Chapter Text
"peace" by Taylor Swift
Our coming-of-age has come and gone
Suddenly, this summer, it's clear
RPOV
I didn't have much time.
I had to make this decision quickly. I had no idea how much longer my mom and dad would be gone on their hunting trip, and once my dad was in close proximity, I knew he would hear my thoughts and try to change my mind.
Was this really what I wanted to do?
Yes… and also no.
Yes, I had to. I couldn't keep sitting here in my misery.
For the fourteen years of my life, which now left me stuck as a 20-something-year-old, everyone fawned over me. I was tired of living up to the expectations, especially now… I couldn't be the person everyone expected me to be. I felt caged here sometimes – like my entire life was already decided for me and now I wasn't living up to those plans.
I needed to get away. Away from the memories made in Forks, away from the skeptical glances in La Push, away from my family's pity-filled eyes. I wanted to explore the world outside of Washington. Maybe I could visit some of my other vampire friends around the world and learn about their cultures and different ways of life. It didn't matter where I went, really. I just needed to figure out who I was now. I was having, what humans would call, an existential crisis, maybe?
I thought about what my parents would say if I had the guts to face them before I left. I liked to think that my mom would be understanding… She would just miss me and would ask if I wanted her to come, too. My dad would probably get angry with worry and demand that we all go together instead of me going alone.
But that was the point – I had to go alone. I needed time with just myself. Time to breathe, be independent, figure myself out, deal with the insurmountable grief that was drowning me.
I graduated college with my first bachelor's degree a couple years ago – I double majored in English Literature and Gender and Sexuality Studies. I studied the misogyny in Jane Eyre one minute and the oppression of women the next.
Maybe that's where some of my current angst and sense of adventure was coming from – I wanted to be one of the empowered, independent, and self-sufficient women I'd read and studied about. I never craved any of that before, but I wanted it now. Maybe that's how I could find some solitude and healing?
Ugh, no one would let me go alone if I told them my plan. I had to make a hurried, rash decision.
But, before I chose one way or the other, I had one more person to consider in all of this – the most important person. It was the person I'd been careful not to think about yet…
Jacob.
My Jacob…
I didn't want to be like my mom, risking everything for love that might fail. That was a decision that worked out well for her, but I didn't want her life. I'd done enough damage to Jacob, and I didn't want to hurt him anymore. Plus, didn't I get a say in who I wanted to be with? It felt like fate decided it from the moment I was born. I never even had a chance to decide my own path, my own destiny, figure out my own desires.
None of that meant I didn't love Jacob… Because I did. He was my best friend, my favorite person. Everything I had was his, including my heart. But that's why I had to leave. I just kept hurting him because I couldn't give him –
I shut that thought down right away. That was a very dangerous path to travel down. That thought trail led to the soul-crushing pain and agony from the grief and my unforgivable mistake.
I shook my head and took a deep breath, trying to refocus and not think of the gut-wrenching, earth-shattering trauma.
Maybe my pain was clouding my judgement on my relationship with Jacob. I just couldn't make sense of anything right now, probably because of the overwhelming pain that always lingered over me nowadays.
I had no idea how me leaving would affect Jacob. Had an imprintee ever left their imprinter? Ugh, just thinking about it that way made it feel like he had some kind of claim on me. I didn't want to live under the same spell that haunted Emily, Kim, and Rachel, always at my husband's beck and call. "Haunted" was probably a strong word; they were all nauseatingly happy, and I was just bitter nowadays. I was the only one that struggled with the imprinting magic, and I only started grappling with it recently. And, plus, they were human which meant they could have normal human lives with their imprinters…
I was becoming incredibly bitter, envious, and hopeless.
I also didn't like the unspoken responsibility I would have as the Alpha's imprintee… I couldn't live up to those expectations. Not after everything that happened… Not after the comments I heard Kim saying to Emily… Not after my conversation with my Aunt Rosalie… Not after the turmoil I put Jacob through, causing him to defend and protect me against his pack members. I just wasn't the right fit for that part of Jacob's life.
From all the legends and stories I'd heard, no imprintee had ever refused the bond from their imprinter. But, then again, those stories were all about humans and shapeshifters. There weren't any shapeshifter and half human/half vampire stories. And maybe there shouldn't be… I cared so much about Jacob, but he also needed this separation whether he could admit it or not…
Everything was such a disordered, perplexing web of chaos in my mind. Is that what clinical depression felt like?
I sighed. Probably.
Then I asked myself: would I be truly happy staying here forever in my overwhelming grief, never having time to myself – to figure out who I really am, what I really need – separate from my family and Jacob?
The answer was no.
Okay, my decision was made.
I couldn't waste any more time. I scrambled up from my bed and ran to the hall closet. There had to be some luggage around here. I couldn't risk going back to my house… I probably wouldn't have enough time and being in my little home that I shared with Jacob would probably make me change my mind about leaving. My Grandma Esme had restored a tiny little cabin for Jacob and me last year – it was in between my family's main house and La Push.
Lately, Jacob had been insistent on me coming to my family's house during his patrol shifts. He wouldn't say it, but I knew he was afraid he would come home and see me plummeting back into the dark, undefeatable depression that I'd slumped into recently. He thought being around my family while he was away would help. Today was the first day I'd been alone in about a month.
I pulled out a duffel bag from the closet and hauled it back to my room, thinking about how I was thankful my Aunt Alice's talent was immune to seeing my decisions. I was sure I would have eight vampires stampeding through the cottage's front door right now if she could see the choice I was making. But could Alice see everyone else finding out the news about me leaving tonight? She couldn't see my future, but she could see everyone else's…
Shit. I needed to hurry.
I opened the duffel bag and filled it up with as many clothes as I could manage. I was thankful that Alice kept my closet stocked at my parent's house, too. I didn't fully know where I was going yet, so I packed for all climates.
I ran into the bathroom and grabbed the few toiletries I needed, throwing them on top. I quickly zipped up the bag then grabbed a backpack from my closet. I threw in my laptop, a journal, a few books, my headphones, and my chargers. I ran into my parents' room and into their closet. I opened the small safe and pulled out my passport. I shoved that, along with my small purse, on top and zipped the backpack up.
I scrambled over to my desk. I pulled out a sticky note pad from the drawer and wrote: Went home to see Jake. Be back later. I tore off the note and walked into the living room, sticking it to the coffee table. I didn't want to risk texting or calling my parents just yet. That made me remember something else. I pulled my phone out of my purse, opened my settings, and turned off my location and Find My iPhone.
I paused as I looked around my childhood room. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I felt guilty for leaving so hastily, not telling anyone goodbye. But I knew if I did, I would change my mind, or, worse, someone would insist on coming with me.
I slung my backpack and duffel bag over my shoulder and made my way to the front door. That's when I realized I forgot to consider something…
All our cars were at the main house in the garage. Damn it.
Welp, I guess I was running with my luggage and attempting to pull a suicide mission while launching my luggage into a car and trying to leave before anyone heard me. Good luck with that, I told myself.
Or, I could just say that I am going for a drive to La Push. I could put my bags in the trunk first, as quickly as possible, then talk to whoever happened to come into the garage upon my arrival. And if I got caught with the luggage? I could say I'm donating some of my old clothes to Goodwill. That could work… But would Uncle Jasper be able to tell I was lying by my emotional state?
Geez, a normal person would be able to sneak out without so many quirky relatives.
I secured my backpack around both shoulders and hugged my duffel bag to my chest with ease. I locked the cottage's door behind me then started sprinting toward the main house as quickly as I could. The trees blurred past me as I ran.
There were two things I still needed to figure out – where I was going and how/when I was going to let my family know what I was doing.
I had to get to the airport and maybe be boarding a plane before telling my family anything without them trying to come after me. Okay, I needed to figure out a destination first…
I could go visit the Denali clan. No, that wasn't far enough away, and they would just try to convince me to go back home.
Then I decided immediately – I would visit Zafrina, Senna, and Kachiri in South America. I should have booked my flight before leaving, but I would just have to do it once I got on the road to the airport. I hadn't seen Zafrina since I was much younger, but she and I became really great friends.
I slowed my running once I made it through the trees. I walked as casually as possible to the garage on the side of the house. I entered the code on the touch screen lock pad and watched the garage door open way too slowly. I unlocked my dad's Volvo and opened the trunk. I threw my bags in quickly.
Just as I closed the trunk, I heard the garage door, that was connected to the house, open.
"Nessie!" Aunt Alice sang as she pranced over to me and planted a kiss on my cheek.
Of course she would be the one to come greet me. "Hi, Aunt Alice," I said with a forced smile, trying to be nonchalant.
She eyed me skeptically then leaned down to whisper in my ear. "I don't know what you're doing exactly, but I can see everyone in our family really upset later tonight… And I think it has something to do with you leaving or going somewhere?"
I swallowed as I turned to look at her after she lifted her head back up. "Please don't say anything," I barely whispered, unsure if anyone was nearby and could hear us. "I promise I'll be back soon."
"Where are you going?" She demanded. "You know your father will kill me if I let you just leave!"
Maybe I wasn't going to be able to escape. All she had to do was call the names of my other family members, and they would be here in seconds to physically stop me. I felt tears fill my eyes.
"Alice, please," I pled. "I have to get away. I'm not doing anything dangerous. Just please let me go. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions. I just… can't be here any longer right now."
She studied my face for a moment. I saw her expression soften. "You'd better take my Porsche, then; it's faster and the tank is full. I don't know how long I'll be able to stall."
I lunged myself forward and hugged her tightly. "Thank you!"
She walked to the front of the garage, plucked her keys off the hook, and threw them to me. I grabbed my bags from the Volvo's trunk and put them in the Porsche. I walked to the driver's side and paused by the door.
"Did you tell anyone?" Alice asked.
I shook my head sheepishly.
"Jacob?" She asked, eyebrows raising in surprise.
"No… I'm going to call him and my mom and dad once I'm on the plane or after I land… I guess you can pick your car up at the airport in Seattle."
She frowned. "Are you sure you've thought this through? You know what you're doing?"
"No," I replied honestly. "But I have to go, despite the unknowns."
She walked toward me and hugged me again. "Be very, very safe and call one of us if you need something, anything, Do you promise?"
"I promise."
She gave me a stiff nod then disappeared back through the garage door and into the main house. I was dumbfounded for a second. Did she really just give me a window to leave? She wasn't going to coax me into staying?
I didn't have time to mull the interaction over any further. I jumped into the car, quickly backed out of the garage and started speeding toward the Seattle airport, which was about three hours away. I just hoped Alice could stall long enough.
. . . . . . . .
I pulled into the long-term parking lot at the airport and made my way inside. I checked my duffel bag and retrieved my boarding passes. I booked my flight as I was driving. My first flight left in less than an hour. I had to fly to Denver first, then I had a layover for a couple hours before flying into Panama. In Panama, I would stay the night before flying into Asunción, Paraguay.
I called Zafrina while I was driving. She was excited for my visit, and said I was welcome to visit them as long as I wished. She told me to call her once I landed in Asunción and she would give me information on where we could meet. She warned me that she and her sisters lived very rustically, not nearly as civilized as my family. The Amazon Coven didn't usually interact with humans, except for when feeding.
I told her I wasn't opposed to her lifestyle and was just grateful to have the opportunity to visit. She told me it would be best for me to have a hotel room since they did not have proper accommodations for sleeping and other human-ish needs. So, I also arranged for hotel rooms in Panama and Asunción while I drove.
I made it through airport security. I only had to wait about 15 minutes at my gate before boarding my first flight to Denver. I would call my family once I landed. Denver was far enough away that they wouldn't be able to get to me before I got on the flight to Panama.
Alice must have been holding down the fort well because no one had called or messaged me as I settled into my window seat on the plane. I switched my phone to Airplane Mode, pulled out a book from my backpack, and settled in for the three-hour flight. I tried not to think about what I'd just decided to do – runaway from home, essentially… I felt guilt mixed with giddy. Guilt because I loved my family and didn't want to hurt them. Giddy because I was doing something solely for me, completely by myself, for the first time in my life.
But the empty seat next to me made me ache for my favorite person, the one that would be next to me if everything was the way it should be, if the world wasn't such a fucked-up place.
Chapter 2
Notes:
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"peace" by Taylor Swift
I never had the courage in my convictions
As long as danger is near
And it's just around the corner, darling
'Cause it lives in me
No, I could never give you peace
RPOV
My flight landed in Denver right on time. I had a two-hour layover before boarding my flight to Panama. Once I landed in Panama, I would stay the night there before traveling to Asunción. I needed to learn how to use Google Translate on my phone, or some other app, because my Spanish was minimal, and Asuncenos also speak Guarani, which I am completely unfamiliar with.
I exited the plane, read the monitor to find my next gate and trekked through the airport. I found my next gate easily then looked around for a somewhat secluded, isolated area. I found a corner that was decently far away from others. I sat down and flung my backpack into the seat next to me.
I took a deep breath, feeling anxiety flood my nervous system, as I switched Airplane Mode off on my phone. My stomach knotted. I felt queasy as I watched the notifications pop up – six unread text messages, two voicemails, and seven missed calls. I swallowed as I opened my messages first.
The first three were from Jacob:
Hey, Ness! Just taking a break to check on you. Were you able to get some more sleep once you got to your parents' house this morning?
I love you!
Nessie, what's going on? You left town? Everyone's freaking out. I'm really worried. Call me back.
Two were in the large group chat with all my family members:
I read the message from my Aunt Rosalie: Nessie, I can't believe you left without telling us! Are you okay?
I know you're going through so much, darling. Just be safe and please come home soon. We all love you, the text from my Grandma Esme said.
Then I had one from just my mom: Renesmee, call me back when your flight lands, sweetie. Your dad and I are not mad. We just want to know you're safe. We love you.
I clicked on my voicemails and held my phone up to my ear to listen to the first one from Jacob from two hours ago: "Hey, Nessie. Your mom just called and said that you left town? You haven't responded to any of my messages today either. What's going on? Call me back as soon as you can. I'm really worried. I'll come meet you wherever you are… I love you so much, Ness. Bye."
I swallowed the huge lump in my throat before clicking on the next voicemail from my mom. "Renesmee," I could hear the worry in her tone. "Please call me back as soon as you listen to this. I just want to know what your plan is, sweetie. We won't stop you if you really want to leave for a while… You are an adult, and you can make decisions like this on your own… I love you so much. Bye, baby."
I took a deep breath and clicked on my recent calls with shaky fingers. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, and my body started to feel sweaty. Was I hyperventilating? Was this some sort of panic attack? My heart was pounding, and I still felt incredibly sick to my stomach.
What was I going to say to everyone when I called them back? What was I going to say to… to Jacob? I couldn't tell Jake the entire truth – that I was doing this for him also, that I was not good enough to stand beside him anymore, that I couldn't continue to see the pain in his face every day. The pain that I caused. He was too selfless to even admit that he was suffering too, but I knew him better than that.
What would the wolf pack think now that I was gone? Would most of them be happy? I broke their trust and hurt their brother, their Alpha. Maybe they only tolerated me now because Jacob forced them to… I shuttered at the thought of how that probably caused Jacob's relationships with all of them to be strained. But, regardless of if they still accepted me, I missed them. The pack was my family, too. Or used to be.
I focused on taking a few deep breaths. Before I could chicken out, I tapped Jacob's number and held the phone up to my ear.
He answered right after the second ring. "Nessie?" I could hear the relief in his voice, which made my eyes fill up with tears because I was going to take that relief away soon enough. "Jesus, Ness. I've been so worried! What's going on? Everyone's freaking out. Blondie's beside herself and everyone's fucking pissed at Alice. Your dad wants to kill me because he thinks this is my fault, so same old, same old in that department."
While he talked, I subconsciously reached up with my free hand and fidgeted with the pearl that was attached to the dainty chain around my neck. Jacob gave me this necklace several years ago for my birthday, and I never took it off.
"You're with my family now?" I asked.
"Yes, but I ran outside when I saw that you were calling me. I am far enough away from the house so no one can hear our conversation, if that's what you were trying to avoid by leaving so quickly earlier." He laughed lightheartedly.
"Jake," I said in a serious tone.
He immediately stopped laughing and was quiet for a heartbeat. "What is it, Ness? Where are you? Why are all my instincts screaming that something is wrong?"
"I'm in Denver right now," I answered. "I leave for Panama City in a couple hours. I'm staying the night there, then I'm going to Paraguay. I'm going to visit the Amazon Coven."
Jacob was quiet again. "I'll go home and pack a bag right now. I just have to arrange things with Leah and Embry so they can keep the pack running smoothly. Are we keeping this a secret from your family? Should I –"
"Jacob," I said, my voice cracking. I reached up and wiped the tears that were spilling over with the sleeve of my shirt. "I don't want you to come."
"But why?" He asked, confused. "Ness, it's really not a big deal. Leah will be excited that she gets to boss everyone around for a while."
It wasn't sinking in. "I didn't tell you I was leaving for a reason, Jake… I am doing this alone… I don't want you here with me."
I heard him sigh. "Nessie, is this because of everything that's happened? You know –"
"Jacob, stop," I shook my head, erasing the memories that were bubbling up to the surface from his question. "I just need to be away from everything and everyone for a while… Take a break from everyone, clear my head, and figure things out."
"Why can't I come with you?" He pressed. "You need to get away from me, too?"
I sniffed. "Yes."
"What does that even mean, Ness?" I heard the desperation in his voice. "You need to figure out if you really want us to be together, is that what you're saying?"
I wanted to tell him the truth about how I loved him, how I very much wanted him here with me. Not being with Jacob made me feel physically ill. All my muscles started to ache, like I could feel the hurt in my bones somehow. But he needed this break, too, and I knew he wouldn't be able to understand the truth.
So, I lied to him instead, which made my entire body feel like it was crumbling. "Yes."
"Renesmee," his voice sounded pained. "I… I can't not be with you. You have all of me, I am completely bound to you in the most unbreakable way possible."
"I know, Jake… But you once told me that you would do anything I needed you to do, right? Well, right now, I need you to let me go," my voice cracked again as I felt hot tears rush down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them away, but they kept coming. "I need you to stay there and do what you need to do for the pack and not worry about me. I need you to move forward on your own and give me some space. I need us to take a break from each other."
He was quiet for a long time before choking out, "I'll do anything, be anything you need, Nessie… But I can't move forward without you, and I can't not worry about you. Those things are impossible for me… But I can give you the space and break you need."
"Okay," I replied quietly.
"When will I see you again? Will you let one of your family members meet you there? I just… I have to know that you're physically and emotionally safe. I can't stand the idea of you not being okay and me being so far away. I mean, I know you can hold your own against anyone, but I still worry, especially when it comes to your… emotional state."
"I don't know when I'll be back. I don't really have a solid plan for any of this. And I don't want anyone else with me. I will be okay, Jake. I promise."
"Ness, I have to be honest; I don't know if I can stand to be this far away from you… Every fiber of my being is screaming that I have to find you, be near you… I'm afraid that, when I phase, my instincts will take over and force me to find you. Every part of me needs you," his voice cracked. "Ness, it's like you're my life-force, my pacemaker, the oxygen I breath… Nothing else matters but you."
I was full-on blubbering now. My body was shaking with sobs that I tried to stifle so Jacob couldn't hear them. My cheeks were soaked with my tears and my nose was runny. I saw someone walk by and eye me awkwardly. I self-consciously turned more toward the corner and scrubbed my eyes, begging for the sobs and physical pain to stop.
I had to lie to him again; otherwise, he may not be able to let me have this break. I was quiet for a second as I mustered up the courage and made my voice as steady as possible. "But what if I don't need you?"
As soon as I said the words, my heart shattered into a million little pieces – as if it were glass and I just dropped it onto cold, hard cement. It wasn't true, not really. I loved and needed Jacob, but I couldn't give him what he wanted or needed. I had to say the words to make him stay where he belonged – far away from me. I was broken and damaged. And all I did was break him, too, like I had some kind of curse.
I knew the words hurt him because he took in a sharp breath, like someone punched him in the gut. "I'll stay away then… I'll do anything you need. I'll never restrict you from doing the things you need to do for yourself… I'll always respect your decisions."
My stomach whirled, sending a wave of nausea through me. I was going to throw up. "Thank you... I gotta go. Bye, Jacob."
"Nessie, wait!" He yelled frantically. I held the phone back up to my ear. "I… I'll be here whenever you get back… So, do whatever you need to do then come home when you're ready. I will never stop you from doing the things you want or need to do… Just please be careful."
"I don't know how to respond to any of that right now, Jake… I really have to go. Bye." I hung up quickly this time before I changed my mind about everything. I shoved my phone into my pocket.
I stood up quickly, slung my backpack over my shoulder, and swiftly jogged to the nearest restroom. I pushed open an empty stall and threw up the contents of my stomach. Once I was done heaving, I wiped my mouth with toilet paper, flushed the toilet, then walked to the sink. I washed my hands and splashed my face with cold water.
I studied myself in the mirror for a second. My skin looked a little paler than normal, my cheekbones were more prominent because I often forgot to eat, and I had permanent dark circles under my eyes. I guess that's what happened when you woke up either screaming or running to the bathroom to throw up your guts every night. I shuddered at the thought of not having Jake to soothe me back to sleep… Was I making the right decision? Talking to Jacob on the phone just now was one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life.
I sighed as I dried my hands and face then slowly walked back to my little corner by the gate. I sat back down and took a few deep breaths before reaching for my phone in my back pocket. I dialed my mom's number. This conversation would be hard, but not nearly as difficult as the first one.
"Renesmee?" My mom's voice filled my ear after the first ring.
"Hi, mama."
"Oh, sweetie." Even though it was impossible for vampires to actually cry, it sounded like my mother was. "Where are you, baby? Are you okay? I know you just called Jacob, but he ran out of the house."
"I'm fine, mama. I promise. I'm in Denver right now… I have a flight that leaves in a couple hours to Panama."
"Panama?" She questioned, confused.
"Just a stop on the way. I'm going to go visit Zafrina and her sisters."
"But why so rashly? What's going on?"
I pressed my lips together as I took a deep breath, willing myself to keep it together. Because we were so close, my mom was one of the only people who could somewhat empathize with me over everything that happened in the last eighteen months. My Aunt Rosalie and Grandma Esme understood my depression surrounding everything that happened with Jacob, but I knew they probably didn't understand my transgression afterward.
Regardless, everyone in my vampire family stared at me with pity-filled eyes that made me want to tear into their throats.
So, long story short, I had the pity and disappointment from my vampire family, the fury and judgement from my werewolf family, and the overwhelming shame and sorrow that haunted my relationship with Jacob.
Summing it all up that way, of course I fucking ran away from home.
"I just needed to get away from it all." I said, condensing my thoughts.
I heard some rustling in the background before my mother murmured, "Did you leave so quickly today because you didn't want your dad to know what was going on? He's not close enough to hear us talk now."
"Yes," I answered honestly. "I didn't want him to stop me if he heard my thoughts. Is he really mad at Alice?"
"He'll get over it," she promised. "Sweetie, I understand the need to get away with everything that's happened, but do you want some company? Is Jacob going to come meet you, or do you want me or someone else to?"
I sighed. "No, I really just need to be alone, mom."
"Jacob's not going either?" She asked, sounding surprised.
"I asked him not to."
"He was okay with that?"
"No, he wasn't, but it's what I want, and I know he will respect my wishes."
She was quiet for a moment. "Honey, are you sure you're okay?"
"Yes," I answered immediately in as level of a voice as I could manage.
I really was "okay," I supposed. I just couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't stand to see all the distress and disconnection that I'd caused within my families. I hated myself. I was dragging everyone else into this dark, black hole with me. At least now I was in solitude and didn't have to worry about being the bearer of anymore heartache.
"Did something else happen with Jacob? Did he say or do something?"
"No, mama, of course not… If anything, I just ripped his heart out by telling him I didn't want him to come with me and that I needed a break from him. I'm the one to blame for all of this."
"Oh, sweetie," she sounded like she might be crying again. "You know that's not true. You had no control over… everything that's happened. He doesn't blame you. No one does."
If only what she said were true… I knew that Jacob didn't blame me for anything, even though he should. He couldn't because he was a lovestruck puppy dog. But his pack members criticized me. And even though my vampire family didn't necessarily blame me, most of them were disappointed, and that was almost worse.
I was crying again as some of the memories I'd been trying to shove to the side resurfaced. I snapped my eyelids shut and felt my body start to shake with panic. I felt like I couldn't breathe as adrenaline and cortisol flooded my system.
Jacob screaming my name in terror, too much blood, trees whirling past me, bright white lights, feeling numb…
"Yeah," I finally croaked as I pushed the memories away again and focused on taking deep breaths. I hunched forward, willing my nervous system to regulate.
Everyone learned quickly not to explicitly bring the trauma details up. So, instead, everyone tiptoed around it, saying things like, "the events that happened." That wasn't much better, but at least it didn't usually send me into hysterics when it was talked about in that roundabout way.
I heard my mom take a deep breath. "Are you sure one of us can't join you on this trip?"
"I really, really just want to be by myself."
"Alright," she conceded. "When will you be back?"
I exhaled loudly. "I don't know."
"Okay," she paused. "Your dad is here now and wants to speak to you. Are you okay with talking to him?"
I wiped my eyes. "Of course."
"Okay, here he is, sweetie. Please, please, please call us if you need or want anything while you're away. Check-in as much as you can. I love you so much. We all do."
"I will. I love you, too, mama." I said before hearing some swishing in the background.
"Renesmee," my dad's voice anxiously filled my ear a second later.
I sniffed. "Hi, dad."
I heard him sigh. "I wanted to demand that you come home, but your mother told me I'm not permitted to do that," he growled.
I snorted. "I wouldn't have listened even if you did."
"I figured just as much. You, unfortunately for me, inherited your mother's stubbornness. Did Jacob or the pack do something to trigger this impromptu trip?"
"Dad, c'mon," I said with an eye roll. "You know better than me how much Jacob avoids doing anything that could cause me even an ounce of discomfort. And he wouldn't let anyone in the pack hurt me."
He huffed, but I knew he agreed. "Yes, I know. I still had to ensure your departure wasn't from something that transpired with them, especially when Jacob sprinted for the trees earlier when you called."
"He just didn't want anyone to hear what I said to him, in case I was trying to keep it a secret for some reason."
He was quiet for a moment. "I'm going to miss you every day until your return," I could hear the sadness in his voice. "You're the heart of our family, Renesmee. We cherish you more than you'll ever be able to comprehend."
The tears were flowing again. I knew my dad loved me an inconceivable amount, but the disappointment about everything felt the strongest from him. Well, and from my Grandpa Carlisle. I wasn't sure if they were really as disappointed as I thought them to be, or if it was just my own shame and disgust with myself that I was projecting. Probably the latter. I knew they loved me despite my mistakes. Even if it wasn't justified.
Regardless, I worked hard not to think about the disappointment I felt from them when I was around my dad. I didn't want him to tell me that he really didn't feel that way.
I wanted them to be disappointed. I deserved it. I deserved much worse.
My poor Uncle Jasper avoided me like the plague lately. He once commented that my emotions were that of deep, immense agony that made him feel incredibly squeamish. I knew it was hard for him to be around such pessimism, so I didn't blame him for the distance. And even when he tried to control my feelings, it only lasted for a small second before the anguish returned.
"I'll miss you all, too. I love you, daddy."
"I love you, too, my perfect, obstinate daughter."
I smiled for a fraction of a second. "Dad, can you do something for me while I'm away?"
"Anything," he vowed immediately.
"Can you keep an eye on Jacob for me? You're the only one that will really know how he's doing with my absence. Well, the pack will, too, but you know what I mean… His sister and brothers may not always be the best to look after him, especially when he can order them not to."
"He's not joining you!?" He spat angrily. "Why? You just said he didn't do anything to provoke your departure."
"Mom can fill you in." I said evenly.
"You're going to be traveling alone? No. No, that is unacceptable. You need to –"
"Edward," I heard my mom say his name firmly in the background.
"She is a child, Bella! A naïve juvenile going to scour the world with no protection and no guidance! Alice can't even see her future, for crying out loud! How can we know that she’s safe?"
"Our daughter has never been naïve, Edward! She's been through hell the last year and a half, and if she needs a break, we are going to respect her decision."
I gritted my teeth. "Would you feel the same way if I was a boy, or traveling with one? Obviously not since you weren't nearly as worried when you thought Jake would be with me."
"Don't be ridiculous, Renesmee," he growled. "You are a beautiful young woman, and I just don't trust any vulgar, repugnant beings around you – human or otherwise. You are my daughter, and it will always be my job to ensure your safety."
"Dad, you do realize that I'm entirely capable of fending for myself, right? I'm not a helpless, damsel-in-distress human girl. Especially not after all the training I've done with Uncle Jasper and Uncle Emmett. Regardless, I'm not coming home, no matter what you say or do. And I'm going on this trip alone." I took a deep breath, feeling somewhat exasperated. "Now, are you going to look out for Jake or not?"
I knew that my dad meant well. He was always the overprotective one when it came to anything regarding my mom and me. I knew it was tied to how much he cared for us, but I needed him to understand that I was an adult and could take care of myself now.
Once I was a little older, my uncles had taken it upon themselves to train me in hand-to-hand combat after everything that transpired with the Volturi over a decade ago. Everyone anticipated the Volturi's involvement again at some point, and they didn't want me to be left defenseless – even though I doubted my physical combat skills would save me in a fight against someone like Jane. Regardless, I've been training with them an hour or two a day for years now. Well, until recently.
One time, a few years back, Seth snuck up on me in his human form when I was highly distracted with Jacob. I reacted solely on instinct and took him down to the ground in a matter of seconds. Jared had been curious a week or so after my scuffle with Seth and challenged me. I took him down, too. Easily. I knew I could hold my own against any type of physical threat.
My dad was quiet. I heard some murmuring in the background, and I imagined my mom reasoning with him. He sighed before answering my question. "Yes, I will... I know you are entirely adept at caring for yourself. I tend to overlook your capabilities because I cannot tolerate the idea of you being harmed in anyway."
"I know that it's hard for you, dad. I understand. And thank you," I said, feeling somewhat relieved that Jacob would have another set of eyes on him. "Oh, and please don't be too mad at Aunt Alice. She was helping me with the decision I decided to make as an adult."
"'As an adult,' ha!" He said with a sarcastic chortle. "Renesmee, you may be fully grown, love, but you're still only a little over fourteen years old."
I rolled my eyes. "Dad, please."
"Yes, I will forgive Alice… After I demolish her Porsche, that is."
"You will do no such thing!" I heard Alice yell in the background.
I smiled very briefly at their banter. They would be fine with my absence for a while. "Okay, dad. I'll let you go. Tell everyone else I love them, and I'll see them soon."
His voice turned very stern. "You will call me immediately if something is wrong, or you need assistance with something. And…" He paused for a couple of seconds. I waited for him to continue. "And just remember who you are, Renesmee."
I swallowed the lump that instantly formed in my throat. "I will, dad. I promise. Bye."
"Goodbye, my sweet daughter. Please be safe and come home to all of us soon."
Chapter 3
Notes:
I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"coney island" by Taylor Swift
Break my soul in two
Looking for you but you're right here
If I can't relate to you anymore
Then who am I related to?
And if this is the long haul
How'd we get here so soon?
Did I close my fist around something delicate?
Did I shatter you?
JPOV
Renesmee. Renesmee. Renesmee.
It was as if I heard her name echoed along with each beat of my demolished heart.
She didn't want me to go with her. She wanted me to stay here. She wanted me to move forward without her. She needed a break from me.
She didn't need me.
How did I take a break from oxygen? Nessie was my oxygen. She held everything in my life in place – like gravity. She was the only reason my world existed… She was the only thing that mattered. Could I even survive without her? The agony that tore through my spine like dull switchblades said no.
I stopped running so I could throw up. This was the worst pain I'd ever experienced. I never imagined any hurt like this existing. Is this what dying felt like – emotional and physical torture until you, luckily, took your last breath with gratitude?
I had to go find her. That was the only way to make the anguish dissipate. But was that me being selfish, only thinking about my own suffering? I recalled what she'd said: "I need you to let me go. I need you to stay there and do what you need to do for the pack and not worry about me. I need you to move forward on your own and give me some space."
I couldn't go after her.
I had to give her what she told me she needed. I would always allow her to have choices; I didn't want to be controlling. My commitments to her were simple – always protect her and be/do anything she needs… But there was something off about her voice, like she wasn't telling me the entire truth. I had to figure out what was really going on. She was too vague on the phone. Something else must be happening. Was she in danger? Maybe her family was going to go after her, and I would just tag along. Was all of this because of –
Ugh. Leah cringed from my pain. What happened now? She asked.
I growled. I didn't want an audience to my misery.
Shit. What the fuck happened? I heard Embry ask. Embry flinched once he became aware of my agony but tried to hide his reaction with a cough.
I unwillingly thought about my phone conversation with Nessie a few minutes ago as I started sprinting back toward the Cullens' house. I knew Nessie would probably be calling her family soon, and I wanted to know what she said to them.
She just left!? Embry asked. What the hell? Why?
Wow. Leah thought sarcastically. She tried to keep her other thoughts to herself, but they slipped: Another front row seat to Jacob's never ending misery saga.
I growled. Both of you phase back or shut up! That's an order!
They went silent immediately. I hated using my Alpha commands for something like this, but I couldn't deal with their commentary right now; it just made the situation feel more real and confusing.
I was in the trees outside the Cullens' house now – close enough to hear the chatter that was going on inside. I couldn't see them, but Edward knew I was here, I was sure. I could just go inside, but I didn't want to phase. I also didn't want to be bombarded with questions about my conversation with Nessie when I could barely tolerate the pain as it was.
"You will call me immediately if something is wrong, or you need assistance with something. And…" I heard Edward say before he paused. "And just remember who you are, Renesmee."
I assumed this was the conversation I was hoping to eavesdrop on. Remember who she was? Like that's what she needed to hear right now. Nice going, dickhead, I thought to Edward as I rolled my eyes. I couldn't hear Nessie's response to him, but I imagined his comment caused her some anxiety.
"Goodbye, my sweet daughter. Please be safe and come home to all of us soon." I heard Edward say before ending the call. Damn it. I missed their conversation, but just from hearing to the tail end, it didn't sound like anyone was going after her. That was a stupid fucking decision.
"I know, Bella," I heard Edward say in that weird ass velvety voice of his – the one he only used with Bella. "She'll come home soon, my love."
Good, maybe Bella would be on my side about this. Someone had to go be with her, right? It just couldn't be me… Not when she told me to stay away. Not when she said she didn't need me…
Pain rippled through my spine that threatened to tear me apart completely. It took all my strength to not topple over.
I would always respect Nessie's decisions. I would never force her to do something… I just wanted to make sure she was safe. And if someone in her family was going with her, I would feel some slight relief.
"All the pain she's gone through recently… It's just not fair," I knew Bella couldn't cry, but it sounded like she was.
Is that what all the wet shit coming out of my own eyes was – tears? Probably.
"No, it's most definitely not," Edward sighed. "Are you positive you don't want us to accompany her? She may be an adult, but she is still our child, after all."
For once, Bella, see reason, I silently begged. Please, please. Talk some sense into her, bloodsucker, I commented to Edward.
"She needs a break. She's owed that. It can't be easy for her to be around all of us when she's hurting so much… If she doesn't stay in contact with us, or she isn't back soon, we'll go then. But, for now, I think it's best to let her have some space."
Damnit! Leave it to Bella to fuck things up for me. The last bit of hope I had in this situation was demolished. Even if Nessie didn't need or want me, I still needed to know that she was okay.
I felt my legs give out underneath me as my body hit the wet floor of the forest.
Did anything even matter anymore?
I tried to take a deep breath, but my chest felt incredibly tight.
I had to trust Nessie. She was the only one who really knew what she needed right now. And if she determined that she needed space and time away, I would respect that. It was just hard when all my instincts were screaming at me to go to her, thanks to the imprinting bullshit. It was even worse in my wolf form – this overwhelming drive to take off running to Denver, like she took one of my vital organs with her when she left.
Edward wouldn't go against anything Bella said, so I knew he wasn't going to be of any help either. Like normal. "I suppose you're right," he said, responding to Bella.
"It's strange she didn't want Jacob with her, though, isn't it?" Bella asked.
"Yes. I thought so, too." Edward answered.
"What will this do to him?" I heard Bella whisper, sounding concerned. If she really fucking cared, she would make the decision to go after Nessie so she isn't alone in her own anguish.
But I guess Bella was just respecting Nessie's wishes like I was. I really couldn't be upset with her. She was probably making the right decision.
"He's… Less than well at the moment." Edward responded.
"He's here?" Bella's voice was higher pitched.
"Yes. In the trees outside. He wanted to hear our conversation with Renesmee but got here too late."
"Jacob!" Bella called my name. "Come inside! You're family, too."
I snorted. I'm not coming inside. Tell her to go after Nessie. Fuck, I guess you can't. You're just as submissive to her as I am to Ness. Why are they both so goddamn stubborn and infuriating? I thought to Edward.
I heard him chuckle. "He doesn't want to come inside. He's… conflicted. He wants us to go after Renesmee, but he also wants to respect her wishes. He just wants to know that she's safe."
"Why doesn't he go after her himself?" Bella asked.
Submissive coward respecting what Nessie says she needs right now, I responded.
What if I don't need you? Nessie's voice echoed in my mind. Another wave of agony tore through my body, threatening to completely tear me apart.
"Renesmee requested that he stay here and move forward without her. She said she doesn't need him," Edward responded. I howled involuntarily, unable to contain my agony. Hearing him say the words out loud made it even more real. I heard Embry howl back.
Edward continued, "He can't go against her wishes easily… It's almost impossible for him to, thanks to the imprinting. But, regardless of the imprinting entanglement, he wants to respect what she says she needs. His biggest drive, however, is to know that she's protected, hence his desire for us to go after Renesmee."
"He's in a lot of pain with her leaving, isn't he?" Bella asked.
I whimpered, noticing the piercing pain all throughout my body once again. It was like someone was stabbing me over and over with a dull knife just enough for it to cause excruciating pain, but not enough to actually kill me.
A big part of me wished I was dead instead of feeling this way.
I think I heard Edward take in a sharp breath, like he had winced at noticing the agony slicing through my body. "Yes… I can only compare it to the pain I know of leaving you all those years ago. His pain feels similar, except he's grieving more than just Renesmee's absence."
I howled again then forced myself to stand up. I couldn't dig up that grave now, too. I started running as fast and as far away from the Cullens' house as possible. I couldn't remember the other hurt that was only manageable when I was near Nessie. If I thought of that grief now, I would be annihilated.
The shared anguish between Nessie and me was the catalyst to all the tension in my pack. I wasn't helping Nessie manage the depression she'd fallen into from the grief, so her mistake was really a result of my inattention. Even though my sister and brothers disagreed that it was my fault, I knew the truth. Leah was the only one who understood the situation better than most. I wasn't sure why.
I just didn't know how to best help Renesmee with her pain. I didn't know what she needed.
Leah let out a small whimper. I think it's probably a good thing that Nessie's going away for awhile. She was getting worse just staying cooped up at the cabin or at her parents' house… And I empathize with her because I kind of understand what she's going through.
You're right, I responded, agreeing with her about Nessie getting worse and about her understanding to a certain degree. But that still didn't mean that any of this wasn't my fault.
Leah and Embry were near my house, waiting there to check on me, I guessed. But I wasn't going back there anytime soon – to the little cabin I shared with Nessie. That would be far too painful. I'd just crash with my dad or something.
None of this is your fault, Jake. She has to work through all of this guilt she's carrying around. That can't be easy for her to do while being around everyone here, Embry commented.
I guess he was right, too – this wasn't about me. It was about her. She knew what she needed, I didn't.
I would do my best to follow what Nessie requested – let her have her space while I focused on taking care of the pack. But I wouldn't be able to move forward without her or not worry. I needed her, but she didn't need me. I couldn't go after her if it was only for my benefit – her needs always came before my own.
I also knew that Nessie could take care of herself, so she really was safe. She wasn't a damsel-in-distress – very far from it, actually. She could easily fight anyone in the pack, including me, and be the victor. I was convinced that physical combat was another vampire gift she possessed. She was strong, intelligent, and solely capable of determining her own methods of healing.
Embry's thoughts flickered to memories from a few years back when Ness took both Seth and Jared to their knees within seconds. No one else from the pack was brave enough to volunteer to practice with her after that. Only me. And she'd beat my ass too many times to count even when I'd given it my all.
So badass, Leah commented admirably.
No one stands a chance against her, Jake. She's physically safe, at least. Embry thought.
Yes, she was physically safe. But was she safe from all the emotional baggage that haunted her? From the demons that surfaced every night when she slept beside me and woke herself up as she either screamed or scrambled out of bed to puke her guts out? I flinched, recalling how that very thing had happened just last night. I woke up with her and literally had to rock her back to sleep while she shook and sobbed in my arms…
I didn't know how I would stand being away from her when she was in so much emotional turmoil; that's what my real problem was. My instincts, thanks to the imprinting, were so entangled in her… Every hair on my body was screaming at me to run toward her. Fighting the urge was like holding my breath or refusing to blink – completely and utterly unnatural.
But I would find a way to push through those innate, somewhat unconscious drives. Nessie needed a break. She was safe. I would give her the space she said she needed. I wouldn't make this about me and my fears or impulses.
I would respect her decisions now and always. End of story. I just wish she had known that before sneaking off without even saying goodbye.
I wouldn't have stopped her if she'd told me this was what she needed to do. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to leave if she faced me. If the tables were turned, that would be the case for me. Not that I could ever leave her, anyway.
Fury started to course through my veins as I thought of the last year and a half – all the pain we'd endured. Well, I'd endured. It was almost as if Nessie had refused to feel any of the adversity except for when she slept. She was numb, dissociative, and completely checked-out the majority of the time…
Until she snapped.
Leah and Embry both shuttered at my memories.
Sorry, I told them as I shoved the thoughts aside. I hoped they knew my sorry was encompassing more than just my current thoughts.
Maybe this trip would be therapeutic and cathartic for Nessie.
But what did it say about our relationship if she didn't want me to be there to comfort her through her healing? Why was she pushing me away? How was it even possible for her to? I tried to imagine my sister, Rachel, separating from Paul, or Emily taking a break from Sam… They wouldn't be able to. How and why was Nessie putting space between us?
My heart started to shatter more, if that was even possible.
I started running faster as I refocused all my energy on the trees blurring past me instead of the never-ending turmoil that scrapped through my mind, body, and every part of my being.
Chapter 4
Notes:
There are still a lot of unknowns about Renesmee's development. Some people have said that Renesmee develops on a curve, but I couldn't find that anywhere in the books or in the illustrated guide. So, I went off this: she's fully grown after seven years and a full-grown adult (both physically and mentally) is someone who is about 25 years old. So, to make things easy for this story, every human year equals about three and a half years of aging for Renesmee.
The next two chapters are pretty long. I had a little too much fun writing flashback scenes and didn't want to cut any of them!
Chapter Text
"long story short" by Taylor Swift
Fatefully
I tried to pick my battles 'til the battle picked me
RPOV
I settled into my window seat on the plane. This flight to Panama was going to be a little over eight hours. I pulled out my headphones and a book from my backpack before shoving it under the seat in front of me. I turned my phone on Airplane Mode then scrolled through my downloaded music to find a playlist to listen to. My dad recently put a new one together for me that I hadn't listened to yet.
"You've got good taste," I heard someone say next to me. I looked up and to the right. I must have looked a little confused because the man continued, "The book – Little Women – it's a classic."
I smiled half-heartedly at him. He was probably in his mid-twenties like me and seemed friendly. "Yeah, I'm kind of an old soul, I guess."
He held his hand out to me once he sat down in the aisle seat after putting his bag in the storage overhead. "I'm Steven."
I shook his hand. "Nessie."
"Nice to meet you," he smiled. "You're heading to Panama City, too?"
Even though this guy seemed nice enough, I hoped he would be quiet soon. I wasn't feeling especially chatty right now, but I also didn't want to be rude. "Yes. I'm staying the night there before going to Asunción."
"For business? Pleasure?"
"Pleasure. I'm meeting up with some old friends. What about you?"
He smiled. "I have family in Panama that I am going to visit."
"I'm sure you'll have a great time." I said with a small nod, hoping the conversation could now be over.
I put my headphones on, shuffled the playlist, and leaned my head back against the uncomfortable seat.
Soon, I was in that place between being awake and unconscious. Every time I was in that state, Jacob filled my mind. It was as if my brain was giving me the most peaceful, dreamy thing it could imagine before allowing sleep to overtake me. This time was no different – it was as if my favorite highlights of our relationship were playing like a movie…
7 Years Old
"Nessie, what's wrong?" Jacob asked, jogging over to me quickly.
I reached up and wiped a tear from my cheek with one hand and touched Jacob's face with the other. I showed him how I dropped the seashell I'd found in the water and couldn't find it now. It was so pretty, and I was never going to find another one like it.
"Well," Jacob smiled. "We better search the entire beach until we find another one just as beautiful! C'mon!"
He grabbed my hands and spun me around, making me laugh, before we hunted around on the beach for hours. Jacob ended up finding the shell I'd lost earlier. For my birthday that year, he made it into a necklace that I never took off.
10 Years Old
"Here to babysit again, huh?" My Uncle Emmett playfully asked Jacob when he walked through the front door of my family's main house.
"Trouble with Blondie again, Emmett?" Jacob asked. "You always seem to joke more when she's pissed at you. Maybe you should find some better ways of coping."
I heard my Aunt Rose hiss from somewhere upstairs. My dad chuckled because Jacob was right. Aunt Rose was mad at Uncle Emmett for not being excited enough about the new shoes Aunt Alice bought her.
Uncle Emmett rolled his eyes. "So, I don't understand the joy over shoes. Sue me!"
"Everyone should be excited over any shoe I buy them!" Aunt Alice chimed in.
I laughed as Jacob came to sit beside me on the piano bench. I started playing a new song that my dad taught me. When I was finished, Jacob had a huge grin on his face. "That was beautiful, Ness. You've really been practicing!"
I smiled then reached up and touched his cheek. I showed him a picture of him running around in the woods with his sister and brothers. I wondered if that's where he was earlier.
"Yes," Jacob responded. "I was with Seth and Quil today."
I showed him an image of Claire. Would I get to see her soon? I liked braiding her hair and reading stories to her.
"Yes. We will see her soon."
I showed him the comment that Uncle Emmett made when he first got here. I was confused by it. Why was Jacob always here with me? Some of my aunts and uncles didn't seem to like him very much.
Jacob looked questioningly over at my dad. My dad nodded, probably answering something in Jacob's thoughts. Jacob focused on me again.
"I'm definitely not a babysitter," he laughed. "There's this thing that happens when you're a wolf called 'imprinting.' It's when we find someone really special that we protect and try to make happy… Kind of like a best friend."
That made sense. Jacob always made me happy. I showed him a picture of Claire again. Quil was her protector?
"Yes, Quil imprinted on Claire."
"Who else?" I asked.
"Well, there's Sam and Emily, Jared and Kim, and Paul and Rachel."
I touched his face again. But they were all adults. I didn't understand.
"You can imprint on anyone no matter what their age is." Jacob explained.
I nodded. "Okay, so you and I will be best friends forever?"
Jacob grinned at me. "Yes, as long as that's what you want."
14 Years Old
I sat on the couch and leaned against my mom as she ran her fingers absentmindedly through my hair. "Are you excited to hear the Quileute legends?"
"Yes," I answered. "I didn't even know that Jacob was the Alpha of the pack until the other day. He doesn't seem very proud about being the pack's leader for some reason. There are so many stories and dynamics I still don't understand."
"I think Jacob doubts his confidence as the pack's Alpha." She paused. "But yes, there are a lot of very interesting stories. You're going to have a great time learning about some of them tonight."
I was about to ask her why Jacob would doubt himself, but there was a knock on the cottage door before Jacob let himself in. I sat up immediately and grinned. It felt like my heart was racing a little quicker than it normally did as he smiled back.
"Hey, Ness! You ready?" Jacob asked excitedly.
I nodded. "Yes!" I shrugged my jacket on and grabbed my small crossbody purse. I kissed my mom's cheek. "Bye, mama."
"Bye, baby. Have fun."
I walked to the armchair on the other side of the living room and kissed my dad's cheek, too. "Bye, daddy."
"Not too late, Jacob." My dad said.
"We'll probably be done around 10:00 or 11:00."
"Make it 10:00."
"Oh, don't worry about the time. You two go have fun. We'll see you later." My mom said before Jacob and I escaped through the front door and got into his car.
"I'm really excited to bring you tonight," Jacob said as he started the car and reversed back before driving down the small dirt road.
"And I'm really excited to go with you."
Jacob and I both glanced over at each other at the same time and grinned. I pressed my lips together embarrassingly and felt myself blush. What was happening to me? Why was my body reacting so strangely tonight?
We got to First Beach where Jacob and I greeted everyone. Embry's new imprint, Laura, had all the attention tonight – she was the reason the bonfire had been planned. I went to sit by the fire while Jacob got a plate full of food from the table to the side that Emily and Rachel set up.
"Hey, half-vampire girl." Leah said as she plopped down beside me.
I smiled. "Hey, Leah."
"I always forget how fast you grow. Weren't you just, like, five last week?"
I laughed and felt my cheeks get warm. "I know. It's kind of weird."
Jacob sat down on the other side of me and balanced his plate on one of his thighs. "It's not weird at all."
"How old are you now?" Leah asked. "And what's the math break down again? I know you explained it to me once, but I forgot."
"Well, I'm technically only four years old, but my Grandpa Carlisle has sort of figured that one year for humans equates to about three and a half years for hybrids… So, with that math, I am about fourteen right now. I'll be fully grown in three more years, then I'll be stuck at about 25 years old forever."
"It's still pretty strange that Jacob would imprint on someone who's half his enemy by nature." Paul laughed and tossed a marshmallow that hit Jacob's temple. "Leave it to Jake to do something freaky like that."
I looked down at my lap and bit the inside of my lip nervously. I knew Paul was totally joking, and I could usually joke back with him. But Jacob imprinting on me was weird… Jacob and I were enemies by nature. Why had he imprinted on me of all people? It didn't really make sense. Was it a mistake? I'd been wondering about that more and more lately.
"Knock it off, Paul." Rachel nudged him, but it only made him laugh louder. "Leave Nessie alone."
"It would be very wise of you to listen to my sister," Jacob chimed in, no humor in his tone. "Leave Nessie alone."
"Is that an order, Chief?" Paul snickered.
"I'll make it one if needed." Jacob responded with an edge to his voice that I'd never heard before. "Say something rude to her again and you'll be leaving this bonfire with only three legs."
Something in Jacob's tone and demeanor made me realize he likely wasn't joking with his brother.
