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Chapter Text

Light from the windows, morning hath cometh. The light that blindeth the black-haired, blue-eyed Japanese schoolgirl that is Kagura Hikari, a transfer student from the Royal Academy of Theatrical Actors and the childhood friend of Aijou Karen.

Now lying in a bed, wrapped in a friggin' weighted blanket because she's too lazy to do anything. Because there is OF COURSE NOTHING ELSE TO DO!

Karen, or rather Bakaren, begged for her childhood friend to get up, while Mahiru--actually, Mamahiru--raged at her face all the while threatening to force her to clean the whole room up.

Some purple-haired girl with a bell hair tie named Junna Hoshimi, or as Bakaren calls her, JunJun, kicked the door down and demanded to know what's going on. Both Mamahiru and Bakaren explained, and JunJun told Hikari to get up or she'll leave her behind in mathematics.

Which did not threaten her at all.

So she decided to bribe some tall blonde girlfriend of hers named Banana, who is very Bananice!, to cook the black-haired girl's favorite meal. Which did not rouse her from her lazy stupor at all.

Some half-French girl named Kuro and a brunette named Maya entered the room KISSING, leading to JunJun scolding them for kissing in public and ordered them to get Hikari out of bed, which they did. The result? Hikari bashing their head with her Mr. White plush, leading the two to kiss each other again FOR NO ABHORRENT REASON. JunJun be mad!

The abhorrent gremlin that is Kaoruko laughed at the girls' frustrations, claiming that she can wake her up if they gave her all of their pocket money. Bakaren paid all her pocket money despite JunJun's and Mamahiru's objections. Cue air horns used by Rukogremlin against Hikari. It's not very super effective at all, but it does led to Souda-sensei going down hard on the damn gremlin for lots of noise pollution.

Futaba isn't present, because all she's doing is working on her motorcycle. And it worked, because trying to get Hikari to wake the heck up and stop being lazy will frustrate her to no end. And if the damn gremlin be trollin' her she swatting her.

Those two girls who are in a relationship, named Amemiya and Masai or whatever, were dragged into the whole mess by JunJun very forcefully, and were pressured to strip the upcoming role Hikari might be playing just to get that Mr. White lover to get up. And it still is not working at all!

And so Mamahiru - or was it Rukogremlin? - decided to snitch Hikari on Souda-sensei, Karasuma and Watari just because she's being lazy. The three came in to punish her, and FAILED because Hikari had prepared lots of Mr. White plushies to bury the three with. Also, rope dagger, because they be tied up.

Time for JunJun to go Rager Mode, GAMER MODE! By simply calling in friends from Rinmeikan, Frontier, Seatbelt, Aoi Arashi and RATA/Dondonschool.

First to arrive were the girls from Rinmeikan, and JunJun asked them for help in getting Hikari up. Unfortunately for JunJun Tamao announced her declaration of war against Rukogremlin to compete her for the position of best couple, which is won last year by Maya and Kuro. Yuyuko fell asleep from all the running, while Ichie tormented the ponzu-drinking Fumi with pranks to no end, and Rui is Rui.

Second to arrive were Aruru and friends from Frontier. Unfortunately for JunJun, Shizuha is too busy playing online games with her parents because THAT IS HOW SHE COMMUNICATES WITH THEM, and Lalafin jumped on Hikari's weighted blanket just to wake her up, even though it wasn't working to begin with. Only Tsukasa is willing to help, as Aruru is too busy being a happy sunshine while Misora is talking to her parents by phone.

And Tsukasa's attempts to wake Hikari simply failed, because Kirin knows why. At least she tried her best, tho.

Next to arrive are the girls from Seatbelt. Smol Michiru's large-as-hell ahoge touched the neck of Akira, who is trying to use a smartphone all the while under duress from smol Michiru, who's also munching down lotsa peanuts and acorns. Yachiyo is too busy flirting with Mei Fan, who is trying to get to wake Hikari up by using martial arts, which still didn't work. Shiori, being the nicest of the bunch, offered Hikari some tea, which she accepted but then went back to her weighted blanket because OF COURSE she's too lazy! Though she does accept the cup of tea offered to her by the good Shiori.

The girls from Seiran, officially Aoi Arashi, also came in to help out. JunJun begged Koharu to help get Hikari up. And what did Koharu do? She began eating chocornets and riceballs without a single damn care while teaching Kanji to Suzu, whose braincells were dying from trying to learn Kanji. Hisame, despite being the sane one, had trouble comprehending the fact that soba is actually flour, which is basically common sense.

Finally, Hikari's old colleagues - the students of the Dondonschool - came to help. Judy proclaiming her love for Hikari is enough to get herself whacked in the face with a Mr. White plushie, thrown by the lazy black-haired girl. Poor Judy's head is stuck in a wall, while Rosalie, Aishwarya and Elizabeth were instead ignored, and those three girls were tied up thanks to Hikari's rope dagger.

And so the girls called it a day, and went to the living room of the desolate dorms for a meeting or hanging out or some reason. Then came an idea from Aruru, who vouched for a visit to the Underground Theater so they can get Kirin to help out. Rukogremlin and Tamao agreed, before jointly declaring war on Abominamole out of pure hatred.

And so they stormed the Underground Theater, where Kirin, who is sipping lots of water from some massive lake on the stage that doesn't make any sense, was at. As usual, Ellelle and Abominamole appeared, and the latter gets attacked by Rukogremlin and Tamao out of pure hatred, much to Ellelle's distress and traumatic depression. After calming down for a bit, Kirin has no interest in getting Hikari to rise from her bed and be productive. The girls thought they could bribe Hikari with jellyfishies and Mr. White but Kirin said they're all unavailable: all aquariums closed for maintenance and no new Mr. White merchandise. They demanded for revues or etudes, but Kirin is too busy drinking water from the damn lake and Ellelle is still crying over Abominamole getting hurt.

