Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was Akaashi’s second semester at Fukurodani and he realized he hadn’t really gotten the chance to “explore” the school. Since this dismissal wasn’t mandatory with some students staying on the campus to work on assignments together or just to harass faculty until they were kicked out, Akaashi took it upon himself to take a look around. Plus, he didn’t have volleyball practice for once.
He started off at his homeroom and began walking down the hallway in a direction he never had the need to go in, passing different classrooms with students he had only seen in passing or not at all. Most of them stayed focused on their projects or just stared but a few of them waved to the reserved boy, but he just continued on his adventure.
The classroom at the end of the hallway had all the lights off but Akaashi still peaked into the room just out of pure curiosity. Kind of looked like an art room. He was going to go in a little bit further until he heard familiar voices coming from the stairwell just to the left of the room.
“I can’t get him out of it this time! I don’t know what set him off. He won’t listen to me. I even offered him his fa- Keiji!” Akaashi flinched at the sound of his own name being yelled right behind him. His first instinct was to bow his head in the direction of the voice, not looking up to see who it came from.
He heard a laugh and then felt a rough hand ruffling his hair. “I appreciate the respect Keiji, but we already talked about that at practice. You don’t have to bow your head when you talk to us.” At that, Akaashi looked up. Ah, it was Konoha and Onaga. “I’m sure it’s already hard enough that you were the only first year to join the team.”
Onaga cleared his throat. “Were you trying to get Bokuto to come out, too? It’s not worth the struggle,” he sighed.
Akaashi cocked his head. “‘Come out’? What do you mean?”
At this, Konoha looked confused. “Well...that’s why you were in the art room, right?”
Akaashi’s cheeks turned pink. It wasn’t like he wasn't allowed to look around the school, he was just embarrassed by the fact that he had no good reason to be in that room other than for his own exploration purposes. “Uh… no I was just looking for a room to… work on my project?" He was so bad at lying but his upperclassmen seemed to buy it.
“Well,” Onaga started, “if you want this room, you’ll have to get the bear to come out of his little cave.” he said, snickering. Konoha rolled his eyes and walked back into the room, Onaga and Akaashi following, leading them both over to a desk in the furthest corner of the room. Akaashi was squinting less and less in the dim room the closer they got to the motionless blob sitting under the desk.
It was only when they stood right next to it, could Akaashi see the back of Bokuto’s head, his overgrown roots giving away that white was not his natural hair color.
“Koutarou, you have to come out. Come on. We can get some yakiniku if you come out now~,” Konoha paused, “and Onaga will do your math homework for a we- Ow!”
“We did not discuss that as an offer.”
Akaashi watched as the two fought over how to get the older boy out from under the desk for a few more moments before watching them both get up and head towards the exit.
“He didn’t even move. I’m not waiting anymore.”
“Kou, text us when you get home if you’re out of your mood. See you next week, Keiji,” Onaga said with a wave and with that, his teammates had left him alone with their captain who he had barely interacted with.
He squatted silently next to the broad second year that had somehow managed to stuff himself underneath a desk. It was foreign to Akaashi. He was so used to seeing a hyperactive, optimistic, ...loud teammate. Seeing an almost motionless lump underneath a desk was so far from the Bokuto he came to know.
“Bokuto-san?” Bokuto’s body tensed briefly. “He must’ve thought everyone left,” Akaashi thought. He sat next to the older boy, concerned that he made him uncomfortable, until he heard a sniffle.
Bokuto’s head had been facing the wall this entire time, his facial expressions hidden meaning no one actually knew what he was feeling. Akaashi finally noticed how Bokuto’s body was trembling, how his fingertips and knuckles were white from how harshly he was gripping onto his pants, how uneven his breathing was. If Akaashi didn’t know any better, he wouldn’t have picked up on the fact that Bokuto was having a panic attack.
Akaashi had never had to deal with someone having one before, he wasn’t even sure what triggered it, but he couldn’t leave now. He had to comfort his upperclassmen- no. His friend.
Before Akaashi could even realize what he was doing, his hand was rubbing circles on Bokuto’s hunched over upper back while quietly mumbling that “Everything will be okay”.
Bokuto tensed again at the first touch, but then slowly started to ease into it. He leaned out slightly from under the desk, a silent way of showing that he appreciated it and wanted Akaashi to continue.
After a few minutes, Bokuto’s shaking slowed, his grip loosened and the sniffles subsided.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” came out of Akaashi’s mouth before he could even stop himself. He barely knew anything about Bokuto outside of his academics or volleyball. Now here he was, trying to pry into his personal life.
Bokuto’s head lifted up and it was softly shaken back and forth before being rested back down against his knees.
“Are you sure?”
Bokuto slowly lifted his head up again, and this time turned to face Akaashi.
Bokuto’s eyes looked… empty? As if there wasn’t a single thought behind them, but they were still sparkling from old tears. His cheeks were flushed pink and he looked so innocent that Akaashi almost completely missed the thumb in his mouth.
Almost.

Chapter Text

Akaashi’s eyes widened and he couldn’t seem to look away. As soon as Bokuto noticed the thumb himself, he began to tear up again. He couldn’t believe he just exposed that he sucks his thumb to Akaashi of all people. At least he wasn’t making fun of him or laughing, but it was still terrifying. There were… many other things he could’ve exposed, but currently, this had to be the worst. He didn’t want to take his thumb out of his mouth because all of his composure would go along with it. All Bokuto could do was look at Akaashi teary-eyed and sniffling while continuing to suck his thumb, desperately grasping onto the small amount of comfort it was currently bringing him.
The raven haired boy was taken aback, confused as to why Bokuto wouldn’t take the thumb out of his mouth. Akaashi grimaced at the thought of how dirty Bokuto’s thumb must be, and Akaashi, once again, found himself reaching out on impulse.
“Hey, Bokuto-san,” he paused knowing that he now had a sentence to finish, “er- don’t suck that.” he stated, lightly pulling on Bokuto’s balled up hand. The golden eyed boy whimpered and shook his head “no” again, putting his thumb further into his mouth.
Akaashi pulled another face. All he wanted was for his upperclassmen to stop sucking his thumb. Not only was it unhealthy, but he thought it was a pretty reasonable request for a 17 year old to comply with.
“Bo, that’s yucky.” Akaashi said, finally pulling the thumb out of the older boy’s mouth. He watched as Bokuto’s lip began to quiver. The next thing Akaashi heard was a choked sob before realizing Bokuto was an absolute mess in front of him.
The white haired boy threw himself out from under the desk and face down into Akaashi’s lap, his cries muffled by the boy’s pants. Akaashi’s instinct was, again, to tell him that everything is okay and this time, pet his hair instead of his back.
It took a lot of reassurance from Akaashi to actually get Bokuto to finally calm down. At least he got him out from under the desk.
At some point during the breakdown however, Bokuto somehow managed to get his thumb back into his mouth. Akaashi rolled his eyes when he noticed and just left him as he was. If it meant his sobs subsided, then Akaashi would take anything.

