Archive of Our Own ^beta

May 1

I’m going to be a great hero! I just know it! I will always do my best no matter what! Even when I’m struggling. Even when I’m feeling the way I’ve been feeling. I’ll make sure to be the best hero that I can be!

Recently, I’ve been feeling numb and so heavy, it’s like a weight in my chest holding me down. Nobody knows how much I’m hurting or how much I struggle because I try to always have a smile on my face. I mean they see how much I struggle every day without having a quirk and with all the bullies I have to deal with, but nobody cares. So, I put on a smile. I act as if everything is okay, because I’m going to become a hero who saves kids like me; kids that don’t have a voice, kids that struggle to make it through the day. I struggle to make it through every second, but I doubt anybody can tell. Even my own mother thinks I’m truly happy. She sees me with my notebooks and my nervous habits and thinks they are from excitement. Who am I to tell her any different?

I mean if I really think about it, I am worthless. I truly do live up to my name of Deku. I’m not needed. Who would need me? All I am is an inconvenience, I just get in everybody’s way. Kacchan has no difficulty telling me how much of a burden I am to him. As much as I just try to stand by his side it’s never enough and he has no qualms telling me how I’m pathetic. 

Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should just give up on everything. I mean if I can’t be a hero what’s the point? I’ve never had another dream in my life. I’ve always just wanted to be a hero. I’ve done countless research on tactics and quirk analysis but what’s the point if I can’t follow through on any of them? What’s the point when I don’t have a quirk and I can’t contribute anything to society?

I’ve been trying to keep this blog to keep my spirits up but they are falling quickly. I can’t do anything right. I doubt anybody is actually reading these anymore anyway. I’m just spilling my guts to the great unknown, to the void that is the internet. I could probably write a suicide note here and nobody would even notice.

Hah! You know? I’m actually curious about that. I wonder how long it would take for anybody to notice I’m gone? I mean my mom would maybe notice fairly quickly. But if I planned to do it on a night that she worked through and didn’t get home until after I was at school? I wonder how long it would take her. And then there are days she does those shifts two (sometimes even three) nights in a row. So, if I did it on her first shift? If I just left this house with no trace...how long would it take her to notice I was gone? How long would it take for my school to notice? For Kacchan? I wonder?

I mean not that I’d ever do something like that haha. It’s just a thought. I mean I have a happy life and like I said at the beginning of this post I’m gonna be a great hero. You can always count on me!

I’m happy we have the heroes that we do in society today. They’re an inspiration! They truly keep me going! Especially All Might! I don’t know where I’d be without him. (Probably dead in a ditch by now, but that’s besides the point!)

As always! Go Beyond Plus Ultra! See you guys in my next blog!

June 15

Today was rough again, but when have my days ever been easy? The last time I had an easy day was when Kacchan and I used to go in the woods with the other kids from our neighborhood. I remember the last day he let me go out with them...I was the last in our line, Kacchan was the first like always, but I didn’t mind holding up the rear! At least I got to go with them!

I remember when Kacchan fell from the log we used to cross the creek. I was so scared! He fell from so high, I didn’t want him to get hurt so I ran right up to him! I ran as fast as I could to make sure I was there to help! But all I got when I extended my hand to help was him shoving my hand away and looking at me in disgust! I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe the fire I saw in his eyes! That was when I learned how much he truly hated me. I didn’t want to believe it, I still don’t want to believe it, but Kacchan really hates me. 

I learned that fact again today. He shoved me into my locker which he does every day but today he made sure to crash my head right into the metal. He tripped me in the lunchroom later on too. His pranks, well I guess it’s just bullying at this point, are getting a lot worse and I don’t even know why. What have I done to offend him so greatly?

I really just try and stay as invisible as I can. I don’t want people to notice me at school or really anywhere for that matter. 

