Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

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What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?
With your hair falling into place like dominoes
My mind turns your life into folklore
I can't dare to dream about you anymore.

                                             ^

“Mr. Blake, I see we are making our visits a weekly ritual,” Principle Diyoza says as Bellamy steps into her office, a skinny student he’d never seen before running from the office as soon as he steps in. He is used to the other students running the other way when he approaches.

“Only so we can have these wonderful moments together,” he smirks and she rolls her eyes. He has a way of charming his way out of trouble - it always works for him.

“Heard you scared a kid into peeing himself, exposed yourself in the cafeteria, set the janitor’s room on fire,” she sighs throwing the clipboard she was reading from on her desk as she flickers her hard stare at him “And it’s only 10am, that must be a new record for you,” she cocks her head to the side exasperated.

He lets out a small chuckle. Every day at least five crazy things are made up about him and lucky for him principle Diyoza knows most of it is bullshit. “I didn’t do any of those things”

She raises an incredulous brow at him,, crossing her arms across her chest “Any of them?” She always looks so intimidating in her power suits and high pony.

He scoffs rolling his eyes. “The kid peeing himself wasn’t my fault, I just sat next to him on the bleachers.”

“Watching the cheerleaders practice?” she asks accusatory with a playful tone. “Don’t smirk Mr. Blake.”

“I wasn’t watching them practice,” he tries to bite back a smirk as he runs a hand through his curls that are definitely due for a haircut. “Some were watching me, though. Not that I blame them some girls have a thing for dangerous guys.”

Truth be told, he didn't know that the cheerleaders would be practicing today otherwise he would have found another place to read his book, anything to avoid his ex who happens to be cheerleader captain.

“How long are you going to play this character?” the playfulness in her tone has dissipated and that catches him off guard. Honestly Bellamy expected to be hated by the principal. He is sent here more than any other student but for some reason she sees right through the bullshit. She also happens to know a few things that go on in his personal life, and he guesses that is the reason she cuts him a break.

He sighs, trying to seem unaffected. “Play what character?” He is only met with a knowing stare.

“That will be all Mr. Blake” she says exasperatedly.

He nods, leaving the office.

Bellamy decided to play into the character that was enforced on him. He isn’t the school’s heartthrob - no, that would be Ryker, no brains only hair as one of his only two friends Raven would call him. The girls and boys at Arkadia high do swoon over Bellamy though, because they want to be part of his dangerous life not because they actually like him. He’s good looking - even he knows that, and that is why the jocks are intimidated by him.

He is the guy that never smiles, and has a million rumors following him that he doesn’t shut down. Why would he? People stay out of his way and he likes that. He shoves his extra books in his locker when he feels a hand clap on his shoulder “Is that a new shade of black you’ve got over there” Miller teases and Bellamy rolls his eyes. He slams the locker shut and leans on it.

Miller is with another guy Bellamy has never seen before. He is a tall, black guy, clearly a new student. “Yes I call this one Devil black,” he smirks.

“You’re not funny,” Miller sighs, shaking his head. “It wouldn’t kill you to put on another color.” He turns to the new guy. “Gabriel, this is my best friend Bellamy Blake, get used to only ever seeing him in Black. I’m talking black shirt, black jeans…”

“Sometimes black cargo pants - I make them look good.” Bellamy smirks with a wink.

“Like I said… you’re not funny. Black cargo pants and black boots and the black hair makes him look like he is in some biker gang especially when he throws on his black jacket.”

Gabriel's eyes run over Bellamy's body slowly the side of his lip curling up “You look good in black.” Gabriel says, sultry, clearly checking him out.

Bellamy turns to Miller with a raised brow. “Okay then, I’m done here.” Bellamy makes an attempt to leave but Miller stops him. It’s not like he is uncomfortable that a guy was flirting with him. He has dated a guy before - well more of a friend with benefits. Dax wasn’t a relationship guy either. It’s simply that Bellamy doesn’t date. He tried that during the summer and the pieces of his broken heart are still scattered on his driveway where his ex broke up with him.

Speaking of, a wave of blond curls catches his peripheral vision. She walks past him with Ryker’s arm around her shoulder. She’s in her short red and black plaid skirt, black top, ankle boots that draw attention to her beautiful legs and as much as he knows how much she hates him he can’t help but stare.

She stands up on her tiptoes kissing Ryker and he wants to hit a fucking wall. Midway through her kiss she opens her eyes looking at Bellamy over Ryker’s shoulder, taunting him.

He wishes it didn’t get under his skin but it does. Of course she got back together with Ryker, the perfect prince and princess of Acadia high.

Bellamy isn’t particularly sure how or where he expected to fit in. Bellamy was never one for fitting in. He guessed they would be just them, nothing much had to change. He didn’t want to be lifted to her famous stature and he didn’t want to drag her down to his he just wanted them to remain the same.

Even with what went down between them over summer break he can’t refocus his mind to see anything else but her.

He was stupid enough to fall in love with someone that’s unattainable. Bellamy Blake fell in love. That's something that had his friends and little sister laughing - and with Clarke of all people, so he couldn’t help but laugh at himself. 

They come from different worlds. She’s rich and looks like a Disney princess, wavy blond hair and big clear blue eyes, and he is the stoic brooding working

 class boy from the other side of the tracks.

When he found her in the waiting room that night, vulnerable and broken he didn’t expect that it would lead to him falling in love with her.  They found solace in each other and when they were together they felt inevitable but it was just a summer breeze. It all came crashing down. That’s what was actually inevitable.

Ryker's hand slides to Clarke's waist and Bellamy feels his blood turning to ice, he grits his teeth and feels Miller's hand on his arm "let's go" Miller says and they walk away.

Bellamy heads to Jaha's class while Miller escorts Gabriel to Diyoza's office.

                          ***

“So that’s it? You’re not going to tell me his name?” Josie whines as she adds some blush to her cheeks, studying herself in the mirror, clearly in love with what she sees. She glances over at Clarke who is running her fingers through her blond curls making them bigger.

“So you can look him up? No thanks,” she retorts, adding a final coat of lip gloss. 

Clarke knows that if she tells Josie the truth, she won’t exactly approve. It’s not that Clarke's ashamed of Bellamy like he accused her of. What is there to be ashamed of? Bellamy is beautiful, he is the boy with constellations in his eyes.

The architecture of his face is enthralling, the perfectly dusted freckles on his tanned skin, his thick dark hair that refuses to be tamed, the cut of his body. She can still feel his deep, rough voice trembling through her body and most of all he is the kindest person she’s ever met. He defines heart of gold and it’s a shame he never lets a lot of people see the Bellamy that she spent nearly three months with, but he is also the boy that broke her. All that’s left is a broken heart from their time together so there is no need to rope other people in.

It’s true that they don’t run in the same circles. He is the dangerous guy who commands attention, attention that he doesn't want - she knows this. But Clarke is the school’s princess, she has the looks and the money so her popularity was guaranteed. That comes with its on cons like everyone thinking you’re shallow and dumb.

Or like some guy taking advantage of you when you’re at your most vulnerable just to prove a point that he can get you in his bed and humiliate you and that’s exactly what Bellamy Blake did even though he denies it and turns it on her that she’s just ashamed he isn’t some rich boy and didn’t want to be seen with him. She hates him, so no, she’s not going to tell anyone about him. Her only friend that knows about her relationship with Bellamy and how much he stomped all over her heart is Murphy  

“You had a summer fling, I would like to know who it’s with.” Josie rolls her eyes “Can you blame me?”

Clarke puts on her best plastic smile “Someday Jo.”

She huffs “Fine, Cillian wants to talk before class. I’ll wait for you outside,” Jo says, blowing air kisses as she exists the bathroom.

Clarke takes a much-needed breath as she studies herself in the mirror, swallowing the lump in her throat. This past summer is riddled in soul-crushing memories and Bellamy is one of them. She thought he was the net under the ledge but just when she thought that she was safe he yanked it from under her and she fell, crumpling to the ground.

One of the stall doors open and Clarke immediately takes her sponge dabbing under eyes, masking her scars with the perfect face. Her face drops when she sees who exits the stall with her judging eyes sending daggers at her through the mirror. Raven has always hated Clarke. Since the first grade, she’s spat in Clarke’s face about how she thinks things just come easy to her and it was a given that she wouldn’t approve of Clarke dating Bellamy and she didn’t - and of course she blames the break up on her.

“You didn’t even tell your friends you were dating him…” she says, accusatory, venom clear in her voice. “Typical.” She walks over to the sink still staring at Clarke through the mirror with such disgust it makes Clarke’s blood boil.  

“I’m not in the mood Raven, save whatever self-righteous bullshit speech you have planned for someone who gives a shit.” Clarke retorts, picking her bag back off the sink island, turning to face Raven who seems unwavering.

“He deserved better and this just proves it.”

Clarke scoffs at the nerve the brunette has making it seem like everything that happened was her fault. “He betrayed me.”

“He told you he didn’t do it,” she bites, “besides - it’s not like your reputation took a real hit, here you are still running the school.”

