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Chapter Text

Alec knew he really needed a social life, but that would imply that he had time for a social life. Working two jobs and being pre-med didn’t equate to having enough time to do anything else but sleep and sometimes not even that.

He was on his fourth cup of coffee for that day and the jitters had officially set in two hours ago. But that didn’t stop him from having a fifth cup sat in front of him, just shy of leaving a stain on his meticulously written notes for his organic chemistry final.

Really, couldn’t it have been a take-home instead? That would mean he could pick up extra shifts at the library and maybe Neela would let him pick up another one at the café.

Alec scrubbed one hand across his face while he jotted down more formulas on his “cheat sheet” with the other. Better known as an index card. The one small mercy his professor had granted them the entire semester.

Although he knew he didn’t really have room to complain. He had the best grade in the class but whined right along with everyone else because it wasn’t like he wanted other people knowing that.

No, he was determined to keep his head down, and blending in was the perfect strategy to do that.

He checked his watch and saw that he had a little over an hour of study time before he had to be at the café. Heck, if it was slow Neela might just let him occupy one of the corner tables instead of manning the register.

Surveying his lecture notes for what felt like the millionth time Alec was sure he was going to ace the exam. He wanted to be extra sure though. When it came time to apply for med school next fall he wanted to have a good case for a strong recommendation letter.

Too bad his phone chose that exact moment to blare out the obnoxious ringtone Alec had set it to. He frowned at it, swiping it from the table and turning it on silent to avoid further disturbing the people around him. He was already getting a few annoyed looks from the table right next to his.

He looked at the screen and felt time slow to a crawl and then stop. What was she doing calling him? How did she even have his number?

His hand shook as he continued to stare in disbelief at the numbers scrawled across the screen. Alec contemplated answering it, then decided that it was best to let sleeping dogs lie. It had been three years, well two and a half but still. Long enough for him to have given up the ghost of ever hearing from any of them ever again.

With force, he clicked the red “end” button on the call and then went to his recents and blocked the number. It was fine. Everything was fine. They didn’t know where he lived.

It did make him nervous that they knew his cell phone number. He’d changed that along with everything else about himself when he’d moved here.

Shaking his head, he turned his phone on silent and put it face down on the table. No more distractions.

For the next hour, he lost himself in the structures of carbon molecules and other chemicals. When the timer went off on his phone, he quickly shut it off and shoved his papers back into their corresponding folder. That went into his messenger bag along with the three textbooks and two sourcebooks he’d borrowed at the suggestion of his professor.

Standing up, he pulled on his overcoat.

Although he was glad to be out of the city. It surprised him in some ways how much he liked being upstate New York. It was less claustrophobic and overwhelming. Easier to be somebody and yet no one all at the same time. It was also a far cry from the more temperate climate of his hometown.

Alec slung his messenger bag over his shoulder and headed out into the crisp autumn air. It was edging into winter, the Thanksgiving break their last Hail Mary before the tight grip of finals.

He descended the steps of the university and walked up the avenue. The other good thing about living in a tiny town was that he could walk wherever he wanted to go.

His apartment was only a ten-minute walk from the university and he reached it quicker than usual. Racing ahead of the impending darkness and cooler temperatures brought on when the sun sank earlier than usual.

He was looking forward to making himself something hot to take with him to work and was absentmindedly rummaging through his bag for his keys when he happened to glance up. He stopped before he even realized he’d wanted to.

No, this couldn’t be happening. Not now. What was she doing here?  

Alec thought about running away, but he knew that she’d just come back.

Bracing himself, he walked the last few steps to the rickety staircase that led to his tiny studio apartment.

There, perched on the bottom step, was Isabelle. She didn’t look like she’d changed much in the time that they’d been apart.

Her hair was longer and her makeup a little darker, but it was definitely Isabelle.

She looked up at him, her brown eyes a carbon copy of their mothers, down to the dark fringe of lashes framing them.

He stared at her but didn’t say anything. Of all the times that he’d thought about this moment, he’d rehearsed in his head a million things he wanted to say. But now that he had the opportunity to breathe life into them, the words just wouldn’t come.

His thoughts flitted around in his mind, much like the autumn leaves skipping on the pavement, never settling on one thing for too long.

Alec sighed, he knew he couldn’t have run forever, he just wanted a little more time. But it seemed like his time had officially run out.

“You’ve grown” She mused softly.

Of all the things he’d thought she would say, that wasn’t one of them. He expected some comment about the earrings he now wore. Or maybe the black nail polish. Perhaps even that he was carrying a rainbow messenger bag.

But not the fact that he’d grown, which he had. His freshman year he’d shot up two extra inches, putting him at 6’0.

“Is that all you have to say?” Even he was surprised at his brusqueness.

She flinched away from the abrasiveness in his tone and dropped her gaze to her lap where her fingers were interlaced over her bright red trench coat.

“No.” It was almost a whisper. Nothing at all like he remembered her. Or maybe she became a softer version of herself around him. But what did he know? She was a stranger now. He didn’t think he knew anything about her at all anymore.

He forced himself to speak, “Then why are you here? Did mom and dad send you?”

Isabelle shook her head, “Mom and dad don’t know I’m here.”

He rocked back, trying not to show how much that information surprised him. Isabelle never did anything that would get her in trouble with their parents. What could be so important that she’d defy the wrath of their mother?

“I came here, because” she paused and worried at the sleeve of her coat. “Because I thought someone should tell you”

“Tell me what?”

“It’s Jace”

“What about him?”

“He’s – he’s sick.”

Alec tried not to let show how those words gripped his heart in an ice-cold grasp as he asked.

“Sick how?”

“Cancer” She spit the words out and Alec couldn’t stop the reflexive way he shrank back from them.

Cancer. It was such an ugly word. For a moment, he didn’t want to believe it. But then he saw the way that her hands trembled just slightly and that she wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“I don’t understand.”

She laughed humorlessly, “Yeah, well, neither do we. I just – I just thought someone should tell you before”

Isabelle let the last words trail off into silence. You didn’t have to be a genius to know how that sentence would end.

Alec still couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it. The way that Isabelle had just tilted his world on its axis for the second time in his life.

He knew he should say something, anything, but the words just wouldn’t come.

Finally, when the silence had stretched into uncomfortableness, Isabelle spoke. “I know that you might not want to come back. But Jace, he asks about you. All the time. They say he has a chance because he’s so young. I just, I don’t know what to tell him. And I thought, maybe if I came here then I could convince you to come home.”

Home. Alec didn’t have that anymore. He had, once. But that was a long time ago.

“I don’t have a home,” Alec said quietly.

Isabelle continued to worry at her sleeve. “You could”

“You know why I can’t, Isabelle”

She flinched away from his use of her full name. Strange, that that would elicit such a strong reaction, but not the fact that he refused to call that place home.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to work. Tell Jace, tell him –“

Tell Jace what? That he loved him? Missed him? What did any of that mean when he didn’t even know Jace anymore?

Isabelle got to her feet slowly and fixed him with a hard glare.

Now that, that was more like the Isabelle he remembered. With steel in the straightness of her spine and in her gaze she spoke, “I don’t care what mom and dad said, Alec. But with me, there will always be a place for you. If you change your mind, well, you know where to find me.”

He watched her walk to where her car was parked a little ways up the street. Or he assumed it was anyways. He wondered when she’d gotten her license. Who had taught her how to drive a car if he wasn’t there?

The old familiar ache started in his heart and he rubbed reflexively at his chest as if that would make it go away.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Jace. In fact, he missed his family more and more as the days went by. But he knew that he wasn’t welcome there.

His mother and father had made that quite clear.

Alec forced himself to walk up the steps to change into his uniform. At this rate, he was going to be late. Not like Neela really cared but still.

There was a stiffness in his movements, mechanical even, as he numbly put on each item of clothing. Jace was sick, really sick. Jace could die.

That thought made his blood run cold.

The idea that Jace would no longer be there. Not even the option for reconciliation, made him feel unsettled. No, it was more than that, it made him feel a deep, aching regret for all the things that could be and that he would never get to say to him.

He wondered what his parents' reaction would be if he showed up on their doorstep again.

Without permission, the last night that he’d spent there crept into his mind.

It was the second week of summer vacation. Only a week prior, he’d graduated high school. Class valedictorian and several scholarship offers on the table.

The future looked bright, but there was one cloud that prevented the skies from being completely clear.

Alec had a secret.

He’d thought about telling his parents ever since he’d figured it out in the spring of his sophomore year.

There was never a good time to tell them though. Not only that, but he wanted a way to escape if things went sideways, which he was sure they would.

His parents had never been shy about how they felt about people like him. Godless. Abominations.

They were “God-fearing” good, “Christian” people. They prayed to the saints every night and were at mass in the front pew every Sunday. There was never a holy day of obligation that they missed.

Alec couldn’t count how many of those Sundays he had spent praying for God to take away this part of him. The part of him that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard he tried. How many girls he kissed.

It ate him alive on the inside.

Finally, he was forced to admit that maybe it wasn’t something that could be changed after all. That thought was followed closely by the admission that if God couldn’t take it away from him, maybe He wasn’t all-powerful after all. Maybe He didn’t exist at all.

Because how could He if He created people like Alec just to condemn them to torture in a fiery hellscape for all eternity?

Sunday morning had never been the same after that. Nothing had.

It was also around that time that he’d decided no matter what when he turned eighteen he was telling his parents.

He’d been putting money away for two years now, enough so that he could disappear if he needed to. He highly doubted they’d be looking for him after this night anyways.

Alec paced the floor as he waited impatiently for his parents to come into the living room. After what seemed like forever, they came in and sat on the couch.

The perfect couple. An ideal picture of a good marriage. If you didn’t count the affairs or the fighting or well, any of the rest of it.

“Well, Alec, what did you want to tell us?” That was his mother.

“There’s something, something that I want you guys to know.”

“Whatever it is, you can tell us, son.” His father chimed in.

“I’m not so sure you’re going to like what I have to say,” Alec said softly. Now that the moment was here, he was petrified. Was he really going to do this? Could he do this?

“Alec, does this have anything to do with a girl?”

Alec could barely suppress a morbid chuckle. If only this had something to do with a girl, then maybe they wouldn’t be having this conversation.

He wiped his palms on his pants.

Breathing in deep, Alec made sure to look both his parents in the eye.

“No, mom, it doesn’t. But, y-you should know, I’m-I’m gay.”

He refused to look away as they absorbed what he’d just said.

His father shook his head, “I don’t believe it. Alec, you’re not – you’re not gay”

The last word was whispered as if it was something shameful. Dirty. Wrong.

“Yes, I am dad”

“Alec, you’re still young, you have time to figure this out. I’m sure once you meet the right girl – “

“That’s not going to happen” He interrupted his mom impatiently, “Don’t you get it? I’m gay. I don’t like girls, I never have”

“What do you mean?” His father asked, confused, “You’ve had girlfriends”

“No, I had friends who were girls. They were never my girlfriends.”

His mother recoiled. “What are you saying, Alec? This, this isn’t right. Who’s been telling you all this?”

“No one’s been telling me anything. This isn’t something I chose, this is who I am.”

His father shot to his feet, angry now. “It is not who you are. I did not raise my son to be gay!”

“You didn’t have to” Alec shot back, “I didn’t choose this and you didn’t make me this way”

“You know what the Bible says –“ his mother started.

“I don’t care what the Bible says!” Alec yelled. His parents looked like he’d slapped them.

“Don’t you dare say that in my house, Alexander.”

His father’s tone was low, the warning in it clear. One that Alec chose to ignore.

“Why not? Do you really believe what it says? Do you believe that I’m going to burn in hell?”

“For acting on your sinful thoughts then yes, you know what’s written”

Alec couldn’t believe this, his own father. No matter how many times he’d prepared himself for this very scenario, nothing could prepare him for the pain that cut into him at his father’s words.

“So you think me, being who I am, I’m going to burn in hell?” Alec couldn’t quite keep his voice from shaking as he repeated his earlier question.

“Not for being gay. For acting on your sinful thoughts”

“So what? I’m just supposed to be alone forever?”

“That’s not what I said”

“Alec please,” His mother interjected, “I know you think that this is you, but it’s not. I’m going to call Father and we can sit down –“

“No,” Alec said firmly. “I can’t pray this away. Don’t you think I’ve tried?!”

“Then try harder!” His father was really angry now, his face turning red and eyebrows furrowed over his eyes that had darkened with rage. “No son of mine is going to be a fag”

It was Alec’s turn to recoil from his father. What a fucking terrible word. And his father had said that, to him.

Tears burned at the corners of his eyes. “Then I guess I’m not your son”

His mother stepped between the two of them.

“Can we just calm down please-“

“No,” His father cut her off, “If this is who he says he is, then he’s right. You’re no son of mine. I won’t have you in my house.”

“Robert,” His mother gasped. “Don’t do this.”

Alec stared at his father in disbelief for a second. Then shook his head. “Fine. I’m leaving”

“Thirty minutes. You have thirty minutes to get whatever you need and get out. Don’t come back here. Don’t try calling any of us. If you walk out that door, there’s no place for you here anymore.”

Distantly, he could hear his mother pleading with his father to change his mind. The sound of her voice was drowned out by the cacophony of the realization that he had just lost everything.

If he left now, he wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to his siblings. Would they even know why he’d left? What would their parents tell them?

He made his way up the stairs to his room and slid the duffle bags he’d packed from underneath the bed. Some instinct had told him it was going to go down this way. Although, ironically, he’d prayed one last time that it wouldn’t.

It seemed like God had never been listening after all.

Chapter Text

The shadow of that painful memory trailed him as he slowly made his way to Neela’s café. Well, it wasn’t called that, but everyone here called it Neela's café. Because you came for the coffee and you kept coming back due to her infectious personality and rakish stories.

Neela was the closest thing he had to a mother these days. She’d taken pity on him sometime in the beginning of his freshman year when he’d gone out campaigning for work. Although his work-study gave him a job in the library, it still wasn’t enough to cover the bills.

Neela had offered him not only enough money to pay his rent, she’d also offered him a safe place when he needed it.

Normally, the thought of seeing her would at least make him feel a little bit better about his shitty day, but not today. Today was ranking in the top ten of shitty days. Not only had his little sister shown back up in his life, but she’d come with the news that his little brother could possibly die of cancer.

One of those things would be enough to make this a shitty day but both of them together made it spectacularly worse.

He couldn’t afford to miss work though. There were no parents to call if he was a couple of days late on his rent or needed money for groceries.

Alec turned his collar up as the wind slipped down the back of his coat, chilling his neck. Thankfully, he could see the glow of the café’s lights now.

A warm breath of air welcomed him in from the cold. Looking around, it didn’t seem like they were too busy. It was later in the day and most of the students who studied here would have gone home hours ago. In their place were moms catching up at the end of a long day and business types hunched over laptops trying to hammer out one final report before quitting time.

He nodded at a couple of regulars he recognized before slipping behind the counter and into the office. As usual, despite the large size of the room, there was a jumble of clutter everywhere. Coats hung up haphazardly beside the doorway and stacks of papers leaned on Neela’s desk. Accompanied by piles of boxes of who knew what pushed against the walls.

Neela was sat behind the desk going over the numbers for the month it looked like. Her reading glasses that she swore she didn’t need perched on the tip of her nose and not one, but two, large calculators to her right and left.

She glanced up when he walked in. “Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in”

“Sorry I’m late” Alec replied, hurriedly hanging up his coat and bag.

“Oh you know I don’t mind. But you better hurry up or Maia’s gonna kill you.”

Alec nodded as he slipped his apron over his head and headed back into the café. Maia was cleaning the espresso machine as he took his place behind the register.

“You’re late,” She said flatly, but it was belied by the grin playing at the corners of her mouth. Maia was probably the only person he had in this town who he could call a friend.

She, like him, was a cast-off. Unwanted by the very people who were supposed to love them the most. Maybe that was what made them such close friends.

“Yeah, sorry, something came up”

“Something?” She asked, as she wrung out her rag and dropped it into the cleaning bucket.

“It’s nothing, promise.”

Maia looked skeptical but didn’t press him. “Okay, well. Since you’re here I’m gonna clock out a little early. Got a paper to write and you know Simmons.”

Alec did know Professor Simmons very well. Extremely passionate about his subject and also extremely passionate about grammatical errors in his students’ papers.

He’d had him for his writing class last spring but Maia as an English lit minor had the misfortune of having him for the past two semesters.

“Yeah, good luck with that.”

She chuckled. “Thanks I’m gonna need it”

Maia started towards the office, then turned to look at him. “We still on for tomorrow night?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Alec said, grinning. Tomorrow was Friday, which usually meant one of two things. Getting ridiculously drunk and wandering up to the overlook above town. Or, one of them would find the most absurd movie they could and they’d still get drunk and laugh themselves into tears.

It was the one day of the week Alec allowed himself to do absolutely nothing outside of school hours.

She grinned back at him and then disappeared into the office.

Alec turned towards the register to see if he had any customers. Seeing no one, he picked up the cleaning bucket, checked the time, and wandered to the kitchen to swap it out for newer water.

He wandered back and took up Maia’s job. Once the espresso machine was clean for the second time, he wiped down all the counters.

Afterward, he cleaned the tables, leaving little else he could do. He could count the till, but that would have to wait until the end of his shift.

There would probably be a few people who came in, but since it was after peak hours, he didn’t expect that they’d be too busy.

He went back into the office and grabbed his bag. Selecting a corner table that had a good vantage point on the door, Alec settled back into the familiar monotony of molecules and formulas.

The thing about advanced chem was it forced his mind to be present. There was no way he could think about anything else while he was trying to concentrate on it.

His shift passed as slow as it usually did. About half an hour before the shop closed, he put away his things and hung his bag up in the office.

Neela had long since given up on her numbers and he could hear her in the kitchen as she hummed to herself. No doubt prepping dough for scones and making muffins for the morning.

The soft scent of vanilla mixed in with cinnamon wafted out. It was comforting, reminding him of late nights crying into Neela’s shoulder on her couch in the apartment she lived in above the store. The warmth of her arms holding him with the love he remembered from his mother what seemed like a lifetime ago.

Alec smiled wistfully at the thought.

Turning towards the door, he locked up and began stacking tables and chairs. Sweeping and mopping the floor took about ten minutes and then he was back at the register counting the till.

Once everything seemed in order, he closed it out and brought the drawer to Neela’s office.

He put his apron on its hook, slid his coat on, and wrote down his time out on the clipboard hanging by the door.

Scooping up his bag, he made his way into the kitchen. Sure enough, Neela was standing at the counter, hands covered in flour.

“Hey, you got a minute?”

“Sure, you wanna head up? There’s leftovers in the fridge. I’ll be up in a few.”

Alec nodded, turning to the door just outside the kitchen that concealed a staircase leading up to Neela’s apartment. 

The wooden floorboards creaked and groaned under his feet, announcing his presence to the rest of the apartment.

The main room had a spacious sectional that took up most of the floor. It was overflowing with throw pillows in varying jewel tones. A blanket that Alec was sure Neela had gotten on her last trip to Mexico lay over the back of it.

Beside the sofa was a comparatively small, light oak dining room table, four matching chairs tucked neatly underneath it.

Photos of Neela’s various travels around the world were hung up tastefully. Interspersed with movie posters of films in languages that Alec couldn’t even try to pronounce on his best days.

He toed his shoes off at the door and left his bag beside them. Padding into the kitchen, he rummaged around in the fridge until he found Alfredo that Neela must have made the night before.

Alec ate dinner at the counter, flipping through his emails absently for lack of anything better to do.

He’d just finished up when he heard the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Whoo, it’s been a long day” Neela sighed as she kicked her shoes off beside his and meandered into the kitchen. “Did you get enough to eat?”

“It was plenty,” Alec said.

“Good, good.” She rummaged in the cabinets for a moment, producing a half-full bottle of Chianti.

Alec watched with bemusement as she filled her wine glass all the way to the top. “It must have been a really long day”

“Eh, it’s not you kids. It’s the fact that Layla just won’t leave me alone”

Layla was Neela’s ex. She was also seemingly unaware that they were no longer together.

Alec snorted. “You know you could just block her. Like everyone else”

“You know she’d find some other way to bug me”

“She needs to find another hobby”

“You’re telling me,” Neela grumbled, as she moved past him to sink into the sofa. Gathering the blanket, she folded it over her lap.

Looking up at him, she gestured with her free hand to the other side of the couch. “Well, don’t be a stranger. Sit, sit.”

Obediently, Alec sat.

“Now, what’s going on?”

Knowing it would do no use trying to beat around the bush, Alec decided to go for the blunt approach.

“Isabelle called me.”

“Say what?!”

Neela sat up completely, “How did she get your number?”

“I don’t know.” He replied honestly.

“Did you answer it?”

“Of course not.”

“Good. But I’m guessing that isn’t the end of it?”

Alec shook his head, “If only. She showed up at my apartment”

“I’m sorry but that sounded like you said she showed up at your apartment”

“That’s because she did.”

“What did she want?”

“She-she said that Jace is sick.”

“Sick?” Neela asked, confused. “Sick how?”

“Cancer” Alec could barely choke the word out. It still didn’t seem real. He wasn’t even sure if it was real.

“Oh honey” She took her hand in his.

“I know. It’s just there was something else.” He paused. “She said that-that I would always have a place, with her.”

Neela gave him a sympathetic look. “I know you miss home Alec, but-”

“I know” Alec repeated. “They-they said they didn’t want anything to do with me. I just can’t help thinking what I would do if Jace actually dies. I never even got to say goodbye.”

“So what are you thinking about doing?”

“I want to see him”

“Alec-“

“I mean, I know it’s not a good idea with my parents – “

“That wasn’t what I was going to say. What I was going to say is do whatever you think is best. But do you think you’re ready for that?”

“’m not sure,” Alec admitted, “But I know I couldn’t live with myself if I don’t at least try to say goodbye.”

“Okay, whatever you want. I’ll support you.” She suddenly threw the blanket off and set her glass on the side table.

She raised one finger up, “Hold on.”

Confused, Alec watched as she walked out of the room and disappeared into the back of the apartment.

Alec could hear her rummaging around for something, muttering to herself.

He waited, unsure just what it could be. Knowing Neela, there were a lot of options on the table.

“Now listen,” She said as she came back into the living room, “I didn’t want to give it to you just yet. It was supposed to be a surprise, but it seems now’s as good a time as any.”

She held out a set of keys, letting them dangle from one finger.

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s yours, Alec.”

“I can’t accept this,” He said. No way could he accept this from her. This was too much.

“You can and you will. I don’t want no arguments. You’ve needed a car for a long time and I’m aiming to give you one.”

“But Neela”

“Nope,” She said, popping the ‘p.’ “I’ve already thought about all the excuses that you could come up with. It will not be a financial strain on me. You know I have plenty to go around. You don’t owe me anything and count this as an early graduation present.”

Speechless, Alec stared up at her.

“Now don’t worry about the registration or insurance,” Neela continued, “I’ve already gotten that all taken care of.”

She snorted, “And you wondered why I made you get your license. Now you either take these things from me or I’ll drop them on you.”

Alec stood and wrapped her in a hug. “Thank you, I don’t know how – i-i-if I can ever repay you.”

“Don’t owe me anything, dear,” She said, squeezing him tightly. “You just promise me that you’re gonna graduate and get that M.D. by your name”

“Yes, of course,” Alec stammered, still in complete disbelief.

“And if you need to go, don’t worry about work. You’re in here near about every day, even more than Maia which I didn’t think was possible. You have plenty of time off saved and you’ll still get paid. I’ll make sure your plants are watered. Just let me know when or if you’re going.”

Alec felt on the verge of tears. “Of course I will”

“Good, now do you want to see it or what?”

Swiping at his eyes and stepping back he nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

Neela led him out the back door to the spiral staircase that wound down to street level.

There, parked behind Neela’s bright pink VW bug was a dark blue compact.

“It’s not the newest thing on the market. But it runs good, I checked it out myself.”

“Neela, it’s fine, more than fine.”

“Don’t mention it, sweetie. Now, why don’t we get back upstairs and you can grab your things and head on home?”

“Okay. Seriously, thank you, Neela this is-this is incredible.”

Neela hummed but didn’t reply.

A few minutes later found him sitting behind the wheel of his very own car. Something he didn’t think he would ever have. He ran his hand reverently over the steering wheel and surveyed the inside.

It felt surreal like he was in some reality TV show. This couldn’t be his real life.

He started the car and carefully maneuvered it out onto the street. It wasn’t his first time driving by himself. Neela often let him borrow her car to run errands for her. But he’d never been further than thirty minutes outside of the town itself.

It felt strange pulling into the designated parking spot for his apartment. The entire time he’d been there it had been empty. Or else when it was warmer outside he’d chain his bicycle to the front post. As many times as he'd dreamed about having his own vehicle, it didn't yet feel real that he actually had one. 

Shaking his head, he turned the car off and pocketed the keys. He should’ve known Neela would pull something like this, no doubt Maia was in on it too.

Those two were always after him to buy nicer things for himself. But he had med school to save up for with what little money he had leftover. There was no room to buy expensive things, let alone a car.

Making his way up the stairs, he unlocked the door to his tiny studio and quickly shut it behind him, blocking out the cold wind that tried to follow him inside.

He stroked a fond hand over the fern he had placed by the front door. It was a rescue from someone on Facebook who swore that the plant was dead.

Tossing his keys on the entryway table, he shucked off his outer layers and shoes and stepped around the small partition that blocked the view of the living room.

Hidden behind another partition in one corner was a double bed that he found for cheap, also conveniently on Facebook. As was most of the rest of the furniture including his couch and dining room table.

Some of the pieces were slightly mix-matched, but it still felt like home. When you added in several pictures of him and Maia and Neela, it even felt lived in at times. Still, sometimes he felt lonely and wished that it wasn’t just him.

He’d been complaining about it to Maia one day and she’d joked that he just needed a plant to cheer him up.

What had started as a joke had quickly become maybe a problem. There were several small, airy plants hanging from hooks on the ceiling and several more lined up along both windowsills. Added to the two on his small, Formica, kitchen countertop and the large fern in the hallway he sometimes felt like he lived in a pseudo-tropical jungle.

The plants were at least good company though. And not nearly as demanding as having a pet.

He contemplated curling up on the couch and watching YouTube but knew he’d regret it if he did. Checking his watch he saw it was just a little past seven, meaning he still had time to get in a run if he wanted to.

Which, he probably needed if only to exhaust his body to the point where he wouldn’t be thinking about everything that’d happened today.

Mind made up, Alec walked around the partition concealing his bed and quickly changed into a thermal and shorts he pulled from the drawers underneath it.

He found a beanie he must’ve tossed on his nightstand yesterday and jammed it on over his headphones.

The air temperature outside had dropped a few more degrees while he’d been inside and he shivered. He thought about going back inside but then again, he was already out here. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Jogging down the steps, he let his feet pick his direction. They took him on his typical route through the tiny greenway that passed for a park. Up around the university and through cookie-cutter two stories that crowded the western side of town.

Then back again until he passed by Neela’s café and several other local businesses that were shuttered for the night. Finally landing at the steps to his apartment once again forty-five minutes later.

Now that he was no longer moving, sweat began to chill on his skin. Alec hurried back up the stairs and out of the cold.

A quick shower and then he was safely ensconced underneath his covers, the radiator hissing lowly in the background. The soothing, familiar sound lulled him to sleep.

The last few days of the semester passed much the same way and he tried not to think about Izzy’s visit again. But it was a persistent, gnawing distraction at the back of his mind.

Finally, on the last day of class, he couldn’t ignore it any longer.

He was supposed to meet Maia later to have a few drinks at a local karaoke bar. Not that he would be singing but it was always amusing to watch other people try. Maybe one of these days, Maia would convince him to join her, but today was not going to be one of them.

 When he got there, she was already sitting in their usual booth. Her signature black choker around her neck and hair curling softly under the dim lamplight. She looked up as he approached.

“Well, one more semester down”

“And three more to go” He responded, sliding into the side opposite her. “How was your exam?”

“Terrible. I don’t know why Simmons can’t just give us normal questions.” She complained.

Alec laughed, “What did he ask this time?”

“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about it. Actually, I never want to think about it again. Because after today, I never have to take another class from him ever.”

“I’ll drink to that.” He turned slightly in his seat and raised his hand to get the attention of Tony, the bartender, and also the owner. They were here often enough that all he did was nod to let them know he’d bring their drinks as soon as he was done with the girls he was serving. Alec couldn’t believe that any one of them was actually old enough to drink, but what did he know? He’d only just turned twenty-one himself.

“So, what about you?” Maia leaned forward on her arms and gave him a teasing grin.

“What about me?”

“Oh come on, Neela told me”

“I knew it!” Alec exclaimed, “I knew you were in on it.”

“I may have had a little something to do with it.” She acknowledged with a slight tilt of her head. “But seriously, are you gonna go anywhere? Come on, it’s winter break you must have somewhere you’ve been wanting to go.”

“Well,” Alec bit his lip nervously and fiddled with the earring in his left ear. “I have something –“

“Here you go,” Tony said as he put down their glasses on the table. “Don’t even think about paying for those. They’re on the house. It’s a new brew we’re trying out. Let me know if you like it.”

“Oh come on, Tony, you’ve got to let us pay for our drinks at least once.” The complaint was only half-hearted.

“Not a chance,” he said, “Listen, talking with you two I’ve made up with Marie and I ain’t never letting her go again. That’s worth more to me than the cost of your drinks”

“Fine,” Maia sighed. “But you can’t stop us from tipping you.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He turned when a server called his name. “Gotta go, duty calls.”

He gave them a two-fingered salute and disappeared into the crowd.

“All we did was give him a little advice,” Alec said.

“Well, it saved his marriage.” Maia pointed out, “I guess he’s still really grateful”

“It wasn’t like we had to do a whole lot. He’s a good guy, he was just…”

“A little lost?”

“Yeah,” Alec nodded.

“Sooo,” she said, leaning back and taking a long pull of her drink. “You had something you wanted to tell me?”

He couldn’t stop his reflexive habit of reaching up to toy with his earring again.

“Isabelle came to see me”

She barked out a sharp laugh, “Wait, Isabelle came to see you? You’re kidding, right? Like your sister Isabelle?”

“The only one I know,” Alec replied dryly.

“What? Why?”

“Apparently, Jace is sick. It’s real bad.”

“Alec,”

“No, it’s okay, Maia. Well, I mean, it’s not okay, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot…” he trailed off.

“And?” She asked expectantly.

“I think-I think I want to see him.” 

Dropping her glass back to the table, she leaned forward again. “Alexander Lightwood you better look me in my eyes when you tell me that. You’re not serious are you?”

“Maia,” he sighed, squirming underneath the intensity of her stare, “I-I-I can’t explain it. Jace, he’s-he’s my brother. I mean, I know I don’t owe them anything but I just-I just want to see him before -”

He gestured helplessly, not quite able to bring himself to finish that thought.

She stared at him a moment longer then sat back. “I’m coming with you.”

“Maia I can’t ask you to do that. What about Jordan?”

“What about him?” Maia arched one single, perfectly shaped brow.

“I mean, I know you two just got back together and- “

“He’ll understand. He knows how important you are to me. I’m not letting you do this alone. And listen, Jordan’s family has some property down there. I’m sure if I talk to him he can convince them to let us stay there.”

Jordan was Maia’s boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend and then he was her boyfriend again. It was a long story. Jordan had been in a bad place when they’d first gotten together. His father had just left and his mother was scrambling to pick up the pieces. The only way he knew how to cope was anger.

He was the one responsible for the scar that Maia kept hidden underneath her choker. Alec had never asked for details, it didn’t seem like something you just asked. He figured if Maia ever felt like telling him the story, she would.

After Maia left her hometown, she’d thought she’d left Jordan behind for good. Until he’d shown back up here of all places. He hadn’t even asked for her forgiveness but he had told her how sorry he was. He admitted that he had a problem and had been in anger management and therapy for a while.

Alec still didn’t trust him completely and no matter what Maia said, he didn’t get the sense that she did either. Some scars healed and others didn’t. Maybe it would work out and maybe it wouldn’t.

But he could see that Jordan loved her if nothing else. Time would tell if it ended up that Maia would ever be able to forgive him completely and love him again. That was nobody’s decision but hers.

“Maia, really, you don’t have to do all that.”

“It’s nothing,” She said dismissively, “I’ll pack my bags and we can be on the road tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” He choked. It seemed so soon.

“Well, yeah. Winter break’s only for a few weeks. I know Neela will let us go and I don’t know about you, but I’d like to be back here for the spring semester.”

Alec knew she was right, it all just felt so sudden. He felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him again. Sure, he’d been turning the idea over in his mind over the last couple of days but it was another thing to actually do something about it.

She squinted at him, “Are you sure you’re gonna be able to do this?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “But I know I have to see Jace. If nothing else, just, you know, to say goodbye.”

“Alec, you know you don’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I want to.”

“Then it’s settled. But tonight, we’re gonna forget all that and we’re gonna drink because we are one step closer to being college graduates!”

He smiled in spite of himself, her tone too infectious not to.

The next morning, Maia was at his apartment, duffle bag slung over one shoulder, backpack over the other, and her suitcase trailing behind her.

“Morning”

“Morning,” he groaned. Unlike her, he always got hungover and the four ibuprofen he’d taken were doing nothing for the pounding in his head.

“Oh don’t be like that, it’s a beautiful day outside” She chirped, grinning when he glared at her.

“For some people maybe.”

“You can sleep in the car. Time waits for no one. Keys”

She held out her hand and Alec dropped them into her palm gratefully.

Popping the trunk, she put her bags in beside his and looped her arm through his elbow.

“Come on, we have to say goodbye to Neela, you know she’ll kill us if we don’t”

“Right.”

Alec let himself be tugged along and up the avenue. Thankfully, Maia took them to the back door to Neela’s apartment instead of having to wade through the café during the morning rush.

She knocked at the door and Alec winced, the sound piercing with the throbbing in his head.

A moment later Neela called for them to let themselves in.

They found her at the dining room table, an array of papers and swatches splayed out before her.

“Thinking of doing some remodeling?” Maia asked.

“I was thinking about it,” Neela replied absently, “Hmm, you know I really just want to liven the place up for the holidays. I’m just not sure what I want to do yet.”

Putting down the paint swatch in her hand, she turned to face them.

“I’m surprised to see you two awake.”

“Trust me, Alec wishes he wasn’t right now”

“I should’ve never let you talk me into that last shot”

Maia grinned, “You should know you can’t out drink me.”

“That doesn’t stop him from trying,” Neela commented dryly. “There’s some ginger ale in the kitchen. I put some other things together too that you all can take on the road with you.”

“How did you know that I’d made up my mind?” Alec asked.

Maia clapped him on the shoulder, “Doesn’t take much to put two and two together. Neela knew you were gonna go the minute you talked with her.”

“I’m not that transparent am I?” Alec directed his question at Neela.

“Alec, sweetie, I love you but you’re about as secretive as the sky is blue. Which is to say, not at all.”

She got up and pulled them both into a quick hug. “Now, you know I’d love to stay and talk with you all day but, daylight’s wasting. And I have to go check on the boys. Call me when you stop for the night and you better call me when you get there.”

“We will.” They promised.

“Good. And you,” She pointed at Maia, “Keep that one out of trouble.”

Maia laughed, “I can try”

Neela nodded, “Be good. Don’t make me have to come down there and get you”

“You two be safe and call me if you need anything.”

After assuring her that they would, they gathered up the small box she’d left for them on the counter and made their way back down to street level.

When they arrived back at the car, Maia plucked the box from Alec and put it in the back.

She ducked into the driver’s seat while Alec slumped gratefully into the passenger seat.

He reclined the chair back and threw an arm over his face to block out the bright sunlight streaming in through the windows.

“I definitely shouldn’t have let you talk me into that last shot.”

“Well, now you can take a nap. I’ll wake you up when it’s your turn to drive.”

“Don’t crash the car,” Alec said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” She replied starting the car and fiddling with the radio until she finally settled on an alternative station. “And my driving is perfectly safe.”

Alec snorted but didn’t respond. Safe, yeah right. If safe counted as driving at least fifteen miles above the posted speed limit and taking turns at the last possible minute. Then sure, Maia’s driving was perfectly safe.

He tried to sleep and managed to fall into a fitful doze. His mind just wouldn’t stop chasing itself in circles.

He wondered what his parents were going to say, his siblings. It seemed so strange, the thought of actually going home. Well, it wasn’t home anymore.

That ship had sunk a long time ago. It was just a house, a place. The only meaning it had to him anymore was faded and worn.

It hurt to think that the place that had once held such importance to him was now the one place that he dreaded most in the world. But it was a phantom pain.

It didn’t hurt as much as it used to, or that’s what he told himself anyway. It was easier than wallowing in it and wishing for could haves and might have beens.

He couldn’t change the past and he didn’t want to. Alec was completely comfortable with himself and the little family he’d made for himself here.

He wasn’t going back to reclaim something. He didn’t need to try to rebuild bridges that had smoldered into ash years ago.

All he wanted was a chance to say goodbye.

Chapter Text

Alec woke up slightly confused as the car slowly coasted to a stop.

“Where are we?” He asked muzzily.

“According to Google, we’re in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania.”

Alec sat up fully and surveyed his surroundings. Non-descript buildings were lined up in a haphazard row along a two-lane blacktop. None of them looked like they’d seen any sign of life in at least a decade.

The gas station where they’d stopped didn’t look like it was faring any better. Two rusting pumps huddled under the meager shelter of a chipped and cracked plastic awning. At least it seemed like they accepted card.

Because there was no way Alec was stepping foot into the convenience store itself. Not only did it look like something straight out of a Stephen King novel, but he suspected that it was not exceptionally welcoming of people like him. His first hint? A sticker on the door that had a pride flag with a big red crossed-out circle over it.

“Uh, can we make it a little bit further?”

“We could,” Maia said, “If, you know, we wanted to end up stranded.”

Alec sighed. “Okay, just, hurry up.”

His unease was growing with every moment, especially the rough-necks who were leaning up against the side of the building and giving them the side-eye. Whether that was because they were strangers or something else, Alec didn’t know and he didn’t really want to find out either.

“You read my mind,” Maia replied, as she got out and hurriedly shut the door to keep as much heat in the car as possible.

The anxious feeling wouldn’t leave him as he waited impatiently for her to finish filling the tank.

Thankfully, it didn’t take very long before Maia was sliding back into the driver’s seat and pulling smoothly back onto the highway.

“You don’t want me to take over?” Alec asked.

She shook her head, “No, it’s only a couple of hours until we get to the hotel. Besides, that means that you get to drive through D.C.”

Alec groaned. “You know I’ve only ever driven in town, right?”

“The best way to learn is trial by fire,” Maia smirked.

Alec sighed, “I just got this car. It would really suck if I wrecked it right now,”

She laughed, “Relax, you’ll be fine. Just breathe and don’t try to be crazy.”

They lapsed into an easy silence. Music filled in the gaps in the quiet as Alec turned to gaze out the window at the passing countryside. Miles and miles of trees, barren in the cold and glistening with half-melted frost. Their leaves and flowers slumbering in the long sleep of winter only to be awakened by the returning spring.

Grass carpeted the highway if it could even be called that, on either side, a dreary brown that was just one of many shades of beige that faded into the pale, robin’s egg blue of the sky.  

It should have been depressing, but it wasn’t. Winter was Alec’s favorite time of the year, if only because the bite in the air meant having more excuses to spend time inside and away from other people. Except for Maia, but hanging out with Maia never really felt like he had to make an effort in the first place.

Eventually, Maia grew bored of the silence and they spent the next few hours playing I-spy and the alphabet game. When that failed to hold their interest, they turned to discussing their upcoming classes for the spring semester and what internships they would be applying for that summer.

They stopped for the night in a Best Western on the Maryland-Virginia state line. The next morning they were up bright and early, despite Alec’s best attempts to sleep in.

Maia had coaxed him out of bed with the promise of coffee and whatever music he wanted to listen to on the radio. Usually, Maia didn’t allow him to take control of the music. Mostly because his taste was eclectic to say the least and rarely settled on one genre for very long, which tended to drive Maia a little bit crazy.

Sometimes he did it on purpose just to annoy her. But most of the time he was fine with her taking control of what they listened to.

He was nervous, though, about driving on the highway by himself. He’d driven on the highway around town a few times, and it hadn’t been terrible. But he was two, basically three states away from upstate New York. It didn’t seem like there was much to compare it to.

“You’ll do fine,” Maia reassured him. “And if you need me to take over, just find the nearest rest stop and pull off.”

“Okay,” Alec said. He fidgeted with the side-view mirrors, then the rear-view mirror, and finally the seat. Once he felt like everything was where he wanted it to be, he pulled up his Spotify and set it to his liked songs.

“All set?” Maia asked.

Alec gave her a tight smile, “I think so.”

She nodded, “And just remember deep breaths, don’t rush and take your time. Don’t pay attention to what anyone else is doing just drive, ‘kay”

“Right,” Alec said, as he put the car in reverse and checked to make sure there were no idiots that decided to time their early-morning walk across the parking lot at the same time as a car was reversing.

He pulled out and onto the highway smoothly. Merging was nerve-wracking, but once he’d made it onto the interstate, it was surprisingly similar to what he’d done before.

He felt like he could relax, at least a little bit anyway. That was until he got closer and closer to DC. The number of cars on the highway gradually increased until it was full-blown bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Thankfully, Maia was able to calm him down enough for his rational mind to take over and realize that he could do this. It was just like driving around town, except with more traffic, angrier drivers, and – wait yeah, it was nothing like driving around his small university town.

He was pretty sure the steering wheel had a good imprint of his fingerprints on it by the time they finally put D.C. in their rearview. Alec grimaced when he saw that they only had a few more hours until they would be in his hometown.

Maia was scrolling through her phone and she must have had a sixth sense because she glanced at him.

“Okay now?”

“Yeah, no, I’m good,” Alec lied.

She raised a skeptical brow, “You know I can see right through you”

“Ugh, I know. It’s just – I – it’s kind of just now sinking in.”

“Hey,” she said, straightening in her seat and turning to face him, “I’m right here. You’re not going into this alone, yeah?”

He nodded.

“No one is gonna make you do anything you’re uncomfortable with. If you need to leave, just say so and we’ll leave, no questions asked.”

The words didn’t necessarily make him feel any better, but he appreciated that Maia was trying.

She studied him for a moment, “I know exactly what you’re thinking, Alec. It’s okay, you know if you’re not feeling sure. This has got to be scary for you.”

Alec snorted, “That’s the understatement of the century. This is like all my worst nightmares come to life.”

Maia made a sympathetic noise but didn’t reply. Alec was grateful because, really, how did anyone even respond to that? And Maia knew him well enough to know by now that he wasn’t looking for sympathy.

“I guess I’ve just been thinking about all of these things all this time. You know, what my mom is gonna say, my dad. I mean, I’m pretty sure they never even told Jace and Izzy why I left. And Max was still too little to remember anything. I bet he doesn’t even know who I am.”

“It’s insane,” Alec continued, “I just – I thought when I left that that was it. But now, here I am and it just seems like this out of body experience. It’s hard for me to believe that I’m even here. I sound like a crazy person don’t I?”

“No, Alec, you don’t” Maia’s tone was patient, but not condescending, “You have every right to feel whatever it is you’re feeling right now. What your parents’ did was terrible. But Alec, you’re not the person you were when you left. Think about how far you’ve come.”

That was probably the first thing Maia had said that made him feel even a little bit better about the whole situation.

“You are putting yourself through school. You’re on track to be going to med school in a little over a year. Alec, you freaking go to protests and carry a rainbow messenger bag around. You have a rainbow heart tattooed on your freaking elbow – “

“Hey, that was a dare!” Alec protested, laughing.

“The point I’m trying to make is you’re not scared anymore. You’re proud of who you are and you know what you want in your life. You’re so much stronger than you were back then. Alec, babe, you are going to be fine. Just, don’t let them change you, all right?”

“I won’t,” he said, sharper than he intended and winced. “Sorry, it’s just, I’m not going to let them change me. They can take me the way that I am or not at all. The only reason I’m even going is to say goodbye to Jace.”

“Well, there you go then. I’m not gonna tell you not to worry, that’s stupid. But just, remember that that isn’t who you are anymore, okay?”

“Okay,” He looked over to where she was gazing at him intently from the passenger seat and smiled. “Thank you.”

“It’s what I’m here for,” Maia said, grinning at him as she relaxed back into the seat. “Now pay attention and drive.”

They spent the rest of the drive talking idly about everything and nothing at all.

To Alec’s surprise, while he was still anxious, his anxiety didn’t actually explode the closer they got.

They passed over the state line miles ago and the first sight of clear blue water made his heart lurch.

When they got over the bridge, it was disconcerting how alien and familiar everything was all at the same time. There was the hospital. Over there was the side street that took you down to the high school. On that other side street was the Catholic school he and his siblings had all attended. He wondered if it looked the way that it used to.

Most everything else did. There were the collection of tourist shops that cluttered the boardwalk. As they drove further on into the main part of the island, the shops faded behind them and the houses were spaced farther apart.

Maybe not as far as in New York, but far for this part of the country at any rate. Until there were wide greenways in between stilted pastel wooden clapboards. His parents lived closer to the middle area of the island. It made him breathe a little easier that there was at least that amount of distance between them. For now.

Google directed him to a mint-green clapboard like the others a few streets up. He pulled into the driveway and looked over at Maia.

“You didn’t say his parents owned a beach house.”

“You didn’t ask,” She said. “Now, come on. It isn’t every day I get to see how the other half lives.”

Alec found himself laughing at her ridiculous attempt at a posh British accent as he followed her up the stairs.

Maia unlocked the door and whistled lowly when they stepped inside. Alec felt like he was stepping back in time when life had been maybe a bit easier and he hadn’t found himself pinching for every possible penny to keep the lights on.

“Wow,” She said, running a hand reverently over the walls painted in a seashell blue. “This place is – “

Maia shook her head, “This place is insane. Who even needs a couch that big?”

Alec had to agree with her. The sectional was easily big enough to take up most of his little studio apartment. An equally ridiculously large flat screen hung on the wall opposite it.

The usual pictures of seashells printed on watercolor paper hung on either side of it. Other paintings of the beach and local eateries decorated the rest of the wall space throughout the living room.

A table big enough to seat six people was centered under what he was pretty sure was a genuine crystal chandelier in the dining room.

Past that, he could see the kitchen, which even though it was galley-style, still had what looked like granite countertops and stainless steel appliances.

In-between the dining room and living room was a shadowed doorway. Alec guessed that the bedrooms were in that direction.

“Yeah, this place is,” he blew out a long breath. “Uh, when you said Jordan’s family had property down here this wasn’t exactly what I thought you meant.”

Maia chuckled, “Yeah, you know me neither. Jordan just gave me the address and told me to make myself at home. He said his parents told him that they just had the cleaners in yesterday so everything should be good to go for us.”

“Cleaners,” Alec said, “Should have been your first clue.”

“I mean, yeah, now that I think about it that should’ve tipped me off. Speaking of, you should probably call Neela. I’m gonna call Jordan. Tell her I said hi.”

“I will.”

Maia went out the front door, leaving Alec alone.

Neela answered on the first ring, “Y’all made it okay? No trouble?”

“No trouble,” Alec promised.

“Good, that’s good. How are you handling things?”

“Uh, not gonna lie, I’ve been better but Maia being here helps. She says hi by the way”

“She can’t say hi to me herself?”

“She’s on the phone with Jordan”

“Ah, gotcha. Well, you tell her to text me.”

“I will,” He promised.

“Good, now you’ve had a long couple of days. Go get some rest.”

Alec repeated that he would.

“All righty, you be good. Keep yourself out of trouble.”

“Right,” Alec laughed.

“You’re laughing, but I’m serious. Be good. And don’t be a stranger.”

“I will – I mean I won’t.”

Neela chuckled and then the phone went dead.

Alec slid it into his pocket and went back out the front door down to where they’d parked the car. Maia was sitting on the bottom step, still on the phone with Jordan and Alec had to carefully step around her.

He popped the trunk and slung his duffle over his shoulder, before reaching for his computer bag. Maia stepped out of the way to let him up.

She mouthed that she’d be off the phone in a few minutes. Alec left the keys with her so that she could get her own things and made his way back up the stairs.

Down the hallway were two shuttered, off-white doors to the left and right, with a third door straight ahead. A quick check showed that that was the bathroom.

He picked the right door at random and pushed it open. It swung wide soundlessly, displaying a bedroom that looked like something out of a magazine. The pale wooden floorboards from out in the main part of the apartment continued into the room and contrasted softly with the eggshell color of the walls.

A double bed was centered and pushed flush against one wall with an alarming number of throw pillows decorating the head of it. On either side of the bed were two nightstands, also in a pale wood.

On top of them were two table lamps, one flanked by a cup of shells, the other by a small alarm clock.

There was also a writing desk, which he was grateful for. Just because they were on break didn’t mean he didn’t still have work he ought to be doing.

The most exciting part of the room, though, was the wide bay window that looked out directly onto the beach.

Outside, the sky was slightly gray in color, which was normal for this time of year, but the nearly pure white sand and sea-green of the ocean breaking into sheets of foam more than made up for that.

The window was also tastefully decorated with a mat and more throw pillows. He couldn’t wait to use that as a reading nook.

Looking around the rest of the room, he noticed that there was a rug beside the bed. It had a pale chevron pattern made up of different shades of cream.

The walls had similar décor to the main living space. All in all, it wouldn’t be a bad place to spend the next couple weeks of his life.

He leaned his duffel bag against the desk and laid his computer bag on top of it. He took his phone out and texted Maia that he was going to go for a walk and that he’d be back in a few minutes.

It had been so long since he’d seen the ocean and even though it was cold, okay it was cool, outside, he wanted to walk on the beach.

He’d noticed earlier a side door in the kitchen and if his bet paid off, it would take him right to the boardwalk.

Thankfully, it did and it wasn’t long before he was barefoot with the breeze in his face and the tang of salt in the air.

There was only one other person, a woman who looked to be jogging with her dog. But she was so far away from him that it didn’t seem to matter.

Alec walked until he felt the coldness of the Atlantic on his bare skin. Maybe he hadn’t missed this place exactly, but he did miss this.

The roaring sigh of the ocean as the waves rose and fell in their endless dance. The low squawking of gulls somewhere up above him and the softness of the sand.

It felt like something that had been ever so slightly out of place had somehow clicked. It was strange how much you could miss something without even realizing it at all.

The condo. The ocean. It brought back so many memories, most of them bittersweet.

If he squinted, he could almost see himself as a child, laughing and chasing his siblings. As a teenager, with the warm glow of a fire reflecting on his skin and shielding him from the chill of a November night after a game. His friends, or at least the people he’d thought were his friends, driving endless roads to nowhere with all the bravado they could muster.

Talking about where they’d been, where they were going, and how they couldn’t wait to get out of here. Go anywhere but here.

There was some irony there if he looked for it hard enough. How he couldn’t wait to get out, but once he’d left, he would give anything to come back again. Anything to be riding shotgun and laughing like an idiot with the rest of them. Arguing about stupid things with Jace at the dinner table and his mother kissing him goodnight. Even when he complained that he was too old for her to do that anymore.

The weight of memory tugged him down and he rested on the sand. It cradled him in its cool embrace, the only thing that seemed like it could be the same as it used to be.

He let his hands trail in the water, breaking up the smooth lines of foam and collecting it on his fingers. It stayed for a moment before being whisked away in the wind.

Alec supposed that there was some metaphor to be found there as well, although he was damned if he knew what it was.

Not for the first time, he questioned what he was even doing here. Sure, there was always something akin to peace being back in the place where you came from. Something comforting, like an old worn out shirt that had long since seen its heyday but you kept wearing it anyway because it knew the shape of you like a lover. Knew how to wrap you in its soft embrace and make you feel okay, even when everything wasn’t.

There was something of that here and he was surprised at how much he missed it. But, then again, even though he’d only been back for a few hours, he was realizing how much he’d outgrown this place.

This wasn’t him, not anymore. The people here didn’t want him. His own family didn’t want him.

Like that shirt, he’d outgrown this town years ago, but he still wanted to try it on just to see if it could make him feel the way that it used to. Safe and wanted. Protected and shielded from the worst things that life had to offer by the embrace of familiar people and good times with friends.

But somehow, on accident, the shirt had gotten tossed in the give-away bin, and just like that, it was gone. Maybe he thought he might be able to find it all this time later, but even if he did, it wouldn’t be the same because he wasn’t the same.

The thought didn’t necessarily make him sad, just made him long for what used to be. But even that was a lie.

Alec mused on the idea that he could look back at that and make it seem like it was better than what it was. Because all the times that he was laughing and sharing those times with his family, he was also hiding. Hiding everything about himself because he knew what it would cost him if he let them see him for who he truly was.

Was it some type of that bravado passed down that made him want to stop hiding? Or had it been that he was just tired of pretending? Tired of living a lie?

If Alec was being honest with himself, he still didn’t really know the answer. But he was getting better at asking himself the right questions. And maybe being okay with the idea that even if he got the question right, there would still be no answer.

With that thought, he shoved himself to his feet and took once last look at the ocean that was graying with an incoming storm. He could see the dark clouds building on the horizon. There was a chance it would disappear as quickly as it came, but he hoped for the rain.

Chapter Text

After Alec came back from the beach, Maia insisted that they needed groceries. Or, as she put it, real food. And no, ramen did not count as real food.

He was on edge the entire time, afraid he’d run into somebody he knew or, even worse, someone in his family. Thankfully, that only happened one time and it turned out they didn’t even recognize him. Alec couldn’t figure out whether that was a bad thing or a good thing.

Dinner that night was uncharacteristically quiet. Maia’s attempts to draw him into conversation falling mostly flat. Alec felt bad about it. He knew she was just trying to distract him from the epic cataclysm that was about to unfold the next day.

But nothing could get rid of the tight ball in his stomach that was equal parts fear and anxiety. He knew logically any leverage his parents might have had over him had disappeared when he’d walked out the door at eighteen. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t still afraid of the idea of reconfirming just how his parents felt about him.

On his better days, he’d allow himself to indulge in the fantasy that he’d be welcomed back with open arms. How his parents had missed him and were wrong. Yeah, like that would ever happen.

On the worst days, he imagined that if he ever came back they wouldn’t even let him in the door. Or worse, would call the cops and he’d have to deal with Sheriff Yates. Who, as far as he could recall, was a fairly nice woman, but he could only imagine how she’d view him now.

He pushed himself away from the table and picked up his plate.

Maia looked up at him in concern, “Alec, you hardly ate anything.”

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry.” That was definitely true. How could he imagine eating when tomorrow might very well be the second-worst day of his life?

“Alec, you have to eat,” Maia said.

“I did eat, see?” Hey, taking two bites of your food did, technically, count as eating.

Maia sighed. “Fine, but you’re eating breakfast. And coffee doesn’t count.”

Alec nodded, moving to scrape the rest of what was on his plate into a Tupperware he found tucked into a cabinet to the right of the sink. The lid snapped on with an audible ‘click.’ He shoved it into the fridge beside the milk.

Laying a hand on Maia’s shoulder, he said “I think I’m gonna head to bed.”

Maia laid her hand on top of his. She wanted to press him but knew it wouldn’t do any good. When Alec was in a mood like this, it was almost impossible to coax him out of it. And who could really blame him?

So, she let him go without a word and sighed. Sometimes, she wished there was more that she could do for him.

The next morning, Alec was able to shove down a bowl of cereal. It sat in his stomach, leaden, and seemed to weigh him down as much as his thoughts.

Keeping Maia’s words in mind, he had made a conscious choice to put his earrings in and refreshed his nail polish. He’d even forgone a beanie, not ashamed that his hair was longer than his mother or father would’ve approved of.

He’d put on his favorite sweater, one that Maia had gotten him last Christmas. It was done up in rainbow colors and had the words “Got Pride?” plastered across the front of it. He’d put on his brightest pants, which, admittedly, were only a lighter washed shade of black than the rest of his jeans and his combat boots.

Too fucking bad if people stared. He wasn’t about to change who he was just cause he happened to be somewhere else.

Maia grinned when she saw what he was wearing. “Wow, I mean, I know I said don’t change you, but that’s quite a statement.”

Alec mustered up a grin, “I think me being here is enough of a statement.”

She laughed and ruffled his hair as she walked past. Evading his efforts at swatting at her and reaching for a mug.

“Did you eat?” She half-turned to ask the question, preoccupied with rummaging around for the tea bags they’d bought yesterday. Maia didn’t drink coffee often, said it made her jittery, which was ironic considering she worked in a coffee shop but Alec had never questioned it.

He’d put the kettle on when he’d come in and she sent a grateful smile his way.

“Yeah, I ate.”

“I did,” he insisted, at the skeptical expression, she threw over her shoulder. “Look in the dishwasher, there is a bowl in there.”

“Cereal,” she said, as she pointed the spoon she’d used to stir her tea at him, “is not technically a meal, but I’ll allow it.”

“You’re going to eat cereal,” he complained.

“I’m eating oatmeal, it’s not the same,” Maia replied. She poured the rest of the hot water into a bowl and added oatmeal and blueberries to it. “This actually has nutrition in it.”

“Cereal is technically a serving of grains,”

“And sugar,” She sat down across from him.

“Sugar is good.” Alec said, “In small doses.”

He amended the statement to avoid being rapped over the knuckles with whatever was in close reach.

Maia shook her head, “I don’t understand how you eat all that crap”

“It gets worked off.”

“Not sure that’s how that works but okay.” Maia snorted. “Anyways, you’re not going to be able to avoid talking to me forever, you know.”

“I’m not trying to.” Suddenly, his empty mug was very interesting.

“Whatever you say, babe.”

Alec shrugged, “There’s nothing to say, really. I mean, I don’t know, I feel like I’m just really nervous.”

He tugged the sleeves of his sweater over his hands. “I haven’t seen my parents in years. I mean, they don’t even know I’m here.”

“Alec, I get it. I haven’t talked to my parents in years. Or Daniel” She made a face at the mention of her brother’s name. “And I’m not going to try to force you to talk. I just don’t want you bottling stuff up.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to.” Now it was Alec’s turn to grimace, “I think I already know where that ends up. I’ve been journaling.”

At the mention of his journal, Maia’s shoulders seemed to visibly relax. Alec knew that she was worried about him but it wasn’t like he’d never given her cause to worry.

Sophomore year was the worst of it and after she’d basically dragged him to campus health he’d made it more of a point to go there on his own, willingly. Starting up a journal had helped to vent all of the things he was scared to say out loud and it had never gotten that bad again.

He wasn’t about to let it, even though the impending visit to his parents loomed over him like some nameless, faceless monster he’d hidden under the covers from as a child. Except, the monster had a name. He knew the monster or at least, he’d known the monster.

