Chapter Text
Dean trips.
He falls down the rocky decline. His breath gets caught in his throat, and for a moment, he feels overwhelming panic. The knee, the knee, he has to watch out for the knee. Cas can't know.
But when he lands, of course he lands right on the knee. The scream that rips from his throat is loud and inhuman. It just hurts hurts hurts hurts he can't feel anything but the pain, he can't think-
Cas is there, calling his name. Cas is there, cradling his head, running a hand through his hair, saying something. Then, he's peeling off the fabric of his jeans where they ripped, and he sees-
He sees what Dean's been hiding for days, and all hell breaks loose.
Cas is pissed, he's pissed at Dean , and it's all Dean's fault.
This is the first time he made Cas this mad, and the first time he can't sense any guilt or remorse in the alpha's scent. He's just angry, angry at him, and he doesn't try to hold it back.
They're in the middle of Yellowstone National Park, surrounded by trees taller than mountains. There's no service, no way to contact anyone, and Dean can't walk. And it's all his fault.
He's watching alpha from his place on the ground, watching him pace and curse and dial someone's number again and again.
'Fuck!' Cas swears, and, as if to accentuate his words, lightning crashes, blinding them momentarily. And damn, Dean never even noticed when the sky turned so dark. Looks like Cas's millionth attempt to reach someone has been unsuccessful.
Alpha's hand flexes around the phone, and even from his position on the ground, Dean can see how his muscles bulge. That's cause Cas is wearing a T-shirt. That's cause Dean told him he looks hot in this one cause it matches his eyes, when they were laughing in the motel room, just this morning. Looking forward to a day of hiking.
And back then, Dean was already a dirty liar.
Cas marches back to him. There's purpose in his steps, but Dean doesn't think he was able to come up with anything new. He looks so furious, still, so Dean hunches his shoulders.
'I'm sorry,' he mumbles, but he doesn't think Cas can hear; it's so quiet.
His jeans are torn where he fell. Stained with blood. His leg is stretched out in front of him, stiff and burning with pain. His knee is a mangled mess of - something. Swollen, hot, the skin pulled taut and shiny, the cut below it already looking nasty.
Cas looks at him for a while. Dean doesn't dare look up, clenching his fists. He realizes he's holding onto grass of all things.
There's a pause when Cas kneels down to take something out of his backpack. It's a - it's a-
It's a knife.
Dean makes a wounded sound that surprises him, but before he can process it, he's crawling through the underbrush, away away away-
'Dean!' a hand grabs him by the scruff of his neck, and he flinches and covers his head. 'Stop!'
'Don't,' he pleads, shaking. 'Please don't-'
'Turn around ,' Castiel orders in the alpha voice, and Dean does, he does. His leg hurts. His leg hurts a lot . 'I'm not gonna hurt you.'
Cas is handing him the knife. Dean blinks at it, and then at his alpha. The blue eyes, furious but not - not bad. Not like - not like Alastair's.
'The jean leg, cut it off,' alpha says, staring at his knee. 'The fabric is restricting the blood flow. The swelling will get worse.'
'Oh,' Dean replies, and then swallows, mouth dry. He takes the knife. It's the one they bought together, the all-purpose tourist knife they were gonna get just in case they needed it. Except they've been thinking of opening cans, not - not this. But knowing that it's their knife, the one with the soft handle that Cas let Dean pick, because he knows knives better - that snaps him out of his panic. Alastair's knives were foreign and all steel and he didn't even use them that often, so why is Dean freaking out now? It's not like he has a breakdown every time he needs to butter some bread.
you know why, something inside tells him. Yeah, he knows. It's all cause of his goddamn knee.
He cuts off the jean leg. The fabric doesn't give easily, but Cas helps him tear it off, and supervises closely. Dean thinks it's cause he doesn't trust him with a knife. Dean's already such a fuckup, Cas shouldn't trust him. He broke the cardinal rule, and he knew how stupid it was.
tell me when you're hurt.
