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The post that inspired this: https://tamamonomaes. /post/636878425821446144/feeling-so-incredibly-vagued-about-all-these-posts
If it wasn't for this post I'm not sure I would've even had the idea to write this, so thank you!!! I really wanted to consider the implications of going grocery shopping with DOUMAN!
Please enjoy a slice-of-life adventure alongside Ashiya Douman! (probably a crackfic)
The Festive Aisle
Enlisting Ashiya Douman to help you out with grocery shopping was a novel way for the two of you to deepen your bonds.
Yet, things hadn’t gone to plan at all.
The two of you had spent an inordinate amount of time cooped up within the costume department, making your way through a horde of discounted Halloween items.
“Ah, master…What do you think of this delectable skull? I feel a certain form of longing for it, as if I must add it to my collection!” Pernicious green nails raking over its base, Douman grasped the skull as if it was a precious heirloom.
“Though it may be cheap, it has a certain charm to it, as well.”
“It looks nice, but why would you want a plastic skull? Your collection is large enough as it is.”
Struggling to contain an impending explosion of laughter, you avoided their gaze. ‘At this rate, we’re gonna be stuck in this aisle forever…’
“Hmm, you may be right. If that’s the case; may I suggest that we place this in our room instead?”
‘In…our room?’
The image of a messy room filled to the brim with macabre goods, dazzling Christmas lights- and bright pastel walls- materialized within your mind; laughter bubbling to the surface of your chest.
“Haha! I’m not sure about that, the room’s strange enough already…”
Jaws chattering loudly enough to arouse quizzical stares from those nearby, Douman’s coal-black eyes glimmered buoyantly as they played the skull like a puppet; bringing it to life with their magic.
“Huhuhu…but does it not amuse you so? How these scraps of plastic dance so merrily within the palm of my hand? I think it'd make for a rather nice addition.”
A powerful energy filled the air, as other skulls and skeletons began to move as if they had a will of their own; kicking up a rush, as fellow shoppers pulled out their smartphones- blissfully unaware of the tremendous magical power being demonstrated right before them.
“Mom, look! Isn’t that awesome?” A particularly fearless kid leapt towards the towering skeleton, desperate to experience its animation close-up. “I wonder what it feels like- AAH?!”
Clattering to the ground in fear, the kid screeched as the skeleton swung a punch at him; missing him by a hair’s breadth.
“Ah, it seems you strayed too close, young child.” Eyes narrowing with mischievous cheer; the bells attached to their spindly tendrils of black and white hair jangled a frightening tune. “If you come any closer, they may attack! BOO!”
A blood-curdling scream erupted from the kid’s throat, as they fled- running away as fast as possible.
“Wait, don’t go!!” The kid’s mother screeched after them, pausing briefly to flip Douman the most offensive middle finger that they could muster. “Come back!”
Watching them pass by with an amused glower on their face, Douman delighted in their fear.
“How amusing… this… ‘grocery store’ that you talk of provides me with ample opportunity for chaos!”
“Chaos? Wait, Douman… I think you have the wrong idea. I’m here to buy tonight’s dinner-”
“Why search for nutritional sustenance when you can provide yourself with ample entertainment instead? Don’t you see, master? This configuration that you refer to as a ‘grocery store’ is none other than the ultimate breeding ground for fun!”
“Wait, Douman… DOUMAN! Stop, you’ve done enough for today!”
But it was too late. They were already off, excitedly searching for their next source of amusement.
As you witnessed the sight before you, only one thought pervaded your mind.
‘Why are they like this…’
Maybe it wasn’t such a wise idea to invite this deadly Onmyoji to the grocery store, after all…
Food Shopping
After Douman’s terrifying antics had resulted in the two of you being booted from the store; you had to look for another place to go shopping instead.
‘Hopefully this place will be quieter than the last…’
The sun shone beautifully overhead, as you grumpily pulled a large shopping trolley to your side; the two of you traipsing towards the store in eerie silence.
Fellow visitors stared, the vision of Douman’s lurking; tall figure arousing great interest within them.
“Master, you’re strangely quiet…Have I slighted you, by perchance?”
Turning back to face the prideful Douman, you were surprised to see a surreal expression on their face- one unlike anything you’ve seen before.
As usual, their everlasting smile was plastered to their face- like an unyielding mask- yet the sparkle in their eyes had dimmed.
‘What is this…. Are they feeling forlorn?’ Sighing, you look them straight in the eyes- gaze powerful.