It was strange for him to be able to actually get a good read on Bokuto’s thoughts and emotions. It was like he didn’t need to know what was wrong to know that his captain was really hurting. Again, he didn’t know what triggered it, but he could feel pain through each of Bokuto’s sniffles, as dumb as that sounded.
Akaashi was reserved. He lacked empathy. How did connecting to this one person feel so normal for him? He didn’t know Bokuto like that.

Bokuto eventually turned his head to the side after a while of Akaashi just stroking his hair. He looked like he wanted to say something but his brows were knit together with a mix of what looked like confusion and frustration… maybe focus, too.
“Bokuto-san?” This whole situation was weird to Akaashi but all the while, he felt like he was supposed to be there. Like Bokuto needed him and only him. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how stupid it sounded.
Bokuto whimpered a little bit more before Akaashi noticed his eyes looked more aware than they had been when Akaashi had previously looked at them. The white haired boy slowly removed his thumb from his mouth and sat up from the curled up position he had been in for what had felt like an hour to Akaashi.
Sitting up fully made Bokuto hit his head off the desk he had taken shelter under earlier. Akaashi was sure it’d result in more tears, maybe even a scream, but the only outcome was his senpai loudly saying “Ow” and rubbing the back of his head.
It seemed like Bokuto was trying to build up confidence to say something, anything, to Akaashi. They both sat there in somewhat uncomfortable silence because Bokuto was clearly not in the same mindset he had just been in for the past who knows how long. How long has it been? Akaashi pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned on the screen just to check the time and noticed there were three missed calls from his mother along with ten text messages. Not to mention, it was almost 5:00pm.
“Shit.” Akaashi cursed under his breath. He’d have to call his mom back as soon as he got out of here. He knew his mother knew he was a good enough kid to stay out of trouble and that she just wanted to know where he was, but there was still an obvious reason to worry.
The older boy peaked over and saw what Akaashi’s screen looked like before the younger boy turned off his screen and slid the phone back into his pocket.
His hair animatedly deflated a bit more before mumbling out a soft “I’m sorry”, so soft Akaashi almost didn’t pick up on it, so he chose to ignore it. He could tell Bokuto was still upset, but he needed to get home soon before his mother freaked out even more.
“Bokuto-san, do you want to come over to my house for dinner tonight? I’m sure my mom won’t mind. It’s usually just us anyway.”
Bokuto looked up, surprised, seeming to be snapped out of whatever trance he was in by the mention of food. Maybe he didn’t need to come over anymo-
“Yeah! Let me just call one of my sisters really quick. It’s easier to go through them than trying to text my mom,” he said, jumping up from the floor and pulling his phone out of his bag. His energy was back, almost like a switch was flipped by just the mention of food.
Akaashi watched as he dialed up one of his sisters and regret almost everything that had just happened. Bokuto was loud and Akaashi hated loud. He could manage it in small amounts but the energy his upperclassman emitted, he was sure would be too much for him in a one-on-one situation. However, he texted his mom quickly just to inform her that he was still at school and that he’d be bringing a classmate home.
He turned back to see Bokuto pouting on the phone, clearly getting upset by whatever his sister was telling him. “Please stay calm, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi didn’t think he could handle another breakdown. A few moments later however, the older boy’s expression did a complete 180, which most likely meant he was allowed to come over on some type of conditio-
“Here! This is him!” Bokuto yelled excitedly through the phone before shoving the phone next to Akaashi’s ear, expecting him to talk to his sister.
“Um… H-hello?”
“Yeah, hey. So I heard you want my brother to come over for dinner. You’re that quiet setter on his volleyball team, right? He doesn’t really seem like your type, kid. Are you sure you want him to come over?”
Akaashi blushed. ‘Your type’. It rang in his head. No one knew he was gay, but it was still such a nice feeling to be around someone that apparently found it to be normal. Maybe Bokuto was gay, too. He looked up at the white haired boy, towering above him since he was still sitting on the floor next to the desk, eyes practically shimmering at him. He was pretty handsome, but yeah, she was right. Not his type.
“Hello?”
“Oh uh yeah. Sorry. He can come over.” the woman on the other end of the phone let out a hearty laugh. Definitely Bokuto’s sister.
“Okay, kid. ‘Akaashi’, I think is what Kou said,” she mumbled, “but if you hurt my baby brother, just know I will not hesitate to-”
“Did she say yes?” Bokuto questioned excitedly, pulling the phone out of Akaashi’s grasp. Akaashi slowly nodded as he heard muffled threats coming through Bokuto’s phone. “Okay! Then let’s get going!” he pulled the phone up to his own ear, clearly not listening to what his sister was yelling, “Love you, sis! Thanks for telling mom! See you later!” hanging up on her in the middle of her rant. He turned and smiled at the boy on the floor, extending a hand to help him up from the floor, which Akaashi hesitantly accepted, except Bokuto didn’t let go when Akaashi was standing.
The quiet boy blushed and stared at their hands as Bokuto nonchalantly intertwined their fingers together, only looking up to see Bokuto beaming at him. “Lead the way, ‘Kaashi!”
Akaashi smiled at the nickname and began to make his way out of the classroom, leading Bokuto out of the main entrance to the school.
The walk home took about twenty minutes. That was plenty of time to have a conversation with Bokuto about anything he wanted to.
“Bokuto-san?”
The response he received was an enthusiastic “Hmm?”
“I need to ask you about something.”
Bokuto swung their hands back and forth and almost seemed like he was skipping as they continued the journey to Akaashi’s house.
“What’s that?” he questioned, jumping over the cracks in the sidewalk, making sure not to step on a single one. “cute,” Akaashi thought, but shook his head knowing he needed to actually talk to Bokuto.
He took a deep breath and sighed it out. He wasn’t exactly sure how compliant Bokuto would be, but he was hoping for the best. “About what just happened in there. With you sucking your thumb.”
Akaashi’s body came to a halt, along with Bokuto’s who had stopped dead in his tracks a few steps behind him. Bokuto let go of Akaashi’s hand and could only look down, as if he was embarrassed. Akaashi knew why he’d be embarrassed but he didn’t stop doing whatever it was when Akaashi was there, so it couldn’t have been that bad, right? That was, until he heard Bokuto start to sniffle again. Akaashi was about to say something else, but the older boy beat him to it.
“Do we have to?” he said, looking up from the sidewalk, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Akaashi nodded. “Okay. I’ll talk to you about it, but can it wait ‘til we get to your house after we eat?”
Akaashi sighed, but knew Bokuto wouldn’t comply any other way. “Sure, Bokuto-san.” And with that, they continued on their, now silent, walk to Akaashi’s home.