The monster wore his face and shared his eyes. It had his smile. There was no hiding from it because, in a way, it was him.

He’d come a long way in trying to parse out the pieces of himself that weren’t solely derivative of his parents but there were days where sometimes he would look in the mirror and all he could see was his mother staring back at him.

The last couple of days had been like that and it was all he could do to not cover them, the way he’d done when he’d first come to college his freshman year. His campus had an LGBT+ dorm and his roommate had given him a sympathetic, understanding nod when they’d seen it. The coverings hadn’t come off until spring of sophomore year.

 “Just, no more seventeens, yeah?”

“Never again,” Alec swore. Seventeens were the name they’d given to the bad days. The days when either one of them wasn’t capable of being alone. It was like a bat signal. He could text her the number and she’d drop everything, same as him. They’d made a pact, together.

In his support groups, he’d always heard about the idea that you could choose your family. But until Maia, he’d never really believed that it was real. Maia was like the sister that he’d lost. Together with Neela, he’d slowly been able to heal the void in his life.

But, it still needed stitches and he was hoping, maybe, that he could finally find the missing thread to close it once and for all.

Maia smiled at him. “Good. Are you sure about this? We can just avoid them. You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to,” Alec insisted. “I just – it’s not exactly that. It’s this weird compulsion, you know? Like I know it’s going to suck but I just want to be able to say that I did it. I guess that doesn’t make any sense.”

“It makes perfect sense,” Maia said. “After I sent that letter freshman year, I told myself I was never going to talk to my parents again. This is your letter. Your way of saying whatever it is you need to say.”

“Right.”

She nodded and pushed herself away from the table. “I’ll be out in a few, okay?”

Alec went to protest but she leveled him with a look that brooked no arguments. “I’m not letting you do this alone. Let me take care of you, all right?”

“Yeah.” He agreed, albeit reluctantly. The idea didn’t sit well with him. It wasn’t easy for him to let other people help him with things.

He scrolled mindlessly through his phone until Maia came back into the kitchen. She wore her signature choker, a leather mini-skirt, and a band tee to some artist he’d never heard of. For once, she wasn’t wearing her leather jacket, it being too hot here for that.

Even though Alec was wearing a sweater, but he was always cold so that didn’t really count.

She took the phone from his hands, ignoring his protests. “Nope, come on.”

Reluctantly, he got to his feet and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Can you drive?”

“Why I thought you’d never ask. M’lady.” She extended a hand outward, signaling for him to go past.

Alec laughed and shook his head as he moved past her and out the front door.

Almost as if on autopilot, he was able to give her the address. He reflected that eating had been a terrible idea. Nausea clawed at the back of his throat and he grasped desperately at Maia’s hand. He forced himself to take shallow breaths as they wended their way closer and closer to his childhood home.

They pulled up to the gate and Alec sat, frozen, for one terrible second as he gazed up at the house that he’d called home for the first eighteen years of his life. It sat behind a neatly kept garden with a wrought iron fence wrapping around the property and a gate with a keypad barring any intruders. He hoped the code still worked after all these years.

“It should be 9518.” He told her. To his amazement, the gates swung inward, allowing them to drive up the perfectly manicured driveway and around the small loop that housed his mother’s and, what he assumed to be, Isabelle’s cars, but he didn’t see his father’s car anywhere.

“This is where you grew up?” Maia asked incredulously.

Alec rubbed a hand along the back of his neck, “Yeah. Welcome to the Hamptons”

“Stop that,” She smacked his arm, “You shouldn’t be ashamed of how you grew up. You can’t control where you were born.”

“Ow,” Alec complained, rubbing his bicep absently, “I just – I don’t want you to think of me any different”

“I oughta smack you again for saying that. You’re still Alec. No matter where you came from.”

Alec found himself smiling, despite himself.

“Yeah, see, I made you laugh,” She grinned, “Now come on. Are you ready?”

He shrugged, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

Ascending the front steps felt like he was walking to his execution. He might as well have been.

With a shaky hand, he knocked on the door using the wrought-iron knocker that, according to his mother, was original to the house.

He shoved his hands in his pockets again and waited impatiently. Distantly, he heard the sounds of footsteps approaching the door, and then it swung open.

His mother stared at him, speechless. “Alec, is that –is that you?”

Alec couldn’t find the words to speak. There were no words that he could say. All of them would pale in comparison to seeing his mom standing in front of him after all this time.

The want to reach out and hold her warred with the part of him that flinched from the last memory he had of her.

“Yeah, it’s me,”

“Oh my God, Izzy!” Maryse turned half into the house to shout for his sister, before turning back to face them. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

Her hands fluttered uncertainly, “Oh, come in, come in,” she gestured impatiently and moved to allow them into the house.

Alec sent a confused glance to Maia who shrugged.

With nothing else better to do, he did as his mom asked and stepped past her into the foyer. Inside, the house was completely different from how he remembered.

Gone were the stuffy portraits of Lightwoods past and the grand piano that had cluttered the entranceway. The walls were no longer the deep red he remembered from his childhood but instead a bright pink.

Even the furniture was different. No, it had nothing to do with the furniture. It had everything to do with how it felt. When Alec came back here, he’d never imagined that it would be like this. It was so light. How strange of a word for a place that had haunted his nightmares for so many years.

A sniffle behind him made him turn. Was his mom, crying?

She swiped hastily at her eyes and gestured to the sofa, “Sit down. I’ll bring, well I don’t know. Make yourselves comfortable.”

With that, she disappeared into the back of the house.

Uncertain, Alec sat, Maia practically glued to him as she did the same.

“Uh, is that normal?” She asked in a hushed voice.

Alec shook his head.

“Your mom doesn’t seem like how I thought she would be.”

“Trust me, I’m not so sure that woman is my mom.”

Maia giggled.

Before she could respond, Maryse had returned with two glasses in either hand. She put them on the coffee table and sat on the opposite couch. “Izzy will be here in a minute. It’s just, I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Actually – “ Alec started.

“I invited him.” Izzy stood framed in the doorway to the living room. She looked the same as he’d seen her the last time, but maybe not quite as done up. In fact, she looked tired with dark circles under her eyes and her hair braided haphazardly over one shoulder.

“Isabelle,”

“I’m sorry, I know what you said I just.”

“Wait,” Alec interjected, “What is going on here?”

Maryse turned to him and knitted her hands together. “I’m sorry, this must all be so confusing. I guess I should start at the beginning. Sit” She said, pointing to an armchair to the left of the sofa Maia and Alec were currently sitting on. Evidently, because Izzy had been trying to slip out unnoticed.

“Oh, Alec, I never even imagined you’d come back here after all the horrible things that I said. I know it doesn’t make up for anything but for whatever it’s worth, I am sorry. I’ve wanted to reach out to you all this time, but I know you probably wouldn’t have wanted to hear from me.”

Alec sat, speechless. Finally, he found his voice, “You mean you don’t hate me?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Izzy flinch but he couldn’t find it in himself to be sorry for what he said.

“I wish I could I say I never hated you, but that’s not quite true. And that makes me wrong, Alec. I should have never said any of those things and I should’ve never let you walk out the door like that. Almost as soon as you left, I wanted to take it all back.”

“So where have you been?” Alec asked, “Where were you when I needed you?! Did you even care?”

To his mother’s credit, she didn’t fall apart in the face of his anger, “You’re right. I should’ve been there. I tried, Alec, in the ways that I could. I know you wouldn’t want me interfering, but oh, what does that matter? I was wrong Alec, and I will regret that every day of my life. You have every right to be angry and every right to never forgive me. I kept praying that maybe, somehow, I’d have the chance to do this all over.”

“Do what all over?! Disowning me? Telling me that I wasn’t your son?!”

“All of that and more.” She lifted her chin. “But know this I did not ask your sister to find you. I don’t even know how she found you.”

That made Alec pause. “Wait, you didn’t send her?”

“No,” Maryse shook her head, “Which means you have some explaining to do.”

Izzy fidgeted under the weight of their mother’s stare, “I know it was wrong.”

“Isabelle, what did you do?”

“I maybe, maybe might have hacked into your computer? And then it’s possible I may have hacked into the college’s website?” She toyed with the ends of her hair.

“You did what? Isabelle that is private –“

“Wait,” Alec interrupted, “Why did you need to hack into her computer?”

Maryse sighed, “I suppose you’ll have to forgive me for something else, Alec. I just – I just wanted to help. I didn’t want it to seem like I was getting in the way.”

“What are you talking about?” Alec was growing more confused by the moment.

“When your school gave you the scholarship, it wasn’t exactly the amount of money they said it was. I wanted to help so I signed a contract with the school to cover the rest of it.”

Alec didn’t know what to say.

“I know, I know, you wanted to do it by yourself and I tried to let you. I just – I couldn’t not help-“

“Stop” Alec held up a hand, “So you knew where I was this entire time?!”

He couldn’t believe this. “And what? You couldn’t pick up the phone? Didn’t even bother sending a damn card?!”

“Alec you have to understand – “

“No, I really, really don’t. I don’t have to do anything. How – how can you just – just sit there and preach at me like what? You expect us to hug and make up? You kicked me out of my home! You lied to me! You lied to Jace and –and Izzy! And what about Max? Did you even tell him why I left?”

Alec was on his feet now, anger making his vision darken around the edges. How dare she? How dare his mother try and act like she somehow cared about him? If she really cared about him she’d have come to visit or even sent him a letter. No matter that he wouldn’t have let her in or even read the damn thing. It would’ve at least shown that she was trying.

He didn’t soften his tone as he saw the hurt look cross his mother’s features.

“You don’t,” he stopped, swiping at his eyes as tears began to pool at the corners, unbidden. “You don’t get to sit there and talk to me like I’m a child. You know what? You don’t get a do-over. And throwing money at your problems doesn’t make them just disappear! I’m your son, not your goddamn bank account! You don’t get to just give me money and then expect me to be grateful.”

Maia reached up to place a soothing hand on his arm but he shook her off.

“I don’t want to hear it. I didn’t even want to be here.” He waved his arms around to indicate the room. It was nowhere near as oppressive as before, but in its own way, it was just as garish. Just as much a testament to all that he’d gained and lost in a matter of moments. “I only came because she – “

He brandished a finger at Izzy. “Put this crazy idea in my head that I could maybe come here and have I don’t know some kind of closure. But you’re just the same, you don’t want to hear what I have to say at all – “

Alec cut himself off, afraid of what words might come out of his mouth next.

Maryse got to her feet, “I know I deserve all of that. But Alec – “

“No, whatever excuses you’re about to give me, I don’t want to hear them. I should’ve known it would go like this. It always just the same. Always about you. Well, what about me?! Never mind, forget it.”

He turned to Maia, “You can stay but I’m out of here.”

Alec ignored the sound of them trying to call him back. He stormed out the front door and let it slam behind him.

He scaled the garden fence just like he’d done when he was younger and dropped down on the other side. He quickly lost himself by blending in with a family that had evidently just come from touring one of the historic homes nearby.

Once he was far enough away, he walked until his feet hit the sand. Of course, he’d wind up back here again.

Bending down, he yanked at the laces on his boots and managed to kick them off, ignoring the bewildered stares of the people around him.

He tied the laces together, tucked his socks into his shoes, and slung them over his neck.

That done, he set off up the beach. Well, this place hadn’t changed too much and the path was there just like he remembered it.

It took him past the tourists and the boarders. Past the retirees with their sun hats and other college students sunbathing on the beach. Around the bend of the island to a more secluded section of the beach that only stretched for a few hundred feet before being swallowed up by the ocean.

He used to come here as a child to play in the tide pools, but that wasn’t why he was here today. He marched past them and found a bare patch of sand to drop his shoes on.

Stripping his sweater over his head, he tossed it beside them and impatiently shoved off his jeans before wading into the coldness of the Atlantic.

The water swirled around his waist, eddying and shaping itself around his body. Almost as if he’d become a part of it. Alec submerged himself and coughed at the sharp bite of brine on his tongue.

Cursing, he fell backwards, letting himself float – weightless. It helped to silence the thoughts still cascading and crashing together like raging titans in his mind.

He didn’t want to think about any of that, not at all. Anger made him feel not himself, so out of control.

Like this, it seemed like he could ground himself and not let himself be swept away by his emotions. No matter that that’s what he wanted to do, but he knew that it never led anywhere good.

So, he just floated, and let the sounds of the waves lull him into a half-dream like state. He wasn’t asleep because, duh, he wasn’t stupid. No one fell asleep in the ocean.

But drifting like this was almost like meditation. He could’ve stayed in here forever except.

“Hey! Are you okay?”

A man’s voice startled him. He lost his balance and went under, spluttering as he inhaled a lungful of saltwater.

A strong arm around his waist and he was being pulled up to the surface. Still coughing, Alec pushed his wet hair out of his eyes and pushed at the grip keeping him pressed up against the other person.

“I’m fine,” He managed, finally getting himself under control.

But the person wouldn’t let go. “Well, if you call drowning fine, then sure, you look perfectly all right to me.”

The tone was mocking but the voice was – almost musical. Alec quit struggling long enough to take a look at his so-called rescuer.

He was tall, about as tall as Alec. Gorgeous cat eyes turned up at the corners over a lush mouth, and dark hair falling wet over his forehead.

He felt himself turning red and tried to will down his body’s reaction. “I wasn’t drowning.”

“So being half-submerged in water and floating is not drowning?” The stranger’s eyes glinted with ill-concealed amusement.

“It’s called drifting,” Alec retorted, as he was reluctantly dragged back to the beach and deposited onto a towel. Which, where did that even come from?

“Ah, drifting.” The man laughed, “Must be all the rage with cute college boys.”

He winked at Alec and this time, Alec wasn’t quite able to suppress the blush that suffused his cheeks.

Alec didn’t know how to respond to the stranger’s casual flirting. It wasn’t like he usually got this sort of attention. He bit his lip and stared at his hands.

The stranger didn’t seem to take offense at his lack of response. He squatted down in front of Alec and held up two fingers. “How many fingers do you see?”

Alec couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “There’s two. I’m not concussed.”

“Just had to make sure,” The man threw himself onto the towel beside Alec. “You know, I’ve never seen you around here before.”

“Is that you’re way of saying do you come here often?” Alec asked, risking another glance at the handsome stranger.

“Is it working?” Came the casual reply.

“A bit,” Alec replied, honestly.

“Hmm, a bit, guess I need to work on my people skills. I’m Magnus by the way.”

“Alec.” He couldn’t help but think that that was an unusual name. Which seemed fitting because the man seemed more than a bit…unusual.

“Alec? Is that short for something?” Magnus wrung his hair out and leaned back on his hands, looking at Alec out of the corner of his eye.

“Uh, yeah. But, I kind of hate my given name.”

“Me too.” Magnus replied easily, “That’s why I decided to change it.”

Alec found himself laughing again. It was surprising how easily this stranger was making him laugh. He usually didn’t warm up to people this quickly but there was something about him.

“So,” Magnus drawled, “Why were you not drowning?”

“I kind of had a fight with my mom,” Alec muttered. He still didn’t feel like talking about it, but again, something about Magnus had him blurting the words out before he could decide if he actually wanted to.

“How does one kind of have a fight? Never mind forget I said that. I’ve been told I need to work on my manners. So, pretty boy, what was the fight with your mom about?”

Alec found himself blushing again at being called pretty. No one, literally no one, had ever called him pretty before.

“It’s kind of a long story.”

“Well,” Magnus said, “It’s not every day that I meet an attractive stranger on the beach. I’m sure I could find the time to listen.”

Alec turned to look at him, but he was now staring out into the ocean, as if completely oblivious to what he’d just said. “Okay, well, it started about three years ago.”

Magnus made a noise in the back of his throat but otherwise didn’t respond.

Alec found himself dropping his gaze to his fingers that were now interlaced over his bent knees. “I um, I came out to my family then. They uh – they didn’t take it well. I guess that’s kind of an understatement. My parents they – they kicked me out”

“Nice parents.”

“Yeah. Well, long story short. I moved away for college, like far, far away and I got on with my life the best that I could. Then, out of nowhere, my sister showed up. Turns out my little brother is sick and so, like an idiot I came back.”

When Magnus didn’t say anything, Alec continued, “I thought – I don’t know what I thought. But it turns out my mom has known where I’ve been this entire time. And she can help pay for my college, but she can’t bother to call me or – or anything! And then she just had this prepared speech like what, I’m supposed to be grateful she’s just throwing money at me?”

Alec faltered.

Magnus turned so that he was facing Alec, sitting cross-legged and letting his hands settle loosely into his lap. “So, you’re mad that your mom is paying for your college? Cause, trust me, that isn’t something I would be mad about.”

“No,” Alec shook his head, “That’s not the part I’m mad about. Well, I’m kind of mad but only because she didn’t tell me. I guess I’m more upset about the fact that she didn’t call.”

Magnus shrugged. “People do strange things. I think maybe your mom felt guilty or maybe that she didn’t think you wanted to hear from her. Not saying that’s an excuse.”

“When I left, my dad told me I wasn’t even his son,” Alec said softly.

“Did your mom say that?” Magnus asked gently.

“No, actually she was fighting my dad. But she still let him kick me out.” He toyed with a stray thread on his boxers.

“Seems like your mom made a choice and it was, admittedly, a really bad one. It seems like she at least wants to try to make amends. But what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Do you want to make amends with her?”

Alec frowned. “I don’t really know.”

“Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but I will say. I would give anything to be able to talk to my mom one more time, the way she used to be.”

Alec wanted to ask more but felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate considering they’d just met. It didn’t seem like something you just asked.

It did make him pause. Did he actually want to be angry with his mom? Did he deserve to be angry at his mom? There was no doubt that he did. But he had to wonder if it was doing him any good to hold onto these feelings.

“You don’t have to know right now,” Magnus continued, “Just give it some thought. But I bet whoever you came here with is looking for you. I don’t suppose that you usually go swimming in your underwear.”

Alec flushed and cleared his throat. “Usually no.”

Magnus laughed, “Usually? I’ll keep that in mind.”

Ignoring him, Alec tugged on his sweater and jeans, ignoring the fact that his underwear was still slightly damp.

“Nice sweater,” Magnus commented, as he also got to his feet.

“My best friend got it for me.”

“I like this friend.”

“Well, she just might kill me when she finds me again.”

Magnus chuckled. “Well, then I guess you better hurry, pretty boy. I’ll walk with you”

Alec started to protest but Magnus was already collecting his things, slinging his towel over his shoulder and grabbing a pair of flip-flops that Alec hadn’t noticed before.

He turned and cocked an eyebrow at Alec expectantly. “Shall we?”

Seeing that there was no use in protesting, Alec nodded.

They set off back up the beach.

Magnus glanced at him, “So, what are you studying.”

“Uh, pre-med actually. Well, I’m a double major. Biology. I uh, also study Latin.”

Magnus whistled, “Cute and smart.”

Alec found himself flushing again and didn’t know how to respond.

Thankfully, Magnus didn’t seem to need his input all that much. “So you want to be a doctor or what?”

“That’s kind of the plan,” Alec said, shrugging slightly, “I’m not sure what specialty yet, but I feel like I have time to figure that out. But what about you?”

“What about me?”

“What do uh, what do you do for work?” Alec risked looking at Magnus out of the corner of his eye and immediately regretted it. The man was studying him with an intensity that made him feel uncomfortably nervous. No one ever looked at him the way that Magnus was right now. Like he was an interesting problem or puzzle that he couldn’t quite figure out, but was hellbent on trying to.

“Well, since you’re asking. I’m a scientist, well marine biologist more specifically.”

“Really, that’s cool. That’s what my friend wants to do.”

“Coincidences upon coincidences.” Magnus chuckled.

Alec found himself grinning in response. “Yeah –“

Whatever he was about to say was cut abruptly short by a loud shout of his name from up the beach. He looked up and realized that they were almost back to the boardwalk. There, standing at the edge of the pier, was Maia, and she looked pissed.

“Oh no.” Alec groaned, “She’s definitely going to kill me.”

“Is that the friend you were telling me about?”

“One and the same. Can we just turn around and pretend like we never saw her?”

Magnus laughed. “If only. From experience, I can tell you it’s better to face her now than later if you run away again.”

Alec sighed, knowing he was right. “But she’s so scary when she’s mad.”

“It’ll be okay. I’m sure she’s more worried than angry.”

By now, they were basically at the edge of the pier, and hell itself couldn’t have stopped Maia from marching down the ramp and meeting them at the end.

“Where have you been? I – we have been worried sick about you Alec! What happened to talking about your problems and not running away?”

Alec winced. “I’m sorry, I know –“

“No, you listen to me! I didn’t know where you were. I have spent the last hour wandering up and down this beach looking for you. Your sister said you’d be here but when I couldn’t find you –“

She cut herself off.

Alec felt terrible. “I didn’t mean to make you worry. I was just mad. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Damn straight you weren’t.” She cuffed him over the back of the head. “Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

Then he was being pulled into a fierce hug as she cupped his face in her hands, turning it this way and that. He pulled away, disgruntled, and heard Magnus laugh.

Maia startled at the sound and looked up, noticing Magnus for the first time. She grinned, “Well, well, well, Alec” she elongated the last syllable of his name teasingly, “Who is this?”

The way she could go from being angry to flirty in no time was terrifying. Alec shook his head.

Magnus bowed theatrically, “Magnus Bane, at your service. Pleased to meet you.”

Maia giggled, “Same here. I hope Alec didn’t give you any trouble.”

“No trouble at all,” He looked over at Alec and made no mistake of raking his eyes over him, “In fact, I would say he was downright pleasant.”

Alec found himself reddening at the leer Magnus sent his way.

Maia glanced between them with a calculating expression that was, for lack of a better word, unnerving. “Hmm. Well, glad to hear it. I suppose we’ll let you get back to your day then.”

Magnus inclined his head, then turned to Alec, “One last thing. Your phone, please.”

“My phone?” Alec asked, confused. But Maia was already reaching into her pocket. She unlocked it and handed it off to Magnus.

A moment later, Magnus was putting it into his palm and curling his fingers over it. “I prefer texting, but you can call me anytime pretty boy. Adieu, mademoiselle.”

With that, Magnus turned to head up the ramp to the boardwalk. When he got to the top of it, he raised a hand in a jaunty wave.

Alec stared after him, not entirely sure what just happened.

Maia nudged his shoulder, “So what was that all about?”

Tearing his gaze away from Magnus’ disappearing form, Alec asked. “What was what all about?”

“Oh come on, he was cute. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice.”

Blushing, Alec ducked his head, “Of course I noticed.”

“And he was really into you, pretty boy,” She teased, grinning.

Alec spluttered, but couldn’t quite come up with a coherent response.

Nudging his shoulder again, Maia laughed, “Hey, I think you should go for it. He gave you his number.”

The thought made Alec feel vaguely nauseous. He’d never gotten anyone’s number before. Actually, he’d never even been on a date before.

He said as much to Maia who shrugged.

“There’s a first time for everything.” And no way was that not meant to be a double entendre.

“Maybe I will,” he blustered.

“Good. Now,” Maia said, “We’re going to at least go see your sister so that she knows you’re alive. It’s okay, you don’t really have to talk to her, she was just really worried about you.”

“I think I want to,” Alec said, surprised at himself. “I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to my mom just yet, but uh, I want to talk to Izzy.”

Maia gave him a searching look, then nodded. “Okay, whatever you want. But no more running away.”

She held up her hand and Alec locked his pinky with hers. “Promise.”

Chapter Text

I think you and your sister should talk. Alec frowned. Maia’s words from only a few hours earlier were coming back to haunt him as he waited impatiently for his sister.

A week ago, he never thought he’d be here, waiting to have a heart-to-heart with his estranged sister. Much less, that he’d be back in his hometown.

Yet, here he was, sitting in a teashop. Which, when they’d gotten a teashop here he didn’t have a clue but this is where Izzy had asked they meet.

He couldn’t help the nervous bouncing of his leg as the minutes ticked closer to the hour.

Checking his phone again, he saw it was about five minutes until three but it felt like an eternity. He couldn’t imagine what Izzy had thought when he’d left, much less what she would think of him now.

…with me, there will always be a place for you. Alec wondered how much she’d meant those words and if she still meant them. It was a nice sentiment, but as far as he knew, Izzy was just as devout as their parents and probably didn’t approve of the whole gay thing.

You never could tell how time could change people, though.

He knew the moment Izzy walked in because the din of the shop hushed just slightly. His sister had a knack for attracting attention, even without her fashion choices. He saw that today she was wearing knee-high stockings with heeled oxfords, a burgundy mini-skirt, and a shirt in some type of transparent fabric that moved when she walked.

Their eyes met above the bent heads of the other patrons hunched over their cups and Izzy gave him a tentative smile. He wanted to return it, but some part of him wanted to keep his emotions close, protected.

She dropped her bag beside the chair opposite him and slid into it. “You came.”

He nodded, not entirely sure what to say. 

“I-I wasn’t sure you would after…” She faltered.

“To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m doing here either.”

Izzy studied him for a moment. “I know you’re mad and you have every right to be.”

She fiddled with a ring on her left middle finger, “I just – I guess I was being selfish.”

Alec shook his head. “What do you mean?”

“After you left, or, I should say, after mom and dad kicked you out, Jace and I we really didn’t know what was going on. It was so confusing and I – we couldn’t believe that you’d left by choice, even then. It just didn’t seem like you to go without saying goodbye.”

"I guess I always wondered why, you know? Then, mom and dad were fighting even more, especially with you gone. It was like they just gave up on each other?”

She lifted one shoulder and let it drop, “Somehow in the midst of all of that, the secret came out. Mom and dad were arguing again and then out of nowhere, mom just let it slip. I could tell that none of us were ever meant to know.”

“Max didn’t know what was going on, thankfully, but Jace and I were so mad. All this time we’d been told that you’d abandoned us and in the end, it was our parents who’d abandoned you.”

Alec felt his heart twist at the obvious distress playing across his sister’s features. Not for the first time, he wondered how their parents could be so cruel. To lie to his siblings like this. Tell them that he’d abandoned them for what? Why would he ever do that?

They’d taken away so many years from them.

“Izzy, I didn’t know,” Alec said softly. All his anger at her had dissipated it seemed. He realized that it was never really her that he was angry with. Okay, maybe he’d been a little bit angry, but finding out she’d been duped just like him had quickly made those feelings diminish in their intensity. Now, all he felt was regret and sadness at the wasted time.

“Yeah well, that makes two of us.” She cleared her throat and made a face. “That guy’s giving us the evil eye, we should probably order something?”

He nodded, “Yeah, okay.”

“Come on,” Izzy inclined her head, “Let’s take it to go. That is if you don’t mind walking?”

He shrugged, “That’s fine with me.”

Alec watched as his once shy sister walked up to the counter, not even letting him pull out his wallet, and ordered their drinks. Maybe time really did change people.

They left the café behind and wandered down the street to the boardwalk. It stretched most of the length of town and was part of what drew people to the island.

There were couples and families still strolling leisurely, soaking up the heat from the sun. He had to admit, the weather here was much nicer than New York. If he was there now, no doubt he’d be buried under several inches of snow.

Izzy waited to speak until they’d put some distance between themselves and the other people.

“I guess at first, I was mad at you. You were – are my big brother. I remember how much you were there for me through everything.”

Alec shoved his hands into his pockets, feeling slightly awkward but not sure what to say. As he was deciding whether or not he should respond, Izzy continued talking.

“You were always there. You were the one who taught me how to read, how to tie my shoes, how to ride a bike. You always listened even when you had other things to do. I guess I didn’t realize how much I’d miss you until suddenly you were gone.”

“I mean, I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying it was hard. Jace tried but he couldn’t be you.” She finished softly.

“Izzy, I wanted to be there. You have no idea how much. I used to write you guys letters, send cards on your birthday, but they'd always be sent back. I never stopped wanting to see you though. It never did stop hurting when I’d send them and they’d always come back unopened.”

She inhaled sharply, “Oh, Alec. That’s –“

He shook his head, “It’s in the past, Iz. Can’t change it so…” Alec shrugged. “Anyway, I guess you must have a million questions for me.”

“Yes and no. Like, I want to know what you’ve been up to. What your life is like now. But really, I just want my big brother back.”

Alec smiled wistfully, “I’m not the person you used to know. To tell you the truth, I thought I’d given up on the idea of family a long time ago.”

“What made you change your mind?”

He wondered how much to reveal to her. Could he trust what she was saying? He weighed the options in his mind and settled for the most neutral one.

“Time. Met a couple of good people.”

“Like Maia?”

Sometimes he forgot just how smart she was. She could see right through his, admittedly feeble, deflection. 

He nodded. “Yeah, like Maia.”

“She seems like a good friend.”

Friend was much too shallow a word to describe what Maia meant to him.

“She is.”

Izzy cleared her throat and stopped to lean on the railing. Alec slowed his steps until he, too, stopped, just a few paces ahead of her.

She looked out where the sunlight was sparking off the water for a moment and then dropped her gaze to her cup cradled between her hands.

“I just, I have so many questions and all these emotions inside me.”

Alec could tell this was going to take a minute so he slid down until he was seated against the railing. He crossed his legs and set his cup in his lap. Leaning his head back, he waited for her to speak.

He was surprised when Izzy settled down beside him, folding her legs and allowing the tops of their knees to brush.

A long, interminable moment settled between them, filled with the subtle sigh of the breeze and the distant murmur of cars and people passing by.

Izzy traced the logo of the teashop on the top of her cup as she began to speak.

“I guess I should start at the beginning. That day, when you left, it was just a normal day. I was at the college. I think for a coding class. I remember wondering why mom was so late picking me up. She didn’t say anything when she got there. It was so weird, the whole drive home there was this silence. I can’t explain it other than mom just looked so sad.”

Alec closed his eyes and let her words wash over him. He imagined his mother regretting her decision but found that he couldn’t quite overlay that thought with reality.

Izzy took a deep breath and a long drink before she spoke again. “When we got home, the house was quiet, eerie almost. Mom told me to go straight to my room and she’d talk to me when Jace got home. I think he was at karate practice, no, he must’ve been doing tae-kwon-do then, I don’t remember.

I guess it doesn’t matter. It felt like I was waiting forever before Jace got home. It wasn’t long after that that mom and dad came upstairs. They said that you guys had had a fight, you got mad and left. I couldn’t believe it. I thought they were lying.

I remember thinking that you’d come home. I waited all night looking out the window, hoping that you’d come back but – you never did.”

She took another drink. “After that, it was like your name was forbidden in the house. Mom took down all your pictures off the walls. I could hear her sometimes, you know. Crying. She didn’t think that I could hear her but sometimes if I came home when she wasn’t expecting me to I’d find her in your room. I never told her I knew that she did that.

Then, mom and dad started fighting a lot. I guess I know why now. But back then, I just remember thinking how awful it was. Jace and I would bring Max into my room and let him listen to whatever he wanted to as long as he didn’t try to go downstairs. I still think he heard some of it, but, we did what we could.”

Izzy shrugged helplessly. Alec wanted to comfort her but knew that she had to talk. He knew exactly what that was like. Sometimes the words wouldn’t come. But sometimes they poured out of you in a torrent so strong it threatened to take you under.

“Anyway, I guess I don’t have to tell you that the divorce wasn’t pretty. Dad was having an affair again so mom kicked him out. To tell you the truth, I haven’t seen him in months.”

Alec absorbed this information but didn’t quite know what to do with it. It didn’t surprise him necessarily but it made his heart ache for his siblings.

Drawing her knees to her chest, Izzy spoke to the space between them. “It seemed like everything was going from bad to worse. Once dad left, mom tried to pretend that everything was okay. She did her best but…”

She trailed off, lost in thought. “Then, Jace started acting really weird. Sleeping through class. Kept complaining that his neck hurt. He’d get weird bruises in places that he didn’t before. Behind his knees, things like that. Mom finally took him to the doctor and well, congratulations, he had cancer. It felt like everything was so out of control.

First you, then dad, then Jace. I felt like I was losing everything. I thought – I thought that maybe if I found you I could try to make sense out of everything, but it seems like I just caused more problems than I solved.”

“Izzy – “ he started.

“No, I mean I know it was stupid. I should’ve just left well enough alone. But I just couldn’t. I still don’t understand. I thought, maybe – if you came back maybe things would be the way they used to – “

She began to shake and some protective instinct had him reaching out to pull her into his arms. He reflected, as he tucked her head under his chin, that although they had grown, maybe time couldn’t change everything.

It made him think back to when life was simpler. When the biggest thing he had to worry about was not letting their mom know that Jace had pushed Izzy down and made her scrape her knee. A time when he’d pull her into his arms much like this and let her cry out all her pain.

It wasn’t much but maybe it could be a start. Wet warmth soaked into the fabric of his sweater as he stroked her hair.

He began humming and realized, as he was almost through the first verse; it was the song their mother had sung to them as children. An old French lullaby he couldn’t remember the name of if he tried but the melody was still there.

It recalled images of being small, his mother’s hand warm and soothing on his back as she chased away the imaginary monsters in the darkness.

As he came to the end of the song, he realized that Izzy had stopped crying.

“I haven’t heard that song in so long.” Her voice was muffled by his sweater, “Thank you”

His instinct was to draw away. After all, it was what he was good at. If he built up the walls high enough then no one could scale them and get past his defenses.

But he considered, not for the first time, whether that was actually more of a hindrance or a help. Unbidden, now it was Magnus’ words that were rising up like the spirits of the damned to hound his thoughts. Once again, he wondered whether holding onto those feelings was worth it.

He pushed down the part of him that told him to pull away. It was a trick. She was just trying to use him.

It took more strength than he would admit to speak. “Izzy, none of that was your fault, okay? You didn’t make dad be shitty any more than you made him kick me out of the house.”

He was struck with the realization of how young Izzy was. It was not exactly naiveté, but a youthful idea that perhaps it would just take one thing to put all the broken pieces back together again.

Alec couldn’t recall if he had ever had a moment, a true moment, where he was allowed to be this way. Sadness welled up inside of him at the realization that some last remaining part of childhood belief had been swept out from under Izzy’s feet.

She was much too old for placations. Much too old to fall for the old hat that everything would somehow be okay.

Alec was a lot of things, but a liar was not one of them. “I know you’re too smart to believe me if I tell you things will work out. I can’t promise you that. I can’t even say that I’m not still angry you came and found me in New York.”

He sighed, “But, I’m starting to realize maybe I was never really angry with you. I had all of these ideas in my head. For me, maybe it was easier to just believe that you all didn’t want me. It hurt, but it hurt less than imagining that one of you was out there waiting for me to come back and I never could.

I thought that I had moved on. I thought that I was over all of this. Now I’m thinking that was just something I told myself so that I could sleep at night. I realize now that there’s still a lot of things I’m not okay with and to tell you the truth, one of them is how I left things with you and Jace and Max.

I know it wasn’t something I could control, logically anyway. But there’s still some part of me that tells me I should’ve tried harder. I always wondered if I would ever have the chance to come back and say goodbye, the right way.

If I’m being honest, Izzy, I came here with every intention of saying goodbye and never seeing any of you again. But, this – you make me realize that maybe I can’t do that. I don’t know where things sit with mom. I’m still really pissed off and I’m not sure if I’ll ever manage to not be angry about that. I think – I think that I’d like to try and get to know you again. I mean, I don’t know if you want –“

“Yes,” Izzy interrupted him, sitting up and wiping at her eyes. She drew her hair over one shoulder and toyed with the ends before looking up at him. Her eyes were slightly reddened from crying, lashes clumping together with unshed tears. “Alec, I want to make things right with you, if nothing else. I wasn’t lying when I said there will always be a place for you with me. I’m not mom, Alec, and I’m not dad.

I used to be so brainwashed. I believed all of that crap, but not anymore. If God is going to tell me that I need to hate my own brother, I can’t do that. No, I won’t do that. I don’t care if mom and dad aren’t happy about it.”

She smiled tentatively at him and this time there was no hesitation as he smiled back at her.

They sat for a while, catching up mostly. But the sun was setting and maybe it was some remnant of big brother instinct that made him not want Izzy to drive home in the dark. He said as much and they collected their cups.

He walked with her to where she’d left her car by the teashop and declined her offer to give him a ride. It was only a few blocks up and he needed the space to think.

By the time he got back, he felt slightly more settled about some things anyway. He at least knew that he wanted to get to know his sister again. Not having Izzy, really any of his siblings, had been one of the hardest parts.

Knowing that he had the chance to reconnect was soothing some of that old hurt.

Although he still had no idea what to do about his mom. Did he love her? Without question. She was his mother. But, he also couldn’t bring himself to forgive her, nor to let go of his anger. He wasn’t even sure that he wanted to.

All the harm she’d done, either intentionally or unintentionally, would be hard to reconcile with and it was a task too big to tackle given everything else that had happened.

He pushed the thought to the back of his mind and started when his phone pinged. It wasn’t Maia. He’d told her he would be out for at least a few hours and he was back earlier than he thought he’d be. It wasn’t Neela either. He’d already texted her earlier to give her a rundown. It had taken a lot of persuading to convince her not to drive down and take care of things herself.

He opened it and saw he had a text from Izzy.

I just wanted to let you know I talked with Jace. He wants to see you.

Right. The reason he’d even come here in the first place. He thought about seeing Jace again and his heart ached at the thought. Would he hate him?

Well, Izzy didn’t seem to hate him and Jace had asked to see him. Maybe it was better to rip it off like a Band-Aid.

Before he could change his mind, he typed back a quick reply.

When?

It was a moment before she responded. Visitor hours start at 8 but he’s usually pretty tired. 11?

That’s fine.

She sent back a heart emoji. He stared at it for a moment before locking his phone and shoving it into his pocket.

Realizing he’d been standing on the sidewalk like an idiot, he made his way back up to the condo.

Maia was curled up on the couch. He could just see the top of her head, Grey’s Anatomy playing softly on the T.V.

She sat up at the sound of the front door closing, “How did it go?”

He kicked off his shoes and sank into the couch beside her. “Okay, I think?”

“Why the question mark?”

“I don’t know. This all seems so surreal.”

Maia paused the show and turned to face him fully, “In what way?”

“Just that I kept telling myself that my family wanted nothing to do with me. I thought for sure that my parents had somehow made my siblings hate me because well, I mean you get it. Now, I find out they didn’t and that our parents were lying to them too. Which, freaking sucks cause it feels like there’s all this time that we could have had that’s just gone.”

Maia placed a soothing hand on his knee. “I mean, obviously that does suck, and you definitely can’t get that time back. I think it’s good though, that you have a chance to reconnect with Izzy.”

“No, you’re absolutely right. It’s a lot to wrap my head around, you know? I feel like I have emotional whiplash. One minute I thought one thing and now that’s been turned completely upside down in so many ways. I just know that I’m not really angry at them – my siblings I mean, not anymore. Our parents fucked this up for all of us. It’s not really their fault that our parents are dicks.”

Maia laughed, “Well that’s one way to look at it.”

“I feel like that’s the only way. Unless, you know, they completely back our parents’ decision. Though after talking with Izzy I don’t think so. Sounds like they didn’t even know why I left. I get the feeling that they only found out the truth recently.”

“That’s shitty.”

“You’re telling me. But, Izzy, the way she talked. It sounds like she’s thought about this a lot and she’s made up her mind. She said that she wants us to get to know each other again. I think she actually might have meant what she said.”

“I get that feeling, too,” Maia said. “All of this is such a mess. Your parents couldn’t just let your siblings decide for themselves. They made the decision to cut you out of their lives, which is so fucked up. Even if your parents didn’t approve of you being gay, they shouldn’t have just made that decision for them and now all of you have to deal with the fallout.”

Alec sighed, “Exactly. Izzy didn’t even know that I sent them cards or letters or anything. If my mom was really sorry, why the hell would she keep that away from them?”

“Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.”

“Either way, whatever I feel about my mom or my dad, I don’t think I should punish my siblings. Like you said, they deserve to make that decision for themselves.”

“Well, I’m happy that you talked with Izzy. What about Jace?”

“I’m going to see him tomorrow.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“Thanks, but I think this is something I should probably do on my own. I think we have a lot to talk about.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. You can have the whole place to yourself and go find weird starfish or whatever.”

“I study more than just starfish, Alec.”  

“Then you should check out the tide pools. I think there’s even a marine science museum.”

“I’ll Google it.” She gave him a searching look. “Are you sure you’re good?”

“Yes and no. A lot’s happened and I’m gonna need time to sort through all of it. But right now I actually feel pretty all right.”

“Okay. But if you ever decide to take off again I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Alec groaned, “I already told you I was sorry! I just got so mad.”

“I get that, I do. I was just so worried because you were so upset. Then, I couldn’t find you.”

“I know I shouldn’t have taken off like that.” Alec said, “Or I should’ve at least told you where I was going.”

“Remember that if God forbid, there’s ever a next time. Although I mean, it wasn’t a total fail right?” She nudged his arm. “You met Magnus.”

Alec felt his cheeks heat at her suggestive tone. “More like he met me.”

“Whatever way you want to spin it, he was cute. You should totally text him.”

“I can’t do that!”

“Why not? He seemed to be into you.”

“Cause –“he started to reply but then realized he didn’t really have a valid reason for not texting Magnus. After all, a text wasn’t necessarily a long term commitment. It did make him almost have chest palpitations though.

Magnus was cute. Too cute. So far out of his league, he may as well have been in outer space.

“Alec, babe. Text him. You never know, just give it a go.”

“Maybe I will.”

“Bet,” Maia said, laughing.

“Okay, fine.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and opened his messages app. He typed in Magnus’ name and quickly fired off a text.

Hey, it’s Alec, from earlier?

Maia peered over his shoulder. “Oh come on, that’s so vanilla.”

“Well, it’s not like I’ve ever texted a boy before.” Alec protested. "Well not like this anyway."

“Fair.” Maia shrugged. “Good thing you have a pretty face because your conversation skills need work.”

“Hey, don’t be rude,” Alec said, but he was laughing because she was right. About the lack of conversation skills anyway.

“It’s not rude if it’s the truth.” Maia grinned.

Alec sighed, “You’re supposed to be my best friend.”

“Best friends aren’t supposed to let you down easy.”

He shook his head, “I think that might just be you.”

“Probably is, but I will seriously be so mad at you if you don’t go on at least one date with him.”

“One,” Alec said, holding up a single finger. “That’s it.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that.”

Alec grinned, “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

“All right, all right, enough talking. You wanna watch this with me?”

To tell the truth, Alec wasn’t the biggest fan of Grey’s Anatomy but he needed the familiar comfort of Maia’s presence right now.

So, he settled back against the couch cushions and tried not to make too many comments about what was happening on screen.

A lot had happened. Most of it he still didn’t know what to do with. Tomorrow would bring its own set of challenges. But that could wait until tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Alec left Maia with her plans to go study seaweed or whatever it was that aspiring marine biologists do. Driving down the main avenue, he arrived at the hospital far sooner than he actually wanted to.

It was still in the same place. Set somewhat away from the cluster of copy and paste plain, vinyl-sided houses that stood in neat rows along the tree-lined avenue. Directly beside it was a support house for families that was painted too cheery of a color for what it was.

He was able to park his car somewhat close to the entrance, given that there were few people who were actually here long term and the hospital had a designated area for visitors.

He momentarily considered forgetting the whole thing but realized that if he didn’t do this now, then he probably never would. He ran a nervous hand through his hair and exited his car.

An older couple coming up the path gave him a judgmental look as he skirted past them as he headed towards the main entrance. It took him by a surprise for a moment before he realized where he was. Normally, people in New York wouldn’t spare a second glance for a boy wearing tight clothes and painted nails. Here, as his mother was so often fond of saying, that just wasn’t done.

He smiled brightly at them and they stared at him, bewildered. He imagined that they were still staring as he approached the sliding doors.

He tried to shake his nervousness as he approached the front desk. The attendant was a pleasant woman in her mid-30s who was way too fond of calling him honey. She at least didn’t seem to mind how he was dressed and was helpful in pointing out where he was supposed to go. 

It was strange to think that this was the hospital he’d been born in. The hospital where he’d had to have his arm cast after breaking it while trying to fence-walk in the backyard. He’d had all of his doctor’s appointments as a child here.

Despite all that, the hallways never ceased to confuse the hell out of him and the signs that were supposed to be helpful ended up just getting him more lost.

Thankfully, the attendant’s instructions were clear enough that he soon found himself on the third floor, the long-term care ward.

Izzy had explained to him that Jace was only here for a couple more days. After his latest chemo treatment, the doctors wanted to keep an eye on him to see how he’d react to the new medication. It seemed that his body was reacting well so far but they’d all been cautioned not to be too hopeful.

Sometimes that meant the cancer would go into remission but sometimes it could do a full 180.

As he got closer to Jace’s room, his footsteps slowed until it seemed impossible to set one down in front of the other. Anxiety began to creep in and he wondered, not for the first time, what the hell he was trying to accomplish by coming here.

Closure, Maia had said. But closure seemed elusive and scary as hell right now. Sure, things with Izzy hadn’t gone exactly terrible but Jace was not Izzy.

He wondered if they’d even recognize each other.

With more bravery than he thought he had, Alec finally came to a stop outside room 308. He could hear the sound of a T.V. drifting into the hallway through the open door. There were no other sounds coming from the room.

Tentatively, he knocked lightly on the plywood frame and stepped through. His breath caught in his throat as he surveyed the scene in front of him.

It was just like any other hospital room. Fluorescent lighting cast startling fragments of white onto the grey linoleum tiles while the warm morning sunlight poured in through a window set into the far wall. An armchair that looked like it had come straight from the 1970s with its awful, avocado green color was pushed into one corner with a matching ottoman set in front of it.

Beside that was a tangle of monitors, tubes, and wires that all made their way back up onto the bed where they disappeared beneath the starched white hospital sheet and, he noticed, Jace’s baby blanket. Well, he hadn’t actually gotten it when he was a baby but the concept was somewhat the same.

Maryse had made it after they’d gotten the news that Jace was officially adopted. It always had a space of prominence in Jace’s room and to see it here was like the past was hitting him over the head with a club.

But no, it wasn’t really any of that that made his breath catch in his throat, but the sight of his brother underneath all of it. It shouldn’t have surprised him, but somehow it managed to, that Jace’s hair he was so proud of was now gone. He was as pale as the sheets and even from here; Alec could see the bright blues and greens of his veins seeping through paper-thin skin.

This Jace did not look like Jace. Jace was mischievous, sometimes an asshole, but always so very alive. Like there was a font of energy contained within him that just had to get out. It sparked off his hair in golden highlights and shone in his eyes with a vivaciousness that was infectious. There was none of that vivaciousness in the person he saw before him.

Dark circles shadowed his eyes and he seemed so drawn, half-alive. This – this image was hard to reconcile with the brother in his memories.

It half made him want to turn around and leave. But then Jace’s eyes, which had been fixated on the TV, flashed to the entranceway.

Alec watched as several emotions flitted across his features before they settled into one, confusion.

“Hey buddy, I think you’ve got the wrong room.”

Alec wasn’t sure how to respond for a moment. Of course, Jace wouldn’t recognize him. He’d changed so much and Jace was never really one for noting the little details about people’s appearances anyway.

He cleared his throat. “I don’t think so. Come on, you don’t recognize me?”

Jace’s eyebrows furrowed as he stared at him for a few moments before realization dawned, “Alec? Is that – is that really you?”

“Yeah, yeah Jace, it’s me.”

Jace sat up fully and the heart monitor beeped loudly as he continued to stare at Alec in disbelief.

“What – how. I mean, Izzy said that you were here but I didn’t – “ he stopped, clearly unsure how to finish the thought.

Seeing that he wouldn’t be immediately made to leave, Alec crossed the room and pulled the ottoman closer to Jace’s bed, careful to avoid the wires and tubes. He sank onto it so he was at Jace’s level.

“She said that um, that you wanted to see me.”

“I did – I mean I do, it’s just what are you doing here?”

Alec rubbed the back of his neck ruefully, “Izzy can be really persuasive when she wants to be.”

Jace laughed, although the sound was weak. It was clear that he was making an effort, but Alec was surprised to learn that he still knew all of his brother’s tells, even now.

He gave Alec a piercing look, “Does mom know you’re here?”

Alec shrugged, “Maybe. Izzy might‘ve told her, but her and I well.”  

Jace laughed again. “Some things I guess never change. But uh, you look different.”

Different was maybe an understatement. In high school, Alec had had sort of a uniform even when he wasn’t at school. Frayed, faded sweatshirts and loose, vaguely black pants. Which, the part about the black pants had definitely not changed, but everything else about him certainly had.

High school Alec would never have dared to wear what he was wearing now and it made him somewhat inordinately proud of how far he’d come from then.

Jace had changed too. It wasn’t just the obvious things but in the way he held himself, even though he was technically lying down right now. There was something about him that felt more calm, centered. Like he’d found the answer to something he’d never known he’d been looking for until he found it.

Alec wondered if that had anything to do with Jace’s father. Well, his other adoptive father who was a literal serial killer, but he didn’t want to talk about that right now.

It felt somehow inappropriate to say that Jace had changed too.

“Yeah, I guess I have.” Alec settled for instead.

Jace gave him another searching look. “Did you get your ears pierced?”

Alec raised his hand unconsciously to his right earlobe, “Yeah, freshman year.”

“They look good.” Jace said, “But I guess you’re not here so we can talk about your earrings.”

“I mean, we can if you want to.”

That would be a much safer topic than discussing their family drama.

Jace snorted. “As thrilling as that sounds I’m going to pass.”

He went to sit up higher and Alec scrambled to adjust the bed so that he was comfortable. Turns out being a big brother never really went away. Once he was sure that Jace was situated he settled back onto the ottoman and waited for whatever Jace was going to throw at him.

There was silence between them filled with the sounds of whatever news show was on the T.V.

Jace cleared his throat, “So uh, can I ask you something?”

Alec laughed, “You’ve already asked me a bunch of things, you don’t have to ask my permission now.”

“Right, right. It’s just can I ask? Why did you leave? I mean actually though. I guess I never got the full story.”

“Well, there’s a long version and a short version.”

“Visitor hours don’t end until four and the nurse comes with my meds at two so, I have time.”

“Long version it is then.” Alec sighed, “I guess it started in middle school. I think that was the first time I noticed I was different? Not to be a cliché but I don’t know how else to put it. At first, I wasn’t entirely sure what to call it, and to be honest, I didn’t think there was anything that different about me. I thought everyone thought about boys the way that I did. Until, well, the other guys in my class started talking about girls and I realized that that was how I felt about boys.

Even then, there was something that made me not want to speak up? So I just kept it to myself. I didn’t really understand that there might actually be people like me and well, we went to Catholic school. It’s not like anyone really talked about it.

Then, one day, I was watching something, I can’t remember what now. All I remember is that the main character of the show was dating another boy and I guess that’s the first time I knew what the word gay was and I realized that I was that. I was gay.

But, the older I got, the more people, especially our parents, started to tell me that being gay was wrong. It was like this big scary thing that I somehow learned I was never supposed to be. I was supposed to like girls. Honestly, I tried. I tried so hard and I prayed that God would change me and make me like everyone else.

Sometime towards the end of high school, I realized that that was never going to happen. Not gonna lie to you, Jace, that made me really depressed. I think I started hating myself because there was this thing inside of me that felt so wrong but I couldn’t change it no matter how much I tried.

I won’t get into the details but that’s basically when mom and dad made me starting seeing a therapist. Thankfully, she couldn’t actually share anything with them because of some agreement they’d signed because if she had well, my cover would have been blown. She actually made me be okay with who I was and I started hating myself less.

Then, the time came to start applying to colleges. I remember all of you used to think I was insane applying to these places that were so far away but all I could think about was how I could be free to be myself. Without mom and dad preaching at me and telling me how disgusting people like me were. It was all I wanted at the time.

I don’t know what made me do it, I still don’t know. But I knew that I couldn’t leave without telling them the truth. So, I did.

Needless to say, that didn’t exactly go over well. Dad was yelling all this stuff about the Bible and mom was trying to be supportive? If you want to call it that I guess. She never actually disagreed with him. They just kept telling me that it was a phase. I would get over it. They couldn’t wrap their heads around the idea that there wasn’t a choice. Because if there was, maybe then, definitely not now, I would’ve changed who I was just so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this hatred inside of myself.

Anyways, dad said that – that I was. Sorry, I just – I just can’t use that word.”

Alec paused, the old hurt flaring up like a bad toothache. He pushed it down and tried to continue.

“He called me that and then he said – he said that if I was gay then I didn’t have a place in his house. That I – I wasn’t his son. So, I left.”

There was silence as Jace stared at him with an unreadable expression.

Alec dropped his gaze to his clenched hands but it was quickly pulled upwards by Jace’s loud curse.

“Fuck him! Sorry, Jesus, did not mean to yell just –“Jace broke off his sentence abruptly. Now Alec understood, his expression wasn’t unreadable, it was just a mask. Which, Jace had a tendency of using when he was pissed off, like now.

“I didn’t mean to yell,” Jace repeated, “But that is fucked up I just – what?! So, just like that they kicked you out? I can’t believe this.”

“I couldn’t either for the first six months, believe me.” Alec smiled ruefully.  

“I guess it makes sense now. For so long I was angry at you. I think it was easier believing that you left because you didn’t want anything to do with us than thinking that mom or dad had something to do with it. But eventually, reality sank in and the more I thought about it, the less it made sense. I knew there was something more to the story but – I just couldn’t figure it out. Even when mom did tell us, which, yeah, in a shouting match with dad is not the time to tell your other kids that you kicked your son out. But when she did, it was like my whole world just exploded? I don’t even know if that makes sense.”

It did, it made so much sense. Jace had already lost his biological mother and father in a horrible fire when he was a baby. He was adopted by a close family friend, who turned out to be a literal monster. Then, came their parents, well the people Jace now considered his parents.

For as long as Alec could remember Jace had had a strange double view of them. A kind of hero-worship intermixed with a guarded scrutiny of everything they did. Who could really blame him though? He’d lost everyone who’d ever loved him in one way or another.

When Jace had moved in with them, he was only a few years younger than Alec. Almost immediately he’d thought of Jace as his brother and Jace had felt the same. They’d even made up a stupid name for each other. A secret club that Izzy, no matter how much she complained, was invited to.

It was childish thinking back on it now, but Alec couldn’t deny the close bond he had with his brother. And even after all this time, he couldn’t consider Jace as anything but his family. They were bonded by something that went much deeper than blood, past their skin and marrow into their souls.

So yeah, he got it. Probably more than Jace would ever know.

Impulsively, he searched out Jace’s hand under the blanket and interlaced their fingers. He pulled their joined hands on top of the blanket and took a deep breath before speaking.

“It makes perfect sense, Jace. It’s hard to think about our parents as being human, you know?”

Jace smiled tightly at him but to Alec’s relief, didn’t attempt to take his hand back. “I mean yeah but looking back I guess I always knew that dad was kind of a dick. Can I say that?”

Alec snorted, “It’s not like he’s around to hear you.”

“Point,” Jace conceded. “It’s just, now that I really think about it when was he ever there for any of us? He was always away on this trip or that one. Even when he was home he’d shut himself in his office. It always seemed like he was too busy for us.

I never really thought about it. It was just one of those things you accept because I don’t know I guess it seems normal? And then he and mom were always arguing about everything. I think I can count on one hand how many times I actually remember them being happy together. They always looked so much happier when they were away from each other. So, I guess it didn’t really surprise me when mom kicked him out. It felt like it was a long time coming.

In a way, I was kinda glad he was gone. All the weird tension in the house went with him. Then, right after that is when I got sick. It kinda feels like this is my punishment for asking God to make him leave.”

Alec shook his head, “Jace, no, you can’t think like that. Things don’t work like that. You got sick because sometimes well, shitty things just happen. But wanting dad to leave that has nothing to do with this.”

“I want to believe that but,” his breath almost seemed to catch in his throat. The last of his sentence said so low that Alec had to lean in to hear it. “Why else would I have freaking cancer?”

“I wish I had an easy answer for you. I guess I don’t.” Alec blew out a long breath. “No one actually knows why some people get it and some people don’t. But, you don’t get cancer because you want your dad to leave because he’s a dick. Jace, the cancer, it’s not because of anything you did.”

He held Jace’s gaze and refused to flinch from what he saw in it. In that moment, Jace looked so much younger than he actually was. Like the scared little boy who had shown up on their front porch with a small powder blue backpack flung over one shoulder, coming up only to the waist of the social worker in his prim black suit who stood beside him.

Then, like now, it looked like he had the whole weight of the world on his shoulders but he was doing his damndest to put on a brave face even though he was scared. What fears hid behind his eyes then Alec would only learn about in furtive conversations between his parents that he knew he wasn’t supposed to eavesdrop on.

What fears they hid now; well he could only begin to guess. Mostly, he supposed, it was the primal thing that all of them feared in the end. That last, dreamless sleep. The thing that would claim whatever it was that a person was with a cruel implacability that didn’t care about the silly categories they filed themselves under.

He couldn’t reassure Jace about the inevitability of death. In the end, it came for everyone and it wouldn’t bother giving you a 24-hour notice. He couldn’t lie and tell him that the chemotherapy would be a magic wand that would force his cancer into remission.

If he could, he would come up with some way to create a miracle cure himself. The weight of death was far too heavy for a 16-year old boy to be carrying around.

“I guess I don’t want to die,” Jace whispered.

Like Izzy, Alec understood that his brother was much too old for placations. He wasn’t completely unaware of what could happen if the drugs didn’t work.

Alec wasn’t cruel enough to lie to him. “I wish I could say that you won’t die, but you and I both know that I would be lying. What I can say is that the prognosis looks good. You’re really sick now, but the doctors are doing all they can so that you can beat this thing. If anyone can beat it, Jace, I know that you can.”

Jace smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You know, you’re the first person who’s come to visit me who’s told me that. Everyone else tries to pretend that I’ll be fine but look at me. I’m in the hospital with all these freaking tubes coming out of me. I have to have someone help me go to the bathroom. I’m not doing okay and everyone knows it, they’re just too afraid to say it.”

Alec sighed and skated his thumb across the top of Jace’s hand. He was careful to avoid where an IV had been fed into the center of it and ignored the purpled skin radiating outwards from the injection site.

He weighed his words carefully before speaking. “Sometimes – sometimes people are selfish. It’s in our nature. We don’t like to think about ugly things. It’s easier to pretend like they don’t exist than to try and deal with them. No one wants to admit that someone they love isn’t going to be there anymore. To be honest, it’s not easy for me either.

I guess in a way I was also lying to myself before I came here. I kept telling myself that maybe you wouldn’t be that sick. In a way, like I said, it was easier than believing that you could be gone. I used to think that moment would only come when we were old.”