I very much didn’t do a good job at staying invisible today. Besides Kacchan’s bullying I even got chocolate milk thrown at me. I tried to figure out who threw it but everyone just laughed and pointed at me so I couldn’t distinguish who it was. It was weird though, when I was looking around the cafeteria trying to figure it out, I spotted Kacchan and he looked somewhat somber? Like he had a sad glint in his eye? But I must have been imagining that because once he saw me staring he scowled and got up from his lunch table. 

After that incident I rushed out as quickly as I could. I hoped to reach the bathroom without hyperventilating. I made it...but I was already having a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, my chest was tight and my vision was becoming blurry. 

Thankfully nobody came in while I was there; the one good thing about my day. I was able to get myself back together before my next class started. I was able to plaster my signature smile on my face. It faltered just slightly when I walked in and Kacchan turned, making eye contact ever so quickly before turning back away. 

The rest of the day was uneventful, Kacchan didn’t spare me a second glance. He didn’t even insult me when he left. Some other kids said stuff when they were leaving but it was easy to tune them out. 

I got to see mom before she left for her shift tonight. We had dinner, katsudon, my favorite. She really is the best mom out there. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve such a great mother! I am sad I won’t get to see her for the next few days but at least once this rotation is over we have a whole week of breakfasts and dinners together to celebrate!

As always! Go Beyond Plus Ultra! See you guys in my next blog!

July 30

I want this year to be over! I can’t stand it anymore! Why? Why does this have to be my life? Why do people keep reminding me that I’m the scum of the earth? I know this! I know I’m worthless and that I can’t do anything right! I fucking know this! Don’t they understand this is why I’m trying to be something better? Don’t they realize I’m trying to be better? I’m doing the best that I can! Well I guess that’s a lie...I can always do better. I need to do better.

Kami, I really do suck at everything! Why do I even bother at this point? All I’m good at is being pathetic. Even my teacher pointed that out today. It was funny, I’m sure he was trying to make me man up, but he told me I was too scrawny, I was too much of a klutz and that he understood why most of the students bullied me. Well he didn’t say that to me, I overheard him saying it to another teacher...but then he turned the corner and ran right into me. All he could do was smile sheepishly, push up his glasses, look me in the eye and say, “Well did I really say anything that was untrue?”

Even my teachers see that there’s nothing special in me. Maybe I really should look into another job career. But, I can’t picture myself as anything but a hero! I have to be a hero. I have to be someone everyone looks up to and strives to be like! I can’t have kids hurting like me. Nobody deserves this type of treatment but me. So, I just have to deal with all of this so one day I can become strong enough to hold the burden for everyone! I will save every person that I can! I will be the one they look up to! I will show them the way! I can’t give up!

As always! Go Beyond Plus Ultra! See you guys in my next blog!

August 17

My mom and I went to the beach today! It was so much fun! It made me forget all about my life. It was so peaceful there. I wish I could always spend my days on that beach. I loved hearing the crashing of the waves and the feel of sand in between my toes. I also found some shells! 

I can’t believe I have to go back to school on Monday. I’m not looking forward to that. It’s like I have to come up for air, face reality, after being in my own atlantis. I was finally in my own bliss. I never thought I’d find myself happy again. 

I don’t know if mom could tell but I needed this trip today. I had been so numb again it was like I couldn’t even breathe, like I was drowning. Which is ironic since I literally could have drowned in that water today and didn’t. I felt more alive in that water than I have in a long time. It was so beautiful. 

Some thoughts that popped in my head were how nice it would be to stay there forever. To be able to see the waves every day, to feel that sand, to see the small little crabs running by. All of it was so tranquil. So calm. You know? Some people say that the place that you die absorbs your energy; you stay there forever. This is the place where I'd like to spend the rest of eternity. 

I dream of the days I can stay there forever. The days where I don’t have to worry about my actual life. Where I can just sit and watch the sun dance and glisten off the water. I know that’s where I want it to all end and begin again. 

As always! Go Beyond Plus Ultra! See you guys in my next blog!

