Archive of Our Own ^beta

In his younger and more vulnerable years, Waluigi’s father gave him some advice that Waluigi had been turning over in his mind ever since. Indeed, Waluigi was the purple pickle, the lavender legs guy, George Waluigishton, the President of the Rick and Morty Fan Club, and the lover of Edward Cullen, the sexiest vampire this side of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and not so long ago, he had even been the king of the entire world, but none of that was enough. There was something more he needed, and he would never be satisfied until he had it.

And yet, there wasn’t much he could do when Bella Swan, Frank Iero, and Spider-Man were beating the living daylights out of him.

Then again, even though Waluigi was no longer the greatest dancer in the world, he was a gold medallist in every Olympic sport, so he used an epic combination of boxing, karate, taekwondo, wrestling, judo, fencing, and rhythmic gymnastics to defend himself against his superpowered assailants. “Jesus Christ,” Bella muttered as Waluigi kicked her in the jaw.

“Did someone say my name?” Jesus said as he floated over to Frank, Bella, and Tobey, wielding a crucifix, a clove of garlic, a sacred sword, and a holy sponge. However, when he saw his friends fighting the Wahbadook, Jesus knew what he had to do. He joined in the fight, shoving his holy sponge in Waluigi’s face, but Waluigi was not afraid. After all, he was bigger than Jesus, and he had already fought the Mormon god Stephenie Meyer. Surely, Mr. Tall, Dark, and Moist could take on a first-century Jewish rabbi without even breaking a sweat.

“Stop!” Waluigi’s boyfriend Edward suddenly cried out as he sparkled like Bowie in the morning sun. “There’s no reason to fight over this!”

“Shut up, Ewdard,” Bella said as she threw a punch in Waluigi’s direction like the girlboss she was.

“Wait,” Mikey said. “Is it Edward or Ewdard?”

“Ewdard, obviously,” Bella said. “Because he’s ew.”

“Thought you was Batman,” Gerard said to the shimmering vampire man.

“What? No!” Edward said. “Why would you think I’m Batman?”

All of a sudden, Frank dropped to the ground, exhausted. Even with his new vampire powers, he was still just a short, angry punk - there was no way he could take on the amethyst athlete, the jam-colored jock, the god of tennis. “Frank!” Tobey called out as he rushed over to his tiny, guitar-playing boyfriend. “Are you okay?”

Before Frank could respond, Waluigi cackled and then screamed, “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!”

“Do you have any idea what he just said?” Ray Torgo asked Gerard.

“He says that we’ll never defeat him because he’s the most skilled athlete in the world. Apparently, Tall Blart: Brawl Cop has a gold medal in every Olympic sport.”

“So we’ll have to challenge him to a sport that’s not in the Olympics,” Tahani said, the sexy skyscraper wrapping her arms around her husband.

“Bowling?” Torgo suggested.

“Chess?” Alice said.

“Russian fist fighting?” Chekov said.

“Drunken kickball?” Mikey said.

“Getting so emo that you fall apart?” Gerard said.

“I’ve got it!” Tahani exclaimed. “As my wisest friend Brian David Gilbert once said, it’s time to get good at the darts!”

Tahani pulled a dart out of nowhere and threw it at Waluigi, landing it right in the middle of his crooked mustache. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” the ‘stached stud cried as he tried to untangle the dart from his facial hair.

“Leave Waluigi alone!” Edward shouted.

“Why should we, Ewdard?” Bella asked.

“Waluigi isn’t trying to take over the world this time!” Edward exclaimed. “He just wants to be in Super Smash Bros.!”

“Wah,” Waluigi said in agreement.

“I respect that,” Tobey said, backing away from the grapefruit crusader.

“Me too,” Gerard said. “You should be in Smash, Waluigi.”

“I apologize, you blessed purple jellyfish,” Jesus said as he put down his sacred sword. “You were only pursuing the noblest of goals - being more than just an assist trophy in the holiest fighting game series in existence.”

“Waah,” Waluigi said as he shed a single tear, dreaming of the day when he might finally get the opportunity to smash alongside his bros.