Alec shrugged. “But now I know that I can’t lie to myself anymore. You are sick Jace. I’m hoping for the best because hell, I don’t want to think about you dying, especially not now. You’re only sixteen. When I was sixteen, I was getting my driver’s license, thinking about where I wanted to go to college. It’s not fair for you to never be able to do those things.”

“You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already thought about,” Jace replied. “I spent a lot of time in the beginning being angry but now I’m just sad? I don’t want to think about you all growing old and I’m just gone. The doctors keep saying that everything looks like it’s going good but I still have a couple more months of treatments and that’s the best case scenario.”

“Well, I’m not a doctor. Yet anyways.” He managed to get a grin out of Jace for that one. “But I can say that if they say things are going well then they probably are. We’ll have to wait and see but Jace I know that you’re strong enough to beat this.”

“You really think so?”

Alec nodded, “Yeah, I really do. You’ve never let anything stop you. You just have to do what the doctors say and we’ll keep holding out for the best, all right?”

“Okay.” He squeezed Alec’s hand. “Can I ask you another question?”

“Sure,” Alec responded easily.

“Why did you come, actually though?”

Alec rolled the question over in his mind. He wasn’t too sure about the answer himself but he had a pretty good idea at least.

“I think I was lying to myself for a long time. I felt that I had moved on with my life or maybe just enough that it was possible to not think about everything for a while. I convinced myself that I had to accept that I was probably never going to get the chance to explain what had happened. Maybe I wasn’t okay with that idea exactly but it didn’t really feel like I had any other choice.

Our parents made it pretty clear that they didn’t want me around you guys. Then, out of nowhere, Izzy showed up and suddenly, I couldn’t pretend anymore. I had all of these things I needed to say and I kept telling myself I would find a way to do it someday. But when she told me you were sick I realized that I might never actually get the chance to do that.

Plus, I couldn’t imagine if I never got to see you again. If nothing else, I just wanted to see you one last time to I guess say goodbye?”

He let his words trail off and looked up at Jace to gauge his reaction. Jace worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he sorted through what Alec had just told him.

“But why not before now?” Jace persisted.

“Honestly?” Alec sighed. Then decided to hell with it, might as well put all his cards on the table. “I think I was lost. My world had changed so much in just one single day. I lost everything. I was busy for a while trying to pick up the pieces. When I could finally think, I wanted to reach out and talk to you guys. And I tried for a while. But they’d changed the phone numbers and every letter I tried to send was returned. So, it wasn’t like I didn’t try but after a while it just became too hard for me to deal with so I just stopped.”

“They never told me about the letters,” Jace said. “Well, I guess we can add that to the list of terrible parenting decisions.”

“It’s in the past, Jace. I’d sooner just forget about it. I can’t change it and neither can you. I’m here now and that’s all that should matter.”

“I guess.” He shrugged. “I just can’t help thinking how all this time I thought that you not being here was just you not giving a shit. Now I know it was our parents just being dicks.”

Alec mused that Jace’s words eerily echoed Izzy’s words from the day before.

Jace slumped back against his pillows and they lapsed into silence, each lost to their own thoughts.

Alec wondered if he should leave if maybe he’d said too much. Was there a subtle way of escaping without it seeming like that’s what he was doing? Not like he really wanted to leave, no that wasn’t it. He just didn’t want to keep making Jace uncomfortable.

Right about when he’d made up his mind, Jace spoke again.

“You know, I know exactly what you’re thinking. I’m not uncomfortable if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Alec ducked his head, chagrined at being caught out. He’d forgotten what it was like to be around a person who knew his tells as well as he did theirs. Not even Maia knew him as well as Jace did.

“I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to stop talking about the depressing shit and play stupid card games and you can tell me all about college. How’s that?”

“It’s not like I have anything else better to be doing,” Alec said, “But, fair’s fair. I want to know about your life, too”

“Deal,” Jace grinned at him. A real smile this time, one that reached his eyes.

In it, Alec could see a reflection of the brother from his memories and he imagined for that slight instant that they were somewhere far away from this room. That Jace wasn’t sick and they were small again. Hiding in the attic among the dust and the rafters, sunlight streaming in through the solitary window, as they played round after round of whatever game they’d managed to smuggle up there with them. Usually chess or playing cards.

Maybe time had changed some things, but it couldn’t change everything. He noted an abandoned stack of playing cards and fished a small tray table out from beside Jace’s bed.

Carefully, he laid it by Jace’s legs and took the cards from their box.

Another pang of nostalgia hit him as he realized what he was holding. These weren’t just any playing cards they were their cards. If he flipped the box over, he’d see their initials written in a childish scrawl on the bottom.

The edges were soft and the middles of the card-backs were creased with familiarity. He smoothed his thumb over one of them.

“I can’t believe you kept these.”

“Well,” Jace cleared his throat, “I kinda found them. I thought that mom had packed them away with the other boxes, then I was up in the attic, and there they were. It uh, it helped having something that reminded me of you.”

“I’m glad you held onto them.”

“Me too,” Jace mused.

“Now,” he tapped the tray table with the flat of his hand. “Are we going to play or what?”

“Yeah, yeah. Since you’re so impatient, you shuffle the deck.”

Unbeknownst to either one of them was the shadow that lingered just outside the doorway. Maryse hadn’t quite meant to eavesdrop.

Of course, Izzy had mentioned Alec was going to be here but she’d imagined he’d be long gone before she got there.

It turned out that she’d underestimated her son yet again.

The sound of voices had drawn her to vacillate here, unsure of whether to make her presence known. But it seemed unfair to insert herself into a situation that had nothing to do with her.

She watched her boys because of course she still thought of them as her sons. Although she hadn’t seen them together this way in years.

Now, it was as if the past was replicating and imprinting itself onto the present.

As if an alternate dimension that housed that long ago time had bent and warped to contort itself into the present. Just like then, their bodies were angled subtly inwards, bowing towards each other as they spoke softly over the cards clutched in their hands. A study in contrasts, so much alike and yet so very different.

She’d known for a long time that it was wrong of her to have kept them apart. Oh, she could rationalize it all she wanted to but there was really no excuse for any of it.

It was a hard pill to swallow to realize that she had failed in the one thing she’d always believed that she was destined to be. She’d failed not only Alec but the rest of her children as well.

She’d let herself be swept away and in the end what had she gained for it? But Robert wasn’t here anymore. He couldn’t impose himself in their lives any longer, she’d made sure of that.

Of course, she herself was not completely faultless in this. Maybe, maybe if she’d stood up for herself sooner then she would have been able to save the situation.

But there was no use thinking about things she could not change. If she could never reconcile with Alec – and, if she were being honest, she didn’t blame him for not wanting to hear her excuses. But, if she never could, then maybe standing here was the closest thing she could get.

A ghost, neither seen nor heard, a strange visitor that longed to breach that thin veil of the past and live in the present but unable to fully exist in either place.

She imagined that if she were a phantom, then perhaps at the very least she would be able to hold her son to her one last time, the way she’d done when he was small. She could warn herself in the past about the dangers of taking this road and what she’d lose if she did. But there was no changing anything now.

This was her mess, she’d caused this. It was silly to believe that she could just sweep it all under the carpet. And, as this was her doing, it would be her responsibility to fix it or, at the very least, to explain herself.

It was probably too much to ask for Alec to hear her out. She knew she’d done a terrible job of it the first time. In life, it was seldom that you were given second chances and she’d completely blown hers.

Maybe the small part of her that clung to that last vestige of faith could believe that she would be granted the opportunity to have a third chance.

And say what? She didn’t know. To apologize? Maybe. But sometimes, sorry just didn’t cut it.

Chapter Text

Alec welcomed the rush of fresh air that greeted him as he exited the hospital over the stale, antiseptic scent that permeated every square inch of the place.

The sun felt good on his skin compared to the barely perceptible gloom that seemed to coalesce there. Sure, they kept the floors clean and they could paint the walls as bright as they wanted to, but none of that could change the fact that it was a sanctuary for the sick and the dying.

A cathedral for the grieving to huddle in muttered prayers around white sheets and plead for a stay in judgment. Alec shook himself, not wanting to dwell on that thought for very long.

He wanted to believe in the idea that maybe the universe wasn’t always heading towards an inevitable entropy. That maybe there were times where it stopped in its course of wreaking havoc and chaos. If he still believed in God, he might have sent a whisper on the wind hoping that it would catch the ear of an angel.

Too bad he didn’t. He’d realized that God wasn’t real and if there were any angels, they’d turned their backs on him a long time ago. He preferred science and medicine – those were his religion. The things he held onto with a fierce certainty as fanatical as any zealot did.

He shook himself again, trying to chase away the melancholy thoughts.

It was hard, though. To not lose himself in them.

He had a terrible tendency of wanting to fix everything. Maia and Neela were fond of telling him it was both his best and worst quality. But there was nothing to be fixed here, at least so far as Jace’s cancer was concerned.

The thought of Neela made him wish that she were here with him now. She always knew exactly what to say to make things seem a little better than they actually were.

Maybe if she couldn’t be here, he could at least hear her voice.

He reached into his pocket for his phone and dialed her number.

She picked up on the third ring.

“Well, isn’t it a little early for you to be up and about?”

He was right, the sound of her voice was already helping to soothe over the way he felt emotionally raw and cut open by his conversation with Jace. And the fight with his mom. And whatever the heck that was about on the beach with that guy. Magnus.

“Hey Neela”

“Hey sug’. How you doin’?”

Alec shrugged, then realized she couldn’t see him. “I can’t lie. I’ve definitely been better.”

“Hold on a second.” There was a pause and then Alec could hear the muffled sound of Neela shouting at, no doubt, one of the day cashiers. “Sorry ‘bout that. These boys, they never learn. You need to pick up the chairs before you mop the floor.”

She let out a long sigh and Alec could picture her shaking her head. “So, what’s goin’ on?”

“Well, you know I talked with my mom”

“Uh-huh,” Neela’s tone said enough about how she felt about that.

“So, I uh, talked to Jace today. It was kind of Izzy’s idea?” Alec kicked at a random rock on the sidewalk as he made his way back to his car. He slid into the driver’s seat and closed the door to the outside world. It gave some illusion of privacy at the very least and made him feel less exposed.

“How did that go?” He could hear what sounded like a door opening and shutting. Then the din of the café was reduced considerably. He figured she’d probably gone into her office.

“Okay, I guess? I don’t know, it seems like he wants us to you know, try and have somewhat of a relationship again. But …” he trailed off, not sure how to give voice to the cloying fear that numbed his words and made his tongue feel heavy and clumsy.

“It’s just, Neela, I’m scared.”

“Oh, Alec, it’s okay to be scared.”

“I feel like – “ he sniffled and to his surprise, found himself fighting back tears. That wasn’t his usual response. Not like the usual response was necessarily healthy. Cramming your feelings down until you didn’t feel them anymore was not the best way to handle things. “I feel like before I mean I knew he was sick, you know? Obviously. But I guess I didn’t realize how sick.”

“I know what you mean sweetie. It makes you think, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Alec agreed softly. He traced the edge of the steering wheel, “I mean Neela he could die. I can’t – what am I gonna do? I don’t want to lose him.”

“Honey,” Neela paused and took a deep breath. “I wish I could be there for you, more than anything. But since the only thing I got is my voice, I guess I’ll just have to settle for words.”

She took another breath, “Your brother is sick and you’re right, he could die. But you’re focusing on the wrong things. You can’t get back that time, but you have time right now. Spend every day you can with him. Tell him how you feel and when you come back here, call him. I’m sure he’s got a phone.

Now, about the other stuff, I can’t tell you how to handle that. I thought I would lose my mind when my mother died. I didn’t think I would be able to keep on living knowing that she wasn’t there. And I’m not gonna lie to you. There are some days when it hurts so bad I can’t even breathe.

But then I think about all the good times I had with her, all the things we shared together. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it does help me breathe a little easier. And I know my momma wouldn’t want me to be sad. She’d want me to keep on living.

You gotta make peace with that, Alec. But you also gotta trust in what the doctors are doing. You said his prognosis is good, right? So just let them do what they do.”

“But Neela it hurts.” Alec couldn’t help sounding like a petulant child. “And it’s not fair.”

“I know. It never is.” Neela’s voice was patient.

Alec wasn’t quite able to keep the tears back now and they slid in warm tracks down his cheeks. The droplets dotted his sweater, darkening it from blue to navy. “It’s just not fair.”

He swiped at his eyes, willing himself to get it together already.

“I know,” Neela repeated. “It seems like whether you like it or not, you gotta accept that sometimes bad things just happen. And you’re right, it’s not fair. It’s not fair for your brother to have cancer. It wasn’t fair for your parents to kick you out. But that’s why we learn at some point to stop playing by the rules.

We know the universe don’t care. It’s going to keep doing what it does. So then, what is there left to do? Hope. Hope that the medicine is good enough to bend the rules. You ain’t lost that yet, have you?”

“No,” His voice was hoarse.

“Good, because hope,” Neela continued, “Is the one thing that makes any of the rest of this worthwhile. If you give up on hope, then you give up on living. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or you can’t cry. It doesn’t mean that the situation isn’t shitty. It just means that despite those things, you’re not gonna give up.”

Hope. What a weird word. Sure, maybe he’d not given up on the concept entirely, but he’d definitely given up on the idea that life was fair.

No, there was nothing equal or balanced about the cards you were dealt. Too many times you wound up one or two short while the other people at the table had a full deck. There was no way to win with the odds stacked like that. Eventually, he’d stopped expecting life to deal a clean hand. He’d figured out that you couldn’t be disappointed if you didn’t expect anything good to happen in the first place.

But for the first time he could remember in a very long time, he actually wanted to hope for something.

Maybe it didn’t matter that the odds were stacked because sometimes life would give you the ace you’d need to win the hand anyway. It was just carefully hidden behind the two of spades.

He cleared his throat. “No, you’re right. Thank you. I – I really needed to hear that.”

“Any time,” Neela replied easily. “Now you go and get some rest. And don’t do anything too crazy.”

“I won’t,” Alec promised.

“Good. Take care of yourself and text me when you get home.”

“I will.” He promised again.

They hung up.

He sat for a moment staring at the steering wheel and realized that he was crying again. But this time, he let it happen.

He rested his head on his hands and took a deep breath. He did several mantras in his head before he felt somewhat calm again.

He thought about going back to the condo but the thought of being in an enclosed space with no one to talk to made his skin crawl.

Instead, he drove back to main street and parked his car in the last free parking space he could find for what looked like the next several blocks. Alec mentally thanked Neela and Maia for yelling at him that yes, parallel parking was a necessary skill to have in life.

Leaving his car there, he began to wander in and out of shops mindlessly looking at things, trying very hard to not think at all, and occasionally texting back and forth with Maia.

It seemed like she’d decided to go to the museum after all and was sending him random factoids about marine life. And he really didn’t need that picture of a dissected starfish.

When he grew bored of that, he began to meander back towards his car. He was looking at his shoes and not really paying attention when he ran into someone.

“I am so sorry –“ Alec’s words died as he looked at the person he’d run into. Of course, of course, this would happen. Why oh why did the universe hate him?

“We have to stop meeting like this.” Magnus grinned at him. “Although, if it’s you well, you can knock me off my feet anytime.”

Alec blushed, despite how cheesy the line was. “That was terrible.”

“But it made you smile.” 

Alec shook his head. “That doesn’t mean it wasn’t terrible.”

“Well, maybe I can convince you that all of my lines aren’t generally that terrible,” Magnus replied easily. “Would you mind if I kept you company?”  

“I mean, sure.” Alec shrugged noncommittally, trying to downplay his nervousness, especially because he’d never texted Magnus back yesterday. He’d meant to respond, he really, really did. But then he’d let his anxiety talk him out of it. He was sure that Magnus would never want to talk to him again but somehow, here they were.

“Excellent! The walk is so much better when there is fine company to do the walking with.”

Alec felt himself turning red again. “Do you flirt this much with everyone?”

“Only with the people I am incredibly attracted to. So yes, but also, no.”

“So there are other people you’re incredibly attracted to?”

“Hmm, not at the moment, you are my one and only muse.”

Alec ducked his head. How could this man just go around saying things like that?

“Ah, I suppose that was a bit much.” Magnus rubbed the back of his neck. “My friends are always telling me I come on too strong.”

“I can’t imagine why that would be.”

Magnus laughed, “Yes, well, I am who I am. But I know hardly anything about you.”

“What do you want to know?” Alec risked a glance at the man walking beside him. No doubt they were garnering quite a bit of attention between the two of them. Alec by himself would’ve been enough for the town gossips. But Magnus, well, he would’ve stood out even in New York City.

Though it was fairly hot outside, he had a bright pink boa draped around his neck. Which, strangely, did not clash at all with the teal pants he was wearing or the leopard button-down he sported. Maybe it was the shoes? Okay, maybe not. They were black but they were also very, very glittery.

“What’s your favorite color?”

Alec held up his arm, “Blue.”

“Well, I guess that one should’ve been obvious.”

When a beat passed and Alec still hadn’t responded because he was thinking about how to respond, Magnus gave him a teasing grin, “You’re supposed to ask me now, you know?”

Ugh, why was he so bad at this? Simple answer. Magnus was hot. H-O-T. Hawt. Rendering his speech capabilities to near zero in his presence.

But he managed to get his last two brain cells together to ask. “Okay. Then what’s your favorite color?”  

 “Hmm, you know it changes. I feel like right now I’m fond of mauve. It makes me think of the wintertime.”

How could Magnus possibly think about winter when it was almost eighty degrees outside?

Alec shook his head. Then gave voice to his thought.

Magnus laughed again, “It’s very simple. It’s not about where you are but where you wish you were. For example, I’m here because I have to collect samples and send data back to my lab. But where I wish I was is a chalet. Doesn’t matter where. Somewhere in the mountains. Lots of snow. If I think about that then, of course, it’s winter.”

“I still don’t get it. It’s hot as hell outside and we’re by a beach. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be thinking about snow.”

“That’s because you’re not thinking hard enough. Hmm,” Magnus tapped his forefinger on his chin. “Second question. Why were you out walking today?”

“That’s your second question? How –“ He cut himself off. “Nevermind. Okay, I was out walking because I was at the hospital and I don’t know – I guess I just needed to get out?”

“I imagine you don’t want to talk about that?”

“Yeah, no thanks.”

“So then, I guess I’ll tell you why I was out today. I was bored, very, very bored. I can only look at so many slides before I feel like I am going out of my mind. So, I decided to go for a walk.”

Alec chuckled despite himself. “Don’t your coworkers get mad at you for doing that?”

Magnus sighed dramatically, “Unfortunately yes. Although, the most that they can do is send me very angry emails because I am the only one physically here. So, they cannot technically make me do anything and my boss loves me.”

They were silent for a moment. Then Magnus spoke, “Okay, it’s your turn to ask a question.”

He could’ve asked about something serious, but he was tired of serious things for one day at least.

“What’s with the boa?”

“This,” Magnus reached up to toy with the end of it. “I don’t really know.”

He shrugged. “Sometimes I just want to wear something so I do.”

“My turn. What’s the worst thing you’ve done on a dare?”

“That one’s easy.” Alec tugged his sleeve up and showed off his elbow. “I let Maia talk me into this.”

Magnus’ laugh was bright as he took in the tattoo. “That is honestly amazing.”

Alec risked another glance at his companion. He imagined it was like looking into the sun. You could look for a moment or two, but you might go blind if you looked for very long. Although, wow if that was the last image he’d see then maybe it would be worth it.

He cleared his throat, hoping that Magnus wouldn’t be able to tell what he’d been thinking, and pressed on with his next question. “Cat person or dog person?”

“Easy.” Magnus scoffed. “Cat person. I think Chairman would be offended if I brought a dog home.”

“Chairman?”

“Yes, my cat, Chairman Meow. Here, look at how cute he is.” Magnus took out his phone.

Chairman was adorable. “Okay, he’s definitely very cute.”

“What about you?”

“I don’t know. I guess a cat person. We had a cat when I was little but he was old so. Then we never got another one. I couldn’t imagine owning a dog though.”

Alec realized that they were almost back to where he’d parked. He also realized that he wanted to keep talking to Magnus and wasn’t quite ready for them to part ways.

He gestured at his car. “I know that driving isn’t exactly walking but would you like to come over for dinner? I’m sure Maia wouldn’t mind and –“

“Yes, I would love to.”

Alec found himself smiling and was unable to suppress his giddiness. Normally, his stranger danger alarm would be going off but Magnus, despite knowing him for only a few days, didn’t feel like a stranger.

The ride back to the condo was filled with Magnus asking progressively inane questions. It helped to keep him in a good mood.

When they got there, it didn’t seem like Maia was back yet. He knew she’d be back soon, it was starting to get dark, but he wasn’t too worried.

He texted her to let her know that Magnus would be joining them for dinner. She, of course, sent a winky face emoji. He’d retreated to the kitchen, ostensibly to charge his phone. Which, yes, technically he’d left his charger in here this morning, but really it was just an excuse to put a little distance between him and Magnus.

Magnus was…overwhelming, exhilarating. Once again, he found his mind comparing the other man to the sun.

And if Magnus was the sun, then he was absolutely Icarus, compulsively drawn to its warmth but knowing if he got too close, he would surely lose his wings and crash to the earth.

But just like Icarus, he couldn’t help the strange allure Magnus held over him. He knew if he was smart, he would run far away from the things that Magnus was making him feel. Emotions he’d done his best to carefully and studiously ignore. Too bad his heart didn't quite get the memo.

He sighed and shoved his phone back into his pocket. He could only pretend to stare at it for so long before it started to border on rudeness.

Steeling himself, he turned to call out to Magnus who was currently lounging on the sofa, “Maia should be back in a bit. You’re not a vegetarian are you?”

“While I try to keep my consumption of animal products low, I am not in fact, a vegetarian. So, to answer your question more directly. No.”

“Roger that.” Alec surreptitiously wiped his palms on his jeans. It was surreal the effect that Magnus had on him. He’d been around plenty of attractive men but none of them made him quite this nervous.

“Maia will probably start dinner whenever she gets back. I’m kind of um, banned from cooking when she’s not here.”

Magnus laughed and Alec once again, found himself charmed by the sound. It was infectious and bright and had his heart doing funny things again. Things he wasn’t quite sure how to put a name to.

“Dare I ask?”

“I may or may not have almost destroyed Neela, that’s well she’s kinda like mom, anyway it might have almost led to her kitchen being destroyed. It also may or may not have involved the fire department.”

He turned to the fridge, “Do you want anything to drink by the way?”

“Water if you have it.”

Alec filled two glasses and brought them to the living room. He was mindful to put them on the coasters set out on the corner of the coffee table.

He settled onto the sofa, close to Magnus but also not too close because well he was an anxious mess all right? And he was alone. With a cute boy. Who actually laughed at his lame attempts at humor.

“So, that would explain being banned from the kitchen. I have a similar story, not me.” Magnus chuckled. “I was in my first year of my PhD program. My friend Ragnor and I were renting this apartment. Well, I’d gotten back somewhat late, had gone straight to bed. Suddenly, I’m woken up by him yelling about the oven being on fire.

Well, it turns out the oven really was on fire because he’d left the cooking oil on the stove too long. Needless to say, standing outside when it’s almost thirty degrees out in a robe and your underwear is not a fun experience.”

Alec doubled over with laughter. “Wow and I thought I was bad at cooking.”

Magnus grinned, “Yes, well, that’s why he is now banned from the kitchen without supervision. I’m sure our neighbors were very angry at both of us.”

Alec was still laughing, unable to stop himself at the imagery Magnus’ story evoked. Once he’d finally gotten himself under control he looked up and realized that the other man was staring at him with an expression he didn’t quite recognize.

He felt himself turning red again and wondered if his reaction had been out of line. Maybe that was why Magnus was looking at him like that?

He shifted, suddenly uncomfortable. Self-conscious, he began to toy with his earring.

Magnus was still looking at him and then, Alec realized he was blushing. It was faint, not nearly so obvious with his golden skin but definitely there.

Oh, oh suddenly he got it. That look. It made him feel even more nervous because why was Magnus of all people looking at him like that?

“I know this is probably too forward but may I?” Magnus gestured at him.

Alec’s stomach seemed to be turning itself inside out. Did he want Magnus to touch him? Then again, this was a once in a lifetime moment.

And there was something about him that made Alec want to throw all of his carefully dictated rules out the window.

He wanted to be someone else. Someone who was not cautious. Someone who didn’t second-guess everything. He wanted to be reckless just this once.  

Cautiously, he nodded and suddenly, whoa Magnus was all in his space. Not that he really minded. No, he did not mind at all.

This close, he could smell what was probably aftershave or cologne. He also noted that Magnus’ eyeliner was as perfect as he’d thought it would be.

Then, Magnus’ hand was gently cupping the side of his face, thumb tracing the edge of his jaw. Out of the corner of his eye, Alec dimly noted the metallic sheen of Magnus’ rings.

But he couldn’t focus on that, he was too busy trying to remember how to breathe.

Without his permission, he felt his eyes closing. He pushed whatever his rational mind was trying to scream at him down deep into his subconscious, locked the box, and threw away the key.

He could feel Magnus’ breath ghosting across his lips and then there was firm, soft pressure. He didn’t imagine this was what his first kiss with a guy would be like but then again, it wasn’t like he’d let himself imagine that ever.

Alec had never seen himself as attractive. It was harder still to believe that anyone else would be attracted to him. But yet, here was one of the hottest guys Alec had ever seen kissing him.

Magnus drew back after a few moments, much to his disappointment. But then he was kissing him again, coaxing him to respond.

And Alec went willing. He nearly came undone when he felt the tip of Magnus’ tongue tracing his lips.

That was it. Rationality was completely off-line now. He felt warm hands settling on his hips, guiding him, and suddenly, he found himself straddling Magnus.

If he’d been actually using his brain, maybe he wouldn’t have allowed himself to do this. But it was nice. And it wasn’t like Magnus was trying to take things any further.

When he realized that, he let himself relax. Magnus skimmed his hand up and cupped the back of his head. The feeling of slender fingers sliding through his hair made him gasp.

He expected Magnus to take advantage but he kept their kisses closed mouth, gentle. Alec was nearly disappointed but he liked that Magnus was trying to be somewhat respectful. Too bad that wasn’t what he wanted at that moment.

With more bravery than he thought he had, he played Magnus’ move against him, tracing the seam of his lips with his tongue, hoping that he would get the damn hint.

Magnus groaned, his hands tightening. The feeling of his hair being tugged had Alec gasping again. He cataloged that away for later. Who knew he had a thing for that?

This time, Magnus did take advantage, sliding his tongue into his mouth and Alec made another one of those gasping noises. Then, there was no room for thinking anymore.

Just the wet, warm slide of Magnus’ tongue against his. The slight sting of teeth and the smell of Magnus’ cologne between the two of them. A combination that was both stimulating and intoxicating.

It seemed to go on and on. Alec could feel himself slowly losing control. He knew if it kept going on like this, he might not be able to stop.

Magnus apparently had the same line of thinking because, reluctantly, he drew away. He placed a hand on Alec’s chest and gently forced him back.

Alec’s eyes fluttered open and wow, okay if Magnus was cute before he was even cuter now. His hair was slightly tousled, lips reddened, and eyelids heavy.

He bet he looked a mess but with the way Magnus was looking at him, he didn’t really care.

Magnus caressed his cheek again, “Not that I’m not enjoying this but I must point out that Maia will be back soon.”

Maia. Not your friend. Maia. He’d actually remembered her name. Then Alec registered what Magnus had said and groaned.

He knew Magnus was right but that didn’t stop him from being disappointed.

He went to flop back onto the couch but Magnus’s hands prevented him from moving. “I didn’t say you had to move.”

Suddenly, insecurity was rearing its ugly head again. Magnus must just be saying that to save his feelings. Surely, he didn’t want Alec, who was admittedly quite heavy, all in his space like this. And he was pretty sure he must smell weird or something or –

Magnus reclined his head along the back of the sofa and looked at him from under lowered lids. “I can hear you thinking from here and I know we don’t know each other that well but whatever you’re thinking I am going to say it’s most likely not true. I wasn’t lying when I said I was very attracted to you.”

Alec suddenly felt like his skin was two sizes too small. Someone like Magnus could not be attracted to him. Maybe he was one of those weirdos that went for insecure people?

But no, that couldn’t be quite right. Magnus hadn’t indicated that he’d wanted to do anything but kiss him. And he had been actually sympathetic on the beach and he’d even remembered Maia’s name. None of the handful of guys he’d gone on dates with had ever seemed like they’d actually been invested in what he was saying.

But could he let himself believe that? He’d known this guy for a few days and already he was making Alec feel things he wasn’t quite sure how to deal with.

Sure, he’d met plenty of people that he was attracted to. But none of them had ever really mattered. He’d never cared about their opinion of him or wanted to get to know them beyond one extremely awkward first date.

But he wanted to get to know Magnus, more than just what his favorite color was.

“I believe you.” He managed, “It’s just – I mean I guess people don’t usually talk about this this early on but I’m I don’t know I’m me. And well – “

He gestured at Magnus. “Look at you.”

“What about me?” Even though Magnus was giving off the impression that he couldn’t care less, the sharpness in his eyes belied his blasé attitude.

Alec felt his cheeks heat, “You’re well – I mean I’m sure you’ve looked in a mirror. You’re gorgeous and well, you’re smart and funny.”

“You don’t think you’re all of those things?” Magnus asked raising a skeptical brow. “Because from where I’m sitting it seems to me like you tick all of those boxes and then some.”

If Alec had a mirror, he was pretty sure that even the back of his neck had turned red from how hard he was blushing.

“No seriously,” Magnus sat up, keeping his hands on Alec’s hips to keep him from escaping. “When I first met you I thought you were wow, like easily a 10. Then I thought, wow this guy is opening up to me and he doesn’t even know me. Most people maybe they would’ve been scared off but there was something about you, I just couldn’t get you out of my head.

Maybe you don’t see it, but I do. And I’m not just saying that either. I know we just met each other. But, even if we don’t end up being you know something. Which, seriously, we don’t have to talk about that right now. I’d still like to just get to know you. And I don’t know, maybe be somebody you could talk to?”

Alec worried his bottom lip between his teeth. “This is a lot for me. Because, yeah, for the record you’re easily a 10 too. But also, it’s crazy. I shouldn’t feel this way about you and I’ve only just met you. It – not going to lie, it kind of scares but in a good way? Does that even make sense?”

Magnus chuckled, “It makes perfect sense. Do you always overthink things this much?”

“Would it surprise you if I said yes?”

“Wouldn’t surprise me in the least bit. But you know it can’t be good keeping all that up here.” Magnus gently tapped the side of his head.  

Alec shrugged. “I mean probably not.”

He sighed and looked down at where his hands were bunched in Magnus’ shirt. When had that happened? He thought about moving them but decided it would be too awkward.

“I guess I just learned to be that way. Older sibling complex? My mom and dad well, they were gone most of the time and I don’t even want to think what would’ve happened if no one was watching Jace and Izzy.”

Magnus had begun to card his hands through the ends of his hair. Which, admittedly, was nice. When was the last time anyone had done that?

“I understand that at least. My parents shipped me off to my grandparents. Then, when they finally got their visa cleared, they took me with them to the states. I have no idea where they are now.”

“That must have been rough.”

“Yes and no. I don’t really have any clear memories of my parents. For as long as I can remember, my grandparents have been my parents.”

“And they never tried to look for you?”

Magnus paused for a moment and then smiled wistfully. “No, not so far as I know. It seems they never really wanted anything to do with me. My grandparents have told me bits and pieces about them but they’re strangers to me.”

“Well, I feel like your parents missed out on a lot for whatever it’s worth. It seems like their loss.”

Magnus nodded. “That’s what my grandparents say too. Sometimes, I wish I knew them but then I think what would be the point?”

“That’s kind of where I’m at with my mom,” Alec said softly. “My dad, well, he’s made it pretty clear how he feels about me. But my mom, I just keep wondering if there might actually be something left there.”

“It’s not too late to find out you know.”

“Yeah. I just have all of these mixed emotions and questions.” Alec shook his head. “Like why did she lie all these years? Why did she keep me from talking to my siblings?”

“I’m not so sure I’m the person you should be asking those questions to.”

Alec felt his heart clench, the instinctive reaction to shy away from Magnus’ gentle criticism before he realized how foolish that was. Magnus was right.

“But I also know,” Magnus continued, oblivious to Alec’s thoughts, “That asking isn’t always easy. Give yourself time.”

“I just feel like there’s never enough of that.”

Magnus opened his mouth to respond, but whatever he was going to say was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.

“I am loudly announcing my presence so I don’t have to see things I really don’t want to see.”

Magnus laughed at Maia’s theatrics and when Alec moved to sit on the sofa, he let him.

“Relax, Maia, I promise we have all our clothes on,” Alec reassured her.

“You better.”

He heard the clatter of her setting things down on the entryway table before she made her way into the living room. Her cheeks were slightly red, probably sunburned because she refused to wear sunscreen. She was dressed in a loose shirt and cut-offs, the tie of her bathing suit visible underneath where she’d bundled her hair up at the nape of her neck.

Maia flopped onto the sofa, “Give me like ten minutes.”

“Long day?” Magnus asked.

“Very. Alec, you didn’t tell me that the museum was so cool.”

“I feel like I did tell you.”

“No, you told me there was a museum. You didn’t tell me that they actually did research.”

“How was I supposed to know?”

“You could have asked me,” Magnus interjected, grinning. “I sometimes go over there to steal lab supplies if we’re running out.”

“Wait, I forgot,” Maia sat up. “You’re a marine biologist too, right?”

“Guilty as charged.”

“What’s your specialty?”

“I actually study impacts of pollutants on marine life.”

“That’s so cool. I kinda want to study mammals but I’m not sure yet.”

“You have plenty of time.” Magnus pointed out.

“True,” She sighed. “I just feel like there’s all this pressure to figure it out right now, you know?”

“It does tend to feel that way. But, just keep in mind, if you don’t know that it’s okay. I didn’t really figure out what I wanted to do until after my first year of grad school.”

She nodded. “That’s actually super helpful.”

Then she narrowed her eyes at Alec. “I thought you said you were going to the hospital. You minx, you didn’t tell me that you would be bringing Magnus back with you.”

Alec grinned. “Well, it was more like I ran into him”

“Literally,” Magnus chimed in.

Maia giggled.

“So,” Alec said. “It was kind of on accident? Not that I’m complaining.”

Magnus shot him a look that had Alec’s cheeks heating again. “Oh, trust me, I’m not complaining either.”

Maia gave Alec another scrutinizing look then she smirked. “Well, it’s about damn time. Good for you.”

Alec blushed even harder because now both of them were leering at him. This was not fair. It was two against one.

“And, yup. I am so telling.” Maia's smirk widened.

“You will not,” Alec said, not that he didn’t want to tell Neela eventually. But he couldn’t stand the idea of getting either hers or Maia’s hopes up. Sure, Magnus was cool and he was very much interested.

But what would happen when he went back to New York? Surely there was a reason so many people said that long-distance relationships didn’t work out? And was that something he even wanted to consider? A relationship?

He’d just met the guy. But if he was being honest with himself, there was something about Magnus that had all of his careful hard-won defenses crumbling. And that was terrifying.

How could you feel this much for someone you’d just met? It didn’t make any sense.

“Fine, fine.” Maia held up her hands placatingly. “My lips are sealed.”

Magnus looked between them, his expression charmingly confused. “I feel like I have missed out on an important part of what just happened.”

“It’s nothing,” Alec said quickly. No, it wasn’t nothing. It was more like Maia being the well-intentioned meddling sibling. Which, he didn’t need, thank you very much. He knew his complete lack of interest in dating concerned her and Neela.

But how could he be worried about dating someone when he had so much to juggle as it was? Besides, all of the guys he’d gone out with up until this point had been more or less on a sliding scale of creepy. Or just wanted to get in his pants. Or both.

Which, sure, there was nothing wrong with hookups, but that wasn’t what he was looking for. The moment he voiced that though, suddenly none of them were interested.

Eventually, he’d thrown out the idea that he’d ever meet someone who would be interested in more than just trying to get into bed with him.

But Magnus was shaping up to be that guy. Who actually wanted to talk to him and didn’t get freaked out by his baggage. Well, in the minuscule amount of time they’d known each other it seemed that way. It left him with a gamut of feelings he wasn’t sure how to deal with just yet on top of all the other confusing emotions that had welled up in the short time he’d been here.

Magnus was still looking adorably confused, but he didn’t press the issue. He very blatantly steered the conversation towards asking how he and Maia had met each other.

Which was easy, freshman orientation. They’d bonded over their mutual disdain for the requisite walkthrough and overly effusive offers of help from upperclassmen.

And the rest, as they say, was history.

Alec was surprised at how easily conversation flowed between the three of them. Again, it didn’t necessarily feel like Magnus was a stranger. It just felt like he was a missing part of their dynamic that hadn’t felt like it was missing until someone pointed it out.

The light nature of the teasing between them and Maia’s targeted innuendos was enough to lift his mood from earlier. It wasn’t that worry about Jace and the impending confrontation with his mom weren’t there. It just felt like for a little while anyway he could focus on something else.

As the end of the evening grew closer, Alec felt almost disappointed. It was fun, he realized. Though Maia was still meddling as she practically shoved him out the door to drive Magnus home.

Not like he wasn’t going to do that anyway.

It turned out Magnus lived only five minutes up the road from the condo. Well, lived, more like rented. And even then, it was more like student housing funded by his research lab. No one else was there besides Magnus right now.

In the summer, there would be a circulation of interns but in the winter, it was generally deserted. It was the same construction as the condo still built up on stilts but with an extra floor. It gave the place a vaguely cartoonish look but in a fun way. In the darkness, he could see what looked like a mural painted on the clapboard, but he couldn’t quite make out the details.

Nervousness bubbled in his stomach as he realized he didn’t quite know what the protocol was for these types of things. Did he walk Magnus to his door? Did Magnus want him to walk him to his door?

“You don’t do this very often, do you?”

Magnus’ voice startled him and he jumped, banging his knee on the steering wheel.

Alec cursed, rubbing the offended knee. “Am I that obvious?”

“Only a little.” Magnus’ reply was light, teasing. “I don’t mind though, it’s cute.”

Alec was sure he was a permanent shade of red around Magnus by this point. Especially because he kept saying things like that.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

Alec turned to look at the other man, searching for any trace of dishonesty.

Magnus chuckled, “You really are too cute.”

He reached up and cupped Alec’s face, much the same way he’d done earlier. Leaning in, he kissed Alec gently then drew back. “It’s okay, I’m not expecting anything. But, if it’s okay with you. I have to be in the lab for the next couple of days but after that maybe dinner?”

“Y-yeah I – um, I-I’d like that.” Alec cursed himself for his stammering.

Magnus didn’t call him on it, though. “Excellent. I will see you in a couple of days then.”

He kissed Alec again and then he got out. Leaning in through the open doorway, he gave Alec a genuine smile. “I did have fun.”

“Me too.”

Magnus’ smile brightened further and Alec felt like he couldn’t breathe for a second.

Then, Magnus gave him another little wave and he was gone.

Alec watched him walk up the stairs, pink boa now trailing from his fingertips. He watched as Magnus disappeared into the house and then slumped back into his seat.

He brought his own fingers up to touch his lips, where Magnus had kissed him only a few short moments before. His head felt like it was spinning.

It left him wondering what the hell just happened.

Chapter Text

Alec woke up the next morning convinced that the previous day had to have been a dream. Until he rolled over and realized he had a text from Magnus. It was so innocuous, just an invite to dinner at a Thai place he’d never been to before. But it made him feel strangely giddy and nervous all at the same time.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he agreed to the date.

Scrolling through the rest of his messages, he saw that there was one from Izzy. He opened it and saw that it was just her wanting him to go with her to pick up Jace tomorrow. He sent back a quick ‘ok.’

He wondered if that meant he would have to see his mom. He couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or not. Probably not.

Then again, he wanted to spend every second he could with his siblings. And what about Max? He hadn’t seen his youngest sibling in years and when he’d left well, there was no way that Max actually remembered him at all.

Alec sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face, and determinedly turned his phone off. It was too early to be thinking about all of this.

Wasn’t he supposed to be on break?

A light knock on the door tore him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, come in.”

Maia poked her head in through the open doorway. “Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were up. There’s this cool little café down the street you wanna check it out?”

“I’m in. Just let me get dressed.”

“’kay,” She turned to leave then called over her shoulder, “Make sure to bring sunblock. I kinda wanted to go to this garden while we’re out.”

He knew exactly the one she was referring to. It was a community-run garden set up by the local nature-society.

“Yes, mom.” He laughed as Maia flipped him off over her shoulder.

He quickly threw on a pair of jeans that were more rips than anything else and the lightest t-shirt he owned. Which, just so happened to be a t-shirt Neela had given all the employees last spring.

He couldn’t even remember packing it. Then again, his version of packing was pretty much throwing whatever looked clean enough into his suitcase so that didn’t say much.

A quick pass through the bathroom to brush his teeth and try to tame his hair and he was ready. Surprisingly, Maia was waiting for him. Usually, it was the other way around.

When she saw him she tapped her wrist, “Running behind this morning.”

“Really? You’re usually the one running late. Plus, you did just tell me to get up like, ten minutes ago.”

“Semantics,” She scoffed. “Come on, it’s still early and I want to leave before it gets too hot.”

She snagged the keys from the entryway table before he could, not like he really minded. Driving was still mostly terrifying and it would be nice to be the passenger for a change.

“Soo,” Maia said, not taking her eyes off the review mirror as she slowly reversed down the driveway. “What’s the deal with you and Magnus?”

Unbidden, Alec could feel his face heat. It seemed like his body’s default reaction whenever anyone mentioned him.

“Deal?”

“Yeah, you know, what’s your angle?” She asked, eyeing him out of the corner of her eye as she deftly maneuvered around a car parked too close to the street. Strange how she could be so good at avoiding objects on the road while simultaneously seemingly making it her life’s goal to see how close she could get to the curb when turning.

“Uh, I – I – I mean he’s cute.” Alec stuttered out. Then immediately felt like an idiot.

Way to state the obvious he thought.

“And?”

“And he’s cool. I um, I like him. But I don’t know, is it a good idea? I mean we’re only going to be here for a few more days. What happens after we go home?”

“What do you mean what’s going to happen?” Maia never took her eyes off the road as she parked behind a blue minivan. Only after she turned off the ignition did Maia fully turn to look at him. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe that doesn’t matter.”

“How could it not matter?” Alec asked incredulously. He worked inside the realm of reality. And in reality, you had to plan for contingencies. How could she just say that it might not matter?

“Well,” She took a deep breath. “You never know. It could not work out but how do you know until you try? You should at least give it a go.”

“I don’t know,” He said eventually, “I guess I just think about all the things that could go wrong and well, you know, all the logistics.”

“Alec, babe, you’re putting the cart before the horse. It’s a date. Just go, have fun, live a little.”

Right, it was just a date. Maybe he was making things too complicated. But it was hard not to when he’d never been on a date with a person whose opinion he actually cared about. This date actually meant something and what if he fucked it up?

Maia was giving him a look like she already knew the direction his thoughts were going so he refrained from giving voice to any of them.

“It’ll work out, you’ll see.” She said as she leaned across the console and ruffled his hair. “Now come on, daylight’s wasting.”

Slowly, he got out of the car and followed her into the little café. Really, it was just a bar with some stools and a display case. But judging by the smell of the roast, he knew that the coffee was going to be good.

They emerged a few moments later, drinks in hand.

“I think the garden is like a ten-minute walk from here.”

“I’m okay with walking,” Alec shrugged. It was a nice day, no reason to spend it cooped up in a car, right?

They were silent for a moment before Maia nudged his shoulder.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?”

“What? No, I’m not, promise.”

“I just – I know you’re going through a lot right now, I don’t want to be a bitch.”

Alec snorted, “Maia, you were just telling me the truth. I guess I have some thinking to do but you were just looking out for me.”

“So we’re good?”

“Yeah, we’re good.” He grinned at her and she smiled in return.

They spent the rest of the walk bantering back and forth. Mostly about the other people they passed on the way. From the old lady carrying her Yorkie in a baby carrier to the poor dad that seemed like he hadn’t slept in weeks, three kids hurriedly ushered in front of him.

When they got there, he was pleasantly surprised to find a historic brick-front building. There was a plaque to the left of the door with the founding date and historical information.

The door itself was painted a deep green, propped open by a large Buddha statue. In his lap was a ceramic bowl that was filled with a variety of bills and coins. A sign propped up next to the statue stated the donations were for the annual holiday food pantry.

Alec had almost forgotten that the holidays were right around the corner. It made him sad in a way that they’d miss their annual celebration with Neela just shy of a day. They’d already made plans to make up for it but it still felt strange.

That first holiday without his family had been the hardest. Neela had opened her door to both him and Maia and they’d spent the day with their cell phones off, playing board games and watching awful movies. Neela had provided the eggnog, liberally spiked of course, and at some point, he’d forgotten that he was supposed to be upset.

They’d spent every holiday after that in the same way. It was one of the many things he looked forward to about this time of year. Well, that and being able to volunteer with the shelter on Christmas Eve.

“You okay?” Maia asked.

He realized he’d been staring at the sign for longer than was probably strictly necessary. “Yeah, I guess I’m just a little homesick.”

“Me too,” She said softly, “I can’t believe we’re not gonna be with Neela this year.”

“It’s okay,” Alec said, tugging gently on her sleeve, “There’s always FaceTime. And we can have a for-real celebration when we get back.”

“You’re right.” She smiled, “Hey, do you think you’re gonna try strip poker again this year?”

“Hey, that was a one-time thing. I was drunk!” He protested.

She giggled, walking towards the entrance. “Doesn’t mean that I’m ever gonna delete that video. I’m scared of what might’ve happened if Neela hadn’t been there.”

“You said we would never talk about that again,” Alec laughed as he raced to catch up with her.

A man was walking out as they were going in, forcing Alec to flatten himself against the wall to allow him to pass.  

“Sorry,” Alec muttered as he scooted past him into the aviary.

The man didn’t even acknowledge him as he exited out onto the sidewalk.

“Rude,” Maia scoffed.

Alec shrugged. Strangers being vaguely rude honestly didn’t bother him that much.

He turned to survey the inside of the building. There was more brickwork taking up all four of the walls. Although colorful tapestries and plants hung from and were placed on, every inch of available surface. It looked like a greenhouse had exploded.

There was also another door, this time wrought iron, set into the far wall inside a low archway. It was open, a paper sign attached to it that indicated the direction of the aviary.

When they passed through the archway, Alec caught his breath. This place was like the Secret Garden come to life.

Sunlight poured in through skylights. The ceiling, he noted, was just glass panes welded together.

The brick also continued into this room, but it looked like they weren’t inside a building at all. So many plants he couldn’t even name all of them were artfully arranged around a stonework pathway. He could hear the distant sound of a fountain bubbling and it made him feel as though he’d stepped into another world entirely.

“Wow, this place is amazing.” He breathed. He couldn’t believe how much it had changed. 

“I know,” Maia chirped, staring enraptured at the sheer amount of greenery around them. “Come on, let’s go this way first.”

Alec allowed himself to be pulled along the brick pathway around the gardens as Maia rattled off the names of various plants and flowers. He didn’t know much about botany, but it was nice to see Maia light up as she talked.

And, he had to admit, even if you didn’t know the names of the flowers, you could at least admire the brilliance of their colors.

He didn’t know how long they were inside before they emerged back out onto the street. It seemed almost disappointing to have to return to reality.

They’d left a donation both for the garden and the food pantry. Speaking of food, Alec wondered when it was that they would be able to eat lunch.

He’d turned to ask as much to Maia when he looked up and saw someone staring at them from across the street. A chill went down his spine as he realized it was the man from earlier. Had he been there the whole time they were inside?

Instinctively, he pulled Maia closer to him and picked up the pace of his steps.

Maia, who’d been talking about what she’d gotten Jordan for Christmas, stopped midsentence. “Are you okay?”

At the risk of sounding paranoid, he said. “I don’t want to freak you out but that guy from earlier?”

“The rude one?”

“Yeah, him. I think I saw him watching us.” Alec lowered his voice in the hopes of not alerting the man to the fact that they were aware he was there.

“What?” Maia hissed, matching his tone, “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure,” Alec muttered. He slipped his phone from his pocket and faked taking a selfie to check if the man was behind them. Sure enough, there he was. He’d slowed down some to walk with a tour group but he was most definitely following them. “And now I think he’s following us.”

“Okay,” Maia said, “Come on then.”

She took his hand in hers and tugged him up the street. Waiting until another large group passed them, she ducked into the closest store, a clothing boutique.

Together, they watched as the man walked right past the window and then a little further up the street before stopping. By the expression on his face, Alec would bet he was pretty pissed, but to his relief, the man didn’t turn around. Instead, he got into a black car, some type of sedan, and sped off.

“Can I help y’all?”

They whirled around to see an older woman looking at them with a perplexed expression.

“Uh yeah, sorry.” Alec stuttered. “We were just –“

He faltered, not sure how to explain what they were doing without sounding crazy. The woman continued to stare at them for a moment before understanding crossed her features.

“That’s quite all right. Listen, do you need me to call someone?”

“No. Thank you, but I think we’re all right.” Maia said.

The woman nodded, seemingly unconvinced but allowed them to leave.

They didn’t speak until they were safely back in Alec’s car.

“What was that about?” Maia asked.

Alec shook his head, “I have no idea. Maybe he was just some weirdo? I guess he thought we were tourists?”

“I don’t think so,” Maia said uncertainly, “Cause why would he have waited around if he thought we were tourists? There were so many other people, surely he wouldn’t have stayed there for over an hour if that was the case.”

Unease began to pool in Alec’s stomach. “Yeah, I – I don’t know, that is pretty weird.”

“Did you recognize him?”

“No, I’ve never seen him before.” At least he was pretty sure he hadn’t.

“Strange,” Maia pursed her lips. “Well, I don’t know about you but I think I want to go back now.”

“Same.” Alec agreed. He mulled the situation over and found it didn’t quite make sense. Who was that man and why was he following them?

Because both of them were still creeped out about the whole thing, they opted to stay close to the condo for the rest of the day.

The next morning, the incident was almost completely forgotten as Alec left to go get Izzy and Maia applied herself to a project she was working on for her lab.

It had something to do with studying the life expectancy of different whale species or something like that. He really didn’t know but Maia was passionate about it and was trying to turn the whole thing into a senior thesis paper.

When she got into a work mode, Alec knew it was best to leave her be. Though he wasn’t quite okay with leaving her by herself given what had happened the day before but Maia had practically shoved him out the door. He knew that she could defend herself but that didn’t make his uncertainty disappear.

At the hospital, he pulled into the same space he’d occupied a couple days earlier and headed inside. The same receptionist was at the desk and was way too handsy about pinning on his visitor’s badge.

He made his way to the third-floor wing and Jace’s room, stopping in the doorway when he saw both Izzy and his mom standing by Jace’s bed.

Alec wondered if it was too late to just turn around but then Jace caught sight of him.

“Alec!”

Izzy and Maryse turned around and yup, there was no going back now.

“Hey,” He hoped that the smile he pasted on wasn’t too forced.

“You came,” Izzy swept him into a hug. “They’re just about ready to sign off on the papers.”

“Finally,” Jace complained, “I don’t think I ever want to think about or see jello ever again.”

Alec grinned. “Why not? Isn’t it one of the five important food groups?”

He was rewarded with a laugh for that one and tried not to let himself tense at the presence of his mother in the room. To say that their last meeting hadn’t gone well was something of an understatement. It was hard to believe that that was almost a week ago.

With everything that had happened since it was at once a fresh wound and an old hurt.

Maryse squeezed Jace’s shoulder. “I’m gonna leave you kids be. I think I need some air.”

Then, she was gone.

“Wow,” Alec said. “She couldn’t wait to get out of here fast enough.”

Izzy winced, “Yeah she’s um – she’s not doing well with everything. You know how she is.”

And yes, Alec did know. His mother wasn’t one for emotions or heart-to-heart conversations. No, she’d never been emotionally neglectful, but it wasn’t like she was the kind of mom who was open in that way. In that, they were a lot alike. For the fact, they both tended to push things away or avoid them rather than deal with them.

“Well,” Jace drawled, “She’s going to have to deal with it at some point.”

Anything further that might’ve been said was interrupted by the doctor coming back in. She passed the papers off to Izzy with strict instructions to give them to Maryse as well as Jace’s prescriptions.

Jace complained the whole time about the wheelchair, saying he had cancer, not that he was incapable of walking.

They tuned him out as their procession wended its way back into the hallway, into the elevator, and down to the parking lot where Maryse was waiting with the car.

For the first time, Alec caught a glimpse of the mother he remembered as she ordered Jace to stay where he was and fussed with blankets and pillows set up in the passenger seat while simultaneously loading bags.

Jace made a face that had him suppressing a laugh as Maryse continued to fret. Alec rushed to help Jace into the car. That, at least, he could do. To his surprise, Maryse let him without any complaint.

“You’ll stop by soon, right?” Jace asked.

“Of course.” How could Alec say no to that?

If he expected Maryse to comment, she didn’t. In fact, she was across the parking lot, talking to Izzy. From the way his sister looked, he could tell that his mother was being unnecessarily stubborn about something.

He turned to look back at Jace who was watching them with a pinched expression.

“Are they always like this?”

“No,” Jace commented, “This is a recent thing. After well, everything, their relationship has been strained to say the least.”

Alec nodded, feeling a hint of guilt twisting in his gut at the idea that he may have something to do with the newfound friction between his mother and his sister.

“Not,” Jace added hastily, probably seeing something in Alec’s expression, “That that has anything to do with you. We were going to find out eventually.”

“I know,” Alec replied softly. “I just – I don’t want to be the reason they’re fighting.”

“Trust me, you’re not. The problem is that they’re both right about the same thing, they just don’t realize it.”

Alec chuckled. “That sounds awfully familiar.”

“Alec!”

He turned, surprised to see Maryse hurrying towards him.

The instinctive reaction was to automatically deflect but against his better judgment, he stayed where he was.

Maryse, if his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him, looked uncharacteristically nervous. It wasn’t an expression he was used to seeing. His mom was a defense lawyer, in a state and a profession that frowned on the presence of women in her field. She’d learned to seem sure of herself, even when she wasn’t.

“I know that we left – well, that I was a bit – I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry.”

“For which part?” Alec couldn’t quite keep the bite out of his tone. He couldn’t help wondering if this was going to be another attempt by his mother to preach at him.

“For all of it,” Maryse replied softly. “You’re right. I should've been there for you and I wasn’t. Any excuses I might’ve made were well, bullshit. I know that I don’t deserve to ask you this, but would it be okay if we talked?”

Alec stared at the woman in front of him, not entirely sure if she was in fact his mother. His mother was rarely humble and almost never admitted when she was wrong. Nor did she make it a general habit of asking people’s permission.

His reflexive instinct was a hard and fast no. How could she, after everything, just ask him that and expect him to say yes? Then again, well, even if he wasn’t ready to forgive her, maybe she’d be able to give him the answers that he’d been so desperately searching for.

A glance at Jace over his shoulder showed that his brother was just as taken aback by Maryse’s behavior. Their eyes met and Jace gave him a subtle nod.

Alec took a deep breath. “I may regret this, but okay, yeah. That being said”

He held up one finger, “This doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you or anything like that. There’s a lot that I need answers for.”

“I understand,” Maryse replied easily. “There’s a café up the street, it’s pretty secluded.”

He appreciated that Maryse was offering to talk somewhere public this time. He said his goodbyes to Jace and Izzy and waited for Maryse to do the same.

They walked in tense silence until they got to the café. As promised, it was somewhat off the main avenue and most of the seating were booths in small alcoves elevated just slightly off the main floor.

Maryse waved politely to the cashier who waved back. Clearly, she must come here a lot.

Turning to Alec she indicated the booths. “Since this was my idea I’ll pay. Why don’t you find somewhere to sit? Oh, and uh, do you drink coffee?”

Alec indicated that he did, in fact, drink coffee. He was a twenty-something college student, of course, he drank coffee.

He sank into a booth that was the furthest back from the door and gave the best vantage point of the room – a habit he still couldn’t quite break himself of.

He texted Maia to let her know that he’d be a little bit later than intended. He didn’t get a response back, more than likely because she was still working.

A few moments later, Maryse slid into the side opposite him and set two mugs down on the table.

“I didn’t know what you took in it so I just had them make it black.”

“That’s fine,” Alec shrugged.

“So,” Maryse cleared her throat. “I guess there’s a lot I have to answer for. As I said, I know that well I haven’t been the greatest parent.

And I’m not here to make any excuses. You were right, I should’ve called. I should’ve shown you that I cared and not just thrown money at you. I guess hindsight is 20/20. I was so caught up in my own feelings that I never really stopped and thought about how you would feel. I guess I just convinced myself that you hated me. In a way, maybe it was easier? To be honest, I think the thing I was most afraid of was confronting what I had done.”

Alec shook his head. “You’re gonna have be more specific than that.”

Maryse met his gaze and held it. “All right. More specifically. I should have stood up to your father. Stood up for you.”

Strangely, the words he had wanted to hear for so long didn’t have the weight that he’d expected them to have.

“There hasn’t been a moment since that day that I haven’t wanted to go back and change what I did. I guess I tried to make myself feel better by paying for your schooling but I was still being selfish. Even in that, I was thinking mostly about myself.”

Alec couldn’t disagree with her on that point but felt like it would be rude to say so.

Maryse slid her thumb around the rim of her coffee mug absently. “Well, I can say that I was wrong about that too. I guess in the last couple of years I’ve been thinking about things differently.”

She reached into her bag and brought out a sheaf of papers. “You don’t have to read them. You can burn them if you want to. I just – I just wanted you to know that even if it didn’t seem like it, I always wanted to reach out to you. I had convinced myself that because I hated myself for what I did, then you must feel the same way too.

But, I never stopped wondering what you were doing, how you were. I used to write these when I was sure Robert wasn’t around. I don’t want to imagine what he might’ve done if he knew about any of this. But, for me anyway, I couldn’t just forget that I’d abandoned my son.”

Alec took the papers gingerly and glimpsed his mother’s crabbed handwriting, some of it looked blotched. He tried not to think about that as he laid them on his lap.

“But you never sent any of them?” He asked incredulously.

“No,” Maryse whispered. “I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Alec was trying desperately to keep his temper under control but his mother’s contradictory behavior was really making that difficult. How could she say she cared and write all of these letters but not actually send them?

“Well, that’s also something I wanted to talk to you about. I know – I know that I’m not in any position to be making demands but can you promise me one thing? Please, don’t hate your father for what I’m about to tell you.”

Alec nodded cautiously, his head slightly reeling at the abrupt shift in the conversation.

Maryse dropped her gaze to the table. “I guess I should go back to the very beginning before you were born.

