Chapter Text
Sam’s skin felt like it was tingling as he bent his arms slowly, both of them propped one to each side of Ress’ body.
The light on the attic appeared somehow brighter, like he was looking at everything through a new lens, a different filter. Ress’ eyes seemed to be hungrily devouring his features, looking down at his lips, then back up at his eyes as Sam kept gravitating towards him, slowly flowing like a feather until his shirt was brushing the other guy’s chest.
“Is this okay?” Sam found himself asking, his mouth only a breath away from Ress’ plump lips.
“Sam, I don’t think there could be anything coming from you that would not be okay.”
Sam dropped onto a forearm and rolled to be on his side as his nose touched Ress’, their breaths mingling in a cloud of earthy flavors and herbal scents. As Sam’s lips finally touched the other boy’s, his remaining restraints evaporated, the soft touch and wooden taste of Ress’ mouth being everything that was right in the world.
Ress was so gentle, his right hand curling around Sam’s hair and sending shivers down his spine, while the other cupped his cheek, kissing him for a moment before he pushed him back only an inch.
“You taste like mint, and something else I can’t pinpoint,” Ress said against his lips.
He leaned back in for another kiss, and this time, his tongue ran the length of Sam’s bottom lip, making his body feel all warm and mushy. Ress scraped his teeth slowly against the delicate skin of Sam’s lips, the dainty whisper of a bite. He moved to kiss the corner of his mouth, then worked his way up to his cheek, his temple, and then back towards his neck.
“I-” Sam’s breath caught as Ress licked his neck, making his heart jump on his chest.
“Sorry,” Ress muttered, “I just love the way you taste.”
“I-” Sam tried again, the words catching in his throat, tears threatening to come to the surface. His skin felt alive with a thousand nerve ends, every emotion in his body magnified in a way that was scaring him.
“Hey,” Ress pulled back and looked at him in the eyes, his brows tucked in a concerned look. “What’s wrong? I can stop, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do anything that could make you uncomfortable.”
“No, no, it’s not that, it’s not your fault, I’m sorry, I just… I’ve never…”
“Come here,” Ress shuffled back, sitting with his back against the wall as he let Sam find a spot next to him. Ress’ arm rested almost casually around Sam’s shoulders. “Is this okay? Is this better?”
“Yeah, thanks,” Sam let his head rest against Ress’ chest as he spoke, thinking it might be easier to let it all out if he wasn’t looking at him. “I just… I’ve never… been with anybody, not like this,” he let the words fall out of his lips, let them float in the air, the taste of the truth so foreign to him. “I mean, I’ve kissed a few guys before, but it wasn’t like this. It never felt… right.” Ress’ thumb drew circles on his shoulder as he spoke, making it all even more daunting. “And the way this feels, the way everything feels right now, it’s almost... Frightening.”
I am Sam Cortland, and I shouldn’t be afraid of the way I feel , he tried to tell himself. But the truth was, he was terrified.
“You know, I try not to be afraid, not to… let emotions cloud my vision. But, no matter how much I tell myself not to be scared, the way I grew up… Being… Being myself has never been an option.”
Sam thought about the few guys he had been with before, hiding in a dark alley, sneaking into a dark brothel, being roughly kissed in the bathroom of a dodgy pub. It had never been like this, so open, so true, so caring… Even if they were hiding in an attic, it was still the most exposed Sam had felt in his whole life. Being raised by Arobynn, he had always known he had to show strength, he had to be a man, and what that meant for Arobynn, was not the same it meant for Sam. He had always felt so vulnerable: He hated fighting, hated everything that his life was, but it was the only life he knew, and he had never found a way out of it. Not one that meant he could leave in something other than a body bag.
And he had never opened up about his sexuality, not even to Celaena, the only person he trusted in this world. Or at least, the only one he had trusted before. He had Lysandra now, and she was an amazing friend, but he didn’t think he could tell her, not yet. He wasn’t ready to lose her.
“Sam, I know I was kind of joking when I said whatever happens in this attic, stays in this attic. I mean, fuck, it sounds too much like I’m talking about a stupid closet-analogy, and I hate those. But,” Ress rested his free hand on Sam’s tight, squeezing lightly as if trying to reassure him that everything was okay, “you have to do things in your own time. We all have different timing and feel comfortable with different things. I’ve been out for years, damn, I knew I was gay the minute I was born! And I never cared much about what people thought about me. My parents helped with that, I’m not going to lie, they were always really supportive, and that meant the world to me. So… this is me giving you my full support.”
Ress took a deep breath, making a pause as if to let the words sink into Sam’s mushy brain.
He turned to look at Sam before he kept talking, “If you want to go out to the world, make a party out of it, I’ll pour the drinks,” he stated with a huge grin. “But if you want to hide in this attic, and take your time to think about this, to learn who you are, who you want to be, I’m also here.” He dropped the grin, and let a small caring smile spread on his lips. “If you want, I’ll light up another joint and we’ll be stupid together, I’ll hug you, just like this,” he added squeezing his shoulders tighter in an almost brotherly way, “until you feel better. Or… Well... Not going to lie, I’ve kind of been into you since the day I first saw you, so whatever other plans you may have, I’m all in,” he winked, his smile spreading even wider and warming Sam’s insides.
Sam looked up at him, really looked, and his chest swelled with so many emotions that it was hard to keep them all in. “Thank you,” he managed to say, not too sure about how he had run into so many amazing people in the last few months. “I think… I think, for now, this is good,” he said. “Really good,” he added as the tingling in his skin felt more real than anything he had ever felt before. “And I may not be opposed to the idea of…”
He let his words trail off as he ran a hand through Ress’ long and messy blond hair. Leaning in, Sam kissed him again, a little harder this time, a little hungrier. He let his wants betray his needs as he tasted Ress’ lips, as he let his hand rest over his chest, tracing his ripped muscles there and allowing a thousand dirty thoughts to cloud his mind.
He wanted it, right there and then, he wanted to explore every inch of Ress’ body, forget about who he was, and who he was supposed to be. Knowing Ress accepted him just the way he was, it had opened up something inside of him, something that he hadn’t known was there. He was ready to forget about Arobynn, about Celaena and the guild, about the fighting, the stealing, the lying, forget about it all. He just wanted to be a boy kissing another boy in an attic, because there was no way he was ready to be himself out in the open yet. But maybe… Maybe being himself behind closed doors could be enough for the time being, it could be a step in the right direction, it could be a step into becoming the Sam he had always dreamed of.
“Sam,” Ress breathed his name against his earlobe in a way that made his skin burn. “You lead the way,” he whispered, “I’ll follow you. Right now, damn Cortland!” Ress sucked in a deep breath as Sam’s hand found its way under his shirt, caressing his abdomen, “right now, I’ll follow you to the end of the fucking world.”
Feeling euphoric, high on Ress’ confidence -and maybe something else-, Sam let it all go as he opened up his shirt, wanting to feel the warmth of Ress’ chest against his own.
If he was going to burn in hell, he was going to enjoy the ride.