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Chapter Text

“I would give up everything if it meant having my sister alive.”

A voice speaking from him back had Lan Wangji halted his steps in surprise. Of all the people he thought would initiate talking to him, Jiang Wanyin had never been in that list. Their twenty years of history were filled with bitter pettiness and unresolved hatred over one man. Now that Lan Wangji was finally on the road with the said man, he had never thought he would ever need to see Jiang Wanyin ever again.

He was wrong.

Even so, Lan Wangji still turned around to face him.

Stood in front of him was Sandu Shengshou with his sharp cheekbones and dark-rimmed eyes; from sleepless night, Lan Wangji hoped, because Jiang Wanyin deserved all the nightmares, after what he had done to his former shixiong. Despite the thinner frame and pale face, Jiang Wanyin’s chin was still tilted slightly high, still so arrogant.

It sparked an old-age irritation within Lan Wangji. Keeping his face emotionless, he stared at Jiang Wanyin, unwilling to say anything in return. After all, it was Jiang Wanyin who approached him first; Lan Wangji didn't owe this man any word or any courtesy.

When Jiang Wanyin saw Lan Wangji had nothing to say to him, his jaw visibly rippled in his effort to rein his temper in. But he was here for a reason- for a mission. He couldn’t afford to let his temper get the better of him. Taking a deep breath, Jiang Wanyin tried again - in a milder tone. "I heard Zewu-Jun went into seclusion."

Lan Wangji raised an eyebrow because since when it was any of his business? But he still replied a short, uninterested, "Mn."

"How is he?" Jiang Wanyin asked.

"Shufu said he's doing fine," Lan Wangji answered emotionlessly.

Jiang Wanyin looked as if he wanted to strike Lan Wangji with Zidian but he clenched his hands into tight fists as he held himself back. Taking again another deep breath, he spoke with the calm he didn’t feel. "Lan-shifu told you? You mean you haven't been back to Cloud Recesses to see him?"

Lan Wangji glared at the interrogation but the answer was obvious.

And something in Jiang Wanyin snapped.

"Lan Wangji! It's been almost a month!" Jiang Wanyin snapped; all façade of calmness was gone. "A month since he had found out about the ultimate betrayal of his sworn brother!"

A month since the cultivation world had changed from the revelation that the highly revered Lianfang-zun was responsible for the death of many high-ranking cultivators, including his own father Jin Guangshao. That night changed everybody who was involved, but most evidently Zewu-Jun, who had not only discovered his own sworn brother had murdered his other sworn brother, but he was also manipulated by Jin Guangyao to assist him in murdering Chifeng-zun. Jin Guangyao had used Zewu-Jun’s kindness for his own gain.

Anybody who was in Zewu-Jun’s shoes would have crumbled by the weight of the revelation. To have one’s world revealed as nothing but lies and heartaches. Apparently, Zewu-Jun did crumble because he had decided to enter into seclusion. Jiang Wanyin didn’t fault him for his decision for he had been once where Zewu-Jun was; only in his situation, Jiang Wanyin had no one to rely on to and he hadn’t had the means to seclude himself. However, it was the fact that Lan Wangji hadn't visited Zewu-Jun at all since that night was the one that mind-boggled Jiang Wanyin the most.

Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes at the accusation.

Jiang Wanyin ignored the anger rolling out from Lan Wangji as he pressed on. "And you told me that you haven't been back to Cloud Recesses since that night? At all? What have you been doing all this time? How could you leave him all alone in his grief? He's your brother!"

Something stubborn within Lan Wangji triggered violently. "I don't need you, of all people, to tell me that," Lan Wangji hissed. Didn’t Jiang Wanyin forget about Wei Ying? About how he had betrayed Wei Ying, left him all alone without support that ultimately had led to his demise. How dare he thought to lecture him about Lan Xichen?

"I'm the only one who has any right to call you out!" Jiang Wanyin spat out. "I have lost every one of my family! And I would have given up anything if I could have my family back – my sister back! But you! You still have your brother and he needs you! But instead, you walk away from him."

Lan Wangji raised his eyebrows in quiet contempt. "Funny for you to say that, Sandu Shengshou, since Wei Ying is still alive and all. And you haven't been trying to see him at all since that night either."

Jiang Wanyin tried so hard to hide his flinch but he didn't think he was succeeding. He swallowed the frothing grief and rage because he didn’t come to Lan Wangji to argue about his crumbling brotherhood with Wei Wuxian. "This is not about me and Wei Wuxian. This is about you not visiting Zewu-Jun at the time when he needed his family support the most."

Lan Wangji scoffed derisively. "If you couldn't go to Wei Ying because of your guilt, then don't go around preaching about me," he snarled before turning around to leave.

For one furious moment, Jiang Wanyin wanted nothing more than to leave as well because heavens know how much he loathed being around the insufferable, righteous Hanguang-Jun.

But he knew he couldn't.

Tried as he might to forget, Jiang Wanyin still remembered that cursed night. He remembered the paleness of Lan Xichen's face and trembling of his limbs as if the man couldn't feel the solid earth under his feet. It was as if everything he had ever believed in was taken away in a vicious yank. If Jiang Wanyin could, he would have gone to Lan Xichen to support him. But he couldn’t because he, too, felt the same way as Lan Xichen.

Untethered and unhinged.

Both of them were blindsided by lies that were so great that it left them stunned frozen.

Just as how the revelation of Lianfang-zun’s deeds came to render Zewu-Jun on his knees, the revelation of how the core wasn’t his had stolen any remaining peace of mind he had built over the years. Now, the core within him felt like an infected creature, spouting poison along his meridian lines. He felt like an impostor in his own body and none of his achievements suddenly mattered anymore.

It took everything in him not to take Sandu and gouged the core out right there.

After that night, he retreated to Lotus Pier, where he spent a month meditating his chaotic minds and suppressing his frothing rage. If he were to have any chance to avoid encountering qi-deviation, he would need to try to swallow everything down just like he did years ago.

He would have remained secluded in Lotus Pier too until one day, he heard two unexpected news brought by one of his disciples who had just gotten back from Gusu Lan Sect: one, Zewu-Jun had secluded himself for an indefinite time and two, Hanguang-Jun hadn’t been back to Cloud Recesses since the night at Guanyin Temple.

The news enraged him.

See, from the very first moment Jiang Wanyin had met Zewu-Jun, he had always admired him. The years he spent, sharing the same platform of sect leaders with Zewu-Jun, had turned the admiration into liking him. In his world of red-tinge fury and black-muted grief, Zewu-Jun was slowly becoming one of the few sources of light that made it somehow bearable. Jiang Wanyin took comfort in his kind smiles, his occasional warm touches of concern on his shoulders and arms, and also, his steady, unfaltering presence in every gathering they had crossed path. Each of Zewu-Jun’s gesture of friendship had never failed to make Jiang Wanyin's damaged heart fluttered into life.

It took years for him to admit that he loved Zewu-Jun; that he felt more than just a simple camaraderie for the man.

Jiang Wanyin loved Zewu-Jun in his own usual quiet and unassuming way. He loved Zewu-Jun with no expectation to be reciprocated, content to love from afar because he had learned from his father that he would always love more than he was being loved. His childhood of chasing the illusive love of a father had taught Jiang Wanyin to stop expecting reciprocation in his love. No matter how hard he tried to please him and no matter what his achievements were, Jiang Fengmian simply couldn’t love his son.

Not as much as he had loved his ward.

It took almost twenty years of rejection but Jiang Wanyin finally understood that he simply wasn’t meant to be loved. Even his love for A-Jie wasn’t enough for her because she was willing to die for Wei Wuxian and leave Jiang Wanyin and Jin Ling alone.

He was defective and unlovable but he also had his own pride. Knowing how noble and kind Zewu-Jun was, Jiang Wanyin also refused to be pitied. After all, he was used at one-sided affection, so he was okay with all of this.

The news of Zewu-Jun’s seclusion pulled him out momentarily from his haze of fury and grief. Jiang Wanyin knew first-hand the danger of grieving alone for he had been doing it himself for years. It was the last thing he wanted for the kind Zewu-Jun.

But still, he hadn't wanted to barge into Zewu-Jun seclusion.

So when he heard Hanguang-Jun was spotted alone in the northern area of Yunmeng, he swallowed his pride (his love would always outweigh his pride) and quickly flew to meet the Stonewall of Gusu Lan Sect.

He came with a mission to make Hanguang-Jun go home and be at Zewu-Jun’s side because he knew, if he were Zewu-Jun, he would want to have the people he loved around him. Thus, as much as he wanted to leave this conversation, his heart urged his feet to stay and tried one more time.

"Wei Wuxian and I had fallen out even before his first demise," Jiang Wanyin said curtly.

Lan Wangji halted in his steps.

"Our bitter and complicated relationship spans for almost twenty years. There were lies upon lies that nothing could be said to unravel all of it. Past affection and life-long gratitude are so intermingled that I couldn't set them apart. So when Wei Wuxian told me to leave everything behind that night; to leave the past in the past, without wanting to deal with the fallout of our brotherhood, it set in the last nail of our brotherhood's coffin." Jiang Wanyin's face was a mixture of pure anger and resignation. He was so tired of it all. "Hanguang-Jun, I have done my share of running towards Wei Wuxian; whether in his past life or in his current life. The message I received is loud and clear. I couldn't go to him. Not anymore. Because he doesn’t want to."

Jiang Wanyin raised his eyes to look straight into Lan Wangji’s. "But you, Hanguang-Jun, yours is different. For the last twenty years, Zewu-Jun have supported you. He took care of you when you were too injured from the elders' punishment. He visited you in your seclusion. He took care of your ward when you were unable to do so. He also took care of the sect just so you could be where the chaos is."

"Whereas my relationship with Wei Wuxian is riddled with lies and betrayal, your relationship with Zewu-Jun is not. He loves you so unconditionally. How could you not go to him like he went to you all your life?" Jiang Wanyin was truly baffled. He couldn't imagine leaving any of his family alone.

At Jiang Wanyin’s words, guilt writhed within Lan Wangji. For one whole month, he was so drunk with the new life with Wei Ying that the thought of his brother's predicament barely registered in his mind. Once shufu sent a message telling him Lan Xichen was fine in seclusion, he just nodded his head and resubmerged himself in the happiness.

Had he ever thought of sending a letter to his brother? Had he ever thought of trying to understand what his brother was going through? As much as he hated it, Jiang Wanyin made a good point. He should have spent a bit of time to go back home and visit Lan Xichen. It was a logical and rational thing to do.

But why did it have to be the man that he hated the most to make him see?

Irrational anger flooded through him and the words flew out of his mouth without thinking. As usual, Lan Wangji picked the most vulnerable part of his opponent to stab him the deepest. There was one thing he knew about Jiang Wanyin that he was sure no one did.

"Don't try to fool me.” Lan Wangji sneered with low and cold tone. “You may think you are doing this for the sake of righteousness but I know about your feelings for my brother. Do you think I didn't notice the way you’ve been looking at him all these years? Do you think you were being discreet in your infatuation?"

The sudden verbal attack on his one of deepest secrets caused blood to instantly drain from Jiang Wanyin’s face as he took a jerky step backwards in shock. His usual sharp almond eyes widened and his breaths ceased as fear consumed him. How the hell Hanguang-Jun knew?

Lan Wangji watched Jiang Wanyin’s face whiten with an intense feeling of satisfaction. "So, it’s true then? You did harbour feelings for my brother?" He, then, unsheathed Bichen to mount it. With last glare, he said cruelly, "Wallow in your pining, Sandu Shengshou. My brother would never look twice to someone as harsh and cruel as you; perhaps not even once." His lips curled slightly in self-vindication over Jiang Wanyin’s accusation of him being a selfish brother.

Speechless, Jiang Wanyin watched the man fly away. His head felt dizzy, the air stuck in his throat and his heart was hurting like shards of glass were impaled on it. When he touched his chest, he was visibly shocked to find it devoid of any physical blood.

How could it be? The hurt was visceral.

One-sided love was the recurring theme in his life but he was still holding on to it; still stupidly allowing his heart to fall in love.

He never learn anything, did he?

Chapter Text

~A year later~

Lan Xichen frowned in quiet sense of uneasiness. This was his third time attending cultivation conference since his exit from seclusion two months ago and he was beginning to see a discerning pattern – Jiang Wanyin was avoiding him. When he tried to smile at the stern-looking man, Jiang Wanyin turned his gaze away. When he tried to approach him, the purple-clad man would immediately talk to his second-in-command or some other sect leaders. When he caught Lan Xichen staring at him, he flustered and then, glared at him. Lan Xichen didn’t know what caused this avoidance. Had something happened when he was gone? Of course, he wouldn’t know it since he was in seclusion.

Looking back, Lan Xichen was glad that the time he spent in seclusion was not as solitary as he had thought it would be. Shufu and Wangji had come to visit him in periodic manner, never too distant from him nor were they suffocating him. They were just there for him.

Shufu filled him in with the news from the outside world so he didn’t feel so cut off, and both Shufu and Lan Wanji showered him with their steadfast conviction of their belief in his own inner strength to pull through this tragedy. The shaky ground beneath his feet slowly steadied and he felt more grounded as days went by.

Lan Xichen had found comfort in their presence, which was surprising in itself because he didn’t think he would want to care about the world anymore. The knowledge that he wasn't as alone as he thought he was had made the healing a bit faster; a bit easier and a whole less sorrowful than he had expected. He gradually understood that it wasn’t the world that he had gotten wrong; just Jin Guangyao. He now knew that just because the person he trusted the most had betrayed him, it didn’t mean the rest of world would.

This was just another lesson to be learned.

Lan Xichen would forever be grateful for Shufu. And Wangji, too. It didn't matter that it took his younger brother three months to come and see him in Hanshi. Lan Xichen understood the urgency to restore the chaos Jin Guangyao had left behind. He knew Lan Wangji was busy helping Shufu leading the sect in his absence. How could Lan Xichen resent his brother’s absence in his own grief when Lan Wangi was out there assisting their Shufu. He was there for Lan Xichen eventually and had helped him immensely.

When he decided to end his seclusion a lot sooner than he had expected, he had Shufu and Lan Wangji to thank and he vowed to work harder to repay their kindness.

The first time he attended the cultivation conference, he had been nervous. He knew about the rumours that were flying during his seclusion – about the return of Yiling Patriarch, about Jin Guangyao's deeds, about Lan Xichen's ignorance of them and the subsequent seclusion, also, about Jiang Wanyin's reaction to the return of Yiling Patriarch. While some rumours were true, most of them were embellished to the point of pure scorn. 

He worried about the cultivators' reception of him because he had spent twenty years championing Jin Guangyao’s virtues. Now that he was proven grossly wrong on all account, Lan Xichen wondered whether the title 'Zewu-Jun' even meant anything at all now.

That was why, in his apprehension, his eyes naturally sought out Jiang Wanyin for reassurance as he always did during their time spent as sect leaders for the last twenty years. He knew amongst the sea of adversaries, Jiang Wanyin would always have his back.

Lan Xichen might have been a part of the Venerated Triad, but it was in the young sect leader of Yunmeng Jiang that he often found comfort. His brotherhood with Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao was always filled with their endless argument and passive-aggressive conversations, and so, for twenty years, Jiang Wanyin was the source of fresh honesty in both of his conduct and words. Lan Xichen always knew where he stood around Jiang Wanyin; that whether he was angry or irritated or approving, Lan Xichen could clearly see them all. 

But as he looked at Jiang Wanyin that first day, he was surprised to see the violet eyes looked immediately away from him - grief was clearly written all over his face.

Lan Xichen exhaled softly.

He didn't think the event in Guanyin Temple still affected Jiang Wanyin this severely. Anyone with a small amount of intelligence understood what Jin Guangyao insinuated that night. Golden elixir to enhance the core; there was no such thing. But from the look of the deathly pale face of Jiang Wanyin that night and the panic on Wei Wuxian’s face, Lan Xichen could deduce it very well.

Lan Xichen had thought Jin Guangyao’s betrayal was unforgivable. But how incomparable it was to the revelation Jiang Wanyin just received? How cruel it was to know that the core in him wasn’t restored but was given without consent? How disheartening it was to be told that the twenty-year worth of labour and efforts that were poured so wholeheartedly was cheapened down and cast away because the core wasn’t even his? Lan Xichen couldn’t even imagine how Jiang Wanyin had felt that night, or if he still felt it until now.

Did Jiang Wanyin take his time to grieve properly? He knew how harsh Sect Leader Jiang regarded himself. He also knew how lonely the man was. While Lan Xichen still had his Shufu and Wangji, he knew acutely how the younger man practically had no family to lean on. 

Oh, Wanyin. He thought empathetically that day. I wish I hadn't taken too long to come out from seclusion. We could have helped each, just like we did throughout our friendship.

But he couldn’t go to him because Jiang Wanyin left so abruptly after the first conference ended. So, Lan Xichen promised to himself that he would catch up with him in the next conference.

The second conference he attended was still the same, with Jiang Wanyin refusing to meet his eyes and leaving as soon as he was able to. And now, in his third conference, he couldn't help but frown deeply at Jiang Wanyin's evasion. 

Lan Xichen needed answer and so, he went to person who never hide anything from him. He went to Lan Qiren. After the end of the conference, Lan Xichen went to his uncle’s room and knocked his door gently.

"Shufu..." Lan Xichen said after he sat down in front of Lan Qiren across the low table.

"Xichen, what is on your mind?" Lan Qiren allowed a small smile at the sight of his oldest nephew. When Lan Xichen announced that he wanted to end his seclusion, so much sooner than he had expected Lan Xichen to be, Lan Qiren had been concerned that perhaps Lan Xichen felt pressured to reassume his position. It was never Lan Qiren’s intention to make Lan Xichen felt that way when he told him about the current news of the cultivation world. He only wanted to anchor Lan Xichen in the real world and not set adrift in the solitary world.

He had let his older brother remain in seclusion. He wasn’t about to repeat the same mistake as he did before.

But now, looking at Lan Xichen’s pink cheeks and how the muscles began to fill in his clothing once more, Lan Qiren knew he had nothing to worry about. Lan Xichen was not like his father; he was much kinder and yet, so much stronger than Qingheng-Jun. Lan Qiren knew his nephew would be alright.

Lan Xichen hesitated for a few moments before he forged forward. "Shufu, I was wondering... During my seclusion, what happened to Lotus Pier in the aftermath of the Guanyin Temple event? How did the cultivation world react?"

Lan Qiren raised his eyebrows. This was unexpected. "Why do you ask, Xichen?"

"Shufu, you're aware of my friendship with Sect Leader Jiang. After all, you’ve always lamented how my sanity would be much more preserved if I had asked Jiang Wanyin to be my sworn brother, instead of Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao."

Lan Qiren chuckled. "Your bleeding heart requires a jaded pair of eyes. And Jiang Wanyin's scarred heart requires your endless kindness. Both of you perfected each other and don’t you think I didn’t know you have a soft spot for Jiang Wanyin. Until today, I still don't know what were you thinking inviting Jin Guangyao to form the Venerated Triad."

If Shufu had said this a year ago, when his heart was still so wounded from Jin Guangyao’s betrayal, Lan Xichen would break down in tears because if he had heeded Shufu, perhaps Nie Mingjue would still be alive and Jin Guangyao would remain someone whom Lan Xichen befriended once due to their shared past. But Shufu and the seclusion had taught him to accept the past and accept the things he couldn't change.

So, Lan Xichen simply smiled softly because it was true. He often wondered how much his life would have changed if he had Jiang Wanyin as his sworn brother. Perhaps, Jiang Wanyin would cast more light to his blinded eyes to Jin Guangyao's flaws.

"I had hoped that I can resume friendship with him. But it seems Jiang Wanyin is avoiding me. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't begrudge me taking time in seclusion. So, I was wondering whether he had taken his own time to properly grieve or did he just plough through his life like he always did without any regard of the tragedy?" The worry in Lan Xichen's voice was palpable.

"For as long as I knew him, Jiang Wanyin never knows how to take care of himself. I worried about him back then, and I worry about him now." Lan Xichen chuckled. "I worry about him all the time, Shufu."

Lan Qiren shook his head in amazement as he asked himself countless of time why didn't his nephew just take Jiang Wanyin as his sworn brother. "I have heard of the trouble in Lanling Jin Sect, with regard to Jin Rulan's future ascension. Maybe it is because of that? Jiang Wanyin is awfully invested in securing Jin Rulan’s heritage.”

Lan Xichen looked thoughtful at that information.

“But Xichen,” Lan Qiren said gently. “You must know that after that night at Guanyin Temple, you were not the only one going into seclusion. While Jiang Wanyin didn't officially declare his, it was widely known that he was barely seen outside the borders of Lotus Pier. To say he wasn’t affected by the event was a lie."

The amber eyes darkened. "He is alone, shufu. He has always been alone; in his grief, in his celebration and his achievements. For years I tried to be someone to fill that void and while I might have not succeeded, the few times I managed to coax a smile or two from him were like accomplishments to me. I have you and Wangji, and he has no one."

Lan Qiren watched the sorrow on Lan Xichen's face, as if the younger man couldn't bear the thought of Jiang Wanyin grieving alone; it was as if the very knowledge physically hurt him. Years before, Lan Qiren had thought it was merely Lan Xichen's empathic heart sympathising Jiang Wanyin. But now, Lan Qiren wasn't so sure because what he witnessed now was feelings that were too strong for mere friendship.

Was Lan Xichen even aware the depth of his own feelings towards Jiang Wanyin?

"Well, even if it took Lan Wangji three months to come back to Cloud Recesses, I'm still glad he managed to assist you in your seclusion," Lan Qiren agreed.

Wait- what?

Lan Xichen halted instantly in his rumination about Jiang Wanyin at the totally unexpected words from Shufu.

Lan Xichen looked up slowly to Lan Qiren, voice hoarse in disbelief. "Lan Wangji wasn't in Cloud Recesses before he visited me?" He wasn’t in Cloud Recesses to assist you? Lan Xichen thought because where had Lan Wangji gone?

"No, he was wandering the world with that Wei boy," Lan Qiren sounded annoyed, oblivious of the heart-rending expression on Lan Xichen’s face. "I had thought they would keep on wandering, considering Wei Wuxian's wild nature, but I was pleasantly surprised to find myself to be mistaken when he came back."

Lan Xichen sat still in shock. He had thought the three months Lan Wangji didn’t come and see him in seclusion were because the works and responsibilities from the aftermath of Guanyin Temple’s incident had kept Lan Wangji busy and away.

He had never thought that instead of assisting Shufu, Lan Wangji opted to go away with Wei Wuxian and to stay away from him – his own brother, whose grief was immeasurable that he couldn’t face the world anymore.