Clarke takes slow intimidating steps towards Raven. Blood hot ready for the kill “And that just irks at your soul doesn’t it? That all it did was generate a series of rumors but I’m still standing? What is it Raven, did you love Bellamy but it fucks with your brain that he chose me?... just like Finn.” Clarke says venomous and she knows it’s a little harsh but Raven finds a reason to belittle her every chance she gets. So why not fight back with just as much animosity?.

Clarke is still trying to put herself back together after coming undone and the last thing she needs is one of Bellamy’s best friends blaming everything on her.

Raven purses her lips, chest heaving. She looks like a deer caught in headlights and Clarke wonders if she’s on to something. But before she can read the emotion in Raven’s eyes she glances away from Clarke as she bites the inside of her cheeks. “He is just my friend I care about him,” she says, clearing her voice, flicking her gaze back at Clarke. “Unlike you,” she bites out, swallowing hard, her eyes murderous.

Clarke takes a step back. “I loved him so much…but he broke my heart. It has nothing to do with him not being rich.” Clarke says, her voice wavering. She can see Raven thinking of a comeback but she can’t deal with another cat fight so she turns and walks out the bathroom. 

                                                                                      ***

The bell sweeps through the school, Bellamy settles in at the back of the class, Miller who’s seated in front of him turns in his chair to face Bellamy. “Are you okay dude?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he says coldly, not looking up from his book.

“Really?”

“I’m fine”

“It must…”

“I said I’m fine…Miller.” Clarke is the last person he wants to talk about and if he could help it, she’s the last person he’d be thinking about. “Where’s your new boyfriend?” Bellamy sets his book on his desk, Miller rolls his eyes forcing Bellamy to let out a light chuckle. “Didn’t go so well?”

“No he’s a nice guy, but he totally checked you out and I don’t think he is interested in me at all.”

“That’s not true, trust me. Are you into him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, figure it out before the vultures get to him.”

His heart clenches in his chest as soon as Clarke saunters into the class room with her usual clique following behind. He forces himself to look away before she catches him staring again.

“Right. We are meeting Raven for lunch. Don’t bail, you know how she gets.”

“I won’t.”

“I hope you’re all ready to be productive now that you are back.”  Jaha’s deep, stoic voice cuts through the class room and everyone falls silent. “Before we get to anything else, I am going to assign you a project, and to make sure there is no slacking off it will be fifty percent of your grade in my class.”

As expected an outburst of murmurs litter the room, Jaha is known for his hard assignments. Bellamy is big on history - it’s his favorite subject so reading and then writing an essay has never been a problem for him. He spares Clarke another glance. She’s talking it over with Josephine whose desk is next to hers.

“Calm down everyone,” Jaha says, leaning against his desk, “I feel like this is a very easy assignment.”

“Yeah right” Murphy scoffs in front of the class eliciting a few laughs  some of the students. 

“Don’t worry John, even you can’t fail this class,” he teases. “You’re smart when you put your mind to it John so do just that. Arkadia is small but there is so much history here, that is why…” he says, walking around his table retrieving a notebook from his desk drawer and pen from his pocket, “I have here a list. I’ve paired you in twos. You will choose four historical locations in Arkadia, go there, experience it and then write about it. But be creative. I don’t just want the essay, I want a visual of the places you visit, I want passion and initiative so, let’s see who we have here.”

Gaia raises her hand, in the middle row. She’s kind of a history buff from the little Bellamy knows so he guesses she’s not about to complain. “Yes, Gaia?”

“Can we change partners?”

“No you may not. In fact I have chosen the most unlikely of people and paired them together. I want this to be an experience,” he says enthusiastically.

Miller is paired with Murphy which he obviously complains about, Gaia is paired with Monty which she seems pleased with, Harper is paired with Emori and Bellamy zones out for a few seconds so he feels like he just misheard Jaha.

“Mr. Blake and Ms. Griffin” he says simply and goes ahead to pair other people. Bellamy fights the urge to glance Clarke’s way. He wants to punch a fucking wall. He tries to seem like he isn’t affected by the fact that he has to be around his ex, talk to her, work with her, especially since she seems to be repulsed by the idea of being seen with him. Maybe if he told Jaha he would reassign them, or probably not.

He thinks they are an unlikely pairing - well, they are, but they dated for months. He has fucked her right in this class, that may be grounds for reassignment. When he finally wills himself to look at Clarke, she's already staring at him..

                                   ****

During lunch Bellamy just wants to skip the rest of the school day and leave this fucking place. Raven is seated across from him on the bench. She is hyper focused on the radio or what used to be a radio but now is some kind of robot on the table. He is on the last sentence of Stephen King’s The night shift when Miller claps his shoulder and settles next to him. Miller flickers his gaze from the book to the bag and lunch Miller throws on the table. “You won’t believe what happened today.” Miller says with so much amusement in his voice it makes Bellamy feel sick. He didn’t tell Raven about being paired with Clarke because he knows she’s going to warn him about her,

“Miller” Bellamy grunts throwing the book on the table, he runs a hand through his hair shooting his best friend a scolding glare.

Miller waves him off. “You didn’t tell her?”

“Tell me what?” Raven asks, less than interested, her eyes still focused on the robot, as she carefully put two wires together and then zap. “Damn it!” she yells.

“What, your little friend doesn’t want to cooperate, Reyes?” Miller teases with a laugh. If it were anyone else, they would probably be on the ground right now with Raven’s foot on their neck but it’s Miller. He wouldn’t be him if he didn’t tease any of them.

Raven huffs, shooting daggers at her project. “I just need it to work perfectly.”

“It will, I know you’re worried about Eligius but you’re gonna get it in,” Bellamy says reassuringly. “You’ll probably be running the damn place one day.” 

Raven smiles at that like she always does at his compliments. “Stop it.” she bites her bottom lip, staring at him through her lashes. “Thanks,” she sighs. “Now what’s this big news that I must hear?” she chuckles.

“In Jaha’s Class, we were paired for projects and you won’t believe who got paired with this one right here,” Miller says amusingly, nudging Bellamy’s side with his elbow.  

“Gaia, the other annoying history nerd?” Raven chuckles.

“I wish,” Bellamy mutters under his breath. He is cutting his gaze between Miller and Raven. Miller raises his brow at Raven like she should know the obvious person he is referring to and it doesn’t take her long to get it as she crosses her arms across her chest, glaring at him.

“No way, the princess?” Raven asks so disgusted it makes Bellamy feel dirty.

Bellamy shifts uncomfortably in his seat; his blood is bubbling over her annoyance. “Please let’s not make a big deal out of this.”

“She’s your secret popular ex who broke your heart.” Miller whispers, leaning into him a little.

“People break up, it’s not the end of the fucking world,” Bellamy says exasperatedly, picking up his book and pretending to read in hopes that they might just drop the subject.

They don’t. 

“Yeah but not everyone keeps their boyfriend a secret just because they think they are beneath them,” Raven reminds him. “Do you know that she didn’t even tell her friends you dated? That’s how much she’s ashamed of you. I heard her talking in the bathroom today.”

Bellamy would be lying if he said that it doesn’t hurt but he should be used to it by now. He has grown up his whole life with people that come from Clarke’s world looking down on him, his family, his friends.

Silence settles among the three. “You know you are just as popular as her and hotter than Ryker, right?” Miller cuts through the silence with an upbeat tone, trying so hard to be the friend that makes everything better.

Bellamy shifts his weight to face Miller, who is stuffing chips in his mouth. “Are you kidding? I’m not in the same league as them.” He glances at Raven who just shrugs and focuses her attention back on Miller, He focuses on Miller again. “I’m feared, there is a difference.”

Miller swallows. “I mean, yeah you are but if you just scowled less, threw on a blue or…” he sighs heavily, “or any other color really you’d be up there. And you’re amazing at basketball and football. You could have been on any of the school teams like coach Pike suggested to you a million times. You would be the IT guy in school.”

“He owns a truck.” Raven reminds them with a Scoff like owning a truck automatically makes you poor. He knows what she means though, his peers like Ryker and Clarke drive some of the most expensive cars out there.

“Hey, I thought you liked my truck.” Bellamy lifts a questioning brow at his friend who rolls her eyes with a little blush creeping in her cheeks.

“I do, it’s a great truck. My point is Ryker and the princess own cars that could buy both our houses combined Bellamy. You joining the basketball team and becoming captain with all the attention on you still wouldn't have made you one of them” she Raven says her face hardened. Bellamy knows the history with Clarke and Raven, and her experience with the rich in general.

Bellamy doesn’t protest. He knows she’s right. He saved up for two years just so he could afford the truck he got. He was sick and tired of his red Toyota that broke down every few miles so he made sure to get a great truck.

“That’s my point, even without the money and all the crazy stories that follow you, which I agree attracts some people. Still, girls and guys wanna fuck you.”

"He doesn't have trouble in that department" Raven reminds lowly.

“Okay enough of that,” Bellamy chuckles at the ludicrous conversation.

Miller throws his hands up in surrender then his face falls when he looks behind Bellamy and a smirk appears on his lips.

Bellamy already knows who is behind him. He closes his eyes for a second to gather himself then he turns in his seat.

“Clarke,” he says nonchalantly as he faces her.

She adjusts her Prada bag, tucking a hair behind her ear. He can tell she’s avoiding Ravens glare. “Can we talk?”