Realizing that Waluigi only wanted what everyone else wanted - justice for the world’s second greatest detective - Alice and her girlfriend Bella retreated back to the Cullen residence, while Jesus ascended to a higher plane of existence, ready to slay evil vampires with his holy crucifix once again.

“How are we going to get back to New York?” Tahani asked Tobey and the members of My Chemical Romance. “Tobey can’t web that far, and thanks to all of you, my yacht is at the bottom of the ocean, just like my great-aunt, the RMS Titanic!”

Chekov looked around for a moment. “Where did Sulu go?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” Gerard said. “Let’s go find him.”

The seven remaining protagonists ran off to where the Enterprise was, but to their shock and terror, it was gone. The starship had boldly gone where no man had gone before, and they’d done it without their trusty navigator Pavel Andreievich Chekov.

“Don’t worry about it,” Torgo said as Chekov shrieked. “I’ve been left at truck stops more times than I can count, and my bandmates always come back to get me.”

“That’s because you’re the greatest guitarist and the greatest friend in the entire universe,” Gerard said. “We would be nothing without you, Torgo.”

Despite his crewmates’ betrayal, Chekov soon had something to smile about. There was another starship in the parking lot, shaped like a sphere and armed with a superlaser. “Follow me!” Chekov exclaimed as he ran onboard. “I can take you all back to New York!”

“Are you sure that’s a ship, Chekov?” Mikey asked. “It looks more like a moon to me.”

“That’s no moon,” Gerard said. “It’s a spaceship.”

“Either way, it was invented in Russia!” Chekov shouted.

Everyone ran aboard the ship, and as soon as they were onboard, Frank sprinted to the trash compactor, while Gerard turned to Chekov and said, “You do realize that this is the Death Star, right?”

“What are you talking about?” Chekov asked. “This is a brand new ship, which I will now call…” Chekov paused for dramatic effect and then hoisted the hammer and sickle flag. “THE USSR ENTERPRISE!”

Chekov launched the ship into the air, while his passengers took some time to relax on their way back to New York City. Tahani planned out her next shopping spree as she snuggled up next to her thick-bearded husband, Gerard read the latest issue of Doom Patrol, Tobey swung around the Death Star, and Mikey consumed an ungodly amount of avocados.

“I miss the love of my life,” Mikey complained as he watched Torgo and Tahani cuddle and then proceeded to stuff another Persea americana fruit into his mouth.

“You should let me meet them sometime,” Gerard said.

“No,” Mikey said.

Before Gerard could ask about showing Mikey’s love interest all of his embarrassing baby pictures, Tobey swung into the room, and he saw Torgo pushing a needle into Frank’s knuckles. “Are you getting a tattoo right now?” Tobey asked.

Frank nodded, and although Gerard couldn’t bear to watch his boyfriend get a tattoo thanks to his trypanophobia, Tobey looked on in fascination. When Torgo was finished, Frank held up his hands, and both of his boyfriends gushed over his new tattoos.

“It’s perfect,” Tobey said.

“Like a work of art,” Gerard added.

“Might need to work on the spelling though,” Mikey snarked.

“I thought you guys would like it,” Frank said, smiling as he looked down at his tattoos.

Tobey held Frank’s hand, and when he looked across his soft, squishy knuckles, he saw that it read, “SPID RMAN.”

“But Frankie, I thought you were afraid of spiders,” Gerard said.

Frank shuddered and then squeezed Tobey’s devilish hand. “Yeah, but I think I’ve come around to Spider-Man,” he said as he stared into Tobey’s blue eyes.

“Aww,” Gerard said. “I love you both.” He took Frank’s other hand and ran his fingers over his knuckles, his inner goddess blasting Death Grips while driving a Volvo car as he gazed at his boyfriend’s hands. “Your tattoos…” Gerard said to his adoring fan. “They’re so...beautiful…”

All of a sudden, Tobey’s Spider-Sense began to tingle, and they all heard Chekov scream as the Death Star suddenly plummeted to the ground. Tobey clung to the wall, while the others gripped onto whatever they could to stabilize themselves as the Death Star crashed, rapidly turning into a flaming ball of doom as it tumbled down to Earth.

