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Chapter Text

JEON JUNGKOOK

The first time I saw him was in a cafeteria, I was in a hurry to get my coffee and go to the library to study, after all every minute that passed the entrance exam was closer and I wanted to finally get into a good university, that was my dream and I hadn't given up despite all the failed attempts.

While I waited for my order to be prepared, I ended up landing my vision on the figure of a man who wrote almost compulsively in his leather diary, he was very focused, the frown made the beautiful core extremely serious, he eventually squashed his chubby lips against each other and crossed out a word here and there. I was always a very curious person, so I couldn't help but wonder what story he was creating in those pages.

I don't think I was very discreet in the time I took looking at him as he sighed and closed his diary, directing his serious gaze to me:

“Do you like it?” he asked, looking at me. His eyes were small and slanted, like a cat's, and I felt very intimidated, automatically regretting the moment that directed my gaze in his direction. I was confused about what he was implying with that question. “Of reading.” He completed, understanding my confusion and pointed to the agenda.

“Ah…yes.” I sighed in relief, but I'm not sure of what exactly. Having the attention of that serious and handsome man looking at me made me uncomfortable in an unusual way. “I... I ended up getting distracted by seeing you writing, because I want to be a writer and I couldn't stop thinking about what you're creating. I'm studying to pass the college entrance exam for Literature.”

His gaze softened and his cheeks spread into a contained smile, as if he was both happy and embarrassed that someone would take an interest in what he was doing.

“Yes, I was writing a story, but it's nothing serious, it's more like a hobby.” The man clarified by fading his smirk and I was preparing to question what was the story behind it, whether he felt comfortable telling me the plot or was it too personal, but I've got interrupted by a loud "Jeon Jungkook" being called out indicating that my order was ready. I quickly apologized and grabbed my coffee to go, it was too bad I couldn't keep talking to him.

As I was passing the writer and waving a goodbye, I was interrupted by a question that would change everything from now on:

"Won't you share this pie with me? We can continue what we were talking about and, between us, this lemon pie is very good.” He smiled self-consciously and I could see his cheeks flush, as well as the golden ring glinting on his anelar finger as he rested his cheek on the fist. However, none of these things, not even the imminent entrance exam, made me say no. For some reason, I felt I couldn't deny this proposal, let alone him.

This was the first time I couldn't say "no" to Park Jimin and unfortunately it wasn't the last.

That afternoon was the first of many. Jimin was a formidable writer, he showed me a short story of his own, and we spent the whole day discussing literature. At that time, it felt natural to exchange our phone numbers, just as later it felt natural to make weekly appointments in that private coffee shop.

Every week my routine was repeated as follows: four days were focused on studying for the entrance exam and on Wednesdays I met with Park Jimin to clear doubts in our café. He proposed to help me with literature and korean so he confided to me that he was a private teacher, Jimin had graduated in literature and specialized recently, so he didn't have a steady job, his dream was to teach at the university, but before that he needed to consolidate his name as a professor.

However, he was not really my teacher, he was just helping me as a colleague and not only in terms of entrance exams, Jimin used to correct my stories and give me tips on how to write them more fluidly. I really enjoyed these encounters, it made me feel calmer and more confident with my writing. It was good. However, it was sometimes difficult to dispel the feeling that I was doing something wrong.

It is not wrong. It is not wrong. It is not wrong.

I repeated it whenever I caught myself too absorbed in his sweet smile, but my mantra was never enough as the golden glow of Jimin’s ring glowed brighter and brighter, reminding me more effectively that I shouldn't let our dates get too friendly.

Ironically, Park Jimin never dared to mention his wife in any of our conversations. It was like she didn't even exist, but that hideous ring was always there to remind me of reality.

Hanging out with him was the highlight of my week. I anxiously awaited Wednesday to arrive and returned home with a smile plastered on my face when the day was over. The brunette's recent presence was warming and made me feel a bit dumb, I felt like a balloon floating around without ever touching the ground. Few were the times I had felt so clouded by someone, despite knowing all our limits, I liked the sensation of feeling so damn light that only Jimin’s presence gave me.

However, there was someone who was not so interested in see me fly. My brother, Jeon Junghyun, seemed increasingly uncomfortable with me. As my smile grew, his frown deepened. One day when I was leaving the house towards the library, he stopped me standing in front of the door blocking my way, he looked at me with a feeling very similar to hate. Perhaps it was.

“Hyung, I need to leave.” I pointed out, trying to make my voice as calm as possible. With Junghyun, I always needed to walk on eggshells to not start a mess, it was never a good deal to make my brother angry.

"Are you going to find your little boyfriend, Kook-ah?" Junghyun questioned, his voice filled with derision.

I took a deep breath, trying to contain myself, thinking of the most appropriate words to answer this question which was such a delicate topic in our relationship. When I revealed my sexuality to my family the response was positive, my parents welcomed me with love and promised to protect me from anyone who dared to hurt me. However, how could they defend me from their own child?

When Junghyun returned from the army, he was very changed, was no longer my sweet Hyun , who once swore to defend his 'saeng from everything and everyone as a child, and definitely didn't accept my sexuality. I will not accept that this little fag tarnish my family's reputation, he never grow tired of telling me when our parents could not hear.

"Aren't you ashamed to do this disgusting thing in broad daylight?" he yelled, gripping my arm tightly. I tried to calm myself, to keep everything he was telling me from out of my mind.

“Hyung... Let me go, please. I'm just going to study.” I replied in a shaky voice, feeling my eyes water.

My plea only made him angrier, increasing the strength in his hands that would definitely leave bruises on my arm. As soon as I noticed the way his brows furrowed making his gaze even more predatory I knew what was coming next, so I just closed my eyes and waited. I didn't try to run away, as I knew I would get a lot more if I did.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six...

When my count reached thirty-five, it finally stopped. My body ached in several corners, especially in the rib area where the pain was so sharp I could barely breathe. My blood dripped onto the floor with some abundance and all I could think about was that this time he went too hard on me.

"Just like that for you to straighten up, isn't it, Jungkook?" My vision blurred, I watched him wipe his hands on his pants and retreat as if nothing had happened, as if his little brother, whom he'd so sworn to protect, wasn't hurt because of him.

I pulled my hood further as I felt my nose freeze, the streets of Busan were getting colder as winter approached. I had been wandering around town for hours, I didn't know where I was or what time it was, I just knew I didn't want to go home. In this case, I couldn't come back there so soon, Junghyun had hit me so much that it would be impossible for my parents not to notice and that was all I didn't want to happen.

On the day I decided to come out to my family, my biggest fear was that the news would impact them to the point of bringing us apart. That's why happiness didn't fit in my chest when my parents also accepted me, I knew it was a rare case and that almost no one in Korea could afford to have this acceptance. So when my brother first assaulted me I kept it a secret, because I knew that the moment the information reached my parents, my family would be destroyed just as I feared.

So I shut up and was beaten in silence. When he exaggerated too much and the marks were visible I lied, saying that some stranger attacked me. My parents were always angry and tried to do something, but I managed very well to get around the situation. But this time around it had been too strong and from the way my face looked I'm sure my parents wouldn't leave me alone until they had an accurate description or the name of the person who did it to file a report.

Walking was becoming an ordeal, the sharp pain in my ribs becoming unbearable with every step I took, and my left ankle was so sore I almost couldn't put any weight on that leg. Squealing in pain, I sat on the curb resting my body for a while to get back on my feet. I wanted to find some bench to spend the night. I even thought about going to my friend's house, but I know Yoongi-hyung would tell my parents everything the second he saw me, exactly like he promised he would do the last time it happened.

Minutes or hours passed, I don't know. I was feeling very cold, in a way that even my thick coat wasn't enough to keep the rain away. I curled up inside my clothes, trying futilely to get warm, my body craved a comfortable place to rest and a sheet to wrap itself in, but that was all I couldn't have at the moment.

“Jungkook-ssi?” I heard Jimin's voice resonate behind my back. “Is that you?”

I turned away without looking up, not wanting him to see me hurt. Not him.

“Hi, Jimin-ssi.” I replied, staring at his shiny shoes. I was always amused to note that he wore boots with heels to stand taller, he wasn't even that short, but it was obvious that his height bothered him.

"What are you doing sitting there this time of the night?" Asked kneeling in front of me. I lowered my face further, pulling the hood forward.

“Resting before going home.” A half-truth, at least. I heard his clothes rustling, a bag being tossed to the ground and him sitting down beside me, but I didn't dare look at him.

“Your house is on the other side of town. “He pointed it out. Did I walk all this? “It's also very late.”

"And what are you doing out so late?"  I replied just wanting to stop being the main topic of this conversation.

Jimin moved closer to me, his leg was touching mine slowly and his slightly woody scent gradually intoxicated me. I really liked the perfume he used, it always gave me a feeling of comfort that at this moment was all I needed.

"Buying my dinner, smart ass." - He rested his elbow on my body making me hiss in pain. “Look at me, Jungkook.”

I shook my head trying to get up, but the pain in my ribs was too strong, making me moan in pain and sit up again. Without asking my permission, Jimin pulled the hood of my coat back exposing my face. He took my face slowly forcing me to look at him. He gasped in surprise as he looked at my face. I really am not very pretty right now.

