Chapter Text
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
Sylvia Path
Part 1
Ron POV
There are some mornings when you wake up fresh and ready to take on the world and then there are some mornings when all you crave is warmth of blanket wrapped around you and want to stay like this for eternity. Today was neither of those. Today was Ron’s birthday. He would soon be twenty five. But when at the age of fifteen you saw the death looming , you should be grateful that you have made it so far.
As usual, there was a pile of presents lying in his living room. When he was kid, he would tore down every single of them excitedly along with running commentary about each gift he received. Time had certainly mellowed him down as he opened only present he was waiting for, his mother’s hand made jumper. he felt the softness of fabric against his cheeks and inhaled scent taking him back to their little house with far too many members and love abound. he promised himself that he would visit his mother and father more. rest were gifts from his brothers and Hermione, who true to her nature had sent him book on accounting and marketing. He sighed with relief that even after everything that happened, he still had people around him who cared enough for him not to forget his birthday.
With his mood lifted, he opened Weasleys’ Wizard Wheeze. Ever since George had started living together with Angelina, he was left alone in their small apartment above the shop. It was now his job to open the shop early in morning, clean it and take stock of inventory and wait for George to show up. He did not want to complain about George’s tardiness as after so much setbacks finally, George was in the best phase of life . There was Daily Prophet lying on the counter which he once dreaded the sight of . He had slowly overcame the intense anxiety associated with it as he opened the front page. As soon as the headlines caught his eyes, he felt the ground shaking beneath his feet and he couldn’t breathe. He could feel the one of the panic attack coming but with tricks Hermione taught him, he slowly calmed himself down. he could do it, he had moved on..He had moved on clearly.
Now with his breathing returned to normal, he could pursue the newspaper properly. And in the front page covered with largest font size and waving photos was the news of the biggest event of the year. Harry Potter was engaged to Astoria Greenglass.
Maybe it was the best birthday gift he could ask for. Harry had finally found happiness which he could never give him. He looked at the moving photo of girl curiously. She looked beautiful and refined, the two things that could never be associated with him. She was looking at Harry with adoration and love. He could never forget that look. Once upon a time he used to have the same look in his eyes.
once upon a time, they were invincible, Harry and him.
once upon a time, they defied everybody for love
once upon a time, they were foolish to believe that they would be together forever in love.
sometimes love is just not enough.
After looking at Harry and the girl’s smiling faces, he could not comprehend his own mixed up jumbled feelings. He browsed through the comments like he used to previously. He was again transported to his past, sitting lonely in the chair and obsessively reading every comment.
“finally Harry found the love of his life.”
“she looks like princess in fairy tales, i guess you have to kiss some ugly toads, Harry to get your dream princess.”
“i think we need to investigate my theory that Weasleys fed Potter love potions to keep him under their influence”
“a match made in heaven. finally a soul mate deserving of our hero not some hideous monkey”
“finally he is back to us girls..”
He had been madly in love with Harry since he outgrew his emotional maturity of one teaspoon . He wondered if things would have been better if they had remained as friends. He would have outgrown his unrequited teenage love eventually and Harry would still be part of his family.
“hey little Ronniekihs..happy birthday ” George entered shouting and immediately sobered down after looking at newspaper in his hands “so you already read the big news. Are you okay or do i need to bring out my best firewhiskey”
“its ten in morning, George. and i am okay.” he assured his elder brother.
George still looked sceptical. “are you sure.”
“its been five years George since we broke up. its high time he find someone else. someone who deserves him and give him happiness and....” He broke off.
“And..?.” George prodded.
“ a family of his own” He added softly. Harry never had a family of his own and he could never have given the family he craved for with kids.
“Merlin..Ronnie..” George said with unexpected tenderness.
“Where is my gift. I missed yours when I ransacked gifts pile in the morning.” He deflected the topic.
“It’s supposed to be surprise.” George answered understanding the swift change in topic. “By the way though I don’t say it much but i am proud of you.little bro.”
George words felt soothing to hear. His family love and support was the reason he had survived.
“It was petty of him to do this on your birthday.”
“George, don’t be crazy. I bet Harry didn’t even know that news would be leaked. He was always unbothered and ignorant about these things.”
