Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tubbo felt sick. He WAS sick.Pressing his fingers against his stomach he groaned rolling out of bed “Alexa what time is it in America” 4 pm. Unfortunately based on his analytics most of his followers were American which fucked up his streaming schedule. He’d have to wait till night when they finished their homework or get on their devices. Speaking of, Tubbo stared at his phone having yet to swipe open Tommy’s lingering message

“Ay big T Have you got the chem hw finished”

Tubbo swallowed, he hadn’t. He hadn’t done shit. 40 school emails that he shifted through last night. His parents still liked to blame his.. quote on quote “job” of his. And his depression of course. The diagnosed one. Fuck it seemed all he did was sleep and starve. It was almost worth it if hunger didn’t exist. Tubbo punched in his password and opened Spotify chewing his fingers nervously.

~playing stretch you out: summer walker~

Stepping through his room he walked into his bathroom getting ready to shower. Shit like this made him feel so invalid. He doubted he had actually depression. He felt like he didn’t. But he knew. He felt like an imposter. How could he easily just step into the shower and get ready but others don’t even have the willpower to stand.

He had a meeting with his therapist tomorrow. Every Wednesday at 9am he’d sit down and complain about his fairly easy life to Penelope, Tubbo doubts that was her real name. She never told him her last name.. to connect or whatever. Maybe she thought he was a psychopath and was gonna eat her whole family. Like Hannibal or something.

Tubbo shook his head under the water chuckling squirting 10&1 in his palm scrubbing his scalp clean.

Stepping out he dried his body staring in the mirror admiring his angles. He was proud of how far he’d taken it. Tubbo didn’t ACTUALLY have an eating disorder, he just..wanted to try it out.. get skinny purge a little. He made a Twitter account, started following people. Did whatever. Tubbo could reverse what he did whenever he wanted to. Pick up a sandwich start chewing. He just didn’t want to. He liked watching his collarbones stick out. Wear amazingly skinny clothing. Feel beautiful.

Sighing he picked up his phone pausing summer walker and placing his phone down taking an angled photo with his towel wrapped about his waist.

Cropped it a little bit then posted

TW BODY CHECK

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in came an influx of comments, he was a rather large account, 3 k followers. Ofc he knew some of his *other* twitch fans were disordered but he made sure that none of them would follow him. Or even tell it’s him. He hadn’t shown his hair or face in any of his photos and wasn’t going to anytime soon. He felt an unhealthy burst of pride though, seeing his pics on Pinterest even though he knew it was dangerous. 

“skinnyyy”

“BRUH YOUR WAIST GIMME”

”HOW”

”hey lol haha”

tubbo sighed happily liking and replying.

His alternate name was Cain,18, British, he/him, whatever the whole bit. They liked men on edtwt. Ate it up like..oatmeal or green tea.

“TUBBOO” his mother yelled “COME DOWN FOR BREEKY HON” ah yes breakfast. At 9 pm...

“IM FINE MUM..” tubbo paused “COULD YOU BRING UP A CUP OF COFFEE”

He dried out his hair with a bleached out brown towel, then pulling on green long sleeve and his white xtra large tee shirt over then slipping his grey sweats on. Sighing he sat down breathing heavily then stepped on his scale.. “one..one..zero” pausing tubbo breathed “so that’s sixteen...sixteen?” Fuck. He grabbed his phone punching in his numbers. “sixteen point seventy three”

”TOBY YOUR COFFEE IS ON YOUR DESK!” Tubbo smiled softly hearing his mother stepping down the stairs “THANKS MUM!” he smiled widely leaving the bathroom taking in the hot coffee smell, he looked down the cup..black. He smiled again. Then saw the two little anti depressants laying next to it. He frowned palming them and tossing them into the trash. Slipping into bed he opened his laptop. He didn’t want to stream today. Just chill with quackity and Karl maybe, distract himself. Though tubbo would definitely never say it, his fan base freaked him the fuck out. Thousands, millions of people just invested in his life. It scared him sometimes. How they felt entitled to know everything about him. It scared him. 

******** the next day **********

Penelope sighed “Toby you’re going to have to tell me something..” 