When it finally stopped moving, the Death Star exploded in a fiery wreck, but somehow, Chekov, Tobey, Tahani, and the members of My Chemical Romance all escaped completely unharmed. However, this may or may not have been because the weather was so ridiculously cold that they all turned into chunks of ice as soon as the frosty air hit their skin.

Thankfully, within a few minutes, someone found the seven of them, all frozen in ice like Steve Rogers, the First Gay Avenger, when he fell into the Arctic Ocean after World War II. The man who found them was a brute, a holy healer, a cat that really was gone. He was big and strong, and in his eyes, a flaming glow.

He was Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Russia’s greatest love machine.

Rasputin cast a spell over the Chekovsicle, causing it to melt and the Enterprise navigator to fall into his arms. “Owa owa, Rasputin,” Chekov whispered before his lips collided with the sexy Russian mystic’s.

“I thought you weren’t supposed to come home for another six weeks,” Rasputin said to Chekov, his words full of ecstasy and fire.

“The Enterprise crew left me behind, and then I got disoriented,” Chekov explained, but this time, instead of being lost in space, he was lost in Rasputin’s glowing eyes.

Rasputin cast another spell, and all of a sudden, Gerard, Mikey, Frank, Torgo, Tobey, and Tahani all thawed out and collapsed on the ground. “What just happened?” Torgo asked. “Where are we?”

“Torgo, I have a feeling we’re not in New York anymore,” Gerard said as he looked around at the desolate, frozen landscape.

“No shit, Sherlock,” Mikey muttered.

“Chekov, where are we?” Tahani asked.

“We’re in Glorious Mother Russia - northern Siberia, to be specific,” Chekov said.

“Siberia?!” Tobey exclaimed. “I can’t be in Siberia. I have to go home. New York City needs me. I promised to never forget that with great power comes great responsibility. This is my gift, my curse…”

“Okay, Tobes,” Gerard said. “We get it.”

“Yeah, that’s how I feel about being a vampire,” Frank said. “I’m immortal, super strong, and I’m constantly craving tomato juice…”

Gerard rolled his eyes, and then, imitating Frank’s voice, he whined, “I’m too good at too many things! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful? It’s a fucking curse!”

“It’s freezing out here,” Tahani said as she snuggled up next to Torgo in a desperate attempt to keep warm. “I never thought I’d say this, but this place is even colder than the habitat at the Central Park Zoo that houses my good friends Private, Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski.”

“I don’t like this place either,” Tobey said, clinging to Gerard and Frank. “No pizza, no wisdom from Aunt May, no skyscrapers to swing from…”

“It’s not like you were going to sling too many webs anyways,” Frank said as he took Tobey’s right hand.

“Hey, I still have my other wrist,” Tobey said, but Frank was right. Now that his right spinneret was gone, he would have to be more careful when he was fighting crime around the neighborhood.

But first, he had to get back home.

“I feel ice cold hands ripping into my heart,” Mikey said overdramatically, and all of a sudden, Rasputin magically created brightly colored parkas, ski goggles, and snow boots for everyone.

“This should protect you against the cold Siberian winters,” Rasputin said as Torgo gleefully twirled in a circle.

“Yeah, but how are we going to get back to New Jersey, the greatest state in all of America?” Frank asked.

Before Rasputin could answer, Waluigi II: The Seqwaaahhhhl materialized out of absolutely nowhere. As everyone stopped to admire the mulberry milkman, the purple cherries, Buffalo Wah Wings, The Secret Identity of the Wii Fit Trainer, he announced his presence the only way he knew how.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Meanwhile, in an old fishing boat held together by duct tape and prayers, Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes floated across the Arctic Ocean. “So that shield…” Bucky said, looking absolutely nothing like Timothée Chalamet as he fixed his eyes upon the ridiculously patriotic piece of vibranium.

“I’m throwing it into the sea,” Sam said.

Sam has made the decision as soon as Steve gave him the shield. Instead of letting a trash human like John Walker have it, Sam had decided to travel back in time, sail to the furthest corner of the Earth, and throw Captain America’s shield into the Arctic Ocean. Sam still didn’t feel like the shield belonged to him, didn’t feel like he deserved this, didn’t feel like he was the right person to continue Captain America’s legacy, so instead of becoming the new Cap, he would do what he thought was right. He would return the shield from whence it came.