“My God!” His face twitching into a worried frown, he ran his hands over my cheeks carefully. "Who did this to you?"

“My…my brother.” Admitting it out loud was harder than it seemed in my mind, a lump formed in my throat and I felt my eyes fill with intrusive tears.

His features clouded over and Jimin pulled me into his arms, hugging me carefully, never tearing his eyes away from me. While I enjoyed the comfort that his embrace provided me, I also felt extremely humiliated that I was looking so vulnerable in front of him.

"Is that why you're on the street?" He asked, pushing my bangs out of my eyes, starting to wipe the tears carefully, fearing to hurt me. I just nodded briefly, focused on getting myself to stop crying, even though it seemed uncontrollable.

"Ah, Jungkook..." He whispered, hugging me a little tighter, but without losing his care. "My house is nearby, let's go there so I can take care of your wounds and stay the night, okay?"

"I-I won't cause any problems?" I asked, thinking directly of his wife, I didn't want to bother her. “And your wife?”

“None, she's on shift at work. Can you get up on your own? " I denied it. He helped me to get up and without asking he picked me up with less and almost no effort.

“H-hyung! Put me down, I-I can walk.” I struggled trying to get out of his arms feeling my face heat up, but he just held me tighter and continued walking to his car. I didn't even know he was that strong!

“You better not walk, be quiet." He ordered and I just shut up feeling too embarrassed to speak. He opened the car door and eased me into the passenger seat.

“That was very abusive of you, hyung.” I mumbled embarrassedly covering my cheeks to hide my flushed cheeks. The brunette just laughed, shaking his head and got into the car and sat in the driver's seat.

“I'm sorry about that toxic trait in my personality, but I won’t let you get hurt anymore.” He laughed, walking up to me and helping me put on my belt. I snorted in exasperation, he was treating me like a child, I still had arms. Okay, they were sore, but they still worked pretty well!

After complaining a bit to Jimin about it, the hyung finished getting ready and started the car heading towards his residence. We were in a comfortable silence, but he seemed too uncomfortable with something, frowning and gripping the steering wheel as he was deep in thought. I think I knew what he was thinking about, but I wouldn't want him to get so stressed about something that involved me, so I tried to start a conversation:

“Hyung, how did you recognize me today?”

"I recognized your silhouette." He smiled slightly, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Oh. “It's pretty memorable, you know?”

I widened my eyes feeling my stomach warming weirdly, the heat rising and gathering in my cheeks. Something about the idea that he had looked at me so hard that he recognized my silhouette and found it memorable made me shy. Does that mean he liked to watch me?

“Ah, I understand.” I turned my gaze to the landscape, trying to shift the focus of my thoughts. I couldn't think of him that way. "Can I turn on the radio?"

“Of course, yes.” He smiled affirmatively. I turned on the radio on my favorite station and just let the songs lull our silence until the moment we arrived at his house.

Jimin's house was not gigantic and extremely luxurious, but it was beautiful and comfortable, it was in an area out of town almost on the outskirts of Busan. I imagined that Jimin preferred to live in a quiet place like this, it suited him.

I sat on the sofa and studied the living room. The room was perfectly tidy and had some paintings decorating it. I couldn't help, but be surprised by the lack of portraits of the married couple with the exception of one. In the photo in question, a younger Jimin wrapped in a very chic and white suit hugged a short smiling woman on what I think was their wedding day. I was surprised by the blank look he had in that photo, a smile that didn't reach his eyes, mostly coming from someone who always smiled with them when he spoke to me.

“Your wife is beautiful. "I commented." "Was this your wedding day?"

"Yes." He smiled weakly, identical to that boy from years ago at their wedding. "Her name is Seulgi."

“Park Seulgi, it matches.” I folded my hands in my lap, trying not to look at him and convey the discomfort this topic brought.

Silence settled back into the room and this time it wasn't a comfortable one, it was a silence filled with unspoken questions for answers I quite didn't want to hear.

"Actually..." He sat down beside me. “It's Kang Seulgi, she didn't take my last name.”

I widened my eyes. This was unusual and totally scandalous for a country like ours.

“What was the reason? "I questioned.

The brunette shrugged his shoulders looking uncomfortable, maybe it was a sensitive topic in their relationship.

"She didn't want to lose her identity." Briefly summarized.

I dare to say I know him well enough to acknowledge that there was something else, and above all my curiosity, I knew it wouldn't be proper to ask any more, at least not at this moment.

"Well, come with me, I'll introduce you to the rest of my little house." He stood up, leading me down the hall.

The other rooms were equally tidy, although not very large, they looked comfortable enough for two people to live in. He stopped in front of the bathroom and looked at me.

"You can go take your shower while I make our dinner. As soon as you finish, call me and I'll take care of your bruises.” He said entering the bathroom.

Jimin opened the third drawer of a small closet there, took out a blue towel and handed it to me.

"It's clean, you can use it."

“Thank you.” I took the towel, feeling the fluffy fabric against my hand.

“There's nothing to be thankful for. Now go take a shower, boy.” He closed the door, leaving me alone and sulking.

It had been a few days since he started this annoying mania for calling me a boy or kid, no matter that I was already 21 and a few years younger, he continued to treat me like a child. Four years is nothing!

I snorted. Maybe that's what I looked like to him, I had to come to terms with the idea that Jimin would never see me as an equal. And he shouldn't! After all, he's married, I shouldn't even think about him that way.

I removed my clothes carefully so I don’t hurt myself anymore, went under the shower and turned on the hot water. As I washed myself, I realized how bruised my body was, as my blood mixed with the copious amounts of water. Despite the stinging this contact caused, the heat relieved some of the pain in my ribs, so I tried to stay clean as long as possible without running out of all the hot water in Jimin's house. I just hoped my ribs weren't broken.

After drying myself and doing my best to wrap my whole body in the towel so that my torso was not exposed, I left the bathroom in search of Jimin. I had realized that I needed to borrow clothes to dress me since mine were stained with blood and rain.

I found the brunette standing by the door, startling me.

“God!” I yelled, putting my hand on my chest. He chuckled, closing his eyes. “You frightened me.”

“I'm sorry, you were taking so long, I was worried. The way you are hurt I thought you might have passed out or something.” He explained.

I blushed slightly at his concern, it was strangely cute.

“I'm fine, I was just enjoying the water, it improved my pain a little.” I clenched my fists around the towel tightly to keep it from coming loose.

“Why are you all wrapped up?” He frowned at me.

"C-cold." I felt my cheeks heat up even more. "Er... I was going to look for you to borrow some clothes, mine are dirty."

“Ah, sure. I already left a separate pair of pajamas that will fit you.” The brunette took my hand pulling me into his room.

The clothes were laid out on the bed beside several medicine boxes.

"I think you'd better just wear your underwear for now." “Jimin handed me the piece. “I never got to use that one, so no problem.”

"I'll just be in my underwear?!" I widened my eyes. I didn't want to get undressed in front of him, no way. It was already particularly difficult to deal with my little crush on him, I didn't want to have to expose myself in front of him.

“Yeah…I'm going to need to take a look at your ribs.” Jimin smirked, seeming to be very amused by my desperation. "I promise not to look at you too much."

“Okay…” I took a deep breath, trying to get used to the idea. “Turn around.”

"Is it really necessary?" He arched an eyebrow.

“Do it!" I ordered in exasperation." Hearing the command, he rolled his eyes and turned away from me.

“I have the same things as you, you know?” I ignored his teasing and began dressing slowly.

After getting dressed, I sat on the bed trying to get used to all that exposure. It was embarrassing.

“ You can turn." I dictated it.

He came towards me looking more and more worried and irritated as he got closer with an improved view of my body.

"What a bastard." He said through gritted teeth, pulling my arms away from my torso, studying them carefully. "How could he do this to you?"

"I don't know…" My voice came out more fragile than I expected. That was a question I might never have the answer to. "Can we not talk about it, please?"

“Of course.” He smiled sympathetically, but the anger was still visible in his gaze. “I'm going to touch your ribs and you tell me if it hurts, okay?

I nodded slowly, he placed his hand over the region, squeezing slowly. I closed my eyes, squeaking in pain. Watching my reaction, Jimin stopped pressing and frowned.

"I think maybe your ribs are cracked, but to know we'd need to take you to a hospital..." I shook my head exasperated, I couldn't go to a hospital, no way. "Since you don't want to go, I'll put some ice in there and bandage it, okay?"

Jimin spent long minutes taking care of me, cleaning my wounds and bandaging the parts of my body that begged for it. When he got to my face, he shared:

"I'll never forgive your brother for what he did to your face." Admitted by running a cotton pad over my nose.

"Oh, so the rest of my body is okay, but not the face, huh?" I laughed softly, teasing him. The brunette rolled his eyes, pushing the cotton away from my face.

“ Of course not, everything is unforgivable. But, I can't accept what he did here.” His fingers ran down my face gently, resting on top of my cheek and stroking slowly.

"I look awful, don't I?" I whispered looking at him. He was looking at me with a mixture of affection and something else, something that made my stomach feel hot.

“No... Today I was sure that it's impossible for you to look "awful", your face is still so beautiful even when it’s hurt…” He confessed softly. I felt my heart leap at the idea that he thought I was beautiful. “And I also realized that I hate to see you hurt, you deserve affection and care, not this . Never this.”