Chapter Text

The two quietly walked through the gate, following the pathway leading up to the front door. Akaashi turned to the older boy who still looked just as upset as when Akaashi asked him the question when their walk first began.
It had been so awkward. Whenever Akaashi thought about trying to talk to Bokuto to break the tension before arriving at his house, his mind would go blank. He could never come up with a topic to talk to the other about without his mind slipping back into what had just happened inside of that school building. He decided on just using the silence to come up with questions that hopefully weren't too personal but still got Akaashi the answers that he needed.
As soon as they walked through the front entrance of the house, they were met with the smell of freshly cooked meat. Bokuto’s deflated expression quickly turned around and he was back to his energetic optimistic self. Akaashi remembered that food usually does make the older boy snap out of whatever mood he tended to be in.
“It smells so good in here.” he said, hastily taking the shoes off his feet. Akaashi could see the drool threatening to slip out of the corner of his mouth.
“Oh. There you two are. It’s nice to meet you,” she paused. “Bokuto, right?”
Bokuto’s smile stretched from ear to ear. “Yep! That’s me! Thank you for having me tonight, Ms. Akaashi!”
At first, the woman was taken aback by how the other boy’s personality differed from her son’s demeanor. Her son was quite introverted and awkward- she didn’t even know if he had friends, let alone friends like… this. It was a surprise, and a pleasant one at that. Whoever this kid was, she already liked him. Her face broke out into a smile. “It’s my pleasure. I do have to go into work fairly soon or else I’d be eating with you. I was scared you boys wouldn’t be back in time to eat while the food was still hot. Go help yourselves and you can take your plates up to Keiji’s room.”
Bokuto wasted no time following his nose to the smell of the delicious meat, his mind completely forgetting about why he was even at Akaashi’s in the first place. Bokuto loaded his plate right up while Akaashi stood behind him in the doorway.
He was gonna have to talk to him about it. Well, he didn’t have to, but he wanted to, maybe even needed to to see if he could help in case it happened again. He grabbed a plate and sighed. Bokuto was actually drooling this time, just staring at the food on his plate. Akaashi fixed his own and he led Bokuto up the stairs to his room.
They got inside, sat down, said thanks for their meals, and began to dig in. Akaashi had taken significantly less food than the white haired boy had, but they both still had pretty large portions. Bokuto hadn’t looked up from his food since he had started eating, while Akaashi seemed to not be able to take his eyes off of him. He acted so strange earlier and now he was just, back to normal?
The younger boy waited until Bokuto was a little over halfway done with his meal, just in case the topic they talked about would ruin his appetite from anxiety. Even Akaashi was nervous and this wasn’t even about him.
He cleared his throat. “Erm, so…” Bokuto looked up from his food for the first time, his right cheek distended from how much he had in his mouth and his face a mess. Akaashi smiled at him. He looked so childlike and happy just eating the food his mom had made, he felt bad taking that away from him but he really needed answers. “You agreed that we would talk about this and I’d like to start talking about it now because I don’t know how long this is going to take.”
There it was. Bokuto’s hair deflating again. His chewing slowed down and his eyes drifted back down to the plate. There was a long pause before Akaashi heard a small “Now?” along with the golden brown eyes looking back into his own blue ones. Akaashi nodded solemnly.
The older boy set down his chopsticks to signal that he was done with his food and posture worsened as he hunched over, almost as if he was trying to make himself smaller. “Okay… just say it then.” he said, voice cracking.
Akaashi panicked. He expected tears, but not this soon and what was he talking about, “just say it then”? Was there something specific he was supposed to say? “Bokuto-san, I’m not sure what you mea-”
“Just make fun of me. Laugh at me. Call me a freak! That’s what people that don’t know what it is do. They don’t care or want to listen.” Bokuto was full on sobbing now. Akaashi wasn’t sure how to approach this. He had zero intention of upsetting, let alone making fun of his upperclassman… was that how he came off?
“Bokuto-san, please calm down. I’m not going to make fun of you. I just wanna know what happened earlier. I won’t judge you.”
Bokuto sniffled. “That’s what my last best friend said.” Akaashi, once again, was caught off guard. He’s told other people and it didn’t go well? Now Akaashi was really nervous about what the crying boy in his room had to say.
Bokuto looked up at Akaashi, wiping some snot off into his sleeve which made the younger boy grimace in disgust. “Promise?” his eyes looked soft and trusting as if he could forget about whatever happened to him in the past and give Akaashi that second chance he hadn’t given anyone else yet.
Akaashi took Bokuto’s hands into his own. “I promise, Koutarou.”
Bokuto smiled softly before taking in a deep breath and letting out a bit of an exaggerated sigh. “It’s called…” finishing off his sentence with an inaudible mumble before smiling proudly at the fact that he had just admitted it to his new friend.
Akaashi cocked his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t quite catch that.” Bokuto looked discouraged at that response even though he knew he wasn’t going to get away with saying it like that.
“It’s called…” he took another deep breath, “little space.” he finished, exhaling.
Akaashi stared at the white haired boy curiously. “‘Little space’?” he repeated, making Bokuto’s cheeks turn a bright shade of pink from embarrassment.
“Y-yeah… I don’t like talking about it so I’ll just answer the questions you ask.” he said, squeezing Akaashi’s hands that he still hadn’t let go of.
Akaashi had never heard of “little space” so he didn’t even know where to start. All his previous questions had somehow completely vanished from his mind. He didn’t know what answer he was expecting from any of the questions he asked, but it definitely wasn’t something like this. “I-...erm.” he thought about his words carefully, remembering to respect his friend knowing how sensitive of a topic this was for him, but at the same time, he wanted to learn everything about it. “I’ve never heard of it before, ‘little space’,” Bokuto blushed again, “Do you think you could kinda explain it to me a bit more… or at least how it works for you?”
Bokuto’s eyes lit up as if Akaashi had opened up a whole new side of him that had been hidden all this time.
Bokuto took a big breath to wind up for his explanation to Akaashi.
Maybe he didn’t hate talking about it, afterall.