Oh-

Was that how much he worth in his younger brother's eyes?

When Lan Wangji’s world crumbled after the Siege of Mount Burial, Lan Xichen had tried to take care of him. He didn’t claim to understand the feelings Lan Wangji had for Wei Wuxian, but it didn't change the fact that he loved his brother. Anything Lan Wangji needed, if it were in his power to give, Lan Xichen would gladly give it all up.

For three years, Lan Xichen accompanied Lan Wangji in his seclusion. For three years, he took care of Lan Sizhui because Lan Wangji wasn’t able to do so. And for the years after that, he indulged Lan Wangji in his quest to find any traces of Wei Wuxian’s soul.

Lan Xichen had spent his whole life raising Lan Wangji and it deeply hurt Lan Xichen to realise that Lan Wangji couldn't spare even a short while of his life to be there for him.

Chapter Text

The revelation that Lan Wangji spent three months frolicking with Wei Wuxian while Lan Xichen's whole world crumbled in just one night left a wound so deep in his heart. Was this how Jiang Wanyin felt all his life when he watched his father favour Wei Wuxian over his own his son? Was this how it felt to love more than to be loved? If that was so, Lan Xichen didn’t know how could Jiang Wanyin stand it, because Lan Xichen built his life around Lan Wangji.

Shufu had always drilled in his head that he was the older one and he was the future sect leader. He should learn to be more responsible, to learn to temper his emotions and to grow up faster. He was taught to take care of Lan Wangji since Lan Wangji was placed beside him as a baby – to prioritise his brother’s needs and wants. Even when their mother died, Lan Xichen didn’t show his grief because Lan Wangji’s grief took precedence over his.

He was too busy being worried over his obstinate brother, who knelt for days in freezing weather outside his mother’s room. Even Shufu was worried more about Lan Wangji. No one remembered that Lan Xichen lost his mother too. And between the two of them, Lan Xichen held more vivid memories of her than Lan Wangji.

Back then, he learned to swallow all of his emotions at the young age because he was older; he was the future sect leader, and nobody wanted to know how he felt.

Lan Xichen grew up hiding his emotions, hiding them behind the smile and kindness. He grew up putting Lan Wangji's needs over his own. And now, to know how easily Lan Wangji could cast him aside for someone else; someone who wasn’t a family member, was the kind of hurt that he had never known before.

The wound festered in his heart. Each passing day it opened wider and deeper. Despite it all, Lan Xichen still kept his silence. He swallowed it down just as he had swallowed everything else that was bad and hurtful in his life. 

There were times Lan Xichen had wished that he could be less kind and less empathetic to the people around him just so he could care less about whether he was hurting them with his words or not. He was tired of trying to be understanding when his closest sibling didn’t want to understand him at all.

Lan Xichen was raised to keep his discontent quietly and to bear everything with a smile on his face and a heart that was quick to forgive. He was raised to love his family without conditions. He was taught to forgive without reserves. He was constantly reminded of his faultless conducts. Even though this revelation hurt like salt in an open wound. 

So, he closed himself off Lan Wangji. No longer he sought his brother in his free time because Lan Xichen didn’t want to be reminded of this hurt, especially if he saw Lan Wangji with Wei Wuxian. How was he supposed to confront Lan Wangji, without making him appear as if he was begrudging his brother's happiness?

He couldn't.

He wouldn’t.

Instead of confronting Lan Wangji, he decided to focus on trying to understand the reticence that Jiang Wanyin had for him. Asking Jiang Wanyin about how was he doing was something he could do.

Therefore, at the end of the second day of the conference, Lan Xichen rose from his seat and quickly caught up with Jiang Wanyin, who looked so hellbent in reaching for his room. This time he would clear up whatever it was that was driving a wedge between them.

"Jiang Wanyin," Lan Xichen said gently. He could feel the man's sharp tense at his nearness as Jiang Wanyin reluctantly forced his legs to stop walking. Slowly, Jiang Wanyin turned around to meet him; his face was pale as if he was expecting something bad to happen. The uneasiness that Lan Xichen felt yesterday intensified. Why was Jiang Wanyin reacting like this to him?

"Zewu-Jun," Jiang Wanyin said stiffly. He looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but here.

Lan Xichen tentatively spoke. "I supposed it was a bit too late for me to ask since it has been a year I talked to you, but, how- how are you holding up?" Perhaps it still wasn’t too late to ask. Perhaps he could still salvage this friendship.

The question caused Jiang Wanyin to audibly gasp. He snapped his head up to stare at Lan Xichen, his eyes wide in surprise. "...what?"

"This has been the longest we haven't spoken to each other, have we?" Lan Xichen pressed, thinking that perhaps this was the reason for Jiang Wanyin pulling away them. What they had might be not as close as what Lan Xichen used to have with his former sworn brothers, but Jiang Wanyin was still one of his dearest friends. He couldn't bear it if he lost Jiang Wanyin's friendship as well. "I'm sorry it took me almost a year to end my seclusion; I would have tried to be with you sooner if I- I could."

Jiang Wanyin couldn't believe his ears.

Ever since he heard Lan Xichen had exited his seclusion, he was dreading their meeting because he was so sure Hanguang-Jun had told Zewu-Jun about his feelings. The acerbic words uttered by Hanguang-Jun year ago had left Jiang Wanyin with a conviction that his secret would be made known to the one person he didn't want to know.

Jiang Wanyin knew his feelings were one-sided, but it didn’t mean he wanted to hear the words of rejection or the words of revulsion from Lan Xichen. He would rather Lan Xichen didn’t know at all.

"You thought I kept my distance because I resented you for being in seclusion?" Jiang Wanyin echoed because how was this man real? How could Lan Xichen think about him at all when he had his own baggage to carry?

Then his temper snapped because surely Lan Xichen didn’t think even he was that petty to belittle Lan Xichen’s grief. "Why would I resent you for that?! I'm not heartless enough to think your seclusion as a weakness! When I heard you have secluded yourself, I was so worried that you'd lose yourself! I know intimately how grief should never be borne alone. It had its way of burrowing deep into your heart, turning itself into hatred."

He knew because the love he had for Wei Wuxian had turned into hatred. And now, hate and love had merged with each other that Jiang Wanyin could no longer know how he felt for the man that he had once so willingly sacrificed himself for. As much as he hated Lan Wangji, he never wanted Lan Xichen to go down the same path as he did.

Not the kind, gentle Zewu-Jun. Never him.

Jiang Wanyin would never allow it.

"Then, why?" Lan Xichen asked, confused. Why else was Jiang Wanyin pulling away from him? “Why are you running away from me?”

"I thought you'd want me away!” Jiang Wanyin retorted because the fear that was coursing through his blood each time he crossed paths with Lan Xichen gave away to intense relief. Lan Xichen didn’t know. Lan Xichen didn’t know. “I thought Hanguang-" Jiang Wanyin immediately bit down his loose tongue, silently cursing his temper to get the better of him. Lan Xichen didn't know of his secret; wasn't that a good thing? He needed to learn to curb his tongue!

"Never mind,” Jiang Wanyin exhaled.

Lan Xichen frowned. "Wanyin, why did you think I would want you away?" He asked slowly.

Jiang Wanyin stared at the handsome face that was still a shade too pale and a body still lined with exhaustion that came from emotional turbulence. He reminded himself that Lan Xichen had just recently regained his footing on this world. He had hundreds of things to be concerned of - his sect, his people and his relationship with the cultivation world after being away for some time, and it would be selfish for Jiang Wanyin to burden Lan Xichen with his own demons and ghosts.

His feelings towards this man was his own to bear and his own secret to keep. It was just another secret in his long line of secrets. He had carried them for years already, why would Hanguang-Jun knowing change anything at all? As long as Lan Xichen remained in the dark, Jiang Wanyin had nothing to be worried about.

With that in his mind, he let out a soft sigh. "Never mind, Zewu-Jun," he repeated, but this time with a small smile of reassurance to show the man that this was merely a misunderstanding on his side. "You're right. I don't know what I was thinking sometimes. I'm sorry for avoiding you. It was uncalled for." He dared to raise his hand to briefly touch Lan Xichen’s trailing sleeves.

Lan Xichen returned the rare smile with his own brighter one. He returned Jiang Wanyin’s gesture even better by grabbing the raised hand and held it tight within his own hand. Jiang Wanyin’s skin felt warm and so good; Lan Xichen wanted to stay in this moment longer. 

The smile was on his face but inside his head, Lan Xichen didn’t miss the way Jiang Wanyin quickly aborted his word. Lan Xichen was certain Jiang Wanyin was about to say Lan Wangji’s name, which was weird in itself – Lan Xichen knew how much both of them despise each other.

Now, a question played in his mind: What did Lan Wangji say to Jiang Wanyin to make him avoid Lan Xichen?

------

"Shufu," Lan Xichen called out gently as he hastened his steps towards his uncle. "May I have a moment of your time?"

Since the cultivation conference ended a week ago, Lan Xichen had been wondering about the connection between Jiang Wanyin and Hanguang-Jun, knowing how much both of them loathed each other since Wei Wuxian died. Even if by some miraculous chance that they did talk to each other, Lan Xichen doubted it would in civil tone. Not to mention it was unthinkable that one would seek another voluntarily. Whatever it was that they talk about, it must have been something really important. But what?

This question frustrated Lan Xichen. There was nothing he hated more than being left in the dark, especially so, after the incident with Jin Guangyao. 

"Shufu, did-" he tried again. "Have Wangji talked to Sect Leader Jiang recently? Particularly when I was in seclusion?"

Lan Qiren stroke his beard thoughtfully. “I don’t think so. I would remember if Sect Leader Jiang came for official visit. He always had such a presence with him."

"Oh," Lan Xichen replied, disappointed that his conjecture didn’t pan out. He was so sure that they had talked and it caused Jiang Wanyin to avoid him. Then, another thought struck him. "But Lan Wangji had spent three months wandering with Wei Wuxian before he came back to assume sect leader position. Do you think that, perhaps, he had met Jiang Wanyin during that time?"

“Well, that was entirely possible.” Lan Qiren said. “Who knows what Lan Wangji was up to in those months.”

Then, Lan Xichen remembered something else shufu had said last week. "Shufu, you said that you were surprised when Wangji came back with Wei Wuxian. Why were you surprised?"

Instantly, Lan Qiren drew his eyebrows in disapproval at the mention of Wei Wuxian. With gruff tone, he answered, "You know how Lan Wangji is when he is around that Wei boy. The righteous Hanguang-Jun was suddenly devoid of all his teaching and upbringing. When he is with Wei Wuxian, his common-sense flies out of the window and he becomes rebellious, extremely biased and as shameless as his chosen cultivation partner." The word 'chosen' was almost spat out.

"Don't you remember, Xichen? He ran away with Wei Wuxian the moment the incident was over. He left you at the temple’s steps and couldn’t even wait for me to come for you. And when you entered into seclusion, he didn’t even bother asking for your well-being and he didn’t come home to see you hastily, even after I had sent him letter. It was as if the moment Wei Wuxian entered into Lan Wangji’s life, he quickly forgot about his family! I blamed both of them for their lack of empathy and sense."

Lan Xichen had never seen Shufu this angry before. Clearly, Shufu had a lot of pent-up emotions to be let out.

Lan Qiren continued, "When my letter couldn't prompt him to come home- to come home to you and me, I was resigned to the fact that Lan Wangji had chosen Wei Wuxian over everything else. There was nothing I could do to make Lan Wangji see my point-of-view. Despite my anger and disapproval, I still didn't want to lose him, so I asked him to come home under an excuse of organising a banquet.” He sighed.

“Even then, I was still surprised that he decided to come home."

"Shufu...” Lan Xichen said slowly as if he was discovering something unknown. “…if you didn't think Wangji or Wei Wuxian were capable to deciding to come home on their own-," …to come see his only brother grieving in seclusion. Lan Xichen pushed that hurtful thought down. "-do you think someone else told them to?" Lan Xichen's voice trembled slightly at the possibility.

Lan Qiren looked at his nephew in realisation as well. He inhaled sharply. "You mean- Jiang Wanyin? Are you saying that Jiang Wanyin sought out Lan Wangji and told him to come home? But why? Why would Jiang Wanyin go through the trouble? And didn't they dislike each other?”

Lan Xichen felt a rock formed in his throat because he had wondered about that as well. Perhaps Jiang Wanyin had heard of his seclusion and then, heard that Lan Wangji weren’t in Cloud Recesses. Perhaps Jiang Wanyin decided to cast away his animosity in favour of their friendship. If that was true, something achingly sweet bloomed within Lan Xichen’s heart.

"Jiang Wanyin said that when he first heard of my seclusion, he was worried that I would lose myself. He knew how it felt to grieve alone and he said that I shouldn’t be grieving alone,” He raised his eyes to meet Lan Qiren in wonder.

Of all the people that could advise Lan Wangji to come and see his brother, Lan Xichen had never thought Jiang Wanyin would be the one. Hoarsely, he said, “Shufu... I think it was Jiang Wanyin that asked Wangji to come home."

"Oh, that boy..." Lan Qiren breathed, deeply touched. How could someone who had been so severely tested and burned all his life, came up so empathetic? The depth of Jiang Wanyin’s emotion had always amazed Lan Qiren.

Then, Lan Xichen remembered the way Jiang Wanyin had avoided him, fear was evident in his face, until it gave away to surprise… and relief. Something had caused all that.

Lan Xichen would hate to think Lan Wangji had anything to do with that, but he had seen Lan Wangji at his most stubborn, especially if it involved Wei Wuxian. It was unthinkable, but not entirely impossible.

"…And I think Wangji said something unkind to him."

Chapter Text

Lan Wangji's sharp eyes followed his brother's movement in deep contemplation. In the silence of dinner table that they shared with Shufu and their inner circle disciples, he observed his older brother’s subtle distantness. On the outside, Lan Xichen's smile adorned his face as usual and his voice, when he reprimanded the unruly younger disciples, was as gentle and as courteous as ever. It was the same xiongzhang that he knew.

But somehow, Lan Wangji could feel the… sadness? disappointment? he couldn’t really identify. It was the same quiet melancholy that he used to see whenever Lan Xichen came back from meeting with his former sworn brothers. It was the same sense of frustration whenever the cultivation meetings didn’t go the way he wanted.

There was an aura of resignation that hang about him.

Something had happened two weeks ago since the last cultivation conference ended. Lan Wangji was almost certain that before the conference, Lan Xichen was fine – well, as fine as one could be when he just exited self-imposed seclusion.

Lan Wangji pressed in his lips into one, thin line. He knew a year was too short of a period for Lan Xichen to end his seclusion. Lan Wangji had spent three years in the cave, and yet, he still mourned for Wei Ying for more than ten years after that. Perhaps Lan Xichen felt might not be as intense as his.

While he was glad to give back the leadership mantle back to Lan Xichen, he couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. He was planning to get back on the road and continued wandering the world with Wei Ying; he wanted to savour the life free of leadership shackles and responsibility. He had never wanted to be a sect leader. But, was it too soon to do so? Wei Ying had hinted in his own unrestrained way of the places he wanted to go and Lan Wangji yearned to indulge his partner.

However, Jiang Wanyin's hateful voices echoed in his mind – how could you leave him all alone? He was your brother! – and he wished he could cast the man off his mind. He had come home and Lan Xichen had ended his seclusion. Surely, he had done his part, right?

With that conviction, Lan Wangji stood outside of Hanshi later that night. "Xiongzhang, may I come in?" He called out in toneless voice. 

There was a long moment of loud silence before he heard Lan Xichen’s muffled reply from inside. "Of course, Wangji."

When he stepped into the Hanshi and walked straight to the working area, Lan Xichen was sitting at the low table; he was already dressed in his night robes and his hair was pulled up in a simple bun without a hair ornament. He appeared to be enjoying the last of his tea before retiring for the night. Surrounded by the red-gold lights of the candles, the white robe that Lan Xichen wore accentuated the aura of melancholy that surrounded him.

"Have a seat and tell me what's in your mind." Lan Xichen offered with a soft smile on his face. It had been more than two weeks since Lan Xichen had talked Lan Wangji. The growing hurt in his heart persisted despite him trying to swallow it down like he used to. It seemed the time he spent in seclusion had changed him somehow; it didn’t use to be this hard to push away his emotions. And Lan Xichen wondered whether Lan Wangji's visit tonight was because his brother had noticed a slip in his mask; him withdrawing from them.

"Xiongzhang..." Lan Wangji begun with his usual quiet tone. "How are you holding up since the seclusion?" 

"Fairly well. The cultivation conferences I attended keep me abreast of the current issues and the paper works keep me occupied. Why, Wangji? Do you miss being a sect leader?" Lan Xichen teased gently, trying to maintain normalcy between them. “Because I could use a few vacations once in a while.” He chuckled.

Lan Wangji’s troubled heart was instantly eased when he heard Lan Xichen’s teasing. Maybe he was imagining all of Lan Xichen’s troubled looks. "You look well," he concluded. This might be a good time, after all, to ask him about his plan to go back on the road with Wei Ying.

"Xiongzhang... I-" He hesitated slightly before pushing through. "Wei Ying is feeling quite restless and I don't blame him. We've been staying in Cloud Recesses for more than 9 months and Wei Ying is never the one to stay idle for so long. So I came here to ask for your permission for us to continue with our excursion."

Lan Xichen inhaled sharply.

That was not what he expected at all. He had thought Lan Wangji came because he had noticed something was bothering him, but instead, Lan Wangji couldn’t wait to go out once again. Something of a deep-seated hurt burst up instantly within Lan Xichen. He clenched his hands into fists, trying to so hard to swallow it all again, but this time, it was proven to be difficult.

"You bolted out as soon as the incident was over. You took your time to come home. I wasn't even out of seclusion for two months and now you couldn't wait to go away again?" Lan Xichen's voice dropped low dangerously. Hurt was visibly in his tone.

The first sentence acted as catalyst as the emotional dam burst open. Lan Xichen couldn’t hide it anymore. "Shufu told me you didn't come home even after he sent you letters about me being in seclusion. I thought the reason you couldn’t come to see for three months was because you were busy helping shufu with the sect affairs while I was gone. Imagine my surprise when shufu told me that he was managing the sect all on his own while you were eloping with Wei Wuxian."

Lan Wangji sat stunned at the sudden turn of event. He had expected his request would to be indulged because all his life, Lan Xichen was his biggest supporter even on the things he didn't understand. He didn't expect this interrogation from him.

"Xiongzhang," Lan Wangji spoke up, suddenly feeling quite defensive. "I had found Wei Ying after 16 years of endless Inquiry. And after all those years pining after his affection, he finally returned my feelings. I just have to-"

"To do what, Wangji?" Lan Xichen's even tone began to rise. The dark amber eyes flashed dangerously. "To run away with Wei Wuxian? To leave shufu all on his own to clean up the mess from Jin Guangyao’s actions? To leave me alone in my sorrow and seclusion?!"

When he saw Lan Wangji’s lips pressed close in visible obstinance, Lan Xichen pressed on, the hurt that he had kept hidden for two years was frothing out uncontrollably. "How cruel of you, Hanguang-Jun." He snapped and watched Lan Wangji flinch. "Even if you've forgotten all that I've done for you your whole life, how could you disrespect and treat Shufu like that?! Shufu had raised both of us at the expense of his own chance of happiness, when we weren’t even his responsibility to begin with. Have you no shame at all? Is this how I've brought you up?!" 

"I couldn't stay!" Lan Wangji snapped. His own fury ignited at the accusations thrown to him. "Don’t you see? How could I bring Wei Ying into Cloud Recesses when I knew of Shufu's disapproval of us? When I knew of Jiang Wanyin’s hatred for Wei Ying? I have to keep him safe!"

"But you're not keeping him safe, Lan Wangji," Lan Xichen retorted impatiently. "You're hiding him. You're helping him running away from his own deeds; from the consequences of his own actions. Do you think Wei Wuxian’s dabble in demonic cultivation has no repercussion to the people around him? You're absolving his sins when you have no right whatsoever to do so!"

Lan Wangji reared back in shock. This was the first time he heard his gentle brother talking to him like that. He knew that this time, there would be no indulgence granted to him; just furious honesty.

Warning bells rung loudly in Lan Wangji's ears, but still, the stubbornness within him refused to accept those words. "Wei Ying has paid his dues. He paid it with his life!"

"No, he hasn't.” Lan Xichen reputed.

“He was brought back to life, and what did he do with this new life? Instead of learning from his mistakes, he continues on practicing the demonic cultivation as if he hasn't learned anything!" Lan Xichen raged. "He is still careless with his words and conducts. He hasn't been trying to make up to the people that he had wronged. For nine months that he has been here, he still has no respect for our sects' rules! He still flaunts himself so impertinently at shufu. And you wonder why shufu disapproves him?" 

"This is why I didn't stay." Lan Wangji bit out because how dare Lan Xichen said all those things to Wei Ying. “I knew no one understands us.”

Lan Xichen stared at his brother as if he were looking at a person whom he didn't recognise at all. All the biased veils he had always had for his younger brother were lifted and Lan Xichen finally saw why Shufu had been so disappointed with Lan Wangji.

Hanguang-Jun was a rule-abiding disciple of Gusu Lan Sect. He was a walking figure of righteousness and impeccable conducts.

This man in front of him was not. 

He was biased towards his partner, setting up a different set of rules just to cater to Wei Wuxian's whims. He was unfilial; shufu had given up his whole life to raise his nephews, living his life for them and Lan Wangji had allowed Wei Wuxian to disrespect the sect that shufu loved. And most of all, Lan Wangji had become selfish, because Lan Xichen couldn't imagine leaving Lan Wangji alone in his isolated grief in pursuit of something so self-indulgence.

If he had any doubt about Lan Wangji saying unkind things to Jiang Wanyin before, he didn't now.

"Why did you come home?" Lan Xichen asked in cold tone. 

The thin lips pursed in stubbornness in respond of his question, so sure of his own conviction, but Lan Xichen would show Lan Wangji that he could outmatch him. So, he stared hard into Lan Wangji’s eyes, unflinching.

Eventually, Lan Wangji spoke up mulishly. "If I said because I wanted to?"

"Then, I would say I did not believe you." 

Lan Wangji inhaled sharply.

"Why not?" He demanded.

"Because when Shufu sent you a letter, he said you didn't come home. It took him organising a banquet for you to finally did. Even then, Shufu was surprised you did. So, tell me, who told you to come home, Lan Wangji?" Lan Xichen asked. Fury filled him when Lan Wangji still didn't answer him.

"WHO?!"

Lan Wangji flinched at the rare roar. 