His fingers slid to my neck, caressing the spot slowly. My pulse was so out of control I'm sure he was feeling it, and at the intensity of the moment I wouldn't know what I could say if he questioned me why I was like this.

Jimin curled his lips in a contained smile. I wanted to know why he was smiling like that, what he was thinking now when he looked at me in a way that was so different from normal.

"I'm done here." He said, pulling his hands away from me. "Are you still in pain?"

I took a deep breath trying to control my breath and get back to the normal schedule. I was always beyond myself when we had interactions like that, I never knew what they meant, but each time it happened, I forgot the context we were in and was tempted to throw it all away. As immoral as it was, the way my heart beat for Jimin made me sure that if he tried anything with me, I would never be able to deny it.

"Yes." I nodded. He got up to get a pack of medicine and handed it to me.

“Take this medicine here, it's a strong pain reliever that will give you some sleep, so let's eat right before you take it.” He explained, extending his hand to me helping me up.

"I need to get dressed first."

"Should I turn around again?" The writer spoke in a tone of provocation.

"Certainly." I raised my index finger, rotating my finger in a silent "turn" signal. He sighed, turning his back and I began to dress slowly.

“You know I've seen it all, don't you?”

“Shut up, Jimin-ssi.” I rolled my eyes as I finished dressing. “Let's go.”

I went to him, pulling him out of the room by the arm. I wanted to avoid this topic as much as possible, and if I'm honest, I'm really hungry.

“You're getting too cheeky, kid.” He took my arm slowly, helping me down the stairs carefully.

“I'm not a kid.” I mumbled, squeaking with every step I took.

Jimin arched an eyebrow, stopping midway, picking me up without much effort.

"It's not what it looks like now, is it?" He chuckled low, ignoring my mumbling and leading me to the kitchen leaving me sitting at the counter. “There, baby.”

“Ya!” I hit his arm slowly. He was too much, argh.

The brunette ignored me, taking two plates from the cupboard and serving food to both of us. After he had done that, he handed me the plate and two chopsticks, pulled out a chair and sat in front of me watching me eat.

Jimin didn't fail to amaze me, his food was delicious, despite not being very elaborate, he definitely cooked better than me. Throughout the meal, the writer kept making jokes to make me laugh and telling hilarious stories, but even though I loved talking to him, I was feeling increasingly lethargic and sleepy as time went on.

"Are you sleepy, Gguk?" he asked, picking up the dishes and putting them in the sink. I nodded slowly rubbing my hands over my eyes.

"You…" I yawned. “You never called me that.”

He approached me smiling slightly and pulled my legs to the edge of the counter.

"I like giving you nicknames, does it bother you?" He pulled me into his arms again. Apparently Jimin's new hobby was carrying me up and down, not that I was going to complain.

“No, not this one… The others are terrible, because I'm not a baby, a kid or a boy.” I mumbled laying my head on his shoulder.

“Of course, you’re not.” He laughed lightly. Normally I would retaliate that irony, but I felt too sleepy to argue, I'd put it off for another day.

I don't know if I dozed off halfway, but when I became aware I was already being laid out on the bed and covered with a fluffy duvet.

“Good night, Gguk.” I felt a kiss be placed on my forehead and he pulled away. I forced myself to open my eyes and held him slowly by the shirt. “What is it, hm?”

"Sleep with me, Ji..." I asked, closing my eyes again, sleep getting too strong to concentrate.

A while later, I heard a few steps and the bed beside me sank. I looked to the side and saw the brunette looking at me affectionately. He walked over to me, wrapping an arm around my waist without squeezing and laying his head on my shoulder.

"Better this way..." I muttered, snuggling against him, closing my eyes again. “Good night, Ji.”

“Good night, Gguk.” He repeated, kissing my cheek.

Jimin proceeded to stroke my hair uninterruptedly and I let him do so without the strength to deny any affection from him. It was good to be here in this way, despite the conditions that brought me to this moment.

There were many things in life that we couldn't afford to experience, as the first use is enough to generate a cycle of addictions. From the moment we get a free sample of what is so impossible for us, but that we can't help but want, it's hard to overcome. Because you'll want to live these moments and sensations forever until you get your fill, but you know you never will have enough. I knew I shouldn't get used to it, or even experience it, but even so, that night I got used to sleeping cradled in the arms of someone who wasn't and would never be mine. And, until then, sleep had never felt so good.

Chapter Text

Surrounded by comfortable blankets, I woke up to the incessant flutter of some cell phone lost between the sheets. Although I didn't want to move a muscle, the more time I spent with my eyes closed, the more the person seemed intent on calling. I sat down carefully and felt around the bed until I found the noisy device that bothered me so much. My cell phone screen indicated that it was 7:30 am and that there were fifteen missed calls, most of them were from my mother, some from my father and others even from Yoongi.

I unlocked the screen by going directly to messages and finding several of the same senders, while I was reading the last message sent by my friend a few minutes ago, the device started playing again with the word “mother” appearing on the display. I knew there were a lot of excuses to give and a lot of lies that I still hadn't decided on the source, but still I couldn't let my parents stay desperate looking after me. I took a deep breath and slid my finger across the screen to answer the call. 

"Jungkook?!" Her voice was higher than normal. 

“Hi, Mom…” I replied nervously. 

“ Where are you? Tell me now, I'll come get you”  She asked inquisitively, sounding more and more nervous. 

“I'm at a friend's house, no need to worry.” I tried to come up with a realistic excuse for spending the night out, but nothing came to my mind in such a short time.

“Don't lie to me, I know you're not with Yoongi! He's on my side, by the way, very worried about you.  Where'd you go, son?" She sniffed, making it clear that she had been crying. I couldn't hate myself more.

“I don't…”

“ Jungkook, we know everything. Please, just give me the address so we can pick you up, I'm going crazy with worry.” She interrupted me. What did she mean by everything ? 

“You don't need to come pick me up, I'll be home in 30 minutes. Please don't worry anymore.” I guaranteed. 

“ You're not lying, are you? He's not here anymore, you can come back!” 

"I'm not lying, I swear. I'm on my way.” I got out of bed with difficulty looking for my previously wet clothes and my shoes.

“ Allright, come back safely. I love you." She spoke firmly. 

“I love you too, Mom.” I replied, swallowing the lump forming in my throat.

I turned off my cell phone and hurried to leave. It didn't help that Jimin was nowhere in sight and that my body continued to hurt as much as before. Holding onto the stair rail, I descended each step slowly without putting too much weight on my aching ankle. When I finally got downstairs I could hear some dishes clinking and a nice smell of coffee seeping into my nostrils. 

"Jimin?" I called, heading into the room. 

He had his back to the kitchen door, concentrating on whatever he was cooking as he hummed under his breath. Hearing me call his name, he turned around looking surprised that I was there.

"Did you go down alone?!" His eyes widened.

I nodded and before he could start to complain I started to speak:

“Yes. Hyung, I need to go home, my parents were calling me and they were very worried.” I explained. As much as I tried to appear calm, deep down I was very nervous and he seemed to recognize it. His expression softened and he approached me. “I said I would be there in 30 minutes.”

"I'll take you to your house." He declared.

I shook my head desperately.

“No! This will be worse, they're already desperate and if I show up with someone, I don't know they'll think all sorts of things.” He brought his hand to my face, stroking it slowly in an attempt to calm me down. 

“I know…” Jimin whispered. “But I won't let you out like this, you're not okay. What if I stop just before your house?

I thought for a moment as he continued to minister his caresses. I couldn't deny him for absolutely nothing, it was ridiculous.

“I think that’s fine…” His lips pulled to the side in a small smile.

“I don't think you can have breakfast with me today, but that's okay, I'll have food for a whole week now.” He laughed. I felt a little bad, he had cooked a lot and offered all his hospitality, yet I couldn't stay to enjoy it. "Sit down on the chair so I can help you put your shoes on, I can't believe you can bend."

Without arguing, I sat down in the chair and stretched my leg towards him. He knelt down in front of me and continued on with his concentrated task. Carefully he put them on one by one, stopping to give my left ankle a brief massage and carefully tying the knots. 

“There, let's go.” He stood up and held out a hand to help me up.

I couldn't deny that all that physical contact provided over the past few days didn't please me, because the reality is, I loved every brief second his skin touched mine. I couldn't even feel wrong about it. Everything would be fine if I never did anything about the little one-sided feelings I had. I couldn't even tell if the nature of this feeling was a kind of admiration or a slight crush, the only certainty I had was that I wouldn't let whatever this is go beyond the limits of our friendship.

The path was filled with a welcome silence, Jimin didn't seem to know exactly what to say about my current situation, perhaps not really wanting to get involved more than necessary, and all I could think about was what awaited me at home. It was never my intention to get this far, I didn't want my parents to get mad at Junghyun or have to choose between one of us. I just wanted our lives back to normal and I would do anything to reverse the disaster that awaited me at home. As I got lost in thought, Jimin would occasionally put his hand over mine and stroke it slowly, in a way that brought me the security I needed to feel right now. 

It didn’t took long for me to found out how my parents had discovered what had happened between my brother and me. When I got home I was greeted by a long hug and a conversation that lasted a few hours. They told me that for some time they suspected that there might be a problem between the two of us, because whenever Junghyun was at home, I spent days at Yoongi's house and avoided him as much as possible, just like most of the times they traveled or passed to night out, I appeared bruised somehow. 

