Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was desperation. Garak knew it, and he felt the shame run through him as he reached for the doctor and kissed him, pulling him closer. It was him just wanting a bit of the pleasure the wire used to make him feel, nothing more. The wire the doctor had removed from his brain.

And of course the doctor knew it. It was written all over his desperation as he stopped one second to make sure he was not making a terrible mistake, another thing to add to his list of things to feel ashamed of.

Julian leaned into the kiss, pressing a hand against the back of Garak‘s neck. He wrapped his free arm around his waist, smiling into the kiss as a flutter went through him. He’d wanted this for ages, and it wasn’t going to be exactly wanted — it wasn’t romantic, just Garak fulfilling a need, even if he could see the panic in his eyes as he made sure he wasn’t overstepping — but it was something.

Garak was disheveled, desperate. Whatever little release he could get now the wire was gone, he was willing to give away his pride, his self esteem, anything. With any luck the doctor wouldn't look at him with pity once this all was over, because Cardassia knew he had enough pity for himself already.

Julian pulled back with a small smile, clutching Garak’s hands as he pulled him toward the bedroom. His eyes were practically shining before he leaned in for another kiss, and Garak hated himself as he looked at the young man, practically glowing with excitement.

It definitely wasn’t what Julian imagined, but then, he was used to adapting and just taking whatever he could. He knew he wasn’t a man to fall in love with, but to have a fun night with. He was like candy; attractive, good for a peckish moment, but hardly filling enough to be more than a little snack that was soon forgotten. And he was ok with that. Most of the time, he saw people like that as well. How could he not, when he knew nobody would ever take him seriously? He just didn’t mind anymore.

Garak felt some measure of relief that Julian seemed excited, delighted even to have this moment. But then of course he did. Julian loved the thrill of danger, the taste of something forbidden. For all of his delightful qualities, he was unfortunately pedestrian in that. But Garak would take it, would be the fling Julian whispered to his proper Starfleet partner a decade from now, if he even managed to remember him by then.

If Julian was smiling and giggling and Garak seemed focused on the wellbeing of his partner even in his desperation, neither thought a lot of it during the moment. Both were sure it was nothing more than a bit of release for the other.

And when both started to dress again without losing even a second to pillow talk, neither was surprised either.

"Tomorrow at 12 in the replimat then, Garak? We still need to discuss Sherlock Holmes, after all."

“Of course. I can’t imagine how you terrans got through such a drivel, but I’m excited to hear you attempt to defend it.” He swallowed down his pain. He knew this moment would come, the moment to act as if nothing was out of the ordinary, but then, he used to have the wire to help him with the pain, so that was probably why it hurted more this time.

"I thought you liked mysteries." Julian finished with his uniform and went to the mirror, looking at his hair with disgust. "You don't have a comb by any chance, do you?"

“In my dresser drawer. It’s made for a different texture than yours, but it should work well enough.”

Julian combed his hair in silence, watching as Garak buttoned his clothes and straightened his hair until it seemed nothing had happened between them. He looked every bit his normal, fastidious self, perfectly dressed with hair slicked back and a pleasant smile. 

"Wouldn't do to do the walk of shame with my uniform looking out of sorts and my hair tousled, would it."

“No, especially not from these particular quarters.” Garak answered in a cool, amused tone, the same one he usually reserved for gently mocking Julian’s favorite texts.

"One more rumor to add to the Julian betting pool, right? I'm pretty sure Quark makes good money out of my adventures." There was a bit of a self deprecating tone to his voice, but the laughter that followed was warm and careless.

Garak smiled gingerly at him, holding back a new wave of self-pity. Of course. He was nothing more than one of Julian’s many dalliances, a passing fancy soon to be replaced. Was his name in the betting pool, or nobody had even cared to think an old thing like him was worthy of that? “I’m sure he does, who could resist such a sprightly young officer?”

"Apparently, as long as I don't talk, few can. The moment I try to do pillow talk suddenly they have a lot of work to do."

“I can’t imagine that being the case, unless you’re only picking the most insipid people on the station.” Garak shook his head a bit, smiling in a way that was surprisingly kind. “Or trying too hard to impress them.”

"Trust me, you should be thankful I am too busy to stay." He smiled at his reflection and then turned to Garak. "Do I look respectable enough to go to a meeting?"

“Only because it gives me time to think of more ways to pick apart your novel.” Garak called as he gave a quick wave, smiling a bit as he crossed his arms. “And more than, my dear doctor.”

Yes, he looked every bit like the normal Julian, and Garak wondered how many times he had actually rushed to meet him after leaving someone else’s quarters, practice making it impossible to tell he had not been in his room only by his looks.

"See you tomorrow at lunch, then." And then Julian was gone and the room felt too cold and too big again.

Their lunch was exactly the same as always. Friendly jabs, veiled insults, Garak flirting without Julian knowing about it, Julian flirting without Garak noticing anything. It was almost painful, as if the previous day had never happened. There were moments Garak wondered if he had indeed been hallucinating, except that from time to time Julian's foot would softly touch his tail.