Leah bumped my shoulder with her own. "Ignore Paul. He has no manners." She glared at Paul, and he laughed harder as he shoved a huge cookie into his mouth and turned to talk with Rachel.
I smiled at Leah. I'd always had a good relationship with her. Before I could respond to her, though, Jacob leaned over so his lips were only an inch or so away from my ear. I shivered and goosebumps rose on my skin when he started talking in a low voice.
"You have never been, and never will be, my enemy. You, Renesmee, are perfect in every way possible, and don't you dare doubt yourself for one second."
My stomach flip flopped as he said my name. He only ever called me Nessie.
How had he known that I was doing just that – doubting myself – a few seconds ago? As always, he was completely in-tune with my thoughts. He knew me better than anyone.
I nodded then reached over and touched Jacob's arm briefly to ask him a silent question about something Paul had said.
Chief? I questioned, showing him Paul's comment.
With his lips still close to my ear, he answered, "The pack Alpha is technically the Chief of the entire tribe also."
That was interesting. Jacob recently explained to me how there were two wolf packs for a while, but the packs merged again once Emily got pregnant and Sam decided to step down as Alpha and work on not phasing in order to age and live out his human life with Emily. That meant Jacob was the Alpha over all the wolves now with Leah being his Second and Embry his Third.
Jacob turned his head back toward the fire and stuffed a bite of pizza into his mouth. I reached over on his plate for a grape and popped it into my mouth. He eyed me skeptically. "Since when do you eat human food?"
I shrugged. "I've been finding some things I like."
"Okay, is everyone ready?" Billy, Jacob's dad, asked. He was sitting at the head of the circle. Everyone started to quiet down at Billy's voice. Jacob finished his food and set his plate off to the side as he focused his attention on his dad.
Billy started sharing the legends, and I was instantly engrossed in the stories, totally mesmerized by Billy's voice and the eloquent tales. I noticed Jacob glancing at me during certain moments, probably gaging my reaction, but I was too sucked into the stories to question him about it.
Once Billy was done speaking, everyone sat in silence, just soaking in the magic. I stretched my hands out of my jacket and toward the fire to warm my fingers. I rarely felt cold due to my vampire genes, but it was a little chillier tonight than normal and the heat felt good.
"Cold?" Jacob asked me quietly. I nodded before he scooted a little closer, wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and used his other hand to cover my fingers in my lap. My stomach flip flopped with butterflies, and my breathing picked up. How many times had Jacob hugged me, held my hand, or put his arm around me when I was cold or sad or for some other reason? A million! Why was it feeling so different now? Any time he touched me tonight, it felt like an electric current pulsed through me. It wasn't a bad feeling at all, but it was definitely… different.
We left soon afterwards so I could be home by 10:00.
"You've been quiet since hearing the stories." Jacob said on the drive home. "I know it can be a lot to take in, and some of the legends might sound a little odd…"
He was nervous that I was being quiet because of the stories? I almost laughed. I was quiet because I was trying to figure out why my body was suddenly reacting in such strange ways to the boy I thought was just my best friend. It was like my body was hyperaware of his every move now.
I took a deep breath as I cautiously reached over and touched the hand he wasn't driving with. I showed him Billy's mesmerizing voice, me noticing him glance at me, and me feeling more connected to him than I ever had before since I now understood his beautiful culture.
He looked over at me and grinned when we stopped at a red light which made my body react in that strange, new way…
"Then what's going on, Ness? You seem anxious about something. Is it about what Paul said?"
I blushed and shook my head. There was never a time when I felt like I couldn't tell Jacob something, but this was definitely something I was keeping to myself until I understood it better.
I was thankful that the light turned green, and he focused his attention on the road again. We pulled up outside the cottage a few minutes later. We both got out of the car and walked toward the front door.
"Ness, wait," Jacob said as I reached for the door. My breath caught in my throat as his hand touched my arm. I turned around and faced him. "Is everything okay?" My entire body felt hot again. "Wait, are you blushing? What's going on?" His fingers lightly touched my cheek.
I felt my eyes widen as the electric current thing happened with his fingers on my cheek. I swallowed anxiously and suddenly couldn't remember how to breathe.
"Everything's fine," my voice sounded strange, too high-pitched, and I spoke way too quickly.
"Night, Jake." I said rapidly before turning away from him. I hurriedly opened the door and scrambled to get inside, closing and locking the door so he wouldn't follow me.
My mom looked up from a book and eyed me questioningly. My dad avoided eye contact with me as he sat at his piano and pressed a few of the keys. Ugh, as if this wasn't bad enough. I was sure my dad knew everything that was going on. Great. Was it possible to die of embarrassment? It felt like it. I stalked off quickly to my room and closed the door behind me loudly as a signal for them to leave me alone.
"Renesmee," my mom said after me nervously.
"She's fine, Bella," my dad stopped her from coming to my room, thankfully. "Give her a little bit of time by herself."
"Did something happen at the bonfire that upset her?" My mom asked.
"Yes, but not in the way you're thinking, love. She's perfectly fine… Just a normal teenage girl right now, I suppose." He sounded amused.
Ugh! I turned on some music to drown out their conversation. I changed into my pajamas and laid in bed. I just acted like a ridiculous lovestruck teenager in front of Jacob and my parents. I buried my face in my pillow and pulled the covers up to cocoon inside of them forever.
Jacob was my best friend. Yes, he imprinted on me, but that didn't mean we were destined to romantically love each other some day, did it? Well, maybe it did… All the others, besides Quil and Claire, were romantically together. Would Jacob ever want me that way? Did I want him that way? Was he weirded out by my insane reaction to him just a little bit ago? He just touched my cheek for crying out loud! Oh my God, I wanted to hide in my shame forever. How was I going to explain everything when I saw him tomorrow? Ugh, I had to stop thinking about it here with my dad in the other room.
Don't listen to me! I screamed loudly in my head so he would leave me alone. I knew it wouldn't work, but I had to try to save myself from drowning in the mortification…
I pulled the covers tighter around me and closed my eyes.
That was the first night I realized I had a crush on my best friend.
17 Years Old
"Okay, close your eyes one more time." Aunt Alice instructed. I sighed and did what she requested. I felt an eye shadow brush blend along my eyelid.
"Her hair is done," Aunt Rosalie said as she twisted one more tiny strand into place. "And it's perfect."
I was finally allowed to open my eyes and saw Aunt Alice and Aunt Rosalie beaming at me. "Can I look in the mirror now?" I asked.
"Not yet!" Alice said. "Come put on your dress first." She grabbed my hand and towed me into her room. She unzipped the garment bag that was hanging right outside her closet. I took off my robe just as she took the dress off the hanger. She carefully slipped it over my head to avoid messing up the hair and makeup she and Rosalie spent the last two hours on.
"Alice," I said as she was zipping and buttoning the back. "Are you sure this isn't too much? I don't want to take any attention away from Rachel." I also didn't want a lot of attention on me in general.
"You won't, trust me." Alice replied. "Besides, I rarely get to dress anyone up for fancy occasions, so you're wearing this dress whether you like it or not."
I laughed. There was no use in arguing with my Aunt Alice. She had me sit down as she strapped on my shoes.
"Okay!" She clapped her hands together as she walked in a circle around me. "Oh, you are perfect! Okay, come see." She pulled me back toward her bathroom where she had a full-length, lighted mirror.
I felt my eyes widen as I looked at the person in the mirror that didn't fully appear to be me. Rosalie had carefully pinned up some of my curls in the back but left many of them down framing my face. My brown eyes seemed to pop out against the long, burgundy-colored dress. My lipstick matched the reddish tone in the dress and made the bronze highlights in my hair stand out, too. I guess I hadn't noticed that my body had curves to fill out a dress like this until now. I looked… like an adult. I mean, I guess I technically would be in a few months, but it was a strange realization all of a sudden.
"You don't like it?" Alice asked with a pout. "You know I can't see your future, which is insanely infuriating, but I really thought this would be a perfect match, and –"
"Alice," I said before reaching over and touching her arm. I showed her that I was just stunned, that I hadn't realized I looked so grown-up, but that I loved it.
"Oh, good!" She clapped her hands again and kissed my cheek.
"You're beautiful, Nessie!" Rosalie beamed. "Jacob's already waiting downstairs." Rosalie said his name with only a little bit of disgust in her tone. I was starting to think Jacob and Rosalie would always hate each other, but their feuds had become more like a love-hate relationship recently.
I took a deep breath, feeling nervous all of a sudden. This was kind of like a date, wasn't it? I mean, I was going to Jacob's sister's wedding with him.
"You don't want to be late, c'mon!" Alice tugged on my hand and dragged me to the stairs after handing me a small clutch with my things inside. She and Rosalie flew down the staircase in front of me, and I followed behind them, but at my slower pace.
I was almost to the bottom of the stairs when I saw Jacob. Butterflies filled my stomach, and I felt my cheeks get hot as I saw him dressed up in his tuxedo. He was…
Breathtaking was the only word that came to my mind, probably because I lacked oxygen from not remembering how to breathe.
As soon as I was close enough, Jacob grinned before walking over to me and reaching out for my hand. The electric current thing still happened every time he touched me. He slid a corsage in place on my wrist. "You are absolutely beautiful." He murmured.
I blushed more as Alice handed me a boutonniere that I fastened in place on Jacob's jacket.
"A word, please, Jacob." My dad said stoically from the corner of the room. I was in such a daze that I hadn't really realized anyone else around us until just then.
"Dad," I protested. "I don't want us to be late."
"It will only take a minute."
Jacob gave me a reassuring smirk before following him outside.
"You are beautiful, Renesmee, like always, but you look much older tonight." My mom commented as she reached out and twirled one of my curls around her finger.
I reached out and touched her cheek to show her that I felt the same way upstairs when I looked in the mirror. Then I showed her my worry about dad talking to Jacob.
"Dad just wants to make sure that Jacob is…" She paused, contemplating her word choice. "Chivalrous."
"Ugh," I groaned then walked toward the front door to try and hear their conversation. "I can take care of myself. This isn't the 1920s. What, do I need a dowry now, too?"
"It's fine, honey. You know your dad is very traditional about these things." My mom said soothingly.
I could hear Uncle Emmett and Uncle Jasper laughing in the living room, causing me to roll my eyes. I focused on listening to the conversation occurring on the porch outside.
"You will wait until she's ready, until she makes her feelings known, and not a second sooner." I heard my dad say.
"Well, duh," Jacob said sarcastically, making me lightly smile. I liked his wit. "I'm never going to do anything to pressure her or make her feel uncomfortable. I have no dishonorable intensions. Can't you see that? Or is your mind reading ability dwindling?"
"Quite the contrary. I heard exactly what you were thinking when she walked down the stairs, hence the need for this conversation."
What was Jacob thinking when I walked down the stairs!?
"I won't do anything to hurt her. Ever. Scout's honor."
"If you do –"
"There's a house full of bloodsuckers that will slaughter me. Yes, I know," Jacob laughed. "Can we go now? My sister's gonna be pissed if I'm late." I stepped back from the door, and it opened a few seconds later.
I narrowed my eyes slightly at my dad. I can take care of myself. You know that, right? I silently said to him.
He sighed and nodded. It was probably hard for my parents to see me almost fully grown just five years after I was born. Normal parents got a full 16 or 17 years before seeing their daughter go off to a prom or some other fancy occasion.
"That's exactly it, love," my dad said, commenting on my last thought. My annoyance with him melted away. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him in a hug.
I'm sorry it was so fast, daddy. I love you, I thought.
"I love you too, my beautiful, almost-grown-up daughter. Go have fun."
I pulled away and smiled at him and the rest of my family before locking my eyes on Jacob. He smiled at me then opened the door for us to leave. I followed him out to his car. He opened the passenger door for me, and I carefully got inside with my dress. Jacob hopped into the driver's seat and started driving toward La Push.
I shyly reached over and touched his cheek while he drove. I showed him how I'd been a prisoner to Alice and Rosalie all day, and it wasn't a very good time. I showed him how I was worried about my dress being too fancy, and how I thought he looked really handsome in his tux.
I rested my hand back in my lap as he grinned and looked over at me briefly. "Your dress is perfect, Ness. You'll be the most beautiful person at the wedding, that's for sure."
I frowned at him. "That's not a good thing. All the attention should be on Rachel."
"Oh, it is, don't worry about that," He laughed. "We've been at her beck and call all day – decorating, running errands – I barely had enough time to shower before coming to pick you up."
"I knew something smelled." I said playfully. We both laughed.
We chatted lightheartedly back and forth the rest of the drive. Jacob parked outside the little church and we made our way inside. Jacob walked with me to one of the pews and told me that Kim and Emily would come sit with me once they got here. He had to go to the back with the rest of the wedding party.
The wedding started soon after that. It was a short, but beautiful ceremony. We all walked to the beach for the reception. It was absolutely gorgeous. For once, it wasn't raining, and the sun was just beginning to set over the water. There was a makeshift dance floor with tables and chairs peppered around it. Jacob led us to our table with the rest of the wedding party.
I went to the restroom then wandered over to the food table. I didn't see Jacob anywhere. I figured he was doing something with the wedding party, so I grabbed a plate and waited in the food line. I was starving, after all. Being with vampires all day, they often forgot I had human needs.
I ate mostly human food nowadays and hunted occasionally with my family or Jacob. Some humans smelled good, but I'd never had the urge to hurt one in that way.
"Hi," someone said behind me.
I turned around and smiled briefly. I didn't know who it was. "Hello."
He held his hand out to me. "I'm Jesse."
I shook his hand. "Nessie."
"Do you know the bride or the groom?" He asked.
"Both, I guess. You?"
"I'm one of Paul's old friends. We played sports together growing up."
I nodded in understanding. "It's nice to meet you, Jesse." I turned back forward to follow the now moving line.
"Are you here with someone?" Jesse asked behind me. I looked back at him. "If not, would you like to dance later?"
"Oh, um…" I wasn't sure how to answer him. I was here with Jacob, but was I really here with Jacob? "I'm –"
"She's with me." Jacob appeared out of nowhere and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me into his side. My heart started pounding loudly in my chest. "She's mine."
I looked up at him, flabbergasted. I was his? Butterflies and giddiness filled my stomach at the way the words rumbled out of him. She's mine… He said them like a threat and a vow. Like he was demanding that Jesse back off. Was he jealous? Or just being overly protective?
After the awestruck passed, I felt slightly annoyed if it was the latter. I could take care of myself and didn't need him to protect me from innocent guys like Jesse. He also couldn't tell me who I could and couldn't dance with; he didn't have control over me.
"Ness, I already got you some food while you were in the bathroom," Jacob continued.
"Oh. Thank you," I said to him before turning back to Jesse. "It was really was nice to meet you. If we run into each other later, I would love to dance with you." I felt Jacob stiffen next to me, but he said nothing more. That was wise of him.
Jesse smiled at me briefly then nodded his head toward both of us. "Have a good night, you guys."
"Thanks, Jesse. You, too." I replied. Jacob reached for my hand as we walked back to our table.
He leaned down so his lips were near my ear. "I told you that you would be the most beautiful person here. I leave you alone for five minutes and I already have competition."
I felt myself blush. Was Jacob flirting with me? Was he really jealous? Did he feel that same spark flowing between our hands that I did? Did he really just say that I was his to Jesse? Even though I was irritated, it felt… right. I wanted to be Jacob's. I just wanted it to be my decision.
I only want to dance with you, don't worry, I silently told him before showing him an image of us holding each other closely while swaying to a slow song that was playing. I had my cheek nuzzled into his chest, and our arms were wrapped tightly around each other. Maybe he would lean down, kiss my head, and pull me just an inch closer to him, the warmth of our bodies seeping into each other…
Jacob took in a sharp breath. I pressed my lips together shyly. "Now I really want to dance with you." He muttered before we sat down at our table with the others.
We ate our food and watched all the traditional dances and speeches. Soon enough, the dance floor was opened to everyone. Jacob turned and smiled at me. I reached my hand out toward him and he took it. We both stood up to dance. The song was fast paced, so we goofily pranced around together.
When the song switched to something slower, we both shyly eyed each other before closing the gap between us, just like in the image I showed him earlier. His strong, protective arms held me, melting my body tightly into his. I wasn't prepared for the sensations that rushed through me upon realizing that our bodies seemed to fit perfectly into one another.
Jacob leaned down and kissed my head. I peeked up at him and our eyes locked as we stared at each other for several seconds. I cupped his cheek and showed us walking along the beach together for a while, away from the party.
"Let's go," Jacob said immediately. He reached up to hold the hand that was on his cheek and hauled me off the dance floor and away from the party. Once we were in the sand, I stopped to take my shoes off.
I smiled at Jacob before running off, at a human pace since we weren't far from the party, toward the waves. He laughed and ran after me. I didn't stop until my feet were covered by the water as I held my dress up.
Jacob stopped to take his shoes off. He rolled his slacks up and took his jacket off then came to stand beside me in the water as he loosened his tie. I lifted my dress up more and walked a little further in, almost up to my knees. I closed my eyes to focus on the sound of the waves and the way the wind felt in my hair and against my face.
When I opened my eyes, Jacob was staring at me with a small smile on his face. "What?" I asked self-consciously.
He sighed in contentment. "Nothing. I just like looking at you."
I felt myself blush. "Were you…" I bit my lip, nervous to finish asking my question.
"Was I what?" He asked.
I took a deep breath. "Were you jealous earlier? When that Jesse guy asked if I was here with anyone and if I wanted to dance?"
Jacob chuckled. "Of course I was, Ness! Have you seen what you look like in that dress? I mean, you're always beautiful, but that dress is a showstopper. Well, you're the showstopper, actually."
"But was it just you being overprotective? Because if it was, we need to have a serious talk about how I can take care of myself perfectly fine, or was your reaction…" I paused, swallowing loudly. "Or was your reaction something more than just being overprotective?"
He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Uh, both, I guess."
My heart started thumping loudly again. "What's the more part?" I asked in a whisper.
Jacob took a couple of steps closer to me and reached for my hand that wasn't holding the dress up. He searched my eyes. "The 'more part' is whatever you want or don't want it to be."
I swallowed nervously. "I think I want it to mean what it means for all the other lovestruck dogs with their tails between their legs over there." I said playfully before nodding my head back toward the wedding.
He laughed. "Oh yeah?"
I let go of my dress and reached up to run my fingers through his shaggy hair before letting my hand rest on his cheek. "Yes," I whispered earnestly.
Jacob let go of my hand and reached forward to cup my face gently. He searched my eyes for a second before wrapping his other arm around my waist and pulling me closer to him. I wrapped my arm around his back and gazed up at him.
Underneath this moonlight, hearing our friends' laughter in the distance, the sound of the waves, the way Jacob was looking at me, the way it felt in his arms… This was the definition of perfection.
I stood up on my tippy toes and tilted my head slightly to the side as I looked down at Jacob's lips then back up into his eyes. I used my hand that was on his cheek to gently pull his head down toward me. He understood my cue immediately and slowly leaned in, pausing just an inch away from my lips. My heart was pounding, and my breathing was rapid with anticipation. I closed the gap and softly pressed my lips into his.
It was a good thing Jacob's arms tightened around me once our lips touched; otherwise, I would have been the first half-vampire to ever collapse. The connection felt like fire; every nerve ending in my body was tingling and warm, and when our lips started moving slowly together, the fire spread and intensified.
I tangled my hand in his hair and used almost all of my strength to secure him to me. His lips were not leaving mine. I pressed my body closer into his. Is this what heaven felt like? I couldn't imagine anything more intoxicating, more blissful, more powerful than our connection right now.
I wanted to explore more of him, so I let my tongue graze his lip. His lips parted immediately, and he slipped his tongue into my mouth. I think I almost passed out again. Jacob must have noticed this because he held me more firmly. My head was swimming as the fire spread to new parts of my body.
Jacob slowly pulled away and rested his forehead on top of mine. We were both panting, sharing breath. I hadn't figured out how to open my eyes yet. "Wow," Jacob whispered.
I didn't have any words to respond to him. Instead, I moved my hand from his hair to his cheek and showed him how I was feeling – speechless, alive – like my body was on fire in a good way, wobbly – like my legs were going to give out, excited to try it again, and nervous to know how he felt.
"Ness, I feel all that times a million," he responded to my last wondering.
Did this really just happen? I had to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Jacob's forehead was still resting against my own, so I shifted forward and pressed my lips back to his again. I hadn't been dreaming, that was for sure. Even in my wildest dreams, I never would have imagined kissing Jacob to feel this intense and addicting.
A stronger wave crashed into us, causing the top part of my dress to get wet as water splashed on our faces. We pulled away laughing before leaning back into the kiss. My Aunt Alice was going to kill me for ruining this dress.
Chapter 5
Notes:
I debated making this into two chapters, but I didn't want three full chapters of just flashbacks. Regardless, I love this smutty, empowering chapter immensely, so I hope you do, too! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"long story short" by Taylor Swift
Misery
Like the war of words I shouted in my sleep
RPOV
21 Years Old
"Can vampire-humans get drunk?" Quil asked as he plopped down in a chair next to me in Jacob's garage.
I shrugged, looking up from the textbook for my women's studies class. "No clue."
"Well, you're technically 21 today, right? Why aren't we throwing you a party to find out?"
Jacob popped his head out from under the hood of a car he was working on. "Because I don't feel like being the dog food for eight leeches." I frowned disapprovingly at his slur – or what I considered a slur, anyway.
"Vampires, not leeches. Sorry," Jacob corrected himself with an eye roll before continuing his tinkering.
"You're whipped, Jake!" Quil yelled.
I focused my withering glare on Quil instead.
"Oh, lay off," he bumped my shoulder playfully. "I'm whipped, too. We all are, and none of us are complaining about it. Trust me."
Jacob cleaned his hands on his jeans then walked over and kissed me. He went to stand up, but I held his face in between my hands and kissed him again.
"I like being whipped, babe, don't worry. It's not a bad thing." He grinned, causing me to roll my eyes.
"You're the ones that are 'whipped,' as you call it," I said to both of them before turning to Quil. "That term is nothing more than a way to make a woman feel bad for a man actually treating her decently. Stop being so pretentious when this being 'whipped' thing is of your own doing, you imprinted prick."
Jacob doubled over with laughter as Quil's cheeks reddened. "You walked right into that one, bro."
"Shit. Sorry, Nessie," Quil softened. "I didn't mean it that way."
"It's okay. Just do better. Claire and all the other women in your life deserve it."
"Smash that patriarchy, girl. Keep letting me know when I'm a prick because God knows it's far too often." Quil held out his fist to me. I bumped it with my own, knowing that our little spat was over.
Jacob finally calmed his hysterics as he knelt back down. "God, you're incredibly sexy when you put my brothers in their place… But when you're empowered and outspoken like that? It does things to me that I can't even begin to describe."
It was my turn to blush now as Jacob pecked my lips before standing back up.
"Bleh, that's my cue to leave. I'm serious about the party. Let me know if you change your mind!" Quil jumped up from his chair and headed for the door. "Talk her into it, Jake!"
As Jacob strode back over to the car, he called over his shoulder, "I'll never talk Nessie into anything. It's up to her!"
Even though this was a small situation, I smiled. Jacob never pushed me to do anything. He never decided things without my input, and he always, always respected my opinions and decisions. He knows how important it is for me to have some semblance of independence with the very overprotective vampire family I was born into.
When Quil was gone, I set my book off to the side and walked over to Jacob. He was messing with something under the hood of the car again. I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind, resting my hands on his chest and my cheek on his back. He dropped his tool and turned around.
I touched his face and showed him how he kissed me a second ago – it was too quick. I wanted him to kiss me more.
He grinned before grabbing my hands and towing me to the corner of his garage where he had a makeshift shelf. "Do you trust me?"
I looked at him skeptically. "Of course."
He put his hands on my waist then lifted me up and set me on the shelf. I gasped as his arms circled around me and his lips started peppering kisses on my neck. I wrapped an arm around his back and took one hand into his hair. His warm lips felt heavenly against the sensitive skin on my neck. I opened my legs, wrapped them around his waist, and used them to pull him closer to me.
His lips moved up to my jaw, cheek, and, finally, my lips. He kissed me softly at first, but the kiss became more urgent as I tightened my legs around his waist. Jacob kissed my other cheek and moved down to kiss the other side of my neck. "Jake…" I murmured breathlessly.
"Mmm," he responded into my neck. "Fuck, I love when you say my name like that, Ness."
He kissed his way back up to my lips and melted his body into mine even more. I felt the hard bulge in his jeans press against my soft center. A moan escaped the back of my throat as I kissed him more intensely, everything becoming a needy mess of lips, tongues, and teeth.
I let one of my hands trace the planes of his perfect chest before resting my fingers on the waistband of his jeans.
I silently showed Jacob how I wanted to touch him, and how I wanted him to touch me. I let my fingers travel a little lower.
He pulled away much too soon, even when I used almost all my strength to try and keep him close. This was the most intense he'd ever let one of our make out sessions get. When I asked him about his hesitation in our physical relationship recently, he just said he wanted us to take things slow.
But that was the opposite of what I wanted.
"I have a birthday present for you," Jacob murmured.
"Is it more kisses? Because that's all I really want." I pouted as I looked up at him.
He laughed and pecked my lips one more time before breaking away from my arms and legs. He opened a drawer to the side of where I was sitting. He pulled out a little velvet jewelry box and handed it to me.
I eyed the box hesitantly. Jacob didn't have a ton of extra money lying around to spend on something as frivolous as jewelry.
"Just open it," he said with a chuckle.
I lifted the lid and marveled at the dainty necklace inside. It was a thin, silver chain with a simple pearl pendant. It was beautiful, and it looked old.
"It was my mom's," Jacob answered before I could ask.
I beamed. "It's absolutely beautiful… But what about your sisters? They wouldn't want this?"
"They already have the things they want," he assured me as he took the box from my hand. He carefully took the necklace out. I turned to the side and lifted my hair for him to fasten it in place. The way his calloused, strong fingers felt against the back of my neck sent a shiver of desire down my spine.
"Since your seashell necklace broke, I thought you needed a more sophisticated replacement."
"This is perfect, Jake. I love it so, so much. Thank you." I carefully pinched the pearl with my index finger and thumb.
He grinned. "Do you want a traditional 21st birthday party like Quil suggested? We will do whatever you want to do."
I scrunched my face up. "No. I like our normal birthday routine of suffering through Alice's party then walking together on the beach. Maybe I'll get some more kisses like that one from a few minutes ago…" He laughed then positioned himself between my legs before bending his head down to kiss me.
. . . . . .
We stuck with my birthday tradition. I was going to have to learn some tricks for getting out of Alice's shenanigans. But, truth be told, I didn't think I would win that battle no matter how hard I fought. Everyone in my family loved the parties Alice had for me. I hated being the center of attention, though; I felt like I had to put on an act.
It was as if everyone in my family was always scrutinizing me. I felt all this pressure to be perfect for some reason, probably because everyone fawned over me all the time. Well, except for my Uncle Emmett and Uncle Jasper; they knew I could hold my own and didn't need anyone's protection.
"Where's that head of yours, birthday girl?" Jacob asked, squeezing my hand. We were walking along the shoreline of First Beach after the party. The sun had set, and it wasn't raining for once. There were actually some stars twinkling in the sky above the water.
I sighed and, through our linked hands, I showed Jacob the evidence of everyone in my family always watching my every move, like I was a porcelain doll that was going to tip over and shatter at the slightest gust of wind.
It was exhausting to feel caged and put up on a pedestal. I could take care of myself, but everyone looked at me like some sacred, rare gem that needed protection at all costs. I didn't want to be sheltered or locked up anymore.
I just wanted to be me.
Not that I even knew who I was.
I was never really given the opportunity.
As I continued to show him the proof, he yanked us to a stop, turned toward me, and pulled me against his insanely warm, incredibly toned chest. I gasped involuntarily at the sudden physical contact. He put a finger under my chin and guided my head back, so I was looking up at him.
"You never have to pretend with me. You know that, right?"
I nodded earnestly. He was the one person I never had to hide anything from. I could just be me, and that was always enough for him. My heart swelled with appreciation for Jacob.
My Jacob.
I loved this man more than I could ever express.
I stood on my tippy toes and pecked his lips. His arms circled around me as he held me in place and pressed his lips to mine once more.
And again, just like earlier in the garage, I was completely at this man's mercy. All thoughts disappeared from my mind and all the surrounding sounds fizzled away. My only focus was Jacob's lips and his body that was pressing into my own.
Jacob's hand traveled up to cup my face as he deepened the kiss, causing me to let out an involuntary moan that was hiding in the back of my throat.
Being so absorbed in my intimate moment with Jacob, I hadn't been aware of my surroundings until I felt a large hand, that wasn't Jacob's, grip my shoulder roughly from behind.
That was mistake number one - distraction. My Uncle Jasper would've scolded me for my careless oversight.
I acted solely on instinct alone. I pushed Jacob away from me, whirled slightly to the side and thrusted my elbow up into the unidentified person's nose. They wailed and hunched forward, giving me perfect access to their gut as I thrusted my knee into it a few times. They fell to their knees, and I stepped in front of them, preparing to send a punch into their jaw. I drew my arm back.
"Nessie, what the hell!" The person yelled, knocking me out of my instinctive trance. I was finally able to tap back into my senses fully, and I realized who was on the ground before me. I lowered my fist and dropped to my knees in front of my friend.
"Seth?" I questioned, reaching out to put my hands on his shoulders. "Oh, I'm so sorry! You scared the shit out of me!"
"I scared you?" He laughed as he gripped his nose tightly and snapped it back into place. I guess I broke it. Whoops. "You're the one that just went apeshit on me! Damn, you're quick!"
"Don't sneak up on people like that if you don't want to get hurt," I snickered. "What are you doing here?"
"I saw the two of you walking and I was just coming over to wish you a happy birthday." Seth hadn't been at my party earlier because he was running patrol.
"Well, I hope you learned your lesson about trying to scare me," I laughed. "But, seriously, are you okay?"
"After resetting my nose, I'm pretty sure my fractured ribs will be healed in a couple hours. Remind me to never get on your bad side." He chuckled again and shook his head. "Yet another reason why you're Jake's imprint."
My brow furrowed in confusion as I stood up from the sand. I turned around to find Jacob wide-eyed, with his brows raised and lips parted. He wore an expression of admiration that made my cheeks flush.
"What?" I asked somewhat self-consciously.
A huge, beautiful grin took up half his face as he strode the few steps back toward me, wrapped me in his arms, and pressed several quick kisses all over my face as he murmured, "That," kiss. "Was the," kiss. "Sexiest thing," kiss. "I've ever seen," kiss. "In my entire life," kiss.
I pushed away from him with a shy giggle. He was still looking at me in awe, like he'd never really seen me before. "It's sexy that I beat up your brother? I don't think Seth feels the same way."
I turned to look at Seth as he stood up. "Don't sweat it, Nessie. But, like I said, don't ever put me on your shit list, please."
"What did you mean a second ago when you said, 'another reason why I'm Jake's imprint'?"
"Imprints are thought to be a person's complete and total equal, their corresponding half that makes them a better version of themselves… You being able to bring me down like you just did?" Seth shook his head. "Well, only a few people can do that and two of them are standing next to me right now."
I smiled triumphantly as I turned back to Jacob. He wore the proudest expression I'd ever seen in my life.
I never considered imprinting in that way before – Jacob and I being complete and total equals… I was just as strong and skilled as the Alpha of the wolf pack because we were mates? That's why he imprinted on me – because we were each one side of the same coin? My heart swelled for the second time tonight.
I'd never been given an identity like that before. I felt like everyone in my family wanted me to be a damsel-in-distress.
But I wasn't.
And Jacob thought it was sexy that I could hold my own, that we were equals, that we made a perfect, proportionate team.
Jacob wrapped an arm around my waist again and kissed my head. I could still feel the pride radiating off him.
"I might be your Alpha," he said with a nod toward Seth. "But she's mine."
25 Years Old
I reached up and ran my fingers through Jacob's beautifully thick, russet-colored fur. He crouched down and leaned into my touch as I scratched behind his ear. I let my hand travel all the way down his body as I walked down toward his tail. He let out a small whimper that I translated as pleasure.
I walked back toward his head and planted a kiss on his wet nose. He nuzzled his head into my neck and licked me, making me giggle. He made a noise that sounded like laughter and licked my neck one more time before I stepped away from him since it tickled. He made a sound that I translated into laughter.
"Most of my family is leaving for a hunting trip tonight. I have the cottage all to myself, and… I want you to come stay the night with me." I said to him.
He snorted and squinted his eyes, as if to say that he didn't know if that was a good idea. He looked toward the trees, and I knew he was debating on going to phase so we could both talk.
I reached forward and ran my fingers through the fur on his neck again, knowing that would stop him. He leaned into my touch, completely distracted and subdued.
"Please, Jake…" I whispered, knowing he was unable to say no to me when I asked that way, especially when he was in his wolf form.
He whimpered, but I smirked. "Come over around 8:00. I love you." I petted his head and kissed his muzzle before turning and quickly running away from him, back toward my house.
. . . . . . . .
Jacob knocked on the cottage's front door later that evening. I skipped to the door and threw it open immediately. My family left about an hour before, so we were completely alone. Only my grandparents stayed behind, but they were at the main house. I was careful to stay away from my dad as much as possible today as I planned my night alone with Jacob.
I grinned as I saw the smirk on Jacob's face. "You're shameless, Nessie."
I reached for his hand and pulled him inside as I laughed. "I just know how to get what I want."
"Yeah, you sneak up on me in the forest when I'm working, scare the shit out of me, making me think something is wrong, then you –" I closed the door then turned around and looked at him, causing him to pause mid-sentence. "Look at me like that," he finished in a whisper as he swallowed and nodded his head toward me.
I took a deep breath. "Look at you like what?"
"I don't know," he laughed nervously. "Suggestively," he decided.
I felt myself blush as I smiled and walked closer to him, reaching for his hands. I searched his eyes for a second then began towing him toward my room. "C'mon."
I closed the door behind us. I wasn't about to wait any longer for the night to start. I'd been waiting far too long for this moment with Jacob. The only light in the room was from the bright moonlight that was pouring in through my open window. Jacob's tan skin appeared even more beautiful with the subtle light gleaming off of it. I wondered what the rest of him would look like in the soft, subtle lighting.
We were standing a few feet apart. I slowly kicked off my shoes, and he did, too. Our eyes were locked in on each other as we both took the few steps forward to close the distance. I wrapped my arms around his back and tilted my head up. His lips instantly pressed into my own. The fire spread across my body like it always did. I felt my heart pound and my breathing become jagged. I deepened the kiss, sliding my tongue into his mouth. Our tongues moved slowly together at first, but their dance quickened.
I reached up and touched Jacob's face. I showed him how he made my body react when he kissed me this way – everything felt tingly, warm, and excited. I wondered what it would feel like for him to kiss new places on my body… Places he'd never seen or touched before.
"Mmm," he moaned against my lips before pulling away. He was breathless as he asked, "Is that really what this is, Ness?"
"What?" I asked, panting.
"Sex?"
I thought it was obvious, but with my hand still on his cheek, I showed us on my bed, slowly undressing each other, kissing every inch of each other's naked bodies before –
Jacob grabbed my wrist and moved my hand away from his face as he took a few steps back and turned away from me. He looked out the window pensively.
I felt myself get more nervous all of a sudden. Didn't Jacob want this with me, too? The last two years had been filled with make-out sessions. We'd never crossed the line into anything more, but we'd definitely been close many times.
"Jake," I whispered anxiously. He slowly turned to look at me after a few seconds. "Do you not want to do this? It's okay if you don't want to yet."
"Of course, I want to, Nessie," he took a step closer to me and reached for my hand. "I just want to make sure this is the right time…"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
Jacob laughed anxiously. "Well, I just want to make sure this is what you really want. We've never really talked about when the right time would be. I mean… It's okay for us to wait, there's no rush. But don't take that as me not wanting you. Because, goddamn, Nessie, I want you so bad… I just want this to be the way you want it to be. I don't want to pressure you, or –"
"Jake," I said, cutting him off. He was nervous, and it was, honestly, the most adorable thing I'd ever seen.
I reached up to hold his face and showed him how much I loved him and wanted this with him. I flooded his mind with every kiss, every touch, every memory over the past two years where I felt adoration, protection, and yearning.
So much damn yearning.
Being married first, or waiting for some magical fairytale time, was archaic and something I had absolutely no interest in. I was never going to want him more than I did right now.
"I want you too, Renesmee. God, you have no idea how much." His breath became jagged. He paused for a second then huskily said, "I want every inch of your body to be covered in my scent, so the entire world knows you're mine."
A rush of fire flooded down my spine and pooled at my center as his words echoed in my ears. I swallowed. "I want that, too."
He quickly reached forward and lifted me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist as his lips urgently pressed into mine. He started walking toward my bed where he laid me down gently before climbing on top of me. The way Jacob's body felt pressed heavily into mine was indescribable… The heat continued spreading through my body like wildfire as Jacob took his mouth down to my neck. He kissed and nibbled my skin slowly, his warm breath giving me goosebumps.
I reached down, grabbed handfuls of his shirt, and yanked up. He sat up briefly as I threw the shirt to the floor and ran my fingers up and down his smooth back muscles, his insanely toned, strong arms, and washboard abs.
Jacob's lips traveled back up to mine. He held my hips firmly then quickly flipped us over, so I was on top of him. My heart started thumping unevenly again as my center landed right on top of the bulge in his jeans.
Holy shit.
I quickly lifted my own shirt up and over my head before leaning down and attacking Jacob's lips again. His hands ran up and down my back. I tugged on his bottom lip with my teeth, something he recently told me he liked. He moaned, which made my underwear feel incredibly wet and uncomfortable.
I kissed down to his neck and peppered him in fevering kisses and nibbles. I let my hands travel down his arms and squeeze around his muscular biceps – the arms that were incredibly strong yet held me so tenderly.
Jacob's hands rested on my bra clasp. I showed him an image of him taking it off and massaging my breasts with his hands… and maybe his mouth.
I felt my cheeks flush when I heard Jacob take in a sharp breath at the scenario I showed him. He cupped my face and guided my head back up so he could kiss me. "You showing me what you want me to do is unbelievably sexy," he whispered against my lips.
"Yet my bra is still on." I observed with a playful pout.
He chuckled then pushed up, so we were both sitting. I was sitting in his lap and my legs were still straddling him as he took his lips back down to my neck. He ran his fingers up and down my back before slowly letting his fingers rest on my bra clasp. He finally unhooked it and guided the straps down my shoulders and arms. He tossed the garment to the side before wrapping his arms around my back and kissing my collarbones. I let my head and neck fall back as his mouth slowly kissed down in between my breasts. I arched my spine, inching my chest closer to him.
If my heart could explode, it would. I was gasping and squirming as Jacob's warm breath finally moved toward one of my breasts where he planted soft kisses. I rocked my hips forward into his, and I moaned at the friction it caused. His mouth finally made contact with my nipple. His tongue gently flicked it up and down a few times.
"Jake," I shrieked as I rocked my hips forward again and brought my head back up so I could watch him as he took my nipple all the way into his mouth and gently sucked. He kissed over to my other breast and repeated the same pattern.
I pushed him back down on the bed and kissed him with as much passion as I could muster. His hands cupped my breasts and massaged them lightly before he pinched my nipples between his index fingers and thumbs. I moaned against his lips.
Okay, we still had way too many clothes on, I decided. I reached down and started to unbutton and unzip his jeans. I scrambled down his body and tugged them down. I unbuttoned my own pants and kicked them off. I laid down on my back and Jacob crawled on top of me. His erection brushed against the inside of my thigh before rubbing against my center again. My hands were tracing up and down his perfect body.
He slowly started kissing down my body – my neck, shoulders, collarbones, breasts, stomach… He kissed all along the waistband of my underwear. His hands went down to my knees as he opened my legs wide. He scooted down even further and started kissing from one of my ankles, up to my knee, my inner thigh, and hip crease. He did the same thing on my other leg.
I planted my feet on the mattress and lifted my hips up for him to slide my underwear off. His fingers slipped under the garment and slowly slid it down my legs until I kicked it to the side.
Jacob sat up for a second and locked his gaze with my own before letting his eyes travel down my naked body. I felt myself blush at his scrutiny, but it wasn't in embarrassment or shame… It was just because I was excited for him to really see all of me.
Jacob's lips were suddenly connected to my own as he kissed me sweetly. "Renesmee, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on," he whispered before slowly tracing his fingers up and down my thighs.
I spread my legs and Jacob simultaneously kissed me and let his fingers explore my aching center. I ripped away from the kiss, needing more oxygen as I threw my head back against my pillow. My heart was racing, and I was probably panting in a very unsexy way.
Jacob nibbled my neck as his callused fingers moved slowly, tenderly, against the most sensitive part of me. He angled his hand, slipping a finger inside of me and used his thumb to circle around my sensitive bundle of nerves. Holy shit. The sensations made all my muscles tighten.
My hips seemed to gain a mind of their own as they started grinding against his magnificent fingers. Fire was building all throughout my body in the most overwhelming, all-consuming way.
Then his hand was gone, causing me to whimper.
"I need to taste you," Jacob said as he pecked my lips then shifted his body down on the bed. He kissed my inner thighs again. I rocked my hips up.
He unhurriedly kissed my outer lips, which caused me to tangle my fingers in his hair. Finally, he made contact with my inner lips as he peppered me with kisses before allowing the tip of his tongue to slowly lick me from bottom to top. His tongue swirled and flicked once it reached that throbbing spot near the top.
I threw my head back against my pillows again, arching my spine as I pushed my center more toward his heavenly tongue.
"Fuck," I murmured. I don't think I had ever said that word out loud before, but it slipped out unconsciously and was incredibly relevant to describe the sensation of Jacob being buried between my legs.
I heard Jacob groan after hearing the word. He continued to masterfully lick and flick his tongue. I started rocking my hips to the tempo he set with his movements. He slowly increased his pace.
I felt my body begin to build and tighten. The fire grew hotter, and the heat began to spread. I moved my hips quicker, and Jacob increased the speed of his glorious licks. He reached up with both of his hands to cup my breasts and pinch my nipples. That did it. All my muscles contracted before I flew over the edge of the cliff and the tingling fire took over my entire body.
"Jacob!" I shrieked. "Oh my… Uhhh, Jake… Jake!" I rode my wonderful orgasm to its end then collapsed into the bed as the flames slowly died down, and I tried to remember that I had control over my breathing.
Fuck, that was better than I ever imagined.
Of course, I'd experienced orgasms on numerous occasions from my own fingers buried between my legs, but it was different with Jacob.
Indescribably different.
Holy fuck.
We were not leaving this bed this weekend after that.
When I finally remembered how to open my eyes, Jacob's warm brown eyes were the first thing I saw as he leaned down to kiss me sweetly. That ignited another fire deeper inside of me. One where I imagined him filling me up, slowly moving in and out of me.
I reached up and touched his face – I showed him lying on his back before I took off his boxers and took him into my mouth. I wasn't really sure what to do, but I wanted to taste him, too.
He flipped us over immediately, eager to make my image a reality. I giggled quietly before kissing my way down toward his boxers. My fingers slid under the waistband as he lifted his hips. I tossed his underwear to the side and gasped. I glanced up at his naked body, taking all of him in.
Jacob was… stunningly beautiful – the more gorgeous thing I'd ever seen in my life.
He… He was perfect in every way imaginable.
I leaned down and stamped kisses along his generous length. I slipped the tip of his cock into my mouth and swirled my tongue there. I looked up at him, a little unsure of what would feel good for him. I silently showed him my uncertainty.
"Nessie… Shit," Jacob groaned above me. That was the sexiest noise I'd ever heard in my life.
"Trust me, you can't do anything wrong, baby. Just move your hand or head up and down," I swirled my tongue over the head of his cock again. "Or, fuck, keep doing that…Or, or do whatever you want."
I smirked at his incoherence from my lips being wrapped around him. I slowly let my mouth glide down. There was no way all of him would fit into my mouth, so I used my hand for assistance. I bobbed my head and hand up and down several times.
"Fuck, Ness…"
Damn, he tasted amazing. He let out another unintelligible groan that made the fire between my legs ignite again. I started moving my head quicker, but Jacob's hands gently rested on my face as he held me firmly to stop my movements.
"Come back up here," he whispered. I obliged and crawled up his body. He was still holding my face as he kissed me. I felt his erection in between my legs, lining up at my center. I rocked my hips forward and moaned against his lips at the bare contact.
Jacob flipped us over again, so I was lying on my back. He got up quickly and grabbed a condom I laid out on my nightstand. He must have spotted it earlier. I watched as he ripped it open quickly and guided it on.
I wasn't sure if it was really needed, but better safe than sorry, I decided. I only got my period two or three times in the span of a year.
Jacob was back on top of me within seconds. He used one of his arms to support his weight and the other tangled in my hair as he gazed into my eyes.
I'd never seen him look so vulnerable, so open and sensitive… It was like I could see all of him, and he could see all of me. My soul was weaving around his in the most unbreakable way.
"Ness, I love you more than anything. You are everything."
"I love you, too, Jake. So, so much." He leaned his head down toward mine. We kissed soft and slow.
I bucked my hips up toward his. He understood my cue and positioned himself at my opening before kissing me again. "We'll go slow… Tell me if you want to stop."
"I will," I said before grasping on to his hips and pulling him forward. I wanted him inside of me now. The ache was too overwhelming, and I wanted him to make it go away.
He pushed the tip of his cock inside of me, and we both gasped at the connection. He continued moving in at snail-speed. I winced and he stopped immediately, waiting for me to give him the green light to continue.
"Keep going," I whispered. "Go all the way in." He leaned down and kissed me before doing as I requested. I took a deep breath then pushed against Jacob's hips, urging him to pull out and go back in again. He did as I prompted, following my lead.
After a few thrusts, the pain dissipated, and pleasure began to slowly take over. It felt like our bodies were made to fit together in this way – two perfect puzzle pieces. I blinked my eyes open to look up at Jacob. I held his face as I showed him how this felt – like we were completely united, totally connected, our souls were sauntered together, we fit together so effortlessly.
"Oh, Ness," he whispered lovingly before melting our lips in a kiss.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and began meeting his thrusts with my own as I encouraged him to move at a quicker pace. I wrapped my arms around his back and dug my fingernails into his flesh. My muscles were starting to tighten again as Jacob thrusted me back up toward the peak of my glorious mountain.
Faster, Jake. I told him silently as I showed him how close I was. He immediately began moving in and out of me even quicker. I felt the muscles in his back tightening as his next thrust pushed me over the edge once again. I threw my head back as my spine arched, toes curled, and everything that wasn't Jacob melted away.
He pushed into me once more before he unraveled just a second after me. "Nessie, Nessie… Fuck."
He collapsed forward, burying his face in my hair, and nuzzling my neck. I hadn't figured out how to open my eyes or move yet. I focused on taking deep breaths.
I lazily reached up and ran my fingers up and down Jacob's back. He finally pushed himself up so we could look at each other. We both smiled before leaning into another kiss. Jacob slowly pulled out of me, causing me to gasp at the last sensation. He laid on his back and pulled me into his side, so I was laying partially on his chest. He wrapped both of his arms around me.
I reached up to touch his face. I showed him what our plan was going to be for the rest of the weekend – we were not going to wear any clothes. He was going to tell Leah that she was in charge the next two days. We were not leaving my bed. We were going to repeat everything that we'd just done, but in other ways. I wasn't going to take "no" for an answer.
Jacob chuckled before reaching for my hand and kissing it. "Yes, ma'am," he said before tilting my chin up to kiss me.
Still 25 Years Old (4 Years Later)
"I'm so proud of you, Ness!" Jacob said, coming up to hug me from behind and knocking my graduation cap off. I turned around, and he scooped me up into his arms and twirled me around like I was a little kid. I laughed.
We just got back to the cottage after my graduation ceremony for my bachelors' degrees. The rest of my family was at the main house. Alice insisted that everyone stay to help her decorate for the inevitable party she was throwing for me with all my family and friends – vampire, werewolf, and human. It was going to be quite the ordeal, unfortunately.
Once Jake set me down, I unzipped the graduation gown and tossed it on a chair. I turned around and pulled my hair to the side. "Unzip the back for me, will you?" Alice made me wear a dress under my graduation gown, and I was ready to change into something more comfortable. She would be pissed when I showed up to the party in jeans, but I didn't care.
Jacob reached forward and unzipped the back. He slowly slid the fabric off my shoulders and leaned down to plant kisses on my neck and bare shoulders. My heart started pounding as I turned around to face him. His lips went down to my collarbones as he moved the dress down a little further. My legs started to feel wobbly, but he wrapped his arms around me to steady me.
He slid the dress all the way down until it plopped onto the wooden floor. I stepped out of it and kicked it to the side. Jacob's mouth was suddenly on my bare breasts as he peppered them with kisses. He took one of my nipples into his mouth, swirled his tongue, and sucked. I moaned as my underwear became soaked.
"I noticed your hard nipples earlier in this dress," he mumbled as he moved to my other breast. "And I couldn't wait to take it off of you if I got the chance."
"I'm definitely not complaining," I panted. "But we should probably hurry – I don't know when they'll be done decorating."
He picked me up and pressed his lips to mine in a passionate kiss. He laid me down on the bed then quickly began undressing himself. Goddamn, was I ever not going to find this man insanely sexy? I was never going to get enough of him.
As he was kicking off his boxers, I sat up on the bed and scooted so I was sitting on the edge. I swiftly took his hard cock into my mouth and started sucking him.
"Fuck, Ness, uh…" Jacob moaned. I pushed him back so I could kneel on the floor at a better angle. I took my mouth down to his balls and slowly licked and kissed them, too.
Jacob's hands clasped my upper arms as he pulled me up and pushed me back down on the bed. He reached down and peeled my underwear off before quickly spreading my legs. Jacob was the king of taking things slow, so this was a somewhat rougher side of him that I was thoroughly enjoying.
He pulsed a finger inside of me. "You're always so wet for me, Renesmee."
I shivered at the way my name sounded on his lips. He added another finger and pumped them in and out a few times before he took his mouth to my inner lips. He flicked his tongue up toward the most sensitive part of me.
"Jacob…" I was just starting to build when he stopped. I whimpered as he reached for my hips and swiftly flipped me over on to my stomach. I gasped when he spanked my bottom.
Who was this Jacob!?
Not that I was complaining.
I heard him rip open a condom wrapper with his teeth and roll it on before reaching for my hips again and pulling them up, so I was on all fours.
"I usually make love to you, but today I'm going to fuck you, Nessie. Hard."
My breath caught in my throat in a wild gasp. Anticipation flooded through my body as I felt my center pool with even more heat, more desire, more need.
Jacob leaned over me until his lips brushed my ear. "Let me know if I hurt you, or if I do anything you don't like," he whispered huskily. I nodded in response, completely at a loss for words.