A few days ago, they had found me with some bruises that I had justified as a consequence of a fight, but in contrast to what I imagined, my parents had not fallen into the story and decided to investigate deeply. The means they found for this were certainly controller, they hired a residential security service that installed security cameras in the main rooms of our house. So, my father explained to me that when they returned from their trip and didn't find me at home, they immediately went to check the footage and saw with their own eyes what they were most afraid to find. 

Despite trying to convince them otherwise, nothing I said in favor of Junghyun resolved the situation, they had decided that it was past time for the eldest to move elsewhere. My mother was too shaken but resigned, and my father was too angry to listen to anything I had to say about the matter. In the end, my biggest fear turned out to be a reality, even though I had unintentionally been the trigger for all this disagreement between my family. 

After our long conversation and some time for reflection, I could only accept that I couldn't control the way my parents were feeling about their own child. Despite being against it, all I could do is understand and hope that their relationship improves in the near future. As for my brother, I haven't even seen him since I got back, he sent a friend to get his belongings and that's all I knew about him in the days that followed.

My parents were also adamant and there was no opening for discussion: I was forced to go to the hospital. There, my suspicions turned out to be true. I had twisted my ankle and cracked my ribs. The doctor explained that I was very lucky that although my ribs were fractured, no bones had separated in the injury and my organs were intact. However, it was still a situation that required a lot of rest and depending on my healing process maybe I’ll need to do physical therapy in the future, so I was cursed by a prescription that required minimal effort, rest and painkillers that caused too much sleep. 

That way, my parents had basically forbidden me to leave the house for the first month and so my weeks followed, most of the day I spent sleeping and in the hours I could concentrate I reviewed the contents for the entrance exam that was approaching. I was doomed to eternal boredom and what bothered me most was how little contact I had left with Jimin, he was always getting in touch with me through messages and calls, but I had never really seen him again. Each day it became clearer that I was completely addicted to his company. I missed every little thing about him, his cute little laugh, his feline eyes, his woody scent, the comfortable clothes, the caresses exchanged under the table, everything. 

I was miserable, having only Yoongi's company to fill my days with a little happiness. Hyung always came to spend the afternoons with me, even though his college demanded a lot of time. We spent several days watching some anime or movie, in others we just sat side by side studying and so the days followed. It was in the third week that I finally accepted Jimin's proposal to come visit me, because my mother insisted a lot on meeting the friend who had sheltered me that night and I couldn't stand the nostalgia anymore, it hurt every part of my body to have to deny it every time he asked to see me. It was physically unbearable. So I finally convinced myself that there was no point in hiding him from my family, we were friends after all. Only that. 

I woke up from a long nap taken in the afternoon with a delicate hand caressing my hair, when I opened my eyes I found Jimin staring at me with something similar to caress. Widening my eyes and wiping my face of any traces of sleep, I sat up in bed slowly staring at him after so long.

"J-jimin?" I hated the way my voice cracked and went up a few octaves. “What are you doing here?”

"Hm..." He smiled, pretending to be thoughtful. His hands hadn't stopped stroking my hair, now arranging the strands in the right places. “You said I could visit you, so after I left my class I decided to stop by.”

"M-my mother…”

"She's a lovely woman, indeed." His smile widened. I rolled my eyes, I bet the two spent hours talking while I drooled over the bed. 

“You should have warned me, I'm all messed up.” I mumbled. 

“I was missing you so much,, Jun ” Jimin said, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear and giving me a very strange look. “Can I hug you?”

“Yes!” I shook my head eagerly.

He wrapped me in his arms carefully. I closed my eyes letting his scent lull me as I tried to calm the unbridled pounding of my heart that intoned with strength and the desire to turn that hug into something more. We stayed like that for a while, snuggled in each other's warmth with the brunette stroking my back and my face nestled in his neck like there was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be. It was at these times that it was all too easy to fall into the narrative that my mind was surreptitiously creating, the distillation of a myriad of unlikely scenarios where my feelings wouldn't be immoral and where we could be more than good friends. The reality was different though, but nothing could stop me from just feeling. Whatever my feelings are.

As soon as we heard my mother's scream calling us to dinner, we finally let go. Dining with all of them in the same room hadn't been awkward, Jimin was an easy person to like, even though he was a little quieter than me, he had a good conversation and was very good at listening. So, the brunette quickly fell in favor with my parents and with a single conversation he was already being treated by my mother as Yoongi-hyung after years of friendship. 

With no surprise, we fell into a routine easily. As my recovery dragged on for another month, every Wednesday afternoon he came to my house to keep me company. Sometimes he helped me study and other times he just devoted himself to pampering me, even though I wasn’t completely incapacitated, not even close to it, actually. I liked the way all of his attention was focused on me during those moments, even though the way I was thinking about him wasn't healthy. I just wanted more, more and more. Deep down, I believed that there was no harm in allowing myself to have something that would never actually be mine for a brief moment, because it was just fleeting minutes showered with care in a dark room that no one would ever need to know about. How I felt was not relevant, as no one was aware of it, and I could always stop. Ever.

In slow steps, the months dragged by and soon I was well enough to leave the walls of my house. I returned to my routine and dedicated myself more diligently to studying for the test that was just a few days away. Despite having studied while staying at home, I had not followed the same intense pace that I used to have. Likewise, my meetings with Jimin took place again in our usual cafeteria, which I couldn't help but regret, as I had grown fond of meeting him in the safety of my room where we used to be much more affectionate than in daylight .

This time, I wasn't too scared of the exam, I had already taken the entrance exam a few times and now I had actually prepared for a year without stopping. I had nothing to fear. So on the big day, despite feeling a little anxious, I was really calm and prepared. It was no surprise that I came across the questions, I knew most of the content contained there, so I gathered everything I could remember and answered question by question, leaving last the ones I had found more difficult to answer.

After reviewing the answers of my questionnaire twice, I closed the test and handed it over to the administrator. I collected my things and left the room feeling the weight being lifted off my back, if all went well, which I was confident that would happen, next semester I would be walking down these same corridors, but this time as a student at the University of Busan. Not containing my happiness, I grabbed my phone to tell Yoongi that I had left the test. We had arranged to meet to celebrate as soon as I finished. Noticing that Jimin had texted me, I went straight through my friends' conversations and went to answer him. 

Jimin |

Good luck, Jun. 

Finished the test?

| Jungkook 

Thanks, hyung!

Yes, I finished!

I am now leaving the evidence room.

Jimin |

I know it might be impolite to ask, but did you do well?

| Jungkook

Yes! I really enjoyed my performance ☺

Jimin |

Good, you deserve it!

I was thinking, do you want to come home?

I could cook and open a bottle of wine to celebrate. What do you think?

Oh, forget it! You must have plans with your friends, I'm sure.

I bit my mouth thoughtfully. I had already arranged with Yoongi-hyung, but it wasn't often that I had the opportunity to meet Jimin. Besides, I always went out with Yoongi, we've known each other since we've been wearing diapers, it wouldn't be a big shame to unmark, I could even make up for it another day. Feeling my heart beat faster, I mustered up the courage to answer him.

| Jungkook 

No!

I didn't make any plans with them.

I can, yes.

I held my breath as Jimin repeatedly typed and erased whatever he was writing. Finally, he replied:

Jimin |

Right!

Do you want me to pick you up?

| Jungkook 

No need, I'm with my bike.

I'm on my way.

Jimin |

Okay ☺

Bye!

Cheeks burning, I wrote a message apologizing to my friend and asking him to cancel our schedule. The eldest answered me suspiciously, and after a bit of procrastination on my part, he just said: Okay, but don't be reckless. You know what I'm talking about. Although I never went into greater detail about my relationship with Jimin, he knew me like the back of his hand and whenever the writer's name was mentioned Yoongi became suspicious. Knowing my friend's sharp tongue and strong temper, I never tried to find out what he thought about it, I knew I wouldn't hear anything good. 

Deep down, I was aware that my need to be with Jimin whenever I had the opportunity wasn't very healthy. Every day I woke up thinking about when I could meet him and every night I fell asleep remembering the sweetness of our dates, even though I don’t know if I can call it that. I was addicted to his presence and could no longer fool myself in the meantime. My feelings had surfaced for something I couldn't understand, all I wanted was to get drunk in Jimin’s presence and hope that it would fill the emptiness present in my heart for the lack of everything we couldn't have. Sometimes I was scared a little by all this neediness, but then I tried to find calm in the face of this storm, because I always believed that there is no feeling in the world that could not be stopped. 

Pushing these thoughts out of my mind, I got on my bike and took care to take the quieter path. In a small town like Busan, someone might recognize me and even though I was always seen with Jimin, I didn't want any unnecessary rumors to be created. 

I knocked on the mahogany door three times and waited. Quickly the door opened and the brunette stuck his head out and grinned.

"You arrived fast!" Jimin said, giving me space to enter. 

I thanked him and went in, removing my shoes and placing them in the shoe rack that was positioned in the corner of the room. I couldn't help but notice how the delicious aroma of food filled the air, making my stomach growl. Jimin laughed lightly.

"Haven't you eaten since the test started?" he asked.