Julian grinned a bit, lying a hand on the table as he leaned in with a certain spark in his gaze. His foot bumped Garak’s tail lightly, a hint of nervous energy going through him. Garak was so calm, so... Garak. It was like last night never happened. Did he want it to happen again? “And what are your plans for tonight, Garak?”

"The same as always, I'm afraid. Contemplating existence and pitying myself until 7, then dinner, a shower, and to bed. I'm sure yours are a lot more exciting."

“Oh, maybe not. I have a late shift today and I thought I might stop by Quark’s for a nightcap, if you wanted to join me.”

"I may just do it, although I remember you clearly forbidding me from consuming alcohol until I'm fully recovered."

“We can both have a soda.” Julian smiled impishly before darting away, practically bouncing as he got back to his shift.

He was considerably less so when he found himself sitting alone at Quark’s, Garak nowhere in sight.

He waited over an hour, sipping his drink until he got tired and decided to go home. If he stood in front of Garak's door as he walked down the corridor, trying to decide whether to ring the bell or not, well, nobody had to know. Not Garak, in particular.

Eventually Julian swallowed his pride and reminded himself Garak just wanted a bit of fun, he just needed his brain chemistry to get back to normal. He could be that for his friend, just a means to an end. He just needed to make it clear that he understood. That was where the Vulcan newly stationed in the science department came in.

And why not, right? She was pretty, she was someone who certainly wouldn't get attached to him, and the same was true for him. He was Julian Bashir after all. Nobody would ever be willing to put up with him, so why get his hopes up?

Chapter Text

The next day, Garak almost chased after Julian when he walked past his shop, just barely able to keep his composure. "Doctor! Oh, I am so terribly sorry. I'm afraid the headaches made me forget about our chat from earlier. When I came back to myself, it was rather late."

It was a weak excuse, especially for Garak, but it didn't matter. His fear made him stay home, and now his fear was making him shame himself by running after Julian so desperately.

“No problem, Garak, I didn’t even notice. I actually ran into T’el from the science department. I wanted to ask her about her botany research on Bajor and she offered me a ... personal tour of her lab.”

Garak knew exactly how it felt being stabbed. Yet most of the time the sensation came with blood loss and a pointy object protruding from his body, not a bright smile and knowing eyebrow wiggle.

"I imagine she did. Good to know your night wasn't completely lost, then. It would have been awful if you had really been expecting me." Garak's smile gave Julian nothing. No pain, no jealousy, nothing. It was infuriating. "You're lucky I am such an unimportant man, and that this station is so full of interesting people."

“Oh, you’re quite important, Garak. Who else would argue with me about literature and make sure my uniform fits?” Julian teased with a wide smile, trying to hide the sense something was off. He was probably just imagining things. “But yes, I had quite the adventure last night.”

"Ah, to be young and pretty. The biggest adventure I can expect now is to sell a dress with a fitting form." Garak swallowed his hurt down. He had been just a fling after all, then. And yet, he was not above being a fling again, if Julian wanted. He had nothing else to lose at this point. The feeling of the knife moving in his insides was infuriating, intolerable.

“Hmm, I could you provide you with something more exciting than that, if you’re interested.” Julian gave him a quick once over, hoping his meaning was clear. Garak didn’t want him the way Julian would like him to, but he did want him, and that was something.

"Ah, but what can this old and crumbling Cardassian have against a lovely vulcan?" He felt hollow, hoping for whatever scrap of affection he could get.

“Oh, plenty. Variety is the spice of life, after all.”

Was that all he was? Variety? One old Cardassian to contrast with a pretty vulcan, to compare with a strong Klingon? And yet he was ready to say yes to whatever Julian offered. How far he’d fallen. "I'm open to suggestions, my dear."

“Well, I think you should take me on for another try, if you’re interested. I’m quite flexible, you know.”

"And I'm quite experienced, as well." Or at least that is what his spy career had forced him to be. If that was what was needed to keep the human at his side, for once the Obsidian Order training and all the horrible assignments in his life might work in his favor. If there was something he’d learned the hard way, it was how to keep someone coming back from more, even if they won’t want anything else. "Your quarters or mine?"

“Hmm, I think mine tonight, to shake things up. I’ll make you dinner.”

"Sounds like a plan."

That night Garak didn't chicken out, because he has nothing else to lose.

Julian grinned and sat a plate of Garak’s favorite lunch choice in front of him, biting his lip as he also poured a glass of Kanar. He had prepared a tray with different dressings, and even had thought about procuring some candles, before fear made him rethink his idea. He was already being obvious, he didn’t want it to be that embarrassing if he was wrong. 

"My, this seems excessive for a man like me." Garak grinned brightly, but felt uneasy. Did Julian go through all this trouble for make his conquests? Or was he so lonely he was willing to go to such lengths for a man like him? Certainly it was a lot and made Garak feel like he owed something to Julian. There was no way the dimmer could simply be a romantic invitation.

Julian shook his head, feeling a bit self-conscious. Was it too much after all, then? He never knew the right way to go about things. He shrugged a bit as he stirred his spring wine. “Not at all, it’s quite easy to replicate.”