Chapter Text

“So…” Bokuto started off, “little space is a mindset I go into when I’m stressed out or upset and sometimes angry! Sometimes I make it happen! ...But sometimes it happens on accident…” he let go of Akaashi’s hands and looked down at his lap.
“Like earlier when we were at school?” the black haired boy questioned, receiving a nod in response.
“Yeah... like at school.” There was a long pause as if he was trying to figure out where to go with it next. “It’s...hmm.” his face distorted into a look of concentration, “hard for me to stay out of it when I’m talkin’ ‘bout it but I promise, I’m tryin’!” he said, shaking his head as if he were “shaking” himself out of it.
Akaashi got a little nervous. He was just learning about it so to have Bokuto “stay out of it” was what he needed right now before he could take on whatever the older boy was trying to explain. “Just try to stay focused Bokuto-san.” Akaashi said in somewhat of a firm, but understanding tone.
Bokuto gave a quick nod before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He sat in silence with his eyes closed for a few moments before letting out a laugh. It came straight from his chest and was so loud that Akaashi got the urge to cover his ears. “Y’know, ‘Kaashi?” he laughed again, “I don’t think I’ve ever slipped into it as easily as I have around you. I feel kinda stupid saying this, but you really make me feel safe in a way, I guess.” he said, finishing the statement with a smile.
Akaashi was frozen in disbelief. He had never had someone tell him that he made them “feel safe”. He didn’t know how to process it. A couple hours ago, Bokuto-san was his teammate that he barely knew off the court, and now, here that same boy was, telling him that he saw him as someone he found comfort in.
“I think I’m pretty out of it now, so I’ll keep going.” the energetic boy said, smiling. “Little space is different for a lot of people, but for me,” he paused and bit his lip, “it serves as a coping mechanism in response to those emotions. I don’t really wanna talk about what I went through and I hope you can respect that.” Akaashi snapped out of it and nodded quickly as if to tell Bokuto to continue. “Basically, my head gets fuzzy and I feel like a little kid again. It’s referred to as ‘slipping’. I never really understood it but it started happening when I was around eleven and I didn’t find out what it was called, or even really what it actually was until I was about fifteen. The mindset you go into is called a ‘headspace’, so it’d be like…’slipping into headspace’. Some people know how old they are in that headspace, and some don’t. Oth-”
“Do you know how old you are when you slip into it?” Akaashi blurted out before slapping a hand over his mouth. He didn’t mean to show how interested he was in this, especially since he had never heard of it before, but Bokuto was going so fast and was just giving generic responses he could look up online later. He wanted to learn about Bokuto’s specific case so he could be more accustomed to it. Wait. Did he want to be accustomed to this? Was this even normal? Why did he want to be a part of it? Wait, he was waiting for Bokuto’s response to his question.
Bokuto blushed. “It depends, kinda. On whether or not I put myself in it to help, or if I fall into it on accident.” Bokuto broke eye contact with Akaashi and looked down in embarrassment, for probably the sixth time tonight. “Earlier I was around two. I usually stick around two to four, sometimes I’m older… sometimes younger, but that’s when I don’t like it and ‘s too scary.” he said, his speech starting to slur towards the end like it had earlier when he “shook” himself out of it.
“Bokuto-san…?” the younger boy said, realizing that Bokuto didn’t seem to notice it was happening. Bokuto’s eyes looked like they were pleading for Akaashi to help him. He really was fighting this but clearly losing. “Bokuto-san, deep breaths. I still don’t know much about this so I need you to tell me more before you let it happen again, please.” Bokuto’s breathing picked up and his eyes welled with tears. “...Shit.” Akaashi understood the gist of it but he really wanted to ask Bokuto some questions that could help him, like what to do when he starts crying, like he is now.
It wasn’t full blown sobs like earlier, these cries sounded more frustrated and desperate. Akaashi couldn’t do much else than comfort him, so he wrapped his arms around the wider boy. The position was awkward to say the least, with both of them sitting on their knees, but Bokuto fell into the hug, resting his head on Akaashi’s shoulder left to cry out his frustrations. Akaashi just mimicked what he did back at the school as that seemed to work last time, what he wasn’t expecting though, was Bokuto to pull out from the hug. He was still audibly crying, but he slid his feet out from under his butt and scooted towards Akaashi. The younger boy watched him curiously as he seemed to move with a purpose. It wasn’t until he lifted himself off the ground that Akaashi realized the white haired boy’s goal was to sit in his lap.
Bokuto plopped himself down on Akaashi’s lap and wrapped his right arm around the smaller boy’s neck, resting his head on his right shoulder, facing away from the boy. He shifted a bit trying to get as comfortable as he could and the final touch was popping his left thumb into his mouth. He did this all while still crying and Akaashi was a bit amazed by the multitasking that just took place. Bokuto was so determined to get into his lap, it would’ve made Akaashi laugh had the boy not been in tears the whole time.
Then there was that nasty thumb. Bokuto seemed to have a thing for it. “We should get you a pacifier so you stop doing that.”
Bokuto looked up at Akaashi, tears stalled and his eyes wide and sparkling.
“Did I say that out loud?” he questioned, blushing, receiving a nod from Bokuto which caught him off guard. “You understand when I’m talking to you?”
At that, Bokuto scowled and scrunched his nose. He might’ve been crying, sucking his thumb and sitting in Akaashi’s lap, but he was not stupid. He huffed and rested his head back down on Akaashi’s shoulder, this time facing his neck and switching to suck his right thumb so his body could be pressed into Akaashi’s as much as possible.
The raven haired boy smiled before rubbing Bokuto’s back again while the little sniffled. This should be weird to him. He should be disgusted- or at least more confused. Why was he so accepting? Why did holding his upperclassman feel so natural to him? He wanted Bokuto to stay in his arms forever. Akaashi found himself slowly rocking back and forth, holding onto the other boy, almost protectively as if someone was coming to take him away.
After about ten minutes, Akaashi didn’t hear anymore sniffling and Bokuto’s breathing seemed to have evened out. The younger boy pulled his head away to check and see if Bokuto was sleeping, only to be met with a pathetic whimper due to the movement along with Bokuto shifting around again to get in a more comfortable position again.
“Oh. I’m so sorry.” Akaashi said smiling. If he was gonna have anything to do with Bokuto like this, he knew he was gonna be a handful. “Bokuto-sa-” should he even call him that when he’s like this? “Bokuto.” he was met with more whines. “If you want to go to sleep, we need to take you home.” Bokuto’s head shot up quickly at the mention of “home” and he shook his head quickly. “No?”
Bokuto nodded in response and laid his head back down, getting his way. Akaashi sighed.
“You didn’t bring any clothes to sleep over and you didn’t even ask your sister and I know my mom would be okay with it bu-” Bokuto cut him off with yet another whine. There was silence for a few seconds between the two. “Fine… but I can’t carry you to the bed so you have to,” Akaashi paused, “be a big boy and get up for me and move to the bed.” Bokuto’s head shot up, along with his body and he jumped straight into the middle of Akaashi’s bed on his back, letting out a giggle that sounded so small it was almost as if it came from an actual child.
Akaashi smirked as he watched his friend squirm to get comfortable under the covers and press himself up against the wall.
Akaashi took his time getting ready for bed. It was only 8:00 pm and he doesn’t usually go to bed until after 2:00 am, but it looked like he was changing that up tonight. He changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, used the bathroom, his typical nighttime routine and finished it off with texting his mom letting her know his friend would be staying the night. All of this took around twenty minutes and by the time he got back to the bedroom, Bokuto was knocked out cold. He was hugging Akaashi’s blanket like his life depended on it and that’s when the younger boy took into account that he probably has an item he uses for comfort just like a kid does. That’s all Bokuto is right now. A little kid.
Akaashi looked at the boy’s backpack and considered going through it to see if there might be something in there to help. After a few moments of thinking, he decided against it coming to the conclusion that going through his friend’s personal belongings, especially without permission, was crossing a line. Instead he just shuffled into the bed next to the broad boy and closed his eyes.
It only took a minute or two for Bokuto to realize Akaashi had gotten into bed next to him, and the next thing they both knew, the older boy was under Akaashi’s left arm, his head resting on the other boy’s chest, still sucking his thumb.
They both sighed in contentment, both a bit worn out from the day.
It was so peaceful now and Akaashi could only hope that it stayed that way the rest of the night.
He really could only hope.