Raven scoffs. “Aren’t you scared your worm for brains crew will see you with him?”

“I wasn’t talking to you Raven. Why don’t you just play with your little toys while the grownups talk?” she says icily. She sneers at Clarke, then back to Bellamy. “Somewhere that isn’t here,” Clarke says, turning, her hair swaying dramatically as she walks away. 

Raven scoffs rolling her eyes, Bellamy smiles apologetically at Raven, picking his bag and swinging it across his chest before following behind Clarke.

                                 ~~~~  

Clarke has to remind herself that she can’t falter, not in front of Bellamy. This is the man that has a hold on her heart and has crawled his way under her skin no matter how much she has tried to shake him off.

He’s staring at her expectantly, leaning against a wall, hands shoved in his pocket. “I know what you’re going to say,” he says nonchalantly.

Clarke bites her bottom lips, crossing her arms against her chest defensively. “And what is that?”

“That this is strictly about the project.”

“Yeah… So...”

“And let me guess, you tried to change partners already?”

“No,” she lies.

He scoffs. “Fine. Just so you know I don’t want this anymore than you do.”

There is a beat of silence.

“God…” she taunts, shaking her head in incredulity. “You’re such an asshole.”

Bellamy leans off the wall taking a step towards her, his face hardened. “I’m the asshole?” he asks, dazed. “I’m an asshole for letting you know that I’m not ecstatic about spending time with you princess? Not everyone wants to bow at your fucking feet like you think,” he bites. He is so close she can feel his breath on her skin and she hates that her body still responds to him the way it’s doing. It craves his touch, his lips on hers.

“I believe you…” tsk “You already got what you wanted from me, I’m one of the girls foolish enough to end up in your bed and be left with nothing but regrets. Let’s just get the project over and done with.”

Something flashes in his eyes, hurt? What does he have to be hurt about?  

“I’ll be at Sinclair’s garage after school, I leave around seven. Come any time before that and we can figure out…” he sighs, “all the details,” he says and walks away.

Clarke finally feels like she can breath once Bellamy is gone.

Clarke is used to faking a lot of things, like being on all the time, and faking that she's fine when she isn't but one thing she's finding impossible to fake is that she is no longer in love with Bellamy or that what he did to her didn't break whatever was left inside of her.

                                                   ∆


 

Chapter Text

                                                  ∆

                                             ∆

                                 Little did I know

                                You would be the one

                                I confide in,

                              Learn how to try with 

                              Little did I know.

                                            ∆

Bellamy takes a satisfying breath as he unties his apron placing it on the kitchen island. Cooking has always been therapeutic for him. Seeing as he had to do it he thought he'd hate it but after a long and weird day he loves getting lost in the recipes no matter how basic they are.

Today was the last day of school and he has been more than ready to start his summer break. He, however, did not expect his last day to be a run in with the school princess because some asshole whispered his name as the culprit who dented her sparkling blue Jeep. He wasn’t.

He worked hard these past couple of months, harder than most times and that's saying something for Bellamy. He took extra shifts at Sinclair's garage, he made sure to make all the events where he was hired as a photographer so no, he wasn't going to waste his hard earned money to fix up the princess's car when she can afford it herself.

Besides, that money is going to some of the bills that are piled on the table, he's mom can't afford to do everything herself on a nurse's salary. And a small part of it is for his summer break. Gina's band is playing around a few cities and Bellamy has been hired to take their social media photos. 

Bellamy has had an eye for photography since the first time he's dad brought home a vintage Canon. Plus, him and Gina have been fucking for about a month now so this summer is looking up for Bellamy.

"So is the blond your girlfriend now?" Octavia's nosy voice echoes through the kitchen as she peeps through the small opening between the living room and the kitchen.

"The blond?" He asks, genuinely confused as he packs the Tupperware that's filled with food that he just prepared in his backpack, not looking over at his little sister.

She sighs he can hear her footsteps descending into the kitchen as he carefully places everything so the food won't spill over in his bag. 

"The one you were talking to in the school parking lot today" she reminds with annoyance in her voice. Octavia knows who Clarke Griffin is, so he doesn’t get why she just can’t come right and say her name.

Bellamy scoffs. Girlfriend? The princess? No fucking way. And they weren't talking. She was yelling at him as he stood there with a smirk on his lips which infuriated her more. He loved it, she's cute when she's mad.

Nope. Don't think about her as cute Bellamy, he facepalms mentally.

It was a misunderstanding, one of many that Bellamy has to face every damn day at that stupid school that he can't wait to leave behind in a few months.

He looks up from his backpack, finally, and is met with a curious stare. "Who?" He decides to play dumb.

She rolls her eyes, and he bites back a laugh at how annoyed his little sister is getting. "Cheerleader captain? Class president, prom queen two years in a row…."

He cuts her off before she lists every goddamn thing, “So you know who she is” he chuckles “could’ve just said her name O, and no she’s not my girlfriend. Some asshole said I scratched her car…I didn't, that was us arguing in the lot," he picks up a can of coke, shoving it in his bag. "So no, I'm not dating her…I would never," he says with much more emphasis than needed. Because he simply could never date her. Fucking? That's a different conversation.

Her ocean eyes staring up at him or down depending on the position, her pink lips around his…. stop it Bellamy . He mentally slaps himself.

"You've dated rich girls before," Octavia recalls with a roll of her eyes.

He laughs, "date isn't the word I'd use." He raises a quirked knowing brow at her.

"Eww gross," Octavia says, throwing a piece of baby carrot at him.

"I didn't even say anything,'' he laughs throwing his hands up feigning innocence.

“Whatever, she would never go for you anyways” she says with a scoff that’s matter of fact, as she takes a bite of a carrot staring at him with a shrug.

Out of curiosity he asks “Why not?” he lens into the counter, elbows on the counter, fingers clasped as he waits for her answer, she smirks, that god annoying Blake smirk that they born inherited creeps on her lips “Well…” she starts and he is already rolling his eyes at what’s bout to come “Big brother you have all this austere persona going on. She’s the sun, she’s warm and inviting even though you can’t get too close. People love and want to be her. You are the opposite of that, on the outside atleast. You reserve your warm side to me and mom. Miller and Raven too the rest of the world can fuck off right?”

His jaw tightens he doesn’t even know why these words are getting to him, she sighs then continues “You aren’t rich, which means you can’t buy her he type of gifts she deserves and even if money wasn’t a big deal she is the type of girl you show off, that you kiss in the middle of the street, and in the hall ways. That you publicly hold hands with and post on you Instagram and you…big brother have never done that with any girl”

“Are you done” he asks swallowing his annoyance.

She waves him off “You are a great guy, seriously you annoyingly have a good heart but you never let anyone in. I was only asking if you were dating Clarke to mess with you, I know you’re hooking up with that band girl Gina…it’s been what? a Month? And now you’re going on be on tour with her have you even gone on a date with her”

“We’re not looking for anything serious” he rubs a hands on his face “Both of us” he glances over his sister who is staring at him with a skeptical gaze.

She shrugs “Fine” Silence, and then her gaze drops to the bag on the counter. "You're such a kiss ass," Octavia laughs, and he rolls his eyes at his little sister's comments. He reaches over sliding the bag towards him, he zips his back glancing over at her always mischievous face again. "I prepared food for our mom...how is that me kissing ass?" He says, biting back a laugh because he knows exactly what she's talking about.

"You don't have to go through all this trouble…It's not like she would ever say no to you," she rolls her eyes, sliding herself off the stool and heading over to the living room. Bellamy picks up the bag, following his sister.

"I'm sensing some jealousy over here," he chuckles, roughing up her dark hair with purple highlights playfully as he passes.

"I'm not jealous," she huffs. Clearly lying. 

Bellamy sinks on the couch next to her, "fine, I am being extra nice and helpful because I want to have a free summer. She already knows I’m leaving; I just don’t want her to change her mind"

She scoffs, "I knew it, but like I said…It's not like she would say no to you."

"She's said no to me plenty of times," he reminds, Octavia doesn't say anything as she focuses on the TV. It's true, Aurora always has a hard time saying no to Bellamy—but that's because Bellamy barely asks for anything. He contributes to the chores and bills, but it's rare for him to ask for anything ever.

"The neighbor is the murderer" Octavia says, sure of herself as her eyes stay glued to the TV. One of those crime shows she loves so much.

Bellamy squeezes her hand. He knows she isn't actually mad or jealous, she's just annoyed that she isn't a grown up and their mother reminds her every time. "Miller should be here any minutes. He is going to be mad you started the episode without him."

"Oh, he already watched this one, we're starting the next one together."

"Okay," Bellamy stands, picking up his bag. "I have to get this to Mom before her next shift. And I'm meeting Gina after"

"I don't need a babysitter, I can take care of myself…I'm not a baby you know" she reminds him.

"Miller isn't a babysitter…not really anyways." He chuckles walking out the door.

                                   ****

Clarke closes the huge doors behind her as she steps into the foyer, her Chanel heels echo around the sterilized mansion until she comes to a stop in the middle of the family room. Her eyes sweep around the lifeless space, and she doesn't think much of it that she's alone.

Of course. 