Just as their braincells are at world's end, all of them immediately had an idea. A new idea that would get Hikari to get out of bed and be productive. It's big brain time for the stage girls.

And that would require friends of theirs. Yes! Friends of Bakaren and her harems! And it will all happen three days from now....

Chapter Text

During the course of three days, Bakaren and her friends or harems sent messages after messages to their non-stage girl friends. From the incredible mad scientist Hououin Kyouma and his conspiracy group - consisting of his trusty assistants Mayuri and Kurisutina, the Super Haker, a girl who speaks little but types very fast on her phone by the name of Shining Fingers, a girl dressed in car ears and maid outfit, and Part Time Warrior - to the school idols of Aqours, Muse and Nijigasaki, to the band girls (Poppin'Party are friends of the stage girls, after all!), to some girl named Cardcaptor Sakura and her friends, to katana-wielding aradama-fighting schoolgirls called the Toji, and the Symphogear users.

Oh, and also, the Tojis also brought their friends - Yuuki Yuuna and her Hero Club (from a world where they fight the Heavenly Gods and Vertexes); Nonoha and her friends from the Time-Space Administration Bureau; a girl named Miyuki Shiba and her friends (brother included) from some Earth which is completely fucked up beyond comprehension; a bunch of "YoRHa" androids; a bunch of friends from Orario; Misaka Mikoto and her friends from Academy City; Maria Traydor, Rena Lanford and their friends from some low-tech high-magic world; Ruby Azumi, Makoto Mitsurugi and friends; Yuzu Fujisawa and friends; an idol group called GEMS COMPANY; and another idol group called DOLLS.

At the third day, basically a Saturday, they finally arrived, ready to sow chaos to Hikari just so she will get out of bed. Bakaren and her friends then left to the Underground Theater, where they begged Kirin to bring their friends into the Underground Theater. Kirin is too busy drinking water from the massive lake but the girls bribed him with lots of kiramekis, to which he agreed but only if they fight each other in a Revue, which the girls begrudgingly did.

Their wish granted, the stage girls' friends were all brought down to the Underground Theater, to their shock and surprise. After lotsa explanations from the girls, they became fascinated but JunJun yelled at them to focus on the task before them: Hikari still in a bed and weighted blanket. And so began the maddening chaos to get her out of bed!

The school idols were the first to act, performing a variety of songs including the infamous Starlight performed back at the Love Live Performance, something that made Banana go not Bananice! and go absolutely Bananas. A failure, but the school idols will not perform the provocative Starlight song. "I HATE THAT STARLIGHT!" Banana shouted in rage.

Next on the list is Hououin Kyouma, who used his D-Mail to achieve the Steins;Gate timeline where Hikari gets out of bed. He achieved that timeline but Hikari still refused to get out of bed. Repeated attempts led to the existence of the Committee of 300 and their associates, who got wind of the Underground Theater and stormed it. Kirin didn't take that lightly and had the Korosu crush them to bits. Afterwards defeating them he restored the timeline afterwards, and the Committee of 300 attacked the Underground Theater, and then the times killed the Committee of 300 so they can going to bed.

The Time-Space Administration Bureau is next on the list. Using magic they attempt to get Hikari's metabolism to fire up. All it did was making Hikari's rope dagger to tie them up in a questionable way. Hikari's rope dagger is lewd cuz Mamahiru and Bakaren liked it that way. And Maya is raising and lowering her brows while smiling.

Frustrated over Hikari's stubbornness, Banana brought JunJun out of the Underground Theater and into the practice room at Seisho to practice at in order to get rid of all the stress, with Banana playing as Phantom and JunJun playing as the High Priestess. Twenty minutes later and the two return, all clammy in sweat. Everyone literally assumed the two did more than just practice, despite JunJun's objections. Her blushing made the folks assume that she and Banana really did more than just practice.

The Tojis are next on the menu. Kanami offered a match with Hikari, while Hiyori offer lots of chocomint ice creams. Sayaka and Mai offer lots of cookies, while Kohagura Ellen try to pull Hikari out of the bed. Mashiko Kaoru is sleeping next to Hikari, much to the anger of Bakaren and Mamahiru, who beats her up for the offense of sleeping with their Hikari. Suzuka is flirting with Maki, while Yume begged for a match to Hikari, and Yomi only offer saltlesss riceballs.

Mihono, Kiyoka, and Chie listened to Mirja on the best course of action, while Kofuki is busy attacking aradama. The four Tojis then dragged Kofuki away from the aradama just so they and the stage girls and school idols will perform a series of songs and performances and whatever, solo or otherwise. Starlight isn't included, because it is way too much provocative in terms of choreography.

Cardcaptor Sakura herself then used the cards she have at her disposal to encourage Hikari to get more active at practicing. Miyuki uses her magic to make the weighted blanket more warm, the Hero Club tries to put on a show with help from Seatbelt, and the band girls play an assortment of musics, arranged into medleys, the Tojis' friends from Orario gather everyone in the Familia to force Hikari out of bed, and both DOLLS and GEMS COMPANY perform before Hikari.

All of which isn't working. Not even Mikoto and her friends utilized their stuffs to impress Hikari. Not even the others. Maria Traydor and Rena Lanford and their friends tried their best, even cooking dishes for Hikari to eat, but they still fail. All the food they made were instead eaten by all those who tried to wake the damn lazy girl up.

And that's when Masai and Amemiya appear, and it's big brain time for the two. After an unholy amount of three hours of big brainstorming, their big brains have devised A VERY GOOD IDEA for a play, a play that would get Hikari up and running, even making her practice again.

