Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you do not have time for the impudent knight's bullshit. Time seems to be a rather abstract concept while floating on a glorified pebble in the darkness of paradox space, but your internal clock is constantly set to "NOPE O' CLOCK". Case solved.

"But like, isn't one of your four square love triangles a hatemance thing? The kiss mess? kinetic sand? Karkalicious?" So delicious. No wait, only Terezi has that weird red fetish. Be Terezi?

>WHAT

Do you want to be Terezi?

>I GENUINLEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO SUCH AN ASININE QUESTION? DO I WANT TO BE TEREZI? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES? BITCH, PLEASE. I'M KARKALICOUS. LIKE CANDY. FUCKING ADORABLOODTH

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Your name is DAVE STRIDER and you have no idea what the fuck is happening. In fact, you are so fucking confused that your time god powers conveniently move the plot forward by ensuing a flashback to the morning but not really morning because you're on a fucking space rock.

Anyways so you wake up after sleeping because that's kind of how sleeping works, and do some pretty cool but also pretty irrelevant things to kill some time. Metaphorically, godamnit. After that you chill in can town, kind of. You are rudely interrupted by a gleeful Terezi dragging, yes literally dragging, a very angry Vriska. You're honestly kind of surprised Terezi has the physical strength to do that, but then again she was (is?) a murder-lawyer in training. They don't seem to notice you or the mayor, all of their focus is currently directed at the other. all of the focus. all of it.

"Terezi let me go!!!!!!!!"

"H3H3, YOU R34LLY SHOULD KNOW BY NOW TH4T 1 DON'T GO 34SY ON CRIMINALS! 4ND TH4T'S PYROP3 TO YOU, S3RK3T." huh, maybe she graduated murder-lawyer training. You don't know or actually care but the author does so now you do too because I said so. It's my story right now. Somewhere, Hussie weeps.

"N8!!!!!!!! I will call you whatever the fuck I want!!!!!!!! I du8 thee........ buttface." Vriska has clearly spent too much time with Karkat. The poor soul.

"TH3 CR1M1N4L 4DM1TS TO TH3 CR1M3 OF 4SS-K1SSING!" wait what. Vriska's whole face turns blue, and Terezi just laughs. A lot. Like, holy shit. Is she okay? "L3G1CL4C3R4TOR PYROPE F1NDS VR1SK4 S3RK3T GU1LTY OF 4LL CH4RG3S 4ND S3NT3NC3S H3R TO ON3 M1LL1ON SW33PS IN THE PR1SON OF C4N TOWN." Because Can Town has no prison (all cans are very law abiding), Terezi draws a circle in blue chalk and labels it 'CR1M1N4L PR1SON FOR CR1IM1NG CR1M1N4LS'. It is then that she notices you. "4H4H4, 4 W1TN3SS! C4R3 TO T3ST1FY MR. COOLK1D?" Vriska glares at you with all eight of her eyes, and you briefly consider indulging yourself in messing with the spider8itch before you remember that she could probably kill you, god tier or not.

"uh no thanks. I'm gay. good. I'm good." you decide to overanalyze that slip-up later. Your main problem now happens to be Vriska. All eight of her eyes glaring directly at you with murderous intent. Man, she is glaring at you with the intensity of someone who's date was interrupted by their love interest's kind of but not really ex. but in this case she and her scourge-not-biological-sister interrupted your chill time with the mayor. Which you are deciding to cut short due to whatever the shit said sisters are doing (fear for your life). You pat the mayor on the head and casually abscond. "peace."

"L4T3R COOLK1D!"

it is aproximatley eight seconds after you leave before you hear: "Ugh, I can't 8elieve you were flushed for that douche8ag!" Now this you have to hear. Ladies fucking love Dave Strider. Literally drooling at just a whiff of your cool hot bod. You position yourself for prime eavesdropping, tucked behind the wall parallel to Terezi, who is now nibbling on the chalk she used to establish 'CR1M1N4L PR1SON FOR CR1IM1NG CR1M1N4LS'. Damn, there go your plans for the Can Town history museum.

