Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I heard a timid knock on my door. I opened it to see Naruto asking to enter.

The boy sat on my couch. His face was a little red, with sweat on his forehead. His breathing was a little labored even though he tried to control it. I'm sure he was running.

"Naruto what happened?" It had been nearly two months since we had that conversation. Naruto was fine, albeit a little distant.

"Sensei. You told me I could come here if I thinking about kill myself, right?" I blinked in surprise but shook my head with a smile.

"Yes. I'm proud of you for coming to talk to me. I know how hard it is to muster the courage to admit something is wrong." I said bringing him tea.

He started to cry. I do not know what happened. He took a pot from her hand. I picked it up and froze.

It was an empty aspirin bottle.

"how many did you get?" I felt my heart plummet to my stomach when I heard him say 'fifty'.

I got up and walked towards him. His face was empty of emotions as I picked him up bridal style and started going to the hospital.

"Emergency," I yelled to the front desk nurse, "Uzumaki Naruto, 14 years old. Attempted suicide by aspirin overdose. He took about 50." I put the boy on the stretcher. His eyes were closed and he had a pained expression as the nurses took him to an emergency room.

Chapter Text

My head felt light as the nurses moved my bed. I heard them saying a lot of different things.

"We need to wash the stomach"

"someone bring the nasogatric tube"

"Someone call Shizune-senpai"

"take off his jacket, please"

I felt them unzip my jacket and throw it in the corner of the room.

"Do you see that? We need to bandage the cuts later."

"Someone plugs into an IV"

A needle pierced my hand.

"Shizune-senpai, he took about 50 aspirins, according to information from Hatake-san"

"put it in position for me to start washing"

I opened my eyes to see Shizune in front of me holding a thin tube.

"Naruto, honey, it's Shizune. I'm going to need to insert this tube in your nose. You need to follow my instructions, okay?" I nodded through the fog that was my mind.

The nurses sat me down and Shizune measured the tube. She placed it in my left nostril and started pushing.

I started to struggle when I felt the tube hit my throat. "No Naruto, I need you not to fight this. Drink some of the water. This should make you more comfortable" I felt a cold straw against my lips and complied.

I swallowed small gulps of water as she pushed everything away. I felt it touch my stomach and she started filling the IV tube with a syringe.

The sucking noise was horrible as she pulled the contents of my stomach. I heard her sigh as I moaned in discomfort.

When she was finished, the tube was gently removed from my nose. I coughed as the tip of it grazed my throat. She whispered reassurances that everything was fine as she patted my head.

I was still dizzy and dying of sleep. All this movement made me nauseous and my arms ached from the cuts that had reopened during the run.

I closed my eyes in an attempt to block out the light. The sway my bed made as it moved made me feel safe, like I was a baby being rocked by its mother.

The last thing I heard before falling asleep was Iruka-sensei's worried voice asking how I was doing.

Chapter Text

The sound of the heart monitor woke me up. I was lying in a hospital bed, sunlight streaming in through the cracks in the curtain.

I rose slightly, pulling myself into a half-sitting position. I wore a hospital gown. My wrists and legs were bandaged to cover the most recent cuts. The skin not covered by the gown or bandages was covered with scars.

I had an IV in my left hand, a seal near the needle. All the corners of the bed had little protective rubbers, like the ones used by babies. The light was not on the ceiling, but glued to the side walls.

I noticed that the sides of the bed had little handles and got it. This was no ordinary hospital room. It was for mentally unstable people who couldn't stay in the psych ward for physical medical emergencies.

Damn, I screwed up. I didn't try to kill myself, I guess. Everything got confused, I got a headache and started taking the pills. I could not help it. Only after I realized it was practically a suicide attempt.

Frankly, I didn't really care. It was not my intention to die, but I was at peace with myself. That's when I remembered the conversation with Kakashi-sensei.

"Naruto?" a hesitant voice spoke beside me. I turned my head to see Iruka sitting in an armchair to one side. Beside it was a blue, a yellow, and a red button. I wonder what these buttons are for. Maybe mixing more than one gives a nice color. I could squeeze out red and yellow and make orange. My favorite color.

"Naruto, are you alright? I'm going to call Tsunade-sama" he said pressing the blue button. Was that what blue was for?

On second thought, it looked like my jacket's color combination. Reder yellow makes orange, and has blue accents. Though, if you mix it up, it's brown. Like Kiba's, Neji's, Tenten's hair, brown, by Iruka sensei, etc. I don't like brown color very much, but brown peoples are fantastic. People of any hair color are, aren't they?

"Uzumaki Naruto! What do you think you were doing?" Sakura's voice pink hair. The only pink hair I know of. There should be more since it's such a pretty color. But I think its beauty comes from its rarity "I was helping Lady Tsunade with surgery when Shizune said that you tried to kill yourself!" she cried as she hugged me.

I wanted to be able to reciprocate. I really wanted to smile, or cry, or show any emotion. But I could not. It was like I fell asleep awake. My emotions (my facial expressions too) were turned off. Ripped out of the socket I could rip this IV off. I can rip these bandages off and I can rip this gown out of the hospital. I can rip myself out of here. Out of this hospital. Out of this village. Out of this country. Out of this world. Out of this life

I didn't have a cold expression (there were no hidden malice), I just wasn't. I live feeling like this. It's like I'm a pumpkin and my stuffing has been totally emptied I don't know where my stuffing is. It probably stank and they threw it away. Hopefully they made a pie out of it.