I shook my head, I didn't like to eat during these long tests, I thought it took away my concentration and if I got too nervous I could end up feeling sick. 

"Then help me bring the food here."

“Hey, are we going to eat here in the living room?” I frowned. He shook his head excitedly.

"Yes, I find it much more comfortable than at the table, do you mind?" 

“Not at all.” I smiled sideways. I accompanied him to the kitchen helping him bring the dishes and platters into the living room. I don't know how he managed to make so much food in such a short time, but he wasn't going to complain, he was really hungry. "Where do I put it?"

"On the coffee table." He indicated with his elbow since his hands were busy. After tidying everything up properly, I sat down on the plush rug and grabbed a cushion from the sofa and hugged it. "Do you like wine, Jun?"

I bit my mouth feeling my stomach go cold at this new nickname. I couldn't help but feel stirred every time he referred to me that way. 

“It's a fancy thing, soI like it.” I joked.

“Well, as today is a special day, I'll get you my most expensive wine.” His smile widened and he walked back into the kitchen. 

“It's not that special, we don't even know if I passed!” I mumbled leaning my head against the couch. A short time later, Jimin returned with an open bottle of wine and two glasses in hand. 

“I know what I'm talking about, okay? You're already in, I'm sure.” He filled both glasses, handed me one, and sat down beside me. "Now let's eat!"

“You don't say it twice.” I rubbed my hand over my aching stomach. He chuckled and proceeded to serve the dishes without giving me much time to protest.

“Here.” He held the plate out toward me.

"You know I have hands, right?" I arched an eyebrow, taking the plate from his hands. 

“Of course I know, but I like to serve you.” He smiled and proceeded to fill his own plate without paying attention to the redness that was sure to spread across my cheeks.

I grabbed the chopsticks and stuffed a handful of noodles into my mouth to keep myself from talking nonsense I’ll certainly regret. Jimin's food was just as I remembered from that night, well cooked and seasoned, very similar to the dishes my mother used to make at home. 

Dinner followed in a peaceful atmosphere, he bombarding me with the most outlandish stories about his students and me telling me everything interesting that had happened during the week, which wasn't much, just Yoongi who had started going out with a boy from dance course that had nothing to do with him, but that strangely together they made a beautiful couple. When we finished eating, Jimin took the dirty dishes to the kitchen and then came back to sit closer to me with his entire side touching mine.

"More wine?" He offered. I promptly pointed the glass at him and he laughed. "I didn't know you liked drinking so much."

“That's because you got to know only the nerd me.” I sipped the dark liquid, savoring it. It had been a long time since I had been allowed to drink, before I was very focused on studying and then full of painkillers. 

"Hmm, and what have you been hiding from me, huh?" He pushed me with one shoulder slowly. 

“That's up to you to find out.” I smirked.

In the middle of jokes, we finished the first bottle of wine and hit the second without too many problems. Although I wasn’t weak for drinks, I had been out of contact with alcohol for a while and I could already feel slightly dizzy, but nothing too aggravating. 

“Hey Jun, can I ask you something?” He questioned.

I responded with “hm” and rested my head on his shoulder. 

“In the months we've known each other I've noticed how smart and full of potential you are, but I never understood why you didn't go to college before, was there a particular reason for that?” He began stroking my hair slowly. I suddenly felt brave to talk about everything.

"Oh, well…" I turned to my side, settling myself better against him. “You know I'm gay, right?

Jimin nodded.

"I'm glad I left it on my face." I laughed. “But it wasn't always like that. When I was a senior in high school, I started to understand who I really was and what I liked, but it wasn't very easy for me… I didn't want to accept it, you know? So, I did very poorly in most subjects, I missed a lot of classes and didn't have the best behavior in the world. The consequences were obvious, I failed the exams and, obviously,  failed my senior year.”

“And your parents?/’ He lowered his arm, wrapping it around my waist and pulling me closer. 

“They knew something was wrong with me, when I failed my father took me to a psychologist and a short time later I had the courage to tell them everything. As you already know, they both accepted me very well and I gradually regained my spirits." I explained. "That's basically it, I ended up not having a good performance the first time I took the test, but this year I recovered my rhythm. I think everything will be fine.”

“Surely, you're still quite young, you have a lot of time ahead of you.”

“You sound like you're very old, but you're only a few years older than me.” I rolled my eyes. "You even look younger with that baby face of yours."

“Hey!” He patted my arm slowly. I leaned on him laughing, he always got angry when I made these comparisons, but it was nothing but the truth. "Are you getting drunk yet?"

“Loud at best.”  I stopped laughing slowly, noticing that he didn't stop staring at me.

"Funny, you blush when you drink." He pointed, bringing his right hand up to my cheek and stroking it slowly. If before I was red with alcohol, now it was all the closeness and contact that finally began to hit me. 

I couldn't stop watching him as he did the same, his eyes seemed to scan every part of my face.

"You have such beautiful eyes, Jun..." He commented quietly. I bit my mouth feeling my cheeks burn more intensely. "Especially when you look at me like that…”

"H-like what?" I stammered. He moved closer, leaning his forehead against mine and I really didn't know how long I could hold his gaze.

"As if you wanted something from me." His hand slid to the back of my neck making my hair stand on end. "What do you want, Jungkook?"

“I-I…I don't know.” I gripped the fabric of his shirt tightly, trying to look for some kind of support somewhere before I lost all rationality.

“No?” His nose trailed down my cheek slowly as his hand tangled in my hair and held on tightly. I held my breath, not knowing what to think, what to do, all I knew was that at that moment I didn't have the willpower to push him away.

“Um…I…” My gaze disconnected from his and dropped to his well-shaped lips. I tightened my grip on his shirt and before I could think about how morally wrong everything was, my lips were connected to his. 

For the first few seconds, we remained still, enjoying the sensation of our lips pressed together. But, the lull didn't last long, Jimin growled low as he parted his lips against mine, sliding his tongue into mine gently and pulling me against him until it was physically impossible for us to be any closer. 

Feeling my heart pounding, I returned the kiss with the same intensity, savoring the wine I could still feel in our mouths. While one hand held my hair tightly causing my scalp to throb, the other found its way around my waist squeezing it. 

Without pausing to breathe for a long time, we engaged in kiss after kiss and when I realized I was already lying on the floor with his body between my legs and pressed completely against mine. His hand gripped my thigh tightly pulling it towards his waist, I moaned low against his mouth, taking my lips from his and trying to catch my breath. He lowered his lips to my neck, kissing the area and leaving a few bites in the most sensitive places. 

It was when his hands crept under my shirt that I could feel the coolness of his ring against my abdomen, sadistically reminding me that Jimin was married and we could not be kissing. I widened my eyes pushing him abruptly causing him to pull away from me.

"Jun?" he asked, confused. 

I parted my lips, trying to catch my breath and reason. My God.

“Th-that was a mistake, Jimin. Totally wrong.” I felt my eyes fill with tears and before he could argue I got up straightening my clothes. I needed to get out of this house.

“No! Calm down, we need to talk.” He approached me again looking desperate.

 I shook my head in deny.

“There's nothing to talk about! You are married, Jimin.” A tear trickled down my face slowly. "What are we even doing?"

"No..." He took my hand. I pulled away my gaze from his, I knew the moment I looked into those eyes, I couldn't say no . I never could. “We need to talk, I have so much to tell you. Don't leave without talking to me, Jun, please…”

I took a deep breath, trying to think rationally. This wasn't the time, even though I wanted to hear everything he had to say, I needed a moment to clear my mind of wine and kisses.  

"We'll talk, Jimin, but not tonight." I can not. This is all very wrong and I need to think. He squeezed my hand shaking his head.

"Do you promise you won't go away?" I was surprised to notice that his eyes were filled with tears. 

“Promise.” I let go of his hand, going over to the furniture in the corner of the room and picking up my shoes and placing them haphazardly on my feet. I walked to the door and before I left I turned to face him. “In the next few days, I'll call you.”

“Okay.” He whispered. I nodded and left.

I unlocked the bike with shaking hands, climbed on and pedaled away. My mistake was to think that these feelings could stay under control, faithfully believing I wouldn't do anything when I had the chance, but now I was sure if it hadn't been for that damn ring I could have done so much more. As much as I felt guilty, there was still a side of me that was happy with what happened, I couldn't be more disgusted by my actions.

The worst thing is that every moment I spent with him afterwards I just wanted more, this time it was no different, despite the disgust for my previous actions, my more irrational side just craved the next kisses, the next touches. I couldn't let it happen, even if he's the one with the commitment, it wouldn't be right to keep getting involved with a man who already has someone. I had never met his wife, which was worse, because right now she was supposed to be on duty at the local hospital, totally oblivious to my existence and what was going on. It won't happen again, I mentally repeated until those words settled into a false truth that confronted my poignant desires.

Chapter Text

Passion is a concept, perhaps the greatest of all, that we are taught from an early age through stories, music, poetry and movies. The cause is the irrevocable need of human beings to love and be loved, however, what is not said is how difficult it is to love. 

I've always been familiar with love, but I've never really loved anyone. Do I love my father, my mother, Yoongi? The answer is yes. But the famous “romantic love” I never felt. Until now. 

Maybe it was too early to call what I feel as “love”, but there was no other title I could give other than this one, after all the feelings that throbbed in my chest were similar to everything I've ever read. Whatever it was, for me it was love. 