He stood back up, gripped my hip with one hand and positioned himself at my opening with the other. He didn't waste any time as he slammed into me roughly. If he wasn't gripping my hips, I would have fallen, or maybe flown, forward.
"Jake!" I shrieked. He had never been this… primal with me before; it was incredibly hot. He kept one hand on my hip and reached up to grab a fistful of my hair with his other hand as he continued his thrusts.
I was getting close already. I let out another moan. Jacob pulled all the way out of me, and I almost screamed at him in fury. He laid down on the bed next to me, on his back, and pulled me up to straddle him. I frowned and reached to touch his face to show him how frustrated I was. He knew I was close both times and stopped. Why!?
He chuckled. "Trust me, babe."
I reached down to position him at my center before I rocked my hips back for him fill me up. I leaned down to kiss him as I began to pump my hips, thankful that I was in control now. I sat back up, rested my hands on his chest, and continued riding him. He reached up and palmed my breasts before pinching my nipples.
"Hold on tight to the headboard." Jacob ordered. "Don't let go." I did as he instructed.
He held my hips firmly then began thrusting up into me roughly, similarly to how he had when I was on all fours, but this position was hitting that specific spot better, and…
Fuck.
If Jake pulled away again when I started getting close, I was probably going to start crying in frustration. I needed this release from him terribly after the teasing.
"Come for me, Ness," Jacob muttered. "Let go, baby. Let me see and feel you come on my cock."
His words alone were enough to be my undoing.
Faster and faster, building and building…
Until I finally burst.
But this wasn't the typical bursting. It was so much more intense than normal.
"Jacob, Jacob… Holy shit!" I yelled as I rode my glorious orgasm. "Oh my god… Fuck!"
My entire body became jelly on top of him as I collapsed forward, trying to regain my right mind but failing miserably.
Jacob flipped us over skillfully. He grabbed my legs and propped them up, so my feet were near his shoulders. He slowly pulled out and thrusted into me again.
I was finally able to open my eyes, and… Fuck.
He was so hot, and I was building up again at just the sight of him. Was that possible?
He went so much deeper with my legs up, and I stifled a loud moan by biting my lip. I watched Jacob hold on to my legs and pulse in and out of me while his face contorted with his own pleasure. His muscles were tense and glistening with sweat.
He slammed into me roughly several more times, causing me to unravel again just as he found his own release, too.
He pulled out of me and collapsed on his back. Once I remembered how to open my eyes, I scrambled over and propped my elbow on his chest as I looked up at his face, waiting for him to come down from his high. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair.
He finally blinked his eyes open and noticed me smirking at him. "What?" He asked, amused.
"You will do that to me again… It was…" I had no good words to describe the experience.
"Ms. College Graduate can't even form coherent sentences after being thoroughly fucked, huh?" He chuckled loudly. I swatted his chest playfully but couldn't contain my own laughter either.
"You'll be lucky if I allow you to ever touch me again after that comment." I made a theatrical attempt to pull away from him and get up, but he circled his arms around me and held me firmly against his chest. I wasn't complaining.
He leaned his head down to kiss me before muttering, "You're going to be crawling back to me after that party tonight, begging for me to take you from behind again."
I blushed and immediately felt my arousal return. I knew he could scent it, so I couldn't even disagree with him. Jerk.
"That's what I thought," Jacob chuckled again. "I think that can be arranged. Don't worry."
I rolled my eyes. "I think it's you that will be crawling back to me, you lovestruck puppy dog."
"Oh, Nessie darling," he said mockingly. "There's no doubt in my mind about that. I will never get enough of you."
He pecked my lips before I glanced over at the clock. "As much as I want to lay here in bed naked with you the rest of the afternoon, I think we have to get ready for the party."
He reached out to hold my face before leaning forward to kiss me sweetly. "Okaaaay," he finally said with an exaggerated sigh. We both smiled then slowly got up to get dressed. Jacob grabbed his clothes and went into the bathroom.
I pulled on some clean underwear and jeans. I was contemplating what shirt to wear while running my fingers through my messy hair when Jacob walked back into the room. When I turned to look at him, he had a concerned expression on his face.
I walked over to him immediately. "What is it, Jake? What's wrong?"
He tried to respond, but I couldn't hear him.
His lips were moving, but no sound was coming out of them.
I reached up to shake his shoulders. What was happening!?
"Jacob! Jacob, what's going on? What's –?"
I was cut off by the smell of blood.
There was blood everywhere; it was pouring in from the window, seeping in through the ceiling and door.
I was standing in a pool of blood up to my knees while Jacob screamed my name over and over again in terror. That I could hear.
Jacob was suddenly in a cage, trying to break out of it to get to me, but he couldn't.
No one could get in, no one could help me.
I was alone.
I was trapped.
It was my fault the blood was there. I was the cause of all the suffering.
I collapsed onto the floor, closed my eyes, and hoped for death to take me as I drowned in the blood.
But then someone was carrying me and there were trees flashing by as I looked up at the cloudy night sky.
A bright white light shined in my eyes and there was excruciating pain in my abdomen, causing me to scream…
Present (3 Years Later)
I felt someone place their hand on my arm and gently shake me. "Hey, Nessie," the voice said.
My eyes snapped open. I sat up quickly and looked around me. I was shaking, and my heart was racing. I was totally disoriented. I reached up and rubbed my eyes, realizing that my cheeks were wet. I scrubbed the tears away then looked to my right to see who had woken me.
"Hey, I think you were having a bad dream or something," Steven, the passenger sitting next to me on the plane, said. "Are you okay?"
No, I'm not fucking okay, I wanted to answer grimly.
"Yeah, sorry," I rubbed my eyes again. "I was having a nightmare, I guess." Well, it was a beautiful dream, actually… Until the end.
Leave it to me to fuck up something beautiful.
"Here," he handed me an unopened bottle of water.
"Thanks," I muttered as I unscrewed the top and took a long swig.
"We're about to land in a few minutes. The captain just announced our arrival."
I turned and stared at Steven, wide-eyed. "What! It's already been eight hours?"
"Yeah," Steven laughed. "You were out the entire time. You must have been exhausted."
I shook my head. "Yeah, I guess you're right." I took my headphones off since my music had stopped playing anyway. I shoved them into my backpack with my book.
"Hey, I wanted to give you my number in case you're wandering around Panama City tonight, unsure where to go for dinner or whatever. I know the area really well. We could get a drink together or something if you want." He handed me a small piece of paper with his phone number.
Ugh, that was the last thing I wanted, but I took the paper from him politely and shoved it into my backpack, too. "That's nice of you, thanks… I need to get checked into my hotel and stuff then I'll let you know."
I was never going to talk to this guy again, but he seemed nice, and I didn't want to crush his ego.
He smiled. "I look forward to hearing from you later then."
Chapter 6
Notes:
I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"long story short" by Taylor Swift
And I fell from the pedestal
Right down the rabbit hole
Long story short, it was a bad time
Pushed from the precipice
Clung to the nearest lips
Long story short, it was the wrong guy
RPOV
Hi. This is Nessie. We met earlier on the plane. Is your offer to meet up for a drink still on the table?
Ugh, no.
I erase the text message as quickly as I typed it out because it sounds like a business transaction instead of a casual message. I don't know how to do any of this. Frankly, I don't even know if I want to hang out with some random guy I met on a plane.
But, fuck, I have to do something.
I've been pacing my hotel room for an hour. I can't sit still. I don't know what I was thinking – leaving my lonely home in Washington just to be alone in a damn hotel room. Things will be better once I get to Asunción tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll feel less antsy.
But I have to get through tonight first. And I can't sit inside my hotel room alone for another second.
I scowl at my phone and try again: Hey, Steven! This is Nessie from the plane earlier.
I press the little arrow to send the message before I chicken out for the hundredth time. I toss my phone on the bed and start pacing again.
If Steven doesn't respond, I'm still going out. I'm not sure where, but anywhere is better than staring at the weird green and red wallpaper in here while I attempt to control my racing thoughts.
My head is a terrifying place to live right now. I've built up a lot of walls around the most traumatic things – the things that, if I think about them, I have a panic attack. And the only thing that gets me through a panic attack is… Jacob.
I close my eyes at the thought of him and force myself to take a deep breath to refocus. Distraction. I need distractions. What do normal people do when they are trying to divert their focus from their problems?
It seems like vampires are really good at compartmentalizing things and not dwelling on past emotional heartache once it's over. Unluckily for me, I think my brain and emotional capacity is identical to that of other humans. Heightened senses, strength, speed… I got all the physical things in lower capacities, but none of the emotional or psychological traits.
So, what do humans do when they are trying to distract themselves away from emotional pain? I run through all the humans I know and have interacted with… Alcohol seems the be the biggest numbing agent most humans use. Followed closely by all other types of drugs. Sex is another form of release for most… What else helps someone escape? Maybe reading? Watching T.V.? No, I can't sit still to save my fucking life. I cringe at the idea of trying to sleep later.
My phone screen lights up, so I lunge toward the bed. I unlock my phone and quickly read the response from Steven: Nessie, I was beginning to lose hope that you'd text me! Wanna meet up for a drink? Where are you staying?
I type a quick response, telling him the name of my hotel and that I would like to meet up with him. He replies almost instantly and tells me the name of a restaurant and bar just a block away from my hotel. Obviously, I agree then leave my room as soon as I pull my shoes on.
It's warm outside as I trek toward the restaurant that's just down the street, according to Google Maps. I get there in less than five minutes. A hostess greets me in Spanish and seats me at a small booth near the back.
I just start to look over the menu, which is also in Spanish, when Steven plops down across from me and scoots himself into the booth. He has shaggy dark brown hair, golden skin, and bright hazel eyes. I suppose he's good-looking for a human. I think about the human friend I made in college, Avery. Avery would definitely think Steven is cute.
"Hey!" Steven says with a grin. "You get all settled into your hotel for the night?"
I try to smile back, but I don't know if it comes off as genuine or not. "Yes, all settled. You're staying with your family, right?"
"Yep. My parents made a huge feast of food and all my family – brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins – were there. We always have these huge family get togethers that can get really loud and obnoxious. You are currently saving me from enduring the 'what are you going to do with your life' talk from my grandfather."
I let out a small laugh. Steven is a talker, which I am very appreciative of since I don't feel like speaking about myself. "Glad I can be of service."
"Seriously, I owe you. Any drink you want, it's on me."
"Uh," I say awkwardly as I glance down at the menu. "I –"
"Oh, duh!" Steven says as he gestures toward the list of drinks. "All of this is in Spanish. You probably need help translating, huh?"
I shake my head. "I can read Spanish just fine for the most part, but I've never had a drink before, so I don't know what I should order. Any suggestions?"
Steven's eyes widen. "Never?"
"Nope. Never."
"How old are you? Are you even allowed to be in the bar area?"
I roll my eyes and let out a scornful laugh. "I'm 25. I just grew up in a very…" I pause, trying to choose the correct adjective. "Sheltered family."
"Well, let me walk you through a quick Alcohol 101 lesson, then," Steven says with a smirk. He launches into describing the different types of alcohol and how I should probably order a sweet drink to start with, like a Piña Colada, strawberry daiquiri, or mojito. I tell him I want something kind of strong, so he suggests a Cosmopolitan, which is what I end up ordering. Steven orders himself a beer. Once our drinks arrive, we cheers before taking our first sips.
I wrinkle my nose at the initial taste of the vodka, but as the liquid makes its way down, my body begins to feel warm and tingly. I take another sip and my nerves begin to settle. Whoa. I can see why humans use alcohol to escape. I wonder if my accelerated heart rate will burn through the alcohol quicker than it does for humans.
I'm curious why I never tried alcohol before. I had opportunities to, but it wasn't ever something I had an interest in. Maybe because I never needed an escape.
I ask Steven questions about his family, job, and the town he lives in back in the U.S. He moved to Colorado when he was 19 with his older brother. He's now 27 and currently works as an assistant manager at a grocery store. He has a dog that he hikes with every weekend, and even though they drive him crazy, he loves his family fiercely.
"What about you?" Steven asks after telling me a quirky story about how his dog, Marla, ate one of his socks and had to have emergency surgery to remove it. "I've been talking for the last hour all about me."
I finish off the rest of the liquid in my second Cosmo. Our waitress comes over and we both order a third round. I'm not sure if that's a good idea because my head is starting to feel a little cloudy, but my anxiousness is still kind of non-existent. I'm also feeling… Light. I haven't felt light like this in a very, very long time.
"What do you wanna know?"
Steven finishes his second beer and sets the glass to the side. "You said your family kept you pretty sheltered?"
"That's the understatement of the century," I say with a lighthearted laugh. I shake my head a little and remind myself to focus so I don't say something stupid like, I don't know, how my family is full of vampires and werewolves. Or how I can communicate telepathically through touch.
I often find myself wishing I was just a normal human. If I was, none of the bad shit with Jacob and my family would've happened… I push those thoughts away, back behind the walls in my mind.
I feel like I don't fit in anywhere sometimes. I'm not a full vampire, so I often feel out of place with my family. I'm not a werewolf, so that family (if I can even call them that now) doesn't understand the part of me that is a vampire. I'm always the odd one out.
Being different never used to bother me until recently. Until it meant that some of my life decisions were taken away from me and from Jacob. And if there's one thing that pisses me off to end, it's me not having a say in decisions that affect me... I tuck that baggage away again, which is easy enough to do with the vodka relaxing my nerves.
So, anyway, this interaction right now with Steven feels nice – me pretending to be a full-human woman having a drink with someone who might be a friend.
"That bad, huh?" Steven laughs.
"My parents didn't think they would be able to have children, so when I came along…" I shrug. "They mean well, and I love them immensely, but they can be a little extreme when it comes to my safety, I suppose."
"How the hell did you end up here by yourself then?"
"Good question," I say before thanking the waitress for my drink. I haphazardly pick up the glass stem and take a long swig of the warming liquid that I'm growing very fond of. "I sort of ran away without telling them."
I think Steven is going to spit out the drink he just took, but he gulps it down then starts coughing. The cough quickly turns into roaring laughter. I can't help myself and join in with him. I guess it does sound pretty bizarre – a 25-year-old adult having to run away from home.
"You ran away?" Steven asks once his laugher calms. I nod. "Well, I hope I'm not corrupting you too much by getting you a little drunk on your first night away from home."
I laugh. "This is all of my own choosing, trust me. Plus, I'm starting to really enjoy alcohol."
I sit back in my chair and take a large gulp of my drink. I look past Steven's shoulder and watch a crowd of people dancing. It looks like some sort of Salsa dancing. Steven follows my gaze before turning back to me.
He smiles before taking a drink of his beer. He stands up and holds his hand out to me. "C'mon. Let's dance."
I feel a grin take over my face as I finish the contents of my drink, put my hand in his, and stand up on somewhat wobbly legs. We make it to the dance floor, and I have no idea how to Salsa dance, but Steven is incredibly skilled. I follow his lead and pick it up quickly enough.
Soon, the sounds of the music, the swaying of our bodies, and the buzzing of the alcohol combines in an intoxicating way that makes me feel giddy and carefree. Everything is light and fun and easy. Things haven't felt this way for me in a very, very long time.
Steven twirls me before pulling me closer into his body as he sways his hips in a rhythm that I match. His hands trace up and down the sides of my body.
I look up and meet his gaze before looking down at his lips. Consumed by the lightheadedness, I impulsively lean in and press my mouth to his. His lips feel somewhat rough, and his breath smells like the beer he was drinking. This feels like a normal type of kiss that two humans might share while dancing.
I pull away and look at him, and he smiles before leaning in to initiate the next kiss. This one is more passionate – a mess of our lips and tongues. We don't kiss in-sync with each other well, but my body is still responding, nonetheless. Whether it's the buzzing and tingling from the alcohol or just the physical nature of kissing, I'm not sure.
"Do you want to come back to my hotel with me for a little bit?" I ask.
Sex is yet another form of escapism for humans, right? I mean, it's the best type of release I've ever had from stress. So, meaningless sex might offer some reprieve, right?
Plus, I can't stand the idea of going back to my empty hotel room alone. In fact, I shutter at the idea. I can't be alone with my thoughts again.
And why can't women experience sexual freedom the way men do? Our society still teaches us that it's more acceptable for men to seek out sex than women. Women are supposed to be prim and proper until they are in a serious relationship, then they are expected to be sexual deviants to keep their partner satisfied.
Well, fuck all of that.
Women are sexual creatures, too. We get horny and need physical intimacy just like men do. And that's what I want right now – a physical distraction and release.
Maybe I'm just tipsy. Or drunk. Or crazy. I don't know the difference, but it's probably the latter.
My body is buzzing, and Steven seems nice enough. I just need more escaping. I need something that feels good. I need to not think about anything except for this present moment.
Steven nods. "Let me just leave some cash for the bill."
We walk back to our table. As Steven finishes his beer, I pull out some cash from my purse and leave it on the table. Steven frowns, but I'm insistent that he lets me pay.
We stumble back to my hotel down the street and quickly make our way into my room. As soon as the door clicks closed, I launch myself at Steven before I come to my senses and realize this may not be the best idea. I wrap my arms around his neck and press my lips urgently to his. He kisses me back with the same enthusiasm.
I tug on his shirt and pull it up and over his head. I attack his neck with kisses before taking my own top off.
Steven puts his hands on either side of my face and pulls away for a second. "You sure about this, Nessie? I mean, we've been drinking. Are you –"
"I'm very sure," I nod, cutting him off. In fact, I feel almost entirely sober again. I guess alcohol does burn out of my body a lot quicker than it does for full humans. "Are you?"
"Yes," he responds before our lips melt together again.
Just sex.
Nothing more.
Physical release.
Escaping.
Living in the present.
Making my own decisions.
Doing things that feel good.
Not overthinking.
Not falling back into that dark hole…
Numbing, but still trying to feel alive so I don't lose myself again – like balancing on a tight rope.
Our clothes are fully off, so I tow Steven toward the bed. He rips open a condom he retrieved from the pocket of his jeans and rolls it on. I push him back on the bed, using a little bit of my vampire strength, and climb on top of him. I want to be in control of this.
"Fuck, you know what you want," Steven murmurs. "That's incredibly sexy."
I lean down and kiss him before hovering my breasts over his mouth. He nibbles and sucks at my nipples.
I reach down and position his erection at my entrance. I lean my hips back, and he fills me up.
This definitely feels different than what I'm used to, but I know how to get myself off, and that's all I'm focused on. I mean, I'll make sure it's good for Steven, too, but he already seems like this is totally working for him.
I reach in front of me and hold on to the headboard with one hand then reach down and rub the sensitive bundle of nerves at the apex of my thighs. I pump my hips quickly, anxious for release to find me.
It finally does, and Steven finishes immediately after I do. We've only been in my hotel room for maybe five minutes.
I take a few deep breaths before blinking my eyes open and looking down at him. He smiles, and I try to return the gesture, but it doesn't feel authentic.
I feel a thousand percent sober as I realize this isn't the man I want underneath me.
A lot of people can have meaningless, carefree sex, but I'm definitely not one of those people, apparently.
I think I'm going to throw up.
Tears cloud my vision. I blink a few times, willing them away. I don't think Steven notices. At least, I hope he doesn't. This has nothing to do with him. In fact, I'm feeling pretty fucking guilty for getting him all wrapped up in this now.
I lean forward so he slides out of me then I swing my leg over the side of the bed and stand up. I quickly walk into the bathroom, close the door, and grab a robe that's hanging on a hook to the left of the shower. I shrug it on quickly, feeling incredibly exposed and vulnerable all of a sudden.
I look in the mirror at myself and a wave of nausea hits me again. My eyes are dark and haggard. My skin looks papery and overly pale. My hair is dull and in disarray. I look sickly. My eyes travel a little lower as I continue examining myself.
I stiffen as my gaze laser focuses on the delicate piece of jewelry that's fastened around my neck – the pearl necklace Jacob gave me for my 21st birthday.
The necklace I just wore while fucking someone that wasn't him.
The tears are rushing down my checks now as I hysterically reach behind my neck and unhook the necklace. I don't deserve to wear it. I toss it in my toiletry bag then collapse onto the side of tub and sob quietly, hoping that Steven doesn't hear me.
I hate myself.
I keep fucking everything up.
It's a good thing I left Jacob and my family.
I'm like the fucking plague; I hurt everything and everyone I touch.
I sniff and reach for some toilet paper to wipe the tears and snot from my face. I need to compose myself enough to talk to Steven so I don't freak him out. I can fully fall apart once he leaves.
But I can't make the tears stop now that they've started…
I hear a small bang outside the bathroom. "Ow, shit," Steven mutters.
A sweet, mouthwatering aroma fills the room, reminding me again that I'm not just a normal human; it was idiotic of me to pretend.
I stiffen and hold my breath.
I can't make anymore mistakes, I can't make anymore mistakes…
When's the last time I ate anything – human food or animal blood?
Shit. Not since yesterday morning. I just haven't been feeling hungry. Not until now, anyway.
That bang from a second ago must have been linked to some kind of injury that caused Steven to bleed.
I lock my muscles into place as my dad's words from our conversation yesterday fill my mind: remember who you are, Renesmee.
My dad, no doubt, must be worried that I'll make the same mistakes he did when he separated from my grandparents for a time all those years ago.
I have to get Steven out of here. I wanted him to leave a second ago, but now he needs to leave before anything worse happens. I wipe my eyes quickly then step out of the bathroom. Steven's half dressed, and he's examining the toe he must have injured.
The smell of his blood feels like a slap in the face as I walk closer to him. My throat aches, feeling scratchy and dry. I swallow and remind myself to stay focused.
"Stub your toe?" I ask before handing him a tissue I brought out from the bathroom.
He takes it from me with a sheepish smile. "Yeah, on the corner of the nightstand when I was getting up."
"Ouch," I say before going back to holding my breath the best I can.
He's barely bleeding, so he puts some pressure on his toe with the tissue for a few seconds before tossing the tissue into a small trash can near a desk. I sit down on the bed and watch him finish gathering his things.
He comes to sit by me once he's fully dressed and reaches into my lap to put his hand over mine. "I'm sorry if… if this wasn't what you were expecting or wanting tonight. I could tell you were spooked afterward."
The tears threaten to start their descent again. "I have someone back home," I choke out before reaching up to wipe a traitor tear. "I… I'm sorry. It's complicated. I shouldn't have dragged you into this."
He squeezes my hand. "Don't apologize. It's okay, I understand. You're feeling lost right now."
"Yeah, I really am."
He gives me a sad smile then we sit in silence for a moment. He finally stands up and makes his way toward the door. "If you're ever in Colorado, let me know. We can meet up again. Just as friends."
I nod. "I will. Thanks, Steven."
"It was really nice to meet you, Nessie. Let me know if you need anything else while you're here." I nod again, then he leaves.
I get up quickly from the bed and open the sliding glass door to let in some fresh air. I turn on the A/C and fan in the room before retrieving the trash bin that Steven threw his tissue in. Once I've waited long enough for Steven to be out of the hotel, I take the trash can down to the reception area and make up a weird reason for not wanting it in my room.
When I get back upstairs, the smell of blood is faint, so I can manage a lot easier.
I curl up on the bed, hug my knees into my chest, and sob. Those skyscrapers I've built up in my mind to keep me safe come crashing down. Who knew sex and the smell of human blood would trigger me to be at rock bottom again? I guess that makes sense after everything that’s happened.
My entire body starts to shake as I begin my decline into the blackhole of never-ending emotional turmoil.
I cry because I was foolish and naïve enough to think drinking and sex could take some of my pain away.
I cry because I betrayed Jacob.
I cry because I could have killed Steven.
I cry because I'm so fucking lonely.
I cry because I just want the grief and shame to go away.
I cry because of all my mistakes.
I cry because I feel so out of place in this world.
I cry because I hate myself and don't deserve to live.
I cry and cry and cry until I'm raw.
Until all that's felt is darkness.
Chapter 7
Notes:
I know many of the nomad vampires in Twilight don't have technology (like cellphones, for example). That's one thing I've changed in this story, just FYI. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"this is me trying" by Taylor Swift
They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here
Pourin' out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
RPOV
I'm running through the trees toward the sound of the water.
I just finished off the blood from three jaguars. I was hungrier than I thought. I didn't feel like eating at first, but I can't take any more risks. Three nights ago with Steven scared the shit out of me for many reasons, one of the main ones being that I could have killed him.
I shake my head to be rid of the memories before letting the shame consume me.
Zafrina and Senna said they'd meet me near the waterfall. Kachiri was heading further into civilization to hunt.
I make it through the trees and stop at the foot of the water. I look up overhead at the large waterfall before my gaze goes to the break in the trees. The bright sun sends a wave of panic through me. I'm momentarily stunned by the rush of adrenaline that floods through my nervous system, locking me in place and sending me into a tailspin.
Jacob screaming my name in terror, too much blood, trees whirling past me, bright white lights, feeling numb…
I swallow and hug my arms around my torso. When will these panic attacks come to an end? Will they ever? Anytime something remotely similar to… those nights comes into my senses, my body goes rigid with terror.
A hand rests on my shoulder, startling me. I whirl around, preparing to fight off the threat, but my vision is instantly cut off, and I'm seeing images of an ocean.
"It's just me," Zafrina says before reining in her power and giving me my normal eyesight back.
My breathing is rapid due to the fright from Zafrina. When I meet her gaze, she's staring back at me skeptically. "You know, your father called me before your arrival."
I wouldn't have expected anything less, but I'm still annoyed. I just nod and turn away from her, focusing my gaze on the waterfall several yards away. The mist sprays against my face and feels somewhat grounding.
"He told me you've been going through some hard times as of late, but he didn't offer any other details." I swallow and give her a stiff nod but say nothing else.
I, somehow, managed to drag my ass out of my hotel a few days ago and get on my flight to Asunción, Paraguay. I've been exploring the Pantanal wetlands and rainforest for the last two days with Zafrina, Senna, and Kachiri. I'm staying in a hotel nearby just at night since the Amazon coven is somewhat feral and without the shelter and accommodations that I need as half human.
Senna pops up discreetly from behind a tree, keeping a close eye on Zafrina. Upon getting here, I found out that they aren't sisters; they are mates and love each other fiercely. I must not have picked up on their connection when I was younger. Senna's not much of a talker, but she always appears as wise and intuitive to me.
"Is that why you came here, sweet child?" Zafrina asks. "To run away from whatever heartache troubles you?"
I finally turn to her but still say nothing because the words are too jumbled in my brain. "I…" I clear my throat and try again. "I didn't know what else to do."
Zafrina reaches for my hand and holds it to her cheek. "Show me what distresses you."
I shake my head. "I can't… I can't think of it… I…" My heart starts racing, and I'm feeling panicky again. I try to focus on my breath as I wrap my arms around myself protectively.
Senna swings from a branch and lands to the side of Zafrina and me. She puts her hands on either side of my face and forces me to make eye contact with her. She takes in a long, audible inhale, gesturing for me to copy her by widening her eyes slightly and giving me a small nod. I follow the pace of her breathing and slowly begin to drop back into the present moment.
"You need discipline." Senna says before dropping her hands. "You can't allow these past fears to consume you. You will lose yourself to them."
"Teach her, Sen." Zafrina says to her. "You, of all people, know what she may need."
I look at Zafrina questioningly. What would Senna be able to teach me? Does it involve talking? If so, I'm outta here.
Catching my speculative gaze, Zafrina explains, "Senna sees what she calls, 'gaps' in people. She senses others' pain and can identify what may assist them with healing."
"Like a vampire therapist?" I blurt out. I didn't know Senna had any superhuman (or super-vampire, I guess I should say) powers. I suppose there wasn't necessarily a reason for me to have known about Senna's ability all those years ago since her talent may not have been helpful in fighting off the Volturi.
Zafrina starts laughing, but Senna stays quiet. I hope I haven't offended her by my comment. "Yes, sweet Nessie. I suppose she is similar to what humans would call a 'therapist.'"
"You have two gaps." Senna says to me. I swallow as she continues. "Everyone has a hue of energy around them. You, Nessie, used to be bright yellow when I first met you as a child. Now, you're dark gray and have two gaps, or holes, from some type of pain. You're losing yourself to those gaps."
I stare at her for several seconds before choking out, "Can you… Can you see what caused the… 'gaps'?" The idea of her knowing my trauma makes me feel sick to my stomach.
"No," Senna replies. "I can't see what causes gaps. I can just see their size and the shade of a person's energy. Gray is often correlated with sorrow or grief. Yellow, the shade you were previously, is usually correlated with love and contentment."
"But she can see what someone may need to seal the gaps." Zafrina chimes in.
"Can you… See what I need?" I ask Senna cautiously. But as soon as the words leave my mouth, everything around me changes quickly.
Zafrina's arm wraps around my waist, and she hurriedly shoves me behind her. She and Senna are crouched in front of me in protective stances before I can even blink. I often forget how much quicker full vampires can be.
"Someone's here," Senna hisses. "I don't recognize the scent."
I have to strain to pick up on the faint vampire smell. "I don't know who it is."
"Neither do I." Zafrina comments. "Stay here with Nessie, Sen, and I'll go check it out."
Worry crosses Senna's face. Zafrina plants a quick kiss on Senna's lips then disappears through the trees.
Senna and I wait in silence. I want to tell her to go with Zafrina, but I know she won't leave my side even if I protest. Plus, Zafrina's gift makes her utterly untouchable, so I know she'll be fine.
Zafrina makes her way back toward us several minutes later, and a sigh of relief escapes from Senna. "Whoever it was left quickly. Two vampires traveling together from what I could gather. I still didn't recognize either of their scents. They were heading west."
"Do you get visitors here often?" I ask.
"Almost never." Zafrina answers. "Nahuel and Huilen live somewhat nearby, but I would have recognized if it were them."
I completely forgot about Nahuel and his aunt, Huilen, living here in South America as well. I haven't seen them since the scuffle with the Volturi all those years ago.
"Just some nomads passing through?" Senna ponders.
Zafrina shrugs. "Could be."
The pit in my stomach tells me that it wasn't just random nomads passing through, but I'm not sure what else we can do unless we follow their trail in hopes of catching up to them. They seem long gone at this point, though.
"We'll be a little more on guard the next few days." Senna decides. "They were heading in the opposite direction of Kachiri, so she should be fine as well."
Zafrina nods in agreement then turns back to me. "Okay, where were we?"
"Nessie asked if I could identify what she requires to heal her gaps," Senna says. "And I can."
My breath catches in my throat. "What is it?"
"It's many things," she pauses. "Firstly, it's you learning to control these debilitating trauma triggers… You need to practice self-regulation techniques to modulate your arousal levels and bring your nervous system back into homeostasis. You need discipline to ensure you don't lose yourself to those gaps; they appear to be growing because you're allowing them to consume you."
"What?" I ask, perplexed. It was like she was speaking Greek.
Zafrina chuckles, but Senna says calmly, "Tomorrow, I will show you what I mean. But it will be strenuous work, Nessie. You must feel your pain in order to heal it."
. . . . . . . .
After spending a few more hours with the Amazon coven, exploring the beauty of the rainforest, they escort me back toward Asunción where I make my way to my hotel. Before parting ways, Senna tells me where to meet her in the morning.
Once I get inside, I take a quick shower and settle into the bed. I reach for my phone on the nightstand, having left it here while with Zafrina and Senna since I wouldn't get any reception anyway.
My heart thumps loudly in my chest as I see Jacob's contact name flash on my phone's screen, alerting me of a text message.
I swallow and unlock my phone. The message from Jacob, or The Sexiest Werewolf (a nickname he dubbed himself in my phone), is short and sweet, to the point, and is everything I needed and didn't need to hear all summed up into eight little words:
I love you, Ness. Always. No matter what.
A whimper escapes through my lips as tears well in my eyes.
I miss him.
Terribly.
Even though it's only been a handful of days since I've left, it's the only separation the two of us have had since I was born.
My chest feels heavy, and I feel sick to my stomach. Is this what a broken heart feels like?
My fingers hover over the keyboard, unsure if I should reply to him or leave him on seen… Would replying make him feel better or worse? I don't want him to get his hopes up that I'm coming home soon or that everything is okay with me, and us, when it's not. But I also don't want him to be sick with worry either.
I close the message and tap on my recent calls. I click my dad's number and hold my phone up to my ear.
"Renesmee?" My dad's voice fills my ear right after the first ring.
"Hi, dad."
"Are you alright? Where are you?" He says at such a fast pace that I can barely pick up the words.
"I'm fine. I promise. I'm in my hotel. I was with Zafrina and Senna most of the day."
"Are you taking care of yourself?"
"I hunted some jaguars today, if that's what you're referring to… Did you know about Senna's abilities?"
"Yes," he's quiet for a moment. "Her gift is somewhat subtle, yet highly effective in fostering healing. Actually, she helped your Grandma Esme after Carlisle saved her. She carried a lot of her emotional wounds into this life even after she was changed."
I respond with a contemplative, "hmm," while digesting that information. I am no stranger to the pain my Grandma Esme's endured in her human life.
"Is Senna assisting you?"
"She wants me to meet with her alone tomorrow. So, maybe. I don't know," I sigh. "Anyway, that's not why I called. I wanted to know how… Jake is doing."
My dad is quiet, which makes me anxious. He finally says, "He's okay… He's been occupied with some nomad vampires that passed through the area almost two days ago."
"What!?"
"The wolves didn't recognize the scent. Carlisle and I didn't either. The pack chased them south until they disappeared into the ocean. No one was harmed."
I'm about to tell my dad how a similar scenario happened this morning with Zafrina and Senna, but I decide it's better to stay quiet to avoid causing him any further worry.
"So… Jacob's okay since he's been staying busy with the pack?"
I hear my dad sigh. "I think he is as well as can be expected, Renesmee. He misses you immensely, so he's not without struggle… Have you talked to him?"
"No," I respond quickly. "He messaged me earlier, but I wasn't sure if responding to him would be helpful or hurtful."
"He will relish in any contact he receives from you. He just wants to know you are well."
That's what I was thinking, but it's helpful to have my dad confirm. "Okay. Thanks, dad. Is mom there?"
"No. She's hunting with your Aunt Alice. I'll let her know you called."
"Tell her, and everyone else, that I love and miss them, okay?"
"Yes, I will, love." I smile briefly at the pet name my dad only uses for my mom and me. Tears cloud my vision.
"I love and miss you, dad."
"You and your mother are my life, Renesmee. I miss you every second you're gone."
"Talk soon, okay?" I sniff.
"Yes. Goodbye, Renesmee."
"Bye, dad."
I hang up from the call and wipe my eyes before taping on my messages again. I open the conversation with The Sexiest Werewolf and type my reply:
I love you too, Jake. More than you'll ever know.
Only a few seconds go by before I get a response: Seth made me go to that grungy diner with him today.
I smile at the message. Thank God for Seth. I'm sure he's keeping Jake from spiraling the best he can. Seth will always be one of the best people I know. I'm just glad Jake's continuing to live his life with me being gone. I was worried he wouldn't be doing much of anything outside of his pack duties. If it weren't for said duties, I'm sure he would have run away after I left.
Tell me you got the chocolate chip pancakes, I respond.
Jacob, Leah, Seth, and I found this grimy hole-in-the-wall diner in Port Angeles a few years ago. We went to a movie, and we were all starving afterwards. We ended up in this diner, afraid that we would get food poisoning, only to be pleasantly surprised by how good the food was. Jake and I made it a tradition to go there every so often.
Jacob sends me a picture of his food, and, sure enough, it's the exact pancakes I was thinking of. Devoured them all within five minutes.
I'm sure it was more like three minutes.
No. Probably two.
You eat like a horse.
I'm bigger than a horse.
Touché, werewolf boy.
The sexiest werewolf boy. ;)
A little cocky, don't you think?
Little cocky? More like BIG cocky, or did you forget?
I chuckle at his sexual innuendo. I, most definitely, have not forgotten how big his cock is… Or how it feels as it pulses in and out of me… Or how it tastes on my tongue…
Fuck.
I clench my thighs together and shake my head, feeling myself blush. I haven't thought about sex with Jake in a long time. It's like that part of me switched off after everything happened. But it feels like it's slowly turning back on now…
I could never forget anything about you, I respond before our fast-paced, lively conversation slows.
We are walking on a fine line – not talking about anything too serious, but still checking in with each other. We haven't had a quick-witted conversation like this in months, though, so maybe the distance is making it easier to rekindle the lighter parts of our relationship.
I watch as the typing bubbles surface and fade multiple times. It takes several minutes before I receive another message: I miss you.
The tears start flowing in a steady stream down my cheeks.
Jacob deserves so much more than I can give him. I wish I knew how to make things better again. I wish I could go back in time and press the pause button to live in bliss with Jacob forever.
But I can't.
And I hate myself for ruining everything.
I miss you, too.
I wait twenty minutes before realizing that our conversation is likely over for the time being since Jacob doesn't send me another message. I am thankful he doesn't because I don't think I can a manage much more. I wonder if that's true for him also.
I plug my phone into its charger then get up and walk into the bathroom. I unzip my toiletry bag and dig around inside until I find what I'm looking for. I pull my long hair to the side and fasten my pearl necklace in place. Maybe I don't deserve to wear it, but it gives me a sense of security I can't explain.
And I need all the security I can get come tomorrow. Because tomorrow I will start whatever healing journey Senna identifies as helpful.
I will figure out how to tackle these demons hiding underneath the surface of my skin.
I will fight through this.
For Jacob.
But mainly for myself.
I have to do the hard work.
I can't run away anymore.
I will figure my shit out.
Chapter 8
Notes:
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift feat. The Civil Wars
I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said I'd never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said
Don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight
Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
RPOV
"You don't have to tell me what caused the gaps, but I need to know what makes them worse."
I swallow hard and look toward the waterfall. I met Senna in the same spot as yesterday – a secluded part of the rainforest near a giant waterfall that cascades down the side of a mountain and pools into a decent-sized lake. The trees surrounding us are extremely large and tall, so only small glimmers of light shine through the trees overhead since it's mid-morning.
I was a little late meeting Senna today. After my conversation with my dad last night, I thought of something this morning. I messaged him and asked if my Aunt Alice was able to see who the vampires were that passed through the Forks/La Push area a few days ago. I was hoping to have an answer to pass the information along to the Amazon coven, but my dad said Alice saw no one, likely because of the shapeshifters' involvement. I still didn't tell my dad about the similar event that transpired here yesterday, but I informed Senna of everything once I met her this morning.
After divulging the eerily similar vampire situations, Senna decided to waste no time with today's "training," as she calls it.
I finally turn to Senna and shrug, still at a loss for words on how to even try to explain the things that activate me without actually telling her what I've been through.
"If you can not tell me, then we will start with something I already know triggers the gaps."
Just as I'm turning toward her to ask what she means, she grabs my hand and starts racing forward into the trees, towing me beside her. It takes me a second to get my footing, but I keep a steady pace beside her.
We run for a good ten minutes in silence. Senna swerves to the right and leaps over a creek before heading toward a break in the trees. I follow right behind her. Once we pass the last tree, we are in a small clearing, and…
The sun is shining brightly due to the lack of forestation.
Shining too brightly.
Too intensely.
I flinch and turn to take off into the cover of the trees and back toward the waterfall. I need the cool mist of the water spraying on my face to ground me…
But Senna has other plans. She grabs my shoulders and turns me around to face her.
I can't remember how to breathe. My chest is tightening… My skin feels sweaty. My heart is beating too quickly…
I wrap my arms around my torso and hunch forward, hoping that will help me locate my lungs and might shield me from the sun's intensity.
The light immediately triggers the memory of the overwhelming pain that was in my abdomen. The pain that was the catalyst to my mistake, making everything fall apart and change for the worst.
Senna pulls me upright. She presses heavily into my shoulders… I'm starting to lose myself, and she's trying to snap me out of it, I think.
I thrash and try to break out of her grip. I just need to get back into the trees then I can curl up and lie down on the cold, wet dirt…
Senna is yelling something to me, but I can't pay attention; I'm in no state of mind to focus as I snap my eyes shut and my body begins to tremble from the stress chemicals flooding my nervous system…
Jacob screaming my name in terror, too much blood, trees whirling past me, bright white lights, feeling numb…
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
A memory starts to surface, and I can't keep it locked up. Senna says something else to me that I cannot hear. Her hands drop away from my shoulders, but I'm frozen in place anyway.
I can't hold myself together any longer.
I can't stop myself from thinking of it…
I remember how I was starting to feel colder and kind of tired all of a sudden as a shiver rippled through my spine. My eyes began to droop, like my eyelids just couldn't stay open.
"Ness," I heard Jacob say my name anxiously. I shook my head slightly and refocused on him and the bright light that shined just over his shoulder. Maybe the light could keep me awake…
I was able to keep my eyes focused for a few seconds before feeling kind of dizzy and faint again. The pain tore through my abdomen and my eyes closed unwillingly.
"Something's wrong! What's happening?" I heard my mom's panicked voice.
"Her heartrate is dropping. Carlisle!" My dad yelled.
"What does that mean!? Do something!" Jacob screamed. I felt his fingers anxiously brush my face. "I'm right here, Ness. Can you hear me, baby? I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"
I can hear you, Jake. I'm here. Why are you sorry? This is my fault, I tried to say these words out loud, but I was just so, so tired… I hoped he was able to hear my thoughts since he was still stroking my cheek.
"She's hemorrhaging," my grandfather said. "Edward, get her on some oxygen. We need to attempt starting an IV even though it's difficult to penetrate her skin, and…"
A scream of agony leaves my throat, stopping the memory in its tracks. Senna grips my shoulders once more and shakes me a little bit. She says something, but I still can't pay attention to her words.
I have to get out of here.
I have to run.
I can't do this.
I thought I could, but I can't.
I can't, I can't, I can't…
I'm not safe.
Nothing is safe.
Run.
I have to run.
I whirl to the side quickly to break out of Senna's grip. I thrust my elbow up so it makes contact with Senna's chin then I kick her in the stomach to send her several yards away from me. I book it into the trees and race toward the water.
Running, running, running…
I have to get away.
As soon as I'm back where we started, I strip off my shorts and t-shirt and wade out into the lake. I'm not sure why, but I just need to feel something cold against my skin to stop the panic.
I take a deep breathe then sink underneath the water and drift.
. . . . . . . .
Cold hands grip my upper arms and start to pull me up.
I feel a warm breeze against my face and neck a few seconds later and gulp down several breaths of glorious oxygen. I can stay underwater for quite a while without breathing, but I eventually need to. I think I tested that limit.
The cold hands release me once I'm treading water. I reach up to wipe my eyes before blinking them open. Senna is staring at me with a blank expression. I feel my cheeks warm at the thought of my physical reactions earlier.
"Senna, I –"
"Shh," she shakes her head. "It's good to know our baseline."
I try again to explain and apologize. "But I –"
"Do not feel shame or remorse. You are not in control when you are triggered by the past. You know not what you do. It seems the cold water calmed you, yes?" I nod. "Things that are cool can often snap the nervous system out of a panic attack. We will start here – in the water – with your healing… We are going to start with strengthening your ability to respond instead of react by learning emotional regulation techniques."
I swallow. "Okay."
I'm feeling a little defeated. My methods of escaping didn't work with the drinking and the sex. Senna's methods of triggering me didn't work either. Maybe I truly am a lost cause.
"Your ability… Did you know it does not require touch?"
My brow furrows in confusion. "What do you mean?"
Senna eyes me skeptically and, instead of explaining further, she says, "Focus on your breathing. Inhale to a count of five and exhale to a count of seven. Make your belly expand when you inhale and contract in toward your spine when you exhale."
I do as she instructs, also focusing on the coolness of the water against my skin. After the tenth exhale, I feel… calm. Calmer than I've felt in a long, long time.
"Making your exhale longer than your inhale taps into your parasympathetic nervous system. When you are triggered like you were earlier, your sympathetic nervous system overpowers the parasympathetic, creating a fight or flight response. We just created balance between the two systems with your breath. When they are in balance, you can feel both calm and appropriately energized."
Oh… Oh. That makes a lot of sense. I remember learning about respirations and the nervous system in one of my biology classes. When you inhale, your sympathetic nervous system is stimulated, and when you exhale, four parasympathetic nervous system is stimulated. Senna was having me exhale longer to tap into the rest and digest part of my nervous system.
"Now that you are relaxed, I will explain what happened back in the clearing. If you start to feel anxious, focus on making your exhale longer again."
I nod. "I'll try to stay calm. Please explain."
"I was not touching you when you had a memory surface. I could tell that you needed to get out of the clearing, so I was telling you to run back under the shade, but you froze. I heard your thoughts without your touch. After you screamed, I could no longer see your memory."
Deep inhale, making my belly expand.
Slower exhale, making my belly contract.
Once I feel calmer, I say, "You… You saw my memory?"
"Yes. Without you touching me. Have you ever projected that way before?"
I shake my head. "No. At least, I don't think so."
"It must be linked to emotional charge… That is similar to your mother's gift, in a way. She was able to expand her shield only under stress until she strengthened the muscle of her shield."
I never even considered that I would be able to project my thoughts without physical touch… But, I mean, it does make sense. My dad doesn't need touch to hear other people's thoughts. And what Senna just said about my mom would make sense that I would only now, under stress, be finding out about this new part of my ability. I'll have to think about this more, but first…
"So… You saw my memory?" I ask because this seems most important.
"I did."
I focus on the cold water touching my bare skin and the breeze against my wet hair. "Do you… know what happened?"
"That flashback was not thorough enough for me to know what happened, Nessie. I can simply deduce that some type of medical emergency caused you distress."
I nod, feeling some relief that she doesn't know the details. It wasn't the medical emergency itself that caused the distress; it's what happened afterward. I carry so much shame around what happened that it feels impossible to tell anyone the specifics.
Senna must pick up on this because she says, "The scars of your past do not define you, Renesmee. You should not feel ashamed by your adversities, for they will make you stronger and more compassionate if you practice discipline in taming your responses to them."
Oh.
I've never thought about it that way before… My trauma doesn't have to be a weakness, but it can be a strength? If I can overcome the panic that surfaces when I recall the distressing memories, I will be emotionally stronger… I'll be more relatable and empathetic to others because I will have faced my own hardships?
"Teach me more," I say quickly. "Teach me how to overcome this."
. . . . . . . .
A month passes in the blink of an eye.
I've fallen into a good rhythm here with the Amazon coven. I meet with Senna every morning for "training." I run through the beauty of the rainforest every afternoon with Zafrina and Kachiri. I hunt regularly again, and I even venture into the city some evenings for dinner, to stroll through the local bookstores, or to browse the outdoor vendors.
I'm not… happy, per se.
But I'm living.
I'm not drowning under the surface anymore; instead, I'm steadily treading water.
I haven't talked to Jake since our conversation about him going to the diner with Seth. I've talked to my parents intermittently, but only through texting.
I haven't been able to project my thoughts without touch again, but I also haven't been focused on trying. That potential skill has been placed on the backburner for now.
As I was getting dressed this morning, I noticed one of my favorite pairs of jeans was a little tight. I examined my body in the mirror and noticed the dark circles under my eyes seemed lighter. My cheekbones weren't as prominent, and my hips and breasts seemed fuller, giving me more of a feminine shape again. I looked healthy for the first time in a long, long time.
This morning, Senna said we were going to work on something different. She said I have all the tools I need to calm my nervous system when I'm triggered, so now my "training" is shifting into putting those tools into practice. She said that Zafrina would be joining us to help.
I'm floating in the lake when they both find me and come into the water themselves.
Senna is all business and doesn't waste any time as she says, "Nessie, we are going to work on some titration today. Zafrina is here in case you get flooded with panic. She will step in and show you calming images if needed."
I shift so I'm treading water instead of floating. "What is titration?"
"You are going to slowly move back and forth between being in a calm, relaxed state and being in an activated state where you will think about the events that caused the gaps for a few breaths. We move back and forth between both states. It's like exercise for your brain. Soon, you will be able to manage more and more time in the activated state – like strengthening a muscle."
I swallow hard. Senna and I have just been working on arousal modulation techniques. She hasn't brought up the causes of the gaps since taking me to the clearing.
What if I can't do it? What if I'm a coward that runs or hurts Senna or Zafrina again? What if –
No.
Breathe.
I close my eyes.
I focus on my belly expanding and contracting.
I focus on making my exhale longer than my inhale.
I focus on the cool water against my skin.
I cross my arms over my chest and slowly alternate tapping each shoulder – something Senna calls bilateral stimulation. I feel my racing thoughts subside.
When I open my eyes a moment later, Senna is smiling. I don't think I've ever seen her smile.
"You're ready, Nessie." I don't feel ready, but I trust Senna's judgement. She reaches forward and clasps my hand. "I know it may be hard, but I need you to show me the process that occurs so I can let Zafrina know if she should intervene. We don't have to talk about the memories you think of, and I promise not to speak a word of them to anyone."
I nod slowly, continuing to focus on my breath. Senna recently told me that the part of our brain in charge of language shuts off when we are activated, and that's why I can't speak about the events that caused the gaps.
But I can let Senna see my thoughts about the trauma. She is safe. I'm safe. I can share my pain with her, and she won't see me as weak or pitiful. She won't make me feel ashamed. She sees my past pain as strength.
Using my free hand, I close my fingers around the pearl pendant around my neck; it's the only thing I have to remind me of Jake… The person I wish was here to hold my hand and tell me that everything would be okay.
But this healing has to happen without him first. It was too painful to look at the agony I caused him when I was drowning in my own.
I can do this.
I will do this.
"You're right. I'm ready." I say with conviction.
Senna nods then instructs us to move further away from the waterfall so I can stand without treading water. She tells me to close my eyes and focus on my breath. "Where in your body do you feel the most grounded?"
"My feet," I say as I wiggle my toes against the rock I'm standing on.
"Where do you feel tension when you think about the trauma?"
"My abdomen," I say immediately.
"Okay. Bring your attention back to the calming sensations in your feet as you take five slow, deep breaths."
I do as she instructs, and after my fifth exhale, she says gently, "When you're ready, I want you to shift your attention to your abdomen. Notice what happens as you allow yourself to breathe into that space for five breaths."
I immediately feel my nervous system kick into overdrive. Five breaths. I can focus on this for five breaths. There is an end, there will be reprieve. I can do this.
Jacob screaming.
Breathe.
Blood pooling on the bed, soaking our bedsheets.
Breathe.
Jacob carrying me.
Breathe.
Bright lights in my grandfather's office.
Breathe.
Happiness that turned into grief in the blink of an eye.
Breathe.
"Good," Senna says. "Now focus back on your feet. Tap back into the feelings of calm. Notice the cool water against your skin for five breaths."
After five inhales and exhales, she guides me back into the activation by telling me to focus on my abdomen again.
Trees whirling past me.
Breathe.
A woman screaming in terror.