My empty shell didn't have the strength to smile maybe I should carve a smile on my face like halloween pumpkins. I can use a kunai. Or a kitchen knife. Or scissors. 

Sakura and Iruka seem to have realized this, as they looked at Tsunade-Baa-Chan with a look of mild panic, looking for answers.

She sighed "He must still be in shock. It's common after an incident like this. I think we'd better wait for the psychologist to come do the assessment."

"Are you listening to me, lord uzumaki?"

I looked out the window, enjoying the birds flying. They were a pair of mourning doves. I watched them fly back and forth.

"Mister Uzumaki? Are you alright?"

I saw a yellow cat (whom I affectionately called 'beer') resting on the fence before heading out to find food.

"Mister Uzumaki? Naruto?!"

That was enough to snap me out of my trance. I looked over at my psychiatrist, a Yamanaka named Akemi, who was looking at me with a frown. The doctor's dark skin matched stupidly well with her light blond hair.

"What? Sorry, I didn't hear," I whispered in a husky, distant voice, my eyes darting around the room. I haven't been allowed out of my room yet.

My blue eyes met his blue-gray eyes. The fringe of my blond hair fell over my left eye. His smile is full of understanding and patience (all I don't have).

"We were talking about your relationship with this village. How would you describe it?" she asked getting straight to the point like I hadn't disfellowshipped in the last 5 minutes.

I stared at her a little before sighing "This village is like a mother. You know, most mothers will tell you never to touch matches or the stove. To stay away from fire and extreme heat. But there are others who will. drag you there. They'll smile when they see your fingers turn red from the flames.” I finished the speech by looking into her eyes.

Her frown deepened slightly. I thought it was fair considering it was the first time I was so open about how I felt.

"What about your self-image? Could you describe it?"

“I feel like a puppet in a child's play.

I must be flashy, different, funny.

The only goal in my life is to attract the public's attention.

If I don't get enough attention, the kids will get bored and the show will sink.

I don't want the show to end because of me." I sighed.

“I want to get out of these bodies. He's ugly, fat, limited.

I just hate this body. I feel weird.

I want to cut, slice, maim, decorate.

I want to have pretty, straight scars adorning the curves of my wrists.

I want to have collarbones so prominent that the mermaids of my dreams can swim in them.

I want to have hips so sharp they threaten to cut my skin, leaving a beautiful shade of purple" why is it always purple? It could be orange, it would be much prettier

"I want to get rid of those eyes. They never see anything. They're ordinary, unwanted, they give me a headache. They're a shitty crappy video camera. I just want to stop everything." There were tears on my face as I unburdened myself.

"That's why you tried to kill yourself-" she started, but I cut her off. "I didn't try to kill myself."

"Naruto" she looked into my eyes "You took an entire bottle of aspirin.

"I had a headache," she said simply. That subject seemed to end here.

"I see" Akemi said writing on the clipboard. For a reason I don't even know, I felt a wave of anger fill me.

"No, you don't! Obviously you're not and have never been a 14-year-old Jinchuuriki! I don't know anything about you, I don't even know your age, but it's obvious that life has been much kinder to you than to me. " the anger faded, giving way to emptiness.

"Tell me, have you ever mistaken a dream for reality? Or stole something when you had money to buy it? Ever felt sad for no reason? Or thought you were standing still while everything around you was moving, even if you were running into An empty place. Are you confused all the time? Damn, I don't even know if I tried to kill myself or not. I was trying to end the pain, whether internal or external, I don't know." All my energies were expended on this explosion. My eyelids grew heavy as the weight of those days fell on my shoulders.

"I think we're done here. I'll talk to the hokage about our next session," she got up and left.

Yes, this would be a terrible week.

"Okay, Naruto, we need to talk about what's going to happen now." Tsunade told me pulling out the chair to talk to me.

It had been a week since the incident and I would be released the next day. I had meetings with Ms. Akemi every day.

Iruka took my hand while Kakashi remained impassive in the background. Tsunade sighed as she pulled out a clipboard.

"The psychologist didn't go into the details of her sessions as it's forbidden by law to tell me if you're not a danger. I'll list what she's said so far," she put on her reading glasses.

"Well, she said that you seem to have self-destructive behavior and a tendency to snap out of reality. You seem to have eating problems, judging from what you said, from what I've seen watching you. Your mood seems unpredictable and you don't know if it does tried or not to kill herself. " she said all this looking into my eyes. I lowered my embarrassed gaze upon hearing Iruka-sensei's sigh.

"We need to decide if we're going to put you in the psych ward or if you'll be monitored at home."

It took me a long time to convince her that I could go home.

Jiraiya, Iruka-sensei, Kakashi-sensei and I were in the hokage's office while Tsunade looked at a medical clipboard.

It had been a month since I was discharged from the hospital and Tsunade-Baa-Chan said that Ms. Akemi had arrived at my diagnosis.

"Well Naruto, how are you on meds adjustment?" she asked me, but it was Iruka-sensei who answered.

“I myself guarantee he's taking it every day” I started taking Prozac, an antidepressant. Iruka only kept one pack in our house (it's impossible to die with just one pack of Prozac so I wouldn't overdose). I was away from my ninja work, so I stayed at home training without weapons and reading.

"Naruto, from what we've seen, you have so-called BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, or BPD," she said in her uniform doctor tone.

Borderline. So is this what was wrong with me? Well, at least they knew how to help me.

Sometimes it's good to ask for help