“What would happen if I told you anything?”

She nodded “Hm?”

”you’d tell my parents.. what would happen then?” Tubbo asked genuine.

“Hm..” Penelope said,

Tubbo  sighed ”god Penelope you and your fucking hmm’s can’t we just get this over with?”

”you’re angry.. why? Are you scared, of something?”

”fuck no.”

“Well hows your gamer life going?” She laughed.

Tubbo hated her laugh. She sounded like a those locusts at Tommy’s grandparents home.

“My gamer life is going fine.” Tubbo replied stoically.

“oh come on don’t be cold” she laughed again tubbo winced “we have to connect if you want to get any better”

“ ‘getting better’ that would require me needing help. Or being sick. I’m not sick.”

“We both know that’s very untrue...” she paused taking a sip of her water “have you been taking your meds?”

”yes.” Tubbo said shortly, lying.

Those little green and blue pills, supposed to fill him with serotonin. They just made him bloat, and feel anxious all the time. Tommy had to call him and talk him through a panic attack because he was to anxious to do a rp. No, he didn’t need those pills. All they did was bring him discomfort. 

Penelope scribbled something down quickly “good, and do you think they make you feel better?”

Tubbo contemplated the question, if he were to lie and say yes then they would think he’s getting better. If he were to tell the truth then they’d just prescribe him more shit. 

“..yes, I think I dunno..”

Penelope nodded “I’m glad you’re feeling somewhat better..”

”yes, somewhat.. Penelope, I’d much rather call you by your last name, what is it?”

Penelope took another sip of her water then smiled “Griffens, your parents should’ve told you by now, we have been together for almost a month now”

”well they didn’t, obviously.”

Penelope smiled “obviously..”

they spent the next hour chatting aimlessly before Tubbo could take the bus and leave. 

He didn’t like it when his parents picked him up. He could explore the city more when he walked home, he only lived like 3 miles away anyways. 

He grabbed a free cup of cold water at a local Dunkin’s. No matter how rich he got was rather stingy with his money. Slipping his earbuds in he smiled. He wanted something boppy to match the weather. Smiling he started up his 

“Grimes Is Jesus” playlist and walked home in perpetual peace. 

Chapter Text

Perpetual peace that is until he opened his front door

“SUPRISEE!” The dozen people yelled, Tubbo heard a cork pop somewhere.

“Hello” Tubbo said his voice laced with regret. A birthday party, a surprise, fuck. Should’ve bought some jelly holes at Dunkin, least he’d have excuse not to eat, they’re only a few cals right? Tubbos hand itched to grab his phone and look it up on google. He should’ve bought them, staring into the dark room his mind raced, such a fucking idiot sometimes, this wouldn’t have happened if he bought jelly holes like he normally did, doesn’t matter if he was tryna curve of a few cals, still a fat fucking pig. It was a good thing he thought quickly.

The lights flickered open, there stood people from before covid, as in people he didn’t like as in, his former peers. And his ex? girlfriend, fuck fuck fuck. He darted his eyes away.

Tubbo frowned, hard. Itching in discomfort “Hi everyone!” He said laughing surprised, he blushed. His streamer voice came in handy sometimes. The fake happiness, the fake laugh. His mother smiled grabbing Tubbos arm and pulling him into the crowd. They didn’t have masks on. He missed masks sometimes. Tubbo cringed away from the prying hands smiling and giving condolences following her into the kitchen. The air hung heavy of baked goods and meats. She hugged him rubbing a circle into his back “happy birthday baby” Tubbo smiled hugging her back. “Thanks mum” she really only wanted to make him happy. Although she was shit at it. “Where’s Lani mum?” He asked breaking away from her “upstairs, she didn’t want to mingle with the college kids, too nervy” Tubbo laughed dryly

“same..”

Tubbos mother patted his hand kindly, “Tommy’s upstairs with her! Go say hi!” Tubbo frowned “tommy?” He asked. His mother smiled cheerfully “he’s your best friend dear you though he wouldn’t come? He and Lani were conspiring amongst themselves..I fink your getting pranked!” She joked poking sharp jabs into his chest. Tubbo stood still. “Okay..”

