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Chapter Text

The best Guoshi that ever existed has decided that he deserves a vacation.

What? Who’s this best Guoshi? Hmph, what arrogance to ask. Who could it be but Mei Nianqing?

Need any proof? Well, then! How many Guoshi could say that they’d taught two (TWO!!!!) individuals who ASCENDED TO THE HEAVENS? Well, maybe one of them got a little bit—it wasn’t his fault though, it was just—

WELL, NEVER MIND THAT! How many Guoshi could even say that they’d taught one student who’d cultivated immortality? Go on, take your time, think up a few. Guoshi can wait.

What’s that? You’ve got a name, there’s another one? Who is it?

THAT’S RIGHT! THE OTHER ONE IS NONE OTHER THAN GUOSHI’S VERY OWN STUDENT, HIS HIGHNESS THE CROWN PRINCE! Truly the gift that keeps on giving, and Guoshi was the one who gifted it. You’re welcome, you’re welcome.

Yes, yes, his endearing little pupil had apparently had some kind of moral stumble; but who hasn’t flown into a murderous rage following the destruction of their kingdom every once in a while? That sort of pesky thing couldn’t be blamed on the teacher, it was just bad luck. Never mind that it had happened to Guoshi twice—

BUT TECHNICALLY ONLY ONCE (BECAUSE XIE LIAN HADN’T GONE THROUGH WITH IT!)

Sort of…

But ah, this type of thing could be forgiven. After all, Xie Lian was a rare gem, truly polished to a shine by Guoshi; he possessed the three qualities most important in any student:

STRONG CULTIVATION

CALLIGRAPHY

AND CELIBACY!

Yes, celibacy. What, intimacy is an uncomfortable topic? It’s WEIRD, to triumph this kind of thing about a student? Well, Guoshi doesn’t see what’s uncomfortable about the topic, especially if the point is its absence, obviously. Indeed, Guoshi had seen to it that Xie Lian had only learned the essentials.

It’s not like Guoshi had been irresponsible about it, though. He'd given Xie Lian what he considered an excellent sex ed, mind you! In fact, he’d taught it himself.

“Um...Guoshi?” a young Xie Lian had stuttered, visibly uncomfortable. “Can I ask you a weird question? I’m too embarrassed to tell mom...”

Suspicious, Guoshi turned around and narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“...um, the other day while I was sleeping, I, I thought I had an accident in bed, but instead, there was something else coming out? Um, and my thing was kind of...hard?” He’d looked up, confused. “Is it normal for it to do that?”

“No,” Guoshi had replied curtly. “It only does that if it’s about to fall off.”

Guoshi frowned, remembering the screams and sobs of terror that had followed shortly after. Well, maybe he’d been abrupt, but the sense of fear was important! It had to be taught early, before anything else!

Though, it’s true, he’d had to correct the mistake later. After all, he’d had to teach Xie Lian how to be properly abstinent for his cultivation, and that necessitated a bit more specific instruction.

But, who could have guessed??? Just as expected from his star student: if there was something Xie Lian was even BETTER at than calligraphy, it was CELIBACY!!!!!

“Guoshi!” Xie Lian had burst out joyfully one day, his cheeks flushed, as he came into the learning pavilion one day. “It worked!”

Guoshi was hard at work playing cards with the three other Guoshi, who seemed absolutely fixated on the game. Without looking, he responded: “Hm? What did?”

“Today, lots of courtesans came into the palace for a banquet,” Xie Lian said breathlessly, “And they were really pretty, but I didn’t feel anything at all! I never thought Guoshi’s techniques would work so quickly.”

Guoshi still didn’t move his gaze from the cards. “Oh? Oh yes, that’s excellent. Keep up the good work, Your Highness.”

“Thank you, Guoshi,” Xie Lian said earnestly. “Thanks to your help, I’ll never be tempted by any feminine form, and I’ll be able to serve the women of this kingdom without lustful, self-serving thoughts.”

“Mhm. Yes, yes, good boy.”

“But when do I learn about men?”

Guoshi shuffled through some cards. “Hm? Men, what about them?”

“When do I learn not to be tempted by men?”

With a shrug, Guoshi carefully picked out a card. “Oh, that’s not necessary.”

Xie Lian folded his hands into his sleeves with a cough. “…it isn’t? But, Guoshi, aren’t there some men who…”

Guoshi laughed offhandedly, waving a hand over his shoulder without looking. “Yes, there’s cut-sleeves, but you don’t have to worry about that, since you’re not one.”

“…um…so, how would I know? If I was a cut-sleeve?”

“You’d have to feel like you want men,” Guoshi said, looking over a few cards. “But you don’t have to worry about that, Your Highness. Since you’re not a cut-sleeve, naturally you won’t feel it.”

Xie Lian’s young face pinched in confusion for a few seconds, before he brightened. “Oh! That makes sense, hahaha, that’s a relief. I’m glad to hear it. Thanks, Guoshi!”

OBEDIENT AS ALWAYS! NOW, LET GUOSHI RETURN TO HIS CARDS, YOUR HIGHNESS!

Okay, wait, wait, but: backing up, it’s time to return to Guoshi’s favorite subject: calligraphy. What CALLIGRAPHY Xie Lian had, what a hand! His Highness the Crown Prince was a natural, truly a natural. When his brush moved across the paper, Guoshi swelled with pride—never mind that he hadn’t been the one to teach him; but he’d hired the instructors, so that counted for something!

In fact, Guoshi had secretly squirreled away a few slips of talismans that His Highness handed out at Puqi Shrine. Even on such small things, the calligraphy was IMMACULATE! Though once, he’d run into a truly horrible one (Xie Lian must have written it half-asleep), a talisman so awfully written it would probably turn a believer into some kind of—

Anyway, anyway. The point is, he kept a few in his little brocade wallet; and whenever a traveler at a little inn, or a gambling den, or another gambling den, or some other gambling den, happened to ask—“Daozhang, you must have a student?”—Guoshi would proudly pull out his display (he’d arranged it so it would fold on itself in a zig-zag, it gave the best effect when it fell open) and show it off. Yes, this was HIS student’s writing! BEHOLD!

Not that he’d tell His Highness that he did this sort of thing, of course. HUMILITY IS A VIRTUE!

However, Guoshi had to be honest; every time he looked down at the little slips of paper in his qianbao, he got a little emotional.

WHAT? A GUOSHI CAN’T MISS HIS STUDENT?

After everything had ended, Xie Lian came to visit every once in a while, but, hm…such a hard-working teacher, shouldn’t he have a proper vacation?

When he’d first brought up the prospect of staying at Paradise Manor for a little bit, Xie Lian had seemed almost hesitant as he spoke: of course Guoshi could come, he’d he received very well, Xie Lian would be thrilled to have him there. It’s only that, well, he might have to keep to his quarters a bit, as dear San-Lang had a thing about privacy…

PRIVACY? CRIMSON RAIN SOUGHT FLOWER? Yeah, right. Even among those in the heavens, Guoshi had never seen someone so ostentatious.

Still, still, it was important to be a good guest. “Don’t worry,” he’d said. “I won’t disturb that terrifying—”

“Guoshi!”

“Whatever he is, I won’t disturb him! I’ve got business in ghost city too, you know, I’ll be out most of the time.” He coughed behind his hand. “Somewhere.”

“The gambling den?” Xie Lian said gently. “You should be careful. If you bet too much, even San Lang can’t—”

“Don’t worry, you think this old man hasn’t played with high stakes before?” Guoshi sniffed disdainfully. “Of course I wouldn’t go crazy. Then I’d be breaking my promise, I’d probably end up disturbing your beloved beacon of misfortune. Heh, what would a creature like that need privacy for? Truly laughable! It’s not like you’re being intimate with him!”

Xie Lian choked on his tea.

“Now, don’t choke! I know it’s a vulgar, horrible thought, apologies for bringing it up.”

“…um,” Xie Lian said slowly. “Guoshi, actually—”

“No need to worry yourself with crude things, Your Highness, this one will speak no more of it. But you really should be careful with a man like that, you never know what disgusting things he’s thinking! Especially when he was transferring spiritual energy like that!” Guoshi shuddered. “Taking advantage of someone like you, who’s never even known the bud of a lustful thought…”

Xie Lian seemed to be struggling for words (probably shocked by the vulgarity of the discussion, the poor thing!) So, Guoshi moved onto perhaps his greater fear:

“And you’d best watch out,” Guoshi demanded. “He might even tempt you to teach him calligraphy!” He shuddered. “What a ghost king’s calligraphy must look like, I couldn’t even guess…just the thought of such a vile hand mixing with His Highness’ beautiful script, it makes me sick just thinking about it. Of course, since I’ve taught you well, you know better than to do that.”

Xie Lian sat there looking baffled and helpless for a few moments, saying nothing.

GUOSHI TAKES THAT AS A YES!

And so, this is how Guoshi came to grace Paradise Manor with his presence.

Strangely enough, for all Xie Lian’s stammerings about privacy, Hua Cheng seemed simply delighted (as much as he could be, being the sly, evil fox-spirit that he was) that Guoshi was coming to visit. He’d certainly put on a show at the gaudy dinner table, engaging Guoshi in the most stunning discourses on literature, reciting poetry, having dishes served that only the most cultured palettes could truly appreciate. So much for privacy! If Guoshi didn’t know any better, he would’ve thought Hua Chengzhu was trying to…impress him?

Well, he didn’t have much time to dwell on it. After all, ghost city awaited. No need to get into the details! What happens in ghost city stays in ghost city!

It wasn’t until two or three days in that The Guoshi of Xianle, Mei Nianqing, began to get suspicious.

Yes, he knows that Xie Lian and Crimson Rain share some kind of innocent, loving relationship, like the kind of love two rabbits—wait, wrong animal—two dear little puppies share. Cloying, but ultimately harmless. So it made sense that they’d seem overly close.

But he’d noticed something else.

They retired VERY, VERY EARLY AFTER FINISHING DINNER!

Yes, yes, it was impossible to miss. After dessert was served, that good-for-nothing ghost king would let his gaze linger on his PRIZED STUDENT (DON’T TOUCH!). His eyes would settle on him lazily, piercingly. If the ghost king was a lion, he’d be flicking his tail.

In response, Xie Lian seemed to eat faster, turning red.

The atmosphere would get—odd? Once, Hua Cheng had actually gotten up and walked over to Xie Lian, carefully wiping away at his face with a silky cloth napkin.

Xie Lian had flushed. “Hahaha, that’s not necessary, San—"

“Hmph! It really isn’t necessary,” Guoshi had cut in. “Really, he can clean himself off! You’re spoiling my student.”

Hua Cheng had smiled widely in return, squeezing Xie Lian's shoulders possessively.

“I think he deserves to be spoiled,” he said smoothly, luxuriously. “Guoshi must forgive me. I feel especially inclined to spoil him tonight.”

Xie Lian almost coughed up a lung.

Guoshi’s eyes narrowed. 

If he didn’t know any better, this almost seemed…

Seemed like…

…………..THE UNCONDITIONAL DEVOTION OF A PUPIL TO HIS TEACHER!!!!

But what would Xie Lian be teaching Hua Cheng? Unless…no, it couldn’t be………..

CALLIGRAPHY????????

Guoshi didn’t want to believe it, he simply couldn’t believe it! A student of his would never do this, would never allow his pure, beautiful writing to be tainted, to be associated with, to be—

Oh, but one shouldn’t let one’s mind race ahead so quickly.

Only evidence could clear his mind.

So that night, after they’d retired, Guoshi sat by himself in his room for a little while, coolly sipping his tea.

Then, he got up, activated a simple tracking talisman, and followed it.

When the talisman finally shuddered in the air and dissolved, Guoshi stopped in front of the door it had found. He narrowed his eyes. Yes, this definitely meant the Ghost King was in his private quarters…and what’s more…

HE HEARD VOICES IN THERE!

So all of a sudden, with a brisk knock (he wasn’t rude), he shouted—

“I’M ENTERING!”

And with that, he very quickly smoothed down his robes, adjusted his topknot, dusted off his shoulders, put his hand on the doorknob, straightened his back, assumed an authoritative air, cleared his throat, straightened his robes again, and— 

Guoshi burst in—just in time to see Hua Cheng kick something under the bed.

