” It comes out barely a whisper.

Bobby slaps me on the back, laughing. His eyes are full of love.

“If you go to Earth, I’m sure Dean will be glad to see you.”

I tell Bobby what happened. What caused The Empty to open, and he shakes his head.

“It didn’t open because you confessed and it was one sided. It opened because they knew Dean felt the same way. Its cruel, but Dean does love you. He just finds it hard to tell you. He’s...He’s never had anybody that looks out for him like you do, Castiel.”

I look up to Bobby, laughing in disbelief.

“Go to him.” He tells me.

“I wish I could Bobby.”

“What is stopping you?”

There is nothing really. I just...
I don’t know what to say. How to apologise for the way things ended. What will make things better.
I’m a fool. That is what is wrong.

I’m trying to convince myself not to go, yet I want to go. I need to face the truth. I love Dean, and he may love me back.

All of a sudden I can hear Sam. He’s angry.
I look to Bobby who cannot hear him.

“Can you hear that?” I ask, making sure.

Bobby shakes his head.

“Jack… I’m here about Cas.” Sam says.

I stumble out the room, following the voice. I can hear Sam talking to Jack. About me.
What is Sam up to?
Why is he doing this?

Is Dean in trouble?

I listen in to the conversation and am horrified at what I hear.

Dean is hurt. Dean needs help.
I need to see him.

I am transported to where Jack and Sam are, in an open field just outside of town. Jack must have brought me here because I couldn’t do it myself.
I know I cannot return to Heaven unless he sends me. Unless I die.
There is no going back

“Cas.” Sam begs. “Please come home.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 3
Sam

I don’t know why I feel so conflicted. I’m dealing two lovesick idiots, Cas and my brother, and Jack is in the crossfire.
Jack has no idea what to do, he just wants to help his Father, and his family.

I tell Jack and Cas about what Dean has been doing.
How he’s been taking it out on himself and they should see the room that Dean says he’ll clean up.
Jack says he didn’t realise that Dean was like this.
I said he could have checked up on him.
Cas says Dean has been praying, but he couldn’t hear or see anything else.

“How bad is he?” Cas asks.

“There are fresh scars up and down his arms, Cas. I had to clean him up. Its why I summoned Jack. There is only so much I can do. When Jack told us that you were out of the Empty, but you never even came to say goodbye or say hi… that broke him. Why didn’t you come home?” I ask, voice breaking.

There is silence. Jack looks to Cas who is holding back tears.

“I didn’t think you’d want me back. I didn’t know if-”

“If what? If Dean didn’t love you back?”

Cas looks at me and I can see he’s hurting, just as much as Dean is. He looks away.

“Cas, look at me.” I ask him, all anger melting away.

Cas looks straight at me without hesitation.

“Tell him how you feel and he’ll tell you back. I know he will.”

I turn to Jack.

“I want to make a deal. Cas gets to come home and in return -”

“I’m Human, Sam.” Cas interrupts me” I can live my life here on Earth. If you want me to.”

Jack explains about what happened with The Empty. Cas already was losing his powers and convinced him he deserved to die, and Jack got him out.

“Then why hide in Heaven?” I ask.

Nothing makes sense, and I realise its because Cas is scared of hurting Dean further.

“Oh, Cas. You don’t need to hide any longer. Come home. Please?”

It is then that Jack makes a deal with me – Cas can lie life on Earth as a human, and in return when we all die, we all become angels. As a thanks for everything we’ve done.
If it means Dean and Cas are happy, then I am happy to accept this offer.

But, Jack needs a few more days to finish something, and then Cas will be all ours.
A few more days and Cas will be home again.
But Jack allows Cas to go to Dean, to see him. They have an hour together.

“Thank you, Jack.” Cas and I say simultaneously.

We both fall silent, not knowing what to say.

“There is so much to say and I don’t know where to start” Cas says, breaking the silence

“Things are going to get better Cas, I know they will.”

Cas gets in my car and I take him back,
Dean is helping Eileen by putting Christmas lights outside around the house. Hhis shirt sleeves keep slipping, revealing just what he’s done.

“Go to him, please Cas.” I look to him pleadingly.

Cas steps forward, watching Dean silently.
Eileen stops, seeing both me and Cas and looks to Dean.

“Dean.” Eileen calls out to him.

Dean follows her gaze, to Cas.

“Castiel?” He asks hopelessly, the lights dropping out of his hands

Chapter Text

Chapter 4
Sam (continued)

Eileen looks like she’s gonna cry. She reaches for my hand and I take her hand in mine.
We watch as Dean crosses across the lawn, trying to see if Cas is real.