My parents and Robert’s parents were close. I always knew that I was going to marry Robert, there was never much of a choice in that, whether I loved him or not. Oh, I was allowed to go to school and have my own career, but I was not going to be able to choose who I married.”

She smiled tightly. “That was…difficult. When I was at school, I met another man. I had all of these crazy ideas that he would run away with me and we would be together. But, of course, my parents found out. They weren’t exactly happy. My father forced me to come home and we lost contact with each other. My father, I’m glad you never met him. He was a hard man, raised in older times I suppose.

I can’t tell you how long I spent begging him to change his mind but he was set on me marrying Robert. I couldn’t care less about the family name and to be honest, I still don’t. But no matter how much I would’ve wanted to, I guess I was something like a bird in a gilded cage. Maybe that’s a bit trite, but it’s the only metaphor that really makes sense. I could have anything I wanted, so long as my parents approved of it. But I had no real freedom. Even in who I loved.”

A trace of that old pain lingered on her features as she continued softly, “I suppose if I had to be forced to marry anyone, Robert was not exactly the worst choice. Or so I thought at the time. I thought he was a good man, maybe a bit obsessed with his work, a little conceited, but at the heart of it, good. In the beginning, he treated me well enough considering the circumstances. I don’t know if I ever truly loved him but I did learn to care for him as time went on. I thought…I thought that if nothing else we could be in some way happy.

Things weren’t great but they could’ve been worse. I had my career, your father had his. By all appearances, we were a normal couple.”

“So wait,” Alec interrupted. “Your parents arranged your marriage?”

“Yes, I suppose they did.”

The thought of that was medieval. Of course, he knew things like that existed, even here. It was just shocking to hear it coming from his own mother.

“What I’m about to tell you, well, I’m not making excuses. I know I’ve already made too many of them. I just – I feel like I need to tell you this. It’s a long time overdue.”

She paused for a moment, as if weighing her words, before speaking, “In my house, how I grew up, women were always subservient. Like I said, I was expected to marry Robert. Then, be a mother first and put my career second. I was always supposed to submit to my husband because that was what I was told. Of course, I never really liked the idea of submitting to anyone but I also wanted to be a Godly woman.

For me, there was never really a choice. It was all I knew and I was convinced that if God said it then it must be true. I took everything in the Bible literally and that meant obeying not only my parents but my husband as well.

Of course, I don’t feel that way anymore but I was much younger and a lot more gullible then. The only thing that was a problem for my parents was that they were staunch Baptists and Robert’s family were Catholics. When we got married, I made the decision to convert.

Well, the church we attended, had its…issues let’s say. I got swept up in wanting to change it from within and it nearly broke me. We left that church and everyone we knew and moved here.

Things were great for the first couple of years. Then you came along. Life looked like it was perfect. But appearances can be deceiving. The whole time that everyone thought we were this perfect couple we weren’t.

I’m sure you caught onto this towards the end, but Robert was a serial cheater. He was…controlling.”

Alec frowned. “Controlling?”

Maryse began to tap on the table idly. “Yes, I suppose that’s the best word for it. He um, well he was very particular about where I went, who I was with. He would sometimes go through my phone at night. I suppose his cheating made him paranoid that I was cheating as well. It went beyond that though. I’m not proud of this period in my life. I think – I think that I lost myself for a while there.

I – every decision I made I felt this compulsion to make sure it was okay with him first. He never actually hurt me, at least physically, but there’s no doubt in my mind that he had this hold on me. I’m not proud of this either but I think in many ways I was afraid. Of him. Of being disobedient to God whatever that means.” She scoffed and pulled a face.

Alec couldn’t remember the mother he knew growing up being so cynical about religion. It was such a part of their lives that it was difficult to reconcile that image with the person he saw before him. He also noted that his mother no longer wore the silver cross she always had. He wondered about that but didn’t have time to ask and Maryse was still talking in an almost conversational tone. As if she wasn’t discussing the ending of her marriage or the reconfiguring of her worldview.  

“And the church never encouraged me to do anything but more of what I now see as enabling his terrible treatment to me, to you kids, and just…in general. If things weren’t great between us the reason was always that I was not being a good wife, not that there was something he was doing.

When you – when you came out, I think that was the wake-up call for me. I remember hearing that door slam shut and honestly, my heart just – shattered.”

She broke off abruptly. Alec was surprised to see tears brimming at the corners of her eyes and was just as surprised to feel a similar reaction to what his mother was telling him. Sure, it didn’t excuse what she’d done, but in a way, it made all of the little things he’d seen growing up start to piece together.

The way his mother would cater to his father. His father’s caustic wording when addressing her and his inability to acknowledge whenever he’d done anything wrong. His father’s distance from them, the frequent business trips.

It all painted a very ugly picture that made him start to understand his mother a bit better. There was no doubt that a lifetime of religious conditioning coupled with everything else had culminated in that one moment.

He felt a small modicum of his anger slip away, but there was still so much he didn’t understand.

Clearly, her view of his father had been directly influenced by her parents’ relationship. It was just not something that was done, questioning the man of the house as it were. To go against his father in that moment would have meant going against everything she’d ever been taught or believed in. It was immeasurably cruel to force her to have to choose between him and that.

But his heart ached and a part of him still wondered why, in the end, she hadn’t chosen him. He knew that answer, of course he did, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

“Sorry.”

He was torn from his thoughts by his mother’s whispered apology as she swiped at the corners of her eyes.

“I swear I’m not trying to manipulate you. This is –this is just really hard for me.”

Alec honestly didn’t know what to say. He was once again in between wanting to reach out to her and his own feelings that were still largely unresolved. He’d spent so many years imagining the person he’d thought his mother was. To have something he’d largely taken as a given once again turned on its head was leaving him unsure of just where he stood and how he felt about his mother after hearing all of this.

Maryse took a breath, “Okay. Where was I? Oh right. When you walked out that day I think that was the moment when I realized, I couldn’t live my life like that anymore. It had cost me not just myself but now my own son.

Something had to change. I didn’t know where to start. Thankfully, there’s a lot of resources out there about this kind of thing. It wasn’t easy, especially that first year. I used to wonder if you were okay. Did you have enough to eat? Was your hair still the same as when you left?

Robert, well, he decided that once you left you were no longer a part of the family. He made me take down all the pictures and close up your room. He gave the kids some bs excuse. I went along because I don’t know – I was stupid? Unwilling to go against my husband? Ashamed of my own inability to stand up for my son? I don’t know.

I knew it wasn’t right but somehow I couldn’t force myself to speak up either. Time passed and Robert he just got worse and worse. It seemed like there was nothing that I could do that was right in his eyes. Every conversation we had was an argument. He was spending more time away than he was at home.

I just – I got to this point where I – I don’t know I guess I’d finally had enough. His treatment of me well I guess I was used to that but I refused to repeat my mistakes. I wouldn’t let him do to Izzy what he’d done to you. I told him to leave.

Of course, he wasn’t very happy about that. I won’t go into details but needless to say well it was ugly.”

Alec wondered what she meant about that comment about Izzy. But he knew that was probably a conversation he would have to have with his sister.

Sifting through the rest of what his mother had revealed to him, he couldn’t say that it was in any way unexpected that that was how things would end. He wasn’t sure he had more than a handful of memories of a time when his parents were genuinely happy together.

But there was still one thing he didn’t understand.

“There’s just something I don’t get,” Alec said.

“Whatever it is, I’ll try to be as honest as possible.”

“Okay.” Alec paused to steady himself. “Why did you send back all my letters? The cards?”

Maryse’s brow furrowed in apparent confusion. “Letters?”

“Come on,” Alec scoffed, “You know what I’m talking about.”

Maryse shook her head slowly. “No, I actually don’t. What letters?”

“The ones that I sent, every year, the holidays.”

Alec watched as several expressions crossed his mother’s features, surprise, sadness, confusion, and then finally settling on anger.

“That bastard.” Maryse hissed. “Alec, I am so sorry – if I had known but of course not –“

She trailed off, leaving him more confused.

“What? I don’t –“ Alec cut himself off, not sure how to give voice to all the questions crowding on the edge of his tongue.

“Right.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Well as I’m sure you know I usually work late at the office. I’ve tried to be better about it with Robert gone but that’s not really relevant to this. Anyways, Robert, he’d usually get home before me. I guess he kept them and never told me about them. He – he really hated you that much.”

She scoffed. “I just – I can’t believe this. It’s one thing to make you leave it’s another thing to do this.”

Alec searched her face for any trace of dishonesty. What he saw made him believe that she was genuinely angry and upset. No, it went deeper than that she looked…betrayed? Was that the right word for it?

Should he – could he believe her? What did it mean if he did?

“I just – I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay,” Maryse said. “I mean – I know this is a lot to absorb. And I – I understand if you want to be done with me. I wouldn’t blame you.”

“I won’t lie,” Alec said. “There’s a lot I have to think about. I honestly don’t know how to feel right now.”

“I understand. I just want to say thank you for agreeing to talk with me. I – um, I guess that I won’t take up any more of your day.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Alec rushed to say. “I guess what I’m trying to say is – just give me some time. I need – I need to process all of this.”

Maryse nodded. “Okay. I mean – I get it.”

A loud ding made his mom drop her gaze to her phone and she sighed. “Duty calls. I know you said that well you need a while and I’m willing to respect that. But if you want to see Jace or Izzy or Max, I don’t mind. Um, and I guess if you feel up to it before you leave I’d like it if you would join us for dinner. And uh, you can bring Maia she seemed nice and well, anyone else you want to.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I can ask,” She smiled tightly at him and then stood up, collecting both their mugs. “It was good seeing you again. I hope that – well, maybe even if you can’t forgive me that I won’t stand between you and your siblings. Take care of yourself, Alec.”

Then, she was gone. Alec stared after her for a moment before shaking his head. He glanced outside and saw that it was getting dark now. He wanted to hurry up and get back to his car before the sun fully set.

The whole incident with the man yesterday had unnerved him and he was still slightly paranoid that he would see him again around every corner.

He shot off a quick text to Maia letting her know that he was on his way back and followed his mother out. He was just in time to see her slip into a silver SUV and he wondered for a moment who the driver was. Then again, what business of that was his?

Thankfully, he wasn’t that far from the hospital and he got back to his car with no incidences. When he got back to the condo he was unsurprised to see that Maia was still in the same place she’d been when he’d left earlier, except for a couple of extra cups and a plate to her left.

“Honey, I’m home!” He called.

Maia glanced up at him and gave him a tired smile. “Hey, how was your day?”

“Uh, well,” He turned to toss his keys onto the end table, “It was interesting.”

Maia sat up. “Interesting?”

“Um, yeah. I talked with my mom.”

“You did? That’s great.” She made a face and amended her statement. “Or maybe not so great?”

“No, no,” Alec sank onto the rug next to her, “It was and it wasn’t. There was a lot that I just…didn’t expect.”

“Like what?”

“Well, she pretty much confirmed a lot of things that I thought about my dad.”

“In what way?” Maia asked.

“In the way that he’s something of a controlling asshole. And he was more awful to my mom than I realized. I don’t know, it was really hard. Cause you know, I’m still so mad. But now after talking with her, I know now that she was as much a victim as I was.”

“That’s a tough position to be in.”

“Tell me about it. Like, I want to be mad at her but now I feel like it’s wrong to be mad. Does that even make any sense?”

“I mean yeah, it does. But you shouldn’t feel bad about how you feel. Your mom still hurt you even if there is more to the story than you thought. That’s something you have to deal with and clearly, your mom is dealing with it too.”

“Yeah, I guess – I guess you’re right. I’m just so confused.”

“Hey, you don’t have to know the answer right now. Just – you know, take some time. Think about it and if you want then you can try to build that bridge with your mom but if you don’t want to then that’s okay too.”

“That’s the thing, I think – I think I do want to but I’m scared. What if I say yeah, let’s do this, and then it turns out that everything she told me was a lie?”

“Did it seem like she was lying?”

“No, that’s the thing. She looked genuinely upset. Like, I think she was being completely honest. And she looked honestly afraid when she was talking about my dad.”

“Well, you don’t have to go from hating her to suddenly being her friend or whatever. You can you know, work your way up to that.”

“No, you’re – you’re definitely right.” Alec scrubbed a hand across his face. “Okay, fuck it. Weren’t you the one who told me that I should try living in the moment? Well, she asked me to dinner before we leave so I think I’m gonna do it.”

“Okay, I know I said that but don’t force yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with.”

“I – I don’t know. I feel like I have to at least give it a go and she said I could bring you with me and whoever I wanted.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Literally I don’t know.” Alec shrugged.

“Well,” Maia said, “All right. But only if you’re comfortable like I said.”

“I think I’m gonna sit on it for a couple of days.”

“That’s probably the best idea. So did she say anything else?”

“Oh, there was one more thing. Apparently, she didn’t even know about the letters.”

“That seems kinda sus.”

“That’s what I thought too. But I don’t know, same thing. She looked like she really didn’t know. I think – I think there’s more going on with my dad that she didn’t want to tell me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know,” Alec considered the question for a moment. “Like – not that she wasn’t being honest, just like there were things she wasn’t telling me.”

“Weird.” Maia frowned. “I wonder why.”

“That’s what I want to know too.” He sighed. “I guess – well whatever. She said that she’s not gonna keep me from having a relationship with my siblings so I think that means that she wasn’t the one keeping the letters from them.”

“Or she could have had a change of heart.” Maia pointed out.

“I don’t think that’s it. Her expression she just looked so upset when I told her about them.”

Maia shrugged in lieu of an answer.

“Either way. I asked Izzy and she said that she wants me to meet them in a couple days and have a day out. Maybe go to the zoo?”

“Sounds fun. I’ve got to work on this,” She gestured to the mess of papers around her, “Or else I’d go with you.”

“No, I understand. Do you wanna have a chill day tomorrow then?”

“That sounds fun. More beach time.” She grinned, “And then you have your date with Magnus.”

Alec felt his cheeks heat. “It’s one date.”

“Two dates.”

“Two?”

“Come on, the romantic stroll and I know you weren’t just sitting on that couch.”

“Ugh, fine two dates.” He said begrudgingly.

Maia laughed. “I’m just messing with you. Really, I’m happy for you.”

She nudged him. “It’s about time.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He pushed her playfully. “What about you and Jordan?”

“We’re actually – really good.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded. “I mean we’re still working through some stuff but – I think he’s genuinely changed. He seems so different from how he used to be. It was hard at first believing that he was actually different. But he’s really turned it around. He cut off all contact with his dad and he and his mom are going to therapy together and then he goes by himself. It seems to be working for him. He’s all set to take his certification and he seems like he’s really into his music.”

“That’s good Maia.”

“Yeah,” She smiled, “I mean – I think I still have some issues but he’s respectful of that and we can talk about it now so.”

“That’s all that’s important.” Alec still had his reservations about the guy but there was no way he could pretend like he knew more than Maia herself. And if she could forgive him then maybe Alec could learn to do the same.

“And Neela helps of course.”

“Of course.” Alec grinned. He had no idea where either of them would be without Neela.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Alec said cautiously.

“Are you – you know, is it okay? Me and Jordan?”

Alec tugged on his shirtsleeve, “I mean – I won’t lie. I still have some reservations.”

“Not,” he added hastily, “Because I doubt your judgment, of course not. It’s just hard for me because it still makes me mad that he hurt you. I know that was a long time ago but every time I see him I just think about that. But I do trust you so I’m working on getting over that because if you can forgive him and want to be with him then I need to learn to respect that.”

Maia nodded. “You know you have a serious older brother complex.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad.” She assured him. “I just wanted to check in with you.”

Alec narrowed his eyes at her. “Why?”

“Uh – well, I mean obviously it’s not going to happen right now. But we uh kinda had this talk.”

“He didn’t.”

Maia blushed, “I mean I told him not right now but I’m hoping if we’re still together…”

“Wow, I mean congratulations.”

“It’s not like we’re actually engaged!”

“But I mean – you guys are super happy together. I could see it.”

“Thanks.” She said quietly. “You know, Alec, sometimes I don’t think you realize how good you are.”

Alec scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

“No, seriously. You put whatever you feel on the back burner and try to respect other people. It’s something I’ve always admired about you.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I guess I never told you that. And I – I’m glad that we’re friends.”

“Me too.” Alec grinned.

She nudged him again. “Okay, enough of the touchy-feely stuff. Do you want to watch something? Your pick?”

“Okay,” Alec got up slowly and flopped onto the couch. “We’re watching Tangled.”

“Not again,” Maia groaned as she got to her feet as well. “We watched it yesterday. Twice.”

“Can’t watch it too many times.”

“Whatever,” Maia shook her head, “Popcorn?”

“Is that even a question?”

“Point.” She walked into the kitchen. “What do you want to drink?”

“Surprise me.”

“You might regret that.”

Alec laughed. “Highly doubt that.”

“I’m gonna give you soda.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Kidding,” She giggled.

“You better be.”

A few moments later, she joined him on the couch. As the movie started up, Alec couldn’t help two thoughts from circulating in the back of his mind.

One was the identity of the man who’d been following them earlier. The second was just what he was going to do about his mom.

The first one he doubted he would ever know the answer to but the second well, that answer would hopefully come to him in time.

Chapter Text

“Do I look okay?” Alec asked as he ran a nervous hand through his hair.

Maia looked up from her laptop and gave him a once-over. “You look great. What are you even worried about anyway? You literally met Magnus in your boxers.”

“Well, yeah, I guess that’s true. I’m just nervous.”

“It’s okay to be nervous but trust me; the dude is already over the moon for you. Just take a deep breath and have fun, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Alec nodded, not exactly convinced. Sure, Magnus did seem to be super into him, but that could change, right? What if he said something offensive?

His phone chimed, breaking into his thoughts.

 “He’s here,” Alec wiped his palms on his pants. “You’re sure I look okay?”

“Yes,” Maia rolled her eyes in exasperation. “You look great, perfect, you’re beautiful.”

Alec made a face at her and texted Magnus that he was heading down now.

Maia didn’t even acknowledge him, already having turned her attention back to her essay.

“All right, I’m heading out.”

“Use protection!” Maia called out after him, not even taking her eyes off her laptop.

Alec shook his head, closed the door behind him, and took the steps two at a time. He wasn’t even surprised that Magnus’ car seemed to be a direct mirror image of his personality. It was some sports model convertible, flashy just like he expected, but painted a deep charcoal grey.

Magnus got out of the car as he approached and opened the passenger door for him.

“You look great.” He smiled at him.

Alec allowed his eyes to track over Magnus, “You too.”

He was dressed in something a bit more subdued, for Magnus anyway. A button-down in some type of shimmery fabric, paired with dark trousers and loafers that were of course decked out in rhinestones. Somehow, he made it work without looking like a card sharp.

Magnus’ smile widened as he closed the door and hurried around to the other side. “I hope you’re okay with Thai. I didn’t know what you liked so.”

“It’s fine,” Alec hurried to say, then added belatedly, “I like Thai food.”

Knowing that he’d never actually had Thai food before but he’d said it because it seemed like the kind of thing you were supposed to say.

“Good.” Magnus fiddled with the radio for a minute before settling on some top 40s station. Alec wasn’t the biggest fan of whatever pop star was currently whining through the speakers but it was quiet enough that he didn’t mind.

With the top of the convertible down, it was nearly impossible to hold a conversation. Not like Alec really minded.

It was nice seeing the buildings lit up in the evening glow as the sun continued its westward descent. The wind carried the sharp scent of brine and almost made it seem like they were driving down a highway somewhere in California. It was a nice image and he wondered if he’d ever get the chance to do that someday.

Magnus for his part was completely focused on the road and to Alec’s relief, a much safer driver than Maia. Even though he seemed to enjoy racing the other drivers on the road, which would be terrifying except he never seemed to lose control of the car in the process.

It also seemed like his car was a manual and Magnus never faltered as he smoothly changed gears. Alec reflected that he would never have been able to keep track of all of the pedals and levers it would take to do that.

They pulled up to the restaurant and of course, Magnus could parallel park on the first try.

Like before, he held Alec’s door open for him and extended his arm.

Alec flushed, but took it and allowed himself to be led to the door.

The hostess asked if they had a reservation and was nothing but professional as she led them to their seats.

Thankfully, they were somewhat away from the rest of the dinner crowd, tucked away behind lush planters on the restaurant’s patio.

Soft music filtered out from somewhere Alec couldn’t see and he felt flustered as Magnus pulled his chair out for him.

He tucked an errant strand of hair behind his ear as he hesitantly sat down. “You know, you don’t have to keep doing that.”

Magnus seemed nonplussed as he took his own seat. “I don’t have to but I want to. You don’t do this a lot, do you?”

Alec flicked his gaze up to meet Magnus’ bemused expression. “Not usually, no.”

“That’s a shame,” He mused.

Alec’s brow knitted in confusion, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Before Magnus could respond, they were interrupted by the arrival of their waiter.

Magnus ordered wine, asking Alec if he was okay with that, which, whatever Magnus had rattled off sounded good enough to him. All of this was so new. Usually the guys he went out with were assholes and didn’t much care about his opinion about anything, or treated him like he couldn’t possibly know what he wanted. It was strange to have someone treating him like well, like a gentleman. Magnus, he thought, was an odd mix of contradictions. At once brash and outspoken, but also soft and attentive, at least to him at any rate. And, Alec noted, the staff as well.

He treated the waiter with deference and thanked him as he walked away.

Alec studied Magnus’ face as he bent to look at the menus the waiter had left on the tabletop.

Magnus looked up from the menu and caught his eye. “What is it?”

“It’s just,” Alec said, “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

Magnus’ lips curled up in a salacious grin, “Flattery will get you everywhere.”

Alec flushed, “I-I wasn’t – I mean”

“It’s okay,” Magnus soothed him, “I was just kidding. But also, thank you. For the record, I’ve never met anyone like you before either.”

Alec’s flush deepened. Surely that couldn’t be true. He didn’t know much about Magnus but he knew enough to know that he had to have met dozens of people before him. Alec couldn’t be the odd one out among so many others.

“I’m serious,” Magnus continued. “You are…an enigma, intriguing.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.”

“Oh, I am very serious,” Magnus said. “From the moment I met you, I was immediately enchanted. I had gone out to collect some samples, maybe even get some sun in, I don’t know. I had never seen anyone in that part of the beach before – “

He was cut off by the waiter coming back with their drinks. Again, he looked to Alec for permission before ordering for both of them, in Thai no less, flawlessly. The waiter nodded several times, smiled, and then was gone.

Alec shook his head, only belatedly realizing that Magnus had been speaking to the waiter in Thai this whole time. Just who the hell was this guy?

Magnus took a sip of his wine and then picked up the thread of his sentence. As if nothing unusual had happened, which, granted, it really hadn’t. But, then again, it wasn’t like Alec knew anyone else who could speak Thai.

“At any rate. I had never seen anyone in that part of the beach before. Imagine my surprise when I saw you floating out in the water. At first, I thought that you were dead.”

“I told you before, I was drifting.” Alec protested.

Magnus grinned wickedly, “It looked more like drowning to me.”

“I wasn’t drowning until you scared me half to death.” Alec laughed. Even he couldn’t take this conversation seriously.

“Semantics,” Magnus waved his hand, “As I was saying though. I thought you were dead. I was afraid I was going to have to call the Coast Guard or something but imagine my surprise when you were very much alive and very much pissed at being interrupted.”

Alec reddened, “Yeah, sorry if I was a bit rude.”

Magnus took another drink and shook his head. “On the contrary. You were so…well fiery I guess is the best word and just like that I was a goner.”

“So you go for all the guys who are rude to you?”

“Only the cute ones,” Magnus shot back.

Alec shook his head, taking a drink in lieu of responding. It was still strange to him that a person like Magnus was even sitting here talking to him.

“You don’t even see it, do you?”

Alec looked up. “See what?”

“You are gorgeous,” Magnus murmured. “All of these people in here can’t take their eyes off you. But I’m the luckiest out of all of them because for some reason I can’t figure out, you agreed to be here with me.”

Alec studied his face, searching for any hint of a lie, but his expression was open. It seemed like Magnus at least believed what he was saying. “Well, you should know, you’re gorgeous too. It’s like I can’t believe this is real.”

Alec had never really understood the meaning of seeing a person light up until that moment, as he watched Magnus’ expression. And just like that, he realized that he’d never really had a choice in the matter when it came to this. He’d been gone over Magnus since that first conversation.

His heart flipped in his chest as he realized the feeling lurking in the back of his mind had been the ever slow creep of anxiety. Now, it was as if that was little more than background noise. It didn’t really make sense, no, but when you knew you just knew.

And no matter how much his brain was screaming at him to not let himself do this, keep himself safe and protected the way he’d always done, this time he knew he couldn’t do that. There was something about Magnus that made him want to defy all the carefully built defences he’d garnered over the years. Something in the way that he was looking at him in the light of the lanterns was the stuff he’d only ever read about in stories.

He’d never believed that anyone would ever look at him like that. Like he was something precious, worthwhile.

Without realizing he was doing it, Alec set his hand on the table and as if bidden by that, Magnus brought his hand up and intertwined their fingers.

“You should know,” He said. “That I have never felt this way about anyone.”

“Me either,” Alec replied softly.

Just then, the waiter brought their food and bent to say something to Magnus. Magnus’ eyes widened comically and the waiter gave him a mischievous smirk in parting.

“What did he say?”

“He said,” Magnus cleared his throat, “He said that uh, that you are very beautiful and also some very…crude things that should not be discussed in polite company.”

Alec laughed as he helped Magnus with the dishes. He had no idea what any of it was but he allowed Magnus to put a little bit of everything on his plate.

“For the record I um,” Magnus cleared his throat again, “I’m not really expecting any of…that.”

Alec had thought it was impossible for Magnus to get flustered but here was the proof before his eyes. He nodded in acknowledgment and decided to veer the subject in a different direction to spare him.

“So I know you said you’re a marine biologist but are you still in school or?”

Magnus seemed to breathe an audible sigh of relief. “Yes, I’m in my third year of my Ph.D. I expect I’ll probably have another year to work on it and I’ve already gotten a position offer when I finish my degree.”

“That’s exciting.”

“Yes. I’m um, I’m very passionate about the environment as you might expect.”

“I kinda guessed that based on the whole toxicology angle,” Alec said. “So um, where do you go to school?”

“Oh right,” Magnus said. “I didn’t tell you this, I guess it didn’t really occur to me at the time but I actually go to school in New York.”

Alec paused, “You do?”

“Yes,” Magnus nodded, “It’s actually a very strange coincidence. You told me the name of your school and I knew it sounded familiar. So, I asked my friend Cat about it, and well it turns out it’s only twenty minutes away from where my university is.”

Alec swallowed. “That is – okay I’m not going to lie that is so weird.”

“I tend to agree.” Magnus chuckled. “All this time that I’ve been living there and I’ve never met you. Hell, I’ve even given guest lectures there and I never put two and two together.”

“I’ve never even seen you before, but I guess that makes sense in a weird way.”

“Yes, I don’t make it a habit of visiting the pre-med buildings. But I can’t help imagining it’s like one of those stories you hear about where someone is visiting somewhere and they take a photo. Then, years later they meet someone and it turns out that person was in the background of the photo on the same exact day.”

Alec was quiet as he tried to process. “I’m sorry it’s just – this is insane.”

He laughed, shaking his head. “I guess the universe works in some really strange ways.”

“Indeed it does,” Magnus smiled at him charmingly. “So tell me something else about you? What do you like to do for fun?”

Alec shrugged. “Well, I’m a huge fitness nerd. I attend mixed martial arts classes on the weekends and I actually enjoy running. Sometimes I go to the gym but it kinda makes me feel like a hamster on a wheel.”

Magnus leered at him. “That is good to know. I’m not exactly a fitness person but as it so happens, I also like attending mixed martial arts classes occasionally. But I have to say that I’m more a fan of yoga.”

Alec tried very hard to tamp down on the thoughts that brought up.

Magnus was looking at him like he knew exactly the turn his thoughts had just taken.

Alec cleared his throat. “So uh, what about you?”

“Well,” Magnus tapped the side of his glass thoughtfully, “I am a very big music fan. That is the one thing I inherited from my father I suppose. Well that, and his frankly impressive collection of records. My grandparents had been holding onto them for years and then gave them to me, said I needed something of my parents.”

“What kind of music?”

“All kinds. If it has a good beat and a great melody, well, or if it’s artistically creative.” He shrugged. “So I guess that means just about anything. I could show you some of my favorites if you’d like.”

Alec wasn’t that inexperienced that he didn’t note the blatant suggestion in that statement. He thought about what Maia said, about taking chances.

He nodded, “I’d like that.”

Magnus called the waiter over who packed the rest of the food into neat boxes and brought them the check. Before Alec could move to grab his wallet, Magnus was already putting his credit card into the billfold.

Alec tried protesting, saying he could help pay for it but Magnus wouldn’t hear any of it. When the waiter came back, Magnus signed the receipt with a flourish and tucked his credit card back into his wallet. He got to his feet and, just like at the beginning of the evening, pulled Alec’s chair for him and held out his arm. Alec took it gingerly.

They were quiet as they walked back to the car.

Alec refused to let Magnus open the door for him and shooed him around to the driver’s side.

Magnus turned on the radio again and it filled the space between them. Whatever it was suited the atmosphere of driving through a beach town in the early evening darkness.

It was that time of night when families were hurrying back to their hotels and the younger crowd was coming out in droves to invade the night scene. As they drove down the avenue, Alec noted no small number of neon signs that advertised cheap booze, sticky floors, and terrible cover bands.

He was glad that they were forgoing all of them and turning onto the quieter street he remembered driving along two nights prior.

Magnus pulled into the carport and parked. “I can’t say it’s anything like my place back in New York but it does the job for a couple of weeks anyway.”

Alec shrugged, “I’m sure it’s fine. Trust me; it’s probably twice the size of my studio.”

Magnus laughed. “Well, I’m sure that’s true enough. I remember what that was like.”

Alec got out and followed him up the steps. A porch light shone dimly illuminating the stairs and the doorway in reddish amber. Small moths decorated the top of the light and fluttered distractedly above their heads as Magnus unlocked the door.

“Shoes off, please.”

Obediently, Alec kicked off his shoes in the entryway and attempted to look past his shoulder to see into the condo. Not like he could see much with all the lights off.

Magnus hung up his keys and flicked on light switches as he walked. “I’ll be just a minute. Make yourself at home.”

Now that the lights were on, he could see a living room. Somewhat smaller than the one in Jordan’s parents’ place, but still spacious. The floors were linoleum; probably a wise investment considering it was mostly interns staying there during the summer. The furniture itself was plain, neutral colors.

A sofa and love seat huddled in an L-shape along two edges of the threadbare carpet. In between, them was a squat wooden coffee table. On it lay a dog-eared paperback and a handful of coasters.

There was also an old-school entertainment system that took up the entirety of the far wall. It housed a frankly imposing flat-screen and its shelves were overflowing with what looked like the world’s largest DVD collection. Along the bottom shelf were more paperbacks, though the spines were so frayed he couldn’t tell what they were.

All in all, it gave off a feeling of being lived in at the same time as evidencing that most of its residents were transients.

Alec settled onto the sofa and took out his phone to text Maia where he was. Of course, she sent back no small number of winky faces and eggplants.

He chose not to respond and instead turned to pick up the paperback on the coffee table. It was, not surprisingly, a phytoplankton and other marine flora and fauna guide.

“Ah yes, I suppose I shouldn’t leave my research materials just laying around like that,” Magnus said, setting what looked like an extremely old record player on an end table wedged between the two couches.

Startled, Alec let the book fall to the table. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“It’s quite all right,” Magnus waved a hand dismissively, “I’m afraid that’s not the most exciting reading material, though. If you want that, there’s some hmm interesting novellas on that bottom shelf. You’d be surprised at what people will leave behind.”

He padded into the kitchen, visible behind a large bar that separated it from the living room area, and reached into a cupboard beside the refrigerator.

“I’m afraid my only options right now are a Moscato or I can try and make a cocktail.”

“The wine is fine.”

Magnus nodded and poured two glasses, bringing them into the living room and handing one to Alec.

Alec wondered if he’d let their fingers brush together on purpose, but Magnus was already turning away before he could dwell on that thought for too long, setting his glass on the coffee table and bending to rummage through a magazine rack tucked underneath the end table that Alec hadn’t noticed before.

He seemed to find what he was looking for and took the record out of its sleeve, laying it on the turntable. As soon as he set the needle in the groove, soft music wafted out of the aged speakers. Smooth jazz floated into the room, the notes of the saxophone seeming to take on a life of their own, hovering in the air.

“Hmm, this one is one of my favorites.” Magnus mused. He turned to Alec and extended a hand. “Dance with me.”

Alec shook his head. “Oh no, I-I don’t dance.”

“Everyone can dance,” Magnus replied. “Come on.”

Alec considered his proffered hand and hesitantly took it. Magnus clasped his fingers gently and waited for him to set his glass on the coffee table.

He drew him into a clear part of the room and let his arm encircle his waist gently. Alec was unsure where to put his other hand and Magnus chuckled.

“Put your hand on my hip, darling.”

“Darling?” Alec asked.

“It suits you.”

Alec had never had anyone call him darling before but he found he didn’t exactly mind and did as Magnus bade him, resting his hand on Magnus’ hip.

He noted the supple feel of the fabric and the warmth of Magnus’ skin seeping up through it. He nearly drew his hand back from nervousness but forced himself to leave it where it was.

Magnus nodded, “Just like that. Now, follow my lead.”

Alec nodded back hesitantly. The scent of Magnus’ cologne swirled around them and was almost as intoxicating as the sound of the music in the background. He watched his feet to be careful of not stepping on Magnus’ but that meant that he lagged behind the beat just slightly.

“Stop thinking so much,” Magnus murmured.

Alec looked up and found the other man smiling at him, amusement dancing in his gold-green eyes.  

“If you’re worried about stepping on my feet don’t be. I can tell. You have natural grace. Stop thinking and just let your body move.”

Following Magnus’ directive, he listened for the beat again and let his body sway into it.

“That’s it.” Magnus said encouragingly, as he spun him around and drew him back in. Alec nearly stumbled but as Magnus had promised, he didn’t let him fall.

Now that he wasn’t thinking about it so much it actually wasn’t that difficult. Magnus hummed along to the dulcet tones of the jazz as they swayed and spun in circles.

The track switched to something more upbeat and Magnus flowed with the change, drawing Alec with him.

Once he’d finally got out of his head he realized it was fun and it didn’t matter if he was a bad dancer or not. It didn’t seem like Magnus really cared, making up for Alec’s stumblings with grace and never commenting on them or letting him dwell on them.

They moved closer together until Alec abruptly realized that their faces were only scant inches apart. He tipped his head up and felt the whisper of Magnus’ breath ghost over his skin.

There was a pause as they both became conscious of the intimacy of their position. That hesitancy, that expectation seemed to shimmer between them. Alec’s lips parted unconsciously as his lids closed unbidden.

Magnus stroked a gentle hand down his cheek and allowed his thumb to trace the outline of his jaw, pressing it into the hollow underneath Alec’s chin to tilt his head even farther back.

Their hands were still intertwined and Alec could feel the warm splay of Magnus’ fingers branding themselves into the skin of his lower back. Magnus used that slight pressure to coax him even closer.

Dimly, Alec was aware that the piece was reaching its crescendo, a dissonant crashing that was nowhere near as loud as the thudding of his heart in his ears. He took one breath, two, and then there was the pressure of Magnus’ lips on his.

That touch seemed to break whatever spell had been cast over them. Alec found himself spun around again, this time towards the couch.

He went willingly, tugging Magnus with him so that they landed in a tangle of limbs in its soft embrace.

The impact of it broke the kiss and Alec couldn’t help the bolt of disappointment that shot through him when Magnus pulled back. But it was only for a moment as he arranged their limbs into a more comfortable position.

The feeling of kissing Magnus was indescribable, something Alec had never experienced before. That could also be because the only people he’d had any experience in kissing were all women and it had never felt anything like this.

Like the steady hum of energy as a storm approached, crackling and roaring in the distance. The earth thrumming with anticipation as it awaited the coming rain and the heat from the lightning. Lightning that Alec swore he could feel with every stroke of Magnus’ tongue, every brush of his fingers across the bare skin of his arms, as they swept up to cup the back of his head again.

Hesitantly, Alec returned Magnus’ touch. He was curious to see if Magnus’ hair was as soft as it looked and now that he was sweeping his hand through it, he could confirm that it was. He let his other hand settle on Magnus’ waist. Magnus hummed his approval as he drew back to press warm kisses down the column of Alec’s throat, then back up to his lips.

The storm was now cresting the horizon, the thunder rumbling and the rain lashing down. The earth was heaving in the thrall of it. Alec felt just as taken, as overcome by Magnus. He was everywhere. His scent, his taste, the rasp of callused hands. Alec couldn’t help but open himself up greedily for the rain.

He’d spent his whole life wandering in the desert, never even knowing that he needed it at all. He felt parched and thirsty, wanting.

He felt out of control, something that should’ve been terrifying but wasn’t. Because he knew that Magnus was anchoring him, keeping him from flying apart at the seams. How he could trust someone so deeply who he’d only just met, he had no clue. But he knew, as much as he knew that there was such a thing as inertia and gravity, that he could trust this man.

This man who was such a mystery, could apparently speak three or more languages, was a music aficionado, and undoubtedly cradled Alec’s heart in his hands. But he wasn’t rushing. It seemed that Magnus had meant what he’d said earlier. He was making no moves to take this any further, which Alec appreciated, he really did.

But he’d waited long enough, he didn’t know if he could wait anymore. He pulled back and Magnus let him, opening his eyes slowly and looking down at him in confusion.

“What is it?” He rasped.

“It’s just,” Alec toyed with the ends of Magnus’ hair, “I want…”

He trailed off, not entirely sure how to finish that thought.

“Want what?” Magnus asked, brows furrowed, “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Alec cleared his throat, embarrassed. He avoided Magnus’ gaze. “That’s the problem I – I guess I don’t know what I want. I’ve um, I’ve never done this before.”

Magnus shook his head. “This? Do you mean as in a relationship or sex?”

Was he really going to make him spell it out? Never mind, Alec changed his mind, this was a huge mistake. He should just get his shoes and convince Maia to pick him up and –

“Hey,” Magnus said, sitting back and drawing Alec with him. He wrapped his arms around Alec’s waist, effectively making sure that he couldn’t run away. “Talk to me. I promise I won’t laugh at you.”

Alec ducked his head, “Ugh, this is so embarrassing.”

Magnus smoothed circles into his upper back. “I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“When – when I said I hadn’t ever done this. I mean – I’ve never done any of this. Like a relationship or sex, or, or”

“Whoah, whoah,” Magnus stilled his tirade, “Hey, it’s okay, I promise. See? I’m not laughing.”

Alec risked a glance at Magnus’ face and saw that he wasn’t laughing at all.

“Trust me, I wouldn’t laugh at you about something like that,” Magnus said soothingly. “But I do have to ask, are you sure? I could call Maia and she could come get you or I could take you home?”

“No,” Alec said firmly. “I – I want this. But I’m um, I’m not sure what to do.”

“That’s okay,” Magnus said again. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. How about this? We start out slow and at any point you want me to stop, you just say so.”

Alec nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

Magnus let his arms drop and gently pushed him. “Well, in that case, I don’t think the couch is the best place for this.”

“Oh, right,” Alec got to his feet awkwardly. Magnus fixed him with an amused expression and took his hand, squeezing his fingers gently.

Magnus led him down the semi-darkened hallway, past several closed doors and to one that was slightly ajar.

He pushed it open and turned to Alec, smiling sheepishly. “Excuse the mess. I uh, I wasn’t exactly expecting company.”

Clothes were scattered over a small chest of drawers and a desk chair, but other than that, the place was basically spotless. The covers were pulled tightly over the bed and shoes were lined neatly underneath it. Alec wondered if this was a mess what did Magnus consider clean?

“It’s not that bad.” He assured him.

“That’s nice of you to say, but” Magnus shook his head, cutting himself off “At any rate, I suppose that’s not exactly important right now. Is it okay if I turn off the overhead light?”

Alec nodded and Magnus flicked it off. It submerged the room into semi-darkness, lit only by a solitary lamp standing vigil on the desk pushed into one corner. He looked around the room for a second to steady his nerves and walked determinedly towards the bed, sitting on the edge of it.

Magnus made no move to join him. Instead, he crossed to the desk and set his rings onto it. In a move that Alec was sure was entirely deliberate, Magnus half-turned towards him and began undoing the buttons on his shirt.

Alec was not ashamed to admit that he was utterly transfixed. Watching as nimble fingers slid the tiny buttons through and moving onto the next. To his disappointment, Magnus stopped with only half of them unbuttoned, but it still gave a tantalizing view.

One that Alec was sure, again, was completely on purpose. Magnus was still making no attempt to join him and had moved onto his earrings. Alec began to grow frustrated, before he realized that what he had thought of as being just a tease, was well, yeah that, but also Magnus still allowing him an out. One he had no intention of taking.

Alec didn’t know who this person was, but all he did know was that he wanted all of Magnus’ attention and he wanted it now. He wanted Magnus to want him the way that he did the other man. He wondered if it was always like this or were his hormones just making him crazy?

He decided that he actually didn’t care one way or the other.

He studied Magnus’ profile in the lamplight as he lingered over undoing the clasp on his left earring. He knew Magnus could see him out of the corner of his eye and deliberately began to toy with the hem of his sweater.

He drew it up slightly; showing off the black of his undershirt, then drew it higher until he could pull it over his head. He tossed it to the floor much the same way he imagined a dueller threw down their glove.

Magnus turned fully at the gesture and gave him an assessing look. Alec pushed down the nerves that suddenly fluttered to life and met his gaze full on.

“I must say, you are always full of surprises Alec.” The other man turned to set his earring on the desk and paced across the room so that he was standing in front of Alec. Gently, he took Alec’s face between his palms, “I want to be completely sure. Are you still okay with this?”

In lieu of an answer, Alec pulled Magnus down into a kiss. Magnus let him for a moment, before drawing back with a slight chuckle. “I’ll take that as a yes.”  

“Just shut up and kiss me.”

Magnus laughed, “Sir yes – “

Alec cut him off by kissing him again before he could finish the comment. Magnus returned the kiss easily. The storm that had been threatening overhead was now crashing down. Lightning raced through his veins as he let Magnus press him down into the bed.

It arced, invisible, just under his skin. Static shooting into his nerves with every brush of Magnus’ lips and every caress of his palms.

Alec wasn’t sure how, but somehow they were both now laying completely pressed together. Once he became conscious of their position, some of his earlier apprehension began to return. He wasn’t entirely sure where to put his hands. What if he made a weird noise? Did Magnus care about the way his shampoo smelled?

“You’re thinking too much again,” Magnus murmured against his lips.

“I can’t help it.” Alec breathed back. “I don’t – I don’t know what to do.”

Magnus kissed him, slow and deep. “There’s no instruction manual, darling. Just do whatever feels right.”

Hesitantly, Alec allowed one palm to settle between Magnus’ shoulder blades as he let the other bury itself in his hair again. He didn’t know what was up with his fascination with Magnus’ hair but the other man didn’t seem to mind. Alec tugged on the strands idly as he tried desperately to shut his brain off. Because kissing Magnus was…nice, actually.

He didn’t really have anything to compare it to but even if he had, he would say that there was no one who could kiss like this. Kissing Magnus was like standing underneath a sheet of water while thunder rumbled all around. It washed out all noise. It crackled with something akin to the feeling of being in extreme danger. As if he was standing too close to something that very well might be the end of him but he couldn’t be bothered to care because it was so exhilarating.

Magnus, for his part, didn’t seem to be complaining about what Alec viewed as his mediocre kissing skills. In fact, he realized, at the same time as he was showing Alec how good it could feel, he was also showing him what he liked. A little bit of tongue, but not too much. A slight nip of teeth at his top lip, but not too hard.

That he liked it when Alec traced the seam of his lips with his tongue. Alec filed all these things away as their kisses grew longer, even deeper than before. Both of them pressed so tightly together as if they could sink inside each other. Subconsciously, he let his legs fall open wider, inviting Magnus in even closer. The first time he felt the hard press of Magnus’ erection against his thigh he froze.

Magnus immediately backed off with a murmured apology but Alec gripped his hips and pulled him in again. The sensation wasn’t unwelcome, just surprising. This, this was completely different from their makeout session on the couch the other day. He wasn’t sure what to do with all of the emotions flying around inside of him.

It was a bit overwhelming, this almost carnal need, something he’d never felt before. He’d never wanted anyone the way he did Magnus right now. He’d never indulged in the idea of sex. There was always way too much going on and what did he need another person for when he had his left hand?

His instinctive reaction, as always, was to shut the feelings down. A firm ignore, ignore, nope no one’s home, I can’t come to the phone right now. But for the first time that he could remember, he didn’t want to ignore the way he was feeling. Nameless feelings that made him feel wild and out of control. As much a part of the storm as Magnus.

Like he was being drawn into the middle of the hurricane, but simultaneously anchored and safe in the eye of it. Even as his emotions made him teeter and swirl, buffeted as if by the wind, Magnus was still a firm presence above him, grounding him.

Murmuring reassurances as he pressed sloppy kisses down the column of Alec’s throat. Alec tilted his head back, an instinctive need to chase the pleasure those lips left behind. Little kisses that rained like fire, making him gasp, and then moan as Magnus sucked a dark bruise into his collarbone.

Or he was pretty sure it was going to bruise, but he couldn’t think past the all-consuming pleasure that blanked out any rational thought at the sting of teeth on sensitive skin. All he knew was the need for more.

He might’ve voiced that thought out loud, or subconsciously, it didn’t seem to matter though as Magnus drew back and swiftly undid the rest of the buttons on his shirt and threw it to the floor. Before urging Alec to sit up so he could do the same to Alec’s undershirt. Then, they were kissing again, and Magnus was urging him to roll over so that Alec was on top.

Magnus canted his knee so that it pressed into Alec’s cock and he let out a loud, keening moan. He clamped a hand across his mouth as Magnus pressed harder, making him feel like he was losing his mind. How could this feel so good when they still had their clothes on? Didn’t sex mean getting naked or whatever?

But this felt like what he’d always heard sex was supposed to be like. Any further thoughts he might’ve had were drowned out as Magnus cradled his hips between slender palms and encouraged him to grind against where his knee was pressed between his thighs.

More embarrassing sounds leaked out from behind his hand, but Alec couldn’t have stopped them even if he tried.

Magnus circled his wrist gently and drew his hand away from his mouth. “Don’t be embarrassed. You’re so sexy.”

Sexy? Alec had always thought of himself as a lot of things but that wasn’t one of them.

But as he looked down into Magnus’ even gaze while he chased his pleasure, he couldn’t deny that Magnus looked well, wrecked. As if he was the one flying apart at the seams as he watched Alec above him. His pupils blown wide, nearly encompassing the gold-green of his irises.

“You have no idea, Alec,” Magnus murmured. “You are. Sexy. Gorgeous. Fuck you don’t even know what you’re doing to me do you?”

Alec whined, the praise doing something crazy to his body. Making little bolts of pleasure shoot down his spine and straight to his dick.

Letting Alec’s wrist drop from his grasp, Magnus moved his hand back to Alec’s hip and tugged. Surprised, Alec fell forward slightly, his palms coming to rest on Magnus’ chest, and oh God he was going to die, he was pretty sure this was the end. All that golden skin, and the play of Magnus’ muscles as he slotted their hips together. And the feeling of Magnus’ cock against his own, even through his denim and boxers, made him let out another embarrassingly loud moan.

“That’s it. Mm Alec you’re making me crazy.” Magnus reclined his head back against the pillows and urged Alec to move faster. “Can’t believe – nnn! – you trust me like this. Could have anyone and – that’s it darling – and you chose me. Wanted you from the moment I saw you. God those hands do you have any idea how many inappropriate thoughts I’ve had about them?”

How on earth could Magnus be talking right now when Alec felt like he couldn’t breathe, let alone speak? All he could was moan and writhe against Magnus, digging sharp half-moon shapes into his chest as he edged closer to orgasm. His dick was leaking inside his boxers, and he was pretty sure there was a wet spot on his jeans but if they stopped now to take them off then he was definitely sure he would die.

“Or your lips? Wanted to kiss you right then and there. Mm – and then you started talking and you were so smart. If you had asked me to, I would’ve got down on my knees right then and there.”

Alec was coming before he even knew what was happening. Undone by the image of Magnus between his legs, those plush lips wrapped around his cock. His vision darkened at the edges and he had no idea if he was making any noise at all at this point. The only thing that existed was pleasure. Distantly, he felt Magnus seize underneath him but even that was drowned out by the roaring in his ears.

When Alec came back to himself, he was laying on Magnus’ bed, Magnus a warm press along his back.

The soft press of lips against his neck tickled and he pushed half-heartedly at the other man.

“Welcome back.”

“How long was I out for?”

“A while,” Magnus replied. “Maia called.”

“Oh shit,” Alec cursed, “I’m such a terrible friend, I should-“

“Relax. I told her that you were okay. She said something about a Skype call with Jordan?”

“Gross,” Alec wrinkled his nose and gently swatted Magnus’ thigh.

Magnus laughed. “Well, if it makes you feel any better she seemed pretty interested in why I was answering your phone.”

“That’s none of her business,” Alec grumbled half-heartedly. Not like he was really mad that Maia was asking. They’d probably end up talking about it later anyway.

“Why do I feel like that’s not entirely true?”

Alec smothered his face in a pillow rather than replying to Magnus’ question.

He sighed dramatically, “Okay, okay. Let’s talk about something else. How are you feeling?”

Alec considered the question and realized he felt good, well great might be closer to the truth. Except, yeah, slightly sticky, which was gross. “Sticky.”

His reply was muffled, given that he still had his face buried in the pillow.

Magnus laughed again. “Be serious with me. You don’t feel weird or – “

Alec half-turned to look at Magnus. “Nothing happened that I didn’t want to happen. Besides, we kept on most of our clothes.”

Magnus leveled him with a serious look. “Sex doesn’t have to involve taking your clothes off, Alec. I don’t want to be lecturing or anything. I just – I just don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

“Magnus,” Alec said patiently, “I mean – I – I guess I know that or I mean I’m learning that it’s not just you know insert part A into slot B. Sorry, that was crude. Uh, but seriously. I – I really liked it. And uh – I – I don’t regret it and I don’t feel like you pressured me into anything.”

His face reddened as he stuttered out something that he hoped was at least vaguely coherent.  

“Okay. Was there anything you didn’t like?”

Alec shook his head. He shot up as he realized something. “Oh my God, I’m terrible. I didn’t even ask you if you ya know.”

He made a gesture with his hand that made Magnus’ face twist into a grimace and then let out a loud guffaw. He smoothed a hand down Alec’s thigh and pressed him back down. “Don’t worry about that. Trust me, I definitely got there too. Even if I hadn’t, this was about you.”

Alec shook his head stubbornly. “Yeah, but – “

“It’s okay, darling. It’s sweet of you to ask but it really is okay, okay?”

He waited until Alec nodded reluctantly and then kissed him softly. “You really are very sweet. And just so you know, while we’re talking about this, I– I never want to make you do something you’re not ready for.”

Alec studied Magnus’ face for a moment. “You didn’t. Seriously.”

Magnus returned his searching gaze and finally nodded. As if something in it had given him the reassurance that he was looking for.

Alec turned around fully and gently traced the outline of Magnus’ cheekbone. “Um I mean – I guess what I’m trying to ask – uh did I, you know, did I do anything weird?”

“Why on earth would you ask a question like that?”

“I guess – I guess I don’t really know how these things are supposed to go. I’m always worried about things like that.”

“Alec,” Magnus began, and then paused, “Let me tell you, nothing that you did was weird, okay? I know it might be hard for you to believe but I wasn’t just giving you pretty words.”

He propped himself up on one elbow and captured Alec’s hand, bringing it to his lips and pressing a kiss into the center of his palm. “You really are beautiful. Sexy. Smart as hell. The only flaw that I can see is that you can’t see all of the amazing things about yourself.”

Alec shook his head.

“I don’t know who convinced you that you aren’t amazing, but they were wrong. Let me be completely clear here, I want to be with you. I want to see where this goes. As I said earlier, it’s – it’s rare for me to ever feel this way about someone. You make me feel things that I never thought I could again. I hope – that is if you’ll have me, that maybe I would like to try with you?”

Staring at Magnus, he wondered if he really had become Icarus. Could he really believe that his wings would hold him aloft if he let himself stray this close to the sun? Could he convince himself to bask in the warmth that Magnus was offering him?

Was there some catch to this? Some fine print in the contract that meant, eventually, his artificial wings would melt and weaken and send him flying, crashing, back to the earth?

In all his life he’d always believed that he was meant to wander forever, flightless, condemned to the earth. Like Cain who’d murdered his brother Able. Cursed and marked to be alone for the rest of eternity. He’d never thought for an instant that there might be someone who would lift him from that cold, dark place.

It seemed almost too good to be true. If he did agree to this, would Magnus walk away just like his father had done? His mother? If he let him in, did that mean that Magnus would learn his weaknesses and use them to destroy him? Would his own irrational need for reassurance fracture their relationship and drive them apart?

All of these things he thought in the span of one breath and the next as Magnus gazed down at him earnestly. He knew in that moment, just like Icarus and just like Cain, he was only a man. And he had been lonely for so long.

Tempted by the first rays of the dawn, he couldn’t help but turn towards it. Because it felt for the first time like he was finally waking up. Like there was something more to his life than just an endless repetition of work and sleep and school.

Maybe, maybe, there could be something more to this thing, if only he was brave enough to allow himself to have it. And that was really the crux of it, wasn’t it? It wasn’t courage that made him shut everyone out. Maia was right.

The thing he was the most afraid of was being seen for who he really was. Of being vulnerable and letting someone else see all his broken pieces.

So, he said the most honest thing he’d said to anyone aside from Maia and Neela since the day he’d walked out of his parents’ house at eighteen. “I want to. But – but I’m scared.”

“Oh Alec,” Magnus whispered. “Don’t you understand? I also feel vulnerable. I’m scared too.”

“You are?”

“Of course I am, darling.”

It didn’t make sense in retrospect. Why did he ever think that he was the only person that could be afraid of these things welling up between the two of them? If he felt overwhelmed, then wouldn’t it make sense that Magnus did too?

“Oh,” Alec replied dumbly. “I guess – I guess I never thought that you’d be afraid too. It seems kind of silly now that I think about it.”

“It’s not silly, Alec. I know I make it seem like I have everything together, but the truth is I’m just really good at pretending. And with you, I don’t know. I wanted to impress you.”

Magnus looked almost chagrined and Alec stared at him, surprised. “Impress me?!”

“I know. I mean – I see now that you aren’t the type of person to fall for those kinds of things. But from the moment when I first met you, I knew I had to make you mine. Or, if nothing else, I wanted to get to know you. Be somehow a part of your life. It was weird and strange. It made no sense. And I kept hoping that I would see you again.

You were just so I don’t know how else to say it but captivating. It almost seemed like fate when we ran into each other. I was sure that if one time had been an accident, then twice was no coincidence. I knew that I had to stop trying to avoid what I was feeling and allow myself to put myself out there again. And you were, to be honest still are, so beautiful and you have so much potential and honesty and bravery inside of you. I was not sure how I could compare or measure up to all of that.”

Alec shook his head. “Magnus, I don’t have a way with words like you do, but you should know. I – well you don’t have to measure up to anything. I’m not anything special and even if I was, which I’m not, you are good enough all by yourself. You don’t have to go out of your way to try to impress me. Being who you are well, that’s more than enough.”

Now it was Magnus’ turn to look at him with surprise. He seemed taken aback almost as he continued to cradle Alec’s palm loosely.

When after a few moments, he still didn’t say anything, Alec frowned. “I’m sorry did I do something wrong?”

“No such thing,” Magnus said softly. “It’s just – that’s probably one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me. You are just – you have no idea how wonderful you are.”

Alec smiled wryly. “I’m not that great, you’ll find out.”

“That’s where I think you’re wrong.”

Alec shook his head again but didn’t try to argue.

Magnus finally dropped his palm and sat up. “I suppose it’s getting late.”

“Right, um do you want me to?” Alec trailed off awkwardly.

“No!” Magnus replied sharply, then continued quieter. “I mean not if you don’t want to leave. I mean if you do that’s fine too – “

“I’ll stay,” Alec cut him off gently. “I just have to tell Maia where I am. Besides, she says I drive her crazy. She can’t think in the evenings when I’m there.”

Magnus laughed. “Well, in that case, I think I can find spare clothes for you. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Alec waited until the door shut behind him before reaching for his phone that Magnus must’ve put on the nightstand. He scrolled to Maia’s contact information and clicked dial.

It rang two times before she picked up.

“You better have a damn good reason you’re calling me and not being with lover boy.”

Alec sighed. “And here I thought you would be worried about me.”

“Magnus already called,” She pointed out. “He doesn’t really give me creepy, murderer vibes. If something was wrong, he would’ve told me.”

“Well, I feel kind of bad I mean we’re supposed to be here together –“

“Alec,” She said. “I swear if you apologize for actually doing something for yourself for a change I will reach through this phone and smack you. I am fine, okay? I called Jordan. Izzy is coming over in fifteen minutes so I’m fine.”

“She is?” Alec asked, surprised.

“She sounded like she needed some girl time,” Maia replied indifferently. “Maryse seemed fine with it and I think it’ll help Izzy with everything going on.”

“Right, no that makes sense. I just don’t want to make it seem like I’m abandoning you or something.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” She scoffed. “You’ve spent the majority of the last few years with me. One night is going to be a drop in the bucket compared to that. Besides, you’re on a date with a hot guy and you still made time to call and make sure that I was okay. That would mean you’re not a bad friend Alec and you’re not abandoning me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good, now. Go get your man. Use protection or whatever. And I want details tomorrow!”

Alec laughed. “Right okay. Be safe.”

“Don’t worry so much. Now, good night.”

“Night.”

Maia hung up and Alec stared at his phone for a moment more before setting it back on the nightstand. Just in time for Magnus to knock on the door lightly and poke his head in.

“Hey, so there’s always people leaving random stuff here and they usually have spares of new things because well, interns.”

He passed Alec a bundle of clothes. “I’ll show you where the bathroom is. Do you need to get any medication or anything like that?”

Alec shook his head, standing up to follow Magnus out into the hallway. “Uh, no I think I’m okay.”

Magnus nodded and gestured to a closed door. “That one’s the bathroom. I’ll be in the other one over there.”

He gestured to another door. “Just um, yell if you need anything.”

“Okay.”