"H4, MY ON3 TRU3 R3D FLUSH 1S R3D 1TS3LF! THOUGH 1'M CONSIDERING C3RUL34N........ >; ]" you choke on your own spit and abscond for real this time.

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Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you cannot believe what you are hearing.

"SERIOUSLY? YOU EXPECT ME TO BELEIVE THAT THE SCOURGE SISTERS, THE TWO TROLLS OUT OF ALL THE WACKJOBS ON THIS METEOR WITH THE MOST CONVULTED RELATIONSHIP ARE FLUSH FLIRTING? I KNOW YOU THINK I'M DUMB, BUT THIS JUST MAKES YOU SOUND EVEN MORE MORONIC."

"Bro Terezi winked at Vriska using her mouth."

"THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE EVEN BY TEREZI STANDARDS. I ADVISE YOU PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR FAT ASS AND LOOK AROUND AT THE WORLD AROUND YOU, WHICH TEREZI CANNOT DO BECAUSE VRISKA BLINDED HER. YES I CAN VERY MUCH SEE WHY TEREZI WOULD WANT TO SMOOCH THE PERSON SHE ATTEMPTED TO KILL ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS."

"But like, isn't one of your four square love triangles a hatemance thing?"

"NO HATEMANCE ISN'T A WORD. AND THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF KISMESITUDE IS THAT YOU DON'T KILL YOUR KISMESIS. JEGUS, IF YOU WOULD JUST LISTEN TO MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T SOUND LIKE A NEWHATCHED WRIGGLER ALL THE TIME."

"haha, time, nice."

"STRIDER I AM GOING TO CULL YOU."

"No you're not. I know you want to know allllllll the details on Terezi's hatelove with Vriska."

"I HATE YOU."

"sure ya do."

Chapter Text

Your name is ROSE LALONDE and you cannot believe you are having this conversation with your vampire girlfriend. Under normal circumstances, you would find it absurd to think that vampire girlfriends were a reality outside of your own twisted mind. However, said vampire girlfriend could afford to be more... subtle with the whole vampire thing at the moment.

"Kanaya, I am aware that as a rainbow drinker you require sustenance from blood. I will not pretend to fully understand your relationship standards or feeding habits, it does strike me as odd for you to leave bite marks in rather... obvious places on certain past crushes."

"Obvious Bite Marks? Rose I Highly Doubt That Any Of The Others Would Notice The Location Of Your Bite Marks, And I Do Not Require More Sustenance Than What You Provide Each Perigee, I Thought We Had Discussed This."

"We did, and I am glad that we are able to discuss openly. However, discussing openly as matesprits, correct me if I am wrong, includes acknowledgements of other relationships."

"Why Do I Get The Feeling That This Is About Vriska?"

"Because it is."

"Godamnit Rose I Have Not Even Been Able To Peel Vriska Away From Terezi There is Literally No Conceivable Way I Could Have A Relationship With Her Even If I Wanted To Which I Do Not Because I Have A Lovely Somewhat Overbearing Matesprit With Me." She entwines her hand with yours, laughing softly. "I Am Amused And Touched By Your Concern But I Can Assure You That It Is Unfounded."

"Thank you. I'm glad to know this, but the bite marks on Vriska's... well, everywhere, really ought to be addressed."

She looks confused for a moment, and then stills. "I Fucking Knew It. Karkat Did Not Beleive Me, But I Was Right All Along."

"I'm afraid I require some clarification?"

"Oh That's Right You Don't Know Terezi That Well. If You Are Ever On The Receiving End Of Her Horrific Laughter It Is Made Rather Obvious." She traces her teeth with her hand, and stops once it reaches her fangs. "Terezi Has Many Rows Of Teeth Similar To That Of An Aquatic Bitebeast, And Uses Her Mouth And Nose To 'See' Her Surroundings, As Well As Vriska's...." She pauses. "Never Mind. I Think You Know What I'm Getting At."

"Yes, thank you Kanaya. Would you like to go alchemize more outfits and forget this conversation ever happened?"

"Very Much So."