Clarke's house has never really felt or looked like a home. It's almost like Abby copied and pasted one of those white only furniture shoots from architectural digest. It's almost all white, just a splash of dark colour here and there. It's always been so…Impersonal.

She strides to the kitchen and as she steps into the empty kitchen, hating herself that after all these years she feels a chill of disappointment coursing through her that her parents aren't home making dinner, or curled up on the couch watching TV so she can join them and they can chat about their day.

For example, in her fantasy she would pour herself a glass of apple juice, plop up the stool and chat about her day while her dad makes dinner and her mom shops for some veggies or something. She remembers, faintly, her dad making dinner while her mom relaxes with a glass of wine as she helps cut the veggies. She was never much of a cook herself.

If they were here she would tell them about this annoyingly beautiful guy she never really talks to dented her Jeep and he smirked and swore it wasn't him. She would leave out the part about how even though he was driving her up the wall she couldn't help but marvel at the poetry of his face. 

She's known Bellamy for years, but only from a distance. But standing under the sun with him, the freckles dotted on his tanned skin sparked under the natural light, the deep lines on the corner of his lips when he smirked, his dark full volume curls and the Romanesque shape of his boy… she couldn't help but stare.

They come from two different worlds, she knows this. That is why all these years they never really became friends or even friendly. She knew he hated the rich and spoiled, at least she assumes he did.

She draws in a breath, scolding herself for even thinking about him still. She went shopping after school was officially over so she can forget about her momentary weakness of her body wanting to be devoured by that brooding rebel.

Her mind comes back to her disappointing reality.

Her dad dad's barely in the picture but most people don't know that, and Abby is somewhere at Acadia general hospital buried in work like she has always done.

These past couple of months it's been worse. It's like living with a ghost ever since Jake asked for a divorce, Clarke has barely seen her mom and if she does see her then she's strung out on wine and pills, but of course she won't get help so Clarke has to watch as her mother withers away and belittles her every chance she gets.

For Abby the outward perception people have of her and her family has always been important. That is why she won't acknowledge Jake's absences or admit that her drinking and pills are actually a problem, and not just taking the edge off after a long day. She lies that Jake is actually working out of the country and not that he is shacked up with a girl that’s close to Clarke’s age than Abby’s.

And It's why she makes sure Clarke always looks photoshoot ready and sometimes reminds her to watch what she eats which makes Clarke feel shittier than she lets on.

Clarke barely remembers when her family was actually a family, and as of now she's used to it and has managed to fill her time and the ache in her chest with other things and people.

She releases a tired sigh with both hands filled with Prada shopping bags and she heads upstairs to her room. The only place other than her art studio with actual characters.

Clarke is determined to make this a great summer, after all it's her last one before she heads to college. She pats herself on the back for ending it with Ryker, even though she got the impression that even though his ego was a little bruised, he liked that they broke up so he can fuck around all summer and well, that's the reason she ended it with him in the first place.

Ryker never quite felt real to her that is why she isn't sobbing about the breakup. He felt like how most of the things in Clarke's life feel…. Obligational. He is the school's prince and her being the school princess she felt obligated to be with him. Not that she minds it all that much—he's cute, a decent lay and he runs in the same circles as her so they have fun.

She sinks onto her bed, placing her bags on the bed as she slips out her phone from her purse. Fuck. It's dead. She plugs it to her charger, picking up her bags and heading to her walk-in closet. 

She adds her new bag and shoes to her already growing collection. Her hand slowly trails against the rich fabrics of her bags and shoes as she walks around her closet slowly until she reaches one of her full length mirrors.

She studies herself for a second twirling a little admiring the green sundress she's in that she just bought yesterday. Clarke shoves the loneliness down and focuses on how good she looks, it's gonna be a memorable summer she promises herself.

Her phone must be on because all of a sudden her space is filled with hundreds of notifications coming through. She rushes to her bedside, news must be out that her and Ryker are done and everyone's talking and tagging her. When she checks her phone, she wishes it was something so mundane people were talking about.

Cold horror soaks into her as her limbs go heavy with fear and sadness as she reads the text from her housekeeper about what happened to her mother. She picks her purse from the bed and runs out.

                             *****

Getting to the hospital was a blur for Clarke, as she ran through the hospital doors though, she tried to keep her mind levelheaded. She's good at that.

Doctor Sidney informed her that her mom was awake and that it was an accidental drug overdose paired with the wine, she suffered a minor heart attack but of course to everyone else it's just a heart attack and they are covering up the drug use part. They have been doing that for her since forever.

Clarke tried to be composed, but she's not like her mom, she can't just turn off something so emotionally draining. This is a nightmare, and she is about ready to wake the fuck up.

She rushes to the bathroom trying and failing to take steady breaths. It's like the air can't reach her lungs, while her heart lurches so hard at her chest she fears it might burst right out and fall to the ground. 

She shakily dials her dad's number as she continues to try even her breathing. After a few seconds her dad answers. 

"Hello." 

"Hello…dad," Clarke sniffs staring at herself in the mirror, eyes pink, face crimson lips trembling. "Didn't you get my messages…?" She takes a long breath then releases.

"Sweetheart I…" her dad stops on the other side of the line.

"They've been trying to call you…. I have been trying to call you. Tell me you're on your way."

Silence.

"Dad."

"I can't…"

"What do you mean you can't…" She swallows, tears trailing down her face, "were there no flights?"

Silence again. She hears him release painful sigh, and she doesn't like that. She knows this sigh all too well. "I just can't be there. I can't do this again," he says quickly like he was just trying to rip off the Band-Aid of bad news.

"Mom almost died," her voice low and pained.

He sighs, "it's not the first time she's done this…you know that right?"

Silence stretches longer this time around. Clarke feels herself going cold. She can't believe this night. Even if Abby had done this before he should still be here. He should want to be here.

Clarke has known for a while that her mom has had a problem with painkillers, but she never really thought it was that big of a problem until one night when she was choking, and Jake had to revive her under the shower. 

She expected Abby to quit but of course she never did; she just hid it well. Clarke had asked her why she took those pills once and she was met with an eye roll and the usual. "One day you'll understand the struggles of life," Abby promised with the usual condescension.

But even with that Jake should still want to be here. Is this what grown up relationships were like, you marry someone and become so cold towards them just like that?

She draws in a lengthy breath, watching as her features harden in the mirror. "It doesn't matter; you should still be here. You should want to be here" she scolds through gritted teeth.

"She's alive, there’s not much I can do for her."

"What about me…" Clarke cries, her heart cracking against her ribs and she hates herself for it. "I need you, dad." she feels the pain that was soaking up her chest seep through the rest of her body as she continues to get her breathing back to normal, she’s had a few panic attack in private but nothing like this “Dad, please” she tries again.

Silence, and then "if I come there…it will be hard to leave. I'm sorry Clarke… just because I’m not there doesn’t mean I’m not here for you. I'll check in. I promise," he says, a few seconds later the line goes dead and Clarke sobs while trying to catch her breath.

Clarke looks up from the sink back to the mirror and she nearly screams when she's met with Bellamy staring back at her through the mirror.

She swings her body so fast that she nearly gets whiplash, "what the hell are you doing here?" She snaps, dabbing her eyes with the fingers trying to swallow back all the pain and anger nearly spilling out of her pores.

Worry lines his face as he stares at her with so much compassion it makes her want to liquidate right in here.

He glances away, almost like he doesn't want her to see the worry on his face. His gaze flickers back at her and his expression is nonchalant, but his eyes still have that spark of worry. "Are you okay?" he asks indistinctly; his voice gravel it trembles right through her.

"I'm fine," she says, trying to keep her voice light while ignoring the tightness in her chest.

He lets out a soft scoff, "I know you're not actually okay but…you know, that's what you're supposed to ask," he shrugs.

Her eyes search his, she doesn't understand why he'd even care or pretend to care. She was one hundred percent sure he hated her, or at least hated people like her. His best friend was Raven for goodness sake. Maybe it's all the overwhelming emotions that are making her hazy, but the worry lining his face and the softness in his eyes seem so genuine that they make her want to disarm.

It's not that she never paid that much attention to Bellamy, but he is hard to not notice so of course she notices him. In fact they have kind of been at the same school since they were kids.

His ruthless dark curls are tousled on his head, a little messy, worry still creasing on his annoyingly beautiful face and he is in his usual black shirt, jeans and black boots and dark blue jacket. 

She is having the worst night and it's worse because even with all that going on her mind can't help but register the art that is Bellamy Blake. She scoffs inwardly at herself while still wrestling with her struggling breath.

She sighs again waiting for an answer that doesn't come, he just stares. Searching for something in her eyes with a look that's between confusion and concern.

Concern? Clarke must be reading that particular emotion wrong again. He takes a step closer and she backs away, the marble sink digging into her back.

"I said, what are you doing here?" she asks her voice low.

He crosses his arms across his chest. "You don't own the hospital."

She taunts. "My mom owns parts of it," she brags and immediately wishes she could take it back.

And that look on his face is the reason why. "Of course she does…are you going to call your bodyguard to throw me out, princess?" He says but without any animosity, he still has that concerned look in his eyes.

She rolls her eyes, steading her breath. "I meant in the girl’s bathroom," she says, turning away from his stupidly beautiful face because another wave is coursing through her, and she'd appreciate it if she could cry in front of anyone but Bellamy.