But he was so scared. Because this - it's happened before. And-
'I'll clean it, now,' Castiel says, unaware of Dean's thoughts. But hell, he can definitely smell how guilty Dean feels, the scent is heavy and it's everywhere. They should charge tourists less, from now on - no more clean air. Welcome to Yellowstone, the land of Dean Winchester's guilt.
Novak's, he reminds himself. Dean Novak's.
Cas uncaps his bottle and pours water over the knee. Dean can't contain his flinch. It hurts like a bitch, but now the tiny pieces of rock and ground and dust are gone, it's looking better.
'It's important that the wound doesn't get infected,' Cas says, seriously. 'No more crawling, Dean.'
'Got it,' Dean replies, sounding meek, deferential. 'Cas, I-'
'We need to get to the nearest visitor center, or a main road. Or anywhere I can catch a signal. But we can't climb with you in this state,' Cas interrupts him matter-of-factly, and there's a pang of hurt in Dean's heart. He wanted to finish his apology, but clearly alpha is having none of it. 'It shouldn't be that far. We are, after all, still on one of the main hiking routes. Perhaps we'll meet someone along the way.'
Saying it, Cas keeps digging around in his backpack, until he finds a first aid kit. Because of course he carries one. Dean remembers their conversation about a week ago, after Cas had avidly read the Yellowstone website and all safety tips he could find. He packed everything the website suggested taking, including a freaking raincoat, as if it was gonna rain in the middle of this stifling July.
Looking up at the storm clouds, Dean concludes it was just one more thing he was wrong about.
'Why is the seal broken, Dean?' Cas's voice is like steel, and Dean flinches again. Fuck. Better get it over with.
'I-I took,' Dean stutters. 'The - the painkillers, yesterday.'
Without alpha's consent. In the bathroom, when Cas was out getting them food, Dean hid and rolled up his jeans and stared at his knee, looking worse by the second. He carefully cracked open the seal of the brand new first aid kit, and took the two painkillers, chasing them down with water from the tap. By the time Cas came back with a brilliant smile and a mouthwateringly smelling fried chicken, the pain had dulled to nothing and Dean convinced himself everything would be alright.
And it's not. As expected, after the confession Cas's face tightens even more, jaw set, eyes dark. He doesn't say anything, which is somehow worse than yelling.
He drips hydrogen peroxide over Dean's cut, holding his leg in place with a firm grip. Normally, Dean'd be comforted by it, but the comfort... isn't here. Cas still cares about him, but only because he's such a good person, Dean knows it. He doesn't deserve any gentleness, not after what he's done.
After Cas slaps a bandaid on the still-bleeding cut, he takes out the raincoat from the backpack.
'Put it on,' he says.
'But it's yours,' Dean protests weakly. He didn't take one for himself because it was supposed to be warm and sunny, and he told Cas he didn't wanna look stupid. To which Cas laughed, but that was yesterday. 'And it's not raining yet-'
'Will you. For once, ' Cas grits out, and Dean doesn't like how his face twists. 'Just do as you're fucking told ?!'
It has Dean scrambling back on instinct, until he hits a tree trunk. Cas is so furious , he seems to shake in place, fists clenched, lips set in a hard line.
'I will,' Dean promises, grabbing the coat and tugging it on quickly. It's yellow and the fabric is strange, waxy, so that the rain will slide down its surface. There's a pocket in the front, detachedly reminding Dean of kangaroos. 'I'm sorry, alpha, sir, I swear. I promise.'
He still watches out for his knee, because he feels like even the slightest mistake would send Cas into another fit at this point.
Alpha waits until he's covered by the coat, and then steps closer. Dean knows he won't hurt him, but he doesn't wanna be touched. So when Cas leans down to grab him, he jerks away and immediately freezes.
'Sorry,' he mumbles. 'What-'
'I'll carry you,' alpha replies tersely. 'Just hold on.'