And what does their big brains required for this play? Reusing and recycling everything from the Arcana Arcadia play, the band girls' and school idols' performances, Nishino Elle's Elle Note, the Mad Scientists play, and a few other plays the stage girls have done like the Sherlock Holmes vs Arsene Lupin play, the Two Holmes: Elementary Deduction play, and the Takamagahara Priestesses play. The Tojis, Future Gadget Club, idols, school idols, Cardcaptor and co., band girls, Symphogear users, and Tojis' friends are more than willing to participate in this mighty endeavor, if only because the insanity of waking Hikari up and getting her out of bed is putting a dent on their sanity which, in turn, will destroy all their braincells, which they really needed to do some thinking, big brain times and big brain-storming times.

And these, combined with whatever braincells they have in mind, will require one thing: Nishino Elle and her Elle Note, which has the power to make Re:LIVEs. And so long as they kept all their braincells alive and their sanity intact, they will be fine. OR WILL THEY?

Chapter Text

After an unholy week or so of big brain time, big brain-storming time, lots of begging Kirin, Souda-sensei, Yukari-sama and Yakumo-sensei, so much chocornets and riceballs being devoured alive by Koharu, Banana going bananas, a lot of practicing and singing and dancing and fighting, so much revues that always happen every thirty minutes, an endless amount of cuddles with Bakaren and Hikari, lots of Steins;Gate timeline attempts, drinking all of Fumi's ponzu supplies, a ridiculous amount of Rukogremlin antics, Rukogremlin and Tamao waging war upon each other and then at Abominamole, eating their most hated foods and so on, they are finally, FINALLY ready to begin their greatest play!

But let's get back to what the heck are the folks doing. Starting ONE MONTH FROM NOW.

One unholy week earlier...

Preparations for a mighty stage had already begun in the Starry Desert, where Bakaren went to save and defeat Hikari in the Revue of Astral Sins (renamed to the Revue of Starlight Gathering), where the two jointly said "Position Zero", allowing the 99th production of Starlight, the new Starlight with a beautiful ending, to be produced. The construction began one hour after preparations were already complete, and so many Suzudaru Cats, which made Mamahiru gush with happiness, began building the stage, a stage similar to how the Colosseum was built for gladiatorial combat. And this requires millions of Suzudaru Cats, factories, space agencies and aerospace companies appropriated or 'requisitioned' by Kirin, lots of snacks and drinks, lots of anime, 3D printers, construction 3D printers that are based on the Chiral Printers from Death Stranding, and lots of resources that appear out of thin air. Construction is complete for over seven hours.

While plans to produce the outfits and props necessary for the grand play is already in the making, students (from Raizen High School), spirits and wizards (DEM Industries and Anti-Spirit Team) from Tengu City and students from Shuui'chin Academy happened to stumble upon the Starry Desert and the Underground Theater. The root cause of all this? DEM Industries, the Anti-Spirit Team, Ratatoskr, and Asgard Electronics received word of unusual activities (which they thought to be spacequakes) occurring underneath Tokyo, especially Seisho Music Academy, Rinmeikan Girls School, Frontier School of Arts, Seatbelt/Siegfeld Institute of Music and Seiran General Arts School. At the same time, students and teachers from Raizen High School and Shuui'chin Academy who were on tour to Tokyo evacuated underground, unknowingly stumble upon a bunch of elevators leading to the Underground Theater.

Despite the horrifying confrontations between the wizards, spirits, students and teachers, stage girls, Chorus and Korosu Girls, and Suzudaru Cats, Kirin roped all of them into the production of the grand play. Sir Isaac Ray Peram Westcott wants to have all the radiance but the stage responded by striking him where it hurts: pummeling his groin with every props unrelated to the grand play. Ellen Mira Mathers would find herself in a bind when Hikari's lewd weapon tied her up, allowing for Bakaren to tell literally everyone what is at stake before she and the stage girls demonstrate everything to them; the wizards and spirits didn't listen, and yet they were defeated by the stage girls. This mesmerized the students, spirits and wizards. Even Sir Isaac is taken aback at how desperate and willing the stage girls are becoming to make Hikari get out of bed.

Once all is said and done, everyone focused on producing the grand play that is soon to come. Costumes were made as well as old costumes being brought up for the grand play. Among the costumes were those worn back in the Arcana Arcadia performance. Once again, JunJun and Banana left for Seisho's training room just so the former will calm down. Meanwhile, the spirits also called in friends from Gamindustri, of all things, inviting both the Goddesses and all their friends into the fun show. And Hikari, now in her revue outfit is still a mood.

Songs have to be made, and songs brought back for the play. Bakaren, still in her revue outfit, inserted herself into her childhood friend and wrap her arms around her, who immediately begins pushing her off of her bed. Yet Bakaren refuse to budge, leading to Hikari being a bit forceful. She does not want Bakaren to sleep with her. Plutia turned into Iris Heart and warned Hikari if she keeps doing so. Her response? Tying Iris Heart up with her lewd rope dagger, or rope lewdagger. Surprised pikachu faces on everyone's faces. Even Iris Heart has the surprised pikachu face on her face.

This gave Hikari the chance to forcefully kick Bakaren off of her bed before wrapping herself in the weighted blanket. Enraged by that act, Mamahiru began slamming her mace in a very state of very angery madnessy rage, scaring all but Hikari, who is not even phased by that. It takes Bakaren to calm her down, but deep in her heart she felt hurt by how Hikari treated her.

More props were required, so they have to get the various stuffs from all stage acting schools in Tokyo and Dondon. Nishino Elle was then visited by Arururururururu, Bakaren, Akira, Tamao, Koharu and Judy and provided her lots of ideas, which would be used as fuel for the grand play. Elle, now shining with radiance that would make everyone run for cover from the burning radiance, began writing them all down on her Elle Note. This would lead to a burning fuel of radiance burning at an even more height than ever before, and now the stage is making itself for the grand play that is soon to come.