"I'm glad I have a friend like you, willing to sacrifice all his replicator credits for me." He raised his glass, imitating the cheers he read about in Julian's novels all the time. Of course it was an easy thing to do. It meant nothing. That idea of his that this was a bit too much of an effort for a fling was simply wishful thinking.

Julian raised his glass back, grinning as he stole a bite of his own soup. “Of course, Garak. I’m happy to use them any time I have a friend in need.”

That night again they rushed to get dressed, and again that night Julian refused to admit to himself he'd rather not stay alone, that his room felt too big and too cold.

Chapter Text

Being alone used to hurt less, Garak mused as he drank another glass of kanar at Quark's. The only good thing about Julian being at a medical conference for 10 days was that he could drink until getting sick without the doctor lecturing him. Granted, he wouldn't be drinking if he wasn't feeling alone, but it still held.

“Think you might be having a little too much there, Garak.” Quark tutted even as he poured him another glass. His bartender's responsibility was to warn his clients, his Ferengi common sense was to still pour for them. 

"You never complain to a customer unless you're ready to sell something else." He could feel the words getting out of his mouth a bit more slurred, a bit less pointed than he’d like them to be. This would be the time Julian would be taking him to his room, lecturing him, and maybe... no, he was drinking to take his head out of that hole, not to get inside it again.

“I could get you a program with him as the love interest, you know. I have enough photos of him. I have a voice replicating algorithm that’s perfect.”

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but I suspect you should refrain from talking at all."

“Fine, fine, just trying to help out a fellow lovelorn man.”

"As I said, you have no idea what you're talking about, and I'd appreciate it if you stopped endangering your life like that."

Quark shook his head. Some men didn’t appreciate what he did for them. “Suit yourself, Garak. Want another drink? It will be on the house.”

"A stronger one, if you can."

He came back with Kanar crossed with something that practically smelled like nail polish remover. “Is this strong enough?”

"I hope." When had he become so soft Quark's offer made sense, made him even want to accept, if even for one moment? When had he fallen so low, that the idea of a holographic doctor, saying the things he knew the doctor would never say to him, was so appealing?

“Good, seems like you could use it if you’re going to spend the night alone.”

"Just spit it out. Is there something you want to tell me?" he was pretty sure his anger wasn't just the alcohol talking, just as much as he knew it was not just directed to Quark.

“You’re in love with the good doctor, but instead of telling him, you’d rather mope around here.”

"And to think I am the one that's supposed to be drunk and saying stupid things."

“Hmm, say what you want, but you’re hardly the first lovelorn fool I’ve seen in here.”

Yes, obviously he hadn’t been as careful as he thought he was. He probably had had one more drink with Julian than he should have, smiled a bit wider than was wise. "Though it’s pretty pointless when it comes to the doctor, don't you think? some people just aren’t meant to stay in one place or with one person."

“I think he’s more willing than you think. He looks for you, when he comes here.”

"And then leaves with a younger one hanging from his arm. I may be, old and pathetic, but I'm not an idiot, Quark. Give me some credit."

“I’d have to disagree. You’re all 4 for the price of one.” Quark didn’t know why he was trying to play matchmaker, other than these two spent more together than apart, and both made bad choices when left alone.

"Thank you, Quark, I sometimes need to hear I'm also stupid... definitely brightens my day."

“No worry. And that’s on the house.”

He kept drinking. It was bad enough he felt like this when the doctor was away, to also have people sticking their noses in his business. When had he become such a joke?

Quark eventually poked him on the shoulder, smile almost coming toward kind. “Last call, Garak.”

"I won't lower myself to indulging in one of your pathetic holo stories."

“Of course, then it’s time for you to get out of my bar before you get really sick. No doctor on duty on the station, after all.”

"You're the worst bartender." The world started to spin when he got up, but he refused to show it. Not to anyone except Julian. His pride might be damned, but he wasn’t about to cave and show weakness to any of those idiots on the station.

He got back to his quarters and collapsed on the couch, feeling incredibly ill and counting the hours until the doctor returned.

Away missions were usually amusing and so busy that time passed faster than on the station. At least while he was working. Because the moment he had time on his hands and nothing left to do, his head went right back to who was on the station not waiting for him. It was absurd.

Julian sighed and pressed his hands into his face, wondering how he’d let this happen again. He knew better than to fall for someone, especially someone like Garak. He had absolutely nothing to offer the man.

"Pinning for someone?" Jadzia's voice was warm, understanding. She leaned on the door frame, looking at him with infinite sweetness. "Want to talk about him?"

“Am I that obvious?” Julian asked with a low sigh, pressing his thumbs against his eyes.

"You are for me. What I don't understand is why you're not obvious to each other." She sat down at his side and gently slid his head on her lap, combing his head with her fingers as a mother would do. "For two people so smart, you're both really being oblivious."

“He doesn’t feel that way about me, Jadzia.” Julian scoffed, shaking his head as he reached for his drink. What a day. Of course she knew what was going on. She always did. “Oh, he finds me attractive and he’s more willing to put up with my rambling than most people, but I have nothing to offer him. Not in the long-term.”