September 12

If I leave today, who would miss me? I mean truly miss me? I know maybe my mom would but is that even a certainty? I mean I’m her child so it’s kind of an obligation of hers to love me. But, if I wasn’t her child? If she could be free from the burden that I place on her, she’d be happier wouldn’t she?

Everyone would be happier without me around. I’m just a slob, I sleep through most days that I don’t have school. I can’t cook. I can’t really clean. I am useless no matter how you look at it. 

See you guys in my next blog!

October 25

I want to be better. I want to not hurt the way that I do. I wish I could just be happy like everyone else around me but I just can’t. I mean I put a smile on but that doesn’t make me happy. I truly don’t even know what happiness feels like anymore. I thought it was the beach, but I went back there today. It felt calm and peaceful but there was no happiness there anymore.

Where had it gone?

See you guys in my next blog

November 9

I can’t wait to get away from all the kids in this school! All of them either bully me or pretend that I don’t exist. This year is almost over and then I just have to deal with one final year! I just want to finally not be afraid to walk down the halls. To finally be able to walk with my head held high. I can’t do that here. If I tried I’d get kicked or my head thrown into a locker, or a window, or worst of all thrown into a toilet. That was the bullies favorite thing to do. They loved watching while I struggled. Maybe that’s where my fascination of drowning came from. 

If you think about it, drowning is a beautiful act. I mean water is fascinating and water makes up most of what we are, so to die by its hands? It’s beautiful right? Water...it’s just so fascinating. It really is.

As always! Go Beyond Plus Ultra! See you guys in my next blog!

December 20

I’m going to be a hero! I need to be a hero. I just need to get through this year and then I can get into UA and make my dreams come true! I can do this! I know I can. I have to.

As always! Go Beyond Plus Ultra! See you guys in my next blog!

January 18

Why do I even keep this blog going? Nobody even looks at it. I miss when I first started this and had a few people who would reach out. Now I’m just another nobody on here. I mean I’m a nobody in real life so why should I think this would be any different? I mean seriously? I really truly am a Deku. I just need to accept it.

I wanted to prove that I can be useful and that I am worth something…but I can’t can I? I can’t prove something when it’s not true. I can’t prove I can be a hero. I can’t prove I’m not an idiot. I can’t prove that I deserve to be happy. Why would someone like me deserve any of that? 

How am I supposed to be a hero to kids who feel the same way I do when I can’t even help myself? I can’t even stand up to the bullies I have at my school! I can’t even prove I’m worth a damn. How in the hell am I ever supposed to be a hero? How can I do anything when I only fail at everything I try? Why do I even bother?

I know I need to keep trying. I can do this, but honestly can I? Like is any of this even worth it? I should just give up shouldn’t I? Yes, yes, I really should just give up. It’d be better for everyone.

Well with that.

See you guys in my next blog!

February 20

All Might is so amazing! There was an accident and a family of four ended up driving off a bridge, he saved all four of them! All Might’s so strong! What’s even more crazy is that where he saved them isn’t that far from here! 

Imagine if I could meet him someday?! I don’t even know what I’d do! I’d probably fanboy out and hyperventilate! I don’t think my heart could handle that! But, he’s so cool! He saves everyone with a smile! With his smile he’s telling everyone he’s alright and the people with him are alright! He’s such an inspiration!

I wish I could be just like him! I want to be able to save as many people as I can! At this point I would just be happy to save one. Anyone! I just want to be useful to somebody. 

That was not where I meant for this post to go! I’m sorry about that haha. Okay! So, yeah All Might saved that family a few towns over from where I live! I still can’t believe it! Maybe he’ll come here! Or maybe I’ll make a trip out to the last town he was sighted in. That might be weird though... and I have school. Damn, well maybe I’ll see a sighting of him someday!

As always! Go Beyond Plus Ultra! See you guys in my next blog!

March 29

I witnessed a villain attack today. Well I saw it on the news and rushed to the scene. It was so exhilarating! I had so many ideas of how they would handle it. And guess what? When they actually executed their plan? Well, it was just as I had predicted! I was so happy to see that!