Bucky, however, was there to make sure that never happened. When he laid his eyes on the shield for the first time all those years ago, when he saw those concentric circles, that red, white, and blue color scheme, that beautiful star, he fell in love at first sight. Every time he watched Steve fight with the shield, his heart beat just a little bit faster, and now that Sam had it, Bucky swooned every time the good-looking guy in the sunglasses held the vibranium shield in his hands. The shield was the closest thing he had left to a family, and if Sam did what he said he was going to do, if he littered the ocean with Captain America’s iconic weapon, he would have nothing left.

All of a sudden, Sam picked up the shield, and as Bucky thought about just how beautiful he looked with it, how perfectly the colors of the American flag complemented his outfit, Sam flung it into the ocean.

“No!” Bucky screamed as he launched himself into the air, hoping to catch the shield before it fell into the water. However, the semi-stable centenarian wasn’t fast enough. The shield tumbled into the icy water, but to Sam’s astonishment, it gently floated on top of the water, the star pointing up toward the sky as it bobbed up and down with the waves.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Sam said as Bucky reached into the water, picked up the shield, smiled adorably, and handed it back to him.

As Sam contemplated bashing Bucky in the head with the shield, Bucky looked out into the distance, and he saw something rather troubling.

Spider-Man was wandering across the icy landscape, reading a copy of the Daily Comrade. “Gerard, look at this,” he said to a man in a blue parka. “They’re saying that Spider-Man attacked an innocent furry, but the furry was Jacob Black, a notorious pedophile and all-around terrible person. That’s slander!”

“That kid scares me,” Bucky said before ogling Captain America’s shield once again.

Back on land, everyone gathered around to bow down to the Artful Waahdger, the Debonair Aubergine, the Mulberry Messiah. “Let me get this straight,” Frank said. “There’s a top secret Nintendo subsidiary office in Siberia?”

“Wah,” Waluigi said affirmatively.

“And you’re going to prank them every day until you get included as a playable character in Smash?” Gerard said. “That is the best idea I’ve ever heard, you squalid snake.”

“Waaaaaah.”

“Is there any way we can help?” Torgo asked.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaah,” Waluigi said before gesturing for the others to follow him. Torgo, Gerard, Frank, Tahani, Mikey, Tobey, Chekov, Rasputin, and Waluigi all ran over to the Nintendo Russia headquarters, and they waited at the door, the pearly purple prankster armed with a coconut cream pie.

All of a sudden, the door swung open, and Waluigi slammed the pie into the face of an unsuspecting game developer. “Waah!” Waluigi cried as the Nintendo employee cleaned the pie off of her face.

“No Waluigi, we’re still not putting you in Smash,” the game developer said.

“WAaAaAaaAaaaAaAaAAAaAAAaAaAAaaaaaHhhhHhh!!” Waluigi complained.

However, just before the game developer shut the door, Tobey spotted something strange, even stranger than Vladmir Putin riding by on a bear. Hiding inside his cubicle, there was a game developer wearing a black trenchcoat. He didn’t seem to notice Tobey as he edited the source code for the latest Super Smash Bros. game, but the web-slinger knew exactly who he was the second he spotted the four tentacles hanging over the back of his ergonomic office chair.

Doctor Octopus had returned once again.

“I thought he threw himself into the sea,” Tobey said, confused.

“I can't believe he committed suicide,” Torgo said. “I cannot believe he committed suicide. How could he have done this, how could he have committed suicide?”

“Wah,” Waluigi said, sadness filling Wahnston Churchill’s heart.

“Don’t worry, Waluigi,” Tahani said. “We’ll help you prank Nintendo Russia.”

“Waaaah?” Waluigi said hopefully.

“Yeah, as the best character in Mario, you deserve to experience Super Smash Bros. in all of its not-even-remotely-OSHA-compliant glory,” Mikey said.

As everyone else planned out how to prank Nintendo, Gerard spotted a boat floating in the distance, and on board, there was a sad, 106-year-old man. The lead singer of MCR walked over to the shore and then leapt onto the fishing boat, landing right next to the man with the vibranium arm.