“I’m not upset. You didn’t do anything dangerous, so it’s okay. But I do find that once your interest is set alight, you become almost impossible to reason with.”
“…You are indeed correct, dear master.”
At the very least, that was an understatement.
Once the flames of passion and mischief lit themselves beneath their backside; Ashiya Douman would become an unstoppable force.
A force that had wreaked havoc upon Chaldea; threatened the lives of many; imbued countless souls with despair…
Yet here you were, shopping alongside this tumultuous beacon of unpredictability.
Aware of the doubts lingering within your mind, Douman’s smile falters.
They weren’t used to being in a relationship like this.
Seducing and entrapping humans within their intoxicating embrace- or relishing in the anguish and pain of the humans they so despised- that was what they were used to!
Not doing things such as grocery shopping!
Ruefully padding at the shikigami encased within their sleeve, Ashiya Douman was at a loss for words.
“Ashiya.”
Finally breaking through the impenetrable silence between you, you softly called out to them; as the freezing waves of the vegetable department rose goosebumps on your skin.
“Yes?” Smile etched on perfectly- so perfectly that it was almost impossible to pinpoint the slight twinge of nervousness in their response- Douman spun towards you.
“Look, I know that we’re two very different beings, and that we enjoy entertainment in vastly different ways.”
“That is indeed obvious,” They smirked at your remark.
“But I still greatly enjoy your company, knowing full well how different we are. Of course, sometimes the things you do definitely make me worried. At times, I wonder if you’ll transform this world into an alternate hellish realm someday!”
“I have genuinely considered doing so,” Douman pondered, placing a pale thumb against their glistening green lips. "A place like Earth is in dire need of change."
“W-WAIT, SERIOUSLY??” The cabbage tumbled out of your hands, faced marred with shock. “NO WAY!”
“Yes way!” Twirling their hands cheerfully, Douman grinned.
“But… as of late, I’ve surprisingly lost my appetite for inducing waves of mass destruction.”
“You have? May you tell me why?” Curious, you shoved your shopping list hastily back into your pocket; ceasing all movement at once.
It didn’t matter if there were people waiting to reach the cauliflower resting besides you.
This conversation would wait for nobody!
“Well, if I’m to be forthright with you master…” A brief grimace broke through their sparkling mask of sublime beauty.
“I’ve become entranced by the concepts of ‘peace’ and ‘love’ that you speak so avidly about. The world of great joy that lies beneath those glimmering eyes of yours… I wish to comprehend it, to understand it too.”
Eyes widening with astonishment, you regarded him properly- fully, for the first time.
“That’s kind of you to say.”
Fingering guns awkwardly, you blush slightly at the sincerity laced within their words. “I’m not sure I’m the best person to show you that, but thanks anyway- eh?!”
Gently holding onto your hand, Douman’s long, green claws traced themselves over the scars lacing your skin; their touch tender.
“I have no choice but to disagree with you on this one, master. Those stunning hands of yours are all the evidence I need. These hands were the very ones that took care of so many servants, who risked themselves in the face of battle, who were willing to sacrifice themselves to save something as wretched as humanity…”
Tears daring to fall from your eyes; your heart swelled.
“Ashiya, I-” Determined to match their brand of honesty with one of your own, you were about to speak until-
A loud tutting noise distracted you both, as a rather disgruntled elderly adult groaned, “GET A ROOM ALREADY! YOU’RE IN THE WAY OF THE CAULIFLOUR; DAMN IT!”
“A-ah! Sorry!” Scurrying to the side, you let them pass through. “Please go ahead!”
Once they were out of the way, silence sneaked back quietly into the vegetable aisle.
“NNN, master. That expression of yours is so tempting~” Placing their hands on the trolley, Douman regained movement; expression misted with lust.
“Shall we save this line of discussion for later?”
“Haha, that may be for the best. At this rate, we’ll be back way after dinner!” Regaining composure, you bumbled after them. “Oops, I forgot the cabbage!”
As you leant down to pick up the bruised cabbage from the clinically clean linoleum flooring, sharp hands brushed ever-so-slightly against yours- taking the cabbage away.
Faces close enough to collide, rampant desire glistened in Douman’s eyes; as the two of you stared at one another.
“Huhu, moments like these are truly thrilling…Well, let’s hurry on now, shall we?”
From this one thing was certainly clear- Ashiya Douman had finally found a way to get under your skin…
'Grocery shopping isn't as mundane as I originally thought it'd be...' Douman happily mused, as the two of you continued on your way.
THE END