Chapter Text

It was so hot outside which meant it was even hotter in his room. Akaashi couldn’t seem to find any way to get cool other than sprawling out on his floor entirely naked. He had his right cheek squished into the hardwood floor and a cold water bottle next to him, the condensation from the outside pooling below it. Every few minutes, he would move to a different spot in his room and spread out there for a new cool spot. He let out occasional groans in distress just from how exhausting the heat was. He was so focused on evening out his breathing that he didn’t hear the footsteps coming up the stairs and it was a little too late when he heard his door being opened.
“Hey! Do you know how to knock?” he yelled, jumping to his feet and grabbing the thing nearest to him to cover himself, which happened to be his bed sheet. He turned around to face who he thought would be his mother, but was met with the face of Bokuto.
He was standing there in just as much shock as the other boy was.
After standing there in awkward silence for what seemed like forever, Bokuto broke through it with a cough, following it by looking up at the ceiling. “I-I’m sorry, Kaashi. Your mom just said to come up since you were home.” He shuffled his foot against the floor and tried his hardest not to make eye contact. Akaashi also looked away from the older boy entirely.
He was still holding the blanket against himself and standing there, turning into a puddle not only from the heat radiating in his room, but now from the added embarrassment and awkward tension. When he did finally look up, Bokuto was... shirtless? Did he come in like that? His abs were so defined even though he wasn’t flexing them it seemed almost unreal. His arms were so nice, too. How long did it take him to tone his body like that? Akaashi shook his head. “Snap out of it, Keiji.”
“Uh, what was that?” Akaashi’s head snapped up at the sound of his upperclassman’s voice. “I should leave so you can get changed, probably… right?” Bokuto asked, already turning and leaving the room. “I’ll just be right ou-”
“No!”
“Her- what?” the white haired boy turned around, questioning Akaashi.
Akaashi gulped. “D-don’t,” he hesitated. “Don’t leave, Bokuto-san.” He began walking closer to his teammate, confidence taking over his body and making him move without thinking, or maybe it was the heat making him delusional. Bokuto looked confused, but he still stayed. “I l-”

Akaashi woke up. “A dream,” he sighed. He rolled over to his left side from his back to check the clock next to his bed. Three in the morning, usually around the time when he was going to bed. He almost forgot why he went to bed so early until he heard a whimper behind him. Bokuto came over. That whole thing happened at school. That wasn’t a dream. Akaashi turned to face the older boy in his bed only to be met with the sight of him curled up in a ball crying into his knees in the upper corner of his bed. The black haired boy rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “Boku-” he shifted in the bed and that’s when he felt what Bokuto must’ve been crying about. “Oh. Did you wet the bed?” he asked as if it was a completely normal occurrence.
Bokuto’s head picked up from his knees, revealing his thumb was in his mouth once again, to let out a loud wail. He was crying so hard over wetting himself in someone else’s bed and Akaashi didn’t seem even the slightest bit upset. He just needed the older boy to get off the bed to wash his sheets and make sure it didn’t seep into the mattress.
“Bokuto, it’s okay. I’m not upset with you.” He said, slowly getting off the bed. “Accidents happen. I should’ve made you go to the bathroom before bed. I just need you to get off the bed so I can wash the sheets and we can both shower. You can go first while I clean up the bed.” The younger boy was grateful with how healthy Bokuto’s diet must’ve been since it didn’t smell as bad as it could’ve, but he still wanted to clean it up as soon as possible.
Bokuto’s cries came to a halt. Akaashi wasn’t mad? He shook his head and stared at the younger boy waiting patiently at the side of the bed for him to get off.
“I’m sorry…” Bokuto said clearly before sniffling the last of his tears away. I’ll take care of your bed. Go shower. My piss is all over you.” He stated, pointing to Akaashi’s soaked boxers and t-shirt.
Akaashi had assumed the older boy was in his “little space” but that was not the case. Now he felt more embarrassed over this whole situation than he thinks Bokuto did (which wasn’t true). He looked down at his clothes and nodded. “Okay, but when I come out, we’re talking about this.” he said, walking to the bathroom without another word.
Bokuto sighed. It was only fair as he just pissed the bed as a 17 year old. He started stripping the bed only to realize he didn’t know where Akaashi’s laundry room was.
Taking care of wet sheets that weren’t his own along with knowing that he'd have to once again talk about little space with Akaashi, made tears pool up in his eyes. He quickly wiped them away with his forearm before continuing to pull the sheets off the bed.

Bokuto wasn’t exactly sure where the younger boy’s laundry room was but he peeked around Akaashi’s door frame before walking out with the bundle of damp sheets.
As he made his way down the hall and back down the stairs, he looked in the kitchen. No luck. “It must be in the bathroom down here.”
After opening what felt like twenty doors (even though it was only six) to be met with closets or different rooms, Bokuto finally found a bathroom. How had he not noticed how big Akaashi’s house was before?
Upon finding the bathroom, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in when his eyes landed on the machines he had been searching for over the past few minutes.
Bokuto put the sheets in the washing machine so he’d be ready to start it after his shower was done.
He started making his way up the stairs again and finally realized how uncomfortable his boxers felt rubbing against his thighs. He cringed as he started to peel them off his body. “This is so gross. I can’t believe I let this happen.” he mumbled to himself.
The tall boy made his way across Akaashi’s room to stand in the corner and wait for the younger boy to finish with his shower. It looked similar to how a child would stand in a corner when they were in time out. Bokuto eyed his backpack from across the room and sighed, wiping another tear that had slipped out of his eye. He felt so sensitive and vulnerable tonight. He hoped he could go back to sleep soon and wake up pretending like this never even happened.
He didn’t want to sit down anywhere covered in his own urine and it’d help make sure he stayed awake.