Trepidation began to fill his heart because the last time he had seen Lan Xichen get truly angry was the night at Guanyin Temple when he faced the unrepented Jin Guangyao. Furious Lan Xichen was truly devastating.

"Why does it matter who told me to come home?" Lan Wangji gritted his teeth. Did Jiang Wanyin say anything to Lan Xichen? 

The darker pair of eyes narrowed as Lan Xichen slowly rose to his feet and walked towards Lan Wangji with purposeful steps. The younger man quickly got on his feet as well, his defences slammed up. Their eyes met each other.

"It matters because apparently, that person is only one who considers me at all." Lan Xichen growled. "Do you know how hurtful that is, Wangji? To know an outsider cares about me more than my own brother. How humiliating that is because your conducts and values reflect mine; both as your sect leader and your older brother."

Despite the fear, Lan Wangji simply stared back in defiant. He knew Lan Xichen knew it was Jiang Wanyin.

"Who is he?!" Lan Xichen asked again.

He wanted to give him another chance, to at least look contrite in the face of Lan Xichen’s disappointment because amidst his anger, Lan Wangji was still his family. He was still the one whom Lan Xichen had carried in his arms when he was a child and sat beside when Lan Wangji waited outside of their mother's room in cold winter. Lan Xichen loved his brother but he wanted to know whether Lan Wangji would do the same thing as he had done. 

But Lan Wangji didn’t take up the chance, but instead, he snorted out loud. Xiongzhang thought Jiang Wanyin considered him? How laughable. That hateful man didn't care for Lan Xichen. Didn't xiongzhang know that Jiang Wanyin was trying to get into his good graces because of his so-called attraction to him? The nerves of that man, thinking that he would have any chance at all.

He wondered what would Lan Xichen think if he knew about Jiang Wanyin’s lust for him? Would he still think Jiang Wanyin as considerate?

"That man wasn't doing it for your sake, xiongzhang," Lan Wangji muttered.

The answer almost made Lan Xichen cry in frustration. Lan Wangji still insisted in his foolish pride and long-held hatred for Jiang Wanyin. At this moment, the 4000 rules dissipated in the wind. In his blind quest to love and protect Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji had lost sight of what was right and wrong. His hatred towards Jiang Wanyin and his absolute devotion towards Wei Wuxian were beyond the logical minds.

Didn't he know that he was breaking Lan Xichen's heart? Would he even care if he knew?

"Get out." Lan Xichen growled finally after a few heart-breaking moments of contemplation because he now realised that he had lost the Hanguang-Jun that he raised and loved. His moral compass was now dictated by Wei Wuxian’s wants and needs and not what was right and wrong anymore.

This man wasn't his younger brother; he was Wei Wuxian's lover.

"Xiongzhang..?" Lan Wangji echoed.

"I said get out! Get out of Hanshi! Get out of Cloud Recesses too since that's what Wei Wuxian wanted, right?! Until you regain your own righteousness, Hanguang-Jun, Gusu Lan Sect shall bear no responsibility for your action any longer!" He turned around, away from Lan Wangji as his heart shattered.

Lan Wangji’s blood boiled. He couldn't believe Lan Xichen's ultimatum. How could his brother cast him aside just because he was unwilling to say Jiang Wanyin's name? Pride and bitterness consumed him once more, as it always did when it came to Sandu Shengshou. Oh- his brother thought Jiang Wanyin cared for him? Lan Wangji would prove him wrong.

With low and cold tone, he spoke, "Jiang Wanyin doesn't care for you, Zewu-Jun. Don't you know how he lusts after you?”

Lan Xichen's heart stopped at Lan Wangji’s words. Shock halted his anger as a rock formed and was stuck in his throat. Did he hear that correctly?

Seeing his brother’s stunned silence, Lan Wangji pushed his daggered words even deeper. “Don't you know he dares wanting someone so unlike him – so above him? I've seen way those cruel eyes trailed after you during all the nighthunts events we attended. He thought I didn’t notice his behaviour, but I did. In return for your kindness, he harbours licentious thoughts.”

Lan Wangji said quietly. “And that, is the man you claim cares for you." 

Wanyin... wanted him? Desire him?

The beautiful, aloof and untouchable Jiang Wanyin?

Never in his wildest imagination had he ever thought that Jiang Wanyin would want him that way. Lan Xichen wasn't sure how he felt about that but- oh heavens, but why did this knowledge made his heart feel constricted and ached like this? Was it a feeling of flatter or yearning? All he was certain was that, at this moment, he wanted to go to Jiang Wanyin.

He wanted to see those feelings himself. He wanted to see desire in those amethyst eyes because how could he have missed it all these years? 

But then, shock gradually gave away to blooming wrath as the rest of Lan Wangji's words registered. Did Lan Wangji just insinuate Jiang Wanyin wasn't worthy of being loved? And his love was worthless? The same Jiang Wanyin? The one who had been alone in his sorrow of losing his entire family in a short span of time? The one who had been so steadfast in his efforts to rebuild his sect from the ashes? The one who had kept his chin high, his back straight and his heart hard in the midst of public scorn?

No matter what the public said about Jiang Wanyin, Lan Xichen saw Jiang Wanyin as he was. He had spent years admiring Jiang Wanyin’s perseverance, not knowing whether he would have that kind of strength if he were in Jiang Wanyin’s shoes.

And Lan Wangji thought that man to be beneath anybody?

How dare him?

The audacity and the arrogance showed by his younger brother were astounding. Who was Lan Wangji to presume anything about a man he had avoided for sixteen years? And to say anyone was beneath someone else was the line Lan Xichen deemed to be uncrossable.

Slowly, he turned around; his eyes were wide in absolute fury. This rage was beyond the one he felt for Jin Guangyao’s unrepentance; beyond the one he felt when Cloud Recesses was burning.

"Say that again," he ordered with deep growl.

Lan Wangji actually took a step back at the dark look on Lan Xichen’s face. "Xiongzhang..." 

"I said, say that again." Lan Xichen advanced; his eyes were wild.

He didn’t understand this. Why was Lan Xichen angry? Didn't Sandu Shengshou's reputation say everything about the man himself? And since when Lan Xichen care anything at all about Jiang Wanyin? They weren’t even friends! Lan Wangji would know if they were!

Still, he opened his mouth, hatred overflowed, and challengingly said, "Jiang Wanyin is beneath us-" He didn't even manage to complete his sentence when Lan Xichen abruptly raised his hand and slap him across the cheek with resounding fury.

"LAN WANGJI!"

The sound of loud smack echoed in the quiet space of Hanshi, followed by the sound of harsh breathings - one filled with anger and the other one filled with shock.

Lan Xichen stared at Lan Wangji, who had his hand cupped on his cheek. Lan Xichen’s eyes were wide with tears fell down his cheeks, face paled and his chest heaved in utter, utter disappointment. 

"How dare you," Lan Xichen whispered; there were tears in his trembling voice. "How dare you think Jiang Wanyin is beneath anyone at all. How dare you think anybody is not good enough for someone solely based on your biased presumption.”

Lan Wangji froze, still shock at the harsh slap his gentle brother had given him.

"You only see the good in Wei Wuxian because of your feelings for him, but do you even stop for a moment to consider the trails of destruction he left behind? That among all of us, Jiang Wanyin suffered the most from Yiling Patriarch's doings?"

Lan Xichen remembered crossing his paths with Jiang Wanyin in Lanling Jin Sect, in Cloud Recesses and in Qinghe Nie Sect during all those years after. He recalled an image of young man, at the tender age of eighteen, with lines of weary, grief and rage framing his eyes and mouth as he ran himself ragged to take care his fledging sect and his orphaned nephew. He remembered seeing him kneeling beside Jin Ling's baby cot, cooing soft words with sad eyes. He remembered the barely hidden rage as he stood stoically as the cultivation world sneered at his sect's tarnished reputation because of Yiling Patriarch. And most of all, Lan Xichen remembered the acute sense of loneliness rolling off from the man- no, the boy, who had lost too much, too soon and yet, still refused to bow down to the cruel fate.

In Lan Xichen’s eyes, Jiang Wanyin was the unshakeable mountain, the raging relentless river, and the lonely cloud during long winter. 

Beneath him? Despite everything that Jiang Wanyin was, Lan Wangji thought him to be beneath Lan Xichen, when it was Lan Xichen who had been admiring the tenacious man from the side lines for so many years. How laughable was that?

"He is more than me. More than you. More than any of us. He accomplishes everything on his own, with sorrow in his heart, fury in his mind. And despite it all, he loves. Oh heavens- how he loves. He loves without conditions, without reserves and without prejudices. You should see the way Jiang Wanyin loves Jin Ling."

Lan Xichen wiped the tears away angrily. "If what you said is true, then you don't know the honour of having that kind of person wanting you because it means he thinks I still have something to offer to him."

"Close the door when you leave, Hanguang-Jun."

Chapter Text

It was almost late afternoon when Lan Qiren finally was able to sit down with a relieved sigh with a set of steaming tea and food laid in front of him. The day had been long and hectic and he felt exhaustion seep into his bones. But while he was tired, he was happy at the productive day he was having. For the first time in a year, Lan Qiren felt Gusu Lan Sect’s future was bright once again.

It had been a month since Lan Xichen told him, with his voice faltering and ladened with grief and fury, about his decision to banish Lan Wangji from Cloud Recesses. The news had enraged him because Lan Qiren didn’t go through all the efforts of sending Lan Wangji letters and organising a banquet just to coax him to come home only to find out Lan Xichen had cast his brother away. Lan Qiren didn’t want their family to break up for something that could have been talked over.

But when Lan Xichen told him the whole story, the rage gave away to disbelief and then, to sorrow because he almost couldn't believe it. However, Lan Qiren knew better. He had seen the way Lan Wangji injured the 33 sect elders for Wei Wuxian; the way he had waged a war against the rest of the cultivation world at the Mount Burial, and how he had spent years mourning and searching for the man. All that was for the sake of his love for him. Oh yes, Lan Qiren had seen Lan Wangji's sheer bullheadedness. 

Back when he first took in his nephews, he had vowed to raise them properly. He had seen how his own older brother became so obsessed with his love that he had abandoned everything he had been taught: his responsibility, family and principles. Lan Qiren saw the obsession and he couldn’t understand it. How could his brother claim to love but at the same time was willing to seclude himself away from his family – from his own children? That day he had vowed to himself that his nephews would never follow their father's path.

Despite what people thought of him, Lan Qiren had never opposed of love; he only feared of the blinded one. And Lan Wangji was treading down the same path as his father once did. 

What a failure he was as his uncle.

"There's nothing we could do, Xichen." He had said wearily that day when Lan Xichen told him about Lan Wangji’s banishment. Sadness lined at the corner of his eyes as he sighed. "He has chosen his path and it is unfortunate that it is leading him away from us. Perhaps I am to be blamed for this. I don’t know whether I’ve indulged him too much or being too strict on him."

Lan Xichen quickly raised his head to look at his uncle. "Shufu! You've given up your youth and your chance of happiness for us. You’ve raised us up even when we weren't your responsibility. How are you to blame?" 

"Watching both of you grew up to become such capable cultivators is my happiness," Lan Qiren said gently. “I never regret anything when it came to me deciding to raise you.”

Lan Xichen closed his eyes; his face was pale. “It was me who should be blamed. I never learned to say no to him. Everything Wangji had ever wanted, I tried to support him. I took over any sect responsibility from him just so he could do whatever he wanted to do in his life. He was revered and praised all his life and I- I enabled him. It is no wonder he could say all those things about Jiang Wanyin.”

"I wish- I wish I were still in ignorance. I wish I were still blinded to Wangji's flaws. But when I heard him saying that we are above Jiang Wanyin and that he isn't worth of being loved, the arrogance, the vindictiveness and the hatred he showed to me...” Lan Xichen clenched his fists tightly, anger reignited at the remembrance. “…I couldn't remain silent anymore, Shufu. I maybe thirty years too late, but no more…"

At the sight of unshed tears in Lan Xichen’s eyes, Lan Qiren quickly reached out to pull his nephew into his arms. Lan Xichen was stunned momentarily at his uncle’s rare display of physical affection but he quickly melted into his uncle’s embrace – the only father figure he had ever known in his life. Lan Xichen was so much taller than when the last time Lan Qiren had him his arms as an adolescence teenager. In fact, he was taller than him now, but Lan Qiren still felt the same overflowing fondness and love for him, just like the first time Lan Xichen was put in his arms years ago.

He tightened his grip on Lan Xichen. Whatever sorrow that Lan Qiren felt, he knew it must have been a hundred times worse for Lan Xichen. They were  the Twin Jades, after all. Softly, he whispered, "Lan Wangji has chosen his path. Whether the path will eventually lead back to us remains to be seen. I can only pray to the heavens that you don't have to wait for a lifetime for him, just as I had waited in vain for my brother."

"So, for now, all we could do is go on with our lives." He patted Lan Xichen's back.

And so, Lan Xichen threw himself into the works. He organised nighthunts to help the townspeople. He strengthened relationship with their alliances. He had even worked to reopen Cloud Recesses for the sects and clans tovsend their heirs for further education in hope that Gusu Lan Sect’s tarnished reputation could be restored. And he did all that with bright smiles, kind face and impeccable conducts. Lan Qiren watched his nephew with a deep sense of pride and love.

Today, the sect and clan leaders were flocking into Cloud Recesses to ensure that their children had reserved a spot for the upcoming 6-month education. Even though Cloud Recesses’ reputation suffered from Lan Xichen’s close relationship with Lianfang-zun, the fact that Zewu-Jun was going around helping the townspeople and reaffirming his sect’s relationship with his neighbouring sects and clans was slowly reinstating Gusu Lan Sect’s position as one of four prominent sects. As a result, dozens of reservations had already been accepted, which was an encouraging number in Lan Qiren’s opinion.

They had been busy all morning and Lan Qiren finally managed to find time for a break.

He found refuge in one of the guest rooms because it was closer to the reception hall should he was needed. He was leisurely enjoying the tea in his hands when suddenly, he heard muted footsteps outside his room. There were two sets of footsteps and listening to the hasty steps from one set of foot, Lan Qiren deduced the person was trying to chase after the first person without trying to break Gusu Lan Sect’s rule. At first, Lan Qiren planned to ignore the conversation but at the first listen of a familiar voice, the cup was halted half-way.

"Zewu-Jun! Please wait for me for a moment.”

It was Jiang Wanyin, Lan Qiren realised.

When Cloud Recesses announced that they were re-opening their sect for six-month academy program for the sects and clans’ heirs, Jiang Wanyin had been the first to reply, offering Jin Rulan as student. Lan Qiren knew why. The elders of Lanling Jin Sect were doubting Jin Rulan’s ability to take over the sect and Jiang Wanyin was taking every opportunity available to make sure Jin Rulan would inherit his legacy. Lan Qiren had heard the infamous scene where Jiang Wanyin had barged into Jinlin Tai with Zidian crackling to life before the usurpers could do their deeds.

Lan Qiren might not agree with Jiang Wanyin’s temper but considering the hell that both of them had gone through that night at Guanyin Temple, even he could understand Jiang Wanyin’s reactions. Now that his temper had cooled down a bit, Jiang Wanyin wisely decided to equip Jin Rulan with knowledge and to hone that young man’s skills, so Jin Rulan’s position would remain indisputable. Sending Jin Rulan to Cloud Recesses for further education cemented Jin Rulan’s identity as an heir of Jinlin Tai as it was practiced by almost all sects and clans in the cultivation world.

On a personal level, Lan Qiren had always liked the ever practical, forthright Jiang Wanyin. And ever since he found out that it was Jiang Wanyin who had persuaded Lan Wangji to come home for Lan Xichen – despite their long-standing animosity, Lan Qiren’s affection to the young man increased dramatically. If Jiang Wanyin could somehow overcome Lan Wangji’s stubbornness, then, perhaps, that man was indeed a force to be reckoned with.

”Is it true what Jin Ling told me? That you have told Hanguang-Jun to leave Cloud Recesses?" There was a slight awe in Jiang Wanyin’s tone, but Lan Qiren understood it very well. For a pair of siblings to be called the Twin Jades and to hear Lan Xichen cast his brother away, the news seemed so unlikely.

"It’s true, Jiang Wanyin." Lan Xichen said.

There was a hesitating pause before Jiang Wanyin asked slowly, "Would it be presumptuous of me if I asked for the reason why?" Lan Qiren could hear worry in his tone. He wondered about that because why would that man be worried at all?

Lan Xichen must have heard it too. "Wanyin, why does it concern you? And here I was under the assumption that both of you have unamiable relationship. Have you somehow found a common ground?" Lan Xichen asked teasingly. 

Lan Qiren couldn't help a small smile forming at the light-hearted tone in Lan Xichen’s voice – so different from the grief-ladened one from a month ago. It was obvious that being busy did wonder to Lan Xichen's well-being as he was slowly regaining his own gentle humour and it showed in this conversation. Or it could just be because he was talking to Jiang Wanyin. Lan Qiren knew how fond Lan Xichen was to his friend.

"I'm not- We weren't-" Jiang Wanyin was flustered. Lan Qiren could feel his own fondness increased as well.

Then, he tried again. "Zewu-Ju, I ask because I want to understand how did it change from you exiting seclusion because of Hanguang-Jun to you banishing him?"

"Jiang Wanyin," Lan Xichen spoke up gently. "How did you know Wangji wasn't home when I first started my seclusion?"

Lan Qiren held his breath, too, in waiting. Jiang Wanyin had never come forward to tell any of them about his own part in persuading Lan Wangji to come home. All they had was a reluctant confirmation from Lan Wangji and Lan Qiren knew Lan Xichen was deeply curious about it. So, this was Lan Xichen trying to make Jiang Wanyin tell his side of the story.

There was a long pause on Jiang Wanyin's side. Lan Qiren did not need to see it; he could imagine the way his eyes wide in surprise like a startled rabbit. Twenty years of seeing the young man fumbling and feeling his way as the Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader, Jiang Wanyin remained the most honestly expressive person he had ever met. There wasn’t a single bone of deceit in his body.

"Jin Ling told me?" Jiang Wanyin prevaricated but uncertainty in his tone was unmistakable.

Lan Qiren's lips stretched wide in amusement. Even his tone of voice was honest.

Lan Xichen chuckled softly, "I don't think that’s true, Jiang Wanyin." Apparently, Lan Xichen didn't believe him either, judging by his indulging tone.

There was an unpretty scoff coming from Jiang Wanyin. "Why does it matter how I knew?!" Ah, here came the inevitable temper, Lan Qiren thought.

"It matters if you're the reason he suddenly remembers that he has a brother in need." Lan Xichen said in matter-of-fact tone. Xichen could be quite tactless sometimes, Lan Qiren thought as he shook his head.

The silence followed only confirmed Lan Xichen's words. Maybe Jiang Wanyin was surprised because the anger in his tone disappeared. "Zewu-Jun…” He asked hesitantly. “Did- did you banish Hanguang-Jun because he wasn’t home after that night in Guanyin Temple?"

Jiang Wanyin could be quite perceptive to other people’s mood (not that it mattered to the short-tempered man) and yet, he could also be so wrong to guess the reason behind such mood. Lan Qiren knew that Lan Xichen's devotion to his family was deep and couldn't easily be swayed by petty reasons like that. Lan Wangji could never come to see him at all in seclusion and Lan Xichen would still forgive him.

There were many things about his family that Lan Xichen was willing to overlook: his father’s abandonment, his mother’s absence and his younger brother’s selfishness. But even the gentlest man had his own limit. Lan Qiren knew that his nephew’s uncrossable line was seeing anybody putting down other people. Why else had he defended Meng Yao so strongly before?

What Lan Wangji had said that night was the last straw for Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen gave a self-deprecating chuckle. "Oh, I wish it was just that because then, I would still be able to look away. However, that is not the reason why I banish him away."

Another long pause fell between them. Lan Qiren wondered what expression passed through Jiang Wanyin’s face this time. Was the man frustrated at Lan Xichen’s cryptic answer? Was he confused? Or did Jiang Wanyin somehow understand Lan Xichen’s unspoken feelings and there was a sympathy on his face.

Then, Lan Qiren heard a soft shuffle of feet moving and Jiang Wanyin's voice sounded a bit louder – a bit closer to the door, a bit closer to Lan Xichen. His voice was dropped low, almost inaudible to Lan Qiren’s ears. "Do you remember what you said to me the other day? You said that you would have tried to assist me with my grief sooner if you could. Well, our friendship works both ways. I'm here for you, Zewu-Jun, if you need me to tell me something or to help you with anything."

Lan Xichen inhaled softly; obviously touched at Jiang Wanyin’s offer. Lan Qiren, too. "Wanyin, I do not deserve you."

It was Jiang Wanyin's turn to chuckle humourlessly. "Considering who our brothers are, I would say we deserve each other."

Lan Qiren grinned; Jiang Wanyin was both honest and sassy. He didn't think he could like that boy even more than he already did but clearly, he was wrong. His nephew apparently agreed with him because Lan Qiren could hear him laugh softly.

When Lan Xichen spoke up next, Lan Qiren’s eyebrows rose in wonder at the unbelievable affection in Lan Xichen’s voice as he finally answered Jiang Wanyin’s original question. He had never heard Lan Xichen sounded like that to anyone. Not even to Jin Guangyao or Nie Mingjue. Had Lan Xichen always talked to Jiang Wanyin like that? Because if he did, Lan Qiren pondered how he had never realised it before.

"Lan Wangji told me that he wanted to be on the road with Wei Wuxian just after two months I ended my seclusion. You see Wanyin, I didn’t know he wasn’t in Cloud Recesses initially and so, when I did know eventually, I was hurt from the knowledge that he had to be persuaded to come home- to come and see me, his only brother. But still I kept it in because how I could ever resent his happiness. And then he told me that Wei Wuxian was restless from being stationary in the sect and he wanted to be on their way – like I didn’t matter at all to him. I supposed I had lost all my patience to try to be understanding anymore."

There was a heavy sigh heard through the paper-thin door. "I told him that I knew someone must have asked him to come home and I demanded to know who that was. He prevaricated initially and then, when he realised that I knew it was you, he had the nerve to belittle you when he had no right to do so. Not when he doesn't take the effort to know you beyond the animosity.”

Lan Qiren's heart constricted to hear deep hurt in Lan Xichen's voice and for the countless times, he wondered how could Lan Wangji do this to Lan Xichen. The lengthy pause followed almost made Lan Qiren leave his seat and peek outside. He wanted to see how Jiang Wanyin reacted to that. 