“Oh, no you DON’T, young man!” Guoshi demanded, striding up. “I know you’re up to something—“

“Oh. Hello, Guoshi.” Hua Cheng smiled fakely, the nerve of him! “How can I assist you? Are your accommodations to your liking?”

“You won’t distract me with niceties, young man! Tell me—”

“I wouldn’t dream to do such a thing,” Hua Cheng said. “Guoshi is so intelligent, it’s difficult to imagine anyone distracting him.”

“Heh!” Guoshi swelled with pride. “Well, at least there’s some filial piety here, maybe you’re not a lost cause…now where was I, hm…OH! NICE TRY, BUT IT WON’T WORK TWICE! What did you kick under the bed?”

Hua Cheng bowed his head. “If Guoshi really must know, this one felt ashamed that the room is in disarray, and wished to present it more cleanly upon hearing Guoshi approach. This one truly values the respect of His Highness’ teacher.”

Just the words that a sly fox would use, in order to hide……..

…………A CALLIGRAPHY BRUSH!!!!!

“Hmph! You’ve got a fast tongue, but you won’t pull the wool over this old man’s eyes!” Guoshi proclaimed, striding forward and squatting to reach for the hidden object. “You can’t fool me, I KNOW you’ve been…you’ve been…”

Guoshi pulled out a pair of sandals?!

As he stared at them, Hua Cheng cleared his throat behind him. “As you see, Sir. I left them strewn about, how careless of me.”

“…” Guoshi looked over at Hua Cheng; but he was wearing a set of sandals already, with black straps, so why the second pair? And, also…

“Are these your size?” Guoshi muttered, holding one up. “Aren’t they small?”

The ghost king took a moment to respond. “No, no, very comfortable.”

“I don’t believe you, these can’t fit well! You have large feet. Heh, you know what they say about men with large feet.”

Hua Cheng blinked, and then opened his mouth—

Guoshi humphed. “They’re worse at martial arts. Young man, it really isn’t good to wear something so ill-fitting.” He kept talking as he walked towards the armoire in the room, aiming to return them to their place. “Your posture isn’t bad, but if you keep—”

“Sir, don’t trouble yourself, I can put the—”

“—this kind of strain on them—”

“—Sir—”

“—then you’ll surely—”

Guoshi stopped short, his eyes bulging—because he’d opened the closet door to a MOST peculiar sight!

Xie Lian, was curled up on the floor of the armoire, eyes squeezed  tightly shut, clutching a red fabric to his body. It was a robe, half-draped over him (the other half still clung to its hanger), and—goodness, was he naked underneath?!

In the instant that the door swung open, Xie Lian’s eyes snapped open. “Guoshi! Um...uh...ah, so much light, so bright, I can barely see…where am I? Um, San Lang’s closet? Hahaha, I must have fallen asleep here a long time ago...”

Guoshi stared.

“...”

“...”

Then—

“In a closet?!” Guoshi exclaimed.

“En! I was, um, getting some clothes,” Xie Lian fumbled out. “And they seemed comfortable, and it was nice and warm in here, so I sat down...I must’ve fallen asleep, how careless.”

“How interesting,” Hua Cheng said, deadpan, sounding like a bored actor reciting the lines of a play. “I’m very surprised right now. I didn’t see you there, or know you were there either.”

Guoshi thinks this is HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS!!! He narrowed his eyes. “Why would you be seeking out the ghost king’s clothes?!”

Xie Lian paled. “Um...I...”

Hua Cheng interrupted: “Naturally, His Highness is much too humble and ashamed to own fine clothes. So, when he wants to use something nice, I lend him mine.”

Xie Lian nodded quickly. “Yes, that’s correct!”

AS EXPECTED OF HIS STAR STUDENT! Guoshi done a great job teaching the value of humility, he was the BEST Guoshi that ever existed!!!!

But still, after a moment, Guoshi frowned. “Hm, okay, but...then, why haven’t I ever seen him wear red?”

“I—I don’t wear the robes often,” Xie Lian stammered. “Only in the manor sometimes, to please San Lang.”

Hua Cheng nodded. “They fit him well.”

“How could they?!” Guoshi exclaimed. “Isn’t Crimson Rain much taller?”

“Hahaha, um, you’re right!” Xie Lian burst out. “They actually don’t fit at all, never mind!”

“Yes,” said Hua Cheng, in that same lifeless tone. “They don’t fit, that’s why he doesn’t wear them often.”

“But didn’t you JUST say that they—“

“I’m too tired, ah, I’m going to continue my nap!” Xie Lian blabbered, reached out, and closed the door on himself.

With that, Hua Cheng seemed impatient to get him out of the room, imploring that His Highness’ nap shouldn’t be disturbed, so Guoshi had no choice but to be politely steered away; but before he did, he turned and spotted something on the enormous and ornate desk in the room, and his eyes narrowed. Indeed, next to a random white robe that was carelessly flung over the table, there was………..

…………AN INK GRINDING STONE!!!!!!!

Guoshi was going to get to the BOTTOM OF THIS!!!!!

Chapter Text

The evidence grew EVEN MORE SUSPICIOUS!!!!!!!

If it had been just that one incident, mind you, Guoshi might have given his student the benefit of the doubt. After all, this was His Highness the Crown Prince! Guoshi had to trust him a little—and really, if he’d slipped just once, and maybe just showed that menace of a ghost king how to properly hold a brush, who could fault him? That’s HIS business.

But Guoshi was beginning to suspect……

FREQUENT CALLIGRAPHY INSTRUCTION!!!!

It came to a head one day, as he was walking down to the private quarters, to come see—okay, fine, spy on—his precious student. It was then that he noticed that most horrific sight, which set him properly on his mission:

Hearing a sound from a room, Guoshi peered through the keyhole, and saw…

Xie Lian was sitting at a desk. On this desk, materials for calligraphy were placed; and a wide scroll or two were open, draped over the table, hanging almost down to the floor like a skirt—so Guoshi couldn’t see if his student was sitting with his legs in proper form. But that was fine, Guoshi wasn’t too concerned.

Then what was wrong, you ask?

WELL, PATIENCE! THIS GUOSHI HASN’T FINISHED!

Because his student—was PANTING!

His Highness was hunched over the table, not even HOLDING his brush, just sweating and red-faced and gasping out—

“San Lang, San Lang,” he whimpered, trembling and bracing his hands against the table. “That’s so…ah! I…I can’t…”

Guoshi almost lost his head! WHAT KIND OF SCENE WAS THIS?????

And so he thought and thought, his brow furrowing as he ran through all the possibilities; and it was like this that he realized the obvious, undeniable truth:

For some reason, Xie Lian was suddenly having INTENSE trouble with his calligraphy…AND THE GHOST KING HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT!

Why else would he be calling San Lang, San Lang? Why else could he seem so stressed, to the point where he couldn’t even pick up his brush? But one question still remained: what could have possibly led to this kind of situation? Hmmm…

Yes…it was all coming together, now…GUOSHI COULD PICTURE IT!

A scene rose up to the stage of his mind, making him grow still with horror:

“Teach me calligraphy,” Hua Cheng growled, leaning over a cowering Xie Lian.

Xie Lian shielded his work on the table with his trembling, delicate, innocent, virginal hands. “No, I won’t!”

“I said, teach me calligraphy. Now.”

“Oh! No, San Lang, please don’t make me teach you that, anything but that!”

Hua Cheng laughed menacingly. “You will teach me. Because if you don’t, then I’ll…”

Pausing the scene, Guoshi frowned. What could Hua Cheng threaten? No, no, this wasn’t the style of a sly fox. It would probably be quite different…everybody, clear the stage, take two!

“Gege, gege,” Hua Cheng pried, sidling up to Xie Lian. “Teach me calligraphy.”

A blush rose to Xie Lian’s plump, delicate, innocent, virginal cheeks. “No…I, I shouldn’t…”

“Why not?” Hua Cheng murmured in his ear, slowly sliding his hand over the calligraphy brush in his hand. “What’s wrong with a little…teaching?”

“My calligraphy is so…pure and careful,” Xie Lian said meekly, looking away. “If a style like yours, so rough and wild, were to mix with it, then…I don’t know what would happen to it, I’m scared…”

“Why scared? Don’t worry, gege,” Hua Cheng coaxed. “This devoted believer wants to learn how to write His Highness’ name…can’t you just teach me that? Don’t you love me?”

“I want to, San Lang,” Xie Lian mewled, batting his eyelashes. “But I’m scared that I’m so innocent, and I don’t know much about the ways of bad people…if you’re leading me astray, how would I know? Especially without asking my Guoshi?”

“Trust me, I’m not. Go on, gege, how do I write…” He leaned closer, speaking right near his ear. “Xie?”

“Well, if it’s just one character…” Xie Lian nervously leaned over, carefully painting it out. “You see, it has three parts, watch how I do it. Now, you try.”

Hua Cheng took the brush and began to write, but Xie Lian frowned. “That’s—that’s the wrong stroke order—”

“But I don’t want to use the right stroke order,” Hua Cheng growled huskily. “I like this one. I like breaking the rules.”

“This one…? But…”

“You try it too, gege.” Hua Cheng pushed the brush into Xie Lian’s soft and trembling hand, then guided it to the paper. “Right here, just like that…that’s right…good…doesn’t it feel nice, to write it like this instead?”

Xie Lian blushed, shame and pleasure conflicting on his poor, delicate expression. “It does feel good, a little…but—”

“Mmn. And while we’re at it, why don’t I…take out the shen radical?”

Xie Lian gasped, his sparkling doe-eyes widening. “No! San Lang, we can’t, that’s too—!”

“Shh, shh…don’t worry about it. Look, there it is. Isn’t that nicer?”

Whimpering, Xie Lian tried to hide his blushing face with one hand. “But then, isn’t it just…Tao Lian? Tao as in…discussion?”

“No,” Hua Cheng said, licking his lips. “Tao as in…marriage.”

Gasping, Xie Lian squirmed. “San Lang, what are you talking about? I’m scared…”

“We’ve already broken some rules just now,” Hua Cheng said lecherously, prying at the edge of his robe. “So, why don’t we also…”

The dream bubble burst, and Guoshi gave a chuckle. Yeah RIGHT! That was just TOO ludicrous.

BUT IF HE DIDN’T STOP THIS CALLIGRAPHY THING IN ITS TRACKS, WHO COULD SAY WHAT WAS NEXT?????

Guoshi was NOT going to wait around to find out! He burst into the room. “DON’T WORRY, YOUR HIGHNESS, I’LL HELP YOU!”

Xie Lian shot upright, his eyes wide. “Wh—what?! What’s happening? Guoshi—?!”

“COME NOW, DON’T BE AFRAID!” Guoshi shouted, as he strode forward. “It’s OKAY, Your Highness, whatever’s happened—this Guoshi will NOT abandon you!”

“W—wait wait wait, Guoshi! Guoshi, don’t come so—please stay over there—um—there’s ink on the floor here, absolutely don’t come over—!”

“HERE!” Guoshi reached him and grabbed the brush from the desk, swiping it through some ink and pushing it into his hand. “Write your name.”

“My—my—?”

“GO ON, DON’T WORRY! I’m right here with you!”

Looking startled, his poor, sullied lamb leaned over the page, steadied his hand, and wrote.

Oh, oh! What perfect writing, what elegant characters! Every stroke a piece of art in itself, every dash making one sigh out in awe!

With a huff of relief, Guoshi turned to him in praise. “GOOD! And don’t you ever forget the shen radical!”

“…” Xie Lian looked startled and confused, poor thing. “…you mean, in the one in my name?” He furrowed his brow. “Of course, why would I…otherwise, wouldn’t it be Tao Lian—?”

“Tao as in DISCUSSION!” Guoshi declared forcefully. “You hear me? And NOTHING else!”

Still, he was a little relieved that nothing else was going on here. But alas—Guoshi thought that TOO SOON! Because suddenly, nearby, almost by his feet, something caught his eye. He looked down, and…

Red.

“Hello, Sir,” said Hua Cheng, from under the table. He was lying calmly on his back, his hands clasped over his chest; and as Guoshi stared, he tilted his head back to give Guoshi a wide, upside-down smile. “How can I help you?”

“…”

“…”

“…”

Guoshi took a step back, pointing wildly. “You—you—?!”

“Waitwaitwait!” Xie Lian gasped. “I can explain—“

“YOU!” Guoshi demanded. “What were you doing under the table, young man?”