When I left Jimin's house, I was devastatingly disturbed and had long been convinced that my feelings were volatile, weak, and avoidable. But every second that the memory of his touches and his kisses was forever imbued the sensory capacity of my skin, I understood that I had recited to me a fairy tale, a childish lie: I feel nothing for him; I can stop at any time; 

The truth is, I couldn't and didn't want to. Because the day after I kissed him my heart beated faster, in a rhythm very similar to the sound of his name. On the second day, my nails suffered the attacks that the anxiety provoked by the prospect of not touching him again caused to me. By the end of the first week without a single contact with him, I felt like I might die every time I read his name and couldn't respond.

It's been approximately 17 days now since I've seen him or heard his voice, and a peace had replaced the constant pain in my chest, because now I understood. Deciphering all the signs, I understood that I already loved him. It was strange how the most clichéd description of love was the one that fitted me the most: fast and fatal. 

I had fallen in love in the first moment I saw him and had loved him the exact moment I let his tender hands  take care of my bruises. It had been a goner for so long that it was a dull joke to think that at some point I thought it was nothing more than an affectionate friendship or a little crush. 

Still, it took all my time to think, now that my feelings were no longer a mystery to me, I needed to think about what I would do with them. The truth in my heart is dirtier than I expected, because in the last few days I realized that I didn't care about his marital commitment, the only thing that bothered me was that he still wasn't with me. I know it's an immoral feeling, but that's what I felt. Not for a second did I want to give up being close to him, whether as a friend or a lover. 

I wanted him with all the strength of my soul. 

I used a trip my parents dragged me along to think about what my next steps would be. My family owned a country house, away from everything and everyone, it was the perfect seclusion place for me at that time. I took my little notebook, my favorite pen, and my best-loved book “Wuthering Heights” to be my sources of distraction. We spent a week enjoying the silence of nature, which helped me to understand a little more what I felt and what I really wanted. 

Sitting on the porch, I spent most of my days trying to understand my mixed feelings through writing and reading. A lot clicked in my mind when I was reading, for from the moment I understood and identified with the love described in Catherine and Heathcliff's twisted relationship, I knew I loved him. 

I finally understood that feeling that went against all the morals of the time and even now, I understood perfectly what led Catherine to her deathbed: the disappointment provoked and stabbed by the hands of the person she loved. It began to make sense to me the strength of the feeling that made Heathcliff beg to be eternally haunted, never to be abandoned and then die. It was a visceral, poignant feeling that clouds reason and makes you question morals. For the first time, all the descriptions I read made perfect sense.

If he loved you with all the power of his soul for a lifetime, he couldn't love you as much as I did in a single day.”

Heathcliff

I had long ago marked a sentence in my book and it never made as much sense as it does today. Embracing my feelings, I also understood that I couldn't run away from our conversation forever. I grabbed my cell phone and texted Jimin asking to meet him as soon as I got back to Busan. I was prepared for whatever was decided in this conversation, however, a part of me, the one that scared me the most, was not inclined to give up on the relationship that was built for nothing in this world and I didn't know if I would have the strength to hold back this desire . 

{...}

The coffee shop we used to frequent remained the same as it had been for weeks: with a low flow of customers, illuminated by a yellowish light and our table in the back was empty. I sat in the chair that faced the entrance and waited. 

Jimin, who was rarely late for our meetings, didn’t take long to arrive. He was dressed in a white shirt with the top three buttons calculatedly unbuttoned and his black hair swept back to show his eyes. 

I swallowed hard. 

The brunette smiled when he saw me and sat down facing me.

“Good afternoon, Jungkook-ssi.” He greeted me and although he sounded happy, his voice sounded different, a little harder. 

“Good afternoon, Jimin-ssi.” 

His eyes met mine and a shiver ran through my body in response. His gaze was charged with an emotion I couldn't identify, but it was enough to cloud my thinking and disrupt my heart.

"Have you ordered your coffee yet?" he asked. 

I shook my head. 

“No, I was waiting for you. "I explained.

He nodded and raised his hand to get the waitress's attention. She came towards us and pulled a small pad from the front pocket of her shirt. 

“Good afternoon, sirs. What do you wish to order today?”

“For him a cappuccino with extra whipped cream and cinnamon and a berry pie.” He dictated and stopped to think. “For me a double espresso.”

The waitress, who was named Hyerin by the identification on her T-shirt, took the order and bowed slightly as she left.

I felt my cheeks heat up as I noticed that he never asked what I wanted, but he knew exactly what I was going to ask for today. Jimin was looking at me intently as if trying to understand what I was thinking. I bit my mouth nervously and looked away. 

“Jungkook-ssi.” He called me.

I returned my gaze to his, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the formality in which he called me. There was no longer "Jun" and "Guk" in his line, the prospect of what that could mean made me deeply uncomfortable. 

"Why are you calling me that?" I stared at him.

“What do you mean?” He arched an eyebrow in confusion.

“So formal…I thought we were past that stage.” I ripped the dry skin from my mouth with my front teeth.

“I just…didn't want to make you uncomfortable after what happened.” He explained and began to stare at the table. 

I sighed and caught his attention as I took his hand. His palm was slightly damp and trembled against mine, denoting a nervousness he didn't convey in his features. 

“Nothing you do makes me uncomfortable." I spoke firmly. 

“After what happened and the way you left, I thought you didn't want that kind of closeness with me anymore.”  He linked his gaze to mine and seemed very sad, similar to the way he looked at me when we said goodbye that last time. 

“I couldn't walk away from you like that, it just took me a while to get my mind straight.” I stroked his hand slowly.

I didn't imagine that he could also be worried about a possible estrangement between us. In a way, I saw that his situation was easier than mine, as I didn't know what the extent of his feelings were – if there were any – and he would always have his wife's arms to come back to at the end of the day if he needed comfort or grew tired of me. 

“About that—” He was interrupted by the waitress returning with our orders. Hyerin-ssi stopped in front of us and placed the dishes on the table. 

“Have a good meal." 

The pie was well filled and it was a generous piece, I couldn't resist so I attacked it. I picked up my fork and cut a piece into my mouth. Jimin smiled looking at me and sipped his espresso. 

"Does it taste good?" he asked. 

I nodded and offered him a bite, which he readily accepted. My heart did little flips of happiness as I saw him smile and enjoy the pie.

"I was thinking maybe we'd better talk when we're done eating at a park near here." He suggested.

"I think it's better that way too." I smiled. 

We started eating together, sharing my pie and talking. Whenever we met, one of us forgot to order something to eat and ended up sharing lunch with the other. I particularly liked it when Jimin didn't order anything because I always put the pieces of pie in his mouth and he got all shy, blushing. It was so beautiful to see. 

He asked me about my days out of town and updated me on all the latest gossip from his students. Apparently, Jihyu had left her boyfriend, now ex, Kang Daniel for a Japanese girl named Mina who used to date her best friend! 

After we finished our meal, we paid the bill and headed to the park Jimin had suggested. It was a very nice place, not so big, with little movement and a small lake. I sat on the bench and he did the same.

Silence.

“I don't know how to start this conversation." He confessed.

I contemplated the sky thoughtfully. I didn't know either, how to tell someone that I'm so immersed in feelings that I didn't care about their marriage? How do you vocalize such selfishness without being a horrible human being? I didn't want him to see me that way. 

“Hyung... I don't know how to start either, but I know we should talk about what happened between us.”

“Okay…” He took a deep breath. “First, I want to know if…if you regret it.”

Did I regret it? No. Not for a second that was the feeling I had. There was a lot of anguish involved, but deep down it was knowing that what I felt was far from any kind of regret. 

“I felt many things, but regret wasn't one of them.” I stared at him. “I felt confused and guilty, but not sorry.” 

“You don't have to feel guilty."

“Of course I do, Jimin-ah.” I frowned. “You're married and we kissed, it's almost impossible not to be guilty when I know my actions were wrong.”

And even more guilt knowing that I would do it again a thousand times if possible.

“It's not quite like that, and anyway, I'm the one with this commitment.” He turned his body to face mine. 

“What do you mean 'it's not quite like that'?" I made quotes with my fingers.

“It's complicated.”

I sighed.

“Hyung, this conversation has no purpose if you don't make an effort to explain.” I studied his features, his gaze conveyed agony and his jaw was set. “No need to be nervous, it's just me here. “

He took a deep breath and wiped his palms on his pants. 

"Okay... Let's go. As you said, yes, I am married and I never hid it from anyone.” He pointed to the ring on his left ring. “The point is that my marriage is not like the others.”

“What does that mean?” I frowned. 

“I think to explain this to you, I need to tell you a little about my family.” He stopped for a while and continued:

“When I was a child I used to look up to my father a lot and because of that I wanted to be a literature teacher just like him from an early age.” I smiled, imagining a chubby little Jimin, immersed in books and playing as a teacher. “As a child, too, I already knew I liked boys.”

I opened my mouth slightly shocked. When I stopped to think about his sexuality, I often assumed he was just straight or was at best curious. 

“I never liked girls and I never hid it from my family, I was a very unfiltered child.” Continued. “My dad was always homophobic, as was everyone else in my family, and I was the 'greatest deception of his life' for many years, as he used to say.”