She sprinkles water on her face and draws in a breath her heart hasn't stopped squeezing inside her chest which means the tears can't stop coming out.

"Your dad's an asshole by the way" he says after a moments silence. She meets his stare in the mirror.

"You heard that?"

"Yeah…pretty much all of it. Sorry,'' he says genuinely again, and she can't help the sobs that come out. The little air that managed to slip through her pain and reach her lungs is blocked and she starts hyperventilating. 

Bellamy rushes towards her, turning her and his hands remaining on her shoulders. He lowering his head to her. "Hey just breathe in and out slowly," he instructs, and all Clarke can do is sob while trying to follow his instructions.

He slides his fingers under her chin, forcing her blurring, teary eyes to face him. "It's okay…just slow breaths. Take your time," he says breathing in and out with her. She takes slow breaths in and out, "that's good. You're doing good," he says softly. She can feel herself relaxing, but the tears are still coming. "That's it…" he says as she draws in a long breath.

He is so close she can feel his breath on her face, the worry creasing his eyebrows makes her broken heart flip in her chest. "Thanks,'' she says lowly, staring into his dark eyes. He nods slowly.

She knew she wanted her dad here, but up until this moment she didn't know just how badly she needed someone to be there for her, she's never really had that before.

Before she can think of what she was about to do, her arms wrap around Bellamy’s waist, she shuts her eyes, breathing him in. As soon as his arm wraps around her, the other one holding her head in place she felt some of the tension in head easing.

When Clarke and Bellamy left the bathroom, she realized that she was actually in the male bathroom. She's practically lived in this hospital, but her mind was so fucked up that she didn't even notice.

It's been about thirty minutes and Bellamy hasn't left her side. Weirdly enough she is thankful he hasn't. The only time she was separated from him was when she had to go into her mom's room after she woke up. She saw that her mom was hurting, and was a little embarrassed, normal people would just let those emotions play out. Not Abby, she has to mask those up by taking it out on Clarke.

Clarke is used to her mom being mean in a way that seems like she's just trying to be helpful. So when her mom was telling her she will be going away for a while to a spa (rehab) she didn't fail to remind Clarke how she should watch what she eats during summer, and how she can't tell anyone what happened or that Jake is living in Polis with his new young girlfriend. The worst part of all this is when she walked out of the room, Bellamy was there and the look on his face told her that he heard everything.

How was it that the guy she had barely talked to despite knowing him almost all her life had now knowledge of the most private and embarrassing parts of her life?

                                         ****

Bellamy knew that when he insisted on driving Clarke home he would be disappointing another girl.

But Gina didn't seem to mind after he told her that there was an emergency he had to deal with at home. He hated that he had to lie, but he figured telling her that he had to help out another girl tonight, one that he barely talked to wouldn’t fly over so well. 

They're sitting in her Jeep, in her driveway staring at her front door, they've been doing this for about thirty minutes now. Clarke is holding Bellamy's Jacket that he draped over shoulder her once they stepped out the hospital doors.

The fact that she hasn't made any attempt to leave this car and head inside solidifies his decision to take her home himself. Bellamy realizes brokenness when he sees it, he has been there before so he wasn't going to let her be by herself, especially after hearing how both her parents treat her.

"Did you eat?" He finally asks, peeling his eyes from the door. Her face is illuminated by the moon and lights lining her huge driveway.  

She drags her head slowly to face him, even with the dim light she can see the heaviness of her bloodshot eyes. She answers him with a simple shake of her head.

"How about I make you something?" Her brows shoot up and he just realized he’s offered to cook for her. "Or you can uhm…" he clears his thought all of a sudden feeling self-conscious, "just order something."

She smiles softly and it dissipates the self-consciousness brewing inside him. "Would you really make something?" She asks, almost like she can't believe he'd really take the time to do something like that.

"Yeah."

She nods "I'm only asking because…" she flicks her gaze to her hands that's she's fidgeting within her lap. "I don't want be alone," her voice comes out strained, "but you can just stay until we eat and then…" she swallows flicking her gaze back to him.

He rests his head on the head rest, still staring at her—he doesn't want to leave either. "I don't have to leave tonight at all Clarke," he assures "you stay in your room…. I'll stay on the couch."

"You'd do that for me?"

He almost reaches for her hand, but he doesn't. "Yeah…I don't think you should be alone."

Minutes later, Bellamy is in Clarke's kitchen. Bellamy's eyes definitely wandered around. His house would fit a couple of times in the Griffin residency.

It's also very polished as compared to his cozy and stuffed house that's filled with different arts that his mom collects at the flea market. Their house is clean, but their table is also littered with magazines and bills. The Griffin's huge stainless steel fridge doesn't even have a magnet on it that holds up any memories while Bellamy's fridge has postcards, some old Blake drawings and photos of their family capturing fun moments, Miller and Raven are even in a few of them.

He finds a stash of the housekeeper's noodles; Clarke informs him that she's obsessed with them so she always has some in the kitchen. She heads upstairs letting him know she's going to take a quick shower.

Once he is done making peanut butter noodles, his go to easy and quick dish Clarke's saunters into the kitchen her eyes meet his and his heart sinks a little. She's in a pair of pajama shorts and a matching top, but what’s caught his attention is that she threw Bellamy's jacket back on which shouldn't rile up any emotion inside of him, but it does. He loves seeing her in it.

Her face is bare, hair in a loose bun and she is utterly beautiful. He hates that her eyes are still red from all the crying.

While he was by himself he managed to come up with an explanation of why he seems so drawn to Clarke all of a sudden. She's in need. She's someone who is hurting and his mom raised him to be compassionate so that's what he is doing.

And those butterflies that are taking flight at the sight of her aren't anything but normal hormones because she is beautiful and he notices that, it would be crazy not to.

This huge ass house feels so small with just how suffocating the air feels between them, thick and charged. 

Clarke stares at him, chewing on the inside of her lips as she taps nervously on the black and white marble island. "That smells good," she finally says. Wait, is she nervous? Well, it's probably because she is in a big house like this with a guy who is practically a stranger, in a way. There is no way she's nervous for the same damn reason that he is, something's unearthing inside of him and she's the reason why.

"Yeah...the best peanut butter noodles you'll ever have," he promises with a chuckle as he rounds the counters with two bowls in hand.

"That's some confidence you have there Blake," she smiles, and he never wants that smile to leave her face.

He hands her bowl, hands brushing and his skin jolts with current. Staring up at him with appreciative eyes. "We should eat these on the couch, watch a movie," she says with a soft smile. "Thank you,” she adds.

He towers her and she shakes her head slightly holding his gaze like she can't believe it. "Why are doing all this…for me?" she asks with a curious gaze.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…" she stares down at her feet like she's trying to get her words just right then she stares back at him. "I just mean, we aren't really friends. I know you're friends with Raven, and she literally hates me. You don't really talk to most people…why did you...talk to me, comfort me, stay with me?" He doesn't miss the curiosity and doubt in her voice.

"I don't know," he answers honestly. "You were hurting. I wasn't just going to leave you there." He sighs, feeling short of words that would explain two of the most opposite people from opposite worlds ending up here. "I know a little something about absentee dads," he admits with a pang to his chest. "I didn't want you to be alone." 

The side of her lips threaten to shoot up “Thank you…” she takes a small breath her eyes melting into his then walks off to the family room and Bellamy finally draws in a breath and follows her. 

They eat their dinner, that first bite makes Clarke moan and she admits that these are the best peanut butter noodles which Bellamy follows with a smirk and a playful smug telling her I told you so.

At first she sat further away, but as time passed they seem to drift closer. The charged air between them seemingly dissipated with time too. They watch two episodes of new girl before Clarke falls asleep curled into Bellamy's side, and he makes no attempt to leave. She needs him and as strange as it was he wasn't going to leave her side.

Chapter Text

I never hit so hard in love All I wanted was to break your walls All you ever did was wreck me Yeah, you, you wreck me I put you high up in the sky And now, you're not coming down It slowly turned, you let me burn And now, we're ashes on the ground.

                                            °°°

Clarke really didn’t know what to expect from her first ever heartbreak. But she should’ve guessed that it would be this painful, because everything that came with Bellamy came with full force like a wave ready to drown everything in its wake. She knew loneliness before she even understood what it was but nothing has ever cut this deep.

He had woven himself so deep into her soul that a month since her heart was broken by him it still yearns for him. Like only by the hand of the breaker can it be fixed and she fucking hates it. She hates how much he has invaded her space, her memories. It’s hard to go back to the person that she was before him. He isn’t someone she can easily forget or get over by shopping or drinking him away.

That is why it was much easier to go back to her old routine, to her old boyfriend who didn't have that much of a hold on her. With her dad coming back just to leave again and her mom being meaner than she was before summer, she needed some normalcy. 

She fumbles with the necklace Bellamy got her in her hand and she would never dare put on now. It’s a golden necklace with a small anchor shaped on it. He’d told her it will serve as a reminder that when life gets heavy he will be there to hold her down. 

That was a fucking lie.