Breathe.
A man pinning her against a tree as he unbuttons his pants.
Breathe.
The taste of human blood on my lips.
Breathe.
Eyes that are dead.
Breathe.
After my fifth breath, Senna guides me back into my calm state. This back-and-forth pattern continues until I'm staying in each state for fifteen breaths. I never feel too overwhelmed. I feel activation and anxiety, but never terror like I did before. Zafrina never has to intervene.
After multiple rounds of this titration, Senna tells me to open my eyes when I'm ready to take a break.
When I finally do, I'm the one smiling this time. Tears well up in my eyes and stream down my face.
I didn't run away.
I was able to stay in control.
I'm healing.
I'm getting stronger.
Zafrina takes a step closer to me and sweeps her thumb across my cheek. Senna squeezes my hand. "The hue of energy around you shifted; it's still mostly grey, but there are speckles of gold that are weaving in."
That makes me cry harder because it feels like there's tangible evidence of my healing.
Once the waterworks stop, we slowly get out of the water. I start drying off but stop when I hear a rustle in the trees. I spin around to find Senna and Zafrina already in front of me. I watch as two figures slowly come into focus.
It's Nahuel and his aunt, Huilen.
"I asked them to visit when they were free," Senna turns to me to explain. "You feel like an outcast sometimes in your family. Nahuel may be able to provide some companionship – one hybrid to another."
I nod and watch as they make their way over to us. I feel nervous. Except for my brief interaction with Nahuel when I was a toddler, I don't know much about him.
I didn't realize how much I was longing for the company of someone similar to me. But Senna knew. Of course, she knew. This must be another part of my healing that she's identified.
I've never felt like I fully fit in vampires, shapeshifters, or humans. I've never been around other hybrids… I want to be friends with Nahuel.
I want to be friends with someone who's like me.
Chapter 9
Notes:
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"Falling" by Harry Styles
I'm in my bed
And you're not here
And there's no one to blame
But the drink in my wandering hands
Forget what I said
It's not what I meant
And I can't take it back, I can't unpack the baggage you left
What am I now? What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling
JPOV
"Get up," I briefly hear someone say as they shake my shoulder. I groan. My head is pounding. Once I blink my eyes open, the room is too bright, and it spins. I feel nauseous. I quickly snap my eyes closed.
"Yeah, I'm sure you feel like shit, huh?" I'd recognize that sarcastic voice even in death; it's Leah.
I've come to realize that waking up is always the worst part of my day. When you're grieving, it's when the reality of your loss comes flooding back to you at full force.
It's like a double-edged sword – sleep is the only reprieve from the pain, but the reality that hits when you wake up feels like the escape wasn't even worth it.
That's true this morning as reality slaps me in the fucking face.
I'm so hungover.
My life is a shit show.
Nessie is gone.
I'm alone.
Nothing is bearable anymore.
I haven't heard from Nessie in five goddamn weeks. Not since our short text exchange about me going to that diner in Port Angeles with Seth. I've been trying to give her space like she asked. But that's not to say I don't pull up our text conversation a thousand times a day and type a message to her that I quickly delete.
I hear glass bottles clinging together. "God, Jacob. Is there any alcohol left in the state of Washington?"
I take a deep breath and force myself to open my eyes. I notice that I'm lying on the floor in the middle of the cabin's living room. Why the fuck am I at the cabin? I haven't been here since before Nessie left…
Then I remember. I was already drunk off my ass when I walked here from my dad's. I wanted to find something that smelled like her – like Ness. It's strange how much I crave her scent. I blame the wolf part of me.
There are glass beer bottles and food wrappers scattered around the floor. Leah is currently gathering and tossing the bottles in the recycling bin. It takes a lot to stay drunk as a werewolf. I burn all the alcohol off quickly with my heightened body temperature, hence the number of empty bottles.
Once the spinning subsides, I push myself up into a sitting position and lean back against the couch. I rub my face.
"Drink this, you idiot."
I look up at Leah. She's scowling as she holds a bottle of Gatorade out to me. I reach for it, unscrew the lid, and take a large gulp. Leah goes back to picking up the trash around the room.
"Leave it," I croak. I clear my throat before drinking half of the Gatorade. "You don't have to pick up my mess, Leah."
Leah loudly, and hastily, tosses an arm full of bottles and fast-food wrappers into the trash in the kitchen. "Someone has to clean up your messes, don't they? I just didn't realize that being your Second meant taking care of your pathetic ass every fucking day."
"Leave then," I snap at her. "No one asked you to come here."
Leah stalks back into the living room, her expression livid. "I'm here because the pack needs you! Or did you forget about me and our brothers?"
I narrow my eyes. "Fuck off, Leah. I don't need a lecture."
She laughs scornfully, which pisses me off more. Leah knows exactly how to get under my motherfucking skin. "Apparently you do! Nessie's gone, Jacob. Gone. Maybe she's coming back, maybe she's not. But you can't keep drinking triple your weight in booze every goddamn night when you have responsibilities! You're the leader of our pack. Start acting like it!"
I flinch at her words about Nessie. As much as I want to get up and phase and order Leah to never speak like that to me again while sinking my teeth into her leg… I know she's right. Of course, she's right.
And I'm sure Leah's the only one with enough guts to come over here and say all that to my face.
That's why she's my Second, after all.
She drives me fucking crazy, but she's sensible, fearless, and calls people out on their bullshit when needed with no remorse. And, apparently, I'm the one that needs to be called out today.
Leah's a badass, I have to admit.
I was bitching to Nessie a few years ago about Leah, how she often comes off as self-righteous, shows no mercy to the other pack members, and always acts like she has something to prove. I remember so clearly how Nessie waited until I was finished venting then she looked at me and said, "Of course she feels like she has something to prove. She's the only woman in a wolf pack full of men. I think you're just upset because Leah isn't submissive and polite the way you expect her to be. Women are pushed into those roles to continue patterns of oppression. If Leah identified as male, would you be this annoyed with her?"
That's when my worldview began to shift. Because my answer to that question was no. I felt like an ass, but it was needed for me to see how misogynistic I was being. I've had my fair share of misogyny-filled moments, but I like to think Nessie has helped me shift away from the toxic masculinity I was subconsciously harboring. And God knows she loves calling my brothers out on their shit, too; it turns me on to no end when she's empowered like that.
Leah and Nessie got closer once Nessie started pointing these things out to me. Leah appreciated Nessie's insight more often than not. So did I. I admired how Nessie could stay calm and open while she listened, then she would open her mouth and put you in your place or ask you a question that made you think about things differently. But she never discarded you for your lack of insight; she was always kind and compassionate.
God, I admired that quality in her so much. She had the perfect combination of no-nonsense confidence and kind-hearted empathy.
Nessie and I might as well have been co-Alphas. I rarely made a pack decision without talking to her. She always had good insight and set me straight when needed. Without her, I didn't know how to be a good Alpha at all.
So, I know I've been shitty as the pack's leader lately. I just don't know how to deal with the pain of Nessie being away… Just the thought of her makes my body quiver in physical pain – like knives are being raked up and down my spine.
At least the alcohol numbs the pain for awhile. I do what I need to do during the day for the pack then I drink my brains out at night when Leah takes over the night shift.
I wish I could tap out as Alpha and give the title back to Sam, but it's a little late for that. He and Emily have kids now, and Sam hasn't phased in several years. He's aging and moving forward in his human life with Emily. I would never take that away from him.
Leah is still scathing. "Get your ass up and take a shower. You fucking reek."
I say nothing as I push myself up to stand, already feeling a little better from finishing off the Gatorade.
I head for the hallway as Leah says, "Look, I know you're hurting, but this has to stop, Jake." I keep my back to her as she continues, "I gave orders to Quil and Embry. You're not to be left alone anymore. Embry's got day duty, and Quil's got nights. They're not going to let you drink anymore."
I nod once and keep my mouth shut. I'm a fucking mess right now, so I have to trust Leah's judgement. It's her job, after all, to step up for the pack when I can't.
. . . . . . . .
I shower and dress as quickly as possible. Everything in this damn house reminds me of Nessie, and I can't fucking tolerate it sober. This is the first time I've been back here since she left. I've just been sleeping in the forest as a wolf or crashing in my old room at my dad's.
When I walk out of the bedroom, I hear Leah and Embry in the middle of a conversation in the kitchen.
"Last night?" I hear Embry ask, sounding surprised.
"Yeah. They went straight into the ocean again, heading south."
Embry sighs. "Shit. I wish we knew what they were after."
I round the corner quickly and glower at Leah. "Those leaches were back again, and you didn't fucking tell me?"
Leah's gaze doesn't falter as she stares back at me. "Was I supposed to tell you when you were hammered last night or when you were practically dead on the floor this morning?"
"Jesus, Jake," Embry says, scrutinizing me pitifully. I know I look like shit. I saw my reflection in the mirror when I got out of the shower. My eyes looked black with bags and dark circles. A permanent frown was plastered on my face. My hair was much too long, and I looked thinner. Probably because I only drink beer and don't eat much of anything nowadays.
"You should've seen him this morning before I ordered him to shower," Leah rolls her eyes and reaches for the to-go coffee cup in front of her. She takes a long sip.
I ignore their comments and sit at the table across from Embry. "Tell me what happened last night. Now."
Embry picks up a coffee from the drink carrier and slides it over to me. He reaches into the paper bag in front of him and pulls out a couple of muffins. He puts them on a napkin in front of me like I'm a little fucking kid. I narrow my eyes at him before glaring at Leah.
Leah takes another drink of her coffee. She's not being quick with her explanation which makes my blood boil. We haven't had any other vamp sightings since the incident over a month ago. We chalked that up to some nomads passing through, but now I'm worried it was more than that.
Leah finally begins the recap. "Well, as you know, I was with Quil, Jared, and Collin last night. Jared picked up a leach scent to the east around midnight. We all hauled ass over to him and chased the bloodsuckers to the edge of a cliff where they both somersaulted into the ocean and disappeared. Same scents from a little over a month ago."
Leah pauses briefly to bite into her bagel. "Some of the Cullens joined the heist, too. Edward and his two wingmen were there. I don't remember their names. I guess they were about to leave to hunt when they picked up the stench. They followed the nomads into the ocean."
I run my fingers through my hair. Goddamnit. "Did the Cullens track them down?"
"Beats me. They never came back to tell us. They might still be tracking them for all I know. And I'm not going over to the Cullen's lair to find out."
"Chicken," Embry snickers.
Leah shrugs. "You go alone, then, if you're so high and mighty, Em."
I roll my eyes. "I'll deal with them. Embry, go join the others on patrol. If the Cullens didn't find those nomad bloodsuckers, I don't want Paul, Brady, and Seth out there alone. Leah, go get some sleep."
"Embry's going with you on my order, remember?" Leah swirls her coffee, acting all nonchalant. God, she pisses me off.
"No," I snarl, my Alpha voice echoing. "He's going to join the others on patrol in case those parasites come back." I wasn't going to overpower her orders to Quil and Embry because I trust her judgement, but I also wasn't going to risk anyone's safety by having Embry play babysitter for a quick errand. It's not like there will be alcohol at the Cullen's place anyway.
"Stop talking about me like I'm not here, you fuckers," Embry says. "I'm sure Jake can stay sober for an hour. He'll be on patrol with us once he gets back from the Cullen's. Quil and I will keep an eye on him, Lee, don't worry."
I sigh then reach up to rub my eyes. How fucking low I've sunk that my Second and Third are arguing about babysitting duty to ensure I stay sober.
I'm a shitty Alpha.
Just like I always knew I would be.
When I drop my hand, I look at both of them. They're watching me skeptically. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'm really trying here, okay?"
"Well, start trying harder. We need you." Leah snaps before getting up and leaving the cabin, slamming the door behind her.
Embry is quiet only for a moment after Leah leaves. "Jake –"
"Get out of here and go join the others on patrol. Now. Please," I cut him off, dodging his attempt at trying to make me feel better.
I don't want to feel better. I deserve to feel like shit.
Embry just nods, gets up from the table, and heads out the back door to phase. I follow behind him. I don't want to be in the pack's mind right now, so I go to the side of the cabin to pull my motorcycle out of the shed. I haven't ridden in months. It still starts, thankfully, so I jump on and ride to the Cullen's main house.
As I pull up and park on the side, I'm greeted, not surprisingly, by Bella and Edward. They're standing outside on the porch. As I approach, Bella hurriedly strides toward me, stopping when she's only a few inches away.
Her brow scrunches and her eyes look sad and soft. She searches my gaze for a second before closing the space between us and wrapping her arms around my back in a brief hug.
My nose burns from her sickly-sweet vampire scent as I hug her back, but it's something I've gotten used to with being around the Cullens. Plus, Bella's different. She's a vamp that stinks, yes, but she's still one of my best friends.
Like it or not, the Cullens are sort of my family, too, thanks to Ness.
Well, they were. I don't know what they are now.
Just your friendly neighborhood bloodsuckers, maybe?
When Bella pulls away with that same sad expression, she says, "You look awful. I heard you've been drinking pretty excessively. I'm worried about you. It sounds like you're making some pretty stupid and reckless decisions."
"Nice to see you, too, Bells. Or should I say mom?" I respond sarcastically, wondering how she knows about the drinking. "I already got a lecture from Leah this morning. I don't need another one."
"Leah was thinking about your drinking last night when I asked her where you were." Edward responds to my thought.
"So, naturally, you decided to tell Bella – the biggest worry wort in the entire world – about it instead of just staying out of my business. Sounds about right."
"Jake," Bella says sternly. "He told me because I asked how you were doing. I know all this is hard on you."
"I'm fine. Don't worry." I slip my hands into the pockets of my shorts. "Look, I didn't come here to talk about me. What happened last night with the nomad bloodsuckers?"
I wish Leah or Embry weren't so afraid to come to the Cullen's so I could have sent one of them on this errand. I should have sent Seth, but that idea hadn't crossed my mind earlier. I knew it would be hard being here. Almost as difficult as being in that damn cabin.
"Join us inside so we can speak with Carlisle. He's just arriving home from his hospital shift, so we haven't discussed the situation with him yet." Edward explains.
I resist the urge to decline and take off into the trees to order Seth to be here instead. I can't be a coward. I follow behind them inside and into the dining room where everyone, but Carlisle, is already sitting at the table.
Bella gestures to the open seat to her right, so I take the hint and sit down. Esme is sitting on the other side of me. She reaches out toward me slowly then pauses. I look up at her and nod slightly. She gives me a warm smile then places her cold hand on my shoulder and squeezes lightly. "I know it might sound a little strange to you, but I've missed seeing you just as much as I've missed Renesmee. You're part of this family, too, you know."
I have no idea what to say to her, so I stay quiet until Blondie chimes in. "No dog will ever be part of my family."
"Rose," Esme scolds in a motherly tone.
That makes me crack a small smile because some things will never change. "Don't worry, Blondie. I wouldn't want to be part of your family either."
Rosalie rolls her eyes, flips her hair over her shoulder, and sticks her nose up in the air. "At least we agree on something."
"Hey, Beauty Queen, what's the hardest part about being a narcissistic vampire?"
She glares at me but says nothing. "I bet it's how you can't even see yourself in the mirror."
"Jaaaake," Bella draws out my name disapprovingly and elbows me, but Edward, Alice, and Jasper laugh. Even Emmett, who's standing behind Rosalie, cracks a smile and presses his lips together to avoid laughing. I bet that's wise of him. I'm sure Rosalie will clobber him later if he chuckles at any joke I make about her.
"Yes, she would." Edward responds to my thought with another laugh.
"You really are a prick, you know that?" Rosalie replies before snapping her head in the other direction. Emmett still looks like he's trying not to laugh, but he reaches forward and puts a hand on her shoulder.
"Oh, c'mon," I say to her. "I know you enjoy our quips. I'm the only one that ever dishes it back to you, giving you a challenge."
"She does enjoy it." Edward tells me with a smirk.
"Get out of my head!" Rose yells at him.
"You," Bella says to Edward. "Stop encouraging him." She turns back to me. "And you, stop being rude."
What can I say? This is just the type of relationship Rosalie and I have. She'll come back at me with a snide dog joke soon enough.
Nessie would be frowning at me if she were here and heard my comment to Rosalie. Ness has a soapbox about how misunderstood her aunt is. Now that I understand Rosalie's history, I have a lot more compassion for her. I like to think she tolerates me more nowadays, too, but I never pass up an opportunity for some sarcastic banter with her.
"I'm really not going to be able to see anything now." Alice whines as she rubs her temple and looks at me. She's sitting directly across from me, Jasper on her right, and Rosalie next to him.
"You weren't seeing much of anything, anyway." Edward comments.
Alice sticks her tongue out at him as Carlisle comes into the room and sits at the head of the table. Everyone turns toward him.
Edward begins by explaining how he, Emmett, and Jasper were leaving to hunt last night when they caught on to the nomads' scents. They ran into Leah and the others and joined in trying to track them. They ended up diving into the water and swimming in the direction they thought they were going, but quickly stopped their tracking since they couldn't follow the scent from under water. Long story short, the nomads got away again.
"We got close enough for a brief moment, and I was able to hear their thoughts," Edward continues. "The first one was just focused on his annoyance at the wolves. The other was thinking about a Children of the Moon dagger. That's what they're looking for. Have you ever heard of such a thing?"
"Yes." Carlisle appears pensive for a moment. "When Caius was nearly killed in a fight with a Child of the Moon, he organized the hunt against them, leading to their annihilation and extinction, as far as we know, anyway… Well, when Caius killed the Children of the Moon's Alpha, he had the creature's teeth and bones ground and made into a dagger."
Ugh. What a sick, psychopathic fucker.
"Why would they be searching for the dagger here of all places? What's its significance?" Jasper asks.
"Rumor has it, the dagger can instantly kill any vampire as soon as the sharp blade pierces the skin, just as a Child of the Moon's bite. Of course, I don't know if it's ever been tested. It was merely a trophy of sorts to Caius that he admired."
"Was?" Esme asks.
Carlisle nods. "It's been missing for decades. No one knows where it ended up, even to this day."
"So, these nomads somehow heard the story about the dagger, and now they're searching for it? But why here?" Bella asks.
Carlisle continues, "I should also mention that Caius supposedly had an enchantress bewitch the dagger to belong to 'the most powerful vampire in the world,' which, at the time, was him since he orchestrated the events that led to the demise of the Children of the Moon. However, he lacked humility in this asking, as he thought he would remain the most powerful vampire. That, obviously, has not been the case. Aro has theorized the dagger wasn't stolen, but that it merely left Caius once it deemed someone else more formidable. That is one reason Aro keeps searching for vampires to add to his guard; he wants to find who has the dagger."
"Why don't they ask the enchantress more specifics about the spell? Or see if she can track the dagger down?" Rosalie asks.
"The enchantress is dead. Caius killed her once he received the hexed dagger."
"Of course he did." Edward growls through clenched teeth. Apparently, I'm not the only one who loathes psycho Caius.
"Let me get this straight," I say as I glare at Dr. Vamp skeptically. "There's a magical bloodsucker dagger that the vamp police created, and this dagger has been enchanted to flock to whoever is the most powerful vampire?"
"Precisely," Carlisle responds. "But, quite frankly, I thought it was all a ruse."
"Apparently not." Alice says, sounding frustrated. "I don't know who these vampires are, so I'm not sure how to see them. Plus, anytime I try, it's like they're a blind spot – similar to how it is with the wolves. All I know is that they don't appear to be visiting us anytime soon… We still don't know why they would be searching for this dagger here."
Emmett shrugs. "We were about to obliterate the Volturi the last time they were in town. That must mean we are more powerful. Maybe they sent these nomads to see if one of us has it."
Alice shakes her head. "I would have seen if this was the Volturi. Unless they have someone else making decisions. Which they have done before, I suppose."
"Aro wants you to join the Volturi more than anything, Alice. Perhaps he thinks you have the dagger." Edward tells her. "Maybe he indirectly sent the nomads here to investigate you. He knows how your visions work, so maybe he's intervening with that knowledge in mind."
"No one will touch her." Jasper growls as he puts his hand on Alice's arm protectively.
"Could this be the Volturi's way of picking another fight with us?" Bella wonders as she looks first at Edward then back to Carlisle.
It's silent as everyone waits for Carlisle's response. He's quiet for several seconds before sighing. "Possibly."
. . . . . . . .
The meeting is over shortly after we discuss the plan moving forward. There's not much we can do since we have so little information, but it's decided that one of the wolves on each patrol shift will be stationed near the Cullen's residence. This is so Edward can monitor if any of the pack members pick up the nomads' scents. He'll intervene with the pack if that occurs so he can try getting a better look into the nomads' minds. Alice will continue trying to monitor things, but she's frustrated about her blind spots.
After it's all decided, I say bye to Bella and Esme then head outside to phase so I can inform the pack of everything going on.
Who the fuck would have thought some mystical leach dagger would cause all this chaos? Just another stupid situation I don't want to deal with.
What I really want to do is take off into the woods and run as far away from all these responsibilities as I can. I want to run toward Ness and beg her to come home to me. I want to pull her into my arms and bury my face in her hair. I want to feel her body wrapped up in mine. I want her insight on this weird-ass dagger situation. I want her reassurance. I want her friendship…
I just want her.
All of her.
Nothing else matters.
Fuck, I need a beer.
I get to the tree line and strip my shirt off, preparing to phase.
"You are still our family, just as Esme said," I turn around to see Edward standing on the porch. "You wondered about that earlier. Even though Renesmee isn't here right now, you are still our family, Jacob."
I roll my eyes. "Great. Just what I need. A family full of bloodsuckers."
"I know this is beyond difficult for you. When I left Bella all those years ago, I would have been drunk, too, if vampires could escape in such a way… I also had the luxury of physically leaving and isolating myself. You don't because of the wolf pack. I can't imagine you trying to keep all that afloat while missing her."
I'm quiet for a moment. "Have you heard from her?" I ask because I'm a masochist.
"Bella and I spoke to her yesterday via FaceTime. She seemed well. Better than I've seen her in a long time, Jacob. It sounds like Senna has really helped her… She's leaving the Amazon Coven soon and traveling to Chile with Nahuel and Hulien."
Nahuel and Hulien… It takes me a moment to remember who they are. Then I remember that it's the other hybrid and his vampire aunt. Awesome. I try not to be jealous as I think of Nessie with them. I'm glad she's doing better, but what does that mean about our relationship if she needed to get away from me to feel better?
I guess that's just me being selfish since I can't determine what Nessie needs for her own healing. I just can't imagine ever being in a headspace where I would want to be away from her. My healing happens with her, not without her.
"I think she's doing this for you rather than to spite you, Jacob."
"Could've fucking fooled me." I gripe before turning away and taking off into the trees. I strip off my shorts and burst.
Chapter 10
Notes:
I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"peace" by Taylor Swift
And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences
Sit with you in the trenches
Give you my wild, give you a child
Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other
Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother
Is it enough?
But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west
I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best
But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me
RPOV
"Push harder. You are holding back," Senna says calmly. "You are afraid of your own talent."
I let out a groan then focus on taking a few deep breaths. I told Senna a few days ago I wanted to travel with Nahuel and Hulien back to their home on the outskirts of Chile soon, so she and I have been going full force on my "training," all week which now included me attempting to expand my power.
Today's lesson was no different, except she was being more assertive. We've been focusing a lot on feeling where my power is inside of me and how I can expand it. Senna is being insistent that I can project my thoughts without touch if I just try hard enough, but I'm beginning to feel skeptical.
"Maybe it's something I can only do under distress," I pant, feeling exhausted from pushing my mind so intensely. I clasp my hands behind my head and walk in a lazy circle, trying to combat the exhaustion.
"Perhaps." Senna tilts her head to the side as she studies me for a moment. "You know, one of your gaps is almost completely closed, but the other seems to be healing slower. The grey energy hue around you has nearly dissipated as well; you are a golden yellow today."
"That's good, right?"
"Those are significant signs of healing, Nessie. But if you can only project your thoughts under distress…" She trails off for a few seconds. "What is preventing the larger gap from healing? What is hindering its progress?" These seem to be rhetorical questions because Senna appears pensive and closes her eyes, like she's trying to concentrate on me to figure out the answer.
If I have to guess, I can probably identify what caused both of the gaps, and which one is being stubborn. I can also guess why it's not healing as easily but hearing Senna's insight on the matter seems easier than telling her my conclusions. So, I stay quiet until she opens her eyes.
"It's the shapeshifter mainly," she says matter-of-factly. "You've done most of the restoration you can for yourself, but the remaining hurt is between both of you; you need to repair your relationship with him before moving forward in your healing… Aside from him, you also need to feel some security and confidence in who you are; you still feel a lot of shame," she pauses. "And the best way to overcome shame is through vulnerability."
I swallow hard and feel tears pool in my eyes at her words. She's right, and it's partially what I was already thinking. I sniff and reach up to wipe a tear that runs down my cheek. Although I'm definitely not feeling flooded and panicked like I did in the bright clearing a month and a half ago, I still feel sad.
Senna just reminded me about the worst part of everything – the fact that Jacob and I share the same pain, so I have no idea how to heal and move forward with him, especially since I'm the one that caused the mutual agony. And she's right – I'm still harboring so much guilt and shame that I can't even speak the words out loud about what's happened.
As I reflect on what Senna said, I feel a subtle tug inside my chest. I close my eyes and focus on it. I immediately feel my power thrumming away, like it's waiting to be utilized, waiting to protect me. I feel this small vibration every time I touch someone and share my thoughts and images with them, but it feels different now…
The more I focus on it, the more intense it begins to feel. I take a few minutes to really notice the sensation, trying to fully grasp and understand how to wield the growing energy on my own command. Senna's a mastermind; asking me about my pain has, unsurprisingly, given me a tighter grasp on my ability.
"I think I can do it," I say, taking a deep breath. I blink my eyes open. I feel my power pulsing through my veins; it's everywhere, not just in my chest. It feels intoxicating, but light and tingly. As I focus on Senna, I send a tether from my mind to her own. I'm not sure how I do it, but it's like an innate knowing.
Once the tether is established, I gasp softly because I think I can hear Senna's thoughts: She's going to do it this time, I can feel it. If only she can continue practicing so she can utilize her gift without being distressed…
Whoa.
I send a thought along the tether to her: I think I am doing it, Senna. Can you hear this? I just heard your thoughts, and I hope I can master my skill without having to feel intense emotion, too.
Senna jerks back quickly, startling me. I feel the tether snap back into me, the connection between us breaking. "Did you hear me?" I ask.
"Yes, but…" Senna's eyes are wide. "It wasn't your voice that I heard, Renesmee."
My brow scrunches in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"I'm not sure," Senna admits skeptically. "Can you do it again?"
I nod and refocus on feeling that exhilarating, buzzing energy thrumming first in my chest, then commanding it to spread throughout my body again. I gaze at Senna and create the connection between us once more; it's like a rope between both our minds. I hear her thoughts again: If Renesmee did what I think she just did, her power is much vaster than we were originally anticipating. I can't wait to tell Zafrina. She will find Nessie's gift fascinating…
I respond to her like I did before, sending my thoughts down through the rope-like bond that feels like it's holding Senna's mind captive: I think I hear your thoughts again, Senna. And I agree; it will be interesting to see Zafrina's reaction to this new part of my ability.
Senna's eyes widen. It's not her voice that I hear when she speaks to me; it's my own. She can't just project her thoughts, she can manipulate other people's thoughts. With some practice, she'll be able to do it without the other person even noticing.
It's my turn to semi-panic this time. I take in a sharp breath and feel the connection sever due to my lack of concentration. "What were you just thinking?" I demand. "What do you mean I can 'manipulate other people's thoughts'?"
"Nessie, when you spoke to me in my mind, I would not have known it was you if we weren't practicing this skill right now… When I heard you speak, it sounded like my own inner voice, my own inner thoughts; it didn't sound like you, it sounded like me."
"What!" I screech, because I have no idea how to respond to this information.
"Yes," Senna continues. "In a way, this really is the perfect combination of your mother's and father's gifts. Your father being able to hear thoughts on a steady basis and your mother having a shield that she can project or eliminate around her mind… You are able to hear thoughts and project your thoughts to the other person without them knowing; they will think the ideas they're having are their own. Do you realize how colossal this is, Renesmee? You can make anyone think whatever you want them to!"
I'm still having a hard time digesting what she's saying to me. How could my talent have expanded in this way? All my life, I thought I could just show others what I was thinking while touching them…
Now, Senna's telling me I no longer need to physically touch someone to project my thoughts? I can hear what the other person is thinking, and I can interject their thoughts in a way that disguises I'm even doing it?
I can make anyone think whatever I want them to think, which means I can make anyone do whatever I want them to do…
No, no. I don't want this.
This feels incredibly overwhelming and frightening. I don't want to exercise this much power; it feels too intrusive, too vast.
"This doesn't make any sense."
Senna smiles briefly. "What troubles you about this? Don't you see how magnificent it is? You can infiltrate and control another person's mind without them even being aware."
"I don't think 'magnificent' is the correct adjective," I say sourly. "Besides, maybe this was just a fluke. How would I just be finding out that I can do this now?"
Senna's expression turns contemplative. "Well, when vampires are first discovering their gifts, it often takes them time to expand and harness their skills…. They also may not know the full potential of their power until they are under distress. It seems that, for many of us, our power becomes more potent when we feel we are in danger. I think it's a response to distress – our abilities react strongly to try and protect us."
I shake my head, trying to organize my thoughts around this. I need to test it again, see if I can make sense of it all. So, I take a step toward Senna and touch her cheek. I feel that small vibration in my chest as I send her images of First Beach and tell her how it's one of my favorite places back home.
I drop my hand. "Could you tell that was me sharing those images with you?"
"Yes. I could tell you were choosing to show me the beach from your memories."
I nod then take a deep breath. "Okay. I am going to try connecting to you like I did a few minutes ago." I focus on creating the mind link with Senna again by expanding that sizzling feeling inside me.
I stretch my power until the tether is connected to Senna… Her mind feels light and fragile, like I could completely shatter her with merely a thought, taking away her life entirely. Dread fills my stomach at the idea. Maybe that's why this power scares me so much. I push that repugnant knowledge away and focus on listening.
I don't understand why Renesmee seems terrified of this new-found part of herself. I guess most vampires are somewhat afraid of their powers until they learn how to wield them, I hear Senna think.
This time, I try to say something that will blend in with her own thoughts: But maybe she doesn't want this power. Maybe it feels scary to her.
Scary or not, this is a valuable tool she can utilize if she's ever in danger, Senna thinks. If she is afraid of this, hopefully she can overcome that fear in time and realize this gift is part of who she is.
I decide to change the subject to see what happens then. I really want to tell Zafrina about this. Maybe we can end our training early so I can go find her.
After I think that thought to Senna, I turn away from her and walk over to my backpack to get a drink of water from my canteen. I maintain the mind connection with her, but I try to make it seem like I didn't just plant that idea in her head.
Senna imagines running through the forest to the designated area she and Zafrina said they would meet. She visualizes wrapping her arms around Zafrina and snuggling her head into Zafrina's neck.
Yes, I think I want to end our training now because I miss her, I think down the mind-bond.
Then I break the connection, pulling my gift back into me. I thought it would be exhausting to utilize my power, but it's actually the opposite; I feel more alive, like I've been stifling this part of myself for a long, long time.
Senna is eying me skeptically. "Were you inside my mind?"
I nod and give her a small smile. Maybe this new part of me wasn't going to be so bad after all. "I planted the thought of you missing Zafrina and wanting to end training early."
"Wow." Senna lets out an amused laugh. "I never would have known that you planted that idea in my mind if you had not informed me. I really was about to ask if you minded us ending our lessons early."
"So, if we weren't practicing my skill, you wouldn't have questioned those thoughts as not being your own?"
"I wouldn't have even known to question it, Nessie."
I shake my head, still feeling somewhat overwhelmed by this new discovery. "We really can end early, Senna, if you're wanting to spend some time with Zafrina. I need to pack my things to leave tomorrow anyway."
Senna reaches forward and grabs my hand. "There's one more thing I want to do before you leave."
"What is it?"
"We need to go back into the clearing where the sun shines brightly through the break in the trees. You are stronger now. You need to see the healing you've fostered." She squeezes my hand then takes off into a sprint, towing me beside her.
We run for about ten minutes in silence. Senna swerves to the right and leaps over a creek before heading toward a break in the trees. I follow right behind her. We stop right before the clearing's entrance.
Senna turns to me, "Try not to assault me this time, please," she gives me a small smirk before striding into the clearing. "You really are quick on your feet for being only half vampire."
I swallow hard then focus all my attention on ensuring my nervous system is regulated. After a moment, I slowly walk past the last of the trees and into the brightly lit meadow.
I take slow steps until I'm standing beside Senna in the center. I look at her then tilt my head back and focus on feeling the warmth of the sun on my face as I close my eyes.
No panic.
No dreadful memories surface from the bright light.
A smile creeps up on my lips as I continue to absorb the sun's heat.
"Nessie," Senna says softly. I sigh in relief before opening my eyes and finding her gaze. Her eyes are soft as she asks, "What happened to you? What caused the gaps?"
The relief I felt fizzles away as anxiety fills my stomach. I won't allow myself to panic, so I practice all the emotional regulation techniques that Senna's taught me – longer exhale, focusing on the warmth of the sun against my skin, tapping my shoulders for bilateral stimulation, and focusing on my feet feeling grounded against the forest floor.
How do I share my story with Senna? She's been incredibly helpful and kind. I think of her as a close friend now, but I'm terrified of her judgement.
No, I'm terrified of everyone's judgement.
"You are holding yourself to an impossible standard, and you are ridiculing yourself for things outside of your control. Often when we have the courage to share our shame, it provides us with a corrective emotional experience that stops the shame in its tracks. So, when you feel ready, being vulnerable and sharing your story with someone safe may be an important next step."
"How do I find the courage when I feel so sheepish?" I ask, my cheeks flushing.
"Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful parts of us, Nessie… Think about it – you would have never found out about this power you wield without the adversity you've faced," she says before pausing. "But you need to forgive yourself before you can understand that truth."
"Okay, how do I forgive myself then?"
Senna gives me a small smile and tilts her head to the side. "Only you know the answer to that."
I process her words slowly then decide that the first step toward forgiving myself is to, maybe, let someone safe and neutral in. If Senna can still be my friend and care about me regardless of my gaps, maybe I can learn to do that for myself, too…
So, I take a step closer to her, rest my trembling hand on her cheek, and share my story with her.
. . . . . . .
Once I get back to my hotel, I take a nap because practicing to use my power, although elating, also feels exhausting. Or maybe I'm just tired from the stress of sharing everything with Senna. Not that she didn't react well, because she did, but I still felt drained.
After sharing everything with Senna, she simply looked at me with her impartial expression then pulled me into a tight hug. She never said anything; she just held me. As simply as it was, her response meant more to me than words ever could. Being held by her after baring my soul… Well, it felt like I was still lovable and worthy despite the debilitating shit I carried around.
I would never be able to repay Senna for all the healing she'd given me.
When I wake up, I order room service from the hotel's restaurant, do a few loads of laundry, and focus on organizing and packing all my things to leave with Nahuel and Hulien tomorrow morning. As I fold my clothes, I wonder more about my conversation with Senna, specifically about forgiveness.
What does it mean to offer someone your forgiveness? Is something ever unforgivable? Do my actions fall under the unforgivable category?
Senna still seemed to think I was being way too harsh on myself, even after I showed her everything. I sigh as I stuff a pile of folded jeans into my duffel bag.
Maybe it's just easier to despise myself before giving someone else the opportunity to hate me.
Yes, I think, pausing. That's it.
Maybe I don't know how to offer myself forgiveness yet, but I do know that I never opened up to my family or Jacob because I was afraid of their judgement. Because them loathing me feels a thousand times scarier than me hating myself.
That's one of the big reasons I left home – I was so afraid of how everyone would look at me after the mistake I made. And I couldn't open up to anyone about my shame because if they judged me, too… Well, that probably would have completely crushed me.
Senna said earlier that vulnerability squashes shame.
I've been running as far as I can away from vulnerability… But I guess the price of trusting and loving someone wholeheartedly is knowing that they may hurt you when you are vulnerable with them. And on the flip side, not being vulnerable means not having true, authentic relationships.
My mind drifts to Jacob. Is there anything he could do that would be unforgivable to me? My immediate answer is no, but maybe that's me being naïve…
Actually, no, it's not me being naïve. I know Jacob's heart better than my own, and I know that he would never do anything malicious intentionally. I love him unconditionally, no questions asked.
Is it crazy to think that he loves and accepts you the same way? A small voice asks in my mind.
The old me would have said that thought isn't crazy at all. But the new me hates herself, and therefore, thinks everyone hates her, too.
But I know Jacob doesn't hate me, not really.
And I've completely shut him out.
I shove my laundry pile to the side and plop down on the bed after grabbing my phone on the nightstand.
I open my conversation with The Sexiest Werewolf and send a quick message before overthinking it: I'm leaving to go to Chile tomorrow. I don't know if you remember Nahuel and Hulien, but that's who I'll be with… I guess I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I may not be sure about most things in my life right now, but my love for you has never been an uncertainty.
I glance at the clock on the hotel's nightstand. It's almost midnight here, so that means it's about 9:00 p.m. back home. Jacob's usually done patrolling during the day by about 7:00 p.m. unless shit hits the fan.
I sit there, staring at my conversation with Jacob, praying to see those three little dots surface to signal him replying. I wait and wait while chewing on my lip, my stomach in knots.
Finally, I see the dots pop up and his reply follows: I already know that's where you'll be. Your dad told me a couple days ago since you haven't bothered to check-in with me.
Then a second message appears: And give me a goddamn break with the loving me bullshit already.
My heart starts racing as I scrutinize his replies over and over, thinking I must have read them incorrectly. Never in my life has Jacob been angry with me. I've seen him pissed, sure, but it was never directed at me.
But I'm not callow. I know I've hurt him in a lot of ways. He has every right to be furious with me.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't sting.
I swallow the lump in my throat. You talked to my dad? And it's not bullshit, Jake.
Yeah, he texts quickly. Fucking leach dagger shit. Ugh.
What does that even mean? It's probably a typo, I decide.
Huh? I ask.
Not like you care anyway, his next message reads. He quickly follows it up with a ton of very random emojis that don't fit the context of the conversation.
What's going on? Are you okay?
This isn't Jacob's typical way of texting. Something feels off or wrong. I can understand him being pissed at me, but he's texting bizarrely.
He sends a shit ton of random emojis again before saying, Am I okay? HAHA. What kind of ignorant question is that? I'm fucking hurting and you're making it worse, Nessie.
I stiffen. Everything in me turns cold. My phone slips through my fingers and plops down on the white bedspread.
I stare at nothing.
Hear nothing.
Feel nothing.
I don't know how long I sat there, muttering the words in my brain over and over, trying to digest them: I was making his pain worse, I was making his pain worse.
I finally focus on my breathing, force myself to come back into the present moment. I close my eyes and focus on slowing my galloping heart.
I mean, what did I honestly expect? I left Jacob. I was his imprint, and I left him. Didn't all the stories point to how devastating that was to a shapeshifter? Maybe I was naïve to believe leaving would help both of us. Maybe I was being selfish. Maybe he didn't love me unconditionally the way I thought.
I didn't blame him.
I pick up my phone again. No new messages. I decide not to reply to his last text since it's pretty clear he doesn't want to hear from me right now. I don't want to make him feel any worse by continuing the conversation.
I kick my shoes off then shove my laundry pile further to the side. I will finish packing in the morning or in a couple hours when sleep inevitably evades me. I curl up into a fetal position, wrap my arms around my abdomen and let myself softly sob. I'm not overwhelmed by the sadness like I used to be, I realize, but the pain is still there.
Maybe this part of my gap will never be healed fully.
At least I can try to focus on being vulnerable and forgiving and accepting myself. I'm not entirely sure how to do any of that, but Senna seems certain that I will find those answers while traveling with Nahuel and Hulien and if I can eventually make amends with Jacob.
For now, I decide not to think about any of that. I just allow myself to feel sad that I've ruptured the relationship with my favorite person. I just hope that, one day, we'll be able to mend.
. . . . . . .
When I wake up several hours later, I glance at the clock. It's 5:00 a.m.
I reach for my phone beside me, unlock the screen, and see a message waiting from Jacob from half an hour ago: I didn't mean what I said, Ness. I was… Well, I wasn't in a good headspace when you messaged me. I'm hurting, but I know you are too. I'm sorry. Be safe traveling – you're carrying my heart with you.
Then in another message: That sounded cheesy as hell, but it's true. All the cheesiness is true with you.
I smile before responding: A tornado destroyed a French cheese factory.
Surprisingly, Jacob replies immediately even though I would have thought he'd still be asleep: What?
All that's left is da Brie.
Jacob sends a laughing emoji. I wasn't expecting a joke after my idiotic texts earlier.
They weren't idiotic, I say. They were truthful. I don't know how to make things right yet, but I'm trying.
Just come home to me when you're ready. Promise me you will.
My heart twists. Was that really the right thing to do? I know it must be killing Jacob that I'm gone, but when I go home, it's not like our problems will be magically fixed. Nothing can truly fix our quandary.
As soon as I can, I reply, but the unedited version of my message echoes through my mind: As soon as I know what's best for you. And what's best for you might be me staying far, far away from you.
Chapter 11
Notes:
A/N: This update is a little later than usual because I was grappling with the idea of finishing this story or not… I post this story on another site, and I recently received a few negative, misogynistic reviews and messages about the story’s feministic plot. Needless to say, I was feeling a little discouraged. However, I love this story, so I plan to continue! But if the feministic themes are not your jam, please find a different Nessie/Jacob story to read – there are plenty to chose from. I hope you all have a great week! :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"It's Nice to Have a Friend" by Taylor Swift
Light pink sky, up on the roof
Sun sinks down, no curfew
Twenty questions, we tell the truth
You've been stressed out lately? Yeah, me too
Something gave you the nerve
To touch my hand
It's nice to have a friend
RPOV
Four months ago
"Nessie, I wish you would talk to me. You've been shutting me out for months and months."
I swallowed hard and continued strolling deeper into the forest. How was I supposed to talk to Jake about everything that happened? He was the person it was the hardest to face because this situation was painful for him, too. I couldn't talk to him. Not when everything was my fault. Not when I was the reason he was in pain.
It's been a long, hard fifteen months. What first was joy and happiness, quickly turned into grief and sorrow. And I wasn't managing any of the anguish well, that was for fucking sure.
Jacob tried again, "You've been even more distant since we went to Sam and Emily's last weekend… Did something else happen there?"
I took in a sharp breath. Yes, I wanted to respond. Some of the other pack members think we aren't a good fit for each other. And you feel the same way, don't you?
Of course, I already knew this myself, but the wound was ripped open further after overhearing Kim say her thoughts about our situation to Emily. She wondered if Jake would… imprint on someone else. And even though the idea sounded ridiculous to Emily, Kim had voiced my biggest inner fear.
But I don't say any of this to Jake. Mainly because I'm a coward. But also because I don't want to start any conflict between Jacob and his pack members. I also don't want to acknowledge the fact that maybe Jake and I really aren't supposed to be together. Maybe I'm being selfish, but the thought of losing him on top of everything else feels excruciating.
Instead of voicing any of my inner turmoil, I just shook my head, dismissing his question. I continued walking.
Jacob reached for my hand and pulled me to a stop. His other hand came up to cup my cheek. I finally looked up at him. His dark brown eyes were soft and loving, but also looked full of sorrow. He searched my face for a long moment. I wondered what he saw, or what he was looking for.
"Ness…" He whispered my name, causing me to lose the careful façade I'd crafted. Tears filled my eyes as I leaned into his warm hand and closed my eyes. Jacob's arm wrapped around my back and pulled me into his chest. He rested his chin on top of my head. His thumb swept back and forth soothingly on my cheek as I let the tears silently fall without saying or showing him anything.
"Shh, I'm here, Ness. We will get through this. I promise." Jacob muttered as I continued to sob and bury further into his warmth.
We stood there for quite a while in the middle of the forest just holding each other. After some time, I slowly blinked my eyes open, but I didn't move from Jacob's embrace. It was dark outside now, past twilight.
Jacob had coaxed me into taking a walk with him that evening because he said I needed to get out of the house. He brought home dinner, but I told him I wasn't hungry. I haven't had an appetite lately.
I felt ashamed all of a sudden. Jacob was hurting too, yet he was still functioning. He still took care of the wolf pack on top of keeping me from plummeting further into my dark depression hole.
Maybe I should find the courage to tell him everything I've been harboring for months. Maybe I should tell him how we, maybe, aren't a good match for each other. Maybe I should just tell him everything, really let him in.
If only I knew how.
Everything used to be so easy and carefree with Jacob, but it wasn't anymore.
Because of me.
But I owed it to Jacob to open up to him, to alleviate his worry about me. He was in pain from our situation, but also because of how torn up I've been.
I would try to open up to him.
Once I mustered up a single drop of courage, I slowly pulled away and glanced up at Jake. I reached to cup his cheek. It would be easier to show him so I wouldn't have to speak. I searched his eyes. He didn't dare mutter a word. I think he knew I was trying to find a way to let him in.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I let the first memory flow – one where he had screamed my name and scooped me up from the bed after seeing all the blood. I showed him how terrified I was in that moment because –
I was cut off by a high-pitched scream from deeper in the forest. I spun around, startled. I looked to Jacob who wore a confused expression. I heard the scream again, so I immediately started running toward the sound.
I wasn't sure why, but my instincts told me I had to. Jacob was beside me a couple of seconds later in his wolf form. We raced forward upon hearing the shout again.
I could hear a deep voice as we got closer to the source of the sound. "Just be still! Stop fighting this. I know you want it, too, sweetheart."
"Get away from me!" A woman yelled back. The voice sounded familiar for some reason. Jacob whined, letting me know he heard them too. I started running quicker.
As soon as we made it to the break in the trees, Jacob stopped to phase back. I didn't wait for him as I jolted into the small clearing.
A man, maybe in his mid-30s, was forcefully holding a woman against a large tree. His forearm was pressed across her collarbones, keeping her pinned against the bark. His other hand was in the middle of unbuttoning his pants. The woman was wearing a dress that was already bunched up around her stomach, revealing her underwear that was, thankfully, still on.
"If you scream again, you little bitch, I'll slap you across the face a second time," the man said menacingly.
The woman was struggling against his grip and was attempting to bite his arm but couldn't reach. She was also trying to kick him, but the bastard was using one of his legs to pins both of hers.
The woman wasn't just anyone, though.
It was my human friend I made in college – Avery. She was the only friend I made fully on my own – my only friend outside of my vampire and werewolf family.
Avery had just texted me this morning to see how I was feeling. She told me she had a date tonight with some new guy she met online.
"Get the fuck away from her!" I screamed. They both turned to stare at me, their eyes wide.
I strode forward quickly, straight toward the man that was still pinning my friend against the tree.
"Nessie?" Avery yelled. "Oh, god, get out of here! Go call the police!" I ignored her. My gaze was locked in on the filthy piece of shit that still had the audacity to jive his arm harder against Avery's chest, causing her to let out a whimper and gasp for air.
"Oh, someone else came to play too, huh?" The bastard said, giving me a sarcastic, conceited smirk.
I felt fire start in my chest and explode out of me in blinding rage. I might have had a small semblance of logic when I first came into the clearing, but it was long gone now. Long fucking gone.
I didn't care that Avery was here and that she might see the vampire side of me. My only focus was getting his grimy hands off of her and making him pay for assaulting her.
Most women don't get any kind of justice for men sexually assaulting them.
But Avery would not be one of those women. Not if I had anything to say about it, anyway.
Nothing else mattered in that moment except for retribution – for Avery and for all the other women I'm sure that creep preyed on.
That bastard was going to beg for death once I was done with him.
I shot forward and gripped the back of the man's neck tightly and threw him across the clearing. He landed several yards away from us on his side after banging into a tree. He groaned. Good. I turned my back to Avery and stalked toward him.
"Ness," I heard Jacob say, worry in his voice. I turned around where he was now hunched down with Avery's arm slumped around his neck and his arm around her back. He was supporting her weight as tears streamed down her face, leaving mascara streaks on her cheeks. She stared blankly at the forest floor in front of her, looking like she could be going into shock.
"Get her out of here! Now!" I ordered Jake.
"Nessie –" He started to protest.
"Jacob, listen to me!" I demanded. I knew he didn't want to leave me here alone, but I was in no state of mind to hear him out on it. I could hold my own against a human, against anyone. And this disgusting, pathetic man was going to pay. "Get Avery out of here! Take her to Carlisle and make sure she's not injured!"
"You take her. I'll handle things here." Jacob retorted.
I shot him a murderous glare. "No," I growled. "Absolutely not."
"What? I'm not leaving you here alone with him!" Avery shrieked. "He'll hurt you instead, Nessie!"
I gave Jake a pleading look. I wasn't budging on this, and I think he could tell. "I'll drop her off and come right back." He conceded before turning toward Avery.
He asked her if he could carry her. She nodded but started yelling as Jacob scooped her up and took off running into the trees. "No! What are we doing!? Go back! He'll hurt her, he'll –"
Her cries eventually became too distant for me to hear.
I prowled forward toward the man who was still lying on his side on the forest floor.
I've been so numb the last several months that I forgot what it was like to have any type of emotion at all. But adrenaline was flowing through my veins now, making me feel alive again, making me feel good.
The man groaned and tried to get up as I approached, but he was unable to. It seemed like his leg was broken. I grabbed his shoulder and flipped him down onto his back, causing him to shout out in pain. I stepped over his body and crouched forward.
"Get away from me, you bitch!" He yelled before spitting toward my face. I dodged it then glared at him before sending a punch directly into his nose.
"Ahh!" He moaned before cupping his face in pain.
I drew my arm back again, preparing to send another punch into his jaw, but I was stunned into stillness by the scent of blood.
Blood that smelled heavenly as it gushed out of the man's nose.
My throat burned. Aching need spread through my body…
Blood.
Blood.
Blood.
Blood.
I was starving.
I could think of nothing else.
I wanted nothing else.
Nothing else mattered.
When's the last time I hunted, or ate anything for that matter? I couldn't remember. Everything was a blur in my mind.
I just needed the blood.
I needed it more than I'd ever needed anything.
I punched the guy so hard in the side of his head that he went unconscious. Then I immediately leaned forward and sunk my teeth into his jugular.
I thought I felt alive with the adrenaline flowing through my veins earlier, but I was wrong.
So very, very wrong.
The taste of human blood was exactly what I needed to feel alive again. The ache in my throat was easing, my muscles felt stronger, my body didn't feel as sluggish, and my mind…
My mind felt clear and relaxed and euphoric; the best high I could ever imagine.