Meanwhile, Love Detective Chika exposed what JunJun and Banana were doing, kissing and hugging each other. While some of the girls fangirl over the two kissing and hugging each other, Banana went bananas on those fangirls, who run away and had all their clothes cut and sliced. The wizards, spirits, Symphogear users, Hayasaka Ai, the Hero Club, the TSAB, the "YoRHa" android, the Science Side and Magic Side allied with or against Academy City, the magicians (from the world Miyuki Shiba and co were from), and medieval fantasy friends tried to stop her, but they got topped by Banana, who is still depressed because she does not want all to go away and make her feel all lonely. Bakaren is the only one who topped Banana, so it is normal for the stage girls to have Bakaren top Banana. Bakaren topping Banana makes Banana a very happy Banana.

Meanwhile, Maya and Kuro had the belligerent sexual tensions between each other. Their revue, the Revue of BURNING LOVE!, has the two fighting each other, holding on to each other and KISSING each other. Fangirls be squirming upon this sight, but Maya and Kuro topped the fangirls because they disturbed their revue, and so continued with their revue afterwards. And finally, Futaba comes in, riding atop her mighty motorcycle and using her halberd as if she's jousting to carry a bunch of boxes of Kinako Sticks on a plastic bag or cellophane. She swiveled her motorcycle before stopping before Rukogremlin, who proceeds to eat them all the while forcing the fangirls, who were force-fed hot spicy foods by Akira and lots of ponzu by Fumi (who brought more stashes of ponzus beforehand), to massage her feet. Also, Michiru had prepared a bunch of orbital space stations for use as prisons for the dumb fangirls who fangirl over Kuro and Maya fighting, holding onto, and kissing each other. Oh, and Shiori punished the fangirls just by being Chariot, having an actual chariot drawn by horses to make the fangirls run from her while she chase them all down with her massive hordes of massive and smol Chariots.

Also, Itsuka Shido was under the thought that all stage girls, Goddesses and CPUs, Symphogear users and medieval fantasy friends were all spirits. He was proven wrong after Ratatoskr, AST and DEM did some scanning on them, and they found they are not. That doesn't save him, the wizards and the spirits from the wrath of Hikari and Mamahiru, who tied them with her rope lewdagger and pummel them with her mace.

Scripts were for the many, many zany, zany characters who will be played by all those involved and roped in the grand play. The credits are also made, too! Kiryuin Shinobu, the woman who directed Arise All You Sons, was contacted by JunJun, who then dragged her into the Underground Theater and Starry Desert. She understood that Hikari is a mood, and there fore is willing to provide all the help she can give, albeit extremely strict.

Finally, it is high time for all those involved to practice with the stage girls. Under the directions of Kiryuin, Masai and Amemiya, they trained, sing, danced, acted, and fight in order to become deep in their roles. Roles, training and acting methods were adapted to better suit the folks involved in the training for the grand play. In the span of a whole week, they labored, practicing for their roles. Roles that would bring about the grand play's greatest objective: to get Hikari out of bed.

During this timespan, Bakaren approached Hikari many times in her free time. Every time she tries to pull Hikari out, she refused to get out of bed. Every time she gets into bed with Hikari, she kicks her out of her bed that still enrage Mamahiru. Every time she tries to feed food to Hikari, she eats them or refuse to do so. Every time she tries to kiss her, Hikari turns her head away. Every time she tries to hug her, Hikari pushes her away, which still piss Mamahiru off over and over. And every time Bakaren tries to say something to her, Hikari either covered her ears, bury herself into her weighted blanket, or do nothing, letting Bakaren's words fall on deaf ears.

Mamahiru had to be restrained by Suzu because Hikari won't let Bakaren have her way, and even Banana is worried that Bakaren might become depressed. Sensing that, Mamahiru flew into a vindictive rage across the stage, smashing only non-essential stages along the way. Even Hououin Kyouma knew that Bakaren will be heavily and deeply affected by Hikari's objections and refusals, with his friend the Super Haker suggesting that Hikari may have to divorce her own childhood friend outright. That idea, even if hypothetical, horrified literally everyone present. And so they trained harder, smarter, and faster.

Also they have to stop Maya and Kuro from fighting with, dancing with, acting with, singing with, holding onto, and kissing each other. Because it's unnecessary yuriness. And again they all trained harder, smarter and faster.

After an unholy week or so of big brain time, big brain-storming time, lots of begging Kirin, Souda-sensei, Yukari-sama and Yakumo-sensei, so much chocornets and riceballs being devoured alive by Koharu, Banana going bananas, a lot of practicing and singing and dancing and fighting, so much revues that always happen every thirty minutes, an endless amount of cuddles with Bakaren and Hikari, lots of Steins;Gate timeline attempts, drinking all of Fumi's ponzu supplies, a ridiculous amount of Rukogremlin antics, Rukogremlin and Tamao waging war upon each other and then at Abominamole, eating their most hated foods and so on, they are finally, FINALLY ready to begin their greatest play!

Chapter Text

Like before, light hast blindeth the girl that is Kagura Hikari, the childhood friend of Aijou Karen and the stubborn one who refuse to get out of bed and instead put herself under a weighted blanket just because there is nothing else to do. She did not like that, and closer eyes tighter than would she hug Mr. White than before.