She took the drink out of his hand and made him lay back down again. "Oh, no, I think we should have this conversation with you sober. He doesn't put up. He's fascinated by you in every possible way, but terrified of your rejection."

“Oh please, Garak has no reason to fear my rejection and he knows it. He’s — brilliant, utterly brilliant, and sophisticated, and far more clever than I could ever hope to be. He’s loyal, devoted in a way I can’t even fathom. I... I’m candy. I have never worked for things the way he has.”

Jadzia shook her head, stroking his hair as Julian let out a low sigh. "No, you see yourself like that, and that's why you seek situations that will make that true. But he'd take you as you are, if you let him. If one of you just talked for once instead of insinuating."

“You don’t know what he says about me, then. He doesn’t see me as something serious, as someone capable of being serious. I’ve tried — I’ve tried so many times. I’m tired, Jadzia.”

"I think you both are trying the wrong way, then. Sometimes you can't just dance around and throw hints in the hopes the other one will be the brave one. They will be lost in translation with you two."

Julian scoffe, though the sound was drowned out by a yawn. “I already said that I’m not brave, Jadzia. Not how it counts. It’s easier to move on.”

She stroked his hair unbearably softly. She knew. She'd seen her friend hurt himself every day since they met, put himself in situations that would only reinforce the way he felt about himself. "I wish I could solve this for you, I truly do. All I can say is you do have more to offer than you believe."

“Maybe, but it’s not a risk I can take. I can live with the maybe, with the scraps I can get... but the rejection, that would be too much.”

"And he probably feels the same. Believe me, I have 300 years on this."

Julian snorted at that, shaking his head a bit as he met her gaze. “Yes, and if you can’t see anything long term with me with all the wisdom, why would he?”

"Because that's not how it works. I wasn't the right person for you, and I think we both knew it then, and we both know it now. You wish to be with someone, not just hook up to avoid being alone, but you're too scared to make that known. Going after me was a mistake and I won’t hold it against you, as it turned into a beautiful friendship."

“I ... yes, but just because someone is the right person for you doesn’t mean you’re the right person for them.”

"Maybe, but when you insist on posing as the wrong person, you never get to be the right one either."

“And what do you think the right person to pose as would be?”

"You really don't think he feels jealous whenever you walk with someone new on your arm? Sure that you could never commit, and much less to someone like him? You don’t think it hurts him terribly?"

“No, I think he’s amused. Maybe a bit judgmental.” Julian’s tone bordered on the bitter, though there was enough hope in his voice for Jadzia to press on. 

"And surely he thinks you're amused by whatever is going on between the two of you, too."

“Oh, you think? I thought he was just humoring me.”

"Believe me when I say he probably thinks the same of you. I can see how he looks at you."

“Hmm, well then maybe he should make a move. He started it.”

"And now he's too terrified of what he started."

“Maybe, but then who’s to say he won’t cut and run?” Julian made a dismissive gesture, as though he wouldn’t care. He shouldn’t. He’s certainly used to waking up alone by now. 

"I won't deny it, that's a possibility. He's too used to pain, he won't believe something good could be coming his way. Even now, what you have with him causes more sorrow than happiness for both of you."

Julian laughed bitterly at that. “I ... so you think part of why he won’t make a move is because he wants to be unhappy?”

"And the same is true for you. For some reason I can't even imagine, you seem to believe you deserve to be unhappy." She kissed his forehead softly. "And you don't. You do deserve more than that, Julian."

“Maybe, but... the question is why. Why do I deserve more?”

"Maybe, you should ask yourself why not, for a change." She gave him one last little kiss in his head and climbed to the top bunk bed.

Chapter Text

Garak had a special part of his brain, one dedicated exclusively to obsessively hating himself and going through all the mistakes he’d made to lead him to where he was now. 

Whatever he was doing, that little part was still nagging at him, telling him that he had brought this on himself. And that part was now filled with hate for his weakness with the wire, which had compromised him badly enough that Captain Sisko had enough information to "suggest" Garak should be part of an away team. One for a frankly cursed mission, because his talents would be of use. 

Talents that now meant he was trapped in a freezing cave on Bajor with Julian, Dax, and O'Brien. Garak was well aware that falling asleep out of hypothermia was not out of the question anymore.

Julian curled closer to him, maybe surprisingly as he wrapped his arm around his waist. His breath was cool, but warmer than the air around them. Julian’s gaze was full of concern, touch almost unbearably soft. “How are you doing? I know this temperature is worse for you than it is for us.”

Garak recoiled, not wanting the others to see his weakness, to see him with the doctor. "I'm holding up. I believe that ensign needs you more than me." He hated his teeth for clicking as he shivered.

“I — of course. Stay huddled close to the others and I’ll be back after I check on her. It will just be a moment, but call me if you feel any change.”

The only reason Garak was able to nod was because he was too angry at himself to allow his mind to drift into the darkness. Garak knew he was showing undeniable signs of not being fine; his pupils were dilated, his ridges all looked darker because of the broken blood vessels, his breathing and heartbeat were faster than they should be. It was tempting, just letting everything end like that, to let his conscience fade away, but he refused to accept it.