The good-for-nothing ghost king smiled. “Ah, well, if Guoshi really wants to know…”

“NONONONO!” Xie Lian cried out. “GUOSHI, IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!”

“QUIET!” Guoshi interrupted. “I won’t listen to either of your excuses, I’m not a foolish old man! I know EXACTLY what’s going on here. You, you, shameless young man—”

Xie Lian tensed—

Hua Cheng smiled wider—

“—were SPYING on His Highness’ calligraphy techniques!”

“…”

“…”

“…oh,” said Hua Cheng. “No, that wasn’t it. Actually, I was—”

“Actually,” Xie Lian interrupted, recovering from his shock, “I was the one who asked San Lang to be under the table! Because, um—”

He coughed, folded his hands into his sleeves, and said quite seriously:

“I’ve always wanted a cat. So, San Lang indulges me and pretends to be one.”

“En, that’s right,” Hua Cheng said with ease. “Miao.”

Guoshi couldn’t even pretend to take this excuse seriously. “Hmph! Do you think I was born yesterday? Miao? This is not convincing!”

“Oh,” said Hua Cheng, thought for a moment, and—

Proceeded to perfectly imitate the sound of a cat:

“Miao.”

At that, Guoshi actually took a step back! WHAT WAS WITH THIS KIND OF CREEPY DISPLAY? THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS, YOUR HIGHNESS!

Terrifying! Improper! Yet, what else could he say, without giving away the fact that he knew what was really going on? If he did, they’d just hide it better. All he could do this time was berate the ghost king, scold his student, and leave.

But Guoshi was not convinced, not convinced at all!

🖌️

Abandoning his escapades in ghost city—what escapades, you ask? Hmph! Wouldn’t you like to know!—Guoshi took to prowling the manor instead.

It wasn’t easy, no, no, but for the sake of his poor student—surely too ashamed to admit his fall from grace on his own, the poor lamb!—Guoshi was prepared to bring his full skills to bear. Here, such skills were mostly employed to keep that pesky ghost king’s servant at bay. When he’d least expect it, slinking down the hall, he’d hear a voice behind him—

“Sir?” Yin Yu would stammer out, looming at the end of the hall like a bad omen. “…where are you going?”

“Who? ME? This honored guest is simply taking a walk.”

“A walk…where, Sir?”

PERSISTENT! But no matter, Guoshi still has a trick up his sleeve, just you watch how a master does it:

“Young man,” he proclaimed, “I remember when you ascended. It was a cloudy day—I knew there was something different about it, that it wouldn’t be such a simple affair, you know. Basic divination, though I suppose you wouldn’t learn it in your sect, so you wouldn’t know. That’s why they still keep an elder like me around, heh. Anyway, when the—”

“Um…Sir, I just asked where you were—”

“DON’T INTERRUPT! When I looked up into the sky—” Guoshi began to walk. “I saw three clouds there. The first, you must know—”

Yin Yu, like a malicious shadow, followed him. “…Guoshi, Sir, you really should come with me, this way is—”

“—was in the shape of a dog. Now, a dog isn’t always a bad omen—”

Yin Yu seemed to get a little bit more nervous, and all of a sudden raised his voice most peculiarly on particular words as he followed him:

“Um…excuse me, um…GUOSHI,” Yin Yu said, projecting his voice on the last word, “You really shouldn’t come this way, GUOSHI, there isn’t much here for a GUOSHI such as yourself. Er, you’re getting VERY CLOSE to mealtime, and, um, you should take a walk somewhere NEARER to the dining area, as, as we’ve ALMOST REACHED that time, and—”

Just as he finished that sentence, a door opened just to the side, and Hua Cheng stepped out with a smile.

“Oh,” said the no-good ghost king. “Guoshi, Sir, I didn’t know you’d be coming this way. Welcome, welcome.”

“Hmph!” Guoshi stopped in his step. “Hello, young man. Staying out of trouble?”

The fake smile widened. “No.”

TALKING BACK LIKE THIS TO AN ELDER!!!!! WHAT WOULDN’T THIS ONE DO???

Guoshi’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, yes, well, as long as His Highness isn’t involved. Speaking of which, would you happen to know where His Highness…?”

“Ah, but of course,” the menace replied. “He’s right here. Gege, look, your teacher’s come for a visit.”

He reached to the side and pulled Xie Lian into the doorway by his shoulder, and, well, Xie Lian looked…

Like he was in an absolutely terrible mood. His hair was all messed up (that ghost king was a BAD INFLUENCE with his mane, Guoshi knew he was trouble from the start!), his face was red, and his hands were clutching hard at the fabric of his robes.

“…hello, Guoshi,” Xie Lian choked out, forcing a smile—Guoshi was shocked, he’d NEVER seen his student look this close to simply snapping like an old calligraphy brush—“…do you need something?”

“Well, nothing in particular, but—”

“All right,” Xie Lian said, starting to step back. “Well, then San Lang and I will continue with our conversation—”

“Oh, hmmm? A conversation?” Guoshi folded his hands behind his back, narrowing his eyes. “…about?”

“Anatomy,” said Hua Cheng, with a smile. “We were perusing some interesting anatomical studies, pressure points, spiritual energy…this type of matter, very interesting.”

“Very interesting indeed,” Guoshi said, suspiciously.

Hua Cheng tilted his head. “Actually, if my Lord would care to, I have some fascinating texts in the library to show you. Why don’t we go and—”

“San Lang, San Lang?” Xie Lian said quietly, tugging at his sleeve. He seemed almost desperate.

As though he was waiting for it, Hua Cheng smiled and tilted his head over to look at him. “…yes, Your Highness?”

Xie Lian shifted from foot to foot. “Could we first, um…finish our talk?”

“Oh?” said Hua Cheng slowly, relishing. “Was His Highness really enjoying the subject?”

Meekly, Xie Lian let go of his sleeve and nodded, his face bright red. “…en.”

WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE? There was too much happening, too many hidden signals, intrigues…all Guoshi was certain of was that it was NOT anything good! He had to pry this ghost king away from his poor student as fast as possible.

“Hmph! You can finish your talk later. I’d like to talk to Crimson Rain about something myself, actually—”

“About WHAT?!” Xie Lian barked.

Guoshi stared.

Yin Yu stared.

Hua Cheng squinted into a smile.

Seeming to regain himself, Xie Lian held a closed fist to his mouth. “…I, I mean…”

“Ah, forgive me,” Hua Cheng said, gracious to a fault. “I forgot to mention to Guoshi that His Highness and I haven’t had time for a private talk for some time. He’s been looking forward to it, and we were right at the most interesting part of the subject, about to arrive at a breakthrough. Perhaps we could speak over dinner instead?”

Suspicious.

EXTREMELY suspicious!

A frustrated, angry Xie Lian, furious at having been interrupted in the midst...of a CALLIGRAPHY LESSON with a terrible student? About to arrive at a BREAKTHROUGH with the ghost king's pitiable handwriting? Or was it something else? Guoshi knew that something was going on, but he didn’t know precisely what; and so, when he returned to his room that night, he paced and then lit up with an idea:

If he couldn’t figure this one out alone—who else to ask but the other people who were familiar with this arrangement?

His Highness’ LOYAL COMPANIONS!

Chapter Text

Luckily for Guoshi, he didn’t have to travel far; as a matter of fact, His Highness’ awful little friends were visiting the manor that very WEEK!

Apparently, they’d started taking turns teaching that troublesome child, Guxu or Ganshi or Guzi or something, who they’d picked up along the way, and today they were giving a joint lesson (BECAUSE APPARENTLY EVERYONE WAS GOING AROUND THESE DAYS, THINKING THEY COULD BE A GOOD TEACHER, WEREN’T THEY?) to the wretched little creature.

Hmph—actually, the creature didn’t like quite so wretched anymore, Guoshi was surprised to find. A year or two of good meals, the beginnings of a growth spurt, and some halfway-proper training had given him a bit more of a healthy shape, though the two martial gods behind him still towered over him as they waited in the hall.

“This is paradise manor?” the child said breathlessly, looking around. “Wow! It’s so…”

“Hideous,” Mu Qing muttered under his breath.

All of a sudden, a voice sounded from a small lantern clipped to the child’s belt, where a green ghost fire shone lazily. “HIDEOUS?” the voice sneered. “HEH! THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE—”

SNAP! Feng Xin quickly flicked down a flap on the lantern, muffling the voice within, and turned to the child sharply. “Didn’t we tell you to keep this shut?!”

The child looked down meekly. “Sorry,” he said. “I just…dad doesn’t like it when I—”

“It doesn’t matter what your—he’s not even your—! Listen, just keep that thing shut, okay?!”

FAILING AT TEACHING ALREADY! Guoshi couldn’t watch from afar any longer, and he walked up with his hands behind his back. “Hello, hello, everyone. Mu Qing, Feng Xin, Gudi. How are things.”

“Guoshi?!” Feng Xin said in shock. “What are you doing here?”

“This Guoshi is an honored guest, visiting his dear—”

“He came to gamble in Ghost City,” Mu Qing said flatly.

“YOU—why, I NEVER—now you listen here, young man—”

Qi Rong’s ghost fire in the lantern started ramming itself against the glass, and the child looked down regretfully. “Sorry, dad…I can’t open the flap unless you promise not to yell and curse, Shishu said so…”

“Oh, you have a SHISHU now, do you?” Guoshi interrupted, taking the chance to change the subject. Then, his eyes narrowed. “…if Fen Xin is Shishu, then who’s Shifu?”

“Lang Qianqiu, obviously,” said Feng Xin, then eyed Guoshi strangely. “…who did you think?”

“Mm…” Guoshi said, folding his arms into his sleeves. “…actually, on that subject, I had a certain concern.”

Mu Qing and Feng Xin glanced at each other for a moment, before Mu Qing spoke haltingly: “…what kind of concern?”

“Well, hmm, how to put this…when I taught you, Mu Qing, I mentioned several qualities that a good student, especially one of our cultivation method, should possess. Did I not?”

Mu Qing began to look subtly nervous. “Yeah, so?”

Feng Xin kicked at the ground, looking away.

“Surely you…remember these qualities?” Guoshi went on.

“…yes,” Mu Qing said, bristling all over. “What about them?”

“As my student, can you name them?”

“Umm,” Feng Xin stammered. “Guoshi, Sir, it’s been a while, and—”

“It’s fine!” Mu Qing said stiffly. “I remember them, you repeated them all the time, I’m not stupid. Strong cultivation and martial arts, calligraphy skills, and…”

His voice cracked.

“Celibacy.”

Feng Xin fiddled with his shoulder pad, clearing his throat. Mu Qing shot him a nasty look and elbowed him.

“Hey!” Feng Xin said. “Why’d you elbow me?”

Mu Qing gritted his teeth and hissed. “Shut up!”

“What’s going on?” the child wondered. Then, when Qi Rong’s ghost fire in the lantern started striking the roof of its cage, he unclipped the lantern from his belt, opened the flap, and held the lantern up to his ear. After he’d listened to the cackling whispers from within for a few seconds, his eyes widened. “Ohhh…”

But whatever was going on here, Guoshi didn’t have TIME for such antics! “Now, the reason I bring this up,” he said, “Is that I’ve noticed something VERY strange going on with His Highness and Crimson Rain—something VERY, VERY strange indeed!”

Both Feng Xin and Mu Qing froze this time, watching him with something between relief and curiosity.

“What is it, Guoshi?” Mu Qing said finally, with a snicker in his voice.

“These two—they seem RATHER TOO close, almost like they’re conspiring about something!” He gave a disdainful sniff. “And they’re constantly hiding themselves away, doing something in secret…the other day I happened upon His Highness hiding in Crimson Rain’s closet, and yet another day, Crimson Rain lurking under His Highness’ table…and I think…no, I’m almost certain…”

Mu Qing and Feng Xin stared at Guoshi, as he came to his point with a flourish:

“THAT HIS HIGHNESS IS SECRETLY TEACHING CRIMSON RAIN CALLIGRAPHY!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Are you an IDIOT?!” Qi Rong’s voice shrieked from the lantern. “They’re FUCKING!”

“—they’re fucking ANNOYING!” Feng Xin corrected frantically, slamming the lantern flap shut.

Guoshi stared at them wide-eyed, then pointed at them wildly. “You…you…!”

Mu Qing let out a tch, Feng Xin tensed—

“YOU TWO DARE USE THIS KIND OF LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF AN ELDER?!”