"Wake up," came the voice of Bakaren, of all people, but with a voice that sounded like one who run through something very contralto. "Wake up, your highness," Bakaren addressed her, this time not as her usual Bakaren-ey self but as if she's playing a role. Once the stubborn one open her eyes, she finds her genki childhood friend to be decked in her blue-and-red revue outfit, but for reasons unknown she appears to have some sort of tiara-whatever-it-is on her head. This doesn't faze Hikari just for one fuuuuuuuuuuuu-ing second.

"We art far from thine homeland, so we must make haste, lest we encounter the enemy who may will hath thine crown and thou," said her not-so-genki-but-is-maybe-roleplaying-for-some-shit-reason childhood girlfriend. The stubborn Hikari puts her hand on her head, just to feel a crown, or a tiara or whatever that is the Star Tiara, on her head. Even though she has a diadem. "Now come, for we may not be safe," finished Bakaren before sliding her arms underneath the stubborn girl and princess-bridal-carry her. Hikari is not amused.

Looking around in blatant annoyance, it appears the two were in some sort of forest, some tropical rainforest or whatever, and behind the two is a beach and a wreckage of some shiteboat-of-the-century, likely some galleon plagiarized from Pirates of the Caribbeans: On Stranger Tides, especially the one used by the Spaniard and his men to go to some weird magicky island and destroy some fountain which can grant eternal youth through human sacrifices or whatever. Also around the wreckage appears to be some floating bodies, also dressed in Spanish attires from that same movie or whatever. Also, knight attires from Wartime of Farewells. Also, lotsa Mr. Whites, much to Hikari's horror. Also in the distance are some approaching plagiarized galleons heading right towards the wrecked galleon.

As the two (or rather, just a knightess bridal-carrying Hikari, still dressed in her revue outfit) went deeper into the forest, a few cannon fires from the galleons boomed. "They're here," cursed Bakaren quietly, before legging it faster, avoiding anything that may trip or harm her. She must have good eyesight or something, but whatever.

Once in the clear, or rather, deep in the freaking rainforest, the two would find themselves facing a fat wide chasm, and the area between the chasm is very very foggy, very foggy more than even the worst climate disasters Dondon had to be offered an experience roughly on a lifetime. "We must climb down," said Bakaren to Hikari whom she puts down on the ground and---wait, where the heck is that blasted weighted blanket? Did it just disappeared out of thin air or something? Or was it--

Hikari didn't get to look around, unfortunately, because Bakaren grabbed her hand and scaled down the mighty chasm.

Unbeknownst to Hikari, Souda-sensei, Yakumo-sensei, Kirin, Ellelle, Abominamole and a few others are watching from the spectator seats. "Up the ante," said Souda-sensei to Amemiya and Masai absentmindedly, "needs more noises." Then says Ellelle, "And a river and an underground river, too!"

Halfway climbing down, some armed folks, this time from the galleons that approached the crashed galleon, appear at the top, opening fire at them and MISSING THEM AT THE SAME FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU TIME. And more armed folks might appear to fire their muskets or whatever down right at them. "We have no time," said Bakaren to her childhood friend, whose hand she grasp as she look down. "Wait, what are you doing?" ask Hikari, who look down just to find out why. "Wait, I have a rope dagger! Don't even think of--"

But it was too late. Bakaren jumped and pulled Hikari down towards whatever lies below. "BAAAAAAAAAAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" howled a very angry Hikari, who was immediately pulled by Bakaren, who tied her to her with her rope dagger so that the two will never be separated. And then a mighty splash of water. The two find themselves floating down a river whose current is strong it is literally bringing them to an underground river. Cue rollercoaster-like sequence and some carnival-ish funky music from a Jurassic Park arcade game.

"I'll get us some snacks and drinks-doryu!" said Abominamole, which left all the while fighting off the very angery Rukogremlin and Tamao, both of whom despised the abomination that is Abominamole, the Andrew the Mole. "GET BACK HERE YOU DISGUSTING WENCH!" shouted a very angery Rukogremlin.

"BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH," remarked Ellelle text-to-speech-like.

Now the two are floating in a river after coming out of that wench that is the underground river, which looks less like an underground river and more like Banana's kitchen for some reason or whatever shit reason. And once the two came to be, they would find themselves KISSING. Both are blushing, and once on dry land, the two worked to untie themselves. "Don't do that again, Bakaren," said an angry but concerned Hikari, "don't you know how worried I am when you---"

She gets cut off as Bakaren princess-carried here, and simultaneously her weighted blanket returned. "We're alright, your Highness," said Bakaren, "...we should continue on our way." And with that, she carried Hikari away, who screamed her name out of blatant frustrations.

"Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh," came the TTS-like reactions of Amemiya, Masai, Souda-sensei and Yakumo-sensei.

After five hours of trekking their way through the shit rainforest the two finally arrived at another beach. "We should be safe here, your Highness," said Bakaren to Hikari, who is still fuming mad about her childhood friend's blatant idiocy and disregard for their own lives. "Are you still alright," asked the question from Bakaren, with eyes showing concern over her well-being.

"Baka..." replied Hikari, "...BAKAREN!" As if on cue, the two can hear the sounds of guns being loaded, and turn around just to find the armed folks, either mercenaries or pirates or whatever, aiming their weapons at them. The leader of the armed folks, apparently played by the ever Lonely Heart Noire, approached the two and said, "Evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil capture capture capture capture capture capture capture capture extort extort extort extort extort extort extort extort night night night night night night night night night ravish ravish ravish ravish ravish ravish ravish ravish ravish ruin ruin ruin ruin ruin ruin ruin ruin ruin ruin ruin ruin blackmail blackmail blackmail blackmail blackmail blackmail blackmail blackmail enslave enslave enslave enslave enslave enslave enslave enslave enslave threaten threaten threaten threaten threaten threaten threaten threaten threaten threaten rule your kingdom rule your kingdom rule your kingdom rule your kingdom rule your kingdom rule your kingdom rule your kingdom rule your kingdom rule your kingdom rule your kingdom tyranny tyranny tyranny tyranny tyranny tyranny tyranny tyranny tyranny tyranny age of piracy age of piracy age of piracy age of piracy age of piracy age of piracy age of piracy age of piracy age of piracy."