Jadzia got closer to Garak, and was surprised when he didn't send her away when she tried to share her body heat. Bad sign. "He's worried, you know."

Garak shook his head a little, lips thin even as he smiled. “He shouldn’t waste his time. There are so many younger, prettier things to worry about.”

"You don't get to decide that. And youth is fleeting, while beauty is in the eye of the beholder." 

She hoped rilling him for a discussion would help keep him awake too. The possibility of the cardassian not coming back from this mission was more real than anyone would like to admit. 

“It’s not for me to decide, Dax, but as Julian’s friend it is my duty to protect him from his more dangerous passing fancies.”

"You're not just a fancy, even if you both try to convince yourselves that this is just a fling.”

“Hmm, and what would you know of it?”

"I know you both are fools, for starters. And I know you should tell the doctor you're experiencing hypothermia. He'd never forgive himself if you die here, you know. If you care about him as much as you say you do, you’ll force yourself to survive this."

“I ... all right, but only so I don’t have you haunting me later on. And because I suspect the cave is getting colder by the minute.” 

Garak called for the doctor and reached for Julian’s arm as soon as he was close. The way his fingers closed was almost a spasm, and he noticed they looked bad.

"Yes? Are you alright, Garak?" Julian's face was barely concealing his anxiety, his hands wrapping around Garak’s in an attempt to warm them.

“Commander Dax told me that she thinks I might be suffering from hypothermia.” Garak sighed as he brushed a hand against Julian’s cheek, shaking a little. He definitely knew he was hypothermic, the thermal suit not helping his body retain its heat.

Julian scanned him with a tricoder, more out of habit and because he needed something to force Garak to be a good patient than because he needed to.

The values were all bad. Accelerated heartbeat, shallow breath, broken blood vessels on the areas exposed, high sugar levels. Even with his limited knowledge of Cardassian physiology, he had Garak’s normal values memorized, and these ones were certainly nowhere near those. 

"Your values are all off the chart." Julian took off his vest without thinking and covered Garak with it. "You need it more than me. I will keep moving so I won't be cold."

“As long as you’re sure. You’re warmer blooded, but you’re also not a very big thing.” This is why Julian will never love you, Elim, he thought. Being so selfish that he'd accept the very jacket that kept Julian from getting to the same state he was in right now.

"I am." For a moment Julian's eyes were tender, but then he got his composure back. "You're not stabilizing. Would you be too opposed to me massaging your extremities in public to get the blood flowing again? I'm really worried about your hands and ridges."

Garak swallowed a little, glancing at Dax and then back to Julian. He supposed Dax wasn’t the worst person to see it. “Yes, I suppose that would be acceptable.”

"Thank you, Garak. I’m really worried about you right now. Dax, why don't you go assist O'Brien?" He knew Garak was only accepting because he was feeling incredibly sick, which was a bad sign.

Julian carefully started massaging his hands and leaned into Garak, trying to give him all of his meager body heat. Now Garak’s breathing was going slower, but it was not a good symptom, it merely meant his body was entering the next stage of hypothermia.

"Trying to give me one more reason to feel embarrassed in front of your colleagues?" Garak tried to make it sound sardonic, but it was barely pitiful and just as weak as he felt. His head spun, and he wondered when he’d start hallucinating. 

“There’s nothing embarrassing about needing help, Garak. I’m just making sure you’ll keep all your fingers.”

"Maybe for you humans, there isn't."

Julian leaned over his face, breathing warm air over his scales. “All right, all right. But you can think of it as a simple medical procedure if that helps. No intimacy, simply the best science available to help you, which is not much considering we’re under a glacier.”

"Shut up and do what you must." Garak tried to roll his eyes but he felt too weak to move those muscles. Even his speech was slurred. "I hate your federation."

“Yes, yes, I know.” Julian said warmly as he kept massaging his hands, nerves on edge. None of this was good. He needed to get Garak out of here.

"And moments like this, I hate you too." There was no bite in his voice, just a terrible tiredness, and something that sounded a lot like terrible, hopeless shame.

“I know you do.” Julian’s voice was unbearably kind, and he buried any lingering hurt that the cruel remark made rise in his chest. He knew himself well and knew how people felt about him.

"You never respond when I say that. It's infuriating." Garak closed his eyes as his whole body shivered. He knew falling asleep was the worse he could do, now that his sugar levels were probably dangerous, and yet, he was so tired... "It's unfair."

“It’s unfair to accept that you hate me sometimes? What should I do? Curse your name?” Julian said dryly as he pinched a few scales, both to keep Garak awake and to keep Garak‘s nerve endings from stopping. “Chief, we need to get out of here. Now.”

"It's unfair you don't snap back. Cardassia knows I deserve it." His eyes fell shut again as he talked. Not even the pinching was helping.

“I’m a doctor, it doesn’t matter what you deserve.” Julian tried to lift Garak, not caring for once if that seemed suspicious given his lack of visible strength. He needed to get him out of here, or at least induce blood circulation by moving him.