Akaashi took his time in the shower. He slowly peeled off his soaked clothing with just his fingertips and put them in the bathroom sink. Sighing, he grabbed the shower-head and began spraying down his lower half first. He could feel the stickiness wash right off of him with just the hot water and it was so nice to finally feel clean again.
He wasn’t even close to being mad at Bokuto which confused even himself. This kid that’s never been over to his house before, that he just consoled for hours, pissed all over him and his bed, he should be livid… but he just can’t bring himself to be. Bokuto looked like a kicked puppy when Akaashi finally noticed what had happened. It was just an accident, after-all.
Akaashi turned off the water to pick up the soap and wash his body after he finally coated himself in water. It felt so nice to be clean again. He turned the water back on and rinsed himself off.
Grabbing a towel, he quickly dried off and wrapped it around his waist. He laid out another towel for Bokuto on the toilet seat and opened the bathroom door to his room, releasing the steam trapped behind the door from his hot shower.
“Bokuto-san?” No answer. “The shower is free.” He said upon reentering his room.
Next thing Akaashi knew, he was on his back with his house guest on top of him.
“I’m so so so sorry Akaashi! Please promise we’ll never talk about this again! No one can know that this happened! I don’t even wet the bed! It was just my… my sweat! Yeah. Sweat.”
Akaashi could only cough as Bokuto blubbered out his apology… excuse? The fall knocked the wind out of him.
“I do still think I should shower though… even though it is only sweat!” and with that, the older boy stumbled off of Akaashi and made his way into the bathroom quickly.
Akaashi was still a bit winded from the fall, but he couldn’t help but smile. That kid was really something else.
He sat up and looked around his room, his eyes landing on a soggy clothing item balled up on the floor in the corner of his room. He sighed and shook his head until he realized the Bokuto just pounced on top of him completely naked. There was so much innocence in what he had been saying that Akaashi hadn’t even noticed his teammate was naked and on top of him, with just the towel around the raven haired boy’s waist separating them.
A blush spread across his face and he could feel butterflies in his stomach. But why? He did not like Bokuto that way. He couldn’t like someone that was a complete polar opposite. Relationships like that didn’t work. He didn’t even know if Bokuto liked guys.
Akaashi shook his head to knock himself out of the fantasy and slowly got up from the floor.
He walked over to the underwear on the floor and cringed. He picked them up with the tips of his fingernails, revealing the small puddle they left behind. “Yeah, Bokuto-san, ‘sweat’.” He brought them to the washing machine downstairs with the rest of the pee-soaked items. He’d have to remember to grab his stuff from the bathroom after Bokuto was done with his shower.
The 16 year old made his way back into his bedroom and he grabbed his phone off his nightstand, checking the time. It was about twenty minutes until four in the morning. He rubbed his free hand over his face as he felt a wave of exhaustion hit him.
He set his phone back down and finished drying himself off then walked over to the pee puddle in the corner and wiped it up with his towel.
The boy grabbed a pair of boxers out of his dresser and put them on before going back downstairs to put the towel in the washing machine with everything else. “Maybe I should see if Bokuto has extra clothes in the backpack he brought.” he thought aloud, making his way back up the stairs.
He was pretty sure the older boy wouldn’t have spare clothes in there and staring at the boy’s bright yellow bag made him hesitant to open it because he had always been taught to not go through other peoples’ things. This was under different circumstances, though.
Akaashi made his way over to the boy’s bag and slowly unzipped the smaller pocket in the front, as if anything would be in there other than pencils and pens. He zipped it back up and went to the second largest spot in the bag and upon looking inside, Akaashi’s jaw dropped.

Chapter Text

Akaashi made his way over to the boy’s bag and slowly unzipped the smaller pocket in the front, as if anything would be in there other than pencils and pens. He zipped it back up and went to the second largest spot in the bag and upon looking inside, Akaashi’s jaw dropped.

Not only was he greeted with the sight of a pale yellow pacifier in a small plastic sandwich bag, but also baby wipes… and a pull-up.
Bokuto pouncing on him earlier to tell him it was “just sweat” was gaining even more evidence that certainly proved it to be false.
Akaashi couldn’t believe it. He still didn’t know much about littles or little space obviously, but why would Bokuto leave out that he had a pacifier or a pull-up in his bag? That seems like it was important enough that it should’ve been discussed earlier, especially since Akaashi had even brought up using a pacifier instead of his thumb.
He decided to take the pull-up and pacifier out of the bag and put them on the bed along with some of his own clothes for Bokuto to borrow. He grabbed fresh sheets from his closet and remade his bed, thankfully none of the urine had seeped through to his mattress. “Absorbent sheets.” he mumbled to himself. Next was to get dressed. He pulled up a fresh pair of boxers and put on a loose fitting white t-shirt and lastly proceeded to clean up the puddle on the floor with tissues he had in his room since it was pretty small.
The raven haired boy sighed as he stood up from the ground. Now all that was left was to wait for Bokuto to finish showering so they could talk… again, but for now, Akaashi decided to think about why he was so unphased by everything that had happened to him in the past 12 hours.

Bokuto took a full shower. Washed his body, his face and even his hair, contentedly humming a song that had been stuck in his head for a few days. With him telling Akaashi it was just sweat, the conversation was completely avoided, nothing to stress about anymore. His fuzziness was also completely gone. Who knew how much a shower would actually help him snap out of it?
He stepped out of the shower and shook his head, his attempt of a “quick air dry” which never worked but he thought someday maybe it would. He quickly dried off his body with the towel Akaashi had left for him and wrapped it around his waist as he made his way down the hall back to his underclassman’s bedroom.