Then, he was alone. Alec stared at the balled-up clothing in his arms and wondered whose life he was living. Not only that but of all the people he could’ve randomly decided to hook up with, how many of them would’ve bothered not only making sure that he was okay but offering to allow him to use their shower?

Then again, it wasn’t like they were just hooking up. Magnus seemed to be genuinely interested in trying to make this work around their, admittedly, individually insane schedules. Sure, they lived relatively close to each other but it was still going to be challenging to juggle alongside everything else. Alec decided they would cross that bridge when they got to it.

For now, he was technically still on vacation and he would be for at least almost another week. There was plenty of time to worry about that later.

He set the clothes on the edge of the sink and was pleased to see a surprisingly wide selection of soaps and shampoos. Probably, again, because this place catered to a revolving door of interns, and Magnus’ university, from what he gathered, seemed to have pretty good funding to his department.

He stripped out of his dirty clothes and left them on the floor. He didn’t waste time, figuring it would be rude to stay in the bathroom too long.

He found toothbrushes under the sink and pilfered one, hastily brushing his teeth and then bundling his old clothes back up off the floor. The clothes Magnus had given him were a surprisingly good fit. The shirt was maybe a size too small but it would work for one night.

He walked back to Magnus’ room and found him sitting in the desk chair, brushing his hair. He looked up when Alec opened the door. “Let me finish this and then I can show you where the washer is.”

Alec nodded and tried not to stare as Magnus passed the brush through his hair with steady, even strokes. It was much longer than Alec had originally thought it was, reaching past his shoulders.

It was also a shade darker than his own and the inky strands contrasted nicely with Magnus’ golden skin. Magnus seemed oblivious of his staring problem as he finished up and strode past him back into the hallway.

Once again, Alec found himself trailing after the other man. This time to a tiny closet in the kitchen, that opened to reveal a stacked washer and dryer. Magnus waited for him to shove his clothes into the washer before adding detergent and fiddling with the, frankly alarming, number of buttons on the thing.

“I can show you to one of the other rooms if that would make you more comfortable?”

Alec shook his head. “Um, if it’s okay can I – can I stay with you?”

Magnus smiled, “Of course you can.”

He leaned in to kiss Alec’s cheek. “I just have to lock up and then I’ll be right there.”

“All right.”

Alec was left to find his own way back to Magnus' room. Even though it was tempting, he didn’t try to glance into any of the other rooms that he passed by.

He pushed the door fully open and stood awkwardly in the center of the room. Was it too presumptuous to just lie down on the bed? Then he remembered that he’d already been in that bed and had done far more presumptuous things than just lie in it so he resolutely slid under the covers and scooted closer to the wall.

He tried not to stare too much around the room, not wanting to pry into Magnus’ things. So, he kept his gaze firmly fixed on the ceiling. Which, interestingly enough, had those glow-in-the-dark stars and planets stuck to it. Whoever had done it had actually made some effort to mimic the night sky. Alec was busy trying to find Orion in the mess of stickers when Magnus came back into the room.

He followed Alec’s gaze to the ceiling and chuckled. “Yes, I’m assuming someone was extremely bored to have done that.”

“Or extremely dedicated.”

“Or that.” Magnus conceded. “Do you prefer sleeping with the lights on or off?”

“Either way,” Alec replied easily.

Magnus nodded and turned to flick off the overhead. Then moved to turn off the lamp on the desk. Now plunged in darkness, the stars seemed slightly more real. Except for the fact that they were, you know, green.

He felt the bed dip slightly as Magnus slid under the covers. He let himself be pulled back against the other man without protest. It felt nice. Being the one being held for once instead of the other way around. It required a weird kind of trust and vulnerability that he was sure would’ve made him freak out in any other circumstance but was strangely comforting now.

Magnus wasn’t Maia or Neela. But somehow, his presence was just as familiar and comforting. Alec felt himself relax and he was verging on the edge of sleep when he felt Magnus tuck his head into the crook between his neck and shoulder.

He didn’t draw away, but instead placed his hand over Magnus’ where it was draped across his stomach. He was asleep within minutes.

Chapter Text

At first, Alec was confused as to why he was unable to get up. Then, he remembered the night before and embarrassment suddenly came over him. Oh God, did Magnus think he was too eager by agreeing to sleepover?

“Stop thinking and go back to sleep,” Magnus mumbled sleepily, his breath ghosting across the nape of Alec’s neck from where he was plastered against his back. No doubt he’d been woken up by the tensing of Alec’s muscles.

“What time is it?”

“It’s not even six,” was the sleepy reply, “It’s okay. Go to sleep.”

Magnus shifted, tugging Alec with him until he was laying against Magnus’ chest. Alec wiggled until he was comfortable again and gradually began to relax. The slow, even rise and fall as Magnus took in deep breaths, lulled him back to sleep.

When he woke up again, it was to Magnus shifting him and then he heard the door to the bedroom open and close. It was still early, the sun barely peeping in through the windows. Alec realized that his body was demanding the bathroom, and soon. Reluctantly, he dragged himself out of the warmth of the bed and stumbled down the hall to where he remembered the bathroom being the night before.

Still sleepy, he stumbled back to the bedroom and burrowed underneath the blankets. Checking his phone, he saw it was only a little past seven. Way too early to be up just yet. Magnus seemed to have the same idea as he, too, stumbled back into the room and Alec moved to give him room. He found himself pulled back into Magnus’ embrace and fell into a half-doze. Content to lay there, not ready to face whatever the day held.

Magnus smoothed gentle hands up and down his back. If Alec were a cat, he was sure he would be purring.

He nuzzled at Magnus’ neck, leaving a kiss there and then another. He traced the contours of the other man’s chest with the pads of his fingers, noting the divots and curves. A scar that curved around a rib.

Magnus slid a hand up, cupping the back of his neck and pulling him in. Alec was thankful he’d thought to brush his teeth earlier. It seemed that Magnus had as well. They kissed slow and unhurried. Magnus pulled away first and laid his forehead against Alec’s.

“Morning,”

“Morning.”

Magnus was looking down at him with a soft expression. Like this, he was even more beautiful. Hair slightly tousled and the remnants of yesterday’s makeup clinging to the edges of his lashes. Alec was sure that he looked a mess. He knew exactly what his hair looked like in the morning. Magnus didn’t comment though as he levered himself up on one elbow to trace a finger down Alec’s cheek.

“I know that you’re already thinking that you look like a mess.”

Alec reddened at being caught out.

“But,” Magnus continued. “I have to say, waking up to a handsome man in my bed is the best way to wake up. Especially if that handsome man happens to be you.”

Alec’s flush deepened and he wished that he could hide from the way that Magnus was looking at him. It was a combination of the softness from earlier, a bone-deep sincerity, and open appreciation that made Alec feel nothing short of self-conscious and exposed. All his life he’d spent hiding these parts of himself away from other people. He was always in control, always. For one reason or another, and it was never possible to just be. Open and vulnerable, completely and utterly human.

Now, all of his defenses were laid bare. He couldn’t hide away from Magnus’ open display of vulnerability any more than he could shy away from the feelings it stirred inside of him. It was strange, very strange, to be seen. It was even stranger to be seen and have the other person not turn away.

Alec realized then that he’d been too caught up in thinking to reply to what Magnus had said. Before he could stutter out a reply Magnus was already talking again. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. But, eventually, I’m going to help you see yourself the way the rest of us do.”

With that, he pressed a gentle kiss to Alec’s forehead and slipped from the bed. “I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re ready.”

Alec watched as the door clicked shut behind him. He was, for once, stunned into complete and actual silence. Even his thoughts were white noise as he continued to stare at the closed door. He was surprised to feel the warm wetness of tears slipping down his cheeks.

He swiped at them and stared at the dampness on the backs of his hands in surprise. He tried to will them away, but the tears kept falling, faster now. It didn’t make sense. Why was he crying? He wasn’t sad.

Then, it hit him. He’d never, not in his entire life, had anyone who just got him. Without him having to say a single word, Magnus had understood his need for solitude. His need to be alone with the confusing bout of emotions the last few minutes had awakened inside of him. He was crying because he was happy. Had he ever cried because of a good reason? He couldn’t think of one single time.

Alec swung his legs over the edge of the bed and opened the door. When he emerged into the kitchen, Magnus was humming as he measured coffee grounds into the reservoir of the ancient-looking coffee maker sat on the bar. He wasn’t fully in charge of his body as he walked up behind the other man and blanketed his body with his own.

“Alec?” Magnus sounded confused, if not a little worried. He heard the sound of the coffee tin and a spoon being set on the counter, then Magnus was turning around.

Alec buried his face into the crook of Magnus’ neck. “Are you all right?”

The sound of Magnus’ voice was slightly muffled.

Magnus brought one hand up to stroke through his hair, as Alec mumbled out. “I’m more than all right.”

“Are you,” Magnus pushed him back gently and framed his face with his palms, “Are you crying? Alec I – “

Alec shook his head and couldn’t help but chuckle at the consternation on the other man’s face. “I know. I know. I’m not crying ‘cause I’m sad. I’m crying because I’m happy.”

Relief crossed over Magnus’ features as he smiled. “Happy about what?”

“I don’t know. I just – I’m happy and it’s – it’s the weirdest feeling in the world.”

Now it was Magnus’ turn to laugh, “It’s okay to be happy, darling.”

He drew Alec in and kissed him softly. Using the pads of his thumbs, he brushed away the wetness on Alec’s cheeks.

As Magnus turned away again, Alec stepped back to let him work and took a seat at the bar. He wondered whether or not Magnus really got it. There were a lot of emotions that Alec was used to feeling, but happiness wasn’t one of them. Even in times in his life where he’d thought he’d been happy, it had never felt anything close to this. This almost surreal contentment with his existence and living in the moment instead of being trapped in the confines of the past or the expectations of the future.

He watched Magnus finish up with the coffee, humming idly to himself as he bent to rummage in the fridge. Alec realized that maybe this whole relationship thing wasn’t so bad after all and maybe it didn’t matter if Magnus completely got it or not. He’d already shown that he was willing to try to understand him and that he was willing to respect his boundaries. It was unfair to expect Magnus to know every single thing about him at this point. He certainly didn’t know everything about the other man. The thing that was important was that he hoped someday he would.

Alec wasn’t sure if he believed in the idea of soulmates, but he definitely believed in the idea that there were people in life you were supposed to meet for one reason or another. Maia was one of those people and so was Neela. But, he never imagined that he’d ever really meet a person like that who could also be a romantic partner. He watched the people around him flit in and out of relationships, always feeling somehow apart from all of it. It seemed strange, even now, to think of himself as the type of person who could be in a relationship. It was still hard to believe that despite everything, Magnus wanted to make this work, wanted to be with him.

But, he couldn’t deny the fluttery feeling in his stomach as he watched the sunlight play across Magnus’ features or the fondness that welled up inside him as he listened to Magnus talk idly to himself while putting bread in the toaster. So, yeah, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

They ate breakfast in relative quiet, the silence almost like a spell that both of them were afraid to break. Alec couldn’t deny that he was sad when he looked at the time and realized it was almost 9. He was supposed to be meeting Izzy around 11 and well, he didn’t feel like being late to probably one of the last times he would be able to see his family before having to go back to New York.

He knew that they each had their individual responsibilities, but wouldn’t it be nice to stay right here in this moment for just a little while longer?

So, it was with no amount of reluctance that he got dressed in his clothes from yesterday and waited for Magnus to get ready.

He texted Maia to let her know he would be heading back soon and scrolled through Twitter. He looked up when he heard Magnus re-enter the room.

“Should I wear the red one or the black one?” Magnus asked. He was holding two shirts, which were identical except for the color. Both sheer and with more glitter than Alec had ever seen outside of a club.

“Uh, the red one.”

Magnus nodded. “That’s what I thought.”

He disappeared down the hall and came back a few minutes later, tucking the front of his shirt into his jeans. Alec wouldn’t say that he had the best fashion sense, but red was definitely a color that looked good on Magnus. It complemented the undertones of his skin and brought out the gold in his eyes.

Alec shamelessly gave him a once over and Magnus preened under his attention. “You keep looking at me like that and I might not go into the lab today.”

Alec smirked. “Well, I wouldn’t want to be the reason that you don’t get any work done.”

“You,” Magnus pointed at him, as he turned to grab his keys and wallet “Are far too distracting.”

Alec shrugged insouciantly. “Not nearly as distracting as you.”

Magnus returned his leer and then tugged him up from his seat at the bar. “You should know that I am extremely disappointed to find out about your flirtation skills now that I actually have somewhere to be.”

“Duly noted,” Alec murmured as he followed him out the door. Come on, he was only human. There was definitely more than one reason why he wanted Magnus to be in front of him.

When they got to the car, Alec found himself spun around and pressed up against the passenger door. “You drive me crazy,” Magnus said as dragged him into a deep kiss. Alec cupped the back of Magnus’ neck and slid a palm down until it rested on his lower back. There was nothing slow about this kiss and Alec would be lying if he said that it wasn’t also making him wish he didn’t have things to get done that day.

The honking of a car horn passing by made them break apart, giggling. Especially when the two girls driving gave them an enthusiastic thumbs up and no amount of light-hearted teasing as they drove away.

“Seeing as I do not want to be arrested for public indecency, shall we?” Magnus asked, still laughing.

Alec grinned back at him as he slid into the car.

They held hands over the drive shift as they made their way back up to Jordan’s parents’ house. Magnus left the top down, blasting frankly abhorrent 90s pop music that had several people giving his car strange looks as they sped past. Alec felt lighter than he had in a long time. It was a needed break from the heaviness that seemed to be the theme of this trip.

Magnus pulled in behind Alec’s car and shifted into park.

He leaned in close again, and said, “I had a good time.”

“Me too,” Alec breathed back. He drew Magnus down and kissed him. One kiss, he told himself, which quickly became two and then three and –

“Okay, that is quite enough of that.”

Alec broke away from Magnus and looked up to see Maia standing at the top of the stairs with her hands fisted on her hips. She was grinning down at them and Magnus laughed as he buried his face into Alec’s chest. Alec couldn’t help but laugh too, even though he was embarrassed at being caught like this. Random strangers were one thing, but Maia was something completely different. Then again, he’d definitely walked in on Maia doing worse things so.

Trying to ignore Maia’s presence, he kissed Magnus again. Only once this time, come on. Okay, so maybe it was twice but that’s beside the point. “Text me?”

Alec nodded.

Magnus pushed him lightly. “If you stay in this car, I make no promises that I will not actually go into the lab today.”

“Okay, okay.” Alec sighed. He gathered his things and climbed out. He started to walk up the stairs, then darted back to kiss Magnus one more time. Magnus reciprocated for a second before pushing him away again.

“You really are too distracting.” But he was grinning as he watched Alec walk up the steps, for real this time. He honked the horn as he backed out and Alec raised his hand to wave goodbye.

When he got to the top, Maia looked at him like the cat that got the cream. “So, I’m guessing you had a good time lover boy.”

“It was all right.”

Maia shoved him lightly, “Don’t try to play coy with me. Based on what I saw it was more than just all right.”

Alec’s cheeks reddened again as he opened the front door. “Doesn’t the saying go that a gentleman shouldn’t kiss and tell?”

Maia scoffed, “Since when do you not kiss and tell?”

“Who’s kissing and telling?”

Alec nearly choked on his spit as he realized that Izzy was still here and had definitely overheard their conversation. Before Alec could reply, Maia beat him to it. “Oh you know, Magnus and Alec.”

“Is he that cute guy you were telling me about?”

“Oh he’s more than just cute,” Maia said, as she sat back on the couch. “He’s smoking.”

She fanned herself dramatically and Alec groaned, wishing that he could possibly slip out the front door and come back later. But he was caught now and so he slumped onto the sofa, resigned to his fate.

“Okay, come on. I know you want to ask me.”

Maia leaned forward, “The main thing I want to know is why oh why did you not come home last night?”

Alec gestured at Izzy, “Am I allowed to say that when my sister is right here?”

Izzy rolled her eyes. “Alec, I’m sixteen. You think I don’t know what sex is? Now spill.”

Alec was still trying to remember that Izzy was a teenager and if she was anything like he was at that age then, yeah, definitely not unaware. Besides, he was pretty sure she’d heard worse things just being in the cafeteria at lunchtime. “Well, we had dinner. Then um, then we went back to his place.”

“And?”

“And he put on some music. It was actually, it was pretty romantic. Did I just say that?” Alec made a face.

The girls giggled.

“Anyway, so uh, so we danced then um, then he kissed me. And – and oh God this is so weird do I have to say it out loud?”

Maia decided to take pity on him. “Just say yes or no. Did you”

She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at him.

Alec buried his face in his hands. “Not like all the way but um, yes.”

He immediately regretted his answer, given the loud yelling that ensued afterward. Once they calmed down, Maia patted his shoulder. “So, are you guys you know together?”

Alec refused to take his face out of his hands, “Yeah, we’re uh – we’re gonna try to make it work.”

“I’m happy for you,” Maia said. “No, I really am. Come on, this requires a celebratory drink.”

“Izzy’s underage!” Alec protested, finally sitting up to stare incredulously at Maia.

“Then, hmm. We need to do something to celebrate. What about ice cream?”

Just then, Izzy’s phone rang. She answered it and by her body language, Alec could guess it wasn’t the most pleasant of phone calls. When she hung up he asked. “What’s wrong?”

“That was mom. Jace is – well he’s having one of his bad days. I know you wanted to go out but I don’t think he’ll be up to it now.”

“Well, then, how about this? We watch terrible movies and still get ice cream.”

“I don’t know if Jace is gonna be altogether well – here,” Izzy said, her expression tight and mouth pressed into a thin line.

“I think,” Maia said, “All that matters is that you guys are there.”

Izzy nodded. “Yeah, I – I think you’re right. And I know he’s so tired of being in the house. Ever since he got sick that’s pretty much all he’s been able to do. Sure, his friends come over and his teachers have set up a computer that lets him sort of be in his classes but it’s just – it’s not the same you know?”

Alec got up and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. The way he’d done so many times in the past when she was upset. It felt strange, another way of reliving the past. Izzy seemed grateful, though, as she leaned her weight into him. “What if Jace came here?”

“You guys would do that?” Izzy asked. “I mean – he needs his medicine and sometimes well, sometimes he gets sick – “

“Not a problem,” Alec cut her off. “You said it yourself. He’s probably tired of being in the house, and this way, he can be somewhere that’s not in his room but still not exactly out in the world having to deal with a bunch of people.”

“Yeah, let’s do it.” Maia voiced her agreement.

“What about your work?” Alec asked.

“Meh,” She waved a dismissive hand. “Work will always be there, but I think it could be fun.”

“I’ll go talk to mom, then,” Izzy said, getting to her feet. They had a quick debate over whether or not to bring Max, but Alec ultimately argued the point that it wouldn’t be as fun for him to be around a bunch of older kids without the ability to participate. So, he agreed on taking Max out tomorrow. Much the same way he’d done with Jace and Izzy. The thought was nerve-wracking, as he knew relatively nothing about his little brother, but he wanted to.

Izzy seemed to concede, not being able to argue with that logic, and stepped outside to make the phone call.

“Are you sure you’re okay with missing a full day of work?” Alec asked Maia. He knew she was usually up to her ears in work and missing even one day could be a major setback.

“Alec,” Maia said exasperatedly, “If it wasn’t fine, I’d say so. Also, there are like five coffee shops within walking distance from here, I’d figure something out.”

“Okay, okay,” Alec said. She did have a valid point.

They both looked up as Izzy came back in. “Mom’s fine with it. Jace is insisting on bringing a couple of friends though. Well, they’re my friends too. I hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s a regular party,” Maia said. “Uh, the thing is, I’m not sure we have enough well, anything here to accommodate that many people.”

“I’ll run to the store real quick,” Alec said, getting to his feet.

“Are you sure?” Izzy asked anxiously. “I don’t want to make you spend more money or put you out or anything.”

Alec shook his head. “Trust me, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Okay, well we’ll be here when you get back.”

Alec nodded, making his way outside and down the steps. He got into his car and drove the short distance to the grocery store up the street. He wondered for a moment what teenagers actually ate. Then realized it was probably something similar to what he ate. Which was, well, just about anything. He wondered briefly about allergies or other restrictions, then decided maybe he’d get a variety of things and they’d work from there.

He was just finishing up in the checkout line, looking at his phone, when he got the distinct feeling of being watched. He didn’t want to call attention to himself as he looked around him out of the corner of his eye. He didn’t see anyone, but he could feel eyes on his back as he tried to chat idly with the cashier. She probably thought he was a weirdo, given that he couldn’t quite concentrate.

He thanked her with what he hoped was not a stilted smile, as he gathered his bags and headed back towards his car. There. Now he wasn’t quite imagining it. A man had just exited maybe a step or two behind him. He realized, abruptly, it was the same man from the other day.

He considered calling Maia, then decided he might as well confront this creep himself. Digging in his pocket, he dialed 9-1-1 and left it locked, just in case. He walked slowly as if he were checking it and not actually paying attention as he meandered towards his car. With the black screen, he could see the man just a few steps behind him and slowed his steps even more. He wondered if the man knew he’d caught onto him, but probably not. He made like he was fumbling in his pocket for his keys, but really he was grabbing the pepper spray he kept on his keychain.

He waited two breaths before turning around and aiming it at the man. “I know you’re following me, now who are you and what do you want?”

“Don’t you recognize me?” The man asked.

Alec squinted at him and then let his hand fall to his side, slack with shock. “I don’t – what are you doing here?”

“Ah, now you remember me.” Robert – he refused to call this man his dad – smiled at him in a way that could only be defined as creepy. It was no wonder Alec hadn’t recognized him before. First of all, he hadn’t seen him in years, but it wasn’t just that. Everything about him, from his haircut that was now close-cropped in an almost military buzzcut to the expensive suit, more expensive even than the ones Alec remembered him wearing when he was growing up, to his mannerisms. Even if the last time he’d seen his dad had ended pleasantly, he wasn’t so sure he would piece together that person with the man standing in front of him now.

“Wh – I don’t understand. Why were you following me? Were you trying to scare me?”

Robert shrugged. “That’s one reason if you’d like to call it that.”

Now over his shock, Alec straightened. “Look, I don’t know what you want, but stop following me. I think you made it pretty clear how you felt about me.”

“Now son – “

“Don’t call me that,” Alec hissed. “I am not your son and you are not my father.”

Robert tensed, growing angry. “How dare you talk to me like that? After all this time, I thought maybe – maybe you’d learned from your ways.”

“Learned from my ways?” Alec asked incredulously.

“Yes, turned from sin and back towards the true God.”

Robert was seriously giving him scary vibes. Weird, culty vibes and he wanted nothing to do with any of this. Why had he not just called the cops? Oh right, maybe because he’d hoped after all this time maybe Robert wasn’t quite such a religious bigot, but whelp, turns out he was wrong about that.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to be going now.” Alec didn’t want to turn his back on Robert, but what other option did he have?

Robert’s frown deepened. “Aren’t you curious at all Alexander? I spent all this time trying to find you and this is how you repay me?”

Alec couldn’t help but ask, despite himself, “What do you mean spend all this time trying to find me?”

Robert’s expression smoothed into that creepy smile again. “Don’t you know? I looked for you. I begged your mother to tell me where you were, but she refused. We had a – a disagreement I suppose you could call it. So imagine my surprise when I happened to be in town finishing up some business and there you were. Walking with that girl, she was pretty by the way, is she your girlfriend?”

Alec’s mouth felt sour as he shook his head. “I’m not answering that. Plus, it wouldn’t have killed you to pick up a phone? Maybe I don’t know send a postcard? Something?”

Not be a creeper Alec thought to himself silently but didn’t voice that out loud. Clearly, there was something wrong with Robert. He didn’t seem right.

“Those can’t replace the value of hearing your voice,” Robert said.

Okay, not weird at all. Alec thought. He is clearly unhinged.

Great, now how the hell did he get himself out of this situation? He had to go and play the hero and now he was talking to Robert, his sperm donor, for lack of a better term. Who was clearly unwell and suffering from some serious delusions. He had pepper spray, maybe he could use that?

As if sensing what Alec was thinking Robert shook his head. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

Alec already didn’t like him when he was angry. “Listen, okay? I’m done with this conversation. Either you leave or I’m calling the cops.”

“Don’t be like that.” Robert wheedled. “Surely you have the time to talk to me after all of these years. Don’t you understand Alexander? I only did what was best for you. I tried to tell you – warn you but you wouldn’t listen. Do you see what you did?”

Do not rise to the bait Alec told himself. He swallowed dryly, thinking that it might be best to play into the delusion. “Y – you’re right. I should’ve listened to you.”

“Yes, now you’re seeing the error of your ways. You can still repent and God will forgive you. But first, you must be cleansed.”

Okay, he seriously did not like the thought of that. Thankfully, his phone was still out of Robert’s line of sight. He used his thumb to unlock it and dialed. He spoke loudly to cover the sound of the dial tone. “Cleansed? What does that mean?”

“There is a special healer,” Robert said. “I must take you to. But first, you must be tested.”

Alec could hear the sound of the operator and he hoped they would catch onto what was happening. He just had to keep Robert talking. “T – tested?”

“Yes, the pastor, he tells us that there are ways to root out the evil among us before one can be brought into our midst. Your mother – back then she just couldn’t understand our missive. She misunderstood. I let her talk me into walking away from the light. But – once I figured out what a snake she was – ah so much like the first woman who tricked Adam – I realized the truth. I must return back to the light.”

What the actual fuck? Alec thought, desperately hoping that someone would be there soon. But despite the extremely strange, not to mention concerning, conversation happening right now, people walked by them completely oblivious. Alec was afraid to call out to any one of them, afraid it might upset whatever delicate balance Robert’s psyche was now walking. “I – I don’t understand.”

“You have not yet been brought into the light. But the Lord, he told us to be a city on a hill, do you not remember Alexander? There is a true way, but many have been led astray by false prophets. Now, I ask that you come with me either willingly or not. Either way, the Lord will test you.”

Only then did Alec note that Robert had something clutched in his hand, concealed just out of his view. Ice cold sweat broke out on the back of his neck as he realized what it was – a needle. Okay, this was somehow way worse than anything he’d ever imagined it could be. Was this even real life right now? Was his dad some part of freaky cult? Was this what his mother had alluded to when she’d mentioned the first church she and his father had attended so long ago?

Robert moved closer to him and Alec managed to stutter out. “D – don’t come near me.”

Thankfully, at that moment, he felt a hand settling on his shoulder. “Don’t move.”

Alec obeyed the terse, sudden whisper, on instinct alone as he watched an officer in plain clothes step between him and Robert, hand on his pistol that was still holstered. “Sir I’m going to have to ask you to put the needle down and get on the ground.”

Robert looked like he was going to disobey for a second, but then his gaze dropped to where the officer’s hand rested and reluctantly let the needle fall as he slowly knelt to the ground. “Cuff him.”

Alec watched, still frozen, as another officer wrapped cuffs around Robert’s wrists and led him to a nearby undercover vehicle. No wonder he hadn’t heard the sirens, there hadn’t been any. “Are you okay son?”

He looked up, startled at having been spoken to. He licked dry lips as he stuttered out. “I – I think so.”

The officer nodded. “Is there someone you can call?”

He thought about calling Maia but then realized that she was probably preoccupied at the moment. But he nodded anyway, reaching into his pocket to call Magnus, hoping he would answer. He picked up on the second ring. “When I said text me I didn’t think you would call me so soon.”

Alec smiled at Magnus’ teasing tone, but couldn’t quite keep the catch out of his voice, “I – I – can you come get me?”

“What’s wrong? Don’t answer that – I’ll be there soon. Where are you?”

Alec gave him the address. Magnus told him to hold on and then the phone went dead. The groceries slipped from his fingers and he basically fell, more than sat down. The officer, who was talking into his phone nearby, rushed over to him. “Are you sure you’re okay? Did he give you anything?”

Alec shook his head.

“Okay, I know this is scary, but I’m gonna need you to talk to me. Can you tell me what happened?”

“I was here. I was getting some things and it felt like someone was watching me. I – I don’t know why I did it, it’s actually kind of dumb, but I wanted to confront whoever it was. This wasn’t the first time this happened, so I wanted to know who this creep was. I didn’t count on it being my own father.” Alec laughed ruefully, the word father tasting like ashes in his mouth.

“So you knew this man?”

Alec nodded. “I did.”

“When was the last time you and your father spoke?” The officer asked, taking notes down on a small legal pad while his partner was obviously calling in back up.

“Years,” Alec said. “I haven’t seen him in almost three years.”

“Do you know why your father would choose now to contact you?”

Alec shook his head. “I have no idea.”

“Okay, I just have a few more questions and I need you to answer them for me as best you can. Were you ever aware of your father being in a group called the Circle?”

“The Circle?” Alec asked, confused. What the hell was that? He said as much.

“I’m gonna take that as a no.” The officer said, bypassing his question entirely. “Did your father ever make, to your knowledge, any strange donations? Frequent business trips?”

“Uh yeah, he’s the CEO of a tech firm. Please don’t ask me which one, he never really said. He used to go on business trips all the time.”

The officer nodded, taking quick notes. “Well, son, you’ve been very helpful. I’m going to need your contact information as there may be some follow-up questions.”

“S – sure,” Alec said, still reeling and feeling very, very confused about the whole thing. Nevertheless, he jotted down his information and passed the pad back to the officer.

Just then, his phone rang. It was Magnus. “Hello?”

“Hey, I’m out front, where are you?”

Alec snorted, “If you see the cops, you’ll find me.”

“Cops?” Magnus asked, “Never mind. I’m parking now.”

He hung up and Alec waited anxiously as he spotted him crossing the parking lot towards him. The red shirt he’d chosen that morning making him wish he could go back to the blissfulness of that moment. Was that only really this morning?

As there were more people on scene, they barred Magnus from coming over to him until he stated who he was and what he was doing. He was escorted over to Alec and promptly squatted down to his level. He ran a gentle hand over Alec’s face as he checked him over. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“I’ll tell you as soon as they let me out of here.”

The plains-clothed officer from before chose that moment to walk over to them and said. “You’re free to go. We’ll contact you if we have any more questions.”

Alec nodded, getting to his feet slowly with Magnus’ help. Magnus grabbed the grocery bags and refused to let him carry them as he looped one of Alec’s arms around his shoulders, not heeding any of Alec’s protestations about it. He led them to his car and put the groceries in the back before helping Alec into the passenger seat.

Alec couldn’t help but ask, “What about your work?”

“What about it?” Magnus responded blithely. “I theoretically make my own hours and given the situation, I think you are much more important than phytoplankton.”  

Alec smiled at that, but couldn’t quite muster up a laugh. He dragged a hand down his face. “I appreciate it. Thank you.”

“Any time,” Magnus said as he reversed smoothly out of the parking space. “If you don’t mind my asking what was that all about?”

“I really, really wish I could tell you. Ever since I got here I feel like my life went from being completely boring to like I was living in a lifetime movie. I don’t know if I told you this but the other day, when Maia and I went to the aviary, there was this guy following us. We both thought it was pretty creepy but well – we didn’t really think anything of it.”

Magnus hummed but didn’t say anything in response. Alec was glad of his lack of judgment because given what just happened; maybe he should have given it more thought. But, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

“Anyways, well, I left to go get some things because Jace is supposed to be coming over. Oh God, I hope they don’t think I forgot. Whatever. What was I saying? Oh yeah,” Alec shook himself, “I was standing in the checkout line and I kept feeling like someone was watching me. So I thought, maybe I was being paranoid until I left and I saw that it was the same guy from the other day. I guess – I don’t know maybe I was fed up? So, I tried to confront him and it turned out to be my dad.

He – he started talking about all this weird religious stuff. Talking about the true God and something about being cleansed? I don’t know, it was all so weird. Then next thing I know he’s asking me to come with him and then he has this – this needle and I don’t even want to think about what he was doing with that.”

“Then what happened?”

“The cops showed up and well they arrested him. Then – then they asked me about this thing called the Circle? What even is that? Is that like I don’t know a cult or something?”

Magnus went very still when he mentioned that name and Alec glanced at him curiously. “Does that mean something to you?”

“It does, but I’ve only ever read about it in a textbook.”

“What do you mean?”

Magnus kept his eyes on the road as he spoke in a flat tone. “As I’m sure you know, I was a biology major, but I minored in gender and sexuality studies. I took a class once that talked about religious conversion therapy in evangelical Christian circles. It has its … adherents let’s just say. Back in the ‘80s, there was for lack of a better term, a cult that sprang up mostly as a splinter group of Catholicism. It kept all of the frameworks, mostly I think just to rope people in.

But once they were in, well, it was nothing at all like they thought. Their leader was a guy named Valentine. That guy – well he was evil, I can’t put it any other way. These people, they believed in all kinds of crazy things. That they were the chosen ones, specifically sent by God to cull evil from the earth. That only they knew the true way and they had to bring as many into the fold as possible. You know, typical cult stuff. But, probably the most disturbing part about it was their hatred of anyone who wasn’t, for lack of better terminology, cis and male or at least willing to bow to the cis-male majority. They believed anyone else was meant to be cleansed and converted back to the true way. They set up these – these compounds where parents in the cult would send their children. I don’t even want to talk about the things they did there.

Well, eventually, after five years or so the Circle made its way onto the government’s watchdog list. They sent in undercovers and broke it up. Valentine ended up in jail, life without parole for what he did. Everyone else, well, they made plea bargains and did their community service and life went on. Ostensibly, that was when the Circle ended. But, of course, that’s not exactly what happened. Unfortunately, there are people who still buy into that type of thing and Valentine still has his followers. They keep themselves to secretive online forums, despite the government’s best attempts, they crop up faster than they can take them down.

So, all of that to say that I am very, very glad that you are sitting in this car with me right now.”

Alec stared at Magnus’ profile and the hardness of his expression. His fingers white-knuckling the wheel as he tried to absorb what he’d just been told. “I don’t understand. You’re saying my parents were a part of this – this cult?”

Magnus glanced at him, some of the hardness in his expression softening. “Darling, I would really hope not, but from the looks of things, I’m saying there’s a fair chance that they were.”

Alec sat back in his seat, stunned. “I don’t – I don’t understand. Why?”

“I’m afraid that is a question I can’t answer,” Magnus said grimly. “But I have more respect for your mother after hearing you tell me what you just told me. It can’t have been easy, escaping from that. Not once, but twice.”

“Twice?”

“Alec, darling, your mother did she ever explicitly tell you why she chose to divorce your father?”

“All she said was he was getting worse and she didn’t really say anything else after that.”

“I think – I think maybe you have some more questions for your mother,” Magnus said, as he pulled into the carport of Jordan’s parents’ house.

“I suppose so,” Alec mused softly.

Magnus turned the car off and hopped out, grabbing the grocery bags.

“What are you doing?”

“Well, I’m definitely not leaving you after what just happened.”

“You should know there’s probably an apartment full of teenagers.”

Magnus shrugged. “Nothing I can’t handle, now come on.”

They made their way up the steps and knocked on the door loudly. When they opened it, they saw that Maia and Izzy had transformed the living room into a giant blanket fort. Somehow, there were fairy lights strung up inside of it, which, where those came from who knew?

“Finally,” Maia said, as she finished tying one end of a blanket onto the ceiling fan. “I thought you were just – “

She broke off when she saw Magnus in the doorway and Alec looking very shaken and pale. She immediately dropped what she was doing and hurried over to him. Just like Magnus she took his face into her hands and checked him over. “I swear I can’t let you leave for five minutes. Are you okay? What happened?”

“Perhaps we should sit down before answering that question,” Magnus suggested gently.

Maia relented, stepping back to let them into the room, and grabbed the bags from Magnus’ hands to set them on the kitchen counter. Izzy chose that moment to come back in, toting an enormous pile of pillows.

“Maia where do you want these?” She dropped them onto the ground and then smiled. “And who is this?”

Magnus gave a half bow, “Magnus Bane at your service.”

She giggled. “Ah, so you’re Magnus. It’s nice to meet you.”

Magnus raised his brows at Alec who shrugged. Now that everything was slightly calmer and he was around people who felt relatively safe, he wasn’t quite so tense. But Magnus refused to not help him as he led him to the mound of blankets.

Alec sat down and it was then that he realized how close he actually was to becoming a statistic. Dizziness swamped him and he put his head between his knees. He was distantly aware of Magnus smoothing circles into his back and telling him to breathe. When the room stopped spinning, he picked his head up and met three matching gazes of concern.

“Okay,” Maia said, “You leave to go get groceries, and then what happened?”

Alec shook his head. “It’s a long story.”

“Do you want me to tell it?” Magnus asked gently.

Alec nodded gratefully.

“The gist of it is,” Magnus said. “That Robert is a part of a fanatical religious group known as the Circle. Somehow, he was able to ascertain Alec’s whereabouts and attempted to abduct him.”

“That’s it,” Maia said, only partly joking, “You are not leaving this house without supervision again.”

“I tend to agree,” Magnus said. “And the police are somewhat irresponsible. Now that the Circle knows about you, they may not be satisfied at Robert’s failure. From what I’ve read, they tend to work in concert with another person in the area.”

“Well, that’s not scary at all,” Izzy said.

“It should be,” Magnus’ tone was grim. “But, given that this was supposed to be a quick trip, I highly doubt they even know you’re here. And, in the grand scheme of things, and I have never been happier to say this in my life, you are most likely not a target. That being said, I don’t like the thought that Robert could’ve been planning this all along.”

Alec’s stomach dropped at the thought. “Do you really think that’s possible?”

Magnus shook his head. “It’s hard to say, but I wouldn’t rule it out.”

“Wait,” Izzy cut in. “So you’re saying our dad was a part of this weird cult? This Circle?”

“From what Alec told me about everything and the officer’s line of questioning, I would say so.”

Just then, Izzy’s phone rang, causing all of them to startle. “It’s mom. Hello? Yeah, I’ll be down in a second. Okay, I will. Yup. Bye.”

“They’re here. Are you still up for this?” Izzy asked.

Alec nodded. “I think I need a distraction after well, everything.”

“Okay, uh, just to warn you we can be kind of a little loud.”

Izzy left and silence descended between the three of them. Magnus took the opportunity to sit down beside Alec who gratefully leaned into him. He held a hand out to Maia, who twined her fingers around his. “I’m really glad you’re okay.”

Before he could respond, the sound of footsteps on the stairs interrupted them.

He could hear Jace grumbling, “I can walk on my own.”

A girl’s voice who he didn’t recognize responded sharply, “No, you can’t.”

Then good-natured teasing and suddenly, the living room was ten times smaller as it was filled by several more people. Framed in the doorway was Jace, who looked extremely unhappy to be supported by another boy who looked to be around his age. Dark hair, glasses, and was that a graphic tee? Next to him was a slight girl with bright red hair.

“Alec, Magnus, Maia, I’d like you to meet Simon.” That was the boy with the glasses. “And this is Clary.” The redheaded girl waved and Alec didn’t miss the slight catch in Izzy’s voice when she said her name. Interesting.

Despite his protesting, Jace allowed himself to be led to a pile of pillows by Clary and Izzy. Alec studied him, noting that he looked drawn and tired. Nevertheless, he seemed to be putting on a brave face, for whom, Alec wasn’t quite sure. Maybe it was just a way to convince himself despite everything, that he could retain at least some small bit of normalcy.

Alec forced himself to sit up properly, dropping Maia’s hand, and surveyed the rest of the group. Izzy had disappeared into the kitchen, ostensibly to get food and drinks for everyone, but Alec guessed it was more like she’d noticed that he’d caught on to whatever was happening between her and Clary. Which, judging by that reaction, it seemed like Jace was more or less unaware. Izzy had a way of doing that at times, disappearing and then coming back somehow more put together when she left. Even if it was only for five seconds.

Magnus levered himself to his feet and dropped a kiss on Alec’s cheek. “I’m going to help Izzy. Let me know if you need anything.”

Alec nodded, his cheeks heating when he saw Jace looking between the two of them with raised eyebrows. “So, anything you wanted to tell me?”

Alec choked on his spit, for the second time. What was with his siblings? Jace laughed loudly, probably at whatever weird face Alec was sure he was making. It looked like Simon was having the same reaction as he sat down on Jace’s opposite side.

“No – I mean yes,” Alec said quickly, frowning at Jace, “Magnus is my boyfriend.”

Simon nodded and turned to Jace. “You know speaking of that – “

“All right,” Izzy said loudly, coming back into the room, a tray balanced on one arm, “Who’s hungry?”

She frowned meaningfully at Simon who promptly stopped talking. There seemed to be some type of silent conversation between the two of them, that ended with Izzy winning because Simon wordlessly got to his feet to help her with the tray.

Maia looked at him questioningly and Alec shook his head. She turned the same look on Izzy but Izzy refused to meet her eyes. Whatever it was, Alec was nearly a hundred percent sure it had to do with Clary.

Jace looked confused for a second, but, bless him, he was always less astute when it came to things like this and he just shrugged. He alone seemed to not pick up on the strange non-verbal argument Simon and Izzy had just had about Clary.

Of course, Clary chose that moment to come back into the room, noted the tension, and stage whispered to Simon, “What did I miss?”

He shook his head in a I’ll tell you later kind of way.

Magnus settled back down beside Alec and passed him a cup of water.

Alec took it gratefully and shook his head, “It’s not too late for you to leave.”

“When the party’s just getting started? No way,” Magnus shook his head. Everyone else took their seats on the blankets. Which, again, where all of these blankets had even come from who only knew. Izzy dropped down beside Jace and the whole scene from earlier seemed to be forgotten as Simon lowered himself back down on Jace’s other side. The way he frowned at Izzy seemed to make it clear that it was not actually over, but that he was willing to let it drop. For now.

“So, if I’m getting this right,” Clary said, from her position wedged between Simon and Izzy. The timing of it almost too perfect to ease the tension that was still present in the room “You’re Alec.” Alec raised his hand. “Magnus.” Magnus nodded. “And Maia?”

“So uh, how do you all know each other?”

Alec wasn’t usually a talkative person, and he let Maia take the lead on this one as usual. She gestured to Alec, “Well, me and Alec met when we were freshmen. This guy,” She hooked a thumb at Magnus, “Is actually a new addition.”

Magnus grinned, “I’m hoping they’ll let me stick around after auditions are over.”

Alec shook his head, shoving him lightly. Magnus was unrepentant, grinning even wider, as Clary giggled.

“What about you all?” Maia interjected, trying to steer the conversation in some direction other than extremely off course and into an iceberg.

“Well,” Simon said, leaning forward. “Clary and I have been friends since grade school.”

“Remember when you tried to get me to marry you in third grade?”

“Yeah, that might not have been my finest moment,” Simon winced. “And I know Jace and Izzy because of Clary.”

“And we met Clary,” Jace managed, sitting up and waving off Izzy’s offer of help, “Because of this summer camp our parents forced us to go to.”

“It was well-intentioned,” Izzy said, laughing.

“What was the camp about?” Alec couldn’t help but ask.

“Well,” Izzy began, “We started this martial arts club at our school. Jace and I and a couple of other students were the only members for a while. Mom thought it might be good if we went to this artsy summer camp, try and branch out our interests.”

Magnus snorted. “So, were you braiding flowers into each other’s hair or?”

“Much more intense than that,” Jace said. “Have you ever tried to sketch a bowling pin with watercolor in two seconds? Trust me, it’s not fun.”

“Not for Clary though,” Izzy put in. “Then again, I think she was the only one out of all of us who could actually draw in that class. She’s a really good artist”

Clary flushed at the praise and shook her head, “Don’t let Izzy fool you. I was just as bad as everyone else.”

Simon shook his head. “She’s being modest. You should see some of her work. They even put one of her murals in the newspaper.”

Magnus whistled lowly. “Quite impressive.”

Clary shook her head. “Not really. I mean, it’s nothing seriously. Anyway,”

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Do you guys go to school or what do you do?”

No one commented on her blatant attempt to change the subject. Maia took the bait to interject, “Well, I study marine biology.”

“Me too,” Magnus said, leaning back on his palms.

“That’s really cool!” Simon exclaimed. “What’s your specialty?”

“Well, I study toxicology,”

“And I study mammals. Or I want to. I don’t really know yet.” Maia chimed in, shrugging.

“What about you Alec?”

Alec, who’d been toying idly with his earring, glanced up at the question, slightly caught off guard. “Uh, well – “

“Alec wants to be a doctor,” Jace interrupted. “I mean that’s always what he said he wanted to do.”

Alec was not put off by Jace’s interruption. He had a tendency of doing that, and well, you kind of just got used to it. It was annoying, but not enough to really bother him. It actually made him feel a twinge of happiness that Jace felt comfortable around him to return back to habits he had a tendency of hiding from people who didn’t know him that well.

“Yeah,” Alec chuckled, now trying to avoid everyone’s avid looks of interest. Whenever you said the word doctor people thought it was this glamorous thing. Which, if you asked Alec, it really wasn’t. He just thought that medicine was interesting and he just wanted to help people. It was as simple as that.

Right at that moment, Alec’s phone rang. He glanced down and saw that it was Maryse. He frowned, debating on whether or not to pick it up, but by some instinct, he clicked the green answer button before he could change his mind. Magnus gave him a questioning look as he got to his feet but he shook his head. Holding the phone away from his ear, he muttered. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Alec?”

“Yeah, just, give me a second,” Alec said, crossing into the kitchen and out the back door to slump onto the steps. The low sound of laughter and idle chatter followed him out but was immediately silenced by the closure of the door. Once he was comfortably out of everyone’s range of hearing, he asked. “What’s up?”

“I got a call from the police department today.” Her tone was carefully neutral. Alec recognized it as the one that usually precipitated a punishment of some kind or other. He couldn’t help but feel like he was in trouble. Which, was ridiculous because he was a grown man, but, that tone could still inspire fear in him. He debated whether or not to answer the unspoken question, but Maryse was still talking. “I – uh – I had no idea that Robert was back in town. Alec, I swear if I had known –“

She cut herself off sharply and Alec realized the tone that he’d mistaken for precipitating a lecture was actually just her trying to keep it together. Beneath the neutrality was a dark underbelly of fear. What could make his mother, the woman who he was pretty sure was not afraid of anything, be this close to exposing her emotions like this?

Maryse took a steadying breath. “At any rate, Alec I never wanted to put you in any danger. I never thought for a second that Robert would ever find you again.”

“Find me again? Mom I don’t understand, what are you talking about?” Mom the word had just rolled off his tongue but it felt right. Because wasn’t that what mothers did? They worried about their children? And regardless of whatever else had happened before this point, he couldn’t deny that Maryse seemed genuinely concerned. About him.

“Alec, I should have told you all of this a long time ago. There are reasons I told myself why I couldn’t. Mostly, to protect you all. I thought if I never talked about it again, it would be like it never happened. Now, I know I was only fooling myself.

When I told you about the church Robert and I used to attend, what I didn’t tell you was that it wasn’t – it wasn’t a normal church. I suppose even from the beginning things felt slightly off, but I was young. Naïve I’ll admit it. I was familiar with missions and spreading the word to others. In the beginning, that’s all it was. Invite other people to church and tell them about the love of Jesus and do all these kind works.

But gradually, it started taking a darker turn. Valentine, the ringleader of it all I suppose you could say,” She said the name with such venom it made him instantly recoil. “Began making…more demands. Becoming more fanatical in his teachings. Warning us about the end of days and the need to cull evil from the earth. That anyone who was not in the church was obviously possessed by a demonic spirit and needed to be purified. Purified – purified meaning well, I’m sure you can read between the lines.”

Alec felt something sour in the back of his throat as he listened to his mother speak. Demons? Culling evil from the earth? What kind of insane rhetoric was this? “I – I don’t understand.”

“I know and I’m sorry, Alec. I should’ve told you this a long time ago. But I need you to listen. Can you please do that for me?”

He nodded, then realized she couldn’t see him. “Y-yeah, I’m listening.”

A wind blew up off the black water below and it made goosebumps rise on his arms. Flesh prickling with an unease that came from more than just sitting out here alone in the darkness.

“I – well us women. We weren’t permitted to know about the purifications. Our job was to bring other lost souls as they called them in. The men held their meetings behind closed doors and we pretended like we didn’t know about them. And that ignorance worked for a while but then one day. I – I was cleaning the sanctuary and I overheard Valentine.

He was talking about an – an experiment if you will. I didn’t understand at first but I soon realized he was talking about his own son – I’m sorry this is just.” She took a deep breath. “He believed that he could make his son into some kind of super-soldier by injecting him with – with chemicals. He was saying that his son would be the first of many to join the army of the Lord. To purify the demons from the populace and in time, a new race would arise. One that had been purified of all evil. It was – it was literally the definition of insanity. He was completely delusional.

And I realized the person he was talking to was well it was Robert. I didn’t want to believe that my husband would buy into what Valentine was talking about but he – he did. The only thing I could think about in that moment was how angry I was. I had been tricked into – into this cult and not only that, but I’d brought other innocent people, children, into this as well.

I felt – you have to understand I felt so helpless Alec. What could I, a single person do? Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I gathered the one person I knew I could trust. Her name was Jocelyn Fairchild, well Morgenstern. She was Valentine’s wife. Together, we gathered as much evidence and information as we could. We became – well I guess you could say like spies. I sent an anonymous letter with the evidence to local authorities. I suppose it was convincing enough because the following week, the FBI was knocking at our front door. We had to disappear in the middle of the night. It was to be completely frank, terrifying.

I never told Robert about my role in bringing Valentine to justice. I actually didn’t see Jocelyn again until recently but, I suppose that’s beside the point. I thought – I thought we’d left all of that behind us. But slowly, I began to see that even if I had, Robert never did. I didn’t want to tell you this because to this day, I find it hard to believe that I was ever involved with something so heinous and evil.

Valentine wasn’t just experimenting on his son, but on others as well. People who were transients, vulnerable.  Not only these people, but members would I still can’t believe this,” She huffed out a breath, “But their own children if they showed any signs of being well not straight or if they showed any signs of not conforming. I was caught up in the delusion of thinking that I was somehow bringing people into faith when really I was condemning them to a fate worse than hell. The real reason I decided to divorce your father is – well Alec understand, please, you must understand. I did what I had to do.

I found these – these letters. Robert had been sending them to Valentine in prison for years. I had I suppose I knew he was talking to somebody but I never imagined that he wasn’t talking to one of the many women I pretended not to know about. In them, he was – he was talking about you, Alec. Of course, I noticed the signs, a mother knows these things. But even then, I was still bigoted and ignorant, I won’t pretend any different. I thought maybe it was one of those things that would go away in time, but well, that was also very ignorant. Who you are, it doesn’t just change with time.” She scoffed. “I suppose in the end, I didn’t fight as hard as I possibly could have because some part of me knew that the safest place for you was not here.

Now that I know Robert saw those letters you sent I’m afraid he might know where you live in New York – “

“That’s not possible,” Alec interrupted, still reeling from what his mother had just confided to him. “I uh – I sent all of those when I was still living in the dorms. But um, my dorm, for security reasons we’re not allowed to put the number of our rooms or anything like that. And if we ever got packages they had to go through a lot of hoops. Because well, a lot of us didn’t come from you know, safe home environments. They wanted to make sure that we were all right.”

Maryse breathed an audible sigh of relief. “So he doesn’t know where you live?”

“I – I don’t think so.”

“Good, that’s good, Alec. I swear I never wanted to hurt you, I did what I thought I had to do but I should have told you all of this so long ago. I was afraid, after the divorce we would have to disappear again. But Robert took care of that for me. He was the one who was here one day and gone the next. Oh, he would send the child support checks but they always came from a different address and I always had them addressed to a P.O. box. I thought about moving and God knows I should have, but I thought – I don’t know I thought since he’d left that maybe we were safe.

I should’ve known all this time that he was keeping an eye on me. On us. Now that he’s behind bars I can sleep a little easier but I know the Circle is still out there. I can only hope that Robert did not betray us in that at least. I can’t – I don’t know what I would do if something were to happen to any of you.”

Alec shook his head, even knowing that she couldn’t see him, and ran a shaky hand through his hair. “So you’re telling me you were part of this weird cult? That like, literally killed people?”

“To my great shame,” Maryse said ruefully.

“And what? Robert was completely okay with this? With shipping me off to them?”

“I – I honestly don’t know. I won’t lie to you. I figured that was his eventual aim.”

“But why wait til now?”

“I wish I could tell you that Alec. I suppose – I suppose he thought that once you’d gone you’d be out of our lives forever. I don’t think he factored everything into play. I think maybe he never wanted to leave at all. Those last few days were confusing. I confided in Robert. I thought maybe he had changed, that he wanted to be away from all of it just like I did. We secured our freedom with a plea deal. Thankfully, they kept our names anonymous but still. The ringleaders, including Valentine, were sentenced to life and I moved on as best I could convinced that it was an ugly chapter of my past that would never resurface.

I should’ve known better of course. Things that are buried rarely stay that way. I suppose I will spend the rest of my days checking over my shoulder but I never wanted any of that for any of you.”

Alec laughed, but it was without humor. “I think it’s a little too late for that now.”

“Yes, I suppose it is.” Maryse sighed. “But he can’t hurt you anymore and despite the letters well I checked the addresses. They were all from different towns that Robert stayed in. It seemed even he didn’t want Valentine knowing where we eventually ended up. I can at least thank him for that much.”

“Yeah, one good deed in a life of whatever the hell he was doing. Because I mean – did he even work for that tech company?”

“I’m not sure and if I’m being completely honest, I don’t want to find out. I got rid of all of his things and at times, it’s better just to let sleeping dogs lie. Valentine doesn’t know where we are and that’s the only thing that matters. To be honest, the Circle may become suspicious but they don’t know anything about you or any of your siblings. Hell, us women were so invisible that I’m sure they had no idea what most of our names were. Plus, I’ve reverted to using my maiden name, a name they’ve never heard. And the government does keep tabs on us, trust me I know.

I think I’m being overly paranoid, but also maybe not. Time will only tell with that one. But the police have said they’ve pulled the FBI in. They’ll want to question me about his whereabouts no doubt. But Alec, just promise me one thing?”

“Okay?” He said hesitantly.

“Please, please, be safe. Take care of Izzy and Jace. If something happens to me…” She trailed off and Alec felt like he would be sick.

Once again, he felt like he’d stumbled right into a lifetime movie or more accurately, a true-crime documentary. All of a sudden, his life had just gotten a lot more complicated with stories of murderous cults and his dad wanting to kill him or even worse, ship him off to some crazy conversion therapy complete with human experimentations. It was the stuff of movies except this was real life and there was nothing dramatized about any of this. It was simply a case of being caught up in something and not knowing what it was until you were in too deep to get out. An extreme instance of wrong place and very terrible timing. His mother, the life she’d built for herself. Magnus was right.

“I promise but nothing is going to happen.”

“I hope you’re right,” Maryse said doubtfully. “I thought I could leave it all in the past but now I don’t know if I’ll ever be free. At any rate, I won’t take up too much of your time. Take care of yourself, Alec.” Then the phone went dead.

Alec stared at it in trepidation and nearly came out of his skin when a low voice behind him asked, “Are you all right?”

Alec jumped to his feet and spun around, only to relax when he saw it was only Magnus. “Do not do that!”

Magnus held up his hands in a defensive gesture. “My apologies. It’s just, you were out here quite a while and I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Alec placed a palm on his still rapidly beating heart and hesitantly shook his head. “I am very much not all right and I am doing my best not to have a freakout moment right now.”

“What’s going on?” Magnus asked. In the darkness, Alec could still the shadowed planes of his face and the worry that creased his brows.

Without thinking about it, Alec was wrapping himself around Magnus. A steady anchor in the swirling chaos that his life had just become. Warm arms twined themselves around him. Alec buried his face in the fabric of Magnus’ shirt and inhaled. The scent of soap and cologne invading his senses, already a scent that made him feel a little bit calmer than before.

“It’s a lot.” He murmured. “Basically, my parents were a part of the Circle. And you were right. It was this freaky death cult with like, conversion therapy and human experimentation thrown in for funsies. And Robert was apparently a huge co-conspirator in all of it and he wanted to send me to them or something. But my mom let him send me away hoping that he’d never find me again. But that didn’t work because obviously he did and now I’m scared. What if this crazy leader guy finds us? What if he hurts my mom? Or Jace? Or Izzy? Or Max? I –“

“Alexander,” Magnus said soothingly. The use of his full name pulled Alec out of his spiraling thoughts. “I know that it’s terrifying to learn about all of this but I want you to take a deep breath, can you do that?”

He waited until Alec obediently nodded and then took in several lungfuls of air. “Okay, now, listen to me. Has anything ever happened to anyone that you’ve known in the time that you’ve been alive?”

“No, but – “

“Okay.” Magnus cut him off gently. “Have you ever even seen anyone suspicious in all the time that you’ve been here?”

“No,” Alec admitted.

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t be concerned but Alec, your mother found an effective way to disappear. Even if your father was involved with this, it’s clear he never took it home with him. You are as safe as you can possibly be. I think if they were that interested in any of you, they would’ve found you a long time ago. I know that I said they are still active but they don’t have the reach that they once did. Now that people are aware of how to look for the warning signs, much of their influence has evaporated. Yes, they still exist, but the majority of their members are behind bars, including now Robert. All right?”

Magnus was talking sense, Alec knew he was, but it still didn’t change the fact that his parents were involved in a freaky death cult.

“All right?” Magnus repeated. Alec realized he wanted a verbal response and he shakily repeated the words back to him.

“Now let’s go back inside. We’ll watch movies and try to put this aside for the moment. Is that okay?”

Alec’s instinctual response was to dig up whatever information he could about this whole thing but then he realized his mother was probably right. It was better to let sleeping dogs lie. There was nothing he could do now but wait and hope like hell Robert hadn’t brought any attention with him when he’d come here. “Yeah, yeah I just – I want to feel normal.”

“That’s completely allowed, darling.” Magnus chuckled softly. Alec reluctantly stepped back and allowed himself to be led back inside.

A movie, he didn’t know which one, was playing on the flat screen. Izzy and Clary were sprawled out underneath one blanket. While Simon had claimed a spot leaning directly against the couch. Jace was passed out and Maia was texting on her phone. She glanced up when they came back into the room and gave him a questioning look.

He shook his head, indicating that he’d tell her later, and let himself be drawn down into the pile of blankets beside Magnus.

How could his life have gone from being so normal to this in under 48 hours? His skin still crawled when he thought about the Circle. Especially if they would, actually, ending up finding him or his siblings, and what then? And what about Maryse? Was she safe?

He was too tired from everything that had happened that day to really want to dwell on that question. So, he decided, at least for now, that maybe he would do as Magnus said and just put it aside for the moment. Soon, though, he knew he would actually have to deal with it or it could, quite literally, come back to haunt him.