He grabs Dean under his arms and picks him up, and Dean can't help but stay tense. He wants to be on the ground, and away from Cas, who smells so angry and dangerous.
Plus, being carried makes him feel so embarrassed. He started - the last couple of months, he started being a person again. He was more sarcastic and open with Cas and Cas seemed to like it. He even asked for a few things and he got them, like the trip to the Grand Canyon, or watching boxing matches on TV, in the evening. So being carried like a little kid, even though he's so old he can feel it in his bones - it makes him feel stupid.
And his leg hurts, so bad. And Cas smells so sad, too, and Dean never meant to make him sad, even though he should've known it'd end up this way. This trip - Cas was looking forward to it so much, he's been preparing for so long. Knowing their luck, he'll step off the trail, on one of the thinner patches of ground and they'll both plunge into the boiling water, or whatever it is that's inside those geysers they never even reached.
Dean knows he has to be heavy, and he notices the way Cas holds him under his fucked up knee, keeping the leg elevated and as straight as possible. It's an awkward position. Dean still has his backpack on, both straps because Cas insisted on not having it thrown over one arm, even though that looks cool. At least they have water and some snacks, and a blanket. Dean prays they won't have to spend the night here. They shouldn't, but-
Another lightning flash blinds them, and Dean flinches. Cas doesn't shush him, but his hands tighten on Dean's body. It's almost like a hug. Then, there's the thunder.
'Still a few kilometers away,' alpha announces. 'We have to hide when the storm gets here. Any of those trees could be hit by lightning and topple over.'
Dean nods, knowing that alpha will feel it.
'We passed a ridge on the way,' Cas says. 'It seemed big enough to hide both of us. And it's under solid rock, so we should be safe there.'
'Okay,' Dean mumbles, and then moves his nose just a bit to the right, where Cas's sleeve rides up. His skin still smells like the Cas he loves, without the angry, disappointed scent. Dean can cowardly pretend nothing happened and they're just hugging under one of the trees, like at the beginning of the trip, in the morning. Cas worked out a little before they started, his long limbs stretched in the sun when he raised his hands in the air or bent down to touch his toes. Dean admired him, eating the first of their provisions, both of them getting their strength for the upcoming hike.
Cas manages to walk longer than Dean expected, though his gait slows and he starts to stumble about thirty minutes in. Dean feels like such a burden, especially when it starts raining and Cas gets visibly tired, water trickling down his hair and face. Dean's covered by the raincoat, his own hair dry, and wishes he could offer to swap it with Cas, but he knows it would only rile him up more. He's determined to be on his best behavior from now on. He realizes, with a swoop in his stomach, that their Great Escape is probably over. No way Cas is gonna want to keep traveling after Dean lied to him like this.
His eyes sting, tearing up. He never wanted to tell Cas this story. He's just so scared. Cause even after they go back home, Cas will probably want to take him to a doctor. Scratch that, not probably; Cas will take him to a doctor. And no matter how many things have changed, Dean's totally terrified of a... blast from the past.
Alpha stops. At first Dean worries that he sensed Dean was gonna cry, but it seems that he's just too tired. He's breathing laboriously and only now Dean notices that his muscles are shaking from the strain.
He thought it was him who was shaking.
'I have to let you down for a moment,' alpha says, voice tight, and Dean's slowly lowered to the ground. He holds onto Cas because his leg won't let him stand, but...
'Alpha,' he says, trying to convince himself that he's not nervous. 'I can try and walk on my own.' Cas's head snaps up and he glares, no doubt ready to put him in his place again, but Dean holds his hand up in a placating manner. 'Before you get pissed-' he adds hastily. 'I - this - it's happened before. And if I can get a - a stick or a - a b-branch to lean on, I think I can walk.'
Cas examines him for a moment, waiting to catch his breath. He's soaked, and the trail has turned to a muddy mess from all the rain. Dean can't stand alpha's gaze. He looks at the ground, wrapping his hands in the sleeves of the yellow coat. His knee hurts, a lot. He wishes he’d left the painkillers for today. He wishes he were better.