“Hi Bucky,” Gerard said. “I’m Gerard Way, and I’m a really huge fan of yours - I’ve been reading Captain America comics since I was a kid - and I was wondering if you could sign my sketchbook…”

“I know who you are,” Bucky said as he reluctantly took Gerard’s sketchbook and signed it.

“Really?” Gerard said.

“Listening to My Chemical Romance was on Steve’s to-do list,” Bucky said. “I prefer 40s songs like 'Pistol Packin’ Mama,' 'Chattanooga Choo-Choo,' and 'All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,' but Steve loved you guys. He would stay up all night, listening to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge on repeat…”

“It sounds like you really like him,” Gerard said, dreaming of the many, many hurt/comfort Stucky fics bookmarked on his AO3 account.

“I do,” Bucky said, dreaming of Steve charging into battle with that vibranium shield, using those beautiful stars and stripes to defend himself against aliens, androids, and wizards. “But Steve’s gone now.”

“Oh, Bucky,” Gerard said as he gave the Winter Soldier a hug. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’ll be okay, Gerard,” Bucky said, his eyes fixated on the most gorgeous shield known to man. “Steve may have left me for Peggy Carter, but his shield will carry on.”

“Did he pass it on or anything? I don’t like the idea of living in a world without Captain America.”

“He did. It belongs to Sam now.”

“Where is Sam anyways?” Gerard asked, looking around for a man in a winged suit.

“He flew off to find a better place to throw the shield into the ocean,” Bucky said sadly, thinking about how cool it would be if Sam got an epic training montage with that shield, the world’s most attractive weapon flying around like a sexy boomerang.

“I know I’m a Stucky shipper, but Sam and Bucky might be cute together too…” Gerard mumbled to himself as he looked around for the Falcon.

“What did you just say?” Bucky asked.

“Nothing,” Gerard said. “But Bucky, don’t be afraid to keep on living. You’re the broken glass in the morning light. You lit the fire, and it’s burning bright. Don’t let them take you alive, because the world will never take your heart.”

Bucky nodded, grateful for the emo vocalist’s wise advice. He looked toward the shield one last time, his heart pounding as soon as he saw those patriotic colors, and he knew exactly what he would do when Sam returned.

Meanwhile, at Nintendo’s Russian office, Waluigi and his friends waited outside the door, a cream pie in Upside Down Luigi’s hands. When an unsuspecting game developer once again opened the door, Ol’ Swirly Stache, The Dread of the Deep slammed the pie into her face, screaming, “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!”

“Yeah, no,” the game developer said. “We can’t put you in Smash. You’re just an annoying evil twin knockoff of Luigi who became a highly overrated Internet meme for some reason.”

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh,” Waluigi lamented.

“Don’t you dare insult my good friend Waluigi!” Tahani said as she tossed another pie at the game developer.

“Seriously?” she said as she attempted to clean the pie off of her face. However, before she could do so, My Chemical Romance arrived at the office, and the gods of rock brought down the house with an electrifying performance of one of the greatest songs of all time.

Every snowflake's different just like you
Every snowflake's different just like you
I'll sing about it if you ask me to
Ask me to
Different shape and different size
Like every star up in the sky
Every snowflake's different just like you

The game developer was so incensed by the impromptu concert that when Rasputin and Chekov arrived, dancing the kazachok, she gave Russia’s greatest love machine a glass of poisoned wine. Rasputin immediately downed it all, still dancing as he did so, and once he’d drank it all, he said, “I feel fine.”

Angered by Rasputin’s miraculous survival, the game developer called in several of her coworkers, and they all beat Rasputin to a pulp. However, even after they had pummeled Rasputin for what felt like forever, with practically no resistance from the mad monk (although Chekov certainly attempted to defend his boyfriend), he was still alive. The Nintendo employees then all pulled out gigantic machine guns and shot Rasputin until he was dead, but somehow, after all of that, he still survived.

“I give up,” the game developer said as Rasputin drank vodka and lusted after the Russian navigator.