“Why do you still defend him considering what he did?”
“We both are responsible for what happened.”
“It looks like you are the only one who paid price and he remained scot free.”
“You still not over the memorial thing. Haven’t we discussed it already.” Ron said exasperated.
Being Harry Potter’s best friend and being his lover were two entirely things. Soon after the war, three of them Harry, him and Hermione were feted as ‘golden trio’. They were declared war heroes and awarded with order of merlin. And then Harry and he came out as a couple and all hell broke loose. Homosexuality was silently accepted within the families but the greatest war hero Harry Potter having a male lover was not acceptable to public.
“ You were part of golden trio. You are war hero too.I will never be over it. You are my little brother. How dare Ministry ignore your contribution. How dare they not invite you to inaugurate the War memorial.” George fumed.
“We talked about it, Georgie.” Ron tried to placate his furious brother. “I am not hurt. Harry and Hermione deserve to be there. They won the war for us.”
“You were there too.”
“I left them midway. I know I came back but still.”
“There is no excuse for the shitty treatment you have received from people. I wish I was there to protect you.”
“I am okay, George. Please stop. And where is the surprise gift of yours.”
He said firmly. He was tired of making his family worried about him. They had already suffered so much for his mistakes. I am okay. He was exhausted parroting the lines to his family and few friends. Maybe if he kept on repeating it, one day he would be okay for real.
A muggle gay bar. That was his brothers’ surprise for him. He was touched by his family’s acceptance of his sexuality or his mistakes or his atonement. Even if the whole world threw stones at him, he was always safe in loving cocoon of his family. And now Harry had semblance of a family too. It was best birthday day he could ask for.
Today was the inauguration of War Memorial in commemoration of people who laid down their lives to fight Voldemort . Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were being felicitated. It was open public event held at harrowed grounds of Hogwarts. His mom was apprehensive of his going but he had to be here today, for war they fought, for lives lost and for Fred....
He could do it. He would do it for Fred. He could feel all eyes boring into him. Harry’s engagement was the burning topic and curiosity of wizarding world was at highest level. Harry was coming to England after five whole years. His fiancée was also conjectured to make an appearance. And here Ron were, Harry’s evil ex, present in a function which was Harry’s first public appearance after the big news. There was no way he would’ve skipped Memorial despite disapproval of his family. And moreover Hermione was going to be there too. He really missed her.
Hermione was furious when she came to know that Ron was not included. She had point blankly refused to attend. He had to literally beg her and plead Viktor for her to attend. It was dream project of Headmistress Minerva MacGonagull which had taken five years to complete and tragicly, she could not live to see it. Finally Hermione had given to his emotional blackmail. He was happy that he would see her tonight. She had married Viktor and moved to Bulgaria after the war. Her absence from his life was festering wound he never healed from.
“I always knew in my heart that you two were not ready. But you looked so happy and Harry looked content so I kept quiet but I always feared for our friendship if your relationship ended badly. And look what you did, Ron. Why..Ron..why..” Hermione had asked him then with her eyes filled with accusation and pain.”
As if she knew beforehand that Ron would be the one who would fuck up first. Hermione always knew how to read him like her books. But unlike others she did not spurn him outright. She remained in the middle like the rock and good person she was. He could not have carried on his his life knowing Hermione, the only girl he loved, hated him.
Hermione called him king of self flagellation. Nobody was harder on him than he himself. He always had low self esteem, he was always needy and starved of attention from his family. It was unbelievable at first that Harry would actually choose him and return his love. Of course it was too good to be true. He had to go on to sabotage everything. Even now he had struggles with accepting his self worth.
“hey Ron..how are you?”
He heard the familiar booming voice of Lee Jordan which he recognised from anywhere. Lee looked fit and friendly like always.
Lee Jordan. its been first time he had seen him since the day Harry found them sleeping together. He had become quidditch correspondent and popular commentator.
I had a little crush on you in Hogwarts. I just knew that you were like me, the way you used to sneak glances at harry. but you were my best buddies’ little brother. You were unattainable.
Lee had told him casually one day.