Feng Xin stared at him in disbelief. “Are you serious? That’s what you’re—?”

“Yes,” Mu Qing said deftly, coming up to touch Guoshi’s shoulder. “They’re very rude, let’s leave them alone. Now, come on, Guoshi, let’s get you to bed.”

“BED? It’s barely the afternoon, this honored guest’s afternoon nap isn’t until—”

“Guoshi must be tired after a long day.”

“Hmmm, hmm…it has been a burdensome morning, what with all this noise…perhaps I should—”

But all of a sudden, a voice interrupted from down the hall.

“Feng Xin, Mu Qing!” Xie Lian called as he walked, followed from behind like a shadow by—OH, GUOSHI’S BLOOD BOILS AT THE SIGHT OF THAT AWFUL GHOST! Smiling, hold his hands behind his back, oh-so-servile, oh-so-courteous—

But Guoshi knows. Oh, Guoshi KNOWS!!!

“Sorry to keep you all waiting,” Xie Lian said, as he walked cheerfully down. “I was only—“ He stopped short and faltered. “…oh, Guoshi! You’re…saying hello to everyone?”

“Indeed,” Guoshi said, suspiciously.

Xie Lian still smiled, clasping his hands in front of him. “Good, good. I’m glad that…” He suddenly seemed to look at something over Guoshi’s shoulder, blinking in surprise. “That you’re…” His brow furrowed, and his eyes seemed to move as they followed something. “…you’re…saying…”

Guoshi WHIRLED—but only Mu Qing was behind him. He turned back around.

“It’s very interesting that you’ve chosen to teach this…” Guoshi waved his hand at the child, who was still fiddling with his lantern. “Goku, and such. Have you taken an interest in teaching lately, your Highness?”

Xie Lian looked fondly over at the child, who glanced down shyly in turn. “Guzi showed great promise, Guoshi. He remained with a steady heart throughout all the trials he went through. It would be a shame not…to…”

Xie Lian seemed to be looking over Guoshi’s shoulder again, frowning.

“To…um, you…you were praying, Guoshi? No, you…you sleep…you should sleep…you want to sleep? No, no, you should sleep—”

This time, Guoshi whirled FASTER—JUST IN TIME TO SEE MU QING PUT DOWN HIS HANDS!

SECRET MESSAGES RIGHT OVER THIS WISE MASTER’S HEAD?

Suddenly, Guoshi’s pupils shrank.

No…no, it couldn’t be…what if—

What if they were all in on it?!

Before he could launch skillfully into this investigation, though, the culprit himself stepped forward with a cordial smile.

“Hello, Guoshi,” Hua Cheng said. “Pardon me, I haven’t had time to greet you today. How is everything? Did you enjoy the fruits I had the servants leave you last night?”

Feng Xin looked shocked. Mu Qing muttered under his breath: “Suck-up.”

“And greetings to you both,” Hua Cheng said towards them, with the same fake smile. “You’re welcome to stay as well, anytime. One bed, right?”

Feng Xin broke into a coughing fit, while Mu Qing clenched his fists; but just as Guoshi was furrowing his brow, trying to parse out just WHAT the ghost king meant by that, Hua Cheng interrupted again:

“As it happens, Guoshi, I was hoping you’d join up with His Highness and I for a round of teaching. There’s something I was hoping to learn from you.”

OH, WAS THERE NOW, CRIMSON RAIN? Guoshi watched him warily. “And that would be, young man?”

Hua Cheng switched languages, slipping into Wuyong: “I don’t have many chances to practice this tongue, and was hoping you would indulge me.”

Actually, though, his pronunciation was quite bad; so instead, what he said was, roughly:

“I don’t have many prances to practice this dung, and was sloping you would divulge me.”

But Guoshi understood what he was trying to say, so he only rolled his eyes and responded in Wuyong:

“You, young man…sigh, you have the worst Wuyong accent I’ve ever heard.”

“I soap Guoshi might accuse my mistakes,” Hua Cheng replied with a smile and a bow, in that same terrible accent, “This one wound be honored if Guoshi were to peach him more about the language.”

Guoshi’s eyes narrowed. “Eager to learn, hm?”

“Anything to breader serve His Highness the Crown Prints.”

Looking down at his nails, Guoshi cleared his throat. “Just like the other day, right? When you were…attending his calligraphy practice from beneath the table?”

“Oh,” Hua Cheng said. “No, that time I was only stucking his clock.”

“You were WHAT?”

Xie Lian looked between them with unease, not understanding a single word of the language, but clearly noticing that the tone of the conversation was going sour. “Uh…um…whatever it is, it’s okay!” he blurted. “Hahaha, it’s okay! Also, whatever he’s telling you, Guoshi, he’s probably joking, he doesn’t really mean it—”

“Stucking his clock?!” Guoshi muttered, putting a hand to his chin. “Shucking his crop…stopping his flock…?”

“Can we get going?” Mu Qing said coldly. “It’s getting late, we don’t have time for this.”

Xie Lian seemed to sigh with relief at the opportunity, and waved them all on. “Yes! Come, come, everyone—”

“Wait,” said Feng Xin. “How’s your spiritual energy?”

“Hm?” Xie Lian stopped. “Oh…it’s a little low, actually.”

Guoshi narrowed his eyes. “…low, Your Highness? But I thought you didn’t have shackles anymore, why would it be low?”

Xie Lian went white. “Um—um, I just—”

Hua Cheng turned to Mu Qing and raised his brows. “Haven’t you had a similar problem? Why don’t you explain to Guoshi?”

“You—!” Mu Qing hissed—

“HAHAHA, IT’S FINE, IT’S FINE!” Xie Lian cried out. “Um, Guoshi, it actually turns out that—that after so long of not using my own spiritual powers, it became a bit harder to use them! So I need to recultivate a bit, it’s no big deal. I should be back to my full capacity in a few years.”

“Gege, do you need me to replenish your stores for the trip?” Hua Cheng said slyly, coiling a strand of Xie Lian’s hair around his finger.

Feng Xin and Mu Qing looked horribly uncomfortable, all of a sudden. “That’ll—take too long,” Feng Xin gritted out. “Best if you just deal with it, Your Highness.”

“No, no,” Hua Cheng said casually. “It would only take five minutes.”

Mu Qing snickered. “Yeah, I bet.”

Hua Cheng turned to him, pasting that sickly smile back on his face. “…actually, Guoshi, I’ve also noticed something very—”

“FINE!” Mu Qing burst out frantically. “GO! GO, NOW, RIGHT NOW!”

“My pleasure,” said Hua Cheng—and he picked up a blushing Xie Lian, sweeping him off his feet and slinging him over his shoulder. Then, he patted him like a new sack of rice as he walked away. “Let’s go, gege.”

Xie Lian waved at them over Hua Cheng’s retreating back, looking extremely embarrassed. “Hahaha, okay everyone, um, I’ll be back soon, once we…once I…” He coughed. “Um, I mean, bye!”

Mu Qing looked like he was going to be sick. Feng Xin reached out towards Xie Lian, seeming like he was about to cry.

Then, they were gone.

Guoshi stood still in confusion. “…” He put his chin in his hand. “…” Something wasn’t right here. What was it?

“I don’t understand,” Guzi piped, confused. “Where’s he going?”

Guoshi hmphed in agreement. “Didn’t His Highness and the ghost king transfer spiritual energy through…their…” He cleared his throat. “…mouths?”

“Actually,” Feng Xin said hoarsely, still looking like he’d just seen a rabbit get picked up by a hawk, “These days, they have, um, another method. It lasts longer.”

“Really? What method could that be?”

“…it’s just, kissing for a while. Guoshi, why don’t we—”

“For a WHILE?”

This went on for a little, but no one would give Guoshi a straight answer, until about ten minutes later when Xie Lian returned.

This time, he was being carried in Hua Cheng’s arms. Hua Cheng had a spring in his step and a satisfied smile; Xie Lian looked a little dishieveled, and he was covering his face.

“Here he is,” Hua Cheng said, setting him down gently. “Gege, can you stand?”

“…hahaha…haha…” Xie Lian stumbled a little, looking dazed. “Of course. Now let’s…it’s time to, let’s go, everyone!” He stumbled a little, letting Hua Cheng steady him. “Let’s…where were we, um…” When he was let go again, he almost smacked into a wall. Of course, Hua Cheng quickly snagged him back so that he righted himself. “Let’s…let’s go!”

Wearing twin looks of gloomy resignation, Feng Xin and Mu Qing helped His Highness out, as Hua Cheng waved goodbye. “See you later, gege. Reach out in the array. Let me know when you get there. If they’re bothersome, call me and I’ll kill them.” And so on, and so on, and so forth…

Guoshi couldn’t put his finger on it, but something wasn’t right.

SOMETHING WASN’T RIGHT HERE!!!!!

🖌 ️

Guoshi had two days to ponder, while Xie Lian was away. Since Hua Cheng took the chance to go away on business too, Guoshi had a chance to snoop—and snoop he did. He scoped out the rooms in paradise manor, one by one, until he found the most suspicious one: a room set up rather like a classroom, the sort of place some fine sect’s students might learn cultivation.

After Xie Lian and Hua Cheng returned, Guoshi would go visit it every night, lurking around the corner until he was satisfied there was no activity in it.

Except one day…he heard VOICES!!!!

Jackpot! Who said Guoshi wasn’t a good gambler? His luck was astronomical, and it was only getting better.

Barely daring to breathe, Guoshi crept around and pressed his ear to the wall. Then—

“Say it,” Xie Lian said, in a cold tone Guoshi had NEVER heard him use. “Say it again.”

“Forgive me, Your Highness,” Hua Cheng breathed.

“Not good enough. Forgive you for what.”

Guoshi’s eyes widened. No, it couldn’t be! These two, they were—they were FIGHTING? About WHAT? He had to keep listening!

“This lowly one didn’t follow His Highness’ instructions properly,” Hua Cheng said, still sounding strangely out of breath. “This one will take any punishment deserved.”

“You think you even deserve to be punished.”

“No. This one doesn’t deserve it, but this one begs…”

“Begging for punishment?” Xie Lian said, with a cold smirk in his tone. “Then, let’s hear it.”

“Please.”

“Not good enough.”

“Please, Your Highness, please, anything you want—”

SNAP!

Guoshi almost gasped, at the sound of—it could only be a whip!—as it CRACKED across something quite solidly, making Guoshi FLINCH!

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DISCIPLINE A STUDENT LIKE THIS, YOUR HIGHNESS?! THIS GUOSHI CERTAINLY WASN’T EVER THIS STRICT!!! WAS HE???

A chill went up AND down Guoshi’s spine, and he shuddered! But just as quickly, he froze in confusion, because Xie Lian’s tone changed abruptly:

“Oh—San Lang!” The cold timbre was gone, and Xie Lian sounded nervous. “Sorry, was that too hard?”

Hua Cheng chuckled. “No, no, gege. It stung beautifully, it was well-done.”

“Are you sure? It looked so painful!”

There was a teasing smile in the ghost king’s voice. “…is this what a strict teacher might say…?”

“Hahaha, ah, right, right. Um, then…”

Xie Lian cleared his throat and went on:

“There. So, how does it feel to—um…wait, wait, I’ve broken character…sorry, I feel a little silly. Have I done all right so far?”

“En, en,” Hua Cheng said with enthusiasm. “Excellent acting, very convincing.”

“Really?”

“I believed it in my heart, every second.”

“Ahaha, good! Then, in that case…” Xie Lian cleared his throat, resuming the callous demeanor. “There. So how does it feel, to get what you deserve?”

Guoshi listened to all of this with a furrowed brow and a hammering heart, as the realization slowly dawned on him: it could only be…ANYONE with a brain could understand that what was going on here was…was…

CRIMSON RAIN WAS INSTRUCTING XIE LIAN ON HOW TO TEACH HIM SOMETHING!!!! And what else could he be teaching but…CALLIGRAPHY??????

The callous tone, the punishments—it ALL MADE SENSE! The ghost king knew that pure, gentle Xie Lian was too kind, too merciful to properly pass on his knowledge, so he was SHOWING him how to be strict, shaping His Highness into the perfect teacher for him. WHAT ARROGANCE! AS EXPECTED FROM ONE OF THE FOUR CALAMITIES!

But as much as Guoshi wanted to rush in at that VERY moment and put an end to it, he knew that he had to truly catch them red-handed; so he grew still and listened, not letting a single word escape his attention.