His bottom lip trembled, but he continued. 

“I was very headstrong, followed my dream of studying literature and stayed true to who I was despite my family disapproval. When I was finishing my college degree, my dad was working his magic to take the reins of my life in his hands again.”

“He is an extremely influential professor with a doctorate degree in the academia and used that to his advantage.” I squeezed his hand, hearing his voice slur. “He threatened me, said that if I didn't get 'in line', he would close all professional opportunities for me and spread it all over the academic community because no parent would want their kids taught by a 'faggot' like me.” 

The older man's eyes were full of tears and he needed a few silent seconds to continue talking.

“So I told him that even if I did that there wouldn't be a woman who would accept to relate to me that way because I would never give her what she wanted. That's when he introduced me to Seulgi, a medical student daughter of one of his great friends who by coincidence, or sadistic humor of fate, was in the same situation as me.” He sighed. “She was dating a girl and her father found out, threatened to stop paying for her tuition and close her professional opportunities. All very similar. For my father, it was the perfect opportunity: I should marry Seulgi. And then I did.” 

A single tear ran down her cheek. Quickly, I took my hand to the region and wiped the tear away. 

“I couldn't risk my first love like that, Jun. Because that's what studying literature and being a teacher was for me, my first passion that saved me many times, when I had no one and my father was very cruel, it was the one thing that I resorted to. More tears followed the first and I felt my own cheeks moisten. “So I got married and basically sold a part of myself.”

"Hyung..." I whispered, caressing his face. "You didn't sell yourself." 

“I haven't been faithful to a big part of me, I have to constantly deny who I am, so it's almost like selling out.” I wiped his tears with the sleeves of my sweater. “Do you understand what I mean when I say that my marriage to Seulgi is not to others?”

“I understand.” I nodded. "Has she never seen you in a loving way either?"

“No, as I said, neither was attracted to the other.” He said, rubbing his eye with the back of his hand. “We have an agreement to be with whoever we want as long as people don't know and we're honest with each other.”

“So is that why you almost always acted like you weren't married around me?" I questioned.

It was a real doubt, Jimin was always very affectionate and even brazen to me. So much so that I often didn't remember he was married until I saw his ring. He smiled weakly and looked away.

“Well, I was very excited as soon as I saw a handsome guy looking at me and as I got to know you I got more and more excited with the idea of having something with you. I often forgot that as symbolic as my marriage was, you weren't aware of it.” He scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed.

I blushed. Does this mean he was always attracted to me?

"Y-have you always been interested in me?" I looked at him, my cheeks red and my stomach going all weird. 

"Why do you think I asked you to share that lemon pie with me when we met?" He smiled sweetly.

"Because you wanted someone to talk…?"

“No, because I thought you were beautiful and I wanted to get to know you better.”  He explained and looked at me with the same mischievous smile on his face. 

Wait a minute.

I widened my eyes realizing something. 

"Does your wife know about me?!" I said, almost screaming.

“Yeah…she's almost my best friend.” He laughed.

“My God.” I covered my burning cheeks with my hands, mortified with embarrassment. 

I spent a good few minutes recovering from my sudden shame as Jimin laughed at me. Then I mustered up the courage to ask something my mind still had a hard time understanding.

“Why didn't you tell me all this before?

"I didn't know if you were interested at first and then I was afraid all this drama would drive you away." Jimin explained as he played with my fingers.

Thinking about everything I was told, it made more and more sense. Every time we met, it was in more reserved or less crowded places. Jimin never talked about his marriage, family, or sexual orientation, and at times he seemed to be hitting on me. 

"Did you and she ever thought about getting divorced?" He shook his head.

“The questions remain the same, you know? Our careers are still at risk, especially mine, so until my father's last breath... That's the way.” He shrugged. "None of us want to risk our dreams we've worked so hard for." 

It was profoundly deterministic to think that way, but it wasn't strange since repression has absurd impacts on our lives. It wasn't difficult for me to put myself in his place and understand his decisions, I don't know if I would do much differently, I couldn't see myself giving up my biggest dreams easily.

“I'm sorry you have to go through this every day." I squeezed Jimin’s hand."

“It's a burden, but Jungkook nothing was worse than seeing you walk away and not being able to do anything about it because… Jun, I'm in love with you.” He said looking directly into my eyes. 

My heart slowed and raced in a short space of time, slamming hard against my chest and clouding my thoughts. Those were words I didn't expect to hear today, but they were the ones I've been looking forward to hearing the most lately. The older one looks at me expectantly and his cheeks have a rare shade of red. At that moment, all I wanted was to kiss him there in broad daylight, but I knew I couldn't and opting for a half-truth, I said, 

“I'm completely in love with you.”

{...}

The hardest part of being aware of Jimin's feelings was not being able to touch him the way my body craved at that moment. We stood for a few minutes looking at each other, every spot on my skin that his gaze traveled over burned. His hand caressed mine subtly and the silence stole the air from my lungs. It was such an ecstasy to know that the feelings I had ignored and smothered for three months were legitimately reciprocated in some measure. 

Cutting through the silence, he said,

“You don't know what I would give to kiss you right now.”

I swallowed hard. 

This premature relationship had already started with the great burden of just looking at him while I wanted to cover all of his skin with my mouth. 

"Want to get out of here?" I suggested it. 

Quickly, he nodded. 

"My house or yours?" he asked. 

The suggestiveness of the question, even if it had no ulterior motive, made my stomach bubble in a blissful anxiety.

“Yours, my parents are at home now.” 

The car ride to his house was made in record time and during the entire journey his hand sought support on my thigh. The door clicked shut and when I turned around I was surprised by his body halfway through. Jimin approached slowly, leaning my body against the door. 

“Jun…” he whispered. 

I responded with an “Hm” feeling unable to form coherent sentences with such closeness and the latent desire transmitted by his gaze. 

"Tell me that I can kiss you, please." he pleaded.

His face was close to mine and with every word he uttered our lips brushed.

“Please…” I squeezed his shirt looking for the strength to remain standing. 

Before I could reason, his lips were glued to mine, seeking a hold on what already belonged to him. I had spent days daydreaming about our last kiss, craving more of his touches and remembering his taste. But nothing would prepare me for what it was like to have his hands on me again. 

The brunette was kissing me hard, as if he'd spent a lot of time wishing for that. His hands glided across my bare skin and squeezed where there was more flesh. This time, the domain was completely in his hands, as I felt too weak to do anything but let his lips take mine and his tongue lead me on. The shortness of breath hit us minutes later, causing Jimin to slide his wet lips down my neck as he released uneven breaths. My knees were shaking and the burning in the bottom of my stomach made me question how long I could stay upright. 

“J-jimin…” I tugged on his hair slowly, pulling his face away from my neck and getting Jimin’s attention.

He left one last kiss in the region and raised his face looking at me.

“Let's go upstairs?” I asked, trying to push away the shame that tried to settle in my body at the implication of those words. 

Without answering me, he grabbed my legs and pulled them up to his hips, scooping me up effortlessly. I wasn't surprised by his attitude because the brunette had already developed a habit of carrying me everywhere since the day I got hurt. The way to his bedroom was a winding one with a few breaks to exchange quick kisses against the wall. He closed the bedroom door with his foot and carefully laid me down on the bed, crawled until he was my height, and smiled.

"Hi..." He said, bringing his hands up to my forehead and pushing my bangs out of my eyes.

“Hi.” I smiled, placing my hand on the back of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. 

He grunted against my lips and returned the kiss, twirling his tongue around mine slowly. I took my left hand up to his chest and tried to undo those buttons that had tormented me so much today. Despite the shudders, I managed to undo one by one and gain access to his bare torso. Reluctantly I pulled away from his  lips and pulled his blouse off the shoulders, leaving his entire abdomen bare. I swallowed hard, the brunette had a smooth and toned abdomen being decorated by the drains on a trail that started from his navel and continued to the waistband of his dress pants. His nipples were brown and bristly.

With curiosity, I took my index finger to the region slowly circling making it hiss and leaning its forehead on my shoulder. I squeezed his nipple slowly, testing his reaction and getting a low moan in response. I repeated the action with his right nipple, he moaned leaning his hip against mine showing all his lust. 

I slid my hand across his smooth abdomen to the waistband of his pants and unbuttoned it. Jimin helped me in a hurry, removing the garment and leaving only a pair of white boxer briefs. I felt my mouth go dry. The garment he wore was a bit see-through in places and tight highlightining his stiffened member. God.

"Is this time to call God, Jun?" he said in a joking tone. I closed my eyes in embarrassment, I can't believe I actually said that out loud. “Cute…look at me."

I opened my eyes still ashamed and looked at him. Jimin smirked as he approached me.

"Are you really going to let me be the only one without clothes here?" I shook my head and pulled my sweater by the collar and pulled it off.

I was never insecure with my body, but the way Jimin looked at me at that moment made me want to curl up in bed in shame and never leave. He unzipped my jeans and took them off slowly, leaving me naked and at his mercy.

“Fuck…” He growled and slammed his lips against mine.

We spent a good few minutes kissing with our bodies tangled together to the maximum. He sucked my tongue slowly and thrust his cock against mine eliciting muffled moans. I broke the kiss by pushing his torso slowly making him lie down on the bed and sat on his lap.