"Sometimes it does. You keep as many secrets as me." Garak was talking out of his delirium, not measuring his words anymore, not remembering anymore where he was, why he was there. At least his voice was barely a whisper. He leaned on Julian as he moved him. "Are you taking me home?"

“Yes, I’m taking you home where you’ll spend several hours in the medbay and then be quite embarrassed when you recover.”

"I want my room. I don't like the medbay."

“I know, and I’ll get you there as soon as I can, but sadly I don’t keep my medical equipment there.”

"Your room, then." his head lolled down, bouncing as Julian moved him.

“I... that can be arranged, actually. Two to beam up to the doctor’s quarters.”

"Doesn't look like your quarters." Garak joked weakly when their environment didn't change. Forcing himself to talk made him at least force his head to stay there, with the living.

"Chief, how is the repair coming? I'm dealing with a medical emergency!" Julian snapped at O'Brien.

“I’m going as fast as I can!” Chief O’Brien’s voice was strained as he worked on the machine, shaking his head. “It should — here, I think I got it.”

Garak's answer was only a groan, the struggle to keep his consciousness too much for him.

They suddenly found themselves in Julian’s quarters, his arms still wrapped around Garak. Julian let out a shaky breath, gently laying Garak down on his bed. “Thank the prophets.”

Garak allowed himself to finally relax his eyes. The effort to keep them from shutting permanently was draining. "Cold."

“I imagine. I’m going to slowly start turning the temperature up. I can’t go as fast as you’d like, it would be too much of a shock to your system, so bear with it.”

Garak made a pitiful ball of himself and moaned weakly, trying to wrap his body with his tail in an attempt to keep the heat. The way he started to snuggle under the covers, as a burrowing animal, was painful to see, and far more human than Garak would ever admit to. At least it was exactly what he needed to do to survive.

Julian turned the temperature up by two degrees, doing another medical scan of Garak. “You’re doing a touch better already.”

"Can I sleep now, then?"

“Not yet, Elim. I need to make sure your vitals are steady.”

"Spoilsport." That was Garak being a bit more himself, Julian decided.

“Yes, indeed. Next I’ll make you take some kind of awful medicine.”

"You always do. I believe you enjoy it."

“Hmm, maybe I do. You do make the most interesting faces.”

"You enjoy my suffering." It sounded only like a friendly jab, but was it just that? Garak wondered if either of them would be willing to talk about it seriously. 

“I don’t enjoy watching you suffer at all.” Julian’s voice was surprisingly serious as he brushed some of Garak’s hair back, bringing a cup of tea to his lips. “Ever.”

"Yet you do."

“Do I? Only as much as you enjoy mine, I suppose.”

"You don't suffer as much as I do, my dear." Garak's voice was almost back to normal, even if it was clear his head was still not completely back to reality.

“You don’t know what I’m suffering from, Elim.”

"No, because you do like your secrets."

“Yes, yes, just as do you.” Julian scoffed a little, shaking his head as he pulled the tea away and sat on the bed next to Garak. This was not a conversation he was ready to have, yet. It all hurt so much.

"You're not denying it, though."

“No, what would be the point when you clearly already know?”

"It's not bad having secrets, although for men like us that means we don't fully trust each other." Garak was still talking too much, getting too close to the truth, but his brain felt so clouded it was hard for him to distinguish what should be kept down anymore.

“I trust you — well, I suppose I don’t entirely. But I’d — I want to tell you. It’s just ... you don’t feel the way I feel.” Julian was banking on Garak not remembering this conversation, or thinking it was a delirium.

"I know, and I wish that wasn't true. But I don't hold it against you, you can't control your feelings." Garak laid down and closed his eyes. "Can I sleep now?"

“Yes, yes, now you can sleep.” Julian said, voice laced with pain. Of course Garak wouldn’t hold it against him, he was kinder than he’d ever admit.

After a few minutes, Garak spoke again. "And thank you. My life may not be worth much, but you are the reason I still have it."

“It’s worth a lot to me.”

Garak was already asleep, with his fingers clutching Julian's hand tightly.

Julian kept an eye on his vitals, not sleeping for several hours even after the monitor said they were fine.

By the time Julian woke up, Garak was gone, and he had a blanket over his shoulders.

Chapter Text

One night, after the door opened, Julian entered Garak's room with a bit more of haste than he usually did. "I'm sorry, I can't stay to chat. I am already running late." He gave him a wide smile, which Garak didn’t respond to.

“Oh? Keeping another of your dalliances waiting?”

"Yes, yes." Julian was about to leave when it hit him. He had not liked the tone of that comment. At all. It hadn’t been friendly, or teasing, not even distant. It sounded ... aggressive. He hadn’t liked Garak’s expression either. "Are you judging me?"

“Of course not. Simply making friendly conversation.”

"I don't think that's what you're doing. Admit it, you do think I must have something wrong with me to be like that, don't you?" He felt his anger rise, along with his fear. This was it. This was the moment Garak would tell him he was just a foolish man going for whoever looked his way. That he’d confirm all the things he thought about himself but never dared say out loud.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, outside of your choice to include me among your partners.”