I drank and drank and drank…
Gulp after glorious gulp…
Until I heard Jacob mutter my name behind me, knocking me out of my blood-induced coma. I stood up after I drained all the blood, which only took a few more mouthfuls. I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt before turning toward Jake.
"Ness," Jacob said softly again.
I stared at him. His face was full of concern and bewilderment. He swallowed hard before taking a few slow steps toward me. I turned back to the man. His skin was disgustingly pale. His chest wasn't rising. He didn't have a heartbeat.
He was… dead.
Dead because I drank his blood.
Dead because I killed him.
I killed him.
I killed him, I killed him, I killed him…
"Nessie, what –" That wasn't Jacob's voice.
I turned around quickly to see my dad, flanked by both of my uncles. They all strode into the small clearing. I looked to my uncles first, knowing their criticism wouldn't be anything compared to that of my dad's, or, worse, my grandfather's… I prayed he wasn't here.
My Uncle Jasper had a stoic, flat affect. My Uncle Emmett just shrugged. I finally looked at my dad and saw disappointment in his expression.
I was no longer a model daughter.
I fell off the pretty little pedestal he and everyone else had me on.
I didn't live up to my family's expectations.
Or my own expectations.
This was unforgivable.
I was a monster.
A murderer.
"Renesmee, love, that's not it. I –" My dad started to say, but I cut him off with my loud thoughts: Please don't say anything right now.
I glanced at Jacob again. He took a step toward me again, his arm outreached, palm up, and his expression still one of sadness. I shook my head at him and turned back around, no longer facing my family.
Shame flooded through me.
I was a killer.
I murdered someone.
I drank all of his blood… and I liked it.
God, did I like it.
And I wanted more.
More, more, more…
But the craving scared me.
I didn't want to be a monster. I didn't want to kill humans. I didn't want to see the disappointment and pity and judgement on my family member's faces. And…
Fuck!
Did this break the treaty between my vampire and werewolf family? What would this do to Jacob? I just put him in the middle of defending the values and morals of his pack or protecting me…
I truly was a monster.
I took one last look into the dead eyes of my victim then bolted into the trees to run away.
Away from this mistake, away from my grief, away from the disappointment my family would have, away from the conflict I just created for Jake.
Away, away, away.
I ran and ran for what felt like a lifetime. I eventually stopped to rest for a moment and ended up collapsing and curling up in a fetal position underneath a tree. I closed my eyes and focused only on the raindrops that hit my face. I let myself drift.
Jacob's arms slid underneath me at some point as he carried me back toward our cabin.
"I killed someone, I killed someone, I killed someone…" I muttered over and over again into his chest.
Then I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. They were shaking me. Why was I shaking? What was happening?
"Nessie! Nessie, wake up. I think you're having a nightmare."
My eyes shoot open. I spring out of bed, immediately landing to my feet and looking around me. My forehead is covered in sweat, my heart is racing, and I'm panting.
"Easy," someone says behind me. I turn around, seeing Nahuel with his hands slightly up. "You're safe. Everything's okay."
A nightmare. I had a nightmare.
Breathe in, belly expands.
Breathe out longer, belly contracts.
I close my eyes for a moment and repeat the breathing technique until my heart and breathing slow down.
When I open my eyes, Nahuel is still in the same spot, a few feet away from me. We stare at each other for a few seconds in silence. I am in a small bedroom in Nahuel and Hulien's house.
It was a long trek southeast to get to Nahuel and Huilen's home outside of Chile; it took us a couple of days. Nahuel and his aunt have a small cottage in the Chile forest, and I've been here with them for about three days.
Nahuel is the first to break the silence. "Do you want to join me on a walk?"
I glance over at the clock. It's 4:00 in the morning. "Now?"
He nods. "When I've had nightmares, I often find it difficult to fall back asleep. I thought that might be similar for you? Walks seem to help me."
"You've had nightmares before?"
"Yes. Quite a bit when I was younger."
"Oh," I say, surprised. "Let me just get my shoes on."
"I'll meet you outside." He says then leaves out of the guest room.
I scramble over to my duffel bag and find some clean socks before shoving my feet into my hiking boots and lacing them up. I meet Nahuel outside a minutes later and follow his lead deeper into the dark forest.
We don't say anything for awhile, but it's not awkward. I've found that it's easy being in Nahuel's company; his quiet presence is settling instead of anxiety-provoking.
"Truth or dare?" Nahuel asks randomly, breaking the silence as we continue walking.
A small chuckle escapes from behind my lips. "What?"
"Isn't that a game people play to have fun, or to get to know each other?"
I laugh. "I guess so. Sort of… Maybe you're thinking of twenty questions or would you rather."
"How about we play a game of asking questions where no one can dodge the answer?"
I swallow nervously before hesitantly agreeing.
"Okay. Let's play. I'll ask first. What's your favorite color?"
"Russet brown." I respond without a thought.
He snorts in amusement. "That's oddly specific."
"Yes, I suppose it is," I laugh. "It's the color of Jacob's fur."
"Jacob is one of the shapeshifters, if memory serves me correctly?"
"Yes."
"I found the shapeshifters fascinating when I briefly interacted with a few of them years ago," he says before pausing. "Jacob is your partner, right?"
I shrug. "In layman's terms, I guess that's the easiest way to put it. But it's more than that. Or it was, anyway."
"How is it 'more'?"
I shake my head. "No, no, no. You already asked your question! It's my turn."
He laughs this time. "My apologies. Go ahead."
"Hmm," I ponder. "Do you have any hobbies?"
Nahuel jumps across a creek then turns to make sure I follow him. I do, and we keep trekking through the forest as he responds, "I like to cook."
"Really?" I try to mask my surprise, but I don't think I do a very good job.
He smiles. "Yeah. I prefer human food to blood nowadays. There's so many different options and flavors when it comes to food. I'm always trying new recipes."
"Maybe you can give me some pointers. I'm a terrible cook."
"Sure," he laughs. "We can make dinner together this evening."
"I'd like that," I say and genuinely mean it. Jacob always cooked for us back home. He had to learn at a young age to cook for himself and his dad. I never picked up the skill since no one in my vampire family prepared human food often. "Okay, your turn."
"How is your relationship with Jacob 'more'?"
"Of course you come back to that," I reply somewhat scornfully.
"Please don't feel pressure to answer. I'm merely curious now."
I think with almost anyone else, I might dodge the question. But two things keep me from doing so. First, before I left the Amazon coven, Senna told me to begin practicing vulnerability. She said if I can speak my difficult thoughts and feelings out loud, it often removes the shame. Second, Nahuel feels safe. It's hard to explain, but his presence is calming. He seems genuine and authentic. It feels easy to be friends with him.
So, I take a deep breath and explain, "There's something called 'imprinting' that happens to many of the shapeshifters. It's sort of like love at first sight – that's the easiest way to explain it, anyway. Jacob imprinted on me, so that makes us mates… I can't fully describe the level of adoration I have for him. He's the best person I've ever known. He's the reason I separated from my family – I wanted him to have a break from me fucking things over for him."
Nahuel is quiet for a few seconds. "So, you don't get to choose your own partner if you're a shapeshifter? Fate, essentially, decides for you?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"Interesting," he responds inquisitively. "I think I would hate having the choice taken away from me."
What he says rings true to me in so many ways. I wish I had a choice in choosing Jacob, in a way… I feel guilty for even having the thought. The truth is, I'm a million percent sure I would always choose Jacob. But I don't want him to be obligated by the dumb wolf magic to choose me after everything I've put him though.
"It's an interesting phenomenon, that's for sure."
"You're up," Nahuel responds, indicating it's my turn to ask him a question.
"Do you have a partner?"
"No," he answers. "I've had a few relationships with both men and women, but nothing that's stuck long-term."
"Were they vampires?" I ask.
"Yes. There aren't many hybrids, you know, and I don't think a relationship with a human would ever work out unless I planned to change them."
I nod in understanding before gently asking, "Have you ever had a broken heart?"
He's quiet for a moment, contemplative. "Yes, but not from romantic love… My heart will always ache from killing my mother when I was born."
I take in a deep breath as sadness courses through me. Technically, I killed my human mother during my birth, too. How would I feel if my dad and Jacob hadn't worked to keep her heart beating long enough to change her into a vampire?
"You didn't kill your mother, Nahuel. You were just a baby."
"Yeah, a monster baby that clawed my way out of my mother's womb."
I shake my head. "You're being irrationally hard on yourself."
He shrugs and is quiet for a moment. "That's what my nightmares used to be about – killing my mother." He glances at me briefly before continuing. "My dad… Well, he's a piece of shit, in my opinion – preying on human women to get them pregnant for his sick, obsessive hobby of creating more hybrids… I used to have a lot of nightmares about him, too, after meeting him."
We continue walking as I whisper, "What happened when you met him?"
"He wanted me to be like him, essentially. He wanted to experiment to see what would happen if I got a human woman pregnant. I told him to go to hell and never contact me again. He hasn't, but I see my sisters occasionally. One of them is completely estranged from my dad, too. She and her mate just had a child."
Nahuel stops at the base of a huge tree, and I'm grateful because I need a moment to process when he just said since it feels like a blow to my gut. "Your… your hybrid sister had a baby?"
"Yes, my half-sister, Maysun, and her vampire mate, Leo."
"And her pregnancy was… normal? She didn't have any complications?"
He shrugs. "As far as I know. She's perfectly healthy now. I just saw her a month ago. Her baby, my niece, is growing like a weed."
I focus on all the regulation techniques Senna's taught me, forcing myself to stay present and not to get lost in the past grief that's surfacing.
Nahuel must understand my struggle because he starts talking, maybe trying to distract me from my own inner turmoil. "I used to make myself sick with worry, afraid that I would become like my father in some way," he shakes his head. "You know, after I met your family, that's when I became obsessed with cooking. I stopped eating human blood altogether once I knew it was possible. I don't want to be a monster like him." He avoids eye contact with me, looking down like he feels ashamed. It makes my stomach churn that he's being this hard on himself.
"You are nothing like your father," I say to him. I reach for Nahuel's hand and link our fingers together. It's not in a romantic way – just a comforting, friendly gesture. He looks at our hands then finally makes eye contact with me. I search his eyes and try to silently convey the message: I see you. And you're not a monster.
I see him swallow before dropping my hand and turning toward the tree. He jumps up and grabs a high branch before starting to climb. I follow after him. We climb for several minutes in silence until we stop near the top of the tree. We stand together on a large, sturdy branch. Nahuel turns toward the east. The sun is barely starting to peak up over a small mountain range.
Nahuel turns toward me. "Senna pulled me aside before we left. She told me we both can offer each other healing – that we are both looking for connection and companionship with someone that's like the other. She told me I needed to be vulnerable with you. I've never told anyone about my nightmares besides my aunt."
Damn Senna. She couldn't have given me a heads up that Nahuel has been struggling with inner demons, too? I'm not equipped to offer any type of support to someone when I'm broken myself.
I swallow and take in the deepest breath I can before letting it slowly release out my mouth. Before I can chicken out, I say, "She told me the same thing. The worst of my nightmares have stopped after all the work I did with Senna, but I still have them sometimes. The one tonight…" I pause, feeling anxiety course through me.
My heart starts pounding. I tell myself I'm safe and take another breath. "The one tonight was about me… killing someone. A human… I… I wasn't taking care of myself well, and I was lost in my emotions. I was also starving, not that that's an excuse. Anyway, a man was sexually assaulting my human friend, Avery. I stopped him, but I also killed him… I drank his blood, and I lost my friendship with the only friend I ever truly made on my own."
I choke on a sob and look away from Nahuel. Will he still want to be here with me? Is he going to ask me to leave? I take a small step back so I can lean against the trunk of the tree for support. I wipe the tears streaming down my cheeks.
Nahuel takes a step toward me. I peak up at him, and he's looking at me with no judgment, just curiosity and something else… Compassion, maybe.
The anxiety in my stomach begins to settle. That's what Senna said would happen all along, didn't she? Finding the courage to be vulnerable squashes shame.
"How did that result in you losing your friendship with Avery? You saved her, right?"
I sniff. "Yes, but… Well, she found out I wasn't just human and… It completely freaked her out. My dad and grandfather talked to her about not saying anything to anyone, and now my Aunt Alice monitors her to make sure she doesn't say anything to anyone, but she won't speak to me."
Nahuel nods in understanding. "Did you like it? The human blood, I mean."
"Yes. More than anything," I admit. "That scares me because I don't want to kill humans."
"You're part vampire, Nessie. Now who's being too hard on themselves?"
"You don't know my family well enough, I guess," I say with a snort. "But I don't want to be a monster, and… killing a human made me one. I also put Jacob in the middle of defending me or defending the values of his wolf pack. The shapeshifters exist to protect humans from vampires like the one I was in that moment."
"Didn't you get a free pass in that situation? I mean, the world is probably a better place without that bastard going around assaulting people."
I shrug. "It's not my job to determine that. He was still a human being. Maybe he could have changed, but now he'll never have the opportunity for rehabilitation."
Nahuel reaches for my hand this time. "You're not a monster, Nessie."
"And you're not like your father." I tell him again.
"Agree to disagree?" He says with a small smile.
I shake my head. "Why are we so hard on ourselves, but so compassionate to others who make mistakes?"
He shrugs. "Maybe that's how we know we aren't really monsters. Monsters don't feel remorse for their actions like we do."
After those words tumble out of Nahuel's mouth, it's as if something clicks inside me… In this moment, I think I take a step toward forgiving myself.
Because he's right – real monsters don't feel remorse or shame for their mistakes or shortcomings.
I just told Nahuel about one of my biggest regrets, and he didn't run away or look at me pitifully. Instead, he stayed, listened, and didn't condemn me. If he and Senna can accept me despite my mistakes, maybe I can accept myself, too.
We are silent now as we turn back toward the mountains. I can't help noticing how the sunrise is a beautiful metaphor for life: there will always be a new beginning, a fresh start.
The darkness doesn't last forever.
Chapter 12
Notes:
A/N: Thank you all so much for the comments after the last chapter! Now, buckle up because things are about to get intense!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"Sign of the Times" by Harry Styles
Just stop your crying
It's a sign of the times
Welcome to the final show
Hope you're wearing your best clothes
You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky
You look pretty good down here
But you ain't really good
JPOV
HEY! EDWARD! You better be able to hear me screaming through Collin's head, bloodsucker! Some reinforcements would be nice as well as your weird-ass mind reading voodoo! I yell, hoping Edward can hear me through Collin's thoughts since we're both in our wolf form.
Collin's the one stationed near the Cullens' house tonight. Leah assigned him as the messenger in case information needed to be communicated to the vamps about the nomad leeches. Leah howled like a motherfucking banshee a few minutes ago, waking up those of us not on nighttime patrol – Seth, Paul, Embry, and me.
Generally, Embry's the one on nightshift with Leah, while Brady's usually on dayshift with me. But since Leah's order for Quil and Embry to babysit me 24/7, they've been on opposite watches.
I think I'm still slightly drunk if I'm being honest.
It's three in the morning now, but earlier I told Embry I was going to pick something up from the cabin and that I would be meet him back at my dad's place. But, instead, I went to a gas station and downed a shit ton of shooters.
Goddamn it, Jacob, Leah reprimands.
Sorry, Lee, Embry thinks guiltily. He feels responsible for my fuck-up, but he wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt. I hate that he feels at fault for my actions.
Lecture me later, okay? We all need to focus, I retort.
Earlier, Brady caught on to the nomads' stench, and now he's on their tail while Leah, Jared, and Quil trail further behind. Leah's ahead of Jared and Quil since she's so quick, but she's still a good distance away from Brady. Seth, Paul, Embry, and I are all racing to get caught up with everyone. Leah gave orders to drive the nomads deeper into the forest to avoid them from leaping into the water to escape again.
Collin's pouting because Leah ordered him to stay near the Cullens' until we're sure they know what's going on. We need Edward to get close enough to hear the nomads' thoughts to give us more information on who they are and why they're searching for that parasite dagger here.
Brady's still pretty far ahead of the other nightshift wolves, and he's gaining on the nomads. Shit, there's three of them this time. The smell of the third one is different – not quite vampire… It's a hybrid! The scent is similar to Nessie's. The same two vampires as before, but now a hybrid is with them?
Guess it's not the Volturi like the Cullens were theorizing? Seth muses.
Who knows, I answer. At least now we know the hybrid's involvement is why Alice's visions haven't been working. I hope Edward gets close enough to hear what they're thinking before Leah rips into them. It would be nice to understand what the fuck is going on.
Not likely, Leah responds confidently.
My money's on Leah tearing into them first, Quil thinks.
Hey, what about me? Brady whines. I'm the one that found their trail, you jerk-offs.
My money's on you, too, I tell him. Leah's just more viscous than you are.
I take that as a compliment. Thank you, Leah says smugly.
Collin yelps in relief when he sees the Cullens race out of the house. All of them except Edward take off into the trees. Edward stops briefly to talk to Collin. "Collin, please ask Jacob to command the other wolves to stand down from attacking, unless provoked, until we get there. We want the opportunity to talk to the nomads, especially since one of them appears to be a hybrid."
Fuck no! Jared and Paul yell in unison.
Absolutely not! Brady growls.
No, if we get there first, we are striking! Leah says with conviction. We need these bloodsuckers off our land. We have to keep our people safe!
We aren't chancing them getting away! Embry agrees.
Seth chimes in, We should at least give them a chance to explain. Maybe they don't have to die.
Ugh, I hate making these decisions because I see both perspectives. Why would a hybrid be with them? There aren't many hybrids in the world, from my understanding, so what if them being here is related to Nessie in some way? But, on the other hand, what if it's not correlated and we miss an opportunity to strike, letting them get away again?
Shit. I don't know.
We also don't even know how to kill a hybrid. Is it the same as a regular vampire? They have an actual heart with blood running through their veins. It feels wrong to kill something so human…
Fuck. My head is pounding from the looming hangover, but I'm the one that has to call the shots.
If they weren't a threat, they would've come peacefully. If Leah and the others get in range to safely attack, they will regardless of if you're all there yet or not. We can't risk losing them again, that will only mean more human lives lost when they decide to feed, I decide.
Finally, you aren't taking their side for once, Paul snickers.
Shut it, Paul! I snap.
Jake, you do a great job as Alpha. You doubt yourself too much, Seth gently says.
Sure, sure, I respond awkwardly to Seth.
Edward nods once to my reasoning then takes off quickly to catch up to the others. Stay close enough to the Cullens so we know where they are and so Edward can hear what's going on with us, I order Collin. He whines, not wanting to. And do it without the grumbling, please, I add. Collin shuts up.
We are all racing toward the scent as quickly as we can, but Brady is still a great distance ahead of Leah. He can see the bloodsuckers clearly now. His thoughts are steady, strategizing on when to leap toward them to attack.
My stomach drops in anxiety and guilt. If I wasn't such a fuck-up with the drinking, Embry would be in Brady's place. Brady's grown a lot and is an excellent fighter, but Embry's more experienced. I wouldn't worry if it were Embry on the nomads' tail, but Brady? He's just not as seasoned.
Gee thanks, Brady thinks scornfully.
Sorry, I respond, feeling somewhat sheepish. I have full confidence in you, Brady. I'm just worried since you haven't actually been in a fight with a vampire before.
Brady's annoyed with me, so he stays quiet. As he inches closer, I notice the nomads seem to be running slower than normal vampires which is why Brady is gaining on them so quickly. Are they going slower because of the hybrid, or are they trying to trick us somehow? Are they slowing down to turn around and strike? Leah's still too far behind for that...
Brady, back off! I yell hurriedly. Wait until Leah and the others catch up to you.
Brady whines. No way. We aren't losing these parasites again. You're just thinking of me as ignorant!
He's right, Brady. I'm almost caught up to you, so slow the fuck down until I get there, Leah agrees.
Ugh, we are going to lose them again if he lets up, Embry argues.
Yeah, we need to end this, Jared voices.
He's fine, Paul thinks. We can't let them get away again. Stop being a pussy and worrying so goddamn much, Jacob.
Fuck off, Paul, Leah says scathingly, taking offense to his pussy comment. If your pathetic, hardheaded ass came out of a pussy, it must be pretty fucking strong.
God, Leah, Paul responds. You take offense to everything. You're such a damn drama queen.
Everyone shut up! I'm not willing to risk Brady's safety even if that means we lose the nomads again, I explain. And Paul, stop with the degrading comments. Leah's not being dramatic, you're just being an asshole.
Brady continues to race forward as fast as he can, taking advantage of our conversation that created a momentary distraction. It's something I've never been good at – being confident in my Alpha commands. I hate demanding my sister and brothers to do anything; that's why I rarely use my Alpha inflection. I try to listen to their input to ensure I am making the right decisions, but when it comes to safety, I never mess around.
You will follow my order, Brady! My Alpha voice echoes. Back off, but don't lose the trail. Wait for Leah to –
I'm cut off by Brady leaping forward, ignoring my half-said command. I can see through his thoughts now that he was planning this the entire time – ignoring my direction since it wasn't an official Alpha command. That's why he lunged before I said the entire order; he was dodging the unwavering submission that would have inevitably followed.
Damnit, Brady! I yell as he topples over one of the vampires. Leah, this is your chance to prove how fast you are! Get to him, now!
I'm almost there, she responds, as she pushes herself to her limits and races forward at lightning speed. She tries to hide it, but she's anxious for her brother, too. Three against one is not good odds for any of us, but especially not Brady since he's never really been in a fight with a vampire before.
We're right behind her, Quil thinks, referring to Jared and himself.
The Cullens are about as close as Embry, Paul, Seth, and me, judging by Collin's location in the forest.
Brady's on top of the vampire he knocked down. Once Brady has him pinned down, he leans down and sinks his teeth into the bloodsucker's upper arm and rips it off. He throws it as far away from the parasite as possible with a flick of his head. That gives the leech time to wrap his other arm around Brady's leg and squeeze. We all hear the snap of his bone and gasp as Brady whines then scraps his claws across the bloodsucker's face. The other vampire and hybrid have turned around now and are making their way toward Brady.
We're all racing there as fast as we can, but none of us are quick enough. The other vampire hovers over Brady, grabs him, and tosses him across the small clearing. Brady flips in the air and lands on his legs – the three that aren't broken. He prowls back toward them just as Leah breaks through the trees to join him.
Go after the injured one. I'll work on the female parasite and hybrid, Leah orders Brady.
I feel like I finally take a breath now that Leah's there. Quil and Jared are close too.
The hybrid looks scared shitless of Leah. I can tell she's a hybrid because her eyes are dark brown, and her tan skin doesn't look quite as powdery; she appears more human. She backs up slowly with her hands raised.
The other parasite, conversely, looks lethal. Her glossy black hair and beady red eyes are sizing Leah up as they begin a dance of wits. The male leech, also with menacingly bright red eyes and dark black hair, is on his feet and begins a circling game with Brady; his arm is still tossed somewhere in the trees.
The male bloodsucker lunges at Brady, and he's expecting the attack. Brady dodges to the left then sinks his teeth into the bloodsucker's other arm before ripping it off. Brady, again, spits it out by tossing it into the trees. The nomad vampire screams upon losing his second arm. With both arms gone, he's definitely less of a threat.
Leah and the female are still circling each other as Brady plunges forward and tries to sink his teeth into the male's jugular. Brady misses and, instead, the leech almost sinks his teeth into Brady's shoulder. We all collectively gasp, but Brady is able to expertly dodge the attack. If the bloodsucker's venomous teeth pierced Brady's skin, he would've died very quickly.
Quil and Jared are finally there too, thank the fucking heavens. Embry, Paul, Seth, and I are minutes away. Jared joins Brady's fight and Quil is with Leah. Jared and Brady have the male cornered. Jared swoops in and knocks the leech down, giving Brady the perfect chance to sink his teeth into his thigh, ripping his leg away from his body.
Leah and Quil also have the female surrounded, but she seems more strategic than the male. She's sizing them up like an experienced fighter. Her footing is calculated, her eyes are bright, and the smirk on her face is eerie. She waves her arm to the left and Leah goes flying across the small clearing, smacking into a tree.
Shit! What was that? Get up, Lee! Seth whines. Are you okay?
Leah stands up quickly, not seeming to have any substantial injury. I'm fine, Seth, Leah says annoyingly. She must have a weird parasite power.
Telekinesis, anyone? Collin chimes in. He and the Cullens are getting closer.
Leah, act injured, I command. Quil, see if you can back the female vamp closer toward Leah. Leah, attack her from behind when Quil gets her close enough.
Leah immediately falls back down onto the ground and whines, pretending she's in pain. Quil begins his circling dance with the female, inching closer to her so she backs up a little at a time toward Leah. The female waves her arm again and Quil goes flying this time before crashing down on the forest floor.
You good? Embry asks.
Yeah, fuck. Quil responds before standing up and shaking. This bloodsucker is an absolute delight, he comments sarcastically.
I know once the Cullens get there, Bella will be able to shield us, so, hopefully, the nomad's telekinesis juju won't work on us. And Alice or Edward will be able to help take her down quickly if Bella is shielding them. Hear that, Edward? Tell Bella to be ready! I yell, hoping Edward can still hear us through Collin's thoughts.
Jared and Brady are faring better than Quil and Leah. The male leech is now missing all his limbs. Jared sinks his teeth into the male's jugular and rips his head from his body. Jared then leaves Brady to finish ripping him apart while he joins Quil in surrounding the female leech. Leah's still pretending to be injured.
Just as Brady finishes tearing the male apart, he looks up, sensing movement. Coming completely out of nowhere, the hybrid lands on top of him. She must have dropped from a tree.
Shake her off, Brady! Leah, fuck pretending to be hurt. Get to him! I yell desperately. Jared! Quil! Help him!
Leah's on her feet as she races toward them. Jared turns back and lunges toward the hybrid. Quil tries to keep the female vamp distracted.
But it's too late.
The hybrid wraps her arms around Brady – one around his back and the other under and around his neck. She squeezes with all her might. We all hear the lethal cracking sounds of Brady's bones as he gasps then falls lifelessly onto the forest floor, completely unresponsive.
We're all momentarily stunned.
Everything is quiet.
Then the howling and internal screaming starts from my sister and brothers. The combined agony of everyone feels overwhelming.
No.
No.
No.
He's okay. He's going to be okay. He has to be okay.
If he's not okay, I will be completely at rock bottom.
If he's not okay… If he's not okay…
No.
My mind can't go there. The pack's mind can't go there right now. He's fine. He will be fine. Carlisle will tend to him as soon as he gets here.
Refocus, everyone, I order, my Alpha tone ringing; it's here to stay now. No more injuries. Watch each other's backs.
Hear that bloodsucker? I say to Edward, knowing he should be close enough to hear my own thoughts now. Make sure Carlisle takes care of Brady as soon as he gets here. Please. He has to be okay. Please.
Everything becomes a blur as Paul, Seth, Embry, and I all burst into the clearing. Leah already pounced on the hybrid, knocking her off Brady's body, but the half-parasite took off into the trees.
The female bloodsucker waves her arms again, and we all fly backward until each of us connects with a tree or the forest floor. We all land on our feet, no major injuries. In the same moment, I see Collin and the Cullens to my right. Carlisle is already kneeling by Brady, assessing his injuries. I give Bella a questioning glance, and she nods.
Bella's shielding. Finish this female leech off and light the entire place on fucking fire, I command everyone, my Alpha voice ringing. Then help Carlisle with Brady. Do whatever Carlisle says, no lip.
That leaves the hybrid for me.
Jake, I'm coming with you. You might need back up. Leah pipes in, but I can't have anyone else getting injured.
No, Lee. Everyone stays here. Get rid of the last parasite. No one else needs to get hurt. No one is allowed to follow me. Take care of Brady. My voice reverberates in absolute certainty; there's no wiggle room in this command.
Then I'm gone. I race after the hybrid's scent, anxiously following the trail south for god knows how long. Fifteen or so minutes later, the scent finally stops at the base of a tree. She must have climbed again. Shit. I look up, straining my eyes. She's smart, I'll give her that.
I hear a rustling behind me and whirl around to see the half-leech standing a few yards away.
"Sorry, I had to make sure to get you far enough away from the others. I can't have them overhearing my thoughts. Where would the fun be in that?" She smirks.
Okay, this hybrid knows about Edward's ability, apparently.
"I've heard about your little mutt pack," she continues. "I have to admit, I thought you all would be a little more resourceful. That grey and white wolf was easy enough to exterminate back there. I'm guessing the same is true for you."
I growl as emotional pain rips through me. Brady's not dead. Carlisle will save him. He'll be fine.
As if sensing my agony, she laughs. "His death was just the start if your pack keeps getting in the way." She pompously flips her straight, brown hair back behind her shoulder. "Maybe if I involve your sweet little girlfriend, you'll finally know I mean business? What's her name, again? I know it's something weird, poor girl – Renaissance or something like that? I know she's been in South America as of late."
All I see is red as innate, primal fury erupts out of me.
How does she know about Nessie?
How does she know where Nessie is?
Who the fuck is this hybrid!?
I growl then lunge at her, straight toward her throat. She jumps out of my reach and is back in the trees overhead in the blink of an eye. What the hell? How is she that fast?
She's too high for me to get to now. "Stay out of my way the next time I'm in town and we won't have any more problems." She gives me a shit-eating grin then winks. "I'm sure I'll be seeing you very soon, Jacob."
Then, I kid you not… She jumps into the motherfucking air and just disappears.
Fucking disappears.
I blink several times.
What the fuck? How did she just leave like that? I glance around me and make sure she's no where else in the trees. She's not. She's gone. I guess that explains how she appeared out of nowhere when she injured Brady. She must have a supernatural gift for teleporting or some shit. Great.
I need to head back to everyone else. I need to make sure the other parasites have been turned into ash. I need to see what information Edward was able to learn from their thoughts. I need to tell them about my bizarre interaction with this hybrid.
But most importantly, I need to check on Brady and call Ness to make sure she's okay.
Nessie has to come home now. She's not safe by herself after the hybrid's threats. I know she's going to be pissed at me, thinking I'm doubting her ability to care for herself, but I don't give a fuck. This hybrid seems lethal. I also don't want her traveling home alone. That would make her an easy target.
My stomach rolls with anxiety. I feel nauseous. I need to get to my phone at my dad's and call her. I just need to know she's okay. I'll check on everyone first, make sure the nomad vamps are taken care of, make sure Carlisle is tending to Brady, then I'll call Ness, and we'll figure out the safest way for her to get home.
Before I'm able to take off back toward everyone, I hear rustling in the trees behind me again and pick up another vampire stench.
I turn around hastily and immediately relax when I see it's only Bella. I look behind her, waiting to see who else is with her, but she's alone. Edward is close by, though, I'm sure; he wouldn't leave her by herself out here with all the chaos that just transpired.
When I focus on Bella, I start to panic. Her expression is… somber. She's here to tell me something bad; I feel it in my bones. I realize, now, how quiet my mind is. Did everyone shift back? Is everything over? What happened?
"Can you phase back, Jake?" Bella asks quietly.
I look around again, worried there might still be some kind of threat lingering.
Sensing my hesitation, Bella explains. "Both of the nomad vampires are taken care of. Jasper and Emmett did a sweep all around the area and didn't find anyone else."
I nod then run into the trees. I phase back into my human form and pull my shorts on before walking back to Bella. "Okay. What is it, Bells?" I ask her immediately. "What's wrong?"
She swallows, and her forehead crinkles in sorrow. "Esme and Carlisle asked the other wolves to phase back before Carlisle spoke to them so you wouldn't hear the news out here by yourself," she looks around. "Where is the hybrid, by the way?"
"It's a long story, but she got away," I respond quickly. "What's going on, Bella?"
My heart is pounding, my breathing is quick. Part of me already knows what she's about to say, but it can't be true.
It can't be.
Bella takes another step toward me and pauses. "Jake," she says quietly as she puts her hand on my shoulder. "Brady's gone. Carlisle said there was nothing he could do. I'm sorry," she chokes on a dry sob. "I'm so, so sorry, Jake."
No.
No.
NO!
This is all my fault…
This is the final straw.
I can't handle anything else.
This is the tip of my iceberg.
I fall.
And I have no fucking idea if I'll ever resurface.
Chapter 13
Notes:
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"Watch Me While I Bloom" by Hayley Williams
Wanna look inside of me
And just watch me bloom
You only got one side of me
Here's something new, ah
I'm alive in spite of me
And I'm on the move
So come and look inside of me
Watch me while I bloom, ah
If you feel like you're never gonna reach the sky
'Til you pull up your roots, leave your dirt behind
Baby you got a lot of shit to learn
RPOV
"What are you adding now?" I ask as I swing my legs back and forth while sitting on the island in Nahuel's kitchen.
I was helping him make dinner, but he shooed me away when I boiled over the water for the rice… How was I supposed to know that simmering meant turning the heat down on the burner? Nahuel had to start the rice over because half of it boiled over, and the other half was burned and caked onto the pot.
I'm content just watching him cook, anyway. Nahuel is totally in his element in the kitchen. He's making chicken tikka masala, and it smells heavenly.
He turns and glares at me playfully. "I think you need to back away even further from the stove. Just your presence alone is going to burn the food."
I roll my eyes. "I warned you I can't cook!"
He laughs. "I've been trying to teach you for a month now! It's honestly not that difficult; you just follow the instructions."
"It's definitely not that simple." I gripe, frowning.
He rolls his eyes and continues stirring the chicken mixture in the large pan. "I just added heavy cream, so it needs to simmer for a few more minutes, but here," he grabs a clean spoon and dunks it into the pot. He hands the spoon to me, and I greedily pop it into my mouth.
All of Nahuel's cooking is to die for, and this chicken tikka stuff is no different. I've tried so many different dishes over the past month, it's crazy. My clothes have been feeling pretty snug from all the food. I guess that's what happens when you actually eat three meals a day instead of waiting until you're starving to eat anything at all. When I get home, my Aunt Alice will be happy to have an excuse to shop for me.
"Holy shit, this is incredible." I say after swallowing. "No surprise there." I hop off the counter and grab some plates out of the cabinet.
"My aunt told me that my mom was in charge of preparing food for their tribe. Supposedly, her cooking was also incredible."
"Really?" I smile.
"Yeah," he says cheerfully. "I like to think that's at least one trait I inherited from her."
"I think you inherited quite a bit more from her than just that." He shrugs and continues stirring. "Really, Nahuel, it's like you don't see yourself clearly at all."
He cocks his head to the side while smirking at me. "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, Nessie."
I roll my eyes. "You suck."
"Not since I started learning to cook," he winks then snaps his teeth at me playfully. I laugh at his terrible joke.
I set three plates on the dining room table then walk back into the kitchen to get some silverware. Nahuel is fluffing the rice he had to re-cook as I go back to put the forks on the table.
Nahuel's half-sister, Maysun, her partner, Leo, and their baby, Willow, are on their way over. They're going to stay here with Nahuel and Hulien for the weekend. I moved my stuff into the living room to crash on the couch so they can have the guest bedroom.
Only three of us will be eating – Nahuel, Maysun, and me – since Hulien and Leo are full vampires and Willow's diet consists of only blood too. Nahuel warned me yesterday about Willow's diet so I could be prepared.
Nahuel also filled me in more on his relationships with his half-siblings. His oldest half-sister, Serena, was born first. She is unfalteringly loyal to Joham, Nahuel's father. Nahuel doesn't have much communication with Serena because of her loyalties. Maysun, the second born sibling, has been estranged from Joham for years now which is why Nahuel has a closer relationship to her. Nahuel was born after Maysun, and his youngest half-sister, Jennifer, was born after him. Jennifer was primarily raised by Serena, so Nahuel believes Jennifer is also unconditionally devoted to Joham, but he's never met her.
When I walk back into the kitchen, Nahuel looks at me, his eyes soft. "Are you feeling okay about meeting my sister and her family?"
I shrug noncommittally, avert my gaze, and try to hide my anxiety. "Yeah, of course. It'll be fine."
"Hey," Nahuel reaches for my hand and squeezes it. I look up at him. "No lies."
I give him a tight smile. "No lies."
Saying, "no lies" when we think the other person is holding back their feelings has become our thing since playing that game of questions where neither of us could dodge the answer.
"Fine," I sigh, conceding. "I am feeling a little nervous."
I drop his hand and nervously reach for a cup in the cabinet behind him. I need to fidget because the conversation is feeling a little too intense already. I walk to the sink and fill up the cup before taking a long sip.
"You get squeamish every time my sister's family is brought up." I shrug and take another gulp of water. "You know you don't have to explain, but if you want to, I'm here."
"Thanks," I give him a small smile. "I just can't open up that can of worms right now. Once it opens, I'm afraid I won't be able to get the lid back on."
"I get it," he nods. "Just know that you can excuse yourself at any point tonight if you need to."
I bump his shoulder lightheartedly. "God, aren't you sick of me yet? It must get exhausting having a train wreck for a friend."
He turns back to the stove. "Once I get a train wrecked friend, I'll let you know."
I laugh. "Thanks."
Nahuel and I have become pretty close over the last month. Words can't even begin to describe how it feels to fit in with someone. My entire life, I've felt in the middle of the vampire world, werewolf world, and human world.
With humans, of course I have to be cautious and not let my vampire side show. With my werewolf family, I also try hard not to let my vampire part out to avoid them being weird with me. And with my vampire family, I feel like they don't fully understand I still have human needs, too.
But with Nahuel, I'm just Nessie, and that's enough. I don't have to worry about watching what I say or do. I don't have to pretend in anyway because we are the same.
Something clicks inside me after my last thought – why am I trying to be different versions of myself depending on who I'm around? I hadn't even realized that's what I was doing until now. I'm the one who's put myself in the middle because I'm afraid of being judged for who I really am…
Of course, I have to still hide that I'm half vampire from the human world, but I decide, in this moment, that I will no longer pretend around my families. I am just going to be Nessie with them, too, and if that bothers them… Well, that says more about them than it does me, right?
Is this part of what Senna knew I would learn by being here with Nahuel? Probably. Senna is, easily, the most gifted vampire I've ever encountered. I mean, think about it – you can be the most powerful vampire in the world, but if your emotions aren't in-check, you won't be able to adequately utilize your powers.
Nahuel finishes preparing dinner, and I help him place everything on the table. Hulien gets home, presumably from just having her own dinner, and sits down at the table with us. It's funny how civilized Nahuel and Hulien are; they, actually, remind me a lot of my vampire family because of how human they tend to act.
I've been thinking about my vampire family a lot more the past week. I miss them all. I miss listening to my dad play the piano. I miss talking about books with my mom. I miss my Aunt Rose braiding my hair. I miss my Grandma Esme's hugs. I miss training with my uncles.
I miss my werewolf family, too. I miss Seth's kindheartedness. I miss Quil's jokes. I miss telling Paul to shove it when he says something stupid. I miss Leah's no-nonsense confidence. I miss Emily's maternal presence.
And Jacob… God, I miss everything about him. I miss our banter. I miss his wit. I miss sitting in his garage at his dad's. I miss walking with him on the beach. I miss him knowing what I'm thinking with just a glance. I miss his body being tangled in my own – the hardness of him pressing into the softness of me. Every cell in my body aches for him.
I've been away from home for almost three months now.
Part of me is ready to go home, but there's something lingering that stops me every time I entertain the idea. I'm just not entirely sure what's stopping me.
There's a knock on the door that Hulien races to answer. Maysun, Leo, and Willow are ushered inside. They place their things in the guest room then saunter over to the dining room where Nahuel introduces all of us.
We get situated at the table then Nahuel, Maysun, and I all fill our plates with food before digging in. Nahuel is holding a giggling Willow in his lap; he keeps bouncing his knee in between taking bites of his food to keep her giggling.
"She adores you," Maysun says to Nahuel, admiring how good he is with his niece. I wasn't sure what to expect from Willow with her being three fourths vampire and only a fourth human. I worried she would be like the immortal children I've heard horror stories about, but she's not. Her development appears to be like that of a hybrid. She's only two months old, but she already seems like a two-year-old and, cognitively, she's advanced far beyond that.
"I suppose I adore her, too," Nahuel responds to his sister before planting a kiss on Willow's head. Willow wiggles in his arms as she turns to stand up on his lap. She kisses Nahuel's check and smiles at him. Everyone coos at the cuteness.
Everyone except me, that is.
My heart aches.
I take a deep breath and push the feelings aside. I focus on eating. I focus on the textures and taste of the food, practicing the mindfulness I learned from Senna.
"Okay, my turn," Hulien says as she opens her arms and scoots back in her chair. Willow jumps across the table and lands in Hulien's lap. Hulien laughs and snuggles Willow against her chest.
"As far as babies go, Willow's the best." Leo comments adoringly as he watches his daughter.
"She really is, huh?" Maysun looks up at Leo. Leo turns to her, smiles, and sweetly kisses her.
I have to look away; it's almost too much to watch. Leo and Maysun have the life I desperately wanted with Jacob. They have everything. Everything I can't have. Everything I can't give to Jake. Everything my heart desperately desires but can't have.
I'm starting to lose myself. I reach for my water glass and take a long gulp. I focus on my breath. I dig my fingernails into my leg under the table, trying to ground myself, trying to stay present, trying not to cause a scene by fleeing out of here.
Nahuel glances at me, and I meet his gaze for a brief moment. He squeezes my knee under the table. He must see that I'm about to drown, so he abruptly changes the subject. "So, have you heard from dear old dad lately?" He asks Maysun sarcastically.
Willow jumps from Hulien's lap back into her father's. "Nope. Although, I did talk to Serena a few days ago," Maysun responds, referring to her oldest half-sister.
"Oh yeah?" Nahuel responds before scooping up a piece of chicken on his plate.
"Mhmm. Apparently, she's helping Joham in his latest quest for almighty power," Maysun rolls her eyes. "They're trying to locate a sword of some sort. A random vampire that used to be part of the Volturi's guard told Joham about it. Apparently, the sword can kill a vampire as soon as it pierces their skin. Joham thinks hybrids will be immune to it."
"More experimenting, I take it?" Nahuel asks.
"I guess," Maysun responds before popping a spoonful of rice into her mouth.
"I highly doubt any type of sword could pierce a vampire or hybrid's skin." Hulien comments.
"That's what I thought, but this sword is different, according to Serena," Maysun explains. "It's made from the bones and teeth of the Children of the Moon's Alpha. One of the Volturi had it made ages ago upon exterminating them all."
This conversation is definitely the distraction I needed. "The Volturi don't have the sword anymore?" I question.
Leo answers this time, "Serena said it's been missing for decades. Supposedly, the sword's been cursed to flock to the most powerful vampire in existence."
"So," Maysun continues. "Of course, that's why Joham wants it. And that means Serena is helping him locate it."
I blink, trying to make sense of this bizarre information. The Volturi had a sword made from the Children of the Moon's Alpha, and this sword was bewitched to belong to whoever's deemed the most powerful vampire in existence? And, because the sword is made of the teeth and bones from a Child of the Moon, it can kill a vampire instantly once it penetrates their skin? But Joham thinks the sword won't work on hybrids…
What the actual fuck?
I laugh because it all sounds so absurd. "And just where do they think they're going to find this mystical sword?" I ask.
"Who knows," Maysun replies. "It all sounds completely asinine to me. Serena said the sword is engraved. One side of the sword says, 'wield with humility,' and the other side says, 'nullify with your life.'"
"Bizarre," Nahuel shakes his head. "Why did Serena tell you about all this, anyway?"
"She wanted Leo and me to assist her."
"What!" Nahuel yells then bangs his fist on the table. Willow jumps and turns her little head to stare at her uncle with wide eyes. Leo snuggles Willow soothingly.
"Nahuel," Hulien says in warning while glancing at Willow.
"Chill, little brother," Maysun chuckles once. "Of course, I told her no and not to ask me about it again. I'm not sure why she would need our assistance anyway. She's perfectly capable of finding this magical sword on her own."
Nahuel sighs in relief before reaching across the table to lightly stroke Willow's cheek. "Sorry I scared you." She smiles at him.
"Is she a tracker or something?" I ask.
"No," Nahuel answers. "She can teleport."
I stare at him. "What?"
"She can go from one area to another instantly. There are some limitations to it, though. She can't teleport across huge distances, and she can't teleport directly into buildings or residences – only open spaces, basically."
"So, she's perfectly capable of searching for the damn sword by herself." Leo concludes.
"And I'm sure Jennifer's helping, too," Maysun says, referring to her youngest half-sister.
"What a fun little family we have, huh?" Nahuel comments sarcastically.
"Oh, the absolute best," Maysun retorts, matching her brother's sarcastic tone.
We all finish eating, and I help Nahuel clean everything up. When we come back into the dining room, Willow yawns before climbing over into Maysun's lap. Maysun kisses and cradles the baby into her and gently begins to rock her. Leo slings his arm around Maysun's shoulders and kisses her head. Willow sighs before closing her eyes and snuggling further into her mother's warmth.
It's nearly impossible for me to stay present at the sight of them…
My chest starts to feel tight, and my heart is pounding in my ears. My palms are sweaty, and I feel like I can't catch my breath.
I try my grounding techniques, but they're just not cutting it. I can't focus on my breathing because my chest feels like it's closing in.
Fuck, I'm starting to panic.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.
I need to get out of here.
I need to get ahold of myself.
I quickly touch Nahuel's hand to communicate with him. I show him a little of my panic before saying, I'm sorry. I have to get some air. I'll be back in a little bit.
I tell everyone I'm going for a walk then I bolt out of the house.
I feel a little guilty, not hanging out with everyone. Hopefully they don't think I'm being rude. Eh, fuck what anyone else thinks. I have to do what I need for me, right? And what I need right now is to run.
So, that's what I do – I run and run and run and focus only on the wind whipping through my hair, the trees flying past me, and the feel of my feet against the forest floor.
Before I even know where I'm going, I end up at the tree Nahuel and I always climb. I find the familiar branches and swing myself up. I climb and climb until I'm near the top. I sit on a sturdy branch and stare off into the distance.
Then I let myself scream.
I scream and scream and scream and scream.
I scream until tears are streaming down my face.
I scream until my voice turns raw.
I scream until I feel some of the inner demons leave.
Then I slump against the tree trunk and angrily cry.
That's when I realize what's still stopping me from going home.
It's this pain.
But I thought I was healing, I thought I was doing better…
I finally started to forgive and love myself again. I opened up to Senna. I started letting Nahuel in. I started accepting who I am, mistakes and all…
So, how do I move through this? How do I move forward? How do I let myself even think of what caused this pain? I've only been able to once with Senna…
What do I need!?
Jacob, a small voice inside me answers.
It's Jacob.
Of course, it's Jacob.
I know Jacob has the same agony, and it used to be overwhelming to think about both of us feeling this same way. I couldn't handle the mutual anguish before.
But I know how to manage my grief now, thanks to Senna. I was constantly drowning before, but now the grief only creeps up occasionally. The idea of Jacob hurting, too, isn't as overwhelming as it once was.
This pain is so wrapped up in him, too, that of course I need him to continue moving forward.
We need each other to heal.
That's what Senna identified, right? She said I needed to let go of my shame and feel confident in who I am. I've done that here with Nahuel. The next step is facing the music and going home to heal things with Jake.
Okay, that's it.
I'm going home.
I wipe my eyes. I'm ready. I know I am. I'm so much stronger and confident in who I am now.
Tomorrow I'll tell Nahuel I'm leaving and –
I'm brought back to reality by the sound of my phone ringing. Who would have thought I'd have a signal out here? I reach into my pocket and pull my phone out.
It's my mom. I ignore the call and set my phone down on the branch. I'll call her back in a little bit. I use the sleeve of my shirt to wipe my eyes and nose.
My phone chirps again. A message from my mom pops up: Honey, I need you to call me or your dad right away. I don't want to worry you, but it's urgent.
My phone rings, and it's my mom again. I sniff and clear my throat before answering. "Hi, mama."
"Renesmee?" Her voice is panicked. "Oh, honey, are you alright?"
The tone of her voice puts me on high alert. "I'm fine. What's wrong?"
"Where are you?" She demands.
"I'm still with Nahuel and Hulien, just outside Chile. Why?"
I hear her exhale, like she's relieved. "Sweetie, you need to come home. I know you may not want to yet, but…" Her voice cracks, like she's trying not to cry. I didn't even know a vampire's voice could crack.
Now, I'm really freaking out. Something is wrong. Really, really wrong. "Mom, what is it? Where's dad? Is he okay?"
"Your dad is fine. Oh, honey…" she trails off again for a second. "There was a fight this morning. I think your dad told you about the nomad vampires that were in the area recently?"
A panic I didn't even know was possible floods through me. My blood runs cold. I'm instantly nauseous. My heart is pounding so loudly, I can barely hear anything else. I suck in a breath before yelling into the phone, "Where's Jacob!? Is he okay!?"
"Jacob's fine!" My mom answers quickly. "Physically, at least. He –"
I cut her off. "What does that mean? Where is he? Just tell me what's going on, mama, please!" I yell desperately.
"Renesmee, honey… Brady died in a fight with the nomad vampires early this morning. No one else is significantly injured. But Jacob's not okay emotionally, honey. He's… Well, he's just not okay. I've never seen him like this before."
For a moment, I'm in shock, and the only thought I have is, no...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Then my nervous system kicks into high gear.
Brady's gone.
Jacob needs me.
There's absolutely no way he's okay right now.
I have to get home as soon as possible.
"I'm coming home right now." I say quickly. I stand up and jump out of the tree. What's faster? Running toward the airport or running into town to get a taxi? I'll just have Nahuel mail my stuff home… Shit. No, that won't work. I have to go back to Nahuel's house because I don't have my wallet or passport.
"There's more, honey," my mom says once I land on the ground. "We don't think you should travel alone… It's a long story, but some threats were made against you. Your dad and uncles want to come get you."
I roll my eyes. "No. I won't get back for days if I wait for them, mom. I'm going straight to the airport after I get my wallet and passport."
"No," I hear my dad growl in the background.
I take off running back toward Nahuel's house at lightning speed. "I'll be home as soon as I can." Then I end the call, not wanting to waste time discussing my travel plans with my overprotective father.
While I run, I dial Jacob's number. It rings and rings before going to voicemail. I try two more times then resort to sending him a text message when he doesn't answer: I'm coming home, Jake. I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm so sorry. I love you.
Then I shove my phone into my pocket and run as fast as I can.
Chapter 14
Notes:
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"Renegade" by Big Red Machine feat. Taylor Swift
I tapped on your window on your darkest night
The shape of you was jagged and weak
There was nowhere for me to stay, but I stayed anyway
And if I would've known how many pieces you had crumbled into
I might have let them lay
RPOV
It takes me a day and a half to get home.
36 fucking hours, three different flights on three different airlines.
I'm exhausted, but that doesn't matter. I'm starving, but that doesn't matter either.
When I finally land in Seattle at 8:00 p.m., I run off the plane with my small backpack and rush through the airport as quickly as possible – maybe a little too fast for a "human," but I'm past the point of caring.