“Are you saying you cast Hanguang-Jun out because he belittled me?” Jiang Wanyin sounded shock. “Lan Xichen! Hanguang-Jun and I never did get along well. Of course he doesn’t have good impression about me, as I did with him. You know that! So, why would you still do that?!” The stark disbelief in his voice told Lan Qiren how seldom Jiang Wanyin had people defending him and it made his heart ached in sadness. Now he understood it when Lan Xichen said he was worried for Jiang Wanyin all the time – Jiang Wanyin indeed had always been alone.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Lan Xichen challenged. “He doesn’t know what we, the sect leaders, went through since the Sunshot Campaign – what you went through? He doesn’t have any right to talk down to you when he has spent sixteen years escaping the sect responsibilities, which I regretfully admit, was due to my spoiling. For me, at least I have Shufu, the elders and a still-standing sect. But you did it all on your own. He didn’t know how I see you, Wanyin.”

“And how, exactly did you see me, Zewu-Jun?” Jiang Wanyin snapped, temper high and bright, as if he was bracing himself for something bad.

Tread carefully, Xichen. Lan Qiren thought as he held on to his breath. He knew one wrong answer would get the defensive man to turn around and walk away.

Suddenly, there was a thumping sound at the door – at his door, that the wooden frame trembled slightly. Then, he heard Jiang Wanyin gasp in surprise. It took a split second of confusion before Lan Qiren understood what was happening. Oh heavens! He thought scandalously as his eyes went wide.

Did Lan Xichen just crowd Jiang Wanyin up against the door? In the middle of the public hallway?!

How shameless was his nephew?!

Oblivious to the affronted uncle listening on the side of the door, Lan Xichen’s voice dropped low and purposeful. “I see you as someone so resilient and reassuringly constant. A courageous being, who is so surefooted in his conviction that nothing could ever sway him once he has made up his mind. The whole world may be against you, talk bad behind your back, ridiculing your achievements, but you, are ever the unshakeable mountain.”

Lan Qiren’s mouth dropped. Lan Xichen’s words and the stark yearning in his voice were so unexpected. He had never seen this side of Lan Xichen before – passionate, intense and persistent.

“Jin Guangyao had me questioning my own self. My world is no longer black and white; it’s now grey and chaotic. I’ve lost my footing on the solid ground and now, I’m unsure of my chosen paths. So, in my uncertainty, I look to you and to your strength." Lan Xichen whispered.

"Jiang Wanyin, you ask me how I see you.” 

Jiang Wanyin’s sharp inhale of breath was audible.

“It’s simple. I see you as my north star.”

Lan Qiren put down the cup in dazed manner as realisation hit him. What was he thinking? Sworn brothers? Lan Xichen should have taken Jiang Wanyin as his cultivation partner!

Chapter Text

“You knew.” Jiang Wanyin whispered in panicked realisation. “Hanguang-Jun told you.”

Lan Xichen stared down at Jiang Wanyin’s wide violet eyes, who was still trapped between his arms. “Yes," he said softly.

“And now suddenly you, what? Admiring me?” Jiang Wanyin snapped; humiliation began to grow. This was what he was dreading: Lan Xichen pitying his crush and now, he was trying to cater to Jiang Wanyin’s wants because that was who Zewu-Jun was: so inherently kind and unfairly good for him. Pride burned hotly within him. He was used to be unloved, but he would be damned if he ever allowed himself to be pitied. “Seventeen years we knew each other and not once have you considered me as anything else than a simple friend!”

The temper display in front of him didn’t scare Lan Xichen at all. He knew Jiang Wanyin often used his anger to hide his real emotions. “You are anything but an ordinary friend to me, Wanyin.” A small smile appeared on his face as waves of affection grew, making his heart ache with such an unexpected sweetness. Lan Xichen wanted to see where this road led him.

“I was there, Zewu-Jun,” Jiang Wanyin sneered. “You were fully invested in Venerated Triad. I was just a friend you went to when you got tired playing an arbitrator between Jin Guangyao and Nie Mingjue. Don’t make it as if we were more than that.”

This was the infamous Sandu Shengshou, appearing to protect the Jiang Wanyin within, especially when his heart was put into attention. The words were viciously cutting, although not entirely untrue, because Lan Xichen did find refuge from his brotherhood’s drama in Jiang Wanyin’s uncomplicated friendship. A lesser man would already either stomp away in anger or withdraw his sword demanding apology, which, in Lan Xichen’s experience, was rarely given by Sandu Shengshou.

But Lan Xichen was not an ordinary man. He was the man Jiang Wanyin wanted – desired -, so he was not above using this. He wanted to push Sandu Shengshou aside and to pull the warmth of Jiang Wanyin back up front.

“What you said is not true,” he said.

Jiang Wanyin scoffed, rolling his eyes in disbelief. “Are you saying you know me like you knew your sworn brothers?” Like I know you? Jiang Wanyin almost said it out loud but he didn’t.

Lan Xichen didn’t know it, but he had been watching the man for years. Jiang Wanyin had taken in even the most miniscule of details; like how Lan Xichen unusually preferred black tea than the green one, or the way he often flicked his flowing sleeves before reaching out anything on the table, or how his eyebrows dipped delicately whenever he stood in middle of Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao’s battle of words, still trying to keep his smile despite what he was feeling at the moment. Jiang Wanyin knew the attractive curve of Lan Xichen’s lips when he played Liebing and the silk-smooth movements when he wielded Shuoyue. His skin had also memorised the rare occasions when Lan Xichen had touched him: callous and yet, so, so gentle. And most of all, Jiang Wanyin knew how deep Lan Xichen’s affection ran for Lan-shifu, Hanguang-Jun and all of Gusu Lan Sect disciples. The man had so much love to give and a lot of kindness to share.

Falling in love with Zewu-Jun was as easy as breathing and as inevitable as the changing of the seasons. Ever since he had met Zewu-Jun at the age of fifteen, there wasn’t a time in Jiang Wanyin’s life when he didn’t admire the older man. So when the admiration turned to love, he wasn’t surprised at all. It felt like a natural progression in his life. Jiang Wanyin just woke up one morning and realised how much he adored this man, and on the same day, he was resigned to never have his love reciprocated because this love was just another one in his long list of unattainable loves.

To have Zewu-Jun’s affection was the one of the greatest gifts.

Hanguang-Jun was a fool to ever cast it away.

Jiang Wanyin would trade every silver nugget he owned to have an older brother who would care about him the way Lan Xichen did to his younger brother. How different his life would be to simply have a brother’s affection without dark clouds of misplaced debt-paying, unneeded gratitude and poisonous competitions between them? If Wei Wuxian would simply love for who Jiang Wanyin was and not for whom Wei Wuxian owed to, then maybe they would not be as fractured as they were right now.

“If I said that I do know you, what would you say, Jiang Wanyin?” Lan Xichen countered.

An unattractive scoff burst out of Jiang Wanyin’s mouth. “Then, I’d say it’s unlikely because I know the truth.”

Lan Xichen looked thoughtful. “Then, since you think our friendship is one-sided, which is heavily tipped to your side, ask me anything about you that you think I didn’t know.” Even though Lan Xichen still didn’t know whether he felt the same was as what Jiang Wanyin felt for him, he knew for certain how fond he was to the younger man. He cared for him, worried for him and sympathised him. Surely that counted, too?

Jiang Wanyin narrowed his eyes. He didn’t know where Lan Xichen was going with this. “What do you mean?”

“I’m going to prove to you that I know a lot more about you than you think I do.” Lan Xichen smiled gently. “-that I definitely do not regard you as a common acquaintance.”  

Jiang Wanyin could feel blood rushed to his cheeks, making it warm and indubitably red, at the utter softness he saw in Lan Xichen’s eyes. His heart thumped a beat faster as his attraction towards this man began to engulf him. Flustered, he lowered his eyelids so his sight no longer on that unearthly beautiful face but rested somewhere on Lan Xichen’s neck.

“Alright. When did I gain partial custody of Jin Ling?” He challenged, desperate to regain the ground under his feet. Jin Ling was a topic he held so closely to his heart; no one should know about this because he'd never told anyone. Everyone assumed Jin Ling’s full guardianship was with Lanling Jin Sect and Jiang Wanyin only took his nephew out every so often.

Inwardly, Lan Xichen grinned because he could tell a lot about Jiang Wanyin and Jin Ling. It was one of his most favourite things to watch and to learn about; only because how rarely the knowledge came to him. 

“You first came for Jin Ling in Lanling Jin Sect a week after the Battle of Nightless City,” Lan Xichen began. “You just buried your sister, just watched your shixiong die and you were so fresh from the grief as you pleaded Madam Jin to allow you to see him.” He was gratified to see shock on Jiang Wanyin’s face.

“You don’t remember? I was visiting Jin Guangyao at the time – the sect had suffered a huge blow of losing Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli in a matter of days, so, I was there to support him.”

Jiang Wanyin shook his head, stunned.

Lan Xichen’s voice turn soft with reminiscence of when all of them were still young. The memory of Jin Guangyao back when Lan Xichen still believed in him didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would; it was perhaps because the image of young Jiang Wanyin was more vivid than Jin Guangyao. “I saw you walk in. What struck me the most was the way you stepped into the room; still with your head held high and your eyes dried, even when you couldn’t hide the pain. You had just lost your sister and also, you had lost everyone; your family, your elders and your old sect; all because of a one man’s doings. I realised at that moment that I was so completely drawn towards the display of such strength from you. The world was drowning you down but you persisted because of the love you held for your parents’ sect and Jiang Yanli’s son.”

“As the months went by, I noticed that you kept a steady presence beside Jin Ling as you tried to come and see him once a week. At almost every time I came to Jinlin Tai, I would catch a glimpse of you in Jin Ling’s nursery or outside. Sometimes I saw you tickling him until he giggled, sometimes I saw you cradling him to sleep, but most of the time, I saw your sadness when you stared at your nephew. It invoked something in me – something that demanded me to erase all the sadness from your eyes.” 

Jiang Wanyin was speechless at Lan Xichen’s words. How could it be? Of all those times he spent time staring at Lan Xichen, how could he be blinded by Lan Xichen’s scrutiny of him too?

Lan Xichen continued, oblivious to the inner turmoil from the man in front of him. “Two years I’ve watched you bustling from Lotus Pier to Jinlin Tai, trying so hard to cater to both of your sect and your nephew. Then, one day, Jin Guangyao told me in an afterthought manner that you were struggling to split your time between travelling to Jinlin Tai and spending more time to stabilise your sect. You decided to ask for Madam Jin’s permission to allow you to bring Jin Ling back to Lotus Pier for summer and winter seasons. Jin Guangyao said you cited your sister’s heritage and how it would please her to know her son knew about it. But I know for a fact that Madam Jin had a hard time letting her grandson go.”

The haggard face of Madam Jin was something Jiang Wanyin could never forget. But he knew intimately the feeling of losing family members over a senseless tragedy that while it exasperated him when Madam Jin refused him, he could never begrudge her. He understood her grief. “I’ve forgotten how many times Madam Jin refused me.” Jiang Wanyin said hoarsely.

Impulsively Lan Xichen raised his hand and used the tips of his fingers to ghostly trace the dark shadow under the amethyst eyes. “I had figured it back then when I saw your frustrated face each time you mounted Sandu to head back Lotus Pier emptyhanded. So, I told Jin Guangyao, that I would owe him one if he pleaded your case on my behalf.”

“…what?” Jiang Wanyin whispered breathlessly. He was so, so stunned. He had always wondered back then why Madam Jin suddenly changed her mind. “Zewu-Jun… why would you do that for me?”

“I-” Lan Xichen halted because back then, he didn’t know. All that he knew, it was late afternoon when he stopped short in his walk as his eyes caught a flurry of dark purple robe marching down the white stairs of Jinlin Tai with thunder in his face, fire in his eyes and disappointed lines framing the pressed lips. He had greeted Jiang Wanyin when the younger man passed him at the stairs. Jiang Wanyin had tried to be cordial, but Lan Xichen’s heart ached so terribly when he saw defeated curve of Jiang Wanyin’s back; it was as if that day’s burden had been especially heavy to bear and Jiang Wanyin was almost reaching his breaking point.

Somehow the mere thought of Jiang Wanyin losing the strength and the perseverance that Lan Xichen had always admired caused fear to bloom within him. Lan Xichen didn’t want Jiang Wanyin to lose in this personal fight of his. As he watched Jiang Wanyin fly away, he quietly determined to talk to Jin Guangyao about Jiang Wanyin having Jin Ling’s partial guardianship.

But now, looking at Jiang Wanyin’s face seventeen years later, still with his astounding strength and resilience and vulnerability, Lan Xichen thought that maybe he did know the reason after all; the reason why Jiang Wanyin had always been one of his great concerns in his life. Lan Xichen tried once again, “Jiang Wanyin, that day I realised that the last time I saw you happy was when you were in Cloud Recesses, with young Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang. And then, the massacre of Lotus Pier happened, Wei Wuxian went missing, followed by the Sunshot campaign that took away the lasts of our innocent youths. The whole time I had never seen you smiled like you did in Cloud Recesses.”

Lan Xichen’s eyes followed the invisible line his fingers traced along the sharp cheekbones; the touch felt almost like a reverence to him. “Back then, there was nothing I could do to ease your pain, but that? That small thing of asking Jin Guangyao a favour? I could do it. I would gladly pay him anything just as long as he agreed. And it was worth to see your face light up when you walked out of Jinlin Tai with Jin Ling in your arms and a smile on your face.”

Jiang Wanyin was reeling from the revelation. “We were not even friends back then,” he breathed, shock was still in his voice.

The flushes on Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks and across the nose bridge were like an art Lan Xichen couldn’t take his eyes away from. Something asleep within him suddenly awakened. For the first time, – for once after seventeen years of worrying and caring for Jiang Wanyin – Lan Xichen finally saw Jiang Wanyin in an entirely new light. The lens of friendship was now replaced with a clearer one. How in the high heavens did Lan Xichen never realise just how beautiful Jiang Wanyin was? How had he never known amongst all people he met in his life, Jiang Wanyin’s soul shone the prettiest of all.

Lan Xichen inhaled sharply, light-headed at the revelation.

  -Oh-

The knowledge seeped so deeply in his own soul.

Now he knew why he was always drawn towards this man. Why he felt so keenly for Jiang Wanyin’s grief and why he tried so very hard to maintain a bond of friendship with him, even when the younger man was initially reluctant.

Even back then, Lan Xichen had wanted Jiang Wanyin. As a friend and as a lover. And most importantly as his life-long soulmate. A Lan loved only once and his heart had chosen Jiang Wanyin a long time ago. It was just waiting his brain to catch up.

“Jiang Wanyin, I’ve always admired you long before we took the first step towards our friendship. Your strength and perseverance were amazing to see. The whole world could slander your name, but you always knew which path to tread. And it was always the path that I knew I could follow.” 

He exhaled softly. “I meant it when I say that you’re my north star.”

“But, why now?” Jiang Wanyin asked, still wary to accept any of this. This wasn't what he had expected; he had expected his love to remain unaccepted. He had expected Lan Xichen to pity him and let him down gently, befitting to the kind Zewu-Jun. “Why did it take Hanguang-Jun for you to say anything?” 

Lan Xichen hesitated, not wanting to hurt Jiang Wanyin with his younger brother’s cruel words.

“Tell me what he said that changed your mind,” Jiang Wanyin demanded.

“He said that you are beneath me and that you’re unworthy of being loved.” Lan Xichen said slowly. The dissipating rage began to burn again; the memory of his unrepented brother, so assured of his own righteousness that he was blind to anyone and anything else except Wei Wuxian. “It struck me hard because I know that it’s not true. How could you be unworthy of love when I-“ Lan Xichen exhaled as he spoke out his conviction. “-when I had loved you, so unsuspectingly, for seventeen years?”

The confession took Jiang Wanyin by utter surprise that he reared his head back as he gasped so loudly; eyes wide and mouth dropped low. There was also a corresponding sound of faint thump and a soft gasp coming from inside the room behind them, but he was too shocked to care about the sounds.

“Ze- Zewu-Jun?” Jiang Wanyin croaked, fear and hope warred so painfully within him.

Now that he had spoken out his feeling out loud, Lan Xichen wondered why it took him this long to realise this when it was so astoundingly clear. Looking down to look at Jiang Wanyin’s face, Lan Xichen couldn’t imagine living a life without ever knowing this fiery, tempestuous man. Jiang Wanyin had showed him how to be strong; how to stand up again after falling down so deep into the black hole of betrayal; and how to never let life take away his ability to still be kind, to still trust and to still love. Even when his whole family had perished, Jiang Wanyin had stood up and reached out for Jin Ling.

Lan Xichen knew he could never, ever, let him go again. Jiang Wanyin was more than just his guiding star – by heavens, Lan Xichen wanted him as everything.

He raised both of his hands to cradle Jiang Wanyin’s jaw and neck and tilt Jiang Wanyin’s face to meet his. “Lan Wangji said you desired me for years, is that true?” He growled deeply. The thought of Jiang Wanyin wanting him, excited him. Love burned brightly in his heart. “He said you couldn’t keep your eyes off me during all the nighthunts that we attended together. He said you lusted after me.”

Flush of embarrassment and anger painted Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks at the words Hanguang-Jun used to describe his love to Lan Xichen. “Hanguang-Jun is an asshole,” he muttered sharply as he glared at the taller man. As if the man didn’t lust after Wei Wuxian too. Hypocrite, he thought angrily.

Lan Xichen blinked at the sudden curse before he threw his head back laughing. The affection in his heart felt so endless. “Yes, Wanyin, I just recently uncovered that too,” he said with a wide smile on his face. “But did he lie?”

He could lie and said yes. It would save him from future heartaches. But one look at Lan Xichen’s handsome face, Jiang Wanyin couldn’t deny his heart any longer. Seventeen years were a long wait. And now, he wanted to take this chance and see where the road will lead him. It took a few moments before Jiang Wanyin could spit out embarrassingly, “No, he didn’t,” and the redness deepened. 

Lan Xichen's smile softened. He savoured the way this man made him feel. A year ago, he was suffocating by the weight of Jin Guangyao’s betrayal. A month ago, he was drowning in sorrow for his wayward brother. Now, he felt as if the sun shone on him finally after days of heavy raining.

He wanted to keep this feeling within him forever.

“Can I kiss you now?” He murmured; his thumb traced the corner of Jiang Wanyin’s lips – soft and inviting. He would cherish this man always. 

Jiang Wanyin shivered at the deep voice. He opened his mouth to assent to the request but before he could, the door behind him suddenly shook lightly. Then, it was followed by three loud knocks and a muffled, scandalised voice from inside the room.

“Not until you officially court him first!”

Chapter Text

“Are you sure about this, Zewu-Jun?” Jiang Wanyin said as he stared at the marriage proposal in front of him doubtfully. “This seems like a lot more concessions than I expected. Are you sure you want to reduce tariff on Gusu’s linen and silk trades between us that low?”

Lan Xichen smiled indulgently. “Why not? You reduced your lotus trades and Yunmeng spices tariff for us too.”

Jiang Wanyin raised his eyebrows and said dryly. “You speak as if people of Gusu Lan Sect cared about spices.”

“You wound me, Sect Leader Jiang. Is this you, passive-aggressively trying to say our food is bland to your taste?”

“Not passive-aggressive. The whole cultivation world knows the only spice you use is salt. Even then, it is used sparingly.” 

Lan Xichen grinned. “Well, you speak as if you’re not marrying into our sect.”

Jiang Wanyin huffed out a chuckle at the way his words were thrown back at him. “Nicely done, Zewu-Jun.” Then he raised his chin up challengingly. “You’re marrying in our sect as well and Yunmeng Jiang is known for spicy dishes. You better prepare your tongue.”

Lan Xichen knew it was unintentional, but he couldn’t help imagining how he should prepare his tongue for other things that mattered more. The dark amber eyes automatically focused on Jiang Wanyin’s pink lips and he wondered whether he should take this opportunity to taste Jiang Wanyin’s tongue , instead. Because what a crime it was for him to have never kissed Jiang Wanyin.

Shufu was such a stickler for rules, Lan Xichen lamented. What would be the difference if he kissed Jiang Wanyin now or after the wedding? He had already decided Jiang Wanyin was his lifelong cultivation partner. He was certain nothing could ever change his mind.

“Lan Xichen! I didn’t mean it that way!” Jiang Wanyin snapped; his cheeks bloomed red at how intense his betrothed was looking at his mouth.

Hot rush travelled down from his heart to groin at the display of bashful, beautiful man in front of him. From the way how flustered Jiang Wanyin was at the slightest sexual innuendo got Lan Xichen to think that his chosen cultivation partner had perhaps minimal experience in anything relating to courtship or relationship. Did it mean, Jiang Wanyin had never attempted to even experience them? The thought of short-tempered Sandu Shengshou whose words that could render the lesser men to tears as innocent was too much for Lan Xichen to bear.

This would be the longest six months ever.

“I still think this agreement is a bit too much on your side.” Jiang Wanyin muttered. “Not only are you revising the tariff, but you’re also bequeathing the Gusu Lan Sect’s southern land to Yunmeng Jiang for agriculture purposes. Are you sure you’re not accepting any rental payment from us? Once the crop yields, the income from the land will be considerable.”

“It’s my gift for you, Wanyin.” Lan Xichen smiled gently. “As a thank you for agreeing to marry me. Nothing is ever too much for you.”

“Oh, I assure you, my hand in marriage is still there even if you gave me less than this,” Jiang Wanyin smiled half-jokingly. 

He still couldn’t believe how much Lan Xichen was willing to give, because he knew just how much he was worth. All his life, Jiang Wanyin had been told, either by words or gestures, how he was beneath Wei Wuxian and how he couldn’t measure up to be the true Yunmeng Jiang Sect heir. He worked so hard for years and yet was met with futility because nothing he achieved was worth celebrating by his family. If his own family couldn’t see him, then, perhaps he really didn’t have anything worthy to be seen.

To have Lan Xichen amiable to his feelings was a miracle on its own. So, Jiang Wanyin would accept it, however it was given.

Lan Xichen pressed his lips in a mixture of thoughtfulness and exasperation. It was deeply saddening to see how damaged Jiang Wanyin was. Words had been cruel to him for years and now, Jiang Wanyin believed himself to be unlovable. Lan Xichen ached at this small glimpse of a boy, who had been attention and affection-starved for years and years.

With his voice low and ladened with love, he said. “Do you know, Wanyin, how much I want this? With you?”

The sudden change in atmosphere got Jiang Wanyin to snap his eyes to Lan Xichen.

“I may realise my feelings for you recently, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t love you for as long as you did. Back then, I always wanted to make you happy even for the briefest time; whether it be Jin Ling’s custody or advising you with sect affairs, I just wanted to see you smile.” Lan Xichen put out his hand to softly touch Jiang Wanyin’s cheek reverently. “Now I know why…”

Jiang Wanyin couldn’t help his cheeks to stop burning in self-consciousness, unused to such attention from anybody, let alone from a person whom he had loved for so long. Sometimes, he still couldn’t believe he was here at this moment in his life.