Chapter Text

Alec stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, trying desperately to understand how the last 48 hours of his life had turned everything he’d ever known spectacularly on its head. It was hard enough keeping it together when everyone was here. At least then, there was a distraction between Simon and Clary’s popcorn fight, Izzy playing referee, and Jace being done with everything, it was entertaining if nothing else. It’d been easier to forget what Maryse had told him. It’d been easy to kiss Magnus good night and pretend, at least for those few hours, that his life was still normal.

But now, in the grey pre-light of dawn, it was much harder to ignore. Though he was tempted, he didn’t go looking into the Circle. What his mother had revealed to him had been grizzly enough without wanting to find out the finer details. No, what had kept him awake and why he was awake now, was what it meant in the context of the narrative that he had constructed for himself.

The last few years he had spent believing that both his parents had hated him. Not for the first time, he thought that it was easier that way. Simpler. With that, maybe it hurt, but it was a cleaner break than the shades of grey that the black and white photograph had faded into. He wished desperately that Neela was there now. Not like she wasn’t a constant presence. He’d been texting her non-stop since well, everything. It just…was different without her here. What he wouldn’t give to have that wisdom guiding him now when his thoughts kept chasing themselves in circles.

He knew ultimately, though, that the only person who had the answers he sought was himself. Could he come to terms with this altered version of the parents he thought he had known? Could he believe that his own father was capable of such evil and hatred to send him off to cultists? Fully aware of what that would mean for him. His gut roiled and twisted at the thought.

No, Robert had never really been there, but when he was, he was nothing more than the characteristically aloof and absent father. Passively affectionate but never truly involved. It wasn’t Disneyland but that in no way measured up to the scope of what lurked behind the mask of indifference. Had it all just been an act? A way to bide his time?

Alec scrubbed his hands over his eyes and sighed. He remembered the last message Neela had sent him. Well, maybe not the precise wording, but he understood what she’d meant. That your parents were never the people you thought they were. In the end, they become less of a mythical presence in your life and more and more human. Riddled with just as many flaws as anyone else. Because, in the end, they were never anything more than that. Learning to live with that knowledge, on the other hand, was the harder part.

He knew his answer about Robert. He wanted nothing to do with him. Not that he’d wanted anything to do with him before this point, but now he was extra over the top done.

Maryse, on the other hand, was far more complicated. She, unlike Robert, had been involved in his life every step of the way. Had been a stern, but guiding hand when he needed her to be. It had hurt far more to have that safety net ripped out from under him.

Neela’s words reverberated once again as he thought through all that Maryse had told him over the last few days. He briefly wondered whether she’d have any motivation to lie to him, but Robert’s actions had spoken for themselves.

Sifting through the facts this much he knew for certain. His parents had an arranged marriage. That strangely fit into the impression he’d always gotten of their relationship growing up. A fondness forged not necessarily by mutual affection, but by mutual respect. It also made sense why he’d never met either of his grandparents in person.

Of course, he assumed that if they were alive Maryse would’ve found some way to keep in contact with them over the years. But, given what she’d told him about the Circle, it was more likely that they’d been forced to move far away. And, going on that, of course, she’d want to protect her children in the only way she knew how. Then again, it made him wonder. Were either of his grandparents even alive at this point?

He tabled that as a later thought.

Examining everything else, the pieces started to fall into place. His mother’s nervousness whenever they would go out of town for school trips. Her insistence on being a chaperone at nearly every event. Robert’s increasing absence in their lives as his obsession grew stronger. His fanaticism for religion that bled into their everyday lives.

Why his father had reacted the way that he did when Alec came out to him. And, he realized his mother’s reaction as well. Mired in that ideology for so long. As much stuck under his father’s thumb as he himself and his siblings.

He didn’t know if he was ready to forgive her yet, but he now understood at least her motivations and that made the sting slightly less bitter. Even if he wasn’t ready to forgive her, maybe he could try to get to know her again.

He turned the tap on and splashed water onto his face. The cold helped to wake him up slightly. Patting his face dry he made his way back to his room and sprawled out on the bed.

Sleep was elusive, so he picked up his phone. He saw a missed text from Neela and opened it. There was the general scolding about staying out of trouble, which he’d proven he could not do despite his best attempts. He scanned the last line and tears pricked his eyes. He did miss her. He wanted to be there now. He was beginning to regret that he’d ever decided to come here at all.

The only reason he’d even come here was to say goodbye to Jace. But Jace, ever since he’d gotten here, seemed to be doing at least marginally better, from what he’d seen. He knew, though, that diseases, especially cancer, could be fickle that way. Tricking you into believing that it would disappear and then attacking with a fiendishness as if it had never gone. Alec tried to believe in the positives of the doctors’ prognosis. But, those were never made with absolute certainty. There was always a chance that they were wrong. He wouldn’t believe that Jace was better until he heard the word remission.

Alec was glad he was able to make amends with his siblings. He hoped that he’d be able to do the same with Max.

He didn’t regret meeting Magnus. The feelings surrounding him were still completely overwhelming and foreign, but in the best way possible, he realized.

No, what he’d come to regret was ever trying to unearth the motivations of his parents kicking him out. It probably would’ve been simpler to take it at face value, but he just wasn’t that type of person. And would he have been better off if he had just left the secrets in their grave? Dead and rotting?  

It was too late now. The coffin had shattered and the rot had scattered. Had he accomplished anything by desecrating those secrets? Would it amount to anything, in the end, he didn’t really know. But he could’ve gone his whole life without actually knowing that his parents were involved in some strange cult.

Sighing, he twisted around again and threw his phone onto the bed, or tried to. It ended up bouncing off and thudding to the floor. He winced at the loud noise, hoping that it didn’t wake up Maia or that his phone screen hadn’t shattered on impact.

A tap at the door answered his first question. Maia didn’t wait for an answer as she poked her head in.

“Hey, you okay? I thought I heard something fall.”

“Uh, yeah, it was just my phone. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“I wasn’t asleep,” Maia said, opening the door fully and coming to sit on the bed next to him. “I couldn’t. I mean I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m worried about you.”

“Sorry,” He apologized again. “I didn’t want to keep you up.”

She scoffed. “Stop saying sorry. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

Folding her legs under her, she turned to him and tugged at his sleeve. “Talk to me.”

Sitting here, like this, was an echo of so many times past. Sober and not. Pouring their hearts out and knowing that the other would listen without judgment or recrimination. Looking at Maia, he remembered that he wasn’t in this alone. No more seventeens, they’d said. He wasn’t going to let himself get to that point again.

“Well,” He sighed. “I’m just so confused.”

“What about?” The question was asked lightly. As if she was asking what the weather was going to be that day. But there was a heavier undertone to it that belied the blasé nature of the question.

“I don’t know about everything.” He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “It’s all so complicated now. It was so much easier before.”

“Was it though?”

Alec glanced up at her and shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

“I mean was it actually easier?” Maia now took his hand in hers, “Alec, for as long as I’ve known you you’ve carried this hurt around inside of you. I know you try and pretend like you don’t but I could always see how much pain you were in. We could see how much pain you were in.”

We, Alec knew, referring to her and Neela.

“It was always like,” Maia continued. “Like you had this question that just wouldn’t leave you alone. It was eating you alive. I think deep down in here,”

She laid her other hand over his heart. “In here the thing you always wondered was if there was something that you did that made your parents not love you. And you built up these walls around that hurt as if you could block it out. But no matter how high the walls grew, it couldn’t keep you from asking yourself that question over and over again. And I know what that feels like because Alec, I’ve been there too. But I have to tell you, it isn’t easier to pretend like you don’t care what they think, because I think we both know that’s a lie.”

Alec stared at the earnestness in her expression as he digested what she’d said. As always, he was as transparent as glass when it came to her. He couldn’t fool her even if he tried. Was it actually easier or was he just telling himself that it was? No, he decided, it wasn’t. It was just simpler to pretend as though it didn’t hurt because then he didn’t have to confront the awful, painful question that Maia had just uncovered for him.

The reason why he didn’t let anyone in. The reason why he was so afraid to love. Because, in the end, he was convinced that he must have done something to make himself so unlovable by the people who were always supposed to love him unconditionally.

His eyes stung and he squeezed her hand. “You’re right. I think – I think all this time that I did care what they thought. I didn’t want to but I – I just wanted to figure out why, you know? What was it that I did that made them not love me?”

“Alec babe,” Maia shook her head. “Don’t you understand? You never did anything to make them not love you. You never did anything wrong. This isn’t something that you can fix because sweetie, you can’t fix something that’s not broken.”

Alec blinked, dumbfounded in the wake of that statement. It crashed over him and left him reeling. Looking at her now, Alec was discomfited to find that what he saw in her eyes was the thing that he’d been running from this whole time. Himself.

Could he be that person that Maia and Neela and now Magnus said that he was? Kind and brave and honest? That there was nothing wrong with him after all and the time that he’d spent trying to pick up the shattered pieces of himself, was just time spent grasping at empty air?

It was almost physical, the pain that wrapped itself around his heart, as his walls shook and then shattered. It was like staring at one spot on a painting. You’d been staring at it for so long that you didn’t realize you weren’t staring at just a flower, but standing on the top of a hillside with the whole world in the distance. It was the zoom-out lens on a video. Of course, she was right. All this time he’d been building these walls to keep people out but while he was doing that, he was also not letting anyone in. The only person who held the keys to get out of here was himself.

The monster under the bed had turned out to be an illusion after all. There was no monster hiding in the depths of the moat to eat him alive should he venture out of the castle. No, it was all just a figment of his imagination and his own self-recrimination. His own inability to believe in and love himself. But, he realized, he didn’t want to be that way anymore.

“I guess,” He said softly, “I never really thought of it that way.”

Maia was fighting back tears, he realized and he felt a stab of guilt. Why was he always making the people he loved so upset? Why –

He blinked stupidly as Maia slapped his chest lightly. “Don’t even go there, Lightwood. I’m not crying cause I’m upset, I’m crying cause I’m happy dumbass.”

“Really?” It was a dumb question for sure but Maia only shook her head again.

“Really. I’m happy because good Lord, it’s about time that you started to realize what we’ve been telling you all along. Now listen to me, okay? Are you listening?”

Alec nodded.

“Your parents were too caught up in their own shit to ever realize how they were affecting you. Your mother, she’s realized that and she’s doing her best to make it right. Whether you choose to accept that or not, that’s completely your decision. And whatever you choose to do will be the right decision for you. I don’t care what anyone else says, what do you want Alec?”

What did he want?

“I –“ He started, then stopped, “I want my family back. I – I want to try, I think.”

“Okay then,” Maia smiled softly. “So go get them. No one is stopping you. I’m sure not going to judge you.”

“Really?” He asked in disbelief again.

Maia nodded and in that, Alec realized that she was doing what she’d always done. Just like a parent teaching their kid how to ride a bike. They’d hold the handlebars for so long, then pretend that they were still holding on as they let you go, knowing that you had the ability to do it on your own but also knowing that you needed to understand that for yourself too.

He swallowed. “There’s still a lot of hurt. I still have so many questions. I don’t think I can forgive her right now and I’m not sure if ever will.”

“And that’s okay too. As long as you don’t let it continue to keep you from living.”

“But – even with that I don’t know. She messed up and she messed up bad. I – I don’t know it seems so crazy but I want to try again.”

“And your dad?”

“Fuck him,” Alec said immediately, surprising himself and Maia. They stared at each other and then broke into hopeless giggles.

“Sorry it’s just – I know there’s that whole bs about you have to love your parents no matter what but I don’t think that I have to. He tried to I don’t know abduct me at best and kill me at worst. He was ready to hand me off to those cultists and didn’t even seem like he’d be sorry if something bad happened to me. He told me I wasn’t his son. He broke our family apart. I don’t – I don’t have anything left there.”

“Well, okay then. And what about Magnus?”

That was a whole other topic that was just as frightening to contemplate. He thought about Magnus. His frankly over-the-top sense of style. Not to mention his flashy car that seemed to be more for fashion than function. Things that might have suggested that Magnus was shallow. But Alec didn’t think so. There was a depth to him that spoke to some hidden part of himself. A part of himself that he’d long pretended didn’t exist – in his world there had been no time for silly things like love or romance. Those were lofty ideals he’d thought about only after he’d gotten his M.D.

But, as he was starting to understand, you couldn’t plan out when you’d fall in love with somebody or how. And he was, he realized with startling certainty. He was falling for Magnus. Hard.

They’d known each other for a handful of days but it felt like he’d known Magnus for a lifetime already. He didn’t have to know all the finer details of Magnus’ life to feel like he somehow knew him. It seemed a strange kind of contradiction.

Alec was certain of one thing, though.

Magnus had swept into his life like a hurricane. Shaking loose all the boards he’d carefully nailed over all of the things he’d been hiding from without so much as a please or thank you. He’d taken one look at Alec and saw straight through him, past his defenses, and wanted him anyway. Yes, there was one thing he was certain of.

Now that he’d known Magnus there was no way he could imagine his life without him. He didn’t want to let him go. His fears be damned.

He wasn’t sure what to make of it, not yet, but no, there was no way he was letting him go. He said as much to Maia who gave him another one of those reassuring smiles.

“Well, okay then.” She repeated. “For the record, I think he’s just as head over heels for you.”

Alec opened his mouth, ready to refute her statement, then stopped. He thought about the way that Magnus had treated him over the short time they’d known each other. His patience. His understanding of everything. Dropping his work to be there when Alec needed him the most. Those weren’t the actions of a person who was using him simply for sex or as a casual fling. And why should he deny something that was so irrefutably true?

“Can I be honest?” He said instead.

Maia snorted. “Little late to ask that now.”

He managed a tight smile, then it dropped as he looked down at where their hands were still joined. “This – this thing with Magnus. It scares me shitless.”

Maia threw her head back and laughed. A real, full-bodied laugh.

Alec frowned, making to pull away, but Maia held on, not letting him move more than an inch as she collected herself. “Babe, no, I’m not laughing at you.”

“Promise.” She enunciated at the skeptical raising of his brows and the stubborn tilt to his mouth. “I’m laughing because that’s what love is. When you really care for someone, it feels like you’re standing at the edge of this cliff. There’s this steep drop off and you’re wondering if you step off what will happen? But what you can’t see is that there isn’t really a drop-off because the next ledge is only a couple of steps down. And your partner. They’re waiting there. They know it’s not that far and they’ll help you take those couple steps if they’re good. Magnus feels that way too, Alec. I’m sure of it if you asked him. I’m laughing because holy shit, I’d be concerned if you weren’t scared. Change is scary. It always is. But when it comes to love you’re not in it alone, or at least, you shouldn’t be.”

Slightly mollified, Alec worried his lower lip between his front teeth. “But what happens if he’s not there?”

“But what happens if he is?”

Alec thought about that question. Really thought about it. Could he believe that for once in his life he didn’t have to do something all on his own? Could he really reach out his hand and believe that someone would be there ready to take it in return? To catch him?

It seemed stupid. Reckless. Completely dangerous to trust his heart and himself to a man he’d just met. But he couldn’t deny the feelings that Magnus stirred inside of him. The wanting, for the first time in his life, to not be alone. What happens if he is?

“Okay.” He said finally.

Maia squeezed his fingers again, before letting their hands drop. She stood up, ruffling his hair and he swatted futilely at her. This was the same ritual they always did and Alec knew that it meant she loved him. She was like his sister and had never failed to hand him his ass when he needed it. Or to ask him the difficult questions he supposed he needed to hear.

“Hey, Maia,” He called out. She hesitated in the doorway and turned back to him.

“What’s up?”

“Thank you.”

She shrugged. “For what?”

Alec watched her disappear through the doorway and grinned. There was never a need for a thank you, in Maia’s opinion anyway, because she knew that if the situation was reversed, of course, Alec would do the same for her.

He leaned over the bed to pick up his phone where it’d dropped and was relieved to find that the screen hadn’t cracked. He pulled up his messages and scrolled to Magnus’ name.

Determinedly, he clicked on his name in his messages, smiling like an idiot at the text Magnus had sent him last night. He read over it again before tapping on the box to write a message of his own.

I have a really crazy question to ask you? Promise not to laugh?

Magnus sent him a questioning face emoji back. Alec’s lips pursed as he tried not to laugh, thinking about Magnus’ reaction to the out of the blue statement.

Hypothetically speaking. If I were standing on a cliff edge and you were standing on a ledge just out of sight below me but I didn’t know it and I walked off the cliff would you catch me?

Alec waited with bated breath for Magnus’ response and couldn’t help but feel a stab of disappointment when the minutes passed and he still didn’t get an answer. He frowned, deciding maybe he’d pushed too far too soon. He went to put his phone down but then it started buzzing with an incoming call. He answered it, already knowing who it was.

“Alec you ridiculous, wonderful man. Is that your way of asking if I’m in love with you?”

“Isn’t it a little early to be talking about the l-word?” Alec managed.

“Darling, love doesn’t operate on a time schedule.” Magnus reproached him gently. “Emotions just are.”

“I feel like maybe this is too soon?” Alec said.

“Are you saying that or is that a question?” Magnus’ voice held a trace of amusement.

“A question. I think.”

“Alec, I can tell you with confidence. The only people who know whether it is too soon are you and I. I told you, from the moment I met you, there was something about you that I just couldn’t get out of my head. What the world may say about it frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

Alec snorted at Magnus’ admittedly terrible Scarlett O’Hara impression. “Alec, what I’m trying to say here is yes. A million times yes I would catch you. I would hold your hand and guide you if you needed me to. I would let you fall if that is what you wanted even if it would break my heart. Darling, I’m yours in whatever way you will have me. I don’t care if anyone tells me it’s too soon because I have been waiting all my life to find you. And now that I have, I have no intentions of letting you go. Unless of course, that’s what you wanted me to do.”

Alec knew the answer, surely he did. But there was a difference in thinking you knew what someone would say and actually hearing them say it. He’d never been given an impassioned declaration of love before, but then again, he’d never really wanted to be given a passionate declaration of love before. “I – Magnus – I don’t have the ability to say all the things you just said. Which, they were great, I’m just – I’m not good at these types of things.”

Magnus laughed, amused by Alec’s fumblings.

“But,” Alec forged ahead, determined to get this out before he lost his nerve. “What I’m trying to say is. I feel the same way. I – I would want to catch you and um, I – I don’t want you to let me go or whatever. I – I want you in whatever way I can have you, Magnus.”

“Magnus?” The other end of the line was silent. “Magnus?!”

“I’m here.” Came the shaky reply. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No, you’re perfect.” Magnus’ voice was soft. “Absolutely perfect. You should know, I’m not an easy person to be with.”

“Neither am I.”

“I’ll make you angry.”

Alec snorted. “You think I won’t do the same?”

“I’m very um, flamboyant if you haven’t guessed.”

“No,” Alec gasped in mock surprise. “Of course I know that. And for the record, you should know I have a habit of being incredibly broody and closed off.”

“I don’t care.”

“I don’t care either.”

There was a pause and then they both giggled. Alec was the first to speak. “Magnus, I know we just met. I feel like I don’t know where this is going to go. But I know wherever that is, I want to go there – be there – with you.”

“I want the same thing, darling.” Magnus’ voice was full of emotions that filled Alec with a sense of warmth he hadn’t felt in a very long time, or really ever. It was different from the sort of care and tenderness he’d received from others, but no less sincere. A thing he supposed people called love although he was just beginning to figure out what that meant. All that he knew was when Magnus said his name or darling in that tone, he could forget, for at least a brief moment, all the things that had been shadowing him. It made it impossible for him to believe in the darkness when there was so much light.

“Can I see you tomorrow?”

“That could be arranged.” Alec could picture the way that Magnus’ lips twitched upwards at his words.

“I’ll pick you up during my lunch break. Around 1?”

“Okay.”

“I have to go, but I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah.” Alec agreed.

Then, he was gone.

He’d never felt this way and he was scared that maybe their flame would burn itself out too quickly. But then he remembered that standing outside the fire wasn’t really living at all. You had to take chances and risks because without them you never really lived at all.

He slid his phone into his pocket, getting to his feet and padding out into the living room. Maia was already sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone with a coffee cup precariously balanced on her stomach. She didn’t even glance up as she told him that there was still coffee in the percolator.

Cup in hand, he joined her on the sofa and turned on the TV. He flicked to the news for lack of anything better to watch and immediately regretted it. The negativity of it all just didn’t sit right with him so he flipped it over again, landing on the Discovery Channel. Fittingly, it was a documentary about whales.

He watched it for a few minutes as he finished his coffee and then took a quick shower. He glanced at the time and saw that Izzy would be there any minute.

He nudged Maia on his way past. “Are you going to be okay here on your own?”

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

Izzy was only picking him up. All of them insisted that he not go anywhere completely on his own since yesterday, not like he really wanted to anyway. He felt safe enough taking Max to the zoo, though. He doubted anything was going to happen there, or at least he hoped not.

The honking of a car horn pulled him out of his thoughts and he said goodbye to Maia who only raised one hand listlessly in reply. He closed the door behind him and descended the steps.

“Morning,” Izzy didn’t look at him as she greeted him, reapplying her already perfectly applied lipstick.

“Morning,” Alec slid into the passenger seat. “You look nice.”

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, “Thanks.”

“Got a hot date?” Alec joked and watched as her face flushed. “I – I was joking. I mean if you do that’s cool but um you don’t have to – “

“Alec,” Izzy cut him off sharply, stilling his flailing. “It’s fine. And uh, actually yeah I do.”

Alec wondered if it would be rude to ask with whom. Then again, that was none of his business.

“It’s um, it’s with Clary,” Izzy was now dangerously close to the fire engine red of her lipstick as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear nervously.

Alec knew that feeling all too well. The feeling of wondering what someone might say. He touched her shoulder lightly, “That’s great, seriously.”

He could tell by the way she relaxed that he’d said the right thing. She concentrated on the review mirror, reversing out of the drive carefully. They were silent for a few moments, Alec staring out the window at the passing houses.

When Izzy spoke again, her voice was uncharacteristically nervous. “Can I ask you something?”

Alec turned to look at her, noting the way she’d tensed up again. “What’s up?”

“How,” She paused, fingers tapping on the steering wheel. “How did you know you were gay?”

Alec was thrown back to a few days earlier, sitting with Jace in the hospital as he’d asked him the same exact question. “I didn’t. Not at first. But that’s mostly cause I didn’t have a name for it. Once I did it just made sense. Hearing the way the other boys talked about girls I realized that’s how I felt about boys.”

“But what if I think that way about boys and girls?”

“Well, I mean that’s okay too. You know you don’t have to put a name to it. A label is only there if you want it to be, Izzy. If you like Clary, you don’t have to say why, you can you know, just like her.”

Izzy’s hands were now white-knuckling the steering wheel, “I don’t know. I guess I never thought of it that way. Sometimes it seems like there’s so much pressure to just know who you are, like your sexuality. Are you gay or bi or whatever. And I just don’t know the answer to that.”

“It’s okay to not know,” Alec repeated gently. “Sexuality isn’t one of those things that’s permanent. It can change and that’s totally okay.”

Izzy’s lips pursed as she digested that statement. “That helps, no I mean it does. I guess maybe I’m just tying myself up in knots over nothing.”

“No,” Alec said, choosing his words carefully. “It’s okay to ask these questions, Izzy. It’s normal. You’re trying to find out who you are and that takes time.”

She sent a grateful smile his way, her features relaxing a fraction. “So is it okay if you know I go out with Clary just cause I like her? I don’t you know, have to say if I’m gay or whatever?”

“No, Izzy, you don’t,” Alec said gently.

Maybe those were the magic words because her grip on the steering wheel finally loosened and she sank back into the driver’s seat. “Sorry, I just – I feel like I can’t ask mom these types of questions ‘cause she just wouldn’t understand. And I can’t ask Jace because well – “

Alec nodded. “You don’t have to apologize, I get it. And yeah, Jace is not the most um, astute when it comes to things like this.”

Izzy laughed. “I know. I mean I love him but.”

Alec grinned, shaking his head. “He’ll get it, eventually.”

“Eventually.” She sighed, then paused a beat before speaking again. “Can I ask you another question?”

“You don’t have to ask permission. Shoot.”

“I want to tell Jace but um, I’m not sure with everything…” She trailed off uncertainly.

“Izzy, listen. If you feel like you want to tell him, then tell him. If you don’t, then don’t. You don’t have to tell anyone anything that you don’t feel comfortable with. Including about this.”

Izzy nodded, then flashed him a quick smile, reaching out to ruffle his hair. It was reminiscent of earlier, with Maia, and like before, Alec veered out the way, laughing. “Oh come on, it’s not fair that there’s two of you doing that now.”

Izzy laughed, sharp and bright. “That sounds like a you problem, big brother.”

Alec felt something warm bloom in his chest at her words. She hadn’t called him big brother in such a long time. It reminded him of better days. “You haven’t called me that in a long time.”

Izzy’s brow creased in confusion, “Called you – oh yeah, I guess not. Did you, um do you want me to not – “

“No,” Alec said quickly, “No it’s – it’s fine. I – I didn’t mean that in a bad way. It just surprised me a bit that’s all.”

“Okay,” The grin was back. “Uh, and just so you know, you give pretty good advice.”

Alec’s cheeks flushed, “I don’t think so. I was just being honest.”

“Don’t do that.” Izzy gave him a sharp look, “You do. You’re – you’re really good at talking to people. So, you know, give yourself a little more credit.”

Alec swallowed his desire to protest and shrugged. “I guess.”

Izzy looked like she might press him but instead shook her head. “I won’t argue with you, just keep it in the back of your head, okay?”

They lapsed into silence. Alec noted that they were only a couple of minutes away, early morning traffic having made the drive longer than it realistically should’ve been. As Izzy turned onto the small side street that led to the visitor’s parking area where they were meeting Maryse, she spoke without looking at him. “I think – I think I’m going to tell him.”

Alec found himself laying a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. “Okay. Just, you know, be upfront about everything. I think he’ll be happy for you.”

“You think so?”

Alec nodded. “Yeah, I really do. Jace may not be fast on the uptake but he cares and if it makes you happy, if she makes you happy. That’s all he’ll really care about.”

Izzy pulled into the spot beside Maryse’s just as he finished speaking and threw the car into park. Abruptly, Alec found himself dragged into a hug and he returned it hesitantly. He was still getting used to the idea of allowing other people besides Maia and Neela to touch him. Not that he minded, it was just different.

After a few moments, Izzy pulled away, dabbing at her eyes. “I missed you, you know? Like a lot. You – you always understood what I needed to hear and I just – I missed that about you but I missed you being able to talk to you like this. You’re – I guess what I’m trying to say is. Love you, big bro.”

Love. Wow, a week and a half ago he’d thought the only people he had room for in his heart had been Maia and Neela. Maybe, if he behaved, Alec thought he might’ve learned to like Jordan. But, it seemed too much to think that people he’d long given up as ghosts would take up the empty spaces they’d left behind in his heart. And now, now he had one more person to add to that list. It seemed like a lot to keep up with but, he reflected, the more you loved, the more you were loved in return and there was plenty to go around.

He reached out to tuck a strand of Izzy’s hair behind her ear, the way he’d done so many times in the past, and was surprised to find himself saying, “I love you too.”

And he wasn’t lying. He’d always loved Izzy and all of his siblings, but he’d never allowed himself to acknowledge that because it would hurt too much reminding himself of all that he’d lost. That feeling of warmth grew even more pronounced at the smile that stretched Izzy’s cheeks, making her dark eyes light up.

She hugged him one last time and then pushed him playfully. “All right, go. I really do have a hot date and you’re gonna make me cry. Do you know how long it took me to do my eyeliner like this?”

“All right, all right, I’m going,” Alec said, laughing. He got out, scanning the parking lot for Maryse’s car, and found it unerringly. Mostly because Maryse was pretty hard to miss in her pressed suit and heels. He knocked on the window, Izzy honking the horn in return, and jogged across the asphalt.

For the second time that morning, he found himself abruptly pulled into a warm embrace. . He let himself be held for a second before Maryse allowed him to step back. She took his face into her hands, drawing him down to her level and checking him over. It was something she hadn’t done since he was small. Or, at least, something she’d done up until he’d hit that growth spurt in 8^th grade and surpassed her in height.

“Alec, you have no idea how glad I am that you’re okay. I swear if I had known he was in town – “

“It wasn’t your fault.” Alec interrupted. “You had no way of knowing.”

“Maybe,” Maryse said doubtfully. “But I feel like if I’d told you earlier about well, everything, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s in the past,” Alec said and realized he meant it. All of it, it was in the past. Not that he didn’t have things he still had to work through, but he also knew that Maia was right. You couldn’t hold onto things and use them as a tint over the present. If you always looked at what was in front of you through the lenses of the past, you’d always end up repeating the same old things, same old mistakes.

His mother, whether well intentioned or not, had messed up and that had hurt, and in a lot of ways, it still did. There was work to do, but if she was willing to share the burden, then he was too.

Maryse stared at him for a second, assessing him, before she finally nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes,” She said simply, smiling at him. A real smile, not the fake one she gave to everyone else. This one reached her eyes. “I realize I’ve made a mess of things, Alec. There’s a lot of things I admit I wish I did differently. One of them has to be always having to have my way. If you say it’s in the past, then we’ll let it stay there. I know I can’t make up for what’s been done, but I do want things to be different now. But, I want to do this on your terms.”

It was Alec who now pulled Maryse to him. She was rigid in his arms for a second before she relaxed, returning the embrace. It was answer enough. There was no need for words.

Alec stepped back and Maryse turned to knock on the back passenger window. A moment later, the door swung open.

Alec felt his breath catch in his throat as he studied his youngest sibling. Max looked pretty much the same as he remembered, the same shock of dark hair that Max shared with him and Izzy. Unlike either of them, he wore glasses and they perched precariously at the edge of his nose. He had a large book tucked under one arm, the fingers of his other hand stuck in the pocket of his jeans. When Alec had left, Max had been little, well he was still little but littler. He had grown because of course he had, but he was mostly the way Alec remembered him being back then. Between all of them, he was the most cautious when it came to everything and that was reflected in the way that he hesitated just behind Maryse.

He stared up at Alec with a mixture of apprehension and curiosity, but mostly curiosity. Maryse laid a hand on his shoulder and gestured to Alec. “Max, this is Alec, your older brother. Don’t you remember?”

That was something Alec had always appreciated about her. That even when they were children she had always spoken to them like she would anyone else. They were just as capable of understanding as adults was her final say on the matter. It had made him feel seen like he was important and so was what he said. He could see that same effect on Max now, as he straightened just slightly and took a hesitant step forward. “I kinda remember you, but you don’t look the same.”

He cocked his head to the side, studying him, before turning to Maryse, “Mom, he has earrings!”

Maryse surreptitiously took the book from under his arm while he was distracted. Max being none the wiser. She appeared caught off guard for a moment by his outburst, then laughed, as she slid the book into the inside pocket of her suit jacket. “Yes, I suppose he does.”

“That’s so cool!” Max turned back to him. “Did they hurt?”

“A little bit, but not too much.”

“I’ve never seen a guy that had his ears pierced before,” Max told him matter-of-factly.

Alec smiled, “Well, now you have.”

“You’re pretty tall too,” Max observed, staring up at him. Alec glanced over to Maryse, who was looking at them with a soft expression. She indicated with a jerk of her head that she would be in the car and Alec nodded subtly, turning his attention back to Max who was expectantly waiting for a response.

“Sorry, buddy, what was that?”

“Oh, I was just wondering. Do you think I’ll be that tall someday?”

“Maybe.”

“I hope so.” Max seemed to lose all hesitancy and latched onto Alec’s hand, tugging him forward. “Hey my, well I guess she’s our mom said that you were gonna show me around. My favorite part is the reptile house. Hey, what’s your favorite animal?”

Alec considered the question as they approached the ticket booth. “Hmm, well sharks are pretty cool.”

“Yeah. Did you know that sometimes sharks eat weird stuff?”

“Weird stuff?” Alec glanced down at him, exaggeratedly raising one eyebrow. “Like what?”

“Like license plates and shoes and stuff.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty weird.”

Alec paid their entrance fee, which was pittance because it was technically sort of the off-season and this place was more like a wildlife sanctuary than an actual zoo.

Max kept up a steady stream of chatter about each of the animals they saw and even the ones that they didn’t. It was exhausting, but Alec found he didn’t mind. It was nice, being able to just be quiet and chime in with a question every now and again. Most of the time, kids just wanted to talk and they appreciated someone who would just listen. Listen and ask them questions because they thrived off the praise.

Alec didn’t mind being told for the thousandth time about how often lions slept during the day or that ostriches didn’t really stick their heads in the sand. He was also happy that he didn’t see any creepy people lingering around as they made the last loop around the boardwalk.

Max had fallen into a contented silence as he walked just slightly ahead of him. He stopped suddenly and glanced back at him, seemingly wanting to ask a question but deciding better of it.

“What’s up?” Alec asked as he caught up to where Max was staring intently at the ground. When Max didn’t respond, he laid a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, whatever it is you can tell me.”

“Mom says I shouldn’t ask rude questions,” Max said doubtfully, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Well,” Alec said, “I think that’s pretty good advice, but you know, with me you don’t have to worry about that.”

“You mean you won’t get mad?”

“I won’t get mad,” Alec promised. Max looked up at him, shadows of doubt still lingering at the edges of his expression as he warred with Alec’s words and Maryse’s instructions.

“It’s just,” Max paused and picked at a stray thread on his pants pocket. “Why did you go away?”

Alec felt his heart constrict at the words spoken in such a small voice. A change from the outgoing kid Max was just a few moments before. Now, he seemed hunched in on himself, as if he would be punished anyways despite what Alec had said. He’d known the question was coming but now that it was out in the open, he wasn’t sure how to explain it in a way that was adequate but not patronizing.

Taking Max’s arm gently, he led him to a nearby bench. He turned, tucking two fingers under Max’s chin and tipping it up. “I didn’t go away cause I wanted to. Sometimes things happen and people disagree. It’s – it’s sometimes the best thing that one person leaves.”

“But I didn’t want you to go,” Max said, gazing up at him and stating that as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

“I know you didn’t,” Alec replied evenly, tamping down on his emotional response to Max’s words. It seemed that Max remembered more than he’d thought, not that he was that surprised. But, still, he’d hoped that in some way, it wouldn’t have been more than a fleeting hurt. In its own way, that was also pretty naïve. “Buddy, sometimes things happen and people go away but you wanna know something?”

“What’s that?”

Alec sat back, staring out at the boardwalk and the trees clustered along its edges for a second before speaking. “Even if people go away they’re never really gone.”

Max squinted at him. “That doesn’t make sense.”

“Sure it does. See, people will come and go in your life, but the reason they’re never really gone is cause you can still think about them. In here.” Alec tapped the side of his head. “You still have some memories of me from before, right?”

Max nodded uncertainly. “Yeah. I remember you and Izzy and Jace, you used to play games with me. We’d play hide and seek or tag outside. You didn’t care about playing cars with me, not like Jace. I liked when you read me bedtime stories too.”

“See? I was still with you.”

“But it wasn’t the same.” Max persisted.

“No, it isn’t buddy. It’s not the same but it’s a way to remember people when you miss them a lot.”

“Oh,” Max said softly. “I guess that makes sense. I still missed you though. I wish you didn’t have to go away.”

“Yeah, me too, buddy,” Alec said. They were silent for a few moments before Alec got up, holding his hand out to Max. “C’mon we still got some cool stuff to see, right?”

Max nodded, taking his hand and letting himself be pulled up. They walked quietly and then Max looked up at him. “Can you know not go away like that again?”

“I can’t promise that I’ll see you in person a whole lot but I can promise that I’ll call you as often as I can and I can send you cards and things like that.”

Max considered this, “Okay. But you’ll still be my brother?’

“I’ll always be your brother.” Alec felt good about promising that one because it was true.

Max brightened at that and tugged at his hand. “You’ll always be my brother too.”

Alec felt his eyes burn at the statement said with such emphasis and certainty. But he didn’t dwell on it, once again letting himself be pulled along and drowned in the chatter. They emerged, maybe fifteen minutes later. Max had a new book, one all about alligators and crocodiles, clutched protectively to his chest, his other hand still entwined with Alec’s.

Alec had texted Maia about ten minutes ago that they were wrapping up and he knew she’d be there any minute. It made him sad to think that his time here was coming to an end. It didn’t seem fair that he should be able to recover so much and then, in a way, have to lose it all over again.

Max was reluctant to let him go, which pulled at his heartstrings in a whole different way. Maryse was patient, though, letting Max hang out with him until he saw Maia pull into the lot.

He pulled Max to him, and his youngest sibling clung to him tightly. “I promise that I will see you before I have to leave.”

“You pinkie swear?” Max asked doubtfully, his voice muffled in the fabric of Alec’s t-shirt.

“I promise, buddy.”

“Okay,” Max let go of him reluctantly and darted into the car. Alec was familiar with that behavior, considering it was something he’d done himself when he was Max’s age. If he could wall himself off, then the sound of goodbye hurt just a tiny bit less.

Maryse smiled at him, “Thank you for agreeing to take him today.”

“It was no trouble, really.” Alec shook his head.

“It means a lot to him, you know? I guess I keep saying this, but it’s true. I think about how much time we could’ve had if I had just – oh I don’t know. Just stood up to your father. Done something different – “

“It’s in the past now,” Alec cut her off gently. “What’s done is done and we can’t go back. We can’t make up for the lost time, but we can make the time we have now count.”

 “Okay, if that’s all right with you?”

“It is,” Alec said firmly, “I spent a lot of time being angry with you because of the person I thought you were. I know now that well – that you were going through things too.”

“That doesn’t excuse what I did,” She replied softly. “Yes, I was also going through things, but I was an adult Alec. I was – am your parent. I should’ve done the right thing.”

“Then prove to me that you can.”

She met his gaze and nodded sharply, “I know I don’t deserve the second chance you’re giving me, but I promise you, Alec, I’m going to do things better now.”

Alec recognized the stubborn tilt of her chin. It was the same way she got on a difficult case, one she was bound and determined to win no matter what. It made him feel that same feeling of warmth that his mother was turning that dogged mentality on fixing what she’d broken between the two of them. On showing him that she wasn’t just giving him lip service. Time would only tell what this would pan out to be, but he was willing to take the chance. Maybe it would mean his heart being shattered again, but he knew even if that were the worst possible outcome he would never be alone again. Even if Maryse and him never rebuilt that bridge, he would always have his siblings, Maia, Neela, and now Magnus.

He wasn’t alone. Not anymore and that made the idea of taking chances a little less terrifying.

She gave him a tight, uncertain smile. Alec found himself returning it and pulling her into a quick hug. “Is that offer for dinner still on the table?”

“Yes, of course,” Maryse replied breathlessly.

“Good, we’ll be there.”

Maryse nodded, stepping back and letting him go. Alec forced himself not to turn around as he crossed the parking lot.

Maia unlocked the doors for him and he slid into the passenger seat. “I take it things went well?”

“Yeah, you know, maybe this is crazy but I think my mom is serious.”

“Alec,” Maia said, as she reversed out of the parking lot and back onto the main road, “I know she is. Trust me, whatever she’s done I can tell that woman loves you, loves all of you.”

“I want to believe that but – “

“It’s okay, babe, it takes time. You don’t go from believing one thing to believing another overnight. Sure, you can want to rebuild and move on, but to really, truly believe it way deep down? That’s the kind of work that takes a while.”

“Yeah,” Alec said softly. Maia squeezed his arm gently. They lapsed into a comfortable silence all the way back to the condo.

The rest of the day flew by in a blur. As Alec got ready for bed that night, he thought about what Maia had said. Sometimes it was easy to love and be loved in return, like it was with Magnus, because Magnus, so far, hadn’t done anything to make him doubt the feelings between the two of them. It became much harder to care about someone when you’d been burned.

He wondered if he’d ever be able to trust his mother completely again. Whether or not they really could set things right, or if there would always be lingering doubts in the back of his mind. What he did know, though, was that it was at least worth trying to figure out if they could get there someday.

Chapter Text

Alec couldn’t help but think about Magnus’ words from a few days earlier as he faced the grey metal folding chair. It had been nice, maybe a bit naïve, to believe that possibly, all dealings with the Circle and the police could be wrapped up in a neat bow as soon as Robert was arrested.

Of course, they all wanted to believe the best. Him more than anyone. But life had a funny way of reminding you just how much of an asshole it could be as soon as everything else started to look up.

The day had started normal enough. He and Maia teasing each other and making a general mess of the kitchen when they were supposed to be, ostensibly, cooking pancakes. That had soon devolved into an all-out flour war. There were, sadly, no winners, only losers as they both ended up spending twice the time it should’ve taken to make them cleaning up the kitchen, but it was fun. They’d spent the rest of the morning going over what they wanted to do in the couple of days they had left and when they wanted to open presents with Neela and Jordan.

He’d headed out soon after to meet up with Magnus for coffee. Well, that’s what he would’ve liked to have been doing. But he’d no sooner sat down than he’d noticed two strange men eyeing him from across the room. It had made him uneasy, but he’d told himself he was being paranoid.

That was, until, they’d both gotten up and walked towards his table. They positioned themselves in such a way to appear both non-threatening and effectively cage him into the booth. In lowered voices, they’d explained to him that they were police.

Alec had been rightfully skeptical until they’d shown their badges and ID. Aside from that, they didn’t offer him any explanations about why they were there, only asking him to come with them. It wasn’t much of an ask. More like a, come with us, or else. So, reluctantly, Alec had followed them out of the restaurant, annoyed because they took his phone so he couldn’t even tell Magnus where he’d gone.

They’d ushered him into their car, as nondescript in appearance as they themselves. Alec tried to suppress his amusement as they gave him the standard one-liner that he’d seen in a million and one police shows. He had the right to remain silent, etc, etc. Except, he wasn’t actually being arrested was he? And for what? He was pretty sure they were supposed to have told him that even when he blatantly waved his rights and kept pestering them with questions. Until, eventually, he gave up because he realized he wasn’t going to be getting anything out of them.

His feelings of unease only deepened when they pulled up to the back of the station and escorted him inside. It all passed in a blur of grey tones and noise as he was summarily shuttered into the interrogation room before being left where he was currently, facing that stupid metal folding chair and wondering what the hell was going on.

His thoughts bounced around, refusing to settle on one thing for too long. He worried about Magnus thinking that he’d stood him up. He worried that maybe something had happened to his family, Maia, Neela. Had it been the Circle? Or was he just being paranoid?

A shiver of unease curled down his spine as he wondered if maybe Robert had managed to escape from jail, but that was ridiculous, right? Unfortunately, there was no one here to talk him down. He didn’t even have his phone to text someone and have them reassure him that everything was going to be all right because as of now, that seemed to be very far from the truth.

He fought the urge to pace the room but he was starting to feel extremely caged in. It didn’t help that he had no idea how long he’d been there because there was no damn clock in the room.

His stomach growled unhappily, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten yet. His fingers beat an uneven tattoo on the table as he wondered why the universe liked to play so many games with him. Just yesterday, the future had looked brighter than it had in a very long time and now, possibly, he was being detained for a crime he didn’t even know he’d committed.

He glanced around the room, taking in the threadbare carpeting that had clearly seen better days. Of course, the stupid metal folding chair facing him and the nicks and dings in the plastic table. The walls looked like the walls you put in a school auditorium or something. Except he was pretty sure that school auditoriums wouldn’t have allowed in half the people who’d probably been in here before him. In fact, he was trying desperately not to go down that line of thinking.

It didn’t even make sense why he was here.

Alec looked at the door for the ten millionth time and hoped somebody in this place would tell him what the fuck was going on. Maybe that whole manifestation thing actually worked because only a few seconds later, one of the plainclothes from earlier was striding into the room.

Alec recognized him. He was the same officer from the other day when – his stomach went queasy at the thought of what could’ve happened to him. However, this time, the man’s demeanor was completely different as he took a seat in the only other unoccupied chair in the room and stared at Alec.

He wasn’t sure what he should say, but the look the man was giving him was making him question whether or not he’d done anything wrong. He was feeling like he should be making a confession to a crime that was more or less imaginary.

He startled as the detective let the papers he held fall out of his hand with a loud thump. Sliding them across the table, he quirked a brow that let Alec know he was supposed to look at whatever they were.

He glanced down at the top page and his stomach rolled. He didn’t know quite where the place was he was looking at, but it was some type of room with grey concrete walls, but that wasn’t the cause for his nausea. No, it was the weird symbols splashed across the walls, inked on with some type of dark paint. The more he looked at it, the more certain he became that it wasn’t paint although he didn’t want to try and guess what it actually was. That, and the puddle of what was clearly blood on the periphery of the photo. He’d never seen so much blood in one place and it made bile pool in the back of his mouth.

His hands shook as he shoved the papers back across the table. Darting his eyes up to the detective, he licked his lips nervously. “I don’t understand.”

In lieu of giving Alec anything to go off, the detective said. “Where were you last night?”

“Last night?” Alec said, bewildered. “I was um, well let’s see. I went to see my mom and brother yesterday afternoon at the zoo, well animal sanctuary. Then uh, I met up with my friend and we went back to where we were staying, and um, that’s about it.”

“Do you have anyone who can corroborate that?”

“Y-yeah.” He answered shakily. “My mom and my friend.”

The man produced a blank piece of paper and a pen, laying it in front of him. “I’m going to need names and numbers.”

Alec mechanically wrote down Maia’s number, then realized he didn’t have his mother’s memorized. He wrote down her name and the name of her firm. “You can call my mom at work.”

The detective nodded, tucking the paper into his pocket and leaving without a backward glance.

Alec couldn’t stop thinking about that photo though. What were those weird symbols? And – oh God, he didn’t want to contemplate this but were they written in blood?

But who’s blood and it still didn’t answer the question of why the hell he was here.

He startled again as the door opened, the detective from before settled back into the chair and now gave him a sympathetic look. “I apologize for all of this, but we have to cover our bases.”

“For what? I don’t understand. What is going on here and w-who’s blood was that?”

“Is there someone I can call? Anyone who can be here with you?”

Alec shook his head. “Why would you need to call someone? What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but, your father – he was murdered last night.”

He heard the words but he didn’t hear them because they didn’t make any sense. How could his father have been murdered? Wasn’t he supposed to be in jail?

Alec shook his head again and asked numbly. “Murdered?”

“Again, I’m sorry to have to put you through this, but you have to understand, the circumstances.”

It sounded like someone else who was talking when he asked. “What circumstances?”

“About six o’clock last night, there was a break-in reported at the station. Several masked men came in and held personnel at gunpoint. They waited until shift change when there would be fewer people in the building, so they must’ve pre-planned this. According to eyewitnesses, they were instructed to hand the keys over to the cells.

One of the men left and came back, apparently with your father. According to security camera footage and testimonies, your father left with these people willingly. It didn’t appear as though there was any kind of a struggle so it seems he must’ve known them.

After reviewing the surveillance footage, I am confident that these were all men who belonged to the Circle.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Because,” Now it was the detective who was tapping on the table, “They all wear the same thing. Dressed in a black uniform, almost tactical gear, and it’s all embroidered with their insignia. At any rate, your father must’ve thought they were there to rescue him.

It’s hard to know what happened after that because as soon as your father was out of the building, they knocked the personnel out with some type of chemical and left. Officers came to around twenty minutes later and checked the cells. All other prisoners were secured. The only one missing was Robert Lightwood.

They left behind no evidence of where they went, obviously, and despite several roadblocks being set up and search teams being deployed, we could not locate where your father had gone. Until this morning.

Maintenance guy at the cemetery was doing his usual routine, cleaning up around the mausoleums when he noticed something weird. One of them had its door ajar. He figured it was stupid kids doing some type of YouTube thing, so he walked up there to tell them to leave when he found well, that.”

The detective gestured vaguely to the photos and papers that were now lying abandoned on one corner of the interrogation table.

“Guy got so freaked out, he ran screaming into the antique shop across the street. Folks called the police and now, here we are. You can understand, after the incident a couple of days ago, why we would want to tread with caution.”

“So you’re telling me,” Alec said slowly. “You thought I would murder my own father?”

The detective shook his head. “Not particularly, but I’ve learned to cover my ass. You see some crazy shit working this job, but you didn’t strike me as the type. I have to do what the boss says though.”

“Right.”

The man cleared his throat. “At any rate, it’s a good thing I have you here because there is something else I need to speak with you about. You and your family.”

Wasn’t telling him about his father’s murder enough?

“I’m sorry, again, to be putting all of this on you at one time, but all of you are in some pretty serious danger. The Circle, they left a note.”

He laid it on the table and Alec glanced down at it, trying to ignore the rust-brown stains dotting the edges of the vellum. It was quite simple really, reading only – We know who you are Alec Lightwood.

The threat was very clear. Best wishes, indeed. Despite Magnus’ reassurances, it seemed, either through Robert or other means, the Circle was very much aware of who he was and he didn’t even want to contemplate what they’d do if they found him.

His mother’s words came back to him in an echo. The fear in her voice as she’d explained her role in the Circle, how she’d been willing to completely exile him from her life if that meant she could keep him safe from them. It turned out, in the end, she was right. Things that were buried rarely stayed that way.

The Circle knew who he was and they were coming for him.

As if echoing his thoughts, the detective began to speak again. “As I have come to understand it, if the Circle knows who you are, they will not leave you alone. Not you, nor your family. Especially seeing as your mother has previous connections to the organization, I’m sure you can understand our concern.

It is vital that you and your family leave the state immediately. We will be issuing a protection detail as soon as the marshals get here, which should be in about an hour. Until that point, no one you have associated with is safe.”

“What’s going to happen after that?” Alec hated how small his voice sounded, but damn it, he wasn’t too proud to admit that he was scared, really scared. The Circle had murdered his father, one of their closest members. Clearly, betrayal, even the appearance of it, would be met with no mercy. Failure was not an option to them and his father, in their eyes, had failed by not bringing Alec to them.

The message was plain. If Robert couldn’t finish the job, they would.

He was hardly listening as the detective continued talking. “Do you have anywhere you can go? Anywhere that you know the Circle isn’t aware of?”

Alec thought about telling the detective what he felt like was the truth. That he was certain there was anywhere he could go that the Circle wouldn’t find him. Whether or not he wanted it to be, he was damned to the same fate as his parents. Constantly looking over his shoulder for a threat that may or may not be there.

But he couldn’t exactly tell the detective that, could he? There was only one place left for him. The place he’d run to before, but still, he wasn’t sure it was very safe anymore.

“I go to school in New York.”

“Is the Circle aware of this?”

Alec decided to go for a half-truth. “I’m sure they could be but, I never gave Robert an address.”

The detective grimaced and Alec realized their thoughts were more closely aligned than he thought.

“It’ll have to do. We’ll initiate the transfers, get the documents sorted out with the marshals. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of everything.”

“And then what?”

The detective smiled sympathetically, a tinge of sadness making the edges of his lips curl downward. “Then, unfortunately, your family will have to start over.”

“But my brother is sick, he can’t travel!” Alec protested. That was only one of several problems he could see with this scenario.

“We’ll have to speak with his doctors and find that out for sure. I know this is difficult, but it really is for the best.”

“For how long then?”

“For as long as it takes to track these people down.” The detective’s expression turned grim. “We’ve done a lot of work over the years to take them out. These are dangerous people, Mr. Lightwood. It is imperative that you and anyone you’ve associated with since meeting with Robert Lightwood leave as soon as possible.”

His mind flashed to Magnus.

“Now,” the man straightened. “I’m going to need a list of all the people you’ve directly interacted with in the past 72 hours, including the name of the man who took you home the other day.”

“What does Magnus have to do with any of this?”

“Mr. Lightwood, if he was seen with you that day, chances are that he could also be in danger.”

Alec felt his gut clench at that.  

As if sensing where his mind had gone, the detective gave him another one of those sympathetic smiles. “This isn’t your fault, kid. I just have to do my job, okay? And my job is to protect people, like yourself.”

Alec nodded mechanically, reaching once again for the sheet of paper to scrawl, sloppily, the names of all the people he could think of. It was lame, really. Mostly his family members and of course, Maia and Magnus.

The detective still hadn’t given him back his phone when he went out again, leaving Alec in complete silence wondering what the hell just happened and if any of this was actually real or just some elaborate prank.

It turned out to be the former, considering someone had to escort him to the condo to grab his things and car. They wouldn’t let him go anywhere alone. It was nerve-wracking, especially as he tried to explain to Maia why and how this seemingly simple vacation was now turning into the worst nightmare of his life. After his parents kicking him out and realizing his dad was a part of a murderous cult who had well, murdered his father. That also knew who he was.

A doctor signed off, surprisingly, on letting Jace travel, with the exception of him needing to see a doctor when he got to his destination. Since everyone was apparently suspect at this point, they’d had to tell them that they were going on an extended vacation.

It all passed in a blur as they were appointed separate leave times. He still hadn’t had a chance to talk to Magnus to explain what the hell was going on as he’d done with Maia. He couldn’t imagine what he was thinking right now.

Everyone was told to take only what was necessary and his mother, having done this once before, had gone into full-on lawyer mode. Packing up photos and documents into suitcases and choosing only the things they were absolutely sure they’d need. Izzy was having a harder time with it, especially at the prospect of leaving Clary and Simon behind which actually turned out to be not the problem she thought it was because Clary’s stepfather and Simon’s guardian (long story), Luke Graymark who was also somehow seeing Maryse? – it all confused him – was somehow a part of this weird Circle thing at one point and had adamantly refused to stay where he couldn’t keep an eye on all of them.

Because it turned out, Luke was some kind of crazy, secret service type who had also been working with local law enforcement all over the country to track down Circle members and bring them to justice.

It was all very strange, convoluted, and most likely not according to protocol, but somehow, three short days later they were all in Alec’s sleepy little university town in Upstate New York. The first thing he’d like to have done was tell Neela why he’d been no contact for the last few days but the marshals were insistent on making sure his place was secure before giving him a completely different phone with strict instructions to never talk about any of this with it.

Thinking about that note, Alec was more than willing to comply. Thankfully, after ensuring that there were no black-clad assassins in any part of his tiny studio, they left, giving him their phone numbers to use only in emergencies and telling him they’d be back the following day.

The first thing he did was text Neela that he was okay. She, predictably, had a slew of questions he couldn’t answer over the phone, so he promised he would stop by the café in a couple of hours. The next thing he did was text Magnus, who was equally worried and happy to hear from him. It turned out the marshals had made him relocate his apartment.

While it kind of made them sitting ducks, it also helped if they were all relatively close to one place if shit were to go down. Meaning, even though it was a longer commute for Magnus, that he was just down the street and Alec couldn’t lie, the thought of seeing him was too much of a temptation to not cave in to.

He grabbed his jacket, wound his scarf around his neck, and made sure his pepper spray was in his pocket where it belonged. Thankfully, there was no one out, considering the sun was starting to set and it was getting colder by the minute.

On his way, he texted Maia to let her know he was okay and if she wanted to meet up for dinner tomorrow night. She texted back immediately, letting him know that she was also safe and that they could meet at Tony’s. He tucked his phone back into his pocket and picked up the pace. Even with a scarf and coat, it really was freezing.

Having lived here for the past few years, he found Magnus’ apartment with no trouble at all. He knocked on the door and there was muffled cursing from inside, followed by some kind of crash, and then Magnus was throwing the door open, panting slightly. “Sorry about that – “

There was another crash and Magnus winced. “And equally sorry about that. Chairman uh, doesn’t do well with change.”

Alec nodded, moving past Magnus into the apartment. He went to take off his coat, but Magnus was already there, doing it for him. Unwinding his scarf and hanging it on a coat rack along with his jacket.

He kicked his shoes off and followed Magnus into the rest of the apartment. It was a one-bedroom, unlike his tiny studio. Boxes littered every available inch of floor space, teetering in precarious piles.

The cause of the crashes, though, seemed to be two food dishes that were now laying on the linoleum. Perched above them on the countertop was a black and white cat that was looking at them with so much disdain that Alec couldn’t help but laugh.

Magnus chuckled, “Yeah, he’s kind of a brat, but I love him anyway, I think. Let me just.”

He gestured vaguely in the cat’s direction and Alec gave him a reassuring smile, picking his way around the boxes to slump onto a loveseat that had been transplanted to the middle of the room. It was one of the few pieces of furniture he could see, along with a couple of large armchairs, what he assumed to be bookcases and an entertainment center. Everything else was buried under a sea of boxes.

He watched as Magnus righted the bowls, electing to leave them on the floor in favor of the counter as he filled them with kibble and water. Chairman watched him imperiously like a king observing a lowly servant, which made Alec giggle again.

Magnus looked up at him and grinned, moving to the kitchen sink to wash his hands. “I know. He has me very well trained.”

Walking back into the living room, he sat down on the edge of what Alec could now see was a coffee table, close enough that Alec could feel the warmth radiating off him, but not close enough that they were actually touching.

Now that he was here, Alec wondered how he could’ve possibly dragged Magnus into all of this mess. Guilt twisted his stomach into knots and he stared at the floor, in favor of meeting Magnus’ eyes. Maybe this was all a mistake and he should –

“Don’t.”

Magnus didn’t raise his voice above a whisper but it got Alec’s attention anyway. “Don’t hide from me, Alec. Listen, was I scared shitless these last couple of days, hell yes. But only because I was worried about you.”

Alec shook his head in disbelief. “That’s what you were worried about?”

Magnus gave him a soft, half-smile. “I will admit, at first when you weren’t at the café I did assume maybe our conversation had scared you away. I was going to head home to lick my wounds when I was headed off by a couple of officers.

They wouldn’t tell me where you were, only that I needed to make arrangements to leave that evening. I tried explaining my research but they wouldn’t hear it. I called my advisor, explained that there was an emergency and they let me come back here early.

I don’t know how, but someone sorted out the situation with my landlord. It was a different story trying to explain things to Ragnor without giving too much away, but I think he understood that it was out of my hands. He’s still mad at me, but I’ll find a way to make it up to him.

At any rate, as soon as I knew that it wasn’t by your choice, I was worried sick about you. After the other day, I thought well, I thought the worst.”

Impulsively, Alec sat forward to take Magnus’ hands in his. He wondered how he could have ever thought for even a second that Magnus would kick him out. He’d told him he was in it for the long haul. The least Alec could do was believe him.

That still didn’t stop the apology from spilling out of him. “I’m sorry.”

Magnus squeezed his hands. “It’s not your fault, darling.”

Alec couldn’t help the way his mouth twisted downwards at the words.

Magnus gave him a searching look. “What’s with the face?”

He shook his head. “It’s just – I feel like all of this is my fault. If I hadn’t decided to go see Jace– “

“None of this is your fault,” Magnus repeated, his words brooking no argument on the matter. “You had no way of knowing that any of this would happen. Unless you can suddenly see the future?”

“Well, no, but – “

“But what? Do you have the all-seeing eye? Listen, Alec, there’s no way you could’ve predicted what Robert would do. This isn’t your fault because you didn’t make this mess in the first place and I don’t regret meeting you. I would do it all again, Alec.”