Jimin was beautiful in many ways, but nothing matched his appearance now. With his dark hair tousled, his lips swollen and red from their kisses and, best of all, lying beneath me. 

The brunette sat up to my height and pulled me in for another kiss, his hands went down to my lower body, the right hand rested on my thigh and the left was over my ass squeezing it. Being encouraged by the constant tightness in the region, I started to roll my hips feeling his covered member aligned with my entrance. 

Our moans were muffled by the kiss that had more tongue than lips and took place almost entirely outside the mouth. He slipped his hand into my underwear and brushed his finger against my entrance making my body shiver in anticipation. Jimin withdrew his hand from the spot and brought his middle finger to my mouth. Then he ordered:

"Suck." I licked his finger from the tip to knuckle and covered it with my mouth. 

His eyes never left my lips at all, encouraging me to suck harder, probably imagining I could do the same later with his cock. After heavily moistening his finger, Jimin took it out of my mouth and brought it to my entrance.

"Can I?" He whispered against my ear.

I nodded my head. He penetrated me with his finger little by little taking care not to hurt me. I closed my eyes tightly, enjoying the sting that settled in the area. Jimin took his vacated hand to the bedside dresser and opened the top drawer pulling out a bottle that looked like lube.

He kept moving for a while at a slow pace until I got used to it and asked for more. Then he removed his finger, which was already dry and covered it with lubricant, penetrating me more easily. 

"Want another one?" he said as he kissed my neck.

I nodded anxiously and was soon being penetrated with two fingers. I stifled my moans by biting my mouth as I felt myself being held up like I hadn't been in a long time. I rolled against his fingers encouraging him to go faster. The brunette started to increase the pace and make scissors movements trying to widen me more. 

"Hyung..." I moaned squeezing his shoulder for support.

"Does it feel good?" He slid his tongue down my neck, sucking down my jaw. 

"Very." I gasped. “Please…”

His fingers hit a point that made me let out a strangled moan and lose all my wits. 

"Please what?" he asked, slowing down his fingers. 

“Please, fuck me." I pleaded digging my nails into his shoulders. 

Hearing my request, he made a guttural sound in the back of his throat and laid me hard on the mattress. Without saying a word, Jimin hurriedly tugged at my underwear, releasing my hard cock that made a popping sound as it slapped against my abdomen. He looked at me through narrowed eyes and placed both hands on my knees in a silent request for me to spread my legs. 

Without waiting, I spread my legs and was delighted with the way that his longing gaze did not deviate from my body even for a second. He lifted my leg and rested my ankle on his shoulder, starting to press wet kisses down the length of my tighs. 

“Why are you so beautiful, hm?" He moved his kisses up to my thighs where he lingered, licking and sucking the area slowly. “It always drives me crazy."

I squirmed on the bed as I felt his tongue slide across the bare skin to my crotch, where he left several strong hickeys marking the spot. 

“But you know that, don't you?" He nibbled the juncture between my thigh and groin slowly. "Always showing off those beautiful thighs in those tight pants"

The brunette went up the kisses to the foot of my abdomen and down to my member, however he ignored it and continued kissing the region around. My cock throbbed and begged for any kind of contact. I slipped my fingers into his strands and tugged hard forcing him to raise his feline gaze to me.

"Ji... Hyung, suck me, please..." I opened my legs wider in a silent request for more contact, whatever it was. 

He smirked and finally held my cock by the base and started to masturbate it slowly. I tightened my grip on his strands, trying to encourage him, but without success, as Jimin continued to ignore me. He continued to masturbate me and spread the pre-cum by the big one with his thumb making me moan and forget what I wanted at first. 

"I'll give you what you want." Hesaid, holding a naughty smile that I never thought I would see with such intensity on his face. 

I closed my eyes, eager for his touch that soon came, but in a very different way than I expected. I felt an icy touch at my entrance and as I opened my eyes I was graced with the sinful image of Jimin kissing me there. The brunette ran his tongue slowly almost like he did when he kissed me. My body heated up exponentially with the image unfolding in front of me and I couldn't control the unrestrained moans torn from all the stimulation applied at once. 

I pulled at his hair grunting as I felt him suck the spot with intensity and enter me with his tongue. Jimin was persistent, sucking and licking as if he wanted me to come from just that, which really would have happened in the next five minutes if he hadn't stopped. 

He rose to my height and gave me a wet kiss that I returned without resistance. I reached my shaky hand down to his underwear and pushed them down in a hurry, removing them from his body. After managing to remove the piece, I held his thick member masturbating it with intensity. 

Jimin moaned against his mouth and deepened the kiss, jarring our teeth due to the intensity of the exchanged caresses. My legs trembled just imagining what it would be like to be fucked by him when just the weight of his cock against my hand made me weak. I wrapped my thighs around his waist pulling him close and directing his cock to my entrance rubbing there slowly.

He leaned his forehead against mine, fixing his gaze on mine and, as I lost myself in the intensity of his gaze and all the feelings that overflowed through his orbs, Jimin penetrated me slowly making all the air from my lungs disappear and turning the day into night in a capacity that only he has. Like all Gods who change everything with a simple touch, Jimin had taken me apart and reshaped me with a simple action teaching me a language I can't speak with anyone else but him. 

I gasped, squeezing his back trying to get used to his length and breadth. Despite all the burning, my body shivered from the intimate contact and my thighs squeezed his hips trying to get as much contact as possible. He penetrated me slowly and by fitting all his member inside me I could swear that there was no other place in this dimension that I belonged more than in his arms. 

Jimin still hadn't moved, he was moaning against my neck and gripping my thigh tightly, seeming to need control.

"Fuck me, Hyung." I begged again and with my thighs I pulled his body closer to mine making him move. 

He grunted and lunged hard causing my body to slide up the mattress a little. The older one grabbed my hip and pulled me down and lifted my right leg to his shoulder and started to thrust at me voraciously. I rolled my eyes moaning.

"Jimin!"  I screamed when I felt the brunette hit my prostate making my body tense.

"Here, love?" He licked my earlobe slowly and focus his thrust into that particular spot.

The combination of that word and his movements made me an inconsistent mess of moans and shivers. My member was pulsing and releasing pre-seminal fluid in abundance, I didn't know how long I would take all those stimulation. The older one seemed to read my mind taking his hand, which had once been on my thigh, to my cock starting a slow masturbation, but it was enough to push me to my limit.

"Hyung, p-stop... I'll come." I announced trying to control the impending orgasm. 

Contrary to what I expected, Jimin increased the speed of his thrusts and started playing with the head of my cock. I rolled my eyes and pulled his hair hard, my legs were shaking uncontrollably and I was pretty sure I hadn't been breathing properly in a while. 

Amidst unrestrained thrusts and the constant thud of the headboard banging against the wall, my blurred vision disintegrated into shades of white as I reached the climax. I bit Jimin's shoulder to stifle, unsuccessfully, a long-guarded guttural cry. In response, he proceeded to unleash erratic thrusts against my body and with a sly moan released all his hot cum inside me. 

He rested his body above mine and for long minutes we were silent enjoying the contact between our bodies, the only sound that could be heard was the erratic beating of our hearts. I watched his flushed face and eyes covered with his hair damp of sweat, feeling an indescribable tightness in my chest. Because I knew that from that moment on there was no turning back, not after I had given every piece of my body and soul to this man who still had no idea that I so prematurely loved him. 

"What are you thinking, love?" he asked softly.

My stomach twisted with that little word that came up again, but this time in a more lucid moment. 

I smiled. 

"Just admiring your beauty." I stroked Jimin's plump cheek slowly. 

He smiled shyly and sealed our lips in a slow kiss. Overwhelmed by an incomprehensible feeling, I kissed him with more force, having the sole purpose of leaving eternal marks on his body and mind. That afternoon, we didn't get out of bed for a few hours, starting new exchanges of cuddling, and for some time, I actually believed it was impossible to keep my body away from his. 

When night fell, we took a long shower together and then sat in the living room to eat a pizza Jimin had kept from the night before in the fridge. We took the opportunity to talk about what in the heat of the moment we had forgotten: our relationship. It was a fact that because Jimin was married and living constantly on his father's tight reins, we could not publicly behave as anything but friends. It was also undeniable that our feelings were too strong to be ignored, two weeks was enough to convince me that the distance could drive me crazy little by little. I didn't know what would I be away from him. 

It seemed like an easy decision to make, to have your love I would have to give up part of my freedom, but this seemed like a low price to pay when in return I could have him like this: lying beneath me, with the reddened cheeks and the most beautiful look that the earth in its millenary years has ever witnessed.

"Jimin hyung, I want to be with you regardless of the consequences. I just want you."

For a few minutes he looked disbelieved, used to being an impossible case that no one liked to get involved in, but understanding the truth behind my words, he kissed me and whispered promises of a future. It was true that our relationship wasn't the easiest one, but I had a latent hope that we could reconcile these problems. 

As Jimin slept, I watched his chest rise and fall daydreaming about all the things we could live together. Before it was almost a crime to consider that he and I could form some kind of relationship, but now all I could do was fill all my daydreaming seconds with a fixed thought of the “we” that we started to build today. For the public eyes Jimin might not be mine, but for me he was my world and that was enough for me.

Portuguese version of this work!