The thing was, Lan Xichen was correct in his assessment. Jiang Wanyin did think he loved Lan Xichen more than he was being loved, and he was okay with it all because he was used to one-sided love. The fact that Lan Xichen wanted to be with him was enough. However, he could never voice his mind.

“You’re embarrassing,” he scoffed instead, trying to hide away his vulnerability using his barbs.

Lan Xichen’s smile grew even softer in deep affection. “Well, get used to it. I have twenty years of sappy words to make up the times I spent in obliviousness.”

This man was so ridiculous, Jiang Wanyin thought in mortification but he couldn’t deny the way his own heart quickened at the glimpse of the future with Lan Xichen.

* * * * * *

Jiang Wanyin tried to keep his mouth shut. He really did. Lan Xichen had been a sect leader for a longer period than him and he was more than capable. Not only Jiang Wanyin had always witnessed these things happen before, but he also had no problem keeping his mouth shut .

So, why today did he feel like his patience was frayed and on the edge of being snapped? Was it because now Lan Xichen was no longer an unattainable fantasy? Was it because Jiang Wanyin had always felt protective over the few numbers of people he called as his own?

They were currently sitting in another cultivation conference, Jiang Wanyin curled his hands into fists, eyebrows dipped into simmering anger and his jaw gritted as he watched the new Sect Leader Su from Moling Su Sect was impudently arguing with the current host of the cultivation conference.

“Sect Leader Su,” Lan Xichen said with calm voice and boundless patience. “As I said again, Gusu Lan Sect will not steer our trading routes to go into your sect borders, just so you can skim on your trading expenses. We already have our own merchants and agreements with the people in our current trading routes. Furthermore, the route that you suggested would mean further distance for the merchants to cover, which will cause the timing of the trading to be disrupted. If you want to join the trades, you would have to come to the merchants instead.”

“You can’t simply dismiss our requests just because you are from a bigger sect and we are inconveniencing you. Do you plan to monopolise the trading activities, Sect Leader Lan? Crushing other smaller sects, flexing your power over us?! You will find Moling Su Sect is not easily intimidated!”

“Please do not put words in my mouth.” Lan Xichen’s gentle face was slightly hardened, but still patient. “Gusu Lan Sect has never abused our position.”

Jiang Wanyin could have pulled his own hair in frustration, wanting so badly to repudiate Sect Leader Su. But was it even allowed for him to interfere when clearly the argument was between Gusu Lan Sect and Moling Su Sect? Under what basis Yunmeng Jiang Sect had to weigh in? Just because he thought Lan Xichen was his to defend? Lan Xichen was only his betrothed. They just signed an agreement two weeks before and had yet to make any announcement. Did Lan Xichen even want himself to be defended?

Jiang Wanyin mulled silently as Sect Leader Su continued his rants.

“Oh? Everybody knows how Gusu Lan Sect treats their peripheral disciples. Teaching incomplete cultivation arts and hiding knowledge just because they didn’t have enough family blood within them. Wouldn’t you consider that as an abuse to your disciples?”

Lan Xichen frowned. “Such has been our tradition since the late Sect Leader Lan An. Some cultivation techniques are inherited within the circle of our family. But it didn’t mean we abandoned our peripheral disciples.”

Oh, Lan Xichen. Jiang Wanyin thought in dismay. Don’t encourage him! Stay on the issue of trading routes. Lan Xichen was always too kind and polite for his own good.

Sect Leader Su seized the opportunity. “Such hypocrisy! No wonder our former Moling Su Sect leader founded our sect. How else could he object to such double-standard treatments from Gusu Lan Sect!”

Lan Xichen’s lips pressed in an effort to rein his temper and Jiang Wanyin had seen enough. Whatever repercussions from Lan Xichen for him overstepping his boundary, he would accept it. But he would never allow such disgrace to fall upon Lan Xichen.

“Sect Leader Su,” Jiang Wanyin growled. “You are going off tangent with your discussion. Are you really concerned about the trading route or are you just looking for an excuse to dump on Sect Leader Lan?”

The cultivators in the room went silent and all wide-eyed at the unexpected icy rebuke from Sandu Shengshou. Sect Leader Su turned around to stare contemptuously at Jiang Wanyin.

Jiang Wanyin sneered. “I’m tired of listening to this pointless demand of yours. Why should hundreds of Gusu merchants change their routes just to suit your whiny complaints? You can’t seem to accept Sect Leader Lan’s explanation and now you’re accusing the host of this conference for irrelevant things!”

“Sect Leader Jiang, this is not your concern!” Sect Leader Su barked.

“When you’re wasting my time and making me listen to these vapid words vomit of yours, I’m making this my concern,” Jiang Wanyin scoffed. “Accept Sect Leader Lan’s explanation and deal with it within your so-called ‘smaller sect’!”

The wrath rolling from Sect Leader Su was met with Jiang Wanyin’s challenging stare. All the while Lan Xichen blinked at the heated exchange as the realisation came hammering his head.

Jiang Wanyin was defending him.

No one had ever come for him because all his life, he was the one that people depended on.

Oh, the feeling to be the one of the few precious people Jiang Wanyin fiercely loved was surreal; the feeling was deliciously exquisite that Lan Xichen could feed on this for the rest of his life.

And most of all, the feeling when one was loved and protected by Jiang Wanyin, was healing.

* * * * * *

In both Lotus Pier and Cloud Recesses, the people were busy with their sect leaders’ marriage, which would be held first in the mountains of Cloud Recesses and then, the wedding banquet to be held by the lakes of Lotus Pier. Lan Qiren had been insistent about the hasty wedding. Now he knew how shameless Lan Xichen was (the audacity of Lan Xichen to push Jiang Wanyin to the wall in the public hallway, while asking permission to kiss him would forever tainted Lan Qiren’s perception of the esteemed Zewu-Jun’s reputation), Lan Qiren didn’t believe Lan Xichen to keep his hands off Jiang Wanyin in some dark corners of Cloud Recesses or Lotus Pier.

He began making the wedding preparations as his own business. Using his formidable reputation and influence, he made sure all of the Gusu Lan Sect elders agree with this marriage and he also made sure the wedding that would be held in Cloud Recesses would befit Jiang Wanyin’s status as a leader of a main sect. The elders of Gusu Lan Sect could only nod their head, stunned frozen, as the Lan-Shifu listed down all the things that would benefit both sects from this union.

It wasn’t just the elders. Lan Xichen was also left agape in bewilderment to see his uncle – his stern, no-nonsense uncle – argued with the head seamstress about the best colours suited for the banquet hall and how the courtyard should be decorated. He also insisted Lan Xichen to prepare the bridal gifts in response to Jiang Wanyin’s dowry, stating that both of them were men and none of them was leaving their sect so the tradition didn’t matter. The way Shufu peered over his shoulder to look on the list of gifts, while giving Lan Xichen his disappointing stares for each gift he deemed inferior was almost comical if it weren’t for the fact Lan Xichen was actually intimidated by his uncle that he quickly crossed off the items and replaced them with the more expensive gifts.

Lan Xichen began to realise how seriously Shufu took this marriage. The older man was really getting into this whole marriage ceremony judging by the way he critically eyed each of the details. From the decorations to the gifts and to the foods to be served. The pinnacle of Lan Xichen’s shock was when Lan Qiren pulled him aside to ask him about all of Jiang Wanyin’s favourite food and drink and proceeded to order crates of lotus-infused rice wine all the way from Yunmeng. His weak response of ‘wouldn’t black tea be more appropriate?’ had Lan Qiren’s glare burning into Lan Xichen.

“Do you want Sect Leader Jiang to think he isn’t wanted or invited to be part of our family if you gave him such a lukewarm reception and bland wedding ceremony?” Lan Qiren had retorted so vehemently and proceeded to add a few more spicy dishes in the menu.

Lan Xichen could only blink wordlessly. Shufu? Ordering alcohol ? Would he ever cease to be shocked by the way Jiang Wanyin changed everything and everyone around him? From Lan Wangji to Lan Qiren, Jiang Wanyin had a way of making his presence unforgettable.

And would Lan Xichen ever stop being so deeply charmed by him? Oh heaven… he fervently hoped not. Now that he finally saw him, Lan Xichen was willing to be charmed by Jiang Wanyin’s bewitchment until the day he died.

Two days before the wedding, Lan Xichen flew to Lotus Pier with Lan Qiren’s reminder to not do anything inappropriate. Lan Xichen grinned sheepishly at his uncle’s skeptical face. He knew Lan Xichen could scarcely keep his hands off Jiang Wanyin whenever they were together, so, why would he even bother reminding him?

He caught Jiang Wanyin in his room with his hair half-undone with his face deeply annoyed. The way that midnight-coloured hair curled around his heart-shaped face was so adorable that Lan Xichen was bolted to the floor, stunned at the unprecedented sight.

When Jiang Wanyin saw Lan Xichen, he appeared self-conscious at his state of undone. “The wedding planner wanted me to try different headpieces to wear at our wedding ceremony. I never knew how elaborate some are and how heavy they felt.”

Lan Xichen couldn’t tear his eyes off the curls. The way they only curled around the face while the rest of his midnight fell down to his waist like finest silks made Lan Xichen itch to run his fingers through it all. Apparently, years of braiding the sides of his hair had kept Jiang Wanyin’s hair in perpetual waves… and it was so unearthly beautiful for someone with a reputation as ferocious as Sandu Shengshou.

“Zewu-Jun, what’s wrong?” Jiang Wanyin asked worriedly at Lan Xichen’s continued silence and he quickly walked toward him as his hands were raised up to pull his hair back into the usual tight bun.

The loss of the loose curls snapped Lan Xichen from his trance and quickly he smiled. “Wanyin… how many times do I have to convince you to call me Huan-ge?” He teased.

His betrothed face quickly burned red. “We agreed on Xichen-ge! Not Huan-ge!” Jiang Wanyin retorted.

“Ah... so you remember our conversation!” Lan Xichen grinned. “Then, what’s up with you still calling me Zewu-Jun, hm?”

Jiang Wanyin blinked, blindsided as always whenever he saw Lan Xichen’s unexpected playfulness. All the years Jiang Wanyin had watched this man, he had never seen this side of him. He never even dreamed it existed at all. Each new side he uncovered about this man; his love deepened. He realised that all those years he was watching, he was just scratching the surface – the part Lan Xichen allowed the world to see, the ever gracious and kind Zewu-Jun.

Now Lan Xichen was allowing Jiang Wanyin to see the deeper part of him – the vulnerability, the playfulness and the untapped passion underneath the calm façade.

Jiang Wanyin swallowed the enormity of his feelings down as he looked up at his future husband as he carved up a soft, sweet smile for Lan Xichen to see. He wanted Lan Xichen to see the hidden side of him as well because Jiang Wanyin was tired of hiding what he felt for this man.

He loved Lan Xichen so much that it was hard to breathe sometimes. And he needed Lan Xichen to know just how much he loved him.

“Let me call you Zewu-Jun just once more,” Jiang Wanyin said softly. “Before I spent the rest of my life calling you Xichen-ge .”

The playfulness on Lan Xichen’s face disappeared as he stared in awestruck at an unseen smile that graced Jiang Wanyin’s face. The smile melted the harshness at the corner of those almond eyes and those pink lips. The cold amethyst eyes softened with emotions and Lan Xichen saw the love Jiang Wanyin had held back for years and years.

This rare smile was for him – he realised as he stood stunned.

This tentative display of happiness was for him. 

Only for him.

Lan Xichen smiled back as he reached out to hold Jiang Wanyin’s hand and tightened his grip. “It is the rest of our lives, my heart.” He reminded gently. “For I want to keep calling you my Wanyin until I drew my last breath too.”

Chapter Text

Five years ago Lan Wangji had stormed out of the Hanshi with fire of the self-righteous rage burning hotly in his heart; solely fuelled by Lan Xichen’s unexpected choice to defend Jiang Wanyin over his own brother. The sting from the slap on his face had throbbed, but it wasn’t as painful as the way his own heart ached at the realisation Lan Xichen was no longer his biggest champion and that Lan Xichen had chosen Jiang Wanyin , of all people.

If it were anybody else, Lan Wangji knew he wouldn’t be this angry. But Jiang Wanyin? The person who had wronged and abandoned his cultivation partner for years? The person who had been so ungrateful despite knowing the enormity of Wei Ying’s sacrifice for him? The person who had been hunting and supposedly tortured demonic cultivators because he feared for Wei Ying’s return? That was the man Lan Xichen chose to defend? And Lan Xichen wanted him to regain his righteousness when it was Lan Xichen who had seemed to lose his?

The audacity of it all! He fumed.

He had barged into Jingshi immediately after that, startling Wei Wuxian who was fiddling with a talisman. The anger caused him unable to say a word at all and Wei Wuxian, who was always sensitive of his mood, began his incessant questions of ‘why are you packing our clothes?’ , ‘what happened at Hanshi?’ and ‘where are we going in such a hurry?’ . However they all remained unanswered. He didn’t trust himself to not lash at his partner in his rage.

Lan Wangji had left Cloud Recesses that very night, without even trying to see Shufu first, and he didn’t look back even once.

It took a month after leaving Cloud Recesses for Lan Wangji to be able to tell what had occurred without wanting to destroy something. They were walking along the road with Little Apple trotted behind him, nuzzling into Wei Wuxian for apples or carrots. Wei Wuxian asked once again what happened that night and to his surprise, Lan Wangji finally answered. The taller man told everything, from that day when Jiang Wanyin came to him, to that very night when Lan Xichen defended Jiang Wanyin despite knowing Jiang Wanyin’s despicable crush on himself.

“Wait- Jiang Cheng likes Zewu-Jun?” Wei Wuxian echoed, eyes wide and all. “Are you sure?” Because Jiang Cheng never looked at anybody, man or woman, throughout all their time growing up. Wei Wuxian remembered his prude shidi, who loudly berated him each time Wei Wuxian came back from visiting local brothels or bringing back home yellow books. He never showed any interest in either gender. Therefore, of all the people in the world, why would Jiang Cheng like Zewu-Jun? They were so starkly contrasted!

“Mn.” There was a subtle sneer underneath it.

“For how long?!”

“Years. Every time I attended the sects’ joined nighthunts, Jiang Wanyin kept trailing his gazes wherever xiongzhang go. It’s unnerving.” Lan Wangji spoke in his usual monotone voice but Wei Wuxian could see the disapproval.

Wei Wuxian blinked in amazement at the thought of ice-cold, unapproachable Jiang Cheng ogling after Zewu-Jun before he finally threw his head back laughing loudly as if it was the funniest thing ever. Jiang Cheng, who Lan Jingyi told was blacklisted by the matchmakers for his harsh words and bluntness, liking someone gentle like Zewu-Jun? It was too comical to imagine.

Lan Wangji turned to look at him questioningly at his hilarity.

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian said breathlessly, his mouth stretched wide in a huge grin. “Do you know that Jiang Cheng has his own requirement list of his chosen partner? He wanted someone soft-spoken, frugal, obedient and has a lower cultivation level than him. While Zewu-Jun is indeed from a reputable sect and quite soft-spoken, his cultivation level is way above Jiang Cheng! Can you imagine someone who has prideful and competitive nature, finding out that he couldn’t match his partner?!” 

Lan Wangji curved up a small smirk. He knew Jiang Wanyin could never match up to Lan Xichen. His brother was too kind-hearted to say it out loud.

“Plus, how is Zewu-Jun supposed to cope with Jiang Cheng’s temper and sharp-tongue?” Wei Wuxian said gleefully. “I grew up with him, Lan Zhan, and even I get exasperated with him! Plus, how would this even work? Both of them are sect leaders!” Mischief danced in his eyes. “Won’t they need heirs and such?” 

Lan Wangji arched his eyebrows knowingly. “There’s nothing to work out. Xiongzhang gives his kindness and sympathy so easily. At most, he will only humour Jiang Wanyin.”

“Yes, Zewu-Jun is too soft-hearted for his own good sometimes,” Wei Wuxian agreed as he wiped off the residual of hilarity tears. “But I admit, I didn’t expect him to banish us. I mean, since you did take over his position for almost seven months when he was in seclusion, I would think he’d be a bit lenient on you. You know, gratitude and all.”

Inside, Lan Wangji was seething as he was being reminded of that night. “Xiongzhang was hurt because we eloped while he was in seclusion and also because of me, asking permission to go out back on the road much too soon.”

Wei Wuxian looked at his partner, finally realising he was a part of the reason the Twin Jade had fought. “Oh, Lan Zhan, if I knew it’d bring this kind of trouble, I would never have asked you about when is our next adventure. I would spend my days playing with rabbits! You do know that I am perfectly content to be where you are.”

Lan Wangji’s eyes softened. “If Wei Ying wants it,” he said simply.

And they went on with their lives.

For the first two years, he lived in a false sense of happiness; it was just him and Wei Ying against the world who misunderstood them. Whenever they encountered discontented people once they knew who Wei Ying was, Lan Wangji stepped in front of partner, either letting his glare or sword do the talking. He allowed Wei Ying to hide behind him because this was his salvation, after spending 16 years without him. He also lived with a deep haze of fury at Jiang Wanyin and also at Lan Xichen for their banishment – undiminished and unforgettable.

Any sign of butterfly messages sent to them was harshly turned away.

A few more years went by. He tried to take his solace in Wei Wuxian’s presence as he had always done but it became more and more difficult with the passing time. Oftentimes he would find himself staring out to the horizon, to the blurry lines of mountains in the distance and the snowy white peaks. His ears perked up to the slightest sound of xiao and guqin, his eyes helplessly followed to the glimpses of white ribbons worn by the cultivators they encountered and his heart stopped a beat at the scent of sandalwood and wildflower and crisp snow.

Eventually Lan Wangji realised that there was a void within him. There was something missing in this happiness – something significant and insistent. The void would not let him be.

It was only when he and Wei Wuxian ran into trouble in one of remote villages where they had nearly lost their lives had he finally realised that he no longer had anybody to call out to if he was in trouble. He was not only without sect, without home, but he was also without his family – his brother, his uncle or even his junior disciples.

It made him realise just how incomplete this so-called happiness was.

He had spent all his life surrounded by his family, having their support, recognition and love, especially from Lan Xichen. Lan Wangji had always been able to rely on Lan Xichen to support him in any path that he chose; he grew up under the cool shade of Lan Xichen’s unwavering protection and love. Whenever he was deep in trouble, like the time when he was escaping with injured Wei Wuxian, being chased after by the cultivation world, the first person he had thought of was Lan Xichen. He had brought Wei Wuxian back to Cloud Recesses with absolute certainty that Lan Xichen would accept and help him.

Lan Xichen had done all of it without question or persecution. For years, his brother was his safety net, his assurance and his foundation; had Lan Wangji ever said thank you to him? Now that he had chosen to live without him; without his family, he finally realised the ground beneath him was gone. He was untethered, set adrift in the turbulent river without any means of security. For the first time in nearly 40 years, Lan Wangji realised that he felt so utterly alone.

He might have his partner beside him, but there was a part of Lan Wangji that belonged to his family. Wei Wuxian could never fill this particular hole in him; the young boy who often ran towards his xiongzhang, the young man who often sought shufu’s approval and the man who was certain in his family’s love. Living with Wei Wuxian made him realise just how protected he was all his life. Now that he had lost that assurance and found himself constantly needing to protect Wei Wuxian in turn, Lan Wangji realised that perhaps he had taken them for granted for too much.

Perhaps, he had been a bit arrogant and stubborn.

Perhaps, he should kneel in front of shufu and xiongzhang, asking for forgiveness because what was the use of holding on to pride, hoping Lan Xichen come searching for him?

Perhaps Lan Xichen was done sheltering him, humouring him and running after him. Maybe it was time for Lan Wangji to run after Lan Xichen instead. The loss of his pride was insignificant in comparison to the gaping hole within him.

That night, Lan Wangji spoke up softly to his partner. “I want to go back to Cloud Recesses.”

Wei Wuxian stopped fiddling with the talisman on the table, before slowly raising his head to look at Lan Wangji. Truthfully, Wei Wuxian had been anticipating this for quite some time. He had seen the nights Lan Wangji sat outside wherever room/house they were staying that night and played the guqin – the melody was always from those of Gusu Lan Sect, with his face frozen into melancholic expression. He had also seen the days of Lan Wangji halted at any sight of white robes and white ribbons and white xiaos. Wei Wuxian didn’t miss the way Lan Wangji often looked to Gusu mountains’ direction whenever he sat in contemplation; his aura darkened in bitterness, sadness and regrets.

“Has Zewu-Jun sent you a letter?” Wei Wuxian asked softly.

“Aside from the brief barrage of butterfly messages around four years ago, no, he hasn’t,” Lan Wangji replied.

Ah, Wei Wuxian remembered those moments – back when Lan Wangji’s fury was still red-hot burning and Wei Wuxian still excited for the prospect of being released from the confine of 4000 rules. How self-righteous they both felt that day, watching the butterfly messages disintegrated with their messages unread. How self-important they both felt knowing Zewu-Jun had broken their silent war first by sending them the messages.

“How do you know Zewu-Jun or Lan-Shifu would accept us back?” Wei Wuxian raised his eyebrows. “Five years is a quite a long time, Lan Zhan. Hearts can be hardened and love can be forgotten.”

Lan Wangji stared at Wei Wuxian; his light amber eyes softened. “Not for the Lans. I’ve loved you for years.” 

Wei Wuxian smiled.  

“Furthermore, I know xiongzhang,” Lan Wangji continued. “I have never seen him hold on to grudges or to his anger for a long period of time. He forgives easily and while for years I’ve seen people take advantage of that, but this time, I’m grateful for it.”

Wei Wuxian chewed his lips in contemplation. His partner might miss Cloud Recesses and was very sure that their return would be greeted with open arms, but Wei Wuxian had no love lost with that place, or with the people within it – well, maybe aside from Lan Sizhui, but he had been gone for the big bulk of Lan Sizhui’s life, so maybe Lan Sizhui belonged more to Gusu Lan Sect than to Wei Wuxian. He liked what they had now – just two of them and the world they traversed across.  

However, Wei Wuxian knew he couldn’t say all of that to Lan Zhan. He had said goodbye to Lotus Pier twice – once when he forsook Yunmeng Jiang Sect to save the Wens, and twice when he ran away from Jiang Cheng and into Lan Zhan’s arms without giving any explanation to his former shidi, no matter how much Jiang Cheng had begged him that night at Guanyin Temple. Lan Zhan had lived his whole life with Cloud Recesses, so of course he wanted to go home.