“Yeah, so I really am sorry,” he started before he even reached the other boy’s door. He knew he was talking loud enough for the younger to hear him. “I just sweat so much and I-” he was cut off by his own action of opening the door to see Akaashi sitting on the bed, but that wasn’t what made him stop speaking.
It was the sight of his pacifier and a pull-up set next to Akaashi.
Tears welled in the older boy’s eyes for what felt like the twentieth time. “No.” he shakily croaked out.
Akaashi just sighed. “I’m not entertaining your tears this time.” he said blankly. “I think I’ve shown you that I don’t have any weird hatred towards this ‘little’ stuff so I want to know why you didn’t tell me about this stuff in your bag.”
Bokuto whimpered and continued to stand in the doorway. He was still pretty wet and was leaving yet another puddle on the floor, however this one wasn’t as big of a deal in terms of cleaning up.
There was a long pause as Akaashi waited for an answer that Bokuto couldn’t seem to deliver. He didn’t have a good enough answer for that question. “I just-” he stopped himself before looking down at the floor, a tear mixing with the pre-existing puddle. “It’s a less socially acceptable part of little space…” he paused, “I shouldn’t be sucking on a pacifier or wearing a pull-up at 17 and that’s that.” he ended, sounding frustrated.
Akaashi softened. He figured it was an embarrassment type of reasoning, but Bokuto could’ve at least said something about the pacifier. “I get that you’re upset over this but do you understand that if you had told me about this,” the younger boy said, gesturing to the pull-up, “we could’ve avoided this whole thing tonight.”
Bokuto choked on a sob as he continued to keep his head facing the floor. He knew it was true. He knew he had one in his bag in case of emergencies. This was all his fault that he didn’t say anything. He told Akaashi he felt safe with him, but now here he was, caught in a more embarrassing and uncomfortable situation than he could’ve been in had he just let the younger boy know about everything in one go.
“I’m sorry.” he choked out. “I really am.” he said, wiping his eyes.
Akaashi got up from the bed and made his way over to the other boy. He was crying so harshly that his entire body was shaking, not to mention, he was still naked with just the towel around him.
The younger of the two felt a warmth spread across his face again. It was so dark in his room as only a small night light had been illuminating the entire scene, but it still wasn’t hard for Akaashi to see what was directly in front of him.
Bokuto’s body looked exactly like it did in his dream. His muscles were so toned and defined and his boobs looked like they could’ve fit in one of his mom’s bras! No! No… he shook his head. He shouldn’t be thinking about that stuff right now. How long had he just been standing there staring at his teammate? When he looked up, Bokuto’s eyes locked with his.
“I’m sorry.” he squeaked out before moving closer to the black haired boy and embracing him, just to continue crying into his shoulder. “I want to tell you everything, I promise. I just wasn’t ready to share this side of it with anyone else, yet. I wanted to start slow. I don’t like this part of me. I’ve never liked this part of me. I don’t know why I’m like this and I want it to stop. I never wanted to be like this. Why am I like this? Why is this what happened to my head because of shit that happened before? I don’t want this, ‘Kaashi. I never have.” he rambled out before crying even harder than he already had been.

Akaashi was frozen in shock for the boy’s entire vent. He didn’t really think too hard about it when Bokuto said that sometimes it “happens on accident”. Thinking about “slipping” on accident seemed awful to Akaashi with as much as he knew about it so far, but maybe it was more inconvenient than anything else. He finally reached his arms around the taller boy and held him back. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” was all he could respond with as the older continued to cry into him.
Bokuto shook his head. “No I’m not. I’m a fucking freak.” he cried.
Akaashi just held him tighter. “I don’t think you are, Bokuto-san.” he started, receiving a sniffle in response from the other. “I think that whatever you went through in your past wasn’t fair to you. I also think that this is healthier than a lot of other things you could be doing to yourself.” he sighed, “Bokuto-san, you’ve made such a big impact on me and even more of one just within the past few hours we’ve been with each other. I’ve never met anyone like you and I don’t think I will in the future, either. If I can respect and love you for every part of you, why can’t you try to do the same?”
The older of the two pulled away from the hug. “Do you really mean that, Akaashi?” he asked, finishing the question with a sniffle.
The black haired boy could feel the blush spread across his cheeks again and he was grateful the room was so dark so hopefully Bokuto couldn’t see. He was hoping his teammate had just tuned out the word “love” since he didn’t even know why he said that, himself. “Of course, Bokuto-san.”

The older boy pulled away completely and wiped the tears and snot off of his face with his hands before squatting down to pick up the towel that had fallen to the floor at some point. “I’m indecent.” he laughed.
Akaashi’s eyes widened and he quickly turned around to walk back to his bed.
Bokuto sighed before walking over to the bed, putting on the clothes that Akaashi had set on the bed for him, neglecting the pull-up to which the younger boy raised an eyebrow at him.
It was almost like Bokuto could tell because he started talking again. “It’s not going to happen again tonight. It only sometimes happens when I’m little and it just happened to happen tonight.” he huffed out. “I’m not little anymore and I promise we can talk more in the morning because I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.” he said, throwing himself onto the fresh sheets.
Akaashi looked down at the other boy on the bed who playfully patted the mattress as if to let Akaashi know he was welcome to lay down on his own bed. He rolled his eyes and climbed under the covers, a smile on his lips. Bokuto certainly was… interesting, to say the least.

It only took maybe two minutes until Akaashi could hear the other boy’s breath even out and get slightly heavier. He closed his eyes and was about to fall asleep himself until he felt something heavy land on his abdomen.
Upon opening his eyes, he saw Bokuto’s hand gripping onto the middle of his shirt and his upperclassman’s body was curling into him.
For what felt like the billionth time that night, his cheeks got hot and butterflies formed in his stomach. He slowly lifted the arm closest to the sleeping boy before lightly wrapping it over the top of him.
Bokuto’s body immediately responded and moved into the touch.
Before Akaashi knew it, the boy’s damp hair was resting in his armpit and his left leg was hooked around his thighs, holding the black haired boy captive. He wasn’t really one to sleep on his back, but he figured it’d have to do for tonight.
He carefully turned his head to look at the clock. Five in the morning. The sun was beginning to come up. The sound of birds filled his ears, along with Bokuto’s breathing. It was calm. Everything was peaceful. Nothing could ruin this, and with that in mind, he fell asleep for the second time.

Chapter Text

The next time Akaashi woke up, it was to the sound of some rustling papers and zippers which he could only groggily assume were coming from Bokuto’s backpack, which meant his guest was awake. Without making a sound, he lifted his head slightly to see if he could get a glimpse of his upperclassman.
With what his hair looked like, Akaashi wouldn't be surprised if Bokuto slept with his hair wet often to style it.
Other than noticing that, the boy was clearly looking for something, almost frantically, but clearly trying to stay quiet so as to not disturb his still sleeping host.
When the boy pulled his phone out of his bag, Akaashi quickly laid his head back down and closed his eyes, sensing that Bokuto was going to look back at him.
He could hear the boy's feet pad out of the room and down the hall, but his backpack was still there, so he clearly wasn't leaving just yet.
“Sis.” was softly heard from where Akaashi had heard the footsteps head.
“Phone call.” Keiji said softly to himself…for some reason… that he didn't even understand himself.
“Is he there?” Akaashi heard the older boy ask before he heard a sniffle. Crying, again? Damn, this guy was emotional.
“Okay. Tell him ‘I'm sorry’, okay?”
Akaashi felt his breath hitch.
Bokuto had a boyfriend. That was the only logical reasoning for the questions he was asking. Akaashi felt sick. Of course he wasn't single. He still didn't even know if he was into guys for sure, but this was proof enough.