Alec swallowed, throat suddenly feeling tight around the knot of feelings that welled up inside of him. “I just feel bad. I mean, you had to leave your apartment, move. You had to leave your research.”

“Worth it.”

Alec’s gaze dropped to the ground again, unable to meet Magnus’ eyes as he remembered why they’d been forced to go back early. “There’s something else I have to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“The reason,” He cleared his throat, finding it hard to force the words out, “the reason for all of this is because – because Robert was murdered.”

He ignored Magnus’ sharp inhalation and pressed on. “That’s not all, though. The Circle, they left a note. It said – it said we know who you are Alec Lightwood.”

He waited for Magnus to speak but was met instead with silence. It went on for several long moments. Eventually, Alec picked his gaze up from the floor, poised to ask a question when he froze as he saw the expression on his boyfriend’s face.

It was a mixture of things, anger, protectiveness, hurt. Too many for him to be able to name as Magnus struggled to gain his composure. His grip on Alec’s hands was like a steel band, riding the knife edge of too much but Alec didn’t want to pull away. Instead, he sat forward so that their knees were touching and leaned his forehead against Magnus’.

“Hey, look, I’m right here. I’m okay.”

Magnus’ eyes were pinched shut as he took several deep, shaky inhalations. His voice when he spoke was hoarse, almost too quiet for Alec to hear him. “I was so scared and now – “

“Shh,” Alec breathed, “it’ll be okay.”

Magnus choked out a laugh, “Aren’t I supposed to be the one comforting you?”

“I don’t think it works that way.” Alec pointed out, then added. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

Magnus’ grip relaxed as sat back to cup Alec’s face in his palms. “I know. I know. You didn’t ask for any of this. You’re just – you’re so brave, Alec.”

He shook his head in denial. “I’m not.”

“But you are, Alec. When you could’ve been worried about yourself, you were too busy worrying about everyone else. And with what Robert did, you didn’t run and hide. You just kept living, moving forward. And even now, you didn’t question. You just did what you had to do to make sure that everyone was okay. You are. You are so brave.”

Alec felt the beginnings of tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as Magnus placed a gentle kiss on the inside of his wrist, just above where his pulse thrummed beneath thin skin and the blue of his veins. The touch was warm, soft. It was that same feeling. That feeling of being home, safe. Like no matter what happened, as long as he had Magnus, holding him like this, he knew it would be okay.

“I love you.”

Magnus froze for a moment, golden eyes flickering up to his. He saw the moment Magnus decided that there was no fear in those words because his eyes practically glowed as he met Alec’s gaze and held it.

“I love you.” He repeated, louder.

Magnus’ lips curled up into a tender smile, “I love you.”

“Say it again,” Alec pleaded as he tugged Magnus forward.

“I love you,” Magnus murmured as he kissed him. Alec opened to the kiss, let himself be pressed backward until he was afraid he might topple over.

The sound of a cat meowing had him breaking the kiss abruptly, turning to look over Magnus’ shoulder and saw Chairman watching them reprovingly.

A giggle bubbled out of him before he could stop it, “I don’t think Chairman likes it when you kiss me.”

“Sometimes, I’m not sure that cat likes anything,” Magnus muttered, sitting back reluctantly, “I can’t believe I got cock blocked by a cat.”

Alec couldn’t stop laughing at the way Magnus was pouting.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.” Magnus scowled at him, getting up to start rummaging through one of the boxes nearby.

Once he got himself under control, he draped himself over the other man’s back. “Don’t be mad. It’s cute when you pout.”

“Did you just call me cute?” Magnus asked, hands stilling. “I am not cute. I am sexy but I am not cute.”

It took everything he had not to start laughing again. “Right. Very, very sexy.”

“Exactly,” Magnus said, somewhat mollified now that Alec had stopped laughing. “Wait, are you making fun of me?”

“No,” Alec said quickly, “I’m just agreeing with you.”

He was sure he could imagine what Magnus’ face looked like in that moment. Some variation of annoyed and trying not to laugh.

“Pretty smooth, I’ll give you that,” Magnus told him, turning around in his arms. He carded a hand through Alec’s hair. “It helps that you’re easy on the eyes, too.”

Alec found himself flushing. Instinctively, he looked down, not wanting to meet Magnus’ gaze cause he was sure he would spontaneously combust if he did from sheer embarrassment.

The gentle pressure of fingertips under his chin had him looking up despite his misgivings. “I told you, don’t hide from me.”

Alec’s fingers flexed where they were still wrapped around the tops of Magnus’ arms. He wasn’t sure what his expression was like, but he could guess it was something similar to a deer caught in the headlights. Except, it wasn’t the brightness of artificial illumination that had him startled, but the way that Magnus was studying him with so much intensity he had no hopes of concealing what he was feeling in that moment. How fucking far gone he was on this man and how totally insane this whole thing was.

His lips parted on instinct as Magnus leaned closer to him and then he stopped, casting a glance over his shoulder to where Chairman was currently giving himself a bath. “Hold that thought. Come on.”

He led them deeper into the apartment, weaving around more precarious stacks of boxes before shoving a door open with his foot.

Alec could see this was the one room in the whole apartment that actually looked like it had been completely put together. A vanity/dresser dominated one wall with what looked like the entire contents of a makeup store strewn across it. Opposite it, situated below a large window, was the bed.

Pillows in various shades of yellow and gold were clustered near the headboard, which paired nicely with the cream color of the comforter and matching embroidered thread that wove an intricate abstract design throughout the whole thing.

A pair of nightstands flanked the bed on either side, matching the dark wood of the vanity. In contrast, there was hardly anything adorning them. A picture of Magnus with a man and a woman he didn’t recognize. Another picture with another person he didn’t recognize. Two lamps and a jewelry dish.

A chair shoved into one corner held what looked like the entire contents of Magnus’ closet thrown over it. Overall, the room gave the impression of being lived in. It was tastefully decorated and flamboyant enough to be so completely Magnus.

But he only got a minute to take in the surroundings before he was being pushed onto the comforter, which turned out to be as soft as it looked.

Magnus seemed to hesitate for a moment, and Alec couldn’t help but roll his eyes, tugging him down with him. “I’m not a complete innocent.”

Magnus snorted. “Oh trust me, I hold no illusions about your innocence. I just don’t want to pressure you into doing something you’re not ready for.”

“See,” Alec said, “I recall a few days ago, we were in a position very similar to this. And I was hoping, maybe you’d like to um, recreate that uh, with me?”

Shit, that had sounded so much better in his head.  

He watched as Magnus’ lips curved up into a salacious smile. “Oh, darling, all you had to do was ask.”

Magnus kissed him, a soft press of lips. It didn’t stay that way for long, Alec’s lips parting underneath the pressure as Magnus’ tongue intertwined with his.

Alec’s hands slid down, up underneath Magnus’ shirt, tracing the muscles beneath taut skin. In retaliation, Magnus copied his movements, sliding under Alec’s shirt, fingers reaching up to pinch his left nipple. An action that had him gasping into Magnus’ mouth. The sound was swallowed up almost immediately as Magnus increased the pressure, making him twist restlessly underneath the other man, unsure if he wanted to pull away or press further into the sensation.

Magnus solved the problem for him by urging him to sit up, shucking Alec’s shirt off, and tossing it onto the floor, doing the same with his shirt before bending down to take Alec’s other nipple into his mouth.

He twisted his fingers into Magnus’ hair, trying to hold him in place, to prolong that feeling of hot, wet heat on his chest. Magnus didn’t seem to mind, more than happy to oblige him with tongue and teeth until Alec was making soft sounds he wasn’t entirely capable of controlling.

Only then did Magnus sit back, tracing a hand along the waistband of his jeans. “May I?”

Alec felt a bolt of uncertainty shoot through him. Sure, they’d you know, with clothes on, but it was something completely different sans clothing. It wasn’t that he was insecure – okay, lie, he was totally insecure about how he looked and he didn’t want to disappoint Magnus. He actually really, really liked him, and what if he didn’t like what he saw? Or what if they did this and Magnus only wanted one thing from him?

As if sensing Alec’s nervousness, Magnus backed off, those fingertips now working soothing patterns into the base of his skull. “Talk to me. What’s going in that head of yours? We can stop here and – “

“No, I want to, I’m just – I’m just nervous,” Alec replied quickly. He thought about the last few weeks of his life with this man and realized he was letting his own fears talk him out of something that he had wanted for a long time. Something he hadn’t ever let himself consider because the thought of being that vulnerable with someone else was terrifying.

But, he knew he could trust Magnus. The man had had his life completely upended by association with him and hadn’t even batted an eye. In fact, he’d been more concerned about Alec’s well-being than having his world flipped upside down.

That should tell him all he needed to know. And the look in Magnus’ eyes as he gazed down at him confirmed that the things in his head were only imaginary.

“I want to,” Alec said quietly. And he realized he did. He wanted to. Maybe not like, all the way all the way but he wanted to know what it was like to be with another person. To be with Magnus.

Magnus’ eyes searched his face for a moment before, finally, he nodded. “Okay, but if you want to stop at any point I will. Promise me you’ll tell me?”

“I’ll tell you.”

Magnus nodded again before his fingers tapped at the button on Alec’s jeans. The unspoken question hung between them until Alec spoke, with a confidence he didn’t entirely feel. “You can take them off.”

He stared at the ceiling, felt the brush of the back of Magnus’ hand as he slid his zipper down, and then the muffled thump as denim hit the carpet.

He forced himself to take several breaths, reminded himself that this was Magnus and he did really want this but it was nerve-wracking.

He felt Magnus’ body-weight lever off him, another thump, and then warm hands were wrapping around his hips, dragging him down until his lower half was on the edge of the bed. Only then did he prop himself up on his elbows to see Magnus kneeling between the spread of his legs.

His cock fucking jumped. The image was so erotic. Those golden eyes looking up at him, framed by kohl and darkened lashes, emphasizing the way his pupils were completely blown out. He held Alec’s gaze as lowered his mouth to lap at the bulge in his boxers.

Alec’s legs shook, surprised at how good that could feel with a layer of fabric still between them. His head tilted back on instinct as Magnus continued to trace the outline of his cock with his tongue.

He moaned, the sound loud in the otherwise quiet of the room. The look in Magnus’ eyes was one of complete and total satisfaction as he set about completely wrecking his self-control. Only when the fabric was soaked through did he sit back, tugging on the waistband of Alec’s underwear.

Alec hardly recognized the sound of his own voice as he begged, “Take them off. Please. You’re killing me. Just – “

“Shh,” Magnus murmured, dropping a kiss on the inside of his thigh. “I’ll get you there.”

Alec knew he would but he didn’t know if he would survive until that point.

Once more, he looked determinedly at the ceiling as the last barrier between them was removed. He swallowed, inexplicably nervous again, wondering what Magnus was thinking as his cock was freed, slapping against his stomach with an embarrassing sound.

He was trying not to let his mind run wild, trying to reassure himself that Magnus obviously wanted this and he was working himself up over nothing.

“Fuck, baby,” Magnus practically growled. Baby, he’d never called him that before but it somehow put his mind at ease. Well, that and the tone in Magnus’ voice cause damn.

He chanced a glance down and saw that Magnus was surveying him with a look that could only be described as hunger.

“Have no idea, do you?” Magnus murmured, almost to himself. “So fucking sexy. Love that you trust me with this. Please let me touch. Fuck, can I touch you, Alec?”

Holy hell, Magnus was practically begging. “Y-yeah, please.”

That seemed to be all that he needed because he was standing, moving behind Alec. He could hear the sound of a drawer opening and closing and then Magnus was back. There was the sound of foil crinkling and then he was rolling the condom down Alec’s dick. The teasing way he did it had Alec forcing himself into perfect stillness, to the point where his muscles were trembling with the desire to move.

Magnus smirked up at him. He knew exactly what he was doing. He wrapped a hand around the base of Alec’s dick and then his mouth was there, drawing the tip of it in.

Alec nearly came off the bed, a hoarse shout tearing out of his throat. If he thought it had felt good before, it was nothing compared to this.

Magnus’ other hand steadied him, anchoring him as he took more of him in. Bobbing his head up and down as he did things that had Alec writhing under his touch.

Alec never wanted it to end but there was no way he was going to be able to hold on. He knew he should feel embarrassed about how close he was to the edge already, but that was secondary to the fire roaring through him as he forced himself to watch Magnus take him down his throat again and again. His dick disappearing into that perfect mouth.

He fisted his hands in the comforter so he wouldn’t be tempted to knot them in Magnus’ hair. But his boyfriend seemed to have other ideas, blindly searching out for his hand and then placing it on the back of his head.

Permission given, Alec allowed himself to do what he’d been fantasizing about since this whole thing had started. Twisting the strands between his fingers and calling out Magnus’ name as he drove him closer to the end.

He couldn’t support himself anymore, his head lolling back as his eyes closed involuntarily. But he didn’t need to see Magnus to have the visual forever branded into his mind.

He actually screamed when he felt the tip of his dick hit the back of Magnus’ throat for the first time. His whole body arching up to chase the sensation as it catapulted him over the edge. When he could finally think again, he realized that his hand had twisted up to where it had to be painful but Magnus didn’t seem to mind.

In fact, he worked Alec until he was too sensitive for him to continue. Reluctantly, Magnus drew back and pushed himself to his feet to dispose of the condom.

Then, he knelt up on the bed, moving to take Alec’s lips in a hard and brutal kiss. It was all teeth and tongue as they rocked together before Magnus gentled the kiss until it was something tender that had Alec gasping for breath when they finally drew apart.

Awareness came back to him in pieces. First, he realized that Magnus was also naked, which, he totally wished his brain had been functioning enough a few seconds ago to realize that fact. Second, he was achingly hard against Alec’s hip.

Shit, he was pretty bad at this, wasn’t he? He hadn’t even asked Magnus –

“I can hear you thinking from here,” Magnus purred as he wrapped that clever tongue around his earlobe. “For the record, seeing you get off like that is more than enough for me.”

“You don’t want – “

“Not if you don’t want to.”

But Alec did. He wanted to see Magnus lose control, wanted to hear what he sounded like when he came. It was something he’d been thinking about since their first night together. What he would have to do to hear that sound again.

He wriggled a hand in between their bodies, pausing to explore the contours of Magnus’ chest, the ridges of his abs. Magnus was patient, trading kisses with him as he drank in his fill of his body.

“Tell me what to do,” Alec gasped as he finally wrapped tentative fingers around Magnus’ girth.

“Tighten nn – yeah, just like that baby.” Magnus praised. “Go faster.”

Alec obeyed, speeding up the movement of his hand and listening to the way Magnus’ breathing sped up, how his fingers tightened when Alec did something he liked.

“C-can we um – uh, I want to – turn over?” He didn’t mean for it to end like a question, but it was what he wanted.

Wordlessly, Magnus turned them over so that Alec was sat in his lap.

He’d lost his grip by the change in position but he couldn’t be sad about it with the view that he was getting from up here. Magnus’ lips were swollen from kissing and ahem, other things. Sweat beaded at the hollow of his throat, sliding down in droplets that Alec itched to trace with his tongue. So, he did just that.

He must’ve surprised Magnus because he groaned his name like he was in pain. “Alec.”

A glance up let him know that the only thing Magnus was feeling was pure pleasure. Emboldened, he let his tongue trace downward. Lapping up the sweat that had pooled in the valleys of his muscles. The salty taste was like an aphrodisiac to him and the way Magnus was now moaning softly was addictive.

He wanted to find out all the ways he could make his boyfriend – fuck his boyfriend – keep making those sounds that he was sure were completely involuntary at this point.

Magnus let him explore until he was satisfied, only then hauling him up into a frantic kiss. He broke away, panting, “Need you to touch me, Alec. Please, ‘m so close.”

Like that was even a hardship. He wrapped his hand around his dick once again, tightening his grip the way he remembered Magnus liked it. Magnus’ hips surged up, effectively fucking his fist.

Alec drew back to watch the way his cock moved through the circle of his fingers. The only thing that would make this hotter was – “Lube?”

“In the drawer.” Magnus bit out. Alec reached over him, fumbling a bit until he found the tube, upending probably way too much into his hand. The slide was easier now and the wet, squelching sounds were making Alec wish his dick wasn’t out of commission. Because damn, did he want to find out how it would feel to have their cocks sliding together.

He looked up and saw that Magnus’ lips were moving, but he couldn’t hear what he was saying, the sounds more like whispered pleas as he dug his head into the duvet. His hips were losing their rhythm, thrusts sloppy and uncoordinated.

Alec sat back on his heels, tightening his grip to the point where it was almost painful, but it seemed to be exactly what Magnus needed as his legs spread even further, come spurting out, painting his chest white and staining Alec’s fingers.

It was probably the single hottest thing he’d ever seen. Well, after seeing Magnus give him the best blowjob of the century.

He thought about what he usually liked and slackened his grip, working Magnus’ cock as he slowly came down. He yelped when Magnus abruptly hauled him up again, kissing him like his life depended on it before drawing back.

“Goddamn,” Magnus said. “That was hot.”

Alec flushed, nerves coming back in full force. “It – it was okay?”

“So much more than okay.” Magnus’ reassured him.

Alec felt something coiled tightly inside of him release. Obviously, Magnus had enjoyed it, but well, it was another thing entirely to hear it spoken out loud. It gave him a kind of confidence and yes, reassurance he so desperately needed.

“How do you feel?”

Alec was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of Magnus’ voice. He trailed gentle fingers up and down Alec’s back. He gave some real thought to the question and realized he felt good, great even.

“I feel really good.”

Magnus hummed. “You don’t feel – “

“I don’t regret anything,” Alec informed him. “In fact, I’m wondering how soon we can do that again.”

Magnus laughed. “I’ve created a monster. Now you’ll only want me for sex.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Alec teased.

Magnus laughed again. “And here I thought you loved me for my witty personality.”

“Hmm, well I guess there’s that too.”

“On a more serious note,” Alec added, “There’s um, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

“Okay.”

“Wait, that’s it you’re not even going to ask me who it is?”

“If they’re important to you, they’re important to me.”

Alec dropped a kiss onto Magnus’ shoulder. “You just say things like that. Like it’s the easiest thing in the world.”

“It’s easy because I’m with you.”

Alec’s nose wrinkled. “Okay, don’t you thinking you’re laying it on a little thick?”

Magnus opened his mouth to reply and Alec shook his head.

“Whatever you’re thinking it’s probably gross”

Magnus gave him a faux-innocent look. “I would never say something so untoward.”

Alec couldn’t help from grinning, “Sure. Whatever you say.”

“Seriously, though. I have to go meet Neela in about thirty minutes and I was hoping that uh, you would come with me?”

“I already told you, darling. If Neela is important to you, which I know that she is, then she’s also important to me. But um, we might want to get cleaned up first.”

Alec glanced down at the mess between them and nodded. “Uh yeah, that might be a good idea.”

After a quick shower and bundled up against the cold, they walked the short distance to the café. There were a few people out, mostly headed back from work or the few students who’d stayed on for break hurrying home from the library.

The streetlights illuminated their way and Alec was grateful for the strange feeling of safety that being here left him with, despite everything else that had happened. He knew the Circle could be lurking anywhere, but it was hard to believe that the sleepy quiet of this place could harbor deadly assassins. He knew practically everyone in every shop in one way or another. Knew his neighbors for the most part because they attended his classes.

He didn’t want to think about any one of those people secretly working for a murderous cult that was intent on hunting him down. For reasons he still wasn’t quite sure he could wrap his head around other than that they didn’t appreciate the ones who got away, so to speak, staying well, away.

He tightened his grip on Magnus’ hand as he knocked on the glass door to the café. He could see light pouring from Neela’s office. The overnight lamps lining the display case and underneath the counters partially illuminated the dimness of the dining area.

There was only a moment’s pause before he could see Neela’s outline pacing towards the door and then unlocking it and ushering them inside.

Almost immediately, Alec found himself pulled into her arms. He went more than willingly, inhaling the scent of sugar, cinnamon, and the oil that Neela put in her hair.

She held him out at arm’s length. “Now let me look at you. You look good sug’. You had me so worried these last couple of days.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec told her truthfully. “I uh, didn’t have much choice in the matter.”

She raised a skeptical eyebrow, then seemed to notice Magnus hovering just behind him. He, too, was treated to one of Neela’s bear hugs.

Alec couldn’t help smiling at the bewildered expression on his face.

Neela was not off-put by his apparent confusion. “Now, you must be Magnus. I have to say, Alec has told me so much about you. It’s great to finally meet you.”

Magnus seemed to get over the worst of his surprise as he treated her to his signature grin. “Enchanted to meet you as well, madame.”

“Ooh, this one’s a charmer.” Neela grinned at Alec. “Why don’t you two go on upstairs? I have a couple more things to do here and then I’ll be up. Oh and put the kettle on too, why don’t you? I feel like this talk’s gonna call for tea.”

Alec nodded. “Sure.”

Inside these walls, the nightmare that his life had become seemed to dissipate. Here, his father’s murder, crazy cultists, the unresolved situation with his mom, and everything else, seemed to feel just a little bit lighter.

It was strange, also, being in Neela’s apartment again, but this time with Magnus. They shucked off their shoes at the front entrance and padded into the rest of the space.

Magnus surveyed the arrangement of photos of Neela’s travels. “Wow, you didn’t tell me that she was so well-traveled.”

“Oh, yeah,” Alec replied absently as he set the kettle on the stove to boil. “She actually used to be in the military too, I think. Special forces, maybe? I don’t know. She doesn’t talk about it much but um, she always said she wanted to travel the world and I guess she did – does. Goes somewhere different every year and uh, last year she left me and Maia in charge of the shop.”

“That was sweet of you to take that on.”

Alec shrugged, uncomfortable with the compliment. “I mean, I guess? Neela’s just done so much for me. It seemed like a small thing in comparison.”

Magnus gave him a gentle smile. “My statement still stands.”

“I guess,” Alec whispered, desperate to change the subject. He gestured to the sofa. “Do you want to sit?”

Magnus’ answer was interrupted by the shrill whistle of the kettle, but when Alec got to the kitchen he glanced over his shoulder and noticed that Magnus had taken the invitation.

Neela’s apartment was as familiar to him as his own and he worked deftly, taking down three mugs and the Chai tea box he knew Neela kept behind the coffee maker. Ostensibly, to hide it from him, because he had a habit of drinking most of it. Still, he knew how much she knew he liked it because she’d never actually moved it from its “hiding place” once he’d discovered where it was.

“Milk, sugar, or both?” He called out to Magnus.

“Just milk is fine.”

Alec brought all three mugs into the living room and had just set them down on the coffee table when the front door opened.

“Seems like I have perfect timing,” Neela commented, her shoes joining theirs by the front door before she took her own place on the sofa.

Alec handed her one mug, the other to Magnus, and the third he kept for himself. He felt unsure about where to sit and then realized he was being ridiculous. Neela knew that he and Magnus were dating and wouldn’t judge him for wanting to sit next to his boyfriend.

He shoved down the subtle whispers of his anxious thoughts and spited himself by sitting close to Magnus. He settled his mug against one side of his leg and took Magnus’ hand with the other.

Neela glanced at their joined hands and smiled. She took a long drink before speaking. “Well, Alec, I can say it’s about time. I am so very, very happy for you. I kept hoping this day would come you know. Now, why don’t you tell me about how you two met again.”

Alec opened his mouth to respond but Neela shook her head. “I already know your side of the story, sug’. I want to hear it from Magnus.”

Magnus seemed startled but nodded. “Well, I was supposed to collecting some samples for my research. I’m uh, a marine biologist, finishing up my PhD. Anyway, I noticed there was this one section of the beach that hardly had anyone on it. It was perfect because it let me have a quiet place to study the tidal patterns and collect samples and that kind of thing.

I was surprised, of course, when instead of being alone there was a person just floating in the water. I tried calling out to them but well, no response. I thought they were hurt or something so my instincts kicked in.

Turns out Alec,”

He shot Alec a playful glance, squeezing his fingers. “Was not too happy with me for bothering him.”

“That’s because I didn’t need to be rescued.”

Magnus chuckled. “Well, you did look like you were drowning so you can’t blame me for thinking it.”

Alec shook his head, choosing not to respond and taking a sip from his drink.

“At any rate, that’s how I first met Alec. I knew, even then I suppose, that there was something about him that got my attention. I was a total stranger but he opened up to me about things that I guess I didn’t expect from someone I didn’t know.

His honesty, was surprising, refreshing? I don’t know, something about him just drew me in. And well, the more I get to know him, the more I want to.”

He flushed, “That is to say, I think Alec is probably one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. It wasn’t hard deciding to be with him.”

When Alec looked up, he noticed Neela’s eyes were shiny with moisture. She hid it well, though as she spoke. “I love that about him too. He’s so brave and don’t give me that look, Alec. You are all those things that Magnus said and more. I’m glad you all found each other. Now,”

She eyed him speculatively, “You want to tell me what kind of trouble you’ve gotten yourself into to not talk to me for the last three days.”

“It’s um, not so much the trouble I got myself into it’s more like um, trouble found me.”

Neela arched a brow, waiting for him to continue.

“Well, I told you all about how my dad tried to I guess uh, kidnap me, right?”

Neela nodded once.

“So, after that happened I thought, maybe it was crazy but I thought it was all over. Looking back, it’s kind of naïve but I just wanted the whole thing to be over with.

He went to jail, the authorities were going to take care of the Circle. Easy.

Except, I guess they had other plans. The other night Robert broke out of jail with some help from Circle members. The next morning the caretaker for the cemetery found him. Uh, he’d been – he’d been murdered.”

Neela gasped. “Oh, honey,”

“No, it’s okay. I mean it’s not okay but well,” Alec took a deep breath. “The reason the marshals and whoever turned everything upside down is because the Circle left a note. All it said was – We know who you are Alec Lightwood.

So, they told me to go back home and get out of town along with anyone else I’d been in contact with. Now I have sort of a protection duty? I don’t really know how this whole thing works. I was told they’re going to be keeping a pretty close watch on all of us just in case the Circle decides to do something.

But because of everything, they took my phone and well, I had to get a new one and that’s – that’s why I couldn’t talk to you for a while.”

Neela was silent for a moment. “Well, that’s a right mess, that is.”

Alec laughed nervously, “You can say that again.”

“I thought the Circle had been disbanded decades ago.”

“That’s what they wanted people to think,” Magnus put in. “It’s better not to have the general public worried about an underground cult organization. Mass panic would set in and well.”

Magnus toyed with the ring on his left middle finger. “But you’re right in a way. The Circle has largely been disbanded but there are still a few active members and small pockets that the authorities are trying to track down. The most important thing is that the ringleader of it all is in jail.

That being said, though, he is a very charismatic individual, and given that, there are still a number of fanatics who keep him in contact with his people on the outside.”

“I don’t like the thought of you being caught up in all this,” Neela frowned, setting her mug on the coffee table with a loud ‘clunk.’ “Not like any of this is your fault mind you, but your parents should have told you about this a long time ago.”

Alec shrugged. “Would that have really done any good? My dad was not stable. He wanted to believe in this stuff and I’m sure he would’ve found me one day anyway.”

“That may be,” Neela allowed, “But it still wasn’t right to drag you into this and what do they want with you anyway?”

“Well,” He looked at Magnus, struggling to put into words how messed up this was. Thankfully, Magnus took over for him.

“The Circle, as I’m sure you know, was bent on eradicating any sign of difference in their members, especially those who were not straight.”

Neela shuddered. “Right. Those horrible conversion therapy places.”

“Exactly,” Magnus said, “Now, my thinking is that once Robert and Maryse divorced, he went back to the thing that had given his life meaning, the Circle. Or, at least, what he thought gave his life meaning. He believed, misguidedly, that by turning Alec over to them, he was fulfilling some destiny given to him by God.”

“That’s horrible.”

Magnus grimaced. “I know. So, now that the Circle knows of his existence they won’t let him go until they have him. If anyone’s to blame in all of this, it’s Robert Lightwood.”

Neela shuddered again. “So now these crazy people are after Alec?”

“Unfortunately,” Alec said grimly.

“Then how are they going to keep you safe?”

Alec shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m trying my best not to think about it cause it really, really freaks me out.”

“Understandably,” Neela said, then added. “Do you really think you should be alone right now?”

That was the one thing he’d been trying to avoid thinking about. He’d been able to take care of himself for so long and he definitely didn’t want his fears about the Circle to prevent him from living in his own home.

On the other hand, the Circle had proven how dangerous they were and how hellbent they were on finding him. His ego said one thing, but logic and reason pointed out the inherent stupidity in going anywhere alone. Including his own apartment.

It made him furious in a way. Angry that they’d taken away a place that had been a sanctuary to him for so long.

“Not really, but – “

“He’ll be staying with me,” Magnus interrupted his voice calm.

Alec stared at him. “I couldn’t ask you – “

“You’re not asking, I’m offering,” Magnus replied gently, “I know that you can take of yourself, Alec. Just please, this once, let someone else take care of you instead?”

He knew his emotions were valid, the pride that reared its ugly head at the thought of accepting handouts. But this wasn’t a handout. This was just Magnus worrying about his safety.

He pushed down the part of himself that screamed at him that he could do it on his own and nodded. “Okay.”

Both Neela and Magnus seemed to let out twin sighs of relief.

“So, you don’t have classes for a couple more days, right?”

Alec nodded again.

“All right,” Neela sat forward. “What we’re gonna do is tonight, we’ll go to your apartment, get whatever you need, and bring it over to Magnus’. Then, when you’re ready to come in to work tomorrow, I want you to call me and I’ll come get you. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.”

She fixed him with a stern look that brooked no argument.

He swallowed. “Yes ma’am.”

“All right,” She nodded decisively. “What are we waiting for then?”

On went the hats, scarves, and coats as they trooped out into the cold to Neela’s car. It was a short drive to Alec’s apartment from there.

They ascended the landing, Alec in the lead because he had the keys, obviously. As they approached his door, a feeling of dread curled in his gut as he took in the front door that was standing just slightly ajar.

Magnus sidled next to him, squeezing his arm and speaking lowly. “Let’s go back to Neela’s car and call the marshals, okay?”

Alec turned eyes wide with fear to him and whispered. “Yeah, okay.”

Within minutes, two dark sedans pulled up and the marshals from earlier slipped out of the car. The three of them watched as they took the same path they themselves had taken only a little while earlier and disappeared into the apartment.

It seemed to take forever before they reappeared, descending the steps two at a time.

The one in front, a blond woman whom he’d already forgotten the name of, rapped on the car window. She flashed her badge, “Marshal Stiele, pleasure to meet you, ma’am.”

Neela inclined her head. “And this is my partner, Marshal Dietrich.”

“I hope you’ll understand the urgency we’re dealing with. Mr. Lightwood,” She directed her attention to Alec, “My partner and I will escort you upstairs to collect whatever it is you need. Please try to refrain from touching as many things as possible. I’m aware of how frightening this must be, but I need you to work with us, okay?”

Alec nodded, steeling himself as he got out of the car and followed the marshals up the stairs. Stiele went first, ensuring everything was clear before gesturing for him to come inside.

Dietrich stayed at the door, his gun hanging loosely from his fingertips. Alec imagined the laxness of his pose was a carefully studied act as he followed Stiele inside.

He wasn’t sure what he expected but whatever it was paled in comparison to actual reality. Furniture lay smashed and upended. His pots were also scattered in small piles of debris throughout the place. Most of his pictures on the walls were either askew or had been thrown to the floor where they lay in small islands of glass shards.

And the walls. God the walls. They were painted in sigils and symbols and words. Things he’d rather not read and made his stomach turn.

He willed the nausea down and focused on Marshal Stiele who was staring at him sympathetically. “I know it’s a lot, kid.”

“Let’s just get this over with.”

She nodded once. “I need you to tell me where you keep your suitcase.”

He pointed to what had been the divider between his bed and the rest of the apartment.

Carefully, she grabbed it and laid it on the bed.

Surprisingly, most of his clothes, although upended on the floor, were no worse for wear. He hurriedly packed what he needed into his suitcase and grabbed a few mementos. A picture of him, Neela, and Maia. The box of childhood things that had thankfully been left untouched and the one plant that had seemed to survive the ransacking.

The marshalls followed him downstairs as he carefully placed the things in his car.

It was Dietrich who spoke this time, “This isn’t what usually happens, but we’ll do what we can. If we can save anything, we’ll drop it off to you, okay? Do you have somewhere you can stay tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Good,” Dietrich squeezed his shoulder. “Now, I know it’s hard, but you’re not gonna be able to come back here, all right?”

“Okay.”

“About your car, we’re going to have to take it in. Don’t worry, it’s temporary. We’ll change up the paint job, give you a new license plate and leave it somewhere we’re only gonna tell you.”

“Stiele and I will stay here but expect us to check in with you tomorrow.”

Alec voiced his assent and then gratefully climbed into the warmth of Neela’s car. Magnus climbed over the middle console, somehow not hitting his head on the ceiling of the car, to slide into the middle seat next to Alec.

He went to him gratefully, burying his face in the wool of Magnus’ coat. “Wouldn’t it have been easier to get out of the car?”

Magnus’ fingers carded through his hair. “I would like to point out that while it may have been easier, it also would’ve been a lot colder.”

Alec smiled faintly, although there was no way Magnus could see it, but didn’t reply. He spent the rest of the car ride like that, taking in the scent of Magnus’ cologne that was like a comforting balm to the fear that was toying at the edges of his awareness, and listened to the murmur of Neela and Magnus’ voices as they talked softly.

He felt the car come to a stop, but he didn’t want to move from where he was. He clutched at Magnus’ coat as he turned to get out of the car.

“I’ll be right back, darling, okay?”

“Okay,” Alec whispered. He wasn’t used to being this vulnerable with anyone, but since it was only Neela and Magnus, he felt safe enough to realize that he didn’t actually have to be okay. He heard the sound of doors opening and closing and then he was being pulled back into Magnus’ embrace as he lifted him up into his arms.

He felt his cheeks burn and swatted half-heartedly at his boyfriend. “Put me down. I can walk.”

Magnus didn’t dignify that with a reply as they made their way up the stairs. He set him down in the bedroom and told him he’d be back in a few minutes.

Alec curled into the comforter, reflecting on how only an hour before he’d thought that he was safe here, but in a way, he knew that was a lie. The thought came again that as long as the Circle was out there, there was really no place he could go that would be safe.

He listened to the sounds of conversation drifting from the front of the apartment, then the sound of the front door closing and Magnus engaging the lock with a click.

The creak of hinges roused him and he sat up, startled, only to see Chairman in the doorway, blinking slowly at him. To his astonishment, the cat trotted across the room and jumped up onto the bed beside him before crawling into his lap and curling himself into a ball.

He gave Alec a look that seemed to say, well, are you going to pet me or not?

Tentatively, he reached out a hand to stroke the top of Chairman’s head and then scratched behind his ears. The cat preened and began to purr.

“I knew he did actually like you.”

Alec looked up to see Magnus lounging against the doorframe, watching him with a soft expression.

“He had a funny way of showing it.”

“Well, he had to test you first,” Magnus said, lips curling into a smile. “Also, you should know that now that he knows you’ll pet him he’ll never leave you alone.”

“I’m okay with that,” Alec said, continuing to pet Chairman who seemed to have fallen into a half-doze. The cat didn’t stir as Magnus sank onto the bed behind him, pulling him flush with his chest and somehow not waking up Chairman either.

“Are you okay?”

Alec shook his head. “Not really.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Magnus asked gently, fingers now stroking gently down his throat to splay over his chest, his other hand sinking into Chairman’s fur where he was still curled up in Alec’s lap.

“’m just, ‘m so scared, Magnus.” He whispered. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I know,” Magnus kissed his temple.

“I – I guess I don’t know. I hoped that after Robert you know, was arrested and everything.” Alec still found it hard to say the ‘m’ word. “I – I thought maybe they’d leave me alone, be done with it. Now I feel like they’ll never leave me alone. That I’m going to spend the rest of my life being afraid.”

Magnus didn’t speak for a moment and Alec was grateful that he didn’t give him pretty platitudes. “I have to admit, I’m afraid too. I don’t know what I would do if something were to happen to you, Alec. I want to protect you, keep you safe from everything especially and including, the Circle. But I know the best thing I can do is what I’m doing right now and it terrifies me that everything else is out of my hands.”

Somehow, hearing about Magnus’ fear, made him feel a bit better. As if it gave him permission to feel the same way because it didn’t seem so irrational if it was something he wasn’t experiencing alone.

It also made his heart clench to hear the concern and worry in Magnus’ voice. How deeply he actually cared about Alec, which he was still getting used to. It was disconcerting to have someone be so afraid for him. Not unpleasant, just different.

He leaned his head back against Magnus’ shoulder. “I have to wonder, how did they even find me?”

Magnus’ fingers stilled and he blew out an unsteady breath. Chairman flicked an ear in annoyance at that but didn’t move. “I don’t know.”

“And why won’t they just leave me alone? I have nothing to do with this, with any of this.” Alec couldn’t help the way his voice rose until he was nearly shouting. Chairman jerked awake, startled, and then gave them a contemptuous look as he got up, padding out of the room with his tail in the air. It would’ve been amusing in any other situation.

But Alec could hardly think about that, as tears burned at the corners of his eyes. “It wasn’t enough for Robert to hate me. It wasn’t enough for him to take away everyone who ever loved me. He’s – he’s dead and I’m still here and – and – “

“Shh,” Magnus murmured, turning him so that his face was buried in his chest. “I know darling, I know it’s not fair. None of this is fair.”

Alec couldn’t find the words to reply, as he began to sob. He wasn’t a crier, not by any means, and fittingly enough, Robert’s voice filtered through his thoughts as he tried desperately to stifle his tears.

Do you want everyone to laugh at you, Alec? Don’t you know what crying is? It’s weakness, Alec, that’s all it is. You’ll never get anywhere if all you do is cry about it.

Right, weakness and Alec wasn’t weak. He needed to get a grip and pull himself together.

He tried to move back, muttering. “Sorry, ‘m sorry, just – “

But Magnus wouldn’t let him go, his arms tightening. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I can’t imagine what’s going through your head but baby, it’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to be strong right now.”

Magnus’ hand wound through his hair, thumb rubbing into the base of his skull as his other hand smoothed circles into the small of his back.

“My grandmother used to say something to me when I was very young. She told me that even the angels cry, how else would we have the rain? Whenever I was upset, she would always tell me that and how brave I was for being so unafraid to feel what I was feeling. Because it’s not weak to cry, Alexander. When you’re vulnerable and open, that’s the strongest thing you could ever be.”

And just like that, the dam burst. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried like this. Ugly, wracking sobs that seemed to shake his whole body.

It was a combination of stress, fear, worry for his family and friends. The unfairness of the whole situation.

But Magnus, true to his words, never flinched. He held him through it all. It reminded Alec of the first night they were together, how he’d thought that Magnus was simultaneously the hurricane and the eye of the storm, anchoring him and protecting him from the wind and waves.

It was a perfect comparison and Alec realized he was no Icarus flying recklessly towards the sun or Cain branded and abandoned.

No, he’d given up his wings and he’d gone through the fire and been cured of his curse. It wasn’t foolishness to languish in the light of the day or to turn to the arms of his lover for comfort.

The only foolish thing would be if he pulled away from Magnus right now and threw up his walls the way that he’d always done.

But there was no going back to that before. He never wanted to go to that place again. Never wanted to remember what it was like to be so cold and alone. Because he wasn’t alone and he never had been. It had only taken someone like Magnus to show him what had been in front of him all along.

So, he let himself go. Let himself be lost in the wind and the waves knowing that Magnus would bring him safely back to shore.

Chapter Text

When he settled back inside himself, Alec found that they’d somehow wound up laying down on the bed, his face still pillowed on Magnus’ chest.

His boyfriend was toying with the ends of his hair and somehow had wormed a hand underneath his sweater to splay, warm, across his back.

“I didn’t mean to have a complete breakdown on you,” Alec said, his voice hoarse.

“I told you, crying isn’t a weakness and you don’t have to apologize for being human.”

“Logically, I know that but I guess it’s harder for it to seem actually true?”

“I can’t imagine you’ve had the easiest time of that.”

“No, not really,” Alec responded softly, his own hands now finding their way under Magnus’ shirt. The simple contact of his fingerprints on Magnus’ skin made him feel safe in a way he couldn’t quite explain. “My dad, he was never well, he was never the world’s greatest parent even before I knew all of this. He used to tell me that – that crying never accomplished anything. That I needed to get over it because– because it didn’t do any good. And I guess, even if I’d wanted to, there wasn’t a lot of time to be breaking down when taking care of my siblings. I never wanted to freak Izzy or Jace out.”

“That sounds incredibly lonely.”

“It was,” Alec said as if he’d realized that for the first time. “Incredibly, incredibly lonely. But I told myself that if my siblings were happy then everything was good. And I guess, as long as I had them it all made sense?

And well, I figured you know, I wasn’t supposed to talk about that stuff. Be all stoic and whatever.”

He huffed out a breath. “Too bad it took me way too long to realize that was a load of bullshit. It was Maia, really. I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for her.”

“We all need someone like Maia.”

“Did you?” Alec asked.

“Yeah, well, actually I had two people like Maia. My grandparents were well, the best parents I could ever ask for and even now, I mean they’re kind of overbearing but I know it’s because they love me. But in a lot of ways, I was lonely too. I didn’t get along with the other kids in my class.

They made fun of me because of the way I dressed. The food I ate. You know, I didn’t actually learn to speak English until middle school. It was just another thing for them to tease me about.”

“That sounds awful.”

“I won’t lie, it wasn’t fun. Back home, I mean sure there were problems, but I never got asked the kind of stupid things I get asked here in the States. People want to know where I’m really from. They tell me I speak such good English and in school, well, I don’t even want to talk about the things the kids told me.

At any rate, I guess I kind of learned to distance myself and I know it might sound silly but honestly, my only friends were my grandparents. They spoke the same language as me and they didn’t think it was dumb when I messed up some stupid pronunciation rule.

In fact, they were really proud of me when I finally moved out of the ESL classes. I think that’s why I pushed myself so hard in school. The thing I wanted most was to get away from it all.”

Alec slid one hand out from under Magnus’ shirt so he could prop himself up. With his free hand, he gently traced the outline of Magnus’ face. “Why are people so awful? I can’t even imagine what that must’ve been like.”

And no, Alec couldn’t understand the reality that Magnus had lived but his heart ached for him and he wanted to burn the whole damn system down that said anyone who didn’t fit into the straight, cis, white, Christian box deserved to be otherized. Made to feel as if how they were born was in some kind of way inferior. It made his blood boil but he knew what he felt paled in comparison to everything that Magnus had lived through.

“I think a lot of the time people, especially children, are conditioned to believe certain things. They’re afraid of difference and so they think they have to destroy it. It honestly makes me sad for them.”

Magnus was quiet for a minute, then he let his hand come up and cover Alec’s where it rested on his cheek. “But to answer your original question. Once I got out of high school and went to college, I was afraid it would be the same thing. I’m so very, very glad I was wrong. I remember, it was freshman orientation, I was sitting there, completely bored out of my mind when in walks this kid with this ridiculous, and I do mean ridiculous, electric blue hair.”

Alec laughed. “That must’ve been Ragnor?”

“Yup,” Magnus chuckled. “I started dressing this way in high school. I figured if I didn’t fit in anyway, what was the point in even trying? But yet, here comes this kid and he just sits down next to me without a care in the world. Just walked right up to me and introduced himself. It turned out me and Ragnor had a lot in common.”

“But you said there were two people.”

“Yeah, but Cat, she came along later. I’d never had a real friend before Ragnor and sure, I went to my share of parties and had acquaintances but he was the only person I actually considered my friend. Well, spring sophomore year, we went to this crazy rager and I do mean crazy.”

“Somehow, you strike me as the kind of person who enjoys wild parties.”

“Of course, isn’t life just one giant party?” Magnus grinned at him. That grin was infectious and Alec couldn’t help but return it.

“Just get to the part where you meet the girl.” He joked.

“Right, well. I’m sitting there with Ragnor and we’re both drunk and in walks this girl.”

Alec expected a bolt of insecurity but was surprised when all he felt was amusement. Magnus had never lied about who he was. He knew he was a flirt. Knew he’d definitely been with more people than Alec. And knowing, more or less, how the story ended helped too.

Magnus paused, though, and searched his face. “It doesn’t bother you if I talk about this does it?”

“No. It’s okay, really.”

“You’re sure?”

“Magnus.”

“Okay, okay.” The grin was back. “Where was I? Oh yeah, so in walks this girl and she’s hot, you know? Like so far out of my league.”

Alec couldn’t imagine who the hell could be out of Magnus’ league but listened patiently as he continued talking.

“Me being me, I, of course, walked right up to her, and uh, she shot me down, hard.”

Alec couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him.

“I know, I know. I mean looking back it was funny, but in the moment I just felt really embarrassed. But I was trying to be cool about it, you know like not make a big deal even though my pride was hurting. I mean I guess I wasn’t doing too good a job of it because she did this thing.

We still laugh about it because seriously, she gives me a once over. Like a full once over and then looks at me and says. Oh, honey, it’s not you, if I wasn’t gay you’d totally do it for me. And I wasn’t even mad because I just thought it was hilarious. I still got her a drink and that’s how I met Cat.”

Alec snorted. “That’s pretty funny.”

“Yeah, they still are my best friends, to this day. That’s why I feel so guilty about you know, the whole situation with Ragnor. I know he’d understand but – “

“I know,” Alec replied softly. “I’m – “

“That – “ Magnus interrupted him. “Was not an invitation for an apology. You are in no way to blame for any of this, okay?”

When Alec didn’t respond, Magnus arched a brow and repeated. “Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” The words tasted sour on his tongue. He knew it was, logically, nothing he had any control over, but it still didn’t stop a twinge of guilt from running through him thinking about the last few days.

“Good,” Magnus said. “Now, it’s been a long day and you need rest.”

Until that moment, Alec hadn’t realized how tired he actually was but now that the thought had been voiced, he felt suddenly weighed down by the whirlwind of the last few days. Not to mention what he’d just walked into at his apartment.

“Yeah.” He said through a huge yawn. “Um, where’s my suitcase?”

“Oh, right.” Magnus grinned sheepishly. “I knew I forgot something. Give me just – “

“Wait, I didn’t mean.” But he was already gone.

A moment later, he came back and set the suitcase by the foot of the bed.

“Do you need anything else before I go take a shower?”

Alec got to his feet and looped his arms around Magnus’ neck, leaning up to kiss him softly. “No, you’ve already done more than enough.”

Magnus’ hands settled around his waist. “If you’re trying to tempt me to stay in here with you it’s absolutely working. Or you could – “

Alec stepped back, laughing, and pushed him gently. “Go take your shower.”

“It’s much more fun when it’s not just me.” Magnus faux-pouted.

“I’m sure it is. But you have to be in the lab tomorrow and I have work.”

He smirked at Magnus’ put-upon sigh, knowing it was all an act. There was nothing more he would’ve liked better than to spend tomorrow wrapped up in his boyfriend, but life for some reason didn’t really care about those sorts of things.

Not to mention – no. He wasn’t going there right now. Anything to do with the Circle could wait until tomorrow. For tonight, he was going to do exactly as Magnus had suggested and go to sleep. Still, it didn’t stop him from casting a furtive glance to the shuttered window, nor his thoughts from turning over just how the Circle had managed to track him here so fast.

They’d left not even three days earlier. It didn’t make any sense. Unless. He shivered, suddenly cold despite the warmth of the apartment. Unless someone had been watching him. Now there was an unsettling thought he could’ve done without.

He turned back to his suitcase, rummaging through it quickly in hopes of taking his mind off that particular line of thinking. That is if he wanted to sleep.

He tossed his jeans back into the suitcase and carefully folded up the sweater he’d been wearing. Then, he finally found what he’d been looking for. It was a black, oversized long sleeve shirt he’d found in a thrift store two years ago. Threadbare and worn soft from age it was his favorite piece of comfort clothing. The hem of the shirt brushed the tops of his thighs, the sleeves hanging down to cover his hands.

Rezipping the suitcase, he set his sweater on top of it and sat down on the bed to wait for Magnus to get out of the bathroom. And how strange was this whole situation, really? He’d left scarcely a week and a half ago with one friend and a suitcase and came back with the rest of his family and a boyfriend. A boyfriend who he was kinda-sorta sharing a living situation with despite the fact that they’d only known each other for a handful of days.

Rational Alec was screaming, but he was starting to like this more relaxed version of himself. The person who took life maybe a little less seriously and trusted their instincts more than their logic. Because, despite the fact that it actually didn’t make any rational sense, he knew that being here with Magnus was probably one of the best decisions he’d ever made.

He had fallen head over heels for a man he’d just met and he didn’t give a damn, thank you very much. It could all blow up in his face, sure, but he was also starting to get really tired of that pessimistic voice in the back of his head. It definitely could go all kinds of wrong, but what if it went right? What if this is how it could always be?

The thought didn’t make him panic, no, it actually gave him a strange sort of hope for what the future might bring. You know, when all of the craziness was over and done with.

“What are you smiling about?”

Alec looked up to see Magnus standing in the doorway, toweling his hair dry. He was almost disappointed that Magnus was wearing actual clothes. If you could count the tiny satin robe and equally tiny boy-shorts underneath it as clothes.

“Is it corny if I tell you I was smiling cause I was thinking about you?”

He was surprised to see red, not just from the shower, tinging Magnus’ cheeks. “That is incredibly corny but uh, it also makes me really happy.”

Alec felt that same warm feeling, a light, fluttering in his stomach, at Magnus’ words. “Good. And now I know how to make you blush.”

“I’m not blushing.” Magnus denied quickly, his cheeks reddening further.

Alec laughed. “You totally are.”

“It’s okay though,” He said, getting to his feet and moving towards the door. He stopped to whisper in Magnus’ ear. “I won’t tell anyone your secret.”

He could feel Magnus’ eyes on his back but refused to turn around. When he returned, he found Magnus sitting at the vanity with several jars and creams arrayed around him.

He set his toiletry bag on his suitcase next to his sweater and then sat cross-legged on the bed. “What on Earth are all of those things?”

Magnus’ eyes lifted to meet his in the mirror. “Well, first I have my cleanser.”

He held up one jar. “This one’s a clarifying serum. Uh, this one’s a toner. That one’s my moisturizer, for my face anyway. This one is the moisturizer that goes under my eyes. Do you want me to keep going?”

Alec shook his head. “How the hell do you keep all of that straight in your head?”

“Simple,” Magnus said, getting up now and scooping up the jars with him. He sat opposite Alec on the bed, one leg crossed under himself the other dangling off the side. “It helps that they all have labels.”

He held up a bottle Alec hadn’t noticed before and he saw that it did, in fact, have a tiny label on it. “I can show you if you want?”

Magnus’s voice was slightly unsure. Alec could tell that to other people it might seem shallow, but he didn’t see anything wrong with the fact that Magnus took pride in his appearance. He’d never taken the time, or had the money anyway, to invest in anything like a skincare routine, but he could tell that it meant a lot to Magnus.

He nodded. “I’ve um, never really you know, done any skincare or whatever. Unless you count washing my face because I definitely do that.”

Magnus chuckled. “Then you have already fulfilled the first step of a skincare routine. Now, close your eyes. This might be a little cold.”

Obediently, Alec shut his eyes, forcing himself into stillness at the cool touch of what he assumed was something like a brush on his face.

“Right now, I’m just using a cotton pad with the cleanser. It’s really not fair you know. I have to work hard to get my skin like this and yours is practically flawless.”

“I like to think that’s the bar soap hard at work.”

Magnus laughed again as he began to apply some type of cream on his skin next. “I’m going to pretend I never heard you speak that blasphemy to me.”

Alec forced himself not to laugh, not wanting to mess up whatever Magnus was doing. “Isn’t all soap just soap?”

“That’s it. I can’t be in this relationship anymore.” Magnus joked.

Alec couldn’t stop the laugh from escaping him this time and Magnus’ gentle chiding only made it that much harder to sit still. Thankfully, it was only a few more minutes before he was being told that he could open his eyes.

“I don’t really feel that different, you know.”

“It’s not one of those things that happen overnight,” Magnus said. He was now putting away whatever the hell he’d just said earlier, Alec still had only the faintest idea what he was talking about. “It takes a while for your skin to get used to it.”

“Right.”

Magnus straightened. “I’m going to shut off the lights. Do you want anything while I’m up?”

“No, thank you though.” The weird politeness of the words didn’t square with the intimacy they’d shared in the last few hours, but sue him, his mother had raised him to be that way.

Magnus didn’t comment, though, slipping through the open doorway and into the hall. Alec could hear the quiet ‘snick’ of light switches being flipped off and then a louder ‘click’ as the deadbolt to the front door slid home.

He wondered which side of the bed Magnus slept on and if it would be weird if he just picked one? Whatever. He was totally overthinking things again, it didn’t really matter, did it?

Getting up, he folded the comforter down and climbed in on the side closest to the window, which just so happened to be the right-hand side. With all of Magnus’ pillows, he wondered how it was even possible that the man didn’t sleep sitting straight up at night.

“I can put those in the chair if you want.”

He looked up to see Magnus standing in the doorway, Chairman nestled in the crook of one elbow, while Magnus pet the top of his head with his other hand.

“No, it’s okay,” Alec told him.

Magnus nodded, swinging the door partly closed with his foot. He padded over to the bed and Chairman jumped out of his arms to clamber over Alec’s legs and lay down on the strip of space between his thigh and the edge of the mattress.

Magnus shut off the light and then he was sliding in beside Alec.

He pulled him in close and Alec went willingly, a mimicry of earlier. Except, thankfully, no one was crying this time. He felt the bed shift as Chairman moved closer and then winced when he jumped up on his leg before settling determinedly over where both their legs were intertwined underneath the sheet.

Head pillowed on Magnus’ chest he couldn’t help but laugh. “I don’t think Chairman hates me anymore.”

“I told you. Now that he knows you’ll pet him he’ll never leave you alone.”

They were quiet for a moment. Alec reveled in the silence, the warmth of Chairman’s small body pressing down on him and the way that Magnus’ fingers smoothed over the skin at the nape of his neck.

It didn’t take him long to fall asleep like that, lulled by the gentle rise and fall of his boyfriend’s chest and Chairman’s almost inaudible purring.

Morning found him waiting obediently for Neela to text him that she was outside to take him to work. Magnus had already left well before then, something to do with having to log timetables for an experiment. They’d agreed to meet back at the apartment around 1. Mostly because, to be honest, the apartment was a wreck, and Alec felt like even if he wasn’t obligated to if he was staying there he might as well help Magnus make it less chaotic.

He really didn’t want to think about the fact that he would have to be going back to school in the next couple of days. Given all that had happened, it seemed strange to do something so normal.

He was glad when his phone pinged and he hurried outside and into Neela’s car.

“Morning,” She said, scanning him in a way he was more than familiar with. “How are you holding up?”

“I wish I could say great but honestly, I don’t know what to feel.”

“Well, you’ve been through a lot,” Neela said, putting her blinker on and turning out onto the street. It was still early so there was hardly anyone but them on the road. “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, sug’. You wanna talk about it?”

Alec fidgeted with his left earring. That damn habit he couldn’t quite break and turned to look out the passenger window. “Yes? No? I don’t know. Is there really anything to talk about?”

“You tell me.”

Alec could picture what her face looked like. Lips pursed and one brow raised in quiet skepticism. The exact look that seemed to call his bluff each and every time.

“It’s just,” he traced a line through the condensation on the window, “I’m really afraid, you know? Like I thought my parents, even if they were homophobic assholes – “

Neela snorted but didn’t say anything.

“Then, that wasn’t worse than what anyone else had to deal with, you know? Like sure, it sucked and I missed my siblings a lot but it was somehow manageable. Then, when Izzy just showed up here out of the blue it felt like maybe that was my chance to I don’t know, put all this stuff behind me and move on with my life.

It’s crazy how when you think you know something, the universe just has this way of turning it completely on its head.”

Neela’s hand covered his knee, squeezing gently. “I know.”

Alec blew out a loud sigh, “I mean, the homophobia I could deal with but the fact that there’s an actual cult out there who knows who I am because my parents were somehow wrapped up in it is so much harder to deal with. And how could I not have known? That’s one of the questions I keep coming back to.

I keep thinking about my life and you know, wondering if there was some type of sign that I missed. Something that would’ve hinted that the parents I knew had this big secret they were keeping from all of us.”

“Alec,” Neela’s voice was patient. He barely noticed that they were somehow at Neela’s already, but then again, she did only live a few blocks up from Magnus. He tuned back into what she was saying. “There was no possible way that you could’ve known about your parents. You were a child and they were the adults. They chose to keep this from you for whatever reason. But that, that is not on you.”

“I know. It’s illogical!” He let his head fall back into the seat. “I just can’t help wondering if maybe there was something I could’ve done. I don’t know. Some different choice I could’ve made and then none of this would’ve ended up happening.”

“Sug’,” She leaned forward now, elbow on the middle console, the intensity of her stare making him turn his head to meet her eyes. “I don’t have any idea why this is happening to you. I don’t have an easy answer I can tie up in a bow and give to you, although Lord knows I wish I could. I’m angry at your parents and I am deathly afraid for you. But Alec, you have got to stop blaming yourself for this.

You were only going down there to visit your brother because he’s sick and to reconcile with your mother. Nowhere in there did you set out to go and find your dad, right?”

“Right,” Alec mumbled reluctantly.

“But the bastard went and found you and drug you into this craziness. Robert was willing to kidnap you for these people and let them do who only knows what to you. That’s on him.

Now he’s dead and you’re left cleaning up his mess. Again. That’s not on you. I know it’s easy for me to say, but it’s much harder to believe in your head. However, you living your life and doing whatever, does not mean that you are broadcasting an invitation for crazy.”

What she was saying made sense. He knew it made sense. He knew this tendency he had of accepting the blame for other people was not rational, but that didn’t take away from the fact that he felt guilty about dragging Maia and Magnus into this.

But, he had to admit, eventually, the truth would’ve outed itself. There was no way something this big could’ve stayed hidden for the rest of his life. Maybe it could’ve, but he somehow felt that in some way, Robert would’ve eventually found him.

And if he had at some point later in his life, would he have the people he had now to support him and protect him? There wasn’t an answer to that or, really, to any of his speculations.

Things happened and no one really knew why. Maybe if he’d made different choices, it wouldn’t have turned out like this but again, there wasn’t any way of really knowing that unless he somehow bent the rules of physics and reversed time and told himself to choose differently. But even then, he could’ve still ended up on this same course.

What ifs did nothing to solve the problem. No, the problem was that his parents were part of a murderous cult that was out for his blood, literally. The only way this was going away was when, and if, the authorities caught these people.