It took a few, long moments for him to answer, but eventually, Wei Wuxian uttered one word softly. “Alright.”

So, they flew back to Cloud Recesses. Upon arriving, the familiar white-grey mountains came into sight as Lan Wangji hovered on Bichen with Wei Wuxian peering over his shoulders from behind. Snow had generously covered the ground and the trees. Five years had done little to change the scenery; something hard lodged in Lan Wangji’s throat.

He missed home.

He took out the jade token that Lan Xichen had never demanded from him when he cast him away. It was only now, Lan Wangji realized Lan Xichen and Shufu were waiting for him to decide on his own to come home and when he did, the door would remain open to him. The rock in his throat grew bigger in regrets. Why did it take him five years to come home?

Lan Wangji dropped down at the main courtyard. His eyes greedily took in the sight of everything. This place hadn’t changed a bit and he had missed the quietness, the coldness and the serenity that always surrounded this place. This place saw him going through every stage in his life – the grief of losing his mother and his father, the first spark of attraction for Wei Ying, which was followed by the everlasting haze of obsession, the solid security and reassurance of Lan Xichen’s support and love, and the indelible rage for Jiang Wanyin who had let his shixiong down so spectacularly.

This was his root and the place to rest his head when the burden grew a bit too heavy. Now that he was here, he didn’t know how he could ever leave it in the first place.

“Hanguang-Jun!”

There was a loud gasp behind him and he turned around to see one of the disciples that he used to teach. The boy – no, he was a young man now, stood tall and dignified with his eyes wide in shock. “You’re back! I- I’m going to get Lan-Shifu!”

“Wait-“ Lan Wangji called out. The young man halted. “If you would tell me where shufu is, I would like to go to him first.” It was better for him to go rather than to wait so anxiously.

Shufu was at Hanshi, the young man had told him. Lan Wangji took a deep breath in realisation that it meant that he would be seeing both shufu and xiongzhang at the same time. His heart trembled in nervousness and he tightened his grip on Wei Wuxian’s hand. Had the five-year changed them? Had they waited for him, or had they simply pushed him at the back of their head? Was Lan Wangji ready to meet them?

“It’ll be okay, Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian said gently beside him.

“Mn.” 

The walk towards his brother’s place was both long and short as words of explanation swirled within his head. He just didn’t know whether he could voice them all out. As myriads of thought swirled in his head, he measured his steps with a display of calmness that he didn’t feel until he walked into the gravel path that led to the Hanshi’s courtyard.

They were nearing the main archway when suddenly, both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s feet stopped frozen at the sound of laughter that came from the unlikeliest person rang loudly from Hanshi’s courtyard. Both of their breaths were stuck in the chest as utmost shock rendered them immobile.

“Huan-ge! Don’t you dare throw that thing at me!” The voice warned before helplessly followed by bright laughter.

Lan Xichen called out back teasingly, “How is it you could be knee-deep in mud but a bit of snow mortifies you?”

"Mud in my lotus ponds is cleansing, while snow in Cloud Recesses causes frostbite! Remember last year?!"

"You know I could warm you up later!" 

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian hurried their steps to enter the courtyard. From where they were standing, they stared with their eyes wide open, standing absolutely flabbergasted, at the sight of Lan Xichen in his usual blue and white robes with a handful of snow in his hand, playfully chasing after Jiang Wanyin – of all people . And Jiang Wanyin was laughing with Lan Xichen; his mouth stretched wide, cheeks flushed deep in pink and strayed wisps of midnight-coloured hair curled to frame the heart-shaped face. There was also a distinctive white ribbon tied around his ponytail, instead of the usual purple one.

Lan Wangji’s mouth dropped at the meaning of it all. 

To complete the whole scenery, sitting on a low table a few steps away from the chasing Lan Xichen was Lan Qiren, looking years younger as he was smiling with barely contained quiet fondness while simply watching Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin played around as if they were both still a couple of young children – abandoned and carefree.

Within the cradle of Lan Qiren’s arms, there was a one-year-old baby, who was giggling after the two playful adults, hands waving around excitedly.

The rock in his throat grew bigger and harder to swallow. The implication was indisputable. Lan Wangji had spent five years wallowing in his deep, unfathomable void, while Lan Xichen was elated in his own happiness. To make the matter worse, the happiness that his xiongzhang found was with the person whom he and Wei Wuxian were so sure Lan Xichen would never look at twice.

Gone with perpetual rage and grief, Jiang Wanyin looked so unearthly happy.

Married to Lan Xichen, who was clearly sharing the feeling.

How was this even possible?

******

“Xiongzhang,” Lan Wangji called out, making his presence known. He, then, stepped forward with Wei Wuxian following his partner close. He had finally succeeded in shaking off his shock, however, his voice was still slightly trembled. He hadn’t expected the presence of Jiang Wanyin in Cloud Recesses, let alone in the private area of Hanshi, which was only accessible by close family members.

It took only one word from him and the happy atmosphere immediately dissipated. The sound of happiness was replaced with utter silence as three pairs of eyes were locked on Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, making them nervous. Lan Xichen stood still, snow melting in his hand as he stared at the newcomers at the edge of Hanshi’s front yard. Lan Qiren had stood up, the baby was pressed protectively against his chest and his dark eyes were hard and cold. The smile on Jiang Wanyin’s face disappeared so quickly that the previous laughter that Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian heard a few seconds ago could have been an imagination. Quickly, Jiang Wanyin retreated towards Lan Qiren, who was gently hushing as the distress visible on the baby’s face. 

“A-Cheng,” Lan Qiren said gently. “Take A-Ju, please.”

“Yes, fuqin.” Jiang Wanyin answered softly and A-Ju quickly latched on to his father and hid his face underneath Jiang Wanyin’s head.

Lan Wangji’s eyes narrowed when he heard Jiang Wanyin calling his own shufu as fuqin. It only cemented his assumption about who Jiang Wanyin was to Lan Xichen. It hurt to realise Jiang Wanyin was thriving with xiongzhang and Shufu, all the while he was choking under the weight of loneliness for the five years he had spent wandering aimlessly. Jiang Wanyin had tightened his grip on the family that Lan Wangji had lost. Familiar fury was reignited at the thought of Jiang Wanyin replacing him in his own family that he raised his pale amber eyes to glare at the offending man.

But Jiang Wanyin didn’t meet his eyes, nor was he even looking at Wei Ying; his attention was directly solely to comfort the baby in his arms, murmuring hush words. It only stoke the raging fire within him. The five-year worth of pent-up hatred made his tongue loose.

“Zewu-Jun, I wasn’t aware that you were married,” He gritted out.

Lan Xichen blinked. The animosity in Lan Wangji’s voice was unmistakable. “Since none of my butterfly messages were accepted by the esteemed Hanguang-Jun, I assumed you didn’t care about what I wanted to say nor did you want to come to my wedding.” Lan Xichen said mildly. If anyone were to ask Lan Xichen 4 years ago, he would say he was incredibly hurt over his younger brother’s rejection of his messages. But now, his heart was filled of the happiness Jiang Wanyin brought with him that the memories of hollowness and anger for his wayward brother no longer affected him.

“You could have tried harder.” Lan Wangji said.

“Tell me how, Hanguang-Jun?” Lan Xichen arched his eyebrows. “You were without a fixed address for me to send normal missives and my only method of attempting to communicate with you was repeatedly rejected by the sender. On the other hand, you could have sent me a letter, but instead, you prefer to remain silent in your animosity and grudge. I have done my share of this… brotherhood of ours, perhaps more than I should.” 

Lan Wangji’s jaw rippled. He had planned to ask for shufu and xiongzhang’s forgiveness but he hadn’t expected to see Jiang Wanyin there. Five years went by and his hatred for this man hadn’t lessened even one bit.

“Ah, Zewu-Jun, don’t be too hard on Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian stepped in with a nervous grin, trying to enlighten the situation. “We spent most of our time travelling and helping people with their problems. You mustn’t blame Lan Zhan for not reaching out.”

Lan Xichen shifted his icy golden eyes toward the small man. “And what do you think we do here, Wei Wuxian? Twiddling with our thumbs? Stamping on reports? Looking pretty on the dais?” There was a small feral smile on Lan Xichen’s face.

Lan Wangji was visibly startled at Lan Xichen’s unfamiliar sharp words, while Wei Wuxian was visibly taken aback at how eerily similar to Jiang Cheng Zewu-Jun sounded. He stole a glance at Jiang Wanyin and swallowed hard when he saw the absence of bitter rage between the slanted eyebrows. Jiang Wanyin was calmly bouncing his baby while content to be a bystander. Wei Wuxian was sure Jiang Wanyin of five years ago wouldn’t be wearing an expression like that. 

He wondered how much Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin were balancing off each other’s weaknesses and learning to grow to be better. Perhaps the stark differences between them that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji had scoffed all those years ago were instead their greatest assets. Looking at them now, Wei Wuxian could finally see it. Lan Xichen offered the calmness and patience that Jiang Wanyin had always lacked and in return, Jiang Wanyin gave Lan Xichen the much needed sharp-edge weapon in the form of words, to prevent people taking advantage of his innate kindness. 

It wasn’t so much personality clash, but rather Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin complemented each other in a way that Wei Wuxian had never thought was possible.

For the one horrible moment, Wei Wuxian wondered whether he and Lan Wangji ever had that – the evenly measured give-and-take between them? The balancing of one’s weaknesses with one’s strengths? Would he even notice if they didn’t have it? 

Or were they just moving through the motions? Lan Zhan the protector, while Wei Wuxian was content to hide behind his strong partner. 

“Zewu-Jun, do not speak to Wei Ying like that,” Lan Wangji instantly defended him. 

“Don’t you remember, Hanguang-Jun? I recalled you speak ill of my husband too. For countless times for so many years.”

“Speaking of your husband,” Lan Wangji spat out the word. “I am surprised that you married him. Did my words about him ogling after you, spur you to rush to him? Were you pitying him when you asked him to marry you?” 

Jiang Wanyin visibly flinched. Lan Qiren’s mouth fell open in shock at Lan Wangji’s harsh words.

And Lan Xichen’s whole body tensed.

It had taken him months of persistent courtship to finally make Jiang Wanyin believe that his feelings for him were genuine and not because of some residual mixture of guilt or pity or worse, a distraction for his personal trauma. Lan Xichen remembered all the fights they had fought as he tried to wrestle with the demons within Jiang Wanyin’s head, whose whispered words told him that he wasn’t meant for an everlasting love or a happy ending. The words were so entrenched within him; they were built harder and thicker from years of loneliness and abandonment.

There were moments of verbal arguments between them, misunderstanding upon misunderstanding and nights of frustration spent apart; all of which still saw Lan Xichen steadfastly holding on and Jiang Wanyin bravely attempting the unknown. There were incidents of insecurity, second thoughts and public scorns. Whenever they thought that this couldn’t work; that perhaps they were vastly different to be together, it only took him one look at Jiang Wanyin’s vulnerable face and Jiang Wanyin seeing Lan Xichen’s miserable posture to make them resolved to try again because despite it all, they loved more than they feared.

For five years, Lan Xichen had witnessed his husband being so incredibly brave, again and again, to offer his heart after a lifetime of betrayals. So, how dare Lan Wangji cheapened their history - the history that Lan Wangji had chosen not to be part of, by thinking Lan Xichen married Jiang Wanyin out of pity? 

“You are always so sure with your one-sided supposition,” Lan Xichen bit out. “I thought five years were enough for you to reflect. What a fool I am, thinking it is possible when sixteen years had failed.” 

“Ahaha- don’t say that, Zewu-Jun…” Wei Wuxian said, attempting once again to diffuse the situation. He knew Lan Zhan came here intending to apologise to Zewu-Jun and Lan Qiren. Hadn’t it for the fact Jiang Cheng was here, he would be on his knees already.

“I only say it as I see it,” Lan Wangji said bluntly, still stubborn. “In fact-“

But-- The rest of the words were muffled behind his closed mouth as his lips were glued together. “Mmmh? Mmmh??” Lan Wangji’s eyes were wide with indignation and surprise.

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian inhaled sharply in realisation because he never thought anybody would dare to use a silencing spell on his husband at all. Didn’t Zewu-Jun go a bit too far? Anger in his heart, Wei Wuxian turned to the taller man. “Zewu-Jun, what are you doing!?” He cried. “Please undo the spell!”

However, Lan Xichen looked equally surprised as Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. His eyes were locked at the sight of his younger brother’s panicked face. “I didn’t do it.” He defended himself.

What?- So… If it wasn’t Zewu-Jun, then- “Lan-shifu!” Wei Wuxian turned to Lan Qiren, whose face darkened like rumbling thunder at the eve of a storm. Beside him, Lan Wangji raised his hands to his mouth, still struggling to undo the spell. It was unnerving to see his husband being inflicted with his own favourite spell.

“Lan-shifu, please undo the spell!” 

Lan Qiren narrowed his eyes as he scoffed softly. “As much as I relished the thought of using Wangji’s favourite spell against himself; if only just to teach him a lesson, the spell wasn’t my doing either.”

That revelation got both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian looking absolutely surprised.

“Mnmmhh?”

“What do you mean? If it wasn’t Zewu-Jun or Lan-shifu, then, who-“ Wei Wuxian stammered.

“It was me.” A deep and gruff voice declared from behind Lan Qiren. 

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s eyes went comically wide as he stared with utter disbelief at Jiang Wanyin, who stood tall and haughty; his amethyst eyes glittered in simmering rage.

“Jiang Cheng…?”

“You are to call me, Sect Leader Jiang, Wei-xiansheng,” Jiang Wanyin retorted. 

“How do you know-“ Wei Wuxian stammered. Even he didn’t know how to cast it, and he had been married to Lan Wangji much longer than Jiang Cheng had. 

“Of course I know the silencing spell,” Jiang Wanyin scoffed. “Am I not the spouse of Sect Leader Lan of Gusu? Why is it a surprise that I know my husband’s cultivation arts? He knew some of mine.”

Lan Wangji stared dumbfoundedly at Jiang Wanyin. He recalled all those years ago when he often used the silencing spell to discipline Jin Ling in front of his own disciples. And how each time it happened, he had watched with deep-seated satisfaction when Jiang Wanyin visibly tried to rein back his temper. Back then, he knew how fragile Jiang Wanyin’s position was and he wasn’t above using that knowledge to take jabs on the man whose sin was to allow Wei Ying to die at Mount Burial. Who would have thought the table would turn years later and now it was his turn to be silenced by Jiang Wanyin.

Humiliation burned him with vinegar on his mouth.

Jiang Wanyin turned away from Wei Wuxian and glared at Lan Wangji.This was the first time he spoke to Lan Wangji since that day Jiang Wanyin had pleaded with him to go home. How starkly different Jiang Wanyin had looked back then, pale and defeated, to this vision of Jiang Wanyin, flushed pink in indignation but still stood tall and proud.

“I will not tolerate any more demeaning words directed to me, especially if they were uttered by you. I am not without words anymore. I am not the same person five years ago, who was searching for a phantom of love in unyielding places - places that would never give me what I needed. I am now loved and cherished by my family around me. I know my worth.” 

Lan Xichen blinked at his husband, feeling red-hot desire rushed down to his groin at the sight of Jiang Wanyin curtly and sharply dismissing Lan Wangji while holding their baby tenderly. The contrast was too much for his already fragile control whenever it came to his husband. Jiang Wanyin only needed to glance back at him and Lan Xichen would be willing to follow this man everywhere, forever. 

Oblivious of Lan Xichen’s hot gaze upon him, Jiang Wanyin continued with the voice he used on the most unruly disciple. “Contemplate your erred way in silence for three incense sticks, Hanguang-Jun.” 

Then, he twirled around dramatically and walked into the Hanshi.

Oh heavens... Lan Xichen thought dazedly.

Chapter Text

Even after the echoes of Jiang Wanyin’s footsteps were gone, all four of them remained silent; Lan Wangji was silent without a choice, whereas the other three were still recovering from the scene of Jiang Wanyin silencing Lan Wangji with Lan Silencing Spell.

Wei Wuxian was silently marvelling how much Jiang Cheng had changed. Gone was the ever-present poisonous bitterness and rage underneath his skin; now Jiang Cheng seemed more comfortable in his own skin, more accepting of who he was. When they were young, Wei Wuxian had often wondered why Jiang Cheng was always carrying the deep sense of discontent because didn’t Jiang Cheng have it all? A family who supported him and a heritage to look forward to. Why did this time make a difference? What did Lan Xichen give to him that none of them could give to Jiang Cheng back then?

Unable to stop his burning curiosity, Wei Wuxian was the first to break the silence. “Jiang Cheng-“ He halted when he saw Lan Qiren glared at him. “ Sect Leader Jiang -” he corrected himself hastily. “-seems different.”

“What do you mean that he’s different?” Lan Qiren asked with raised eyebrows.

“Um-" he tried again. "-he’s calmer, I guess." Content was the more accurate word, but for some reason Wei Wuxian couldn’t make himself say the word. That would mean back then, Jiang Cheng wasn’t, and all those times, Wei Wuxian didn’t see it.

“When one is secured in his family’s affection, one tends to be like that,” Lan Qiren stated. “A-Cheng knows that he can trust us. It has taken years for us to tame the demons that his previous family created but I’d like to think that this is the real A-Cheng if the circumstances weren’t so against him.” 

Wei Wuxian wasn't stupid. He knew Lan Qiren was referring some of it to him. Something inside him stung badly. “ Circumstances?” He echoed. “However do you mean by that?”

“All those years living with him and you didn’t notice a thing?” Lan Xichen asked. “I thought both of you used to be inseparable. Twin Prides of Yunmeng and all.”

Lan Xichen’s tone was incredulous and instantly Wei Wuxian grew defensive. Instantly, he replied sharply. “Jiang Cheng had always had a penchant for overreaction and oversensitivity of what he perceived to be a biased treatment by his father. He thought his father favoured me and he thought his mother felt threatened by my being there and thus, deflecting her insecurity and rage for her husband towards him. He also thought Shijie sided with me over him. All of those were of course a product from his own overreaction tendency and I had told him, over and over again, that no parents in this world would ever love an outsider more than their own flesh and blood.”

Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren’s body grew tense and stiff at Wei Wuxian’s words. Regardless, Wei Wuxian continued in a terse voice. “There were no circumstances against him. He had his parents, his sister and a renowned sect to inherit. He had his family name and considerable wealth. And yet, he insisted to remain prideful, to be so unnecessarily competitive against me, an orphan with no sect or clan to back my name. He’d rather nurture his rage and discontent than seeing the good around him, that sometimes, I felt like there was hardly ever an emotion of love in him.”

Lan Qiren’s ears flushed deep red in anger. He stepped forwards to unleash his rage before Lan Xichen held out his hand to stop his uncle. Instead, it was Lan Xichen who turned his ice-cold expression towards Wei Wuxian.

“You think Wanyin is incapable of love?” Lan Xichen said slowly. Lan Wangji’s back straightened in wariness at his brother’s tone. He knew from experience that rage was beginning to fill his heart.

“You think Wanyin was simply imagining the grief he had carried all his life?” Lan Xichen asked, cheeks flushed in restrained anger. “You think he nurtured his rage and discontent by choice? You think all the bad things you assume to be in Jiang Cheng came without reasons?”

“How presumptuous of you!” He bit out. “How would you know how it felt to be so carelessly discarded by your own father over an outsider? How would you know the feeling of waking up one day and found everything had changed just by the simple arrival of a stranger? That in one day, you lost your dogs, your own private space, your mother’s smile, your sister’s attention and most of all, your father’s affection. And then, all the days to come, you lost more and more of your happiness because you found out that nothing you achieved was comparable to the stranger. You tried your best to please your parents, to work harder until your hands were riddled with blisters and your eyes blurry from reading into the late nights, only to wake up the next morning to be bested so effortlessly by that stranger and all the acknowledgements that you were hoping to get from you father were given instead to the stranger.”

Wei Wuxian’s breath was halted in the face of Lan Xichen’s icy avalanche of fury.

Lan Xichen walked forward purposely; his voice grew colder. “By all accounts, you should have hated the stranger for coming here and stealing everyone from you. You should have despised him. But you found out that you loved more than you hated . That despite everything – despite the indifference from your father, despite the rage and dissatisfaction from your mother and despite the lopsided attention from your sister – you loved the stranger. You took the stranger to be your shixiong, to be so close to your heart even though you were hurt by the stranger’s presence. You played with him, you followed him in his shenanigans, you knelt beside him in punishments, you broke your back to protect him, to defend him, to try to save him from his stubbornness and arrogance… you sacrificed your life to save him, only for him to return your love with, not only more destruction to everything that you loved, but also with the biggest lie kept for almost two decades.”

Wei Wuxian’s face went pale in revelation. All his life, he had never thought of Jiang Cheng that way ever. He had never thought that he himself could be in the wrong, that perhaps, of all the people, Jiang Cheng was the one whom he had hurt the most.

“Even after all that grief and betrayal, again and again , from the person whom he loved the most, Jiang Wanyin still found it within himself to ask for you, Wei Wuxian; for the slightest chance of reconnection, only for you to reject him so cruelly by insisting the past to remain in the past. And then, he cared for my well-being during my seclusion, that even when he, himself, was drowning in his own sorrow, he still asked Wangji to come home to see me.” Lan Xichen’s voice was ladened with unfathomable awe and love for his husband and it was so clear to everyone.

“ That is the man that you claimed to be without love.” Lan Xichen growled. “All Jiang Wanyin’s life was about choosing love over hatred. And if you had foolishly mistaken his grief for hatred, his relentlessness for competitiveness, his rage for vindictiveness and his insecurity for bitterness, then, you had never, ever known him at all.”

Wei Wuxian’s throat felt tight with panic and misery because he had grown up with Jiang Cheng. He couldn’t have been so wrong, could he? And if he was, what did that say about him? A self-righteous, arrogant bastard who never thought he could ever be wrong?

The revelation was too bitter to swallow. Wei Wuxian couldn’t accept this. “Jiang Cheng--“

“--has finally found his home,” Lan Qiren cut in harshly. “His home is with us and in this home, we will never assume the worst about him.”

Wei Wuxian staggered back at the sharp, jabbing words from Lan Qiren while Lan Wangji breathed in sharply at the knowledge that Shufu had made his priority clear. That if Lan Wangji ever wanted to come back to Cloud Recesses, Jiang Wanyin would be a non-negotiable term. Wei Wuxian, on the other hand, was reeling with the tumultuous emotions within him. He was shaken to the core, now that all the lenses that he wore were torn away and he finally saw Jiang Cheng in an entirely new light.