He didn’t want to see Tommy. Not that he wasn’t his best friend, just,, envy envy overtook him in disgusting ways, ever since forever honestly he craved Tommy’s body, to say the least, being the skinniest person he’s seen. And ever since he fell into his “habit” the envy overgrew. He wasn’t himself around Tommy anymore. Not when he could see him in person. Jealousy was not something Tubbo liked to experience.

Tubbos mothers smile fell as he looked at tubbos face “oh come on dear, just one evening please? Did you take your depressants? Is that it?” Tubbo shook his head breathing slowly, he was being selfish.

“Noo mom” he said jokingly “lemme at least greet my friends before I go upstairs,” She smiled walking forwards with Tubbo into the cheerful living room “ya know tommy was probably pranking me for a YouTube video you spoiled the surprise mum”

She giggled “that makes sense, ah better knowing than not”

Entering the living room Tubbo slowly integrating into his “past” relationships, conversations about how covid sucks, the weather, old school teachers, college classes, grades, so many people, one including Jal, his girlfriend, of two years. Fuckckck ex girlfriend.

She was poised across the room sipping La Croi talking with his old friends, her friends, their friends. Tubbo laughed at a communism joke inside his head sighed quickly thereafter. She looked great, honestly. Wearing a white loose knee length dress, and a hippy brown purse thingie. Her cheeks were bright red, and her hair was brown. She changed it.

Tubbos breath quickened, standing up from his spot on the couch. Everything suddenly felt so suffocating, upstairs upstairs upstairs, he shook his legs out and sped walked up the stairs, leaning on the wood floor his stomach fluctuated he felt like he was about to explode, everything was so loud. Stabilizing himself he realized he was panting loudly and crying “jal jal jal fuck” he wiped his tears his head pounding, his blood vessels felt humongous, like everyone one of them had a heartbeat, stumbling to his bedroom he shoved the door open.

A mess. Tubbo realized at the scared faces of his sister and Tommy. He was a fucking mess. “W-what are you..” His eyes widened.

“tubbo whos Twitter are you on?” Tommy asked concern cracking in his voice, Lani stood up running towards her brother “what the absolute fuck Tubbo” Tubbo inched away from Lanis warmness.Tommy stood up, he was so fucking tall, jealousy swarmed though his brain. “We were just gonna uhm..prank you on Twitter is this like your alt account? Or something,, what’s up with your timeline.. I mean..” Tommy shrugged “if your into dudes you coulda just told me but a porn accounts kind-“

Tubbo ran to his laptop shutting it down “I uhm I have to go, we should go?” Lani grabbed his arm

“Tommy those photos were Tubbo, those were body checks are you blind?” Tommy made an annoyed noise “the fuck is a body check.”

This isn’t real this wasn’t happening.

“I dunno, maybe Tubbo can tell us?” Lani asked angrily. The pounding was back again. Shit. His legs felt like there were gonna give out on him. He hadn’t consumed anything for the past 2 days, he wanted to throw up, he would’ve thrown up but he couldn’t. He gagged choking on fresh air, he could feel lanis fingers pressing into his wrists, it felt like she was cutting him open.

she squeezed tighter “hello Tubbo?” He stood blankly staring at the wall thinking about everything that happened today, why was his life so shit, then, his moms shrill voice broke the silence, “TUBBBOOOO”

Tubbo fell to the floor. His knees hitting sharp and painfully against his carpet. “This isn’t fucking happening.” He whispered into his palm “TUBBOOOOOOO” His mum yelled, louder. Lani shook him. “Toby!” She shrieked “get the hell up.” “TUBBOOOOO” 

He shook, all over, “GET OUT MY ROOM NOW.” he yelled, pushing Lani off him. Glaring at Tommy, his eyes were probably blood-shot he probably looked like a proper mess. Lani stood “fine. Just another thing you fuck up, on your own birthday.” She let out a pft and walked away, slamming the door behind her.

“TUBBOO?”

Tommy kneeled to Tubbo’s level, “if you aren’t alright I can distract them for you.” Tubbo looked up into Tommy’s eyes, shame coursing through his body at his thoughts. “Please.”