Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Series:
Part 3 of I’d like to start by apologizing to Dean for doing this to him
Collections:
Orphaned
Stats:
Published:
2021-02-15
Words:
1,348
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
24
Kudos:
484
Bookmarks:
20
Hits:
5,867

A Want for Warmth

Anonymous

Summary:

Somewhere down the line, Cas stopped touching Dean, and Dean really misses it.

Notes:

Here we are, first time stamp! That took a while, sorry...

Edit: FUCK I forgot to put this on anon. Secret’s out now...

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

It has been close to four months since Cas and Sam found Dean in the shifter’s basement, and things are surprisingly normal.

Sure, Dean still has nightmares, but with less frequency than before, and less impact. He can look Sam and Cas in the eyes now (most of the time) and has relearned how to hold a conversation without apologizing every other sentence.

Eating is… it can still be problematic, but, other than that, Dean almost feels like a regular person. He’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but the dread and fear that had been hanging over him for months is starting to dissipate.

It’s nice.

It’d be nicer if Cas would touch him.

Cas used to touch him: soft, reassuring pats and little shoulder squeezes that would drain the tension and fear out of Dean, because there was no way that the shifter would ever, ever touch Dean like that. But nice things never last, and soon enough the touches and occasional hugs had trickled way to almost nothing.

And it had hurt, because Dean loved Cas. He still loves Cas. He wants to kiss Cas, wants to hold Cas, and to be held, and fall asleep next to him at night like he had used to be able to before…

Well, before everything.

But Cas won’t let him. Cas is scared of what the shifter did to Dean. He’s scared of provoking Dean somehow, and it makes sense, but it doesn’t stop Dean from hurting ever so slightly every time that Cas pulls away from him with that horrible, guilty look on his face. It’s always the same look, too. Every damn time, and it makes Dean feel slimy and tainted when he sees Cas’ face like that. It looks like it hurts Cas to touch Dean. Still, Dean craves the small moments of touch between him and Cas, and chases the contact like he’s been starved of it.

It’s different with Sam. They were never very touchy to begin with, and that hasn’t changed much. At least Sam doesn’t look like he’s in pain when Dean taps him on the shoulder, or pulls him into an awkward one-armed hug, but he never touches, only lets himself be touched.

It’s the little things like that which help remind Dean that he isn’t a monster.

And it’s a distinct lack of those things from Cas that has Dean gulping boiling-hot ginger tea in an effort to feel warm.

He’s been drinking tea a lot recently, mostly because his coffee habit has been put to a stop by Sam and Cas, who had made an executive decision to hide the coffee beans for Sam’s fancy-ass coffee grinder. Dean hasn’t found gathered mental fortitude to go looking for the coffee supplies yet, though. He knows that he’s not going to be hurt on the off-chance that he manages to locate the coffee, but his body freezes up every time he tries. It’s more annoying than anything, but Dean has grown mostly used to it, and it just takes a few minutes to calm down now, compared to the hour or so that he has worked his way down from.

He takes another gulp of tea, and relishes the oozy-warm burn in his chest. It doesn’t last long, though, and soon Dean is back to feeling frozen and empty. He places his empty mug in the sink and walks silently out of the kitchen, down to the Dean-cave.

Sam and Cas haven’t moved from their spots when Dean arrives, save for Cas stretching a bit further across the couch. Sam seems to have fallen asleep. There’s still plenty of room for Dean to sit at the far end of his and Cas’ couch, but he doesn’t want to.

All Dean wants is Cas.

A shiver tears through Dean’s body, amplifying the ache in his chest that screams for touch. He wants to be held so badly it hurts.

Cas is almost asleep. His eyes are close to shut, and he looks so warm and relaxed, which is a far cry from how cold Dean feels. Cas stretches out further on the couch, and his eyes slide shut.

The aching pull in Dean’s chest increases tenfold. He bites his lip hard enough to split a section of chapped skin, and steps closer to Cas.

He can do this. All he needs to do is ask, and not come off as some begging, desperate slut. If he can make Cas understand, Cas will touch him again. It doesn’t need to be much—just a pat on his shoulder there, or a brush of fingers as Dean passes something to Cas. That'll be enough. It'll have to be.

It won't be.

Dean shivers again. Every touch had brought him pain for months, and Sam and Cas know that. Which, of course, is part of the problem. Dean has remembered what it’s like to be touched without being hurt or fucked within an inch of his life, but Cas still won’t…

They’re scared of hurting Dean. It’d be almost sweet if it didn’t make Dean almost crush himself under a thousand blankets every night just so he could have the illusion of contact.

God, you’re pathetic.

Dean ignores himself, and reaches down to shake Cas’ shoulder. Cas trills—not unlike a cat (which is adorable)—and blinks up at Dean.

“Dean? What happened? Did you—“

“Nothing bad,” Dean interrupts. “I—I…” I’m broken and sad and cold and I just want to hold you. Dean trails off and looks at the floor. This was stupid. He shouldn’t have even thought about it. Cas doesn’t want to touch him, and Dean shouldn’t make him. If he does, he’s no better than—

Fuck. No. Don’t think about that.

Dean flinches when Cas says his name again.

“Dean?”

Now you’ve done it.

“I’m sorry,” Dean whispers, stepping back to the unoccupied end of the couch. Why are you apologizing, dumbass? “I’m—I—I’m—“ He sits down on his corner of the couch. “Don’t—“ Don’t be mad. Please. I’ll leave you alone. “I don’t—“ Dean cuts himself off when he feels Cas’ hand on his arm. Cas is touching him.

“Dean, can you look at me?”

Dean looks up at Cas. And Cas… doesn’t look anything but worried. His blue eyes are wide, and his hair is mussed up from how he was laying on the couch.

“You’re not there, Dean. You’re here, at the bunker.”

Dean doesn’t deserve Cas. “I know, I know, I just-just…”

Cas moves his hand from Dean’s arm. Dean leans forward a bit, into the empty air where Cas’ hand had been a moment before.

“I miss this,” Dean says, gesturing between him and Cas. “I miss—I miss you.” He reaches out and grabs Cas’ hand. Dean’s hands are shaking. “I just want to…” Dean doesn’t want to say it, but he needs to. Cas isn’t going to touch Dean for much longer unless Dean gives him a reason. “I want to hold you.” Tears prickle in Dean’s eyes.

Cas tenses. “Dean…” Cas’ tired eyes fill with concern.

“I’m not fragile,” Dean insists quietly.

Cas tilts his head.

“Shut up,” Dean grumbles. He curls in on himself a little.

Cas is right, though.

Dean tells his internal monologue to shut the hell up. “Can I?” He asks. “H-hold you?”

Cas opens his arms, and Dean slowly, carefully leans in, tucks himself against Cas, and wraps his arms around Cas. Warm contentment settles in Dean’s chest, and he can feel the empty ache that haunts him every hour of the day disappear for the first time in months.

He hums and presses his head to Cas’ shoulder, drunk on contact. Something explodes on the TV, but Dean is too tired to take note of what it is. Everything’s just so…

If Dean was any sappier a person, he’d say it was pretty damn perfect.

But he’s not, so he just cuddles (yeah, he’s cuddling, damnit) Cas as close as he can, and drifts off to the sounds of on-screen explosions.

Notes:

Thanks for reading, comments and kudos appreciated!

(And, if you have any idea for timestamps, I'd love to hear them.)

(Ps. but Ace, you may ask, why is there someone other than you replying to all of the comments? That's kind of weird. Yeah. That's my main account and I moved this off of it after I was discovered there by someone irl. If you liked my stuff, consider subscribing here, because this is where I post most of my dark stuff!)