"Ah, and why is that? Come on, I want to hear that." He was coming off too aggressive and he knew it, but he couldn't help the fear boiling at the pit of his stomach. 

Garak snarled a little, hands clenching a bit in spite of himself. He hadn’t expected it to come to a head so soon. Was this the end, then? The moment he’d hear he was too stupid to hope? The young man was too good for him after all. “Maybe because at best I’m a pathetic old man and at worst I’m a nefarious criminal.”

Julian stopped, feeling like something had hit him across the face. He had been so ready for a fight, for insults, for a dismissive comment. He’d never expected this. "You don't... You don't despise me? You don't find me to be the pathetic one? Come on, look at me. Accepting whatever stupid scrap of affection I can get. I know I can’t expect to receive much, and I don’t even try to anymore.”

“Despise you? My dear, I can’t fathom ever feeling so negatively about you.”

Julian started to pace the room, feeling all his fears rising, threatening to close his throat. Fear of being alone, rejected, laughed at, never loved, not more than a passing interest at most. Fear of Garak thinking all those things about him, not wishing to spend more than a short time with him to alleviate his boredom, his solitude. He rubbed his face nervously. "Then why haven't you said something, anything , to keep me at your side? Why haven’t you suggested I stayed for the night, or answered me directly when I tried to show you my feelings?"

“What are you talking about? I’m not so much as a fool to think you’d want to be with me exclusively. The fact that you spend time with me at all is unfathomable.” Garak started angrily, only to falter as he met his gaze. “Show your feelings? When have you shown anything but a haste to leave my room?”

"I don't want to be alone, but I'd gladly be with you and you alone if you wanted me." He shook his head. Garak really hadn't understood at all? "You think I invite anybody for dinner, or lend them my favorite books, or forgive anybody else and invite them even after I've been stood up multiple times? You've left me waiting more than once, out in the open for all to see, and still, I swallowed my pain and shame and asked you out again."

“I thought — I didn’t want you to waste your time with me, I suppose. You’re good. Young and full of potential. My best days are behind me. You deserve someone who ... matches you.” Garak shivered a bit, shaking his head. He could hardly believe this was happening. “And I thought ... I assumed I was simply one of many options those times. And in any case, I wouldn’t need you to be with me exclusively, or to sacrifice anything. It would be unfair of me to try to change you. I simply don’t see why you’d want anything outside of a physical relationship with me. But I wouldn’t be fair if I wanted you and then tried to make you be someone else, or sacrifice something.”

Garak took his hand and walked him to his couch, sitting and waiting for Julian to do the same. He felt his head light, and it was not something he was used to. He thought the times of worrying about someone else’s feelings for him were far behind him.

"There were never other options. And I don't see you like that at all. I seem full of potential, yes, but..." Julian shook his head again and sat at Garak's side. He was not ready to tell his secret, not yet. "You are what you are because you worked hard. How could someone like me ever compete with that? I'm the one that's nice for a little adventure, but then you'll forget all about me as soon as you meet someone with real substance."

“Real substance? I’m afraid I don’t understand, my dear.” Garak murmured even though he suspected he did. He’d seen the files, erased what needed to be erased to protect him. “You’re not a little adventure, dear. You’re a journey.”

"Most people are happy to move on after spending one or two nights with me, so I assumed you were just ... Substituting the hormones I took out from your head. Nothing more."

“I can’t pretend that wasn’t how it started.” Garak tried to keep his voice kind, even as Julian flinched a little. It was his shame and for once he was not ready to hide it under a nice lie. “But even before you took the wire out, I’d wanted you. I just wasn’t desperate enough to risk losing everything at the time.”

"I can't imagine why. Plenty of people are more than happy to tell me why I'm not a desirable company, if you hadn’t noticed. And I can't blame them, they're right. I never shut up and I’m bad at picking up cues."

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, my dear. You’re the only desirable company on this damned station.”

Julian gave him a sad little smile. "And yet nobody would want to keep me around for too long. You can't deny everybody on the station thinks I'm insufferable, and most of the time they’re not wrong."

“Many people on this station have poor taste. Though I don’t think Dax finds you insufferable except when you’re trying to flirt with her.”

Julian hid his face in his hands, voice sounding muffled as he tried to hide his expression. "Aren’t I, though? Clearly you're having issues of your own with this, and all I’ve done is talk about myself, about my fears, or doubts, or what people say about me. I’m not asking you how you feel. I never once tried to talk about what this thing between us is in an adult way, and I never even thought about how what I was doing to show my interest wouldn't translate for you."

Garak took his face delicately, looking at him in the eyes. It was not easy for him, and he wondered if Julian would pick up on  just how vulnerable that made him feel. Probably not, but then, it was on him, not on Julian, to make things about himself clear. “Hmm, no, but I also never gave you any hint of what would translate. And you talk about plenty besides yourself, unless you’ve been keeping secrets about your expansive literary and film career from me. You’re definitely a great debate partner.”

"I have been keeping secrets, that for sure." Julian buried his head in his hands again. "So I was misreading it all this time and hurting you?"

“Yes, though it appears I was hurting you just as much with my casual dismissals.”