'When you say before,' alpha says, finally, rubbing his arms. His light blue shirt has turned dark blue, clinging to his body. He must be cold, Dean thinks, guilt eating away at him. 'Do you mean while you were with me?'
Dean shakes his head, immediately.
'No, uh,' he hesitates. 'Years. Years ago.'
'Oh,' Cas says, and something changes in his eyes, just a little. 'You've had this knee injured in the exact same way?'
Dean shakes his head, again. He remembers Alastair's fist, he remembers his rough hands, grabbing him and throwing him to the ground. Remembers the stench of his drunken breath, remembers the brutal glint in his eyes, glazed over from the alcohol. Remembers the violence that never never never seemed to end. Remembers the familiar, but rare fear that coursed through him whenever an injury seemed to be a little too much , a little too dangerous. Like something inside him broke too far and wouldn't be fixed.
I don't need a cripple, Alastair had said.
'I really can walk,' Dean assures Cas, instead of replying to his question. 'I know how to do it so my knee won't get any more fucked up. But I -' he feels like shit asking for another thing from this man, who has so much love and patience for him, even when he's doing unforgivable things. 'I need something to lean on.'
Cas just nods, and looks around. There's lots of sticks lying around, but nothing long enough for Dean to use as a crutch. Cas doesn't give up, though; he wanders off the main path, causing anxiety to rise in Dean, what if he steps on one of those hidden lava things?
'Cas?' he calls out after a minute, because he can't take it. Cas returns quickly, empty handed. There's a scrape on his bare arm that Dean notices right away, cause it's fresh.
'I can't go look further, the ground isn't safe,' Cas explains, and Dean's hit with a wave of relief, knowing that Cas cares about himself and remembers about the dangers of Yellowstone. It calms Dean down immensely to know that Cas doesn't forget to watch out for himself. Then, after that relief comes more guilt. Probably why it sucks for Cas so much, to see him like this, not caring about his health at all, even though he promised.
'I'll just lean on you, then,' Dean ventures, and voices it like a question.
'Yes,' Cas nods, and circles an arm around Dean's shoulders. 'If it hurts too much, tell me.'
It already does, but the wind picks up, and Dean's sure that very soon, they'll be in the eye of the storm. The hike took them roughly three hours - on the way to the biggest geyser - before Dean fell down those stupid rocks and couldn't pretend he was fine, so the road back should take... Well, longer, with him in this state.
Great.
'How far to that ridge?' Dean asks, his voice barely audible over the rain. It’s gone from something that could still be considered a summer drizzle to a full-blown assault .
'Still some way to go,' Cas replies, sounding properly worried. Dean thinks it's about time he should be worried too, and not just about Cas, his health and his anger; he should worry about them getting actually damaged in this goddamn forest. Dean hates that something that's visited by tons of tourists every day isn't more... filled with nice, familiar cement and benches and food stands. Sure, gotta think of the nature, but still... this feels like the freaking wilderness, which is probably the point, but that's why they invented 5D cinemas, right? They could just leave the animals and plants alone and lead the tourists to a Yellowstone simulation or something. This isn't very responsible of the people who sold them the tickets and said 'Enjoy the beauty of our national park!', Dean thinks, surly.
'Maybe there's some other place to hide,' he offers, quietly. 'Cause that storm is-'
'I know , Dean,' alpha snaps, which proves to Dean that despite the firm, gentle grip on him, Cas is still fucking furious. Okay. He shuts up.
They only manage about a hundred steps; Dean knows, he's been counting them to focus on literally anything else than the worry choking him. There's a giant rumble, and they can feel the earth shake beneath their feet. Dean clings to Cas on instinct, and he can tell Cas does the same, moving so that he covers Dean. God, even in moments like these, his first reaction is to protect him.
A second later, they're bathed in light as another bolt of lightning hits very close to them, way too close for comfort.