How was he supposed to deal with this?

How was he supposed to face Jiang Cheng after this?

He couldn’t process any of this, so, he did what he did best, which was pivoting it away from him. Craving a brittle smile that he didn’t feel at all, he asked in a trembling voice. “Where did you adopt the baby?” He asked instead. He knew a baby topic was hard to resist.

Lan Xichen pressed his lips in displeasure when he saw Wei Wuxian was running away again. When the situation was too harsh for his comfort, Wei Wuxian preferred to deflect, to run away and to hide away. He had seen it in Guanyin Temple and he was seeing it now.

“Adopted?” Lan Xichen repeated, weariness in his voice. “He wasn’t adopted. Didn’t you see his violet eyes?” 

Wei Wuxian’s eyes bulged out at the insinuation of Zewu-Jun’s words. He immediately forgot the previous conversation as he latched on the news. “You meant to say that that baby is Jiang Cheng’s actual son? Flesh and blood? He actually got a woman pregnant?!”

Lan Xichen scoffed, his voice deep with possessiveness. “Why would he need to, when he could do it all by himself.”

The silence fell amongst them as the revelation stunned the cultivation partner. Lan Wangji snapped his head up and Wei Wuxian practically yelped, “He WHAT?” 

Lan Qiren took over the conversation. “Apparently, when Wen Qing did the core transplant, she had to do massive qi transferral to the recipient, to Jiang Cheng--“

Wei Wuxian knew THAT. He was awake the whole three goddamn days of the hellish experience and he never wanted to be reminded of that. In order to make Jiang Cheng’s body accept Wei Wuxian’s core, Wen Qing to transfer a huge amount of her own qi into Jiang Wanyin that Wei Wuxian was sure the doctor was on the verge of collapsing herself.

“--and now, Jiang Cheng’s core has an abundant amount of yin energy that allows something akin to pregnancy. We were out of our wits when we first discovered it; none of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect, Gusu Lan Sect or Lanling Jin Sect had any scroll to explain this, or even how to deal with something like this, so Jiang Wanyin reached out to Qinghe Nie Sect. It turns out they had experience of something like this a few decades back and the healer was quite meticulous in his journal keeping. We were lucky." 

“T-that’s not possible…” Wei Wuxian stammered, because carrying a baby required a womb, and- and stuffs , which Jiang Cheng, as a man , didn’t have! “Even if Jiang Cheng had the needed yin energy, he is still a man--"

“A-Ju is a spiritual child, Wei Wuxian,” Lan Qiren cut in impatiently. “He was conceived by both of Lan Xichen’s yang energy and Jiang Wanyin’s yin energy and he was sustained during pregnancy with the help of an array we found in the scroll from Qinghe Nie Sect.” A soft smile appeared on his face in wonder. “Yunmeng Jiang Sect always talked about attempting the impossible; by heavens, this, is indisputably the pinnacle of impossibility.” 

Lan Xichen nodded his head as he smiled in amazement too. A year had passed and yet, Lan Xichen could believe the miracle he had held in his arms. “What are the odds? This was indeed a miracle!” The pride was clearly in Lan Xichen’s voice.

“Wanyin, the generous man that he is, also allowed me to name our first child.“ Lan Xichen said. “He did all the work and yet, he still gave me the right to name our first-born.”

First child?! Wei Wuxian thought dazedly. Did that mean Jiang Cheng could have a second one? A third one? And- and the first pregnancy wasn’t an aberration? Despite marrying Lan Xichen, and they shouldn’t, by all accounts of the realm of the possible, have any children of their own, Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin proved the world wrong.  

There was a bitter taste in Wei Wuxian’s mouth.

Oh heavens, was this the bitter taste of envy? Was he envious of his former shidi, for having everything Wei Wuxian wanted? A home, a loving in-law and a child to call his own?

Lan Xichen watched Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji process the knowledge with no small amount of gratefulness of being reminded of what was bestowed to him. The truth was, Jiang Wanyin did not only give him a miracle child. Lan Xichen was also forced to confront one of his biggest shames; that was facing Nie Huaisang once again.

During his seclusion, Lan Xichen spent a lot of time reflecting on all the things that he had missed and had been blinded from. Things like: for twenty decades of knowing him, had Jin Guangyao ever been truthful to him? Had Jin Guangyao ever felt the slightest feeling of loyalty and love towards him, just like Lan Xichen had felt toward Jin Guangyao? Had Jin Guangyao planned to use him, the first time they met all those years ago when Lan Xichen was on the run?

And most importantly, if Lan Xichen were less blinded by his belief of universal kindness, would Da-ge still be alive? That question haunted his nights and solitude.

Thinking about Da-ge got him to think about Nie Huaisang… Oh heavens , how he must have suffered to be carrying the truth of Da-ge’s death and unable to tell it to the world about the culprit because his er-ge was a useless man? Jin Guangyao had Lan Xichen so firmly in his grip that Lan Xichen knew, if Nie Huaisang came to him, he would believe Jin Guangyao more than he believed in Nie Huaisang.

The realisation shamed him deeply. Lan Xichen knew he was equally guilty of Jin Guangyao’s sins. Nie Huaisang was the Da-ge’s most precious person and Lan Xichen did nothing to protect and help and simply believe in him.

After he exited the seclusion, he hadn’t wanted to face Nie Huaisang. He couldn’t. The shame and the grief were too unbearable. 

But when Shufu told him that the information that could help Jiang Wanyin was located in the Unclean Realm, he knew that this was fate telling him that his time of hide-and-run was over. The past was catching up to him and it was time for him to face his darkest demon and deepest guilt. And so he went.

“Er-ge,” Nie Huaisang had greeted him that day. Ever so gracious, despite everything. Lan Xichen didn’t deserve this cordiality.  

A part of Lan Xichen wanted to take the easy way and kept pretending. How easy it would be to act as if both of them were nothing more than just two sect leaders conversing about sect affairs. However, it only took one look at Nie Huaisang's features and he was bombarded with the memory of Da-ge pestering his younger brother to be more excellent in his study and in his martial arts because Da-ge might not be there forever to protect him. He remembered Da-ge’s silent request for Lan Xichen to watch over Nie Huaisang should he succumb to qi-deviation. He remembered his promise to Da-ge and he had failed Da-ge in his life and in his death too.

Lan Xichen looked at Nie Huaisang, but he heard Da-ge’s voice. Sorrow welled up so quickly that he felt as if he couldn’t breathe. “Am I still worthy to be your er-ge, Huaisang?” He said hoarsely.

Nie Huaisang’s pleasant mask cracked slightly. It was obvious that he wasn’t expecting that at all. He quickly regained his composure with a smile. "Why would you say that? Of course you do.” 

After two decades of being blind, this time Lan Xichen wasn’t anymore. This time he could see Nie Huaisang’s mask.

“Nie Huaisang,” Lan Xichen said haltingly. “In my seclusion, I had often wondered why I wasn’t in your revenge list,” Nie Huaisang’s smile dropped together with the fan in his hand. “I was equally guilty for my part in Da-ge's death, wasn’t I?”

“Zewu-Jun-”

The smile was gone. So was the title er-ge . This Nie Huaisang was the realest Lan Xichen had seen in years. Oddly enough, Lan Xichen felt bravely honest too. He had avoided Nie Huaisang for years, but now, he wanted to stop hiding.

“I taught Jin Guangyao the Song of Clarity when it should have been my responsibility to assist Da-ge. I kept blind eyes and deaf ears to any perceived slander towards Jin Guangyao, to the point you felt you couldn’t come to me; not without me insisting that Jin Guangyao was a misunderstood person. I should've known that when Da-ge was getting worse instead of better something was wrong. But I buried my head in the sand, letting my affection for Jin Guangyao rule my wisdom, and you were left alone to deal with the knowledge of such crime.” 

Nie Huaisang went quiet. His pretence was all gone. The mask of the sect leader was now replaced by the true face of a grieving brother. The silence encased the room as the elephant was finally addressed.

Lan Xichen’s heart ached. Had anybody come to Nie Huaisang to comfort him – even after the truth was made known? By heavens, Lan Xichen had been quite selfish in his grieving.

“Wanyin told me that my kindness and my tendency to look for goodness in people are not weaknesses, but when I remembered Jin Guangyao – when I remembered my part in enabling him, I don’t know if I could ever believe Wanyin’s words. In my drive to elevate Jin Guangyao from his wretched past, I had caused Da-ge his life. I had taken Da-ge from you.”

The smaller man bit his lips hard, chest heaved with great emotion.

Then, Lan Xichen whispered, “Nie Huaisang, I wanted to say sorry for so long, but I- I just don’t know if my apology would mean anything to you, or if I even deserve your forgiveness.”

Tears pooled in Nie Huaisang’s hazel eyes before spilling down to his cheeks, and his grip on the fan was crushing. He stared into Lan Xichen’s amber eyes; wet and red too. For the longest time, he couldn’t say anything in response to Lan Xichen’s heartfelt words. Eventually, with his voice choked in an overwhelming grief, he said, “I- I used to hate you--“

Lan Xichen flinched violently. He had expected it, but it still hurt to the deepest part of him.   

“I used to tell myself that if you had been the one to play the guqin, like you should , Da-ge wouldn’t have such a morbid ending. I blamed you for Da-ge’s death for some time. That was why I tricked you into killing Jin Guangyao. I want you to feel the same hopelessness and regret and sorrow that I had felt for ten years!” Nie Huaisang shouted as his chest heaved harshly.

He eventually looked away. The fury ebbed away into exhaustion. “But I was wrong to do that to you. While Jin Guangyao got what was coming for him, it didn’t lessen my grief when I did that to you. It took years for me to finally admit that you were also being used by Jin Guangyao; a victim like everybody else and by tricking you, I had just added more to the pile of your misery.” 

Lan Xichen could feel his tears wet his cheeks and still he kept his silence.

“Zewu-Jun,” Nie Huaisang said hesitatingly, his voice thick with tears. “I wanted to say sorry too, for a long time. But I also didn’t know if you would want to accept it, or even if I should be forgiven.”

Lan Xichen inhaled sharply as his eyes widened in utmost surprise. He never expected Nie Huaisang to say this. He had never thought about it either. But now, Nie Huaisang had talked about it, Lan Xichen realised that perhaps, in the deepest corner of his heart, he did feel a bit bitter for being used by Nie Huaisang too. However, that moment had come and gone so quickly. Lan Xichen didn’t want to dwell in the past anymore. He wanted to move on, to start a fresh chapter in his life – with Jiang Wanyin’s love and Nie Huaisang’s forgiveness.

The realisation made the burden in his heart become lighter.

Then, the softest smile appeared on Lan Xichen’s face. “A-Sang—”

Nie Huaisang’s eyes widened because he couldn’t remember when was the last time he heard Lan Xichen called him like that.

“--I will accept your apology, if only you would accept mine first.” Lan Xichen said softly.

There was a stark vulnerability on Nie Huaisang’s face and Lan Xichen was sure that this was the most honest Nie Huaisang had ever been since Da-ge had died. This was the first glimpse, in years, of Nie Huaisang that Da-ge had tried so hard to protect all his life. Bittersweet feeling bloomed within Lan Xichen’s heart. The urge to care for Nie Huaisang, even if he had been his own formidable sect leader himself, strengthened.

Nie Huaisang was Da-ge’s most precious person and while Lan Xichen couldn’t ask for Nie Mingjue’s forgiveness, he could, at the very least, protect the one Da-ge had loved the most.

“Zewu-Jun- Er-ge… ” Nie Huaisang stammered. “Of course I would.”

Lan Xichen pulled himself away from the fond memory as he looked at Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji; traces of previous anger disappeared at the thought of all the forgiveness that he had given and received. He had gone through the stages of self-forgiveness and it was a long, hard and heart-breaking journey. And along his journey, Jiang Wanyin was right there with him; in every stage of grieving and acceptance, steadfast and unwavering.

And each day that passed, Lan Xichen loved Jiang Wanyin with unmeasurable depth. There was no one else in this world who could ever compare to his husband.

“What is it that you see in Jiang Wanyin?” Lan Wangji asked, finally being free from the spell.

Lan Xichen looked at his brother. “ A future .”

“What do you mean?” Wei Wuxian frowned.

“Wei Wuxian, for someone to be able to move on from the past – to move towards the future, one cannot keep running away or secluding oneself from the very thing that shackles you, hoping the people we hurt would forget about it. Some wounds last a lifetime. If we were lucky, they would mourn and move on, and if we weren’t, their rage would seek retribution and the cycle will never end.”

“For five years, I’ve been trying to redeem myself. Jiang Wanyin made me want to have a future with him and to do that, I knew I had to face my past. Thus, I reconciled with Nie Huaisang and I’m still trying to make amends to the people whom Jin Guangyao had hurt. I reached out to Moling Su Clan of Gusu to repair the broken alliance. I tried to listen better, to learn to say no and to be a bit wiser in my benevolence. Some days I succeeded and some days Wanyin has pulled me back up for a longer moment of reflection.” 

Lan Xichen sighed. “Who’s wrong and who’s right? What was the root cause of the tragedies? These are things that we may never know the answer to because the moral ethe had never seemed so grey as they were before. But it didn’t absolve us from our own doings; from the fact that there were people who had died and suffered directly because of us. All we can do now is to make amends to those people we hurt and hope they would find it in them to forgive us. And only by doing that, can we hope for the future.”

He threw a fond glance to Hanshi, where his husband was currently in with their miraculous child. Both of their wounds were healing, and Lan Xichen wanted to keep on chasing for the future he built with Jiang Wanyin. “He made me feel hopeful when I had none. He showed me the true face of honesty after decades of lies. And in him, I have seen the strength and perseverance to crawl through a lifetime of heartache and tragedies.”

Lan Xichen looked back at Lan Wangji. “Tell me, how could I not fall in love with him?”

Lan Wangji couldn’t find the words to say anything. At this moment, Lan Xichen looked so world-weary, still fresh from his grief, and yet still so hopeful for the future, so hopeful for happiness. There was something so very wise in his brother’s face, the change moulded for the years they had spent apart.

Suddenly, Lan Wangji’s heart ached painfully at the realisation of the years he had wasted. He could have been here, sharing his life with Lan Xichen, celebrating each milestone of recovery. Lan Wangji could have seen all the moments in Lan Xichen's life but instead, it was Jiang Wanyin who did it.

Jiang Wanyin had been Lan Xichen’s muse and happiness, while Lan Wangji had sulked in his perceived wrongness. 

Five. Years.

He had been prideful.

Stubborn.

And very, very spoiled.

He had wasted five years and he refused to waste another day. So, he gently dropped to his knees, humble and regretful. “Sect Leader, please allow me and Wei Wuxian to return to Cloud Recesses. Please grant us your pardon for our previous insolence and wrongdoings. Xiongzhang… Wangji just wants to come home to you and Shufu…”

Lan Xichen inhaled sharply at those words. His kind heart began to soften because he had missed Lan Wangji too. So much. Softly he said, “Wangji, of course I would allow—”

“With proper punishment, of course,” Lan Qiren interrupted sternly. Anger was gone from Lan Qiren’s face but he was still determined to do this right. “And a formal apology, written or verbal, to Sect Leader Jiang.”

“Shufu--” Lan Wangji started.

“Jiang Wanyin had been the recipient of your bullying and rude words. Despite his standing as a major sect leader, he had never retaliated toward Gusu Lan Sect. If you want to come home, you have to consider your sect leader’s cultivation partner and thus, a formal apology should be given to Jiang Wanyin. I think your punishment is light considering the years you’ve spent disrespecting him,” Lan Qiren remained unmoved.

Lan Wangji’s jaw rippled as he gritted his teeth hard. It was hard to change the way he felt about Jiang Wanyin but for the sake of his brother and Shufu, Lan Wangji would try. He swallowed hard as he clasped his hands forward and bowed. “Yes, Shufu.”

Wei Wuxian bowed low as well. 

Satisfied that he had gotten his way, Lan Qiren smiled for the first time since Lan Wangji stepped into Hanshi. “Now that it settles, do you want to formally meet A-Ju?”

“Yes, of course!” Wei Wuxian said quickly, eager to leave this all behind, and Lan Wangji nodded his head. “What’s his full name?"

“ Lan Mingjue ,” Lan Xichen said proudly. He laughed when he heard shocked gasps from the cultivation partners. “A-Sang is his godfather, by the way. A-Ju is spoiled terribly with a godfather like Nie Huaisang. You need to see the baby crib A-Sang commission for A-Ju.”

“Too extravagant!” Lan Qiren shook his head. “Nie Huaisang doesn’t know the word moderation.

“Shufu! You’re the one to talk! You, too, are too indulging." Lan Xichen laughed. “Who allowed the rule of no speaking during meals to be retracted?!”

“A-Ju likes it when I talk to him,” Lan Qiren defended himself.

“If we’re not careful, A-Ju will become too spoiled!”

"Well, thank heavens for Jiang Wanyin for scolding us all!” Lan Qiren smiled widely.

Chapter Text

When they were travelling the road, Wei Wuxian had once joked with Lan Wangji about how impossible Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen's marriage would be (not that there would ever be one hahaha ) since both of them were sect leaders.

Wei Wuxian had never thought it would happen and he had prided himself to be one who knew Jiang Cheng well. He thought he had figured Jiang Cheng out, knew what made the man tick and understood the motives behind his actions. All his life, Wei Wuxian had made his decisions on anything that related to Jiang Cheng based on those kinds of knowledge; from their childhood adolescence of him telling Jiang Cheng that no parents could ever hate their children, to transferring his core without Jiang Cheng’s consent because he just knew Jiang Cheng could never live a normal life, to running away from Jiang Cheng after he was resurrected because he was convinced Jiang Cheng would surely hurt/hate him out of pure spite and arrogance.

Not once had the thought that he might be wrong about Jiang Cheng ever crossed his mind.

Because he knew Jiang Cheng.

Because he grew up with Jiang Cheng.

Because he was Jiang Cheng’s shixiong. 

Now that he was being sorely blindsided by Jiang Cheng’s marriage with a man, with Lan Xichen who was so different compared to Jiang Cheng as night and day - married to Lan Xichen with a child.

What if he was not only wrong about Jiang Cheng now , but he had always been wrong about him? What if he had only known Jiang Cheng on the surfaces that Jiang Cheng had allowed the world to see, but he had never had the privilege of knowing the inner part of Jiang Cheng – the one who had held his child so gently, with love shone brightly in his eyes and the one who had called upon Lan Qiren so softly with deep respect in his voice?

It took one month for Wei Wuxian to fully understand the schedule that both sect leaders adopted. They spent every two weeks alternately in Gusu and in Yunmeng. While they were in each other’s territory, they had left the affairs to their head disciple and second-in-command. When they travelled, they simply got on their swords, so light and fast that it suggested that they had everything they needed in both locations. The affairs were so well-oiled that Wei Wuxian knew it could only come from years accommodating each other’s needs and wants. 

Lan Xichen had his home in Lotus Pier and Jiang Wanyin also had made a home here.

Wei Wuxian could also see Jiang Wanyin carving a significant part of himself and Yunmeng Jiang culture into this place. There were dashes of purple colours all over the usual blue and white Cloud Recesses. The first time Wei Wuxian saw the lilac banners hanging behind the usual white and blue tapestry in the reception hall, he was so surprised that he couldn’t help but feel the familiar ache of nostalgia of that colour. He could tell Lan Zhan, too, was stunned, because the usual stoic man stared at the lilac banners a bit too long.

Eventually, he realised Jiang Wanyin’s presence could be seen everywhere in Cloud Recesses.

There were now tall lavender and hyacinth flowers amongst blue gentians. There were purple ribbons on Zewu-Jun’s hair and purple tassels hanging on his waist. Lan Qiren took preference in wearing pale lilac or dark violet inner robes that strangely matched the pale blue outer robes that he was so fond of. Wei Wuxian had also come across small items strewn all over the space: brushes with purple handles, deep violet vases and porcelains, and purple and blue ombre screens and cushions. And whenever the Gusu Lan Sect disciples talked about Zewu-Jun, the name Sandu Shengshou was never far away from their mouths.

He wondered whether he would find traces of blue and white everywhere, too, if he went to Lotus Pier? Had Jiang Wanyin now planted the blue gentian along the lotus-filled lake? Had he put up blue banners in the reception hall too?  Intermingling intimately and inseparably with the permeating purple banners and pink lotuses? Just like the men themselves?  

For the last five years living on the road with Lan Zhan, Wei Wuxian was content with his life. He felt that he had everything he ever wanted: a spouse who loved him to utter distraction and the world for them to explore, free from responsibility and societal expectations. They never needed anyone. 

But Wei Wuxian was wrong because Lan Zhan needed his family. He needed his home and his security. How could Wei Wuxian ever refuse that?

Here finally in Cloud Recesses, Lan Zhan had been spending more time with Zewu-Jun and Lan-Shifu, determined to make up the lost time, while Wei Wuxian had found himself spending more time by himself. Five-year of absence had made him a stranger in his husband’s home. Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi were now twenty-five years old and he had been gone longer in their lives than he had been in it that oftentimes, their conversations were cut short with awkward pauses. The haze of admiration was long gone in their eyes, only the ordinary respect for the elders remained. The other disciples only knew him as either the former Yiling Patriarch, exonerated from his crimes by his marriage to Hanguang-Jun, or the person who had eloped with Hanguang-Jun for five years. 

Wei Wuxian tried not to begrudge Lan Zhan for deciding to come home. But he wished he was still on the road, and not tied to a sect that felt so foreign to him. 

It wasn’t just the Cloud Recesses that felt foreign to him. Jiang Cheng felt foreign to him too, even more than when he was first resurrected and not knowing where he stood with Jiang Cheng. Now, Wei Wuxian couldn’t even find the first word to say the person who had stayed with him longer than anybody in this world. They had become strangers to each other.

Since that day they had returned to Cloud Recesses, Wei Wuxian didn’t get the chance to talk to Jiang Cheng. Zewu-Jun’s words still echoed loudly in his mind. He couldn’t accept that all that he thought he knew about Jiang Cheng was wrong, that it was him all along who didn’t see Jiang Cheng and not Jiang Cheng who didn’t see his family.

…if you had foolishly mistaken his grief for hatred, his relentlessness for competitiveness, his rage for vindictiveness and his insecurity for bitterness, then, you had never, ever known him at all… Zewu-Jun had said that day.

Wei Wuxian recalled their childhood and with Zewu-Jun’s words reverberating in his mind, he was seeing his memory in an entirely new light. Each of Jiang Cheng’s anger he remembered, now he could only see the hurt rather than hatred. Each of Jiang Cheng’s scowls every time Wei Wuxian beat him in any tests, training or competition, now he saw the relentless need to make his parents see him. And to make the matter worse, Wei Wuxian remembered the way he had dismissed Jiang Cheng at the rare times Jiang Cheng came to him, saying repetitively that no parents didn’t love their children. 

