Archive of Our Own ^beta

6:00 am. Bright and early. Just once, you would like to sleep in. Rolling over you see Shane facing away from you. Strange, he usually woke up right around when you did. Reaching out you touch the small of his back, pulling your hand away when he flinches. It's fine, you tell yourself, he's just not used to being touched. It's been a while since he was friendly with anyone who wasn't family. The phrases do nothing for your anxiety. He's never rejected your touch. In fact, he constantly seeks you out just to brush a hand through your hair or rasp his stubble against your cheek.

"Shane? Honey, you okay?" You mumble out sleepily. He's up and out of bed before you can brush the sleep from your eyes. Left alone in the bed you suddenly don't want to sleep in anymore.

By the time you're dressed Shane is gone. Not uncommon for a Monday, he usually likes walking through the forest near Marnie's ranch. But something in you tells you this time is different. After taking care of the animals and crops you squint up at the sun. Just after 9. Time to go buy more seeds from Pierre.

After spending most of the day chatting with Pierre, checking the crab pots in the river next to Lewis' house, and fishing for a perch for Clint you decide to walk by Marnie's to see if maybe Shane had stopped by.

"Sorry hun. I haven't seen Shane in a while. If he didn't have his chickens in the barn I doubt I'd ever get to see him. He loves it at your farm." Marnie frowns apologetically, speaking to you while leaning on the fence on break from milking the cows. You thank her and wander off, meandering through the forest in the hopes of seeing Shane.

On a hunch you go to the cliff above the ranch. Shane is sat there on the edge, feet dangling and head tilted towards the sky. You approach softly, not wanting to startle him. His shoulders are shaking and you'd think it was laughter if you didn't know better. His dark eyes are shiny and he barely turns his head to look at you when you sit next to him. The sun is just beginning to set, casting an orange glow over the both of you.

"Fuck.." He sobs out just before you're about to open your mouth. He's swiping furiously at his eyes, leaving tear tracks on his cheeks.

"I thought it would get better, you know? I don't work at that hellhole anymore, I'm married to a beautiful hardworking compassionate woman, and I even have the energy to start working out again. But it still feels hopeless. I still feel like the same piece of garbage that I was when we first met. I still feel no reason not to jump off this cliff right now." He turns to look at you then, a broken laugh that sounds more like a hiccup falling from his lips. His hair is windswept and for a moment you don't say anything and just run your fingers through it. Your heart aches to see him like this.

"Shane...I can't say I understand. I've never felt that way. For me, life's monotony in this valley is what keeps me grounded. It has purpose. You and the farm are what get me out of bed in the morning." You lean your head on his shoulder and he shoves you roughly. For a split second you almost lose your balance before catching yourself. The horrified expression on his face is enough to break you open.

"That's not enough for me!" He shouts roughly.

"Nothing is ever enough for me," he adds with a bitter laugh. "I have everything a person could want and I still push it away. What's the point of being happy if you're just going to stay miserable through it?"

Hesitantly you reach out again, telegraphing your movements and giving him the chance to push your hand away. When your palm touches his cheek he leans into it so heavily he almost falls backward.

"I'm here. And you are. And sometimes it doesn't feel like it's getting better but it is. And I'll keep saying it until you believe it. You're not going anywhere." You lean your foreheads together, his muffled whimpers slowly receding as the sun sets around you. His answering smile wavers, but it's undeniably happy. You can't help but kiss him softly under the stars.