Neela nodded once, as if sensing his train of thoughts, and sat back. “Now, I want you to go in there and you do your work and try to put this out of your mind, okay?”

So that’s what he did for the next couple of days.

He lived in a strange approximation of normalcy. He went and got his schedule for his upcoming classes. Talked with the librarian about arranging his shifts around those he worked at the café. He got lunch with Magnus, Maia, and Jordan.

He met up with Maryse and talked with his siblings. He’d met Luke, finally, and the dude kinda scared him. He seemed nice enough but also like he could kick your ass faster than you could blink. It was more than slightly intimidating.

He helped Magnus unpack the apartment and did the same for his mother. At night, although never by himself, he went to his martial arts meetings and occasionally the gym.

The whole while, he was never actually relaxed. Nothing was amiss and maybe that was the problem. Since that night at his apartment, the Circle had been laying low. He wanted to believe that maybe they’d made their point and had disappeared from his life completely but even he wasn’t that naïve.

It left him with a weird kind of paranoia, always looking over his shoulder and never being able to fully relax. As two days became three and then bled into a week, the lack of anything happening made him more nervous, rather than less. It was as if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop although he had no idea where it would be coming from.

He was sitting in Calculus II, trying not to die of boredom and failing, while taking notes furiously. There was a strange moment of silence from his professor at the front of the room, and he looked up, sure he’d probably missed something that was going to be on the exam.

Instead, he found his professor standing in the doorway, talking with another faculty member he recognized, probably from the library. They spoke in furtive whispers and then his professor turned to the class.

“Students, this is highly unusual, but there has been an incident on campus. The dean is requesting that all students should leave effective immediately. Your absence will not be counted against you.”

There was a stunned silence following this announcement, no one moving to get out of their chairs.

“If you would. This is an emergency. There will be other staff in the hallway directing you and ensuring that you return to your dorms or off-campus safely. Except, would Alec Lightwood stay back please?”

He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he stayed in his seat, watching as the other fifteen people in his class quietly got up, whispering among themselves as they shuffled papers, laptops, and books back into their bags. One by one they left until he was the only one remaining.

“Mr. Lightwood, if you would come with me, please.”

Did he really have a choice?

Copying his classmates, he soon had his laptop and textbook crammed back into his backpack and stood, following his professor out of the now-empty classroom and into the hallway. He expected it to be chaos, but it seemed like the school had everything well under control. Students moving in pseudo-neat lines towards the emergency exits at the back of the building.

They, however, weren’t going in that direction. No, they were headed back towards the center of campus, where the faculty offices were located in a low, stone building facing the math department.

The walk was quiet, the doors to the old structure thudding closed behind them loud in the silence.

He was led to an office that had clearly not been used in some time, but now contained several people he unfortunately recognized. There was Marshal Stiele and Marshal Dietrich. Standing beside them, hunched over an open laptop, was his mother’s boyfriend (?), he didn’t really want to think about it, Luke Graymark.

Three or four local police officers were posted around the room and they looked up as soon the pair of them arrived.

They conversed with his professor for a moment and then he, too, was gone, leaving Alec wondering once again what was happening and how he was caught up in any of it. If he had to hazard a guess, it more than likely had something to do with the Circle.

He stood awkwardly in the doorway, until Luke crossed the room, taking him by the elbow and escorting him inside.

Instinctively, he stiffened at the touch, and Luke quickly dropped his arm with an apologetic look.

“Sorry to drag you out of class like this.” He told Alec, “But well, this is something you need to see.”

“What is it?”

“Son,” that was Marshal Dietrich, “I don’t think there are any words for this.”

So that was how he found himself being led across campus a second time, accompanied now by a pair of police officers, the marshals, and Luke. It was sort of how he imagined he would feel if he was a celebrity and needed bodyguards, but there was nothing glamorous about any of this.

Judging by the direction they were heading in, he guessed they were going to the old Cathedral. It was more of a church than a cathedral, but the name sounded nicer so they’d left it. Supposedly, it had been built by Dutch Settlers sometime in the 1600s.

To Alec, it seemed like a lonely place. Set back from most of campus, off the busy walkways and quads, hidden behind large trees and lilac bushes. Sure, it was pretty, but it always gave him a weird sense of isolation.

It also didn’t fit in with the brick construction of the rest of campus, being wooden, and a much smaller building than the others. But it was on the historic register or something and it gave some people a sense of comfort to be able to go somewhere quiet and think about things.

He got it, but it still wasn’t his favorite spot and he didn’t like the fact they were headed to one of the most secluded places on campus.

They rounded a bend in the path and that feeling in his gut seemed to worsen when he caught sight of several more officers, techs, and other personnel, spilling out of the church’s open doorway. Crime scene tape was draped over several trees and bushes and hung haphazardly from the doorframe.

They were stopped by two other officers who instructed them to put on gloves and cover their shoes. Alec had to stoop to clear the doorframe, and when he looked up again, a chill ran through him.

It wasn’t so much what was there, as what wasn’t. It was the lack of obvious violence in what he was seeing that made his blood go cold.

Kneeling before the altar was a girl. If he hadn’t known better, he would’ve thought she was praying.

Long black hair spilled over one tan shoulder, contrasting with the stark white of the dress she was wearing. It was reminiscent of a bridal gown, or maybe what someone might’ve worn to Communion. He couldn’t see her face but he was sure he didn’t want to.

He swallowed, “Do you really need me here for this?”

Luke fixed him with those steely eyes of his. “Yes, Alec, we do.”

Thankfully, it was only Luke who accompanied him across the stone floor, their footsteps a whisper as they approached the altar.

“Is she – “ Alec asked, his gaze darting to the girl, unable to fully ask the question although he already knew the answer.

“Yes,” Luke responded grimly.

They circled around her prostrate figure to the altar itself.

“What is all this stuff?” He asked, gesturing to the symbols painted onto the white cloth that were, unfortunately, becoming somewhat familiar to him by now.

Luke grimaced. “I wish I could tell you. We’ve sent them off to a linguist and they were also baffled by most of them. The ones that were translatable, or so we’ve been told, have something to do with imbuing the writer with supernatural powers.”

“Powers? Like magic?” Alec asked, bewildered. “That’s not real.”

“To these people it is.” Luke’s voice was subdued. “I wouldn’t try to read too much into it because, trust me, from my experiences with the Circle it isn’t a good place to let your mind go.”

He shook himself, “At any rate, that’s not important, I guess. No, the reason I brought you here is because of what she was holding in her hand.”

He pointed to a note, resting on the corner of the altar. It was similar paper to the vellum he’d seen before.

With trepidation, he bent to read it and really wished he hadn’t.

He jumped when Luke spoke again.

“In the battle of good and evil, the Lord requires many sacrifices. The blood of the innocents must be spilled to convict the guilty.

The Lord has commanded my right hand. I am His humble servant. Est mihi vindictam dicit Dominus. Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.

He will mete out His justice fairly, His servants will be His sword. In this, I will fulfill my duty as one called to the true path. There are many that have been led astray and must be brought back to righteousness.

I am His humble servant. I am His sword. The Lord’s justice is swift and merciless. There is no better fate for the unbeliever than to meet his due by the sword of the servant of the Most High.

The unbeliever will be cleansed and brought to the path of righteousness.”

Alec shivered, backing away from the altar and nearly tripping over a flagstone. He sat, more like a carefully controlled fall, onto the floor, breath coming in shallow pants.

Then, Luke was there, saying something he couldn’t hear over the roaring in his ears. His chest felt tight and when he looked up, it seemed as though he could see the girl’s eyes, boring into him even through the thick white fabric draped over the altar. Sightless, unseeing.

The pain in his chest was worse now, and he fought against what felt like a leaden weight that had been placed there. No, no it wasn’t lead, it was blood. He could see it seeping through the fabric of his shirt, staining the cotton crimson.

He could see Luke’s lips moving, maybe he was yelling, he wasn’t sure and then there was someone else there, lifting him. He fought like hell. Clearly, this person was coming to take him. Luke was on their side, right? That’s why he’d brought him here.

Then, finally, everything went black.

Awareness crept back in slowly. He became cognizant of a faint beeping, the hum of machinery and when he opened his eyes, he found he was staring up at a metal ceiling.

No, it wasn’t a metal ceiling, it was a roof. He was in an ambulance.

“Easy now,” The voice belonged to an EMT, about his own age. Her hair was hidden underneath her uniform cap, something warm in the dark brown of her eyes setting him at ease. “Is it okay if I touch you?”

Something about the fact that she’d asked his permission had him nodding.

Gentle hands checked his pulse, and then she was helping him sit up. “You gave everyone quite a scare in there. Well, to be honest, I would’ve had the same reaction, too.”

He smiled, although she probably couldn’t see it through the oxygen mask pressed over the bottom half of his face.

“What business did they have dragging you in there anyway?” She shook her head, unwrapping the blood cuff from his arm, “Not like I have a say so, anyway. I’m just the paramedic. I’m gonna take the oxygen off you now, okay?”

He nodded again and carefully, she lifted the strap over the back of his head and hung it up on a hook. “Do you think you can talk?”

“Y – yeah,” His voice felt rusty, disused. He took the water cup she gave him gratefully.

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” Then, he remembered and he glanced down at himself, relieved that the blood had been nothing more than a figment of his panic-induced state.

“I’ll bet,” She laughed dryly, “Well, it seems like your vitals are stable, so you should be okay now. But, you need to go home and rest. I mean it.”

“Okay.”

On shaky legs, with the EMT’s help, he clambered out of the back of the van, confused to see Luke talking with – was that Maryse? – nearby.

They looked up at the sound of the ambulance doors closing and then Maryse was there, pulling him to her and petting his hair like he remembered her doing when he was little.

“Mom what are you doing here?”

“Luke called me,” She told him, “And I could kill him. Actually, I’m going to kill him.”

“It wasn’t his fault.”

“Actually, it was my fault.” Alec hadn’t even noticed Luke approaching. He squirmed out of Maryse’s hold, but she only let him go so far, keeping one finger in his belt loop. “I apologize, Alec. I suppose I should’ve used my better judgment and not brought you into that situation.”

“You’re damn right you shouldn’t have,” Maryse told him, glaring fiercely.

“Hey, I’m okay, see?”

“You had a panic attack!” Maryse whirled to face him, although it didn’t quite have the same effect given that she had to look up. “You were screaming, something about blood. I was so scared for you.”

“I’m okay,” He repeated. His words were belied by a sudden wave of dizziness that swept over him, nearly sending him back to the ground.

“You are most certainly not fine,” Maryse growled. “C’mon I’m taking you to Magnus’”

“I don’t – “

“We’re going.” Maryse’s tone was firm. Then, addressing Luke, “And you’re coming with us because you have some serious explaining to do.”

Luke was a smart man. He didn’t even attempt to argue as he followed behind the two of them to his car, parked just behind Maryse’s. To be honest, Alec wouldn’t have argued if he were Luke, either. His mother was scary. Especially when she was pissed.

She ignored his protests as she helped him into the passenger seat, before circling around to the driver’s side. The ride to Magnus’ apartment was filled with a tense silence that he was too tired to try and break. Relief filled him as he saw the familiar building.

He didn’t try to argue this time as Maryse helped him out of the car and up the stairs, Luke meekly trailing them. She knocked on the door and Magnus, prompt as usual, swung it open only a few seconds later.

It took him scarcely a moment to take in their little trio before he was rushing to Alec.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Alec told him, uncomfortable with the way Magnus was fussing over him. He wasn’t used to people actually caring about his well-being and it still set him slightly off balance.

Magnus ignored him, though, looping one of Alec’s arms across his shoulders and leading him inside. When they got to the sofa, he lowered him onto it gently, and then went to the kitchen, returning with a glass of water that he pressed into Alec’s hands.

Only then did he speak, “I don’t care what you say, you are most definitely not fine. We’ve only known each other a short time, but I know when you’re not well. Now, are you going to lie to me or tell me the truth?”

It seemed he couldn’t get his bullshit past Magnus any more than he could with Maryse. “Okay, I’m not completely fine but I am okay. I swear. I just wish everyone would stop fussing over me.”

Magnus scowled at him, “Well that’s too bad because I told you already. I don’t care how much you try to push me out, I’m going to take care of you. Can you please just let me?”

Alec blinked up at him, taking in the concern in his boyfriend’s eyes, thinly veiled by his frustration. This self-sufficiency thing only worked so long as no one could see it was one big sham and clearly, Magnus had seen through that from the very first moment they’d met.

He realized, quite suddenly, that this was something Magnus needed from him. He needed Alec to trust him enough to be vulnerable and let him take care of him. And well, he knew he trusted Magnus. He’d seen Alec at his lowest. Was there really any use in putting up this front with him?

Alec reached out with his free hand to grasp at Magnus’ fingers. “I’m sorry.”

Magnus’ whole body seemed to relax at the gesture, bending to brush his lips across Alec’s knuckles. “Already forgiven.”

The sound of a light cough made him remember that they were very much not alone. He looked up and noticed Maryse smiling at him, in a way that he hadn’t seen in a long time. It gentled her features, making her look younger.

“Not to interrupt, but – “

“Right, my apologies.” Magnus dropped his hand, to Alec’s disappointment, and turned to extend it to Maryse. “I’m Magnus.”

Maryse clasped his hand in hers without hesitation. “It’s nice to formally meet you. I wish we could’ve met under better circumstances.”

Magnus nodded, turning to Luke and extending his hand.

Luke shook it firmly, “I’m Luke and I’m afraid I would be the reason for this whole mess.”

Maryse scowled at him. “Damn straight, but at least you can admit it.”

Alec watched confusion cloud over Magnus’ features. “And may I inquire as to what situation that might be?”

“If you don’t mind us imposing, I think perhaps that is a discussion best had while seated,” Maryse said.

“Of course,” Magnus gestured to the loveseat, positioned catty-corner to the couch, “have a seat. Would you like anything to drink?”

“Water would be fine,” Maryse said.

After Magnus brought back three additional glasses and refilled Alec’s, he took his own seat next to Alec on the bigger sofa. He laced his fingers through Alec’s and he tensed, only for a moment, before he realized that if his mother had a problem with it, she needed to leave not them.

He wouldn’t hide who he was and he wouldn’t hide what Magnus meant to him. To his relief, though, Maryse didn’t even blink, she just gave Alec that same smile from before. Like she was happy for him and glad to see him happy.

It was strange to contextualize given everything that had happened but, right, it was in the past. Clearly, she’d changed just as much as he had, or at least, that’s what he’d like to believe.

She turned to Luke. “Now, would you mind explaining why the hell you thought it was a good idea to bring my son to a crime scene?”

Magnus’ grip on his fingers tightened, but it was clear he was forcing himself to be quiet as Luke dropped his gaze to the floor.

“I admit; it wasn’t my greatest moment.”

“You think?”

“But,” Luke continued, “I hoped that maybe Alec could help us confirm this really was the work of the Circle. I’ve been following their work for years and well, until recently, the use of these particular symbols has only occurred in three crime scenes. The first being well,”

He cleared his throat, clearly not wanting to touch that subject. “The second being at Alec’s apartment and the third, today.”

“And you couldn’t have I don’t know just shown him pictures?” Maryse asked.

“I can’t help but echo that sentiment,” Magnus commented.

“Hindsight is 20/20,” Luke said; his tone laced with regret. He looked up, addressing Alec directly, “I am truly sorry for putting you into that situation. It was a terrible lack of judgment – “

“Forgiven,” Alec interrupted.

Luke’s face showed his skepticism at Alec’s readiness to forgive him.

“Forgiven,” Alec repeated, “I mean yeah, it was stupid and I really wasn’t looking for a panic attack today, but you made your best judgment in the moment and it turned out to be the wrong one. Now you know not to do it in the future. So, forgiven.”

“Kid,” Luke said, shaking his head, “I really don’t deserve your forgiveness, but, for what it’s worth. Thank you.”

“Wait,” Magnus interrupted, “You had a panic attack?”

Alec debated lying to him, then realized it was futile, considering he’d probably either a) end up admitting the truth because he felt guilty about lying to his boyfriend or b) Magnus would wait him out until he ended up blabbing the truth. So, in the end, it was better to just be honest.

“Yeah. I just, I don’t know. Something about the letter and then the girl.” His voice trailed off, the same cloying feeling of anxiety coming over him at recalling the events from earlier. He forced himself to shake it off, concentrating on the press of Magnus’ body and the fact that he was very much not in an old church but his boyfriend’s living room. That did the job of keeping him firmly in the present.

“What letter?” Magnus asked.

Luke sat forward now, setting his glass on the floor, to clasp his hands in front of him. “The Circle left another letter. It was – “

“Terrifying?” Alec suggested.

“That’s one word for it,” Luke agreed. “Sinister, definitely delusional. At any rate, I got a call about 1000. Something about a girl found dead in the college chapel. Trust me, doing my job, that wasn’t even the strangest call I’ve ever gotten. To be on the safe side, I radioed the local PD and got some people to go with me. When we got there, we found well, the girl.

She’d been tied to the altar. Sorry, how graphic do you want me to get?”

Magnus waved the question away, “I’m sure we’ve all heard more grizzly stuff.”

“Right,” Luke took a drink, putting his cup back on the floor, before continuing. “So the girl. She’d been tied to the altar prior to her death. Given the lack of rope abrasions on her wrists, it seems either she was drugged, or she willingly let them tie her to the altar.”

Alec couldn’t suppress the chill that ran through him at the thought that she might have let herself be tied to an altar like a sacrificial lamb. It just seemed so wrong. The human instinct for preservation dictated that when your life was in danger, you fought for it. To know that you were going to die and were okay with it was … unsettling.

“Either case, her death, it wasn’t easy. They um, God sorry this messes me up. There were lacerations on her arms, deep enough to cut through skin, but not so deep that she bled out. These were just above where the rope was.  But that wasn’t the cause of death. No, that appears to be a laceration across her throat. Once we get the report back from the coroner, they’ll be able to tell us more.”

Luke rubbed a hand over the bottom half of his face. “The girl was Tessa Garcia. She’d been reported missing by her family last April. By all accounts, she was a normal girl. The day she disappeared, her parents said she got up to go to school as usual, but she never came home. They found her car dumped at a local shopping center but Tessa was nowhere to be found.

Records from her computer showed that she was chatting to someone. Whoever they were, they covered their tracks pretty well. It’s a classic recruitment technique we see, especially among teens. She’d tell this person about you know, the usual problems she had with school, her parents. This person promised her they could give her a better life, away from all of it.

They’d made a pact to meet up, on the day she disappeared. That was the last time anyone saw her until today that is. I can’t imagine what her parents must be going through.”

He shook his head, “At any rate. I’m going to assume that the symbols on the altar were drawn using her blood. Can’t know that for certain, but I’m pretty sure lab results will confirm it. As for the letter well, it’s pretty clear the implication there.

If it was talking about sacrifices, then it’s probable the sacrifice in question was, unfortunately, Tessa. It also talks about the blood of the innocent convicting the guilty. Clearly, it implies that the Circle finds someone like Tessa to be innocent and someone like Alec – “

“Guilty,” Alec murmured, shuddering. Magnus pulled him closer and he went willingly, needing the warmth of arms around him to ward off the chill of that thought.

“Right,” Luke replied grimly. “As for the rest of the letter, it’s clear that it’s no longer that they just want Alec. No, in their twisted worldview, someone like Alec isn’t even fit to live and they see themselves as the arbiters of justice.”

Maryse cursed, “What the hell is wrong with them. What was wrong with me that I ever went along with this?”

Surprisingly, it was Magnus who spoke first. “While I can’t say I’m happy that either intentionally or not, your actions have dragged Alec into this. You should know, most of the time, people are recruited into cults without their full knowledge that they are in a cult. The important thing is, once you became aware of it, you did your best to get out of it.”

“What good did that do? Really though?” Maryse asked, raking a hand through her hair. “I’ve spent years hiding, running. And for what? I thought that if I did, then at least I could keep my children safe. I thought I could protect them from this but they’ve found me anyway.”

“Hey, hey,” Luke said, turning to her and resting a hand on her back, “This is not your fault.”

“It feels like it.”

“I see where you get the whole martyr complex from now,” Magnus commented looking down at Alec and quirking a brow.

Really, he couldn’t even deny it. Didn’t mean it didn’t irritate him though.

“As much as I hate to admit it,” Alec said. “Magnus is right. Mom, you can’t keep beating yourself up about something that you had no control over. You did your best to protect us and it was Robert who dragged all of us back into this mess. If anyone’s at fault here, it’s him.”

“They’re right,” Luke put in. “Maryse, realistically speaking, you were willing to give up everything just to make sure that Alec was safe, yeah?”

Reluctantly, she nodded.

“Okay, and you’re still here, helping with the investigation and reliving some of the most painful moments in your life to make sure that these bastards are caught. Isn’t that still you doing your best to protect your children?”

“Luke, you know what they’re capable of!” Maryse exclaimed. “They’re monsters. Knowing what I know – what we know about the Circle, do you honestly think there is anything in the world that can stop them? That can protect Alec? And what about Izzy and Jace and Max?”

“Maryse,” Luke told her gently. “It’s true the Circle has a lot of resources, but we’re not completely helpless. From today on, I’m issuing a protection detail for Alec. I will ensure his safety, personally.”

“Wait,” Alec said. “So now like, I can’t go anywhere alone? Like anywhere?”

“Well, we won’t follow you everywhere but your life is in serious danger, Alec. I can’t lie to you. It would be best for you to stay here.”

“So I’m gonna be a prisoner?”

“I’m sorry, I wish it could be different,” Luke said. “But until we can apprehend them, it isn’t safe for you to go anywhere.”

“It’ll be okay,” Magnus told him. “I promise.”

They both knew that promise could very well be in vain.

“I’m sorry Alec, but I agree with Luke,” Maryse said. “I never wanted this for you. I know how miserable it can be to feel like a prisoner in your own home. Just, please, for a little while can we try this?”

Looking at the concern on the faces of the others in the room, Alec knew it was, logically, the best choice. That didn’t stop a sinking feeling of dread from seeping into him. No matter what anyone said, he was convinced there was nowhere he could go that he would truly ever be safe from the Circle, but Magnus’ apartment was as good as anywhere else.

Plus, it helped that Chairman was here to keep him company when Magnus was gone.

He blew out a breath, “Yeah, okay. I mean, I can’t lie and say that I like it but if Luke really thinks this is the way to go then.”

Relief washed across his mother’s features, mirrored in Luke’s face, and, he was sure, Magnus’. He couldn’t find it in himself to feel the same way. If anything, this just felt like a stopgap. The proverbial calm before the storm.

It felt like the Circle was closing in on him and when it did, he wondered if, maybe, he’d end up like that poor girl in the chapel.

“That won’t happen.”

Magnus’ voice startled him. It was as if he’d read his thoughts.

“No, darling, you didn’t say that out loud,” Magnus told him. “I can see it written all over your face. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Something about the fierceness in Magnus’ voice made Alec believe that at least Magnus believed that. He hoped that those words wouldn’t have to actually be put to the test.

The shuffling of movement had his gaze lifting to the other side of the room. Luke and Maryse had gotten to their feet.

Luke rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry again about dragging you into all this mess. But I swear me and my guys, we’re going to do the best we can. I want to bring them to justice once and for all.”

Alec nodded, smiling tightly. “Thanks, Luke.”

Maryse scowled at Luke, “I’m still mad at you, just so you know. But I appreciate you doing what you can to keep Alec safe.”

She reached up to grasp Luke’s elbow. “I really do have to get back to work but, Alec, please don’t get into any more trouble, okay? And I’ll have my phone on at all times if you need anything.”

“Yeah, I’ll do my best.”

Magnus got to his feet, too. “I’ll walk you out.”

Alec already missed his warmth even though he was only a couple of feet away. He distantly heard the low murmur of their voices and then the sound of the front door closing coupled by a quiet ‘snick’ as the deadbolt slid home.

As if cued by the sound, he felt the sofa dip underneath Chairman’s weight as he finally emerged from under the couch where he’d been hiding to jump up beside him. Most of the time, he hated strangers being in the house and for some unknown reason, that was his favorite hiding place.

Alec let him settle into his lap, stroking his fur gently. The answering rumble as the cat began to purr was a strange kind of therapy. It was weird how animals could instantly make you feel better about an insanely shitty day.

“Budge over.”

Alec obediently moved over, giving Magnus more room as he sat down again. Immediately, he relaxed back into his boyfriend’s chest and the sense of safety that surrounded him as Magnus slid an arm around his waist.

“Do you wanna put on a movie?”

“Mm, can you pick?” Alec asked, almost purring himself as Magnus began to stroke a hand through his hair.

He heard Magnus hum his ascent and then the distinct sound of Netflix’s title screen. Magnus, of course, chose a rom-com. Alec didn’t see anything wrong with them necessarily, but he wasn’t really invested in the whole idea either. He was more of a book person than a movie person but right now, it was exactly what he needed.

Here, in this moment, he was as safe as he could possibly be, wrapped in the mundanity of an ordinary existence. But, he wondered, how much longer would the levee hold? How long before the Circle actually got what they were after?

Because, surely, if they were capable of breaking into a prison and murdering people in cold blood and he didn’t want to think about all the other unsavory things they did. What would stop them from getting to him, too?

Chapter Text

Alec took a deep breath, repeating his form for what felt like the millionth time. Chairman watched him impassively from his place on top of the counter. This was the proof of how bored he was. Performing martial arts routines in the middle of Magnus’ living room.

He had visitors most days. His family, Maia, sometimes Neela if she could step away for a minute. But it didn’t change the fact that he felt like he was coming out of his skin.

Everywhere he went, he had to have someone, usually, it was Luke, right there with him. At first, it was unsettling but now it was just annoying. He couldn’t even go to work like a normal person and somehow, he really didn’t want to know how, his mother had spoken with the dean and arranged it to where he was able to do his work-study and his course work from home.

Mostly it was digitizing the library’s catalog and other things like that. It didn’t exactly help to take his mind off things. Nor could any of his school assignments.

He never thought he was the kind of person who wanted to be around other people until that was abruptly taken away from him.

Even burning his energy off like this didn’t really do much to help with his frustration about the whole thing. He sighed and eventually gave up, flopping down onto the couch and staring up at the ceiling pensively.

He cast a glance at the opened window to his left and wondered if it were possible for him to sneak out of it without being caught. If he remembered, there was a fire escape just below the window ledge and if he timed it right maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to climb down it and go where?

Where could he go exactly that someone he knew wouldn’t eventually find him? One of the shop owners, a neighbor, a classmate, hell maybe even the people he worked out with at his dojo would innocently mention they’d seen him walking in the park or whatever, and then he’d get an earful.

It wasn’t really worth it but it didn’t stop his mind from wondering about the possibility. It also didn’t really help that Magnus was in the lab for the majority of the week. It had only been two days since Luke had laid down the final verdict.

At first, he hadn’t thought it was so bad. He figured he would at least have Magnus for company the majority of the time. Except he had forgotten just how busy the life of a grad student could be. His boyfriend spent a ridiculous amount of his time split between his lab, meetings, and the library doing research. There was hardly any time for him to eat, let alone sleep. And forget about being up for anything more than crashing when he got home.

Alec got a different Magnus on the weekends, but not on weekdays. Not that he blamed Magnus or anything. He was just living his life. It certainly wasn’t his fault that Alec had a crazy, murderous cult after him.

That was the other thing. He desperately wanted to know more about the Circle. Why they were so motivated to come after him and people like him. He wanted to (somewhat) understand what made someone go from being somewhat ordinary to believing that they were somehow chosen by an almighty power to exact vengeance on the world.

He’d already been warned not to look them up on the internet, though, so he didn’t really dare to look there. But, after a lot of begging, Luke had finally acceded to checking out a couple of books on modern-day cults from the library for him.

He’d dropped them off that morning but Alec hadn’t felt too motivated to actually read through them yet. Now, though, after he’d already been somewhat productive, he decided maybe he could allow himself to thumb through the pages and see if it could give him any answers.

Alec picked up the first book from the stack. It was titled When Angels Become Devils: The Evil Behind the Mask.

The table of contents had an array of organizations. Some he’d heard of, others he hadn’t. But there was only one name that he was interested in.

Flipping to the back of the book, there it was. The Circle. With that same strange insignia printed under the name.

He laid down on his front, book propped up on one of the sofa cushions and began to read.

As with many things, the Circle began innocently enough. It is deeply ironic that the Circle sought to do what Martin Luther, the famed revolutionary, did so many centuries ago. To break from something they viewed as morally abhorrent and seek after what was believed to be a truer path that would lead them to be closer to their God. Of course, in both cases, it is apparent to see that no amount of lofty ideology can fully refute the ways that human nature will slowly creep in and distort that idealized vision.

To return to the main topic. The Circle was first formed by a group of young people, led by a man named Valentine Morgenstern.

The beginning of Morgenstern’s life indicates that he was as ordinary as many other people of the time. Born in the late ‘60s, growing up he saw first-hand the consequences of the Vietnam War. In fact, his own father was killed in action, leaving his mother penniless and plunging their family into poverty.

However, the death of his father no doubt, as evidenced in Morgenstern's writing, left him feeling no small amount of anger at the change in their circumstances.

To compensate, he often sought refuge in religion. Attending weekly services at his local Catholic Church, Morgenstern was soon deeply entrenched in religious fundamentalism.

Still, there was one other event that would ultimately seem to be the catalyst for his fundamentalism to devolve into full-out radicalization.

Rather, it was not one singular event, but rather, an ever-evolving dissatisfaction that Morgenstern felt towards the Church. A feeling that it was no longer clinging to its ideals and was becoming subverted by the world.

To Morgenstern, this seemed unforgivable. Furious at the Church and its refusal, as he saw it, to condemn what Morgenstern believed to be unforgivable sins, he decided to break away from the main sect and create his own. However, for Morgenstern, he claimed this decision was fomented by a visitation from God Himself.

That He instructed Morgenstern to gather about him disciples and lead them on the true path. This was an instruction taken very seriously.

Soon, the Circle members numbered in the hundreds. They were made up of people like Morgenstern himself. Disillusioned with Church doctrine and the fallout of the latest US foreign conflict in Vietnam. They clung to his message that he had received a new revelation and could give them the answers and a meaning for what seemed so purposeless.

However, as with many things, the Circle began innocently and soon devolved into a sordid melee of unspeakable acts. The separation of everyday members from the more elite of the organization, allowed these actions to continue unabated and undetected for some time.

By all intents and purposes, the Circle was a regular non-profit that was perhaps a little more extreme than other churches of a similar nature, but it did no less for its community. So it was that the darkness of the organization went undetected for almost a decade.

That was, until, the Federal Bureau of Investigation received an anonymous tip from an unnamed source. A source that still is carefully concealed and has not been documented in any public record of the trial of the Circles’ members or elsewhere. At any rate, that one anonymous tip became the undoing of the organization.

Through interrogation and much digging, investigators were able to ascertain the ugly truth behind the organization. No one had any clue about the extreme nature of it and that is perhaps why many cults go undetected, even to this day. Many who are in organizations that may be called cults, do not recognize that they are in one because of the way the cult may bend the truth and subtly weave the lives of its members into its workings until the two are inextricable.

Such was the case with the Circle. Morgenstern made sure to recruit those who were young and vulnerable. Who had a vision and a passion for a better world. Luring them with false promises of ways that they, as individuals, could help their communities and set right many of the wrongs they perceived around them.

All the while, members of the Circle were not permitted to speak of the goings on at church meetings. These discussions were viewed as the most sacred knowledge and only those that had been called to the true path, as they saw it, could be privy to this knowledge. However, it was also the duty of members to recruit others and rescue them, so to speak. This was done in a way that made the Circle seem innocuous.

Indeed, when you had joined, you did not even know you had signed away your freedom until it was gone. Dress was carefully dictated by the Circle for all members, one that, of course, emphasized modesty and tradition. Finances were carefully controlled by the organization, and each new member had to sit down with Morgenstern and construct a financial plan, wherein a set amount of their earnings would be funneled into the Circle’s coffers and whatever charities that the organization deemed acceptable.

Were any of your family to be outsiders, you must cut off contact with them immediately if they were not to be swayed to the true path. While you were in the Circle, all rules must be followed to the letter or you would face Divine Punishment, as they called it. What were these rules? All those mentioned above and more. Morgenstern was bent on creating a utopia in his own vision. A utopia that did not include those who fell outside the so-called norms of society. Including those individuals identifying under any LGBTQ+ identity, as well as women who were seen as ‘defiant’ of the greater male sex – note, these are not the author's words, merely the conclusions Morgenstern himself wrought in his writings.

Often, ex-members would speak of people who would disappear and then come back forever changed, or else, never come back at all. Morgenstern created the perfect breeding ground for paranoia by also instituting a reward system for those who would report misconduct within others. Whether perceived or real, members knew the consequences of defiance. And yet, still, they did not leave.

It must seem unthinkable to some, but in reality, it is the way in which cults operate. Entangling all that you own, believe in, and those you love within something makes it extremely difficult to break away from it. Not to mention, the horrid punishments that awaited those if they were caught.

The general conclusion among the members was that Morgenstern was a harsh, though benevolent leader. If he meted out punishment, it was only to the deserving and his blessings were much richer than his punishments. Besides, they felt as though they were doing what was right. That they had all been called to a higher mission by their God and if Morgenstern was the heaven-sent emissary of this God, clearly to disobey him would be to disobey God Himself.

To return to the uncovering of the Circle. It was revealed that the church was deeply involved in the abominable practice of conversion therapy. Indeed, many members submitted their own children to these trials in the hopes of purification and that they would be led back to the true path. In the members’ view, those groups as mentioned above were a wilful choice, a wilful defiance of the will of God, and thus, could be brought back into submission by whatever means necessary.

However, this is not the only unspeakable thing the Circle was involved in. There was also documented evidence of human experimentation. As recounted later in Morgenstern’s diary, he firmly believed in the idea that God had called him to lead the organization as a means of readying an army for not only the apocalypse but also to fight against so-called evil forces in the present.

Morgenstern truly believed there were demonic forces in play that must be fought against and he envisioned that the men of the organization would be the soldiers needed to do so. While the women would patiently wait on the home-front, organizing prayers and relief for the men when they returned. How they decided on their victims is still unknown. It can be clear to see that Morgenstern was suffering under severe delusions. Let us not forget, though, that real people did die in these efforts. Innocent people.

Additionally, in reading Morgenstern’s diary of his experimentations, one must come to the conclusion that he had reached the furthest darkness that a human may possibly reach. For Morgenstern not only performed these experiments on children that parents were more than willing to hand over for the greater good but on his own son as well. It is unclear the fate that became of these unfortunate children. Most are presumed dead, but as yet, no bodies have been recovered and so they remain among the missing.

Truly, incomprehensible things were performed on these children. Deeds that are not so dissimilar from those trials undertaken by scientists during the Nazi Regime in Germany. I will not speak of them here, but if you do have some type of curiosity, although I would dissuade you, there are copies of Morgenstern’s journal still available for public viewing. Let it be known that something like that should be used only as a warning against what must not be done for the sake of science and the evils of which humanity is capable.

To Morgenstern, however, these experiments were an attempt to build the perfect soldier. The perfect being who could finally eradicate the forces of evil. Whether these experiments were ever, dare I even use this word, successful, is unknown. Morgenstern’s diary ends at the time of the arrest of all Circle Members.

Morgenstern is now in prison, serving a life sentence for his crimes. However, this does not mean he remains powerless. Despite his family’s plunge into poverty following his father’s death, the Morgenstern name still has a far reach. The family being one of the oldest in the country.

It is this, and Morgenstern’s own personal charisma, that make me as the author, remind all who read this that the Circle is still out there. Greatly reduced, but still, an extremist organization that remains a serious threat to public safety.

The authorities have been working since at least since the late ‘80s to capture all members, but no doubt, as many are detained, there are many more who are not.

If you, or anyone you know, is involved with the Circle, or an organization similar to this, please utilize the resources that can be found at the back of this book. Please, if you are able, know it will not get better the longer you stay. Your best choice is to flee.

“I see you’re actually reading that stuff.”

Alec swore, whirling around and nearly falling onto the floor at the sound of the voice behind him.

Luke raised his hands placatingly, “Easy kid. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Alec clutched one hand to his chest, “Don’t do that. Oh my God, could you at least have warned me you were there?”

“I thought you heard me come in.”

“Clearly not.”

Luke grinned, and then swatted at his feet. “Move over.”

Alec obliged him. Then frowned at the other man, “Wait. Why are you here?”

“I figured you could use the company. Besides,” Luke’s smile faded into a more serious expression. “Since you keep asking about the Circle I figured I could tell you. Since, you know, I was in it.”

Right. Alec had somehow forgotten that. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Luke waved him off. “I’ve spent a long time coming to terms with my involvement. A long time trying to make up for all the things that I did. My psych tells me, and I know they’re right, that I wasn’t really in control. I had no idea what I was getting into, or what Valentine was using my intel for.

Still. I was guilty by association and I did my time. I made a deal and in exchange for a reduced sentence, I promised to head a task force that would bring in anyone who had escaped the initial arrest.”

“Luke, sir.” Alec swallowed. “What I was reading about. Did this Valentine guy really you know?”

The other man leaned back, staring at the ceiling. “Valentine Morgenstern is one evil son of a bitch. I just wish I had noticed it sooner. Maybe then.”

He swallowed roughly. “Maybe then Jocelyn would still be alive and all those kids too.”

Alec’s interest was piqued but still. His curiosity shouldn’t come at the price of someone else’s pain. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“I told you, kid. That was a long time ago.” Luke straightened, turning to look at him. “Now. Are you going to listen or what?”

Reluctantly, Alec nodded.

“Well, see my story starts off like this. My mom did all that she could for us, tried to raise me and my sister right. But, I guess we were kinda damned from the start. My dad went off and left her with us in a time when there weren’t a whole lot of single mothers.

It’s kind of a sad, cliché type of story, but hey, it’s mine. By the time I was thirteen, I was bumming it on the streets selling dope to earn a little more cash, and hey, if I sampled some of the product, that was my business. By seventeen, I’d been in and out of juvie so much I think I spent more time there than I did at my own home.

I didn’t have much prospects. Didn’t seem as though someone like me could really cut it on the college scene so I went and joined up.

Never knew all that time I spent dodging cops would come in handy dodging snipers in jungles and deserts all over the world. Definitely Secret Squirrel shit. Mostly gathering intel on Russia and whatnot. I was hmm, almost 21 when I got the injury that furloughed me, and then I was getting an honorable discharge.

Mom was a pacifist, definitely against the whole military thing and she wasn’t pleased that it was the path I decided to go down but she supported me right up until the end.”

“What happened to her?”

“Cancer.” Luke said, “Same year as I got my injury, actually. Seemed like I was getting payback for all the hell I’d raised. My sister, Cleo. She went and joined a nunnery. Can’t say as I really understood it, but we lost contact sometime between then and mom’s death. She showed up for the funeral and told me if I needed somewhere to go, she knew a guy who ran a local church. Said that he could give me four walls, a meal, and a bed.

At the time, it seemed an option as good as any, and hell, if my sister the nun trusted this guy, why shouldn’t I?”

Luke swallowed, “Guy turned out to be Valentine Morgenstern. I have to admit, kid. At that time in my life, I felt lost. Felt like I’d found my purpose in the world only to have that taken from me, too. I wasn’t a big believer in God at the time, still aren’t, if I’m gonna be honest, but there was something about Valentine that made me believe in his vision.

I’d seen firsthand the fallout from Vietnam, the politics going on in the world. I knew how it was to grow up with nothing and be surrounded by violence. I wanted to believe that maybe that wasn’t all there was, that there could be something better.

That’s also where I met Jocelyn. Like me, it seemed she was a refugee of the world. Running from what she never said but she fell right into Valentine’s arms. I was jealous as hell, believe me, but I understood why she’d choose him. I’ve never seen anyone in my whole life who could move people the way that Valentine did. It was nothing short of a miracle.

And, I suppose, we all thought we were doing something good. Building houses, setting up shelters, doing food drives. Tutoring kids and helping other people find jobs. You know, basic stuff but you could see how it really was helping out the community, and hell, people were thankful. Thankful to be put to work and find a trade, have more prospects than they ever thought they could.

I thought, you know, I was paying it forward. But then, Valentine started asking me to do more than supervise missions, as he called them. He would tell me to meet up with someone at a certain address and write down whatever they told me and bring it back to him. Or, he would tell me to go to another address and take down all I could on the people who lived there.

I wasn’t stupid. I knew that I was being given encrypted messages and I was definitely performing surveillance on unsuspecting people. It was shady, if not downright illegal, but I figured he must’ve had a good reason for doing it. I guess I was blind.

I really wanted to believe that anything I was doing was going towards the greater good. That was, until, I found about the experiments.”

Luke was quiet for a moment, lost in the past.

Alec cleared his throat and asked gently, “The experiments?”

“Right, yeah.” Luke’s face twisted into a grimace. “Sorry, I guess I was wandering a little bit there. The experiments. It was an accident how I found out, to be honest. I was supposed to be meeting with Valentine to go over some Circle business. The boring stuff. Finances, schedules, new members, that kind of thing.

Well, he wasn’t in his office but I knew there was another building in the back that was his eyes only. No one ever really knew why, but no one really questioned it. That’s how much we believed in him. So, I don’t know what prompted me to go there that day, but I did.

The door was unlocked and I just walked right in. Shows how arrogant he was and how much he’d cowed us all to not even bother locking the damn thing. At any rate, when I went in, it was just a big empty room. No furniture. Nothing.

Strangest damn thing and then I heard the screaming. My instincts kicked in and I was rushing down the hallway before I could even tell myself that might not be the greatest idea.

When I got to the end, there was this other room, kind of like an operating room. The screams, they were coming from this kid. He was strapped onto this gurney and Valentine was just looming over him. There were a couple other people I recognized, all standing around and taking notes like the kid wasn’t even a human being just – just an object that they could study.

They did something else to him. I don’t know what but he just started screaming again. I couldn’t take much more. I turned and left and tried to pretend like I’d never seen anything, but I couldn’t get that image out of my head.

It was sick. Wrong. Didn’t match up with what I thought I knew about my friend. And yeah, at that point, I seriously thought Valentine was my friend. We shared laughs and beers and hell, he told me everything, or at least I thought he did. But he’d never told me about that.

Afterward, things weren’t the same for me. I started putting together pieces that I had dismissed before. People going missing. People winding up dead. Some of them people that had lived at the addresses that I’d done surveillance on. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that something wasn’t right. I wanted to go to the authorities, but I was so afraid. I didn’t know what Valentine would do to me if he found out what I knew.

Turns out, I worried about nothing, because somehow he did know. I was woken up in the middle of the night with a bag over my head. It was like something out of a movie. I was thrown in the back of a car and taken somewhere. I still don’t know where to this day. They beat me and left me for dead in a ditch.

I was practically there when this random guy, who happened to be doing a trail run early the next morning, found me. I was brought to the hospital and of course, police were called. I saw it as my chance, Alec.

But dammit, they didn’t believe me. In fact, they laughed in my face. Told me that I’d clearly had too many hits over the head. You see, everyone in the community knew Valentine and respected him. No one wanted to believe that he was capable of this kind of thing.

With nowhere else to go, I went to ground. Seems my military training was good for something. I didn’t want Valentine or anybody else in the Circle to know that I was alive so I moved out. Went north for a while, then west. Never staying in one place for too long.

Then, one day I saw a news announcement saying how Valentine had been arrested along with a whole bunch of other members. I still don’t understand how they found me, but the next day some FBI investigator was pounding on my hotel door and dragging me in for questioning. This time, they actually believed me and that’s when I struck my deal. To be honest, in the beginning, I wasn’t doing it for anything but revenge. For what Valentine had done to me, but more so for what he’d done to those kids.

It was almost a year later that Jocelyn found me and we were happy, for a little while anyway. Then, one day she went to work and she just didn’t come back. They found her body a few days later and I got Clary and then Simon came along, but I guess that’s a different story for a different day.

Point is, kid, Valentine is ruthless. I don’t even know if he has the ability to feel empathy or remorse for anyone. His mind’s so twisted around what he sees as truth he’ll stop at nothing to achieve it and he’ll drag anyone who follows him right along with him.”

Alec shivered. “He sounds like a monster.”

“Sometimes, I think that is too light of a word to use on someone like him,” Luke remarked. “I can’t believe how many years of my life I wasted chasing after someone, something that wasn’t ever actually real.”

“You couldn’t have known.”

“No,” Luke’s voice was laced with sadness. “But hell, I wish I did know. Maybe I could’ve done what Maryse and Jocelyn did. They’re the real heroes. And someday, when all these bastards are in a prison cell, I hope the world is gonna know exactly what they did.”

“I want that, too,” Alec murmured. “You know, when I first met back up with my mom, I hated her. I thought about all the horrible things that she let my father say to me. She didn’t even try to stop me from leaving. Now, I know, in some messed up way she was just trying to protect me. Do you think she knew that the Circle would come back for me?”

“Knowing Maryse?” Luke shook his head, “It wouldn’t surprise me. Everything she does is for her family. But I can tell you what kid, she may have been blinded by bigotry but she’s trying to make it right, now. She’s really torn up about this whole thing. She thinks it’s her fault.”

“But it isn’t.” Alec pointed out. “It’s Robert’s fault.”

Luke nodded. “I’m with you there but sometimes our minds can know something but it takes a lot longer for our hearts to believe it. And I’m sure Maryse never wanted to believe that Robert would be capable of anything like that. It’s crazy, how we think we know someone, and then they do something so unspeakable. It can really mess with a person.”

“Yeah.” Alec agreed softly, once again his thoughts revolving back to Robert. It was hard to think about him as his father, even in his own thoughts. Someone who would be willing to sign him over to the literal devil, for what? Religious conviction? Someone like that didn’t seem like much of a father to him. Not to mention all the years he’d spent making Alec feel ashamed for being the person he was. The vitriol he’d hurled at him that fateful night. No, he was no father to him.

“You know, he wasn’t always like that.”

“Who?”

“Robert.”

Alec snorted derisively.

“You can laugh, but I’m serious. Before Valentine got inside his head that is. Then, something changed. I sometimes wonder if Robert wasn’t one of Valentine’s first experiments but, I guess, there’s no way of knowing that.”

The thought didn’t evoke any sympathy in Alec. He’d made his choices, right? He’d had the opportunity to get out but he’d chosen to stay. And if what Luke said was true, if Robert really was an elite member, then he was definitely aware of Valentine’s experiments. Which made the fact that he’d been willing to turn Alec over to them even worse. It meant that he knew the grizzly fate awaiting him, but by some twisted logic, thought it was the best thing for him.

“I didn’t want to say this out loud before,” Alec said, “But I’m really glad he’s dead. Does that make me a terrible person?”

Luke smiled at him sadly, reaching up to squeeze his shoulder gently. “No, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you human.”

“But,” Alec persisted, “Doesn’t that mean I’m just like him? Isn’t it that hatred that made the Circle do all those terrible things?”

“Kid,” Luke leaned forward. “Don’t ever let me hear you say that about yourself ever again. You are nothing like them, you hear me? You might hate Robert for what he did and who could blame you? But that isn’t the equivalent of the Circle hating every person who isn’t like them.”

“I don’t know if I hate him, though,” Alec admitted softly. “All I wanted was to have a dad, you know? I looked around at all my friends growing up and I wanted what they had. But Robert, even when I was little, it was like he couldn’t be bothered with us. He was always gone.

Even when he was home, he stayed in his office most of the time. I tried to be the son he wanted but I always fell short somehow. Me being gay seemed to be the final straw I guess. But even then, even when he was saying all those things to me, deep down inside I didn’t want to believe that it was true. I kept hoping that one day if we ever saw each other again, he would tell me that it was all a mistake. That he didn’t mean it.

I don’t know what’s worse, Luke. The fact that I know he actually did mean all that stuff or the fact that I know I’ll never actually get to have the chance to have a real relationship with him.”

Alec sniffed, rubbing at his eyes, the action dislodging Luke’s hand from his shoulder.

“Oh, Alec,” Luke sighed. “Listen to me and I want you to listen good.”

He took a deep breath, “I know more than anyone what it’s like to grow up without your dad. I know how it feels to want what you just talked about. Like there’s this hole inside of you that you can’t fill.

But. I do know something else. Robert wasn’t capable of being the kind of father that you needed, that any of you kids needed. Some people, they’re just not cut out to be parents and the worst thing is, they’re not the ones who suffer because of it. It doesn’t change the hurt that you feel and it doesn’t take your anger away, knowing that.

What it does do is tell you that it’s not your fault. You can’t choose the family you’re born into, but you can damn well do what you’ve done, Alec. You decided to move on and make a new family. I’ve seen how you are with Maia and Neela. Even Maia’s crazy boyfriend. I’ve seen the way you are with Maryse and your siblings and I can tell you, Robert didn’t have a hand in any of that. Anyone would be proud to call you their son.”

Alec sniffed again. “Do you really mean that?”

“Yeah, kid, I do,” Luke told him. “Robert missed out on a lot, but that was his choice. Don’t let his mistakes become yours. Continue making your own path. Persevere. You owe that to yourself.”

“Okay, yeah, I will.”

Impulsively, he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Luke. He felt the other man stiffen, and then he was returning the embrace.

After a few moments, Alec sat back.

“You know,” He said, “When I first met you I thought you were pretty scary.”

Luke barked out a laugh.

“And I wasn’t too sure about you and my mom.”

“But?”

“But now I know I was wrong. You’re a good man, Luke. And uh, thank you. For what you said.”

Luke grinned, “Well, you’re not too shabby yourself, kid. I meant what I said though. You have the chance to make things right. And about this whole thing with the Circle, don’t worry, it’ll be okay, okay?”

Alec nodded.

“All right,” Luke levered himself to his feet, “I got some things I gotta take care of. But I’ll be back this evening to check in on you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“What did I tell you before, Alec?” Luke said, shaking his head. “You gotta let people take care of you and if I want to stop by this evening and check on you, that’s my choice. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Good. Now, come lock this door behind me.”

Alec got up, walking with Luke to the door. “See you later.”

“Later.” Luke gave him a lazy, two-fingered salute.

Alec slid the dead-bolt home and wandered back to the couch. Unsurprisingly, Chairman was nowhere to be seen. Probably he’d made himself scarce when Luke had come in.

He pulled out his phone, dialing Maia’s number before he’d fully decided on whether or not that was a great idea.

She picked up on the second ring. “Miss me already?”

Normally, he might’ve bantered back and forth with her for a while but he just wasn’t in the mood for that today.

“Yeah, actually I did.” He admitted. Maia had visited a couple of days earlier, but between work and her class schedule, aside from the weekends, it wasn’t too often they got to see each other.

That was usually the case, but still, they’d made time by taking lunch together or meeting in the library after class to study. There would be none of that now. Not with all the other crazy things going on.

“Do you want me to come over?”

He did, but he didn’t want to make her leave her apartment knowing she had classes early tomorrow morning. He told her as much.

“I hate when you make logical arguments like that.”

“No, you don’t.”

“No, I don’t.” She agreed. “But I can still talk to you for a few minutes.”

It was only now that he noticed her apartment was unusually quiet. “Hey, wait a minute. Where’s Jordan?”

“He’s at rehearsal. He’s been working pretty hard lately.”

“That’s not a bad thing, right?”

“No, I’m just hoping he doesn’t forget to also keep up with his classes. And anyway, stop trying to change the subject. What’s going on with you? I know you didn’t just call me to have a casual chat.”

“I guess I just needed to hear your voice?” Alec said uncertainly. “It makes things feel a little insane. Especially…”

“Especially?” She prompted.

“Well, Luke just left and he said some stuff. It’s kind of got me thinking.”

“Okay, what did he say?”

Alec rolled the question over, trying to decide which parts he could safely say over the phone. “I wish I could give you all the details, but I can’t. Suffice it to say, these people are even more insane than I thought. And I guess. The thing that really made me think was whether or not the way I feel about Robert is the same way that he and those other people feel about everyone else who’s not like them.”

“Don’t be an idiot!” Maia barked.

Alec winced and held the phone away from his ear. “Geez, you couldn’t have given me a heads up before you did that?”

“You don’t need a heads up when you’re being an idiot.” He heard her take a deep breath and then she spoke again, quieter. “Just the fact that you’re so torn up about this shows that you’re nothing like them. You could never be anything like them.”

Those words, definitely the same words Luke had spoken earlier.

“I know you don’t believe in yourself a lot of the time. You don’t see yourself the way the rest of us do and I know why that is. Robert was the one who put those thoughts in your head. But they’re not true, you hear me? Not a single one of them. Remember what we promised?”

“I remember.” He said softly.

“Good,” Maia told him. “Or else I really am about to march over there and smack some sense into you.”

In spite of himself, he laughed.

He couldn’t see her, but he knew she was smiling. “I know I don’t say it a lot, but damn it. I love you, Alec. You’re like the brother I always wished that I had. You always put everyone else first and even now, when you’re going through all of this shit, you’re still in some way worried about hurting other people. Would you like to explain to me how the hell that means you’re anything like him?”

Right. That was Maia. Always handing him his ass and showing him how ridiculous he was being.

“You’re right.” He said. “I’m being an idiot.”

He grinned when he heard her laugh.

“And for the record, I love you too. I feel the same way, you’re like my sister.”

“Damn straight,” Maia said.

Alec felt his smile grow wider. It was amazing how everything could be so messed up and yet, some things never changed.

Suddenly, Maia cursed. “Damn it. Okay, I have to go or else I’ll never get up for class on time. I’ll text you in the morning, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And don’t stress yourself out, all right? It’ll work out.”

“I hope so,” Alec whispered, but she was already gone.

He wanted to believe that but still. It felt like the more he knew about the Circle, the less he understood. But how could you understand something like that?

A group of people so bent on exerting their own ideas onto the world they didn’t care who they hurt in the process. Sure, there was something to be said for being wrapped up in something you didn’t understand but even then, he wondered how far that excuse could stretch before it broke.

Luke had been in the Circle and he knew what they were doing was wrong. Maryse had known. And they’d both spent the last years of their life fighting against it in their own ways.

No, he didn’t think he would ever be able to comprehend the kind of evil the Circle was capable of.

He shivered, thinking about that girl in the church. She’d been willing to give her life for their cause. Because she believed that whatever they were doing was for the greater good. To snuff out what they saw as the evils of humanity.

But people like him. They weren’t evil. He knew that. It had taken a while to purge himself of that thought, but he’d done it.

He realized there was no logic and no amount of thinking that would make anything the Circle had done make sense. You couldn’t find something that had never been there in the first place.

That book was right. So long as the Circle was still out there and there were people willing to carry on its legacy, it remained a threat to public safety. It was evil and it was wrong. And now. Now it had its sights set on him.

Once more, he turned to stare out the open window. Outside, there were people walking, going about their lives and he was stuck in here. He wondered how long this stalemate could last.

How long until the other members that were out there were caught? How long could he realistically stay confined? Because, eventually, he was sure the Circle would go back underground to lull them into a false sense of security. It seemed exactly like the sort of thing they would do.

If that happened, there was little ground the authorities could stand on to keep the protection detail on him. If that happened, well. He really didn’t want to think about that.

There was only one solution here that would result in the best outcome. For all of the remaining members to be caught. But that seemed to be more and more of a remote possibility.

Even so. He wanted to believe that it was improbable, not impossible. Sooner or later they were bound to slip up and when they did, he knew it would be their undoing.

Chapter Text

“C’mon Mags, no. I don’t want to go anywhere,” Alec pouted up at his boyfriend, who was currently doing his best to tug him up off the sofa. It was currently Saturday, a few days after Luke’s visit.

Ordinarily, he wouldn’t be putting up too much of a fuss about actually being able to breathe fresh air and get out of the apartment, but he had to write this paper. And looking up genetic sequences and mutations was literally the most time-consuming thing ever. If he wanted to get it done on time, he would have to devote as much of his waking hours to it as possible.

“Alec, you’ve been working for the last four hours. Don’t you think you deserve a break?”

He blinked, glancing down at the tiny clock in the corner of his laptop screen, and realized that it really had been four hours. Still.

“No, I need to do this.” Alec re-directed his attention to the blinking cursor on the word document. He flicked his gaze to the left, assessing the sequence he needed to write down and –

His train of thought was broken by Magnus leaning over the arm of the sofa to press his palms to Alec’s stomach. Cool fingers sliding under the fabric of his sweater to splay over warm skin.

Alec forced himself to concentrate, determinedly ignoring the contrast of the pads of his boyfriend’s fingers and the cold press of metal from Magnus’ rings on his chest. But Magnus wasn’t going to go down easy. Of course not.

He began to press gentle kisses to Alec’s neck, scraping the edge of his teeth just behind his ear.

Alec shivered, his concentration now slipping as Magnus flicked his fingernail across one nipple, while simultaneously biting down, applying more pressure to the thin skin.

“Mm, Mags – no,” Alec moaned, trying to pull away from his boyfriend’s insistent touches that were driving him to distraction.

“Please,” Magnus purred in his ear. “Just a few minutes and then I promise I’ll let you go back to your paper.”

Alec was having trouble figuring out why he’d been so against this in the first place.

“F – Fine,” He panted. “But just a few minutes.”

Magnus pressed one last kiss to his neck, before straightening. Alec tugged at his shirt, trying to tamp down the urge to grab his boyfriend and pay him back for his antics by saving his work and putting his computer to sleep.

He got up, placing the laptop on the coffee table, ensuring that it was plugged in. The last thing he wanted was to lose anything in case it ran out of battery and shut down anyway.

Magnus hurried him into his coat, jamming a beanie over his head, barely letting him slip on his boots before he was ushering him out the door.

He signaled to the officer who was currently on duty. This time, it was Marshal Stiele who stepped out of the car. Presumably, Dietrich was there, too. They’d set up a system where, if needed, one person would escort Alec wherever he needed to go and the other would stay at the apartment to keep an eye on things.

She fell into step behind them, close enough to react if something were to happen, but far enough away to give them the illusion of privacy.

“Where are you taking me, anyway?” Alec asked.

“I figured you could use fresh air,” Magnus told him, looping their arms together. He swerved to avoid a kid on a skateboard. “So, I’m taking you to the park.”

“Seriously? In this weather?”

Magnus grinned. “Why not? It’s not actually snowing for once. I’d say it’s a perfect day to go for a walk.”

Alec shivered, for an entirely different reason this time. Despite his boots, beanie, scarf, gloves, and overcoat, he was still freezing. And even though he was enjoying being outside for once, he would’ve liked to have been outside on a day when it wasn’t so unbelievably cold.

“Just because it’s not snowing doesn’t mean it’s not actually, you know, freezing, out here.”

Magnus leered at him. “Then I guess I’ll just have to warm you up then.”