“I asked you a question,” Xie Lian was saying sharply. There was a sound of him pacing. “How does it feel. Answer.”

“It hurts,” the ghost king replied.

“You asked for punishment, you’re receiving it. Shouldn’t you be satisfied?”

“Ah, it’s so painful…I won’t be so careless again, I’ll do my work carefully, I promise.”

SNAP! The whip came AGAIN!!!!!

“—I promise,” Hua Cheng said, in a low and aching voice. “I really promise—“

“Not good enough.”

“Your Highness,” the ghost king said. “Wait, please don’t strike me again. Isn’t there…”

“Speak up. I can’t hear you.”

“Isn’t there something else this one can do, to compensate for his deficiencies?”

“…”

“…”

There was an odd silence. Then, through Xie Lian’s frigid tone came a twinge of embarrassment.

“Um…um, yes. You’d better—study harder next time. Or else.”

“Yes, but isn’t there something else that this one can do?”

“…”

“…”

“…with his body, gege?” Hua Cheng coaxed, his pleading tone replaced by amusement. “With his body?”

Xie Lian burst out in embarrassment—“Sorry, sorry! I knew that’s what we’d planned—I just lost my nerve in the last moment, I felt like I was taking advantage of poor San Lang—”

“Nothing of the sort,” Hua Cheng said, with mischief. “The advantage here belongs entirely to San Lang. Mmn, but if this is too difficult for gege, perhaps we could change it a bit. Instead of you being the one who—”

“No, I like it this way! Let me try again, I’ll really do it properly this time!”

“Then, of course. Take your time.”

And so, Xie Lian cleared his throat:

“As it happens, there is something you could do to make up for it.” Pause for effect. “With your body.”

But at that moment, Guoshi SIMPLY COULDN’T HOLD BACK ANYMORE! Hua Cheng had crossed the line—by implying that MANUAL LABOR with one’s body was an appropriate punishment for being a bad student! Such a thing, leaving a student sore and unhappy, would only make calligraphy harder—and maybe the ghost king knew this, and was in fact trying to make Xie Lian’s teaching WORSE!!!!

Guoshi burst in through the door. “YOUR HIGHNESS, THIS ISN’T HOW—what in the heavens—?!”

Xie Lian was staring at him, startled, his whip in hand. He was wearing a black robe, his hair was in a high ponytail with an obsidian accessory, and his eyes were rimmed with black liner (WHEN DID HE PICK UP SUCH A HABIT?), and a whip in hand—the very picture of intimidation, really quite scary, making Guoshi gasp out in disquiet!!! And not only that…

On the floor at the front of the room, the ghost king, Crimson Rain Sought Flower, Hua Chengzhu, was kneeling with NO SHIRT ON, all bound with his hands behind his back—by none other than Xie Lian’s own spiritual device!!!!!!

The three stared at each other for a few moments.

Then, Hua Cheng opened his mouth—

Xie Lian interrupted at once. “Guoshi, what—what are you doing here?! This, this isn’t, it’s not—!”

“I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I HEARD!” Guoshi demanded, slapping his hand down on a desk. “And in fact, I’ve known all along—”

“WAIT!” Xie Lian cried out. “Guoshi, whatever you think, it’s not it! This is actually martial arts—martial arts!”

GUOSHI CAN’T BELIEVE THE DEGREE OF DENIAL OR TOMFOOLERY AT PLAY HERE!

“Oh? IS IT now?!” he demanded.

“Yes! In fact—”

“His Highness is training me to be resilient in both body and mind,” Hua Cheng said smoothly. “He’s very good at it.”

Resilient in body and mind? In body and mind and CALLIGRAPHY?

This was it. They wouldn’t admit to anything now—so there was only one way to end these deceptions.

He had to catch them red handed, right in the act! But how?!

Guoshi thought and thought, late into the night.

Then, tossing and turning, he tried to sleep.

Tried to sleep, tried to sleep…mmn, is this Guoshi having a dream?

A young Xie Lian ran ahead of him, a calligraphy brush in hand, giggling and running. “Look, look, Guoshi! Today I learned from the calligraphy masters, I learned how to write my name!”

Guoshi chased him anxiously. “Your Highness, you’re getting ink on your robes! It’s all over the floor, Your Highness…Your Highness!”

He ran through the halls of the pavilion, ran and ran. It was getting dark outside; on the ground there were only splotches of ink, leading into a room.

“Your Highness?”

His shoe smeared one of the ink splotches as he ran over it.

“Your Highness!”

He threw open a door and burst in, finding a figure facing away from him. 

“Your HIGHNESS!” Guoshi raged, slamming his foot down. “What happened to you? When did you become like this, right under my nose?! How dare you! Leave him alone—just, you leave him alone, I’m begging you! You’ll make me watch this happen twice?!”

Bai Wuxiang looked back, with a cold look that was all bitterness and wounded fury.

“Happen twice?” he said quietly. “Of course not. As long as you don’t give up on your poor, beloved Xianle, right?”

Guoshi’s throat was dry as Bai Wuxiang turned to him fully.

“Not like you gave up on me.”

And then—

Guoshi woke with a GASP!

He sat still for a few moments, pressing a hand over his wildly beating heart.

No, no, wipe away that sorry face, don’t regard Guoshi with any pity! A good Guoshi must know where his mistakes lie, and if that means having a nightmare like this, then so be it! Taking responsibility is a VIRTUE!

What, what’s with that look? Guoshi can’t cry a little? Guoshi can’t huddle in the dark and hold himself until he stops trembling?

GUOSHI CAN’T HAVE A MOMENT?????

DON’T BE RUDE!!!!!

Young people are so awful these days, no respect at all, no sense of emotion! All brawn and brains and no heart, that’s what Guoshi thinks, and you’d better listen to your elders.

This is Guoshi’s little tea-set of regrets, and Guoshi WILL cry over it AS MUCH AS HE WANTS! And when he’s through with that, it’s time to get back to more important matters—namely, the main matter at hand: that awful ghost king putting his filthy influence on Xie Lian’s blessed calligraphy-writing hands. Guoshi knows that this is the time to act, that he can’t let this go on any longer; just the thought of it makes his heart race, for some reason especially now—he has to stop this at ONCE!

Chapter Text

Guoshi’s MASTER PLAN began in a gambler’s den backroom—seedy, poorly lit, the only fitting place for a shady deal like this one.

For a time, Guoshi waited on the other side of the desk—his eyes narrowed, one leg crossed over the other. In his lap, he was stroking a small cat spirit, who purred contentedly.

But before long, the beaded curtain to the room parted, and a guest entered.

“Ah,” Guoshi said delicately, scratching behind the cat’s ears. “So you’ve COME.”

“…” The visitor, a portly merchant ghost, stood there awkwardly. “…yeah. I mean, you asked me to come, so…”

“Silence,” Guoshi said, holding up a hand.

The ghost went silent.

Guoshi stood slightly, taking care not to spill the cat from his lap, reached underneath to pick up the chair, and clumsily scooched it around so that it faced the visitor. Then, he sat down again and resumed petting the cat.

“So?” he said. “Have you thought about my deal?”

“…I mean, yeah,” the ghost said, scratching behind his head. “You said you wanna rent my stall for a day, right? Sure, that’s—”

“Shhhh!” Guoshi hissed. “Not so loud.”

“…” The ghost furrowed his brow, lowering his voice to a whisper. “Um…okay. You just wanna rent my stall for a day, right?”

“That’s right,” Guoshi said. “But listen closely.”

“Okay.”

“You are to tell NOBODY of this.”

The ghost nodded. “Sure, that’s fine.”

“No, no, no, you don’t understand,” Guoshi insisted, leaning over the cat in his lap. “NOBODY!”

“Um…okay. I mean, I wasn’t really planning to, so...”

“For your compliance,” Guoshi said haughtily, “You’ll be paid handsomely.”

“Cool, thanks.” Suddenly, the ghost looked down. “Whoa, wait. Ol’ Mao?”

“Oh, hey,” the cat spirit in Guoshi’s lap said, in a human voice. “How are you?”

“What’re you doing here?”

“Well, I’m not entirely sure. This random guy just picked up off the street, I’m not sure what my role is in all this? All things considered, though, this situation has been pretty comfortable to bmmRRRRRRROWWWWWWW—”

Guoshi had thrown the thing from his lap, shuddering in terror and disgust.

THIS CITY—HE’S REALLY SICK TO DEATH OF IT!!!!!!

🖌️

And so, this is how Guoshi came to be waiting stiffly beside a particular stand in the ghost city market, disguised as an ordinary merchant. Tapping his fingers against his table. Watching.

Waiting.

As Guoshi was watching and waiting, however, an elderly ghost woman with a basket of turnips waddled by, then squinted at his cart. “Eh? What’re YOU sellin’?”

“You…shoo,” Guoshi sniffed, waving her away. “Nothing for you.”

“How d’you know I wouldn’t buy it, if ya don’t even tell me what it is?”

Guoshi gave the woman a once-over, looking her up and down, trying to figure out what was the least likely thing she’d want to buy. After a moment, thickening his face, he choked out:

“—sex toys. I’m selling—sex toys.”

The woman’s eyes brightened, and she reached for her coin pouch. “REALLY?”

Guoshi sputtered. “I—I mean—NOT FOR YOU! Shoo, shoo! Run along, now!”

“Aw, alright,” the woman said dejectedly, and scurried off.

Hrmm, Guoshi hadn’t considered this problem. He was a new face at a stand in the very center of ghost city; wouldn’t every curious ghost stop to ask, impeding his mission?

Just as he was thinking about the problem, it came true: an elderly ghost man stopped alongside him, glancing over his wares. “Hey, I ain’t seen ya here before! What’s for sale?”

After a moment’s thought, trying to figure out what any ghost would be least likely to want, Guoshi cleared his throat and said: “Children’s toys.”

“Children’s toys?”

“That’s right,” Guoshi said, raising his chin. “Do you have any children, sir?”

“Nah,” the man said, shaking his head. “Good luck.”

“Thank you,” Guoshi said, and the man moved on.

Guoshi preened; he really was TOO clever!!!!!

Luckily, he didn’t have to try his luck on the excuse again; before long, he spotted a white robe in the crowd. Xie Lian was making his way through the market with a basket over his arm, peering at various vegetables for sale and amicably chatting with the ghosts. They seemed to hold great reverence for him, waving him onward, inviting him to take a look at their wares.

Frowning, Guoshi considered the new problem: at this rate, he wouldn’t be able to get Xie Lian’s attention. Time to take the more direct approach! Stuffing a couple of calligraphy sets into a bag, which he slung over his shoulder, he shuffled over and tapped Xie Lian on the shoulder.

“GOOD SIR! Cough, cough…I’ve got something for you, a product you can’t refuse.”

Xie Lian turned away from some cabbages, blinking curiously at him. “Oh?”

It was best not to be too direct, Guoshi decided, lest Xie Lian become suspicious; so he’d take the salesman approach, trying to seem sly and convincing to the utmost. He cleared his throat.

“Ahem, ahem…does anyone you know…have problems with their GRIP?”

“Their…grip?” Xie Lian said, baffled.

“They just don’t know how to HOLD things right,” Guoshi said with a sniff. “If you know what I mean. Too tight all the time, or not tight enough, or slanted…”

Xie Lian seemed even more confused. “Not really.”

“Or someone’s too MESSY with their work, spilling everywhere without a care.”

“…um…”

“Too gentle and yielding with their hands, or too forceful—what a problem!”

“I’m sorry, I’m not really sure what you—”

“I’ll TELL you!” Guoshi brandished a finger in the air. “There’s an easy fix!”

Xie Lian nodded. “Okay, what is it?”

“Well, I’m selling—

But just as he said ‘CALLIGRAPHY SETS,’ an old donkey cart rolled by, squeaking loud enough to drown out his words.

“WHAT?” Xie Lian called over the din.

Guoshi shot a scathing look at the cart, waiting for it to pass by. Then, he cleared his throat and tried again:

“I said, I’m selling CA—”

A group of scantily clad ghost women ran by, laughing and screaming at the top of their lungs. Suppressing the urge to stretch out a leg and trip one of them, Guoshi tried again:

“As I said, before I was so RUDELY interrupted—”

“GET YER TURNIPS!” an old woman hawked, ambling down the nearby road with her baskets. “GETCHURTURNIPS! GETCHURTURNIPSRIGHTHEREREALCHEAPANDFRESH—”

Guoshi shot a dirty look at the old woman. “Do you MIND?”