Bokuto entered Akaashi's room and let out a sigh just past the doorway. “That was my sister.” he said, able to tell that Akaashi was fully awake and eavesdropping.
The younger boy opened his eyes and propped himself up on his elbows. “Good morning, Bokuto-san.” he responded.
“Good morning. I had to call her because I couldn't find something I usually pack with me and I was scared I left it at school.” the boy said, finishing his original statement.
“Well, what is it? Can't leave me hanging.” Akaashi prompted.
“Can we not?” Bokuto asked, walking back over to his bag and catching the younger boy off-guard. “Yesterday was… a lot. My head needs to adjust.” Akaashi had never seen Bokuto look this… upset? Angry? No. Maybe he was just being serious, but it was stern.
“I didn't know what I was asking was wrong.” Akaashi responded.
Bokuto sighed and could feel his cheeks getting warm with embarrassment. “You're right.” He responded, his back to the younger. “My bad.” still short and stern sounding.
“Hey. What's with this mood?” the black haired boy questioned.The room tension felt so thick that Akaashi swore it was hard to take a proper breath in. Had he not been anywhere but his own room, he would've probably just let it linger.
Koutarou bit at his bottom lip, not like Keiji would notice since his back stayed facing him. “When,” he started before pausing for a few seconds, clearly thinking about what he wanted to say and how he should say it, “what happened yesterday, happens… and it's the kind where I don't do it on purpose… I don't really feel all there for a while.” he paused again. “Could be for a few hours, sometimes it's a day or two. It was kinda honestly really not great yesterday.” he finished, not really expecting Akaashi to answer.
There was a lingering silence but the tension was gone, now. “What does it feel like?” Akaashi blurted out, not really thinking.
Bokuto finally turned to face him, his golden eyes locking with Akaashi’s gray-blues. “You always ask the craziest questions.” he said in response.
Akaashi sat up fully this time. “I'm sorry if I'm overstepping a boundary. I'm sorry.” he panicked, half because he felt bad and half because Bokuto looked so good standing there giving him such a dumbfounded look. Ugh. He has a boyfriend, though.
The tall boy let out a soft laugh, eye contact breaking to look at the floor. “It's okay. Don't apologize.” Looking back up at Akaashi, “You actually want to know about all this stuff, huh?”
Akaashi nodded without a second thought. “That's what I've been trying to tell you,” is what he wanted to say, but he just stuck with the nod.
Bokuto turned his full body towards the boy and crossed his arms over his chest, staring up at the ceiling and making a face, clearly thinking hard. “Well,” he started, “if I had to describe it, I think it's kinda like,” he paused and sighed. “I guess I get like that when I need to shut out the world around me and any overwhelming thoughts I'm having and then I get to escape and I feel refreshed and so much better when I come back out of it. But,” he continued, “when it's involuntary, as it was yesterday,” he said looking back at Akaashi. “it doesn't really do the same thing. It's not because I want to do it. It's because my head says I need to do it and when I'm not prepared or ready for it, I feel icky after.” he said, frowning slightly. “It forces me to be more emotional and it's usually more stressful than anything.” He looked away from Akaashi and looked at the ground, slightly kicking his right foot. “If you want an analogy thingy for it,” he started, Akaashi slightly smiling at his choice of words. “Say like, you have a towel and a sponge. You run both of them under water so they both get super wet.” he furrowed his eyebrows, eyes still locked on the floor. “And, you squeeze out the sponge and it all comes out all at once, and you're left with a dry sponge now. The towel, you have to keep ringing it out and ringing it out before it's kinda just damp.” he said, looking back up at Akaashi. “So the water is my emotions and the sponge and towel are me… Do you get it?” he asked.
Akaashi curled his lips. “Not really…”
“Okay, it's okay. I don't really know what I was trying to say, either.” the older boy said, defeated.
“Well, do you mean that,” Keiji started, feeling sad that the boy didn't know how to express himself. “You when you're in little space involuntarily, that all of your bad emotions come out gradually but they're still lingering because you didn't be little when you wanted to on your own terms? Versus the sponge, where you can let out your feelings and emotions all with one positive release and you feel brand new when it's over?”
Bokuto couldn't be more elated. The boy figured it out. He didn't even know what he was saying and Akaashi put two and two together better than he ever could've. “Yes. Yes! That's exactly it.”
Akaashi sighed with a smile before falling back down onto his mattress. “Can you just tell me everything, now? Do you get that I'm not going to make fun of you now?” he half laughed out.
Bokuto felt his cheeks get red, again. “I believe you! I do. I think it's just hard to remember everything when I've never told someone before.” he said, crawling back onto the bed to lay next to Akaashi. “Maybe it'd be easier if you just asked questions?”
“Well, how about you start off by answering what you had to call your sister for?” Akaashi rolled over to look at him.
Bokuto bit his bottom lip, again and breathed through his nose. “My stuffed bear…,” he hesitated, “...Beary.” he mumbled, turning his head away from the dark haired boy.
“So not your secret boyfriend?”
“My what?” Bokuto asked, turning back to face him.
Akaashi said that out loud. No. Fucking. Way. How do you save yourself from this? What does he say?
“No, Beary is not my boyfriend. I don't have one, jackass.” Bokuto laughed loudly. “‘Boyfriend’, you're funny.”
Akaashi felt his face get more red as he fought back the urge to cry. Why would he ever think Bokuto liked men? Why would someone that looks like that, like a man? Akaashi would make sure he never found out he was gay. That was going to go with him to his grave. “Tell me more about your big secret, Bokuto-san. I want to understand.” he said, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat as he rolled back onto his back, staring at the ceiling.
Bokuto kept laughing heartily and Akaashi wanted to rip his hair out. His reserve and usual calm demeanor felt like it was crumbling beneath him.
Bokuto stopped laughing. “You're funny, kid. And I just told you, you have to ask the questions, silly!” the older boy said, clearly comfortable and out of his shell.
Akaashi felt like the shell. “I-” he started, his voice cracking from all the pent up emotion behind it, “-don't know what to ask.” he choked out.
Bokuto hummed. “Well, how about we lay here for a while and you can think of some? I don't have anything to do today.” he stated, finishing with a sigh and sprawling his limbs out across the bed.
Akaashi wanted nothing more than to be alone, but he still wanted Bokuto there. He was still his teammate, afterall. How could he be mad at him for reacting that way when he didn't know? He hadn't realized how badly he wanted Bokuto and it wasn't fair to the older man if he allowed his emotions to change their newly blossoming friendship. “Sure.” he responded, closing his eyes, Bokuto doing the same.
“Just let me know when you're ready.”