All of a sudden, Frank’s stomach growled. “I’m starving,” he said to Tobey. “I want to suck your...tomatoes! Get me some tomatoes!”

Tobey swung into the Nintendo office at ludicrous speed, and when he landed inside, he swiped some pizzas away from Dr. Octavius. “Whoa!” the guy in the next cubicle over said. “He stole that guy’s pizzas!”

“Sorry, Dr. Octavius, but my boyfriend needs to eat,” Tobey said.

“Can’t he eat borscht instead?” someone else suggested.

“Who even are you?” the eight-armed doctor asked.

“I’m Spider-Man,” Tobey said before swinging over to Frank and handing him his pizzas. “Pizza time.”

As Frank gobbled up his pizza, Tobey swooped his hair into an emo fringe, and he did his glorious emo dance once again. Gerard’s jaw dropped the second he saw his boyfriend’s so-bad-it’s-amazing finger snaps and hip gyrations, his inner goddess overcome by love, passion, discombobulation, and uncontrollable lust for the emo Spider-Man. However, the Nintendo employees were not nearly so enthralled by Tobey’s dance moves.

“Oh God,” one of them said, while another burst out laughing at Tobey’s seemingly random finger guns.

“It’s so lame,” another one said.

“I can’t watch this.”

“My eyes are bleeding!”

“WE’LL DO ANYTHING! JUST MAKE IT STOP!!”

“Will you put Waluigi in Smash?” Tobey asked, the lord of the emo dance still busy driving that funky soul.

“We’ll even give him his own game!” the game developer shouted.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,” Waluigi said.

“He wants to know if you can make a Waluigi live action mystery game starring Brian David Gilbert,” Gerard translated.

“Sure,” the game developer said. “Just stop dancing!”

Tobey stopped dancing, and everyone celebrated. Thanks to Tahani, Torgo, Gerard, Mikey, Frank, Chekov, Rasputin, and Tobey, Waluigi finally had his own plot-based Mario game, and at last, the Russian game developers were finally free from the torturous experience of watching Tobey Maguire’s emo dance.

All they had to do now was figure out how to get back to New York.

Meanwhile, at sea, Sam and Bucky were in the middle of a staring contest. Sam, for one, didn’t mind gazing into Bucky’s soul, as much of a confused mess as it often was, and as for Bucky, he could stare into the eyes of the new owner of Captain America’s shield all day long.

“Why are you going to give up that shield?” Bucky finally asked.

“Why are you even here?” Sam retorted.

“You let me come.”

“Because you wouldn’t get off my boat!”

“Because you were going to throw away that shield like it’s nothing!”

Sam sighed and then said, “Maybe you’re not going to understand, Bucky, but can’t you at least accept that I’m doing the right thing? The legacy of the shield is...complicated, to say the least, and maybe I’m better off as Falcon...”

Bucky was staring at the shield once again, and he’d long since drifted off into a fantasy world, a world with just him and Captain America’s shield, taking long vacations together, going on romantic dinner dates, buying each other flowers, watching the sunset, falling in love.

“Bucky,” Sam said. “My eyes are up here.”

“Sorry,” Bucky said as he tore his eyes away from the shield. “It’s just...I can’t let you throw the shield into the sea. It’s everything Steve stood for. It’s his legacy.”

“It’s none of your goddamn business, Buck.”

“Of course it’s my goddamn business. That shield is everything to me.”

“Well, if it’s so important to you, then why didn’t you and Steve tell me what you were planning? Why didn’t you ask me if I wanted to be the next Captain America? And why on Earth do you still listen to ‘Chi-Baba, Chi-Baba (My Bambino Go to Sleep)?’”

“Shut up, Sam.”

“You shut up first,” Sam said. “Admit it, Buck. You have no idea what you’re doing, and you’re only here to talk me out of what’s possibly the best decision I’ve ever made in my life…”

“I’m here because I’m in love with you,” Bucky blurted out.

“Wait, what?” Sam said. “That’s a joke, right? You’re just messing with me again.”

“No, it’s not a joke,” Bucky said, even though his eyes had drifted back toward the vibranium shield again. Sam was gorgeous, of course, but wouldn’t he be even more beautiful if he was wielding that shield?