"I'm used to being dismissed." Julian's voice was muffled by the hands covering his face, and once again Garak wondered what he should do. Uncover it? Let Julian make the first move? Get closer? Why was everything so hard with the doctor? It was that amazing complexity hidden under the guise of a dumb young man that attracted him, that for sure, but not for the first time he wished they both came with an instructions manual.

Eventually Garak settled for gently grasping his wrists and pulling his hands apart so he could meet his gaze. “Had I thought the dismissals hurt you, I wouldn’t have kept up with them.”

Julian's face was covered in tears. "I... a few times when I made sure you were nearby … I don't know, maybe I wanted to make you jealous. Maybe I just didn’t want to be lonely. How sad is that? How can I claim to love you and do that at the same time?”

“For the same reason I would make all those hurtful snide little comments whenever you did and then push you away when you tried to ask me about them. The same reason I’d make you feel bad when you were with someone else, even if that was not what was bothering me. The same reason I stood you up and let you sit alone for hours. Fear.”

"Can you forgive me so we can start again?" Julian's voice was muffled, trembling as he felt about to panic.

“If you can forgive me.” Garak said softly as he held Julian’s hands, letting hope blossom in his chest.

"There was never anything for me to forgive in the first place. I never held anything against you."

“And I didn’t hold anything against you.” Garak assured him softly, hoping his words got through to Julian.

"You should have. Trying to make someone jealous is horrible."

“Maybe, but so is purposefully abandoning someone in public and mocking their life choices.”

"My life choices tend to be quite bad, to be honest." Julian snorted a bit.

“That’s not for me or anyone else to decide.” Garak corrected him gently, worried a bit by this streak.

"Still, it must be quite infuriating to watch me be an idiot." He smiled weakly. "And to be oblivious to what I had in front of me."

“Was it not infuriating for you to do the same? Remember you had to remove a wire that pumped drugs into my brain.” Garak asked softly as he squeezed his hand, cursing them both a bit. “I was unfair to you more than once. And I was stupid and refused to see what was happening.”

"You weren’t stupid. You were dealing with mixed messages." He sighed. "I did purposely seek someone for you to see me with that first time you left me waiting at Quark's. I was feeling really bitter and disappointed."

“Yes, I did guess that, and thought it was your way to tell me not to get my hopes up, too. I thought you’d moved on when you didn’t invite me out again for another day or two.” Garak explained with a small laugh. “And you were dealing with mixed messages too, with my cryptic way of dealing with our relationship. One day I acted like you were the sun, and the next day I treated you like I didn’t even know you.”

"I thought you didn't want me to expect something that wouldn't happen. And it was fair, I understood it and felt it was kind of you, not letting me get my hopes up." He touched his eyeridge with fondness. "You have no idea how much I missed you whenever I was with someone else. I felt like an idiot."

“I did, but I also didn’t want to have hope that it could be and then watch you get bored of me after a few days.” Garak admitted shakily as he pulled him closer, smiling softly.

"You never bore me."

Garak ran a hand over his face, smiling softly and letting his hand shake a bit as he pulled Julian to him, touching his smooth forehead with his spoon.

"Let's start again, my dear doctor, shall we? I'd like you to stay for dinner, I believe that part of the human ritual was performed only by you so I imagine the next step should be to retribute you."

“Yes, this time I will. And tell me, how would you court me as a Cardassian on a first date? We can combine them.”

"You can be as aggressive in your opinions as I am, trying to win over me. That's the most seducing thing for a Cardassian, a clear mind and a fast wit."

“Oh good, so all those lunch time arguments didn’t put you off? I worried about that. Nobody likes my feistiness, I’ve been told.”

"They were what I enjoyed the most. I feared telling you that would alienate you, or made you feel like I was pushing you into a relationship you didn't want."

“Oh, no, I enjoy them too! I’ve always loved a lively discussion but some people ... well, most people, to be honest, find them off putting or aggressive or annoying. Or a beautiful combination of all three.”

"I find it utterly charming. I really wish we stopped dressing in a haste and started discussing until we fall asleep."

“I’d like that very much myself. I’ve spent many a night imagining what it would be like if you stayed.”

"I imagine it would be us nitpicking each other’s favorite books until we fell asleep, only to continue during breakfast."

“That sounds utterly delightful. Shall we start now?”

"Of course. Lucky for you, I am pretty good at observing so I think I may be able to prepare you the best date dinner you could desire. I don’t want to sound like a stalker, but I know exactly which food you consume with pleasure, and which one because you don’t have enough time."

Julian wondered if it was too soon to ask about replicating a toothbrush. The idea of having all his own hygiene products in Garak’s quarters seemed like a dream, a way of marking that territory as his own too. “How wonderful. What books do you want to take apart first?”

"I'd love to hear you insult Preloc until you feel satisfied before the first course. But first, I believe we're due something else."

“And what would that be?” Julian asked with an almost impish smile, hands wrapping around Garak’s waist.

"My dear doctor, can I kiss you properly for once and take you on a date, now we've both put everything on the table?"

“Oh, that would be great. And if it helps make you less nervous at all, I’m going to say yes.”