I didn't waste any time packing my things when I got back to Nahuel's house after my mom's phone call. I just threw a few necessities in my backpack and rushed into the city to get a cab to the airport since Nahuel said that was the fastest option. He promised to send the rest of my things to me.
As soon as I'm off the escalator that leads to baggage claim, I see my vampire family waiting.
All of them.
They're all here – my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles…
When my first flight landed in Panama City, my mom called me and said they would pick me up at the airport, but I thought she meant they as in she and my dad not everyone.
Tears cloud my vision, and I choke on a sob as I run forward and collapse in the first arms that find me – my mom's. She holds me tightly as she strokes my hair. She smells like safety and comfort and love.
"Oh, Renesmee," she says through a dry sob. "Oh, honey. You're home, baby. You're home." When I pull away from her, she cups my face, wipes my tears with her thumbs, and kisses my forehead.
The next arms that find me are my dad's. I start crying again as he holds me, his embrace feeling like safety and protection, like I can completely fall apart, and he will be there to catch all the pieces to stitch me back together.
"Yes," he mutters, commenting on my thoughts before kissing the top of my head. "I will always catch you, love. Always."
My Grandma Esme's next, followed by my grandpa, Aunt Rose, and Aunt Alice. My Uncle Emmett picks me up and spins me in circle, his booming laugh filling the airport. Even my Uncle Jasper, who's never really been the touchy-feely type, pulls me into a quick embrace. There's so much love surrounding me, I feel a little overwhelmed and taken aback.
Jacob's not here, so I can't help but feel a twinge of emptiness jolt through me even though I knew he wouldn't be.
When I asked about Jake during one of my layovers, my mom said he was okay, but that he was catatonic – in a state of complete dissociation.
I just want to get to him. Now. I need to be with him.
After the reunion theatrics, my dad, probably noticing my distressed thoughts, guides us all toward the parking garage. We pile into two cars. I ride with my parents and grandparents. My aunts and uncles ride in my Uncle Emmett's Jeep.
Get us home as quickly as possibly, dad. Please. I say to him silently. Drop me off wherever Jake is.
He makes eye contact with me in the rear-view mirror and nods as he peels out of the parking spot and guns it toward the exit of the parking garage.
As if sensing my tension, my Grandma Esme, who's sitting to my left, wraps her arm around my shoulders soothingly. My grandpa is sitting in the front, and my mom is next to me, her hand resting on my leg.
We have a three-hour drive ahead of us. Maybe two-ish hours, actually, with how my dad drives. I'm exhausted, but I don't think I'll be able to relax until I see Jake. Regardless, I lean into my grandma and rest my head on her shoulder. She strokes my hair, so I close my eyes. We are all silent, which isn't uncommon with vampires.
There's so much we need to talk about, and I have so many questions about what exactly happened with Brady, but I can't muster up the energy to start a conversation about anything significant. My thoughts are so wrapped up in just getting to Jake.
So, instead, I practice my mindfulness and only focus on my grandma's hand gently stroking my head. I focus on her comforting scent. I focus on my breathing. Soon enough, without even meaning to, I'm not concentrating on anything at all as sleep overtakes me.
. . . . . . . .
"Renesmee," I groggily hear my mom's voice. She's gently shaking my arm. "Wake up, honey. We're almost there."
Adrenaline courses through me. I sit up quickly. My grandma squeezes my shoulder then removes her arm from around me. "Where's Jacob staying?"
"He is deep in the forest outside of La Push," my dad answers. "I will park on the side of the road in just a moment, and your mother and I will take you to him."
"He's in the forest?"
"He hasn't left since the fight. He ordered all the wolves to stay in their human form and leave him alone then he took off into the woods before…" My mom trails off.
"Before what?" I ask anxiously.
"Before he went into a catatonic state," my grandfather answers. "Dissociation happens when someone's brain can't handle the stress or trauma that's occurring. I think Brady's death was the final straw for Jacob. His brain shut down, essentially, and now he's merely in survival mode."
My chest feels tight, and I instantly feel nauseous. "So, he's… what? Just lying in the middle of the forest alone? No one's tried to get him to go home!?" I demand.
"He won't let anyone get near him, Nessie." My dad answers as he pulls off on the side of the road. "Your mother, Carlisle, and I keep checking on him, but that makes him even more agitated. The wolves can't go against his Alpha order to check on him. He's staying in his wolf form incase the hybrid vampire – the one that killed Brady – comes back. He wants vengeance and is fearful of anyone else in the pack getting hurt, hence his order for them to remain in their human form. We've been surveilling the area, of course," he says, referring to my vampire family. "We wouldn't leave him to fight the hybrid alone if she returned."
Oh, Jake…
I swallow hard. What have I done? If I didn't leave, would Jake be this torn up? He's dealing with so much loss on his own that of course he's in this checked-out state.
And it was a hybrid that killed Brady? Then the hybrid got away? That's odd. There's so many missing details.
As soon as the car's in park, my mom opens her door, and I slide out right behind her. I tell my grandparents bye since they're waiting in the car then I take off running into the forest with my parents.
"There is a lot to discuss, but none of this is your fault, Renesmee." My dad says as we run.
My mom reaches to hold my hand. "Don't you dare blame yourself for any of this."
I shrug. "Just get me to Jake without the commentary, please."
We run in silence for at least twenty minutes. My dad says he can hear Jacob's thoughts as we slow to a walk. "He's just through those trees," he stops and says with a nod of his head.
"We'll let the two of you talk, honey. Please come by the cottage sometime tomorrow so we can talk about everything." She leans forward and kisses my forehead. "I missed you so much, Renesmee."
"I missed you too, mama. I'll see you tomorrow." I respond before my mom grabs my dad's hand. They escape back in the direction of their car.
I take a deep breath as I turn on my heels and quickly make my way through the trees.
When I see him, it's as if my heart mends and breaks all at the same time.
My heart mends because I'm here with him. But my heart breaks because of how he appears. What version of Jacob am I coming home to?
He's in his wolf form, lying lifelessly on the forest floor. His fur is covered in mud and leaves and appears damp from the rain. I would worry he was injured or dead if it weren't for his chest rising and falling with his breath.
I'm only several yards away from him, so I know he can smell and hear me, but he hasn't moved.
Maybe he's asleep.
Or maybe he's in that catatonic state like my grandfather was explaining earlier.
My heart starts pounding as I continue to walk slowly toward him. As I get closer, I can see that his eyes are closed. His breathing is also steady, so he must be asleep.
I want to wake him up terribly. I want him to shift back into his human form so I can wrap my arms around him, snuggle into his warmth, re-memorize his scent, and press my lips to his.
But I'm sure he needs to rest. I can only assume he hasn't slept much in the last two days. So, I'll prop myself against the tree next to him and wait for him to wake up. I'll wait as long as it takes to –
I shriek when I'm instantly pined against the ground. Reflexively, I jam my knee up in defense since my arms are locked down against the forest floor. A loud, menacing growl escapes from Jacob's mouth as my knee makes contact with his stomach.
"Sorry, sorry," I say quickly, not meaning to injure him.
He growls at me again, his expression lethal. His front paws are pressing my shoulders down. He hastily shifts so his back legs are holding my shins down before he hunches forward. His head is only inches from mine.
I know deep down Jacob would never hurt me, but the way he's holding me down, and the look in his eyes… It feels overwhelming. And, quite frankly, I am a little freaked out. What's going on? What is he doing?
"Jake," I whisper. "It's me. I'm here." I desperately wish I could reach up and touch him. I wiggle my arms, trying to get it free, but he's holding them down too tightly.
He just continues to stare at me with that terrifying look in his eyes. I try again, "Jacob, please…" My voice is thick with emotion.
His eyes finally soften, but he still doesn't move. That familiar vibrating sensation in my chest is thrumming away, livelier than ever. The buzzing is aching for me to use it to defend myself, to force Jacob to get off of me. But I'm not going to use my power on him unless I have no other option; it feels like such an invasion of privacy to listen to someone's inner world without their consent.
I feel tears prick my eyelashes. It's incredibly overwhelming to see Jacob like this. Is he angry at me, is that why he's pinning me down? Is he even cognitively present right now? Does he know what he's doing? The look in his eyes is crazed and desperate, like he doesn't truly believe I'm here…
A desperate sob rips through my chest. "Jake, you know it's me, right? I'm really here. I'm…" My voice cracks. My cheeks are wet with tears. I close my eyes and shake my head. This is all too much.
I open my eyes when I feel the weight lift from one of my shoulders. Jacob brings his paw near my face causing me to gasp, involuntarily flinch, and turn my face to the side protectively.
Jacob whines. When I open my eyes and slowly turn my face back, I see pain written all over his features.
I really, really don't believe Jacob would ever hurt me, but he's just so manic right now, and my reaction was automatic. I swallow then reach up with my free hand to run my fingers through the fur on his cheek. "I'm sorry. You just scared me for a second. I wasn't sure you were in there."
He closes his eyes for a moment and leans into my touch. I feel his muscles unclench. When he opens his eyes, he slowly lifts his paw again. He pauses this time, his eyebrows raising in question. I nod at him. The back of his paw gently touches my cheek, wiping my tears. He does the same thing on my other cheek.
Then he moves his legs so he's no longer pinning me down but is still towering over me. He hunches down so his face is only inches from mine. My breath catches, and my heart starts racing. This time, though, it's because of how close he is to me, not because I'm afraid.
A whimper escapes his mouth as he stares at me intently. He seems like he's trying to communicate something with me. "What is it, Jake? Can you shift back?"
He shakes his head then leans forward slowly and buries his nose in my neck. He sniffs from my ear, down toward my chest, along my collarbones, and up the other side of my neck. He pauses, lifts his head, and stares at me again. He places his front paw in the center of my chest and slightly applies pressure. I try to understand what he wants as he stares at me, waiting.
"You want me to stay lying down?" I guess. He nods and moves his paw. "Okay. I won't move."
He nods again then shifts his body. He's still hovering over me, but now he's sniffing down my arm. He sniffs back up, across my chest, and down my other arm.
Jacob once told me how heightened his sense of smell is in his wolf form. He explained how he can pick up on all sorts of things – where someone has been, who they've been around, what they're feeling, if they're healthy or injured…
He said he was most attuned to my scent as his imprint, and that it's incredibly soothing to him. So, I assume he's sniffing me right now to appease whatever innate need the wolf part of him has.
He slowly sniffs in between my breasts and down to my stomach. And, holy shit, this feels almost more intimate than if I were laying here naked.
I sharply inhale at the sensation of his mouth being so close to these sensitive parts of my body. Heat rushes through me, pooling and tingling in my core. I feel myself blush, wondering if Jacob can smell the effect he has on my body from just sniffing me. God, I'm pathetic.
He slowly begins to sniff down one of my legs then trails up the other. My heart is pounding more, as he inches closer up my thigh. I try telling my body to knock it off because now is definitely not the time to be insanely aroused by this huge werewolf.
But it's absolutely no use. Jacob has always had an intoxicating quality that my body undeniably craves.
He pauses at the apex of my thighs, sniffing the most sensitive, intimate part of me. I blush further and stop myself from spreading my legs. I momentarily wonder what it would be like to be intimate with Jacob while he's in his wolf form… Is such a thing possible? I mean, actual sex would be weird, but other things…
Jeez, what's wrong with me?
Now is not the time to think about these things, I scold myself.
He slowly tracks up my body, stopping when his face is inches away from mine. He hunches down so some of his body weight presses into me. The sensation of being this connected with him makes my breath catch.
I reach up and hold his face between my hands. He doesn't look crazed any longer. Instead, he just looks like werewolf Jacob again.
My Jacob.
Emotion wells up inside of me.
Jacob leans down, his wet nose touching my throat again. He presses small licks, what he calls wolf kisses, all down my neck – the tip of his tongue just barely flicking at my skin. He kisses back up my neck on the other side then pauses again, looking at me.
His mouth slowly inches toward mine. Anticipation runs through my veins before the tip of his tongue touches the corner of my mouth and slowly traces along my upper lip… Then back along my bottom lip.
Holy fuck.
It might sound incredibly weird to have your lips lightly licked by a wolf, but I don't know if I've ever been more turned on in my life. Jacob has never "kissed" me this way in his wolf form – he's only ever planted little licks on my neck or cheek.
My body is aching for him as he traces my lips once more. My breasts feel fuller, my underwear feels soaked and uncomfortable.
He lifts his head to look at me, so I clench my fingers in his fur and pull his face closer to mine. He starts tracing my lips with his tongue again. I part my lips this time and slowly connect my tongue with his. My eyes close, a low growl escapes from deep in his throat, and our tongues move slowly together, exploring what it's like to kiss in this new, exciting way.
When he kisses down my neck again, I tighten my fingers in his fur. "Jake…" I sigh. "Oh, god, Jake… I've missed you so much."
He whines, pulls away, and, as if he remembers or realizes something, stops kissing me and steps over my body. He walks a few yards away from me and collapses back down onto the damp forest floor. Confused as to why he abruptly stopped, I shuffle to sit up and catch my breath. His head is resting on his stacked paws, his eyes closed.
I slowly make my way back over to him. His eyes stay closed, and I notice the large tears that are now streaming down his face. Something inside of me cracks at the sight of Jacob lying hopelessly on the forest floor while he sobs.
I did this to him. This is entirely my fault.
When he doesn't object to my proximity, I lie down and curl my body up next to his, so we are face-to-face. I stroke my fingers through his fur, causing him to let out a small whimper. I run my fingers through every inch of his fur I can reach while snuggling into him. Then I kiss his muzzle, his cheeks, his head.
"I'm sorry, Jake… I'm so, so… Sorry." I choke out in-between my own sobs. "I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry about Brady… I'm sorry about killing that human… I'm sorry about… About…" I trail off, not being able to spit the rest of the words out.
He nudges my temple, so I lift my head. He licks at my cheeks, kissing away the tears. "This is all my fault." He whimpers and shakes his head. I swallow and look up at him before whispering, "It is… I… None of this would have happened if my body just worked right."
He whines then lifts his paw gently to my lips, as if wanting me to stop talking. Then he shifts his body toward me. He rests his head on top of mine, and I bury my face into his neck. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" I chant.
Jacob makes a sound that sounds like "shh," so I stop talking and just focus on letting myself cry.
Maybe there's nothing either of us can do or say right now. Maybe we both just need to cry and hold each other. Maybe we just need to take solace in each other.
I cling to him, and as I do, I finally allow my mind to think of the memories I've been trying to stifle for so long. The ones I've been afraid would drown me. The ones I only feel safe enough to think about while I am lying here, tangled up in Jacob's body, because he is the anchor that will help me come back from the drowning if it starts to happen…
. . . . . . . .
20 Months Ago
My eyes shot open as pain rippled through my abdomen. I clutched my stomach instinctively.
Something was wrong. Really wrong. My abdomen, pelvis, and low back were cramping, like menstrual cramps, but the pain was much, much worse.
The baby.
Something was wrong with my baby.
"Jacob!" I screamed in a panic as I pulled the covers down, reached over, and violently shook him. I felt hot tears fill my eyes from the pain and apprehension.
"Nessie? Ness, what is it?" He asked groggily as I felt the bed immediately rustle next to me before the bedside lamp switched on.
I think he saw the horror in my eyes before glancing down and noticing my hands desperately holding my barely bulging stomach. His eyes widened in terror. I peeked down and noticed the cause of his dismay.
The bed sheets were soaked with my blood.
Way too much blood.
"Renesmee!" Jacob shrieked unnervingly, as he scrambled out of bed and frantically pulled on a pair of pajama pants over his boxers. "I'm gonna take you to Carlisle. It's going to be okay. Don't move. I'll get you."
I started hyperventilating as panic fully overtook my body, and I forgot how to breathe. Just this morning, Jacob and I were caressing my stomach, cooing over the tiny little fluttering from our perfect little baby. What was happening now? How did that moment change so quickly into this one?
Jacob grabbed a blanket that was slung over the footboard, wrapped me in it messily then gingerly slid his arms under my shoulders and knees. He pulled me up into his chest then darted toward the front door. He shifted me so he could grab his car keys and open the front door.
His lips were in my hair as he scurried to the car. "It's okay, baby. Everything's going to be okay. I got you. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
I hadn't realized how loudly I was sobbing until he spoke. But I think he misunderstood my hysterics. I didn't care much about myself in that moment.
I just needed our baby to be okay. The little peanut inside of me that just started fluttering, that I imagined having Jacob's beautiful dark, golden skin and gorgeously thick hair, maybe my brown eyes…
No. This can't be happening, I remembered thinking.
Jacob opened the passenger door, reclined the seat, and carefully laid me down. He zipped around and flung himself into the driver's seat before starting the car and racing toward my family's main house. He reached over and put his hand on top of mine as I desperately clung to my belly.
"I…" I choked out. "I can't lose our baby, Jake… What if something's really wrong? What if…" I couldn't finish my sentence. I couldn't even let my mind go to the dark place that would require finishing that thought. My baby was going to be okay; he or she had to be. I started sobbing even more.
"Ness, it's gonna be okay," Jacob said unconvincingly as he briefly glanced at me before focusing back on the road. His voice was thick with anxiety. He moved his hand up to cup my face. He used his thumb to wipe away the tears on my cheek. "Carlisle will figure it out."
I sniffed and tried to focus on the trees that were whirling past us as Jacob drove at a rapid speed. Please, I silently begged, please, please, please just let my baby be okay.
The cramping began feeling more intense all of a sudden. "Ah!" I groaned as I hunched forward, trying to alleviate the pain.
"We're almost there, Ness. Hold on, baby," Jacob said desperately as his fingers ran through my hair. He was trying to soothe me, but nothing was going to relax me until I knew our baby was safe.
As he made the turn that would soon lead us to the driveway, I was beginning to hear the chaos going on inside the house since we were close enough for my dad to hear our thoughts.
"Jaz, Alice, Em, Esme, Rose – get out of here! It's a lot of blood!" I heard my dad yell.
"Are they almost here!?" My mom shrieked.
"Yes," my dad answered. "Carlisle, do you have everything set up in your office?"
My grandfather answered quickly and calmly, "Yes, just getting a few more things in place. Bring her right up."
Jacob parked right near the front door. He got out and ran around the car. He pulled my door open and scooped me back up into his arms. My mom and dad were immediately beside us as Jacob sprinted toward the house.
"Mama," I reached out to her.
"I'm right here, sweetie," she said as she squeezed her cold fingers around my hand.
I showed her the first image I had of her, right after I was born. Then I showed her a faint, fuzzy memory I had of listening to her voice in utero – how we were so connected, and how we loved each other so much. Then I showed her the last ten minutes of me waking up in pain and Jacob noticing all the blood.
Don't let me lose my baby, mama, I thought.
Her hand tightened around mine. "Oh, honey," she said. I could hear the anguish in her voice. She knew the pain I was feeling because I just showed it to her, but she also knew it from personal experience. She was afraid of losing me all those years ago, so she could easily empathize with me now. "I know this is scary. We're gonna figure out what's going on."
I dropped her hand and cradled my midsection again. Jacob's arms reflexively tightened around me as we walked through the front door and made our way up the stairs. The white lights were incredibly bright as Jacob carefully laid me down on the hospital-like bed that was in the office. Once we found out I was pregnant, Carlisle had arranged his office into a hospital-like room for me since I couldn't just go to a normal doctor's office.
Jacob moved to the opposite side of the bed, so he wasn't in Carlisle's way. He cupped my cheek in one hand and rested his other hand on top of mine on my belly. My mom was right beside Jacob, resting her hands on my leg.
"I don't either," my dad said tensely, probably commenting on some thought my grandfather had. I looked over at them nervously.
"You don't what?" Jacob asked pointedly, picking up on my tension. My dad shook his head to Jake then came to stand beside my mom near the foot of the bed.
"Renesmee, I'm going to ask you a few questions then we will do an ultrasound, okay?" Carlisle reached out and touched my forehead, probably gaging my body temperature. I was freezing, which was strange because I rarely noticed my body temperature change due to being half vampire.
Another intense cramp tore through my abdomen. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my lips together as my muscles tightened. I felt nauseous all of a sudden and scrambled to try and sit up. My dad grabbed a nearby trash can as Jacob and Carlisle helped me up. I emptied the contents of my stomach into the bin.
"Can you at least do something for her pain first!?" Jacob asked angrily as he carefully assisted me in lying back down. His fingers stroked my cheek frantically.
"I know it's hard for you to see her in discomfort, but I really need to gather a little more information first, Jacob." Carlisle answered.
"I'm okay, Jake," I opened my eyes and looked up at my grandfather and nodded for him to ask me the questions. I glanced back toward Jacob, and he hunched forward so his face was closer to mine, just inches away. His brow was furrowed as he looked at me anxiously.
He was just as scared as me. I was so worried about how I would feel if something was wrong with the baby that I'd forgotten that this was Jacob's baby, too. Except, he was worried about two things – the baby and me.
I reached up and held his face as we mirrored each other's fear. I'm okay, I told him as tears began streaming down my face again. His face contorted with emotion as he leaned down and kissed my forehead and cheek.
"Were you having any other bleeding in the last several days?"
I didn't look away from Jacob as I answered. "I had a little bit of spotting yesterday, but nothing significant. I didn't think anything of it."
"Any cramping, abdominal or pelvic pain like you're having now?"
"No."
"Any other symptoms?"
"No," I answered. "Everything was fine until I woke up a little bit ago from the cramping."
"When did you last feel the fetus move?"
I took a deep breath and couldn't answer out loud. I searched Jacob's eyes before I showed him the happiest moment so far in my life – feeling the little fluttering from our beautiful, perfect baby. I remembered grabbing his hand and hurriedly placing it on my stomach, seeing his face completely light up like my own before he leaned down and kissed my barely bulging belly. Then I recalled his huge grin as he got up and kissed me with so much love.
We had to have more moments like this – that couldn't be the only one.
I saw Jacob's eyes fill with tears. He reached for my hand on his cheek and kissed it. "It was this morning." Jacob answered for me after clearing his throat.
I was starting to feel colder and kind of tired all of a sudden as a shiver rippled through my spine. My eyes began to droop, like my eyelids just couldn't stay open.
" Ness," I heard Jacob say my name anxiously. I shook my head slightly and refocused on him and the bright light that shined just over his shoulder. Maybe the light could keep me awake…
I was able to keep my eyes focused for a few seconds before feeling kind of dizzy and faint again. The pain tore through my abdomen and my eyes closed unwillingly.
" Something's wrong! What's happening?" I heard my mom's panicked voice.
" Her heartrate is dropping. Carlisle!" My dad yelled.
" What does that mean!? Do something!" Jacob screamed. I felt his fingers anxiously brush my face. "I'm right here, Ness. Can you hear me, baby? I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"
I can hear you, Jake. I'm here. Why are you sorry? This is my fault, I tried to say these words out loud, but I was just so, so tired… I hoped he was able to hear my thoughts since he was still stroking my cheek.
"She's hemorrhaging," my grandfather said. "Edward, get her on some oxygen. We need to start an IV, check her hemoglobin levels, and perform a dilation and curettage."
I tried to open my eyes again, but I couldn't. Jacob reached for my hand and held it to his cheek.
Make sure our baby is okay, I told him before unwillingly falling deeper into unconsciousness.
. . . . . . . .
I awoke a day later. When I finally opened my eyes, it was hard because I still felt incredibly tired. I blinked several times before noticing Jacob's face just inches from mine. His eyes were closed. His even breathing told me he was asleep. Where were we? I was so disoriented.
I tried to touch Jacob's arm and wake him up so he could tell me what was going on. Something ached and tugged in my hand as I tried to reach up. I looked down and noticed the IV that was there. I shifted in the bed to look around and immediately felt pain in my abdomen and low back. I also felt kind of dizzy.
My hands instinctively went to my belly. I caressed it carefully.
My baby.
What happened?
The last thing I remembered was answering Carlisle's questions then feeling really sleepy. I touched Jacob's face. "Jake," I croaked since my throat was so dry.
His eyes shot open quickly. "Renesmee!" His hands were instantly holding my face as he leaned forward and kissed anywhere his lips could touch – my forehead, cheeks, chin, jaw, neck. "Oh, baby, I've been so, so worried. Carlisle said you were fine and just needed to rest… But I wasn't going to feel any better until you woke up."
"I'm fine," I responded quickly. But was the baby? "What happened? Is the baby okay?"
I felt his body stiffen. He closed his eyes. "Jake," I said desperately as my hands went back to my stomach. "Tell me what happened. Our baby is okay, right?" I felt tears pool in my eyes because part of me already knew the answer, but I couldn't accept the reality of it; it was far too painful.
He swallowed. "You were hemorrhaging, that's why you went unconscious… The oxygen levels in your blood were too low," he searched my eyes. I nodded for him to continue. He wasn't answering my question, and I was getting impatient. "When we got here last night, Carlisle couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat anymore and," his voice broke as tears filled his eyes. His thumbs swiped gently back and forth against my cheeks. "The miscarriage was already happening, so he couldn't do anything… We lost our baby, Ness."
"No!" I screamed. Anguish I never imagined possible tore through my body; it felt like dull knives were trying to cut their way out of me. "NOOO!"
"I know, Ness… I'm sorry," Jacob said through his own tears as he wrapped his top arm around me carefully and stroked my hair. "I'm so, so sorry."
This wasn't real. There was no way this could be reality. I was dreaming. I would wake up from this nightmare tomorrow, and I would feel more flutters in my belly as I daydreamed about my beautiful baby that would look like Jacob. I would continue thinking about baby names and my grandma and Aunt Alice would continue discussing the design for the nursery…
"Our baby…" I choked out. "No."
I touched Jacob's arm and flooded him with everything I remembered about the baby – our accident with the condom ripping, me taking a pregnancy test and both of us being incredibly nervous but excited, telling our parents, Carlisle's worry about my body's ability to sustain a pregnancy and how he could ensure I was staying healthy, telling his pack brothers and sister, our joy when I passed the first trimester, my grandma gifting us our little cabin and helping me design the nursery, him holding and rubbing my belly every night when we were going to sleep, us pondering over baby names…
And now it was over.
All that was left was the two of us when we had planned for three.
No more flutters in my belly.
No more daydreaming about our baby's future.
No more happy ending.
"I know, Ness…" Jacob said. I looked up at him and saw the agony written all over his face, too.
Now, I was angry.
"Why?" I demanded hysterically. "Why did this happen? I was past the first trimester! This wasn't supposed to happen! Why?"
Jacob sighed. "Carlisle said it's hard to know for sure, but that most miscarriages during the second trimester are from chromosomal abnormalities, infections, underlying health conditions, or your cervix dilating too early… He said it was easy to rule-out any of the health things because you're perfectly healthy."
I sniffed. "So… chromosomal abnormalities then?"
He nodded. "That's what he thinks."
I showed him an image of me being half human and half vampire, and him being half human and half werewolf. Is it because half of us is, maybe, incompatible – the vampire and werewolf parts?
"I wondered about that, too," he whispered. "I think everyone's questioning it, but how can we know for sure? There's never been a couple like us before."
My heart felt like it was glass that had just been shattered. This part of Jacob and me was mismatched? I might not be able to give him a child? There was something wrong with me?
I showed him another image of him imprinting on me, then shifted it to Sam imprinting on Emily. They had two healthy babies with no complications whatsoever. The same was true for Rachel and Paul – they just had Jacob's niece with no difficulties. Wasn't that part of the imprinting "magic" – to pass along the werewolf gene and create more powerful wolves in the next generation? That meant Jacob and I should be able to have children, right?
"I've been thinking about that, too. I don't know," he said sadly. "But I wanted this baby with you so badly, Ness…" He sobbed. I reached for his face and tried to wipe away some of his tears that were flowing steadily like my own. "I had so many hopes and dreams, just like you. I never realized how badly I wanted to be a father until yesterday when I felt our baby move… And then almost losing you last night from it… I could have lost both of you… It's all too much…"
I buried my face in his neck and wrapped my arm around his back. We both continued crying. "I should have noticed the signs sooner, told Carlisle about the spotting. It's my body that failed somehow, and now you're hurting. I'm so sorry, Jake. I'm so, so sorry…"
"None of this is your fault, Ness." Jacob said as he kissed my head and tightened his embrace. "Please don't blame yourself, baby."
I didn't believe him. Of course, it was my fault – my body failed me somehow. I couldn't keep our baby alive. My body betrayed me and took away all my hopes and dreams. And, worse than that, it took away Jacob's, too.
Why did this happen to us? Why couldn't I have died with my baby, too? That felt less painful than to still be alive now to live in the grief of this insurmountable loss.
"Carlisle needs to come in and check on you now that you're awake," Jacob murmured. "I just asked if I could have some time alone with you once you woke up before anyone else came in."
"I don't want to see anyone else. I just want to go home," I said as I showed Jacob an image of our cabin.
"As soon as Carlisle says we can go home, we will. I think he needs to make sure your oxygen levels are high enough first."
I nodded. "Okay."
. . . . . . .
I sob and sob as I cling to Jacob's fur and burrow myself further into his warmth.
After the first miscarriage, when we weren't even planning to have a baby in the first place, we decided to try again. Carlisle told us miscarriages were common and that many people had very normal pregnancies afterward.
So, I got pregnant again – six months after the first miscarriage.
And, five months into my pregnancy, I had a second miscarriage. It was exactly the same as the first – Jacob and I were able to feel the baby begin to move, then I started spotting. I told Carlisle right away this time. He did an ultrasound and there wasn't a heartbeat any longer.
Two months after the second miscarriage, Carlisle said he wanted to run some more in-depth tests, so he had me take a medication that would make more than one egg mature at a time. He did a procedure to retrieve the eggs that had matured and collected a sperm sample from Jacob.
I didn't really understand the complicated science and medical terminology around the tests he did, but, basically, he said that my eggs and Jacob's sperm seemed to repel each other in a strange way that he'd never seen before. He advised against us trying to have a baby because he feared it would continue to be the same devastating result.
We were both devastated, and it killed me even more to see Jacob's broken heart. It was too much to sit in my own grief, but to see his, too, was brutal.
I felt so broken, so damaged. I still do sometimes, if I'm being honest.
I never put much thought into being a mother and having a family with Jacob. At least, not until it was ripped away from me. But after the second miscarriage, it was all I wanted. And I wanted is desperately.
Everything after that was dark.
So, so dark.
I still don't really remember that time well. I was just… incredibly depressed.
Then a month later, Avery was sexually assaulted, and I murdered her attacker.
After that, I never left my bed. I refused to eat. I refused to get up. I was completely checked out of reality.
I try to remember what it was like, but only a brief glimmer of a memory surfaces…
. . . . . . .
Six Months Ago – After the second miscarriage & after Avery's sexual assault
"Nessie," I heard Jacob say my name, but I didn't stir. I was hidden underneath the quilt on our bed. I had no intension of moving from this spot anytime soon. I felt Jacob sit on the edge of the bed and slowly pull the blanket down. He stroked my hair, but I didn't open my eyes.
"I know you're awake," Jacob whispered, but I didn't acknowledge him.
How could I look at his painstakingly beautiful face that was full of just as much suffering as my own? Suffering that was my fault because my body didn't work right, or… Because Jacob and I weren't compatible in the ways we were supposed to be.
Jacob sighed. "Ness, I'm so worried about you, baby… I called your mom and asked her to come be with you today while I go check on the pack. I know you might not want that, but I can't leave you here alone again today… She'll be here in a few minutes, and I'll only be gone for an hour or two while I arrange some things so I can be back here with you."
Yesterday, Jacob was patrolling, and I insisted that I be here by myself. He unwillingly agreed after I threw a fit about it. When he came home, I was in the nursery, hysterically destroying everything I could get my hands on. It freaked him out, and I couldn't blame him. I probably looked like a crazy person that should be committed.
Jacob walked to the other side of the bed and laid down next to me. We were facing each other. His hand came back up to stroke my cheek and hair.
"Baby," he whispered. "Please talk to me." He reached for my hand and held it to his cheek, hoping I would communicate with him that way, but I couldn't. I was too numb. I had no words for the grief I was feeling.
"Nessie, I love you so much. None of this changes that. Nothing could ever change that… I don't blame you for anything that happened with Avery. And… If we can't have children, it's okay. It's enough for me to be with just you forever…"
. . . . . . .
Two months after that memory, I left.
I never realized how badly I wanted a baby. I wish that stupid condom never broke for me to accidentally get pregnant. I wouldn't want a child this much if I hadn't experienced the overabundant joy during the first pregnancy.
Jacob whimpers as he nuzzles his cheek against the top of my head and runs his paw up and down my back. The top of my head is wet from Jacob's inevitable tears.
We've never cried like this before. This is the first time either of us have really felt this pain together.
It's as if he's able to release his feelings with me here now, too. We both have to feel these feelings to heal, but it's completely unmanageable, unbearable without the other person being an anchor.
"I never should have run away from us," I mutter into his neck. I pull away so I can look up at him. "It's… it's enough for me to just be with you, too. I… I just want you to have everything. And I feel like I can't give you what you want or need," I realize now that I am blubbering and probably not making much sense.
And I'm feeling guilt creep in, like I'm dishonoring Brady by being sad about something else too. It's just… I think everything's been waiting to come to the surface once I felt safe enough. And I've always felt the safest with Jacob.
I bury into his neck again. "And now… And now Brady's gone. If I hadn't left, he might still be here. And now you're hurting more. Maybe I could have prevented it. Maybe… Maybe…" A sob ripples out of my chest and I'm hysterically crying while clinging to him again.
Brady was my friend.
And now he's gone.
Maybe I could have prevented it if I were here to help that night.
I know this must be killing Jacob. He's always felt insecure as the pack's Alpha, anyway, and now I know he's beating himself up when he did everything he could. Even though I don't know the entire story yet, I know Jacob's not at fault.
I take a deep breath then pull away to look up at Jacob as I hold his wolf face between my hands. "None of this is your fault, Jake, so you better not be blaming yourself, do you hear me?"
He averts his gaze and shakes his head. I tighten my hands and pull his face back. I wait for him to make eye contact with me. "I said, 'do you hear me'?"
His face softens, and he nods once. He whines as I burrow into him again. He rests his cheek on top of my head and continues crying. I hold him tighter.
The one thing I've learned from all my work with Senna is that if we allow ourselves to feel the pain and darkness within us, it will eventually recede.
It's when we run away from the darkness, or try to numb ourselves to it, that it grows and festers.
Sometimes things have to completely fall apart for us to rebuild them the way we actually want them to be.
I hate being on a pedestal. I hate feeling pulled between my different families. And, if I'm being honest, I hate myself quite a bit, too.
Maybe Jacob and I are both feeling the darkness within us right now – clearing out the infection so we can heal and grow together in the ways we really want to.
So, I let all the emotions and sobs flow out of me without shame, without any worry that I will drown.
Because Jacob's got me. And I've got him.
We will feel this pain together then figure out how to move forward and reassemble the broken pieces.
We cry and cry and cry together until we're both completely exhausted. Then we stay buried in each other as we fall into dreamless, quiet slumbers – both of us completely raw, completely exposed…
But now we have a clean slate to rebuild.
Chapter 15
Notes:
A/N: Hi, guys! I promise I'm not abandoning this story; I've just been really busy at work the last few weeks! I'm sorry if this chapter seems a little choppy/all over the place. I needed to connect a few parts of the storyline for some things that are about to happen next! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"Renegade" by Big Red Machine feat. Taylor Swift
Are you really gonna talk about timin' in times like these?
And let all your damage, damage me?
And carry your baggage up my street?
And make me your future history? It's time
You've come a long way
Open the blinds, let me see your face
You wouldn't be the first renegade to need somebody
Is it insensitive for me to say,
"Get your shit together, so I can love you?"
Is it really your anxiety that stops you from givin' me everything
Or do you just not want to?
RPOV
I wake up the next morning in my bed which confuses me.
Jacob and I fell asleep in the forest last night, right? I'm completely disoriented.
How did I get to the cabin? Where's Jacob? He's not in bed with me, and that fact makes my heart ache.
I sit up quickly and look around. Everything looks exactly as it did before I left. I look over toward the bathroom, hoping that's where Jacob is. I imagine him walking back into the bedroom in his human form, crawling back into bed with me, wrapping his arms around me, and kissing me.
My heart starts hammering in my chest at the thought of seeing him human. It's been far too long.
I want his lips on mine, his muscular arms holding me, his stubble tickling my neck as he kisses me, his hands roaming my body…
God, and I want to hear his laugh, feel his heavy breathing against my neck, feel his lips on the bare skin of my stomach, my thighs…
I clench my legs together at the sudden tingling that's begging for friction. If I knew for sure Jacob wasn't here, I might let my fingers slip lower to take care of the ache on my own. But if he's here somewhere, I'm hoping he can do it…
Or am I getting ahead of myself? We both just completely broke down last night; we haven't even really talked. I just want him terribly.
I take a deep breath and try to refocus, but it's difficult. I haven't been this hungry for Jake in almost two years. The miscarriages and stuff with Avery really put a damper on my sex drive, to say the least.
But my body feels electrically charged again, especially after last night when Jacob licked my lips. I want him to do it again. Who am I kidding? There are a lot of things I want him to do with his tongue...
If he were here, he would be in the bedroom already, scenting my desire. Unless… unless things are different now.
Is there really a possibility that Jacob could imprint on someone else the way Kim suggested? All the legends I've heard are about imprinting being absolute. But is it? With me not being able to carry along the wolf gene, what does that mean? That's the point of imprinting, right? To bring about stronger wolves in future generations? Anxiety stirs in my stomach.
I can't think about that right now. I need to refocus. I take a deep breath and lightly shake my head, clearing my thoughts.
I need to know more details about what happened during that fight with the nomad vampires a couple days ago. Is there going to be a funeral for Brady soon? Who's arranging it, and do they need help? How is everyone else in the pack coping with this? How can I help?
I throw the covers back and notice that I'm definitely not wearing all the clothes I came home in yesterday. Instead, I'm just wearing my sports bra and underwear. Huh, maybe Jacob carried me home and put me to bed at some point during the night/early morning.
If he did, that means he shifted back. That means he's no longer in a catatonic state, right? That means he's doing a little better, hopefully. I know I'm feeling a thousand pounds lighter after last night's mental breakdown.
I frown at the assumption of Jacob carrying me home, though, because that means I missed seeing him human if he isn't somewhere in the cabin.
I glance at the clock - it's 10:00 a.m. I quickly get out of bed and walk into the bathroom. Jacob's not here, sadly, but it looks like the shower is wet. I walk out into the living room, the kitchen, then the spare bedroom. Jacob's nowhere in our small house.
A pang of loneliness rushes through me. Why didn't Jacob wake me up before leaving? Did last night not mean to him what it meant to me? I thought it was catharsis, essentially, for both of us. I thought there was some release that would, in turn, help us open the doors of communication to repair our relationship. Maybe that was only one-sided, though.
I walk back into the master bedroom and find my phone plugged in on the nightstand. I unlock it, hoping that Jacob sent me a message to tell me where he is.
I open my messages. The first one is from my mom from about fifteen minutes ago: Good morning, honey. Jacob just left the main house. We all needed to debrief from the fight. He said you were still asleep when he left the cabin. Come over to the cottage when you wake up. See you soon. I love you.
I quickly respond: I just woke up. Let me shower then I'll be over. Love you too.
Then I have a message from my Aunt Alice: I restocked your closet while you were away. I had a feeling you might need some new clothes. Everything's in the walk-in. Please FaceTime me if you need assistance in assembling an outfit. Xo.
I've never been happier to have a shopaholic aunt in my entire life because almost all my favorite clothes are still with Nahuel in Chile.
Speaking of Nahuel, a have a missed call and text from him: Hey, Nessie. Just making sure you made it home okay? How's everyone doing? How are you doing? No lies.
I smile at the "no lies" part before typing a response. I made it home just fine. I'm not really sure how everyone's doing yet. I'm doing okay. Sorry for leaving so hastily.
No messages or missed calls from Jacob. I debate calling him myself for about five minutes straight, keeping my finger hovered over the call button while I mentally list the pros and cons.
I sigh and close Jacob's contact information. If he wanted me to know what he was up to, maybe he would have woken me up before he left. Maybe he needs some time to process everything that happened last night.
So, instead of calling Jacob, I quickly click on the person I call when I don't want anything sugarcoated, and when I want the honest, stone-cold truth.
She answers after the second ring, her voice sounding hesitant, "Hello?"
"Hey, Leah. It's me," I say quickly.
"Nessie?" Leah questions with the same dubious tone. "Why are you calling me?"
I take a deep breath. "I'm back. I know about Brady. I'm so, so sorry, Leah… I just… I guess I'm calling to see how you and everyone are doing."
I think I hear Leah snort. "How nice of you to check in now. Jacob's been MIA for the last two and a half days, did you know that? Do you even care?"
I deserve any animosity she throws my way, but it still stings. "Of course I care… Maybe I shouldn't have left the way I did, but it's what I needed. I was with Jacob last night. I think he's doing a little better. He just left my family's house twenty minutes ago or so, maybe to come find you?"
"He hasn't shown up here yet." She says bitterly. "Look, I understand why you left. Not being able to have children has probably been taken away from me, too. I understand your hurt to an extent. But you didn't have to take care of Jake's drunken, pathetic ass the last few months."
Leah hasn't had her period since she started phasing. She has hope it'll come back if she eventually stops phasing, but she doesn't see the point since she doesn't have an imprint.
"Drunken?" I question. Has Jacob been drinking a lot?
"Yes, 'drunken'," Leah snaps. "Did the two of you talk at all last night?"
"No, we haven't really talked yet."
"You we're doing other things, got it. How romantic." She says with a sarcastic chortle.
I chuckle once. "No, nothing like that. I wish. He was just in his wolf form, and we fell asleep."
"Uh huh, whatever you say. I'll know soon enough once Jacob lets up on this order for us all not to phase. We're all chomping at the fucking bit."
"I bet he's on his way over now."
"I'll have his ass when he shows his face for that idiotic order."
A small chuckle leaves my mouth. "Don't go too hard on him. That's my job."
"Don't worry, he'll still be able to walk… It just might take him a few days."
We both laugh then it's quiet for a few seconds before I say quietly, "How bad is everything, Leah?"
"Bad," she answers slowly. "We're all hurting individually, and collectively, so it feels overwhelming. I'm glad you're back so Jacob can hopefully function like a normal fucking human being; he's been a pain in the ass with you gone. It's been a rough few months and a shitty few days."
I swallow. "What can I do? Can I help with the funeral if there's going to be one? Have you guys been eating? Do you need food?"
"Brady's family has the funeral arranged. It's in a couple days."
"Food then?" I ask. "When's the last time you ate?"
"I don't fucking know," she gripes. "I haven't been hungry."
"Why don't you all come over to the cabin this afternoon? Invite the pack. I'll make food."
"You'll make food?" She asks skeptically.
"Well, I'll probably buy it, but either way, I'll supply it. I need to go see my parents for a little bit, but why don't you tell everyone to come over around 4:00?"
"Sure, okay. I'll see you this afternoon then."
"Yes, I'll see you then… And Leah?"
"What?"
"Thanks for watching out for Jacob while I was away."
She sniffs. "Yeah, well… He might get under my motherfucking skin, but he's still my brother."
I smile. "Thanks, Leah. See you this afternoon?"
"See you then." She hangs up.
I open my conversation with Jacob and send him a quick message. I just talked to Leah. I told her to invite everyone over to the cabin this afternoon for food around 4:00.
I see three conversation bubbles pop up before receiving only a thumbs up emoji. I sigh as I make my way into the bathroom and turn on the shower.
Maybe I'm not coming home to the same Jacob. I've changed in the last few months, what's to say he hasn't, too?
. . . . . . . .
"That's too complicated. Give me something simpler," I complain on the phone to Nahuel forty-five minutes later while walking to my parents' house.
"It's just sandwiches and a few side dishes," he laughs. "I'll text you a list of stuff to pick up at the store then FaceTime me when you get home, and I'll guide you through it."
I sigh. "Okay. Remember I need enough food for a small, starving army."
"I got you covered, don't worry."
"Thanks. I appreciate the help. I better let you go, I'm almost at my parents'."
"No problem. I'll text you a list in a few minutes."
"You're a lifesaver. Talk to you in a little bit."
"Sounds good, bye."
I tell him bye then hang up. I shove my phone into my pocket as I walk through a small break in the trees. Once the cottage comes into view, I see my parents already waiting for me outside. My mom rushes to my side, pulls me into a quick embrace, then keeps her arm around my shoulders as we walk back toward the house. My dad opens the door for both of us. We go inside and sit down on the couch – me sandwiched in between both of my parents. I think they're afraid to let me out of their site.
"We just missed you terribly." My dad crookedly smiles, commenting on my thought. I'll have to get used to that again.
My mom rests one of her hands on top of mine and squeezes. "Honey, you seem like you're feeling so much better."
I nod with a small smile. "I am, mama." And I genuinely mean it.
"Do you want to tell us about your trip?" She asks.
I shake my head. "Can you tell me what exactly happened with Brady and the nomad vampires first?"
My dad's brow furrows. "Jacob didn't tell you?"
I shake my head again and explain how Jacob and I didn't really talk last night since he stayed in his wolf form.
I listen as my dad tells me the details from the fight. My mom chimes in here and there to add information too. When my dad tells me how the hybrid appeared out of nowhere and landed on Brady's back, I can't hold back my tears. My mom wraps an arm around my shoulders when my dad says he's never felt so much anguish all at once since everyone in the pack felt the pain individually and collectively.
I sniff and wipe my eyes. "Why… why was Brady on Leah's shift? He's usually with Jacob during the day."
My mom plants a kiss on my temple before answering my question. "Jacob started drinking a lot when you left, honey. He… he was really struggling. Leah ordered Embry and Quil to watch him 24/7, so Embry and Brady switched watches."
No.
No, no, no.
If I hadn't left, Embry probably would have been the one trailing behind the nomads… Embry's more experienced than Brady, so maybe Embry would have been able to fight off the hybrid…
Of course, this is my fault, too.
"No, it's not!" My dad growls. I look up at him and swallow. "Don't you dare blame yourself for this, Renesmee. Jacob made his own choices just like you. He didn't have to resort to alcohol to cope, but he did."
"You can't seriously be blaming Jake for this! I'm the one that left!" I yell.
My mom rubs my back soothingly. "No one is blaming you or Jacob for this. It's no one's fault."
"Your mother's right. I'm not blaming anyone, love," my dad says. "I'm merely pointing out that Brady's death isn't your fault, so I don't want you blaming yourself for another second. The nomads would have come at some point regardless, and, with the hybrid's power and motive, she still would have killed one of the wolves. It seems as though she was trying to send a message. She wants the wolves to stay out of her way."
I'm not sure if my dad is just trying to make me feel better or not, but I know it's useless trying to argue whether I'm at fault or not with him. "Who is this hybrid? Why was she here?"
My dad shrugs. "I was never close enough to hear the hybrid's thoughts directly, so a lot is undetermined. The first vampire was shredded by the time I was close enough, so I couldn't hear his thoughts. We received the most information from the female vampire, Nina. The male vampire was Milo. Apparently, the hybrid captured Nina's and Milo's mates and threatened to kill them if they did not assist her in locating a magical dagger. How you can capture a vampire's mate, I'm not sure. Nina didn't even know the hybrid's name. Nina served on the Volturi's guard long ago. She helped Caius exterminate the Children of the Moon. She thought the wolves were Children of the Moon."
I swallow hard as I begin to piece everything together…
Because I know who the hybrid most likely is.
I recall the conversation I had with Nahuel, Maysun, Hulien, and Leo just a few days ago. Maysun explained how Serena, her and Nahuel's older half-sister, was helping Joham, their father, in locating some magical sword the Volturi had made from the teeth and bones of the Children of the Moon's Alpha. The sword is enchanted to flock to the most powerful vampire and can also kill a vampire as soon as it pierces their skin. Joham wants the sword because he's power hungry, but also because he theorizes the dagger won't work on hybrids. Maysun said one side of the sword says, "wield with humility" and the other side says, "nullify with your life."
I feel sick to my stomach.
"Do you know if the hybrid can teleport?" I ask as soon as I connect the dots.
"It's Nahuel's older sister?" My dad asks confusingly.
My mom looks at my dad questioningly before answering, "It seems like it. Jacob said when he went after her, she disappeared into thin air."
Fuck.
It is Serena.
Serena thinks my family has this bizarre sword thing? She manipulated two other vampires into helping her by capturing their mates? Those two vampires must be the ones who randomly showed up in Paraguay when I was with Zafrina and Senna. Why was she keeping tabs on me? How did Serena manage all this?
That means she's the one that killed Brady…
"Renesmee," my dad says tensely before placing a hand on my shoulder. "What else do you know?"
I swallow. "I think that's all."
"What's going on?" My mom asks worriedly. My dad explains everything to her that he just learned from my thoughts. She gasps as he recants the information.
"Do you think the two vampires that showed up in Paraguay when I was there with the Amazon coven were the two the pack killed?"
"I think it's highly likely," my dad concludes. "Serena talked to Jacob and threatened to harm you if the wolves kept getting in her way… That's why we didn't want you traveling home alone."
"How does Joham know about the dagger in the first place?" My mom asks.
"Maysun said Joham found out about the dagger from an old member of the Volturi's guard. So, maybe that was Nina?"
My dad shakes his head. "Nina's thoughts didn't indicate her telling anyone about the dagger except her mate. She was confused how the hybrid even knew about it."
"Why didn't Nina and Milo overpower Serena and stop her?" I ask.
"Serena told them if she was harmed and didn't return home, their mates would die. They felt backed into a corner."
"But… How can you imprison a vampire? I don't understand how Serena could trap Milo's and Nina's mates in the first place."
My dad frowns. "I don't know either. But Nina was definitely fearful and worried for her mate's safety and well-being."
My mom and dad decide they need to meet with Jacob and the rest of my vampire family today to explain this new information. My grandfather gets home from his hospital shift at 4:30 this afternoon, so they decide to meet then. My dad quickly sends a text message to everyone about the meeting. I tell them I already told the wolf pack to come over at 4:00, so they should have the meeting without me.
My mom explains how they were originally theorizing that the Volturi had indirectly sent the nomad vampires to investigate to see if Alice maybe had the dagger. Then my dad explains more of the backstory with the dagger – how Caius had the dagger made, how it belonged to him until it went missing, how the enchantress who bewitched the dagger is dead after Caius killed her…
"It seems as though your trip served another purpose in finding out all this information from Nahuel." My dad comments.
I smirk, I think it served many more purposes that just that one. Want to see something else I learned?
He nods, so I close my eyes for a moment and tune into the vibration in my chest. I let it expand before connecting the invisible tether with my dad.