“Are you sure? Because it sounded an awful lot like a joke. It sounded like you were just taking advantage of how I feel about you.”

“I thought you hated me.”

“I like you, Bucky. I have for a long time...”

Before Sam could say anything else, a Plot Hole opened up in the distance, and a familiar hero tumbled out of it. “Another one of those spider things?” Sam said. “Really?”

“There’s two of them?” Bucky said, more annoyed than anything.

“We might want to go investigate,” Sam said as he held onto Bucky with one arm and picked up the shield with the other. As Sam opened up his wings, Bucky picked up anything he might possibly be able to use to defend himself against two arachnid-themed superheroes, and the dynamic duo took to the skies, ready to battle some spiders together.

Back on land, Tom Holland landed on the cold, hard, Siberian ground, and much to his annoyance, Frank Iero and Tobey Maguire had just swung in next to him. “Everything okay, Mini-Me?” Tobey asked as Tom stumbled to his feet.

“Yeah, I think so,” Tom said as a lifejacket came flying at him from above. “I just have a lot of questions. Like what are you doing here? Ooh, are you on a field trip to Russia? I wish my school would take me to Russia. I’ve always wanted to see the Kremlin and wear one of those tall, furry hats…”

“I’m not in school anymore, and even if I was, I wouldn’t be able to afford to go on vacation,” Tobey explained. “Chekov tried to fly us home on the USSR Enterprise, but we crash landed here instead. By the way, is there any chance you could take us back to New York?”

Tom didn’t respond - instead, he stared at Frank’s fangs and sparkly skin. “Are you a vampire now?” he said disbelievingly.

“Yes I am, Tim Hammond, and if you ever illegally download I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love, Gerard will come to your house and suck your blood! I’m a vegetarian, so I’ll just suck your tomatoes,” Frank said as he smiled and sparkled like Bolan in the morning sun.

“It’s Tom Holland, not Tim Hammond,” Tom said as he narrowly dodged the gigantic knife that someone had just thrown at him. “And are you ever going to give me my dog back?”

“No,” Frank said.

“So what are you doing here anyways?” Tobey asked the younger Spider-Man.

“The Ghost of Mr. Stark told me to give you this,” Tom said. He ducked to avoid a flying anchor and then slid a mechanical device onto Tobey’s right wrist.

“Are these your web shooters?” Tobey said, amazed by Tom’s spidery weaponry.

“Mr. Stark made some upgrades, but technically, the web fluid is my design,” Tom explained. “It’s made from carbon tetrachloride, potassium carbonate, salicylic acid…”

“Salicylic acid?” Tobey said. “Isn’t that a skincare product?”

“That’s just one of the many advantages of synthetic webbing. It doubles an anti-acne treatment.”

Tobey rolled his eyes and then attempted to pry the web shooter off of his wrist. “I can’t accept this, Mini-Me,” he said.

“Why not?” Tom asked.

“I already owe you too many favors. How am I ever going to repay you for this?”

“You don’t need to repay me, Tobey,” Tom said, but before he could say anything else, a bucket of fish came flying toward him.

“Did you know that buckets were invented in Russia?” Chekov said as Tom webbed it up, threw it into the ocean, and then looked around in a desperate attempt to figure out who was attacking him.

Of course, it was the Falcon and the Winter Soldier, flying high above the Siberian landscape. “Sam! Bucky!” Gerard exclaimed as the metal bird man and the 106-year-old held each other close. “Please don’t hurt my friends!”

“Okay, but Spider-Man has got to be one of the whiniest superheroes out there,” Sam said as he landed next to Gerard.

“Finally! Someone who agrees with me!” Frank exclaimed.

“Spider-Man is a menace, isn’t he?” Bucky said.

“I take offense to that!” Tom and Tobey both said in unison.

“Listen up, you two. Tobey and Tom are just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Men,” Gerard said to Bucky and Sam, but he could sense that something had changed between them. “Aww!” he exclaimed. “You two got together! How cute.”

“Yeah, I guess we did,” Sam said as he gazed into Bucky’s eyes, his love for the man with the metal arm growing with every second they spent together.