He was overwhelmed with everything. Everybody’s obsessive attention on his relationship ,his grieving family, daily dose of hate and vitriol from unknown people who could not accept their hero being in relationship with another man,, George’s crumbling mental status, void of Hermione in his life, Harry’s busy Auror training and his own inability to communicate his insecurities with Harry in fear that he would wear Harry down. He still didn’t know why he was affected by Lee’s words or why Lee’s company made him feel better and appreciated. Or why he could not resist himself. Why he betrayed Harry in the worst way possible.
“Better than yesterday” he replied back. He knew it was not Lee’s fault. He, himself was to take the blame. He knew what Lee felt about him and he betrayed Lee too by using him to validate his crippling insufficiencies and fill the emptiness inside him. Lee tried to contact him initially after Harry left him but he never responded.
“That’s what it matters.” Lee answered sincerely.
“How are you?” he asked, “I do read your articles and listen to Qudditch commentaries. You are very talented.”
“I always loved Qudditch. It’s fulfilling to have job you are passionate about.”
“Good for you, Lee” He replied with warmth. He remembered Lee being so uncertain about future and drifting by when Lee used to come over to watch George.
“And look at George. He came around, man, you made it possible Ron.” Lee responded.
“It was not me but his own resilience ” Ron said soberly.
He would always be grateful to Lee for being there for George when it was needed the most. Fred’s death had affected George deeply. He grew quiet, almost catatonic. He even tired to kill himself. Ron still had nightmares of unconscious George frothing at mouth. George used to live in the shop. The Burrow was unbearable for him. Ron had decided to postpone his Auror training to take care of George. Harry had reluctantly agreed. They thrived on boundless optimism in those early days of relationship. Their undying love for each other would solve any problems. No mountain was too high to climb, no ocean too big to swim as long as Harry and him were together. They were wind beneath each other wings. They were soaring high so when the fall came it broke him to pieces.
“Listen .maybe we should meet for drinks sometimes.” Lee was saying.
But his words were drowned in commotion as Harry Potter made his entrance. Even after all these years, halo around Harry remained as strong as ever. There would always be spotlight on Harry Potter, the chosen one. And closely followed by Harry was his fiancé Astoria Greengrass.
The crowd and noises were closing in on him making him dizzy
“Ron..What happened Are you okay?.”
Lee’s concerned voice brought him back to normalcy. He found himself held by Lee’s strong arms.. “you seemed to be passing out.”
“thanks. i am okay now.” He gingerly detached himself from Lee’s embrace and smiled reassuringly.
Astoria Greengrass, in flesh was even prettier than the pictures. She was an embodiment of beauty and elegance whereas he was always awkward angles and clumsy poses. There was confidence in her gait and poise as she walked besides Harry as if she was born for the limelight. She and Harry looked like they had magically came out of fairy tale. Her innate self confidence was stark contrast to the insecurities he fought with all his life. He wondered if she made harry laugh his full bellied laugh which used to make him crazy.
“You still love him”
“What.” He had completely forgotten the presence of Lee besides him.
He marvelled at how accurately Lee Jordan still read him.
“I mean .. you still look at him as if he hung moons and stars.”
“Well..isn’t that how everybody look at him though?” He tried to make a joke. He had accepted the fact that his love for Harry won't go away ever. His heart just could not accept anyone else. For the brief moment in his life, Harry was really his and maybe it was enough.
“He seems happy with her.” Lee observed watching Harry holding the hands of Astoria giving her his fullest attention.
“They are perfect for each other.” He agreed.
Harry looked different now. He was wearing well fitting robes and his hair was slicked back and his green eyes glinted behind steel rimmed glasses. He almost looked like a stranger. The charismatic man interacting with people was not his frumpy Harry who didn’t know what robes to wear and always forgot to comb his unruly black hair. It made him realise how deeply he missed Harry’s presence in his life. How he wished their friendship survived the wreck of their relationship. Maybe if he had time turner he would go back and repair everything. but from where he would start.. the day Harry caught Ron cheating on him with Lee or long before that, when silence between them started to grow and became a chasm. or when voices inside his head became overpowering than the love inside his heart.