'Come on,' Cas is tugging him before Dean blinks the white away, and they're rushing through the underbrush towards the rocks. Dean prays there's no boiling water hidden underneath their feet, but it's unlikely, cause they're still pretty much on the trail.
They're lucky. Just a few meters away, there's a nook under the rock. There's bushes, but Cas just throws his backpack on them and makes sure Dean sits down on it. For a moment, Dean's terrified the lightning is somehow gonna hit Cas before he makes it under the rock, and he can't contain his panic, so he pulls him close.
'Sorry,' he whispers into Cas's hair, holding onto him. There's more than enough space for the two of them, but the rock is right above their heads when they sit. Cas lets Dean embrace him.
'We should be safe here,' he says, pulling out his phone and checking the signal. There's none.
For a while, they just sit cuddled together, Cas resting, Dean trying not to think about the hot white pain in his leg. It's still better than the first time around, though.
The storm grows more vicious, steadily.
'Alpha?' Dean starts sheepishly. 'Maybe you could, uh, cover yourself with the blanket?'
Cas has gotta be cold the way he's trembling, and he looks exhausted. Dean would be too, carrying his own fat ass across the Yellowstone hiking trail, but he hates seeing alpha freeze, and this at least could helpbe helped.
But alpha just sighs.
'No, it'll get wet. We might need it later, we're not out of the woods yet,' he cuts his eyes at Dean. 'So to speak.'
It's almost a joke, but Dean can sense Cas is still way too angry with him, so he just nods in reply. Alpha's the boss and Dean is dead set on showing that he knows it.
'How bad is it?' Castiel asks, gesturing towards Dean's knee. Dean's reflexive reply is to say it's not bad at all, but the words die on his tongue. No more lying.
'It's pretty bad,' he says, then, hunching in on himself. He can't stop himself from wanting to smooth it over. 'But, uh. When it - first happened, uh. That was way worse.'
'I see,' alpha replies, and goes back to staring at the trees and the rain. At least here, in this nook, they're starting to get dry. Even if the ground is damp and the air is so heavy and moist. Dean looks out of their little hiding spot. The sky is almost black, that's how dark it is.
'They never, uh, said anything about a storm, today,' he tries, lamely, because he can't stand the strange tense silence coming from Cas. But it doesn't help, cause alpha just doesn't answer. Fuck. This is hell. Dean doesn't know why it hurts so much, being ignored. It's just, Cas has never ignored him before. But now, he's just brooding, and he's so mad, Dean can't even predict when he'll snap.
They sit in silence for a moment more. Dean fidgets on Cas's backpack, the contents digging into his ass. How long can this storm last? At least it's not that late yet. Less of a chance of them having to spend the night.
'And,' Dean attempts, again, after a while. Cas doesn't even turn to face him. 'Um, we can go see the Norris Geyser soon as I'm better, cause I really wanted to see it, you know, and - haven't you said it's pretty active?'
'The most active,' Cas growls. 'And you're not going to be watching any geysers in the near future.'
'Oh,' Dean swallows, leaning back and fighting a stupid urge to cry. 'Right.'
He shrinks against the rock wall, pulling the raincoat tighter around himself. If he's cold, he wonders how Cas must be feeling.
'Whatever happened to your knee,' alpha continues after a moment. 'Will probably require surgery, and if not, then some long-term rest. Please tell me you are aware of that, at least.'
Dean didn't want to think about it at all. But he knows Cas won't- he knows Cas is not like Alastair. He doesn't think Cas would ever even consider having his leg amputated instead of paying for his surgery. He really doesn't, not even the carefully hidden part of him that's always shaking in fear, always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under his feet.
But that part is still terrified of going to the doctor.
'Maybe,' he chances, risking a glance at Cas. 'It - it can get better on its own.' He knows it's bullshit, even as he says it. 'Like, we don't have to go to the doctor. Maybe some cream will-'
'Your knee looks like an over-ripe fig that's ready to burst,' alpha interrupts him. The way he states it, there's not gonna be any room for bargaining. 'You're going to the hospital as soon as we're out of here.'