As Gerard fanboyed over Sam/Bucky finally becoming canon, Tom glanced back toward Tobey’s new web shooter. “Why don’t you give it a try?” he said.

“Uhh...okay,” Tobey said as he stretched his right arm out in front of him.

“You should get the hang of it pretty quickly. After all, you and I are not so different.”

“Go web!” Tobey shouted as everyone looked on in total awe, but absolutely nothing happened. “Fly! Up, up, and away, web! Shazam! Go! Go! Go web, go!”

All of a sudden, a web shot out of the wrist-mounted device, flying through the cold, Siberian air…

And right onto Tom Holland’s face.

“These are the least user-friendly web shooters I have ever seen,” Tobey said as Tom tried to pull the web off of his face.

“I’m sorry they’re not good enough for you, but I was trying to help…” Tom said, but all of a sudden, he froze. “My Peter Tingles are tingling.”

“Your Peter Tingles?” Tobey said, but his Spider-Sense was going off too.

Suddenly, another Plot Hole appeared, and a man with a fishbowl helmet and a cape stepped out. “Mysterio?!” Tom shouted. “He followed me!”

“I thought Mysterio was dead,” Bucky said as Sam flew toward the supervillain and tossed Captain America’s shield toward him.

Tobey was about to join in the fight, but all of a sudden, Waluigi’s character design finished rendering at the Nintendo office, and the sublime beauty of the mauve master of tennis caused the entire office to spontaneously combust. However, there was one survivor, a man with four mechanical tentacles fused to his spine, and the mad doctor was out for blood.

“Spider-Man,” Doc Ock said. “I see that you’re not Russian to kill me quite yet.”

“If we must fight, then Soviet,” Tobey retorted before sprinting toward the mad scientist and slinging webs at him.

The good guys decided to split up - Tom, Sam, Bucky, Rasputin, and Chekov took on the master of illusions, while Tobey, Tahani, and the members of MCR got their revenge on Doc Ock.

“Where’s Waluigi?” Tobey asked as he dodged another one of Doc Ock’s tentacles.

“I think he went back to Forks already. He got what he wanted from us,” Tahani said, furiously hitting the eight-armed supervillain with a baseball bat.

All of a sudden, three more Plot Holes opened up, and the Green Goblin, Electro, and Andrew Garfield all fell out.

“Once I kill Spider-Man, there will be nothing stopping me from taking over the world, becoming a god, killing all humans, blowing up the Earth, and jaywalking across every street in the Tri-State Area!” the Green Goblin said. “Nyehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.”

“Oh, thank goodness you guys are here,” Andrew muttered as he stumbled to his feet. “Electro mysteriously came back to life and destroyed Grinnogwarts, and now, Snape, Gandalf, Creedence Leonore Gielgud, and I have nowhere to go…”

“Wait, your dead supervillains are coming back to life too?” Tobey said as he arm-wrestled Doc Ock while dodging one of the Green Goblin’s pumpkin bombs.

“What the fu-?!” Tom shouted before yet another Plot Hole opened up, and not one, not two, but six Spider-People fell onto the frosty ground.

“Where are we?” Spider-Gwen asked.

“I told you already,” Noir said. “Gatsby sent us to the future.”

“Sure doesn’t look like the future,” Miles remarked as soon as he noticed all of the emo haircuts and flip phones and the complete lack of Post Malone playing in the background.

“Hey, at least Kingpin and his enforcers haven’t found this place yet,” Peter B. Parker said.

“Wasn’t that guy supposed to be dead?” Gwen said.

“Does anyone know if there are any hotdogs in Glorious Mother Russia?” Spider-Ham asked.

“I’d rather have an egg cream,” Noir said.

“OH MY NARUTO!” Peni suddenly screamed. “It’s Magic Coffee Coffee Gerard-sensei! Notice me, senpai!”

Gerard’s jaw dropped the second he saw Peni Parker and SP//dr. “But...I invented you!” he said. “I don’t believe this. I don’t believe in you. How are you even here?!”

“Holy Cowboy BeBop!” Peni exclaimed. “Senpai noticed me!”

Amongst all of this chaos, Tobey only had one question on his mind.

“Where do all these guys come from?”