“Eh?” she called back. “Aw, ain’t it the ol’ sex toy seller?”

“All right thank you goodbye,” Xie Lian blurted, and ran.

“WAIT!” Guoshi cried out, chasing after him—but his student was fast! “COME BACK! I’M SELLING—”

But Xie Lian didn’t hear, sprinting wild and red-faced down the road, until soon enough he bumped into an elderly ghost man. “I’m sorry!” Xie Lian stammered, steadying him and brushing him off. “There’s someone chasing me, excuse me, let me through—”

“Huh?” the man said, squinting over his shoulder at the rapidly approaching Guoshi. “That guy, why’s he chasin’ you? I thought he was sellin’ toys?”

“That’s precisely why I’m running—please excuse me!”

“But he said that they’re for children?”

At that, Xie Lian stopped in his tracks, looking startled. “What? He’s selling this kind of thing for children?”

“Yeah, that’s what he told me. But you don’t look so young—unless, ah, maybe you have little ones at home?”

Xie Lian didn’t say anything for a few moments. Then, he turned around, looking a little bit…angry?

Guoshi also stopped, suddenly feeling sweaty. “No! Wait! I—”

“This kind of deed is unacceptable to me,” Xie Lian said firmly. “Do you surrender peacefully, or must I chase you?”

“WAIT IT’S A MISUNDERSTANDING, I’M—EEK!”

In an instant, Xie Lian drew his sword—and ran after him!!!!!

“WAIT WAIT WAIT YOUR HIGHNESS—”

Guoshi dodged just in time as the sword came down, and now he had no choice but to RUN!

WHAT SPEED, WHAT GRACE!!!!! Guoshi is truly so proud of His Highness’ martial art skills—they—they really haven’t faltered even a bit, they’ve maybe even gotten a little better—better than those of Guoshi himself!

TEACHING THIS STUDENT—THIS VENERABLE GUOSHI REALLY DID RATHER TOO FUCKING GOOD A JOB!!!!!!

From rooftop to rooftop, Guoshi leapt, still carrying that bag of calligraphy supplies; he tried to call out to Xie Lian behind him, but it was no use. He wouldn’t stop until he chased him down, and if Guoshi’s identity was revealed—no no, this wouldn’t do at all!

Down on the street, people were stopping to watch the thrilling chase, squinting up at the figures streaking across the rooftops. Among them, two ghost friends chatted.

“Hey! Ain’t that ol’ grand-uncle?” said one. “How come he’s runnin’ after someone?”

“Didn’t’cha hear? Ol’ Lulu said that other guy’s sellin’ sex toys.”

The two watched the white-robed figure spin, flinging out a couple of knives, causing the other figure to let out a high-pitched scream and just barely dodge the blades. 

“Huh,” the first ghost said. “Chasin’ down a merchant like that, poor grand-uncle must be desperate; Lord Chengzhu must not be any good at it, if y’know what I—ow! The hell was that for?!”

The other ghost had punched his shoulder. “Shaddup, what do YOU know? Lord Chengzhu’s the best at EVERYTHING! Besides, that kinda thing is actually real fun to use, even in healthy relationships.”

The first ghost smirked. “Yeah? Is that the excuse yer girlfriend gave ya?”

“YOU DOGFUCKER—!”

A heavily muscled dog ghost behind them turned around, glaring daggers. “What’s that about fuckin’ dogs?”

In an instant, the three started brawling. The other ghosts’ attentions turned from the chase to the ghosts duking it out on the street.

“Hey, look, another fight!”

“YEAHHHH!”

“WOOHOO!”

Everyone on the street started brawling all at once, throwing fists around with abandon and tossing all sorts of fruits and vegetables. It was due to this that a particularly heavy melon, lobbed from a distance with great force, hurtled through the air and knocked Guoshi over as he ran.

“OOF!” He thudded to the rooftop, tumbling once or twice. It would be seconds before Xie Lian caught up.

Thinking quickly, Guoshi dug in his bag. “WAIT WAIT WAIT—”

Xie Lian touched down to the rooftop in a flutter of robes, sweeping his sword to the side, then barreled forward—

“WAIT!” Guoshi held up a boxed calligraphy set, holding it up to shield himself and cowering behind it. “CALLIGRAPHY SETS! I’M SELLING CALLIGRAPHY SETS!”

Surprised, Xie Lian skidded to a stop and lowered his sword. “What?”

“LOOK!” With fumbling hands Guoshi opened the clasp on one, showing off the brush and inkstone within. “It was a misunderstanding!”

“…” Xie Lian furrowed his brow. “Then why did they think—”

“Those other ghosts looked cheap and I just wanted them to go away, so I told them whatever! You can search through my inventory—there’s not a single thing like that in any of my boxes! Go on, Your H—I mean, grand-uncle, you can check!”

Xie Lian still looked a little surprised and unsure, clearly at a loss, so Guoshi pressed onward:

“They’re special calligraphy sets for students who’re VERY bad at it…”

At that, finally, Xie Lian’s eyes brightened. “Oh! Really? Do they work?”

“Y-yes, of course, guaranteed!”

“Then, I’ll take one. I’m sorry about all that, I’m glad it was just a misunderstanding.” With that, Xie Lian leaned down, took one of the sets, and patted a few golden coins into Guoshi’s still-quivering hand. “Here’s a little extra too, for your trouble. Sorry again, have a nice day!”

🖌️

When Guoshi returned to his quarters in paradise manor that evening, still huffing and puffing, having long since discarded his costume, he nearly collapsed into the nearest armchair.

Never in Guoshi’s LIFE!!!!! That was too close, that was far too close. He’d made it in the end, of course, because he was just that wise and experienced, but it certainly hadn’t been good for the nerves. Of course, maybe Guoshi had let the whole thing drag on too long intentionally, to test his student’s moral fiber and martial art skills—or for dramatic purposes, just to provide some entertainment to himself, or to ghost city—or something (Guoshi will come up with an excuse later)—

—but as far as dramatic purposes are concerned, it had to be stopped all the same. After all, a Guoshi being cut down by their student due to a misunderstanding, this type of ending was way too cliche—

(Sorry, Your Highness, but it REALLY must be said—)

—and besides, it would interfere with the mission at hand.

For, lest you forget: despite the mess, Guoshi’s plan was a SUCCESS!

Now, all that remained was to wait.

🖌️

It wasn’t until after dinner that night, when Guoshi was nearly falling asleep in his chair, that the talisman he’d taped to his wrist suddenly burnt hot.

His eyes narrowed, and he stood in a great sweep.

The brush he’d sold His Highness was being used. It was time.

🖌️

Guoshi had to be swift; he hurried down the hall—

“Sir?” Yin Yu stepped out from behind a column. “Is there something I can—”

But Guoshi was READY!

“Ah, it’s you!“ Guoshi paused in his step. “How fortuitous to see you here, young man; I was actually searching for you.”

“…” Yin Yu paused. “For me?”

“Someone’s come into the manor grounds! He’s looking for you,” said Guoshi. “I didn’t catch his name, but I saw him break past the barriers and call out for you; he seemed quite determined!”

Yin Yu stepped back. “Wh-what?”

“That’s right,” Guoshi nodded somberly. “Is it someone you know? Hrrm, hrrm…I think he had curly hair…?”

“I—I’ve got—I have to go!” Yin Yu blurted out in distress, turned on his heel, and ran.

GUOSHI SCORES A PERFECT HIT!

But he couldn’t dwell on his victory for too long; who knew if that sad little boy had already sent a warning to the ghost king in his array? This type of trick, it wouldn’t work twice; Guoshi had to be swift, lest all his efforts be wasted! So he broke into a sprint along the hall, noting the talisman on his wrist growing warmer and warmer, until—

HERE! When the talisman was practically singing on his wrist, Guoshi threw open the nearest door—

AND OH, WHAT A SIGHT TO SPLIT POOR GUOSHI’S HEART IN TWO!

His Highness Xie Lian, the Crown Prince of Xianle, His Highness who Pleased the Gods, was half-bent over a table, calligraphy brush in hand, his hair falling all over the paper as though he was falling asleep onto his work; but he wasn’t asleep, he was clearly trying to write. And—and—

He was doing all this—

Sitting on the ghost king’s LAP, the kind of posture that would make any calligraphy master fall over and die! And the ghost king, oh, that wretched thing, had a cruel smile on his face, and one hand reaching over to guide Xie Lian’s quivering hand, and the other hand clearly doing something vigorously under the table—surely grinding out an inkstone in a completely incorrect manner, oh, oh!

But alas, Guoshi didn’t have the mental fortitude to keep looking, because he’d SEEN ENOUGH!!!!! So he looked tragically away, slapping a hand over his eyes, and cried out in wounded dismay—

“I KNEW IT! HOW COULD YOU!”

“Guoshi!” Xie Lian cried out in reply. “Wait! I’m sorry, I’m sorry—it’s—I’m sorry for all the excuses, I didn’t know how to tell you, I’m sorry—!’

“NO, NO, NO! I’VE HEARD ENOUGH!” Still not looking, Guoshi brandished a finger at what he hoped was the correct direction. “Put all that away at once and meet me at the office in my quarters. BOTH of you. It’s time for us to have a talk.”

🖌️

Guoshi sat on one side of the desk, his face pale and drawn, barely able to look across the table.

On the other side, Xie Lian sat red-faced and silent, his head down. Next to him, Hua Cheng leaned back in his seat, looking bored.

After a few moments, Xie Lian tried to speak:

“Guoshi—”

“No, no!” Guoshi choked out, shaking his head. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“…”

“…”

Nobody said anything. Then, it was the disgrace of a ghost king’s turn to try:

“Sir, if this humble servant may say a few words,” Hua Cheng said, his tone smooth, his words careful and pleasant to the utmost. “His Highness is so filial towards you, so gracious and obedient. He only wants to explain himself properly; in your generosity, wouldn’t you spare a moment to hear what he has to—”

“How dare you talk about him in such a way, with your fake pleasantries!” Guoshi forced out, “Knowing what you’ve done to him.”

Hua Cheng raised his brows. “Oh.”

“Guoshi, that really isn’t fair,” Xie Lian interrupted, looking upset. “He—he didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t agree with.”

“All right, then!” Guoshi said, finally meeting his gaze with a blazing look. “Knowing what he made you participate in. Is that correct enough? Hm? Are we all happy, now that the proper language has been used?”

“Guoshi…”

“Go on, then! Explain! Say whatever you want, what can you possibly say? Let’s all hear it!”

For a few moments, Xie Lian hesitated, gathering his thoughts. Then, he raised his head and spoke bravely:

“…I’ve…thought about this for a long time,” he said quietly. “Guoshi, it might…hurt a little to hear this…but I’m not the same naive student that you taught back then. I’ve changed a lot, and what was right for me then isn’t necessarily right for me now. I admit that I should’ve told you out of respect, but—something like this, it’s a little awkward to talk about? Still, I apologize. I respect you greatly as my former teacher. However, I won’t apologize for doing with my body as I see fit; I’ve made my choice, and I chose San Lang.”

Guoshi listened to the entire pitiable speech, barely holding himself back; but at the last line, he finally had to speak.

“With your BODY? Your Highness, you think it’s your BODY I’m worried about?” He shook his head, a quiver of torment breaking through his voice. “It’s your mind!”

“My—my mind?”

“Don’t understand it yet? Well, then! Tell me: just who initiated all of this?”

“We just—”

“Who’s the one who asks for these little sessions of yours, who has all the new ideas? Who corrupts your skills to his own benefit? And inevitably, therefore, who’s the one who—” Guoshi quivered with anger. “Takes the role of the teacher in the end, leading your clumsy little endeavors?”

“Guoshi!” Xie Lian looked liked he couldn’t believe his ears. “That’s really our private business—”

“Private? PRIVATE? HA!” Guoshi brandished an accusing finger. “How could it be private, when you leave evidence of your actions everywhere you go?”

“What?” Xie Lian furrowed his brow. “We haven’t!”

“Oh HAVEN’T you?” Guoshi sniffed. “So you’ve really become this careless; you leave traces left and right!”