Yeah, Dean didn't expect anything else. But he's just so scared.
'I don't even know, where, uh, the nearest omega center is,' he adds, voice weak and tiny to his own ears.
'I'll take care of it,' alpha tells him.
'But-'
'End of discussion.'
Dean feels like someone slapped him. Cheeks pink with anger and embarrassment, he turns a little so that he doesn't have to face alpha. And alpha isn't looking at him, anyway. He's staring at the sky, at the trees. Thunder rolls, the lightning strikes, Dean feels like he's in a Garth Brooks song.
It's the most tense hour they have spent together, Dean thinks. It's even worse than in the beginning; worse than when he thought Cas didn't want him home and might hurt him, worse than when he broke the rules over and over and waited for punishment, worse than having to tell Cas that he was gonna get fired cause of Dean...
Because sitting here, in this small space, suffocating in their conflicting scents of anger and fear... Dean knows Cas already, and knows how much trust his alpha has put in him. Knows that Cas cares about him cause he loves him, not cause he wants him to be an obedient little bitch. Knows that Cas would rather never see Yellowstone than have the price be Dean's health. And Dean expected himself to act better, too. Nowadays, he is assertive. Some days, sometimes. But this - this old injury just brought him back to one of the worst times in his life. And he couldn't help but want to stay quiet. Be unassuming, unobstructive, fine .
'Are you sure you're up for this much hiking?' Cas had asked, over and over again, and Dean swallowed the pills in the bathroom, face screwed up in pain, and then lied, easily like it was something he's been doing for ages. But it wasn't, not with Cas.
He wanted to pretend. Just a little longer.
But now, his leg keeps getting worse. He tries to focus on something else, but Cas doesn't wanna talk, no, he just wants to stare at the sky and probably pray for the storm to be over soon and simmer in his anger. But Dean's fear slowly gives way to pain, more and more of it, until all he can feel is his burning leg, and he worries he's even got a fever. It instantly reminds him of that time when he threw up on Cas's carpet and stared at it, terrified, thinking Cas was gonna send him to a punishment center. And he called him at work, hands shaking, and Cas sounded so mad.
But then, he wasn't. Then, he was nice to Dean and let him stay in bed and cuddled him.
He wishes they were home.
Someone's holding his hand. He blinks down at it, blearily.
'I can smell you're in so much pain,' Cas says, voice weak and sad and trembling. 'We'll get out of here. I promise . Not much longer, now.'
Dean loves him for breaking the silence, and for giving him comfort.
'Hurts real bad,' he admits. It feels good to admit it. He leans closer and burrows his head into Castiel's chest.
'You're such an idiot,' Cas tells him, all choked up. 'Did you really think I'd-'
He stops himself. What, amputate Dean's leg? No. But Dean doesn't want to elaborate. So he just says:
'No.'
'Then why?' alpha asks, but Dean just shakes his head. 'When I caught a cold before our trip to the car museum, you only seemed to care about me. Do you still think I would treat you any differently?'
'It's not about that,' Dean mumbles. 'Not about you at all.'
He only realizes it's true when he says it. It's about him, and Alastair. But really, mostly about him.
Cas sighs. There's a hand in Dean's hair, combing through it, soothing, but his leg still hurts too damn much. He doesn't think he'll be able to walk the rest of the way, even propped up on alpha.
'The sky has cleared a little,' Cas announces pensively. 'And it's been more than twenty minutes since the last thunder we've heard. I think it's safe to move.'
'Can you carry me?' Dean asks. It takes so much effort to ask for it, but Dean thinks that maybe, it'll make alpha happy. Putting trust in him, asking for things. And it seems to, because he offers a small smile. The first since everything went to hell.
'Of course I'll carry you,' he replies. 'Come on.'