While Bakaren glared at the armed folks' leader, Hikari is confused at what the hell is Noire saying. "What are you even sayi--" Hikari was cut off asking that question by Noire who simply told her, "This is a play to get you out of bed, so shut up."

A few hours later, the captured Bakaren and Hikari were tied up and gagged, held captive by the armed folks' leader, who smile sadistically right at the two as she tells them what she (or he, because Noire is wearing pants, after all) intends to do to them in the night. To Hikari it sounded like: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah kill your family kill your family kill your family kill your family kill your family kill your family kill your family kill your family ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ravish you both ruin your lives ruin your lives ruin your lives ruin your lives ruin your lives ruin your lives ruin your lives ruin your lives ruin your lives ruin your lives enslave you both enslave you both enslave you both enslave you both enslave you both enslave you both enslave you both enslave you both enslave you both enslave you both."

"Can't you even speak up, Noire?" ask an annoyed Hikari, to whom Noire replied, "Shut it, we're all forcing you to get out of bed." Then she tightens the gag around Hikari's mouth.

Lotsa cannons being fired outside, however. The armed folks' leader exited to see what is going on. Bakaren nudged at Hikari as she moves her arms slowly and moderately to loosen the bonds that kept them in captivity. Hikari followed her childhood friend's example, but only because she wants to go to bed. Once the two are out, Bakaren bridal-carried her again and exits just to find a massive battle taking place at night, between the galleons of the armed folks, ships belonging to Edward Teach (played by Saijou Claudine), and other ships. Also there's a whirlpool or many where the many ships can fight with each other at just because it is fun. Also because ripping off Pirates of the Caribbeans: At World's End is madness. Fortunately, the ship the two were on board is just farther away from any of the whirlpools.

"Your Highness, we have to jump!" said Bakaren to Hikari, just as the armed folks' leader shouted at her/his henchfolks to stop the two from escaping. So annoyed is Hikari that she immediately agreed, and thus the two jumped onto the water. While swimming their way up to the surface, Hikari saw what appears to be the kraken and the leviathan (they're actually just random stuffs Class A and Class B are busy moving for the grand play), but Bakaren grabbed her by the collar and swam towards the surface, and then swam for a galleon that was disengaging from the fight.

The two snuck on board, but then a massive hurricane and tornado ruin the whole thing up. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!" screamed an even more frustrated Hikari as she and Bakaren got plucked out of the ship by the accursed tornado or hurricane or something. "Hang on, your Highness!" Bakaren wrap her arms around Hikari, who blush even harder than before. "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed as the two were being flung by the hurricane.

While Masai and Amemiya are kissing each other, Shiori, who just happen to be passing by, looked at what is happening, both at the grand play and the Spectator Seats. Alongside Yachiyo (who is wearing the Shame Sweater) and Mei Fan (who's busy drinking Fumi's ponzus), who were also passing by, they and Shiori can let out a TTS-like "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."

Chapter Text

Somewhere in Teyvat/Tevyat/whatever

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Raiden Shogun, aka Baal, screamed in abso-fucking-lute horror as she watched the white bathroom door getting chopped to pieces by Lumine, who is out for her booba sword of all things. "HERE'S LUMI!" announced a very hungry/thirsty Lumine as she peek through the broken piece of a bathroom door.

"HELP! HELP!" Baal screamed in straight out panic. "I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE YOUR WEAPON! AAAAAH! NOOOO!" She scream before screaming even louder as the crazy Traveler began chopping the bathroom door. Baal in a bathroom means she's literally doomed to be used as a sheath for her booba sword.

Just as the Traveler destroyed the bathroom door some spear-wielding guy from the Inazuma Bakufu or Inazuma Bakery or whatever rushed and announced that a few foreigners are here. Not long after the wall behind the shoguness got ripped apart by some person who looks like Kiana Kaslana donning the form of the Herrschler of the Void. You thought she is Kiana but it is her, the Unknown God!

Who then drags the two to the place where Baal tried to take Thoma's Vision or whatever. Apparently she (the Unknown God) also brought Lumine's friends/harem/whatever. Also strapped to some chairs are the real (but a clone of) Kiana and all her friends, allies and enemies. Also apparently, the Unknown God pulled out a letter (written to Theresa Apocalypse by Banana) and reads it a loud. Unfortunately she can't read so she pulls out some glasses and then reads it aloud.

It's a message to Banana's friends in the multiverse where Kiana, the Traveler, the Unknown God and their allies and enemies came from. And the letter is asking for all of them to help Hikari get out of bed cuz she be a mood mood mood. Also, Aether (le Prince of the Abyss Order) gets bonked by Baal very cruelly because he staring right at her chest, cuz boba sword.

The Unknown God then opens up a portal and literally kicked fucking everyone who were the Travelers, Kiana and all their friends (including Ayaka, Theresa, Fischl, Jean, Lisa and several others Lumine met along the way) into the fucking universe where Bakaren and friends were at.

Starry Desert and Underground Theater, Tokyo

"Sleepy sleepy sleepy sleepy sleepy sleepy sleepy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy mood mood mood mood mood mood mood mood hates getting out of bed hates getting out of bed hates getting out of bed hates getting out of bed hates getting out of bed hates getting out of bed hates getting out of bed need your help need your help need your help need your help need your help need your help need your help," explained Bakaren to her recently-arrived friends as Mamahiru went on a fucking rampage as she bulli Rukogremlin for calling her Bakaren's wife.