There still haven’t been any more sightings of All Might since that day he saved the family. I know he’s probably busy but we usually hear about some of his actions! I find it strange too, I don’t think there has ever been a sighting of him out of his hero duties! 

I would think that so many people would be trying to find him on his days off but it seems they can’t. How does he stay so discreet when he’s not working? There has to be so many people stalking him just to get one picture! He’s also very identifiable so he must be a master in disguises or something! How he’s worked for so many years and still no pictures of him out of work, it’s incredible!

On another topic of heroes I heard there’s going to be few making their first debut in the next month or two! That should be really exciting! I need to find out what their quirks are and their hero names!

As always! Go Beyond Plus Ultra! See you guys in my next blog!

April 2

I don’t even know how to type what happened to me today...I’m still in shock. I should be happy right now, I finally met my favorite hero. It should be the best day of my life. I should be jumping for joy right now! But all I really want to do is curl up into a ball and pretend I don’t exist. 

I’ll get back to meeting my hero, the worst part of my day was having Kacchan pay attention to me again. I thought we were getting better since he seemed to be ignoring me more...but then he heard my plan to go to UA. I didn’t think it’d be such a surprise to him since when we were younger we always said we would go together, but he got so mad and even burnt one of my journals! The worst part was what he said after that. He told me to wish for a quirk in my next life and jump off the roof. That stung.

He almost got his wish, too. When I did meet my favorite hero, All Might, he told me to give up on being a hero. He even left me with my shattered dreams on the top of this extremely high building. I almost gave Kacchan what he really wanted. But, I realized if I was going to do that I wanted to go out on my terms. So, that’s what I’m gonna do! I’ll become a hero in my own right.

See you guys in my next blog!

April 10

This is it. This will be my goodbye. I don’t know if anybody will read this but I did my best. I tried as hard as I could. And I realized the only way I can be a hero is to leave. I can sacrifice myself so others can live peacefully.  

I’ve accepted my fate. I’m not in pain anymore, I truly feel happy. I left a note for my mom on her nightstand. I’m sure she’ll see it when she gets home from one of her shifts. She may be really tired and not see it until the next day but maybe that’s for the best. I don’t want her to lose sleep over this. She works so hard.

This past week has been so peaceful. I didn’t have to force a smile. I’ve been looking forward to this night. Kacchan even left me alone all week too! He didn’t push me into my locker or yell at me once! I’m glad I had this last week. I never thought I could be so happy and at peace.

If anyone sees this, this is also my will (I left this in the note to my mom as well.) I want all my All Might merchandise to be left to my mom and she can do whatever she wants with them. The only thing is none of them can be thrown away, if she doesn’t want them I want her to donate them. All my hero notebooks I want to be given to Kacchan so he can become an even greater hero. If he doesn’t want them that’s okay, I gave him the most important pages already. Everything else I own my mom can do whatever she wants with them.

This feels surreal writing this post. It’s almost time! I thought I’d start getting nervous and jittery but I’m not. I’m completely calm. I’m happy to see this plan through. I picked my favorite beach not far from my house. I said before the beach is my happy place so I thought it made sense to also make it my final resting spot. I get to live my last moments where I’m happiest, who could ever ask for more?

Well I think I’ve rambled enough. I’m going to go be a great hero! I’m saving lives that don’t have to be ruined because of me. I’m finally happy. Goodbye world, I love you.

Go Beyond Plus Ultra!

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I can’t believe what I just finished reading. I feel my palms heat up with small explosions and in the back of my head I know I’m scorching the armrests on my chair. I couldn’t care less about that right now, Deku is going to kill himself? 

Did I really just read that?! When did he post this? 

My eyes dart to the timestamp and then to the actual time. It has been 20 minutes since it was posted. I am up and out of my seat before I can even think. I know exactly what beach Deku is talking about, I can get there in 10 minutes if I sprint. I pull on a hoodie and some sweatpants before grabbing my shoes and rushing out the door. Thankfully, the ‘rents are out on some stupid date so I don’t need to make an excuse to leave. 