Xie Lian was quickly turning red. He glanced at Hua Cheng, who seemed to be pondering something, then back to Guoshi. “What kind of—”

“The other day, you practically painted up a whole WALL!”

Flustered, Xie Lian mumbled: “No, no, it can’t be—that’s not possible! We would’ve noticed—”

“Playing dumb? Hmph! Then what did I see, Your Highness?” He crossed his arms. “Such beautiful calligraphy you left on the wall, fit to be entrance verses!”

“No, we—we didn’t—”

“The only thing left to the imagination,” Guoshi choked out, “Is who—held the brush.”

“Guoshi!” Xie Lian choked out in dismay.

“Hm,” Hua Cheng mused. “If it was really painted as forcefully as Guoshi describes, then it must have been—”

“Stop stop stop stop stop,” Xie Lian burst out. “San Lang, please don’t talk anymore.”

“Oh.”

Flustered, Xie Lian faced Guoshi again and spoke. “If we’ve been careless in such a way, then I really do apologize for making you see something like that. However, this is our home, and it’s still my choice what I do; nothing that you’ve said contradicts that.”

“Well, certainly it’s your choice, it’s not like I can stop you!” Guoshi scoffed. “But that’s not my aim; I’m trying to make you understand why what you’re doing is bad for you.”

“It isn’t!”

“Is that so? Hmph!” Guoshi sniffed. “Then, I think an educational demonstration is in order.”

“Really?” Hua Cheng said, in mild surprise. “Right now?”

Guoshi couldn’t BELIEVE the nerve of him! Yes, right now, you lazy good-for-nothing student! Ignoring him, Guoshi pulled a calligraphy brush out of his sleeve. “Your Highness! Look at this.”

“Oh,” said Hua Cheng. “This kind of demonstration.”

Guoshi continued to ignore him. “Your Highness, do you see this brush?”

Xie Lian sighed. “…yes, Guoshi.”

“What do you think about its state?”

“It’s an ordinary brush…”

“All right.” Guoshi slapped a long piece of paper in front of Xie Lian, set out a pot of ink, and held out the brush. “Now, write something with it.”

“What—”

“I won’t ask TWICE!”

Reluctantly, Xie Lian took the brush and wrote his own name.

WHAT SKILL!!! THANK GOODNESS GUOSHI WASN’T TOO LATE!!!

“All right,” Guoshi said, satisfied. “Now, give the brush to…” He spoke the next word through his teeth, as though pained. “…him.”

Xie Lian turned and handed the brush to Hua Cheng, wincing. “…sorry about all this, San Lang,” he whispered.

Hua Cheng smiled fondly at him. “Don’t worry, gege. It’s—”

“QUIET! No sweet little whispered words, this is a serious matter!” Guoshi demanded, then lifted a finger to point at Hua Cheng. “You…ghost…write something.”

“Oh,” said Hua Cheng, and wrote.

GUOSHI ALMOST SPITS BLOOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT—

“Guoshi, are you okay?” Xie Lian said.

Guoshi had half-fallen over the table, his face pale, his limbs shaking. “I’m fine…make him stop…hand me back the brush…”

“San Lang, San Lang?” Xie Lian held out his hand. “Ah, hahaha…that’s enough…”

“Okay,” Hua Cheng said obediently, passing back the brush. “How did I do?”

Xie Lian smiled, patted his shoulder without saying anything, and returned the brush to Guoshi.

Recovering a little, though not daring to look at the horrific mess on the paper that DARED to sit right next to Xie Lian’s beautiful work, Guoshi cleared his throat. “Very well. Now, two different people have used the brush, correct?”

Dumbfounded, Xie Lian nodded.

“Then, now—it’ll be used by a THIRD!” Guoshi lifted his hand—and SMACK! He smacked the brush to the paper, smashing the bristles against the paper. He wasn’t writing anything, just hitting and rubbing it as hard as he could against the surface.

SMACK…SMACK…SMACK…

“…um…Guoshi?” Xie Lian ventured.

But Guoshi was determined. He attacked the paper with the brush, ruining the bristles beyond repair, panting with the effort.

“Huff…huff…” SMACK! SMACK! “Wheeze—huff…huff—” SMACK—

“…Guoshi, are you okay? Do you need—”

“NO, NO, NO! YOU JUST WATCH!”

SMACK…SMACK…SMACK…

After another solid minute of ruining the brush, Guoshi was satisfied. He then held out the brush, with the bristles sticking out every which way, and motioned for Xie Lian to take it.

“Come, come, come! You weren’t shy before, so don’t be shy now—try to write your name with this!”

But Xie Lian didn’t take it. “Are you implying that a person is like this brush?” he said, sounding weary. “Guoshi, I respect you very much, but this is really a bad way of thinking. A person isn’t like a brush, ruined after more than one use—”

Seeing that Xie Lian wouldn’t take the brush, Hua Cheng took it from Guoshi’s hands and and played idly with it.

Xie Lian continued. “—in fact, a person doesn’t become used up like a brush at all.”

“But CHANGED!” Guoshi demanded. “CHANGED by the other people who’ve used it!”

Xie Lian shook his head. “That really isn’t how it works!”

“But it IS!”

“Actually,” said Hua Cheng, gazing down at his latest work on the paper, the brush dripping as he held it, “When I use this brush, it doesn’t look any different from before.”

“—YOU! YOU, YOU—” Livid, Guoshi pointed one trembling finger at the awful ghost king, the rims of his eyes growing red. “QUIET! I’ll GET to you!”

“Oh,” said Hua Cheng, setting down the brush.

Guoshi sighed. “Your Highness, I wouldn’t expect you to understand—perhaps that was my failure, and for that I must apologize.” He folded his hands into his sleeves. “But you should know that a great master, really any person, has a certain purity to them, which transcends both the mental and the physical aspects. It’s the reason why elders don’t take on just any student; the boundaries between teacher and student often blur, and both become infected with the traits of the other.”

“…” Xie Lian looked confused. “I’m sorry, I think I’ve lost the metaphor…?”

“It’s NO METAPHOR! I’m saying it precisely as it is. You think you’ve got all the power over him, but in the end, because of activities like this, he’s the one with the power to influence you the most.”

“I’m fine with that,” Xie Lian said softly. “In fact, I treasure that.”

Guoshi couldn’t believe his EARS! “How could you say that! Knowing how he is? Have you SEEN the calligraphy that he makes?”

“What? Calligraphy can’t be used as a measure of a person’s worth—”

“DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!”

Xie Lian stared helplessly. “Aren’t you the one changing the subject?”

“You think you can confuse me until this all goes away, Your Highness? Very clever! But unfortunately, your distractions won’t—WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH THAT, PUT THAT DOWN!”

Guoshi had looked over to to the sight of Hua Cheng drawing something on the paper. Hearing himself addressed, Hua Cheng paused, the brush still dripping from his hand. “My apologies, sir. I was only testing this a little more.”

Guoshi’s eyes bulged. Somehow, with the horrifically ruined brush, Hua Cheng had drawn a beautifully detailed ink painting of the Crown Prince, in a swirl of robes and a dash of flower petals. Next to the mess of his calligraphy—how was this possible?!

“See?” Xie Lian interjected, gesturing towards the paper. “It’s the same brush, used many times over, but he’s made it work; in the same way, a person—”

“You…you…!” Guoshi’s attention was on the ghost king now, and he seethed at him. “I see my poor student is beyond reason, but it’s not his fault. The person that deserves the most blame in all this—isn’t it you?”

Hua Cheng tilted his head curiously. “Hm,” he said. “Would Guoshi specifically point out what changes he’s seen in His Highness’ behavior, and how they can be traced back to my interference?”

“His skills have gone down considerably!”

“Have they? This morning in the market, didn’t he demonstrate the opposite, at least when compared to yours?”

HOW DID HE—?!

Xie Lian furrowed his brow. “Wait a minute…”

Before Xie Lian could finish his sentence, Guoshi quickly rushed to interrupt: “I—I—that was a test for him!”

Xie Lian squinted at him. “Guoshi, it couldn’t be that you…?”

Guoshi raised his voice. “BESIDES! I’m not talking about martial arts, why would I be?”

At that, Hua Cheng tilted his head, seeming to think for a moment before speaking. “…You’re not talking about martial arts.”

“Yes, that’s what I said!”

“Ah.”

“Ah, what?”

Hua Cheng smiled. “I think I understand everything now. Actually, I’m sure we can reach a satisfactory compromise in this affair.”

Xie Lian gasped and turned to him, suddenly looking worried. “Wait, wait wait wait—let’s not be so hasty? We—”

“Shh,” Hua Cheng patted his hand gently. “Trust me, Your Highness. I know what I’m doing.” With that, he looked back to Guoshi. “We can do this: instead of so many private calligraphy lessons with His Highness, I can practice more on my own, so he only needs to supervise me once per week.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

Hua Cheng was silent because he’d stopped talking. Guoshi was silent because he was shocked by the offer, but it still wasn’t enough, and he struggled with his next words. Xie Lian was silent for some unknown reason—

But he certainly looked confused.

“…what?”

“En,” Hua Cheng said, patting his shoulder. “After all, if Guoshi is this upset about you teaching me calligraphy, then perhaps it’s reasonable to make a few changes.”

Xie Lian’s jaw had practically dropped, and his expression morphed, suddenly looking as if he didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. “This whole time, Guoshi, you’ve…you’ve been talking about…calligraphy?!”

“Wh—of COURSE!” Guoshi burst out, equally confused. “Did you think otherwise?”

“Nonono, um—I knew, of course I knew, that’s not what I meant!” Xie Lian babbled. “I just…don’t understand.”

“What?”

“…” Xie Lian raised his head, still looking baffled. “…why is my…calligraphy so important to you?”

Guoshi looked back at him.

“…”

He looked back, tightened his lips, and remembered.

.

.

.

.

.

🖌️

A cold wind blew over the ruined remains of the royal grounds, sweeping dust over the rubble.

The royal palace, the Xianle armories, the teaching pavilions—everything was crumbled and looted; but here and there, sticking up like a strange flower amid the devastation, there was the occasional human bone.

In the silence, a pair of shoes—moving slowly, with a plodding and worn-out gait—crunched along the pebbles and shards. After a few minutes, the shoes paused in front of a long piece of fabric on the ground.

The piece of fabric was an empty sleeve. A few white finger bones, nearly indistinguishable from broken pieces of pottery, laid scattered at the edge.

A hand picked up the sleeve, feeling along the seams, then let it fall.

Hmph. This one wasn’t him.

The shoes picked up their pace again, then paused at another place. Here, a few strands of brown hair were peeking out from under the stones.

Though it hesitated for a moment, the hand came down and scrabbled through a few rocks, pushing them aside, picking up half of a jawbone that laid cracked on the ground. The hand turned it slowly, rubbing along the indentations of it.

No, no, hrrm, this one wasn’t him, either.

Carefully, now, the steps weaved their way around a particularly large piece of stone, then entered half of a building that remained standing. The shoes stopped there, in front of a piece of paper on the ground. This paper wasn’t blank; it had something written on it.

It fluttered in the wind.

Guoshi looked down at it for a long while.

Then, he bent down to pick it up.

Body in Abyss; Heart in Paradise, the calligraphy read. It was beautiful, the delicate sprawl of it, and Guoshi recognized its author. How could he not? It had been one of the proudest works in the pavilion, displayed upon a wall; but even if it hadn’t been for that, he still would have recognized it. After all, the hand that had written this—Guoshi had watched it write its first characters, watched it turn from a pudgy child’s hand into a man’s hand, watched the strokes it wrote turn from crooked into steady and proud.

But now, as he looked down at it, Guoshi wept—fondly, wistfully—and with all the care in the world, he rolled up the scroll and tucked it away. Then, he shook his head.

“Oh, your Highness,” he grieved. “Oh, my A-Lian. Before he finds you—to change you, to bend you to his will, to harm you…”

He stroked the scroll gently.

“Your Guoshi wishes you the mercy of dying first.”

🖌️

.

.

.

Silence had fallen over the room.

“Guoshi?” Xie Lian said cautiously, then. “Are you…?”

Guoshi might be getting a LITTLE MISTY!

“What’s wrong?” Xie Lian coaxed. “Won’t you talk?”

Guoshi pressed his lips together.

“Are you…crying?”

Well, that was it. An old man can only take so much. Guoshi burst into VERY DIGNIFIED SOBS!