Everyone except his family sided with Harry when Daily Prophet printed their big expose. People already hated him for being gay and ensnaring the most eligible bachelor but the viciousness and the glee with which they crucified him was unimaginable. It was evident in their stares and murmurs that their hatred had not even ebbed a bit as he settled to sit besides his family who were looking at him with concern.
“What a surprise to find you here, Ronald Weasley.?” He could not escape the inimitable drawl of Draco Malfoy who unfortunately was now his brother in law.
“Enough, Draco.” Ginny rebuked sharply.
“I am sorry, darling. I was just not expecting him.” Draco appeared mortified.
“Why would not I be here.” He asked irritated.
“If I were you, I would definitely not be here. I have no penchant for double humiliation” Draco sneered. Their relationship were frosty despite Ginny’s best efforts.
“ that’s why you are ex death eater.” He retorted back.
“Ron” Ginny interrupted sharply. “Draco, go fetch water for me. I am thirsty.”
“I am sorry, Ginny.” He apologised for his outburst.
“It’s okay, Ron. Draco is trying to mend his ways. It hurts a lot to see the love of your life in the arms of other. But gradually pain lessens and then you find someone else who is perfect for you. You will find someone too.” Ginny said patting his hand and comforting him.
“Weasley, for the long time I resented you and Potter for breaking her heart and not even acknowledging it. She was alone and scared underneath all the strong exterior she emits when I first met her. And all I wanted her was to smile and be happy.” Those were Draco’s words to him.
Ginny understood how he felt because she had personally experienced the pain. And Ron had caused Ginny that pain. At that time, when he and Harry had come out to his family, Harry and Ginny had broken up and Ginny herself had gave them blessings yet his oblivious young self had never once acknowledged what Ginny might have felt.
“Hey, Look Hermione and Viktor have arrived.”
He saw Hermione’s bushy hair amidst the crowd who had gathered. And then her brown intelligent eyes met hers , as she gave him a little wave. The fact that Hermione never abandoned him always filled him with strength and gratitude. When he was struggling with his feelings about Harry, Hermione was the one he confided to. He was scared and confused and she told him being attracted to man was normal. Hermione had saved him so many times that he had lost count. The war had extracted so much from them and Hermione needed time to heal too. As much as he was emotionally dependent on her, he wanted Hermione to find her happiness too. Viktor Krum re entered her life and her stoic Hermione fell madly in love. He and Hermione talked about double dates and double weddings. She was so happy and free that he did not want to burden her with his baggage.
Hermione was ushered to the centre stage where Harry was also waiting along with Prime Minister of Magic and Headmistress Professor Spout. And he was standing in back somewhere watching them. Suddenly he was back in the Forest of Dean when Horcux had mentally overpowered him and he had left them. Rest of the ceremony passed in a blur. When he came out of fugue. Harry was talking to reporters.
“We are here to commemorate the past. To pay respects to our loved ones for the sacrifices they made to make our world a better place. An ideal world where we are appreciated by who we are rather than our bloodlines. A brave new world we all dreamt of in our darkest times. It’s time to redeem that dream and walk together.”
“We hear you have great news to share too” one of female reporters crooned.
“I don’t answer any questions about my personal life. My personal life is not anybody business. I and my fiancée would request media to stop invading on our privacy.” Harry replied bluntly.
There were appreciative murmurs throughout the crowd as they clapped for Harry.
“That’s how a real hero protect his loved one.”
“Look how much smitten he is for his lady” someone commented.
All Ron could remember was innumerable howlers sent to him and unknown owls dropping cursed letters and hexes till Bill took matters in his own hand and magically blocked them. He never dared to tell Harry about them. Harry was hardly home those days with gruelling Auror training. Harry used to come exhausted and Ron used to hide everything so that Harry would not be bothered. Harry didn’t have even times to read news but sometimes Harry would notice ‘hate comments’ and told him to ignore them. Rita Skeeter was one of the most vicious one who enjoyed taking shots at his ‘garish red hair’, “spotty freckled skin’ ‘pinnochio nose’ ‘ugly face’ and so on. He was self conscious but daily taunts really got inside his skin. Harry and him both wanted to be Aurors when they were young. Despite the fact he had volunteered to take care of George, he didn’t even realise when he started to start resenting Harry for doing what he always dreamt of. Initially Harry used to talk about thing he learnt in his training but gradually Harry started sharing less..smiling less....loving less...All of Ron’s insecurities started bubbling up the surface. And then George tried to kill himself. Harry had gone to overseas training programs. Lee Jordan was the one who stayed with him that day watching over George. And that was the beginning of the inevitable.