My mind is racing endlessly. I never actually wanted Deku to kill himself! Yeah, okay! I know I fucked up that day that I told him to jump, but I wasn’t serious! I was just so sick of him trying to chase the stupid dream of being a hero; he’s quirkless for godsake! He was bound to get himself killed! And now I’m to find out he’s planning on doing that exact thing because he CAN’T be a hero? This has to be some sick joke! This can’t be fucking real!

I never hated you, you bastard! And this is NOT the fucking way to be a hero!

All the streetlights are brightly lit so I don’t have any trouble finding my way. I know exactly where I need to go. My legs and lungs are on fire from how fast I’m running. I know I need to reach Deku before he does something incredibly stupid! I barely look both ways before crossing the first street, mind solely on the task at hand; reaching him.  

I’m flying by houses, stores, streets, even people. I don’t notice any of them. I don’t even notice the burn in my body anymore. I just have two more turns and four more times crossing the road and then I finally reach that damn beach. It’s like I can taste the sea salt air on my tongue already!

How could I be so foolish? I actually thought you were happy this past week! I thought you finally accepted you couldn’t be a hero. I thought you found something new!

Before I realize it I’m turning down the final road. I can see the railing of the boardwalk! I can see the sand and dark sea beyond it! I made it! I just need to rush across the street and then I can find my Deku! I can finally save him!

All of a sudden I hear a loud screech, a horn honking, and bright lights blind me. I raise my hands to try and protect my eyes but then I hear a loud crash and glass shattering. I’m thrown into the air, my vision is all screwed up. I can’t tell what’s up and what’s down. Then, my vision goes black.

My entire body feels broken. I try opening my eyes but I can’t tell if I’m successful, I can’t see anything so I don’t think I am. I hear screams around me but I can’t distinguish what they’re saying. 

What happened? I can’t remember anything. 

All I feel is pain, everywhere. My head feels like it’s being split open. And my chest! Am I even breathing? I can’t tell. All I know is it’s like my chest is on fire and being stabbed a 100 times per second. I’m trying to take short breaths to see if that helps but still I can’t tell if I’m even taking a single breath. 

I try clearing my head because I know I was supposed to be doing something. What was it? I didn’t even care what happened to me anymore or why I was still in so much pain or what all that screaming and sirens were, I just needed to figure out what I had been doing! It was something important I’m sure of it!

Save Deku.

And suddenly, it all came back to me! I was trying to save Deku! I needed to save him, I still need to save him! I try moving and realize I can’t feel my legs anymore. That didn’t matter now! I could fucking crawl to Deku for all I care I just need to get to him! 

Why can’t I fucking move?! Why is my body betraying me like this? Move goddammit! Fucking move!

My eyes finally begin to open; I can see broken glass everywhere, police cars and ambulances with their lights flashing, I think I see someone in cuffs but they’re too far away. My vision starts to get fuzzy again. I try to fight it but I can’t, my eyes drift shut once more. 

This time I’m not feeling anymore pain. I just feel cold, utter and complete coldness. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. This is a much better feeling than all the pain I felt earlier. 

No! Don’t get comfortable! I need to fucking get up!

I continue to try and force my body to move but it’s just too hard. My mind is slipping and the coldness is getting colder. I just wanted to tell Deku that he was never useless! He was always a shining star. I just wanted to protect him. Why couldn’t I protect him? Why did I only ever hurt him? This is all my fault.

I know I’m dying. I was trying to ignore it. I wanted to believe I didn’t just get hit by a car but I did. My eyes squint open one last time and this time the only thing I see is the dark abyss of the beach in front of me. I can see the dark sand and even darker ocean. I wonder if he really did it? Did he really drown himself? I want to see him. Just one more time, I want to see him! I want to apologize!

Just please let him be safe. Let me die in his place. Let him be saved!

With my last breath I utter my final word, everything goes pitch black and the coldness takes over. “D-eku.”