"Nessie, what –" My dad is cut off by confusion when he hears his thoughts echo in my head.
What is Renesmee doing, exactly? This is another part of her gift, it seems. Oh! She can hear thoughts!
I respond to him, Yes, I can tell and show you things without needing physical touch. I can also manipulate minds to make someone believe the things I'm telling or showing them are their own original thoughts.
"Renesmee!" My dad exclaims excitedly, causing the tether to break at my lack of concentration. He leans forward quickly, placing his hands on my shoulders. "How did you find out about this new ability?"
"What's going on?" My mom asks.
My dad's proud expression doesn't leave my face as he explains. "Bella, love, Nessie's gift is much more powerful than we ever realized. She can infiltrate and control another person's mind without them knowing."
My mom is just as surprised as my dad. I explain to them how I reacted to a trauma trigger with Senna, causing me to project my thoughts without even knowing. Then I tell them about the training Senna and I did to foster healing and to assist me in harnessing this new part of my vampire talent.
"Will you try it on your mother?" My dad asks excitedly once I'm finished explaining.
"Only if it's okay with her?" I glance at my mom. She nods. "It still feels like an invasion of privacy in a lot of ways to me."
My mom smiles at me, waiting. I turn to face her fully and work to connect the invisible cord with her mind. I hear her thoughts fill my mind a second later, just like with anyone else: Of course, Renesmee has more gifts we are just now finding out about. I'm not the least bit surprised. She takes after Edward in so many ways, after all.
I quickly add, But this gift isn't just from Edward. It's from me, too. She's such a perfect combination of us both.
My mom doesn't even flinch at the thought I planted, so I continue, I missed Renesmee so much. I'm going to lean forward and kiss her forehead.
Immediately, my mom leans forward and kisses my head. I smile then break the connection with her. I turn to my dad, who's still looking awestruck.
"Incredible," he breaths. "You're incredible, Renesmee."
I turn back to my mom whose brow is wrinkled in confusion. "Did it not work?"
"No, it worked, love." My dad answers with a smirk. "I'm surprised it did, since your mind is so private to everyone else."
I grin. "I planted the thought of me being a perfect combination of both you and dad. And I had you lean forward and kiss me."
"You did?" My mom questions. "But I didn't even know… Wow, you really are incredible, honey, just like your dad said. I already knew that, though."
I smile at them both and feel emotion well up inside me because of how much I've missed them. Tears prick my eyelashes, causing my mom to lean forward and place her hand on my knee.
"What is it, honey?"
I sniff and reach up to wipe a tear that escaped. "I just missed you both so much… I'm sorry for leaving the way I did. I'm sure I worried you quite a bit."
My mom scoots closer to me and wraps an arm around my shoulders again. I lean into her and rest my head on her shoulder. "It's not your job to worry about us. It's your job to take care of yourself, and I think that's what you've been doing, right?"
I nod. My mom's hand runs soothingly up and down my arm. "I know the miscarriages and everything with Avery has been so rough for you, but I can't even begin to describe how good it was to see you yesterday. You appear as though you're doing a million times better."
I nod again. I know I'm better. My heart still aches from the loses and my mistakes, and I think it always will, but I know how to manage the feelings when they surface now. I was drowning before. I didn't know how to process through my distressing feelings, and they were eating me alive.
I, quite frankly, owe Senna my life. I wanted to die before my work with her. If anyone has this weird-ass magical dagger, I bet it's her. I mean, you can be the most powerful vampire in the world, but if your mind isn't right, you will not be able to think or behave clearly.
I still feel irresponsible for leaving Jacob alone in his grief. He had no way of escaping the way I did, so I can't help but feel selfish. I just… I couldn't continue hurting him. At the time, I thought maybe if I left, he really could imprint on someone else like Kim had suggested to Emily. I thought maybe I would be saving him from further pain. Two miscarriages when I was supposed to be able to pass along the wolf gene and killing Avery's attacker, putting Jake in the middle… I just wanted to give him a break from me. Maybe he could've had a better life without me.
I hear my dad take in a deep, sharp breath, so I shift my gaze over to him. "You are a lot more like me than I thought, love, and I'm not sure that's a good thing."
I look at him, puzzled. "What do you mean, dad?"
"I know you've heard the story of when I left your mother all those years ago." I feel my mom stiffen as she recalls the memory. My dad reaches over and places his hand on top of my mom's reassuringly. "Your reasoning behind leaving was much like my own. Unluckily for you, love, you inherited my self-deprecation and your mother's stubbornness."
I laugh once then sit up from leaning on my mom's shoulder. "Maybe that makes me more fortunate than you think because I can't imagine two better parents."
. . . . . . . .
After the visit with my parents, I go to the store to buy the ingredients for everything Nahuel is going to help me make then I head back to the cabin. Once I get there, I FaceTime Nahuel, and he walks me through how to make massive batches of potato salad and macaroni and cheese. He also helps me make a variety of sub sandwiches. I bought massive amounts of chips, cookies, and drinks when I was at the store also.
Surprisingly, the only hiccup in making the food is boiling over the water for the potatoes. Everything passes Nahuel's careful inspection, so I'm hopeful the food will at least be edible.
Once I finish assembling everything, it's a little after 3:00. I wash the dishes and change my clothes because I made a huge mess. I'm definitely not graceful in the kitchen like my best friend.
I pull out my phone and open my text conversation with Jacob. I take a deep breath then quickly type out a message to him: Are you coming home after the meeting with my family?
I'm pulling the elastic out of my hair when my phone buzzes with Jacob's response: If you want me to.
I always want you.
Then I'll see you sometime tonight.
I'm not sure what else to say, so I don't respond.
I brush my hair out, apply a little mascara and fill in my eyebrows. I put on some chapstick then walk into the living room to wait for everyone to get here.
I'm feeling a little nervous since I haven't seen my werewolf family in quite awhile. I start chewing on my thumb nail as my mind begins to swarm with anxious questions: Are they angry at me for leaving? How badly was Jacob hurting? Do they hate me for causing him that pain? Do they blame me for Brady's death? What if they don't even show up? What if –
My thoughts are abruptly cut off by the sound of the doorbell. I must have been so anxious I didn't even hear the footsteps outside beforehand. I jump up and quickly open the door.
All I see is a smiling Seth before he lurches forward and pulls me into a huge bear hug that lifts me off the ground. "Nessie! I've missed you!"
I laugh as he sets me back down. "I've missed you too, Seth."
Leah walks in behind Seth and nods to me, her face staying stoic. "You look good."
I nod back and give her a small smile. "Thanks."
Everyone else slowly makes their way inside. Most of them pull me into a hug as they walk in. I feel somewhat overwhelmed like I did when my vampire family picked me up at the airport yesterday because…
Well, because I didn't expect anyone to still care about me after all the chaos I've caused.
But they're all here – Quil and Claire, Paul, Rachel and their baby, Lizzie, Jared and Kim, Embry and Laura, Sam, Emily, and their toddler, Kyle, Sue and my Grandpa Charlie, Billy, and Collin. Jacob, of course, is the only person missing.
I haven't seen my Grandpa Charlie in a long time, so when he embraces me, I have to tell myself to keep it together because I didn't realize how much I missed him. He retired a few years ago and spends most of his free time either with Sue or fishing.
He's completely in the loop on all the vampire/werewolf stuff, but it still weirds him out. I think he's just decided the strangeness is worth keeping my mom, Billy, and Sue in his life. And me, too, I suppose.
My vampire family decided to stay in the Forks area indefinitely so my mom can be near Charlie as he ages. No one's questioned my family's lack of aging yet, and my Aunt Alice is monitoring things for them to be able to stay as long as possible.
Charlie doesn't know about the pregnancy stuff with Jacob and me. He's still completely freaked out that Jacob and I are a couple. I don't blame him; it is an incredibly outlandish situation from his perspective.
I didn't realize how small the cabin was until now. I leave the front door open since we have some chairs outside on the patio and tell everyone to get some food.
Everyone looks exhausted, like they haven't slept in weeks. No one has their usual energy; instead, everyone is slow and somber. They're all getting food, though, so that makes me feel a little better.
"This mac and cheese is fucking delicious, Nessie." Paul says as he shovels another bite into his mouth and plops down on the couch in the living room across from me.
Rachel and Lizzie are on his left and Leah's sitting on his right. Seth, Quil, and Claire, who's now 16 years old, are sitting on the floor in front of them. Everyone else is lingering in the kitchen or sitting outside.
"Thanks." I respond with a small smile.
"You made this?" Quil asks pointedly. He scoops up some of the macaroni and scrutinizes it carefully.
Claire elbows him before muttering, "Just be nice and eat it."
I laugh. "Yes, I made it. I had a friend help me, though. So, it should be edible, Quil."
Seth laughs. "Who helped you? Seriously, everything is delicious."
"I don't know if you remember Nahuel or not, but he's the one who helped. I was visiting him for awhile in South America. He's a hybrid like me and only eats human food. He's an amazing cook."
I want to tell them all about Nahuel's half-sister and dad being responsible for Brady's death, but I can't without Jacob being here. He should be the one to tell everyone after the meeting with my vampire family.
"Cool," Seth says as he shoves the rest of his sandwich into his mouth.
"You were staying with Nahuel this entire time?" Rachel asks as she bounces Lizzie on her lap. I realize, for the first time, that I'm not at all bothered by a baby being around me which is definitely different.
"I was visiting the Amazon coven before that – Zafrina, Kachiri, and Senna."
"You're just friends with Nahuel?" Rachel questions.
I frown at her insinuation. "Of course."
She just nods but doesn't say anything else. I've never thought of Nahuel as more than my best friend. Nothing about our relationship has ever been more than that.
Paul snorts. "Thank the fucking heavens you're back, Nessie. I've been going insane not being able to phase from Jake's gag order."
Quil groans. "Goddamn, it felt so good to run on four legs again."
"I'm sorry," I say in a small voice, looking down. I feel my cheeks warm. All these things feel like they're my fault.
"Don't do that," Leah says disapprovingly. I look up at her. "Don't be self-deprecating. You did what you needed to do to take care of yourself, right?"
I nod. She continues, "Then don't apologize for anything. None of this is anyone's fault. I could sit here and blame myself for giving the order to Quil and Embry to babysit Jake, but I'm not. Sometimes shit like this just happens and it's unexplainable. I have no patience for pity parties right now."
I give her a small nod. "You're right. Thanks, Lee."
She nods as she bites into her sandwich. "Oh, these are good. For being half-vampire, this Nahuel guy knows his shit."
. . . . . . . .
It's 9:00 when everyone begins cleaning up and getting ready to leave. The last few hours were spent remembering and telling stories about Brady.
Jacob never came home, though which worries me. I can't imagine the meeting with my family taking this long.
Once everyone leaves, I check my phone, but I don't have any messages or missed calls. I finish cleaning up then go into the bedroom to change into my pajamas and brush my teeth.
Once I'm finished, I pace around my room for a while, debating if I should call Jacob or not. It feels strange to be this self-conscious of my every move with Jacob right now… I just feel like everything is fragile, and I don't want to break anything else between us.
I decide to make some tea and sit in the living room with a book. If he's not home in another hour, I'll call then. As hard as I try, though, I can't get my mind to focus on anything but him.
I hear the clattering of footsteps outside and immediately jump up and rush toward the front door. There's a scratching sound before I fling the door open.
Jacob's here, standing on the porch, but he's in his wolf form. I look at him confusingly. "Jake? What's wrong?"
He shakes his head, indicating that nothing is wrong. He walks a few steps toward the corner of the porch and lies down. "What are you doing? Don't you want to phase back and come inside?"
He shakes his head again.
"You aren't going to phase back?"
He tells me no.
I slowly walk over and plop down next to him on the porch. I reach toward him automatically, wanting to run my fingers through his fur. Catching myself, I pause a couple inches away and look at him, waiting for permission.
A small whine leaves his mouth. He looks somewhat hurt by my hesitation. "Sorry. I just…" I swallow. "I just don't know how to be around you right now."
He leans forward and plants a small wolf kiss on my cheek. I smile and continue running my fingers through his coat. "Are you hungry? There's some leftovers."
He says no. "Why don't you want to shift back?"
He stares at me like he's trying to tell me something. I've always fared decently when it comes to communicating with Jake when he's in his wolf form, but I feel the thrumming in my chest, begging me to use the power that's coursing through me. As tempting as it is to think about connecting to Jacob's mind to hear his thoughts, I can't without his permission. And I don't want to explain this new part of my gift to him right now.
"I don't know what you're trying to tell me, Jake." I say to him. "Are you sleeping out here?" He nods.
I sigh and stand up. "Okay. I'll be right back then."
I go inside and head for the hall closet where I pull out a sleeping bag. I walk into our bedroom and grab a pillow before turning out the lights and going back outside.
Jacob whimpers as I unroll the sleeping bag and situate it next to him. "I don't know why you aren't shifting back, but I'm not sleeping in our bed without you."
I crawl into the sleeping bag. Jacob curls up beside me. We face each other as I continue running my fingers through his fur. I notice for the first time how choppy his coat his. Some sections are long and shaggy while others are short and jagged.
"Did you try cutting your hair by yourself?" He nods. I continue trailing my fingers through the fur on his neck, observing the different lengths. "I can fix it for you before the funeral if you want."
He lifts his head and looks down at me. He searches my eyes for a second before nodding again. I used to cut Jacob's hair all the time.
"Tomorrow?" I ask. He bobs his head to indicate a "yes".
"Did my parents tell you everything with Jahom and Serena?"
He whines before shaking his head yes. "I'm sorry," I say quietly. "Leah and my mom told me about your drinking and about how Embry and Brady switched shifts. If…" I clear my throat. "If I hadn't left, Jake… Maybe… Maybe Brady would still be alive because Leah never would have given that order."
I feel Jacob's body stiffen before he whimpers and quickly begins shaking his head. He scoots even closer to me and uses his legs the best he can to pull me against him. He kisses the few tears that escaped down my cheeks. I burrow into him and breathe in his comforting scent.
Jake nudges my cheek, so I pull away enough to look up at him. He peppers my neck with his wolf kisses which makes my body feel as though it's on high alert. My breathing becomes jagged, and my heart is pounding.
"Jake…" I sigh. He shifts so he can look at me for a moment. Then he leans forward and lightly traces my lips with his tongue again, just like he did last night. The sensation sends me into a frenzy.
I cling to him with more ferocity, pressing my body as tightly to his as possible. He kisses me again, and my body begins trembling with urgent need when our tongues move together.
"Jacob," I breathe his name as he kisses my neck again. "God, please shift back, Jake. Please. I need you so bad."
He whines before shaking his head. My face flushes, and I feel embarrassment flood through me. Of course, Jacob doesn't want me this way right now. What was I thinking? I unwrap my limbs from around him and move back into the sleeping bag.
Why won't Jacob shift? Is he afraid to leave the pack alone? Is he avoiding talking to me?
Jacob whines and nuzzles my neck again. "It's okay," I tell him reassuringly.
I push against his chest, and he scoots away from me. I can't stand the idea of going back inside and crawling into our bed without him, but I also can’t lie here with him kissing me because my body begins to take on a mind of its own.
I roll over, my back to him. "Night, Jake."
He situates himself so he's right against my back. I close my eyes and try to will myself to sleep. The last thing I'm aware of is Jacob planting a kiss on my cheek as I silently pray for our relationship to fully mend.
Chapter 16
Notes:
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"Stoned at the Nail Salon" by Lorde
Got a memory of waiting in your bed wearing only my earrings
We'd go dancing all over the landmines under our town
But the sun has to rise
When it does, we'll divide up the papers
Two former hell-raisers
I'm still crazy for you, babe
Well, my hot blood's been burnin' for so many summers now
It's time to cool it down, wherever that leads
RPOV
My eyelids flutter open, and I'm instantly annoyed at the brightness of the morning sun. I was so, so comfortable snuggled up against Jacob all night despite sleeping outside on the hard porch.
Eyes still closed, I roll over, searching for the warmth of him that is no longer against my back. When I can't feel him, I open my eyes again to find myself back in our bed inside the cabin.
I sit up quickly, looking around me. Goddamnit, did Jake carry me back inside and leave again?
Jacob's not in bed, but… I hear the shower running in the bathroom.
My heart starts racing. Butterflies dance around in my stomach. My breathing accelerates.
Jacob is here.
In his human form.
In the bathroom.
Taking a shower.
Naked.
My cheeks flush. I basically threw myself at him last night and he somewhat rejected me. But still… But still my body is buzzing for the man who is literally ten feet away from my bed in the shower.
I hear the water turn off and shower door open.
Oh my god.
I feel like a flustered virgin.
Get it together, I scold myself.
It's like I have no idea how to control my body's reactions. I force myself to gulp down a few deep breaths. I remind myself that Jacob and I are still rebuilding things and maybe sex isn't the best place to start when we haven't really talked to each other yet.
My palms begin to feel sweaty. I reach up and run my fingers through my hair, self-consciously trying to smooth down any bedhead.
The bathroom door finally opens, and when I turn to look at him for the first time in months, I'm…
I'm completely speechless and awestruck.
He stops in the doorway when we make eye contact, only a towel hanging low on his hips. His shaggy, shoulder-length hair is glistening with water droplets. He's wearing a stoic, somewhat harsh expression on his face – jaw tense, eyebrows pulled slightly in. Closed off, cold.
I swallow, my throat suddenly extremely dry. We just stare at each other for several seconds, neither of us saying anything. Not being able to control myself, my eyes betray me as they fall away from his face and trail down his beautiful body – down his sharp jawline, toned chest, bulging biceps… All the way down to that little V-shape with a dusting of hair that disappears under the towel.
Feeling even more embarrassment, my entire body on fire, I meet his smoldering gaze again.
His expression stays the same, but the edge of his left eyebrow ticks up the slightest bit before he walks out of the doorway and over to the dresser. He opens the top drawer, grabbing out a pair of underwear. He turns to face me before, unhesitatingly, dropping his towel onto the wooden floor.
Quickly glancing down, I see that I'm definitely not the only one insanely aroused right now.
Okay, maybe we can have sex before talking. Yes. Yes, that sounds like a perfectly acceptable plan to me.
Make up sex is totally what needs to happen.
Immediately.
I throw the covers back from the bed and quickly stand. Jake doesn't reach to pull on his boxers as I walk toward him. I stop when I'm standing about six feet away.
Not breaking eye contact with him, I lift my t-shirt up and over my head, revealing my bare chest since I never sleep with a bra on. Jacob glances down. More heat rushes through me when Jacob's dark eyes meet mine again, looking absolutely feral.
I push my pajama shorts down, now only clad in my boy-short panties. Jacob's eyes roam my body again. I take a shaky breath.
When Jacob's eyes find mine once again, his expression is still harsh, but also hungry.
Hungry for me.
I could never forget the way Jacob looks when he's aroused. And right now, he's aching for me as much as I am for him. The only exception is that he's never looked at me this coldly before.
Will this be angry fucking then? That's fine with me so long as his hand are on my body as soon as humanly (or vampirely) possible.
I take a slow, hesitant step forward as I continue soaking in the sight of his perfect body.
I want to drop to my knees in front of him and worship the beauty that he is. I want to make him lose this needing-to-be-in-control-of-everything façade.
I want to make him lose control and completely surrender himself to me.
I want to take him in my mouth and hear him moan my name in that husky tone that's reserved for only me.
I want him to bury his hands in my hair and rock his hips, fucking my mouth.
I want him to relinquish himself to me and remember that I will always help him carry the hard things life throws at us.
I want him to come so hard that this wall of control and tension crashes down until all that's left is my carefree, sweet Jacob again.
I slowly step forward again. Jacob doesn't move, but I notice his body slightly shaking. He balls his hands into fists at his sides, and I notice the tension in his jaw as he clamps his teeth together.
Is he trying not to shift? Why is he so tense? Is he angry at me?
I stop and look up at him hesitantly. I raise my eyebrows in question. He gives me a stiff nod, indicating it's okay for me to come closer.
I take two more steps then stop only inches away from him. Keeping eye contact, I slowly begin to kneel down.
As soon as I'm on my knees in front of him, preparing to reach out and take him in my mouth, a loud ringing sound goes off, startling us both.
I look up to see Jacob closing his eyes tightly. He shakes his head then turns away from me and walks over to his nightstand where he unplugs his phone and holds it up to his ear.
"Hello?" His beautiful, husky voice says.
I'm momentarily stunned.
Did Jacob just chose answering his phone over receiving a blow job?
What… what just happened?
I stare down at the ground in front of me for a second. When I feel emotion welling up in my chest, I quickly stand and bolt for the bathroom. I close the door hastily behind me and lock it. I turn on the shower before leaning against the wall and sliding down. I fold my arms on top of my knees and burrow my head in them, pulling myself into a tight little ball.
Then I cry.
. . . . . . . .
When I get out of the shower, I hesitantly open the bathroom door and look into the bedroom. Jacob's not there. I tiptoe to the bedroom door and peek out into the living room then walk toward the kitchen.
He's gone.
More tears fill my eyes, but I blink them away.
I turn and walk back into the bathroom where I get dressed, brush my teeth, and dry my hair.
While applying my usual makeup, I decide that giving Jacob space is probably the best thing I can do right now. I'm not allowing my body to control our interactions any longer. He has every right to be angry with me, and I don't want to push him and make him more upset. I will follow his lead from now on.
I sigh as I apply my chapstick then walk over to the closet to pull on my shoes. I'm going to go see my Grandma Esme and my aunts. Maybe I can fight with my uncles. Yes, I want to spar with them; it's been far too long, and I want to make it part of my daily routine again.
I grab a banana from the kitchen, grateful I went to the store yesterday because all that was here prior was moldy bread and empty take-out containers.
I peel the banana, grab my purse, and make my way outside. I turn around to lock the door then jump out of my skin when I turn back around. I throw my banana right into his chest and step my left foot forward automatically, straight into a fighting stance. The training from my uncles will always be front and center in my mind.
"Hey," Jacob says as he catches the banana I launched at him. He holds it out to me, so I reach forward and take it. Has he been here the entire time?
When I don't say anything, he reaches forward and puts his index finger under my chin, tilting my head back to meet his gaze.
His expression is definitely less severe, but there's still a careful, cautious mask he's wearing.
"I'm sorry," he says softly. "I guess I don't know how to be with you now either." I nod once then break away from his gaze by closing my eyes and moving my head to the side. He drops his hand.
"You were shaking earlier, like you were trying not to shift. Why?" I ask quietly.
He presses his lips together and runs a hand through his hair nervously. "You… smell different," he says cautiously. "It puts some innate part of me into this primal, envious frenzy… Although I still felt in control, I was thankful when Leah called. Better safe than sorry."
I smell different? What? I don't know what that means at all. How could I smell different? Unless… unless, is it something to do with me sleeping with that Steven guy? I remember Jacob telling me once that our combined scent after sex is the most calming thing to the wolf part of him. Is my scent thrown off from Steven?
Oh my god.
I blush at this potential realization.
There's all kinds of weird scent stuff with werewolves. Can Jake tell I slept with someone else? Should I come clean about it right now? I truly want to tell him everything. I want to completely open up to him… But is now the right time?
It's quiet for several more seconds as I ponder how to proceed. Eventually, Jacob clears his throat and says, "Will you still fix my hair?"
"Right now?" I squeak.
He shrugs and slips his hands into his pockets in a nervous gesture. "Or later. It doesn't matter. Were you going somewhere?"
"I was just going to see my family, maybe fight with my uncles, play the piano for my grandma. But I can go this afternoon instead."
I'll take any time I can get with Jacob at this point, so before he can change my mind, I turn around and fumble to unlock the front door. I set my purse and keys down then make my way toward the bathroom while I finish my banana. I toss the peel into the trash can, set my phone down on the counter, and begin rummaging through one of the bottom drawers for the hair clippers.
Jacob walks in behind me with a chair from the kitchen. He sets it down in front of the counter and plops down into it. I set everything out on the counter – hair clippers, scissors, comb, and spray bottle.
Jacob reaches back and pulls the elastic out of his hair. He had it tied back messily because of how long it is. He pulls his shirt up over his head and tosses it outside the bathroom.
Standing behind him, I catch his gaze in the mirror and give him a small smile before reaching to run my fingers through his hair a few times. His eyes close. He leans further back into the chair, like his body is finally beginning to relax. It's a totally different reaction from the one earlier when I was getting close to him.
I continue sliding my fingers through his still-damp hair and begin massaging his scalp. A low, almost inaudible moan escapes from back in his throat. The sound sets my body on high alert. I love making Jacob's body respond like this.
When he finally blinks his eyes open, I reach for the spray bottle and wet his hair before grabbing the comb and brushing it through his thick, jagged strands.
I ask him how short he wants his hair, and he just shrugs and tells me I can decide. We're silent as I get to work. I decide to keep it long enough for him to pull back in that messy knot thing of his because it does things to me. And, plus, I know Jacob likes having his hair a little longer again.
I have so many things I want to say to him, so many things I want to ask him about, but I need to follow his lead like I decided earlier, so I stay quiet.
When I set the scissors down on the counter and reach for the comb again, my phone buzzes. I pick it up quickly, ensuring everything is okay. With Serena still out there, I'm constantly nervous for more bad news.
I smile when I see that it's Nahuel. Did everyone like the food yesterday?
Yes! Thanks again for helping me.
No problem.
I set my phone back down then run the comb through Jacob's hair.
"Who was that?" Jacob asks.
"Nahuel," I respond. "He helped me make the food for the pack yesterday."
Jacob makes a disapproving grunt. "Yeah, everyone was thinking how good the food was last night. I had to make sure they were talking about food you made."
"Careful. I'm the one with the scissors. I could cut a large chunk of your hair out if provoked." I joke as I wave the comb at him. Are we going to be normal like this again – bantering back and forth?
His expression seems to soften a little. "You two close now?"
I shrug, thinking back to Rachel's insinuation about Nahuel. Is that what Jacob's worried about, too? Is he jealous or worried that Nahuel is more than just my friend? Does he think that's why I smell different?
"I guess we're close, yeah," I pause for a moment. "We're just friends, though, Jake… You know, he stopped drinking blood after meeting my family. He only eats human food now, which is why he's so good at cooking."
I reach for the scissors again as he responds with just a, "hmm."
I'm not sure why it feels so important for Jacob to like Nahuel, but it does. So, I try again, "He said he doesn't want to be a monster like his father. He's fiercely protective of his aunt and sister, Maysun, and her family. He… Well, I guess he reminds me of you in some ways, actually. I think you both would really get along."
Jacob looks up. Our eyes lock in the mirror again. He shakes his head slightly. "I don't think so."
I'm confused by the harsh undertone in his words. Jacob interacted with Nahuel once all those years ago and that's it. How can he know they wouldn't get a long? Does he think Nahuel and I are more than just friends? Or is it because he's part vampire? Does his prejudice runs that deep? Nahuel is a hybrid like me…
We both stay quiet after that while I finish his haircut. When I'm done, I set everything on the counter before putting my hands on his shoulders and leaning forward so my cheek presses against the side of his head. He stiffens and takes in a sharp breath.
Looking in the mirror at him, I ask, "What do you think?"
"It's better. Thanks."
"Much better," I amend, giving his shoulders a light squeeze.
He just nods before standing up and walking toward the bathroom door. He says over his shoulder, "I gotta get back. Just so you know, one of us is always patrolling near the cabin just as an extra safety precaution due to Serena's threat. If you leave, one of us will trail close behind."
I roll my eyes. "I can take care of –"
"Yeah, I know you can take care of yourself." Jacob bites out. "You've made that abundantly clear. Just humor me for once, would you, please?"
I turn and glare at him. "Why don't you say what you really want to say, Jake?"
His hands ball into fists and the trembling starts along his spine. "Because I don't want to hurt you."
I take a step toward him. "I'm sure what you're thinking isn't worse than what I already think about myself, so go ahead. Fucking say it."
He softens at my comment. He runs a hand through his hair, closing his eyes for a second. When his hand drops, he murmurs, "Sorry, Ness."
Then he turns and leaves. The last thing I hear is the front door slamming shut behind him.
Sighing, I clean up the bathroom then head to my family's main house.
I spend the remainder of the afternoon with my vampire family. My Aunt Rosalie braids my hair. My Aunt Alice chats with me about some new clothing designs she's working on. I play the piano with my dad while my Grandma Esme hovers close behind, absorbing the music she loves so much. My mom tells me about a new book she thinks I will like. My Uncle Emmett and Uncle Jasper spar with me outside for a few hours until I'm exhausted.
I show my family the new part of my talent, and each of them is amazed, just like my parents were yesterday.
When I finally decide to head home, it's late in the evening. I catch a glimpse of Quil in the trees and roll my eyes. I guess Jacob doesn't know about my newfound power yet, but it's still insulting he thinks I need constant protection. Maybe my dad had something to do with it, too. I silently groan while making my way home.
Jacob's not home when I get there. I change into my pajamas, eat some of yesterday's leftovers, and crawl into bed soon after that. Even though it feels wrong to be in this bed without Jake, I'm not sleeping outside with him after his reactions to me today. He seems to be fighting with some inner demons or something, so I'm not going to push our relationship on him.
I guess he'll talk to me when he's ready.
. . . . . . . .
The next month passes in a blur.
Brady's funeral was the day after I cut Jacob's hair. He had to arrive at the small church on the reservation early and didn't ask me to join him, so I went with my parents.
It was incredibly sad to see Brady's family and the rest of the wolf pack. My dad said he really struggled during the service and lunch afterwards because of how gut-wrenching everyone's pain was.
Since the funeral, Jacob and I have barely talked. I've left the ball in his court because I don't want to push him. He still sleeps outside, but we see each other briefly every morning when he comes inside to take a shower. I make us coffee, and we usually sit in the living room and drink it together. We don't talk about anything of importance.
I haven't told him anything about my trip. That means he knows nothing about my new power, my friendship with Nahuel and Senna, the healing I've done, or about me sleeping with Steven.
Feeling desperate, a few days ago I asked my dad what Jacob's mind has been like lately. He flipped the question around and asked why I haven't used my power to see for myself. I told him how it feels like an invasion of privacy. He said me asking him was also an invasion of privacy. Touché, dad.
I even tried asking Leah if Jacob was okay, and she told me just to give him some time.
When I'm not drinking coffee with Jake for those precious twenty minutes every morning, I'm training with my uncles, hanging with Leah and checking in on the rest of the pack, or at the cottage with my parents.
I decided I want to go to graduate school, so I applied to the master's program for social work. All the work I did with Senna made me realize I want to learn more about helping people. I should hear back in a couple weeks if I'm accepted or not.
Nothing new has occurred with Serena and Joham. We don't have any leads on this mystical dagger situation either. My family has been researching and reaching out to friends to see if anyone has heard about the dagger or if they know where it may be, but they have no new information.
That's why I'm surprised when I finish my workout with my uncles this morning and pick up on a vampire and hybrid scent as I'm walking back to the cabin to shower.
Before I even have time to process that I know those scents, Seth darts out of the trees and is instantly in front of me. Jacob's still having me trailed everywhere by one of the wolves.
"Seth, it's okay!" I yell at him. "It's Nahuel and his aunt, Hulien!"
I had no idea they were coming. Why are they here? I don't care why, but I'm instantly ecstatic. I've missed Nahuel so much. We usually text a little every day and talk on the phone a little, but I've really missed his friendship.
"I think the trail leads back to my family's house," I tell Seth excitedly. "I'm going to go see what they're doing here."
Seth howls loudly before jumping in front of me when I turn to walk back. I grimace at him and try again, but he blocks me.
"Seth, seriously, I know it's them. There's no threat!"
He growls and shakes his head at me.
"Is Jacob making you block me?"
He looks down. His shoulders rise then fall in a shrug. I narrow my eyes.
"Tell Jake I love him, but he can shove it." I say before quickly leaping over Seth and taking off in the trees back toward my family's house, following the scent trail. Seth is right behind me, but he hasn't caught up yet.
As soon as I break through the trees, I see all my family outside talking to Nahuel and Hulien. Nahuel has my large duffel bag slung over his shoulder. I want to cry when I see him because I'm so happy he's here.
Even though being back with my family has been great, it's just nice to have someone exactly like me around. Nahuel and I relate to each other so much because we're both hybrids, but also because I think he's my friend soulmate.
I rush up the lawn and throw my arms around Nahuel once I'm close enough, wrapping him in a tight hug. He laughs as he hugs me back.
"What are you doing here?" I demand. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"
"I needed to bring your stuff to you. I wanted to surprise you."
"You could have mailed it."
He shrugs. "I wanted to see you."
I grin then hug him one more time before releasing him and pulling Hulien into an embrace as well. When I pull away, I notice Hulien's frigid stare by the trees where Seth is.
"He's harmless," my dad reassures Hulien. "He's just ensuring Nessie's safety."
"Why don't we all head inside?" My grandpa suggests.
"Yes. It's been far too long. Come inside and let us catch up." My grandma says as she and my grandpa walk to the front door, ushering everyone inside.
I grab Nahuel's hand when he starts to walk toward the door. "Give us a sec." I say when my mom turns around with a questioning look. She nods as she follows everyone else inside.
When it's just Nahuel and me, he drops my duffel bag on the porch and smiles. "Is that Jacob over there?" He nods his head toward the trees.
"No, that's Seth. I wish it was Jake."
He looks at me questioningly. "Why is Seth guarding you?"
"I guess we haven't talked about all this yet… But Serena was the one who killed my friend, Brady. Apparently, she also threatened to harm me if the wolf pack doesn't stay out of her way. She thinks my family has that dagger Joham wants. Jacob's just being overprotective and always has one of the wolves trailing me to ensure my safety."
Nahuel's jaw clenches, and his face turns red. "She won't fucking hurt you or any more of your friends. I'll be sure of it," he says through gritted teeth. "I'm so sorry, Nessie."
I put a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. It's not your fault."
He continues fuming for a several seconds until his gaze goes over my shoulder. Almost automatically, I feel his shoulder relax under my palm. The tension melts out of his expression, and his eyes slightly widen – not in fear, but maybe in wonderment or curiously.
I drop my hand and turn to follow his line of sight. Leah is sitting by the break in the trees, several yards away from where Seth was. I look around, but no longer see him anywhere.
"Who is that?" Nahuel asks in a dreamy sort of way. I glance back at him skeptically. He's staring at Leah in this weird trance-like way. When I turn to glance back at Leah, she also has a vulnerable, doe-eyed expression that's not at all like her.
"That's Leah. I'm not sure why she's here, actually. She's usually only patrolling at night. She must have heard Seth's howl earlier and came to check on him."
"Leah…" He trails off. "Was she part of the pack when I came here all those years ago?"
I nod. "Yes."
Still not taking his eyes off her, he mutters, "I guess I didn't see her then… God, she's beautiful."
A huge grin breaks out across my face because I think I know what's happening between the two of them right now. Leah just –
"Nessie!" I hear Seth call my name. I turn around and see him walking up the opposite side of the porch in his human form.
When he's close enough, I introduce Nahuel and Seth. They shake hands quickly because Nahuel still seems distracted. Seth, trying to be nonchalant, gestures between Leah and Nahuel. He smirks and nods his head, confirming my exact thought from just a moment ago.
"Listen," Seth says once our silent, somewhat subtle moment is over. "Jake's gonna kill me for this later, but I don't care. He got here a minute or two before Leah. Long story short, he got upset when he saw you and Nahuel. He ran back to the cabin, and shifted into his human form after giving Leah and me orders to stay here and guard you just to be safe. He has the rest of day shift patrolling to ensure it's only Nahuel and Hulien here."
"Why did he get upset?" I ask. "Because I ran from you?"
Seth shrugs. "He should be the one to tell you, but… He's beating himself up over everything and feels like he doesn't deserve you anymore. He… he keeps thinking of himself as damaged. He just… He needs you right now. I don't think he'll let anyone else check on him."
My stomach twists uncomfortably. Jacob thinks he's damaged? I feel like someone just punched me in the gut because I know that feeling so well, and I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy.
I swallow loudly before nodding at Seth. I tell Nahuel I'll catch up with him later, but I'm not even sure he heard me. He just mumbles an "okay" before I sprint into the trees and run back to the cabin as quickly as possible.
I throw the front door open and glance around before spotting Jacob in the kitchen. He's holding a glass of water, staring out the little window above the kitchen sink. He doesn't turn when I walk into the room.
"Jake," I say quietly from the doorway. He glances over his shoulder briefly.
"What are you doing here, Ness?" Jacob asks harshly.
"You were at my family's house, but you left."
He downs the rest of the water in his cup before banging it down loudly on the counter. "I saw you with him."
I stare at him, utterly confused by his reaction. "Who? Nahuel?"
He rolls his eyes. "Yes."
"He just came to drop off the rest of the stuff I left in Chile."
"That's the only reason he came. Right," Jacob snorts sarcastically and shakes his head, unconvinced. Apparently he shifted back before noticing what just happened between Leah and Nahuel.
Regardless, his reaction makes me fume. I've been more than patient with him since I've gotten home. I want to mend things with him, but not when he's in a mood like this.
I'm done playing nice. I square my shoulders and take a step closer to him. "Why don't you tell me what's really on your mind, Jake?"
He doesn't miss a beat as he turns around to face me. "Your smile."
My brows furrow in utter confusion because I wasn't expecting that answer at all. "What?"
"You smile at him, Nessie," Jacob says, his voice shaking with a mixture of anger and anguish. "I haven't seen you smile at me like that in months. But he can make you smile. He can make you happy."
I'm quiet for a moment as I process Jacob's words. Things with Nahuel are just… easy. There's no baggage in my friendship with him, so it's easy to be happy when I'm around him. It used to be that way with Jacob before the miscarriages and the sexual assault that happened to Avery. I want to put in the effort to get back to that good place with him. I want Jacob to be the person that makes me laugh and smile more than anyone else in the world.
I'm still contemplating how to communicate all this to Jacob when his body begins to shake. He balls his hands into fists and closes his eyes tightly. I can tell he's taking some deep breaths and trying to control the anger he's feeling.
I don't want to make it worst by explaining, so I stay quiet and wait for him to regain some of his composure.
A few seconds later, he opens his eyes and says through clenched teeth, "Did you play house with him in Chile? Is that why he came after you? Did you fuck him? His goddamn scent is all over you, Nessie, and so is someone else's!"
I thought I was angry at him before, but now I'm livid. Jacob has every right to be upset with me, but not like this.
My face feels hot, my jaw is tense, and if my murderous glare could cause harm, it would likely injure Jacob.
My own hands ball into fists as I take another step toward him. I want to punch him. Hard. But, somehow, I refrain. "What if I did fuck him or someone else?" I spit out tauntingly.
He growls in frustration, and his body starts shaking even more. I know I shouldn't have said that, but it slipped out in my moment of rage.
He closes his eyes for a second and the shaking slows. "I bet he also likes that little sighing noise you make right before you come, huh?"
I narrow my eyes at him. If he's going to be an ass, I'm going to dish it back to him. I'm tired of playing nice because it's getting us no where. "Little? Oh. No sound I made with him was little."
Jacob's body shakes again, and his jaw clenches. His muscles are tight and straining everywhere, which is making my body react in interesting ways… Heat begins pooling in my core as I become hyperaware of Jacob's body; he's only a few feet from me, but that suddenly feels like miles. My body is screaming to be connected to his even though he's struggling to stay in this human body.
"You belong to me, Renesmee." Jacob snarls as he takes a step forward. We're only inches apart now. "I'm going fucking insane smelling someone else all over you."
"First of all, I don't fucking belong to anyone; I'm not property, so stop being such a possessive alphahole," I narrow my eyes at him. "Second of all, you are the only one who's ever had my heart, you jealous idiot!"
As soon as the words leave my mouth, he growls and lunges at me.
Chapter 17
Notes:
A/N: Alright, alright! Here's the chapter I think you've all been waiting for… Just don't hate me for the ending again. ;)
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"willow" by Taylor Swift
Wait for the signal, and I'll meet you after dark
Show me the places where the others gave you scars
Now this is an open-shut case
I guess I should have know from the look on your face
Every bait-and-switch was a work of art
The more that you say, the less I know
Wherever you stray, I follow
I'm begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans, that's my man
You know that my train could take you home
Anywhere else is hollow
RPOV
"You belong to me, Renesmee." Jacob snarls as he takes a step forward. We're only inches apart now. "I'm going fucking insane smelling someone else all over you."
"First of all, I don't fucking belong to anyone; I'm not property, so stop being such a possessive alphahole," I narrow my eyes at him. "Second of all, you are the only one who's ever had my heart, you jealous idiot!"
As soon as the words leave my mouth, he growls and lunges at me.
His hands grip my hips as he backs me into the wall. He urgently crushes his body into my own. I'm already out of breath when I look up at him. A second later, his lips find mine and all coherent thought leaves my mind.
Nothing matters in this moment except Jacob's hard body pressing into me, his mouth claiming my own.
The kiss is urgent. Our lips move together hungrily, needing more, more, more. My hands tangle in his hair, pulling him closer as his tongue traces my bottom lip. I open my mouth to him and groan as our tongues dance to a quick tempo.
One of his hands travels up my body to cup my breast. I gasp, which gives him the opportunity to break away from my lips and kiss behind my ear.
"You have new curves I can't wait to get lost in," Jacob whispers huskily, causing me to shiver.
He's right about my curves. I was skin and bones before I left. Now, my breasts and hips are even fuller than before the miscarriages; that's what Nahuel's cooking will do to you.
His other hand travels down from my hip and slips in between my legs. His fingers move teasingly before circling around that little bundle of nerves. Even through my clothes, the sensation is heavenly. I widen my stance and arch into his hand.
I tilt my head back and moan. His mouth attacks my neck. "I can feel how wet you are even through your clothes," he murmurs. "I love that I do this to you."
"All you have to do is look at me and my panties are instantly wet and falling off." I breathlessly reply. Jacob chuckles. The beautiful, easy sound gives me goosebumps.
He reaches down to grip the bottom of my shirt. As soon as he pulls it up and off, I strip off the remainder of my clothes hastily until I'm clad in only my underwear. He moans as his eyes travel down to my breasts. He quickly removes his shorts and boxers, so I slip my underwear down my legs and kick the garment to the side.
He lunges back toward me, this time griping my hips and lifting me up. I wrap my legs around him. He pushes my back roughly into the wall, and our lips crash together. One of his hands squeezes my ass while the other cups my breast. He pinches my nipple in between his fingers and a loud moan escapes my mouth.
"Fuck," Jake murmurs. "Your body…" He pauses as he leans down to tease my other nipple with his tongue. Heat rushes to my core, so I buck my hips into him, craving friction.
"Your body is sexier than ever, Ness. Your tits are so full now… I could get lost in them forever." He moves his arm so both of his hands are grabbing at my ass. I rest my hands on his shoulders. He lifts me up a little higher so my breasts are closer to his line of sight. He stares at them for a moment then he leans forward and attacks one of my nipples – flicking his tongue, sucking, grazing his teeth, making my breast jiggle. I am writhing with pleasure and need as he makes his way to my other breast.
"Jake," I whisper. God, have I ever been this horny? I need Jacob. I need him now. I need his tongue or cock running through my folds. I need release, and I need it from him right now before I explode.
"Mmm, still impatient, huh?" Jacob murmurs before resting his face right in between my breasts. He plants a few kisses there. "Shit, Ness. Shake 'em around my face, baby. I want to be smothered by your beautiful tits." I smirk, loving how much Jacob's enjoying my curvier body.
I grab my breasts and lean slightly forward. I shake them back and forth around his face for a few seconds before he groans and captures one of my nipples in his mouth again.
Fuck.
I'm so wound up already. I need friction in other areas.
"Jake, please. Please. I need you."
He groans again then lifts his head from my chest. He grips my hips and lifts me higher. I'm not sure what he's doing at first until he says, "Rest your legs on my shoulders, baby."
Oh my god.
Jacob's going to feast on me in this position? With my back pressing into the wall, my legs flopped over his shoulders, while he's still standing?
Fuck, this is different.
And hot as hell.
I do as he instructs. I place my hands in his hair, needing some place to hold on to in order to keep my balance. Jacob's hands are holding me perfectly steady, though – one on my waist and the other cupping my ass again. Apparently he likes that new curve, too.
"Fuck, Ness. Your pussy's even more gorgeous than I remembered." He lowers his head and kisses my inner thighs. "I can't wait to bend you over and thoroughly inspect your ass later."
After some sucks and nibbles on my thighs, his tongue finally, finally connects with my clit in a tantalizingly soft, slow flick.
"Jake!" I shriek as I buck my hips toward his mouth, needing more. "God, please keep going."
"Say it," Jacob says before his tongue barely touches that throbbing bundle of nerves again. He goes back to kissing my thighs.
No, no, no…
The teasing is driving me mad as he does it again and again and again – his tongue barely grazing my clit before he moves away and kisses my outer lips or inner thighs.
I'm going to burst from the anticipation.
"Say it, Ness."
"Fuck, Jake... Say what?" I'm finally able to choke out. "You're killing me!"
"That you're mine. Please. I need to hear you say it."
I sigh as his tongue teases me again. I won't be able to take much more of this. I tug on his hair. "Jacob, look at me."
He doesn't move his mouth from my center as he glances up. Fuck, it's hot as hell to see him looking at me when he's buried between my legs. If his tongue was where I needed it, I think I would have climaxed just from his smoldering gaze.
"I am yours, Jake," I tell him breathlessly. "I am yours, baby. I always have been. I always will be. There's no one else. It's only you."
His muscles relax, and I swear I see moisture cloud his vision. He holds my gaze for a moment as he licks me.
And it's not a teasing lick this time. No, it's a steady, strong, and determined thrust of his tongue.
He completely devours me, and I begin to lose myself in him.
He lifts his head, causing me to moan in protest. He gives me a wicked grin before reaching up to cup my breast and tease my nipple again. I throw my head back against the wall.
"That's right, baby. Remember that I'm the only one that can drive you wild like this," he says in a husky, low voice that does absolutely nothing to help me regain a semblance of composure. "I'm going to bury my face between your perfect thighs again and make you come. Then I'm going to fuck you with my cock and make you come again as a reminder of what only I can do to you," I whine as he teases my other nipple. "You are going to scream my name, understood?"
"God, Jake… Yes. Yes." I mumble incoherently. "Please. Make me come now. I… I just need you."
He situates himself between my legs, but this time he supports my ass with one arm so he can use his other hand to tease my nipple. As he circles his tongue around my clit, he moves his hand down from my breast and pumps two fingers inside me. "Is this what you want, baby?"
"Yes! Yes, Jake." I say breathlessly. "You know my body so well."
His mouth continues with the expert licks and sucks and nibbles. His strong fingers move in and out of me quicker and quicker.
My own fingers dig deeper into his hair. I plant my feet against his back as I lift my hips slightly and begin rocking along his tongue. All my muscles begin to tighten, my toes curling against his back, my head dipping back…
Closer and closer and closer…
Release rips through me like a goddamn tornado. My screams fill the room, every one of them being Jacob's name.
Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck…
Part of me forgot how intense sex with Jacob is since he knows my body like the back of his motherfucking hand.
I slump forward and Jacob supports my weight before untangling my legs from around his shoulders and pulling me down until he's gracefully cradling me in his arms. He plants kisses in my hair as he very quickly walks into the living room and lays me on the large, shaggy rug. He crawls on top of me.
"You still have the IUD?" Jacob asks.
I nod. "Yes."
"Thank fuck," he mutters. "I need to feel all of you."
"Fuck. Get inside me, Jake. Now." I say breathlessly. "I need your cock pounding into me."
He groans and attacks my mouth in an urgent kiss before moving down to kiss my neck again.
I grab for him hurriedly, needing him to fill me up. I'm in a trance-like frenzy as I reach between us and position him at my entrance. I dig my fingers into his back as I try to pull him up so he'll slide into me. When that doesn't work, I try shifting my hips down. That doesn't work either because Jacob's being too still.
Why isn't he thrusting into me? Why is he taking so goddamn long? I need this. I need him. I whine in frustration.
"Ness," Jacob whispers. I whimper and continue wiggling underneath him, trying desperately to pull his cock into my aching entrance. I need this connection.
"Renesmee, look at me," Jacob insists as he cups my face and sweeps his thumb across my cheek. I take a deep breath and focus my gaze on his.
He leans down to kiss me. The kiss is soft, slow, and incredibly sweet. When he pulls away, he's looking at me intensely. He pushes forward, and the tip of his cock enters me. I grip the sides of his body and try to pull him all the way in, but he's still again.
"Open your eyes," he whispers. "I want to see you."
I flutter my eyes open and glance up at him. He slowly inches into me again. We never break eye contact as he enters me fully. I feel incredibly raw and vulnerable moving this slowly, maintaining this eye contact.
Once he's fully inside me, he pauses. "You're mine."
"I'm yours," I vow. "And you're mine?"
"Yes, baby. You have all of me. Forever." He says adoringly before kissing me sweetly.
After the kiss, he's done being slow. He pulls out of me and thrusts back in roughly.
Good god.
I forgot what it felt like to have him inside me. I moan and spread my legs wider, trying to open up to him as much as possible.
As he continues to pump in and out of me, he leans his head down and pulls my nipple into his mouth.
I start meeting his thrusts, feeling myself build again. I squeeze Jacob's bicep and dig my fingernails into his hip. "Jacob," I say. "Oh, Jake, I'm about to…"
"Fuck. Yes. Come again for me, Ness. Let me watch and hear you." He pounds into me again and again, and I'm a goner. I surrender everything to the man above me. The man I will never, ever get enough of. The only man I'll ever truly want and need.
It's right here, in this very moment, that I realize how I will never leave Jacob again. I thought me leaving was what needed to happen to avoid hurting him more.
But that's what love is, right?
In order to love someone unconditionally and wholeheartedly, you have to embrace the pain that will always accompany the adoration.
As Jacob finds his loud release right after me, I open my eyes and watch him. I memorize the way his face contorts with pleasure. I memorize his scent. I memorize how his heavy body feels as it presses into mine.
I memorize it all because I want to have this memory the rest of my life – me completely and absolutely allowing myself to choose and love Jacob Black despite the things we cannot give to each other.
He's breathing heavily into my neck now as he whispers over and over, "I love you, I love you…" His warm, jagged breath tickles against my neck, giving me goosebumps.
He finally lifts his head, pulls out of me, and flops onto the rug beside me. We're both lying still, eyes closed, basking in this post-connection glow. The only sound in the room is our smooth, accelerated breaths.
We both open our eyes and tilt our heads to look at the other at the same time, causing us both to chuckle. The sound is so easy and genuine that I feel emotion bubble up inside me because I feared Jake and I would never get this easygoingness back.
Jacob must feel the same way because he says, "God, Ness. There was a time I thought I'd never hear your laugh again."