She reads the sign above Sinclair’s garage one more time before blowing out a pained breath, slipping the necklace in the small brown bag that’s hanging over her shoulder and heading inside. There are places that she can’t help but be submerged back into past memories when she’s there. They act as tiny time capsules from the summer she shared with Bellamy. Sinclair’s garage is one of those places.

She remembers the first time she came here; Bellamy had called her to meet so that after his shift he could take her by the bayou which turned out to be one of the happiest days of her life.

They spent the night lying on a little boat looking up at the stars as he told her all the different stories of the stars and how different cultures interpret them and she remembers staring at the architecture of his face that was illuminated by the pale grey light of the moonlight as she propped herself up by the elbow hanging to every world that dripped from his lips.

Sinclair's garage today though wasn't the same, since she walked in she and Bellamy have been shrouded by unspoken words and heavy tension. The flirtatious banter that they curated during summer is nonexistent and Bellamy seems to be so over it that he isn't arguing with her on the places to visit. And she knows it won’t end like last time with beautiful stories and a kiss under the stars. It will probably end with her in her giant house alone crying because her heart despite being broken by Bellamy still aches for him.

“It’s a group project, Bellamy '' she reminds him, exasperated, leaning back into her chair “You can’t just say whatever the hell I want” she stares at him pointedly on the other side of the little round aluminum table. He runs a hand over his face with a tired sigh then rakes it through his dark curls that are particularly unruly today.

“Fine” he says, staring at her with an expression she can’t place. He glances away before she can read it “There is that old museum right after Shallow Valley…”

Clarke is sure to mask her surprise and calm the butterflies that are threatening to take flight in her stomach. The Sanctum museum started a Van Gogh exhibition, stepping into his paintings and Clarke was so excited to go. She talked about it nonstop, she explained all these different paintings to Bellamy as he rested his head on her stomach looking up at her in awe as she went on and on but they never got to it because they fell apart before it could happen. It was supposed to be one of the last places they’d visit before school started.  “The one we had plans to go to?” she asks, keeping her voice indifferent.

He glances back at her with a casual expression and she wonders if he is doing the same thing she is, burying the real emotion behind nonchalance. But why would he have any emotions worth hiding when it comes to her? Distaste is the only emotion she expects from him and he isn’t hiding that one. “Yeah, that one” he shrugs, his gaze dropping to his hands that are clasped together on the table.

Clarke has picked up a few things about Bellamy, like how he avoids eye contact when something is eating away at him. And maybe she should hate herself that she still worries about him but she just can’t switch off that part of herself. When she got here, he was tucked away in the corner, headsets in, reading his book and the look on his face wasn’t the usual aversion. He just seems done like he has nothing left to give today. The silence stretches with each passing second.

She swallows “Are You okay?” she asks lowly.

His dark curls bounce up and down as he nodes but doesn’t quite meet her gaze “Yeah” he answers his voice barely above a whisper. Before she can push for an honest answer he stands abruptly, almost like he could feel that she wasn’t done asking about him. He never did like talking about himself.

She scoffs at his attempt to avoid her gaze, her questions, her. 

Her eyes stay on him though; he turns, facing the window that faces the small lake. They sat there once, their legs dangling, both leaning against the window frames as they watched people enjoy their time in the lake from a distance. That was the first time Bellamy opened up about his family, how his step father died and his own father never really wanted anything to do with Bellamy. He tried to mask it, but she saw how hurt he was, his own father found him undeserving to stick around for.

When she visited his place for the first time she expected to meet the same Bellamy that he showed to the world, a little brooding and scary but she found out that was just a mask he put on for the world outside to kind of keep them at a distance. The Bellamy that his mother, sister, Miller, Raven and later she knew was different, warm and gentle.

She misses that Bellamy, the Bellamy that would wrap his arm around her and place a gentle kiss on her forehead. The fact that she misconstrued the significance of their relationship is a hard pill to swallow.

“There is a restaurant there, I remember my mom talking about it, it’s been there for generations. It’s a seafood restaurant…” he finally says, turning to face her and all she can do is stare at him, thinking to herself if at some point in the future they’ll just fade into a memory. She has no idea what to do with the thousands of emotions threatening to spill out of her “the community around there, they’ve been fishing for generations, selling their product locally in the market and the rest of Arcadia… and to that restaurant…. There are all these different little places there and Shallow Valley is in Arcadia, so…” 

She swallows the thick emotions lodged in her throat pursing her lips “okay… we should go over the weakened, start off early if we want to make it back” she suggests as she writes down the places Bellamy suggested next to hers. She stands, closing her notebook and stuffing it back into her bag.

He steps a little closer, and she does the same, their hands nearly brushing, eyes never leaving each other as silence cloaks them. It’s crazy, she thinks. How wrong she was about Bellamy and what they shared. How could she be so wrong? This beautiful boy in front of her made her heart dance in childhood like delight, she basked in the sunshine of his laughter and made her feel important and understood, talented and so fucking beautiful. He looked at her like she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, that type of look that people reserve for sunrises and sunsets. And she later found out from Raven who threw it in her face that Bellamy gave up a photography gig that would have taken him all summer to stay behind for her. He did all that just to betray her trust in the end?

It may be a small thing to others, but not in Clarke’s world. Not with how important her family’s image is to the public world. Clarke trusted Bellamy with how her dad left and is with some young woman, she trusted him with just how bad her mother’s drinking and pill popping is when she’s off shift and how depressed she was at one point her mom sent her away. Those are secrets she told him and when they got out and her mother was under review by the board and shadows of whispers followed Clarke around, they still do.

He swears it’s not him, but who else could it be? Her heart tells her it’s not him, she's convinced it can’t be him but she can’t use her heart, her head is the best way to get through this. Speaking of, her gaze drops to his forearm where his little brain tattoo sits, she then drags her gaze to her own arm where her little heart tattoo sits knowing its other half is just a few feet away even though it feels like they are oceans apart. She flicks her gaze back to Bellamy’s face who is staring at her, with soft eyes and creased brow.

"Will Ryker be fine with you being with me for the weekend?" He asks pointedly

She shrugs "it's an assignment...besides he doesn't dictate who I hang around with…" she nearly rolls her eyes at the question she's about to ask, disgusted and quite frankly jealous "what about you? Will whoever you're screwing now be okay with you hanging out with me?"

His jaw ticks and lips part to say something but the next words don’t come from his lips but instead from Raven.

“Oh look who it is slumming it in a garage…” she snarls coming into view, nearly stepping in between Bellamy and her. “I didn’t see the rolled out red carpet, the town must not have gotten the memo that the princess was gracing us with her holy presence” she cocks her head to the side, her ponytail dipping.

Clarke rolls her eyes at the intrusion, not particularly in the mood for Raven’s condescension twice in the same day “What are you doing here?” Clarke says not really caring why Raven’s there, she knows why. “Oh I forgot this is where you come to make all you little robot friends” Clarke bites and she can see the steam starting to come out of Raven's ears.

“Well, some of us have to make things for ourselves, work hard unlike you…”

Clarke crosses her arms, cocking her head to the side, narrowing her gaze at Raven “I’m one of the smartest people at our school Raven” she reminds her.

Tsk “That may be true…” Raven steps closer like she’s going in for the kill “but I know women like you. Eventually you’re going to marry some rich twat who will leave you for a younger woman because you’re insufferable while you drown yourself in Rose` and Xanax….” Clarke feels her blood boiling over and she wants to smack that smirk off the brunette’s face…. “Just like your mother”

“Enough, Raven” Bellamy’s voice rumbles in the small space and both girls look over at him.

Raven scoffs “Enough, Raven?” she asks, hurt.

“You went too far,” he says, disappointed “what’s wrong with you?”

Clarke takes a step back gritting her teeth, her eyes darting over Raven's shoulder to meet Bellamy’s eyes “What do you care, Bellamy? Isn’t this what you wanted?” she says through gritted teeth, his face dropping. She doesn’t take another second as she storms off. 

                                ****

Raven's soul wounding words remind Clarke why she’s so mad at Bellamy. She steps out of her jeep looking up at the dark grey evening sky wanting this day to be over already. She strides towards the door of Roan’s diner in dire need of a milkshake and carbs.

Clarke slides into the booth with a huff, ready to drown in an extra cheesy burger and fries and those amazing smoothies.

"Long day?" Murphy asks with his usual amusement tone and punk look he always has going on, as he slides a chocolate chipped smoothie towards her.

Her eyes nearly bug out of her eyes “Thank you” as she takes the longest sip through the straw letting taste seep into every inch of her buds.

Heaven.

She licks her lips "Was with Bellamy" she finally says.

"For the assignment? Jeez, how was that?"

She nodes "I just don't get it" she leans into the table, that overwhelming feeling of hurt and confusion coursing through her "It shouldn't feel like this should it?... He was just…. A high school boyfriend...a summer fling."

"But it doesn't feel that way?" 

"No. I feel this much pain, this much intensity should come from being with someone for years, marriage or something."

Murphy gives her a small sympathetic smile. "It doesn't work that way. All those high school sweethearts who get married start off like that. Sometimes you meet your person or soulmate from a very young age."