“This venerable Guoshi—is doing NO SUCH THING!” Guoshi said thickly, his shoulders shaking, tears rolling down his face. “It’s only—that ghost king’s calligraphy—it’s burning my eyes—”

“Oh, oh Guoshi—that’s not it, is it? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Xie Lian fumbled for a handkerchief, was promptly handed one by Hua Cheng, and then leaned forward. “Here.”

Guoshi took it and dabbed at his eyes. “It’s nothing, it’s really nothing!”

“Won’t you tell me?” Xie Lian said, gently but desperately. “What’s wrong?”

“I said, it’s NOTHING!”

“What kind of nothing?”

After sniffling a few times, Guoshi shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For leaving you,” Guoshi hiccuped.

There was dead silence. Xie Lian stared.

“I, I couldn’t find you, and then I stopped trying,” Guoshi blubbered. “I didn’t want to believe he’d found you. I wanted to believe that—that—”

He shook his head.

“Who knew, you were suffering all the while! And he made you do all those things—it’s my fault, how could it not be my fault? I’m the only one who knew what he was planning, couldn’t I have stopped him? Couldn’t I have done something, didn’t I owe that to you? I—”

Guoshi’s head collapsed into his hands.

“I let him go and change you! But I cared about him too—I was a fool, I should’ve known what it would all come to, but I couldn’t—I—I don’t want you to be changed by people. Your Highness, I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could take the you from back then, just as you were, innocent and untouched, and bring you here where it’s safe. I really…”

Guoshi couldn’t talk anymore, and he didn’t have anything more to say; and it seemed that Xie Lian, who’d been staring at him in shock the whole while, was suddenly beset by quivering lips and reddening eyes. He struggled for a second.

Then, the only person in the room who’d kept steady spoke.

“But he is safe,” Hua Cheng said quietly. “He’s safe here in front of you, right now.”

Guoshi shook his head. “But it all happened to him, and there’s no undoing that! He’s changed!”

“It doesn’t matter,” Hua Cheng said. “Rather than caring for somebody in a fixed state, hoping that they’ll stay the same forever, it’s much more important to care for someone as they change. The way that a person changes is part of that person, too.”

“Of course you’d say that!” Guoshi admonished bitterly. “I know everything now—when His Highness was ready to commit a massacre, which would have made him quite unhappy indeed, you helped him along without objection! Permitting something like that, nurturing that kind of change, is that caring for someone? And you want me to trust you? Ha!”

At that, Hua Cheng was silent for a few moments, before admitting gently: “If something of that nature were to happen again, this servant would make more of an effort to help His Highness understand the drawbacks. That is, if his choices would damage the well-being of his spirit.”

Xie Lian seemed surprised at that, glancing towards him out of the corner of his eye.

Guoshi scoffed. “More of an effort? Like what?”

“I would counsel him,” Hua Cheng said. “I would try to soothe whatever pain that led to such an impulse.”

Admittedly, at that, Guoshi’s heart softened a little. Still, though, he pressed onward: “And if he didn’t change his mind?”

Hua Cheng was silent. 

Guoshi sighed, disappointed. “You’d help him carry out the massacre, is that it?”

But now, it was Xie Lian’s turn to interrupt. “No,” he said quietly, his eyes swimming with tears. “Because I’d listen to him.”

Now, it was Hua Cheng’s turn to look surprised. He glanced over at Xie Lian, an unreadable look sparking in his eye.

Guoshi looked between them.

Well.

Maybe—

Maybe—just maybe—

This ghost king wasn’t the worst thing to happen to his student, after all.

In any case, Guoshi needed a break, and some tea, and some distance from this all to collect himself; so, he stood up, dabbing at his eyes with his handkerchief. “Fine!” he burst out—“Do as you wish! Teach that ghost of yours all you want, Your Highness—” He turned on Hua Cheng, wagging a finger at him. “But you’d BETTER listen to your teacher! No misbehaving!”

Hua Cheng nodded obediently. “En.”

“Do your work PROPERLY!”

“Of course.”

“Don’t you DARE influence him to make his calligraphy worse.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“—and don’t you ever, ever, EVER leave him alone! Do you understand?!”

Hua Cheng didn’t need to reply to that one; the look in his eyes said enough.

“Thank you, Guoshi,” Xie Lian said, seeming relieved, still wiping away tears; and Guoshi nodded towards his student.

“You’re welcome,” he said stiffly, “I’m glad we spoke.” With that, he hurried out.

Once he’d closed the door behind him, though, he felt a little bit anxious—after all, wouldn’t ANY teacher be nervous, leaving his student in the hands of such a strange creature? Hrm, and actually, he’d forgotten to mention—

“Oh yes! Your Highness,” he said, sweeping the door open again, “I neglected to mention this, but just in case you’ve forgotten, since your relationship seems to be getting close like this, remember that your cultivation forbids—”

He stopped short. Hua Cheng and Xie Lian were sharing a deep embrace; His Highness’ face was buried in the ghost king’s shoulder, while the latter gently stroked his back.

Sniffing, Xie Lian looked up, his face streaked with tears. “Huh? Oh, Guoshi, sorry—what was that?”

“Ah—don’t worry, I’ll tell you later,” Guoshi stammered, and closed the door again.

Well!

🖌️

That night, Guoshi was full of sighs. It had been a few hours, but he’d had some time to think, and he’d been starting to feel bad—why had he gotten so worked up over nothing? Calligraphy, it wasn’t really such a big deal; as long as his student was happy, why had he created such a problem? It was hard to trust that ghost king, but he had saved His Highness’ life, and he did seem as devoted as could be. Really, there wasn’t a better outcome possible; he’d stepped in when Guoshi hadn’t, so even a nasty ghost like that had to be respected.

Hrrrmm, yes, Guoshi had more to say, maybe even an apology to the both of them. And, it had been a few hours…why not go and have a heartfelt conversation right now, while everything was still fresh?

So Guoshi stood and headed down the hallway.

Unfortunately, as he was walking, he spotted trouble up ahead: Yin Yu, who looked to be falling asleep sitting against a wall, scrambled up. This time, though, he stood in front of Guoshi directly and blocked his passage.

“I spoke to the guards earlier,” Yin Yu said, with a rather taut voice. “So I know there was no intruder. I know you might not respect me, Sir, but I take my tasks from Lord Chengzhu seriously. If you need to go see him, the proper thing to do is—”

SMACK! Guoshi tapped a talisman to Yin Yu’s back, making him freeze in place.

“There, there, now, let me pass,” Guoshi said with a yawn, patting Yin Yu’s unmoving shoulder. “This old Guoshi only needs five minutes. Don’t worry, I’ll tell your Chengzhu it wasn’t your fault, young people really are too naive.”

With that, he strolled past and down the hall unimpeded, humming a little tune.

Now, it was late, so it was hard to know where exactly they’d be. Let’s see, let’s see…ah! There, there’s a door with some candlelight coming out from under it. Why not?

With a carefree sigh, Guoshi pushed open the door and stepped in. “You two, are you—?”

Guoshi FROZE.

Because—

Because—because—!

WHAT IN HEAVEN’S NAME—?????!!!!!!!!!

His Highness the Crown Prince, the CROWN PRINCE, THE GLORY OF XIANLE!!!!—was on the bed belly-up, his robes in dissarray, leaving him half-naked. His—his thing was out, and his body was covered in—no no no no—and standing at the edge of the bed, with one of poor Xie Lian’s ankles grasped in his hands—the other ankle, no, the whole quivering leg slung over the broad shoulder of—!!!

The GHOST KING???

The ghost king, who was standing there, leaned over calm as can be, plunging his UNMENTIONABLE deep into his most treasured student.

Guoshi CHOKED—

“G-Guoshi?!” Xie Lian cried out, tilting his head back, meeting Guoshi’s gaze upside-down. His face had been flushed before, but upon seeing Guoshi in the doorway, it nearly went purple. “I—I’m—oh no—!”

“You—” Guoshi took a step back, his eyes wide as saucers, pointing one wildly trembling finger at the sight on the bed. “You—YOU—”

“Wait, Guoshi! It’s just—I—”

“Ah, Guoshi,” Hua Cheng said, looking up with a placid smile. “Good evening. Before you jump to any conclusions, there’s actually a very good explanation for this. This is a very special form of qi exercise—”

Xie Lian let out a whimper of dismay, slapping his own hands over his face. “San Lang—”

“—it’s very healthy for both of us. It’s a special method that circulates spiritual energy very efficiently—

“San LANG!”

Guoshi took another step back, still pointing wildly, still not even BELIEVING his eyes—

But Hua Cheng only went on pleasantly：

“—even though, perhaps to Guoshi, I understand that it might look quite a lot like—”

🖌️

“SEX!”

Guoshi paced furiously, jabbing his finger in the air.

“They were having SEX! All along—AND he was teaching him calligraphy!!!!”

Guoshi whirled so hard that he practically tripped, pacing towards the other side of the room.

“How could I have missed it?! It was clear from the start—and they were doing it everywhere! Doing things under the desk, hiding, dressing up for it, even doing it while doing calligraphy—His Highness on the ghost king’s lap—!!!!”

A weary sigh came in response. “I don’t need to hear about Xianle’s sex life.”

“Sex life? SEX LIFE?!” Guoshi turned to the source of the voice, waving his arms frantically. “The thought of him having a SEX life, such a thing—it’s too much to bear!!! And this isn’t just any sex, mind you—you should have seen it!”

Guoshi shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself.

“The way this—this ghost was plowing into him, like he was tilling a virgin field!!!!!” Guoshi’s voice wobbled. “Just thrusting and thrusting, relentless, tossing him like a poor little bird—!”

Jun Wu made a face. “I don’t need to hear about Xianle’s sex life.”

“Well you WILL! Because this was a consequence of what you did, Your Highness, isn’t it right that you know?!”

Jun Wu looked at him dryly. “Nianqing, everyone knew.”

“WHAT?!”

“It was obvious.”

“Well—well I—I knew they were close, but to do something like this—!”

“It was obvious to everyone.” Jun Wu said boredly. “Especially obvious to me, since I had to hear them flirt in their communication array.”

“You didn’t HAVE to do anything,” Guoshi reminded him. “That was ALL you. And, speaking of you, I brought a gift!”

Digging in his bag, he tossed out a piece of embroidered clothing. Jun Wu caught it and held it up. It read:

I LOST AN ARM AND A LEG IN THE GHOST CITY GAMBLING DEN AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY HANFU

“Thanks,” Jun Wu said. “I’m not wearing it.”

“Don’t be rude,” Guoshi sniffed, sitting down at the small table in the room. He slouched there glumly for a few moments before sighing. “Was it really that obvious?”

Jun Wu picked at the embroidery. “Very much so.”

“Well—in the end, I did accept it, you know,” Guoshi mumbled, twiddling his thumbs. “They convinced me that it was fine, that His Highness could rebuild his cultivation—that ghost king really is a sly one!—but I made sure they did the marriage properly. All the rituals and such. If they insist on such things, after all, I’d rather it be official.”

Jun Wu opened his mouth, seemed like he was about to say something, then closed it again.

“But STILL!” Guoshi stood up again, rattling the tea tray on the table. “The thought of such a thing, I can’t get used to it, it’s so obscene! Good thing we never compromised our cultivation, Your Highness, participating in such filthy acts, and—what, what’s with that look?!”

Jun Wu had let his cheek sink against his hand, sighing heavily. “I can’t believe it.”

“What?”

“You forgot.”

“Forgot? FORGOT? FORGOT WHAT? This venerable Guoshi has been alive for a VERY long time, naturally he’d forget something here and there! It’s very normal, and if it’s forgotten, it’s like it—WHAT ARE YOU DOING! DON’T YOU FACE THE WALL, YOUR HIGHNESS! TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT ME! ALL RIGHT, MY MEMORY IS ACTUALLY PERFECT, AS BEFITTING OF A MASTER, BUT—IF YOU'RE REFERRING TO THAT TIME, WE BOTH AGREED THAT IT DIDN’T COUNT! WE—TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF YOUR EARS! IT DIDN’T COUNT, WE BOTH SAID IT, LISTEN TO ME, TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF YOUR EARS THIS INSTANT!!!! YOUR HIGHNESS! YOUR HIGHNESS!!!!!”

What is Guoshi referring to, you ask?

WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW!!!!! YOUNG PEOPLE ARE SO NOSY—GET OUT!!!!!!