I'm not ready to be disconnected from him yet, so I sit up and swing my leg across his body. I situate myself so I'm straddling him. I cup his face and look down at him. We both smile before I lean forward and kiss him with as much love and sweetness as I can muster.
I kiss and nibble his neck, his ear, across his collarbones. I feel him instantly harden under me again. As I continue kissing him, I show him how I want round two because I'm still ravenous for him. I show him how I want to make up for all the lost time.
"Mmm," Jacob cups my face and pulls me back to look at him. "I am going to fuck and make love to you for a week straight. You're not going to be able to walk when we're both finally satisfied enough that we can get dressed."
"I think you'll be satisfied way before I am." I say with a sly smile.
"Oh yeah?" He chuckles. "Is that a challenge?"
"Oh, I'm always challenging you. Or have you forgotten?" I smirk before scrambling down his body. I position my breasts around his cock and stroke him that way a few times, knowing it's something that used to drive him insane.
"Fuuuuck," Jacob groans, letting me know it still does, in fact, drive him insane.
I scoot further down and kiss his length, causing him to take in a sharp breath.
"Nessie," he breathlessly mutters. I take as much of him in my mouth as I can and bob my head slowly. He groans and buries his hands in my hair, gently guiding my head. "And you think I'm going to be satisfied before you? Christ, that's never going to happen, baby."
I stroke him with my hand as I reply, "Good."
Using my hand and mouth, I continue stroking and sucking him the way he likes. The noises he's making are driving me fucking wild with need. I reach down with my free hand and start to rub myself.
Jacob's hands told my face tightly, stopping my movements. I look up at him and silently communicate that I'm fully intending to get him off this way. I want the taste of his release to linger on my tongue.
"Turn around," he says gruffly. "I need you on my tongue, too."
I flip around quickly, now facing toward his legs, and scoot my hips up toward him. He grips my ass and positions me right above his mouth before beginning his expert licks and flicks.
Fuck. We haven't sixty-nined in a long, long time. I forgot how hot it is.
I moan as I continue sucking and stroking him with my mouth and hand. I rock my hips along his tongue, feeling myself build already.
"Are you close, baby?" Jacob asks. "Because, fuck… I'm about to…"
I suck and stroke him quicker as he continues to devour me. His body tightens even more. I move my hips quicker, building and building and building…
His cock stifles my moans of pleasure as release rips through me for the third time in less than an hour. I think Jacob was waiting the best he could to come at the same time as me. He moans along with me, and a second later his cum fills my mouth. I swallow every last drop of him before collapsing down, resting my head on his thigh as I catch my breath.
After several seconds, I finally find enough energy to turn myself around and burrow into his side, resting my head on his chest. I tilt my head back and reach up to cup his face.
We stare at each other for a moment before he leans in to kiss me.
And that's what slowly starts up round three.
One of the great things about being half vampire is that I only need a minute or two of recovery time before being fully ready for another round of sex. The same is true for Jake with his werewolf abilities.
We spend the entirety of the day wrapped up in each other, making up for lost time, making up for the heartache that's haunted us. Every time we finish, it's as if I'm even hungrier for him. I showed him the feeling I was having, and he said he felt the same.
We took a break around dinner time so Jacob could phase and check in with the pack members on day watch. He told them he will be MIA for a couple days. Then he sent Leah a text message to let her know too since she wasn't on patrol when he shifted. Jacob said she was only there this morning because she heard Seth's howl and came to check on him.
After taking care of some responsibilities, we scarfed down food as quickly as possible before deciding we probably needed to shower.
Of course, that meant showering together.
I soaped up Jacob's loofah and slowly cleaned every inch of him. He did the same for me. I washed his hair, and he attempted the wash mine, but I had to help since my hair is so long.
Then we just held each other under the steaming water before Jacob turned me around, my back to his front. He pinched my nipples with one hand and teased my clit with the other. Then he bent me over and took me from behind until we were both panting from release.
When we get out of the shower, even though it's a little counterintuitive, I suggest we take a bath together. When my Grandma Esme designed the cabin for us, she made sure everything would accommodate Jacob's massive size, and the bathtub is no exception.
Jacob agrees, so I run the water, throw in some bubbles and bath salts, light the candles, and we both get in – him on one end and me on the other. I smirk, wondering how long the small distance between us will last.
As if having the same thought, Jacob catches my eye and smirks back. He reaches for my foot and massages it with his hands. I smile and lean my head back against the tub, closing my eyes.
We still haven't talked about anything yet. I'm not sure either of us knows how to start the conversation, or maybe we've just been too wrapped up in this sexual frenzy that words haven't been the priority.
But I want to talk to him now. I want to tell him everything. I want to be close to him in every way possible – physically, emotionally, intellectually… I want him to have all of me.
Something begins to slowly click in my mind… Senna said the rest of my healing had to happen with Jacob. This must be the last piece of the puzzle.
But…
But if I let go of the pain and finish this part of my healing, does that mean I'm fully letting go of the babies I've lost, of the life I took, of the friend I lost?
It feels like the pain is a reminder of my losses. If the pain subsides, or leaves, does that mean I've fully let it all go? Does that mean I've fully forgiven myself? The pain feels like a way to honor the losses, in a way. Maybe this is what survivor guilt is?
But if I don't let go of the pain, it will haunt my relationship with Jacob, and we will never move forward. I feel caught between feeling like I should continue punishing myself and letting go to move forward.
Jacob releases my foot and the bath water ripples. I lift my head and open my eyes just as he cups my face and uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears I didn't notice had escaped from my eyes.
"What is it?" He asks quietly.
I stare at him and swallow. "I just… I… I'm not sure how we move forward together after everything's that's happened."
He stares at me intently for a moment. "I think we just decide to choose each other no matter what."
His words make me cry more. "But… Moving forward with you feels like I'm accepting the mistakes I've made, accepting the pain I've caused you…"
"Ness," Jacob says soothingly. "It doesn't have to be that black and white, does it?"
I swallow and look at him confusingly. He explains, "You keep thinking you have to be fully healed to… I don't know, deserve to be with me?" He shakes his head, like the thought is absurd. "We can still be sad and upset about everything that's happened and still choose to be together. We can choose to work through everything together instead of separately, can't we?"
He's right. Of course, he's right. I've been thinking this entire time that I need to be better before we can be fully be together again. I definitely think I needed time away from him because I was drowning in his pain, too, but now that it's manageable, we can choose to work through things together. I don't have to let go of my pain in order to move forward with him. Maybe I can let him help me carry my pain and vice versa.
I reach for him, holding his face, and pull his mouth to mine. We kiss soft and slow.
When he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine, I whisper, "I choose you, Jake. Now. Forever. Always."
He kisses me again before murmuring the same thing back, "And I choose you, Ness. Now. Forever. Always."
He settles back on his side of the tub and runs his fingers up and down my shin, like he can't stand the idea of not touching me in some way. We are silent for a few moments as I muster up the courage to start this needed conversation.
"Jake," I say quietly. I wait for him to look at me. "I want to tell you everything."
He nods. "Then tell me when you're ready, baby. I'm not going anywhere. No matter what you say."
"You've been so distant and angry with me since I got back, though. I'm not blaming you, but are you sure you're ready to hear about everything? I don't want you to go back into that shell."
"I was grappling with a few things…" He reaches up and runs a hand through his hair nervously. "Look, I know you slept with someone else, Ness. And… Well, it was driving me fucking insane to smell someone else on you. But I didn't want to make you feel guilty for that because… Because I want you to be with someone who you can have a baby with. If you just came back for the funeral and wanted to leave and be with someone else, I didn't want you to feel bad for making that decision."
"Jake," I say sternly. "I want your baby not a baby."
He nods, but doesn't seem fully convinced. "I was also just really struggling with everything that happened with Brady… I know you don't think it's my fault, but it is, Ness. I'm the leader of the pack. When mistakes happen, it's on me. And if I hadn't started drinking, Brady wouldn't have been in that fight. If I wasn't so lenient, I would have given him orders to back down earlier… I was just feeling too much shame to be around you. I felt damaged, like I didn't deserve you."
I scoot close enough in the tub so I can put my hands on his shoulders. "Jacob, your logic is so skewed. I can also sit here and say if I hadn't left, then you wouldn't have been drinking; therefore, it's really my fault all this happened."
He shakes his head. "No, it's not!"
"It's only Serena's fault, Jake. Not yours, not mine. She was trying to send a message. She would have hurt someone regardless of your actions or mine. And you're not damaged. Please don't think that about yourself. We've both made mistakes, but that doesn't make us damaged." He nods, but stays quiet.
"Are you still drinking a lot?" I ask after a moment.
"No," he shakes his head. "I haven't touched any alcohol since you got home… I'm sorry I've been so cold and distant."
I shrug. "I deserved it. Seems like all the sex helped, though, huh?" I say, trying to lighten the mood a little. "All that pent-up toxic masculinity just evaporated after a few orgasms?"
He throws his head back and laughs before leaning forward to peck my lips. "I think sex with you can fix just about anything, but especially my piss poor mood. It helps that your scent is mingled with mine again, that's for sure."
I smile tightly for a second then situate myself so I'm straddling him because I can't stand the idea of being on the opposite end of the tub while telling him everything. I need to be touching him. He wraps his arms around my back and pulls me into him.
I hold his face between my hands and search his eyes for a moment. I have to explain everything to him. I have to let him in. Fully let him in.
The only way to find repair in relationships is to be vulnerable and remorseful about your shortcomings. That's another thing Senna taught me.
Sensing my apprehension, Jacob nods once reassuringly. I hesitantly nod back before letting the memories flow. He closes his eyes, as if to fully concentrate on all that I'm going to share with him.
I show him how something inside me broke during the first miscarriage.
I show him how all of me broke after the second one.
I show him how badly I wanted to die after losing our babies. His grip tightens around my back and a tear escapes down his cheek.
I show him how it all felt like my fault, how I felt like there was something wrong with my body.
I show him how I overheard Kim telling Emily that imprinting is about the best gene match for offspring, so Jacob will likely imprint on someone else. He growls after seeing that memory, but stays quiet for me to continue.
I show him my conversation with my Aunt Rosalie – how she told me she would give up everything (even my Uncle Emmett) if it meant she could be human and have a child. I show him how I thought that was true for him after I saw how painful it was for him to realize he wouldn't be able to have a child with me.
I show him how I left because I wanted to give him an opportunity at a life with someone else, if what Kim suggested could truly happen.
I show him how I also left so I could figure out who I am outside of him and my family, which I was able to do in my friendship with Nahuel.
I show him my anguish over killing the man that was sexually assaulting Avery. I show him how guilty I still feel for putting him in the middle of me and his pack's values.
I show him my memories of Steven – how I met him on the plane and slept with him when I was somewhat intoxicated and trying to figure out how to escape from my pain in very unhealthy ways.
I show him all the training I did with Senna. I show him how I found out I can hear and manipulate thoughts without the other person knowing.
I show him everything about Nahuel. I show him how validating it feels to be close to someone who's exactly like me. I show him how Nahuel is only my best friend, nothing more has ever happened with him, and it never will. When he takes in a sharp breath, because Nahuel is a sore spot for some reason with him, I show him the looks on Nahuel's and Leah's faces earlier.
Jacob isn't able to stay quiet any longer as his eyes burst open and find mine. "Leah imprinted on him!?"
I smile and shrug. I guess he wasn't phased long enough earlier to find out what exactly happened this morning between Leah and Nahuel. "I'm not entirely sure. Seth seemed to confirm it when I saw him, but I left to come find you before officially finding out."
Jacob stares at me for a moment then starts laughing. Like, uncontrollable, double-over laughing.
I watch him skeptically for a second, but when he reaches for my hand, like he's going to try to calm down to explain, another laughing fit overtakes him. I can't help myself as I join in.
I don't know how long we sit there laughing, but it's a least a few minutes.
"Ness," Jacob says through another chuckle. "Oh, you realize this means we are stuck with Leah and Nahuel forever, right? Your family better find a bigger house for all of us. Out of everyone in the pack, of course I would be stuck with Leah for eternity."
"Hey! Be nice!" I smack his arm somewhat playfully and frown. "Leah's great!"
"Sure, sure. It's just funny how life works sometimes."
"I guess they never saw each other all those years ago when the Volturi was here?"
"Leah loathed all the vampires that were here. She wouldn't have even glanced their way… Wow," Jacob says as he reaches up and rubs the back of his head.
"What?"
"I guess my dad and Sam's theory might be right. I just didn't believe it because it didn't make sense."
"What theory?"
He shakes his head before explaining, "Well, after the miscarriages, I met with Sam and my dad. They said there is an old legend about a 'Mighty Alpha'," he uses finger quotations and rolls his eyes before continuing. "The legend says that, eventually, when the strongest Alpha of the pack is found, they are to remain the pack's leader forever, essentially. The legend never made much sense because everyone in previous packs would eventually stop shifting to live out their human life with their human imprint. But with you and Nahuel being immortal…"
My expression must show how confused I am about why all these things go together, so he continues to explain, "They thought that meant eventually a pack leader wouldn't imprint on anyone and would just keep phasing indefinitely. But after the miscarriages and the testing Carlisle did, they said that maybe I was this 'Mighty Alpha' since it wouldn't make sense for me to imprint on you otherwise."
I stare at him, dumbfounded. "And you never told me about this!? Why!?"
"Why would I?" He laughs. "It's ridiculous, Ness. Me? Being the most powerful pack leader in existence? C'mon."
"It's not ridiculous! Jacob –"
He cuts me off. "Ness, I was drunk off my ass the entire time you were gone. Brady died because of my shitty leadership. I'm not a good Alpha. Maybe that's why Leah imprinted on Nahuel. She's really the one that's meant to be a leader, not me!"
I reach forward and hold his face in between my hands. "First of all, you've gotta stop blaming yourself for Brady's death. Second of all, you doubt yourself way too fucking much. You and Leah make the perfect team! Of course you would be a Mighty Alpha and Leah would be your Mighty Second or whatever it's called for her!"
Jacob shakes his head. "God, I bet she's pissed right now."
"Leah? Why?"
"Leah hates vampires, Ness. She likes you most of the time, but that's it. I can't imagine her imprinting on one."
Jacob reaches behind me and turns on the hot water again since it's getting a little cold.
"He's only half vampire," I say, feeling the need to defend Nahuel. I love Leah too, but she should give Nahuel a chance; he's the best. "I guess she can't really do anything about it now, can she? Isn't she going to be madly in love?"
Jacob shrugs. "You would think. But leave it to Leah to figure out a way to reject an imprint."
"Can that happen?"
"I don't think so. I'm just saying that Leah's stubborn. I can't imagine not being with you after imprinting, but if there's a way, Leah would figure it out."
I nod, trying to absorb all that Jacob's told me. "So, you imprinted on me for me, not because of my ability – or lack of ability – to pass on your wolfy gene, huh? Did I get that right, Mr. All Mighty Alpha?"
He laughs and leans forward to kiss me. "It was always just for you, Nessie." He kisses me again then rests his forehead against mine. "But I would have loved being a parent with you. I'm sorry I can't give that to you."
I sigh. "Me too."
He sits back up then reaches forward and holds my face between his hands. He waits to talk until I look up at him. "Please, please stop blaming yourself for the miscarriages. They were not your fault. It's both of us, not just you."
"I'll make you a deal," I say. "You work on not blaming yourself for Brady's death, and I'll work on not blaming myself for the miscarriages."
"And for killing that piece of shit that was assaulting Avery."
I nod. "Okay. I'll work on not blaming myself for that too. Deal?"
He smiles my favorite smile. "Deal."
I try to pull away from him, but he still holds my face, "And Kim was wrong. Imprinting is absolute. I could never imprint on anyone else. It's you, Ness. Only you."
I nod then lean forward and bury my face in his neck. Jacob reaches around me and turns the water off.
"You also didn't put me in the middle when you killed that prick for assaulting Avery. No one in the pack thinks what you did was wrong. They were a little repulsed that you killed him the way you did, sure, but that's it. He was going to rape her, Ness. Fuck him."
"That doesn't mean he deserved to die."
"You were protecting and avenging your friend." Jacob argues.
"She's not my friend anymore."
"I know." Jacob's arms tighten around me. "I'm sorry."
I shrug. I can't do anything about Avery. I just hope that one day she reaches back out to me. And if she doesn't, I hope she has a happy, fulfilling life.
"Will you show me your power? How you can manipulate thoughts?" Jacob asks.
I sit up to look at him. "You don't think it's totally bizarre or weird?"
He smiles. "Nothing about you could ever be bizarre or weird to me. Please show me. I have a pack full of wolves that get to see inside my head all the time, so I'm used to people knowing my thoughts."
I smile back. "Okay. Ready?"
He nods. I close my eyes for a moment and focus on that familiar buzzing inside my chest. I let the feeling spread then I open my eyes and focus on creating a tether to Jacob's mind.
I hear his thoughts right away, Nessie is brilliant. I bet she has even more gifts she doesn't know about yet. She's incredibly talented. And beautiful. How did I get this lucky? And fuck, she's so much healthier now. Her feminine curves are driving me mad. I want to fuck her from behind again to watch her ass and tits jiggle.
I feel my cheeks redden before interjecting, Maybe I'll do that right after she shows me her new power. She likes when I fuck her doggy style. And I can't wait for her mouth to be wrapped around my cock again. I know she likes blowing me.
I watch Jacob swallow. I feel him grow beneath me. I smirk. Even though it sounds fucking hot to take her from behind, I can't stand not being able to see her face, though. It's been far too long, and I feel like I have to watch her come a million times before I'll be satisfied. I want to see every ounce of pleasure that shows up on her face because of me.
I'm starting to lose my focus because a distracting heat rushes down my body and pools in my lower belly, making everything tingly. My breathing picks up from his thoughts.
God, is this what Leah and your brothers have to listen to all damn day?
Jacob's eyes widen. Holy shit, she really can hear me.
Yes, I heard everything. And I manipulated your thoughts when I said that I liked it doggy style and liked blowing you.
Jacob grins then reaches forward and kisses me again. The distraction breaks the connection with his mind. Once I'm breathless, Jacob moves down to my neck.
"I'm never leaving you again, Jake. I'm so sorry," I whisper.
He lifts his head back up. "I'm sorry, too. I should have told you about the legend. Maybe you wouldn't have left."
"I still would have gone. I needed space away on my own… We both should have opened up to each other more, though. But I promise never to run away from us again."
Jacob smirks. "You're not leaving me for that Steven guy then, huh?"
I feel myself blush with shame. "I'm sorry about that, Jake… Really, it wasn't anything more than sex."
After a moment, he sighs. "I understand where your mind was. It might be a little raw for awhile, but I know you were just trying to find a way to escape the pain." I nod, avoiding eye contact with him because I'm not sure what to say. "Besides, I think I know how you can make it up to me."
I look up and see Jacob grinning devilishly at me. "Oh yeah?" I ask.
"Yes," he says in a husky voice before tilting his head down to tease one of my nipples with his tongue. I bury a hand in his hair and arch my chest toward him. He moves to my other nipple then lifts his head up to kiss me fervently.
He wraps his arms around me tightly before standing up from the bath, my limbs wrapped around him. We're still dripping wet when he lays me on our bed and crawls on top of me.
We make love again, but this time there's no urgency. We take our time exploring each other, loving every single inch of each other's bodies, flaws and all.
He kisses all my scars and I kiss his, tangled up in each other as we surrender into the messy life that's completely ours.
. . . . . . .
When we finish, the sheets are soaked as we lie in our bed, still entwined and breathing heavily.
"You weren't kidding about me not being able to walk when we're both finally satisfied, huh?" I joke.
He laughs. "Oh, baby, the things I still want to do to you…"
"We've gotta sleep at some point."
He glances over at the clock. It's 10:00 p.m. "We've only been having sex for the past twelve hours. I'm not even close to being satisfied. Are you?"
I laugh. "Never. I'll never have enough of you." Jacob chuckles, pulls me closer, and kisses my head.
We're comfortably quiet for a few minutes, lost in our own thoughts. Something occurs to me, so I quickly prop my head up in my hand by resting my elbow on his chest. I look up at him mischievously. "I have an idea."
"Uh-oh," Jacob says sarcastically.
I smile then reach up to cup his face. I search his eyes for several moments before unhesitatingly saying, "I want to marry you."
Jacob's eyes widen in utter shock. "What?"
"I guess I should have done that a little smoother. This is my first time proposing to someone, so let me try again," I laugh then clear my throat. I scoot up a little more so my face is closer to his. "I want to be tied to you in every way possible, Jacob Black. I was just lying here thinking about it, and it's not something we've ever really talked about. But I love you, Jake. I want to be your wife. I want it to be official in every way that I am yours and you are mine… Will you marry me?"
His eyes search mine, looking confused but also incredibly excited. "I thought you hated the idea of marriage!"
Even though marriage used to sound silly to me, there's something incredibly special about choosing to officially tie myself to Jacob in this binding way.
I shrug. "I do. But not when it comes to you."
He reaches forward, cups my face, and kisses me intensely. He rests his forehead against mine. "Of course I will marry you! I will marry you whenever, wherever, and however you want. I want to be your husband. I want to be with you forever, for always."
A huge smile takes over my face. "Sorry I don't have a ring for you."
He laughs, pecks my lips, then pushes himself up. He scoots to the side of the bed so he can stand up. He walks over to our dresser and opens his sock drawer. I watch as he rummages through it for a minute before pulling out a small jewelry box. He comes back to sit on the bed, looking at me excitedly.
He reaches for my hand. "Renesmee Carlie Cullen, I've waited to give you this ring for a very long time. I just kept waiting for the right opportunity. As always, you beat me to the punch, but I wouldn't have it any other way." He flips the jewelry box open, and I immediately start bawling as I reach up to touch the pearl pendent charm around my neck.
"Yes," Jake says, nodding toward my necklace. "This was my mom's ring… I want you to have it. I want it on your finger. I mean, unless you want something different?"
"Your sisters?" I question through a sob.
"My dad gave it to me. He said my mom always wanted me to have it."
I lunge forward and wrap my arms around his neck. "Yes, yes of course I will wear it! It's perfect; don't you dare get me anything different! I love it so, so much!"
As soon as I pull away, I wipe my eyes and Jacob reaches for my left hand. He slips the ring into place and kisses it, sealing it. It fits perfectly.
Even with the dagger and Serena stuff looming, even with our relationship still on the mend, even with our mutual grief… Everything in this moment is absolutely perfect.
In fact, I cannot imagine a more perfect moment. I cannot imagine a more perfect man. And, to my surprise, I cannot imagine a more perfect life.
It's as if every dark event has led to this very moment. The darkness is just as important as the light. Without the darkness, we will never know true happiness. Maybe the goal in life is to appreciate the darkness just as much as the light.
With happy tears still flowing, I beam at my fiancé and pull him into a passionate kiss. I bask in the love we're flowing into each other. We're choosing each other despite the pain that's still present. We're choosing each other always, forever, no matter what.
I didn't know in this completely perfect moment, that exactly three days later, I would be separated from Jacob again. Although this time, it would be against my will.
Chapter 18
Notes:
A/N: Guys, I know it's been far too long since I've updated this story! Life's gotten a little busy for me, and I haven't had as much time to write. I love this story so much, so I promise not to abandon it!
On a random note, if you're looking for a holiday Bella/Edward one shot, check out my story called "Ivy"! I wrote it last December and love it so much.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and I hope you had a good Thanksgiving! :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter Text
"Holy Ground (Taylor's Version)" by Taylor Swift
Tonight, I'm gonna dance
For all that we've been through
But I don't wanna dance
If I'm not dancing with you
Tonight, I'm gonna dance
Like you were in this room
But I don't wanna dance
If I'm not dancing with you
RPOV
Three Days Later
"Ness," Jacob whispers as he runs his hand soothingly up and down my bare back. I sleepily burrow back into him with a grunt of protest.
"Wake up," he says softly before raking his fingers through my hair. "Are you hungry?"
As a matter of fact, I am.
I wrap an arm around Jake and pull him closer to me. I tilt my head up for him to kiss me and silently show him that I definitely want him for breakfast.
"Not that kind of hungry," he chuckles. "C'mon, let's get up and go to the diner for some pancakes."
I blink my eyes open and look up at him. He smiles and kisses my forehead. "I'll only get up on one condition."
"What's that?"
I smirk before pinning him down on the bed and quickly crawling on top of him. I kiss him, and he groans into my mouth. I feel him grow hard beneath me, his erection pressing against my thigh. I break away from the kiss and scoot forward, hoovering my breasts over his mouth.
"So, you'll only get out of bed after I thoroughly fuck you, huh?" He says in that husky voice that drives me crazy before teasing my nipple with his tongue. I'm only able to answer with a moan as I arch my chest closer to his mouth.
He chuckles against my breast, giving me goosebumps. "God, your laugh does things to me, too."
"Oh yeah?" He grazes his teeth over my other nipple, causing me to yelp with pleasure.
"Yes," I breath. I kiss him again then reach down between us to stroke him. A low groan escapes from the back of his throat, causing more heat to rush to my core. I line him up at my opening and rock my hips back. We both let out a moan at the connection.
"Ride me, baby." Jacob growls. I sit up, grip his hard, perfect biceps and begin moving my hips.
"This is my favorite sight in the world," Jacob pants. "You riding my cock. Your tits bouncing up and down. You tilting your head back and sighing… God, you're the sexiest creature alive, Ness." His eyes are raking up and down my body, and I manage to give him a lazy smile before increasing my movements.
Jacob's always so good at talking during sex, but it's like my mind turns to complete mush. Because words have completely evaded me, I silently show him what he's doing to my body and how he's making me feel. Jake takes in a sharp breath before gripping my hips and guiding me into an even quicker pace.
"Fuuuuck," I say, feeling every muscle begin to tighten in my body.
"That's it, baby," Jacob encourages. He keeps one hand on my hip while his other hand travels down, one of his fingers circles around my clit, and I lose it. I come apart fast and quick, chanting Jacob's name.
Once I've ridden out my orgasm, Jacob flips us over so he's on top. He thrusts into me roughly, making me shriek. He cups the side of my face. "You're gonna come again, Nessie."
I slowly blink my eyes open to look up at him, and just that sight alone is almost enough for me to climax again. His breathing is ragged, his hair is pulled back in one of those loose messy bun things at the nape his neck with a few strands framing his face. All his muscles are straining, making them more defined, and he's glistening with sweat.
"Do you have any idea how fucking sexy you are?" I ask him.
He answers with a huge smile that takes over his entire face before he leans down to kiss me. He rests his forehead against my own, continuing his expert thrusts.
It doesn't take long for me to find my second release. Jacob pulls out of me and continues to stroke himself a couple more times before he comes all over my breasts. We're both panting for several seconds before finally opening our eyes and smiling softly at each other.
Jacob looks down at my chest and smirks. "Seeing my come all over your tits is hot as hell."
I smirk. "Next time, you should pull out and come in my mouth."
Jacob groans and closes his eyes for a second. "Fuck. Don't say things like to me when we have to be productive today."
Jacob gets up from the bed quickly then scoops me into his arms before walking toward the bathroom. He kisses my hair. "Let's shower and get some breakfast. We have a busy day ahead of us."
I show him my disappointment. I show him how I planned for us to stay in bed together again today. I show him images of the things that I know he can't resist – me moaning, my breasts jiggling, him fucking me from behind…
He chuckles before setting me down on the bathroom counter. He grabs a washcloth and cleans off my chest before reaching into the shower and turning on the water. I smirk when I see that he's hard again. "Get in before I change my mind," he nods his head toward the shower.
I wiggle my eyebrows while looking down at his erection and back up at him. He laughs again. "Okay, one more quickie in the shower then we have to be civilized for a while."
"Does 'civilized' mean we have to wear clothes all day?" I ask, swinging my legs back and forth.
"Yes." He says while pulling the hair tie out of his hair. He opens the shower door and steps into the water. I hop off the counter and follow behind him. Like everything else in our house, my Grandma Esme made sure our shower was huge to accommodate Jacob's massive size.
Jacob leans his head back, running the water through his hair. "Why are you doing this to meeee?" I whine playfully, referring to how incredibly salacious he is while running the water through his hair. How am I expected to behave normally in public when he looks like that!?
He lifts his head then lunges at me quickly, pinning me against the shower wall. His erection pushes against my stomach. He starts nibbling my ear lobe.
"Doing what?" He whispers as the tip of his tongue runs along the ridges of my ear. My legs begin to feel like Jell-O and goosebumps pepper my skin. "You want me to stop?"
I suck in a shaky breath. "No," I say meekly. His teeth scrape along my neck. "Do whatever you want with me."
"Well, in that case…" He says before wrapping one of his arms around my back and turning me around quickly. My hands smack against the shower wall as he grips my hip with one hand and positions himself at my opening with the other. He pumps into me roughly. I bite my lip and rest my cheek on the shower wall.
"Don't fucking bite your lip. I want to hear what I do to you." Jacob says huskily.
I sigh before a loud moan of pleasure escapes from deep in my throat. "That's it, Ness. I love those sexy little sounds you make."
Jacob grips my hip tighter. I reach down and start rubbing my clit. Jacob reaches around me, grabs my wrist, and pushes my hand away.
"Let me take care of you, baby." Jacob continues thrusting into me while expertly rubbing my clit. How he's able to do all of that so expertly, I have no idea, but I am definitely not complaining.
The sounds of wet skin-on-skin and our moans of pleasure reverberate off the bathroom walls until we both find our releases.
. . . . . . . .
After our steamy shower, we both quickly get dressed and head to the the diner in Port Angeles. We play music and goofily sing along to the songs together while I drive. Even with my vampire reflexes, I almost run a red light because I'm laughing while looking over at Jake.
We get to the diner, sit on the same side of the booth, and order two huge stacks of pancakes. Jacob doesn't let's go of my hand as we eat, his thumb occasionally grazing over the engagement ring that hasn't left my finger since he put it on three days prior.
After breakfast, Jacob and I decide that we need to interact with the real world again. We decide that we want to tell our families about our engagement and that Jacob needs to check-in with the pack since he's been completely MIA for the last few days.
We decide to drive to Jacob's dad's house first. We'll go to my family's house next. From there, we'll likely split up – Jacob will check-in with the pack, and I'll check-in with Nahuel, especially since we still don't officially know if Leah imprinted on him.
Once I park my car outside of Billy's house, I lean over and peck Jacob's lips. "I don't know if I'll survive being away from you this afternoon."
He laughs and kisses me. "What if I promise that we'll have a phenomenal reunion at home later?"
"Oh?" I say and playfully bat my eyelashes. "What will this 'reunion' entail?"
"Why don't you connect to my mind and see for yourself?"
"You want me to?" I ask, surprised.
"You know all of me, Ness. I'm used to people knowing my thoughts. You can connect to my mind whenever you want."
I shake my head. "It's such an invasion of privacy, Jake. I'll only do it when I have your permission."
He shrugs. "Suit yourself, but…"
"But?"
Jacob shifts a little in his seat before reaching up to run a hand through his hair. And… did his cheeks just turn a little pink? Is Jacob Black uncomfortable or nervous about something!? I rarely see Jacob squirm like this, so I am truly intrigued.
I smirk and reach to squeeze his hand. "Are you embarrassed about something?"
He lets out the cutest nervous laugh I've ever heard in my life before saying, "Maybe a little."
Now I have to know what he's thinking. "Are you doing this to torture me because I said I wouldn't connect to your mind? What are you embarrassed about!?"
He laughs again. "I was just thinking about something I want to try with you."
I shift in my seat and lean closer to him. "What do you want to try!? Tell me!"
He runs his hand through his hair again. "One day when we have sex, I want you to connect to my mind, and maybe you can let your thoughts just flow to me the entire time, too…"
I feel myself blush a little at the idea – connecting with him physically and emotionally/mentally at the same time like that? It's the most vulnerable, raw thing I can imagine. But, of course, I really want to do this with Jake now that he's suggested the idea.
I reach for him, cupping his face with my hands and kiss him. "I want to do that with you, too. Let's go home and do it now! We'll tell everyone we're engaged tomorrow."
He chuckles then nuzzles his face into my neck and plants a few kisses there. "Tonight, baby… We'll try it tonight."
"Ughhhhh," I exaggerate a playful groan. "Fine." I peck his lips one more time then pull away from him, open my car door, and get out. I watch as Jacob readjusts himself in his pants before getting out of the car behind me.
I glance down at the zipper on his jeans then wink at him. He laughs before lunging at me and pulling me into his chest. "You drive me crazy, you know that?" He says before quickly planting kisses all over my face.
"Judging by the massive hard-on I can still see in your jeans, I'm very inclined to believe you."
He laughs loudly before continuing to pepper my head, face, and neck with wet kisses. I squirm in his arms, giggling. "Jake! Stop!" My protests only make him tighten his arms and continue even more frantically.
We're both laughing hysterically when we hear Billy's somewhat skeptical voice, "Jacob? Renesmee?"
Jacob plants a final kiss on my lips before releasing me. He holds my hand as we walk the short distance to the front door of Jacob's childhood home. Billy's in the doorway, a small smile creeping up on his face as we happily approach.
"Hey, dad," Jacob says, reaching down to pat Billy's shoulder.
"Hi, Billy." I say with a smile.
Billy greets us, eyes us warily, then wheels himself backward and to the side for us to come in. Jake and I walk into the living room and plop down on the couch.
"What's going on?" Billy asks somewhat hesitantly.
Jacob and I glance at each other and grin. Jacob reaches for my left hand, giving it a squeeze before holding it out in front of us. My new ring glitters in the light from a nearby lamp.
Billy's hand comes up to his mouth for a second. "Is that…"
"Yes… It's Sarah's ring," I say softly. Billy's eyes connect with mine, and I can see moisture lightly clouding his vision. "Jacob said she wanted him to have it. I hope it's okay that I'm wearing it?"
Billy reaches up and wipes away a tear that escaped down his cheek. He clears his throat then wheels forward to Jacob and me. He reaches for my hand. "It is more than okay that you are wearing that ring. Sarah would have absolutely loved you."
I feel tears cloud my own vision. Jacob wraps his arm around me and kisses my head. "I guess it doesn't need to be explicitly said now, but Ness asked me to marry her, and I said yes."
Billy laughs. "She asked you, huh?"
"Of course, she did," Jacob says proudly. I turn and beam at him. He kisses me quickly.
Billy asks when the big day will be. I tell him that we're not sure because we haven't told my family yet, and I am assuming my Aunt Alice will help us plan everything. We finish chatting with Billy for a little while, and Jacob helps Billy with a few things around the house before we leave. I texted my mom and dad and asked them to go over to my family's main house for Jacob and me to come over and talk to them.
I feel giddy when I finally park outside my family's house. Jacob and I jump out of the car, but Jacob's momentarily distracted as he looks over to the forest. When I follow his gaze, I see Leah in her wolf form sitting in a small break in the trees.
Jacob nods at her, and I wave before grabbing his hand and excitedly darting toward the front door. Jacob laughs as I shove the door open and quickly walk into the living room where all my family is already sitting and standing, waiting for us. Nahuel and Hulien are there, too, which is perfect because I already consider them part of my family.
I find my dad's gaze, and a huge grin takes over my face because I know he's already read my thoughts and knows what's going on. He crookedly smiles back at me. My mom looks wary until she glances at my dad and notices his expression. She visibly relaxes. I glance around at everyone else, and they all have a somewhat suspicious expression, too.
I look up at Jacob for a moment before turning back to my family and loudly blurting out, "Jacob and I are getting married!"
"What!" My Aunt Alice wails.
"Oh! This is wonderful!" My Grandma Esme exclaims.
My mom jumps up from the couch and bolts toward Jacob and me. She wraps us both in a bone-crushing hug where Jacob has to playfully remind her that we are partly human and, therefore, breakable.
She laughs as she releases us and reaches for my hand to examine my ring. I cup her cheek and show her how I asked Jacob to marry me and how he gave me his mother's ring. She kisses my cheek and congratulates us both excitedly.
My Grandma Esme pulls Jacob into a hug before reaching for me and kissing my head. "My heart is so full right now. I am so happy for you both."
My dad places a hand on Jacob's shoulder and nods, some kind of silent conversation occurring between the two of them. Then my dad turns and hugs me. I am so happy, daddy, I silently tell him.
"I know, love. I am elated that everything is finally falling into place."
My Uncle Jasper, Uncle Emmett, and Grandpa Carlisle all shake Jacob's hand and talk to him while my Aunt Alice dances over and pulls me into an embrace before kissing my cheek. "Are you going to be as stubborn as you mother was about me planning your wedding?"
I laugh. "I want you to plan it, Aunt Alice. My only demand is that it's on the beach in La Push."
She grins and claps her hands together excitedly. "Oh, I am so excited, Nessie! Thank you!"
My uncles and grandpa congratulate me next, followed by my Aunt Rosalie. She pulls me into an embrace then scowls at Jacob when she pulls away. "I am so happy for you, Renesmee… but are you sure about your groom choice?"
Jacob snorts beside me. "Still not part of your family, huh, Blondie?"
She flips her perfect hair behind her shoulder and looks down her nose at Jacob even though he towers over her. "What pet is Dracula's favorite?"
Jacob shrugs. "You've stumped me, bloodsucker. What is it?" I elbow Jacob for the bloodsucker comment.
"Bloodhounds. Maybe we can train you to be a good, obedient pet."
Jacob's head falls back as he laughs. "How long have you been waiting to crack that joke?"
My aunt's eyes narrow. Jacob looks over to my dad in question. My dad shakes his head. "I'm not getting in the middle of this again."
Jacob glances at me questioningly instead. I roll my eyes at him. "I'm with my dad on this one. I'm not getting in the middle of your little rivalry."
Jacob laughs again before turning back to my aunt. "Well, I'm looking forward to a lifetime of jokes with you, Rosalie."
I squeeze Jacob's hand and silently show him how that's the first time I can remember him actually saying my aunt's name instead of calling her "Blondie" or some derogatory vampire name. Aunt Rosalie doesn't say anything to him as she turns on her heel and walks back over to the couch where my Uncle Emmett is.
My gaze lands on Nahuel. I grin at him, and he smiles warmly back. I want to talk to him without my family around because I want to know what's happened with Leah and how he's doing with everything.
Jacob must notice my thoughts because he kisses my head then whispers, "I really need to go check-in with Leah… Meet you at home in a couple hours?"
I nod, even though I feel sad to think about being apart from Jacob for a while. I tilt my head up, and he kisses me. He says bye to everyone then leaves. I watch out the window as he takes his shirt off while jogging toward the trees.
I walk over and grab Nahuel's hand and start hauling him toward the door. I tell my family I'll be back in a little bit. Once we are outside, and far enough away from the house, I say, "Okay, fill me in."
He laughs. "I should say the same to you."
I laugh back. "Jacob and I talked about everything. Things aren't perfect, but they are a thousand times better."
"I'm so glad, Nessie. Seriously. I can tell things have totally shifted."
I smile briefly. "Thanks… Now it's your turn. Spill."
He sighs and rubs his forehead in frustration. "There's not much to tell. I don't really know what's going on. The last time I saw you was also the last time I saw Leah. Seth is the one that told me Leah imprinted on me. He told me Leah's freaked out and to give her some time to process things, but he asked me to stick around so we can talk once she's ready."
Nahuel steps in front of me and lifts a tree branch higher for me to step through. "Did Seth tell you why Leah's freaking out?"
"No," Nahuel responds. "But I get it, I guess. She wasn't expecting to imprint on someone like me."
I reach for his hand, pulling him to a stop. I stare at him incredulously. "What's that supposed to mean?"
He sighs. "Just that I'm half-vampire, Nessie. I'm sure it's weird."
"Don't doubt yourself. Is it weird to you that she's half-werewolf?"
He shrugs. "Yes. The entire thing is weird as fuck! When you first told me about imprinting, I thought it was incredibly strange because it's like you don't have a choice in who you love. I don't believe in love at first sight, Nessie, but when I saw Leah the other day…" He shakes his head. "I've never seen anyone or anything more beautiful in my life. The feeling freaked me out. I haven't even seen her human for fuck's sake."
I nod on understanding. "I know. I get it. It's completely strange."
He sighs. "So, I'm just sitting here waiting for her to come talk to me because I don't know how to find her or how to even talk to her about what's going on."
"Jake's talking to her right now. I'm sure she'll come around soon."
"I hope so." He sighs defeatedly.
I squeeze his hand. "What do you need right now? Tell me, and we'll do it."
He thinks for a second. "Run. I just want to run. Maybe find a tree to climb? Just hang out for a while?"
I smile. "I know just the place. C'mon!"
I drag him beside me as I take off into the trees. He keeps pace beside me. As always, Nahuel and I are comfortable just being in silence. There's a place I'm thinking of that's perfect, but it's about a thirty-minute run. There's a huge tree my dad used to take me to. We used to climb it together when I was little. Once you get high enough, you can see the tops of all the other trees, the mountains off in the distance, and, when it's nighttime, the stars are beautiful.
I round a corner before hopping over the river.
"Slow poke!" I yell to Nahuel before he jumps over the water behind me. "I'll race you toward that mountain over there!" I say before sprinting into the distance.
Nahuel laughs his agreement to my little game. I'm faster than him, so after several minutes, I look over my shoulder. He's still following, but he's pretty far behind. When I turn back around, I instantly stop running and freeze in my tracks.
A woman is standing several yards in front of me, her stance rigid, her expression menacing. I can tell she's a hybrid from her scent. She has straight brown hair and piercing green eyes. I suck in a deep breath when I recognize those eyes; they're the same as Nahuel's.
She glances over her shoulder and waves her hand, beckoning someone else to come forward that I must not be able to see or sense yet. My nervous system kicks into high gear as two vampires drop down from the trees. They're both wearing black and red cloaks. I've never seen them before, but I'm instantly certain they must be part of the Volturi's guard. They both appear to be men.
Serena's working with the Volturi? If a hybrid has been making decisions for, or with, the Volturi… That means my Aunt Alice hasn't been able to see anything.
My gift is thrumming away in my chest, begging for me to connect with their minds to ensure my safety. I focus on the vibration and push it out of my mind toward the hybrid. As soon as it's about to connect, it's like it hits a wall. I try again and again, but I still can't find a way to penetrate her mind. I try on the other two vampires, but the same thing happens with both of them. This makes no sense; my gift even worked on my mom!
"We can make this simple or difficult, Renesmee. It's really up to you." The hybrid purrs.
"We can make what easy or difficult?" I spit just as I hear Nahuel behind me. He's at my side in an instant and angles himself so he's in front of me.
"What is this, Serena?" He questions menacingly.
I stretch my gift toward Nahuel just to ensure it's working. I'm able to connect with him immediately and hear his overwhelming anger toward his half-sister. I disconnect from him and try with the others again, but it still doesn't work.
"What are you doing here, little brother?" Serena asks.
"You answer my question, and I'll answer yours." Nahuel responds.
Serena laughs. "I'm here for her," she says with a nod of her head in my direction. "You see, there's a disruptive pack of mutts nearby that keeps getting in my way, and they aren't abiding by my requests."
"You're not taking her anywhere." Nahuel growls.
Serena laughs again then gives some type of motion to the two vampires. It all happens really quickly after that. One of the vampires lunges at Nahuel, immediately trapping him with his hands behind his back, making him kneel down on the forest floor.
In the same moment, Serena disappears then lands on her feet behind me. As soon as I whirl around, the other vampire wraps his arms around me from behind, locking my arms at my sides. I hunch forward and kick the vampire away from me. I whirl around to face him again. He stalks back toward me and attempts to restrain me again, but I elbow him in the nose, duck to the side, and shift so I am behind him. I kick his shins, knocking him forward, then restrain his arms behind his back.
Serena is clapping mockingly in front of me. "You are good, Renesmee."
"Fuck you." I say back at her.
She frowns then disappears. Keeping my tight grip on the Volturi guard member kneeling in front of me, I glance around, trying to locate where she went.
I connect with Nahuel's mind, Nahuel, it's Nessie talking to you. I'm going to push this asshole away from me in a second then help you get free. Go run and get my family.
Can you manipulate them into letting us go?
No, my gift isn't penetrating their minds. I don't know why. Get ready.
I'm not leaving you here alone with them.
We don't have time to argue about this. Once you're free, run!
I disconnect from his mind. I use my foot to kick the vampire in front of me as far away from us as I can. His body flies toward the trees, and I immediately lunge for the other Volturi member that's grasping Nahuel. As soon as I'm about to collide with his side, hoping that will get him to release his grip on Nahuel, Serena lands on top of me.
One of her arms wraps around my torso, pinning my arms. Her other arm wraps around my neck, cutting off my oxygen. I fall backward onto the ground, hoping that will knock her off me. She disappears before landing on her back, but she reappears immediately and is on top of me. Her knees pin down my arms, and she digs her elbow into my neck again, choking me.
I use all the tricks I know to break out his hold, but nothing works. I'm trapped.
"Get the fuck off her, Serena! What are you doing!?" I hear Nahuel yell.
My vision starts to get blurry, and I see black spots around me. "I told you this could be easy, or it could be difficult." Serena purrs.
Serena finally releases me a few seconds later, and I gulp down glorious mouthfuls of oxygen. I'm hauled up into a kneeling position by the vampire I had pinned earlier. I thrash against him, but his grip is tighter this time. Both of his arms pin mine against my body, and his legs are pressing my own legs against the forest floor.
When I'm able to refocus my gaze, I see that Nahuel is still in the same place a couple feet away from me, the other Volturi member continuing to trap him in place. When I look forward, my breath catches, and I'm even more panicked.
Jacob and Leah rush through the trees and stop as soon as they are a few years away from Nahuel and me.
I throw my gift forward, instantly connecting to Jacob's mind. He's completely frantic and incoherent.
Jacob, it's me talking to you. I'm okay, Jake. I'm okay, I tell him. I think the Volturi have been working with Serena all along.
I'm going to kill the fucker that's trapping you.
Yes, please.
Can you make them stop with your power? Jacob asks me.
No. I can't penetrate their minds for some reason. Serena's here somewhere, Jake. I don't know where, but she's probably about to pop up.
He growls and lunges forward. Serena materializes right in front of him, blocking him from getting to me.
"You again," she says in a menacing tone. "You need to learn a lesson or two about following instructions. That's why I have your precious little girlfriend here." She nods toward me, causing Jacob to growl again. "Shall I demonstrate, yet again, who has the upper hand here?"
She disappears, and I'm momentarily relieved until she lands on Leah's back a second later. I thrash against the arms that are still holding me too tightly in place.
"If you hurt her, I will fucking kill you, Serena." Nahuel says through clenched teeth.
Serena laughs. "You're siding with shapeshifters? What's wrong with you, little brother?"
Jacob's instantly at Leah's side, leaping toward Serena to knock her off Leah's back, but Serena's gone. She reappears on Jacob's back this time. She leans forward and wraps one arm around his neck and the other around his torso.
I've never felt more panicked and frantic in my life. "No! No! Stop! Please, please stop! Please!" I thrash and thrash against this fucker's grip, but I can't get away.
I'm okay, Ness. She's not hurting me, Jacob tells me. I can twist around. I'm just waiting for the perfect opportunity, Jacob says through the connection I still have with his mind.
"You're both going to leave with me, and I won't harm your precious shapeshifters." Serena says, nodding toward Nahuel and me.
You're not going anywhere! Jacob growls in my head.
I ignore Jacob. "Okay! I'll do whatever you want! Just leave Jacob and Leah alone. Please!"
No! You're not going anywhere, Nessie! Jacob yells.
"Good girl. We wouldn't want this Mighty Alpha harmed now, would we?" Serena says before tightening her grip around Jacob's neck. She condescendingly pats the top of his head.
I scream again just as Leah leaps toward Serena. "Just leave him alone! I'll go wherever you want!"
Serena disappears and lands on Leah with a mocking laugh. Nahuel yells and manages to get one arm free from the vampire restraining him. He's not quick enough though, and the vampire grips his arm once more. Serena disappears once again, and Nahuel let's out a loud exhale in relief.
I don't know where Serena wants to take Nahuel and me, but I have to get Jacob and Leah out of here safely. I know Jacob won't let me leave without a fight, and it's obvious Serena has the upper hand with her teleporting ability. I know she will injure or kill Jacob and Leah to manipulate Nahual and me. She already killed Brady. I can't let anymore harm come to the pack. I have to protect them.
Still being connected to Jacob's mind, I can see that the rest of the wolf pack is still far back. Jacob and Leah were already close to Nahuel and me earlier; that's how they got here so quickly.
I take a deep breath and do the only thing I can think of to ensure Jacob and Leah's safety…
I have to let Nessie and Nahuel go. If I don't, one of my pack members will get hurt again. I have to keep them safe. I can't lose anyone else, I plant the thought into Jacob's mind without identifying that I'm the one doing so.
Leah whines, and I can hear the other pack members protest through the connection. Averting my gaze from Jacob, I continue with tears rolling down my cheeks. We will let them go. We can't let anyone else get hurt, I say, using Jacob's Alpha inflection.
What am I thinking? I can't let her go. They'll hurt her. I can't lose her again. I just got her back. And what will it do to Leah to lose Nahuel? This can't happen. I… Jacob thinks.
I close my eyes and send pictures of Brady into his mind which makes the entire pack whine and howl. We can't lose anyone else. We will let them go for now, I say with Jacob's echoing Alpha voice again.
Serena appears between Nahuel and me. She reaches out and touches the shoulders of each vampire.
"You need to deliver a message to your masters, dog," Serena says to Jacob. Jacob snarls at her. "Tell the Cullens I will release Renesmee and Nahuel once the dagger is brought to me in Volterra."
"They don't know where it is, Serena! Fuck, you're kidnapping your own brother to get a stupid dagger? What's fucking wrong with you?" Nahuel yells. Serena rolls her eyes at him.
"That's not all, though," the Volturi guard member restraining Nahuel says. "Aro will only release them if Alice and Bella agree to serve on the guard in their place."
I start panicking even more.
No… How can I keep my mom and aunt safe too? What can I do? They can't come anywhere near Volterra.
Wait… Can Serena teleport people with her? Is that why she's touching the vampires that are pinning Nahuel and me?
Shit, shit, shit.
I disconnect from Jacob and try to penetrate into the minds of Serena or one of the Volturi members again. I hit wall after wall. Fuck!
I give up and connect with Jacob again. I speak into mind, this time letting him know it's me. Jake, I love you. I'm sorry. I had to keep you safe. Don't let my mom and aunt anywhere near Volterra. I –
A moment later, all I see is flickers of trees, the sky, and the forest floor as a swishing feeling zooms through my entire body, making me nauseous. Soon, only darkness surrounds me.
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MiceLoveCat (Guest) on Chapter 1 Thu 27 Jan 2022 08:49AM UTC
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TwiGilmore on Chapter 11 Sat 14 Aug 2021 01:50AM UTC
Last Edited Sat 14 Aug 2021 01:51AM UTC
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