I’ve never seen my brother so vulnerable. Well, I have… but nothing like this. I haven’t seen so much hope in his eyes before

“He’s real, Dean.” I tell him.

Dean pulls him closer, so their foreheads touch.
Cas grabs his arm, trying to look at the cuts.

“Dean, why!?” He whispers, tears falling down his face.

“You have no idea. The thoughts in my head.” Dean’s voice broke.

Dean struggles in Cas’ grip and Cas pulls him into a hug.

“I’ve been lost without you, Cas.”

Cas’ tears burn Dean’s flesh and heal his wounds slightly. Must be some form of Jack’s powers, I guess?

I step in to explain that Cas has to go back in forty minutes, but will be back permanently soon.
Cas explains what is going on.

“You could have called. You could have checked up on us or anything like that, but you didn’t Cas. Why?”

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me again, after what I said.” I sob.

“I love you, Cas. I always have and always will.”

Cas tells Dean that he’s human. That he can age and live alongside us, now that he’s human. If Dean wants him in his life.
Dean talks about his feelings, talks about how much Cas means to him and how he wanted to get him out the Empty.

“I can live alongside Humans, Dean. The question is, do you want me here?”

“Are you kidding me?” He asks softly “I would tear apart the Empty to make sure the bastards never take you back.”

Eileen leans against me, crying. I wipe her tears. Eileen decides to go inside to give them privacy.

“Cas, I love you. A-and I always will. I never said it back because I didn’t know how to say it back. All those things you said, I never thought I was worth it.”

“I know how you see yourself, Dean. I know it. But please, don’t do this again. Don’t hurt yourself again.”

They talk for twenty minutes, moving inside to not draw any attention. They talk about what the future holds and how Dean wants to give up hunting and retire.
Cas promises he’ll come back as soon as this is all over, and they can talk more.

“All I want is to see you happy, Dean.”

“And I want you back home, with me.” He responds.

Dean cups Cas’ face.

“You have to promise me that you’ll stop destroying yourself. We can get you help, and I’ll be home before you know it.” Cas’ voice is soft and gentle.

“I’ll try.” Dean whispers.

They spend the next twenty minutes in each other’s embrace on the couch. Both enjoying each other’s company.
Cas tells him what has been going on in Heaven and reveals a conversation he had with Bobby.

I look to the clock.

Jack knocks on the front door.

“Cas.” Dean whispers, pulling him in for a kiss. “You better come back to me.”

“I will.” Cas promises.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5
Sam

Weeks passed. Dean cleaned the broken glass and bottle up and decorated the bunker and our home.
He’s been clean for a couple of weeks, though he’s been finding it hard.
He’s been waiting for Cas to come home.

He’s been helping Eileen in the kitchen, baking pies and stuff whilst I’ve been handling official business. We’re turning the bunker into headquarters for other hunters. All of us are retiring. That is the plan.

Dean has been counting down the days for Cas to come home. Jack said he only needed him for a few days, but something obviously went down.
I just hope Cas is okay.

I make dinner for us all, letting Eileen rest and Dean has been preoccupied with other things.

Dean talks about all these plans for him and Cas. Places to go now that they’re retired. I’ve never heard him so hopeful.
I can see the hope in his eyes.

“I’m not letting him out of my sight, Sam. I don’t want to lose him again.”

“You won’t. On the plus side, you’ve stopped doing stupid shit and getting into dangerous situations, so Cas doesn’t have to worry about you.”

I stop for a second.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t remember what happened when the vampires attacked, do you?”

“No why?”

I explain to him that Cas saved his life. Cas was the one that made sure he survived. Cas was always looking out for him.

“You can ask him yourself, when he comes back.” I say.

Dean smiles, and I see tears in his eyes.

Night falls.

I’m in bed when I hear a door fly open. Eileen stays asleep, but I grab a gun. Dean is closer to the noise.

“Dean!” I hiss.

I ready my gun and enter my brother’s room.

“Sammy, don’t!”

I turn on the light, and Cas is standing there.

“I’m home.” Cas says softly.

“Yes you are.” Dean whispers.

Dean pulls Cas into a hug and I put the gun down.
Cas apologises for being late.

I check the time.
It’s officially Christmas Eve.

“You are right on time.”

Cas looks at Dean, smiling.

“I’ve been rebuilding Heaven, for you, Dean. For all our friends and family.”

“I know you have.” Dean whispers. “And now you can rest.”

We spend Christmas together, as a family.
Cas gives Dean a gift – an angel blade with his name on it.

“Cas?” Dean asks softly

“Yes Dean?”

“Thank you for raising me from perdition.”

“I’m so glad I did.”