They all understood and agree, and as JunJun was about to explain what Banana said, Lumine and Aether chase poor Baal in the backstage while the whole fucking stage is being prepared to accommodate the new arrivals and their upcoming roles in the Grand Play. Also Tamao be bitchin' poor Abominamole cuz she hates him. Mona begged to JunJun for money as Klee terrorized fucking Seatbelt secretly much to Jean's fucking chagrin and fucking ire.

Also Zhongli MUST HAVE ORDER! and sends some dog-shit asteroid down upon the stage to bring all their stuffs, and ruin the stage that allows for the construction of a much even grander stage and more props and costumes and musics and shit. The Committee of 300 aka The Organization also appeared but they were brought in line by Klee, Mamahiru, TENDOU MAYA!, Kuro, and all their friends and also Zhongli telling the Organization THEY MUST HAVE ORDER! by sending that comet down at them just to give them ORDER!.

Lotsa training, music, singing, practicing, acting and battle took place, and lots of kissings cuz TENDOU MAYA! and Kuro love each other. Also Banana and JunJun were away with everything thinking Banana be looding JunJun despite the two wanting to get some sleep.

Lisa electrocutes some Rounders not because they want to kidnap all the friends but also because she enjoys it, also much to fucking Jean's fucking chagrin. Hououin Kyouma, Fischl, JunJun and Banana (the latter two having went back from actually getting sleep for a few short minutes or so before being woken by Bakaren of all things) perform the Hououin Kyouma poses and shouted, "HOOOOOOOUOOOOOOOUIN KYOOOOOOUMAAAAAAA! HOU-OU-IN KYOU-MA!"

Kurisutina brought the Time Leap Machine, actually a prop version, to the whole place and provided some Moad Snakes. Futaba is still fixing her motorcycle while Rukogremlin Tamao wage open war against Abominamole whose cousins the Colorful Andrews got also smashed by the two just for getting in their fucking way. Venti gets absolutely self-demolished when he/she/they drank too much alcohol she bought from the supermarket.

And then Amemiya and Masai appear, announcing the new roles they have in mind. Everyone celebrates and then began practicing for the Grand Play. It took 24 hours of stressful practice and the traditional hardcore training to get them up and running for the roles they will play in the Grand Play. Also they trained hard so they can use their powers harmlessly. And during the training those who trained in traditional practices were trained by Kamisato Ayaka, Tamao and Rukogremlin cuz they traditional girls cuz they beautiful girls.

After 24 hours of traditional hardcore training, hazing and practicing they are all ready for the Grand Play.

Chapter Text

Hikari woke up after feeling something wiggling in her mouth. And of fucking course there's a fish in her mouth! Spat out the fish she, and looked around she herself just to find herself and Bakaren in some cringe place that was none than other some aridy hellhole where the sun can hurt people the most.

"Hey, you two!" came the voice of Aruru, who approached them while dressed as Jack the Kid. "You're not supposed to be here, and you don't seem to be like any o' us folks 'round here," she told them before asking, "so pardon if I ask fer yer names?" Hikari, now annoyed, replied, "Watashi wa Kagura Hikari desu, and---" Bakaren rose and said to Jack, "I am Ayla Santorum, royal knight and escort for Fiona Schneider von Hohenzollern!" Hikari coughs violently, shouting, "WHAT?!"

"I hath been escorting crown princess Fiona to her homeland, and because of all the dangers therein I must make sure that she hath arrived home," explained Bakaren--I mean Ayla, who bows. "Escortin' a princess, eh? Name's Jack the Kid, and GOLLY do yer geddup makes ye quite the looker! Now, I oughta have y'all brought home, for this ain't the time ta discuss, for sure there oughta be bandits around here."

"Bandits or not, we can handle it!" Ayla said proudly. "By GOLLY, do ye have the pride, but yer weapons ain't doin' squat 'round here! Now come 'ere, y'all lookers, for we 'bouta head towards our home! We be teachin' ya how ta fight like us gunslin'ers!" And so Jack led the way to their home while Hikari, carried in the arms of Bakaren, screamed out "WHY CAN'T YOU IDIOTS LISTEN TO ME?!"

On the way, however, they be stopped by a buncha bandits who oughta steal all their stuffs and shits. "GIVE US YOUR MONEY," screamed Uni, playing as the bandit leader, "OR WE TAKE YE CAPTIVES!" Ayla puts Hikari--I mean Fiona down and pulls out her sword, shouting back, "Not if you first defeat us!" And so the royal knight and the gunslinger fought the bandits. Jack fought with two mighty revolvers, while Ayla deflected and parried each or many bullets with her saber, making full use of her mobility and flexibility and taking advantage of her enemies' weaknesses. "Bakaren, Bakaruru," muttered a seething Hikari.

"Golly do ya fight like something outta some stories," Jack said to Ayla, amazed at her fighting skills. "I've gotten this ever since my training as a royal knight, and rather than fighting with brute force I used technique and mobility, and this is what happen to those who stood before us!" Ayla replied, slashing a few bandits and even stabbing another. "Y'ALL DARE KILL MAH BOYS, Y'ALL LOOKERS?!" The bandit leader screeched before being cut down by Ayla. "It's just two, I'm NOT involved!" shouted an annoyed Hikari, to whom Uni (playing as the bandit leader) shouted, "THIS IS A PLAY TO GET YOU UP AND RUNNING SO DEAL WITH IT!"

Gunfire and screaming is heard in the distance as Misora (playing as Stormy Ace) and Tsukasa (playing as Queen of Deception) appear. "Howdy, Jack! We just finished gunnin' some bandits down here, and GOLLY do them two be the lookers!" The Queen of Deception said as she and Stormy Ace approached the three. "Howdy, Queeny, Stormy! I just found this two lookers here while I was fixin' to return to our home," explained Jack, "and they sure oughta look like they came from some other place in this world, too!"