"Yeah well, it was a one-sided thing anyway.” She dips the straw slowly in and out of her smoothie, shaking her head slightly as her mind wanders back to her and Bellamy back in that garage, the look on his face, the feel of the moment “It's like we are seated from across each other and we are miles apart. It hurts too much" her voice nearly breaks, her head in hand. What Murphy says next causes her to look up at him with so much confusion.

"What if he didn't actually tell anyone about your mom or dad… or you?"

"Who else would've done it?" She challenges him.

He shrugs. Clarke bites at her bottom lip "I didn't even tell you Murphy… he is the only person who knew."

"Maybe it was the nurses from the hospital?"

Clarke’s muscles tighten with anger. "Why are you trying to defend him right now?"

"Because…. Everything you've told me about him. How he made you feel and treated you. I can't believe he did all that just to screw you and try to embarrass you?"

That statement hits her like a track that plunged her back to her time with Bellamy. How his presence made everything beautiful, the way he was always listening so intently when she spoke, how he kissed her like she was the only person he has ever or will ever kiss, how he was the net under the ledge. How can someone fake all that? Maybe he didn't fake it, but his hatred for her was stronger than his love. 

She leans back into her booth "I don't know. But what I do know is…. I can't trust him… not anymore."

"Clarke…."

"Let's just order okay?" she says in a tone that lets him know she’s done; she takes another sip of her smoothie, taking the menu that’s placed at her side.

Murphy stays quiet and only nodes in response, relenting from trying to find some way Bellamy couldn't have done what he did. “Well, my partner is Miller and he did bring you up.” Murphy informs her casually as he pretends to read the menu, he glances up at Clarke with one eye and a smirk just to see if he got her attention.

She sighs, rolling her eyes, curiosity getting the better of her “And?”

“And…” Murphy says leaning back into the seat, his face growing a little more serious “he said you broke Bellamy’s heart.”

Clarkes own heart plummets “He broke mine.” she says swallowing back the pain tickling her throat.

“I know” Murphy offers a small sympathetic smile.

                                        ~~~~

Cold air touches Bellamy's skin, yanking him back to reality as he steps out of Sinclair's garage. His mind was too occupied by Clarke and his deadbeat father. When she asked if he was okay he just wanted to bare his whole heart to her, but he had to remind himself that they aren’t in that space anymore.

"You aren't getting back together with her are you?" Raven follows behind him. It's not condescending or disgusted she sounds…. Worried. 

Bellamy turns to face her stopping by the motorcycle packed outside. She stops when he turns, crossing her arms across her chest. He sighs, tearing from her gaze as he looks somewhere in the far distance down the sloppy road. His heart hangs heavy as the string threatens to cut loose. "Getting back together would require her not hating me," he states, swallowing the bitterness and the pain that comes with it.

Silence and then Raven lets out a small huff. "She doesn't deserve you, Bellamy."

"Yeah you've mentioned that a couple times Raven," he reminds her, annoyed. After a few seconds. Silence, he meets her gaze "I'm sorry Ray… I just…"

She's the one to look away for a moment then back at him. She walks over to him, hooking her arm around his and leaning her head against his shoulder "I get it. You… you loved her but she wasn't going to stick around for the long haul, Bellamy, '' she states, matter of fact, and Bellamy would be lying if he said it didn't break his heart a little. He isn't sure Raven is right. Well, the bigger part of him knows she isn't right, there is no way after all they'd shared in those months that she had already put an expiration date on their relationship. 

He gets it, they come from different worlds and maybe he doesn't fit in her world but he doesn't need or want to fit into her world. He just needs to fit in with her. She is all he wants, the rest of the world be damned.

He knows that eventually he'll have to scrape every little bit of her from under his heart and soul where she found a home. He fell in love with her recklessly but fuck, at the time it was worth it. Those few months he drowned in her and never wanted to come up for air but he isn't sure if this gruesome pain he is feeling right now was worth the love they shared.

“I’m not saying you’re not good for her or don’t deserve her.” Raven says pulling away a little bumping her shoulder with his “I’m saying the opposite. You swore you never told anyone, I believe you, why didn’t she?” Bellamy shrugs as Raven continues, “It’s because reality was setting in, schools were opening and she found an easy way out…look how quickly she went back to Ryker.”

Bellamy’s eyes close, running a hand over his face as he lets out a sharp breath. This is why he didn’t fucking date or fall in love. The unnecessary pain and being left in the wreckage when the person you fell in love with decides to run you over.

Raven is someone really close to him, Miller is pretty much his brother and yet, he didn’t tell them about Clarke’s mom or dad. He at least deserved the benefit of the doubt after all they shared. He doesn’t know how to do this, get over her and just forget that this summer ever happened at all. But how does he do that when he exists in two places, when she has taken a part of him with her and she doesn’t even know it?

Bellamy feels like he is way too young to have loved this much. He doesn’t know how to heal the heaviness that’s sitting inside of him. He misses her laughter, that serious look when she’s immersed in her art, that smile that breaks through every crack and brightens up the room. He misses being inside her and the sound of her moans, he misses the taste and feel of her lips. He misses everything that is Clarke Griffin.

“Yeah,” he says finally, “I’ll just have to get through this project with her.” Silence. “But Ray…you can’t say stuff like that to her…about her mom and dad…”

“But Bellamy…”

“You just can’t,” he warns his words that were supposed to come off stern come off more like a plea.

 “She’d never do the same for you,” she says bitterly.

He holds her gaze not sure what to say anymore, tugging a hand through his hair. He loves Raven, he does, she's family but Clarke is the woman he loves and despite everything that has happened he is still protective of her. And Raven is protective of Bellamy, she always has been which he appreciates but he just can't have her purposely trying to make Clarke feel shitty over things she's insecure about.

Raven and Clarke have had their fair share of fights since they were young and Raven was pretty pissed off when she found out about Bellamy dating Clarke but eventually she moved past it, at least she tried not to seem so disgusted. He lets out a huff and says “I’m tired, let’s just go home.”

“Yeah…” Raven agrees, “I’m eating at your place tonight, I don’t know where my mom is,” she says with a shrug.

“There is always a plate for you, Raven,” he reminds her. “Miller is already there” 

                                      ***

When Saturday morning rolls in, Bellamy decides to take Miller’s advice. To just remain civil and focus on the assignment, no need for anymore confrontations or personal talk. So he takes a shower, puts on his white Henley short sleeved shirt, his black jacket and dark jeans and some converse, making sure to pack his laptop, camera and notebook and the Iliad just in case he needs to pass time.

When he gets to her place she saunters out of the house in an orange floral dress, her hair pinned back and a backpack. He knows she isn't okay just by how she bangs the door and barely looks at him. He could assume that it was her mom, dad or him but he won’t know unless he asks which he does, already dismissing Miller’s advice.

“My mom hates me.” she answers without looking over at him “You should drive” she’s said throwing him the keys to her jeep.

When Bellamy slips into Clarke’s jeep and drives off, that’s when it dawns on him just how much of a bad idea it was that he suggested a place that would require driving and staying in such small proximity with Clarke. She asked him to drive so he has some control there but the rest of his body, his mind, his heart…well, let’s just say they aren’t cooperating. His heart is beating erratically against his chest because Clarke is so close to him, his mind is reminding him of the night she accused him of revealing something so personal about her life and tore his chest wide open, ripping out his heart, and his body just wants to be touched by her.

The car ride isn’t like the other car rides they had during summer, when they sometimes drove at night with no destination, just happy to be in each other’s company. He loved reaching over and having her hand in his, how she kissed the inside of his palm, how she’d get that mischievous glint in her eyes as she reached over zipping his jeans open and stroking his cock. They talked about everything and anything but the car ride today was silent. Only the radio filled the space. 

Heartbreaks are part of the risk when it comes to love, his mom always told him. And after the heartbreak if you’re unlucky you become strangers. Bellamy guesses he is one of the unlucky ones, because it’s been nearly five hours since they got to Shallow Valley and they have barely spoken, only when it comes to them talking about which site to go to next.

Bellamy has been trailing behind Clarke capturing her and the different places they’ve visited in different lights. His heart and head are in two places right, here and back at home, how can he survive two heartbreaks? Bellamy knows Clarke would understand to some degree the situation with his father right now, just like she did during summer.

He remembers their first argument, Bellamy was having a hard time letting Clarke in, he knew deep rooted secrets about her family but he rarely ever talked about himself. That was around the same time his dad started texting him asking if they could meet and she could see the mask he wore, so he told her that he has a hard time letting people in but the weird part was he wanted to turn his soul inside out so that she can see all of him scars and all and that scared the shit out of him. Everything crumbled to the ground and yet, a part of him still wants to pour his heart out to her.

His phone buzzes for the third time in a row. He sees his father’s name light up the screen and his jaw clenches. He slips his phone in his pocket, picking up the camera that’s hanging around his neck ready to get some shots in the vintage cobblestone bookshop that also serves as coffee shop that’s lined with flowers growing through the stones. It’s his kind of place.

“Are you going to keep ignoring whoever it is that’s trying to get a hold of you?” Clarke asks, holding on to the bookshop's door.