It was weeks before Wei Wuxian finally admitted that he might don’t know Jiang Cheng at all. And his heart twisted painfully, finally realising how easily he had judged and cast away Jiang Cheng – the one who had amazingly loved Wei Wuxian despite the circumstances he was put in.

Five years.

It took five years. For the first time, Wei Wuxian wanted to go to Jiang Cheng. For the first time he wanted to stop running and hiding. 

Heart resolved, he went to look for Jiang Cheng, only to come across Jiang Cheng holding A-Ju in his arms as Nie Huaisang making faces at the baby, A-Jun giggled – his pink cheeks puffed and his violet eyes twinkled.

Wei Wuxian stopped short at the first sight of Nie Huaisang in six years. The last time Wei Wuxian saw Nie Huaisang, he saw the glimpse of an incredibly clever mind in those feigning hazel eyes. The Headshaker was only a ruse to catch Lianfang-zun unaware and the long game played by Nie Huaisang paid off when Zewu-Jun stabbed his sword into Lianfang-zun’s body. 

How did Zewu-Jun and Nie Huaisang get past such an event between them when Wei Wuxian couldn’t even talk to Jiang Cheng? The ache in his chest twisted further and more painful.He had missed out so much.

“Mingjue-er is so cute!” Nie Huaisang cooed as he tickled A-Ju’s ears and armpits, causing the baby to snort laughter. “Did you miss your xiao shushu? I know you did!” The small man laughed delightedly when A-Ju tried to wiggle out of his father’s arms to reach out for him. A-Ju might look like A-Cheng, but his tenacity reminded Nie Huaisang so much of his own brother. A-Ju did live up to his namesake.

Jiang Wanyin merely looked exasperated at Nie Huaisang’s antics. “Huaisang-ge, A-Ju couldn’t possibly play all the things you brought. You know that A-Ju is only going to tear apart the paper parchment and the ink set.” 

Nie Huaisang clapped his hands to coax A-Ju into his arms and Jiang Wanyin let A-Ju go before he wailed. A-Ju immediately grabbed a handful of Nie Huaisang’s hair and buried his face into it. In return, Nie Huaisang nuzzled his nose into the baby’s soft hair and replied, “If that’s how A-Ju wants to play, why not?” He smiled gently.

“You spoiled him too much.” Jiang Wanyin groused with his hands on his hips. “If he threw his first tantrum, I’m blaming you!”

“Excuse me, but have you forgotten A-Ju’s one-month ceremony? Lan-Shifu forgot his 4000 rules and threw an extravagance party!” Nie Huaisang looked affronted. “

“And you also practically hauled that gold and silver gilded oak crib across the lake!” Jiang Wanyin reminded Nie Huaisang..

“The gold is Jin Lin’s idea!” Nie Huaisang sniffed. “Was I supposed to say no at such a good idea?”

Jiang Wanyin was about to pull his hair in frustration. “The point is not to compete! It’s for all of you to learn moderation!”

“A-Cheng… calm down. You’re going to have wrinkles on your pretty face if you keep getting irritated at every small thing,” Nie Huaisang patted Jiang Cheng’s head as if Jiang Cheng didn’t tower over him. Then, he bounced A-Ju in his hands as he whisked the baby away. “Come on, Mingjue-er, let your xiao shushu take you away from your temperamental baba. Do you want to go and see birds? Shushu knows a lot about birds!”

Jiang Wanyin merely shook his head as he watched his close friend baby-talk A-Ju as he walked away. While all these spoilings were making him annoyed, he was glad to see Nie Huaisang had come back to the one he knew before, without clueless masks and cold fury. 

He was glad to see Nie Huaisang happy. Plus, A-Ju could never have too many people doting on him. Jiang Wanyin wanted A-Ju to be loved in the way Jiang Wanyin had never been before. He never wanted A-Ju to feel hungry for love that was never going to come.

Then, he stiffened when he felt someone approach him. He turned around and his eyes widened when he saw Wei Wuxian. For a while they just stared at each other.

“Um- I bought a blanket for A-Ju,” Wei Wuxian said.

“What are you doing here?” Jiang Wanyin said at the same time.

Both of them stared wordlessly at each other before Jiang Wanyin sighed quietly. “A blanket for A-Ju?” Wei Wuxian nodded his head. 

A-Ju had too many blankets already – with doting grandfather like Lan-Shifu and indulging godfather like Nie Huaisang, Jiang Wanyin knew Lan Mingjue would never be lacking of anything ever. His son already had the backing of the powerful people from prominent sects. But still, he held out his hand tentatively for the piece of fabric. “Thank you,” Jiang Wanyin slowly folded the blanket and put it on the nearest table inside. Then he turned back towards the smaller man outside once again.

The silence that followed after was oppressing.

“H- how are you doing, Jiang Cheng?” Wei Wuxian said eventually. Sweat of nervousness began to bead at the back of his neck. He was beginning to think that this was a bad idea. 

“I’m well.” Jiang Wanyin replied with an even voice. 

Wei Wuxian searched for any sliver of emotion on Jiang Cheng’s face. Before, whenever they met, Wei Wuxian thought he could read the emotions so freely expressed on that honest face. He would know if Jiang Cheng was sad or angry or simply spiteful. But now, the five-year separation had changed Jiang Cheng to the point Wei Wuxian didn’t recognise him anymore. “So, you’re married to Zewu-Jun, huh?” He tried to grin, hoping his humour could dispel this uncomfortable air between them.

“Yes,” Jiang Wanyin said slowly, uncertain where Wei Wuxian was steering this conversation. 

“Did it take long for Lan Qiren to agree?” He chuckled. Wei Wuxian remembered all of Lan Qiren’s disapproval faces directed to him before they left Cloud Recesses. The old man really hated cut-sleeves. It was hilarious sometimes. The deeper the disapproval was, the more Wei Wuxian wanted to flaunt himself to Lan Qiren. He wondered how Lan Qiren had reacted when he first knew both of his nephews were cut-sleeves. 

“What do you mean?”

“When he first knew about Lan Zhan and I, Lan Qiren wasn’t thrilled. He kept throwing me looks of disapproval and disappointment as if I was the one who corrupted Lan Zhan. If only he knew Lan Zhan was the one who chased me down!” Wei Wuxian chortled. 

Jiang Wanyin smiled in reminiscence. “He was the one who insisted Xichen-ge to go official courtship with me first before we were allowed to get married. He also the one demanding the Gusu Lan elders to accept our marriage. ”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes bulged out. “Truly? Doesn’t Lan Qiren hate cut-sleeves?!”

“Regardless of what you think about Lan-shifu,” Jiang Wanyin said with a slight frown. “He was never a bigot. You did have a reputation when we studied in Cloud Recesses during our youth. And then, you went down the route of demonic cultivation. You know how Lan-shifu feels about that.”

“I didn’t choose that route,” Wei Wuxian said sharply, all traces of his attempted humour was gone. “I didn’t have any choice.”

Jiang Wanyin’s jaw rippled. “I didn’t ask to be lied to, either. I didn’t ask for such violation to happen to me by the person I had trusted at my most vulnerable time.” He said quietly; Lan Xichen’s influence was tempering his rage and sharp tongue. “For a long time I felt so worthless, so bitter and enraged to be deceived so unsuspectingly. I had believed you, Wei Wuxian, that if you said that the stars are falling down, I would have run for cover.”

Wei Wuxian staggered a step back. This was the closest they had ever talked about the biggest elephant in the room and he began to feel the old age panic. The urge to run away intensified. Of all the things he had wanted to talk about with Jiang Cheng, the issue of the golden core was never one of them.

“You were my shixiong. The most talented of all. The one who saw the path even when the fog surrounded us. The one whom I had shared half of my life with. Why would I ever doubt your story?”

“Jiang Cheng…” Tears clogged in Wei Wuxian’s throat.

“But-“ Jiang Wanyin continued tiredly. “I have made my peace about it. It gave me A-Ju; the miracle I didn’t know I wanted, and there is nothing we could do to turn back the time.”

Wei Wuxian said pleadingly. “Jiang Cheng, whatever I did in the past, I did it because I think that is the best thing for you and the best route we could take at the situation we were in.” 

Jiang Wanyin felt drained. It had been five years and he marvelled at how much Wei Wuxian could still hurt him. The knowledge that Wei Wuxian had never thought of waiting for him to process the trauma he went through and then talk to him upfront about the core showed how little Wei Wuxian regarded him. He had rather lied to Jiang Wanyin so blatantly, conspiring with the Wens and allowing the lie to stay with him for almost twenty years.

Whatever bond that they had when they were young was destroyed by this deception. And now, Wei Wuxian showed no remorse for lying, thinking that he was still in the right. Jiang Wanyin knew the time of reconciliation was over.

Jiang Wanyin was too burned to ever reach out for Wei Wuxian anymore. 

“Whatever your reason is, it doesn’t erase the fact I was lied to. I was given something that I didn’t consent to,” Jiang Wanyin looked at Wei Wuxian. “Do you know the feeling of hating something so viscerally within you? I can’t take it out, I can’t run away from it and every pump of my blood feeds into this hateful thing inside of me.”

Wei Wuxian flinched so violently at the knowledge his core was hated by Jiang Wanyin. The one thing that he thought could repay all his debts to the Jiang family, was the only one thing Jiang Wanyin didn’t want.

“When I found out that I was pregnant because of the core, I was afraid at first. Afraid that my hatred to this core would somehow be translated to the A-Ju. There were times when I thought I couldn’t get through this pregnancy, fearing my baby would turn out like me. But Xichen-ge persisted. He loved me despite me being unable to love myself, teaching the ways out of this miserable state I was perpetually in.” Jiang Wanyin’s violet eyes glistened at the remembrance of Lan Xichen boundless patience and love. “And when A-Ju was finally put in my arms after hours of pain and suffering, I realised that I couldn’t live with this hate anymore. My husband and my son deserve my love more than my hate for the past that was filled with ghosts and demons.”

For the first time, Wei Wuxian finally saw the magnitude of his actions. The good intention that he thought he had was vastly outweighed by the pain he had put upon Jiang Wanyin. How could he ever think he had paid Jiang Wanyin his debts? He had betrayed Jiang Wanyin’s love and he had broken Jiang Wanyin’s trust. Nothing he said would ever undo his deeds.

“Jiang Cheng… what can I do to-“ To what? Wei Wuxian asked himself. To regain the trust? He had run away for five years.

“Nothing,” Jiang Wanyin said softly. “I’ve moved on from our brotherhood.”

“But-“ Strangers? Jiang Wanyin wanted them to be strangers ? Wei Wuxian’s heart ached and bled at the realisation he had lost his chance due to his own cowardice.

“Maybe it’s time for you to move on too.” Jiang Wanyin curved up a small sad smile before turning around and walked into Hanshi quietly. 

-----

Three days after his confrontation with Jiang Wanyin, Wei Wuxian had been walking around the Cloud Recesses aimlessly. There was a deep hollow in his heart and it made him wonder. For five years they were in exile, Wei Wuxian rarely thought of Jiang Cheng, so why did Jiang Cheng’s words make his heart feel so empty? Was it because for five years, Wei Wuxian had subconsciously thought he could easily come back to Jiang Cheng; that he had all the time in the world; and that Jiang Cheng would always run after him if he was given half the chance?

If that was so, then how arrogant he had been, taking Jiang Cheng’s presence for granted. His self-grandeur was so big that he thought Jiang Cheng would wait for him forever. Now that he had lost Jiang Cheng, the invisible anchor that he didn’t know was grounding him was gone and Wei Wuxian was left weightless and restless. 

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

The sound of Lan Xichen’s deep voice got Wei Wuxian to stop in his musing and in his tracks. He looked up and he saw that Lan Xichen wasn’t talking to him, rather he was talking to someone else. Half-hidden behind a tree, Wei Wuxian’s presence remained unnoticed.

Under the falling leaves of cherry blossom, Jiang Wanyin sat on the blanket cross-legged with A-Ju laid asleep soundly in his father’s lap. In front of them was a spread of half-eaten food and books scattered around Jiang Wanyin.

At the sound of his husband’s voice, Jiang Wanyin raised his head up from the book that he was reading and the usual stern lines on his mouth softened into a sweet smile. His face was radiant and flushed pink from the cool Gusu sun. “Huan-ge..”

During the five-week duration, Wei Wuxian had seen Jiang Cheng interact with Zewu-Jun and Lan-shifu. Jiang Cheng wore expressions that he had never seen when he was growing up Jiang Cheng. And now, he saw Jiang Cheng smiling up at his husband, he still couldn’t get over that expression on Jiang Cheng’s face. He had never known Jiang Cheng could look that happy and so in love .

He had always thought Jiang Cheng had no love in his heart.

How wrong he had been!

Lan Xichen knelt beside him to press a lingering kiss on his forehead. “I missed you in Hanshi.” Lan Xichen murmured.

Jiang Wanyin chuckled. “A-Ju was restless. And I don’t want to bother fuqin. He’s been taking care of A-Ju too much recently with me being busy at Lotus Pier for the past week handling the problem with the disciples.”

“You do know shufu is ecstatic each time you come to him for assistance, right?”

“But it doesn’t mean I should take advantage of his kindness.” Jiang Wanyin protested.

“Wanyin, sometimes I think shufu loves you more than his nephews.” Lan Xichen teased. “I still remember the first time you called him fuqin. I swear I saw tears in his eyes.”

Jiang Wanyin looked down, abashed but the small smile on his face told Wei Wuxian just how much old man Lan meant to him.

Wei Wuxian couldn’t relate though; Lan Qiren hated him ever since he was a student here and until now, his presence was merely tolerated because he was married to Lan Wangji. He didn’t understand how Jiang Cheng could call Lan Qiren ‘fuqin’ and easily replace his own father.

Wasn’t that unfilial ?

See, Wei Wuxian had always cared for Jiang Fengmian. He was his benefactor and had sheltered him when he was left abandoned in the street. He had also cheered for Wei Wuxian’s smallest achievements and he had always made him feel like he belonged to the Jiang family. Wei Wuxian owed him an immeasurable debt, which was what spurred him to give his core to Jiang Cheng in the first place. Wei Wuxian couldn’t understand why Jiang Cheng didn’t feel the same towards his own father?

This wasn’t the first time he wondered how Jiang Cheng turned out so different from his gentle and kind father. A small smirk appeared on his face; perhaps that was why he could get along so well with Lan Qiren, considering he was too similar to him – stern, anal-retentive and so hard to please.

“Have you eaten, Huan-ge?” Jiang Wanyin asked, pulling Wei Wuxian from his musing. “I thought you would be too busy with your sect affairs, so I took an early lunch with A-Ju. If I knew you had time to have lunch with us, we would've waited for you.”

“It’s okay, my heart, I’ll have some later.” Lan Xichen lay down across the blanket to put his head in Wanyin’s lap, beside sleeping A-Ju. “Put A-Ju down, my heart,” he coaxed. “Come and tend your needy husband.”  

Jiang Wanyin scoffed and rolled his eyes, but still, he obeyed. He gently put A-Ju in his bassinet, tucking extra blankets over so A-Ju didn’t get a cold draft. Then, he re-arranged himself so Lan Xichen could rest more comfortably in his lap.

Lan Xichen looked up. He raised his hand to caress Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks and lips. “You look tired. Is the situation at Lotus Pier that serious?”

“I’m okay,” Jiang Wanyin insisted. “This is nothing compared to when I was just starting to rebuild the Lotus Pier. Back then, I persisted even though half the time I felt like I was drowning, especially when with my sect’s ruined reputation and weak foundation from having a leader too young and a head disciple too unruly.” 

Wei Wuxian blinked – Jiang Cheng felt like that? Drowning? Why hadn’t he seen it back then? Then, he paused before ruefully admitting that he wouldn’t be able to see anything beyond what was under his nose, not when he was so corrupted by the demonic cultivation that he insisted on practicing. Back then, Wei Wuxian only felt perpetually rage simmering under his skin, waiting to explode at the slightest provocation.

Jiang Cheng sighed. “Not to mention that horrible period after A-Jie died; I swore the reason I kept dragging on was just to spite those sects who looked down on Lotus Pier.”

“And to see Jin Ling grow up too, right?” Lan Xichen teased. “Because I would shudder to think that my husband is made up entirely out of spite and rage.”

“I was made up of spite,” Jiang Wanyin smiled widely. “And barbs and ten-feet wall and a moat. Literal moat .”

Lan Xichen laughed.

Jiang Wanyin’s eyes softened as he looked down at his husband. Wonder in his voice as he whispered low, “But you had loved me anyway.”  

“I still do, my heart. I don’t think I can ever stop.” Lan Xichen replied gently. He, then, grinned when he saw the faint flushes painted on Jiang Cheng’s cheeks.

“Sap.” Jiang Cheng grumbled.

Oh- Wei Wuxian realised with a start. It wasn’t love that unearthed this unknown side of Jiang Cheng. Wei Wuxian had had Jiang Cheng’s love before. What he didn’t have now was Jiang Cheng’s trust . Not the shallow one, but the one that was deep, abiding and reciprocated. 

The one that Wei Wuxian had lost a long, long time ago. 

This unknown gentleness was the result of Jiang Cheng’s steadfast trust in Lan Xichen that could only come from years of facing the odds and obstacles together . Lan Xichen surely had stood by Jiang Cheng -  a feat that Wei Wuxian couldn’t do. Lan Xichen had chosen Jiang Wanyin, had loved him, had supported him, had included him… and most of all, Lan Xichen had trusted Jiang Cheng. 

Wei Wuxian didn’t trust Jiang Cheng enough – that was why he did the unforgivable behind Jiang Cheng’s back.

The ease of the conversation between Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng showed that nothing was hidden between them; there were no lies and no secrets lingered – unlike the relationship Wei Wuxian had with Jiang Cheng. Despite him claiming that he knew Jiang Cheng the best because he grew up with him, Wei Wuxian couldn’t imagine having this kind of conversation with Jiang Cheng. 

Then, Wei Wuxian recalled that day Jiang Cheng had left to seek his revenge on the Wen. If Jiang Cheng had told him of his foolish plan, Wei Wuxian would have stopped him and he wouldn’t have needed to give his core to Jiang Cheng. Making rash, reckless decisions was Wei Wuxian’s forte; he still didn’t understand what spurred Jiang Cheng to go back to Lotus Pier that night. But Jiang Cheng did. And he lost his core. And Wei Wuxian had to be the one saving him by giving up his core. So, what was a bit of a little white lie compared to the fact that Wei Wuxian had saved his life and gave him the needed tool to restore his sect?

Wei Wuxian’s internal monologue halted when he heard Jiang Cheng’s laughter. He looked up and saw Jiang Cheng bend his head low to press a fond kiss on Lan Xichen’s forehead. Lan Xichen took the advantage to redirect the kiss to his own lips as he strained his neck upwards. But there was nothing lewd in that kiss; it was simply an act between a pair of cultivation partners who shared unfathomable depth of affection to each other.

The scenery in front of him was so intimate that Wei Wuxian almost felt like an intruder.

“It’s hard for me to recall how it had felt before all this. Now that I have you and fuqin, I don’t know how I got by all by myself all those years ago. Both of you give me a family I’d never known. I know I can always turn to both of you if I ever need anything.” Jiang Wanyin ran his fingers reverently along the white ribbon that had spilled forwards over his own shoulder.

“After years being adrift, I’d never thought I would ever have this kind of security.”

“You’re mine, Wanyin, and I keep what is mine very close to me.”

“A bit too close, sometimes,” Jiang Wanyin arched his eyebrows.

“But often not close enough,” Lan Xichen growled as he flipped Jiang Wanyin onto his back and loomed over him. Whatever protest Jiang Wanyin wanted to say was muffled by Lan Xichen as the taller man resumed their kiss while A-Ju lay sleeping obliviously in his bassinet. This time the sweetness was gone; the kiss was filled with such hunger and desire that it left Wei Wuxian hot and bothered.

He had never known how pretty and how precious Jiang Cheng looked, being caged between Lan Xichen’s strong arms. 

Protected. Cherished. Treasured.

Underneath the rage and bitterness, Wei Wuxian had never known Jiang Cheng would be like this. If he hadn’t lied to Jiang Cheng, would he be where Lan Xichen was? Wei Wuxian blinked unshed tears away from his eyes. His chances had gone and he had no one to blame but himself. So, he slowly slinked away, heart aching. 

Whatever the reason Jiang Cheng had to go back to Lotus Pier that day, Jiang Cheng was right. It doesn’t matter anymore because no matter who was right or wrong, the circumstances had brought them to this stage of their lives. They had fallen out. The bridge was burned beyond repair. He had made sure of that when he turned away from Jiang Cheng that night at Guanyin Temple. 

He had thought he had everything he wanted; Lan Zhan and the wide expanse of the world for them to travel together. He thought all he needed to do was to leave the past to the past and unshackled himself from it. Only now he understood why Lan Zhan wanted to come to Cloud Recesses.

A bird was only the freest if it had a nest to come back to.

No matter how far Wei Wuxian ran away, or how fast he moved, or with whom he travelled, in the deepest part of his heart, he would always yearn for a family, a home and the security that came with it.

Lan Zhan came back looking for his family. He came back for the root that grounded him; the safety net to catch him whenever he was too exhausted.

Deep down, Wei Wuxian wanted that too.

He wanted his childhood home – the security that was Jiang Cheng; who, unlike Lan Zhan, had no qualm to call out his bullshit, his arrogance and his reckless plans. They might harbour lies and secrets from each other but Jiang Cheng – Wei Wuxian pushed down the throbbing ache in his heart – was his childhood home and his first taste of security.

All their lives, Jiang Cheng had never left him alone or let him go.

Not until he had made Jin Ling an orphan in the matter of days. 

Not until he had forced him to accept a core that he hadn’t consented.

Not until he had said to leave everything in the past after Jiang Cheng had poured his heart out to him.

Looking back, Wei Wuxian morosely wondered if Jiang Cheng would ever want him in his life ever again? Just like before? 

However, he knew that if he were in Jiang Cheng’s shoes… he didn’t think he could. Not when Jiang Cheng already had everything he wanted – a devoted spouse, a loving father-in-law, a miraculous son and a salvaged friendship with Nie Huaisang.

Jiang Cheng had a home. And Wei Wuxian didn’t. 

He knew the past was already deeply buried in the past and there was nothing Wei Wuxian could do to change it anymore. He had buried their brotherhood when he walked away that night at Guanyin Temple.

Perhaps all chances of reconciliation were already gone.

THE END