“Miss Greengrass, congratulations on the surprise engagement.”
“We, Harry and I, would like to thanks everyone for all the warm wishes. It touches my heart to see these outpourings of love from people all over the world. It really makes me happy to see that Harry is so loved and cherished. He deserves all the happiness in the world.”
There were loud noises of appreciation through the audience.
Petite, beautiful, high born, pure blood, intelligent and most importantly a woman...what’s there not to like about her. She was the ideal life companion Harry deserved. Even, Ron himself, who had every reason to hate her could not seem to find any fault in her. In contrast he was always work in progress. He was his own saboteur.
He and Harry seemed over for real. Harry had moved on. Harry had found love he was proud of showing off the world. Harry had found love worth protecting and fighting for.. But still a part of him throbbed with burning question was he not worth protecting. He was burnt at stake and Harry kept mum. Only if Harry had said something then...
Closure...he never got the closure from Harry. Harry left him the day he caught Ron sleeping with Lee. He tried desperately to apologise, to repent and do everything he could to hold on to Harry but Harry was unrelenting.
When they got engaged, they made a magical vow to always be together. They were giddy in love. It was a soul mate vow which Hermione had researched for them after they had begged her. They wanted something tangible to cement their feelings and since wedding between male wizards was out of question they had settled for the most powerful binding vow. Hermione had warned them that it was very ancient and powerful spell. It was “death doth us apart spell”. It was unbreakable..almost ..only the most powerful wizard could break it.
He felt his heart breaking into million pieces the day Harry broke the spell. It meant he had no chance of redemption. He had made an unforgivable mistake that Harry didn’t deem fit to listen to his pleas before punishing him. He left England leaving Ron alone to deal with aftermath. The aftermath was brutal.
And then came Rita Skeeter expose.
“Always unlucky in love...When will tragedy end for Harry Potter..”
“A saga of betrayal by the man he loved the most”
“Story of sex, lies and manipulation...how Ron Weasley won the heart of Harry and stabbed him in the back”
“Weasleys...second family of Harry or parasites of wizarding world.”
“Molly Weasley..a woman blind with ambition whored first her daughter than her son.”
“Manwhore gold digger”Ronald Weasley and list of his alleged conquests”
“Come back..Harry..we love you..”
He, his parents, his sister, his brothers were slandered mercilessly.
“I am sorry, father. I brought this to our family.” He had wept to his dad one day when it was getting insufferable.
“It will pass away..son.”
“What the hell was I thinking”
“Every one makes mistakes. We are humans. You are just twenty, son. In a way it’s my fault too. “
“What do you mean, dad?l
“You were so withdrawn. You had stopped smiling. You talked only when asked. You were unhappy. In my own grief, I failed you, my son.”
They say time was the best healer. Harry never returned. His break up with Harry became stale news. Rita Skeeter moved on to new salacious gossip. The only silver lining of those time was the change in George. George finally accepted the reality of Fred’s death. Their big family once again rallied together to save each other. Each day was better than previous one. He took charge of accounting and marketing part of the shop and George remained the creative head. Ginny got married to Draco to everyone’s surprise. He became uncle to the most beautiful girl, Victoire, Bill’s daughter. The tiny hope inside his heart that Harry would come back to him never wavered, may not as a lover , of course he had burnt that bridge, but as his best friend...his mate.
Harry did not even acknowledge him today. He did not spare a single glance at his direction. It seemed that Ron was invisible to him. He stayed by Astoria’s side all evening and after inauguration, they did not stay any longer to interact with people. They were in their cosy bubble exchanging secret glances and smiles. It felt like their relationship was built on close friendship and mutual understanding. He was an outsider looking in. He was replaced. He did not matter to Harry at all.
And the tiniest minuscule hope always burning inside his heart got extinguished like candle in the wind. He had lost his best friend, his lover and his soul mate forever.