Bellamy’s first instinct is to be defensive, asking her why she cares, especially since her expression gives off the impression that she is really concerned even though her voice is nonchalant. He sighs “My dad’s in town,” he says but doesn’t wait for her reaction, he just passes right by her into the café. His eyes wander at the exposed breeks and dark wood bookshelves lined with books, the green velvet sofas somewhere in the middle, plants hanging from the ceiling and lining up the walls, the smell of coffee coming from the counter, behind it a pink haired girl with huge glasses working her magic as she pipes some cupcakes. Bellamy wants to tuck himself away somewhere in the corner of this coffee shop and just read and drink coffee, hoping that his mind and heart would be silent. He takes a few shots but he lowers his camera when Clarke stands in front of him hands crossed across her chest “Your dad’s back?... that’s all I get and you walk away?” She sighs, exasperated. “Seriously Bellamy?”

If Bellamy looks confused right now, it’s because he is. He swallows his question, striding to the brown leather couch in the corner. He sets his camera and bag on the coffee table as he rubs the back of his neck,.Clarke sinks next to him placing her bag on the table as well as she shoots him an incredulous look.

“What?”

Clarke smiles devoid of humor. “It’s my bad, how could I expect actual honest emotions out of you?”

“And why the fuck would you want that?” he asks genuinely confused “Do you really want to know about my dad?”

“I just…” she lets out a frustrated sigh tucking her hair behind her ears, her jaw set. “Forgive me for fucking caring Bellamy,” she retorts sarcastically. “Not all of us can switch off our emotions.”

“It’s been over five hours and you’ve barely said anything to me that’s not about the assignment,” he reminds her.

“You’ve barely said anything to me either” 

“I didn’t think you particularly wanted to hear anything I have to say or for me to pry about your personal life,Clarke,” he spits.

She sighs, closing her eyes. Bellamy glances away pulling at his hair as he tries to breathe through the fucking thick air cloaking them.

“You’re right about that,” she finally says coldly. “But I’m the fool that fell in love with you so I saw you weren’t okay at the garage and today so I asked, because I can’t just forget what we built over summer, okay?”

He rubs his hands over his face until they reach under his chin and his fingers interlace. He glances her way, praying that the hurt he feels throughout his entire body isn’t being expressed on his face. “You think I forgot?” His voice is low and aggrieved.

She looks outside the little window as she shrugs. “I guess - it was never real for you, was it?”

He leans into the couch feeling chained by her words. “I never told… anyone about your mom or dad or you. I don’t know how many times I have to fucking say it… I guess you didn’t love me as much as you claimed if you believed it was me so easily…” He flickers his gaze to her and she is already staring at him, her brows drawn, face wounded. “My dad wants to reconnect but I know as soon as whatever job he came to do here in Arcadia is done, he will be gone… and I can’t allow him to wreck my mom’s life or my sister’s or mine for that matter, there you go,” he finishes through gritted teeth with shrug. Clarke doesn’t say anything; she just stares at Bellamy with a broken expression.

“Can I get you anything?” 

Bellamy shoots his head to the side looking up at the waiter with his little notepad.“I uhmm…”

“I’m going to the bathroom” Clarke says, already walking off. Bellamy watches her as she asks someone something and then she disappears. He brings his attention back to the waiter, clearing his throat. “I’ll have a black coffee and she will have uhm… I’m not sure she wants anything but just in case she does, make her a Frappuccino, caramel flavored…extra foam. It’s her favorite,” he says with a small smile.

The waiter nods with a gleeful smile. “I’ll be back with your order shortly,” he says walking away.

Bellamy turns his back to where Clarke disappeared to but there is no sign of her. He groans, breathing through the tension. He picks up The Alchemist laying on the table top, waiting for her to come back.

                                    ~~~~

The Van Gogh museum is just as magical as Clarke thought it would be. It’s like stepping into his mind and watching it all come to life. She looks all around her, to the blue and yellow lit walls to the ceiling till her eyes land on Bellamy as he takes photos of her, her eyes meet his and she stops twirling and he lowers his camera. The starry nights dance all over his body illuminating his face. In this moment, she wishes they made it here during summer, when everything would have been different. She probably would’ve still gotten lost in the magic of it all and Bellamy would be to the side taking candid pictures of her that she would’ve been in awe of. At one point he probably would take her hand and they would roam around the museum, twirl her around and kiss her under these beautiful portraits but alas, stolen glances are all they have now. 

After the coffee shop where they pretty much spent two hours in silence he read and typed some parts of their essay, she thinks, while she drew the café in detail. It was too aesthetically beautiful not to, as were the people in it. Then they made their journey to the seafood restaurant which Clarke found interesting and beautiful even though she was still furious with Bellamy. She doesn’t know how to exist with this version of him, of them. The tension is suffocating.

Bellamy takes a few more photos, clearly as fascinated by this place as she is. She pulls out her sketch pad, doing a quick sketch of the place. She knows when she gets home she will have to paint this experience in vivid details.

They make their way to the aquarium. The architecture is beautiful, and she’s biting back a smile as Bellamy is taken by the old architecture of the place. She loves the light in his eyes when he is fascinated by something, it mirrors the one in his eyes when he looks at her, though he is trying so hard to mask that glint when he looks at her or it’s just her imagining that it’s still there.

A raft of penguins swim by, her hand traces slowly on the thick glass as she admires the little creatures. “You know…” Bellamy’s low husky voice says by her side; she turns her head to look at him but he is staring at the penguins, the blue from the water illuminating his sharp features, “penguins mate for life, once they procreate they stay with the same partner forever.” He chuckles softly, “They are a little different from us.”

“Yeah?” she asks, intrigued.

“Yeah, the male penguin finds a uhm…” he turns to face her, his eyes soft holding her gaze “he finds a pebble, usually the smoothest one that he can offer as a gift, gesture if you will…to the female penguin…”  a small smile slips on his lips and she can’t help but mirror it “and if she accepts she puts it in her nest and…it’s forever for them.”

She sighs, sadness creeping through her chest as Bellamy stares. “I guess they aren’t as self-destructive as us huh?” She laughs sadly.

She feels a trail of tears trailing down her cheeks, she wipes her face quickly, embarrassed that Bellamy probably saw it from the concerned look on his face and she hates it. Without a second thought she runs through the aquarium until she exits the building. She welcomes the fresh night air, her face in her hands.

“Clarke?” 

“Clarke, can we just….?”

“What?” She spins around her heart beating so hard against her chest it might break as tears threaten to spill. “Can we just what Bellamy?...” He stops close, his brows drawn. “Talk? Now you want to talk to me?”

Bellamy shakes his head like he doesn’t believe her. “You think this has been easy for me? Being here with you?"

"Then why did you suggest this place?" She asks inquisitively and he looks away. "We could've gone to places near our place. Fuck, Bellamy we could've just split up and pretended we did the assignment together if it's so excruciating being here with me."

"That's not what I said…"

"You said it's not easy being here with me. Isn't that what you just said?"

His eyes meet hers again. "I didn't mean…" He lets out an exasperated breath running his fingers through his hair. "I didn't mean I didn't want to be around you, it’s just fucking hard being around you knowing that you hate me. Knowing that you don't trust me"

"How could I trust you Bellamy?"

"After what we shared Clarke didn't I at least deserve the benefit of the fucking doubt huh?"

"Bellamy…" She strides forward angrily. "You think I didn't see it? See you pulling away slowly?"

"I was scared you were going to realize the mistake you made once we were back in the real world with your friends around… I guess I was right," he scoffs.

"So you told everyone about my mom’s business and that my dad left us? That the Griffin's aren't as perfect as they pretend to be?"

He steps closer, so closer she can feel his staggered breath on her skin, his eyes intense with purpose. "It wasn't me."

Her voice breaks. “Was I just a cruel joke to you?” she asks coldly, barely recognizing her own voice.

“Clarke…” 

By “My mom’s first OD when she nearly died,where she went, the month I was sent away because I was so fucking depressed I could barely get out of bed, everything with my dad I told you and only you in detail Bellamy.”

“I don’t know how many fucking times I can say it… I don’t know how someone else knew those things but it wasn’t me… I would never do that you, to anyone for that fucking matter.” He blows out a breath like he is hoping it will lessen the pain in his chest. Iit doesn’t. “I know I have a dangerous reputation, one thing I’m not is cruel… I wouldn’t do that.”

“Then explain how it got out, Bell…”

“I don’t know.” He takes her hand in his, placing it against his beating heart, pleading eyes melting into hers. “I don’t- I don’t let people in but I let you in. I was overpowered by everything that is you and I just crumbled and let you in. The comfort I offered to you was real, the comfort you offered me is one that I am forever grateful for. I loved you. You are my first love Clarke and everything that we shared was as real as the air we breathe. How could you possibly think I’d hurt you like that?”

Her tears don’t threaten anymore; they just pour out of her right from the part he hurt the most. “I wish I could believe you…” she swallows, closing her eyes as she lets out a breath, feeling the cool night air on her skin. The sincerity in his voice is overwhelming, it tugs at her heartstrings but she knows she has to be strong. Her eyes open, meeting his once more. “You were the net under the ledge Bellamy. No one has put that much effort into checking up on me. Putting me first like you did. But you aren’t the first to disappoint me… in my heart I believe you I’ll admit but I won’t let my emotions ignore what’s right in front of me. I gotta use my head, You lurred me into a false sense of security” she says, turning and running off.