"Then we oughta go to our home, then!" Stormy Ace said, and the three laugh before leading the two back to their home, which is located in some Wild West town. While escorting the two there, Ayla and Fiona would find themselves being looked upon by the locals, who never see such uniforms before. "Are they from Europe?" "Why are they wearin' that?" "Aren't those uniforms outdated?" "Did they make 'em themselves? Because I wanna buy 'em!" The crowd murmur as the five enter a bar, where Lalafin (playing as the Detective of Justice Joker) waits at one of the available tables. "If it ain't Jack the Kid, Stormy Ace, Queen and Deception and--" He (or she) pauses upon the sight of Fiona and Ayla entering.

"GOLLY! Ah never seen 'em bein' quite tah lookers 'round here!" She makes a huge hop to them and said, "Pardon if Ah ask, but where'd these two lookers be comin' from?" Hikari growned, and Lalafin shouted, "GET USED TO IT!" Jack, smiling, said to Joker, "Ah found 'em when Ah was fixin' to return here just ta meet up with mah friends. Tah girl in red is Ayla Santorum and tah girl in blue be tah crown princess Fiona Schneider von Hohenzollern!" Hikari growls loudly, "Why are you using the name of von Hohenzollern?!" Tsukasa replied, "We chose that because yes. And to you, it just does." Hikari be baffled by the shitshow around here!

The six gather at a table and Jack said, "Now then, miss Ayla, what brought ya an' yer lady princess lover 'round these parts 'ere?" Ayla smile, and replied, "It is a long story..."

Chapter Text

"So that's how y'all been brought here!" exclaimed Joker as he/she, Stormy, Queeny, Jack, and Calamity (played by Lalafin, Misora, Tsukasa, Aruru and Shizuha) drank beer, which is actually apple juice disguised as beer. "That is correct, ev'ryone," came Ayla's response, "my duty, my quest, is to bring crown princess Fiona back to her kingdom before those monsters dare take her, and do things unspeakable to her."

"Then don't ya worry, lookers, fer we fixin' to help y'all lookers out in their quest! Don't y'all agree?" Jack announced to the two and turns to her friends, who raise their fists positively. "Let's go get our things and prep for the journey!" And so, the five went out to buy stuffs necessary for the journey. "Bakaren, Bakaruru, Tsubakasa, Shizubaka, Bakafin, Bakasora," muttered a still seething Hikari, who is not pleased with everything.

By nightfall, the two were brought to the five's home, which is basically some house rented by Ellelle. "Why are we letting them use my Ellelle-Place?" asked Ellelle to Amemiya aloud. "So they can read books, of course," came Amemiya's loud response. Ellelle can only shrug.

Once the seven friends entered the house, Hikari fell asleep, her head leaning on Karen, who smiled. Fangirls squealing just to get topped by Banana, Akira, Michiru, TENDOU MAYA, and Kuro. "We'll be resting here for the night, then we'll begin the great journey," Joker told the two before they lay themselves on six individual beds. The last one is reserved for Bakaren and Hikari.

The seven had already prepped themselves when some gangsters, led by Rukogremlin (playing as Don Salvadore), came up. Shouted Rukogremlin/Don Salvadore to them, "GIVE US THOSE TWO AND THERE WILL BE NO HARM!" They got tied up by Hikari's rope lewdagger. Everyone be shocked! as Hikari looked at them and said, "Let me get my sleep already!"

"No," whispered Souda-sensei from the spectator seats, taking the raven-haired girl by surprise as the rope lewdagger gets loose for some reason and lets the gangsters go. "Then you'll have to get through us first!" Calamity King shouted before the five and Karen/Ayla dueled with the gangsters under Don Salvadore. "LET IT RIP!" shouted Don Salvadore, leading to JunJun, Yuyuko, Lalafin (while still playing as Joker) and Liu Mei Fan to sing Auriga the Charioteer/Gyoshite Gyosha-za.

Hikari covered her ears while the six and the gangsters fought. "BY GOLLY! You should do well fightin' 'em!" said Joker to Ayla, both of whom cut down a bunch of gangsters. "Less talking, more fighting!" exclaimed Jack, gunning down about eleven gangsters with her trusty revolvers. "Here we go!" Then Jack proceeded to unload her revolvers' bullets at the gangsters, "Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pam!"

Rukogremlin looked at Hikari, annoyed that she isn't doing much, but shrugged and joins the fight anyways. There were six of them, but Don Salvadore had more gangsters. And just as they're about to get overrun, the entire town's out for blood. Led by Nikola Tesla, played by HOUOUIN KYOUMA, the entire town, armed with revolvers, muskets, rifles and tesla-based weapons, proceeded to smash the angery gangsters. "How many are you all?!" Don Salvadore shouted just as she got electrocuted in the leg by someone using a tesla musket.

"Where did we get these stuffs from?" asked Akira, who just chilling while drinking water. "Those props we made?" asked Amemiya, ""We bought a lot of things to make those props. None of them are functioning, so they are acting as if they got electrocuted." Akira shrugs, and slouched in her seat.

The gangsters were finally defeated, heaped upon heaped of mannequins. "I, MAD SCIENTIST NIKOLA TESLA, WILL CONTINUE WITH MY PROJECTS!" Hououin Kyouma, playing as an exaggerated mad scientist version of the good Nikola Tesla, shouted before returning back to some workshop.

With the battle over, the seven (Hikari was bridal-carried again) regrouped. "Now what?" asked Jack. "MORE BEER!" Queeny shouted. And all but one (Hikari) cheered.